#some of this might be a bit contradictory but my thoughts r all over the place

[nathaniel-underwood-is-an-intj]

Post Ptolemy's Gate ramble

So I just finished Ptolemy's Gate, thoughts are a bit all over the place and aside from mentioning the obvious I thought I'd dump some thoughts here.

Piper's apathy certainly shocked me. I know she's stressed running the council and she's got loads of organisation to do but oof she sure did come across as cold in her conversation with Kitty. Kitty has that kind of apathetic resignation of grief but it really felt like Piper had already put it behind her despite it only being two days before. Her boss that she worked for died horribly to save them all and she didn't even seem to share a quiet moment of grief with Kitty idk it just felt a little brutal 😅 I had an impression of her being really sweet so I was a bit taken aback.

One thing that really stood out to me was Nathaniel's apathy to the situation, I found it really interesting. I guess something could be said about it being the magician in him.

Nathaniel really has this duality to him, the obvious being Nat vs John Mandrake and of course Nat + Bartimaeus but in chapter 36 part ii something that caught my attention

'it was the feeling of consummate superiority, the delight of power weilded without peril. He danced beneath the night sky, smiting down his enemies.'

It already seems as if he's being elevated to something other- a martyr perhaps, except martyrs have causes and ideals, they do something because they have a strong belief in their justness. And Nathaniel:

'He felt aloof disconnected and alone. If his hatred for demons he had killed was dull and almost matter-of-fact, so was his sympathy for the people whose lives he saved.'

So he seems almost like an avenging angel, I love the religious imagery, especially because it seems to call back to Bartimaeus comparing his body to a holy mosque. But also divine rage is the driving force for an avenging angel and he's no longer even angry at the destruction caused.

'Pride spurred him on.' this almost makes him seem God-like?? His sole motivator is the pride of a deity, and I love that. But it's also just very true to him as a boy, pride spurred him on against Lovelace and against Duval and Whitwell.

When he's alone with Bartimaeus he's taken on this air of not being entirely human. He feels alone and solitary from everything including humaity. But when he rejoins Kitty, Piper and the rest of the magicians waiting for him he's reinvigorated - 'he felt a surge of joyful impatience - 'he would detroy Nouda, rescue the commoners and return to Kitty.' it seems as though he has to be surrounded by people to remind himself he's one of them. It could be seen as an effect of sharing a mind with Bartimaeus, but of course it could be Nathaniel's own human pride and his memories of being othered even as a child. Just gives the impression of this human / higher entity duality.

But also I partly got the impression that this hints to depression- I'm sure it's hardly out of the realm of possibility for Nat to have it. Though it's never stated I think several moments in the books make a good argument for it, including the above- just the numbness to everything. And I guess the sudden change in demeanor at 'surge of joyful impatience' can be read as hopefulness, but it reminded me of the saying that when people have decided to follow through on their s*icidal ideation they come across as happy and like a weight has been lifted from them. Nathaniel is impressively calm for someone who realises he's gravely injured. And while he can be seen as a martyr or hero for his final actions, the hollowness he felt at that moment gives it a more bitter edge.

I think it's made even more sad when compared to Anthony Lockwood, who has that same sense of pride - because he's trying to make his dead parents proud and because he's trying to hide the fact that he doesn't like himself very much. Nathaniel gives this same impression. And Lockwood at the end had reason to be proud, he uncovered a huge conspiracy, his agency became the most famous in London. And Nathaniel had reason to be proud; he's managing to wield the staff of his childhood hero, something he had dreamed of doing, he's had the bravery to unite with a spirit and he's going to take down the biggest threat to London.

But Lockwood gets something Nathaniel doesn't-

There's this subtle idea seen through Lucy's eyes that Lockwood's biggest achievement was fighting through his s*icidal ideation and discovering he has something to live for, even just seeing his friends again.

And Nathaniel just doesn't get that moment.

He sort of acknowledges that he doesn't have to be a powerful leader, that he doesn't need his colleagues approval, that he doesn't need to erase the fear the commoners have of him and other magicians, but without these things he doesn't know what to do with himself. He has no plan for the future, because even before he's injured the idea of a future doesn't seem to have much appeal to him. He already appears to have given up on trying to uncover who Nathaniel is, depite finally having the opportunity to. Like after everything- being beaten, the fear of his colleagues trying to harm him and burying himself in the John Mandrake persona to protect his sensitive side- he doesn't want to uncover the remnants of that boy because he's worried it'll be too difficult to put himself back together.

Or maybe he feels that he already has discovered who Nathaniel is, a deeply unhappy, hollow shell of a person, whose personality has been pulled in so many directions he no longer has a sense of self. He's been stripped back to the barest version of himself and found he doesn't even have the foundations upon which to rebuild himsef. Like discovering dry rot in your walls and you keep pulling and pulling bits of rotting wood away from the home until you've finally got it all, only to realise the house has come down around you- there's nothing left.

He doesn't get this moment where he works through his trauma, where he realises he has a support system, where he realises he's loved. I don't know if Nathaniel ever really knew what it felt like to be loved. I don't think he did. Ptolemy's death was awful and heartbreaking but his short life was filled with affection. And Lockwood realises people do care about him, depite being told that no one does. It hurts so much that Nat felt isolated and alone his whole life, right up to the last minute. Potential love confessions aside, Nathaniel never got a chance to sit and bathe in the warmness of affection. Like Bartimaeus tells him, it's about 'being not doing.' Nathaniel never got to understand the importance of just being, of simply existing as himself or of being happy. He constantly had to be working on the next goal, the next plan, because if he stops working he'll be forced to sit with his thoughts and realise how unhappy he is. And the thought of that is just too much to bear, it's so much easier to give in.

The ending gave the impression of being very romantic, while sad. Nathaniel gets to be remembered as a hero and never has to confront the consequences of his actions with wars in Europe and America that he had a direct role in. Acknowledging his role and dealing with fallout are two very different mountains to climb. And I think that idea of dying like a hero perfectly appeals to Nathaniel's prideful tendencies, and maybe he views it that way to hide the fact it's a convenient way out of his unhappiness and confronting what he's done. It's quite interesting to see that after he's been stripped back to nothing and can't figure out who or what he wants to be if he gets the chance, he still has that vanity and arrogance to him- despite not really being good character traits, they're so authentically Nathaniel, he's been that way right from the start and it's nice little peak of the real him at the end, being so humanly flawed.

[crguang]

I'm back. Miss me? It's been several months since I opened this apl

I literally just encountered my acquaintance story but I'll alter it a bit. Imagine this is violinist Kafka x Pianist (Accompanists) Reader.

I imagine Kafka is like Chloe Chua, a famous prodigy that is known all over the world. When she was little, she has a cold yet talented accompanist (like the tone that she produced is warm. Quite contradictory with her appearance) this accom is reader (another prodigy that took lesson with a famous pianist, let's say the reader's teacher and Kafka's teacher is like a colleague that happened to perform together in the past, that's how reader can meet Kafka on the first place).

Suddenly Kafka's violin teacher replaced reader with another accom. Which makes her confused and becomes an annoying person. Like no one can stand Kafka and want to be her accom. But Kafka is talented, so people is using her so they can write it on CV like... "has performed with Kafka on Carneige Mellon" HAHAHAHA

Well, turns out the reader is some kind of retired but Kafka never knew about this fact. You know.... that one prodigy that people know as a prodigy, they never saw her musical journey till they grew up? Yup that's the reader.

And how do they meet again? I have no idea and I have no idea why reader retire. Just suddenly inspired by my acquaintance's story. I don't want to spill her story full, just taking the essence hahaha.

-🎹

HIIIIII AAAAA HOW ARE YOU!!!! has it been months already?… oh my goodness i hope youre doing great, i missed you and your violinist kafka thoughts <33 i neeeeed this AU written but i dont know anything about music so i wouldnt be the best person to write it but it sounds so GOOD.

kafka and R having perfect synergy because theyre so familiar with each other, maybe sharing some of the burdens of expectations at a young age, kafka being so focused on honing her skills that she’s kind of a loner and R was her closest friend growing up wow… R is more reserved and quiet while kafka’s a little troublemaker who never gets caught misbehaving and who drags R into her little schemes. they’re both pushed hard but they have each other; when one of them doubt themselves the other is there to tell them not to be stupid, they share a love for music that goes beyond spoken words like oh my godddd. maybe they’re each other’s first kiss and kafka initiates it because she wants to try and theres no one else. they never talk about it again.

anon your brain is so big even if that’s your acquaintance’s story like this is amazing— in response to your other ask i do think since kafka is naturally confident, if she knows that shes so important that other people are using her to boost their careers, she would be a little brat because she’d get away with it. once R is out of the picture i can see her pushing others to their limits, being dismissive of their struggles and getting irritated if they mess up some notes or cant follow her tempo because she knows who she wants to perform with, who would be able to follow her effortlessly and actually push her to be better and it’s not her eager peers. she’s condescending and keeps to herself so it’s hard to get past the surface and actually befriend her. no one wants to practice with her because she’s a hard ass but she doesn’t care… depending on her teacher i think she might grow up associating her worth with her skills and would be very hard on herself, especially if others start relying on her musical prowess to get better.

imagine her and R meeting again like a decade later omfg. R took a break from music while kafka hasnt and has only gotten more famous, but she recognizes them instantly despite both of them having grown up. R congratulates her on her success and asks how she’s doing, kafka answers talking about her next performance or her skills and R is like “that’s great. what about outside of music?” kafka ends up skillfully turning the conversation around because she doesn’t know what to reply with. the vision is so clear rn… R, as they’ve actually had time to find themselves outside of their potential, is the one helping kafka do that as well. when kafka finds out they’ve stopped playing the piano she’s personally offended. what a waste of potential. shes spent years thinking of them as the only person who could match her talent. she tries to get them to play again often and they refuse every time, but they do end up spending more time around each other and getting to know the other like they used to when they were younger. kafka’s gotten more guarded and confident, but R sees through her anyway and it makes her uncomfortable. she hides it well tho. oh that slow burn childhood best friends to strangers to friends who are new versions of themselves to lovers is REALLLLL ITS SO CLEAR IN MY MIND. FUCKKKKK

[memoirsofareddittroll]

AITA Shitpost #1: If you're from Africa, then why are you white?

So, here we go with the first one dating back to January, 2022. This one I'm particularly proud of, as it was my first, and it reached over 100 comments shortly before being recognized as fake by the mods. You can find the original post here (although, since it was locked, you won't be able to read it). Luckily for you, though, I still have the account and can thus share the post with you below.

"AITA for not knowing a lot about geography?

I use a throw away, because this situation is apparently embarrassing for me, so I would prefer not to be traced to my real account.

This started when I (24M) overheard some friends M (24M) and G (25M) talking about economics. I decided to join in, because one of them said the phrase “African immigrants,” which I thought was quite humorous, because it is an oxymoron. I pointed this out, and they both just looked at me. G asked me do I know what an oxymoron is? And I answered yes, I think it is a contradictory phrase. G then asked me what was the contradiction? to which I responded that “immigrant” implies to leave ones country, and one doesn’t leave ones country when he or she goes from Africa to the other states. Then M asked me what had I meant by “other states”? I responded that I had been fairly certain that Africa was a state, and that if it was not then it would not make sense to say common terms like “African-American,” as then being African would not make you automatically American.

Indubitably the conversation devolved to M and G mocking me for having thought that Africa would be apart of the United States. It became particularly bad when M said that what I had said was stupid, which obviously angered me, so I told him to shut up, cursed him out, and then remarked that him being a knowitall was the reason why no one liked him. M and G became really defensive after I said that, therefore I have seen neither of them since the argument. Since then, all of our mutual friends have been phoning me and saying I was rude.

On one hand, I feel that I may have been a bit harsh on them. On another hand, I have always considered myself a considerably intelligent person, so I think it rude and dishonest for M to insinuate that I am stupid. So, Reddit, AITA?"

Looking back on my first piece after a year of shitposting, the most striking part to me is that my work has gotten kinda sloppy over time. I put a lot of effort into my first post—here you can clearly see a well-defined character (well, more like a caricature, but in r/AITA terms they might as well be synonyms) which was carefully infused into the writing in a way that I unfortunately haven't been able to replicate since. I'm sure you noticed how pretentious I sounded throwing in clunky grammar and misusing words like "indubitably" and "therefore."

I also had a good bit of lore prepared—my character was eventually intended to whip out the fact that he was a member of Mensa as a last resort (as if that somehow excused thinking that Africa was a state in the US). Unfortunately, this is where I got a bit carried away with the commenting and eventually got my post taken down.

My personal favorite exchange in the comments was my third (and last!) comment here, which I think might have been what gave me away to the mods.

I learned from my mistakes that Africa is not a state in the US, and I now know that it is a country in its own right!

The thread got reposted to r/AmITheDevil, which is one of my main criteria for success in these stories. Most people there were calling me out as an obvious troll (one even dared to call me a low-effort troll, which I took particular offense to), as opposed to the maybe one or two comments on the original post calling it out as a shitpost.

Maybe I leaned into the dumb American stereotype too much, but I guess that's the whole point of these shitposts. Either way I still look back on it as a success, even if it did have some rougher aspects.

Anyway, my second post was more successful and was never removed (and even includes some DM action!) so I might post these out of order to let it stay up for a bit longer. Let me know if liked this, thought I was a pathetic loser with no life, or want to see more, or just generally what you think.

[cynicalmusings]

empiricism or rationalism GO

(ngl I want to interact with you for some time but epistemology is kicking me so hard so I was like, “hm maybe r has some ideas about this”, so here we are)

I seriously kant with this

-aki

sorry it took me a while to reply to this, but here are my thoughts:

(philosophical ramblings ahead. you have been warned.)

to be honest, i’d say a bit of both. more epistemology as a whole, but some rationalism can be good here and there.

generally, as i said, i prefer epistemology, just because we can see that in the real world, experience is how knowledge is applied: science, education systems— it’s everywhere and has solid evidence for it, whereas rationalism is kind of just ‘trust me bro’, if that makes sense. i know that the whole point of it sort of is that it doesn’t have solid proof in our world and we need to look beyond the shadows on the wall, as you might say, but the ‘forms’ mentioned are so abstract and, like, how do you know when you’ve found them? the idea of forms in rationalism is also a bit contradictory, because take the example of sickness: how can that have a ‘perfect’ form? 

maybe you could argue that sickness is the imperfect form of the perfect form of health, but the thing is, we do have health in the real world, too, so that doesn’t exactly check out... the idea of these forms is probably the biggest issue i have with rationalism. another is that without actually putting things into practice, anomalies can pop up and people can get their deductions wrong, and if you never actually experiment with it to see that something up I worked out for yourself is flawed, you’ll be stuck for your whole life believing something wrong or untrue.

however, as i said, there are a few instances where i’d say rationalism over empiricism. for example, our senses can be flawed and deceived and whatnot, and scientific experiments and studies can fail or go wrong, so always relying 100% on experience isn’t always going to be fully accurate. also, not just flawed senses work into this, but also different world views as a whole: people can interpret and perceive things in different ways, and if there’s no easy way to tell which is the objective truth, sticking to each subjective view on the matter is just going to cause clashes rather than actually making sense of things objectively. 

rationalism may be slightly less useful in down-to-earth, heels-in-the-mud type scenarios, but without it we wouldn’t really be able to have concepts of religion— or at least not as strong as people do today— which is a major part of human society. also, let’s use an example such as mathematical equations: you can’t really ‘experience’ equations, and the best way to find one— especially people in the past like newton and einstein and whatnot— is by using logic and reasoning to figure out stuff that nobody has delved into before. basically, in my view, rationalism allows for people to speculate possibilities, and empiricism can put it into practice and cement its value.

i guess that overall i’d say rationalism is better for figuring out new stuff and coming up with ideas that have the potential for something, because ideas and concepts aren’t tangible through experience and you need to use deduction and all that to make sense of them, but empiricism is more widely useful in a general situation, because most people live in the here and now and experience things as such, rather than spending 100% of their time contemplating ‘forms’ that may or may not exist.

i... kind of turned this answer into an essay, but hey, that’s what you get when you ask me about this kind of stuff.

