#some poor cook: my lord we can do this

[theoneandonlynikki]

A thought if you will: I don't think Eowyn being a bad cook was intended to relate to her gender at all.

There's a far more logical explanation for it: she's a princess, and thus has never had to cook a day in her life. Of course her first attempt ever at cooking is going to suck. Yeah, a woman who fights and can't cook is definitely going to be read as a commentary on gender roles. But I feel like only the fighting part was ever intended to be applied in that manner.

This also leads to another thought: if Eowyn can't cook, I doubt many of the other royals can. Which includes Legolas, as he is a prince. And that's just a really funny idea, like they're out on the quest and Aragorn refuses to ever let Legolas make dinner. Which is honestly hilarious to me.

Gimli: I'm tired of Lembas, can we eat some real food?

Legolas: I could make--

Aragorn: Absolutely not.

[3motionally3xhausted]

I've been cooking 🐞🐈‍⬛

I have a habit of not posting my art if I'm doing a series of drawings because I want them to be together & I'm not really sure how to get around that

Anyway here's some Miraculous redesigns bc as I've said before, if I get my grubby little hands on some cartoon blorbos, they will be redesigned

I'm likely to post more of these bc I'm having fun with it, I don't think I'm going to finish the cowboy one bc I'm just not enjoying it as much, but I also plan on doing some motorcycle fits bc my bff was foaming at the mouth over Ladybug getting a helmet Lucky Charm I also want to redesign their swapped miraculous bc my bff also thoroughly enjoyed ladynoir (she's a big Ladybug fan & I'm big on Chat Noir so we don't fight 👍)

(kill me because good lord that is so much to do & my poor hand can only draw so much 😭😭)

[midnightwriter21]

Sanemi, Shinobu and Obanai x Giyuu little sister reader. Reader 20 and 1 year younger than Giyuu and is the Polar opposite of Jim like she very playful and curious but also very loving to him and he spoils her. She a civilian who owns a tea shop. May I have headcanons with her and those three and Giyuu reaction to each please?

demon slayer hcs: sanemi & shinobu x giyuu's little sister!reader

characters: sanemi, shinobu, giyuu

warnings: mentions of birth control in shinobu's (idek if that needs a warning lol)

AN: pumped this out at 3am lol, ill be doing obanai in another part!

SANEMI

your relationship was such a slow burn lol

when he finds out ur giyuu's sister its an immediate disliking on Sanemi's part

but are we rly surprised?

dude HATES giyuu

you spend a lot of time with the hashira

and you've become good friends with them so you're always around when the hashira are all together

they all adore u

you're sweet, funny, outgoing, confident

basically everything that giyuu isn't lollll

you brought snacks from ur teashop to one of the lil hashira hangouts

and you couldn't help but notice sanemi absolutely stuffing his face full of the ohagi that you brought

but who can blame him?

he might not like you but he never said you were a bad cook

and ohagi is his favorite

a couple days after the lil hangout

sanemi gets back to his estate after a mission and finds a cute lil basket adorned with a bow sitting on his doorstep

he picks it up and looks inside and its full of ohagi

after he goes inside and devours the whole basket

he finds a note at the bottom saying "enjoy <3" signed with your name

thats it right there.

the way to this mans heart is thru his stomach fr

now

when yall are dating dating

you keep it quiet

none of the other hashira know

and giyuu CERTAINLY doesn't know

until one day you're working at your tea shop and sanemi walks in to pick up the lunch that you made him

now me personally... id turn into a professional cook for this man

5 COURSE MEAL FOR EVERY MEAL

anyways

its not a busy day at the shop so he walks into the kitchen to find you cooking

and this man is HANDSY

so ofc he grabs you by your waist and pulls u into him

and starts feeling you up good lord please i want this so bad

you hear the faint 'ding!' of the bell above the front door

but pay it no mind assuming its a customer

and then the kitchen door opens

and everyone freezes

cause standing in the doorway is your older brother

thats the most expressive face sanemi has ever seen on giyuu

dudes eyes are wide as saucers

mouth wide open

shook af

like "dawg don't you hate me and everyone that associates with me?"

like "you have basically cursed my entire bloodline"

"you told me to off myself because im me"

and sanemi is just "i hate you not you're sister"

and goes back to feeling u up totally ignoring giyuu's presence

giyuu basically just moonwalks back out the door

and pretends he never saw any of that

lol i love them XD

SHINOBU

now shinobu liked you from the second she met you

she went to giyuu's estate to get him for a mission

and walks in to find you teasing and mocking tf outta ur older brother lmao

ofc she joins in

throwing in some teasing remarks of her own

poor giyuu lol

she is a frequent visitor to your tea shop

cause instead of making medicinal teas herself, now she can just get you to do it

plus she gets to see her favorite girlllll

now

the way giyuu finds out is too funny

you are in the infirmary at the butterfly mansion

dw ur not injured or sick or anything!!

now...

you're sitting on the bed waiting for shinobu

when giyuu walks in

and he's like "wtf are u doing here"

you're explain your business to ur brother when shinobu walks in looking down at a needle saying

"alright i have your birth control shot! not like you need it... i can't get u pregnant"

she looks up when she hears a 'smack'

and there you are with ur hand slapped to your forehead and a bright red face

giyuu just looks between you and shinobu with a blank face

before he passes clean out

dude hits the floor hard lmao

when he wakes up you give him an explanation

and then u and shinobu tease him for passing out

lol dude can't catch a break

[callooopie]

The night, she calls me.. // Vampire!HOTD men

Come with me to the other side. Make the girl in black your bride — The Night // Aurelio Voltaire

It took all my willpower to not make this like a What We Do in the Shadows bit. No one asked for this either.. so that’s why I’m writing it. Is this gonna be a series of headcannons? No… no. No no… no no nono. I’ve started tooooo many writing projects I cannot… or can I 😏 (I actually can’t I have too many requests I need to lock in on)

Did you know what land you were walking on? Did you see the figure watching you from the top floor window? Was that a shadow you saw out the corner of your eye?

Davos Blackwood // Bloody Lord of Raventree Hall

A manor buried in the dark forests of Blackwood Vale, an urban legend surrounded the woods and the semi-ghost town beside it. Locals would talk of a figure that walked the empty streets at night, and the older residents would sometimes speak of an old estate once owned by a wealthy family that could be found in the heart of the forest. But no one has seen this place, or perhaps no one has ever returned alive to tell the tale.

The ever playful lord of Raventree Hall likes toying with his victims before they meet their bloody demise. If a fool ever gets lost on his land, Davos will follow them around in the form of a raven, acting as if he was leading them to the help they desperately called out for. Some would fall for it; the ‘guiding’ corvid that had brought them to this dusty manor. Little did they know, they wouldn’t be leaving that place.

He’s the type to make Raventree Hall look appealing and safe to the unwitting person, sometimes even playing the part of a humble boy who lives in his family’s old home. He’d learn all about a person as he feeds them food, bloody meat cooked to perfection for any human. Eat up, Davos would say, it’s a good cut of meat.. he’d hate for it to go to waste. Oh? The red wine tastes metallic? Strange.. perhaps a bottle gone bad?

He’d keep his lover human, not out of admiration of their humanity—but as more of a ‘pet’. The only reason Davos would turn a human into a vampire would be for his own entertainment purposes. It’s more fun when you can handle him and not pass out every time he does something. Plus, he wants the security of knowing you won’t be leaving him anytime soon. Forever stuck by his side, living forever in a world of night and pleasure by his doing and his doing alone.

Before you become his lovely lady, perhaps you’re one of those lost souls who stumble upon the estate. Either by poor luck or poorer fortunes, you catch the attention of Davos. He scares you from the shadows, setting candles alight with just a gust of wind, slamming doors and sending phantasms to spook you with howls and haunting steps, sending ravens and crows to caw and peck at you. It’s only when you get to the main atrium of the manor does he strike. A sinister smile on his pale face as he lunges at you from out of nowhere, teeth sinking into the skin of your neck as hands travel up and down your torso.

A master of shadows and tricks, Davos isn’t one to meet his adversaries head on. He doesn’t think they deserve his attention. He can deal with vampire hunters and celebrity ghost hunters with a wave of his hand from his bed chambers at the very top of the manor. He can make it as if ghouls are chasing around those idiots, birds seemingly attacking them on sight, if he’s feeling funny he might summon a demon or two. Why does he have the title of bloody lord? Well, he’s just a messy eater, and the corpses he leaves behind are unrecognizable from what they once were.

Jacaerys Velaryon // Draconic Prince of the Night

The picturesque village that the castle of Dragonstone sits next to has gained a plethora of tourists. However, no one has ever been allowed inside. From a mixture of local superstition, and simply because the wooden gates and doors will not open. Nothing can break, or even burn, the wood. Cursed or blessed, many have stayed away from that castle said to have been forged by dragon fire.. if local legends are to be believed.

Local legends also speak of how beautiful women are kidnapped from their homes and beds, never to be seen ever again. As a tourist, you believe you’re safe.. and you don’t really believe in those tales.. at least you don’t believe them until you awaken in a bed that’s not the hostel’s.

Jacaerys is a vampire who is easily bored. He wants someone who’ll keep up with him. A pretty princess to take care of and to simply sit like a doll, but also one who has a bit of wit and brain to them. Someone to go hunting with, or to fly around in the dead of night together. Someone to chase, someone to have intellectual conversation with.

A little more serious than a certain bloodthirsty lord, Jacaerys will turn his lover almost immediately. What’s the use in keeping you human and mortal? There is no use! Now you’re just like him, and you two can bond and be merry together in that lonesome stone castle. All the others he had spirited away were awfully dull, perhaps you will be different?

Like a dragon, he hoards his treasures. He’ll keep you close, too close almost. Jacaerys will hand feed you blood, lifting someone’s arm up to your mouth and praising you for dining on the thick liquid and flesh. He’ll hover near you, you two are royalty after all. It’s good for a prince like him to check up on his princess. He’ll dress you in gold and red fabrics, or maybe nothing at all! Jacaerys does like it when you’re only clad in gold and gems, sit yourself down on his mountains of treasure and make your nest; he’ll show he’s a good dragon who takes care of his mate.

A scholar of dragon magic, the only thing that can destroy his castle is what made it in the first place. Dragon fire. And dragons died out long long ago sweet thing (or never existed at all…). He’s perhaps the only one that remains! Believe whatever you will, Jacaerys will happily prove to you that dragons are real. And you believe it as you watch him transform into one to deal with trespassers who had somehow broken into the castle. Sure there’s ways in if your crafty enough, but what people don’t say is that there’s no way out once you’re in. The charred piles of bones that litter the treasure room are a testament to that.

Cregan Stark // Vampiric King in the North

Perhaps the only one out of the trio to be semi-normal. An urban legend surrounds the snowy mountains of a large wolf that leads lost wanderers to an empty yet warm and alive stone keep. It’s said if you stay for one night and leave the next day, you’ll find your way back to civilization. However, overstay your welcome and you won’t be heard from ever again…

Your car had broke down, and you hadn’t expected such a large snowstorm to sweep through. You’re on the brink of hypothermia, however you spot something in the distance. The howl of a wolf reaching your ears as the wild beast walks toward you. It almost seems to gesture toward you with its head, beckoning for you to follow. You’ve heard this legend, and so when you find yourself in the safety and warmth of a stone fortress you do your best to remain courteous and respectful. The plan was to leave in the morning, however when you try to open the large wooden door to leave—it slams shut on you before locking tightly.

