#someone had to actually TELL ME to take pain meds for me to finally do it

[braceletofteeth]

reminder that if you're feeling pain you're allowed to take pain meds even if it's not unbearable

[sky-scribbles]

There are a lot of things to love about the SSV Normandy. It’s a symbol of cooperation between two species historically at odds. It’s a miracle of engineering, a technological masterpiece that could alter every pattern of space warfare. Its crew is the highest calibre that the Alliance has to offer, bolstered by multispecies allies: an emblem of flying hope.

It also has far, far too many flashing lights. Everywhere.

One hand pressed to the wall to keep himself steady, the other pressed against his forehead as if that’s going to do any good, Kaidan shuffles down the hall toward the med bay. Every light panel and display interface feels like a laser drill boring directly through his eyes, sounds reverberate against the inside of his skull, and his sense of balance is a distant, pleasant memory. Kaidan sucks in a tight breath between his teeth. It’s going to be okay. He can do this. He’s done it before.

He drags himself the last few feet, and the med bay doors slide open. Kaidan opens up his omni-tool – god, why are those so bright, too? – and does what he’s done a hundred times, scanning the medical interface so that the med system logs him. Doctor Chakwas isn’t here, which means she’s on her rest shift, but that’s fine. The med system will alert her if there’s a problem.  

Kaidan, turns, so ready to collapse into the nearest med bed – except he can’t. Because there’s someone already in it.

‘Oh,’ he says. ‘Hey, Tali.’

‘Hey, Lieutenant.’ She still seems shy about using his first name. Maybe it’s a habit from being raised on board ships, or maybe she’s just not sure if she’s allowed. ‘Are you okay?’

‘I will be once the pain meds kick in.’ Kaidan makes it to the next bed along and finally, finally lies down and shuts his eyes. ‘Doctor Chakwas is just… pretty strict about me coming here whenever a migraine kicks in. Just in case it’s a sign of something going wrong with my implant.’

Through the fog of everything hurts, it finally surfaces in his brain that Tali in the med bay is… that’s bad, right? ‘What about you? Are you, you know –?’

Okay, he’s not sure how to finish that sentence. There’s probably not a polite way to say hey, are you here because you’ve picked up a fatal illness?

He cracks one eye open, just enough to see her looking glumly at him. He’s not sure how he can tell that she’s glum when all he can see is her eyes, but yeah. She’s glum. ‘You know how I took a hit on Feros?’

‘Yeah.’

‘And how I disinfected it, and used my patch kit on the suit breach, and told Shepard I was fine?’

‘Yeah.’

‘I was not fine.’ She slumps down miserably. ‘My throat is full of painful slime, my sinuses are on fire, and my halesh –’ Okay, that’s obviously some piece of quarian anatomy – ‘is more gummed up than I can describe.’

Kaidan shuts his eyes again. ‘Well, my skull feels like it’s slowly contracting and crushing my brain, so… I sort of feel you.’

She laughs weakly. ‘I should have run an extra med scan once I got back to the Normandy. I just – I wanted to help with the engine maintenance today. And there’s this combat drone design I’m working on. And now…’ There’s a sound of movement; Kaidan gets the impression that she’s gesturing at the med bay in angry helplessness.

‘I feel that too.’ And he does. He really does. This isn’t the worst migraine he’s ever had – he can actually hold a conversation, which some days would be beyond him. But it’s… it’s not great. And he had things to do. Ash was running a drill and wanted him to look over her plans. He had a cleaning shift at fourteen hours. Shepard wanted to talk strategy for Noveria.  And yes, he knows he has a right to take time off for a medical issue. He knows he’s no use to Ash or Shepard or anyone when he can’t even walk in a straight line. But knowing that doesn’t quite get rid of the squirm in his belly, the one that feels like letting people down.

Tali’s quiet for a minute, aside from the ever-present, barely-audible hum of her suit systems, and the occasional sniff from behind her helmet. Then she says, unexpectedly, ‘I’m just… I’m so tired. You know what I mean?’

Kaidan’s head throbs. He swallows. ‘Oh, yeah.’

The constant vigilance. Always having to be careful about where he goes – is this room too bright? Is this one too loud? – in case something triggers another bad spell. Taking hits to the head in a fight that anyone else could just shrug off, but that for him mean another trip to the med bay to make sure his implant isn’t damaged. Trying to do his job and suddenly finding, no, he can’t, because his body has decided that today’s the day he just doesn’t get to function.

Tali… she must go through the same awful deal, just in a different flavour. Always being careful, so careful. Someone else’s minor injury being her okay, let’s get a med check to make sure I won’t die. It’s not the same, of course: Kaidan can eat food without filtering it, touch people without protective layers, see people’s faces without a tinted mask. Still… there’s a tone in her voice that he knows from his own.

There’s a heavy silence. Then Tali says, ‘You know what’s really stupid? I left my datapad in my cabin, so I can’t even watch vids.’

Kaidan smiles. He’s seen her down in Engineering, a few times, hands flying around over the machinery, rocking back and forth on her heels. Idleness obviously doesn’t suit her. ‘You can borrow mine, if you like.’

‘Really?’ Her voice is already brighter. ‘I mean – won’t the noise will make you feel worse?’

‘Nah, I’ll be good.’ He’s not just saying it; there’s a blissful numbness creeping through his head which means that his meds are finally getting to work. He fishes the datapad from his pocket, taps in his passcode, and hands it over. ‘What kind of vids do you like?’

Her whole being perks up – tone, body, everything. ‘Oh, all of them.Any genre, any species. I mean… asari vids can be a bit long. I mean, they’re made by people who can spend a decade making a vid and a whole day watching it. Turians… their vids can be a bit depressing. There’s a lot of ‘this war ended with almost everyone dead, but one turian is still standing, so it’s a victory!”

‘What about quarians? What kinds of stories do your people tell?’

A small laugh echoes inside the helmet. ‘Quarian vids are pretty limited by environment. We don’t have a lot of varied sets to work with. So we tell the best long-running dramas. There’s one ship in the Flotilla that’s been hosting the same series for over eighty standard years now. Following the crew as they change over time, that sort of thing.’ She taps the base of her helmet. ‘It’s pretty good, but… I think if you watched it, you’d think there were a lot more explosions, murders and shipwide romantic entanglements in the Flotilla than there actually are.’

‘Human dramas are like that too.’

Tali laughs. ‘Quarian dramas make human dramas look relaxed.’

Kaidan finds he’s actually able to grin. ‘So what do human vids tell you about us?’

Her helmet tilts as she considers. ‘That you’re very individualistic. I mean, not every human culture. But you put a lot of focus onto characters and personal journeys.’ She scrolls down the datapad screen – looking through vid lists, presumably – then stops. It’s hard to tell, but Kaidan thinks she might be frowning. ‘I did notice… in a lot of human media, the biotics are…’

Another insistent pulse of pain through his temples. Kaidan sighs. ‘Crazy extremists?’

‘Yes. Do you… do you mind if I ask why that is?’

‘No, it’s fine.’ Kaidan turns onto his back and stares up at the dim ceiling. ‘A lot of the early generation of biotics, the ones who got the same implants as me… let’s just say I got off lightly. Most ended up with much more serious medical conditions. And when people found out about the side effects of the L2 implants, the media got the bit between its teeth and –’ Yeah, no, that wasn’t going to translate. ‘Sorry. Human saying. They got a certain impression, and they ran with it.’

Tali’s quiet for several seconds. Kaidan twists his head to face her, and sees the pale eyes behind the mask giving him a long, steady look.

‘I’m sorry,’ she says. And then, after a moment, ‘They tell lies about us, too.’

Kaidan holds her gaze, and feels terribly, achingly sad. ‘Yeah,’ he says. ‘I bet they do.’

 The way people look at Tali as she walks through the Presidium… it’s familiar. Not quite the same. There’s a note of scorn in the looks they give to Tali – but there’s suspicion, too, and that’s something he knows. All the times back on Earth, after he got back from Jump Zero, when he shook someone’s hand or opened a door, and their eyes found the implants. They way they stared at him like he was a loaded gun. All the documents he had to fill out to do anything, the knowledge that any government he lived under would always be hovering a few steps away, keeping tabs, making sure.

Remembering Rahna – remembering that obvious, instinctive fear in her eyes – is an old memory now, the kind that’s a faded scar. But he remembers the shock of it, back when he was seventeen. When no one had looked at him like that before, and it was dizzying and new and felt like a hole in his gut.

He bets Tali has that hole in her gut all the time.

Kaidan pushes himself up a little – which makes his brain spin, but he manages it – and gives Tali a smile. ‘Well. Let’s look for something that gets us both right.’

‘Definitely.’ She flicks through the options for a minute more, then pauses. ‘Have you ever seen Fleet and Flotilla?’

‘I think I’ve heard of it.’ There’s a faint memory of seeing an ad for it, maybe, and thinking it was the kind of thing he’d have loved as a kid. Space exploration. Justice. Love. ‘The… war romance, right?’

‘Yes!’ Tali’s legs bounce. ‘It’s – keelah, it’s so good, it’s – it’s about this girl, Shalei, who’s on her pilgrimage. And she’s interested in the geth, because she’s got this dream of finding a way to defeat them and take back the Homeworld, right? And when she finds something, she goes to the Citadel for help, but no one will listen except this one turian called Bellicus –’

‘Hold up. Wasn’t that… exactly what you were doing when we met you? Minus the turian, I mean.’

Tali ducks her head, suddenly shy. ‘I… I really, really like the vid.’

No kidding. Kaidan smiles. ‘So let’s watch it.’

His head still feels like a bombsite, and when he thinks about all the things he wants to be doing for his crew and isn’t, the rest of him hurts too. But maybe he’s still doing something for his crew, sitting in the med bay with his sick squadmate – his sick friend – and sharing her favourite vid with her. Maybe he’s doing something for him, too. He doesn’t do that too often.

Tali props the datapad up on the table between their beds, her whole body one big smile. ‘You’re going to love this,’ she promises, and presses play.

[sexydoffyman]

this one is kinda strange

so basically reader is a female, and really wants to please her partner, konig. so she tries losing weight, but ends up exaggerating and it ends in fluff. tysm if youll consider doing it <3!

SAVIOUR

genre: slight angst to fluff

characters: König

A/N: Hope ya liked it.🦖

You were never in love throughout your life. You always tried to get into a relationship, but since you didn’t fit the beauty standard, you were always met with the same answer. “Sorry, but I like thinner girls.” You never gave it much thought. You didn’t love them anyway, so why would you need to change?

That was your mindset until you met him. König. You both fell in love the moment you met. You started meeting more often and it eventually ended up being a relationship. You finally, for the first time, felt love.

Everything was just right. He was a little awkward at first, but he warmed up to you a lot over time. The longer you were together, the more you fell in love. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the only thing that came into your life. You started thinking about the reasons why everyone rejected you. You looked at yourself. You immediately started to feel like you disappointed him.

He was a mountain of a man filled with muscle. You thought to yourself that a guy like König couldn’t possibly be attracted to someone like you. It made you feel sad, but you couldn’t just give up. You researched every diet you could. Most of them were just misleading, but you tried anyway. It did result in you getting thinner. Sadly, thinner doesn’t always mean healthier.

You were finally able to look at yourself, ignoring the stomach pain you had to endure every day. You were always tired. You started to get sick more often. Konig never really noticed that you became thinner, but when you started being overall less energetic and more tired, he noticed.

“Hey, are ya feeling well?” He asked worryingly. You looked at him with a smile “Why wouldn’t I be?” He looked at you even more concerned as he noticed your prominent cheekbones. “Have you started taking any new meds?” He continued questioning. “Oh common. You don’t have to worry about anything. I’m absolutely fine!” The more you spoke, to more he noticed that the shape of your face changed.

He finally noticed how much you actually changed. He looked you in the eyes and spoke. “Baby, look at yourself. You can’t possibly be healthy.” His gaze looked urgent. You continued insisting that there was nothing wrong and that he was just seeing things. You kept up the act for quite a while, but you wouldn’t be able to do so for long.

“Imagine if I started starving myself.” That, for some reason, brought you back to your senses. You bawled your eyes out to him, telling him how you thought that he was way above your league. He kept looking at you in disbelief. “Baby please just… let me help you get through this. Alright?”

After that day, he always made sure that you ate enough. And your weight started getting back to normal again. Finally, after such a long time, you managed to get over it. For years, it stuck with you. It was hidden in the back of your head.

He was the only one who was able to fix your problems. Your one true love.

[tigergirltail]

TIGER HRT CHAPTER 5 - MONTH 4 - COMMUNITY

FIRST - PREV - NEXT

It took another month after my check-in, after starting the correct dosage, for my transformation to stabilize and stop hurting all the time. My bones have settled down, my tail is getting long enough to get in the way which is honestly more exciting than annoying, and I've even got little bitty claws pushing out of my fingers! The mechanisms for retracting and extending them haven't grown yet, though, so I just… am sharp now.

It's actually become kind of a bloody inconvenience, and I use the term 'bloody' very literally. The first few times I went to go scratch an itch, I'd end up drawing blood, and having to go clean myself up and put on a bandage. I thought about clipping my claws, but I have no idea if that's going to stunt their development or have consequences when I can finally retract them, and it's not something that seems worth bothering Dr. Erian about. The biggest problem is that sometimes I'll move my arms in my sleep, and there's no way of telling what'll be in the way. I've already had to conduct emergency repairs on three plushies, and my bedsheets are kind of a write-off.

I was a little afraid of the pain subsiding, if I'm being honest, because it means going back to work, which means existing in a public space with my half-human half-something-else face. It's still cold enough that I can wear a scarf and toque over the more off-putting features, but that won't last much longer and it's not something I can do indoors. I'm just going to have to face the truth…

I don't pass as human anymore.

My first day working in-person again, my supervisor walks into my office with the intention of welcoming me back, but what actually happens is he stands in the doorway dumbfounded before asking, "Now what in the world happened to your face??"

For all the time I had, I never actually managed to think of a clever lie, so I just tell him it's a side effect of some new meds I'm taking. Technically not a lie, if you ignore the word 'side'. Fortunately, he doesn't ask what's wrong with me. I'm not looking forward to having to tell someone who doesn't get it that Being Human counts as Something Wrong.

Work has been alright, though, if a bit dull. My coworkers mostly leave me to my own devices to get things done.

It's doing anything else that becomes an issue.

