#someone mentioned the cones getting names so here you go

[swordy-da-goat]

[thesummerpetrichor]

𝓥𝓲𝓭𝓮𝓸 𝓰𝓪𝓶𝓮𝓼

Dads best friend!Javier Peña x afab!reader

Summary: For years he’d lived in your head like a distant memory. Something too good, too far away to attain. You shouldn’t be so hurt he’d left his old life behind, but how could you not be, when you had been such a big part of it? But you can’t hold a grudge. Not when he’s standing in front of you– doing everything to prove he’s not a stranger.

Warnings: 18+ minors DNI you will be blocked. Mentions of DEA, dads best friend trope, morally questionable relationship, minor angst, chunky age gap [reader is in her 20s Javi is in his 40s], banter, lotsa sweet moments, explicit language, explicit sexual content, couch sex, inebriated sex, cigarette and weed smoking, alcohol, dom!javi, sub!reader, pet names [cariño, baby, babygirl etc.], dirty talk, major praise kink! [lotsa good girl action iykwim] some over the clothes action, grinding, fingering, unprotected P in V [ do better!!]. Let me know if I missed anything!! <;3

Word count: 12.8k oops

A/N: Oof this took longer than I thought it would but I’m so excited for you to read it. Javier is the man of my dreams here 🥺. lotsa porn for you nasties. morally questionable relationship fr but it’s fiction so we’ll forgive Javi. I hope you darlings enjoy! Mwah 💗

Masterlist

Swinging in the backyard

Pull up in your fast car

Whistling my name

Open up a beer

And you say, "Get over here

And play a video game"

The last time you saw him you remember all but tackling him to the ground as he walked through your front door. He had bought you a special edition copy of your favourite Hans Christian Anderson fairy tale, and DVDs of ‘film noir’ movies– the kind your dad didn’t like you watching. You spent the days reading as he smoked cigars by your pool, and you remember your father joking about his ‘bad influence’ as he poured you drinks in the evenings. 

That was several years ago, and now all you had left of him was a hazy memory of that distant summer, a fading image of his golden eyes glittering in the setting sun, and your copy of “The Little Mermaid”. That had been the last that he’d visited you– before his work got in the way, before he decided he’d rather stay in Bogotá than come home. 

Your life had gone on, and while every year you wondered whether he’d make his grand appearance, as you grew older you came to terms with the realisation that it would just be you and your old man lounging on the patio on those treasured, warm, golden evenings. At university you were pursuing those dreams you always wanted to, the ones your father wasn’t so keen on you chasing, the ones you’d confess to him when he would drive you around the city–  to that faraway ice cream place no one else would take you to. 

He was all cigarettes and whiskey and secret promises.

“He’ll literally kill us, it's midnight.” It was too late, he was grabbing his keys and jacket, and despite your better judgement the thought of the fairy lights by the beach as you walked with your mint chocolate chip cones had you giggling as you followed him out the door. It was your 18th birthday. “He doesn’t need to know now, does he, cariño?” 

He’d telephone your father once in a while, you knew because your house would fill with laughter only invoked by one culprit. You wondered what adventures he was on, were they like the ones he’d tell you as you sat by his side till the early hours of the morning? You wondered if he even remembered– remembered you. 

But now you were in Bogotá, in the sweltering June heat, suitcase in hand, scanning the crowd for a face you barely remembered. You were scared, stupidly so, worried that your physical proximity would do nothing to mend his distance. You worried he wouldn't see you as he did before, wouldn't remember your inside jokes, your mischief, how you’d beg him to take you to that dance bar because your dad didn’t like you going alone. That he had somehow morphed into someone you couldn't recognize. You felt hot all over once again, and this time no thanks to the summer sun. 

Your head turned left to right, and you spotted among the crowd families reuniting, couples kissing hello, young people returning home, lone travellers, lonely travellers, and in the hustle bustle a black leather jacket walking briskly towards you. He looked older, and tired, but his eyes still sparkled the way you remembered, still turned golden when they met the sun. From the distance he spotted you, and you watched expectantly as his furrowed brows relaxed into a calm, almost surprised expression. You felt a little short of breath, felt suddenly larger than life, as he neared you, your mind spinning and hoping, praying that he was still the man you knew. 

“What have you done with my cariño?” 

He was looking down at you with that same smile. Everything about him was really the same. He still smelt like tobacco and cedarwood perfume, still wore the same leather jacket, the same faded, button up shirt– with the first two buttons undone. In a moment you felt your mind's eye reconstruct those waning images of him you once cherished, from the dells of memory. And now you saw him vividly, reclining in his chair, sipping his whiskey, leaning on your porch, hair falling in his face in soft curls as he lit his cigarette. 

He was a lot more handsome than you recalled. 

“Hi” You were smiling so wide your face hurt, and despite the years of his absence there was a familiarity you found comfort in, a sense of belonging, and maybe naively… longing. His hands moved to grab you by the shoulders, and he stepped back to get a good look at you, almost examining how time had passed. “Lookat’ ya, university girl now huh, smart cookie?” The way he looked at you had your heart pitter pattering– with so much pride, and gentleness, and adoration. 

Without any hesitation he pulled you into his chest, wrapping you up in his arms, holding your head against him. Waves of calm washed over you, an immediate reassurance you were desperate for. It was his non reluctance, his lack of worry, the way he brought you into his arms like nothing else mattered.  With a heavy sigh you collapsed into him, all the uneasiness you felt before melting away as you melted into his touch. He felt warm, and strong, and like you’d remembered. 

He was everything you’d remembered. 

You felt yourself relax. It had been a long day, a long time getting away from your father, who, despite the fact that you had been living alone for years now, had called you about a thousand times – reminding you to take all your things, to be careful, and importantly to not get into any trouble. 

If there was one thing everyone knew about Javier, it was that he was trouble, trouble, trouble. 

He was still smiling when he gently pulled away, still looking at you with the same enthusiasm. He was happy to see you. He chuckled as he let go of your shoulders, and you felt your chest swarm with butterflies when he grabbed you by the hand and twirled you around, and in typical Javier fashion produced a white lily from his shirt pocket, and tucked it behind your ear. 

“Welcome to Bogotá cariño” 

You felt your cheeks heat. For as long as you could remember you pretty much idolised him, and the longer you didn’t see him the more distant and adored he had become.  You had worked that distant memory up so much, the memory of that fateful summer, that he’d come to be a symbol of fear and dread in your head. At least until that moment.

You felt silly for ever thinking he’d be different. And there he was, standing right in front of you, putting flowers behind your ear. You mumbled a soft thank you, securing the lily, which was inadvertently an excuse not to meet his overwhelming gaze. 

“Your old man give you a hard time on the way up?”  

You laughed as you rolled your eyes. If there was one person who knew how much of a stickler for organisation and responsibility your father was, it was him. “He gave me an entire list of things to not do”. Javier’s deep baritone joined your laughter, and he shook his head in faux irritation at the mention of his best friend. 

Reaching down for your bags he leaned beside your ear, and you felt your heart race when you turned your head ever so slightly to meet his gaze– at that glimmer in his eyes, his mischievous smile, and raised brow. 

“Well, he’s no fun now, is he?” 

And with that he was heading towards the exit. 

—

I'm in his favourite sundress

Watchin' me get undressed

Take that body downtown

I say, "You the bestest"

Lean in for a big kiss

Put his favourite perfume on

Go play your video game

“He says I'm like you, y’know?” You leaned your elbow on the open window, knees to your chest as you sat curled up in the passenger seat of his car. His eyes were on the road, but his attention remained on you, and you were instantaneously reminded of your trips to the pier, your mint chocolate chip ice creams, and innocent secrets. 

You felt warm and fuzzy inside, and your eyes wandered the beautiful Colombian city –the colours, and the smell of summer flowers, and food as it wafted out of the mom and pop restaurants you passed. 

“Yeah, you a troublemaker?” He glanced at you momentarily, just in time to catch you rolling your eyes. “”M not, but he thinks Dora’s wreckless for wandering around without her parents.`` His laugh was hearty and he had that smile, that tilt of his head you were sure had all the women around him swooning. You felt your cheeks heat at the thought, especially when he chided you. “Cariño” he dragged out every syllable of that treasured pet name, shaking his head, and raising his brows in your direction, teasingly. “Okay.. maybe I like to have a little fun, but I’m still not like you.” 

Letting out an exaggerated gasp his head whipped towards you. “Fuck’s that supposed to mean?!” Your head was buzzing, he's still the same, the same. 

“I’m good.” He rounded the corner, and you couldn’t help but wonder who else had been in the passenger side of his car, getting this view you so cherished. You didn’t know why you cared, or why you were even wondering in the first place. It wasn’t any of your business, but somewhere deep down it made your heart ache. 

“I know you are honey.. Thought your dad was gonna’ have a fuckin’ heart attack when he called me.” You could only imagine. The poor man. The thought of him persuading Javier to convince you to stay with him for the sake of his peace of mind making you giggle. 

“Can you blame him? It was either you or Maria, and somehow you're the better of the two evils.” When you decided to come to Bogotá you originally planned to stay with one of your  close friends from university. She had offered you a room in her apartment for as long as you needed. The both of you had applied for the same summer program, and were looking forward to spending your vacation together. That was before you confessed that a certain somebody also lived in Bogotá. A somebody you weren’t initially keen on meeting again. Somebody you had planned to avoid at any cost during your stay. 

You weren’t really sure why– if you wanted to keep him away out of spite, or convenience, or fear, but all you did know was that when Maria had practically forced you to ask your dad to give Javier a call you were nothing short of petrified. She would not let it go, even said you’d regret not meeting him, better yet staying with him after how much you’d talked him up in the time you knew her. She was so confident she placed a bet you’d give up her house for his in less than forty eight hours. 

“I’m a cop, I’m the obvious choice here cariño” His confidence was charming. He was deceptively charming. 

“Yeah. A terrible one.” 

“Was a little shocked you wanted to see me..” sometimes you really thought he could read your mind. Not just in that moment, in fact he had a habit of hitting on right whatever you were thinking about, whatever was bothering you, things you felt you couldn’t tell anyone else because they wouldn’t understand. You were not sure if and how you wanted to respond, and if you did honestly whether he would know how much the whole situation had preoccupied you. 

“Strictly practical. Wanted to see if you remembered me..” 

“‘Course I remember you, been haunting me like a little ghost since I last visited..”. you thought you might just explode at his teasing. You asked yourself if he was being truthful, if he truly thought about you, about how he’d up and left. 

“You’re the one that disappeared into thin air!” Undeniably, despite the laughter and banter there was a tension in the air– floating between the two of you heavy and low. But what was he expecting?  

Thankfully, the car came to a slow and gradual stop at the side of a small side street, where you spotted a small glass door over which flowers blooming from the floor above had been cascading. “Where are we?” 

“Mint chocolate chip”  One hand on the wheel, the other grabbing his keys, he looked at you as he spoke, so matter of factly it made your heart flutter. Like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “No pier, or fairy lights though, and no thrill of running from your papa.” 

He remembered. 

Heart bursting with love ache, you weren’t really sure what to say. As if he had anticipated your fears he seemed like he was coaxing you into your natural rhythm. Reminding you he wasn’t some stranger whose house you were staying in out of convenience. That you knew him, and that he knew you, remembered you. 

“Thank god for the last one..” The memory fluttered between you two– the same thoughts, hovering between your heads. He was opening the door, taking a quick check of the traffic. You stayed put, finding your bearings. With one hand extended he beckoned you towards him, offering his arm when you hopped out the car on wobbly feet.  “Oh hush, you loved it, cariño. And he knew, I told him the next day.”

With locked arms you crossed the street, and as if no time had passed you had squished yourself to his side, and had smacked him against the shoulder lightly at his admission. “What?! Traitor!” 

“I handled it.” He sounded quite impressed with himself, and when you tilted your head and locked eyes with him you noticed how he looked quite impressed as well. You pressed your cheek against his arm, the leather of his jacket brushing against your warm cheeks.

“You were always the fun one.”

A large ‘OPEN’ sign stared you blank in the face, that was until Javier had gently tucked a finger under your chin, and delicately directed your eyes towards him. “He’s your dad, ‘s not supposed to be the fun one..” he softly remarked, his smile remained, and you felt nothing but warmth, and comfort from his presence. 

The moment fell naturally, and he reached forward to pull the door open for you, letting skip ahead of him and into the store.  “Feels like my 18th all over again.” 

—

It's you, it's you, it's all for you

Everything I do

I tell you all the time

Heaven is a place on earth with you

Tell me all the things you wanna do

I heard that you like the bad girls

Honey, is that true?

“You're the boss Peña, give me the word, and it’s done.” You caught Javier’s reflection in the mirror as you sat down to get ready. Fresh out the shower it took about three seconds for the summer heat to get back at you. He liked to keep his place freezing, and at times like that you could only be grateful– the cool air soothing your scorched skin. 

Carillo, Murphy– you could recognize the voices as they bounced off the wall, the same men you’d met when they barged into his home unceremoniously at six in the morning. You would have preferred to meet them in actual clothes rather than your pyjamas, and maybe outside instead of infront of your concerningly large cup of coffee, but they seemed to be used to finding unexpected guests in Javier’s apartment early in the morning. 

Regardless of the fact that they’d interrupted your quiet breakfast with Javier, they were really nice people. Carillo’s wife even sent some snacks over with him the next time he visited. One because she wanted you to try the local food, and two because “Javier had nothing in his kitchen.” 

“I will. soon as that dick Stechner gets out of my fuckin’ way” reaching to put you necklace on you watched as Javier moved out of your field of vision for a quick moment, returning with a glass filled with ice and an ashtray. What were they talking about? You never really asked about his job, you'd tried to talk him out of it many times, but he never budged. One day he hated it, one day he didn’t. 

What he was like at work was a point of endless curiosity for you– he just seemed so different. If you were being honest he seemed like an asshole. In the few times you’d seen him interact with his partners he’d barely cracked a smile, trading in his joking and teasing for curt jabs or looks of disapproval. He also admittedly liked ordering people around, telling them what to do. His phone rang about five thousand times a day, and each answered call was punctuated with an air of control, indifference, and the steady and constant confidence of a man who knew what the hell he was doing. And did not like to be questioned about it. The only people who seemed to break the ice were the two he was speaking to at that moment. 

“Javi, think this one through, don’t be fuckin crazy.” The voices drowned out as you put your attention back to getting ready. Maria was right. By the time you called her the evening of your arrival you had abandoned all plans to escape Javier's home for hers. She was in hysterics, endlessly pulling your leg over the whole situation. Your overthinking, your panic, your regret, and most obviously your complete infatuation. 

She had picked you up the next morning, and had impersonated you the entire ride to the university. You hoped that you didn’t sound the way she said you did when you spoke of him, that you weren’t all heart eyes. It only made you worried about what you sounded like when you spoke to him. 

With your bag tucked under your arm you grabbed your shoes off the floor, heading towards the dining table. “You got work this evening?” you were hoping he didn’t. His eyes lifted off his work to watch you shuffle around the small kitchen.  Opening the fridge you grabbed a bottle of chilled water, and leaned against the closed door as you spoke. 

“Depends if they call me in, they’re tracking some radio signals so we’re sitting tight till then.” He was leaning back in his chair in absolute exhaustion. Knowing that his day started around seven thirty, and never seemed to end, you didn't blame him. The few days you had been staying at his place he’d join you for dinner and be right back to work in a second. This job of his pretty much consumed him, and judging by his commitment you understood why he had no time for anyone or anything else. The guy was practically married to his job. His job and his co-workers, that is. You wouldn’t be surprised if Murphy and Carillo’s wives were envious of how much quality time Javier got to spend with their husbands. 

“So you’re staying up until they get back to you?” You didn't mean to sound so perplexed, but you were. Mostly at how unpredictable his hours were. Did he really want to leave the quiet, laid back life at home for whatever this was? He crossed his arms over his chest, and spoke to you in between puffs of his cigarette. 

“Yes, cariño, I'm in my forties, dont got a bedtime.”  The man could barely keep his eyes open, and when he lifted his glass to his lips you felt a little better about ditching him for your fun night out. Of course you wanted to sit with him, have him talk about everything under the sun, like he used to, but you didn’t want to be another thing he had to worry about. 

You barely got to speak to him outside meal times. If he stayed home, safe to say he’d be preoccupied, and if he didn’t it would be just you, and the white noise in his empty apartment, like it had been for the past four nights you had been there. 

The man looked like he needed a cup of tea. You reached for the kettle, pushing it on and leaning against the closed fridge door. “They tell you that at the old people's home?” Grabbing your buzzing phone off the counter you moved towards his surprisingly organised kitchen drawers, in which there was little besides some tea bags, coffee beans, jam, canned fruits and bars of candy. That combined with the eggs, bread and milk in his fridge came to make an almost comical representation of what most people would consider a bachelor's desolate pantry. 

Your eyes shifted to the illuminated screen of your phone, an unread message staring back at you. 

Maria: Leaving in five &lt;3

As you took the bubbling kettle off the burner you made a mental note, reaching for a cup, and a tea bag from the unopened box of earl grey you were pretty certain Javier did not buy for himself, rather became the owner of thanks to one of the nice old ladies who lived opposite him. 

“Somones in a mood today huh?” It was then you realised he had abandoned his work to watch you trudge around his kitchen barefoot in your little party outfit, one hand rested on his chin, one leg crossed over the other as he leant back in his wooden dining table chair. 

The teabag bobbed in the steaming water a couple of times, before you were pulling it out and tossing it in the trash. You grabbed his blue mug by the handle– some generic, machine made ceramic devoid of any personality, something you’d probably find in a show home. It looked like it had always been sitting on his kitchen shelf, only seeing the light of day every once in a while when he ditched his liquor cabinet for the coffee machine on the far end of the counter. Knowing him that wasn’t often.

“I'm kidding .”

“Well cariño I was thinking we could go to the dance bar tomorrow, but now I guess I'll have to stay home and rest my old knees.” He looked so surprised when you placed the mug in front of him, rested on a white paper napkin. It was almost like he had expected you to make it for yourself. The chair made a slight squeak against the floor as you pulled it back and took a seat, pulling his glass, now lined with the slight golden residue of whiskey, towards you. He was still surprised, a little taken back even, but not in offence, rather a tender, grateful smile tugged at his lips. 

“Since when do you dance?” With your focus no longer split between tasks you turned back to the conversation at hand. Making sure to emphasise you remembered just how uncharacteristic Javier’s little suggestion was. 

He took a sip of the earl grey, leaning forward and letting his shoulders fall ever so slightly. The glimmer of a distant memory played in his eyes as he met your gaze.“I don’t. But you do.” Your little reminiscence played in the back of your head like a movie reel, the soft sound of music from the dance bar by your house hanging in the air. As if transported into a distant dream you could see clusters of people twirling and dancing with the beat, like little ghosts behind Javier as he spoke. 

“And who am I going to dance with” When you said those words out loud you meant for them to sound a whole lot more utilitarian than they ended up sounding. Whether it was hope, or some odd suggestion you were in no mood to unpack where from deep in your subconscious that had come. All you could wish for is that he didn’t notice. 

“Plenty of people at the bar who’d love to dance with my darling.” And there it was, that answer you dreaded, delivered with that signature smile, with that warm, twinkling light in his eyes. “You don't have work tomorrow?” unable to bear the thought you moved along to more practical matters. 

He was already halfway through that cup of tea, and like his body was in the middle of some sort of spiritual cleanse you could see him resurface somewhat coherent and with eyes that weren’t half as dead as they were two minutes ago.“‘S friday, need the time off. Besides, I'd kick myself if I didn't make good on your time here. These fuckers still gonna be around when youre gone.” Sometimes you wondered if he was talking more to himself than he was to you. 

You felt a little buzzing in your purse, and you rummaged through it to find your phone. A text from Maria reminding you you needed to leave. “Yeah, you're gonna sit at the bar like a senior citizen while I have some fun?” 

Rising from your seat you searched the room for the last of your things. Notwithstanding the lack of time he had put into making the place home there were still small elements of him scattered throughout that little two bedroom. The fresh flowers in a glass vase on his centre table, framed pictures and art he’d been collecting over the years, small artefacts he’d brought back from his travels. It was so odd, the whole place stood suspended somewhere between home and a place far from it. Familiar yet distant. 

“Hey, they’ve got great drinks.”

He finished the last of his tea, and you picked up his mug and set it in the kitchen sink, running it under the tap water for a quick second to rinse it. Truth be told, you just wanted to sit and chat, and if half heartedly doing the dishes was going to give you a few more minutes with him you’d take it.“Don’t get too excited old man, I'm not driving us home.”

“I can take a few cariño, ‘m not like you.” You travelled to where you’d dropped your heels. 

“Slander.” pausing momentarily in the middle of putting on your shoes you lifted your head to find him looking back at you. His eyes had seemingly followed you all the way behind him, and he was still smiling. Had you not had one hand on his couch holding you in place you just might have tumbled over.  

“You be careful tonight, and don’t walk anywhere alone, especially if it's past ten. I know you– can't even read a damn map, so no wandering around, call me.” It looked like he had already given up on you, one hand rushing to his face to rub his tired eyes, the other plastered to the table. He was shaking his head the way he did when he caught you sneaking out your house one summer. 

“I’ll think about it.” of course you were going to call him, you didn't need an excuse. But you liked to see him all agitated, bossing you around like you knew he liked to do. With everyone, that is.

“No no, you're gonna call me when you get there, and you're gonna call me when you leave, and you're gonna tell me exactly how, and with whom you're gettin back.” You were already at the door, hoping to escape him, but he was yelling your name in that exasperated voice, and you heard him shuffle from his seat to stand up– catch you and drag you back in case that was necessary. 

“But-” Turning to meet his peering form over the wall of his living room you parted your lips, attempting to protest, playfully, but still protest, but he wasn't having any excuses. 

He was doing that thing where he looked at you with his soft eyes, slightly downturned, and the look could convince you to do just about anything, made you feel like you’d rather die than let them down. Anybody else’s nagging would have got you on your last nerve, but you only felt warmth, concern and care when he did it. Hell he could throw you off his roof and you’d still think the same. 

“No buts, no excuses. Thats final” You giggled, half because he sounded so much like a boring old man, and half because he was now leaning against the wall, with the top buttons of his shirt undone, and his hands on his hips, hair dishevelled from when he’d combed his fingers through it. 

“You sound like him..” With brows raised you looked at him expectantly, taunting him with your teases, and you nearly jumped out the door when he walked towards you, ready to grab you back to him as you escaped. Any insult was better than being compared to your dad, especially in this context. “Don't you say that, cariño” He was laughing, and you were laughing, and his otherwise quiet apartment building was now singing with an uncharacteristic gleam, a glow, a gaiety. 

Your shoes clicked against the floors as you scurried away, turning one last time to see him leaning against his door frame, shaking his head as he watched you skip into the night. “I don't make the rules old man”. You heard him chuckle behind you as you ‘sing songed’ your words, your heart fluttering when you noticed he waited for you to get outside before he closed his front door. 

–

It's better than I ever even knew

They say that the world was built for two

Only worth living if somebody is loving you

And, baby, now you do

“Thought I told you not to wander around alone, cariño.” You jumped, but it was too late, he had wrapped you up in his arms, and you were pressed up against his chest, and his voice was a low whisper in your ear. And you were dizzy. The alcohol in your system only partly responsible for your petrified squeak, wavering voice, and the way you swayed gently in his embrace. But when he kissed the top of your head ever so gently you could only giggle, recognising that warm hold, that faint smell of whisky on his shirt. 

“Psycho, you scared the shit outta me.” He was laughing when you turned around, exhausted, defeated almost, but his eyes were gleaming in the moonlight, and you felt yourself all but swoon at the way he was looking down at you.  “You’re lucky I'm the only psycho you ran into” Grabbing your face in his hands each word he spoke was punctuated with hyperbole, and a teasing disbelief. Your own hands shot up to grab his, and your cold palms thawed at the touch. You were sure you felt your heartbeat in your throat when his thumbs brushed the swell of your cheeks, you were sure he could feel the way they grew hot under his rough hands. “Just came out for a smoke, don’t go into cardiac arrest now” your fallen cigarette crumpled under your foot when you stepped on it, and in the midst of your eye roll you watched as he stepped back to look at you in faux disapproval. 

“Look at ya’, terrible.” He motioned his head towards the trampled butt on the ground below you. “Me? Terrible?” When you closed the distance between the both of you you stepped on it again, hearing it crush under your shoes, and shoved his shoulder playfully, poking his chest with your pointer finger. “Drinking on the job again old man?” Then he laughed again, this time at your playful yet truthful accusation, and the sound made you feel lighter than a feather. How could one person be so charming, so charismatic, at one in the morning? Like he was divulging a trade secret he raised his brow. “Keeps me awake.”

The blaring music in the club was muffled in the distance as you walked towards the steps of the church in front of you, the quiet and empty street echoing your footsteps. He walked beside you, kept you close on that pleasant summer night. When you turned your head your eyes caught a group of men huddled by a small food stall at the side of the street, hunched over some beers, smoking cigarettes. In the crowd there were two familiar faces. Steve was dressed casually, Carillo and the others in military fatigues. You wondered why he wasn’t walking in their direction, but judging by the look on their faces you concluded there would probably be a better time to do so. Besides, you weren't complaining, he was enough, he always was. 

They shot you a half hearted wave, and two strained smiles from across the road. 

Taking a seat you pat the stone ground beside you, watching as he looked around, almost willing someone to come into sight, one foot on the steps leading up to the cathedral entrance, wringing his hands. “What’re you doing here anyway?” You wondered what he had done that evening, but you knew you were better off not asking. You were glad to have bumped into him, and the last thing you wanted to do in your giggly half tipsy mood was have him explain something you were sure would keep you up at night. Not when he had that look on his face, his work look. 

“Waitin’ on an informant, but someone fucked up and well, we’re back at square one.” he was still searching the street when he bent down to sit beside you, so close your knees bumped. 

You felt your heart race a little when he pulled out what looked like a joint he had rolled moments ago from his shirt pocket, when he leaned back on his arm, lit it and looked up at the sky as he took a drag. You wondered if in your little emotional panic, your worry of his disappearance you had blocked out the memory of his striking, handsome face. You wondered if he had always been this beautiful, this captivating, everything he did set you on fire, the way he carried himself. 

“Smoke a lotta weed for a DEA agent.” 

He turned his head towards you, letting it fall lazily in your direction, and his hair fell in his face the way it did all those years ago, and he shot you that smile that felt like home. “Been a long day cariño”. He was looking back to the sky, but your eyes didn't leave him. He looked so tragic in the moonlight, half lit by its platinum glow. You weren’t sure if it was the liquid courage, or the fact that his shoulder looked more inviting than ever, or the fact that a cool breeze just blew by, and you shivered as it brushed your shoulder, but you leaned your head against him, and you felt your tummy erupt with butterflies when he placed a lingering kiss to your forehead. It was forbearing, and merciful, and you wondered if he had somehow noticed your girlish fawning, your silly admiration, and your heart dropped momentarily, but was soon resuscitated by his soft laughter. 

“Remember those cigarettes of mine you'd steal back in the day.” The breeze had picked up, and it’s cool was far more jarring when it kissed your hot cheeks. “‘S’not stealing… you knew.” you closed your eyes, and let yourself get lost in that comfortable memory. “yeah , could've told your papa” He was looking down at you, but you kept your eyes ahead, too intimidated to meet his gaze. 

“Didn’t” 

“Should’ve” His voice was a mumble beside you, and you found yourself thinking about your dad for the first time in a while, and you were instantly reminded the man you were so taken up by was his best friend, and almost twice your age, and saw you as nothing more than his buddy’s daughter. You stiffened against him. 

He took another drag of his joint. “If he was here right now his blood pressure would be through the roof”. A cold breeze tickled your skin, and he rubbed your shoulder gently and despite the murmured chatter in your head you couldn’t help but melt into his touch. 

“Darling, I can't believe you've been out this long.” He was laughing, and his horrible impression had you in a similar state. Conflict bubbled in your chest, each word slipping past his lips reminded you of your relationship, of your dad, and what he would think if he could peek inside your head, at your little thoughts. You felt guilty, but how could you hold that feeling? Not when he was shaking with joy beside you, not when he had his arm around you the way he did, not when you were tucked into his side, shielded from the winds. 

“You smell like a dingy bar” It felt so natural, your regular routine, the way it had always been, when your dad would say something funny, or outrageous, and the both of you would have a field day. It was well incorporated in your repertoire at that point, but the years apart had the memory sitting on a shelf in your brain, collecting dust. You remember when your dad made a terrible joke the day of your senior prom, and the two of you refused to let it go the entire evening. Javier had a vocabulary of his favourite phrases, and so did you, and you couldn’t help but pull them out every once in a while. 

“How am I going to survive you?!” You spoke in tandem, each letter dragged out with faux frustration, an uncanny similarity to your dad’s tone ringing in the air as your blended voices formed a familiar melody. It hung between you as he laughed heartily, and you wanted nothing more than to frame the moment, keep it tucked away where it would be yours, only yours forever. The starry night, a twinkling sky above you, the chirp of the crickets,  and perhaps your most treasured person, holding you against him. 

You wondered why he left, why he left you behind. Did he feel the same as you did in that moment? Was he happy to be there? To have caught you on your night out? After he’d called off his wedding all those years ago he’d become a rarer sight. You were too young to remember, and it wasn’t long after your parents got married. Growing up in your little town you’d heard he always had a reputation with women, but you never believed a word of the neighbourhood chatter. 

They were not the same person– the guy everyone talked about, and your Javier. While you’d never give him a break from the teasing, bringing up all the times you’d run into women in the streets, asking if you’d seen him, you could never really imagine him as the man everyone made him out to be. He was reckless, sure, and impulsive, and insolent, and a hardass, but he was also gentle, and thoughtful, and gallant.

At least he was to you. 

As if he could hear your thoughts, and they were so loud in your head you wouldn’t be surprised if he could, he broke the silence. “I wanted to come back cariño, but-” 

“But you couldn’t, I know '' There was no point going over what had happened and why, and while you incessantly wondered you knew it was a fruitless exercise. It was just how he was, he liked to up and leave, disappear, keep his distance, and you wondered if that had anything to do with you. But you didn't want to kill the moment, more for yourself than for him. 

“Glad you decided to come, cariño” It was like he was trying to convince you, of what exactly you weren't sure, but he sounded so earnest, so true.. and you felt deep down he was trying to make amends for his absence. Not just from you, but from the life he left behind. Were you an exception? Or a way to right his wrongs? mend all that had been pushed aside? You didn't know, but you’d worry about that later.

The winds had picked up, and the sky was gleaming, and for the first time in a long time you felt at peace. 

“I like it here, it's nice.” When you spoke he was almost surprised, but your words seemed to only widen his grin. He squeezed your shoulder gently. 

“Me too baby, me too.” 

— 

Singin' in the old bars

Swingin' with the old stars

Livin' for the fame

Kissin' in the blue dark

Playin' pool and wild darts

Video games

He holds me in his big arms

Drunk and I am seeing stars

This is all I think of

“Looks like they knew you were coming.” You swivelled the bar stool in your direction, hopping up on the seat. It was early in the evening, around seven, but the music was already going, and there were people on the dance floor, moving to the beat of retro spanish tunes. Javier took a seat beside you, still in his suit from work, shirt haphazardly tucked into his dress pants, tie loose around his neck. 

“Why?” the bartender placed your drinks on the counter, and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes at the fact that he’d stuck to his whiskey on the rocks. “They got the oldies on”. You were giggling, and while he wanted to pretend like he was far too tired to care about your antics he couldn’t help but crack a smile. There was a charm to it– catching a break at the end of the work week, the tranquillity of the weekend enveloping you like a safety net. One of you that is. 

Friday night was busy at any joint, buzzing with nightlife, food and drink. Somewhere along the way you’d gotten up from your seat and headed to the large empty space in the middle of the bar, where tables and chairs had been cleared to create a somewhat makeshift dance floor. Javier was right, while he sat sipping his whiskey you found plenty of dance partners. 

It was all easy, getting passed from one person to the other as the group formed a large circle. It was like you had disappeared into the crowd, bodies moving left to right in the dim green glow, only occasionally giving you a glimpse of the man sitting at the counter– face rested in his palm. Ask him to dance. These urges of yours were momentary, little private lapses of judgement that would only remind you of what was just not possible. 

When he’d take you out back in the day he’d have some minor injury to blame for his lack of participation on the dance floor, and when he didn’t he was “a terrible dancer” or “had too many drinks”. After a while you stopped asking. You realised you’d never really seen him dance. 

You had grabbed the hand of a stranger, letting them twirl you around– Javier was looking in your direction. For how much fun he liked to have you had come to recognize hardly any of it involved other people. Weddings, birthdays, barbeques. He was there. However, you’d always felt he looked at it as an obligation. A hi to the bride and groom, a bouquet of flowers, some meaningless small talk and he would disappear out the door. When he stayed it was solely in the company of a few familiar suspects– your dad being one. While he was often the subject of conversation, he was a pretty reluctant conversationalist. 

It was hot, and muggy, and if someone asked you where you were in the room you surely couldn’t place yourself. Forcing yourself out of the chatter in your head you looked up, noticing finally that your partner hadn’t changed in the past 10 minutes. 

He was looking down at you quite sweetly, he was actually quite handsome, your age, but he didn’t have a white button up on, didn’t have that sideways smirk. He wasn’t Javier. And unfairly, for that reason alone you didn’t want him. But who were you to say no to pretty green eyes, soft, delicate looking light brown hair, a black button up that wasn’t very buttoned up. Neither of you had the confidence to speak up, so you let him sway you side to side, one hand firmly planted on his chest.

You wondered what he really thought of you, if after this little visit he’d be more compelled to come visit, at least spare you a call. Would he disappear once again? Call your dad once in a while and ask him to deliver some impersonal message like ‘say hi to her for me’? You wished you could care less, but you knew you couldn’t, and something inside you told you he knew too. 

A firm arm wrapped around your waist, spinning you in the opposite direction, faces turned to motion blur as you turned on your heel. “Looks like a saved you, cariño.” He was twirling you, holding your hand in his and pulling you into his chest. He hadn’t really saved you but at the same time he had. He could pick you up from a field of lilies and drop you in a medieval torture chamber and he’d still be your knight in shining armour.  

What the fuck are you doing here? You wanted to ask, but you held back. You wondered what had prompted him on the dance floor. Did he think some weirdo wouldn’t let go of you? Had seeing you dance with someone else accomplished a task years of your coaxing couldn’t? You turned back, but the stranger had already disappeared, and Javier was directing your gaze towards him. 

As you had always suspected he was a great dancer, and he sure as hell liked holding you close as you moved along the dance floor. The songs ran over the decades, and he’d often sing lines to you– smiling and pulling you towards him. He looked so handsome, lights reflecting off his face, his smile tired, but earnest, and wide. You almost couldn’t keep up. 

“Danced your energy away?” Picking up the pace once again you twirled around him, unwilling to give in. “No! Why? your back needa rest?” You watched him laugh– shake his head and grab you by the hips. “Sure you didn't cariño.. Can't keep up with an old man?” Voice raw from yelling over the music, you pulled his leg. “Think I heard your knee pop.” His raised brow only aroused suspicion. “Oh really?” Before you could even respond his arm had hooked under your thighs, and his hand was on your back and you were being lifted into the air. “Oh my god!” Your own arms flung around his neck, both your laughs floating between you as he spun around. 

It felt different and not because something in his head had dragged him out onto the dance floor. The way he was looking at you, the way he just couldn’t let go. It hurt your heart more than anything you’d ever experienced. The pain was conflicting– the love ache and the hurt. Did he know how much he meant to you? Did he even care? Something in your heart told you he did but you chalked it up to innocent hope. 

The music slowed down, and you heard emerging from the stereo a familiar tune. 

You’d hum it all the time, so much so it would drive your father nuts. In the kitchen, while doing chores, sometimes as you read by Javier’s side. On the weekend when you woke up early to help cook breakfast it’d be the first song on the playlist. You recall how he’d watch you dance around the kitchen, truth be told rather ungracefully in the mornings– spatula in one hand, kitchen towel in the other.They played it at some wedding once, and your friends had bounded to the dance floor with you just to ensure you didn’t miss a note. You were running so fast you all but collided with him, and he had to catch your falling form as you stumbled towards your best friend, shouting a quick “sorry” as you bounded in her direction.  

He remembered. 

Words were useless when you looked at him the way you did. An expression of surprise, confusion, realisation, all at once, a smile tugging your lips, your doe eyes gazing into his soft brown ones. And his arms were around you, and you were pressed against his warm chest, and you were gently swaying to the beat of the music. 

“Looks like they knew you were coming.” 

It felt like a blip in time, but it would’ve been hours. People came and left, all around you groups of twos and threes and tens, but you stayed, and he stayed. Smiling down at you, holding you tight. You were a little light headed from it all, feet fighting the urge to take a little break. You just couldn’t let go. 

Plopping down on the bar stool you let your cheek hit the cool marble of the counter. Your legs felt like wet noodles, trembling when you finally sat down. You weren't really sure where Javier went, but it felt like an eternity he let you lay there with your eyes closed. Every second was one hundred times longer when he wasn’t holding you. His arm was firm around your waist when he finally helped you out of your seat. You realised he’d been standing only about two metres away the entire time. 

“Let’s get you home, ‘s late.” He had picked your shoes up from where you’d abandoned them, his own blazer draped over his arm– the one you weren’t hanging on to. With closed eyes you let him lead you out into the night, all your weight firmly supported by his broad shoulders, your stumbling feet only stabilised when he tucked you into his side. 

Unintelligible to anyone but him, and muffled by your yawn and cheek pressed against his upper arm you slurred your words as you spoke. “Past your bedtime?” 

He chuckled to himself, placing a soft kiss to the top of your head, his voice a faint murmur– the last thing you really remember hearing.  “Yes cariño, past my bedtime…” 

—

It's you, it's you, it's all for you

Everything I do

I tell you all the time

Heaven is a place on earth with you

Tell me all the things you wanna do

I heard that you like the bad girls

Honey, is that true?

“You been drinkin’ my whiskey….” He was leaning on the table, waving the glass you left out in the air, holding it between two of his fingers. He wasn’t upset, rather looked quite amused. You rubbed your eyes, making out his smile from a distance.  “Couldn't sleep.” Peering into the room you were staying in you were sure he saw your blankets bunched up on the bed where you had been tossing and turning for hours. Your eyes caught the clock on the wall. 

1am. 

It had been a long day. Being assigned to a new supervisor proved to be a real curse. He was quite a piece of work. Patronising, condescending, everything in between. If that wasn’t enough he rejected your proposal, and asked you to submit a new one in two days. God knows you had a lot on your mind. 

