#some yelling might persuade me to do a part two idk

[rosesradio]

may i ask why ppl hate caleo so much? I'm reading ToA rn so idk if it's based on stuff that happens there, but in HoO I didn't really catch anything that would make it this "don't touch with a ten foot pole" ship, yk?

/gen

Hi !! Thanks for sending this in. I feel like I and others have kinda gone through some things in the anti-caleo tag, but I'm gonna go through some of the reasons with as much textual evidence and objectivity as possible. (minus my inevitable unorganized rambles, they're contextually relevant, stop looking at me--)

That being said, this is completely a matter of opinion, as all shipping is. I don't mean to say that you are "allowed" to ship or that you're "stupid" for shipping xyz, I couldn't care less what you ship--let's all just be nice to each other.

That being said, let's start with the two most common reasons why most people dislike caleo:

1.) the age gap

2.) their "bickering to lovers" dynamic is not written well/they seem to dislike each other/etc

The easier one to start with would be the age gap. Now (warnings for rent-lowering gunshots around my blog), I meant what I said when I said I don't care about ships. Most of my beloved mutuals ship the nastiest shit imaginable, and I am very anti-censorship (but that's several other posts). I generally have preferences for healthy ships when it comes to a Fluffy Endgame (dark fics with toxic ships are different to me).

That being said, I don't typically enjoy ships with a large age gap, and most other people find them unappealing as well. I could be persuaded with some (nipollo and rachel/apollo, i'm looking at you), but caleo just kinda grosses me out in this regard, probably due to other aspects of their relationship.

(Some people say she's "mentally fifteen", but I don't really buy that--if she were like a faerie or something, maybe, but I see her more as Edward in Twilight--looks young but has wisdom beyond her years. There's no definitive answer on this so it's not something I would like to debate (none of this is lol) but I thought I would mention it anyways.)

Although your question is about ToA, I'm only going to cover HoH through the first ToA book, because I'm still reading through the ToA books (though I know the big spoilers). I know caleo takes on a bigger role in the second book so i might come back and do a part two to uh...complain about their dynamic more? lol

so, without further ado--

The House of Hades

So, this is the first impression we get of Calypso from Leo's perspective--the highlights to keep this from being 1 million years long (it still will be lol)--

"She looked maybe fifteen, about Leo's age, and, sure, she was pretty; but with that angry expression on herface she reminded Leo of every popular girl in every school he'd ever attended—the ones who made fun of him, gossiped a lot, thought they were so superior, and basically did everything they could tomake his life miserable.Leo disliked her instantly.

---

The girl clenched her fists. Leo was pretty sure she was going to march down the crater and punch him in the face.

---

"Show yourself!" the girl yelled at the sky, completely ignoring Leo. "It's not bad enough I am exiled? It's not bad enough you take away the few good heroes I'm allowed to meet? You think it's funny to send me this—this charbroiled runt of a boy to ruin my tranquility? This is NOT FUNNY! Take him back!""

--pg 213 of The House of Hades pdf.

Now, keeping in mind that I read this for the first time at 13 and he was my book boyfriend (Or Whatever), I was not a fan of this, but even now that I've grown out of that, this still rings unfavorable to me.

He compares her to his bullies, the ones who made fun of him and created insecurities within him. And, making no effort to clear her name from this association, what is one of the first things she does? Screams at the gods for sending someone so conventionally unattractive. One of Leo's biggest insecurities in the books is not being as conventionally attractive or built as the other guys in the seven. One of his other insecurities is not having a girlfriend when everyone else is coupled up. So the solution is not to have him learn self-love and/or the love of friends, but to instead give him a girlfriend--the build-up time of which is short and intense. Not only that, but his love interest insults one of his biggest insecurities.

We're off to a great start.

Of course, I can't really blame Calypso for being pissed about the wreckage and about being sent another hero instead of being freed from the island. I would be pretty pissed, too, but she still treats him pretty badly, seemingly because he's not the "right" hero.

(For this next bit I am going through their time together in House of Hades and just noting anything that rings as a red flag to me--which is not a stretch as it's pretty much every other line lol. The brackets [] add context for dialogue, the parentheses () is my commentary, though most of these speak for themselves imo)

""Oh-gee-gee-ah." The girl pronounced it slowly, as if Leo were five years old.

---

She looked like she was about to answer but stopped herself. "It doesn't matter. You'll be gone soon. You're obviously a mistake."

That was harsh, Leo thought.He'd spent enough time thinking he was a mistake—as a demigod, on this quest, in life in general. He didn't need a random crazy goddess reinforcing the idea

---

"What am I supposed to do, then? Sit in the sand dunes until I die?" [Leo asked]

"That would be fine...." The girl threw down her trowel and cursed at the sky. "Except I suppose he can't die here, can he? Zeus! This is not funny!"

---

She looked the same age as him, but he wondered how old she really was. (age gap thing, delicious!)

---

"Would you be sweet," [Calypso said], "if they laughed at you by sending another hero, but a hero who looked like—like you?"

---

"Three thousand." Leo's mouth felt tingly, like he'd just eaten Pop Rocks. "Uh, you look good for three thousand."

---

"And now...the worst insult of all. The gods mock me by sending you." [Calypso said]

Anger bubbled in Leo's stomach.Yeah, typical. If Jason were here, Calypso would fall all over him. She'd beg him to stay, but he'd be all noble about returning to his duties, and he'd leave Calypso brokenhearted. That magic raft would totally arrive for him. (heartbreaking to hear about leo's insecurities but also...he is so gay for jason jdskjfs--)

But Leo? He was the annoying guest she couldn't get rid of. She'd never fall for him, because she was totally out of his league.

---

Despite the gifts, Calypso obviously didn't want to see him. One time he poked his head inside the cave and she freaked out, yelling and throwing pots at his head. (how to treat an abuse survivor 101)

Yeah, she was definitely on Team Leo. (this honestly just reminds me of the Echo scene and, honestly, I'd ship him with Echo Big Time over calypso)

He ended up pitching a more permanent camp near the footpath, where the beach met the hills.That way he was close enough to pick up his meals, but Calypso didn't have to see him and go into a pot-throwing rage.

---

"They are completely fireproof," Calypso promised. "They'll stay clean and expand to fit you,should you ever become less scrawny." (the prev part about her repairing the clothes was actually sweet in a platonic way...could have gone without the body-shaming !)

---

Then he remembered that this annoying fifteen-year-old girl was actually the immortal daughter of a Titan."

--pages 214-227 of The House of Hades pdf

Now, at this point I'll say that their relationship actually becomes quite sweet once they get past the frankly horrible section of time where they want each other to die. They're both lonely, they come to some understanding...I suppose this is a matter of opinion, but the romance aspect does feel forced. Time is different in Ogygia so it's hard to say how long Leo was there, if I were to estimate I'd say 3 weeks, but given that it's like 19 pages (and the text is larger on the pdf copy lol), it does feel rushed. Man do I wish they went for the platonic angle, but Richard could never.

The Blood of Olympus

Everyone's favorite book! lmao.

Now that our lovebirds are in Lovebird Territory (i guess), the amount of toxicity dwindles, but let's bite:

"'Sit tight, Sunshine,' he told Calypso's picture. 'I'll get back to you, just like I promised.'

Leo could imagine her response: 'I am not waiting for you, Leo Valdez. I am not in love with you.And I certainly don't believe your foolish promises!' The thought made him smile. (I guess this is supposed to be sarcastic, but way to reintroduce the concept of her really not liking him?)"

--pg 64 of The Blood of Olympus pdf

So, most of this book has mentions of Calypso from Leo's pov, and I gotta say (forgetting entirely that this doc is supposed to at least try to be subjective)...they neutered my boy. I often don't reread past MoA because of the caleo content, though what glimpses I've seen shows that his pov has experienced a massive shift. I think having so little page time and such an intense relationship buildup causes some readers to dislike how fundamentally she alters Leo's pov.

Additionally, I've seen some posts about Leo's suicide ideation. That is not something I want to go in depth about on this post, but I did want to draw attention to this excerpt I caught:

"Now the Argo II was approaching the end of its voyage. Leo's whole life – his childhood with Tía Callida; his mother's death in that warehouse fire; his years as a foster kid; his months at Camp Half-Blood with Jason and Piper – all of it would culminate tomorrow morning in one final battle.

He opened the access panel. Festus's voice creaked over the intercom.

'Yeah, buddy,' Leo agreed. 'It's time.'

More creaking.

'I know,' Leo said. 'Together till the end?'

Festus squeaked affirmatively.

Leo checked the ancient bronze astrolabe, which was now fitted with the crystal from Ogygia. Leo could only hope it would work.

'I will get back to you, Calypso,' he muttered. 'I promised on the River Styx.'

He flipped a switch and brought the navigation device online. He set the timer for twenty-four hours.

Finally he opened the engine's ventilator line and pushed inside the vial of the physician's cure. It disappeared into the veins of the ship with a decisive thunk.

'Too late to turn back now,' Leo said.

He curled on the floor and closed his eyes, determined to enjoy the familiar hum of the engine for one last night."

--pg 224 of The Blood of Olympus pdf

I'm not going to draw any definitive conclusions on the subtext of this or his plan with the physician's cure, but I will say Leo definitely needs therapy and the support of his friends over his want of a girlfriend. (And I'd say this regardless of ships--even if it were my beloved valdangelo. If Leo's mental health isn't addressed, it just makes it seem like a lazy fix-all)

I'm not going to pretend to be the best writer or understand character arcs better than our good friend Richard, but I think one of the reasons why Leo's character arc failed in this final installment is that Leo got what he wanted instead of what he needed. The best character arcs will display what a character wants, but by the end of the journey, a character will realize what they really need.

For example, in Gravity Falls (great show btw), towards the end of the series, Mabel wants to stay in a magical bubble created as a trick by Bill Cipher so she can stay in Gravity Falls forever. In the end, however, she realizes that what she really needs is to go back home to California with her brother, where they can get through high school with the support of each other.

If Leo had undergone an arc in which he really wants a girlfriend, but later realizes he needs to love himself first, that would have been really great and nice for kids to see that they don't need a significant other to make them whole.

Additionally--surprisingly--there were no glaring red flags for the rest of this book. They have a general vibe of "she doesn't really like him and he's a silly little guy" that I feel like is just rick pulling a "can I copy your homework?" with percabeth but it came out Wrong, but that's a matter of opinion.

ToA: The Hidden Oracle

""Here you go." Leo handed her a glass of lemonade. His expression seemed darker and more anxious, as if...Ah, of course. Leo had rescued Calypso from her prison island. In doing so, Calypso had lost her powers. Leo felt responsible."

--pg 239 of The Hidden Oracle pdf

This seems like something they'd have to work through, which is possible, but also a very intense thing to put on a relationship between an already traumatized 16 year old (and his over 3000 year old girlfriend, etc.) I suppose if this was written through in a thoughtful way I'd understand, but it's kind of one of those things that makes me look at them and go...realistically, at best I see them lasting 6 months to a year.

(tbh a lot of the ships outside of percabeth don't seem to have that...well, percabeth longevity--i mean just look at how jiper broke up. not that Richard would break caleo up atp, of course...unless...)

Final Thoughts (unless I return after finishing ToA but no promises)

And so, we conclude. I think I learned some stuff by revisiting canon instead of just remaining amongst online fandom & my memory of canon. Honestly, I can see why people would like this ship--I still hate it the most out of any pjo ship, but I gotta admit it had its sweet moments. Just as I pointed out red flags and had opinions stated as subjective, other people could point out what they consider green flags and why they think the ship is great.

To conclude (my English teachers quaking in their boots rn), myself and other caleo haters dislike the ship due to the age difference, the rushed nature, and the enemies to lovers dynamic being written in a way that ultimately gives the energy that our love birds do not like each other. I hope this dive into the foundation of their relationship clarifies some of these things for you, and thanks for the ask!

[ofendlesswonder]

Cat’s glued to her phone as she makes her regular morning stop off at the coffee shop that sits one block from the Daily Planet, frantically jotting down some thoughts about her latest article before they flee her mind.

It’s early, so there’s no queue, and she doesn’t look up as she stands behind the counter, the correct change already in hand.

“Latte, please,” she says, before the barista has the chance to ask for her order, and maybe it’s impolite but Cat, as always, is in a hurry, “make it hot.”

“Yes, ma’am.” The term makes Cat narrow her eyes, but she’s in the middle of an important sentence so she doesn’t berate them, just hands over her money and moves down to the other end of the counter to wait for her drink to be handed over.

“I’ve got a piping hot latte for the woman who never looks up from her phone?”

That makes Cat glance up, ready to snap something uncomplimentary, but the words die in her throat when she locks eyes with the grinning blonde behind the counter. She’s gorgeous, her blue eyes sparkling with mirth, and it isn’t often that Cat is rendered speechless but pretty women have always been her weakness.

“Ah, so you can separate yourself from your screen.” She hands over Cat’s drink, and Cat would swear that she felt sparks when their fingers brushed if the idea wasn’t ridiculous.

“I have important work to do.”

“Every single morning?” The woman asks, raising a disbelieving eyebrow. “I find that hard to believe.” She’s relaxed, her hands resting on the counter, and it’s really not fair, how cute she looks in that hideous uniform.

“You don’t know what I do,” Cat replies, her voice haughty, but it’s hard to inflect her usual iciness when she’s faced with such a disarming smile. “And do you know I’m like this every morning?”

