#something about some of the posts on this site are just saw traps for people with ocd
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i think the concept of saw trap logic has done wonders for both my mental health and how i deal with some of the godawful posts on this website. it kind of reframes them in the same light as scams for me
it kinda goes something like "is this a genuine argument, or is this post an elaborate setup (making up a guy, worst faith interpretation, etc) to convince me i'm a terrible person without making me think to question it"
#morrisounds#im pretty sure i got it from a post about ocd#something about some of the posts on this site are just saw traps for people with ocd#the quick way to ID scams ime is ''is this a warning or is this trying to get me to pay/click a link without thinking as fast as possible''#when in doubt go to the source (ask the supposed sender/visit the site from a link NOT provided in the email etc)#anyways examples of saw trap logic are the ''you need to support ai because it 'allows' disabled people to make art'' post (make up a guy)#and pretty much any reply section on any post on this godforsaken site (worst faith interpretation)
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Reading the Room at a 5th Grade Level: MC's Curse and Taiga's Memory Issues???
Hi. My name is Yuri and I am an idiot. You see, when I downloaded Tokyo Debunker and I saw what happened to the MC I was confused. "Why did everything go red?" I asked myself. "It's like we were in another dimension!" I unhelpfully said at some point probably. Well I finally googled the name of the station the MC said "was not her usual stop" and guess what? I should have done that way fucking sooner because it's related to a Japanese urban legend, much like Takeru in Episode 2. And helps me with what I noticed yesterday while I was re-reading the Hotarubi episode.
This post contains spoilers for Hotarubi's Episode, viewer discretion is advised.
When the MC is contacted by the spirit who allegedly curses her she is riding the train home from a concert. She receives a text message from someone with a spider lily profile picture, in English their user name is "Mina." Before we are confronted by Mina, the conductor announces that the train's next stop is Kisaragi Station, a station that dear reader, does not exist. It's also extremely famous! But I am not smart or up to date on horror things so I didn't know (⁄ ⁄•⁄-⁄•⁄ ⁄) so sorry if this is all stuff you guys already knew.
Kisaragi Station
The original post about Kisaragi station was, as best I can tell, made on a site called 2chan, which is a Japanese anonymous forum. I was able to find a post about it on r/nosleep from 2019 which claims that people started posting about it on reddit in 2010, and another post on Quora translating a thread that was posted to twitter. There are a few common themes to the urban legend, but there are three I find particularly relevant to our situation.
The station is believed to be on the border of our world and the "other world." It is possible to leave the station, we will get into how in a moment, but attempting to leave it by following the train tracks will get you killed. Especially if you attempt to cross through the train tunnel, that will take you across the point of no return. The original post describes hearing the sound of drums and bells, similar to a Japanese festival, that get louder the closer you get to the tunnel. Accepting rides from people in the vicinity of the station will also kill you. Cell service is active in the area, but you aren't able to find location information and people will not be able to find you. The anomaly on the train we see isn't tied to Kisaragi Station as far as I can tell, and I have been combing through various yokai to see if I can find anything like it but so far I haven't had much luck.
Back to how to leave the station, you have to light something on fire. Specifically something that causes smoke. Paper seems to be the most common suggestion. It's a small detail, but since the game starts with us seeing the school on fire I thought it was an interesting thing to note.
I added Taiga into the title of the post as in the translated twitter thread, the concept of memory loss the longer you stay in Kisaragi is brought up. We never actually see Taiga leave the station, and the MC only leaves it because Haku does something with his artifact. In Episode 5 Haku says he was not using his stigma to put the children's spirits to rest, implying that spiritual energy adn stigmas are different powers he can use. I am going to propose something kind of crazy at the end of this entire post about Haku, but for now just dealing with the facts presented in game he specifically says he "cordoned off" the area. Does he mean that he took the train to Kisaragi station? Or was MC always going there? And if he was the one responsible for doing that then uh. How did Taiga leave the station and get back to Darkwick? Was he trapped there and did he wander around for a long time, doing permanent damage to his memory in the process? Or am I over thinking this and he lost track of the anomaly and lit something on fire so he could leave. I like the idea of him lighting the station on fire and the ghosts asking him to leave, but that's probably not what happened lol
Red
When the train reaches Kisaragi Station in game, the color pallet swaps to red. Much like it does in Episode 5 when MC receives a certain visitor:
We learn later on that this is Zenji, and that Zenji is dead. MC seems to be reacting to his presence and I would like to think that the color choice is deliberate. If we go back to Episode 2, Takeru only has light amounts of red shading around him in his comic panels, when he kills the streamer and when Alan beats the shit out of him are two that immediately come to mind. Interacting with him does not turn the world red like interacting with Zenji or Kisaragi Station does, further strengthening Leo's conclusion about him being a Talupa and not a ghost as this red tint seems to be used for when MC is interacting with the spirit world. Which I am once again asking, how did Taiga get home from Kisaragi Station? Did he carjack a Taxi ghost?
This raises some questions about the anomaly that cursed MC. Is it a ghost and is it something unique to Japan? And if neither of those things are true then why was Haku there? I can think of two reasons for him to be there: the first is if he is there to keep an eye on Taiga for Cornelius/the Institute because Sinostra is on probation but they need him (he was specifically assigned this mission because of how aggressive he is) or it was meant to be a Hotarubi mission because it fit their criteria but Haku couldn't handle it so they arranged for Taiga to come along with him. That last thing is sort of countered by Haku saying that he doesn't think Hotarubi would be able to help with the MC's curse, but he could be lying about that I suppose.
Anyway who wants to hear my really stupid out there reason for why Haku is there-
The Part of the Show Where I do a line of coke Cope
So hear me out, what if Haku's stigma is time travel. So in this post on the subreddit donsaadali suggested that the powers you pick from in the personality test are powers the ring could give MC. I had the thought before that maybe it was a list of stigmas that the various characters had completely forgetting about the time travel line. But it does sort of fit with my line of thinking: make people follow my orders? That's Jin. Elemental powers? Towa. The others: extreme luck, never having to sleep, shapeshifting, and gravity control aren't ones that we have concrete information about but I am tempted to say that "extreme luck" could be Taiga, as turning things into ammo struck me as a quality of his artifact and not his stigma but I'm not really convinced of that. Anyway, if Haku can time travel, he could go back in time, pick up MC, and bring her back to Darkwick even if that's not what happened in the first place and Taiga was the one who brought her back the first time! But why he would do that is lost on me. Well not completely lost, I do think he wants to "help" her but with what and why is not something I have a theory on just yet.
To be clear, that was just me spitballing. I do not really think that Haku's stigma is time travel, there isn't enough evidence for me to think that. I do think that if there is a timeloop going on he is probably aware of it, but again. I don't know why.
Sources
Translated original post (x)
The above post also has a youtube video linked at the top if you want an audio version of the post and some other train related stories
Translated Twitter thread (x)
Shitty r/nosleep post (x)
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𝒖𝒏𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒅
this is the more extended version of my unwanted drabble, thank you to @jessybarnes for some of the ideas. I hope you all enjoy.
summary - steve tricked you before kidnapping you, leaving you locked away in the basement as you begin to mess with his mind.
warning - angst, mentions of killing, mentions of sadness, mentions of being trapped.
the gif and headers I use aren't mine.
Warnings and Reminders - Please do not plagiarise, copy, repost/republish, adapt, or translate any of my work on any social media platforms, apps, or third-party sites. The only platforms I post my work on are: Tumblr and Wattpad. I do not own any character of any franchise (Marvel etc.) All my works are fiction and may be dark or triggering content: READ ALL WARNINGS BEFORE PROCEEDING.
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“What? You want me to meow or something?”
Steve sat there shocked, staring at you with wonder. It’s as if you had no care and weren’t freaking out like others. He stares into your eyes, seeing nothing there, and his head tilts as he looks at you. “No..?” He looks confused, wondering. “How do you feel?”
“I don’t.” You state, turning your head back to the wall and staring at it. You miss how his eyebrows shoot up. “So… When are you going to kill me?” You pick at your nails, continuing to feel stupid for thinking someone like him would actually want you. You turn your head when you don’t hear a response and tilt your head as he stares at you, confused. “That’s why you tricked me, right? To kill me, you didn’t exactly pretend to like me, drug me, and tie me up in your basement because you’re madly in love with me, and that’s the only way you thought you could get me.”
“You’re not afraid? Why aren’t you screaming, crying or swearing at me?” He’s so confused, getting closer to you, kneeling before you as he looks into your eyes. “Why is there nothing? You’re so empty.”
You blink, staring at him blankly. “If you don’t mind, ‘Steve’. I would like not to talk and for you to just get to the point.” You move away from him, crawling up the bed and lying on your back as you stare at the ceiling. “I’ll be here… Waiting patiently for my death. Not like I have anywhere to go.”
You let out a sigh when he left the room, one side of your mind begging for him to stay and the other staying quiet. You couldn’t let yourself fall for his stupid face again, and you didn’t want to beg someone to love you. You wanted that to come naturally. But you don’t think that will ever happen because… You were you, and people didn’t like what they saw.
Steve was curious, and you were like a puzzle to him. He had never met anyone so void of emotion and missed the woman he met. You seemed so happy and carefree, sure. He did notice that you were more closed off and didn’t seem to let him so close. He wanted to change that. He needed some sort of reaction, some sort of emotion. How can you be so calm during all this? Steve left you alone for a while, barely acknowledging the other women locked up, barely acknowledging his wife and kids, or the women he promised dates to. You were occupying his mind, and it was driving him crazy. He had destroyed most of the upstairs, trying anything to get you out of his head. He couldn’t take it. The look in your eyes, your words, it was all getting to him.
Steve remembered your dates and how you told him about the books you used to write. He recalled that you said it was the only thing that made you genuinely feel something, and an idea sparked. Steve gathered a notebook, some pens, and some food and water before making his way down to the basement. He knocks on the door before sliding it open and smiling at you. “I brought you something that I think you’ll enjoy.” You continue to stare at the wall, your eyes tired. Steve sighs, softly walking over and placing the items before you. “I’m trusting you with these pens, but if you do something—”
“You’ll what? Kill me?” You scoff, eyes slowly moving to connect with his. “That was already your plan, and this would make the killing go faster.” You roll your eyes, barely looking at the things he placed before you. “Did you need anything else? Because I’d rather you just hurry this along.” Your head turns again, ignoring him because what was the point of giving him any more attention?
“Why are you behaving like this? I bought you some of the things I remember you talked about. You should at least feel happy?” Your head falls back as you let out a laugh, startling Steve, who stares at you as if you’ve grown three heads. “What? What’s so funny?!” Why wouldn’t you just submit?! Why were you so different from the others?! It bewildered Steve how you could sit so emotionless and then laugh as if he had said something funny.
“You. Do you think giving me a notebook and pens would suddenly make me happy? Did you not stop to think that you are the problem? I have already come to terms with the fact that no one will ever love me, that you only pretended so you could kidnap me and kill me. So why aren’t you killing me?! Why are you taking your sweet time?!” You snap, struggling against the chains as you stand and move toward Steve, punching his chest. “Kill me! Kill me, goddammit!” You scream, your eyes are still emotionless, yet your words hold so much power.
Steve holds your wrists, stopping you from hitting him. He stares down at you, wondering why his heart clenches like this. “No.” He moves away, needing to get out of this room and get away from you as you make his head fuzzy. He watches as you stare at him in disbelief.
“So, what… I’m not good enough to love and not good enough to kill either?” You sink back onto the bed, your eyes staring at the wall as you realise you will never be good enough for anything or anyone. Steve quickly leaves the room, going through the house, destroying more things on the way. How could you get into his head like this? No one else had done it, so why were you so different?
You sat there, staring at the untouched notebook before slowly reaching for it, and as you grabbed the pen, the words began to flow out of you and onto the page. Everything you felt deep inside was coming out through stories. Not feeling in the mood to eat or drink, you spend most of the day and night writing. As many more days pass, Steve comes in and out with more gifts and food. You continued to ignore him, not knowing how to react, waiting for him to decide when it was your time to die finally. But the day never came. You think a month had passed, but you weren’t so sure. Steve walked into your room, undoing the chains and holding out his hand. “C’mon. I’ve prepared us some dinner.” You stare at him warily before slowly standing and following him. He leads you to the kitchen and pulls out the chair for you.
“Why am I out here?” You sit, tapping the table, watching him place the food onto the plates, not daring to touch it as Steve sits across from you.
“I’ve come to realise something, and at first, it scared me. You’re different from the rest.” You scoff, rolling your eyes. “I’m serious. Do you know how confusing this is for me? You’ve taken over my mind, and I can’t focus on anything else.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry that I’ve stopped you from tricking other women into believing you love them.” Your eyes roll again, leaning back into the chair. “Do you need a tissue?” You pick up the napkin beside your plate, offering it out to him.
Steve stares at you blankly, his eye twitching as he’s stuck between wanting to strangle you and make love to you. “No, I do not need a tissue. I’m trying to tell you that I feel something for you.” He’s startled again as you laugh.
“You feel something for me?” You feel tears prick your eyes as you continue to laugh. “Oh, god. That’s probably the funniest thing I’ve heard. I think you are delusional.” You shake your head, and your laughter slowly dies down. Your eyes connect with him, and you stare. “You’ve already got me here. You don’t need to keep lying to make yourself feel better.” You continue to tap on the table. “So… When am I going to die?”
“You aren’t. I’m keeping you alive.”
“Oh, great. Fantastic. Sounds so fun to be alive and kept locked away in a basement for the rest of my life. Good plan.” You give a little clap and throw him a fake smile. But deep down, your stomach twisted, and your heart dropped. This was worse than waiting to die. Now you would be locked away, unloved, and eventually wither away. Your expression on the outside stayed void of any emotion.
“No, you will stay up here. With me.”
You wished you had never even gone to that stupid market. You wished you had never believed Steve’s stupid words or smile. How could you be so stupid to believe someone would ever choose you?
You were unwanted.
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thank you for reading!
feedback and reblogs are greatly appreciated.
#jessybarnesask#imyourbratzdollwork#steve kemp fanfiction#steve kemp fluff#steve kemp x you#steve kemp x reader#steve kemp imagine#steve kemp x y/n#steve kemp fanfic#steve kemp fic#steve kemp imagines#steve kemp au#steve kemp angst#steve kemp x female reader#steve kemp#sebastian stan fluff#sebastian stan characters#sebastian stan fanfiction#sebastian stan x reader#sebastian stan x you#sebastian stan fandom#sebastian stan angst#sebastian stan fan fiction#sebastian stan fic#sebastian stan au#sebastian stan oneshot#sebastian stan one shot#sebastian stan x female reader#sebastian stan#steve kemp x fem!reader
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Letter of Madame Chalabre to Robespierre
I found something interesting on the excellent site amis-robespierre.org. It was mentioned in posts I saw on Tumblr about Madame Chalabre, a great admirer of Robespierre, who was supposedly arrested after his execution. According to Vandeplas, Bernard on the same site, some accused her of being an informant for Robespierre. Joke aside, I wonder if Stanisława Przybyszewska might be the reincarnation of Madame Chalabre.
But when you read the letter she sent to Robespierre, it’s much more than admiration; it shows a political spirit. When I see this, I think once again that some French revolutionaries, including Robespierre, missed the boat by refusing to make women equal to men.
Here is Robespierre’s speech from January 2, 1792: "... War is good for military officers, for the ambitious, for speculators who trade in such events; it is good for the court, it is good for the executive power whose authority, popularity, and influence it increases; it is good for the coalition of nobles, intriguers, and moderates who govern France..." He continues: "... The most extravagant idea that can be born in the head of a politician is to believe that it suffices for a people to invade a foreign people to make them adopt its laws and constitution. No one loves armed missionaries..." "... Our victories by our generals would be more disastrous than our defeats..."
Here is Madame Chalabre’s response, which shows a good reasoning spirit: "No, I cannot find words to express to the admirable Robespierre the surprise and emotion caused by reading his interesting and useful speech in the latest Revolution of Paris. The patriots were right to include it, because this journal is widely read and goes everywhere. We cannot hurry enough to warn true Frenchmen against the execrable trap of war. But alas! I fear it is a foregone conclusion in the National Assembly, for the deputy Ramond (de Carbonnières) announces to us a long and beautiful report from the diplomatic committee whose conclusions will undoubtedly be for war. Just heavens! What betrayals! Unfortunate homeland. False guides still divert you from the right path with new ruses finer than those of the moderates. They do not have such a marked character of falsehood and are therefore more dangerous. Patriots are said to be misguided if they do not want war. Ah! Let us continue to be thus misguided to stifle it and save the homeland. Another speech at the Jacobins Monday played by the cruel war partisans who persist like ravens on their prey. If so, let us despair of the homeland’s salvation. Victorious even with the enemy’s power is to be defeated. That is the solution to the whole question but as you say, they always want to be beside the point. How with even a little judgment can one fall into such a trap? It seems incredible to me; instead of following nature, they prefer to reason against it. Shame, shame on eloquence in this case. Weak humans who boast of your enlightenment, the instinct of animals is far superior to your fine minds, for it never deceives them.
{} I cannot resist the feeling of gratitude inspired by the virtuous conduct and wise writings of the faithful Robespierre, despite his own advice to us not to give in too much to these transports. His touching modesty will produce the opposite effect judging by myself but it will not be dangerous for freedom, the noblest emulation will be the fruit. Greetings, friendship, Chalabre."
Thus, beyond admiration, Madame Chalabre shows great lucidity on the issue of war. I would love to know more about this character.
This makes me all the more furious about the films of the French Revolution that portray women as passive, too gentle, and groupies according to macho standards (yes, I have my eye on Heffron's films, the horrible movie "The Passion of Camille and Lucile Desmoulins," and even very good films like "La Terreur et la Vertu" by Stellio Lorenzi).
PS: I looked for Tumblr posts about this letter specifically and an analysis but did not find one. If it is already there, I sincerely apologize to the author. The goal is not to plagiarize.
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“big name bxg c-fans earn a lot because cpf give their money to them instead of xz and wyb.” 💀
I wanted to address this comment i saw yesterday but I had to organize my thoughts first as best as i could. I also knew GRA events are gonna take up a lot of my time so i had push it back. However, i want to post about it here even if the topic associated to this didn’t blow up that much (thankfully) cause it irritated me. I’m very used to certain fans having a skewed view of bxgs. I understand that no matter what we say, the prejudice is too heavy to even see reason.
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So this is more of to explain to bxgs how this statement is completely wrong and why it shouldn’t even be said in the first place.
Let’s start with the context.
On 11/2, when there was supposed to be an entertainment ban, a few hot search tags popped up. The boys’ name or even BXG was not on it but it sort of involved the fandom. The gist is this person is a former big name BXG account back in 2019 who is now a yxh. They earned a lot from that work and was able to buy “ 8 houses”. That was actually what got on HS, the idea that someone who is working as a yxh can be that rich.
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I guess people missed the fact that this person earned the money from yxh “work” and not being a BXG account. Some just saw “bxg” so they made a connection and so the comment i posted above was a common statement. The fact that XZ and WYB are top stars too added to the conversation.
First of all, being a big name account that posts about XZ and WYB back in 2019 isn’t that hard. Untamed was at it’s peak that time and so were the active fans. The drama was airing. They had appearances and were practically everywhere. It would not take that much to get the likes, follows and engagement for 2 people that had a lot of content going on. After that, when 2020 rolled in, I understand how some people on the c-side of things will fall off. They probably had new interests and I think the same goes for that account. They were there at the height of it and learned how being a profitable blog works. So I wanna say that this fan was seasonal. To say that they “represent” all big name bxg blogs is totally unfair.
Next i wanna address the concept of profit and “cpfs giving money to big name accounts”.
The easiest way is engagement to a blogger’s post. It may not be me giving the money in my pocket to them literally but they get earnings from engagement & through ads/ affiliate links. This concept is not new to BXGs. It’s the same as any other influencers out there. So the accusation of spending money to big name accounts instead of supporting the boys — in this case is misleading.
You can argue that a regular person, even so/os fall in this trap when they engage with blatant anti accounts. When they comment and share those posts, they give them the engagement.
Now there are two other ways that bxgs give their actual money to these big name accounts.
1. Fansites. Those that share HQ photos and videos of them during events. How they make money aside from engagement is selling photo-books. What’s important to remember tho is there is an unspoken rule among these sites ( not just bxg ones ) that a huge part of the earnings will be spent on charity and buying endorsements by the boys. they post receipts. Not everyone of them is perfect and some have their own issues and closed down but that’s just how it goes.
2. Fan artists. The concept of fan art & merch have long been alive and is honestly one of the best things about fandom. It gives a chance to artists to make something and earn from it. I have to say that this is the more lucrative one cause the really popular ones have their products ( usually the dolls ) sell out so fast and have months of waiting list. The same fan sites, there is a rule for them to use the money for charity.
Here is a post I made before about some of those charities but that’s a very small list compared to the actual initiatives that were done for years.
As for supporting the boys, these accounts buy endorsements, magazines of them in the cover ( in bulk ), organize LED ads for their birthdays or fandom anniversaries, sponsor peripherals for bxg gatherings, host block screenings for movies etc.
Lastly, however someone spends the money they earned is none of anyone’s business. These people on the internet thinking it’s okay to gloat about how they are the “best fan” out there because of how much they spend on a celebrity is so crass. It’s like giving Yibo a gift and leaving all the tags on cause you want him to know exactly how much you spent on him.
I appreciate fans that do spend. I really do. It helps alot with their brand value and career. I personally buy merch and watch content on paid platforms. However it should not be a way to measure someone’s worth as a fan. There is no need to shame people who want to spend their money elsewhere and not XZ or WYB. This kind of toxic mindset is largely prevalent in c-ent fandoms that some international fans are adapting. If there is something that the CCP and I agree on, it’s that this practice shouldn’t be demanded of fans. The idea of “how dare you spend on something you like” ( whether it’s a product from a big name fan or whatever ) exposes whoever is saying it as that kind of brainwashed fan.
So anyway, participate in the fandom in a way that you are comfortable with. We all have different approaches on how we take part in it and there is really no need to keep receipts. ✌🏼
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Dark clouds on the horizon
I'm still here. Sorta. I've used Tumblr to stalk a few niche interests of mine lately. (Baldur's Gate 3, Love and Deepspace, ACOTAR, etc) But I haven't posted a lot. Or even reblogged. I haven't really *blogged* in a long long time.