[neomedievalist]

what r your problems with smt iv? like what it couldve done better

hard to put into words...the game just feels overall a bit messy at times. its clearly put together with a lot of passion and love so you can forgive it but the plot can be a bit all over the place...

there are naturally gameplay complaints like phys skills costing mp, and the map being very difficult to navigate, but i dont think those are really a big deal. some people will probably argue that being on the 3ds hurts it and, yeah probably. the VN style is a bit rough at times, and the cutscenes are not...great. i honestly think they really made the most of the 3ds especially for a game released really early in its lifespan. like, it looks really nice for a 3ds game, even compared to some really nice looking 3ds games that were released a lot later.

i think the plot falls apart the more you think about it and ive had to sort of turn my brain off to enjoy it at times. i know i'm the massive lore analysis posts guy but i really have to wonder how much of this the writers ACTUALLY thought of... i think one of my biggest complaints is neutral route, where the masakado stuff feels like it comes out of nowhere and adds this random plot thats not especially relevant to the main themes of the game... i honestly really like neutral route for a number of reasons but it totally takes you out of the main conflict to do some quest thats more in line with a traditional rpg and makes you just not care about it... do other people know what im talking abt here

it can be pretty inconsistent in its writing too and it feels like its backing away from Really saying something at some points...characters motivations can be sometimes contradictory and sometimes very flat. theres a lot of characters introduced to be killed off. while i complain when people say smtiv's characters are flat, i see where they're coming from.

that's all i can think of right now but i just feel like smtiv was so ambitious trying to do so many things that it fell a bit flat in some aspects (this is coming from the #1 smtiv liker. i still love it so much.)

the reason nocturne stands out so much as a masterpiece after all these years is because of its minimalism. it focused really hard on doing a few things really really well, and yeah it Can feel empty because of that, but it made it age so well and still hold up today. so thats why i say nocturne is objectively better than smtiv. even though smtiv is more special to me and i might 'like it' more

anyone else have any thoughts? feels like im being asked for my video game opinions a lot lately

[holycow99]

石田お寿司 12/9/21 stream translation Part 8

This is not the full translation of the stream. I only translated the parts I could understand & interpret or parts I found interesting/important. I’m still a beginner in Japanese, so the translations may not be accurate. If you want to repost, please repost at your own risk.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(t/n: ** means translation may not be accurate.)

*He started drawing choujin X.

I: I’m gonna do my work. It’s gonna be a work streaming onwards. Whoever is sleepy can sleep.

*Showing the screen.

I: This is the 2nd chapter. I’m doing this for the magazine. Even though I’ve done this chapter before, I’m still drawing it. This is what I’ve been doing.  Pitiful, isn’t it? I’m doing this because I want to though. Then, I’m gonna casually draw this for a bit.

C: Looks tough.

I: Not at all. Which page should I do? So exciting!

I: The bgm is called Cry by Queen Bee.

I: I wasn’t told to do this by Young Jump or anything. I voluntarily wanted to do it. I asked them to let me do it.

C: Tell us your favourite panel.

I: Hmm…I wonder. I don’t know.

I: I’ve been doing the manuscript by myself, along with the background as a challenge. When I was able draw the background pretty well, I thought, surprisingly, working this way was better. So, I got carried away and had fun drawing them. I drew too much to the point the pages piled up. It didn’t need these many pages. You can’t have these many pages for the comic, so it’s difficult. The 70 something pages for chapter 2 is gonna be compressed to fit the magazine. I feel embarrassed. I was like “what is this super big spread?!”

I: My goal is to update 3 chapters this month while creating chapter 2 ver 2, and there are coloured parts in between the pages for the magazine. I’m not supposed to do that either… It’s troublesome.

*Someone commented there’s a weird URL. (t/n: the highlight of the stream.)

I: There’s a weird URL? Should I delete it? Which one? Oh, it’s an R-18 URL. “Hot Girls and Boys”. This is definitely an adult URL! Maybe I should check out. Hahaha! I’ll pin this message! What should I do with it? Then…I’m blocking it.

C: Sensei, check it out for us.

I: I’ll take a look at it for a bit later. The virus might corrupt my manuscripts.

C: That’ll be a problem.

I: Do you mean me pinning the message? Oh, you mean my manuscript getting corrupted. That’s okay. It’ll be a corrupted version of chapter 2. The virus version. I have to quickly make ver.3 if that happens. Choujin X adult ver. Adult sites often put X in their URL. That kind of info came out when I searched about the letter ‘X’. Therefore, I wanna do that kind of collaboration, please. I’ll be waiting for it. To shueisha, To Ninohara Matsuo, please make it happen. I’m looking forward to your cooperation.

*Someone commented for him to try get his files corrupted by adult site’s virus for the 30,000 commemoration.

I: That’s a good idea! Try getting corrupted by pc virus. Let’s do it, by all means. Don’t hesitate to tell me any sites filled with virus.

*People commented they can see the comment being pinned.

I: It’s because it’s being pinned. Really? I can’t even unpin it! Why? Amazing. The comment is strong. How about If I randomly pin another comment? Is there any interesting comment? MM, comment something interesting.

*The comments had already been unpinned.

I: I don’t know whether MM is still here or not. They must use the word ‘On the contrary’ in the comment. Something like, “On the contrary, adult sites are…” That person only comment contradictory stuffs.

C: MM’s syntax.

I: That’s a nice one. “On the contrary,…” even though it isn’t. Has MM gone? I’m curious. Maybe he’s thinking of what “on the contrary” stuff to comment. “On the contrary, open the URL.” Haha. “On the contrary, try getting corrupted by the virus.” On the contrary, how about I spread the virus to you guys? You’ll see adult stuffs if you open it.

*Someone commented Ishida would be on Yahoo News if that happened.

I: That’s good. Let’s do it. I’ll add trying to spread the virus into the 30,000 subscribers’ commemoration proposal.

C: I can’t handle the virus.

I: That’s right. The pc will be heavy if there’s virus.

*Someone asked why he wanted to be a mangaka.

I: I’ve told this before, but because I didn’t wanna get a job. I thought it’d be easy being a mangaka. Then, I thought of retiring when I was in my 30s after I’ve earned enough money. Haha. I thought of having an easy life. These were my thoughts when I was 19. But reality is…how do I put it? There’s still more to life.

C: Is it as what you’ve planned?

I: Is it? I did become a mangaka. I’m amazed by that fact. I wondered whether I was gonna be one when I was aiming for it. I thought of being a mangaka and I really did become one.

C: What anime did you obsessed with lately?

I: I don’t have one. I’ve been watching movies only. I watch them if the anime is the laid-back, calming type.

*Ishida mentioned that Goubaru started doing something so passionately, but he couldn’t understand why Goubaru’s doing it. Goubaru tried to explain to Ishida but he was unable to understand what he’s doing anymore in the end. Ishida ended up giving advice to Goubaru.

(t/n: I couldn’t translate the part above properly, so I just summarized it.)

* The adult websites comment came back in the chat.

I: It’s here again. This thing is super famous. I’ve blocked them though. Should I block it? How should I do it? Report it or using moderator? What is moderator? Something like a management or some sort? Would it disappear if I report it?  

C: Moderator is someone who’d ban it for you.

I: I see. A guard. That’s good. But if the moderator is a nasty person, like S******, they’ll ban stuffs randomly. They’ll be playing around with it.

*Talking about the weird comment again.

I: Erotic websites also appear in my stream. Isn’t it amazing? The only thing I’ve got before was a URL for a ramen blog. I should’ve taken a look at the site secretly after that. It was a ramen blog, but the name of the blog was something related to excretion.

*Ishida imitating the ramen blog’s comment.

I: “I’ve written reviews about ramen that I ate.” The content is okay, but the blog name is…, but he might’ve been a good person. But he’s probably not if he put out his url there. Like what are you trying to promote? I’m still regretting not taking a look at it.

*Ishida finding page to draw.

I: I’ll draw this. It looks fun. Is it okay for me to show these drawings? Well, you’re gonna read this in Tonari Young Jump in the end. I’ve drawn it, so it’s okay.

C: Until what time are you gonna stream?

I: I haven’t decided it.

C: You’ve been streaming for almost 4 hours.

I: That’s nice. This can be a record.

*Someone asked if he’s day and night became reverse when working at home.

I: Yes, definitely. That’s basically what’s happening now. I’m currently a nocturnal maybe. I wake up at wrong hours.

*Searching for bgm

C: Please play something that wouldn’t get you banned.

I: I won’t be banned, but I’ll get a copyright notice, just like Juuzou’s video. I got a notice saying I wasn’t allowed to monetise the video. I wasn’t going to. I can’t play songs I usually play because of the copyright.

C: Try getting your account banned for the commemoration project.

C: Copyright is bothersome.

I: You can’t help it. Everyone is protected that way.

*Ishida forgetting Chandra/Chandler’s outfit.

I: Did he wear a tie? He does, doesn’t he? Ah, he does.

C: It looks like Animal Rap at a glance.

I: Quite a while ago, I forgot if it was the drawing stream or not, I was drawing while animal rap videos were playing, right? During the night of the day chapter 2 was released probably, I did a streaming with animal rap videos playing on the screen. I said I wanted to see the final battle. I thought of uploading animal rap video after the stream. Now, I can start uploading them. I’ll upload animal rap video while drawing Choujin X. Need to see the conclusion of it. Are you guys anticipating it? Haha. I’m the one who anticipates it the most.

C: I wan you to bring back the Vtuber.

I: That thing? It’s a nuisance. Hahaha.

C: Is the name of the smoke guy supposed to be Chandra or it is translation error?

I: Is there translation error? I don’t know though.

I: I’ve drawn until B Block’s match for Animal Rap. The 2nd match is over, so another 4 matches to go? Or 3 matches? Huh? Let me scribble (the matches’ chart) , since I’m dumb. It’s like this, right? Until which match did I draw? I’ve drawn the B Block’s matches but I haven’t uploaded them yet. So, I have another 3 matches. So fast! The first match was super long.

*Someone wanted Animal Rap to continue forever.

I: That’s tough. Endless stuffs are tough. It’s good because it ends.

Part 9

[botwstoriesandsuch]

I saw someone doing a fanfiction appreciation week and thought of you!! I really really like Parallel Phrases from you, so I thought I shall give you some appreciation!! - -Elsker virkelig arbeidet ditt!! <33

AAA! Thank you very much, I swear I am still working hard on it, as the plan is to post a song with each chapter. Anyhow, why not have a snippet?

"It's all really just...contradictory, isn't it?" Link rubbed at the words on his arm.

"How so?" Sidon eyed him quizzically.

"I......Well..." Link gripped the bottom of his chair, thinking over his words.

"Alright, so recently, I....remembered something. From my old life. 100 years ago, or even more...I dunno..."

"Mhm?" Sidon sat there with a patient smile, seemingly undeterred by Link's babbling, and the...very much unusual circumstances of his entire existence.

Link chewed his cheek. "Ugh, it's...Sorry, it's sort of embarrassing. It was just me and Champion Revali--at least I think it was him, although he acted completely different that how he is now. We were in the sky, he was showing off his gale..."

He was professing his love without any sort of hesitation. No biggie. No big deal.

He scratched his head, moving his fingers through the tangles. "I think....I think I remembered that I loved Revali. B-B-But he's! Y-You know!" Link shook his arm around wildly as if he was wrestling with a snake in his sleeve.

"He's dead! These clearly aren't his words on me! What's the point of me having a different soulmark if not because I have a different soulmate! And if I have a different soulmate, was Revali even....my....to begin with...What do I...? Which is the right option, if ANY of them?? Or perhaps I'm not meant to find satisfaction entirely?? Is he, or...who...them...you...when...R....I'm...."

Link hung his legs over one arm of the chair and rested his neck on the other, the cool metal providing a relaxing sensation.

"You'd think the whole tattoo thing would make everything easier to understand."

Sidon laughed cheerfully, while shaking his head.

"To think that the hero's greatest struggles would lie with a simple phrase. The sword doesn't quite rhyme with the word, as they say."

"Oh, trust me. I struggled plenty with Ruta and Medoh and--"

"Link." Sidon placed a hand on his shoulder. "It's not like that."

The hero gave a deep sigh, before sitting back properly in his chair. His boots squeaked awkwardly across the perfectly polished tile, and he cringed, shaking his head.

"Well, what is 'it like,' then? How'd you figure out things with Bazz? Or yourself? Or...is there some ancient Zora story that I can reference...?"

Now it was Sidon's turn to sigh.

"You know what the problem is, Link? I think you're far too concerned with finding an answer."

There was silence for a moment, Link allowing the rushing water around them to have their turn to speak.

"...Would you rather me find more questions? Cause if I find any more I might develop an addiction."

Sidon laughed cheerfully at that, but Link just crossed his arms. "I-I don't--What?! What are you even talking about? Of course I'm trying to find an answer! That's generally what one does when they have questions."

Sidon rose to walk around, still half chuckling.

"Forgive me, Link. I don't mean to tease you, so allow me to clarify..." He tapped a talon to his chin, thinking. "Take...me and Bazz, for example. I love him with all my heart. As children we had a sort of fake rivalry, but we grew and became the greatest of friends."

He waved both his hands around. "But when we found that the 'words of love' on Bazz were from me, we...I was a bit troubled for a time. I never saw myself as someone for romance, and starting something like that with my best friend made me...more sad than happy."

Sidon reached his hand out towards one of the waterfalls, letting the water rush down his fins. Link could barely make out the letter "W" etched in gold under his fin.

"So I simply didn't, uh, 'romance' him, for lack of other words. Was it the right decision? Was it the right answer? I wasn't sure at the time, but what I did know was that the decision made us both happy."

He let his arm fall, water dripping on the floor as he waved his hand again, cheerily. "And of course, now, we all know it was the right one. Muzu was a bit confused, but Father was all too supportive. Bazz is my soulmate. With him, I am happy. He is my treasured friend."

In the time it had taken Sidon to pace around, Link and flipped himself upside down in his chair.

"See, but that's what I'm missing, Sidon!" He tilted his head, his hair brushing against the floor. "How were you so sure what to do?"

"I wasn't. As I said, Muzu had always told me soulmarks were a marriage thing--"

"Then what do you do if you are wrong, then?"

Sidon crouched down on the floor to meet Link's gaze--which was a bit hard considering his giant figure nearly had to get on his hands and knees.

"Link, my friend, you're missing the point." Sidon's voice was gentle, but firm. "Our choices, our actions, it was in pursuit of making us both happy. Magic words, bound souls--they don't complete you. They don't make you happy. I found happiness and contentment with Bazz, not from him."

He picked a blue ponytail from the floor, and hung it on Link's nose, playfully.

