#some specific tags bc I already did that last year and have now read most of the fics that come up that way 😪

[burntblueberrywaffles]

Anidala is definitely one of the most annoying ship to be completely obsessed with because there’s so many fucking fics under the ao3 tag and yet I can’t find anything to read, because people keep tagging them on stories where they’re a very background relationship.

Do you understand the hell im going through spending hours sorting through this fucking ao3 tag and having to scroll past all these non-Anidala centered fics, only able to find one or two new, decent looking fics to read?? DO YOU UNDERSTAND????

[freeuselandonorris]

hi! i've been thinking about this for some time; when did you realise that lando and oscar had potential as a pairing? like is there a specific video/moment that got you thinking 'ooh that's a very interesting dynamic/there's something more behind this stare/gesture etc etc' and that eventually led you to write rpf of them (for which i'm very grateful 🙏🏻). i think mine has to be the finish the lyrics video with oscar looking at lando while licking/biting his lips (at 3:56) and i was kinda flabbergasted bc even though i had been following the sport and the extra content for a while and also knew that ppl shipped charles and max and such i wasn't really aware of the possibilities this sport presented. and this video kinda led me down a rabbit hole of searching for fics on ao3 etc... so yeah i was curious to know what was your starting point with landoscar!

also, somewhat related but what's the video/picture of them that feels the most intimate to you? in a 'i shouldn't be seeing this' way. the behind the scenes video of the opening credits for the 2024 season and stuff (at 2:18 ) is the first thing that comes to mind, with their little convo that feels so normal and laid-back and yeah, intimate. + the thing lando does with his fingers while looking oscar dead in the eye got me blushing. maybe it's because of the hushed tone, the fond looks and the smiles they exchange, the small talk etc but hhh idk i love this vid so much. also the fact that oscar is the only one who goes to see his teammate getting ready? anyways. i could also list the countless pictures of oscar looking at lando like he hung all of the stars in the sky but i won't bc this ask is already long enough!

hope you have a lovely day/afternoon/evening depending on the time it is when you're reading this!

helloooo!! ahh this is such a cute q and a nice excuse to go back through my mctwinks tag thank you 🥰

so i’ve been watching F1 and reading fic for it for 47292 years now and i read a bit of dando when they were teammates (and an even smaller bit of carlando but i am very meh about carlos) so i was like. aware of lando as an rpf concept but didn’t really get super into him?

thennn i read a few oscarmark fics around the time he joined mclaren, and a few months after that i also saw the two extremely camp lando moments that are red flag green flag and whatever the hell was going on with that baseball guy. at which point i caught brain rot and demanded that @scenetocause do a roundup of landoscar fics for me.

(this moment literally had me googling 'is lando norris bisexual')

i do think though that the moment that made me really get obsessed with them and want to write as much as possible for them (and definitely the catalyst for starting mondayverse!) was also finish the lyrics! the ‘love story’ bit in particular really had me like. going full galaxy brain about them. it just really sums up their dynamic to me, lando being a bit of a show-off because he's revelling in oscar's attention and oscar happy to give it to him and also kind of shyly being nudged into performing a bit too. wauuuh.

and YESSSS the little smoothie moment!!! god. that was also my first thought for most intimate moment between them both, the way they match each other’s vocal cadences and the whole conversation has that sweet air of a series of in-jokes (“this is what we LIVE for!”) just makes me feel sooo warm and fuzzy about them. it's intimate in the sweetest, softest, most mundane sense of the word. also lando fingerbangs a table and that should not be overlooked.

runner up moment goes to this tiny moment from lando that i love so much, in the season wrap-up video last year where he makes this sweet little heart gesture and his face lights up when oscar compliments him. makes me melt every time.

thanks anon this was v enjoyable to think about even though my answers don’t differ from yours very much! hope you’re having a lovely day too 💕

[kittick-art]

Wahoo, time for another Animatic Deep Dive!

I did this on twitter after my jeanmarco animatic came out last year, and I wanted to do something similar for the Royai animatic! This post will include HD stills from the animatic, as well as some nerdy insight into some shot choices and such, bc I need an outlet to geek out about it. Everything is under the ‘keep reading’ break! :]

Ok to start off, I wanted to show some behind-the-scenes stuff, including my first thumbnails I drew in my sketchbook, as well as part of the shot sheet that kept me organized (and sane) throughout the animatic.

Also, fun fact is that I'm primarily a 3D animator, so I used that knowledge to sculpt a rough version of Mustang's office for the final shot :]

Ok so now for actual stills...starting with one of my FAVORITE sequences to draw, which I have dubbed 'the scrolling bit.'

And a fun little composition tidbit about this sequence is that I tried to show the passage of time through Roy & Riza's placement in the shots. So in order, they progressively go from the right of the screen to the left. It was actually a really last-minute decision, bc originally I had two different shots (see below) which got scrapped in order to do that silly compositional thing. I think it was a worthy sacrifice because that drawing of Black Hayate on Mustang's head was just so fun to draw.

OKAY, now I want to move onto my favorite part of any animatic, which is the pretentious stuff about 'character placement' and "the deeper meaning." Blah blah, all that art-school kind of stuff that you'd hear in some film analysis class.

It's not intentional whatsoever, but I realized after the animatic was finished that Hawkeye is almost always on Mustang's righthand side, other than a select few times when he's the one supporting her. Feel free to look into that if you'd like, but just know it was not intentional and isn't consistent 100% of the time.

What was intentional, however, were these 4 shots, and specifically the placement of Mustang & Hawkeye within them:

These 2 sequences are meant to be direct parallels to each other, in everything including how Mustang turns to Hawkeye, and Hawkeye is already facing him. They were also my favorite shots to animate, especially with Riza coming out of her salute. Seeing them in the final animatic almost made me tear up, ngl. They're just so dang in love!

Finally, the last part that holds some artsy deeper meaning is a sequence I actually shared a long long time ago. I've dubbed it the 'spotlight section' bc idk how else to describe it.

Back when I teased this sequence, I alluded to some "deeper meaning" behind the use of red in the tags. And while the use of red is a pivotal thing throughout the entire animatic, it's most important here. It starts on Hawkeye's back, then transfers to Mustang's glove, and finally goes back to Hawkeye as her blood. Basically what I was trying to get at was something about consequences, and where flame alchemy has led them. In some way or another, Riza's decision to show Roy her tattoo ended up leading to her own (near) demise. So the red was supposed to show that transfer of consequence, if that makes sense.

ANYWAYS. Enough of me rambling. Thank you for reading if you somehow made it this far. All the love on this animatic - even since I first started teasing it back in November - has been insane to me. I still feel like I can't wrap my head around it. I'll leave you all with one last sketch from when I first started making the animatic. Have a good night, everyone!

[amethystina]

I was casually rereading whtd, as one does, and reading the comments (because i love the extra insight you give about the information that we're limited to in Ga On's pov) when i stumbled upon this comment: "… sort everything out? (and no one dies along the way, hopefully) He'll be very happy for them." about lawyer Ko and that in combination with the "minor character death tag" has made me Extremele worried about him. (plus you have also said that the kidnapping tag is not the one we should be worried about!!) I know you probably can't say anything about this because of spoilers, but know that it has been noted!!

Also kind of want a scene wherein lawyer Ko, Yo Han and Ga On are all together. Their dynamic would be so exquisite!! (obviously no pressure to actually write this, just a thought)

Anyway, whtd remains so good even after already having read and reread it in its entirety at least 5 times (and some scenes/chapters much more than that) (my ao3 history says i've visited whtd 200 times… so uh. yeah. i'm normal). I love slow burn so much (to the point where most romance book leave me disappointed bc they MCs get together like 100 pages in), i just love reading/watching the build up of a relationship and you write it so well!

I guess i just wanted to thank you for writing! I hope you're doing well <3

I'm usually very careful not to spoil what's going to happen in future chapters but I'll make an exception this time and flat-out say that you don't have to worry — Lawyer Ko is not going to die. I would literally never forgive myself if I killed him xD Not to mention that you all would probably come for my head if I did. He's just too amazing to be killed off!

So, rest assured, he's not going to die :)

And there will be at least one scene with Ga On, Yo Han, and Lawyer Ko in the same room unless my plans change dramatically. Which they rarely do, but "rarely" isn't the same as "never" so we'll see. Truth be told, though, I'll probably try really hard to keep it because I totally agree — the dynamic would be SPECTACULAR. So yeah. Stay tuned for that, I guess? ;)

You've definitely read Who Holds the Devil more times than I have x'D At least in its entirety. I mean, I reread the chapters at least twice (often three or four times) but I rarely start from the beginning and read it all the way through. I did at the end of my long break last year to get back into the swing of it, but it's difficult to find the time for that since I always have to focus on the next chapter. Which is a bit stressful at times, I will admit, since it puts more pressure on me to remember things at the top of my head (or at least know where to look if I want to check any details) but I'm lucky enough to be blessed with a really good memory, so that helps.

Anyway, I'm so glad you're enjoying it 💜 I honestly didn't plan for the slow burn to be quite this slow when I started the fic, but I can't say I have any regrets. Much like you, I just enjoy it too much ;) There's something so incredibly satisfying about delving this deep into Ga On and Yo Han's feelings and slowly developing relationship. And I guess that's also why I can't help throwing out tidbits of information in the comments, since there's usually so, so much happening within this story that you readers don't see (especially within Yo Han's head).

And I'm still not sure how to handle the knowledge that some people read the comments specifically to find those tidbits. Like, I don't mind you doing so! Go right ahead! They're public and all that. But it kind of blows my mind that some of you are so interested in what I'm writing that you'll do that. It feels a bit surreal to me, but in a good way? Like I'm an ACTUAL writer or something xD

Anyway, thank you so much for this kind and supportive message 💜 I definitely needed it right now because things honestly aren't all that great. Partly because of overall exhaustion and restlessness — mostly due to work — but even more so since it's now been a month since I posted a chapter and the requests for me to please update soon are starting to come in. I swear, it happens like clockwork every time I don't post within a month. And, what makes it worse, is that it's often from people I don't see comments from when I actually DO upload more frequently. As in, they don't comment on the fic itself, only when they think I don't update fast enough. Which is pretty disheartening, not going to lie.

Tragically enough, once the month mark passes, I have to start bracing myself whenever I get a comment or ask because there's now a 50/50 chance that it'll be someone asking me to update soon. They usually try to be nice about it, but it kind of always fails.

So, again, thank you for this. Because while I know that I should take my time and update on my own schedule, it's not always easy to remember that when people start asking me why it's taking so long. This was a nice change of pace and I'm very grateful for your kindness. Thank you 💜

[quinnhills]

Good to know you're feeling welcome! :D this is our little place in the internet, and we've decided to make it trans and gay as hell (n i gotta say, i did think "they-them gang! :o" when i found out you started using they/them too a while ago X3 ) n if you received this ask more than once, my tumblr bugged out before i could finish, sorry (。_。)

anyways, and sorry if this is long, but Woe- More Tumblr Things Be Upon Ye:

there used to not be an image limit before, causing a few- interesting posts… tho that changed a few years ago and recently, at first the limit being 10 images per post to now 30 images per post (you can also move the images around a bit)

if you plan on staying long term on tumblr and use desktop the most, i recommend getting the browser extensions Xkit &/or New Xkit cuz… yeah, tumblr is pretty nice, but it sometimes gets hard to use. it also adds extra useful things to the tumblr experience, which is nice to have. i'd say tumblr is like living in a cheap apartment in a calm area of the city. the place's great for what it is, just gotta be sure to leave rat traps near holes and dont worry about the Beast down the hall,

speaking of rats, we got an infestation. you may or may not have heard of it with the voter fraudage going with the polls a bit ago; since tumblr has little to No email verification, people outside tumblr buy bots to get in here and start posting malicious links. tho the bots are surprisingly easy to identify (often times blank blogs with very weird descriptions + stolen picture of lady or ai generated. you'll know it when you see it), and the protocol here is block and report spam so staff can deal with it

and btw if you want to keep a post for as long as your blog stands, i recommend rebloggin! thanks to how tumblr is build as, even if the original post or that blog is gone, the reblog will stay with you (+ tags on reblogs dont really make a post expand outside of your own blog, so many use this to create Very intricate personal tag systems to make easier finding posts, bc once a blog gets 1k+ post in it, it gets hard finding anything on it... <- knows this from experience u.u)

oh and last thing before i go again (and something i found out recently), another browser extension ive been loving: Stylus! with it you can customize a ton of sites to your liking And with a specific style found in the archive of this extension, you can change how the dashboard looks! even changing the background to any image you might want :D

so yeah, thats it, for now. i got more info if you want it, just lmk 👉👈

and you probably already noticed this, but there isnt really any word limit for posts or asks around these lands. tho on tags, the character limit on a single tag is 139. but you can put a Lot of tags, so there! be free mx quinn, no character limit holds you down no more ヽ(✿ﾟ▽ﾟ)ノ

Thank you so much for the knowledge!

Some Quinn Facts:

Mx., Ms. and Miss are all acceptable :)

I use “gay as hell” as a sort of tongue-in-cheek shorthand, but I also identify as trans as hell, queer as hell, non-binary as hell, lesbian as hell, and anxious/depressive as hell

I’m a vegetarian

My favorite food is pineapple pizza (controversial, I know)

For a few years in the early 2000s, I was a licensed auctioneer

The most times I’ve ever cried during a movie is 5 times during Happiest Season

I like the idea of books, but I’m bad at reading them

Overalls give me gender euphoria, and I don’t know why

I hope to release a solo album within the next year

I hope to direct a feature-length film by the time I’m 40

Coming out was the best thing I ever did

[imreallyloveleee]

2023 fic review

thank you for tagging me @onlyalittlebookworm! <3 <3 <3

What is your ao3 account?

loveleee

2. How many words did you write total in 2023?

32,717

3. How many fics did you publish in 2023? How many multichapters vs. oneshots?

3 oneshots, 1 new WIP, and updated 1 WIP. this was definitely one of my least "productive" years for fic-writing in quite a while (although i don't think i published much in 2022 either, looking back). for obvious reasons: i was traveling for more than half the year; and also Riverdale canon was so fucking awful to our ship specifically that i think it just killed off everyone's desire to read and write about them. thanks RAS! <3

4. What was your longest fic? Your shortest fic?

longest: i feel like i win when i lose, my bughead four weddings & a funeral-inspired fic. 16,379 words (and i need to finish the last chapter ahhhhhhhhhhhhh)

shortest: honeymoon phase, my (very first!!) jimmy/kim fic. 1,927 words.

