#some new bullshit i woke up to on this terrible morning

[tazaryoot]

no i won’t take any after-the-fact reasoning especially if it tries to canonise something they desperately attempted to avoid like saavik and spock having a child

[venus-haze]

Love Is a Ring on the Telephone (Homelander x Reader)

Summary: When work calls you away from New York, Homelander can’t bear how much he misses you.

Note: Gender neutral reader and no descriptors are used. This fic is fluffy (and shorter than what I usually write) but still a little dark, and takes place vaguely during season 2. Inspired by Bruce Springsteen’s and Patti Smith’s versions of Because the Night (I actually got inspired for a few fics based on various lines in the song). Do not interact if you are under 18 or post thinspo/ED content.

Word count: 1.6k

Warnings: Some possessive behavior and emotional manipulation (it’s Homelander). Do not interact if you’re under 18.

Homelander stared at the calendar taped to the wall in a desperate hope that he could somehow will time to race forward, and you’d be back home. He missed you terribly, spending the past few nights in your shoebox apartment he had yet to convince you to move out of. It was too cramped and loud for his liking, between your neighbors and the street noise, but he hadn’t realized how attached he’d become to it until you were gone. 

He went as far as pulling on one of your sweatshirts to sleep in, just because it still smelled like you. It was only day two of your five day business trip to a conference in Los Angeles, but each day without you felt like a week that dragged on endlessly. He’d been on bullshit missions from Vought that went longer, ones where he couldn’t even contact you until he returned, his insides shredded to bloody mush at the lingering anxiety that maybe in his absence, you found someone else.

From the moment he stepped into the disgustingly crowded airport with you, a melancholy swept over him. He offered to fly you to your hotel in LA himself, frustrated when you decided to do things the pedestrian way. At least his presence allowed you to skip the security line that stretched all the way back to the bag check as he graciously took selfies with each TSA agent. After all, you couldn’t be a threat if you were with The Homelander of all people. 

He would’ve gone with you, if it weren’t for the ‘Dawn of the Seven’ promotions that Ashley couldn’t get him out of. She nearly threw up while breaking the bad news to him, and he could hear her heart racing even as she practically sprinted down the hallway after he dismissed her. Reluctantly, he stayed behind while you went away, gritting his teeth through every interview and guest appearance. Having been paraded around plenty of Vought conferences himself, he knew damn well plenty of people used them as an excuse to get drunk and fuck around without their significant others’ knowledge.

He huffed, turning away from the calendar and practically rolling his eyes at himself. You’d proven time and time again that he could trust you, that you were the one for him. Still, his self-assurance did nothing to abate the sourness in his stomach, and suddenly, he’d pulled out his phone, ear pressed to the screen as the dial tone rang almost mockingly. He paced the kitchen floor, glancing at the clock on the wall. A little past one in the morning on the West Coast, but you wouldn’t mind if he woke you up.

“Baby? It’s late,” you yawned, the mundane noise making Homelander’s nerves settle slightly. “Is everything okay?”

He chewed his bottom lip, feeling like a schoolgirl calling her crush for the first time, almost instinctively reaching to play with a non-existent phone cord. There was neither pride nor shame when it came to you, only the affection and devotion that he’d spent his life longing for. Your presence soothed him, but your absence made his heart wrench in his chest. 

“Missed you,” he said softly.

“I miss you too. This conference is so boring. The people are weird, and I haven’t gotten a chance to see anything in LA.”

“What’s there to see? You’ve got a hot blond at home,” he said.

Your laughter made him feel indescribably lighter, even when it became muffled by your hand covering your mouth. 

“There aren’t palm trees in New York, smarty.”

“If you wanna see palm trees, I can think of at least five places I can take you that are nicer than LA.”

“I read that some palm trees grow in the Mediterranean, like Greece and Italy.”

“We’ll have to go one day to see, huh?”

You enthusiastically agreed, and he clung to your every word as you described your dream vacations in detail. He’d bring you everywhere, wrapped tightly in his arms from the moment he took off in New York until the two of you inevitably ended up in bed somewhere beautiful and secluded, where you could truly be alone together. 

He wondered what you’d think of moving out of the city, maybe to one of the smaller beach towns out on Long Island or somewhere more secluded in the Catskills. Either way, he’d have a commute for the first time in his life, but he could deal with a quick flight to Vought Tower if it meant waking up beside and coming home to you each day. After years of clamoring for the adoration of the masses, millions of people cheering his name and going into a frenzy in his presence paled in comparison to the sincerity in your voice and steady heartbeat whenever you told him that you loved him. 

Often, he felt like no one else knew what being in love was like, otherwise they wouldn’t make him go on asinine press tours or send you away to the opposite side of the country for a conference. Something so passionate and all-consuming as what he felt for you couldn’t be ruined by distance, and though he could listen to you talk on the phone all night, it wasn’t the same as being able to see and feel you. He’d grown far too accustomed to the warmth and gentleness of your touch, the way your eyes lit up for him and nobody else. 

A loud bang and the sound of drunk chatter outside your room interrupted your voice, and though no human could have heard the commotion so clearly, he could, and his lip curled in response. You immediately apologized, ranting about the people at the conference, most of whom you found uppity and unpleasant, finding networking with them at panels and meals more of a chore than an opportunity.

He looked at your refrigerator, colorful magnets holding up your handwritten lists and reminders, but his gaze was focused on the selfie of the two of you on your second date to the Bronx Zoo just a few months prior. You’d taken the time to get the photo printed and displayed in a spot that was domestic and sentimental, somewhere you and anyone else who entered your place could easily see. His hands suddenly felt cold in your physical absence, and a lump formed in his throat as he found himself on the verge of tears.

“If it’s such a drag, you should just leave early and come home.”

“Baby, you know I can’t—“

“I’ll take care of you,” he promised softly, the ‘from now on’ was unspoken, but from the way he could hear your breath faintly hitch over the phone, he knew you understood.

“Okay,” you whispered. “Will you come get me?”

“I’ll be there before you blink.”

“I’ll keep my eyes wide open for you.”

He smiled, letting out a soft chuckle at your words. “I love you.”

“I love you more.”

“That’s impossible.”

You were quiet for a moment. “Can’t I try?”

“You don’t need to try. Just being mine is enough, darling.”

Everything in his life had gone to shit so fast, but not you, never you. He’d raze cities to ash before letting you go, before possibly losing the warmth that enveloped him at the thought of you and how much you loved him. Even if he could bottle the feeling, inject it into his veins whenever he pleased, he wouldn’t, not when he had you by his side. He wasn’t sure if anyone could compare. As much as he wished he’d met you sooner, he supposed later was better than never.

You ended the phone call, your voice soft and melodic as you once again professed your love to him. He did the same before hanging up, hastily grabbing one of your sweaters from your closet. You’d always get cold while flying with him. He brought the knitwear to his nose, the scent of your fabric softener and a hint of your perfume almost making him dizzy. Wasting no more time, he left your apartment to make it to Los Angeles before you could fall back asleep.

He knew which hotel you were staying at and the room number, having texted it to him before you left. Of course, he’d memorized the details, and within half an hour was hovering outside of your eighth floor hotel room window, which you gladly opened for him. You were in your pajamas, your small suitcase packed on the bed.

“My hero!” you exclaimed, throwing your arms around him and pressing a playful kiss to his cheek.

Your lips on his skin made it feel like he was on fire, and he took your face in his ungloved hands, kissing you desperately as your sweater fell to the floor. Two days had suddenly transformed into a lifetime of longing and separation, and as he slipped his tongue into your open mouth, he did so with the intention of savoring you, getting as close to devouring you as he could. 

Squeezing his hips to steady yourself only encouraged him further, a groan rumbling from deep in his chest. Sometimes, you made it so hard for him to have any self-control, and in those moments he almost lamented his powers. His strength made your being with him inherently dangerous, yet despite the risks, you willingly sought out his embrace and intimacy.

“Always yours,” he muttered huskily against your lips. 

You looked at the sweater on the floor, smiling at the gesture. “Thanks.”

“Can’t have you catching pneumonia on the way home, can I?” he said as you pulled the sweater on.

You grabbed your suitcase off the bed, and he took it from you with ease, holding it in one hand, his other arm firmly around your waist. He’d flown you plenty of places before, and though you were no longer nervous like the first time he took you flying, he loved how you clung to him anyway.

[ayyynne]

Buck wakes up at some stupid hour of the night with a strange feeling that for the first time in months he needs to text Bobby, like he did every day when we first woke up from his coma.

Except his usual "hey Cap. My brain just needs to know that you're alive. Text me when you wake up?" never gets answered. And he's not really expecting one at 2am, but he still can't fall back asleep.

So he's wide awake when his phone rings again just a little while later. And why the hell is Hen calling him at this hour. Somehow he already knows the answer. He's already grabbing his keys and slipping on shoes as he answers the phone. She gets right to the point.

"they're both in the hospital. Athena is stable. Bobby's heart stopped. There was a fire. Cedar's. That's all I know. I'm heading there now. Calling Chim next, can you call Eddie?"

There's no need for a "holy fuck" or "oh my God," she already knows. They're beyond that right now.

"Harry and May and Michael?" He asks as he runs to the Jeep.

"Called May first. Harry was at a friend's. Shes calling Harry and Michael. If Eddie needs to drop Christopher off, Karen is still home with Denny"

"thanks." And the line clicks and he's immediately asking Siri to call Eddie, not even thinking about the Shannon/Kim/Marisol bullshit because that handful of hours ago feels like a million years ago. He thinks for a second Eddie might not answer. He does by the thrid ring.

"Cap. Athena. Fire. Hospital. Cedar's." Bucks not even sure his brain could think of complete sentences anyways even if he wanted too. "Karen home Denny if Chris needs it" he adds. Almost a full sentence. Eddie gets it.

"I'll be there as soon as I can. Are you driving? Are you okay to drive?" Because of course Eddie knows. Eddie knows how much Buck cares about his whole team, his family, but especially Bobby. He remembers Buck's fear on the cruise ship. Or when Bobby was exposed to that radiation. Or any time Bobby wasn't okay. Because Buck wasn't either.

"fine. Almost there" the plus side of it being 2am? LA traffic isn't terrible.

----

Athena's stable. Smoke inhalation but nothing some oxygen can't fix. Bobby's heart stopped. Bobby was dead. Buck wonders if how he feels now was how Bobby and Eddie and Hen and Chim and Maddie felt after the lighting. When all they could do was sit. And wait. And pray. And hope for the best.

So that's what Buck does. He sits there. Staring at that lest text he sent. Waiting. And Hoping. And maybe he even prays a little.

(Weeks later, after Bobby is awake, and has a new phone to replace the one that burned with the house, the very first text he sends is a familiar "morning kid, I'm all good 🙂." Buck screenshots it to save forever.)

Also on A03

[icey--stars]

Stories To Be Told: PART 22

Series Index

A shadowsinger, a warrior, an Illyrian, that's what she was. Trained by one of the most formidable female warriors. Escaped the Illyrian camps and her clipping when she was barely sixteen and is now the holder of 6 siphons. What happens when she tries to sneak into the City of Starlight? And starts down a whole new road of chaos?

a/n: ya’ll. let's just admit we need an azriel. because i certainly do. also we’re going to pretend fae have modern things like tampons and shit.

WARNING: mentions of a woman's menstrual cycle. (blood, and everything else that comes with a period)

↢ 『 ☾ 』 ↣

When I awoke the next morning… I honestly didn’t know what was worse. The pain in my abdomen or the blood that was seeping into my undergarments, and making me feel disgusting. My cycle was usually like this, coming on with absolutely no warning. And then terrible for the entire time. Absolutely just miserable.

“Fuck,” I groaned, curling up a little more to a position that ever so slightly alleviated the pain I was in.

A few more long minutes went by and I tried to stop dying-

“Y/N?” Azriel asked from behind my door.

I rolled my eyes. “What?!” I called back, cringing painfully as another wave of cramps took over. Why didn’t I count the months?! Why did I forget about this stupid biannual cycle bullshit?

“I was wondering if you were coming to training. It’s been an hour since you usually wake up,” he explained.

An hour?! Maybe those long minutes were more than just minutes. Or I just woke up later because of this stupid dumb natural cycle.

“I’m not,” I replied. “Not in a million years with this stupid pain-“ I added with a whisper to myself.

“Are you alright?” Azriel asked, sounding more concerned now.

“Perfectly fine,” I answered, probably failing horribly at keeping my voice even. “Just go on without me!”

“Can I open the door?” He asked.

I glanced back at the rest of the bed. No blood stains just yet, so… “Fine.”

I tried to move into a position that extenuated exhaustion instead of pain. But something on my face must’ve given it away. Azriel opened the door and saw me laying there, and then immediately rushed over to the bedside, hands raising above me, but not touching.

“What’s wrong? You look like you’re in pain.”

I rolled my eyes. “That’s because I am. I’m skipping training today, I might see you later.”

His brows furrowed, confusion evident on his face. “What’s wrong?” He asked, kneeling down to meet my gaze easier. “Can I help?”

I groaned, both hands reaching under my stomach in a useless attempt to alleviate the pain. “No, you can’t help,” I said, turning my face back into the pillows. “Nobody can, now go off and do your thing-”

“Can you at least tell me what it is? Should I get Madja?”

“I’m fine-” I cut myself off with a groan, wings curling up over my back as every muscle in my body seemed to tense at once. Like fuck- couldn’t they have made this process pleasant!?

Azriel’s hands went to rest on the bed, inching closer. “Angel? You alright?”

“No,” I answered honestly. “It’s my cycle- completely normal, just fucking awful-”

I turned my head to see his reaction, His eyes were flickering with immediate recognition. He winced visibly as well, as if feeling the sympathy pain. Which honestly? With this odd bond? He might just be able to feel it. Which in that case, he’s leaving me right here and getting out of range as quick as fucking possible. I might wish I didn’t have this, and sometimes wished males also had some occurrence as well, but I wouldn’t wish this upon Azriel, who, in most senses, had been quite kind to me.

“Oh,” he hummed. He sniffed the air experimentally, snapping his attention back to my gaze. “I should’ve smelled that. Sorry angel. How can I help you?” His voice was so soft and comforting. Fuck, it just rolled off his tongue so easily and settled across me like a fuzzy little ball of happiness. There was no other way to describe it.

“I’m fine,” I lied, lifting the blanket off of my back using my wings. It was starting to get just slightly too sweaty under it. “Just need to get some things from town once the cramps die down slightly. Go to training.”

“You need–they’re called tampons right?” He questioned, staring at me. I nodded, confirming his statement. “Right, how about I go get them for you then?”

I lifted a brow. “I think everyone would stare at you weird.”

“Like I care. I’ll be right back, alright angel?” Azriel said, standing quickly.

I opened my mouth to protest that I could do it myself, but Azriel had already walked out the door, closing it so it was left only cracked.

I sighed, rolling my eyes at his antics. Really, I would’ve been able to get it myself. It just might’ve taken a while until I had the will to battle against the pain stemming from my abdomen, thighs and lower back.

Azriel returned not too long after, holding a box of tampons in his left hand, which he set down on my bedside table before kneeling down to be eye level with me. “How are you holding up? How long do these last again?”

I cringed as another wave rolled over me. I crushed my hands to my stomach, clenching my jaw tight to stop a groan from escaping. “I’m fine,” I lied. “And about a week, at least for me. Some get longer and some get shorter.”

“Your lying skills might need to be brushed up on,” he chuckled. “Do you want me to talk to Madja about some sort of tonic for the pain?”

“First tell me if you can feel it,” I ordered. “Because if you can, yes and then you’re leaving.”

“It’s very weak, but a little,” he admitted. “But not anything compared to what I imagine you’re feeling.”

“You do not deserve any sort of pain when I’m the one supposed to be dealing with it, leave and go to training,” I ordered, closing my eyes as another wave came over some sort of wall that was the threshold of pain.

“I already told Cass I wasn’t going,” Az chuckled. “Now, how can I help? Would the tonic help?”

I groaned in both frustration and pain. “Fine, go get the stupid tonic.”

Azriel smirked, clearly proud of the fact I’d given in. “Be right back sweetheart.” And then he left before I could question him on the next new little name he’d given me. How many do I have now? Angel, baby and then sweetheart?! Fucking hell.

My trail of thinking was cut off again as the pain came to overwhelm my senses again. Gods, I really just needed to find a good book to dive into. Maybe a distraction would work? Right? If I managed to get the damn energy to do anything. A bath, a book and then suffering. I didn’t have the patience for any of those right now.

Azriel returned after gods know how long, holding a small bottle of amber liquid that looked suspiciously like alcohol.

“Is that whiskey?” I asked, eyebrows scrunching up as I looked at the bottle.

Az scoffed. “No, Madja claims it's something to help with pain.”

I rolled my eyes, pushing myself to sit with my back against the pillows and wings splayed out on either side of me. I held out a hand and Azriel dropped it into my palm. I gave another look at the liquid inside before popping the cork off and swallowing it down. Bitter as fuck.

I opened my mouth as soon as the liquid was down, face scrunching up against the bitter taste. “Fucking hell,” I swore. “Madja needs a damn warning on that thing. I’ve never tasted something worse.”

Az wordlessly took the bottle back, putting it beside the tampons on my bedside table. “Do you need to…” he hesitated, gesturing towards the box with his scarred hands.

I sighed, still holding a hand to my stomach. “Look away, spymaster,” I ordered. “Don’t need you scandalized with the blood.”

“I’ve seen much worse than blood,” he replied. “But very well; I will turn away.” He shifted on his feet, body facing towards the door now.

With a silent wince, I pulled myself out of the bed, and quickly grabbed a second set of undergarments, night pants and then the box of tampons before running into the bathroom.