"This drama you've constructed for yourself, as unprecedented as your circumstances are, isn't the issue. You want an answer from me, from Revali, from some unknown soulmate, perhaps even from Hylia herself. And unfortunately I must tell you Link, you won't find it. You're never going to find it. Because completion, and victory, and destiny and all the sort...it doesn't come from anyone else's word but yours.

Sidon rolled up Link's sleeve, presenting his soulmark to him.

"The 'whole tattoo thing' doesn't make everything easier to understand, because no one, in all the powers of Hyrule, will ever understand. In all honestly, my friend, it's a gimmick, and it would be foolish to lay all conclusions of happy ever afters upon it."

Link's eyes flickered between his arm, and Sidon for a moment. He frowned.

"Everything sounds uplifting coming from you, but out of context, that's kind of a downer."

Sidon laughed. "I suppose, although I truly see it as the opposite. There is no singular solution that will satisfy everybody for all time. That is true freedom, is it not?"

There was silence, as Link fiddles with the ponytail around his fingers.

"...Do you think...anyone would even want to be with me? After everything? Am I even worthy of an answer anymore?"

Sidon thwacked Link's chin and he bumped his head against the floor.

"GAH!? WH--"

"Link. I truly must get Father to hire you a literary tutor, since it seems you are incapable of comprehension after 100 years."

Link stuck his tongue out, and Sidon did the same. They both chuckled.

Shaking his head, Sidon picked Link up by his tunic and set him upright in his chair.

"Very well. You want the answer to your woes? How about this: There is no answer, there will only ever be the never ending journey. Your life is not as unique as you think it is. It is full victories and defeats like everyone else. Chase after what you believe will make you happy, then win, or lose. And when all that's done--Start the chase again."

[miaxeu]

      though the mist might prevent some from seeing it, MIA STOEGER is actually a descendent of DIONYSUS. it’s still a question of whether or not the TWENTY-ONE year old MYTHOLOGICAL STUDIES MAJOR from LOS ANGELES, USA has taken after HER godly parent completely, but the demigod is still known to be quite CHARISMATIC & DUPLICITOUS. 

( y’all dont deserve this real messy intro but im workin w half a bwain cell at 4am so i beg thee 4 mercy. nywyy im the excited new girl who’s hella pumped to meet all ur charas : katya ! feel free to hop in my ims to plot or drop a like and i’ll hop in urs ! x  )

POWERS

natural acting abilities — her ma’s a hollywoo agent so she started actin real early & now shes a big shot actress. there r more deetz on her career below !

chlorokinesis — it wasnt as natural as acting n she only started working on it when she turned 13 n started going to camps. b4 she just noticed shes good w plants but it wasnt super crazy or nything. its p good now tho ! shes prioritizing vine binding and manipulation 4 the self defense bc awards r cool n all but they dont rlly protecc from monsters ykwim 

levitation — shes trying her best ur honor

alcokinesis  — she cant conjure it or anything, she’s just immune to it ffff

BIO POINTS — cw: drug use ( full biography here )

her mom raised her by herself bc dionysus the party god was out of the picture immediately. she never told mia she’s a demigod & it was always just “ wow ur so talented ” or “ aww u got a green thumb ! ” but when she saw him claim 13 y/o mia by placing a weird hologram over her head while she slept, she knew she had to spill da beanz & tell her kid

ofc mia thought her mom was jus playing sum weird acting exercise w her bc her powers r so lowkey she could highkey just be a Mortal but insert sad whistle, the realizashun & the claiming meant heightened monster threat !! so yea ,,, one ended up chasing her a couple days later rip 

aside from the trauma, mia was ok. mostly bc she ended up cryin for dionysus like any child would n lo & behold he came & helped !!! as he should. nywy she made sure to go to summer camps every year after that but mostly just for protection purposes

she lowkey rlly hates this whole god business esp now that shes grown lmfao deadass thinks she got a bad deal bc life threats arent sexy !!! went to eonia eventually bc its Too Much Man. she just wants to go back to work and her life w the mortals w/o worryin for her life. would deadass fade her father if she could. may or may not be majoring in greek mythology to figure out the logistics of it all out of spite, who knows !

PERSONALITY

not ! a Drama Queen  —  dont get me wrong, shes hella Extra in the way she moves n acts sorta like shes always bein captured on film. is quick-witted & playful & can be a huge tease/flirt if she feels like it, but miss her w Real Feelings ! totally not sentimental. srsly she will try to rationalize away everything and is just,.,., not good w it. so soz folks, we just keepin it breezy here

ugh, she’s an Actress — aka she can act like she cares tho ! shes very much into keeping ppl on her good side. shes friendly n palatable to everyone bc its how shes been trained & while it doesnt seem fake, its def diff when its genuine

The Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known —  lemme circle back to the first one, ok so shes good w emotions but only in theory. does intense character work with her roles so she thinks that counts as her having eq when rlly shes just emotionally stunted, projecting n repressing like an idiot

blonde, skinny, rich, & a lil bit of a Bitch — shes only a bitch inwardly or to ppl she trusts enuff to let in on the gossip. if anyone full on opposes her or becomes real emotional, then this lil diva will rear its superiority complex head n snap a lil. will most probably do it v underhandedly n w a smile but it will be Brutal

girls just wanna have FUN ! — shes the child of da party god, so ofc she a true party girl. officially off the rails when she parties. inhibitions ? we dk her. can be insensitive in that case bc smtms its truly no strings attached, tis all abt the fun. likes company a lot & it doesnt even have 2 be loud or particularly abt her, she just likes having people around n the escapism of it all. will make friends with everyone n make sure they have a jolly fun time guaranteed at dionysus parties 

Work Hard, Play Hard — real responsible when it comes to work and commitments and if she trusts/likes u enough, she’ll give it 2 u straight, no bs. def thinks Calling Out is an act of love but maybe does it a lil too harshly smtms. v much into efficiency, sentiments be damned. not the feely words type. will sit next to u or party w u or even pay 4 ur therapist if u need sum1 to talk to. she will Be There while u work thru it, so long as u dont expect her to change n be all emotional n stuff

if she seems a lil contradictory thats bc she kinda is. tis the good ol nurture vs nature. her ma’s a real no nonsense chick n her pops is a frat guy drama geek greek god whos rlly into cottagecore so u get this lil blonde bitch whos sorta teetering on the edges

OTHER INFO  — cw: drug use ( full headcanons here )

re her career, she achieved pegot status when she was 18 aka she truly b dat bitch. shes not super mainstream famous tho, more like indie sweetheart, film snobs/critics fave typa gal. if ya want a trajectory she started w baby commercials then a sitcom from 4-10 ( think modern fam’s lily ) then it was off to the big screen & the stage ! 

mia has a lil bit of a drug habit. its not abusive or dependent, but it is a staple whenever shes parties bc alcohol is useless 2 her. started a lil young too bc hollywoo. primarily uppers/hallucinogens. she smokes weed a lil more liberally but the rest is mostly just an on occasion thing ( which, ngl, is a still a lil problematic when u party a lot rip )

after she got claimed, mia ended up going to demigod camps in a lot of diff places n countries, depending on where production would take her. there was never an established place, more like wherever was nearest when they wrapped up shooting bc monsters afoot n wutnot  

she was always homeschooled but she still managed to go to a prom and homecoming bc party is life. that makes eonia uni p much her first chance at having a normal educational environment & experience and even then its anything but. still tho this is her moment !!! im lit rally begging her to get a personality that isnt her internally rolling her eyes going “ its not that deep ”

might put up a bio/stats page if im feelin sxc but i wud jus like the records to show that mia stoeger is a bi sxc babe bc me ? write a het ? no grassy ass.

POSSIBLE CONNECTIONS — cw: drug use ( full connections here )

omg danny devito i love ur work ! 

,,, p self explanatory sdkjfs sum1 who loves her work ! it can be lowkey/highkey fangirl to a civil admiration

OR alternatively, y/m can Not Be a fan of her work. they might think the storyline of the projects she takes on r too out of touch n highbrow yada yada yada, but yes, we love to see either of it ! 

summer camp sweetheart !  

someone she met when at camp when they were teens ? doesnt matter in what country/city, but mia was only visiting so it was truly a one summer romance typa thing. bc she was younger, im thinkin 13-17 or w/e she was probably sweeter n a lot more emotional then. was it either’s first puppy love ? first kiss ? first “ relationship ? ” idk, do yk ? truly, so many possibilities. nothin set in stone just hmu bub 

summer camp pals ! 

p much the same as above but make it Platonic

party buddies !

or druggie pals. either way works but she wud luv it if theyre both xoxo

friends w benefits !

most probably ( but not limited to ) sum1 she met at a party skdjhsjk is it exclusive ? is any1 starting to develop feelings ? im down 4 nthing n evrything

alexa play true friend by hannah montana !

give mia her college bestie ! her confidant who knows her feels and can call each other out viciously with no ounce of resentment. we stan the friendships !

omg i love ur skirt !

that is the ugliest effing skirt i've ever seen. lmao basically sum1 mia pretends to like or acts civil w but rlly ,,,, Cannot Stand for w/e rzn   

im p much braindead rn but those are just sum ideas !!! ofc the usual staples like the pals, enemies, wutnots are also v welcome we love to see it. if u also have a wc that u think mia would fit in, id luv to know more ! there are also a couple more detailed ones here, but pls feel free to shoot me a msg n we can get 2 plotting x 

( * wipes brow * how did i type so much n say so little rip. mia is also a completely new muse so pls b patient n if i fuq up from time to time, pretend u do not see >.< nywy thnx 4 readin, sweets ! feel free to hmu here or at discord if ya wanna <3333 )

FULL INFO  ||  EONIA TASKS 

[bnhascribbles]

Better Late Than Never

Kirishima x Reader

Music AU, Fluff, Pining; A (late) birthday present for the vibrant @sunlikesthis!  Kirishima is precious and SO ARE YOU MY PAL.  YOU’RE FRIEND CAN’T FINISH STUFF ON A DEADLINE SO HAVE SOME FOOLS THAT HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM.

Words: 3K

Warnings: Swearing (only slightly because Bakugo)

The first thing that strikes you is the fact that it is absolutely freezing in the hall.  Then again, that was the case at all of these concerts; the AC always seemed to be cranked up to “Antarctica,” and the fact that your clothes are sopping wet only helps the chill seep into your bones that much faster.  The second thing you notice is that the lights are already out, the stage already lit up, the quintet already...performing?  No, they couldn’t be—maybe they were just warming up.  With the lights off.  For a silent crowd.  You hang back against the wall, checking your phone and doing what you can to cover up some of the light from the screen.  When you see the time, it takes all the restraint in you not to gasp over the sound of the group onstage.

You were late, and not in the fashionable way either, if that rule could even be applied to musical performances (it can’t).  The rain—it must’ve been the rain.  People always forgot how to drive when the sky got even a little cloudy, and you could never trust buses to arrive on time, even on sunny days.  You thought you’d accounted for that.  Keyword: thought.

The musicians were already well into their piece and you’d just walked in and slammed the double doors behind you like some sort of moron that’s never been to a recital before.  You become acutely aware of the eyes on you—the old woman shaking her head in the corner, the mother and son glaring daggers at you as you just stand there, frozen and looking just a little too casual in your soaked tee and sneakers.  The way they saw it, you were probably the poster child for “what not to do as an audience member.”  Your head throbs, the weight of the sheer embarrassment threatening to topple you and create an even bigger scene.

With legs like jelly, you shuffle down an aisle, crawling over more than one frustrated concert-goer and sinking into the first empty seat you find.  You can still feel their stares though, and somewhere at the back of your mind, a little voice tells you to stand right back up and nope out of there before anything can get worse.  It’s tempting, but then again, listening to it would mean you’d have to do that weird seat-waddle thing through the aisle again.  Your shoes are full of water too—there’d definitely be some sloshing on the way out, and that wouldn’t really help make your escape any more subtle.  It would also mean you’d be breaking your promise to Kirishima.  That would be worse than any amount of embarrassment you could ever experience.  You might be a disaster, but you were a disaster that supported your friends, dammit.  That meant that your personal policy on tardiness at recitals was a bit more lenient today—a “better late than never” sort of deal.  

Hands pressed firmly to the sides of your face (like that’ll do anything to hide you from the looks), you peer up at the stage.  Kirishima’s there beneath the blinding beams of light, sitting right of center-stage with his trumpet propped in his lap.  He looks impossibly casual—in his element—even decked out in a suit and tie instead of his usual cargo-pants-and-crocs getup.  Casting a quick glance at Bakugo across from him, then to his music below, Kirishima lifts his instrument to his lips, begins to play.  You’ll never understand how he does that, how he just performs and forgets about the hundred pairs of eyes trained on him while he does it.  You know from experience (some of it very, very recent) the way that any sort of attention could shake a person, make them feel like they’re breathing underwater—dizzy and nauseous with lungs that can’t seem to do their job right.  But you suppose that’s the difference between him and you.  He’s meant to be a frontman: his sound is strong and his disposition perpetually sunny—he’s the sort of person that people flock to without even realizing it.  And of course he has to be humble about it; Kirishima couldn’t just be an egotistical jerk like Bakugo.  No, he had to be perfectly kind, perfectly charming, and perfectly out of your league.  In regards to friendship and...anything else.

Not that you need more with Kirishima.  Friendship is fine.  Friendship is awesome.  Sure, that intense look he gets whenever he practices makes something curl up on itself deep in your belly.  Sure, whenever he gives you one of those playful pats on the back, you wish he would linger for just a little bit longer. 

Sure, you can’t seem to shake the image of his hard body melting into yours—a fantasy where your hands are knotted into his wild hair, dragging him in closer as you gasp, finally begin to understand what all those long hours spent perfecting embouchure and technique were good for when he starts to—

But friendship.  Right.  Your friendship with Kirishima is perfectly acceptable.

The piece ends in what feels like a minute.  You barely notice.  It takes thunderous applause all around you to snap you from your trance, and you join in clapping before anyone can find another reason to accuse you of being disrespectful.  The group stands, instruments at their sides, and they bow, but you’re hyperfocused on Kirishima.  He’s squinting into the audience, nose crinkled and sweat dripping down his forehead.  Searching.  You can’t imagine it’ll do any good; you’re not in the seat you’re supposed to be in—the one he’d reserved specifically for you—and the blinding stage lights shining down on him probably don’t make looking for any one particular person easy.  Still, the silent moment of recognition that passes over his face when his eyes scan over your area of the crowd makes you think, just maybe, he sees you there.  Kirishima grins wide, lopsided, and you can feel your heart do a minuet in your freakin chest.  Because he looks good when he does it.  Really good actually.  And he isn’t looking away, even when he sits—when the rest of the quintet starts fumbling through their sheet music in preparation for the next piece.  

It takes a subtle, but firm, kick to the shin from Bakugo and a whispered something from Sero on his right to get Kirishima back in his “performer mode,” emptying the valves on his instrument and flipping through the paper on his stand.  Kaminari and Ashido turn to each other with these smirks plastered across their faces, and it’s barely a second before that earns a murderous glare from Bakugo.  Their smiles don’t fade, not even a bit, but they shift in their seats, sitting up a little straighter.  The damage is done though—you feel fuzzy and hot and hopeful.  And maybe you’re reaching, but you think you see a bit of a pink color creeping up Kirishima’s neck.  That’s only fuel for your fire.

