#something about this looks so fucked up andi cant figure out why

[evil-little-rodent]

sigh what a freak (affectionate)

du drow belongs to @meanbossart !!!

[gayspock]

the voicess bwahhhh

my current crazy or whatever. see i thinkabout my life sometimes and the htought of stretching it out before me, and how genuinely its jsut been just me alone for so much ofit. like i thought about trying to think up the actual figure and the acutal percentage.... something something. say ivebeen alive 210k~ hours total give or take.

and then i think about school. apparently around 17k hours total. and i dontknow. really thats just being in the vicinity of other people, but i guessit counts in some roundabout way. usually at least a convo a day if you average out theperiods where i was nearly sociable with the longyears of just fucking spiralling in the toilets at lunch or redacted. and idk. say i spent 10k hours at my last job. probs laess than that at my current job cuz of the wfh availability.

and then i thinkabout the times outsideof that.cuz outside of that what is there. i could probably always just count on my hand the number of times i spent time with people outside of any of that. i know as akid it would barely be ever. and its not like my parentssspent time with me. and i think even being generous it cant get anywhere close to 20% . and of that 20% it isvastly that time spent in school or at work.

i thinkifeel crazy. whenever i see people talking about the casual wayshtey spend time with other people outside of thingslike that i feel like an insaneperson because im never going to understand any ofit i dont think . do you ever feel like you cant any more, likeits long fucking gone. like im never goingto learn it properly. something something. i wish i could be hopeful about it sometimes i dobut i fucking want to be realistic and not have smoek blown up my ass like fuckme realistically . i cant everget it together enough to get out there and, when i do i jsut dont think anyones evergoing to lke me. maybe theres someone in the worldwho would but i dont think i'd ever get to meet them and theyd probably better spend their patience elsewhere. becausei meani wouldnt want to spend time with me either when im so fuckign fucked in the head halfthe time and i cant talk right and i dont reallyhave anything else going on in mylife but fucking endless spiralling out of control that i cant eve rget a hand on and i dont know. people can be like "nobody things like that!" but liek look man. the vast majority of peopledo. its always fucking . suspicious and derision likewhy. why dont you have friends. why. and no imnot fucking good at talking topeople. i feelcrazy . i dont know how to. ive tried mybest but ifeel like i cant get anything right . i dont know whats wrong with me. because its like itsnot tat people hate-hate me like fine judge me but im jsut. i cant fucking find my way withanything . im so nothing or whatever. i cant follow anyones fucking conversatiosnever and it gets so much fucking worse when youre consistently left out of fucking eveyrthing and playing catch up the whole time and it just. i want torelax but i jsut feel like imgoing nuts.

andi get so sour sometiemes seeing people just live life and feeling lke even when i go out and i try to do it i jsut feel rejected at every point idont know. its fuckinghorrible. i feel so wrong all the time and i hate myself and idont want to do it any more and this and that and whatever and allitever is is just youre not trying hard enough or just keep trying or keepgoing and its just. why cnat it just be as easy as it isfor everyone else how can eveyrone else just be connected to things how canyou have friends that know who you are how can youhave family that knows what youre upto how do people exist in theirday to day lives justnot fucking alone 24/7 it feels like the world stops when italkto people sometimes because how many hours how long can you go i spend a day if im generous with people outside of work a day a year? is thatall and it always feelslike a pity gesture from someone who noticed or ive been tagged along with a group idont feel a part of and i wish it wasnt so easy tojsut fall out existence all the time i remember all the timeas a kidi'd loveee to just disappear and nobody would ever realise . and iheear people talk about interpersonal issues allthe time and ifeel so detached and disconnectedbecause none of it feels real any more i dont fucking even feel like its within my grasp like. i dontknow as a kid yes always fucking jealousand sad and trying to imagine the ways i'd slot into peoples livesbut wheres thepush and pull any more i cant even fathom it i dont fucking care . does anyone go nuts . whats it like tobe human or whatever whatsit like you can go out and fucking talk to someone or go out and do anyhting or oyu can go places and spend time with people . i dont have any photos in my house because i dont have any photos with anyone and i dont have any memories i try to go places alone and i tryto talk to people when i do but it just feels so hollow andlike im so desperate man i feel nuts i feel crazy bwahhh

[simplystevies]

under the suit

pairings || ex’s!dad!andy barber x intern!reader

summary || you knew it was wrong.. but you always fantasised about what was under his suit.

warnings || 18+ minors dni, age gap (reader is 20, andy is in his 40’s), pet names (champ, honey), cheating, unprotected sex, quick sex, fluff, andy talking down on jacob, food mentions, andy is a soft lover ;), cockwarming?

note || i cant believe it’s been an entire month since i posted a fic.. you guys i’m SO SORRY. this is short and shitty i cant even defend it yawns

wc || 1.4k

ever since you met jacob, you knew something was there. but once you met his father, everything you wanted in life was fulfilled.

it was weird, you knew there was something small missing when you started dating jacob, but that something small was gone when he introduced you to his father.

you knew it was wrong.. but he looked so fucking good.

after your breakup with jacob, andy offered you an internship at his office. he admitted that he thought jacob didn’t handle the break up well and he hoped you two were still on good terms.

of course you were, you loved andy. you took the position as andy’s assistant, he allowed you take on a few cases if you asked and guided you through everything.

andy was soft, he was calm and collected. especially with you. he was a sweetheart. you had nothing bad to say about him.

“y/n! walk with me i have to get my lunch.” andy yelled from across the room. you nodded and rushed towards him, holding his bag for him. “you have a meeting in an hour.”

andy groaned and threw his head back in annoyance, walking out of the building. “laurie asked what time you’ll be home, annnnd she’s making casserole.” you informed him, reading from your phone.

“casserole? we had that yesterday.” andy mumbled to himself in disgust. “what’re you makin’ for dinner?” he smirked, turning to you. you shrugged and looked up at him. “might order something.”

andy smiled and nodded. “then it’s settled, i’m workin’ late and we split the bill on some pizza.” he said, going to the food truck. you bit your lip and smiled to yourself.

andy walked back with his peach granola with a wide smile. “where you thinkin’? there’s this place down the road we could try there?” he said, opening the cup and mixing the granola with the peach yogurt.

you nodded and looked at your feet. “unless you don’t want to, of course that’s perfect i can figure somethin’ else out.” andy said, shoving the granola and yogurt mixture into his mouth.

“no, no it’s fine i’m free tonight anyways.” you said, walking back into the building with him. “perfect, see you after work then, champ.” he smirked before walking off.

champ. it was just a dad-calls-son name.. so why did it turn you on so much? you were stood in shock for a few seconds before making your way back to your office.

after work, andy made his way to your office with a wide smile. “i was thinkin’ we either go back to your place, or we stay here, whatever you want.” andy said, throwing his suitcase over a chair.

“my place is fine, meet me there?” you said, packing up your stuff. “no, no no i’ll drive you, no point in takin’ two cars if we’re goin’ to the same place.” andy smiled.

you smiled and nodded, walking towards him. andy picked up his suitcase, his eyes falling onto yours. you looked into his crystal blue eyes, feeling a sense of safety.

andy’s eyes shifted from your eyes to your lips a few times before slowly leaning in. you pulled away, clearing your throat. andy nodded and picked up his suitcase, walking out of the office.

you followed him, going to get into the car after he opened the door for you. you smiled and sat in the car, he had one of the nicest cars you had ever seen in your life.

it was always sparkling clean, never a speck of dust sitting on it. “how long are you planning on staying.. at my place?” you asked, turning to break the silence as andy drove.

andy shrugged, looking over at you quickly. “i don’t know, as long as you’ll have me i guess.” he smiled, chewing on his lip. “you can stay the night if you want, i have a spare room.”

andy bought the pizza and drove you back to your house, taking the pizza in. after eating the pizza, you two bonded over some shared interests.

you found out that andy enjoyed comics as a kid, so you showed him your collection of comics that you collected or was given by family members. you two were like two geeks in a comic world.

you two sat laced together reading your own individual comics. “this has been fun, gotta start comin’ over more often.” andy smiles, putting his comic down on the table.

you smiled up at him, nodding slowly. “i wouldn’t mind, you’re welcome here anytime.” you said, placing your comic on top of his. before you could even sit back, andy’s lips pressed against yours.

the kiss was soft, with a bit of aggressiveness. you pushed him off, looking at him confused. “andy, i’m your sons ex girlfriend, and you’re married!” you shook your head.

andy sighed and kissed you again. “you want this, i see how you look at me. tell me to stop and i will.” andy whispered, lifting you up and flipping you two over.

you melted, your hands moving behind his neck, pulling him in. andy smiled and kissed down to your neck, sucking and nibbling at any piece of skin he could get between his teeth.

your eyes shut, a soft moan slipping from your lips. andy smirked, his hands pulling against your waist. “i’ve wanted this for so long, ever since you walked in with that little sundress with jacob.”

a burning sensation flew over your cheeks. “god, i was so jealous of him, had a nice piece like you against his hip, he didn’t deserve you.” hearing andy say his son didn’t deserve you turned you on.

the wetness that simply sat between your legs, started dripping down onto the couch. “i’ll show you what you deserve, show you how a real man feels.” you could always sense a tinge of something when you were with andy and jacob at the same time.

you thought andy hated you, but as andy ripped off your shirt, boy you realised you were so so so wrong. andy was clearly bottling up these feelings, as he rolled your skirt up instead of taking it off.

your bra wasn’t removed, it was pulled down, your panties were ripped, his shirt had a few buttons open, his pants not even past his knees, nor his boxers.

he barely gave you a second before he slid into you, a groan leaving his lips, a moan leaving yours. “oh god andy.” you whispered, your head falling back against the arm of the couch.

andy smirked, his hands roaming around your body. his lips connected with your nipples, nibbling on them slightly, rolling them between his teeth. “fuck, you’re so perfect baby.”

andy’s praise went right to your core, your cunt clenching around andy’s cock, making him thrust hard, bottoming out inside of you. “god!” his eyes squeezed shut.

something about seeing andy’s eyes shut, his almost naked body hunched over yours made your knees feel weak. andy’s hands wrapped under your legs, lifting them onto his shoulders.

this new position revealed so much more pleasure. andy’s tip teased where you needed him most. “andy, please!” you begged, your legs squeezing around his head slightly.

andy smirked and bottomed out in the new position, making your back arch and a loud scream leave your lips. “oh god andy yes!” you gasped, a tight knot forming in your stomach.

a few more thrusts was enough to send you flying over the edge, your nails digging into a cushion beside you. “fuck.. you’re so beautiful.” andy whispered, his forehead pressing against yours.

your legs fell beside andy, a sigh leaving your lips. andy started to thrust again, holding your legs against his hips. a gasp left your lips, your weak body was being used for andy’s pleasure.

you had absolutely zero complaints. all you wanted was for andy to cum inside of you. “honey, honey i’m there, fuck i’m right there.” andy gasped, his head flying back with his eyes squeezed shut.

you gripped his shoulders, digging your nails into him slightly. andy moaned, rolling his eyes back as you felt warm strings of his spend shoot inside of you. “fuck baby..” andy sighed.

andy didn’t slide out of you, he laid beside you, holding you close to him. “that was perfect, i don’t wanna leave.” you sighed, your head resting against his chest.

the both of you were lying on the couch in a comfortable silence. “can we do this again? i know it’s wrong but, it feels so fuckin’ good.” andy asked, kissing your head.

andy’s hand started to play with your hair as you nodded. “yeah, yeah that’s perfect, just call me whenever.” you smiled, chewing on your lip. you couldn’t believe you had andy inside you.

everything was perfect.

[slashingdisneypasta]

Slashers Toy Story!AU

Or, *cough* a way for me to write out a buncha funny Incorrect Quotes and smoosh two things I love together.

Woody: Jason Voorhees

Buzz Lightyear: Michael Myers

Jessie: Ghostface

Prospector/Stinky Pete: Roman Bridger

Bo Peep and Ham: Freddy Krueger

Mr Potato Head: Chucky / Charles Lee Ray

Mrs Potato Head: Tiffany Valentine

Slinky: Carrie White

Rex: Bubba Sawyer

Barbie: Jennifer Check

Ken: Patrick Bateman

Lotso-'O'-Huggin' Bear: Sheriff Hoyt / Charlie Hewitt. Was gonna be Bo, but Hoyt just fits way better. Plus he has Thomas.

Chuckles: Monty

Big Baby: Thomas hewitt

The Chatter Telephone: Luda Mae Hewitt

Also, Sunnydale Daycare: Ambrose. Because why not.

*I'm thing the kids in Toy Story are the fanbase and creators of the Slashers in this AU. Like, Andy and Bonnie are the original creators that make up the canon stuff and created them to be the infamous characters we all know- and Sid is us fan-people that twist and distort the characters for our own pleasure, haha XD *

An abundance of Incorrect Quotes bellow the cut!

Chucky: *With all the features on his face mismatched*

Chucky: Hey Freddy, look! I'm Picasso!

Freddy: ... yeah, I don't get it. *Leaves*

Chucky: *what... * You uncultured swine!! *Shakes his fist at Freddy's retreating back. That was a good fucking joke, goddamn.*

~

Michael: *Writing down on whiteboard:* Excuse me... I think the word you're searching for is

THE SHAPE.

Jason: *Already so done with this edgy boy's bullshit*

Jason: *Moves attention to his own whiteboard, starts writing*

Jason: *Shows board*

NO. The word I'm 'searching for', I cant say, because there are preschool toys present.

*Gestures ferociously to Carrie and Bubba.*

~

Jason: *Ughhhh. Shows board that he frantically wrote on:* Its not a KNIFE! Its a little stick of plastic!!

Freddy: What's wrong with him??

Chucky: Knife envy~

Freddy: Ah been there

~

Jason and Michael: *Watching Dr Loomis give psychology advice*

Jason and Michael: *Slowly tilting their heads sceptically, in unison*

Michael: *Holds up board for Jason to read:* ... I don't think that man has ever been to medical school.

~

Jason: *Trying to get Michael to help him. Writes passive aggressively on board and shoves the thing in Michael's view:* Would you give me a hand!???

Michael: *Fucking slices his own arm off and chucks it at Jason*

Look, he's having a bad day...

~

Freddy: *Sneaks up on Jason and digs his fingers into the giants sides*

Jason: *Whips around and cracks Freddy in the face from shock*

Jason: *Realises its just Freddy as the other groans and holds his nose, and looks a little guilty. Oh, Freddy. Writes on board and shows him:* There's gotta be a less painful way to get my attention.

Freddy: Agh- Fucking- Merry Christmas, hockey puck!

Jason: *Catches sight of something above them, tilts his head. Writes and shows board:* Isn't that mistletoe?

Freddy: *A slow, creepy grin rips across his face* Yep.

~ Toy Stoy 2~

Jason: *Frantically holding up a board:* Michael! I was a yo-yo!

Freddy and Chucky: *Look at each other*

Chucky: 'Was'?

~

*Michael and the others watching a dude try to buy Jason and failing.*

Michael: *Thinking: Mm, now just walk away.*

Man: *Follows after where Jason went.*

Michael: *Thinking: ... the other way.*

~

*After Jason has been stolen- everyone is panicking*

Michael: *Stomping his foot, trying to gather these psychopaths' attentions. Wait a minute! Wait, hold on! When he semi has their attention, he shows a piece of paper with writing on it:* This is not time to be hysterical.

Freddy: Its the perfect time to be hysterical.

Bubba: *Gasp. Should we be hysterical!?*

Carrie: *Tries to calm Bubba down, a hand on his arm and voice gentle* No-

Chucky: Yes.

Michael: *Thinking: ... well, maybe*

~

Freddy: Give this to Jason when you find him

Freddy: *SMACKS MICHAEL UPSIDE THE HEAD*

Michael: ... *Holds up board* Alright. But I don't think it'll mean the same thing coming from me.

~

Freddy: *Up ahead* Hey guys! Why did the toys cross the road!?

Michael: *But rolls his eyes. Not now bacon bits.*

Bubba: *Perks up and waives. Oh! He loves riddles. Why?*

Freddy: To get to the chicken... on the other side!

*They all look out and celebrate, seeing where Jason was being kept hostage... but then realise how dangerous getting across will be as a giant fricken truck careens by and crushes a can the same size as them*

Bubba: ... *Promptly turns around and starts walking back the way they came. Oh well. We tried-*

Michael: *Grabs Bubba back*

~

Jennifer: I can help! I'm Tour Guide Jen!

Jennifer: Please keep your hands, arms and accessories inside the car, and no flash photography! Thanks.

Chucky: -I'm a married man, I'm married man, I'm married man-

Freddy: *Shoves Chucky out of the way* Then make room for the single fellas.

~

Michael: *Ugh. Writes on board:* They're on level 23.

Carrie: How are we gonna get up there?

Bubba: *Gestures to balloons, then up to the sky. Meaning: Maybe if we find some balloons, we could float to the top!*

Chucky: Are you kidding? I say we stack ourselves up, push the intercom, and pretend we're delivering a pizza.

Freddy: How bout a roast? *Grins*

Freddy: *Assesses Chucky and Carrie in turn* With tenderised pig and a slaughtered lamb as sides.

