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I Hate You, I Love You- part 5
Part 1. Part 2. Part 3. Part 4.
Summary: Christmas Day, and then some...
WC: ~3.95k
You must end up falling asleep against the redhead again, because the next time you’re coherent of anything around you, Melissa isn’t there with you. You peel your eyes open, and she isn’t even in the room.
“What the hell?” you grumble to yourself. Your silent question of where the woman could possibly be is answered when she walks into the bedroom with two mugs filled with coffee.
“Hey,” Melissa smiles at you. Her eyes are soft and her smile is sweet. “Merry Christmas.” She makes her way to you and hands you the mug with your drink once you’ve sat up enough to drink the coffee.
“Merry Christmas,” you sigh quietly as you blow over the steaming mug. You take a sip and smile. You’re surprised she fixed your coffee perfectly to your liking. “You know how I like my coffee.”
“Well, we did go over it a few times,” the redhead chuckles as she sits on the mattress. “But I also do have a good memory, you know.”
“I know,” you smirk at her. “I just didn’t think you would-”
“Y/N.” Green eyes are rolled at you. “I’ve watched you make your coffee everyday for the past year and a half at school. Of course I know how you like it.”
You enjoy your first cup of coffee in bed with your ‘girlfriend’ before you sigh and throw the blankets off of your body. You shiver immediately. Before you know what’s happening, Melissa is pulling an old Abbott Elementary sweatshirt out of her bag and offering it to you.
“I- I can just wear my own,” you stammer out. God, why is she being so nice to you in private?
“Just put it on,” Melissa tells you. She holds it out more aggressively, and you can’t help the tired laugh that comes from your lips. You take it graciously, and your colleague just gives a victorious smirk.
“Thank you,” you mumble as you throw the hoodie over your head.
The redhead nods. “Alright, we should probably get down there. Your parents were asking if you were awake when I went down earlier for coffee.”
You groan. “But I’m comfortable.”
“And you can get comfortable on the couch while you eat the cinnamon buns your mom made.”
You’re out of bed in an instant, running for the door. Melissa can’t help the way that she laughs at your excitement. “Hun, they’ll still be down there when we get there.”
“You don’t understand!” you call back. You’re already halfway down the steps. “These things are my favorite things in the world!”
The redhead just rolls her eyes and grabs your discarded mug from the nightstand on your side of the bed before following in your direction.
When she gets downstairs, you already have a plate of the sugary breakfast pastry in front of you. It’s a considerable stack, and green eyes just look at you, clearly amused.
“Did you forget something?” Melissa holds your mug up teasingly before making her way over to the coffee pot and making you another cup. When it’s finished, she comes over, and you practically pull her to sit in your lap. She makes a small noise in surprise before she smiles softly and wraps her arm around her shoulder to help balance herself.
“Open up,” you instruct as you cut off a piece of one of the cinnamon rolls. You hold it up to her mouth and wait for her to take the bite. When she does, you hear the soft moan she lets out, and- oh shit. That just lit a fire in you that you weren’t expecting. Holy shit, that was hot.
“Your mom made that?” Melissa asks through a mouthful.
You cough lowly, trying to extinguish the flame that her moan did to you. “Uh, y-yeah. Every Christmas.”
“I can’t wait to have this every Christmas with you.” It’s a hushed whisper, so nobody else would be able to hear it, even with Aunt Jo now at the coffee maker. She says it with so much conviction you almost believe her. You’re not quite sure how to respond, so you just lean in and kiss her lips. Somehow, this kiss feels more natural than the rest of them. It’s warm and soft, filled with a sleepy morning haze despite the caffeine already rushing through your veins, and you can taste the cinnamon glaze on her lips. This kiss too, lasts longer than the other quick pecks that you’ve shared over the weekend- this is a real kiss.
When you pull away, your cheeks heat up, and you giggle slightly. Melissa just presses your foreheads together and smiles before pecking your lips again.
That’s when your Aunt Jo clears her throat as she enters the kitchen. “Girls, we’re all very happy that you’re in love, but please… not at the kitchen counter.”
The shade of red that your cheeks becomes is about the shade of your ‘girlfriend’s’ hair. “S- sorry Aunt Jo.”
She just shakes her head in good nature. “No you’re not.” She fixes her coffee quickly before giving the two of you a wink and exiting quickly.
You look to Melissa and take a deep breath, clearly getting ready to confront what is happening between the two of you- this is something different than what yesterday was. But she just gives you a look that tells you, not now. Your coworker believes that you’re going to tell her to tone it down, and selfishly, she doesn’t want to. She’s treating you the way she’s wanted to treat you for a long while now, and she’s seeing the sweet side of you that doesn’t hate her. She doesn’t want to let that go- not quite yet.
And because you find yourself enjoying this little life that the two of you have right now, you agree with a soft nod of your head. You do pick up the plate in front of you and your coffee though and jerk your head in the direction of the living room. She picks up her own coffee mug and follows you in.
While you sit on the couch, Melissa goes for the blanket that you were using last night. She knows you were cold this morning, so grabbing the blanket while she’s still standing as opposed to sitting is a good choice in her opinion. She drapes it over your lap before pulling you in close as she settles in with you.
“Merry Christmas,” you greet your parents with a smile on your face. The redhead repeats your words, to which your parents give warm smiles.
“Did the two of you sleep well?” your father asks.
You nod. “Was just kinda cold. But Lis was there to help.”
“Finally found yourself a human furnace?” your mom chuckles. “Even in sweatpants, and your-” She catches a look at the Abbott sweatshirt with dates from before you were at the school. “your girlfriend’s sweatshirt?”
“How sweet,” Aunt Jo coos. “Sharing clothes. I remember always stealing my husband’s clothes… still wear them sometimes when I need a reminder he’s still here with me.”
Melissa just dots a few kisses to your hairline before stealing the fork from your hand and feeding herself a bite of your shared breakfast.
After breakfast, your parents bring out a few presents that they got for you despite the fact that you told them repeatedly you don’t need any Christmas presents anymore. They also managed to get Melissa a few little trinkets. Green eyes sparkle with appreciation for your family. You pull out the little gifts that you purchased for your parents and your Aunt Jo; they take them gratefully. And then they look to you and your coworker with expectant looks.
“We decided to do presents tomorrow,” Melissa explains the reason you don’t have gifts for each other.
The three older adults nod, and your dad has a smirk. “Don’t wanna get caught opening something ridiculous in front of us?”
You just put your head in your hands at what your father has just insinuated.
��Al!” your mother smacks his arm.
Christmas Day passes by in a blissful haze full of warm drinks, soft kisses, blankets piled high, and “A Christmas Story” on repeat. You allow yourself to fully relax in the presence of Melissa for the first time. It doesn’t feel like it’s for show- her kisses are longer, they’re sweeter, you feel like you crave them. If her arm isn’t around you or her hand isn’t somewhere on your body, you feel cold. But the second she’s back with you, you feel like you’re on top of the world. None of this feels like an act to you anymore, as much as you know it is. Because the second you leave your parents’ house and leave this fake life that you’ve created behind, Melissa Schemmenti will be back to the hard ass teacher that you love to hate.
After a day that passes by quickly, you and Melissa find yourself retiring to your bedroom for the night. And you that as much as you don’t want to let go of this, it’s all a fantasy- it isn’t real. At the core of you, you hate the redhead that you’ve spent the weekend with.
