#something so upsetting happened earlier and its hard to talk about because of certain details but liie

[mbat]

i am totally normal and having a totally normal regular day

[oidheadh-con-culainn]

What are the major details that confused you about the Hound blurb? The major one that stood put to me was the "way of the farmer opposed to the sword" thing which felt very...un-Cú Chulainn. Also, if you don't mind expanding further, which details didn't you question/be confused by?

and also for anon:

okay so it is like. 2am so there are not going to be any sources here but i can't sleep so here goes!! i will go through this blurb line by line and give youse my thoughts

In 50 BCE,

reasonable. this is roughly the right time period for when the ulster cycle is set. maybe marginally earlier than i'd place cú chulainn, but i'm talking a few years, nothing to get worked up about.

Morrigan, the goddess of war,

fine. normally i'm wary of pantheonising impulses with regard to irish characters (almost none of them can be identified as a god of anything in particular, it doesn't work like that) but tbh the morrigan is like, the most plausible exception to that, so whatever. normally her name has the definite article attached to it because it's kind of a species term as well but whatevs.

has become restless as a long-lasting peace settles over Ireland.

dubious. closest i can think of to peace being reference in any texts is togail bruidne da derga talking about conaire mor's reign being like, prosperous and peaceful and whatever, and even there you've got díberg (plundering/reaving) which is what eventually fucks him over and starts the otherworldly hell spiral situation. that's roughly the right period here but conaire's doom proves you don't have to do much to nudge peace into war, and connacht and ulster are at each other's throats for years before cú chulainn comes on the scene anyway

Deciding the time of peace must end, she chooses Setanta, the nephew of the king of the north, to become her ward.

hmm. i mean. like, this isn't the WEIRDEST choice they could have made. it's still completely made-up, don't get me wrong -- cú chulainn has a lot of different foster parents in different texts and they don't agree with each other but none of them ever mentions the morrígan. but like, they do have a connection of some sort, as evidenced by their conversations. and there's that one moment in the r1 boyhood deeds where little cú chulainn is out on the battlefield and hears her (not sure which name is used here) calling out to him and it like. motivates him to do some deeds or whatever, and i guess you could extrapolate that into some kind of teaching capacity.

so like. could be weirder. if you're gonna pick anyone, you could do worse. still seems weird to me! but not on its own a major issue, i could get past this and consider it a Fun But Unorthodox Creative Decision

(the fact that she tries to seduce him in the táin probably wouldn't get in the way of this considering sleeping with his teachers/foster-mothers is far from unheard of where cú chulainn is concerned)

After a young Setanta slays the demon-hound of Cullan, he becomes known as Cú Cullan—The Hound of Cullan.

weird spelling choices, they could have at least bothered to use the genitive properly. also the hound isn't a demon, it's a ferocious watchdog -- making it sound all Otherworldly and Hellish like this kinda confuses the issue of why he would need to take its place. he needs to take its place because the cattle and people still need protecting because it is a watchdog!! but whatevs, again, it's a brief summary so they can't exactly give us all the details and this is not actively objectionable

As Cú Cullan grows older, it is apparent that an extraordinary power lies within him … and a great darkness.

ugh boring. this makes it sound like he's going to be ~tortured~ and angsty about it. give me an unapologetic murder teen please. is the ríastrad dark? sure i guess, if you're going to be boring about it. it's more like, grotesque neon in my head

When he chooses the quiet life of a farmer over the sword,

this would fucking never happen on like five different levels. obviously like anyone who has ever read anything about cú chulainn can see that this is not in his nature. he is never going to choose a quiet life. this is the kid who tricked his way into taking arms before everyone thought he was ready. also juxtaposed with the "darkness" comment makes it sound like he would Angst his way into this quiet life which. again. have you seen this kid. he is an unapologetic murder teen

the only thing i can think of that might make him temporarily want to walk away is connla's death which... depends where you position that in the timeline really, he does seem a bit fucked up by it and maybe he'd want a holiday although i can see that lasting precisely 5 minutes before someone pissed him off enough for him to murder them. but if he's being raised by the morrígan i can't see him going to train with scáthach so then he'd never meet aífe and therefore connla would never be born so that wouldn't happen. so like. whatever.

but also like. he would not become a farmer. he just wouldn't! it doesn't work! the ireland of the stories is super hierarchical, right? and this blurb has already fucking told us that he's the king's nephew (canon) so we can tell that being a farmer is Not His Place. when we see upper class figures becoming menial labourers in texts, like in cath maige tuired, it's because Things Are Fucked, Shit's Gone Wrong. people don't just decide to change their entire social class on a whim lmfao

if cú chulainn really wanted to turn his back on being a warrior he could probably make recourse to certain other Suitable Professions ... his grandad's a druid so he might have a route into that, though his dad's not so that might fuck things up a bit bc it's one of those things that's usually inherited. he does give "wisdom" in at least one text though and we also know he can write (he carves riddles in ogham in the táin) and he composes verses on various occasions so idk, maybe something in a poetic direction, though again, usually requires two generations of inheritance to be a real poet and not just a lower-class bard. warrior's kinda the main thing he's got open to him tbh. but farming? i'm not a legal expert but as far as i'm aware based on what i have read, that would fuck shit up

more likely an upset cú chulainn would just go off in search of an adventure somewhere conveniently far away until he'd calmed down (alba, or the tyrrhenian sea, or -- if we're going to get early modern about it -- somewhere like india, which frequently gets thrown into the texts with absolutely no cultural context and it's always hilarious)

Morrigan, angry at the betrayal,

of the entire social order, yes,

instigates an invasion of his homeland

i mean. if they intend this to be the táin then.... táin bó regamna does kinda make the morrígan responsible for it? not in the sense of triggering the pillow talk argument that it's in the book of leinster -- it's her getting up to her usual cow-nicking behaviours for shits and giggles. [note to readers: it is probably for more than shits and giggles but did i mention it's 2am]

but all in all, not particularly out of character that she would be at least some way responsible for this so i can vibe with this. echtra nerai also supports the TBR explanation with her fucking around with otherworldly cows and pissing people off so, yeah, whatever. the morrígan engineered this. sure.

and Cú Cullan must challenge fate itself

this is probably a controversial stance but fate feels like a difficult concept to apply to medieval irish texts. like are people sometimes Doomed? yes. there are prophecies, there are gessi, there's all manner of otherworldly fuckery that can trip you up. is that the same thing as fate? no idea. considering cú chulainn comes out alive from the táin though and his doom prophecies don't catch up to him for like, at least another decade, maybe 16 years depending on who you listen to, hard to see how that would apply here

to keep the goddess at bay.

again like she IS causing fuckery in the táin but also it's like... one time. really not the main character. but she or maybe just some crows, hard to say, do get implicated in the death tale so maybe they're doing what people often do and conflating the two? even though there's like 10-16 years in between them?

anyway as you can see i don’t think it’s wholly terrible / i’m not completely thinkshaming it. like, having cú chulainn raised by the morrígan is unorthodox but it could be a fun and creative direction so i don't object to it. making cú chulainn get sad about murder and choose to be a farmer is just fucking laughable tho, and makes me doubt their characterisations in general. so that's offputting and would probably make me think twice about buying it, if that had ever been on the cards.*

and of course sure, their cú chulainn can be a Sad Boy Who Likes Sheep, but that means he's not the cú chulainn of medieval irish lit / irish myth, because that cú chulainn is a feral murder teen who keeps killing his friends and also is way too high social status to ever be a farmer, and whose only relationship to livestock is as the watchdog who kills anyone trying to harm them (which is an important role on a farm! but like. not the same thing as Being A Farmer. mostly because it involves more murder and is essentially just an extension of his role as a warrior. or rather the other way around. he promises to protect mag muirthemne as a watchdog and this like. gets extended into him becoming its sole defender)

this has been my analysis of this blurb i hope you enjoyed it

it's now 2.30am i should try and sleep now that i've exorcised a few thoughts from my head

*as i mentioned in the tags of my other post, i don't tend to read graphic novels due to disability stuff. they're much harder for me to understand and follow than prose, to the point where some are incomprehensible, so i don't really enjoy them. there are a few i've read, but they tend to be short ones, and i'm usually not reading them in order, just admiring the art separately from the text. so it's unlikely i would read a graphic novel of this size anyway.

[all1e23]

Between the Stars [Pt.8]

Pairings:  Past!Steve x Reader, Bucky x  Reader

Series warnings: CHARACTER DEATH. Grief. Overall sadness. Depression. It’s pretty angsty if I’m being honest. Things mellow out as the series goes on. TW: Military/Spouse death.

A/N: **TW: A certain death is finally explained in this chapter. It is the second half of the chapter. It’s not in crazy detail but there is some important plot stuff mixed in.  I decided to post despite someone stealing my work. 😤 Thanks to my beautiful beta @moonbeambucky​​​​ for looking this chapter over for me. Enjoy the sad I guess. If you like it write me a book report, sing me a song or come scream at me.

***My fics are not to be saved or posted on any other sites without my written permission. Reblogs are my jam, though! Thanks!****

Stepping away from music for those ten months turned out to be the best thing you could have done for yourself and your career. Without the small reprieve, you doubted you would have found your way back to teaching, and you loved teaching. Not that it had been intended as a break at the time you walked away. You had every intention of never looking at another sheet of music again, but then Bucky came home and things became more complicated and somehow easier. You doubted that he knew what he was doing, and why should he? It wasn’t as if he had planned on coming home to pick up all your broken pieces so he could help put you back together. He did -- whether he realized it or not -- help you get some of your old life back. The bit that you could take with you into this new one. You even called a few of your former students and asked their parents if they were interested in picking up their lessons. Most said they would love to pick up where you left off, and a few said they found someone new in your absence. You couldn’t blame them. The world had continued while you chose to stand still.

Bucky must have noticed a difference because he told you he liked how pretty you looked when you were smiling. 

Lessons started with the school year, and fall was here before you could blink. You were surprised to find you weren’t dreading the holidays as much as you thought. It would be the first holiday season since you got the call and you had expected it to feel like the rest -- hollow and grim. Along with Easter and Memorial Day, you had skipped celebrating Steve’s birthday. There was a small cake you shared with Bucky, three bites in, and you couldn’t force any more falsities down. You spent the rest of the night in your room. It was one of the rare nights you hadn’t slept next to Bucky since he had been home. You needed the night to yourself, and he understood that. By morning, your wedding ring had found its way from your ring finger to a chain that Steve had given you years ago. It felt strange at first. From the moment Steve slipped it on your finger, it rarely left your skin, and when you did, it always felt like there was a piece of you missing. That feeling didn’t show up this time, but you imagined there weren’t many more pieces of you that could go missing. You didn’t want to make it a big deal, so you kept it tucked inside your shirt. Of course, Bucky noticed the absence right away. He never questioned it. 

It was a step forward (or maybe backward you weren’t sure some days). They were small, slow steps taken, but at least you were moving.  

You’re not sure when it happened, but one morning you woke up and everything didn’t hurt as bad, you guessed it started right around the time Bucky came home. While moving forward was necessary (as everyone continued to remind you), there were days when it felt like a betrayal. You are moving on, and Steve can’t come with you. A little guilt blackens your heart every time you smile on those days; so you falter and take those arduous steps back. It lessens with every laugh and smile Bucky draws out of you, but it’s there under it all, and there’s the fear too. You’re afraid if you move on and keep up with the rest of the world you will forget. You will forget everything you and Steve had, and it will be as if you were never anything at all. Bucky shook his head when you confessed that to him late one night with your forehead pressed firmly against his shoulder, fighting your sleep and the nightmares you were sure would follow. 

“You’re holding on to the past, Y/n. You gotta let it go. I’m not sayin’ you have to stop lovin’ him, but you gotta let go of the part of Steve that’s keeping you from moving on and being happy. Or it’s going to continue to tear at you until there’s nothing left.” 

“And if I forget him?” 

“You won’t, Trouble. You can’t forget a love like that. Trust me, I know.”

Bucky didn’t elaborate, and you didn’t dare ask. He’s never mentioned anything about falling in love in all the years you’ve known him. You’ve never seen him hold onto a woman for longer than a month and the idea of Bucky being in love, holding on to that love all these years without ever getting to know it turns your stomach inside out and shades your heart a bitter green. You’d rather not dwell on those feelings long enough to understand them. 

Neither of you spoke about it again, and you were thankful. You didn’t think you could handle discussing Bucky’s long lost love when you could barely pick out an outfit. You’ve been staring at your clothes for an hour now, and everything either looked awful or felt wrong. Maybe you needed to buy new clothes and start from scratch. Every piece you owned had a memory stitched into the fabric, and you didn’t need to be reminded of things you would never have again. Bucky pulled a grey flannel out of his closet, and you reached across the bed, yanking it right out of his hand to slip over your head. That would have to work for today. Bucky rolled his eyes and turned back to the closet to grab a blue Henley for himself. 

You always did like the way he looked blue. 

“I can go see Sam so you can have some time alone with Tasha and Wanda.” 

You didn’t say anything. Just gave a simple nod of the head, refusing to look up from the pile of clothes on the bed that now needed to be put away. You could leave it. The girls would be here any minute, and with Bucky gone, you could deal with it then. Bucky reached out to wrap his fingers around your wrist and gave a gentle tug, forcing your gaze to follow the motion up to meet his eyes. He ran his thumb over the soft thumping in your wrist and stared at you for a while as if he was working something out. 

“Or,” Bucky suggested gently. “I can stay right here and work on my bike.” 

Your lips curled up in a small smile despite your brain’s wish to keep them in a permanent frown. 

“Okay,” You agreed with an easy smile. You slipped your wrist out of Bucky’s loose hold and made your way towards the door, stopping before you crossed the threshold and looked back at him with a deep frown replacing the pretty smile you were wearing only a second ago. 

“You don’t have to babysit me, y’ know?” 

Bucky’s laughter was followed by an exasperated groan. Of course, that was why you were upset. 

“Yeah, I know. You’re just fine on your own.” 

There was no fighting the grin Bucky’s words caused. “Yes, I am. But… you can hang around if you want to.” 

“I’ve meant to clean up my girl anyway. I’ll hang around today, Trouble.” 

Bucky assurance made your heart rest a little easier and maybe his too because he looked relieved when you nodded. The doorbell broke your silence and forced you to leave his side; you barely made it to the top of the stairs when you heard Bucky mutter, “Pain in my ass.” There was a fondness in his voice that made your heart leap. 

Even though you were back to teaching you made sure not to overwhelm yourself; Tuesdays and Thursdays you worked late into the evening. It was nice to have something to look forward to, and Bucky always had something to eat ready when your last student left around 8:30. That was nice too. 

Natasha had called earlier in the week wanting to come over Thursday night, and you had to explain that you went back to work. There was silence on the other end of the line, and silence was never good with Natasha. She was probably mad you didn’t tell her and that you were keeping things that important hidden, but it wasn’t something you wanted to advertise. Besides, Friday was as good a day as any to have the girls over. No one had to work the next day and took some of the pressure off. Everything felt normal when Natasha and Wanda arrived; you shared a hug or two. Okay, three. Wanda liked to hug, and she showed you the muffins she baked while Natasha held up a bottle of something that looked as if it could melt the glass it came in. You didn’t know what you expected. You hadn’t thought you would feel so excited to see them. Not because you didn’t love them, but having excitement around anyone but Bucky has been rare these last few months.  

Sometimes the unexpected was good. 

You chose to sit on the window bench that happened to overlook the side yard where Bucky had his black and chrome bike parked and was sitting on an old milk crate hard at work. That didn’t go unnoticed by Natasha. Not that anything ever does. 

“So are you two living together now?” 

You slowly draw your gaze up from the wine glass in your hand to look at Natasha and Wanda, who was skillfully avoiding your eyes as she blew on her tea for far longer than necessary.  

“Yes. Is that a problem? It’s not like we talked about it or anything. It just sort of happened.” 

Natasha shrugged in answer to your question and waited for you to go on. She wanted more of an explanation, so you rolled your eyes and explained why Bucky was staying with you. 

“He didn’t have anywhere to go when he came home.” 

Natasha smirked at the suggestion that Bucky would have been homeless if he hadn’t come to live with you, and you knew right away what you said had been a mistake. “Besides his mom’s, right? She lives twenty minutes from here. What about Sam’s? Or at my place with Clint and I? And I’m a hundred percent certain Sarah Rogers would have taken him in if everyone else in his life let him down for some unknown reason.”  

You turned to look back out the window right as Bucky looked up, catching his eye, and you felt the panic in your chest lessen. Bucky gave you that pretty smile and scrunched his nose at you before going back to work. You fought to keep your smile small and lost the battle before it even got started. Wanda’s voice pulled you back into the living room; it was gentle as if she was trying to offset Natasha. 

“I think what Nat was trying to ask is if you are planning on staying here together, or is he going to get his own place eventually?” 

“We haven’t talked about it. I suppose he will at some point, though...” 

You frowned at the thought. Why did that bother you so much? 

“He doesn’t have to do anything, you know?” Wanda added at the sight of your upset. “He might want to stay here.” 

“Maybe, but he has to move on eventually,” you added, dread filling your voice from the mere thought of Bucky leaving you. “He can’t stay here just to keep me from falling apart for the rest of this life.” 

They were right. Bucky will eventually want to get back to his life. He can’t babysit you forever.  There was going to come a time when he will want to date, fall in love, and get married. Maybe even have kids. Do all the things that you were supposed to do with Steve. The thought of Bucky leaving you to have that life with someone else made you sick, and you know it’s selfish. It’s unfair to expect him to stay there with you because you don’t want to lose him to someone else. 

“How are you doing?” Natasha sounded a little softer this time, sensing your unease. “Are you sleeping?”  

“Yeah, I started sleeping in Bucky’s room with him. It seemed to help.” 

They stayed quiet but shared a look. You weren’t fond of whatever that was.

“What?”

“It’s nothing.” Wanda rushed out far too quickly, but Natasha was quick to cut in, and by her tone, you could tell she’s been feeling this way for a while. “I’m just wondering how long you are going to keep punishing yourself?” 

Natasha stared at you and Wanda swore under her breath. They talked about this before coming over. That was clear by the glare Wanda was settling Natasha with. You briefly wondered how often your friends discuss you like that. More often than you approved of, you were sure. 

“I’m not punishing myself. I’m allowed to be sad. My husband died--”

“You’re right. You are allowed to be sad. Just like you’re allowed to find new things that make you happy and start putting your life back together.” 

“I’m fine, Nat. I don’t need anything new. I have our house and my music--” 

“And, Bucky?”

While she was right, you did have Bucky, in a sense. Bucky wasn’t new. You had a feeling what she was suggesting would be very new and not a notion you wanted to entertain.

“Natasha--” 

“It’s okay to be happy again, Y/n. It’s okay to let your heart get put back together and heal. It doesn’t cheapen what you had with Steve. It doesn’t mean you didn’t love him, and it doesn’t mean you are betraying him. You aren’t doing anything wrong by letting yourself find happiness again. Even if that happiness is found with Bucky.” 

You had a feeling what Natasha was hinting at, but hearing it outright like that made you a little queasy. Did people, your friends, talk about you and Bucky like this? Is that what everyone was worried about, who would get you next?  

“What are you talking about?” 

“Don’t act stupid Y/n. You’re a lot of things, but stupid isn’t one of them.” 

“He’s been my best friend since I was thirteen. It’s not-- It’s never been--” You took a deep breath and told them both, firmly. “He’s my best friend.”  

Wanda pinched Natasha’s thigh and grabbed your hands from where she sat on the floor between you and Natasha. “All Nat is trying to say is if you wanted to find happiness again... with Bucky or anyone for that matter, it’s okay. You’re not doing anything wrong by moving on.” 

“It’s been nearly a year since you lost Steve. It’s time to start picking up the pieces, Y/n. With Bucky or without. You can’t stay stuck in this in-between, and you can’t go back.”

You turned your gaze back out the window to catch Bucky staring at you. He quickly looked back at his bike and fiddled with the wrench in his hand. It reminded you of all those days he would hide you in Shop class so you could skip Geometry with Mr. Coulson. The memory makes you grin. The girls might be half right. Maybe you couldn’t go back, but that didn’t mean you wanted to let it go completely.

----

Three hours after Natasha and Wanda left, you found yourself wandering around the house with what you thought was purposeless. It started in the kitchen, and you slowly made your way through your home, somehow ending up in the doorway to Bucky’s room. Your heart must have told your feet where to go and left your brain in the dark. His hair was still wet from a fairly recent shower. The ends were darker than the rest and shiny from being wet. It wasn’t long enough to tuck behind his ears, but it was long enough that he could slick it back. His beard had become relatively thick due to his laziness these last few months. To be fair, most of his attention has been on you. When he mentioned trimming it a few weeks ago, you wrinkled your nose at the thought, and at the time, he had laughed. 

He never did trim it after that. 

