#some truly main character syndrome stuff

[thealogie]

Crowley: *asks some questions*

God: you’re ugly and we hate you

Aziraphale: *gives the sword away which eventually becomes war’s sword* *does temptations for his demon friend* *lies to thwart the will of god* *tries to kill an 11 year old*

God: would mommy’s specialest little main character like a promotion? ❤️

[d-atalog]

reddit bros are ... truly something else

[vivaciousoceans]

I just want to say thank you for your defense of Amanda Rollins. I feel like the fandom idolizes Benson so much that they forget how morally dubious she's been in the past (and how shitty she's been especially to Amanda) and constantly wants to put her on a pedestal and completely ignore the HUGE character development Amanda has gone through, like do I agree with the stuff Amanda has done no she's done some really messed up things but can I appreciate how flawed her character is and can sympathize with her situation and can appreciate the work she's put in to become a better person Yes. Anyways #amandarollinsrules

I just think it’s ironic for people to be fans of a show centered around sexual assault, primarily women who experience sexual assault, and then hate a woman character who displays symptoms from rape trauma syndrome. Her victim blaming, hypersexuality, addiction issues, issues with authority, could not only be linked to what P*tton did to her, but also her childhood. She grew up in an unstable home with an unstable mother and basically absent father. She had raise Kim, she put her body, her life on the line for her little sister. Amanda caught no breaks, and then she works her way to detective. She’s assaulted by her CO, and then she transfers to New York, where she gets to work with the deified Olivia Benson, who treats her like shit.

Like if we truly want to talk about victim blaming we need to address the fact that any time a mother is less than perfect, an alcoholic, or just “not good enough” in Olivia’s eyes, her blinders turn on. She was willing to believe her mother lied about being raped when she found out her father had kept up with her. If we want to talk about racism, then we need address the way Olivia (and pretty much every other character except maybe Carisi) is willing to weaponize ICE to make a case. Olivia isn’t this infallible character, and yet the narrative treats her like one. At one point there were back to back episodes, where she was guzzling wine like a horse in a desert.

Amanda has addressed her traumas, she has grown into a woman im damn proud of despite her flaws. She’s giving her babies a stable home, with an amazing man who has basically been their father since they were born. In a way, Olivia hasn’t addressed her traumas in the same way, and she is actively becoming a worse person.

Also we need to address how only the women (in which there’s only ever been 2-3 women at one time apart of the main cast) get criticism. Elliot Stabler is a disaster of a character, racist, homophobic, transphobic, misogynistic. Fin has been very misogynistic and victim blames quite a bit. Sonny, my baby boy, he has his blinders in some aspects. Rafael, my husband, he thinks about politics too much sometimes, and I understand his job isn’t just to be Olivia Benson’s lackey, but he should be fighting for true justice.

Anyways #hotgirlmandaforthewin #aintnobodyworriedaboutthebitterbitchlinkup #juciestpeachingeorgia

[insufferableprotagonistpoll]

Propaganda why Bella Swan is insufferable:

Feels like low hanging fruit, but characters that are supposed to be self inserts will always be bland boring bad ideas if you want to make a truly interesting character. Especially self inserts that go along with things like stalking and abuse from their love interests for the sake of continuing the story, because it kinda makes them seem like a mannequin who just there to be passed around like the punching bag in super smash bros, you know what I mean

complete bland character that all the boys somehow fall in love with. just gets pushed around by the plot. she's interesting as cardboard while everyone around her is more interesting.

She spends the entirety of three books looking down on others, being completely braindead, worrying that she's old at age 18 for an entire book, has a horror movie pregnancyand birth, and then becomes the most specialist vampire to ever vampire. And through all that her personality and thought processes that she had page 1 of Twilight she has on the last page of Breaking Dawn.

She has the personality of a rock, but for some reason everyone is obsessed with her.

Propaganda why Clary Fray is insufferable:

She finds out about a magical world she's been unaware of her whole life and it takes her five seconds to jump onto the fantasy racism train. Constantly demands people do dangerous stuff for her. Causes so many problems and when someone points out that she's going to hurt someone they're treated like they're an asshole. Walks up to a closeted man like ""I know what you are"". Is a terrible friend to her childhood 'bestie'. Falls in love with her brother, one the worst men alive.

I don’t remember much from the books but she was kind of annoying

Worst case of Main Character Syndrome you'll ever see.

[fuck-customers]

I worked with a very evil person, but then again who hasn't. She was one of those people who took pride in being a home wrecker. I know people say stuff like "slay" and "girl boss", but this was my issue with her. She was one of those people that didn't seem to accept that other stuff happens to other people. She had main character syndrome so bad. So she homewrecked this one relationship by ofcourse offering you know since the one in the relationship wanted to be chaste till marriage. There's nothing wrong with that, truly there isn't. Some people have their own beliefs and they should be respected. But then her bf moved 3 hours away and they had to break up. So her new target was this guy at our job who had a fiancée that he lived with and she was pregnant. Lo and behold, she breaks them up and they force his ex fiancée to get an abortion, which was effed up since on his instagram he had so many pics of the nursey they were setting up. Now, here's my beef, that's exactly how she'd talk to other people how she got him. The typical "my boyfriend had a pregnant fiancée, but it's OK, I made him get the ring back and abort the kid", what type of flex is that? Seriously? Idc how much you hate kids, that was messed up and even more when we found out after the bitch (yes I'm calling the home wrecker a bitch) left that his ex fiancée had been homeless for a while too. I truly hope karma is getting her. Truly I do. Who takes pride in literally ruining someone's life? And even if the dude who went along with her is trash for letting it happen she still didnt have to do thay crap and brag about doing it. What she did was wrong cause now I keep wondering what exactly she may have done to the other girl that wanted to be chaste till marriage. I'm sorry, thay girl was straight up pure evil since who is ok with sharing details like that with other people when talking about their bf?

Posted by admin Rodney.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Hey Raven! 👋🏻 I just went through your #my art, and i wanted to tell you that i really really really like your artworks of Miss Raven and Co. You truly put a lot of effort into your artwork, and it shows! With each new drawing, you seem to be getting better! ✏️💕

As i mentioned earlier, i really liked your Miss Raven drawings! they're so cute! especially when you drew Miss Raven in alternative clothing. I also like how much detail you put in your designs for Miss Raven, like the ones for the Fairy Gala or Masquerade Ball are so beautiful 🥺 and still fit her character!

The one you did with her wearing different dorm uniforms from each dorm was such a cool idea! it was interesting to see how she may have appeared if Miss Raven was transferred to said dorms! call me biased, but i liked the octavinelle design the most 😂 but poor Miss Raven. If she had to work part-time in Mostro lounge, she'll have to avoid two predatory Eels 😭 One wants to tease her while the other either wants to squeeze her or dump all his work on her cuz he isn't feeling it today, then there's Azul who takes advantaged of the fact that Miss Raven is close to headmaster Crowley and makes profit 📈 Run Miss Raven Run!!!