“Lis,” you sigh. “We need to-”
“Not tonight,” your grade level partner stops you from saying anymore. “Please.”
“You don’t even know what I’m going to say,” you counter.
She quirks her lips to one side. “I do. Can we please just… not tonight?”
You take pity on her and relent. “Okay.”
She gives you a grateful look, and then she’s crawling into bed. You climb in next to her, and you attempt to keep your distance despite the fact that you want nothing more than to curl into her hold and allow her to keep you safe in her arms for this last night.
Your dreams are quite similar to the ones you had the previous night, and you heart tells you unconsciously what you truly want in life. You want Melissa. You want all of the warmth that came with this weekend. You want to be the one who allows the rough and tough second grade teacher to let down her walls and show you a side of her very few people get to see- you want a life with her.
When you blink your eyes open, it’s four in the morning- at least that’s what the clock on the nightstand says. It takes you a few seconds to recognize the fact that both you and Melissa curled into each other while you were asleep. Once again, your two bodies have interlaced, and it’s hard to decipher where your figure ends and hers begins.
You press a soft kiss to her head, allowing yourself to stay in this sleepy stupor until your brain catches up to your body. But then it does and you slowly, as to make sure that she stays asleep, you untangle yourself from the redhead. You slip out of the bed and make your way over to the chair that faces the window. You lower yourself into it and take a deep breath before you begin to silently hash out your feelings.
You absolutely adore this sweet and warm side of Melissa that she’s shown you. You believe that even the side of her that is so hard and difficult to read wouldn’t even frustrate you as much as it used to because you feel like it’s a front at this point in your relationship with your colleague. To you, it seems as though her exterior protects the sweet side of her. Perhaps she’s been burned before, or maybe she was taught to keep that inside of her to protect herself.
Regardless, Melissa Schemmenti is not nearly as tough as she plays, and you feel honored to know that she has a soft side, even if it was for show. But then your mind wanders to the fact that she did and said a few things to you in privacy, or so quietly in front of your family that you doubt they could hear her- she allowed her true colors to slip through the cracks.
You don’t notice that tears begin to trail down your face- you’re in love with this woman. But she hates you- she absolutely detests you and everything that you are, at least that’s what you think. So, despite it being the last thing that you want to do, you make the decision that you will go back to hating the redhead as soon as you are out of this house. You’ve always hated her. It’s what’s expected of you at this point. It’s what you have to do. You have to forget about the last two days full of warmth and kindness and what you’ve come to realize morphed into a real love for the redhead. And it breaks you heart to the point that you feel a physical ache in your chest.
In all of your heartache, you also don’t notice the way that Melissa blinks her eyes open. She doesn’t see you laying next to her, and she assumes that you’ve just gotten up to go to the bathroom. But then she hears your quiet sniffles from where you’re sitting a few feet away, facing the window and looking up at the moon. Silently, the redhead makes her way over to you sighs softly.
You jump just slightly once you’re made aware of the fact that your coworker is awake and standing with you. You don’t even turn- just wipe away the tears on your cheeks. Melissa’s soft hands are on your shoulders, and she can feel how tense you are. She quietly begins to attempt to work out some of the tension that you’re holding.
“You want to tell me what’s got you up and cryin’ at 4:30 in the mornin?” You feel a kiss being brushed against your hairline- once, twice, and then a third time.
You allow her to, somewhat melting at her touch. But then you can’t quite hold it in anymore, and you burst out of your seat. The redhead jumps at your sudden movement, but she allows you to get up. You rush your way over to your bag and pull out the three hundred dollars that you know you owe her.
“Take it,” you huff as you hold out the bills aggressively. “Take it, and then we can go back to hating each other like we always do.”
Melissa frowns and shakes her head. “I’m not taking your money, Y/N.”
“What?” you ask her incredulously. “What the hell do you mean you’re not taking it?” You throw the cash at her.
She squats down and picks it up with a few grunts. She holds it out for you to take, but you refuse. “I won’t take your money because I don’t want it.”
“You? Not wanting money? That’s rich. Isn’t that why you did this? Came to my parents’ house with me for Christmas- for the money?” you hiss out. “You hate me, I hate you, and this is all just an elaborate lie for me to get my parents off my-”
“You’re so fucking stupid,” Melissa mutters as she folds her arms over her chest. “So fucking stupid.”
“I’m stupid? I’m stupid?” you ask her. “I’m not the one who agreed to come to a woman’s parents’ house when I hate her!”
“Have you ever considered the fact that maybe I don’t hate you?” the redhead asks you. “That I actually like you and enjoyed being here with you?”
You scoff. “You’ve always hated me- always hated new coworkers! We’ve never liked-” Your cut off because Melissa pulls you in for a kiss and stops your tirade. You’re frozen in your place for a few seconds before you kiss her back. Her hand finds its way to your cheek, and she cups it gently, a complete opposite of the way that she’s passionately kissing you. She pulls you closer by the waist with her other hand.
When air becomes a necessity, you pull away with eyes as wide as saucers. “Wha-?”
“I don’t hate you,” Melissa whispers. “I mean… I wanted to. But the things that I told your family yesterday about me fallin’ for you? That wasn’t a lie- not in the slightest.”
“What?”
Green eyes are soft as she looks into your own. “I never hated you, hun.”
“What?” you repeat.
“I wanted to,” she chuckles that soft warm laugh as her arms wrap around your waist and pull you in close. “I wanted to hate you more than I hated Janine at first- because I knew you were stunningly gorgeous, and if I at least hated your personality, you would be easier to avoid and not fall for.”
“You-”
“But then you hated me and weren’t afraid of me- wasn’t afraid to show it either,” Melissa chuckles. “And I liked that. Most newbies are terrified of me, but you weren’t. You had a fire in ya, and I liked that. So, to keep your attention, I pretended to hate you. The only way to get your attention was to be snarky and sarcastic- I’d rather have you hate me than not have you talk to me.”
“You’re-”
“Besides, it’s fucking hot when you’re all riled up and angry,” the redhead shrugs. “But I think I like the soft side of you more.”
“I- I-” you stammer out. “I thought you hated me this whole time….” you whisper, and then you lean over and kiss her again. “That’s why I hated you.”
“Like I said, I wanted to,” Melissa chuckles. “But I never did. You’re good at the job, the kids love you, the rest of the staff likes you. And you’re beautiful. What’s not to like?”
“So… you really never hated me this whole time?”
She shakes her head. “Nah. I like givin’ you a hard time though, don’t get me wrong. But it was kinda my way of flirting after a while.”
“You’re an idiot,” you laugh as you kiss her again.
“So are you,” she mutters against your lips.
You pull away again, and you smile as you press your foreheads together. “So…”
“If it wasn’t clear to you already, none of this weekend was acting for me,” the redhead tells you softly. “This is how I’ve wanted to be with you since you started.”
