#some cathartic stressed-brain expression

[olterior]

Pictured: knackered, depressed, fluffy, overheating 🐕 Not pictured: a downpour starting 15 minutes ago, brain soothing up by 70% 🌧️

[atrfiction]

On Erotica & Politics

(All These Roadworks content policy.)

This text is cross-posted from AllTheseRoadworks.com and is presented for new readers who may be encountering my work for the first time.

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Hi. Thanks for caring enough to read this post.

If you’re not going to scroll down, here’s the short version: it’s erotica, not politics. You should be political, but your politics should be to keep what I’m writing purely in the realm of fiction – and that will take active work to normalise consent and gender equity, because we’re too close already. Here’s the longer version.

I write erotica online under the pseudonym All These Roadworks. My erotica largely deals with non-consent, degradation of women, and slavery.

That’s a challenging topic and a challenging space, and it imposes some additional responsibilities on me as a writer of that content.

First up, let’s say this: this work is enjoyed by healthy, mature people of all genders. I have readers who are women. I have readers who are men. Some of those readers are trans. Some of those readers are straight. Some are bisexual. I know for a fact that many of them are people who have an unwavering commitment to consent and gender equity in real life, and I hope the rest do too.

We don’t choose our kinks. Our kinks choose us. The very things that our society considers most strongly taboo are disproportionately likely to become fetished as a result of that taboo. Also, our brains often deal with trauma and stress through sex. It’s very common for survivors of sexual abuse to have rape fantasies. That doesn’t mean they want to actually be raped – it means they’re processing trauma through eroticism.

Today, with gender politics very much front and centre of the public consciousness, it is entirely unsurprising that many people want to explore gender degradation fantasies. That doesn’t mean that they want to oppress women, or think that women are actually inferior. It means that it’s important for us to all take a public stand defending the rights of women, and that the stress of that needs an outlet.

That’s normal. That’s healthy. We don’t choose our kinks. But we do choose what to do about them. There is no harm in consenting adults engaging in fictional depictions of problematic topics. Reading Conan the Barbarian doesn’t mean we actually want to slay people with a broadsword. Watching Friday the 13th doesn’t mean we want to become a serial killer. These are cathartic societal outlets.

The stories I write are ridiculous in many respects. And yet, they’re entirely too plausible. Women do face an unacceptably high level of sexual harassment and sexual violence. Women are struggling to keep hard-won human rights in countries across the globe, and particularly in Western democracies. Women do find themselves in humiliating and unsafe situations every day through the normal operation of the society that we live in.

Everyone – and particularly readers of my stories – needs to actively work to make that change. The world in which we are best able to consensually enjoy our kinky fantasies is a world in which everyone – including women – is safe, respected and empowered to pursue their interests without fear of being shamed, assaulted, or having the expression of their sexuality taken as consent to having someone else’s imposed upon them.

The only acceptable basis for real-life romantic or sexual interaction is positive, enthusiastic, informed consent.

People who want to be sexual need to be free to consensually do so. People who don’t want that, or don’t want it in that form, or with that person, or at that time, or under those conditions… need to have that respected unconditionally, and without them needing to have to say it twice.

Please enjoy my stories. But they are not your manifesto – or anyone else’s. They are not an expression of how the world should be. Please, be good people. Build a better world for everyone.

And finally, by way of putting some money where my mouth is:

In any month where I make more than $300 of profit from alltheseroadworks.com, I will make a donation of 5% of the profits to a charity supporting women’s rights, that combats sexual harassment and violence, or that helps the women-inclusive victims of sexual and domestic violence.

Thank you for reading. Keep enjoying my work.

– All These Roadworks, May 2023

[martinbackhausen]

The Universal Language of Music: Understanding Its Full Meaning and Impact

Music is an art form that has been a part of human culture for thousands of years. It evokes emotions, connects people across borders and languages, and transcends time and space. But what is the full meaning of music? Is it a form of entertainment, or does it hold a deeper significance in our lives?