Anyway, I think i'm going to steal her away and fight off a certain dangerous and manipulate Eel, a Skilful Hunter, a Lazy Lion, and a dude with the power of christ (idk is Rollo x Raven even a thing?!).

I always look forward to seeing a new artwork of yours truly~

[Referencing this tag!]

Wehhh 😭 I’m glad you find enjoyment in my silly little doodles! Art is definitely an area I’m less comfortable with, but I do like dabbling in it when the mood strikes.

There’s something therapeutic in designing a new look for your OC! You take the time to consider their individual style, the overall theme, and how you can marry the two to create a cute outfit~ I’m really happy with how Raven’s Fairy Gala Couture came out; it’s definitely one of my favorite looks for her. The Masquerade outfit was also fun for me to assemble, but it seems a lot less cohesive in hindsight (probably because I didn’t line + color it, so it’s harder to distinguish individual elements??).

The NRC dorm uniforms (+ the sequel with RSA and NBC uniforms) was another cool project! I think my favorites from those are the Heartslabyul look (just because I’m a sucker for the Alice in Wonderland aesthetic + Raven is twisted from the raven in its infamous riddle), the Diasomnia look (it gives “fairy tale princess turned knight” energy), and the Noble Bell look (because the extra fabric is nice and flowy). You can see how the environment and the personality of each school/dorm influences her, right? ^^ It’s also interesting to think about how differently Raven might have turned out if each of these places had more of an influence on her life.

Bruh 💀 I think she’d die if she worked at the Mostro Lounge, dealing with customers and shady coworkers and employer… though that’s not to say that any of the other dorms would necessarily be better! Miss Raven would have gripes with or rivals in each of them somehow. It’s the Night Raven College way, I guess??

One of these things is not like the other… Looking back on it, 3 out of 4 of those are basically predatory-prey dynamics there there’s a type developing and I don’t know if I like it/j 😂 I’d say Jade’s the “main” love interest, while Rook’s the “oh, he’s cute” one… L*ona kind of started as a crack ship but now I think it’s more of a one-sided thing?? Like, Miss Raven still sees L*ona as sort of a rival, whereas he’s grown a little fond of her but knows he can’t do much to sway her… It’s the eternally “second place” syndrome… 😔

Rollo has the most complex relationship with her (sure, call it a ship if you want 😂), built primarily on a strange savior complex. He did some heinous stuff and dislikes her because she’s very pro-magic—but I think there’s a part of him that feels like she’s a lost lamb that’s been led astray by Draconia and therefore he needs to “save” and “correct” her. Problem is, he’s bad at Emotions so his anger gets redirected at Miss Raven herself. Meanwhile, Miss Raven realizes the similarities between herself and Rollo, so she wants to be a friend to him. She sort of forces him to be her pen pal (thinking that writing down how he feels will help him cope with what happened). So weirdly enough, Raven wants to “save” Rollo and Rollo wants to “save” Raven (but both suck at communicating well).

Who knows, we’ll see how things play out from here Nd when the whim to draw strikes next 📝

[imminent-danger-came]

Anon chilling on the precipice of madness again, and I’m so glad you liked that last ask! Truly, there is much joy to be found in discussing how much we enjoy (*cough* are dealt immense emotional damage on a daily basis by *cough*) the monkey show. Also, since I apparently can’t stop bugging you, for clarity’s sake I’m going to call myself Unhinged Anon if I submit any future asks lol. 

As always you make excellent points, and I am very normal about you bringing up the ‘MK smiling at his reflection’ thing because the motif of reflections in this show (see also: S2E5, S3E4, some others I’m probably missing, and especially S4E1) doesn’t make me even the tiniest bit insane. Nope! Not at all. But this time, it’s actually something you said in the tags that launched my marbles into the stratosphere for me to never find, because now I can’t stop thinking about how badly I want, like… a Sandy spinoff series or something. 

And I don’t mean a lore-heavy, epic adventure rich in heavy themes and conflicts like we have in the main series, just with Sandy at the center instead of MK. I want Sandy's series to be almost exclusively season one-style laid back episodes. But the good kind of laid back episodes, you know? Stuff like S1E6&7, that a lot of people dismiss, especially on a first watch, as nothing more than filler but actually serve as a subtle expansion/exploration of characters (“I also summoned monster trees with my stress, so. Should I see a doctor? We’ll worry about that later” still haunts me) and dynamics hidden under the guise of a silly little adventure with funny jokes, great animation, and fairly low stakes. 

I want to see what an appointment with Sandy’s therapist looks like, or even just the shenanigans he gets up to during those episodes where he’s mysteriously absent and only Tang seems to notice. 

I want to see Sandy teach Tang how to make tea, and maybe nerd out about those theories Sandy mentioned having about the gang's whole deal with the OG Companions.

I want to see Sandy’s endless teddy bear energy clash with Red-wants to seem intimidating but will also grab his new friends warm milk if they ask-Son. 

I want to see Wukong forced to have an extended conversation with Sandy, or really anyone from the team that isn’t MK or actively yelling at him, and getting to really see how they work off of each other. 

I want to see the secret ‘how do we help our clearly not okay friend?’ talks Mei and Sandy have behind MK’s back whenever he starts acting weird, and all the gossip that goes on during the yoga sessions they start doing together after Mei gets the Samadhi fire. 

I want to see Sandy talking with the little girl that LBD possessed, especially since something kind of similar happened to him during season 4, and accidentally becoming her new (and favorite) giant blue uncle. 

I want an episode of MK and Sandy hanging out. Just chilling on the boat, playing with Mo, going for a little walk around town until BOOM! Sandy brings MK to his unsuspecting therapist, who’s about to get the most interesting case of their career. And maybe, if we’re allowed a little angst, a discussion about how scary it is to be born with a lot of power that not only can, but will, hurt a lot of people if it isn't carefully controlled. About how they’ve tried, and failed, to avoid causing pain. About wanting to never cause pain, and how the futility of that sentiment almost outweighs the importance of trying anyways. 

And above all, I DEMAND a Pigsy-Sandy origin story! 

Anyways, this is basically just me edging ever closer to the brink of madness after you accidently inflicted No Thoughts, Only Sandy syndrome upon me with your last response. But, it's also an invitation to gush about Sandy some more, if you want, and also share anything you would want to see in a hypothetical Sandy show!

Unhinged Anon I got you, here's a motif post where I have every MK reflection in the whole show.

AND “I also summoned monster trees with my stress, so. Should I see a doctor? We’ll worry about that later” HAUNTS ME TOO. There's something about the way those shots are set up, cracking from blue to gold:

MK also becoming a "master of focus" in this ep, with focus becoming important later in episodes like 1x09 and 3x11/12 with Mei.

BUT ANON.

Imma use this ask as a spring board for one of my fav personal theories, which is this: OG Sandy, from the original jttw pilgrimage, is also our current day Sandy!