The kitchen cabinet swished when he opened it, bringing you back to the present. “God, you really are like me huh?” He still had his jacket on, but judging by the look on his face he needed a drink first. The couch dipped as you threw yourself on it, and you turned over its back rest to watch him move around the kitchen. 

“I had like one shots worth, with like a whole glass of water, so not like you.” Curled up under his plush throw blanket you sank into the cushions, eyes following him as he sat down beside you. With a deep sigh he leaned back, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index. “Fuckin’ hell” 

“Long day?” He picked up the joint he’d just rolled from the side table, groping for the handle of the drawer to grab a lighter. “Can say that..” It was just another night for him. You were lucky you heard him pull up outside, and had got yourself to look somewhat presentable so you could see him at least once that day. Granted that involved nothing but putting on a bralette. 

Maybe it was the fact that it was late, or that you had such a shitty day, or that you just couldn’t help yourself anymore, but you leaned against his chest, snuggling into his side as he took a drag. “I would try and talk you out of this job, but I think I've exhausted all my arguments..” You twiddled your fingers, just wanting to melt into him and disappear. 

“I don’t think there’s anything else I could do.” You shivered, his fingers tracing shapes on your upper arm. “Couldn’t do whatever it is you’ve been doing…” redirecting your gaze from your lap you looked up at him. “Sometimes it feels like I can’t either” He was looking ahead, voice low and rumbly, and just what you needed to hear. 

“You’ve got time, got one’ve my lifetimes ahead’ve you” He pulled you closer, head resting against yours. “Don't say that” You poked his side lightly, hearing him chuckle beside your ear. “Oh yeah, now those jokes gettin’ to you?!” 

Stewing in a comfortable silence you let yourself ease into his embrace, willing your mind to shut up for the time being and enjoy his company. The way he was holding you– so much more delicately than he ever had before had your heart clenching. “Tell me your day was better than mine.”

His words cut through the chilled air, and your heart soared at the thought that it even mattered to him. “No, sucked.” to anyone else you would have responded with a simple ‘it was good’, some white lie to avoid further questions, but you couldn’t lie to him, he’d figure it out one way or another. “My supervisor’s an asshole..”

Nothing was more comforting than the kiss he placed to the side of your head.“‘m sorry honey” He offered you his joint– seemingly having deserted his agenda of being a good influence in favour of apparently celebrating your mutual disappointment. You felt your cheeks heat. 

“I've never smoked before.” 

Gasping comically he whipped his head towards you. He tapped your nose with his index, pinching your cheek and giving you possibly the most suspicious look he could muster. At least he tried, because his smile peaked through the interrogative exterior. “You little liar.” The gesture had you jumping to defend yourself. Shifting to meet his drooping eyes you almost knocked him over as you plopped on the couch, letting him wrap his free arm around your waist to steady you. “No, promise!” You leaned your forehead against his, your eyes gazing into his in an attempt to convince him. Despite his disbelief you were indeed telling the truth. 

“Oh really? Been drinkin’ too, trouble.” his hand snaked up the nape of your neck, cupping your jaw. It was then you realised just how close you were to him. Your eyes flickered to his lips momentarily. When you realised he had beat you to the task you were convinced you were hallucinating, or had somehow gotten high off the second hand smoke. In pain, you were in utter pain, unveiled and unprotected– subjected to his piercing gaze. 

Painfully aware of the tension that had settled like a thick cloud over you, your voice came out small and strained, but also hopeful. “‘M not trouble….could be though” 

The tightness in his jaw was something you couldn’t ignore. “Yeah, I know” In a moment of bad judgement, or in hindsight good judgement you decided you knew what you needed to do. You were exhausted of having to wonder. You were exhausted of asking questions, exhausted of his absence. You slung your leg over his thighs, lifting yourself onto his lap Leaning against his firm chest you peered up at him through your lashes. 

“Baby, careful”  You knew this time those words were not for you, you knew he was fighting the urge to gather you in his arms. You could see that look in his dark eyes– hungry, and hot. You could feel him, hard against your cotton panties. He bent down to press his forehead against yours, your noses bumping. “Cariño, you don't know what you're doing.”  His actions were in direct contradiction to his words, his large hands cradling your soft cheek, pleading you to put him out of his misery. But you were selfish, like he had been all those years ago, and you needed him to put you out of yours. 

“You don’t want this, Cariño” He swiped his thumb over your bottom lip. He was doing that thing again, where he was talking more to himself than to you. But couldn’t let him decide what you wanted, because for years you’d let him convince himself you’d wanted to keep your distance to maintain his own conscience– to make him feel better about how he’d disappeared from your life. 

“I know what I want..”  You didn’t mean to, but you were pouting, and despite your best efforts to speak with conviction you couldn’t help but come off a little pleading, “show me, please.” surely he knew you weren’t just talking about the weed. 

His lips ghosted over yours, and you could just about burst into tears the way he was looking at you. He probably noticed the way your chin wobbled, the way your doe eyes blinked away from his. Because in a moment you heard him sigh heavily, painfully, and apologetically all at once. 

And he was kissing you. Soft and slow, and gentle, and benevolent and like everything you’d ever hoped for. He tasted how you’d always imagined– like whiskey and cigarettes and everything in between. Like home. His thumb stroked your cheek gently until you pulled away, glossy eyed and wobbly on his lap. 

“Want me to show you what?” And here you thought his eyes couldn’t get any darker. He mumbled into your lips, voice commanding and steady– everything you weren't. He grabbed the back of your neck and guided you back towards him. Threading your fingers through his hair you let yourself get lost in the shelter of his hold. You felt as though he could pretty much eat you alive, the way his lips were moving against yours– suddenly hot and soft and needy. 

Heart racing you chased his lips with your own, but he steadied you with his hands, amused at your zeal. “Gotten all worked up now have we?” You couldn’t help it, you tried, tried to sit steady in his lap, but you just couldn’t, not when you felt his cock, twitch against your clothed pussy. 

You rolled your hips against his, watched as his head fell back against the couch. The crease between his brows only persuaded you to continue. “Shit baby, tryna kill me?” barely audible, his rasp had you bracing yourself with your hands planted firmly on his chest. You dragged your hips again, leaning down and tugging the fabric of his shirt. He reached for the joint he’d abandoned on the side table, bringing it to your lips. 

He observed you greedily. “That's it, good girl.” His voice had never sounded more strained than it did in that moment, watching you take a drag, eyes glossing over. The praise had your heart fluttering, you’d do just about anything to hear it again. Smoking wasn’t helping either of your causes, because it only made you press your pussy harder against his clothed crotch. This time his hips rose slightly to meet you, and he cursed lowly under his breath. Already unable to maintain control. 

Taking another drag he leaned back, letting you rub yourself against him, eyes screwing shut every once in a while, just like your own. He’d bring the joint to your waiting mouth every now and then, revelling in the sight of you getting more and more desperate with each puff. 

“dirty little girl..” you whimpered at his words. “rubbin’ that drippy lil pussy all over my lap.” You looked down, only to find a dark spot on his grey jeans, for where you pressed yourself against him. Incapable of stopping your movements you continued, relishing how the friction eased the throbbing between your legs. “Yeah? few drags got you all achy cariño, got you squirmin’?” 

He was watching you, and you could make out his intense gaze through your fluttering lashes, his eyes scanning you up and down, then fixing on your face of strained pleasure. “Tell me how good it feels, Cariño” His palms smoothed up and down your thighs, harsh and slow, and exercising all the self control he could muster. It was difficult to answer, a response bubbling in your throat before you were incoherently blurting it out. 

"Feels so good..” whining, you grabbed the fabric of his shirt in your fists, bouncing on his lap lightly to feel just anything against you, you wanted more, lust and intoxication clouding your judgement. “Please, need it, need it so bad” Losing all sense of restraint one of his hands reached for your hips, squeezing and gripping firmly. 

He dragged your already rolling hips against him, sliding you against his clothed crotch to the point you couldn’t help but let your legs fall limp, your forehead press against his shoulder. “Need what?” You could feel the tick in his jaw where it was pressed up against your cheek. 

His hand slipped between your bodies, moving your soaked panties aside to feel your wetness. You shuddered when you felt him against you, grinding down on his hand. “Fuck, look at that. So fuckin’ wet for me babygirl.” 

“Need you inside me, please.” Nosing his neck you pressed a kiss there, mouth falling agape as he rubbed your clit, fingers teasing your entrance, just barely pushing into you.  “Like this?” If your laboured breaths were any indication you couldn’t take it much longer. 

You wiggled your hips, trying to bear down on his digits, but he pulled away only to squeeze the inside of your thigh. ““Gettin’ to you already? use your words baby” he was taunting you, your little ‘no’s making him smirk against your shoulder as he went back to sliding his fingers along the cut of your pussy. “What do ya’ want me to do to you? Tell me babygirl.” You knew the sweet talk was only meant to encourage you, and while it worked you couldn’t help the way your cheeks burned when you replied. 

“Want your cock inside me. Want you to fuck me.. please … need it” 

Now that he listened to, fingers pulling away and tapping at your lips. When you gazed down at them you could see how wet you really were– having drenched them in the little while he’d had his hand in your panties. Obeying you parted them, letting him slide them into your waiting mouth, sucking gently, the taste of yourself heady on your tongue. “Good girl.” Even though he looked quite composed on the outside you still noticed the way he swallowed thickly when your tongue ran along his digits. 

“Want me to fuck the cute lil pussy?” you shook your head vehemently, and he chuckled at your enthusiasm. “That's my pretty baby.” he kissed you like he wanted to devour you, frantic, and urged, voice so rough it came out almost like a growl. His hands roughly grabbed your hips, flipping you to lay back against his couch. In a moment your sleep top and bralette had been discarded, in a pile on the floor alongside your shorts and his own clothes. 

Slotting himself between your legs you looked down to where his fingers were tracing the inside of your thigh. You gazed up at him, upper body lit by the dim orange light of the side table, broad shoulders slumped as he admired the sight of you– on your back, in nothing but your panties, all for him. As he slowly pulled them down your legs, he sure seemed to relish the way the fabric of your cotton panties clung messily to your wet pussy.  

“Poor thing, just need someone to take care of you don’t you?” It was less of a question and more of a declaration, and undoubtedly it made you feel open and weak. How could you not feel that way? There you were laid out in front of him, every part of you exposed, his toned torso being the only part of him you could really see thanks to the half lit room. It felt like if he looked just a little closer he’d be able to see right through your naked body– and into your scrambled thoughts. 

His index teased your dripping hole, briefly dipping into you and coming back to rub soft circles on your clit. Gasping, your fingers flew to grip his wrist when you felt him slide his cock against your cunt, tip teasing your sensitive nub ever so slightly. “Relax babygirl, be good for me.” Bringing your hand to his lips he peppered your knuckles with kisses, willing you to ease into the cushions as he draped himself over your body. He grasped your face in his palm, kissing his reassurance against your forehead as you felt him line himself up with your leaking entrance. 

You mewled at the stretch of him, at how hot you felt against him as he eased himself into your soft pussy. “Shit- so fucking tight-” his stopped for a second, like he was willing himself not to split you open with one quick snap of his hips. “can barely fit my cock in this lil pussy.” Leaning in your lips searched for his. He let you melt into him, fingers brushing against your side as if to calm you down. 

It was so much– his weight on top of you, his hips slotted between your thighs, forehead pressed against yours. You could feel every pulse, every throb, every ridge of him inside you, nudging those spots you could never reach yourself– and he wasn’t even moving yet. 

When he did start moving you couldn’t help the whimper that slipped past your lips. Your fingers digging into the flesh of his biceps, pulling him closer. You needed him, pressed up against your rising chest, holding you. “I know cariño, I know.” His right hand squeezed your waist, “Feels so good doesn’t it? Yeah feelin’ all full?” 

His voice was so sweet, like honey, warm and sultry in your ear. You nodded a quiet ‘yes’. He cradled your face in his palm, nose nudging yours gently. Mumbling his own rhetorical “yeah?” he kissed the underside of your jaw. For the first time he felt as close as he physically was, big and thick inside you. 

You were drowning in his arms, enveloped by them, cocooned in a bubble of heat, and low breathy sighs, and his lips ghosting over yours as he thrust into you– hard, but slow, and deep.  “That’s it, just like that–” he picked up his pace ever so slightly. “Such a good girl.” His words were gruff, and stuttery and his breath tickled your ear whenever he spoke. 

Feeling the drag of his thick cock against your pulsing walls your eyes struggled to focus on him above you. He on the other hand seemed to have no trouble fixing his gaze on your trembling form. “Makin’ me feel so–” he brought his thumb to brush the swell of your cheek, “fucking good, baby”. Your head buzzed at his praise, burning face turning to rest in his palm. 

With your back lifting off the soft cushion you reached to pull him impossibly closer, wiggling your hips to meet his thrusts. “More, please, please.. Want it” you couldn’t recognise your voice, not when you were begging him, watching his eyes twinkle. “Yeah? Need me to fuck this pretty pussy harder?” you nodded– feeling embarrassed enough at his smirk of surprise to hide your face in his neck, but not enough to stop begging. Another soft “please” barely falling from your mouth.  

Rising slightly he grabbed your hips, holding your thigh against his side. Your tilted hips granted him a whole new angle, and before you knew it you were throwing your head back, letting it fall against the upholstery. “You want that, don't you baby? Need me to stuff you full of my cum?” You could only respond with your sounds of pleasure. 

He pushed you against the cushions, hovering above you to drive himself deeper, watching you turn into a moaning incoherent mess– your whimpers and whines bouncing off the walls and only exhilarating his pleasure. “That's right cariño, I gotcha’” one hand squeezed the flesh of your hip, then travelled up to brush against the exposed column of your throat– fingers tracing your skin before he was leaning down and placing sloppy kisses against you. 

“gonna fuck this pretty pussy till she’s dripping with my cum.”

He must have noticed that dumb, hazy look in your eyes when propped himself back up, still fucking you till your hips pressed into the sofa’s cushions. “Fuck, nothin in that head of yours huh?” You made out his smirk of pride as you jostled around, trying your best to keep your eyes on him as he moved above you. 

It was far easier said than done. Not when you could feel his cock against your throbbing walls, could hear his scruff groans whenever he felt you clench around him, not when he was looking down at you with his furrowed brows, and sweat gemming his hair– which’s curls had been ruffled out of place from when you’d ran your fingers through them. 

Especially not when he shifted ever so slightly, and you felt his tip brush that sensitive spot inside you you didn't even know you had. Javier cursed above you, feeling you squeeze his cock. “that the spot huh babygirl?” he watched the way your eyes fluttered shut, face scrunching in pleasure as he hit it over and over and over again. 

Your head lulled from side to side, your body in overdrive and completely overwhelmed at the sensations. That was until he was cupping your cheek in his palm, tilting your face in his direction. “Use your words for me.”. But you couldn’t, parted lips struggling to form anything coherent besides soft, little whines. 

His hips snapped in a deep, slow thrust. “Say it..” Your eyes were barely open, and you reached and tried to grab him closer, but he stayed above you, unwilling to budge as he slowed to a complete stop– waiting for you to voice your needs. “Yes-”

He mumbled against your lips, nipping, and kissing. “Good girl, my good girl.” To that you nodded, back arching as he drove you closer and closer to the edge.  Every part of you singing at his touch– how he kneaded and squeezed your hot flesh. 

The coil in your belly only tightened and tightened, and you suddenly felt too vulnerable, too exposed to meet his hooded eyes. Turning your face to the side you let the plush throw blanket hide your hot cheeks, burying your face in it. “Look at me, wanna see your pretty face.” It was an instruction. One he expected you to follow like all the others. 

You didn’t think he’d notice that hitch in your breath, the way you did the opposite and smashed your face against the soft fabric. It was all too much, and he was fucking into your soaking pussy, and his hands were roaming your body, and you could feel his skin brush yours, and you were dizzy, and overwhelmed and you could scream and–

And he was slowing down again, just enough to where he kept you on that edge, to where you could savour every bit of him inside you. – “Cariño, look at me..” God he sounded so tender, coaxing you out of your daze just enough to the point you shook your head ‘no’, whimpering and turning only further away from him. 

He kissed your cheek, cooing at your overwhelm. Not to mock you, rather he sounded quite endeared, prideful even. “Baby” Nudging his nose with yours you felt his thumb rub soothing circles against the apex of your cheekbone, urging you in his direction ever so slightly. Your eyes fluttered open, just barely, only to find him smiling down at you. 

“There’s my girl.” 

“Need you to look at me when ‘m fuckin’ you.” He held your face in place as his hips met yours, slow and languid. No part of you was left untouched, his kisses adorning every inch of your exposed skin, lips coming to press against yours every now and then. It was like he could see through your nakedness, and the thought terrified you to no end, made you feel small and defenceless, and had your sensitive cunt squeezing his cock.  

“You close honey?” When you nodded your nose bumped his, and he laughed before he was kissing you gently. He brushed the sweat from your brow, voice so mellow yet in control. “Cum for me baby-” You felt him deep inside you. So so so close. ”Wanna feel you cum all over my cock” 

It rolled over you, slow and intense and deep, in waves. He held you close, cooing at your trembling frame, holding you against him. “'M here cariño, I gotcha, just like that.” Groaning, he watched your eyes struggle to remain open, rolling back into your head as he fucked your throbbing cunt. “That's my pretty girl.” 

His own hips stuttered, thrusts becoming sloppy as he neared his release. Still experiencing the aftershocks of your orgasm you felt him fucking into your warm, pulsing pussy. You felt his cock twitch inside you before he was filling you up with his cum, a strained curse slipping past his lips. 

Ears ringing you registered him catching his breath above you, but it was all too hazy for you to make out. All you really knew is that he hadn’t let go of you, hadn’t abandoned you on the couch to smoke a cigarette or pour himself a drink, instead he was peppering your face with little kisses. “ ‘m so proud’a you cariño– did so well for me.” 

Pulling out he slid his hand under your back, flipping you over so you were snuggled into his chest. The cold air from the open window could barely touch your skin before Javier was throwing the blanket over you– keeping you warm, close. 

You were still in your daze, but even as you lay on top of him, drifting in and out of a deep slumber you couldn’t shake the worry that when you opened your eyes he would be gone. 

That he would have traded you in for the comfort of his bed, or worse would have disappeared into obscurity once again. The thought only stung more as you felt his cum leak out of you, mixing with your own to drip down your thighs obscenely. 

You never really knew if he regretted it, if he wanted you for sure, if he liked having the weight of your body against him. Flinging your arms around his neck you tugged him impossibly closer, burying your face in his neck. A silent plea to stay where he was. You didn’t care if you seemed needy, or clingy or pathetic. 

It was like he knew somehow, like your thoughts floated to him after you’d thought them. And as always there was no explaining to do, no questions to answer, nothing to say. His embrace was safe, and secure, and unwavering. “close those eyes for me cariño mìo” He planted a soft kiss to your nose, his arms tightening around you, palms rubbing soothing circles on your back. “‘m right here babygirl, not goin’ anywhere….”

You did. And he didn’t. 

It's better than I ever even knew

They say that the world was built for two

Only worth living if somebody is loving you

And, baby, now you do

Now you do

Now you do

Now you do

Now, now you do

Now you do

Now you do

I would also like to add that we are engaging with this concept solely in the realm and interest of fiction. This type of situation is a huge red flag. While the reader is seemingly consenting and enthusiastic there is a huge power imbalance between her and Javier. He has also known her her whole life and has been a significant part of her childhood. Engaging sexually or romantically in a relationship like that is creepy gr*omer behaviour. I used their past as a narrative device because this isn’t real, but please be aware of your media consumption, and that dynamics between characters in fic are vastly different from what is healthy, and ethical in real life. 🫶🐝💗

I really hoped you lovelies enjoyed it!! Please let me know what you think, I'd love to hear it! Thank you to everyone who reblogs my work, you keep me writing. Dividers and banners by @ saradika 💗🐝✨

[sorapricots]

Soothing Heaven

Summary: While the nightmare kept trailing behind each of his step keeping him wide awake and tied down to the reminder that his the last of his people, you always accept him with warm smile and open arms.

Pair: Aventurine x Reader

Genre: Hurt/comfort

Warnings: Everyone is sad here :(

A/N: I got aventurine in soft pity AND I won my 50/50 TWICE (Yes my Aventurine is E1 I am so proud) can y’all believe that? Not to mention I got his light cone on 10 pulls with 0 pity… he wanted me fr fr.  Aventurine story quest really kills me. He just want a peaceful life yet the fate say no n make him suffering more than he already suffered :( that man just need some hug fr.

Wc:  1,1k

“You’re a child blessed by Gaiathra Triclops and can lead the clan to happiness. So always remember to protect yourself and never resent the pain and poverty you’re going through… All right?”

Aventurine gasped as he opened his eyes. Beeping from the alarm beside his table can be heard. He pushed the alarm off as he blankly stared the ceiling above him. His sister’s words keep echoing in his head. He exhaled softly as he pushed his body from the bed.

As he started to get ready he start to imagine what and how his trip to penacony will be. Will his mission from the IPC will go smoothly or will he encounter enemies he can’t face?

Whatever the result is he surely does not excited to leave. He grabbed his phone as he walked out from his bedroom. Quickly searching for your name in his contact list and call your number.

One, two, and three rings you finally pick up his call.

“Hello! Good morning my love.” Your smooth voice made him smile softly as he opened the fridge.

“Good morning my lucky charm.” He can hear you giggle from the phone which only make his smile harder. Suddenly he feel the tattoo on his neck pulsed. Which make him grunt a bit. Making his lover stop talking.

“Are you okay my love?” you asked voice laced with worries. Aventurine let out a small hum to show that he’s okay when in reality his clutching his neck pretty hard.

“I don’t feel so good about this my love… are you sure you are okay and will go to penacony?” Aventurine can’t help but smile with how worried and how caring his lover to his well being.

“Don’t worry sunshine, I will be alright. You know I always be alright.” Aventurine can hear you sniffled. Aventurine cooed at the thought of you wiping your tears.

“I’ll go to your place now hm? Let’s have some time together before I left with Topas. I’ll see you in 10, love. I love you my lucky charm.” You let out a choke hum before bid him goodbye and hear a beep from your phone.

.

.

.

10 minutes never feel so long in your life as you sit on the counter with your earbuds on trying to drown bad thoughts in your head. Your finger turning red as you keep picking the skin.

You blinked when you see a harm gloved fingers carefully pull your fingers apart. Suddenly the world is quiet.

Aventurine carefully cup your cheeks with his hands. Treating you like a glass he got from an auction with highest price. Carefully he wiped aways those tears that won’t stop streaming down. And end it with a soft kiss on each of your eyes.

“I’m here. And always be here no matter how far we are.” He said with a whisper. Your eyelids rapidly blink away the tears before you pull him to a hug. Inhaling his scent and absorbing his warmth.

“Be safe, Kakavasha.” Your tone wavering. Aventurine smile softly at the way you call him by his real name. A privilege that is reserve for you and you only.

“I will, precious.” His hands softly rub your back as you hug him harder.

“Let me drop you off at the office.” You spoke softly as you pull yourself a bit to see your lover face. Aventurine smile and nodded.

You both go to IPC office, hands entangled to one and another refusing to let go. The closer you are to the office the tighter your grip on his hand. And all he can do is just pulling you closer to his side.

“Well looks like someone is not willing to say their goodbye.” Topaz welcome both of you with Numby on her shoulder squeaking. You smile at her before Aventurine pull you a bit far away to talk.

“I will go now…” there’s a heavy atmosphere enveloping around both of you.

“I will wait here…” your voice crack as your vision blurry. Hands carefully play with one of his rings.

Aventurine lean in carefully. Cupping your cheeks as his forehead touch yours. His multi-coloured eyes stare at your glossy ones. Thumbs carefully wiping the fallen tears before he kissed you.

Slowly Aventurine pull away. You watch as one of your hand hold the other half set of earing that you have with Aventurine. Carefully playing with the crystal as your eyes watch Aventurine get into the car with Topaz and left.

Empty start to engulfing you as you walk home alone.

.

.

.

Anxious.

One feeling that have been haunted you for the past 3 days. The news spread like a wildfire about what happened with IPC especially Aventurine in Penacony.

If it’s not because how hard it was to be able to step a foot on Penacony and the responsibility you have at home you would go to Aventurine as soon as you can. But fate decided the other thing and all you can do is just wait.

Your eyes keep moving back to your phone as your fingers typing stuff at the laptop on your lap. The sky getting dark and yet there’s no ongoing news about what happened with your lover. Not even from Topaz herself.

Suddenly there’s a jingle of keychains. Your finger immediately stopped typing as you try to confirm yourself if you hear something. You can feel your chest beating.

The door creaked as it opened slowly. Showing a figure with clothing style that you so familiar with. In a hurry you put everything aside and you run to welcome him.

There he was. Your Aventurine. Looks so dishevelled. His skin looks paler than he already is. There’s no glint of light in his multi-coloured eyes. He looks like he’s about to collapsed anytime soon.

You open your arms. No words to be said as your eyes mirror his. Slowly he walked towards you before he let his body fall limp into your arms.

No sobs to be heard from him, but the way you can feel your shirt getting damp tell a story that don’t need to be untold. Carefully both of you fall to the floor. With Aventurine still in your arms and your arms carefully rub his back.

Suddenly you feel him circling his arms around you. Tight enough for you to unable to let go. You hug him equally tight. Sway your body from side to side. Aiding his inner turmoil. Telling him without words that you will be there.

“Welcome back, Kakavasha.” you said with the softest tone you can give. Sobs suddenly break out from him as you try to calm his trembling body by playing his hair.

Maybe, maybe this is what the emanator of nihility meant when she told him to go back. His soothing heaven is waiting for him after all.

[madsnowstorm]

everything | j. seresin

beyond - leon bridges ft. luke combs

summary : jake loves weddings. you hate them. shared revelations might just change your opinion

warnings - 18+, fem!reader, established relationship, FLUFF. so much fluff. not beta'd,

notes — happy valentine's day! here is a sickly sweet one for @roosterforme's 'love is in the air' challenge. like, so sweet.

Jake loved weddings. He always enjoyed a good reason to dress up, hair gelled just right and cufflinks perfectly in place. If he happened to be in Texas he’d have on his favorite pair of boots and a bolo tie. He loved dancing at the receptions. It didn’t matter if there was a live band or a DJ, Jake was always out on the dance floor. This was especially if there was line dancing involved. Then there was the cake. Jake’s one weakness in life was wedding cake. He could turn down any cookie, pie, or ice cream cone shoved in his face…But wedding cake? There was no holding him back…Except today, at this wedding, he could only focus on one thing. You.

You were sitting at a table that was right off the dancefloor. One shapely leg was thrown over the other, peeking out of the slit of your burgundy bridesmaid dress. Your bare foot was bouncing to the music and your eyes were trained on the bride and groom who were sharing their first dance. Jake’s eyes traveled quickly to Javy and his new wife, his childhood sweetheart, Leah, as they swayed to the rhythm. They did not care that over one hundred people were staring them down. The only thing capturing their attention was their partner. Jake only looked at them for a moment longer before letting his gaze drift back to you. His eyes were drawn to how soft and bright your skin looked. You looked soft and supple.He wanted to glide his hands over your bare shoulders and down your back. You were radiant...Like the sun. And he wanted to put that shit in a bottle and tuck it in his pocket.

God. You were so fucking beautiful. 

Funnily enough the two of you met at another wedding months ago. One of Javy’s and Leah’s friends from their youth was getting married and Leah was a part of the bridal party. Javy didn’t want to be alone and knowing that Jake was down to crash any wedding, brought the blond along. Jake wished he could say that he noticed you the moment you walked into the large event space. He wished he could tell you that he’d gotten tunnel vision when he saw you walking towards him. Wished that he could drone on and on to his future grandchildren about how the moment your eyes met his, he knew you were the one.

No. That didn’t happen. In fact, you were late to the ceremony and snuck in next to Javy. Javy’s body shook with laughter as you raised your hand in an awkward wave, cringing. Seconds later the ceremony started and his attention turned from you to the ceremony. He actually forgot that you were there until the ceremony was over and Javy was introducing you both. As you both sipped on drinks of your choice while the event space was being converted for the reception, the topic of work. You were extremely uninterested in the fact that he was a naval aviator. He attributed that to you knowing Javy for so long, but it did stump him a little bit. 

As he talked with you, he found himself trying to impress you. He wanted to make you smile, to make you laugh. He wanted to see you after this. It was different than it normally was. Typically when he left weddings he was going back to some hotel room with a girl on his arm and a pleasant buzz, and was gone by the next morning. You, though? You left before they even served the wedding cake, mentioning something about it getting late after looking at the delicate gold watch on your wrist. Jake did not understand. How could someone leave before having at least one slice of cake? 

In the moments it took for him to try and wrap his head around that unfathomable act, you’d made it to the parking lot. It only took a few moments for the blond to catch up to you, yelling your name and waving his hand to grab your attention. Standing by your compact SUV, he all but begged for your number. He could tell by the way you bit your bottom lip that you weren’t entirely sure about him. He was willing to let you go, but just as quick as you decided to leave, you also decided to give him a chance. Numbers were exchanged and drinks were planned.

Five months later led you to where you were today; you happily watching your friends on the dance floor and Jake longingly watching you. The song the band was currently playing transitioned into another. This song had a slightly peppier sound, but still had a slow rhythm. 

“The bride and groom would love to invite you to grab a partner and join them on the dance floor!” The lead singer announced before they began singing.

Jake made his way over to you, dodging people who were now walking around. Some were headed to the dancefloor, while others looked to be grabbing sweet snacks or drinks. There were some older couples that chose to stay seated, enjoying the sight of young love.  Your eyes were still on your friends, but now your body was beginning to sway with the new song. Jake thought that was good, because it meant it would not take much convincing to get you out on the dance floor. As Jake walked closer, he watched your eyes move from Javy and Leah, to him. Your smile widened and his heart stuttered.

__

You hated weddings. They were expensive and uncomfortable. The wedding industry was practically a crime against humanity and you could think of a million different things that could be purchased for the cost of a wedding. The food was never good and the wedding cake was always bland and usually dry. The only thing you could slightly be on board with were weddings that had an open bar. Leah was one of your childhood friends and it was only because you loved her and valued her friendship that you adopted the motto grin and bear it when you accepted the offer to be a bridesmaid. It also helped that Jake was just as much of this process as you were. 

He was the exact opposite of you. The man adored any reason to celebrate, weddings included. In moments he knew you were overwhelmed or just completely done with all the pomp and circumstance, he would always find a way to put a little joy in your heart. A wink here, a flirty touch there. Your boyfriend almost made you forget that you hated weddings.

“M’lady,” He asked, appearing behind you. You looked over your shoulder and basked in the beauty of the man in his dress whites. While he was far from the only one dressed in his military regalia, he was most certainly the best looking. Your gut filled with anticipation for what was going to come after the wedding. “Can I have this dance?” You lifted your finger to your chin, tapping it as though you were deep in contemplation. 

“I’m sorry, but I-” Jake didn’t let you finish your joke. He grabbed your free hand which was draped over your chair and pulled you up. It was clear the dance floor was his destination.

Other couples were swaying around the tiled door. You caught Leah’s eye and she smiled at you. Your friend looked beyond happy and incredibly in love. You were happy for her and Javy and wished them nothing but the best. Jake pulled you close as you took your spot near your friends. One hand was heavy on your hip, the other grasping one of yours. He held it close to his heart, letting both your hands rest on his chest.

“Have I told you how beautiful you look today?” He remarked.

“Hmmm, maybe once or twice.” It was more than that. All throughout wedding party pictures he kept whispering compliments and promises in your ear. He made you feel like the most beautiful creature to have walked the earth. You could feel the rumble of a chuckle under the back of your hand.

“Anyone ever mention how funny you are?” It was now your turn to laugh. Jake’s only response was to shake his head. He got quiet for a moment, before asking another question. “Do you want to get married?” The question took you off guard, causing you to step on Jake’s toes.

“Are you proposing?” You hoped he couldn’t hear the nerves in your voice. The two of you had not talked about the future, completely fine to move at the snail's pace you’d been at.

“No, not at all.” Jake shook his head. “I just meant in general. Do you want to get married?” Was this really the time? Your heart was beating heavily against your chest. It wouldn’t be surprising if Jake could feel it.

“Do you want to get married?” Was your coy response.

“Don’t deflect. It’s a simple question.” Jake was an arrogant guy. It was one of the first things you noticed about him. He typically spoke with a teasing tone, but there was no hint of it now. He was serious. 

“Married to you or just married?” You matched his tone. This time you weren’t being playful and you needed this clarification  before you gave yours.

“Married to me.”

“Yes.” There was no hesitation, but the words left your mouth without permission. Part of you was scared that your feelings about the future wouldn’t be reciprocated. “Do you want to get married to me?” It was his turn for honesty, but as your eyes roamed over his face you knew your mind could not prepare you for his answer.

“I want everything with you, Darlin’.”

“Jake…” His name was no more than a whisper on your lips.

“I’m sorry if that is too early or if that scares you , but it’s the truth. I want marriage, yes, but I want you to meet my family. I want to make a family. I want a dog and a house. I want someone to come home at the end of hard days and long deployments. I want everything.” The only way you knew how to react was physically. As your lips met his, you didn’t have a single care about all the people around you.

“I love you.”

“I know, who doesn’t?” Your eyes narrowed and you pinched his hip. He playfully yelped. “Did I say that? I meant to say that I love you too.”

Maybe weddings weren’t so bad, after all.

[bingbongsupremacy]

Every Night

Pairing: Max Mayfield x Reader

Warnings: None that I can think of.

Summary: Every night since 7th grade, Max has made it a mission to say goodnight -Face to face. At tonights' visit, you discover that your friendship might have been more than you thought it was.

(Pretend Max has lived in Hawkins her whole life)

*Not Proof Read*

I don't believe I mention anything gender specific. If I did, please let me know and I can fix it.

ABC List Stranger Things Masterlist

*****

Every few minutes I glance over at my window. Blinds open, the moonlight shines through the glass, onto my carpeted floor.

8:30.

She should be here by now. What if she got hurt? I mean, with all the weird stuff going on lately, anything is possible.

Finally, a small rock hits the bottom of my window.

I rush over to open window, looking down at the grinning girl.

" You gonna let me in? " She asks after a moment. " Or are we gonna have to Romeo and Juliet this tonight. "

I roll my eyes, leaning my head out of the window slightly. " You're so dramatic. "

" That's what you love about me. " She whisper shouts.

" I guess. " I chuckle, moving back into my room.

There's a lot more I love about Max, most of which she doesn't know about.

We're just friends, Y/N. Calm down.

I tip toe quietly into the kitchen, opening the door as gently as possible.

Max is waiting patiently on the other side, her backpack messily slung over her shoulder. " About time. " She teases.

" Oh shut up, Max. " I mumble, closing the door behind her.

She quietly laughs and we head up to my room. Once the bedroom door is closed, she drops her bag onto my floor, plopping onto my bed in the process. Max lets out a small sigh. " I missed you today. "

I lay down with my head on my arms, turning to face her. " You did? That's shocking. "

Max rolls her eyes at my sass. " I always miss you. You're my best friend. "

Best friend. Always the best friend, never the partner.

" Your my best friend too. " I smile at the girl.

Max lets out a laugh. " Of course I am, babe. " She flips onto her stomach so she can look be at my level.

Butterflies flutter at the pet name, something she's been calling me for a while now. I don't really remember when it started. Freshman year maybe? That's around the time we started having more and more sleepovers. My parents finally let me stay over at someone else' house.

" What's going on in that pretty head of yours. " Max asks, gently tapping her shoulder against mine.

I snap out of my thoughts. " Oh, just trying to remember when you started calling me 'babe'. I don't really know though. "

Max's eyebrows furrow. " I remember. It was like a week after we started dating, the summer of Freshman year- "

My eyes widen. " What? "

Max looks at me with a confused expression. " What do you mean, 'what'? "

" We're dating? " I ask, my heart beginning to pound. " Since when? "

Max pushes herself up into a sitting position. I quickly follow. " You seriously don't remember? I asked you out and we went to the arcade and then to get ice cream. I walked you home. That was our first date. "

I shake my head. " You never asked me out, you asked if I want to go to the arcade after school...with you. "

That was our first time going to the arcade without the others. Just the two of us. We played games for hours before finally deciding to head over to Hardy's for an ice cream cone. Now that I think about it, I think Max might have paid for my cone.

Max laughs slightly, nodding her head. " Yeah..." She says in a playful 'duh' tone.

" To be fair, " I point out. " You never actually said ' Do you want to go on a date with me? '. I mean, I thought we were just going to hang out. "

Max rolls her eyes. " Well then what did you think when I started calling you babe? Or like holding your hand? "

I shrug. " I don't know...that we were best friends? I mean, you call me your best friend all the time. I sorta assumed you just friend zoned me. "

Max lets out a groan, gently crashing her forehead into my shoulder. " You are my best friend. You're my partner and my best friend. "

" And you've never actually kissed me - "

" I did! " Max snaps back up. " That one time at Mike's party. "

That night was our first high school party. It wasn't very big but there was a few bottles of beer and no parents around.

" We were playing spin the bottle. That doesn't count. You had to kiss Lucas too. " I nervously begin to fidget with the hem of my shirt. How did I not know we were dating?

Max puts her warm hands on my shoulders, causing me to look up at her. " Fine. " She gently grabs my chin before leaning towards me. Her warm lips meet mine, causing my eyes to flutter close after a moment of surprise. Her soft lips gently guide mine. Electric shockwaves run through my body. My heart pounds in excitement.

Ever since our kiss at Mike's party, this is what I've been wanting. I never thought it was actually going to happen.

Max's hand finds its way behind my head. She gently plays with the hair at the nape of my neck before pulling away for air.

I let out a small pant, eyes meeting hers.

" I definitely missed that. " Max grins.

Warmth floods my cheeks. " I'm such an idiot. " I mumble.

Max shakes her head, her red hair fluttering softly back into place. " You're not an idiot. I guess I should've been more clear...How about this, " She lets go of my shoulders.

I look at her in confusion.

She scoots back slightly so we have more room between us. " Let's try it again. " She grins. " Hey Y/N, do you want to go on a date with me on Friday? "

My stomach churns from excitement. " I'd love to, Max. " I grin back.

Max's smile widens. " Really? You just made my day. "

I roll my eyes.