“Because I’ve worked this shift for the past five weeks,” comes the reply, the woman smirking now, “and I’ve served you that latte every single day.”

“That’s not true,” Cat blinks, because there’s no way she’s been in the vicinity of this goddess and not noticed her.

“Uh-huh. You come in, I take your order, I hand you your drink, you leave without looking at me. It’s very bad for my self-esteem.” She’s pouting, just a little, and god damn it, that shouldn’t be so adorable.

“I wish I had noticed you sooner,” Cat murmurs, letting her eyes run down the slope of the baristas neck and over defined collarbones – it’s not subtle, but Cat has never been. “Believe me.”

“Oh yeah?” She’s smirking, now, and Cat wants to wipe it off her face, to gain the upper hand.

“Do you flirt with all of your customers?”

“Just the cute blonde ones.”

Cat opens her mouth, ready with a retort, but the bell above the door dings as another customer walks in. The pout returns to the baristas face, and Cat knows that their conversation is going to be cut short – and besides, she should really be sat at her desk already if she wants to continue to one-up Lois Lane.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, lady who never looks up from her phone,” the barista says, smiling as she starts to turn away.

“You can call me Cat – it’s much easier to say.”

“Alright, Cat.” Cat likes the way she says her name, like it’s a precious gift that’s been bestowed. “See you around.”

Cat is halfway to the door before she realises that she never found out the baristas name.

She half-turns, smirks when she sees the barista watching her leave, and just about manages to read the name on the tag on her apron.

Kara.

It suits her.

//

There’s a spring in Kara’s step when she opens up the coffee shop the next morning.

She’d been admiring Cat from afar since the first day she’d walked in (how could she not? The woman was beautiful, walked with a confidence that Kara would never possess, and the tiny frown she got between her eyebrows when she was really concentrating on what she was typing was beyond adorable), waiting for the opportunity to talk to her, but it never came.

Yesterday she’d been possessed with the need to try and get the other woman’s attention, and it had paid off even better than Kara could have dreamed, and she’s already looking forward to their next interaction.

Except it never comes.

Cat always walks in at precisely 7:25 (never a minute early, never a minute later, and Kara has often wonder how she does it), but the clock hits eight and there’s still no sign of Cat, and Kara’s mood turns a little sour.

“What’s up with you?” Her co-worker, Winn, asks when he arrives for the start of his shift. “You’re usually so… peppy.”

“Nothing,” Kara lies, because it would be ridiculous to admit aloud – her crush has been growing for weeks, but she’s only spoken to the woman once, after all – tries to distract herself by chatting away to the rest of the customers she has, but none of them give her the same exhilaration as talking to Cat had.

She’s in the back room on her break when Winn sticks his head through the door. “Hey, sorry to disturb you, but there’s a woman out here asking for you – apparently I don’t look like I can make a latte that’s up to her standards.”

“I’ll be out in a sec,” Kara says, chuckling, because she’s pretty sure she knows who’s going to be standing on the other side of the counter.

Sure enough, she comes face to face with Cat (who, for the first time in five weeks, hasn’t got a phone in her hand), her hands on her hips and her lips twitching into a smile when her eyes meet Kara’s.

“I thought when you didn’t show up this morning that I might’ve scared you off yesterday,” Kara murmurs when she hands over Cat’s drink, keeping her voice low to avoid Winn – who out of the corner of her eye, she can see shooting them curious glances – overhearing.

“Not at all.” Cat’s eyes are apologetic as she leans a hip against the counter, and Kara is glad that it’s quiet, that she can focus her attention on Cat, and she’s wearing a blouse with an extra button un-done and the expanse of creamy skin it reveals is distracting. “My boss sent me across town this morning for an interview.”

“Ah, yes, that important work you keep mentioning.”

“I’m a reporter.”

“You work for the Daily Planet?” Kara walks past the building every morning on her way to the coffee shop. “My cousin’s an intern there. Clark?”

“He’s very nice, but his taste in women is appalling.” Cat’s nose wrinkles in distaste. “Luckily, that doesn’t seem to run in the family.” There’s that confidence again, a lazy smile on Cat’s mouth, and Kara wonders what it would feel like to lean over the counter and kiss it away.

“I have exceptional taste in women,” Kara replies, and behind her, she hears Winn drop something, turns to find him hastily looking away.

Kara isn’t usually this bold, doesn’t know where it’s come from, but Cat makes her want to be, brings it out of her, and she’s glad that she’s able to pull it off without making a complete fool out of herself.

Or so she hopes, anyway.

The shop is getting a little busier, and it’s with some sense of regret that Kara realises she should probably give Winn a hand instead of flirting with Cat.

“I should probably,” she gestures behind her with her thumb, “get back to it. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Barring any emergencies, yes.”

“Bye, Cat.” Kara gives her a little wave, watches her go with a dopey smile on her face that quickly slides off when she turns and finds Winn waggling his eyebrows at her. “What?”

“What was that?”

“What do you mean?” Kara grabs a receipt and starts to make a cappuccino as Winn takes the next customer’s order.

“You know what I mean.”

“We were just talking.”

“Yeah,” Winn scoffs, “and having sex with her with your eyes.”

“I was not!”

“Oh, you were. And hey, I don’t blame you,” Winn says with a shrug. “She’s hot. If a little mean. She didn’t like my cardigan.” He tugs at the sleeve of it, and Kara doesn’t know how he wears it beneath his apron when it gets so warm behind the counter.

“They’re not for everyone,” Kara admits, because some of them are a little loud, but they suits Winn’s personality just fine.

“So, are you gonna ask her out?”

“I don’t know,” Kara shrugs, because harmless flirting is one thing but asking Cat out on her date is something else entirely. “What if she doesn’t say yes?”

“Kara, I saw the way she was looking at you,” Winn says, his gaze unusually serious. “There is no way in hell she’d turn you down.”

//

When Cat steps into the coffee shop the following Wednesday morning, she’s greeted with the melodic sound of Kara’s laughter, feels a twinge of irrational jealousy when she sees the easy smile on the barista’s face as she talks to a woman leaning her arms casually on the counter.

“Hey, Cat.” It’s been over a week since they first started talking, and Cat has enjoyed spending a few minutes talking to Kara each morning, and as she walks through the door, Kara turns to Cat with her usual radiant smile. “The usual?”

“With an extra shot of espresso, please.” The other woman doesn’t move, takes a sip from the cup in her hand and Cat eyes her warily as she stands beside her – she’s pretty, her brunette hair cut short and framing her face, and Cat wonders if she’s been an idiot, for thinking that she was the only customer that Kara flirted with.

Maybe she just wanted to get a bigger tip.

“Oh, crap.” The other woman glances down at her phone. “I’d better get going, or I’m gonna be late – you coming over for dinner tonight?”

“Of course.” Kara hands Cat her latte before letting the other woman pull her into a tight hug, and the kiss that she presses to the brunette’s cheek makes Cat’s stomach twist. “See you then.”

“Love you, have a good day!” Cat blinks after the other woman with something like betrayal sitting in her chest, and tries not to feel outraged when she turns back to Kara and sees an amused smile on her mouth.

“There’s really no reason to be jealous of my sister, you know,” she says, thinly-veiled glee in her voice, and Cat narrows her eyes into a glare.

“I was not jealous.”

“Oh, you totally were.” Kara’s eyes are sparkling. “It was cute.”

“How was I supposed to know she was your sister?”

“You could’ve asked,” Kara points out. “Isn’t that what you do, as a reporter? Ask questions?” She’s teasing, and Cat usually hates that but somehow, from Kara, she likes it. “Not jump to conclusions?”

“There was no jumping.”

“Please. If you had heat vision, I think Alex’s head would have exploded.”

“Would not,” Cat mutters, feeling a little embarrassed, and Kara’s laughter is music to her ears.

“It so would have.” Kara’s glee is infectious, and Cat’s never felt like this before, so drawn to a woman she barely knows, and she can’t believe that it’s only been a few days since they first spoke, because she feels like they’ve known one another for an eternity. “You got a busy day today? From my experience, an extra shot of espresso first thing in the morning usually has a reasoning behind it.”

“I had a late night,” Cat admits. “And a tight deadline.” She knows she works ridiculous hours, but she loves her job and she knows that one day, when she’s at the top of her media empire, it will pay off. “And I should probably be getting to the office to make sure my editor has no issue with it going to print,” she adds, when she glances at her watch – she’s usually at her desk by 7:30, but the temptation to linger and talk to Kara is overwhelming, and she’s been getting in later and later each morning.

Maybe she should start coming in earlier.

“And I should probably start getting ready for the morning rush.” Kara’s eyes are soft as she waves goodbye. “Have a good day, Cat. Enjoy your coffee.”

It seems like an odd comment to make, but Cat thinks nothing of it – until she sets her cup down and sits at her desk, and notices the words scrawled across the cup.

It’s a phone number, along with Kara’s name, and the sweet message ‘call me, if you want?’ with the letters seeming like they were written by a shaking hand.

Her smile is wide and stays on her face for most of the morning, prompting Lois Lane to ask her three times if she’s feeling okay.

//

Kara grins when she receives a message from an unknown number later that day.

I bet this is how you give your number to all of the girls.

She’s just finished her shift and is walking back to her apartment, and not even the light drizzle of rain can wipe the smile off of her face as she reads Cat’s words.

She’d been nervous about giving Cat her number, has tried to ask for it several times over the past week, has tried to ask her out several times, but she’s never quite had the courage, had thought that writing on the cup was probably a little cliché, but also her best bet of actually going through with it.

Only the ones I really like, she replies, and it’s easier to be bold when Cat isn’t standing right in front of her, even if waiting for the response is more than a little nerve-wracking.

I only flirt with baristas I really like, too. Kara reads the message as she’s going up the stairs of her apartment block, nearly trips and drops her phone, feeling like a teenager with their first crush as euphoria spreads through her body.

Want to hang out sometime? Somewhere that’s not at my work?

I’d let you come to mine but I think people would talk, and I have a reputation to uphold.

Oh yeah? And what kind of reputation is that?

Ice queen. Kara would find that hard to believe from her interactions with Cat, had it not been so long since the woman had actually noticed her.

She knows that it would be easy to interpret it as rude, but Kara thinks that Cat was just genuinely that involved in her work – she can see her passion for it, the drive to succeed, and she admires it, thinks it’s the same way she feels about art.

(She just wishes that it paid enough to be a full-time job, so she didn’t also have to be a barista, but then she supposes if that were the case, she never would have met Cat).

And I’d compromise that?

I don’t act like an ice queen when I’m around you. As much as they’ve flirted with one another, they’ve never directly alluded to having feelings, and Kara loves how candid Cat is being, that she’s so direct.

So, we’ve established that neither mine nor your workplace is suitable for a date – how about I take you out to dinner?

Who said it was a date? For a moment, Kara freezes, wonders if she’s misunderstood, or if Cat’s just teasing her.

Do you not want it to be a date? She taps her hands against the side of her phone as she waits anxiously for a reply.

I was kidding! Dinner sounds good. Friday night? It seems agonisingly far away, but Kara could probably do with a couple of days cushion to figure out where the hell she’d actually take Cat.

Sounds perfect.

[because-of-a-friend]

Enemies to Lovers!Jeonghan

MASTERLIST

One day I will come up with titles for my works lol. 

Hi Hannah!!!! Thanks for requesting! I loved doing this one! I went ahead and went with Jeonghan cuz I feel like he fits this trope best! Sorry you had to wait so long, this particular fic got deleted like... three times so it was a struggle lol. I hope it’s what you were looking for!

I hope this is a good one, I’m realizing I get real insecure about my writing anytime I’m not doing a bulletpoint or reaction fic, so I don’t feel great about this time. Also I only started recently putting actual detail into my kiss scenes and idk how I’m doing with those???? Like do they seem ok??? Also I feel like I make it so obvious that I am such a sucker for SVT having cute nicknames for siblings, friends, partners, etc in fics lol. Anyways...

Also, I really said: Jeonghan... but in different types of lighting

Remember I don’t own the gif! Link to OP is right there if you want to go give the creator some love!!!

Word Count: 5.2k

Warnings: Mentions eating, reader is using female pronouns (I will keep things gn unless you request differently), I think that’s it, pls let me know if I missed any

You’re not sure exactly how it happened. It was probably just an instance of getting off on the wrong foot, that led to more awkward interactions, giving both of you the wrong impression of each other. You knew this, you could rationalize it all. You were well aware that all it would take was one “I think we might have the wrong idea of each other” conversation and it would all be over. You could easily fix it all, but…

But his stupid smug face. The sarcastic jokes. The never-ending pranks that were not as funny as he thought they were. His ridiculous arrogance. His overall unapologetic nature towards all of it.

You couldn’t help but hate Yoon Jeonghan.

*****

“I don’t know, Wonnie…” you say uneasily over the phone. In previous years, you’d go over to the dorm without hesitation. You loved spending time with your brother and many of the other boys. But ever since you had officially met and begun interacting with Jeonghan…

“C’mon, [Y/N]! I bought that new game you were talking about! We can play it together on my gaming system!” Wonwoo began to persuade. You knew you’d give in; you always did. Your brother was far too sweet a person and far too comforting a presence to reject. The question was how long did you want to argue with him about going to the dorm.

You sighed, accepting defeat early to save time, “I’ll head over there in a bit.”

Wonwoo gives a small cry of victory, “Ok, I’ll have Gyu make extra ramen.” Wonwoo abruptly hangs up the phone right after, leaving you in silence to groan in regret of your decision.