After dealing with that, I almost just laid down on the cool tile floor. I felt nauseous as hell, black spots entering my vision as I washed my hands and attempted to walk straight toward the bathroom door. All I had to do was make it to the bed and then I could pass the fuck out again, and pray to every higher being out there that when I woke up, it wasn’t worse. It probably still would be, to be honest.

Azriel had turned back to face the bathroom door, eyes narrowing as I stumbled out of it and toward the bed. I felt my foot trip over the other just as my vision went almost completely black. I spread my wings, hands flying out automatically, but I never hit the ground.

I groaned, and Azriel slowly lowered me to the ground, knees bending so I was sitting on my calves instead.

“Y/N?” Azriel asked. “What’s wrong?”

I held a hand to my forehead, feeling the sweat coming off of it.

“Can you hear me?” He asked again, sounding more urgent with each passing second.

“I’m fine,” I growled, looking around the room. It was spinning less with my lack of walking. My wings had slumped to the ground, one of my claws at the apex was laying on Azriel’s knee. I could distantly feel the fabric of his pants, but I could barely see straight, much less try and think about that.

“Y/N,” Azriel stated, a warning tone entering his voice. “You are not fine. You almost just blacked out.”

“I am fine,” I insisted. “This is normal.”

“You normally pass out while walking on your cycle? Are you sure?”

“No,” I answered. “I don’t normally pass out. I just trip a bit when I’m dizzy is all.”

“That amount of dizziness isn’t normal,” he insisted. “You should be able to at least walk straight.”

“Whatever,” I dismissed.

He sighed, head dipping down. I noticed now, that his hands were still grappling onto each of my upper arms, still holding tightly as if he was afraid I was about to faint and fall over or something. Which I wasn’t. I would be fine. I had dealt with these before. This one might be one of the worst ones in a while, but that didn’t mean shit.

“Let me help you onto the bed,” he murmured, moving his arms to support me as I stood. He looked at the distance to the bed once I was standing before literally sweeping my feet off, and settling me down on the sheets again. I was damned lucky they hadn’t gotten stained. Must’ve been the way I’d been laying that saved them.

I curled up with my knees to my chest against the pillows, looking at Azriel with a lifted brow. “I could’ve walked.”

“And I wanted to carry you,” he chuckled. “Now, tell me, how can I help?”

Well, he was certainly determined.

“And don’t claim you’re fine,” he said quickly as my mouth opened to deliver the same lie as before. “You almost just fainted.”

I rolled my eyes. “I don’t think there is anything you can do to help,” I replied instead. “This is kinda a thing that happens and is dealt with alone.”

“Well,” he hummed. “You keep putting your hands to your abdomen, so I’m assuming that at least gives the illusion of helping. You’re shaking like you're cold, and sweating like you're hot, so something to help even out that temperature might help.”

My brows furrowed, concerned on how the hell he’d gleaned so much information just from being here for such a short period of time.

“So, angel, how would you like me to help?”

I rolled my eyes, sighing. He wasn’t going to give in, and I was in too much pain to fight on this for very long. I didn’t want to get some weird emotional response or something. The other symptoms that followed this bullshit. “What do you feel like doing?” I asked. “Like- suggest something. You’re being too open ended for me to answer.”

Azriel smiled softly at that. “How about…” he hummed. “You move over slightly on the bed, and I sit next to you, or lay behind you and lay my hand on your abdomen, and keep you at a normal temperature at the same time?”

I swallowed, but internally, my heart swooned. He truly did care. My mate cared. And that just made me swoon even more, heart aching pleasantly at the thought.

“Okay,” I coughed out finally. “Yeah.” I shuffled my wings at the same time as moving my body down the bed so that my head was on the pillows and farther over on the bed. I didn’t really want to face him, because the emotions I was feeling were likely already playing out on the bond for him. So if I saw his reactions, likely it wouldn’t end well.

“You okay with me brushing against your wings, angel?” He asked, the bed pitching downwards as he crawled onto it.

I nodded. “Just don’t-” I cut myself off, unable to form the proper words to describe what I was forbidding him from doing.

Luckily, he seemed to understand well enough. He pressed against my back and wings, but didn’t let his hands linger anywhere, or move too drastically to cause some reaction from the touch. It was gentle, and caring. Careful, but also freeing. He looped an arm over my middle, laying his palm against my abdomen.

“Where’s it hurt?” He asked, his other arm coming up under the pillow my head was on. I simply lifted my head so he could move it under my neck for a more comfortable position. Cuddling was a foreign concept, but I knew enough from books.

I reached down to position Azriel’s hand gently with mine. “Mostly right there,” I answered, setting my hand back against the bed. Another wave washed over and I winced, jaw tightening as my eyes closed of their own accord.

Azriel’s hand began to gently rub over the fabric of my shirt. It gave the illusion of help, and also felt… immensely comforting actually. My mate pressed up against me. The male who I apparently had grown to love, caring for me oh so gently. Azriel, the idiot, cuddling up close to me. This wasn’t a sexually enticing position in the slightest. It was just comfort.

“Is this helping?” He asked, breath brushing against my neck.

I wordlessly nodded, pushing my head down more before settling where I was. I yawned, unable to contain the sound. Fuck, these things really just made my entire sleep schedule, emotions, and body just… wacky.

“You tired?”

“A little,” I admitted. “I should get up and do something.”

“No,” he chuckled. “You shouldn’t. Rest sweetheart.”

“Should I call that a new name unlocked?” I joked, eyes still closed, but my mouth curved into a big smile.

He scoffed, but I could almost feel his grin from here. “I can call you many more things, add to the list if you’d like.”

I rolled my eyes beneath my lids, but that smile only grew.

“Rest darling,” he commanded. “I won’t leave you.”

I grinned a little before taking a deep heaving breath of air, and letting relaxation fill me.

As sleep came to claim me, I started to wonder about what would happen if I did accept the bond, and decided to fall in love with Azriel. What would the future be like? I could imagine Azriel just like he was now, cuddling up close to his lover and assuring them that he loved them every moment he could. With a short flare of heat, I also wondered what Azriel would be like… in bed. Would he be rough? Gentle? Kinky as fuck? Sleep claimed me before I could continue that trail of thoughts completely.

Azriel continued to refuse to leave me alone. He did go back to his own bed during the night, but only for the beginning. By the third day he was staying the night because we’d passed out so early in the evening. Waking up felt surreal the next morning.

I started to tease him that if he didn’t train, he was going to lose all that handsome muscle. Of course, I accidently said it exactly like that, and he had smirked so fucking big it looked like it hurt.

Now, the entire thing was entirely too unpleasant to deal with. Back pain, abdomen pain, muscle soreness, headaches, nausea and dizziness, emotional instability… all of it. It was worse being around actual people too. People who could get hurt by some impulsive words of mine, or I could hurt them by accidently getting too emotional—

“Stop thinking,” Azriel ordered, hand running through my hair. “Just relax.”

I felt better than usual today, so I would probably try to go to training tomorrow. Even if it would be miserable. I didn’t train this week. 2 times a year, I didn’t train once. Because I’d always have trouble recognizing those limits, and it’d only make me feel more like shit when I realize I can’t do something because of the pain, or I’m weak, or something.

“Baby…” Azriel complains. “I can see your little upset face from here. Stop it.”

A smile curved onto my face.

Azriel had been so, so soft during this. Cuddling, so unlike the deadly spymaster I’d heard stories of, and gentle reassurances and check-ups so different from the figure I’d heard could kill so easily with just a flick of his wrist. It was both unnerving and reassuring. Azriel was softening up. I distantly wanted to know how long he’d felt the damn bond. How long had he’d been holding himself back from these soft little intimate moments? He’d argued with me enough that I didn’t have a damn clue.

But I enjoyed it. The softness. It felt like something I’d been craving for so long, finally given to me. It felt like another home, within a home. And Azriel knew me better than anyone alive right now. He knew my story, knew my tendencies. He even knew the face I made when I was upset. He knew. And I knew him as well. It was companionship at its best level. It was friendship at its closest. It was… it was a mate who cared oh so much. And one I cared for in return. These soft moments hadn’t just been for me. I’d attempted to scratch his head too, even if he waved me off. I’d tried a bit more innocent touching. A hug, leaning into his scratches, letting him near me in a way nobody had ever been.

Maybe I didn’t need as much time to think as I thought.

“Sleep,” Azriel complained. “If you want to go to training tomorrow, you’re going to sleep.”

I scoffed. “Bossy spymaster,” I admonished with a grin.

“Stubborn rogue,” he replied cheekily.

I rolled my eyes, but they fell shut momentarily as I settled into the soft embrace of love.

↢ 『 ☾ 』 ↣

TAGLIST (see post for getting added)

@mis-lil-red, @bunnymallowo, @judig92, @biblophilefox82, @azzydaddy, @thegirlintheshadows101, @whatupmydudes01, @feyres-fireheart, @elizarikaallen, @xenlynn, @panzees-bizarre-adventures, @starswholistenanddreamsanswered, @baebeepeach, @nyctophiliiiiaaa, @brekkershadowsinger, @officiallyunofficialperson, @bookslut420, @margssstuff, @bluephoenix908, @goldentournesol, @rebloggiest-reblogger, @inpraizeof, @ladylokilaufeyson5,

[letsgetrowdy43]

Ignore this!!

It's a Christmas prompts list for a cell that is in the works rn

❄︎ Dialogue

"Stop trying to get me to walk under the mistletoe."

"i said UGLY Christmas sweaters not nsfw Christmas sweaters, we can NOT wear these, my boss will kill me"

"That should be our Christmas card this year."

"Why'd you turn the music off?"

"I know we said no presents this year but."

"I hate Christmas shopping." - "I love Christmas shopping!"

"Do you want to put the star on the top of the tree?"

"What do you think? Like the tree?"

"Open your stocking!"

"It's snowing!"

"What are you doing?" - "Making a snow angel."

"Do people even use nutcrackers?"

"Do you still believe in Santa?"

"You'd make a cute elf."

"Look! Reindeers!"

"Is that supposed to be a snowman?

"You didn't really think I'd let you spend Christmas alone, did you?"

"You'd make a really terrible Santa"

"It's a time of good will, not whatever the hell you're doing"

"Aren't you just Santa's Little Helper?"

"You call this decorated?"

"How on earth did you get tinsel there?"

"Wow, you really go overboard with decorations, don't you?"

"It looks like Santa threw up here"

"What are you doing to that poor wrapping paper?"

"Exactly how much more hinting do I have to do?"

"Have I told you how much I hate

Christmas shopping?"

"Secret Santa is bullshit"

"Tell me what you want for Christmas"

"Why are you so impossible to shop for?"

"Please tell me you aren't searching my room for where l've hidden the presents"

"I thought we weren't doing gifts!

"Do you have any carrots?"

"This is the best gift you could've given me.

"You have snow on your eyelashes, looks cute."

"Come here by the fire."

"Please don't make me wear this, I look ridiculous."

"You've really made my Christmas this year.

"I thought you were going home for Christmas." - "Well, I couldn't leave you all alone."

"I'm never letting you convince me to go carolling again."

"Here, you can have one of my gloves."

"Did you get us matching pyjamas?"

"You look so beautiful in the snow."

"It's bold of you to assume I haven't eaten my entire advent calendar.

"Christmas hot chocolate is not normal hot chocolate. Where are the marshmallows?"

"Smell this candle, it's amazing."

❄︎ Scenarios

Decorating the tree

Dancing in the snow

Present shopping

Gift giving

Wrapping gifts

Making a gingerbread house

Gingerbread house competition

Snowball fight

Sledging

Mistletoe

Christmas baking

Christmas market

Making snowmen

Christmas party

Watching Christmas movies

Dancing to Christmas music

Going ice skating

Christmas dinner

Making Christmas dinner

Fake dating for Christmas Ball

sharing! a! long! scarf!

a being an ass and putting their cold hands on b's warm neck

christmas! market! dates!!!

decorating wars complete with Too Much Glitter

ice skating dates and which one's kinda unstable and clinging cutely to the other

fireplaces.

you took me on a cut-your-own-christmas-tree-farm date & holy frick you make a cute lumberjack I WAS UNPREPARED

the power's out & we're snowed in, how on earth will we stay warm???

candy cane sword fights & how quickly they can escalate

your family sucks so you're kinda meh on holidays, lets make some fun, new traditions together!

we were going to go walking around the neighborhood to see all the pretty lights but you woke up feeling a bit under the weather and not up to being outside in the snow so i snuck out early this morning and made a video of them all for you so you didn't have to miss out

[unrequited-words]

01/19/2023 Thursday

Pretty awesome day off. Decided to finally get my eyebrows waxed. I hadn’t in a year and they needed tending to. I found and met the sweet Vietnamese lady. I found my favorite spot for nails/eyebrow waxing. We went to the dollar store and got some nice clothes. I can’t bitch for 12 for a new pair of jeans. They’re tight, but whatever 🤷🏻‍♀️ we came home and I changed her diaper since she leaked.a

I gave her chips for a snack. I know that’s bad for me and it should be healthy but I wasn’t thinking and gave her what I eat. The bologna sandwich was not terrible, but it’s a bologna sammich. I think I got a nap in? it was a good day. I didn’t work OT. I thought about it but whatever. I think I had some nachos but I remember making chicken nuggets for the baby. Some of it got stuck in my infected tooth and I remember having to brush my teeth and swishing with some listerine. I had the weirdest fucking dream about an ex who I haven’t thought about in decades. He was all sorts of toxic but what was weird was it was my husband but him.

Dreams are fucking weird.

01/20/2023 Friday

I woke up before my alarm and remember my mouth just hurting. I brushed my teeth and used listerine again. I made coffee and didn’t refill my mug since I did that last night. I love this thermos I bought. It’s really awesome and even has my initials. Work was pretty awesome today. Sales were decent and customers weren’t terrible. I got off of work on time. In the last 20 minutes I’ve had one beer, and I’m working on another. I’ve cooked Italian sausage and a pound of ground beef. I’m thawing another pound, and I intended to make enchiladas for the husband. Depending on the level of heat i usually don’t eat them because it causes heartburn.

This morning I had overnight oats and it was awesome. The oats softened enough and the smoothie I had helped me through my afternoon. I made another bologna sandwich for lunch and chewed slowly concentrating on my left side and making sure I didn’t favor my right side. I added chips to it and pickles because I love pickles. I can feel the second beer kicking in now and I feel like I can be more honest.

I feel like on Instagram (I made it private, idk why) I’m the perfect mom adding pictures of my kids and stupid quotes on how I feel being a mom) here I am so much more raw and honest and I can just be myself. I sometimes cuss and may state ideals that don’t align with yours and that’s okay. I am thankful for this amazing job. Baby is crying for me asking where are you? I’m dancing with her to simple songs for at least half an hour.

Fuck, I’m tired.

I’m making enchiladas and I hope they turn out decent. Three beers in. I have to make sure to make Tylenol and drink water so I can function somewhat for tomorrow. Most saturdays are slow. some can be steady. Lagers aren’t terrible but it’s more tolerable than vodka. I’m not as stupid or as in your face angry for things I can’t control with beer.

I opened up three cans of retried beans and dinner will be going down in about half an hour. I’ll probably eat chicken nuggets with the baby and fries because this is to much heat for me. I need to stir this damn pound of ground beef. I’m p sure water is hot for me 😂

Oh, I have a story about that!

We went to Winco, and when we went, I didn’t even think to check up on the out… they rang the ground beef and fucking guess what!? It rang up as 44/$45 and after we got home I looked at the receipt and I’m like fuck 45 fucking dollars for 93/8% for GROUND BEEF? FUCK YOU

eggs are fucking retarded.. It might be the bird flu but it’s bullshit it’s fucking price gouging and the same when it comes to video cards and for anything in this day and age….