At its core, music is a form of communication that employs sound and rhythm to convey messages and emotions. It can take many forms, from classical orchestral compositions to modern-day electronic beats, but all music shares a common purpose: to express something meaningful.

One of the most significant aspects of music is its ability to unite people across borders and cultures. Regardless of language or background, people can connect through the universal language of music. Music has played a crucial role in many historical events, from civil rights protests in the United States to the fall of the Berlin Wall in Germany. Music was a powerful symbol of unity and resistance against oppression in these cases.

Music can also evoke strong emotions in listeners, whether joy, sadness, anger, or nostalgia. This is because music activates the same parts of the brain that are involved in processing emotions. Listening to music can be a cathartic experience that helps us process and cope with our feelings.

Moreover, music has therapeutic properties recognized by medical professionals for centuries. Music therapy is often used to help patients manage pain, reduce stress and anxiety, and improve their overall well-being. This is because music can stimulate the release of endorphins, natural painkillers, and lower cortisol levels, a hormone associated with stress.

However, music is not just a tool for personal growth and development. It also has cultural significance that varies across different societies and time periods. In some cultures, music is a part of religious or spiritual ceremonies; in others, it is a means of storytelling or transmitting historical knowledge. In many African cultures, for instance, music is used to celebrate life events such as births, marriages, and funerals.

Beyond its emotional and therapeutic benefits, music also profoundly impacts cognitive function. Studies have shown that playing a musical instrument can enhance memory, improve spatial reasoning skills, and boost creativity. Moreover, playing music in a group setting can promote teamwork and social skills.

In Western culture, music has traditionally been associated with artistry and creativity. From Beethoven to the Beatles, musicians have used music to express complex emotions and ideas, often drawing inspiration from literature, philosophy, and other art forms. At the same time, popular music has emerged as a dominant force in mainstream culture, providing a platform for artists to express their own stories and perspectives on the world.

In conclusion, the meaning of music is multifaceted and complex. It is a universal language that transcends borders and cultures, provides emotional and therapeutic benefits, and is a means of personal and cultural expression. Music will always hold a significant place in our lives, whether listening to music as a means of escape, learning to play an instrument as a form of cognitive development, or using it to foster social change. It is an art form that connects us to something greater than ourselves, so its full meaning and impact will continue to be explored and celebrated for centuries to come.

[tulasihealth]

Innovative Therapies at Tulasi Healthcare: From Art Therapy to Mindfulness Practices

Innovation in mental health care manifests itself in sensitivity to the diversified needs of patients. Tulasi Healthcare, one of India's best mental health institutions, has also adopted this principle by embracing a wide variety of innovative therapies that have become an intrinsic part of the treatment programs within the institution. By fusing ancient Ayurvedic and modern therapies, Tulasi Healthcare is able to create an integral, holistic approach to mental health care. The blog talks about some of the innovative therapies provided at Tulasi Healthcare and how they add to the well-being of the patients, how psychiatrists play a very important role in India's process.

Art Therapy: Healing Through Creativity Art therapy at Tulasi Healthcare means much more than activity for activity's sake; it is intense therapy. Such therapy allows patients to express their feelings and experiences through a variety of creative media, like drawing, painting, and sculpting. Particularly in cases where patients are unable to put their emotions into words, art therapy provides an outlet for communication and processing their emotions.

It is common for patients to express at Tulasi Healthcare that participation in art therapy helps them understand their inner thoughts and feelings better, for gaining awareness and emotional healing. In fact, art-making could be cathartic and empowering with a sense of accomplishment and tangibility regarding their journey on the path to recovery.

Mindfulness Practices: Cultivating Present-Moment Awareness Mindfulness practices form an intrinsic part of the therapeutic approach at Tulasi Healthcare. These techniques involve training patients to stay present in the moment, which can help reduce levels of stress and anxiety immensely. Some techniques that get implemented quite frequently in treatment plans include mindfulness meditation, breathing exercises, and mindful movement.