I'll probably throw this into an official theory post later, but for now I'll go into this theory underneath the cut:

First, let's start with 2x08 To Catch a Leaf, during which Sandy has several PTSD flashbacks:

So, the first one is some sort of battlefield, and the second one...

Is of Zhu Bajie?

Now, we know Pigsy has never worn an outfit like this based off of this comment in 4x05:

Pigsy: "Blue ain't really my color, but it beats looking like that monster, Zhu Ganglie."

-

The Pig Demon in that flashback from 2x08 HAS to be Zhu Bajie of the original jttw pilgrimage. But why would Sandy have a memory like that?

Next is the fact that while everyone else in 4x09 Roast of the Monkie Kids is compared to their past life, Sandy notably isn't.

Tang knows friendship, but unlike Tang Sanzang isn't studious.

Mei is bold and brave, but lacks Ao Lie's caution.

Pigsy like Zhu Bajie is stubborn, but he has the heart his predecessor originally lacked.

Yet this is all Subodhi has to say to Sandy:

Subdohi: "You have nothing more to learn my hilariously blue student! Another star for you!" Sandy: "Dooww thank you wise master!" Subodhi: "But! You're far too nice for your own good." Sandy: "Uh huh, you noticed!"

(4x09 Roast of the Monkie Kids)

-

It's exceedingly strange that in an episode where Subodhi breaks down everyone's character arcs, Sandy is told he's all good. He has nothing more to learn, and no more character development to go through.

Unless of course...Subodhi quite simply couldn't compare Sandy to his past life because there was no past life to compare him to.

Another detail in s4 that's always intrigued me is how Sandy is brought back to himself from Sha Wujing in 4x06.

Pigsy's heartfelt speech on the legacy of their past lives not defining their current one, or how they're not monsters, doesn't work. It's instead Mo offering Sandy wholehearted love that brings Sandy back:

Which, of course Sandy has a close bond with Mo, but Pigsy's speech wasn't anything to scoff at either:

Pigsy: "No. No! Just cause we look a certain way, cause our monster ancestors were, well, monsters, none of that matters! I won't let his legacy define mine, and neither should you! Your the strongest, the biggest, the bluest guy I know! But all you've ever used those muscles for is to help people in need—your friends. That don't sound like a monster to me." (4x06 Show Me the Monster)

As far as we know, that should have been the exact thing Sandy needed to be freed from his past life, and yet it wasn't.

That would be because, at least under the confines of this theory, the guy Pigsy is saying Sandy wasn't like was indeed who Sandy used to be. Yes, Sandy has far outgrown the person who fought to establish his own place in the world, learning that "hurting others isn't a measure of one's strength". But here's the thing, who you used to be matters. Unlike Pigsy's relationship with Zhu Bajie, Sandy's relationship with who he was in the past can't as easily be written off. It's still a part of him.

There are also certain other details. like the fact that Sandy knows his way to Flower Fruit Mountain in "A Hero is Born", or how he's so knowledgeable on ancient powerful remedies like the crimson jimson weed. Of course these details could be chalked up to plot convenience—which is by no means a flaw or complaint—but I've always wondered if there was anything more to it.

But, Sandy's more laid back reaction to most things has always intrigued me, and it would re-contextualize certain scenes like this one from 2x10 in a fun way:

Pigsy: "No! What could have been so important that you'd leave MK alone to face that- that thing! You're supposed to be his mentor-"

Sandy: "ENOUGH!" "I think we should give Mr. Monkey King, a chance to explain."

(2x10 This is the End!)

Of course with this theory comes a few questions, like why Sandy didn't meet the same fate as the other pilgrims, or why he wouldn't let Sun Wukong know he was alive, or why he would bother to pretend he wasn't the OG Sha Wujing at all. And honestly? I don't have an answer to these questions!

But what I do know is that Sandy's friends are greatly important to him-

Sandy: "Hurting others isn't a measure of one's strength—took me a really long time to realize that. As long as I'm doing something to help out a friend, I don't mind what it is! I just want to be there for 'em when they need me. Cause at the end of the day, helping my friends is more important than anything else in the world!" (2x08 To Catch a Leaf)

-and losing them would affect him greatly.

Whatever happened to the og jttw crew, that could very easily be the reason Sandy was "the most dangerous, deadly, rage filled warrior [Pigsy] ever [knew]". Based off of that 2x08 Zhu Bajie flashback, Sandy could very well have watched his friend die.

But, now that Sandy has his friends back in his life? Of course he's going to do whatever he can for them!

Which would include anything from making tea to breaking his vow to never fight again.

And please for the love of god give us a Pigsy - Sandy origin story. I'm begging. WHAT IS THEIR HISTORY MAN. WHY DID PIGSY KNOW HOW TO COMMIT A JAILBREAK.

[eviltiddyproductions]

I already know the endgame to Reply 1988 because I was initially avoiding the series because I’ve heard it being described as heartbreaking, emotional and a tear-jerking experience.

I’m 4 episodes in and I realise they meant it in a positive sense. 💀

It’s a truly moving show because tell me why Deoksun is getting treated as a middle child, Junghwan’s dad is getting ignored by his family and I’m the one fighting tears 😭

⚠️ SPOILERS! (In the year of our lord 2024, I was blissfully unaware of this show and it’s dynamics so if you’re too I spoil an important thing in this paragraph, LEAVE ! )

Anyway, I presumed the worst of this show before watching it thinking everyone was going to break up and go there separate ways and reconcile a little in the finale. I do not know why my mind went there seeing some random posts 💀 till my sister told me that she does end up with someone and it’s a wholesome series! She just doesn’t end up with Junghwan (he’s the male lead) and I started watching it immediately!

I’ve seen way too many shows recently where people have chemistry but they don’t end up together because people platonic relationships exists or, I’ve seen fantasy shows where one of the leads die or both do so it hasn’t been live, laugh, love in this house for a while!

I guess Reply 1988 makes up for that, they have enough love going on for everybody! I adore everyone.

What I’ve noticed up until now is that everywhere you look Junghwan is considered as the second male lead and I’m left scratching my head because I’d like to know how? 😭

He’s credited before Park Bogum, is the only person we’ve seen for the last 4 episodes through 90% of the show and we get things from his perspective???? Does that not make him the first male lead ? 😭

I was surprised because knowing the ending I assumed Bogum had an equally important character. But up until now, in these 4 episodes you only see him come and go for a few minutes. The majority of the show is focused on Junghwan, Deoksun and Sunwoo. They get to do all the main leads stuff too!

They’ve been to field trips together (loved that episode), they get alone time together, they have moments with and without the group, we see every minute interaction between them!

Taek (Bogum) is adored and just kinda exists ? Maybe he gets more and more screen time as the show progresses but if we pull up the basic characteristics of a leading man isn’t it Junghwan? 😭

All of this is alleged as of now though, I’ll re log another wonderful post I read which detailed how we see so many things from his perspective and that it isn’t really correct to call him the SML and I found myself agreeing because you don’t see most of the SML’s make decisions. They’re just there most of the time, existing and figuring things out in the limited amount of time they have.