Cregan likes your humanity, wishing only to learn from you. He would not covet you like a prize, nor would he treat you like a pet. To turn you without your consent? Unfathomable. If you wish to be turned, he would gladly do so at your request. Although he would tell you what you’ll miss, what you will be letting go of in exchange for this eternal life of coldness and blood. Perhaps it’ll all be worth it in the face of his love and companionship?

Teach him everything about you, and he’ll teach you all he knows. Cregan’s an old soul who’s lived more lifetimes than he can remember. He’s powerful, ancient; that uppity prince and cocky lord answer to him! He’s their overlord, they are his mere sons subordinates. All that aside, Cregan has vast collections of knowledge from throughout the ages. Although do remember, he scratches your back, and you will scratch his. Or he’ll show you what happens to those who’ve forgotten such an important lesson.

Unlike his underlings, Cregan can control his appetite for blood. He’s learned, and so he keeps a stockpile of it. Some of it ages like wine in a cellar, other bottles he keeps near and close. A special cabinet is reserved for special blood of course. What? You’ve never tried the blood of a priest? It’s heavenly.

Unlike the other two, Cregan lives more on red meats. Which he can get from almost anything. Although due to the coldness of the region, not many animals venture out. For a special occasion, you’ll find your plate full of fresh organs and fatty raw meat. A glass of thick red liquid right next to your plate. Cheers and eat your fill, it’s fresher than fresh. And who knows when an unsuspecting person will come up these mountains again?

[hunn1e-bunn1e]

Sebastian & Co. - Riddle Rosehearts Reader

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I changed it up a bit Anon, and made you Ciel's long lost cousin twice removed and a lord instead of an earl, pre overblot riddle, beheading is literal. But your butler is still Trey and your staff is still the rest of the Heartslabyul cast like we discussed before. Sorry for not posting at an earlier time, my seasonal allergies turned into a very bad cold. —Benny🐰

Warnings -> Passing mentions of decapitation...

                                                                                                   

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🐈‍⬛ Sebastian's first impression of you was... not great. When he opened the front door to let you inside, you were in the midst of shouting at your butler about following rules and then you turned to him and said "It's about time!" So you were another cheeky brat like his master, it seems. The demon didn't mind you all that much though, he was used to dealing with children already.

🐈‍⬛ He was a bit shocked that you were Ciel's distant cousin, but then again your soul was just slightly similar to that of his master. While you and his young master conversed about your childhoods, Sebastian listened in from where he stood off to the side. All he could really offer your situation sympathy-wise was a short muttered "Oh."

🐈‍⬛ Upon your arrival you had brought a few members of your staff with you, which Sebastian thought of as strange since you came here to see his young master only. But he figured that you must have wanted to introduce them to your cousin. Or... to give them an example of how to do their jobs properly, from what the demon butler saw, they were just as incompetent as the Phantomhive Manor's own staff. Ugh. Such misfortune.

🐈‍⬛ Sebastian did however meet your own butler who went by the name of Trey Clover. He was quite impressed with his performance considering he was a human. Though later in the visit you had sent Trey to assist him with dessert, something about "Trey, go make me a tart.". And dear me did Sebastian find out your butler can make a good ass tart.

🎩 Ciel was quite shocked to find that he had any family left after Madam Red's unfortunate passing. You looked a bit similar to his aunt as well, but you quickly clarified that you were his distant cousin twice removed. The young earl was definitely taken aback at your intense dedication to the rules your mother raised you with. Ciel was even more shocked that you hold your staff to the same rules and behead those who disobey.

🎩 Truth be told he finds you quite childish and audacious, such rules are utterly ridiculous, and he tells you so. Fortunately, you can't bring yourself to behead Ciel and the two of you delve into a long talk about your differing childhoods. He learned of your mother and what she put you through, but he can't help but be envious that you still have your parent, even if they aren't the best. Ciel doesn't tell you that though.

🧹 Poor Mey'rin is terrified of you! She was moving a stack of expensive china plates from the storage room to the kitchen and as she walked through the tea room, past you and the young master, she tripped! The plates sailed to the ground and broke on impact. As Mey'rin turned to apologize, she was met with a very angry you, shouting about how she should be beheaded for her mistake.

🧹 Thankfully one of your staff, Ace, made up some excuse that calmed you down and helped her up. Mey'rin instantly fell in love, he was such a 'kind gentleman'. How he looked in her eyes with that boyish smirk and said, "Let's get outta here.", she couldn't hold herself together and sprinted out of the room in embarrassment.

🧯 Bardroy is peak annoyed with you, he already has the young master, he doesn't need another spoiled child to deal with. He was 'cooking' in the kitchen, right, trying to make something for the esteemed guest. So he did the usual, light a stick of dynamite and toss it in the oven, right? Then the oven exploded and Bardroy could hear your shouting all the way from the game room.

🧯 You ended up sending in one of your staff to check out what happened in the kitchen and that's how he met Deuce. Bardroy thought he was a pretty nice kid even if he too had no idea how to cook without being destructive either. He also found the interest in pots to be weird. "Let's just use a pot!" "Eh!? Steak in a pot?"

🪴 You scare Finny sometimes, yes, but he knows that deep down you're probably really nice. While both you and the young master were sitting in the garden having tea, he accidentally let a hedgehog loose. However, his suspicions were proved right when he noticed that you had picked up the hedgehog and sat it on your lap, petting it as if it were a cat.

🪴 A member of your staff named Cater had literally bumped into him while he was walking past the newly installed rose hedges. He and Finnian got along swimmingly as they spoke about their shared interests with one another. He also found that Cater really enjoyed taking photographs in his free time.

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Wanna see similar content? Check out my Masterlist!

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Reblogs are appreciated ~ 𔓘

[helenvader]

I am not that thrilled about the football plot of Unseen Academicals, but there are so many gems in the book. Here we have Lord Veterinary 🤣 who did his homework on the subject at hand so well that it makes everybody speechless (no news), and the last part is just... glorious.

--

At which point someone tried to slap Vetinari on the back. It happened with remarkable speed and ended possibly even faster than it began, with Vetinari still seated in his chair with his beer mug in one hand and the man’s wrist gripped tightly at head height. He let go and said, ‘Can I help you, sir?’

‘You’re that Lord Veterinary, ain’t ya? I seed you on them postage stamps.’

Ridcully glanced up. Some of Lord Vetinari’s clerks were briskly heading towards them, along with some of the slurred speaker’s friends, who could be defined at this point as people who were slightly more sober than he was and right now were sobering up very, very fast, because when you have just slapped a tyrant on the back you need all the friends you can get. Vetinari nodded at his gentlemen, who evaporated back into the crowd, and then he snapped his fingers at one of the waiters.

‘A chair here, please, for my new friend.’

‘Are you sure?’ said Ridcully, as a chair was pushed under the man who, by happy coincidence, was falling backwards in any case.

‘I mean,’ said the man, ‘everary one saysh you’re a bit of a wnacker, but I saysh you’re awright over thish football fing. ’Sno future in jus’ shlogging away. I should know, I got kicked inna head quite a few times.’

‘Really?’ said Lord Vetinari.

‘And what is your name?’

‘Swithin, shir,’ said the man.

‘Any other name, by any chance?’ said Vetinari.

‘Dustworthy,’ he said. He raised a finger in a kind of salute. ‘Captain, the Cockbill Boars.’

‘Ah, you aren’t having a good season,’ said Vetinari. ‘You need fresh blood in the squad, especially since Jimmy Wilkins got put into the Tanty after eating someone’s nose. Naphill walked all over you because you lost your backbone when both of the Pinchpenny brothers were taken to the Lady Sybil, and you’ve been stuck down in the mud for three seasons. Okay, everyone says that Harry Capstick is making a very good showing since you bought him from Treacle Mine Tuesday for two crates of Winkle’s Old Peculiar and a sack of pork scratchings, which is not bad for a man with a wooden leg, but there’s never anyone in support.’

A circle of silence spread outwards from Vetinari and the swaying Swithin. Ridcully’s mouth had dropped open and Henry’s brandy glass remained half empty, an unusual occurrence for a glass that’s been in the hands of a wizard for more than fifteen seconds.

‘Also, I’m hearing that your pies are leaving a lot to be desired, such as dead, cooked, organic content,’ continued Vetinari. ‘Can’t get the Shove behind you when the pies are seen to walk about.’

‘My ladsh,’ said Swithin, ‘are the besht there ish. It’sh not their fault they’re up againsht better people. They never getsh a chance to play shomeone they can beat. They alwaysh gives it one hundred and twenty pershent and you can’t give more than that. Anyhow, how come you know all this shtuff ? It’s not like we’re big in the league.’

‘Oh, I take an interest,’ said Vetinari. ‘I believe that football is a lot like life.’

‘There ish that, shir, there ish that. You does your besht and then shomeone kicksh you inna fork.’

‘Then I strongly advise you to take an interest in our new football,’ said Vetinari, ‘which will be about speed, skill and thinking.’

‘Oh, yeah, right, I can do all them,’ said Swithin, at which point he fell off his chair.

‘Does this poor man have any friends here?’ said Vetinari, turning to the crowd.

There was some diffidence among them concerning whether or not it was a good idea to be friends with Swithin at this point.

Vetinari raised his voice: ‘I would just like a couple of people to take him back to his home. I would like them to put him to bed and see that no trouble comes to him. Perhaps they ought to stay with him until morning too, because he just might try to commit suicide when he wakes up.’

[dilatorywriting]

Congratulations on 4K!!!! Here's to many more who discover and fall in love with your incredible prose 🍻

I'd like to request:

86. “We could be an epic novel of forbidden lovers, like Romeo and Juliet without the ending.”

With Prince Stefan (surprise, surprise) if the mood strikes you lmao

Thank you so much for sharing your work with us, and for doing this little event!! Can't wait to see what you've cooked up next weekend 👀

Gender Neutral Reader x Prince Stefan (Twst OC) Word Count: 1.1k

Prompt 86: "We could be an epic novel of forbidden lovers, like Romeo and Juliet without the ending."

[EVENT MASTERLIST]

You’d always joked that Stefan was basically like some fairytale prince come to life. The sweetness that never seemed forced, the genuine kindness and care with which he treated all things. His regal bearing, the fact that he rode a grand, impressive stallion with ease, and—who could forget?—the literal crimson cape hanging over his shoulders like a king of old. The face thing helped too. All sculpted planes of rugged handsome that made you feel like you’d wandered out of a garbage can in a back alleyway in comparison.

But somehow, even then, you hadn’t expected him to be an actual, factual prince. Which was honestly really fucking stupid, all things considered. Seeing as half of your friends at Night Raven had royalty in their blood in some way or other. ‘Prince’ and ‘Lord’ were nearly as common as ‘Mister’ over there. And certainly Royal Sword Academy was meant to be doomed by the same logic as its rival.

“So you’ll be ruling a kingdom someday?” you asked. “Like, crown, and scepter, and ‘my word is law, peasants’ ruling?”

“I guess,” Stefan shrugged, brown bangs flopping shaggily over his eyes. “Though I like to think I won’t be that bad,” he added on a huff that was nearly a pout.

You waved him off. “Sure, sure. You’ll be the one person in history completely untouched by the temptations and corruption of power. But like, an actual prince?”