5. What was your most popular fic? Your least popular?

even though it kind of feels like cheating, head underwater was most popular, because even though i started it years ago, i updated it in 2023!

for least popular, if we're going by kudos, it was three conversations about one thing, which was my desperate attempt to make some sense out of the penultimate episode of riverdale s7 lol

6. What fic didn't perform as well as you thought it would?

honestly, i try to keep my expectations low for everything i publish, to avoid disappointment. i guess the answer would be that last one, "three conversations." but like, the show's ending sucked? i'm not surprised people were not dying to run out and read fic about it 😂

7. What fic performed way better than you thought it would?

i really did not know what to expect from posting a Better Call Saul fic. the show ended over a year ago, and i don't really have much of a sense of how big/active the fandom around it is, or was at its peak. that said, i was EXTREMELY happy to discover that there are way more fics for Jimmy/Kim than there were for the last "prestige"-y show ship i wrote for (Peggy/Stan on Mad Men).

so, all that to say, i was really pleasantly surprised to get as much engagement as i did with that little story! and i'm working on another one now and really enjoying writing it. :)

8. What was your favourite fic you wrote in 2023?

i feel like i win when i lose!!!!!!! the first four chapters of that story just FLOWED out of me like they already existed. it was so much fun to write and i think it's a super fun story in general. i reeeeeeally want to finish it.

9. What was your favourite fic someone else wrote in 2023?

Beautiful Broken Things by teaandpinkfrosting: a well-written, well-plotted, sweet, emotional, in-character season 1 Bughead fic in the year of our lord 2023? WHAT DID WE DO TO DESERVE THIS?

Eighty-Six Years by jimmymcgools: a grounded, believable, heartwrenching, yet ultimately hopeful continuation of the most devastating finale i've ever watched in my life? again, WHAT DID WE DO TO DESERVE THIS? [ETA to be extra clear that the finale i'm referencing here is bcs NOT rvd lol]

10. Tag your friends to do this year end fic review as well!

@absnow @burberrycanary @andsmile if you're into it! <3

[hella1975]

Hi hella!!!

I feel like i always start these off or end them by saying that these things are going to be incomprehensible in some way, mainly bc i have trouble translating whats going on in my mind into written words so i really dont know how much of my list thingies make sense to you but this one is especially probably going to not make much sense. (also bc i send them a lot when im either very tired or not sober, but i am sober and wide awake rn so this might be a different kind of incomprehensible)

I found one of my old drafts for an ask from around a year ago and it was a follow up response to the last chapter you posted at the time, so im not sure how its going to sound without the context of that specific chapter, but i also mentioned in one of my other asks that i add stuff in last minute and that ask i added a shit ton of stuff so i dont have any of that pretyped out so im going by memory.  But im sending it again bc i havent seen you answer it 

(please do not interpret this as ‘why didnt you answer my ask >:/’ or me rushing you to answer asks or anything like that, but like I said its been a year so im assuming tumblr ate it.  If not and you just havent cleaned out your ask box and you find the original, congratulations you’ll know what i originally said.  Bc idk how accurate this will be)

SO

Theres two different ways that you seem to write metaphors (idk if thats what theyre called im not caught up on my literary terminology)

 (im scrolling through your blog rn looking for my other asks and tumblr really did you dirty in your asks system like i started scrolling and the third one down was from 2021 and im fighting for my life trying to find my tag (thank you for my tag btw its very useful to me))

Anywho, most of your metaphors ( to me) can be split into two categories.  Theres the simple ones and the complex ones.  Now this might seem obvious but im going to explain to you how these have different effects on my brain.  

An example of the ‘simple’ ones is  

““If Nanook’s tone had a note of seriousness, then Zuko’s was the entire orchestra.”” (idk what chapter this is from its been a while)

You have a lot of these kinds of whatever the haick kind of literary technique this is (is this a metaphor i’ve been trying to google it for like ½ an hour and i cant figure it out) BUT these type of things that are simple and easy to process is one of my favorite things about the way you write.  I think this is a very common technique but the way you do it to me is just a lot more unique than the ways ive seen it done before.  Its extremely fluent with the voice of the characters and brings a perfect kind of vibe to the ‘conversation’ (or story, text, whatever) and it paints the picture of what your trying to say perfectly.  I also really like how these types of things arent ever in Zukos pov a lot (sometimes it is, but not nearly as much, I’ve noticed) and its not in the more serious like revelations that you drop these in.  Like I said, it adds to the voice of the characters, bc of the contrast of Zuko constantly having revelations and dramatic archs and stuff, and the other characters just in general being a lot more calm.  Its like when youre listening to a song and you have the lyrics and the like ‘main’ music behind the lyrics, but then when you listen to the song a lot you notice the smaller, like backup music that adds a lot to the song and makes it a lot more enjoyable than if it was just the lyrics and the louder more up front music.  

Then in contrast you have the bigger ‘metaphors’ 

An example of this is ‘You curse in words already invented’ 

THIS IS MY FAVORITE LINE IN THE ENTIRE FIC.  

OF ANY FIC OR BOOK EVER READ

AND THIS IS WHY

When I tell you I could not figure out what this meant for months I am AWFUL with stuff like this and interpreting it my english teachers hate me bc of it.  Id have the question ‘why were the curtains blue’ and my answer would be ‘bc the people who decorated the room like blue maybe theyre interior designers and it goes with the room 😊 and thats so hot of them bc i love blue too’  

But even thought i couldnt figure it out it stayed in my head and i probably thought about it once a day (i mean this literally, i think about that part all the time) and i cant remember the context for that or anything but i do remember that i knew it was a wonderful phrase.  

I’ve mentioned in my other asks how whenever im reading anything at all that you’ve written (whether its tams, or toab, or in the tags of something even if its like 10 words), everything you type comes out so fluidly like a formula or a color wheel or however i put it last time i talked about this.  And this is on the prodigious end of the spectrum of this.  

But phrases like that are another part of the fic, theyre like the lyrics of the song.  Like the phrases that gets all the attention and gets put in fanart and that gets quoted in comment sections because they deserve that recognition and you deserve that recognition and are just a reminder of how incredibly talented you are.  

I mean that in the most sincere way that i know how to express.  

I am constantly in awe of you and your writing style, and i really do think of you as one of the most talented writers of everything ive ever read.  

And something else worth mentioning is that it isnt just your ao3 that portrays that.  Like if I were to just read your ao3 I’d be like ‘oh wow this person is an amazing writer’ But your tumblr persona plays into it a lot more (In my opinion).  Because then you see like more ‘backround’ stuff on ao3.  And more of your system (im not articulating this in the way i mean it very well) and you get privy to the fact that you’re not a 30 year old with a masters in english and that you’ve never had any formal education on writing.  I vaguely remember you talking about a story about a sailor (??? i might be misremembering that) that you wrote when you were a child and thinking ‘oh wow so she’s always been like that’.  And its stuff like that that you dont get on ao3 that kind of reaffirms how incredible of a writer you are.  

And this (to me) makes you a really easy person to admire.  (ik i touched on this in a different ask but i dont remember if it was one of my list asks or not) but as someone who probably isnt going to ever be able to get an education around writing, it kind of reassures me that i dont need that to be great at it.  

(i kind of feel like a lot of the stuff in this ask is too like ‘simple’ or obvious to be given a lot of weight, but this whole thing is about the kinds of things you do that brings me personally joy and the metaphors are one of them so)

Also on an off note when i was looking through your asks to try to find my tag, I noticed that i send you a heavy percentage of your anonymous asks (mainly without my alias) and I thought that was funny.  But also i hope it doesnt come across as obsessive or weird, I swear i do that to a lot of people on here, I’m just a very social person.  .😂

Also Im in your tbos server (lurking in the shadows) and someone pointed out that whenever you do the reaction emojis you always do the white ones, and thats going on the official ‘my favorite things about hella’ list because that was genuinely one of the funniest things ive seen. 

Also the ‘anytime you type its very fluid (im too lazy to scroll up and see how i put it rn) also carrys on to discord.  I think that i could probably block out the user names and be able to figure out that its you talking every time, you have a very distinct way of talking.  

Also i wanted to mention that every time you answer these i read them again and i want to say like 1/3 of what i sasy, i have no recollection of. And i never have any idea what im talking about. so i think thats funny.

LIST ANONNNNNNNNNNNNN BAWLING MY EYES OUT HELLO BABY WELCOME BACK FROM WAR IVE MISSED YOU IM JUST HERE LIKE THIS RN

[libra-lizard]

thanks for the tag! @dream-a-little-dreaam

1. What is your AO3 account?

libra_lizard (the little dash to underscore switch for pizazz)

2. How many words did you write total in 2022?

107,220 posted ; a stark difference from the 0 last year.

3. How many fics did you publish in 2022? How many multichapters vs oneshots?

Published: 7 Multichapters: 3 Oneshots: 4

4. What was your longest fic? Your shortest fic?

Longest: Jaded Skies (45K words and counting)

Shortest: i know it well (3,1800) I’m really so proud of how short this one is bcs my mind always wants to drag things out for to at least 7k

5. What was your most popular fic? Your least popular fic?

Most popular: i owe you a black eye and 2 kisses (5k hits)

Least popular: A Beginner's Guide to Fixing a Heart You Didn't Break (568 hits) Also haven’t abandoned this fics but have to edit the two chapters I already have written first. 

6. What fic didn’t perform as well as you thought it would?

Hmm, maybe I’m just a self-doubter bcs all of my fics perform better than I think they will 😂 Always posting new fics with the idea that this may be some highly specific plot that only I like so I’m always pleasantly surprised. 

Guess if I have to choose I’d say A Beginner's Guide to Fixing a Heart You Didn't Break for the low hit count but she’s just a baby so I believe in her. 

7. What fic performed way better than you thought it would?

Lol just choosing my least/most popular for these I guess bcs I would say i owe you a black eye and 2 kisses

It’s been MANY years since I was in high school, so I was hesitant that it would flow naturally but the response was great. Honestly got overwhelmed by the reception from chapter 1 and had to crush so many insecurities to write chapter 2. 

8. What was your favorite fic you wrote from 2022?

Definitely Let’s Try This Again Maybe it’s because it’s a gift but it’s the only fic of mine I can read back and enjoy. 

9. What was your favorite fic that somebody else wrote in 2022?

Nooooooo not just one. I’ll do seven for the number of fics I wrote but there are so many more. 

five star sweetheart by @melo-baby Not only is this like the pinnacle of creativity and romance but it spoke to a special little place in my heart. 

Prairie Doll by @sunshinebunnie Was late to this one but was such a fan of all their other works that I knew I’d love it…now i’m just obsessed. 

scenes on a couch;or, the best orange juice in southern california by @actnatural-ly In a shock to no one. Will forever be amazed at the way is held my heart for all 1,451 words. 

to bring you home by @stannisfactions  I talk about it enough but this really is such a fantastic work. The Fezhotel is a national landmark and I’m chaining myself to the doors if it’s ever in threat of being torn down.

God’s lonely man by @fiera-di-scarborough Could really pick like three different ones from Giorgia bcs I’m never done with a fic of hers without at least 3 favorite lines that made my heart stop, but what Lexi makes for Fez in this fic is just 🥺

Taste by @myfemininedivine Devoured it all in one night because I couldn’t stop reading. This one…this one leaves me breathless and the angst hits so good. 

Hollywood and Vine by @fantasydee The characterization in this one is just off the charts insanely good.

It’s also the fic i also credit with getting me writing fanfic because I made a tumblr to follow for updates then started following others then was like fuck it let me write this weird kidnapping fic that I’ve mapped out in my head and have been praying for someone else to write 

10. Tag your friends to do this year-end fic review as well!

@fiera-di-scarborough @macadeliks @sunshinebunnie

HUGE thanks to all Fexi writers for bringing me out of dark spots many many times in 2022. You are all so kind and special and hope to highlight many more works with more fic collages in 2023!

[occultpuppy]

sims tag

Thank you to @cantseemtohide for the tag! I enjoy filling these out :>

2. Alpha CC or Maxis Match? Currently Maxis Mix, I lean on MM bases with alpha details, same with build buy

1. What’s your favourite sims death? Honestly, it's the Enraged/Heart Attack death. Dying from being SO ANGRY is pretty fun to me, though I don't play with emotional deaths(I was quickly reminded why when I had them in ;))

3. Do you cheat when your sims gain weight? No but if I discover funky presets, there will be some adjustments made

4. Do you use move objects? When am I not?

5. Favorite mod? All of em lol Some off-cuff answers would be control any sim, shorter terms fkr university and food mods!

6. First expansion/game/stuff pack you got? It was either Get to Work or Outdoor Retreat

7. Do you pronounce “live mode” like aLIVE or Living? I personally think/say live like living.

9. Have you made a simself? Yes I have, I've done a legacy with her before but it was personal.

8. Who’s your favorite sim that you’ve made? Latisha Godwin. I honestly miss her and am sad she couldn't be saved. ;;

10. What sim traits do you give yourself? Usually creative, dog lover and either romantic/brave

11. Which is your favorite EA hair color? No favorites here.

12. Favorite EA hair? I'm weirdly a fan of the ombre mullet though I don't use it that often.

14. Are you a builder or are you in it for the gameplay? I love CAS, gameplay and buildmode but I admit, buildmode probably holds the most hours for me. I love building and furnishing!

13. Favorite life stage? Young adult-so many things to do!

15. Are you a CC creator? Not yet!

16. Do you have any simblr friends/a sim squad? No personal clique but I'm grateful to anyone that likes/reblogs bc I honestly just like to make my stories and have a place to put them so I can read them back later lol

17. What’s your favorite game? (1, 2, 3, or 4)  I love them all individually though I'll admit, Sims 3 is my LEAST favorite. Really hate the aesthetics/build mode of that game

18. Do you have any sims merch? Some stickers

19. Do you have a YouTube for sims? Nope

20. How has your “sim style” changed throughout your years of playing?  I would say super cartoony/more occults to now we've more realistic/unique sims that seem more approachable like characters you'd meet in life.

21. What’s your Origin ID? Occultpuppy

22. Who’s your favorite CC creator?  @twistedmexi for sure

23. How long have you had a simblr? Since last year :>

24. How do you edit your pictures? I have specific retouch/editing actions for each legacy and then throw them onto border frame template set from @aliennooboo /@aliennooboo-old

25. What expansion/game/stuff pack do you want next? I just want more varied worlds!

26. What expansion/game/stuff pack is your favorite so far? Expansion: Seasons is top pick for me.

Game Pack: Tie between Dine Out and Werewolves.

Stuff Pack: Tiny Living or Laundry Day.

I'll tag @simatomica @woohooasbats and @moonhze

As always feel free to ignore if you already did this/prefer not to 😊

[helv-ete]

Tag Game To Better Know You! Send this to people you'd like to know better

@apersonwholikeslotus thanks for the tag!!

What book are you currently reading?

I don’t read books that often unless I have to, but rn I’m reading A Christmas Carol bc I’m watching through most all of the film adaptations and I wanted to compare it to the book. After watching ~50 Christmas carol movies in like 2 months it isn’t really anything special.

What's your favorite movie you saw in theaters this years?

I only saw a couple movies in theaters this year, but the first thing that came to mind for this was Sonic 2 which was NOT a good movie by any means but I saw it w my friend on the day it came out while we were on vacation and it was hilarious so I’m gonna have to go w that.

What do you usually wear?

Some sort of cargo pants or slacks, a sweater or hoodie, and converse or docs depending on the weather.

How tall are you?

5’7

What's your star sign? Do you share a birthday with a celebrity or a historical event?

I’m a Virgo and idk abt celebrities but I have the same bday as miku binder Thomas Jefferson and those planes hitting the twin towers.