I work my ass off for a family of five and eggs for a dozen shouldn’t be near eight dollars…. they should be $1.50 and the fact that I’m paying for shredded cheese for almost $8.00 what the duck? The President is So GrEaT!1111 😒😖😖😖😖😖😖😖

Whatever 😒



[keichanz]

thank you all so much for your kind words and support, my dear friends. i'm doing alright. to be honest, i'm actually more irritated than upset to have lost my job, because the means in which it happened is absolute fucking bullshit.

i'll give a watered down version of what happened if anyone is curious. also if anyone is curious, i gave a bit of a life update, too.

warning: this is gonna be long lmao #sorrynotsorry

basically a few weeks ago i got sick and couldn't work, so i requested a leave of absence. it was approved for two weeks, from the dates 1/31/24 to 2/14/24. my work computer would be locked during that range, so i would be unable to sign in and work.

during that time frame, i had been receiving emails from my work that required me to complete a task confirming that i would be returning to work on the 15th. those emails were delivered to my spam folder, and i wasn't even aware i was supposed to be getting any emails, so i never even thought to check there.

on the 15th, when i went to sign into my computer, i discovered that my computer was still locked. during the last week, my supervisor had been off of work as well because he was also sick, so all of my calls and texts to him were unanswered. also wanna mention i didn't know he was off because i wasn't told. anything.

so basically, nobody told me shit, i didn't complete the required task because i didn't know i had to, my work was like "welp we didn't get this from you so we're taking it that you don't want to return to work, so you're terminated" and there you have it. i lost my job because of their fuck up and in turn they're saying it's my fault.

pretty fucked up, yeah?

but anyway. i honestly can't say that i'm terribly upset. i'd grown to hate the job. it was too overwhelming, and i've learned that i just cannot handle a call center job. i've known this for a while now so for the past few months i've been applying everywhere for a job where it'll still be an office environment because that's what i have the most experience in, but being on the phone constantly isn't a requirement. remote and onsite jobs because i can't afford to be picky.

and some good news, i have an interview friday morning :) it's actually a remote hybrid position, at least that's what the ad said, so i can definitely work with that. might be good to get out of my house every once i a while. working from home has turned me into a bit of a hermit lmao.

now on to the life update. it's been...difficult. my new year did not start off very well. literally on new years day, at about 8 am, i was woken up to the unpleasant sounds of a cat throwing up a hairball. fellow cat owners, i'm sure you all know the sound. so i got up to make sure he was okay and that he got it out of his system. instead what i found was a trail of phlegm and romeo struggling. then he darted off to another part of my house, and i followed after him, worried.

i'm gonna give a little warning just to be safe: the next part mentions blood.

i will never forget the sight that greeted me when i found him and over a month later the image still haunts me. romeo's front was covered in blood, with the stuff literally pouring from his mouth and i fucking screamed and i SPRINTED to my bedroom to get my phone to call the emergency vet. i made an appointment to bring him in, and when i went to check on romeo again, he was in the same spot, however he'd managed to pass a fucking massive hairball. he seemed to be breathing okay and didn't seem to be in any pain, so not knowing what to do, i called my mom and i was sobbing as i tried to explain what happened. she and my sister (who's now living with my parents temporarily but that's another story) ended up coming over to make sure i was okay because when i tell you i was hysterical when i called her, i mean it. i was barely coherent and crying so hard she couldn't understand me.

while i waited for them to arrive, my boyfriend (who i was in a sleep call with and i woke his ass up) kept me calm until they got here. i love that man seriously.

ashley looked romeo over since she'd worked with cats before when she worked for the ASPCA and told he's going to be okay. they managed to calm me down and convinced me not to go to the emergency vet in the city as it'd be a $200 fee. my mom called my local vet, left a message (as they were closed because of the holiday) and we waited for a call back. romeo was still doing okay and i cleaned him up the best i could. guys the amount of blood was...concerning. like seriously i was terrified to see him like that, i seriously thought something was wrong. god it was awful and i'm pretty damn sure i have some kind of PTSD from it. christ.

when the emergency vet called back, she said that romeo is going to be okay and the blood is probably just because the hairball was larger than normal and it aggravated his esophagus. said to just keep an eye on him, try to get him to eat something easily digestable, and if he's still vomiting, to call back and get him in today via emergency services.

so now, moving on. obviously afterward i made an appointment for him at my local vet, and it was discovered there that Romeo had a large matted hairball in his stomach. the vet had no idea how long it had been there, but it definitely needed to be removed, so he was scheduled for surgery. his surgery was about a month ago, and he's recovering very well. i'm beginning to wonder if that hairball had been the culprit of him constantly throwing up because now he's acting like his usual self of having the zoomies and he's throwing up less hairballs. so he's doing much better and i'm grateful, tho i'm still keeping a very close on him because fuck i NEVER want to go through that again. damn cat's gonna give me an ulcer with how much stress he put me through.

but wait, there's more lmao. not cat related, but something i've also been dealing with that i thought had been resolved last fucking YEAR. so, last year - actually around this time in february - i received a notice from the IRS that i owed over $3000 to them because my 2021 tax return did not match what is in federal data bases. and i was like uuuhh what. i had my dad look it over because im dumb when it comes to this sort of thing, and it was discovered that my social security number was used to claim unemployment benefits for the year 2021 in fucking CALIFORNIA. it's unclear if someone in the unemployment services in CA fucked up and typed in somebody's social wrong and used mine instead, or if someone in CA is deliberately using my SSN, but in either case, it's being used to claim UI. so i had to contact the unemployment services in CA which is called employment development department (i'll be calling it EDD) and guys lemme tell they are fucking IMPOSSIBLE to get a hold of. they are so understaffed that if someone is unavailable to take your call the automated system goes "sorry no one is available" and it just disconnects. so i had to call so many times to get myself into the damned queue, and even then the wait is nearly 30 minutes.

so i finally managed to get a human being, i explained everything to him, and he was able to confirm that yeah, i see the claim, you obviously don't live in california, and he told me to submit a fraud report stating that i don't live in ca, i have never lived in ca, i have no attachment to the workforce in ca, ect ect. i so submitted it, and then that was that and i thought that was the end of it and i didn't get anything else from the IRS for the rest of the year.

it was not.

the only reason i realized that this issue had NOT been resolved was because when i went to check the status of my federal tax return because GIMME MY DAMN MONEY I NEED IT, i got a message saying my refund had been "applied to overdue tax obligations" and i was like HELL NO so i called the IRS and yep they confirmed it was because of that stupid fucking unemployment bullshit and after yet again explaining everything that happened, they instructed me to call the EDD and ask for them to send me a corrected 1099 G form so i can in turn send it over to them then after that fill out an identify theft affidavit. so yet again, i called the EDD five million fucking times, managed to get in the queue, waited an ungodly amount of time to talk to a human, only to be told that lol sorry they can't prove that the claim isn't fraud just from what i told them so they can't send me a 1099 G form. im like?? BITCH I DON'T EVEN LIVE IN CALIFORNIA I NEVER HAVE YOU LITERALLY HAVE MY SSN CAN'T YOU LOOK THIS SHIT UP??? but nope they don't have proof so i was told i need to file an appeal on the "disqualification on the claim" (whatever tf that means) and submit ANOTHER fraud report.

so i did both of those things, then filled out the 14039 form (identity theft affidavit) and now i have to wait until march 4th to see if it was accepted and if i'll be getting my refund. which i desperately need because lol i haven't paid my rent this month :')) whoops.

moving on. since about last may, my kitchen has been getting renovated. so currently i do not have a kitchen. i don't have an oven, a kitchen sink, or even storage. well i kinda have storage because my cabinets were recently put up, but i can't use them all yet. i havent really been able to go grocery shopping and i've been living on microwavable meals and a LOT of takeout courtesy of doordash. it sucks because i MISS my kitchen, i wanna cook meals and actually fucking CLEAN MY HOUSE, but i can't. my dad has been amazing since he's the one doing it, and i'm forever grateful to him. my kitchen is about i'd say...maybe 80% finished. we're working on putting in the new flooring right now, so after that, i'll have my stove and sink again. it's nearly there!! i'll post pictures of the before and after is anyone is curious. so yeah i haven't had a kitchen for like almost a whole year lmao. it's been tough :'))

SO.

there you have it, folks. what i've been dealing with for the past month and a half. it has been stressful AF and please god i just need a break uuugghhh. but anyway, i applied for unemployment and waiting to see if i'll be getting anything from them as i continue my job search. hoping the interview friday goes well. i'll post an update if anyone is curious enough i suppose.

.....so i didn't mean for this to get so long lol thanks for sticking around to read the entire thing if you did. i'm glad some of my followers still care ❤️

i love you all and thanks for supporting me after all these years. grateful to have you guys and call you my friends.

anyway i'm gonna go play some DayZ and kill some zombies.

peace!

welp

lost my job lol

[stu-dying-fox]

I woke up this morning with some terrible cramps but still made it to the library by 11. My productivity is going down again now but I am quite proud of what I've gotten done so far. Sometimes writing a paper really is writing some terrible bullshit and then rewriting it and editing the shit out of it until it's just bull and then rewriting it again and editing it again and again and again.

And reading new academic papers a week and a half before the deadline when you've already spent five weeks reading academic papers to collect your sources.

[ill-heart]

Fears of the vicious whispers

        Here we go for the theme of the day. I hope your gonna enjoying even though... I must warn you, it’s not so long but full of hurt/comfort. 

Well, with insecurities as a theme... It’s difficult to do otherwise.

۩๑ ๑۩

 There were those mornings where Jason felt something bad coming. A intuition he inherited from his father, from what he heard in this family before.

He would wake with a pain in his chest, as if sugar was stuck in his heart and tried to suffocate him. It was odd, difficult to explain but nineteen percent of the time, his foreboding was proving to be right.

And this morning seemed to follow that awful path; as he awoke alone in his bed, eyes searching for his lover. Salim wasn’t in their bedroom, and the sheet were cold. He must have awoken hours ago. The younger man almost jumped at of bed as the sugar in his torso became bigger. He rushed into the house, checked every room in hope the Iraqi would be there, but he was nowhere to be seen. Jason started to fear the sun, started to be afraid of the ring bell and the news some folks would bring to him; then, he finally found his lover. Half of his body devoured by the obscurity, Salim rested on the couch as his eyes looked at the celling. He didn’t notice his lover crawling back to him, until a hand placed itself on his cheeks.

“Hey, darlin’.” Jason said as he caught the older man’s attention. “Ya had a bad dream?”

Salim’s mouth opened but not a single word escaped it. He tried to speak; however, his voice wouldn’t get out of his lips. He remained silent before he pushed his lover’s hand away, and looked at the celling once more.

Somethin’ ‘s bad. Jason felt it; in his heart and in his soul. He knew something terrible was about to be said, and he couldn’t stop it.

“Jason, do you…” Tears grew under the Iraqi’s eyelash. “… Don’t you ever think our relationship was a mistake?”

The sugar stuck in the American’s heart made him want to vomit.

**

“What’s gotten into ya, Salim?!”

“There is nothing wrong with me, I was just asking if you…”

“Nothin’ wrong?! What kind of bullshit is that?!” Jason’s teeth ground as anger flowed in him like a hurricane. “I woke up this mornin’ without ya in bed, and when I finally found ya, ya just ask me if we weren’t wron’ since the beginnin’! So, stop fuckin’ lyin’ to me!”

Maybe it wasn’t wise of him to freak out like this, but Salim’s interrogation hurt him more than he could express it. When the words dove into his mind and chest, he felt sick and wanted to scream. He wanted to smash everything, all the furniture and stupid items in the living room. He wanted to brutally shake his lover, in hope that his fears would be kicked out of his body. He wanted to destroy everything as the Iraqi only looked at the floor, with a mix of pain and shame dancing in his glance.

“It’s just…” Salim sighed and his whole body trembled. “I am sure it was a stupid joke but I can’t…”

Jason’s eyebrows raised as the rage substituted with incomprehension. A joke? What kind of joke could bring such a thought to the older man’s mind?

“Tell me.” An order he whispered with a commanding voice. He saw his lover shivering but he didn’t back down, nor excuse his sudden harshness. Salim couldn’t get away after such a behavior, the younger man wouldn’t let him. Not before you answered me.

“It’s just Eric…”

“Eric?’ What did this fuckin’ bastard said to ya? It wasn’t a secret that him and Jason didn’t get along; thanks to the man’s arrogance in the ruins and Jason’s comments on his tactics and coldness about the men who died because of his precious Caelus. Both of them tolerated each other presence because they had Nick and Rachel, but it was no pleasure cruise to be around someone you wanted to punch every time. “What did he told ya?”

“He just…” Salim looked like a child caught after he made something stupid. In other circumstances, Jason would have found him cute and might have teased him about his sudden silence or his littles shivers, but not now. Now, he only needed answers. “Tell me what he said to you, Salim.” Another order, growled with a low and menacing ton.

“He didn’t tell me anything!” The Iraqi looked upon him, eyes full of fatigue and tears. “I just happened to hear what he said about us to Rachel and…”

“And?”

Salim’s breath speeded up and his hands grabbed his pants roughly. He seemed to contain the anger and the despair rising in him. “He just… He just said that we would betray each other one day. He said we never loved each other, that we only did what was best for our survival and now… Now that we don’t need each other… He said you would find someone younger, someone more desirable to love and so you would just…” The older man’s voice broke as he confessed, tears rolling on his face. “You would just leave me alone.”

Jason’s body froze. For a moment, he only glared at his lover crying below him then fury took over him. Without a single word, he went to the corridor, grabbed his shoes and cap, and he left the house, rage boiling inside him.

**

“What the fuck are you doing, Kolchek?!”

Eric fell on the ground, nose and mouth bleeding as Jason stood over him. Nick rushed to hold him between his arms as the young lieutenant heard Rachel screaming something to him. I don’t care. I don’t fuckin’ care.

“Who are ya to judge my relationship with Salim?! No one, Colonel! Ya ain’t anyone so shup the fuck up!” He yelled, tried to get closer but his best-friend kept him still. “Jason, stop! I think he got it!”

“Ya don’t know shit about me! Ya didn’t back then, and ya still don’t! I would never betray Salim, I ain’t like ya! So shup the fuck up about us! ‘Cause if you make my man cry again… I will fuckin’ kill ya.”

And without saying more, he turned his back on Eric, made Nick let go of his grip and vanished in the fog reigning on the city.

**

When he came into his house again, Salim run into him, hundreds of apologies going out his mouth. He stayed close, but never touched him. He only excused his stupidity, how cold he had been to ask such a question and how sorry he was for making Jason angry.

Jason looked at him. He stared at his weeping face, his shivering shoulders and lips, then he grabbed his wrist and hugged him; like he never hugged him before. He held him for a minute or two, one hand on his back and the other on his neck; so Salim could cry on his collarbone.

After a while, he whispered against his ear: “I need ya, Salim. I need ya to survive here.” He felt his lover trembling in his arms, crying louder as he held him back. Salim’s arms closed on his back as he found the strength to murmur: “Me too, Jason… I need you. I really need you and if you leave me, I will…”

“I will never leave you, Salim. Never.”

Jason gently grabbed his lover’s chin, looked at his pleading eyes and promised once more: “Mark my words, Salim, ‘cause I will never go.”

And Salim kissed him. They kissed each other like they never did before. It was full of passion and despair, only broken with honest promises and caresses on their cheeks.

They fell on the couch, and the sugar stuck in Jason’s chest vanished.

[katsukikitten]

Part one. Master list for plus one can be found here.

Just a nice fic I decided to write for fun. Please enjoy!

Asshole!

He was nothing but a huge, giant fucking ASSHOLE for the entire two years the two of you were dating and he decides NOW is a good time to break up with you?

Two days before your cousin's wedding and over TEXT MESSAGE?!

That fucking asshole.

He knew how you felt. Exactly how you felt about going alone to your cousin's wedding after your family begged to meet your boyfriend and teased you for "probably making him up." Which hell, he may as well have been made up considering how absent he was in the relationship. Using work as an excuse to come home late but forgetting to turn off his snap location when he showed up at the bar.

So you did what any rational woman in her upper twenties would do.

You drowned your sorrows in booze, tonight red wine as it was the only thing around, and you scrolled through your socials in hopes of distracting yourself from your suffering.

Alas the devil that is Instagram only amplified your sadness and irritation. Showing couple after couple, your friends on hikes kissing on the mountain top, kissing in the flickering light of candles at a fancy dinner or, worst yet, getting proposed to. The video showing her in hysterics screaming, "YES I DO I DO!"

And it feels terrible to feel this way. Especially about your friends, the people you love and want to support, still it stings. You hadn't told anyone about the breakup, you weren't even sure your friends even remembered that asshole's name.

A teardrop lands on your screen, magnifying all the magical lights of the led beneath the glad. You wipe away the tear and with that the feed refreshes. A new post has come in at the top, Res Riot's official account.

Kirishima stands with a fat white cat in his arms. He dwarfs the animal with his large stature that looks larger as he still has his Red Riot gear on. The caption reads something along the lines of "missed my precious baby."

Red wine is a dangerous thing as your body acts on its own. You go to his page to hit the little arrow to DM him. Typing out and backspacing your message as you struggle from the booze, you decide to say fuck it and use the voice memo feature. Before you know it your sniffling voice is playing back to you after you've hit send.

"My ex broke up with me before this stupid wedding. It's in two days and my family is going to roast me big time when I show up alone. They think I made that asshole up. I don't know why I'm even in your dms. Your account is probably run by some dick head who can't even capture your kindness. I guess I'm here cause my first thought seeing you on my timeline was Red Riot has always been my hero…"

Ugh totally fucking cringe.

There is no surprise as you see the three normally ominous dots pop up, probably his social media manager about to ask you to stop your "advances" as Kirishima is too busy to date and he'd hate to block you or some other bullshit.

But there it is a surprise to see a little bubble with the play button and some vertical lines in various heights. It takes your sluggish brain a moment to realize you've been sent a voice memo. Odd. Your thumb smashes the screen faster than you can think and a deep voice rumbles through the speakers of your phone.

"Actually I run my official and personal socials. And I'm sorry to hear about your ex doll. He sounds like a real ass. I'll be your hero, I'll go with you to the wedding."

Your heart stutters, no way, no way in HELL this was Red Riot. You had read about the horror stories before or pervy account managers taking advantage of women who so desperately wanted to talk to their hero.

Hell, it's happened to Dynamight plenty of times.

You swallow quickly but the bile rushes up your throat. Not just from the anxiety of a possible con but from drinking an entire bottle of wine with nothing on your stomach after months of sobriety. Quickly you stumble to the bathroom, abandoning your phone on your bed. You barely make it in time to praise the porcelain Gods before you fall onto your back. Looking up at the light in your cramped bathroom, the orb doubles and spins as you feel the Earth turning on its axis. You curl into your side using your bathmat as a pillow as you drift off into sleep, totally forgetting about the voice memo on your phone.

As you sleep peacefully on your memory foam bath rug, Kirishima settles into his nightly routine. One giant hand grabbing strands of long dark red hair into a towel while another sits snugly around his Adonis belt and the thick, black happy trail that follows up the center of his abs before spreading out onto his chest. He tosses the towel over the open door of the bathroom before sitting in his favorite armchair with phone in hand. Diamond, his beautiful white cat he rescued a few years ago, jumps onto the arm of the chair, purring loudly when Kirishima's free hand scratches her ears absentmindedly.

He chuckles to himself as he realizes exactly what he's done. Acting on a feeling instead of logic all because he heard a "damsel in distress." Starting off his rare vacation with spontaneity starting with an impromptu date with a stranger. He really isn't sure what you look like and it's obvious your handle doesn't have your real name in it, just PrincessPeach with some random numbers at the end. He takes the time to scroll through your profile. Seeing pictures of food, of many sunsets, a friend's dog that guest appears often, your own cat and plenty of strays.