It's no secret that things are pretty bad in the world at large and in the United States specifically right now. (and please, spare me the whole pain olympics things where someone says "such and such place has it worse") I wanted to talk about something that I need to get off my chest because it's been weighing on my heart.
The TikTok ban. Now, I know a lot of people here on Tumblr don't love TikTok, at least, that's what I've seen on my own dashboard the few times I've gone scrolling over the last year or so. People who talk about it tend to use sneering language, the dismissive sort of talk you'd expect to see from older generations.
TikTok isn't just a kids dance app. It hasn't been for a long time. Not since I first downloaded it in the early days of the pandemic back in 2020. Every time I hear someone refer to it as such I cringe because how out of touch can you be? TikTok has whatever you want, whenever you want it. You want political discussion? Cat videos? Fandom thirst traps? Book club community? Concert videos? DANCE VIDS? It's got all of that.
TikTok got me through 2020. And 2021. And every year since, let's be honest. But 2020 was a big one because that year was a doozy. It was a rough, wild ride that was sadly a portent of things to come. That election was a nail biter and TikTok was the voice of reason throughout. I found creators who spoke eloquently and with knowledge about what was going on.
I think that's why it's getting banned, to be honest. There's no national security threat, not any more than any other app that gathers our data. If that were a reason to ban TikTok, all the other social media and shopping and music and video and photo and whateverelse apps would be banned too. TikTok is being banned because the government cannot control what information we see on it or how we organize and find community together.
Everyone I know has grown increasingly frustrated with legacy media in this country. Coverage of the last campaign cycle is just the latest in a long list of ways tv news, newspapers, etc have let us down as a society. I stopped listening to them, reading them, giving them attention. I was getting the information I needed, without filter and without agenda, over on TikTok, and I wasn't the only one. I bet they couldn't *stand* that.
I saw it had been said that they feared TikTok was sowing unrest with Americans towards their government. Uhm, we don't need an app to do that, thanks. Banning popular social media sites seems to do the trick just fine. No, they're okay with us being upset with them. They don't want us talking to each other about it, spreading the word, letting other countries see our unrest. Instead of trying to listen to the will of the people and improve things for us, its easier to just cut off our voices and freedoms, right?
And that's what brings me to the crux of this, at least for me. Yes, TikTok has been a lifeline for me the last few years but you don't get to my big age without being used to seeing social media come and go, ebb and flow. No, the thing that is sticking in my craw is the banning. I'd feel uneasy even if it was Truth Social they were banning. No social media site should be *banned* by the government. If that doesn't make some of you break out in a cold sweat, then I don't think you're paying close enough attention.
If they can ban TikTok, they can ban any other site. This could just be a litmus test, to see if they can get away with it. Snapchat. Youtube. TUMBLR. Will people just roll over and let it happen? Or will it be the straw that breaks the camels back? How much are we going to put up with, as a society? As cities burn and flood and are inundated with terrorist activity, can we tolerate having yet more rights stripped from us simply because we don't use that particular app? Do we not care until they come for us, specifically?
Something to think about.
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Get to know me! ౨ৎ
i don't use tumblr to post at all, but i thought id start a small account just posting Hayden pics and reblogging fics etc!! (maybe some drabbles eventually 🤭)
my fave Hayden role is Scott Barringer and i swear we need more Scott fics because i never see enough (and plus, he's such a cutie)
my fave Hayden film in general is either AOTC or vanishing on 7th street (again, i film i don't see people talk about which honestly baffles me because i think its amazing!)
i have a fan account on TikTok- if anyone can find it ill be incredibly impressed lolol
my dad actually met Hayden in his 2003/4 ROTS era so I'm super jealous 😔
I've watched every single film of Hayden's except trapped in a purple haze because it isn't available on illegal sites 😔 (don't come for me pls i cant watch them on anything else)
side note- i have loads of fic recommendations and AU Anakin ideas so ask and ill share some! x (i also have like every single Hayden/Anakin role and AU bot on c.ai- again if you want one just ask x)
random stuff- i listen to like every single genre of music and its hard to find something i don't like! my current fave artists are Sade, Madison beer (who i saw in concert recently yay!) and TV girl (but i love metal and rock and literally everything). My all time fave film is The Virgin Suicides- don't even get me started on it because i will talk forever and ever about it (not to mention Hayden is in it!!).
anyway, that's all for now! if you read this all, i love you mwah ⋆୨♡୧⋆
#hayden christensen#star wars#anakin skywalker#made with tumblr#attack of the clones#rots#hayden x reader#anakin x you#anakin x reader
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[Rambling] Stolen/Repost Stories
The gal of some people!!
Hi Guys!
This is not an update but a slight rambling/rant.
I recently learned from you guys that someone is reposting my stories, From Caged Marines to Whitebeard Pirates and the Admiral Brother, without my permission on Wattpad under a different account and name, this made me angry, especially when I saw the Admiral Brother being posted on Wattpad. (From Caged Marine fic is already posted on Wattpad under my name, as well as fanfiction.net).
The Admiral Brother is a story I adopted from RulerOfTheCosmos, I made sure to ask permission from them and I gave them credit for this. The sites that I allowed The Admiral Brother to be on are AO3 and my Patreon account, aside from that it won't and shouldn't be posted anywhere else but this person dared to post this story without my knowledge as if they have the right to do so.
They even have everything up to date, especially From Caged Marine, which I updated on the 25th of December (shocker they also made an update the same day as well). And it's not only me, there are also stories from my fellow authors as well, I normally won't be upset about something like this as long as you ask for permission and give credit to us authors, of course.
I don't know if my fellow authors are experiencing the same issue as I have when it comes to updating or creating stories... but as an author, I already found it hard thinking about what words I need to use or put in each chapter, what scenario should be there, and if an idea popped up then I have to write it down followed by thinking on when or where should I add that.
Knowing that someone posted my stories to their account and other sites (in the case of the Admiral Brother) without my permission or even giving me credit is no longer making me angry alone but hurting me as well as I type this down. The stories that I enjoyed creating and sharing with my readers... now seem to be taken from me. Everything that we, I, authors worked hard for seems to be someone else work, a work that is very easy to do since they can just copy and paste everything.
Guys, it's not that hard to ask permission, we will give you answers if you ask us, and I will give you some answers! Someone asked me months ago a permission to translate From Caged Marine to Spanish, and I allowed them, I told them that it was fine as long as credits were provided... but the person I'm talking about right now is not the same one who asked permission.
I had a lot of words to say when I first found out about this... now, I am at a loss... and I'm afraid I have to be a bearer of bad news...
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I won't be updating my stories to any sites, aside from Patreon... for now.
I am filing a report against this person and I will be checking other sites to see if my stories are also posted there. I will still be putting previews on Tumblr but chapters will not be shown on Wattpad, FFN, and AO3 unless... And until everything is resolved... there will be no updates...
I don't want to do a no update, since I have been missing a lot of them, but since this person updated my latest From Caged Marine on their account on the same day I did... I won't take that risk anymore.
I will be needing your guys' help and that is to report this person as well.
Here are the links
Until then...
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EDIT: I know this poll is over, but I am still genuinely curious if people have thoughts on Logan's timeline/which version is more accurate. Please feel free to leave comments :)
(Also the 1 vote for Option A was me accidentally clicking it as I scrolled on my main account lol)
Okay so I know logan is not everyone's favorite apprentice, or one they dislike completely.
He is one of mine for sure though (tbh i love them all), and I have some thoughts on his timeline I wanted to hear what others thought on them because I felt like I interpreted things differently.
I tried posting on reddit about this but it sounds like I don't have enough karma or something for it to post so I'm coming here haha I'm not on that site ever so we'll blame my naivete on that :)
I used a sideblog for my normal account to post here where I don't have anything else posted, but who knows this could become my saw sideblog.
A. Interpretation I always hear of Logan's timeline...
Logan is an xray tech and messes up John's scans.
Logan in the barn trap due to his careless xray mistake. John saves him because HE made a careless mistake on Logan with the tranquilizer/sedation so Logan didn't deserve to die.
Logan helps with RBT
Logan goes to war. His kid is born some time in here. He gets PSTD after being a POW and is discharged.
Logan comes back from war and begins work as a medical examiner while in treatment (I believe Halloran read something about official PTSD treatment in the movie somewhere like on a computer?).
Movies 1-7 would happen between #4-5.
Logan's wife dies. 2 years later, Jigsaw 2017 happens.
B. What I had understood Logan's timeline as...
Logan starts working at the hospital (while being treated for PTSD) as an Xray tech. Because he's dealing so much with his PTSD, he makes the careless mistake of mixing up xrays including John's.
Logan gets married young and joins the army. He is a medic there, becomes a POW, and gets PTSD. Is discharged. Gets sent back home.
I am super aware that's not the right timeline nevessarily for the war they indicated he was in. They seemed a little confused on those details overall as was, which CZ'S world mentioned in his video so that's why I think this is a possibility.
Logan in the barn trap due to his careless xray mistake. John saves him because HE made a careless mistake on Logan with the tranquilizer/sedation and realized Logan shouldn't have to die for John's mistake. Logan says he came back from the war a broken man and Jigsaw put his life together. I know the 10 years since the trap thing is a general time amount and will never be perfect, but this at least jives with the came back from the war a broken man after the war thing. If he went to war AFTER the trap, it seems kind of odd (not impossible though) that jigsaw/jigsaw's method would have put Logan's life back together when the trap would have happened so many years ago.
Logan helps with RBT.
Logan goes off to his family (I can see John encouraging that since he personally did not get to do that with his family) and gets further treatment for his PTSD (which I believe Halloran had read about on that screen in the movie? I think ZZworld mentioned it).
This is when movies 1-7 would be happening (#5-6)
Logan (outside of occasionally being the muscle for John or doing surgery/medical help with gordon) lives his life quietly off to the side, working on his mental health/PTSD and being there with his family. This would explain Logan's absence in the original movies though: He believed in the cause, but also wanted to live his life with his family/daughter for John, who did not get that with Jill and Gideon. Logan's daughter looks about 1st-3rd grade level as well, so this makes a little more sense he would be in a place to have a child during this quiet time and after treatment, than when he was actively in the middle of or just finishing treatment for PTSD as I think option A would require?
Eventually, after enough treatment, Logan transitions working as an xray tech to a medical examiner during that giant gap of time, potentially after the death of the medical examiner by Hoffman (was that in #6? Not sure which movie it happened in but there was definitely a job opening after that).
Logan's wife dies, jigsaw 2017 happens.
I'd love to hear any thoughts on this or just votes in general :) I'm really curious if I found connections where there aren't as concrete of ones, but I have seen a few other people who also thought the same interpretation as me.
I saw someone asking if it was even possible for logan to be in Saw X because he was away at war and it confused me tbh
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Scrolled up to vote for Noel when I saw the post that was had the name together with the picture
What is witch's heart? Something you recommend?
yay, thank you for voting noel!
witch’s heart is an rpgmaker adventure/horror game about five strangers who get trapped in a mansion that is said to be haunted. the game is split into scenarios that focus on the different characters, and as you progress through it you start to find out the truth about the house and the reason these particular people ended up there…
a tagline for the game is “do you have a wish you’d be willing to kill for?” which i think sums up pretty much what you should expect: varying degrees of traumatic backstories, as well as depictions of murder, blood and gore (it’s not like hyperrealistic depictions bc of the art style but still.)
it’s a story focused game with some combat elements but it’s nothing too difficult. you play through the events of each day and uncover more and more of the secrets and mysteries… before reaching the inevitable end of the story, after which you continue with another scenario, with different perspectives and different outcomes. (there’s also a bunch of little side quests where you can explore the mansion and stuff which i found a lot of fun? also minigames with the characters!)
it’s free to download btw, the english translation is made by vgperson, they also have content warnings and some guides on their site.
i know i enjoyed playing it and have been thinking about replaying recently (i just wish one day the creator will finish all the scenarios)
#it’s hard to talk about without getting jnto spoilers so now i somehow ended up not even talking about the characters..#noel is a very very sad young man#other than the mc clair and the four ppl she gets trapped alongside with there’s also four demons who show up and make the rest of the cast#*claire#also the game gets a little meta in a way that i enjoy in games like this#i hope this makes some kind of sense it’s pretty late rn kfjdsgs#i’m sure other ppl would be a lot better at giving a pitch#witch’s heart#perfectpinkprincess#answered
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Okay, Hologramcowboy, I'm not even sure what you expect me to say after all of that lol. (Link) But since you claim you're blocking me after reblogging my post more than once, I guess I'll give it a shot:
"Intelligent, classy people just block. Like what I'm going to do to you after responding to this. ;)" -> I never had a reason to block you until now. I came across your posts due to other blogs I follow that for some reason follow you and it would also be suggested to me from time to time on this site, which is what happened today and how I saw your unhinged post.
"You failed to mention the vicious hate ask sent in my inbox." -> A vicious hate ask? Probably because I don't follow your blog and didn't know one was sent. Also, why would I? That has nothing to do with my post. I never sent it. Seriously, do you just make imaginary attacks up to make yourself sound like a victim to your readers? Or do you just go around blaming random people for any hate that you've incurred from your actions?
"Never stated that Danneel or Jensen read my blog. They don't get the rumors from tumblr, they get rumors from their team doing market research. Which you would know, if you did, in fact, have a clue about their industry. And I say team as in singular because Danneel does not have the pull or value to have her own high tier team and leeches off of jensen's. If you think actors don't have a set strategy to reposition/rebrand themselves when rumors affect their image then you are sadly deluded." -> Oh, um, okay lol, how do I even respond to this? Oh my goodness. First, you don't know a thing about me or what I know. For all you know, I could be a part of the industry that you snobbishly claim to know all about. I know very well how it all works, thank you. Secondly, you obviously don't understand the basic concept of sarcasm which is clear throughout my post. Third, do you think I care about Jensen or Danneel or their teams to the point that you do? Nope.
"Thirdly, instead of acting like an immature bully, consider the fact that not everyone needs to love what you love. The world is a diverse place. Learn to enjoy what you love and truly believe in it instead of attacking others who are deeply secure in their views." -> Thirdly? When did you make a second point? An immature bully you say? I never once used your name or @ you, for all you know this post could have been about someone else, another anti that posted something unhinged about Danneel. The fact that you jumped to claim ownership proves one thing only: you are seriously that unhinged. I certainly wouldn't boast about that. That's not the point of pride or flex you think it is. If anything, it's tragic. And immature bully - who reblogged me so I would get mobbed by her readers and get the mean girl treatment? How mature is that and in what world is that not bullying? Instead of messaging me or asking me outright who I was talking about, you instead reacted emotionally and did the immature bullying move here yourself.
"Goes without saying but since you seem less than sharp and unable to grasp this:" -> once again, you don't know me so don't pretend to know how I grasp things
"When I write "hey danneel", I'm not actually talking to Danneel, I am venting, something I am entirely free to do on MY BLOG. The fact that you would even for a second imagine I was speaking to her shows you have some serious biases and project a lot. Danneel does not read my blog, read that again, Danneel does not read my blog." -> Um, babe, you do realize that you are ironically using the words 'biases' and 'project', right? From the few posts I've seen come my way recently from you, your biases of being anti Jensen and anti Danneel are indeed 'biases'. When you say that Jensen has an alcohol addiction, that Jensen is an absent father, even going so far as to say one of his daughters has a mental issue, that Danneel purposely got pregnant to trap Jensen, that Danneel has mental issues, you do realize you're 'projecting', right? Especially your Danneel is 'ABUSING' Jensen post. Which, sister, if you don't understand what abuse actually is, maybe you should shut your mouth. Not because it's about Danneel or anyone else, but because you're literally harming abuse survivors by casually throwing that word around. Don't believe me? Look it up, sis.
"Also, as per my disclaimer, my blog is for entertainment purposes only. If you dislike it in any way, do not read it. Read that again, do not read it." -> once again, I don't follow your blog so why would I read your disclaimer. Good for you, I guess?
"You don't want drama? Don't start it! I was sent your post by someone who ran across it." -> Lol, sure, Jan. I think the reason you jumped on this post so fast that you found is because you know it speaks truth.
"Just so you know, if you or your bully friends see any of my posts, it's because you are purposefully looking through the Anti tags, which means you are purposefully targetting and then acting holier than thou." -> Say what? I just said I don't go looking for your posts or your blog. I just told you above how I saw your posts and it's been happening that way for a while now. I'll turn your words back to you: "You don't want drama? Don't start it!" And acting holier than thou? How? How is me bringing rationale to the table that you keep setting with your obsessive takes acting holier than thou? And, sis, why would I target you? Seriously. Just like you mentioned, this is MY BLOG and I can post my opinions on here, same as you. Don't like it? Block me like you said you would.
"You have an obsession with a couple of Z listers, you're no brain surgeon so please dial down the histrionic drama and fake outrage and act like a responsible adult." -> Obsession? In what world am I obsessed with Jensen? Did you fail to see the header of my blog when you saw my post and dived into it? "No celebrity standom" Once again, how do you not know I'm a brain surgeon by trade? It sounds to me like you make an awful lot of assumptions and you really do remind me of those online bullies who like to use words as weapons. Don't worry, I'm not insulted, just disappointed. And histrionic drama and fake outrage? Sis, I wasn't the one that reblogged your post to my mean girls clique in order to garner feigned sympathy and support because I realized what an assholish post I made and didn't like someone's alternate take on it. You keep mentioning all of this hate you get, have you ever taken a look at yourself and wondered why? I don't condone it, no one should ever send hate. Been there, received it from AA's myself, but damn, girl. Look at how you're acting.
"P.S: Next time you or your friends send hate anon messages, have the guts to sign them and show the world what you really are like inside your heart and mind." -> Le sigh, once again, I don't send hate anon messages nor do I know of anyone on here that does. First, I'm an adult and I can handle myself, thank you. Second, I do sign my name when I leave asks, thank you. Because I don't have anything to hide and I don't leave hate messages. In my book, that's cowardly and I despise it. Like I mentioned above, I've been through that before myself so why would I perpetrate that against someone else? Even if I don't agree with their unhinged takes and I can clearly see that you're unwell after receiving these messages from you?
"Let me help you by blocking you so that you won't ever be bothered by my posts again." -> Cool, thanks. I very much appreciate that actually. How kind of you after all of that spewed vitriol.
"Have a nice life that hopefully doesn't involve foregoing your dreams and goals over a sad z lister like Danneel Ackles. Seriously, you're meant for more in life than just limiting yourself to worshipping a has been "actress". I hope you give yourself the love and appreciation you are projecting unto her." -> What? Lol. Seriously? Okay, babe, seriously and I mean this compassionately now, I don't know where you learned this form of gas lighting from but if there were ever a statement that encompasses that form of psychological abuse (trust me, I would know), it's that. Thanks for the well wishes, I guess? Wow. I kind of feel like Emma Stone in Easy A right now. "Did I just get saved?" Smh. And since when do I worship Danneel? If you actually looked at my blog, you would see that I don't worship anyone. Once again, "no celebrity standom". Question, are you an AA in disguise by chance?
@hookslinesandsinkers I never sent any hate asks to anyone. I don't believe in that practice. First, no one deserves hate no matter who they are. Second, I would sign my name if I truly thought going to her blog to say something to her was worth the trouble. I've been through the AA hate swarming thing myself in the past. I don't condone that.
Hologramcowboy:
"Yes, it had to be this blogger because the ask was using key words they used in this post. Funny how they failed to mention in their post that they send anon hate which, of course, they won't ever own up to. 🤣🤦🏼♀️ Ah, fandom, keep being cray cray." -> That's why you're incorrectly accusing me of sending you hate asks? Because of keywords? Lol! What keywords? "Jensen"? "Danneel"? "Birthday"? "Unhinged"? Omg, I don't even-- 🤦🏼♀️ You know what? You made your point, Hologramcowboy. It's obvious that I nor anyone else on any social media site should ever pay attention to what you say. Congratulations. You win. You're clearly spiraling and you are beyond paranoid. You go around yelling at people for doing the same thing you're doing on this site, then falsely accuse them of doing worse things than that in order to paint yourself as the crucified victim and gain sympathy from your readers. I wish nothing but the best for you moving forward. I really hope you get well.
Holy hell, and I thought the AA's were bad. The language used in reblog comments alone. I've seen antis say some messed up things over the years and AA's say worse, but that's a whole new level of unhinged. I've managed to get away from abusive personalities like this one over the years, I have no desire to invite another in. No thank you.
#anti antis#spn fandom bullshit#anti hologramcowboy#anti jensen hate#anti danneel hate#anti hate period
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MONDAY, AUGUST 31, 2020 Another day of good energy. I’ve been on a roll with not being tired for over 2 weeks now for the first time in months. I’m not sure why I have spells where I’m exhausted and then I do well. I just know I like having energy.
Enough to go bike riding. It was still a bit warm at 90° just like when we went out walking yesterday around the same time, but fun. Everything was perfect in that no one was parked too close to the speed bumps when we were coming downhill and there were no dog walkers in our way.
His HR made it up to 103 and mine hit 131. I realize that my high HR is “tricking” Fitbit (and my thyroid). As fun as it is to use in general, it’s going to tell me I can have more calories than I really can to lose weight. I’m still pretty confident that it would take 1000 calories or less every day for almost a year to lose weight and I’m just not up for that. I wish I was, and I hate to say it, but I don’t know that I would be up for that even if I was 100 pounds overweight. I don’t need the standard 2000 calories to feel comfortable and function well, but I do need around 1400 on most days. Yesterday I indulged and had 1775. I don’t usually go over 1500-1600 but I do splurge once a week or so. I’m up 2 pounds because of it but I’ll push it back off soon enough. I always do. Carbs really do matter as much as calories, so I’m learning, and yesterday I definitely had too much sugar and carbs.
When pulling out some hay to give to the guinea pigs, I ended up getting a sliver at the base of one of my fingers. Fortunately, Tom was able to get it out using a magnifier and good tweezers.
It just hit me that I haven’t been hearing the freeway as much lately. It started to become audible and then faded back out. What sucks is that tomorrow morning is September 1st and that means the plane frenzy begins. I’ll be asleep when it starts, though, which will be shortly before or after 6. But at least we’re one month closer to getting out of here!