Do you go by your name or a nick-name?

I just go by Ezra on here but irl I go by a shortened version of my birthname bc my parents won’t let me change it so technically both?

Did you grow up to be become what you wanted to be when you were a child?

Well, I’m 15 so I don’t think I can rlly answer this question yet, but ever since I was a kid computer science has been my realistic life plan and I’m on track to do that so kinda.

Are you in a relationship? If not, who is your crush if you have one?

I’m aroace and I don’t desire any sort of relationship at all so no.

What's something you're good at vs. something you're bad at?

I’d like to think I’m pretty good at writing and art and I am not good at talking to people online or irl.

Dogs or Cats?

Cats out of the two, but tbh I don’t rlly like any animals all that much.

What's something you would like to create content for?

I’ve wanted to draw stuff for Ted Lasso and Bojack Horseman for a while now but I can’t draw old ppl or horses very well (I’m trying tho)

What's something you're currently obsessed with?

Seinfeld. Obviously Hetalia and by extension history (specifically Dutch + German) but every year around this time I get rlly into a popular adult comedy for several months, permanently altering my psyche and this year that is Seinfeld. I feel like my brain noticed that my life is going absolutely insane rn and decided it was necessary to deploy the SpIn.

What's something you were excited about that turned out to be disappointing this year?

Ap European history. All last summer and the end of last year I was like “omg I cant wait to take ap euro next year it’s gonna be so fun I love European history and I’ve heard the teacher is awesome” and then the year starts and she keeps getting sick and by October (abt 2 months into school) she’s only been in class like half the days. So obviously everyone in the class starts getting rlly annoyed bc this was obviously not at all planned for at all as we’d been doing world history II work we’d already done last year the whole time, we are barely learning any new content, and our grades weren’t getting updated so a lot of ppl were failing the class. Then, the teacher misses 2 weeks straight of school and we’re all confused and annoyed. This goes on until one morning I’m eating my animal crackers and my dads like “hey did you know [teachers name]” and I’m like “yeah” and he’s like “oh well she just died” so then we spend like a month trying to get things back in order and getting tossed around the history department like a hot potato with anyone willing to teach us. Then like a week ago we finally got a permanent teacher and apparently we are like 2 months behind on content and we have to do a whole unit this week and a bunch of reading over break to maybe be ready for the ap test in may.

Are you religious?

No, my parents aren’t religious so I never have been.

What's something you wish to have at this moment?

Free time. I have so many projects and tests this week it’s crazy. It’s ~9:30pm my time as I’m writing this and I’ve used pretty much all my free time since I woke up making this post.

@rownavi (if they ever end up seeing this lmao) & @grimanonrexwrites

Srry if you’ve already gotten this!

[liloinkoink]

I wake up and realize belatedly that you asked for my list of trusted techno authors! Let’s go.

hoorayy (author of deviltown)— not a techno or emduo main, but consistently writes pitch-perfect techno in ensemble stuff.

third_crow: also writes ensemble stuff, did an excellent boreal-focused fantasy fic and is now writing a SBI foster au that’s actually nuanced and good? Who knew.

Odaigahara: I see you’ve already mentioned her. Everything she writes is so good. AHHHH.

EmJay_Panziku: the horror fic. The space fic. Somehow it’s not Tommy-centric for once. I am throwing my credit card at the screen. MORE PLZ.

AdrianaintheSnow: if you are okay with Tommy-centric SBI, this is actually good and fun character writing for everyone in that quartet, interesting worldbuilding, soft and cute moments.

Scrolling through my bookmarks like Odaigahara, Odaigahara, Odaigahara again…

Beans_McGee: I think they’ve gone over to hermitcraft now, but they have an unfinished series named Angel teeth that is just some of the best actually funny techno writing around.

Spice_ghouls: haven’t updated in a while so I don’t know if they left the fandom, but some very good emduo.

Inallthingsgoodorbad: okay so yes their most recent work is superhero AU, but it’s a really GOOD one, actually.

Dreamdx (thereisdefinitelyawordforthat): everything they write I must put immediately into my eyeballs. I am throwing my credit card at the screen again.

Fensandmarshes: !!!!! He is so good at every character but his technoooooooo (okay yes I am an awkward autistic but beyond that). Worldbuilding! Voice! Autistic characters!

H_mellohi: they’re more focused on angelduo, but when they write techno or emduo I just relax knowing they are in safe hands.

So for this one the author is anon, but if you search up I Asked For A Monster And You Gave Me A Fairytale, the author has two fics, (both Tommy centric but y’know, you gotta muscle past that I guess in this fandom), one where Tommy goes into the woods to die and gets adopted by a house of monsters, one where Tommy’s a vegan neceomancer used by a cult to bring The Blood God back. They are both very stressed.

Sigh so much of this fandom is Tommy-centric I’m still scrolling—

Okay we all know about findingkairos BUT ALSO FINDINGKAIROS.

OHHH THANK YOU.... i guess i should go grab links for these authors for myself and others hold on lemme--

i dont know hoorayy bc i havent read devil town or anything else by them, but ive heard good things about the fic!

third_crow.. OH TRUST ME. THE BOREAL TRIO FIC, YOU MEAN VISAGE? I KNOW ABOUT VISAGE. ITS MY ALL TIME FAVE DSMP FIC. IM OBSESSED W IT. CANNOT RECOMMEND VISAGE ENOUGH. PLEASE READ VISAGE

i didnt realize how much odaigahara i read until i made that list for that last ask but i really will have to read thru their works purposefully now that its come to my attention. good stuff, quality author

EmJay_Panziku i have read just the space fic (which i absolutely adore) but now that i have their account open i see they have another fic noted, in the tags, as being similar to Sweet Home.. I fucking LOVED that comic!! i followed it for years!! i will be back for this fic For Certain. (i assume this is "the horror fic" you mentuoned)

AdrianaintheSnow ill be honest i just. dont read tommy centric sbi i cant. not my thing. i get bored if techno isnt there and that happens much faster if its tommy instead. HOWEVER if youre ranking this author as being as good as all the other ones that i know in this list then i am sure theyre very good and to my followers who might find this of interest? heres a person to look at. esp if you said their worldbuilding is good, i love fun worldbuilding

Beans_McGee i have read these fics actually theyre fun. i def recommend ppl give the angel teeth series a shot, tho its been a while since i read them so i cant remember specifics anymore

Spice_ghouls ive seen these fics but i havent read them, ill have to check them out!!

Inallthingsgoodorbad i have NOT seen these fics but scrollling thru they look really interesting! i like superhero aus well enough so thats no deterrent, and the snippets of writing used in the summaries on here sound very neat indeed

Dreamdx OH YES. I KNOW THEM. LIKE A GOOD NEIGHBOR... SO SHIT HAS HIT THE FAN... SO MANY GOOD FICS IN HERE. really nice writing style and really honest and compassionate look at a lot of characters, esp the latter fic's handling of The Fireworks Duo Issues And Problems. its rlly interesting and thoughtful

Fensandmarshes this dude has 400 works. thats insane?? kudos to this author jesus. i dont know if i knew any of their work bc thats So Much to look thru but ill def check this dude out

H_mellohi i trust h with my life. h if you see this i trust you with my life. i love love Love red eggs and ham but i also have read and liked more of their fics but i really need to go back and check out Even More i think

findingkairos. findingkairos

heres a link to that anonymously published fic you mentioned. honestly seems incredibly entertaining as a premise. i dunno i'd personally want to read it but it sounds like an objectively good read

also i want to add to your list, if you dont mind... acuteroses, who ive liked quite a few fics from!

thank you so much or this list!! of the authors of yours i have read, you have fantastic taste

[chrisevansgoodgirl]

killing peggy carter

summary: you want revenge bc steve’s a bitch. (happy times, save for steve’s disappearance. everyone’s alive tho)

warnings: a darker steve. rough smut, a little questionable at times. a lot of angst bc i was in a mood.

pairing: steve rogers x reader, peggy carter x reader for a sec, and some steve x peggy ( 🤢 )

word count: about 9,800

a/n: not tagging anyone bc no one asked for this, i literally just wrote it like forever ago and decided to post it bc i haven’t posted in forever. also, if you go back far enough on my blog, you will see that i watch riverdale and honestly, i came up with this title before jughead wrote his emo story in the finale.

When Steve left, it was nothing short of devastating.

Your world had stopped. How could it not? You had been under the impression that someone was in love with you as much as you were in love with them. And god, you were so damn in love with Steve Rogers.

It had been a year and it still hurt just like it had that first day. You were better at hiding it now, using that as the only entertainment in your life. Being an Avenger wasn’t the same as it used to be. The world was good, you weren’t needed. Especially not while all these feelings of anger and resentment were growing inside you.

When Steve left, he took a lot. He took your heart, your soul, your fucking will to love and let yourself be loved, and he took your ability to be a hero. No hero had the darkness you had. No hero stayed out most nights dancing in sweaty and noisy clubs, being groped by strangers she couldn’t even take home because she was the definition of damaged. You had trust issues for days, and they weren’t going anywhere any time soon, if ever.

Bucky tried to help and sometimes, you had the energy to fake it. It always made him so happy to see you smiling or just talking to other men who clearly were attracted to you. But nothing would come of it. You couldn’t believe a word that any one of them said.

Steve used to look at you, tell you he loved you, tell he needed you, that he couldn’t do any of this without you. Then he had the chance to go back to Peggy Carter and he took it in a second, no hesitation. He didn’t even say goodbye.

You stayed out on the lake for three months, figuring he’d just gotten tied up. He would come back, you told yourself that every night. What finally broke you was when Nat and Bucky sat you down and told you it wasn’t going to happen. You’d always known but with confirmation from the two people that knew him best, you had to face reality. He’d left you and he wasn’t coming back.

It was a huge hit to your self-esteem. Maybe if you had been prettier. Smarter. Stronger. Better. But you were just you. Petty, small, aching. Ironically, that was how he had found you as well. The Avengers liked to bring in team members who had already been through too much. You hadn’t realized how vulnerable your past trauma made you to their type of coercion. You would do anything any of them asked. With Steve, it was different. More. And he had always known.

There was this pain in your chest that never went away. Sometimes you woke up gasping in the middle of the night, usually after a nightmare. It was as if there had been a hand around your neck. But there wasn’t because you were as alone as anyone could possibly be.

You didn’t mind it anymore. Hell, it was the only thing that you still had left of Steve. You burned everything else and not even that made you feel better. This was all much to Bucky’s dismay.

You would never tell a soul that you couldn’t part with his sketchbooks, that you had them hidden in a box underneath your bed. It was no one’s right to know. This pain was your own, the only thing you still had possession of.

You hadn’t been touched in his absence, even by yourself. It reminded you of all those times he would kiss along your skin and sing praises to your beauty. Sometimes, you wished you were ugly. Sometimes, you wished you could just get so ugly that no one would even want to look at you.

But that was not the case. You were that beautiful, strong, and caring woman Steve had fallen in love with, so they claimed. You were their responsibility. Their project. They would get you through this if it was the last thing they did. Nat, Bucky, and Sam tried merely out of their loyalty to Steve. Tony followed that lead and that meant Peter tried as well as he could. Wanda, still consumed by her own lost love, attempted, but she was probably the only person who could see you for what you were.

Thrown out trash. Abandoned, sharp pieces that could and would cut anyone who tried to help. You hated all the rest of them for not seeing it. You hated all the rest of them because in their eyes, you were still Steve’s girl.

You no longer had a boyfriend, a family, or friends. He took all of that away from you. And one day, when you were so sick of having nothing to do but feel sorry for yourself, you decided that you were going to return that favor.

Steve Rogers deserved to be just as heartbroken and empty as you. It drove you crazy. He had been the one to pursue you. He had been the one to insist that you were his, even said you were the best thing to ever happen to him.

Talking Bruce into helping was laughably easy. You claimed to need closure. You claimed you just wanted to know that Steve was happy. You wanted to tell him you forgave him. Bruce hadn’t seen you look this happy in a long while so he did what anyone would and said yes.

You wanted to wait. Steve was always so sentimental, the anniversary of the day he met Peggy was probably a day of extreme affection in their house. He probably made her breakfast, bought her some piece of jewelry that she wouldn’t even like, and spent all day telling her how much he loved her. You wanted to crash the party.

Part of you wished there was another way to do this, but there just wasn’t. Killing Peggy was the only way to take anything from him, and you had these dark fantasies that he would then kill you in retaliation. What a beautiful way to go, you hoped he would strangle you. You hoped he would set you on his lap one final time, wrap his hands around your neck, and stare into your eyes until you were gone.

Peggy was a great person, that much you felt bad about. But hadn’t Steve practically murdered you? And you were a great person before all of this. An eye for an eye. Did he think you were just going to disappear? No, he wasn’t going to get away with this any longer. He wasn’t going to get his happiness after he had ruined your whole life.

You wanted some years on them, you told Bruce ten years. Steve would be just shy of 50. You wondered what he’d look like. When he left, he had just started to get some gray hairs. You could remember that morning vividly. You wouldn’t have noticed if the sun hadn’t been shining in through the blinds perfectly onto his blonde hair. He blushed about 7 shades of red, but you promised him you didn’t mind. Because you loved him. He said he loved you back. Like an idiot, you believed him.

You arrived in his time with little care to how you looked. You weren’t here for anyone but him. You didn’t mind that everyone was staring at you oddly because instead of some huge, ugly dress, you were wearing black pants, a low-cut t-shirt, and a leather jacket.

You did need a weapon, however. Guns were cowardly. Poison could be fun. A knife, though. A knife would certainly get the point across. You tucked it into your boot and then you were on your way.

You found Peggy’s house easily. Bruce had made sure you knew where you were going and what to do if they had moved or anything like that. You’d known they would be in the same place. You’d known Steve would want to live in this domestic, pathetic lie.

There was a window that looked into the living room. It was mid-day, you figured Peggy was at work. What did Steve even do? Was there a specific activity he liked pairing with all the pure nothingness he was doing while his best friend suffered in Hydra’s hands?

You saw him sitting in a recliner in what you assumed was the living room. His hair was almost all gray, he’d cut it much shorter. Like how he used to have it, before everything with Tony and Bucky. Like how he had it when you met him. His beard was just as light and he had a few prominent wrinkles on his forehead and around his mouth. But that was as far as his aging went. His arms were still huge, his shoulders so broad, and you had the strongest feeling that that ass had held up.

You were about to go in, make your presence known when you realized he was reading a book. Your favorite book. He must have taken it with him because that looked distinctly like one of your many copies you hadn’t seen for quite some time.

You were furious, shaking and seeing red. No matter how hard you tried to breathe, you just couldn’t. You were going to cut Peggy’s heart about and show it to him. You were going to cover that ugly house with her blood. You were going to wreck him just as much as he wrecked you.

You watched Steve for three months and came to the harrowing conclusion that he was severely unhappy. Peggy would come home and they wouldn’t speak. They would sit down for dinner and say maybe five sentences to one another. They went to bed together, sometimes they had sex. You never stuck around for that because not only was that a major violation of her privacy, but damn, they were fucking boring.