The rest of the concert passes in a blur.  You can’t say you exactly remember standing up for the final applause, nor elbowing your way out the hall and into the lobby, nor walking outside and looping around the building to stand, shivering at the backstage entrance.  Your damp clothes feel like they’re covered in icicles by the time someone finally swings open the door, nearly knocking into you in the process.

The encounter is a surprise for both of you, so much so that for a second, you’re seriously concerned Ashido is going to use her French horn case to bludgeon you.  Thankfully, she only gets as far as drawing her arm back in preparation for the swing before a bit of light from inside reaches your face.  Ashido lowers her “weapon” and clutches her chest in relief.

“Oh my god,” she pants, leaning on the doorframe for support, “oh my god, oh my god, you scared the shit out of me.  I thought you were gonna murder me or something.”

You swallow hard, choking down most of your own shock before speaking.  “I could say the same for you.  Do you always swing first and ask questions later?”

Ashido lets out a short laugh, having caught her breath a bit.  “Only when the other person looks like the fuckin’ grim reaper.”  She blinks and gives you a once-over.  “Seriously, how are you not actually, like, dead?  Or at least frozen?  You’re soggy and...where’s your coat?”

“Didn’t have time to grab it; had practice earlier today, so I ran home to drop my instrument then booked it to the bus stop.  I still wound up getting here late.”  You sigh, remembering the horror of it all.

“So you were late—big deal.  You know, it’s fine to miss a concert or two if you’re busy.”

“It is a big deal, Mina.  And it’s not fine to just be a flake when—.”

“—when Eijiro is the one inviting you.”  Ashido finishes your sentence, lips twisting up into a familiar smirk—mischievous and all-knowing.  Your brain shoots into panic mode at the suggestion, and you frantically search for anything witty or sarcastic or just plain contradictory to shoot back with.  You’re at a complete loss though, your mouth forming the words without any sound coming out.

“Just get inside already.  Things’ll never get interesting between you two if you die of frostbite now”  Ashido ushers you through the door and into the warmth, still doing absolutely nothing to contain her smug expression.  When you scowl, she rolls her eyes and gives you a gentle shove forward.  “Kidding, kidding.  Come on, ever heard of a joke?”

“No.”  You deadpan, peering back at her over your shoulder.  Ashido gives you another shove, and you’re about to tell her off, but before you can, you’re colliding with something—something that feels like a boulder wearing a suit jacket.

Kirishima grabs your shoulder as you bounce off his chest, steadying you before you have the chance to fall back too far.  Ashido cackles the entire way out to the parking lot—you can hear her shrill laughter long after the door slams behind her.  

“Hey!” Kirishima greets you a little too loud, obviously caught off guard by the whole scene.  It only takes him a second to recover though, and once he does, he flashes a toothy grin and gives your shoulder a friendly squeeze. “Fancy bumping into you back here.”  

You groan.  “Puns don’t suit you, Eijiro—leave em’ to Kaminari.”

“Aw, really?  I thought that one was pretty good, though!”

“Nope.  Stick to trumpet; if today’s concert is any indication, you’re way better at that anyway.”

He chuckles and ruffles his hair with his free hand, smile softening a bit.  “I’m glad you made it.”

“Me too.”  You say, a smile forcing its way across your lips.  That always seemed to happen when you were around Kirishima, and you like to pretend you don’t know already know why.  “The rain slowed me down so I wasn’t even sure I’d make it in time.  But better late than never, right?”

“Right.”

There’s a moment of silence between the pair of you—the sort that happens when neither person has the slightest clue how to continue the conversation.  You definitely weren’t going to be the one to say “see ya’” or “bye,” mostly because you really didn’t want to; Kirishima had been busy all month prepping for today, and seeing as you hadn’t even gotten to speak with him before the recital (once again thank you so much public transportation), you were seriously falling short of your “Kiri Quota” for the week.  Consequences associated with a failure to meet it included: an empty feeling in your chest, an unexplainable preoccupation with the color red, a sudden desire to google pictures of crocs, and the inability to stop thinking about how good his lips would feel if he’d just lean in a little and—

No!  Bad!  You need to stop doing this—stop daydreaming, stop making up these impossible scenarios in your head.  Your crazy games of what if were the reason these awkward silences even started happening in the first place.  

One little comment from Bakugo had been all it’d taken.  Seriously.  One exasperated exclamation of “just fuckin’ get together already” shouted in a drunken stupor had been enough to create a rift between you and Kirishima.  Which was ridiculous really, because if anything was meant to happen between the two of you, it would’ve happened already.  One of you would’ve abandoned all your fears of horrible embarrassment and a wrecked friendship and would’ve just gone for it.  That's the way it worked, right?  Because if it didn’t...well then, hell, you didn’t know what you were supposed to do.

The buzz of the lights is almost deafening.  Kirishima shifts in place while you clench your jaw tight in a desperate attempt to keep your teeth from chattering.  

“Are you—”  You both begin at the same time, then stop abruptly.

“You first.”  The two of you do it again, laughing nervously when you end up copying each other a second time.

“You cold?”  Kirishima offers.  You raise an eyebrow and his eyes drift down to your folded arms, hands nestled tightly beneath your armpits.  The moment you notice his gaze, they fly out, adopting a frantic, placating gesture.

“Oh, I’m fine!  My clothes are just a little wet from earlier and you know how the staff likes to turn up the air, even when it’s negative whatever degrees outside.”  You shove your hands back to their original place.  “It’s alright—really.”

Kirishima nods like he understands, but still pulls his hand back from your shoulder and shrugs off his suit jacket.  

“Eiji—”

He cuts you off before you can finish.  “I was actually thinking it was hot in here.  Besides, I’m gonna be hauling chairs and stuff and I don’t need to sweat while I do it.”  Kirishima reaches around you and places his coat over your shoulders.  “So this works better for both of us, right?”

You huff, but that’s the extent of your complaining.  Because it is warmer—you can still feel the residual heat from Kirishima’s body lingering in the fabric.  You try to pretend that fact doesn’t make the hairs on the back of your neck prickle.

You clear your throat, resolving to ask your question and distract yourself.  “Are you sticking around to pack up?”

Kirishima sighs, heavy.  “Yeah.  There’s not a ton to do, but Katsuki will kill me if I leave before him.  As it is, he’s already pissed that Mina bailed on us.”  

“I can help if you need a pair of extra hands.”  You offer.

“Nope.  You’re my guest, so I’m not gonna have you lugging around our stuff for us.  That’s what Hanta and Denki are for.”

“But I’m—”

“We’re good.”  Kirishima assures you.  “With the four of us, we’ll have it done in, like, 10 minutes.  Just hang tight and, if you’re willing to wait, I’ll give you a ride home.”  He extends his hand outward towards you.  “Deal?”  

You take it, but make sure that he can see you rolling your eyes when you do it.  “Fine, I’ll wait.”

Kirishima gives your hand a firm shake.  But once that’s done, he doesn’t let go.  When his thumb brushes up against your knuckles, just barely there, you tell yourself it’s chance—he has something he’s forgotten to say and he doesn’t want you rushing off into a dressing room before he can say it.  When he rubs at the bottom half of his face with his free hand, covering the beginnings of a blush, you convince yourself it’s because he really is hot—in the temperature sort of way, of course.  When his face seems to drift in closer to yours, agonizingly slowly, millimeter by millimeter, you discount that as...well, you don’t have an explanation for that yet.  At least, not one that won’t get your hopes up.  

Still, you can’t help it.  You find yourself chewing on your bottom lip and leaning in, determined to meet him halfway.

Before you can, a gruff voice calls out from beyond the stage door.  “Take your fuckin’ time, Kirishima!  Not like we’re waiting for you or anything!”

Kirishima practically throws your hand and hops back, expression looking almost guilty as he peers over his shoulder, then back at you.  Then he laughs, but it’s completely forced.  Awkward and full of tension.

“Uh, I’ll be right back.  So just—” he rubs furiously at his jaw, “—don’t go anywhere, okay?”

“I’ll wait right here.”  You say, scratching at the back of your neck and praying that your feeble voice doesn’t betray you.  

Kirishima nods and, as you watch him hurry away, your insides are churning.  Damn Bakugo for starting this fiasco, and damn him for not letting you see it through to the end.

Thankfully, you don’t have much time to feel sorry for yourself.  Kirishima groans just as he reaches the stage door.  He presses his clenched fists to the wall beside the doorframe, just for a second, then turns on his heel and faces you once again.  His expression is much different than it had been before.  It’s intense—like the look he gets when he’s practicing.  When he has a goal in mind.

“I’m sorry, I can’t do this anymore.”  He says, his voice gravelly and strained.

Kirishima stomps back over to you in a hurry, and before you have the chance to question him, he takes the sides of your face in his hands.

“Better late than never?”

You understand the meaning of the question immediately, and your pulse beats wildly for it.

“Better late than never.”  You exhale, pressing your forehead to his.

And then he kisses you.  Hard.  You suppose that his way of making up for lost time.

[maikatc]

Black Sun Tale | A Monochrome World

sorry for being a few minutes late! i took more time eating dinner than i expected, in all honesty. but this chapter is emotionally wild for me mainly because this chapter and the next chapter took 6 months to write out of the past year and a third i have been writing this. 

remember that this is a first draft with only minor edits, but enjoy! comments and reception are always heavily appreciated.

- 

He carried a bag of bread in his hands; his mouth stuffed up from slabbing some inside. As he strolled along an abandoned streetway, the evening sky darkened early with the Fall. 

A gentle breeze blew against his cold figure. Posters dawned over him without any movement, staring at his lonesome walk. ‘Open’ lights illuminated from store shops but flickered at every step. 

Ayu sighed from the cold silence. His eyes stared blankly at the ground while his feet made a pattern with his steps. 

He bit off of the bread in his mouth, chewing, “November 16th, 201X: It’s a Friday so Annette’s busy with a life. Everyone was at school so nobody really visited again.” 

He glanced back at what he carried, cringing. 

“I was… getting kinda hungry again.”

The only reply was a pigeon’s squawking. 

He was tempted to squawk back at it, but passed it off to not get attacked by one again.  

He changed his subject back. “What would it be like if I was still in school…?”

Maybe I’ll be as busy as Annette, “but wouldn’t that steal time for what I’m supposed to be doing,” he questioned. Might as well have that 1% chance of getting a monster anyways. 

He turned a street by routine. “I can stick to art or something… even if I suck… Same goes for monsters though so fuck.” He groaned, “Shouldn’t have asked in the first place.” 

He delved into another bite. His failures passed through his views. And after glimpsing the mistakes and mishaps, a single truth was formed from his choices. “Nobody notices that I’m gone… or exist so,” he wondered. Shrugging, “If I die or something, it wouldn’t matter.”

But the truth stopped Ayu’s steps while he chewed on his bread. He squinted his eyes against the truth. … Can everything just undo itself?

The boy whined, “Damnit, that’s actually a good thing.” He kicked a can. “But what if it just continues,” he asked a passing bird. 

It ignored him. 

His mouth lowered. He grumbled to the bird, “I’m not doing anything else, I guess. It’d still be my fault but… that’s just running away from the problem.”

He cringed at the thought. Then, he breathed in and out, tapping on an irritated ankle. “You really did start to bruise up, did you?” 

At least the mark on his face disappeared. 

A stifled laugh chimed in Ayu’s ears. “Very interesting. Reckoning about dying, I see?”

The boy’s entire mood transformed to irritation. Bored again, Akeldama?

Red eyes rolled in front of him. “You can say so. It’s just that you caught me by surprise.”

Ayu scoffed, “Of course, you go and read my mind…”

“How are you companions doing?”

“Everyone’s lives still suck.” He grabbed another bread roll from his bag. As he chewed, he questioned, “You’re the one who made Oliver like that, right?”

The answer took longer. “Now then… That’s more complicated, I suppose. But regardless, he was unintentional.” He chuckled, “Misfortune is a given for me after all.”

Ayu glared. “Then did your misfortune caused all of this?”

“No,” Akeldama answered, “that was from your naivety and folly-ness all the way from when you trusted me.”

He took a final turn, gritting his teeth as he growled, “Get out of my head.”

“Don’t worry, I will,” he purred. “Besides, you have a guest.”

Ayu entered the alley, mumbling with his bread, “A what? - Oh…” He gripped on his bread bag with hesitance, pausing on his next bite. 

Oliver sat beside the alley wall, seemingly waiting in patience by twirling his hair. His eyes shifted back to Ayu and blinked back at him. 

Ayu hid his bag despite Oliver’s eyes already on it.  He gnawed on his cheek. 

Oliver’s face flattened. “You know you could’ve just told me you wanted some food.”

Blinking around, Ayu shook his head and placed his half-eaten bread back in the bag. “You haven’t been here since last weekend.”

He sighed, “Fair point.”

“Besides, it’d be annoying to beg for food and water all the time, mainly since I would’ve been asking from a single person for some years.”

“But to the point of stealing?” Oliver gave a smirk. 

“First off,” Ayu retorted, “no offence but you’re the one saying this.”

Oliver scoffed. 

“Second,” Ayu raised a finger without thinking. “Yes, I feel bad for it either way but nobody even notices.” 

The opposed argued, “I try my best not to do what I have to, thank you very much.” He shuffled an item he hid with his coat. “That and you’re lucky now. I can give you food whenever.”

Ayu raised a brow. 

“Including this stuff.” Oliver carefully placed his items in the center between them: a jar of pineapple cubes and a small container of something Ayu couldn’t read. “You had a bruise… so I looked it up what could help.”

Ayu stared at the goods, surprised at the idea. 

“Luckily, I already had the aloe vera,” he swept away from his stare, “but I’m kinda hoping you can borrow it-.”

“Thank you.” Ayu touched back on his previous injury; it had already disappeared from the few days. “Thanks…”

“Oh,” Oliver pinched up. “You heal quick.” He tilted his head down, pulling the bangs of his hair back. 

“No, it’s fine,” Ayu blurted, “it can be good for… my ankles.”

“Your ankles?”

“Yeah, my ankles.” Ayu pointed down at his legs, focusing on his bruise marks. “I kick ‘em sometimes without thinking about it when I’m walking. But I’m just dumb with it.”

“Not so much dumb,” Oliver mumbled. “They don’t look well, now that you pointed it out.” He already began opening up the aloe-vera. 

“Ng- you don’t need to do that right now!” Ayu backed away from Oliver’s hands, glossy from the gel he scooped up in a mere second.  

The redhead leaned into a crawling position. “What do you mean? Your ankles are almost purple now that I can see it!” He grunted his last words as he grabbed a bruised wound with a pounce. He applied it in an instant; making Ayu’s spine run cold. 

Ayu hissed, “Shi- why does that feel so weird?” His ankle froze in place to resist the urge of kicking Oliver back. 

“It’s just cream, Ayu. And it’ll help you not have shitty health.” Oliver grabbed another handful for the other leg. “And don’t try to kick me out or something; I don’t wanna deal with an injury I don’t know how to hide yet.” 

“That sounds like something to worry about inste– seriously, how much do I need of this?”

“Just enough to make a nice solid shield with the aloe,” Oliver chuckled. 

Ayu cringed. “Stop. Please.” 

“Come on, it’s almost done.” Ayu groaned in discomfort; Oliver then let go and closed off the cap. “There, that was quick, wasn’t it?” 

Ayu huffed, “Shut up,” as he tossed his bread to the side and pulled up his hood. 

“This wasn’t even what I was here for,” Oliver stood up and pulled off Ayu’s hood immediately. “I talked with Alice and she said you can come with me this time.”