" I'll pick you up at 7. Sound like a plan? "

I nod. " I'll be...here. " I laugh slightly. A thought pops into my head. " Wait, does anyone know?- Or I guess, did anyone know we were dating? "

Max nods. " Yeah...our entire friend group. And my mom. "

I shake my head. " How did I not know? "

Max pulls me down onto the bed with her, our hands resting in a lazy hand hold. " Honestly, I'm not sure. I mean, Dustin's made a couple jokes about us dating. "

" I thought that was just him being...weird. " I mutter.

" Don't worry though. Our first official date, the one we both know about, is on Friday. " Max leans her head gently onto my shoulder.

How did I get so lucky to end up with a girl like Max?

[chiquititaosita]

Maki Zenin x Latina fem reader 🫶🏼🌶️👹

¡! ❞ synopsis: maki x latina reader varying headcanons, with slight mentions of nsfw descriptions, and suggestive writing

osita note: yall im making more soon asap, writing is back in the groove more gay shit coming soon! hope y’all love it @kenruu @sanjisblackasswife @yourrfavzxri @chrollohearttags @chocolatetheoristcloud @sanjis-all-blue @euphofic @roronoaswifey @cookiepie111 @sierae @hqkalon

maki being the girlfriend to write you notes on a sticky note in places you’ll be looking for stuff. “have a good day at work! fuck that bitch (coworkers name).”

Maki who spoils you by buying you food, and even cooking sometimes. She comes to terms with accepting the use of vicks vaporub and newspaper cones.

Maki Zenin being the girlfriend that literally checks you out unintentionally, and her sister calls her out.

“You’re checking her out aren’t you?”

“So she’s not your type.” “but that’s my girlfriend.”

“Hey she’s mine back off!” she gets jealous so fucking easily, and is kinda tóxica but we stan it.

You yelling at Maki and slapping her hand with a wooden spoon with a small hit. Then itadori with a PAM! because they attempted to eat your cooking that’s still raw and needs to be cooked thoroughly.

“Wash y’all’s damn hands!!” You’ll be yelling that in Spanish and putting your hands on your hips.

I mean if you you yell at Maki or anyone in español She’s gonna get her pushy wet, call it Niagara Falls up in this bitch.

“AYO THOSE ARE MY TITTIES!!” she’s gonna cover you up if you have a nip slip or a fashion mishap. Or get nobara to help you. She don’t mess with taken women, nobara goes after married men PURR

here y/n is just being fussy; and crying if she gets hurt, “who did this to you!?…” at first in her head she’ll be like oh shit.

“What happened…?” bitch will fight the whole jujitsu society and even risk her life as a sorcerer for you. BECAUSE SHE LOVES YOU SO DEARLY INTO HER HEART.

ms girl loves your cooking and your body with stretch marks and freckles. “And I thought you were my breakfast.”

FaceTimes you when you’re on break, ALWAYS COMES HOME TO YOUR COOKING AND CLEANING. Because she’s never been taken care off because her dads a bitch. she starts showing affection to you slowly.

“i know you’re homesick, so i brought you pan dulce from the panadería.”

“you want me to help you with anything?” she really doesn’t know how to ask you for help, but instead she takes over the whole task on doing it.

“you need to be careful, okay?” overprotective 11/10

cuddles are necessary with her always

she’s always gotta be touching you on your thighs your ass or your titties, even the small of your back

“My girlfriends coming! And she’s gonna kick your ass!” The minute she feels somethings not right! 🏎️ nyooom!! She’s gonna use her cursed objects to find you AND KILL THEM MFS

Maki to the rescue. “Are you okay? Are you hurt?” She’s gonna kill these bitches with no mercy. Maki has already lost her mother and she can’t risk the chances of losing you.

She calls you mama, princess, baby, y/n love, love, love bug, sunshine.

Actually is learning Spanish for you. Even though it’s easy to understand by how you’re yelling at someone she’s just encouraging you with her hands up having a smirk on her face. “that’s my girl.”

especially for her voice being low and sounding like honey, when she calls you baby. she’s obsessed at how y’all dance together. Mai approves of you 9/10! only because maki didn’t tell her about you sooner.

if your cousins ask maki why her hair looks like mocos, she’ll just just not care. and whisper something super sinister in your cousins ears that’ll leave them terrified, and go back to eating.

kisses with maki are sweet and slow, even passionate at times, of course when it comes to pda she’ll show you off, but when y’all are alone and in private she’s mostly affectionate, and at her most vulnerable state

when you teach her how to flip a tortilla she instantly burns her finger, because the comal was hot. “fuck!” that leaves you to helping her with it. but you or maki wouldn’t change a thing

[writereleaserepeat]

This last month I've been enamored by @sowhumpshaped's interactive whump story, "Stray." It came to a beautiful end just a few days ago, and I was inspired to come out of the woodwork long enough to write a little fanfic. Make sure to go read their story before continuing here! It's a lovely work of art and I had so much fun seeing where it went. I miss the daily updates already!

This story is set twenty years after the main storyline of "Stray," and ten years after total pet liberation. It takes place in I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Disneyworld, and it features our MC (you!) meeting a ghost from their past.

CW: mentions of pet whump, second person POV, swearing

WC: ~2250

You run your tongue along the mountain of sweet vanilla cream, savoring its delicate flavor as it slowly melts in your mouth. With how much this ice cream cost, you were determined to enjoy every moment of its blissful respite from the summer heat. The mouse might know how to mark up its sweets, but it wouldn't steal away your enjoyment of this day, not even with an ice cream cone that cost an arm and a leg.

You're pulled from your thoughts by the sight of the ride coming to a halt beyond the fence. The harnesses begin to release and the children start pouring towards the exit, all smiles and laughters as they rush to find their parents on the other side. Your daughter is easy to spot, a tall girl - god, when did she get so tall? - with a glowing, gap-toothed smile.

Much to your surprise, she comes to greet you with another girl in tow, a child whose face reminds you of someone you can't place, their eyes sparkling with a hint of familiarity. A celebrity, maybe?

You don't have any more time to ponder before your daughter begins talking. She holds the other girl’s hand, a child who couldn’t have been a year older than her, and all but pulls her up to greet you.

"This is Delaney, we were on the ride together! She's so nice," Libby speaks in that same pleading tone you're never able to resist. "Please, please, please can we go to the next ride together?"

“I don’t know, sweetheart,” you say as sympathetically as you can, putting a palm on Libby's head. “We need to ask Delaney’s grown-up first.”

“My dad will say it’s okay,” Delaney says with a vigorous nod, “he’s right over there!”

She points towards a man striding in your direction, his hair long, but his gait familiar. As he brushes the hair from in front of his eyes, you freeze. You know those eyes. You’ll never forget those eyes, even if they’re set deeper in wrinkles now.

The world stops. For one painful moment, you don’t even feel your heart beat. It’s like all the air has been sucked out of your lungs.

But it wasn’t. You draw a breath, a deep breath that pushes hard against your ribs. You’re free. All the pets are free now, and they have been free for ten years. It had been another ten years before that since you’d last seen Rayan.

He recognizes you too, you can tell in the way his jaw slackens, dumbfounded. That glitter of recognition continues as he finally stumbles into earshot and his tongue begins to work.

“Thirt-"

“Not in front of my daughter,” you hiss, leaning in towards his ear as you do so. “Not in front of my fucking daughter.” You keep a smile on your face, only just, so your child doesn’t have to see you fall apart before her eyes.

He seems startled, startled enough to shut up for one moment. But silence had never been his strong suit, you could remember that much, the way he'd ramble on and on after his volunteer shifts. You'd always let him talk - not today. The dynamic had shifted. Today, you look him in the eyes as an equal.

“I’m sorry, I-“

“Papa!” Delaney interjects, cutting Rayan off a second time. “I met this girl on the ride, her name’s Libby, she’s super fun, and super nice, and we want to go on another ride together.” She tugs on Rayan’s arm, but he doesn’t look down.

“Actually,” you say, pulling your daughter close to you, “I think we need to go catch up with Libby’s little brother and my partner.”

“Please?” Libby pleads again, staring at you with those doe eyes that always melt your heart. “Just one ride. It can be this one, we can do it again, we don’t even have to walk anywhere.”

Fuck.

What was almost twenty years of therapy worth if you couldn’t stand next to Rayan for another five minutes? You’d imagined talking to him a thousand times over, you’d thought painstakingly about what you’d say to him if you ever could, you'd prayed to his memory as much as you'd cursed it. But now, all you want is to walk away and never look at him again.

No more running. You'd promised yourself that almost two decades ago, and hell if you couldn't carry through with that promise today, especially with a family that needed you.

“Okay,” you concede, forcing a smile at Libby. She would never see you falter, not now, not ever. “You can ride this same ride one more time, just once, and only if you use your QuickCard to skip the line. We don’t want to get too far behind the rest of the family.”

“Sure,” Rayan says, voice measured. He smiles down at Delaney as well, but you can tell it's forced. “You can go too. Don’t forget, you only have three more taps on your QuickCard.”

“That’s okay!” Delaney chirps, already pulling Libby towards the line. “We’re going to have so much fun!”

And as the girls run in a tangle of limbs and laughter back into the ride's entrance, you’re left alone next to Rayan. The silence weighs heavily on your shoulders, and you feel the ice cream beginning to melt between your fingers. Then it's just you and Rayan, alone.

Not literally alone. You two are the furthest from alone you ever could be, stood next to a swinging steel pirate ship, amidst a park milling with tens of thousands of other people. But you can hardly hear the screams, the voices, the mechanical groans of the rides. Rayan’s presence next to you is suffocating.

You say nothing yet. What is there to say? You’ve said it all a million times before. To the shower walls, to your therapist, to the darkened skies in the early dawn. But none of it had ever compared to what you feel right now.

Something like hope begins to itch in your chest. Maybe this would give you closure, real closure, not the metaphorical closing of a book at the end of a therapy session. You've craved closure for so long. Could Rayan finally be this holy grail?

“I’m sorry,” Rayan says. If you didn’t know better, his voice sounded on the verge of breaking. “I’m sorry for everything.”

His swallow is louder than even the most cacophonous thunderstorm. He continues, tripping over his words, falling over himself with every syllable.

“Look, I was just doing my best. I mean, you were a kid, and I was basically still a kid too, and I was doing what I thought was best, just trying to help, you know? It’s been twenty years and I’ve never forgotten your face. And I mean, look at you now, here with your kids, this is what all the freed pets wanted, isn’t it? The chance to live like this?”

In that moment you know what you need from Rayan. It's what you've needed from him all along, even if you couldn't name it before now.

“Say it,” you mumble, struggling to find your voice. That hope for closure, god, you can feel it, you need it, and-

“What?”

“Say it,” you growl, more firmly this time. “You know what I need you to say.”

“Look, thir- whatever name you chose, I don’t know what you want from me.”

You finally look him in the eyes again.

“Say that I’m a person. Tell me that I’m a person.”

“Of course you are,” Rayan begins, and you watch him hold up his hands as he fights against his tongue's knots. “That’s what the Decree says. All pets had their legal status changed to reflect their unequivocal personhood.”

“That’s not what I asked. I know my pet lib history - likely better than you do. I want you to tell me that I, me, the living being standing in front of you, is a person.”

That nervous look in Rayan’s eyes tells you everything you need to know. The pregnant pause that follows is just painful confirmation. There would be no closure here for you today.

“Pathetic.” It takes all of your strength not to slap him in the face. “Twenty years and you haven’t learned a damn thing. The rest of the world has moved on from that nonsense and you can’t take five seconds to pull your head out of your ass.”

“Look," another swallow as Rayan wrings his hands. “Yeah, it’s been ten years, and still, there’s these studies, right? I'm sure they taught you to read in the, uh, the rehabilitation classes. There's studies that shows the pets that were liberated, they just aren't adapting to society as people do, you know? They don't excel at their jobs, they don't succeed in forming traditional family units, they engage in crime and anti-social behavior at much higher rates..."

You scoff and roll your eyes. All you can feel is the bile thick in your throat. Those studies, those lies, that propaganda, it would never stop. And people like Rayan would never stop feeding on it. You knew this, hell, you taught about it, at your community college's pet lib program. There would always be someone with an interest in the tyranny over 'pets,' be it emotional or financial, and it would succeed as long as people like Rayan were stupid enough to buy it.

"Look," Rayan says, putting his hands on the nearby railing as he looks away from you, "all I'm saying is, if you're a good- as good a soul as I think you are, you'd want what's best for your daughter, right? And, and maybe, well, maybe what's best for your family is how things used to be. You don't know for sure that things are better now. What if you're denying your family the chance to be taken care of, to truly thrive? What if they're not meant to be taken care of by, ah, by something like you?"

For a moment you think about striking him. You think about taking him to the ground, right there in the middle of the theme park, and pummeling him senseless. You want to beat that nonsense right out of his skull.

But that would prove his point, wouldn't it?

No. You know you can't do that. You can't wait for your daughter to come back and see your knuckles bloodied, this stranger choking on his own teeeth, your face contorted into an unfamiliar visage of rage. You weren't going to be a monster.

"You disgust me." The words are stickier than honey on your tongue. "Your vapid platitudes mean nothing. Your saviour complex has kept you stuck in the past while the rest of society is growing and learning from our sins. I'll always be grateful that you dragged me out of the trash that one day, and I'll always be grateful that you kept a roof over my head long enough for me to find my liberation. But I owe you nothing, not now, not ever again. I have my personhood - I always have. It's a shame you aren't using yours for something more meaningful."

You see a flash of pink out of the corner of your eye. Libby was coming back, running hand-in-hand with Delaney, that same joyful smile on her face. The smile of a child who had never seen the tyranny of the system you'd oncee been subdued by. The smile of a child who would learn just how important their personhood was, and always would be.

"Libby, darling, we need to go," you say as she comes within earshot. Your tongue is dry and sticky in your throat, and you need a drink of water. Your partner has water, wherever they are in the park now. You want to go to them now, seek the affirmation of everything you'd built in the time since you'd left Rayan behind all those years ago. You want to feel their comforting touch, something to ground you, to remind you of who you are. Who you've always been.

A good person.

Libby seems to wilt a bit, dejectedly dropping Delaney's hand from her own.

"Aw, but-"

"No buts. It's time to see what your brother is up to, and we have a lot of rides to catch before the day is over."

She pauses for a moment, and you can see her thinking it over. After another second she nods, seemingly convinced.

"Okay, as long as you promise to come on the next roller coaster with me."

"I promise," you say, reaching out a pinkie towards her. She hooks her pinkie in yours, and you take the opportunity to pull her close to you, away from Rayan, and away from the child he will undoubtedly raise to think just like him.

"Bye, Delaney! We're friends forever, okay?" Libby shouts over her shoulder as you begin to walk away.

"Bye Libby! Forever!" Delaney replies, giggling as she waves.

Your eyes meet Rayan's one last time. They're clouded with emotion, his lips pressed in a thin line. In spite of yourself, you smile at him once, and turn away.

"Alright, sweetheart," you speak to your daughter as the door to your past slams shut behind you. "Let's go have some more fun. We've got the whole day ahead of us."

[hwa-stars]

Skirt lifter (Chapter 6)

Genre: High-school au, slow burning love, fluff, mention of mature language (+14)

Pairing: non!idol Park Seonghwa x fem!named reader

Summary: In which Park Seonghwa is accused of being a pervert.

Word count: 937

Taglist: @dinossaurz @babigriin @hecateslittlewitchling (if anyone wants to be added to the taglist, please comment)

Seonghwa was greeted by almost every student the we passed by, being next to him making small talk with everyone got me feeling very small.

"Seonghwa!" Someone called from behind.

"What's up Yeonjun." Seonghwa greeted him.

"Coukd you take a look at this? The adviser is asking for the final arrangement." The boy handed him some papers.

They started discussing about the paper, I decided to keep my distance and just waited for him outside. I sat on some benches and tuck my hands in my hoodie, how different Seonghwa and I are.

"You need to stop disappearing on me Pororo." Seonghwa suddenly appeared with his hands resting on his knees.

"Well, I'm still here." I pointed out obviously.

"I meant quit leaving without saying where you're going." I stood up and he looked at me.

"You were talking to someone and I didn't want to interrupt." I started walking ahead.

"You're not an interruption Pororo." He walked beside me "He was the one interrupting" He muttered.

"What did you said?" He shook his head.

"Anyways, where should we get ice cream?"

"We could just get some at a convenience store" I pointed out the nearest store.

"What? No!" He exclaimed.

"Why not?"

"I..." He trailed off looking at anywhere but me. "I don't eat ice cream in a plastic wrapper."

Is he kidding me? What a brat!

"You know they hace cones." I informed him.

"I don't like eating ice cream in cones, it's messy."

"They have them in plastic cups."

"I'm lessening my plastic consume." He blurted out "Save the planet!" He lifted his fist in the air.

"Yeah, we love an environmental advocate." I replied sarcastically.

"Aww, you love Pororo?" He cooed.

"Whatever, so where do you propose we go?" I crossed my arms.

"Let's go to the nearest ice cream store."

"And that would be?"

"It says here that the nearest store is..." He looked at his phone. "In downtown." He said with a smile.

"Are you kidding? That's like an hour from here."

"I know, so quit chatting Pororo." He started walking "We have no timemto wasted."

"Are you sure you want to go all the way there just for an ice cream?" Inasked incredulously.

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I told you, I love ice cream."

☆☆☆☆☆

"I can't believe I'm doing this" I muttered when we take the bus. "Don't you have anything better to do?" I asked Seonghwa as he sit next to me.

"Nope."

"That doesn't mean I don't."

"Well do you have anything?" He glanced at me.

"Shut up." I muttered

"Quit with the whinning Pororo, we're gonna have so much fun."

"We're just gonna get ice cream. Not roam around downtown." I pointed out.

"You can't go to downtown and not roam around Pororo." He looked at me "That's an spoken rule."

"Says who?"

"Me."

☆☆☆☆☆

We managed to get to the ice cream shop, but it was Saturday so it was packed with people.

"Should we go to other store?" I asked

"No, they have th best ice cream in town." Seonghwa scanned the store. "Look Pororo! There's a table, go before someone else takes it." He pointed a couple leaving the table.

I sat down and observed the busy streets of the town, since it was getting dark the stores were turning their lights, illuminating the area. I looked across the street a guy performing and since my spot I had a perfect view and looked in awe at the guy, he was surrounding by a big audience who started clapping as he finished his performance and started getting ready for other song.

Seonghwa came back with two paper cups of ice cream, he set the vanilla one in front of me and he had a rainbow while sitting down next to me.

"You didn't asked what was my order." I said serious.

"Didn't you say at the bus that you like vanilla?"

"It doesn't mean that I was gonna be my order."

"Then, what would have been your order?" He smirked at me while eating his ice cream.

"Nevermind." I muttered and took a scoop of it. "How much is it?"

"It was free, they said it was free ice cream day."

"Oh really?" I asked and look at the counter. "Then why are those people paying?"

"Damn Pororo, let me treat you some ice cream." I shrugged and muttered a thank you.

"He looks hot." I said watching the guy performing again.

"You think he's hot?" Seonghwa shot me a look and I nodded.

"His dance was, all dancers are hot."

"I can do better." He hummed.

"Sure, sweetheart."

"I'm serious."

"I never said otherwise."

We continue watching the guy performance, until Seonghwa stood up from his seat.

"Where are you going?" I called out and he ignored me and exited the store.

Was he leaving me here, after dragging me to this place?"

Then I almost choke with the ice cream as I saw Seonghwa joinning the guy. They started dancing and even the people at the store take a peek at him and true true his words, Seonghwa was better than the guy his face expression change and he looked like a different person, Seonghwa shot me a wink and I blushed.

After a few minutes, Seonghwa came back and the people at the store clapped for him and he bow with a smile.

"Well Pororo?" He greeted me with a biggest smile I've ever seen.

"Your ice cream is melting Seonghwa." I point out the melting ice cream and he only shook his head with the same smile.

[randomly--accessed--memories]

Decided to do some channel surfing of my own and transcribe some real TV snippets to use for Vox's dialogue at some point.

"We’re celebrating the legends."

"–and they pull these people out of the bus one by one. They’re risking their lives, being toppled over by the wind, getting hit, one of these people could easily get killed."

"Goooo England!" "Hi! We’re going away for a while and we wanted you to know where, since you’d worry and wonder."

"Bon Appetit." "Thank you very much. That’s a nice place. Always listen to a gas station attendant. They know where to eat." "Uh huh."

"So that was all taken and analyzed. They mentioned to us, they said, hairbrush, uh, it had *name*’s hair in there, but also found a, uh… synthetic hair."

"–to tell you that your shower doesn’t work as well as you think it does and *name* is clinically proven to work better than a shower with soap. Give *name* a try and see what happens because your body has never been so odor-free as it will be with *name.*"

"–the logistics can get a little crazy. So on the day of the book signing, what happened?" "Well, the books weren’t there." "Okay, then what did you do?" "So I went into overdrive and ran down to *name* and got some–"

"At the moment, it’s going to primarily be me, but after talking to our son and that ability–"

"I remember the little drink from the same bar, in the same bar." "How old were you when you went?" "Twenty-eight. I honestly didn’t prefer that type of beer. I prefer blondes."

"A technician tweaks the machine’s computer program to fine-tune the drop-off coordinates. After all, releasing the cones too soon could cause them to topple."

"Your ears must be burning! Do you think you could do me a favor? Can I get a few more of those pain killers." "Shoulder acting up again?" "Obviously, that’s why I’m calling you."

"Mommy, why did someone kill Daddy?" "People do bad things–"

"Please don’t hate me." "Think I’m gonna go check on the rest of the horses." "I’ll see you around, okay?"

"That balance is key to a healthy gut environment. *Name* plant-based, prebiotic fiber gently nourishes the good bacteria, working with your body to help your gut and you flourish effortlessly every day. Grow what feels good, with *name.*"

"–Man will lend people money the spur of the moment." "You are married to one of the wealthiest women in Georgia. Why do you need to go to a loanshark? All you have to do is ask your wife!"

"A 50% discount on a second one! You get it all! An incredible value! Order now!"

"Yes it is." "Take off your shirt." "Okay." "Oh, we’re gonna need more wax!" "I’m staying, this is gonna be good!"

"Perhaps finding your perfect match. Too good to be true can be true. New *name* cold brew."

"Oh, you don’t know?"

"The prosecution laid out their case using an enormous amount of evidence, including one of the getaway vehicles, the note found in *name*’s house on which the crime stoppers’ tip ID number had been written."

"–could have hoodwinked it. Magic way beyond the talents of a fourth-year!" "You seem to have given this a fair bit of thought, *name*!" "It was once my job to think as dark wizards do, *name*, perhaps you–"

"I swam for about five minutes. The shore wasn’t getting any closer. I felt really weak."

"Our aviary team cares for our shoebill here, currently. Because this animal is going to be living with *name*, our primate team will actually be caring for her, so it’s really important that they work together."

"*Censored* idiot!" "Oh, now I’m an idiot?"

"Step out of their homes and paddle past wild mangrove forests, just as people have been doing on the Florida coast for centuries."

"–the horrors of the first World War that they had to really think the unthinkable." "The mergers creates one of the most prolific car making entities in history. A company that will go on to bring in over one hundred billion dollars."

"Its main objective: go out and rip open the enemy armor like a can opener with an attitude. Fire!"

"May lead to dehydration, which may cause kidney problems." "With *name,* I’m losing weight," "I’m keeping it off," "And I’m lowering my CB risk!" "That’s the power of we!"

"It was a game changer for my patients." "Try *name* mouthwash."

"Why take less when you can get a beefy, five-layer burrito, a chalupa supreme, a double stacked taco, and a drink for just $7?"

"Representative!" "Command unclear. Goodbye." "Hello?" "Flight cancelled." "With *name,* nothing stands between you and what you want to watch. Just say “for you” into your *name* voice remote to jump back into your favorites."

"–in your state have problems with taking that out. That is not Pennsylvania!" "When I went to the judge to get released. Y’all keep playing these games with me!"

"It’s showtime for the *name* tour bus." "Riding on a bus, you have a lot of time. Time to create. That’s what our clients do. They create music."

"–they were given what they considered physical proof. One Alaskan native said that they had ivory to prove it."

"He was actually just saying last night 'Ah! I should’ve ask for something for drinks and wine and things like that.'" "Okay, we’re way ahead of you. We felt the vibes, you know, that kinetic energy. Ha ha ha!"

"Oh, what a beautiful day. So, today’s the day we give the dome back to the *name* family, and we are ready to go. Perfect!"

"*Name* helps me to look on the outside the way I feel on the inside." "When you order *name* today, you get all of this: a $247 value! That’s already an incredible deal at $69.95! But smart shoppers who use the promo code “SAVE20” will get an additional $20 off!"

"–of the United States, because *name* has no other pathway." "Is it winning or is it reducing the amount by which *indecipherable* rural voters? You have a very large rural population."

"You just kinda see through the mirror them seeing themselves for the first time." "That was the start of my new life and it was very emotional."

"Offended me. I heard messages that didn’t sit well with me. Actually– what is his name– Richard, a good old boy. He was a good guy, I liked him."

"Which I will discharge, unconditional, to honor the new president-elect and do everything possible to help him bring Americans together in fulfillment of the great vision that our declaration of independence defines–"

"So, *name* is going to get us to AGI?" "You know, we are committed to making foundational progress, uh, towards AGI and bold and responsible way, and so, you know, focus on the effort to do that."

"But he vows to fight to prove that he had nothing to do with the abduction of convenience store clerk, *name,* back in 1994." "Well, I’d rather die out there than die in here."

"Except that it means people are taking fewer precautions in spreading other STDs. Two other diseases bear mentioning: common illnesses like flu and strep throat have–"

"–information is so impactful is because it has been researched. They understand that these are the messages that are going to break through and seize hold and make people uncomfortable. So I think that one of the things that’s different about the fear mongering now, is that it actually–"

"But the fact is, right after that, she got all types of blowback on social media. Everybody saying 'Oh my God, is she actually a *name* fan?' Which to her– you know, something I love that she did–"

"–double eagle. Each coin is struck in .25 *indecipherable* ounces of .999 pure silver. The final issue price was to be set at $39 per coin, but during this–"

"Look, check my computer, my records, whatever you want. We run a legitimate business here." "You give us permission to search the premises?" "Yes, yes, if you need to. I have nothing to hide."

"So chic, so sleek."

"You’re all clear kid! Now, let’s blow this thing and go home!" "Great shot, kid! That was one in a million!" "Remember, the Force will be with you, always."

"Over two grand! See how much you can save when you dare to compare! In store or at *name*.com"

"At *name,* we know that not all paint is created equal. So they do it right. Start with our most durable paint–"

"For a limited time, *name* just dropped the price of every foot-long in the app to $6.99! Wait, *name* did what?! $6.99 foot-long?!"

"Who. did. this?" "We did. One way or another, *name* always gets his man. And like that, they were gone."

"Who are you? What’s your phone nu–" "What’d I miss?" "The cases of *name*: all new, Friday at 9:00. On *name.*"

"Yeah. Yeah, it was so nice to meet you all. Buddy, come on, let’s do this." "Thanks to my awesome team, we were able to make this house look so cool, and we got a strong offer of $360,000."

"–outside my door / Hello / Is it me you’re looking for?"

"*Name*! I don’t have much time *name,* so let me get straight to it. Did you or did you not put your name into the *name*?" "No!" "Shh! I had to ask."

"–separate and equally important groups. The police, who investigate crime, and the district attorneys, who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories."

"I think *name* understands me. When I’m speaking to her, she cuts me off, or she’ll be like 'No, no. I know, I know, I know.'" "Ooo, that’s not good. Where do you think this is going to end up?" "I don’t know, but they have to talk it out!"

"This house has its challenges, but they wouldn’t trade it for the world." "Heyyyy! It’s looking good!" "Yeah, it’s gettin’ there, right?" "Yeah, babe!"

"It’s these moments at the table with family and friends– "perfect!" –that matter most."

"Just like the Bermuda Triangle, the Alaska Triangle is a place of mysterious events and unexplained phenomena. And one of the strangest stories has emerged from the depths–"

"What an *censored*! Can you imagine having that guy on your tail? 'Yeah, I might be going slow, but you’re behind me, *censored*!'" "I look into the viewfinder like–"

"–ample way of moving your couch around?" "Nuh-uh. It’s an exercise class where you punch and you kick til you can’t think of anything else no more. No, uh, no, actually. Punch, kick, kick, squats!"

"Beautiful is an understatement, *name*, and it’s also one of the best bodies of water in the nation. Look at those day one waits for our top ten." "Yeah, very much, uh, tightly grouped there in the top ten. *Name* on top."

"–team to the Super Bowl. I think *name* hit upon it, and last night was a perfect of. That *name*'s offense is–"

[captainknell]

*BOOK REVIEW*

Alright. This is gonna be a long review so bear with me. If you want the short version, here you go: it's great and you should read it! If you want the long version, see below :)

So I had my misgivings about the summary before reading. But I'm glad I gave it a chance. Never judge a book by its... summary? Because the cover is lovely! ( @suburbanbeatnik aka @trashpoppaea )

Here's a bit of summary from me, but I don't want to go too far and give away anything: So the story is about a young woman named Amelie who is the daughter of Napoleon's chef. She is a kitchen maid that also does some gardening of herbs and things. She is 19 at the beginning of the story when they all first arrive on the island of exile, St. Helena. She is an aspiring writer of erotic stories, despite being a virgin. She wants Napoleon to take notice of her and begins singing in hopes that he will hear. He does! He proposes that she do lessons and she begins her friendship with Napoleon. Over the course of the book, the friendship becomes more and she longs to be his mistress. People try to dissuade the relationship, especially her father, who knows there is something inappropriate in their supposed innocent friendship. Count Montholon and his wife become very jealous that a kitchen maid is taking all of Napoleon's attention away from them. Even Napoleon, although he desires Amelie, respects her and wants to "keep her pure" despite all the rumors that are flying around the island about them. There are also secret plots of escape and maybe even someone attempting to poison the Emperor. I'll stop there so I don't ruin everything ;)

Personal connections: I think I connect to this book and Amelie is particular because I too was once a teenage girl trying to write a book about things I hadn't yet experienced. 🫣 Throughout the book she mentions what her characters are doing and it parallels her changing relationship with Napoleon. That's a very real thing. When your book is based off of real people and you are mad at them, the characters reflect that. I thought it was a nice touch.

Historical aspects: Amazing! Let me tell you, the moment that the desk was mentioned, I cried like the sentimental silly goose that I am. (I have an obsession with Napoleon's desk from St. Helena, if you don't know lol.) Also it's mentioned how big and spacious Napoleon's tub is and I thought that was a realistic detail to point out. As someone who has bathed in one of his marble tubs, it's so real. Like I thought a tub was a tub until I experienced that one. (Yeah I'm kinda obsessed with the tub, too.) I looked up what his tub there looked like and I'll put a picture at the end, but it's a copper tub. Another thing I noticed, was mention of the sugar cone. It could have just said Amelie got some sugar, the end. But back then that's how sugar was sold and I thought it was such a nice touch. I felt like I was really there, experiencing the desk, the tub, the sugar cone, the island, the time period. No one would notice if she hadn't included these details, but I certainly noticed them being there and appreciate the research.

Characters: And I thought it was impossible to hate anyone more than Sir Hudson Lowe on that forsaken rock! Well this book has me hating Montholon and especially his wife, Albine. This book goes with the poison theory that was getting me shot down in my review of Alan Schom's book. I'm just saying I'm not 100% convinced against it still. 🤷‍♀️ (Maybe I'm on board since I spent some of my childhood believing that I was being poisoned while suffering a mysterious stomach ailment?) But also, where are Gourgaud and Las Cases? They were not in the book, nor was Betsy Balcombe? I suspect that Amelie was like an alternate, older substitute for her based on the friendship that she and Napoleon shared before the sexual aspects of the book took place.

The end: Ugh I want so badly to make some comments on that but I will refrain! If you've read it, message me and I'll say what I want to say about it if you want.

Anyways I highly recommend it! I was a little embarrassed by the romance aspects at first, as I've never read a book like that before 😳 my husband was laughing at me lol but here's the picture of the copper tub I promised!

[halothenthehorns]

Chapter 10: I BREAK A FEW ROCKET SHIPS

Jeez, already half done and the quest only just now officially started. I can't get over how strangely short these books are.

PJOPJOPJO

"Zombies made you hungry?" Percy cracked a grin at her. "Really Rachel?"

"I've heard an awful lot about those magical fridges," she nodded seriously. "Show me around Perce?"

"There's not much to show," but he very reluctantly set the book back aside and agreed to show her out.

Thalia watched them go with a guilty sense of relief. She was well aware Annabeth used to be greatly jealous of Rachel, but they had recently made friends, and Percy had never looked twice at the frizzy redhead after he and Annabeth kissed under that lake.

No, it wasn't guilt her little sister's boyfriend was off smiling, reluctantly, but one that had been missing all morning with another girl.

It was guilty relief for Percy being gone for just a moment. Not pissed at her this time.

She didn't know what else she could do to help but hope Rachel eased the tension that hadn't left his face since he remembered Annabeth going over that cliff.

So distracted was she intently watching the door, ears trained for the slightest peep of unease that she might need to intervene if Percy lost it again and their Oracle needed a save, she didn't notice someone flopping down in Percy's abandoned seat until he spoke to her.

"You knew I didn't belong here too, didn't you?"

She dragged her eyes away from one pseudo pain in the butt little brother, to a blonde-haired, blue-eyed guy from California with a scar on his lip watching her with that same inquisitive face that asked every day why the sky was changing colors and when he could watch it happen again.

Halcyon Green was nuts, a mad old demigod out to torment them... She remembered how different her dad had been the second time he'd come around, more formal, and how Jason used Roman god's names so casually... it wasn't possible...

"Huh?" She asked, realizing he'd said something else.

"I asked if you were okay," he murmured gently. There was a wavering to the way he spoke now, his curiosity reigning in here most of the time, but occasionally like now still slipping into the stiff, confused tones of when he'd first come down here. He most definitely came across as a concerned leader asking after a prisoner of war right now.

"No," she admitted. "You're like a ghost to me," she put on a brave smile that didn't fool him one bit. "Don't worry about it. Yes, I suspected something was off about you, but it's so strange and unique. I can't fathom how you've survived so long on your own. Percy, well, the gods shouldn't have allowed you to be your age without you being at camp. It'll be explained later. Something about you is..." she couldn't finish, she didn't know how to articulate the insane possibility before her.

He looked disappointed, but not surprised.

"If Rachel has a gut feeling about you then I trust her," she waved vaguely to where Alex and Magnus were having another ASL study session. Annabeth's cousin whom she'd never mentioned, family whom she was never comfortable talking about. She was being foolish, Oceanus was to dense to have connected lost relatives together on anything more than an accident. "We'll figure out what your story is Jason, I promise the Hunters will search the corners of the globe to figure it out when we get out of here." Nobody should have to live like Percy was now.

"Thanks," he whispered, but there was no hint of relief in his troubled, stiff mouth. She swallowed as he kept watching her, as if still waiting for her to spill the rest of her secrets to this mirror of a stranger. 

It wasn't possible, it couldn't be possible. 

Beryl Grace had said he was dead...but she was a drunk who went crazy on her own beauty for catching the same god's attention twice...the very same god?

"You can stay," Thalia said firmly when Rachel and Percy came back eating ice cream cones. Will and Nico had gone back and forth too, though the Norse kids hadn't. They'd also been snacking the entire time they were here and hoarding food in all pockets of their clothes, so clearly that silent conversation had taken precedence this time. "Drag that beanbag over here, I don't bite."

Jason stalled, gave her a cautious smile, and then did exactly that as he dragged the woven cushion to her other side without unraveling a single seaweed from it.

Thalia's suspicions weren't soothed though, as something clicked into place when she turned a curious frown on the Son of Hades. 'You knew too'... Had Jason just been talking about Rachel? If Jason was the very same Jason back from the dead, could Nico have something to do with it? That boy was always off doing his own thing...if he knew something-

Alex laughed flamboyantly as always at the new chapter title Percy read. "One is never enough with you!"

"Break them how though?" Jason asked the real question while his scar wiggled at his twitching smile. "Over somebody's head? The security for yelling at you?"

"Can you set those on fire?" Magnus grinned along. "The one thing I would have thought would be safe from Percy's talent."

Thalia was to busy trying to muffle a laugh at the look on that Nemon Lion's face when Percy had thrown space food in its mouth to laugh along, but it wasn't exactly subtle. Nico wasn't going anywhere anymore than them, and Percy's distress was her priority right now.

"Oh, oo," Will started bouncing in his seat in excitement and Nico watched him with interest, "did you know Colin Cantwell designed the ships for both Star War's and A Space Odyssey! I hope they have a replica of one of his models in there!"

"They redid the Odyssey in space?" Nico asked blankly. Will's smile somehow got brighter every time he found out he got to show Nico something new.

"You see what I've had to go through," Percy waved at them while looking pleadingly at Rachel for some sanity to insist they don't linger on these silly things.

She merely smiled back, and said, "do you have any idea how expensive those are Percy? I'm so proud of you!"

"You're all hopeless," but he couldn't help laughing along too.

I tore across the Mall, not daring to look behind me. I burst into the Air and Space Museum and took off my invisibility cap once I was through the admissions area.

The main part of the museum was one huge room with rockets and airplanes hanging from the ceiling. Three levels of balconies curled around, so you could look at the exhibits from all different heights. The place wasn't crowded, just a few families and a couple of tour groups of kids, probably doing one of those holiday school trips. I wanted to yell at them all to leave, but I figured that would only get me arrested.

"Speaking from experience?" Rachel asked.

"I've never actually been arrested," Percy vaguely answered. Gabe had threatened to send him to juvie on more than one occasion, and that wasn't a threat he'd ever taken lightly.

 "You could have just pulled the fire alarm," Magnus reminded, "always a surefire way to get people to evacuate."

"I wanted all those people to flee the state, they would just huddle around the building and get more people there," Percy huffed.

I had to find Thalia and Grover and the Hunters. Any minute, the skeleton dudes were going to invade the museum, and I didn't think they would settle for an audio tour.

"Not everyone shares the same hobbies," Will nodded seriously.

"Someone needs to tell Oceanus that," Percy grumbled.

I ran into Thalia—literally. I was barreling up the ramp to the top-floor balcony and slammed into her, knocking her into an Apollo space capsule.

"I bet your dad has a piece of himself there every day and brags to all the other gods about it," Nico grinned.

"I'm pretty sure he claimed once at least half of NASA were descendants of his," Will agreed.

Grover yelped in surprise.

Before I could regain my balance, Zoe and Bianca had arrows notched, aimed at my chest. Their bows had just appeared out of nowhere.