Mindfulness is a process through which patients can perceive their thoughts and feelings in a non-judgmental way. In this respect, such an increased level of consciousness might be supported by better control over one's emotions and insight into the mental health disorder. For those suffering from chronic stress, anxiety, or depression, mindfulness practices offer practical tools to cope with their symptoms and improve the overall quality of life.

The Role of Psychiatrists in India It is through these innovative therapies that psychiatrists in India, more so at Tulasi Healthcare, play a very vital role in integrating within comprehensive treatment plans. Their expertise in understanding complexities of mental health conditions enables them to tailor therapies according to the needs of every patient.

Psychiatrists at Tulasi Healthcare work in coordination with art therapists, mindfulness coaches, and other mental health professionals to come up with a cohesive approach toward care. They do pay proper attention to the progress of their patients and modify treatment plans whenever necessary so as to enable these new therapies to reach their full potential. These medical professionals take a holistic approach to ensure that the psychological and physical aspects of mental health get proper attention.

Music Therapy: The Sound of Healing Another creative intervention that Tulasi Healthcare has adopted is music therapy. Music therapy makes use of the therapeutic attributes of music in advancing the healing process of a patient both emotionally and psychologically. Guided by trained music therapists, patients are engaged in activities such as listening to music, playing instruments, and composing songs.

Mood enhancement, decrease of anxiety, and the promotion of feelings of bonding are extremely common in music therapy. Actually, music's rhythmic and melodic features have a direct impact on the brain, so it will be easier for patients to soothe and uplift themselves through music. For many, music becomes a source of comfort and a means to explore and express their emotions.

The Integration of Traditional and Modern Therapies These innovative therapies at Tulasi Healthcare go alongside traditional Ayurvedic practices to make for a holistic approach toward mental healthcare. The practice of Ayurveda concentrates on the balancing of the body's energies and enhancement of one's own healing capabilities. This, merged with the modern therapies of art therapy and mindfulness, addresses the mind, body, and spirit to provide full care.

Conclusion: The state-of-the-art therapies practiced by Tulasi Healthcare, such as art therapy, mindfulness practices, music therapy, and others, combine with the traditional Ayurvedic treatments for a very different way of recovery to be presented to the patient. The proficient psychiatrists of India, along with other mental health experts at Tulasi Healthcare, provide specific and comprehensive care to their patients during their journey towards mental wellness. It is for this that Tulasi Healthcare has evolved some pioneering strategies to help in not only the treatment of disorders of mental health but also the empowerment of patients towards living a well-balanced and satisfying life.

[awesomehealth]

The Therapeutic Benefits of Coloring: Enhancing Self-Care with Physical Coloring Books

In today's fast-paced world, self-care has become an essential practice to maintain mental and emotional well-being. Among the myriad self-care activities available, coloring in physical coloring books stands out as a simple yet profoundly effective way to relax and rejuvenate. This age-old pastime offers numerous benefits, making it a valuable addition to any self-care routine. In this post, we'll explore the therapeutic benefits of coloring and how it can enhance your self-care practice.

Stress Reduction and Relaxation

Coloring is a meditative activity that allows individuals to focus on the present moment, diverting attention from worries and stress. The repetitive motion of coloring and the act of choosing colors can induce a state of relaxation similar to mindfulness meditation. As you immerse yourself in coloring, your mind tends to quiet down, helping to reduce anxiety and promote a sense of calm.

Enhanced Focus and Concentration

Engaging in coloring requires concentration and attention to detail, which can help improve focus and cognitive function. This practice can be particularly beneficial for those who struggle with overthinking or find it hard to concentrate on a single task. By dedicating time to coloring, you train your brain to sustain attention, which can translate into improved productivity in other areas of life.

