#i kind of stan hufflepuff five for this au actually even though i usually mentally sort him into slytherin

[in-tua-deep]

Umbrella academy hogwarts au? I feel like 5 would be a slytherin. Would he be in a younger year than everyone else, kinda like in your pride and prejudice AU?

HMMM i think if i was ever to go for a real hogwarts au and not just gently dumping all the characters into the hp world for a laugh (they make it so easy with five’s mystery jump at the end of s1 lmao) then it would have to start from like. the very beginning and together. as Actual Kids.

(p&p au is a bit different bc it’s a no-powers-period-drama type au)

we’re not going to explain why hogwarts is getting some american kids bc i don’t have the brainpower rn to think of why. maybe reginald trained them in the US in this au and then moved them to the UK in the months preceding their debut for whatever reason which officially makes them a Hogwarts Problem now idk

lemme put this under a read more

so instead you have Five at like, ten-and-three-quarters years old. They’re scheduled to debut in front of the entire world very soon. Five has bruises on his skin and anger in his heart, even as young as he is.

(He’s not the worst off. Klaus has screaming nightmares and bags under his eyes so dark he looks like a raccoon. Ben hasn’t spoken a word in two weeks after his last special training session with their dad. Diego’s arm is in a cast where sparring with Luther went wrong a week or so ago.)

And Five is the curious child, the challenging child. He’s a constant buzz of need to know, have to know, have to move move move and part of that is knowing everything that’s going on in the house. With his power to jump, he knows all the good spying spots. He knows which rooms are above the others, knows which vents have sound that carry, knows the spots he can prop himself in and see but not be seen.

So when there’s someone knocking on the front door, Five sneaks into one such spot and looks - because no one knocks on their door, ever. Reginald’s door is never knocked upon by girl scouts or friendly neighbors or salesmen. It’s like, a rule. So he’s curious who it is, and he crouches down to watch and to listen.

Grace is the one who answers the door (Pogo tends to keep out of sight of guests, when he can) and offers the severe looking woman a dazzling smile. Five thinks she’ll be turned away, but Grace nods and gestures her inside and tells her to wait right there as she fetches Mr. Hargreeves - 

His dad comes, looking just as severe as the woman does and twice as intimidating. And then the woman opens her mouth to speak and - 

Magic?

Them?

A boarding school?

And Five doesn’t really think they’re magic. Yeah, unexplained things happen around them all the time (Klaus’s lightbulbs were constantly being replaced when he bolted out of a nightmare screaming and they blew or shattered or whatever) but that’s just part of their powers, right?

But a boarding school. That’s promising. Even if they aren’t magic or whatever, even if this school is for insane people - anything is better than here. And it’s not foster care, right? If it’s a school then there’s no issue of them being split up, being torn apart. They’re a family, and Five has been trying desperately to think of a plan to get them out since he was seven-and-a-half

Of course, Reginald says no. Denies everything. Refuses to acknowledge the woman and sends her out.

And Five has about three seconds for his quicksilver mind to run back over the conversation, to pick up on the woman’s bristling and comments about control and community and you can’t hide magic forever and -

Five jumps, in a flash of blue, and pops out in front of the woman outside. She startles with wide eyes. “What on earth - ”

“What happens if a magical child wants to attend but their non-magical guardians do not.” Five asks the woman, hands clenched into fists by his sides.

The woman stares at him for a long time, “It would depend on the circumstances - ”

That’s a bullshit answer if Five’s ever heard one, and he cuts her off. “If a magical child needs to be trained, could they achieve that going around a guardian? What are the laws concerning education?”

The woman looks over her shoulder, back towards the manor. She looks bemused that this tiny slip of a child is confronting her like this outside of the knowledge of his parents.

Five grits his teeth, because this is a low risk high reward situation. If the woman leaves - whatever, no skin off his back or however that saying goes. If she can get them out and going to this fancy boarding school so that they’re only within Reginald’s sphere of influence during the break times - well. 

Five has a hunch, and plays it without mercy.

“He’s not our biological father. He bought us. We have - we do things no else can do. Magic? He wants us to be superheroes. He’s got something planned, to show us off to the whole world. Us and our powers.”