When Zoe realized who I was, she didn't seem anxious to lower her bow. "You! How dare you show thy face here?"

"Never crossed her mind for a second he was innocently and conveniently on a field trip there?" Magnus smirked.

"No," Thalia rolled her eyes at being on the same page as Zoe, again.

"Percy!" Grover said. "Thank goodness."

Zoe glared at him, and he blushed. "I mean, um, gosh. You're not supposed to be here!"

"Geez, who knew you'd get the kid in the divorce," Percy told Thalia.

"You were saving that joke when he was held by Polyphemus, weren't you?" Thalia grinned.

"That's not the point," he scoffed.

"Luke," I said, trying to catch my breath. "He's here."

The anger in Thalia's eyes immediately melted. She put her hand on her silver bracelet.

"If anyone deserves to be bashed in the face with that shield, it's him," Alex nodded in savage agreement.

Thalia was doing so again in here, but Percy and Jason suspected that troubled look contained more hurt and memories than a bashing was forthcoming.

"Where?"

I told them about the Natural History Museum, Dr. Thorn, Luke, and the General.

"The General is here?" Zoe looked stunned. "That is impossible! You lie."

"Why would I lie?

Percy spoke in tandem with the book, and Thalia couldn't stop a laugh at the exact same level of indignation.

Jason gave a concerned whistle though. "Her mistrust of you runs deeper than I originally thought, I don't even know if it's safe for you to be on this quest. She might desert you at the first chance."

"Don't care," Percy said at once. If he had to dog, track, and hopscotch his way after their every move he would just to get one step closer to finding Annabeth.

Thalia frowned at Jason, wanting to defend Zoe, but knowing she couldn't yet. It wasn't a wrong assumption, just incomplete data of who her predecessor really was.

Look, there's no time. Skeleton warriors—"

"What?" Thalia demanded. "How many?"

"Twelve," I said. "And that's not all. That guy, the General, he said he was sending something, a 'playmate,' to distract you over here. A monster."

Thalia and Grover exchanged looks.

"We were following Artemis's trail," Grover said. "I was pretty sure it led here. Some powerful monster scent... She must've stopped here looking for the mystery monster. But we haven't found anything yet."

"Zoe," Bianca said nervously, "if it is the General—"

"It cannot be!" Zoe snapped. "Percy must have seen an Iris-message or some other illusion."

Jason felt a flicker of unease why Zoe seemed so adamant of where this guy should and shouldn't be. Was it all distrust of the boy being unreliable, or did she have some actual knowledge she was withholding?

"Illusions don't crack marble floors," I told her.

Zoe took a deep breath, trying to calm herself. I didn't know why she was taking it so personally, or how she knew this General guy, but I figured now wasn't the time to ask.

"For once I have to agree," Magnus gave a surly nod. The one time he understood why someone couldn't just spout the answer already.

Jason's unease only rose though what she wasn't saying about this guy, and hoped it hadn't gotten anybody killed.

"If Percy is telling the truth about the skeleton warriors," she said, "we have no time to argue. They are the worst, the most horrible... We must leave now."

"Good idea," I said.

"I was not including thee, boy," Zoe said. "You are not part of this quest."

Percy winced without surprise, he hadn't needed Jason to remind him he was unwanted, and Zoe wasn't going to make it easy on him. His conviction to gawk these Hunters like a satyr was as strong as ever.

"Hey, I'm trying to save your lives!"

"You shouldn't have come, Percy," Thalia said grimly. "But you're here now. Come on. Let's get back to the van."

"I accept that," Percy sighed with a reluctant smile at Thalia. At least she wasn't calling him a liar and telling him to leave too.

She gave him a much quicker smile back and let out another breath of ease. Percy had never been good at holding grudges against his friends.

"That is not thy decision!" Zoe snapped.

Thalia scowled at her. "You're not the boss here, Zoe. I don't care how old you are! You're still a conceited little brat!"

"You never had any wisdom when it came to boys," Zoe growled. "You never could leave them behind!"

Thalia looked like she was about to hit Zoe.

"That's not a match I want to see," Will winced. If Percy and Thalia had nearly destroyed their camp, those two probably would have leveled the state.

It would never come to that now, and Thalia swallowed old, bitter tears how much she still hated Zoe for being right about that. She wouldn't learn her lesson any time soon either, she wasn't leaving here without her friend.

Then everyone froze, I heard a growl so loud I thought one of the rocket engines was starting up.

Below us, a few adults screamed. A little kid's voice screeched with delight: "Kitty!"

"I'm guessing it's not the cute baby sabers back?" Magnus asked uneasily.

"What are the odds of Space Kitty on display?" Rachel sighed, knowing chances weren't in her favor.

Something enormous bounded up the ramp. It was the size of a pick-up truck, with silver claws and golden glittering fur. I'd seen this monster once before. Two years ago, I'd glimpsed it briefly from a train.

"Does everything in the past come to bite me in the ass?" Percy demanded.

Thalia didn't answer, which felt like an answer he didn't want to hear anyways.

Now, up close and personal, it looked even bigger.

"The Nemean Lion," Thalia said. "Don't move."

"It's not a t-rex!" Will yelped.

Nico let out an impressed whistle though and whispered the Nemean Lion's card stats, that had been the first rare card he ever got. "What's this have to do with dinosaurs?" He found himself being gratefully distracted from his past to ask. He wondered if Will heard the curiosity in his voice, he loved dinosaurs too and had slept in more than one museum in a spinosaurus exhibit.

Will gave him a promising smile and said, "it's another movie you have to watch."

He was clearly compiling a list in his head, and Nico couldn't think of a downside to that for a moment...right Tartarus.

The lion roared so loud it parted my hair. Its fangs gleamed like stainless steel.

Rachel's eyes widened in awe, and her hands spasmed in frustration she couldn't be reaching for something to sketch that image right now.

"What did his breath smell like?" Alex asked with interest.

Percy considered for a moment with a wrinkled nose. "Tires, catnip, and death."

"An extravagant new cologne I'm sure," Thalia snorted.

"Does he chase cars down the freeway?" Nico asked, keeping to himself how smug he used to be when he played a hellhound against this card as a sacrifice move to summon Cerberus, though he'd never do that to Mrs. O'Leary now. They might be terrifying playmates.

"I didn't ask," Percy snorted.

"Separate on my mark," Zoe said. "Try to keep it distracted."

"Until when?" Grover asked.

"Until I think of a way to kill it. Go!"

"That's a great answer," Jason begrudgingly approved.

I uncapped Riptide and rolled to the left. Arrows whistled past me, and Grover played a sharp tweet-tweet cadence on his reed pipes.

"Is he trying to distract him with bird calls?" Magnus yelped.

"Not a bad strategy," Nico smirked as he imagined a skeleton bird hopping around.

I turned and saw Zoe and Bianca climbing the Apollo capsule. They were firing arrows, one after another, all shattering harmlessly against the lions metallic fur. The lion swiped the capsule and tipped it on its side, spilling the Hunters off the back. Grover played a frantic, horrible tune, and the lion turned toward him, but Thalia stepped into its path, holding up Aegis, and the lion recoiled. "ROOOAAAR!"

"I don't need Grover's translation for that one," Will muttered.

"Hi-yah!" Thalia said. "Back!"

The lion growled and clawed the air, but it retreated as if the shield were a blazing fire.

For a second, I thought Thalia had it under control. Then I saw the lion crouching, its leg muscles tensing. I'd seen enough cat fights in the alleys around my apartment in New York. I knew the lion was going to pounce.

"Confirmed, Percy likes watching the kittens wiggle their tails," Thalia, as usual, seemed the least concerned about the whole impending doom of them all almost dying, especially herself.

"You've clearly never heard an actual cat fight," Percy shook his head with dread in his stomach. Those deep cat hisses with their fur on end that sent shivers up his spine, their claws ripping off chunks of ear and matting themselves in blood. It was brutal, and Thalia would have been a goner.

"Hey!" I yelled. I don't know what I was thinking, but I charged the beast.

"There's that phrase again," Jason said in exasperation. If this guy ever thought before he moved he might be unstoppable. Even as an impulsive lunatic he was pretty close.

Rachel looked at Percy in admiration his heroics were such an ingrained part of him and tried to map out a color wheel in her mind which would best be used to depict that.

I just wanted to get it away from my friends. I slashed with Riptide, a good strike to the flank that should've cut the monster into Meow Mix, but the blade just clanged against its fur in a burst of sparks.

"And dropping a rocket on its head will do the trick?" Alex asked, though she could now easily imagine why all the breaking came into play.

"Why was a Fury one of the easiest things to kill and she still terrified the piss out of me?" Magnus asked. He'd really like it if each of these things stopped having a gimmicky way they needed to die! Especially another magical beast...as he wondered about those wolves again- nope. One trauma at a time, and Alex was already studying him again for the new stress in his voice.

The lion raked me with its claws, ripping off a chunk of my coat. I backed against the railing. It sprang at me, one thousand pounds of monster, and I had no choice but to turn and jump.

"Plunge to the death the sequel?" Nico muttered. He was proud of himself though he was no longer sitting like a jaw-dropped idiot Percy hadn't managed to fell this beast in one swoop. It wasn't even because he was distracted wondering what his sister would have had to say about Percy being there before they were interrupted.

I landed on the wing of an old-fashioned silver airplane, which pitched and almost spilled me to the floor, three stories below.

An arrow whizzed past my head. The lion jumped onto the aircraft, and the cords holding the plane began to groan.

The lion swiped at me, and I dropped onto the next exhibit, a weird-looking spacecraft with blades like a helicopter. I looked up and saw the lion roar—inside its maw, a pink tongue and throat.

Its mouth, I thought. Its fur was completely invulnerable, but if I could strike it in the mouth...

"Throw your sword in there!" Jason and Alex yelled at once.

"Do I look like I do javelin events for fun?" Percy protested. "Then I'd be unarmed until it came back!"

"That's a really good idea though Percy," Thalia said with a brilliant smile. She didn't even sound insultingly surprised. Who knew looking into the maw of death could ever cause a good idea? "I promise I won't tell PETA on you."

"You're one to talk, Huntress," Percy chuckled along now.

The only problem was, the monster moved too quickly. Between its claws and fangs, I couldn't get close without getting sliced to pieces.

"Zoe!" I shouted. "Target the mouth!"

The monster lunged. An arrow zipped past it, missing completely, and I dropped from the spaceship onto the top of a floor exhibit, a huge model of the earth. I slid down Russia and dropped off the equator.

Thalia winced now though, at the casual reminder Percy had dropped off the face of the Earth and Annabeth was still out there losing her mind with worry.

The Nemean Lion growled and steadied itself on the spacecraft, but its weight was too much. One of the cords snapped. As the display swung down like a pendulum, the lion leaped off onto the model earth's North Pole.

"Grover!" I yelled. "Clear the area!"

Groups of kids were running around screaming. Grover tried to corral them away from the monster just as the other cord on the spaceship snapped and the exhibit crashed to the floor. Thalia dropped off the second-floor railing and landed across from me, on the other side of the globe.

Alex tried her hardest not to bust out laughing the two were the opposite of polar opposites of each other back then when they were after the same goal. The problem was they were too similar.

The lion regarded us both, trying to decide which of us to kill first.

Zoe and Bianca were above us, bows ready, but they kept having to move around to get a good angle.

"No clear shot!" Zoe yelled. "Get it to open its mouth more!"

The lion snarled from the top of the globe.

I looked around. Options. I needed...

The gift shop. I had a vague memory from my trip here as a little kid. Something I'd made my mom buy me, and I'd regretted it. If they still sold that stuff...

"Thalia," I said, "keep it occupied."

"Oh come on, now even you're doing it!" Magnus groaned. Annabeth wasn't even in danger and he was still on the edge of his seat, wide eyed to hear what was next. He hadn't even freaked out over a metal-coated lion being around, that much.

Alex was almost disappointed he finally seemed to be adapting to this world. She missed his dumbstruck face almost as much as she enjoyed watching him get invested in these.

She nodded grimly.

"Hi-yah!" She pointed her spear and a spidery arc of blue electricity shot out, zapping the lion in the tail.

"That is one way to keep it occupied," Rachel agreed proudly.

"And help it decide who to kill first," Jason said faintly.

"ROOOOOOOAR!" The lion turned and pounced. Thalia rolled out of its way, holding up Aegis to keep the monster at bay, and I ran for the gift shop.

"This is no time for souvenirs, boy!" Zoe yelled.

"I don't know what she's on about," Alex scoffed, "I would kill for a lion throw rug right now."

"I don't think The Air and Space Museum sells those," Magnus helpfully reminded. "Unless there really is a space kitty on display and we've been lied to about a lot more than aliens."

"I'm withholding judgment," Alex shrugged.

"Why is it every time I come up with a plan people are calling me crazy or think I'm fleeing?" Percy protested.

"No faith," Will agreed sympathetically. He didn't even know what Percy was up to and he knew it would help.

I dashed into the shop, knocking over rows of T-shirts, jumping over tables full of glowin-the-dark planets and space ooze. The sales lady didn't protest. She was too busy cowering behind her cash register.

There! On the far wall—glittery silver packets. Whole racks of them. I scooped up every kind I could find and ran out of the shop with an armful.

"That explained nothing!" Magnus groaned as he looked at Percy in betrayal.

For once though Percy wasn't disturbing the water or them with it as he read he was so invested in this, and his nose was still scrunched up like that cat breath lingered in memory, so Magnus wasn't too put out Percy wasn't trying to give them a play by play detail of how fast he'd been moving by launching them into the wall again.

Zoe and Bianca were still showering arrows on the monster, but it was no good. The lion seemed to know better than to open its mouth too much. It snapped at Thalia, slashing with its claws. It even kept its eyes narrowed to tiny slits.

Thalia jabbed at the monster and backed up. The lion pressed her.

"Percy," she called, "whatever you're going to do—"

The lion roared and swatted her like a cat toy, sending her flying into the side of a Titan rocket.

"Hopefully not ominous," Percy muttered as he glanced at her now, though she hardly looked winded at the old injury.

Her head hit the metal and she slid to the floor.

"Hey!" I yelled at the lion. I was too far away to strike, so I took a risk: I hurled Riptide like a throwing knife. It bounced off the lion's side, but that was enough to get the monster's attention. It turned toward me and snarled.

Percy swallowed and reminded himself not to clench his fists. "Are you two happy now, I threw the sword!"

"Yes, please continue taking my advice," Alex nodded sagely.

"No, because now you're right and you don't have a weapon and you're about to be Meow Mix," Jason sighed.

"There's no pleasing everybody," Will snorted.

There was only one way to get close enough. I charged, and as the lion leaped to intercept me, I chunked a space food pouch into its maw—a chunk of cellophane-wrapped, freeze-dried strawberry parfait.

"Everybody loves parfait," Percy proudly announced like that explained everything.

It did not, but Percy didn't give them the chance to argue the point as he kept reading in the same way.

The lion's eyes got wide and it gagged like a cat with a hairball.

"Naww," Magnus said with a genuine smile like he actually found that cute.

"You have clearly never heard a cat hack up a hairball," Percy shook his head. "It's disgusting, and I almost feel bad for doing that to him. I once was him."

I couldn't blame it. I remembered feeling the same way when I'd tried to eat space food as a kid. The stuff was just plain nasty.

"Fascinating," Alex declared, and then got up unprompted and left the room. There was a few beats of silence, the sound of gagging and then a toilet flushing, before Alex flopped back into her seat beside Magnus and assured, "and agreed, that stuff should burn. Continue."

Percy decided to take her advice again before anyone else got brave enough to subject themselves to that.

"Zoe, get ready!" I yelled.

Behind me, I could hear people screaming. Grover was playing another horrible song on his pipes.

"Remind me to record some of Grover's songs to add to my playlist," Rachel smiled his music would fit perfectly to how Percy kept describing her taste.

I scrambled away from the lion. It managed to choke down the space food packet and looked at me with pure hate.

"Snack time!" I yelled.

It made the mistake of roaring at me, and I got an ice-cream sandwich in its throat.

Fortunately, I had always been a pretty good pitcher, even though baseball wasn't my game.

"Basketball is throwing something into a hoop, same principle right?" Nico asked.

"Nico, you poor guy." Percy looked at him mortally offended now. "What planet are you from to think such a thing?"

Nico wasn't particularly offended, he was used to not getting the majority of what the other Camper's said, and for once it didn't sting like fresh scorpion pit venom to hear that coming from Percy. It still didn't feel great either.

Will smoothly intervened, "and you wouldn't know the horn from a stirrup in a saddle Percy, moving on."

The blank look on Percy's face proved Will's point enough he did as asked while Nico gave him a grateful smile. Will's heart skipped a beat, and for once he was grateful nobody had ever listened to him about putting saddles on those Pegasus when riding.

Before the lion could stop gagging, I shot in two more flavors of ice cream and a freeze-dried spaghetti dinner.

The lion's eyes bugged. It opened its mouth wide and reared up on its back paws, trying to get away from me.

"I have tamed the beast!" Percy cheered, fist-pumping the water with the book in hand and shooting up a geyser into the ceiling, creating another crack. It made dust dribble down on them for a moment, but Percy kept reading without concern.

Lucky him, he probably wouldn't die if this place collapsed. None of them were so sure if their protection would linger outside these walls.

"Now!" I yelled.

Immediately, arrows pierced the lion's maw—two, four, six. The lion thrashed wildly, turned, and fell backward. And then it was still.

Alarms wailed throughout the museum. People were flocking to the exits. Security guards were running around in a panic with no idea what was going on.

Grover knelt at Thalia's side and helped her up. She seemed okay, just a little dazed.

Zoe and Bianca dropped from the balcony and landed next to me.

Zoe eyed me cautiously. "That was... an interesting strategy."

"Hercules should be begging you for tips," Thalia proudly agreed, though she was grateful she'd kept the comment to herself back then. Percy smiled at her, when she wasn't so sure he would have back then.

Not to mention Zoe might have stabbed her on the spot.

"Hey, it worked."

She didn't argue.

The lion seemed to be melting, the way dead monsters do sometimes, until there was nothing left but its glittering fur coat, and even that seemed to be shrinking to the size of a normal lion's pelt.

"Take it," Zoe told me.

I stared at her. "What, the lion's fur? Isn't that, like, an animal rights violation or something?"

"Only if you don't use the whole animal," Magnus grinned, "the rest of the animal melted, don't let what's left go to waste Perce."

"Duly noted, especially if one of Artemis's girls are telling me," Percy chuckled.

"It is a spoil of war," she told me. "It is rightly thine."

"You killed it," I said.

She shook her head, almost smiling. "I think thy ice-cream sandwich did that.

"I would concur with Zoe," Thalia pretended to shiver in revulsion just to keep up a charade to Percy her old dislike. "I was concussed at the time and saw you poison that poor kitty."

"Payback for the time my mom once tried to take in a stray and it pissed on my bed," Percy said innocently, though in honesty he'd never held a grudge and had snuck it out scraps when Gabe kicked the animal out after it pissed on his pillow too.

Fair is fair, Percy Jackson. Take the fur."

I lifted it up; it was surprisingly light. The fur was smooth and soft. It didn't feel at all like something that could stop a blade. As I watched, the pelt shifted and changed into a coat—a full-length golden-brown duster.

"Howdy, howdy, howdy," Alex burst out laughing, she'd loved Toy Story as a kid.

"It's to bad you never got a hat to go with it," Thalia said with a strange smile, it almost looked forced. That getup had saved his life, and it made her sick to her stomach just thinking about mocking him for it now.

Nico gave Percy a forlorn smile as he said, "I can't imagine why you ever gave that up," though he was glad he had. As if this could get any more perfect, cowboys and pirates all bundled up into one Percy.

Percy gave him the same strange look as ever like he was speaking a different language. Nico flushed and looked away with guilt, he hadn't meant to provoke Percy's memories. Thankfully he didn't flip out, so it wasn't something else he was going to inevitably be blamed for.

"Not exactly my style," I murmured.

"We have to get out of here," Grover said. "The security guards won't stay confused for long."

I noticed for the first time how strange it was that the guards hadn't rushed forward to arrest us. They were scrambling in all directions except ours, like they were madly searching for something. A few were running into the walls or each other.

Will was the only one trying to suppress a smile at that, he felt bad for the mortals, but not bad enough he wanted Percy getting caught.

"Oh my gods!" Alex burst out laughing hardest of all. "I will pay that satyr to teach me that!"

"On yourself or innocent civilians?" Magnus asked sincerely.

"Why not both!" She beamed.

"I'm sure he'll get right on that," Percy agreed.

"You did that?" I asked Grover.

He nodded, looking a little embarrassed. "A minor confusion song. I played some Barry Manilow. It works every time. But it'll only last a few seconds."

"The security guards are not our biggest worry," Zoe said. "Look."

Through the glass walls of the museum, I could see a group of men walking across the lawn. Gray men in gray camouflage outfits. They were too far away for us to see their eyes, but I could feel their gaze aimed straight at me.

"To bad you couldn't feed them to the lion," Thalia scowled, she still remembered her heart skipping a beat every time those menaces showed up.

"Go," I said. "They'll be hunting me. I'll distract them."

"No," Zoe said. "We go together."

I stared at her. "But, you said—"

"You are part of this quest now," Zoe said grudgingly. "I do not like it, but there is no changing fate. You are the fifth quest member. And we are not leaving anyone behind."

"It only took you literally saving her life to admit it," Rachel chuckled as she offered to take the book from Percy.

He seemed reluctant to hand it over. He hadn't gotten any news about Annabeth in this one, what Luke was doing to her, how she was recovering. In this instance he didn't think no news would be good news. He'd figure out how to work a fax machine for a few letters again, take a pigeon message, anything!

If he started kicking up a fuss about wanting to read this though, he was worried he'd start losing it over everything again. He really was trying so hard to keep it together, so he passed the peeling, purple, battered, and bruised, key to his heart over to her.

[potsmart]

Ground Weed and Pre-Rolls Explode in Popularity in Canada… Southern Neighbours Still Not So Sure

In the past, cannabis consumers generally preferred to buy their weed whole and grind it themselves. However, it seems that in Canada, this is changing, and more and more consumers are now willing to purchase pre-ground cannabis, which was once considered “mids,” or worse, “Boof.” Heady bois groan from their studio apartments in Denver, but as mentioned earlier on this site, fans of pre-ground flower have no time for that negativity. Consumers are voting with their wallets.

It shouldn’t need defining, but here we go, pre-ground or milled weed is available in a ready-to-use form, which can be easily poured into your vape, pipe, or pre-rolled cone.

According to data generated by Seattle-based cannabis researchers Headset Analytics, pre-ground cannabis had a rather negligible presence in the burgeoning Canadian market at the start of 2020. However, fast forward and by December 2022, it occupied a significant share at 7.3% of Canadians’ flower purchases. This data was obtained through tracking in Ontario, Alberta, British Columbia, and Saskatchewan and reported by MJBizDaily.

“That’s very, very much a significant portion of the highest-revenue category,” Headset Analytics Manager Cooper Ashley said.

What’s more is that brands are growing devoted fanbases who come back and ask for them by name.

“We were, in my opinion, probably a month too late jumping on that trend, even though customers were asking us for it,” said Cavion, founder of two Calyx + Trichomes stores in Kingston, Ontario.

Perhaps another boost to purchases of pre-ground bud is infused products. It’s becoming more common on shelves and delivery menus all over the world to see massive selections of infused pre-ground and pre-rolls. This gives the product that little extra kick chronic chronic smokers like. Growers used to throw out their trim. Now they grind it up with bud, pack it into pre-rolls that they roll in trim bin kief and sell at a premium. It’s really a win-win. People love the product, growers get to turn what once was waste into gold.

Apart from its convenience, there are several other advantages to purchasing pre-ground weed. One such benefit is the price point, and you know stoners love a deal. In fact, pre-ground cannabis often retails at a lower price point than whole flower, with an average price of around $4 CAD or approximately $3 USD per gram. This marks a significant decrease from the average price of $7 CAD or $5.25 USD in early 2020.

This trend of buying pre-ground weed is not as popular in the United States, where it currently only makes up about 0.9% of the total flower market share. One possible reason for the relatively slow adoption of pre-ground weed in the USA could be its negative reputation. Some Canadian Entrepreneurs have admitted that they were initially hesitant to stock pre-ground weed due to its less-than-stellar reputation.

“In the early days of legalization in Canada, I don’t think the perception was there for milled flower – I think it was seen as maybe inferior to other products,” – Maria Guest, Pure Sunfarms Vice President

Despite its plus sides, it just wasn’t cool in the beginning. That changed incredibly fast. The verdict is still out whether Americans are simply snobs or if the pre-ground weed in Canada is just better.

You know what else Canadians love? Canadians love pre-rolls. If you need further proof Canadians love convenience, according to data also provided by Headset Analytics and reported on MJBizDaily, the market for infused pre-rolls in Canada has experienced an astounding growth of nearly 1,100% within a year.

(Still reading this?! I know you want a pre-roll now!)

I think again here the variety available on the shelves in mind boggling numbers. Smokers today have options from the bottom of the shelf to the top, infused, coated, premium, hash filled, whatever you can imagine, someone is rolling it up into a joint, sticking it in a little plastic tube and willing to sell it to you. Our little monkey brains can’t help but buy them up like candy and enjoy them. Listen, I am that heady boi, and I buy pre-rolls. They are awesome.

To be fair it is doubtful that heady bois everywhere are going to pawn their Motherships and custom bangers to load up on pre-ground cannabis.These are not the same markets and that’s okay. That’s the beauty of a legal market, it creates a massive variation of products that may never have been available otherwise. In the same way, a lot of consumers are just looking for an easy way to get blazed, and a familiar bag of ground up stuff to roll your own cigarettes like a hipster outside a music venue. Good for all 7.9% of them.

You know what else is awesome? Kief.

Just saying. If you’re rolling Js, you might as well pick up some of that to top it all off.

By Richard “Dick” Weed, Ganja Guru and Guest Contributor, for Potsmart

[jodilin65]

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 31, 2017 So glad nothing bad has befallen us since having a series of horrible dreams. This gives me hope that nothing bad will happen to Tammy in a couple of years.

Really hoping today is quieter but I know it won’t be. There have been landscaping sounds on and off every single day and it is so annoying. Just so, so annoying.

Last night I dreamed that someone was complaining about their hair being “broken.” I told them that mine was too, and showed them the short fuzzy hairs mixed in with the long ones that formed a sort of halo around my head.

Then I dreamed I was stranded on a small ship with some woman during a vicious storm. Eventually, the storm passed and the ship docked itself along a sandy beach while we had fallen asleep. We awoke to a whole different world and people wanting to make a movie of the adventure that supposedly brought me and the woman closer.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 30, 2017 The park just had to pick a Sunday of all days to spoil the peace and have some trees removed around the park, three of them being by the Twenties’ place. They cut them down to mere stumps, so I saw when I was out on an early-morning power walk. I thought they were just trimming them. The noise was so annoying in here that I can just imagine how maddening it had to be for them. And the poor Twenties had just paid a couple of hundred dollars to have a couple of limbs removed. How he wishes he had waited! That would piss me the fuck off, too.

There was still some fun in the mix. We went back to the Echo thrift store and I got a small pet carrier that these rats would probably hate, but that may be a future rat of ours would like. It’s a pink zippered bag with black paw prints and a screened area so they get plenty of ventilation. Maybe I’ll see if Burke wants to go on the patio in it. I would think it would be safer than a harness.

I also got some colorful kiddy crap I don’t need, as usual, LOL. An Asian doll in a really pretty colorful kimono, a Barbie I really don’t want but that came with the Asian doll, and a colorful “furry” clutch.

He got some goodies as well.

Then it was off to get ice cream at Baskin-Robbins. He got chocolate chip cookie dough with caramel topping, and I got the baked waffle cone with hot fudge.

When I got a friend request from a guy I didn’t know, I asked him if we ever talked anywhere before and how he found me, planning to decline his friend request if he blew me off or gave me an answer I didn’t like. But it turns out he read the very first book I published and wanted to connect with me for links to future titles because he really liked the book. He said he totally understood, however, that not everybody was that sociable and that if I didn’t want to add him, that would be okay.

My first thought was that he might be connected to Maliheh who might be looking to see where the link is to that book which I mentioned was going to undergo massive editing in one of my emails to her about her hijacked account, even though that book has not yet been edited. If she was paranoid enough about her name being used to pretend to be my friend then she would certainly be paranoid when she knows I can’t stand her after the way she lied to me.

Just to be sure there was no connection, I logged out of my account and into Tom’s account to see if I could find her on his friend list, and I couldn’t. With over 3000 friends and everything I checked out about the account, Kevin P in Washington State does seem legit. He added a couple of friends of mine, which I thought was a bit weird and that sometimes annoys me when friends do that, but from all appearances, I’d say he’s quite a friend collector overall. After all, no one has that many friends no matter how likable you may be. Yet he seems to have people on his friend list from all walks of life and many in his hometown.

The only other thing I thought was a bit weird is that if he could remember my name to look me up on Facebook, why couldn’t he have looked me up on Amazon? I gave him the link but he doesn’t appear to have gotten anything yet. I’ll keep a close watch on him but he does seem harmless. Besides, what could he do to me anyway?

It was cool to be added by a book fan. This is the first time I’ve been looked up on Facebook because I’m an author.

Once I’m sure I’m not going to hear from Kathleen, I may consider once again sharing journal links with Facebook friends, but I think it’s easier for now just to share unedited material with Tammy and let others go to the journal on their own which I’ll probably set back the public. There really isn’t any reason, I suppose, for it to remain MO.

But yeah, I’m having serious doubts about ever hearing from Kathleen. If a detention officer could blow me off and then my own therapist (along with countless others be it for potential friendships or more) then why wouldn’t my dentist’s office manager blow me off as well?

I created another account on my-diary where I could write a little more freely, not that it would be the end of the world if anyone figured out who I am despite my changing names. I discussed Kathleen a bit and asked if anyone had any opinions. They said they think she probably finds flirting at work a fun escape from a boring marriage but didn’t intend to actually act on those feelings. I totally agree, not that I want to get it on with her. But I believe she doesn’t really want to act on a friendship either. This is still assuming my gut feeling is right in the first place and that she’s not just a super friendly person.

I had a dream the other night that Tammy got some new job, and last night I dreamed that Andy called to wish me a happy birthday. Good luck with that. He doesn’t know this number.

Then we must’ve been renters in the mainstream because I was upset to learn that it would be unlikely that we would be able to get a manufactured home because we only made something like 28K a year. I was pretty pissed that he was being paid half of what he should be paid. But then he said he made 31K that year.

Then Tom asked me to throw something away and for some reason, I stumbled absentmindedly to the neighbors and began to dump whatever it was in their pail. By the time I realized what I’d done, I said to a young guy who was outside the house that anytime they needed extra space for trash, they could use our pail.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 29, 2017 The last couple of days I had borderline anxiety and my heart got a little racy. It’s also starting to get a little too easy to lose weight and I’m kind of surprised I haven’t had the runs. To be on the safe side, I skipped my meds yesterday. I haven’t officially hit menopause yet and therefore my hormones could still be a bit out of whack, making me more sensitive to a lower TSH.

Still experiencing some pain in my mouth and still hoping I won’t have to make yet another dentist appointment to find out why. It’s like the harder I try to slow down the appointments, the more shit comes up. I want to be able to go a few months between appointments, not a few weeks. But now I may have to go back to the dentist as well as to a dermatologist. Not sure a dermatologist can help me, though, if my rashes are due to having an AI disease.

Speaking of which, I just finished running my journals from 1997 through Grammarly and read that my mother did in fact have low thyroid, high cholesterol, and diabetes. Her diabetes may have come from the fact that she spent most of her time sitting on her ass in front of the TV.

We picked up our new glasses yesterday. Mine is stylish and nice-looking for one who has to wear them all the time. I miss my perfect vision more than my slim body. When we were there I saw that they accept old glasses as donations. Wish I’d brought in my oldest pair. If someone who’s struggling financially can use them, great. Every time I get new glasses I weed out my oldest pair. I have several pairs scattered throughout the house… in the kitchen, in the bathroom, in the bedroom. My oldest pair is the ugliest. They’re brown single-vision lenses. I got them before we moved in here. I’ll bring them in when we go to get prescriptions.

Walmart gave us a bunch of free goodies when we picked up the groceries, which was nice. Especially after the way they screwed things up online so much. They go out of stock a lot, they mess up our favorites section, etc. Anyway, there was candy, oatmeal, a can of SpaghettiOs, a sponge, facial cleanser, hot chocolate, toothpaste, Chapstick, and a can of Starbucks strawberry lemonade soda.

Part of the stuff came in a Christmas stocking which I hung in the rats’ cage, even though they may be a bit big to burrow into it. These breeds don’t usually get as big as hoodies, but they are big boys.

I got my incense yesterday and I absolutely love it! It’s as fresh as the woman told me it would be and smells wonderful. I was surprised to find that the sticks were colored in lots of fun colors, and she also gave me nine extra fragrances. Fortunately, none of them have any kind of a citrus smell to them. The bags have large easy-to-read labels as well. I’m burning X-Tasy now.

Yesterday I got an idea when browsing Pinterest, a site that annoys me as much as I love it, for painting decorative rocks. I went out and got a fairly good-sized rock, rinsed it, and later I’ll take my nail art polishes and see if I can paint some flower designs on it.

I’d like to go out today but I don’t know where to go. The thing about having money is that I now have everything I could ever want or need (except for a house on the beach in Hawaii), so I don’t need to go shopping and I don’t like to eat out very much. Too many calories that way. Besides, we just got groceries. Maybe it’s time to look into that indoor skydiving place we saw.

Last night I dreamed that I went to a restaurant and was waiting for Tammy to join me. I had a baby Berkshire rat and an adult dumbo that was cream-colored with me. There were cutouts for windows but no actual windows in the openings. I looked out the “window” by the booth I sat in and spotted my father. I asked him to go get me a camera. He fetched me one in two seconds and I took pictures of the rats.

Then Tammy joined me and I said, “The reason I want to show you what Burke looks like is so you can see how soft and shiny he is being a brown-black color.” LOL

But the baby Burkey turned shy and decided to hide in a glass full of some powdery or sandy substance. Instead, she got to meet the cream Dumbo, haha. One of the last things she would ever want to meet.

In the last dream, the courts decided that I should do the remaining six months of probation that I got out of in Arizona. The only difference is that there didn’t seem to be as much time from when it ended. It seemed like within a year of being let go early, I sent Scott a letter thanking him for putting in a good word for me to get me off early, and then I was ordered to finish it and had to go back and see him. I believed it didn’t have anything to do with my letter to him, though why I let them order me around like that in this day and age is beyond me. I guess we just do weird things in dreams. It was strange too because I was contemplating making him some incense and giving it to him at our final meeting.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 28, 2017 It’s now been four months since I had a period. Yes! I now see a faint sliver of hope that I could be done, but half a year will bring a bigger ray of light as far as hope goes.

Thank God I’m not having dream premonitions regularly like I was before we moved here. Again Tom died suddenly and unexpectedly in my dreams, despite having a good check-up the other day. His blood work was normal, his BP was good, and he was down 5 pounds.

I don’t know what killed him, but I was home alone walking by the bed he had just slept in just minutes or a few hours ago at most. I don’t know if I thought these words or said them out loud, but either way, they were something to the effect of, “Maybe if I could drive and had a job I would consider living on. I’m at the point in life where I don’t think I could get anyone, and even if I could, they’d never be like Tom.”

I would definitely not want to live a moment without him no matter how much money and transportation I had, along with a million hotties swearing that they didn’t mind my CRD and weirdness. There’s just no way I could stand such extreme depression. I would miss him and the things we would do together way too much to carry on.

It got me thinking and I really think we should get it gun when we move. Not for protection but so I can have a quick and convenient exit should he go first. Florida and Hawaii are much too hot for sending myself off with a carbon monoxide party. That method is a bit more complicated and I would be afraid I would fuck it up. But as long as I put the muzzle of a gun in the right spot, I’d be gone in a second. No having to worry about temperature, sealing windows, sealing vents, etc. Just BAM! And I’d be gone.

Anyway, I walked down to the lake and gave the dogs the last few pieces of the rats’ bread and finished the laundry. Tom should be up soon, then we’ll pick up the groceries in a few hours, and then pick up our new glasses.

One of the Twenties’ friends in Texas added me. Also in Texas is the perfect doll deal. Yeah, after months and months of research (I think TPE would be better than silicone) I totally wish we had that tax refund already! For just under 2k I can get a totally customized body with two heads, two sets of eyes, two wigs, two outfits, plus other things. I doubt they’ll have this promotion until February or March, though.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2017 Today my very first journal entry - my very first serious one, anyway - is 30 years old. 30 years of journaling. Now that’s pretty impressive! I’m glad that I have tried, even if I didn’t want to stick them out and haven’t done them in centuries, many different things in life… singing, dancing, figure skating, languages, creative writing, instruments, drawing, painting, knitting, crocheting, plus things I’m probably forgetting.

We went out walking again in the wee hours of the night. No dog this time. I figured it was just an isolated incident. It better be, anyway.

Tom said Pawandeep had five cavities filled and this time she met an “older” dentist. LOL, so I guess my dentist wasn’t the one that she saw the first time. Because she didn’t have to drill very deep she didn’t numb her. I’m surprised. I didn’t know cavities could be filled without numbing.

Really hoping I’m not going to have to start skipping a few doses of my meds because yesterday I felt borderline anxious, as well as a little bit this morning. Hopefully, it’s just me being paranoid because my numbers are lower. I’ll start making skips if need be, though. Comfort will always take precedence over numbers.

My heart raced towards the end of the day yesterday and then I became so fatigued. I crashed early and ended up sleeping a surprising 11 hours. I was up a long time the day before and didn’t sleep long, so that’s probably why I slept a long time. Pretty sure my heart only got a little racy because I had just eaten quite a bit. The diet I’m on is almost a partial fasting diet but not quite. I’m still metabolically fucked, so I’m not doing anything extreme. Instead of multiple small meals, however, I find it easier to have 2-3 snacks and 2 meals, one in which I eat until I’m full.

Wondering if someone tried to hack my Facebook account because I got a notice from them saying they noticed I was having trouble logging in. No, I wasn’t. I stay logged in except for when I occasionally check Tom’s account. Maybe someone typed their email address incorrectly. I let them know, however, that I wasn’t having trouble trying to log in.