“You’re telling me this now?”

“Yeah and we’re going now,” the boy dragged off from the alley’s view. “I gave her a specific time and this just made us derail from it; she’s waiting.” 

Ayu scowled from Oliver’s behavior. Though, the concept of getting more answers still tugged over his will. He shook his head, setting himself to forget the previous two minutes that unfolded. “Alright,” he toned out, exiting from the alley and passing Oliver, “let’s get going.”

“Ayu?” He turned back to find Oliver pointing the opposite direction. “It’s this way.”

“… Damnit-”

***

“So, continuing on with our conversation-”

Oh god, Ayu groaned in his head.

“Did you say something?” Oliver turned with a confused face. 

“It’s nothing,” Ayu quickly brushed off. And Oliver walked on without a second breath after.

“I wonder, did I just see a command or-”

What do you want, Akeldama?

“Oh, not much,” he clicked, “But I’ve been meaning to ask: how do you think of your companions?”

Why would you want to know?

He giggled. “There can be a million reasons why, Ayu. You can never know what it could be with one’s feelings and words. Too contradictory.”

You have feelings? 

Akeldama never answered the question. 

“I want to know how you’re doing with your relationships. A simple thing of the heart.” 

Ayu sighed, Annette and Oliver are cool, that’s it.

“… What about Oliver, after what you’ve discovered?”

Ayu held his breath. I don’t want to answer. 

“Alright,” he calmly replied, “why don’t you then?”

I- I don’t know what to think of him.

“Ah, a flight of feeling I see-”

Why are you making me answer questions when you won’t give me any when I ask?

“Oh,” Akeldama replied. “So that’s what you want, huh? -”

Don’t make it a wish, I swear.

“Relax, I wouldn’t waste a wish like that.”

Good. You’re never useful with the wishes anyways. 

“So, you’re saying it wasn’t useful of me to save you from death?” Akeldama laughed at the question.

Depends on how you think about it- Arg! Ayu screamed inside. Can’t you just give me something to work with here? 

“… Something?”

Yes, something. 

A tinge of silence lurked as Akeldama’s reply disappeared. Until, “Well, I suppose I can give you something.”

Ayu blinked. Really?

Akeldama hummed a nod. “Now listen closely,” his cheeky tone began to linger. Though, Ayu focused more nevertheless. “Have you ever heard of demons?”

Ayu shook his head, a baffled face on him. What? What do you mean by that?

“No, no, no,” he repeated, “That’s all I’m giving you.”

Ayu scoffed with a stomp. You little fuck, that doesn’t solve anything! He would have continued though his stomp caught his own attention to worry about Oliver’s. 

However, Oliver continued to walk along with him. Relived, thank god, he didn’t notice.

“You’re welcome.”

No, you don’t get a ‘thanks’. You didn’t help.

“You simply told me to give you ‘something’, so I did just that.”

Something useful! –

“For future reference,” he finished. 

Ayu kicked a rock in frustration, but the momentum caused the stone to bounce back and hit his leg. “Shit,” he hissed. Akeldama laughed at him. 

You’ve never been useful.

“Come on, I always try to be,” he pouted. “Even if it’s just for myself.”

You’re terrible. 

“Yet you put up with me,” his tongue slurred at the ‘you’. “Contradictory.”

I can’t even get away from you without solving anything else. Ayu’s words laid lethargic. 

“Then do something about it,” Akeldama told him. 

How?!

Akeldama nipped on what to say. “Well, being more assertive is one thing.”

Ayu scoffed. Don’t even know what you mean by that. 

Akeldama sighed. “Simply asking and begging for answers isn’t going to get you anywhere. You have to be firmer, more aggressive to get what you want.”

I…-

“Just imagine holding someone by the throat; threaten them. It’s that easy, even with me.”

I, Ayu’s heart sank in fear, I can’t do that.

“Of course, you can. Give it some time and it wouldn’t take you a second.”

I could never do that. His hands formed gripping fists. Glass that never existed broke against his fingers.

Akeldama’s voice grew vacant in Ayu’s head. A short silence loomed upon him waiting for the being to mock him or leave once more. However, a short, stifled laugh choked out of him. “Oh, oh really?” His voice rang in aggressive sarcasm. “You’ve already tried to kill so many monsters and allowed so many to die.”

Stop.

“You- you beat Oliver without a second stop of breath-”

I SAID STOP! Ayu screamed. 

The world froze for a greyish moment then. All while Ayu panted from holding his breath. Movement cricketed without Ayu’s notice. However, once the boy relaxed his bones and mind, fear stroke him again as he was greeted with monochrome. 

“Wh-what?” He breathed. He turned around and round, blinking in disbelief of his surroundings. Dead silence deafened him and his eyes stroked tears from no walking, no car fumes, nothing. Akeldama, stop this right now.

Reminded in a flash, Ayu bolted his head to Oliver with widened, vermillion eyes. The redhead stood frozen along with everyone else in the crowd. “No,” Ayu gasped. 

The boy stood at the peak of breaking down, almost crying next to Oliver out of a new disaster. Akeldama, please stop this-

“Oh, there she is.” The world breathed in color once more as Oliver pointed outwards in the streets. 

Ayu blinked with his eyes burning in red. The city life had returned to normal in the second of his crying breath. 

“I… What-?”

“Hey, Alice,” Oliver called out. He waved his hands towards an opening crowd. He walked to a certain woman in the crowd who stared aimlessly at the streets ahead of them. 

The redhead managed to grab her attention though it took time in the matter. However, once she’d quip her eyes to the two, she greeted them, “Oh, Oliver! Forgive me but your mobiles are always fascinating to observe.” 

She smiled at an ambulance tracking down a car crash. Oliver eyed the cars while Ayu caught up his mind to his own confusion. 

“Right…” Oliver said. “Nice to see you too.” 

The boy nudged Ayu forward as he whispered at him to smile, but Ayu stared in distraught. “So, Alice, this is Ayu.” Oliver mumbled, “As you already know.”

A glimpse of a glare was caught by the black-haired boy from Alice. His paranoia was not of help at the moment either as he stared back in worry. 

“It is nice to be of acquaintance with you,” she spoke down to him with a smile. Her knees wobbled in hesitance of something or other while she greeted him by hand. “You want knowledge, correct?”

He nodded akin to her knees. “Yeah…”

Trust her, a voice said. 

But I don’t want to, he thought back.

“And you’re gonna give me lessons, right?” Oliver brought himself to attention again. 

Alice replied back to him in a rush, “Of course! I was simply checking if I called the right college for the boy.”

“Just making sure.” Oliver patted Ayu on the shoulder. Only to then whisper to him with an eye on the distracted woman. “Don’t worry, Ayu. This probably won’t go wrong.”

“Probably?”

“They’re murderers. But I am too so there’s not much to expect.” 

“I…” The bluntness of the situation kept Ayu with no words.

Alice asked them, “Are you two ready to go now?”

“Sure but,” Oliver directed throughout the entire area, “how are we getting there anyways?”

The woman left a finger on her chin. “Oh right, you’ve only ever gone to Fowls unconsciously.” 

She stepped deeper into the streets, excusing the city-folk walking by. Snatching a book from her dress-pocket, she opened the tiny leather cover. 

Ayu squinted to see the book from a distance, to no avail of only tiny scribbles of words. However, to his surprise, a door appeared in front of her. No magic word nor smoke of a ‘poof’, the door merely stood at the edge of the sidewalk with no wall or house attached. The door itself held rough edges; its carvings rounded about like a simple drawing yet shaved in splinter points. From flowers to spades, the entrance reveled in its old, wooden state. 

“Woah…” 

“Uh Alice?” Oliver raised his hand from the side. “Nobody here’s seeing this, right?”

Alice turned back at them, hiding away the book yet again. “Yes, we’re nonexistent to them at the moment.”

“Isn’t that what I wish for,” Oliver muttered. 

Ayu chuckled, “Isn’t that a shitty wish?” 

Oliver cocked his head to Ayu as he shook his head. “Ayu, are you a telepath or what?” 

“Huh?” 

“Boys, we mustn’t waste too much time here.” Alice opened the door to reveal another area entirely. 

Oliver growled at her demand. Though, he walked on ahead anyhow. “I’ll tell you about it later,” he told. 

Ayu nodded back, without a clue of his question, and joined him. 

The boy entered into the new world with a dry gulp. Not needing to adjust his eyes from the grey skies, he gazed at the wide view ahead of him. So, this is where Oliver’s been, he thought. A field laid before him carrying layers of long and short grasses that glistened with a desert green hue. An endless valley of trees ran down the horizon up ahead. No sound tickled the boy’s ears and instead tickled his legs from plants below. The grey skies must have left room for fresh rains that would drip over his messy hair and water the vast land of unknown. He pondered if any fruits and berries grew, or if there was a house that would carry any sweet smoke from the forest ahead-

“Ayu, are you listening?” Oliver poked him by the side, making Ayu jolt. Ollie shifted his eyes to Alice, who walked ahead of them on a lecture. 

Ayu blinked. “She was talking?”

Oliver rolled his eyes. 

“I didn’t know she was talking,” Ayu searched for excuses in his head. 

“Yeah, I noticed.” Oliver smiled, almost seeming to laugh. “You had a kinda space-y face.”

“No, I didn’t,” Ayu retorted. “I just thought this looks… cool.” A tint of red darkened onto his face. He tugged a chunk of his hair in the process. 

Oliver moved his hand from pulling on his hair, carefully so. “Suit yourself,” he noted. 

He shook his head from the conversation to focus on the woman for once. A glance of Alice while she talked caught Ayu’s attention more than her speaking. Her fair skin with blonde hair seemed peculiar. Back to Oliver was the same. 

“You guys look nothing alike,” he stated. 

“I know, right?”

“Well to be precise,” Alice finally stopped with her ramblings. “Oliver gets almost everything from his father.”

Oliver spoke back, “Oh really?”

She continued, “he was exactly as I hoped to be truthful. Though I admit there were some errors in the process.” She lifted her hand to almost make contact with Oliver’s head, though he pushed it back. 

“Don’t touch, please.” 

She hesitated to put the hand down, but did so willingly. “It’s nice that my son is in his image, isn’t it?” She walked a few steps forward and changed the topic. “Eilwen will be here any minute, Ayu… Unless she’s hiding around here.”

“Hiding?” 

“Eilwen, show yourself!” She turned back at the boys, “Forgive me, she isn’t quite… fond of new people.”

“How,” Oliver queried. 

“She likely,” Alice dotted her fingers together, “has been watching us.”

A rustle came from the long grasses ahead. Some crinkled and fell over from age with empty impact. Though, the grasses moved along as if they were curtains, revealing the figure behind them. 

“Now, you didn’t have to word it like that, Cecily.” Her voice did not chirp like Alice’s. Rather, she spat with a nasally tone.

“Oh, Eilwen, come over here!” 

The new woman trudged her way over to them. The view of her cleared the closer she came over. A baggy, oversized coat of a brown plaid covered up her whole body past her knees. Sleeves dangled over her nimble, gloved hands. With those hands, she then adjusted the bell-shaped hat against her short and messy hair. Her appearance was more apparent than Alice’s typical beauty.

Once she arrived, she matted her coat, swatting some grass flakes in the meanwhile. 

“This,” Alice started, “is Eilwen, Ayu. She’ll be the one to tell you anything you’d like to know.”

Eilwen greeted him with a stink-eye. She crossed her arms as she huffed, “It’s a pleasure to be of service to you.”

She brought more of a threatening presence than Alice, that is for sure. “Nice to meet you too,” Ayu stuttered. 

Eilwen tilted her head, “Come with me.” A door appeared right beside her, a darker wood than the previous one. She opened the door as it shared a peek of a dark abyss of a room. 

“Don’t be a show-off,” Alice murmured. 

Eilwen began entering. “Now, it’s not my fault that you don’t memorize.”

“It’s a part of my magic!” She argued.

Oliver tapped Ayu yet again before they separated. “Okay, so she might be giving you a death glare but you’ll be fine.”

“You sure?”

“If not, you can always punch her or something,” Oliver shrugged at the suggestion. 

The advice made Ayu squirm at the violence. Nothing seemed comfortable at the moment. No help matted the situation. All there was, was a deep breath before he stepped into the chamber. A soft goodbye could be heard in the distance but his attention arrived once the door slammed behind him. 

Ayu jumped at the sound but whisked his head back around after shaking a tad. The room was small and dark. Black shaded the walls and floor, creating white outlines that were the corners and creeks. In the middle carried a single table unable to hold one’s food but instead a flamed light to illuminate the space. 

“Now,” Eilwen started, “you don’t know anything from what I recall, yes?”

“I- What do you mean?”

“Akeldama, of course.”

Ayu gasped with the tiniest air he had. “So, I was right!”

“It appears you were,” she slides in, “–with how obvious it was– but how much do you know of magic?”

“Huh?”

“How much do you know of him? Or anything of his motives?”

“Uhm…” Ayu twiddled his hoodie-string. “I don’t know? I just know he’s an asshole?” 

“Oh, we all know that,” she threw a hand. “The question is why are you the one he prioritizes, but even you don’t know anything of it.”

“Yeah? That’s why I came here.” Ayu stated, “I want to know.”

Eilwen sighed to then rummage her hand through her big pockets. “Alright then,” She raised up a pocket watch out of it. “This toy will show visions of the past to help guide through what I can show.”

“Really?!” Ayu’s face lit up and moved over to view the tiny watch. 

“Yes– really.” She moved her arm up, now out of his reach. Her face showing signs of irritation, doubled. She grumbled in her words, “I hope to be of help.”

-

Ten Dollars | Bread and Water | Red Eye | Crimson Capture | November 1st | A Mother | A Demon | A Child | The Wolf | Bloody Fingers | Next >>>

[ghoultyrant]

FoZ Notes 22

Okay, here we go, final volume of the series. Not likely to be much added value here, but I took these notes regardless, so I’m posting them.

---------------------------------

We open with a bit about Brimir and Sasha, showing he put the Lífþrasir rune on her to potentially avert catastrophe while really hoping he didn't have to do so. It seems to be implied he doesn't want to get Sasha killed, but it's ambiguous and could be taken as him not wanting to nuke the Elves or something of the sort. Looking back after reading the rest of the volume... I honestly have no idea how this is meant to be taken.

The narrative refers to Colbert as being one of the 'rare realists' of Halkegina. That's... morbidly comedic in how grossly wrong it is, but there you go: Colbert is supposed to be a realist in the pessimistic sense of 'that sounds too good to be true, so it probably isn't true'.

Vitorrio apparently already knows that the place Saito comes from is 'the holy land'. I... have far too many questions...

Vitorrio dumps on us a backstory about how Brimir being God or Jesus-analogue is a lie and actually Brimir came from Earth and all magical nobles come from Earth having fled from the technology-using humans who are our ancestors. This is dumb nonsense, but foreshadowed dumb nonsense. Much worse is Vitorrio randomly claiming commoners haven't awakened to their magical power as an inevitable consequence of 'the blood thinning', where returning to Earth is supposed to be a solution. HOW???

If magic is a genetically inherited thing where breeding with non-mages is 'diluting' magical blood and reducing the portion of the population who can do magic, going back to Earth with it's technophile non-mage population is the OPPOSITE of a solution to magic power fading. Furthermore, how did we end up with mages in a minority in the first place? Did the original mages actually run away with a massive population of non-mages? If so, why? Were they slaves? SO MANY slaves that Halkeginia is predominantly non-mages? 'cause if so I have zero sympathy for the population that became Halkeginians.