We see Junghwan take initiative, we see his family a lot, we all find out he’s begun to like her because of the scenes that are written together and we watch him take initiative for things after noticing things with Deoksun. (the bus scene <3 )

I feel like if he was the SML he would’ve just done things without us knowing why he’s doing them lol.

I yap a lot !!! But I truly presumed that he was the second male lead in this show because people say he’s the reason they understand that syndrome but I think…. he might be one of the rare leads who doesn’t get the girl.

Not getting the girl doesn’t automatically make you the SML 😭 ???

Anyway I have like 16 episodes to go so I’ll let y’all know if I’ve done all this yapping to be wrong.

[ghostkit]

Vrolik Antilo Character Shits

OKAY NOBODY ASKED BUT I'M DROPPING THIS

Under a readmore because it got really fuckin long! Talk about disabilities and such under da cut

Vrolik was originally going to be a more general representation of myself, but slowly overtime, they came to symbolize one specific part of my identity that I thought would be interesting to explore in an environment like Alternia: my disability. I have Brittle Bone Disease (aka Osteogenesis Imperfecta), and I used Vrolik partly as a way to analyze how it’s impacted me as a person and how that might’ve been exaggerated on a different planet. Vrolik represents the struggles I had in relation to my disability, especially when I was around 13 like the Homestuck kids were.

Their name comes from Vrolik Syndrome, another name for BBD. Their last name, Antilo, comes from Antilocapra Americana, AKA the pronghorn like Vrolik’s lusus and horns are based on. Their name also contains the word “anti,” which I think is really funny considering their tendency to get in petty internet fights that mean absolutely nothing.

Their Trolltag (fragilitasOdium) comes from Fragilitas Ossium (again, BBD) and Odium: general/widespread hatred or disgust directed toward someone as a result of their actions. Foreshadowing.

Vrolik’s land is the Land of Ash and Vitriol, a desolate wasteland so uninhabitable they doubt there’s any other form of life left here at all. In every direction, all they can see is the smoky, dark sky, the ashy ground, the harsh sun burning through the clouds and smoke wherever it can. The only evidence of any life at all Vrolik can find are their remains. Gigantic skeletons protrude from the ground, huge rib cages and skulls acting as the only cover from the blistering heat.

Vrolik is an Heir of Rage, and there’s a lot of symbolism and shit there. I’m not super great with classpect analysis, so I’ve referenced a bunch of stuff from @dahniwitchoflight, @sylph-of-hope-analysis, and @classpector.

Rage as an aspect represents… Well, rage, but also fear, defiance, doubt, despair, and limited choice. Rage players are stubborn and rarely see any other path than the one they’re set on, but oftentimes other paths are simply unavailable to Rage players, something that might frustrate other players who can’t see how little choice the Rage-bound truly have. (almost like having an invisible disability. Some actions simply aren’t available to you, but since others can’t see it, they assume it isn’t there.)

Based on what I’ve seen, there’s a lot more speculation about what the Heir class represents than other classes, and I think they’re all relevant and important to Vrolik’s characterization. From the Homestuck wiki:

It is speculated that heirs are ones who invite change through [aspect]; they are apparently drawn to their aspect, subconsciously seeking it out. They may also be defined as one who is consumed by [aspect], one who becomes [aspect], or one who is surrounded by [aspect].

If inheritance is thought in terms of programming (which is a commonly visited subject in Homestuck), it can be speculated that heirs are those whose behavior and existence is controlled by and expected to represent [aspect], sometimes, independently of their own will. 

The title "Heir" could also have the more literal meaning one who inherits/receives [aspect].

Heirs are also passive rather than active, something that would greatly anger Vrolik. They desperately try to do things on their own and make changes happen and feel important to something, but they will never be the main character. Their “destiny” doesn’t include them being independent, but even if it means tearing the fabric game apart themself, even if it means destroying everything in the process, they refuse to sit back and feel useless again. Big Monika DDLC syndrome.

(I’m realizing they kinda ghost destructive classes/aspects like Princes or Doomplayers.)

So with all this, Vrolik is someone who is subconsciously drawn to/seeks out their own rage and negative emotions, often feeling surrounded by them or trapped within them with no way out. They feel trapped and helpless in many aspects of their life, and it enrages them. Hell, they feel trapped within their own anger sometimes, often being controlled by their negative emotions more than they can control them. They feel completely powerless in their disability, so they overcompensate in other areas where they do have control. They’re deeply stubborn, digging their heels in the ground and refusing to give in, even on silly and inconsequential conflicts simply because it’s the only way they know to retain any power over themself. They refuse help even when they might really need it, preferring to fail at their goals through their own means than succeed while depending on someone else again. Having help means they couldn’t do it alone, and when they already can’t do so much, they desperately want to prove to both themself and the people around them that they’re capable.

Vrolik also harbors a lot of anger and frustration toward this. They’re angry that they’re so angry all the time, and that they have so little agency, and that they’ve been put on this path without any input from them. By nature, Vrolik is consumed by Rage because of Rage. Their life is controlled by and completely represents Rage, and in a way, they’ve literally inherited it as well. Vrolik’s frustration and anger toward the world ties directly to their disability. When Vrolik inherited their disease, they inherited the anger with it. You could almost say it’s in their bones.

They also sometimes intentionally seek out content or people they know will upset/trigger them. The people in their life have been trying to put a stop to it, but telling Vrolik not to do something kind of only spurs them on even more in a “you can’t tell me what to do” kind of way. Vrolik is the type to get in heated arguments in someone’s Twitter replies because they don’t know when to just stop typing. They’re easily manipulatable in this way and internet trolls can very easily take advantage of that. In terms of seeking out people they know might anger them, I imagine this also makes them very susceptible to emotional self-harm and abusive relationships. Not because they think they deserve to hurt, but because they’re naturally drawn toward anger and fear. They can’t just stop when they’re upset and they don’t know how to walk away.

Getting into the content of Vrolik’s hypothetical session and some more of that symbolism shit:

Vrolik wasn’t really intended to survive their entire game. When they entered into the Land of Ash and Vitriol, a barren, unforgiving wasteland, they weren’t fated to make it. This environment wasn’t made to accommodate them, nothing ever really has been. Maybe they were meant to die a long time ago or maybe they were meant to die here, but Vrolik knows they were meant to die.

So they do. They die as they lived: consumed by their own anger, running off alone, doing some stupid shit from their rage. They die angry for the life they’ve been robbed of, terrified of what comes after, and deeply jealous of their teammates, wanting to scream but being unable to. They’re inconsolable, and yet they’re grateful nobody else is there. Even while they slowly bleed out underneath the smoky, gray sky, the idea of someone else seeing them in their greatest moment of weakness and pain terrifies them more than death does.