Creative Expression

Coloring allows for creative expression without the pressure of producing a "perfect" piece of art. This can be liberating for individuals who may feel intimidated by traditional art forms. Through coloring, you can experiment with colors, patterns, and techniques, fostering creativity and self-expression in a relaxed and enjoyable manner.

Emotional Release

Coloring can serve as an emotional outlet, helping you process and express feelings that might be difficult to articulate. The act of filling spaces with color can be cathartic, allowing you to release pent-up emotions and gain a sense of control. This emotional release can contribute to better emotional regulation and overall mental health.

Improved Motor Skills and Vision

For adults, coloring can help maintain and improve fine motor skills and hand-eye coordination. The precision required to stay within the lines and the use of different strokes and pressures can enhance dexterity. Additionally, the visual stimulation from differentiating colors and patterns can help sharpen vision and spatial awareness.

A Break from Digital Screens

In our increasingly digital world, taking a break from screens is crucial for eye health and mental clarity. Coloring in a physical book offers a tangible, screen-free activity that can provide a much-needed respite from the constant barrage of digital information. This break can help reduce digital eye strain and mental fatigue.

Social Connection

Coloring can also be a social activity, providing an opportunity to connect with others. Whether you're coloring with family, friends, or in a community group, it can foster a sense of togetherness and shared purpose. This social interaction can be particularly beneficial for combating feelings of loneliness and isolation.

Conclusion

Incorporating coloring into your self-care routine can offer a multitude of benefits, from stress reduction and improved focus to creative expression and emotional release. If you're looking for a way to unwind and nurture your well-being, consider picking up a coloring book and some colored pencils.

For those interested in exploring this therapeutic activity, check out this beautifully designed coloring book on Amazon: [Take Care Coloring Book]. Happy coloring!

[music-industry-updates]

How Music Shapes Our Emotions: The Psychological Impact of Melodies

Music is a universal language that transcends cultural and linguistic barriers, reaching the deepest corners of our hearts and minds. From the joyful beats of a pop song to the somber notes of a classical composition, music has the profound ability to shape our emotions. But what is it about music that can make us feel elated, melancholic, or nostalgic? This article delves into the psychological impact of music on human emotions, exploring the science behind it and the ways in which different genres and tempos can influence our moods.

The Science Behind Music and Emotions

At the core of our emotional response to music is the brain. When we listen to music, it activates multiple areas of the brain, including those responsible for emotions, memory, and even motor functions. Neuroimaging studies have shown that listening to music can increase activity in the brain’s reward centers, such as the nucleus accumbens, which releases dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward. This explains why we often feel a rush of joy when we hear a favorite song.

Moreover, music has been found to affect the amygdala, the brain region involved in processing emotions. Different types of music can induce various emotional states by stimulating the amygdala in unique ways. For instance, fast-paced music with a strong rhythm can energize us, while slow, melodic tunes can have a calming effect.

How Different Genres Affect Moods

Music comes in countless genres, each with its own distinct emotional flavor. Here’s a look at how some popular genres impact our emotions:

Classical Music: Often associated with relaxation and contemplation, classical music can help reduce stress and anxiety. Pieces by composers like Mozart and Beethoven are known for their soothing and intricate melodies, which can create a sense of tranquility.

Pop Music: Known for its upbeat and catchy tunes, pop music can boost our mood and make us feel more energetic. The repetitive nature and simple, relatable lyrics of pop songs often evoke feelings of happiness and excitement.

Rock Music: With its powerful guitar riffs and intense vocals, rock music can evoke a wide range of emotions, from anger and frustration to empowerment and exhilaration. Listening to rock music can be a cathartic experience, helping to release pent-up emotions.

Jazz Music: Characterized by its complex rhythms and improvisation, jazz can create a relaxed and introspective atmosphere. It’s often associated with creativity and can stimulate the mind while providing a soothing backdrop.

Electronic Music: Often used in dance clubs and parties, electronic music with its repetitive beats and high energy can induce a state of euphoria and excitement. It’s designed to get people moving and can significantly uplift the mood.