My incense arrived in Rocklin last night, so UPS should be delivering it today. With my shit luck, it will be after I crash, but we’ll see. Hopefully, I’ll be surprised.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2017 Unbelievable. Just unfuckingbelievable. We went out walking shortly after 3 AM as we usually do before he has to work a few hours later. We were heading up from the back of the park when all of a sudden, this loud barking erupts. I was startled into a run, first thinking it was coming from over the wall and wanting to get away from the obnoxious sound. Then it hit me that it was awfully loud and close sounding to be outside the park, and I heard Tom say something. I stopped, turned around, and saw that someone’s mutt had been chasing me but stopped when Tom stopped. It took a few seconds for the thing to stop advancing and all the while I was thinking, “Come any closer and I’ll kick you. Just lunge at me and I will absolutely kick you to death, mutt.”

Seriously, had the fucking thing taken one more step towards me, I would have kicked the crap out of it, but then I’m sure Tom would have taken care of it first if it was determined to attack us like I thought it might at first. Afterward, though, he told me he was pretty sure that it wasn’t barking in an aggressive manner and that we were just a game to it much like people on bikes.

I don’t care, though. I don’t appreciate someone’s mutt charging me and barking its little ass off like that. How the hell was I supposed to know if it was going to attack or not? I don’t know this dog. My God, though, NO animal has never annoyed the fuck out of me like other people’s dogs have.

Anyway, the thing stopped when he stopped and sternly told it to go away. We heard some woman calling to it and eventually, it was smart enough to listen and back off.

First of all, the fucking thing exceeds the park’s size limitation, and secondly, why wasn’t it on a leash? I would have been absolutely terrified had I been alone, and I might have been because sometimes I do go out by myself. For a second I contemplated getting the house number and reporting them to the park, but as Tom pointed out, it’s the first time it ever happened. If it happens again, though, then you bet we’ll call the park. I’m fucking sick of people not controlling their dogs!

I wonder if it woke their neighbors up. It was quite loud. It may not be the dog’s fault that the owner was dumb enough not to put it on a leash, but maybe if someone ends up harming it if they get charged and bitten, it will teach the owner a lesson and set an example of why it’s important to control your damn dogs!

I just can’t believe it, though. I can’t fucking believe it. I’m being chased in the middle of the night by loose dogs in a gated retirement community. Wow. Just wow. Come on after me again, mutt.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2017 Moondancer’s site was glitchy so I decided to order some incense from The Dipper. I’ll be getting 31 different fragrances in packs of 10. The fact that it was shipped today tells me it’s not freshly made, so I might not like it as much. It’s a good thing I didn’t get even more. I probably should have gotten less, but I’m sure I’ll like most of it. I’ll be trying the following fragrances:

African Sunrise Almond Joy Angel Essence Baby Powder Balsam Fir Birthday Cake Black Coconut Black Love Blueberry Butt Naked Butterfly Garden CK-1 Carolina Herrera Cedar & Saffron Cherry Blossom Cherry Vanilla Chocolate Brownie Chronic - Hip (don’t ask me what the hell this one smells like but I can’t wait to find out!) Cinnamon Bun Coconut Cotton Candy Dragon’s Breath Dream Catcher Egyptian Dragon Enchanted Forest French Vanilla Kush Lick Me All Over Midnight Lover Mulberry Musk

Tom did his own research on incense, oils and supplies and came up with Nature’s Garden and they seem to have a good variety and reasonable prices. Looks like ordering should be easier too, because it’s just a list with a checkbox where you check what you want. With the others, you had to go to each one separately and it would take forever to order a larger quantity. They also let you create a wish list so you have the option of saving what you haven’t tried yet to it. They have something like 800 fragrances and knowing me, I’m sure I’ll want to try at least 600 of them over time, haha. They don’t sell incense, though, or blank sticks. They only sell reed diffusers. I would likely get sticks from someone else, but get oil from them because their prices are lower. You can get anywhere from 2 ounces to 25 pounds. I’m going to get their 2-ounce bottles which are $2.65 each but not right now. I’ll give them a try in a few months. If I go making and burning incense like crazy despite how much I love the stuff, I won’t be able to breathe.

I still have pain in my mouth. That can’t be right. Something’s got to be wrong. But if there’s anything up there trying to keep the appointments going, it’s not going to win. It’s weird because it sometimes seems to radiate from my upper jaw and down around to my lower jaw. Sometimes it comes on its own, but it’s usually triggered by food or drink.

They turned the water off later than they said they were going to, but I was going to bed at the time so it didn’t affect me in any way.

When I got up at 8:30 and was waiting till it was time to have coffee, I heard what I thought was either people cheering or kids screaming. My first thought was that the stroke house was blasting their fucking TV. But when I looked out the window I saw Trisha had four vehicles at her place. Birthday party or something? I thought I would be in for a lot of door slamming, but everybody left while I was in the shower.

After my first day of going back to eating four times a day every three hours, I’m down a pound. I’m going to see if I can do this diet until I see A, so no eating out for me until then. By the time I see the doctor, I should know if my body is able to lose more than just a few pounds or not without getting severely anxious. If it can’t, then it’s not worth doing this diet all the time except for when I creep up a few pounds like I just did.

I’d love to be under 150 when I see her but I don’t see how I could do that in just 40 days. That would mean I would have to wake up at 146 or 7 the day I saw her. I’m 154.2. The best I can do is 150 if this keeps working and I’m able to stick to it, and that’s a very big IF.

I’m trying really hard not to think in the realms of, “Sooner or later you’re going to get anxious as hell, and if you could just stand to stick it out, you’ll lose 10 pounds in no time.”

Regardless of how she acted when I saw her and what my gut feeling was saying, there’s absolutely no way Kathleen likes me. She may later seek me out as a friend (although I doubt it), not that we would have been more than friends either way. The point is that I guess I can’t always trust my gut instinct after all. I always sensed her niceness went beyond simple friendliness, but that obviously wasn’t the case. She would have remembered my name, remembered when I was scheduled to come in, bought my books unless she doesn’t have a Kindle or hates to read, and would have contacted me by now. If I really liked someone that much that told me to feel free to look them up, I would have at least contacted them and said that while I understood they may not be up to shopping anytime soon, I just wanted to say hi, etc.

Last night I dreamed I was walking along a beach. I walked along the shore which was flanked by hedges. When I noticed several bees flocking around the hedges it made me uncomfortable so I went out into the water.

Tom and I were in some building. I don’t know why or who it was, but we agreed to let this person know when we were ready to be picked up and taken who knows where. The way we were to let them know when we were ready to go was by waving a flashlight back and forth in the window.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2017 I got to missing the gourmet incense that I would order hand-dipped upon request and even thought back to the days when I used to make and sell the stuff, too. Didn’t make much money at it but I sure had a lot of fun. Then my favorite supplier went out of business when the owner went to prison for molesting his daughter. I later found another supplier but eventually, times were tough and I gave it up for a while. Besides, the incense could sometimes make me congested and leave a messy residue on things when I would get carried away with it, having so much fun with all the different fragrances.

Good incense must be dipped and burned within a few months or less for maximum freshness. If anybody knows this, it’s me. A lot of the store-bought crap I’ve had lately has been sitting on the shelves for a lot more than just a few months and is mostly dried out and smoky. Therefore, I’ve been relying on oil diffusers, wax warmers, air fresheners, and perfumes to satisfy my obsession with good smells.

My last supplier’s still around and I browsed their site with its thousands of fragrances. Not thinking I would ever order again, I dumped the favorites list that I had accumulated way back when. I kind of regret it too, though I do remember some of them. They have everything from sweets, fruits, and flowers to designer perfumes and novelty fragrances.

It was cool how the old familiar terminology and stuff like that came back to me when I was browsing around. I checked out a do-it-yourself kit which comes with 1000 punks (blank bamboo sticks), cutter, and other things. I never cut my incense, though, always preferring it full strength for maximum richness. Cutter is basically scentless oil that you use to dilute the scented oils. With the kit I’ll eventually order, you get to choose five different fragrances. I’m going to go with Pink Sugar, one of my favorite perfumes, Lady Chocolate, Warm Vanilla Sugar, Caramel Velvet Cream, and Vermont Maple Syrup.

If you have the money for supplies, then making incense is pretty easy. You just need containers and drying space. You soak them for about a day in the oils and then you let them dry for a couple of days before you bag them. I would gather the sticks and tie rubber bands around the ends that don’t burn and leave them standing on a wad of paper towels. Tied like that they form a bit of a teepee, so they can balance themselves easily enough. One thing about making homemade incense is that your place will never stink of anything bad. Not pets. Not trash. Not anything. All you’ll smell is goodness.

After I have fun experimenting with Moondancer’s incense which will be just for me and just for fun, I will order supplies from SaveOnScents for my own enjoyment as well as to share with family, friends and neighbors. Probably Kathleen and my dentist, too. I might eventually sell it.

When buying retail it’s hard to get a good variety without spending a fortune, but for 50 bucks, including shipping, I’m going to be trying a whopping 408 fragrances from Moondancer. They sell them by the stick at nine cents apiece, so I got one stick per fragrance. It’s a treat I look forward to!

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 22, 2017 Just did a bit of housecleaning. I really do love this house even though it’s a little old and there’s more noise than I’d like in the daytime. The layout is ideal, though we’d gladly take an extra bedroom.

Even the colder weather isn’t always so bad because when I’m hot flashing I can step outside momentarily to cool off. Couldn’t do that in Florida, but I’m hoping that if we really do move there someday I’ll be long over that by the time it happens.

We’ve got another warm spell on the way. It’s going to be in the 80s all week and by the late afternoon, we could need the AC for a few hours.

After giving the rats the bones from my pork chop dinner I went out walking. This time I headed toward the back. I wore a T-shirt and it was 68°. I started off chilly and then I was glad I didn’t wear long sleeves. 10 minutes into a workout and you’re really feeling the heat. So by the time I hit the back of the park, I was plenty warmed up.

They painted the speed bumps so now they’re white instead of yellow.

Maybe this is a bit judgy of me, but how can so many abusive mothers say they “did their best?” Why not just come out and admit that you fucked up? If you’d done your best you wouldn’t have slapped your kids around. You wouldn’t have called them names. You wouldn’t have made them feel like worthless pieces of shit. You wouldn’t have made them afraid to go home after school. Maybe what you really did your best at was making piss-poor excuses for your behavior.

Been watching season two of Slasher and trying not to think of my much lower TSH numbers and the fact that if I were to have pocket flares now, I’d really be feeling miserable.

I’m back to backing up stuff on Dreamwidth which is automatically cross-posting to LiveJournal.

I’ve been feeling and sleeping so well lately that I’m not remembering much of my dreams. Something about being on vacation and dolls? Then there was something about some black people (the ones who screwed me in Arizona?) getting a dog that I had wanted. I was bitching about it as I was walking by their place with Tom and he got paranoid, telling me to lower my voice so I didn’t get beat up. I just laughed. Unless a whole group of them came at me, I told him, I wasn’t the least bit scared.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2017 I’m a little lightheaded and I hope it’s only because of the sugar I’ve had. I almost feel like I have a slight cold. First day I haven’t had to take anything for tooth pain, so that’s good.

Last night I dreamed we had a huge shower stall and there was a couch in it. I was struggling to push it away from the spray of water so I could get myself wet more easily and not have the couch get all wet and smelly.

Then I was testing some allergy powder and discovering nature sounds on this weird little radio.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2017 Fortunately, nothing bad has happened to me since having that nightmare about the runaway car.

In one of last night’s dreams, I’m not sure if it was a wild rat or a rat that had been our pet that we couldn’t keep for some reason, but something forced us to dump this really friendly rat. We were heartbroken over it. We were out walking, although he might’ve been on a bike, and the poor thing was following us. We moved quickly to try to lose it and it was just so sad.

In another dream, it was nighttime when I came across an iPad and some other device (a phone?) sitting on the trunk of a car somewhere. I somehow knew that someone had gotten a hold of the iPad to stalk the owner of it and mess with their accounts.

Then I dreamed that I set up a Twitter account in my name, reached out to Aly and said that it had been a long time since I’ve been on Twitter and that I just wanted to say hello. When I woke up it hit me that she may have some kind of tracker tracking her Twitter visitors. That may be how she made the Krista account, even though I’m not sure that would be enough of a giveaway. I’m not the only one in this area. She’s got to be doing something. I don’t see how just “being good with people” is enough.

LOL, maybe every month I should set up an account and do something similar to both her and Kim just for shits and giggles. It would be a monthly thing because after I contacted them I would deactivate the account and wouldn’t be able to use the email tied to that account for 30 days. I could use my Yahoo addy.

Anyway, the laundry is done, the groceries are ordered, and we went on a walk earlier. Not much else is going on. We got an hour of rain last night, but no additional leaks.

I went out walking around the circle really late last night and the loud car wasn’t there. Haven’t heard it since I’ve been up either.

Walmart really pisses me off. First, the favorites disappeared and then they added things back to the favorites that we deleted.

The park will be turning the water off on Tuesday from 9 AM to 1 PM. I should be asleep through most of that time.

Tammy shared a few pictures of Mark as the active shooter for the drill they conducted at work, but clearly, the bright green gun was fake. But wouldn’t people react differently if they knew it wasn’t the real thing as opposed to if they knew it was? I’m glad for his sake that it was obviously fake because you never know if someone carrying a concealed weapon may shoot him.

Another person borrowed Beneath the Smile from the KOLL, but they only read two pages. The first borrower is still at 18 pages.

I still wonder if I’ll really ever hear from Kathleen and I often go through the reasons why I think I will and why I think I won’t. Maybe she’ll surprise me like my thyroid numbers, but I highly doubt it. Can’t say for sure if she’s attracted to me or just unusually friendly, but I still say I won’t hear from her either way. I’m okay with whatever happens, though. There are pros and cons to both. Not having to worry if she’s going to screw me over and having to match schedules to do things together would be definite pros to not hearing from her. I’ve also become more private as far as letting others see inside our house. Nothing wrong with being a bit eccentric like I am, but I think a lot of shit in here is just too weird for most people to handle, LOL. I would hide some of it, though, if I knew I was having company. Not because I would be embarrassed but because I wouldn’t want to make others needlessly uncomfortable, just like I would want them to care enough to keep any big dogs they may have away from me if I visited them.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2017 I have some pretty amazing, shocking, hopeful and even scary news. I got up, did my thing in the bathroom, and was about to take dream notes which were quickly forgotten when I saw I had a message from Dr. A’s nurse. My first thought was, oh no! Already? It hasn’t even been 24 hours since I was at the lab!

I wondered if something could be wrong since I didn’t see how my TSH could still be in the teens unless something went very wrong with the gland itself. I called the nurse and she shocked the hell out of me by telling me my thyroid was better and that my TSH is now only 6.75 which is almost normal! My T4, which has always been normal, is at 1.4. This was quite a surprise but definitely a little scary because my TSH is only three points above when I had the last severe anxious reaction when my old endo tried me on 88’s two years ago. If my T4 hits 2.0 or higher, all hell could very well break loose, even though I’m feeling amazingly calm right now. It gives me hope that if I am through the worst of the perimenopause then I can one day have a normal thyroid without the killer anxiety. It goes to show, though, that while the medication itself has been a problem at times, the peri likely was a huge factor. The doctor and the nurse know, however, that if I feel any anxiety coming on I’m going to make skips. Fortunately, TSHs rise much quicker than they fall, so just a few skips can kick me up to the teens. So as long as I don’t let it get really bad if the anxiety comes on, I should recover within a week instead of a few months.

Dr. O wasn’t kidding when she said there was more going on than just my thyroid and the medication. Other factors like tachycardia, ADD, pocket flares and the perimenopause I didn’t realize I had gone into at the time. Levothyroxine is still a MAJOR stimulant and it’s a long-acting drug so some of us have to be careful.

A part of me wishes I didn’t know what my numbers are now because now I might worry at the slightest hint of anxiety, even if I know now I can just make a few skips to feel better. I just worry about getting anxious in the first place. Again, this isn’t the kind of anxiety one might feel if they’ve got to go to the dentist or something like that. It’s the most god-awful feeling in the world. The nurse said she didn’t think my TSH would drop any lower but I’ll be tested again in December.

I just try to remind myself that numbers are just numbers and it’s how I feel that matters. And also that it’s the same shit my body makes anyway, and I was normal once, after all, and even below normal when I had Graves’ disease. I just didn’t have the peri going on at the time and I was a lot younger, so I’m still a bit nervous about it. Especially after that nightmare, I had a couple of nights ago.

I was so excited, happy and amazed that despite the part of me that’s a bit worried, I balled my eyes out when I hung up from the nurse. All I could think was OMG, after three years of hell my thyroid is almost normal with NO anxiety. Yay!

So excited was I that I decided to call Tammy and give her the good news. While she was no doubt thrilled for me, I could tell something was wrong. I could hear it in her voice. I’ll get to that in a minute but first, I asked her if she thinks I’ll get any more periods, and she said I might get a few more spotty ones. Well, I’m definitely not going to get my hopes up too high and assume I’ll never get another period and that I’ll never be anxious again. I may have broken my period record, but not my anxiety record yet. I’ve only been able to go 4-5 months without anxiety. It hasn’t even been a month yet since I had to make my last skip on September 21, though it has been since July 5 since I ran for the Lorazepam. I have to make it to next spring without anxiety before I can really start to see the first ray of light.

There’s a 75% chance that it’s going to rain tonight, so hopefully, the roof won’t leak. Tammy said she heard it’s going to be a dry winter for us and Tom said he heard the whole country is to have a mild winter. I sure hope so!

So Tammy and I talked, even with Alexa thinking I was telling her to blast some rock music for the occasion. I had to jump up and shut her up, LOL.

Tammy describes her life as a “living hell.” I keep hoping that things will get better for her, but her surgery was a bust and they’re now totally sure she has Sjogren’s. So that makes three autoimmune diseases that are all a hell of a lot worse than Hashimoto’s and harder to treat. When I asked her how she lost weight it wasn’t any special diet she went on but that she simply doesn’t want to eat. In fact, she has eaten so little that she almost went into her second diabetic coma. The only good thing she had to report was that her heart is holding steady. So that much is good.

Becky has had tremendous pain in her jaw and arm, and they were both furious, understandably, because the surgeon didn’t suck out her lungs properly and she ended up with bleeding and severe breathing problems. I guess she’s going to be going on partial disability or something like that because she’s not going to be able to return to work as soon as expected. Sarah, on the other hand, is working like crazy to help make ends meet. I was so glad to hear that Tammy would move Becky in with her if worse came to worse. Our mother would NEVER have done that for us if we were in the same situation and of course, Dad would have gone right along with her decision.

Tom and I will still likely leave California someday to live in Florida. I won’t be able to help out all the time because of my CRD, but I’ll certainly do my best with things like cleaning since I don’t drive and I’m not much of a cook. It’s a lot cheaper there, and I can see where condos like what our parents had would be much quieter being on slab foundations with cement walls built to hurricane standards, whereas the elevated duplex we once lived in with elevated floors and wood walls meant you heard and felt the neighbors easily. We would still likely get a manufactured home similar to this, though, not a condo.

I’ll miss the neighbors and it’ll be a pain to get established with new doctors, but I can do that and meet new neighbors. The only thing that may be hard to give up would be Kathleen depending on what happens there, which I still think will be nothing.

When she told me Mark was going to be the shooter at the nursing home he works at, I was like, WTF? They’re going to be doing a drill on how to handle things if there were ever an active shooter. Only the local bacon department as well as the top staff know what’s going to be happening. That ought to be interesting but I would think that might be a bit traumatizing for some people as well.

There’s more I could say but I’m pretty tired tonight. I didn’t sleep much better the last time around. Hopefully, I’ll get my energy back soon because I’m missing too many days of working out. I’ll go force myself to do some Bowflexing now after sending a group “hug” to Tammy and the girls.

First, I don’t remember the dreams I had last night but I remembered a dream I had a few nights ago. In fact, I’m thinking of creating another PB account (anonymously) to share dreams as if they’re real-life events, LOL. Especially since I now have a tracker I can hide. If I share more stories, however, people will know who I am. I can’t do that anyway if I plan to publish most of them.

The dream took place at Valleyhead again. What is it with all the VH dreams lately? The only difference was that instead of a mansion we were in cabins. We were the ages we are now, though, and not young again. There were four of us per cabin. We slept in pairs on two double beds. I slept on the bed on the right on the inside by the nightstand. Not sure who my cabinmates were or why I was even there. When I spotted Tom out the window who had come to pick me up one morning, I scrambled to get dressed. Then I realized my paper journal was missing. I quickly went to look for it and then realized I had no pants on and wasn’t fully dressed after all.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 18, 2017 The house across from Jon & Carolyn and diagonally in back of us is now on the market. Really hoping we luck out a third time like we did with Jon & Carolyn and Trisha. Please, no loud vehicles or company junkies!

We both got blood drawn this afternoon. Guessing my TSH is 10-11 based on how calm I feel. As long as I continue to feel well, I don’t give a shit what the numbers say.

I stupidly forgot my glasses. I’m farsighted and in natural daylight, I don’t see that bad looking off into the distance, but it was a bit of a struggle to sign forms. Tom did my check-in for me on the computer.

I hope I sleep a little better tonight. I’ve been sleeping well overall but not the last couple of nights. I realize the night before last was only because I was stressed over my crown falling out. The second time was because I had a nasty dream for one prone to dream premonitions.

In the dream, we kept breaking into this house and stealing food. We would do it in the evening when the homeowner wasn’t home. I guess they worked late or something. Not sure why we were stealing food since we didn’t seem to be struggling, but one time we went to steal something when we saw the place was all lit up. We decided to take a chance since the person who lived there was on the second floor. Once inside I grabbed a bag of hot dog buns and decided we should leave it at that and get out.

The passenger door of our car was closer to the house and I dove into the car quickly. Tom was walking down their sidewalk when I saw a guy pass by one of the downstairs windows. I told Tom to hurry up and just as he broke into a jog and was about to reach the car, the car began to back up out of the driveway. I reached a foot over to slam on the brakes but nothing I stepped down on would stop the car. The car, as if driven by an invisible person, turned into the street and began racing down it backward.

I woke up before it either stopped or crashed, glad that Tom never was able to get into the car. Those are classic crash-and-burn dreams. If you’ve had dream premonitions before then you would probably agree that you’d be one of the last people you’d want having these types of dreams. They’re a sure sign of trouble ahead, even though I don’t have any bad vibes or that nagging feeling we sometimes get when something’s amiss. What could I be about to “crash” into soon, though? Another round of anxiety? That’s usually what the problem is these last few years and it shouldn’t be long before my TSH does fall to uncomfortable levels and I’m going to have to start making skips.

I was telling Tom the other day that when I think back on everything I’ve gone through that was either a crisis or at least a hardship of some kind, each one gets worse. First it was wanting people/things I could never have. Then it was the freeloaders/jail. Then it was poverty. Then it was the killer anxiety that affected both my mind and body. The next thing has got to kill me for damn sure because I honestly don’t think there’s anything worse than the physical and psychological torture I experienced over the last few years. I don’t think whatever’s coming up will be that bad, though. I usually get a year or two between problems, especially the more serious and long-term ones.

I still don’t like my track record at all. The only one I had a negative dream about that turned out okay was with the vigilante girl, but her dream was a little different. In the dream, she simply told me she “had a problem.” I didn’t actually see her in a bad situation, but maybe she is now. I haven’t heard from her in a while.

Tom tried to console me by saying that nothing bad actually happened in the dream.

“But nothing bad actually happened in the riot dream or the white-out dream either.”

“But a riot is a known bad thing,” he said.

Yeah, so is a runaway car flying backward with no working brakes, and what about the 30-foot shower stall dream? I woke up before we hit the ground.

I never saw anything bad in the dreams I had pertaining to myself and several others that had bad things end up happening to them in real life; just bad things that were about to happen right before I woke up.

I still say there’s a damn good chance something unpleasant is headed my way. Whenever I’d tell almost everyone that something bad was going to happen, it did. When I say something very bad is going to happen to Tammy when she’s 62, it is. Just like when I warned Jimmy about a potential car accident, the old lady in Texas about health issues, and several others along the way. So yeah, I’ve likely got trouble ahead. Trouble I won’t be able to prevent and that I won’t see coming until it’s upon me. That’s what’s frustrating about the dream premonitions… Nothing I can do about them but have extra time to worry. I’m still going to try my best by being extra careful. I’ll check twice when crossing streets and that sort of thing.

I’m just glad Tom didn’t get a chance to get into that car, which makes me think that whatever’s coming is on me. Better me than him as most of us would say when it comes to those we love. That again, he wasn’t in the riot dream at all yet the event that happened following that nightmare definitely affected us both, so we’ll see. With me, some dream premonitions are long-term as is the case with Tammy but most are not. So I’ve probably got about 72 hours to find out what shit is about to hit my fan.

I’m too tired to work out today. I’ve been lazy for about a week now when it comes to working out. I wish I could be obsessed with working out and dieting to the point that I never miss a day, but maybe someday I’ll get sick enough of the extra weight to really do something about it and just put up with the hunger that intense dieting brings. That’s what it would take in my case. Right now I’m not worried about my weight enough to be motivated to diet religiously. I’m more concerned with stepping up the exercise to help lower my LDL score because that’s what they’re going to be testing for next in December.

Still having some sensitivity in my mouth but I’m not sure if it’s the mouthguard, the recent dental work or something else. I even woke up with a splitting headache but then I went back to sleep and it was gone when I got up the next time. I think I’ll be okay within a week and won’t have to go back until my next scheduled appointment in March.

I am a little bummed to know I’ll never really hear from Kathleen but this is far from the first time I’ll end up not hearing from someone I’d like to hear from. As I once told Stacey, things that were never meant to be don’t suddenly become meant to be in one’s 50s. The more I think about it the more I realize that yes, she’s just an incredibly friendly person that fools you into thinking you’re important and special (even someone on Yelp mentioned her making them feel like she was important) because she’s just so damn friendly, something I’m not used to because I’m so antisocial. Even if she was attracted to me or wanted to be my friend, I would have heard from her by now if she was that serious. Small talk is just small talk, and people agree to get together all the time but don’t really mean it.

So my first guess is that I’ll never hear from her. My second guess is that if by some miracle I’m surprised by hearing from her, it would probably be sometime in January. That way it’s been a while, the holiday madness is over, and it’s sort of in the middle of appointments.

But hey, look on the bright side to there being a 90something percent chance I’ll never hear from her… No having to worry about my schedule for getting together, no having to worry about her possibly screwing me over, no having to be embarrassed about her coming in here and seeing all my weird shit either.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2017 At 1 AM last night, I was flossing my teeth with those floss sticks that help you reach in back when one of them got hung up between teeth. I tried to wiggle it this way and that to dislodge it but it was stuck big time. When it finally let go it was determined to take my new upper crown with it. I put it in a baggy so I wouldn’t lose it.

I woke him up in a panic, and when I say a panic I don’t mean anything like when my meds and or the peri was tormenting me. He was calm, supportive and empathetic as usual, and assured me it would be no big deal.

There wasn’t any bleeding and it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. I just had to be careful to avoid hot and cold, or better yet pretty much anything that could come in contact with the area. I even had to be careful how I breathed. Moving air rushing against it can also hurt, so I was careful not to suck in air in a way that would cause it to flow around the tooth.

I wasn’t worried about not being able to get in right away to have it re-cemented, I was worried about my schedule. I knew I wouldn’t be crashing anytime soon and I didn’t until around 4 AM. I awoke four hours later and lay there awake for about a half-hour or maybe a little more, and then I fell back asleep until noon.

He called them as soon as they opened and they had free time in the morning and the afternoon. Due to both our schedules, we had to go with the 4:30 appointment.

We were supposed to be at the lab at 4 o’clock but had to cancel. We rescheduled for the same time tomorrow but never received an email confirmation, so hopefully we won’t have to wait when we go tomorrow.

I’ve been hot-flashing but calm. I highly doubt my TSH is in the single digits and personally I don’t care as long as I feel good.

At 3 o’clock we took off for Walmart to pick out new glasses. I upgraded the lenses but downgraded the frames. I wanted frames that needed no separate nose pads but none of those appealed to me, so I ended up with a metallic pink wireframe that was only $9. These will also be transition/progressives but with a wider band so that the edges aren’t so blurry. Both our glasses together cost over $300. The designer frameless glasses I got the last time cost over $400 alone.

I forgot to mention that the eye doctor said my corneas are a bit thick. I guess that’s common with OH and those that could go glaucoma.

So I still have two more appointments to deal with, the lab and then to pick up the glasses. Had Ricardo, who looked too young to be the licensed optometrist his name tag said he was, taken just five more minutes I would have been late for the dentist. I’m sure she would have waited, though.

Definitely had mixed emotions about seeing tall, willowy blonde Kathleen, LOL. She said, “Hi Jodi,” when we came in, and I told her what happened. She said she’s lost crowns before, too.

She looked fabulous today. I don’t remember what she was wearing. She stayed behind the desk the whole time and I really didn’t pay attention, but I did notice her beautiful necklace and how nice her longish, straight blond hair looked. Most noticeable was her bright blue eyes. She just needs to gain weight.

Kristi came and got me and asked where my bedazzled fashions were. Well, at least I had a bedazzling bracelet, and both she and the doctor loved my rat shirt.

The doctor was not only so nice but funny when she first came in after Kristi cleaned the crown. I told her I was never going to floss again in my life, haha, and she goes, “It’s nice to know you’ve been flossing.”

She’s such a sweetheart and I really appreciate her getting me in so fast. It will be a sad day when she retires. It only took five minutes. She asked if I wanted to get numb and I decided I would tough it out. She said I would only feel discomfort for a few seconds as that was a major tooth but by the time I decided I may want to get numb, it would be over. This was true. After the area was prepped and dried, I kind of moaned as she was reseating the thing, and she said, “I know, I know,” with much empathy. Not only was she hitting nerves, but she had to put a lot of pressure on it to make sure it was pressed in tightly. Then they cured the hell out of it to make sure it would stay put for a good long time.

So it’s nice to have my tooth back and to know I can count on her to glue me back together when I come unglued. :-) I just dread the day one of my full crowns lets go, especially the bridge because that would be two stumps exposed. To make crowns they grind your teeth down to little stubs.

I told her about the soreness I’ve been having and that I had decided to give it a week to see if it improved before the crown popped out. What’s weird is that I still have some sensitivity on the bottom front center where no work has been done. I wonder if it’s just soreness from all the work that has been done on me since nerves run all along that area, or if it could be the mouthguard. My TMJ has been much better, but I might have to get the guard adjusted. I didn’t know those things were adjustable, but since they took molds before I was crowned, it might need some tweaking, she told me. I’ll give it some time, though. She’s a sweetie and I adore Kathleen, but I would really rather not return until my March checkup.

I had a dream that I was at the dentist’s house for some kind of experiment on anxiety. I know I had other unrelated dreams, but I was too tired to take notes so I don’t remember them.

I saw the rest of the crew briefly except for Holly. The doctor said to Kathleen as I was leaving, “Isn’t her shirt so cute?” Then she went back to see other patients.

This was when I complimented Kathleen on her lovely appearance and she said something about it being nice to see me. I then said, “Well, hopefully I won’t have to see you for a long time… At least not here.”

In response to that, she said something like, “Oh, yeah,” or “Right, yeah.”

Then I went out into the waiting room. By then Tom was the only one there. When we arrived there were a few others. I told him I toughed it out without going numb, and Kathleen said something about me being brave and for Tom to treat me to dinner. I was definitely hungry too, because I had been afraid to eat. We got burgers and fries to the sound of blasting country music. So annoying, just like California’s slow drivers. The food was good, though. A little salty on the fries, but still good even if I couldn’t finish my burger or the fries. I was still a bit sore.

The KFC we went to the other day was surprising because there was no music at all playing.

Anyway, I’m not stupid. I know Kathleen’s not going to Facebook me. If she was interested she would have done so by now. You know the rules for me… No connecting with anyone really nice, really good looking or both. But yeah, I don’t see why she wouldn’t have Facebooked me and maybe even bought my books if she was that interested in being friends with me.

I started to think, watch. She’ll call to see how I’m doing in the morning while I’m sound asleep. But nah. I don’t think she will. So I’ll see her again in March as long as there are no other blowouts along the way.

Was losing the crown my punishment for befriending Kim under false pretenses? No worries if it was because the game’s already over. Yeah, Aly made me… again. That’s no doubt what she wanted to talk to Kim about.

I don’t get it, though. I just don’t get it. I went over and over the appearance of my account as well as what I tweeted and I just don’t see how she could have made me. She’s got to have hacked in somehow without Twitter notifying me that an unrecognized browser logged into that account. Then she would have had to figure out that the email associated with that account belonged to me. How she managed to do all this is beyond me but she had to have. There’s no other way. No one’s that good with people unless they’re unbelievably psychic.

So she and Kim both blocked me and she tweeted that she won’t be fooled again, and also: There are fascination and curiosity and then there’s obsession. If you can’t tell the difference between the two then it’s already too late.

Too late for what?

MONDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2017 We both went for eye exams today. This is the third time we saw the same doctor, Kristi G. She has the same fat black but pleasant assistant, too.

Tom still has a faint trace of a cataract growing and my OH is borderline. She did an extra field vision test on me and I haven’t lost any vision on the edges, so I don’t officially have glaucoma. She thinks it’s likely that my OH will remain the same all my life but we’ll keep a watch on it every year.

There wasn’t much change in my vision but I’m still going to get new glasses because every two years our insurance pays for new frames and I like variety. I’m going to go with the same thing… transition progressive lenses. Instead of going with designer frameless frames, I’ll probably get more colorful frames with no nose pads. We’ll pick them up tomorrow after we go to the lab.

After the eye doctor, we went to KFC. I got chicken and he got a chili dog. As soon as I sipped my cold raspberry tea I got a killer toothache that needed ibuprofen. It was a very strong and steady pain. The thing is that it wasn’t even where she was working, and sometimes the pain seemed to move. I thought it felt like it did start on the upper tooth she worked on, then moved to the lower back tooth she also worked on, and then finally settled in the front where she didn’t work at all. I don’t get why I still have this. Last night I woke up to pee and the pain was so bad in this area that I had to take ibuprofen. It seems that the longest I suffered after having dental work done was two weeks. Tomorrow will make one week, so if I’m not better by the 24th, I’ll call Kathleen, even though I would rather not see her until March if I’m not surprised by hearing from her before then.

I was really disappointed to see that not only do my books not have any reviews but Beneath the Smile hasn’t sold any copies yet. But then I noticed someone started a copy through KU and KOLL which I enrolled in. With this, your royalties are based on how many pages of the book the person reads. So far they’ve read 18 pages. It’s kind of cool to see their reading progress along the way.

Still not sure if I’m going to submit anything else for publication until after NaNo at the end of the year.

You know how random thoughts of the past sometimes pop into mind? Sometimes it’s something negative, sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it just is. I was telling someone how the poorest of the poor in the US still live in luxury compared to those in third-world countries. Then I added, “And M Dorm really was the Princess Dorm,” as those in Estrella Jail called its dorm for “seggies.” It was fairly new at the time and devoid of writing on the cell walls.

In the midst of cold showers, horrible food, nightmarish mattresses, no sleep, some inmates wanting to get down my pants (including a few guards), a few hotties in uniform, and a lot of homesickness, came the writing on the ceiling. LOL, my favorite cell, if you could call it that for someone who had no choice but to be there at the time, was on the end of the upper tier in the Princess Dorm. One time I was on the top bunk and if you sat upright you could reach the ceiling, even with arms as short as mine.

Not even jail derailed me from my journal. I would order notepads through the commissary, write a few pages at a time, and send them home to Tom. I later typed them up once I was released. Because I had to do everything longhand, my thoughts would sometimes be a lot faster than my hand in which case I took notes on the ceiling just above my head, haha. Laughing, I said to Tom the other day, “I wonder if they’re still there.” I doubt it, though. After 18 years I would think that it would get to be such an eyesore even for the guards that they would have been repainted by now.

During one of the times they shuffled us around, I was in another cell before I returned to that cell, only this time I was on the bottom bunk. I got a kick out of phony Mary above me reading them and trying to make sense of what they could possibly mean before I finally spilled the beans and told her I was the one who wrote them.

Kim and I have become “friends” and I have mixed emotions about that. I suppose karma is going to get me for it sooner or later (unless I’m Kim’s karma), and that I’m just as bad as she is by pretending to be someone else; this Krista S, while she lets me believe she’s this gorgeous guy. The question is what to do about it. Should I keep going as is? Ghost her? Tell her who I am?

And just why am I doing this? Oh, I guess just because I can. I’m curious to see how long I can keep it going, and maybe I hope to get a little information too, at some point. I’m curious to see what I can find out about myself, be it bullshit or not. It’s too soon, though, to be bringing up people we’ve dealt with online and subjects that may get her talking about me. Maybe Krista can eventually tell Kim that Jodi’s asking about her, LOL.

Her younger sister Tracy died last month unexpectedly at age 34. I don’t know why, though. All I know is that she was just as fucked up as Kim. Aly said the whole family was except for her older sister Carol. The karate instructor who dumped her husband for a woman.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 15, 2017 My fourth book has been released on Amazon! The book is heavy with sexual content. Before she dumped me, Aly inspired the BDSM theme in it, so it is rather explicit in some ways.

When Tom read it he surprised me by telling me he thought it was one of my best stories but at the same time, it was hard to read because of Tesla’s suffering. As a suspense writer, I definitely gotta pump up the drama. He said he found it to be a more complex plot than I usually do. I’m surprised because I really didn’t think he would like this one. I wasn’t so sure myself that I even hesitated to publish it at first. But then I realized that what’s good and what’s not is a subjective thing.

For a split second - just a split second - I almost wished my parents were here to share this with. You know, the mother that threw me into the state’s hands because I was too weird and too hyper and then told people I attacked her with a knife to cover her actions? The weapon changed along the way, of course. Sometimes it was a knife, other times it was a hammer. Believe me, had I attacked her I would admit it right here, right now because there’s no way anyone could use it against me at this point. Any destructiveness I did engage in was against myself.

Sadly, my mother got sick of having children around the same as a four-year-old might get sick of their old doll. But in the ‘50s and ��60s, you had kids whether you wanted them or not. It was much easier for her to tell this bullshit story to people rather than have to listen to them say, “What! How could you give up on your own daughter and give her up to the state just because the professionals said she had problems, which by the way, you’re the root cause of?” In her mind, this was a great way to justify making the house kid-free, since the others were already on their own.

Even if they were still alive, though, my father would be happy for me but my mother likely wouldn’t care, if she wasn’t jealous. Unless it was something she was into herself or was able to do as well, she usually wasn’t interested. Now, if I sold decorative flags, then she would be plenty interested because she did the same thing and that way there would be no “competition” being something she could personally relate to. It truly seemed that other than with my ASL, having a daughter who knew more things than she did was nothing to be proud of. No, it was something to be embarrassed by and jealous of.