Chucky: Hold the fuck up did you just call me a pig- and a side-

Carrie: What?

Bubba: Oh! Oh! *Pats his chest excitedly. Do him! What about me??*

Freddy: ... Eh, you can be the toy that comes with the meal.

~

*Michael does something to get them all hurt and doesn't to care at all, of course. Just moves on.*

Chucky: Remind me to glue his mask on his head when we get back.

Freddy: *Nods, yep*

~

Chucky:*Embracing Tiffany after having been away saving Jason*

Glen and Glenda: You saved our lives! We're eternally grateful!

Chucky: Oh, fuck...

Tiffany: You saved their lives, Chucky?? Oh, my hero.

Tiffany: *Immediately drops Chucky in favour of picking up the babies* And they're adorable! Lets adopt them!

Chucky: *Thinking: What? No- Absolutely not- Don't say tha-*

Glen and Glenda: Daaaaddy!

Chucky: Fuck.

~Toy Story 3~

Jason: *Holds up a sign as he stands there menacingly with his machete:* You got a date with justice, Charles.

Chucky: Heh, too bad, 'sheriff'. I'm a married man.

Tiffany: *Comes out screaming, wielding goddamn nun chucks*

~

Michael: *Eyes narrow behind mask, slowly holds up sign he prepared earlier:* Bastard son of a hundred maniacs.

Freddy: Hah. That's Mr Bastard son of a hundred maniacs, to you!

~

*The toys/Slashers watch some toys, including Jennifer and her car get thrown in the donation bin*

Ghostface: Oh, man, poor Jen.

Freddy: ... I get the corvette.

~

Tiffany: Its alright, Jen, it'll be okay.

Jennifer: Well... Needy and I have been growing apart for a while...

Jennifer: Its just... I cant believe she would kill me!

Chucky: *Who's 'best friend till the end'/victim also killed him* Yeah. Welcome to the club, toots.

~

Hoyt: They just love new toys, don't they?

Chucky: Love!? We've been chewed, kicked, drooled on-

Tiffany: Just look at my nails!

Hoyt: ... Hm. Well, here's the thing, sweetheart. You aint leavin' Ambrose.

Tiffany: *Thinking: Oh fuck no he did not just- * Sweetheart!? Who do you think you're talking to!? I have over 10 kills, and I deserve more respec-

Hoyt: *Covers Tiffany's mouth with his hand* Ah, that's better.

Chucky: *Thinking: I'm going to fuck this douche up- * Hey, no one takes my wife's mouth. *Shoves Hoyt back off her by the chest* 'Cept me.

~

*Hoyt and Thomas bring Chucky back from 'The Box'. He's more fucked up looking then usual, sand all through his hair and stuck to his plastic features. He shakes it out of his pockets.*

Tiffany: *Gasp* Sweetheart!

Chucky: Eugh... it was cold. And dark. Nothin' but sand and a couple of Lincoln logs.

Freddy: Ehhh... I don't think those were Lincoln logs.

~

Ghostface: I was wrong...

Chucky:

Chucky: Ghostface is right. He was wrong.

~

Jennifer: *Fake cries*

~

Chucky: *Slaps a Pidgeon*

~

*Trying to reset Michael back to his former settings/self (The one that knows them and therefore will maybe-perhaps-possibly not kill them*

Freddy: Oh- oh- oh, here we go. there should be a little hole under the switch.

Jason: *Little hole little hold little hole- Nods. Got it!*

Freddy: To reset your Michael Myers action figure, insert paper clip-

Jason: *Sharply turns to Bubba, urging him to put his finger in the hole quickly*

Freddy: Caution; Do not hold button for more then five seconds...

Michael: *Suddenly stops thrashing and goes slack*

Everyone: ...

Bubba: *Jumps off him, holding up his hands. Its not my fault!!*

~

Michael, on Spanish Mode: *Gives Jason two sweet kisses on either cheek*

Jason: *Awkwardly, slowly holds up sign:* We gotta switch him back.

~

Ghostface: Oh! Mikey!!

Michael, still on Spanish Mode: *Sees Ghostface*

Michael: *Drops to his knees, gathers up Ghostface's hand*

Michael: *Looks up at Ghostface in utter awe and admiration*

Ghostface: *Freaken freaked out. Shouldn't he be the creepy one in this outfit? Leans away* Uhh... did you fix Michael?

Freddy: Uh, sorta. I mean I for one think this is a huge improvement.

~

Michael, STILL on Spanish Mode: *Does a dance of feelings around Ghostface, wanting to express himself*

Ghostface: What- why- please stop I'm gonna pee myself- Of laughter or fear I have no idea but I WILL PEE

Michael: *Grabs and dips Ghostface, and holds up a sign* We will be the most famous killers in history, together.

Ghostface: *Thinking: Oh I can get behind that, hell yeah- *

Jason: *Arrives*

Ghostface: Oh- *Scrambles out of Michaels hold* JASE!

Michael: *Watches them move on together* *Throws down the sign*

Freddy: I suddenly feel disgusting, like... I somehow ended up in some kinda... love-square, of some kind...

~

Jason: *Nicely gestures for Michael to give him some help*

Michael, stillllllll on Spanish mode: *Sniffs his nose at Jason's hand, shoving him out of the way with one arm like no thank you.*

~

Jennifer: Authority should derive from the consent of the governed. Not from the threat of force! // Or, alternatively which I think fits a whole lot better- // I am not going to stand back here and let another fucking old white guy tell me what the fuck to do!

Chucky and Freddy, two old white guys: *Look at each other*

Chucky:

Freddy:

Chucky and Freddy: *Shrug*

And that's it seeing as I don't really wanna see Toy Story 4. I hope you enjoyed this silly thing with me at least a little XD

Okay so I got a little attached in the end.

[wickedpact]

You can't just drop that "I read Forces Multiplied" bomb on us and not give a ten page written reaction.

[cracks knuckles] if u insist

nicky cant drive hc: destroyed. rip. also i loved how andy and nile stole those sports cars and were being badass and driving off the bridge & meanwhile joe and nicky were just absolutely vibing in the van

'heres the thing about power: people who have it think they deserve it' [shot of police car] i see u greg

5 whole panels being dedicated to booker not being able to unlock his door. booker not even seeing noriko sitting RIGHT THERE in the window at first. incredible

noriko being 24/7 horny was surprising. like wow all of the stuff i saw she did out of context was 100% equally horny in context as it was out of context. love that for her

i didnt think the 'andy + slavery' thing was handled as badly as everyone made it out to be when telling me about it. tho from the way it was talked about i had kind of figured the conflict between andy and nile re: slavery would be really racially charged (esp considering nile is a black american and would obvs have Thoughts on the subject in that regard) but like,, done in a cringey 'a-white-guy-obviously-wrote-it' kind of way? but it wasnt that. i mean. it makes sense that andy would be implicit in slavery through the years

i mean, like she says, is that not what people just did to each other in the aftermath of battles for thousands of years? and i really like how its pointed out that it was what she was raised with (in the beginning when you see her put shackles on that guy after the battle) but she also accepts responsibility for it and acknowledges that it was wrong and not just 'what people did'.

i like how from her expressions you can kind of tell baby andy knew it was off but she sets those feelings aside bc she felt angry. it explains how she felt but didnt make her out to be blameless in it. plus i mean. i dont know, the fact that andy was involved in a lot of morally shady stuff for 7000 years is not that wild for me. if you live that long youre just Going to be involved in some shit, and she didnt even have other immortals with her as positive community influences, she literally just did whatever the fuck she wanted for thousands of years

'i was worshipped as a god once' i mean, yeah no shit she wouldve been involved in some seriously fucked up stuff, gods were fucking scary back in the day

tldr it could use some polish but it wasnt that bad

tho everything people said about moose being boring was unfortunately a little true. sorry king i tried to be interested in you

joe and nicky writing verbal fanfiction about nile and moose was iconic. 'you seeing that?' 'i am definitely seeing that'

it was also extremely funny bc that was like 60% of their contribution to the whole comic, besides kidnapping copley. they came, they wrote some fanfic, they left. kings. at least in tog1 they had an excuse to be useless bc they got kidnapped

joe just found out his old friend who he thought was dead is alive (and also probably wants to murder them) and instead of investigating with andy he stopped to help nile up. champ.

nicky shooting noriko through andy was cool. rip to the concept since it wont happen in tog2

wanna see mr ejiofor deliver this line

on that note imo copley was. weirdly enough, more interesting in fm than in tog1. to me at least. the fact that andy let him live and he was so haunted by what had happened that he came back and sought them out despite knowing they would likely kill him for it bc he wanted to not only make up for what hed done but also to tell them what theyd done for the world was admittedly more interesting than andy just kind of drafting him to the cause and him going 'okie'

i like how nicky was drawn in this one. in opening fire he looks like a blob man but in fm he looks more like a very nice grampa with a very good dye job

'theres no pain like a broken heart' andy 🥺

noriko implying andy's never drowned. .. .idk about that one, she musta drowned sometime

joe and nicky came, they waxed poetic about nile's love life, they waxed poetic about grog, and then they left.

sports bras being a reason humanity is good. i mean..... okay, yeah.

i mean. wild but you cant exactly tell her shes wrong

i liked how noriko telling andy that their purpose is to make people suffer coincides with joe and nicky finding out that they actually did good all those years

joenicky in opening fire: jail for booker jail for booker for 100 years

joenicky when copley tells them he knows where booker is: WE'LL KILL YOU WHERE IS HE

joenicky when copley comes back: if your vibes come off as even remotely rancid we Will destroy you

joenicky 2 minutes later when copley helped them find booker: he made up some ground :)))) <3 lov you j cops

theyre forgiving af

moose: how old are you?? a hundred??? a thousand???

nile [vine voice]: I M 2 7 ?

alright andy you got me there

joe texts like my aunt

i dont know why noriko drowning andy in that car tickled me. Bad And Naughty Andromaches Get Put In The Pear Wiggler To Atone For Their Crimes.

the drowning sequence was cool

copley trying to talk to andy while she was like o_o at him was great

ive hit the picture limit but id seen that panel where nicky goes 'forgive me' as he kills a guy out of context and it was HILARIOUSLY anticlimactic for me to discover that there was literally no context to it. nicky just apologizes to random people he kills. i thought that guy was someone he knew or something. nope its just Some Guy that nicky didnt know from adam

nile's complaint that andy was especially brutal to the guys on the boat... i mean. . , how exactly does one kill a man with an axe and not be brutal about it?

it was funny how noriko kissed andy and the only people who seemed surprised by that were nile and also andy

nicky and joe's complete non-reaction to finding out noriko is alive And Evil Now is endlesly funny. they just left her on that boat and neither cared. i get book and nile not caring but joe and nicky knew her, and they just have 0 input on the subject of what to do with her

pinstripe suit guy!

joe and nicky and booker packing up and leaving with nile

andy blowing up at nile was A Moment tho

i dont know, i get why people didnt like the ending but its. .. . it makes more sense in the comicverse. bc the squad doesnt really. .. interact outside of jobs? i mean, think of the moon landing story in ttt. that was booker and joe and nicky doing a job and andy only showed up a for a couple minutes after it was done. or the brunch in the first issue of opening fire. the squad arent as tight in the comic, and andy often seems to do her own thing outside of work, so andy saying 'i dont want to do work anymore' and the squad being like 'alright bye then' makes more sense in this universe than the movie one

also i feel like greg was Trying to set up a thing where nile becomes the Leader of The Squad after andy dies but like. its not very well done since. . . i mean, nile hasnt spoken to booker since opening fire, (and she only knew him A Day). and shes known joe and nicky all that time, but there isnt really anything that indicates that they have any relationship at all, much less one that's grown. in all the comicverse the only time nile and nicky speak is in FM, and in that scene nicky tells nile about noriko. nile goes from someone who needs to be set aside to have background knowledge explained to her to being the Leader of the group with nothing in between. it kind of... comes out of nowhere.

on the other hand tho... i felt really bad for andy thru the whole thing. well, i always felt bad for andy, but in this one she seemed so miserable, especially since it really felt like none of the others actually.... cared about her. when noriko came back no one asked andy how she was doing (big question ik, but it wouldve showed they cared at least), nobody ever expressed any concern for her, no one even really seemed to want to be around her. in opening fire everyone was more distant than in the movie of course, but there were little moments where she would joke with joe, or nicky would try and comfort her, or stuff like that, but in FM it really felt like they just didnt really care about her. & in opening fire it felt a lot like andy's relationship with nile breathed some new life into her, but in FM it felt like all they did was argue. i get theyre not *as* close in the comics but it really felt like the only person who cared about andy at all was noriko (which was probably also how andy felt) but it just seemed to come out of nowhere. honestly i was reading and i was honestly agreeing with andy that she might just be better off if she did just die. opening fire, on the other hand, never make me feel that way

tho everyone made it sound like when the squad split up it was one of those cursed 'the found family leaves each other at the end of the journey' tropes. but guys i mean,,, this is the second installment out of three. that isnt the End. theyll come back in the third one and Dramatically Reunite to fight some baddies (probably those 'others' noriko mentioned). im guessing yitzhak fits into that too somehow.

anyways it wasnt That Bad but it made me kind of sad and the only Sweet Found Family vibes in it were when they saved booker. also they shouldve beefed up that nilemoose romance, it underwhelmed me. 6.5/10

i also ABSOLUTELY understand all of greg's comments about how you couldnt make FM directly into a movie, he always said that it had no plot and. i get it now. it really didnt have a plot sdfghjkl

[blookmallow]

hey speed dating for ghosts is rly good 

i dont have a whole lot to say about it but heres some things anyway. its a very good experience 

i couldnt get gary to talk to me the first time :( :( :( :( i lov he 

nice to see you too 

HE 👏 WORE 👏 A 👏 BOWTIE

fuck dude you sure do 

hi i would die for you 

i mean. im already dead. and you’re already dead. but that’s not the point 

hes just........niko.......i lov him

I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LO

,,,ok

h ey,

im not sure how the ghost forms work in this universe, like. i get some of them, kyo is a mass of anxiety so hes just super melty all the time/all curled up (and he also drowned. so. could be Watery). steph doesn’t know what the fuck is going on or what she wants to do or anything so she’s just kind of a Formless Mass. spooky peter’s a plague doctor. why is hattie cotton balls. what is riley supposed to be other than Sport Man, why does he look vaguely reptilian. i dont know 

spooky peter took me on a date to a funhouse mirror dimension and then we haunted a guy. it was incredibly romantic and we are getting married (ok the game doesn’t let you marry anyone but) 

[sobbing] thank you

riley’s like....a nice dude but his date is Literally Just Football. like. i kept waiting for something to happen and nothing ever did. and this game is mostly text based so you don’t even like, see it or anything, it’s just. a list of written football plays. pretty much. and it goes on for. A While

like when you talk to him at speed dating he keeps saying things like “y’know there’s more to me than just sports! i just really like them :)” and i was like alright sportboys are absolutely not my type but i must Date All The Ghosts and he seems nice so ill give him a chance but it. it was just sports. not even in like a charming himbo way like scott from monster prom. hes just sports. again he’s Nice, he’s not like, a jerk sports boy, but. hes just sports

like. just having a character Say “im not Just Sports” but then.....not doing anything else to develop him at all REALLY doesn’t count 

i also broke it at one point clicking too fast when i was replaying trying to get ANYTHING interesting to happen and it was briefly unreadable bc the black dialogue box didn’t happen :’) 

look at this. this is a wall of text about football. i cant tell if this is supposed to be a joke or whats even going on here. who goes to ghost speed dating to learn about football 

again like he’s a nice dude. i have nothing against him as like, a person, he’s just. he’s so boring. he is just sports

and for some reason he’s like the ONLY ghost u get a chance to kiss (and andy but they’re a demon) which, like, ok, not feeling it, but sure

ok thats actually cute tho 

still a lil disappointed i can kiss sport boy but not spooky peter. priorities are WAY outta wack here 

he does also show up later in the hell bonus thing singing a song in your honor, apparently he’s in a band, which is ALSO very sweet and would have been cool to know on his actual date bc its a legitimately interesting and unexpected fact about him, but instead was a thing that was just. dropped at the very end of the bonus date rounds. i missed it completely the first time bc he didn’t show up bc i couldn’t bring myself to care enough to date him the first time :’) 

fjfsdg thaNKS FRAN

love this funky party demon

holy SHIT look at you 

agatha is the other love of my life she and spooky peter r my favs

DOG 

holy fucking SHIT this got sad 

also if you hang out with him you have the option to visit a park full of other dog ghosts and most of them also have wisps (like partial ghosts that apparently happen when ‘part of someone dies’) with them so there’s like. heavy implication that every time a well loved dog dies part of its owner dies with them, so it remains with them in death its VERY UPSETTING

god i fucking love her

also made out with the party demon lmao 

most of these “dates” just end up being more of a “ghosts hanging out trying to figure out some Stuff they’re going through together” than like. romances, like theres some implications with some of the ghosts but its really focused more on people coping with loss and accepting death, moving on, finding peace, etc and also just some silly ghost misadventures like. haunting stuff. its real good but its not really like A Dating Sim all that much for the most part, but. u can absolutely smooch andy, as it turns out 

anyway this was good. play speed dating for ghosts. its in that one huge BLM itch.io bundle if you got that back when that was a thing 

[tinselkj]

The start of something new | Kandy

Who: KJ and Andy Where: KJ Apa’s residence  When: 9/5 at 3am Notes: This was set a week ago. It’s a look into what happened the night Andy and KJ got together TW: heavy making out and loss of some clothes. nothing major @hwfameandy

Andy:  Andy shook his head just as he stepped foot out of his car. What the fuck was he doing? Showing up at KJ's place at this hour was just asking for trouble but right now he didn't care, not even in the slightest. He tossed his phone in the car as he slammed the door and made his way up to the actors front door. Lifting his hand he knocked, and it was hard. "KJ! Open the door!" He spoke out in a loud tone just as he knocked again.

