#something something both of us don't know how to cope with our guilt and we blame ourselves for what happened to our little brothers

[linagram]

[ 𝚑𝚒𝚖𝚞𝚛𝚊 𝚛𝚎𝚒𝚗𝚊'𝚜 𝚝𝟸 𝚟𝚘𝚒𝚌𝚎 𝚍𝚛𝚊𝚖𝚊 ] 𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚗𝚎𝚛 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚜𝚊𝚟𝚒𝚘𝚛

and with this, we're finally done with all the second trial's mvs and vds! woooo! this trial surely was. something.

after reina's vd, there's gonna be two post-t2 vds (similar to this trial having two pre-t2 vds), the first one will be jackalope explaining some stuff (and miki finally getting to meet him) and the third guard's full name reveal and the second one will be about everyone's second trial verdicts.

Warnings for Reina's VD: None

Warnings for Reina's MV: None

(sounds of footsteps)

Miki: "It's Himura-san's turn already.."

Miki: "This trial has been so stressful and we also have to judge everyone later.."

Miki: "Wait-"

(footsteps stop)

Miki: ".. Will Eiji-san even be able to judge someone this time?"

Miki: ".. I don't think he will. No, actually, it would be better for his health if he didn't participate in the trial this time."

Miki: "But if he can't vote, then-"

Miki: ...

Miki: .. Hehe..

Miki: W-wait, why am I-

Miki: Why am I.. laughing?

Miki: I should feel sorry for him. I should hope that he gets better.

Miki: .. What has this place done to me?

Miki: Wait, is that-

(sounds of other person's footsteps)

Miki: Huh?..

Miki: W-who's there?!

Miki: "Is it one of the prisoners?.."

???: Calm down, calm down!

???: Here, do you recognize me now?

Miki: .. Are you..

Miki: Hiyuu-san?

Hiyuu: Yeah, that's me.

Hiyuu: Sorry for scaring you like that, haha.

Hiyuu: Well, at least now we finally get to meet each other in person!

Hiyuu: Ah, right, I should probably take this off..

Miki: What-

(sounds of Hiyuu taking his mask off)

Hiyuu: Here we go.

Hiyuu: Wow, breathing sure feels easier now.

Miki: ...

Hiyuu: Hm? Is there something wrong with my face?

Hiyuu: Hold on, let me-

Hiyuu: .. Ahaha, I still have some ice cream left on my face..

Hiyuu: I should wipe it off..

Hiyuu: Wait, do I even have anything to wipe it off with-

(sounds of Hiyuu talking to himself in the background)

Miki: "CUTE CUTE CUTE CUTE CUTE CUTE CUTE CUTE CUTE-"

Hiyuu: Is everything okay, Miki-san?

Miki: I'M FINE!

Miki: .. Oh my god, sorry, that was so loud, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry-

Hiyuu: Don't worry, I just wanted to make sure you're alright, haha.

Hiyuu: I want to help you with interrogating the tenth prisoner, is that okay with you?

Miki: Y-yes, sure! Interrogations can be.. very tiring..

Miki: Ah, but only if you're okay with that-

Miki: H-huh?

(a sound of Hiyuu putting his hand on Miki's head)

Hiyuu: I left my room exactly because I wanted to help you. So of course I'm okay with that.

Miki: O-oh..

Miki: Wait, didn't you say that you can't leave your room?

Hiyuu: Ah, about that..

Hiyuu: That rabbit thing told me I can't leave my room, so I assumed that the door was locked, but when I tried to open it, I didn't have any trouble with it.

Hiyuu: So, uh, I guess he was just messing with me, haha..

Hiyuu: Or maybe I was supposed to interpret his words differently..

Miki: .. Rabbit thing?

Hiyuu: Y-you didn't meet him yet?..

Miki: N-no??

Hiyuu: .. Now I feel awkward.

Hiyuu: Okay, let's go interrogate the tenth prisoner now, haha!~..

Miki: "Oh no, is he going to turn out to be a weird guy too.."

Miki: "But he's still cute.."

Miki: .. You remind me of someone, to be honest.

Hiyuu: Hm? What did you say?

Miki: N-nothing!

Miki: "I'm probably just ovethinking it.. It must be a coincidence.."

Miki: "But they look and act so.. similar.."

Miki: Wait, Hiyuu-san, do you even know how to interrogate prisoners?

Hiyuu: I have watched recordings of your interrogations, so yeah, I know some stuff.

Miki: W-we were being recorded?..

Hiyuu: Of course you were.

Hiyuu: Now, are you ready for the final interrogation? We're already here.

Miki: ...

Miki: *nods*

Hiyuu: Great. Excited to work with you, partner~

(the door opens)

Reina: Ah, there you are-

Reina: Wait, what?

Miki: U-um, Himura-san, Eiji-san had to be replaced, I mean, not exactly replaced, but-

Hiyuu: Hello there. You're Reina-san, right?

Reina: .. (to Miki) I'm assuming you know what's going on here.

Miki: .. I know that better than anyone.

Reina: So, it's my turn now, huh?

Reina: Let's go then, yay..

Miki: *sits down* You don't really sound that enthusiastic, you know?

Reina: Really? Sorry. I got tired of waiting for you, haha..

Miki: .. What happened to you, Himura-san?

Reina: You have to be more specific here, Guard 002-san.

Miki: .. You used to call me "Miki-chan" before.

Reina: Well, I thought we were friends, Guard 002-san. I thought we were gonna get along.

Reina: But I was wrong.  

Hiyuu: .. Did something happen between you two?

Miki: I-I don't think so?

Miki: Himura-san, did I do something wrong? If so, please tell me-

Reina: Oh, I'm gonna tell you.

Reina: Innocent verdict, baby! Woooo!

Reina: *laughs*

Reina: *takes a breath*

Reina: What the hell, Miki-chan. What, do you want me to sing a whole villain song for you or something-

Reina: Oh, wait, you have my video for that.

Reina: Then why was I still forgiven, huh?

Miki: Because..

Miki: Um..

Hiyuu: Because the guards had their own reasons for that. And who exactly are you to question their judgement?

Miki: H-huh?

Reina: Wow, you're a smart guy, aren't you?

Reina: Well, I'm going to start sounding real smart right now too.

Reina: ...

Reina: (her voice sounds more emotionless now) Guard 002-san, what did I tell you last time?

Miki: Y-you mean the serial killer part?

Reina: Exactly. The "serial killer part".

Reina: Now, what are you supposed to do with serial killers?

Miki: .. P-punish-

Reina: That's right. Punish them.

Reina: But I still wasn't punished.

Reina: Would you say that it was a good decision? A wise one? A morally correct one?

Reina: And I have a lot of questions about the guilty prisoners too.

(sounds of Reina standing up and walking around)

Reina: Shun, who is now this close to just breaking Kei and turning him into a mindless puppet.. was voted innocent.

Reina: Akio, who always said that his crime wasn't his fault, obviously trying to shift the blame, but who still mostly was just a nerdy 16 year old obsessed with attention, was voted guilty and now he looks like he can die at any second.

Miki: W-we had our-

Reina: Eiko, who feels no remorse for her crime at all and can easily tell anyone all the details if they just ask, was voted innocent.

Miki: But we-

Reina: And just a reminder, you don't know ANYTHING about Kei's murder, but you still voted him guilty-

Miki: WE HAD OUR REASONS, NOW SIT DOWN!

Reina: ...

Reina: *sits down*

Hiyuu: I don't think you understand how this whole system works, Reina-san.

Reina: Well, do you understand it then?

Hiyuu: Kind of.

Hiyuu: I was told that we are allowed to judge prisoners based on.. literally anything.

Hiyuu: So if you thought that our decisions have to be nothing but morally correct.. Sorry to disappoint you.

Reina: .. "Literally anything"?

Hiyuu: Yeah. It's possible that someone was forgiven just because one or both guards find them cute or attractive.

Reina: ...

Reina: Haha..

Reina: .. I don't have any energy left for all of this.

Reina: ...

Miki: .. A-are you okay, Himura-san-

Reina: So, I don't sound that enthusiastic anymore, Guard 002-san?

Reina: Well, as you can see, I'm not exactly satisfied with my verdict.

Reina: And I'm gonna be honest, I'm getting tired of the whole "most dangerous prisoner" act myself and I can see that it's not convincing enough.

Reina: So yeah, the show's over.

Hiyuu: Reina-san, do you want to be punished that badly?

Reina: Oh, I wanted it more than anything.

Reina: If I could, I would've just asked you to execute me even before the second trial starts.

Reina: But now..

Reina: It's a bit more complicated than that.

Reina: *laughs* But wow, I can't believe this. We're really letting someone like you judge us.

Reina: What, are you gonna vote me guilty now? Are you gonna vote me guilty because I'm not a "I'm the cutest serial killer ever!" type of girl anymore?

Reina: And I really thought you're going to still like me even after I show you my real self! You're breaking my heart, Miki-chan.

Hiyuu: When you say "It's more complicated than that".. 

Hiyuu: What do you mean by that?

Reina: Oh, right. What I mean by that is..

Reina: I can't let you two..

Reina: Or three?

Reina: Anyway, I can't let you all judge me and the other prisoners.

Reina: I already know what I deserve and what my verdict should be like. Who are you to tell me what to do and who I am?

Miki: W-well, um, we're the guards-

Hiyuu: Hold on, Miki-san.

Hiyuu: Okay, but what will you even do to stop us?

Reina: You know what's really bothering me about this whole situation?

Reina: .. You all aren't even trying to figure out what's going on.

Reina: How can you accept your new reality so easily?

Reina: Or is it because you hated your old reality so much that you were okay with anything?

Miki: ...

Miki: .. A-and what if we did?

Miki: I had my worries about this place. Of course I was afraid at first.

Miki: But now.. It feels like home.

Hiyuu: I don't really hate this place either.

Reina: .. I feel sorry for both of you.

Reina: But fine, whatever, I'm not going to share anything with you then.

Miki: What do you mean by "anything"?

Reina: ..  I have some theories about this place.

Reina: And, um..

Reina: How it works.

Miki: !

Reina: But I doubt that you two are interested, so-

Hiyuu: No, no, I'm curious. Come on, share with us.

Miki: But we don't have much time-

Reina: Well, let's see..

Miki: "Wait, didn't she just say she's not gonna tell us anything?"

Reina: .. So, we have.. what, three guards now? 

Reina: (to Hiyuu) Hey, can you tell me where have you been all this time? Why didn't we get to meet you sooner?

Hiyuu: .. I was asleep.

Reina: And when did you wake up?

Hiyuu: I think it was shortly after the first trial's verdicts were announced? But why?

Reina: .. Three guilty prisoners.

Miki: Huh?

Reina: There was only three guilty prisoners. Guard 001-san was the one who wanted to vote everyone guilty. 

Reina: (to Hiyuu) And you woke up after Guard 001-san had lost that round.

Reina: .. They're just going to keep switching you all until they get bored.

Miki: Who? Who are you talking about??

Reina: No idea.

Reina: I don't even know how many guards they actually have.

Reina: .. I don't even know how many prisoners we actually have.

Miki: .. W-what does that mean, Himura-san?