You immediately straighten yourself out, though, trying to put yourself in a mindset of determination. What were you thinking? Just because you and that asshole didn’t get along meant you couldn’t go see your own twin brother without feeling uncomfortable? Screw that! If he wanted to keep the peace then he was going to have to start watching where he stepped around you. 

*****

You knocked loud and clear on the door of their dorm, knowing that with thirteen people living inside, it was usually too noisy for them to hear someone signal their arrival. To your relief, Seungcheol opened the door just moments after you knocked and greeted you with a warm smile followed by a hand sneaking into your hair to ruffle it, “Hey there, kiddo! How’s it hanging?”

“Just fine,” you tilt your head down slightly in his direction as you pass him to enter the dorm. “How are things here?” As soon as you ask, your ears are met with the noise of someone dropping something in the kitchen, followed by Seungkwan crying in alarm.

“Same as always, I supposed,” Seungcheol sighs, but his smile doesn’t fade. “I think Mingyu and Wonwoo are already in the computer room, if you want to go ahead and see them!”

“Ok, thanks Cheol!” you call as you both rush off in different directions, him towards the kitchen and you towards the small room that would provide you solace from the possibility of having to see Yoon Jeonghan.

You were determined not to let things go how they usually did: you with your mouth clamped shut as Jeonghan spoke whatever teasing words he had saved up for you, and the most you can do to fight back is by rolling your eyes and finding any way to get away from him.

This time, you would still avoid contact with him, but if it happened, you’d speak your mind and not care what he thought, since that’s how he treated you.

But there was no sign of him or anyone else as you walked to the computer room. You could hear Mingyu and Wonwoo yelling and cheering at the game long before you opened the door. It was pitch black inside, the piercing light of the screen making you squint your eyes.

The two men inside both turn immediately to check who offended their dark space with the soft, yellow light from the hallway.

“Oh [Y/N], you came!” Mingyu beams up at you. You nod, matching his bright expression.

“How’s the game?” you ask simply, looking up to your brother.

“We like it so far,” Wonwoo’s smile is wide, he always gets excited about new games, whether they’re good or not. He leans over to grab a can of some sort of energy drink before gulping it down. “We left some ramen for you over there on the table. Eat first, then I’ll let you have a turn.”

You roll your eyes, though Wonwoo was only mere minutes older than you, he found those moments to be enough leverage to order you around and act like you should be dependent on his care. There were times when he even referred to himself as “oppa” to you and insisted that you do the same.

Most of the time you let it slide, especially when you weren’t in the mood to argue. However, there were times when you’d pull out the “We’re the same age,” “Even if you’re older, I’m smarter,” or “Don’t boss me around when I’m more mature than you” cards at the drop of a hat.

“Can you at least turn on the LEDs while I eat?” you ask, tip-toeing in the darkness towards the table at the back end of the room. You hear a click before a soft blue glow fills the room, finally giving you a clear view of your path. You pull the bowl of ramen towards you as you sit and resist the urge to comment on how little they left you. The dorm was filled with food anyways, you could find more later if you got hungry again.

Wonwoo and Mingyu begin to eagerly tell you what they like about the game as you eat. You listen happily, feeling safe in the presence of your brother and friend.

Then of course…

“Hey you two, Cheol wanted me to remind you that we have to get up early tomorrow,” you can’t help the sour expression that comes over your face as Jeonghan enters the room to speak to Wonwoo and Mingyu. “Oh, hey there cutie, I didn’t know you were here!” His smirk makes you sick.

“Don’t call me that,” you say bitterly into the nearly empty bowl.

Wonwoo looks nervously between you and his bandmate, well aware of the dislike you have for him. He’s grateful that you’ve always kept it so civil, but still feels bothered by the unrest between you.

Jeonghan lets out a little giggle in response, and Wonwoo feels a tug in the pit of his stomach, he wishes Jeonghan wouldn’t be so hard on you sometimes. He knows his hyung doesn’t mean anything by it, but you…

You feel your heart sink as Jeonghan steps fully into the room, striding to sit across from you at the table. You can only stare in wonder at his audacity as he slides the bowl towards himself and finishes off the ramen in one bite.

“I was eating that,” you try to keep your tone measured, attempting to keep within the balance of standing up for yourself but not starting any drama that would affect the boys.

“Go make more if you’re hungry, then,” Jeonghan says casually, making your anger positively flare.

You don’t even give your brother the chance to mediate, jumping up from your place and leaving the room, wanting to be anywhere but around that prick.

*****

“You’re leaving already?” Mingyu pouts at you.

“Gyu, I’ve been here for hours,” you laugh, stretching out your fingers as they start to prick from pain of slamming into a keyboard for so long. You had returned to the computer room but only after Jeonghan left. Part of you had wished you had done more to confront him; another part was glad you didn’t start a fight and put Wonwoo in an awkward position. “Besides all of you, as well as me have to get up early tomorrow, it’s already late. I need to get back home.”

“You can stay here,” Wonwoo was quick to offer.

You shook your head at him, “Then I’ll just have to get up even earlier, I’ll go back to my place.” Wonwoo nods almost reluctantly, standing to walk you out.

All of you run into Joshua on your way to the front door, he turns out to be the only one smart enough to ask how you got there.

“Oh, I took the bus,” you say slowly, knowing this is about to cause issues.

“Well, the last one would have already stopped running by now,” Mingyu says looking at the time on his phone.

“I’ll give you a ride,” Josh offers immediately.

You bring your hands up to shake them back and forth, “No, no, I can find a way home, you all need to go to bed.”

“[Y/N],” Wonwoo speaks up immediately in that stern voice you hate but also can’t help but listen to, “let Josh take you home. It’s either that or you stay here, I won’t have you walking around alone at night.” Wonwoo waits a moment to gauge your expression. He finally nods affirmatively, before speaking directly to Joshua, “Take her home, please.”

Joshua nods before walking off to grab his keys. You and Wonwoo send Mingyu off to bed. Once you’re alone, your brother pulls you in for a tight hug. “Do you want me to say something to him?” he asks lowly.

You shake your head, “I don’t want to cause any problems with you guys.” You sit in silence for a moment. “Come and stay over with me sometime, I miss our sleepovers.”

Joshua comes back and Wonwoo pulls away, “Thanks, hyung. Please get her home safe.” For the second time that night, your hair gets ruffled before your brother disappears to go off to bed.

The ride home with Joshua is comfortable. He speaks kindly to you and makes you smile.

You begin to wonder how amongst all these angels, there exists a person like Yoon Jeonghan.

*****

Wonwoo used the new game as leverage to guilt you into coming over quite often in the following weeks. You hadn’t realized how much you had limited your time at the dorm until you started going consistently once more. It was nice being able to spend time with the boys again. You hated that Jeonghan had become such an unbearable presence that it affected your relationship with the rest of your friends.

But ever since you had started to stand your ground and talk back, he had finally begun to avoid you. You supposed it was only fun for him when you sat there and took it.

It didn’t stop the two of you from bickering when you saw each other, but now both of you preferred to avoid each other instead of Jeonghan seeking you out to tease you.

The following weeks of visiting were fairly comfortable. Whenever Jeonghan wasn’t around, you got to spend plenty of time with the other boys and your brother. Plus, the new video game was even better than expected.

Jeonghan’s presence slowly became uncomfortable in a different way.

Instead of being smug and overbearing, he became strangely quiet around you. His facial expressions became more serious as he sent genuine glares your way before letting out bitter remarks and going on his way.

It made you even angrier.

Who the hell was he to torture you all this time and then act like a kicked puppy when you finally fought back???

Your anger and his bitterness slowly escalated the tension between you two. Although they were happening less frequently, the arguments between you became more serious and almost hurtful.

Whatever, you told yourself, he could do as he pleased, you wouldn’t let it affect you anymore.

*****

You stared down at your phone screen. Why? Why did it have to be here, while you were at the dorm?

The call was only five minutes. They didn’t even do it in person. Of course, they had warned that because of hard times, there’d be lay-offs soon. But they couldn’t even do it in person? And all you got was a simple “Sorry, come collect your things on Monday”??? You were a hard worker, passionate about the job, more efficient than most of your coworkers and this is how they treated you???

A part of you could’ve guessed, many of the employees your age had gotten in because of nepotism. But you didn’t want to believe that they’d just brush off all your years of hard work just to avoid stepping on the toes of higher-ups who had relative connections hired at the company.

You squatted against the wall of the hallway, still too in shock to move.

So, you simply sat in silence, for what seemed like forever.

“You good?” you had never felt worse than the exact moment his voice reached your ears.

“Go away,” you said sternly, knowing you’d be crying soon.

“Geez, forgive me for asking,” Jeonghan responds before turning to walk away. He stops abruptly after you sniffle. “So, you’re not ok?”

“No offense, Jeonghan,” you say hating the way your voice is shaking, “but you are the last person I want to speak to right now.”

There’s a heavy silence for a long moment. You silently pray that he’ll just leave. “Do you want me to get your brother?” he asks lightly.

You shake your head, “No, I don’t want to ruin the mood. I’m going to go home, just tell him I had a stomach ache.” You push yourself up and begin to walk briskly towards the door.

To your surprise, Jeonghan reaches out to stop you. You stare at his hand wrapped around your arm and wonder if you’ve ever even allowed him to touch you before. “It’s already late, let me give you a ride.”

You pull his hand off of you, “No, thanks.” You grab your coat and start to dig around in your purse to make sure you have all of your belongings.

“[Y/N],” Jeonghan’s voice rings clear in your head despite your brain feeling fuzzy. You don’t want to look at him. Who is this person that’s showing concern and speaking kindly? You don’t like it. It feels fake. It feels like a predator playing with a wounded prey. You’re just waiting for him to laugh or make a remark or do anything to make you feel worse than you already do.

But Jeonghan simply grabs the keys laying on the front table, grabs your arm once more, and leads you out to the car.

*****

The ride is suffocatingly silent. You wished he’d at least turn on some music to cover up the sound of your crying, but you remained in the quiet. You rolled down your window and stuck your head out, letting the warm night air and sound of wind comfort you. Since you were turned away from him completely, you didn’t see Jeonghan glancing over at you throughout the drive.

You couldn’t have left that car faster when you finally pulled up to your apartment.

To your dismay, Jeonghan also gets out, apparently intent on walking you up.

“You don’t have to-” you start but abruptly stop when he gives you a look telling you an emotion you don’t quite understand.

Jeonghan finally speaks when you’re riding the elevator up to your floor, “I don’t really mean it, you know.”

“Mean what?” you say weakly, starting to feel the exhaustion from crying so much.

“When I talk to you like that… I mean when I’m… rude,” he trails off, running a hand through his hair. “Usually it’s just teasing, but obviously I went too far with you. And I didn’t realize it until you started showing how upsetting it was for you. I should’ve known before that, though.”

“You seemed ruder after I started talking back,” you say, confused.  

“I was just being petty and defensive. I kept telling myself things like: It’s her fault, isn’t it? She should have made it more clear from the beginning that it was upsetting her. How was I supposed to know? But that was just me being immature, I should’ve just talked to you.”

“Is that an… apology, Yoon Jeonghan?” you ask, letting yourself be a little smug.

For the first time, you get a genuine smile out of him, “Maybe.”

There’s more silence for a second.

“It’s a two-way road, though,” you say finally.

“What do you mean?” he asks.

“I mean, I could have also come and talked to you instead of letting things escalate,” you say. “I played some part in all of this… unpleasantness. You can’t entirely blame yourself.”

Jeonghan smiles again, reaching out to ruffle your hair the way Seungcheol always did. Then he takes a dramatic deep breath and rolls his shoulders, “There! That feels better, doesn’t it? We can finally be friends!”

You roll your eyes in a playful manner, but you feel it too, a weight has been lifted.

*****

Wonwoo showed up at your door in the middle of the night that night. You took one look at his frantic face and groaned, “I told Jeonghan I would tell you myself.”

“You should have told me immediately!” your brother pouts as he passes you to walk into your apartment.

“I didn’t want to worry you so late, especially when all of you were having a good time. I was going to tell you tomorrow,” you close the door behind him. You watch as he turns on the TV and starts picking through your pantry. “Hmmm, yes it seems quite clear that you came here out of concern for me,” you can’t help but use a sarcastic tone.

Wonwoo sends a glare your way as he grabs snacks and settles on the couch. You sit next to him, grabbing your fair share of the food. You try to keep your attention on the show, but the feeling of Wonwoo staring straight at you is distracting.

“I’m fine, you don’t have to worry,” you sigh.

“Really? Because Jeonghan described you as an emotional wreck,” your brother scoffs.

“I was just shocked and upset. I’ll be ok. I have a good resume, I can find a new job,” you insist.

“I keep telling you, you don’t have to work-”

“I don’t care how much you make,” you interrupt. “I’m not going to depend on you. It’ll just make trouble for both of us.”

“Will you at least let me help out if there’s any problems before you find a new job?” Wonwoo kicks at your leg.

“Like I would even tell you if I was having trouble,” you return his kick.

“You just can’t help but be difficult,” your brother complains quietly.

You let the sound of the show take over the room for a few minutes. “I do have good news,” you finally speak up, wanting to give your brother some peace of mind about something. “Me and Jeonghan made up. We figured it out.”

Wonwoo bolts upright with a grin on his face, “Really??? It’s really all good now?”

“100%,” you say, unable to stop yourself from pinching your brother’s cheeks, finding his excited expression cute.