If the woman’s face had gotten tight at the beginning of Five’s words, it’s aghast at the end of it. So Five is correct - if magic was real, then Five should have already heard about it. If it is and he hasn’t, that means that the magic people are exceptionally good at keeping secrets. 

Which means Reginald and his planned publicity works in Five’s favor. 

“I’ll see what can be done.” The woman says grimly.

But there’s something Five needs confirmation of, because it’s important. “If one of us goes, we all go.” He tells the woman, feet planted shoulder width apart and hands curled into fists with the thumbs on the outside. Ready for a fight. “We stay together.”

(Vanya doesn’t have powers, like the rest of them. But Five will be damned before he leaves her behind in this house by herself, not when Reginald hardly cares if she lives or dies.)

The woman blinks, waves her hand like that was never the problem. “There are seven children at this address, yes? If that’s all of you, you all have places at Hogwarts.”

Five, who was geared up to defend his position and smuggle Vanya with him in a suitcase if necessary, melts back. “There are seven of us.” Five says, cautious and careful, “But - yes. There are seven of us.”

(He almost tells her that Vanya isn’t magic, but if they think she is then he’s not going to try and persuade them otherwise. He’ll figure something out for later, when they realize she’s ordinary. He’ll find a way to fake magical powers for her or something.)

“I’ll be back.” The woman tells him, looking serious. Then she raises a stick in the air (what?) and something happens and she just - warps in place and vanishes. It makes Five jump back, startled.

What was that? That wasn’t - that wasn’t jumping. Not the way he does it. But - she vanished? There’s no blue light but it looks so much like what he does that he can’t help but doubt. Are there variations of his power? Are there lots of people who can jump?

Suddenly this whole ‘magic school’ thing is looking more like something exciting to look forward to instead of just a convenient escape route.

Five hovers for a few seconds, before jumping himself. It wouldn’t do to be found lurking outside of the manor when he isn’t supposed to be permitted outside at all, after all. 

He waits with baited breath until a week later he wakes up to yelling and scrambles for the door. He can see his other siblings coming out as well in the pajamas, all of them exchanging looks and agreeing as one to creep quietly to figure out what’s going on.

What’s going on isn’t quiet at all. There’s a dozen men and women downstairs, including the woman that Five spoke to the week before. They all looks very official, and they all have sticks like the woman did. Does. 

Reginald looks furious.

They’re all crouched in Five’s spot, the good one where if you stay still no one would notice you between the banisters but you get an unobstructed view. The key is if you stay still. One of them moves, or makes a noise, or whatever and one of the people’s eyes snap up to look directly at them.

They all freeze.

“You might as well come down here, children.” One woman says, looking distinctly unimpressed. “This involves you, after all.”

They look to Reginald, but he says nothing. He doesn’t even look at them at all, though they can see the muscle in his jaw tightening. 

The travel carefully down the stairs, single file, in order. Klaus and Ben hold hands as they go down, and Five looks back frequently to make sure that everyone is present, including Vanya. 

“I’m afraid,” The woman from the week before speaks up in her Scottish brogue, “That is has come to our attention that… your guardian can no longer provide you with the necessary education you require by law.”

She keeps going, explaining to them about magic. Five can see Vanya at the end of their little like, getting more and more pale by the second. Five heard most of this speech the day before, so it’s easy for him to duck out of their little line and bump Klaus and Ben over so that he can stand by her side.

He takes her hand in his, not caring about how Luther and Allison are shooting him looks. He squeezes tightly and, after a second, she squeezes back.

They’re in language classes with Grace together, so it’s easy to him to tap against her hand.

n-o g-o w-o u

Not going without you. Vanya is still pale, but she squeezes Five’s hand and stops looking like she’s going to pass out on the floor. 

“As such,” The woman is continuing, “You will be attending Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. You will be staying with me until the start of the term, during which time we will sort out permanent living arrangements.”

“We’re not coming back?” Luther demands loudly, looking frightened. Five would almost feel bad if he didn’t remember the fact that Luther was still recovering from a concussion from private training that he still would talk about. “But - what about dad?”

“Your father is not equipped to deal with magical children.” The woman tells them, actually quite diplomatically. Five can read between the lines though to where she’s actually saying this man is an abusive fuck who shouldn’t have been permitted to care for a cactus let alone seven entire human beings.