Another huff, though this one sounded far more amused. The brunette leaned forward to try and snare an arm around your waist and pull you back against his chest. You’d been sitting cuddled up beneath a lovely willow tree, reading in the afternoon sun, when the revelation had hit. And the poor guy looked like he’d sacrifice life and limb to slip back into that cozy silence. But no way were you letting this drop. You wriggled away like a particularly determined worm and settled opposite him criss-cross-applesauce. Hands on your knees and stars in your eyes.

“Do you get access to the dungeons? And cool stuff like that?”

He snorted a laugh into his palm.

“Why do you want to know about the dungeons?”

You shrugged. But honestly, most of your friends at NRC were probably headed for the gulags or worse. It’d be nice to know you had someone on the inside, whenever you inevitably needed to break one of them out. (Floyd was looking like a strong bet. Though he could probably manage to slither out of any jailcell he found himself in all on his own)

“It’d be fun, s’all.”

“Fun,” he chuckled, shaking his head in bemusement. “Alright. But yes. I do have access to all the records of imprisonment and things like that. Not that I go down to those places if I can help it.”

“Of course, of course,” you nodded, filing that information away into the back of your brain for a later date. “Can you declare war? Like, whenever you want?”

Another laugh.

“Wars and dungeons?” he asked, and narrowed his hazel eyes in faux suspicion. “What are you planning?”

“Nothing.”

“Sure,” he hummed, and ducked forward to try and snatch you up again. You rolled onto your back outright and through the grass—coming to a stop at the roots of the grand tree.

“And what about the rest of the royal stuff?” you continued. “Surely you must be engaged then, right? To another prince or princess out there?”

The pleasant gleam in his eyes dimmed, and you watched his gaze dart away. Heavy and uncomfortable. Which—

Oh.

He… he totally was, wasn’t he?

Something twisted in your gut—sour and sharp. And you regretted ever asking in the first place. Because of course someone as wonderful as Stefan was meant for someone else. And always had been. The dalliance with a little mortal from another world was just that—something fun, and easy, and destined to end by the summer. You swallowed past the building lump in your throat and decided that maybe this hadn’t been a great topic to push after all. You looked back up, ready to crawl back into his lap and ever so tactfully immediately change the subject, when Stefan met your low gaze with fire in his eyes. He reached out and clasped your hands tightly in his.

“I’m going to marry who I want,” he declared, firm, and loud enough it had your ears ringing. He gentled the volume a bit before continuing. “That stuff’s all ancient protocol, anyways. Time to move on, y’know? Modernize.”

“Modernize,” you parroted, feeling a bit thrown by his sudden ferocity.

“And if my father gets upset…” he mumbled, brow pinching in the middle. “Well, we can just run away then. Live in a cottage in the forest. Or, well, something like that.”

“We?” you gaped. Because holy hell. It was one thing for there maybe to be some subtle implications thrown around. But that wasn’t—that was pretty—ah—

“We,” he smiled, warm as mulled wine. And at your wide-eyed, overwhelmed expression, he eased that grin back into something lighter. More teasing. “What do you think? We could be like the forbidden lovers in all those stories!” he crooned, waving his arm through the air like he was at the start of telling some grand tale in a tavern. “An epic novel of our own creation! Like Romeo and Juliet!”

That jolted you out of whatever ‘ohmygod, ohmygod’ spiral had taken over your brain. “Really? Romeo and Juliet?”

“Well,” he grinned, sheepish. “Without the ending, I hope.”

“There are so many better love stories without the suicide pact!” you complained. “Pride and Prejudice. Midsummer’s Night Dream. The Princess Bride. Fucking, Scott Pilgrim even—”

“Okay, okay!” he laughed, holding up his hands in surrender. “I get it! No more literary metaphors from me.”

Stefan leaned back against the tree, looking loose limbed and comfortable. And this time, when he opened his arms to you with a little eyebrow waggle, you sighed and curled up tight into the little, personal nook he was offering.

“But it does have it’s appeal, doesn’t it?” he mumbled into your hair. Sounding a bit far away. “Just running away together. No more responsibilities, no expectations…” he trailed off, eyelids drooping. “It’d be nice.”

You sat in silence for a moment, letting the sun play across your laps and his fingers twine through yours. And then—

“Anastasia.”

“Hmm?” he mused, lifting his head from your shoulder.

“We can be like Anastasia,” you said, fighting the heat rising along your cheeks and towards the tips of your ears. But you were pretty sure he could feel it, with how close he was tucked up against your side. “Not a perfect ending, but a perfect beginning,” you quoted, feeling a bit silly.

But Stefan just smiled against your shoulder with a contented little sigh.

“A perfect beginning, huh?” he repeated, sounding far, far too warm. “That sounds about right.”

.

.

[secondratefiction]

Hi there! Hope you’re doing well! Kicking that funeral services degree’s ass with any luck!! I was wondering if you would be up to writing a drabble for Jason or Tim (whoever you think fits the scenario best) as the boyfriend of a law student. Maybe where they’re living together and she’s just barely getting 3-5 hours of sleep a night while trying to study for finals, writing a full legal brief, practicing for oral arguments, getting ready for her summer associateship, and applying for moot court and law review. (Is this based on some poor law student’s real life? We may never know!) And just like her needing someone to be there and take care of her, but also her wanting to take care of him too even though she is very much Trying Her Best to Survive™? (Btw thank you so much for blessing us with batfam content galore, absolute ICON <3 )

Oh good lord… bless you and this ‘hypothetical’ poor law student. I know my degree is kicking my ass all across the state and back, so I can only imagine… They keep telling me the degrees are worth it… we’ll ride it out and see. Good vides, and better times love 💜

—

Now I fully believe that Timmy would be wonderful at this in his own right… but every single thing about this request violently screams Jason Todd to me…

There are only so many hours and so many spoons in a day, and unfortunately a law degree takes up almost every single ounce of both of them

However, Jason has this innately ingrained need to take care of the people that matter to him, so this is exactly where he shines

He was always Alfred’s best protege, so the man cooks and cleans house like a pro. Not only that, but it’s something that he genuinely enjoys because they are simple and repetitive tasks that let zone out and go through the motions to decompress from his ‘other job’.

While he’s happy to take care of all of that and leave you to focus on the proverbial, ever-growing mountain of work you have - He’s not above making you stop to take a break.

It is not an uncommon occurrence for this man to literally close your laptop, throw you over his shoulder*, and haul you out to the kitchen table to sit down and have a meal with him.

((*I do not care what size you are, or what hang ups you might have about your weight, if this man can hold up a collapsing ceiling, he can carry you across y’alls apartment))

“Ok, I have physically seen you putting food and water into your body, you can go back to your cave now.”

This happens at least 2-3 times a week

He is concerned. Just humor him and let him love you.

Jason is 100% the type to be actively learning from anything you tell him

Some nights, when the insomnia and the nightmares decide to double team him, he’ll even sit up browsing through your textbooks just to try and understand everything you're doing more.

Tim get’s labeled the nerd of the family a lot, but really Jason would have been the family scholar if he’d had the chance

The second bedroom in your apartment is both your office and his library. That shit is floor to ceiling.

With that in mind he is always more than happy to be a sounding board when you need him to. Listen to what you’ve got, argue the other side if necessary

Dear god, just know what you’re getting into there… he lives for that kind of stuff, and he will come prepared. This is one of his all time favorite games, that comes second only to aggravating the living shit out of you (which, if he’s lucky, will be a bonus here)

95% of the time, Jason has got this, got you - focus on your school babe, I’ll take care of it… but that 5%? That bit where he’s not actually infallible? He so very desperately doesn’t want you to see that.

What you’re doing is important, and he doesn’t want the fact he had a rough night to be a distraction for you. This is where you enter a bit of a balancing act…

As much as you may want to put everything aside and take care of him, that is the fastest way to make him shut down.

Instead, grab a textbook and a highlighter. Go ‘make yourself some tea’ and pour him a mug too. Set everything up in the living room and drag him onto the couch with you.

Put his head in your lap, and just run your fingers through his hair while you do some reading.

Bonus points if you put a blanket over him

Poor baby is gonna melt in an instant and be out cold before you know it. Just keep playing with his hair and let him sleep.

And do not mention it if he is emotional when he wakes up… he’s never going to be good/get used to receiving love and affection. Do it anyway, and don’t make a big deal about it.

[circeius-invidioso]

👏🏻 Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay.👏🏻

Those 4 Liber books. Which ones you may ask.

These ones.

Now that we are all in the same page.

✨️Let's talk about them.✨️

Not good enough to be collected.

Not bad enough to be forgotten.

And not forget them we shall.

The tall and short of the story:

They are expansion packs to the main tabletop rpg game. And you guessed correctly it add daemons etc etc.

That etc etc is.

Liber Ecstatica : Slaanesh and horny on main cults.

Liber Infectus : Nurgle and dirty plagues.

Liber Mutatis : Tzeentch and birdy mutations.

Liber Carnagia : Khorne and angy serial killers. (No the spelling error was on purpose. Cause our boy real angy)

+ an adventure on theme with the above.

A solid 3/ 10.

Unless you are a writer and need basic descriptions of daemons and fluff then its a decent 3.5/ 10.

Now.

Now that we dealt with that.

Its time.

For the tall and longer.

And in depth analysis and my personal ice cold takes and my thesis of - this would have been lit if we played the villains pov.

I could be talking about the latest books, hell I could be talking about dnd. But no me and you we are here and we are stuck and for the next 5 minutes I am the captain and I will take you on an adventure.

🐙Liber Mutatis - feat Dj BoBo and the Mutants are Alive🐙

Nothing gets me more going than referances that weren't funny even in 2007.

What the book adds to gameplay?

Mutations. From bird beaks to tentacle limbs in case you decide to multipraise Slaanesh on the side.

Because you aren't just a chicken worshipper, you are a wizard and what best way to show it that gaining an additional 30 eyeballs for all those books you want to read.

This book is your one stop to fond some very basic mutations to add to a game.

And when I say basic. I mean basic, don't expect great stuff. But I guess this might have been part of the plan...

What's the included adventure like?

You team goes in a town to find why all those apprentices have been taking such a long unauthorized day off.

Well they were kidnapped by a cult with a ringleader being a shop keeper with a Lord of Change tranformed as a parrot named Bobo that births pink eggs.

Then they feed those pink eggs to create mutant bird people.

Your job is to stop it. Not the most original ideal... but what would it be if you played the adventure from the cultists pov?

Dj Bobo and his gang of squidmen

You heard the adventure of the heroes. But how would it be if you were the bad guy?

🐙 One player would pretend to be the shopkeeper with his pet parrot that births oversized pink eggs and you have to smuggle them and hide the fact from the people who came to stop you in the city.

🐙 The second will be the immortal nun with only her face intact in the soup house cooking for the poor and using the eggs to create mutant by trying to convince the people that those pink eggs are totally edible what do you mean eggs are not pink. Maybe you are seeing things...

🐙 The third one is squidward at the gates. Basically a war veteran that lost his legs. But jokes on them. The big bird man gave you tentacles and you will be wizzing throught the sewers like a getski.

🐙 The fourth will be the person kidnapping those student wizard kids, bagging them up and send them to the ritual site alongside your grizzled unshaven gang of pain assistants.

🐙 Finally someone can even take the role of the bird. Blasting eggs before the time of the summoning happens when they will be blasting magic and turning the whole city into a lethal rave.

🪲Liber Infectus- Grandaddy Nurgle's Black Death Clown Parade🪲

If only I was joking... stick around and find out more...