When she woke up in the morning, he wouldn’t get up until she was gone. Then he would go for his run, you followed a couple of times as best you could to see if there was a piece of this puzzle you were missing. When he returned home, he would read or watch television, he went for a second run a few hours later, and returned home to do absolutely nothing but await her return.

Should this have made you happy? It didn’t. He would rather be unhappy with her than happy with you. But that was for one reason: his pride. He didn’t want to crawl back to you and admit that he made a mistake.

Your goals changed. You wanted to make him admit it. Not with words, he would never do that. But Steve was a faithful man. If you got him to stray, it would be indisputable.

You waited one morning until he was out on his run, then snuck into the house. You went through their kitchen, sometimes you moved things just to be a bitch. You went through their bedroom and discovered that Peggy had a terrible contraption that had the audacity to call itself a sex toy. That would be nice to throw in Steve’s face.

You tossed it onto the bed and got undressed as you made your way to the shower. Steve wouldn’t be gone much longer. And he would know something was very wrong when he saw your clothes.

You washed your hair, used Peggy’s soap, and only had to wait a couple of minutes after that. You heard him call out her name a few times. But then he got to the bedroom and you heard his steps hesitating.

“Peggy?”

He wouldn’t say your name, not ever. Because he could be wrong, he could be delusional. And to admit that he was still thinking about you after all this time, that was his idea of a loss.

You didn’t grab a towel as you pulled the shower curtain back and shut off the water. Dripping wet, you carefully padded across the tile floor and then out to the bedroom.

His eyes widened and he dropped to his knees. “What...what are you doing here?”

You shrugged, glancing around. “Thought I deserved a vacation.”

“Y/N, I am so—”

“Pathetic? Weak? Yeah, don’t worry, I know.” You moved closer to him, eyeing him pitifully. You were glad that you hadn’t crumbled. Months ago, you would have given anything just to hear his voice, just to see his fucking eyes. God, you hated him now.

“You’re angry, I understand.”

“Angry?” you scoffed. “Add dumb to the list.”

“I’m sorry that I hurt you—”

“You didn’t hurt me, you piece of shit. You destroyed me, you ruined my life. For all intents and purposes, you killed me. And I’m here to get my revenge.”

His eyebrows pulled together. “Revenge?”

You reached out to touch his face, trailed your fingers along his bottom lip. “Yeah, payback. I’m going to make sure I make you feel what you made me feel.”

He glared up at you. “Are you threatening me?”

“Yes.”

He finally stood, towering over you.

“Mmm, how I’ve missed this body.” You pressed yourself against him and as much as he acted like he didn’t like it, he never pulled away or tried to push you back. You were getting him wet and his shirt was starting to cling to his abs. You let your hands wander for a moment before they dropped down to his pants.

“Stop,” he said quietly.

And you did because you were never going to allow him to lie. Your turned up to him and stepped back.

He looked torn apart, confused. “Why are you here?”

You shrugged. “Why not?”

“That’s not an answer.”

“Well, it’s all you’re getting. You don’t need any other answer.”

“So, what’s the plan? How are you going to get your revenge?”

“I know you, Steve, I know that you believe in being a good and faithful man. I just want you to fuck me. That’s all.”

“Well, you know that’s not going to happen. You know I would never—”

“Cheat? So, then you’ve never fucked Peggy?”

“What?”

“You never left me, you never told me we were done. You, like the coward you are, just didn’t come back. Every time you’ve been with her is a lie, a cheat. You are a cheater.”

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?! You keep acting like there was just one thing! There were a million things, Steve. You ruined everything that we were building. And you can apologize all you want, but until I return at least half of it, I’m stuck here with you.”

“I won’t fuck you.”

“Yet,” you pointed out. “Well, I should be going.”

He grabbed your arm. “Go home.”

“I am home, baby. You’re here and you’re my home.”

He frowned.

You yanked yourself out of his hold, bending over to grab your clothing all over the room. He wasn’t going to fuck you but that did not mean he wasn’t going to look at you. So, you gave him quite the show, just like you had in the past upon his request.

You disappeared into the bathroom as if it was so natural, as if it was your own. He made no moves to follow and said nothing. As you dried yourself off, you decided now was as good a time as any. “See that terrible thing on your bed?”

You heard him step a few times, then nothing.

You scoffed. “Maybe it has to do with your age.”

“It doesn’t.”

“Still. Pretty creepy you came back to a much younger Peggy.”

“I came back to the one I left.”

“Whatever you need to tell yourself.” You sauntered out and sent him one last smile before exiting the bedroom.

Peggy and Steve had a fight, so Peggy ducked out to some small diner. If you couldn’t get to him, you decided you were going to get to her. Peggy was sweet from the second you began speaking to her, feigning concern for her situation.

The first night you guys went out together, you wanted her to talk shit about Steve. She didn’t, she just got drunk and tried to get you much the same. You were taking her home because you truly were fearful of what would become of her without your help. And she kissed you. At first, you were startled, you pulled away out of fear and shock. She wasn’t Steve. In all your life since you’d met him, you never thought someone else was going to kiss you.

But then she looked terrified. Had she been reading you wrong? Had she messed everything up? Nah, you were adaptable. You kissed her back, explained you’d been hurt by some loser and it had been a while. She understood, or said she did, and then she was disappearing inside.

You were left wondering if Steve heard you, but not many lights in the house were on. He probably wasn’t home. Confirmed by your unlocked hotel door when you returned home just a couple of hours before sunrise.

Knowing it was him didn’t mean you weren’t going to pull your gun as you entered. He was sitting in one of the chairs at the tiny table near the tiny kitchen.

He arched an eyebrow. “That necessary?”

“I should have shot you the second I got here.” But you still tossed it onto the bed. “You know...this paints quite a scene, doesn’t it? You’re here, angry at me for being out late.” You let your purse fall to the floor, then your hideous cardigan. You had only shown up with one outfit, so shopping was necessary to keep up appearances. You didn’t know a lot about the 40s, but you didn’t want them to start burning women at the stake again because of you.

You made your way to him, straddling his lap as you took his face in your hands. “Are you upset that I broke curfew, daddy?”

He didn’t even bat an eye, but you knew that would get to him. “Where were you?”

“Out with your future wife.” One of many kickers, they had yet to get married. Peggy said it was because she wanted to wait. “Thought she would be willing to talk shit about you...thought it would make me feel better.”

“And? Did she give you anything you can use against me in the future?”

“Nah. She didn’t want to talk about you at all.”

He glared. “When are you going home?”

She shrugged. “Whenever I feel like it.” Your eyes moved over his face as you felt the deeply etched lines on his skin. “You don’t look 50 but I never thought... You remember when I found your gray hair?”

“Yeah... Thought you would leave me...that you’d want someone your age.”

“I like you like this, you know. Twice my age.”

“Have there been others?”

And just like that, the end of your friendly conversation. You pulled your hands away from him but stayed on top of him. “Others?”

“People...men you’ve let close.”

You scoffed. “Why would I do that?”

“I wanted...I thought you would move on.”

“People lie,” you pointed out. “You told me you loved me every day and then you just left. I can’t adequately explain to you how tired I am. I can’t do it again, I can’t even let myself try. I can’t get close to people the way I was close to you. I can’t move on. I can’t love someone else. I can’t do anything but hate you as much as I loved you.”

“I wasn’t lying—”

“You left. If you loved me as much as you said you did, you wouldn’t have been able to.”

“I do love you—”

You immediately pulled off him, rushing to get your feet back on the floor. No, no fucking way, he was not going to lie to you again. He was simply not allowed to anymore. You would not tolerate it.

“Y/N—”

“Get out of my hotel!” You pointed to the door. “Now, Steve, or I swear I will shoot you.”

He scoffed. “For what? Loving you?”

“You piece of shit.” You didn’t wait for him to say anything else. You stormed to the bathroom and locked the door before he could intrude yet again.

He knew you wouldn’t come back out, not while he was still there. All he could do was leave. For safe measure, he at least unloaded your gun and set it on the bedside table. Maybe if you had to find it and load again, you would lose some of your anger and not ended up taking a shot at him.

How dare he? He had no right to say that to you, no right to use that word. It meant nothing coming from him because there was the implied ‘but’ along with it. Before, he just loved you. Period. Now? He loved you. But what? He loved Peggy more? He loved this time more?

You thought you had been angry before. Even though the time you were spending with Peggy was diffusing that somewhat. Still, you never lost sight of what you wanted. Needed. The idea of Steve’s heartbreak was the only thing that could get you up in the morning.

He threw you off for a few days. Every time you tried to leave the hotel room just to do something a tad evil, you would end up in bed crying. Steve thankfully didn’t try to come back, you hated the thought of him seeing you like this, letting him know that he could still do this to you.

Peggy called. You gave her the number, just in case, and she used it to express her concern for you. It wasn’t like you not to want to hang out or to just be around and bump into her “randomly”. She invited you out for breakfast the first day, then lunch the next. You said you weren’t feeling well.

An excuse she stopped taking the third night. She wanted to go dancing with you, all while her asshole boyfriend stayed at home. How could you say no? You shouldn’t, this was the entire reason you were here.

You would kill her tonight. This time was a drag and you wanted to get home. To a place where you could wear pants or a t-shirt. A place where there weren’t so many preppy men in pastels or college sweaters.

Peggy picked you up, she wouldn’t stop staring. Had it been any other day, you might have even questioned why. But you weren’t going to enjoy this as much as you thought you would. It sucked, and honestly, it made you hate Steve even more. He was your downfall, he was also her downfall, but at least he would soon be utterly alone.

It had been hours. You were just trying to dance and let the music fill your mind, but this music was shit. If you had to hear one more man sing about wanting to hold a woman’s hand… Truly, you missed the filth of your time.

Peggy was the one that wanted to leave. Peggy was the one that wanted to walk away from all the noise of the city. Peggy was the one that took you to some sleazy motel, where she gave you the briefest of looks when she’d stopped you both on the sidewalk. She was also the one that kissed you when you didn’t say anything because what did you have to actually say?

Nothing. Not one thing. You had no idea how this plan had spiraled so terribly. You were meant to come here, kill her, throw it in Steve’s face, then bolt back home like none of it ever happened.

But you couldn’t kill her, not anymore, not after seeing what a miserable life she had with Steve. You hoped she would leave him, and not just to hurt him, but to help herself. You remembered the life she had in your world, the one she had created with your husband. It was so much better than the hell she was living in here.

So, you let her take you to a room. You let her kiss you, you let her tear your dress off, push you onto the bed, and crawl on top of you. Her lips moved everywhere over your legs, arms, and stomach, and they felt like fire because they belonged to someone who wasn’t Steve.

You hated how guilty you felt. You hated that your mind was seriously considering this a betrayal, cheating. But you were trying to be kinder to yourself. It wasn’t your fault that you had fallen so hard for someone and that you had made plans because someone had promised you forever.

She knew you were thinking about him. Not Steve, of course, but the someone you had once mentioned. She didn’t mind, she just promised she would try to make you forget. You forced yourself to be present, you turned off your mind when you could. She didn’t ask a lot of you, in reality.

She wanted to be on top, she wanted you to say her name and wouldn’t let you come until you asked nicely. It was probably around the third orgasm that you stopped feeling so awful, that all of those familiar sensations weren’t triggering memories and bitter resentment. That was what she gave you with her mouth alone and didn’t move until it was evident that your thoughts had simply melted away.

When she crawled back up to kiss you, she buried her fingers inside you. At that point, who the hell even was Steve Rogers? A distant, dull pain. Peggy was here, on top of you, biting your lip, telling you to come one more time, because she knew you had it in you.

She told you that you were beautiful, that she’d never seen a body like yours. She told you that you made her feel things Steve couldn’t, that you were fun and warm and kind, and she loved spending time with you.

You were covered in sweat, your skin painted with her lipstick and bites and other marks she left all over your skin. She hadn’t come yet and refused any offers you made her, she claimed she just wanted to focus on you for a moment.

When she finally pressed her soaking center against yours, you were in an odd amount of pain. You longed for something, so much, but you had no idea what. She pulled your hair, began kissing your neck, and rolled her hips hard. You pulled her hair back, pressed your hips up when she pressed down, whimpered her name, and told her she felt so good. It was when she started fucking you harder and faster, and you were getting really close once again, that you got the sick idea to rake your nails down her back. Hard enough to leave marks.

After her finish, she collapsed onto her side next to you. The way she looked at you was kind of scary, like you were worth a lot more than you knew you were. She also looked satisfied and you hadn’t seen that look since you’d shown up. And what a fucking crime that was. Yes, Steve was a dick, but fuck, that man could seriously fuck. Why was he denying her that?

You shoved her onto her back and sat on her face because you didn’t want to be thinking about him. She kept you there until you were shaking and so fuzzy you couldn’t even sit up on your own. A tad haphazardly, you insisted on getting your mouth on her. After some convincing on your part and a few pitying laughs from her as you nearly fell over the edge of the mattress because you were still dizzy, your tongue was sliding against her skin and her hands were locked in your hair.

She needed to get home, back to her boyfriend before he started to worry. You stuck around for a bit, reluctant to return to your apartment. Maybe this was it, maybe this was all you needed. Maybe it was just time to fucking go home.

You truly worried about all of the Bucky lectures you were going to get, all of those Natasha looks, those small ‘tsk’ sounds when Thor was not only upset but disappointed in you, the judgmental eyebrows Tony would be sending your way, and those puppy dog eyes from Peter. Goodness, you were sure Peter missed you. Bruce would never trust you again, no surprise there, you had lied to him. You hadn’t thought about the consequences of your actions when you first did this. You hated, at the time, that you didn’t care if you hurt anyone.

Game over. You weren’t going home not without having scored some points, but to win, you would just end up losing more. More, you now understood that you had taken all of it for granted. Yes, your friends were constant reminders of Steve and they had been acting like you were some mission they needed to complete, but at least they loved you. That was more than a lot of people had and you would let them know about all these epiphanies if they didn’t kill you as soon as you returned.

When you made it back to your apartment, it was only to get the necklace Wanda had given you a few years back for your birthday. It was this huge stone you never remembered the name of, something you rarely took off regardless of that.

The last thing you expected was to find Steve. He looked furious and maybe, just maybe, you were going to get the satisfaction of seeing that you hurt him before you left. “What the hell are you doing here?”

He was at the table again, jaw set, glaring at the wall straight ahead of him. You were trying to think if you’d ever seen him this angry, if you’d ever even heard stories of it. Probably not. He liked to act like you were so damn delicate. Though, maybe he had been onto something.

“Hey,” you snapped after receiving no response, “Why the fuck are you in my hotel room?”

Finally, he turned to you and for the first time ever, you were scared of him.

You kept your distance, you even began moving toward your bedside table where you had your gun stashed.

“I hope you’re not looking for this.” He reached down for a moment then tossed it onto the table noisily.

Shit. “Steve…”

“You fucked her.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

He stood quickly, storming over to you. For a moment, you had been stunned, and it was enough for him to get several upper hands. It wasn’t as if he needed them to begin with, but with your delayed scattering back, he was able to grab you and pin you to the wall. You were completely defenseless in stupid, impractical heels and an ugly, impractical dress.