I wish I knew why I had so many negative dreams. It’s usually the same damn things over and over again. They usually deal with me being in some kind of captivity where I’m trapped somewhere or losing everything.
In one dream, we had to abandon everything, and I mean literally everything. Our house, our car, our devices, medications, everything. We walked off with just the clothes on our back and even left the car running.
Around this time yet in a separate dream, I saw my old Endo. Even though I tried to keep a straight face, she sensed that something was off. She asked if everything was okay and I had to force a smile and say that everything was fine.
I accidentally stumbled upon something in my 2011 journal that further suggests my New York reader is Marie. I don’t remember the circumstances. I was looking for something else and didn’t read too much about it but it had to do with her contacting me to tell me that even though I told her I didn’t want anything to do with her, she’d been reading my journal from a distance and wanted to let me know she had nothing to do with someone that was messing with me at the time which I wrote about in one particular entry. So I guess that, unlike most people, she doesn’t ignore you if you cut her out of your life. She’s just quiet about it. It would explain the lack of comments, but would she really be that active on the site? There’s no way to get email notifications when you bookmark someone. She’s got to be logged in to get her bookmarks and she’s got to spend quite a bit of time on the site too, because there have been several times I’ve posted something and she’s shown up on my visitors’ list just minutes later.
Even she showed up in my dreams, but I don’t remember what the dream was about. It’s probably because she was on my mind as I was falling asleep. I both miss her, and I don’t. I miss how understanding and open-minded she always was. Her goofy side, her sense of humor, her empathy. But then she was the one that dumped and blocked me when her accusatory and paranoid side came out and I told her I had no idea what she was talking about or trying to say.
It wasn’t the first time this strange “other” side, whatever the hell it was, emerged. I don’t know if she has an illness she was born with or if the abuse she went through made her the way she is but I’m definitely not so sure that all the psych pills she was diving into were helping. If anything, I suspect that may have been making her worse. Regardless, I do miss her. It would be hard to slam the door in her face if she magically showed up. Instead, even though it probably wouldn’t be the smartest thing to do, I would probably run into her arms. Remember, I did love her, and I guess a part of me always will. Maybe I’ll hear from her someday. She’s probably gone through a million Facebook accounts by now, so I’m sure the one we blocked each other on is long gone. Maybe it would be okay to communicate while she was “normal,” so to speak, and then pull back and take a break when that other side came out. I know she’s bipolar and those are extremely hard to deal with. The intense and frequent mood swings are like OMG! And the way they can get paranoid and accusatory can be downright scary. I’ll never forget the way Lisa showed me a side of her that I never knew existed until 2009. But she still meant a lot to me and she always will.
Finally heard from Dixie. Her computer has been broken which was what I suspected.
LOL, not surprisingly, Aly has already received half a dozen letters from Kim, mostly about June, of course. They started off as penpals before they began texting around 2008.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 30, 2020 We went for a walk earlier and I opted to take a shortcut back because it was still so warm at close to 90°.
Tom needed flip-flops and found that even though they were $0.99 in person at Walmart, online they were $20, so he got a $10 pair on Amazon. While he was at it, I got another set of nail stickers to try.
Had a dream that I had to do 30 days in jail for who-knows-what. I know I dreamed about the guards and other inmates but can’t remember anything other than Tom visiting and me telling him that I was going to write him a letter but then I got busy doing something.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 29, 2020 I’m so fucking pissed! My new nail strips look absolutely nothing like they do on the sheets once they’re on my nails because they’re transparent. Now that I see this, I do remember someone complained about that in the reviews. I could still use them to cover boring ones, I suppose.
Also got some “retractions” to make. Aly was talking about a group text, not Facebook. I beat the recyclers but the trashers actually came before I got up, though I managed to sleep through them somehow. Also, my root canal didn’t last just 40 minutes, even though it seemed that way, thanks to Halcion. Tom said I was in for over an hour and a half.
I kind of let Pelosi have it on Twitter for trying to sabotage the election. At least it really seems like she doesn’t want Biden to win. I don’t know if she has a personal vendetta against him or what but if she keeps fighting the Republicans on the stimulus thing and doesn’t come to some agreement like now, the Dems are going to lose the election. For someone who’s said to be highly intelligent, she’s acting dumb as fuck. The people are going to remember that the Republicans tried to get us money while the Dems did nothing but argue and block them and that’s going to cause Trump to get reelected.
Fortunately, who gets elected doesn’t really affect us directly that much other than maybe with health insurance since there’s no way Trump would lower the age of Medicare. I just wish the rich could understand that no, not everyone can pay all their medical bills out of pocket just because they can.
It’s all I can do to keep from running across the street and blasting the shit out of that fucking cock. I got up around 1 and figured it would be too hot and too late in the day for the sawing since the bastard seems to prefer mornings, but I got a few seconds of it when I was in the kitchen. It sounds exactly like Tom’s saw when he’s using it right outside the door, that’s how fucking loud it is. If the cock across the street used that thing right outside the door, it would be ferociously loud in here. It’s still frequent and loud enough. I heard the fucking thing a couple more times when I was outside checking out the new fence and this was at an angle that our place was between us and the saw. The sound wraps around the place, but the other side where the kitchen and master bedroom and bathroom windows are gets hit worse.
The new fence looks great. A little more see-through and a little higher but better than the old rotted wooden fence. Being higher will make it easier to blow leaves under it and the lattice design will make it less susceptible to wind damage.
I’m just so sick of listening to people and for the millionth time I’m asking myself, where oh where can I go to escape people’s shit? Really, where can we go to get away from it? And vehicles so loud I can feel the vibration of them rumbling under my feet.
Tom is really frustrating because the more I complain, the more he doesn’t like it, and he never wants to do shit about anything. All he cares about is how others may react and not how I feel. I’m surprised he even bothered to fight for his Unemployment, that’s how paranoid he is when it comes to complaining. Yet he absolutely does not want to complain about any neighbor under any circumstance. I keep wishing someone else would take the honors for me, but I know they won’t. Maybe they have the same fears he has or maybe they just don’t mind the noise even though I would think it would annoy just about anyone. It’s usually only a few-second bursts, but it’s still too loud and too frequent.
I was pissed when it finally hit me after all this time that when Kim asked Aly to shut down some of her Facebook accounts because she didn’t want her sister to find them, she could have read our conversation. I don’t think I said anything that would have offended Aly, but still…the messages were meant for Kim and not her. Oh, the problems that can come with friend mixing.
Maybe she didn’t see them, though. I went back and checked our Skype messages from the end of July (this is why I never delete messages) and she talks about being asked to delete three accounts and says she couldn’t get into two of them. She says the one that she could access was under a variation of her last name. I asked Aly about it today, saying I couldn’t access some of our old messages and she said that as far as she knew, the account Kim and I were connected on was deactivated. It’s just that I can always count on what Aly tells me.
Maybe she isn’t as into hacking or spying on me as I thought she was, though. I have two Twitter accounts. The one we’re connected on where I use my real first name and then a private one in the name of Aubrey. Well, if she uses paid search sites regularly, I would think the private account would come up. I have a real email address tied to it.
She talks about being quietly observant and that people underestimate her and don’t realize the things she hears and knows. I still wonder if she’s a silent observer of my private journals but the only place I can think of that she could hack without getting caught or me knowing about it might be PB.
Sometimes I feel like she’s holding out on me and not so much pushing me away but keeping me at a distance. I wonder if she considers Molly a better friend but if she does, she does. I know that while she has numerous great qualities, she is not only prone to lying but also drawn to the mentally and emotionally ill.
I’m so excited! I took a break from writing this post and during my break, I finally found a way to do voice tweets. Well, they’re technically video tweets but I just keep the phone face down on the table so all you see is blackness. Either that or aimed at my desktop with its lovely nature and animal wallpaper pictures. I don’t want to show anything. I just want to talk and have the option to do tweets with my voice as well as in print.
So, I set up a third Twitter account in the name of Krista. I’m keeping it from Aly, though. I used to hate it when she would block me from her “secret” account so she could have privacy from those she knows yet still be public but now I kind of get that. Sometimes I just want a brand new unbiased audience, so to speak.
Only “Aubrey” is private and that’s kept as hidden as possible so I can still view any accounts of Aly’s that she blocks the account with my real name to which we’re connected.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 28, 2020 Whenever I post a story on Facebook, I always get views from someone not connected to me. Kim is out of commission and Aly said she doesn’t check my profile, so curious little me wonders who it could be. Doubt it’s Christiane.
My new nail strips are absolutely gorgeous even if I’ll have to trim some to fit. They even gave me an extra set! Going to wait a while before I do my nails again, though, since I just did them a couple of days ago.
The Northern Lights colorful glitter topcoat that seemed to be lost in the mail and that I got a refund on, arrived yesterday after all. It’s good for any nail strips that need a little extra shine or reinforcement.
We also got some new mouthguards and this time I did a much better job of molding them to my teeth. My first try was kind of a bust because it was too loose and would often lift up. I was worried that even if it was unlikely, I might choke on it in my sleep. I probably just didn’t heat it up enough but hey, it was my first one. With this one, I have a much more snugger fit.
Because Tom’s HR is naturally low, he can’t get in the cardio zone easily, LOL, where I practically live in the fat-burning zone. That’s just Mr. Bradycardia versus Miss Tachycardia for you.
We went to Rite Aid yesterday and as we were close to the parking lot but unable to see it yet, I told Tom I suddenly had a feeling it was going to be more crowded than usual and it was.
I wonder if something’s wrong with Dixie’s computer again because she hasn’t answered the email I sent a couple of days ago. it’s strange that she hasn’t even called either, though I’m not too worried since Tom recently saw her.
Slept forever last night with a sleep score of 86. At least I got up before the garbage and recycle trucks got a chance to wake me up.
Not that I doubt my buddy that says she was offended by anti-black memes on Facebook but where the hell are all these racists she’s encountering? I swear it’s been just the opposite for me. Sure, I’ve known some that hated blacks, but it’s been such a tiny percent compared to those that hate Jews and gays. I’ve never seen an anti-black comment or meme on Facebook other than a few complaints about them being able to get away with more than whites can these days, and I can guarantee you that if any of my Facebook friends or anyone on PB went anti-black, others would crucify them for it. The vast majority of the places I’ve been both on and offline seem to be very accepting and supportive of everyone except for some Jews, some Muslims, and many gays and lesbians. Just look at all the non-black supporters at the protests, both violent and not.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 27, 2020 It’s fun being the noisy ones around here for once. Yes, Tom is doing the loudest thing he’s done so far in prepping for curb appeal and that’s to drill holes in the concrete with a special drill bit for installing the posts that are going to hold the new lattice fence. Unfortunately, though, I doubt our little saw fanatic can hear much of it if any at all because he’s working on the other side of the house.
I saw Virginia yesterday. She called out something to the guy delivering our groceries from Walmart (got an excellent selection of pork chops, ribs, chicken, fish, avocados, grapes, and blueberries to enjoy and am definitely stocked up for a while). Anyway, she didn’t appear to be using a walker or a cane or anything to assist her, so that’s good. A few minutes later Nancy pulled up.
They stopped working on the house. The new one that was hauled in. That’s a long time to set up a new house! I wonder if there’s a problem with inspections.
I don’t know if the cock across the street was sawing yesterday or as of yet today. I cranked up the sound machines throughout the house (ridiculous thing to have to do anywhere to get any peace but especially here) but I did hear the usual buzz of landscaping equipment of course. That’s going to get worse right along with the planes when the leaves start coming down. Believe it or not, a few trees are already dropping leaves. Seems a bit early for that, though.
I just hate feeling pressured into having to sit back and take people’s annoying shit. I know Tom. He would always come up with a reason why we shouldn’t say anything. If it wasn’t because he’s making a racket and doesn’t want to seem hypocritical, it would be something else. Remember, before it was because he didn’t want prospective buyers questioning him about the place. There’s always something. Again, I understand his fears but what about me? Don’t I deserve not to have to listen to such loud shit so often? Why is it that others matter more, in a sense? Why is it more important that they be allowed to be annoying at my expense while I should have to sit back and take it because of what may happen if I speak up?
Received an email from my optometrist saying she was closing her business and didn’t have any plans to practice elsewhere. I’m guessing the virus has something to do with it but what is it with all these damn doctors moving around or leaving the area altogether? I hope this isn’t as common in Florida. It would be great to find doctors about 20 years younger than me who could take care of me for the rest of my life.
My next eye exam isn’t until October. He’s not going to bother anymore in this state. I’m not sure what I’m going to do. My eyes seem to change so fast and I’m already noticing that these glasses aren’t as helpful, but I have time to decide whether or not to get new ones here or just wait.
It seems the new system is that Rockefeller goes off and Blitz follows. LOL, I can’t figure out what these pigs want at times. It’s like where dogs often like to bark and babies often like to cry just for shits and giggles, they just like to scream.
I can’t stop staring at my nails. They look so cool. Dull color by itself (black to dark green gradient) but still looks good on me at the same time. Dark or neon looks best on my nails. My mother would puke if she could see them. I almost hope she can look down on me from the other side if there is one. Think of all the frustration she must be feeling not being able to critique, control and ridicule me, haha.
They were getting long so I cut them back. These are the stickers that are thicker and therefore harder to file the ends off of, so I just cut everything off. I don’t see how people tolerate really long nails. Yes, I voice type more than I type by hand, but I still do some things by hand. Can’t get these nails very short, though, with the long nail beds I have. The old-fashioned keyboards were easier to type on because my nails would just slip down between the keys. Not with an Apple keyboard, though.
I began logging my food on Fitbit after all because it’s interesting to see how much I burn versus how much I take in. I’ve gone from 157.8 to 155.2, so one more pound and it will stop. Probably even reset itself too. I know my body. I could diet and exercise until I was blue in the face, but no more than a few pounds would come off. But at least I can still get those few pounds off when I want to.
So Aly thinks she’s going to move back in with Cam and that they’ll be together forever. I hope she’s right for her sake! I’m not sure what to think. The fact that she had to move out once isn’t usually a good sign. What’s to say it wouldn’t happen again since what usually happens once has a way of repeating itself as the drama queen taught me?
Had a series of weird dreams and got a sleep score of 87 last time around. I discovered Molly blocked me on Twitter and this told me that I was still on her mind at times and she was likely looking in on me.
Then I had a dream where it was late at night, yet the sun was shining as if I might have been in Alaska. I was taking care of the animals when I realized one of them had a defective water bottle. Then I went outside and started walking down the street in just a bra and panties heading to wherever. Then I decided to go back and replace the bottle because I knew that if I put it off, I would forget to do it later. So I turned around and started running down the street when I realized the sun was really hot and I felt like I was burning. I was on a deserted road that didn’t seem to have anything but fields on one side of it with a few scattered side streets.
A car was coming toward me and it scared me because there was no one else around and I was at their mercy if they turned out to be trouble. I thought of how my life was going well, how I’d like to live longer, and how it would be a shame to die then. I felt like I was running in slow motion even though I was going as fast as I could. But I just couldn’t run fast enough, so I began pawing at the ground as if trying to run on all fours in hopes of it helping me move faster so I could get out of view before the car caught up to me. But the person turned off onto a side street before they could pass me. The sun seared my skin even more and I thought to myself, I’m frying! So now I was worried I wouldn’t get back home before I melted and passed out from the heat.
I can’t swear on this one, but I think I had a dream that I was visiting Chris and a friend of his was telling him that I had a decent body for an American woman, LOL.
The last dream was the shittiest. It started off with me constantly getting calls from numbers I didn’t recognize that would never leave messages.
Then Tom and I drove somewhere that I might have been required to go and at first we weren’t sure what the building was. But then either my phone lit up with the word “court” or I found a piece of paper with the word on it and knew right away that the termites or behind it.
Suddenly I realized I was naked and told him I wasn’t even dressed so we had to go back home. Once there, even though I figured he would want to do the “right” thing, so to speak, that was when I put my foot down and refused to go back to the courthouse or wherever we had just been. I hadn’t done anything wrong, didn’t trust the courts to believe me, and wasn’t going to let myself get railroaded all over again. I did it once 20 years ago and I wasn’t about to do it again.
Just saw the little saw cock drive out. He’s driving the navy 4x4 these days. Probably going to pick up more lumber to saw.
Tom’s own circular saw, which he just used, is comparable in volume inside this place to Dahl’s, so that goes to show how much louder Dahl’s is at 90’ away vs. right outside the door where Tom is.
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 26, 2020 Wow! Got my first sleep score of 90! Been more awake more often too. But once I get back onto nights…
Sheila, my new Holly, cleaned my teeth and did an amazingly wonderful job. I love how my teeth look and feel! It turns out that the stains I had along the bottom teeth weren’t so much from being late on my cleaning but because of the wine I drink. She said red wine is a major stainer. So I guess I’ll be switching to white wine, like Moscato, and only have Merlot once in a while. I ran and brushed my teeth as soon as I had my last one.
She scaled the teeth by hand, polished them, flossed them with this sandpaper-like thing, and then she used their supersonic scaler that was both cold and hot at the same time. She warned me it would be loud but it wasn’t. It made a squeaking sound that sort of reminded me of mice, but that was it. It was the cold and warmth I noticed most. The supersonic vibrations probably create heat that needs to be cooled.
She said everything else looked great and that I didn’t have much tartar buildup and was doing great with the home care. I didn’t even see the dentist. I saw her and Dana working on another patient but other than when I paid Vicky $90 with our credit card, I didn’t see anyone else and I won’t be returning until March.
Just checked my schedule predictor and it actually doesn’t look good for either my dental or ear appointment. :-( Might have to reschedule.
No fucking wonder the planes are so annoying here! For some reason, I thought the airport was between 40 and 50 miles away but then Tom laughed and said, “It’s not that far. We’ve driven to and from there before.”
He pulled up a map to show me and it’s actually 21 miles by car and 14 miles if you draw a straight line from the airport to here. So no wonder they’re obnoxious. Another week and they’ll be really bad again. So from now on, we’ll definitely make sure the airport is at least 50 miles away from wherever we live. It won’t matter if we’re in a flight path if they’re 20K feet above us as opposed to 2K.
I’m so confused as to where to go! There’s a part of me that thinks it would be pointless to bother with rural since the world is so noisy no matter where you go, and why add other sounds you won’t have in a retirement community? But then I don’t want mowers coming up to the window every week like they would in a Florida park and I would still like to get people and their shit far enough away from me that I only need to sleep with just a fan or an air cleaner or maybe Alexa playing some nature sound and that’s it. I don’t want to have to continue blasting white noise via an off-dialed radio station on my old stereo. I’m sorry but right or wrong, no one should have to live like that. Or with the sound of loud power tools nearly every fucking week.
But adult communities simply aren’t what they were 30 years ago and they’re never going to be again. In fact, by the time I’m old, I’m sure the car stereos will have caught up to these places right along with the power tools. If we can just get off the busy street and further from airports, big and small, it’s got to be quieter. As far as the circular saws that are everywhere these days, maybe we can get lucky enough to get a neighbor that uses that shit once a month instead of once a week. Yeah, maybe.
Meanwhile, while we still think we’ll probably start off in a Florida park and then look for land there, we’re going to keep all our options open. If we find the ideal piece of land in the ideal location in some other state, we might take it as long as it doesn’t get too cold or snow there. It would take a hell of a place to get me to go where it snows. It’s hard, though, trying to find a place in a decent climate that’s not too far from a hospital if God forbid we ever needed to go, and that’s at least 70% white.
As a backup for if Florida messes with my asthma, allergies or sleep, we’re looking at Northeastern Texas and the desert areas of California which is the only affordable area that isn’t so expensive in this state.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 25, 2020 The new mattress pad is nice, but I found it too thick to cut up into liners for the pigs so the old one will just get thrown out.
I feel pretty well-rested for one who woke up twice to pee, once with horrible shoulder pain after lying on it wrong, TMJ pain because my mouthguard was too big, and then a funny-ish nightmare about kissing Suki and my lips getting stuck to hers. I woke up just as I was beginning to panic but managed to pry a corner of my mouth from hers.
I re-boiled the mouthguard and resized it to my lower teeth. Still comes up easily, though, since it’s not molded exactly to my teeth and is a bit wide for me since I’m small. Ordered some kids’ mouthguards, though I’m sure I can use these for a while.
While he grabbed something to hopefully help his tendonitis, I also grabbed a $10 pack of a dozen nail strips all with colors I like. Wearing one a week, I’ve now got a year’s supply unless Aly wants some more. I suggested the cuticle oil that I’ve been using. In just a few days I swear I have new growth, based on the position of my nail stickers. I use it after my shower and again before bed.
Had a feeling come over me saying that our forever house is going to be a 2006 but that makes no sense being magnets for older stuff and only having so much money. I’m sure it will be the '70s or '80s. That’s still a step up from the '40s-'60s places we usually end up in.
Sometimes I don’t know who’s worse, our nation’s thugs (notice they’re never totally innocent) or the pigs that think their job is to play judge, jury, and executioner when in fact their job is simply to arrest suspects. It’s up to the courts to decide if they’re guilty or not. SMH, at least the ped isn’t going to be assaulting anyone else sexually in the future or beating up on his family.
I wish they wouldn’t put so much shit in the news. It only sparks riots and other problems, and well, is it really my business what goes on between a thug and a pig in Wisconsin? They should at least delay things for a year or so, not to mention the fact that some of us are sick of hearing about the same damn subjects day in and day out.
The other day I was thinking about how a part of me misses emotions. I mean real emotions. Not that I would want to be as emotional as I used to be but age, experience, maturity and EMDR have definitely dulled them for the most part. I’ve come to see, though, just how much my dying hormones affected my emotions which in many ways affected my creativity. I don’t want to be as angry as I used to be. I don’t want to have any reason to feel stressed and depressed to the degree that I used to. But sometimes I miss having fun crushes on whoever wherever for they often acted as great muses for stories.
And then one of my old muses was there in my dreams…Nane. I still wouldn’t want her back in my life but that doesn’t mean she can’t be in some of my stories. Like this funny one that was based on the idea for Far from Home where she let me stay in her apartment for the sake of Christiane who died after I’d been staying with her but does all kinds of things to mess with me while I always remain one step ahead of her, in a sense. So I’m working on a story idea but not the one I had for NaNo. It’s called My Little Slave.