What the book adds to gameplay?

A wide selection of how you and your players can seriously get down with the sickness.

Besides that all the basic nasty descriptions about the warps most unwashed denizens. Basic. But we all start from somewhere, like how a rash develops into a mouth and eats the person living next door.

What's the included adventure like?

Evil doctor spreads a plague you are there to stop it etc etc. You can see where this goes from the words "initial symptom development".

Those sick clowns I mentioned

On the final part of the adventure a clown parade, with music and performers and everything. Pops in town and is ready to kick pc ass.

And the only thing I got to say is.

Why can't I play their pov.

The idea of five sick honk honk clowns in a cart playing music and spreading the literal word on nurgle with a mutant strapped on the back. Sounds like a wild adventure.

It sounds a lot more enjoyable than sitting around asking people "so when did the first symptom begin and how are you feeling?"

Give me the clowns. With their dancing plague and their bouncing nurglings on a wacky adventure to evade the law.

Fast and furiously popping knees and bursting shins.

⚘️Liber Carnagia- Renaming Khorne into Gandhi ⚘️

Again. Wait and I will explain this as well.

What the book adds to gameplay?

Nothing. Of value. Is it obvious that this one was my least favorite?

Whats the included adventure like?

Theres a magical angy spear and your job is to be beaten down and not kill anyone. Just sit with your thumb-tacks up your ass and do nothing.

That's what the adventure is.

In the book of Khorne what you are asked to do is not fight anyone.

The irony is so deep, I screamed that's deep bro and a lovecraftian horror responded from the chasm "I know".

Putting the K of Killer back into Khorne

A murder hobo adventure. That's it. It's a lot better than going to a besieged nun house and sitting on the grass asking those raiders to pretty please let go of the hostages.

Chaos, mayhem. If I was the dm I'd put everyone in a nonr stop 4 hour rollercoaster of blood, guts, bullets and norwegian death metal music playing in the background before they all die gloriously into a massive raid burning imperial churches.

Then go to hell, become daemons and be yeeted back into the mortal world to kick even more ass.

🪷Liber Ecstatica- And the Dick Measuring Olympics 🪷

The title will again make sense soon I swear.

What the book adds to gameplay?

Cults, anything you need to know about a basic degenerate cult. From poison chuggers to vape huffers and even vegetable shovers.

This is your one stop to make a bare bones cult for your games.

What's the included adventure like?

A girl is being chased after many eligible bachelors of the city.

And your job is to stop them from doing so.

How did this adventure start?

A rich old dude didn't like that an "average" in his eyes poor, low noble had admirers. So obviously its witchcraft.

The reason is as sound as an airplane made of shredded cheese. And the book is weidly mean about it.

Like the girl is fine. But everyone is like "she is not a busty noble that cries gold so obviously theres foul play, also have I told you that she is average".

Oh the crimes against humanity. If the adventure began and the noble was like "yeah my son flayed himself while screaming her name" then sure. I'd be calling foul play.

Busting a Nut not Busting a Move

The same but instead of having 10 men fighting over a decent, everyday girl its Danny Devito art critic and the whole team tries to complete the ritual and avoiding the witch hunters from burning their "beauty".

We are already dealing with a daemon that has magically roofied the local men in order to be freed from a magical mirror. We might as well make it into a comedy skit.

This is a game about the ultimate degenerates, extreme is the only word we must know. And you know what would be even better.

All of the players are grade A spandex bdsm supermodels and have to promote gollum as a drop dead nuke level bombshell.

[f10werfae]

My own Milf

pairing: Tom Holland x Older!Girlfriend!Reader

summary: Fans retell the best moments of what they see from tom holland and Y/n’s spicy relationship (Tom is 26, Reader is 31) (Requested by Anon)

Likes, comments and reblogs are appreciated🫶

Tom Masterlist, Full Masterlist

@/bornintheflesh: Tom finally posted a pic of him and his new girlfriend, and she is so hot. What a milf. I really don’t care if she’s 31, they make such a sexy couple wtf, did y’all not see the photo of them at the beach. TOM IS ENJOYING HER BLUE BIKINI A BIT TOO MUCH, his hands are gripping onto her ass for dear life😭😭

@/osterfieldlol: Harrison said on his story that he introduced Y/n and Tom, and that the first time Tom saw Y/n he said to Harrison “I’ve got to get her number mate” So he likes to think they’re the reason they got together

-

@/Marvelgyal101: Why are you guys hating on their age gap? Just cause it ain’t you. They’re such a beautiful couple and they both treat each other so well, that video of them both feeding each other at Tom’s family barbecue was everything!🫶

>> @/loserlovers: So true! I’ve seen some people call her a gold digger, but don’t they know she’s literally one of the only women representing her field?! Lord have mercy these people are dumb. Anyways Stan Y/n L/n, she’s a gorgeous independent woman who wouldn’t even need Tom to sustain herself

-

@/spiderwickman: Can Tom just marry her already? They acting too cute to just be bf and gf, surely he’s already put a ring on her? That story Tom told where every morning Y/n gets a shower and he ends up joining her just to piss her off, THAT IS TOO MUCH FOR MY HEART TO HANDLE

>> @/Y/nL/n: PSA. The only reason it pisses me off is because he gets too handsy and then that leads to a two hour shower and then I get hungry. THEN I HAVE TO COOK BECAUSE HES TOO LAZY.

>>> @/TomHolland: Now come on love, you love my pancakes

-

@/bunnyrabbitexpress: Did anyone see Tom’s tattoo? It’s a tattoo of a dove on his shoulder, and he said it’s because it’s what he used to call Y/n when they first started officially dating😭 Don’t mind me just sleeping on the highway tonight😭

-

@/Y/nL/n: Can someone please tell @/TomHolland that i’m not talking to him until he returns all underwear to my closet, he’s such a pervert and now i’m left going commando 25/8. Or i’m stuck wearing his stinky boxers, 😪

>> @/TomHolland: Well i’m telling you, Y/n Holland, I prefer you without em, plus those lace things look terribly uncomfortable. So i’m doing you a favour, stick to the granny panties or go bare❤️

>>> @/liviaughholland: HE HAS TURNED INTO A SEXUAL BEAST, WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM😍😭😭 Lowkey lovin the PDA tho, so keep goin

-

@/Biggiraffe: Saw Y/n and Tom out in London walking Tessa, well actually, it was Y/n walking Tessa while Tom took videos of them from behind laughing and giggling as Tessa just trotted pulling Y/n along to her hearts desire.

-

@/princesstulip: My sister saw the Holland couple on the beach in Spain, she told me Tom was literally all over Y/n like a rash. Reapplying her sunscreen for her, refilling her drinks, kissing her body literally EVERYWHERE, puckering his lips for a kiss anytime she complimented his sand castle he built around her and adding a moat to “protect his queen”

-

@/lestalk: No one makes me happier than seeing fan girls get humbled. While Y/n and Tom arrived at the airport in New York, they were absolutely ambushed by fans and paps, to a point where Y/n was physically pushed over because someone had clearly deliberately tripped her. AND TOM WENT BALLISTIC, SHOUTING AT PEOPLE TO “Calm down and step away from me and my girlfriend please! We just want to get out of here” Poor Y/n I think had to be seen by a medic because she hurt her knee or something💔

-

@/TomHolland: Happy 32nd birthday to the love of my life, and my forever home, Y/n L/n (will be Holland soon I promise) Thank God I went to Harrison’s party and met you, because I seriously don’t know where i’d be without you. I love your gorgeous self, mind and spirit; that ass too but that’s for later ;).

Lots of love, your Tommy

-

@/butterlfycocooon: Y/N AND TOM ARE ENGAGED, SHE JUST POSTED A PHOTO OF THEM AND HER HOLDING HER HAND UP WITH A DIAMOND RING OMGOMGOMG. THANK GOD WE ONLY HAD TO WAIT A YEAR AND A HALF, IT WAS GETTING DESPERATE

-

@/britishteafluff: Y/n is glowing, I don’t know why or how, but she’s got a different kinda beauty going on right now and i’m in love, sorry Tom. That photo Tom posted of her in a sundress with his family has gotten me starstruck, the way she carries herself so elegantly! Also not Tom’s mom hugging Y/n and not her own son, rip Tom lol

-

@/DailyMagazine: Breaking News! Tom Holland and lover Y/n L/n seen shopping at baby aisle at the local Target, does this mean a new arrival is on the way? Y/n and Tom have been together for 2 years now, with her being 33 and him being 28, last year we saw the couple engaged by the Swiss Alps; now are we seeing another new Holland?! Not only that, fans are also gushing at the sight of Tom wrapping his arms around his stunning fiancée, the couple seen to be as in love as the day they revealed their relationship. Whatever the pictures mean, we wish the happy couple the best!

———

PSA: As some of you know because of Taglists getting too big for some of my writing, I am making a library blog where I will simply reblog all my writing and ONLY my writing. Everything I write will still be posted here! Instead of my taglist, you can now follow @f10werfaes-cosy-collection 🫶 You can turn on post notifs if you wish, and instead of receiving a tag, you will see i’ve reblogged my own writing onto my library blog! Hope that isn’t too confusing, if there’s any questions then let me know♥️

Taglist (Until my library blog is ready!):

@Kaydesssssssss @esposadomd @imahallucinationnn @elenavampire21 @stuckysgirl27 @cookielovesbook-akie @theekyliepage @thoughtsofreid @acornacre @fdl305 @alexxavicry @bookfrog242 @alina02 @aerangi @mischiefsemimanaged @nikkitc0703 @hallecarey1 @misshale21 @stormcloudss @uwiuwi @marvelgurl @tinyelfperson @vrittivsanghavi

[avelera]

Where the heck is Satan in Good Omens S2?

And could we perhaps find evidence of him in the places where the furniture used to be?

For reference:

Hastur & Ligur, 1.1: "All Hail Satan." "All Hail Satan."

Crowley, 1.5: "I never asked to be a demon. I was just minding my own business one day and then… oh, lookie here, it's Lucifer and the guys."

Adam Young 1.6: "You're not my dad and you never were."

Satan, 1.6: "No, no, no!" (He promptly dissolves into black ash and vanishes. Immediately after, Aziraphale and Crowley look at their no-longer-flaming sword and tire iron as if not entirely sure why they're there.)

Crowley, 2.1: "Do you ever think, what's the point? ... Heaven, Hell, Demons, Angels?"

Crowley 2.2 (circa ~2000 BCE): "Satan and his diabolical ministers..."

Gabriel 2.3: "I remember when the morning stars sang together and all the angels of god shouted for joy.” (emphasis mine. Lucifer/Satan was the Morning Star. Why the heck is morning stars plural??)

Edit: Shax 2.6: “I demand that you hand over both Gabriel and Beelzebub as gifts for Satan, our master.” (Could debunk the whole theory, might not only because she seems pretty low-ranked and could be going through the motions even though he's gone, but we'll see. Including to get all the evidence down.)

... And I think there's some other S2 references to higher ups and "Our Lord" by Shax supposedly, but I'm too sleep-deprived to go combing through for them (I'd be much obliged if anyone else could grab any other exact quotes that mention Satan by name or seem to refer to him in Season 2.)

Let's first get the Doylist explanation for why Satan might not be around out of the way: Satan was the Big Bad of Season 1. He's been dispatched. Furthermore, he's played by the most likely very expensive Benedict Cumberbatch, so he's not likely to be back in a hurry if it at all can be avoided, and alluding to him at all might just create confusion with viewers who will then expect to see Satan.