Real-Life Examples of Music Therapy

Music therapy is a clinical and evidence-based practice that uses music to address physical, emotional, cognitive, and social needs of individuals. Here are some real-life examples of how music therapy has made a difference:

Alzheimer’s and Dementia: Music therapy has been shown to improve memory and cognitive function in patients with Alzheimer’s disease and dementia. Familiar songs from a patient’s past can trigger memories and improve their mood and engagement.

Mental Health Disorders: Music therapy is used to treat various mental health conditions, including depression, anxiety, and PTSD. It helps patients express their emotions, process trauma, and find relief from symptoms.

Pain Management: Hospitals use music therapy to help patients manage pain. Listening to calming music can reduce the perception of pain and the need for pain medication in surgical and chronic pain patients.

Studies and Research on Music’s Impact on Mental Health

Numerous studies have explored the link between music and mental health. Research has shown that music can reduce cortisol levels, the hormone associated with stress. A study published in the journal Psychoneuroendocrinology found that listening to music before a stressful event can significantly lower cortisol levels and reduce stress.

Another study published in The Lancet reported that patients who listened to music after undergoing surgery experienced less pain and anxiety compared to those who did not. These findings highlight the potential of music as a powerful tool for mental health and well-being.

The psychological benefits of music are vast and well-documented. Whether it’s lifting our spirits, calming our nerves, or helping us process complex emotions, music has the power to influence our mental state in profound ways. By understanding and harnessing the emotional impact of music, we can use it as a tool for improving our overall well-being. So, the next time you feel overwhelmed or down, try putting on your favorite song and let the music work its magic.

How did each song make you feel? Did any particular genre resonate with you more than others?

Discover the power of music on your emotions! Share your favorite mood-boosting song in the comments below and tell us how it makes you feel.

More related articles : Upload your songs on apple music Ways to earn money as a musician Access Spotify artist account

[miscelunaaa]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 💗

HELLO SUNNYYYYY

Ah, I was just wondering about this last night while I was organizing some of my notes, tbh. In a way, all of them are my favorite, because they've all got something I love in them, butttt I do have my favorites 😅 let's dive in!

Sodium Vapor: Ah, wow. I know I literally just wrote this last weekend, but I've never written anything like it. And I finally got to express some really deeply felt shit in a way that made it feel like it was worth feeling. I love this fic. I've reread it maybe five times already. And I'm floored and emotional every single time. In a lot of ways, it feels like a long poem. I'm trash at poetry, to be honest, but this felt so so close to chasing this fleeting emotion and loneliness that's sort of followed me for so long. I'm going to be thinking about this piece of writing for a really long time.

Flat Sprite and Saltine Crackers: I think about this fic all the time. It's another one of those that just hit out of nowhere, and suddenly I was writing and couldn't stop. It's the first example of writing I had where I felt genuinely confident that it did what I wanted it to do. And well, it's Dad!Joon. It almost never misses.

Give Yourself a Try: This fic held my hand when I needed it most. I'm still shocked it happened at all sometimes, and posting it was really kind of stressful. When you really really pour your heart into something like this, you get concerned that all of the feelings you've built into it are going to be overlooked for the 3k of smut at the end. I genuinely had that concern, because it often feels like folks on Tumblr are just after p0rn. This simple fact has been an enormous stressor over the past several weeks and it's irritating as fuck, especially if you're writing for the reasons I am. Instead, this fic became so much more than that for so many people. It's the best gift and love letter I could have written for myself, and so many other people felt the same and felt seen in a way I never expected them to. I cannot thank them enough for sharing their vulnerability with me. It was an amazing experience.