The funny part of the dream was that Nane wouldn’t let me come and go from the apartment while she was working because she didn’t want me to have a key to the place, so she told me it was either in or out. Not wanting to walk around aimlessly in a foreign country that gets cold and snowy, I opted to stay in. Nane ordered me to stay at the kitchen table unless I had to use the bathroom while she was gone (I at least had my own laptop I could use), insisting there were cameras all over the apartment and would make me a casserole of whatever kind the night before which would serve as my food for the following day. LOL, so I’m going to add to and expand on that idea.
Later…
Last night, the very mean, ugly and butchy Mary D popped into my mind unbidden. The one who trashed my apartment and attacked me in the late '80s when coming to pick up a record I’d borrowed for prank calling her at the house she lived in with her twin sister and BIL.
Oh, I remember it quite clearly. She came in without a word and stepped into the living room where I handed her the album. Then she picked up one of mine and smashed it on the entertainment center I had at the time. At first I don’t think I said anything because I was stunned. Next thing I knew she was toppling over that, the organ I had, and then she was throwing punches at me. I began throwing them back as hard and as fast as I could but it didn’t do me any good at all. Then she ripped the phone out of the wall, knocked me down on my back, straddled me, and proceeded to beat me in the face with the phone all the while screaming, “Call me, Jodi! Call me!”
I tried to tell her I loved her to get her off of me but she only screamed, “No! You never loved me!”
Damn right I didn’t!
But why didn’t I call the cops on her? I guess because I was never one to run to the pigs with my problems with others and had lost faith in the system. Besides, I never knew where she lived. I didn’t know at the time that a name and a number would have been enough for the cops since it was their job to track her down, but I doubt they would have put much effort into it.
Fortunately, I only had some bumps and bruises but nothing that required me to go to the hospital. I vaguely remember her calling to gloat about the attack saying, “I thought you were tough” or something like that and that she had “no intention of beating the shit out of me.”
My guess is she fought me her hardest but if she didn’t, thank God for that much because she ended up being a lot stronger than I would have guessed. I should have recognized the signs too. They were there. But young naive little me didn’t catch on when she spoke about her and others wanting to beat up some girl one time and then speeding dangerously in the car another time when I said something that pissed her off. She admitted that one was immature of her when I told her it was.
Thank God even more that I was never attracted to her. I can just imagine the hell I would have gone through being in a relationship with her.
Although she later told me she felt bad for attacking me, and while I know it was wrong of me to prank her, she’s part of what made me a very defensive and angry person. Apology or not, I would absolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVE a rematch with her. I’m just about a hundred percent certain the outcome would be very different a second time around. Just a feeling.
But would anything up there send anyone after me it knew I could take? Of course not!
Anyway, I wasn’t the writer or the person I am now, so I know I didn’t mention it much way back when. It was November of 1988, I just found, and I only wrote one quick paragraph in regard to it.
Didn’t know much about her but I swear she said something about her and another girl being raped by some guy and that the other girl “didn’t make it.”
Maybe that was why she was so angry and violent.
Realizing that the world has gotten so damn noisy no matter what (yeah, the cock is sawing again), I think we may as well forget rural. What would be the point if we’re still going to hear shit? We may actually hear more than just saws and loud vehicles when you add in the kids, dogs and boom stereos. Unless we get a piece of land so big that we can’t afford it or it’s in a shitty climate, we can never get far enough away not to hear people. So we may as well stay in a park and head for the coast so we can at least visit the beaches. The Venice area on the Gulf side may be ideal. I’m just tired of running from what I can’t escape. Still want to get as far away from the street as possible, though. Listening to shit while I’m awake is one thing. Being woken up by it is another.
And if there’s one thing I hate about Tom is that he never wants me to complain to anyone about anything. I do understand his paranoia to a degree, really, I do. But what are we supposed to do? Take shit all our lives and never say anything?
I can’t complain to the park about anything because A, he would rather give in to their every demand as if we’re children even though they work for us and we’re the ones paying them, and B, because the fuckers will only counter complain.
MONDAY, AUGUST 24, 2020 It’s sad that despite the Jews going through the worst shit ever being slaughtered by the millions, most have ended up doing quite well while blacks chose poverty and the thug life.
I only partially agree with this. No one chooses poverty. We certainly didn’t choose it when the economy went to hell. I believe that sometimes people really do get caught up in circumstances beyond their control. However, I do agree that criminality is a choice. No one has to be a criminal whether they have money or not. Joining gangs, rioting, stealing, drugging, killing… that’s all a choice and that’s why it’s hard to feel sorry for some people.
Woke up with a bit of a sore throat. Hopefully, it doesn’t mean anything and will go away soon enough. Also woke up to a T-storm. It didn’t wake me up. I heard it after I got up and turned the sound machine off. It’s very mild. So much so that I can smell smoke, so I’m not going out walking this morning. It’s good to give my hip a break every now and then anyway.
It’s funny because yesterday and the day before, even though I took the same route, Fitbit thought I climbed 2 floors yesterday and 3 the day before. There are only two sections that are uphill, one of them being a bit steep.
To finish up with the 23andMe results, the only thing it told Tom he was at risk of getting was celiac disease. It told me I had a variant for hereditary hemochromatosis but that it was unlikely I had an increased risk. I did have a slightly increased risk of late-onset Alzheimer’s disease and hereditary thrombophilia. We both have a typical likelihood of type 2 diabetes.
I was surprised it didn’t pick up on my thyroid and other things, but I guess not everything has a genetic component. Plus, there can be other variants not detected or that they don’t test for with some diseases.
Most surprising was that I don’t have any carrier traits. One of the many reasons I decided not to have a kid was that while I knew it was unlikely to also have atresia, I was afraid it would have so many health problems because many run in my family. That’s what my parents led me to believe too, but then I was at that age where many parents were beginning to say just about anything to deter their daughters from not focusing on careers instead.
Tom and I are not related in any way. So no incest going on here, LOL. He has more Neanderthal variants than 74% of 23andMe customers and I have more than 28%.
They got most things right but not all of them. I’ve never had a bunion, for example, and I don’t get motion sickness. But I definitely prefer sweet to salty, chocolate to vanilla, my big toe really is longer, I don’t have a unibrow, I don’t have flat feet, I wouldn’t fear public speaking, and I don’t have dandruff.
It’s so cool how I can now use Google Maps to measure distance. I always thought that the wall of the dumpy old tilted house we rented in Oregon was 40 or 50 feet away from the rental to the left that was full of young party animals before we left in 2007, but nope. It was 64 feet away.
Virginia has been spending the days elsewhere, which is probably best for her. I saw Nancy’s car there later in the day yesterday and Tom said he saw one of them bringing in a bag of stuff. I just hope she keeps the house for eight or nine more months!
For a few seconds, I thought I heard that fucking saw a couple of days ago. Definitely heard a saw, but it almost didn’t seem loud enough to be Dahl. I still can’t believe how common that shit is here of all places.
Got my wonderfully smelling cuticle oil yesterday. It smells of milk and honey. I also got the nightguards and now I’m pissed we spent hundreds to have my old dentist make me one when I can use these much cheaper disposables. Two of them came in a pack that is small enough for me and I’m sure I can use them for months before I need to get new ones.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 23, 2020 In getting my report from 23andMe yesterday, there was definitely a lot of surprise, a little disappointment, and a whole lot of funny.
I had asked Norma a while back if I could be Ashkenazi (my GYN said they have an increased risk of breast cancer) and she said she didn’t think so since I didn’t have dark eyes and because I’m pale-skinned. it was soon determined, or so I thought, that I was probably Litvak. So when I read that I was 99% Ashkenazi, I was like wow! Norma was surprised as well when I shared the news with her.
Where there was a slight bit of disappointment was that when I first glanced at the ancestry composition, I expected a long list of percentage breakdowns of all the different countries I supposedly originated from, as I’ve seen in sample reports. Yet there was virtually nothing there that was kind of boring, LOL. Okay, I’m 99.3% “broadly” European. I’m broadly 0.2% East Asian & Native American, broadly 0.2% Western Asian & North African, and then there’s 0.3% that’s unassigned. I guess unassigned means that they don’t yet have enough data collected to get any real definitive information and some areas, even though they tell me I have shared DNA with 1365 customers and 75 of them are “close” relatives. That’s why, the more people that submit samples, the percentages of our origins can change over time. So I’ll have to look for updates periodically.
The fact that the mitochondrial Eve, the mother of all humans, lived in Eastern Africa over 150K years ago makes me wonder if that explains the 0.2% African in me even though it says “North” African.
The Jews started out in East Asia which could also explain the tiny speck of Asian in me, and they eventually settled in Central and Eastern Europe, later migrating to America and other places in hopes of gaining acceptance in escaping persecution. So instead of showing me a list of countries, they just showed me a region which is what I expected it to be. It told me 100% of my relatives are Ashkenazi and 77% of them were less likely to live near a farm when they were young.
Just like not all blacks are quite the same since some can be American, Haitian, Jamaican, African, etc., we come in a variety as well with Mizrahi, Sephardic, Ethiopian, Hasidic, and the most common which is Ashkenazi. Thanks to Shitler, though, I am a very unique breed with only 10 to 12 million of us left on Earth and about 5 million in the US. I always did say no one had it as bad as the Jews (and gays) for a reason.
Jews were the least diverse in that they were very strict about marrying other Jews but that was mostly because they were forbidden to do so like blacks and whites were once forbidden to marry. Over the years there has been more inbreeding. Tom and I are an example of a mixed marriage, so I’m learning.
Yeah, this is the funny part. We used to “argue” in a funny way about being a bi-racial couple. He always insisted that’s what we were, and I was like, “Naw, Jewish is a religion, not a race. I’m white, you’re white…”
But I guess it really is both, LOL. We get a kick out of the name Ashkenazi too because it sounds so Indian. As silly as it may sound, I felt a surge of pride to be this unique Ashkenazi despite not doing anything to earn it, and the fact that I don’t have an exciting mix of things in my heritage.
Also funny was how Tom joked about me being the purebred while he was the mutt, LOL. It’s true, too. His composition looked more typical with him being 99.6% European, 36.9% French & German, 26.7% Scandinavian, 22.7% British & Irish, and 0.6% Finnish. He also had something like 1% unassigned.
This entry is getting a bit long so I will save additional info I’ve learned for another time.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 22, 2020 We could get our DNA results as early as today since they’re now being computed, but we’re hoping Monday at the latest.
Today’s Nane’s birthday. She would now be 60 years old. And she’s never going to be allowed back into my life either, not that she would ever want to be. Still, it makes me proud of myself to be able to say that and mean it. :-) Same goes for Maliheh, Andy, Paula, the termites, and anyone else who either dumped me or that I dumped.
Went on a half-hour walk yesterday afternoon which was about 2,600 steps. Still not quite making 10K, but I think the half-hour of activity 5 days a week is more important. Besides, more is not better. I just read a health article that talks about studies proving that more is actually bad for you just like underexercising can be.
Had some hip pain and I thought I would be in for a ton of it today but I’m fine so far. I’ll probably go on another walk in a couple of hours. Walking in a gated community in a dry climate is the ONLY thing I’m going to miss other than a few of my neighbors and doctors, so I’m going to make the most of it and take every opportunity I get to get out there.
Nail foil is not the way to go. At least not for me, it isn’t. It might be better to decorate things with but not my nails. It looks too much like chipped nail polish. It’s virtually impossible to get an entire full-nail transfer. I wanted to foil the ugly olive strips that were included in this weekend’s set which also has black and white marble strips. I like black marble a lot, but don’t care for white marble much. It looks like white polish with a few faint gray smudges as if something brushed against it.
Nail polish is going to be my best bet for altering the less appealing colors. I did a test to see if I could polish them while still on the wax paper they come on, figuring it would be easier to get even coverage that way and a great way to avoid getting any polish in my cuticles, but I found that after I let it dry and I lifted the strip, it also pulled up the nail polish that spilled over the edges and that wouldn’t be something I could trim off easily. Better to just polish the strips after they’ve been applied to my nails. I’m mostly steady-handed so if I take my time, I can get most of it where I want it to be.
I had some spares, so I tore off the three strips I foiled and replaced them with a couple of dark red glitter strips and a rainbow strip. The glitter is harder to see in the darker colors, I’ve noticed. I was going to throw some polish over the three olive strips on my right hand but decided I would wait until my holographic topcoat arrived. I think that’s due tomorrow. Today I get my cuticle oil and hair dye. Monday comes the new mattress pad and Tuesday comes the new mouthguards.
ANCESTRY
Neanderthal Ancestry 225 Variants Ashkenazi Jewish 99.0% Ashkenazi Jewish
HEALTH PREDISPOSITION
Hereditary Hemochromatosis (HFE Related) Variant detected, not likely at increased risk
Hereditary Thrombophilia Slightly increased risk
Late-Onset Alzheimer’s Disease Slightly increased risk
Type 2 Diabetes Typical likelihood
WELLNESS
Alcohol Flush Reaction Unlikely to flush Oh, but I do feel a warm flush, mostly in my face, when I drink.
Caffeine Consumption Likely to consume less (If one cup a day is “less”)
Deep Sleep Less likely to be a deep sleeper
Genetic Weight Predisposed to weigh less than average (Yup)
Lactose Intolerance Likely intolerant (Somewhat)
Muscle Composition Common in elite power athletes (Definitely have been naturally muscular most of my life)
Saturated Fat and Weight Likely similar weight (Not sure what this means)
Sleep Movement Likely more than average movement
TRAITS
Ability to Match Musical Pitch About a 50/50 chance of being able to match a musical pitch (I’m actually pretty good at this. Can’t put a number on it but it’s higher than 50.)
Asparagus Odor Detection Likely can smell
Bitter Taste Likely can’t taste
Bunions More likely than average to have had a bunion (Never had one)
Cheek Dimples Likely no dimples
Cilantro Taste Aversion Slightly higher odds of disliking cilantro
Cleft Chin Likely no cleft chin
Dandruff Less likely to get dandruff
Earlobe Type Likely detached earlobes
Earwax Type Likely wet earwax (Ew!)
Eye Color Likely brown or hazel eyes (Wrong. Started off hazel, went green in my early 20s)
Fear of Heights More likely than average to be afraid of heights (Not unless they’re open heights)
Fear of Public Speaking Less likely to have a fear of public speaking
Finger Length Ratio Likely ring finger longer
Flat Feet Less likely than average to have flat feet
Freckles Likely a lot of freckles (Nope)
Hair Photobleaching More likely to experience hair photobleaching (Yes! My hair got much lighter upon moving to Arizona)
Hair Texture Likely straight or wavy (Nope. Curly)
Hair Thickness Less likely to have thick hair (Had very thick hair when I was younger)
Ice Cream Flavor Preference More likely to prefer chocolate over vanilla ice cream
Light or Dark Hair Likely dark
Misophonia Average odds of hating chewing sounds (OMG, I HATE the sound of chewing!)
Mosquito Bite Frequency Likely bitten more often than others
Motion Sickness More likely to experience motion sickness (I don’t)
Newborn Hair Likely lots of baby hair (Yup)
Photic Sneeze Reflex Likely no photic sneeze reflex
Red Hair Likely no red hair (I have 1%, hubs has 6%)
Skin Pigmentation Likely lighter skin
Stretch Marks About a 50/50 chance of having stretch marks
Sweet vs. Salty Likely prefers sweet
Toe Length Ratio Likely big toe longer
Unibrow Likely no unibrow
Wake-Up Time Likely to wake up around 7:34 am (LMAO! Tell that to another circadian rhythm disorder person like me.)
Widow’s Peak Likely no widow’s peak (Had one when I was younger)
FRIDAY, AUGUST 21, 2020 Yay, my DNA is in review now! So is his, so we’re in the same batch.
I slept better and woke up feeling more rested but now the fatigue is setting in yet again. Perhaps that’s because I’ve had nothing but junk since getting up. A huge TV dinner and ice cream. I’ll get some blueberries into me soon. Plus a 100-calorie pack of cashews.
Don’t know if I’m going to be going out walking this morning because of the smoke due to the fires coming from Vacaville. That’s about 45 miles from us. Yesterday, just opening the front door to receive groceries gave me quite a whiff of smoke and it made my lungs tight enough to need a puff of my inhaler. Tom didn’t do any outside work.
Fitbit asked Tom if he would be willing to participate in an experiment that he agreed to and that he may ultimately get paid for. They want to study his HR. We’re guessing this study is for people in their 60s.
He got a sleep score of 90 the other day. I can’t imagine ever getting mine that high. It was 88 the last time around, and my heart went down to 65.
The dentist texted me the other day saying to watch for the latest COVID-19 instructions 2 hours before my appointment next week. Definitely looking forward to getting my teeth cleaned. They’re overdue and kind of yucky-looking. Time for new mouthguards too as this one is getting kind of old and gross. I soaked it in peroxide earlier.
In just a couple of weeks, I will have been alive for 20K days. If I’m right about not making it to 80, then I should have less than 10K days to go. I’m okay with that too. The world and the people in it have always been fucked up but it just seems to be getting worse and worse with time. Plus I still get bored a lot. How many thousands of days could I do the same things over and over again? I just hope my death isn’t too torturous and that there’s no afterlife!
I had a dream we were living somewhere and were both up late one night when I heard a motorcycle tear out of the park. I could still hear it once outside the park over 1000 feet away and was worried that we’d never be able to get far enough away from them for me to not have to blast the sound machine while sleeping.
This is a real concern of mine too. Especially when motorcycles are even more abundant in Florida. Had they been roaring by our place in Maricopa, even though the bedroom was about 150 feet away from the street, it would have woken me up even with the box fan I would sleep with. But motorcycles have never been a problem for me until I came here, and I know they’re worse in Florida, both from what I heard when I was there and read online.
I didn’t hear any in the park throughout the night, but I heard plenty of them blazing down the freeway. That may not be nearly as maddening as when they go by the house but they’re still audible enough, especially at night when sound carries easier.
Interestingly enough, I also had a dream about that cold-hearted bigot Rosemarie from the Vista Ventana apartment complex that apparently made more of a lasting impression on me than I would have imagined given the very brief time I knew the gorgeous Italian hater.
I guess we ended up living in the same apartment building or maybe they were rented rooms or something. Either way, we eventually recognized each other, and I told her I would never be the pest I was years ago, something I would never say since I was never a pest in any way. But we seemed to put the past behind us and get along, eventually connecting on Facebook. I sat silently watching in the background and then one day she said she was glad that Rick, the guy she was with at the time I knew her in real life, was long gone because he was such an asshole. I was sure to “like” that one.
In real life, he seemed like he was a very controlling and probably abusive guy. I believe Rosemarie was indeed straight and uncomfortable around lesbians and bisexual women, but I always wondered if things might have turned out differently had Rick not been around to be such a negative influence on her. Perhaps we would have been friends. Who the hell goes from claiming to be understanding and accepting one minute to telling me that they thought about it and were too religious to bother with my kind the next? Regardless, it was one of many glimpses into the darkness and dishonesty the lies within so many people’s hearts shown to me between the late 80s and early 90s which helped to shape me into the distrusting and non-sociable person I became. What I could really kick myself for most was how forgiving I remained so late in life. So many people I took back into my life that I never should have. An apology meant everything to me and was the magic word for making things better. Never again! Once a person proves to be a problem, that’s it. I’m done. I don’t have to be forced to go to school with anyone of toxic nature, and I don’t have to work with anyone who’s fucked up, so there’s no need or reason to put up with any drama unnecessarily. Why put myself through that and do that to myself when I’ve had more than enough? Definitely better to have just a few close friends than dive into a sea of people which I’m smart enough to know is mostly going to bring trouble. Even Tom’s had enough bad experiences with people to have smartened up. But he’s smarter than me. He caught on way before I did. The only reason I accepted the termite back into my life was to get my hands on whatever money I could when our parents died to help us move. As soon as I had the money, I should have bailed.
I wasn’t at all surprised to read that countries run by women have been more successful in dealing with the virus. I’ve always believed women, in general, were smarter than men (except for Tom). Better looking too, for the most part, LOL. It’s about time people are finally seeing this and that there is no “weaker” sex. There’s more to fighting than size and gender. Like rage, determination, fitness level, and other things.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 20, 2020 It’s great to see the serious or critical down by about 5,000 cases. They say we can expect another surge at the end of the year but hopefully, that will be the last one and we’ll have access to a vaccine early next year.
First day under the triple digits in a while. It’s even getting down to 65 degrees tonight instead of 75 as it has been. The 10-cast says we’re going to range between 97 and 100 degrees.
Bet the guy across the street is just itching to jump out and grab that fucking saw, aren’t you, you little cock? At least it will make it easier for Tom to work outdoors. The new fence isn’t up yet but he’s been cleaning the gutter that runs alongside the carport.
Went out for a 15-minute walk yesterday morning at 6:30 since I did 15 minutes on the treadmill earlier. The sky was tainted brown due to the fires and I could make out the faint smell of smoke.
There are two definite new markings on Tandy at both ends of the street. If prayer actually worked, I would be down on my knees praying that they don’t work in the street by our place before we leave!
My hip pain started up yesterday but it’s not too bad today. Didn’t sleep so well either. Kept waking up a lot. Twice I had to get up and pee and once due to loud traffic blasting by. Sometimes I woke up just because. He cooked something strong-smelling, though I’m not sure if the smell woke me up or if I woke up and then smelled it.
I feel like I’m stuck in one big waiting game now with so many months ahead of us. We’re still eight or nine months away from moving. I’m excited but nervous. I just can’t picture us lucky enough to go straight from this place to a new home, though. No, something up there must fuck with us and delay things, so we’re stuck in an extended-stay hotel for a while and losing money which would delay moving from the temporary home even more. I’m surprised there were delays getting into this place as noisy as it is. If it were up to me, though, I would rather leave now and spend a couple of weeks in a hotel before getting into the house as opposed to waiting nearly a year and going straight to the house.
The biggest negative to owning is that it’s so hard to move when you want to! You can’t just up and go whenever yet in most cases it’s cheaper to own than rent. Even the one-bedroom apartments around here are more than this place and I can’t stand living attached to others anyway since adding door slamming, footsteps, TVs, music and voices to all the outside commotion is definitely not something I could ever get into.