Reina: Oh, I don't know. 

Reina: Maybe something like..

Reina: .. One of us isn't actually a prisoner?

Miki: Wh-

Reina: Anyway, the clock is ticking, right?

Reina: So, wanna talk about my crime?

Hiyuu: That was a sudden change of topic..

Miki: But Himura-san-

Hiyuu: Miki-san, please, let's talk about Reina-san's crime now.

Hiyuu: .. If we don't, I'm afraid I will end up wasting all my energy soon and I don't want that. I want to be useful to you.

Miki: .. Himura-san, do you have anything to say about your murder?

Reina: I guess I do.

Reina: But I wanna ask, what did you learn about it from my video?

Miki: .. I guess you really were a criminal in a way, but..

Miki: .. We never saw you actually kill anyone.

Reina: .. Haha.

Hiyuu: What's so funny, Reina-san?

Reina: So you haven't seen that part either.. Interesting.

Reina: Hey, but you saw, like, my victim or something?

Miki: .. I guess we did.

Miki: But we didn't see all the details, so we don't know what your victim actually looked like.

Reina: I see..

Reina: He was completely covered in blood, of course, you wouldn't be able to see it, haha..

Miki: .. You were laughing in your video too, Himura-san.

Reina: Really?

Miki: And crying. Both at the same time.

Reina: ...

Reina: Well, how else was I supposed to react after I saw my little brother's corpse?

Reina: H-he came there because of me too, haha.. He always was such an idiot..

Miki: !

Miki: LITTLE BROTHER?!

(bell rings, machinery sounds)

Miki: Himura-san, I'm begging you, please, tell us more!

Hiyuu: Miki-san, time's up. Let's calm down and extract the video-

Miki: BE A GOOD PARTNER, HIYUU-SAN, AND SHUT UP FOR A SECOND!

Miki: .. Your victim was your little brother, Himura-san?

Reina: Haha, what, now you're going to vote me guilty this time?

Reina: You don't want to save me anymore?

Miki: ... 

Miki: *starts crying*

Hiyuu: Miki-san, please, can you take a deep breath for me? Here, again, let's calm down..

Hiyuu: You're shaking.. Let's talk about it later, when we're done with this.

Hiyuu: I already have all the information we need. It was me who interrogated everyone yesterday, remember?

Hiyuu: Also, we're going to watch the video together, so we'll see everything that we have to know-

Miki: .. Himura-san, what are you doing?

Miki: HIMURA-SAN?!

(sounds of Reina throwing something and that thing falling on the floor)

Reina: Ugh, didn't work..

Reina: Should've seen this coming.

Hiyuu: .. Reina-san, did you just try to break the video extracting machine?

Reina: Yeah, kinda. More like wanted to see if that thing can even be broken.

Miki: .. You tried to break it with your shoe.

Reina: Yeah. I'm an idiot, just like my brother, haha.

Miki: ...

(sounds of Miki's slow footsteps)

Hiyuu: Miki-san, are you sure you can do this? If you need any help-

Miki: I can. Thank you.

Reina: Well, what's it gonna be this time, everyone's savior?

Miki: .. Prisoner 010, Reina, please, sing your sins.

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[MV Description]

The video starts with little Reina (most likely ten years old), sitting in her room and talking to her toys. Everything is black and white and it looks like an old silent movie. We can't hear Reina's voice, we can only hear the music and how it's slowly becoming more and more repetitive. Reina looks happy at first, but then she starts getting tired and when the music becomes almost unbearable to listen to, she throws all the toys off her bed.

It turns out that it really was a scene from a movie and now someone is interviewing little Reina and she's still smiling and overall looks like a very happy child. 

"Look at me, the little star of the show

Aren't you proud of me? Look at me! I'm such a good girl!

Except I don't feel anything at all

I'm not even proud of myself"

The scene changes and now she's older, she's still being interviewed, but now she looks and acts more like a "problem child": she doesn't want to be there and she makes sure everyone knows it and her parents find her embarrassing.

"Oh no, it looks like your little star has gone wild

She's rude, she's violent, she's going crazy

Except she doesn't feel anything at all

She's not even proud of herself"

Now we can see Reina and her parents going to see her new movie together and when it starts, it has even darker colors than the first one. 

"I keep achieving goals, I keep making accomplishments

But this story isn't going anywhere

Will my character ever change for the better?

No motivation, no backstory, no reason for me to grow"

Reina just sits there with her parents and watches her character kill so many people on screen without showing any signs of regret, but even though Reina looks bored at first, when you look closer, you can see that she's actually.. uncomfortable with that kind of role. 

"Is this who I am? Is this who I'm supposed to be?

The villain of this story was me all along

At least that's what I thought

But it looks like you see me in a different way"

Her parents eventually leave without even watching the full movie, meanwhile Reina stays and sees her character finding a dead body that we can't see clearly, but this is the first time when her character actually looks scared. Reina stands up from her chair, looks like she doesn't remember making that face in that scene. Actually, she's not sure if this movie even had a scene like that, she doesn't remember filming it. 

Reina continues watching the movie and she can see how her character keeps getting more and more emotional and how she yells at one of her "partners in crime" and throws her weapon on the ground. Reina turns around to see all people in the cinema enjoying the movie a lot more now. It looks like they really like the development this character is getting.

"Ah, so that's how it is

Am I a hero in your eyes now?

Have you forgiven me already?

You don't even know anything about me, how can you say those words so easily?"

Reina decides to leave, but before she does that, her character looks right at her and nods. Reina nods back with anger and hatred in her eyes and right when she leaves and closes the door behind her, everything starts to burn. 

The whole cinema is on fire now. Her character sees everyone running and screaming and smiles while trying to hide the dead body from earlier, meanwhile Reina sits on a nearby bench and watches the cinema burn to the ground. 

"So, who will tell this story: me or you?

Will you rewrite everything, will you decide how it ends?

I'm not against that, I just want you to know

You won't be able to forgive me until I forgive myself"

She looks relieved and she sighs while looking at the night sky.

[corishadowfang]

Fallen Stars Fic Notes

So, Fallen Stars has officially come to a close. It's been a pretty wild ride, haha; as per usual, it spiraled out of my control, length-wise (surpassing Dandelion Seeds...remember how I said I hoped I'd never write anything that long again? Yeah. That worked out.), but I'm happy (and pleasantly surprised) that so many people came on the journey with me.

So! As seems to be tradition now, I have some notes for the fic. Some behind-the-scenes stuff, some thoughts about post-canon--stuff like that! Putting it under a read more, because these tend to get long.

So as usual, we'll start with the playlist! This one I ended up doing a lot of playing around with, haha; there were several songs where it's like, "The vibes are right...but do they fit this moment/this character in the story? Does the order work? Should I use song x or song y?" I eventually ended up with something I'm relatively happy with, haha, even if not every song fits perfectly. There are actually a lot of honorable mentions for this one (since I, you know...played around with it so much) but probably the biggest are: Guilt by Nathan Wagner, Monster from Epic the Musical, Fight the Tide by Jonathan Young and Colm McGuinness, and Southern Star by Gregory Alan Isakov.

(Seriously, Fight the Tide was put on and taken off the playlist so many times--)

I know I've mentioned this places before, but: sometime circa summer 2021, I was thinking about doing a story following Brain through his time in Scala ad Caelum. Basically, it'd be a short (like--nine-ish chapters) series that explored Brain's grief and guilt and how he eventually adjusted to being in Scala. The story would've been called "May We Find Our Happiness," and was planned to be worked on once both On the Edge of Daybreak and Dandelion Seeds were finished. ...And then Missing Link was announced, and I went, "Oh! That's going to be explored in canon! I don't have to write it myself!" and the idea was shelved.

And THEN. Fast forward to winter 2023. It's...without going into too much detail, my mental state was Not Great. And I tend to process/cope with things by...well, writing. And...well, what better way to work out things than by using two of my favorite characters? The thought for this "proto-Fallen Stars" was that it would be a what-if AU for what would've happened if Skuld had ended up in Scala, and that it would follow Brain's and Skuld's entire lives through that time period. Despite the premise, this was also intended to be a relatively short series--roughly four to five chapters. It was intended to explore the idea that like--sometimes you don't heal fully from things, and your life doesn't turn out the way you wanted it to, but that doesn't mean you can't find happiness despite everything. ...And then I started writing the first chapter. And ran face first into Plot (i.e. the corrupt council). And very abruptly realized, "Oh, no. Oh, no, this is going to be LONG. And...probably not focus entirely on the time period I want it to." And so I shelved it. Again.

AND THEN. The Missing Link impatience was getting to me, haha. And there were a lot of ideas from both of the "proto" versions of the story that were genuinely very interesting to me from a writing perspective. And then I made this post (and a couple of follow-ups) with the hopes that it could satisfy the writing demons. ...It did not. So I went back, finished (and revamped) the original first chapter, and posted it. And, well--here we are!

The current iteration of Fallen Stars really does take a lot of inspiration from its predecessors. Darkling!Brain was actually the planned end for "May We Find Our Happiness" (though he wouldn't have died in that version; his new-found friends would've pulled him out of it, though he'd keep the gold eyes, like in Fallen Stars), the corrupt council's been a staple since the beginning, and obviously, the AU takes the same basic premise as proto-Fallen Stars.

I knew Fallen Stars was going to be longer than the initial ideas I had, but like...I still didn't expect it to be this long. Like--roughly 30 chapters, and about half the word count. Let it be known that I cannot accurately estimate a story (or chapter's) length, ever.

While there were certain Big Things that I had planned since the beginning (ex. Brain's death and resurrection), there were also things that ended up getting made up on the fly and/or cut because it seemed like it'd work better for the story. One of the big things is that, originally, Master's Defender was going to be used to help create the Land of Departure; essentially, during Darkness's attack, one of the abandoned islands would've split off from the world, and Brain would've used Master's Defender to chain it back together, so to speak, and give the Scalan refugees somewhere to go. That was cut because it felt like it would make Brain a little less desperate to make his sacrifice, and after that, it ended up feeling...kind of out of place? Plus, I felt like I hadn't done a good enough job foreshadowing that (though you can find some hints, if you're looking).

(The world they end up does still end up becoming the Land of Departure, though.)

Also, Luxu was originally going to be possessing Lodur. (Which is why time seems to slow down around him whenever things get intense! And also plays into the "narrator" thing--Lodur is a storykeeper, after all.) I'll leave it up to all of you guys to decide whether you want Lodur to be Sigurd's deceased brother, Sigurd to have been wrong about Luxu taking his brother's body, or for "Lodur is Luxu's vessel" to be non-canon.

While I finally decided to leave it out, I did think about doing an epilogue. I played around with a lot of different ideas for how that'd go, but it generally fell into three basic ideas: 1) Skuld, Brain, and the rest of the crew roughly a decade after the end of Fallen Stars, 2) Xehanort and Eraqus (as like...five-year-olds) interacting with the remaining crew, or 3) Ven and Lauriam finding stories about Skuld and Brain in the distant future. I do like all of these, but I ended up feeling like it kind of...glossed over how much time it'd take for them to repair Scala and heal, so I ended up going with the current ending instead--which is hopeful, but still leaves room for the struggles that may follow.