“We stay together?” Five pipes up, staring holes into the strangers in his house. “No matter what, we stay together, right?”

The woman inclines her head, “We will do our utmost to ensure it, Mr. - ”

She pauses for him to fill in his name, and he can feel the panicked look Luther is shooting him. He’s the worst one to ask for his name, because he gave up his chance for a name so Vanya could have one.

Luther is shaking his head, trying to get Five’s attention to signal him to not answer, but Five lifts his chin up high. He is not ashamed as he puts the final nail in Reginald’s coffin.

“Number Five. I’m Number Five.”

The expressions on every adults face are priceless and drive home just how not ordinary that is. Just how terrible it is to have a number instead of a name. Five doesn’t understand it - he likes his name, thank you - but that doesn’t mean he’s not willing to use it as a weapon to put another knife in Reginald’s back.

And that’s how, against some of their protests (mainly Luther, who protests leaving Reginald, and Diego, who protests leaving Grace) all of the kids end up in the house of “Professor McGonagall” who at this point is just. resigned to these kids being weird as fuck

(to be valid she first met Five apparently apparating with a) 0 training and b) without even a wand what the fuck)

They’re all just. Really confused? They all report for breakfast bright and early and McGonagall hasn’t even had her morning coffee yet and she’s just kind of like “yeah you kids do whatever, settle in and all that. we’ll go to diagon alley and pick up school supplies and all that later”

and it is bizarre. The kids stick close to one another, watch all the weird magic shit going down with careful eyes, and then they get their wands. Five almost has a fit because what if they find out Vanya isn’t magical and he’s about two seconds away from using his own shiny new wand (that had let out a bright blue light reminiscent of the one that came with his powers) when Vanya picks one up and waves it and manages to blast through three shelves.

The wand maker looks absolutely delighted at this destruction of the shop and all of them gape at Vanya because they were not expecting her to be magical. And clearly Vanya wasn’t expecting to be magical either, because she’s pale and shocked as the wand maker plucks the destructive wand from her hand and pops another one in.

All seven of them walk out with their brand new wands, and Vanya and Five hold hands tightly. Half in relief and half in alarm.

When they talk later, hushed whispers camped out in freshly transfigured beds, they come to the conclusion that some witches and wizards just need the stick to do things and that the rest of the Umbrella Academy is kind of weird. (McGonagall lectured Five at length about apparating and not doing it while he made various faces)

The kids survive until term starts and Professor McGonagall takes the to a train station and drops them off and tells them that she’ll see them at the school. They take up an entire compartment by themselves and talk at length about what magic school is going to be like.

Luther is still withdrawn and sullen over being taken away from Reginald, Diego is still sad about Grace, Allison has her head held high and is determined to make a good impression and finally meet some new people outside of her siblings, and Klaus is loud but in the way that means he’s anxious, Ben is speaking again but is still far too quiet, Five has read all of their schoolbooks already and is practically vibrating in place with the need to know everything and Vanya - 

Vanya is off her meds. She didn’t want Professor McGonagall to decide she was broken or not good enough or anything because she was on anxiety medication. Any mishaps within the McGonagall house have so far been chalked up to accidental magic (and some of it actually had been). This is important for later.

They change into their robes (just another uniform) and disembark and get to Hogwarts and stand in the Great Hall and listen to the Sorting Hat sing and then - it’s their turn to be sorted.

Luther is all Gryffindor bullheaded stubbornness and an insistence on what he thinks is right, proud and strong. Allison is Slytherin ambition and drive to her bones, clawing her way to the top and making sure she will stay there. Diego is Gryffindor impatience and need to prove himself, doing what is right even if it is outside the law. Klaus is Slytherin cunning and resourcefulness, sneaking out and getting what he needed under the nose of a tyrant (though since leaving the house, drugs have been noticeably absent from his possessions). Ben is Ravenclaw knowledge and hiding behind books, quiet words and hungry eyes. Vanya is Ravenclaw hard work and well gained knowledge, passion for her difficult art and determination to be good at something.

Five gets up there, and the Sorting Hat hums. 