“I-” you hesitate. “How am I supposed to know it wasn’t acting though? I mean… I was dreading this weekend, and I- I fell for the sweet Melissa I got to see for the past few days, but if that’s not who I’m really going to-”
“Y/N,” your colleague sighs. She takes you gently by the hand and leads you back to the bed. The two of you lay down, and she holds you close. “I’m always goin’ t’be a South Philly girl, but I do have a heart and soul- wouldn’t be a teacher otherwise. I- I can’t promise that I’ll ever stop bein’ a sarcastic asshole, but I do have my moments of tenderness. That wasn’t acting. I’ve wanted to hold you and kiss you and stop having to pretend to hate you for some time now. I’ve loved this weekend- your family is something special, and I can see where you get all your spunk and sweetness from. I like it. I like you- love you, even.”
You bite your bottom lip and look at her in the darkness. “I- I like you too. And I think… I think there might be something between us that’s real.”
“I think so too,” Melissa mumbles against your head. “You wanna give it a shot? A real shot- me an’ you?”
A smile appears on your face. “I think I’d like that.”
Christmas the next year is a fun one. After beginning to officially date, you and Melissa fell head over heels in love with each other. This year, the two of you make your way up to your parents’ house as an actual couple, and not just as a fake couple. You’re fairly certain your parents are more excited to see Melissa than they are to see you; Aunt Jo too.
“Oh, it’s so good to see you again!” your mother pulls the redhead into a tight hug. Your girlfriend hugs back with the same fervor, although she does roll her eyes.
“I saw you last week, Nora,” Melissa quips. “But it’s good to see you too.”
“Came back for more?” your dad chuckles as he too hugs your colleague.
She nods. “I wouldn’t want to spend our first year as a couple anywhere else.”
Your eyes widen. You had never told your parents that last year was not real. “Second,” you quickly amend.
But Aunt Jo is too fast to catch on. “No, no. She said first.”
The two of you share a quick glance, and your lips form into a tight line before you sigh. “So… I have something to confess.”
Years later, you’re officially Mrs. Schemmenti. You have a beautiful little girl, Sara. She’s just turned two, and she couldn’t be more of a light in your life. But you’ve also finally gotten her settled in bed and asleep. You and your wife are laying on the couch together as you usually do after a long day of teaching and then coming home to handle your own little tornado of a child (you often tell the redhead that that part of your little girl comes from her entirely).
You’re admiring your engagement and wedding rings before you look to Melissa’s. You don’t get to look at hers for long though, because you hear your baby crying from just up the stairway, and you sigh.
The redhead just buries a kiss in your hair before promising that if Sara doesn’t settle, she’ll go up. And the crying doesn’t stop, so you feel yourself being shimmied off of Melissa five minutes later before she heads up the stairs. A few moments later, she returns with your baby girl in her arms.
“Oh honey,” you instinctively reach for your daughter.
“Baby girl just wanted Momma,” Melissa rolls her eyes playfully as she hands over the little one. “Never Ma, always Momma. Ain’t that right, Sara?”
Your daughter just gives a toothy grin as she lays her head on your shoulder.
Where you would normally lean into the couch cushions to attempt to soothe your little girl to sleep, you sit up straight, and your brows furrow.
“What’s wrong, mi amore?” your wife asks in concern. This is so unlike you.
You shake your head and smile. “I just got this… this feeling of deja vu. Like I’ve lived this moment before.”
“Maybe you dreamt it,” the redhead offers as she cozies up to you on the couch and begins to run her fingers through your little girl’s wispy hair.
You think for a few moments before you know why you know this moment. “I- I had a dream about this moment that first Christmas we spent together… it was this moment.”
“You mean the Christmas we pretended to be together?”
You nod. “I- wow. I should’ve known then and there that I was going to fall in love with you.”
“And instead, you denied your feelings like an idiota,” Your wife laughs before she presses a kiss to your head.
“You were an idiot too,” you fire out, but the glimmer in your eyes tells her that you have no ill-intention with those words.
She shrugs. “Hey, I still got the girl, didn’t I?"
You roll your eyes as you purse your lips for her to kiss you. Of course, she does. "I guess you did."
And just like that... this sweet little fic is over. I hope you enjoyed!
Xoxo -Janey
TAGS: @schemmentis @thesapphictimelady @marvel210 @itisdoctortoyousir @morgana-larkin @doesthatsuggestanythingtoyou @marvels--slut @sweetcheeksschemmenti @megamultifandomtrashposts @lemz378 @http-sam @melissaschemmentisbranzino @imaginesmultifandoms @sexysapphicshopowner @lilfartbox1 @maybe-a-humanbean @imlike-so-gaydude @a-queen-and-her-throne @notinmyvocab @melanielaufeyson @dvrkhcld @cosmichymns @sasheemo @m1lflov3rrr @ricejucie @temilyrights @emilynissangtr @squinnchy @dopenightmaretyphoon @emeraldoceansstuff @shinyfaerielights @blkmxrvel @marvelwomenrule @sarahjohannson @casualfoxwitch
#melissa schemmenti fanfic#abbott elementary#abbott elementary fanfiction#abbott elementary fanfic#melissa schemmenti#melissa schemmenti x reader#melissa schemmenti x you#melissa schemmenti fanfiction
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raspberry delight
pairing: hongjoong x female reader
warnings: smut under the cut so MDNI; established relationship; sub joong, dom reader, sex toys, restraints, blindfold, gag, orgasm control/denial, cock slapping (just a little, as a treat), crying, brief oral (m receiving), nipple play/biting, is there such a thing as precome play? now there is; aftercare
a/n: ah what can I say. I’m a huge sub!joong enthusiast 🤠 this one is a bit rushed but honestly I just couldn't wait to post it. I might rewrite it later though!
word count: 1.7k
divider by: @cafekitsune
It’s getting increasingly harder to stop yourself from bringing him over the edge. The sight of him lying before you, so open and vulnerable, is nothing short of a temptation straight from hell. Or a gift from heaven.
His forearms are brought together over his head by wide leather restraints (firm, yet smooth and soft, sure not to leave any traces when he goes to work), which are in turn chained to the metal frame of your bed. A soft black blindfold clings to his face perfectly, preventing him from seeing any of your moves, the anticipation of your next touch making him squirm. The firm rubber bar between his teeth is not letting him close his mouth completely, drool escaping both corners of his lips, while he’s sobbing so beautifully for you. His abdomen is tensing rhythmically, covered in a shiny sheen of sweat.
His legs are spread open so invitingly, displaying his hard cock resting against his soft stomach. You wish you could just make him cum over and over again, with no time in between, but you pace yourself for both of your sakes. You know he enjoys this just as much as you do. You know he sometimes wishes he could just be your good little toy forever instead of bearing all of that responsibility on his shoulders.
“Aren't I being nice to you?”
You reverently run your palms over the soft skin on the insides of his thighs, and he’s so sensitive that even this light touch is causing him to sob and shiver. His whole body trembles, making his aching cock jump a little.
You’ve played with him for so long already, there’s an impressive pool of precum on his stomach, his bellybutton overflowing with it. You dip your fingertips in it and bring them to his puffy pink nipples, just as sensitive from your play as the rest of him. When you lightly squeeze them with your fingers, he starts whining and thrashing on the bed, almost knocking into you with his knees and even more precum dripping on his stomach. The chain rattles against the bed frame when he strains his arms.
“What’s wrong, baby?” you coo and let go of his rosy buds.
He sniffles wetly, and you can tell that the blindfold soon is going to be soaked in his tears. He tries to say something through the gag, but it’s barely coherent. His mouth moves when he tries to swallow the spit but can’t help the way it escapes his mouth, running down his face and onto the pillow under his head.