“Let’s celebrate soon then! We can have a big gaming party with all of the boys!” You agree to your brother’s proposal. You feel content in this moment, knowing you’ll wake up in the morning in an uncomfortable position, immediately kick at his legs and tell him to get his stinky feet away from you.

*****

Your time at the dorm increases with the weight of you and Jeonghan’s rivalry being gone. You’re enjoying getting to know him as a friend instead of constantly walking on eggshells around him. Going to visit the boys is once again a happy and comfortable experience.

You hadn’t realized how much Jeonghan had affected you until you two had worked things out. The world felt light again and you could breathe, no longer in constant worry of possibly ruining things between your brother and his bandmates.

You hoped things would remain without complications for a long time.

*****

“Seungkwan, you should come with us!” you begged. “The carnival only comes once a year; you can’t miss it!”

“But it’s so crowded and there are screaming kids everywhere,” Seungkwan complains.

“Oh, whatever,” Soonyoung interjects. “You love it every time we go.”

Seungkwan gives Soonyoung a look that has you laughing through your mouthful of ramen. “Oh, shoot,” you say feeling liquid start to dribble down your chin. “Can I get a napkin?”

“Here’s one,” you hear Jeonghan’s voice as he enters the room. You reach out to grab the napkin as Seungkwan and Soonyoung continue bickering. But instead of handing it to you, Jeonghan extends his hand not holding the napkin towards you. His fingers come to lightly touch your chin and turn you towards him. Jeonghan wipes your face with the napkin himself, taking the time to make sure it’s really all clean. “All better,��� he smiles at you, running his thumb across your chin to check its cleanliness one last time.

As Jeonghan walks away, you turn to see if Seungkwan or Soonyoung saw what had happened. They were still arguing, though. The boys showing you physical touch or affection wasn’t really all that uncommon. But for some reason, the way Jeonghan had grabbed your chin just now… Why was your heart beating so hard?

*****

You couldn’t stop yourself from dragging Wonwoo all over the carnival. It was nice to get out in this environment, the lights, the laughter, the food, the games, the rides. You wanted to do everything, but not before you looked at all there was and took in the spectacle.

You could hear all the boys laughing excitedly behind you, you knew they’d want to try everything as well. You shook your head at Seungkwan’s bright expression, you couldn’t wait to play the ‘I told you so’ card later.

The night was a blur. All of you ran from games to rides to snacks and then all over again.

You couldn’t help but stop completely in your tracks as you passed a booth with a giant stuffie of your favorite animal as a prize. Your fascination with the plushie doesn’t go unnoticed.

“You want me to win it for you?” Jeonghan’s voice is suddenly speaking right into your ear. You jump after realizing he was right behind you. You grip your cotton candy a bit tighter and shyly nod. The way Jeonghan grins at you fills you with warmth.

You watch him walk over to the booth. His light hair and pink shirt were illuminated by the soft glow of the surrounding lights. Jeonghan takes his wallet out and hands some bills to the vendor. You step up closer to stand next to him as he plays the game. He laughs as he chats back and forth with the vendor. You watch in awe as Jeonghan clears the game, no problem.

“Anything from the top shelf!” the vendor exclaims happily.

“That one please,” Jeonghan points right at the stuffie you had been staring at.

“It’ll be a wonderful memory for your girlfriend,” the vendor smiles as he hands the prize directly to you.

“Oh, I’m-”

“Of course!” Jeonghan interrupts you almost instantly, wrapping an arm around your shoulders and starting to pull you away from the game. “We’ll cherish it for a long time! Thanks for the game!” The vendor waves kindly as you two walk away. After a moment, Jeonghan pulls his arm off of you, “Sorry, sometimes it’s just easier to agree than explain, you know?” You nod in agreement. “Wait a second,” he stops you by putting his hands on your shoulders and standing in front of you. Before you can ask what’s wrong, his hand comes up towards your face as it had earlier that day. He quickly swipes his thumb across your lips before pulling to back to show you remnants of your cotton candy. “Do you always eat this messily?” he grins and then, to your surprise, puts his thumb in his mouth to clean it off.

You stand there, frozen, unable to really comprehend what just happened as Jeonghan walks away towards the other boys.

“For the second time today?” Soonyoung is suddenly standing next to you.

“So you did see what happened earlier!” you exclaimed, hitting his arm lightly. “It was weird, right?!”

“Can’t tell yet,” Soonyoung replies cocking his head to the side and putting his hands in his pocket. “Sometimes Jeonghan is just sort of naturally flirtatious. But I’m not sure about you. I figured since you two didn’t get along at first, it’d take him awhile to warm up to you at that level. He seemed to get comfortable with you quite quickly.” Soonyoung turns and shrugs at you after his words.

“You’re no help at all,” you say emotionlessly. There’s a pause before both you and Soonyoung slowly look at each other and laugh at your quip.

You decide to brush off your new concerns about Jeonghan and enjoy this night with the boys. The vendor was right, it was a good memory, and you’re sure it’d last you for your whole lifetime.

*****

You hate yourself a bit for it, but you once again seem to be avoiding Jeonghan. He had made you so nervous that day, and the way your heart pounded… You didn’t want to get sucked into having a silly crush on him if he wasn’t actually trying to flirt with you.

No, from now on, interactions with Jeonghan would be friendly but short and appropriate.

You were stupid to think he wouldn’t notice.

It wasn’t long before there came a night when Jeonghan insisted that he be the one to give you a ride home. You couldn’t help the way your nerves spiked at his determination to be the one to take you. You knew he most likely wanted to talk to you about your sudden distance from him.

The ride itself was nice, Jeonghan rolled the windows down for you, remembering that you enjoyed the warm night air of summer. You talked comfortably with one another. Jeonghan was always able to make you smile so easily.

You couldn’t stop yourself from staring at him. He was just wearing a t-shirt and sweats but… His blonde hair being illuminated in the moonlight as he ran his hands through it and his bright smile as he laughed...

He really was beautiful.

Once again, Jeonghan came with you to walk you to your door. And once again, he finally spoke up in the elevator, “You’ve been avoiding me, sweetheart.” Your heart drops to your stomach at the nickname. “Is everything ok? Did I do something to make you mad again?”

You quickly shake your head and pull your hands up to shake them as well, “No! Not at all!”

“You sure?” he insists.

“Yoon Jeonghan, you really don’t think I’d tell you if you did?” you say.

He giggles, “Yeah, that’s true. You’d let me know the moment I messed up, wouldn’t you?” The elevator dings and opens up to your floor. You and Jeonghan step out together. “Is everything else ok, then? You don’t start avoiding people for no reason.”

You nod as casually as possible, “Everything is great.” Your tone isn’t convincing and Jeonghan nudges you. “I guess, I just got… nervous? I mean one moment we were like enemies and then the next we were suddenly really… close, and-”

“I made you uncomfortable?” Jeonghan’s voice is slightly panicked.

“No, you did nothing wrong! It’s all on me, I just got caught up in my emotions and-” you stop abruptly when you realize what you were about to do.

Jeonghan nods quietly as if to say he understands, but what it is he understands, you’re not sure. “Is it ok for us to remain close, or do you want me to back off?”

“I don’t want any more distance between us, but…” you trail off.

“But, what?” he prompts you again.

“I don’t want to get the wrong idea about anything…” you say, finally reaching your door.

Jeonghan watches as you slowly unlock your door and push it open, “You haven’t gotten the wrong idea about anything.” He avoids eye contact when you look up at him.

You’re shocked by his forwardness. But once he voices his thoughts out loud, you once again feel the feeling of a weight being lifted.

Jeonghan gestures for you to step inside, catching your arm once you fully pass him. He pulls you back to him, close enough for him to lean in and leave a quick kiss on your cheek, “Night, babe, I’ll see you later.”

You stand there, completely still, staring at your door that had shut closed in front of you. You can feel heat rise from the tip of your toes all the way up to your ears. You finally let yourself fall into a squatting position, covering your face with your hands, and letting out a squeal.

*****

Jeonghan invites you to meet up outside of the dorm. It’s a cute little coffee shop at a quiet part of the city. You’re already sitting when he walks in. Maybe one day, you won’t be completely caught off guard by his beauty… but today is not that day.

His whole person is bathed in the glow of the early morning light as he approaches you, the softest, most genuine smile gracing his face.

“No, don’t get up,” he says when you try to leave your chair, “I need to go off and order anyways.” Jeonghan leans down to kiss your forehead firmly. “I just wanted to come say hi first,” he whispers, holding your face close to his.

Your first date sets a wonderful precedent to the rest of your relationship. Jeonghan gets your heart racing with flirty comments and sweet touches. But he also makes you feel calm and content, easily keeping a smile on your face. You just feel… good throughout it all.

You insist on walking him back to the dorm, since they had schedules that day.

“So, we’ll be doing this again?” Jeonghan asks hopefully, as you reach the front door.

“Definitely,” you nod enthusiastically up at him, wondering how you had ever managed to despise the man that made you feel so whole and happy.

Jeonghan looks utterly happy and a tiny bit nervous as he stares down at you. His hand reaches up to brush back your hair before settling firmly against your face. Jeonghan looks at you so fondly as he leans in. His lips connect to yours… so softly… so sweetly. You can feel his nose nudge against your face to push it into a preferred position. He pulls back slightly after every little kiss to let out laughter so sweet, it sounds like it should be coming from the mouth of an angel. But he’s never far away for long, reconnecting to you quickly every time. You let him take the lead, allowing his lips to take care of yours, giving them the sweetest kind of attention. He pulls back for a moment longer to nuzzle his nose against yours, an action that has you gripping his shirt to keep him close. His hands keep themselves entertained by running across your face or through your hair.

He’s going back in to kiss you once again when he front door of the dorm opens, leaving you caught in the act. Wonwoo stares at you two for a long moment before making a single comment that causes you and Jeonghan to laugh.

“You know, when I said I wanted you two to have a better relationship, this isn’t exactly what I meant.”

[in-tua-deep]

Umbrella academy hogwarts au? I feel like 5 would be a slytherin. Would he be in a younger year than everyone else, kinda like in your pride and prejudice AU?

HMMM i think if i was ever to go for a real hogwarts au and not just gently dumping all the characters into the hp world for a laugh (they make it so easy with five’s mystery jump at the end of s1 lmao) then it would have to start from like. the very beginning and together. as Actual Kids.

(p&p au is a bit different bc it’s a no-powers-period-drama type au)

we’re not going to explain why hogwarts is getting some american kids bc i don’t have the brainpower rn to think of why. maybe reginald trained them in the US in this au and then moved them to the UK in the months preceding their debut for whatever reason which officially makes them a Hogwarts Problem now idk

lemme put this under a read more

so instead you have Five at like, ten-and-three-quarters years old. They’re scheduled to debut in front of the entire world very soon. Five has bruises on his skin and anger in his heart, even as young as he is.

(He’s not the worst off. Klaus has screaming nightmares and bags under his eyes so dark he looks like a raccoon. Ben hasn’t spoken a word in two weeks after his last special training session with their dad. Diego’s arm is in a cast where sparring with Luther went wrong a week or so ago.)

And Five is the curious child, the challenging child. He’s a constant buzz of need to know, have to know, have to move move move and part of that is knowing everything that’s going on in the house. With his power to jump, he knows all the good spying spots. He knows which rooms are above the others, knows which vents have sound that carry, knows the spots he can prop himself in and see but not be seen.

So when there’s someone knocking on the front door, Five sneaks into one such spot and looks - because no one knocks on their door, ever. Reginald’s door is never knocked upon by girl scouts or friendly neighbors or salesmen. It’s like, a rule. So he’s curious who it is, and he crouches down to watch and to listen.

Grace is the one who answers the door (Pogo tends to keep out of sight of guests, when he can) and offers the severe looking woman a dazzling smile. Five thinks she’ll be turned away, but Grace nods and gestures her inside and tells her to wait right there as she fetches Mr. Hargreeves - 

His dad comes, looking just as severe as the woman does and twice as intimidating. And then the woman opens her mouth to speak and - 

Magic?

Them?

A boarding school?

And Five doesn’t really think they’re magic. Yeah, unexplained things happen around them all the time (Klaus’s lightbulbs were constantly being replaced when he bolted out of a nightmare screaming and they blew or shattered or whatever) but that’s just part of their powers, right?

But a boarding school. That’s promising. Even if they aren’t magic or whatever, even if this school is for insane people - anything is better than here. And it’s not foster care, right? If it’s a school then there’s no issue of them being split up, being torn apart. They’re a family, and Five has been trying desperately to think of a plan to get them out since he was seven-and-a-half

Of course, Reginald says no. Denies everything. Refuses to acknowledge the woman and sends her out.

And Five has about three seconds for his quicksilver mind to run back over the conversation, to pick up on the woman’s bristling and comments about control and community and you can’t hide magic forever and -

Five jumps, in a flash of blue, and pops out in front of the woman outside. She startles with wide eyes. “What on earth - ”

“What happens if a magical child wants to attend but their non-magical guardians do not.” Five asks the woman, hands clenched into fists by his sides.

The woman stares at him for a long time, “It would depend on the circumstances - ”

That’s a bullshit answer if Five’s ever heard one, and he cuts her off. “If a magical child needs to be trained, could they achieve that going around a guardian? What are the laws concerning education?”

The woman looks over her shoulder, back towards the manor. She looks bemused that this tiny slip of a child is confronting her like this outside of the knowledge of his parents.