Five is made of loyalty that could weather an apocalypse. He is a boy who had a power perfect for running away and keeping away, but who stayed because he couldn’t bear to leave his siblings. Five is a child who, every time he got knocked down, he got back up again. Five is a child who has hard work pressed into the marrow of his bones, who never gives up and never gives in.

Five is driven by knowledge and a need to know. His hunger consumes him, always pushing at boundaries that perhaps would be safer for his health to leave untouched. Always testing and twisting and seeking more. He is bright and smart and one of his very first words was why. 

Five is cunning and careful, twisting words and bending rules and scraping everything he can from a bad situation. He is the boy who had a split second to think, who jumped outside and confronted a stranger and went off of a hunch and won it all. The boy who had so few resources to work with, but twisted and pulled at them until they were enough. If getting his entire family out of Reginald’s house intact was not the very definition of ambitious, then nothing is.

Hufflepuff. Ravenclaw. Slytherin.

Choose your own adventure, choose your fighter.

Five would probably prefer Ravenclaw, in a house with two of his favorite siblings. Perhaps he would choose Slytherin, because Klaus is fragile and he doubts Allison will protect him and Five has always been protective of his family. 

(Klaus is stronger than the family thinks, away from the mausoleum and the memories. He’ll have Slytherin house wrapped around his finger before they know what hit them, will eventually fall in love with a Hufflepuff transfer student named Dave, will eventually be happy.)

Maybe Five is alone in Hufflepuff, a house too kind and too soft for the sort of jagged edges he has. But maybe that’s what he needs. Maybe he doesn’t need a house to sharpen his claws against, to sharpen his words or his mind. Maybe he needs somewhere safe, where people take his hand and show him how to tickle the pear to get into the kitchens and teach him how to play exploding snap and who look the other way when he sneaks out to visit his siblings at night.

(Whatever they can do outside of their wand waving, they discover, it isn’t magic. Or at least, not what the magical world seems to consider magic. They figure this out because apparently Hogwarts is warded against apparating within the grounds.

This doesn’t seem to stop Five.)

There’s so much that needs to be done. The wizarding world is still rebuilding. It’s 2000, scarcely three years after everything went down. 

Vanya’s “magic” seems to act up and no one can figure out why (even the family doesn’t realize it’s because she has non-magical powers like the rest of them. how could they? their entire lives Vanya had been ordinary.)

(when the revelation comes, Allison remembers her orders, remembers a small quiet room she was brought and told to say terrible things. They all weather the storm of Vanya’s fury together, magical shield summoned in a technique probably too advanced for their age but Ben is a natural until they finally managed to stun her. 

later, they all sit together in the hufflepuff common room, curled up on the sofas with mugs of hot chocolate stolen from the kitchens, regardless of if any of them are even in the house. at the very least Five has a talent for wriggling his way into areas he isn’t supposed to be in. they drink the hot chocolate, and contemplate their lives living with a man who would order something like that. 

they are grateful, even luther, of the turn their lives had taken. it would have been so very easy for McGonagall to walk away, to trust that they would be homeschooled or sent abroad or whatever. they are free, and they are thankful)

there is, of course, still the issue of what to do with the seven magical children once their first year comes to an end. they could stay with professor mcgonagall again, perhaps. despite being generally no nonsense, she’s always had a soft spot for the troublemakers (and the Hargreeves, despite best efforts, fall soundly into that category)

maybe they end up staying with some empty nesters. Molly and Arthur Weasely have no children left staying at home since Ginny moved out, and they’re used to dealing with large numbers of magical children. Diego would thrive under Mrs. Weasley’s attention even as he would feel guilty for loving anyone but Grace. 

maybe McGonagall calls in a favor, maybe she contacts her old students. She knows a boy who was an orphan himself, who knows what it means to be too skinny and too wary and to not want to go home at the summers. An orphan boy with wealth enough to take care of seven orphans with no problems, who would be glad to take on several wards if it was a favor to his old professor. 

(Harry Potter is only 20, but the war aged him. Aged all of his generation, really. There are lots of orphans in the wizarding world, and he is one of them.)

or maybe their arrangements are something else entirely.

The important thing though, is that despite everything they stay together. They might not have the Academy anymore, they might not belong to Reginald, but they are family and they stick by one another.

They protect one another, through means both magical and not.

(If you think Diego is giving up his knives, you are very incorrect about that.)