(Below the cut: but what if there's more to it than that?)

But as others may have seen with the, "Metatron is actively editing the Book of Life in S2 and that's why things are weird," meta, there's quite a bit of speculation going around that something fucky is going on in S2.

However, while I agree that some points in S2 are certainly fucky I'm not convinced on all or even most of the supporting evidence. Most of the explanations have a Doylist counterpoint like "It's just bad writing," or "They just wanted to bring back some actors they enjoyed working with," or, "The film crew just made a mistake," or "They just forgot that bit of continuity." After all, half of the original writing duo is tragically no longer with us, so there's going to be some level of story drift regardless.

While in general I find the, "It's not that deep," explanation more plausible in most instances, I'd be a very poor disgruntled English Major indeed if I made sweeping claims that the wallpaper being blue is always a coincidence. It's muddier with TV because there's so many proverbial cooks in the kitchen and plenty of human error to go around, but I'd equally never claim that I think Good Omens S2 wasn't a labor of love by those who worked on it, and certainly there's evidence that care was taken in its production, so everything that's off being a mistake is also not a sweeping generalization I'd want to make either.

Which is my way of saying that I'm not convinced by the Metatron meta but I think some of the ideas there are on to something. I don't think it's plausible that a writer would in S3 reveal that in S2, the heretofore largely off-screen character of the Metatron was actively editing the story as we went with the heretofore only mentioned once, never seen, and immediately denounced as a joke Book of Life. BUT, there is some fucky stuff happening that I won't say was the result of some Genius Mastermind Writer deciding it was a good idea to actively write badly and provide stories with no payoff, but I will consider that some of the apparent continuity errors might not be so accidental as they seem, because this was a labor of love and at least on this count, I don't think that Neil was necessarily that careless. Or at least, I'm more inclined to look for clues in places where I can see logistical choices being made, rather than in more subjective claims like "This bad writing is meant to be Bad Writing and therefore a Clue." Because writing is hard even under the best of circumstances, especially in TV and having lost the aforementioned half of a beloved writing duo.

Moving on! Thing is, if we're to believe that there's some sort of mystery hidden in plain sight that was introduced in Season 2, then it did not pay off yet. This makes me a little suspicious of the overall claims that there was a hidden Season 2 mystery, because a good mystery really should pay off within the text, and expecting the reader to keep their unsatisfied suspicions in their heads for 3-4 years for a later satisfying conclusion is... optimistic at best and downright sloppy at worst.

Unless, the mystery spans the entire show. If the clues we're seeing are meant to pay off in S3, and we assume some level of competence, then more likely these are series spanning mysteries that will be satisfying when one is able to watch all three installments. And that means, if there is a mystery in S2, we should be checking back with Season 1 to look for the roots of it.

Which is what brings me to Satan.

What on Earth happened to Satan?

Is Satan still around?

Now, my theory would be much more satisfying to me, personally, if Satan's name was never spoken in S2 but alas, there is the Book of Job episode and I believe some other mentions by name, mostly by Shax? I'd love some backup on that. But I very deliberately don't count demons just saying things like, "Our lord" or making vague referrals to the powers that be to be references to Satan because if he's vanished, someone could have easily filled the power vacuum or there could be an empty throne room somewhere and everyone is just going through the motions (or he's become the Sandman Lucifer who fucked off to lie on a beach, which would be delightful. Anyway).

When Hastur and Ligure showed up in 1.1 they specifically said, "All Hail Satan," and Crowley was shown to be an outsider that he did not return this familiar call-and-response. Yet no one in Hell in S2 uses the All Hail Satan greeting. The references to Satan are few, even in Hell. There doesn't seem to be a lot of fear of Satan either, but more around other higher-ups like Beelzebub, Duke of Hell, who appears to be the highest ranking person we see in Hell?

And also interestingly, Crowley and Beelzebub are both lamenting how pointless all of this seems. Kind of interesting for two individuals who still despise Heaven too and, presumably, took Satan's side once long ago when they all Fell. The political fire has definitely gone out of them, which can be plausibly attributed to the Apocalypse failing and/or the two of them falling in love with their Angelic counterparts, but it's also just kind of weird that suddenly they both really don't see the point in any of these conflicts that once defined their existence.

Perhaps, and this is where I go out on a limb or ten, because Satan isn't around anymore?

Is there no longer a hand at the wheel in Hell, reminding everyone of their loathing of Heaven?

Is there no longer someone actively above Beelzebub, telling them what to do, such that they have the freedom to sneak away and pursue a romance with an archangel and not have their boss show up to stop them the way Gabriel's did?

Did Adam, when he made Satan not his father but more importantly that Satan never was his father, undo more than we realize?

Because that's the kind of Gaiman mystery that I can wholly believe is lurking in plain sight, because Satan was a big deal in S1, he was the Big Bad! It's in the text! The damned book series is built on the idea of a satirical Antichrist take on The Omen. All Hail Satan is one of the first spoken lines of dialogue in the book. Satan is kind of central to any story that's going to revolve around a battle between Heaven and Hell!

And yet... he's barely mentioned this season. And demons suddenly don't remember what they're fighting for. How odd.

Maggie and Nina's actresses also played nuns of the Satanic Chattering Order of St. Beryl. If there was no Antichrist, isn't it possible that neither of those women would have become Satanic nuns and might, instead, own a coffee shop and a record store somewhere?

If there was no Antichrist, isn't it possible that through some convoluted series of events, Madame Tracy, a witch, fell afoul of a demon or managed to become one herself?

Isn't it possible that once you open the door to the ripple effects of a Satan who either never existed (though the Fall still happened) or who only existed up until at least Job, but who was never Adam's father, that some other fucky things could happen too, like Aziraphale suddenly not being fond of alcohol? This continuity detail is much more of a stretch but it is such a plot point in the book that Aziraphale loves to drink and S1 that I do find that particular continuity break particularly vexing and it's one I side-eye the most in terms of "not sure if sloppiness or a Clue".

Anyway, point is:

Satan is curiously absent this season and technically, he was unmade or at least unmade as Adam's father last season. If something is fucking with the timeline, I think that on-screen, very visible event deserves some scrutiny over and beyond vaguely alluded to, off-screen fuckery by the Metatron with no in-text confirmation at all.

There's a lot of weird and bad writing in S2, sure, but some of the continuity breaks do, admittedly, feel too big to be simple oversights and I don't think it's entirely conspiratorial to think something more might be going on and if such a mystery is going to span multiple seasons, we should look back to S1 for the seeds.

It is possible that the unmaking of Satan has had ripple effects that explain some of these continuity changes and some of the cheeky casting of S1 actors in new roles as perhaps not entirely without in-story justification.

So in my mind, the question I have no answer to, but that might deserve some scrutiny going into Season 3 is:

How much did Satan never being Adam's father alter the timeline?

Edit: And here's one last spooky quote to consider: “I remember when the morning stars sang together and all the angels of god shouted for joy." - Gabriel's weird prophecy / quoting of God

Why single out the reference to morning stars plural? Lucifer is very famously the Morning Star, you can't accidentally allude to morning stars in this context without referring to him, you just can't. So what the fuck is going on with this Biblically sourced quote that sort of alludes to Satan, but not by name, and makes the reference to the Morning Star plural?? And even though it is the original text, apparently, it's still a choice by the writers to really highlight the line about morning stars and give that line to Gabriel to say in the present too. Something is sus.

[matenrou-fan]

May I request Diavolo and Lucifer in a poly relationship with a female baker reader?

Diavolo x fem! baker! s/o x Lucifer

femreader, fluff, just wholesome stuff;;

-Ooh, poor Barbatos.. He has a competition now right here..

-Well, but can I really call it 'competition' if we all already know the winner? Of course it would be you. Because both your boyfriends are waiting for your baking more than for holidays.

-"Mm.. This pie that you made today, s/o.. It's absolutely fantastic!" - Diavolo laughs, with his casual loud tone. - "I haven't eaten something so sweet for centuries! And the dough is so soft it's like it's melting in my mouth.."

"Oh, Dia, stop it.." - You can't help but chuckle too, as it's really hard to stay calm and serious when the young Lord is smiling like that. - "You literally had a little tea party with Lucifer yesterday, aren't you? I'm sure Barbatos treated you two with no less yummy things.."

"Great considerable skill, even if it was developed and gone deeper through a hundred years, will never withstand a pure savour of real love.." - low chuckle escapes Lucifer's lips as he looks at you. - "It more feels not like the softness of the dough, but more like the softness of your caring heart, s/o.."

"What a great way to compliment, Lucifer!" - Diavolo gets surprised along with you, then titters shyly. - "Ahh, now I want to amuse s/o with my grateful words too.. Or maybe a kiss would be better to show my appreciation..?"

-It doesn't matter if baking is your job or just a hobby, your boyfriends would spoil you with presents to help you improve your skill and learn something new.

-And they both will choose everything themselves. For example, Lucifer can just ask (order?) Satan checks the library or bookstore for new recipe books for you, because his little brother knows these places inside out. Yet he prefers to go all alone, slowly exploring store shelves, flipping through different books. He will try to find something with only new interesting recipes, or with the things you say you wanted to bake..

-And Diavolo can just rely on his loyal servant's taste, as Barbatos is really good at finding high-quality spices and seasonings for his own cooking.. But your lover would go with his underling, to choose something himself, that he thinks would please your soul. Hm, aren't you talking about these expensive sprinkles a few days ago?

-Uh.. But there's so many magic items in Devildom, who knows what ended up in your arms this time?

-"Hm.. These strudels you made this time, darling. They're so much sugar.." - Diavolo mumbled, quickly draining his cup of tea. - "Even for me.. It's so sweet.."

"Was something in your mind when you baked it, s/o..?" - Lucifer also seems so unpleasant after a few bites, cause he had less sweet tooth than your other lover.

"I'm sorry.. Apparently, the baking soda I added this time had some magic effect.." - with blush on your cheeks, your gaze was fixed on a small package, too ashamed to look at your beloved demons.

"Mm? There's a small footnote.. If someone will use it for cooking for their lover, the level of sugar in the final product will increase depending on the strength of their love.." - Lucifer gets behind you and leans closer, reading over your shoulder.

For a moment you all froze.. How can you not notice this small note?! Yet then a prideful demon smirked, watching as your face got even more red:

"Oh.. how sweet of you, s/o.."

"I.. I have no choice but to savor every last bit of your love in that case, s/o.." - Diavolo nods as his cheeks also get redder, and he places another piece of strudel in his mouth with a more pleasant face.

"I also suddenly have an appetite for more.."

-I also totally can see Diavolo willing to learn something himself to understand what you're talking about, just because he gets kinda jealous when see you chatting with Barb about some new topping you find.

-"Oh! Yes, I do understand..!" - sparkles of joy flash in his pale yellow eyes, making it shine almost like gold. - "You're talking about bicarbonate of soda, aren't you..?"

"Hehe, no, dear.. It's cream of tartar, actually" - a small smirk appears on your lips. You were showing them both the new ingredients you bought for your next dessert, and it looks like Diavolo gets really interested. - "Well, but your guess was kinda close.."

"Since when did you start to understand something in baking? Or at least try to understand, Diavolo?" - your other lover smirks too, looking at different bags in your arms.

"W-well.. I just thought if I would know more I would be able to support s/o more in her interest.." - a small blush appears on Diavolo's cheeks as he looks away, shooting his eyes with furrowed brows in embarrassment.