It takes him a while before he sees a photo of you. His heart stutters in his chest as he looks you over. Laughing with a friend, soft lighting from strings over head that blur like little fireflies. Your smile is wide, half hidden by your hands as your eyes seem to smile with you. Sparkling as if they held stars.

For a moment Kirishima forgets how to breathe, it isn't until Diamond jumps down from the armchair does he inhale. He smiles softly to himself before he drops his towel, puts his phone on charge and promptly falls asleep in his bed.

Kirishima rises before the sun even has a chance to filter through his blinds. He sighs softly, getting up to a sitting position disturbing a fluffy white ball that lays beside him.

"Mmrow." Moon stone eyes blink slowly as they look at the mountainous man hogging the bed.

"I didn't mean to wake you sweet baby." He says softly, going to pet the soft white fur only for her to get up stretch and give him her butt before plopping back down.

"I know, mean ol' daddy woke you up too early again." He says softly, his hand falling onto her back before he rises from the bed. Fishing for his running shorts, socks, headphones and shoes. He makes his protein shake, leaning on the counter as he drinks it, looking at how you read, or better yet, listened to his message but still no reply. It was late and there was a small slurring of your words, he figures you've passed out. He just hopes you're okay.

His run goes as usual, up before anyone else unless they were the normal avid runner. Passing by the usual array of people. An old man holding onto his youth by jogging through his daily five mile morning run, Kirishima knows he runs another five in the evening while the sun is setting. He hopes he can embody some of this man's commitment when he is older. Then he passes a middle aged woman, who gives him the biggest smile as she pases, jogging backward to send him a wink before plowing ahead. Occasionally he'll see a running group or a few teens training to be heroes, they always ask if they can run his route. "It's long." He always warns in a kind, warm voice. They assure him they will be fine so far only one other person could handle his 12 mile morning run. A young woman in her second year of hero courses at UA. Since then Kirishima put in a word with his boss and so every time internships roll around she's in the office.

By the time Kirishima is rounding back towards his high rise apartment, the city begins to stir. Slowly waking as men and women in business suits rush towards the train, parents flinging open the doors or curtains fussing at their children who cling to an extra few minutes of sleep before school.

This was always his favorite part of the run, not because it was almost over, oh no it was because he had a chance to glimpse at everyday life. Of nine to fives, of school hours and after school hangs outs at snack bars or the library.

What most would call the mundane but Kirishima would never call it that. It's why he worked so hard to protect it.

Diamond greets his sweaty form at the door. Glaring angrily with her moon stone eyes. Tail swishing before she goes to the kitchen by her bowl. Waiting impatiently.

"I'm not late, sweet cheeks." He coos, and she glares, "I know I know. You're hungry now."

He opens the fridge, gets out the highest quality food there is and places it on her dish, sure to keep it all in the middle or she'll claim her bowl was empty. He added a splash of water too since the weather was starting to get hot.

He sucks down a water or two, demolishes a protein bar and then heads to the apartment gym.

A few hours roll by and without hearing from you yet his worry over your well being begins to cloud the forefront of his mind. He pauses his music, picks up his phone and talks out a voice memo.

A loud DING echoes from your room and around your skull as you rise with a throbbing headache.

"Fuck." You hiss to yourself grabbing at your head as you shakily rise to your feet. Yanking the handle of the faucet to drink from the stream before looking at yourself in the mirror.

"Ugh." You grunt ignoring your swollen face and eyes, yanking the mirror door open to snatch at the bottle of aspirin. Swallowing THREE extra strength pills before slamming the door shut and turning off the faucet. You make your way towards your bedroom, more than ready to sleep the rest of your day away. Grabbing at your phone to charge it you see the push notification of an Instagram message from Red Riot.

The fucking Red Riot.

Internally you scream before it bubbles up your throat and escapes. You fumble to unlock your phone before looking that it's a voice memo.

Mortified you realize you sent one too. And first at that.

"Fuck MEEE!" You plop onto the bed. Nervous this second voice memo is probably about how you're a weirdo or something as you relive the memory of asking him to be your plus one.

Hesitantly your thumb hovers over the play button before you find the strength to press the cool glass. A soft thunderous voice plays out.

"Good morning sleepy head. I haven't heard from you yet, I hope you're okay. Be sure to drink some water and eat something greasy. Trust me, late nights with Denki and Bakugou taught me something. Since the wedding is tomorrow I'll need a picture of your dress for the color and style so I can match you Sweet pea. Contact me soon so I can know where to pick you up."

Did he… did he just call you SWEET PEA? Your heart pounds in your chest before it registers he's asked for your dress color and lowkey asked for your address. This couldn't be real. It sounded like Kirishima, his voice familiar from interviews you've watched but it very well could be a prank. Defeated you hit the small microphone and reply.

Kirishima hears a sharp DING in his headphones over his music as he finishes his set. He wipes the sweat from his face on his shirt giving the few people in the gym a lovely view of his sweaty and thick torso. One woman trips on the treadmill but it goes unnoticed by Kirishima. He pauses his music and hits play on the little memo. Your beautiful yet groggy voice comes in through his ear buds causing Kirishima to bite his lip. It causes such a flutter of butterflies in his stomach he has to listen a second time to actually hear what you said. Although he understand, he cannot help but feel hurt by your reply.

"How do I know you're not just some pervy guy using Kirishima's Godly looks to prey on unsuspecting people."

Your phone chirps at you from the bed stand and you growl reaching for it. You had hoped your message would have been clear. An unspoken of you know they're a fucking creep taking advantage of their PR job.

"What can I do to prove it to you, Sweet Pea?"

You hate how that cute nickname sends your heart into a somersault and your stomach in delightful knots. Still your doubt pulls a harsh tut from your lips before you reply.

Kirishima doesn't need his phone to alert him that you've messaged him, he's been looking at his screen for far to long without having to restart his set. He listens to your voice as if it were music.

"Fine, you wanna prove it to me so bad. Take a picture of yourself shirtless with the word 'Sweet pea' you love so much and send it to me. No photoshop I know what my favorite hero looks like!"

For over an hour you don't hear back and you figure you showed that perv.

But now you can't sleep so you nurse a water, door dash a "greasy" breakfast all before cranking your shower as high as it can go. Your phone dings and you try to ignore it. You really do but as the saying goes curiosity killed the cat. Opening the message you see a classic guy mirror selfie. Kirishima is clear as day in the photo, his large hand pointing to his bare, hairy chest where sweat pea is scrawled in his adorable handwriting. He winks at the camera as his kissable lips wear a dangerous, almost cocky eyes travel down his bulk following his happy trail that dives under a pair of black shorts, the best part of the view getting cut off by the vanity. At first you try to rationalize that this was fake but damning evidence was sitting on the vanity. A fluffy white cat in a diamond and ruby encrusted collar sits on the counter giving her owner an odd look.

His cat Diamond that everyone knows he loves and adores. Slick begins to collect between your thighs and especially so after you listen to the voice memo that comes through shortly after. His normally friendly and soft voice comes out a bit dark, husky as he says in a playfully annoyed tone.

"Now send me a picture of that dress, Sweet Pea."

[wyn-n-tonic]

Two in the Morning

Word Count: 620 Warnings: None?  Author's Note: HEY LOOK I MADE YOU SOME CONTENT! 

Intimidating.

That’s how one would describe him.

Tall and broad and built.

But that’s not who Benjamin Miller is. 

He’s goofy with a laughter like sunshine and a kiss that tastes like pink Starbursts. 

He loves pizza and terrible music and every dog that has ever existed and he loves you. He loves you like you’re a shower after a long day. Like a blanket on a cold night or a fast car on a deserted street. 

He’s messy in an immaculate kind of way, a controlled substance of a man it’s easy to get addicted to.

He likes to be called baby and told that he’s a good man. Kind and worthy and loved as he shakes and rocks in your arms.

“Baby,” you say in unison, laughter ghosting against each other under the moonlight soaking the room through the open window.

His hair is barley blond and grown long, mustache tickling your nose as he presses kisses to your lips. To your cheek. Your eyelids and the tip of your nose.

“Baby,” he says again, weight resting on one arm as the other glides beneath your shirt and up your ribs, “if you were an animal, which one do you think you would be?” 

The clock ticks toward two in the morning, his laughter vibrating into your throat from where he nuzzles against your neck. 

His nights are restless, hours spent awake by your side reading or writing. He has the new Stephen King book laid facedown beside your head, his sweet voice coaxing you from sleep because, “I missed you.” 

He always wants one more hour, terrified that the next is the one you’ll figure out he’s a fraud. Pack your things and his favorite Kiss shirt and drive as far away from him as you can.

Stroking his hair, you hum in thought, indulging his late night antics like every night before.

���I think you’d be a cat,” he continues, lifting his face to find your eyes as his hand strokes across your temple, “one of those marbled ones you always lose it over, constantly bumping your head into somebody’s hand to be pet.” 

“Like you’re doing to me now?”

His eyes are dark and sparkly as he cups your cheek, “yeah, just like I’m doing now.”

His lips are on yours again, parting your mouth to dart his tongue against yours. His kiss is languid, hot. The only noise in the quiet of the night the soft mewls he begins pulling from you as he rocks against you.

“I know you’re tired,” he rests his forehead on yours, “I'm sorry I woke you up.”

His features are are sharp and soft all at once, the downward slope of his eyebrows framing his upturned eyes perfectly, sheepish smile wrinkling the skin around them.

“If you were a dessert,” you whisper, fingers flexing down the soft hair that coats his cheeks, “what kind would you be and would you be served with ice cream or whipped cream?” 

He smiles, lips pressing softly against yours, a quiet thank you for indulging his bullshit.

“I answered for you, baby, it’s only fair you answer for me.” 

The callouses on his hand are a rough comfort, the warmth that radiates through his palm radiating straight through your ribcage.

“I think you’d be ice cream with sprinkles,” the s drawn out on a yawn, “and whipped cream and a banan—“ 

His lips cut you off again, his thumb rubbing against the corner of your mouth as he kisses and kisses and kisses you.

Benjamin Miller is sweet with a full heart that aches for comfort and thick arms that provide it, chasing the warmth of words and light and you in every waking moment.

[whoiwanttoday]

I woke up this morning with the James song Laid in my head. You've probably heard it even if you don't think you have, it was a regular on sound tracks and trailers once upon a time. Anyway, I was rather young when it came out and it was like... very cool in my opinion. It romanticized this sort of disaster of a relationship that I very much wanted because it was the sort of painful train wreck you read about from all the coolest gin fueled authors. Images of alcoholic wrecks fighting with each other in a relationship that's main goal was to destroy one another somehow felt very glamorous. A lot of young people go through this I think. Anyway, as I got older and indeed had some pretty terrible, no good, very bad relationships they lost their luster and I don't know when but eventually I came to realize the narrator in the song is an absolute asshole. He seemed so cool to me once upon a time, this girl was obsessed with him and listen to that word play, the neighbors complain about the noises above but she only cums when she's on top? Amazing. Now I know he's just a dick drama queen falling into that same bullshit men love to do. "This chick is so crazy, she's so obsessed with me". It's Drama Queen nonsense that puts them at the center of someone's obsession because they are so great and also completely leaves out all the shit they did to lead to this. I don't know this made up person but years of experience have taught me he probably is crazy codependent and obsessively clung to this woman until one day he got tired of it and pushed her away. Then she is the crazy one for not understanding things changed and being hurt when she figured out she did. What a nut job! Anyway, my point is age can often take the exact same thing in your life and radically recontextualize it. Life preexistence helps, as does empathy for other points of view, being a teenager is sort of inherently self absorbed, the world doesn't extend much beyond your fingertips. That's not a criticism, it's an important part of figuring out who you are but age definitely has put you in enough different shoes to realize you're not always the main character in the story and you certainly aren't always the hero. Anyway, I was thinking about that this morning and how much stuff can shift in your brain over time but also your heart and so on. Ship of Theseus stuff. There is also a new Street Fighter game on the horizon which always means google pushes articles to me about the Chun Li reveal because I guess Google knows me better than anyone else on the planet. For whatever reason as a kid I just thought Chun Li was amazingly hot. This was not something I shared with friends because it felt somehow shameful or... look, they would have mocked me. I would have mocked anyone who told me like Kitanan was hot or something. They were pixels (Sonia Blade got a pass from people cause the first mortal combat had that video stuff of her getting ready to break blocks) and thus it would be shameful to be attracted to them. And you know, in fairness, we are talking about changes of perspective and Chun Li looked like this when I was a kid.

Which is my way of saying not everything changes. I was right then and I am right now. Look at the way she kicks. Can you do that shit? Find me one other person who can kick so fast her feet make blue stuff come out. You can't. You won't. Judge me all you want, at least Google gets me. Today I want to fuck Chun Li Xiang.

[kpopfanfictrash]

Raise the Barre (Ch. 3)

Author: kpopfanfictrash

Pairing: Jimin / Reader

Rating: 18+ (Eventual Smut)

Genre: Enemies to Lovers / Dance Academy!AU

Warnings: descriptions of past bullying 

Word Count: 6,816

Summary: You and Park Jimin have been rivals for as long as you’ve known one another; ever since he tripped you in the front row of your first dance convention. When you graduate from high school and enter Russet Ballet Academy, you tell yourself you’re leaving all past quarrels behind. The main problem with this though, is that your past seems determined not to leave you alone.

Worse still, the obstacles you face while out in the real world might prove more challenging than anything your enemy has to offer.    

It was nearly eleven when you returned to your room later that night, collapsing on your bed in a disgruntled heap. You barely had enough energy to change out of your clothes and shower, though you forced yourself to do so, if only for the sake of appearances.

Noelle was already asleep, so she didn’t have the presence of mind to grill you, but her questions came as soon as you woke up the next morning. Seated at a table in the coffee shop on the corner, you opened your yogurt and spilled your frustrations.

“So, that’s where I am,” you said, shaking your head when you reached the end of the story. “Miss Britt pulled me aside and I need to find someone to tutor me, fast. Fun times.”

“That’s bullshit.” Noelle looked outraged. “You’re clearly one of the best dancers at Russet! It’s why Sabrina has such a problem with you. She knows you’re competition.”

“Thanks,” you said, a bit glum. “But Miss Britt is right – I’m no ballerina. I need more practice if I want to catch up to the rest of class.”

“But you don’t even want to be in Russet’s ballet company! You’re a talented dancer outside of that specific genre.”

“True. But if I can’t make it through freshman year, that doesn’t really matter – does it?”

Noelle fell silent for a moment, not having a response as you sighed.

“It’s not like I expect you to have a solution,” you admitted. Scooping another bite of yogurt from your parfait, you shoved this in your mouth. “It’s my problem to figure out.”

Noelle leaned back. “Maybe you should take Miss Britt’s suggestion,” she said.

You gave Noelle a look of such open disgust, she had to laugh.

“I’m serious!” She grinned, taking a sip of her coffee. “Obviously, Sabrina’s the worst, but you could ask Jimin. Is he really as bad as you say?”

“That all depends,” you mused. “Is Satan as bad as they say?”

“Never met him, so I can’t be sure.”

“Well, I have met Jimin and can definitively say he’s the worst. If I went to him for help, I’d never hear the end of it.”

“Hm.” Noelle sounded skeptical to you; she clearly thought you were exaggerating, but this was one subject on which you were unwilling to budge. “Maybe you can ask someone else, then. An older student? Oo – you could ask Seokjin! He’s so hot.”

Perked up by this idea, you casually stirred your coffee. “You know what, that’s not a bad idea. He’s super talented and clearly knows what the teachers are looking for.”

“See!” Noelle set down her fork. “You have plenty of options.”

“You might be right,” you said with a smile.

Feeling marginally better about the whole situation, you pulled out your phone to search Russet’s website for Seokjin. All the teacher’s assistants had a web page where they offered private lessons, much like Miss Britt and other teachers. Unfortunately for you though, all of Seokjin’s slots were full.

This seemed to be the case with most upperclassmen and you sighed, standing from the table to clear your place. Discouraged by this, you threw your phone in your bag while you left the shop. Noelle began suggesting other students she knew while you walked to class, but you had already begun to fixate on what was probably a terrible idea.

The more you thought about it, the more you realized Miss Britt’s initial suggestion made sense. Sabrina was frustrating, but she knew all the teachers and had the most training of your class in classical ballet. True, you hadn’t gotten off to the best start, but you’d played a part in that, too. The first night you met, you didn’t have to be a dick to her.

Most importantly, you didn’t have the same history with Sabrina that you did with Jimin. Jimin had been your rival since day one – it’d take more than some halfhearted peace offering to make him forget that. Your relationship with Sabrina was new enough you still had hope it could change.

Besides, you already knew she did morning barre on days off from class. Surely, she wouldn’t say no if you asked to tag along. Cheered by this thought – you were the type of person who enjoyed having a plan – you perked up, chatting eagerly with Noelle as you walked to class.

Wednesday ballet was held by Mr. Jordan, the only teacher at Russet who was routinely late to class. Only by five minutes, but you found it remarkable how consistently he hit this deadline. The rest of the class arrived fifteen minutes early regardless – better to be consistently early than to be late the one week Mr. Jordan wasn’t, and be banished to the hall.

You and Noelle entered at 8:50 AM, setting your bags on the ground to stake out your place at the barre. You were midway across the room when you saw Sabrina and paused.

Her pointe shoes were already on, doing slow relevés at the barre in the center. You hesitated only a moment before turning to Noelle.

“I’m going to do barre over there today,” you said, nodding in Sabrina’s direction. “See you after, okay?”

Noelle looked up in alarm, but you had already turned, halfway across the floor. When you reached Sabrina, you set your bag down and took a long sip of water.

Sabrina ignored you, placing one leg on the barre to bend at the waist. You waited a moment for her to rise and when she did not, set your hand on the barre.