Bucky glanced up at you, hovering at the threshold to his room, and he smiled, crooking his finger for you to come in. You pushed off the doorframe and made your way over to where he was resting on the end of the bed, wet towel lying on the bed next to him. You wanted to tell him it was getting your side of the bed all wet, but you thought better of it. 

It’s not your bed, after all. You have your own you should probably start to sleep in and let Bucky get back to living his own life. 

“Have a good time?” Bucky asked. There was a softness in his voice he saved for you and you alone. 

You shrugged.

“Tasha called me stupid on the way out. Got any idea what that is about? Should I be scared?” 

You grinned and brushed a fallen strand of hair back to lay with the rest. “I don’t know, but being scared is always a safe bet when Nat is involved. How’s the bike? It looked like you got a lot done.” 

“She’s good. Just cleaned her up a bit and changed the oil. You know, I like fiddling with her a bit, and she’s been sitting at my mom’s collecting dust.” 

You cupped his cheek and gently rubbed his cheekbone with your thumb. He nuzzled your palm right away, eyes falling closed, and he seemed to relax a fraction. There was tension in his shoulders you hadn’t noticed before, a darkness that has never lingered in his eyes this long, and his smile never quite reached his eyes anymore. He’s spent all this time taking care of you, and you never once noticed how badly he was struggling. 

He was lost just like you. 

“Hey.”

Bucky looked up at the sound of your voice and quickly pulled away from your touch as if he remembered he shouldn’t be doing that. You slowly drew your hand back, letting them drop to your side and choosing to sit next to him instead. 

“Wanna talk?” 

“‘Bout what?”

He looked dejected, troubled. A little scared, too. 

“What’s been weighing on your heart.” Bucky dropped his gaze, his tell for waiting to drop the subject, but you pushed a little more. “I didn’t see it before. I was too wrapped up in my shit, but I can see it now. The guilt and the hurt.”

If he honestly couldn’t talk, or didn’t want to, you would drop it. 

“Y/n, you don’t want to hear about that.” 

So it was about Steve’s death then. You had a feeling. 

“If I couldn’t handle it, I wouldn’t have asked. I need to hear it, Bucky, and I think you need to talk about it as well.” 

It took a long time before Bucky made any movements at all. He shifted further away from you, tossing the towel onto the desk chair and turned to face you. You mirrored his position tucking one leg under you on the bed and letting the other hang off the edge. He was still quiet, gathering his thoughts and a little courage, too. You nudged his barefoot with yours and he gave you a small smile.

“Steve was… He was walking in front of me. Like he always does-- like he did, and Sam was on our left.” Bucky licked his lips, tossing words around his head to find the right ones. This was harder than he thought it would be. 

“I wasn’t paying attention. I should have been. That’s my damn job. I was too busy staring at the damn…” Bucky stopped short, and the look of guilt he gave you said he feared you already knew his crimes and found him deserving of judgment. 

“At what, Bucky?” 

Bucky dropped his eyes and shook his head. 

“You’ll hate me.” 

“Bucky… I could never hate you. Nothing you could do would make me hate you.” 

Bucky closed his eyes, squeezed them shut really. He didn’t want to see your face when he said what he had to say next. “I was staring at your scarf. It was sticking out of his collar, poking up right out of the back of his BDU’s and all I could think about was you, and how I could never have-- I was distracted.”

He reached up and wiped the tears from his eyes with the palm of his hand. You had to stop yourself from reaching out and pulling him close. Bucky needed to get this off his chest and you needed to hear it. 

“Next thing I knew, there was a shot fired and then about ten after that. Maybe more. I don’t know. Steve was down, and at first, I thought he dropped to take cover, but my damn ears were ringing, and shots were flying everywhere. I tried to yell out, but I couldn’t hear my voice over the noise. Sam was trying to drag me away, but I couldn’t leave him lying there…” 

Bucky’s words became stuttered and choked. You could follow along, but you had to piece together the holes Bucky couldn’t fill. He explained how Steve had taken the bullet for him, how he had been distracted and didn’t see it in time. Bucky told you that he had pulled Steve undercover, and Steve had begged for Bucky to take care of you for him. Bucky left out the reason Behind Steve’s choices that day. You didn’t need to know that when Bucky asked why he did that, Steve told him with that stupid lopsided smile, “You’re my best friend, Buck and Y/n... S-she can go on without me. She can’t live without you though.” 

You wiped your tears away with shaking fingers. Bucky blamed himself for Steve’s choices and you couldn’t let him go on thinking he was at fault for something he had no control over. Scarf or not. 

“It’s not your fault.” 

“Yn...” 

“No, Bucky. It wasn’t your fault. If it had been the other way around, you would have jumped in front of him. We both know you would have.” 

“But if I was--” 

“It’s not. Your fault, Bucky.”  

You crawled into his lap and pulled his head to your chest. Bucky tightened his arms around your waist, clutching at the thick fabric of his shirt still clinging to your skin. “I don’t blame you, and I know Steve wouldn’t,” You cooed softly in his ear. ”He would do it a hundred times over, and I know you would do the same for h-him.” 

Bucky tucked his nose into your neck and took a shaky inhale. The two of you sat like that as the glow of the room slowly faded from orange to dark blue. Bucky’s quiet sobs had settled into barely-there sniffs along with your own. There was a new heaviness resting on your chest, but despite the pain that came with knowing the truth, it gave you a tiny bit of closure. He never said if he believed you or accepted your forgiveness. You prayed he did. You hoped now he would be able to forgive himself, too.

“Bucky?” 

There a beat of silence. Bucky rubbed his beard against your neck making you shiver. You could feel a faint smile on your skin when he finally spoke. 

“Yeah?” 

Bucky slowly lifted his head, so the two of you were sitting nose to nose now, you were so close that when you whispered he could feel your breath against his lips, “I’m glad you came home… to me.” 

Maybe now, you could both heal and move on to something new. 

“Me too, Trouble. Me too.”

Previous // Next

[jazinerambles]

Persona 2 Innocent Sin Review

I wanted to have some time in between playing the game and writing my thoughts for Persona 2 Innocent Sin. I will be referencing it and other Persona games so there may be some light spoilers for games 2-5. 

I played the psp version of the game on a Playstation TV. I beat the game at 76 hours on the dot. I have not completed most of the theater missions, but I have completed the main story of the game and did do a few sidequests.

My review will be organized in several sections-gameplay, story, music, characters, LGBTQ representation, extra content, wishlist and recommendation.

Gameplay:

Persona 2 Innocent Sin was released in 1999. Therefore plays as a game from 1999. The PSP rerelease updated menus, changed the difficulty, and added all out attack art similar to P3-P5 for the fusion spells. I love the all out attack animation and although the menus got a little cumbersome, it didn’t really impact gameplay for me. 

The biggest complaint about Persona 2 IS is how easy and repetitive it is and the high encounter rate. The battles for the most part are easy and if you set up all your attacks in the first round, you can basically use autoplay until an emergency occurs or you encounter an enemy in which you must change it up. 

I never saw the gameplay as repetitive as others do and I feel those who do only just battle and that’s it. I was constantly trying to get all the fusion spells, max up my personas to trade them for items, try different combinations for the demon negotiations and spread demon rumors to get items, spells, and cards (you need cards to summon new personas in the velvet room.) Demon negotiations also allow you a better look into each of the characters’ personalities and relationships. Events in the game will change how the characters react in these negotiations so it is always nice to go back to them throughout the course of the game. 

The demons you encounter have emotions. I believe they are intrigued, happy, angry and fearsome. Make them happy and they will offer a pact with you and give you free stuff and willing to spread rumors for you. Make them angry they will fight you. Make them fear you they will run away. Make them intrigued and you get the cards needed to summon personas and even more if you already have a pact with them. 

I wanted to return to the big complaint though, the high encounter rate. This was something that I felt hot and cold about. Most of the time this didn’t bother me, because I needed to level up my personas anyway. But when I needed to backtrack and explore further, it did get a little bothersome. 

You can use estoma to avoid enemies weaker than you. It is not a passive skill, so once you have a persona that has it, you have to cast it every time it wears off. At the Mu casino, you can also purchase a disguise kit that does the same thing, but it effects last about the same amount of time and it is ridiculously expensive. Just use estoma. 

As briefly mentioned above, unlike Persona 5 in which you can just catch Personas, in P2IS there are only two ways to get them. You get cards from demon negations, take those cards to the velvet room and then trade them in for a Persona. But you have to enough cards to summon it and the persona has to be 5 cards within your character level. 

You can also talk to the demon painter, for him to make you cards for the specific arcana you want by using blank cards. These are also given through demon negotiations that you have a pact with. 

In P2, ALL your characters are capable of changing out Personas, but their compatibility with different personas varies with their Arcana. 

The other way to get personas is through the story. There are certain actions that you must take to get the prime personas and then the final personas. These personas are character specific and you can’t give them to other characters. 

I wanted to talk about three more things before I move on to the story: rumormongers, fusion spells, and dungeons. 

Persona 2IS is based around rumors. Just like P3 is for the dark hour, P4 the midnight channel, P5 around palaces and so on...

To get certain items and progress the story, you MUST gather and spread rumors. There are five characters throughout the game called rumormongers. They will give you information in exchange for receiving information. You then share this information to the detective agency, pay a fee for them to spread them for you, and there you go. rumor spread. As mentioned earlier, there are also demon specific rumors. 

Fusion spells were something I really enjoyed in this game. Although hearing “Are you ready? Here goes” and “Let’s go everybody” will be stuck in my head for the rest of eternity...

Basically, to create a fusion spell, members in your party require a requisite spell and then that party member is placed in a specific order when taking turns. Once that spell is unlocked, it will let you know if you have the requisite spells and you no longer have to adjust the order of party members. Some of the spells you need to unlock fusion spells are persona specific. The fusion spells are elemental. 

I will not go into weaknesses of elemental spells, I am just going to say that you aren’t “down”’ed like you are in 3-5. 

Finally, my first real pet peeve with this game-the dungeons.

Oh boy. Air raid, AeroSpace and one of the four Zodiac dungeons (I am pretty sure its Eikichi’s) gets ALL my hate. There are cheap gimmicks that make the game artificially hard but only for these dungeons and more so, frustrating. 

But I am not going to go into detail why, and the other dungeons are not bad at all. But play the game and experience these dungeons for yourself. That is all I am going to say about that.

Story:

This section will be nowhere was long as gameplay. The story did not go where I thought it would, but that’s a good thing. I would go in completely blind if you can. The ending definitely surprised me a bit. I think it has one of the best stories of the persona games.

It does not follow a calendar like the later Persona games and time just blends together. By the end of the game, you won't know if a day, week or month passed from the beginning to the end.

Music:

The music is actually really good. It is the reason why I played the game in the first place. Just don’t look at the soundtracks names. Spotify has it available if you live in the US. You are better off listening to the soundtrack because I promise you that most dungeons songs will be cut off due to the frequency of battles. 

Some of my favorite songs are Smile Hirasaka, Unbreakable Tie, Kurosu’s theme, Joker and the Taurus dungeon’s theme.

Characters:

Despite Persona 2 not having social links, I feel like I know these characters better than some of the persona games that do have social links. It is also the only Persona game that I can say without any hesitation that I like the entire main cast. 

I truly love them all, but my favorite would probably be Yukino or Maya. 

Unlike other Personas, the dynamics for Persona 2 IS are different, because not all of your party members are high school students. The adult characters have adult problems, the high school students have high school problems, and all of them have deep psychological problems and abandonment issues that will take years of intense therapy (or Philemeon) to forget.

One of the biggest themes of Persona 2 is confronting your past and learning from the mistakes of your childhood. And the characters do! And by the end of the game you are so proud of how far they have come. And then things happen...

LGBTQ representation

Let me say that I started P2IS off on the wrong foot, but I am still absolutely justified at being upset by it. One of the very first interactions you can have with a NPC is through a very uncomfortable exchange between you, Eikichi and a transman that is pretty transphobic. And to add the icing on the cake, Atlus refers to him as a “weird woman.” 

I was literally going to just stop playing the game like an hour in because of that, but I decided to continue.

What I discovered was a game that has highs and lows when it comes to LGBTQ representation. 

You can play as a bi character who can confess his feelings to men and women. *Stares hard at Persona 4 and Persona 5*

You have a gay character that has an interesting story, character development, is unabashedly gay and isn’t a walking stereotype. Nor is his entire arc centered around gay panic. 

From what I understand the dialogue from the NPC does get better, but I am not holding my breath. 

And the one sapphic kiss scene we get in a Persona game is a kiss of manipulation and not love. So that is a little sad. 

But overall, P2IS does try to make an effort. And it definitely makes a better effort than its successor released almost 2 decades later.

Extra content:

Again, Persona 2 doesn’t have social links or a calendar. Please don’t approach it like the other games where you have to fill up your time between dungeons. It is not a necessity, but there are things you can do. 

Mu is a casino that you can visit that allows you to play mini games to gain coins that you can use to get weapons, rare items, and even unlock personas. I spent a little too much time at Mu....

You can also talk to NPCs to do side missions. Be careful though. You have to do the side missions in a given amount of time or you may not get rewarded for it. Also P2IS is very much like Final Fantasy 9 where it is much better to go to a place sooner than later, because there may not be a later...

You also have the factory which is an optional dungeon that opens up more and more as you progress through the game. 

There is the theater which is a PSP exclusive which has side missions unrelated to the main story that you can play. They are okay.

Wishlist

I hear so many people wanting a remake of P2IS so the game can be more accessible. I am very torn about this. Besides the difficulty and maaybe tweaking the encounter rate a bit, I wouldn’t change a thing. However, I also know that I couldn’t enjoy Shadow of Colossus until the controls were updated. Like I tried and then just gave up. 

I honestly don’t want a remake. I don’t trust the Atlus of today with this game.

I do want it to be acknowledged and more accessible though. 

But if I had to make a wish list, this is what it would be. Again, this would be a “it would be nice list.”

Make the battles harder.

Update cut scenes? I really like the art for the cut scenes already, but would like some more. Maybe keep the drawings but update the CG?

Social side quests. I do not want social links in Persona 2. However, side quests that allow you to learn more about your character like a social link would, would be something I would be very interested in. 

Make the portraits consistent. The art from the original game and the new art put in the PSP game (I am talking about you climax lady) clash so much. Pick one style and stick to it.

I want to fight Ms. Ideal. Let me do it for reasons. Give me a chance to battle her.

I want the option to switch out characters. I love both Jun and Yukki, but I want to be able to play with both. 

Let me skip the animation when I create a new Persona. 

*EDIT*  I can’t believe I forgot this and feel awful I did, but I do think they should keep the trans NPC, but change the dialogue and the the name. It isn’t the NPC that is the problem but the dialogue and actions. Otherwise, I think it would be ok. 

I think that’s it.

Recommendation:

So should you play Persona 2 IS? Short answer, yes. Long answer is that it is complicated. In a few months the game will no longer be accessible for psp consoles. The physical version of the game is ridiculously expensive. You will have to accept the fact this game is on psp and its sequel’s psp version never came to English speaking markets.

You may not like the graphics, gameplay, or that it doesn’t feel like the later persona games. And as much as I love this game, that is alright. You do you. But I truly do think you are missing out on a great game. So if you have the opportunity to do so, yeah absolutely give it a shot. 

[readingaccountability]

snow crash - neal stephenson

my playlist (because of The Way That I Am)

final thoughts:

okay, im going to be honest right out of the gate- i cant decide whether this is a book id recommend or not. it was really fun for the most part, but personally there was a lot more exposition than id like. the early portions of the novel have exposition which feels completely fair, mostly things relating to worldbuilding. stephenson creates his own vision of future america, and some places online referred to it as cyberpunk, and some as post-cyberpunk. id be more in the latter camp, mostly due to the way he plays with tropes, leaving the reader unsure of which will be subverted and which wont.

the use of language was really fun, and i enjoyed the worldbuilding a lot. his vision of a futuristic capitalistic earth feels surreal in its immediacy and recognizability. the back jacket blurb ends with "a future america so bizarre, so outrageous, you'll recognize it immediately." which, yeah. a texan info-tech magnate? two competing corporations owning the highway system? suburban city-states? this was another enjoyable thing- everything was colorfully named, and names treated totally normally, which kind of poked fun at how we have everyday things named very ludicrously and for the most part we are totally blind to it.

one aspect i really enjoyed was that the author often doesn't make certain things clear to the audience, until he does, and then it becomes necessary to reassess the entire story and setting. this goes to underscore the theme of the importance of information and the ways we take it in and perceive the world based upon it. for example, we don't learn that y.t. is fifteen until maybe 75 pages in, at which point a lot makes sense in retrospect. the same thing occurs in the worldbuilding, as suddenly a detail is given in passing and the reader must incorporate it into the setting, which by default we assume to be similar in many ways to our idea of america. it keeps the reader on their toes as well as furthering the worldbuilding. for the most part, the tech stuff didnt feel outdated to me, despite being a future projected out from '92.

however, aspects of the book are definitely very 1992. id put these into two camps: the first, being that the book does at different times use slurs. the main character is black and asian, the n word is used a few times by racist side-character/antagonist types, as are a few other racial slurs. there was also the occasional usage of the r slur, within the narrative prose itself, rather than usage as an insult within dialogue.

the protagonist, who is named, unfortunately, hiro protagonist, is a great character and felt very fleshed out to me, though at times he reminded me more of dirk strider than normally would be ideal. (its obvious that stephenson and andrew hussie are of a similar type of writer, and play with similar tropes, lmao.) hiro is a man of many worlds. he seems to shift between them easily, though never fully existing in any of them. this is reflected in his background, both in his biracial identity and in having been raised on a myriad of army bases. this is layered further in his fluidity in interacting with both reality and the metaverse, yet remaining slightly, consistently aloof. fascinatingly the first moment i sensed this drop was when we meet juanita- aka where his real and meta realities coincide. the description of them as the adam and eve of the metaverse is both insanely romantic and thematically key (good god i wish we had more than like, two conversations between them). juanita designed the facial component to metaverse avatars, doing the majority of this work when the two were together, and hiro can see echoes of both their facial tics in the face of every avatar in the metaverse. in a way, by having done this work juanita is positioned by the narrative as one of the gods of this digital realm. she is also hiro's call to action, being aware of the coming trouble and alerting him to it, as well as connecting him to the informational database he needs to prepare.

y.t., the secondary protagonist, fucking ruled. i loved that she was just a fifteen year old punkass kid whose mom doesnt know how crazy this part time job is. y.t. being worried about her mom was a great thread throughout, and a really good balance to how obviously independent y.t. is. i do wish there had been a chance to explain more about her background (she has a dad who left who is mentioned in a throwaway sentence, and a boyfriend who is mentioned near the beginning but never again.) i really enjoyed how obviously hyperaware y.t. was at all times about her own place within the insanities of the setting, while also consistently writing her as a teen maybe in way too deep who thinks about things in typically teenage ways. but like, that wasn't ever held against her? the narrative meets her where she is. it was honestly awesome. HOWEVER,

i absolutely hated the raven and y.t. scenes. how creepy!!! he basically statutory rapes her!!! we know hes at least late 20s early 30s, because hes the same age as hiro. if this sort of content is upsetting to read for you, i definitely do NOT recommend this book. (if you want to avoid reading these bits: ch 47 y.t. meets raven, ch 50 they are in a bar eating, ch 52 things happen that result in y.t.'s anti-assault device activating- she did not activate it on purpose, but forgot it was there- and raven is knocked out.)

please PLEASE dont take any of the following analysis as like, trying to be apologetic towards this scenes. because again they were awful and hard to get through and really gross. but im also cognizant that the author was obviously trying to convey something by making the choice, like the way it was written is obviously not condoning this sort of thing.

i think maybe what stephenson was trying to get at with that, was that we see hiro internally negate any potential for anything untoward with y.t. basically immediately, since he kind of senses that she might have a small crush on him (though this doesnt last more than a fleeting moment, especially from her perspective). vs raven, whose 'poor impulse control' warning tattoo eventually elicits a sarcastic remark from hiro after he finds out raven and y.t. were "a thing". i really dont think hiro knew how far it went? like it was just suuuper weird, but i figured it was meant narratively to 1. execute the chekovs gun of y.t.'s anti-assault device, 2. contrast hiro and raven (especially considering the bike-racing argument where theyre telling the story together, which is supposed to parallel them, while contrasting the differences in how they ended up?), and 3. just to get raven unconscious, i guess. but good god it was weird and i hated every second of it, why couldnt the device have like, activated way earlier?? gah. fucking upsetting. moving past that!

honestly i was really frustrated by how little screentime juanita got, because the way she was introduced was so fucking interesting and then shes mostly off doing her own thing. the bits of explanation she gives at the end about what she was up to on the raft are so sparse and im like damn, can we get a little bit of her pov in here? please? that would have ruled. additionally, shes supposed to be hiros love interest, but we see so little of them interacting outside her intro scenes. a huge portion of why hiro is getting into the sumerian mythology is literally framed as something that will help him understand juanita, but we dont get to see him talk to her about it barely at all.

the supporting characters were quite fun, i particularly liked the librarian. big surprise, i liked the overly literal ai information-dispensor, lmfao. watching him and hiro interact reminded me SO hard of geordi laforge having honest to god conversations with the computer where he tries to coax information out of it, aka one of my favorite little aspects of tng.

and lastly, the major plot themes themselves. i adore the way stephenson approached action, it was very entertaining. usually i cant really visualize action scenes written out, but his use of language was really really effective and engaging. the plot itself was absolutely fascinating, though i found the premise pretty contrived. which isnt bad in itself, i was fully suspending my disbelief until the last hundred pages or so. which for a 550+ page book, isnt too bad.

i did like the approach of linking the ancient to the modern, that is always really neat. and i think ultimately stephenson did it in an interesting way, not how i would have done it, but definitely interesting! creating these ideas about information infrastructures, and there being words that can access those and be used to control people, was wild. not sure if i agree about the equating of religion to a virus, though he did specifically establish that it was more the approach to religion, than religion itself. (maybe if juanita had been more goddamn present in the narrative that could have been elaborated on a little more. literally her perspective would have been perfect in balancing that out!!)

ultimately what did me in was the very very very long winded MONOLOGUE where hiro re-explained the whole premise, in ways that didnt really neatly organize into a cohesive argument. a lot of the scenes where hiro talks to the librarian, which are interspersed throughout the book, are really exposition heavy, because stephenson is rooting his ideas in historical concepts that need to be explained to both hiro and the audience. and i thought all that was fine, because it was a conversation where hiro was grappling with the information, and he was figuring it out along with the reader, and most importantly it was a conversation between him and the librarian computer program.

howeverrr later on we get a full rehash of all that, where hiro makes clear some stuff that was just implied for the reader, and hes literally just telling these important men whats up in this big long monologue. utterly worthless. i kept reading it and going YEAH, we KNOW, we know this we know this. and the important men barely interjected. it added basically nothing to our understanding of the situation, other than reframing it. but everything added was already an implicit thing, and didnt really need to be said again.

the resolution to the book was stellar, the last 30-40 pages, once hiro is onto the raft, were great. ultimately after reading and giving some time to digest it, i think it was a solidly great book with a few big drawbacks near the end, but which dont carry through and sully the ending.