"Oh! Then maybe we should ask our little darling to teach us?" - Lucifer's amused gaze meets yours. - "What do you think about it, chef?"

-Kitchen in House of Lamentation survived enough things already, so it turns for Demon Lord's Castle's Kitchen now. Cause it's gonna be an interesting experience..

-Lucifer would try to do everything accurately and carefully. He's an avatar of Pride, after all, he wants to surprise you with his cooking skill and receive some praise and compliments from you. When Diavolo would be more goofy, using this quality time not only to learn something but just to fool around with you.

-And everything ended up with Lucifer also playing along with your antics, forgetting about his role as strict partner, and actually enjoying some silly time. Yes, he will also love corny things like smearing each other's noses in cream or getting the whole kitchen in flour..

-"Huh.. I always scold my brother for this mess they always make in our place when it's their time to make dishes.. But it turns out I'm no better than them.." - Lucifer mumbled with furrowed brows and crossed arms after you three calmed down, and was just standing, catching your breath, all in dough, cream and glaze.

"Hahaha! But it was absolutely delightful, wasn't it?" - the loud laugh of Diavolo thundered through the whole kitchen, as he was even more excited and playful than usual now. - "I'm sure it would be the most delicious thing we all ever taste..!"

"Well, we will know after half an hour.." - you giggle, looking at the working oven. - "I think this time would be enough for us to clean at least part of this mess.."

"You're right.. Just please, never tell my brothers about this thing.." - Lucifer's voice gets quieter as he looks at you with a soft gaze. - "I don't want them to know about this side of me.. It's our little secret, okay?"

"Then maybe we should keep the whole situation confidential?" - Diavolo chuckles, his fingers on his lips. - "Despite the fact that I do want to brag a little about our ultimate cake, I also wish that this tea party would be enjoyed by just the three of us.."

[popculturebuffet]

How would you rank the Sam and Max episodes?

This is something I genuinely WAS going to do... but my massive workload and how tired I was at the time won out, a sign I was getting the cold i'm still fighting to finish my christmas reviews on time.

Anyways

Beyond the Alley of the Dolls: Is the clear #1. Recency bias is probably in play a TINY bit.. but it has all the jokes you'd expect, the most enjoyable puzzles in the series with me only having to use my guide occasionally, and genuine great tension and that climax is fantastic. While the season still ended on a high note, it's defintely the biggest and best ending of the trilogy. 2. The Mob the Mole and the Meatball: Season 1's best and honestly the best setting in the series.. and the latter games are none too shabby. It's just such a simple yet messed up concept: a chuck e cheese as a mafia front. Give those mafiso teddy bear heads and you have an outright classic. 3. The Tomb of Sammun Mak: The format bender really helped this one: the reel switching is the series best gimmick to shake things up and is a lot of fun. It's also their best asset flip, is packed with some iconic jokes and is charming as hell. 4. Situation: Comedy: While I loved these games from Culture Shock, Situation Comedy is where everything clicked: better puzzles, a great new environment to explore, great additions in mr featherly and two all time great bits: cooking without Looking and Subrban Cowboys (Their probably hiding a cow) It's only not higher up because it has that wonky as hell cow puzzle. I don't mind a long puzzle but I do mind when the puzzle is just "ask until you get the right question but we won't give you clues as to what the right answer are". It's fine if you can give wrong ansers and get great jokes, not so much in a loop but ot their credit the developers learned that lesson. Mostly.

4. The City that Dares Not Sleep: The touching, hilarous, and heartwrenching coda to the whole saga. The puzzles are a bit lighter, not hitting quite that good ballance of "Tricky but managable" and just being managable mostly. But it's still a standout conclusion to the best game in the trilogy.

5. Abe Lincoln Must Die!: This one like Situation Comedy would rank higher were the puzzles less frustrating or the hike back and forth from the street to the whtie house not tedious. That said while both of those can be grating... Abe Lincoln Must Die is just that funny. You have Max running for president against a giant stone abe lincoln, Superball's debut and of course the war song. I'm really disapointed the later games dropped musical numbers, as War and World of Max are bangers. I still listen to the war song regularly and probably will again just bringing it up here. 6. The Penal Zone: A brilliant start to their best season, a llittle lower due to that pigeon. Yes i'll never not resent the pidgeon pizza puzzle, as what the hell was that. But the chapter overall is fun, hilaroius and lets you get into the new groove of things nicely. Plus Max snorting at the penal zone's name will never not be funny.

6. Bright Side of the Moon: The most gorgeous chapter of the original game , with a grand set piece to close it out, a great villian reveal and of course... world of max. once again the song helps really boost this but it was a truly perfect ending to such a batshit season. 7. Night of the Raving Dead: IS a lot of fun. It has the worst puzzle in the trilogy, the dj puzzle, but damn if Jurgen isn't entertaning. Making a vampire lord an overly dorky scene kid was genius, and adding in that poor monster and of all people superball, and pulpy good flint paper and you have a stew goin.

8. They Stole Max's Brain: This one, like many is only so low thanks to one thing dragging it down: in this case the entire sammun mak act. I dreaded it going in and while it was better than I braced myself for it was still not great. You take my lack of love for stock ancient egyptian themeing (You can use it well but you have to work at it as it has cool astetics but is often used clusmily and sameily) and "The world is changed but only one person remember it plots" and i'm gonna have ab ad time. But the first two acts are so fun it compensates. 9. Culture Shock: Culture Shock is decent and is just above the bottom because while funny, a great start to the series and solid... the later chapters of both it's own game and the series as a whole really step it up. It dosne't help the main guests are the soda poppers who i've made my opinons of clear. Only specs dosen't make me want to kick his ass, to build a machine to kick his ass, to build an empire to house the machine to kick his ass!

10. What's New Beelzebub: Is solid. It's this low due to it's puzzles and the soda poppers reveal being VERY mid. I knew going in.. but that's the case with ALL the main villians and Hugh Blizz and The Narrator's reveals are way more effective: Bliss comes off as off from the start and the narrator is well set up whlie still being effective with an aamazing reveal. The Soda Poppers are just little weenies and them being revealed as the lords of the dammned isn't funny it's just.. what. You had Jurgen RIGHT THERE. The Soda Poppers really do ruin everything

11. Ice Station Santa: Starts well and has some great gags, torture me elmer is the best as is buster blaster

12. Chariots of the Dogs: Is fun, I just felt other chapters were better. But the payoff for the birthday and boscow do help this one up. The sexist humor not so much. Still has neat time travle 13. Reality 2.0: This one is only not bottom because it debuts the COPS. It gave us the COPS who rightly go on to play a bigger role in the next two games as the developers clearly loved them and so do I. It also has a fantastic finale, that graet mario joke and more I forgot, saving it from the bottom. But my god this one smells of "we ran out of time and needded a cheap chapter to make 6." I wouldn't be suprised if bduget is why the sequels are both 5 chapters instead as this one just.. asset flips to hell and isn't super fun about it. It TRIES but the digtial setting just feels lifeless. I think this one hasn't been helped by the sequels all having bigger more expansive sets, while this just feels half assed.

14. Moai Better Blues: has some frustrating puzzles like the cloud one, abe lincoln at his worst and that fucking surfboard minin game. Add in some mild racism and this one is just meh. The weakest chapter of them all. Some good jokes but that's standard for sam and max. What's not standard is that goodamn surfboard. There's a few good jokes but this feels like a mishmash of ideas rather than a more coherent chapter. Chariot Reused a lot but at least it was funny

[headfulloflettuce]

The Human Who Fooled All of Prythian

5. Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

Warning; violence, specifically whipping.

Cosette witnessed her first murder today.

It all started with Isabella getting pissed off several weeks ago. She attempted to have Diane make tea for Eris again, because according to her ‘a High Fae prince would never enjoy something made by a human’, calling Cosette a liar when she had informed her of the prince’s orders. This of course resulted in Eris storming into the kitchen himself and yelling at the head maid, slapping her across the face for good measure. Although seeing Isabella have her ass handed to her felt wonderful, it was actually quite terrible in the long run. 

Her first victim was Emily, a girl who gave Cosette extra soap when she had been washing the dishes. Isabella nearly stabbed the poor girl by throwing a knife at her, telling her that ‘if she were a fae she would have caught it with no problems’.

Her second was Max, a man who had been helping around in the stables. He had always shared the fruits in his food, knowing Cosette had a sweet tooth. She in turn gave him her vegetables. Cosette was pretty sure she had gotten the better end of the deal. The cargo he was supposed to assist in delivering disappeared mysteriously, and he was sent to the dungeons for stealing. She saw his dead body getting dragged out the backdoor a week later when she visited the stables to deliver food. It was never confirmed that it was Isabella, but Cosette was certain it was her doing. The rest of the humans had caught onto the pattern, and began to avoid her. Cosette didn’t blame them; she would have done the same.

The third time was today. It was Olivia, a girl she would always chat with in between work or during lunch. Cosette and four other women were tasked with helping around the kitchen to prepare the food for the dinner that night. Cosette was assigned to assist in the preparation of the soup. The rest of her team had various jobs, with Olivia being tasked with helping to prepare the turkey. The chef who was responsible for the actual dish stepped away from the oven to talk to another cook, while Olivia was busy preparing the platter for the bird.

“What is that smell?” the girl washing the dishes perked up.

“It smells like-Shit the turkey!” Olivia rushed over, pulling the bird out of the oven, the chef hovering over her shoulder.

“It’s burnt.” the chef tutted.

“Maybe…maybe we can salvage it…if we cut off the burnt parts we can simply present it differently.”

“Present it differently?” the chef rolled his eyes, “The High Lord wanted a proper bird, not some turkey scraps.”

“What is going on here?” Isabella’s voice made Olivia jump.

The woman approached the bird, staring at it as if it had killed her entire family and then massacred an innocent town.

“What is this?”

“Ma’am-”

“This human burnt the turkey.”

Olivia spun around staring at the chef, bewildered.

“No, please it wasn’t my fault!”

“Not your fault? Who remained by the oven when I stepped away, huh?” the chef yelled.

Isabella stood in silence, watching the two yell.

“Human…I do hope you understand the depth of your mistake. The High lord had requested turkey, and you failed to deliver.”

“I-I…I am really sorry.” Olivia bowed, throwing her body onto the ground, “Please…I repent…I will never do something like this again.”

Isabella smirked, leaning down to lift up her head, “You repent?”

“Y-Yes!” Olivia’s eyes sparkled with hope, “Please ma’am I am so sorry!”

“I am glad to hear that you are, because it means you will understand why I have to do this.” with inhumane speed Isabella grabbed the tray the turkey had been cooking on, and smashed it into Olivia’s face. 

The girl screamed, trying to get away, but Isabella kicked her, keeping her in place as she continued her onslaught. 

Olivia stopped moving.

Cosette stared at the body, the blood dirtying the just cleaned floors. Olivia’s face covered in burns and partially destroyed-

“How is the soup Fern?”

“I-what? Yes?” I looked to my side to see Isabella standing there, smiling, still holding the bloodied tray.

“How is the soup?” she leaned in to smell it.

Cosette tried to answer but nothing came out, her eyes still staring at the blood dripping onto the floor.

“Well? Fern?” Isabella’s eyes gleamed with sadistic pleasure,

“It’s good. Will be ready in five.”Cosette managed to croak.