Five grits his teeth, because this is a low risk high reward situation. If the woman leaves - whatever, no skin off his back or however that saying goes. If she can get them out and going to this fancy boarding school so that they’re only within Reginald’s sphere of influence during the break times - well. 

Five has a hunch, and plays it without mercy.

“He’s not our biological father. He bought us. We have - we do things no else can do. Magic? He wants us to be superheroes. He’s got something planned, to show us off to the whole world. Us and our powers.”

If the woman’s face had gotten tight at the beginning of Five’s words, it’s aghast at the end of it. So Five is correct - if magic was real, then Five should have already heard about it. If it is and he hasn’t, that means that the magic people are exceptionally good at keeping secrets. 

Which means Reginald and his planned publicity works in Five’s favor. 

“I’ll see what can be done.” The woman says grimly.

But there’s something Five needs confirmation of, because it’s important. “If one of us goes, we all go.” He tells the woman, feet planted shoulder width apart and hands curled into fists with the thumbs on the outside. Ready for a fight. “We stay together.”

(Vanya doesn’t have powers, like the rest of them. But Five will be damned before he leaves her behind in this house by herself, not when Reginald hardly cares if she lives or dies.)

The woman blinks, waves her hand like that was never the problem. “There are seven children at this address, yes? If that’s all of you, you all have places at Hogwarts.”

Five, who was geared up to defend his position and smuggle Vanya with him in a suitcase if necessary, melts back. “There are seven of us.” Five says, cautious and careful, “But - yes. There are seven of us.”

(He almost tells her that Vanya isn’t magic, but if they think she is then he’s not going to try and persuade them otherwise. He’ll figure something out for later, when they realize she’s ordinary. He’ll find a way to fake magical powers for her or something.)

“I’ll be back.” The woman tells him, looking serious. Then she raises a stick in the air (what?) and something happens and she just - warps in place and vanishes. It makes Five jump back, startled.

What was that? That wasn’t - that wasn’t jumping. Not the way he does it. But - she vanished? There’s no blue light but it looks so much like what he does that he can’t help but doubt. Are there variations of his power? Are there lots of people who can jump?

Suddenly this whole ‘magic school’ thing is looking more like something exciting to look forward to instead of just a convenient escape route.

Five hovers for a few seconds, before jumping himself. It wouldn’t do to be found lurking outside of the manor when he isn’t supposed to be permitted outside at all, after all. 

He waits with baited breath until a week later he wakes up to yelling and scrambles for the door. He can see his other siblings coming out as well in the pajamas, all of them exchanging looks and agreeing as one to creep quietly to figure out what’s going on.

What’s going on isn’t quiet at all. There’s a dozen men and women downstairs, including the woman that Five spoke to the week before. They all looks very official, and they all have sticks like the woman did. Does. 

Reginald looks furious.

They’re all crouched in Five’s spot, the good one where if you stay still no one would notice you between the banisters but you get an unobstructed view. The key is if you stay still. One of them moves, or makes a noise, or whatever and one of the people’s eyes snap up to look directly at them.

They all freeze.

“You might as well come down here, children.” One woman says, looking distinctly unimpressed. “This involves you, after all.”

They look to Reginald, but he says nothing. He doesn’t even look at them at all, though they can see the muscle in his jaw tightening. 

The travel carefully down the stairs, single file, in order. Klaus and Ben hold hands as they go down, and Five looks back frequently to make sure that everyone is present, including Vanya. 

“I’m afraid,” The woman from the week before speaks up in her Scottish brogue, “That is has come to our attention that… your guardian can no longer provide you with the necessary education you require by law.”

She keeps going, explaining to them about magic. Five can see Vanya at the end of their little like, getting more and more pale by the second. Five heard most of this speech the day before, so it’s easy for him to duck out of their little line and bump Klaus and Ben over so that he can stand by her side.

He takes her hand in his, not caring about how Luther and Allison are shooting him looks. He squeezes tightly and, after a second, she squeezes back.

They’re in language classes with Grace together, so it’s easy to him to tap against her hand.

n-o g-o w-o u

Not going without you. Vanya is still pale, but she squeezes Five’s hand and stops looking like she’s going to pass out on the floor. 

“As such,” The woman is continuing, “You will be attending Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. You will be staying with me until the start of the term, during which time we will sort out permanent living arrangements.”

“We’re not coming back?” Luther demands loudly, looking frightened. Five would almost feel bad if he didn’t remember the fact that Luther was still recovering from a concussion from private training that he still would talk about. “But - what about dad?”

“Your father is not equipped to deal with magical children.” The woman tells them, actually quite diplomatically. Five can read between the lines though to where she’s actually saying this man is an abusive fuck who shouldn’t have been permitted to care for a cactus let alone seven entire human beings.

“We stay together?” Five pipes up, staring holes into the strangers in his house. “No matter what, we stay together, right?”

The woman inclines her head, “We will do our utmost to ensure it, Mr. - ”

She pauses for him to fill in his name, and he can feel the panicked look Luther is shooting him. He’s the worst one to ask for his name, because he gave up his chance for a name so Vanya could have one.

Luther is shaking his head, trying to get Five’s attention to signal him to not answer, but Five lifts his chin up high. He is not ashamed as he puts the final nail in Reginald’s coffin.

“Number Five. I’m Number Five.”

The expressions on every adults face are priceless and drive home just how not ordinary that is. Just how terrible it is to have a number instead of a name. Five doesn’t understand it - he likes his name, thank you - but that doesn’t mean he’s not willing to use it as a weapon to put another knife in Reginald’s back.

And that’s how, against some of their protests (mainly Luther, who protests leaving Reginald, and Diego, who protests leaving Grace) all of the kids end up in the house of “Professor McGonagall” who at this point is just. resigned to these kids being weird as fuck

(to be valid she first met Five apparently apparating with a) 0 training and b) without even a wand what the fuck)

They’re all just. Really confused? They all report for breakfast bright and early and McGonagall hasn’t even had her morning coffee yet and she’s just kind of like “yeah you kids do whatever, settle in and all that. we’ll go to diagon alley and pick up school supplies and all that later”

and it is bizarre. The kids stick close to one another, watch all the weird magic shit going down with careful eyes, and then they get their wands. Five almost has a fit because what if they find out Vanya isn’t magical and he’s about two seconds away from using his own shiny new wand (that had let out a bright blue light reminiscent of the one that came with his powers) when Vanya picks one up and waves it and manages to blast through three shelves.

The wand maker looks absolutely delighted at this destruction of the shop and all of them gape at Vanya because they were not expecting her to be magical. And clearly Vanya wasn’t expecting to be magical either, because she’s pale and shocked as the wand maker plucks the destructive wand from her hand and pops another one in.

All seven of them walk out with their brand new wands, and Vanya and Five hold hands tightly. Half in relief and half in alarm.

When they talk later, hushed whispers camped out in freshly transfigured beds, they come to the conclusion that some witches and wizards just need the stick to do things and that the rest of the Umbrella Academy is kind of weird. (McGonagall lectured Five at length about apparating and not doing it while he made various faces)

The kids survive until term starts and Professor McGonagall takes the to a train station and drops them off and tells them that she’ll see them at the school. They take up an entire compartment by themselves and talk at length about what magic school is going to be like.

Luther is still withdrawn and sullen over being taken away from Reginald, Diego is still sad about Grace, Allison has her head held high and is determined to make a good impression and finally meet some new people outside of her siblings, and Klaus is loud but in the way that means he’s anxious, Ben is speaking again but is still far too quiet, Five has read all of their schoolbooks already and is practically vibrating in place with the need to know everything and Vanya - 

Vanya is off her meds. She didn’t want Professor McGonagall to decide she was broken or not good enough or anything because she was on anxiety medication. Any mishaps within the McGonagall house have so far been chalked up to accidental magic (and some of it actually had been). This is important for later.

They change into their robes (just another uniform) and disembark and get to Hogwarts and stand in the Great Hall and listen to the Sorting Hat sing and then - it’s their turn to be sorted.

Luther is all Gryffindor bullheaded stubbornness and an insistence on what he thinks is right, proud and strong. Allison is Slytherin ambition and drive to her bones, clawing her way to the top and making sure she will stay there. Diego is Gryffindor impatience and need to prove himself, doing what is right even if it is outside the law. Klaus is Slytherin cunning and resourcefulness, sneaking out and getting what he needed under the nose of a tyrant (though since leaving the house, drugs have been noticeably absent from his possessions). Ben is Ravenclaw knowledge and hiding behind books, quiet words and hungry eyes. Vanya is Ravenclaw hard work and well gained knowledge, passion for her difficult art and determination to be good at something.

Five gets up there, and the Sorting Hat hums. 

Five is made of loyalty that could weather an apocalypse. He is a boy who had a power perfect for running away and keeping away, but who stayed because he couldn’t bear to leave his siblings. Five is a child who, every time he got knocked down, he got back up again. Five is a child who has hard work pressed into the marrow of his bones, who never gives up and never gives in.

Five is driven by knowledge and a need to know. His hunger consumes him, always pushing at boundaries that perhaps would be safer for his health to leave untouched. Always testing and twisting and seeking more. He is bright and smart and one of his very first words was why. 

Five is cunning and careful, twisting words and bending rules and scraping everything he can from a bad situation. He is the boy who had a split second to think, who jumped outside and confronted a stranger and went off of a hunch and won it all. The boy who had so few resources to work with, but twisted and pulled at them until they were enough. If getting his entire family out of Reginald’s house intact was not the very definition of ambitious, then nothing is.

Hufflepuff. Ravenclaw. Slytherin.

Choose your own adventure, choose your fighter.

Five would probably prefer Ravenclaw, in a house with two of his favorite siblings. Perhaps he would choose Slytherin, because Klaus is fragile and he doubts Allison will protect him and Five has always been protective of his family. 

(Klaus is stronger than the family thinks, away from the mausoleum and the memories. He’ll have Slytherin house wrapped around his finger before they know what hit them, will eventually fall in love with a Hufflepuff transfer student named Dave, will eventually be happy.)

Maybe Five is alone in Hufflepuff, a house too kind and too soft for the sort of jagged edges he has. But maybe that’s what he needs. Maybe he doesn’t need a house to sharpen his claws against, to sharpen his words or his mind. Maybe he needs somewhere safe, where people take his hand and show him how to tickle the pear to get into the kitchens and teach him how to play exploding snap and who look the other way when he sneaks out to visit his siblings at night.

(Whatever they can do outside of their wand waving, they discover, it isn’t magic. Or at least, not what the magical world seems to consider magic. They figure this out because apparently Hogwarts is warded against apparating within the grounds.

This doesn’t seem to stop Five.)

There’s so much that needs to be done. The wizarding world is still rebuilding. It’s 2000, scarcely three years after everything went down. 

Vanya’s “magic” seems to act up and no one can figure out why (even the family doesn’t realize it’s because she has non-magical powers like the rest of them. how could they? their entire lives Vanya had been ordinary.)

(when the revelation comes, Allison remembers her orders, remembers a small quiet room she was brought and told to say terrible things. They all weather the storm of Vanya’s fury together, magical shield summoned in a technique probably too advanced for their age but Ben is a natural until they finally managed to stun her. 

later, they all sit together in the hufflepuff common room, curled up on the sofas with mugs of hot chocolate stolen from the kitchens, regardless of if any of them are even in the house. at the very least Five has a talent for wriggling his way into areas he isn’t supposed to be in. they drink the hot chocolate, and contemplate their lives living with a man who would order something like that. 

they are grateful, even luther, of the turn their lives had taken. it would have been so very easy for McGonagall to walk away, to trust that they would be homeschooled or sent abroad or whatever. they are free, and they are thankful)

there is, of course, still the issue of what to do with the seven magical children once their first year comes to an end. they could stay with professor mcgonagall again, perhaps. despite being generally no nonsense, she’s always had a soft spot for the troublemakers (and the Hargreeves, despite best efforts, fall soundly into that category)

maybe they end up staying with some empty nesters. Molly and Arthur Weasely have no children left staying at home since Ginny moved out, and they’re used to dealing with large numbers of magical children. Diego would thrive under Mrs. Weasley’s attention even as he would feel guilty for loving anyone but Grace. 

maybe McGonagall calls in a favor, maybe she contacts her old students. She knows a boy who was an orphan himself, who knows what it means to be too skinny and too wary and to not want to go home at the summers. An orphan boy with wealth enough to take care of seven orphans with no problems, who would be glad to take on several wards if it was a favor to his old professor. 

(Harry Potter is only 20, but the war aged him. Aged all of his generation, really. There are lots of orphans in the wizarding world, and he is one of them.)

or maybe their arrangements are something else entirely.

The important thing though, is that despite everything they stay together. They might not have the Academy anymore, they might not belong to Reginald, but they are family and they stick by one another.

They protect one another, through means both magical and not.

(If you think Diego is giving up his knives, you are very incorrect about that.)

[peters-starks]

NUMBER NEIGHBOUR

Peter Parker x Reader 

Summary: when texting your number neighbour you got more than you bargained for. 

Word Count: 4,059

Masterlist

The recent trend on Twitter of people texting their “number neighbour” the person who has the same phone number as them but with one number difference had become really popular in the past few days, so much so even the majority of your friends had now done it. So, when you were having a chill night in with two of your friends and they tried to persuade you to text your number neighbours you really weren’t surprised.  

“Guys I’m not going to do it what if it’s some weirdo and they probably won’t even reply so it’ll be pointless” you chucked and shook your head. 