[probably-writing-x]

Out of Love pt.4

Guzmán x Reader

Request by anon: Hi! I hope that you’re feeling okay ! Would you do a 4th part of your story Out of Love ? Stay safe ! Thank you for your writing ! 💕

Gif is not my own

Requests are closed🤍

“Do you remember when things first started with you and Guzmán?” Omar asks you over coffee one morning.

“Yeah, how come you ask?” You frown, handing him a plate of scrambled eggs on toast.

“Well, when me and Ander had a talk about everything and decided to actually take your advice,” He explains, “We spoke about when we first met. I wanted to know if you remembered the same thing about Guzmán.”

“And you think it will save our relationship?” You joke, “It was about three and a half years ago...”

—Three Years Earlier—

When you’d first started at Las Encinas, you’d promised your Mum that you would keep your head down and avoid mixing too much with the drama that always ensued in a place like that. She had a reputation to uphold. You’d tried your best to stick to that. Until a certain boy tried his best to flip that on its head.

“Marina you cant be serious,” You roll your eyes, flopping back on her bed as she sits at her desk.

“Come on! You know I wouldn’t say it unless I seriously meant it,” She defends, spinning in the chair as she lets out a laugh.

“This is your brother we’re talking about!” You sit upright to face her, “Shouldn’t you be discouraging anything happening between us?”

“Between my brother who has clear feelings for you and acts completely different when you’re around, and you - the girl who would be practically perfect for him?” Your best friend raises her brows, “That hardly sounds like a bad idea.”

“Marina I’ve heard how much you complain about him!” You laugh, “You hardly give a good impression!”

“But he’s so different when you’re around! It’s honestly adorable.”

Before she can continue, the boy of subject walks past her room. You couldn’t deny that Guzmán was an attractive boy, he had an odd mix of maturity and youthfulness that he sometimes didn’t find the right balance between. And, Marina was right, he did act completely different around you and it was sweet. But the idea of dating your best friend’s brother when you were so young already felt like a recipe for disaster.

“Come on, I see you looking at him...” Marina wiggles her brows, “It’s meant to be.”

“Meant to be?” You scoff, “We’re fifteen Marina! Nothing is meant to be when you’re fifteen. He’s your brother and he’s my brother’s best friend. That’s literally a recipe for the worst disaster.”

- - - - - -

“Thank you, I’ll see you tomorrow,” You smile to your teacher as she hands you a paper back.

You go to turn out of the class and instantly bump into someone who’d been stood just outside.

“Shit, sorry,” You mutter, glancing up to realise it had been none other than Guzmán stood in front of you.

“That’s okay, can I walk you to your locker?”

You look at him and let a furrow manifest between your brows, “What?”

“We have the same class next, so I’ll walk with you,” He shrugs, matching your pace as he walks by your side.

You glance over your shoulder like you’re expecting this to be a set up and for Marina to be behind it all. But she’s nowhere to be seen - in fact, you’re pretty sure she’s not in school today. Either that or you were expecting to see Ander shooting him a dagger-like glare from across the way.

“What are you doing Guzmán?” You frown, “Is something wrong?”

“Why does something have to be wrong?” He laughs, “How’s your day been?”

It was easy to get along with Guzmán. The two of you had been through a lot with Marina, especially after her HIV diagnosis. And you’d been the ones that each other had relied on to confide in when you tried to process it all. He was supportive when you were upset, and he assured you he felt the same. Something had changed between you after that. It was like you were looking at a different person. And, ever since then, Guzmán had always acted differently around you. Like he knew deep down that something had changed too.

Just as he’d said, he walked you to class and sat down in the seat beside you. He didn’t care for it belonging to someone else. He made comments all through the lesson to mock something the teacher had said or point out something amongst the class to make a joke about. You’re certain you’d never laughed so hard. By the end of the class, there were no notes on your page and tears streaming down your cheeks as the two of you had been in hysterical laughter for the past ten minutes.

You don’t notice as Guzmán looks over at you whilst you’re laughing. How he’s so focused on the way your eyes crease shut and you throw your head back. How your lips light up with the most bright smile he’s ever seen. It’s oddly enough a feeling that terrifies him. Because right there, beside you, he feels vulnerable for the first time in forever. He feels completely and utterly weak in your presence and it scares him that he won’t ever get that strength back. It was silly really. He should’ve just seen you as the girl that spent every day at his house in his sisters room, nothing more than a good friend to Marina. But, over the years, he’d heard you make her laugh more than anybody else. And he wanted to be the recipient of that comedy. He’d seen you give her the strongest, most genuine of hugs. And he wanted to be the one who had your arms wrapped around them. He’d seen you give her intense speeches of self confidence when she was feeling low. And he’d wanted nothing more than to come to you on his lowest days and watch you piece things back together like you were always made to be a part of them. And there, sitting beside you laughing in that lesson, he’d felt so vulnerable that all of that felt like a flood of what he’d started to learn to be love. He didn’t know how exactly Ander would take to learning something like that but he decided in that moment that it was worth it nonetheless.

“Well, thank you for giving me some extra work to catch up on,” You joke as the two of you walk out of the classroom.

You’d started to feel it too. That glint in his eye that felt impossible to ignore when he smiled at you. The way he listened to your words and picked up on the little details. How he’d make jokes he somehow knew you’d be the only one to find funny. How he defended you without any expectation to be the one on your side. He’d been there for his sister, and been there for you in the process. Where your tracks had been running alongside each side of Marinas, you’d somehow found a time along the way where you and Guzmán had become more connected than ever.

“I heard Marina talking to you yesterday,” Guzmán confesses as you reach the point where you should theoretically part ways, “Something about my acting different around you?”

You smirk a little, “Yeah she might’ve mentioned that.”

“Don’t act confident (Y/n), she’s told me the same thing about you,” He laughs, “I don’t think we’re very good at hiding things.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Guzmán,” You try to keep your composure.

“Well, we’ve got my sister’s blessing, and you’re just as bad at lying as I am,” He points out, “What would you say if I asked you on a date?”

“I’d say we’re not there yet,” You shake your head, “We started off not knowing each other, then became friends by association, then aquaintances, and now friends. Just friends for now.”

“Okay, friends then,” He smiles, “So what do I have to do to move up to the next stage?”

“You tell me, Guzmán.”

—Present Day—

“(Y/n), this came in the mail for you today,” Ander comments as he walks through into the kitchen.

You watch as he walks straight over to Omar and kisses him softly. Seeing the two of them back to normal was always a relief. No matter how much they argued, figuring it out just seemed to always be a part of the timeline. And you’d never once seen them at a stage that you didn’t think they’d get back from.

“Thank you,” You smile, taking the letter from him that was clearly addressed to you.

“Who’s it from?” Omar frowns, distracted as Ander takes some toast from his plate.

“I have no idea,” You mumble but you’re telling yourself the complete opposite, “I’ll be back in a minute.”

You take your coffee and walk outside to the patio chairs just outside the back doors. It’s a little too cold outside for this to be a good idea but you don’t mind, taking a seat on one of the chairs as you open the envelope. You knew exactly who it was from. That writing was unmistakable- and you knew what date today was. A year had now passed since Guzmán had sent you a letter like this. A year ago, it had been to tell how grateful he was for how much you’d been there for him recently. You’d got him through a lot and he’d not been able to audibly find the words to say how much it meant to him. So, in a style that clearly proved how different he was around you, he’d written you a letter. Your stomach overturns at the thought of what he’d be saying this time.

Dear (Y/n),

I hope you’re sat outside when you’re reading this, on that chair you had to replace because I broke it last summer. I hope you’ve got a coffee in your hand and you’re waiting until it cools down just a little past hot before you drink it. I hope you’re every part the girl that I gave a letter to this exact time last year.

I don’t really know how this will go or if this is a good idea but I’ll give it my best shot. Because you and I both know I’m not good at saying things out loud, I always fumble my words and get annoyed at myself and you have to stop me from swearing after every other word.

One full year ago, I sat and waited for your response after you were reading a letter just like this one. You’re the only person I’ve ever written a letter for and it still baffles me that you softened me that much to make me such a romantic :) Since then, I’ve done everything and nothing to completely change the way you see me. I did everything wrong and nothing in the way I once did. So, I want to take you back to when I first realised I loved you. I’ve thought about this a lot because there are far too many times I could say are when I realised I loved you. In fact, you probably gave me a reason every day, even if I stopped noticing. But this one stood out more than the rest. Because it was the reason I walked to your house and told your brother that I’d do everything I could to prove to him that I was good enough for you.

You were laying in our old garden by the pool and Marina was beside you. You had this black swimsuit on and a pair of sunglasses that kept falling off your head or getting tangled in your hair. My sister asked you if you knew what it would feel like to be in love. And you’d told her the most simple, obvious analogy that I’d never heard before. You seemed so sure of yourself. You told her this - that everybody ran their own path through life, like trunks of a tree with different branches. You said that wouldn’t change when you loved someone, but it instead was the feeling of finding someone who you wanted to run that path alongside. Whose branches connected with yours and who celebrated the parts of your life that were separate. It sounded so weird to hear from someone I was certain had never felt that way about anyone. But even weirder to realise that I wanted to be the person you spoke that way about. I left the house and told Ander that exact same thing, he laughed at me and said that I wasn’t the one he needed to convince. And I spent the next days, weeks after that trying to convince you instead.

That’s when I realised I wanted to love you, darling. I realised I wanted to be the lucky one who was loved by you. That never stopped. Not now, not ever. I just got lost when I was trying to keep up with other people’s paths. I lost sight of the fact that I’d had someone running alongside me that whole time that somehow managed to keep up with the pace and fall back when I struggled. Who picked me up when something knocked me back and who pulled me back when I got ahead of myself. I got so used to having that presence that I stopped putting in the effort. When, if I’d have done things right, I should’ve been spending every day still trying to convince you to love me.

You never stopped being too good for me. I just became blind to it. I should’ve treated every single day with you like another day where I was trying to prove myself to you. To convince you that I was worthy of everything you offered to the world. I’d do it all again if I could. I’d tell you every single time you did something that made my heart do that boyish flutter I never grew out of. I’d remind you of everything you wore that made me feel a way I’d never be able to describe. I’d tell you every one of the quotes you’ve said that I still have engraved into me. Id be good enough for you.

I never stopped being in love with you.

And if you let me, I’ll spend every day of my life proving why you shouldn’t fall out of love with me. I’ll spend every day trying to show you exactly why I convinced you in the first place.

You once told me we were at that stage of being just friends. And I asked you about getting to that next stage. I think we’re past that now. We’re at a stage I never expected us to be at, I just need to know what I can do to get us past that. To where we should be I want us to be. So, what do I have to do to move up to that next stage?

Always yours, Guzmán.

“Who’s it from?” Ander is stood at the doorway with Omar when he sees you fold the paper to finish the letter.

You glance at both of them with tear stained cheeks.

“Shit, she’s crying!” Omar exclaims, having never seen you cry... ever.

You laugh a little and wipe your face, “Fuck...”

“(Y/n), you need to find him,” Ander confirms and it means a lot more to come from him - the brother who’d always reminded you to never give boys a second chance when they weren’t worth it.

“You think?” You stand up from your chair, taking in a shaky breath.

“Are you kidding me?! This boy just wrote you a fucking letter to confess his love for you!” Omar raises his voice, grabbing your hand, “Go after him, honey!”

You wipe your face once again and nod, “Yeah, I need to, dont I?”

You were only really questioning yourself now. You couldn’t leave it any longer. The boys practically push you through the house as you grab your shoes and hold the letter in your trembling hands.

“How come you never wrote me a letter?” Omar questions Ander just as you’re about to leave.

“We live together!”

- - - - - -

You know the walk to Guzman’s house even through your blurred vision and shaking legs. It’s like you don’t even have to think enough about the path to get lost.

His Mum’s car is missing from the drive and you know he hates being home alone for too long in that house. What if he was out?

You’re just about to knock on the door when it opens from the inside and Guzmán is stood, fully dressed with shoes on and keys in his hand.

“Guzmán,” You say like you’re trying to convince yourself that he’s actually there, in front of you.

“(Y/n)... I was just coming to find you,” He explains, eyes falling and landing upon the paper gripped in your hand, “You read it?”

All you can manage is a small nod.

“Theres a part that’s missing,” He comments, taking in a deep breath, “That day on the phone, you asked me when I fell out of love with you. And I told you at the club that I just strayed too far from home, and that I needed to prove to you that you shouldn’t fall out of love with me. None of that’s true.”

Your heart sinks as you hold back another wave of flooding tears.

“Instead, it’s that you made me into somebody I thought was worthy of loving you - you subconsciously made me a better person because I wanted to be better for you. I didn’t fall out of love with you. I stopped loving myself, and I fell back into that person from three years ago that never deserved you. I became someone I hated and I punished myself by pushing away the best person I’d ever laid my eyes upon. I need to learn how to love myself again and I need to learn how to do that, but l want to be that boy that you made me. How do I become him again?”

You take in a deep breath, “You tell me, Guzmán.”

He lets out a breathy laugh and pulls you into him, arms wrapping so tightly around you as your final tears stain the plain grey of his T-shirt. Guzmán shifts you back so he can look into your eyes.

“You’re crying,” He notices, tears coming from the girl he’d never seen cry once - not for Marina, for your brother, for yourself. Never.

You chuckle, “It’s all your fault, Guzmán.”

He lifts the pads of his thumbs and brushes away the shadows from where the tears had previously been. His lips move close to you as he presses a kiss onto each of your cheeks, below your eyes. Before he moves back and kisses your lips for the first time in far too long. It’s soft and slower than any other kiss you remember from his impatient touch. It’s cautious, but certain. And you know he’s taking in every last second of it for every fraction of his time that it’s worth.

“I’ll never fall out of love with you (Y/n) (Y/l/n).”

——————

(((Let me know your thoughts please please please)))

[elle-smells]

Not me rewriting the one shot I posted an hour ago to include the events of the latest clips- Bonus: I live through Sander’s thoughts about you know who- 

He felt good.

Sander used to hate that word. It didn’t mean he was down, but it also didn't mean he was at his best. It's always been all or nothing for him. That is, until he met Robbe and realised that good is just enough, more than enough actually. As long as he has the right person holding his hand, the stage of simply feeling good was a promise of not drowning but it also meant things could still get better. 

So that's what he felt tonight. Good. He had spent the evening sketching after finishing his big project earlier than he expected and his parents were gone on some sort of second honeymoon they had to reschedule due to the pandemic. The house was quiet and peaceful. The blankets wrapped around his legs was soft and warm….the blanket was also Robbe’s. In fact, the hoodie he wore was also his boyfriend’s. They had so many of each other’s things in their rooms that at times it felt like they lived together. Sander smiled at the thought of never having to let go of Robbe late at night when he really had to get home or having the guarantee of never waking up alone. One day, he thought, it honestly could not come fast enough. 

Sander was brought out of his thoughts by the sound of someone knocking on the door. That was weird, he wasn't expecting anybody and Robbe wouldn't knock, especially since Sander got him a copy of his house keys for the week. Yes, Robbe is staying with him while his parents are away. Yes, Robbe complained about receiving a key, saying it felt like he was intruding. And no, Sander did not pout and whine like a baby until Robbe finally took the key….and if he did no one has to know. Anyway, it couldn’t be him, but he was wrong because when Sander opened the door he was greeted with the most beautiful and yet heartbreaking sight. It was indeed his boyfriend, looking as handsome as ever but with a slight frown on his face. 

“You know how keys work right? It means you don't have to knock because my house is your home too, remember?” Sander tried with a teasing tone and Robbe looked up at him with a small smile forming on his lips. 

“Shush I’m tired” Robe moved past him into the small hallway and made his way to the living room where he pretty much threw himself onto the couch where Sander had been sketching moments earlier. Sander picked the camera equipment left forgotten on the floor and placed it on the small table in the middle of the room before positioning himself right behind Robbe so his boyfriend could lay with his back facing him. Speaking of his boyfriend, he should really know better by now. See, being together with someone for a while and being as infatuated with them as Sander is with Robbe means you learn to pick up on a few things. little details that the untrained eye would miss, but not Sander. Nope, he knew Robbe wasn't just tired, and if the way he kept looking down and playing with his hands told the older boy anything, it was that his lover was thinking hard about something. 

“So are you going to tell me what happened or are we going to forget about it and watch a movie?” Robbe huffed out a chuckle, as if saying he should’ve known his boyfriend would notice. They stayed silent for a moment, Sander would wait for hours if he had to, as long as Robbe told him when he felt comfortable saying it. 

“It’s just- “ Robbe tried “The first thing is kinda silly,  I mean it was my fault anyways for being late, I should’ve checked my tires before hopping on it for 45 minutes, I-...I just really wanted it to go well, I didn’t mean to make her upset at me or Moyo...and we checked the footage...it's not as good as I hoped, I mean they said it was good but I know its not my best. And then we were driving home and then...Moyo told her to sit down, we told her it was a bad idea...we were telling her to sit down and-...he lost control and he didn’t mean for the accident to happen and we didn't know what to do- ”

“Hey hey hey, breath, it's okay. Its okay” 

Robbe had told him about the dance video he was going to film with Moyo and his new girlfriend. He didn't really get what it was for but seeing Robbe so excited when talking about it filled Sander up with joy to last a lifetime. His boyfriend had been through so much and seeing him finding something that brings him so much happiness and fulfillment is truly the most amazing sight Sander had ever had the pleasure of seeing from the front row. He recognised the look on Robbe’s face whenever he finished editing a Broerrs video, it’s the same look Sander sees whenever he looks in the mirror after finishing a drawing he is really proud of. It’s beautiful to see really, someone being so passionate about something, truly wonderful, especially if it's the person Sander loves most in the world. 

It's not fair, he thought, that a few mishaps turned something Robbe was so excited about into whatever happened that is now making him sad and slightly frustrated. To be honest, he's not exactly sure about what happened, Robbe is not exactly the most eloquent person when he's rambling. But Sander understood enough.and Moyo’s girlfriend? Kato? He could not understand how someone could be so self centered and selfish and borderline manipulative and- wait a minute, did Robbe say there was an ACCIDENT? 

“Wait, go back for a second-, accident? Like, a CAR accident? Are you okay? Was anyone hurt?” 

“I’m fine, all three of us are fine...the car is not though. I just wish there was something I could do to help Moyo with that, it's totally wrecked. Not to mention the other car we hit...” 

Another car- no, this was not the time for him to get upset, he needs to be there for Robbe. He chose his next words very carefully.

“Did you go to the police?” Robbe shook his head and looked down. They both knew what came to mind but decided not to mention it. Not tonight. “No...I mean Kato just wanted to get home and Moyo was pretty upset.” 