KJ:  It was late and Keneti had been in a dead sleep when his dog began barking as the familiar voice drifted into his subconscious. Groggily pushing himself out if bed and down to the front door, kj ran a hand through his bed hair, trying to get his eyes to focus. "Is everything alright, Andy? Its three in the morning."

Andy:  Andy pushed his way into the house the moment he opened the door. “No nothing is alright.” He spoke as he ran his fingers through his hair, his head was spinning faster than his thoughts could keep up with them.

KJ:  Hearing that something was wrong was all it took for the actor to jolt himself awake, aware of whatever Andy needed him to do, he was ready to do. "What's going on? Who am I hurting for upsetting you? Did you murder someone? Knock someone up? I need to know what level of urgency this is."

Andy:  He was trying to put his thoughts in order, everything was running through his mind, like a constant circus of thoughts and sounds mixed with a waterfall of emotion. “I can’t do this, K. I can’t fucking ignore it anymore..” he spoke softly knowing he probably wasn’t making any sense at all.

KJ:  Looking at his best friend with pure and utter confusion as he tried to go through what he could possibly be talking about in his mind, kj landed on the only thing that made sense to him. "What did your ex do? Andy, hes not worth your heartache. There is going to be someone out there for you, I just know it." Kj wasn't the brightest, so when Andy said he couldn't do it anymore, he didn't think anything of it.

Andy:  Andy let a groan slip passed his lips. It was so hard to figure out the right words to use. Fuck it, actions were louder right? Without another thought, Andy stepped closer to his friend, his hands coming up to grip the back of his neck and without speaking he kissed him. It wasn’t a soft kiss, it was rough, passionate, hungry. He couldn’t deny the way he felt about him and hopefully with a hint like this, the actor would get the picture.

KJ:  To say he wasn't expecting this would be an understatement. Sure, they flirted but it never went anywhere past that. He had feelings for the man, but are said feelings strong enough for him to leave his love for the blonde he had seen hours earlier? Yes. He believed it was. It took a moment, but kj quickly kissed the boy back with just as much passion as Andy gave him. Moving so his hands slipped under the hem of his shirt, kj hummed at the feeling of his fingertips touching his flawless skin.

Andy:  It was safe to say that he wasn’t expecting the same passion in return. Honestly he was expecting to be shoved away or even smacked. The feeling of the boys fingers tips on his skin caused him to let just a small moan slip passed his lips. He grabbed the bottom of his own shirt and broke the kiss just long enough to pull it over his head and discard it on the floor. He pressed their lips back together, fingers tangling in red locks as he pulled him against his body. Now that he got to experience his lips he didn’t want to stop kissing him.

KJ:  As he pulled away, kj scanned his body as the shirt was peeled away to reveal his ink ridden skin. He was hungry for his touch that when Andy pulled away, it was like he took away the very air he needed to breath. Pulling his own shirt off while he had the chance, KJ pressed his hand flat against the small of his back before pushing him against the wall, lips trailing kisses down his jaw line and to his neck. Kissing the tender skin just below his earlobe before sucking said skin into his mouth, fully intending to leave his mark on the man he called his best friend for such a long time.

Andy:  Andy has no idea what was happening. All he knew was denying the way he felt about KJ was impossible. The feelings were incredibly strong and he was sure the other knew that by the rate the clothing was being shredded. His hands moved to trail along the males chest. Fuck, he was ripped, and Andy loved the way his skin felt beneath his fingers. He was so quickly becoming an addict. He let a small gasp pass his lips when his back hit the wall and it shifted to a moan when he felt the lips on his neck. He was leaving his mark, and Andy didn’t care. Hell, he wanted him to mark him, he wanted the other to leave his own mark against the sun kissed skin. His hand moved to grip the back of his best friends neck. He held him for just a moment before hand moved to work on opening his own jeans, the regret of wearing skinny jeans finally hit him.

KJ:  It took everything in him to pull away from Andy, lust filling his eyes as he scanned his features, a small smile playing at his lips as need was replaced by an overwhelming amount of love. Pressing a kiss to his lips one last time, the man pressed his forehead to the others as he closed his eyes for a moment. "We need to stop, but wow. I cant begin to tell you how long I've wanted to do that." He couldn't let it go any farther than it has. Not when he just fixed things with lili. "Why? Why did you have to come and make this more complicated?" The man chuckled as he shook his head, kissing him a few more times before pulling away completely, taking his hand and pulling him into the living room. "There’s something you should know before I touch you again. Lili and I talked today and are working on fixing things between us..but I need to know what you're feeling. I need to know what you want."

Andy:  It wasn’t until kj stopped that Andy had even realized what he was doing. For the first time, he wasn’t embarrassed when he was stopped, he was trying to catch his breath. He returned the kiss with just a gentle one of his own. “I don’t know if I should have done that.” His tone was almost nothing but a hushed whisper as he kept his forehead pressed to the others. “I didn’t try to make it complicated, K. I didn’t.” He returned each kiss before following him into the living room. He wasn’t foolish, he knew about him and Lili but in some way hearing him speak the words made it all real and he could feel his heart shatter right there in the living room. “What I’m feeling is that I’m crazy about you, I can’t get you out of my head no matter how hard I try. I want you. With me not her.” He spoke spoke truthfully as he ran his fingers through his hair. He walked over and picked his shirt up off the floor. “I hate that I have feelings for you, but I can’t help it, K. They’re there and I can’t ignore them anymore. I want to be more than your best friend.”

KJ:  Just hearing how he felt about him made him feel like hes never felt before. The love he held for his friend was something he had never felt before and that scared the hell out of him. "One might say you want to actually be my husband?" The redhead joked, trying to bring a light hearted air to the whole situation. "If you would of said this the other night to me, I never would of gotten back together with lili...but I cant hurt her like that...but I want you just as much. If not more." He had never been so confused in his life. He had crushes and wondered what it would be like to hold another man's hand in public, but nothing ever made him want to follow through with that. Not like Andy did. "I'm not ready to come out. Would you be alright with not being able to share with the whole world?" Kj asked, actually considering the idea of being with him.

Andy:  The words he spoke ‘I can’t hurt her like that’ made his feel like his entire heart was being ripped out of his chest. Since his ex, he’d never found anyone he wanted more than kj and to hear that he couldn’t hurt Lili. Maybe Andy was foolish for crossing a line with him. “I told you, I’d never force you to come out until you were ready.” He spoke as he slipped his shirt back on and every fiber of his being was telling him to make a b line for the door. This wasn’t just some guy that he’d caught feeling for, this was kj, his best friend. The last thing he wanted was to ruin everything between them. “How was I supposed to tell you how I felt when you were off with her? I haven’t had a moment to tell you..”

KJ:  He knew he was being selfish. He knew he shouldn't want both of them, but he did. He was hurt, of that much he could tell and it killed him knowing he was the reason for that pain. He was right though. He didn't give him the chance to tell him how he felt, but how did kj feel? Giving himself a moment to really think about this, the man considered his options before speaking. "Are you sure you want me? Are you positive that you love me and this isn't just a phase where you'll lose interest quickly?" He knew he didn't have to ask this. The answer was clear as day, but he still had to ask. He had to give him an out before it was to late. "Because if you are..give me a few days. Just a few days to break things off gently with her."

Andy:  The look on Andy’s face shifted to a bit of disappointment when the questioned slipped past the redheads lips. He stepped closer to him, his hand coming up to grip his chin between slender fingers. “I showed up at you house at three in the fuckin morning and let you mark my skin. My love for you is completely real.” He spoke in a soft tone as he kissed his lips softly. “I respect you enough to give you the time you need. But just a few days. I won’t wait around forever, kj.”

KJ:  Kissing him softly kj had to figure out how he was going to do this. Giving him a small nod, the man pulled him in for a deeper kiss. One that lasted a few seconds longer than it should of. "If I would of known you were an option, you would of been my first choice. I wont make you wait long. I just have to make sure she'll be alright. I still have to work with her for god knows how long, and I cant let this ruin things for the show. But I want you Andy." It felt nice being able to say that and know it wouldn't make things weird.

Andy:  When he was pulled in for a deeper kiss, Andy let his hand wrap around the others waist to pull him against his chest. He didn’t want distance between them. Having him close was all he ever wanted. “I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t know how you felt about me.” He whispered as he held his hand against the small of his back. “I will always be an option and I will always love you.” He added as he kissed his lips again. “As far as I’m concerned you’re already mine.”

KJ:  Moving away from Andy, kj looked at the clock that hung in his living room. "Well I'm obviously not letting you drive home this late. Why don’t you just stay the night? Let's go get into bed and we can just enjoy being together tonight. I'll deal with ending things with lili tomorrow, but right now I just want to enjoy this little bubble of happiness you've put me in."

Andy:  Andy looked at the time, he wasn’t even aware it had gotten so late. He smirked at the others words, reaching out to take his hand. He laced their fingers together as he walked up the stairs. “I think I like the sound of that. I’m too tired to drive and I’d rather be in your bed than alone in mine.” He spoke just as he pulled the male into the bedroom. He moved over to the bed. Kicking his shoes off, he stripped down to just his boxers, there was no way he would be able to sleep if he hand his clothing on. He climbed into the bed and under the blanket, pulling it across his body before holding his arms out. “Come here.”

KJ:  "I would rather you always be in my bed rather than yours alone." the man stated as if it was the most natural statement in the world. As he was pulled into his room, the red head allowed his eyes to focus to the darker room. Watching as he stripped down to his boxers, KJ was stunned by his beauty. He couldn't understand how anyone could choose someone else over this man standing in front of him. Silently getting into bed, he finally allowed himself curl into Andy's side. "I wish you would of done this days ago. We could of been cuddling all this time and just..enjoying each other."

Andy:  Andy wrapped his arms tightly around the other and pulled him as close to his side as he possibly could.  This was the best feeling he’d ever had. Being able to hold the redhead this way. “I knew you were going through a lot and you just needed a friend.” His tone was softly as he turned his head to lightly kiss his cheek. “But now I get to be more than your friend.”  The words caused a smile to tug at his lips. He really couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this happy.

KJ:  He had always had the slightest of crushes on Andy. He had never acted on his feelings, but now that they had finally accepted their feelings, things felt right. "Well thank you for being understanding. I don't think we should be officially a couple just yet since I do have to end things with Lili, but let's slowly take this one step at a time. We can go all out when we finally get together and it will be freaking adorable." He wanted to give him all of himself, but he also wanted to be sure they did this right. Andy meant a lot to him, and he wanted his first real boyfriend be something special.

Andy:  He nodded softly. He had no problem found at the pace the other wanted to go. He meant a lot to him, and he would do whatever he could to really show him that. Just being able to kiss him and hold him was more than enough for him right now. “We’ll go as slow as you want to go. I’m not going anywhere and I’m here to help you through this the best I can.” He whispered as he lifted his hand to grip the actors chin. He leaned in and pressed his lips to his in a soft kiss. “Slowly.”

KJ:  "You're going to make me fall in love with you, I can feel it" KJ smiled as he moved his leg so it could rest over Andy's, holding him in place as if he was going to run away. "How could I ever ask for a better boyfriend? You've literally given me everything I could ever ask for and I love you all the more for it." Wrapping his arm around the others waist, Kj kissed him back. "I guess I should really thank Ronen for this. If it wasn't for him, our feelings for each other never would of come out.:

Andy:  “Maybe that’s what I want to do.” He smirked. His hand moved to rest on top of KJs leg when he wrapped it around his leg, lifting it slowly to wrap it around his waist, holding onto him tightly. “Oh it’s boyfriend now? But two seconds ago you didn’t want it to be official.” He teased as he lightly rubbed his leg. “I love you, K. I’m actually crazy about you.” He whispered against his lips. “Well then thank you Ronen because I’m so in love.”

KJ:  "And maybe I want you to love me back just as much?" The redhead countered once the pair had entangled themselves with the other. "Hey, let me have my moment here. I'm trying to make you smile." He was a sucker for his smile, and that only intensified as the days went on.

Andy:  He couldn’t stop the smile that grew even wider on his lips at the words the other spoke. “You’re making it hard to not ravish you right now.” He let just a small laugh pass his lips as he pressed his to the redheads on a deeper and more passionate kiss.

KJ:  "And what exactly is stopping you from doing just that?" Raising a brow in question as he continued to kiss him passionately. The actor felt like he was on cloud nine, and he felt at peace with the person he is..sexuality and all.

Andy:  Andy broke the kiss, his hand resting just lightly on the others face, his thumb just lightly caressing his cheek. “Me wanting to protect you, and make you always feel comfortable with me.”

KJ:  After everything that had happened during the past week, this was all Keneti wanted. He wanted someone to not push for dates, to not push for public affection. He just wanted to be himself with someone he cared about. He wanted Andy. "Well there hasn't been a time where I didn't feel comfortable with you. You never let it get to that point. Its like... like you can see how I'm feeling before I even say anything. You know me in a way not many people do. If I had to say, only one other person knows me on this level."

Andy:  Andy shook his head slowly when he heard the words the other spoke. He knew who he was speaking about and there was a part of him that didn’t even want to hear her name. Was it jealousy? Yes, In a way it was. He didn’t have one hundred percent of the male but half of him was better than nothing right? “I don’t want to hear her name, I really don’t.” He spoke truthfully as he fixed his gaze on him. “I just want you happy, K.”

KJ:  It was obvious that he didn't like the idea of the relationship he once had with his ex, and that was something he was more than willing to respect. "Of course, babe." He smiled, loving the way that sound coming off of his lips. "Believe it or not, I couldn't be happier than I am in this very moment." He wasn't use to this feeling, at least not with a man. He felt not only safe, but loved beyond an unimaginable doubt. He felt like he finally had his person laying there in his arms. It didn't take long before he finally drifted back to sleep, eager to see what the next day would bring.

[fineline-live]

Never Be • lrh

Title: Never Be

Reader Pairing: Y/N and Luke

Rating: eh it’s fluff just bc i need some Lu fluff rn

WARNINGS: mention of panic attack, description of panic attack

Description: Luke never realized how loud he kept his guitar and microphone amps until he heard a girl humming a song about herself.

For the past 18 years I’ve looked out the same window in my room to see that tan garage, the same four boys growing up while walking in and out of it. It was my neighbor Luke’s house, his three friends having grown up hanging out with him. We were all for the most part the same age, their friend Ashton being the oldest by a year or two. The garage was Luke’s bedroom, his parents fitting it to look nicer but also withhold all the noise of the instruments he would play. Luke and I were considered best friends, having grown up together. When we were younger we’d always play outside together, and as we got older we’d settle for smaller things like a movie night or even just a video game filled sleep over. Now as we both reached the age of 18, the quiff haired boy started to become more reserved, only really ever letting one person come over anymore, and that was Michael, myself getting demoted from bestest friend to even just acquaintance.

I watched as the red haired boy pulled up in his shitty broken down truck, getting out and walked in through the garage door. I eventually just shut my curtains, irritated that I wasn’t the one getting to go over and talk to Luke about his day. It’s been months since we even had a movie night, which is rare considering we’d have one at least twice a week. I turned back to my notebook, doodling the smallest things, writing words in fancy fonts, doing anything that could get my mind off of my evergrowing loneliness. I heard Michael’s truck door slam and couldn’t help but look out the window to see him get back in his truck and drive off. He was only with Luke for a good five minutes, leaving me to wonder why he left so quick. I shrugged and went back to doodling, soon hearing the sound of an amp being loudly plugged in. It was probably just Luke setting up his guitar for something.

It was a couple minutes until I started to hear the strumming of chords. I set my pencil down and opened up my window so I could hear better, something Id always do when Luke would play something. The song he started to play didn’t sound familiar though. Usually he would play some type of cover, but I couldn’t pick out what this was. He started to sing along, his voice soft with the music. I pulled up my desk chair next to the window and just sat there for what felt like hours, Luke playing the same song over and over again, perfecting his rhythm and his tone. He eventually stopped playing, leaving me to open my eyes and collect my surroundings, having had sat for so long. I turned back and grabbed my pencil and notebook from my bed and write down what lyrics I could remember from Luke singing.

“I need your love to light up this house,

I wanna know what you’re all about,

I wanna feel you feel you(?) all night

I need to tell you that it’s alright (?) you look fine (?)