Three Minutes: I shit y'all not, I wrote this in the span of like, three or four hours. The note's creation time is 10:31 am, and the posting time is 3:22. I ate somewhere in there, and did some editing. Sometimes something just comes over you. This one made me so soft. Writing is often an emotional experience but this one was a little closer to home than the rest. That feeling of helplessness that one often feels when a faraway friend needs care and you're not there? That's something I feel regularly and deeply. So this was cathartic in away. It's also another example of a piece of writing that felt like it did what I intended it to do, and that's a feeling I deeply cherish.

Things Left Unsaid: I .... really have no other reason for picking this other than Rancher!Joon make brain go BRRRRRRRR and I really really love the fact that I got to be a little nitpicky about period costuming. I also really love the dynamic that these two have. I should have waited to make this something bigger but at the time I just needed something quick and hot and smutty and a little angry and just something about two people figuring their shit out together. I’m hoping I can get myself to revisit these two some time soon. They deserve it!

Alright, well that’s enough feelings for the day. The ups and downs of the past month are being keenly felt on the heels of the ongoing shit show that is being a human in this place and at this time so I’m going to go throw myself into working on something, and hope for the best. If you’ve made it this far, thank you! This was fun, albeit a little wobbly, to write :)

[loquaciousquark]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E111 (Sept. 29, 2020)

@eponymous-rose‘s internet is out tonight, so I’m here late and without coffee! Let’s see how many typos we can fit into an hour and a half episode.

Tonight’s guests: Ashley Williams JOHNSON, oops!! & Liam O’Brien!

We open with Brian in light-up vented sunglasses and Henry at his side, as always. Dani is very excited to be back and has fun-buns in her hair tonight. So cute! Everyone talks about how much they’re Zooming these days for work, and Liam mentions he and Matt & Marisha did a digital cocktail night. He and Dani arrange on camera to have a distanced, masked meetup in the park so Dani can see Liam’s dog again.

No announcements! Tonight, we’re discussin’ episodes 110 and 111.

Starting with the end, Brian jumps right to it by asking how they feel that Molly is alive. Liam 100% thought we’d be back to him, but still wasn’t ready when it happened. Caleb doubted he was alive. Both Liam & Ashley marvel at the numerology that keeps cropping up throughout the show. Brian hates not being able to see it at the same time the show happens live; Ashley was biting her tongue not telling him spoilers. (He doesn’t want to hear spoilers unless Yasha dies so he can be there for Ashley if needed.) Brian says he has a little reality trauma from the night Pike died in the pre-stream game; it was the first time he’d realized how much it affected the players.

Ashley’s realized how much she misses unpacking the game with Brian when they get home. She just has to sit with it until everyone else gets to see it. Brian: “Instead she comes home and I have to fill her in on the Real Housewives of Amarillo, Texas.”

Reunion dinner with Trent! Liam talks about how the way things unfolded with Trent is not at all how he imagined it in his pre-game creation; he’d expected more of a fracas, more of an unexpected clash. “Caleb might have been a different person if he’d run into these people earlier in the story. The M9 changed him before [Trent & co] came back and got to him.” He’d imagined Astrid & Eodwulf to be complicated encounters, but says what Matt’s designed has been even harder than that. A fight on a mountain is one thing, but walking into a room with “what Trent dropped, is impossible to cope with.” It also means that if what Trent said is true, anything Caleb does now is effectively of Trent’s design, even killing him.

He doesn’t think Caleb would have gone anywhere near Trent & co without the M9. “The Mighty Nein--it took a long time--but they cracked Caleb open like a walnut.”

He thinks what Matt has done is much more murky than the simplicity of murder, such as the Briarwood arc. He can’t just exact his revenge now.

Liam says that the tempation to tinker with time is no longer as all-consuming as it was. He might still be tempted if Matt dangles a bunch of carrots in front of him, but he thinks that now it might be better to make sure that that kind of thing doesn’t happen anymore for anyone else (!!!). “It’s still a nugget in his brain and it’s still possible he could be tempted by the drug, but what he wanted in the beginning was entirely selfish, but now that the M9 are involved he owes it to them, to the people of the country, even on the Dynasty side--is so complex that if Caleb were to get that carrot and chase it, he would be risking everything.”