Sander huffed. Kato just wanted to get home, he tries not to judge people before he properly gets to know them. He tried with Kato, he really did, but the more Sander hears about the new girl, the more a dislike of her grows in the pit of his stomach. Didn’t Robbe say Moyo got distracted because of her? And if he heard correctly then she was apparently pissed at Robbe for being late? After giving up his free time- well, operation don't get upset has officially failed. Thankfully, Robbe’s back was still pressed to his chest, he was also good at reading Sander and he didn't need that right now, he needed someone to hold him. And so Sander gently kissed the top of the brown curls he loves so much. 

“Ok, first of all, we’ve talked about this, if it upsets you, it's not silly. It won't ever be silly, not to me.” 

“Yes, but-”

“No buts” Sander tightened his gripped around Robbe’s waist “It's not your fault you had a flat tire and I’m sure Moyo will appreciate the footage you got, which I’m 100% certain is amazing, no questions asked” 

Robbe turned his head to look at him. “You don’t know that….its not my best”

“It may not be your best but it's good. Good means good, Robbe, not bad. You are only going to get better from here.” 

 A short pause.

“...and the accident...no one was hurt, right? So, it's fine, as long as you are all okay, and I know you want to help Moyo but right now there is nothing you can do so don't feel guilty about coming home okay?” Robbe nodded “We’ll figure out the rest when the time comes, we’ll do it together, I promise.”

Robbe turned his entire body around and they laid there, chest to chest, brown eyes looking up to meet green. Then, a smile, and Sander knew he had gotten something right. Robbe spoke in a soft whisper, “I love you so much, you know that”

 It wasn’t a question. Sander simply snorted and slowly kissed his boyfriend on the lips, running his hands through what he was sure was the softest hair in the world. He no longer needed Robbe’s blanket or hoodie to keep him warm, Sander had something much better now. 

“You know...that movie night thing you mentioned doesn’t sound half bad. Want to order in? I promise not to make you watch a horror movie this time, I wouldn't want you bothering the neighbours with your screams” Sander playfully hit Robbe’s arm

 “Hey! That was ONE time, and I told you, they got me when I wasn’t paying attention, anyone would scream if caught off guard”

Robbe giggled, oh how Sander loved that sound. “Yeah, okay One time out of fifty-” Sander didn’t let him finish the sentence as tackled him on the couch before peppering his lover’s face with endless kisses. 

Yes, Sander felt good tonight. Maybe even a little better than that.

[werejusttouchingeachother]

DUBAI 2019 [August 28th, 5:00AM]

Chapter 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 T/W: cursing Words: 2446 A/N: its... the final chapter. i hope it isn’t too disappointing and i can’t believe i just finished my first series (altho short) on here. this is a big moment and i’d wait longer to upload it but it seems right to do it on KyoongDay. for anyone and everyone who’s been with me through the whole ride, @realllllrica​ @jongins-laceglove​, @mongryong-the-corgi​ for hitting me up constantly with feedback, @hkynm​ for the constant support and discussions about baek and writing, @exosnet​ @bbh-net​ for all the support, silent supporters like @baekyoonbi​ @tiredgirltingz​ @lolii-moon​ (YES I SEE AND LOVE ALL OF YOU) and even the anons who reached out and everyone else, i love all of you and thank y’all so so much, may all your lives be filled with the same warmth and happiness that Baekhyunee emits ☀️💕

Dubai International Airport

His hands are nervously drumming against the handle of his luggage as he looks around while you quickly respond to Seoyeon’s text. You push your phone back into your pocket, swallowing slightly as you catch Baekhyun’s gaze from where he stands next to the car while Manager unloads all the bags from the trunk.

It had only been two nights ago when you’d taken Baekhyun to Trance and shown him all of Dubai. Earlier that day, you’d almost broke down as he left your office and thought that you were having a rerun of what happened at New York.

And yet, you didn’t. It felt like ages ago and it killed you now because as you gazed at him, you wished you could redo it all again just to relive every moment with him, the good and even the bad if only it meant to be in his arms again.

No matter how many times you’d been through this, it killed you every time you had to watch him leave.

You sighed as Baekhyun gave you a smile that didn’t quite meet his eyes. Jongin elbowed your side and you turned to the tall man, giving him a small smile as he cocks his head in the direction of Baekhyun.

“Go hug him before he starts crying,” Jongin teases and Baekhyun glares at him, already opening his mouth to curse at him. You grab his hand before he can and drag him around the Prado car, taking him to the front that’s facing the wall for some privacy as you look at him.

“Hey,” you say, cupping his cheeks with your hands. “Don’t stress so much. It’s okay. I’ll fly down sooner than you think, okay? You’ll be busy with SuperM and all the shows at America for a while anyway so forward your schedules to me and we’ll figure something out. Okay?”

He nods, sighing softly in between your hands as his gaze drops to the floor. You squeeze his cheeks slightly and his gaze darts back up as you mumble, “Eat properly, okay? I’ve told Jongin to tell me if you skip meals so you better not do it.”

“You too,” he rolls his eyes, pulling away from your hands and gripping them in his own instead. “You better not lose weight either.”

“You know I won’t. Seoyeon doesn’t let me.”

At this, he pouts. “Maybe you should come with me to monitor my eating and I won’t skip then.”

“Baekhyun.”

“Seoyeon can come too! To monitor you! We can form our own support triangle!”

“Shut up,” you laugh, shaking your head at him. He sighs as you encircle your arms around his slender waist, hugging him tightly to you.

“Soon,” you mumble softly. “I promise.”

Baekhyun holds you to him, asking, “Where’s your car?”

“The parking lot below this.”

“You can’t come see me off inside the airport, right?”

“No, the fans have been waiting for hours.” You look up then, tilting your head back to gaze at him. “Also, Dubai airport security is pretty strict so I can’t get very far inside without a ticket.”

Baekhyun sighs again before pulling back. You stare at each other in silence, eyes stinging slightly as you force yourself to not cry because you know if you did, it’d just hurt him and get him upset too which would then make you feel worse.

He doesn’t say anything as he leans forward, cupping your face and kissing you. You stumble back slightly as he leans his entire weight onto you, your back pressed up against the side of the care as his lips press into yours deeply in a way that you were certain he was savouring and cherishing each nanosecond, memorising it until the next time that your lips could meet again.

You hear someone clear their throat and Baekhyun pulls away reluctantly. He immediately crushes you to his chest again, hugging your head until you’re suffocating and you’re almost thankful that you can’t see him because you weren’t sure how much longer you could keep a grip over your emotions.

Baekhyun loosens his grip around you and you smile as you feel him gently kiss the top of your head before finally letting go. You smile up at him and he gives you one quick kiss before turning around.

You take in a shaky breath and step away from the car as Baekhyun quickly strides to Hyungnim, grabbing the passport and ticket from his hand as he headed for the glass doors at the right corner of the parking lot, leading to the airport. Jongin and Hyungnim turns to give you one last friendly wave and you nod at them with a smile as they follow him inside.

It was an unspoken agreement that both you and Baekhyun abided by—no matter how much it hurt, it always hurt a lot worse if you turned for one last glance so you both always left without looking back.

Your phone suddenly rings with the familiar notification bell saved for Baekhyun and you furrow your eyebrows, grabbing it from your pocket to check the message.

[4:13AM] So you may wanna check the backseat of your car for some pictures from a secret folder that I may have left for you to miss me.

You furrow your eyebrows in confusion as you read the message. Secret folder, what—

Your eyes widen as it strikes you what exactly he’s talking about and you quickly run to the right, leading to the stairs downstairs to where your car was parked.

You’re slightly panting as you unlock the car door, and dive into the backseat, closing the door behind you.

“Oh my god,” you breathe out when you notice a familiar beige box placed on the floor of the car, grabbing it and placing it on the seat.

You grin like an idiot as you open the Louboutin box, fingers finding a hard white paper and turning it to read his familiar handwriting:

Ha, fooled ya! ^^ I know you haven’t worn out the ones I gave you last time (I know everything, okay?) but I really put a lot of thought into this so I hope you use them well. Also, check the glove compartment for the secret folder photos kekekekeke

You mutter curses under your breath as you bite down on your lip to stop yourself from splitting your face open with your grin as you pull away the paper wrappings and gasp aloud when the shoes are finally revealed.

The first thing you notice is that they’re customised—a sleek red body covered with what appeared to be black lacing.

You peer closer and your eyes widen as you feel your heart stutter slightly.

The intricate designs adorning the lace were the exact same that you’d drawn by your own hand decades ago; your first design as a child: the half-circle sun you’d drawn in between two upside-down v’s that were mountains.

A design that was familiar and known to every kid whether artistic or not, it was the one you’d been most proud of as you incorporated it into your very first designs that you’d launched at Paris—both for children and adults, by developing the base circle and triangle into a more elaborate geometric pattern with bold and monochrome colours in a way that it struck as familiar and funky to everyone alike.

A detail you’d gushed about in passing, long ago to Baekhyun—not having expected for him to remember it.

You gaze at the red-soled heels in awe, exhaling softly in disbelief as you wonder how he even thought of doing this. The geometric designs added a beauty to the Louboutins that you didn’t even dream of, heightening its beauty with the complementing red-sole.

You glance at the note again, eyes falling on the last words and reminding you of the glove compartment.

Feeling too impatient to step out, you just throw your leg over the steering and climb to the front seat, grunting as you feel the gearshift hit your side in your hurry. You sit down with a heavy breath, mentally preparing yourself for the photographs of yourself that your insane boyfriend had, for some reason, thought would be hilarious to print them out for you.

“Byun Baekhyun, I swear to God,” you mutter under your breath, opening the glove compartment slowly. “If it’s the blowjob pictures, I’m gonna—”

You stop as you notice the familiar black album cover of City Lights that you were certain you’d last seen in your apartment, next to your sound system with the marker that Baekhyun had carelessly left without placing it back in the shelf.

Frowning in confusion, you take the photobook carefully, recognising it as the one without the photocards. You pull it to your lap, feeling the hard circular disk and opening the last page where it was, except now the shiny silver surface had been signed with the marker:

To my love, my soul and my heart My moon, Y/N

You smile as you read the words, fingers flipping through the photobook and suddenly, a paper falls out onto your lap.

Placing the photobook back in the compartment, you unfold the paper and start reading the letter:

I hope you’re happy cause I didn’t sign anywhere except on the disk, okay? I just wanted to write this because I know I don’t have enough time to tell you and there’s so much I want to say. I’m sure you remember this but the first time I left you in 2017, at Paris—I ran back to the airport’s parking lot and found you in your car just like how you probably are reading this right now, to confess to you for the first time. I knew it was too quick and I knew it might scare you but I wanted to say it anyway. We’ve always rushed, Y/N. I rushed to judge you at Paris, you rushed into a grudge because of my ignorant words. We both rushed at that power room and then we waited what seemed like forever to finally admit the truth to each other. We waited forever to kiss and god, we waited fucking centuries to have each other. I didn’t care when I finally told you I love you because I knew I didn’t want to wait anymore. Because I meant it. I meant it then and I mean it every day—on the many days that I drowsily say it at the end of a call, on the fewer days when we’re both so busy that we forget to remind it to each other, and on the even lesser days that I mumble it into your hair when I hold you close in my arms. I know you hate it when I apologise for the way things are because you say they’re already perfect as is, and I know that if I doubt it, I can always look at you and be reassured of the same. You see me as your beacon of hope, the sunlight in your darkness but you have no idea what you do to me, Y/N. You’re the strongest person I know. The first time I saw you at Paris, you’d been yelling at poor Jun Ki about the broken lights and I remember thinking that you were like some kind of ice queen in her own lair. And then as I pissed you off throughout the show, turned you on at the power room, watched you fall in love with me over tteokbokkis at Paris (okay, it was me who fell in love), I realised how much of a front you’ve put up all your life. And now, I realise how much you’ve grown ever since that first time I met you. Now I’m not crediting myself for it (maybe a little bit) but I like to think that I had something to do with warming all that ice down, melting it away with my light.

You call me your sunshine but you’re my moon, Y/N. Being blinded by these lights all the time, you’d think it’d be easier to see but there’s so many times when I feel lost and helpless, where I have to shine blindly in the direction of the cameras and just blindly smile, pretending that I’m okay. But then you’re there to hold me, you’re there to guide me with your light through the dark. You’re there to tell me that I am okay and I can finally believe it because I know you’re there, holding my hand in my dark that’s blinded by light. You think I shine down on your darkness but you guide me away from mine. There aren’t enough words in any language to ever express how much I love you for the comfort that you are, for the home that you’ve become. And even if there are, I don’t know half as many languages as you so this is the best I can do, okay?

I know you’re a lot better than you were when we first met but I still want you to take better care of yourself, Y/N. I trust Seoyeon to make sure that you aren’t skipping meals and I’ve told her about your little couch situation, so you better start sleeping on that bed, baby. You may not be a model on the runway but it’ll hurt your back and neck and you’re almost always on your feet during your shows so please sleep better. Listen to Jongdae in your room, if that helps (or I’ll make covers of his entire album and send it so you can listen to me instead. Yeah, I’ll do that. Delete his album, don’t listen to him in your room, he has his girlfriend for that). Also as much as I enjoyed your little Arabic tradition, please don’t do it too much. I looked it up and it DOES have tobacco and it IS harmful so you better find another activity to do when you’re stressed about work. Again, I’ve mentioned this to Seoyeon and I think she’s banned you from shisha so yeah, don’t be mad but I love you hehe ^^

My ice queen who became my moon, I love you and miss you already. Fly back to me as soon as you can. Always wanting to stroll more streets with you in yet another exotic city. Always wanting to listen to you throw shade on more tourist guides. Always waiting to be in your arms again.

Your favourite man in the world, Always your sunshine, Baekhyunnieee 'ㅅ'

[the end.]

[dafodilion]

okay so like, this might be lowkey controversial but, for the time being i’m not mad with The Letter For The King. Do i think certain things could have been handled better? Absolutely. But it’s definitely set up for another season at least. Tiuri’s mom hasn’t been seen since like, ep 2 or 3, The Queen had the black eyes that they haven’t explored yet, Lavinia hasn’t found the road, and Iona and Jaro’s strange acquantanceship is just starting.

I’m definitely upset about the death but I want to see what the show writers do with it. If it’s kept through the story and used as a source of inspiration/determination and not completely forgotten about then its one thing but if it is completely forgotten then it begs the question of why the character was introduced in the first place if they were only going to die.

This got long so analysis under the cut

I know a lot of people are upset that Tiuri was teased as the hero but it turned out to be Lavinia who had magic and I just have to say that Tiuri is definitely the protagonist in this story. It is completely centered around him. Not only does he tick most of the ‘hero’ boxes from Campbell’s The Hero’s Journey, he’s also the one we establish the emotional connection with first. I think that’s a part of why a lot of people are upset about the magic thing. He was designated ‘special dude’ in the first few episodes and then everyone finds out that there’s nothing supernatural about him. But what I think a lot of people are forgetting is that the thing that makes Tiuri the hero/protagonist in TLFTK is that he chose to be. He made the choice to help the old man at the chapel door. He’s also a kid. They all are. And save for Lavinia, they likely haven’t had much agency in a lot of their choices because they’re kids. They’re only just starting to be baby adults. So Tiuri chose to go help and that lead to him travelling across the continent.

Another part is the race thing. I’m not going to comment on this too much, not because I don’t think it’s there, I think it is to an extant, but more because I don’t want to make any rash judgments on the writers who had six episodes to tell a story that could very easily have been cut back from ten which is the usual netflix original s1 episode count. They also address that Tiuri does endure certain racist attitudes from other characters through the series. This in mind i’m really hoping that there is some nuance going into the writing that we’ll be able to see in future seasons.

Tiuri also has a questionable Lineage. His home was a victim of genocide and his and his Mother are, for all that we know, some of the few who are left. He doesn’t know who his biological father was. It was teased that his father was a Shaman and while I want to believe that, the information was given when we still thought that he had magic. It’s also shown that Shaman is used as a gender neutral term and I’ll get to that later. His mother tells him not to worry about who his father was and it could be that she was trying to get him to accept Sir Tiuri as his father and that it really doesn’t matter, or it could be that she said it for complicated plot reasons.

Speaking of parents, we have Lavinia. Lavinia’s character is interesting. She was introduced as a self-serving and very ambitious noble/princess who wants to help her people in a sustainable way. Her father is shown to see a quick fix and try to take it. Lavinia wants to find the road that ran from two kingdoms directly through her town(?). She’s done the research and the math and the planning. She just needs to go do it. That’s her goal. Then we’re introduced to the idea of her mother. We know almost nothing about her mother other than she’s gone. There’s mysterious circumstances there that have yet to be explored but they’re set up to be major plot points in the future. Also, just a side note about the magic, we only know of three cultures in TLFTK when there could easily be hundreds of cultures around the world. For there to only be one with magic would be bad world building and just on the detail we’re getting for future season set ups I want to say that the world building wouldn’t be that bad but I could be wrong.

I mentioned the gender neutral term used for Shaman and it being used to describe a magic user. For the time being, and until we get more info on the world building and term usage for the Netflix series because it apparently does differ wildly from the source material, I’m inclined to believe that Lavinia is a Shaman. So was(is?) Prince Veridian. Lavinia’s mother could have been the Shaman being talked about when Prince Veridian was interrogating the Shaman in the village. Now I’m not trying to say that Lavinia could be a woc in this world, I’m just saying that we don’t really know a whole lot about the magic being used and it’s cultural significance throughout the world, and that what we do know is incredibly limited.

Now, names are important for characters not only to distinguish them to readers but the also tell something about the characters. The name Lavinia also belonged to the wife of Aeneus who in Roman mythology was a survivor of Troy and son of Aphrodite and is an ancestor to Romulus and Remus, founders of Rome. One part of her story that her hair catches fire as an omen promising good things for her people and bad things for the latins. This is similar to how Lavinia in TLFTK almost looks to be on fire as ‘the light’ in the battle scene in e6. This is so interesting just from a meta standpoint so I wanted to point it out. I haven’t read the book or the sequel so I don’t know anything about the source material but from a writing perspective that’s a hell of a derivitave. Side note, Tiuri could possibly be derived from Turi meaning ‘of Thor’ or Tiri meaning ‘swift one’ from persian mythology or ‘outsider’ in ijaw, and these are theoretical, it could just be a name. The meanings do come from behindthename and babynames so the meanings could be entirely wrong.

Now Iona. I lover her character and I can’t wait to see more of her. She’s competent, knows what she does and doesn’t know, she can work in a group or independently, takes charge, and can kick ass. She’s also a kid, which is super important. We don’t know much about her history other than her parents are dead and that she’s likely lived a pretty rough life to be somewhat proficient in thievery, survival skills, sleight of hand, and ‘bar speak’ for lack of a better term. Past this we don’t really know much about her, or the rest of the characters for that matter. We have six plot based episodes and that’s it, so from here it’s gonna be less character analysis and more general analysis.

I think that she’s being set up as a foil to Tiuri. A foil is one character who contrasts another. They’re not necessarily opposites. One of the reasons I think this is so is because of how competent Iona is and how incompetent Tiuri is. She goes off with an adult who now(?) has no real ties to anyone, but he’s following her. (This would seem creepy but I see it more as an exasperated adult accidentally adopted an ambitious kid and now feels obligated to make sure they don’t get themselves killed.) Tiuri ends the series belonging to the knighthood. Speaking of the knighthood, this was the one thing that Iona was sure she would get and Tiuri was sure he wouldn’t. She had the confidence and skill to match and Tiuri was just kind of. There.

Now, we know so little of the characters mentioned above and even less of Foldo, Guissipo, and Piak, but they are intrinsically connected to eachother.

Its implied that they grew up together. Piak knows that Foldo tells good stories. So the three of them know each other and that makes the little romance between Foldo and Guissipo a bit more believable once that is realized. Like I said earlier, I really want to know what the show writers deal with Guissipo’s death and how it affects Foldo and Piak. I don’t really expect it to hit Tiuri or Lavinia so hard, maybe Iona if she knows, but it should definitely hit Foldo and Piak. I really hope that in the future, it’s addressed how they both grieve individually and together.

I think the only other character that I really wanna talk about is Queen Alianor. She has Tiuri’s mother and had black eyes, but she also knighted all of the boys. i really want to see what they do with that only because I don’t know what could happen.

Anyway this was more of a ‘okay people are mad about a lot of things and while I know and can agree with why, we don’t really have a lot of information as to what is planned especially with only 6 episodes adding up to less than 300 minutes and a story that could have been so much longer.’ I know that it has issues and that the show has hit certain pitfalls. I know. But I want to hope that there was a reason behind what they’ve done and with more time we’ll get to see those reasons.

[fangirlspammer]

Journey to the Past pt.3

This took awhile to write, but I'm pretty happy with it. I hope you are enjoying this😌

You had been pacing around your living room for half an hour now. Jack was still not home after that blowout back in her office nearly two hours ago. You knew she had work to do and probably needed to cool down before coming over, if she was still coming over. You had showered and made dinner, but still there was no sign of Jack not even a text. Just as you thought about giving up the door opened and you turned to face Jack.