However. Someone else in their session is right behind them. Their body is found very shortly after, and their teammate refuses to just let them die now. They drag their body to their quest bed, forcing them to be revived via godtiering. Again, lack of choice, things being decided for them, etc.

There’s a reason I called Vrolik’s land the “Land of Ash and Vitriol,” even though it doesn’t relate to their whole BBD shtick. Godtiering gives them a lot of new power and control they’ve never had before, and considering their insecurity about feeling helpless, that can become incredibly dangerous if they aren’t careful. For their entire life, Vrolik has been like bottled fire, raging on the inside but contained by their own circumstances outside their own control. But now that the bottle’s shattered, they need to learn to control their fire alone. Vrolik is like a phoenix, completely consumed by and now representing the fire inside them. They literally rise up from the ashes, given new life and blazing.

In modern terms, vitriol refers to “abusive or venomous language used to express blame, censure or bitter, deep-seated ill will.” However, vitriol was originally an alchemical term for sulfuric acid. Vitriol was one of the main ingredients needed to create a philosopher’s stone, used to give eternal life (almost like godtiering might).

Additionally, vitriol was a Latin acronym for alchemists. “Visita Interiora Terrae Rectificando Invenies Occultum Lapidem” roughly translates as, “by visiting the center of the earth and by purifying yourself, you will find the hidden stone.” In order to create the philosopher’s stone (and to cleanse one’s own soul), it takes a lot of work, and failure to do so correctly will cause the acid to corrode everything (or cause your faults to consume you). If the work was easy, everyone would do it. Vrolik might’ve already godtiered, but this is just the beginning of their uphill battle. They’ve just gotten the vitriol, they’ve only just gotten that important and dangerous part. Now they’ve gotta treat it with care and put in the work to keep it from dissolving them from the inside out. 

IN CONCLUSION. I’m crazy <3

[letstalkwhump]

Let's Talk Whump No. 10

Welcome to Let’s Talk Whump, a series of interviews that spotlight the amazing people in our whump community. I’m Malice and I’ll be your host. 

Today we have @suspicious-pools-of-blood joining us to share his whump story!

Tell us a fact or two about yourself!

I'm a butch (he/him) and I enjoy rock climbing, leatherworking, and losing my entire goddamn mind over Xena: Warrior Princess. 

What does whump mean to you? 

To me it can range anywhere from a trope to a vibe involving some kind of hurt. I definitely consider angst to be whump.

How did you find the whump community? 

It was actually very straightforward; I was up one night and the word "whump" kept rattling around my brain, I'd probably seen it tagging a fanfic at some point, but I didn't know what it meant, so I looked it up and found a definition followed by the Tumblr community. Specifically, it was albino-whumpee's writing that came up, so I was introduced to whump and box boys and WRU all at once. I stayed up all night reading their stuff and then made a sideblog and dove in, dragging my OCs down with me. 

Do you think your views on whump has changed? Maybe the way you consume whump media?

This community was basically my first foray into reading original fiction online instead of just fanfic, and now that's definitely what I read most.

Favourite whump trope?

One of my favorite tropes is carewhumpers--not of the bad caretaker variety, but more whumpers who don't let whumpee have any caretaker but whumper themself. Relatedly, I like captor bonding (not sure if that's an actual term, but that's what I call it because the term Stockholm syndrome has a super gross history), as well as intimate whumpers, nsfwhump/noncon/dubcon, slavery, power imbalances, etc. Also a big fan of a whumpee who internalizes their hurt hard enough to become a whumper against a new whumpee, continuing the cycle of violence and abuse rather than the typical whumped-turned-whumper trope where the two characters just switch roles. I really like the mental/emotional side of whump, seeing how both whumper and whumpee feel about what's happening, why whumper does what they do, and how the whump changes both of them as people.

And your favourite piece you've written? 

Really hard to pick, but currently I'll have to go with Not You Too and its companion piece Wish . It's more angst than any physical whump, but it's an important piece for developing and understanding the psyche of my main character.

What's your writing style like? 

Oh man, calling myself out here on this one. Don't be like me, kids. Often times I find that not being sober helps me get over mental blocks that prevent me from getting the words onto the page. It depends on what I'm writing, but usually a couple bourbon old fashioneds or an edible get me into the mood to write, night time, lights off, candle lit on my desk, relevant OC or WIP playlist playing. I'm trying to get better about that though because needing to be intoxicated to write is not good. I try to write regularly but usually I just end up sitting in front of my Notion board for hours on end while procrastinating on work I should be doing.

Is there anything you struggle with writing?

Cisheterosexuality is fuckin impossible for me to write.  I have no experience with it so I'm profoundly confused when I have to write about it for plot reasons

Is there anything you're working on at the moment?

The current piece I'm working on is my main character's first time sleeping with another woman. I am, if nothing else, committed to realism in writing, so I did spend more time than I wanted to today remembering my own first time and cringing but hey, at least I got the vibe!

Do you have any writing advice?

Make some lil guys and rotate them in your mind; literally no one can stop you

Shout out time!

@winedark-whumpk-whump has some truly fantastic stories and was really encouraging when I was struggling with engagement and feeling self-conscious about my original content.

Anything you'd like to add? 

Thank you so much for this interview, this was lots of fun!

Thank you for joining us, @suspicious-pools-of-bloodod ! It was great to have you here!

And to all you folks at home, have a whump-derful day!

[solarsavoy]

For the fandom ask, Chrono Cross! ^^

I saw this right before I fell asleep and my phone wouldn't let me copy/paste stuff properly, so I'm finally doing it now. 😅 Thank, by the way. Didn't expect one for Chrono Cross, but I'm very happy about it. ^^

blorbo (favorite character, character I think about the most)

Serge. 🥰 It might be main character syndrome, seeing as he doesn't really have much personality, but in a way, because of that, he reminds me of Deshi. He's the ideal game MC, one that just does what the player wants, but I like to imagine he's just introspective most of the time. In some moments, it's easy to imagine how he feels. Who would want to change their appearance so suddenly like that? (As in not in a preferred way. I'd love to suddenly wake up with Stag's body instead of my own. XD) And he's timid, but he still shows fear by backing up, and it's just so cute. I often wonder if Serge inspired the character that is now Deshi more than I originally intended because of that. I really just want to give him a big hug and just smush his face with my cheek. XD Which is why I almost named him my scrunkly.

scrunkly (my “baby”, character that gives me cuteness aggression, character that is So Shaped)

Van. He doesn't exactly inspire cuteness aggression, but I do want to adopt him and give him a better life, kind of like what Serge did. And he's so spoiled in the other world.... XD Kind of reminds me of Izzy, who would inspire some cuteness overload. XD Most of these characters are more tragic though instead of cute, so it was hard to pick one. 😅

scrimblo bimblo (underrated/underappreciated fave)

Miguel. Yet another tragic story, and one of the hardest battles in the whole game to me. Poor guy. He really got the shit end of the stick, but he's a good friend, and in my opinion, a really good soul. After not going crazy stuck in a place like that, he only went hard on you because he knew the battles after that moment were only going to be harder. And they were.