....

We’ll never be as young as we are now

It’s time to leave this old black and white town

Let’s seize the day, Let’s run away, Don’t let the colours fade to grey

We’ll never be as young as we are now

As young as we are now”

It was all I could remember, just pieces of what I thought were the words. The tune was stuck in my head though, the chorus sticking out most to me. I had finished writing down parts of it when I heard the garage door slam, Luke trudging out while looking at his phone. He looked the same as he always had. Tall, lanky, pale, quiffed blonde hair, black skinny jeans, and a pair of vans. He hasn’t changed at all in demeanor, so part of me still questioned why he pushed me away so much. I just shrugged, having already dealt with the hurt in the past, not caring enough to go through it again. I closed my window so I wouldn’t have to hear anything. There was a knock on my door, my mum opening it to reveal the sounds of chattering down the hall towards the kitchen. “Foods done.” Was all she said, shutting the door and walking back down the hall. I sighed, wondering who she invited over now, and tightened my arms around my sweater, the autumn weather causing a breeze throughout the house.

I walked down the hall, voices laughing and talking about several different subjects. While walking around the corner I peeked my head to see who was here before taking a deep breath. My feet had already carried me to far to back up, my hands beginning to shake. Liz was here with Celeste, Jack’s girlfriend, talking to my mum about something. Andy, Jack, and my father all having a conversation about a new surf line that Rip Curl came out with. And then there was Luke who just walked in, standing awkwardly in the corner, nodding along to things his dad said. That’s why he finally came out of his room. Liz was the first to notice my appearance, becoming overly excited and loud. “Y/N, sweetheart! How are you?” She walked over for a welcoming hug, squeezing me tight, Celeste doing the same after. “I’m good!”

I walked over towards Jack, giving him a tight side hug. “Hey, dude,” He laughed, hugging tighter. “Wassup, dude.” We both chuckled, Jack keeping his arm around me as they continued talking. Andy reached his hand out for a fist bump, smiling at me as my dad brought up dinner. “Dinner is done if everyone wants to grab a plate!” Everyone smiled at each other, walking to the kitchen island to get a plate. I turned back to look at Luke, a frown on his face as he watched me walk away. I gave him a half assed smile, him not even bothering to return it. I rolled my eyes and turned around, getting my plate of food and following everyone to the larger table we had for when guests were over. We all sat down, Luke ending up in the last spot which happened to be next to me, even though I talked to Jack the whole time.

When we finished eating, everyone sat around the table still talking. I pulled out my phone, scrolling through it as Luke was doing, and without realizing started to hum a tune in my head. I couldn’t figure it out so I just kept repeating it over and over, trying to remember what song it was. Luke had looked up from his phone at me, analyzing the song and his eyes going wide when he heard it. I noticed my phone was about to die, so I got up and walked towards my room to plug it in. As I was plugging in my phone, I didn’t notice Luke walk in behind me until I heard him close my door. “Jesus, Luke.” I held my hand to my chest to try to steady my breathing. “How do you know that song?” His voice was low, almost terrified. I set my phone down on the windowsill and shrugged. “Calm down, mate. You play it all the time.”

His eyes went wider if possible. “You hear me play it?” I nodded my head, not getting why he was so worked up over this. “D-Do you know the words to it?” I shrugged again. “Some of them. It’s kinda hard to hear you through the garage walls, but I can pick some of the words out.” His hands flew to his face, covering it and sitting on the edge of my bed. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. This cannot be happening.” I looked at him confused, wondering what he was so upset over. “What?” He shook his head, rubbing his eyes and taking deep breaths. “You can’t fucking walk in here and make a big deal over a fucking song when you don’t talk to me for five months, Luke. That’s not how this works.” I crossed my arms against my chest as he slipped himself down to the floor from the bed. His shoulders started heaving, and his hands kept rubbing at his eyes and covering his face. From all the years I knew Luke, I knew what the symptoms were.

I crawled down to my knees, making my way over to his shaking body. He made gasps for air as he rubbed his eyes, trying to get out of the headspace he was in. “You’re okay, Luke. You’re okay. I’m right here, I promise.” I knew unless Luke initiated it, touching him would only make it worse, so I kept my hands to myself. I kept talking to him softly. “Lu, breathe, love. You’re okay.” One of his hands left his face, reaching out to grab one of mine, trying to tell me he needed me close. I scooted closer to him, wrapping my arm around him and trailing my hand up and down his back. I rubbed softly as he tried to call himself down, his breathing still erratic. “Let’s count, Lu. Up to five and then we’ll hold our breath for five more seconds. Can you do that?” I started counting, having to restart every few seconds due to Luke not being able to gain any composure. I knew I’d have to be patient with him, so I just kept starting over, giving him any opportunity to join. His breathing started to slow, choked words finding their way out. “O-One, two, three, f-four, five.” He held his breath, counting to five again. We repeated the process together a few more times until Luke could fully regain his breathing, his face not as red as he was. I pulled him into me, continuing to rub his back, his shoulders shaking every once in awhile from a staggered breath.

“You wanna tell me what’s going on?” I asked softly. He took another deep breath, nuzzling his face further into my neck. “The songs called Never Be.” I nodded my head, waiting to hear what else he has to say. “I-It’s about, about loving someone and being stuck in a small sh-shitty ass town like th-this.” I rubbed his back softer, leaning my head against his. “Did you write it for someone?” His breath choked in his throat, his body starting to shake. “I cant tell you that.” “That’s okay! It’s okay, Lu. You don’t have to tell me anything else if you don’t want to.” I whispered. He took a shaky breath, exhaling against my neck. “You’ll think I’m crazy if I tell you who it’s about. Especially after how I’ve treated them lately.” My mind started to race, thinking of anyone it could be about. He hasn’t had any girls over in the last couple of months, so I was left confused. “Try me,” I offered.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. I craned my neck and looked down at him. “For what?” He shook his head with a sad smile. “For just going MIA on you. Just fucking leaving you to fend for yourself. For not being there for you. For being a shitty best friend. Fuck, I’m probably not even your friend anymore after how I treated you.” I sat against my bed on the floor, with Luke leaning against me. My hand rubbing his back, and the other one reaching down and fidgeting with his fingers. “Was it about me?” His breathing got warmer against my neck, his body trying to pull away. “M’ sorry. I shouldn’t have written it.” I pulled him back to look at me, our fingers still awkwardly intertwined. “You said it’s about loving someone? And being stuck in a shitty town?” He nodded his head, staring down at our fingers.

“I got scared,” he whispered. “I knew that if I told you how I was feeling that you’d probably just laugh and tell me to fuck off and stop joking. I tried to push the feelings away, and I figured if I pushed you away, they would go with, and they didn’t, and I fucking cried myself to sleep for the last five months because you’re over here living your live and I’m so in love with you that I start to panic and can’t think straight. And I just got so scared. I don’t know what to do. I’ve never been in love.”

Tears sat in my eyes, tears of confusion, and being overwhelmed, and being in love. I grabbed Luke’s hand tighter, interlocking our fingers for good. He started to ramble again repeating all of his earlier words. “Shut the fuck up, Lu,” I laughed softly. He looked at me confused, wondering what he said wrong. I smiled at him. “The more you talk, the less of a chance I have to kiss you.” His eyes went wide, a blush creeping onto his face as I softly pulled his face in towards mine. His lips were soft and warm, and they felt like something that I didn’t wanna let go of. “So what does this mean?” Luke asked pulling away gently. Our foreheads sat together, our noses bumping, our breaths mixing. I couldn’t help but lean in for another small kiss. When I pulled away I smiled, a small giggle escaping my lips.

“It means pack your shit and get your keys because we’re leaving this shitty ass town.”

[indigo474]

-8-1-22-

So much in 1 day. my leg now hurts from sitting too much. it feels like it is getting stiff. I've been wearing heels to work the past week or so- gonna stop that because they aren't helping my leg or the stiffness- they make me feel pretty? I saw the same guy i saw yesterday- my old boss/owner. saw his truck on 95 going the opposite way. him in his white shirt. i saw him- how fucking odd. funny yesterday- his eyes a light color- blue maybe green- with a reddish brown spot - kind of cool. and i swear he might be the devil- not sure how old he is but he looks fantastic and looks younger than the last time i saw him.

I received a message from Nicole- How i turned my back on her in her time of need. I reached out to HER because i was genuinely happy for her because her son graduated. the school system had her so scared that something was wrong with him and he would never graduate. we talked about this for hours and hours. when i saw her little picture of him in his cap and gown i thought how happy she must be. Her Dad died in the Spring- I reached out in June. SHE didnt reach out to me. I must have read the messages wrong- i have mixed feelings and i couldn't figure out why. She was a lifeline to me. we did have fun. she was sketchy and fun. and if it wasn't for her i would not have had anyone. she could also be mean and entitled, insecure,dismissive. i went to the park to clear my head. i found 4 or 5 heart shaped rocks. my leg didnt hurt while i was walking. i always thought of her as a drug friend. not just a pot friend. she was always on something into something or doing shady shit with drugs and i tagged along because it was fun and exciting and i was doing drugs. i cant go back to that and i feel like it would be so easy. and i guess the sad truth is i dont trust myself- it doesnt matter what SHE is doing. right. i dont want to me tempted. I also dont want to talk about the past- im not there anymore. Who knows maybe she's sober.. she never was but people change right? Im sure she is still processing her dads death andi feel like its going to be a trauma dump. why is it that people feel they can talk to me? no one will ever know what it took for me to be here today- right now. to finally be in a place where i am OK with myself. even if i could tell them i wouldn't be able to make them understand. i finally feel good. im happy. i know im the only one who can mess up my life and that scares me. so ill message her back. im done with he boy from tinder

there 's more- but im tired. tomorrow i have to go into work and tell on myself. i wasn't follow the rules. so yeah- nothing major. its a dumb rule.

[conspiraships]

🌹 SRY I CANT THINK OF A F/O

🌹 - Beauty and the Beast AU

was originally gonna write Gale/Andy but then i remembered stupit bitch Krycek exists and that’s what’s gonna happen. ill write Gale/Andy l8r … but for now… Mercy/Krycek … this is rlly long … oopsie (4,962 words)

“there’s a monster in the woods, Alex” his mother used to say. “it lurks, waiting for disobedient little boys who won’t go to bed on time”

“like, it’s just sitting in the woods, waiting?”

“oh for fucks sake, Alex. just go to bed please. im begging you.”

“i want milk”

“fine”

of course no one believes the stories about the monster in the woods. it’s just because their town is surrounded by thick, tight woods with very few paths in and out of it. but there’s nothing but wolves, moose, wild animals living there. it’s dark, deep, unwelcoming, but there’s no monsters.

and even when his mother went missing when he was 13, Alexei Krycek refused to believe it was anything like a monster. her horse went missing too, and he knew for a fact that it meant the wolves got them. (that didn’t ease the hurt. his mother was gone, and he was only 13. he didn’t know how to live without her at 13. but it wasnt a monster in the woods who took her from him.)

he still doesnt believe in monsters even when the Man Who Smokes Too Much takes him in, and the Man Who Smokes Too Much’s eldest son is absolutely CONVINCED that there ARE monsters in the woods who WILL come for everyone in the town unless they’re all very kind to nature.

Alex finds a reprieve in Jeffrey, the youngest Spender son. they grow close, and when the Man Who Smokes Too Much dies, Jeffrey and Alex are the ones who start to find work while Fox spends his time buried in books, studying, and reading about the mind and mythical

“Jeffrey you can’t go now,” Fox says one day. they’re all well into their twenties and Fox can’t hold a job he likes because everyone knows him as the boy with his nose in his books, the boy who used to leave out picnic baskets for the Monsters even though there was a food shortage.

“Fox.” Jeffrey and Alex say it in the same tone and Fox grins at them both but he sobers up when Jeffrey keeps packing. “i have to go,” Jeffrey says. “if i dont, we could lose the house. and out of all of us, Fox, you need this house the most”

“Jeffrey … there have been several cases of missing persons between us and-”

“if they arent traveling right, they are going to attract wolves,” Alex says. “we learned that from your father.”

“i’m still pretty sure the monster in the woods took him,” Fox says disdainfully

“grow up,” says Jeffrey. “you want me to bring back anything specific from the city?”

“actually,” Fox says before Alex can say anything, “remember those roses he brought us…”

“the day your mother died?” Jeffrey and Fox exchange a sad smile and Alex is reminded that he doesnt fit in with them. hes not part of them. he’s not a Spender or a Mulder. he’s a Krycek. his father never smoked more than enough for three people and his mother used to tell him fairy tales that would make Fox explode with happiness.

Jeffrey leaves, and Fox goes back to psychoanalyzing everyone in the town and keeping up with as many detective cases as he can. Alex works.

Alex works, and works, and works until Jeffrey doesn’t come home. it’s not the monster, he tells himself as he packs up supplies to go search for Jeffrey (or, more realistically, his body and his horse probably half eaten by wolves). the monster was a bedtime story for everyone in the town. (Fox disagreed, and gave him a spray bottle of something that smelled of lemon and onions to ‘keep the monster away’)

Alex takes his horse to go look for Jeffrey. halfway between Foxhunt and the city, he finds Jeffrey’s horse with her reins snagged on a tree. she makes a break for it as soon as Alex sets her free, but he has hope. maybe Jeffrey is alive after all. he follows a small broken path next to the tree he found Jeffrey’s horse trapped on, but the deeper into the woods he goes, the darker and colder it gets.

wolves howl. but he knows its wolves, and not monsters.

“God dammit Fox,” Alex snarls, directing his horse down the path, toward the wolf howls.

when he breaks into a clearing, his lips are blue. but in the clearing is… not a house, but a mansion. it’s not even close to being a castle, but it’s too large to be a simple house. no lights are on but the door is open. if anything, it’s a place to warm up if it’s abandoned

(it’s not. and Alex hates himself for a while after he walks in there. he finds Jeffrey, gets him out, but gets knocked out before he can join Jeffrey. he hates himself when he wakes up in a room lushly decorated. silk curtains, a thick plush carpet, soft cotton sheets and an ornate comforter. he hates himself for enjoying the rest for once, not having to share a room with Jeffrey, sleeping on a twin bed that’s too old and uncomfortable. he hates himself)

Mercy is irritated.

not one, but two people have invaded their home in the last 48 hours. they let the first one, Jeffrey, go. but Alex? he actually came into their house. he didn’t rob their garden, that they can forgive. they’re roses. their mother loved roses, and their mother probably would have forgiven someone for taking her roses after a few days. but Alex… Alexei… he walked into their home without permission. they don’t like that very much at all.

“you should really let him go…”

“Monica,” Mercy warns.

“it’s going a bit far,” says Monica. “maybe just… i dont know, make him pay you or something? but locking him up?”

“i gave him Mom’s room. the door doesn’t lock, so he’s not exactly a prisoner.”

“if he feels like one, it’s the same thing,” John points out.

“I hate both of you please get the fuck out of my living room.”

they don’t raise their voice, but the cutting glare they send them and the way they bare their teeth, fangs glinting in the firelight, send John and Monica from the room. Mercy pretends they can’t hear their whispering and heads upstairs to deal with their… Guest

he screams when they walk in, and Mercy can’t help but look over themself. they hven’t looked in a mirror in years (Monica covered them up long ago) but Monica brushes their hair. and their fur. and makes them take baths regularly. but they are wearing some of John’s clothing. maybe that’s what’s alarming.

“what the FUCK are you?!” Alex shouts, putting the bed between the two of them.

wow. wow. just wow. so Mercy grins, baring their teeth. their fangs, prominent and long, make Alex recoil. “I’m the Monster in the Woods,” they say with a dangerous growl. “and you have trespassed onto my property.”

(they hate themself for taking pride in the fear and disbelief that seem to cross his face. he recoils further, and he can’t look at them for days. he doesn’t leave their mother’s room, and John tells them that he eats only the bread and drinks only the water they give him. they hate themself for loving the power they have over people. and they hate the disappointed look Monica gives them whenever they revel in frightening him)

“Monster.”

“I have a name, darling.”

“I’m leaving, Monster. and if I never come back, it would be too soon.”

“cute that you think you can escape me.”

(he doesn’t leave. they’re human enough that sometimes he’s not scared of them, but there are times where their fur stands on end and their hair swirls in the air around them and their eyes take on a terrifying yellow color and their fangs seem to grow, and Alex Krycek cannot move past them when that happens. and they always seem to stake out the door whenever he wants to leave)

(”Mercy,” Monica says in disappointment.

“he’s not free yet. he doesn’t know how violated he made me feel.”

“maybe you like having him around,” Monica offers, flinching when Mercy’s hair starts to swirl around them and their eyes turn yellow.

“why would i enjoy the presence of a human, Monica? why would i keep him around? let him stay? he is being punished.”

“your mother was a human.”

“and humans killed her. and now i am this.”

Monica can’t argue that.)

“Doggett,” begins Alex as John sets down a tray of food. “why do you stay here?”

John looks surprised, and sits on the bed beside Alex. “Eat,” he orders. “Mercy is…”

“Mercy?” Alex asks sharply.