"Jack," you stopped as she held up her hand and you couldn't read her expression. Was she upset with you? Had something happened in the case? Had Gibbs made things worse? All of these questions flooding your mind only made you more anxious.

Jack sighed and set down her coat and purse. "We need to talk," her voice sent chills down your spine and your stomach turned. Nothing good ever came from that sentence in a relationship.

"I shouldn't have called him out like that. It wasn't appropriate," you stepped in quickly.

"No, it wasn't, but that's not what we need to talk about," she shook her head and patted the seat beside her on the sofa.

You looked to her with a certain fear in your eyes, cautiously proceeding to her side. As you sat you looked at your hands that were fiddling in your lap. "Jack, baby, you're really starting to freak me out. Is this about us?"

Jack noticed the fear exuding from you and took your hand. "No! No, god no," she shook her head quickly. "I love you, Y/N," you felt yourself smile as she carried on. "I just needed to clear things up. Gibbs didn't end things with me," she sighed and ran her free hand through her hair.

You furrowed your brow as you listened to her. "I don't understand."

Jack began to chew her lower lip and get antsy in her seat. "Gibbs and I weren't a thing for a long time, despite what his team says," she started and stood up. Now she was the one who was pacing the room. "We flirted and spent a lot of time together, yes," she turned to face you and sighed. "One night, after things were starting to get serious, we found ourselves.." she squinted her eyes and tilted her head a bit, unsure how to phrase this. You nodded and she carried on, leaving you with the unsettling images of your girlfriend and your boss in bed together. "The next morning I told him things weren't going to work because I liked somebody else," she finally took a seat again and put her head in her hands.

You're eyes widened in realization of what she was getting at. "You mean you left him for me?"

Jack nodded, but retracted her response. "It wasn't me leaving him, Y/N. We weren't a couple."

"But you slept together," she nodded and you sighed. "He thinks it's my fault."

"No," Jack moved closer and pushed your hair from your face. "I talked to him tonight, and he knows where my head was at now. He's sorry for how he's treated you these past months."

You scoffed and rolled youreyes. "Gibbs apologized?" You couldn't help your skepticism on the subject. Special Agent, Leroy Jethro Gibbs was not one to apologise. He was barely one to stick around for a full conversation.

"Maybe not in so many words, but I know he is sorry," Jack laughed and you rolled your eyes with a little smirk tugging at the corner of your lips.

She leaned in to kiss your cheek, brushing her lips over it a few times before proceeding to your jawline. This lasted awhile before she captured your lips in a series of hungry kisses. Your stomach did flips and your heart raced at her touch. Your hand slid up her thigh and found its way behind her back. Nothing had ever felt as good as it did when Jack was in your arms.

"I made dinner," you whispered as you both pulled away for air. She arched her brow and you laughed at the cautious look that spread across her face. "I know, I know. We might have to order in."

"I'll eat whatever you made," she smirked and pushed loose strands of hair from your face. Her deep brown eyes glossed over with love and lust.

You found yourself unable to speak for a few moments, getting lost in Jack completely. You couldn't explain the feelings that arose inside of you whenever she was around, and when she was as close as she was now all hell broke loose within you. You shook your head of your devious thoughts before clearing your throat and letting out a soft laugh. "I won't make you do that to yourself. My cooking will probably put you up for a week," you laughed with more amusement in your tone.

Jack rolled her eyes and let out a sound that you swore sounded like an angel singing. "I'll risk it," she leaned forward and planted a soft kiss on your ruby lips once more. "Who knows, maybe I can have you for dessert?"

You felt your cheeks get hot and swore your face was the shade of a tomato. You absolutely loved when Jack was playful like this with you. "Maybe," you smirked and kissed her lips once more. "Maybe I'll even let you have seconds."

Soft giggles filled the room and you both found yourselves lost in yet another series of desperate kisses. Neither of you were ever able to keep your hands off of each other. Honestly you were amazed that you had managed to stay mostly professional at work. At least to the publics eyes you were.

*

*

Jack couldn't remember a longer 'hump day' in her life. The murder of Lieutenant Abigail Finnley was going on its third day of being unsolved. William Jenson was still a suspect even though NCIS had to release him due to lack of evidence, and Jack could only imagine the smug look he must of had on his face as he walked out. She had been over the files at least five times that morning alone, but she was getting nowhere. She tossed her pencil across the room in frustration just as the door open. She looked up and saw Gibbs standing there surprised after having to dodge a flying pencil.

"Have a new file for you," he walked in and shut the door behind him. He held out yet another boring beige folder and she took it with frustration.

"Just what I need. Another file to go over that'll lead me nowhere," she rolled her tired brown eyes, unamused.

Gibbs couldn't help the smirk that tugged at the corner of his lips when he saw the frustration written all over her. "Lesley Hangman, Lieutenant Finnley's best friend," he stated plainly.

Jack was flipping through the files now and looked up at Gibbs suddenly. "We already questioned her. Did you find something else?"

"Finnley filled a restraining order against her the week before she died."

Jack was intrigued. She adjusted her glasses and sat forward with curiosity. "Now why would you file a restraining order against your best friend?"

Gibbs shrugged. "That's where you come in, Jack," he sighed and started to leave, but he stopped at the door. "Y/N-"

Jack arched a brow and gave a little nod. "She'll be on her best behavior tomorrow," she assured him.

"Not what I was asking, Jack."

"I know," their eyes locked for a moment before she sighed, giving into his silent questions. "I told her everything, and we are fine." Gibbs nodded and just like that Jack was left to her own devices once again.

Jack looked down as her phone made a noise. A smile crossed her lips as she read the text.

Chinese takeout tonight. Any movie requests? (:

Surprise me baby. Can't wait to see you;) -J

*

*

You chuckled at the text you just received and licked the cookie dough off of the spatula. You began to wipe the counter and do the dishes as the cookies baked, filling the room with a rich sweetness. There was not much to do being stuck at home but cook and clean, and try not to focus too negatively on yesterday's events. You sighed and turned your music up to drown out your thoughts. You began to dance and hum to yourself. Jack would be home soon and you wanted her to enjoy the evening. This case was too personal for her, and you knew that the last thing she would want was to think about it all. The door opened, but you didn't hear it. You were too busy singing along to the music into a wooden spoon. Your hips swayed and you tossed you hair. A loud screech escaped your lips as you felt arms wrap around you from behind.

"Jack! I didn't even hear you come in," you tried to catch your breath as you turned in her arms. She chuckled and pecked your lips. "I wasn't expecting you so soon."

"We wrapped the case," she shrugged and kissed your nose again, giggling. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare you. You just looked so sexy I couldn't resist."

You rolled your eyes and smirked. She had an excuse for everything. Your brows furrowed when you realized what she had said. "You wrapped the case? Was it-"

Jack shook her head and sighed. "No, it wasn't Jenson. Turns out it was the best friend, Lesley Hangman. She and Finnley were more than friends, but when Finnley broke things off Lesley became obsessed with trying to get her back."

"And that's when Lieutenant Finnley filed the restraining order?" Your knowledge sparked Jack's curiosity and you giggled. "Bishop might have filled me in on a few details earlier."

Jack rolled her eyes and continued. "Yes, well Lesley came over to confront Abigail and things got heated. That's when she stabbed her," she sighed and let her body relax against yours, pressed against the counter. Your arms instinctively wrapped around her.

"Sounds like you need to put your feet up," you breathed out as she pressed against you. Your heart was racing. The things this woman did to you.

"Way up," she smirked playfully causing you groan.

She leaned closer, kissing along your jawline before dipping down to the curve of your collarbone. Your head tilted back instinctively and you swallowed hard. Your grip on the counter tightened as her lips trailed down your chest, but quickly made their way back to your neck. You could feel your legs getting shaky, and she must have too because her leg pushed in between yours and her hips held you in position. You let out another groan, this one more desperate than the last. You took a deep breath, but her scent was intoxicating.

Your hands ran up her back until they found their way into her beautifully, blonde, beach curls, and gave them a gentle tug. She gasped and looked into your eyes before you leaned forward to capture her lips in a heated frenzy of passion. You both wasted no time finding your way into each other's mouths, fighting for dominance, and before you knew it Jack was leading you to the bedroom. You didn't stop her as she kicked the door shut and laid you on the bed. All previous plans were out the window, and your focus was on the beautiful, half naked blonde straddling you now and kissing down your body.

"Y/N," Jack's voice was low and seductive as she inches closer to your thighs.

Her fingers latched under your panty line, but you pulled her back up to you and quickly flipped her over. "Jack," you groaned again. Her hands were pinned to the mattress as our straddled her now and dipped your head to kiss her passionately. "This is about you," you whispered and smirked. She let out that giggle that sent shivers up your spine. Your lips found hers again, and soon the room filled with soft moans and breathless panting. If only everyday could be this way.

[cg29]

40 Questions — Meme for Fic Writers.

Thank you to @soniabigcheese @gumnut-logic @onereyofstarlight and Anon for the ASKS you sent my way. Since I wanted to answer in detail, I’ve had more than 1 question, and I’ve not had a lot of spare time today I thought I’d answer all in this one post…

So first up @soniabigcheese sent me: ‘How about ... 9 ... 15 and 19? Please.’

9: Which fic has been the hardest to write?

All have been challenging in their own individual ways. Yet, really thinking about it I’d have to say GONE. For various reasons – It was my first Thunderbirds Fanfic, the longest story I had ever written, at this point the one I’ve had to do the most planning and research, and finally because of the emotions that needed portraying. However, the elation at finally finishing the story was amazing and has certainly inspired me to continue.

15: If you could choose one of your fics to be filmed, which would you choose?

Oh my God, that would be amazing! I would definitely have to go for Bad Day (Virgil’s day keeps repeating. What will it take for it to end and a new one to begin?) I had so much fun writing this, it’s one that I’ve reread a few times since competing, and it still makes me giggle. I’m sure I’d be in stitches if I got to watch it on the big screen. Although due to some of the contents towards the final chapters it would definitely need a UK PG or 12A rating.

19:  Stephen King once said that his muse is a man who lives in the basement. Do you have a muse?

For Thunderbirds fanfiction my muse is definitely Virgil, The-Virg, It’s definitely his creativity and those eyes, plus that mouth, also those eyebrows, and his muscles… Sorry getting distracted – Actually, thinking about it, Virgil’s more of a distraction than a muse. Especially with my new mobile screensaver which I keep staring at.

Okay, back to the question. I don’t think I’ve got a muse – just a little voice in my head that won’t shut up when I have a story idea until I’ve written it down.

…

Next we have @gumnut-logic who asked: ‘Writer meme question thingy - 1 & 12.’

1: Describe your comfort zone—a typical you-fic.

I always seem to revert to the family dynamics rather than a full-on rescue story (which is probably why I’m struggling with two of my fics which need to  have rescue bits written in) Basically, I love to go deeper into the descriptions of the physical/emotional whump, and how the family deal with the situation (hidden feelings, tempers, how they bond) during and afterwards.

12: Is there an episode above all others that inspires you just a little bit more?

Yes, for both TOS and TAG.

The original series: There’s a few – Terror In New York City (Yep, the beginning in particular) The Perils of Penelope, Sun Probe, The Uninvited, Edge Of Impact. After thinking long and hard to narrow it down I’d have to say that while Terror In New York’s my favourite. The Perils of Penelope inspired my naughty fic The Night of Anderbad (Penelope & Virgil pairing) plus the idea of Virgil having a secret crush on her in later chapters of The Tracy Family and a few other one of fics.

TAG: There are a few earlier ones which have inspired fics – Grandma Tourismo, Flame Out, Hyperspeed, SOS pt. 2, Signals pt. 1, Upside Down. There are probably others and these last few episodes have been really inspiring. However, I think I would definitely have to go for the more recent SOS Pt 1 & 2 and Signals Pt 1 & 2. (I’m sure the finale of Season 3 may change this answer)

…

Third we have @onereyofstarlight who asked: ‘2 and 37 for the ask meme.’

2: Is there a trope you’ve yet to try your hand at, but really want to?

Yes, I would like to have a go at Were Virgil at some point. Also, would like to try doing the boys ages differently to see how the dynamics changed – Alan as the eldest, next in line is Gordon, then Scott in the middle with John then Virgil as the youngest.

37: Talk about your current wips.

Lol, I have a few so this could take a while :D

I will start with ones that I’ve posted on FF.Net & A03 (Probably also shared them here at some point.

1. Avalanche: TAG.

This story began as a prompt that suggested a story that begins and ends with the same line but the meaning/feeling of the line changes. I started it with the intention of writing just 1 chapter …hahaha… of course I ended the story on a cliff-hanger and couldn’t leave it there, so it’s been continued and I’m so glad I did because I personally feel it is nearing the top of my best written list. The story itself is set when the boys are just children and focuses on the tragedy of the Avalanche and the emotional repercussions. I’ve just reached chapter 14, and probably have another 2-4 chapters left.

2. Lucille: TAG

Synopsis - A story about the unseen woman who watches over International Rescue."I am a wife, I am a mother, and I am the one who watches over International Rescue, making sure I am there to catch them whenever they fall. My name is Lucille Tracy and this, well this is my story!"

A story told through the eyes of the boy’s mother. This is one that I keep stopping and starting, most likely because I hadn’t planned it out. It’s currently on-hold until I finish some others, but I will complete it.

3. The Games: AU - Thunderbirds Are Go mixed with the concept of the Hunger Games. (Although, only Thunderbirds characters will make an appearance)

Here’s my synopsis - Climate change, famine, war. In the end another major war lead to the richest creating the Global Defence Force and 'order' was restored. To celebrate and keep control the Hunger Games were created. This was the 100th games.

The fic started from the Whumptober Prompts and I decided to continue it, wrote half of the 2nd chapter then promptly forgot about it. I’ve recently been looking at this again and have started to reread The Hunger Games for inspiration. However, like Lucille this fic is currently on hold.

4. Virgil Drabbles: TAG.

Started out as a challenge to see how much I could get across in just 100 words. All chapters are based around the lovely Virgil - TAG (but with him being the middle child – started before the Grandma Tourismo episode and apart from a few fics where I write it the other way around I prefer it this way)

The story starts from Virgil’s birth and I’ve now got him attending Denver. I still have a fair few chapters to write but the rest is now all planned out.

5. Reflections: TOS.

Set after Virgil's crash during the Season 1 episode 4 of 'Terror in New York City.' Short reflections from each of the family on nearly losing a brother and son. (Previously Titled, Fallen Brother)

I had always wanted to write something based on my favourite TOS episode. Then Shane Rimmer passed away and this was inspired. Slow updates on this one but I’ve finished telling myself the story just need to edit/rewrite that into something coherent.

And now we’re onto the ones that I may have posted snippets for or just 1 section for on here, but nothing officially posted as yet.

1. Two Untitled Prompts: TAG.

Both prompts were given to me at the end of November and I actually wrote out both (Plotting, thoughts, and telling myself bits of the story) Then December knocked me sideways and my writing suffered. Back to working on these 2 again now and really enjoying them. Without giving to much away, the one features a heart-broken Alan and the other (which with Avalanche is at the top of my pile) features Virgil having a day from hell with added whump.

2. Two Whumptober Fics: TAG.

Posted 1 or 2 chapters for each of these back in October and decided that they could possibly be extended/completed before posting. (All short fics)

The first one is titled Coffee Shot: Virgil gets shot in a café and emotions will run high. Fully planned out but decided to finish some others before I continue working on this.

The second is currently titled Ransom and is set when the guys are children. Scott and Virgil get kidnapped – Only done some basic plotting for this and it’s currently towards the bottom of my WIP pile.

The third is untitled and at the moment my word file is saved under the imaginative title of ‘Virgil Whump’ (Posted 1 snippet that I wrote in 15 mins at the beginning of October then left it because of other projects) In this one the guys are all extremely busy with call-outs and Virgil needs to go to a rescue on his own that involves Fischler. Unfortunately he ends up getting trapped, injured, and because its Fischler left on his own. Fully planned out.

3. Working Title – Shattered Hope. TAG

A story idea that came to me over a year ago, written some short bits, planned out most of the story but because of one small element I need to wait until TAG Season 3 finishes.

Here’s a bit from it that did get shared to Tumblr…

‘How had it come to this?’

Just a short time ago they’d been happy, enjoying some rare downtime in the sun, five brothers together. It shouldn’t be like this… With him cradling one brother who was bleeding from a bullet wound after saving the youngest from certain death. The other two close-by. One with a dislocated shoulder, the other with a broken leg, he himself had a stab wound to his arm... All of them with numerous other injuries… Beaten, bloodied, bruised… And praying that someone would rescue them!

…

Fourth we have anonymous who asked for ’35, 38 and 39.’

35: Would you ever kill off a canon character?

I’ve killed poor Scott off a few times HERE ... HERE and another time as an old man where Virgil also got killed off. (The fic scarred me – But, at the same time I think it’s the best short I’ve written - It’s called White Light if you want to give it a read)

I’ve not killed any of the others yet, and I keep telling myself that I won’t do it again, but it will probably happen again at some point…

39: Do you ever get rude reviews and how do you deal with them? 

I’ve had a couple, but they are usually anonymous ones. I normally just delete them and move on because people like that have nothing better to do and are not worth any upset. But if it does affect my confidence then I’ll reread a couple of nicer comments, then when I’m ready I’ll continue writing. I think there was only one that really knocked me for six and that was an anonymous rant on my Bad Day fic because I’d dared to pair up Virgil and Brains. (I’m sure you can imagine the content)

38: Talk about a review that made your day.

Even though 38 comes before 39 I wanted to save this one for last.

Every single comment I’ve ever got. No matter how short or detailed has brought a smile to my face and helped inspire me to continue writing – If I had to single out one then it would actually be a private message that was sent to my Fanfiction.Net inbox. It was over 2 years ago and unfortunately I can’t find the message now but whoever sent it to me said that they’d loved my Fics, in particular Gone which they had read several times and that I was their favourite writer. I was beaming for weeks afterwards.

So, whoever you were thank you - and to all who comment, re-blog, like or kudos my stories. Thank you from the bottom of my heart… Seriously you all make this fandom such a lovely place to be!

All my current posted fics and their status can be found via my: Thunderbirds Fanfiction Masterlist 

[stevenuniversallyreviews]

Episode 120: Storm in the Room

“Sometimes I wonder if it’s even you up there.”

There are certain episodes of Steven Universe that act as culminations to multiple stories from the past. Pseudo-finales like The Return and Earthlings rely on tons of backstory to show how far we’ve come in the series, and big showstoppers like Mr. Greg that do likewise for specific characters rather than the show as a whole. But as our saga continues, we’re blessed with stories that have the same vast reference pool as these payoff episodes without the finality; at this stage, so much has happened that “regular episodes” can also be riddled with nods to how small elements of Steven’s overall journey have shaped his universe. Storm in the Room isn’t about solving problems, but acknowledging them, and because the problem at hand involves the past catching up with the present, I love how much this episode looks back.

We start right as The New Crystal Gems ends, making this the seventh episode in a row documenting a very long day in Steven’s life (granted, one of them is him listening to what his friends were up to on Earth, but he’s still stuck in the Zoo uniform). Connie, glad to relinquish her guardian duties, gets nervous when Dr. Maheswaran doesn’t answer her phone, and Steven tries to relieve the tension in a way that seems insensitive at face value. His insistence on playing games when she’s clearly upset is awkward as hell, but he eventually acknowledges Connie’s feelings in a way that shows that in his own flawed way he was trying to help. The problem is that his version of help involves ignoring problems instead of facing them, and if this seems familiar, Connie completes the reference by practicing a calming breath from Mindful Education: she learned that episode’s lesson, but just like his mother, Steven’s instinct is to push his issues away.

Connie’s reunion with the good doctor evokes the ending of Nightmare Hospital, with Steven gazing from a distance at a mother and child embracing after a scare. But this time we don’t get the bittersweet imagery of his big smile slowly fading as he hugs Rose’s sword; he’s just alone, a background character to something he’s never experienced, all bitter and no sweet.

The tonal shift when Connie departs is stark and sudden. So far the episode has been full of Steven’s chattering, Aivi and Surasshu’s subtle score, and the ambient sounds of crashing waves as Steven says goodbye, but as soon as he shuts the door we’re met with crushing silence. It’s not hard to guess that his cheer has been forced, but it’s still brutal to see the act drop all at once before an extended and largely wordless routine of taking care of himself because nobody’s around to take care of him. We might not know it until A Single Pale Rose, but just like his approach to problem solving, his double life as an outwardly chipper hero that’s secretly suffering is another way he’s his mother’s son.

From the start of this quiet period, we see his discomfort with the portrait of Rose that’s graced his room for the entire series. The last time it’s been this prominent was Rose’s Scabbard, another eye-opening episode about her past, but now it haunts Steven as he makes his way through an empty home, magnified to show how small he’s made to feel by the cosmic scale of his burdens.