Ashley agrees that most of their choices are no longer black and white. Many of the situations feel more like real life. Liam agrees and says he’ll sometimes make decisions that he’s both really happy with and regrets at the same time. They both look forward to what Matt will reveal in Act 3.

Brian feels it’s tough to gauge how deep they are into what Matt’s planned for the campaign. Liam says that thanks to Matt’s skill, he really doesn’t know what Caleb wants right now.

Ashley agrees, and talks about how she created Yasha to have more to overcome than Pike. She loves what Matt’s doing in terms of allowing each of them to overcome more emotional hurdles than physical ones in this campaign.

Going back to Molly’s grave was very exciting for Ashley since she wasn’t able to be there when he died in the game & wanted to do what she could to honor him. Yasha, however, was very hesitant but knew what needed to be done. She’s not very open with her emotions, but both she & Ashley were stressed. They all could feel the energy in the studio & knew Matt was about to do something mind-blowing. Liam: “You could feel all the dust in the air coalescing around Taliesin.”

Brian trips over Eodwulf. Liam tries to help him find some pronunciation shortcuts. Ashley: “You say it so beautifully.” Brian: “Thank you.” Ashley: “Not you.”

Caleb knows how wickedly intelligent & ambitious Astrid is, and was heartened by the wavering he saw in her at the dinner. However, he can’t trust her until he knows why she’s where she is.

He really feels that if they’d had this dinner 60 episodes ago, Caleb might have tilted back along the evil axis and he would have had to retire the character. He had a playlist entirely for if Caleb turned evil and left the party.

The vision of Zuala was a huge deal for Yasha, even along every other instance she’s had of being mind-controlled, etc. “That’s guilt I think she will always carry with her, but at least she’s starting to forgive herself.” Losing the chains, sprouting wings again--Ashley reiterates that she didn’t know that was even a possibility, she just picked the skeletal wings because they were dope--were huge moments in the character development. Ashley’s glad Beau was there at the moment of the first flight; Ashley thinks of the quotation “Happiness is only beautiful when it’s shared,” and because Yasha tends to keep things very much to herself, having someone there to share it made it more impactful. “That was a cool moment. There’s been a lot of healing for Yasha these last episodes.”d

Ashley also says sometimes in that moment, when all eyes are on you in a one-on-one with Matt, everything goes muffled like Saving Private Ryan. “Wub wub wub.”

Dani feels that the only way she could even have the conversation with Zuala was to let her go in the first place.

Liam thinks one of the things that Yasha & Cad share is that still waters run deep. He loves how much Yasha hangs back sometimes, only to then reveal some new moment like the fighting pit. Apparently Ashley also has a knife collection, and uses that metal side of herself when she wants to let that new side of Yasha show.

Cosplay of the Week: Crystal Armstead (@riyuski on twitter) in a Reani cosplay. Beautiful!

How does Liam feel about the return to Rexxentrum? Very, very complicated. Caleb loves magic and lights up when he sees it, which is wrapped in the Soltryce Academy; he brought folks to the dance hall for the same reason, which was wanting the M9 to see the things that he loved about the city.

Yasha felt the same way about visiting the Chantry of the Dawn. It was a memory of a very traumatic moment (almost killing Beau), but given everything that’s happened between then and now it was cathartic to see again. There’s been a lot of healing in the past few weeks. It also felt like a physical representation of Yasha’s growth, the last time she was controlled against her will like that (or at least, until she was mind-controlled by Vokodo. Ashley sighs, aggrieved.)