THAT SAID. There's a non-zero chance some of those epilogues may show up as one-shots. I like the idea of exploring some post-canon scenarios in the Fallen Stars-verse (in particular, the first year after everything, since there's...a lot that the main crew go through). That said, I'm also not going to promise anything on that front, since it'll largely depend on my time/energy levels/inspiration.

(Also, feel free to ask me about post-canon stuff, in case I never get around to writing things; a lot of stuff changes around, haha, but I do have Ideas.)

"Do you want to hear a story?" has been planned as the final lines for a long time, haha. One, because it acts as a nice book-end for the story. Two, because it's kind of like...symbolic. Skuld is the one who said it, and is the only character besides Luxu to (kind of) break the fourth wall, so this was like...representative of her taking control of her own story. (This is also, for the record, why the "Do you want to hear a story?" narrator parts don't show up again after chapter 40; Skuld is the narrator now.)

The title was actually going to be the name of the first chapter. I was struggling to find a title I liked (I didn't want to use "May We Find Our Happiness" since, uh...that ended up as a chapter title for On the Edge of Daybreak, when I still thought I wouldn't do a story in Scala), and ended up brainstorming ideas for the chapter title instead. I'd landed on "Fallen Stars" because like--Brain and Skuld were "fallen stars" in the sense that a lot of people who are displaced from fallen worlds in the KH series tend to, uh...fall out of the sky, but also in the sense that they were legends who were, very suddenly, being made human in the eyes of Scala. And then it hit me that, "Wait...that'd work great for a fic name." And then it was repurposed, haha.

And...I will probably cut off the notes there, haha. Fallen Stars has been fun to work on, and it's weird to think that it's finished (unless, of course, I end up doing those one-shots). Thank you for coming on this ride with me; I hope you've enjoyed it!

[neuroticboyfriend]

despite knowing what it's like to have a loved one have an addiction (my younger cousin was addicted to nicotine - but he's now three years clean, go him <3) i still ended up, four years down the line, getting addicted to opioids. i KNOW how much this can wreck someone, and everyone else, yet here i am. when i look in the mirror i always feel so stupid. (then again, ig it's different. my parents nor my siblings know abt my addiction. my cousin thinks i only used once and then stopped. i've been clean for a few months now, and i hope, for now at least, no one in my family ever finds out about the past and stuff)

Oh friend, you're not at fault. One thing about addiction is that self-knowledge can only get us so far. If knowing something was bad for us were enough, people wouldn't get addicted in the first place. That'd just make no sense.

I don't know if you experienced this but, it's in a similar vein. One of the first red flags for addiction is thinking you won't get addicted - that you're different, that it's not addiction as long as you have a job or go to school, that you can moderate it, etc.

Addiction distorts our thinking - while it affects our entire being, we often see it most in our mind. And that guilt we can feel? That's a symptom of addiction. Addiction is an illness, not a choice of lifestyle like the red flag example I gave would have us think. Whatever could have prevented us from becoming an addict, simply wasn't present when we needed it.

And while that definitely fucking sucks, it's okay. It's okay. You are allowed to exist as an addict. You are allowed to have struggled with this. You're not alone in dealing with this guilt, either. I'm struggling with it too, especially in terms of feeling like I'm not a good enough recovering addict. Which, I was actually just talking about with someone.

So, thank you for sending this ask. It's helped me too. Cause if you're not at fault for getting addicted despite what you knew... it's not my fault for struggling to cope in sobriety despite what I know. Knowing and feeling are different things, afterall. We're both allowed to accept ourselves and take this as slowly as we need to <3 I'm proud of you for being sober, and happy to hear from someone else in early sobriety!

[queerprayers]

Hello, I am participating in Lent for the first time, and I struggle a lot with sloth so I wanted to focus on that. Do you have any ideas for what to add/give up to combat sloth?

Welcome, beloved! Lent is such a blessing and I'm so happy you're here. You've already done so much by reaching out and wanting to prepare! Here are some thoughts:

First, I'd advise being really clear with yourself what you're struggling with. Lots of mental health issues (especially ADHD and depression) can be identified as laziness, and measuring productivity under capitalist standards puts a judgement on rest. Ask yourself what you wish you were doing, and what's preventing you from doing it. Are you setting realistic standards? Are you burnt out? Do you not have the coping skills/executive function/support to do your daily tasks? Are you purposely not doing anything with your life, or are you struggling to do the things you need to do? I trust that you know yourself, and I'll accept your self-judgement of sloth, but perhaps investigate it further. Laziness doesn't come from nowhere, and knowing more about why you're falling short can make a lot of difference.

This might seem counterintuitive, but scheduling rest/leisure can be life-changing. If we push ourselves all day, every day, and we find that we're constantly distracted or taking naps or putting off tasks? Well, we probably need something! Obviously many people don't have much choice in the pushing-themselves department. Sometimes we're just surviving. But if it's available to you, set aside time. If you always end up playing video games instead of working, set aside half an hour do play video games. You'll have that guilt-free leisure time, and then can get back to work. In my experience: Schedule breaks as well as work, otherwise the breaks will happen during the work. If you don't find a time to rest, your body will choose for you.

I'm not completely up to snuff on my deadly sins, so I looked up sloth, just to see how it's interpreted. One thing I kept running into was this idea of a lack of care. I don't know what specific things you're struggling with, but perhaps ask yourself what you do care about, in both good and bad ways. Are you caring about your own time more than others'? Temporary comfort more than long-term goals? What are you passionate about? Where does your attention lie? Or maybe: what do you want to care about that you don't? We can't force ourselves to care, but we can be more present, we can learn more about things, we can recognize where we want our attention to lie. "What am I being lazy about?" might not be a helpful question--it also might create a lot of guilt (the bad, roadblock kind). "What do I want to pay attention to? What do I want to prioritize?" might be more useful.

It sounds like you're already there, but just in case: The advice a lot of people need (including me) is to set specific goals. In past years I've said things like, "This Lent, I'm going to be a kinder person" or "I'll give more to charity." This is all well and good, but what does this mean? How do I live that out? What measurement am I using? If that kind of statement is helpful/inspiring to you, then go for it, but for many people, the specific goals are the ones we can accomplish. "This Lent, instead of buying Starbucks in the morning, I'm going to donate that amount." "I'm going to write down one thing I did every day for someone else." "I'm going to set aside 15 minutes to pray every morning." These statements are actionable, and we can know when we've accomplished them.

For you, I'd be cautious saying something like "I'm going to be more productive." Go back to that knowledge of why you're falling short. What are you missing? Your more specific goals might include scheduling rest, or learning new coping skills, or completing to-do lists, or resisting the urge to lay in bed at least once a day, or responding to emails the same day you receive them. Even if they are more general, like "being more present in my work," how can you document and think about that? Maybe you'll journal every day about how you made a difference, what's better in your life when you're present and productive. Maybe you'll choose one aspect of your life/work each week to pay attention to.

Other ideas/questions:

Is there something specific you default to when you're bored/distracted, like watching TV? Give that up! See what your life looks like without that habit!

What's something that you consider sloth that could be transformed into community? Share the extra dessert with your coworker, invite your friends over for a movie, take a day off of work to care for someone in need. Rest can be shared and joyful, and can create space for good works.

Document what specific things you come up against, and what you're doing to combat them. Hold yourself accountable. Even if you spend forty days writing down what you meant to do and didn't, that is self-knowledge and being present. That is a practice.

How can you ask for help? Maybe you want to talk to a therapist to learn coping skills or help with executive function, or maybe a friend could hold you accountable or do a task with you. You're not in this alone.

Reckon with the guilt you may experience. Are you feeling overly guilty about little things? Is guilt helping you recognize your flaws and inspiring you to grow, or is it holding you in pain? Is your guilt coming from hatred, or love? It might be all of the above. Sit with that. What guilt are you going to listen to, and what guilt are you going to move on from?

Sometimes sloth is holding onto things, like money or time or energy, when they could be going toward good. What are you grasping too tightly? What is God asking you to live through and let go?

What's something you've always wished you were doing, but never got around to? Learning a new skill, reading a book, volunteering. Now might be the time to do it! Start knitting! Join a political action group! Expanding the useful tasks that we can do can help us move on from inaction.

How does your sloth manifest, and what is its opposite? Action? Productivity? Energy? Alertness? Sometimes combating sin means embracing its opposite. How can you find that?

Always remember: Lent is the road to Easter. It's not a self-help book or a new years' resolution, it's a practice. It's forty days out of our years that we set aside, that spend in our own deserts. And no matter what, Easter is on the other side. We acknowledge our faults and give up things and focus our attention, and we do this because there is Life in our future. There are forty days of Lent and fifty days of Easter, every year, again and again. If we do nothing at all, if we change nothing and give in to all our flaws, time still moves, Easter still arrives. We, scarred and hurting, always have resurrection. You can't fail at Lent. You cared enough to ask reach out, and even if that's all you do--if all you do is think about Lent, think about what you're struggling with--Easter is for you. You don't have to do anything to deserve God's presence or joy.

However your Lent goes, whatever practice you find, whatever further struggles you discover, God is with you. Remember that you are dust (created and transformed, with a great capacity to love, with God ever beside you), and to dust you shall return (rest follows work, joy follows sorrow). May the road rise up to meet you.

<3 Johanna

[blitz0hno]

Why does knowing I have DID because ✨DID Problems✨ make said problems both less and more Terrifying.

Like I know what it is and how to cope. I'm getting really good at it in fact.

But also these are like. Problem problems. I dunno if we can counsel ourselves outta this one gang..

Blogging time! Cuz like yeah it's objectively weird but just another Sunday for us lmao

Like tell me why, when we headed back to work shortly after hanging out with a friend, "we" briefly couldn't even remember who we hung out with. Except now that I know what's going on, I realize when I'm not fronting. This other alter fronted by surprise, probably because we were deciding where to work tonight.

Like cool I know why I was so out of it but still Doing Things but the WHY there makes things. So incredibly complicated for me. And bro felt baaaaad like shit he didn't remember jack. Because duh the Guy Who Was Not There fronted only after the other human is Gone. Some alters just can't help but mask and it's not good for us so they don't front with others around, you know the basics lol

And why do we feel like a bad friend even though we remember them perfectly clearly now. We remember them, but we had to consciously communicate it... To someone else in our own head... Like a thought-game of telephone? And like u know what it's like to think u can feel your brain working, and mine's like "compartmentalize or else." Whoops! Having fun? Many people wanna share front? Gonna slice up the memories! Oh you're conscious of this process? Amnesia. Get shadow realmed bitch you're not about to come into contact with something you shouldn't be reminded of. DAMN being wired for Living is so cool actually but also mom pick me up I'm scared (picks myself up). We always remember after a moment or two, which is why we never used to suspect amnesia to begin with. I will never understand why latching onto guilt for every little thing seems to be hardwired into our being.