Steven briefly heads outside to avoid the picture staring at him through closed eyes, and we get a moment of pleasant rain that earns some murmured approval, but it morphs from the baptismal drizzle of The Answer and When It Rains to the harrowing downpour of Alone At Sea. Only when he’s back inside, with his dinner ruined and nowhere else to turn, does he truly speak. And for the first time in ages, since the era of An Indirect Kiss and Lion 3, he speaks to Rose.

It might be enhanced by the silence preceding it, but Zach Callison’s performance here is tremendous, even for him. Steven doesn’t even have the energy to be angry, he’s just cold and weary as he finally starts verbalizing his negative thoughts. They’re enough to make his mother’s door glow, and he knows as well as we do by now that Rose’s Room is a place of horror as well as wonder, but he steps inside anyway.

It’s so important that Steven admits right off the bat that none of what he's about to see is real, not just because it’s been a while since young viewers saw this place, but to preface the emotional illusion with his mental awareness of its fakery. He isn’t being fooled like he has in the past, but he’s so desperate for this connection that he’s willing to take questionable means to get it. When he asks to see his mom (rather than asking to see Rose Quartz), the clouds form into another image of her with her eyes closed, but unlike the portrait, she can open them right up.

Steven is already nervous when he enters the room, and gets even more flustered at the voice of his mother coming out of the simulacrum. But the illusion is so real that he composes himself, and despite his earlier nod to reality, he’s clearly drawn in no matter how much his head might tell him not to be.

There are tells, of course. Fake Rose Quartz Rose Ersatz is all about what Steven wants to do, lets him win at his video game with a patronizing “Hooray,” and gives a dramatic speech about the value of sports because the only reference point Steven has to her voice is the similar tone of her message from Lion 3. But beyond the appearance factor, there are tricky ways Faux Quartz seems more real than Connterfeit from Open Book: she’s inquisitive about the video game, she’s willing to pull pranks on her kid, and she provides a compelling rebuttal to Steven’s anger that suggests that maybe, just maybe, her room has a good enough grasp of the genuine article that this is more than a simple fake. After all, back in Rose’s Room, the most detailed deception was Greg, the person Steven encounters that Rose knew best.

But before we get into that conclusion and rebuttal, let’s look at the prank. There’s a certain mythological power to yanking a football away from a kicker: Charlie Brown isn’t that different from the likes of Tantalus or Sisyphus in this metaphor for futility, and while it’s obviously a funnier gag than trying to push a bolder up a hill, the inherent sadness of classic Peanuts is inextricable from the laughs. The glimmer of hope has to be built up every time, only to be dashed when Lucy betrays Charlie Brown’s trust, and it’s not hard to see the parallel with Steven trying again and again to understand the truth.

(While I loved my Peanuts growing up, my favorite iteration of the football gag is this spoken word reenactment starring Paget Brewster as Lucy, John Moe as Charlie Brown, and two of my comedy heroes, Paul F. Tompkins and “Weird Al” Yankovic, enjoying the show between them. It’s brilliant both as a tribute and a deconstruction of Charles Schulz.)

Given the setting, it’s inevitable that the situation turns dark. But despite the turmoil Steven endures, there’s a sense of catharsis as he unloads all his angst after spending so long bottling it up. As with Joy Ride and Steven vs. Amethyst, our hero reveals new insights into what’s going on in his head in a way that can’t be done right without saying it outright. His anger is sold by its specificity, and Callison again proves his chops in a damning monologue about all the ways Rose failed the expectations that have been built for him.

Out of the gate he connects her lie about bubbling Bismuth with the hypocrisy of her shattering Pink Diamond while punishing her friend for suggesting it. It’s a problem that was at the forefront of my concerns when the news of the shattering was first told, and while I felt vindicated in the show talking about it at last, it sucks that this didn’t lead to freeing Bismuth to continue the conversation. He’s just getting revved up, but I’m not sure I’ll ever get past how Bismuth was left high and dry for so long when I assess the show as a whole.

The real meat of the rant involves Steven isolating Rose’s biggest flaw. It’s visible from the second episode of the series, which revolves around Steven looking for a cannon that Rose could’ve told her friends about before passing: she has trouble telling the truth. Sometimes it’s negligence, as with the cannon, but often it’s deception. It was so ingrained that Pearl interpreted it as a sign of great leadership in Rose’s Scabbard, and Garnet’s obfuscating attitude before her character development kicks in could be read as an influence of the old boss’s style. So it’s about time that Steven out and calls her a liar.

I love that after so long worshiping Rose, Steven does a full swing in the opposite direction when forced to confront her imperfections. He’s not interested in seeing anything from her point of view, but assumes the worst possible intentions: we go from her causing harm (which is certain) to her intending to cause harm (which is probably not the case) to Steven worrying that he only exists as the ultimate escape option (which is definitely not the case). Even though Rose Quack counters this last point with calm grace, and Steven seems to accept that the tape was telling the truth, it’s hard to trust a character defined by mistruths. We’ll see in Lion 4 that even though he lets her off the hook at the end of the conversation, his doubts persist.

Regardless of the details, Steven’s fate is set. Whether or not she meant for it to happen, he did inherit Rose’s messes, and because his martyr complex has taken root, he’s all set to sacrifice himself at the end of the season. He took the big step in addressing how awful his situation is, which is better than letting it fester the way it’s been doing for sixteen episodes, but the step is perhaps too big. There’s a balance he has to reach for him to truly be happy, but it’ll be a while yet before he finds it, because he’s a fourteen-year-old kid.

After such a heavy episode, it makes sense that we end with some hope. Steven sorta oversells a sense of surprise that all four members of his immediate family have returned, but he’s been through a lot so I’ll cut him a break. We get pizza with the wrong topping, but as Greg predicted in Keystone Motel, Steven has learned to accept all pizza.

Perhaps the most important aspect of Storm in the Room is that it actually sticks. Mindful Education seems to be the start of a new outlook, and Steven does start looking for more answers after futzing around for a bit, but a more apparent shift takes place here that it’s gonna take a while to pull out of. He’s not trying to find the truth anymore, because the sheer scale of untruths surrounding Rose makes real answers seem impossible; plus, the last time he tried his dad was almost stolen forever. So for now, he’ll have to settle with sulking. Thank goodness the show makes it interesting to watch.

Future Vision!

Steven’s discomfort with Rose’s portrait never really goes away; after a couple of years, he decides to store it in Lion’s mane at the end of Rose Buds.

We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!

A heavy episode, gorgeously paced and directed, but honestly it’s such a bummer that I don’t watch it that often, and the conclusion with Steven’s living family feels just a bit too cute for this to crack the top of my list.

Top Twenty

Steven and the Stevens

Hit the Diamond

Mirror Gem

Lion 3: Straight to Video

Alone Together

Last One Out of Beach City

The Return

Jailbreak

The Answer

Mindful Education

Sworn to the Sword

Rose’s Scabbard

Earthlings

Mr. Greg

Coach Steven

Giant Woman

Beach City Drift

Winter Forecast

Bismuth

Steven’s Dream

Love ‘em

Laser Light Cannon

Bubble Buddies

Tiger Millionaire

Lion 2: The Movie

Rose’s Room

An Indirect Kiss

Ocean Gem

Space Race

Garnet’s Universe

Warp Tour

The Test

Future Vision

On the Run

Maximum Capacity

Marble Madness

Political Power

Full Disclosure

Joy Ride

Keeping It Together

We Need to Talk

Chille Tid

Cry for Help

Keystone Motel

Catch and Release

When It Rains

Back to the Barn

Steven’s Birthday

It Could’ve Been Great

Message Received

Log Date 7 15 2

Same Old World

The New Lars

Monster Reunion

Alone at Sea

Crack the Whip

Beta

Back to the Moon

Kindergarten Kid

Buddy’s Book

Gem Harvest

Three Gems and a Baby

That Will Be All

The New Crystal Gems

Storm in the Room

Like ‘em

Gem Glow

Frybo

Arcade Mania

So Many Birthdays

Lars and the Cool Kids

Onion Trade

Steven the Sword Fighter

Beach Party

Monster Buddies

Keep Beach City Weird

Watermelon Steven

The Message

Open Book

Story for Steven

Shirt Club

Love Letters

Reformed

Rising Tides, Crashing Tides

Onion Friend

Historical Friction

Friend Ship

Nightmare Hospital

Too Far

Barn Mates

Steven Floats

Drop Beat Dad

Too Short to Ride

Restaurant Wars

Kiki’s Pizza Delivery Service

Greg the Babysitter

Gem Hunt

Steven vs. Amethyst

Bubbled

Adventures in Light Distortion

Gem Heist

The Zoo

Enh

Cheeseburger Backpack

Together Breakfast

Cat Fingers

Serious Steven

Steven’s Lion

Joking Victim

Secret Team

Say Uncle

Super Watermelon Island

Gem Drill

Know Your Fusion

Future Boy Zoltron

No Thanks!

     6. Horror Club      5. Fusion Cuisine      4. House Guest      3. Onion Gang      2. Sadie’s Song      1. Island Adventure

[dcomposing]

jumin route rewrite???

ive had.... Issues with jumin's route since the first time i played it and im waiting out a 3 hour layover which means its time to self indulgently fix all of those problems right now in excruciating detail

for the record, i dont mean any disrespect towards cheritz -- i love mysme dearly and this is purely a self indulgent experiment to see what my ideal jumin route would have been! if you like his route as is thats totally fine! it just wasnt for me lmao

this was super fun to write and if this picks up i might do another route rewrite (and i might do it even if it doesnt because it was just that fun lol)

anyways this is REALLY long (literally its like 3k words all in outline form) so its gonna go under the cut lol

okay so: issues i had with jumin’s route that i want to address:

it moves WAY too fast — i mean all of the routes do to a certain degree; they’re only 11 days long but like... you’re literally engaged to him by the end of it which iirc, is something that is only replicated in seven’s normal ending (and even then i think its only implied?) and i get that the point is that jumin goes all out for the people he loves and is VERY certain that he loves you but it just feels... way too soon for my liking ESPECIALLY because you’re his first love! it just makes it feel like he’s caught up in the rush of being in love for the first time and isn’t thinking things through which... isn’t exactly the making of a great relationship lol. so for this re- write we’re gonna slow it WAY down because... oof. 

the sarah and glam plot line happening concurrently with the mint eye/possessive jumin one makes the route feel overly busy. i actually have a similar issue with the echo girl/mint eye overlap in zen’s route but that’s a topic for another day lol. so i’m gonna try to delineate between the two a bit more so there’s less overlap.

SPEAKING OF possessive jumin lol... maybe its just my Personal Background bleeding in, but possessiveness is a really big red flag/trigger for me and i felt like it went WAY too far in his route. dgmw, i understand that its meant to be a character flaw and something he’s meant to overcome but i just feel like there are simpler ways to show that side of him without it becoming... as scary as it got. i wasn’t sure how to deal with it though -- i think it would best be expressed through smaller actions and the minutia of dialogue with the others (e.g. jumin refusing to send a photo of you into the chat room when zen asks if you’re alright, locking up elizabeth, etc.)

the canon first kiss with jumin happening both without your explicit consent AND just to drive sarah away is.... icky to me. especially because he MAKES EYE CONTACT WITH SARAH while kissing you??? i hate that cg lol. it just takes what should be a moment about the two of you and turns it into him using you to prove a point and i don’t like it at all. it’s not romantic and it feels... out of character for jumin to use someone he cares about like that. i have similar issues with the proposal happening right after he exposes glam and sarah. so lets make the kiss more genuine and nix the proposal entirely because it happens too quickly for comfort anyways.

with all of that in mind, i decided a fake dating plot would probably work best (and like i said, this is self indulgent and i’m a SUCKER for fake dating stories sooooo). it makes sure we hit all the beats of the glam/sarah plot line without shoving him and the mc into a relationship too quickly. it also means we can keep their first kiss as a big “fuck you” to sarah, but this time mc gets to be 100% in on the joke AND they get to have a “real” first kiss later on! that’s two (2!) kisses for the price of one folks.

i also decided that in order to streamline the plot a bit, the glam and sarah plot should end earlier, allowing for the mint eye plot to take center stage instead of being shoehorned in around a larger love triangle plot line. also glam and sarah are annoying and i don’t want to deal with them for six full days. the only downside is we don’t get to see v dunk on sarah at the party :-(

in lieu of a proposal for the necessary Big Romantic Gesture at the party, i thought it would be nice if jumin whisked you away from the party to paris or somewhere far away for a ridiculously extravagant first date literally in the middle of the party. not only is it ridiculously grandiose in and of itself, but in abandoning the party halfway through, it shows that jumin has grown into a more relaxed and spontaneous person through knowing you! he’s ready to throw caution to the wind and have fun with you (plus, Big Romantic Date cg!!)

day 5:

VN mode where we essentially get the exact same scene of chairman han telling jumin he wants him to marry sarah to make the merger with sugar round go more smoothly BUT this time jumin blurts out that he’s already with someone and that he didn’t want to go public with it yet. he assumes his father won’t press further, given that they’ve always had a mutual respect for one another’s privacy, but at glam’s insistence, chairman han says he wants to meet jumin’s partner. oh no!

jumin laments his situation to the rfa, resulting in pretty typical responses. zen laughs, yoosung is sympathetic but also kind of wishes it were just that simple for him to meet a wife. jaehee is worried that the inevitable fallout of this will result in more work for her. everything is business as usual until seven is like “ur so rich why don’t you just pay someone to pretend to date you lolol” and jumin (being, well, jumin) runs with it 100%. because they don’t have time to vet candidates (they’re supposed to have dinner with his dad tomorrow night!) he decides it should be someone he knows, but the majority of the other rfa members are already acquainted with his father via rfa events, making it more likely that he sees through the ruse. mc, however, has never met him, making them the perfect candidate! who would have thought lol

so they decide to move you into the penthouse that evening BUT before that can happen, they have to clear it with v because bomb, hacker, mint eye, etc. (yes this is how i’m choosing to do the bomb reveal lol). bonus, v gets to chide jumin about his dumb lie and we get a fun bff conversation with them!

final VN where you show up to the penthouse and you and jumin establish the parameters of your “relationship”. you decide that you’ll both sleep in his bed, just in case a cleaning staff member walks in and notices that he and his partner sleep separately and it ruins everything. establish what physical contact is and isn’t cool, etc, etc. you also decide that when the time comes, you’re going to tell his dad that the entire debacle with sarah put so much strain on your relationship that you had to break up. the hope being that chairman han will feel so bad about ruining things for jumin that he won’t try to force him into something like that ever again.

days 6-8:

you have dinner with his dad and answer pretty typical “meeting the parrents” questions. he asks what you guys did for your first date and jumin tells a 100% fake story about taking you to dinner on top of the eiffel tower and kissing you beneath the stars and the chairman is satisfied. that doesn’t mean that glam and sarah are though. they decide to do some sleuthing to prove that you guys aren’t really dating.

this is the fun part where we get to hit most of the beats of ur typical fake dating story! you and jumin get to know each other really well, albeit kind of superficially (favorite foods, fun childhood stories, etc. etc. nothing too heavy yet.) you guys cook together for the first time, cue cg of jumin with like... idk tomato sauce on his cheek or something. you watch a movie together and elizabeth falls asleep on your lap and jumin dies on spot idk

this is also where your first kiss happens, and pretty much in the same way except its much more mutual and he doesn’t look at sarah this time because his focus is on trying to make it look like he doesn’t even care that she’s there because you’re the only thing he cares about. (which.... isn’t actually hard for him to do at all)

chatrooms are pretty typical for this timeframe — you guys all know the drill. the other members are like “wow they seem really close” and speculate on whether or not you guys are actually together. zen is worried that jumin is going to force himself on you (wolves, etc.). yoosung is jealous that jumin gets to hang out with you. jaehee is upset that jumin is neglecting his work.

VAGUE mentions of weird activity on the messenger, but nothing too serious sounding. just enough to make jumin nervous -- esp with sarah and glam on his back still. this is when he locks elizabeth up. 

 day 8, the chairman learns that sugar round is worthless and that glam and sarah have been duping him the whole time. they’re disgraced and are never heard from again so... problem solved but this also means that you and jumin no longer have a reason to stay “together”... and you’re both kind of falling for each other so obviously that’s no good. you spend one last night in the penthouse before resolving to break things off officially in the morning. the other members talk about how sad you guys both seem to be parting.

BAD STORY END 1:

if you shy away at the fake intimate gestures (hand holding, hugging, etc), and pointedly answer incorrectly when asked a question about jumin that you should know the answer to, your ruse fails and you guys are caught faking the relationship. to avoid the scandal breaking to the press, jumin winds up marrying sarah anyways.

the branch point for this one would be right before the kiss scene, if you’re on track for the good end then the kiss happens, if not, you’re forced to shove him away when he goes in for it, revealing to sarah that you guys are frauds.

the cg would be him and sarah at the press release for their engagement announcement. sarah’s all smiles and jumin is... pretty understandably miserable looking. a reporter asks him about the other person he was in a relationship with prior to his engagement to sarah, and he reads off a line about how sarah captivated him like no one else ever could in an emotionless voice.

BAD RELATIONSHIP END 1:

if you do fine during the VN portions, but aren’t active enough in the chats, then the fake relationship plan works, but afterwards its just... really awkward. once the whole mint eye thing ends you’re pretty much just excommunicated from the rfa since you... didn’t really seem to like them all that much.

day 9:

a huge attack on the messenger happens, coupled with explicit threats directed at mc, sending everyone into such a panic that ending your fake relationship is the last thing on anyones mind. jumin is so fucking scared that he’s going to lose you, and muses in the chatroom about why he’s more scared for your safety than he would be if it were, say, yoosung being threatened (cue yoosung’s crying emoji lmao). everyone else is like “well clearly its because you’re in love with them”

anyways. they decide its for the best if you continue to stay at the penthouse and in spite of everything, you’re both... kind of relieved lol. 

everything is all fine and dandy until elizabeth III runs away, ramping jumins anxiety up to 11 like... right away

this is where we really start to see behavior more along the lines of what happens in his route, you suggest the two of you leave and search for elizabeth, and he refuses to let you go, etc. etc. 

it sort of turns into a fight, but it all works out in the end. he tells you about rika and elizabeth and why she means so much to him, and you guys talk about how fear of losing someone important to him can’t rule his life, and that its one thing to be careful, but another entirely to try to control someone else’s behavior because of fear. 

you convince him to get some sleep, assuring him that elizabeth will turn up soon and that he’s going to be alright. you guys fall asleep next to eachother without even thinking about it. its not until jumin mentions something about waking up next to you in the chat the next day that the rest of the gang is like “uhhhh,,,, why are you guys still sharing a bed”

MEANWHILE lol seven and yoosung arrive at mint eye and find elizabeth, just like what happens in canon. they decide to bring her back tomorrow.

BAD STORY END 2:

obligatory mint eye ending. if you’re too aggressive and forward with jumin and don’t give him time to properly process his feelings, he doesn’t offer to let you stay at the penthouse, relying on seven’s assurance that the apartment is totally secure (it’s not). saeran breaks in and takes you away.

this branch happens pretty early in the day, before elizabeth escapes.

i thought about a cg for this one but tbh... there are so many saeran and mc at mint eye BE cgs that idk what i could come up with that wouldn’t be super derivative lol

BAD RELATIONSHIP END 2:

again, because you’re only talking to jumin and not the rest of the rfa, he assumes that you don’t like being in the rfa very much BUT he still likes you... a lot and is very worried about your safety re: hacker, AND because he still hasn’t really dealt with his issues regarding v/rika/emotions, you guys decide to just straight up leave lol. you move to a different country where he can pretty much continue doing his work remotely while keeping you safe.

the cg for this one is the two of you in a different cushy apartment somewhere. you’re making dinner while he works. its... stable, but noticeably stiff. neither of you are talking much and his dialogue is pretty stilted. its pretty clear that he regrets abandoning his friends and is unhappy.

day 10:

3AM chat with zen where he speaks entirely in thinly veiled hypotheticals about you guys. (“well, if i thought i could have a shot with someone i really loved, i think i would take that chance and tell them, even if i might get shot down. and even if that person was a huge ass who my sexy white-haired best friend hated. i would tell them how i felt”)

seven secures the messenger again and the threat is declared neutralized! you’re safe to go home but neither you nor jumin want that at all.

yoosung brings elizabeth back around 9, and it proceeds pretty similarly to what happens in his route: he’s wary about taking her back because he feels that he’s mistreated her, you’re like “whoa buddy you’re going too far in the opposite direction here” and you and v have to convince hm that its going to be okay. the only real difference is that v doesnt also have to convince him to let you go. he just says something about how the two of you seem to bring out the best in each other, and that jumin is brighter when you’re around. 

later, jumin (tries) to make you lunch using the cooking skills you taught him a few days ago as a final payment (since you refused actual money) for all of your help, both with his father and with elizabeth, but he winds up ordering in instead. its very cute BUT its super awkward because neither of you has said anything about not wanting to leave.

finally you have to face the music and pack your bags. you hug jumin goodbye and make him promise to still get lunch with you sometime before heading back to rika’s apartment sadly.

everyone is like “yo what the fuck???” and its actually yoosung of all people who is finally like “this is ridiculous. you two clearly have feelings for each other and you need to deal with it” 

jumin is absent from most of the chatrooms for the rest of the day  though, so he doesn’t really see anything until he forces himself to log on later that night and is like “oh”

and YES of course this is going to culminate in a typical romcom scene where he has driver kim race to the apartment so he can pound on the door and apologize to you and tell you how he feels!! maybe it even happens in the rain just to maximize romance. the important thing here is that you finally kiss him for real this time and its perfect.