“What’s that, hun? You want to cum?”
He nods frantically and sobs again.
“Hm…” you pretend to think, smoothing your hands down his sides. “Just hold on a little more, baby.”
He sighs resignedly as you lean down and gently take one of his nipples in your mouth, the bitter taste of leftover precome exploding on your tongue. You make sure to be gentle when you suck on it, and he moans softly, thrusting his hips up, trying to rut against you, or anything, really; that’s how desperate he is. You move your lips lower to bite and suck at the supple flesh of his chest under the nipple, squeezing the other one with your hand.
After you’re sure there will be a noticeable mark on his chest, you push his hips down to the bed with your hands and lean away, sitting between his legs and admiring your work. There’s no feeling better than having him beneath you like this. While he’s writhing on the sheets, you smile to yourself thinking about how the tip of his overstimulated leaking cock reminds you of a bright plump pink berry, creating a beautiful contrast with his honey toned skin.
Something comes over you, and you do the thing that wasn’t on the menu tonight, but his surprised gasp is worth it. You lean down to press slow kisses along his length, making sure to keep the touch light as to not end this too soon. It’s warm and firm under your soft lips, his scent making your head spin and in a moment of weakness you want to abandon all of this, take him in your mouth and then have him inside. Instead, you take a deep breath and pull yourself together; but not before giving his cock a slow lick from the base to the very tip, which earns you a pretty whine from him.
You bring your hand up and gently tap the head of his cock with your fingertips a few times before lifting them slowly, watching a string of sticky precum stretch and eventually break off, causing him to thrust his hips up again in search of friction. The chain rattles again, like an alarm of his desperation. You take him in your hand and press the tip of your thumb into the wet slit, rubbing it insistently, enjoying all the different sounds you pull out of him. You crave more of his soft cries and whines. The blunt nail of your thumb digs into sensitive skin and he cries out, voice highest it’s been this whole session. You wonder for a second what the neighbors are going to think. Well, it’s not like you and Hongjoong ever tried very hard to keep your preferences secret anyway.
You shush him and rub soothing circles on his sides with your palms.
“It’s alright baby. I’ll give you what you need now.”
You pick up the pink vibrator lying on the bed next to you, turn it on the lowest setting and lightly press it against his aching cock. He sighs and very predictably thrusts up to rub against it but it’s just not getting him there. The soft vibrations are just enough to keep him in this perpetual state of stimulation, but with no release in sight. His frustrated whimpers are music to your ears.
“What’s wrong again? Is this not enough for my baby?” He shakes his head side to side, and you know that if he wasn’t wearing a gag, he would be pouting his hardest right now. “You can’t come like this? Are you sure?” He nods, whining and trying to swallow again, the sound of it mixing well with his wet sobs.
“Alright, well…” you sigh, contemplating while your other hand goes to massage his balls rather roughly, making him whimper. “I suppose, you’ve been a good boy tonight…”
He fights against the gag between his teeth to get the words out.
“Yeth.”
“You deserve your reward.”
“Pleath.” He breathes out, the promise of release making him all giddy.
“Do you want my hand or the toy?”
He’s silent this time and his cheeks grow even pinker than they were before.
“Both?” You gasp in mock surprise, and he nods weakly, ears red. “Greedy boy.” You lightly slap his cock and his whole body jolts with a cry. You watch it bob against his stomach, messy with unfathomable amount of precome and try to stop your mouth from salivating so much.
Even though you just reprimanded him, you bring both the toy and your hand to him. You situate yourself securely between his legs, turn the toy on the middle setting and press it to his tip. He moans loudly as his body goes tense. You wrap the other hand around him an start moving it applying the pressure you know he likes best. He’s full on crying now and chanting “please, please, please” through the gag, hoping you will actually let him come this time. You keep the pace of your hand and pressure of the vibrator steady until his breath catches in his throat.
When the orgasm finally arrives, it hits him like a freight train; he arches his back off the bed and clamps his legs together, trapping you between his thighs. Thick viscous ropes of milky cum shoot across his abdomen and chest, almost reaching his chin. You remove the toy, still softly moving your hand through his orgasm.
“That’s it, good boy, look at you.”
He comes for so long with his whole body taut like a bowsrting, you even get a little worried.
When he’s completely spent and you’re sure his oversensistive cock has nothing left to give, you move your hand away. He collapses back to the mattress, catching his breath.
Still sitting between his legs, you turn your head to the side to kiss his knee and run your hand down his thigh.
“Hold on, sweetheart, I’m going to clean you up, okay?” you murmur into his skin.
He manages to hum in agreement and you get up to grab the pack of wet wipes from the nightstand. You clean him up as gently as you can before discarding the wipes into the little trash bin next to the bed. After that, it’s time to remove the restraints.
You sit on the bed next to him and you take the gag off first, unclasping the little belt on the back of his head, and then put it on the nightstand. He sighs in relief, finally swallows properly and licks his lips. You caress his cheeks and the corners of his mouth, which are slightly sore.
“That’s it, baby, you’re okay,” you coo placing loving pecks on each corner of his mouth.
Next are the restraints on his arms, which you fist unchain from the bed frame and then remove from his forearms to place next to the gag. You rub his wrists even though they’re not really sore, and run your palms over his arms. When you slowly remove the blindfold as well, your heart clenches with affection when his puffy red eyes meet yours.
“Hey,” he whispers.
“Hey,” you reply, petting his hair with your hand. “You’re with me?” You caress his cheeks, wiping his tears away.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” He smiles up at you. He pulls you down by your t-shirt into a gentle kiss, his warm dry lips moving against yours.
“You did so well, honey,” you move away shortly to mumble into his lips before going back to kissing him.
“You too,” he pecks your lips. “Thank you for doing this, you’re so good at it.”
You lie next to him more comfortably and go back to slowly making out.
“No, thank you. For being such a good boy for me.”
#kim hongjoong smut#hongjoong smut#hongjoong x reader#ateez smut#ateez x reader#hongjoong x y/n#ateez fanfic
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heroes | percy jackson
ღ percy jackson x daughter of hypnos! reader ღ warnings: :) ღ wc: 692 pt 1 - pt 2 - pt 3 - pt 4 - pt 5 - pt 6
The days that followed were awkward. The trip back to camp was awkward. They didn’t look at each other, didn’t speak. They couldn’t be in the same room for more than two minutes without her wanting to escape.
And it was entirely her fault.
She stepped into her cabin, wanting to fall into bed and sleep until the next day. Or, better yet, the day after –perhaps then she'd recover the naps she hadn’t been able to take.
But, to her surprise, she wasn’t alone.
There he was, lying on her bed. She could see he was in his pajamas, his hair messy and breathing so slowly it almost felt like he wasn’t breathing at all. He seemed so at ease, so peaceful, so much like before.
She could only snap.
Tears welled up before she could hold them back, flowing faster and stronger than ever. Each drop hit the floor like a moment they might have shared, a word they could have said.
Her sobs must have roused the boy, who sat up in bed, a sleepy expression on his face as he stared at her. Her vision was too blurry and weak to see him clearly, but he appeared to be just as heartbroken as she was.
“I- I am so sorry” Her words were shaky and barely coherent, but the boy understood them perfectly. He was sorry too.