I get lots of stares in the grocery store or the mall. I'm not sure whether it's the inhuman face that does it, or the fact that I nearly always wear t-shirts and my fur is now growing up to my wrists. I think it's growing faster now that it's run up against peak arm hair territory. Either way, I basically don't dare set foot outside without my partner in tow. Nobody's tried anything yet, but I see them shying away from me, and just the other day a little kid called me a 'monster'. It's… still eating at me.

I never could take being the centre of attention.

It's not all doom and gloom, though. I don't know whether the tactile senses of my hands have changed or it's something psychological, but that thing cats do where they knead something with their claws? "Making biscuits" I've heard it called?

It feels soooo niiiice.

Last weekend I went to take an afternoon nap, and ended up spending a solid half hour just squishing my blahaj with my hands (or would that be 'paws' now?) All the stress from the previous week just… melted away. It was like an ASMR video for my sense of touch.

Is it bad that I'm really enjoying being a little more cat-brained?

I've also become RAVENOUSLY hungry. As in, "destroy an entire rotisserie chicken in one sitting" hungry. The meat cravings have kicked in, HARD, and I've basically lost my appetite for bread and pasta. You really don't realize how much human food is grain-based until you stop wanting to eat it…

All the big changes hitting at once are getting hard to withstand sometimes. There are nights when I go to bed absolutely euphoric about how it's finally happening, I'm finally embodying everything I'm supposed to be! But there are also nights when I cry myself to sleep because oh gods, what was I thinking, why am I doing this to myself, I look and feel like a godsdamned circus freak, and it really doesn't help to remember that white tigers are pretty much universally victims of inbreeding and abuse.

In a moment of weakness, I catch myself eyeing the remaining contents of the HRT bottle. I ran some numbers a little while back and figured out that at the recommended dose, this bottle is an entire 18-month treatment, give or take. Well, 12 months now, I guess, since I was accidentally taking a triple dose for the first three months. The fact that it's a diluted Fifteen Minute formula means that if I just brace myself and chug the entire rest of the bottle, that would finish out the treatment in one go, wouldn't it? It… probably wouldn't even hurt as much as doing Fifteen-Minute from the start, right?

My partner walks in on me holding it and staring at it, and asks what I'm doing, so I explain my thought process. They just silently put one hand on mine and use the other to gently remove the bottle from my grasp.

"But I -", I begin to protest.

"No."

"I keep getting stared at and -"

"No."

"That one little girl called me a monster!"

"No."

I start crying, and I can't help raising my voice. "If I just finish it all NOW then maybe -"

"NO."

They set the bottle down and pull me into a tight hug, pinning my upper arms to my sides. "I love you very much, and I don't want to see you hurt yourself. You went into this knowing it was gonna suck for a while, and right now it sucks, but it's not worth risking your life over."

I don't have a counter-argument. I just lower my face onto their shoulder and sob. "I just… I don't want to keep doing this alone anymore! I need… I need help! Support, guidance, SOMETHING!!" I cling to them, digging my fingers, my claws, into their back. "I don't want to be the only one…"

"You aren't.", they reassure me quietly. "Didn't you tell me yourself that there's a bunch of people doing this? We even saw a whole crowd of them at that seafood place."

"Y-yeah, but I don't know anybody local!"

"Then find them online. It's better than nothing, isn't it?"

"It's… It's just not the same…"

They pat me on the back. "Just… try. For me."

They let me cry into their shoulder for another several minutes before I let them go.

Back at my computer, I sit down and start searching for a humanity removal therapy support group. A Discord server, a Facebook group, a Tumblr sideblog, ANYTHING. Gods help me, I'm even looking to TWITTER for help. Even as a human I was a solitary creature, and tigers are about as solitary a creature as they come, so it takes a lot of effort to bring myself to reach out. I end up doing it right before I go to bed, just firing off a few quick messages to some figures in the community, then forcing myself not to look at social media the rest of the night. For all my growth, I'm still a bit terrified of being noticed.

By the time I wake up, some of them have gotten back to me. I… wasn't expecting it to be so fast.

It turns out there's a private group chat where a bunch of them hang out on the regular to talk about what they're going through. They sound open to the idea of bringing me in, but want to get to know me a little better first. I don't blame them for wanting to keep to themselves. I get to talking with one of them, a lamia-to-be, and through our conversations I get the distinct impression that, well, I'm not alone in feeling alone. Somehow I manage to convince her I'm worth knowing and having around, and she sends me an invite to the group chat server.

Time to face the mortifying ordeal of being known.

I go through all the typical new-to-the-server motions. I read the rules page - it's the usual "don't be a dick" type stuff, with some bonus content applicable to our unique situation, like not stereotyping based on species, and a reminder to not present your own experiences with humanity removal as universal fact. Then into the welcome channel to type up a quick introduction:

"Hey all, I'm Alexis, transfem (she/her), 38, 4 months white tiger HRT. Interests include gaming, tabletop RPGs, costuming, and witchcraft. Looking forward to getting to know everyone!"

A few people react with heart emojis and tiger emojis. Discord only has the standard orange tiger as an emoji, but, you know, close enough. One person reacts with a witch emoji, and it gives me a laugh.

There's a channel for serious questions about the transformation process, so I decide to hop in and fire off a quick one:

"Not that I mind this, but why am I so hungry for meat now? It hit around the 3 month mark and now I can eat an entire roast chicken in one go"

Over the course of the next hour or so, a few people weigh in. The consensus is that my body is entering a 'bulking up' phase, and needs a ton of protein to generate muscle. Just out of curiosity I go to do an online search to confirm something, and yeah, tigers are a lot more proportionally muscular than humans are. Someone else suggests taking calcium supplements to help with bone growth, unless I'm prepared to drink a LOT of milk. I am in fact prepared for that, but it couldn't hurt to drop by the pharmacy.

It also turns out that the server isn't just for people who have started their HRT, but for aspiring humanity-removers as well. There's even a channel specifically for advice navigating the whole process, including how to convince your medical provider that you're for real and you won't immediately regret it when the itching/soreness/bleeding kicks in.

One of the regular posters is a teenage girl with a corvid avatar who asks a lot of questions about what it's like to become nonhuman. Surprisingly, she's not trans like most of us are, but she is queer. It sounds like she's not in a stable situation, though - she asks at one point if anyone can think of a way to get the meds without her parents noticing.

The problem is, even if that's a possibility, someone would notice when she starts sprouting black feathers and a beak.

---

(guest cameo from @ariathelamia!)

[rhodesrider]

hi, could you write something with judgment day!cargiver x reader!little where the little is sick and doesn't want to take her scary medicines (like injections or suppositories)

Running Away

CG! Judgement Day x Y/N Fem! Little! Reader (Special guest Seth R.)