“Tell me you didn’t fuck her.”

You said nothing.

He scoffed harshly. “I fucking smelled you all over her…and now I smell her on you. You left those scratches on her back because you wanted me to know.”

“Honestly, I thought I would be gone by the time you found out or by the time you decided to confront me. In fact, if you leave now, I’ll be gone and you’ll never have to see me again.”

He narrowed his eyes.

“What? Isn’t that what you wanted?”

He didn’t say anything, instead, he grabbed the neckline of your dress and tore it open. He paid no mind to your startled shoving at his chest. His eyes moved over your skin quickly, you could tell he was getting angrier with every bruise he found.

You were going to play this off, bat away at his feelings just long enough for you to escape. “Steve, I—”

He grabbed your jaw and you immediately shut up. “Go take a shower.”

Your eyebrows pulled together.

“Now.”

“No, you fucking—”

“You can do it on your own or I can do it for you. But to be clear, I will not ask again, and I’m gonna count to ten before I really lose my patience. One, two, three—”

“Steve,” you tried softly. He was still holding you there, so tight that the idea of moving was laughable.

“Four, five—”

“Steve,” you were a tad more frantic, pushing at his forearm.

“Six, seven.” He finally pulled away from you and you bolted to the bathroom without a second thought. He told you to leave the door open and you listened because you no longer had the desire to push him.

You came out in a towel several minutes later. Most of your shower was spent just trying to calm down, the rest was using any product you had to try to get rid of her scent. You didn’t want to risk further angering him with any lingering mentions of Peggy.

He was just feet away from the door when you stepped out and once again, he showed no hesitation in ripping away what covered your body. He looked you over again, briefer this time, obviously displeased with what he saw. He’d hoped most of it was just the lipstick Peggy always wore.

“Are you wet?”

“What?”

“Your pussy. Are you wet?” He was condescendingly slow with every single word and your hand suddenly itched with the need to smack him.

“No.”

“Well, you’re a liar, so I don’t believe you,” he countered. “Check.”

“What?”

“Check,” he repeated. “Now. And if I have to keep repeating myself, you’re not going to like the way this night plays out.”

You averted your gaze as you brought your hand to your center. Your breath caught audibly as you ran your fingers through. Yes, he was an ass, but your body would never stop craving his touch.

“Show me.”

Begrudgingly, you brought your hand back to him.

“Wow, how did I know you were lying? Touch yourself. Keep touching yourself until you come.”

You snorted. “Eww, no—”

He slammed his hand against the wall behind you and you fell silent again. “The same rules apply. Do it or I will do it for you.”

He had never spoken to you like this. Sure, there were the bad missions. There were the times when he just needed to fuck you to forget all the shit he had to deal with. But there was never a moment where you wondered if he would lose control, if he would hurt you unintentionally. Right now, maybe it wasn’t so much that you thought he would. You had known him long enough, loved him long enough, that you knew exactly what kind of man he was. Maybe, right now, it was that you wanted him to hurt you.

Nothing could be worse than when he left you. Nothing he did was going to hurt more than when you went back home and you were, once more, without him. Meaning that you wanted to take everything that you possibly could from this moment. All the pain, all the bruises, all those emotional scars that would add to the ones from before that you had idiotically convinced yourself you could ever get rid of.

He knew you were considering your next move and arched an eyebrow at your continuing silence.

You shook your head. “No.”

One of his hands shot up to wrap around your neck, the other hand went to your cunt where he slid two fingers into you with embarrassing ease.

You brought your hands up to his forearm and dug your nails into his skin. The harder you scratched him, the harder he would choke you—it was something established early on in your relationship. And if he was choking you, you couldn’t moan or whine like he wanted you to.

For a moment, you both stayed still. For an entire second, it wasn’t that he had left you, that you had to track him down, that you fucked his girlfriend and he was fucking furious about it. For a second, it was just you and him, like it was all the times before.

The problem was pride. It wasn’t like before and neither one of you wanted to let the other pretend. He hurt you. You hurt him. Before no longer mattered. So, you shut your eyes and turned your face away from him.

He thrust his fingers just slightly harder than you would have liked, slightly harder than he would have liked. It would sting in the morning, but you wouldn’t hate it. Crescent-shaped cuts would be found everywhere on his skin and he would mourn that they were healing too fast. Both of you knew that this was it. The end.

You were wet, that obscene sound drowning out your choked noises. He absolutely loved this, loved you. He had thought being with Peggy again would make him feel like he was finally home. It took him so long to figure out that he was wrong, to realize that you were one of the few people that actually felt like home. You and Bucky, Nat, Sam, Tony, Wanda, Thor. Not Peggy.

And he could no longer pretend when he felt you tighten around his fingers. He was fucked up and he ruined things a lot of the time. It was just in his DNA, even the fucking serum couldn’t fix that. But prior to leaving, he’d never ruined anything with you. He hadn’t realized how much he missed fucking you because he always did that right.

“Open your eyes,” he ordered.

Instead, you pushed harder at his arm and turned further away from him. Your hips started to buck against his hand, and he knew you wanted this, but he knew you were not going to give in without some fight.

“Open your fucking eyes, Y/N.”

You were not going to. After all the hell he’d put you through? Fuck that, fuck him. You were never going to give him anything he wanted ever again.

He yanked his hand away from your pussy and grabbed your jaw to turn your face to him. He knew that wouldn’t work alone and in a move of desperation, kissed you. A move to get you to let your guard down—a weak move that would not work. As his knee came up to your cunt and you began grinding against it, he started biting your lip.

You buried one hand in his hair and started pulling harder than you should have. He released your jaw to do the same to you. This was much different than how he usually touched you. He’d always been rough, but this hurt, actually hurt.

You rode his thigh with no assistance from him. He let your face go and dropped your hair in search of another tactic. You were no longer kissing, you instead rested your head on his shoulder, eyes still squeezed shut. Even when he grabbed your ass painfully, and when he smacked you after all you did was scream. Even when he grabbed your breasts and pulled on your nipples.

You kept your eyes shut the entire time and he was growing furious. He wasn’t going to let you feel anything even resembling pleasure if you weren’t going to give into him. He pulled away and grabbed your hips.

You opened your eyes then, concerned about what he was doing to you next. He grabbed your shoulder and shoved you onto the bed before you could say a word. You were on your stomach, facing away from him, busy lamenting the loss of your finish. You heard him undressing as you attempted to regain your breath and composure.

He was on top of you before that happened, yanking your legs open before he crawled up, hands stopping on either side of your head. He wasn’t going to tease, he was going to fuck you like the brat you were—hard, mean, unforgiving. He lowered his hips until his cock was lined up with your entrance and then thrust in.

Your scream must have scared the hell out of the neighbors. You wouldn’t be surprised if the cops were being called right then. It wasn’t a pleasurable scream, you certainly liked that he was inside you, but that was just your body. Your heart ached in a way that it never had. You’d thought you were never going to feel him again, but it wasn’t some beautiful feeling of reconnection. You were at square one, you would have to crave his body all over again once this was over. You would go through those same agonizing withdrawals that had truly destroyed you those first few months.

Steve grabbed your hair again and shoved your face into the mattress. He didn’t care about taking it slow, making sure that you, his precious, sweet girlfriend, were okay. He felt just as torn up as you and he couldn’t afford emotional consideration when he was so fucked up. He only knew what he wanted, for you to look at him like you used to. He would do whatever he had to do to get it. Part of him didn’t care how low he would have to go. He wasn’t Captain America here, he didn’t have to live up to the same standards.

You blindly reached back to try to catch his arm, but your attempts never even touched him. He didn’t seem to care about what you were attempting, he just fucked you. He held you down as his hips slammed against your ass and he moaned loudly, shamelessly, selfishly. You finally caught a hold of his arm and used the heel of your palm to push, but since you were out of breath and had been for quite some time, you doubted that there was any real force behind it.

“Can’t breathe, baby?” he wondered, hips still snapping, the head of his cock reaching that delicious spot inside you.

You dug your nails into his skin even though it was an uncomfortable stretch and your muscles were screaming. You were screaming, too, despite everything, despite the lack of strategy in that, but this felt too good not to. You hadn’t been fucked like this in so long, this was what you knew you would never get from someone else. This deep, soul-level connection was a one-time deal. No one else was ever going to be able to give you this.

“If I let you up, you better fucking look at me. I’m not kidding, Y/N. I’ll fucking hold you down again until I fucking come.”

Once his hand lifted from your head, you turned up and gasped for air. It was a short-lived relief as soon as his hand pressed into your neck and angled your head back. It wasn’t that you were scared, and you should have been because you wholeheartedly believed his threat, it was that you were happy to have an excuse to give in. He was stronger than you, right? No one could blame you for giving in, hell, you were just trying to save yourself. Right?

Your eyes met his and his hips stuttered. A ragged breath fell from his lips, you felt it on your hair. That hard look in his eyes softened, he looked a lot like that man that had promised you he would come back to you.

“I love you,” he breathed.

Your eyes instantly filled with tears and you clamped your mouth shut. Both hands were buried in the bedsheets because you needed something to hold, something to tear at, something to destroy to cope with the burning anger that was consuming you.

“I’m sorry, I love you.” His body moved erratically against yours, desperate for all the things he’d longed for since he’d left you. The two of you were sick together, desperate, twisted people that proved it in bed. Peggy wasn’t like that and he was drowning trying to act like he was normal, like he was that same man that she had been with what felt like centuries ago.

He collapsed, chin pressing into the bend of your neck, and you felt his cum spilling into you. His arms wrapped around you, holding you tight as he rode out his finish. He didn’t stop, however, now he wanted to get you off. He wanted to feel those same pathetic, proud things he experienced whenever he played your body like an instrument.

You didn’t resist, what would be the point? You fucking deserved an orgasm, at the very least. You were ashamed to admit that you wanted it, needed it. You hadn’t honestly felt alive since he left you, but this reminded you what that was like.

He groaned when he felt you tightening around him, his hand wedging between you and the mattress to get to your clit. When he did, it was over and you crashed like a wave against the shore, and you saw stars, and you felt all those things you felt when you were happily in love with a man you thought loved you back.

So, in conclusion, you felt lies.

If he thought he could fuck reality out of your mind, he was sadly mistaken. You were coming down when your hand started sliding across the mattress. Your gun was not the only precaution you took—you’d known Natasha for years and she would strangle you if that was your only form of protection.

He was kissing down your spine when you located your knife, and he had just started to speak when you turned back and just stabbed. You had a general awareness of where he was, you knew you weren’t going to kill him, and you didn’t want to. You just needed to get away, before he started talking, apologizing, making more promises.

You didn’t wait to see where you stabbed, you simply clawed away from him until you could jump from the bed. He cried out and you heard him grabbing for you, but you couldn’t stop for anything. On your bedstand was the necklace you had shown up for, you grabbed it, along with your long coat and then you were on your way out the door.

Running around completely naked in the 40s, clutching a trench coat you knew you weren’t going to leave without, shoeless, dripping sweat and cum—you’d never thought your beautiful life with Steve Rogers would take you here.

A Bucky Barnes lecture was the last thing you wanted, but it was the only thing you would be receiving for probably several months. Well, when he was done with his silent treatment. He was furious when you returned, he didn’t say a word to you. Everyone else had completely fawned over you. They hugged you, pet your hair, told you how proud they were that you came home.

Bucky just stared at you and when they all parted so he could speak to you, he simply stormed out of Bruce’s lab. But yes, Bruce was a tad betrayed, your expectation on that had been correct. You apologized profusely and brought him coffee every day, several times a day until he stopped looking at you like a kicked baby animal.

Tony was disappointed, but not to Bucky’s extent. He simply could not fathom the hold Steve had on you still, told you as much. You admitted that you were wrong, and well, with Tony, that was really all he needed. He wanted to be right and he wanted you to tell him that you learned your lesson. To the untrained eye, he would look like a narcissist. But you knew him better, you knew he was just scared of losing you. Again. He merely wanted to know that you were sticking around and that was what you conveyed when you told him you had made a mistake going in the first place. He dropped it, like it never happened.

Natasha didn’t let you out of her sight for almost two complete weeks. She watched you and you felt her watching you, but she wasn’t going to pry. She was angry, but she was still handling you with gloves on. She wasn’t going to push you emotionally no matter how badly she wanted to. She also wasn’t going to ask questions, scared that prying would move you further away. You told her you saw Steve and that you got what you needed, she nodded, and that was the end of it. She still watched you, but she was slyer about it. She made sure you were in your room when she woke up and went to bed, but she took up Tony’s pretending routine as well.

Wanda didn’t need to ask anything; she knew because she read your thoughts. She knew because she had been outraged that you left without a goodbye, so she felt entitled to those thoughts. Not because she needed to know what happened but because she needed to know if you were going to try anything else again. She stopped being mad at you one day when you were making Bruce coffee. You hadn’t heard her, you were there in the kitchen, stuck in your own thoughts. She hugged you tight, didn’t say a word, but just like that, it was over.

Almost everyone had gotten over it in record time. You knew you were an asshole and you apologized, and you meant it, but even if you hadn’t, it wasn’t like they were ever going to hold it against you. Sometimes, knowing that, it made you feel worse because these people loved you and just like Steve had done to you, you hurt them. In the exact same way. You left.

Sam was in a much more difficult position. He felt a duty to you as one of Steve’s closest friends, but he also felt for Bucky. You’d really hurt Bucky and Sam could forgive you for being reckless, psychotic almost, even selfish. But the look on Bucky’s face when they discovered that you were gone was a hard thing to shake.

He stopped ignoring you after a couple of days, but the conversations were short, shallow. He didn’t ask about your time there and he didn’t ask about your feelings after. It was all small talk and polite conversation, it seemed like you barely knew each other at all. But sometimes, you would catch him watching you, like he was looking for signs of something that he couldn’t ask you. He wanted to know if you were still torn up by this Steve thing.

You were. You cried a lot, as if it happened all over again. Technically, in a way, it did. But you didn’t show them that, it was no longer their burden to bear. You had caused them pain when they tried to take yours away. You waited until you were alone or out of the tower, you cried quietly and quickly. You did not allow yourself those days where you would just hole up in your room. You were always awake early, asleep late, and you took care of yourself because you owed them all at least that.

You knew when Bucky was less angry, but you weren’t going to approach him. You were totally fine just waiting for him to let you know when he wanted to speak to you, which was one random morning after you’d finished sparring with Nat.

He was waiting outside the gym, muttered that he wanted to speak to you, and even Natasha had the good sense to get lost. It wasn’t going to be pretty, that much was clear. It was in his tone, his eyes, his tense posture.

He took you back to your room and ordered you to sit on the foot of your bed. He paced for a long time and you didn’t say a word or make a sound. When he finally looked at you, you seriously worried he might kill you. He was angry all over again, had worked himself up with his thoughts but you weren’t sure why entirely.

“Did you see him?”

You nodded.

“You talked to him.”