“Hey,” you said, waiting for a response.

Sabrina didn’t react.

Moving to stand opposite, you lifted your leg to place beside her own. Stretching an arm overhead, you leaned forward until your face was mere inches away.

“How’s your morning?” you said, trying your best to be pleasant.

Sabrina released a long, slow sigh. 

“Good.”

You waited, but she said nothing more and, feeling kind of stupid, you glanced over your shoulder. Noelle remained at your usual spot by the door. You were momentarily tempted to leave and join her, but then you remembered what Miss Britt had said. You needed a tutor.

You could do this. You had made it to Russet Academy, dammit – asking Sabrina to help couldn’t be more difficult than fifteen years of ballet class.

“Do you have a second?” you said, lowering your voice. “I wanted to ask you something.”

After another long pause, Sabrina raised her head. “What?”

She sounded curious at least, which you supposed was a start. Even if said curiosity didn’t extend to her lowering her leg, or even her voice.

“Uh…” You blinked, your nervousness rising. If Sabrina said no, it would be absolutely humiliating. “I know you’ve been training at Russet longer than most people in our class.”

Sabrina stared. “And?”

You bit down on your lip to keep from saying something you’d regret. Clearly, Sabrina wasn’t going to make this easy on you and again, you wondered if this was a bad idea. You reminded yourself that you’d committed to doing whatever was necessary to keep your spot at Russet.

“I don’t know if you noticed, but ballet isn’t really my dance style.” Ignoring the small smirk she gave, you continued. “I know it’s yours though, so I was wondering if you’d be open to practicing together sometime. You know, maybe you could give me some pointers.”

Sabrina looked at you a long moment, then lowered her leg. Bending lithely at the waist, she grasped her water bottle to take a casual swig. She remained silent the entire time, forcing you to stand there and watch. To stand there and wait while she considered your proposition.

The kernel of humiliation within you grew even further.

Sabrina turned her head. “Do you know what my mom said to me when I told her I wanted to dance professionally?”

You blinked, not having expected this as a response. It wasn’t an actual answer to your question, so you tried not to sound annoyed when you said, “Uh, no.”

Sabrina arched a brow. “She said there wasn’t much room for women at the top.”

“She… huh?”

“Success is a zero-sum game.” Sabrina spoke slowly, as one would to a child. “There are fifteen spots offered at the end of our four-year program. If you get one, that means there’s one less spot for me at the table. Why would I help when it’s to my best interest not to?”

For a moment you could only stare at her, open-mouthed.

“See?” Sabrina set her water bottle down. “You can’t even think of a good reason. Maybe you weren’t a ballerina before, but you were a dancer. You know how competitive this field is, especially for women.”

An uncomfortable feeling spread through you. Sabrina’s words were remarkably similar to what you had said to Jimin but still, you hated hearing them thrown back in your face.

“You don’t think this is all a little… juvenile?” you said, a last-ditch effort to salvage the situation. “This isn’t high school anymore, Sabrina. We’ve all made it.”

“Yeah – to Russet,” she said, point blank. “This is barely the start if you want to dance professionally, Y/N. It’s nothing against you personally, if that makes you feel any better.”

“Oh, good. As long as it’s not personal.”

Sabrina smirked. “Well, maybe it’s a little personal. Like I said to you yesterday, I really wouldn’t mind having Jimin for a partner. If you got kicked out, that would solve things, wouldn’t it?”

Teeth gritted, you stopped the next words from leaving your mouth. They hung on the tip of your tongue, stillborn while you pointedly shoved them back down. If you said anything more to her, you might seriously regret it and Sabrina wasn’t worth that kind of stress to you now.

Turning around, you bent to pick up your bag – only to stop as Mr. Jordan entered the room.

“Sorry I’m late, class!” he said, shaking free from his jacket. “Subway was a nightmare. Anyways, I’m here now, so let’s start.”

Realizing you were stuck, you slowly turned back around. It seemed your place at the barre had been decided. Sabrina hid her smile when you took a step closer, placing one hand on the barre and lifting your chin in the air.

It had been silly to ask Sabrina for help. You apparently expected too much from someone so utterly determined to rise alone to the top. You could only assume that kind of attitude would one day rise to bite her in the ass but until then, you just had to grin and bear it.

Even more irksome was the fact that she’d said so many of the same things you’d told Jimin. Pushing this uncomfortable thought aside, you forced yourself to concentrate on the combination Mr. Jordan began.

The entire length of the barre, you avoided eye contact with Sabrina. It was a difficult feat, but you managed it because you had no other choice. Throughout tendus, dégagés and rond de jambes, you sucked it up and stood next to Sabrina in glowering silence.

You were so concentrated, the time at the barre seemed to go by faster than usual. The first time you glanced at the clock was when Mr. Jordan stopped to call for a water break.

Bending abruptly, you grabbed the straps of your bag and said nothing to Sabrina while you walked away. Setting your stuff by near Noelle, you straightened and began to furiously unscrew your cap. She gave you a sympathetic look while you did this, reaching overhead to studiously re-do her bun.

“That bad, huh?” she said.

Furious, you scowled. “She’s an asshole.”

Noelle’s brows shot straight up. “Damn,” she whistled. “What’d the ice queen say?”

“That she hopes I drop out,” you said shortly, turning around. “That there’s only so much room for women at the top. She told me dance is a zero-sum game and if she helps me get a spot at Russet Company, it’d be one less spot for her to take.”

Noelle made a disappointed noise with her tongue. “See,” she said, around a mouthful of bobby pins. “That’s exactly the kind of attitude that’s kept women down for centuries. Let’s ban together to burn the men!”

Although you laughed a little, you quieted quickly. Remembering your conversation with Sabrina made your legs a bit shaky. Shutting your eyes, you took several deep breaths until you felt calmer.

“I know,” you said with a sigh. “I know that it’s stupid and ultimately, I don’t care what Sabrina thinks – but she just makes me so mad.”

“She really said she hopes you drop out?”

Opening your eyes, you nodded. “Apparently, she wants Jimin as her ballet partner.”

“W-ow.” Noelle shook her head. “This plot has more twists than the Winchester mansion.”

Unable to help it, you snorted. “Oh, well,” you said glumly, following Noelle out on the floor. “It’s probably for the best. If this is how she reacts to me asking for help, imagine how awful she’d be as an instructor.”

“Yeah, you definitely dodged a bullet there,” Noelle agreed.

When Mr. Jordan cleared his throat, this led to a scurrying of movement as everyone took their places. He began to show the combination, leading the class through the steps with an easy poise. When the time came for you to break into pairs, you were forced to look around the room before you spotted Jimin.

He stood on the opposite side from you, practicing the steps Mr. Jordan had laid out. You blinked, hesitating a moment before crossing the room to his side. Every time before now, he had come to stand beside you.

Coming to a stop, you looked at him curiously. “Why’re you over here?”

Jimin shrugged in response.

You opened your mouth to continue, but then Mr. Jordan began the partner portion of the combo. Falling silent, you stood beside Jimin while you learned the steps. He was oddly quiet. This quietness alone wasn’t enough to raise any brows, though you typically exchanged at least minimal small talk. You know, hand here, leg there, lift your arms higher – that type of thing.

His silence wasn’t the only thing about him that was odd, though. His grip on your waist felt different today – rough, almost angry as you practiced the first lift. You winced when you landed, stumbling a bit as you whirled around.

“What was that?” you demanded.

Jimin blinked innocently. “What was what?”

You stared at him a moment before deciding it wasn’t worth it. “Whatever,” you said, turning around. “Gentler, next time – okay?”

“Sure.”

Jimin moved back into place, standing in fifth position while Mr. Jordan started the song over. The combination wasn’t an adagio, comprised of slower movements, but a fast-paced pas de deux he’d created last week. You didn’t have much experience with this kind of partnering; most of your classes had preferred slower movements so far.

The fast pace required a higher level of trust with your partner, since you didn’t have time to second-guess all their movements. Apparently, Mr. Jordan had decided the fastest way to learn was to do. Jimin led you through the combination, one hand firm on your waist.

Normally, Jimin was a solid male partner to you. He knew when to push, when to hold back and when to allow you to take the lead. This no longer seemed to be the case. As you started to dance, you found yourself a bit dizzy. Jimin didn’t let you finish each spot before he whisked you around, keeping you – both literally and metaphorically – on your toes.

A swear nearly escaped when he pulled you to his chest – eyes flashing, you turned and started to boureé away. Jimin chassed forward, ending in a lunge for circular port de bras.

“You’re doing it again,” you muttered, moving behind him.

Facing forward, you piqued into arabesque.

“Doing what?” he said blithely.

Jimin twisted, grasping your hand in his as he crossed behind. Placing one hand on your hip, he waited for you to wrap your leg around him in attitude arabesque.

“You know what,” you hissed, as he walked you in a promenade.

Extending your leg fully, you lowered yourself in a penché. Contrary to their appearance, penchés were difficult to do with a partner. It involved an extension to arabesque, then bending with said leg held at a ninety-degree angle, or higher. The male helped with the motion, but his addition altered both your centers of gravity. It might have seemed logical for him to stand behind you, but he actually needed to stand slightly off center. It was easy for one – or both – of you to lose your balance.

You and Jimin had practiced the move enough that it’d become second nature – which is why you began to panic when you felt Jimin’s weight shift.

“Jimin,” you whispered, clenching your abs. “Step back!”

“Step back?” he said innocently, not moving at all.

“Yes! Jimin, you –”

He languidly stepped into the correct position, helping you up a second before you toppled over. You spun, eyes blazing and Jimin caught your knee. The smile he gave you sent rage through your veins, since it was instantly apparent he’d been fucking with you.

You imagined those cartoons where the main character’s head exploded, or became a volcano, or turned into a tea kettle that had steam escaping. This was exactly how you felt, but there was no time to respond, since the next portion of the combination was fast and required intense concentration. Shooting Jimin a glare which promised him a painful death, you continued.

Luckily, barre had been long, so only one combination remained until you were released from class. You contained your annoyance until class had ended, turned to stalk across the room the second Mr. Jordan turned off the music.

Noelle chuckled when she saw, noticing your clear annoyance. “Oh, no,” she said, glancing across the room. “What’d he do now?”

“Oh, nothing,” you seethed, tossing things in your bag. Yanking out sweatpants, you tugged these over your leotard. “Nothing a little conversation won’t fix.”

Knowingly, Noelle nodded. “Is ‘conversation’ code for beating Jimin up in the parking lot?”

Despite yourself, you laughed, slinging your bag over your shoulder. “Unfortunately not,” you said with a sigh as you walked from the room. “This’ll be a lot less fun.”

You came to a stop in the hall, some of your anger diminishing. A current of annoyance simmered beneath the surface though, since it was one thing for Jimin just not to like you – it was another entirely that he purposefully antagonize and jeopardize your career. This was exactly what you’d been worried about when you’d been assigned as partners.

“Well.” Noelle glanced at the room. “Did you want to get dinner tonight? You know, after you’re done tearing Jimin a new one.”

“Dinner sounds good,” you agreed. “I’m hanging out with Finn later, but I’m free before then.”

Noelle nodded sagely. “Good, good. I hear it’s healthy to fuel up before a massive sex marathon.”

Jimin – who’d been exiting the room – stopped short.

“Uh – what?” he said, glancing between you.

Waggling her fingers goodbye, Noelle shrugged and walked past. “Nothing for you to worry about. Good luck walking later, Park!”

Jimin stared at her as she left, completely bewildered until you grabbed him by the elbow and started dragging him away. He stumbled forward, not having expected the motion – but caught up to you fast as he tugged his arm free.

“Hey! Whoa, Y/N – what’re you doing?”

You whirled to face him in the hall.

“What was that?” you demanded.

Jimin blinked at you, uncertain. “Uh, let’s see. I was minding my own business and you just assaulted me –”

“During class,” you interrupted, gesturing at the classroom. “You had such an attitude today. You can’t even say it wasn’t purposeful, because –”

“Y/N.” Jimin stared in disbelief. “Are you seriously asking me what’s wrong? Your memory can’t be that short.”

Faltering a bit, you came to a stop. Jimin’s expression told you you were missing something big. It was last night, you realized. Jimin was mad about last night, when he’d chased you down the hall and you’d basically told him to fuck off.

“Ah,” Jimin said, seeing your understanding dawn. “I take it you remember now. That time you ambushed me in the hall and said I don’t deserve to be here?”

“That’s… that’s not what I meant by that.”

“Oh?” His laugh sounded forced. “You told me I only worked half as hard as you did.”

“Well, because you do!” you sputtered.

The words escaped despite your intent to stay cordial. Jimin was right; you had exploded last night and some of that wasn’t his fault, but the core of what you’d told him remained. Guys did have an easier time than girls in the dance world. That was just a fact.

“Come on, Y/N.” Angrily, Jimin shoved a hand through his hair. “You seriously think that I’ve had it easy? I used to hide my dance stuff in a hockey bag because all the kids at my school teased me about wearing tights.”

Somewhat uncomfortably, you recalled what Finn had said the other night at dinner. Jimin wasn’t wrong about external prejudices regarding male dancers.

“I’m not saying you weren’t teased, Jimin.”

“Teased?” He stared at you in disbelief. “Y/N. I was beat up every day on the playground for the entirety of third grade. When I was eleven, some kids filled my locker with used tampons because I was a ‘pussy.’ Freshman year, I asked a girl to the dance and she said yes – only to stand me up the night of because her friends thought it’d be funny. I once went to ballet class in bare feet for a week because some assholes stole my bag and hid it in the women’s locker room. My life was shit half the time, Y/N,” he said, with sudden vehemence. “The only reason I kept going was because I love dance more than anything else.”

Jimin stopped talking, slightly out of breath and you stared at him in shock, never having heard him this angry before.

You’d thought that you had. You’d thought he’d been angry all those times you beat him in dance, but you had never seen Jimin looking anything like this. Hurt, a little broken and fiercely determined.

In some ways, it felt like the first time you’d seen him.

“Yeah, well…” You paused, trying to gather your thoughts. “I don’t know what to say to that. That sucks.”

Jimin laughed, a bit hollow. “Yeah, sure,” he muttered, glancing away. “Fuck. I didn’t want to… make you feel bad, or whatever. That’s not why I said it. I just wanted you to know I’ve also overcome stuff to be here.”

Hearing him speak, you both bristled and wondered why he said it like that. Like he wanted you specifically to know and not someone else.

“I’m not saying you haven’t worked hard,” you admitted. “That sucks, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that there are ten female dancers for every one guy. Dance is a lot more competitive for women than men.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t also worked my ass off.”

“No one’s saying you didn’t,” you snapped, finally fed up. “I’m just saying more doors were opened for the effort you gave than for mine. And besides,” you added, unable to help yourself. “I’m sure it was real hard, coming from Harleigh Heights.”

Jimin seemed baffled by this. “What does my hometown have anything to do with this?”

“Oh, come on, Jimin. You can’t be that naïve.”

“What’re you talking about?”

“You’re rich!” you blurted. “Or at least, your family is. You could afford all those fancy master classes in the city. You had private lessons, small group lessons and whatever else your parents’ money could buy. All I had was Rita’s Dance Studio.”

Jimin hesitated. “Rita’s isn’t… bad.”

“Jimin,” you said. “I was the only person from my studio to ever place at national dance competitions.”

“That doesn’t mean the studio itself was bad!”

“You have a fucking car in the city!”

He gave you a bewildered look. “What does… that have to do with anything?”

“It’s just another reason we’re different,” you groaned, rubbing your temple. “I know you work hard. I know you do, but you’ve also had way more advantages than I have and sometimes, that sucks.”

Jimin paused. “That’s not really something I can control.”

“It’s not,” you admitted through gritted teeth. Deciding you were done with this conversation, you moved to walk past. “It isn’t your fault, but the challenges we’ve faced aren’t the same and you know it.”

Before you could leave, Jimin grabbed your arm.

He turned you to face him, barely an inch from his face. Everyone always said Jimin reminded them of a puppy – cute, loveable, and eager to please. This had never been something you agreed with. Sure, Jimin could be cute when he wanted to be, but beneath that lay a deeper hunger, an insistent desire to prove himself in a way you found all too relatable.

Jimin held your gaze. “Seeing as you’ve never walked in my shoes and I’ve never walked in yours,” he said quietly. “Why don’t we stop making comparisons?”

Your gaze narrowed a bit, but before you could respond, he continued.

“If you’re having trouble keeping up, stop making excuses and ask someone for help.” Abruptly, he dropped your arm. “Otherwise, you’ll never improve.”

Jimin left without another word, jerking his bag higher as he stalked down the hall. You watched him go, too stunned to do anything else.

His last words – however accurate – made your ears burn. Hands curled into fists, you saw red for awhile, until Jimin had gone. After several deep breaths, you finally calmed down enough to be objective.

Unfortunately, objectivity was not in your favor, because Jimin was right.

He was right about you and you hated that fact. Even if your circumstances had been different, all that had changed when you both were accepted to Russet. Now, you were on a level playing field and you were the one person hanging on to what came before. The only thing that mattered now was what happened next; if you couldn’t compete at Russet, you’d be pulled from the game.

And the one person standing in the way of success was yourself.

Jimin had nothing to do with your lack of ballet technique. Sure, he had more money than you did – seriously, who brought a car to the city? – but it wasn’t like you’d been destitute. Your parents had made enough to afford all your lessons and costumes and dance competition fees. You’d had a studio, even if it wasn’t a fancy one within city boundaries.

Exhaling, you considered the other point he had made. While it was true male dancers had certain advantages, Jimin was damn good despite this. If you were being honest, you knew he was one of the best dancers at Russet regardless of gender.