-Minors DNI-

Warnings: Mentions of Regression, crying, mediation fear, comfort

~~~

“Yea just give me a second I’ll catch up!”

Seth yelled back at Cody and Sami as he walked in to the locker room humming and opening his locker. He grabbed his bag and turned around soon seeing a figure hiding in the showers behind the curtain. He was curious and slowly walked towards it hearing sniffling and shuffling. He pulled back the curtain and was confused. “Y/N? What are you hiding in the men’s room for?” He whispered. He looked close seeing she’s been crying from her puffy eyes. “Hey, are you ok?” Y/N was non verbal, she didn’t wanna speak at all. Seth squatted down some sighing. “Did someone hurt you?” She shook her head no. Soon Seth heard a faint yelling, Rhea was looking for her. “You’re hiding from them again about your meds?” He summed up. This isn’t the first time this happened, when JD was on smackdown and trying to get her to take her meds she hid in the bloodlines lounge room. Roman caught her and calmed her down seeing she regressed and she panicked not wanting her meds. But he reported her in and she had to take them. She did that in the women’s locker room, and Charlotte and Becky found her, they were actually in the middle of a verbal fight which made Y/N panic more but they calmed down and helped her together, got Rhea and took her meds.

Seth sighed and got up sitting on the bench in front of her, “I know it’s scary. But those help make you feel better Y/N.” She didn’t say a word still just stood in the corner. “You know I take them too.” She looked up some curious. “I take them for my back injury, and they help so much so I can continue my job.” Seth smiled. “Yours helps so you don’t have to feel sick or anything.” Seth explained as he pulled out his phone. “Becky had to help me so I can get better too.” He showed a picture of Becky and him taking a picture in the physical therapy office. “And trust me it was hell.” She looked at the photo and smiled. Seth patted the seat next to him and she slowly went over. Sitting down he pulled out another photo, him looking miserable. Y/N frowned seeing Seth in pain like that, “We all have to fight Y/N, even if it sucks.” He smiled and pulled out his pain meds shaking them some. “I already took mine, now I’m going to dinner with the guys and play video games at home with the wife.” He got up getting his things together. “Gotta stop running kid.” She frowned and felt bad, hearing the faint yelling of her name again from Damien and Finn this time.

“Want me to tell them you’re in here? Or you need a friend to walk with you?” She looked over and she nodded. Grabbing his hand they walked out together, she was nervous biting her nails since this isn’t the first time and she gets in trouble everytime. Rhea was looking around the stage and soon saw Y/N with Seth. She kept her cool because she didn’t want Y/N to cry. “Found her.” She yelled and the guys stopped looking getting back to Rhea. Rhea ran up to Y/N relieved knowing when stuff happens like this she’s regressed and scared. “I’m so sorry Seth I-“ “It’s cool me and her had a conversation and hopefully this is the last time she runs away.” Y/N felt so bad, it’s just too much when she has to take them. “Her side effects are what she hates the most, I can’t do much about it..” Rhea said feeling bad herself wishing there was a better way to deal with what Y/N deals with. “Just make her feel comfortable, that’s all you can do.” The guys caught up finally happy they found Y/N. Starting to feel worst, Y/N shed a few tears hugging on Damien sniffling. “It’s ok baby we aren’t mad but this has to stop.” He said in a soft tone. “I know the meds don’t make you feel the best either but I assure you it’s to never harm you.” Finn said as well giving her a forehead kiss. Rubbing her tears away, Rhea smiled. “Please please princess no more running.” Y/N thought for a moment thinking about the wrestlers comforting her, Seth was the one that took the cake. Showing her that it’s gonna be tough yes but you have to beat the odds and fight through it. She nodded and Rhea gave a sweet kiss. “Thank you.” Rhea said to Seth. “I’m glad to help. Now imma get going we are all going out to eat.” “Can I come?” A soft voice said. Seth looked down seeing a pouting face that was also hungry. “Come on, not the eyes.” Y/N batted them some and he folded. “Fine fine, stop with the face. You guys can come.” They celebrated and followed along to the car. But still the meds were needed to be taken.

At the little get together, Y/N stared at the pill. Sitting in her pill box, glaring at it not wanting it at all. Her caregivers giving her eye contact and even Seth Cody and Sami worried. She sighed and she got the juice taking the pill quick. They were all relieved. “Can I have sweets now?” Rhea smiled. “Yes baby you can have sweets, I’m so proud of you.” She hugged Y/N happy she didn’t have to force her or make her cry knowing how much she hated it. Y/N peeked at Seth and he winked going back to his conversation. She smiled and soon was rewarded with the sweets she desired after eating her food. Later in the car, she wasn’t even tired but her head was a bit foggy, Rhea held her close and hummed to her as she fell into rest.

[broadwaybalogna]

Times I’ve inserted myself onto Zuko or Katara and helped myself.

I JUST made a post about self inserting on Katara and also Zuko and how it’s okay. This post will go over times I’ve done it and how I was able to help myself through rough times.

1. An except from “They Say Beauty is Pain”, a fic I wrote surrounding body image and dysmorphia.

”I don’t know. I guess I just…” she struggled to find the words to explain her feelings, “for lack of a better term, wish I liked my body more?”

[…]

”I think there are parts of ourselves that we all fail to understand and accept,” he finally began after a long pause. “I mean, look at me. I have a huge scar on my face but you sit next to me and tell me how beautiful it makes me. […] The same goes for you. […] Whatever you may dislike about yourself, I know I love it more than you could imagine. […] We all have things we’re insecure about, yeah. But I think the opinions that matter most are those closest to us and can best shape us to love ourselves the most. If that even makes sense.”

This entire one-shot was me writing about my experience with my body. As a firm hurt/comfort lover, I had to find a way for Katara (or me) to be comforted. This can go for my readers as well, people who may associate themselves with Katara and also suffer from body image issues can (I hope) read this and feel comforted about themselves.

2. An except from “Sleep When You Can, My Dear (I’ll Be Here When You Wake)” a fic I wrote about taking meds and the effects it can have on a person.

”For a long time, I didn’t know who I was without my trauma. It shaped my entire personality to who I am today. Every piece of me became what it was because of my own suffering. I didn’t know how different I would be if I… healed. The idea of a version of myself that wasn’t who I was in that moment was scary… But I realized, over time, that even though those moments will forever shape who I am as a person, they don’t have to define me. I am not some girl who lost her mother two years ago and goes to therapy for it. I’m more than that. And you’re more than the boy with father issues who needs medication. We improve ourselves each day by living and accepting that we can be better. And I look forward to knowing that the next day, I’ll get new experiences that will shape who I become.”

Guys, I can only write stuff like this by putting myself into the characters shoes. I actually technically inserted myself into BOTH Katara and Zuko to write this. How would I react to someone saying this? How would I comfort my partner (if I had one)?

3. An except from “The Psychology of a Test” which is about finding a balance between school and life.

“Zuko,” Katara finally said, lowering her voice and finally becoming more calm, “I don’t really know much about your relationship with your dad- or school. But it was so nice seeing you actually happy and talking these past few days. It really put things into perspective for me. I realize that I’ve been studying so much all the time, that I never thought about how it affected you. I’m sorry.”

“What? No, don’t be sorry. My relationship with school is.. complicated at best, but in no way is any of it your fault,” he sat up to face Katara, “but I have realized how much more I like being free. I just need to find a balance.”

“Could I- could I help you find it?” Katara asked after a short moment has passed.

“I’d love that.”

Many published authors will say that what they write is based on real experiences they have gone through. Why is it okay for published authors to do this and not fanfiction authors?

Don’t let ANYONE tell you that you can’t write characters to connect with you.

You CAN.

[daughterofthequeen]

Fear is Only a Obstacle

Pairing: Poe Dameron x reader

Summary: Poe is finally able to see you and he’s not wasting anymore time

Warnings: Describing injuries, cliche cliche cliche, fluff a lot, and angst but this time the fluff out ways the angst, not proofread I’m sleepy you guys, let me know if I missed anything

A/n: Just a part 2 to my fic Till the End of Time

The sound of tie fighters are deafening

Along with the sound of exploding ships

Laser canons of different ships all around you

All of it replaying in your mind over and over until you finally wake up and the first thing you see are a pair of annoying bright lights. Groaning as your sitting up, it seems like you’ve been here for a few hours if you listen to what your body is telling you, but it only feels like a few minutes have passed. You remember trying to land as best you can with a blown engine then nothing. And now you’re even more confused because you’re not in any pain.

“Why happened?” You said getting ready to stand up and get out of the medibed you were in. “I hate med bays. Hello? Anyone here? You know im not claiming to be the smartest person in the galaxy but im pretty sure someone is supposed to at least be hovering over me.” You say in a semi loud sarcastic tone to make sure the person at the front desk could hear you.

And as you suspected your nurse came in. “You shouldn’t be sitting up just yet”, she said gently laying you back down on the bed. “It’s not like anyone was here to stop me. What happened anyway, I’m guessing the crash knocked me out but I’m not in the slightest of pain, you guys must’ve gave me some of the real good meds.”

Catching the nurse off guard she started laughing. “Yes, with all the injuries you have they were needed before you woke or you were going to be in a lot of pain. A migraine due to your concussion, fractured rib, a severely sprained ankle, and all of your cuts and bruises to top it off, you are very lucky those were the only extents of your wounds.”

“Yeah, I guess so. I’m not gonna be as lucky soon though because these pain meds are starting to wear off.” The groaning thats coming from you and the intense pain in your ankle is saying enough.

“Yeah, according to your chart it is time for another dosage. I’ll be right back.”

“Oh wow she wasn’t kidding.” You whispered feeling a major throbbing pain on the left side of your ribs.

Heading someone knock softly on the door you look up and see Leia standing in the door way smiling at you which causes you to smile back.

“Hey.”

“Hey, how are you feeling?” She asked sitting down next to you on your medibed.

“The pain is starting to kick in but my nurse is going to get me another dosage for the pain. What about you and everyone else?”

“ We took some heavy loses and a bunch more injured including yourself, I had to come down to check on your all.”

“ That’s going to take a while.”

“ I don’t mind it, you all risk your life to fight for a cause that could affect the whole galaxy willingly under my orders the least I can do is sit with you all and keep you company.”

“Your kindness never ceases to surprise me.”

“That’s something I use to tell your mother all the time.” That caught you off guard but it brought you joy, you knew your mom and Leia were friends before she passed. And it gave you some comfort to know you could got to Leia and ask questions about who she was and what she was like as a person anytime you wanted. It was one of the reasons you and Poe had bonded so well because you understood each others pain. Wait a minute, Poe.

“Oh Maker, I gotta find Poe, is he ok?!”

“Calm child. Poe is just find he’s out in the hallway now waiting to see you.”

“He’s not injured?”

“No. He’s perfectly fine, he seen you going down and was trying to get to you but you crashed. He’s actually the reason your alive he got you out the ship and here to the medbay in time enough for them to heal your wounds.

“He’s probably a mess right now.”

“Oh he is in complete distress but it’s not as bad as it was.” Looking up she says your nurse with the pain killers, getting ready to put them through your IV.

“Nurse Poy.”

“Yes general?”

“After you finish giving Y/n her medicine let Poe Dameron in. Seeing the nurse about to protest, she stops her in time. “I know visitors aren’t aloud right now but he needs this, they both do. Just let them have the room for a few minutes. Please?”

“Yes general, but make it quick.” The sides says looking down at your worried eyes. “If anyone see’s it’ll cause a ruckus and everyone would want to do it, then the whole medbay is full.”

“A few minutes is all we need.”

Leia stands and heads out the door into the hallway where Poe is waiting to hear anything about your condition. “I’ll get him.”

After a few minutes you see and hear Poe rush through the door. It actually startled you a little bit.

“Hi? You ok?”

“Am I ok? Are you ok? I’ve been worried for hours and all they kept telling me was that you still weren’t responding. They wouldn’t let me in no matter how many times I tried, they actually threatened to sedate me if I didn’t sit down. I was this close to punching a doctor Y/n I swear.”

All of his rambling was making you laugh until you seen the tears still coming out of his red and dry eyes. “Poe, you’re crying. Stop crying, I’m fine.”

“ I was worried about you. Seeing you just lying there in my arms not moving and barely breathing, that out a picture in my head that I never wanted to see. And now it’s something I can’t get out my head.” He says grabbing your hand that’s closest to him and squeezing it softly.

“Poe-“

“No, wait a minute, just listen for a second, okay? I prayed and promised to whoever was listening that if you made it out of this I would tell you the truth, and we only have a couple more minutes, so just let me say it, please?” He took your silence as a green light to tell you.

“Okay look Y/n, I don’t know how this is going to affect us but I can’t hold it in anymore. I’m in love with you.”

That made you stop breathing completely.

“And I know we always flirt and joke around but it’s real for me and I know it is for you too. Why do we keep torturing ourselves? Why don’t we just let go of the fear and see where it takes us?” Taking off his signature necklace, the one he holds close to his heart the one with his mothers band on it, and he holds it up for you to see it clearly. “You see this? When I met you I knew this ring was meant for you, I just didn’t know how to approach you with it. Now I am, and I know you’re afraid about what could happen to one of us in the future, but to be honest I don’t care about what could happen. Because I would rather us be together whole heartedly in love with each other for only one day, then to continue putting ourselves through this cycle of suffrage, and not having the chance to show it at all. I know you’re afraid but we can’t let fear dictate how we feel about each other anymore. So what do you say?”

“Poe”, you sigh. “Poe I have lost to many people to this war, if let you in now and something we’re to happen to you, the pain would be unbearable. And don’t say you promise you won’t leave because that’s not a promise you can keep, no matter how loyal you are. Trust me many have, and their deaths still way heavy in my mind.”

“I wasn’t going to make you that promise because that is not in our control, you’re right. But I can promise you that I will love you unconditionally till the day I die whether that be on the battlefield or after we grow old together, I’m going to love you. So what do you say?”

“…”

“It’s ok you don’t have to answer right away I know it’s a lot to think about and pro-”

“Yes.”

“What.”

“Yes. I love you, and you’re right, no more hiding behind fear, its just me and you from now on, the good and the bad.”

The joy that Poe felt go through his body was one he had never felt before. Fumbling a little to get the ring off of his chain and put it on your finger but you stop him, and the hurt and pain in his eyes caused you to elaborate more on what you meant.

“I mean not right now. I want to receive this ring at out ceremony, just hold on a little bit long because I will be expecting that ring to be on my finger very very soon.”

Pure joy goes through Poe’s body from head to toe and he was smiling so hard that his cheeks were hurting. And he did something that he has been wanting to do since he laid eyes on you. Faster than you can comprehend he stands up from his chair and smashes his lips onto yours. Catching you off guard but you quickly recover, melting into the most explosive and head spinning kiss you’ve ever had, no scratch that you’ve never had a kiss like this before. It’s a good thing you’re already laying down in the bed because if you weren’t you were sure your knees would have gave out on you. You both pulled away after a few more quick pecks, and just sat there holding hands, staring at each other. Talking wasn’t needed to know what the other was thinking. Both of you wondering how did you get so lucky.

————————————————————

A/n: Running on a couple hours of sleep from last night. But I can’t believe I got this done in only a few hours. Would’ve been a lot sooner if tumblr didn’t erase the whole ending so I had to rewrite what I remembered. Which I am not completely satisfied with because I liked the original ending a lot better than this even though similar. Curse tumblr and my foggy brain I should sleep but that’s most likely not gonna happen anytime soon.

@theidiotsincontrol @book-place

[kingofthering]

you've heard of shotgunning Rosquez and VR46 Marc? you can now have both