Still no Bob obit, so I’m guessing there never will be. I wonder why. It just seems strange. Maybe everybody hated the guy. That family isn’t hurting for money, so they could definitely afford one.
12:40 a.m. and a commercial just passed overhead. In another 10-15 days, they’re going to be driving me crazy.
Came up with a story idea but I’m thinking I’m going to just wait until NaNoWriMo as I don’t expect to get another one between now and then.
Ran out to Rite-Aid yesterday.
It seems the thing Aly told Molly she would find out who was behind was a Twitter account pretending to be a celebrity Molly’s really into, Nick Carter. That totally smacks of Kim but if she’s not allowed online, then it’s obviously someone else fucking with her.
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 19, 2020 OMG, I’ve learned to make the best scrambled eggs ever! First I crack the eggs into a bowl and spray the surface with butter spray. Then I add some garlic salt, minced onion, and shredded cheese, and mix it all up. So delicious! But I really should wait until I talk to my doctor in October about that thing I read saying eggs don’t raise cholesterol levels like saturated fat and see what she thinks. Just because I probably wouldn’t opt in for chemo if I had cancer doesn’t mean I want to hasten my death along either.
Looks like the spots on my back are healing so maybe they weren’t pre-cancerous spots. We’re keeping an eye on them and I’ll decide when I see my doctor if they’re worth mentioning or not. I’ve had suspicious spots before that went away, like the one on my chest.
Got the nail glue today which came with a cute little case of 10 solid-colored glitter foils. I not only learned that I really needed that glue but that the longer you keep the foil on before peeling it off, the more of the design will transfer. I think it will be best to get solid colors rather than foils with flowers and other designs because it’s hard to transfer the entire thing. I’m finding it’s best for making random streaks of color. I did the nail with turquoise polish with shots of red, royal blue and silver. Did the dark red nail strip with royal blue, gold and a speck of green. So multicolored nails are the easiest to create. Didn’t need to cure it either. I just threw a topcoat over it. So from now on, any boring colored nail polish strips that are included in the sets I get will be dressed up with shots of color.
Grabbed some cuticle oil along with what should be my last 3-pack of hair dye in this place. I usually do it every few months, so I’ll probably dye my hair in September, December and March.
I’m glad I didn’t send Aly any more nail strips because just when she thought the nail hardener was helping her nails, they’re brittle and breaking again. She’s going to ask her doctor about it when she sees them.
She’s really stressed out right now and considering moving home when her lease is up because her mother isn’t eating. She lost 45 lbs and is really frail and does nothing but lie around. Her dad isn’t doing well either and she’s scared for them. Guess that’s why I haven’t had the feeling that they would make it to Florida, unfortunately, but they are old. Not really old but they’re in their seventies.
I hate to do it since I’ve been feeling great but I’m cutting doses and waiting time this week because I just don’t see myself being able to make it without getting anxious all the way into early October when I go to the lab. After the lab, we’ll see if I can beat my 10-week record.
I’ve been getting a lot of spam calls from my area code, but I can never find out who the hell the numbers go to. A couple of them have green verified checks next to them but they never leave a message. The only message I got today was a 3-minute message in which only soft office sounds could be heard in the background. It’s got to be some type of spam or scam for them not to be leaving real messages and to keep calling from different numbers as if they expect to be blocked or something. Whenever I try to find out who owns the numbers, I don’t get any concrete answers but a mix of possibilities instead. I suppose one could never know for sure since anyone could get phone numbers, email addresses, and pretty much anything in a bogus name. So I’m thinking spam or scam like maybe they want to try to get “donations” for some fictitious cause.
Slept well for 6 hours and 20 minutes with a sleep score of 88. Got up once to pee, and don’t remember any dreams.
Going to be running out to Rite Aid when they open in the morning. I might do a pre-dawn walk but I’m not sure yet. I’ll definitely hit the Bowflex and do some indoor cardio.
I was sitting here thinking about how I was wrong in believing we would always be broke. Now if only I could find next year that I’m just as wrong in believing we’ll never have a place we both absolutely love. That’s more complicated than money. With money, you either have it or you don’t. But when it comes to where you live, there are a number of factors that can make it either good or bad.
On the bright side, if we had a place, I totally fell in love with I would only worry we’d lose it. It always seems harder to stay in the good places even though we’ll never be in the kind of predicament we were in 20 years ago because things are so much different now in so many ways.
I’m never going to have a peaceful place to live. I get that. Just wasn’t meant to be. But I think we can do better than this place. We can certainly improve the climate as well even if it means bringing on the humidity.
The nights are still peaceful but in a few weeks, they won’t be.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 18, 2020 I was right in guessing that I would be tired today although I’m not that tired. Took a sugar crash nap for an hour after eating some candy, then got up, tidied up the kitchen after throwing a couple of BBQ ribs in the slow cooker, and launched the robot vacuum.
I renamed the very first Alexa we got to “Tall” since we have five different Echo devices and I figured it would be easier to keep track of which is which that way. The other one I renamed was the white one without the clock that the termite lost out on. Appropriately, I renamed it “Termite.”
The white one without the clock was okay in the bedroom except it’s too muffled-sounding for reading, so right now I have Tall in there and the one with the clock is out in the living room. The first black Dot and Termite are currently offline. Tom has the second black Dot.
I complained to the seller that sent only half of the nail foils they said they would send and was surprised to receive a full refund. They said some senseless thing about me being sent something that was returned or something like that, but either way, I guess sometimes complaining really does pay. Literally.
Still haven’t gotten 10K steps yet due to either being tired or because of where my schedule is now, but I have made a point of getting 30 minutes or more of activity 5 days a week. Might take a break from cardio today but not the Bowflex.
It’s the strangest phenomenon ever, but my body will absolutely not budge below 153-154. What matters most is that I found a way to keep from gaining to the point that I hit the 160s, but it is weird. My body really wants that extra weight. It hasn’t killed me yet, though, and it won’t kill me to live another twenty-something years with it. So I can’t do jumping jacks or hop on one foot. Big deal. As soon as my weight reaches 157, I can always low-carb back down 2-3 pounds and that’s good enough for me.
I had two different dreams about moving, only we didn’t move to the country or to a park. The first place seemed kind of industrialized and not at all like it would be peaceful. When I looked out the window at the side of the place, I found it overlooked a parking lot. A truck was pulling into the garage of what looked like an auto mechanic shop.
Decided to sleep in the bedroom furthest from it, but the front, which was where the bedrooms were was horribly close to the street. My bed was practically right on top of the street and I could imagine all the screaming kids passing by on their way to and from school along with the traffic.
The second house seemed to be very spacious. Towards the middle of the place in the back, I noticed that Tom opened a couple of windows and thought it was nice that we could do that there without letting in so much noise.
Then I spotted a spider and ran to get the vacuum to suck it up off its web. However, when I returned with a vacuum, the spider was gone. So then I picked up a can of bug spray only to find that the little nozzle you spray it with was missing.
Then I gave up on the spider and walked towards the side of the house where I caught a glimpse of an old man sitting down in a lawn chair in his backyard. He was perhaps 40 feet away.
Then I walked to the front corner of the house. There was a large area of space between the kitchen and where the front door. I looked out the door and saw the blur of movement between fence planks as a little kid played with her dog next door which stuck out in front of our place. This place was next to the old man, but the old man’s house faced a different street than our house and the house with the kid and dog.
Suddenly, the mother and the little girl that had been playing next door were just outside our place and we were introducing ourselves. I told her my husband was napping at the moment. She had 3 kids which she said were noisy and I said that I thought they were quiet and that I only heard them if I went right up to my door which I didn’t have any reason to do very often.
Then I was patting an outdoor pet of theirs which seemed to resemble a baby giraffe.
Lastly, the little girl dropped something, and I bent down to pick it up, but the mother said, “I got it.”
In the last dream, I swore I got off. Not sure if I came for real or just in the dream but as usual, I didn’t seem to have a partner, male or female. It was like I was doing myself.
Oh, how interesting. Just peeked in on Molly’s Twitter account which is now being followed by an account of Aly’s that she said she created a few months ago but wasn’t sure what to do with it. Molly complained about some strange email or something to that effect, and Aly asked if Roman, one of the guys Molly is obsessed with, is the pranking type. But she has her theory, she says. Then she said to give her the account or number and she was sure she could find out who was really behind it.
But how? Because she has a paid search or because she can hack it? But if she could hack accounts that easily like Prosebox which doesn’t alert users to unrecognized browsers logging in, then why hasn’t she messed with anything of mine there? Wouldn’t she want to delete some of the things I’ve said about her that she may not like or agree with? Or maybe she feels going that far would get her in trouble and cause me to restrict my writing to sites she couldn’t hack as easily?
Of course, she has the account I’m connected to her on blocked to keep it from being suggested to me, but surprisingly, she didn’t block my private account. So maybe she really doesn’t know about it then, although a paid search may point it out to her since I did use a valid email to sign up for that account. If I have to verify an email address, I have no choice.
Seems she’s hesitant to blog or incorporate pent-up anger into stories to share for fear of “harming” friendships. Says not everyone needs to know her every thought anyway and that it’s better that way.
Yeah, I’ve had more than enough of the race-related shit but it’s statements like this that make me wonder just how true a friend she is. Or how honest. I learned a long time ago that she doesn’t always say what’s on her mind and can be very two-faced by telling me everything’s okay and then “secretly” tweeting just the opposite. She told Molly that Sunday was an awful day and while she did mention skin and tummy issues to me, she didn’t describe them as “awful.” In fact, she said she was in better spirits when I asked her if she was.
She’s so damn sensitive and fragile that anything I say, no matter how harmless it may seem at least to me and most people, could offend her. I stopped worrying so much about that, though, not that I don’t care but because I have to be me. I can’t babysit her feelings and constantly try to guess whether or not she may take something I say the wrong way. Some things are obvious, but I could tell her I don’t like the colors olive or mustard yellow and she could take it personally for all I know.
Really hope she doesn’t have a way of finding out that I’m now aware of and watching this account because I’d love to see what she may say or hint about me. On the other hand, she knows she could be found if she’s unprotected, so we’ll see. It will be interesting to see if she happens to change handles or get rid of the account soon because if she does it will definitely make me think she has a way of tracking her Twitter visitors that I don’t know about.
MONDAY, AUGUST 17, 2020 Got up to 111 degrees yesterday. The triple-digit days are going to last for the rest of the month if not close to it.
The freeway is definitely getting louder and I’m sure the planes will as well. Still not sure if we don’t hear the planes in the summer because we don’t hear the freeway, but I’m dreading their return either way. It is just so damn annoying! The small planes and helicopters you hear from mid-June until now are still more than I’ve ever heard at night anywhere else but damn peaceful compared to the rest of the year. We can’t escape the saws and projects but we can definitely escape the busy streets and flight paths, which I’m looking so forward to doing. If I feel tears of joy and excitement just thinking about the day we leave this place now, I can just imagine how I’ll be when that day arrives!
I get that going rural means adding barking dogs, screaming kids, and loud music but if we could find a piece of land big enough and situated far enough away from the neighbors, it’s got to be better than a park.
I put my original Fitbit band back on because I like being able to wear it on my ankle and I couldn’t with the other one. You really need a bigger wrist for the other one but it still fits well enough to wear when I’m going out and things like that.
Again I got a sleep score of 89. I slept for 6 hours and 45 minutes. The lowest I’ve seen my heart was 65 but that was just one time. It usually drops to about 67-68. So far, I’ve learned that I don’t sleep an average of 8-9 hours like I thought but more like 7-8.
23andMe is now saying they expect my results as early as the third rather than the second. His still says the second. What, are my chromosomes more complicated or something?
We’re still slowly prepping for the upcoming move. Thus far he’s mostly been concentrating on the outside, but the heatwave has been slowing that down a bit.
He’s going to show me how to use his adhesive melting thing so I can remove most of the stickers. The little basket of flowers in the bathroom can stay and maybe even the flowers in the bedroom and master bath. It’s the rats, stripper, and large rainbow daisy that need to go. Well, I’m not so sure about the daisy but the dancers in the laundry room can go.
I thought I was hearing things, but nope. We really did get a burst of rain just now. Probably because of the excessive heat. I’m hearing thunder now too.
Got some nail foil glue, a glitter topcoat, and a new mattress pad on the way. This plush pillowtop pad is just over 3 years old and many of the fluffy pockets have gone flat. Gonna cut it up to make disposable liners for the pigs when the new one arrives. They’ll love it.
Oh, fuck. Just heard a commercial. Ugh. So glad this is the last year of this shit!
As I’ve said, the current plan is to share the termite excerpt a year after we move. I think I might begin my message to them, childish or not, by saying that I got their “apology” on one of my blogs, still want nothing to do with them, but here are the excerpts they asked for, LOL.
Can’t wait to get my teeth cleaned. They definitely need it. They’re filthy. I can see the plaque and tartar buildup between the teeth, especially the bottom ones. It’s making my mouth feel not so clean and it can give you bad breath, not to mention lead to cavities, especially with me. So they’re definitely overdue to be done. I just hope no new cavities are discovered! They may be a lot easier to deal with these days, but they still cost money.
The thunder is getting closer.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 16, 2020 Realizing I no longer needed the Alexa clock giving off unwanted light when I sleep at night, I swapped it out with the one the termite lost out on. It was then that I remembered that this one has issues reading books. Its speaker is messed up and causes a hissing sound. If that happens again, and I’m sure it will, I’ll take the one in the kitchen into the bedroom and put the clock one in the kitchen.
I forgot to put my Fitbit back on after my shower yesterday evening. I would love to go out for a walk now but it’s much too warm. Fuck it. I think I’m going to go anyway after I post this entry. I’ll just stick to this side of the circle and hope I don’t see any skunks. They’re easier to get away from on foot. I can turn myself around a lot easier than I can a bike if I see one heading my way. Wonder if heading uphill from next door to our place will count as a floor climb.
Where my heart is average to good, his is good to excellent. Luckily, healthy hearts run in his family which is the opposite of mine.
Got my best sleep score yet of 89 and I feel much more rested than yesterday, but you know me…in another day or two, I’ll be tired again. I don’t understand why I sleep shitty so much of the time. I know my sleep disorder doesn’t help since it’s not good to not be able to keep a schedule. Age and the stress of the noisy street are probably the biggest factors.
Couldn’t sleep on the airbed as comfortable as it is because it was a bit too high and “wobbly” being on top of the other mattress. So it’s folded and safely tucked away in the closet for me to sleep on when we get to Florida. The only negatives to the airbed are worrying about it leaking and it does cause a pain right above my tailbone that almost feels like my lower body is trying to detach from my upper body or something, so I can see where waterbeds would be bad. Especially now that I’m older and fatter. I’ll just get cheap coils every 3-4 years. Still glad we got this thing because like I said, I can sleep on it when we move until I get a new mattress, and it helped me decide the best way to go. I just can’t see a high-end mattress lasting the rest of my life but if I can find one comfortable enough that will, great. No way I’m ordering something like that online, though. We need to go to a mattress store so I can lay on it even if it means dealing with pesky salespeople. Glad we don’t have to go to furniture stores for the rest of the furniture although this couch ended up being a lot nicer looking than it feels. It’s much too firm.
I’m learning from Aly that there are regional differences between the meanings of words. Where to say you want to jump someone back East means you want to kick their ass, I learned a long time ago that it means you want to get them in bed in the West. Well, apparently, envy and jealousy have different meanings in different locations as well. To me, I’m jealous of the murderer who gets to remain free and live a great life in great health while I envy the lottery winner.
Had a dream I was indoors in a large room that had several Jacuzzis in it. My former GYN was sitting on the steps of one of them talking to someone while she smoked a cigarette. I was surprised to find she smoked and thought that if she was so heavy as a smoker, I’d hate to think of what she might gain if she quit.
Then I was in a long corridor. She came running down it saying she had to puke. She entered a bathroom off the corridor, and I could hear her barfing behind the door.
The nail foils are a bust without the special glue they need, and I’m not too happy that they sent half of what they said they’d send, so I messaged them. Really hoped I could use them with just a clear coat of nail polish but nope. I’ll grab some glue the next time we need something from Amazon, plus a holographic topcoat I like.
Love how I can use my metallic polishes on the strips I don’t like as much. The ones I put on looked better on the sheet than they do on my nails. The accent strips are fine, but I don’t like the dark dull red ones, so I threw polish over those.
Even though I’m not keeping the dresser, I decorated the knobs with some of them too, just for fun.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 14, 2020 My skin cancer is back or at least what could be pre-cancerous spots. The one she sprayed is back and I have another one that’s smaller also on my back. I’ll have to have her spray them when I see her in a couple of months. It’s probably basal or squamous and although these cancers aren’t as aggressive or as deadly as melanoma, they can get into the bones and tissue and cause disfigurement if left untreated. Had a little bit of bleeding with the first one last night.
Really REALLY getting sick and fucking tired of being tired every 2-3 days. I knew I would be today, too. Wish I could get used to it. Hope to hell I’m not tired on moving day! I would assume that the stress of sleeping on such a busy street with so much loud traffic is a big factor, but I won’t know for sure until we move. This could just be how I am now, and I could very well be looking at spending the rest of my life tired a third of the time. I sure hope not! Not sure what else could be going on to cause me such fatigue and to not always sleep so well, but I’m sure age is a part of it. I remember one of the times I woke up was because the nature sounds playing on Alexa stopped. It does that sometimes.
My sleep score was 84 and I slept for 6 hours and 44 minutes.
Will be sleeping on the twin airbed tonight or more like tomorrow morning. It’s way comfier. Just a little “wobbly,” and I can’t use the body pillow because it’s too narrow. Maybe I’ll get a double sometime with a thinner mattress to put underneath to catch me when it leaks since these things don’t last long at all. It’s slightly tricky to climb into but easy enough to slide out of. Hopefully, I can stop waking up to pee as often as I have.
Made it over 9k steps yesterday but was pissed to have done a half-hour of activity just to have it record only 21 minutes. Guess I skied too slowly at times. Today I’m not going to get shit for steps or exercise. Too tired.
Got my new Fitbit band. Not as shiny as I thought it would be but it’s still nice and stylish. It’s easier to get on and off too.
My hair is getting long again. I can now reach the ends when the hair is pulled straight from being wet in the shower by reaching from my lower back and upward.
Right after I mentioned not being able to hear the freeway yet, I noticed the soft whisper of it when I was in the bathroom at 3 a.m. yesterday, so it’s slowly trickling back in. It’s the fucking onslaught of planes I dread the most.
Got an email at 7 p.m. saying they’re now genotyping my DNA. Exciting!
Dr. H is showing up again under Suggestions. All three of them are.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 13, 2020 Really wanted to go out walking before it was dark enough for the skunks to come out but it’s going to be too hot for the next week or so. Once I start sleeping later, I’ll go out early in the morning. I ran out to dump some trash just after 10 p.m. and it was still a sauna out. In Arizona, that was common. But not here. It usually cools off after dark.
Fitbit said I slept for 8.5 hours and this time I got a sleep score of 85. However, I feel more rested today than I did yesterday with a score of 88. HR dropped to 65. The bulk trash collectors picked the right time to wake me up because I was getting up at that time anyway. Had they come any earlier, I probably would have ended up tired, especially if I couldn’t get back to sleep. I don’t think I’ll be so lucky tomorrow when the regular trash collectors come. They’re going to come earlier.
Fitbit also says my heart is average-good for my age and all that. I crushed my 30-minute activity goal today, but I doubt I’ll hit 10K steps getting up late in the day as I did. It will be close, though.
We were excited to learn that they finally got our spit, there’s enough, and it’s not contaminated or anything like that for analysis. It’s now in the queue for the DNA cells to be extracted from the spit! We should have our results on September 2nd or September 17th at the latest. Can’t wait!
Tom said Virginia wasn’t home all day. She didn’t get back until after 8 (at least I’m guessing it was her), so maybe she spent the day elsewhere. I hope she’s not having serious health issues, but you never know since it’s not uncommon for couples who have been together for decades to die within the same time frame.
I’ve noticed my bite has been slightly off lately where the teeth on the right side almost seem a bit longer, but I wonder if it’s why my TMJ has been so much better lately. My bite isn’t bothersome in any way. It doesn’t affect how I chew or anything like that. It’s just barely noticeable.
Just two and a half weeks to go before the commercial planes will be driving me crazy by the dozens. Since they’ve been a problem from fall to spring the last couple of years, I doubt they would change flight paths this soon. Not looking forward to that at all! Can’t hear the freeway yet but that should be anytime now. So glad this will be our last winter here! For now, I’m going to continue to enjoy the mostly quiet nights that are left to enjoy.
The colorful sink strainers arrived today. I’m using the pink and blue ones and at the end of the year, I’ll switch them out for the yellow and orange. The rubbery part gets kind of yucky after a while.
I had a bunch of dreams but the only ones I remember are rearranging a large room with Tom somewhere and then another dream where I was young and single again. Maybe another dimension?
Anyway, there was this woman I was interested in and I kept hoping things would go further but wasn’t sure she was as into me as I was into her. I dropped hints about advancing to intimacy as she was driving me to her place one evening. Her house had one long big hallway running through the center of it. All the rooms were off to the sides. She gave me a tour of the rooms on one side and then said she had to pee. I asked if I could check out the room across the hall while she was in the bathroom.
With tomorrow’s Walmart order, I’m getting (hopefully) a $9 twin airbed like I would get for the RV on the mountain and when we first moved into places and had yet to get any real furniture. Always thought those were the most comfortable things I ever slept on. I’m hoping it will help my hip and keep me cooler since those things tend to be cold. So cold that during the cooler months, you need more than just a thin sheet over it. Might not need anything at all since it’s summer.
Not saying I’m going to do this, but I might just cycle through these cheap airbeds which don’t last long, rather than get a luxury mattress when we get settled wherever since the costs are actually similar, maybe even cheaper. I would get a platform that didn’t have screw heads that could poke holes in it like this one has and then use a foam or coil mattress as a base to catch me if I bottomed out in my sleep. I would always have a backup on hand, too.