“the Monster. Their name is Mercy. they are… lonely. we stay because we love them. and Monica and i know deep loneliness. when we found Mercy, they were halfway between human and beast, curled up in the rose garden. we were drawn off the trails by their sobs. they lost their mother when they were very young to hunters who mistook their foraging mother for some kind of animal.” Alex looks stricken, but John continues speaking. “Mercy … attacked him, as best we can figure. they didn’t kill them, but the hunters went back to their town with injuries.”

Alex dips his bread in his soup and asks, “why are they a monster now?”

“if you didn’t believe in monsters, Alex, i don’t know if you will believe they were cursed.” Alex snorts. “exactly. but one of the hunters had married a witch who cursed them. she cursed them to become the beast the hunters thought their mother was, and to be the beast they seemed to attack like.”

“a curse,” Alex repeats in disbelief.

John shrugs and stands from the bed. “believe it or not, but you cannot deny the face of the beast that keeps you from leaving, Krycek.”

“you have a rose garden.” it’s a statement, not a question, and Mercy laughs aloud, their eyes bright with amusement.

“do i?” they tease.

“i want to see it.”

“and i want my home to return to a private dwelling with no trespassers.” they return their gaze to her book. “we can’t have what we want, Krycek.” they’re not going to show the man who only calls them ‘monster’ and not their name their most sacred spot. he doesnt deserve it if he cant acknowledge them.

“show me the rose garden, Mercy.”

they stand behind him stiffly, and he notes that they don’t look at the roses. their gaze is firmly toward the sky. Alex could make a break for it, but the roses…

for a … monster who won’t look at the roses, they are tended to quite well.

“why is this bush missing roses?” he asks. a shudder runs through him at their disgusted scoff.

“perhaps you should have asked why i was being so cruel to Jeffrey.”

“actually,” Fox says before Alex can say anything, “remember those roses he brought us…”

“the day your mother died?” Jeffrey and Fox exchange a sad smile

“ah.”

Alex ran his fingers over the stems that were missing roses. was Fox’s mother worth this? his mother … Mercy’s mother… perhaps they both were, in their ways. if Alex’s mother had loved roses, he would understand the sacrifice Jeffrey was making for his brother.

“they’ll grow back.” Alex flinches at the sudden proximity of Mercy’s voice. to his credit, he doesnt hiss when one of the rose thorns snags his palm but he does grimace at the blood. “let me see.” his body tenses when Mercy’s … hand… definitely a hand, even though they are covered in fur like a wolf with claws to boot, comes up behind his to hold his fingers open.

“it’s a cut,” he says flatly.

“come inside. we’ll get it cleaned up and wrapped.”

“you will do that for me?”

“please. I’m not a monster.”

he may keep the cut open longer than strictly healthy. but Mercy’s hands that look so monstrous bandage him so gentle and their eyes glow yellow in concentration, their tongue sticking out of their not-quite-mouth-not-quite-muzzle in a way that Alex wouldn’t call… cute, but it’s cute.

they tell him stories of their childhood after re-wrapping his hand. they speak with a fond sadness that Alex knows all too well. he lost his mother when he was young as well, and he has something of a found family too.

Mercy tells him how their mother taught them about plants, for survival, for food, and just for knowing.they tell him how their mother took them into the forest to help her forage and how once they encountered an elk so tall they thought he was a monster at first, and how he stared at them with eyes too wise, knowing they wouldn’t hurt him.

he learns about the constellations from them. they tell him how their mother showed them the stars, and that night Mercy takes him to the roof of the mansion and shows him the stars the way their mother did.

they show him some of the techniques their mother had for woodworking and they build a small bird house together.

when Alex’s hand is healed and no longer needs bandaged, Alex tells them about his own mother. they snort derisively over his mother’s stories of the monster in the woods (but for different reasons), but Mercy is enthralled with his mother’s other stories. Alex tells them which herbs his mother favored in her cooking, and how much he misses that. he tells them how he used to brush her hair and how she would run her fingers through his and sing him to sleep.

they both remember their mothers with a fond sadness.

and Alex no longer fears them, because he knows she isn’t the monster in the woods.

“come with me.”

“excuse me?”

“did i stutter, Krycek?” Mercy demands. he tenses, ready for their fur to stand on end or their hair to swirl around them but it doesn’t. they just look… impatient. not mad, just impatient. Alex heaves a great sigh and climbs out of his bed. he wasn’t doing anything, but having them treat him like a dog can become grating.

“where are we going?” he asks when they lead him from the room. they don’t answer, but lead him through the mansion to a room he’d never been to before. (in all fairness he’d never been to many rooms in the mansion.)

“here” Mercy says with a smirk. they push open both of the double doors dramatically and Alex rolls his eyes, stepping into the room after them. “it’s … it was mine and my mother’s. she was an avid book collector. so… was i.”

Alex stills as he looks around the room. it’s not as massive as a public library or a rich prince’s personal library might be, but there are several floor-to-ceiling shelves stocked with books. crammed is a more accurate descriptor. its… amazing. Fox would be jealous, and thats all the motivation Alex needs to approach the nearest bookshelf.

“you can come here whenever you want. i…” Mercy hesitates when Alex looks away from the shelves and to them. “i understand that it’s quite boring here. i… would let you go but because it’s winter… i don’t want you getting hurt on the road.”

a sneer crosses Alex’s face. “its not like i have anything to get back on.”

Mercy’s fingers twitch and whatever openness they’d shown him vanished, a darkness settling in their eyes and a scowl spreading over their not-quite-muzzle. “John has been taking care of your horse in the stables. when the snow melts, i’ll have John and Monica pack you supplies and send you off.”

“…wait. what?” Alex tracks them as they walk over to a bookshelf and piles a few books in their arms.

“you can leave when the weather is better. John and Monica will take care of you.” they give Alex a cruel look. “you don’t have to deal with a monster anymore.”

they leave while Alex is still processing what they said

(when he asks after them, John and Monica can only shrug. not even they’ve seen the monster… Mercy. they’re eating. John tells Alex that they take the meals they leave for them, but they don’t leave their room as far as they can tell.)

Alex spends most of his time in the library. Mercy’s collection isn’t as big as the town’s library, but it’s incredibly diverse, and he’s only found about ten books that overlap with what he’s already read.

he’s so involved in studying psychology books that Fox would salivate over that he doesn’t realize the time or that he’s exhausted. but he wakes up with a pillow instead of a book under his head an a thick blanket wrapped around him, his books off to the side with clear bookmarks.

John and Monica swear up and down that they didn’t go into the library after Monica took his dishes from dinner away.

(Alex thinks the blanket might smell like Mercy, but he doesn’t know what smells like them and what just smells like the house.)

he sees them once before the snow melts, and it’s from the library window that looks out over part of the rose garden. some of the roses started dying, but Alex was no botanist, so he wouldn’t be able to offer to help Mercy even if they were speaking to him.

Mercy stood in knee high snow, no coat but seemingly unfazed by the cold. their head was bowed as they held a rose in their hands. the bush was completely empty except for the one Mercy stood over so reverently. Alex watched them until they moved away from the rose, leaving it swaying in the wind.

the day the snow melts, Alex pretends to be asleep all day. he listens as John and Monica discuss what else he’d need as they packed up his few belongings (mainly borrowed clothes from John he insisted he didn’t need anyway).

Mercy didn’t come through at all. the next day, it rained and Alex used it as an excuse not to go. he went out and brushed his horse but didn’t leave.

the third day after the snow melted, Jeffrey shows up with Fox in tow.

they pound on Mercy’s front door, but they don’t show their face. Jeffrey yells at Monica and John, and Fox asks an absurd amount of questions that his host’s family can’t keep up with.

“Jeffrey said there is a monster,” Fox says when he sees Alex. Alex clutches his pack tightly, the psychology book he’d stowed away pressing into his stomach.

“it was enormous,” Jeffrey agrees. “with fangs like a wolf’s… claws! not quite a muzzle but not a human nose either! covered head to toe in fur!”

Alex snorts. “it’s not like you, Jeffrey,” he says. “to buy into Fox’s shit.”

“it’s not shit,” Fox snaps.

“and you know i’m right,” Jeffrey spits. “i saw it when i left this place. you’ve been here all winter, and you’re telling me you haven’t seen it?”

John shifts, a scowl on his face. Monica’s expression is carefully blank but three months in their company taught Alex how to spot how Monica felt. and she is angry. (had she been so angry when Alex first met them? he didn’t know.)

“ive only seen these two.” Alex gestures to the humans next to him and raises a brow when Jeffrey opens his mouth to argue. “why would i lie about something like this? if there was a monster, i would have seen it by now. but i’ve only seen people.”

he misses the dubious looks John and Monica exchange, but doesn’t miss the looks Fox and Jeffrey exchange. any further pushing gets the same results from Alex. a willing silence, secretive and cold.

“he protected you”

“he still left.”

“but he didn’t let those men try to hurt you.”

“he still left.”

“Mercy.”

“he left! he’s gone and he’s not coming back. get out! get out get out get out get out get out!”

“Alex, come inside. you’ll catch cold.”

“that’s fine.”

“you’ve been out here since dinner. Fox and i are worried about you. you come out here every goddamn night, ever since we came back. Alex, what the hell is going on?”

Alex points at the sky and traces his finger along a particular path. “Corona Borealis,” he says.

“what the ever loving hell are you talking about, Krycek?”

“it’s a constellation, Spender. created when, after Dionysus fell in love with Ariadne, Ariadne threw her wedding crown into the sky. the jewels of the crown are said to be the stars of Corona Borealis.”

Jeffrey scowled at him. “you sound like Fox.”

“leave me alone, Jeffrey.”

mid spring, about a month after the snow melted, a caravan comes through, absolutely demolished. they claim to have been assaulted by a monster in the woods.

with an ‘I-Told-You-So’ expression on his face, Jeffrey uses this as an opportunity to prove that he was right and arranges a hunting party to find and kill this monster in the woods.

Alex can’t deny it when he sees the wagon destroyed and several people injured, one person even missing an arm. there is a monster in the woods, and he thinks he knows who it is.

(he’s unaware of Fox following him when he sneaks out that night, somehow oblivious to the second set of horse hoof beats an horse snuffling)

“Alex Krycek,” greets John when he opens the door to cease Alex’s pounding.

“where are they?” Alex demands. John sighs, but doesn’t try to play dumb.

“in the rose garden.”

Alex storms out of the mansion, still oblivious to Fox entering the clearing. he doesn’t see Fox and John speaking, too focused on finding Mercy. the monster.

he believes the caravan and her people when he sees Mercy watering their roses. the not-muzzle has elongated into a full and proper muzzle and their lower half has become wolf-like. an impossibly terrifying bipedal wolf-human beast, watering roses.

“why?” he spits at them.

they still, ears that have grown to a furry point twitching at his voice. 

“the roses need watered,” they say, not looking at him.

“that’s not what i’m talking about and you know it!”

this time they do look at him. their eyes are still human. still brown. Alex can remember the kind concentration when they bandaged his hand. remembers the sadness when they spoke of their mother. the excitement sharing the stars and the earth with him.

“my darling,” they say, voice thick with some unidentifiable emotion but dripping sarcastic sweetness, “i have no idea what you’re talking about.”

suddenly, words threaten to spill out that Alex bites back like bile. ‘why can’t i forget what you smell like? why can’t i forget how your hands felt around mine? why can’t i forget how warm it was to sit next to you? or how your eyes lit up when you looked at the stars? why can’t i forget the sweet sound of your voice? or how you sound when you sing? why can’t i forget how i hurt you that day in the library? why can’t i forget you?’

Mercy stops watering and cocks a hand on their hip.

“Krycek,” they snap.

“Why did you attack all of those people?” he shouts suddenly, unbidden. a bird shrieks and takes flight from one of the bushes. Mercy’s eyes widen and he watches them flicker as they take in his question.

then they laugh. throws their head back and laughs until it becomes a series of barks and they’re hunched in half to catch their breath.

“i’ve attacked people before,” they say when they can breathe again. “but that was years ago. when i found the men who killed my mother. i haven’t harmed anyone since.”

not physically, Alex wants to yell, his heart aching an racing in his chest. “a caravan came through this forest. they were utterly demolished. explain that, monster.”

their eyes harden and turn yellow as they stare at him. their hair begins to swirl around them. their lips curl and their fangs are bared.

“i have never harmed an innocent person,” Mercy, the Monster in the Woods, snarls at him. their watering can falls from their grip and they advance on Alexei Krycek who seems frozen in place. “i have harmed, my dearest Krycek, but only once, and for revenge. for my mother.” they stop mere inches from him and lean in, arms holding him still. “how dare you accuse me of this heinous act, when you know what i’ve been through. who do you think you are? get the fuck off of my property and never come back.”

he’s released with a shove, only saved from falling when Fox catches him. Fox…

“they’re beautiful,” Fox whispers to him as he helps Alex stand. Mercy’s ears twitch but they don’t look back at them, instead picking up their watering can and resuming the watering process. “is she telling the truth?”

Alex Krycek swallows. “yes,” he says, barely audible.

Fox releases him and steps forward. “what’s your name?” he asks Mercy. they snort.

“they call me the Monster.” their voice drips with bitter hatred, and Alex flinches.

“but you must have a name?” Fox presses. they don’t answer. “Alex believes you. but that means someone or something else in this forest attacked that caravan. and until we can figure out who it was… everyone will think it was you.”

“only three people outside of my home know i exist,” Mercy snips.

“And Jeffrey Spender is leading a hunting party to put you down.”

both Fox and Alex flinch when the watering can handle shatters in Mercy’s grip.

“when?”

“before sunset,” Alex supplies.

Mercy flies into a frenzy. they rush to the mansion and starts packing up everything. Alex, Fox, John, an Monica trail behind them as they tear through the mansion. the last thing they do before they speak to them is seal the library.

“take John and Monica far from here,” Mercy says to Fox, handing John and Monica the two bags they’d been packing.

“what?!” exclaims Monica, dropping the bag to grasp Mercy’s arm. they don’t look away from Fox, and Alex has to clamp down on the envy he feels.

“do you understand me?” they snarl. “get them to safety.” only when Fox nods do they look away. with gentle hands, Mercy puts the bag back in Monica’s hand. “go with them.”

“no!” protests Monica.

“please,” Mercy whispers. “please go with them. you can’t be caught in this. i can’t let you die. Monica… please go.”

“and leave you to die on your own?” demands John.

Mercy bares their teeth in what Alex thinks is supposed to be a grin. “A fitting death for a violent monster.”

they’re alone. the sun is low in the sky, nearly set, and Mercy is alone. if Jeffrey is going to kill them, this is how it should be. they find themself in the rose garden, standing before the bush with only one rose.

“i’ll see you soon, Mother,” they say to the rose, dropping to their knees before the bush. they bow their head.

John and Monica have each other. they’ll be alright without them. they might be in pain, but they’ll make it through.

Mercy once thought that when they died, no one would be left alive to mourn them. and only six months ago they were sure that John and Monica would be the only ones to mourn them. and a day ago they thought Alex hated them. four hours ago they thought he hated them. and now they know they’re leaving behind three people to mourn them.

“i’m so sorry,” they say, digging their claws into the dirt. they squeeze their eyes shut and tears leak out into their fur. they don’t move when they hear hoof beats. they won’t give the hunting party the satisfaction of killing a beast. they’ll have to kill Mercy as Mercy pays respects to their mother and mourns for those in their life.

he can’t be too late. please don’t be too late. please please please please please.

his heartbeat pounds in his ears an his legs are trembling with how tightly he’s squeezing his horse. his knuckles are bleached white and his fingers are cold as he grips the reins.

he can’t be too late. he can’t be too late.

he’ll never forgive himself if he’s too late to keep Jeffrey away from them. he’ll never forgive himself if he’s too late to tell them. to save them. to be near them one more time, even if they can’t forgive him for the things he’s said.

his horse bursts into the clearing of Mercy’s home but Alex doesn’t slow to a walk. they sprint across the yard, alert for any other sounds. he hears nothing and his horse whips around the side of the house. Alex pulls the reins and jumps down before he even comes to a full stop.

“mercy?” he gasps out, stumbling into the garden.

“why are you here?”

he faces them sharply.

“well?” Mercy bites, glaring up at him from their place on the ground.

Alex stares at them for a few long, silent moments.

“i will not leave you alone. i will not let you die for a crime you did not commit.” he drops to his knees beside them and presses his forehead against their shoulder. “i won’t let you be alone.”

Mercy’s tense, he can feel it. their words come out even more tense than he’d imagined. “monsters deserve to be alone.”

“then,” Alex Krycek says to Mercy, the monster in the woods, the creature, the person he loves, “it’s a good thing you’re not a monster.”