I'd like to add a second one here, because she's also truly underappreciated. Orlha. She's the only twin mentioned in the game and her backstory is also quite tragic (a theme I'm sensing). She's essentially like Tifa from FFVII, a lady you don't want to mess with, but she eventually gets some catharsis from her sister's death by visiting the other world. She's also one of the few that's closely tied to the very tiny bit of background you get from another character (since there are so many). They really did well with her, but you get her so late in the game compared to most. Anyway, I really like her. And now I'm wondering if there isn't a bit of her in Lannamay. XD Wow, this game subconsciously inspired more for Krystar than I thought.

glup shitto (obscure fave, character that can appear in the background for 0.2 seconds and I won’t shut up about it for a week)

I wasn't sure where to put kid, but I do like her. And because her other half probably is underappreciated, I'll put it under the guise of Schala. This is more from Chrono Tigger, but Schala was once a powerful magic user (think Panko strong). For her to be the one that was eternally bound to Lavos for a neverending battle... and to send out Kid just so she could find happiness... only for it to end up tragic because of Lynx.... This poor girl. :/ And I love her for the depth she provides in Kid's character. It's the sole reason she ends up in the credits the way she does. She wants to find the one she loves, but she's living, because that is her purpose now.

poor little meow meow (“problematic”/unpopular/controversial/otherwise pathetic fave)

Harle. Arguably my favorite character in the whole game. When you really dig down into her story, it's so tragic. The poor girl really never had a chance or choice, but she still flirted and smiled and took everything on with a kind of playful attitude. No wonder. She was expecting what happened to her...

horse plinko (character I would torment for fun, for whatever reason)

Pierre. Look, guy's super pathetic, okay? And you can't argue that watching him get teased and tormented would be entertaining. XD Cue Stag chasing him with a sword screaming "I thought we were going to fight!" XD Thanks again for that little ficlet of yours. About time I reread it....

eeby deeby (character I would send to superhell)

Lynx. He's pure evil. You might feel bad for him because he was ultimately used just like everyone else, but he was literally made for that and did it gloriously, unlike Harle, and without reserve. He truly did not care, and for that, superhell for you.

Jerk.

Thanks again for requesting Chrono Cross! Again, soooo happy you enjoyed the game. ^^

Ask thing.

[littleprincessfawn]

Do I tell my internet people's what's going on with me (suicidal), do I lie and say I'm just unwell/busy, do I ghost and say nothing? Trying to figure out the ethical path here.

I can't lie, I just can't do it so I don't think I can lie and say it's something else.

So it's either overshare/traumadump/traumatise people by saying what's going on with me, and some of those people have cautioned me in the past not to overshare and trauma dump with stuff I thought was quite trivial as I hold back the majority of my truly horrific info/bio so it's like I only ever showed the tip of the Iceberg of F*ckedupness and that was enough to apparently freak people out so given that knowledge how do I casually say: 'yo I can't be online tonight to mod because I'm fighting my urge to die and I don't want any of you to be around me or witness me, lolz have a good one!' in a way these people would find not 'too much'?

So I'm leaning more towards the just ghost everyone method because honestly there's enough good folks around I don't think anyone will even notice my absence really but then I do feel bad about that too because normally I DO communicate e.g. oh I'm sick/need sleep so won't be around today. Because I feel communicating I won't be there is the respectful thing to do so people know I won't be there but maybe I should never have been doing that in the first place maybe that makes me look like I have 'main character syndrome' or something.

I could just say 'i won't be in today, hope everyone has a good one!' without elaborating but I feel that comes across as rude or dismissive or like I'm not taking things seriously. Urgh.

I hate how rubbish I am at communicating in an acceptable way. I wish over sharing wasn't seen as so criminal socially. I wish humans were more able to hear about how life is without freaking out.

I think in this particular case with this particular group of people it's best for me to not say anything.

If I don't say anything, that means I don't say anything 'wrong'.

They're good people. I don't want to harm or sully them with my reality. I want to protect them from me.

[number-0-iz]

hi there! this is your secret santa for the grishaverse! i was wondering if you could give me some information on your interests?? like what other media do you like?? (shows, movies, etc.) who is your favorite grishaverse character & ship, what is your favorite genre to read or watch, is there any kind of content you don't like, and are there any triggers i should stay away from, and anything else you wanna share! thanks in advance : )

Oof that's quite the ask! Well here we go:

Other interests:

This is gonna sound cheesy but I love writing when I get the time. The main character of my grishaverse fanfic, Anya Oryalen, truly has a special place in my heart and just feels so real to me, it's a feeling I can't describe.

A lot of the commenters on the fanfic seem to love her as well and it's just something so personal. I have been told that she is a true inspiration and that she is very realistically written in trying to overcome obstacles and hardships and her own walls.

I love to draw but I haven't been able to do it in ages thanks to college and assignments and stuff.

I obviously love to read.

I also love editing for my books and upload then to my YouTube frequently.

Love having sister nights with my older sisters when we're all together.

What other medias do I like:

Well currently I am reading Blades Of Light And Shadow book 2 on the choices stories you play app! I liked book 1 more than book 2 but I still really like it!

I am also on another rewatch of Friends! And Shadow And Bone season 2 so I can take notes for my fanfic!

I haven't really had the time to read other books what with college classes and stuff but the last book I read was Once And Future Witches, currently reading Dragonflight by Anne McCaffery. I also finished volume two of the manga In The Land Of Leadale.

My favourite characters:

My favourite grishaverse characters are Kaz Brekker and Nikolai Lantsov! I have done deepdives on their character, what other people think of them etc as to write beautiful and full characters for my fanfic.

My favourite grishaverse ship:

I'm gonna sound very very basic but I love Kanej. I also like David/Genya and show Malina but not as much as them.

My favourite genre

Well I really love different variations of fantasy. Like contemporary fantasy (fantasy elements in a world like ours), full on fantasy world, historical fantasy, high fantasy and dark fantasy.

I also do quite like Sci fi.

Content I don't like:

(Trigger warning ahead)

Dark genre books that basically tries to reason that things like rape or stalking are okay or sexy. When I say I like dark fantasy, I mean in the sense with gore and death and violence and war and not whatever shit like Haunting Adeline or some SJM stuff that tries to talk good about stuff like abduction. Or the glorification of shit like Stockholm syndrome like in those 365 movies. Read and watch that all you like but keep it away from me and do keep in mind that it is and should always stay fictional.

I'm not a big romance read because I often find that when one focuses solely on the romance storyline, other might suffer. I really prefer it as a sub genres because that way other genres in a book or show can make it feel more whole and complete.