Marc crashes in Japan [yes it pains me to write this after the actual race we had but I need this timeline wise] and it's not gonna cost him Indonesia but it does damage his previously injured hand a litte.

A couple of days after Marc has come back to Madrid, Valentino appears at his front door. He says "I had stuff to do around and I thought I could check up on you" and there are a lot of things going on in Marc's mind when he hears those words but he's too tired to call Valentino out on something he doesn't even understand, so, he just lets Vale in.

When they move to the living room, Valentino finds out about the football game Marc was watching and he apologizes for interrupting him and they end up watching the end of the game together. [And there is Valentino with a smile on his face every time he watches Marc react in Marc fashion to one of the Barça actions, but we don't talk about that.]

After the final whistle, Marc says, "You really didn't have to come, I'm fine."

Valentino looks at the way Marc is flexing his hand -he promises it's more out of habit than anything-, tilts his head to the side, considering him. "Are you on any meds right now?"

Marc shakes his head. "Finished the anti-inflammatories this morning, didn't feel like taking pain medication tonight."

Valentino nods and grabs the jacket he had discarded earlier next to him, pulling a small box out of one of his pockets.

Marc can't say he expected the joint and the lighter that Valentino pulls up in front of him. "Do you mind?"

It's not an offer, not quite. Marc shakes his head again. Valentino gets up to open the large window to their right. When he sits back down, he's much closer to Marc than he was during the game, maybe a meter of space between them.

Valentino lights up his joint and Marc watches the line of his throat as he leans back to blow a heavy cloud of smoke over himself.

"Did you really roll this before coming here? Can you even roll? Don't tell me Uccio did this for you."

That makes Valentino laugh in the middle of a puff and he starts coughing, his voice all fucked up when he says, "Yes, Marc, I can roll. I've been a teenager with time to kill. You can't really use the bike to keep busy at night, so."

Marc's mind is immediately assaulted with the image of young Vale -blue haired Vale or longer hair Vale (he doesn't know which version is the more damaging for his brain right now)- using a grinder with a focused face and licking rolling paper with his tongue.

"It's not like you haven't seen me smoke before," Valentino comments when Marc is fully blanking out on an answer there.

Marc watches as Valentino grabs the now empty beer that he'd grabbed for him earlier during the game and uses it as an ashtray to discard the ashes building at the end of the stick.

"Yeah, I know, I do remember [name of the city that I have to decide at some point]."

"You do?" Valentino's eyebrows go up a little and Marc wants to pull them back down. Don't act surprised, fucker. "I almost thought you didn't considering you never mentionned it again."

Valentino has a smirk proudly sitting on his face. Marc feels hot. The smoke must be getting to him.

Eventually, Valentino takes pity on him and he says, "It's fine," with a smile and yeah, fine, Marc will be even finer if they don't mention that night again, he already had too much trouble trying to stop thinking about it the first time around.

"You've never taken a puff on your own, have you?" Valentino asks when they've both been half watching TV, half smoking (Valentino) or half pretending they're not watching Valentino's face when he pulls on the joint (Marc).

"I think you already know the answer here," Marc chuckles. "Not really interested in trying, don't think I'm ready to cough a lung on you just yet."

He's also fairly sure it would hit him harder than someone else blowing already inhaled smoke back into his mouth. He's been severely drunk around Valentino but high? He's not sure alone with Valentino is the smartest context for that.

Valentino laughs but it's not mocking so Marc can't have said something that silly. He feels observed for a moment, Valentino considering him, and then— "Do you want a shotgun again?"

Marc's survival instinct should probably have him say no.

[Something something about how the last couple of months have him gain trust in Valentino again, Marc thinking about some memories, etc etc. And as things stand, he nods.]

Valentino scoots himself closer and places his left hand on Marc’s neck, thumb at the hinge of his jaw. He almost expects Valentino’s fingers to move -squeeze, rub, pinch; whichever- but they don’t. Marc shivers anyway.

I can stay still on my own, he doesn’t voice outloud.

I trust you, he doesn’t say either.

Marc watches Valentino pull on the joint and he closes his eyes, waits for the impact like he’s just been thrown off his bike from a highside.

He's more ready than the last time and it might have been a decade but Marc's a good student. He opens his mouth when Valentino's lips touch his and he takes a sharp breath in, manages to hold it in for a hot second before he exhales, only coughing once despite the burn in his throat.

When Marc opens his eyes, he finds out that Valentino hasn't moved. He's still close to him, bright blue eyes even more dizzying than they usually already are.

Maybe Marc will blame the drug that has barely been processed by his body at that point. As it is, Valentino’s mouth is right there and Marc has to chase it.

He’s a little too brutal with it, too eager maybe, and their teeth click for a second. Valentino does apply pressure on his neck, then. Marc readjusts.

The next press of his lips to Valentino’s is gentler but still hungry, Marc pushing and Valentino keeping him steady.

[Some more kissing and Marc freezing when they both break apart to take a breath and he realizes what he's been doing.]

"I'm sorry," Marc says while feeling the most mortified he's ever been.

"No you’re fine, don't worry." Valentino tries to reach for his wrist. Marc draws back like he’s been burnt.

"I wasn’t thinking," Marc says, his eyes struggling to find a place to look at. On TV, journalists are still analyzing the game.

"Weed will do that to you," Valentino comments in the most matter-of-factly voice possible. It sounds odd. Marc doesn’t know how to read it.

"Look, is it really a shotgunning session with your friends if you don’t make out with them a little?" Valentino asks. His tone is awkward and Marc’s face is on fire and they still can’t meet each other’s eyes. "I can even make a list of the people this has happened with, if that can make you feel better."

Imagining Valentino kissing other people is the last thing Marc wants to do, what in the actual fuck. He can’t be hallucinating, can he?

"Maybe I should go," Valentino eventually says when Marc’s brain refuses to come back with anything for a long moment. "I have an early plane tomorrow and you need to rest."

"Right."

Valentino grabs his abandoned bottle of beer when he gets up and disappear in the kitchen with in, to dispose of it despite not knowing where the glass trash bin is, Marc assumes.

He closes the open window and stands behind Marc, forcing him to crane his neck around from where he still hasn't left the couch.

"Take care," Valentino says. Marc sees his right hand move, almost expects Valentino to squeeze his shoulder or ruffle his curls, which— silly.

Marc’s heart is still going haywire by the time Valentino has closed his front door. His pulse is throbbing in his hand.

It hurts.

[tightjeansjavi]

Burning in a Hopeless Dream

Part 16

“Four Hands Bloodied”

Joel Miller x f! o/c

gif by @riley-keoughs

A/N: the time has finally come for me to put this chapter out there. I took a break from Gwen and Joel after chapter 15 because it took a lot out of me to write it. This chapter actually might hurt more than the last and like I have said before, it doesn’t get any better from here. This entire chapter is all angst so if that isn’t your thing, please don’t read it. Thank you for being patient with me. ♡

~word count: 9.0k~

Summary: after Tess’s death, you, Joel, and Ellie make the trek to Bill and Franks.

Warnings: age gap, (o/c is in her early 30’s and Joel is in his 50’s) established relationship, angst, trauma, regret, guilt, anger, resentment, heartbreak, arguments, depictions of a panic attack, going into shock, two character deaths, (Bill and Frank’s suicide) PTSD, triggering themes that may be disturbing for some viewers. Implicit smut, no description as it’s all about Joel and Gwen’s feelings in the moment, brief mentions of alcohol, unprotected piv, emotions, cock warming but in the sense that they physically do not want to be apart from one another, sad sex is the easiest way to describe it. Some might find their coping mechanisms to be toxic, (+18) minors dni!

Songs for this chapter:

“Favorite Crime” by Olivia Rodrigo

“Long Long Time” by Linda Rondstadt

“take a moment to breathe” by normal the kid

“Eavesdrop” by The Civil Wars

“Same Old Same Old” by The Civil Wars

“White Lie” by the Civil Wars

“Flicker” by Niall Horan

“Wait” by M83

“On The Nature of Daylight” by Max Richter

“I Can’t Go On Without You” by KALEO

10 miles outside of the Boston QZ

The only visible light source was the oil lamp that sat between yours and Ellie’s sleeping bags. You had unwrapped the cloth from the teens arm before gently cleaning it with a rag doused in rubbing alcohol. Ellie didn’t even flinch as the chemical burned the fresh bite mark on her forearm. You were silent as you gently cleaned the wound. Your mind had completely gone numb. You had entirely shut down sans your aching heart. It ached for Tess. It ached for Bea. It ached for Ellie and it ached for Joel. That was the dangerous thing about loving someone. There would always be an inevitable pain that followed.

“Can you tell me about Bill and Frank?” Ellie had spoken through the thick silence. The soft glow from the oil lamp was casted on both yours and Ellie’s face.

“They’re our long time friends. Well, Joel and…Tess knew them longer than I have. Bill is the ultimate survivalist. He turned his mom’s house into an apocalypse bunker. He’s got security cameras, booby traps, and a giant steel fence that surrounds the town and his property. Bill and Frank are lovers, the unlikely kind. They’re pretty much the polar opposites of each other.” You spoke softly as you grabbed a fresh bandage from your backpack and gently wrapped Ellie’s arm.

“Bill sounds like a fucking badass. How did they end up meeting and falling in love?” Ellie asked, curiosity laced in her tone.

“Oh, he’s a badass alright. Huge grump as well but he reminds me of—” You paused, letting out a sigh as you gathered up your med supplies and tucked them back into your bag. “Frank fell into one of Bill’s many booby traps and the rest is history.”

Ellie could sense your discomfort as she quietly thanked you for tending to her arm. “Are you..okay? I know that’s a silly question to ask considering what happened, but..we can talk about it if you want?”

You dodged her question like it was the fucking plague. “Do you wanna see a picture of them? Well, all of us together actually. It was taken a couple summers ago.” You reached into your backpack once more, searching around till you found the Polaroid photo with the time stamp, June 21st, 2021

The edges of the photo were a bit worn but the colors stayed true. You could taste the warm summer breeze on your tongue. Joel’s laughter and Bill’s grumbling as Frank insisted on taking the photo. “So that pretty little thing is Tess’s girlfriend, Bea. She’s a spitfire. Then those two handsome chaps are Bill and Frank.” You pointed to the two older gentlemen. Frank was beaming in the photo while his lover looked as grumpy as ever.

The photo was taken midway through a game of monopoly. You were all huddled close around the table. The only person who wasn’t focused on the camera was your Joel. He was too busy looking at you.

Your fingers were trembling as you held the photo under the warm glow of the oil lamp. Your lower lip wobbled, but you refused to cry. You had shed more than enough tears that day and your body was spent.

“Gwen..” Ellie whispered, reaching out and gently placing her hand over your trembling one.

“Ellie, please. I can’t talk about this. I’m sorry.” You shakily whispered as you looked up at the teen with glassy eyes.

“Well, it’s a beautiful photo. You all look super happy in it. Well, except for Bill. He looks like one grumpy ass motherfucker. Must have been a fun day, huh?” Ellie spoke softly as she didn’t want to upset you anymore than you already were.

“Oh, it was a super fun day. The happiest that any of us ever were. It was like..this moment outside of reality, where the apocalypse didn’t exist, and we were all just living our lives.”

“That’s beautiful.”

The top of the oil lamp made a low hissing sound from a stray raindrop that had landed on the warm metal. Soft patter of raindrops began to fall between the gaps in the trees. One had landed on Ellie’s nose and she let out a soft sound of annoyance, scrunching her nose up from the intrusion before she threw the hood of her jacket over her head.

“Listen, Ellie. I know why you stood up for me earlier, but..don’t feel like you need to do that alright? Especially when Joel—”

Ellie shook her head as she stuffed her hands into her jacket pockets to keep them warm. “Gwen, I wasn’t just gonna sit there and let him talk to you like that. He was just fucking beating on you the whole time. That wasn’t okay. You know that right?”

You let out a sigh, rubbing your fingers against your temples before you glanced over your shoulder. At the far edge of the camp, you could barely make out Joel’s form laying on his sleeping bag. His back was facing you and he had his gun clutched tightly to his chest.

“I know it wasn’t okay what he did. Look, I just don’t want him thinking that just because he’s going through something, that he just gets to take it out on you now too. I know how to handle him, and I promise you, he won’t ever speak to you that way again. Not while I’m still breathing.”

Ellie nodded as she tucked herself into her sleeping bag and used the light from the oil lamp to read her shitty puns book titled, No Pun Intended: Volume Too

At the far end of the makeshift campsite, Joel was lying on his side. His back was facing you and Ellie far in the distance. He was clutching his rifle to his chest, finger hovering the trigger. It had been hours since Tess had died. Hours since he said the unforgivable to you. Hours since his entire fucking world was turned upside down. He felt lost. Hopeless. Broken. Out of ideas. Most importantly, he was angry at himself. Furious for allowing himself to treat you so cruelly. He knew that apologizing to you would leave him fruitless. His words would mean nothing to you because the damage was already inflicted. Part of him was surprised that you hadn’t left. He couldn’t blame you if you did end up leaving. If he put himself in your shoes, he would be doing the same thing. So what does a man such as himself do now? How does one move forward? How does one forgive themselves for inflicting cruelty on the ones they love the most?

Joel felt the tears prick the corner of his eyes as he quickly blinked them away. He didn’t deserve to cry. Not after what he had done. His heart clenched in on itself when he pictured the way your face fell. The tears streaming down your cheeks. The pain swirling behind your warm irises as you shakily held the barrel of your gun deep into the cavern of his chest.

Joel squeezed his eyes shut tight. Wishing that the images would dissipate from his broken mind. He couldn’t stand it. Knowing that you were yards away from him, hurting and he couldn’t do a goddamn thing to fix it.

Pathetic.

He listened to the whistling of the wind twisting through the trees above. The leaves fluttered. The crickets and forest life sang their songs, but Joel’s mind did not stop reeling. He forced himself to try and get some form of sleep. Even if it was just 20 minutes. Despite everything that happened, he would be damned if he wasn’t alert enough to keep you and Ellie safe through the night.

Just as his mind began to relax and the overall exhaustion had his eyes drooping, he heard a voice whispering through the trees. His ears began to ring and his mind felt fuzzy. The sounds of the forest were muffled by the ringing in his ears. Then, everything went silent. A brief moment of relief, and then he heard her voice again.

Sarah.

Dad. What happened? Dad..I'm sorry about Tess. She’s sorry things ended the way they did. Dad, I know you’re hurting. I know you’re angry, but you hurt Gwen so bad. Why did you do that?

Joel felt the guilt swirl deep in his gut. He was conscious enough to know that he really wasn’t hearing his dead daughter's voice. It was just his mind playing tricks on him. She wasn’t really speaking to him but god, did it fucking hurt to hear his baby girl disappointed in him.

“I’m so sorry baby girl. I know I shouldn’t have treated her that way. I was just so upset, and angry at myself for not bein’ able to protect Tess. I failed her and I know Gwen was only tryin’ to comfort me. I needed her and I pushed her away. I’m so sorry.”

You need her more than ever now. You can’t lose her. Promise me you won’t lose her Dad. You have to show her that you’re better than that. Please. I love you, and I know you’ll do the right thing.

“I promise you that I won’t lose her. I can’t lose her. I love you, and I miss you so fucking much baby girl. Daddy loves you so much.” Joel whispered through the darkness.

I love you.

Joel felt his body cave in on itself, silent sobs wrecked through him as he trembled along the sleeping bag. His grip around the rifle tightened as he tried to bring himself back down to earth. It was too much. Everything was too fucking much. He wished that you were there, holding him, singing to him, comforting him. He desperately yearned for your warm embrace, despite being aware that he didn’t deserve it. Sarah was right, Joel needed you more than ever now.

“Hey kiddo? Try and get some sleep, okay? I’m going to take the first watch. We’re gonna be on the road early tomorrow morning. I promise I'll keep you safe Ellie. No matter what.” You were slowly rising from the forest floor with your gun tucked safely in the holster around your hips.

The teenager looked up at you from her puns book as she slowly nodded. Her eyes were searching yours. You could tell she was looking for comfort, for reassurance that everything was going to be okay. “Thank you, Gwen.” She whispered.