Furthermore, Halkeginia is FILLED with magical races! If Vittorio wants to make magical humans the default form of human and the narrative is going to invoke magical eugenics while making Vitorrio entirely amoral in pursuit of his goals, the correct solution is to fight to overcome human prejudice against elves and orcs and other demihumans and in fact attempt to institutionally encourage cross-species breeding between commoners and assorted magical species. It's not like this series has been shy about sexualizing eg Tabitha's dragon when she's in human form, so you can’t tell me the series is shying away from bestiality undertones!

But no, Vitorrio's True Plan For Real This Time is literally to conquer Earth in some insane, nonsensical attempt to Get Magic Back. And of course nobody calls him on this being utterly insane nonsense that cannot POSSIBLY accomplish his stated goal.

Okay, and he also wants to conquer Earth to escape the Wind Stone-based catastrophe, with eyebrow-raising logic about how surely nobles will survive it just fine and only commoners will die, but seriously the magic genetics bit is blatant, horrifying nonsense, and it’s Vittorio’s inner thoughts so there’s no room to headcanon it as a lie or something else that would excuse this awfulness.

Also Vitorrio magically gets to drain Saito's life force as a side effect of opening the door. No explanation or justification provided. Just... loldrama.

This conveniently causes Saito to go into an Expositional Flashback™ in which he meets Brimir again and Brimir conveys that he's trying to kill all elves everywhere because "we can't understand each other", with this somehow supposed to be connected to magic stone catastrophe stuff. So, you know, stuff we already knew that doesn't make any more sense than last time.

When we cut back to Louise and company, we learn they immediately screwed off to wring their hands over Saito's unconscious form, instead of fighting Vitorrio’s horrible plan. Really?

Louise is explicitly willing to DIE to prevent Earth from being invaded... but no one entertains the notion of eg killing Vitorrio to stop his nonsense. Nah, they're going to try to talk him out of his insane plan. Really?

Henrietta is now using -dono when referring to Saito. Are you kidding me?

Henrietta and Vitorrio magically recognize a relatively modern pistol as being better than Halkeginian firearms... by just looking at the pistol laying around. Not testing it and seeing it has superior performance, or even remarking on something like it being made of parts too fine for a smith to pull together so precisely. Just... magically knowing it's good on sight.

Vitorrio also reveals that Earthlings have somehow invaded Halkeginian in ages past via a never-before-established natural portal between the world's, and now claims he wants to hit Earth before Earth figures out how to harness the Void (Why he thinks non-mages will be ABLE to do so goes unexplained) and attacks Halkeginian. This is ALMOST like a sensible, coherent motivation, but requires ignoring how contradictory and insane the premise is.

Turns out Vitorrio somehow knows for a fact that Louise can cancel the Wind Stone catastrophe, but is withholding this information from everyone to try to force people into going with the Conquer Earth plan. This is dumb, but plausible human dumb. Much dumber is the narrative talking directly to the audience to reveal that Julio is being left out because he's totally unsuited to deception and is actually a naive innocent sort... in utter contravention of literally EVERY prior scene Julio was in.

The Romalian church steals a nuke from under the sea, and Julio magically surmises its principles and informs Vitorrio that it's operating on Void principles. So... Void magic is now supposed to just be atomic shenanigans? I'm pretty sure the narrative previously heavily implied they're quantum shenanigans and regular magic is somehow atomic shenanigans. Consistency!

Pegasi are apparently a thing in Halkeginia. I don't think such came up before and it feels like a poor fit, but it's been a while since I last read so I might be forgetting something is all.

It's now being retconned in that Saito being the Lífþrasir familiar means that A: ANYONE using Void magic will tap Saito's life, and B: he will die in a matter of days for no good reason even if nobody taps his life force any further. Really? That admittedly makes the earlier bit of Saito collapsing into an Expositional Flashback™ a part of this retcon instead of pure arbitrariness, but this is a blatant, stupid retcon that cannot possibly be reconciled with prior events.

Derflinger is continuing to absorb magic while 'asleep', which I'm pretty sure contradicts what happened in prior volumes.

Also, Saito is perfectly willing to attack Romalian forces in an attempt to stop them from using nukes... but people continue to completely ignore any possibility of attacking Vitorrio himself. What is this garbage?

We get introduced to the Vysendal, Tristan's royal flagship built to carry dragons for the fight with Albion... which we somehow never heard about the many volumes ago it should've cropped up in. It’s basically a fantasy aircraft carrier airship.

Three loud knocks followed by two quiet knocks is how Agnes announces herself to Henrietta, apparently, and it's apparently forbidden for anyone else in the Tristainian palace to use this knock. O...Kay?

Bizarrely, Henrietta is of the opinion Saito would never cause trouble without a good reason. Attempted-rapist Saito, you mean? The Saito who has picked fights with people over issues of ego? That Saito? Mind, she barely knows him to be honest, but that just shifts the issue elsewhere. Hell, she even describes him as 'not hot-blooded', which is just laughably wrong.

We get introduced to Château d'If, which is an Elven prison. This is a little confusing given Elves have always solved these kinds of problems with exile or murder historically, but okay. Really, I'm more baffled by the French-sounding name, given Gallia is Not-France and the Elves haven't previously had Frenchness to them. In any event, it's an island prison off the shore of Eumenes, which... seems unlikely...

Also, it's directly named after a real place. Oh, and the narrative draws attention to the French naming, saying the name means 'prison island's in Gallian... but doesn't explain WHY it's named in a language Elves sneer at.

We get explicitly told only Elves that have committed serious crimes, such as treason, get locked up here. You know, the kinds of crimes we previously got told got Elves exiled. We also get told the island has been nearly totally abandoned by the Great Will (for some reason...) so Elves can't use Ancient Magic on it... except apparently the guards can due to making contracts of some sort, in contravention of prior Ancient Magic mechanics.

... and now Guiche is joining in on the 'Saito wouldn't make trouble without a good reason' nonsense train. He actually kind of knows Saito! Not only that but he's repeatedly projected his own shitty behavior onto Saito! He's very nearly the last character I'd buy this belief from!

The 'Great Will' is supposedly a giant chunk of magic rock (I forget if this already came up or if I’m getting mixed up by having run across some spoilers in earlier note-taking), and it grounding arbitrarily accumulating spiritual energy periodically is what causes the Wind Stone disaster stuff. We get this info from Brimir, with no explanation of how he drew this conclusion.

The story also throws in a line about how even blowing up the Wind Stones with Void magic isn't a valid answer because yadda yadda exhaustion. Honestly, this looks like a Suspiciously Specific Denial, like readers raised exactly this possibility, and the author is going 'shit, that's a really good point, but I can't have my intended drama if that's a valid answer so I've gotta invent a reason why it isn't'. Because seriously, with the scale of destructiveness Void magic is capable of, particularly considering how much the story is playing it up... yeah, blowing the Wind Stones up really ought to be a valid answer.

Compounding this is that Brimir explains his plan to prevent the Wind Stone disaster was... to blew up the Great Will. And it apparently worked. So the story is just contradicting itself; which is it? Explosions aren’t helpful, or explosions are helpful? It can’t be both.

Oh, and there's drama about how Brimir tried to explain his plan to the Elves, but they refused to move their city away from the Great Will so he could nuke it without killing them, with Elven leaders saying that if the Great Will wants the world destroyed then so be it and Brimir also remarking arbitrarily that the city at the foot of the Great Will would be the only place safe from the Wind Stone disaster so the story is kind of implying the Elves are actually going 'well, we'll be fine, so we don't care if you all die'.

Anyway, Brimir was pushed over the edge into nuking the area because his home village was slaughtered by Elves while he was trying to talk the Elves into letting him nuke the Great Will. So honestly this is revenge in part. (No explanation is ever offered for why they slaughtered his village, incidentally)

We also learn Sasha killing Brimir was in response to nuking the Elven city, and that Brimir let himself be killed, at least in part to free Sasha of her Familiar runes so the arbitrary death-by-being Lífþrasir won't kick in.

A recurring thing in this final volume is that the Gandalfr boost for just holding a weapon lets Saito function in spite of being heavily weakened. As in, he literally cannot stand, and then holding a weapon let's him walk, and in fact fight athletically.

There's a surprisingly clever moment during Tabitha and Saito's escape where she summons some water to use it as a reflective surface to check around a corner. It's just a variation on using a hand mirror to check around corners, but if characters had been using magic in this kind of way the whole time I'd be a lot more willing to overlook the series' many, many flaws.

We get told the Knights of Parterre are good at casting spells undetected... no explanation for how this works... and that Tabitha has mastered this skill, too. Ambush spellcasting is a neat idea, admittedly, but the context this is being invoked in is just confusing to invoke it in.

There's a bit about Elves being helpless if they can't complete magical chants. It's been a while, but I'm pretty sure previously part of what made Elves scary-powerful was that Markey needed to chant and Elves did not. Certainly, I remember for sure that Markey were chanters the whole time, which is conspicuously failing to be mentioned in this volume...

Aaaand now the story is saying Saito being emotionally moved by his rescuers (Louise not being among them, note) is helping to power his Gandalfr abilities, trampling on that whole 'powered by love' thing. Really? Like, it’s a dumb plotpoint, but undermining it by making emotions-in-general provide power has a lot of thematic and practical problems.

Vittorio's other name is Serevare, apparently. I presume that's his personal name, though it's not actually clear. I don't think this has been alluded to before. In any event, him spending a night praying is able to make mountains rise from underwater. 'cause Void magic. The exact justification provided is that he's specifically manipulating the magic Stone with Void magic, but this just raises obvious questions about the potential to use this capability to address the Wind Stone catastrophe, since those are also magic stones of the exact same sort. Sure, Vitorrio is lying about being unable to deal with the crisis, but nobody within the story notices this. Even with how low my opinion is of the intelligence of these characters, I can't suspend disbelief over this. It's a gaping hole in the argument Vitorrio is using to coerce Louise into helping him invade Earth. The story HAS to address this, and it doesn’t, instead stacking on drama scene after drama scene even as it rips out their foundations as they’re being pushed.

We get told Gandalfr powers can't actually compensate for lost vitality (even though that's exactly what Saito has been doing for a while now), but Derflinger can do so. (Never mind that he was re-acquired only minutes before this claim) Gandalfr powers can 'only' make Saito light as a feather. Yeah, just ignore this nonsense, it's just a crappy attempt to say Saito is even closer to death than ever before without actually impairing him in combat scenes any.

You remember how Derflinger has Convenient Magical Memory Loss? Yeah, while he was 'asleep' he got rid of that. Gosh. How convenient. And no, the story isn't going to try to explain why he didn't do this sooner, or explain how he knew how to do it now. Admittedly it's completely in-character for Derflinger to create problems for no actual reason while claiming to be helping... with the qualifier that's clearly not meant to be part of his character.

This is dumb and arbitrary, is what I'm getting at.

"Wow, even swords can cry." "No I won't, because then I'd rust." Wow, that's actually a great exchange that legit got me to laugh.

Holy crap, the story also remembered about crow familiars being used as serial scouts. That last showed up, what, 15 volumes ago?

Vitorrio apparently deliberately aims the portal at a US army base. At least, that's how Saito's internal narration presents it, but I'm pretty sure this is just the writer talking directly at the audience. This is presented as a sensible and intelligent course of action, which is confusing given I'd think Vitorrio would want to get his entire army on the other side before they had to face resistance. Even considering how intrinsically dumb his entire plan is, this is just confusing.

Turns out the Gandalfr killing their master makes Void magic go away. Because Reasons. So naturally Louise has committed suicide-by-Saito, to save his life. I cannot express in words how thoroughly I hate this stupid, monstrous, lazy culmination.

Then the story doubles down on the stupid, lazy, monstrous writing by having Derflinger commit suicide to revive Louise.

Bafflingly, Louise mourns Derflinger. I honestly cannot think of a single even marginally positive interaction the two had to justify this response. Like sure fine I can buy her feeling grateful for his sacrifice -ignoring how garbage everything about the sacrifice and its leadup is- but the story has her reminiscing about how he was 'always helping' and all. Conspicuously, where Saito flashbacks to a bunch of Actual Prior Events when mourning Louise's death, Louise doesn't name even a single incident in which Derflinger was helpful. So the writer can't remember any such moment either, and just hopes readers won't notice the lack.

Also, in literally the final volume, the place Saito was originally summoned finally has a name: Austri Plaza. Uh. Sure?

Cattleya gets convenient 'secret Elf medicine's to cure her incurable condition. So never mind that bit of respect I had for the series.

Louise permanently awakens to wind magic, because of course she does.

The elemental siblings show up, and we get told they're... vampire-human hybrids??? What? Did that crop up before and I just totally forgot?...

Oh, and Louise and Saito go live Happily Ever After in Japan after a bunch of drama is wrung out of Saito intending to first stay in Halkeginia and then more drama was wrung out of him deciding to go home even though it meant being separated from Louise. The story conspicuously fails to address how this could possibly work out well; Louise has pink hair, and is unlikely to completely avoid using her magic. She’s going to end up on an MiB dissection table in no time flat, frankly, not live happily ever after. This isn’t even touching on how messed-up it is for Louise to throw away her life in Halkeginia to follow Saito back; she has responsibilities of myriad sorts in Halkeginia. Heck, so does Saito at this point! Whereas back in Japan, the story has consistently indicated Saito’s parents are literally the only people who will notice or care about him going missing.

For that matter, there was this whole thing with Siesta, Louise, and Saito working out a three-person relationship, and while I found it cringe-y and was dubious because of the likely motives, this is just throwing that out by summarily cutting out Siesta. And also trashing the creepy, stupid crap with Tabitha and Henrietta loving Saito for no actual reason.

This ending is awful and antithetical to what lead up to it on so many levels.

-----------------------------------------------

So that’s it, I’m done taking notes on this series. I have a few things I’ll be saying in the coming weeks, but the note-taking is done, finally.

[ortegatrash]

Stolen Time

[A follow-up to All Things Must Come to an End]

Warnings: Major character death (?), body theft

You.

You just couldn't deal with it.

Maybe it's selfish. No, it is absolutely selfish of you to have done this. Not wanting to be alone.

You promised you wouldn't ever leave me again

Maybe you're just going insane. Insane with grief. Maybe you're alone with nothing but a thought-ghost, just like… just like Anathema.

It was simply a theory you came up with, casually chatting things over with Dr Mortum. What the implications of being able to take over someone else's body was. How exactly did telepathy work? Consciousness? Questions yet to be answered that could revolutionise the face of science's understanding of existence. As nerve-wracking as it was, you finally consented to sticking your body in an MRI scanner to monitor your brain activity while you took over your puppet.

The results were...unclear. Confusing. Often contradictory, going against all known science at the time. Mortum decided to do some further research but it turned out looking into what papers were published led only to dead ends. Or worse.

You finally realised it might be a touchy subject for some right around the time Mortum got shot. Lucky that the bullet missed anything vital but Mortum took the hint and decided to go into hiding for a few years. Not having access to the labs put a damper on any further investigation on your part and by the time Mortum found the risk acceptable enough to go out in public again you'd mostly had your mind on other things. You always figured you'd have enough time to get around to it together eventually.