Anyway, onto more pleasant subjects that don’t include toxic people, dead or alive. I used a random city name picker to select locations in the stories I’m doing for NaNo, and the damn thing landed smack dab on Sacramento. Tom was laughing his ass off over that one. I’ve done enough on the home front, though. Stepping into Psycho will be in Columbus, Ohio, and Roomies will be in Raleigh, North Carolina.

Brown-black hair on me is better than gray, but I still think this is a bit dark for me and a little witchy-looking. I don’t want to go back to traditional dyes so we researched other forms of hair coloring, and I think I might eventually try this henna-based solution so I can have light-medium brown. It’s a pain in the ass to use but doesn’t have any ammonia or peroxide in it, so it shouldn’t damage the hair.

There are some houses for sale here that are going for 164K. I went to a site that tells you the current value of your home and was told this place is worth a little over 100K. I don’t think so, though.

What I don’t get is… how blind can the park manager be? The kid in the loud car is back to zooming in and out several times a day, and I swear I saw their mutt running loose down the end of the street. How can they not know what’s going on with these people? I honestly can’t believe no one else has complained. Makes me think they’re affiliated with the park somehow and that they might work here.

Couldn’t get into Mindbender, so I’m just watching movies now on Netflix.

The weather has been in the low 80s. We went to Vintage & More where people sell things they no longer want or that they’ve made. There are so many things to look at in that store. Tons of dolls, knickknacks, jewelry and more. Despite the many goodies there I only walked out with a dazzling 4-dollar “diamond” bracelet. It’s so bright and flashy that it almost makes my rapidly aging skin that’s bedecked with age spots and wrinkles seem darker than it is.

“Krista S.” set up a bogus Twitter account last night and befriended Kim. Didn’t take long at all. Sure enough, she didn’t correct me and say it wasn’t her when I said she was such a handsome guy. rolls eyes I don’t know who that is in her profile picture but it’s definitely not her.

Kim followed me back and then I started following Aly but I haven’t tweeted, hearted or RT’d any of her tweets yet.

I noticed she tweeted to Kim that she really needs to talk to her about something important. My first thought was that she somehow knows I’m Krista, but if she did, couldn’t she have just sent her a DM? Well, I’ll find out soon. If Aly suspects me she’ll tell Kim who will block me.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 14, 2017 Tired of the poor-quality Lifetime movies on YouTube that I’ve been watching, I’m now giving Mindhunter a try on Netflix.

Chatted with Mr. Twenties yesterday who is painting their house silver with burgundy trim. When Tom and I were walking earlier we chatted with both of them for a minute when they were driving by the lake.

Saw Mr. Twenties again later on when we were trimming the African daisies in the front. The weather is gorgeous now. The only thing spoiling it is the plane game going on in the sky.

They’re doing a variety show which they’re going to be participating in. 25 years ago I would’ve jumped at the opportunity to join in, but since my interests shifted from singing and dancing to writing and languages I wouldn’t feel comfortable performing nowadays. It’s just not as fun as it used to be, even though my voice has improved with age and lack of smoking.

Today I’m not as confident that I’ll hear from Kathleen on Facebook as I was the last few days. I guess when you’ve recently seen someone you see things differently, but I agree with Tom in that I’m unlikely to ever hear from her. Even if she was attracted to me and even if there were no ethnic issues in her mind, I have my doubts simply because most people don’t follow through with what they say they’re going to do.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 13, 2017 LOL, the rats were out loose and I had to make sure they didn’t charge the door when I was going to get the mail, even though these rats aren’t as curious about the outdoors as others have been. Even so, Bob was getting the trash bins of the guy who had a stroke and Virginia was getting their own when I told her that the rats might want to follow me to get the mail. She makes a face and goes, “Ugh, keep ‘em over there.”

LMAO!

I had a dream last night that Tom and I were walking somewhere. I was ahead of him. When I turned back I saw some young guy bump into him and I had a bad feeling about it. That was when Tom checked his pockets and realized the guy had swiped his wallet. I ran off in pursuit of him and was led into this doorless brightly lit room with a discarded purse on the floor that I assumed had been stolen.

“I’m going to beat the shit out of him!” I shouted.

“No you’re not,” Tom said as I realized the guy had disappeared into thin air.

Then Tom began doing something on a computer that sat on a table nearby.

Anyway, I could whine and say why couldn’t I have attracted Stacey and Kathleen before I was married, but I wouldn’t have wanted them then. I was a lot pickier as far as what I was attracted to in those days. It still would have been nice to have them until I met Tom.

Still a little sore when I eat but getting better. When Tom saw Deep at work yesterday she said she was sore, too. She needs six cavities and I guess something isn’t right with her jaw either. I’m lucky in that my jaw and bone structure have always been good. It’s the enamel that I got shortchanged on. Deep’s husband is also going to need a lot of work so the good doc ought to appreciate all the business we’re sending her way.

In Indian culture, they live with their relatives. The parents always go to live the rest of their lives with their oldest male child when he marries. I guess part of that is why Deep and her husband really spoil their two-year-old son, from what I hear. As in your modern-day parents who basically don’t believe in teaching manners and discipline, LOL. Good God, though, 5 people in one apartment? No matter how much I didn’t like being alone I think that might be overkill for almost anyone.

Tom says they’re going through and cleaning out their place because they have a lot of junk accumulated, and asked if I would want any of her scented stuff, which I always love, like lotions and perfumes. Sure, why not?

When I said maybe we could meet sometime, he laughed and assured me that we wouldn’t like each other. She’s religious which I don’t like, and I talk too much which she doesn’t like. I would definitely rather get together with Kathleen! She doesn’t shut up either but at least we have more common ground.

The way she said, “We’ll talk soon” at the end of her message to me gave me a slight spark of hope. I know that’s a figure of speech that many people end conversations and messages with but it was more in the way she said it. Besides, it just doesn’t seem like something you would close with to someone who isn’t returning to the office they work in until spring.

I think I might take a break from editing past stories until after November NaNo. That way I won’t feel rushed. I’m going to have enough pressure on me trying to write 1600 words a day to win NaNo. I don’t think I’ll win, though, not because I can’t write that much in a day but because I just don’t think I have enough ideas for the two stories I’ll be working on. Below is the synopsis for both of them, but only the first one’s info will be filled out on NaNo.

Synopsis for Stepping into Psycho:

You’re young, beautiful, and you have your whole life ahead of you. But then a tragic accident leaves you in a coma. Nearly three decades later you awaken to a whole new world. Many of the people you knew have died or moved on. You feel alone in a now-foreign world.

Only you’re not alone. Nurse Flora is with you. This sweet, frail, seemingly harmless nurse is determined to help bring you back to life.

And she’ll happily do it at anyone’s expense.

Synopsis for Roomies:

Two lesbian couples living together is fine. But what happens when one of them feels she’s with the wrong partner and the partner of the person she wants is in the way?

Felicia and Lillian are a couple. So are Sherry and Sage. Sherry has always desired Felicia. Sage eventually leaves Sherry. In Sherry’s mind, this puts her one step closer to Felicia. Now all she has to do is figure out how to eliminate Lillian.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 12, 2017 A fun weekend ahead with Tom, chatting with Kathleen to look forward to, a record time without periods, a little weight loss, a lot of calmness… Trying not to think that things are a little too good to be true lately. I’m in the same situation I was in last year, only this time it involves Kathleen and not Stacey. I’m trying not to have the attitude that while bad things do eventually get better, good things also have a way of blowing up in our faces sooner or later.

The wildfires rage on in Cali and while it’s been a very devastating, sad and scary situation, we’re safe so far. They’re about 40 miles away from us. It was nice of people like Marie to care enough to ask. Of course, I haven’t gotten anything from my family.

Bob is working on something and has the garage door shut. I appreciate him having the door shut to muffle the sound even if that may not be why it’s shut.

Suddenly not feeling so calm anymore. Could it be that I’m not used to things going so well? My medication? Or is my paranoia radar turned on due to the silent message I got from someone in Maliheh’s town of Fayetteville? It wasn’t totally silent, though. During the 4-second message, it almost sounded like birds chirping as if the person was outdoors or something. After what they did to me in Phoenix I’m going to be paranoid for life! It’s just strange that I would get a call from there, even if it was likely a wrong number, after I get another spam/scam message from her Yahoo account. She’s so vindictive and the type that would no doubt do anything she could to set me up, but after all this time of ghosting me I would think she has better things to do. I sure hope so anyway. I don’t see how the police could get this number without hacking any of my accounts, and if they had they would have left a message just like they would have back in 2012. I ran the number and it goes to a Debra H. She doesn’t seem to be affiliated with the law in any way. I’m not gonna sweat it, though. All I did was tell Maliheh at her Gmail email account to take the responsibility of getting the damn account shut down because I want absolutely nothing to do with her.

When I was getting my green glow-in-the-dark nail polish from Joe yesterday, he was telling me that things were terrible the day before because he had so many packages to deliver. I told him I was in the dentist’s chair for 3.5 hours that day, LOL.

I was watching a video about a little girl who dressed up all pretty and left alone on the street at which time many people approached her with concern. Then they dressed her in filthy clothes and when she went back outside she was ignored. They did the same thing in a restaurant. When she was dressed up nice people gave her the money she begged for, but when she looked all bummy, she didn’t get shit.

It’s sad but true that looks still matter greatly in society and I won’t deny the fact that I’m 100% guilty of using my appearance to get ahead in life. I was never a beauty queen but if I hadn’t had the looks to be hired as an exotic dancer back in the 90s, I never would have ended up living where I lived which happened to be next to my future husband.

Same thing applies to today. I’m still no beauty queen and I’m actually a little bit heavy now, but I’m still just as flattered - maybe even more so because I’m aging - when a man or woman notices/compliments me. And yes, I’m still guilty of dressing to impress my husband along with an occasional lady like Kathleen, haha. If I don’t see her before my next appointment, though, I’m going to really throw her for a loop and surprise her with a little rattitude. Yeah, as in my rat shirt. :-) I’ll probably still have makeup on, though. If it weren’t for having to lie back in the dentist’s chair, I’d really surprise her with the hairpiece (long curls attached to a claw clip). But that wouldn’t be very comfortable for the dentist.

While it may not be fair that many people are overlooked in many different ways simply because they don’t meet society’s beauty standards, I still say if you’ve got something, use it. As long as no one’s being hurt along the way, I don’t see any harm in using one’s look to get what they want any more than using one’s skills or anything else. So however conceited some people may find it to be, I don’t mind going out of my way at times to give certain people a little something to look at. I don’t have to be gorgeous, but I don’t mind being a little less of an eyesore than I might be if I were less fortunate. Part of it does come from regular exercise, of course. As a short, aging Hashi, I would probably be a giant if I didn’t keep active.

Now here’s something I don’t get. This isn’t meant to judge or condemn any of those God-believers out there, but I don’t get the free will versus God’s plan thing. People say they have free will in one breath and that God has a plan for them in another. But isn’t that a bit contradicting? What’s the point of granting people free will if you’re just going to plan their lives for them? Am I missing something here?

For once I had interesting dreams. In the first one, I went to see a GYN who worked out of her house. She had several guests over at the time and some were playing pool. I kept wondering when she was finally going to bring me to wherever she examined patients, and when I finally asked her, she said, “You’re putting me in a strange situation,” or something like that, and I knew that what she was really saying was that she was too attracted to me to be my doctor.

“We could always be friends, you know,” I said.

“You would be up for that?” she asked, smiling brightly.

I assured her I would be, noting all the smokers in the room and picking up a cigarette and saying something about not smoking anymore.

In another dream, I was living in a Valleyhead-like place, but the place was a lot nicer. It was both cozier and homier and there was a lot more freedom there. I seemed to get along well with the girls, well, women and was getting a ride back to the house with one of my “sisters.”

“So if I went to someone’s house and then back to the house again I wouldn’t get in trouble for it? You can do that?” I asked someone, and they said yes.

Then I was at the house and asked someone sitting in the small living room if they would mind my dusting a bit, and they shook their head and said, “M-mm.” So I stepped into the small kitchen off the living room to fetch the dusting wand.

In the last dream, I was having dinner at a long table with several family members. I was at one end of the table. Two or three seats away sat Bill, and we seemed to be coexisting peacefully and I didn’t seem to harbor any hard feelings toward him, something that would never happen in real life. It’s one thing to respect my nieces from a distance. It’s another, if the cock were still alive, to put it in the same room with me. The issue also didn’t seem to be what it really was. I guess the fight had been all about a disagreement over my weight, haha. He said that his only problem back then was that people would claim I was small but he didn’t think so.

Yeah, whatever buddy. If I see you in the afterlife I’m still going to kick your ass for all you caused my husband and I to go through.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 11, 2017 “Hi, cutie,” Kathleen greeted me as I entered my dentist’s office yesterday. Again a part of me thought she was just being friendly while my gut instinct said otherwise. Is anyone really that touchy-feely and full of flattering compliments that are just being friendly? LOL, if I were homophobic then the last few years would really piss me off between her and Stacey. Despite what my gut is telling me, I still seriously doubt I’ll ever hear from her outside of the office. I realize this doesn’t mean she hasn’t at least looked in on me. She likely isn’t going to contact me because she works for me, as Tom pointed out, even if she may not work for me in the way the doctor does. Or maybe she’s put off by my not driving or feels that her attraction is all the more reason to stay away from me because we’re both married. Maybe she feels a friendship wouldn’t be enough for her. But then maybe she’s crazy. As I’ve learned, anyone can be crazy, and sometimes that includes people who are some of the nicest and seemingly harmless people on earth. And yet again maybe she really is just being super nice, even though I’ve never seen her treat other patients the same way, not that I’ve seen her interact with every patient that goes in there.

I was there for 3.5 hours and it was definitely a rough ride. So I’m quite relieved that it’s over even though it ended up costing us $800 instead of $600. The fucking insurance company didn’t pay as much for the mouthguard as we thought. Sometimes I wonder what the point is of having insurance when you still have to pay a fortune anyway. If it’s going to alleviate some of my pain and sensitivity, however, then it’s worth it. Tom is wonderful in that instead of throwing up his hands and saying, “Damn, you’re an expensive wife,” he has no problem making sure I get what I need.

So I said to Kathleen, “Guess what color?” since she always checks out my nails. She guessed purple. Wrong! But she was still amazed by how tiny my glittery red nails were as she took them in her hands to inspect them, saying something about princess nails. She wore the same pale pink nail color she had the last time and the same dull lipstick, a matte shade of terra-cotta. I think she would look better in light pink.

“We’re on the same page there,” she said in regard to my comment on her sparkly lapels (I wore a sparkly top). LOL, other than that she was dressed just as lamely as she was the last time. She’s a sweetheart, but we’re definite opposites in appearance. She wore a white blouse with clear gemstones on the lapels. She had a navy pantsuit on over it which hung from her too-thin frame like it would on a manikin. She’s even skinnier than Stacey. They probably both weigh about 100 pounds but Stacey is 5’ where Kathleen is about 5‘6” or 5‘7”. She’s a very frail woman. Stacey definitely had the better body, and probably the better everything except for the height and eyes. I definitely appreciate Kathleen’s height and I think she has prettier eyes, even though I usually prefer dark eyes to light.

Instead of what I thought would be Shannan coming to get me, she came around and opened the door just like last time and said they had my room ready for me. Then it was show-and-tell time as usual, haha. She put an arm around my left shoulder, took hold of my right hand and held it out to show my dazzling nails and outfit to Holly and Michaela. “Doesn’t she always look so cute?” she said.

Keeping her arm around my shoulder as if I was disabled or something, I gave her a quick hug with the arm that was closest to her and said, “I wish I was as thin as you.” Well, maybe not quite that thin, but her response was, “You’re beautiful,” and then she stopped to show me off to the doctor, even though she was still working on someone.

What was both strange and funny is that her actions sort of mimicked the dream I recently had of her kissing me on my head.

Finally, I was seated in the last room down. It was as freezing as usual and she told me to let her know if I wanted a blanket. I thought I would be okay but when Holly went by I flagged her down.

“Hello, beautiful,” she said and I asked for that blanket. Hell, I could’ve even used my new gloves in that place! I asked Holly why they keep it so cold and she said they get hot while they’re working if they don’t. She and the doctor both laughed when I said, “Where are the hot flashes when you need them?”

The only real disappointment besides all the time and money was learning that Shannan left. All the doctor said was that she wanted to do something else, whatever that is. Shannan is in her 30s, so she has many working years ahead of her. Meanwhile, Tom and I are getting the impression that the new doctor, who I haven’t seen yet, will eventually take over my doctor’s patients. At that time I’ll make a decision whether or not to stay or go somewhere else. If this doctor is suitable enough, then I may stay there because I know the staff well and feel comfortable with them. I’d miss Holly cleaning my teeth and I would certainly miss Kathleen. I worry that she’ll leave too, though she’s a little old to be suddenly wanting to do something else. I think she’s older than I realized. I thought she was around 50, but upon closer inspection of those zipper lips (lines on the edges of her lips) and overall appearance, she could be between 55 and 60. Wrinkles are more common in skinnier people, though. By most people’s standards, she’s very average in appearance but her friendliness gives her an air of attractiveness. She was probably pretty good-looking 20 years ago. She does have nice teeth and eyes. It’s the rest of her that’s just there. She’s too thin and her nose appears half-moon shaped from the side. We were surprised to learn her beautiful teeth are crowns. I wonder if she got them because she needed to or just for appearance.

Again, I don’t expect to hear from her, but I’m surprised she’s still this friendly, and even more so with each visit. I don’t go back until March so this will be a true test as to just how much she wants to connect with me. If she did, then I would think I would hear from her somewhere between now and my next appointment. If I don’t hear from her before then, then I definitely never will. The fact that I haven’t yet makes me wonder if I’ve got her all wrong or if I’m right on but she’s hesitant for the reasons I already mentioned. I should know for sure either way by March. Even Shannan once brought up on her own coming to see my rats, and she also said she’d look me up but she never did. People will say things out of kindness or to put you at ease and make you feel more comfortable around them, but you definitely can’t take them literally. A friendship might still be nice no matter how she likes me.

Anyway, the office isn’t so white anymore because Kristi, the new Shannan, is Hispanic. She’s just sort of there. I liked Shannan better. She made me feel more comfortable and I definitely felt safe with her maybe because she was so big. Becky H once said that no one wants to hug a stick, and I see her point. Hugging Kathleen felt like hugging a stick.

Jessica said hello too, before the doctor came in and had Kristi scan pictures of my teeth for the insurance company. Tom may have a phobia of dentists but he sure would appreciate how high-tech things are there. They have some really cool equipment.

It took about a half-hour for all the drilling, maybe slightly less. It was no fun at all. The doctor used a different type of numbing agent that was also free of epinephrine but did a better job blocking pain. I still needed her to stop a few times to give me additional shots because it is still a short-acting drug. Just not as short as the other stuff.

She had Kristi insert this thing that kept my jaw open when she was working on the upper tooth because I kept zoning out and closing on her, LOL. It’s hard to continually keep your mouth open as wide as possible anyway, trust me. With the bottom one, it wasn’t as important.

They gave me large sunglasses to wear to keep the glare of the light out of my eyes as well as the powdery tooth fragment floating in the air. The smell was bad enough. I hate the sound of that damn drill and I’m so glad it’s over! It’s like metal train wheels screeching along the tracks. I still managed to go through the whole thing without any chill pills.

Once I was all drilled out, Kristi told me I could go ahead and walk around while they were printing my crowns. I went out into the waiting room but by then things were so busy that Kathleen and I didn’t have any time to chat. People were coming and going and when they weren’t, she was either on the phone, talking to the staff, or busy on the computer. This woman left at one point and Kathleen looked at her strangely as they left. In anger? Irritation? Frustration? Her expression was hard to read and I didn’t want to stare her down either.

I did learn that she has a daughter because during one of her phone calls she told someone, “Thanks, but I’m good for now. I had a birthday and my daughter took care of me.”

Kristi, “mesmerized” by my sparkly shirt and Swarovski-like bracelet, came and got me a half-hour later and I thought the crowns would be printed by then, but the doctor had actually been designing them. I forgot that part. Even though this 3-D printer is radically different than Tom’s, you don’t simply print things out just like that. They wanted to do a color comparison first and then they printed them out. It was so cool too, because while I couldn’t see the printer, they started it on the computer that was by the chair I sat in and I could see the progress and time counting down. Each one took about 10 minutes to print, but then I had to wait for it to cool down, so it was quite a long appointment. Like I said, I couldn’t see the printer but I could hear it. It didn’t make the obnoxious alien sound Tom’s does, but it sort of reminded me of an old dot matrix printer, only lower-pitched and less screechy.

So she finally seated the crowns and I was good to go. Kathleen was just getting off the phone as we were heading out the door, so I got to say goodbye to her. She never mentioned contacting me, so neither did I.

I slept with the mouthguard last night with no problem and awoke with no TMJ pain at all. It’s too soon, however, to get a sense of how helpful it will be. At least I know I won’t have to worry about grinding my teeth this way.

My gums and jaw are a bit sore today, understandably, but my bite is right on. At first I worried that the new bottom tooth was too tall. My bite seemed to only hit down on that side, but as Tom said, it was just the residual effects of the numbing agent giving me that feeling.

Since I’ll likely be canceling my shrink appointment, all I should have until I see Dr. A on my birthday is an eye exam next Monday, and then a trip to the lab for both of us on Tuesday. He’s having the standard routine tests done and I’ll have my thyroid tested. I’m certainly under 16 now but there’s no way I could be in the single digits. I’m too calm.

After the dentist, we stopped at Wendy’s and ate with the usual blasting music. I’m so sick of having music forced on me whether it’s stuff I like or not. I’m there to either eat or shop, not listen to music. But we didn’t opt to take it to go, so music is what we got.

I’m even sicker of the never-ending slew of projects around here. The general traffic and landscaping are enough. They were paving streets a few streets down, and loud vehicles and equipment were coming and going by the house the last two days. Now there’s a work truck at B & V’s and I wonder how much racket I’ll be in for there. Please tell me they don’t need to be tented! That was maddening from across the street, so coming from right next to me would definitely mean I wouldn’t be getting any sleep depending on when they did it. All the hammering and sawing would drive me crazy for damn sure. That’s not just a one or two-day job but more like a week or two.

They’re still cleaning out the house across from Jon & Carolyn, too.

OMG, Kathleen just left a message! No joke. Of course, I fucking missed it because I don’t always have the phone nearby. She called to thank me for referring Deep, saying she’s delightful and she can see how we’d be friends. She also wanted to see how I was doing. Also, it was wonderful to see me yesterday, call her if I need anything, and we’ll talk soon.

Will we? I hope so, but either way, I called her back and got sent to VM. I told her she must be psychic because I was just thinking of her (for real) and explained that while I’m glad they like Deep, I don’t actually know her. She’s Tom’s coworker. Out of curiosity, I’ll have to ask Tom what she looks like. I know she’s a lot younger, like around 30.

I just realized I got a text message from them with a link to review them but when I clicked the link it said that it was removed because it violates their TOS. Oh well. I’ve reviewed them on Yelp and Google+ already.

Okay, so to finally wrap up this entry which has taken nearly all day so far thanks to both my ADD and Kathleen distracting me (at least I’m having trouble focusing in a good way for once), I’m totally disappointed though not surprised that the really loud car is back after more than a week of enjoying its absence. They were probably just vacationing somewhere.

What else… yesterday was 15 weeks since my last period and all five pairs of my glasses have been cleaned in our ultrasonic cleaner.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2017 Not at all looking forward to tomorrow’s dental surgery. I remind myself, as always, that anything is better than chemically induced anxiety, sprinkled with a bunch of wacky hormones. Anything. Damn, do I wish I could stand the anxiety (and I know it’s just a matter of time before it returns) so I could lose just 10 pounds. Just 10 pounds… that’s all I’d settle for at this point. But it’s just too awful of a feeling. It would be like trying to keep your head under water for 20 minutes or so. It’s just not going to happen.

I’m just about to cross the border of my 3.5-month no-period record. I would have to get to November without a period and to April without anxiety to really get any serious hope of being out of the woods as far as that goes.

My pit rash was much better until I shaved. So what am I supposed to do to keep it away for good, walk around with hairy pits for the rest of my life?

I was so full from yesterday’s meal at the IHOP that I didn’t eat for six hours, and when I did, it was just a small snack. I’m amazed that I woke up down 2/10 of a pound. I forgot to mention the gingerbread cocoa I had as well. They had pumpkin spice and gingerbread. I chose the gingerbread, and damn was it good! The mug it came in was huge too, almost like a soup bowl. It was topped with thick creamy whipped cream. One of the good things about not eating out regularly is that it makes it all the more special when we do. We just might return to the same place next time and get the same thing.

I’m not sure if I remembered to mention this or not, but a couple of mornings ago I took a walk over to the other side of the circle. The loud car wasn’t there but the quieter one was. If the house has been sold there are no signs saying that’s the case, so I really don’t know what’s going on. I’m sure that if the car doesn’t return, someone will get a motorcycle to make up for it, knowing my shit luck.

Since I’m going to be at the dentist for so long tomorrow, Tom’s going to read the book I last edited. After that’s published I’ll edit one more this month, then resume editing older stories in December. November will be to focus on NaNoWriMo.

We’re now 20 months away from having options as far as the earliest Tom could retire. It’s unlikely that he will at that time, though, because I don’t think we’d have enough money unless we wanted to live in a dumpy studio apartment back up and Klamath Falls. But it will still be nice to know we’ll have the choice 20 months from now!

After going on so many shopping sprees over the last five years, getting more than I need and just about everything I could ever want and getting that out of my system, I could easily stand to give up some things so he could retire early. If we’d remained broke it would’ve been harder because I would’ve missed out on so many opportunities. But now that I’ve had those opportunities, and now that the physical and emotional suffering I went through has made monetary hardships seem like nothing, I could easily give things up if I had to or wanted to.

But he’s still working and we’re still shopping. So… drain opener is on the way, along with glow-in-the-dark nail polish, an additional sticker for the kitchen, and a hanging crystal.

Looks like Maliheh never did regain control of her Yahoo email account because I just got spammed again and so did several of her contacts. I didn’t click the link because that’s a dangerous thing to do, but I’m sure it was either a virus, a phishing program, or a link to some kind of sex enhancer.

I’m a little surprised she hasn’t been able to contact Yahoo to get the account shut down if not back in her own hands. Just to piss her off, figuring it will get back to her somehow, I replied to her contacts, LOL. But yeah, unless she’s even more vindictive and heartless than I ever gave her credit for and it’s really some kind of an elaborate entrapment scheme, that account has been totally taken over. A few of her contact’s emails bounced. I’m not worried about it either way, but it definitely seems like she’s been hacked as opposed to any kind of game she’s playing.

On to Aly, the proudly owned submissive who just moved into an apartment building with her master and is just so pleased that the other tenants are in her age group. Yeah, Aly has never been into opposites. The more you have in common with her, the more she’ll like you. And of course the crazier you are and the more you’re willing to tell her what she wants to hear helps, too. If she was being truthful about her health conditions, and if I understood everything she told me, then according to my friend Kim, she’s looking at five years or less to live.

Why would she go from dating a woman to moving in with some guy as his sex slave, though, if her days were numbered? Maybe she’s in denial or she’s resolved to live her life as if she’s not dying and make the most of it and get whatever she can out of it before she dies.

I know I shouldn’t feel sorry for her with the way she’s treated me, but what a shitty hand to be dealt in life. First, you get breast cancer when you’re only in your 20s and you need a double mastectomy. Then you get this. I wonder if she would have treated me better had she not had these issues to deal with.

Later…

I saw Bob talking to a couple of guys who were under his house earlier. What kind of project am I in for next, and how much hammering and sawing will there be?

Chatted with Jon on Facebook and was stunned to learn he’s going to be 70 in a few months. Really thought Carolyn was my age and that he was in his late 50s, early 60s at the latest. He teased me by saying I was such a suck-up, but thanks anyway. I’m serious. They’re definitely older than I thought they were. No wonder they’re retired. When Carolyn told me they were retired I thought it was a little weird, but just figured they were doing really well and could afford to retire early. Carolyn thanked me very much for thinking she was my age, LOL.

In reading back on some of my ‘90s journals, I’m amazed at all the stupid things I did. Okay, I was still young, a bit naïve, and I still had some learning and growing up to do. But still… Making up some bullshit story for Marty about him falsely accusing me of prank calls just so I could have an excuse to lay into him and hope to purge the anger I’d harbored toward him for so long was kind of ridiculous. I should have confronted him face-to-face and been totally upfront and honest with him. I tried to in my teens but ended up feeling worse afterward because I lacked the communication skills necessary back then to find the words to express how I felt.

Had I been anything like I am now back then I would’ve kept it simple. Not in my teens but in my 20s. As in something like, “Threaten me again and it will be the last thing you ever do.” Period. As simple as that.

Really, who was God protecting back in the day by having me be so afraid to take a stand for myself? Those who threatened and screwed me over, or me? It’s unlikely the Martys of this world would have threatened me if I was like I am now. They wouldn’t mind seeing me go to jail for kicking their ass but they also wouldn’t want to go to the hospital either. Then again, many people underestimate others and overestimate themselves. Most men don’t think a woman can kick their ass. If there’s an afterlife, however childish and silly it may sound, I’d like to see both my uncles (and a few others) threaten me again. Oh yes, I would have loved to make some people just try to put their actions where their mouths were, but various circumstances prevented me from doing so. I wouldn’t have wanted to do it just because I was angry. It was never just about reflexively lashing out in the heat of an angry moment but also about getting a kick out of the shock I know they would have felt, and maybe sparing myself and others from their shit in the future because I would think they would think twice the next time around. But I was either too weak, too afraid, or there was some kind of hold on me. In Nancy’s case, my hands were really tied because she was the tougher one, and I would have lost my commissary and visitation either way. While others can get away with doing shit to me, I know damn well I would’ve been arrested had I shown any of these people what can happen when you threatened someone. That’s just my shit kind of luck.

I really hope I am never threatened again. I really do. One can only be forced by circumstances to turn the other cheek so many times before they explode. I don’t think I could stop myself from pummeling anyone who threatened me in the future no matter how much I wanted to. Even if it would be a total waste of time and not necessary if they were all talk and no action, I would be so fucking pissed as past memories flashed through my mind and I don’t think I could restrain myself. Let’s just hope I never have to find out. I really want to get along with people.

My God. Speech-to-text really makes it easy to ramble on and on, doesn’t it? What was intended to be just a few sentences is now several paragraphs.

Anyway, another stupid thing was the note to the people on the opposite corner of us in Phoenix with the yipping dog. Was I really that chickenshit that I couldn’t go straight to their door and confront them directly that I had to write up a note and sign it with a bogus name? I guess I was.

Oh, well. No sense in dwelling on these things, I suppose. What’s done is done and the past can never be changed. Only learned from.

I’m back on Dreamwidth. I would still prefer for most of the people I know not to find it, so I’m not sharing links and certain things like that. Another thing I like about it is that I can crosspost entries to LiveJournal.

He’s working a little OT and I’m soon going to unwind with my book. I’m going back to reading with my eyes as opposed to listening because Alexa sometimes has trouble syncing. This way I absorb the plot better and if I didn’t take in the last sentence or so due to being distracted or whatever, it’s easier to look back. I can also read when it’s noisy and when I’m having trouble sleeping but don’t want to get up and do anything.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 8, 2017 Love the new soap dispensers for the bathroom sinks, but had to dilute the one for lotion with water. The lotion alone is too thick for the pump.

Maybe I’ll go in for NaNoWriMo after all and do two stories, each with 25K words. So… soon to be prepping Roomies along with Stepping into Psycho. While I should have no problem finishing the stories, I don’t know that I’ll win the hard count of 50K words that November NaNo has because I’m pretty busy these days and that many words is a huge challenge. I don’t think most people realize just how huge of a goal that really is. I should easily make it 25K-30K, though.

I’m too lazy to get into the ideas I have for the plots now, but that could partly be because I don’t feel all that great right now. My stomach literally feels like it’s going to burst that’s how full I am. I don’t think I’ve ever been this full before in my life. If I weren’t so disgusted by puke I’d be tempted to stick my finger down my throat to relieve what feels like a bowling ball expanding in my stomach, haha.

The food was absolutely delicious, though. We went to the IHOP and finished just in time for a baby to be seated nearby. It was quiet at the time but I’m sure it would’ve been a matter of time before its ear-piercing shrilly cries would have ruined the peace, LOL. Not that it was quiet in there either. The usual blasting music. It was actually at a reasonable volume for a full house but not for being nearly deserted. At least the music itself wasn’t that bad. They played 70’s stuff.

Tom got Birthday Cake pancakes which he said was kind of weird, plus bacon, eggs, and hashbrowns. I got sirloin tips covered with mushrooms and onions, along with hashbrowns, eggs, and two buttermilk pancakes. I ate everything except for most of the hashbrowns which meant I consumed about 1000 calories in one sitting, something I almost never do.

After we left, we stopped at Raley’s and picked up a few things before heading home to a clogged kitchen sink. We’re working on that one. Meanwhile, Tom finished my bike. He had it on the bike trainer as he was tweaking the gears so they wouldn’t slip as much, and he added air to both bikes. We went for a quick ride and while that was fun, it was much harder on my overly full stomach. Bike riding really is better at night here. Too much traffic and dog walkers, some of which bark their little asses off at us, in the daytime. Also, it’s easier to see cars approaching from behind at night due to the spray of light from the headlights. In the daytime, it’s harder to crank your head and get a good look behind you, especially when the sun is blinding you. I swear, if I could keep a schedule I would definitely be on nights except for when I had appointments.

The problem with bike riding in such hilly terrain is that you have to do it regularly in order to be in shape for it, yet this climate isn’t ideal for that a lot of the time. We talked about getting electric wheels for going uphill, but we both agree that it would be better to invest in Segways or scooters or something like that in this terrain instead of adding to the bikes. We’re not going to bother with a golf cart because of the space it takes up and because those are very expensive. That’s the cost of the new roof we still need. I think Florida would be a better state for bike riding. It’s flat and it would be too humid most of the time for walking and running.

Norma’s husband Milton died, and I assume it’s from cancer, so I’m sad for her. And a bit worried, knowing that long-term couples tend to go within a year of each other. If her days are numbered, at least she won’t be dying young.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2017 Yesterday I opened the front door for fresh air when I saw Bob out there. We started off talking about the weather and I said the mornings were too cold and he said something about not seeing me out walking. I said I usually go out late at night even if it’s colder then.

Then Virginia came toward him with a cell phone that looked 15-20 years old, and then she and I spoke as he talked on the phone. I was telling her about the solar windchime and asked if she noticed it in the evenings. She hasn’t.

She said she loves the weather and could soak it up forever. I agree that while the days are beautiful it’s still too cold at night. She went on to say something about Trump’s first wife’s location of choice to live and vacation in, and I said I wished we could live in Hawaii at this time of year and not come back until May. I mentioned not liking Trump and being surprised and disappointed that he even got elected in the first place, and Virginia said she felt the same and that she’s also liberal.

Bob finished his call and asked if he could “cut the hell” out of a tree on the back corner and I said he never had to ask and that he could cut whatever he wanted and to let us know if he wants us to cut anything. Virginia said she had a suggestion and pointed out this thing that looked like a giant weed toward the front and Bob cut it down in two seconds flat. I said I had room in our green waste if he didn’t have any room in his but he said he had room.

I know we don’t have anything hanging over the retaining wall that’s blocking their path, but I worry we’ve got things that might be making a mess or that they might consider a real eyesore. Perhaps I shouldn’t because it’s our place after all, but they’ve been so nice that I don’t want them inconvenienced in any way or to have to see things that they consider a negative to the outside appearance. Wish I knew exactly what they might like trimmed or removed, but I know if I asked they would simply tell me not to worry about it. When I tell them they can cut anything they want I hope they don’t see that as a lazy excuse not to keep up on things ourselves, but they did say they understood Tom works a lot. They also know I don’t like working with bees and spiders.

Virginia also said she’s “getting old and getting fatter.” Yeah, so am I. But if I were her age (85) I wouldn’t worry about my weight, not that I told her that, LOL. Seriously, though, when I hit my 70s, what would be the point of trying to keep my weight down and myself in shape with a husband who is nearly a decade older than me? I only want to keep from gaining additional weight now so that it doesn’t hinder my mobility.

I asked Jon if he and Carolyn ever hear woodpeckers, and sure enough, all they hear are squirrels running across the roof. We do too, but I don’t mind that. It’s the fucking woodpeckers that I sometimes hear at sunup and sundown that drive me crazy because it literally sounds like someone’s hammering. Most of it comes from the patio roof by the master bedroom. Amazing how we’re the only ones, though, huh? We are just so fucking noise cursed! At least traffic didn’t wake me up last night.

There was a truck with a huge trailer at the abandoned house across from the Twenties. They appeared to have stripped the place. I saw appliances, boxes, and tons of other shit in the trailer.

I hope I don’t jinx myself by saying this but I haven’t heard the young guy in that loud car in about a week. It’s ironic too, that it should disappear right after I make an anonymous complaint. If I had to guess, though, it isn’t because of me. They were here for almost a year and I can’t believe others didn’t complain long before I did. Even if they did, the most likely scenario is that Tom was right about it selling to someone who made an offer outside of the sites the house was listed on when it was on the market. Sometime I’ll walk back there and see what I can see. Or maybe the influencer struck again and the guy ended up totaling the fucking thing. Could be in jail, too. There’s no way to know at this time. I’m still putting my money on Tom’s theory about a private sale.

As much as I wish I could bring myself to stop for good, curiosity still gets the better of me and I sometimes look in on Aly’s tweets. IDK, I guess I also do it just because I can and because I have the time. In one tweet she said: I’m primarily self-employed but w/out birth control, my MDS and anemia issues would be horrendous. It’s not cheap but is so necessary for now

So Aly really wasn’t kidding about the cancerous cells in her blood and about talk of a bone marrow transplant, along with chemotherapy and the blood replacement thing to take out the iron in it or something to that effect. Deep down I didn’t think she was even though she tends to be a drama queen of sorts.

She’s also notorious for riddles and cryptic tweets. In a recent one, she mentions getting some news that will make the weekend stressful and kind of sad. I wonder if that could be health-related.

I did more research and if I read things correctly, she may not even live to be my age. She may not even make it to her 40s, but because she’s younger and that’s only a few years away, I think she will. It says that most people who get MDS are older and that only 6% of the younger population gets it. It’s also rarely cured, and depending on age and seriousness, your survival rate is usually 9 months to 12 years.