“About…everything? Um, no, not really.” There hadn’t been that conversation. Any attempts on Steve’s part were expertly diverted by you, with all your ill intentions and knowledge of how to get under Steve’s skin.

He nodded curtly. “So, this was for nothing then? You put me through all of this shit for nothing?”

“Bucky, I’m really so—”

He was storming out of the room before you finished your sentence.

You didn’t see him for two days, and when you did, it was clear again, you would be getting more silence. You told yourself you couldn’t be that hurt. You’d hurt him first, that meant he had the right to express his feelings even if that resulted in him not speaking to you.

Several days later, Bucky dropped his Winter Solider persona and became a worried, bitter mother hen. You were sick, it wasn’t something that you thought was a big deal. He’d come to speak to you again and with his enhanced hearing, heard you puking in the bathroom.

When you were done, he forced you back into bed and got Bruce. Bruce did the usual, it wasn’t as if anyone was worried, he was just too scared not to indulge Bucky. Speaking of, he was off in the corner of the room, claiming that you’d probably gotten some kind of time-traveling bug. He was being dramatic, and you became aware of what exactly had drawn him and Steve together all those years ago. Extra bitches.

“I’m sure she’s fine,” Bruce assured. “Her temperature is fine.”

“Take her blood, test it for time-traveling bugs.”

You rolled your eyes, and because Bruce had heard of the Winter Soldier, he did as was directed. Even though you were pretty sure that Bucky wasn’t serious. Not completely. Once Bruce had the excuse of focusing on your blood, that left you and Bucky alone.

“Why did you even go?”

This was not going to go over well. “Um…I had a plan…”

“A plan,” he repeated. “To do what?”

“I was sort of…kind of, just a little bit, going to kill Peggy.”

His mouth dropped.

You rolled your eyes. “I know that was stupid—”

“You’re insane!”

You glared. “Bucky.”

“You didn’t do it, right?!”

“No,” you huffed. “I should have, would have been putting her out of her misery. He’s such a fucking tool.”

He dragged his hand down his face, holding his jaw as he leaned over in his chair and pressed his elbows to the tops of his thighs. He was silent for a very long time before saying, “Yeah…he is. Did he hurt you?”

The bruises had been painfully obvious, there was no way to hide them, and you knew they could all guess what they came from. You felt your skin getting hot as you shook your head. “No. He wouldn’t do that, Bucky.”

He scoffed. “I thought that…but he did leave you and I never thought he could do that.”

“He’s…not different,” you claimed. “Just…”

“A fucking tool.” He nodded. “I know.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

“No, I’m really sorry, Bucky. I’m not just sorry for leaving and upsetting you. I’m sorry for everything, I’m sorry that you wasted months trying to make me feel better and then I just left. I’m sorry that I took you guys for granted, I’m sorry that I didn’t know how fortunate I was to have people who love me as much as you guys do. I know I betrayed your trust so it’s not going to mean much, but I will never do anything like that again.”

His eyes flit up from the floor to your face. “I do love you. So fucking much. You’re my only connection to him. And you left and I didn’t have that, I didn’t have you and I didn’t have him, and I was just…lost.”

You felt those familiar pricks in the back of your eyes, but you told yourself not to cry, you didn’t have the right. But just as soon as his eyes filled with tears, you couldn’t hold back your own anymore. He practically flung himself off the chair to rush to you, arms wrapping tightly around your shoulders.

You weren’t sure how long you both stayed there, just clinging to each other. This felt like the end of all the tension, though. This felt like a fresh start and you and Bucky were just going to have to move on without Steve. You pondered that for a while. You would have to try to find him a girlfriend or a boyfriend so he wouldn’t try to find you someone. It was going to be a little give and take, probably a major power-struggle every now and then, but it was going to be good.

The only reason you two pulled away was because both a frantic Bruce and Natasha ran into the room. They’d made all the noise two people could possibly make as they did so, crashing into each other because the doorway wasn’t big enough for the both of them.

They were wide-eyed, out of breath, both looking like they had just seen a ghost. But a much different ghost since they both regarded one another with a look of confusion.

“What is it?” Bucky demanded. “Wait, she doesn’t really have a time-traveling bug, does she?”

“Oh!” Bruce scoffed awkwardly, “I’d say so!”

You narrowed your eyes. “What the hell does that mean?”

“That can wait!” Natasha declared.

“No, it certainly cannot!” Bruce insisted.

These were two people who were normally soft-spoken, not because they were meek or soft in any general sense—hello, Black Widow and the Hulk—but in that they didn’t like drawing so much attention to themselves.

As they both started hissing arguments back at each other, Bucky sighed.

You glanced at him and he shrugged at you in response. Things were all better one second, but the very next, the world was ending.

Both Bruce and Natasha turned back to you with resolute looks on their faces. Natasha only spoke loudly this time because she was hoping to yell over Bruce, “Steve is back!” And Bruce yelled in a completely indelicate manner because he was shocked, horrified, extremely concerned, “You’re pregnant!”

Oh, shit.

Natasha and Bruce took a second to process what the other said and then gasped, turning to one another to share a look. They faced you again and decided to repeat the news only, Bruce screamed about Steve being back and Natasha more so framed it as a shrieking question you’re pregnant?!

You glanced at Bucky.

His jaw was set, his eyes narrowed just slightly. He merely nodded once then stood, throwing his hands up in the air. “Well, I’m gonna fucking kill him.”

Yep, the world was most certainly ending.

[betelgeuse-1988]

red cheeks // obi-wan x reader

hi guys! absolutely buzzing, hope you guys enjoy this one! i had a ton of fun with this work :) mainly bc I'm obsessed w/ewan's hands (don't @ me)

summary: “How can I take care of you, my love?” obi-wan wants to take care of you and you ask for the one thing that you've been wanting. porn w/out plot, obi-wan spanks you (don't worry, you please him, too ;) ) 

tags: smut, spanking, non-penetrative sex, grinding/dry-humping, vaginal fingering, (bad) dirty talk, probably a poor understanding of jedi (i’m working on it i promise!)

here’s a link if you’d rather read it on ao3!

“How can I take care of you, my love?”

It was a simple question, one that Obi-Wan asked you many times. Most of the time you would say something simple, whether it be sexual or domestic. Sometimes it would be specific, other times it would be something random, the first thing that popped into your mind. (Obi refused to let you defer to him or take “anything” as an answer. He’d push and push until you pulled something from the back of your head. You always had a sneaking suspicion he would read your mind and found something he wanted you to bring up.)

But tonight, when he so sweetly asked that question as you stood in the bathroom, getting ready for bed, you knew exactly what you wanted.

Hesitantly, you looked over at him after washing your face. “I think...I want you to spank me, Obi.”

Obi-Wan looked at you curiously, then, like a sweet puppy trying to decipher what you just commanded it to do. He had a small smile on his face as he blinked once, twice, three times before he responded. “Are you sure? That doesn’t really seem like I’d be taking care of you.” He then sat on the counter of the bathroom, grabbing hold of your hand and rubbing it lightly. You could tell he was only attempting to tease you, but quickly realized it did not hit you as playful teasing. Rather, you took it as skepticism, disappointment; anything but supportive and playful.

“I think it would be quite...satisfying? I’ve thought about the way your hands would feel on me there. Abrasive, yet...comforting.” You look down at his hand, on top of yours, too nervous to acknowledge what you had just revealed about yourself and your desires. The two of you had been together for just under a year and knew each other much longer (since you both were younglings). Some days it seemed as if you knew too much about each other. And, yet, Obi-Wan still gave you butterflies and goosebumps when he looked at you too intensely or teased you just a bit too much about how good you looked in (and out of) your robes. “I dunno, Obi. Perhaps it’s a bit too far?” You pulled away from him and busied yourself tidying up his refresher before you resigned yourself to falling asleep in an awkward silence after the Jedi agreed with and reprimanded you. Quite right, you manufactured the lecture in your mind already, too far. How could you think that harming you would ever be enjoyable for me?

“No,” he said simply, “Not too far, your desires and admiration is well within the bounds of normalcy. I just didn’t expect you to ask for such a thing tonight. I figured you were sore enough as is from training with your Padawan.” He had a small, smug smirk on his face. “I am happy to do anything you desire, little one. I only want to please you.” You respond with a bright smile as a thank you for understanding, deciding to disregard his snarky comment for the time being. He grabs your hand, leading you back to his bed. Obi-Wan sat down first, immediately pulling you to straddle him so he could kiss you. He cupped your face, kissing you delicately while your hands roamed his bare chest. Obi-Wan looked tough--hard, even--when he was covered in his Jedi robes. He fought so elegantly on the battlefield, it was difficult to picture the man as anything but the perfect example of a Jedi. And yet, when he was beneath you, he seemed and felt so soft. Not a warrior, not a fighter, but a lover made for you and you alone. His stomach and arms were strong, toned with training. But, they still had a layer of softness that you admired since you both were Padawan. This softness, in your mind, made him all the more pleasant to snuggle, even as he was insecure about this. You tried to convey how much love you held for him as thanks for what he was about to do for you. But, soon (too soon for your liking), he pulled away from your touches. You chased his lips as he did so, giving him small pecks until he finally calmed your eagerness. “Lay down on my knees, darling. I’m going to give you what you want.” 

Giving him one last kiss, you laid down, just as he asked, your stomach pleasantly on his thighs. Your legs and upper body rested comfortably on the bed, allowing you to stuff your head into the blankets. Obi-Wan could feel that you were tense, anticipating his next moves. “Let go, sweet one. You need to relax completely, okay? This is all for you.” He pulled down the panties you intended to sleep in and pulled your shirt up to reveal your backside completely. He began to rub you tenderly, making you as comfortable as possible under his touch. Then, without warning, he lifted his hand up and brought it back down swiftly. The smack! that the spank made was more shocking, at first, than the pain. That was, until, the lasting sting settled into your skin. He almost immediately raised his hand again, bringing it down a bit harder than the first time. You moaned with this one, kicking your leg slightly at the sensation.

Obi-Wan moves his hand down your body to begin playing with your pussy, dipping his fingers into your hole delicately. “Am I satisfying you, my darling? Does it feel good to be spanked?” Nodding your head, he finally thrust his fingers into you deeper, curling them slightly. After a few thrusts, he abruptly pulled them out, causing you to gasp at the emptiness. He then spanked you swiftly, bringing his hand down harshly. You shoved your head into the mattress and moaned, attempting to muffle your sounds and embarrassment. “Darling, I want you to use your words. Lift your head up and let me hear how good I’m making you feel.” He then spanked you again, emphasizing his point.

You let out a small groan as you lifted your head, “S-so good, Obi. You’re making me feel real good. Please keep spanking me, s-spank me harder, Obi.” You babbled out, trying to get him to keep going. He immediately responded to your request, bringing his hand down onto your ass, spanking you with the most force he had given you all night. You let out a deep moan, giving Obi what he wanted, and breathed out a simple “More.” 

Obi-Wan brought down more blows to your backside, causing you to moan and squirm under his touch, going back and forth on either side of your ass. Intermittently, he would finger you roughly. Shoving his two middle fingers into you, he would curl and spread them wide. Your hole would stretch wonderfully on his fingers alone, but his practiced movements and the lasting sting of his spanking brought you closer and closer to the edge very quickly. Your pussy was so wet that each time Obi-Wan thrust his fingers, you could hear your own wetness. The noise, mixed with your subtle gasps and loud moans became almost unbearable. These noises that filled the room caused your embarrassment from earlier to double down. As the embarrassment grew like a pit in your stomach, distracting you from the pleasure, you shoved your face into the mattress. Your ass throbbed slightly, and you could tell that it must be bright red under Obi-Wan’s gaze (just like your face). But, he quickly noticed that your head was down and could sense your deep-seated embarrassment. “Darling, there is nothing to be embarrassed about, you’re doing so well for me,” he reassured you. Squirming under his praise, Obi-Wan groaned and bucked his hips. You could now feel the outline of his bulge underneath you. “Can’t you feel that? You’re going to make me cum in my pants and you haven’t even touched me. Your noises and reactions are so beautiful,” he then leaned down to whisper in your ear, “I want to hear how I’m absolutely wrecking you.”

“T-then keep going, Obi. Wanna be a good girl and cum on your fingers,” you slur out, interrupted by a groan as Obi-Wan thrusts a third finger into you, “k-keep spanking me, I need to cum.”

Obi-Wan hums above you, continuing to curl and thrust his fingers “So needy, little one. Addicted to my fingers, hm?” You moaned out an agreement, grinding your hip into his groin. He pulls his fingers out of you immediately, spanking you and then rubbing your ass delicately. “Trying to tease me, love?”

“Nuh-uh...trying to help.”

He hummed again, in thought, “I see. Well, why don’t you help me by making yourself cum? Rub your clit for me while I finger you, darling.” You squirmed your hand down and began rubbing your clit fervently, trying to make Obi-Wan proud. He chuckled lightly at your excitement over the permission he gave you, “Little one, you can slow down.” His laughter would have embarrassed you if not for the fact you knew he was just as wrecked and desperate as you were. You shook your head, desperately trying to achieve the release you’d been teetering toward since Obi-Wan began fingering you that night. As you rubbed yourself, you felt Obi’s fingers tease you at your entrance again, fingering you at a pace that matched your movements. You began to thrust your hips up and into his fingers, shoving your forehead into the mattress aggressively in pleasure. “Cum on my fingers, darling. I know you can do it for me.” Your climax built and built until, finally, your walls tensed around Obi-Wan’s fingers and your legs began to shake. You rubbed your clit through your orgasm, but Obi-Wan pulled his fingers out almost immediately as soon as it started. He spanked your ass, roughly, as you came, not stopping until you pulled your fingers away after all of the aftershocks that wracked through your body. Your moans were high-pitched praises and thanks to Obi-Wan. As you laid there, catching your breath, you felt Obi-Wan’s bulge press softly into your hip, a reminder of what you did to him. 

On shaky legs, you moved to straddle Obi-Wan again. You could sense he was about to protest, but you shush him with a delicate kiss. After you pulled away, you said to him softly, “Wanna help you, Obi. Wanna make you feel good like you made me feel.” You begin to grind down on his crotch through his pants. You look him in the eyes as they become blown-wide with lust. Just as your wet pussy grinds against him, soaking his thin pajama pants, he bucks his hips up, his precome soaking his pants from the inside. 

He wraps his arms around you, causing you to slot your head into the crook of his neck as he rubs the back of your head delicately, running his fingers through your hair. Obi-Wan murmured praise into your ear. What catches you off guard, however, is how, as his grip around you tightened and his thrusts increased in frequency, he whispered so gently in your ear “I love you, darling.” He moaned roughly against your ear, “Thank you for caring for me.” His words were drawn out and broken up by moans. You can tell his statements are genuine as if caring for you is what truly fulfills him, not just his participation in the Jedi Order. You both value your lives as Jedi and adhere to your religion, but the way you look into each other’s eyes shows the genuine love and compassion you hold for each other. You would drop any and everything for the other person, no matter what. His thrusts eventually stall against your cunt, groaning loudly.

Obi-Wan was then the one to hang his head in embarrassment as he grumbled into your shoulder. “I just came in my pants, little one. Look what you do to me.”