Nearly ten minutes had passed before you began to walk down the hall. Everyone else had left for lunch, so it was just you and your thoughts as you exited the building. You felt exhausted, only partly because of the intensity of Mr. Jordan’s class.

You’d always been a planner. It was something your parents had teased you about but secretly, you’d always enjoyed. Here though, you felt at a loss.

For the first time in your life, you were forced to consider what would happen if you gave dance everything you had – if you tried everything you could think of – and still came up short. Everyone always said if you loved something, keep trying and you’d eventually succeed, but you’d seen enough by now to know this wasn’t necessarily true.

Everyone at Russet was talented. Everyone here was a hard worker. You didn’t make it this far without both of those things – which meant you could have it all and still fail.

Coming to a stop on the sidewalk, you released a sigh. It was mid-September and already, the leaves had begun to change. You’d been at Russet for nearly a month and felt you’d yet to make any real progress.

Pushing this thought away, you wondered what you’d do with your life if you got kicked out. Go to a college near home, maybe. Find another career path that’d be mildly fulfilling and yet, nowhere near the release you experience through dance. The idea of it made you feel somewhat ill.

All you’d ever wanted in life was to dance. On some level, you’d thought things would be easier once you got into Russet. This had been a naïve expectation; you saw that now. Lift and the struggles which came with it refused to stop for even a second. Again, your former dance teacher’s words came to mind. If dance wasn’t truly what you wanted, it was better to give up than to go through the struggle.

You did want it, though.

Even if you had to go through hell to get it, dance was the thing which made you feel alive. If you didn’t make it at Russet, you could figure out what to do next – but until that moment came, you’d do absolutely everything necessary to make sure you stayed.

In the back of your mind, a voice whispered – even ask Jimin for help? – but you ignored it. That question could wait for another day, you decided as you walked away.

Even though he’d made some valid points, everything else still made you see red. The more you thought about it though, the more persistently his words seemed to grind away your resolve. Jimin may have been pissed at you, but he was also correct.

You could either continue to walk around campus feeling sorry for yourself, or you could improve.

Teeth gritted, you decided to do the latter.

Lounged at the foot of Finn’s bed, you scrolled through your TikTok in an endless loop.

“Ugh, my muscles are so sore,” you complained. Reaching out your foot, you poked him with your toe. “Massage them for me.”

“All of them?”

“Uh-huh.”

Grabbing your foot, Finn pulled this into his lap. To his credit, he started to give – well, not a massage, but he did something. Finn began poking the bottom of your foot with his index fingers until you finally laughed.

“Okay, not that!” you grumbled, pulling your leg back.

Finn grinned and turned a page in his book while you let your gaze linger. He looked good, dressed in sweats and a t-shirt he’d pulled on after sex. It was the first time all week you’d been truly alone; things had gone faster than usual, but that was to be expected. It had been awhile since the last time. It was nice just to see him, to touch him and talk to him – you’d missed having a semblance of normalcy in your life.

Innocently, Finn flipped the next page in his book. “What’s wrong? You didn’t enjoy the pleasure of my touch?”

“I did not, no.”

Tossing his book aside, Finn bared his teeth and began to crawl forward. With a shriek, you backed away until your spine hit the wall and you laughed.

“No,” you begged, kicking his shin as you grinned. “No tickling!”

Finn growled mercilessly, but eventually relented. Twisting, he dropped to lay his head in your lap.

“Okay,” he agreed. “I’ll just hang out here, then. My book is so far away. I guess I can’t study. Too bad.”

Although you rolled your eyes, you leaned your head to the wall. Finn’s roommate was gone for the weekend, giving you the entire place to yourselves. You knew you’d have to leave at some point – ballet class started tomorrow at 8:30 AM – but until then, you could happily live in denial.

“Don’t you have homework to do?” you asked. “Tests? Something?”

Finn shrugged. “I already studied today.”

A twinge of jealousy went through you, although you squashed this immediately. Finn’s collegiate experience was different from yours, but this was through no fault of his own. 

You’d arrived at his dorm room shortly after dinner and, after unloading the crappy events of your day, Finn had merely shrugged and said his day had been fine. It seemed Finn was adapting to Redfield like a fish to water; nearly everyone you passed on your way to his room had stuck their head out to greet him.

On your way over, you’d considered asking Finn for advice about Jimin, but had given up on the idea soon after arrival. Visiting Finn was like stepping into a bubble. You knew the vision would pop as soon as you stepped outside, but it was nice to exist outside the worries of Russet.

Finn wouldn’t understand what you were going through either, which again, wasn’t his fault. His greatest stress was an upcoming test, while you were constantly on edge about whether you’d fail. There were no grades in your classes, no real way to tell if you were passing.

The most difficult part of Finn’s freshman year had been registering for his classes; a fact which cast your experience in stark perspective. If Finn dropped a class or had to miss a test, it didn’t really matter for him in the long run. It mattered for you.

Every time you’d previously mentioned Jimin to Finn, his advice had been to simply ignore him. It wasn’t the best advice, all things considered. Jimin was your assigned dance partner for the semester; you needed him in order to pass your classes.

It helped some to vent, but at the end of the day, you didn’t want Finn trying to fix things for you. That was what he did – he solved things. He loved to fix other people’s problems, loved to tie up loose ends and find neat solutions. The problem was though, you weren’t sure such easy answers existed.

Before you could suggest a movie to watch, someone knocked on the door to Finn’s dorm room.

Lifting his head from your stomach, Finn called, “Enter!”

The door swung open to reveal a tall, gangly-looking freshman in the hall. He looked at you with some surprise before glancing at Finn.

“Dude,” he said, sounding excited. “Sigma Nu is having a crazy party two blocks away. Ellie just texted saying there’s no cover for guys. A bunch of us are heading over – you in?”

“What – seriously?” Finn sat up straight. “No cover? That’s a first.”

He beamed and glanced at you, so you gave a small smile.

“It is?” you said tentatively.

Your words sounded uncertain even to your own ears, but Finn nodded excitedly. You hadn’t been out enough times this semester to notice.

“Coming!” door guy yelled to someone in the hall. Stepping back, he returned to the room. “So, you in?”

Your automatic reaction was no, since it was a Wednesday and you had class tomorrow, but before you could speak, Finn hopped from the bed.

“Sure!” he agreed, searching for his coat. “Y/N – you good with that?”

Hesitating, you fiddled with a corner of his blanket. Ideally, you’d love going to a weekday party with your boyfriend. Finn’s enthusiasm could be contagious, and you wanted to see him in his collegiate environment. He’d been the life of the party at high school and you knew it’d be the same here.

Unfortunately for you, ballet class wasn’t something you could just forget. You’d made it a personal rule not to drink before class and it would be no fun to attend a frat party sober. You were already skating on thin ice at Russet; you could only imagine what would happen if you showed up to class hungover.

“I don’t think I can,” you said softly, wishing the guy would leave Finn’s room. “I have ballet in the morning. Remember?”

“Oh.” Finn’s disappointment showed for only a moment. Hiding this swiftly, he sat back down on the bed. “Sorry, Ben,” he said, forcing a smile. “I think we’re staying in.”

Door guy – Ben, apparently – paused. “You sure?”

“Yeah.” Finn nodded. “Y/N and I already have plans.”

Ben seemed confused; you assumed from this that he wasn’t the brightest bulb in the bunch. 

“Really?” he said with a frown. “I thought you said you wanted to come.”

“It’s my fault,” you interjected, feeling a bit guilty. “I have class super early in the morning.”

“Oh, is that all?” He brightened. “That’s no big deal – so do I!”

Your lips tightened, not wanting to be rude, but this guy just wasn’t getting it.

“Yeah,” you said slowly. “But I can’t be hungover for mine.”

Ben stared. “Huh. Okay, well – if you change your mind. So weird,” he laughed, exiting Finn’s room to the hall. “I didn’t even know you had a girlfriend, Finn? Later!”

Pulling the door shut, he left the two of you in silence.

You stared in shock at the door, attempting to process everything you were feeling.

There was guilt at keeping Finn from something he wanted to do. Longing, from not being able to do the fun things that you wanted. And nausea, at hearing Ben say he didn’t know Finn had a girlfriend.

Hesitant, you glanced in Finn’s direction, but found him looking away – at the ceiling, at the floor, anywhere but at you.

“So…” You paused. “What was that about?”

“What do you mean?” Finn leaned back on the bed. Turning on his TV, he navigated to Netflix. “Want to watch a movie, or something?”

“I guess.”

You continued to sit there, clutching his blanket and staring blankly at the screen. After another moment, you decided this couldn’t be brushed aside and faced him on the bed.

“Why haven’t you told anyone you have a girlfriend?” 

Finn looked at you, surprised. “I have!”

“Oh?” you said, glancing at the door. “Then, why didn’t he know?”

Finn snorted. “Ben? Look – I like him, but the dude’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. As you may have noticed,” he added, giving a pointed brow raise.

Begrudgingly, you nodded. You had noticed.

“Hey.” Finn sat up straight. Clicking off the TV, he scooted closer on the bed. “I swear I’ve told people about you,” he said, taking your hands. “Promise. Ben is just an idiot. The instant someone is off-limits to them, they turn invisible. He’s probably even forgotten his sister by now.”

“Gross,” you said, wrinkling your nose.

Finn nodded in agreement. “Exactly. Ben’s an ass. I wouldn’t even hang out with him if it weren’t for the other guys on the floor. College. You know how it is.”

“Sure,” you said slowly, although you really didn’t.

There were multiple people on your floor and at Russet whom you didn’t like. You weren’t unfriendly to them, of course – with Sabrina being the exception – but neither did you hang out with them just because you were classmates. This entire world of collegialism was foreign to you.

“I love you,” Finn said.

Finally, you cracked a smile. “Love you, too.” Sliding both arms around his waist, you settled down on his chest. “Sucks about Ben being a dick, though.”

Finn laughed, brushing a kiss to your hair. “I think I’ll survive.”

You shook your head, knowing he was right. Finn always got through things like this; troubles seemed to easily roll off his back like water. You watched him turn on the TV and choose a comedy on Netflix. 

When the first scene began, you tried hard to relax, but this proved to be difficult. In high school, you’d been able to compartmentalize fairly easily but now, you found worries steadily leaking back in. Your Finn-bubble, the one which had always been so impenetrable, had started to become porous.

Worries about Russet, about your classes, about your teachers began to seep in and no longer did Finn’s dorm room seem like such a haven.

You didn’t belong here.

The thought occurred to you suddenly, as obvious as knowing the main characters on screen would eventually get together. Finn’s world was entirely different from yours, completely alien from Russet and you had no idea how to navigate the two worlds together.

It made you uneasy to consider, seated with your head on his shoulder and arms around his waist, but instead of facing this knowledge head-on, you pushed it away.

Too many things were being kept in your mind-boxes and, instead of disappearing, the thought continued to linger. It followed as you left Finn’s dorm, walked through the city streets, up the steps of Grace Hall and all the way to your bed.

Author’s Note: Thank you for reading 😊 New chapters of Raise the Barre will be posted weekly; dates are listed on the series Master List. Requests for updates will be deleted.

[ RAISE THE BARRE MASTERLIST ]

© kpopfanfictrash, 2020. Do not copy or repost without permission.

[itsallyscorner]

Hi!!!!!! Could I request a Bucky Barnes x reader? One where Bucky has grown his hair out insanely long due to being so busy and he never notices because he’s always putting it in a bun. Until he and the reader have a night alone ;) and they take his hair down only to realize how long it is, ending with Bucky racing to find scissors and chop his hair off back to his shoulders lol.

Omg yes! I love writing about Bucky and his luscious hair🥺 Thank you for the request love and being so patient, I’m so sorry it took so long! Happy reading💕

💌.

Hair Too Long

Warnings: a sprinkle of smut.

(Gif from Pinterest)

The amount of excitement and anticipation could be felt in his body as soon as he woke up. Bucky has never felt this way before, he just wanted to bounce off the walls from how jumpy he was feeling. You were finally coming home today. You have been away on almost a month’s long mission with Natasha, and you were finally coming back home today! Bucky had been at the tower with the rest of the team who weren’t on missions or were busy. He’s missed you terribly. His days seemed gloomier and the bed was lonely without you. Though it was quite embarrassing at how whipped he was for you, he could care less. Not only had he not been able to see you but he couldn’t even call or text you. He missed his babydoll. He missed your scent, your voice, your warm skin, even the way you would hog the blankets in the middle of the night. He couldn’t wait for you to come home. He just wanted to get in bed with you and hold you for as long as you’ll let him.

“Are they back yet?” Bucky entered the kitchen to be greeted by Steve and Sam. Sam was cooking breakfast while Steve used his IPad to look at the news. Sam spared a glance at Bucky but took a double take when he saw the super soldier’s attire.

“Um, no.” Sam slowly turned back to the pan, poking at the sizzling eggs.

Bucky had moved to sit beside Steve, who’s also noticed the way his friend was looking.

“Hey Buck, when was the last time you showered?” Steve kindly questioned his friend turning his iPad off.

“Or changed clothes?” Sam quickly added as he plated some bacon.

The two men weren’t oblivious to Bucky’s change of nature when you left for the mission. Bucky barely left his room, only leaving when he had to train, eat, or when someone needed him. Ever since you left for the mission he hasn’t joined Steve and Sam on their daily morning jog. He woke up late and would eat breakfast during lunchtime. Now here he was, long grown out hair sticking together due to the oil its collected over the last few days and wearing the same clothes he was wearing during the weekend. Today was Wednesday.

Bucky’s eyes panned at the two men in front of him, looking down at his clothes. “Uh, yesterday...”

“Bullshit.” Sam glared at Bucky before violently sliding a plate of eggs, bacon, and a stack of pancakes at him. Bucky turned his head to Steve who shook his head.

“I’m sorry Buck, but you’ve let yourself go ever since (y/n) left for her mission.” Steve shrugged as he took a piece of bacon from Bucky’s plate. Which earned him a smack on the wrist from Bucky’s bionic arm.

Steve yelped as he held his hands up in surrender, “It’s just an observation! Ever since she left you’ve been cooped up in your room every day. Buck, this is the most I’ve talked to you this whole month!”

Bucky sighed as he shoved a spoonful of scrambled eggs into his mouth, “Okay, maybe I have let myself go. I just miss her.” The dark haired man frowned at his bacon. You weren’t that big of a fan of bacon, instead you preferred sausage on the side of your eggs and pancakes.

Steve sent a look to Sam who just rolled his eyes at their lovesick friend.

“You know, if she ever finds out that this is what you become when she leaves, you’ll never hear the end of it.” Sam motions to Bucky’s clothes and hair.

“Would she really be mad?” Bucky asked the two.

“Punk, (y/n) wouldn’t want you to mope around like some lost puppy every time she leaves. Like, you could miss her, but you need to take care of yourself. You can’t always lock yourself in your room when she’s gone.” Steve advised him.

“Yeah and you can’t always forget to take a damn shower every time she leaves.” Sam muttered under his breath. Bucky grunted at him, roughly kicking Sam’s ankle under the table. Sam hissed as Steve continued to give Bucky advice.

“Listen, the quinjet comes back in an hour or two. If I were you I would take a shower, change your clothes, and clean your room before she gets here.” Bucky nodded along, agreeing with Steve’s suggestion.

“Maybe change the bedsheets too.” Steve added. Sam snickered, “I bet they stink.”

“Keep talkin’ and I’ll make sure your wings don’t work the next time we’re on a mission together.” Bucky threatened. He turned to Steve, “You’re right, she wouldn’t want to see me like this.”

Bucky stared at his food before quickly getting up, “I gotta take a shower.” With that he rushed out the kitchen and back into his room. Steve and Sam looked at the direction Bucky headed and heard his door slam shut.

“Man, he’s whipped.” Sam mused as he began to eat his breakfast.

~⏰~

Thirty or so minutes had passed and Bucky had already taken a shower. His hair was now soft and silky as it brushed past his shoulders, longer than it was when you left.

“Stupid sheets. Stay.” He demanded the dainty bedsheet underneath him. He was currently sprawled out on the bed, both knees keeping the corners of the bedsheet from sliding off. His arms flexed as his hands tried to get the ends of the sheets over the corners of the mattress.

The sounds of grunting and constant cursing caught Wanda’s attention. Curiously, she peaked her head into your and Bucky’s shared room.

“Do you need some help?” Bucky jumped when he heard her voice, causing the bedsheets to fly off the mattress. Bucky squeezed his eyes shut, sighing in frustration.

“I just want (y/n) to be comfortable when she comes back from her mission. I just want her to relax in bed cuddled in some new sheets, but NO. They just won’t stay!” He motioned to the pile of pillows, sheets, and comforter on the rug. The younger woman held a hand up at him.

“I know. Why don’t you toss those old sheets in the wash, I’ll make the bed.” Wanda ushered Bucky towards the dirty sheets as her hands began to glow red. He thanked her before gathering the sheets and making his way towards the laundry room.

While he was shoving the sheets in the washer, his hair kept getting in the way. The ends tickled at his face and got in the way of his vision. Patting down his pockets he felt for the round band that he kept in his pockets. When he found it, he bent down and gathered his hair into a ponytail. He got the band ready, twisting and twirling his hair until it looked like a donut. He secured the bun with a content noise before returning to the task at hand.

You had thought him how to make a bun. One day he saw you do it so effortlessly and wanted to learn so he can do it with his hair. It took many tries, but by now he felt like he finally nailed the perfect bun.

Bucky returned to his room to see the bed was fixed neatly. The pillows were set up in a way that looked like the ones on display at Macy’s and the sheets were smoothed out with not a single wrinkle in sight. He made a mental note to thank Wanda once again for fixing the bed. He looked at the time before cleaning up some random clumps of mess that caught his eye. When he was done he sat on the desk chair instead of the bed. Now all he had to do was wait.