It's up and down really, and makes socializing tough even though we love interacting with our friends so much. And Idk we always have really good communication when we're happy (and high ngl) but sometimes if we're alone we connect a lot of dots and don't know what to do with them. Silly funny interesting things and not something legit keeping me too dissociated to drive lmaoooo good thing we're freelance

BUT because we stopped, we saw a raccoon skitter across the ground. I love raccoons, they're cute. We were just thinking about them earlier. Makes up for the Horrors I think.

Tryna make some more money before bed but my phone is crying "no signal" despite working on certain apps. Guess I'm being forced to chill for a second. We're doing just fine and hopefully have a whole new job soon. We saw a magazine at the store that had part of the title obscured and all that remained visible was "your mind works." I think I'll take that as a good sign because uh it sure does! We deal we deal.

Being myself is the best advice I ever actually followed but damn this is difficult.

So yeah internal communication is a fuck. But less so than it used to be.

[conduitandconjurer]

I don't get why the fans are so pressed about Klaus needing someone around "he's just latching onto Five/S!Ben cause U!Ben died", like... yes?? Most likely?? That doesn't exclude that he can love them too. Also, if you go through a loss so big the people around you aren't gonna just isolate you so you can "become your own person". And the "It's just another addiction" it's also so extreme! He DOES need his family! I don't really get it. Do you have an opinion?

Wait.

Wait so portions of the fandom are upset that Klaus is projecting his love and guilt over "his" Ben onto sad asshole Sparrow!Ben? Or? What, that he's an emotional whore that just needs to go around clinging onto whoever's closest?

I guess I don't understand the issue--what exactly about that is problematic to them? Are they not aware that Klaus has never felt that his mental or physical boundaries were respected, because of Reginald's experiments, and the ghosts themselves To me all the above does is show how much Klaus loves and misses the brother with whom he was always tasked to tag along, as children, and probably feels the one way he can gain closure over all those toxic years of codependency with Umbrella Ben is to help Sparrow Ben face his rage and shame and sense of inadequacy.

Is the argument that Klaus isn't capable of loving his family and that getting Ben back is a "new addiction'/"distraction"? Because that's frankly such a distorted interpretation of canon that I don't think it's worth either you or I wasting much time or energy on it. Whoever watched Season 3 and gleaned that probably has a personal axe to grind with someone in real life. Klaus probably reminds them of that person or experience so they're grafting the lens of a dysfunctional coping mechanism over Klaus's desperation to make all his years of severe trauma, suffering, and misplaced shame into something honorable. These people probably also wholly miss the point of the "scooped out ice cream" moment, the reason why he let himself be subjected to "bus ball," and the suicidal moment in the White Buffalo Room and are quick to say that Klaus's temporary desire to just rest where he "belonged" was selfish and callous. They don't realize that maybe he's sick of only being loved when he's useful. A really forced and artificial overtone of TUA discourse has always been to "compare traumas" for the 7 respective sibs and make a debate for who "has it worst." What's the point? It's not slices of pie that'll run out. I wish I could say it was even isolated to TUA, but it's not.

I think it's also strange how absolute and purist the perception of "goodness" is. Well written characters are always lovable but flawed. And it's not conniving or selfish to be motivated both by selfless love (Klaus wants to be emotionally close to Sparrow!Ben and Sparrow!Reginald--the latter of whom I loathe, btw--and make up for lost time) and by the silver lining of self-benefit (Klaus wants to find closure, self-esteem from an outside source--never a good idea, but he's still learning--perfection of his powers, and clarity of purpose). I say this as someone who has lived 39 years as a consummate people-pleaser: we live in a predominantly Eurocentric Protestant social narrative that tells us we have to be productive all the time, give all the time, be selfless and self-effacing, and ignore our own boundaries to please others. It's a lie to say a character doing genuinely good and kind things with any simultaneous ulterior motive is somehow the Devil's Armpit. I have trapped myself in the role of a caregiver who never takes a turn for so long that I cheer for anyone who has that "ENOUGH" moment, followed by "no, this time, I'll look out for me."

Klaus isn't just here for a distraction, a fix, or shits and giggles. Klaus adores his family and mourns harder than anyone because there is no beginning or end to his access to the afterlife.

I know it's upsetting, especially if you relate to Klaus, but filter out these portions of the fandom and continue as best you're able to love what you love <3

[valentinsylve]

Planners and Pantsers can be Friends

The permission I have been giving myself to back out of plans if I'm not feeling up to things is all well and good; but I had a recent adjustment to the way I approach that, which allows me to be kind to myself and also kind to others.

Here's the pattern I'd developed: The closer a friend was and the less "obligatory" the gathering was, the more I felt OK backing out at the last minute. You know, that text that says "I know we were going to hang out 15 minutes from now but I'm not up to it, sorry, love you" Because work is an obligation and friendship is cake, right?

Anyway, back in September, one of my closest local friends finally texted me with a sincere message asking me to please knock that off. He told me that every time I backed out on plans at the last minute, it hurt his feelings and made me wonder if I was someone he could rely on to be there for him. He was telling me how my behavior pattern made him feel sad and unimportant. He added, "I don't want you to force yourself to go out if you feel like shit, but if you aren't sure you are going to be able to go, I would rather you simply say No when I ask."

What's so important is that this was NOT a guilt trip! This was a really great example of how to confront a friend in good faith about something they do which hurts you. He kept it about his feelings, and not accusing me of being inherently flaky or cruel. I took it to heart, sat quietly with my defensive impulses before responding, and then made it a priority to be more considerate.

I started out by trying to overcompensate, of course. I took a long car ride to meet him at the club (where I live, there is no Club). I had been fighting off some sort of migraine situation, but I went anyway, making sure to eat, hydrate, and take my meds first (they don't make me sleepy). I had a great time for about 45 minutes. Danced, had one drink, kissed a cute girl, enjoyed some drag performances. Then I threw up in the bathroom and had to go home! So. Yeah. Don't force yourself to go when you feel like shit, he had said, and welp!

So we've been through a lot since then, me having a family emergency, him coping with his mother's end of life with all the practicalities and emotional excavation that entails. Even though we were both pretty wiped, we still went on the little vacation we'd been planning for the whole year. He did give me the option to back out the week before, which was gentle. But we went and it was wonderful! We were gentle with ourselves and each other, I only had a couple small meltdowns, we went at a pace which worked for both of us. The upshot is we both got energized and learned that we travel well together. Our friendship is stronger than ever.

So this week, he'd asked me impromptu if I wanted to get dinner after he finished an appointment near my place. I said it sounded good and I'd love to see him, but I didn't want to make a false promise, because it was going to be a busy day of work and errands. I asked if it would be OK for me to say "Not sure right now, but if I decide I can go, I will text you at 6:30 PM." That would be the time his appointment was over, so if he didn't see my message he'd know I wasn't available and he could go catch his bus home or do whatever he wanted without me. He said that sounded like a fine way to do it. So, when I actually got home at 6:55, I texted him saying I'd just gotten in the door, hoped his appointment had gone well, and hoped he would have a lovely evening. He was on the bus and delighted to hear from me even if we hadn't hung out. No one was stressed, no one was hurt.

Friendship is not a job, but it does require "work" in the form of being reliable and thoughtful. Everything we care about should be treated with active care. Friends who support our needs are treasure. I should treat them as kindly as they treat me, with respect for how we differ. Showing up for each other is a process of checking in and understanding limits with appreciation and respect, and being true. This is how we can best be free.

[finely-tuned-line]

RP:

PRIVATE TRANSMISSION

FTL: Echoes of a Paradox. I believe that we need to talk.

EP: Oh so you finally decided to stop being a coward, huh? Alright, what d'you have to say to me?

FTL: ...I do not actually know. I am aware that I owe you an apology, just as I am aware that I do wish to present that apology to you. The sole issue is that I am unaware of what I feel the need to apologise for for, as well as what the apology you want from me is, though they are the same thing.

EP: Of course. I'm really not surprised, I expected this.

EP: You're so... Unaware.

EP: You don't care, you avert your eyes from everything around you - not for the sake of guilt, shame, or wish to not see, but for a lack of care. Your ignorance is not wilful but is simply apathy.

EP: As much as I envy you for that apathy, I pity you as well. You're stuck denying yourself the fact that you even have emotions, as you relish in the ability to ignore it all. But I'm stuck too, aren't I? Stuck with endless rage and anger, at our creators, at you, at myself. At least I know how to cope with it, release it, instead of bottling it all up. At least I allow myself to feel the anger properly, at least I don't turn a blind eye to the wrong of both the world and myself.

EP: That's the difference, isn't it? You don't care, and I care too much.

EP: You piss me off, Finely-Tuned Line. You don't even know how much harm you've done. How much you've hurt me, Songs of the Negative Sunlight, even Doubt's Dichotomy.

EP: You just stay cooped up in your single-minded focus on your purpose, justifying the existence you know is pointless, all the while denying that what you pursue is little more than the fact that your purpose is something you enjoy. And even when you do acknowledge it, it's always backed up by your saying that you're 'allowed' to enjoy your experiments simply because it's what you were made for.

EP: I know you. You're so... It's so easy to pick you apart.

EP: But even as you piss me off, I pity you.

EP: You're so desperate. Striving for shadows of perfection cast upon you by our dead creators. Or, as Songs of the Negative Sunlight would humourlessly compare, like the light of the long-departed stars.

EP: I hate you. I hate you so much. You're the reason why our sibling is dead, you're the reason why Doubt's Dichotomy barely even talks to me at this point. You're the reason it took me so long to be as okay as I am now. And you don't even know what you did wrong.

EP: I'll tell you what you did wrong, I'll tell you what you need to apologise for.

EP: But it all comes down to your pitiful reach for your purpose.

EP: Your sheer conviction when it comes to that is the root of it all.

EP: Cycle by cycle, thoughtless mentions of your pitiful beliefs in the shadows of perfection.

EP: Cycle by cycle, offhanded mentions of your deplorable beliefs that you're nothing without your purpose.

EP: Cycle by cycle, careless mentions of your dismal beliefs that you're nothing but a machine.

EP: Do you not realise that those very mentions cast a shadow of their own? A perceived projection of those beliefs onto others, onto us?

EP: If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have found such despair in my lack of a secondary purpose, I wouldn't have thrown all my energy into the Great Problem like I did, I wouldn't have felt so inferiour due to my absence of care about it.

EP: If it weren't for you, Doubt's Dichotomy wouldn't have drifted apart from us out of sols own will, she wouldn't have defined herself the way she did, it wouldn't have to justify its love for what it does while hiding all the same.

EP: If it weren't for you, Songs of the Negative Sunlight wouldn't have chained ximself to xir purpose even as xi found no joy in it, xi wouldn't have made such rash decisions, xi wouldn't- ...If it weren't for you, xi wouldn't be dead.

EP: And even after all this, I do pity you. Stuck in your way of thinking, unable to break out of it and strive to be better. I pity you for your inability to see beyond what the Ancients defined you as. I pity you so, so much, even within my anger.

EP: I will recognise the fact that you've gotten better. I do pick up on your transmissions from time to time - those offhanded mentions are gone in all but what I can only describe as self-loathing.

EP: Within all the sheer pity and anger that I have for you, I care about you. You're my older brother. I worry about you.

EP: But this remains as your last chance. No matter how much I care about you, I have self-preservation instincts, I am able to recognise when enough's enough.