You giggle sleepily as you move to get off of him so he can clean himself up. “At least you did it for me, darling. I’m very proud of you.” He almost glowed with the praise but winced when he saw you struggle to get off of his lap. As you stood up, the pain buzzing on your ass finally settled in, causing you to groan slightly. “Kriff, that was worth it...but Maker does it hurt.” 

You laid down on the bed, watching as Obi-Wan left to clean himself and grab some bacta for you. Once he came back, he knelt on the floor to apply the gel to your behind, and you responded to his earlier exclamation.

“I love you, too, Obi. Thank you for caring for me, tonight and every night.”

“Of course, darling. You do the same for me in ways you don’t even know.” He pressed his lips to yours for the last time that night and climbed into bed.

[queerstudiesnatural]

i was tagged by frank @soupstiel thank you wormstie <3

rules: answer 30 questions and tag 20 blogs you are contractually obligated to get to know better.

name: rain

star sign: taurus

height: 5'4 / 1.64 m

time: 1:45 am

birthday: may 10th we had a party

favourite bands/artists: see the thing about me is that i don’t feel shame. taylor swift, louis tomlinson, 5sos, luke hemmings, hozier. glee cast.

last movie: dancing queens, it’s a swedish movie about a girl who introduces herself as a boy to be able to dance with a group of drag queens. the dancing wasn’t amazing but the gay people were. leave it to scandinavian movies to give you actually realistic queer characters (or like, characters in general tbh). 

last show: currently watching good witch, and i liked the gilmore girls vibes at first but now i’m halfway through and i’m kinda bored tbh. cassie is my ideal woman though. 

when did i create this blog: september 2021 but i’ve had my main for 10 years

what i post: here u go

last thing i googled: “rrr movie” because that’s what frank said he watched and i thought he was talking about the french movie by that name but his description of it didn’t match so i looked it up and apparently it’s a different movie. the french movie is called rrrrrrr. hilarious movie if you understand french. 

other blogs: my main is @ghost-roads and i have lots of old side-blogs for old hyperfixations that i don’t use anymore but haven’t deleted bc i’m a hoarder

do i get asks?: sometimes. not enough :( i wanna hear from u guys! 

following: 1010 apparently. that’s too many. in my defense i do have several blogs. but i might need to do a bit of a cleanse bc the dash has become A Lot

average hours of sleep: 6 which is soooo not enough for me

instruments: um. a lot. my main instrument is the viol (or viola da gamba) but i also play the recorder, guitar, piano, harpsichord, and then i can find my way around a cello, a double bass, most percussion instruments, and i just bought a violin so i’m gonna try to learn that next. oh and voice.

what im wearing: a floor length flowery dress hashtag summer

dream job: tbh, what i already do (music teacher) but like. less underpaid.

dream trip: not much of a traveller, but i would like to visit more european countries, but not by myself. i need a travel companion otherwise i won’t enjoy myself

nationality: no comment

favourite songs: that’s difficult because when i like an artist i’m usually obsessed with their entire discography and it’s hard to pick favourites. so here are some songs that are iconic to me personally, but that isn’t to say i don’t also like other songs just as much. would you come home by tyler blackburn. long live by taylor swift. the night we met by lord huron. starting line by luke hemmings. movement by hozier.

last book i’ve read: good thing i know no shame. new moon from the twilight saga, which i finished almost a year ago and had been reading for the past three years. yeah

top 3 fictional universes i’d like to live in: stars hollow from gilmore girls. middleton from good witch. and the shire from lotr. i realise those are places inside the universes in question but i mean if i were to live in those universes i’d have to pick a place and well i pick those places specifically. also yes i do just wanna live in a small town where everyone is friends and nothing bad happens.

i’m pretty sure that wasn’t 30 questions lol. i’m not gonna tag 20 people either so i guess fuck the rules. 

tagging the besties, sorry if you’re already been tagged, and of course there’s no pressure to actually do this <3

@sarcasmisalifechoice @roublardise @knifelesbianjo @girlbossdean @lesbianjoannaharvelle @charlie-bradbury @supersapphical @michaelcoded @dylfnatural @angelsdean @freakwiththeknifecollection

[ahundredtimesover]

Like a Thief in the Night (FNTO 3)

What were you both trying to prove? That two people can remain just friends?

Pairing: Jungkook x (f.) Reader

Genre/Tags: strangers to friends to lovers, popstar/idol!jk, fluff, angst, future smut; this is a dialogue-heavy series so read if you’re into that! 

Warnings: foul language, these characters talk alot bc I talk alot, eventual smut

Word count: 4,800

Series summary: You meet pop star/idol Jeon Jungkook at the café, you get close, and as Hyejin says, you’re like friends with benefits without the sex. But you’re bad at feelings and so is he.

series masterlist

A/N: JK gets some sense knocked into him thanks to Seokjin and Jimin bc I am a jinminkook stan. Italicized parts refer to past events. Listen to Home by 1D to prep you for part 4! 

#

Jungkook covers his face with his hands, elbows leaning on the table, right leg shaking constantly. He’s been listening to the track over and over again; the hook sounded good yesterday but why does it seem lacking today? 

“Fuck, I’m not gonna get this done in time,” he curses to himself. It has been a few days since he arrived in L.A. and had met with the producer he reached out to just as he planned. 

He’s been staying holed up in his hotel room though, his daily gym visits being the only other thing, aside from the concerts, that he looks forward to, given the old couple and father-and-son duos he’s been seeing there everyday. The guys and the rest of the team won’t arrive until a few days later, and he hasn’t had any motivation to go around the city.

He plays the track one more time. Maybe this time he’ll figure out what’s missing; is it in the melody? The lyrics? But unsurprisingly, he doesn’t. It sounds just like it did a minute ago, yesterday, 2 days ago. 

You won’t get any more productive being cooped up in here, he’d told you that Saturday when he dragged you out of your apartment for a little excursion. 

It’s been over a week since then. He’d told you the words you always tell him when he’s groaning in frustration to you over the phone because of a certain pitch he can’t get right, or over words that don’t seem to capture what he wants to say. 

He closes his eyes, head thrown over the desk chair and he lets out another grunt. Artists need to go out for inspiration and you don’t seem like you’re getting it here. 

He closes his laptop, wears a cap over his head, and readies himself to go out. “Damn it, Y/N, you win. You always do,” he says to himself, and walks out the door. 

#

It’s quite windy for a summer day in August in L.A., but the sun is still high up enough, slightly blinding Jungkook. The skies are clear, and he thinks it’s a good enough day as any to finally take a trip to the Griffith Observatory. 

He didn’t do much, just stared out at the city below him and enjoyed the fresh air he’d finally allowed himself to breathe. He could see the clouds so clearly from here, all soft and puffy. 

I’d eat those, you’d said not long ago when you were having brunch on your terrace, the warm summer air of Seoul hitting your faces. Of course, you’d eat anything, he’d answered back, earning a smack from you. That makes both of us, you’d said. 

He lets out a low groan. You again. “It’s just clouds, for fuck’s sake,” he says to himself. Somehow this seemed to signal to him that it was time to go.

A hotdog sandwich and soda later, Jungkook finds himself in Hancock Park, the sun slowly dipping down the horizon, making it a good time to just lay on the sprawling greens by the perfectly lined palm trees. 

With hands behind his head, he thinks that it's been a good day. Why you’d said that L.A. isn’t your cup of tea, he never found out. The city seems so dynamic, interesting; it has a little something for everyone, especially the food. He should ask you some time. 

Jungkook pauses his thoughts. Ask you? Why should he? He basically shunned you away, ghosted you for a week and convinced the company to allow him to leave early so he could meet with the producer he could very easily meet in between shows, just so he could get away from you as quickly as possible. 

The confused, pleading, and then defeated look on your face bore into his mind, unwillingly etched there along with the happier images of you - eating your favorite red bean ice cream, laughing so hard that no sound comes out of your mouth, your scrunched up face when drinking sodas, furrowed eyebrows when working, and finally, your sleeping figure bunched up underneath a thick fleece blanket, soft snores escaping you. 

That last one will always be his favorite, had been since that first time you’d asked him to sleep next to you. 

He woke up earlier than you that Sunday, the day after your little trip, body already used to their early morning wake up calls. You were both under the covers, with you taking up most of the blanket, as always. He softly laughed at this when he realized that half of his body was exposed, but this gave him a reason to scoot closer to you and feel your warmth, so he wasn’t complaining. 

You looked so peaceful, so soft, even with slightly furrowed brows as you were engulfed in your dream. A loose strand of hair fell on your face, which he’d tucked gently behind your ear. A smile befell him, thinking of the way his heart was currently beating slow and fast at the same time. How was that even possible? 

But he didn’t mind it, didn’t even think to find an answer. He’d already given up on finding reasons for what you’d been doing to him, what you’d been making him feel. 

He decided right then and there that he will no longer run from what he’s feeling for you, that he will no longer play this up as something that just happened. 

He’s a firm believer of destiny anyway, and yesterday, this moment right now, he feels like he’d dreamt it all before. He’s meant to be here with you, just as he was meant to be at your aunt’s cafe that September day last year to run into you, or that night out last New Year's when Chaewon had lost her car key and was too preoccupied to take care of you so he did, leading to that fateful morning of you in your underwear almost stabbing him - you both did agree that experience solidified your friendship, after all. 

Every other moment after that with you felt real, and more than anything, it felt right. He fell asleep again not long after, your steady breathing lulling him to sleep. His last thought was of the next time he’d wake up next to you like this again, and his heart softens at the thought.

He shakes his head, anger and frustration building up again, not at you but at himself. He was deliberate in his avoidance of you that whole week before he left.

He’d missed you when you were busy and he somehow felt empty. He crashed your Saturday and took you on a little trip - he remembers how fast his heart would beat whenever you’d lean on him, butterflies in his stomach suddenly having grown in size.

After you’d thanked him for being such a great friend - he winces at the word - he felt his heart shatter slowly, and then all at once. 

It wasn’t out of the ordinary because you thank him constantly. He thinks it’s because you feel he could be doing something else other than spend time with you because time for him is a luxury; wealthy as he is, it’s something he can not afford. He never told you though that spending time with you is one of the things he looks forward to, sort of an escape but also a taste of normalcy he’s barely afforded. 

But after a while, your expression of gratitude became more specific - it wasn’t just time you were thanking him for, it was his attention, his care, his thoughtfulness… his friendship. 

Fate was playing a game with him, he thinks, that at the moment he’d decided what he wanted from you and what he could give you - his time, his world, his love at some point - you’d decided to define him, as your friend. How cruel, he whispers to himself. 

He tries to think as you do. You’d probably call him silly for his musings because you never believed in fate or destiny, always thought that things happen as they do, because they do - no grand plan, no specific reason, just a reason, and that was enough for you. 

He goes home from his sightseeing and allows himself to think about you again that night, and the night after. He thinks about your plump lips, soft against his chapped ones. He thinks about how it felt with you close to him, your arms wrapped around his; fingertips just slightly brushing. He’s glad you’d never lay your head on his chest when you sleep, at least he doesn’t know what that feels like - what you don’t know can’t hurt you, after all. 

He let the sound of your laughter and your out of tune singing sing him to sleep, over and over playing in his head. He tortures himself like this. It’s all he could do to get back at himself on your behalf, he thinks. You hurt him without knowing, and he hurt you right back. 

#

“Mind sharing what’s interesting about that text message, Jungkook?” Yoongi calls out from across the table. 

The guys are finally in the U.S., the morning of rehearsal having just wrapped up and everyone is backstage for a lunch break. 

Hoseok shoots Yoongi a look, as if to tell him to talk about it only when Jungkook brings it up first. The older man only shrugs. 

Jungkook picks this up, though; he picks up everything. He knows his hyungs as much as they know him. The questions about the meeting with the producer, how the mixtape is going, any sights he’d seen, new food he’d tried. They’re trying, he figures. 

He could sense the glances everyone is giving each other but him, the topic-change when the conversation is heading to the topic of you, the clearing of throats, the awkward silences. 

“Y/N texted,” Jungkook says after one of those awkward silences. He stares at the screen, as he’s been doing since last night when, just as he was about to finally doze off at 3AM, his phone lights up. You probably thought he was already asleep, not knowing the agony he was putting himself through.

Everyone falls silent but looks at him softly. Seokjin turns to Yoongi, as if telling him to say something and finish what he started, but Namjoin gets to it first.

“You can talk about it, or not. Depends on what you think will help you be ready for the next 2 nights of shows,” the leader says. “Just let us know.”

Jungkook sighs. “I hate myself enough just thinking about her. I don’t know what I’d be if I start talking,” he says. 

“We’ve got time after tomorrow,” he resigns. Everyone nods in agreement. “I need to be at my best for these two nights,” Jungkook says, and proceeds to keep his phone in his pocket and heads out.

#

Y/N: There’s no proper way to say this but I’m so sorry, Jungkook. I thought I had it all figured out. I wanted too many things from you but couldn’t commit to anything. I was selfish and unfair. I hate myself for hurting you the way I did and you didn’t deserve any of that. I’m so sorry.

Jungkook reads the text over and over again, as if doing so will clarify things for him. Wanted too many things? Couldn’t commit to anything? What did you mean? He called you selfish and unfair that day when you showed up at his place, and he hates himself for it, he hopes more than you hate yourself for hurting him. 

“I’m sorry, Jungkook, I told her about you leaving early,” Jimin starts. “I probably should’ve picked up that something was wrong when you seemed off that whole day after you got back from her place and should’ve kept my mouth shut.” 

“Nothing to be sorry about, hyung,” he responds. “If I hadn’t been an idiot and ghosted her for a week, we could’ve settled it properly instead of dragging you guys into this,” Jungkook says, looking up from his phone. 

He figures you’d eventually reach out to one of the guys about him. Seokjin had likewise reached out to you the other day, asking what was going on, that much he’s said.

“She also didn’t say much when I asked,” Seokjin says from across the table, beer bottle in hand. 

The guys are in a new city and have the next day just for rehearsals. He and Jimin had knocked on Jungkook’s hotel room, in hopes that the younger would be willing to talk. 

“But she did sound pretty out of it,” the elder continues. “What happened, Kook? Everything seemed to be going so well with you two. Unless it’s what we think it is.”

“What do you mean?” Jungkook shoots both of them a confused look.

Jimin sighs. “Who fell first?” He questions. Jungkook’s eyes go wide, but then again, that’s what always happens right? He’s been in denial long enough that you and he were going to go down that route, but his hyungs weren’t. 

Jungkook shuts his eyes before taking a deep breath. 

“I did, at that moment,” he says, referring to that Sunday morning. “I mean, I think I’d felt something before then, but it felt faint, like something fleeting, something abstract, like a thought.” Jungkook drifts a bit, eyes glowing to the memory of you under the blankets.

“But I woke up that morning next to her and I don’t know, for the first time it felt different from all the other mornings. It felt tangible, like something I could hold onto and touch and feel and savor, not just an abstract idea of a person or a feeling,” he looks at his hyungs, eyes shining before they turn downcast. “But she thanked me for being a great friend.”