She wanted a hug, sweet words, for him to wipe her tears away. Percy stayed where he was, trying to give her space.
"I fucked up everything. I was afraid when I realized how much I love you, and how much I need you, and I didn’t know what to do." The tears kept flowing as she uttered the only words she didn’t want to say. “We can't be together, Percy”
He was furious, frustrated, mad. He couldn’t decide whether he wanted to push her away or pull her into his arms, whether he wanted to never speak to her again or kiss every inch of her body.
And though he wished things could go back to when she was just his best friend, the one sleeping beside him all day and unaware of his (and her own) feelings, he knew he had to give it another try.
“Why not?” he dared to say, without taking her eyes off her trembling figure. "What makes you think that?"
“I’ll be mean, and you’ll get tired of me” No. Percy couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Getting tired of her?
Without her, something was missing, something was off.
He made his way toward her carefully, checking if she was okay with it. His hands traced her face, and he smiled without thinking as he felt her skin after so long.
“You know that is not true. None of that bullshit it's true" She shook her head, and he nodded. She pouted, and he smiled. “We love each other, and that's a fact.”
“Nothing would keep us together” she knew he understood; the others, their stupid opinions, her own insecurities…
But was she being honest with herself? Was she really unwilling to give everything she had to spend the rest of her days with him?
“I don’t believe that. We can try”
He didn't release her face as he pressed a kiss to her forehead.
“We could steal time.”
A kiss on her cheek.
“Just for one day.”
A kiss on her other cheek.
“Please.”
Their noses brushed together, their breaths merged, and their bodies inched closer without even trying.
Their lips were so, so near.
And she nodded. Because she depended on him, she adored him, she hungered for him. She ached for him. Her body yearned and craved for his company, his hugs, his kisses, his touch.
She wanted him.
Without a second thought, their lips met in a soft, warm kiss. His hands pulled her closer as her fingers tangled in his hair. The world around them seemed to freeze, granting them more time, more peace.
And the kiss became desperate, raw, and yet somehow full of sweetness.
Every part of them connecting, as if they were finally where they belonged.
heroes >>>>> any other song IT FINALLY HAPPENED AAA I COULND' STAND WIRITING MORE ANGST maybe it's rushed because i NEEDED them to kiss but i don't care
#percy jackson x reader#percy jackson#percy jackson x you#fanfic#pjo x reader#percy jackon and the olympians#percy jackson x y/n#my writing#percy jackson imagines
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Ah this is cringe as heck for me, but screw it, the last ask you got about a person not feeling much sympathy all for Peppi-No really was great, kudos to the OP of that comment since it really got me thinking, why even if I agree what the dude is doing is awful... I actually feel pretty fucking bad for him XD.
Like, I think we can all agree we've done shit in our lives that wasn't great, and that doesn't diminish the harm done or the fact other people have gotten hurt from our own stupid decisions. I also just think sympathetic villains are so interesting. (when done right, and hell you could argue even if he is the protagonist of the DMW AU, Peppi-No is a bit of an anti-villian) it really makes you think about the fact its so normal for people do try to avoid the consequences of their actions. I'm sure everyone has done something bad and instead of admitting fault have doubled down and tried to save face because they were SURE they could "fix" it without getting hurt from it.
Sure most of the time, (...I hope) its not as bad as murdering a person and taking on their identity... I think there is something really human about wanting to not get hurt, and feeling like shit about regrets we've had.
I think that Peppi-No even if what he doing is wrong, still... I dunno I can empathize. I mean.. he's sooo sowwy 🥺, its kinda pathetic, like a more extreme version of a puppy that just destroyed something important to you. Like "awww... you asshole, you're so cute though but goddamn it..."
I both am loving the angst of this AU and know its going to be so cathartic to see Peppi-no finally deal with his lie blowing up in his face and suffering MORE >:). I feel sympathy yes but I also love angst hehe.
(sorry if that wasn't super well worded? I don't normally send things like these >//>)
I assure you, it’s not cringe! It’s nice to see both sides voice their opinions!
Personally, I’m pretty divided on how I feel about Peppi-no. Part of me wants to strangle him for what he did (and what he might still do*cough* ), but at the same time, he’s,like you said, a sad, pathetic "sowwy" puppy, and I can’t help but feel bad for him.
When he took a piece of Peppino, he may have gained a conscience but not emotional maturity. He’s like a kid who just realized he fucked up in the worst way possible and is terrified of the consequenses. And fear can drive people to do terrible things, after all. Before that, his entire existence was just scrambling around, making pizzas out of whatever he could find: pigs, other clones, pizza monsters. He ended many lives, that but never faced any sort of repercussions. Never got a chance to learn "murder bad" ,
Then he takes a bite out of one of the kind Peppino—bam! Conscience, coherent thoughts, and memories of the guy he killed flood into his head. Can you imagine the whiplash, the shock, the stress? I certainly can’t.
Obviously, I’m not some dough doppelg��nger pretending to be someone I killed. That would just be silly… no, really, I’m not.. But I can relate a little to what Peppi-no’s going through.
And let’s be honest, how many of us would have the absolute balls of steel to admit we killed someone’s friend in cold blood? Sure, it’s the morally right thing to do, but… you know. I’m not sure I could. (Once again purely hypothetical scenario)
Peppi-no's actions are unexcusable, he should know better than this by now, but at the same time you can kinda understand why he acts the way he does.
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Why do so many Sonic fans hate the developers? Why do they think they are stupid? "Uuuh why is Chaos island here? It takes place in the future! Are they stupid!. Why are they trying to piss me off!?" Dude. These are Japanese people. The second country with the highest IQ in the world. Whatever the reason may be, it was was not done out of stupidity. At first, Sonic x Gen 'saved the franchise' but one week later it sucks because it didn't feature levels or elements that you SPECIFICALLY wanted to see? Wtf is wrong with you???
Oh but when Ian Flynn does something similar to this, it's not his fault. He's peak, and everyone that disagrees is stupid. Because SEGA ARE THE BAD GUYS
Wtf
"They're japanese people, they have a high IQ" is a bit much, but I understand where you're coming from and what you're trying to articulate. People have a bad habit of seeing something they don't like or agree with in a piece of art, and then jumping to the worst possible explanation they can think of for why it was included. Just being as bad faith as they possibly can, imposing malice or ignorance onto someone because of a personal subjective feeling they have to what was included in the artwork.
It's not unique to Sonic but since it's trendy to hate on the Sonic video games and Sonic Team and SEGA, it is amplified through that filter of culty mass hysteria.
I don't normally resort to doyalist explanations but in this case it really is the only one you can use - there weren't levels from Sonic Forces and Sonic Frontiers in the original Sonic Generations because those games hadn't been made yet. It's not like it makes any sense whatsoever to lump Sonic 2006, Sonic Unleashed, and Sonic Colors together as if they're a coherent era of Sonic. But that's a retroactive conclusion. Sonic Generations was made in 2011 (probably under a VERY short development time) and they worked with what they had. Shadow Generations was made in 2024 (also probably a short development time) and there were three whole new games worth to pull from in the time inbetween.