BAD STORY END 3:

pretty much jumin’s BE2, if you werent assertive enough with him re: his possession/control issues on day 9, he never gets over them. when elizabeth is returned he locks her back up and insists that you continue to stay with him as well, canon BE2 ensues.

i gotta hand it to cheritz. its a really good bad ending and theres not much i wanna change about it. its so scary in a calm sort of way, which i think is the perfect vibe for a dangerously unhealthy jumin. if only people would stop fetishizing it lolol

party (GE ver):

you and jumin mingle with the guests and the other members for a bit, but as the evening goes on, jumin gets restless. he pulls you aside and tells you that, while you did a wonderful job planning the party, he can’t help but regret that your guys’ first

date is technically a work function. especially when the fake first date you told his father was so perfect. he then decides that the two of you have been there long enough to fulfill your obligations, and that no one could really begrudge you if you “took off” a little early. you guys fly to paris that night and have that dinner on top of the eiffel tower.

the ending cg isn’t a kiss one, but a more simple, sweet one of the two of you in a dimly lit restaurant, jumin listening to you talk with the most tender, loving look in his eyes.

party (NE ver):

you and jumin mingle with the guests and the other members for a bit, but as the evening goes on, jumin gets restless. he pulls you aside and tells you that, while you did a wonderful job planning the party, he can’t help but regret that your guys’ first date is technically a work function. especially when the fake first date you told his father was so perfect. he laments the fact that if he was caught shirking responsibilities to take you on a real date, the press would have a field day with it, but promises to make it up to you, and take you out on a proper one tomorrow.

this cg is the two of you dancing at the rfa party, jumin resting his chin on the top of your head and daydreaming out loud about everything the two of you could do on your real first date.

[bestrapeeshop-blog]

RAPÉ - ENCYCLOPEDIA

Rapé (pronounced "ha-pay") is a snuff that's originally used by indigenous tribes from Brazil. There are many different types of Rapé, all with different herbs in it. The main component, however , is always tobacco of an variety called Nicotiana Rustica, which contains a high level connected with nicotine. Due to the stimulating effects of nicotine, Rapé has an positive effect. The tobacco plant is sacred to the native Brazilian tribes, who usually sniff this plant with powdered form. Sometimes, the tobacco gets soaked around water, after which they sniff the infusion. Smoking using tobacco is unusual to them. Herbs that can occur in Rapé include things like cinnamon, camphor, mint, tonka beans, banana peel, appreciation flower and clover. Sometimes, Rapé contains psychoactive crops as well. Azarius offers several different blends, put together with some of your favourite herbs. Lately, Rapé has been getting increasingly popular inside Netherlands. It's often sold through online retailers. Due to its stimulating effects, people sometimes use it as a recreational substance. The number of Rapé ceremonies offered in the Netherlands is growing vastly. In this article, below take a look at this substance in more detail. We'll discuss the history, quantity and usage, as well as risks, We will also discuss the Rapé blends that are sold by Azarius. HISTORY Rapé has been used since tobacco was discovered, which is in relation to 5000 years ago. The indigenous people from the American prude were the first ones to inhale, chew and ingest the plant. About 500 years ago, when Columbus returned to help Europe from his expedition to Amerika, the Europeans first encountered tobacco, and therefore Rapé. The Franciscan monk Friar Ramón Pané, who returned with Columbus on 1493, was the one who brought Rapé to Europe. Often the oldest European report on the use of this product dates by 1723. At the time, the way Inca's used Rapé to treat a number of respiratory diseases and to 'purify' the head was described in writing. It also described how the Inca's used the substance for many several ceremonies. Rapé was used to make inner journeys and bring to mind visions. It was considered a medicine that could take undesirable energy away. However , it was also used in a social and recreative context, just like we take coffee nowadays. Rapé has only recently been introduced into Dutch nightlife. Several years ago, a new scene developed, of people who want to live in an increasingly pure, healthy and conscious way - whilst even now enjoying life. To them, things like raw cocoa, coca leaf of tea powder and Rapé are healthy alternatives to tricky drugs, which increases the popularity of Rapé in this 'health community'. HOW IS RAPÉ MADE? The strong tobacco, identified as Nicotiana Rustica is chopped into very fine portions before it's hung above a fire to dry. After that, the item gets pulverized with a pestle made of rosewood, which gives the actual Rapé a nice, sweet flavour. The commercial snuffs that happen to be currently on the market are not always made with such a pestle and can miss this authentic flavour. After grinding, it is sieved and ground again. This process is repeated until a very fine powder is left. Rapé contains nicotine. Rapé is absolutely not suitable for smoking, and (unlike cigarettes) doesn't contain almost any chemical additives. Therefore , it damages the body way a lot less than cigarettes do. It's also less addictive since many chemical preservatives in cigarettes are addictive and unhealthy. RAPÉ SCHEDULE During a rapé ritual - in which nothing but Rapé is needed - the ceremonial leader first determines who needs which blend. After all, everyone has their own needs. The protocolo leader tunes in and gets through who requirements which kind of rapé. Afterwards, everyone expresses their intention: 'For what purpose do you follow the ceremony? What do you want to get an answer to? ' After that, the ceremonial leader blows the particular personalized rapé-blend into the nose of each participant. The use of Rapé results in a strong stimulation of the mucous membranes, which can be seasoned as a hard, internal slap. This intense blow brings about the mind to open up, allowing the set intentions to try and do their work. Rapé helps the user to let go with emotional, physical and mental illnesses. It releases negative energies and confusion. Shamans use Rapé to reconnect with their bigger self, which is said to connect them to the Holy Energy. Tobacco contains two other alkaloids: harman and norharman. These alkaloids are closely related to harmine and harmaline, which occur in Ayahuasca. Tobacco, therefore , enhances the effect of Ayahuasca. Both substances are therefore inextricably linked during these Ayahuasca rituals. Rapé is also often combined with other shamanic ceremonies, such as a Kambo- or sweat lodge rituals. RAPÉ BLENDS There are many different types of Rapé. Azarius offers the following combinations: Bobinsana Rapé gives a warm, empathic feeling. It can also encourage lucid dreaming. Caapi Rapé provides a dreamy, trance-like outcome. Caapi is a key ingredient of the Ayahuasca mixture. Seeing that explained earlier, both plants enhance each other's results, because of the similarity in the alkaloids. Caapi Rapé is a very robust blend. Matico Rapé contains Cecropia and Matico ashes. Due to its antibacterial properties, matico is used in the Amazon spot to help wounds heal faster. This blend helps to minimize respiratory problems. It is also used as a stimulant and aphrodisiac. Rapé Guayusa is a natural energizer. It gives you a long-lasting, energised feeling. For that reason, this blend is ideal for dancing or performing. It is also said to induce lucid dreaming. Rapé Wildmint possesses a strong refreshing aroma due to the mint. This blend comes with a deep sense of silence. Rapé Guarumo has a exciting effect. It also helps you to relax and have better sleep. Rapé Macambo Passion Flower is a powerful, invigorating formula. Its content has finely ground macambo bean, which is closely related to typically the cocoa bean and smells delicious. It also boosts your personal serotonin level. Macambo gives you energy and lifts your mood. Rapé Kanna has a relaxing and socially stimulating consequence. Right after ingestion, it has a stimulating effect. After about an hour, the negative impacts are more relaxing. Some also experience an increased sensitivity to touch and an increase in libido. BIOCHEMICAL The main ingredient of Rapé is Nicotiana Rustica, which contains a high nicotine information of up to 5 %. When it's ingested nasally, the which can be enters the brain directly via the mucous membranes. At this time there, it attaches to the nicotine receptors, which results in a higher dopamine production. This will make you feel relaxed. In addition , the acetylcholine as well as epinephrine content also increase, making you feel more alert. [1] EXPERIENCE Taking Rapé for the first time is not always an agreeable experience. People who are used to sniffing other substances might find the issue less scary when they sniff Rapé for the first time. Either way, it definitely hurts your mucous membranes, similar to what inhaling a new snuff of pepper would feel like. Your eyes will begin to tear immediately. For some people, this first experience might be consequently unpleasant that they may refrain from further use. Others will probably experience this intense excitement as something pleasant mainly because, after the 'slap', a feeling of increased alertness immediately arises. It also makes you more talkative and you may experience an increase in creativity. Most people who continue using Rapé find that the painful practical experience is absolutely worth it. If you appreciate the effect, you may even start associating the pain with something pleasant. Most people don't like coffee or beer the first time they try it. Yet you can still be able to appreciate the taste of these drinks. The same goes for smoking your cigarette - hardly anyone likes it straight away. Because our body 'learns' that the bitter taste of coffee, often the somewhat bland taste of beer and the smelly smoke cigars of a cigarette is a sign of an emergent pleasant benefit, the body starts to experience it as tasty. However , negative physical fitness of a taste can also take place. For example , if you get very ill from a certain product once, you might dislike the taste of it from that moment on. Taste, but also physical experiencing, are only signals that indicate something is pleasant or upsetting - and thus, taste can be learnt. In the same way, you can learn to increase in value a pain stimulus. As a result, it can happen that the pain due to a medicine as a rapé is eventually experienced seeing that something pleasant - however strange that may sound. WORK WITH If you take Rapé, you can use an elongated hollow tube for bamboo or bone and have the Rapé blown up your nasal by someone else. A straight tube is called a Tepi. It's very important not to inhale while getting the Rapé administered. Just simply sit down, relax and breathe slowly. Don't exhale way too hard . to prevent getting Rapé in your eyes. When the Rapé is definitely blown into your nose, you can choose not to breathe for a while. In the event you keep breathing, the herbs may end up in the as well as, which will make you cough like crazy. This is very unpleasant and should be avoided. By using a V-shaped tube it is also possible to self-administer the exact Rapé. This self-applicator is called a Kuripe. Stick just one end in your nose and put the other end in your mouth, in that case blow gently. The great thing about self-application is that if you do so , you won't inhale it, so it generally goes well. DOSAGE Only some rapé mixtures are equally strong. However , it's not relaxing to have your whole nose stuffed with herbs. Therefore , you should never work with more than an amount the size of a pea. If you want to, you can take a whole new dose after one hour. MEDICAL USE South Africa's ancient people use tobacco to help to wounds to mend more quickly, combat ulcers and repel insects. It is familiar with reduce fatigue, pain, hunger and thirst, and to raise stamina. Rapé can also clean the airways. Many people notice that immediately after sniffing Rapé, they can breathe more freely and have a greater sense of smell. There are special Rapé blends that are used resistant to the flu, although this is mainly the work of other herbal remedies that are present in the Rapé. In high dosages, Rapé can cleanse the body by inducing sweating and sometimes even queasiness. The alkaloids in tobacco have an antidepressant and stimulative effect. Some claim that rapé can repair the pineal gland by decalcifying it. The pineal gland delivers melatonin, and thus regulates your sleeping pattern. It is also the third eye and is located in the centre of your mental. The pineal gland has an important function in the cns and is potentially involved in diseases such as Parkinson's and Alzheimer's disease. Although there is no medical evidence yet, there is a idea that nicotine from tobacco could help to control these ailments. This currently being researched. About 90% of schizophrenic persons smoke. They might do so as a form of self-medication. Because Rapé is far less harmful than smoking, schizophrenic people may benefit from using the tobacco plant nasally, in the form of Rapé, therefore avoid the harmful use of cigarettes. ADDICTION The riskiest matter about Rapé is the nicotine that the tobacco plant has. The risk of getting addicted to this substance is often underestimated. People who have give up smoking cigarettes for years and start using Rapé may unnoticedly get dependent on nicotine and might find themselves craving for cigarettes again. The experience of sniffing Rapé is in no way similar to the experience of smoking a good cigarette. Still, the substance that got you endlaved by cigarettes is present in Rapé. People like to sniff Rapé for a good reason, even though it has a painful effect on the mucous membranes. Some daily Rapé users even temporarily switch out to smoking cigarettes if Rapé is not available. It's clear that the substance should not be underestimated. The advantage is that Rapé is not really harmful - unlike smoking cigarettes. Rapé could, in fact , guide smokers quit smoking, in the same way as nicotine patches do. In place of smoking, one can use rapé to satisfy the need for nicotine. Outstanding over a nicotine patch is that Rapé, like smoking, gives you aware of your breathing whilst using it, plus that it will involve a little 'ritual'. These two things are an important part of cigarette dependency. A nicotine patch doesn't do either one of these stuff, which might make Rapé an even more effective way to quit smoking. Simply because rapé does not contain any additional addictive chemicals, quitting Rapé much easier than giving up smoking. So switching from tobacco to Rapé makes it easier to eventually quit nicotine fully. CONCLUSION In the Netherlands, Rapé is used as a ceremonial or even recreational drug. It is hardly ever used for medical purposes. I highly recommend you, be aware that if you use Rapé as a recreational drug, there is a likelihood of addiction. You might become increasingly dependent, and eventually, find yourself taking your on a daily basis. There are several known cases of people who have become dependent on Rapé. We should ask ourselves if this is really a problem. There are many local tribes where people use Rapé on a daily basis. They might get it right after breakfast to enhance their workflow, or after dinner, though having a conversation with each other. Rapé use is built into their interpersonal life. To them, Rapé has the same function as coffee does indeed for us. Coffee is also incredibly addictive, but due to the minimal health risks and the advantage of getting better concentration, this product is generally established. Perhaps the same should apply to Rapé.

[uriduriragwaenchana]

All of your attention pt1 || Wong Yukhei (f)

a/n: a very cute anon requested this a while ago. I'm sorry it took so long I was trying to make sure I had enough information on the subject to write about it😅thank you for bearing with me

genre: fluff! cafe!au Its a little dramatic but so am I so..

words: approx. 2.6k

summary: Why would he think ignoring him was something anyone could do on purpose?

☕

"I brought you help," He smiled with all of his teeth, his eyes squeezing shut as he tossed a look back to where he'd left the stranger, the new boy, petting the animals. That was exactly how it started.

Johnny had worked at the puppy cafe for quite a while before you'd been hired and he'd done a number when it came to marketing and advertising the small place, tucked away on the far end of a busy shopping district.

His face helped, he wasn't bad looking; he was actually quite stunning and he was even more charming and friendly once you got over thinking how people really weren't allowed to look like that-- coupled with the visual of his tall frame feeding and caring for small animals and making frappecionos with a towel over his shoulder-- well, you can imagine why there were always people in the store and a small line down the street.

Aside from that he made a mean cup of coffee and kept little cute flyers with him so that even when he was approached randomly or met someone at a supermarket or elsewhere, he'd hand it to them and smile and then they'd come running through the door the first chance they got.

He was sociable and easy to talk to and sometimes he invited his friends to watch him work, which usually consisted of them ignoring him and spending the afternoon playing with cute pups. They were wellmannered and just as goodlooking and made easy conversation with you when they weren't giving their undivided attention to the animals or when you tended to their glasses for refills.

The days when Johnny was off were noticably more quiet and easy going, which you preferred. Sure, you enjoyed his company but when it was busy, it was hard for you to concentrate and stay focused, and most of all it was hard to make out what any one of the customers were saying when there was soft music from the speakers, puppies barking and growling and chatter, with 'ooohs' and 'aaahs' directed almost always toward Johnny.

Oh and the puppies.

Today was no different, save for a few middle schoolers sipping distractedly on iced coffee with two, mild mannered labs sat on the seat next to them, eager for any sort of attention.

You didn't expect Johnny to come in today because he'd called in earlier about his practice running a little late and you most certainly did not expect for him to bring friends. Luckily you were facing the door, cleaning up after Yuki; the toffee coloured shitzu, otherwise you'd have missed the little bell on the door ding and Johnny coming in, followed into the store by another giant boy with the biggest, most endearing eyes and an oversized blue sweater and messy, soft brown hair.

The puppies went straight for the stranger like they'd been waiting for his return (even if you were sure you'd never seen him before) and started licking and wagging excitedly as he ran his hands over them, eyes alight in jovial delight.

☕

Ever since then, the tiny, fairly profitable puppy cafe had had a new addition to its staff. Lucas-- who reminded you so much of Sushi, the doe-eyed beagle mix that always found the strangest assortment of accessories from god knows where around the store and dropped them at your feet-- wasn't much older than you were and probably half as capable. He was a clutz and a little bit of a ditz and you suspected that it was that naïve charm about him that was so endearing to the customers. They never seemed to get mad or impatient with him when he mixed up an order or put a little too much sugar in the drinks and he drew the younger kids in by the boatload. The coffeemaker was his nemesis and the trio of pugs that were brought in by one of the usual customers-- a high school boy with soft smiling eyes and beautiful lashes--named Blondie, Raven And Carmine respectively, always made his life miserable.

You would admit, however that Lucas was kind of cute. His hair was always a fluffy storm, like he'd ran his hands through it too many times in one second. His hands dwarfed the puppies and most of the kitchen appliances and utensils. His mannerisms were also kind of adorable; he mumbled a lot to himself--which you found out when he was training, and only because you'd been looking at him directly. He was asked to make a basic iced coffee and when he moved behind the counter to begin, immediately started the inner and sometimes outer conversation with the appliances. You could read his lips but at some point you'd decided there were multiple languages involved and you wouldn't try to decipher that.

Overall, very cute.

He wasn't however, as articulate or friendly as Johnny; who now spent more time out of the store now that Lucas had begun his shifts more regularly. He'd been a recurring staff member for a little over two months now and during that time, Lucas hadn't tried speaking to you unless he had to and tended to side step you altogether. You hadn't minded at first, you were a little shy about certain things about yourself and it was fine, if only a little hurtful but you weren't going to make trouble unless he was being rude.

You were perfectly content to remain cordial colleges; you each had your routine duties-- he took out the trash and cleaned the dog's sleeping area, you cleaned and stacked chairs on close up and took care of the counter and kitchen area. You both fed and cared for the animals and washed the dishes in peaceful silence-- and you were comfortable enough in his presence to get through the day without major upset. Until one day he broke part of the coffee machine and you'd decided to make the executive decision, after calling Johnny and talking about it for five minutes; to close up shop about an hour early, put the pups away to their little room in the back wih sufficient food and toys to entertain them, and try to fix the machine since it only seemed like the lever had detatched itself in Lucas' all-encompassing grip.

"What do we do?" his hands found their way into his hair as he turned to you when you'd came back, shoving the phone into your apron.

"We can try to fix it, no biggie," You assured the little big baby standing and staring, absolutely distraught. He was truly adorable.

It in fact, was a biggie and before the minute of faux repairing was up, there were more loose parts than you knew what to do with and very little idea of what to do next. You did not want to call Johnny with this information. You wanted to believe you were more than capable of doing this on your own. You were not inept; the coffee machine was Lucas' enemy, not yours.

☕

Some time during the next half hour, Lucas had managed to find a toolbox in the storage room, the cafe had been closed for much longer than you'd have liked and both of you were still no closer to fixing the machine than you'd been when you started. Your patience with the contraption was starting to wear a bit thin and Lucas was visibly agitated-- kind of the first truly negative emotion you'd seen him express.

"This isn't working," you didn't hear the metal wrench clank against the tile countertops, but you did see Lucas plop down into the plushy seat Johnny had purchased at a flea market and stuck behind the counter for 'atmosphere', his full lips pulling together in an exaggerated pout. "Oh geez, its all my fault too."

"Not really." Yes really... "You've actually been doing really great so far," You were not entirely sure what prompted you to respond, honestly. He wasn't speaking to you, but you'd managed to make out what he said and he looked like very much like a wounded puppy. You wanted to at least lessen whatever he was feeling and your heart may have lurched a little when he looked up at you from his seat, eyes wide and a little bit of a smile dancing at the corner of his mouth.

"I mean you put a little too much effort in sometimes but... " you rushed, letting the sentence hang and turning away as your face began to sear, back to your task at hand. If you looked him in the eye again you were sure you would crumble and right now, you wanted nothing more than to fix the stupid machine and get back to work.

There was a beat before you felt movement at your back and spun, immediately met face to chest with Lucas' mass of body.

"You're doing it again," he said crowding your space like it wasn't even yours to begin with. Everything was a blur and before you realised what had happened, your lower back was met with a lever on the machine and you were sandwhiched between the two, confused and flustered. Your most innate reaction was to try to put some space between the two of you. He was much too close; you could practically feel his body through his clothes and your brain was starting to dissasociate with this personal space nonsense. You forced your hands up though, and angled your body away as best you could without impaling yourself further on the now, broken coffee maker.