~⏰~

“Mr. Barnes, the quinjet has arrived. Ms. (Y/n) has entered the building.” FRIDAY’s voice echoed in his room making him jump. Bucky hopped to his feet and took a quick glance at the mirror. He was sporting a five o’clock shadow and his hair was up in a man bun. A few stands had fallen out form the tie, causing him to redo his bun.

He rushed out his room, already hearing your soothing voice from down the hall. His loud footsteps can be heard from the kitchen causing the others to chuckle.

“Here he comes.” Sam snickered, nudging your shoulder.

“He’s been miserable since you left.” Wanda mentioned an amused look on her face. Suddenly, Bucky appeared from around the corner. His face lit up and his eyes were filled with joy as he practically charged at you. His thick arms wrapped tightly around your frame as his nuzzled his head into your neck.

From over Bucky’s shoulder you saw Steve smiling fondly at the two of you. You pressed a kiss to Bucky’s temple as you ran a soothing hand along the expanse of his back.

“Hi honey, how’ve you been?” The sound of your soft voice made Bucky sigh in content. He was glad to finally hear your voice and to actually hold you. The feeling of you brought him comfort. You were like his safety blanket and now that you’re back, he felt as though nothing bad can happen in the world.

“I miss you, doll.” He replied quietly so only you can hear. You pulled back and took a look at him. You’ve noticed his beard was coming back and his hair was up in a bun. His hair was neatly pulled back, allowing you to get a good look at his face. You smiled at his hair, pulling onto his hand.

“Well I’m here now, you don’t have to miss me anymore.” You led him down the hall and back into his room. Bucky followed you without any protests. You entered the room, the neat bed catching your eye.

“Who helped you with the bed?” You ask him. Bucky shuts the door behind him before making his way to you and taking the duffel bag from over your shoulder. He places it on the floor before pulling you flush against his warm and cozy chest.

“Wanda saw me struggling and ya’ know.” He made a goofy face making motions with his hands that mimicked Wanda’s. You chuckle, understanding what he meant.

You breathed in his scent. The smell of his shampoo entering your senses. You wrapped your arms around his neck and tiptoed. Bucky noticed what you were doing and bent down, making his lips closer to yours.

One of his giant hands cup your cheeks as he takes a moment to take in your features once again. Nothing had changed, you were still beautiful. Except for a small scratch along the apple of your cheek, he frowns at it as his thumb brushes over the healing scab.

“What happened here, doll?” His voice is low as his plush lips press gently against the scratch.

“Hand to hand with one of the punks that work with Jasper. Almost had my eye poked out.” You joked, causing Bucky to send you an unamused look.

“Hey, that doesn’t matter. I’m here, right? I just want to be with you right now.” You mumble against his lips. He hums before crashing his lips onto yours for the first time in weeks. Your lips move in synch while your hands grip at each other.

Pulling away for air you shrug off your sweater, “Wanna take this to the shower? I could use one.”

“I mean, we’d be saving water together, so sure. Anything that helps the planet.” He jokes. You pull off your shirt, pants, and boots, leaving you in your undergarments. You walk into the connected bathroom to see that Bucky had started the shower. There was some light steam coming from the water and you just couldn’t wait to hop into it.

Bucky presses himself behind you as you enter the shower. You feel his length against your backside as he presses scattered kisses onto your shoulders and the back of your neck. You moan as his hands wrap around your front, his hands enveloping around your breasts and squeezing them.

“Baby, missed you so much.” You turn in his arms and you’re stunned to see his hair still in a bun.

“Buck, why’s your hair still up?”

“I forgot to take it down.” He quickly pulls the tie from his hair and throws it out the shower. You run a hand through his dark locks, admiring how long it’s gotten since you’ve been gone.

“It’s so long.” You giggle as Bucky shakes his head to ruffle his hair. A toothy grin is on his face as he pulls you close again.

“You like it?”

“Yeah I do.” You muse before pressing your lips together again.

The two of you get frisky in the shower. The heat of the shower competing with the heat of your aching core. Your back was pressed against the cool tiles of the shower while Bucky held you up, your legs wrapped around his slender waist.

Bucky groans for the tenth time when his hair gets in the way once again. The hair getting tangled in yours and Bucky’s lips. Bucky sighs when he pushes his wet hair back again, not understanding how yours was staying in place. He suddenly places your feet back to the shower floor and opens the glass door.

“I can’t with this shit.”

“What are you doing?” You peak your head out of the shower to see him, butt naked with everything hanging out, as he rummages through a drawer. He pulls out silver scissors and gathers his hair into a pony tail. Before you can protest against his actions, the scissors snip at his hair. A chunk of his hair falls to the floor.

Bucky looks at himself in the mirror, fixing his hair. He nods at himself, happy with the new length. His hair stopped right above his shoulders, back to how it was before you left.

“Bucky—“ You’re about to say something but Bucky is already hopping back into the shower and pinning you against the wall.

“Now, I could finally show you how much I missed you without my hair getting in the damn way.” His shoves his head into your neck, sucking and nipping harshly at the skin. The troubles of his hair long forgotten now that his focus was on you and only you.

[pretoriafics]

If I wasn’t a goddamn werewolf - Pt. 4

Things with your boyfriend are getting worse, and seems like Derek will not give up on you easily. Word count: 2.867 Pairings: Reader x Derek; Reader x Platonic!Talia Contain: Some angst, some fluff, Original characters (Daniel, your boyfriend)  Warnings: English is not my main language <3; Inappropriate language TEEN WOLF MASTERLIST PART 1  |  PART 5

Your eyes open slowly.

It was a sunny morning, with the orange lights of the sun passing through the windows of the loft. You were close to Derek's naked chest, and his fingers running slowly through your hair tell you that he woke up before you.

"Oh, damn, did I woke you up?" He asks you, worried, putting a sweet kiss on your forehead.

"No." You throw your arm on his waistline, pulling him close while looks at his green and sleepy eyes "Good morning."

A smile was born on Derek's lips, and he gets closer to you. His thumb runs through your face while he puts a soft kiss on your lips.

"Good morning." He mumbles, with his eyes attached to yours.

It's been a wonderful night. You and Derek had a stroll around the city on his Camaro, and then you guys stopped in a clearing into the woods. There you drank a few, and you and Derek laughed and cuddled all night. He requested you to came to his loft and spend the night with him, and you couldn't say no to his proposal. That's how you ended at his bed, with clothes from both of you spread through the bedroom's floor.

You and Derek said nothing for a while. You were just looking at each other, with sweetness and pure love emitting from each other's look. Of course, you didn't need to say anything. Actually, any word would mess up that moment when both of you were just feeling the presence of each other. Wow, he was so beautiful...

Derek gives a soft smile for you, and you almost melted in pure love. Suddenly, you felt butterflies in your stomach. Oh, God, that would be the perfect moment to tell him about your feelings. But you couldn't. You needed to go.

"I'll get late for a meeting with a client, so I have to go." Your voice was low and soft, and you gave him a slow kiss as a way to say goodbye. Then, you stood up from the bed, with just your panties covering your body.

He sats on the bed.

"Do you really need it?"

"Yeah." You said, wearing your bra and taking your shirt from the floor "You know, I have a few bills to pay. I hate adult life." You look at him with a small smile, and you wear your shirt.

Derek put himself on his knees on the bed and stretch his arms in your direction, grabbing your shirt. You let out a chuckle.

"I think your client will be understanding with you if you get late."

He pulls you in his direction, making you laugh.

"No, he won't! Stop, I have to go!"

Derek's arms wrap around your waistline, and he throws you on the mattress while chuckling. His green eyes get attached to yours and, then he puts several soft kisses onto your neck. His voice was low.

"I just need ten minutes more with you."

You close your eyes and wrap your fingers around his hair, just feeling his kisses through your skin while he puts his body over yours. His kisses had some kind of magic that could let you immovable and weak.

"Damn, I can't say no for you." You mumble.

Derek looks at you with a soft smile. He grabs your legs, putting them attached to his hips, and puts a slow and wet kiss on your lips. It was impossible not to smile between the kiss. You got late for your meeting that day.

That was the last time you woke up in his bed.

This time, when you opened your eyes, you didn't hear Derek's voice.

Sometimes, when you miss him, you close your eyes and start to remember all things you had lived together, from your friendship until your last moments. Your missing about him always seems stronger in the mornings. You both used to cuddle that hour of the day. After all, you both used to cuddle that hour of the day.

You felt the arm of your boyfriend on you, with your back on his chest. He was called Daniel. Well, you love him, but not the way he wants so much. He is such a successful surgeon and would give you the world if you wanted to. Everything is great with Dan: The dates, the conversations, sex... But, of course, he wasn't Derek.

That day, you needed to go to your training with Derek. So, you stood up from the bed, just wearing your lace panties. Dan sits on the mattress with arched eyebrows.

"Good morning for you too, cranky."

You turn yourself to face him, letting out a long sigh.

"Good morning. Sorry, baby. I'm just hurrying."

"Hurrying for what?"

To see another man.

"Uh..." You bite your inner lip, trying to think of a lie "Laura and I are just doing some exercises together. I'm late, and she'll kill me. She hates delay."

"She hates everything. Can't you stay here with me?"

Oh, God, and there he is: Looking at you with that puppy eyes.

"I can't. I'm sorry."

You walk to the wardrobe and takes some clothes while Dan lets out a long sigh of frustration.

"I just can't recognize you anymore. You are full of secrets from me. What's the problem?"

When you heard him, you stopped your way to the bathroom. Oh god. The last thing you want is to hurt his feelings. Dan just simply doesn't deserve this.

"Nothing, Dan. Really." You said, looking at him. The guilt was already filling your heart. "I'm just too busy. I'll compensate you for this." You go in his direction and curves your body, getting close to Dan and giving him a short and cold peck. "I promise."

Dan stares at you for a few seconds, complete disbelief about your words. He let out a long and tired sigh.

"Okay, if you say so..."

Damn. You were messing up everything. You hadn't time to fix things between both of you, so you go take a shower thinking in a way to conciliate your new life with your personal one.

Your time on the pack made you think about if you met Derek for real. He was such a different person with them! He was a tough one, rude and distant. He was the complete opposite when both of you were friends, mainly when you used to date. Derek was such an adorable man with you those times.

Is Derek has created a character when he was your boyfriend? Well, you didn't know.

In the beginning, at your training with your brand new alpha, he was cold and distant. Now he still the same way, but he is fussier than ever. Your training with him made you feel tired to death. However, that day, he noticed you were different.

"Go take five minutes resting." He said, with his analytical eyes on you. He wasn't too fussy today, and he almost seems a little bit more... caring. "You're with your head in the clouds today."

You walked in your water bottle direction while he spokes with you. With his comment, you look at him while you take a few sips.

"What?" You said, putting the water bottle away from your lips. Crap, Derek knows you so well...

"You're unfocused." Derek crosses his arms, narrowing his eyes from you "It's not your thing."

You put the water bottle on the floor, close to your smartphone. You took the cellphone, expecting Dan's messages because he always sends you a few while you're training. That day, you received nothing. Yeah, Dan was pissed off with you. You let out a long sigh, guilty.

"It's nothing." You said, unlocking the screen and going to Instagram. Then, you saw something that made you freeze: Dan's best friend posted a photo of them, still at college. He was wishing a happy birthday for Dan.

Crap! It was Dan's birthday, and you completely forgot!

You hide your face in your hand.

"Oh, damn..."

"You sure it's nothing?"

Derek still is looking at you, pretty open if you needed to talk with someone. He knew something was wrong with you. He saw you upset so many times that he knew when something was wrong.

You put your cellphone on the floor again, with your lips compressed. Then, ashamed as hell, you cross your arms and look to any part of the basement except Derek.

"It's Dan's birthday. The first we would spend together, and I just forgot it."

"You're definitely in trouble."

"Damn, I know." You let out a long sigh. "I just-"

"Look" He gets closer to you, looking you into your eyes "Don't push yourself too hard. You have been through a lot. It shouldn't be easy to just be part of this supernatural world all of a sudden. There's too much in your mind now."

Oh, he always knows how to calm you down... Or It was just the effect of his voice on you? Maybe both.

"I really don't want to think that way. I don't want to use all of this werewolf bullshit to be an excuse for being negligent with my boyfriend."

Derek shook his head negatively.

"(Y/N), you're not using this as an excuse-"

"I'm a terrible girlfriend, Jesus!" You slide your hand through your face "Dan don't deserve it."

Derek gives you a rueful look, hating to see you that way. Of course, you were just guilty with everything about you and Dan, but Derek doesn't need to knows it.

"Hey, look at me." He said, calling you to think straight. You instantaneously look at him, and he continued to talk. "Dan is a real lucky guy to have you."

And, God, how Derek envies him!

However, the entire world stopped when you gave him a soft smile, thankful for his words. The effect of his voice on you was - and maybe always will be - completely magical. Your smile made the same with him: made his heart race and get warm, and he felt an almost ethereal feeling.

Because, yeah, both of you had this kind of unreal bond.

"Thank you for your support, Der."

All that situation with Dan made you put your guard down. Derek knew how to use it to get closer to you again. Of course, he did it perfectly. It resulted in a conversation between both of you in months - a real conversation! And you even had called him by his nickname.

It was his turn to gave you a smile. You always melted in pure love.

"I'll always be here for you, (Y/N). You know it."

But... If Derek is just lying for you again? If he just wants to take advantage of you? He did it once, and he could perfectly do that again. Why not?

"Well..." You breathe in, recovering yourself of that sudden breathless and arousing your defenses again "I think I'm ready to continue training."

Derek compresses his lips, getting your silent and cutting message of 'stay away from me'. He breathes in and nods for you without saying any word.

You and Derek hadn't spoken to each other for the rest of the day.

Everyone was out to solve some kind of issue with a sort of creature in town. Derek has not authorized you to go with them because you were such a young werewolf, and you don't know how to defend yourself, so it could be dangerous for you and all of them. It was near 9PM, and you still were not ready to go to Dan's house. You had made a promise to him this morning, but you still don't know how to fix things. So, as a way to avoid your problems, you stay at the new Hale house until you figure out what you could do for Dan's birthday - and, also, what you could do to compensate him for all the bother you cause him.

You were laid on the couch, with your eyes fixed in the ceiling and thoughtful. Suddenly, a female voice launches you out of your own thoughts.

"I think we didn't meet each other properly. Seems like the perfect chance, don't you think?"

You sat on the couch and look at the owner of that voice, close to the frame that divides the living room and the entrance hall: It was Talia, the one you had heard so much about. You didn't know that, but she also heard a lot about you.

"Yeah, I think it is. I mean, we don't have to worry about all the mess this house is with the rest of the pack."

Talia gave you a smile, and you gave it back.

"It's pretty crazy. Teenagers are energical." She said, sitting on the couch next to you.

"Yeah, they are. But seems like they try to control themselves when Derek is close."

"Oh, of course. They are pretty aware that Derek could rip their necks."

You let out a chuckle.

"Yeah, I noticed that."

Talia lay down on the couch, staring at the ceiling. The living room dives in silence, but not an awkward one. It was comfortable.

"So..." Talia broke the silence "I know you've passed through a lot. It's not easy being a werewolf suddenly and find out about a whole new world at the same time. It's a lot of information."

"I'm trying really hard. You have no idea. But I'm pretty worried about my boyfriend, Dan. I don't want to mess up things between us. You know, because of all of that supernatural thing."

Well, you don't want to mess up even more things between both of you.

"Take it easy. You get it with time." Talia looks at you, analytical "I know we aren't too close to each other, but I'll ask something because I worry about anyone who is part of the pack: You are, you know, happy with Dan?"

That question caught you by surprise, and you hesitate. Talia seems to notice it. But, finally, you reply to her.

"Uh... Dan do everything to makes me happy, you know?"

"Yeah, I know, but I also know that it doesn't answer my question."

Since the supermarket day, when Talia saw you for the first time, she noticed countless things that needed to be fixed. The first one was you and Dan. It was pretty obvious to her that you are not happy with him, as well as it was the fact that you needed some advice. She recognizes a lost soul when she sees one.

With her words, you hesitate again.

"When you say happy, you mean...?"

"I mean happiness, (Y/N). It shouldn't be difficult to answer this. There are just two possible alternatives: Yes, or no."

You compress your lips, thoughtful while looks at the ceiling. You felt in a therapy session. And honestly? You kinda needed this kind of conversation.

You spend a few seconds in silence as you were thinking about a reply.

"Yes, I am. Dan is perfect."

"But you think he is perfect for you?"

Hell no. Dan was perfect to be your best friend, and not something more. You always wanted someone who could pluck the air out of your lungs, someone who could put adrenaline into your veins. You want someone who could put your entire body on fire. Dan is unable to do it. He is too stable, like water.

But Derek... Oh, he was the pure meaning of fire.

"Well..." You let out a long sigh "I think he is."

Talia stares at you with arched eyebrows.

"Think? Oh, girl..." She let out a long sigh "Questions like these should have quick responses. It's a consequence for..."

"For being in love. I know."

"You're not happy, are you?"

It was your turn to look at her, recognizing a safe place there. You were honest now.

"Jesus, no. He's a great guy, but he got me so bored!"

Talia let out a low chuckle, looking at the ceiling now.

"It's visible you're not happy. I can see your discouraged look on the days you need to go to his house. If you're not happy, then why are you still with this guy?"

Because you need to move on, and you think Dan is the right man for it. You could fall for him with time.

"It's complicated..."

Your answer came with a long and thoughtful sigh. Talia knew all your drama with Derek, as well as the entire pack. So, she didn't need your explanations to find out about what the term 'it's complicated' means to you.

"I can understand you." She stood up from the couch, looking at you "But be careful to not lie to yourself. Be honest with you. I'm pretty sure things will get better. Otherwise, you can talk with me."