The idea of people being upset about its inclusion is so dumb and silly to me x3 For reference, this was my initial reaction to that level
When people ask why was Chaos Island included from Frontiers, they're asking the question wrong. They're asking "Why was a level from Frontiers included?" When the more interesting question is "why was THIS level from Frontiers included?" Why Chaos Island instead of any of the other Islands? There's probably multiple answers to that. I find it very conspicuous that they included the volcano erupting in the background during the level.
Meaning that during Shadow's level, Sonic was playing pinball. So the question of "why didn't Sonic see Shadow on Chaos Island?" is answered because we know where Sonic was during this part of Shadow's game. There's no lingering wonder about it. They didn't just throw Chaos Island into the game willy nilly, they spared the time to think about how they would make it make sense to say that Shadow was running around in that location during the events of Frontiers without causing a time paradox or contradicting what happened during that game. They didn't just throw an erupting volcano in as a set piece for no reason. They were not thoughtless in how they implemented this level.
The idea that Chaos Island being included took away a spot that could have gone to another level from Shadow 2005 or something like that is just silly. It reminds me of when people would get angry at Piranha Plant being added to Smash Bros. "THEY'RE TAKING AWAY A SLOT THAT COULD HAVE GONE TO DANTE!" That's not how it fucking works bro. This isn't the divine lottery. They're MAKING the game. Chaos Island being cut from Shadow Generations wouldn't mean that it would be replaced with a level from Shadow 2005 that you would want to be in the game. It would just mean the game woulda had one less level, lol.
But yeah I predicted people turning on Shadow Generations. I gave them too much time if anything, I predicted it would take at least a couple months. They didn't even make it one. Like I said and have said and will keep saying: these people HATE Sonic. The people who were saying "I've never been this excited for New Sonic stuff before! We are so back!" during the preview hype around Shadow Generations? They HATE Sonic. They are tourists. Scavengers who will pick daintily at the game and then leave it bleeding and gaping, unsatisfied.
And yeah naturally they are blatant hypocrites. More than half the reason they were initially so slavish about the game was because of Ian Flynn's name being in the credits. These people are absolute fucking cultists.
lunatics.
I have no doubt that the reason they're starting to sour on Shadow Generations is because Katie made a tweet which basically said "dude, this game isn't bloom fully formed from the singular mind of Ian Flynn alone" and then ABT had to latch on like a male anglerfish being absorbed into a disembodied pair of gonads saying that Ian Flynn didn't do nuffin and everything bad about the games writing is everyone elses fault and comparing Flynn to Jesus.
As soon as the memo started getting passed around that Shadow Generations isn't Ian Flynn's Sonic game after all, that's when the wave started to turn. It's very transparent.
They are a cult of haters pretending to be fans. Wolves in sheeps clothing. Naturally everything they say and do it insincere and psychotic.
#game as in the results of a hunt#I was using the word game as having a double meaning#fyi#sonic x shadow generations#sonic generations#sonic#sonic the hedgehog
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The thing is, I don't think the breakup was, per se, a bad idea if it was, indeed, a hurdle to overcome, a reflection of Tommy's trauma and insecurities and the fact that Buck sometimes overcompensates, makes impulsive grand gestures that may not be the right move. As drama and character journey - i.e. development with actual growth and a resolution - this could have been an interesting story.
BUT. If this was temporary and something to overcome, then there needs to at least be a hint at the possibility.
For example, instead of wasting precious screen time showing Eddie humping his couch cushions like my cat Lucky, they could have spared a few more seconds on Buck and Eddie sitting on the couch, Eddie asking, "So what are you gonna do?", with Buck replying, a little confused/clueless, "What do you mean?" To which Eddie elaborates. "I mean, you're gonna try to get him back, right?" and Buck would conclude, "I dun no. I'm not sure I can."
A small dialog like that would at least imply that Buck wants to get Tommy back, and that figuring out how to is going to be part of his journey in the following episodes. But for that Tim would have to a) actually care about coherent storylines and growth, and b) properly plan things through instead of just pulling most of it out of his ass.
Here's the thing: even if Tim and Co were always gonna go "PSYCH! Hahahaha you fell for our ruse" right this moment, it's too late. It was too late the moment they filmed the breakup with those lines and edited it that way and broadcast it. Because it showed exactly how little they understood what potential they had to tell a meaningful romance.
And all the things they said/did after? I know I won't be forgetting that shit anytime soon
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thinking about messi again
not the football guy but my oc who was hilariously named after him as a joke
them. theyre the sweetest bird in the world and i keep wondering whats become of them now and it honestly does make me cry a little inside
#this bird is like the kindest creature i have EVER made and oh my god they are so full of agony.#oc: messi#oc tag#i feel so awful for them. theyve been through so much#im just. imagine thinking you were some horrid person and it turns out that not only are they ruining everyones life but also you were#supposed to be the bandaid for it#it wasnt supposed to get out. and it still did.#they have such. idk if its survivors guilt really#not to say they are without flaws. because at times they have been pretty rough#them and bail. i think about them a lot. and the ship is just so nice.#qnd its just. wild. bc like. merci fucked a lot of shit up#and i guess like. yk. i made that. so i def feel responsible yk#and its just. the way im not bringing messi back almost feels like im killing them#theyll live on in my heart and others' im sure but. god it hurts#i guess it was a lil bit of a self punishment#but i also did want to work with something else#something i could try to make more coherent#that had more room to grow and what not and not be so constrained#its just wild bc messi is so me but also i feel like by now if they met me they would cry#idk why im having a fucking sad as shit revelation in the tags#we'll see. i suppose#i love them to death.#theyre prolly still the way the time went in the modern au tho. idk#i keep imagining this scene after the preboot ended. where messi and merci are standing in a traincar hall.#and it goes dark like that one post from ages ago#and theyre just looking at each other. yes theres that whole wilbur vibes here except we goin the opposite of revival#but i mean.#i think messis still in there.#they may be obtainable. for a price#thats all =)
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thoughts on thistle and yaad's dynamic that i vomited in the tags of another post but will now try to articulate here: they're not actually family, or at least they shouldn't be. not in a conventional sense anyway. framing them as uncle and nephew (even in a non-literal, silly fantasy world way) rides more on technicality than anything concrete.
what i mean by this is yaad calls thistle by name and says he and delgal were raised "like" brothers. he talks about thistle like he's an outsider imposing himself into the melinis' space, and it's clear that thistle was never legitimized as a member of the family. for thistle's part, though we don't know how he would treat yaad pre-demon brainrot, it's safe to assume based on the way he punishes him—turning him into a doll—and how little is shown in the way of any sort of relationship between them that thistle only cares* about yaad as an extension of delgal (otherwise i'd expect something like kabru and milsiril, because it's not like another complicated interspecies family dynamic would be out of place, yet there's next to nothing on them even in bonus content, just their scant interactions in the main story).
in essence, they're strangers to one another. thistle's desperation to preserve the illusion of a family, a model where he doesn't even fit, was the snare they were caught in for the past thousand years of stasis. yaad-as-nephew is a prop to uphold that illusion, and thistle is playing a role he's unfit to play. in the context of post-canon interactions, attempting to reconstruct that facade would only be a reenactment of trauma for them both (in a deeply compelling way i'd love to watch unfold, tbh), as that "uncle and nephew" framing places thistle in an implicit position of power over someone he's already traumatized through misuse of authority in the past, a role which also perpetuates his adultification and yaad's infantilization in turn. it'd mostly be an obstacle to any real connection.
best to burn the melini family bridge, i think, and if there's still anything salvageable left in the rubble, let something different supplant it.