[linksweenus]

idk why but ive been thinking abt z*d recently and how like, if he decided to ever reach out to me again then i would probably be willing to talk things over w him, the last time he tried to contact me it was imo inappropriate bc i knew he had been looking at my blog and decided to bring up points about **** and lied abt shit z*d told me himself….

but even then thsre hasn’t been closure really and i told him to delete my number and i blocked his number and blocked him on everything. still i wonder does he look at my blog? does he know where i am still? i certainly dont know anything about him still and thats totally fine. plus i know he changed his name a bunch and ik it could be just him figuring stuff out but im also kinda sure it was to avoid me like if you call me a dumb cunt and say how much you wish id just shut the fuck up and how much u hate me and calling me a bitch etc its to avoid **** and i right?

anyway my mom made a comment the other day about an inside joke z*d and i had and i can’t stop thinking about it all. i wouldn’t rlly call it abusive but it definitely wasn’t a good relationship at the end…… i think for a while there he had smth on his blog that was like dont interact w me if you interact w andi or if your name is andi or something like that…… i know on his vent account he literally had my emoji as something like “🐶: ex best friend” & something abt how awful and annoying i was, and would try to convince other people how awful i was & shit even though i was trying to fix things and he just wouldn’t listen, i tried so hard. like i cant stop thinking about all this shit recently i hate it i wish i could let it go. it leaves for a little while and then comes back

& i guess. if someone reads this far and want to know what happened just ask

anyway z*d if you’re seeing this. i don’t know anymore. & i hope that you’ve gotten the help u need

[lockewoodandco]

Crossover is Bad

This is not a gr8 review, i’m just throwing my thoughts down after first watch (cause hell no im not watching it again and i have no patience to even torrent it for a review i don’t have my full faith in cause im not actually a reviewer). I’m also not jewish so this won’t go into depth about how they handled that cause i don’t actually know anything more than the history aspect. 

I should also mention that even though I riff on the writers a lot, I doubt it’s all their fault. Although this whole thing can basically be summed up by I Complain But Also Give Everyone The Benefit Of The Doubt so you know, make your own opinion. I don’t know everything and if you do, you’re lucky. Impart to us your wisdom, maybe. 

also shout out to the first time I have an opinion on tumblr.

if its not apparent already, spoilers.

Crossover is Worse Than You Think

First order of business, let’s get through the problems with the mechanics of the show before we go into the fact that the whole premise is Bad.

 The way everyone just... appeared? Bad. you have all these writers and none of them can think of a way to explain absences and appearances? If you’re working with so many characters, that should be your first order of business. Assign certain people to keep track of certain character if you have to. Why aren’t certain characters at the wedding scene? (*cough* RAY) Why was Mick at the wedding when anyone in their right mind would expect it to cause more problems than it did? Why didn’t Mick bring Ray or Amaya? Despite his grumbling, I would think it would have made sense if Ray was asked to be Mick’s +1, as Ray would be the perfect buffer, and given their history as acknowledged on screen, it would show how far their friendship has come especially after Ray disappeared during their trust fall. Also, why weren’t all the legends invited? Why wasn’t all of team arrow invited? Why wasn’t all of team flash invited? Dibny? gone. did they even invite him? are you telling me he didn’t clock in at all when there were very obvious Nazi’s literally swarming? what is his excuse?

the problem is, these characters have no excuses for being absent. No one mentions why Dibny is awol, no one mentions “oh, [character] couldn’t make it” or “[character] is [possibly comics throwback]”. When some characters just magically appear halfway through like “oh, we were just waiting for you to call even though we gave no reason for us not to know about the nazis especially since we already seem completely briefed.” no mention of a previous anachronism or baddie they were busy doing while most people were at the wedding. Nothing like “we just got back fighting [baddie/in year] and now we gotta punch some nazi’s.” where was everyone? apparently just waiting offscreen for their turn to kick ass. 

another missing character that definitely should have been invited; Hartley Rathaway. there's not a single mention of him. he’s good now!!! where is he!!!! I want a scene where cisco sneaks away and calls him up like, “i know you and barry are awkward considering everything but he invited you so i think you should be here!!!” have Andy call in his roll, maybe have someone shoot a sound thing off screen and think it’s canary when it definitely isn’t! This man still exists in canon as a friend of team flash, at least mention why he couldnt make it!!!!! 

I’m not that great! I don’t know shit! I’m an amateur writer barely making it through writing his first book! But I do know that instead of humanizing Nazi’s with love, you could have spent a little more time fleshing out the world your main characters are in. i mean seriously. bringing in just a mention of hartley rathaway? Bam. a question everyone’s been asking is answered AND your universe feels more real by the fact that this character is now probably doing something completely independent of any storyline.  there are ways to use these characters even when their actors are not available. you own the rights to use these characters!!! the actors dont own them!!! they arent automatically off the table, especially cause a lot of them have masks on, put them in a background shot my dude! like i said before, you don’t even have to have any part of them or their costume on screen to show they still exist! this! is! not! news! this is working with what you got, and you got a lot more than you think you do! if you actually don’t have the power to do that, then you must have the worst contract negotiator known to mankind. 

that was longer than i anticipated me going on for, but next problem: Leo

once again, appeared out of nowhere, this time in a fully populated area where he should have come barging in, obvious signs of cold chaos behind him, probably moving quite similar to his counterpart. maybe give barry more of a shock, instead of just a look of, “oh, he’s nice this time, thats kinda unexpected.” why? cause it’s not unexpected. not for Barry at least. 

you know what i dont buy? aloof Leonard Snart. Sure, it makes a good act, but is it one that Leo would hold up next to Mick? especially when he seems to drop it for his boyfriend. Do you really think that Leo would not notice the way Mick refers to him, and not try to give him some form of comfort besides a passing sentence that feels like the equivilant of “get over it.” they both lost each other, leo may not be as close to his mick as mick was to len, but we already know that Leonard Snart is far from emotionally stunted, his last iteration was full of emotion and you can tell that this Leo is the same, if not even more, so where even a single second of understanding before the scene cuts. It feels like you did this to address a fan concern, without seeing it as your concern. guess what? it is your concern! why? cause its a loose thread, and it was pointed out for a reason. The script is getting on the level of a daytime soap my dude. whatever internal problem is causing this lack of quality, it needs to be addressed. And don’t let me hear about it cause I don’t want to know! I just want to see it improved! 

A bit of good that came from that scene, Mick struggling to figure out how he should verbally react to the way he died on Earth X. 

Also, giving Len a boyfriend, pretty good. i have nitpicks but they arent important to this.

Alex

Sex is not character development! If you gotta have it, it should have been after the heart to heart with Sara! I do get it to a certain extent though, but the way it’s handled leaves a lot more to be desired. you get this pickup to a good minor plot that just can’t be completed. I can’t even see how this helped Sara grow as a character in any way, even though it was probably supposed to be about seeing damien darhk again and dealing with him, but you don’t hear that! Just a little line about Laurel. Minor complaint, they missed out on mentioning Sara also has the whole, my sister has an evil doppelganger thing, Although I don’t think she knows so I’m mourning the loss of the impossible on this one. Circumstantial humour there. 

The Ray

have we seen him before? on any dctv show? I dont know! i have no clue! He looks familiar but I even googled it and nothing! (doesn’t help that he shares a name with Ray Palmer) He’s supposed to be from Earth 1, right? Where is he! please tell me, I wanna know. He looks familiar but I could just be giving you the benefit of the doubt! you can’t just be like “oh he’s also from earth 1″ and just leave it there. How? And then he doesn’t stay and I doubt that the rest of the team really cares but I care! i care a lot!

also, why is Eobard Thawne the same Eobard? i mean, I forgot how much i enjoyed Tom’s performance as Eobard, good on you, you almost got me distracted, but like, he cant just (say it with me guys) appear. also, he has no motivation! cool! i hate it! the only thing i could possibly think of is he just wants to see his earth again but also he hates the time period so what!!! literally just make him a different Eobard! you don’t need to explain why his face is Tom because you already explained that Earth X is just Earth 1 with Nazis! (which um, also time doesn’t work that way, especially with mass genocide and jewish characters)

with leads me to my next problem!

time doesn’t work that way, especially with mass genocide and jewish characters!!!

also, you mean to tell me in a world where everything’s the same except nazi’s, that Kara Zor-El did not immediately rage against the machine, especially if the who earth looked like a burning sepia photograph. also, dead bodies! same on any planet! She’s gunna freak! you can’t escape death and wholeheartedly accept genocide like that! not without a very good reason. really, instead of giving kara/x a dumb love thing, maybe make it about what shaped each of their beliefs despite coming from the same beginnings cause once again, it was established that everything’s the same except nazi’s, so krypton still died. and since you gotta shoehorn arrow in Bad Town, make it an unrequited love! cool! Cause Nazi’s portrayed on tv don’t deserve happiness! Sadly I can’t stop actual Nazi’s from finding love! Wish I could! Also why is Oliver the weak link when he’s the Fuhrer? its dumb, really dumb. also, Overgirl’s death is dumb, especially since it should have killed Kara as well. Basic logic says if a blast kills your doppelganger and you’re pretty close to next to them (guessing that Kara was able to escape a ways even though they were shown to be basically next to each other) you’re going to get more than a little falling action.

Also, you know what happens to jewish characters (and basically anyone who’s not a cis straight aryan at that point) on Earth X? pretty fucking obvious. You know what happens when you lose that much of a population and try to compare it to an earth without that loss? You realize you lose a lot more than you think, and a lot more things change. you probably don’t even have to think about it that hard, someone’s probably already done that thought experiment!

Here’s one I gotta shoehorn in,

Joe mentions the fact that Iris and Barry are both his children in a speech when they’re about to get married. Heres an option: Dont! Say how much he enjoyed seeing them grow up together without mentioning any familial bond that connects the two people getting married. Cool! You know why? Crossovers pull in new viewers! Also Supergirl has a younger audience! These! People! Don’t! Know! Any! Better! 

Killing a Canon Jewish Character in an Episode about Nazi’s

There’s no way to paint this in a way that’s not shitty, especially when he didn’t have to die. You could have let him go back to his family. I can’t imagine what the thought process for this was. Shock value?! I don’t know. Maybe, because everyone expected Victor’s end to be Stein going home to his family. If it was, this really wasn’t the episode to do it in.

Next Up! Nazis!

Not good! Trying to backpedal and make your main villains have a non-nazi-ish reason for conflict? Worse! Nazi’s don’t deserve sympathy! They aren’t just a group of people in history! They’re a group of people in history who advocated for and took part in the absolute slaughter of millions. The numbers I checked agree it was near a billion when you include beyond just those who were jewish. What makes it worse is that this stain on human history has not died out. Sure, we all love punching Nazi’s, but as I understand, theres a lot more to it than that. Now we get into the part where my expertise lacks. As I understand it, one of the biggest problems in the comics is jewish coded heroes fighting as Nazis. How well did they avoid this? I don’t know! Someone please add to this! I want to know! 

So, if I hated the crossover, why did I watch it?

The flippant answer is that i hate-watched it. watched it for the sole purpose of leaving a bad review. That’s not really the reason. If it was, why would i complain on tumblr of all places? i think the real reason was that I just had to know. I just wanted to give the dctv the benefit of the doubt because I love the flash so much, and that love ends up extending through a lot of the other shows and characters, and I wanted to trust that even though the whole premise was Bad, that they had a handle on it. I keep coming back because I’ve grown attached to these characters so much, leaving feels like leaving a part of me. But that’s just me, a lot of other people have their reasons for staying, and a lot of it is no longer about the quality of the show itself. It means we’re all holding on by our fingernails desperately trying to hold on to that magic or pretend it hasn’t faded. Eventually we’re going to let go. What does that mean for the show? Are they just going to lose a small portion of fans, or a whole sector? How many are going to find the changes better than the previous season and take our place? I dont know! i live in an internet bubble my dude! Tumblr isn’t great for gathering analytics! All I know is, bad writing doesn’t make or break a cw show. It’s the cw, I mean what do you expect? I signed up for this, i made my bed, i’ve chosen to lie in it, I can get up whenever i want, its just a matter of when because some day, I’m going to get fed up. You might have my view for a little while longer, but you won’t have my confidence, you won’t have my support.

[laurenbaileyctca]

Mitchell’s Tut

Self Portrait 

Andy Warhol

1986

Screen Print on Canvas

This could be it. The greatest moment of my career. I have put everything into this case, my blood, sweat and tears, not to mention my failed marriage. But by the end of today it will all be worth it. Everyone will see that my suspicions were correct, my evidence is damming and that I am the best detective that this precinct has ever seen. The captain will be so proud. I take the last drag of my cigarette that has been speckled with the stray rain drops and toss it into a nearby puddle. Today is too big of a day for me to be concerned about the environment. Warm, stuffy air greets me as I open the doors to the precinct, along with the hustle and bustle of officers and ringing phones. This place has a magic to it, a magic that is created through the smell of stale coffee and the excitement of doing mediocre work. I walk with intention to the integration room, fueled by the determination that has been growing for years. However this walk of power is rudely interrupted by a subordinate who clearly does not have his priorities straight. “Hey there buddy! The wife made you some brownies for the big day-“. Idiot. Without even turning my head I respond. “Shut the fuck up Carl, you are not ruining this for me”. I keep making my way towards the room that is going to close the book on this case. I cant believe it. The file, thick with years of study and evidence is waiting for me outside the door. I pick it up slowly and hold it close to my chest. My deep breath pushes it forward and then returns back to my chest. I feel it, its time. I burst through the interrogation room door a little too abruptly and drop my file. Most of the papers scatter around my feet. Okay not as smooth as I was hoping for but we are going to roll with it. I get up from gathering my papers and I am immediately met with his cold, hard stare. It feels as if he is looking at me but also straight through me. He is unfazed by my presence. I take a seat across the table from him and slam my file onto the desk. “Well, well, well, if it isn’t Mr Warhol”. Nice, that was a super cool phrase to start with. However he remains silent and continues to stare me down.  “Im not here to play games Warhol, I’m here for answers. Its up to you how this plays out, don’t make me be the bad guy”. He scoffs and slowly raises one eyebrow, emphasizing the menacing aesthetic he portrays. He slowly raises his hand and adjusts his disheveled silver wig and for the first time finally responds to me. “Are we not all bad guys?”. Wow, okay deep, but thats what you can expect from an artist. “Your fancy words are not going to help you here”. As soon as I finish my sentence I quickly reach to my right and grab the desk lamp that I made Carl source for me. Its not exactly protocol but I have a flare for the dramatics. I turn it on and directly angle it at his face. A strong red glow emulates from the light, Carl must have added a red gel to the light bulb, nice touch Carl. Warhol, whose face is painted by the red light, winces from the strong light targeting his eyes. “Cut the bullshit, Andy! I want answers and I want them now! What did you do with Marilyn?”. I am of course referring to Marilyn Monroe who died under mysterious circumstances and how shortly after her death Warhol began making artwork based around her looks and persona. “I have no idea what you are talking about, detective”, he says with a humorous tone. Im trying to keep calm but this man is testing me on purpose. My life’s work depends on him opening up to me and he knows this. Its as if he has made it his life work to avoid this very action. Bastard. “Im talking about how you murdered Marilyn for your own personal gain. You knew by taking her out of the public sphere, literally and figuratively, that you could capitalize from her image.” He takes a long hard breath and starts laughing. The kind of laugh that doesn’t root from happiness but instead a place of evil. “Detective, do you really think that I, a humble artist could have pulled this off by myself? You may be on the right path but perhaps you need to take a closer look at the world around you”. He gestures to the window over looking the office. Suddenly something hits me, something I have missed. Through the window I see Carl. We lock eyes and he winks at me. The world feels as if it is closing in on me, I cant breath. How could I have been so stupid. “Carl is your partner?”, I say with a sense of disbelief. “Were you never curious as to why Carl has such an extensive Marylin Monroe dress up collection?” My god, how could I have been so stupid. “You see detective, it wasn't I who killed the girl, it was Carl. I needed Marilyn to sit for me but that was no impossible, so Carl and I struck up a deal. He could live his dream of being Marilyn and I could paint her. It was a win win. So I’m sorry to say this detective but you were wrong.” Everything I had worked for, over so many years was wrong and for nothing. Yes he will still go to prison but I will be the laughing stock of the precinct. I have given too much to this case for it to end like this. In one swift motion I stand up and grab my pistol on my belt. With the gun pointed directly at this beady eyes he smiles one last time. “Capitalize of this, Andy!” As my finger squeezed the trigger I felt no regret for I knew my case was finally closed.

words: 1038

[eastoaksdalestreet]

Chapter 4

CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE AND SEX SCENES

Carol was checking her emails. She was wondering why she hadn't received her bills as it was that time of the month.

Nothing in the inbox.

Closing the laptop, she made a phone call. Something clearly wasnt right. But as she dialled the number, something came through the letter box. Sighing, she went to the letterbox and picked up the envelope.

She looked horrified. Sprawled in big letters was the sentence. 

EVICTION NOTICE.

When Carol read the full contents of the letter and the reason why she and Billie were being evicted, her anguish turned to anger. It was due to Billie’s behaviour with a local gang who had been terrorising the streets.

When Billie came in an hour later, Carol was ready for confrontation. 

“Have you seen that letter on the end table?” She said in a deadly whisper. Billie looked at her and shook his head then Carol thundered,

“ITS AN EVICTION NOTICE THAT’S WHAT IT IS! BECAUSE OF YOU AND THAT BLOODY GANG YOU'VE BEEN KNOCKING ABOUT WITH! TERRORISING THE NEIGHBOURS AND CAUSING TROUBLE! NOW WERE GONNA BE EVICTED AND THAT’S THE LAST THING I NEED AFTER EVERYTHING THAT’S GOING ON!” 