“Good. That’s what I like to hear.” Isabella patted her head, tainting Cosette’s blonde locks with red.

Cosette turned back to the soup, its color a murky venetian red.

Cosette jolted, feeling a light tap on her shoulder

“Fern?”

“Oh, um yes?”

“You’ve been scrubbing the same pot for the past five minutes.”

“Oh…haha, gotta make sure it stays clean.”

“Right.” the chef looked at her with a raised eyebrow, but decided to not push further. A human wasn’t worth her time. “I am heading out, make sure to finish cleaning and close up.”

“Yes ma’am.”

Cosette stared down at her hands, which looked almost burnt from the hot water. How long had she spaced out for? She shook her head. Losing attention and focus in a place like this could cost her her life. Her distraction was a human error, and human errors were not permitted in a fae dominated world. Cosette set aside the clean pot, beginning to scrub down a pan, humming a familiar tune. 

She had noticed something interesting. The trafficking ring wasn’t in popular standing with other courts. Whenever events were held that involved guests outside Beron’s inner noble circle all the humans were forced into the cellars and dungeons to prevent their discovery or escape until everyone outside Autumn Court left.

She was genuinely impressed. The fae were dedicated to maintaining this business a secret. Not a piece of evidence was permitted to slip through. Of course, it was possible that the other Courts knew the truth and simply chose to do nothing about it.

Cosette shook her head. Feyre became a High Fae or whatever, but she used to be human. If this reached her ears she would not sit still while innocent humans suffered. With Rhysand being Rhysand he’d probably support her, or at the very least give her the necessary resources to succeed - in his traditional very convoluted way.

Cosette picked up a plate to scrub down, turkey pieces sticking to it due to the leftover sauce.

“What are you singing?”

Cosette jumped, her body’s blood ran cold at the sound of his voice. Cosette hesitantly turned to look at Eris, who was much closer to her than she would like him to be.

Pull yourself together Cosette.

“A song.”

“I don’t recognize it.”

“It’s from my hometown.”

“Is that so? What are the lyrics?”

Cosette paused, unsure if she should say them.

“Sing for me Fern.” Eris encourages.

“‘Karma is my boyfriend, Karma is a God...’” Cosette mumbled.

His expression remained unreadable as he stared at her.

“Unusual lyrics.”

Are you bashing my queen Taylor Swift?

“They’re good.” Cosette insisted.

“Of course you would say that Fern, your tastes are quite different from mine.”

That’s not as much of an insult as you think it is Eris.

Cosette turned back to her plate.

“Heard Isabella got rid of one of you.”

Cosette stayed silent. Was this an attempt to threaten her?

“You’re not squeamish of blood right?”

“Not too much.”

“Good.” Eris leaned against one of the counters, watching her clean the plates.

“Can…I help you, Your Highness?”

“No.” 

Then what are you doing here? Cosette almost groaned from frustration. However, their silence was soon interrupted by two fae women who stepped inside the kitchen, giggling about some gossip. The moment they spotted Eris they quickly bowed.

Eris sighed, seemingly annoyed by the intrusion.

“Your Highness.” the two girls bowed.

He nodded, indicating that they could rise.

“Did…Your Highness enjoy the meal we prepared?” one of the fae asked tentatively.

“It was acceptable.”

The two females glanced at each other, sharing a small smile.

“That’s wonderful to hear!” the other one piped in.

“Hm.” Eris nodded.

“Your Highness, I have a qualm.”

“Yes?” Eris’ voice was tinted with an edge.

“That human girl. She stole something from me.”

Hold up. Excuse me?

All signs of irritation from Eris had disappeared, being replaced by a sudden intrigue.

“She stole something from you?”

“Yes, Your Highness! I was afraid to bring it up though.” the woman dramatically clutched her hands together.

“Why were you afraid?” Eris asked with a hint of humor in his tone.

“Well sir, she really is a spiteful thing. I was worried she would harass me or my fellow coworkers if I said anything.”

Was this woman serious right now? Since when could I ‘harass’ a fae? He wasn’t buying this right-

“What did she steal?”

Eris! No!

“A family heirloom. A locket my father left for me…” The fae wiped a fake tear from her eye.

Ew.

“Hmm, that is quite a serious transgression.” Eris turned to look at Cosette.

“What do you have to say for yourself?”

Cosette had to take a minute to not burst out laughing, “I am innocent. I did not do such a thing.”

“You absolutely did!” the girl yelled at her.

“Do you have any proof of this crime?” Eris turned back to the two women.

“No, but if we check her servant bag I am sure we would find it there.”

Cosette froze. Was this a set up? But when would they have time to put it in there?

Eris walked over to a line of hooks, grabbing Cosette’s assigned bag and throwing it to her.

“Open it.”

Cosette picked up the bag, worry etched on her face.

“What’s wrong, human?” Eris smirked, “Scared?”

She shook her head, opening the bag and emptying the contents, freezing as a small locket fell out. The woman dramatically ran over, grabbing it and holding it close to her chest.

“I didn’t put this here.” Cosette looked at Eris. Maybe if she was confident enough he would believe her. Meanwhile 

“Really?”

“I am being set up.” she said, recalling Olivia’s death. Right then would have been a perfect time. She was in shock and was only focused on the soup.

“Do you have proof of that?”

Cosette was certain this bastard was enjoying this.

“No but-”

“Then as far as I can see it you’re the guilty party.” Eris yelled for some guards who were patrolling the hallway outside.

“You Highness! I am innocent, they must have put the locket in the bag while I was busy!” Cosette was starting to panic. Was there anything she could even argue to get out of this right now?

“Sounds like something a guilty human would say!” the female fae smiled at her.

The guards approached Cosette, restraining her hands. She struggled against the guards as they dragged her down to the dungeons. A place few visited and returned from in one piece. 

“Please, Your Highness! I haven’t done anything! I swear I am innocent!”

“You have yet to give me proof Fern that those girls are framing you. Do you really expect me to take the word of a human over a fae?”

Cosette gritted her teeth as she was thrown onto the dirty floor of a cell.

“Perhaps…a whipping will loosen your tongue.”

“No! Please!”

“I am being quite generous here Cosette. It’s not an execution.”

Was this man for real right now?

Seeing the very real whips one of the guards carried, Cosette went pale. This was real.

Okay, plan B; beg, beg and beg again.

Cosette threw herself on the floor at Eris’ feet. 

“Sir, please I am begging you. I am truly innocent! I haven’t done anything! I was busy in the kitchen the whole time, if you ask Isabella or anyone else they will tell you that I couldn’t have possibly had time to steal any valuables!”

Eris looked down at Cosette, his expression twisted with disgust at her pleading.

“You must be a terrible judge of character if you thought that would have worked.” Eris answered coldly, leaning in. “I’ll make it clearer for you; I like it when you don’t beg.”

Cosette cried out, feeling the two guards hold her down, the back of her uniform being undone.

“Then what do you want from me?” she yelped, feeling a whip make contact with her skin, burning her. It hit her again, again and again.

“Please…stop.” she begged, screaming as another whip left its mark.

Cosette sobbed, her body shaking from the pain and humiliation.

“Hm, will you confess now?” Eris leaned against the wall of the dungeons, observing the torture as if it were a mere circus show.

Cosette growled, “Like hell.” She wasn’t about to confess to a crime she hadn’t committed. She cried out again, as another whip left its mark.

“Sir, if we keep going she might not survive.”

“Ugh. Fine, leave her. Seriously, humans are always so fragile.” Eris looked at Cosette, his figure blurry in her vision. “Take this time to reflect on your actions, human. I hope you will have a proper answer for me when we see each other again.”

Cosette’s world went dark.

Next: Chapter 6 - Friends in Dark Places

Back: Chapter 4 - The New Routine

Masterlist

[i-cant-sing]

YAAALLLLL THIS MAN IS SO WHIPPED FOR ME(idk for sure but u guys tell me) AND HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW ME?????

So basically some random dude called me, he doesn't know me or has even seen me or even knows my name, and idk him either. He claims that he was randomly dialing a phone number and dialed mine because he wants to be friends (friends here means dating). I already know this is completely BS so I hung up on him, but after a few more calls from him, I decided to humor him.

So I gave him a fake name and a fake age and a fake career and like I'm telling this man that I am lying for most part and he's like "but why???🥺 I've been nothing but honest to you" and I'm like boy idk u and I don't wanna know u and I don't even trust u or ever will wanna be in a relationship with you. Cause I took a brief interview and he told me that he's 28 (but he sounds like he's 32, maybe 35), his highest level of education is 12 grade and he's working as a "programmer" at a small company (I think it's a clerk job because he calls me during his tea breaks, and then in the evening).

Anyways, he's like "come on, just give me a chance. What's the worst that could happen???" And I'm like no. And somehow the convo went from him trying pursue me to me telling him to go pray to the Lord (like real religious stuff) for help with his career (because I told him that I can't settle for a man who's not smart enough, pr rich enough or handsome enough) and then it went to me telling him to read some of my favourite novels.

Yall won't believe me when I tell u that this man researched fav book (after he figured it out that i took my fake name from that book) and he's proceeded to tell me the whole summary??? And like we've talking for the past 3 days? And everh single time, he asks "do I have a chance with you?" And I give a resounding NO. But I don't stop there, no no. He asked me reason for rejection and I GAVE HIM A WHOLE ASS LIST THAT WAS BORDERLINE MEAN LIKE-

You're wayyyy less educated. I bet you're not even street smart.

You're poor.

We are not in the same city.

You're not handsome (he said he was 6 ft tall, athletic build because he wakes up to run at 5 every morning, and he said his complexion was darkish)

Told him he must have something wrong with him, either the way he talks or looks or treats other woman that no woman in real life wants to be "friends" with him.

My parents would never approve, neither would my "8 brothers", my unckes would kill him.

You get the gist, right???

But he did not give up. He's like calling me up and asking "so what did you do today? What's your fav food? Hobbies?" And I'm like sir we are not at all compatible. I even went as far to tell him "I have a very bad temper. I am very high maintenance. I don't dress modestly. I dont cook. I have a lot of male friends, etc etc" things that were lies and would piss off most people.

But he's like "and???? I'll bear your wrath. I'll maintain you."

And I'm like???? What is he upto?

Anyways, everytime he'd ask me if I'd give him a chance, I'd tell him we are absolutely not compatible, especially because of his lack of education and he's like "so a man needs to be highly educated to date you? Why? Just because you're a doctor, does that mean only doctors can date doctors??" And I said, idk about others but that's my preference. And you know what he said??

"You should've been a butcher instead of a doctor, because you're really good at butchering up my heart🥺" HAHAHAHAHHAHA WHAT IS THIS GUY???

Girl I even pretended to be mad at him at the end of day 2 call, even though I was laughing at his jokes the whole time. Like I pretended to be mad at some of the jokes he made at my expense, just so that he'd leave me alone. I TOLD HIM TO NOT CALL ME BECAUSE I WONT PICK UP and as I was hanging up, he BEGGING and saying he was sorry, that he doesn't know what exactly he said was wrong but he's sorry.

I hang up, he calls a 2 more times before stopping. And I'm like " 👍 great, that's finished."

And the next day, he called me in the afternoon, but I was dead asleep. Then he called me again today in the morning, during his tea break and I picked up for the hell of it, and he started off apologising again and I pretended to just sigh and told him to just drop it.