So is she actually “dying?” I don’t know, but the prognosis for life expectancy doesn’t look that good unless I’m missing something. Leukocytosis was another word she mentioned, but I’m not sure what the odds are on that. I would still think that most cancers are manageable enough, even if they can’t be cured completely, and that she’s got many years ahead of her. I know I shouldn’t care because she was a horrible friend who did horrible things to me, even if I was less than perfect myself. I’m just curious by nature, I guess.

Last night I dreamed that Tom and I were walking down a dark street at night. Houses flanked the road, which seemed almost in a semi-rural area. There were many trees at the sides of the road that were very tall. While I didn’t feel any wind down by the street, I could hear the sound of wind rustling the treetops way up above. When I commented on it, Tom said something about it being virtually cloudless, as if that explained the wind.

“Let’s move down here,” Tom said, and we picked up our pace.

I said something and then he said something about not wanting people to see the blue light. He wore a hat with some type of strange blue LED light on it.

I began running toward a steep hill and exclaimed, “Fun time! But not as fun as on the bike.”

Then in a split second, it was daytime and the hilly road turned into a waterslide. We slid down on sheets of plastic, and then in another second, the slide became a few steep steps. A woman with auburn hair stood on a step in front of us and Tom pointed to her hair and started talking about hair dye and the way it was cut and stuff like that.

Next, I was in a store or restaurant that seemed to be mine and going through some stuffed animals I had scattered about the place for someone’s daughter.

Lastly, I was trying to coax a large dog off a bed while laughing at a cute rat on some bookshelf.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 5, 2017 Kathleen called and my first thought was that she was going to want to reschedule my appointment. Instead, she said my retainer was ready and that I could come in and try it on. I’ll give her a call later and explain that I wasn’t going to pick it up until my appointment next Tuesday unless I can go in this Saturday. Might as well wait till Tuesday, though. I’m sure they’ll be okay with that.

I almost didn’t confirm my appointment in the email I got to see if it would prompt her to call. Realizing how silly that was now that I’m totally sure I’ll never hear from her outside the office after having time to reflect on it and remember that she does work for me and that old patterns don’t usually change this late in life, I went and confirmed. But then there she goes and calls me at 4 o’clock, a few hours after I crashed.

From the sound of it, she may have already undergone that inevitable change. She sounded more serious and less cheery. In some ways, she almost sounded hushed and rushed. Not much of a difference yet, though, compared to how drastically Stacey changed.

Even though I no longer think she may like me and I don’t believe we’ll have a simple friendship, I still sometimes wish some unbiased person had witnessed our interactions to give me their opinion. In some ways, It’s hard to believe I was wrong about her being attracted to me. I was right about Stacey, after all, and I’m still a pretty intuitive person who picks up on these things and just things in general. But if I had five unbiased witnesses it sure would be interesting, being the curious person I am by nature, to see how many would say they thought she was or wasn’t just being friendly.

At this point, despite the feelings I got from her words, actions and the way she’d look at me, I don’t see how she could be attracted to me. She would have contacted me, unethical or not. While it would have been nice to have her as a friend I still think it’s easier not to bother and to just keep to myself. So, history repeating itself in a sense is a good thing.

Even though women can usually be friends with those they’re attracted to as opposed to men, who prefer all or nothing, the pattern is clear. The number of women who have blown me off or left the area if I didn’t leave first shows there’s a very good chance that something up there definitely doesn’t want me interacting any more than I did with them to begin with.

Last night’s dreams:

Worried that Dr. A might see my dream notes and become thoroughly confused if not worried for my sanity.

Flying low over a foreign country and reading all the foreign writing on the stores in buildings.

Being sent to a jail that didn’t seem anything like a typical jail for something I did to some company.

Tom works with a 30-year-old Indian lady whose native language is Punjabi. She was recently started on levothyroxine and I told him to warn her of what can happen on the stuff. While many people have had the problems I had, and have doctors that don’t warn them up front, most people take it without issue so he didn’t see the point in scaring her.

Anyway, she’s going to see my dentist the day after I see her. She said that when she scheduled the appointment (we’re surprised they’re getting her in so soon), they asked how she found them. I’m guessing she spoke to Kathleen. She said her coworker’s wife referred her and gave her my name. I wonder if I’ll get some kind of discount for the referral. A couple of years or so ago the dentist sent letters out saying anyone who referred anyone to her would get a $100 discount. Either way, she’ll be in good hands.

Tom wondered if the office was a little too “white” for her but if that’s the case maybe she should go back home. Seriously, though, I’m sure the staff will have no problem whatsoever with her. Not only do the vast majority of people not have a problem with those of different colors and cultures despite the media making it seem otherwise since it’s the haters we hear more about, but I’m also pretty intuitive in that kind of way. I highly doubt any of them would give a shit about color, nationality, or sexual orientation.

She does, however, know the people next to them who do henna tats which many Indian and Middle Eastern women get.

It was funny because she told Tom they asked him what they should call her. Her name is Pawandeep and I guess her family calls her Pawan while others simply call her Deep. LOL, Well, Deep is in deep shit if she accumulates a little too much thyroid medication in her system or has pocket flares within the gland. I don’t think she has Hashimoto’s, though. I think she had an entirely different situation. Some kind of growth on the gland. She also couldn’t stop gaining weight. I can’t lose weight without starving, but I was never at the point where I was gaining out-of-control, and there are no growths or enlargement of any kind in my case. Hopefully, she won’t have any issues with the meds, especially once she hits perimenopause.

I’ve been feeling well but I’m now full-blown watery. I hate this going back and forth with the water, but as I read, it’s part of crossing over into menopause. Really hope I lose the water eventually for good. The only thing that sucks about feeling calm is knowing that sooner or later the anxiety is going to get me again right along with another period. I’ve never gone longer than 3.5 months since I went into peri, and I only did that once. That was last fall. I would be really surprised to make it to the 20th of this month without a period. You know I never get any breaks and I never get off easy in any way. I’m going to have periods later than most women.

For the longest time, I criticized those who would come to this country and be too lazy to learn English. Yes, I still do think a lot of them are just plain lazy, but I’ve also come to realize that not everyone has the knack I have for languages. Tom, who is a genius in many ways and way smarter than your average person, could never become fluent in any language other than English even if he lived in the country that spoke it. So yeah, they’re not all “lazy.” Being around a bunch of mathematicians wouldn’t make me good with numbers any more than being around a bunch of cooks would make me a good cook.

We’re really excited about this thing that Google is about to release, being the tech junkies that we are. It’s an earbud with a microphone where I could talk to someone who spoke only Japanese, for example, and the voice would translate my English to Japanese for them and vice versa. That is just so damn cool! Maybe it would be fun to use when watching movies in foreign languages so we didn’t have to read the subtitles. Of the many languages I’ve studied, I don’t know any of the Asian languages so I could try it on that.

Our phones print out what people say in voice messages to us, so you don’t have to listen to the actual VM if you don’t want to. I’m amazed at how accurate it was given how fast Kathleen spoke the message she left me. She said over 63 words in 17 seconds.

I played it for Tom and he agrees her voice is a bit obnoxious because it’s high-pitched. It’s a very friendly-sounding voice but otherwise annoying. Stacey definitely had the better voice.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 4, 2017 Today I have been smoke-free for 20 years! I’ve been fat ever since but if returning to a size 3 meant not being able to breathe all over again, I would gladly stay a size 10-12!

On the 27th of this month, I will have been keeping a journal for 30 years! So a couple of definite impressive milestones this month to be proud of.

We went out walking late last night and it was utterly freezing in the high 40s. I usually like to walk before I run, but I was so cold that I broke into a run right away to try to warm up. I never did, though, and so I’m going to get myself a hot pink 3-hole ski mask as well as pink and black microfleece-lined gloves. The pale pink knit gloves I have don’t really keep my hands all that warm.

Carolyn is 63 today. About 5 years older than I would have guessed her to be.

Just a bunch of snippets of dreams last night…

Heading toward an exit after some kind of event as a young woman in a sparkly leotard and lots of makeup closed a door as someone told me that the exit was for the performers.

Entering an arcade and wanting to play a certain game even though I knew it may put my computer at risk of getting a virus.

Me with another guy and a couple of kids on a swing set in a rural area (makes me wonder about the parallel lives theory again since an afterlife doesn’t seem scientifically possible) waving to a guy passing on a moped and thinking of the slower, quieter times of day in which to rest or do certain things if I wanted to.

Handling a typical soap dispenser.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 3, 2017 While I’ve never personally owned a gun, I am all for the right to bear arms and even kill in the name of self-defense. But what happened in Las Vegas is terrible. Just terrible! The question is how to keep the right to bear arms and those arms out of the wrong hands at the same time. Until then, may the survivors heal as quickly and as efficiently as possible!

Last night I dreamed we were living in a regular neighborhood. There was a two-story house next to us and I knew that some people had just moved in and that I was probably going to have to ask them to curb their mutt’s barking as soon as I heard it, knowing they likely wouldn’t allow it indoors.

Sure enough, I was doing something in the kitchen when I heard a bark. I looked out the window and saw a smallish dog tethered not in their backyard but at the side of their house in the space that ran between our house and theirs. Knowing there was no way I was going to tolerate barking that was literally right outside our window, I headed over there.

Once outside, I spotted a woman who multiplied into half a dozen men and women in just seconds. They were in their 20s and 30s and after they introduced themselves they explained that they were renting the place. They seemed really nice, but nonetheless, I told them, “I love animals but I hate barking,” and asked that they move the dog away from our house. I don’t know how they reacted to this request because I woke up before they could answer.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 2, 2017 Love how Alexa can now make phone calls. I could relax in bed and tell her to call Tammy or whoever. It was funny because I tested it by having her call me and as I spoke into the phone my voice was also coming out of the Echo. I still prefer email and messenger to live chats, though.

The old lady in Tennessee that I thought was ghosting me left a comment on my latest entry. Nothing about my books, though.

Although she doesn’t do it as often as the girls do, Tammy shares posts about missing those in heaven every now and then, and I’ve noticed she’s been doing it more lately since Bill died. Sometimes I wonder just who she has in mind when she posts these things, but she did mention dad in the last one.

Love my new rat mug. It’s a large heavy mug and the rat silhouettes are very distinct.

Tom printed a new hook for the mailbox key and wrote the word “mail” in pink with the 3-D pen. It looks damn cool!

Last night I dreamed that Kathleen was kissing me on the head, and then I guess I was living with my family in the house that was next to my grandparents. In fact, I was on my way over to my grandparents’ when I spotted a black bear cub running through the woods, which extended further between the houses than it did in real life.

Then I was inside our house handing my annoyed-looking father what looked like a stack of old vinyl records and asked that he find a way to recycle them.

[ereardon]

My Girl [Chapter 9][Jake "Hangman" Seresin x OC]

Summary: Jake Seresin could be the answer to all of your dating woes. He’s the full package: steady job, mature, dependable, attractive to a fault. The polar opposite of every guy your age and he’s everything you’ve ever wanted in a partner. But there’s one roadblock: he’s a single father to four-year-old Ellie. Jake is looking for a level of commitment you’re not quite sure you’re ready to give, and he’s not willing to bring someone into his daughter’s life who isn’t there for the long haul. And even if you are stepmom material, is Jake ready to let someone back in his life while still mourning the recent loss of his late wife? 

Pairing: Jake “Hangman” Seresin x OC [Lawyer Natalie West]

WC: 2.4K

Warning: Age gap, cursing, fighting, light smut, angst, mention of death

Series masterlist here

Please fill out this form here to join my tag list

You had tossed and turned all night, debating whether or not to get up and leave. 

In the end, you fell asleep on the edge of the bed, Jake snoring softly next to you, blissfully unaware. 

How could you blame him? He was sleeping next to a warm body in the room he had shared with his wife for years. How could you fault his subconscious? 

But you can’t say it didn’t break your heart to feel his warm hands on your bare skin and her name on his lips as he brushed his mouth against your shoulder. How the ghosts of his touch were still hot across your skin, his essence still inside of you, your leg wrapped around his. 

It broke your heart to know that twelve hours before you had told him you loved him for the first time. 

Perhaps worse, knowing that he had been the one to say it first left you with more questions than answers. 

When you woke, the bed was empty. His absence gave you time to clear your mind, take a shower, rest your forehead against the cool marble counter of the bathroom and take in a deep breath before emerging into the kitchen where Ellie sat at the kitchen island on a bar stool, eating a bowl of fruit and yogurt. 

Both she and Jake looked up when you entered, their faces lighting up, and a pit grew in your stomach. For the first time, you realized just how much energy it took to be a parent, to shield your child from pain when all you wanted to do was crumble. How difficult it was to keep a smile plastered to your face when inside you felt like a melted ice cream cone. 

“Good morning,” Jake said softly, crossing the kitchen and to your shock, placing a kiss on your lips quickly. It was so brief it was almost a whisper, but you saw Ellie’s eyes on the two of you the entire time. 

It was a line, and Jake was crashing past it. 

“Sleep OK?” he asked, moving to the coffee machine and pouring you a mug before setting it down on the island in the place next to Ellie. You slid onto the barstool to her right and wrapped your shaky fingers around the mug, nodding as Jake poured cream on top of your coffee until it was a milk chocolate color. 

“Yup,” you said softly. Next to you, Ellie swirled her spoon around her bowl. “I should probably head home soon.”

“Really?” Jake frowned, leaning against the counter, one foot crossed in front of the other. He was still wearing a pair of pajama bottoms and a soft henley top, his hair perfectly ruffled. He looked more handsome than ever, and it made your heart pang with longing knowing that you weren't sure how long you'd have with him. The events of the previous night had you doubting your future with Jake. “I thought maybe we could go to a movie.” 

You took another sip of your coffee before standing, dumping the rest in the sink and running the faucet to rinse it out. “I have a lot of work to catch up on from taking a half day on Friday,” you said. “Thanks for the coffee.” 

It was almost impossible to look at Ellie without tearing up. Something about her ethereal innocence made tears start to well behind your eyes. 

“Bye sweetie,” you said, reaching out and smoothing down her hair and she grinned. 

“Bye Natalie!” 

You headed down the hallway toward the foyer, grabbing your purse from the entryway table, digging your keys out of the side pocket. In the kitchen, you could hear Jake’s muffled voice, followed by his footsteps as he quickly jogged down the hall. “Nat?” he said softly, one hand coming out to rest on your upper arm. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” you choked out but you knew it sounded like a lie the moment the words spilled from your lips. “I’ll talk to you later?”

You turned to open the door and Jake slid in front of you, worry creasing his handsome face. 

He reached out to gather you in his arms and you visibly flinched. Jake’s face fell. 

“Baby,” he murmured and you gave him a tight smile, reaching out to grab the door handle, pulling it open forcefully. 

You leaned up and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “I’ll call you.” 

And then you disappeared out the door, leaving him in stunned silence in your wake. 

***

Two days passed with you dodging Jake’s evening calls, sending follow up texts to let him know that you were working late and didn’t have time to chat. It wasn’t necessarily a lie. You were working, but from the comfort of your couch, laptop warm on the TV tray you had spread across your lap. 

On day three, Jake left a voicemail when you didn’t immediately answer the phone. Your hands shook as you lifted your phone to listen.  

Hey baby. I know something is going on. I thought we were on the same page the other night, but I must have done something wrong. Whatever it is, we can work through it. I meant it when I said I love you. That hasn’t changed. Call me when you’re ready. I love you, Natalie. Talk to you soon. 

His message was so genuine it made you sob, curled in a ball on the couch. You had already started mourning him in your head, even though you loved him.

You weren't ready to lose him. But you were afraid you already had.

***

“She obviously regrets saying she loved me,” Jake said, lifting the paper coffee cup to his mouth. 

Rooster sat across from him at the cafeteria table, picking at a scone on top of a waxy brown paper bag. He shook his head. “I don’t know, man. I saw the way she was looking at you.” 

“It’s been four days,” he replied. “She hasn’t answered a single call, just texts me back after I call her with an excuse about why she didn't pick up.” 

“Have you tried to see her?” 

“No, she’s avoiding me.” 

“Maybe she’s just busy,” Rooster said, crinkling the corner of his pastry bag. “Nix and I can babysit tonight if you want to go over and talk to her.” 

“Really?” Jake sighed. “That would be awesome, thank you.” 

Bradley jiggled his leg under the table. “She seems like a nice girl,” he said after a moment. “But are you sure you know what you’re doing?” 

“What do you mean?” Jake looked up with hard eyes. 

Rooster simply shook his head. “I’m just thinking, if you saying I love you is enough to make her run, is she really the kind of girl you want helping to raise Ellie?” 

Jake stood up, snatching his empty coffee cup into his hands. “She’s absolutely the person I want raising Ellie beside me. I don’t know what she’s thinking, but I know what I’m thinking. I love her. I’m going to do whatever I can to keep her.” 

***

You had ordered enough Chinese food to feed an entire elementary school class. So when the doorbell rang, you swung the door open without bothering to look through the peephole, already counting out a cash tip by the time your eyes lifted and you saw Jake staring back at you. 

“Hey honey,” he said sweetly and you smiled automatically despite yourself. 

“Jake. Hi.” You were awkward. 

He shifted his weight, still standing on the other side of the door frame. “Sorry to just show up, but I was hoping we could talk.” 

“Um,” you looked at your phone. The food was coming any minute. You couldn’t keep brushing him off. “Sure, come in.” 

Jake’s fingers grazed your sweater-covered arm as he slipped past you into the hallway and you shut the door, wandering back to the couch that you had just vacated, clearing room for Jake on the opposite end. 

“What’s up?” you asked innocently. 

Jake gave you a sad smile. “Honey, we both know you’ve been avoiding me since the weekend.” 

You couldn’t even pretend it wasn’t true. 

He sighed. “I just want to know what I did so I can fix it,” he said quietly. Jake leaned forward, taking your hands into his large, warm ones. “Nat, sweetheart. What did I do?” 

His green eyes were like two daggers staring into your soul. You had spent four days weighing your options of how to play the situation out. 

But in the end, it was easier to tell the truth. “You called me Lizzie,” you whispered and you watched as Jake’s jaw dropped. “The night I stayed at your house. While we were sleeping, you rolled over and called me Lizzie.” 

Jake was stunned. He pressed his hands against his face, dragging them down over his forehead and eyes and cheeks before looking back up and shaking his head. “Fuck, Nat. I’m sorry. Honey, I am so sorry. Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” 

You could feel the prick of tears in the back of your eyes, that soreness building in your throat as you tried to choke them down. “Because I feel like I don’t have the right to be upset about it.” 

“You absolutely have the right to be upset about it,” he said instantly. “Natalie, I’m so sorry, but you have to know that I wasn’t awake when that happened. I would never consciously do that to you.” 

You shook your head. “No, I know that. Of course I know that. But it doesn’t negate the fact that maybe you’re not ready to move on.”

“That’s not true.” His voice was thin, barely a whisper. 

“Jake,” you said and your voice cracked on his name. “I don’t know how to do this. Date a widower. At first I thought Ellie was the big hurdle in our relationship but she really isn’t. Ellie is amazing and sweet and even though I was never a kid person before I met her, I really think I could be a part of her life if you let me.” You had to choke back a sob, and in front of you Jake’s eyes were slowly turning glassy. “It took me a minute to realize that our bigger issue is the fact that I’m not sure you’re really ready to be in a relationship.” 

“But I am,” he said and you heard the pain laced through his words, the slow and deliberate way that he replied. Like he was trying not to dissolve into tears. “Nat, sweetheart, trust me when I say that I want to be with you.” 

“Do you know what it’s like comparing yourself to someone every step of the way?” you asked softly. “I’m competing with a ghost, Jake. A perfect ghost. Lizzie was the love of your life and Ellie’s mom. I can never fill those shoes, even if I wanted to.”

Jake lurched forward, pulling you onto his lap, your arms automatically winding themselves around his neck. He brushed a chunk of hair from your face where it had fallen out of your low bun, and then let his thumb linger over your lips before moving down your jaw. “Sweetheart, I’m not sure how to say this, so I’m just going to try. Lizzie’s gone. I loved her, and a part of me is always going to love her. She was my wife. She is Ellie’s mom. But you can’t spend your entire life in mourning. She loved us so much, and she would have wanted us to be happy. Honey, you make me happy. I’m not looking for someone to replace Lizzie in our lives. I’m not looking for someone to swoop in and be my wife or be Ellie’s mom. I fell in love with you for who you are. I brought you into our lives because I wanted you. Not because I’m looking for a replacement for something that I’ve lost. So don’t let yourself think that you’re competing with a ghost. We’re not holding you to any standards or making comparisons. You’re perfect the way you are, sweetheart. I love you for exactly who you are.” 

Jake’s voice cracked at the end, and you leaned forward, pressing your chest against his, feeling his arms wind around you and tug you in tighter as you sat straddled on his lap. Jake’s fingers ran gently over your back, caressing you lovingly, and you felt tears softly soak the shoulder of his shirt where you laid your head. 

“Honey,” he whispered, fingers still tracing up and down the length of your spine. “Come back to me. Please. I can’t lose you.” 

You pulled back, placing one hand on each side of his face. “You’re not going to lose me. If it’s me that you want, then I’m right here.” 

***

You spent the night at Jake’s on Friday after going to see a movie with him and Ellie. 

Ellie had held your hand as you walked down the street to the theater. Later, when Jake put her to bed she requested that the two of you read her a bedtime story so the three of you had huddled onto her little pink bed and read a book together. 

Jake had kissed her forehead and you tiptoed out of her room, shutting the door softly. 

In the kitchen, Jake poured two glasses of wine and leaned over the granite island, taking one of your hands into his. “Are you OK?” he asked softly. 

You nodded. 

“Will you stay the night?” he asked. “Please?”

You had simply let Jake take your hand, lead you to the bedroom, help you strip off your clothes and settle into the fluffy bed. He held you in his arms, whispering praise into your ear as his fingers slid down your body, landing between your legs. Within minutes, Jake’s thumb circling your clit, index and middle finger thrusting inside of you, you were cumming on his hand, moaning softly into the pillow as Jake murmured, “That’s my girl. Such a sweet girl, cumming on my fingers like that. Such a perfect honey, I love to hear you moaning for me. You're so perfect, baby.” 

Afterward, Jake pulled you in close, your back pressed flush against his chest, one large hand spread over your stomach as his chin hooked on your shoulder. His lips brushed your temple and as you drifted off to sleep you felt Jake squeeze you in tighter, his husky voice delicate in your ear. 

“I love you, Natalie. So damn much. Sometimes I can’t believe that you’re mine. I love you, honey. Now go to sleep.” 

His words made warmth spread through your chest, but there was still a nagging feeling deep in the pit of your stomach. Somewhere in the dark recesses of your gut was a voice telling you not to get too comfortable. 

That Jake, for all of his handsomeness and intelligence and maturity, still didn’t realize what he was signing up for. What he was asking of you.

You were still worried that everything the two of you had carefully constructed sat on a ledge, just waiting to shatter. 

Tag list: @double-j @seresinhangmanjake @topguncultleader @hangmandruigandmav @momc95 @minamisulemisa @shawnsblue @blue-aconite @brehonodea @crthurston @angelbabyange @jason-toddsthighs @secretsicanthideanymore @taytaylala12 @mandylove1000 @mizzzpink @showmethewayhomehoney @tvjunkie08 @mygyn @wkndwlff @sadpetalsstuff @shanimallina87 @averyhotchner @oneelleandaneye @starrynightskyz @daddymack01 @buxkybarnez @pookie-cleary @clairedelarosa-blog  @princessofglitterland  @tiredqueen73 @lovingjakeseresin @lilyevanswhore @kurtkunkle17 @amortentiadrops @hotch-meeeeeuppppp @abaker74 @xoxabs88xox @novagreen04 @townmoondaltwistle @rosiahills22 @indynerdgirl @entertainmentgal8 @misshoneypaper @starkleila @ebonyhogan24 @rosewritesitout @sammysimpin @khaylin27 @localhockeygirl @eyesthatroll @wildxwidow @wildlyobserving @bellaireland1981 @wittywhispers-blog @xomrsalliej4787xo @rosiahills22 @oiseul @showmethewayhomehoney @callsign-joyride @teacupsandtopgun @jordanturpen @sexytholland @daddymack01 @pookie-cleary @eternalsams @djs8891

[delacyrose224]

Message in a Bottle

-Pairing: Beomgyu x reader

-Words: 4.8k

-Rating/Warnings: SFW, non-idol AU, rock band AU, best friends to lovers, mentions of drinking, mild cursing, fluff, angst

-Author's Note: This Taylor Swift song has been begging me to write a fic, so here we are! Beomgyu just won't leave me alone these days, so here's a New Year's Eve fic centered around the one and only Mr. Choi. Enjoy!

------------------------------

“For the fancy lady with the new job.”

You roll your eyes as your best friend exits the ice cream shop in front of you, gloved hands clutching two soft serves as he smiles at you. Eye roll aside, you take the strawberry confection out of his hands. Though it makes next to no sense in the dead of winter, a hallmark of your friendship with Beomgyu is getting ice cream together, no matter how the weather protests.

“I’m not fancy,” you finally say around a mouthful of ice cream. Beomgyu simply shakes his head, rolling his eyes back at you.

“Okay, whatever you say. Just a new job then, in a nice building downtown, with a pay raise. Not fancy at all.” He grins goofily across his cone to you as you give in and laugh. “But seriously…how do you feel about starting a new job right before the new year?” Concern laces his features-he knows that you’ve been searching for a new job for a while, but he also knows how change makes your stomach churn, which is exactly what it starts doing when you reply.

“I’m nervous. Excited, but nervous. What if everyone thinks I’m incompetent? Or just doesn’t like me?” You scuff your boot against the sidewalk, back and forth.

“Well one, you’re not incompetent because you wouldn’t have gotten the job if you were, so there’s that off the table. And if they don’t like you? I’ll come kick their asses.”

You know he’s joking, but as you look up at Beomgyu, you can’t help but notice a hint of steel behind his usual mischievousness.

“You couldn’t kick anyone’s ass if you tried,” you retort, swatting your arm towards him. You’re surprised when he catches your wrist in a tight, strong grip, the veins in his forearm standing out a little when he takes a step closer to you.

“Don’t forget I’ve been working out lately…don’t try me, or I’ll kick your ass.”

You stick your tongue out in response, which leads him to pick you up and sling you over his shoulder. You squeak out a gasp, and immediately start pounding on his back, demanding he put you down. He cackles, and doesn’t comply until he’s dropping you off at your apartment doorstep a block down from the ice cream shop.

“I told you, don’t try me. Have a great first day of work at your new job tomorrow!”

He’s gone before you can even respond.

—------------------------------

The first week and a half of your new job goes by in a blur. You’re learning new systems, new coworkers’ names, and just generally it feels like an overload of information. Even with everything happening with a learning curve, you don’t feel incompetent, and you feel well-liked to your pleasant surprise. However, what you didn’t expect was your boss to tell you about the company’s New Years’ Eve party…and how excited he was to see you and your plus one there in a few days’ time.

You don’t have a plus one.

Unless…?

“So how’s the new job going? Tell me all the juicy gossip, I want to know everything!” Beomgyu shouts into the phone over the noise of wherever he’s at.

“There’s nothing that juicy to tell, promise. I’m still learning everything, it’s been fun though. So far, so good!” You can’t help smiling as you talk, the giddy energy from your job change still coursing through you. There's silence before you continue.

“But…”

“But what? Do I need to kick someone’s ass? I told you I would,” he laughs.

“No, no, nothing like that. It’s just…the company has this fancy New Years Eve party in a couple of days…”

“...so? Sounds like a good time.”

“Yeah, I guess so. But, my boss just told me about it yesterday. And he’s expecting me to bring a plus one, everyone is.”

“Okay, so ask that dude from your last job that you liked. Soobin, isn’t that his name?” Beomgyu sounds nonchalant, like nothing you’re saying should be of any concern.

“Okay, one, I would never do that. Two, Soobin isn’t even interested in me like that, he told me so when I asked him out for coffee once.”

Beomgyu sputters into something he’s drinking, you’re not sure what.

“Why am I just now hearing about this, exactly? Also, he’s completely stupid to not be interested in you, any guy would be lucky to date you,-”

“Thanks for the pep talk, Gyu, but that’s not why I called you.” You pick nervously at your nails, and though he can’t see you, he can tell that you feel uncomfortable.

“So why did you call? Are you okay? Did something else happen?” He’s soft in his response to you, and you know if he were here in person, he’d be drawing you into his side.

“I lied to my boss.” You swallow thickly, your gaze darting around your living room where you’re now pacing.

“Lied? What did you say?”

“...that I had a boyfriend?” you reply quietly.

“Okay…who? Who did you mean?”

“...you. I told him I was bringing my boyfriend, Beomgyu.”

There’s a long, long silence that hangs in the air as you wait for your friend to say something. Anything.

Suddenly, there’s a loud barking laugh from the other side of the phone.

“That’s all? Please…I’ll be the best boyfriend you’ve ever had. Your boss will be impressed because I clean up well, your coworkers will be swooning, and you’ll be the life of the party. What a fun time!”

“You’re not mad at me?”

“No, never! At least not for something like this, anyway. I’m excited! I’ve never been to a fancy New Years Eve party, this’ll be great. We should go shopping for outfits tomorrow, yeah?”

“Sure. I’ll see you then, I guess,” you reply before ending the call.

What the heck had you gotten yourself into?

—--------------------------------

The next day passes in a rush of shops, suits, and sequins until the two of you settle on an outfit each for the party. You still feel guilty for lying to your boss and roping Beomgyu into pretending to be your boyfriend, but he repeatedly reminds you throughout the shopping spree that he is absolutely fine with the whole thing, citing ‘being able to practice acting’ and a love of fancy parties as reasons to not be worried about it.

However, you can’t help but worry as you slip into a bright sequined jumpsuit on New Year's Eve. It’s flashier than anything you would ever wear normally, and no matter which way you move, light dances off the silver sparkles covering your body. A small sigh escapes you as you resign yourself to the attention you’ll surely draw, and the sigh turns into exasperation as you attempt to pull the zipper of the jumpsuit fully up, only to get stuck at the middle of your back.

“...hello?” You hear Beomgyu’s voice echo down the hallway towards your room, causing you to glance over at the clock by your bedside. 6:35. Shit. You’d told him to pick you up at 6:30, and you hadn’t even heard him knock.

“You didn’t answer the door, so I just used the spare key…are you okay?” His voice sounds closer, and you hear the door to your bedroom open slowly.

“Can you…ugh…help me…with this stupid zipper?!” you exclaim, giving one last tug before letting your hands fall to your sides.

“I’ve got you.” You feel his hands sweep your hair over your shoulder so he has access to your back, and in one swift move, he’s got the zipper pulled to the top of the jumpsuit. You look up into your full length mirror to see Beomgyu gently readjusting your hair to cascade down your back again.

He then leans in over your shoulder, hands loosely covering your hips. “You look lovely,” he murmurs in your ear, the low baritone of his voice causing goosebumps to rise on your bare arms.

As he steps away from you, you can see he’s chosen to wear black dress pants with a white button down, black tie, and a black leather jacket.

He looks good. Really good. So good, you don’t realize you’ve been staring silently until he says, “Yeah, I really leaned into the whole ‘I play guitar in a band’ aesthetic. It’s not too much, is it?”

You attempt to respond only to be met with a dry throat. You cough, trying again. “No, Gyu. You look so good. Great.” A steady heat is making its way up your neck and face, which isn’t helped when Beomgyu seems like he’s suddenly getting shy, hand reaching to rub the back of his neck.

“We should head downtown, don’t want to be late!” you chirp cheerily, trying to make things less awkward. Beomgyu seems to snap out of whatever headspace he was in and his usual grin makes his way across his face.

“After you, m’lady.” You roll your eyes, and he just pokes your side as you both walk out of your apartment.

—--------------------------------

The ride downtown is comfortable, both of you having recovered from whatever had happened in your bedroom. Beomgyu parks his car in the garage of a towering skyscraper downtown, and you’re shocked to see that your company has rented out one of the most coveted views in the whole city. The two of you head inside, duck into an already crowded elevator, and head to the 15th floor.

As everyone piles out, your best friend reaches for your hand, which you jerk away from without thinking.

“Hey, I’m your boyfriend tonight, remember? We’ve got this.” Beomgyu reaches for your hand again, and this time you let his fingers intertwine with your own. Though the feeling is foreign, it’s comforting all at the same time. You glance over at him, clearly nervous, and he gives your hand a gentle squeeze. You steel yourself, and head into the party.

Turns out you needn’t have worried about most of the night. As predicted, your jumpsuit does garner a lot of attention, but with that attention come a lot of sincere compliments. Beomgyu is a hit with everyone-your boss is impressed with his day job, and your coworkers are fascinated with the fact that he’s in a band and he writes a lot of the music they play. You even notice a few of the women you work with giving him side glances when they think you’re not looking, which makes you laugh.

All the while, Beomgyu plays the part of the doting, attentive boyfriend. When your boss chats with him about his work, he makes sure you’re a part of the conversation. While coworkers are asking about his band, he pulls you close and keeps an arm around your waist while he’s talking, telling them all about his latest song which happens to be about you. You thought he hadn’t noticed the stares from other women, but it seems every time you catch one, he’s whispering in your ear, kissing the top of your head, or asking you to dance with him.

All of the attention feels so natural, it throws you for a loop. There’s a flush coloring your cheeks every time Beomgyu dances with you, both from the effort you’re exerting and his warm gaze that seems to travel up and down your body watching your every move. You’re enjoying what might be your tenth or twelfth trip to the dancefloor, when suddenly Beomgyu’s hands wrap around your waist, pulling you so close that you’re chest to chest.

“Hi,” he murmurs into your ear, just loud enough to hear over the music that’s shifted into a slow song.

“...hi,” you squeak out, looking up to find his deep brown eyes gazing down at you.

“Have I told you how pretty you look tonight?” he hums, a smile tugging at one corner of his mouth.

“You told me earlier before we left my apartment. And then again earlier tonight while we were talking to my coworker.” You raise an eyebrow questioningly.

“Funny, I can’t remember either of those…guess I’ll just tell you again. Silly me.” He takes your confusion as an opportunity to spin you out and back again into his arms.

“Beomgyu…what’s gotten into you? I know you’re pretending to be my boyfriend, but no one can hear us over the music right now.”

“I know. There’s just a guy over by the drinks who keeps looking over here at you, hoping I don’t notice. Except I have…and I don’t appreciate it.” You follow his glare over to one of your new coworkers, who sure enough is looking your way, though he tries to poorly cover it up once you both are staring at him.

“Are you…jealous?” You can’t believe the words that are coming out of your mouth, but you don’t know what else to call Beomgyu’s behavior other than jealousy.

“I, in fact, am not jealous, thank you for asking. I just don’t appreciate that he thinks it’s okay to openly stare at someone that for all intents and purposes has a boyfriend tonight, that’s all. C’mon, let’s go up to the roof and get away from creeper over there.”

Beomgyu laces his fingers with yours and creates a path through the partygoers, through a small door and up a staircase to the roof. You gasp as you walk up to the edge of the building, the skyline in front of you taking your breath away.

“It’s beautiful.” You can’t think of a better word to describe the scene in front of you, and you look to the man beside you to see if he agrees, only to find him staring at you instead.

“It really is.” His gaze never wavers, and he steps closer to you. “Check the time,” he whispers softly.

11:59.

“Happy New Years, lovely.” His breath fans out over your face, and you find yourself drawing closer as if by some unseen force until your lips are meeting his.

It’s not what you expected, to be kissing your best friend on New Year’s Eve. Or ever. But you can’t say you’re too upset about it. Beomgyu’s lips are soft and full, gentle with you as if you might crumble beneath him if he’s too harsh. His tongue softly prodding against your lips is what brings you back to reality, pulling away with a dazed and panicked look on your face.

You just kissed your best friend. Beomgyu just kissed you.

You clear your throat and take a step to distance yourself from him. Even though you see him try to school his features into neutrality, you know him too well-there’s a ghost of hurt flickering behind his eyes and your heart sinks into the pit of your stomach.

Before you can even say anything, he beats you to it.

“Here, you’re shivering. I’ll take you home.” He wraps his leather jacket around your shoulders and heads back down the staircase to the party, making sure you’re following him every so often.

The ride home is just as silent as the one downtown, but this time it’s not comfortable. You keep wanting to say something, but keep your mouth shut in fear of making the whole situation worse. You didn’t know how you felt, and you didn’t want to mess things up further by saying something completely stupid. Side glances at Beomgyu tell you nothing, as he’s managed to shove whatever he’s feeling so far down inside, all you can see is the neutrality he’d been attempting earlier.

Once you get to your apartment, you hand back his jacket wordlessly. As he turns to leave, you reach out and grab his arm. He looks back at you, a small flicker of hope igniting in his gaze.

“See you tomorrow?” It comes out in a small, weak voice.

Beomgyu shakes his head, trying to smile but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

“I’m leaving for our new year gigs tomorrow. I won’t be back for a week and a half, and I’ll be hard to get ahold of. I’ll see you when I get back, okay?”

You nod meekly.

“Beomgyu?”

“Yeah?”

“Are we okay?”

You see him shift his weight from foot to foot as he suddenly can’t seem to look you in the eyes.

“We will be. Take care of yourself, okay? Since I won’t be here to do it for you.” A small laugh escapes him as he turns and walks away. You stare after him long after he’s out of sight, wondering if you’ve just ruined the closest relationship you’ve ever had.

—-------------------------------

The following week drags on forever without Beomgyu. At work, it feels like you’re on autopilot, not quite paying attention to things you’re being asked. Your mind keeps wandering back to New Years Eve, and the fact that you had kissed your best friend. Obviously he must have gotten swept away in the moment, pretending to be your boyfriend? Or maybe he did have feelings for you. But where did that leave you? Did you have feelings too?

It doesn’t help that communication between the two of you is sporadic, as his signal goes in and out as he’s traveling, and when he’s in a city, he’s practicing, playing a gig, or hanging out with his bandmates. The best you can manage is texts sent that he responds to hours later, if not days. As if he knows you’re thinking about him (but when have you not been this week?), your phone pings with an incoming text message.

You (10:05 PM): Hey, hope you and the band got to your hotel safely!

Gyu (11:37 AM): Hey! Sorry it took so long to respond, but yeah we did. The gig last night was sick! :D

You don’t bother texting back since you know it’ll be another day before he responds. You sigh heavily instead and gather your belongings to head home since you only work half days on Friday. At least it’s the weekend, and Beomgyu will be home in a few days…hopefully things can go back to normal soon.