“Ouch,” Seokjin quips. “No wonder you’ve been moping.”

“I’ve been doing worse,” Jungkook responds. “I’ve been torturing myself, playing that morning, and that day at my house before I left, over and over again.”

“Why are you punishing yourself?” Jimin asks. 

“Because I lashed out on her. I called her selfish and unfair. I told her I wanted to get away from her, that she’s the problem.” 

At this, the two older men look at him, shock painted on their faces at the reveal. This doesn’t sound like their sweet little Kookie, expressing such anger that way.

“I didn’t talk to her for days and she stood there looking worried and sad and I lashed out. I essentially blamed her for the feelings I couldn’t control. She looked at me like I was the one breaking her heart.” 

“Maybe you were, too. Breaking her heart, I mean.” Seokjin quips. At this, Jungkook sighs. “Maybe not in the way you think but… did you even hear her out?”

“No…” Jungkook responds. He didn’t give you a chance. You stood there, demanding an explanation, and he blew you off. 

“Well, I doubt she’d say much. She didn’t know how you were feeling before then, did you really expect anything more? What happened to talking it out? You two always did that,” Jimin asks. 

“Yeah but not about this, not about feelings.”

“What kind of people flirt, kiss, sleep next to each other, and not talk about feelings?” Jimin continues.

“Idiots, cowards, naive people…” Seokjin answers, looking upset. The other two men could’ve easily missed the bitter tone of his voice.

“Yoongi hyung is that you?” Jungkook asks, a laugh almost escaping his lips.

“He’s rubbing off on me but the point is, that’s what you both are. What were you both trying to prove? That two people can remain just friends? She hadn’t let anyone in since her breakup, and you…” Seokjin gesticulates, trying to find the right words for Jungkook. “You are you, Jungkook. You don’t willingly make time just for anyone because you, we, don’t have enough of it. But you always, always make time for her. Both of you kept doing what you were doing, whatever it was, and did you really think staying in the gray area was sustainable? Look what happened!” Seokjin is out of breath, clearly this means a lot to him too. 

“I thought you’d learned enough from me,” he emphasizes the last word, pointing to himself. 

Jungkook and Jimin both soften at the elder, almost forgetting that he knows a thing or two about staying in the gray area, too afraid of crossing invisible lines, too naive to think that good things stay. 

“I teased along with everyone else because you two were enjoying yourselves, seemingly mature enough to roll with the punches and laugh along without it being awkward, and I’m not gonna lie, you guys were pretty cute too, but so many times I wanted to smack your head to knock some sense into you,” he continues. 

“You can never be too complacent about these things, Jungkook. You can never just resign into thinking that the person who makes you feel this happy, this right, can be kept at a distance and just stay there.” 

Jungkook feels it’s cathartic to Seokjin as much as it is for him. He’s right. Both of you should’ve talked about it at some point, perhaps after that first and second kiss, perhaps when it became routine to do that whenever he slept over, perhaps when it started to feel so right having your lips onto his. You were both being naive, thinking that things would remain as good as it was as time went on. 

He should’ve said something earlier, or perhaps talked to you right after that day instead of avoiding you. But more importantly, he shouldn’t have lashed out on you the way he did. His anger was misplaced. Perhaps he was angry at himself for letting it get as far as it did, for letting it affect him as much as it did. 

He let you sneak in his heart just like that, like a thief in the night you crawled in and took from him, and he let you, he always let you. And he never complained because he wanted it too. He wanted you, in whatever way he could have you, but he let his own cowardice get the best of him that day at his house. He lashed out because he was scared, more than anything, that you didn’t feel the same way. 

“I’m sorry, I just…” Seokjin says after a long silence has engulfed the three men, everyone finding a spot in the room to focus on, letting the words sink in. 

“We could all tell how happy she makes you and how soft you are for her. I mean, you let her give you shit for thinking that Ironman is the best Avenger and you never complain when she wears your clothes,” he continues, a smile forming on his lips. 

Seokjin, like the rest of the guys, feel very protective of the youngest. They feel they’ve done their part in raising him and want nothing more than for him to be happy, seeing the amount of pressure he puts on himself. 

“You don’t find that person just anywhere, Jungkook, especially not with the kind of life we live. I would’ve hoped you understood that and made you sure you wouldn’t lose her,” he continues.

“Yah, don’t get ahead of yourself, hyung. He hasn’t lost her yet,” Jimin says, looking at Jungkook to confirm. 

Jungkook buries his face on his hands. “I don’t know, I hope not. But I said hurtful things to her and I can’t take them back. And I’m thousands of miles away and I can’t just fix things from here.”

“Do you even know what you want now? After everything that’s happened?” Seokjin asks.

“I don’t know, depends on what she wants too, I guess,” Jungkook responds.

“Well, you didn’t even give her a chance to say anything so how would you know,” Jimin states the obvious. 

Jungkook lets out a low growl. Of course he didn’t give you a chance to say anything because he left you hanging, all messages unopened, all calls unanswered. And then he left. He felt so brave walking on this undefined territory with you but chickened out the moment things got serious. 

“Look, just… give both of yourselves time. You can’t do much from here anyway, and you’re both too out of it right now to know what to do next,” Seokjin advises. He knows better than anyone that giving yourself time is most important.

“But what if she decides she doesn’t want any of this anymore? That she doesn’t wanna talk to me or have anything to do with me when I get back?”

“Yah! Give yourselves more credit. I know it’s hard but you need to have faith in your friendship, at least,” Jimin reprimands the younger boy. “We’ve still got over a month into this leg of the tour and that’s enough time to figure yourself out.”

Jungkook comforts himself with this thought. But can he manage spending all this time away from you, knowing he left things on a bad note? He can’t fault himself enough for how he left things, and now he has to put faith in your shared friendship that things were going to be okay. 

If you’re meant to be together, it’ll happen; that should be enough, right? He’ll go home soon, and he’ll see you at some point, that’s if you still want to see him. He just has less than 2 months to figure out what he wants, and moreso, what he could give. 

#

It’s been 6 weeks since that day at Jungkook’s house when he implied he had feelings for you. 

You know what else is nice? Calling me to come over on Friday nights when you didn't feel like being out, asking me to stay the night and having me sleep next to you, kissing me and saying you liked waking up next to me then telling me that ‘this feels nice and comfortable and fun’ and that I really am a great friend, he told you then. You were an idiot, that much you’ve figured out.

Other than busying you with a trip to the carnival, baseball nights, arcade Saturdays, and gallons of Baskin Robbins, your friends have done their part in helping you process your feelings and figure out exactly what you feel for the doe-eyed boy. 

They helped you backtrack, as if your story was some sort of mystery that needed clues that would eventually point to what you were looking for - the moment it all changed, for you and maybe for him, too. 

But you realized it wasn’t exactly a moment, it was a series of them - the first time he took you home when you were drunk, that night he came over when you were crying over your ex, when he sang to you over the phone because the thunder was scaring you, when you cried together after rewatching Avengers: Endgame for the nth time… when you first kissed and he tasted of beer and his strawberry chapstick, when you kissed the second time and he didn’t pull away. 

You let yourself drown in those little kisses more than you care to admit. It was all you could give him and you felt it was all he could give in return. You both never went past that act; on your end it was because you knew that anything beyond that would lead to wanting more, something you knew he couldn’t give, something you told yourself not to expect. 

He’d come over whenever he could when you asked, he’d stay over when it was okay to do so. You ask once and nothing more, nothing more than a peck on the lips, nothing more than a Friday evening or a Sunday morning, nothing more than a quick hug, nothing more than a “thank you.”

You knew all this, hence, why you conditioned yourself to think that what you both were was all that you could ever be. He told you once that relationships tend to get messy and he already has enough crazy to deal with. That stuck with you, and perhaps that’s when your mind made the decision to not look at him as anything more. 

But you still kept pushing it, subconsciously you think, knowing there was still an invisible line you shouldn’t cross. You kept doing what you wanted, just waiting for him to say no, but he never did. He never does. He’s always quick to make it up to you when he turns you down. 

This thought suddenly makes you angry. Why didn’t he just say no? That would’ve been better, you think. He could’ve just rejected you instead of coaxing you into this unfamiliar and undefined territory. Now you’re both stuck, unsure of what to do next. You carved this out though, you remind yourself. 

Anything “more” with him was definitely not an option, so you created your own path towards something that isn’t “more,” just something short of it. 

You look over the last communication you had with him. You sent him a message, a few days after he left when you’d had some sense knocked into you, apologizing. That’s all you could’ve given him then, an apology. Not an acceptable explanation, not a promise, not a solution or a way out; just an apology, in hopes that it would be enough.

You sent him a “Happy birthday, I hope you enjoy today!” greeting coupled with a photo of a cupcake with a candle you’d bought just for him on that first week of September. He replied but a “Thank you.” Nothing more.

Seokjin and Jimin reached out to you too, in the days following Jungkook’s departure. They’re letting him deal with it in whatever way works for him, they said. The priority is making sure he’s at his best for the shows, for the fans. You understood this, of course. The stage is where he’s at his happiest. You’re glad he’ll always have that. 

The guys will be resting at least a week after they get back before preparing for the final 3 days of the tour in Seoul. You don’t have long before then. 

The day after Jungkook left, you had that epiphany moment with Hyejin where she told you that perhaps you’d just done whatever you wanted because you wanted everything and nothing at the same time but couldn’t commit to either. You thought you had everything figured out without realizing that in fact, you didn’t. You had 2 months to figure your shit out, and you did.

It was that one afternoon when you absentmindedly picked up banana milk at the supermarket when you intended to just get chocolate milk at the dairy section. It baffled you when you opened your eco bag to see the yellow box, as if the universe was playing a trick on you. You stared at it like it had grown eyes or something, until you realized the other items in your refrigerator, your pantry, your counter that was all for him. 

His favorite cereals on the top shelf, his Nutella and banana beside your peanut butter, his favorite biscuits in the cabinet, the mint chocolate chip ice cream in the freezer. Even his favorite toothpaste is in your bathroom. 

And you smiled. You smiled at how silly you seemed. It’s not just that you couldn’t get the thought of him off you, it’s that you didn’t want to. You’d willingly let him be a part of your life, of your everyday. 

You miss him so much, more than you thought you ever could. All you want to do is talk to him even if you’re hurt and angry and upset. You just want him, even if things are confusing. You just want him even if you don’t know what he’s feeling after everything. 

You want it to work, no matter what it takes. You won’t walk away from this if it doesn’t work out the way you normally do. You’ll stay and try until it does, hoping to all that is good that he feels the same way.

#

As the end of September rolls in, the feelings of fear, anxiety, and excitement start to engulf you. They’ll be back soon, and Jimin had said he’ll message once they arrive. You’d given each other time; the two months felt like two years. That should be enough. 

You’re lounging at your terrace, Sunday night in full swing for those with interesting and put-together lives unlike you. And then your phone beeps, signaling a message.

JM: Hi, Y/N. We’re home!

##

part 2 drabble <<>> part 4

series masterlist

[dragonheadskilax]

iron-cutting-meteor-sword: literally frantically trying to do the same thing you did and consume all Lupin media so I can keep up AGQNRBE I had no idea he had an animated sakura background in one movie that’s so funny. i love the galaxy brain of Goemon being both traditional and also just like. normally experienced with certain modern things. like he can fly a plane and drive a car and operate certain machinery and use a phone bc he’s part of Lupin’s gang, he’s got to know how to do that, he’s just not really one to show off about it like Lupin and Jigen. I DID like the gag they put in Seven Days Rhapsody though were Lupin remarks that of all the people in the world Goemon looks so wrong holding a cellphone (now that I think about it, the “you changed ur phone” comment may have been in reference to the fact that they gave Goemon a flip phone to have since Rhapsody? He had the flip phone in following installments) ANYWAY love ur Goemon posts king

My first 2 weeks was watching Parts 4-6, TWNFM and a few movies. Month 1 watching All movies. Month 2 Parts 1-3. And now, I’ve been rewatching everything again but in order with a bit of reading or peeking at the games and obscure music albums. I don’t recommend the tactic of seeing three movies in a single day, instant brain soup.

And yeah! I love his thing of having a traditional way of style and living but is still up to date with some things for the sake of its convenience. Especially for how he travels a lot so he has to know about flight schedules and using public transportation or using a gas station if he’s traveling by his scooter. He probably isn’t familiar with what’s hip and popular but he doesn’t need to know all that. Like, personally I pretty much understand that since for many years I Only wear or use devices that are antique or at least non-contemporary in appearance. Because, well idk… it’s what I’ve always done. I’d still do other things for the enjoyment of it but would I ever stop my specific thing of being an oldie? Not likely.

So Goemon could comparatively be a similar situation. He isn’t strict about it and often contradicts himself, I remember one time Jigen said the ‘worthless object’ line at him in a special I think and Goemon wanted him to shut. The idea he’s just an old timey japanese samurai is pretty surface level. Heck the idea he’s Just only japanese is pretty surface level too cuz anyone who’d grew up in Japan would consider themselves culturally japanese. Since he visits and is very familiar with other asian countries, In The Last Job he tells how comes to Thailand all the time and was miffed Lupin didn’t already know that fact about him. Family wise, there’s barely any info besides name. In Fuma Conspiracy there were a looot of people at the wedding and they couldn’t all be from Murasaki’s side. But in a way, not having more info would go along with how there’s barely any info on everyone else, too.

( Hope you don’t mind having me answer these tags too ) I’ve mainly been looking at the choice of fabric, patterns, dyeing techniques, belts, and etiquette for the clothing than fully going into timelines of the changes. Aside for the thing of how (umanori) hakama gotten the pants like form when horse riding for samurai became a thing as ando (skirt like) is the other type. But as I was learning about collars and underwear it reminded me of how funny it is Goemon just, looks like that. Sure it’s a cartoon and there’s the thing of simplification for the sake of art/animation but in most promo art where everyone’s dressed in something fancy he could still be wearing the same every time it’s just noticeable now. In part 3 he does look tidier though, since more details were drawn. He doesn’t wear things the typical way in historical/media portrayals of a samurai. His wear is more like for martial arts training if anything since that’s almost all he ever does, or he’s just simply semi-formal. In a way it kinda does lean again on how he isn’t strict about sticking to being totally traditional he’s just doing what’s convenient as all he wants to do is hold sword, be tranquil, and get money cuz he still has to make a living. To Goemon his choices gotta apply to his interest of samurai even if it doesn’t make sense. Like when he was repeating movie lines from a samurai movie he watched. Watching soccer just cuz one player was nicknamed samurai. Like oh yeah, it’s definitely his big interest.

And my deets for Jigen clothes is he does appear to know his stuff when it comes to suits and companies to get them. High end stuff. One time Lupin asked how he’s not hot when in a jungle Jigen replies it’s cuz of the material. Which I agree, material is everything, natural all the way if wanting to be cool. Maybe Lupin gets his suits at halloween stores at The Joker section for his clothes. I’m sure Jigen gets high end hats too as beaver felt is considered the best even after centuries. It’s durable, water resistant, and so soft. You haven’t felt hats ‘til you get fur felt.