You sat on the couch, feeling a bit better. It was good to be honest with someone about all of that, after all.

"I'll remember it." You gave her a smile "Thank you."

Talia returns your smile and walks to the kitchen. And, now, you need to solve things with Dan.

And, maybe, with yourself.

TAG LIST: @teen-wolf-obsessed4life

[sanders-sides-fic]

A hole of your shape in my heart

So… My brain went to war with me today. So I wrote some Anxceit-centred angst to cope. Consider yourself warned, this will hurt. I do hope you'll enjoy it regardless, though.

Trigger warnings: implied depression, mentions of panic attacks, self harm, fainting, memory loss

If I forgot a trigger or there is something you would like to be added to that list, please go ahead and tell me. You can do so anonymously as well.

It wasn't that bad at the beginning. A bit of a cold shiver, running down his spine. Ice that seemed to settle in his lounges. A dull ache. Nothing serious, really. He knew that it wasn't good to ignore it, he knew that from the start. And yet he couldn't help it.

They were happy. That was all that mattered to him then. Remus and Janus were happy. That was more important than a bit uncomfortableness. He was used to having panic attacks, mental breakdowns and the sudden urge to cry anyways. This didn't make such a big difference.

Except that it did.

You see, Remus was born without a soulmate. He just didn't have one. Janus, on the other hand, had an accident when he was younger. There was a nasty scar on the left side of his face, which he had covered up with a tattoo of a snake later. Ever since that accident, he'd been soul-blind. Colourblind for soulmates. He did have a soulmate, he just couldn't feel the bond anymore. Oh, it was still there, alright. He could feel that much. But he just couldn't tell anything beyond that. So he'd given up on finding that soulmate.

That's how Remus and Janus had gotten together in the first place. And that was wonderful. It was great. They made such a nice pair. They were happy and in love and sweet and… And it had come as a blow to the face to Virgil.

The three of them had been friends for years. When they'd become teens, Virgil had finally realised what the bond had been telling him all the time. The pretty sparkles around Janus, the glitter in the air that portrayed his emotion in colours, the warmth around his heart that reminded him of Janus. Janus could only feel that warmth. He wondered what it felt like to him. What he felt like to him. Because Janus was Virgil's soulmate.

Virgil had been a bit happy and a bit sad about that. Happy because he liked Janus and he knew him and that was fine. Sad because Janus couldn't tell that they were soulmates.

And that was why he kept telling himself that he'd tell Janus. For sure. But somehow he always ducked out the last moment. Something always happened. Just little things, but things that were bad enough to make him retreat into his shell.

He should have known. When Janus said he would give up on searching for a soulmate he couldn't even tell apart from the rest of the world, he should have known. And yet he hadn't expected Janus to start dating people. Janus was his soulmate, his. He didn't even consider the possibility that he might see other people. How very stupid of him.

He had almost told Janus that day. They were eighteen then, and he had bought a yellow nasturtium, Janus's favorite flower. It was inside a black pot that he'd made himself. He'd always liked to do pottery, it calmed him down. This was the best one he made so far, he thought.

He also wrote down what he wanted to say. How much Janus meant to him, how badly he wanted to be with him, that they were soulmates, that he didn't even mind that Janus couldn't tell and that he was sorry he hadn't said anything before. That it was okay if Janus needed time because this was so sudden, but that he hoped he'd give Virgil a chance anyways. Virgil had used his favorite paper. It was a bit fancy, but not over the top. And it smelled like Lavender, which always calmed him down. He'd wasted quite a bit of this paper because he kept starting over, but that was worth it. Janus was worth it.

But Janus had already told him that he wasn't waiting for his soulmate anymore. And when Janus arrived at his apartment that day, it was with his hand in Remus's.

"He asked me out earlier. I can't believe I said yes, the way he did it was terrible, really." But Janus had smiled, and Remus had laughed, and Virgil had been late.

He knew Remus wasn't to blame, and neither was Janus. They were happy right now. Remus hadn't been happy or confident when it came to the topic of love in forever. Janus had suffered because he'd always been so, so scared of his soulmate rejecting him for not being able to tell. And now they were happy and it was without him.

It hurt. A lot. But he didn't want to ruin their happiness. It was only his fault. He was to blame, for hesitating. For not wanting to ruin their friendship. For being selfish.

So he secretly took the letter and hid it in the bottom of his desk drawer. And he wished them the best.

After that, they started to drift away. Remus and Janus had a lot of date nights. And Virgil drifted away from them because he couldn't stand seeing them. It hurt too much, was all. Whenever Janus would smile at him, whenever Janus laughed, whenever Remus sighed and told him about a cute thing Janus had done, whenever they shared a milkshake, whenever they were so there, so with each other.

Whenever Janus insisted Virgil come as well, saying he missed him. Because Virgil knew, he knew that was because Janus could still feel the soulmate bond. But Janus didn't know, and Janus didn't see him that way, and that was just cruel. Why did fate do this to him? Why did it hate him so much?

After a while, when Virgil couldn't take it anymore, he begun to initiate fights. Janus was too much of a liar, he was too anxious to trust him. Remus was creepy and gross, he couldn't understand why he would say something like that. In the end, he became more and more of an asshole to the two of them. Their days were either spent apart or fighting, and Virgil would cry himself to sleep, pain and cold emptiness gnawing away at his soul.

After a while, he had pushed them so far away that he barely saw them at all anymore. And by then he was so used to it that he could just pretend everything was fine during the day. Sure, he couldn't bare to take off his hoody even in scalding hot summer. Sure, his panic attacks got worse and more frequent. Sure, he had started to wear black eyeshadow purely to hide the bags under his eyes. Sure, he woke up to dried tears on his face every single day. But it was fine. He was fine. He could take this, if it meant that the two most important people in his life were happy.

Patton, the soulmate of Remus's brother, had somehow ended up noticing how he was alone all the time now. And he'd adopted him into their friend group.

Roman and Remus were on bad terms with each other, so he barely knew them. It was kind of a fresh start, even if it was a rocky one. Remy and Roman were the least accepting of him. Roman because "A, he is the type of person Remus would hang out with. And, B, he hurt Remus with his sudden bullshit. Believe me, if you knew the things I learned through my brother…" and Remy just because he didn't want to breath the same air as him. Apparently.

Remy didn't hang out with the group if Virgil was with them. They meet up without him, which was a solution everyone was fine with. Besides, Remy had always liked to suddenly disappear and appear according to his mood. At least that was what his soulmate, Logan, said.

Roman, on the other hand, couldn't stay away that much. After all it was Patton who stuck to Virgil like friendly glue made out of puns, and Patton was Roman's soulmate. Both of them were extremely clingy too, apparently. So the two of them exchanged sarcastic comments and rude nicknames, but they didn't outright hate each other. At least Virgil didn't hate Roman.

Logan was nice to talk to. Almost as good at debates as Janus. They didn't have debates about philosophy, though. Those were reserved for Janus, and it felt like betraying him to have such a debate with someone else. They soon got to a point where hanging out was almost enjoyable, where they kind of liked each other.

And then, suddenly, it got a lot worse. A lot worse. So bad, Virgil couldn't get up in the morning. He couldn't eat anything, couldn't stop crying, could barely breath. About four panic attacks and one night of terrible, terrible loneliness later, Roman, Logan and Patton showed up at his door.

He couldn't help himself. He was so lonely, and he felt so worthless, and Patton was the only one who really wanted him around anyways. So he shrugged their concerns off, taking a sip from his hot coffee - the only acceptable hot beverage in August - and saying: "Well, I just… assumed you didn't want me around. I mean, you don't like me much anyways, so."

Patton had gasped in offence and horror, and Virgil couldn't help but smile at that, though the hole in his chest was still too much to bare and he couldn't look at them. "Yeah, yeah. Except you, Pat."

He'd been wrong. Logan drew up an entire chart to prove how much he contributed to their friend group and how much he provided. Even Roman told him that he was wanted, needed even. It was nice and wholesome, and to his surprise, it made him feel so much better. For just a moment, the hole inside his chest wasn't as icy and cold.

They ended up watching Disney that evening, with a bowl of popcorn and too much comments to actually concentrate on the movie. Later at night, Virgil even confessed that he knew his soulmate. A sore subject he didn't want to touch normally. They asked him why he was single, of course, whether it didn't work out between the two of them, whether that was even possible. And Virgil had shrugged. "I wouldn't know. We never tried, he already has someone." Then he'd chuckled. "I guess that was why I was such an asshole to Re and Jan when they got together, too. Kinda made me feel jealous and… lonely. Don't tell them, though. They don't even know that I already met my soulmate."

Janus would have been proud of him, for how well he had managed to lie to his new friends. Well, not lie directly. But a lie of omission, right?

There were many days like this after that. Days where everything got too much. His new friends understood that he sometimes had bad days. Patton would sent him videos of cute dogs and cats when he let them know he was out of order for that day. Roman would send him memes and Logan would tell him fun facts. It was precious of them, and it made Virgil feel a lot less lonely. The cold was still there, layered around the soulmate bond, the hole was just as gaping as always, but he didn't feel as lonely. And that was good enough.

Other days he could almost pretend that things were fine. He would be around his new friends for as long as his little, introverted heart allowed him. Then he'd listen to music, get stuff done, worry about dead lines and the world instead of Remus, or Janus and his absence in Virgil's life. Sometimes he would read, too. Or do pottery. He didn't do pots anymore though. Or flowers. Just art or tableware.

He didn't even mean to do it the first time. Really, it was an accident. He was just tired, and he did the dishes and then he accidentally cut himself with a knife. But as the blood trickled down his finger, the pain outside kind of overwhelmed the pain inside. So he sat down and watched his finger bleed. Because his hand was wet, it looked like more blood than it actually was.

He thought about that moment often after that, whenever the pain got too much to bare and he could barely hang on. And he did try to fight it, really, he did. But in the end, it was too tempting. Just a few cuts at a time, at first. Somewhere where no one would notice. With the hoody, that wasn't even that hard, actually. He always put on gauze, too, to make sure it didn't get infected.

It got a bit more when he heard from Roman that Janus and Remus had broken up. Apparently Janus felt weird dating Remus. They suspected that it was because Remus wasn't his soulmate - because Janus was Virgil's, his, he was supposed to date him and he wanted to yell it at Janus already, telling him the truth, finally holding him and kissing him and filling this Janus's formed hole in his heart - and Remus fully understood it. Things were a bit awkward between the two of them, but they would keep being friends.

And it got even more worse when Patton was Patton and decided to use this opportunity to get Virgil to make up with the two of them. It was nice of him, but the thing was that Janus was still Virgil's soulmate and didn't know about it.

He and Janus didn't get along too well. He made up with Remus way faster. And Roman didn't like Janus too much either, but once again Patton insisted on adopting the man into their friend group and Roman was too clingy to avoid him. But Janus made it, in the end. Of course Janus made it. He was dazzling and charismatic like that.

Only Virgil couldn't help keeping his defences up. If he let them down, he would tell him the truth. And he couldn't do that, not now, not until he made everything okay again. But he couldn't do that, not without letting his defences down and that just killed him on the inside.

And then he had a bad day. But he wanted to see Janus, so he got up and met up with the others. It helped. Seeing Janus there helped. Hearing him and Patton talking about Kant, watching him smile at Logan and joke around with both Remus and Roman… It helped. And yet it made him so much more aware of what he was missing.

Remus and Roman drove home together. Logan was supposed to meet Remy, so he had excused himself earlier. Patton worked in the café they'd been in, and his shift started after their meeting. So that left Virgil and Janus to walk out together.

Janus smelled like coconut, and his lips were a little chapped. Early winter, he always got chapped lips this time of year. The light made his skin glow, and from this angle with the way the light hit them his left eye looked a lot more golden than brown, unlike the right one.

It hurt. He wanted to grab Janus's hand, he wanted to kiss those lips, he wanted to hug him and never let him go, he wanted to grab him and hold him close until the smell of coconut would transfer to himself as well. He wanted, he wanted, he wanted so bad.

But how was he supposed to do any of it? How was he supposed to tell him?

In the end, he decided to just get it over with. Like a bandaid, just ripping it off. Straight out with it. But just when he was about to, had already taken a breath and opened his mouth…

"I missed you." Janus's melodic voice sounded way too sad. Virgil didn't like it. "Why did you just leave us behind, Virge? I missed you, but… You were acting so strange. You still are. Are you mad because I never texted you?"

He didn't say anything. Couldn't, even though he wanted to.

"If that's it, then I'm sorry. But, Virge, I… I did miss you. And you acting so cold to me really sucks. You're getting along fine with Remus now, so why not me?" He stopped and looked Virgil in the eyes, looking like he was searching for something. What, Virgil didn't know. But he didn't find it, judging by the way he averted his eyes. And that hurt, too. Everything hurt. He just wanted to go now. "I thought we were friends."

"No. I don't think we ever were supposed to be friends." Virgil took a deep breath. Now. He had to tell him now. Bandaid, remember? Just tell him. Virgil opened his mouth, looking at Janus.

Right. Just out with it. "The truth is we're soulmates. I'm sorry I never told you, I was scared. But I love you, Janus." Right. That was all he had to say. Just three sentences. Go on, do it. Please, just get them out already. It's been years now. You've known since you were sixteen, you've known for four years now. He deserves to know, too.

In the end, he shook his head. "Sorry. I didn't mean it like that, I…" couldn't say it again. He ignored the tears gathering in his eyes as he turned away from Janus's hurt look. "I'm not feeling that good."

And he ran. He ran away, like he always did. God, he was such a coward. And for what?

At home, he pulled out the letter from last year. Then, he screamed. He couldn't take it anymore, he just screamed and sobbed. And he knew that it wasn't fair, that he'd done this to himself, but he was in so much pain. He just couldn't take it.

But he'd done this to himself. By hesitating, by not giving the letter, by ruining what little relationship he had with his soulmate, by pushing him away, by lying, by not saying what he wanted to. And what for? A fleeting happiness, a failed relationship, a churning ball of fear in his stomach?

Virgil didn't mean for it to get that bad. He meant to stop earlier. He didn't mean for the wounds to be that deep either. But they did, and he didn't, and he only really realised when he got dizzy at standing up. Oh. Oh, that was a lot of blood. And he was still bleeding. Damnit, he needed help. But who would…? Who could…

He grabbed his phone and called the first number in his contacts. It was Remus's voice that picked up after the second ring. "Hey, Rem. It's me." He winced at how weak his voice sounded. "I, uh… I did something stupid. And I know I've been an asshole, but I really, really need your help."

"Janus said you didn't feel so good." Remus sounded genuinely worried. And was that Janus's voice in the background? It was, wasn't it? Tears sprung to his eyes again.

"Yeah. Hey, tell him I'm sorry for me? I wanted to say something, but I didn't again, and… yeah." He couldn't understand the response he got. Blinking, he tried to stay awake. Falling asleep was bad, right? Oh, right. Remus. "Listen, Remus, I… Did something stupid. There's a lot of blood. I think I need to go to the hospital."

"Blood? The hospital? Virgil what did you do?!"

He flinched at the panicked voice. That didn't suit Remus at all. Wait, wasn't that Janus? Had Remus put him on speaker? Well, it didn't matter, really. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to." He said instead. And then: "I'm scared."

"Okay. Okay, shit. We're almost there. It's alright, we're almost- Take a left, Re, that's faster. We're almost there, okay Virge?"

"Okay." He hesitated, lump in his throat. He thought he could feel tears running down his face, but he was a bit too out of it to be sure. "Thank you."

They kept their word. He could hear Janus's shocked cry and Remus's cussing before the darkness took over.

❖

When he woke up, he was in a white room. Around him, he could see a bunch of people. One with dirty blonde hair and freckles, holding hands with a brunette with glasses. Next to them sat a man with similar glasses and black hair. On the other side was a man much like the first, but with one strand dyed silver and the rest chestnut brown. And another man, who stole the breath right out of his lunges.

Long, golden hair, tied up to a bun, pale skin, warm eyes somewhere between gold and brown, and a snake tattoo on his left cheek. He wore black, with yellow and gold accessories, and he was absolutely stunning. Around him there were weird fireworks, almost like glitter. Did the others see that, too? It was blue, and something inside him told him that that was worry. The same part clenched around his heart, demanding to make the worry go away.

But… "Who are you?"

They all gasped, looking at him. "Virgil?! Oh my god, you're awake." That was the voice of the man with the dyed hair. What was his name? He couldn't quite remember.

"I don't… Who are you? Where am I? Do I know you? I think I know you, but…" He trailed off, regretting having said anything when hurt crossed the stunning man's face. "Sorry."

"Oh, no, you don't… I'm sorry. I should've noticed you were hurting." He sighed, putting on an obviously fake smile as he grabbed his - Virgil's? His name was Virgil, had the man said, right? - hand. "We are your friends, Virgil. That's Logan, Patton, Roman, and Remus. And I am Janus." Janus. Yeah, Virgil though, that fit him. But somehow, Janus looked like he was steeling himself for something. He took a deep breath, smiling more, tears in those wonderful eyes. "I'm you soulmate."

"My soulmate?"

Janus nodded, clutching a purple piece of paper in his hand. "Yes. It's a bit complicated, but, I am. We're soulmates."

Virgil nodded, looking around. There were a lot of people around him. And they all looked so happy to see him awake. His friends and his soulmate, huh? Virgil looked back to Janus. "There's a lot of people here."

"Do you want us to go, kiddo?" That was Patton who'd said that, right? He sounded sad at the idea, and Virgil didn't like it much either. So he shook his head.

"No. I was just thinking, there's a lot of people caring about me."

He got a few sad smiles in return. "Of course, Virge. We all love you very much. And don't you dare to forget that again, you hear?" Janus clenched Virgil's hand in his and put it to his forehead, almost desperately. "Don't you ever dare forget that I love you. You idiot."

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