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 12, 2020 Last night I felt like I could be on the verge of a wave of anxiety but next week I was going to cut the waiting time 3 days and my pill 2 days anyway. So I’ll definitely do that at that time unless it gets worse before then. Then I should be good for labs as I can now usually go at least 6 weeks without getting anxious. I felt fine today but I’m still going to drop my level a teeny bit.
Learned from 23andMe that people with O blood types are between 9-18% less likely than individuals with other blood types to test positive for the virus. Well, Tom is type O so that’s great. I don’t know what I am.
I like that you can use foil transfers on other things besides nails. Saw a picture of someone who used them for their crafts. Maybe I can decorate some things with some of them like the knobs on my dresser even though I don’t plan on taking it with me. I hope I don’t have to get foil glue, but I don’t think I will. I think they should work with polish or topcoats.
We’re going to be in for quite a heatwave, coming close to 110 degrees a few days in a row.
Why is Fitbit telling me I can eat 1519 calories? I’m not actively trying to lose weight and I haven’t for a while since deciding to just accept myself as I am, but 4 years ago I set my goal to 1200 calories. Today it’s saying I can have 1388 cals. I don’t get it.
I should try to get in the habit of throwing it in the charger when I’m showering. I don’t always hit 10K steps, though, especially if I get up late morning or early afternoon. Being tired doesn’t help either. Got the same sleep score of 88 yesterday after sleeping 9 hours and 6 minutes but didn’t awake feeling refreshed. Woke up too many times along the way, I guess. Just a bit stressed over my schedule for my appointment in a couple of weeks and being woken up by the bulk pickup trucks that didn’t come today. They’re late at times. HR went lower, though, to 68.
Looks like the only thing the public can see on my Fitbit profile might be my Lifetime Achievement Stats that keep a running total of my steps. Funny how it thought I climbed one floor when I was out walking yesterday for 10 minutes. That had to have been on my way back when I was coming up the hill. My HR peaked at 169.
Based on the signs people had in their yards, I was surprised to see at least three Biden supporters on one street alone. Usually, older people tend to be more conservative. I don’t know much about Biden, but I would love for anybody but Trump to win and I still feel confident as a psychic that he won’t. It was nice to see the very attractive Kamala Harris chosen as his VP running mate. The only thing I don’t like about her is that she seems a little too focused on her own rather than everybody as a whole, as it should be. But I would take her any day over Trump and any other conservative. Being conservative means you want to control others who aren’t like you and that you believe there is only one correct way. I grew up with a control freak. The last thing we need is someone in charge telling us how to live our lives. I’ll never understand why people who are anti-gay marriage or anti-abortion simply don’t marry the same sex or get an abortion if they’re so against these things. Meanwhile, leave everyone else the fuck alone!
I somehow unlocked a week of Premium Grammarly but so far, I don’t see any difference between it and the free version. It does do a great job overall, but it also misses things it shouldn’t. So it’s not perfect but then what is?
Still nothing from Kim. She got busted badly this time! Enjoying the break from her and I know Aly is too. For once I’m glad that Aly doesn’t follow through on her word to blog more regularly with stories or anything else. She’s been swearing she’s going to start “taking a stand” on some things and sharing her opinions on random topics, but it hasn’t happened yet. She did share a few short stories that were under 1000 words but that’s it so far. Again, I’m kind of glad because as great of a writer as she is, I don’t care for erotica, and I definitely don’t want to hear any more than I already do every single fucking day about racism!
TUESDAY, AUGUST 11, 2020 I’ve gotten to know my Fitbit a lot more. There are still some things that are confusing and frustrating, but I’m thinking I am going to keep it after all. Tom loves his. I don’t get why there’s a privacy option for sharing things like steps, sleep and HR when no one can see these things anyway. The extra features are cool even if we may not use them all. You can choose up to five different clock faces and change them whenever you want. Even though there are some pretty designs with pictures of flowers and butterflies and all that bright, colorful girly shit I’ve always loved, I’m wearing it on my ankle when I’m awake, so there’s no point in switching to a clock face that would be harder to see anyway. It was great being able to quickly check the time when I woke up, thanks to the large numbers on the large screen. Until I get even more blind of course.
Really hoping that the next place will be quieter enough that I can give him the Alexa clock and just use the first-generation Alexa for sleeping. Don’t know that I’ll be able to do away with the stereo, however, until we get land. I’m not going to be able to get motorcycles far enough away from the bedroom in any park anywhere. Plus, they’re going to have big loud commercial mowers coming right up to the windows once a week but at least it will only be once a week. Hopefully, the temp home won’t be next to someone with lots of shrubs that they trim regularly with loud equipment.
It was right on, and I mean right on, with the sleep! When I got up, I remembered getting up after 5 to pee, plus the few other times I awoke and glanced at the time. I got a good sleep score of 88 and slept for 7 hours and 44 minutes. It saw the exact times I woke, too. Slept from 2:36 a.m. to 11:12 a.m. and was awake for 52 minutes, in REM for 2 hours and 11 minutes, in a light sleep for 4 hours and 6 minutes, and a deep sleep for 1 hour and 27 minutes.
I can tell when I got up since I shot from 71 to 97 as that wake-up adrenaline shot through me. 71 was as low as my HR went. I’ve always had a naturally high HR but it’s way better, along with my sleep than when I was in perimenopause and started on the medication
That was another thing we didn’t like about the MorePro is that it would only track sleep between midnight and 8 a.m.
So since I’m keeping it, I decided to go ahead and get that bling band. Others with small wrists say it fits them. Don’t know that I could open it wide enough to get it on my ankle but changing bands on these things is a nightmare.
I’m also getting nail foil in 91 different colors and designs. :-) I look forward to trying them! I should be able to do so without having any chemicals touch my nails. Whenever I get a set of nail polish strips that are boring, I can throw a topcoat (or some real polish) over them and then foil the top with whatever design I want. I’m getting a huge mix of things from holographic to chrome to glitter to flowers and so much more.
Nail stamping is something I would never bother trying because it seems to be a really messy pain in the ass. With the foil, I shouldn’t need any special glues or UV lights. So it will be to dress up those boring colors mixed in with whatever sets of stickers I get.
I’m going to go out running later this evening so I should beat my high HR score of 126 that I hit yesterday on the skier. Didn’t quite get 10k steps yesterday because I forgot that the next day starts at midnight and not when I go to bed.
Pretty fucking sad that we have to “negotiate” whether or not to help the American people, but in a heartbeat, we’ll send millions to a terroristic country like Lebanon that wouldn’t do shit for us in return if they could.
I’m also wondering if we’re ever going to have a woman or gay president in my lifetime. Hell, we haven’t even had a Jewish, Hispanic or Asian president. But we’ve had a black one. See why it gets to me when people claim blacks don’t have the same opportunities as others? Oh, I totally believe they didn’t used to. No doubt about that. But I think they’ve had equal opportunities for quite a while now regardless of how some of the police treat them. Doctors, lawyers, nurses and many other great jobs including those currently training for great careers in law enforcement, medical, legal, labor and all kinds of things. Many jobs will purposely pass over whites in favor of minorities and or foreigners. I personally know people this has happened to.
Holly and Shannan are back to being suggested to me, but I haven’t seen Dr. H.
Had a dream that I made a prank call to Andy where I didn’t say anything.
I also dreamed a therapist came to visit me and she brought a suitcase to help with the move or maybe some vacation I was about to embark on. The place was long and cluttered. As she settled on the couch, I told her I had to pee before we started talking. I tried to hop quickly and gracefully over all the furniture and clutter just to feel like I was stuck in slow motion or something. Once I got to the bathroom, I could barely even push my string bikini panties down. It was as if they just didn’t want to budge.
MONDAY, AUGUST 10, 2020 It’s been a fun yet sometimes frustrating day, LOL, but yes, I’ve definitely been in good spirits overall and that means a lot to me. I’ll never take these good feelings for granted. Not after the hell I went through from 2014 until early last year.
So our new Fitbits came earlier than expected. There’s a part of me that thinks I should return it and that it’s a waste of money since it doesn’t have a speaker or do all the things I thought it would do. I can talk to Alexa, but she doesn’t talk back. She writes her response on the screen. So that means I can’t play music from it either. It would have to be synced to Bluetooth or something like that.
Setting it up and learning about the features has been more frustrating than fun. We had to watch a tutorial just to change the damn band sizes which seem a bit extreme for the amount of money we paid for this thing. Pretty sure this is the Rolls-Royce of Fitbits, so when you’re getting something that’s top-of-the-line, it just seems like things shouldn’t be this complicated.
His is actually in shades of black and gray. It’s a limited-edition band. It came with an extra band in a hideous shade of army green that not even he likes.
I’m still thinking of getting the diamond rose gold band if I don’t send it back altogether. It is still kind of fun and a definite motivator. I just prefer to wear mine on my ankle more often because my arms don’t always swing back and forth when I walk, especially if I’m carrying something and that way my steps don’t get tracked. My band is a light pale pink which is nice but not great. It’s better than the tangerine Charge HR I used to have that actually looked more like red with a hint of orange.
I just wish I knew why I was getting so much skin irritation lately when things are in contact with it. I’ve worn my wedding band for 26 years yet lately I’ve been getting red and irritated beneath it and have to take it off for a while. Same with the Fitbit, though it’s worse around my wrist than my ankle. I don’t think it will be comfortable to sleep with it around my ankle, though. Besides, that wouldn’t be very convenient if I wanted to glance at the time throughout the night. I keep the Alexa clock turned away because even on the dimmest setting it’s too bright and I like the bedroom pitch black. I dimmed the screen on my Fitbit.
I was checking out the different clock faces but had some issues with some of those so I’m using the one that came with it for now which is actually the easiest to see. Functionality is more important than its inner appearance.
We’ve had issues trying to set up notifications and the GPS but hopefully I won’t be woken up by anything new that comes in since I’m going to set it to Sleep Mode before I crash. If that doesn’t work, then I guess I’ll try Do Not Disturb.
What’s better about Fitbit than MorePro is that even though the MorePro had more things it tracked, Fitbit is definitely more accurate.
My hip still bugs me at times but it’s nothing too debilitating.
As I said, though, there are some frustrations that go with it and some things I don’t get. I have most of my graphs and all of my statistics set to public yet when I view my profile from the public’s perspective, all I see is stuff from 2016.
Also, how the hell could I have had too many calories when it says I’ve burned more than I’ve eaten? I burned 1417 and ate 1375.
We went to Rite Aid earlier and saw that the SUV was parked in front of next door. Saw some other guy walking around the carport and bending down to look at something just outside of it by the property line. Getting the feeling they’re gearing up to clear things out and move her. :-(
The bastard with the saw was quiet for the last couple of days but I don’t expect it to last more than a week or so if even that.
Tom has torn down the old rotted fence in the back corner and the next step will be to put up the new one.
Since Dixie fell this morning and didn’t think she could get outside safely and easily enough, instead of going down for a visit, we had a phone visit and chatted for about an hour.
I voice-typed this entry on the skier which Fitbit thinks is an elliptical machine. Now I’m “in the zone.” It says I’ve now burned 1567 calories. Then it says I reached my goal of 1475 cals.
But my goal is set to 1200, even though I knew I’d have more than that. So yeah, not sure how that works. I don’t expect to lose weight, and that’s okay. As long as I’m active for at least a half-hour most days
I got up shortly before 11:00 AM and put it on a couple of hours later. So in the 12 hours I’ve been wearing it I’ve accumulated 7474 steps and 41 minutes of activity. My heart peaked at 126. Made a quick drop to 70 but that’s no doubt when I took it off of my wrist to transfer it to my ankle. I’ll be sure to hit 10K steps before bed.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 9, 2020 Ordered some tracing paper to make nail sticker templates for the ones that are too big for my nails. I’ll trace some of the ones that fit and those will be my templates so I can cut the bigger ones to the proper size.
Really like some of the bands they have for the Versa. Fell in love with this rainbow band but I fell even harder for a rose-gold band I found with shiny “diamonds” embedded in it. Makes it look less sporty and more feminine. It also has a clasp that I think will be easier to get on and off. It’s beautiful and definitely more like jewelry and a fancy watch than anything else. But it’s not just about looks for me. I’m so excited to get using it! We went through the online user guide to get a head start in getting familiar with it for when it comes on the 11th.
I picked out what songs I want to load on it. I’m thinking I’ll put it on my right wrist even though it may be harder to get on and off that way because that’s the side my hearing ear is on. They say it’s waterproof, but I really don’t want to wear it in the shower.
Now if only I could stop breaking things and my hip would get better. As I was going out the screen door in back, which is getting kind of ancient, part of the metal frame in the center popped off but Tom was able to put it back on in no time.
My hip problem could still be the sciatic nerve or arthritis but now we’re wondering about a damaged hip flexor. I did some stretching exercises and I’m hoping that will help.
He began working on the back corner and will soon be removing the little fence back there so long as nothing else breaks to take his time away from it. He thinks he can be done in time for the bulk trash collection.
When I looked out front earlier, I noticed that Nancy was parked in the driveway. The garage door was open but there was no sign of their SUV. I’m thinking they got rid of it. I just hope she stays there while we’re still here! I thought of going over to show my support but not with the virus still going around and not knowing if she’s even up to having company to begin with.
Dixie invited me down yesterday evening, but I told her it was still not a good time for me. She left a voice message earlier today saying that her computer is broken so call if I want to talk. I texted her back, but I don’t know if she got the message. Monday or Tuesday evening I should be able to get down there. Plus, I can start taking the bike out in the evening.
With all the delays at the post office, thanks to the fucking virus, I’m starting to think our spit isn’t going to make it to 23andMe this month.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 8, 2020 A father-and-son team came out and fixed the clog in the kitchen sink. It��s nice that it only costs $176 since most places want more, but it still seems a bit extreme for a simple job but didn’t even take a half hour. He just vacuumed out the excess water, opened the pipe, and sent his motorized snake down the drain.
It probably was my fault after all as he mentioned eggshells being good for disposals but bad for drains and I definitely put some eggshells down lately. Potatoes are another bad thing as I’ve known for a while now, but we’re just not going to bother using them anymore. Garbage disposals are always a problem. I can just scrape any leftover food off the plate and into the trash. I’ve got some new colorful sink strainers on the way in pink, yellow, blue and orange.
I just wish our shit would stop breaking. The next thing to break was the motor on the coded lock on the back door. I sensed it was broken very strongly and told him so before he discovered that was the case by running some tests. Just a feeling that came to me. So he’s ordered yet another part for that which is another $50.
Starting to see a familiar and frustrating pattern here as I remember the breakage curse that seemed to be on us in Arizona where things were constantly breaking, big and small.
Another frustrating thing was that when I was finally able to clean up the kitchen and put things away, I cut myself on the slicer when loading up the dishwasher. Cut myself deeper than I have in ages, but we managed to put a Band-Aid on it and get it under control. It started bleeding again when I removed the Band-Aid and took a shower, so I re-bandaged it and it’s better today.
Yesterday I had better energy than I’ve had in a while but today I’m tired. It totally fucking figures, too. I knew I would be. I knew I would have trouble sleeping because I had so much energy yesterday. It took 2 Calms Forte to knock me out and I woke up a lot along the way so that’s why I feel anything but rested today.
The fucking cock across the street is back to sawing again. The dark pickup has been there instead of the gold van so I don’t know if it’s Dahl or his son (couldn’t see that deep into the carport at this angle) but today was the second day in a row and once again I want to confront the bastard. But also once again, Tom’s paranoia has me hesitant because of the timing, so he says. He says that because he’s going to be making his own racket putting up the new fence and using the power hose, it wouldn’t be a good time to say anything.
First of all, his power tools are nowhere near as loud as that fucking saw. Second of all, the cock isn’t going to hear his tools inside his house like I can hear his in here, especially when the fence is on the other side of the house. It’s just his reluctance to complain on neighbors that he’s always had.
I do understand his concerns to a degree. I didn’t know I was going to be counter-complained on for being encouraged to come down and swear out a complaint against the loud car. Then complained on again when I “anonymously” complained. People in the West really do hate it when you complain. So it’s tough either way. It sucks having to sit back and quietly take shit, but you can’t speak out about it either without some kind of harassment for it. I mean look at Phoenix. I always thought that the pigs acted on actions and not words because that only made sense, yet they sure did make a whole lot out of nothing in the end, didn’t they?
It still blows my mind how often I hear sawing around here. Even I never would have believed it and would have laughed had someone told me that every 5-6 houses would be wielding the damn things. On just this circle alone that I know of, there was Bob who used to do that, the contractor that moved a few years ago, someone down toward Dixie’s place, someone in back that even Andy saw when he was here and out walking with us, and now this little cock. Definitely not what retirement communities were about when my parents were in them and I’d be willing to bet they never heard a single motorcycle either.
I’m not stupid. I know the 3-month temporary place isn’t going to be so temporary. We always get stuck in places for longer than we want. Always. Oh, it may not be for the eight years we’ll be here, the six years we were in Phoenix or the five years in Auburn, but I’m sure those few months will end up being at least a year. That’s why it’s really important to get the money’s worth out of the realtor we hire to try to get the quietest place possible so that when they’re sawing there as well, since this is obviously what retirement communities have come to, and they’re zooming by on motorcycles, it won’t be as noticeable as it is here.
I can’t wait to get back out into the country and put some space between us and others! I am so sick of people and the racket they make.
Our new Fitbits are on the way! His is black and mine will be what’s called pedal which is a peachy pink of sorts.
I put the silver metallic nails on, but they sucked, and I had to remove them. They were too big and thick and had creases in them. I now have green glitter strips on.
Haven’t heard from Kim in a few days and neither has Aly. She thinks she might be being temporarily ghosted for refusing to contact June for her, but I think that because I haven’t heard from her either she probably got caught. I’m sure she’ll find a way back on, though, within a week if even that.
Had this really bizarre dream where I was in my bedroom. It sort of looked like this bedroom even though it wasn’t. I sat on the floor at the far end of the room and pulled a couple of dolls off the nearby bed. I took hold of one of them and spread its legs and began to rub its crotch. I began to feel totally turned on and lay on my back. I was by the wall and the floor was cold even though it was carpeted so I knew it was cold outdoors. I became even hornier and woke up with my heart pounding as I was beginning to slide my pants down, totally turned on by this cheap plastic doll that didn’t seem much bigger than a Barbie.
Strange. Just strange.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 7, 2020 He tried all different things to fix the sink to no avail so we’re having a company come out sometime between 10 and noon and it isn’t Roto-Rooter. They claim their rates are a lot cheaper, so we’ll see. As long as they fix it right!
He got a new pipe and drain for the non-disposal side but it’s looking like we won’t have to replace the sink. Good. I would prefer not to in this place because then it’s mostly going to end up being for someone else since we’re not even going to be here for another year. Normally I’d like one big sink but the dividers are good for the pigs because then I can just shift any dishes over to one side, clean out the other side, and put the pigs in there when I’m cleaning their cage and they need a quick bath. They’re enough work as it is and again I have to trim their fucking nails. Fortunately, today isn’t a pet care day other than feeding them and stopping to pat some heads.
I’ve always preferred porcelain to stainless steel because there’s always this whitish film that builds up in stainless steel sinks that I never seem to be able to get rid of no matter what cleaning products I try. So the 37-year-old sink gets to stay for now. We would do a complete kitchen remodel if we were staying, but of course we’re not. There isn’t much that doesn’t need to be updated in this place. The roof may last for a while but other than the bathroom sinks and toilets, everything needs to be redone. The kitchen appliances and washer are new enough, but the dryer is ancient.
While Tom was working yesterday, I had the doors open. When I went to shake the duster out the front door because I had been dusting the living room, I saw movement behind the hedges and for a second I thought it was Bob. I called out hello and the guy said hello back and, “You’re Jodi, right?”
He introduced himself as Mike and I asked how his parents were doing. That’s when he told me that eight or nine days ago Bob died around 1 in the morning. :-( So the poor guy suffered through radiation for nothing.
Mike said he’s going back to his home in Southern California this weekend but that his brother and sister would be around to spend time with Virginia. He said she’s doing well but I didn’t ask if she planned to stay. I didn’t think it would be the time or my place to ask that. I’m so sorry for her and I can just imagine the immense depression she must be feeling now! :-( They’ve lived here for 32 years and have probably been married twice as long as Tom and I have. I can’t imagine how I could ever possibly go on without him but at least she has kids to help her. I hope she doesn’t leave before we do, but I guess it’s going to depend on how needy she is for help and if she can stand to stay there with all the memories and all that. She may be moved to an assisted care place or in with relatives.
Couldn’t help but remember how I said to Tom right after Bob told Tom of his diagnosis how I feared he’d be gone by August and the place on the market by Christmas. And the bad feeling that “blew through” the front door two days ago when I opened it.
His spirit? Just negative energy due to the sadness of his loss radiating from over there?
sighs Can’t I be psychic in less worthless ways than knowing the timeframe of when my neighbor is going to die? How about being able to bust through clogs, pick winning lottery numbers, and things like that?
His son trimmed and blew weeds which, like his dad, took him forever. Then I saw Bob and Virginia’s SUV parked on the street, but I don’t know if it’s been moved or is now back in the garage. Can’t imagine Virginia ever driving again. If that’s true, then I don’t see how she could stay here unless someone moves in with her. This place has a walking score of just 8. The nearest bus stop is miles away.
Can’t find the obit but I guess it’s too soon. Pretty sad that they’ll air out your dirty laundry if you break the law (or are falsely accused of doing so) for free, but your loved ones have to pay to announce your death.
Still getting hit with fatigue too much of the time, so I’m going to tweak my diet a bit and see if that helps. I’ll drink just plain water rather than flavored sparkling water for starters. Slept well last night, though, only waking up twice. Slept a long time again, too.
Replied to Kim’s 2-day-old message and have resolved to reply every two to three days. Nothing short of death will keep her offline anyway, and I don’t feel the need to totally ghost her at this time even if I should.
I guess Cam’s already making enemies training to be a CO because he refuses to be quiet about some of the guards coughing in teens’ faces. I guess he got transferred to some courthouse but he’s going along with the transfer for now so he doesn’t get fired.
I’d have been too selfish to care. Life is all about survival and looking out for ourselves. If it doesn’t affect me directly then I don’t say shit. I wouldn’t have said anything about the kids living in back had it not been for one of them having an insanely loud car.