And he's like "Okay... so how are you? What are you doing? Oh you just finished up with a patient? Oh, so what did you think about me?" And I said "I don't think about you. And I never will. You have a better chance with someone else than with me." And he's like "but I want you. You're sweet and kind and you speak in a gentle tone-" and I'm like THIS IS NOT A GENTLE TONE???

And anyways, he was like so did you eat? I told him no, I haven't ate since yesterday (which is true because I was sleeping non stop after class) and he's like "Oh no! Please do eat, how can u treat patients if you don't eat???" And I'm like alright, I need to go cause I have a surgery to watch (I did not, I am at home). And he said okay, make sure u eat something before u drop dead.

And then he called me again in the afternoon and he was like "so what up? How are u? What are u doing?" And I said I'm at work,have a massive headache and I'm studying (which I actually was) and he's like "BROO???? YOU STILL HAVENT EATEN??? WHY?" and I'm like (get in character) "cause I'm at work. Hospital food is nasty." And he's like "then order something???" And I'm like "No, I can't leave my ward to go fetch food." And he's like "Well it's not like u have told me where you work or live or what city you are in, otherwise I would've delivered some food to you!" And I'm like "really? You would've delivered food to me during your work?" And he's like "I WOULDVE FED YOU WITH MY HANDS!" anyways the convo was short because I needed to actually study so I said bye, but not before him telling me to please eat something.

Anyways, couple of hours later, he calls me again and is like "Hey, you free? I'm gonna get off work soon." And I was like yeah, and we started talking again and the convi revolved mostly around him trying to make me reveal some stuff about myself, I told him no. He's like "that's not fair. I tell u everything true about me." I said that's your choice, idk u. And he was like "u home yet? Did u eat something?" And i was like yeah, i had a cup of coffee at work, now im studyung again and he like loses his mond more "WHY HAVENT YOU EATEN? YOU WILL DIE?" and im like no, im too tired to eat and hes like "is it because youre at mad at me? Or at soemone else? Cause why else would u be skipping meals? Did someone say somwthing to you?" And i was like "no. I do have bad temper though, so if you were to piss me off, i would turn quiet and not talk to you for days" AND GUESS WHAT HE SAID????

"No, not the silent treatment. You can argue, you can yell at me, anything, just don't stop talking." And I'm like DUDEE???????

And then suddenly i remembered I should make him reveal how he got my number because it certainly can't be a coincidence THAT SOMEONE ELSE BEFORE HIM ALSO DIALED MY NUMBER (he was looking for another girl he was stalking but did not belive me when I said I'm not her. Maybe he did, but then he said okay then who are u cause I like u too. I blocked him lol). And I was like, he's gonna keep up with initial lie "i randomly dialed ur number" so I was like I'm gonna ask where he is from, like what city. And he was like "I'm not telling u because u don't tell me where u are from. So its not fair." Which is true but I needed him to answer. So I was like "Alright well, I gotta go." in a dismissive tone which he picked up on. Cause the next second he went on "Hey, hey. Are you mad at me? Look, I'm sorry. But just- please eat something. I gotta get back to work. You'll eat something right?"

And I said "ill eat when u tell me where you live."(like the city, not the whole address)

And he's like "aw come on, don't do that. That's blackmail-"

Me: "Okay, well goodbye."

Him: "no! NO GOOD BYE- I promise I'll tell u everything IF YOU promise to eat and tell me where you're from."

Me: I'm not gonna tell u where I'm from

Him: is that fair?

Me: no. You're right, it's not fair. So, you should go look for someone who will be fair with you. Bye.

Him: wait, wait- don't hang up!

I hang up. He calls again, I don't pick up. The second time he calls, I pick up (cause I'm putting him on the spot and he needs to break under pressure)

Me: yes?

Him: look, I promise I'll tell u everything on the next call if you promise to eat now.

Me: ill eat after u tell me.

Him: look, you're punishing me but this is harming you too! You should eat something. You haven't had anything since morning-

Me: okay, I have to get back to studying. You go back to your important work. Bye.

I hang up again. He calls, i pick up.

Me: yes?

Him: stop hanging up on me! Just- just promise that you'll eat something. I swear I'll tell u everything, all of your questions. I don't wanna lie to you.

Me: tell me now. And don't lie, God is watching.

Him: I know God is watching. But I tell you later-

Me: okay, you need to go back to your work-

Him: I DONT! I LEFT THE OFFICE TO TALK TO YOU. I GOT LIKE 20-25 MINUTES TO TALK TO YOU-

Me: then answer my question.

Him: girl just listen to me-

Me: goodbye then. I actually need to study and pray. Have fun at work.

I hang up.

Now he's gonna call again when he returns from work. Now what do u guys think is going on with this Wattpad character? Is he trying to scam me out of money?

Also, just to be clear before anyone of u cause me of leading him on, I specifically told him and tell him on every call that him and I are never gonna happen and that he should stop wasting his time. He's the one who always calls.

[weidaoduzun3]

Can/Do Bad People Cultivate The Great Inarticulate Dao?

Short answer: Yes, they most certainly do. The reason is the Dao's ability to penetrate and be a part of All Things.

What brings this to my attention is chapter 62 of the Dao de Jing, and I am working with Rudolph G. Wagner and William S. Wilson's translations and Wang Bi's commentaries.

The sections I want to focus on are as follows:

Wilson: "It (the Dao) is a treasure for the good man who is a blessing for all, and a place of support for the bad man, as it would carry him on its back as though he were a child." Wagner: "It (the Dao) is what is treasured by good men. It is what men who are not good protect."

Two very different translations here. Not sure which one I prefer, but regardless, working with two or more translations is an essential component for studying the Dao de Jing or any other Daoist literature, as an English-only reader.

The first thing that is glaring to me is the Dao's non-discriminatory qualities. For the bad person and the good person alike, both confide in the Dao, even if their crafts differ. For the bad man, we will use the character of a thief, and for the good man, someone who is pious and an upstanding, law-abiding citizen, and perhaps someone with privilege (someone with political status or a well-respected business person). If we recall the story of Lord Wenhui and Cook Ding in book three of the Zhuangzi, we can see that even for someone with high status, and more privilege, it is not enough to cultivate the Dao. In that story, Cook Ding astonished Lord Wenhui with his mastery and cultivation of the inarticulate Dao. Rich or poor, rank, privilege, and societal status are never prerequisites for cultivating and mastering the Dao. For more on this story, please take a look at my commentary on this particular section of the Zhuangzi.

So the Dao makes no distinctions between the good and bad man, okay, cool. So does this mean a thief can practice their craft with Virtue and in step with the Dao? According to Zhuangzi, yes. In a section I have not read yet, Robber Zhi's disciples ask him if there is such a thing as the "Dao of thieving?" To which Robber Zhi responds: "Which profession is there that has not its (The Dao's) principles?"

As seen above in the picture, the thief exudes the principles of the Dao.

As suggested by Wang Bi's commentaries on these verses from chapter 62, the one who is bad and practices the Dao, they avoid harm and the punishment of their thievery. When taken at a surface level-reading, this sounds like Daoism or the Dao itself excuses bad behavior. But this is not the case. What this is saying, I think, is that the Dao and Virtue are the bedrock of the world. As suggested in the photo above, the thief cannot but help to practice thievery with at least some virtue and principles that are in accordance with the Dao. Daoism doesn't promote thievery or any kind of bad behavior, but it encourages us to be true to our nature, be true to ourselves and our circumstances, and act accordingly to what Fate presents us.

I wish to impose a suggestion that when a thief practices thievery in step with the Dao and its principles, they can eventually turn away from their life of crime. This sentiment is not explicitly mentioned in the Zhuangzi or Wagner's translations of chapter 62. But if we turn to Wilson's translation of the last few words in his copy of the Dao de Jing, it states as follows:

"Why did the men of old treasure this Way? Didn't they say that those who seek it out will pick it up along the way, and that those who have been caught like fish in the nets of crime will be pardoned and given new life? Thus, it makes all under Heaven treasure it.

Compare it with Wagner's:

"What is the reason why the ancients valued this Way? Did they not say: If the good ones strive by means of the Way, they will achieve it, while those who have committed crimes avoid punishment by means of The Way? That is why it (The Dao) is most valued by All Under Heaven."

As you can see, Wagner's translation still gives off a vibe that the Dao excuses those who commit crimes and can thus avoid apprehension and repercussions. While this is one correct way to look at it, we must dig deeper into what the text is trying to tell us. I will take advantage of this opportunity to stress again the importance of working with two or more translations with these kinds of texts.

Focusing on Wilson's translation gives more leniency to my imposition that the thief can eventually turn away from their life of crime when they practice Virtue and the principles that are in accord with the inarticulate Dao. While it may be argued that the thief or good man has no choice but to rely on Virtue and the Dao in their craft, as suggested by the photo of the excerpt from the Zhuangzi, I dare say there is a choice. Some people are ultra-violent and have no code of conduct for their crimes; I can attest this much from first-hand, anecdotal experiences from my life as a former thief. We must remember the Dao supersedes and transcends all human-noted distinctions (Zhuangzi chapter 2) and that any Dao that can be articulated is not the Unchanging Dao (Dao de Jing 1). What "is" good and what "is" bad has no room when embarking on the Inarticulate Dao. The only example I can give you, wonderful people, is my own life experience with crime and turning away from that.

When my old using buddies and I would embark on a boosting heist (I'm making this sound all fancy, but it's really just a clever way to steal from department stores in plain sight), we would only steal what we need to get to feel better, get high and put food in our bellies. We never robbed people at gunpoint; no threats or violence had ever ensued. Did we practice thievery in step with Dao and its Virtue? Perhaps, perhaps not. But as suggested in the picture above of Robber Zhi speaking to his disciples, we practiced all of those things unknowingly, of course. It is truly an anomaly that we were never apprehended and faced repercussions. We can throw out any suggestion of white privilege because I was just the driver, not the one actually going into the stores and performing the boost. The ones who got their hands "dirty" were all people of color. Though, I'm not suggesting at all that my hands were ever "clean" because I was just a mere getaway driver. I am simply pointing out that race had no play in our evading of repercussions.

Here we were, as suggested by Wilson's translation, all caught up in the nets of crime such as drug dealing and purchasing, and thievery. I know of two people who have been pardoned and given new life, myself and the one who actually would go in and perform the boost. I've kept in contact with the "master thief" who would actually go into these department stores and perform the boost. He is sober, doesn't steal or boost anymore, and has a well-paying job; and importantly was never arrested for these crimes we committed together. Whether he is telling me the truth is beside the point because I, too, have turned away from my life of crime, and it seems like my friend has, too. If he did face repercussions, then, of course, my white privilege could've been a massive factor in my evading repercussions for these particular crimes. My friend has no reason to lie about this, though. So I can't help but think that both of us (when mainly it was just us two doing the boots/thievery) evaded harm and repercussions because we practiced our craft with virtue as our bedrock. We are both good people who didn't wish to live such a life that was fueled by petty crime and drugs. With our virtue still intact, we escaped the vicious cycle of drugs and petty crime.

So, in conclusion, yes, both "good" and "bad" people cultivate the Dao and its Virtue. We should not "gatekeep" the Dao and its teachings to only the good, pious person. The Dao and all its teachings should be available to everyone: the Cook, the beggar, the thief, and the King. The Dao doesn't discriminate between our petty human distinctions, and we should be more aligned with Nature's natural distinctions. Just as the Dao is a treasure for the goodman who is a blessing for all, it (the Dao) is equally there for the bad person and is its place of support.