#not to say i don't enjoy when they're portrayed as a weird set of uncle and nephew - that's really fun too#i think their history and shared connection to delgal would be a key element to their dynamic no matter what#and it's something they would tryyyy to make work at some point. for lack of other options.#it's not smn i take too seriously either! but thinking about it for more than 2 minutes makes me go oh yikes#i do think they could be family - i'm a certified sucker and sap so i want them to be - but#growth means moving past that more conventional way of thinking of family#side note as someone with a large extended family i DO have uncles who are younger than me lmao#but i'm viewing the whole uncle + nephew thing with thistle and yaad more symbolically for the purposes of this#additional note the fantasy age-fuckery and power dynamics at play means thistle has been in an actual position of authority#over his younger family members like any older relative would be in spite of his being quite young and immature#so. no. don't try to be his uncle anymore. and he isn't your nephew. and oh god he isn't your dead brother let it go. stop with the labels#don't try to resurrect that corpse (< writing them trying to resurrect that corpse as we speak)#not sure if these tags are coherent pero basta lang. yaad and thistle stay complicated forever that's all i want#feel free to chime in or disagree as i'd like to crack into this like crispy lechon and my opinions are subject to change#roomba media#thistle#yaad#thistle & yaad#melinis#dunmeshi#dunmeshiposting#dunmeshi spoilers#thistle dungeon meshi#dungeon meshi#edit: changed some inaccurate wording in this one whew. english
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zavijava info PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!!! PLEASEEEEE ZAVIJAVA COME HOME ... PLEASE .... umm um um ill tell you about umm . tma au im making for nastya if u tell me about her .PLEASE!!!!!!!
so she is definitely a star of some kind. i mean she is an angel but in that story in particular The Stars are kind of angels. like they’re otherworldly beings and they jus kinda hang out. cosmically. it’s a different dimension separated from the human one but like, obviously stars still exist for humans, they just don’t do anything crazy because the rules of the world dictate that their realities shouldn’t interact. angels can observe the other world from far up above yet they still exist on a different level. But tbh zavijava had never enjoyed the otherworldly ethereal whatever lifestyle—she just didn’t feel like she fit in there. she is a #1 humans fan though so she knows that’s where she’d fit in. so she does just that. she fits in perfectly :) and normally :) yay :)
#see the thing with zavijava is that there isn’t much info to share on her just on account of her being what she is#she is like a Concept trying to humanize and shove herself into a box#it’s like asking a rock what it likes. a rock can’t like anything it just sort of exists#that’s zavi babey#that’s not to say she doesn’t desperately try to like anything and everything . and that’s precisely what she ends up doing#she loves everything ! but she doesn’t really understand it or have a genuine connection to anything just by virtue of not being part of the#world. it’s like having a 6d being try to exist in a 3d space. very limiting. very incomprehensible for the 6d being#so her enjoyment of things (debatable if she’s even Capable of feeling Anytning) is artificial in a way#she is Uncanny Valley she reflects humans she does not really have an inner world or proper opinions of her own#so like she Does really love humans and everything about their world. but no specifics or a detailed understanding of them & it#as much as she likes humans she does not grasp their concepts like at all. Or only in a rudimentary manner#haze could explain to her why some people walk holding hands and she would be like Wow i guess that means we are married :) because we are#always together :) we can even hold hands too :) (she tries to hold his hand and he immediately starts seeing the hat man)#so yea. tldr. she’s more of a concept made character so there’s not a lot of Character Info on her#she’s more of a force#cramswering#idk if any of that is a coherent fucking explanation LOL she’s just kinda dream-like in that sense. idk#like yknow the way humans can’t truly comprehend eldritch beings or non euclidian shapes or whatever#the eldritch being in turn is not fated to understand da humans ….#& anyways for now the rest of the stars are aware that zavijava is Goofing but it’s not urgent enough to send someone after her. yetttt#tho hell dude 2 angels in the world would probably make it implode instantly so maybe that’s why they’re hesitant to do anything#also yea idk if this needs to be said but those angels arent tied to religion or humans really. they’re not guardian angels they’re just#Things that exist on a different Plane Of Existence. parallel to the human world#they watch over it but not in a guardian responsibility way#just sort of in a It’s Something To Look At way#ok yeah it’s 1:30am too by the way so i think that’s enough incomprehensible eldritch rambling#tell me about ur au boy
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#my art#my games#im trying to learn how to do these#i think i could make something much more coherent if i stuck with it
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something something rue who's been fed and sustained on blood since she was a baby something something two notable times we see her attempt to nurture her loved ones it's by offering them water
#something something rue and blood and water something something her relationship with her humanity#rue#princess tutu#fate.txt#look i know these must sound incredibly lazy but#i simply am not very quick or skilled with words#and frankly i could sit on these for months while trying to type up something that coheres#OR feels like a sufficient expression of the insanity i feel when these things hit me#like this i can just get it out and by merely hinting can convey so much more than with like seven detailed and specific paragraphs#not to mention this may prompt someone else to respond to this with their own thoughts#which pushes me to respond and elaborate on my own thoughts -#- relating to the specific angle they focused on#conversation helps me sort of. develop and put together my thoughts#if that makes sense#ANYWAys aco šalji tvit
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Who up listening to good luck babe by chappell roan and having it resonate not in the way intended but resonating nonetheless. About to go ham in the tags about the overlap of being a lesbian and being aromantic...if u even care....
#my art#gore#organs#its 2am so not a lot of this is going to be very coherent but this song makes me feel a lot of things about it all#like. its the Expectations#the expectation that im going to date men and the expectation that im going to date at all have always felt equally stifling#theres that feeling of not trying hard enough or not realizing it at first or trying to lean into what you're told you should feel#and having it not pay off time and time again and wishing you could just make it work#because everyone else around you has it just fine and you dont get why you're struggling with it so much#THERE ARE MORE SIMILARITIES BETWEEN THE TWO IS WHAT IM SAYING#like obviously figuring out aromanticism is especially weird because its a lack of something BUT THEYRE PRETTY SIMILAR#realizing I dont want to date anyone mirrors realizing I didn't like boys but like. idk man its worse sometimes?#I wouldn't trade it for the world it means a lot to me but its almost like people go out of their way not to understand it sometimes#at the end of the day I am the you in that song#it was a very very long road to being okay with never falling in love because that was something I wanted for a very very long time#at the end of the day I will never have to be someones wife and I think its better that way#but its also hard not to get jealous sometimes#like I know its irrational I know I get physically ill at just the thought of being asked out but like#sometimes ill see my friends with their girlfriends and ill feel like clawing my own chest out with want#but also if anyone asks me out I will have to dig myself into a pit and never come out. I think.#I want to be with women but I dont want to Be With Women if that makes sense#its another layer of difficulty that I dont think I'll ever be able to get past#I feel like at this point I should just be trying to conditioning myself out of any form of desire because its just not an option for me#which definitely isn't true and like chappell roan says. you'd have to stop the world just to stop the feeling.#but its also so tiring to have to sit here with the feeling and feel bad for having the feeling.#I dont know#I think if I felt a little more or a little less I’d be fine but I’m stuck in the middle#it feels very weird talking about this openly but also its very difficult to talk about with friends because most of them dont get it#anyways something something Josies monologue from bottoms#im going to bed
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we have an especially bad migraine where I noticed us getting aura (mostly being pissed off and upset in a specific way) for several hours before it started and we've taken pain meds but I'm not sure they've actually helped. they have definitely given us side effects though and I feel very spaced out and nauseous and generally shit.