Speaking of that, this has been the longest I’ve gone without hearing that bastard. It’s gotta be dead, in jail, or have moved.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 6, 2020 I really fucked things up big time by clogging the kitchen sink up. Tom says don’t worry about it, he’s broken things before too, etc.
But it still sucks because it’s more money and time that could go into other things.
He thought the drain opener would be the fix, but nope. Then he took apart the pipe under the sink and snaked out the clog that way. Then the pipe broke, and he was trying to seal it with a rubber spray that smells absolutely horrible even with the doors and kitchen window open. He came to suspect we may have to replace the entire sink. I’ve always preferred to have one big sink rather than two separate sides but would have liked to do this wherever we end up settling. We picked out a sink and faucet for $150, but first he’s going to try to replace the pipe and drain for just $35. It’s still going to be a lot of work. He’s definitely not happy with how huge a job it’s going to be when he had other plans, and I don’t blame him. At least if the sink does need replacing, the timing is good because they’re doing bulk pickup on the 12th. It’d be one seriously heavy MF since it’s porcelain with a cast iron bottom. The stainless steels are much lighter.
On top of that, Alexa is messed up. At least the one in the bedroom is. I have it in brief response mode yet she’s back to saying “okay” when I command her to do things. She was also having trouble reading my book. We discovered that somehow, that device got switched to the wrong account.
How the hell do these things happen?
No sign of Dahl or his van lately. Been seeing other vehicles there instead. Given how quiet it’s been there for a couple of weeks now, I wonder if something happened to him. But if it did, that doesn’t explain the absence of the van unless he got in an accident.
Yesterday I got so damn tired that I worried I had somehow become diabetic but when we tested me a couple of hours after my last meal, my blood sugar was 91. That was such a relief to know that it actually perked me up. We thought it would be around 110.
I only needed one Calms Forte to sleep last night and I slept a long time, only waking up once.
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 5, 2020 The metallic nails came yesterday. This weekend I’ll put on the silver set. If I like how it looks, I’ll wear the gold ones when I wear my teal dress with gold accents when I see Dr. A in October. Not sure that one’s going to be turned into a video appointment. If it is, I’ll wear that dress and those nails to my final ENT appointment.
I have the next few weekends picked out. Silver metallics this weekend, green glitter the next, and red solids with red stripes against white accents the next.
The kitchen sink drain is pretty clogged up so we’re hoping that when Walmart delivers groceries in a few hours along with some drain opener, it will be enough to bust through the clog.
I was tired early yesterday because I’d been tired all day. At 5:30 yesterday evening I took one Calms Forte pill, but it didn’t do me any good. At around 7, I took another one and was out by 8. I only woke up two times that I remember. Got up to pee around midnight and then I glanced at the clock at 2-something before falling back asleep. Then I got up just after 3. I have okay energy today but I’m not going out walking because my hip is still sore.
Yesterday I was thinking about how I miss having a Fitbit tracker. My old one started having problems and can’t be used so I was thinking of eventually getting a new one. I like the Versa 2. It not only tracks steps, sleep and HR, but I can also talk to Alexa as well and upload up to 300 songs. Even Tom agrees he likes Fitbit better than MorePro. Fitbit is more accurate and in real-time. I also liked being able to share my Fitbit activity with others, so when I get a new one, I’ll share the link to my Fitbit profile, though it may be a while.
I realize that reconnecting with Kim as I did a few years ago means I’m giving her a chance to potentially screw me over again like I gave the termite the chance to do that too many times, but as I said yesterday, there’s an in-between. I have no books for sale for her to mess with and I can always block her if she becomes a problem. I know she’d create fake accounts to contact me from but those would be ignored and or blocked as well.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 4, 2020 Waiting on a Hostess variety pack of cappuccino and hot cocoa K-cups with Twinkies, Snoballs & Ding Dongs flavors. Plus, caramel apple coffee K-cups.
Saw the Floyd bodycam video. Both sides are guilty without a doubt. Floyd was suspected of some crime, high on drugs, and resisting arrest. The pigs, however, have no excuse for keeping a knee on his neck for 11 minutes.
I’ve had serious asthma attacks before, and yes, you really can have enough oxygen to shout out here and there but not enough to support the body. The thug should have been thrown in jail and given his day in court. Not killed. The pigs should be charged with at least manslaughter because I can’t say that it was premeditated and that they consciously chose their end goal to be murder.
Shortly after I began my walk yesterday, I noticed what may or may not be my sciatic nerve acting up again, and where I should have shortened my walk, I did my usual half-hour mix of walking and jogging and ended up aggravating it even more. It hurt all day yesterday when I walked or when I would lie on that side. Not sure it’s my sciatic nerve, though, since Tom describes it as a pain that is not only excruciating but that doesn’t stay in one place. For me, it’s right above the hip joint only and I wouldn’t describe it as excruciating. It’s a bit painful, especially if I jump up quickly after sitting for a while but nothing that extreme. I’m taking it easy today. I’m tired anyway. Yesterday was my day to be up longer than I would have liked, and I didn’t sleep as well or as long.
We went out to Rite Aid yesterday and got some treats. Then I did more surveys on 23andMe and even took a hearing test. I followed the instructions and thought I did pretty well, yet they said my hearing was below normal. Okay, I get that I’m deaf in one ear, but the good ear has always seemed to more than make up for it.
It hit me that I don’t have to not polish my toenails in order to treat the fungus. The fungus isn’t on the nail surface, so all I have to do is put the Lamisil along the cuticles and as far under the edges of the nails as I can, and it will either work or it won’t. I put nail stickers on the big toes and regular polish on the other toes.
Just like Aly did, I got a quick text from Kim asking how I was and that we had a stick to texts for now. There really is no keeping this sicko offline, is there? It always finds a way on. I realized, however, that there really is an in-between when it comes to ghosting her vs. going back and forth with her every single day, and that’s what I started to do where I would only check in a couple of times a week. Decided to leave a voice message because I also realize that just because I’m likely to receive 10 minutes’ worth of repetitive rambling voice messages in return, that doesn’t mean I have to listen to them all. Especially when I know damn well what she’s going to say.
As I told Aly, who says she’s gotten worse with age, her June fixation really is nothing new. Remember, she obsessively stalked and harassed the shit out of me too, from something like 2010-2015, just in different ways and for different reasons. She’s sick. Plain and simple. There really isn’t any getting around that, cruel-sounding or not. This isn’t just someone with learning disabilities and memory issues. It’s someone that’s truly sick in the head. The kind that may actually kill her victims if she had the mentality, means, freedom, and the guts to do it.
As long as she never has my address, email addresses, and is never connected to me on Facebook, there’s only so much she could do if she decided to turn on me since it’s so much easier to block people online and on phones than it was a decade ago. It’s just that she could do quite a bit of damage on Facebook before I could stop her if she turned against me, and that includes involving others. I have real friends and relatives on Facebook and I certainly don’t want her reaching out to them just because she was pissed at me, not that I wouldn’t reach out to Carol in return. On any other site, I don’t care what she does.
She’s also been known to abuse email addresses by signing people up for tons of shit and this is by her own admission.
If there was any good to being funny farmed and in a couple of foster homes, it’s that it gives you great hands-on experience with learning about all kinds of crazies.
MONDAY, AUGUST 3, 2020 Luckily for me, I wasn’t up as long as I thought I would be and I’m not tired today either. My sciatic nerve was bothering me yesterday but it’s fine today, so I think I’ll go for my half-hour walk once the sun starts coming up enough to send the skunks to bed. OMG, there was a particular spot I walked by yesterday where the stench of skunk was horrible! Really, really hope they’re not such an issue in Florida.
I also saw what I’m pretty sure was a baby jackrabbit. It was so cute, and it sure ran fast when it saw me coming.
Yesterday I made a homemade smoothie with a banana, blueberries and a pinch of brown sugar, flaxseed and coconut flakes. Today’s smoothie has the same ingredients except that I replaced the blueberries with honeydew melon.
I have quite a decision to make. As of yet, I haven’t gone longer than 10 weeks of consistently taking my medication before I start to feel a little anxious. It’s been just over 6 weeks since the last time I had to cut my dose, yet labs are a total of 16 weeks away. I don’t think I can go that long without having anxiety as the shit ramps up in my system, so I’m thinking that the week before when I have 6 weeks to go, I’m going to cut doses no matter how I feel. Monday, Wednesday and Friday I’ll cut my waiting time in half. On Tuesday and Thursday, I’ll cut the pill in half. That random picture you see on Twitter if you’re following me there…that’s posted after I get up and pee, take my meds, then begin the half-hour wait until I can have my coffee.
I want my numbers to be as good as possible, so that’s what I’m going to do with my medication, and also, a few days before the lab, I’ll cut as much cholesterol out as I can. I hate to replace it with pasta and bread, but I need to have something filling even if it’ll put a pound or two on me even in just a few days. Saw they have that Impossible beef at Walmart, so I may try it even though it’s a bit expensive.
Well, that didn’t take long. Not surprisingly, Aly received a message saying, “Can we talk?” from the 860 area code which is Connecticut. It came from an internet number. I figured Kim would find a way to reach out to her soon enough. There really is no keeping her offline.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 2, 2020 I slept well and awoke with good energy. Let me guess…this means I’ll be up 18 hours or more and will be exhausted tomorrow, right?
Because it’s cheaper on the weekend, we set the main AC to 78 but I’m going to bump it back up to 80. 78 makes it too chilly in here early in the morning. When it’s set at 80, the room I spend most of my time in stays between 77-78 which is perfect for me.
I hope today is more peaceful. Yesterday was like old times and I almost wished we were locked down again. Lots of loud traffic, landscaping, and Santa’s yapping mutt that just can’t shut up whether it’s sitting outside their place or being walked.
He cleaned up and brought in the bike yesterday, so now we have the bike, the treadmill, the Bowflex and the skier. Of course I have my Pilates ring too. We have plenty of variety although my favorite is outdoor cardio. I’m going to be heading out right before the sun jumps up over the horizon. I split up my Bowflex exercises where I work my arms and core a little at a time over a 4-day period because strength training to me is just so damn boring. Tom laughed at that and said that being bored for 20 minutes is nothing compared to all day long when he was working.
Well, he’ll be working hard on installing the new fence just as soon as all the parts get here.
Our spit is now at the post office down in Los Angeles. it should be delivered to 23andMe’s lab tomorrow, but it can take about a month to get the results.
Really didn’t like the ocean nail stickers so I put one of the gradients on. Silver on one side, grayish-black on the other.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 1, 2020 And so it’s August. One more month until the hours of about 5 p.m. to 8 a.m. that are mostly peaceful get cut to 12:30 a.m. to 5:40 a.m. if the planes hold true to the schedule they’ve been on since 2018. Still hear a bunch of small planes and helicopters that can get annoying at times, but the commercials are going to make me want to scream soon enough. The sound of the freeway should be trickling back by the end of the month as well.
Why are so many people ashamed and embarrassed to grow old? All my life I’ve seen younger people tease older people about aging and I never understood why. Do they think they’re exempt from growing old someday as well? Maybe it’s just me but I’ve never been ashamed or embarrassed about getting older. Frustrated at times with the problems it often brings, but I’m otherwise proud because each year that I live is one more year I’ve survived this shitty world. So go ahead and laugh at my wrinkled hands. Laugh at my age spots. Laugh at my gray roots. Laugh at the fat rolls you call curves because it’s somehow kinder, less shameful, and politically correct, at least according to most people. In the end, I’m still alive and I’m still happy with all I’ve learned and experienced even if some of it was anything but fun.
Still nothing from Kim. I’m guessing Aly will eventually talk to her because she’s more tolerant and forgiving than I am, but I’ve decided I’m probably just gonna ghost her. She simply lies way too much. The foundation of any friendship has to be built on trust and honesty. If you don’t have that then you don’t have a friendship. Never have I or will I wake up one day and say to myself, “Hey, I want a habitual liar in my life. Yeah, dishonesty is just what I need.”
I’ve never cared for those who have no empathy unless it affects them, who feel the world owes them, and who think everyone envies them because they’re supposedly oh-so-special. Many people would envy me in some ways since I don’t have to work, have a guy like Tom, an okay amount of money, and whatever, but that doesn’t mean I think I’m special. It just means I got lucky in some ways just like I’m unlucky in others. Oh, there’s definitely nothing lucky, special, or glamorous about CRD.
Speaking of work, Tom got both good and bad news regarding the government job. The good is that they’re holding off on interviewing people in person because of the virus. He definitely would prefer not to work because he really wants to get into programming and other things, even though he’ll have to take the job if they give it to him (or any other job). It’s too soon for him to go into full retirement unless we were in a cheaper place. He may still work part-time for the next few years either way, even though he’s always hated working because the jobs require you to be at a certain place, at a certain time, and do things in certain ways. Like most people, a little more independence is preferred.
The bad news is that he was chosen for an interview. This job would be a shitload of money and just about the best benefits you could ever have. We both agreed that unless he lands a job that could really alter our lives for the better and really open up our moving options, we’re out of here next year. Seriously, it would have to be some incredibly amazing job to delay the move. Not necessarily a job that could get us a place in Hawaii but a place within walking distance of the beach in Florida or something like that. It wouldn’t surprise me if something happened to delay the move, but I also can’t see us being that lucky financially.
We agree we’re well-off enough right now and it was so funny because he was actually trying to “flunk” the video interview by giving dumb and silly answers. Some of the examples he gave me earlier had me laughing so hard I hurt his ears. Something about what software he would use in past jobs to keep track of inventory and he said, “Well, I just looked to see what was there.”
I forgot to say when I was looking up my maiden name that yes, most people with that name have been in New York. They’re all over the country, including California, but mostly New York. Pretty sure my great-grandparents entered New York which was the main port of entry back then.
Tom is going to bring in the bike stand and the old bike I used in Oregon since it’s a 24in-wheel to get more cardio that way since it’s too hot to be out for that long during the daytime. That’s why I’m going out either at night or early in the morning. He likes biking better than the treadmill. To me, the bike is boring as fuck if it isn’t outdoors.
Yesterday morning’s walk was surprisingly chilly. It was 62° yet it felt like 50. As I was passing by the RV lot, I remembered the email from Linda that Dixie forwarded to me about the problems with people climbing the fence into the lot and stealing catalytic converters and even solar panels off of one of the RVs. There are sections of the lot that can’t be seen by other houses or people driving by, so it would be easy to do.
Tom saw 2 cop cars head down the street yesterday but they were only there for a few minutes which suggests they may have come to do a wellness check because you would think it would take longer to fill out a police report if a crime had been committed.
They’ve joined the new house, and someone is definitely living with Bob and Virginia. I haven’t seen either one of them out and about on foot or in their vehicle for a few weeks now which can’t be good. I just hope we get out of here while they’re still alive!
Decided to treat my toenails with Lamisil and see what happens. My fingernails are also looking worse again but not the lifting. The discoloration, especially in the thumbs, has darkened. So the lifting needed the calcium supplements I’ve been taking, and the discoloration is probably the fungus the pharmacist told me it was and that I’ve suspected was the case. If I can get off my nail strip obsession for a while, I can go back to treating that as well because it did seem to help. Maybe after my October appointment with Doc A.
I’m not all that impressed with the ocean nail stickers because even with my nails longer, you can’t see as much of the image to know what it is. If I didn’t know any better, I may think it was some random abstract design.
Had good energy yesterday but today I’m tired. I knew I would be. Even so, I’m managing to tackle the laundry and later we’ll slave over the damn pigs.
Dixie left a message yesterday evening inviting me to come down and visit with her out front but I told her in an email that I’m off-schedule now and will let her know when I can get down to see her.
Going to pull the clothes out of the dryer now. I had to wait for them to cool down because heat melts adhesive and causes my nail strips to lift.
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I'm not the best in the world with words and this is obviously a really emotional topic, and with good reason, so I'm going to apologize in advance if this comes off the wrong way.
I just wanna be upfront that I'm not concern trolling or trying to pull any bothsides-isms or trying to dimish any tragedies and I'm coming from a place of genuine sincerity and concern.
But some of the pro-Palestine posts you've been sharing worry me. A fair number of them contain false or debunked information.
It's important to double check claims and to have a healthy amount of skepticism regarding reports from any party involved.
Israel is carrying out a genocide, absolutely.
But it's worth remembering Hamas is an overtly antisemitic organization who would do the same if given the opportunity. Their leadership isn't even based in Palestine snd they have every reason to lie or inflate claims about Israeli activity and have put significant effort into attempting to convert anti-zionism with antisemitism and create dog whistles.
That's ultimately what adds another layer of tragedy to the entire event. Israel is even significantly responsible for Hamas' rise to power but that's a history topic unfit for a small ask like this.
Just be careful and keep a cool head and scrutinize everything you read.
I've been following you for a long time and I'd hate to see you accidentally fall into a propaganda pit.
Hey (sorry idk how old this is cause I never look in here) thanks for the concern! If I'm being real I have 2 responses to this:
You're absolutely correct. Hamas as an org is awful as we all know. I definitely fall trap to the uh, issue where we're so inundated with info and opinions and through being on sites like this and pinterest through the years I got kinda conditioned to just reblogging. Typically if I reblog something it's cause there's some grain of truth strain that I see worth sharing at least - I don't agree with every word in every post and I'm too tired to take the time to specify in the tags of every post which parts are worth sharing. That's probably a character flaw on my part.
In the other hand, I do think it's important to understand that to many Palestinian people, they could see Hamas as the only group bothering to do literally any fighting for them. This comes with two points: A - how do we expect Palestinians to reject the only people they see actively fighting for them? and B - Hamas almost certainly counts on this. I think they saw an opportunity to get power in a nation where people don't have any and propped themselves up as the hero - and to many, they now might very well be. That keeps people from looking too hard at the ugly side. I am aware of this. (note because people on this site do not know how to read in good faith: I am not saying all Palestinians like Hamas or view them as heroes, I do not view a nation of people as unilaterally the same as their government. Common sense disclaimer) While I want to support the only group bothering to physically "defend" Palestinians, I also know that they are vile at the core of their ideology. So please rest assured I am not trying to just blindly support a hate group with no understanding and no limitations of support. I don't support Hamas - I support the Palestinian resistance.
Thank you again legitimately for the reach out. It's good to talk to other people instead of just posts on here.
#anyways#yeah i like never get asks lol#thanks for reaching out anon i forgot i have followers at all#anyways if you spot something that bothers you you can dm me
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Hmm…with the update Welcome Home got, it’s got me thinking.
Thoughts are under the cut (for those who haven’t seen everything yet) (warning! long post!!!)
This kinda goes into theory/headcanon-ish territory, mostly because it’s just me trying to make sense of everything.
What if this is kinda like Bendy and the Ink Machine? The creators wanted their show to be the bestest and absolutely the most it could be, so why not use some dark tricks to bring the characters to life, hm?
Wally is the most aware out of everyone, we all know this. Maybe the reason the show disappeared was because Wally saw something or learned something he shouldn’t have (if we go along with the BATIM-inspired idea) about how he and his friends were created.
Wally knew something was wrong and I suppose to hopefully save everyone in the moment, caused something to happen for the show to be pulled. Maybe it has something to do with all the strange black goop that’s gotten everywhere.
Later, the restoration project is made, and Wally is found once again. He does everything in his power to get a message across, to be heard. He wasn’t heard during when the show was airing, so this is his chance now to expose what actually happened. Maybe he’s purposely trapping the restoration team into documenting everything, hence the whole “picking up the phone” & “opening the envelope” thing. His message must be heard through any and all means necessary, even if that means “cursing” some people to continue with the restoration project.
But just as much as Wally is watching us—something is watching him too.
He has to lay low, hide pieces of his message in the hopes someone who is clever enough will find it all, help broadcast his voice. Hiding secret pages, messages in image file names, even an alternate version of the site itself with pictures (possibly that Wally himself took?) to show a snippet of what���s going on.
I don’t think Wally is evil, just desperate. And though he can be a little unsettling at times, he means well.
Then again, I kinda subscribe to the idea that the puppets themselves are alive and sentient, and it has something to do with that black goop that can be seen sometimes. To me, that idea just makes sense.
Though, again it seems like Wally has some kind of message. Something was going on behind the scenes during the show, and Wally knew…something was wrong, maybe.
Plus, the idea of a lil guy, a lil puppet guy being alive and sentient through dark means is a fun idea to me. That lil puppet guy knowing that something or everything is wrong and fake and this cannot go on anymore so everything must fall. That lil puppet guy being alone for who knows how long, waiting for someone to listen to his message and warnings, find the clue he’s laying out. I find that idea very fun!!
Plus-plus, Home has always been hella sus to me, so that’s something.
Ah, I’m rambling, ehe. I love Welcome Home, and all the new theories the update provides us Neighbors with. Still, I think Wally and Co. were brought to life by dark means, Wally saw or learned something forbidden and cursed, did something to cause the show to fall, then just waited for a chance to be heard about the dark goings-on behind the scenes, though his methods are…questionable, to say the least.
I wish you all the highest karma,
-Saint
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hello, stranger! don't know if you were expecting a response but i am extremely nerdy and love any excuse to write long posts on the internet about media i enjoy. so here is my informal-style thesis defense that i am also doubling as a general defense for other "recontextualization" style analyses of homestuck on this site.
1. "the early parts of homestuck are meant to be taken less seriously, so analyzing it seriously is kind of silly."
yes. fan interaction was a major driving factor for homestuck early on, and that fan interaction was encouraged to be silly! but part of how homestuck is written (due to its very nature as a serially published webcomic, and also the shift over from fan submission to complete authorial control) is that earlier events or elements in the comic are recontextualized in the story to later expand into what is often more serious worldbuilding or interpretation. that's kind of the fun of making any serially published work, in my opinion - starting with some random bullshit, basically, and then seeing what you can make out of it. so even something that wasn't "meant" by the author at the time can evolve into something that is "meant" in later parts of the story. this also includes things the author didn't wish to intend: i.e. why we have things like the retcon arc and the game over timeline.