Billie looked at Carol. He had never seen his mother so angry. As she began to cry, Billie didn't know what to do. He could comfort her, that would help but she would push him away. Instead, he retreated to his room, wanting to the most of the time they had left in the flat.

The Barton kids were at college, the farm and school and Moira had the time to spend with John. After finishing her shift early, she and John came home and embraced. Things seemed so perfect for them at the moment and the revelled in the moment. In fact they were so wrapped up in their own happiness that they didn't see Hannah come home and cry due to the bullying she was receiving at school. It had started a few months ago and showed no sign of stopping. It didn't help that things were being posted about her on the internet.

Carol and Billie moved in with Bianca and Ricky, the day after the eviction notice arrived. There was no point of sticking around after that had arrived. The house was crowded but somehow they would manage. Billie knew that he had to get back in his mothers good books and he decided to get a job at Butlers farm helping Adam Barton on the farm. Carol was pleased by his efforts and decided to accompany him.

As Carol and Billie arrived at Butlers farm, Moira was heading into town.

“Oh hello you must be Carol.” She said pleasantly and Carol smiled and nodded,

“That’s right, I’ve come about the job for my son.”

“My Husband is in the house, talk to him about it. He knows about it more than me.” Moira remarked and headed into town.

Carol walked inside and was approached by John and Carol was amazed at handsome he looked, he reminded her of.....

She couldn't think of David. She hadn't heard from him for a long time and began to think that he had lost interest.

“Hello You must be Carol and its Billie that’s after the job. I’m John and Moira is my wife. I’ve got three kids Adam, Holly and Hannah. Is Billie your only child?” John asked and Carol shook her head,

“No I’ve got three other kids, Bianca,Robbie and Sonya. Grown up off course with kids of their own.” Carol said fondly.

“You don’t look like a grandmother to me.” John said sweetly and Carol smiled. She liked him already.

As Carol and John talked, she was aware of what responsibilities Billie would be doing and they enjoyed each others company. 

“Ill send Billie to the farm first thing in the morning. Thank you for giving him a chance. Hes really determined to make a go of another chance.” Carol remarked and John hugged her before they said goodbye. Carol wished she had a man like John, someone to love her and care for her.

It had been two months since Chas and Carls love affair had been exposed and they were now officially a couple. Although Aaron had forgiven Chas, it was clear it would a while before she could repair the damage that she had done.

“You spoken to Aaron?” Carl asked and Chas shook her head.

“Do you think hell ever forgive me?” Chas asked sadly, it was clearly bothering her that Aaron wasn't haven't proper conversations with er like they used too. Carl held her close,

“Yes he will babe. I promise, its just something to get used too.”He whispered. Chas kissed him, feeling the warmth of his body against her and then when she saw the cheeky grin on his face, she lead him upstairs.

Within moments, they were undressed and Carl was pumping away at her on the bedroom floor. Thankfully, Jimmy and Nicola were out with Angelica so there was no chance of getting disturbed. Chas loved it when she and Carl made love to each other, it always made her feel warm and tense.

Sometime later Chas was checking the internet at clothes websites for some deals when an email notification popped up, it was off Aaron.

Hey Mum,

Look at this. Someone is slagging me and you off.

Aaron xxx

Chas clicked the link and her eyes widened when she saw what it said.

“Chas Dingle needs to keep her legs crossed and look after that lunatic of a son of hers. No wonder she cant keep a man.”

Chas felt angry about this. Whoever had sent was gonna get battered good and proper.

Chesney was playing with his dog Schmicheal. He loved the dog dearly and wouldnt be without him. The love he had for him was overwhelming. He lived with his sister Fiz and her husband John whom he didn't like. He didn't make it obvious out of loyalty to Fiz, he loved his sister and she had been more of a mother figure than his own mother Cilla had been.

“Everything alright Ches?” Fiz asked after she came home from work. Chesney nodded,

“Yeah everythings fine.” Chesney remarked with a smile. Fiz was pleased for him.

Before he went Chesney went on Facebook to see what everyone was up too. He laughed at Kirk's photo of himself in the rovers and made sick noises at Becky and Steve then he suddenly was redirected to a website entitled “Worlds biggest losers.co.uk” Chesney was shocked when he read the third paragraph

“Saw a young teen today, heard his name is Chesney. With a name like that i wonder if he can pull.”

Chesney was horrified. Someone had it in for him and they barely knew him.

Fiz came in,

“Chesney you have school tomorrow. Turn that computer off.” She said and Chesney turned to face her.

“Fiz someone is chatting about me and saying things. Look.” Chesney said and he showed the comments to Fiz.

“Were going to the police Chesney. This is Bad!” Fiz said, shocked by this.

As February progressed and no leads regarding the online hate campaign, the residents decided to continue life as normal.

Carla came home after another stressful day at the Underworld. Nothing had improved since Christmas and she was very worried.

“You ok love?” Michelle asked as she came back from a drink with Maria. Carla shook her head,

“Things are falling apart love. I feel like a failure. And to make matters worse, theres stuff going missing like knickers and bra’s. There’s a thief in our factory!” Carla exclaimed. Michelle raised her eyebrows and Carla could see that she was hesitating.

“What is it?” Carla's asked. Michelle hesitated then said,

“I could be wrong but I did Mercedes the other day hanging about by the stock cupboard. Mercedes McQueen. You know her whose sister worked for Roy and Hayley for a bit.”

Carla briefed over this piece of information carefully then she headed out. When she got her hands on Mercedes, there would be hell to pay.

Carla tracked Mercedes outside StreetCars where she was flirting with Lloyd. 

“Oi you come here!” Carla shouted. Mercedes was shocked by Carla’s attitude. It was clear that Mercedes was a thorn in Carla’s side since she started working for her three weeks before.

“What have I done?” Mercedes asked and Carla got wound up.

“Ill tell you what you've done! You've been stealing, you fucking thief!” Carla yelled. Mercedes scoffed,

“What have I supposed to have stolen?!” 

“Dont play the innocent with me! Knickers and Bra’s thats what. And I want them back!” Carla shouted.

Mercedes was getting annoyed.

“I havent stolen anything! This is wrong this is!” She shouted.

“You and your family are nothing but thief's and slappers the lot of you!” Carla shouted and before she knew it Mercedes slapped her in front of Peter who was walking past. He was unsure of what to do.

It wasnt long before a full blown fight took place right in the middle of the street with slaps and punches being administered and insults hurled. The fight was broken up by Michelle after Peter informed her what happened.

Andy returned home after a long day at Butlers farm. It had been tiring and he was keen to get home and sleep. As he walked in, he was shocked to find Victoria still up and on the internet.

“Vic what you doing?” Andy asked and Victoria looked at him.

“Just browsing.” She said quickly,”Its for homework.”

“Right. Well you should be in bed you have school tomorrow.” Andy said and Victoria nodded.

Whitney was checking her emails. She had Billie on her mind and it was evident. She had just sent him flirtatious text messages and loved the responses. She was unaware that Holly also was interested in him and had attempted flirting with him since he started at Butlers farm. As Whitney was about to shut down, a message popped up in her inbox and she clicked the link, Whitney was shocked by the message from the website,

“You would have thought that Whitney Dean would have learned when it comes to men but shes becoming a walking STD given that she is now toying with the affections of The Bartons latest farm boy.”

Whitney was horrified, was someone watching her? She didnt know. 

Carmel was upset. She had become the latest victim to the online hate campaign. She had been looking at her emails and received an anonymous message like Whitney had.

“After doing my research on the McQueen's I've found out the blonde bimbo Carmel is the biggest dumb blonde ever, with her boring personality its no wonder men find her dull.”

Carmel was clearly by this, Mercedes and Jacqui wanted to hound the person down and beat the shit out of them.

Myra came home. She had been to a party at the Dog and Pond and looked quite nice. She saw the troubled look on Carmels face and sat beside her,

“Whats up love? Your still upset over that comment about you arent you? Listen Carmel you are beautiful inside and out and your a sweet girl and that why Men fall in love with you, take no notice of some idiot on the internet, their not worth it.” Myra said and Carmel smiled at her.

Whitney was once more on the internet analysing the comments about the others including the comment about herself. She wondered what the motive was behind the hate campaign. Was it bitterness? Jealousy? A cruel joke? She didnt know.

As she wrote a secret admirer not to Billie, another message appeared on the website. Whitney analysed the message, it was about Billy Mitchell.

“Billy is by far the biggest idiot Walford has ever seen and I should know. I know him from my being on the game days. He is forever gonna be alone they way he is going.”

Whitney stood up and turned the computer off.

 As Whitney was about to leave, she received a text message from Billie,

Wanna meet up later? x

It was off Billie and Whitney smiled as she replied,

I will later, Think Ive made a breakthrough with this campaign on the internet xx

Whitney headed out and made sure Ryan didnt catch her in the process.

Val and Eric Pollard owned a BandB in Emmerdale not far away from the woolpack. It was a popular place and they were very proud of it. Whitney had got the address from Holly and instead of going in, she went round the back, she saw the culprit behind the hate campaign.

It was Janine Butcher.

“How could you?! Why did you do that?! Put all that stuff on the internet!” Whitney shouted. Janine looked at her,

“Dont know what your on about!” She said unconvincingly. Whitney went for her but was stopped by Val.

“The online bullying! You've been saying awful things about people! Making people’s lives a misery!” Whitney yelled. Janine rolled her eyes.

“People need to get a grip, its only abit of light entertainment, people need to chill out over some daft comments i didn't even mean!” 

Whitney slapped her then and had to be pulled back by Val who was worried the other customers would see.

“What about teenage girls who feel rubbish about themselves already without having some bitch like you making it worse for them?! Hannah Barton ring any bells?!”

“What?! Ive never picked on teenage girls, I dont know anyone called Hannah Barton, I may have said some things about some other people but definitely not anyone of that name! Shes probably a victim of school bullying!” 

Whitney looked at Janine with utter disgust and she walked away with Val and Eric looking bewildered at Janine.

John and Hannah headed to the Sugdens. John was determined to get to the bottom of who was sending stuff on the internet about Hannah. He knew Hannah hadnt been the only one who had malicious comments been posted about her but today it was going to end.

 Diane came to the door, surprised to see John.

“Diane, can I speak to Victoria please?” John asked. Diane looked at him,

“What for? Whats she done?” She asked, oblivious to what was going on. Victoria came downstairs, she had somehow expected this.

“Have you seen the comments on this chat room thing?!” John said sharply to Victoria who looked at the screenshot that he had taken.Victoria was shaken by what had been said.

“This is disgusting Victoria, you should know better than that!” John shouted, Victoria became tearful and Diane folded her arms,

“Im so disappointed in you Victoria I really am.” She said sternly and Victoria was sent to her room.

“Im so sorry John I had no idea.” Diane said solemnly, John nodded.

“At least it could be over now. I hate it when my kids are distressed.” John said before taking Hannah home.

When they got home, Moira had headed to bed early due to illness, Adam was out with Aaron and Holly was in hers and Hannahs room.

“Thats for you help Dad. But what if im hated for being the school grass? Does it make me look weak?” Hannah asked. John held her close.

“No it doesnt darling. It makes them look like a spiteful pair of idiots.” He said and Hannah smiled. 

“Im going to go to bed now Dad.” She said as she hugged him.

As Hannah went into her bedroom, she checked on her hamster Lily. She smiled to herself as she feed her, happy to her torment was over. She didn't know whether to forgive Victoria for her betrayal. 

As Hannah got into her pyjama’s, she saw something sticking out of Holly’s old dollhouse. It looked like a small clear packet containing white powder. Hannah’s eyes widened when she saw what it really was.

It was cocaine.

Next time: A Newcomer causes havoc, The Rovers briefly comes under new management and Aaron gets acquainted with an attractive newcomer.

[fashiontrendin-blog]

The Psychology of Ghosting and Why People Can’t Stop Doing It

http://fashion-trendin.com/the-psychology-of-ghosting-and-why-people-cant-stop-doing-it/

The Psychology of Ghosting and Why People Can’t Stop Doing It

My ghost is named Tom.

He’s persistent, this ghost. He likes haunting my dreams, catching me off-guard in the milk-sweet land of sleep, slipping into my unconscious and rattling the cage of my brain. I dream he’s back in my life, unapologetic and unreformed, still cheating and gaslighting and drinking too much. In these dreams, I am still desperate for answers, asking him over and over why he vanished, why he gave up his flesh-and-blood self and became this ghost that — even after seven years, three new cities, countless dates and the love of a good man, the best I’ve ever known — I still can’t shake.

Ghosting (the term we’ve assigned to the sudden disappearance of a romantic interest) has become synonymous with modern romance: A 2016 Plenty of Fish survey revealed 78% of users had been ghosted. When I did my own Insta-investigation, I received dozens of responses, ranging from righteous indignation to extreme chill. “Rude but inescapable” seems to be the general agreement among those I spoke to about ghosting in the age of online dating.

It’s not that the dating “slow fade” is new (one girl told me she had a friend in high school who called it “two-weeking”: After hooking up with a girl, he’d ignore her entirely for two weeks — just long enough, he said, for her to get the picture), but technology has shifted the landscape by presenting a version of the world that feels both impossibly small and intoxicatingly large. One unreturned letter in the 1800s and you could warm yourself at night with the strong odds that he perished of scurvy; now, we’re able to see our ghosts out in the world, eating brunch, Instagram Story-ing the weird bird they saw on the walk to work. Combine that with the inherent dehumanization of online dating, in which complex individuals are reduced to swipeable avatars, and what we’ve created is a flourishing breeding ground for people for whom honest, direct communication feels not only unpalatable but unnecessary.

F. Diane Barth, a New York-based psychotherapist and the author of the new book I Know How You Feel: The Joy and Heartbreak of Friendship in Women’s Lives, says that while ghosting as we understand it isn’t new, the way we have pathologized it is. “In the past, a person could stop calling or dropping by,” she says, “but now we have so many more ways of disconnecting from a person, like being unfriended or unfollowed.” Online dating also provides the comfort blanket of partial anonymity: There likely aren’t mutual friends to call you out on your callous behavior, nor shared physical spaces that force interaction. “Our communities are larger now,” says Barth, “so it’s entirely possible you might never, ever run into them again.”

The Anatomy of the Ghosted

Modern ghosting can impart a distinct and isolating feeling of shame for those who experience it. “People who have been ghosted often feel that they are the person who has done something wrong,” says Barth. “You’ve been dropped off the edge of the earth, which is very traumatic. You don’t think about how many other people this has happened to, but rather that there must be something wrong with you.”

Barth notes that shame is the brain’s natural reaction when “something or someone interrupts us in the middle of doing something we are enjoying.” Our natural instinct is to “undo the situation” so we can get back to that feeling of happiness. When we can’t — when we are, in fact, cut off completely from the source of the good feeling — we look for ways to explain away the bad feelings: She didn’t want to commit, he didn’t like my laugh. “No matter how you explain it to yourself, though,” writes Barth, “your psyche is trying to undo the sense of disruption of the good feelings. Shame is a reaction to having a circuit in your emotional system broken.”

Am I not funny? Do people not get my jokes?

It’s a very particular wound and one that is becoming inescapably familiar. Former online dater and ghostee Kelsey says her primary reaction to being ghosted was the feeling that she must be the problem. “We’re obsessed with fine-tuning and laboring over our superficial appearances (both in-person and online),” she says. “So when we’re ghosted, I think we often jump to trying to figure out what in that outer shell wasn’t well-received, and we let that disapproval soak into our inner layers that define us. We cycle through our insecurities. … Oh shit, did he not think that was funny? Am I not funny? Do people not get my jokes? Oh crap, is that what I’m giving off?”

The shame is compounded by a feeling of being duped. Alexandra was ghosted by a guy she’d been dating for a few weeks. “On our first date, we talked for six hours straight and ended it in a moonlit make-out,” she says. “He talked about cooking together after we had sex in my kitchen. We went on mini field trips — to the beach! to the cliffs! — and had after-work check-ins where he’d call me on his way home to hear about my day. And then, one day, he went from telling me he was addicted to me to only speaking if spoken to. He would weasel out of committing to a plan. He would hit me with a ‘Hey!’ on the Sunday evening of a weekend where he’d assured me he would be seeing me.”

Eventually, she says, she’d had enough. “I told him I was an adult and needed planning, that I couldn’t just keep my schedule endlessly open for him on the off chance he was free. He apologized, promised he’d do better, promised we’d see each other with more regularity. But it dwindled until our interactions were reduced to him watching my Insta Stories while I was halfway across the world on a hiking trip.”

She’s now happily cohabitating with someone else but still has trouble shaking the experience. “I think he was dishonest about how he felt about me, which made me feel like a fool. And yet he didn’t have the strength to just tell me.”

The Anatomy of the Ghoster

To state the obvious: It’s rude, plain and simple, to fail to consider another person’s feelings. We’re talking preschool lessons, the golden rule. We all learned this. So why do the ghosts ghost?