You gave her a small reassuring nod before you stepped over your sleeping bag. You didn’t want to speak to Joel at all. You would have much rather avoided it at all costs. You promised this kid that you would keep her safe and in order to do that, you’d have to bury your hurt feelings, and ego for her sake.

Your approach was quiet, and you could already feel the tears pricking your eyes as you drew near his broad frame curled up on his sleeping bag. You swallowed the lump growing in your throat as you stood over him.

“Joel.”

You heard him take a shuddered inhale as he turned his head over his shoulder, looking up at you. Even in the darkness, you could see the glassy look in his deep pools of brown. Your heart tugged in your chest towards him, but you refused to give in.

“Gwen.” Was all he could muster out.

“I’m taking the first watch. Get some sleep and I'll wake you up when it’s your turn.” You averted making eye contact with him at all and looked off to the side.

“Are you sure?..I can take the first watch—” you cut him off before he could continue.

“No, Joel. It’s fine. Just get some sleep.” You were already turning on your heel to walk away when you felt his warm palm encage around your wrist, ceasing your movements.

“Gwen, I know that you’re upset, you have every right to be—”

“Fucking let go of my wrist right now Joel. Let go of me.” You hissed under your breath as you moved to tug your wrist from his grasp.

“Gwen, please. I can’t—” he pleaded with you.

“Can’t what? Can’t lose me? You can’t lose something that was never yours Joel.” The words rolled bitterly off your tongue. You couldn’t help it. He had hurt you so bad and all you could do was lash out.

“Don’t go fuckin’ sayin’ somethin’ like that when you know it ain’t true.” He harshly whispered, feeling his own bitterness begin to seep through his already broken heart.

“It’s not true? What makes it not true? If you know what’s good for you, you’ll let me go right fucking now.”

“It ain’t true because I know you’re angry, you’re upset, and you’re hurt, but you don’t actually feel that way..you don’t. I know you don’t.” His grip loosened just enough for you to pull your wrist free.

“Don’t you dare fucking tell me how I feel, Joel. Don’t you dare.” You were seething at this point, blinking away the tears that were threatening to spill over. You gave him one last harsh look before you were quickly retreating from him.

Joel let his hand drop to the forest floor, gripping the grass between his fingers. He tore up grass and dirt beneath his palms. His fingernails caked in dirt as he tore up more of the grassy earth. He watched you walk away from him and did nothing about it. You needed more time, that was all. He tried to convince himself that you’d forgive him eventually. That you still loved him. He knew he was being selfish for allowing his thoughts to focus on your feelings towards him. Had he really learned nothing?

Of course you still loved him. Of course you fucking did and the worst part? There was nothing you could do to stop it. Joel was far too deeply entangled in your soul for you to not love him. You were doing this for Ellie. You weren’t doing this for him, or yourself, you were doing this for the 14 year old girl that wasn’t even sure if she would live to see another day.

It was sometime in the middle of the night when you had gone to wake up Joel so he could take the second watch. You kicked his boot hard with your own, startling him awake but you didn’t care. As soon as he was sitting up with his rifle at the ready, you were already walking back to your sleeping bag and climbing into its confines.

Joel had let out a grumble sigh as he slowly rose from his sleeping bag. He reloaded his rifle effortlessly before he was quietly walking past yours and Ellie’s sleeping bags. He stopped briefly as he glanced down at your curled up form under the confines of the sleeping bag. He let his eyes gaze over to Ellie’s before he walked away. He was standing close enough to both of your sleeping bags to shield you if needed. Now that he was forced awake, his mind had the free rein to tear him up even more than he had already felt.

Ellie was the first to wake up while Joel was still on watch. She slowly sat up from the warm confines of her sleeping bag. She hadn’t noticed Joel at first as she was still in a sleepy state and her body was still waking up. She rubbed the eye crusties away with a yawn as she stretched her arms above her head. There was a slight chill in the fresh morning air and she was immediately reaching for her jacket to block out the chill. She zoned in on the sound of a twig snapping and her head snapped towards where the noise was emitting from. She let out a visible sigh of relief when she realized it was just Joel. “Morning.” She mumbled quietly as she stood up.

Joel let out a deep sigh, his jaw clenching as he looked over at the teenager. “Mornin.’” He mumbled back.

Ellie hesitantly walked towards him as she slipped her jacket on and shoved her hands in the worn pockets for extra warmth. She glanced towards your sleeping bag where you were still fast asleep. “Should we wake her up?”

“No.” He shook his head. “She’s been through enough. We’ll just let her sleep a little longer. It’s the least I can do for her. Are..you hungry?”

Ellie was tugging on a loose thread inside her jacket pocket absentmindedly. She looked over at Joel and gave him a slight nod. “Yeah, I am.”

Joel reached into his own jacket pocket and pulled out the last ration of his jerky and held it out to her. “Here. You can have what’s left of mine.” This was his own way of extending the figurative olive branch to her.

Ellie looked at Joel wearily. She wasn’t necessarily his biggest fan at the moment but would hating this man she barely knew, really do any good? You and Joel were the only sense of security she had now. She trusted you, but Joel? Not nearly as much. Nonetheless, she reached her hand out and grabbed the wrapped jerky. “Thanks.”

“No problem.”

Joel knew he was going to have to say more than that to get through to Ellie. He was going to have to try a lot harder than that.

“Listen..” He hesitated. “I know that yesterday was a lot. I know you were only tryin’ to help and stick up for Gwen, and i’m sorry for the way that I spoke to ya. You’re just a kid, and I shouldn’t have said the things I did Ellie.”

Ellie had torn off a small piece of jerky before quietly chewing it. She refused to make eye contact with him and reverted to staring off in the distance. “I don’t believe you.”

When Joel didn’t respond, Ellie took this opportunity to tell him how she really felt. “Look, I'm sorry that Tess died. I’m sorry that you weren’t able to protect her. I’m sure you wanted to throw the blame on me, right? You needed a truck battery and no one made you take me. You made the choice, but that doesn’t mean you get to blame me, or Gwen for the outcome of your choice. So don’t stand there and fucking sugar coat anything to me Joel.”

Joel was not expecting this kind of response from Ellie at all but he knew she was right. He couldn’t blame her or you for what happened to Tess. No one deserved to take the blame for her death. He knew he shouldn’t blame himself either, but he did. He was still angry at himself for not being able to do more.

“You’re right. I don’t get to blame you or Gwen for my choices. Neither of you are to blame for Tess’s death. Look, all I'm askin’ is that you try and look past all that. Gwen and I can keep you safe, but it ain’t gonna work if we’re not all on the same page. You get what I'm sayin’?”

Ellie snorted under her breath at his response. “Sure. Right. Well, I don’t really have much of a choice now do I? I’m unfortunately stuck with you. Good luck getting her back man. Pretty sure its gonna take a fuckin’ miracle for her to ever forgive you.”

“Will you help me?”

“Why the hell would I do that?” Ellie quipped back.

“Cause if you wanna stay alive, and make it to the fireflies, you’re gonna need both of us to get you there.”

Ellie thought for a moment on her follow up answer. She could have the upperhand on this situation if she really wanted to.

“Fine. My one condition is that I get a gun too.”

Joel scoffed at her request and immediately shook his head. “Absolutely fuckin’ not. I ain’t givin’ a 14 year old a gun.”

Ellie shrugged with a faux sigh of disappointment. “Well, guess we don’t have a deal.”

“I’ll teach you to shoot, but you ain’t gettin’ a gun, kid.”

“Deal.” Ellie said with a small grin on her face.

You had awoken from your dreamless slumber shortly after Joel and Ellie had come to their own agreement. You were already rolling up your sleeping bag, and packing your bag. You had said good morning to Ellie, but the only acknowledgment you gave to Joel’s existence was a slight nod of your head in his direction. At least soon you would be reunited with Frank, and one of his warm bear hugs. You couldn’t wait to see him, and well..Bill too of course.

The sun was high in the sky now as the three of you walked a route that was familiar to you and Joel. You and Ellie had taken a couple detours to rescue a few butterflies. Joel couldn’t help but watch you as you carefully guided a monarch butterfly onto your finger, and placed it on a nearby milkweed plant. He saw the softness in your face, and the lightness in your eyes for a brief moment before it was gone again.

The next critters you and Ellie found were two garden snakes. Neither one of you were fearful of the creatures as you gently picked the snake up. The creature wrapped itself around your wrist lightly as you lightly stroked the top of its small scaly head. It was a nice moment that you and the teenager were able to share together. You both set the snakes down in a grassy patch and watched them slither away.

Joel took no part in any of it, but you could feel his gaze burning into the side of your face constantly.

You were telling Ellie more stories of Bill and Frank as the hike continued. Joel had found himself stopped in his tracks when he saw a purple butterfly land along your shoulder. Its wings slowly opened as it was soaking in the warmth of the sunlight. You hadn’t noticed the delicate creature using your shoulder as a perch to sunbathe on. Joel remembered the first time you and him saw a purple butterfly land on his nose two summers ago at Bill and Franks. He immediately knew it was his daughter then, and his daughter now.

His eyes stayed locked on the delicate creature as he walked close behind you. The butterfly stayed on your shoulder for a few minutes longer before fluttering away. His eyes followed the creature till he could see it no more.

“How’d you get that scar on your head?” Ellie asked, tearing him from his thoughts suddenly.

When he didn’t immediately respond, Ellie kept pressing.

“What? Is it something lame? Like you fell down the stairs or something?” She couldn’t help but be a little curious.

“I didn’t fall down any stairs, kid.”

“Okay..so what happened then?”

“Someone shot at me and missed.” He grumbled.

“See, that’s so fuckin’ cool. You shoot back?” Ellie was looking up at him now.

“Yeah.”

“Wicked. You get him?”

“No. I missed, too. It happens more often than you think.” Joel’s eyes locked on yours momentarily as you glanced over your shoulder at the pair. His and your expressions were unreadable.

“‘Cause you suck at shooting or, like in general you mean?”

“In general.” His response was gruff and he hoped to god she didn’t ask him anything else about it.

As soon as he saw her opening her mouth again, he cut her off before she could ask him another question.

“You ask a lot of goddamn questions, you know that kid?”

“Yes, I do.” Ellie responded with a cheshire cat grin.

The three of you stopped at Cumberland Farms. It was the gas station that you, Joel, and Tess would stash ammo and supplies when you were short on gear.

Ellie immediately zoned in on an old arcade game that was covered in dust in debris. She had a childlike excitement in her eyes as she started pressing all the buttons. “No way! You ever play this one? I had a friend who knew everything about this game. There’s this one character named Mileena who takes off her mask and she has monster teeth, and then she swallows you whole and barfs out your bones!” It was clear to you that the teenager was reliving a fond memory just based on her excitement. It was nice to see that the apocalypse hadn’t killed her spirit entirely.

“Ah. Oh, man. You forgot where you put your stuff.” Ellie spoke observantly as Joel was looking for the loose floorboard where the extra ammo was stashed.

“What? No. I’m just zeroin’ in on it is all. It’s been a couple years.” He grumbled.

“He doesn’t remember.” You whispered to the teenager before walking down the aisle where you knew the ammo was stashed. You had to kick some debris and other crap off of it before you got down on your knees and started to lift the floorboards. Joel had come alongside you, crouching besides you as he helped you lift the boards. Your hands brushed momentarily but you ignored him entirely as you pulled out a couple guns, packs of food, and bullet cartridges.

“Okay, well, i’m gonna take a look around, see if there’s anything good.” Ellie’s voice was distant as she was already walking towards the back of the store.

“Trust me, it’s all been picked over already.” Joel responded as he grabbed the carton of bullet cartridges from you to reload his gun.

“Maaaybe, Maybe not. Is there anything bad in here?” Ellie asked.

“Just you.” He gruffly spoke.

“Ah. Getting funnier.” You already picture Ellie’s little grin as you were reloading your own gun.

“Are you going to talk to me at all?” Joel was looking at you now. He was trying to gauge exactly where your head was at that moment and you knew it.

“There’s nothing to talk about, Joel.” You finished loading your gun before grabbing the bags of canned food and stuffed it into your backpack.

“Bullshit.”

“Can you just respect the fact that I don’t want to fucking talk to you? Stop trying to pressure me. If I wanted to talk to you then I would, but I don’t. So leave me alone.” You lowly whispered as you stood up.

“You can’t push me away forever. We have to talk eventually, Gwen.”

“I sure as hell can fucking try and push you away for as long as I see fit.” You zipped up your bag in a haste, swinging it over your shoulder.

Neither of you could hear Ellie at this point as you were both too caught up in your own emotions.

“Ellie?”

No response.

You and Joel both had your guns at the ready as you walked towards the back of the store.

“Ellie?” You and Joel called her name again. She was only gone for a few minutes. What the hell could have happened in that amount of time.

“Picked over, my ass.” The teen gleefully was holding up a box of tampons in her hand as you turned the corner.

“Don’t go fuckin’ scarin’ us like that.” Joel had lowered his gun at his side.

“Yeah, okay. Sorry.” She mumbled sheepishly.

After reloading on ammo, the three of you were back on the trail. You knew that you were nearing Bill and Franks based on the scenery. The plane wreck up along the farside of the hill, and the graves that lay ahead.

“Holy shit. You fly in one of those before Joel?” Ellie asked.

Joel glanced towards the wreckage he had seen about a dozen or so times now. “Yeah, a few times, sure. It ain’t all cracked up to what you think it is. Gettin’ shoved in a middle seat, next to either some stuffy guy, or an annoyin’ kid. Pay 12 bucks for a damn sandwich.”

“Dude, you got to go up in the sky!”

Joel sighed, adjusting the strap of his rifle on his shoulder. “Yeah, well, so did they.” He grimly responded.

“So, everything came crashing down in one day?” She was still looking towards the plane wreck. It was hard for her to look away. So many lives on that singular plane were lost. It was haunting to think about.

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“Okay..but how? I mean…no one was infected with the Cordyceps, everybody’s fine, eating in restaurants and flying in planes. Then, all at once? How the hell did it even start? Cause if you have to be bit to get infected, who bit the first person? Was it a monkey? I bet it was a monkey.”

Joel scoffed under his breath, shaking his head slightly in her direction. “It wasn’t a monkey. Didn’t you go to school? I’d think they would explain this shit to you.”

“FEDRA school. They didn’t teach us shit on how their shitty government failed to prevent a pandemic.”

Joel took a deep breath, a shaky inhale. He really did not want to be having this conversation right now, but he couldn’t fault Ellie on her natural curiosity. She was just a kid after all.

“Well, no one really knows for sure, but, best guess I got..Cordyceps mutated. Thinkin’ some of it got into the food supply. Probably a basic ingredient that everyone uses. Like flour, or sugar. There were certain brands of food that were sold everywhere, all across the country, across the world. Bread, cereal…pancake mix. So, you eat enough of it, it’ll get you infected. So the tainted food hits all the store shelves around the same time, Thursday. People bought it, ate some Thursday night, or Friday morning. Day goes on..they started gettin’ sick. By the afternoon, evenin’, they got worse. Then they started bitin’. Friday night, September 26, 2003. By Monday, everything was gone.

Silence fell between Joel and Ellie, and you could tell that Joel’s mind was reeling now. You weren’t looking back at him, but you just had a feeling that he was picking at his cuticles to distract himself. You weren’t there to hold his hand.

Once you were nearing the gravesite, Joel had gently grabbed Ellie’s forearm to hold her back. “Hang on just a minute, kid. I don’t want you goin’ up there. We’re gonna cut through the woods.”

Ellie looked up at him before her gaze fell on you. “Wait, isn’t the road easier?”

“Yeah, it’s just…There’s stuff up there that you shouldn’t see.” Joel was honest. He remembered the first time you saw the gravesite. Your reaction was the same as Tess’s but it hurt him 10x more to see you sob for the innocent lives taken.

“Well, now I have to see. It can’t be that bad, right?”

“Ellie. I don’t want you too. I’m tryin’ to protect you. I’m serious.” Joel was stern with his tone. He really did not want her seeing those kinds of horrors.

“Can it hurt me?”

“No. That ain’t the point though. I don’t want you seein’ it.” He let out a defeated sigh when the teen had slipped her wrist from his grasp and was already walking ahead.