'Eventually' turned into 'someday' turned into never. You've lost more than a few friends over the long years, an inevitable side effect of the job hazards in your line of work.  People end up in the wrong place at the wrong time. They get lazy, they start slowing down. Sometimes it's just accidents. Sometimes it's just bad luck, genetics working against them.

You're no stranger to death.

You promised you wouldn't abandon me again

Wipe away your tears on the sleeve of your borrowed labcoat. Well, can you really say it's borrowed when its owner isn't around to use it anymore? The thought makes you sniff a bit. Mortum wouldn't mind, you think.

It's being put to good use. It's all being put to good use.

Mortum peers over the lab results, looking troubled.

"Something up?"

A sigh. "Tell me, do you believe in the existence of a soul?"

You blink, you hadn't expected this line of thinking. "Getting philosophical here, are we?"

"Perhaps I am," Mortum mutters. "But I would say what we are looking into would more than justify a little pensiveness."

"I would have thought you'd be excited to discover what we can about my telepathy."

"I am, it's not...it's just. How can I explain this?" Fingers pinching a dark nose bridge.  "I don't know if we have the current words to explain what we have here, at our fingertips. Not with our current scientific vocabulary."

"You think what we have here is something more similar to...a soul?"

"It's merely a possible hypothesis. I wouldn't rule out anything completely until we have evidence that directly disproves it."

You don't have much time.

[C  a r   in õ?]

Cellular death in the brain should begin kicking in soon from the lack of oxygen, you need to work quickly. Before it's too late. Before they take him away. Before decay destroys what is left of…

No, don't finish that thought.

[Pl e a se,   wh  a t …]

The thing about being a telepath is that you understand how truly vulnerable the human mind is. How malleable people's memories are. Even your own.

Especially your own.

[w  ha  t   are y ou-]

Shut up, idiot. I'm saving you.

It's so dark inside his mind, you can already feel things breaking down around you. The ever-present electrical storm that has been a constant since you met him has finally died down into the faintest buzz. It barely tingles as you pass through it easily, he trusts you with his life. With his death.

You've never done something as monumentous as this before, but you don't have the luxury of practicing or getting a second chance.

The silence almost makes you more afraid.

[I  ]

He's still barely here, hanging on by the barest thread. For you.

[I lov eyo u]

I know. I'm sorry.

[…?]

Your vital readings are normal, if a little elevated. You might be a tiiiiiny bit stressed out right now. Alright. Take a deep breath. Maybe the last one you'll have as yourself.

Shutting your eyes and diving into your own mind feels like regret. Regret that it came down to this. You only hope that the machine will finish what you've just started.

It takes but a moment to let your own body slump to the ground, accompanied only by the sudden beeping of the machines you hooked yourself up to. Only a few seconds to take over the kind nurse who sympathised with you and decided to come investigate the sudden commotion. To swallow down the lump of guilt that threatens to overwhelm you, you didn't have time to drag your puppet here. You didn't think it would come without warning...

It's too late for regrets, now. Now there's only time to hook yourself up to Mortum's final, unfinished creation…

An artificial telepath, programmed to reprogram others. Alter their own brain chemistry and memories and hopefully, alter both your mind and the nurses' to be suitable hosts. Your only hope is that the scanning technology will capture enough of Ricardo's fading mind to have anything left to work with.

It doesn't matter if your own mental transfer is interrupted or corrupted.

Everything is dark in the in-between space where you are nothing but pure mental energy. But...no. There is the smallest spark of warmth. Familiarity. Confusion. You were right, Mortum.

Come here, you.

[W  ha  t  is  th  is?]

Just follow me.

Curiosity, but also trust. [...I' m  g la d   you'r  e  h ere.] A pause. [I f thi s is heaven or w hatever co mes after dea th.]

I think it's hell if it's with you.

[Hey!] The burst of indignant warmth makes you want to cry.

You lead him to the mental impression of your prone body, feeling him lingering for a moment.

Go on. I can't go with you.

[Y ou'll be ok ay?]

...Just fine, Ricardo.

The spark disappears into your body and you feel yourself growing weaker, struggling to remember where the nurse's body was. Finding it with a twinge of sorrow, taking the moment to remember what it feels like before you mentally shut the door behind you. You’re not a telepath outside your body.

Opening her eyelids and seeing your body slowly blink awake in confusion. Struggling to heave up off the floor. Eyes widening in shock and disbelief as your own face turns to look at you.

Wistfully, you smile, tears running down from stolen eyes. "I couldn't bear to be alone."

"What...what have you done?" It's a bit strange hearing your own voice breathe it out with such dawning horror, but the expression on your face?

It's all Ricardo's.

[harry-leroy]

21, 33, and 48 (for TEP?) Hope the writing on that and all your projects has been going well!!

Thank you so much for this, Macy! I sincerely appreciate it:) I’m going to tag @princess-of-france as well because I’m going to talk about TEP here a bit - it’s been a bit since we’ve screamed about our respective King Lear projects, (and I’m struggling real hard with mine) - (Hope R+J is going well so far!) 

21- Least favorite character to write? 

Hmm… can I say Edgar? (Am I allowed to say that?) He’s also my favorite character to write too, because I absolutely adore working with his character - there’s so much that can be thought into about his personality and the way that he carries himself - and a lot of that is up to interpretation as well. His character is not as clearly cut as Edmund is, which is why there’s a pressure taken off, but then as the writer, I’m having to fill in the gaps, which has been fun, but also extremely challenging. I want to make an Edgar that makes sense, but more importantly, one that has an impact in the story that I’m trying to tell. Sometimes I find myself going in circles with some of the things I’ve decided for his character, and then I find myself unsure on how to proceed, so he’s a character that I can get stuck with quite easily. He’s also quite contradictory to himself at times - I like to think of him as an enneagram 6 and leave it at that when I’m frustrated. 

I’ve had struggles with EVERY single character I’ve ever written for though - each present their own challenges, perhaps Edgar is giving me the most grief at the moment. 

33- Alternate ending for The Edgar Project? 

TEP originally had a much darker ending in mind, mostly just to match with the tone of the original play. However, I didn’t get to fleshing it around much because I decided that a much more hopeful ending would have a better impact and send a much better message to my audience, one that I would rather tell. The more I’ve worked on this project, the farther from the original play it has gone. TEP used to be very tightly wrapped around Shakespeare’s play, mostly because I was afraid of taking creative liberties with Shakespeare (it has to be done right and I can’t help but feel I’m doing it all wrong sometimes hehehe - I’ll get over it >-

That said, the ending for TEP as it stands right now: I’ve been playing around a lot with the idea of using Mahler 2 in this project - the ‘Resurrection’ symphony (a perfect cue word for TEP - at least for me) - until the very end, I see that it’s been played on an old vinyl, it sounds shallow, somewhat drained of vivacity, but Edgar loves that disc to death. At the end (and if this could happen I’d need some coordinating genius because somewhere) I’d love to have something live. I’ve also been toying around with how I want this presented too, and I’ve been leaning more and more and more towards something for the screen rather than the stage as there is so much more I could do with it - but I’m not entirely certain yet. 

48 - Three spoilers for The Edgar Project? 

(Here I shall present three ideas that I’m toying around with, but might change along the way >-

- I think (I think) I’ve got an actual title in mind for this project: I like ‘We That Are Young’. However, I’m still going to affectionately call this writing endeavor ‘The Edgar Project’ until I die so no need to change >-

- I’ve been toying around with this mental stuff that Edgar goes through, and also with the use of the other characters from Lear itself and how I can make them more involved in the play. So I was wondering (and I’ll toy around with it a a bit) if Edgar (or maybe even Albany) goes into some episode of believing that all of the people who had died really hadn’t. Edgar thinks he’s talking to Edmund but Edmund’s dead and it looks like Edgar’s talking to a wall. Something of that sort - I just thought of it a day or two ago, and I’m not sure if I like it, so we’ll see. 

- And as I mentioned before, I’m starting to feel like this might be better fit for screen, at least from a creative standpoint. I feel that there’s a lot more I can do with that production wise, but I’m determined to drive out its stage potential to the bitter end. 

Thank you again for these, Macy! You are always so kind to ask me things, so I appreciate it :) Always fun to talk about these projects! 

[ballandcone]

I’m absolutely enamored with your work, the emotion it elicits I can’t put to words, but I wish I could. Is it weird if I ask what the inspiration behind it is? I never seen something quite so unique and inexplicable and I’d love to know more about it

Thank-you!!

Here, from a few years ago, is an interview that Claire Donner of the excellent donnerpartyofone tumblr conducted with me via email:

Q: People seem to like origin stories. What is the origin of Ball and Cone?

In the fall of 1976 while in grad school, I made my first oil painting, a dreamy image of a small brick house with a tall cone standing just outside the open front door and, visible through a window, a blue ball in on corner of the warmly lit interior. (Neither object had eyes or feet.) In retrospect, I think it was about my anxiety over having gotten married just a few months earlier; I wasn’t quite all in psychologically. The following spring, I gave the painting to my best friend from high school Dell Trecartin and his bride Cathy as a wedding present. For many years, it resided in their basement rec room in Ohio, an enduring presence for their two sons, one of whom grew up to become the famous video and performance artist Ryan Trecartin. Years later, Ryan told me that the painting had fascinated him when he was little and that it influenced him more than any other artwork he knew of. After he finished art school, he appropriated it and took it with him to the various cities he lived and worked in with his entourage of collaborators and hangers on. And it came to pass that on arriving in Philadelphia some years later that it was stolen from the roof of his car, to which it had been tied. A tragic loss. After that I thought that I should make a new version of the painting. A few months ago I made a small drawing inspired by its memory.  I made the ball and cone more explicitly anthropomorphic than they were in the original painting. That was “Ball and Cone 1,” in which Cone looks in through a window at Ball, who is sitting on the floor looking sleepy and bored.

Q: The floor of what? It seems like the adventures of Ball and Cone always take place either inside an unfurnished architectural space or in plain air, but you almost never see the outsides of the buildings, or what sort of larger environment they are in.

A: What almost always seems to be going on has to do with relationships between inside and outside. When Ball and Cone are inside, they are looking out or in a process of going out. Their shadowy doppelgangers often are looking in at them. Crossing over the boundary between one state and the other is a recurring drama in Ball and Cone. Apropos of this, my mother sent me this bit about a psychological phenomenon called “the event boundary” (I forget where she got it from):

“Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was?

Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses.

Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what’s known as an event boundary in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next.

Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale. Thank goodness for studies like this. It’s not our age, it’s that stupid door!”

Q: Speaking of states of mind, it is remarkable how much emotion you seem to get out of characters whose only expressive faculty is a single eyeball. I have a theory that when the reader takes in the on-panel circumstances, they project their own feelings back on to Ball and Cone - but maybe that’s not giving credit due to your bold, stark cartoons. What is your secret?

A: Somehow the mind/brain system has a way of enriching what enters consciousness through your optical equipment and through your other senses. This is happening all the time whether you’re looking at “real” things in the world or images on a flat surface.  The excitement of comics is in the way the mind fills in a relatively meager sensory input to create experiences of extraordinary emotional, cognitive and imaginative depth and breadth. I like to play with how little is needed to make that happen.  One of the not-so-secret secrets of Ball and Cone is that they are like children in a perplexing, sometimes scary, sometimes fun world. I guess that’s something everyone has lots of feelings about. I know I do.

Q: This makes a lot of sense to me, because I often unconsciously superimpose the idea of “rods and cones” over Ball and Cone. Maybe this is also because their entire faces are composed of a single eyeball. It is interesting that their adventures are so emotionally charged, since the presence of threat is felt, but the nature of the threat is unclear. For instance, you have an episode in which Ball and Cone are actually murdered, but it doesn’t wind up being a big problem for them. Similarly, there’s a sense of intimacy between Ball and Cone, but it isn’t any clearer than the basic idea of a companionship; they could be siblings or romantic partners or in a parental relationship, but they’re not telling. Do you deliberately exploit this kind of vaguery for its emotional potential, or is the writing part of Ball and Cone more of a free association process?

A: Nothing I do with Ball and cone is conceptually premeditated in the way my answers here might suggest. I work out of some combination of image and feeling. What I’m trying to do most deliberately is making something funny. They’re not called “comics” for nothing.

That said, the comic is, for me, a kind of philosophical playground. It seems I tend to think in terms of universal sorts of relationships and situations. That’s why the comic is so abstract.  So companionship seems to me a kind of relationship that any two people can be in together. At first I thought that Ball and Cone’s relationship might be sexual, but then it seemed that would over-determine certain types of situations and events. It would be more about the relationship between them than about their relationship as friends to the situations that befall them and the actions they undertake. For Ball and Cone as traveling companions the possibilities seem more open-ended.

The experiences they undergo also are universal: being inside and outside; going from one place to another; watching and being watched; following and being followed; being bored, being excited; feeling safe and feeling scared; being trapped and escaping entrapment, and so on. The things that they do and that happen to them are things that all people do and experience.

A major theme has to do with being limited. They only have one eye each and they don’t have arms. Real humans would be like gods to them. But real humans are limited, too: why don’t we have eyes in the backs of our heads or four rather than two arms? Being limited is a condition of being. But so is over-coming limitations. Despite their inadequacies, Ball and Cone have some pretty interesting adventures.

Having said all that, it remains a wonder to me that they elicit emotional responses in me and in their readers.

Q: You are not from a comics background in the strictest sense, neither personally nor professionally. How did you decide to convert the concept of an old painting to an ongoing web comic? Are there certain comic artists that have inspired you?

A: When I made the first few drawings last April, I knew there would be more to come, but I had no idea it would become a web comic. A friend insisted that I start posting on tumblr, which I didn’t know much about. The comic format was something I played with back in the late 70s and early 80s. (See image, a pencil and gouache from back then).

I’ve always loved the comic style and the intersection of Pop, Surrealism and Psychedelia. Some favorite artists include John Wesley and Jim Nutt. From the comic world: R. Crumb, Daniel Clowes, Charles Burns and Lynda Barry. Too many others to mention here. And, of course, Krazy Kat.

Q: Indie comix have experienced a huge revival in recent years, but curiously, the most successful creators don’t reflect the hairy, wet aesthetic rebellion of the ‘60s underground, but rather the hygienic, adorable affectations of Japanese consumer imagery. Ball and Cone don’t really look like anything so easily namable as Astro Boy or Hello Kitty, but they are awfully kawaii on their own terms. If it was important in the 1960s to defy or pervert expectations of cuteness from cartoon characters, is it important in some different way to embrace or exploit cuteness now? What are your feelings on cute?

A: Of his time drawing cards for the American Greetings Corporation, R. Crumb recalled, “My boss kept telling me my drawings were too grotesque. I was trained to draw ‘cute’ little neuter characters, which influenced my technique, and even now my work has this cuteness about it.” Crumb seems abashed about the cuteness in his work, but without it I doubt it would be nearly as compelling. I think I would lose interest in Ball and Cone if they weren’t so darn cute. It’s kind of embarrassing, though, a grown man doing these cute little things. What’s that about?