“For me, the motivation was rooted in a strong aversion to being honest about my emotions, usually for fear of hurting feelings,” says Andy, reforming ghoster. “I found that it was easier to let silence do the talking than force myself to utter, ‘I had a nice time, but I don’t feel a connection’ or whatever you’re supposed to say.”

Others, like the man I have decided to spend my life with, are less apologetic. “It was the path of least resistance,” he says. “It was often because I’ve met someone else [Author’s note: It me.], and I’m just anticipating that awkward conversation and want to avoid it. When it’s someone you haven’t been dating long or you’ve been casual with, I think that there is this emerging establishment of a new norm, which is just — that’s now the way we break up with people. I do think that it’s kinder than telling someone you’re not interested in them or that you met someone better.”

He’s not alone in this; numerous people I spoke to said that in our dating universe, ghosting is both acceptable and even considerate. “It’s almost polite if the relationship was casual enough,” says Aubrey, a former ghoster and ghostee (now married). “There is something humiliating and patronizing in a dude I’ve gone out with twice ‘breaking up’ with me.”

Ghosting seems like a cop-out for people to avoid adult conversations.

Andy, turning over his new leaf, says he gives himself a pep talk before communicating his emotions to keep himself from ghosting. “The question I ask myself when the situation arises is: What’s the absolute worst thing that can happen after telling someone you don’t want to go out again? Maybe they’d be like ‘Fuck you!! You’re a sad pathetic loser! Boy bye.’ I can live with that.”

Barth agrees that some explanation is (almost) always better than none at all. “People say they ghost because ‘they didn’t want to hurt feelings.’ And yes, people who are broken up with directly will likely experience some hurt, but the thing about ghosting is that there’s no closure.” Ghosting, she says, leaves the person who was ghosted with the humiliating impression that whatever relationship they believed existed was all in their head, that they were not worth so much as a farewell text.

Julia, happily single and dating, made it a practice to always offer an explanation after a blind date called her out at a party six months later for not responding to her texts. “I had to sneak out of the party because she wouldn’t drop it,” she says. “I have a hard rule now that I always send a text to say if I don’t want to hang again. It’s awkward, but it saves the drama.”

When I was first dating in New York, I found myself making up excuses and dodging calls to avoid telling guys I didn’t want to see them again. At the time, I was terrified of seeming rude or unlikable, and the attention I received (whether wanted or not) felt like an affirmation that I was worthy and wouldn’t be alone forever. Eventually, the stress of trying to be likable while simultaneously dodging contact became absurd. A few friends and I collaborated on a standard text we’d send when we didn’t want to see someone again (please feel free to borrow, copyright not necessary, works for all genders, just trying to do the lord’s work): “Thanks for a great night! I didn’t feel any romantic energy between us, but I wish you all the best out there.”

Some (again, I’m MARRYING this man) argue that silence is, in fact, an answer of its own. “If you text someone once, twice, and they don’t respond — I mean, that is a response. That speaks very loudly. You just don’t want to hear it.”

The Anatomy of Closure

But the problem with silence is that it leaves a deep, dark hole — one it is all too easy to fill with a foggy combination of insecurity, self-loathing and confusion.

Lauren was platonically ghosted by someone she considered one of her closest friends. “I literally did almost everything with her,” she tells me. “And then one day, she just quit calling and texting and responding to me. And then she unfollowed me on all social. … It was heartbreaking.” There were signs, in hindsight, that this woman had a callous streak; still, Lauren said, she’s unable to come up with any explanation for her behavior, and years later, it still feels like a betrayal. “I feel like I’m a pretty nice and reasonable person, so if something were wrong, I feel as though she should have discussed it with me,” she said. “Ghosting seems like a cop-out for people to avoid adult conversations.”

In the absence of closure, what we are left with is a bewildering array of questions — questions that, it’s important to remember, might never be answered even if the relationship had ended on our own terms. “Relationships are always two-sided, and we can’t know everything that is going on in the other person,” reminds Barth. “If you’ve asked for closure and they haven’t been able to provide it, you’re going to stay stuck if you keep asking. You need to give up the idea that it can be solved.”

Barth recommends talking openly to friends about your experience. “Keeping [ghosting] to yourself increases the feeling of hurt and pain and isolation,” she says. “The more you can talk about it, the more you can get feedback that will help you process it.” Building this support system can also remind you of all the connections you do have: strong, beautiful friendships, a loving family, coworkers who respect you — relationships that rely not on superficialities, but on another person seeing you fully and embracing who you really are. “You need to work really hard to remember that it isn’t about you,” says Barth. “The reason that someone [ghosted] — it’s their difficulty in having to be honest.”

After multiple ghostings through online dating, Kelsey deleted her apps. Getting over being ghosted was going to require a new outlook, she realized. “It took some time and a lot of distraction, but I was finally able to ask myself the underlying question — why were these strangers making me feel bad about myself? Why was I giving up my sense of worth as a companion entirely to this pool of bachelors? Why was my vulnerability extending to all aspects of self, instead of just limiting it to what it actually was — the viability of compatibility with this particular individual?”

When she did start dating again, she says, it felt completely different. “I wasn’t checking the app constantly. I wasn’t eager to swipe and double-tap and labor over the wittiest retort. I didn’t feel the need to calculate the perfect time between responses and, most importantly, I didn’t fill the idle time with all of the reasons I had come to believe he thought I wasn’t worth it. I went out on dates and gave myself one rule of my own — hang out with guys if it sounds fun, and if it doesn’t sound fun, then don’t.”

And when she wasn’t interested? “I would tough it up and politely decline a follow-up date,” she says. “I did that both in-person and over texts, and both are uncomfortable but important. And every guy I did that to replied with appreciation and understanding.”

My ghost and I dated for eight years, and then we didn’t. Tom stopped coming home at night, stopped answering the phone and moved all of his belongings out of our apartment while I was out of town. It wasn’t as linear as all that, of course — he’d call crying or show up unexpectedly and then disappear again over the course of a few months — but when he finally did leave for good, when I found out he had been sleeping with his best friend’s girlfriend, the closest I ever got to an explanation was, “I just can’t do this anymore.”

He’s still out there — married, balding, in the city where I left him — but we haven’t spoken since. I do not imagine he ever thinks of me. I hate that I am the one left with these questions, although maybe what I am really left with is simply my own obstinate feeling that I was owed more than what I got. I have filled the space he left behind with narratives I wrote to suit my own purposes, but the truth is, humans are just bad sometimes. We do bad things — things we said we’d never do. Sometimes, the simplest, kindest thing you can do is try to explain why.

Illustrations by Gabrielle Lamontagne.

[bloojayoolie]

Af, Being Alone, and Animals: but i dd spend about 2 months looking ater a small dude ranch oper碵on dring the winter months artednh intemet hookup, onine stuf handled by small ofice in town hang around, shoot funs 게ttledaknow,more pay and-phone ine but tostay durngan e during summ card the costco a d load up on food because %ck dealing ith that road more than neccesary out meals and such have all the food, need for the 2 months but forgot sham g suppies always forget so ething fuck t week one i started talking to the horses week two, they started talking a half spam cans of by hand, used shovel and dug trench and tunnel nelwork theough the ever deepening snow Ip9 a master of moving within my winter hours in attempt to tack, wrestle and ho e de deer for domestication, brethy entertaned idea of using said doe as tckpuppet ala 222897 nearly succeeded, doe managed to break loose before i could finish the kno DO manage to succeed in knäing coyote to death one night, shoot others and brain tan hides into fur cape for other unnasnow escapades many strange things those nights, some creatures one might call a skinwalker, wendigo or worse onger fear these beasts for i have become frozen death itsel from the snow cappad peaks of each building the the tunnel system beneath the snow around the property i have absolute dominion i need othe merest hostile act against the ranch is met by thundering death from my Mosin 거 rout ely catch small animals by hand and either play with them for a short while before setting them loose or silently dispatching them with my hands before they go into the stewpot but alas, al good things must come to an end one moming i hear a faint sound, one i havent heard in a long time, ike the fragment of a lyric to a forgotten song sound about like that hibernating bear i found roof of the bam i see i gaze down upon my crystal world, the shot, bayoneted, kniied, clubbed and sodomized remains of the snowman wars, the harse herd looling to me their leader for guidance, all along the treeline, creatures both large and small cowering beneath my finty gaze, twin chips of ice peering out from my coyote skin cloak guest cabin habt with the snowmen before i attempt to speak and let him know im right behind him im close enough i could bayonet him and must resist the urge my voice cracks in an attempt to say helo from long under use thought i was going to get fired, and nearly dd, but ater he asked about everything that went on and seeing that tha ranch was in perfect order he decided that as long as i showared i could keap the look and we incorporated a whole "mountain man workshop" for the guests, teach them a lttle bushcrat, simple survival stuf and i got a raise out of t. i)00 23.10 No 1:17:42 No.20980609 (36 KB i would gueSS Bam was gambrel style, lot has hay and feed storage, snow pilled to the sides and with a ltle work i managed to build a set of stairs to the pesk and set up a smal snow hut, just big enough for me, my mosin and some smal snacks to lay down in. had small windows al around soi being alone for that long does strange things to you, you gain an intimate knowledge of everything around you. the moment somathing doesnt jve, you are instantly aware of it >be chilin ith my newest addition to coyate fur cloak up on the roof, chowing dowm on some jerky, almost late aftemoon, overcast can hear the satt movements af the horse herd below me a tant knacker n0w and then maxed with their ating and breathing -hear one of them give a brief snort and the rest go silent, no movement giancing to my left i can see one of the roans looking intently to the southwest, into the wind an instant later it hits me, a smell lie rotten meat mixed with an teenagers gym clothes locker that got left over the summer with some kind of a musk to it as well -crouching in my snow hut i pull out my monocular and scan the treeline on the other side of the pasture to the south, that last coyote i bagged was in that direction i find the spot where i had skinned it out, and i know right where the carcass should be i look down the the horses and can see them ail still looking in that direction, not moving no neighs or even nervous wickering between them > pop open the ammo can i keep up there, grab a few fresh stripper clips to tuck into my coat and slide down the slope i set next to the stairs on the north side of the bam snowghost my way along the fence line still keeping my ears open, the smell has faded somewhat, but the musk still lingers like greasy ingerprints on a reshly poished 1911 at a store malke my way to the southen Sence lne, al i can make out is the faint indentations of where snow has fallen to cover my tracks from two days ago yards away, c decide tuck it and walk over to where the coyote was, i can see the drag marks clearly, right over the tracks of whatever grabbed it stracks are deep, but obscured by the drag and whatever took it left by the same path i arrived, cutting east, deeper into the woods, you go far enough and you hit the bob marshall that deep musky scent is stil strong, sticks in your nose the the ofactory equivalent of peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth, but not nearly as tasty can see from the way the tracks are spaced whatever it was had a long, bipedal stride, sinking almast twice as deep as my own bootprints into the snow fuly intended to leave the carcass tor scavengers and the like, but seems we have a new player n the game made my way back to the bam,horses are stil fiocated on the southerm pasture line, figure ill stock a few provisions in the haylaft othis marks the start of many a night spand buried in the warm hay pretty used the the night noises around the place, coyotes yowing, maybe a cat screetch and owls caling out dead fucking sience, even the horses kept close to the bam and quiet as snowal didnt get much sleep that night, that musky smell had finally worn off by about dark next few days were uneventful, not a whole hell of a lot happening. second wave of snow fascists attemped to take the stronghold that is my snow fortress and were repelled by a wave of glorious 7.62x54 musk smell slamming crouched low and took a snow trench to the bam stairs and made my way fort, peering over the edge i could see something movng by the treeline down had dark brown fur coering t at least thats what it looked ike, it stayed low whle it moved othe head appeared elongated ending in a blunt muzzle, almost like a bear, but almost like if you took a rottweilers head, took off the ears, scaled R up and covered it in coarse brown hair a deer fronm son of a bitch, that one was MINE exe and its up and looking around, stil with a slight hunch but this thing is BIG, like &- after a momenttgrabs its prize around the nock with a single long arm and takes of into the woods again, i give it a whle before investigating fuck trying to find this thing in >茁the same time, im pissed this thing has the GALL to malest my territory, a strange thought comes into my mind this is my tentory ill mark it how i like, right slong where ts tracks go from the treeline to the clearing before the fence, i piss all along it, took a steaming dump right in one of its foot prints over the next couple af days wat and observe the whole time i cant shake the feeing that im being watched as well also starting to figure out why the boss managed to buy this ranch bunk house making some combread to go with my chǔ when i hear the horses start raising 9 lands of hell, 2 types of chaos and a side of mayhem throw on my coat, grab my mosin and afix the bayonet as i charge out the door towards the corrals in almost knocked ormy feet by the smell first of. smells like a wookie in heat, but i cant see anything looming まof the growing darkness o i make it the main corral attached to the bam and i can see all the horses are panicking, shying away from one side of the comal, the one part of > cant be sure but i would bet money ts he head of the same one i saw it take a few days ago, trn of the neck、just below the head -looking to the treeline i can see a form fading into the pines >bury the head and get the horses calmed down, head back to the cabin othis spooked my horses, made me bum my combread and kiled a deer in MY temitory the next day i keep an eye out, head towards the northem pastures and manage to back another coyote, but i bring the whole carcass back with me this time mother fucker >skin it out carefully, made sure to leave the guts intact, save the hide for later use and bury the carcass underneath some old straw to let it ripen bloated and mpe cayote gather a few pine bows and use an E tool, did a bed to lie down in, cover my tracks with the pine boughs and line the bed with them >Open up cayote and leave it about 10 ft in front of me, cover up my last tracks, fox bayonet, chamber a round and cover my sef with snow now the wating game begins >manage to get used the the rotten coyate smell ater awhile, toes are cold but not the numbness that heralds the numbness of hostbite, thank god for redwings the my □ Anonymous 02/19/16(Fn)03 1056 No 28981228 File its footsteps were barely making a sound in the snow with that musky odor getting stronger with each footfal a hard time controlling my aven wth could see moving through the trees now but my first thoughts on a bearike or dog head and muzzle were wro g. andi ealized where had sr elled something like this musk before long legs and torso leading to powerul shoulders what i guess at a hunch was the neck of an oversized goat head, easily almost 3 meters tall black beady eyes wth a malevolence in themn and stumpy homs pushing theough the hair above ts brow i could see the greasy hair of its chin dripping with saliva leaking from the coners of its mouth as it snifed the air sounding for all the world ike an enormous set of bellows it snorted out a fetid plume as it raised it head and looked past my position to the bam and ranch seemingly satisfed, it stepped out of the trees, crouched and moved towards the coyote, i wated as it got closer 30 s15 sucking in as much air as i could i leap from my concealed position, bringing my mosin up over my head and shouted for all i was worth that sound that came out ofl me i dont think i could ever replicate, Ei did it would have t everything was contained in that scream, every shouted order to for bayonets and charge, every screaming bails on fre rush across no mans land, every howl of fury as blades met, and every roar of primitive fury that another dare take what is mine stopping dead in its tracks i reared up to its full teerible height, almost twice mine in boots and coyote coat >summoning up another shout i shouldered the rifle and took a pace forward, how, i dont know, i was ready to piss mysef with my own stupidity this was something alse, this was a force of nature, and i was going to stand aganst it File ducking its head it glared at me with those obsidian orbs of primordial hunger, this creature was contesting its claim s own, the bass loose the tenuous hold i had u ears i couldet move forward everything in me was screaming to cut an run, but as i stood there gazing down the abused wooden length mosin, the dings and pts in the stock stood dont lonow how, i dont know why, but i took strengh in that, this weapon had faced monsters before, faced an unstoppable machine and brought with a snort of fetid breath it moved to take another step forward anawering with another cro-magnon hol i stode forward, standing over the offending ple of guts that had become the Ine in the snow a scarce few yards from me stood a creature out of forgotten legends, a nightmare made mandest glaring at me with hatred a low rumbling growl bat that i could feal in my chest as its lips skinned back over foul teeth in twisted parody of a grin, baring teeth that had no business in even an over sized goats mouth a third primitive scream escaped my lips as i sighted just over its shoulder and ired my mosin erupted from the i stepped forward, past the coyote, and raised the rifle above my head, stretching upwards on the balls of my feet for as much extra height i could muster, screaming at the top of my lungs for whatever reason, that was enough, backing up and fnally tuning around, it stalked off into the woods somehow deep down in that primitive part of my bran knew i had won, but the ratonal part of my brain stil wanted to piss myself 02/19/16(Fr003 40 50 № 28981350 the barn with a bottle never came across another kill anywhere on the property ater that, found tracks, but never aywhere near the perimeter clearing between the fence and the tree line. even sighted it from a distance a few times after that, but alwarys from a long ways i made the barest mention to the boss ater he had been back for awhile, but he just chalked it up to al the other crazy shenanigans id been up too while i held down the fort for 2 months, but wasnt realy interested. tried talking to a few tribal elders, but none of them wanted anything to do with me thats pratty much it for spooky stones from that tima gave each other a fairly wide berth.