Something else I don't like is how people claim that 'art' or 'architecture' or 'pictures' made by AI are real art/architecture/pictures. I cannot stand that shit. As a writer, artist (don't post that stuff and haven't worked on it a while but still), a person studying Interior Design, that is the type of shit that I absolutely despise and it will have a major effect of the things I will do as a job in the future. Sure some AI can and probably will be helpful in the future but stuff like MidJourney and OpenAI are the dangerous ones that you shouldn't trust at all.

That's about all I can think of! Do come back again and I hope to see more!

[rinisbowen]

glad we can agree that ricky bowen isn’t toxic like some like to make him out to be. i feel like he’s judged way too harshly in this fandom and gets the blame for things he doesn’t really do

hi! thanks for this tbh anon <3 it's always nice to see someone agrees with me here. i'm usually just talking and then maybe someone will resonate with it or maybe not.

but honestly it drives me up a wall anon, because you're absolutely right. he's judged incredibly harshly in a way that even characters set up as antagonists initially aren't and haven't been. sometimes it's a josh thing, sometimes it's a nini thing or a gina thing, sometimes it’s a ship thing... but the result is the same. he's a teenage boy who's going through quite a lot of stuff- and he's a good person at the end of the day.

i think people need to remember that as per tim's own statements, the show is about good people being generally good to each other. these are all good kids. and they mess up sometimes too, but they're a theatre family, for better and for worse.

it's potentially main character syndrome in some senses, arguably, where the fact we focus on a main character more (in this case ricky and nini, who do get more focus than the others) means that chances are if they're interacting with a less primary character they're going to be dealing with something related to the primary character... that is what contributes to the ricky's a terrible friend thing. like 'ricky's a horrible friend to big red' no he isn't- he's just the main character. also he does repeatedly support big red so idk what that's about truly.

all these narratives- ricky's a terrible friend to the wildcats, ej should punch ricky for what he did to gina (i see it in fic mostly, but i also have seen it in this fandom more broadly too. maybe someday i'll write about my dislike for the romanticization of violence in fandom), ricky's a toxic person, ricky should've helped this person with their problems even though they're not close and they didn't tell him about those problems so he had no way of knowing, ricky should've done this that and the other thing, etc... it just doesn't accurately portray the story that's being told on this show.

--

also bc it's somewhat adjacent to this topic- if people could stop doing the 'i only ship ricky with therapy' thing i'd love that please and thanks. i can rant for so long about this but it needs to end- it should've never started to begin with. if someone wants me to talk about it i will but- idk if i need to start anything rn haha

[bluetomorrows]

Going Through My Movies Part 2: Anomalisa (2015)

Okay before I get into this absolute mindfuck let me just talk about this one's Looney Tune

The second entry in Chuck Jones' Hunting Trilogy and yet another one of the most iconic Looney Tunes made. What is there to say about these shorts that hasn't already been said. Bugs and Daffy's dynamic is wonderful. Bugs does drag and Daffy plays the role of a reactionary conservative because he doesn't understand pronouns. Absolutely wonderful stuff. If you haven't seen this, or the other two for that matter please correct that. You'd be surprised how many different positions they come up with for Daffy's beak

Have you ever been walking down the street in a big city, ignoring the hundreds of people you pass, not really registering them, when suddenly a thought pops into your head:

All of these people live, have led, will lead, lives just as complex as mine. They're thinking, feeling beings, just like me. They've had the same amount of experiences as me. Every single person is just as different and complicated as I am.

You think it. Hell, you probably say something similar to it all the time, but do you really truly believe it? Do you think it, consciously or subconsciously, when you interact with others? You probably don't

We have this idea, usually subconsciously, that we're the only person in the world. Everyone around us is an NPC, we're the only real person. Everyone else exists in relation, revolving around us. I wouldn't even say this feeling is self-centred, not really. You can experience it and still be a nice and empathetic person, it's just immensely difficult to comprehend

This is the idea at the center of Anomalisa. Our main character, Michael is completely disconnected from those around him. He perceives everyone around him with the same face and the same voice. This includes everyone he meets on his travels as a motivational speaker, all his ex-girlfriends, and even his wife and son. Needless to say, Michael is extremely lonely and lives a very unfulfilling life. However, halfway through the movie, he meets Lisa, a woman with a different face and a different voice. He immediately becomes obsessed with her.

I should make it clear now that I do not think Michael is supposed to be viewed as a good person. I've seen some reviews of this movie which seem to imply it suffers from what I call "Licorice Pizza Syndrome", where the audience automatically assumes that you're supposed to like and/or pity the main character when really the film is criticizing them. Remember when I said this feeling that those around you aren't as "real" as you wasn't selfish or bad? That doesn't apply to Michael. He has always viewed those around him as a means to an end. What he wants from the company of others simply isn't real. He wants to connect to someone who is distant and different, separated from the mundanity of everyday life, someone exciting, someone to make him feel alive.

It's the reason why when he spends more time with Lisa and realizes that she's just like the rest of us, just a normal person, she fades into the sea of faces he's accustomed to.

Anomalisa is ultimately a movie about fantasies. The fantasy version of ourselves, the fantasy we make for our desires, and what happens when reality doesn't meet our fantasy. It's quite unlike anything I've seen before but still extremely relatable.

Another thing that strikes me about Anomalisa is the medium. I enjoy a fair amount of stop-motion movies. I have a lot of respect for the craft, but I think Anomalisa is the first one I've seen that can ONLY work in stop-motion. This would absolutely not work in normal live-action or 2D animation, you just couldn't portray the main concept. You might be able to get away with it in CG animation, but I think you'd be losing a lot. The fine details afforded by stop-motion films ground us in the mundanity of real life. The stylization of CG animation would take that away. Nothing in Anomalisa is allowed to be a spectacle, because spectacles are supposed to be rare.

Anyways, I can't recommend Anomalisa enough. It is a BRISK 90 minutes so you don't have much to lose. Do be prepared for a scene of puppets having sex though.

The next film in my collection is A Brighter Summer Day directed by Edward Yang. I loved Yang's Yi Yi so I am VERY excited to watch it, but not super excited for that 4 hour run time, a harsh contrast to Anomalisa.

Anyways, see ya when I see ya

[ginjointsintheworld]

Leyla needs to unpack her own insecurity and imposter Syndrome. Listen, I get being an immigrant doctor far away from home, because I am one myself. But God forbid I think I didn't earn my spot. The imposter Syndrom comes once in a while, but Lord knows I worked hard. But equally important and pivotal was the help I got along the way from strangers I met when I got to a new country. And I am grateful I stayed open and accepted that help.

Leyla seeing all that genuine help as being bought is unfortunate and she needs to ask herself why. Because long before they fell in love, all Bloom wanted to do was appreciate /give help to a woman who she knew needed it but mostly because she wanted to show her own gratitude for saving her patient. And well because she is just a nice person.

So while we say and wish Lauren to unpack her trauma, I hope Leyla gets to do same because there's something there to unpack.