“Come onnnn this movie is so boring and we’ve both already spoken to our neighbours so it’s your turn!” Your best friend, Merise, wasn’t wrong, this movie was like a YouTube comedy remake of an actual horror movie and frankly the acting was beyond awful. 

“What happened to typical fun games like truth or dare” you yelped as your other friend, Amara, threw a pillow at you 

“Just do it” they groaned at you going to reach for another pillow making you put your arms over you in defence whilst laughing

“Okay okay! I guess I have no dignity left to lose!” 

All your friends gathered around your phone as you typed in your phone number and changed the last number at the end and selected the message option. You typed out a simple “hi” and then clicked send. 

“Hi? Hi! That’s so boring” Amara groaned and Merise pinched her side 

“What else were they gonna say?” 

You shook your head at your overly energetic friends and stared at your screen for a moment longer with nothing happening. “I told you there would be no resp-”your words were cut short by a notification noise coming through and Merise grabbed your phone laughing. 

UNKNOWN: hi? Who is this? 

You groaned and watched as Merise tapped away and the sound of a message being sent shortly followed. 

Y: I’m your number neighbour! Have you seen the trend online? 

Your eyes widened at this. “OMG what if they’re like 90 years old? Or like 8? If they’re like underage isn’t this illegal I mean” you typed as you rambled your friends watching you in amusement. 

Y: unless you’re like not online which is super fine and if you’re like really young then ignore this aha :) 

“Honestly I don’t understand how your level of awkwardness can project through a screen that hard like I’m getting awkward radiation poisoning from this” Amara gaped at you making Merise chuckle and mumble something in agreement along the lines of ‘it’s not that deep’.

~|~

Peter was perched on his favourite rooftop taking a break to view the New York skyline at night, this being one of the reasons he loved patrolling in the evenings as nowhere else could you see this view. His phone vibrating caught his attention and he assumed it was Aunt May asking when he would be home as she was probably fretting about him swinging across the city, still not completely loving his new role but all the same supporting him to an endless amount. 

Peter’s eyebrows furrowed when he saw an unknown number on his phone screen and swiped to open the message seeing a simple “hi”. The number looked vaguely familiar but at this point Peter was far too tired to place it. He replied cautiously and waited for the mystery person to answer him. 

When his phone vibrated again he was mildly surprised by the two messages. His number neighbour! Peter secretly loved that trend online much to MJ’s dismay as she found it ‘pointless’ and had sent her number neighbour links to government conspiracies when they had text her to which she had no reply. Peter thought she just didn’t like the trend because she was upset she didn’t make a new conspiracy friend. 

P: ohhhh, of course I know, hey neighbour! And don’t worry I’m not really young 

P: well that depends what you class as really young, 13 is pretty old right? 

P: lol kidding 

Peter face palmed himself at that, god he was such a dork. 

Y: Idk 13 is quite young when you’re 65 

Y: I’m not actually 65 tho don’t worry 

Y: how old actually are you tho lol 

Peter smiled slightly sensing your mild anxiety at texting a stranger and honestly it was most the reason he hadn’t done it yet because knowing his luck he’d message a child and have some very unhappy parents at his door. 

P: I’m 18 wbu 

Y: snap! 

P: thank god! Are you from New York? 

Y: yup lived here for a couple of years now, I take it you are too? 

P: Queens 

Your two friends squealed as you found out this stranger lived surprising close to your apartment. 

“Ask them their name! We might know them considering they’re so close” Merise squealed slightly. Honestly you just thought she was like a puppy who was excited to meet new people. 

Y: so neighbour what’s your name if you don’t mind me asking? 

Peter hesitated at this for a second as even though his identity was hidden, only those the very closest to him knowing him as Spider-Man, giving his name to someone over text who literally could be anyone seemed risky. However, he doubted that any random government agent or evil bad guy would know of number neighbours or be able to joke around so easily. 

P: Peter, what’s yours? 

Y: Hi Peter from Queens, I’m y/n.

Amara braced herself for Merise’s literal yell at finding out the person you were texting was not only the same age and from nearby but also A BOY. 

“I BET he’s cute, he seems nice over text and dorky so he’s gotta be cute ugh” Merise winked at you after her small speech and you simply rolled your eyes. 

“I’m sure he is, if he’s who he says he is” you started staring at your screen waiting for his reply. Time passed and after 40 minutes you gave up on checking your phone screen every 10 minutes waiting for Peter to answer you. He probably got bored of texting a stranger which you wouldn’t blame him. The internet came up with weird trends. 

Just as you let your friends out as it was way past the time they were supposed to leave as you had school the next day, your phone had another text notification.

P: hi y/n :) 

You smiled faintly at this because Merise was kind of right, Peter sounds like a bit of a dork. 

Y: do you go to school in New York? 

Y: that’s if you’re in school aha 

P: yea I go to Midtown actually 

Your eyes widened slightly as that was Amara’s school whilst you and Merise went to one a couple miles away from Midtown. 

Y: no way! My friend goes there. You must be pretty smart. I go to the next school over. 

P: nice! Guess we really aren’t too far away then. 

A few hours passed and you and Peter were still texting back and forth, knowing you both really should be asleep but the conversation flowed so well that time passed without any realisation. Which you both paid for when school started the next day.

Y: I.am.so.tired.

P: I literally slept through 3 alarms and coffee isn’t working. Help. 

Y: at least you don’t have a bio test today I’m honestly screwed. 

P: if you need bio help I’m actually kind of a nerd with that stuff. Text me the questions secretly ;)

Y: oh yea totally not noticeable. 

You smiled and rolled your eyes at Peters texts catching Merise’s attention. “Still texting Queens boy, are we?” She nudged your shoulder and winked at you. 

“Maybe I am” you tried to answer with a straight face but honestly it was difficult. 

Throughout the day, you and Peter exchanged small texts here and there, both your friends seemed to notice you being glued to your phones more than usual. 

When school ended, you went home and tried to get your school work done but honestly nothing was going in so you opted for aimless scrolling for a while. The top of your newsfeed was an alert of Spider-Man ending yet another Robbery only a few blocks away from your apartment which usually you took no notice of but it was the bank your parents used so it caught your attention more than usual. 

Y: yknow I think I’m going to need that study help, literally everything is distracting me. Including bank robberies! Not even Spider-Man can save my grades this semester. 

P: you never know, Spider-Man is probably pretty good at bio. 

Peter laughed at himself, inside jokes about his identity really were the only enjoyable part about hiding himself from the people around him. He was sat back on the rooftop from last night trying to rest up his side as he took a pretty hard blow from one of the robbers and certainly has a bruise. He remembered Ned saying a solution to help bruising the other day and decided to ask him and without looking dialled. 

“Hello?” 

Ok. So that isn’t Ned. 

“Peter is that you...” 

When you saw peter was ringing you it confused you but you did ask him for study tips so maybe he was saving your ass via phone call. 

Peter froze when he heard your voice, checking his phone and seeing “y/n” on the screen. God, he must’ve selected your contact instead of Neds since he was thinking about you. 

“Oh um hi sorry I meant to phone my friend about some bruise stopping thing but I must’ve called you by mistake” 

“Bruise stopper?” You cocked your head in confusion. “Do I even want to know” you chucked slightly. Hearing Peters actual voice was kind of weird but as much as you hated to admit it even his voice sounded cute to you. 

“Ah um I kind of ran into a wall aha yea like super hard” Peter literally wanted to dive bomb off the roof top, god his awkward rambles always revealed too much. And a wall?? Who’s going to believe that.

“Right a wall... clumsy I take it” 

“Yeah you could say that” peter laughed lightly. 

“Well don’t ask how I know this but cold compress it on and off and apply Arnica gel a few times a day and Aloe if you want to be extra careful” 

Peter raised his eyebrows in surprise a thought going through his head that you weren’t some secret vigilantly too or worse maybe some villain. “I won’t ask don’t worry but um thank you” 

You smiled gently “you’re welcome Peter from Queens” 

“Well i guess if you’re curing my bruising you can call me Peter Parker instead of Peter from Queens” 

“Well Peter Parker, y/n y/l/n” 

Peter smiled more until his cheeks hurt under his mask as you carried on speaking to each other, hearing your voice somehow made you more real to Peter and speaking to you was relaxing. You didn’t know him as Peter Parker quiet nerd from Midtown or as the rookie avenger that kind of went to space and saved the world but also helps old ladies cross the road. You knew him as Peter, number neighbour and hopefully at this point friend. Getting to know someone new was really a breath of fresh air. 

It was getting late again and honestly you don’t think you can go another day of school with next to no sleep no matter how much you loved speaking to Peter. And so you and peter began to say your goodnights. 

“It was really nice speaking to you today Peter, like actually speaking to you” 

“Yea it was really nice speaking to you too... maybe we can do it again sometime?” 

“You can call me whenever, especially if you are gonna help me with studying orrr if you need anymore bruises to heal” you smiled as you spoke, the tiredness etching into your body slowly. “Well, goodnight Peter Parker” 

“Goodnight y/n” 

Over the next two weeks you and Peter spoke every single day, most the time through texts and mainly through meme’s as well as evening phone calls. Sometimes Peter would have to leave the call abruptly with weird excuses which made you suspicious, Merise said it’s probably a girlfriend he doesn’t want you to know about but Amara shut that down saying that she doubts it. Amara also went to midtown with Peter but had no classes with him and barely knew his face, she said her friend said he was probably the guy with the Stark internship. When you asked Peter about the internship he got nervous and stuttered a lot which confused you but you convinced yourself it was because there was lots of Top Secret Avengers stuff he had to be careful with. 

“I’m so jealous you get to work with the avengers y’know? I’ve always loved those guys, like how cool would it be to have some kind of power and be able to save people?” You gushed to Peter one evening which honestly made him blush a bit. You were a bit of a superhero nerd too. 

“Yea it must be pretty cool” Peter tried to keep the tone in his voice even but Karen quickly informed him that his voice indicated excitement and anxiety. 

“Have you met many avengers? Have you met Thor? He’s a literal god I mean even meeting Tony Stark alone must have been amazing I’ve always found him so interesting like he’s was so clever and he saved us all like literally! Oh god and SPIDER-MAN he’s just so cool because he’s like our thing you know? Like a New York special hero” you were also blushing as you spoke realising you were fully geeking out to a guy you’d never even met and he probably thought you were a total avengers fan girl. 

“Yea Spider-Man is pretty cool, Thor is awesome though! The dude is massive! And Mr Stark was just a great guy y’know? I kinda owe him everything” Peters heart dropped a bit at mentioning Tony but talking about him kept his memory alive in Peter’s eyes, and that’s the least he could do for him. 

“Right yea, sorry I didn’t even think, I’m so sorry for your loss, he was such a great man” you cringed at yourself for not thinking. Of course Peter would’ve been affected by losing Tony. 

“No no it’s okay, I mean you and me wouldn’t be here without what he did so we all owe him one, it’s good to acknowledge it, bet it feeds his ego a bit really” Peter laughed a bit trying to lighten the mood and make you feel less bad. You had both previously spoken about the Snap as both of you had disappeared for those 5 years and late night discussions had run into the early mornings as you had heart to hearts about its tolls on you both. You both found it so easy to talk to each other it was like you’d known each other for years even though you’ve never even seen each other face to face before, both being too awkward to even suggest meeting. 

-|- 

 You knew it was a bad idea to walk home alone so late, but the extra studying was highly needed as Peter couldn’t make your evening phone call to help you study your math quiz tomorrow and if you failed it one more time you were in serious trouble. The lampposts illuminated just enough of the street for you to feel safe-ish but speed walking was definitely needed. 

You were only a block away from your apartment when you got that feeling. It was deep in your gut and it made you shiver. Something was wrong and you couldn’t put a finger on what it was. You turned your head slightly to look around you and at a first glance you saw nothing however a shadow moving in one of the alley ways made your hair on your arms stand up. This was a big nope. 

You grabbed your phone and kept it close to you ready to call for help as footsteps started coming behind you. However as a rough hand grabbed your shoulder pulling your whole body backwards with a tell your phone was knocked out your hand, tumbling towards the ground like your hope of getting through this. 

Your eyes closed in terror as a small object was pushed against your back. Who knew studying would literally be the death of you.

“What’s in the bag” the voice was rough and desperate causing you to hold your breath. “Give me the bag” 

You turned slowly, hands up and faced the man, his face was covered by some makeshift white mask and a black beanie covered his hair, the small black handgun being pointed at you was shaking slightly in his gloved hands. 

You slowly moved your backpack off your shoulders and moved it in front of you, dropping it to the ground and using you foot to push it towards the masked man. Just as the man moved to pick it up a blue and red blur zoomed past you eyes, knocking the man to the wall and his gun became stuck to it by some webbed material. Webbed material. SPIDER-MAN. 

“Hey I don’t think that belongs to you” the voice spoke sounding weirdly altered. 

The robber attempted to swing at the spandex covered hero but missed as Spider-Man ducked and then proceeded to pull him back with webbing as he tried to flee. 

“You know I think an apology would be in order for this” the robber simply muttered a “fuck you” under his breath to which Spider-Man tutted and webbed the guy to the wall before whispering inform the authorities and turning to you. 

“Um hey sorry about this, are you okay miss..” the hero was shorter than you thought standing taller than you but not by a huge amount and his posture seemed almost awkward as he scratched the back of his head waiting for your reply. 

“Oh um y/n” you whispered, trying your best to process your brush with death and also not crying in front of your favourite hero. 