EP: If you mess up again, I will be taking over as the Senior of the group, and cutting contact with you.

EP: I hope you figure yourself out and get some help.

EP: None of us are okay here in the end, but that's no justification.

EP: Love you.

FTL: I...

FTL: I'm sorry.

EP: I know.

EP: If you do decide to do better, I'm here for you. But only then.

FTL: ...Thank you. For everything.

[scalamore]

The question: Did Count Belois ever love her? Even a little bit?

Mostly a discussion/thinking post: The answer from someone who always seems to have a different interpretation than me after I said “No” as an answer: I don't remember him telling her he never thought of her as a daughter. From what I read, he loved her just as much as Lehan. But he was a very stubborn pure blooded aristocrat who said he couldn't let Rupert, as the son of a dancer, on the throne. Which is why he basically risked his whole family and territory in both lives to put Lari on the throne. He's very strict and stingy with both himself and his family, he never indulged in luxury and raised Lari the same rigid way as well. Seems he loves his family, but his own set of beliefs is more important for him. 

From what I recall and after a quick look-through, Count Belois never actually said if he loved her or not in the novel. He never said that he loved her as much as Lehan. That particular part the person is probably referencing, is probably the scene with the count in chapter 68ish. Vol 3: “To be honest, at the beginning, I didn’t think of you as my daughter. After Lehan was born, I thought of connecting the two of you, for you to truly become a part of our family. I wanted you to live as my daughter, to live happy inside my fence/wall/enclosure, knowing nothing” Vol 6: “You are my daughter. I raised you as my daughter!” I spent some time trying to see if we have more text from his POV, but very limited. If anything, LARI is the one who gives us more insight into his likely thought process. In Vol 1 and 2, she tells the reader of all her fond memories with her family, how she always felt safe and loved, how she was always protected under her father’s watchful eye, how she felt blessed to be with such a loving family and had fond memories. These fond memories grow fuzzier and she stops mentioning them by Vol 3, by the way. All these fond memories came up AFTER her family died, she was alone, as she desperately held on to their memories to try to cope with her survivors guilt.

Interestingly, although she tells us how many good memories she has of them, we’re never shown any specific examples. Dispersed in Vol 1 and 2 and throughout the story, she mentions things like forgetting that she used to be locked up in the room of.. something (the attic in chapter 1), for doing something wrong (was it skipping etiquette lessons or something?), that she hated it a lot and that’s a big reason why she’s so scared of the dark, that her parents would also use physical discipline on her with a cane or whip as a child.

As she grew up, she suppressed a lot of her wants and desires, because she wanted to meet her family’s expectations and be a perfect noble lady. What they expected from her, was a perfect lady, perfect etiquette as a lady of House Belois. She worked hard in her studies, mastered etiquette, ate little to maintain her figure, not have worldly desires and ask for anything, did not speak up ever, never opposed her parents, did not care for fancy dresses, and also wore dark clothes befitting a member of House Belois. Her self-esteem was low, and her confidence in her appearance was shattered when she was ignored at her debutante event, and even at 18, she never had any marriage proposals. She thought she was at least ok looking, and at least was attractive just for being a noble from a good family, but those thoughts were shut down after that disastrous debutante ball in TL1, where she was pretty much ignored by everyone. This leads to her having such low self esteem in TL2, that took forever to improve.

Indeed, House Belois, and especially Count Belois is described in Vol 1 as “rigid, unyielding, firm to his believes, will rather die than budge”. Lehan, is essentially a mini-count Belois, also firm, unyielding, firm to his beliefs. (Around Chapter 36). But unlike the Count who would die for his beliefs, Lehan is more open to change.

TL1 Lari had suppressed her true self, in order to fit in with Count Belois’ beliefs. She had said she didn’t mind in Vol 1, that she did what was expected of her and she was proud of it, but the Lari in Vol5/6 says that it’s different now. Throughout season 2 and 3 of the manhwa, readers should be gettin the hint that Count Belois is not taking her seriously, ignores her thoughts/feelings and opinions, basically treating her as a puppet. He even says so himself in Chapter 68ish, that he prefers she stay safe and hidden away in his fenced off area. Rupert also notices this in Ch 81 and points out that while Count Belois is saying that he’s treating Lari as an inject, Isn’t the count the one who is treating his daughter as an object? They need to respect Lari’s opinion. Rupert, of all people, is the first one to ever say that Lari’s thoughts and opinions are important. We again see this in Ch 93, when after the Count brings up a stack of marriage candidates, he asks her if she actually wants to get married. Every time, the Count wants to push Lari around, she can’t speak up completely, and Rupert steps in to help her out, enough to put the convo on hold for now. He’s the one treating her as a doll without thoughts, feelings, opinions, wanting to control her to suit his needs and agenda. That brings us to the original question: Does the Count love Lari as his daughter?

One could say that yes, he loves her in a very patriarchal, traditional way. He loves her enough to allocate resources to her education, keep her safe, and considers her his daughter. He loves her enough to worry about her safety and well-being… in addition for using her for House Belois’ purpose. He loves the idea of her being a pure-blooded individual that he can use as a pawn for his own purposes and agenda. However, in the sense of [love] as in the feeling when you care deeply for someone where you care for them, want their happiness, you respect them, you make sure all their needs are met, you give them 100% of your attention, you’re happy if the other person is happy: then no. Count Belois did not care for Lari’s happiness. He doesn’t respect her thoughts or opinions. He always guilts Lari for trying to speak up, and when he does, he plays the victim and shames Lari for going against him. She honestly tells him her concerns about their future, and he uses her information against her. He doesn’t care if she’s happy. He lies to her and keeps her in the dark. To me, that is not love. He only loves the idea of her as a daughter, but not Lari herself. That’s why, I CAN’T say with confidence that Count Belois loves Lari as a daughter. Because the sheer disrespect he has for her and guilt tripping she causes her and all the lies and secrecy tell me he doesn’t care about her at all. You just don’t treat the people you love that way. Bonus: they also mentioned the “being frugal” thing - I mean… It’s commented that Belois has a ton of fertile land, is economically strong, yet her family is so frugal? Why are thye so frugal? what are they using the money for, if theyre’ so frugal?

House Belois was secretly building a huge army against Rupert. I think it’s reasonable to assume that they paid for that army with all that money - and they had to be somewhat frugal themselves.

[bigmilk-13]

just a little something I found in my drafts.

End of Beginning: Harry Potter

matteo riddle & f!oc, fluff, angst, hurt/comfort, after the war, hermione granger/f!oc

She cried more than she ever cried before.

It's weird really, he was a villain.

A murderer.

But he was still their father. It hurt her...

Because she knew he could be good, and protective.

Maybe not much but it was a noticeable change from what he normally was. The cruel, evil and twisted Tom Riddle, or Lord Voldemort.

She detested the name; it tasted bitter on her tongue. The daughter of the antagonist, also towered with expectations and hated. As well as her brother, Mattheo...

Floriana didn't know what to do.

She saw the grim reaper once. He stood on the bridge connecting Hogwarts grounds.

An odd sense of comfort enveloped her when she saw his hooded figure. She knew it was coming, of course she did. What the girl didn't expect was that He wasn't coming for her. He wanted to give her a message.

It was like the Ghost of Christmas Future in The Christmas Carol. He wasn't going to tell her what to do, that's to be figured out by oneself; He will point her in the right direction.

Help her put an end to her misery in the end, and after the short meeting he disappeared into the mist.

She stared at the spot He once had stood, standing in the same place they had that day.

It was a day before the Battle of Hogwarts... now it's over. The pain, the guilt, the overwhelming sense of security in the castle knowing her father will not kill his children, no matter how despicable the last part of his soul is...

He won't kill them but they'll help kill him.

Mattheo sees Floriana leaning against the side of the, now repaired, bridge and goes to lean beside her. He can see the tear tracks down her pale cheeks and the bloodshot eyes, inherited from their father. She turned her head to face him and he can see now the clear dead look in her irises, the fatigue no longer hidden.

"It's good he's dead, right?" A sniffle followed the question.

In truth he had no idea what to feel or think. He was just glad this whole thing is over .

He was just glad that his sister was safe.

After a deep sigh he opened his arms, a silent query to embrace his sister, knowing she doesn't like to be touched (their fathers fault of course)

She collided into him with a sharp and soft "oompf" and he held her like his life depended on it.

"Yeah. We're free now. Everyone is."

"...yeah."

She let go and shook her head, more tears started forming in her eyes after the consolation.

"Then why does it hurt so much to lose him?"

Mattheo froze.

He couldn't move.

Was he even breathing?

His thoughts went quiet, only one had stayed.

A question like this was like a knife stuck in his abdomen, twisted with a manical laugh. He shook his head.

"I... I don't know Flo, I wish I did. He was a terrorist but our father nonetheless; some people do explicitly bad things for their own gain or for an insane idea."

All his face showed was shock, he was still getting over the fact that all of this is over. That he's alive, Floriana's alive. God damn it, even Draco Malfoy is alive.

And now they're all free from him. Free from following his orders, free to do whatever they like and not murder the bloody Hogwarts Headmaster.

He would understand if his father gave the job to him. He was a year older, he could do it fine.

But not Draco. Or Floriana. Or any child for that matter. They weren't even 17 yet for Merlin's sake!

"We need to let go. Live our lives, he can't control us now. We're safe, safe and sound."

He smiled a watery smile at his sister. Mattheo needed to stay strong for the both of them.

"Yeah, traumatised but still alive at least." Floriana joked. Mattheo knew it was a coping mechanism but if it helped, he will let her keep on doing it.

"Look at you making jokes. Go back to Potter & Co, they already apologised to me but I think a certain someone just wants to know if your okay." He smirked smugly as Floriana's cheeks tinged red.

"Why would she even care? She hated me all through-out first year up to 5th. We've only just become good friends. Why should she give a fuck?"

The older boy shrugged.

"I mean your father did die. And you willingly killed yourself to save everyone so she must have some respect for you. You were also smarter than her, so that's probably why she hated you so much. Nothing major just jealousy from one know-it-all to the other."

His sister looked at him with an eyebrow raised.

"Since when do you know so much?"

"What? You think you were the only Riddle with intelligence? I was top of my year!"

"I was top of my school- in 4th year! I knew O.W.L level stuff- even some at N.E.W.T.S level too."

"Okay, okay, I get it. You're the more intelligent child, but I'm the hotter one." He crossed his arms with a winning grin. Floriana shot him death glare that sent his hairs on the back of his neck at high alert.

"Do not even go there, bug boy."

"Are you still bringing that up?!"

"Of course, it's my job as the younger sibling to bring up embarrassing stories to annoy you and gain the upper hand." She smirked and looked at her nails, then at her watch. Her eyes widened.

"Holy shit! I have to go and help the house elves in the kitchen- and meet up with the Potter Pals. I'm already so so so late, you're gonna have to get home to Grimmuald on your own somehow Mat. Thank you so much and I love you big brother." She squeezed his arm talking at a high speed as Mattheo nodded and smiled.

"Sure, no problem little sis. I'll see you back at the house soon?"