"Doing what?" you sputtered, trying to keep eye contact with him somehow so you could try to pick up what he was saying but also trying to regain some of your composure. Lucas wasn't having any of it though, completely oblivious to your struggle as he tilted his head to look down at you.

"You're ignoring me. You've been doing it since I got here; I try to talk to you or ask you questions like when we do dishes and stuff because I'm really trying and this is really hard, but you keep ignoring me and I'm kind of hurt and annoyed." His eyebrows furrowed and he was pouting again. You were very hyper aware of all his facial details and not the not so subtle changes in his expression; the unreal process of a frown glossing over his features was kind of mesmerising.

Why was he so... pretty?

He was too close.

Your breath got stuck in your throat and you froze as the implications of what he had said dawned on you. Of course Johnny hadn't told him; he was too kind, too Johnny. He would want your business to be your business. He would let you confide in Lucas on your own like you'd done with him. A very small part of you kind of wished he had told him so you wouldn't have to go through this again now, but you realized that potentially would have been worse than his entrappment. Apart from this being the most he's ever said to you-- well now you knew that probably wasn't true-- you had a good few of reasons to be taken aback.

Why would he think ignoring him was something anyone could do on purpose? Surely he was aware of how large he was; physically and personality-wise as well? This did seem to explain his occasional mild standoffishness and you thought back to all the times your back must have been turned to him and he'd probably tried to say something to you.

Poor kid; he was trying his best and struggling and he was just trying to talk to you or make a friend. You wanted to facepalm but your hands were keeping you alive so you settled for groaning softly. Would apologising even help?

Not if you weren't going to tell him.

You swallowed another groan and attempted again to put some space between you. This time Lucas got the message and took one tentative step back. That did nothing, but it was enough for you to bring a hand up to brush some of your short hair behind your ear, revealing the tan aid you had in today. You didn't usually wear them, but you were kind of glad you did because now you didn't have to focus on explaining, just keeping the anxiety and embarrassment from showing on your face. People very rarely cared, most did however and decided against any type of relationship with you because of it.

"I don't ignore you on purpose," was all you could get past your lips at this point.

Lucas retook the space he'd just barely given you, reaching a hand up and out to you. You held your breath; your first instinct again, to move. Move and then panic although the latter seemed to sprint ahead first. What if he was trying to touch it? You were not an animal. And you were going to  muster some annoyance to tell him off or at the very least move away, but his hand stopped short, grazing your skin, stroking your cheek ever so lightly before he pulled back half second later. He was staring and all that served to do was make your skin hot and your knees waver in and out of stability. This was a very bad idea and he needed to stop looking at you like you were... normal. He wasn't staring at it, although he had briefly glanced, but rather he was staring at you, his eyes settling on yours.

"What?" you tried to keep the anticipation out of your voice. This was killing you. His eyes ran over your face endlessly, what he was looking for you weren't exactly sure. What you were sure of however, was how ridiculously easy it would be to stare at his eyes forever without wanting for anything else. They were so pretty and bare and screamed of his harmlessness. He could probably kill you if he hugged you too tightly and the damage he had made to coffee maker was minimal, but even if he looked like a threat to most inanimate objects and short people, you knew he was harmless. He probably just didn't know his own strength.

"So... you just weren't hearing me?"

You winced and dropped your gaze. This was so embarrassing and talking about it so casually was just making you want to crawl inside yourself. You weren't embarrassed to be hard of hearing, nor were you embarrassed of the aids; you'd needed them since you were very young, and you knew you weren't an anomoly-- there were tons of people like you and you liked yourself because of it, not in spite of it. These conversations were always uncomfortable though because you never knew what type of reaction you would get. You finally grew some balls and slid out from practically under Lucas, sliding across the edge of the counter. Now you could almost breathe again, although now there a was a familiar, Lucas-sized indent in your memory and on your body.

"Yea," you didnt elaborate or offer any types of explanation. Anything that would prolong this conversation was not something you wanted to do right now.

"Oh my god?" you and Lucas jolted, spinning around to where the voice of pure distress had come from. Johnny's large frame shimmied between the beaded curtain seperating the puppy room from the main cafe, his hair hanging low in his eyes and coated in sweat like he'd ran all the way from practice. He wasnt panting, but he was breathing raggedy as he stared between you both, who looked like you'd kick the shit out of the coffee maker and won. Secretly, you were ecstatic that'd he'd come despite you begging him to just let you deal with it. Even without knowing, he was saving your behind. "I thought you said it was just a lever?!"

[flutterbyhime]

So, like everyone, I’ve got some thoughts on Voltron Season 7. Spoilers inbound so... skip this if you still haven’t watched it. Which you should, because despite at least half the fandom acting like it’s the end of the world, season seven is actually pretty goddamn engaging. Like “oh, I’m just gonna watch the first three or so episodes and call it a night. I’ll watch the rest tomorrow.” followed by “It’s nearly three in the morning and I have finished Voltron season seven.” engaging

Okay. So I just want to give everyone a quick warning apart from spoilers, that I am not super used to writing reactions/reviews. Usually I just mule it over in my head, talk it out with some friends, and then that’s about it. BUT~~ since I’m the only one in group of friends that loves Voltron and I would like them to watch it at some point without certain story beats spoiled, I figured I would write out my thoughts this time. You know, try and put my thoughts, praises, and criticisms in a concise and constructive piece. And while I realize that some of the things I’m going to say are probably gonna invite some interesting...responses on my post or inbox, my first few browses of the Voltron tag haven’t actually shown constructive/concise criticisms outside of how the writers handled Shiro’s relationship with Adam (something that I’ll go into detail later. The actual relationship and what I think the text is, feeding on my first Voltron season 7 post, that is. The whole backlash to the writing I do in the next paragraph).

Which, speaking of how the writers handled Shiro and Adam’s relationship! First things first, I just want to say that I can see and understand why a lot of people are upset. Voltron has grown to mean a lot of things to the fandom, and with the news that Shiro is a gay man serving in the military with a long term relationship that was leading to marriage before Kerberous Mission was really exciting. It was fantastic to get a beloved character to be confirmed to be apart of the LGBT+ community. It still is in my book. The fact that Shiro has been through a lot of shit and still has hope and love to give to his newly found family already made him an amazing character. And with his confirmed sexuality, it’s like extra decorative and delicious strawberries on an already amazing proverbial cake. It brings that much more depth and interest in a character that could have very easily been a one note character. And for me, the confirmation announcement and the announcement that we would see parts of Shiro’s life pre-Kerberous was exciting. Of the core cast, the person we know the least about in terms of home life was Shiro. With everyone else, we either knew or learned some aspect of how their lives were before this grand space adventure happened. But we never really knew with Shiro beyond he took in Keith at some point and that he was a prisoner of a ten thousand year old war for about a year. So the glimpse of how he met Keith, came to took him in, and how his relationships were before leaving for Kerberous was a welcome story addition (also greatly needed from a character stand point in my opinion. Shiro was starting to get a touch...mythical). So with what we saw of Shiro and Adam was a fight about Shiro wanting to do the Kerberous Mission, followed later by Adam passing in a first wave offensive and later with Shiro realizing that Adam died, yeah... I see why a lot of people are upset. And if you are upset, I completely understand. You have every right to be upset. But here’s the thing.  Sending hate or being nasty to the writers and the cast isn’t going to help. What will help is giving actual feedback to Dreamworks and the writers. Whatever passion you feel for the show will come through, but an off the hip reaction doesn’t give someone a lot to go off of. Being calm and concise does though. Again, you can be disappointed and upset, but you can voice it in a way that doesn’t come off as an attack (which is what a lot of initial criticism read to me).  Joaquim Dos Santos, an executive producer of Voltron, wrote a wonderful open letter to the fandom addressing all this that you should read. A lot of it puts a number of things into clearer light.(https://twitter.com/JDS_247/status/1029181981572050945)  And I don’t want to get tin-foil-hat on you guys, but something tells me that the writers and producers had to fight to get ANY LGTB+ representation in, let alone confirm it. Which is sad, but Voltron is still a kids show. And I wouldn’t be surprised that some stuffy, out of touch white guys in suits said that you can’t do the gay thing because children can’t be corrupted or some similar bullshit. So be mad, be upset, be loud. But be loud at Dreamswork.  Honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if the writers and producers were showing all this backlash to the suits and going “YOU HAVE TO LET US GIVE THEM THE GAY FOR SEASON EIGHT. LOOK AT HOW MUCH THE AUDIENCE IS DEMANDING IT! THESE ARE THE PEOPLE BUYING THE MERCHANDISE FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!” Because I sure as fuck would.

And with that out of the way, let’s move on to some positive things!

This season was actually well-written. Were there mis-steps? Yes, but again (and getting a litte tin-foil-hatty here), I feel like certain elements were probably more studio driven than writer driven (looking at you Axca and your weird stares at Keith!). But overall this season was excellently written. The stakes were kept high, there was tension throughout, and the comic-relief episode was a wonderful play on fan headcannons (making Keith a terrible artists is something I’m still laughing about). And yeah, the last few episodes can be a little too similar thanks to all the action scenes, but at least the stakes were upped at each turn. And also, what better way to introduce the new big-bad than right after defeating Sendak?! It subverts the exception of a huge celebration with showing our heros that they may not have the chomps to fight against this new threat (which, let’s be real, it’s most likely Lotor and/or Haggar. If it’s not either of them, I will be thoroughly surprised).

One of my favorite things from season seven though is that is explores what happens after a major political leader of an empire is killed. It would have been so easy just to have another galra take the reigns of the Zarkon’s empire, but the writers went with the harder option of a bloody fallout. They showed a world/universe where people have formed their own factions and fighting for power, along with the mess that that creates. You honestly don’t see that a lot in fiction, let alone fiction aimed for younger audiences. 

And let’s talk about episode five for a hot minute. It’s been a long time since I was legit terrified from a children’s show. Like since Avatar: The Last Air Bender (that blood bending episode still gives me chills). The set-up and pacing is so perfect. Starting light before slowly turning tragic, which only leads to the sheer-terror of not only the situation, but of how brutal and cruel the universe has gotten in Voltron’s absence. With so little, it makes the viewer question of what’s happened to other allies of Voltron. And considering it follows the game show episode, it’s the hard left turn I personally wasn’t expecting. But I’m not going to lie, it’s probably my favorite episode of the season. Also, I legit started tearing up when Keith called Krolia “Mom” and they hugged. While I wish there was more mother-son moments in general when in comes to Keith and Krolia, I think that moment alone showed how much Keith has grown. He may still have some abandonment issues, but it’s clear that the trust he has in his family is helping him overcome that. That he trusts Krolia to come back and that he trusts his team/new family to be there for him. And I’m hoping we get that explored some more in season eight. (#MoreActualSpaceMomPlease)

There’s also the fact that they made the four years of Sam Holt’s time back on Earth engaging to watch. While I think we all knew that they were going to explain what Sam, the Garrison, and Earth in general was doing before Voltron arrived, I was worried how they would handle this. This is exposition that’s very easy to make clunky and a slog to get through. I was worried even when the first shot was “Four Years Earlier...”. Even with two episodes dedicated to some very important exposition, this is stuff that I think any writer can tell you is tricky to pull off. Yes, Sam is Pidge and Matt’s father, and we get the bonus of Lance’s sister Veronica (#BestBigSister #MoreVeronicaAndLanceSeasonEight), people who we’re emotionally invested in because members of the core cast are, but this is still focus away from characters we’ve gotten to know and love for six seasons.  These two episodes had to not only re-familiarize us with character we met briefly in season five, but had to reintroduce us to characters we’ve really only seen in episode one with brief cameos in various flashbacks, introduce us to both new characters and the command structure of the Garrison. And that’s a lot to do in less than a total of forty minutes. So the fact that it’s engaging and does not only that, but also clearly gives and raises the stakes for the rest of the season without ham-fisting it is impressive. We knew that Voltron was going to have to save Earth thanks to the trailer, but we didn’t know how dire the situation was going to be when we returned to Earth. Even though these were the episodes that Adam died, I still found myself emotionally invested.  If anything, its inspired me to write AU fanfiction where I take all the ‘humans are space orcs and Earth is a death planet’ ideas and put them in there, having Sendak and the Galra lowkey realize that the Lions of Voltron probably chose the most-level-headed humans to the be the paladins because fuck man, earthlings be terrifying and maybe we should leave??? (I’m serious about this bit. I’ve been going through all my saved screen-shot pins of them on pinterest and making note of which ones I want to use)

I like how we get to see more of the relationships between all of Team Voltron and the core casts’s family. I like that we got to see more of Hunk’s story and how Lance’s relationship with his siblings is very much the same as Keith and Shiro’s in terms of the emotional bonds (seriously, the paralles between Lance and Keith when their siblings (or if you’re a Sheith shipper, loved ones) are in danger is great. The Klance shipper in me is on the floor in tears crying about how these two boys will sacrifice themselves if it meant that their loved ones would live. Thanks for emotionally wrecking me on that Voltron writers). I love that we got to see Colleen Holt reunite with her husband and straight up go “FIGHT ME”  and win when Garrison command tells her she can’t stay because protocol, along with her being active in her own way. When she and Sam broadcast to their entire planet that an alien invasion is imminent, she doesn’t shy away from being the one to drop this bombshell. From the text, it appears that she fought long and hard trying to figure out what happened to her family long before Sam came back, I love that about her. She just wants to know her family is safe, or at least get some potential closure if their not, and she never backed down from that fight. So it’s great to see that reunion. And, quick aside, it’s clear from the visual text that she and Sam have a beautifully healthy relationship despite their years apart and they emotionally support one another. And I hope that we see more of that in the next season. And I’ve got high hopes for season eight for so many more reasons!

So now I guess I should address the one relationship that I said I would talk about at the start of all this.  Shiro and Adam.

Okay, so some of you may have already read my thoughts on an earlier post how how I didn’t believe we were going to get a tearful and heartfelt reunion between the two. (here’s the link if you want to read it in full: http://kirika-hime.tumblr.com/post/176794551537/okay-before-season-7-of-voltron-is-up-ive-got-a  It’s long, so sorry about that, but I’m going to be referencing it a bit here) And even with what little was given to us or even what could have been given to us, I can’t fully get behind Adam. 

Yes, we pretty much just got a fight, but hear me out for a moment. First things first, that fight, when you’re paying attention to it, actually sounds like a fight between two adults who care for each other and have been gone over the topic ad nauseam. Adam sounds tired. Shiro sounds tired and frustrated. The topic of Shiro going on the Kerberous Mission when his health is probably beginning to decline is clearly something that has truly strained their relationship. The acting and the animation show that with so little. And here’s the thing with that, it makes me asks a lot of big questions. If Shiro had stayed and they had gotten married, would that strain still be there? Would Shiro potentially resent Adam for convincing him not to go on the mission? If he does, does that strain begin to grow into a rift? What if their relationship was already showing some cracks in the foundation and they didn’t realize it? What if the fight and their split actually healthy for the two of them?  Would Sam and Matt still have gone the Kerberous Mission? And if they did, would Matt still even be alive? Would Sam find a way to escape? What about Pidge? Colleen? What happens to them? If Pidge is still demanding for answers, does Shiro demand for them as well? Does their relationship change? Does Pidge and Keith’s relationship change? Does Shiro get kicked out of the Garrison instead of Keith? Does Pidge still disguise herself And what about Voltron? Would the Blue Lion have been found at all? Or would Zarkon have found the others, including the Black Lion? Because if that’s what could happen, what does that mean for Allura and Coran? What does that mean for Earth? For Lotor and the Alteans he deceiving and manipulating? What about Romelle? What would have happened to her if Keith and Krolia never found her?

And I know a lot of these questions probably seem dumb and fanficcy to a lot of people, but I think they’re legit questions fans should ask. A lot of this story hinges on Shiro, Sam, and Matt going on the Kerberous Mission when you boil it down. So it’s important to explore how certain characters made certain decisions.  I don’t doubt that Shiro went on the Kerberous Mission to fulfill his dream one last time. He had no way of knowing that he was going to be abducted. But I’m positive that he wanted to be out in space one last time. I don’t think it was about breaking records, like Adam seemed to suggest. I think it was one man trying to get as much joy and fulfillment out of his life before he was fully confined by his illness. Shiro didn’t want to have any regrets when that time came. And possibly, he wanted to show Keith that even when the deck is stacked against him, he could still do amazing things. And it’s also selfish. Which is great because it gives Shiro a character flaw! And we can see how it shapes him when rewatching previous seasons. The guilt he feels from how he left things with Adam, of how he left Keith behind, probably drove a lot of his decisions and choices during his time as a prisoner and as the Black Paladin. Adam may have said that he wouldn’t be waiting for Shiro when he returned, but that still doesn’t mean Shiro wants him, anyone, to experience the horrors of war. Not when he potentially keep that from happening. As a Paladin, he can potentially redeem a lot of his perceived mistakes. That’s what makes Shiro interesting! (It’s also what makes him so difficult to write)

Adam is in his right to not want to put up with Shiro’s selfishness.  But I still hold from one argument from my previous post, that Adam gave up on Keith.

Now a lot of this is on assumptions and personal interpretation of the text (both actual words and visually) that’s been given to us, but I stand by that Adam gave up on a kid who needed him. No matter how you view Shiro and Keith’s relationship, Keith’s important to Shiro. He saw a lot of potential in a lonely child who, more than anything, needed someone to care about him beyond questioning if he was going to get into trouble or not. And as Shiro got closer to Keith, he saw a child who needed a family. A person who he could turn to when things started getting rough, for someone to be in his corner.  Keith at a young age was difficult to get along with, the first episode of this season showed us that. He’s closed off, kids his age don’t really want to take the time to understand him, and it seems that most adults aren’t willing to invest in the time to tease and pull out his strengths or see the kid that feels deeply for his loved ones. Keith has a lot of emotional baggage, and combine it with whatever possible galra childhood tendencies he might have that no one could have known about, you have a really tough job on your hands. And that’s what makes Keith and Shiro’s relationship so powerful. That Shiro was able to see the potential in him. Not just to be a great pilot, but to be a great and loving person. Shiro never gave up on him. 

But Adam did. Not once during episode seven or eight do we see Adam inquire after Shiro or Keith. Something that would have been so easy to include, and it never happened.  Adam no doubt was the first person Shiro talked to when it came to Keith (followed most likely by Sam, because, hey. Sam’s got two kids, he’s gotta know a thing or two about parenting overly-talented children, right?). He probably tried to get feedback, ideas, even confirmation on how he was interacting and raising Keith. And considering how close Keith and Shiro are, Adam definitely met and interacted with Keith.  Adam may not have fully agreed with Shiro pseudo-adopting Keith, but he saw how close the two were. He knew that Shiro was trying to give Keith the tools to succeed in life and get him out of a system that clearly did not care for him. And that could have been part of the reason why Adam loved Shiro.  Like I said in my first post, I fully believe that Shiro asked Adam to look after Keith while he was gone. I still believe that Keith acted similarly to Pidge in trying to get answers after Kerberous went belly-up. And I still fully believe that when Keith was kicked out of the Garrison and left homeless. And I still fully believe that Adam did nothing to help. Nothing that was given to us indicates that Adam tried to reach out and support Keith when Shiro disappeared.

In fact, I’m more angry at Adam now than before season seven was released. He understandably ended things with Shiro. He was tired of watching the man he loved putting his personal goals/desires before his health and couldn’t watch anymore. He told Shiro that he wouldn’t be waiting for him anymore. And I get that.  That sucks. Watching a person you love potentially destroying themselves hurts. The more you care about them, the more it hurts. But Adam, whether he meant it or not, included Keith in that. He cut Keith out of his life too. I don’t have any doubt that Keith tried to get Adam to help him in finding answers. Keith probably had his fair share of fights with Adam, trying to appeal to him that Shiro was too of a pilot for there to be an error, illness or not. That they have a right to know what happened to a person they love.  And Adam shut him out. He abandoned Keith. Whether it was to deal with his own emotional pain over Shiro’s disappearance or that he never cared for Keith in a similar way that Shiro did, I don’t know. But his response was to abandon a child he knew had no one. We get no indication that Adam opened up his home for Keith, or that he tried to find out where Keith went when he left for the desert.  And that’s what makes me angry. Is that Adam, whether he felt equipped to deal with Keith’s problems or not, abandoned a child who needed support more than ever. He didn’t have to care about Keith like a brother or a son, but he could have saw someone who was hurting as much as he was. Adam could have tried to talk to Keith and give him support. They could have potentially healed together over the loss of Shiro. But Adam let a young teenager, a child, feel abandoned once more and homeless on top of that. 

I can’t forgive him for that. Nothing in the text, via words or visually, indicates that Adam tried to help or be there for Keith. And I really wanted to like Adam, but what I’ve got to work with says otherwise.  Who knows, maybe season eight will prove me wrong. But until then, I just can’t.