“You’re too honest, man. Should’ve said it was an axe murderer or something. Michael Meyers, Freddy Krueger, Jason. That would have scared me, maybe.” She had come to a sudden stop when she stumbled upon the gravesite. “Uh…whatever it was…think it’s gone.” She looked over her shoulder at you and Joel.

“About a week after Outbreak Day, soldiers…went through the countryside, evacuated the small towns. Said you were goin’ to a QZ, and you were…if there was room. If there wasn’t…”

You were standing alongside him now, fingers twitching at your side. It was taking all the willpower you had left to not reach out and grab his hand.

“These people weren’t sick?”

“No, probably not.” Joel turned his head slightly to look at you. His eyes casted down to your hand, he watched your fingers twitch and he ever so slightly extended his hand towards you hesitantly.

“Why kill them? Why didn’t they just leave ‘em be?” Ellie looked between the two of you.

You finally met his gaze when he had outstretched his hand in your direction. Your hand did not move towards him. It stayed planted to your side.

“Dead people can’t be infected.” Joel somberly responded.

It was late afternoon when the three of you arrived at Bill and Frank's compound. Joel typed the code into the keypad and watched the metal fence creak open. As you neared their quaint home, you immediately sensed something was wrong. The flowers in the front of the white picket fence were wilted, dried up, dead. Frank never let his flowers wilt. He never would abandon them. He loved each and every one of his plants–oh god.

Joel was already reaching for your arm on instinct to hold you back. He knew whatever laid behind that door was not good. He wanted to protect you from it, shield you from the truth that laid within. He couldn’t because you were too quick, too determined as you slipped your wrist out of his grasp and ran up the steps. Your gun was drawn as you pushed open the door quietly.

“Bill?..”

“Frank?..”

“Oh god, please. No. No. No. Bill?! Frank?!” You observed the front entryway that you had passed through so many times. You saw the flies buzzing on the dining room table. There were two plates of rotting food. For how long? You were unsure, but based on the flies, it had to have been days, weeks even.

They could not be dead. Not your Frank. He was not dead. You desperately tried to convince yourself as you frantically called their names, over and over again.

“BILL?!

“FRANK?!” Your voice cracked as you neared their bedroom door, your hand was grasped around the handle but before you could push open the door, Joel was grabbing you, his arms were around your waist protectively and that's all you needed to finally break down and sob. They were dead. Your friends were fucking dead behind that door.

“GET THE FUCK OFF ME! GET OFF OF ME JOEL!” You let out a wail as you turned around in his arms and frantically pushed and punched his chest. “GET OFF OF ME!”

Joel felt his heart twist painfully in his chest as you fought against him. He was holding himself together as best as he could as you cried for your dead friends. “Gwen. Gwen. Baby, please please please stop fighting me. Please! I’m so sorry–”

You broke free of his loose grip as you collapsed down to your knees. Your own arms wrapped around your shaking frame as you let out heavy, heart wrenching sobs. Your vision was blurred by salty tears as you completely caved in on yourself.

Joel was frozen on the spot, his expression stoic, and unreadable. He didn’t know what the fuck to do. What could he do? Bill and Frank were dead. They were dead and he couldn’t comfort you the way he so desperately wanted.

Ellie had watched the whole thing go down from the open doorway. She brought her hand up to her face when she watched you collapse to the floor in a heap of sobs. She pushed herself past Joel before sinking down to her own knees. Suddenly, her arms were around you, she was hugging you tightly, doing her best to try and comfort you.

You only sobbed harder. A bone chilling wail slipped past your cracked lips as you struggled to breathe. Your senses were on overdrive. You were panicking, and Joel recognized it immediately. He was gently grasping Ellie’s shoulders in his trembling palms. “Ellie, move. Please. She needs room to breathe.” He spoke gently to her, easing the teen up from the floor before he sank down to his knees in front of you.

You vaguely could feel his rough palms grasping your tear stained cheeks in a feather light hold. Your ears were ringing, lungs on fire. Joel’s voice sounded muffled and far away. Your head felt dizzy, you swore you were seeing stars behind your eyes as the color drained from your face completely. You had gone sheet white, like a ghost. Heart thrumming rapidly against your ribcage.

“Gwen? Hey..baby. Listen to me, alright? I need you to take some deep breaths for me okay? Deep breaths. Ready? I’ll do them with you.” His tone was soft, tender, and reassuring.

Joel took a deep lungful of air, his eyes never leaving yours as you followed with a deep shaky inhale. You did this a few more times together, and he watched in relief when the color slowly returned to your face.

As soon as you were in a conscious state, you were pushing him away again, far away as your body trembled from shock.

Ellie was close by. She was holding a piece of paper between her fingers. A letter from Bill.

“Read it, Please Ellie.” You whispered.

“Read it.” Joel gave her a small nod of encouragement as he rose to his feet.

August 29th, 2023

“To whomever…but probably Joel.. If you find this…please do not come into the bedroom. We left a window open so the house wouldn’t smell, but it would probably be a sight. I’m guessing you found this, Joel, because anyone else would’ve been electrocuted or blown up by one of my traps. Hehehehehehehehe. Take anything you need. The bunker code is the same as the gate code but in reverse. Anyway…I never liked you, but still, it’s like we’re friends…almost. And I respect you. So, I'm gonna tell you something because you’re probably the only person who will understand. I used to hate the world, and I was happy when everyone died. But I was wrong because there was one person worth saving. That’s what I did. I saved him. Then I protected him. That’s why men like you and me are here. We have a job to do. And God help any motherfuckers who stand in our way. I leave you all my weapons and equipment. Use them to keep…Gwen safe, until such time as you and she decide you’ve had enough. At that point, I recommend pairing 40 Vicodins with a nice Brunello.”

Bill

Suicide.

Bill and Frank died together. In one another’s arms. A poetic death for two people who found love in the apocalypse.

Joel had grabbed the letter from her and quietly folded it up before slipping it into his pocket. He wanted to mourn the death of his friends but now was not the time. He had a job to do, like Bill had said. He had to protect you, and Ellie. That was his sole purpose, and he would be damned if he didn’t follow through with it. “Show me your arm.” He plainly requested.

Ellie looked confused momentarily before she slowly rolled up her sleeve. The bite mark on her arm hadn’t gotten worse.

“I’ve… got a brother out in Wyoming. He’s in some kind of trouble. That’s why I needed the truck battery so desperately. I gotta go out there and find him. He used to be a Firefly, and my guess is he’ll know where some of them are out there. If that's the case, maybe he can get you to whatever lab this is.”

“Okay.”

“We’re gonna gather up on supplies and I'm going to get the truck battery charged up. I need you to bring her upstairs and get her in the shower. Can you do that for me, Ellie? There should be a box of women’s clothing in the closet. I’ll worry about gettin’ the supplies we need.”

“Shouldn’t you be taking care of her?”

Joel grinded his teeth together, clenching his jaw tightly. “She doesn’t want me takin’ care of her right now. She trusts you.” He stated it like it was the obvious.

“Okay.”

“One more thing, there’s some rules you gotta follow. Rule one, don’t bring up Tess. Ever. Matter of fact, we can just keep our histories to ourselves. Rule two, you don’t tell anyone about…your condition. They see that bite mark, they won’t think it through. They’ll just shoot you. Rule three, you do what I say when I say it. We clear?”

“Yes.” Ellie responded.

“Repeat it.” He requested.

“What you say goes.”

Joel gave the teen a small nod before he was glancing down at your position on the floor. Your knees were pulled up to your chest, and your eyes were glazed over in a dead stare. Once Joel’s heavy boots could no longer be heard along the hardwood, Ellie slowly crouched down in front of you.

“Gwen?”

Your eyes flitted over to hers in acknowledgment.

“Joel wants me to get you in the shower. Do you need help getting up?”

You shook your head before slowly pulling yourself up to your feet. You led the way upstairs, pushing back the wonderful memories you shared in this home to the deep part of your brain.

Joel was grabbing you then, grasping your hips as he pulled you flush against his chest. His hand that wasn’t holding you firmly came up to your face, gently tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear. “What was that about me bein’ pretty awful? I heard that correctly, didn’t I?” His tone was low, teasing.

You immediately brought your arms around his neck and threaded your fingers through his soft curls. “That was nothing, honey. I was just joking. You’re far from awful.”

Before he could steal a kiss, you were slipping out of his grasp like the little tease you were. You had a smirk spread across your lips as you leaned against the doorway. “C’mon, we’re not gonna spend all day up here okay? We’ll have all night for that Joel.” You shot him a wink before slipping past the door and headed back downstairs.

“Gwen?” Ellie was standing alongside you as you stopped in front of the guest room that you and Joel spent a lot of time together in.

“What? I’m…sorry. A lot of memories here. C’mon.” You walked further down the hall and entered a different room. Ellie could only watch as you quietly walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind you. Even after she heard the shower turn on, she sat against the closed door waiting for you.

As the water streamed down your body, washing away dirt, grime, filth, and blood from your body, more memories seeped through the cracks. Silent sobs slipped past your parted lips. You brought your hand up to your mouth to hide the sound of your cries.

He surprised you then, reaching for your hand before he helped you up from the couch gently.

“Dance with me?”

“I never thought you’d ask, cowboy.” You took his hand then as he helped you up. You were a little unsteady on your feet, while his free hand was gently splayed across your lower back as he pulled you into chest, holding you as close as he physically could. Your hearts were practically intertwined as he slowly started to sway with you. Your fingers were interlocked between his other hand while you brought your freehand to his shoulder, playing with the worn fabric of his flannel gently. He dipped his head down slightly, his forehead resting against yours. His warm brown eyes, locked on yours. You continued to slowly sway, taking in this private moment as he whispered the lyrics lowly between you. His voice was warm, inviting, deep and it settled within your bones. “I had the last waltz with you. Two lonely people together. I fell in love with you..the last waltz should last forever..”

He kissed you then. Closing the small gap between you finally. You didn’t even pull away as the record crackled as the song came to an impending end. You continued to kiss him, tasting the sweet wine on his tongue. His breath hitching, his fingers tightening along the exposed sliver of skin of your lower back. You breathed him in, letting his kiss settle deep within your soul.

You scrubbed your skin raw as the scalding water burned. You welcomed the pain without a fuss.

Ellie had stood up once she heard the water turn off and she moved away from the door when it opened. Your eyes were still bloodshot but at least you clean now.

“There should still be some hot water left. Take your time.” You walked past her, going to the closet to pull down the box of women, and men’s clothes that were stored there.

You set out fresh clothes for Ellie and grabbed a new flannel for Joel. You recognized it as Frank’s immediately. You clutched the fabric tightly to your chest, squeezing your eyes shut tightly.

Joel was busying himself in the garage. He was attaching the battery to Bill’s truck and he hoped to god the engine would run. He wiped the sweat beading along his forehead with the back of his hand. Letting out a heavy sigh as his mind drifted to the memories he shared here with his friends, and you.

“Joel, honey?..” you spoke softly through the warm breeze.

“Hmm?” He mumbled softly, blinking a few times as he tilted his head forward once more and looked at the wildflower crown between your fingers. “Oh, that’s beautiful sugar. You want me to put it on you?”

You turned your head slightly so you could look at him. “I was gonna ask if I could put it on you.”

“Oh? No baby, it’ll look beautiful on you. It’ll look silly on me.”

“No it won’t, Joel. You’ll look handsome, I promise.”

How could he really say no to you? Especially when you looked so carefree, so happy. It was just a little flower crown after all. Maybe he wouldn’t end up looking silly.

“Oh, alright. Go ahead. Lay it on me” he watched as you gently lowered the flower crown on top of his soft curls. Your smile was so soft, so beautiful.

“So, how do I look? Still ruggedly handsome?”

You nodded and brushed your fingers against his jaw gently. “No, you look beautiful Joel.”

He slammed the hood of the truck shut, cursing under his breath before he kicked at the tire with his worn boot.

You grabbed one of his hands then and brought it up to your lips, pressing a kiss to his palm before interlocking your fingers with his. “I know honey, I got you, you got me. It’s okay. Please, don’t make me beg you.”

“You got me, I got you.” He let out a puff of air against the back of your neck as he slipped his legs between yours. He let his free hand, that wasn’t grasped between your fingers, grab ahold of himself before he gently, and slowly slipped himself between your slick, warm folds.

“I love you.” you whispered quietly. You were unsure if your confession was due to all the wine you consumed. Or if it was your sober thoughts, coming out in drunk words, or a mix of both.

“I love you, always.” He whispered back, tightening his hold around your waist, smiling against your soft skin when he felt your lips brush against his knuckles.

“God fucking dammit. Fuck.” He let out a pained groan, running his fingers through his hair, gripping the tendrils tightly. It physically brought him pain knowing that you were suffering upstairs. Fuck this world. Fuck the cordyceps. Fuck it all.

Joel passed you on your way down the stairs, you wordlessly tossed the flannel in his direction. Your shoulders brushed slightly as you slipped past him. You sat outside in the familiar field of wildflowers.

It felt like hours had passed by the time Ellie had found you and told you it was time to head out. You said a silent goodbye to your friends. To Bill, Frank, and Tess as the teen helped you up from the grassy floor.

You chose to sit in the backseat of the pickup truck while Ellie took shot-gun. It was clearly Ellie’s first time in a car as she was curiously looking around. She wasn’t even sure what Joel meant by a seatbelt, till he was reaching over and buckling her in.

“It’s like a spaceship.” She spoke in wonderment.

“No, it’s like a piece of shit Chevy S10, but it’ll get us there…I think.” Joel responded, glancing back at you in the rearview mirror. He put the truck in reverse, saying a silent goodbye to Bill and Frank before driving out of the compound.

A tape in the truck started to play, “Long Long Time” by Linda Ronstadt.

You and Joel locked eyes for a fleeting moment before you both looked away.

Joel drove a few miles but as night was steadfast approaching, he found a quiet part in the forest to make camp for the night.

Ellie was fast asleep in her own sleeping bag, and you and Joel were sitting far away from one another.

Your mind had gone numb as you clutched a bottle of red wine in your grasp. A bottle of Brunello, just as Bill had suggested. You tipped the bottle to the stars shining above, thanking Bill and Frank for being in your life before you took a sip. The wine burned down your raw throat, but you appreciated the warmth that settled in your stomach.

You looked over your shoulder at Joel, who was sitting up on his sleeping bag. His back was facing you, Shoulders slumped inwards. You weren’t sure what exactly came over you, or why you suddenly were walking towards him, but it was too late to turn back.

You slowly sank down on the sleeping bag beside him. Shoulders brushing, knees touching. You were holding the bottle outstretched to him. Perhaps this was your own way of extending the olive branch. Or, you were simply seeking comfort in the only way you knew.

Joel wordlessly took the bottle from you, his fingers brushing yours. He tipped the rim of the bottle back, taking a long sip before he set it down between his knees.

“Joel.” You whispered with uncertainty laced in your tone.

“Gwen.” He croaked out.

“Please. Please make the pain go away. Please, Joel. I’m begging you.” You confessed, eyes glassy, lips trembling.

Joel inhaled a shaky breath, slowly turning his chin in your direction so he could meet your gaze. “How can I make the pain go away, my sweet girl.” he whispered.

You were reaching for the bottle between his knees, grasping it before you took another swig. You set the bottle on the side before you were grabbing his hands, interlocking your fingers together. “Please don’t make me say it.” You pleaded with him.

Joel instinctively scooted himself closer to you. You could feel his warm breath fanning your cheeks. You could feel his heartbeat thrumming in his chest. “I’ll make the pain go away. Okay baby? I’ll make it go away.” He promised you.

Your eyes fluttered shut when you felt his nose lightly brush against yours. You could taste the wine on his breath. He had given your hands a reassuring squeeze as he closed the small gap between you. This was a kiss you had never shared with him. Equally desperate, equally broken. Two people, two survivors, falling back on the one thing they knew could heal them. Joel kissed you slow, deep, tenderly. His hands had left yours only to gently cup your face in his warm palms. When he felt your tears freely fall, he gently brushed them away. “Shh. You’re okay. You’re okay Gwen. I got you. You’re safe. I’m here.” He whispered against your lips, tasting your salty tears and residue of wine on his tongue.