               An interview with a philosopher named Sianne Ngai I came across recently went a long way to helping me understand. She wrote a book called “Our Aesthetic Categories: Zany, Cute, Interesting.” At the start of the interview, she explains, “I’m interested in states of weakness: in “minor” or non-cathartic feelings that index situations of suspended agency; in trivial aesthetic categories grounded in ambivalent or even explicitly contradictory feelings. More specifically, I’m interested in the surprising power these weak affects and aesthetic categories seem to have, in why they’ve become so paradoxically central to late capitalist culture. The book I’m currently completing is on the contemporary significance of three aesthetic categories in particular: the cute, the interesting, and the zany.” I love how seriously Ngai takes these topics and how much she unpacks from them. Here’s more on cuteness: “The asymmetry of power that cuteness revolves around is another compelling reminder of how aesthetic categories register social conflict. There can be no experience of any person or object as cute that does not somehow call up the subject’s sense of power over those who are less powerful. But, as Lori Merish underscores, the fact that the cute object seems capable of making an affective demand on the subject—a demand for care that the subject is culturally as well as biologically compelled to fulfill—is already a sign that “cute” does not just denote a static power differential, but rather a dynamic and complex power struggle.”

              Reading this makes me think that in making cute comics I’m doing something really important. But if I wasn’t feeling rebellious against the idea of importance – preferring the trivial, the silly and the stupid – there wouldn’t be much fun in it. It’s all very paradoxical in my mind when I think about it.

Q: Rebellion against importance sounds like a pretty good agenda. However, you come from a comparatively “important” high culture background, and your ostensibly low brow comic isn’t totally immune to its influence. For instance, the main threat in most of Ball and Cone’s scarier adventures is simply being seen, with multiple panels and story arcs revolving around being pursued, spotted and spied upon; the idea of gazing as an act of aggression is an obsession for lots of fine artists, photographers and filmmakers. Do you sense yourself importing ideas from other disciplines?

A: The ideas animating Ball and Cone that interest me most come less out of art than out of philosophy, in which seeing is a huge topic. The relationship between what we see – or, what we think we see – and what mind-independent reality  might be like has been endlessly pondered by thinkers from Descarte to Derrida and beyond. For Aristotle, a basic feature of human consciousness is a capacity for wonder and a drive to understand, which we satisfy much of the time by looking at the world and, metaphorically, looking inward. Most of the time, it seems to me, Ball and Cone are looking as if they’re just wondering what is going on in any given situation. They just want to understand. The gazes of the black Ball and Cone may seem possibly menacing, but it’s hardly ever clear that they pose any kind of real threat. But the dynamics of looking, seeing and being seen do have to do with power, as the seer usually has, at least momentarily, the advantage over the seen. So there is a certain political dimension that probably relates to voyeurism as a feature of modern life at least as reflected in photography and movies.

              Another kind of seeing involves not optical perception but an ability to “see past”  or “through” surface reality as registered by our senses.  That’s just something that cognitive intelligence does. Sometimes it’s called insight. You “see” some underlying pattern that is invisible to ordinary vision. Often the same thing may be seen in different ways, and seeing something one way may preclude seeing it another way. That’s what the duck-rabbit figure is about, a favorite topic for Wittgenstein. When  seeing from a singular perspective meets an apparently ambiguous reality that seems to change depending on how it is seen: that’s a moment I think I’m always hoping Ball and Cone will encounter, wonder about and try to understand by looking. It’s a moment when the nature of mind comes at least hazily into view.  You have to look in order to see. Then you see your own seeing.

               Then there’s the possibility of being able to see through reality as delivered by our senses to a metaphysical or transcendental reality that has no material being but exists nevertheless in some world-determining way. Nothing I’ve experienced in my life convinces me that such a realm exists, but I’ve always loved the fantasy of it. It’s a fantasy that urges a kind of mental adventuring, because as Hegel writes, whatever might be there to be seen will ever exist only be virtue of someone going there to see it:

“It is manifest that behind the so-called curtain which is supposed to conceal the inner world, there is nothing to be seen unless WE go behind it ourselves, as much in order that we may SEE as that there may be something behind there to be seen.”

I think that’s why windows and windows within windows – as well as doorways and other openings in the fabric of the picture – figure so often in Ball and Cone.

Q: One final question: everyone knows that young artists are probably just going to starve, so do you have any advice for young philosophers?

A: I love philosophy but I’m not a professional philosopher, so I wouldn’t know what kind of career advice to give a young philosopher other than, in the immortal words of Joseph Campbell, “follow your bliss.” The best advice I ever heard from a real philosopher about reading philosophy was from my friend Nick Pappas, a professor at CUNY. I mentioned in an email that I’d been dipping into Hegel and Heidegger and finding their writings strangely repetitious and opaque yet somehow hair-raising. I wrote, “Were those guys on drugs or something? They sound like stoners to me,” to which Nick replied, “H. and H. both have the stoner’s obsessive attention to – well, to everything.  And one thing I try to learn from them but especially from Heidegger and the best Heideggerians who came after him: not to be in a hurry.  Let other writings get to the point.  Philosophy is on its own clock.” I love that. We are obliged to obey hurrying clocks all the time. In art and philosophy, we can enter other, less utilitarian time zones. What, after all, is the rush?

http://ballandcone.tumblr.com/post/62988401247/my-name-is-ken-johnson-and-i-am-the-author-of

[blueskyheadleft010]

A few stray thoughts [Wrapping up watching Voltron S7]

But okay, first off I want to say this is obviously spoilery so don’t like, don’t read.

Also, my opinion will probs be a bit contradictory to most of the tumblr voltron fans, but bare with me here, I just wanted to point out some interesting things...

Okay so first, I just wanted to say the the ‘Family Feud’ rip off ep made me want to gag, and the only thing I liked about it was Pidge being smart enough to fool ‘Bob the host’ into letting his guard down so she could attack him.

Also, why? was it even needed? at all???? Honestly, the whole ep was like an animated bad work of fiction, and I seriously cannot believe the writers would pull this kinda crap so late in the series.

Moving on, there were points in the show that had me excited but there was also low points were I just wanted the story to move on and I felt like they were trying too hard to connect crucial moments and ended up adding in random junk because they had no idea what to fill in.

For example, the druid fight and finding Kolivan could’ve been shortened way down and honestly nothing would’ve changed.

Also, can we just talk about how Kolivan was being held? And (possibly) waterboarded?!? When I first saw that I was like, ‘woah, holy shit guys. That’s not okay. That’s not an okay thing to do/show’. That was fucking terrifying to watch, and even if he wasn’t being treated that way, the fact alone that he was being held in the air by rope in a very painful position is very scary and if Kolivan was real I would’ve been seriously concerned how tf he lasted so long without losing circulation to at least his extremities.

‘The Last Stand’ was where I began regaining my interest in the story as finally we got to see Sam back on Earth, and hot damn did he ever deliver the justice that the Garrison deserved. 

I also liked Iverson not ending up being a jerk, and was honestly just trying to keep the peace and do the right thing. It was a huge improvement, and whether or not he deserved this change in character, he reminded the audience that people can change and become better, which is something I can get behind 100%. :)

(Lol, tho I totally predicted the lady commander being evil. She had her head too far up her butt to see the light of day. Doesn’t mean I agree with her dying tho :U)

Anyways, I love how Sam just ends up taking the reigns, being an overall wonderful/kind man, and laying down the law just flat out instead of trying to play nice and let Earth be mowed over by the Galra. (Would’ve liked to have heard from other global powers about what their thoughts were on this whole plan, but meh I guess that would’ve been too crazy to write with everything else going on.)

What I didn’t expect was how long they were going to focus on the Garrison arc, and like, all the people inside. Like, that’s fine I guess? but it made me worry that we were going to be seeing something like Go!Lion or have another voltron team or something, and really the only 2 people on the fighter team we knew were Keith’s rival? and Lance’s sister, but the other people might as well have just been random civilians because idk what their background was other than they were good pilots. 

(also was the blond chick autistic or something? idk she just seemed a little less socially adept and more like a calculating computer, and god would I have loved it if they said she was and showed more about her and the other people because I can just sense a story behind them...)

It was cool seeing Earth tech and Altean tech work to make the Atlas, but seriously? SERIOUSLY?!?!? You just HAD to make another voltron toy to sell didn’t you Dreamworks? V_V

Why did you make Shiro be the pilot? Why did the Atlas have to become the new Castle of the Lions? How come Coran couldn’t help with anything aboard it? HOW COME THE SHIP DIDN’T FREAKING BLOW UP AFTER THAT FIRST SPACE SHOT?!?

All of this felt weird and odd, and like now that it is the new CotL, idk what to think. It’s just odd to have a bunch of military/space cadets running about on a ship and listening to young adults/teenaged voltron pilots tell them what to do to help in a war.

Also, how come we didn’t see anything about the humans as slaves in Galra encampments? Like, is humanity screwed now? The galara did blow up their satellites, how will Earth work the same?

This was literally 9/11-WWIV to them. Which is so bizarre.

The paladins literally came back to an Earth that, for all they knew, was completely obliterated, and they were just walking over corpses. (There had to be some. There was no way every human on that planet evacuated in time.) That thought alone is weird to think about in a Y7 kids production.

Not to mention the fact that this even happened at all?? Like, I get the fear of Earth being destroyed is a terrifying thing, but the writers just kept dangling it over our heads so much that for a bit I genuinely believed that the amount of bs going on against the heroes would just pile up and the Earth was just going to be fucking obliterated by how many holes were in their plans. The only thing keeping me from that was the fact that there would be no show if they did that, but that’s not a very comforting thought, nor does it make me want to root for everyone. What’s the point when you know how it’s going to end?

Idk, it was so out of place I felt like I was watching an entirely different show. Since when did the paladins ever fight like military pilots? Why and how were there random pockets of human resistance that could somehow communicate to each other? How tf did the Garrison come up with tech to stop the drones from sending out signals to each other? Why didn’t they use that to stop Sendak’s ships???

Granted, there was some solid planning (mostly from Sam) that was genuinely smart (like the mini satellites they used that were too tiny and so many that the Galra couldn’t shoot at them); but most of everything after ‘The Last Stand’ episodes became a giant martyr after giant martyr of the team defying the odds but not having time to catch their breath. And that last robeast? I get why they needed to show off where the Altean colony went to, but the fight was lackluster compared to fighting Sendak’s whole fucking army and winning. (Even Allura complains about this, showing how self aware this show actually is when they put their thinking hats on).

The fact that the robeast was even that fucking powerful in the first place was insanity and why would you even have an impossible to beat villain take down the most hard to kill heroic team anyways? Aren’t we trying to show how friendship saves the day? Why give Shiro that credit? What the hell does he have that the paladins don't?

Apparently a big fucking ship named Atlas. That’s what.

And now we move onto my biggest grievance: The deaths and near-deaths of characters.

Why. Just why?

It was so poorly done, and kinda random. Adam didn’t get the screen time the writers were building up for him. All of Shiro’s problems, his degenerative disease, his near death again after the clone body tried to reject him (which ‘thank you Shiro’ we ‘totally’ need to be reminded how much shit you went through when you were talking with Lance about it. Not cool), and then his new arm trying to kill him? Dealt with in like 5 seconds. False alarm! Shiro’s totally not gonna die this time! ( ͡ಠ ͜ʖ ͡ಠ)

But I think the worst one was at the end when Shiro is giving that speech to the  humans with the lions standing behind him not online after we’d just seen them crash land on Earth in a fiery blaze, and honestly??? I thought they were dead.

Goodbye my sweet precious babies, you died protecting Earth and now the fucking Garrison is gonna end up showing those knock-off paladin cadets into the lions and things are gonna be okay again~!

No joke, that’s what I thought. 

But then suddenly they’re fine? In a hospital??? Why???? WHAT?!?!?!?

Cue music overture with a montage of everyone’s families and friends coming to say hello to them (instead of explaining wtf happened to all of them) and lots of hugging and oh yeah we forgot about Matt so here’s two frames of him with his weird android girlfriend? thing and long ponytailed head.

Cute, real heartwarmer with Shay suddenly having an entire fucking Balmeran transport her to Hunk. (omg think of how that’s affecting Earth’s gravity atm, the ocean tides r gonna b so screwed over).

Anyways, I did begrudgingly like the new season; but only barely, and I was nowhere near as excited watching this one as I was with previous seasons. There was too much testing my suspension of disbelief, not enough breathers during the last bit, and just overall confusion from all the devastation and chaos caused by Sendak. (Where the hell is Haggar?????)

Overall the story seemed to be trying too hard, and I’m not happy with that. I want Season 8 to smooth over some of this, but I don’t have the highest of hopes. I honestly just want to see my paladin children happy and not fighting a war, and I don’t want to focus on random secondary characters anymore. I want fulfillment, I want the paladins to come to some sense of self satisfaction and growth, regardless of the shipping.

Season 7 took two steps forwards and two steps back with the character development. They progressed Hunk and Sam, but regressed Lance and the others a bit. Coran has officially become the doorstop, with Shiro getting a whole army to command, and random secondary cadets acting like their the lead characters of the show.

I don’t want that. I want the normalcy the show has had up till now. I just want back regular Voltron.

[maldito-arbol]

Ooooo the long awaited Info Consolidation conversation, oh how I’ve been waiting for you. It was quite satisfying and had a bunch of stuff I didn’t think about, like Anne talking about Hearts motives and the stuff they say and Marce mentioning Wit’s contradictory statements and how differently she treats Strength and Heart. I have a habit of just thinking about the facts (the greatest weaknesses thing, Heart being the strongest, the elements things, the fact that the dreamscapes are all connected) but those other bits were very good and important parts to include, I wouldn’t have even thought about them at all u r so good at giving all the characters such depth. good job :)

Listen listen sometimes I DO drop very important hints. I want you to know that almost EVERYTHING from chapters 1-4 of IBYBF that happened to line up with important reveals later was either entirely coincidence or i reread those chapters and decided to MAKE stuff important (you gotta work with what you have—you can get some great ideas just by looking at things you wrote on a whim) and it really wasn’t until Chapter 7 that i was just starting to think about the Gems’ arcs in the long term and what kind of backstories they might have. Heart wanting to destroy the box, Wit being afraid of Heart, Strength keeping Sprig safe…they’re the first hints at a picture that is much bigger than the girls are prepared for. Perhaps even than anyone in the audience is. You guys still have yet to see the darker sides of my writing. That old tpn X mp100 crossover fic that sits unfinished on my archive account has a chapter count of 36 because i actually have the entire story drafted and it gets FUCKED. really fast. But because i never posted all of it, those terrible terrible things I did in that one have yet to see the light of day. I’m absolutely taking some notes from it to write CMTO because two of the major themes I’m gonna have to explore are coping with loss and the cycle of abuse :)

But anyway I went on a TANGENT—i have come to understand that you my lovely readers are very intelligent and absolutely do pick up on a lot of the hints I accidentally drop everywhere, so it is the funniest feeling when I drop hints purposely that NOBODY mentions and i wonder if they picked them up at all or they’re in for a very rude awakening when the reveal hits. So what i do is I just. Keep bringing them up casually. The gems having a very specific access to the girls’ memories was one of them—i kind of had a vague idea of it floating around and decided to bring it up in ch 7 twice in Heart tormenting Sprig with how much they know about him because of how much Anne cares about him. But you can find little hints of it in prev chapters too— see: Heart knowing the full names of all the people in Anne’s life in chap 5 and Heart finding Marcy’s moment of weakness in chap 4. So I decided WHY NOT JUST ADDRESS IT PROPER. Another one of these is the perpetual bleeding in Marcy’s eye that i address every single time she’s in her dreamscape and especially VERY loudly in chap 8 im losing my mind over that one don’t worry we’ll talk about it Very Soon <3

Anyway I thank u for all the stuff you have already picked up on it makes me so excited. You got some of the foreshadowing from the party chapter but there’s more in there hehehehe oh my god i am SO excited for this finale.