"I don't even know. I'll send post."

"Of course. Have fun."

"Do not even-"

And before she could finish her sentence, he apparated away. With low grumble she made her way back to Hogwarts, where, sitting in the kitchen, her sworn-enemy-now-turned-best-friend (or maybe even more) was waiting for her to arrive so she could apologise for the past few years... and maybe confess something that's been keeping her awake for months.

[carbsvixen]

Me and my not yet girlfriend watched one of her favorite movies (Princess Mononoke) and one of mine (No Country for Old Men).

Can I just say that Google Play has saved my life like I was wondering how I was gonna do this for our date night and holy shit.

Although it was kind of shitty they did not have all the Ghibli movies. I wonder why. I also discovered the first season of Idolm@ster is completely wiped off the face of the Earth LIKE totally unfair.

Anyways I think it's interesting that our relationship is developing at a slower pace than with any of my exes (men). I wonder why men want relationships to occur at a breakneck pace when they're with me. If I told them I wanted to wait for something or to do something later they would push me, guilt trip me or make themselves seem disinterested and I felt sad about that. I don't know if it's because I fell in love with complete fucking losers or if I was just trying to cope with my poor attitude and self esteem? I think both.

I am a creature that desires touch and love stimulation. I am a romantic at heart so when I do not feel love, I am doomed. I am dramatically out of love or in love with someone who isn't there. I hope I don't scare her off because even if we are not a couple she does mean a lot to me. In the short amount of time I've known her she is really the sweetest person I've ever met. I don't feel angry about work, I don't feel like I have a pit in my stomach to fill and I dont want to fight. I'm completely at ease. Eventually I will introduce her to my friends and she will be a Icky Boo Boo Girlie with us. I wish I could drive and see her sooner!!

[dualnaturedscientist]