He slowly coaxed you into his lap, pulling the sleeping bag around both of your bodies. Concealing yourselves from the forest. His lips never left yours as he gently pushed your pants past your hips along with your panties. His own jeans were pushed past his thighs. You pushed his flannel down his arms before pulling his shirt over his head. You were both desperate for skin to skin contact. Your bodies craved to be as close as possible. Your own shirt was soon discarded as your chests were pressed flush together.

Joel’s arms were tightly wound around your body, your arms mirrored his own. You were hugging each other tightly, nails scraping against scarred skin as he slowly jutted his hips into yours. Harsh inhale, shaky exhale, breaths mingling. He fucked into you slow, deep. He pulled, you pushed. Tears streamed down your faces as you made broken love to each other. Salt mixed with saliva. Whimpers, broken moans were devoured endlessly. “I got you, you got me.” He whispered. “You got me, I got you.” You whispered back, completing your oath to one another.

You clenched, he twitched. Your bodies trembled as you came undone around each other. He stilled inside of you, holding you close as he pressed feather light kisses all over your face before he was resting his sweaty forehead against yours. Neither of you moved as he went soft inside of you. The idea of breaking the connection between your two entwined bodies was not an option. Neither of you could stomach it.

“I don’t expect you to ever forgive me. I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I need you by my side. I can’t do this on my own. I’m incapable without you. I understand if you want to leave, and I won’t try and stop you if you do. I know I hurt you. I know I don’t deserve you, but please stay.” Joel finally spoke through the darkness. His eyes were searching yours. This was his final plea to you.

There was so much you wanted to say. It was on the tip of your tongue, teetering over the edge as your fingers threaded themselves into his sweat soaked hair.

“I’m not going anywhere, cowboy.”

Please don’t hurt me again.

Tag list: @chaotic-mystery @peterhollandkait @yuly@soft-cryptids @dinsdjrn @myrealmofchaos @itskenziebb @lovers-liability @korynnekorynne @ems-alexandra @kirsteng42 @casssiopeia @novemberrain-writes @goodwithcheese @loquaciousferret @sarahhxx03 @777-wonders @bonglorddaryl @mirasantidotes @luvrking @finnsbubblegum @atinylittlepain @last-girl @pedrostories @yazsos @pedgeitopascal @wildemaven

[tarnishedxknight]

{out of dalmasca} Well... I'm finally home. I got home around 2:30PM. Saturday. For a same-day procedure scheduled for 4:30PM Friday that should have taken from check-in to discharge about 4-5 hours.

Yeeeeeeeah...

It. Was. An absolute nightmare. I'll briefly summarize below a cut for anyone who wants the dirt and to hear my harrowing tale of woe, lol, but long story short, it was one of the worst experiences of my life and I never want to go back to that hospital ever again, heh. Which.. is sad. I was born in that hospital. My mother was a nurse there for the majority of her career. She loved that hospital. My life was saved there when I was two and sick with JRA, and my dad's was saved when he was in his 60s and he got a rare blood infection. But this experience? -47/10 would not recommend. But it's done, the actual surgery went well, now I just have to heal up. =)

Okay, so. What happened was... someone who should've had a 2-hour surgery before me to have their appendix removed ended up having a cancerous tumor there that nobody expected. It was really in there good and wrapped around important things, and the surgery took 8 hours to safely remove it. So my appt. time was 4:30PM, I was told to get there at 2PM, I got there at 1:45PM... and I didn't have surgery until 11:45PM. It was a total fiasco of everything that could possibly go wrong... going wrong.

Machines broke down or malfunctioned. They did a random maintenance of the computer system so none of the nurse could log into their little mobile kiosk accounts. I had two different bed issues. One took three nurses to figure out how to lock it so it didn't move around (the table I was having surgery on), and the other bed (my post-op recovery bed) the nurse backed so far up that it got hiked up onto a drawer of a shelving unit behind it and then wouldn't raise or lower. When she figured this out, she closed the drawer, causing the bed to painfully and suddenly drop like 8 inches to the floor with me in it. My check-in nurse disappeared and they couldn't find him for a solid hour and I had to get another one and restart the whole process. Another forgot to take an IV port out of an elderly patient who had been next to me and let him go home with it, only to have to walk him through removing it over the phone later. None of this instilled confidence.

They put me in a room after surgery because "it's late now," and the phone didn't work in the room. Neither did the TV. That's okay because I couldn't see anything anyway AND I had no cell phone because my dad took them, because they told him he'd be coming back in a couple hours to take me home and then... just kidding. So I sat in one room for 8 hours before surgery, and then sat in another post-surgery for 13 hours. With. Nothing to do (except they did have a passable portable tv in the first room, which I'll get to in a second). Unable to see or make calls. And I had none of my meds that prevent other serious medical issues while sleep so......... I couldn't sleep. I had to fight to stay away or risk things going wrong in other ways. Dear gods, the boredom and stress.

I was put in a room with a terminally ill cancer patient who wanted to chat and tell me in gory detail everything about her illness. That... was not what I needed right just then. Then, she kept like... I would push the call button (once I found out where it was because nobody told me), and because I was hidden in the back and she was by the door, they would just ask her what she wanted, she'd get help to do this that or whatever, and then they'd leave again without even talking to me.

Just outside our room was the man who had the appendix out. He was shrieking, crying, and moaning all night long because he was in pain, and they couldn't give him anything for it because his blood pressure had bottomed out. It was like something out of a horror movie, except real, to listen to the sounds of agony this poor man was making. Extremely upsetting. I cried twice just because I had a visceral human response to the sounds he was making. Another reason why I got no sleep.

I am supposed to be on a low fat diet, at least until I heal. Also, when you have GE surgery, the last thing you want is to drink caustic acid. So what do they bring me for breakfast? Orange juice, raw pineapple, and tart strawberries (I could feel them all burning on the way down, I was in agony), and then scrambled eggs with melted cheese, fried breakfast sausages, and fried potatoes. Like. What the actual fuck. And coffee. I detest coffee. When I asked for tea I got looked at funny and told they couldn't give that to me. Apparently hot tea is a burn risk, but hot coffee is fine. Yeah, okay, sure. Tell that to that woman who sued McDonalds for burning her own lap. I couldn't eat the potatoes, they were so dry I was afraid of choking on them, it was ridiculous. But I ate and drank as much as I could because, all told during this process, I had gone 17.5 hours without water, and about 21 hours without food.

The reason they kept me overnight was because my surgeon just left afterward. He didn't talk to me, didn't give discharge orders, didn't say anything, he just left. Then, as of like 6AM when they called him, he didn't answer, until around 12PM when they gave up and called another doctor, who basically said yeah I'm busy I'll get to it when I get to it. Hence me not being released until 2PM.

And the pain is..... omg intense. Debilitating. Not at all what was described to me as what to expect. And I'm no wuss, I've been in and out of hospitals since I was two, I have 10 piercings, I had all four wisdom teeth extracted and was eating pizza later that same day lol, and I have a very high pain threshold, so for me to say the pain is A Lot™ is.... yeah. This is hell. I am in hell. XD

But I am home now and I just need to somehow get through the next few days until the pain gets better and my life gets more normal. My sleep schedule is all messed up and the pain is distracting, so I'm not sure when I'm going to be on to write. Over the next 3 days or so, I'll do what I can, when I can. If I feel like it's comforting and therapeutic, I will. If not, I won't.

BUT... the one ray of light in this hellish process was that in the room I was in for 8 hours the first time, they had a TV, and even though everything was blurry without my glasses, I found a channel playing movies. I got to watch the classic Ghostbusters II, which I love, and then they had back to back Iron Man and Iron Man 2. Got all the way through them, and then they moved me 10 minutes before IM2 ended, which was... rude. I've already seen it but still. That's so annoying. XD

The funny thing was, the night before surgery I was so anxious I couldn't sleep, so I was on my phone watching and listening to random videos and music. I found my favorite music video of Tony Stark/Iron Man that I hadn't seen in a long time, and it was weird for me to click on it because lately I haven't been writing him and I felt a bit detached from the character. So I thought it was funny that I randomly watched that the night before, and then I'm in the hospital watching Iron Man movies on their TV, haha. Needless to say, my muse for Tony is now through the roof, so... that's going to be a thing for a while.

Weirdly enough, watching Tony going through all the medical stuff with his reactor, and watching him battle his own anxiety and neuroticism, was strangely comforting to me sitting hours on end in a hospital awaiting surgery having one panic attack after another. I know, it makes no sense, you'd really think it'd make me more nervous, or that it would exacerbate my anxiety, but you'd be wrong. Neurodivergence ftw, heh. XD

Anyway, I'm home, I'm hurting, but I'm okay. And actually, despite everything going wrong, my actual surgery apparently went "perfect textbook" well. So that's the most important thing. I may be lurking for a couple days unless I get better sleep and my pain gets to a level where I can do more with my brain than just sit here and think.... ow. XD I'll see how I feel in the next few days and if I need to extend my hiatus from my regular rp schedule further, I'll let everyone know.

[mdhwrites]

A Beautiful Understanding: Envision a Rose Forthcoming

There are many things that Honkai Star Rail has surprised me with, especially within its sidequests. Ones with silly twists, neat ideas and just simply good execution. With my issues with Penacony's main story though, there was certainly one element that I hadn't been prepared to see amongst it all. Spoilers ahead for the sidequest: Envision a Rose Forthcoming

I was tempted to screen grab essentially this entire final conversation but I only grabbed two. This first one probably resonates with many of you though. It is something anyone with depression has had to face, especially in their darkest hours. During those times when it is so loud that it feels all consuming. Like there is only it.

Worse yet, Cocona talks of compromises she's made with the voice. Parts of herself she corrupted or cut off in order to appease it. To try and mold herself into what could be happy and to lose that which causes her pain. To appease others but especially to appease this voice that will not stop.

Until the voice was all there was.

I characterize in my own works the idea that when someone goes to that darkest place, there isn't really thought. Nothing can penetrate the void that's consuming you as the misery is all that faces you back. Personifying it as a voice that cuts all else out, that has you entirely in its grip, is a great other way to put it though. When your thoughts tell you that yes, cutting the nose to spite the face is exactly what will help, even if both are a part of you.

But.

It is not wholly cold, nor is your intervention a miracle that cures her. To get this, you have to stay with her. Refuse to let her disappear, even as she asks you to allow it. Make sure she knows SOMEONE cares. Someone is refuting the voice that seems to be her entire reality. You are there for her and that's what matters. Admittedly, you do it by grabbing her hand and not letting go and I'd prefer it to be that it's that you simply won't leave but that's really my only complaint with the sequence.

Otherwise, I think it's just an incredible depiction of someone at the brink. The rest of the quest does a good job depicting her depression as well. You literally have to fight and destroy her ego as she wants to stop having desires and caring about her dreams so that it's easier to forget the pain but things only get worse for it. You see her outside of her mindscape struggling to even pretend to be happy and people talk about how despite the fact that she has a good job is well respected, she is still miserable for no reason. The fact that a doctor who just wants to literally cleanse her of the emotion of sadness says this makes me want to punch them in the face and it frankly sold me on The Family being corrupt and crooked more than literally anything in the main plot since this is what they believe to be a good 'doctor'. You can see the struggle though and do you know what happens when you give Cocona the medicine?

She refuses to take it. She performatively does but she has her memories and emotions back and doesn't want the numb. Doesn't want something that only makes the pain tolerable. As someone who has to look at his own medication, after so many failed and even now still trying even old ones to see if they'll do something now... A common fear for many is that the meds will make them lose who they are. That they deaden life and I'm happy that the game didn't depict that as a positive. That cutting those things off isn't how you get better.

It's just a shockingly respectful depiction of depression, even to the point of wishing for it to end, and that's kind of the last thing I actually expected to see in Star Rail. Even larger games that are trying to be deep and contemplative with their main stories on these subjects can end up shooting themselves in the foot. Try to act like there is just a cure or that it can be fixed all too easily. To treat it like a disease that just needs the right medication.

And admittedly, to give this sidequest a happy ending, they have her find joy in life again through a passion she'd been forced to put down. As someone who is happiest when they're able to write though... Embracing the bright side of yourself, and finding those clouds parted enough to allow you to do so, can genuinely do wonders for someone. As far as ways to wrap this up, in a SIDEQUEST, it's very good and well setup as the way she may escape her dark days, at least in a way we can believe will stick.

It's a good reminder for me of why I still want to stick with this game. I don't consider a good portion of Penacony's main story content to be sincere. Its sincere elements are to some extent twisted for insincere uses and it sours my favorite parts of the content. That isn't how Star Rail always is though. When it just wants to tell a good story with good, heartfelt characters, it knocks it out of the park with shocking regularity.

It's why Belobog will continue to be my favorite world and I'll keep waiting for the next time they believe such a simple tale can be strong enough to lead us somewhere new. That it can be hold the audience at the brink, without feeling the need to let them go just for the shock of it.

Not when it itself knows better than to glorify such a fall.

======+++++======

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

[whumpycries]

brother's keeper #1

cw: carewhumper, bad caretaker, medications, angst, emotional whump, bruises.

this is me writing on this idea i'd posted a few days ago.

i didn't proof read this so if there's any glaring mistakes just tell me and i'll correct them. dima and vin are siblings, dima uses she/they and vin uses he/him

...

“You brought this on yourself, you know,” Dima said ideally as she set down the glass of water and the little cup with Vin’s medication down.

He stared at her blearily from under the covers, one of his eyes bruised nearly shut. It had been a few days now, but that bruise had been nasty, so however bad it looked now, it had been worse before. 

“That’s the third time you’re telling me that,” Vin muttered, not getting up to eat the meds. Dima breathed deeply, slowly, and counted down from ten in their head. This was fucking stupid, counting down didn’t help with anger. It never has. She did it anyway. 

“It’s not like you listen to me, is it?” she sniped, backing away, “if you don’t want to eat the meds, tell me before I take them out of the packets. There’s a lot of other, more useful stuff I can be doing that does not involve babysitting you like some goddamn toddler.”

“I never asked you to,” he said, not even looking at her anymore. He had a hand thrown over his head and was pressing it down. Probably had a throbbing headache. The meds she’d gotten him had a pretty strong painkiller as well, but it’s not like he was smart enough to recognise it, or even ask about the meds she was giving him. She could slip him poison for all he knew. 

Sometimes she was tempted to. 

“You’re feeling bold for someone who is bed bound with more injuries than I care to recount,” they said, narrowing her eyes. 

“And what are you gonna do about it?” he snapped, tuning away his face completely. 

Don’t hit him don’t hit him don’t hit him he might actually keel over dead if you hit him don’t hit him—

Dima didn’t say a word as she took up the small cup of medicine and the water, feeling petty, and exited the room. For a moment she was tempted to lock him in as well, but decided against it. Plausible deniability in case he did end up dying. 