At the mention of your name the eyes of Spider-Man widened and he seemed to freeze. Peter was shocked. Y/n? As in his y/n? Your voice sounded the same but surely not and he almost hoped not considered what just happened, what if he didn’t get here on time? Oh god I mean he thought you were pretty but this pretty? And everything that just happened you must be so terrified and right before your math quiz... 

You saw the hero frozen in place and became instantly confused. “Um... are you okay?” At this he seemed to snap out of it and laughed slightly. 

“I think that’s my line you know” Peter once again realised he fucked up as his voice changer was no longer on, Karen must disabled it when Peter froze and he bet she did it on purpose knowing full well who you are. 

When Spider-Man spoke your eyebrows furrowed because that voice sounded oh so familiar but you could only place it to one person. 

“Right yea um I’m okay I should probably get home I have school tomorrow” you nervously nodded hoping he would say something else so you could confirm it.

“Of course yea um, is it okay if I walk you home? Just to make sure you’re safe?” Peter knew there was no turning back, you’d either figure it out or you wouldn’t and there was no way he was going to let you carry on walking home alone after this. 

“Um... that’d be nice actually, thank you” 

On the walk home not much was said, Peter tried not to say something accidentally and completely reveal himself whilst you were wrapped up in thinking about what just happened to you and the fact not only was Spider-Man walking you home but you’re pretty sure he is your mystery friend Peter Parker. 

When you arrived at your apartment you thanked the Webster and watched him swing off into the New York skyline and then took your phone out and dialled the only number you could think of. 

“Hello? Everything okay?” Peter sounded out of breath which was very convenient and he also sounded worried which if you weren’t already so suspicious you wouldn’t take note of. 

“You’re not going to believe the evening I’ve had” you went on to explain your half robbery slash attack and Spider-Man’s dramatic entrance and you have to admit Peter is a good actor, although his concern for your emotional well-being seemed to consume his efforts in hiding his fake shock at Spider-Man turning up. 

“Yea it was so weird like I’m totally okay but I can’t figure out what’s the strangest thing, being saved from a robbery by Spider-Man or finding out Spider-Man is my number neighbour you know” you bit your lip with anticipation as you spoke. 

“Well yea u mean it sounds like a strange nigh- wait what” God Peter was so stupid of course you knew! He would recognise your voice anywhere so why wouldn’t you recognise his? “I’m-I’m not Spider-Man I m-mean that’s ridiculous” and he stuttered. Good job Peter. 

“Yea I mean Stark internship? Knowing the avengers and Spider-Man and you sharing a voice is a lot of coincidence huh? It was nice to finally meet you Peter” you didn’t sound offended or angry from what Peter could tell you actually sounded humoured which made him breathe a sigh of relief. 

“Go to your roof top” and with that the line went dead.

Five minutes later you were stood on the rooftop of your apartment complex, glad the door was old and easily pushed open. The hoodie you threw on barely kept you warm from the winds that bashed around you but that was all forgotten as Spider-Man , Peter , landed on the roof next to you. 

“Hey” you smiled and nervously tucked some hair behind your ear as he got closer. 

“Um hi” Peter said, approaching you slowly whilst being kind of unsure. 

“I know your identity is a big thing and I promise I won’t tell anyone about this but I couldn’t pretend I didn’t know and I mean it’s pretty cool but also awkward because I can’t BELIEVE you let me geek out about the avengers and YOURSELF to you for ages and didn’t say ANYTHING I mean wha-“ you were cut short by Peters body colliding with yours in a kind of awkward but sweet hug. He smelt really good. 

When he pulled away you cleared your throat and muttered a sorry. Peter only laughed and lifted his hands up to take his mask off. Underneath he was a lot cuter than you expected, honestly you had to hold in a gasp. His brown hair was floppy and curly, slightly messy from the mask, and his jawline was sharp framing his face and his brown eyes honestly were breath-taking as cliché as it sounds. 

“It’s nice to finally meet you too” Peter said playing with his fingers nervously “you um you’re prettier than I thought wait not that I thought you wouldn’t be pretty but I mean you’re just wow like super pre-“ this time peter was interrupted as your arms wrapped around his neck and you kissed him on the cheek. 

“Thank you. For um saving my life earlier and all, who knew Spider-Man could not only save my life but also save my grades by helping me study” you both chucked at that.

For the rest of the evening you sat on the roof top and enjoyed finally being around each other. The conversation was a lot easier in person, mostly because of the flirty body language and the fact Peters eyes told such a story. By the end you were nearly asleep on his shoulder as he wrapped his arm around your torso to help keep you warm and you both silently enjoyed watching the New York skyline at night. Peter had found a new favourite roof top. 

++++++++++++++

OKAY SO my first one shot on this account because the most stupid things inspire me, including twitter trends. i hope you like it as i wasn’t too sure with this one and feel like its a bit rough here and there but overall i enjoyed the concept too much to put it aside. 

Add yourself to my taglist 

TAGLIST: @aesthetic-png @liac2299 @animegirlgeeky @sexysamsungl @mikariell95 @evoutionofkatep  @orowit

[uzuuzuking]

Random question, but how do you feel abt ella enchanted, if you've read/watched it? do you think the movie did the book justice? personally i think it would've been a more popular movie if it was more romantic fantasy like stardust is, instead of a fantasy comedy movie

I FORGOT ABT THIS ASK UNTIL JUST NOW MY BAD FAM,,

EDIT: i didn’t think i was gonna go off this much when i started writing my response to this, but here we are lmao oops

ok so to start, i love ella enchanted - both the book and the movie. i watched the movie first and read the book not long after, and i have the childhood nostalgia filter on for both of them so i have that bias.

based on the plot alone, the movie absolutely did not do the book justice. besides the names and the fact that ella was obedient, pretty much nothing was the same. the movie was way modernized language-wise and had a lot of pop culture references that are still fun imo. i’m just gonna list some shit i remember about the book to the best of my ability (it’s been like a year or so since my last re-read so i might not remember everything)

in the book...

ella was like 13 or smth when she first met char who was 14 or 15 i think

mandy was an older kitchen fairy

ella was forced to go to finishing school with hattie and olive

hattie was dramatic af and wore a wig

ella Snatched that wig when she left the school in the dead of night

ogres were actually bad

ella had a talent for speech imitation, which ultimately saved her from the ogres as she could imitate them well enough to persuade them to spare her

both of char’s parents (king & queen) were alive and there was no uncle edgar or heston

ella made char laugh a lot as they got to spend more time with each other (there was stair rail sliding incident if i remember correctly)

when ella found lucinda again, lucinda promised to spend 3 months obedient and then 3 months as a squirrel

lucinda got a taste of her own medicine and realized she hadn’t been bestowing gifts but curses

she felt awful about what she’d done to ella and many like her, but she couldn’t take it back even when she wanted to

ella fell in love with char but knew they couldn’t be together because of the gift/curse

there were 3 masquerade balls she attended so she could see char again but she went anonymously every time (changed her voice with her talent so he couldn’t recognize her)

ella broke her own curse by yelling that she wouldn’t marry char when he asked

and then she did marry him when she realized she was free

in the movie...

ella and char were both 18-21 years old - ella was in college and char had no idea she existed until they literally bumped into each other as he was running away from the “prince char fan club” that was chasing him

mandy was young and hot for some reason and had a boyfriend named benny she accidentally turned into a talking book who was like a magic mirror and could show you anything you asked

ella’s dad cared about her way more than in the book

ella ran away from home to find lucinda and took benny the boyfriend book with her

she met an elf named slannen who joined her

note: neither benny nor slannen were in the book and aren’t treated much more than comic relief

char had an uncle edgar who acted as king before char’s coronation

char didn’t know that edgar killed his father and wanted to kill char too so he could keep being king

edgar also had a snake named heston who was cgi and talked

ella almost got eaten by ogres but char saved her and accompanied her and slannen to the giants’ wedding

which was where anne hathaway as ella sang “somebody to love” which was honestly an iconic scene that still sometimes gives me secondhand embarrassment (i mean that as a compliment)

ella went back to the palace with char to try to look up lucinda in the library records

edgar found her and ordered her to kill char the night of the ball for him so he wouldn’t have to do it

ella had slannen chain and lock her to a tree so she physically could not harm char

lucinda showed up and freed her against her will and ordered her to go to the ball

char whisked ella away and proposed to her and she almost killed him but broke her curse before she could

she got thrown in jail for attempted murder

slannen, two giants, three ogres, and benny the boyfriend book formed a squad to save ella so she could save char from edgar

edgar almost succeeded but ella used her sweet martial arts skills to beat the shit out of his guards

edgar accidentally knocked himself out by putting the poisoned crown that was meant for char on his own head

ella and char get married then sing “don’t go breaking my heart” happily ever after the end

oh yeah and mandy turned benny the boyfriend book back into benny the boyfriend man and slannen got with that one hot giant

so anyway i still really love the movie even though it was a hot mess LMAO. it probably would have been a more popular movie if they stuck closer to the book’s plot lines. idk what the producers wanted but it clearly wasn’t most of anything actually in the book lol. not gonna lie tho anne hathaway and hugh dancy had some Mad Chemistry and that fireplace kiss scene was just *chef kiss*

i think if they had given ella and char more romantic scenes like that and given them a slower relationship build rooted in friendship like in the book, it’d be a better romance. and like, some parts were funny but we really didn’t need slannen and probably not benny. benny the boyfriend book was only essential because he was ella’s map. slannen was comedic relief and added nothing to the plot. just. so many movie things didn’t make sense lmao, but it’s not the worst romcom i’ve seen!

in conclusion, i like ella enchanted. it’s one of the most unique adaptations of cinderella out there and i appreciate gail carson levine for creating ella’s world. i will always enjoy fairytales and fairytale retellings like ella enchanted. this ask has inspired me to go re-read it again.

(also, i don’t think any book to movie fantasy romance adaptation can compare to stardust because it’s just that good. neil gaiman really blessed us!)

[clownmoontoon]

I'm interested in watching Osomatsu-san, but I have a few questions, if that's ok. 1. Sub or dub? 2. How do I know who's who? I already know some of the easy ones, thanks to you. Thank you in advance! (P.s. Thanks for telling me about BNHA!)

ITS A REALLY GREAT ANIME AND IT HAS SOME OF THE BEST CHARACTER WRITING I HAVE EVER SEEN. IT IS ABSOLUTELY ONE OF MY TOP FAVE ANIMES EVER

HOWEVER

idk how old you are (or the age of anyone possibly reading this) so i feel i should say Osomatsu-san has a lot of mature themes and is CLEARLY meant for a more mature audience of the adult/college age/MAYBE later teen variety

all the main and most important side characters in the show are at least in their 20′s.

im not recommending this show to kids is what im saying haha

its nowhere near as wholesome as hero aca

ANYWAY ONTO YOUR QUESTIONS

1. Sub or Dub?

as of right now there is no dub Viz Media, who most recently did the redub of sailor moon (AND ITS FANTASTIC BTW SO IT GIVES ME HIGH HOPES FOR MATSUS), had sent out a tweet saying that the dub was going to be released some time in October of this year but …nothing happened?? my buddy @arr-jim-lad even contacted them about it, and they responded that there were no updates to mention. ://///SO right now sub is all we got haha

ITS REALLY GOOD THO SO ITS NOT LIKE A NEGATIVE OR ANYTHING BC THESE VOICE ACTORS ARE AMAZINGdef my fave voice actors of any sub ive watched (and ive watched quite a few)

2. How do I know who’s who? I already know some of the easy ones, thanks to you.

one of my fave aspects of this show is that after a few eps, despite them all having the same face, it becomes VERY EASY to tell them apart haha this is part of why the character writing is so strong imo!

but here’s a few tips and tricks to look for just in case you cant tell right away!