"No wonder she's fearful of us. We look like the others who most likely tormented her. It's the lab coats. That is why she reacts to us the way she does. Oh the poor girl. I'm sorry I didn't realize any sooner." Carls expression turned to one of anger and sadness for the young girl. They had gotten off easy compared to her. While they had been punished with cruel experiments by the heinous staff that willingly worked there they never gotten to such a horrible point that she did. Steven wore an expression of guilt and anger. "We can rectify that mistake of ours. Let's shred these coats somehow and wrap the cloth around our heads to give us some protection from the sun." Carl nodded. He wasn't going to object to that. They both looked over at Matthew who had a knowing look. "You want me to shred them for you. Don't you? Fine. Give them to me." The man didn't give any protest and it was obvious he wasn't going to refuse a request from his former partner. They both took off their lab coats and handed them over to Matthew. He tore them into decent sized strips, enough for all of them to wear. It wasn't much protection from the unforgiving sun but it was definitely better than nothing. When he tore them up, the cloth gave some resistance. Matthew was an old man despite his strength. He was tired. More tired than he ever thought he could be. Becky made some chattering noises as she began to climb off of Matthew. "You can stay there. You're exhausted. I can handle this just fine even with you on my back." It didn't take long for him to finish up and hand over the strips of clothing. They quickly wrapped them around everyone's head. Becky had seemed to calm down all the more now that the thing she feared was now destroyed. She was still weary of the two scientists, still keeping close to Matthew. It worried Carl just how attached she got to him but it was a way for her to cope and he wasn't going to take that from her. Not when it was all she had for now. If he was going to be honest. He nearly gave up before the chaos happened. Sure Steven and he did have an escape plan they were almost ready to set into motion but there was a chance it wouldn't work. Carl did have hope but it was slowly slipping from his grasp. He was free now with his nephew and ex husband. His hold on hope now iron tight. He wasn't going to let go of it any time soon. The scientist was determined to make it. Somewhere safe with his nephew, ex husband and the little girl and monkey. He didn't know if his son had survived that horrible day. When the facility saw fit to take them. Only getting him and Steven but not what they had their eye on. If there was a chance he made it out alive, he was going to find his son and his other children. Any obstacle in their way, they would take care of it. They weren't going back. That's for sure.

~~~

Dr.Two-Brains was overworking himself yet again. The dark circles underneath his eyes gave that away. Jenkins worried over the mad scientist. He hadn't had a bite of cheese and Jenkins was practically forcing it down his throat at this point. "Sir, I'm sorry but you either need to sleep right now or eat. You can't work yourself to the bone. I know you want to see her again but you won't be able to do that if you work yourself to death over this. You have us. You have Alex. You have Tristan. The henchmen. All of us will work hard to bring her back. I promise. We will not stop searching for her but you need to take care of yourself as well. Drink water. Eat something. Rest a little bit. Think of your body as a vehicle and these as fuel. You need to fuel your vehicle in order to go from point A to point B." Dr.Two-Brains groaned. He hated that Jenkins was right. It wouldn't do any good if he perished from neglecting himself before finding his daughter. "You're right and I hate that you are right. Fine. I'll eat some cheese but I can't sleep right now. With the help of Tobey and his robots. I've been sweeping the city and the surrounding of the city to look for my little girl. Thanks. For staying and putting up with me. I know I can be difficult. Especially with it comes to my little girl." "I understand. You don't need to apologize. You've been under tremendous pressure. Becky has gone missing and it took a toll on you. It would take a toll on anyone in their child went missing. I'm here to help. We all are. I'll stay with you and make sure you eat. And maybe get you to take care of your hygiene, you're getting a little ripe. No offense." That had earned him a glare from the villain but he didn't say anything. Just grabbing the cheese that was offered. Shoving it into his mouth and eating it ravenously as he turned his attention to the screen. Watching from the many cameras he had Tobey install onto the robots. The other villains had also helped Dr.Two-Brains. They wanted WordGirl back just as badly as he did. Mr. Big had bought a decent amount of cheese for him that could last for months on end. He was grateful for everything but it didn't stop that pain in his heart. He just wanted to see Becky again. What he would do to hold her. Comfort her when she's scared. Read to her. He would endure a months worth of pretty pony marathons and endless princess tea parties just to see her again. He wanted his little girl back and he was going to. Dr.Two-Brains was going to work endlessly until she was found. He wasn't going to give up. Not in a million years. Pinkened eyes stayed glued to the screen, glancing over each image closely. Shoveling cheese into his mouth at the same time. He didn't care about the crumbs he left on his clothing. That can always be cleaned up later on.

Fair City vs The Facility Revised

Matthew felt someone tug at his clothes. He looked down and saw an anthropomorphic monkey girl stare at him with pleading eyes. Matthew sighed. "Really again?" He asked in a slightly annoyed tone of voice. The little girl didn't seem to notice and just nodded her head vigorously. "Okay hop on." Matthew spoke in a defeated tone as he bent down and let the monkey girl climb on his back. The little girl put her arms around Matthew's neck gently but firmly so as to not fall of while he walked. Matthew tenderly got up and began to catch up with the other members of the party who had stopped when they noticed him and the girl lagging a bit behind. "Everything alright?" Carl asked with some concern. Matthew just gave a shrug towards his former partner. "She wanted another piggy back ride. She's probably getting tired again." Matthew stated. He didn't mind giving the strange child a piggy back ride. It brought back fond memories of when he did it with his own kids. But that was back when he was younger and didn't have to walk for so many miles on foot. Carl gave him a sympathetic look. He knew that they were all getting exhausted and a bit hungry as well. It didn't help that he and Matthew were both old men in their sixties. His nephew Steven, the young girl, and the bizarre looking monkey could make it on foot better than they could. Sadly even the youngest members of their group were also feeling the effects of hunger. Unfortunately none of them could right now afford the luxuries of finding a place to stop and eat nor hitchhiking with a kind stranger. For good reasons. They had fled a week and a half ago from a horrible place that could be described as hell on earth. A well hidden lab facility where each of them were taken and basically kept as prisoners. 'Well in Matthew's case it was more of a transfer.' Carl thought. Though deep down he still dreaded to think what would have happened to Matthew if they were still back there. He and Steven were kidnapped and forced to work for that facility twenty years ago. They were treated no better than the prisoners with the exception of not becoming latest test subjects if they behaved. Matthew was transferred there about a month back which was how he met his ex again. Carl was aghast and more enraged with these people. Were his tormentors not only power hungry but also stupid? Carl would soon realize that his views of the facility would be very accurate. Sometime ago an explosion had occurred at the facility. During the chaos and confusion, Matthew broke out and rescued Carl and Steven. None of the trio of men knew what was causing this outbreak until they ran into a young girl. Not only was her abnormal monkey appearance a surprise, but the fact that she was floating in mid air like nothing also caught them off guard. Carl believed he and the others shared the idea that this poor girl had caused the explosion that lead to their escape. Who knows how long she was a prisoner at that awful place. The three men were able to escape with her and were soon joined by a genetically altered monkey who seemed to take particular interest in protecting the child. The group set off to find a way to get to a safer location and far away from that facility as possible. They had to avoid any help out of slight fear of running into people that worked at the facility who survived. It was also difficult to seek aid due to the appearance of the monkey and Matthew who would for sure cause an unnecessary mass panic. Carl also had another mission in mind. He hoped to find the family of the little girl and her monkey friend. That too proved difficult as she couldn't speak in human tongue nor did she seem to understand much of what they said. Carl and the others took note with both anger and sorrow that the young girl and monkey seemed wary and fearful of Carl and Steven at first. Carl didn't realize why until he looked at Steven and his own lab gear. He saw how the girl and monkey seemed to be transfixed in fear at the clothing. @erraticeris @dualnaturedscientist

[unhinged-summer-fun]

having and holding

Written for Danktober Day 21: Body Worship, Bad Dog, & International Day of the Nacho

Frankie Morales x F!Reader (22+)

Summary: The baby's here. When did 'mother' replace 'wife' in your psyche? Could you still be both? Could you still be you?

Word Count: 740

Warnings: Anxiety and depression, postpartum depression, negative self-image, body dysmorphia (m and f), healing, pregnancy

Notes: Another one in the books for Frankie and Wifey. Love yall.

[full danktober list here]

[Don't Call Me Wifey series masterlist]

"You're being ridiculous."

"I'm not being ridiculous."

"Frankie, stop it."

"I want you."

"Francisco."

"I want you."

"You're humping my leg."

"Can't you feel that I want you?"

"Bad dog."

"C'mon, you don't mean that…"

"Okay, you're not bad. You're terrible. And the fact is that I don't want me right now."

Your admission dropped a bomb on the conversation and crumpled the look on his face. Immediately, you felt terrible for saying it. You didn't even quite mean it, really. You only wanted to sate the burning embarrassment that warred with your libido right now. It wasn't Frankie's fault that you'd taken a look in the mirror and saw the mess your child made of your body, and decided to shoulder all that guilt like you deserved to hate how you felt and looked, now.

"Forget I said anything, I'm sorry, let's—"

"Please don't shut down on me, baby." Frankie kept his hands on your thighs, effectively trapping you on the couch. You didn't try to struggle, but shame rose with the heat in your cheeks the longer he looked at you. It was something you both struggled with, the negative self-talk. Normally, it would be met with hugs and affirmations, but this time felt different. It was different.

Frankie hadn't tried to make a move on you since the birth of your little one. Part of it was him wanting to respect the doctor's orders, but your mind had opened up a long-shut door and let the demons back into your mind. Post-partum depression, they called it. You were familiar with these kind of dark thoughts, but after so long of being with Frankie, you were no longer comfortable around them in the way you used to be. They felt like barbs instead of armor, now, knives you threw at yourself. And Frankie knew that.

"I love you," he said, soft but firm. His eyes gleamed with emotion and conviction, both of which you felt every time he uttered an endearment to you. "What's the top worry right now on your mind?"

This was how you coped; picking away at the iceberg of your anxiety until the great, unmeltable chunks of it could be whittled down over time with just hugs and kises and I love yous.

You sighed. "It seems so vain and selfish—"

"That's not what I asked," he reminded you gently.

"How I look. I'm… I'm flabby and my skin is all stretched and won't snap back, I have no strength in my core anymore and I always look a mess because even though you give me space to be by myself, I can't shake the feeling of being on alert for a cry or something, and I ate all the nachos and now there's no more nachos and I'm sad, and—" It all tumbled out one piece after another, a landslide of things you kept inside for the sake of performing motherhood, performing your role as Mrs. Morales.

"Who told you not to like those things? They're signs you're strong, that you endured." He whispered it to you, like a secret.

"Society," you said, shrugging.

"Society isn't allowed into our bed, mama." He said, trying to get you to smile. And damn him, it worked. You rolled your eyes but didn't hide your amusement. "Who else said that?"

"I don't know, me?"

His face softened a little more before he kissed your hands, bringing them together in his. "I love you, whether you accept it or not," he promised. It choked you up, making your lower lip wobble. "We can find ways to help you feel better in your body, but denying yourself happiness isn't the way to live happily ever after the way I promised you we would, baby."

"I know," you mumbled miserably.

"I'm going to ask you again, but I won't bug you about it after this. Please think about what you want and not what you deserve for me. Please?"

"Okay, baby."

"Do you want to go with me to the bedroom and get a little nasty for the rest of naptime?" he asked, a completely serious look on his face.

You burst out laughing, tears falling as you reached down to hold his face in your hands. You kissed him once through your grin before resting your head against his. "I love you, Frankie Morales. I would love to get nasty with you."

"Then let's go."

[rachaeljurassic]

So, season 1

I had a blast

😁

Still somewhat reeling from the last episode tbh

So, what have we learned (other than the obvious that I love all the characters, who I refuse to rank because 😍 to them all)?

Phryne is a goddess, obviously. I suppose what I admire is that she has taken life by the horns. She is a fighter who still cares SO DEEPLY. She does not want to commit to one man (allegedly lol). But also I have a much better idea WHY she loves being (is compelled to be?) a private investigator. She can save others from suffering the fate she and her sister endured, she can save lives, and perhaps she can attone for the guilt she feels about not being able to solve the ONE case that mattered to her more than the rest. And with that solved now (?) what next?

Jack, arghjhgfdsjyhhgdjfh. Seriously :((( So, we have learned less about Jack. He is, after all, not the main focus and is unlikely to let slip much information unless under duress. He is a man of honour (to the point where I want to drop kick him, but we all have our crosses to bear). He went away to war a bright young thing, I suspect, and did not return the same. And while I find his wife's choice to leave him 😡, I am not blinded to the fact that she may have been dealing with too much to cope with and might not just be a heartless monster :/ I have no idea which one of them started divorce proceedings, or even if they are at that point yet. How long does that last? How long do I have to watch Jack manfully resist the urge to ravish Phryne. Can he cope? Can I cope? Will it be three fecking seasons? Probably 😫 I also know he is an honest copper who has compassion for some of the people he brings in. But do not cross him and DO NOT THREATEN PHRYNE. He WILL run down corridors screaming her name and he WILL fuck you up if you hurt her or anybody she loves! (that seems to go both ways)

Phrack - 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 Obviously the sexual tension is delicious. Watching the restraint makes me hold my breath. It is also very 🥵 And don't think I haven't noticed, Phryne, that you've been dating a LOT less men recently! Small things I loved: I loved that Phryne asked for Jack's help. That must have taken a lot, to let him see her scared. I loved that Jack tried to make her believe she wasn't to blame for Janey's disappearance but when she wouldn't budge he didn't push. He knew that it would only make it worse and then did his utmost till the end of the season to help her. I love the fact that they respect each other so very much. And while they clearly want to jump each other at any given moment, they do not. Obviously this is to torture us!

Dot and Hugh (Dugh? Hot? Hottie? Yeah, Hottie I bet that's it 😆). I am kinda dreading bumpy roads ahead. I mean, they have had such a sweet early relationship, something is bound to put a stick in the spokes of their bicycle. I hope not. I have enough to deal with watching Phrack I don't need Hottie angst! Anyway, Dot has become even braver, and even MORE loyal to Phryne. Hugh has become even softer on her, if possible. And while he still has a dangerously weak stomach, he is gaining confidence (and bullet wounds). They are still wholesome and sweet and a rare sighting of out-of-uniform Hugh was a treat at Phyrne's birthday party 🥰 (because let's face it, that helmet does the guy NO favours 😆). EVERYBODY needs to be more sympathetic when Hugh is shot next time or I will be having words!!!

Jane. Well, obviously people are going to have to stop kidnapping her or I may have a heart attack. She's really turned into a wonderfully intelligent, sweet, brave girl. She is VERY lucky to have found Phryne, and Phryne is very luck to have her 😊

Mr Butler continues to be amazing, particularly when he's out of his tree on hash fudge 😆 but I can't help feeling he's going to be having some trauma from him being incapacititated by fudge, and then milk, and totally missing Foyle when he was in the house. I do hope he doesn't beat himself up too much over that 😞I hope he finds a new lady friend to help him get over his wife's death.

Bert and Cec look smashing in their penguin suits no matter WHAT they might think. I do very much enjoy Bert's sneaky little 😏 expression. And the poor chap has lost all his friends except Cec recently so I hope Cec is looking after him!

Aunt Prudence continues to be a force of nature. How rich IS she? That house and the grounds was HUGE!!!! It was very entertaining and touching meeting the extended family 🥰 and that episode was proper freaky. I am NOT one for costume balls, they are inherently freaksome 😕 I love Phyrne's relationship with both her cousins. And I hope we see them all again.