God. Why did they have to find him? Why did they have to leave him alive? The missing case had been dropped. Her life had finally been in control. A huge burden had been off her. And now he was back, worse than ever, infringing on Dima’s life like he always did. Ruining it. Ruining their time, ruining their plans, ruining the safety and comfort of their home. 

Just take a deep breath, she told themselves, he’s already in pain. 

And he was. He was already in pain. That thought went a long way towards calming her down. He was in pain and powerless here and there was no Nana or mother to talk her down or mediate between them. There was no one here, and he was in pain, and he’d been found half dead in a goddamn dumpster and somehow remembered Nana’s phone number even thought they now live like a hundred miles away and so Nana had called Dima and now—

Deep breaths, she told herself, and slowly opened up her laptop. Maybe she can check student papers and be infuriated about that instead of Vin. Maybe she would find some really good papers too. She could send them to the college journal for publication. One student has been showing a lot of potential in that regard. 

This was a far better use of their time than catering to the whims of a fucking ungrateful bitch. 

She got to work, putting most of their effort into not thinking about the man in the guest bedroom, about the blood on the clothes she’d thrown away the day before, about the way Nana had sounded when she’d called and told Dima about how they’ve found Vin, and that he’s alive. 

They pointedly don’t think about any of that at all as they make their way through the student assessments, a notebook in hand as they scribbled down little notes. The tension left her in increments, until she’d almost– almost forgotten about Vin. 

Almost. 

At that moment, the door to his room– her fucking house, a room in her fucking house– swung open, revealing Vin standing there, clutching at the doorframe with his life, shaking and pale. 

“I was calling for you,” he said, “Are you fucking deaf?” 

She thought of giving him a snarky remark, but then decided against it, only raising their brow at him. She genuinely hadn’t heard him, but then again, there’s music playing, the fan spinning, and the air conditioning on. She’s used to their solitude. Used to not having to keep an ear out for him. 

Vin visibly gritted his teeth, “Where’s the meds? I thought you’d leave ‘em for me.” 

“In the kitchen,” they said simply, and turned back to their work. She was done, and she’d said as much to him, to nana and to their father. She was done catering to him and dealing with his tantrums. She gave him a chance. She isn’t gonna keep running after him now. 

There was a pause, where Vin neither moved nor made a sound. Dima wanted to start giggling, but controlled herself. Take that, you little shit. 

Then Vin started moving, painfully from what she could see, but he refused to feel any pity for him, any sympathy or guilt. He disappeared into the kitchen. 

Dima turned back to their work, but hadn’t read a single line more when she heard a crash from the kitchen. They jumped, startled out of their wits, heart thudding loudly in her chest as she whipped her head around to see what the fuck had just happened. 

She shot to her feet and hurried to the kitchen, and had to stop at the doorway, staring. One of the decorative glass bottles she kept on the kitchen counter was on the floor, pieces of coloured glass scattered everywhere. She looked up, and Vin was staring at her with a faintly baffled expression, like he didn’t know what just happened. 

Dima breathed. 

“Out,” she said, very tightly, “Go back to your room.” It’s not your fucking room, she thought, it’s my house. You’re an invader. 

When she brought him his meds later, she left out the painkiller. 

--

ask to be added to the taglist!

[omomygods]

The omo life is having one of your oh-so-hypothetical omo imagines happening to you

So story time ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

Pain pills have eroded my stomach. Gonna be starting new meds. But dude black vomit and I DO mean BLACK black means scary exams and medical emergency. I've been low key panicked all day

I was in hypomania just now, and needed to chill. I grabbed my vape. It's a SERIOUSLY HAZY hybrid that even after ten days I am not getting strain fatigue from. So I hit it and enter Facebook.

It's scrolling a meme page I realize I'm too high. I can't actually tell if I need to pee. I can't feel my bladder.

While this is nice, this is where I realize I cracked a joke that would get me put in Facebook jail if someone got salty — long story short, forgot what group I was in, cracked joke meant for the group in the OTHER tab, panicked, pulled the post ASAFP.

And as I finally take a full breath I realize that my diaper is hot. Very hot.

At some point between those two points, I had an accident.

I can't tell how bad it is yet, because I can't feel my bladder, but hot diaper means wet diaper.

The weird part is I don't think I mind. It didn't hurt. Nothing hurts.

I can finally sleep.

It's great.

[reinedescauchemars]

love is reminding someone that dehydration is bad and that they really should drink water, even if they keep responding by saying "i know", especially since it impacts their health and disability and drinking any water-based fluid would be good for them, and it might lessen the pain. love is also telling someone that you finally went to get a glass of water. love is doing this whether you're ten feet away or a thousand miles apart

anyhow, i'm being a bit of a fool and in pain and not practicing self-care as much as i should, and so someone had to give me the "you need water because you are human" talk over text today before i actually drank fluids that weren't either tea or needed for taking meds

[lovemesomesurveys]

1. What is something in your life that you feel hopeful about right now? Well, I finally tried edibles to see if it helps my anxiety at all, as well as my insomnia, appetite, and pain. I’ve had horrible anxiety, more so than ever, this past year and the medications my doctor would allow weren’t working. I was feeling really hopeless and scared. The only thing that did seem to help was my pain med, which of course isn’t its intended purpose but I was taking it for that as well, which wasn’t good. I finally decided to give edibles a try with the hope of course of it actually helping me and to also take less pills. 

2. What was the last thing you worried about that turned out better than expected? Well, I’ve been trying this new regimen for the past week now and figuring out the right dosages and how many a day and  so far it is working. I have definitely cut back on the pills, which is really good. 

3. Name somewhere you are planning on visiting in the near future? I sadly have no travel plans. I’m hoping perhaps my new “medication” will help me feel motivated and have the desire to want to get up out of bed more and perhaps at least take a drive to the beach and park as close as we can so I can enjoy it from the car. I’d take that over nothing right now. I really miss the beach. :( Like I said, though, I’m still playing around with the correct amount and what type I take for what. I need a mood lifter kind. While it has helped some of my issues, it also makes me really tired and have zero energy which is not helpful if I want to go somewhere.

4. How often do you go grocery shopping and how much food do you usually get in one go? My mom goes twice a month for our big grocery trips. We get a lot of stuff.

5. What is a meal you eat extremely often? Or do your meals & food choices vary a lot? I have cream of wheat for breakfast, Taco Bell at least 4-5 times a week, and I have a sandwich for lunch just about everyday. I have pizza fairly often, too. It’s so wild how my appetite has changed since being home from the hospital because prior to I ate a lot of chicken, particularly chicken wings. I had that all the time before and now it’s rare for me to get chicken wings or chicken strips. I don’t know why.

6. When was the last time you felt unable or unwilling to speak your mind to someone? That’s kinda just how I am for the most part. I’d like to speak up to a couple people, but I just want to cause any drama or hurt anyone’s feelings. I just imagine the conversation going completely wrong and everything getting twisted. I won’t be able to say what I want to say in the right way. I’m getting hurt, too, but it’s best I just don’t say anything.

7. What was the last thing you changed your mind about? I don’t recall.

8. Who was the last friend you saw, and what did you do together? I don’t have any friends.

9. Who tends to show up in your dreams? Do you ever wonder if you appear in anyone else's dreams? I always have random people pop up in my dreams for some reason. Like people I know, but I’m talking like for example this kid I went to elementary and middle school with. We weren’t friends, but acquaintances. I didn’t have a crush on him or anything either. Sooo, I really have no idea why he’s the one to pop up on my dreams randomly. 

10. What is something you wish you could say to someone who is no longer in your life, or something you wish they could know? I sometimes wish I could talk to Ty again and tell him some things, but I guess at this point it really doesn’t matter.

11. Instead of flat earth, what do you think of the simulated earth theory, that we're basically all just a giant computer program or virtual reality? Nah.

12. What worries you most about your future? I’m truly afraid of getting worse or never getting much better. I’m afraid of living a life mainly stuck in bed or at home. I’m afraid I won’t be able to travel again or go places. My future terrifies me.

13. What is something you do to feel better when you're scared? I have to just try to distract myself somehow. 14. Who do you feel you can count on the most in life? Is there anyone you wish you could count on more? My mom, 100%. I know I always can.

15. What makes you trust someone? When was the last time someone broke your trust? It’s usually just unless I have a reason or feeling that I shouldn’t. You just kind of vibe with someone and gauge how comfortable you feel and how much you want to share. 

16. When was the last time you shared a secret with someone, and how did they react? I don’t recall. 

17. Are you more likely to give advice or to ask for it? I used to be the one friends came to for advice all the time, but I’m certainly in no place to be giving advice to anyone right now. I also don’t ask for it generally. Very rarely. I keep a lot of shit to myself. 

18. When was the last time you felt totally lost, figuratively speaking? How about literally? >> I constantly feel lost, figuratively speaking. I almost never feel lost, literally speaking. <<<

19. In what ways are you emotionally strong? In what ways are you emotionally weak? I feel extremely weak emotionally. And physically.

20. What is the strangest book you have ever read? How did you find out about it? One of them that randomly came to mind is “The Giver.”

21. Do you prefer to watch movies or tv alone or with other people? Is there anything you refuse to watch alone? I much prefer watching with others. My mom, brother, and I have several shows we watch together. I find it fun to have someone to react and obsess with. 

22. What was the last thing you broke? How about fixed? I don’t recall.

23. Is there a sign or symbol that means a lot to you for whatever reason (eg. seeing certain animals or birds, 11:11 or other repeating numbers, syncs, butterflies, hearts in nature, etc)? My favorite number since I was a kid has been 8. That number comes up a lot in my life, too. The number 9 does as well. I don’t know what it means, if anything, but it’s interesting. 

24. Do you have any personal ghost stories or paranormal experiences? No.

25. What do you get complimented on the most? Ha, nothing anymore. I’m a mess. 

26. What is something unusual that you find attractive? I find hands attractive, but I think that’s not so unusual or uncommon. I can’t think of anything that would be “unusual.”

27. What time do you tend to eat your first meal of the day? And your last? I tend to eat around 11 or 12PM and my last meal around 8. 

28. What was the subject of the last video you watched? I’m watching a YouTuber that does a lot of videos on abandoned places and companies that went bankrupt and/or closed down. The one I’m watching now is about Bed, Bath, & Beyond. 

29. When was the last time you traveled out of town, and where to? Over a year ago to the beach. 

30. How would you describe your overall aesthetic? I don’t know, man.

[quietplace26]

A Phoneix's Blessing au (2)

Winter was finally coming to a close as the snow began to melt away and flowers started blooming, meaning spring was almost here.

And somehow, despite all the odds against him, Akito was still alive.

It was shocking to say the least. Akito, with his his weak and crippled body, survived probably one of the worse winters he's ever seen in his entire life.

And it was all thanks to his mysterious savior, KK...

...The older man refused to leave. Even when Akito said he was fine (he wasn't), that he wasn't going to pass out again (he always felt like he was going to pass out from pain), the stubborn older man stood his ground.

"I'm not leaving, you brat. You need help, so let me help you."

And so for the entirety of that winter, KK took care of Akito.

From keeping Akito and his cabin warm with fire wood, to going to the village or hunting for food, KK did everything! He even repaired Akito's cabin which had been falling apart!

Oh, and he even went out of his way to get Akito some pain medicine! With money being tight, Akito had to stop buying any type of pain meds at the market, so the fact KK got him some was a relief!

...But the medicine KK handed him didn't look like any he's ever seen before. It was somesort of clear liquid.

"You seriously want me to drink this?" Akito holds the vial up to his face and eyes it warily. "It is medicine... Right?"

KK quickly assures him that, yes, it was medicine. It was actually pain medicine he got from a different town and that's why it looks different.

Taking KK's word for it, Akito drinks the vial. It wasn't disgusting, but it did taste kinda like salt...

Flash forward to a few weeks and a many vials of KK's pain meds later, and Akito begins to notice something felt different about his body.

Pressing a hand to his chest, Akito takes a deep breath... and it realizes it doesn't hurt. His breathing wasn't hurting him like it usually did!

But even with this happy news in his life, Akito still wasn't sure why the KK went out of his way to do all this for someone he just met, but either way, Akito was so very grateful.

And it didn't hurt that KK was rather nice company once you got past his gruffness. He was also handsome too, but Akito was never gonna tell older man that! Nope!

..."Hm~" Akito hums softly as he relaxes into his porch swing, letting himself swing back and forth. It was a nice day outside, and Akito was enjoying it thoroughly.

He hasn't been this relax in such a long time, and with his old wound practically gone now, Akito could take time to finally relax and not worry about any aches or pains...

A blanket suddenly draps over over him, causing Akito grumble and open his eyes sleepily to glare at the culprit who dared to mess with his nap.

"KK... It's not even cold out..." But despite his whining, Akito tugs the blanket around him tighter and snuggles into it with a soft sigh.

KK just gives him an amused look before it shifts into something more serious. "Akito. I need to leave for a few days."

Akito blinks and sits up, suddenly feeling more awake now. "W-Why?"

The older man shushes him, gently urging him to lay back down again. "It's nothing too serious. I just need to go run errand in the next town over, and while I'm there, I'll get you your next batch of medicine."

Ah. His medicine. Truthfully Akito didn't see any reason to continue taking anymore medicine. He feels so much better now. No aches or pains, no problem breathing. He feels prefectly fine.

But KK apparently sees differently. "You might not hurt anymore, but that doesn't mean that you're completely healed."

KK reaches over and pokes Akito's chest. Pokes where Akito's fading scar was. "Until this scar is completely gone, I want you to keep taking that medicine, okay?"

"...Okay KK."

"Good." The older man ruffles Akito's hair with a smile and stands up. "There's enough food and fire wood to last till I get back, so please, stay out of trouble till then brat."

"I hear you loud and clear KK. Go on. I'll be fine here."

KK goes to leave, but stops. He walks back over to Akito who once agains sits up in confustion. "KK? I thought you were-" KK leans down places a quick kiss on his forehead.

Akito squeaks and slaps a hand over the spot KK kissed. "K-K-KK?!" The younger man's face was blood red as he stared at the smirking older man.

"Been wanting to that for a while now." KK spins around and walks off again. "Maybe when I'm back, I'll give you more?" He laughs loudly, ignoring Akito's shouts to 'come back and explain himself'!

"KK!" The older man ignores his yells and disappears into the forest surrounding the cabin.

Akito stares vacantly at the forest for a few minutes before covering his red face with his hands, muffling his screams of disbelief. What was that?!

After that rather surprising turn of events, Akito settles back down again, hoping a quick nap would calm his beating heart...

A short while later, Akito awakes to the sound of wings flapping and something heavy landing on the floor beside him.

Lifting his head up, Akito looks over to see what made that sound, and what he sees nearly causes him to fall off his porch swing in shock.

It was the bird! The same one from the trap!

"Oh! It's you!" Akito sits up with a bright smile.

The massive bird makes a happy trilling sound as it hops around, clearly sharing the same excitment Akito was feeling.

With an excited grin Akito slides off his porch swing and sits on the floor so he could get a better look at his unexpected guest.

It mostly still looked the same as before, massive in size, black/silver feathers, but one thing Akito didn't noticed before was that the gold pattern he noticed before wasn't just some gold pattern. It was glowing, pulsating even!

This bird... It was more than just a massive bird with pretty feathers. This bird had to be magical!

"What even are you?" The bird of course doesn't answer his question. It just tilts it's head, watching him with intelligent, dark, beady eyes, and coos.

Well, at least he wouldn't be too lonely while KK was gone.