—--------------------------------

Turns out the weekend can’t even save you. As you go through the motions, you realize just how closely intertwined your life is with his. Ice cream trips. Movie nights with takeout. Walks in the park catching up on your week. Doing all of it by yourself feels wrong, like you’re cheating on your best friend by not including him. But that’s absurd. Right? You’re staring at your ceiling in bed on Sunday night, thinking about the last time you had a sleepover with Beomgyu. You had both been a little drunk, giggling over the smallest things, and even though he had been further gone than you, he helped you get ready for bed. Used a makeup wipe to gently remove your mascara, made you brush your teeth while he watched. He’d then patted you on the head once you’d crawled into your sheets, saluting you as he clumsily made his way to the couch to fall asleep himself.

You turn to face the empty side of your bed, wishing he was here beside you.

…wait.

What?

You roll back immediately to stare at your ceiling again. You wished he was here beside you? He never stayed in your bed with you, even on your drunkest of nights…he was always on the couch. So why did your brain suddenly think that? Flashes of New Years Eve come crashing back into your head, Beomgyu’s lips insistently pressed against yours, tongue seeking entrance to your mouth before you had stepped away. The memories make you feel warm and tingly all over, wishing again that he was laying beside you. And you remember how you haven’t been able to get him out of your head all week, even though he’s gone to do shows before. All of it together suddenly makes sense, and you want to hide from yourself at how stupid you’ve been.

You just might be in love with your best friend.

—-----------------------------

Your realization haunts you through the next day. You want to wait to talk to Beomgyu until he’s home, but something keeps tugging at you the whole day to reach out before then. A text seems entirely too casual, plus what would you say? ‘Hey I think I love you?’ Absolutely not. You’ll call him.

Except when you finally sit down to do so after dinner that night, it goes to voicemail. Of course it does, he has a show tonight. Nevertheless, you brace yourself to record after the beep-you’ve thought way too hard about what you need to say to chicken out now.

~Beep~

“Hey, Beomgyu, I hope your show is going really well tonight…um, I just wanted to call because-nothing’s wrong, so don’t worry about that! Anyway, I just thought it was too important to send via text so here I am, leaving a voicemail…”

You take a deep breath, realizing that you’ve started to ramble and aren’t making a ton of sense.

“-like I said, this is important. One, I am so sorry I stepped away from you on New Years Eve, I think I just freaked out? There was absolutely nothing wrong with you kissing me, at all. It was nice, actually. Two, I miss you a stupid amount. This weekend every time I did anything, I wanted you with me…which leads me to three. I realized because of how much I missed you that I want to spend time with you all the time. I found myself wishing you were sleeping next to me last night? So that was new. Anyway, all that to say-I miss you. I miss hanging out with you. I figured out I miss your lips and that kiss from New Years as well, so what I’m trying to spit out is…I think I love you, and-”

You’re suddenly cut off by the beep of his voicemail box, telling you you’ve reached the message time limit.

“Dammit!” you curse, hurling your phone against your couch. You let out a shaky breath, and pick it back up.

There’s nothing to do now but wait.

—--------------------------------

You fall asleep waiting, and wake up to a singular text from Beomgyu.

Gyu (9:59 AM): Are you coming to our homecoming show tonight?

Okay, so maybe he didn’t listen to your voicemail. That’s okay, right? You’ll just see him in person. And tell him your feelings. In person.

You (10:02 AM): Front row, wouldn’t miss it! :)

Your response seems nonchalant, but your stomach is churning and you feel like you might throw up. You decide that working from home might be the best plan for the day, and so you turn to spreadsheets, emails, and reading articles to distract you from what might be the end of your world as you know it.

Soon enough, 6:00 rolls around and you shut off your laptop as you finish off a quick dinner you had made for yourself as you finished up the day’s tasks. You decide to treat tonight as just a normal show you’re going to, throwing on a distressed band tee (Beomgyu’s band MOA, artfully bleached and torn by yours truly) with black jeans and stomper boots, accented with a red lip.

You grab your purse off the counter and quickly dash out the door to walk the few blocks to the dive bar MOA is playing, making sure to get there early so you can be front row like you promised.

Sure enough, you’re one of the first people there and it’s easy for you to choose a spot right in front of where you know Beomgyu will be playing for most of the show. Ten minutes after you arrive, he and the rest of the band walk out to tune their instruments. You give a quick wave to Yeonjun, the band’s lead vocalist, and he nudges Beomgyu, turning his attention to you. He quickly jogs across the stage, leans down and throws his legs over the edge and pulls you into a tight hug.

“Hey stranger, feels like ten years since I’ve seen you. I missed you,” he mumbles into your hair.

You pull back, attempting to fix your hair. Noticing his shaggy black hair’s gotten mussed as well, you push it off his face. Before you can draw your hand away, Beomgyu’s covered it with his own, squeezing it softly.

“You look good in my shirt.” His eyes sparkle mischievously as he motions to your band tee with his other hand, and you roll your eyes even as you can feel your cheeks color.

“Yeah, yeah…don’t you have to get ready for the show, rockstar?”

“I do,” he pouts, “but I’ll come find you later, okay?” You nod, and he stands back up and wanders over to his guitar, picking it up and making sure it’s in tune.

More and more people start to crowd around and behind you, and before you know it, the show has started. You’re scream singing the lyrics just as loudly as anyone else, cheering your heart out at the end of every song. Every so often, you catch smiles that Beomgyu is sending you, and it makes your heart feel like it’s leapt up into your throat. Even though it makes you nervous, you can’t help the smiles you send back in return.

Towards the end of the show, Beomgyu steps up to his mic, addressing the crowd.

“Hey everyone, thanks so much for coming out tonight! Our last song we’re going to play for you is an exclusive-we just workshopped this today, mostly because I just wrote it today. Let us know whether you like it!”

Cheers immediately erupt through the crowd, and simmer down once he starts strumming his guitar and steps up to the mic.

“I know that you like me

And it’s kinda frightenin’

Standing here, waitin’, waitin’

And I became hypnotized

By freckles and bright eyes

Tongue tied”

Beomgyu looks over at you and sends a cheeky wink your way. Wait a second, is he singing…about you?

“Cause you could be the one that I love

I could be the one that you dream of

Message in a bottle is all I can do

Standin' here, hopin' it gets to you

You could be the one that I keep, and I

Can be the reason you can't sleep at night

Message in a bottle is all I can do

Standin' here, hopin' it gets to you”

You feel rooted to the spot, staring at the boy in front of you as he sings, staring straight at you, no trace of embarrassment or shame on his face. You barely notice when Yeonjun takes over singing the next verse, your eyes following Beomgyu instead as he pulls his guitar strap over his head, placing the instrument onto its stand.

He walks in front of your spot in front of the stage, and sits down with his legs dangling over the edge, just as he had before the show. He reaches out toward you slowly, but with purpose, gently cupping the sides of your face. You barely register the screaming and whistling that’s happening around you as the other audience members witness the private moment between the two of you.

Beomgyu slowly slides his thumb across your cheek, his eyes glimmering with mischief and something you can’t quite place as he leans towards you.

“Is this okay?” he whispers, barely audible over the song.

You wrap your arms around his neck in response, pulling him to his feet off the stage, crashing your lips onto his. His lips are full and soft just like you remember, and that warm and tingly feeling from before is even stronger, prompting you to be the one who gently asks for entrance to his mouth with your tongue, which he eagerly grants. You’re not sure how long the two of you stand there, too wrapped up in each other to care what’s happening around you. Beomgyu finally pulls back for air, a huge smile on his face that he can’t get rid of. He leans his forehead against yours as he breathes heavily, and begins laughing. It feels contagious, and you’re so giddy you can’t help but join in.

“You are the one I dream of,” you breathe out between giggles.

“I’m glad…because you’re the one that I love. I love you too,” Beomgyu states simply, landing another kiss on your lips.

“I take it you got my voicemail?”

“Of course I did, and I saved it. Just figured I’d respond in person. With a song that I wrote for you…among the others I’ve written about you, this one just happens to be the only one that’s seen the light of day. And it’s a hit!” He gestures around you, where Yeonjun is finishing out the song and the crowd has erupted into raucous cheers.

“There’s…others?” Your eyes widen in surprise.

“Many others…I’ll play them for you if you’re lucky. I’m just glad you got my message in a bottle.”

—-------------------------------

Taglist: @hyungieyoongi @alpacaparkaseok @derinxfam

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[venusguks]

Unlike You

pairing : jeon jungkook x fem!reader

summary : As daydreamy and romantic as you are, you decided true love was going to have to wait for you tonight. That was because tonight, you were getting laid !! ...Your best friend doesn’t make it easy for you when he finds out why, though.

warnings : smut, dom!jk, sub!reader, unprotected seggs, fluff, bsf!jk, degredation, dumbification, possessive jk, jealous jk, fun sexy times, jk is whipped for mc, oral (fem receiving), body worshipping, jimin/reader but only for a sec

“A club?” Jungkook raised his brow.

He was incredulous and slightly displeased as he watched you pace around your room. It was rare after all, new to see you like this―in a black, satin dress with a slit high enough to make him upset. He didn’t need you catching anyone else’s attention, especially in a neon lit bar full of ravenous people.  “For the seventh time, yes, Kook,” You huff, jarring your mouth slightly to dab a dreamy red over your plush lips. 

You couldn’t recall the last time you felt so confident as you applied mascara and tickled a delicate pink over your cheeks. More than anyone, Jungkook couldn’t recall ever seeing you this way, this excited to be amidst a crowd of sweaty bodies. You honestly didn’t see why he was being so apprehensive, it wasn’t like you necessarily hated parties―you just always preferred the coziness of your home better. Huge social interactions were never your thing, and that was okay. Being an introvert wasn’t something to be ashamed of anyway, but staying in came with the everyday comforts of baggy sweatpants and sweaters.

So could anyone really blame you for your excitement? You just loved the way getting ready made you feel, missed it. You already knew you were beautiful with or without makeup, but damn did it make you feel confident.

“It’s just...” Jungkook furrowed his brows and ruffled his hair. “This isn’t like you, love. Did something happen? Are you okay? We can talk about it, if you want. Whatever it is, I’m here to listen you know.” 

You sighed exasperatedly at your best friend’s reflection through your vanity. His eyes were uncertain and full of concern as he watched your figure with crossed arms. “Koo, we’ve been over this so many times already. I’m nervous enough as it is, and you’re not helping at all. I want to do this, okay? It’s been awhile. Plus, I haven’t seen the others boys in so long.”

A part of you didn’t want to be annoyed at Jungkook for his incessant worrying, but it truly was hard not to sometimes. “You’re being such a fucking dick, you know that?! Can’t I just live my life without you being so fucking hysterical about it every time?! ” It was that winter a few months ago when you unleashed all your pent up frustration. Jungkook had always been overprotective, and you appreciated him for caring, but he just made it so hard for you to even breathe sometimes. It was the biggest argument you guys ever had when you started dating a boy a few years older. You ignored Jungkook’s calls and messages for weeks, but when you discovered that he cheated on you, Jungkook was the first to be by your side. You still remember the assurance and safety you felt in his arms; with his soft lips against your forehead, murmuring sweet consolations as you sobbed on his shoulder. After that day, Jungkook agreed to be less protective. 

“I just don’t get why it has to be a club. We could meet the hyungs anywhere else, baby.”

“Oh sure, maybe a strip club would do,” you said, chuckling when you see his shock. “I’m kidding, Koo.” Though that wouldn’t be such a bad idea...

Maybe you couldn’t blame him for being so appalled. You usually opted out whenever your friends went out to celebrate, which by the way, was rather often. Night after night, the few of them would call you, practically beg until they realized their efforts would end in vain. By the morning, notifications would spam your phone of their wild night; pictures and details that showcased hookups you didn’t need to know about. Now that you think about it, it was sort of ironic that you’d always grimace to the crude texts.

That was because tonight, you decided you were getting laid.

That’s right, to hell with sweet, wholesome love! If true love had to make you wait, true love would have to wait for you too! Your subscribing 48K readers have been expecting a new chapter of Spring’s Breath, an erotica series, which you’ve delayed for 2 whole months now. You didn’t exactly know when your writers block came, but by the fourth hour you stared at your blank screen, unable to come up with any other synonym for dick or thrust or moan; or how the overused dirty talk you wrote made you cringe―you realized the firecracker you had in writing erotica died out.

It was your dear friend, Hoseok, who suggested the whole ordeal. He was the only one who knew your secret, anyway. You had so much trust in him, so when he professed that maybe if you slept with someone, your spark would come back, you had truly considered it. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea. After all, no cons would come out of it. It was just odd to think about.

You have always been such a huge romantic, your literature proved it. Jungkook nor you nor anyone would anticipate you hooking up with someone just to hook up with someone. The tenderness, the connection, the intimacy... you’ve always prioritized genuine adoration over whimsical one night stands. You were an honest daydreamer, and maybe that’s why your works would always take off.

But maybe... maybe it was okay to let go once in awhile.

When you mentioned Jungkook being less overprotective, you forgot to put an emphasis on less―because there he was, his hand possessively squeezing your inner thigh every time you even dared to look at a cute boy. You let out a frustrated sigh when he nuzzles his nose into your neck.

You tried not to mind it. It was just in his nature anyway―ever since kindergarten when he found you crying over your dropped ice cream. Jungkook left only to come back with another cone, rubbing your fat tears away with the palm of his sleeve. In elementary school, he peppered you with tiny kisses when you sobbed over the death of your kitten. You’ve only had him for a month, dedicated all your time to him and skipped play dates to care for your little serendipity―but just like that―he was lifeless. It was Jungkook who found him on the road. In middle school, he’d go through the enveloped confessions in your locker and rip them apart, saying you deserved better than any of them. You’ve always looked up to him througha lens of admiration. Everything he did for you, he did it out of thought and care. It was sweet.

It was times like these where you really started to mind though. 

You’ve been giggling with your friends for the past hour, catching up on every minuscule detail. You were sitting in a booth wedged in the middle of Jungkook and Hoseok, brimming with happiness to see Namjoon and Yoongi again. Its been so long, and your heart would swell to the stories you’ve missed out on.

The night was carrying on delightfully! ...except for the fact that Jungkook sent death glares to whoever even glanced at you. The countless of times you shyly returned someone’s gaze, only for them to rush away when they caught sight of your best friend left you agitated. When the boys were engaged in a conversation about a class they all shared together, you decided it was a good time to bring it up. 

Gulping a shot down, you let out a huff. “Kookie...”

“Yes, baby?” He whispered into your ear, his large hand grazing the access of your slitted dress.

“Stop it.”

“Stop what, love?” You sharply inhaled as Jungkook rubbed sensitive circles on your skin.

Immediately standing up, you squeezed yourself out of the booth. “I’m gonna go dance!” You yell through the loud music, avoiding Jungkook’s eyes, because seriously, the nerve of that man! The rest of your friends cheered, “We love to see you like this, y/n! Enjoy yourself, cutie!” Hoseok laughed when you blew a kiss to him. He made you feel so much more at ease, so much more confident. Okay, you got this! No use in sitting around. You couldn’t get anywhere tonight with Jungkook by your side, anyway.

Fluffing out your hair after you downed another shot, you strut your way into the dance floor. Your hips swayed in a rather alluring manner as you made your way into the crowd, your fingertips tracing seductive lines from your hips up to your waist, your neck and finally, into the air. The alcohol slowly took its effect as your confidence settled in, rolling your head back and moving your body fluidly to the loud music. 

Truth be told, you didn’t know what you were doing, just knew you must’ve looked good as hell doing it as you felt hands grip your waist. You gasped as a body pressed against your back, sticky with sweat.

“You’re so captivating, princess,” His dulcet voice was enough to make you weak...or was it the alcohol? Whatever the case, get your grip together y/n! It was just four words for star’s sake! 

“I, um, th-thank you...um! You too..” Your confidence from only moments ago dissolved with your voice. “So shy now, princess? How come? You were dancing so sexily just moments ago.” He chuckled lowly against your ear, nibbling it. You whimpered to his brazen touch, his hands guiding your hips with his. “Are you shy for me? Is that it? What a cute little princess you are... so beautiful, fuck.”

Annnnnnnnd you truly were fucked. You professed only hours ago that true love could wait, that you’d be a different woman tonight, yet you couldn’t help but feel bashful to the man’s praise. His voice and his nectar sweet words enough to make you feel wobbly.

“I’m Jimin. Can I know my princess’s name?” He pressed his hardened member against your ass, the silk thin fabric barely doing its job of coverage. “Ah Jimin,” you moaned breathlessly as he kissed your neck. “I...I’m-”

“―Mine,” a low, husky voice finished. Jungkook stood behind you, jaw clenched and arms crossed. The veins on his biceps protruded under the incandescent lights; His white shirt and tight, black jeans doing wonders to complement his physique. 

“Are you deaf? I said she’s mine so why the fuck are your hands still on her?” Jungkook had always been intimidating, even when he didn’t try―so in the rare times he did, even he scared you sometimes.

Much to your disappointment, Jimin immediately lets go, hands in the air, “sorry man, I didn’t know.”

“W-what? Wait, he isn’t my...!” Before you could try to reach for the pink haired man, Jungkook firmly takes your hand. “Y/n, we’re leaving.” You didn’t even have a second to feel shocked before he swiftly guides you through the ocean of bodies. Loud music reverberated with your disappointment, and by the time the night’s cold air stings your cheeks, you've processed what just happened―what you just missed. It’s when Jungkook latches your seatbelt on and drives that you feel anger simmer in your chest.

“Why did you...Why the fuck did you do that, Jungkook?” You were exasperated with your emotions. You just didn’t get it. You were finally having the time of your life, finally stepping out of your comfort zone, finally dancing with a guy who made you feel amazing―just to end up on a drive back home before anything could happen. “Seriously, what the hell is your problem? That was my..! He was..!” You groaned, too frustrated to conjure up words.

Jungkook scoffed, “what, y/n? He was what? Your soulmate or something?”

“I didn’t say that! And even if I think so, why does it matter?! I was having fun! I was having so much fun and you just..! (hiccup) I was having so much fun....” You cried into your hands. “I haven’t felt that way in so long, j-just for you to mess everything up. God, I can’t even muster up words right now. I hate you so much.”

“Love...” Jungkook finally sighed, shutting the engine off. You had cried the whole ride home. The anger he once felt diminished with your tears. “Baby, please look at me.” 

“F-fuck (hiccup) off, Jungkook.” You quickly unbuckled your seatbelt and opened the car door. Knowing him as long as you did, you knew he would take your chin to force you to look up at him―but you had enough of him for the night, and honestly, the whole week.

You were just so fucking frustrated at everything. At Jungkook for unnecessarily budging in, at your writers block, at your own sexual frustration left with Jimin. What did you have to offer your readers now? A heartbreak of a possible relationship that never happened with a shitty friend on the side?

You tuned out Jungkook shouting from behind you, striding to you complex and up the stairs.

It wasn’t long after you slammed the door shut that you heard it click open again. You had forgotten Jungkook had an extra spare of your keys. “Just leave me alone, Kook.” You groaned, storming off into your room.

You kicked your heels off and stomped to your bed, taking out your frustration on your pillow where your sobs were muffled. The bed dips down when Jungkook sits beside you, silent as he caressed your hair in the way he always did to soothe your nerves.

Deciding it wasn’t enough this time, he carefully lifts you up to sit on his lap, sliding his arms around your waist to pull you into his chest. Jungkook knew you long enough to know hugs were the best remedy for you, even at your angriest moments. He knew you wouldn’t push him away.

“You jerk...” You buried your face into the crook of his neck, sniffling. “I don’t get you, Kookie. Why do you always do this?”

“I...I just wanted to protect you, baby. People have bad intentions, I didn’t want to see you end up doing something you’d regret,” His voice was gentle, brushing hair strands away from your face.

“Stars, Kook, I knew what I was doing. Whether I’d end up regretting it or not, that’s for me to sort out. I didn’t need you to ‘protect’ me. I was really enjoying myself, something I haven’t done in a long time. A-and you just..! You ruined it for me.”

Jungkook scoffed, “so you liked it then, how he was touching you? You were just going to let him fuck you?”

“Yes, Kook!” You yelled. “He could’ve fucked me in the public bathroom or in his car―in front everyone for all I care! He was hot and we were in the moment and you just interrupted! I know you care for me and I’ll always appreciate you worrying but there’s a fine line where your protectiveness should be. I’m not a kid anymore, Kook.”

Jungkook was gritting his teeth, and the two of you only glared at each other before he let out a sigh. Despite him wanting to be mad, he didn’t like making you upset. If you were going to cry because of him, he wanted it to be for an entirely different reason. 

He gently cupped your cheeks, holding your gaze with tender, sad eyes. “You know I’d do anything for you, yes? That I’ve always done anything and everything I could to help you?”

You furrowed your brows, unsure of how that related to anything, but nonetheless, you nod. “Yes, I know Kook.”

“Then why didn’t you just ask me to sleep with you, hm? If you needed help so bad, why didn’t you just ask me, baby?” You stared, dumbfounded and mouth ajar as his thumbs brushed the remnants of your tears away.

“W-What are you...?”

“Was so concerned for my baby. Hoseok got drunk and told me everything I needed to know. Did you know how hurt I was? How Hoseok knew something about you that I didn’t? Especially that you were a writer, love. I thought I was your number one, how could you keep that from me?”

“O-Of course you are, Koo! You’ll always be my number one. I just...didn’t want to tell you because it was embarrassing,” you mumbled, glancing away. Damn it Jung Hoseok! After all these years, this is when he accidentally slips it out? “Nuh uh, baby, I’m not having any of that. Look at me.”

Jungkook pressed his forehead against yours, an act you were certainly no stranger to, but nevertheless making your cheeks warm. “Not only that, you wanted to go clubbing tonight just to find a stranger to help you, is that right, baby? Wore this tiny dress just so someone could fuck you? Wanted Jimin to fuck you? Wanted to write about him fucking you in the bathroom stall?” Jungkook was speaking softly, though his words were anything but as his hands left your cheeks to trace sensuous lines up your thigh.

Your hands weakly held onto his shoulders, gasping when you felt his bulge press against your sensitive core.

“What was that you said....In his car? Wanted him to fuck you in front of everybody? Wanted to be a dirty slut just for your readers?” You didn’t know how exactly this moment came to be, but his honeyed voice brought you to a daze as you grind your hips against him. You were desperate to feel more—of anything, of him—only to let out a whine when he forcefully holds you down, burying your clothed center into his bulge. 

“I don’t think so, baby. I don’t think you deserve it,” Jungkook’s hot breath tickled your ear. You whimpered as he bit it, hands squeezing your hips. “You used to be so good for me baby, used to come to me for anything. Used to be a good little girl and depend on me. I would’ve helped you, baby. Instead, you became a dirty little slut, let another man touch you. Is that what you are now? A fucking slut?”

“N-no Kookie,” a new bundle of tears welled in your eyes at his harsh words. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, sh-should’ve, ah, went to you,” you felt your body succumb to his touch. His nose brushed your jaw, placing warm kisses all over your neck before he glided his tongue down to your collarbone. “Please forgive me, I-I’ll be a good girl for you now, p-promise.”

“Yeah? Wanna be a good girl for daddy?” Jungkook licks the base of your collarbone before sucking it. “Yes..ah, yes daddy. Gonna be so good for you.” 

“And yet you weren’t,” you cried as you felt teeth sink into your skin. “J-Jung― ah, Kookie stop! Please i-it hurts!”

“You deserve this, fucking slut. You know how much you hurt me tonight? You’re secretly just a desperate whore, aren’t you? Missed your tiny cunt getting fucked so much that you’d let a stranger do it for you, hm? Answer me, slut.”

You felt tears drip down your eyes, embarrassment washing over your face. “What? You’re not going to speak now?” You shook your head in desperation. You couldn’t. How could you? It was too shameful.

You yelped when Jungkook picked you up by your waist and turned you over so your face was smushed into a pillow. “Ass up, now. Don’t make me repeat myself.” He snarled, and you immediately obliged. Jungkook was on his knees, eyes lidded to your position as he rubbed slow circles on your bare ass. “My slut is voiceless now, hm? Begged to be daddy’s good girl but can’t even answer when I talk to you. Why are you being so disobedient tonight, baby?” It happened so fast you could barely gasp as your body lurched forward to the slap. It repulsed through your skin as your right cheek stung with a faint red.

“J-J-Jungkook, ah!” You cried as another slap came, face burying further into your pillow. “I’ll be obedient from now on! s-so please! I’m sorry, I-I’m sorry, daddy!”

Jungkook’s lips pulled to a smirk, grabbing a bundle of your hair before pulling you towards him. You whimpered and he bent down so he could see your face, tisking. “Oh, my poor baby. Did that hurt? Want to be a good little girl for daddy now?” You nodded ferociously, “p-please yes daddy! I-I’ll be so good for you. Please let me be good for you!” 

Jungkook’s dick felt constrained in his tight pants. He licked his lips to your messy, desperate state. Your eyes were red and puffy, lips just the same as heavy tears streamed down your eyes. Fuck, what Jungkook would give to fuck you senseless right then and there. But no, he needed to wait, needed to be patient. You deserved this.

“Make up your fucking mind, slut. If you want to be a good girl, then take your punishment like a good girl,” Jungkook pushed your face back into the pillow before slapping your ass once more. 

You didn’t know how long it went on, only knew the room was filled with your sobbing and the alarming sound of the contact that met your bruised skin. It hurt, it hurt so much. Your thighs were trembling and both your cheeks were a lovely shade of red and purple. But no matter how much you screamed your endless arrays of i’m sorry’s, Jungkook didn’t fail to notice how your juices soaked your underwear and spilled down your thighs

“Already making such a mess baby,” He groaned to the sight, palming himself to his creation. 

“P-please....hurts so bad...please let me l-lay down daddy, can’t hold myself much longer, please,” Jungkook adored the way you sounded for him, the way he corrupted you. You were perfect there, so perfectly powerless under him. 

“Mm, keep begging baby and maybe I’ll let you,” he unbuckled his pants and discarded them, his cock throbbing to your feeble pleads. “Please, please, p-please, please daddy... please. Hurts so bad, I-I can’t... please i-i’m a good girl. I’m a good girl for daddy. I’ll do anything please.”

“Did you learn your lesson, then?”

“Yes, I-I did, daddy!”

“You’ll be a good girl and obey daddy from now on?”

“Mhm!” You nodded vigorously, and Jungkook chuckled to your desperation. He peeled your soaked thong down, lifting your limp legs momentarily to pull it off until he set you back. You were so tired you felt your thighs give up on you right then, but before you could submit to your exhaustion, Jungkook lifted your ass up higher, arching your back deeper with one hand.

“Mm I don’t think so baby. Obey daddy and keep your ass up like a good little girl.” A gasp left your quivering lips when you felt Jungkook’s breath on your throbbing core.

“You smell so sweet baby, so fucking wet for me,” Jungkook hikes your dress up and glides his tongue up your inner thigh, wiping your dripping juices clean. “Kookie, mm, please,” he trails delicate kisses over your skin, nibbling it. “Yes, baby?” 

“P-please...please Kookie..!”

“Use your words, baby. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what you want.” Jungkook smiles against your thigh as he hears your soft sniffles muffled by the pillow. His poor baby, always so shy. It was true he loved to tease you, tempt you, and loved making you cry for him—but more than anything, he wanted to take care of you. “Please touch me, Koo, please.”

“Of course, sweetheart.” A sharp shiver crawls across your skin when your pleads are obliged, moaning as Jungkook stuffs his face into your cunt. He kisses your clit softly. One, two, three times before sucking it with his plush lips. His hands were the only thing keeping you up now because you practically melted to the touch. The way his tongue rolled over your sensitive bud already having you see stars. “Ah...feels so good, Kookie.”

“Yeah? Would it feel even better if I do this?” He easily slides his middle finger into your slippery hole, slowly pumping in and out. “O-oh...oh my god, more please.”

“Anything for you baby, but first,” a whimper escapes your lips when you feel him leave you, that is until Jungkook swiftly but gently flips you over so you’re finally laying on your back.

Jungkook’s breath hitches to the sight of you below him, frozen for a moment to the aching pull of his heart.

“You’re so pretty baby, so pretty,” Jungkook’s voice was sweet and smooth as he helped you undress. Fuck, did you know how much you pained him? How much he held back for you, all these years, in this moment? It was so hard not to take you right then, to kiss you until you couldn’t breathe, to touch every single part of you with his lips.

Jungkook has fantasized about you ever since he could remember, but you truly went beyond his imagination. You were so fucking beautiful. 

“...so pretty here,” he kisses your cheeks and your jaw, down to your neck. “And here,” he kisses the valley between your breasts, his hands trailing down your curves. “And here,” your stomach...and finally, taking your clit back into his mouth.

“The prettiest cunt baby, dripping so much for daddy,” he murmurs. His tongue rolls around your clit, pumping two fingers in and out of your slick pussy. It was all too much, the sensations overwhelming your senses as ungodly moans escape your mouth. You felt fuzzy and almost light headed, reaching down to hold Jungkook’s curls.

Your back arches and tears stream down your eyes from the intense pleasure exhausting you, his fingers curling into your sweet spot mercilessly. “Do you like this baby?”

“Love it so much, Jungkook,” You moaned breathlessly, looking down at him through your tears and ... wow. 

Jungkook’s brows were creased as he focused on his tongue devouring your wet cunt, plunging his two fingers steadily in and out of you. His bangs were sticking to his forehead, glossed with sweat while your hands curled around the rest. 

You were taken aback with your emotions. Was it strange, how timid you felt then? Doing this with him was supposed to be sinful, yet for some reason, it felt anything but at that moment.

It was the fact that Jungkook looked so intent, so concentrated in making you feel good. How Jungkook showed his care for you, how he always did, how he was doing right now, cherishing you with his best effort. He wanted to give you the best experience he could, wanted nothing more than to make you feel good.

It was unbearable how much your heart swelled for him.

A knot tied in your stomach, and as if noticing your stare, his eyes flutter open to look at you.“Hm, does baby wanna cum now? You can do it love, cum for daddy.”

With that, you came undone in Jungkook’s mouth. Your cries filled the room, and Jungkook opened your hole wider with his fingers, devouring your cream. The sound of slurping made your cheeks heat with an impure red. “That’s my girl, so good for daddy. So sweet for me baby, so beautiful.”

When you went limp in his arms, he gives your lips one last sweet kiss before standing on his knees. Jungkook smiles at the sight of you, already so fucked out even when he was no where near finished with you. 

He crawled forward, his forehead resting over yours once again. “Did that feel good, sweetie?” You nod shyly, your chests heaving up and down together. With rosy cheeks, you weakly bring your hands up to trace his jaw. “Jungkook?”

“Yes baby?” You melted to his dulcet voice, keeping his loving gaze. It held so much affection, so much adoration for you, you wondered why you never realized it.

“Kiss me, please.”

Jungkook smiles warmly. Without hesitation, he takes your lush, sweet lips in his. It was gentle, a kind of kiss that was so tender it made you warm with reassurance. You were kissing Jungkook—your silly, annoying, bratty, and all the while, lovable best friend of 20 years. It was strange and odd but more than anything, it felt so, unmistakably right.

You took Jungkook by surprise when you deepened the kiss, your hand squeezing his hair. He chuckled softly, pulling himself back momentarily to look into your eyes. “I love you,” he whispers.

Your cheeks heat up, but you fight your timidness as you smile back, “I love you too, Kookie.” 

With that, Jungkook delves back into your lips. A kiss that wasn’t so delicate this time. Rather, untamed and furious, as if Jungkook wanted to show you how much, how long he’s wanted this all this time.

You moaned into him as his hands groped your breasts, fingers twirling your perky nipples. “Jungkookie,” you hold your breath, feeling his clothed cock press against your core. “Fuck me please. Please, I need you so bad.”

“Yeah?” He lowers himself to take a nipple into his mouth. “Tell me how much you want it baby.” He flicked, swirled, and sucked it with his tongue, alternating with the other.

“W-Want it so bad daddy. Please, n-need you to fuck my wet pussy mm, daddy please.”

“Since you asked so nicely,” he grins and sits up, pulling his shirt over his head, discarding his boxers and...

Oh.

Your breath hitched, blinking at Jungkook’s huge, painfully hardened cock. His tip was pink with sticky, white precum dribbling down his long member. It slightly pretruded up and its veins throbbed as if it’s been aching. And truly, he was. He’s been aching to feel your walls wrap around him for so long. You have no idea how hard he’s been trying to hold himself back for you. How painful it was to—and now, seeing you there, perfect and pretty, so shy and red just for him, Jungkook wasn’t sure he could anymore.

Jungkook needed you. He needed you getting stuffed full of his cock right now.

“I-Its so big...” You gulp as he centers himself in between your legs. “I know baby, so big and ready for your tiny cunt. Can you be a big girl and take it for me baby, hm? Let daddy fuck you until he’s satisfied? Let him use you like the little cock slut you are?”

“Y-yes daddy,” you whimper as he rubs his slick tip against your soaked, smooth cunt, sliding it back and forth. “I’m yours so please, p-please just use me daddy!”

“So good for me baby, such an obedient little slut for daddy, fuck,” Jungkook groans, slipping his tip into your lush walls. You cry as he stretches you all the way out, leaving no room for you to breathe with his tip poking your tummy. Your mind felt dizzy, mouth ajar with drool slipping out even when he hadn’t even moved yet. 

“Shiiit you should see yourself baby. Such a fucking whore for daddy’s cock. Can I move, baby? Or can this tiny little pussy not take my big cock?”

“I-I..mm, please, I can take it! Please fuck me daddy!”

“That’s my girl.” Jungkook starts off painfully slow but just as painfully hard, pushing your knees to your chest. He completely draws himself back so he can see his glistening, twitching tip before driving himself back into your core. “Shit baby, your pussy’s so, fuck, tight.” Jungkook moaned to how your breast bounced up and down every time he shoved himself in.

You were sobbing by the time he quickened his pace, the intense sensation having you light headed. Jungkook loved the way you looked under him, eyes rolled back with buried balls deep inside of you. “You like this baby? Love my cock filling you? Answer me.”

“L-love mm love so m—ah, Kookie..! f-feels so....g-good daddy.”

“Look at you, baby. Can’t even talk with daddy’s cock stuffing you. Such a dumb slut for daddy, so fucking hot baby.” Jungkook moans, juices spurting everywhere and dampening the sheets with every thrust.

“I-I’m not d-dumb..!” You whimpered, fat tears streaming down your eyes. Jungkook smirks, licking his lips.

“Aww, of course you are baby. Just a dumb little cock slut for daddy. Can only think of daddy’s cock, can you?”

You can’t bring yourself to answer, your mind too scrambled with each and every thrust. Jungkook was going so fast, so hard, you felt so full.

“That’s what I thought baby. My sweet girl, fucked dumb for daddy. You only need daddy’s cock, nothing else.” Jungkook positioned your legs over his shoulders, clenching on to them to drill deeper into your tummy.

“Oh, o-oh my god, ah d-daddy...! ‘m your slut...love your dick so m-much...love being stuffed with cock.” Jungkook groaned to your sinful moans, feeling his stomach tighten.

“Just want daddy to cum inside you, don’t you? Want daddy to fill you up until you’re dripping with my cum, baby?”

“Y-yes, please daddy! Want daddy’s cum so bad! Please give me cum..!” Jungkook shoves his thumb inside of you plush lips, and god, he’s so proud of his work, so proud of you. You were taking his thumb like a good girl, sucking it as if it were his cock.

Jungkook felt his dick throb inside of you, aching for release. He pulls his thumb out with a pop of your wet lips, coated with saliva, and rubs figures over your clit. You scream, gripping onto the sheets. it was so much, too much for you to handle. Your back arches as he abuses your clit and sloppily fucks your hole.

“J-Jung–Jungkook, ah, please! Kookie! I-I’m..!”

“Its okay, baby, its okay. Gonna cum with daddy, hm? You can do it baby, sweet girl, cum for me,” Jungkook cooes, attempting to soothe your nerves, but his words are breathless and ragged. He thrusts in and out one, two, three, four more times until he burries himself deep inside you, spurts of thick cum filling your womb.

Jungkook groans as your pussy clenches around him, and you’re a sobbing, moaning, wet mess as you milk him. “Fuck, my sweet girl. Taking my cum like a big girl baby. So good for daddy, so fucking good for me.” With his praise, you feel yourself release soon after. Jungkook continues to thrust in and out of you, helping you ride out your high.

When he feels you falter in his arms, he pulls out and lays on top of you. Both of you stay like that for awhile, exhausted and in a daze.

With your moist bodies tangled with one another’s, you shut your eyes. You can hear Jungkook’s heartbeat hammer against yours, you short-winded breaths, and the soft whirring sound of the air conditioner.

Moonlight filtered in through your windows, casting a luminescent glow on Jungkook’s skin when he pushes his upper body up, his shoulders resting on either side of you.

Jungkook had spent the whole night cherishing you, telling you how pretty you were, and yet there he was—so ethereal under midnight’s grace. How could he be real?

You bring your hand to caress his cheeks. You don’t say anything. He doesn’t either.

In that moment, so intimate and sacred, His doe, gentle eyes that you could get lost in—that hold all the lost stars of the night sky, tell you all you need to know.

You yawn, stretching your arms high up. “Here’s your order maam,” two porcelain cups of matcha are placed in front of you, steam following it’s every movement. You mumble a thank you, smiling before your eyes drift to the man at the other side of the cross walk.

He’s wearing all black as per usual, revealing the beautiful tattoos that adorned his tan skin. His hair was tousled and he looked sleepy—after all, he’d just gotten out of class—but as soon as the crosswalk lights up with green, you chuckle when he sprints across and into the shop.

The bell that hung by the door didn’t even finish ringing before he runs to you, sweeping you off your chair and into his arms. “Kookie, let me down!” You giggle, but nonetheless wrapping your arms around his neck.

“I’m so proud of you baby,” he nuzzles his nose into yours. “You finally published it right? The twenty second chapter?”

a / n : ahhhhh its exactly 3:01am and i have class in the morning which is why the middle ending is super rushed sorry ! i truly wonder why i do this to myself.

this is my first smut fanfiction so i’m not sure how i did , but if anyone ever reads this , i hope you enjoyed ! i dont think im cut out to write smut, i truly did have headaches thinking of synonyms for thrust and dirty talk . i really admire smut writers ,, writing smut is not as easy as it seems !!

anyways , sending love abundance and happiness your ways. you deserve love, you’re worthy of love, and you are love.

stay safe and healthy starlights <3