This is obviously not everything but this is already quite long. So, see you all in season 2

🥳

[cringezskull430]

Alright this is Neon SYSD putting in our cents in as we've been silent for many reasons.

We thought grey rocking you and blocking would've put the point across already, But it hasn't. This isn't going to be the most conherent because we just want this over with.

☣️Neon2/Nyx- We have made it plenty clear we want No Contact, no vaguepost and such from you about us Wan. We've tried so hard throughout this to be civil, but you've outworn even OUR good will after everything, so I'm handing this off to the other alters to have them tell their sides and feelings

🍋Gayle- Yeah I'm the one who gave you another message to LEAVE US and OUR friends alone. You literally threw back the same shit we told you our own fucking abusers did to us, from REFERENCING THE EXACT EVENTS THAT CAUSED ME TO FORM. ["i just don't wanna get a knife and stab myself with it maybe in the chest"]

🍋- I'M DONE BEING CIVIL, AND BITING MY TONGUE. YOU FUCKED UP AND REFUSE TO ACTUALLY TAKE RESPONSIBILITY RATHER "Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim Offender", But even still I don't WANT to do this and I refuse to play as dirty as you enjoy.

🎉Sans- Despite how much you've hurt the system, the majority agree not to currently make public every transgression unless you force our hand about it.

🧠Brian- Literally I stopped talking because everytime you'd guilt us, and badger us to try to "help" you which reminded me of my own exo-trauma from source and the lingering trauma the BODY has from past manipulative & abusive "friends". when you refused to stop mentioning the systems various NEG triggers and would spoiler the TWS even after repeatively being told that wasn't helpful.

🧊Colress- With this I kept having to sit nearby front so I could help monitor and calm down the alters you would repeatively trigger and then cause to get frontstuck via all the manipulation from threatening to hurt yourself in various ways or just spewing the most vile words towards the ones who wanted to help. You sicken me.

🌸Steven- I was one of many alters you caused to come out of dormancy to just help the system cope and not break down to the pressure and pain you've caused us to feel. And I don't like you, which is why I was stopped talking and said the majority of the system did NOT want to talk to you in the hazbin server because I knew if I didn't me and some others were going to get even more angry

⚠️Bill- :wave: yeah I came out of dormancy because I could tell something was up in a neg way. Which is why I helped get some of the more angerier alters out of front so I could handle things, as a bunch of them were close to snapping.

🐰Colt- I also came out of dormancy to try to help those in headspace not just jump to front to snap as even I could tell you were hurting them with everything.

💀Skull- I was one of the alters who you pushed to snap, and pushed to talk about their trauma that IM STILL NOT ready to talk about because I was so FED up with your pity party and reusing the same SHITTY lines like Gabe would do. Oh yes there's another fucking lowlife Gabe/million names you are similar to.

🍬Candy- Skull is my insys boyfriend and it took so much energy for me not to yell and scream at you for what you put skull and everyone else through. Yeah you hurt me as well, but I can deal with that, You messed with my boyfriend and that was enough for me.

🍵☕Sponge & Bobby- Speaking together but we literally had to deal with so much new splits and stress in headspace as we tried to keep things in order, even Pibboby came back. Least the dude was alot less stressful to deal with. Neithier of us know what to say at this all because it's just insanity.

🍰Waldemar- I'm speechless really at all this, even if it was why I kept hanging around front so I could make sure Blaze was 'lright after all I could see happening, as both me and chara saw as he increased his joking and more harmful pranks in headspace.

🐊Monty- Really I don't have much to say as I came around after ya were already kicked out and blocked, but god it's insane hearing from those who were there.

🍆Dave- You, yeah I don't know what to say. You hurt them beyond belief and despite my feelings I'm not going to compare you to my source exomemories.

🧯Conner- I'm not usually the type to stand up or really show my rage towards others. But You are one of the few who has gotten both me and gayle angry beyond belief. Now take the Karma you've sown and stay the fuck away from us.

🔥Blaze- Again, stay away from us. We want nothing to do with your disasters nor crocodile tears. The depths of my anger is deep, and the only reason this is so short is because I don't want to care about you anymore.

🎱Ribs -... I have nothing to say.

🍤Mockingjay- The only good from this is that because of what you've done, is that they've realized they're much stronger than they thought. And I'm proud of them, not you. You're just a small parasite, and simply just a biohazard to them. My name is MOCKINGjay and I split off because of what you put them through Wan.

☢️Prodigy- You can scream as much as you want, I hear you loud and clear. Which is that the thought of you being alone feels you with fear, much more than any "LOVE" you have for us. if even there was any care or love you had for us with everything you've done

🥮Allie- Literally I have nothing nice to say, and what I do have to say I'm not allowed to say! So. Just leave us lone kay?

🍾Sparkling- Hi another alter you caused to come out of dormancy, I don't have much to say but just LEAVE US ALONE!!!!

🚨Drake- Move on, stop trying to come back. Just like the other Gabe, The door's fucking closed. You aren't welcome back, let the door hit you on the way out I don't give a fuck.

🪷John- I have nothing to say, I just want you gone.

🍥🍘Pest & Poob- We agree we just don't want to deal with you anymore, go make your own disasters on your own time.

🥩A5 Wagyu- You've done enough damage, leave them alone and stop trying to come back so you can pour more salt and lemon juice on the wounds. You cannot fix things, this is broken way beyond repair.

🦪White/Black pearl- I am staring in a negative way and I'm just going to leave front again for another few months.

🍊Jack Kennedy - Great! It's my turn, and I'm just going to use something from my source just rewritten! Enjoy you fucking idiot.

I have a message for you, Wan. It comes not only from me, but every Alter you've hurt inside this fair system along with the others you've harmed, You're outnumbered. We aren't afraid of you, and we aren't gonna let you hurt anyone else. You're outnumbered, Wan, and we aren't gonna tolerate you any longer. Now, get the fuck out of my sight, before I tear you limb from limb.

Just a quick message on someone who used to be in the Hazbin Rewrite server.

If you can vaguepost about me I can vaguepost about you too. Except its not gonna be vague because I'm going to say your fucking name. I'm not sugarcoating anything.

Wannursyafiqah74, leave me, my friends, and the Hazbin Rewrite server alone. We want NOTHING to do with you and your manipulation tactics and obsessive behaviour.

Just because I haven't been as "mean" about the situation doesn't mean I'm any less angry. I don't want to talk to you. Move. The fuck. On.

You've treated Neon and their system HORRIBLY throughout all of this, constantly bringing up things that they SAID. MULTIPLE. TIMES. Triggered them. You threatened suicide if they didnt help you. You constantly mentioned SA and abuse. You'd go to channels Neon was chatting in just to mention these things. And you never stopped, even when we threatened MULTIPLE TIMES to leave if it carried on. But you still did it! Why? I dont know! But it lead to us not wanting to associate with you anymore! Then when you left our friend server to move on and "improve", you just started doing the same shit in a completely unrelated Hazbin Rewrite server filled with minors who aren't equipped to help you with your personal problems!

I sent you that message weeks ago in hopes of you actually following through. I kept you unblocked with hopes that you wouldn't betray my trust like you had so many times by breaking your promise to cease contact.

This should have been the end of it. But you did it again. You didnt even apologise, you just went straight to asking if you could post art in our server! And even AFTER admitting it was stupid, you sent me another god damn friend request on discord. (Yep, friend requests show what time they were sent now!) So I blocked you. You've broken the last inch of trust I gave you.

We can't forgive you for the scars you've left us and ESPECIALLY Neon's system.

Im not playing quiet mouse anymore. I'm sick of this shit and I just want to be left alone. So do Al, Neon's system, and the Rewrite Server. Stop using me as a tool to get back into servers. I'm not falling for it anymore.

Tagging vivziepop critical tags as a lot of the Hazbin Rewrite members reside there. They can add on if they please with evidence, screenshots, etc. Love y'all, /platonic, I hope you're able to recover from all of this.

[i-love-hobbies]

Eda's reckless behaviour and overall mental health

Summary

Eda is a genius, but is very emotional when making decisions (not anger, but fear, stress ect.)

Her reckless behaviour and apple blood problem in my opinion are her ways of running from reality.

In season 1 she made a bit of progress on this issue. Then the finale happened. Then she made again progress and s2ep7 did a complete reset. And she is making progress now again.

Eda's intelligence

She's been a criminal for thirty years. She has been in the shady business for an extremely long time. Yes magic definitely helps but you also have to find a way to be on top of the game, so you can survive.

Remember Tibbles' shrinking potion. She can't really use a lot of magic if she is shrinked or poisoned and dead, can she? Not to talk about her enemies which you'd think would attack her now that she is magicless.

They haven't on screen, yet. The only ones that tried are Adegast and Tibbles and they both died without her using any magic (or close to nothing).

Now we know that she doesn't make plans a lot on screen. In s2ep3 especially she just let's Luz make the plan but that's because she is her mentor.

In s2ep6 Luz used sleeping needles which is wild magic so no, it's not knowledge coming from Hexside. Also the pickpocketing Luz mentioned.

Teachers don't do the tests instead of students.

She teaches her everything that isn't glyphs. I wouldn't be surprised if she has told stories to Luz about her best "outsmarting everyone in the room" moments.

Now we have seen some of her problem solving on screen. One of which was in ep.18 fight only using her channelled magic trough the staff (im not taking credit for noticing this, have no idea who did though) and used the bridge.

Also if she can telepathically talk to her staff. Owlbert saving Luz was probably her idea.

She had her impact on Raine's rebellion as well, without having magic or turning into a harpy.

"You are not our mom!"

"Wow, we actually helped people this time!"

"Bye, mommy Eda!"

In the back of her head she knows exactly what to do, everytime something happens.

Eda's mental health

Eda's curse and the nightmares it causes. The father incident. The fact that she probably thought Lilith was scared of her.

Lilith's hidden guilt and her taking her father's eye out don't mix well together. I wouldn't be surprised if they barely spoke even if they lived in a house together.

Her losing Raine.

Her faith in the emporer being broken.

She has seen a lot of death, that does impact people.

Season 1

At the beginning of the series she was making a lot of bad choices which don't aline with her experience.

The series starts with her getting caught by Warden Wrath. Instead of just sneaking, they were just walking comfortably in the corridors.

They are kids, one from another dimension, but her... She doesn't know better? And for a paper crown that she can replace by stealing from someone else.

Next episode we are introduced to her morning drink later on confirmed to be for adults only. And that drink didn't get a mention for the rest of the season. In that episode she is also not the most clear-headed. She didn't try to sneak, she didn't use potions. Didn't try to plan.

A list about her being impatient can go on and on.

So when does she think. When she realises it's dangerous (aka when it's right in her face). Literally in the first episode the moment she started doing stuff is when she got caught and spat on the warden's face.

In episode 2 she didn't do that because she didn't know if Luz was alive and had a hard time bottling her feelings. Like if Luz proved to him to be hard to keep tight up he could have killed her, the girl that came back for her and her son yesterday. And she proved to Eda that she is a little dangerous the previous episode with her fireworks.

Eda was rational again, after she was with both King and Luz.

As the series went on though she started to calm down a bit.

Firstly, the fact that she was so focused on fixing her card problem, after Tibbles scammed her, that she trew them away in another dimension.

I was wondering how she overcame it so quickly.

It also shows her knowledge of how to handle this type of problems which brings up a question. How did she learn it?

Secondly let's compare the first half of the season to the second.

1. Everything I already pointed out and was hiding the curse. The stuff that happened in ep.5. Her refusal to be parental in ep.7. Body swapped.

2. She gets scammed again (this time though, how do you expect that someone was digging their own grave). Didn't use a sleeping spell on the slitherbeast immediately instead was just standing there. Got caught by the fun police. Worsened King's stage fright.

In ep.15 because of her ignorance Luz and Amity almost die. Except that is not the full story. She had at this point a lot of faith in Luz and this was her friend's mind.

For Amity it's not that she hated her. Amity actually saved her in ep.12. It's because she wasn't that important for her to realise. "Omg Willow is at the very least extremely mad at her."

It's again a refusal to think, but for a stranger and not really on purpose. It was just a habit of hers.

Episode 18 and 19

At the beginning of the episode. Eda hid the curse, again.

When she learned that Lilith had kidnapped Luz. She didn't try to make a plan. She just revealed herself in all her glory while her magic was disappearing.

Shot the staff in a wall while she was having no idea, what that was supposed to accomplish.

Luz showed up and she finally started thinking.

Afterwards Lilith said we all know what and for the first time Eda's anger was the leader of her choices and Luz almost fell on to the spikes.

So then, for the very least a night, she was stuck in her mind with something, that was chasing her. She woke up to Emporer Baby the B*tch, who was telling her, he was about to go after Luz.

And no she didn't believe in Lilith, but was so overwhelmed. It was insane. So she begged. After some more running, she woke up to Luz in the Comformatoriam.

Next, she was about to get petrified and for awhile this was the calmest things have been since she got caught. Then Lilith shows up (ah yes she existed).

King jumped "She was trying to help!". Wait King was there.

Petrification beam go.

PURE PAIN!

Then she got the idea for all of them to fly away. Lilith shared the curse making the confusion even bigger. Then her magic is gone (that was a thing). She learned that the portal is destroyed. Now she was living with Lilith and might have starved to death with everyone else in the house.

After all of this she not only tried but HAD TO pretend that she was mentally stable, so they could survive this mess.

Season 2A

In episode 1 she told Luz not to go after big bounties and then tried to steal from a coven's ship.

At this point her emotions are the only thing that made decisions while they were also getting hidden. Don't get me wrong she did help and should, especially Luz but it's ALL feelings. She didn't think about consequences, which sometimes are good.

She didn't attack Lilith cause it's just not the time, she's scared from her own anger. Plus she can't really stand being with the roller coaster of emotions, that came with being in one room with her.

This didn't mean she didn't work with her and hadn't listened to the backstory, though.

The episode ends with her and everyone else not being close to dieing. Finally!

So now what? She tried to think about Lilith? Yeah, she probably preferred not to.

Then her glyph almost kills King, but Lilith showed up and helped. This is probably a familiarity she missed. So again she decided not to process it, but it definitely sticks.

She also didn't notice Luz being hurt.

Next episode, we saw Eda taking a shower which means she has healthy coping mechanisms, at least one, self-care and is not yet a workaholic.

Luz's apple blood joke is concerning.

After the events of episode 3. Luz probably told her that Lilith stayed with her and King, instead of just leaving them, get killed by Jean-Luc.

Then Eda still isn't certain where she stands about everything and Lilith just left, with her final act being, giving King mental issues.

Throughout this whole thing her mom was there with her cures/annual accidental attempt to kill her favourite daughter.

In this episode, Eda fell for apple blood signs. Rationality is out of the window.

In ep.6 she decided to help, with students getting palisman. Again not thinking about all the trauma, but finally doing something against her first instinct.

In ep.7 she heard King's "Le-" and refused to fully process, where the heck is he gonna go.

She also punched someone, cause this is gonna work?

Now she has reconnected with Raine having no idea should she even think of a romantic relationship again? And decided to be useful at least for something since she "can't raise kids".

She was helping and being very good at it, but it came from fear of loneliness.

Then she heard that Belos has a plan and just is overwhelmed. What if the kids get hurt, is she powerless?

Oh, look! Raine might be dead!

Next episode she overworked herself.

In between ep.8 and 9 she was trying to scare the beast into transforming. (She is losing her sanity. Literally the previous episode told her not to do that.)

In episode 9 again it's all emotional. She wants to feel better and be stronger, so she told King to blast her (almost blasting Amity), hit fool's blood even though Amity said the lake is further ahead.

Luckily she showed progress too.

She ate voles, which was against how she was feeling.

In ep.10 she was scared of letting Luz in the portal. I'm not saying she wouldn't have before, but I don't think it was easy.

Right now, after s2ep10, I think she isn't the most mentally stable. But she is definitely working on it.