🌈COLORS!!!🌈

❤️Osomatsu -  the eldest of the sextuplets and the show’s namesake - RED

💙Karamatsu - 2nd eldest - BLUE

💚Choromatsu - 3rd eldest - GREEN

💜Ichimatsu - 4th brother - PURPLE

💛Jyushimatsu - 5th brother - YELLOW

💖Todomatsu - 6th and youngest brother - PINK

the easiest thing to get the hang of first when it comes to noticing the matsus is def their designated colors! Even when theyre not in their trademark hoodies they can usually be seen wearing their colors somewhere on themselves so if you cant tell who’s who right away LOOK FOR THE COLORS!!

if theyre all wearing matching outfits you can look at their hair shinies bc they’ll usually be their color when nothing else is! (tho those are a bit more subtle in coloring bc ..well..shinies haha)

😄EXPRESSIONS and QUIRKS😎

each of the bros has a standard neutral expression, and some of them have fun quirks that make it very easy to tell who’s who! lets start backwards this time \(ouo)/ (mostly bc from the start the youngest bros are def easiest to recognize…besides karamatsu ofc)

this got quite long so check under the cut for all the bro details and fun collages i made for each bro bc i love this show too much! \(>u

💖Todomatsu (pinky boi)💖

he’s the designated “cute” boy, and the worst/best self-centered millennial stereotype. actually a total mean girl in disguise, and (according to his bros) a “vile monster”. i love him and he’s a cute demon. not the worst bro but pretty darn close.

neutral expression: :3voice: highest pitch of the bros and often whiny quirks: - can usually be seen w his smartphone - acts the most feminine (covers his chest if naked or topless)- always has eye shinies - two hairs sticking out on the top of his head - calls all his bros “niisan” since he’s the youngest

next up MY BOOOYYYYY

💛Jyushimatsu (YELLOW SUNSHINE LIGHT OF MY LIFE)💛

the hyper-active, forever smiling, incredibly powerful, baseball boy! if something weird and crazy is going on jyushimatsu is either directly involved or about to be. he’s always laughing, smiling and making weird jokes/noises. a very sweet boy who is entirely too powerful. He often dresses as animals, and is used as an “attack dog” to torture whichever brother he’s commanded to (usually oso). A very unpredictable boy to say the least. Its hard to imagine an ooc version of him bc there isnt much he would not do or say.HE IS MY FAVE BEST SUNSHINE BOY

neutral expression: 8Dvoice: lowest pitch of the bros but also the loudest, often making weird/nonsensical sounds/noises such as: BBBBOEHBA!! 8Dquirks: - often goes cross eyed - is incredibly strong, can lift and throw his adult brothers like nbd - never has eye shinies in the anime unless he’s about to cry - wears shorts when everyone else is wearing pants, also some times wears a traffic cone on his head- wiggly arms and sleeves too long (even when its not the hoodie, usually his sleeves are always too long haha)- only one hair sticking out on the top of his head

((MANY THANKS TO @arr-jim-lad​ FOR THE TILTED PIC IDEA ITS ADORABLE))

next up my second fave, NEKOMATSU

💜Ichimatsu (purple cat man)💜

the designated darkmatsu, ichi is the slow moving, constantly slouching, quietest boy who thinks cats are way better than people. the least motivated matsu, even going out to do fun things (like drinking or gambling) is some times too much trouble. for him a good time is laying on the floor and thinking about death (and also cats). a fan of torture, if the situation calls for causing trauma he’s suddenly very talkative and plays w his voice a lot. he is the second brother (after my boy jyushi) that is often called upon when one of the other brothers (or anyone) needs to be tortured. i love this boy and he is good to my fave boy god bless suujimatsu

neutral expression: B(voice: usually very low, slow and monotone quirks: - eyes always half lidded, no shinies - always slouched- messy hair (some times w cat ears)- only bro to wear track pants (w the line on the side)- has a diff cat in his lap almost every ep, but does not actually own one- two hairs sticking out on the top of his head

up next everyone’s fave otaku,

💚Choromatsu (green frog weeb man)💚

the resident brother mom and a total idol otaku, choromatsu isnt concerned w much else besides his idol obsession and proving he’s way more responsible than his brothers. he often walks todomatsu to the bathroom at night and waits for him to finish since youngest bro is scared of the dark (reminder theyre both grown men in their 20′s). he thinks he’s better suited to be the oldest brother and leader rather than osomatsu and even points it out once, with agreements from both todomatsu and ichimatsu.if anything crazy happens choro is the first to scream about it not being ok. he’s got the strongest will of all the brothers and can never be persuaded to change his mind about a situation. he’s not a fighter at all and usually chooses to stay on the sidelines even if he agrees w whatever the bros are fighting about (killing god for instance).he’s under constant stress bc he’s pretending to do his best while his brothers are terrible i love him give this poor green man a vacation

neutral expression: :voice: higher pitched, not as high as todo but still higher among the bros, and usually using it to yell @ brosquirks: - smallest pupils, no shinies (in the anime)- usually has a worried expression- wears plaid a lot- is irritated almost all the time - wont look for a job bc he’s determined to be an idol manager- no hairs sticking out on top of his head

AND NEXT MY THIRD FAVE AND EASILY THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MATSU

💙 KARAMATSU 💙

LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL MAN, THIS PAINFUL ADONIS OF MATSUS!! IS THAT A GLITTER CROP TOP THAT DOESNT COVER THE CHEST?? IT SURE IS!! ARE THOSE JEAN BOOTY SHORTS?? YOURE DAMN RIGHT THEY ARE!!!

karamatsu is EASILY the most recognizable matsu. w those amazing eyebrows, constant use and abuse of anime eyes, wild variety of glittery, revealing, and leather clothing its no wonder he’s called painful oh my god i love this man DID I MENTION HE SPEAKS RANDOM ENGLISH FOR NO REASON AND ITS GREATalso he’s probably the most caring brother who genuinely wants his brothers to be happy and know theyre loved very much by him ;;

if you cant immediately spot this matsu i dont know what to say to you tbqh

neutral expression: >:Dvoice: he makes his voice deep to sound cool p much all the time but its actually higher pitched than it seems quirks: - wears sunglasses, skulls, a leather jacket, sparkly everything, and p much anything he thinks is “cool”- easily the most expressive matsu just look for those eyebrows haha- puts his finger under his chin a lot - “BURAZAHS” - "heh!”- two hairs sticking out on the top of his head

and now on to the final, the oldest, and arguably the worst matsu

💔Osomatsu💔

THERE HE IS!!!! THE TRASH KING BROTHER!!!!i kid, i kid sort ofimplying that the matsus are not all trash boys is just a joke tbqhfor me osomatsu was absolutely the hardest bro to recognize when i first watched the show, and i think the biggest tip i can give for him is just to look for the red boy scratching under his nose. also the boy who looks like he would buy and sell you. he’s a pretty brilliant con man and a good fighter too, but his laziness outweighs anything that he could possibly achieve in. he’s absolute trash but in a way still lovable?? OH ACTUALLY if youre familiar w the anime Lupin the Third just look for the brother that makes the most Lupin-esque faces he’s got that classic-anime-comedy-male-lead look more than any of the other bros so that might help you recognize him!

could literally be lupin’s little bro haha

neutral expression: its like a stretched version of this :3 w teeth showingvoice: higher pitched, he plays w his voice almost as much as jyushimatsu, very playful and teasing, hardly ever serious sounding quirks: - scratching under his noise- obsessed w money and women (and never has either)- the most addicted to gambling of all the bros (this is sounding less like quirks and more like serious problems omg), favors horse races and pachinko- the “leader”, usually the one telling the others what to do (even if they rarely listen)- calls no one “niisan” since he’s the oldest - two hairs sticking out on top of his head

WOW THIS CAME OUT MUCH LONGER THAN I MEANT IT TO!! if im not careful people might think i love these trash neets or smth oh no

but ye! i hope this helps! or was at least an entertaining read haha❤️💙💚💜💛💖

[okaycolby]

Analytics on Elite-Level Nutrition

Since running was popularized (with the first marathon ending in Athens) and ice cream was popularized (in the marketplaces of Athens a long time ago), people have wondered about the effect the consumption of one has on the performance of the other.  Even Hippocrates (not “hippocrates” like the people who say things are dumb then actually do them like my step-brother Bruce), endorsed ice cream because it “livens the life-juices and increases the well-being” (citation: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ice_cream).  For the past two hours, I have been researching how ice cream affects race performance, and you are not going to believe the results.

Ice cream has always been a part of my running career, and life.  The Strongsville DQ was a two minute drive from my house growing up, and, I’ll admit it, I became addicted.  I wanted DQ every night, but my parents, wisely, wouldn’t allow it. Instead, on DQ-less nights, I would walk upstairs (from my video game dungeon where I had spent the last 8-12 hours) to our refrigerator, hoping that among my Mom’s assortment of Bryers I would find a container of Mint Chocolate chip.  I’d scoop half the tub into a bowl, drown it in chocolate syrup, drizzle cashews on top, and grab a bag of pretzel rods.  This I would take to my Dad, who would typically be in his office listening to Tom Hamilton broadcast an Indians game.  I’d tap him on the shoulder and hold out the ice cream.  Without a word or a glance in my direction, he would grab it and start mashing.  I would wait outside and watch the indians game on mute or real housewives or any other bravo show that my sister was watching.  For my Dad, the process of turning ice cream into chocolatey mush is an art.  For 5 straight minutes I would hear *Boom click tap tap tap click* with Hamilton in the background discussing the Cleveland bullpen.

“COLB,” he'd yell.  “COLBY!”  I’d sprint inside, and exchange the bag of pretzels (keeping some rods for myself) as a trade, then return to my dungeon.  I would dip the pretzels into the ice cream like fries into ketchup.  But I still craved DQ.

With this in mind, I managed to persuade my parents that eating DQ the night before races was the key to PRs and victories.  If we were home the day before a race and I was without a fix by 9:50pm, I’d say, “Dad, I haven't had any ice cream yet and DQ is closing in ten minutes.”  He’d shoot up out of his chair and speed to the creamed ice kingdom.

My own career has (soft) served as case study supporting this exact claim.  I had an ice cream brownie sundae the night before Footlocker regionals and the next day I got 7th and made nationals.  Then, after no ice cream, I finished 38th at Nationals.  So many of my most famous races were preceded by an ice cream dessert.  But I don’t want you to take a couple stories of mine as irrefutable evidence, so let's stop fooling around and get to my research.  I have gone back through years of electronically preserved credit card receipts, showing proof of many, many DQ purchases, which I have matched with the dates of races throughout my career.  And the results will BLOW YOUR MIND.

As you can see from this chart, the likelihood of me running a PR after eating ice cream was 42%.  Compare that to the likelihood of me running a PR without any ice cream in my system: 11%.  Only 11%! And let me remind you these figures have been gathered over a twelve-year span with over one hundred performances considered (that’s why the percentages aren’t round numbers like 25% or 50% or 75%).  This is a significant enough sample size that I must assume your head is literally spinning as you read these words.  I just hope you don’t throw up, as I often do after races.

*sidenote*

Once I ran out of letters, I didn't know what to do, so I used emojis then my hand cramped. So you are just going to have to trust me that I actually used 100 races and not just 31

So ice cream makes you run quicker: the end?  Not so fast.  I dug beneath these initial results to pinpoint optimal performance amounts, and the results will no doubt cause you to shake uncontrollably.

(graph 2A)

As you can see from chart 2A, the size of my PRs decreased when the quantity of ice cream consumed fell below 6 ounces, as well as when the quantity of ice cream I consumed exceeded 13 ounces. So the sweet spot must be somewhere between 6-13 ounces consumed the night before a race.  A Ben and Jerry’s pint is 16 oz.  Which brings me to my purpose in publishing these findings.  

With a discovery of a way to greatly improve race performance, you might think I would want to keep these findings to myself.  But I am hoping, you, the literate portion of the running community, will help expand on my findings and produce a more exact prescription of optimal ice cream consumption: taking into account other variables like age, weight, chocolate syrup, and brand. Please send your data to Citius Mag and they will hopefully tell me...idk

Here’s another graph I made:

(It’s of the different types of pets I have owned over the years.)

(44% Gold) Cats:

Relay- She was old when I was born.  My parents named her relay because they are crazy about track.

Calypso- She was rescued off the street as a kitten.  She was really mean to everyone except me and was also an excellent hunter even though her front paws were declawed.

Storm- Named after the famous X-men character played by Halle Berry.  She grew to be quite large and was able to stand on her two back legs like a human. She would partake in educated conversations at dinner while she dipped her paw into half-full glasses of water.

Rogue- She didn't last long.  During the peak of West Nile virus back in the early 2000s, she caught it and died. (Also named after one of my favorite X-men characters.)

Vladimir- not named after the famous politician but a nickname of a high school rival.  He was our first male kitty and my personal favorite.  We would cuddle every night together and he would kiss me and fall asleep on my chest.  Things were going so well until he got out to look for me when I went away for college and never came back.  I still hope he's out there somewhere in search for me.

No Name- My mom calls her Java but we took so long to name her that I started calling her “no name” and it stuck. She's still alive and likes to groom me when I go home.

Lucy- Our newest cat.  She only likes my mom.  I've never gotten to pet her.

(6% Green Stripes) Dog:

Piccolo Velocità Linnetta- (I think it means “tiny speed dash”?) She's an italian greyhound.  She's FAST but now she's ancient and blind and deaf.

(6% Gold Stripes) Bunny:

Moonpie- My mom found him in the backyard in the winter.  She says he would have died out there but he's definitely a neighbor's kid’s pet that we stole.  He roams the house humping No Name and pooping everywhere. Fairly certain they are in a serious relationship.

(13% Dots) Hamster:

I don't remember their names.  I only wanted them because my cousins got some hamsters and I was jealous.

. (6% Black) Goldfish:

Spike- I can't say enough about this resilient beast.  Maybe I’ll write a paper about the legend of Spike the goldfish someday.  I won him at the carnival when I was little and he grew to be the biggest most elegant goldfish in history (citation: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spike_the_goldfish).  

(13% Silver) Other fish:

Definitely had more than two other fish but I only care about Spike.

(13% Green) lizards:

These were my brothers.  Just thought I’d toss ‘em in the graph.

I ask you to help me research ice cream consumption because I prefer to be very consistent with my pre-race routine.  Once, I tripped walking to circle K for my Ben and Jerry's pint, skinned my knee, then PRd by four seconds the next day.  I tried and succeeded tripping on the same crack before the next race but they were out of the same B&J flavor - a disaster.  I started asking my friends the same questions as we walked so every trip to circle K would be identical, but the third time they said, “Haven't you asked that before?”  So I typed out a script for them to memorize.  That was the last time any of my friends ever walked to circle K with me for ice cream.  They said I was acting crazy.  Well I guess it’s crazy to care about running then, Johnny.

Whenever Johnny is giving me attitude about my routine, I remind him of his father, and 3:52 miler, John Gregorek’s wise words: “Eat a lot of ice cream.  Go to bed early.” That’s the best life-advice I have ever received. That and, “Baby girl, you should know it's your life, let it flow, Take the chance, lose control. It's your life; let it go” (Sean Paul).