we've also had way worse ADHD symptoms for the last few days to the point of being pretty much unable to focus on anything besides like 2 things we've hyperfixated on. we've had so much trouble starting tasks and keep struggling to hold a train of thought or focus long enough to even figure out what we need to do each day despite having all our Habitica dailies to tell us.
our brain is all over the place and I'm not really sure what to do with it or what would help but it's just occurred to me that sometimes our ADHD gets really bad in the buildup to some of our worst migraines and now I'm just hoping that both the migraine and other shit ease off soon because I'd like to be able to function
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#posts made on pain meds#I've spent like 6 hours drawing today because we fixated on one piece of art that I originally started as a joke#but I probably had other tasks to do and I don't know what any of them were and I tried very hard to at least make a list or something#but just could not hold a coherent train of thought and got really overwhelmed every time I tried to think of stuff I needed to do#so I gave up after a while because I realised my options were to keep trying and failing and just get upset and start dissociating#and end up doing absolutely nothing while feeling really bad#or just go ahead and draw for as long as I can handle because our brain's fixated on it and at least I'd be doing something#and it's also nice to actually be able to work on art for any length of time after having such bad art block so far this year#oh I did also shower shortly after we woke up which was our main big task of the day I think so that's something to be proud of#our tourette's has been bad and that made it surprisingly difficult and it was kind of stressful and exhausting but we did it#it's also just occurred to me that our tourette's and ADHD and a few other issues have all flared up together#followed by a particularly bad migraine which is a pattern we keep noticing and first noticed back in December#and all these issues are known to involve dopamine but I can't figure out what exactly is going on#when it happens we also start getting sensory overload way more easily
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i love it when shit happens in my life that dredges up old wounds and coincidentally im re-experiencing the media i intrinsically link it to cause then i get to remember exactly why i love it and find it so meaningful all over again. there's a fucking reason ill always say Berserk [& RGU] both came into my life at a perfect fucking time and holy shit they fucking resonated with me so hard and as much as life can suck ass and lovvves kicking me in the balls when ive just recovered from last time i a least get to remember how & why i love something so much.
#thebirdspeaks#ive been trying to make a coherent post about Berserk and specifically the duality of Casca and Guts as victims post eclipse#because there are issues but also it resonates so well with me regardless#i cant word it pretty but i think its something about Casca and Guts both being victims and responding in opposite ways#and because they are so tightly linked you can almost see them as one victim experiencing the duality of victimhood#as an internal struggle made into two separate people#i flip flop between who i relate to more in relation to my own trauma#and there is plenty to criticize with the writing choices around Casca dont get me wrong#but as much as people criticize her mind breaking and turning into a shell of herself that needs constant help as something entirely negati#i sure as fuck was not given that space and care to be broken#its very nuanced but i think so few people write victims sympathetically that as much as turning into a mess can appear overdone#being cared for and given space and help and being allowed to be a burden is a powerful thing#and i find the expectation to be strong in the face of what you went though is much more common and damaging to me#anyway as many issues as i have i think Casca being allowed to be a victim as much a she was is why i love Berserk so much and while i thin#it could be better if some things were changed#but im not sure if it would have hit as hard and meant as much to me when i was wobbling between mindless rage and want for revenge#and just being broken and tired and weak and scared#reading Guts protect Casca like he did#showed me that that part of me could protect and is better off channeling the mindless rage into protecting whats important to me and what#needs it#letting me demand protection and love and sympathy for my weakest self in my darkest hours#i know im far from objective & my opinions are not universal#but the fact Casca is allowed to be a victim so fully and not just a hashtag girlboss who struggles her way out#well i wouldn't call Guts a girlboss but actually i think that's why it worked.#because between the two they cover the two ends of the common depictions of victimhood: forced to stay strong and allowed to be weak#anyway im about to hit tag limit i love you f you read this far and if you think this is horseshit then please don't say#if you think im right and sexy about it pile the love on meee<3
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been thinking about Them so i redrew a screenshot to cope (it made me worse)
#tuco salamanca#nacho varga#better call saul#thinking is so bad - i need to stop doing it#desperately want to write something coherent about them - but i haven’t managed it yet so have this instead!#the way i drew Tuco in like 45 minutes and then Nacho took me fucking hours#and i’m STILL not fully happy with him!!!!!!#he looks so easy to draw and YET!!!!!!!!#i was trying to capture a lot of different emotions there too#bc the primary emotion is obviously that Nacho knows he’s about to betray Tuco and he’s worried about that… about something going wrong#but there’s also like. he’s watching Tuco do this stupid ‘lie detector’ thing - right?#and that’s probably really annoyed Nacho in the past bc - as he says - it makes what could be a very quick and efficient collections#take hours and hours#but now it’s like. this is the last time he’s EVER gonna see Tuco doing it and that’s Something - right?#because also you have Tuco scanning every dealer desperately for any sign of betrayal#and all the while the real danger is sitting right behind him in the form of the one person he trusts completely#it’s all just So Fucking Much#more people should be insane about this#let’s hear it for the Miserable Depressing Relationships gang!!!! rise up!!!!!!
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what didn't you like about it, out of curiousity?
Hmm I’m gonna have to think on it it some more and come back to you when I’ve managed to articulate something
#I will try to get back to you later anon#I didn’t hate it. there were scenes that made me laugh and smile#but I think the prevailing feeling it’s left me with is… confusion/frustration/dissatisfaction? about the message insofar as it had one?#hmm and I think also because it made me remember how much I disliked and felt alienated by barbies growing up#not bc of the body image issues which the film makes some effort to engage with#not beauty standards but FEMININITY standards#and the movie doesn’t acknowledge that aspect of barbie as a cultural influence/reflection at all#except for maybe Allen if you squint??#the assumption is that you want to be barbie at least to some extent. you want to be pretty.#but you’re too stressed to accomplish it or you’re too angsty to embrace your desire to be pretty#the angsty teen goes from wearing all black (and pants) to a purple skirt by the end. the girly makeover subtly signifies healing.#(I know that could just be me reading into it… but is it?)#it’s the way it holds up a specific kind of person as Woman and universalizes her struggles and calls them All Women’s Struggles#while conflating them and largely ignoring actual economic/legal/political issues faced by women as a class#and the whole ken storyline… ehh idk I need it to be more internally consistent or something. to have a coherent message and not just#‘it was like I was in a trance where I thought I cared about the Zack Snyder cut of the Justice League’ as a joke about… what?#male-dominant interests being somehow inherently toxic? cool women not being into nerdy boy stuff?#it’s the old men are from mars women are from venus thing#sigh. girl power. lol I don’t know!#sorry this rambling is all I have for you right now#I thought the critique in youtube by verilybitchie touched on a lot of good points tho so maybe that’s somewhere to start#on* youtube#but it’s ok if you liked or loved it. I saw it with my sister who was super psyched for it (which is why I wanted to like it too)#and she’s great so
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