2. "yes, but does homestuck expect and/or encourage this recontextualization to apply to bro strider and dave?"
i'd say the discussion between dave and dirk on top of the tower is a pretty good example. but also, the development of alpha!dirk's character and his grapples with his "splinter" selves, as well as the reveal of "lil cal" as some demonic superentity sent back through paradox time-space support this interpretation of bro strider being an abusive parent by making it canonically part of a larger plot and some intensive character exploration. and obviously in post-canon there's the return of ultimate!dirk's controlling/manipulative tendencies in the epilogues, and also both dave and dirk's routes in pesterquest, but some people may dispute those as being "canonic" enough. but i would say that current homestuck encourages this interpretation.
3. "even if recontextualizing is valid, there was absolutely no basis for bro strider to be abusive when he was written at the time."
i'd say there was some pretty solid evidence, even as early on as act 3. even if it is just being played off as silly and goofy, john and rose do note that bro acts in an unnatural way for a guardian figure, and expresses that to dave. dave dismisses this when they bring it up, but it is juxtaposed with the further revealing of the strider apartment. for example, there IS no food kept in the kitchen, and any there is dave has to hide in his room. not to mention the saw puppet traps. the puppet porn. etc everything i mentioned above. and you see dave reacting to these things, almost wanting to admit that it's kind of weird, but also not wanting to think about it too hard. it's basically treated in dark humor - "oh boy well we're so glad this is just a silly webcomic otherwise we'd probably have to start getting worried at some point!" so i think it was at least AWARE of that angle, and it's pretty valid for some people to say, "hey wait."
4. "if we're going to be taking the bro strider abuse allegations seriously, then why aren't rose and john taken seriously either? why don't you talk about rose and john's unhealthy relationship with their parents since they also enter strifes with them?"
i already do (at least with rose, because i like analyzing the strilondes especially). but i suspect this was a question directed at the larger fandom in particular.
first, i'd say that the striders are more talked about as there is more canonic discussion of their unhealthy relationship near the end of homestuck (so recency bias). rose and roxy seem to be glad to meet each other, and john reacts with joy upon seeing jane's dad, who he initially interprets as his father. meanwhile dave and dirk are *very* awkward in their initial greeting, and then the tower discussion happens (which is the LAST conversation either of those two characters partake in, mind you).
the striders are admittedly also extremely popular characters in homestuck (yes, and that's in comparison to rose and john) so you're going to see more indepth fan discussion of them that will be reblogged by a lot more people sometimes. that's not really anybody's fault.
additionally, john and rose's strifes compared to dave's strife, doesn't have their guardians physically hurting them. john's dad throws a pie at him. one of those whipped cream pies. the type you use for a prank. rose's mom offers her some random gifts like a pony, and tries to drunkenly pass off a vodka martini to her, which yes is obviously pretty bad and a different form of child neglect which i again, do also talk about in other posts (and also comes up later in homestuck as a Real thing rose has to struggle with). but they come out of it unharmed, if not just annoyed. in dave's, we see his bro actually hurting him, and when he comes out of the battle, he's literally lying on the ground paralyzed because he just got thrown down a flight of stairs. so i think it's fair to say there's a pretty clear distinction here.
IN CONCLUSION: Reinterpreting homestuck in ways the author might not have originally intended is part of the fun of fandom. This specific recontextualization is considered and taken seriously by the text both early-on and late game, which gives me some canonic basis. People should talk more about Rose and her relationship with her mom. I love talking about Homestuck and I should probably touch grass.
i think that when rose figured out dave's brother is actually his father she would've been TORMENTED with wanting to know why he raised dave as a brother and not a son. that had to itch at her brain every day she was on that meteor. rose lalonde lying wide awake at night thinking "why did he do that. what was the reason specifically" can you imagine the first chance she gets to speak with dirk when they're not all high on the adrenaline of creating the universe she'd corner him like "I have some questions. pertaining to your views on fatherhood 👁️ 👁️"
#homestuck#dave strider#bro strider#rose lalonde#john egbert#child abuse#child neglect#suicidal mention#bottlehawk text#all i do is write long essays on tumblr dot com#but hey i actually broke it up into points this time! lmao#can you derail a post like five different times? i dont care my hands are speedy and i love to blab
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Reparations (Dean Winchester)
Summary: Dean forgets something important and has to find a way to make it up to you.
Pairing: Dean Winchester x female!reader
Word Count: 3871
Warnings: tooth-rotting fluff, slight relationship angst, non-hunter-but-aware-reader, romance, more fluff, smut
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PLEASE DO NOT REPOST OR REDISTRIBUTE MY WORK IN ANY FORM ON ANY SITE. 18+ CONTENT BELOW THE CUT (MINORS DNI)
Dean threw his duffel bag on the bed unceremoniously, ignoring Sam’s chatter as he stomped to the bathroom. Once in there, he splashed some water on his face, leaning on the edge of the grimy sink and staring into the slightly blurry mirror as the liquid dripped off of his jaw. It had been a long drive, and he wasn’t all that happy to be spending the entire week away from you. You’d been gracious about it, like you were with every case that came along, choosing to remain at the bunker as you weren’t, and didn’t want to be, a hunter. Mostly, you kept to the sidelines, occasionally drawing a devil’s trap or researching if required but the hands-on work was left to the boys. You existed in their lives as Dean’s girlfriend, his comfort, the small slice of normality in his weird existence, and Sam’s best friend, as well as someone to keep the home fires burning while they were off saving people and hunting things.
Popping his head through the open bathroom door, Sam appeared in the mirror’s reflection and Dean straightened as he saw him, grabbing for a towel to dry his face.
"Dude. You okay?"
"Yeah,” Dean grunted, patting the towel against his throat. “Just wanna get this hunt over with and get home."
"You seem a little -" At his brother’s warning look, Sam shut up, clearing his throat and motioning to the papers he’d gathered on the table. "Nevermind. Wanna go through what we got, nail our vics down?" The older Winchester nodded as he tossed the towel across the sink and stepped out of the small bathroom. "So, we’ve got six victims. All male, all in their thirties, all missing livers, kidneys -"
Dean interrupted, squinting at the date on the local broadsheet. "Is this today’s paper?"
Sam glanced at it and nodded. "Yeah, why?"
Groaning, Dean slumped down onto the end of one bed, scrubbing a hand over his face. "I knew she was being off."
"Who?" Sam asked, his brow furrowing in confusion.
"Y/N." Dean dropped his head into his palms, shaking it lightly. "She was acting funny. Like, she didn’t mind us going away, but she was dropping hints and I’m such a freaking idiot, I completely messed up!"
"Dean, I literally have no idea what you’re talking about."
"It’s her birthday,” Dean sighed, resting his hands onto his knees as he squared his shoulders. “And I forgot. Worst boyfriend ever. I can’t do anything right."
"Why don’t you call her?" Sam slung an arm over the back of his chair, twisting slightly to watch his brother get to his feet and begin a slow pace around the room. Dean growled in frustration.
"And say what? “Hey honey, sorry I forgot your birthday. I’ll bring you home some entrails!”. I can’t make this up to her, Sammy! I forgot her friggin’ birthday!"
"To be fair, you guys have only been dating, what? Six months? And you’re not great with dates."
"That doesn’t excuse it," Dean grunted, slumping down onto the edge of the bed again. "I don’t know what I can do to make it up to her."
The room descended into silence, and Sam chewed his lip thoughtfully as he looked back over the papers. Dean picked at his nails, and his brother knew that internally, Dean would be punishing himself for a long, long time for this. But Sam knew that with the right apology, you’d forget it. After all, you loved Dean. There wasn’t anything you wouldn’t do for him, and you knew more than most how forgetful the elder Winchester could be when he was stressed.
"Look, we’ve got a week. How about we get the case done, and then we plan something that’ll make Y/N completely forget that you forgot her birthday?"
Dean looked up at Sam, chewing the inside of his cheek, slowly nodding along though his brother could see the cogs turning in his head. “You know… I think I got an idea.”
Usually, you parked your little compact outside the bunker, but today it was raining heavily and you didn’t really anticipate any thrill in a dash to the door without getting wet, plus you had several bags of groceries that you did not want to juggle through puddles. Parking in the garage was the obvious option, though it took a hot second to remember the code for the door.
The lights were already on as you pulled in, which wasn’t anything unusual, and as you parked up, your phone buzzed in your pocket. It was a text from Dean that made you smile as you read it, even though it was only a simple “b back soon x”.
Okay, so maybe another person would be irritated by the fact that he had forgotten their birthday, though he’d realized it soon after he left for the hunt and had promised to make it up to you in a somewhat steamy phone call made from a gas station two hundred miles away. You didn’t know what he had in mind but you supposed you’d find out soon, and you had to admit, you’d really missed him after nearly a week alone in the huge cavernous building of theirs.
It was easy for you to forgive his slight forgetfulness or the fact that he couldn’t get his socks in the laundry bin. Dean was a hero - Sam too - and you respected that their lives weren’t like other folks. You’d seen the blood and gore, the fallout from bad hunts, and you took pride that you were the sliver of normality that kept at least Dean going. Stress levels were unusually high with their almost-thankless line of work; you weren’t about to stress him out even more because he’d missed a fairly insignificant day that came around every year.
Locking the car, you struggled up the steps with your arms full of groceries, shouldering the door open and leaving the lights on for when the Winchesters returned. Your first stop was the kitchen but as you headed down the corridor and into the library, you noticed the lights were all on, which was not how you’d left them. You frowned, hearing the soft hum of music floating through the halls.
Concern had you depositing the groceries on the library table, and you quickly located the pistol hidden in a fake book on one of the shelves, checking it for bullets and finding it full. You knew how to handle a weapon, thanks to your grandfather, and Dean’s more recent coaching, but that didn’t stop nerves settling in your belly as you followed the sound of the music out of the library.
The music became clearer as you got closer and closer, discovering the source was the kitchen, and the song was something old that you didn’t know the name of. It struck you as odd that someone would break in and play classic rock while they… cooked? You sniffed, picking up hints of garlic and tomato in the air.
“You say it’s urgent, so urgent,” came a familiar and slightly off-key voice. “So oh, oh, urgent, just wait and see -”
His voice grew muffled and your curiosity couldn’t be held in check any longer. You slid into the kitchen doorway, taking note of the candles everywhere, the table set up with a ratty old check cloth and cutlery. Lowering the gun, your gaze moved to Dean’s pert ass where he was bending over the stove, humming along with the song as he tasted whatever he was cooking.
“Perfect.”
“Dean?”
He spun on the spot, bright green eyes wide as he saw you in the doorway, and it was only his quick reflexes that stopped the tray in his hands from flying out of his grasp. “Y/N! I wasn’t expecting you back just yet.”
Strolling forward, you carefully place the gun on the countertop with a sheepish grin. “I wasn’t expecting you back at all,” you commented with a smile, taking in the tight blue button down that outlined his frame, hugging him in all the right places. “What is all this?”
Dean grinned, placing the tray on top of the stove. “Happy birthday,” he said, gesturing to the ready-to-serve spaghetti on the stove.
Your smile widened. “You didn’t have to make me dinner, Dean.”
“I wanted to,” he insisted, shrugging lightly. “I felt really crappy about missing your birthday.”
You approached, stopping just in front of him to reach up and touch his face, pushing up on tiptoes to kiss him softly. “You’re a big ball of goo,” you teased, lowering yourself slowly. “I feel under-dressed.”
“You look perfect,” he promised, leaning in to kiss you again. “Now, why don’t you take a seat while I serve? There’s something on the table for you.”
Curiosity peaked, you let him swat you away playfully, moving towards the table to take a seat. At the spot you assumed was reserved for you was a box, wrapped delicately in sparkly wrapping paper. “What is it?” you asked, glancing over to where he was plating up the food. It smelled good, good enough that your mouth began to water, and you suddenly remembered the groceries. “Oh, shoot, I left the groceries in the library -” You started to move but Dean shook his head.
“I’ll get it. You open your present.”
He darted off and you frowned, before shrugging and tearing at the paper, revealing a familiar white box underneath. Your frown deepened at the labeling, trying to imagine Dean being anywhere near a Build-A-Bear store, struggling to picture him lining up among giggling children, smirking at the amusing image. As you got the box open, he returned with the groceries, quickly moving to put them away.
“Oh my god,” you whispered, gaze landing on the fluffy little tan bear in the box, neatly dressed in a black t-shirt, jeans, and a plaid flannel. “Oh, god, Dean! It’s so fluffy, I’m gonna die!”
Dean chuckled as he shoved a box of donuts to the back of the refrigerator. “I figured if I had to go away for another week, you’ll have someone to keep you company.”
“That’s so lame and adorable,” you giggled, hauling the bear from the box. “You made a bear of you.” You hugged the tiny Dean-bear close, feeling a slight sting of happy tears in the corners of your eyes. “I can’t believe you went to a Build-A-Bear.”
“Anything for you,” he threw out, accompanying it with a corny smile. “I even picked up a bottle of your favorite wine.”
“Made Sam go with ya, huh?”
“Not my fault you don’t like whiskey.”
You laughed again, still hugging the bear as he served dinner. When he approached the table with the loaded plates, you removed the box and settled the bear on the unused part of the cloth, resting him against the condiment basket.
“Okay, we have spaghetti bolognese with cheddar, not parmesan, because -”
“Real cheese, please,” you giggled.
Dean grinned, placing your plate in front of you and you inhaled deeply. “There’s pie for dessert,” he added, sliding onto his stool.
“It smells wonderful,” you moaned, picking up your fork.
“Wine?” Dean offered, grabbing the chilled bottle from the bucket beside him. You smiled and nodded, waiting for him to pour a generous amount into your glass. “Sam’s gonna come back tomorrow. He figured we could use some alone time.”
“You really pulled out all the stops, huh?”
“Well,” he drawled, pouring his own glass of wine, “to tell you the truth, I was terrified I’d get back here and you’d be gone. I mean,” he cleared his throat, avoiding your gaze nervously, “I wouldn’t have blamed you.”
“It was a birthday,” you dismissed softly. “I have one every year. And I wouldn’t walk away over something like that.”
“And on some level, I knew that, but I also felt like a dick anyway.”
You scooped up some spaghetti onto your fork, taking a bite and moaning. “Oh, god, this is good. Did you put bacon in it?”
“Hell, yeah,” he laughed. “I’m glad you like it. I wanted to do something special to make up for it. And I thought that a meal would be nice. Me and Sam talked about it and he suggested a nice restaurant and all that, but I remembered that you don’t like public food places much because you don’t like eating in public. And you don’t like doing that whole..." He waved a hand dismissively. "Outside social things. Which I’m cool with. Not a fan of it either." You smiled again, taking another bite as he kept talking. "So, I decided that a night with just you and me, your favorite meal, some nice wine, maybe a movie..."
"It’s perfect," you whispered, smiling at him, looking down at your meal bashfully. No one, let alone Dean, had ever done anything so sweet for you. "Thank you."
He blushed and ducked his head. "Well, eat up before it gets cold." A panicked expression crossed his face as the music changed to Guns-N-Roses and he looked up to the stereo, then back to you. "Do you want me to change the music? This is an old mix tape that might end up with some Metallica on it."
"No. I like this song. Besides, whoever said rock wasn’t romantic has clearly never heard Bad Company."
Dean smirked and the both of you fell into a comfortable silence as you ate, the soft tones of rock drifting through the bunker to accompany the meal, and you wondered how on earth you’d gotten so lucky.
"I enjoyed that," Dean said, stretching dramatically as you remained curled into his side on the large bed. The TV was rolling the credits for the movie you’d just watched, and to be honest, you’d been so comfy and sated and full of delicious food and wine, that you hadn’t paid attention to most of it. You knew it had been about some kind of spy ring and there was a famous guy in it but you couldn’t remember his name. Either way, just being curled up and dozy on Dean’s chest was wonderful, and you were about ready to fall asleep.
"You okay?" he asked, nudging you gently; you nodded, making a contented noise in your throat as you snuggled closer to him. Dean chuckled, his hand coming up to brush down the side of your face, the touch of his skin on yours leaving a tingling in its wake.
"Tonight was really perfect, Dean, I mean it."
Your words were quiet but sincere, and he smiled softly. Of course you were worried - Dean had a natural tendency to think what he had done wasn’t enough, and you were keen to reassure him that right now, at this moment, you couldn’t be any happier. "No one’s ever done anything so…nice for me."
"Well, I guess romance ain’t dead after all,” he drawled, smirking at you in the cocky way only he could manage. Drawn in, you craned your neck, kissing him softly, smiling against his mouth when he intensified the caress. His arm came up around you, fingers toying with the strap of your bra. "At least we’re already in the bedroom, huh sweetheart?"
"That is definitely a good thing," you replied, pushing him onto his back. He opened his mouth to protest, but you shushed him with your index finger and slung one leg over him to straddle his hips. "Uh-uh. You did the dinner, and the movie, and made up for my birthday. Now, it’s time for me to say thank you."
Dean’s face split into a filthy smirk, and he raised one eyebrow. "Oh yeah? And how are you planning to do that, Y/N?"
You grinned right back at him, your fingers deftly undoing the buttons on his shirt, flinging it open with a bit of dramatic flare. "Hold still, and you’ll find out." You leaned down, pressing a swift, closed mouth kiss to his lips before you darted your tongue out, licking a path down over his chin, feeling the rough stubble underneath your touch. Dean groaned, his arousal making itself known where you straddled him, his hips thrusting up towards you, pressing against your already hot center. You paused in your action, looking up at him with a reprimanded glare. "I said hold still."
He chuckled, and you felt his Adam’s apple bob against your cheek. In response to his laughter, you nipped at his neck with blunt teeth, making him hiss, smiling up at him mischievously when you moved your attention to his left nipple. Sticking out your tongue once more, you swirled your tongue around it, sucking lightly at the skin. Little moans came from his mouth at the sensation of your mouth on his sensitive skin, and you reached up with your hand, tweaking his right nipple gently as you laved attention on the left.
"Fuck..." Dean cursed, his body trembling with the effort it took not to flip you over and take control. He hated being the bottom but for once, you were taking charge. Luckily, you didn’t do this all the time - Dean Winchester was a man who knew what he wanted and knew how to give you what you wanted, so most of the time he took the lead. Right at that moment, you were in control, and you were going to make him whimper like he did to you.
You abandoned his nipples, sucking and nipping a trail down over his stomach. He flinched a little as you dipped your tongue into his belly button, and you smiled against his skin, knowing he was at least a little ticklish there. With shaking fingers, you unbuttoned his pants, pulling them down to expose the very top of his pelvic area, eyeing the delicious v-line that sloped down into the depths of the denim. Placing a soft kiss to the skin there made him groan loudly, and you pulled his pants down further, allowing his cock the room to spring free. As you sat back, pulling his pants all the way down, leaving him only wearing his unbuttoned shirt, you surveyed him like you’d earlier salivated over his cooking.
Dean was covered in scars. Bullet wounds, knife marks, scratch marks - there wasn’t much of him that didn’t have evidence of the life he’d led, but it didn’t take away from the sheer beauty of him; if anything, it added to his gorgeousness. Without thinking, you reached out and trailed a finger over his thigh, where a long scar stretched from his knee almost up into his groin. That was the mark of a Wendigo - you remembered sewing him up, shortly after you’d met him.
As if he realized what you were doing, Dean propped himself up onto his elbows, looking down at the scar. "Yeah. That was a bad one. You did a good job with the stitches though." He caught your wrist with his. "What’s wrong?" You looked up, meeting his green eyes with a smile.
"Just realized something." He waited for the answer and your eyes felt the sting of tears. "You did all this for my birthday, when all I want, all I ever want," you leaned forward, "is for you to come home safe and in one piece." His face became serious for a moment and you crawled over him, pressing your lips to his. "I love you, Dean Winchester."
He pulled you closer without missing a beat, kissing you furiously for a few seconds before pulling away panting. “I need you,” he whispered, sliding one hand down to your hip before suddenly flipping you onto your back.
Your shirt came off, along with his, and you quickly found yourself disrobed of your pants, unable to think straight as he peppered kisses on any patch of skin that was revealed to him, finally returning to your mouth when he finally had you nude underneath him. His cock prodded your entrance impatiently, and Dean thrust his hips gently, leaning on his elbows to look down at you.
"As much as I would love to have you continue with whatever you were building to, I need to be inside you right now."
“Uh-huh,” you managed, sucking in a breath as Dean pulled back a touch to guide himself into you, watching your expression dissolve as he filled you inch by inch.
It was urgent and desperate love making, unlike how you usually went about it. Maybe it was the time apart, which seemed to be increasing lately, or the wistful remarks. The thought of you losing him and him losing you was one that forever plagued the both of you but here, now, moving with him, feeling him pushing you to the edge, his grunts echoing in your ear as his fingers gripped your hips with a bruising intensity, you felt like this would last forever.
"Dean -" you gasped, as your climax surged through you, your head falling backwards as his hands moved from your hips round to hold your lower back. Shifting, he pulled you up until you were straddling his lap, his strong arms holding you fast as you swam through the bliss he’d instilled in you, thrusting harder and harder until your ass was slapping against his thighs with an audible echo. He was kneeling now, holding you like a ragdoll as you tried to control yourself, clinging to his shoulders desperately and crying out at each stroke.
When you’d regained your senses, you found his lips again, thrusting your tongue against his as you started to push up with your calves, riding him as hard as he was fucking you. The room was awash with the scent of sex, the sounds of your skin meeting, both of you drenched in sweat as you felt the slight burn of the friction between you. But the pain was fleeting, and all that came back to you was the feeling of him splitting you apart, down the middle, his urgency spilling over into you. The need to feel some sort of life before it was too late.
"Baby, I’m gonna cum," Dean groaned, clutching at you desperately. You nodded, gasping for breath, and unable to respond verbally as you started to come undone again. His cock swelled and pulsed and with an almost primal sounding roar, he spilled himself into you, holding you tightly as he finished, bringing you along with him.
You remained locked together, your legs straddling his, his cock remaining stubbornly hard in the wake of his orgasm, the thickness still filling you. His hands stroked your back lovingly as yours clasped his face, kissing him softly. There was no need to speak. Both of you knew where you were, and there wasn’t any need to clarify it. Without any sound, Dean lifted you away, before gathering you back into his arms as he lay on the bed. The TV was playing ads for Netflix as he pulled the sheets over you both.
Laying there in his arms, you smiled, feeling safe, content and loved. Maybe he’d never say it, but as he’d pointed out, romance definitely wasn’t dead.
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