It's okay to say and feel that way in the heat of the moment, but I hope the writers actually for once dig deep. The way they leave loose ends and just move on from issues like they themselves didn't introduce these things is lazy, baffling and just rubbish.

I feel like my last ask invalidated Leyla's feelings which isn't the case (I'm anon immigrant doctor lol) she is totally allowed to feel all she feels. My point was simply, on this journey one needs help in all the ways possible. Of course I'm not saying Lauren was right. It makes me wonder if her reaction would have been different and if she would have still stayed at NA is Lauren told her right after she did this, and not just because of her own insecurity but because she truly believes she deserves the spot because of how good she is. I think these two things can be correct. I know that taking away Leyla's agency is one of the biggest if not the biggest issue here.

In my final year in med school doing rotations, I got a spot for surgery and obgyn at a hospital(whole different country from where I schooled) . I wanted Peds too, but I never got a response cos the HOD died and they were a bit all over the place. This Prof from surgery who took a liking to me from our convo figured I was leaving after those 2 rotations to some other city for Peds. He said, err I don't think you should go there because "they aren't very open there" and he said he would put in a word with the interim peds HOD. Which he did, I got an email and I was good to go. I remain very grateful for that, cos I fell I love with Peds there...but I digress.

Again, Leyla's agency was taken from her but believing all the other genuine stuff Lauren did from the very first day she used those showers was to buy her, is just... No. But I understand

Anyway, I do like we are discussing all the different facets of this.. Interesting. Thanks for engaging and your nuanced responses even as we all have our unified bias :)

you know, i have to thank you for your ask(s) because it was one of the last ones i read before going to sleep last night and i kept mulling on it throughout the day and as i rewatched the episode and it helped me put a finger on what's been nagging at me. on my first watch of the new episode, the realization that struck me the hardest during their final scene was that lauren and leyla both have their own traumas and history to work through.

it's easy to focus on lauren's flaws and faults because she's the main character, we've been with her for 3 seasons, gotten detailed looks into her past and struggles and well let's be honest she does still have a lot to reconcile. but when leyla made that comment about the food and clothes and saying that it's on her for going along with those things, it frustrated me on a visceral level i didn't expect. i'm a first generation american and i was raised all my life with this idea of doing it yourself and every good deed or nice thing someone does for you has an unspoken string attached that you need to pay back. so i understand that chip on your shoulder that leyla has but. that's not a good thing. needlessly suffering or enduring hardship or being distrustful of kind gestures to feel like you've truly earned something isn't a healthy. it twists me up even more that the writers are putting such an emphasis on this idea of earning your success without the help of anyone or anything through leyla when we know so little about her backstory. like we know she was a doctor and she trained in war torn areas, she's had hardships, "i've always scraped by. done the best i could with what little i had." but there's so much more i need to know. why is her idea of success and worth so deeply engrained in that concept? because it's not /just/ about money. i mean leyla turned down a spot at a shelter and would rather live in her car on the streets in nyc. why? did she think someone else was more needy than her for that resource? what would it have taken for her to accept going to a shelter? where was her line before admitting okay, i could use some help? with her being a reoccuring character i don't know if we're going to get someone challenging leyla on that or see her introspection.

look, i totally get the fury at the 5th spot situation because that was a whole different universe of crossing lines. but the way she lumped in the clothes and food to this idea of being bought? being owned? to say that those were things she didn't think she earned? it's like finding out about the 5th spot dropped this shroud over her eyes that made her retroactively see things in ways that aren't true. similar to what happened in 4x02 with the residents. they told her that her technology, not having to take 4 buses to get to work, made her privileged. that her success came from those things. but it wasn't true. we literally see the episode and countless scenes in future episodes that disprove that notion. lauren buying food and clothes for leyla weren't attempts at owning her or buying her affection. like you said anon, lauren is a genuinely nice person who makes kind gestures. from wiping out the waitlist for the meals for senior program so her patient wouldn't suffer from malnutrition to giving brandon her personal number in 4x01 so he would have help remembering how to take his medicine to providing all the residents with new ipad and equipment because everyone deserves a level playing field.

leyla, lauren literally came home one day and tried to break up with you at one point. why would she do that if she was trying to own you? you told her that the nice things made you feel like you didn't deserve what you had so she said okay, then you can start paying rent because i don't want you to ever feel like that. lauren could have just as easily left it at giving the other residents those things so they were all on even footing between each other. but she took everything leyla said to heart and offered her fix for them. because lauren doesn't do things with the expectation of leyla's affection or devotion or to wield control over her. in lauren's eyes, especially when they got together, they're partners. what's lauren's is leyla's.

and leyla, who's just as headstrong and stubborn, who we've seen put lauren in her place so many times, turn down things lauren's offered, she just "went along with" it even though it made her feel wrong? this concept of surviving, the struggle to survive, it takes a toll on you. it took a toll on leyla, "you gave me a bed at the hospital and then this. i didn't have to worry about surviving, i could study." her attempts to become a doctor again was literally, actively, being hindered because she was focused on surviving. guess what? food, shelter, clothes, are all part of that. how could lauren in good conscious, whether leyla had been her friend or girlfriend, just let her go without those things when they're something she can offer help with?

and while i get that it was in the heat of the moment, it felt so unfair for leyla to say that what lauren feels for her isn't love. it is. those material things, that 5th spot, weren't the only things lauren provided. so also gave leyla emotionally support, comfort, offering up her own vulnerability, other small gestures like studying with her for the review in the closet during their shift. those things mattered too and those were also ways that lauren showed her love for leyla. leyla knows that. she said as much "just grateful. for these days, this moment. none of it possible without you." i genuinely don't think she said that feeling discontent or indebted. narratively, i've never seen reason to believe leyla ever felt those kind gestures from lauren were ways that she was being bought or owned.

you're right anon, i do think leyla has a strong case of imposter syndrome and that fed into her reaction as well. it was first apparent in her disbelief and way she talked about herself getting a residency spot in 3x14 and cycled through again in 4x02 and 4x03 but i thought from then on it had mostly been settled. but finding out about the truth behind the 5th spot brought the imposter syndrome roaring back to life despite when she heard about it, floyd was complimenting her relentlessly, praising her talent and even offering his own revelation about nottingham and how his spot being bought also didn't take away from the fact that he's an exceptional doctor. so leyla reverted back to holding herself to these impossible standards, the same one that had her trying to study for a massive medical license exam while working full time as a driver and living in her car. that thinking of if she can't achieve success independently, she's unworthy of it. falls back on this idea that her success is fraudulent despite having the chief of general surgery validating her skills and talent.

i think there's an intentional disconnect between what leyla said about their relationship in that last scene and what we've seen in the narrative just like there was a disconnect between the residents' (later to become leyla's) claims and the narrative. i can only hope that the writers are planning to properly explore it. they chose this storyline, the least they can goddamn do is do it justice.