Brian: “The tower really feels like a love letter from Caleb to his friends.” Liam: “It is, and a love letter from Liam to his friends.” When he looked at Caleb’s spell list, he remembered how amazing the mansion was in Campaign One and how many role-playing moments it led to and knew he wanted to incorporate it. However, he knew it could never be the same as Scanlan’s mansion because Caleb doesn’t have the same improvisational genius as Scanlan does. Liam has been “tinkering with this machine” for over a year, waiting for the moment to reveal it. He loves that he got a chance to see Jester’s room in time to have her tower room reflect reality. He’d discussed the tower extensively with Dani & Matt. Brian: “Hey! What am I, chopped--what’s the saying?” Ashley: “Chopped cabbage?”

Ashley marvels at the design of the dome. Liam talks about how Caleb knowing Caleb has been abused has been slowly getting better, but he also loves now being able to juxtapose that healing with his innate love of magic and how beautiful he finds it, how he loves to use magic as his artistry. The Soltryce Academy wasn’t “Welcome to DEATH SCHOOL,” it was the Sorbonne. It was amazing, everything he wanted. It was only one bad apple within that recruited him and turned it all bad.

Liam also points out how much it means in real life to be able to express his love and care for his friends in person too.

Ashley talks about how much she loves Yasha’s armor in a meta sense because it’s so cool and useful, and great for her armor class, but struggles with what it represents in game. She might not be able to let it go due to its sheer utility, and she may have to find an in-game reason to justify keeping it.

Ashley segues a moment into talking about her velvet top which apparently has a matching velvet scrunchie. She’s asked to demonstrate the scrunchie and ties her hair up in a way that I have never in my life seen someone do with a scrunchie before, and my hair’s been waist-length most of my life. I watch it again in slow motion. How did she DO that??

Caleb’s been looking for the right time to tell Jester about his past for a long time. She’s a good person and makes him feel like he might be capable of becoming a good person at the end, because that’s how she saw him. Liam knew from Laura that Jester wouldn’t condemn him, but Caleb put it off as long as possible. He also wanted to take the time to make sure Caduceus & Yasha knew the whole story too before they went to dinner with Trent.

Liam was also relieved to get it out, because he could never remember who knew and who didn’t, and now he doesn’t have to track it anymore. “Now we can move forward. Now we can heal wounds, maybe.”

Ashley feels Cad picks up a lot, more than most people realize. Yasha was really affected by Cad’s line: “Patience can be good, but it can lead to apathy.” She really feels it opened her eyes, and she appreciated the simplicity of him pointing out her hair’s growing back white again. Having a friend notice “hey, you’re changing for the better” really means a lot. She’s interested in seeing how this means things might change with Beau.

Dani points out that it also reinforced for Yasha that she can want things too--she can be patient and just continue to be with the group, as she’s wanted, but it’s okay to want more than that too. Ashley remembers Veth asking her what her purpose is. There’s a part of her that knows Yasha is still figuring that out, and she’s interested to see how Yasha will continue to change. She’s always spent her life serving somebody--the Sky Spear, Obann--and then even after she joined the M9, it was very centered on “what do you need, what does the group need, how can I help with our next job?” She’s going to have to take some time to figure out what she wants.

Fanart of the Week! Lovely Yasha & Beau flight art by @JMNP7888. The wings look amazing!

Brian: “One of the things we want to talk to you about, Liam, is about the Vokodo fight and the FUCKING disintegrate spell.”

Liam: “That was one of the most insane 60-90 seconds of gameplay that ever existed for the table, and definitely for me, in the entire history of the show. A lot of people think I just went, oh man, just bet it all on black. But what if I told you that...I Larkin’d the first 20 seconds of that fight and then at a quarter to midnight, I forgot that the reflection was a thing? I just forgot it was a thing! I spent that whole battle thinking I’m just here to banish things. I might buff my friends a little bit, maybe I’ll counterspell, but I’m just here to banish. And it didn’t work and it didn’t work and then it did! Finally it did and Jester made it work and then he was GONE. And then everyone got greedy and it was done but we brought him BACK. And it was a quarter to midnight and I’m not an animatronic D&D lesson machine, I’m just a guy playing D&D at 11:45 at night, and he came back and everyone started Goodfellas circling him and kicking him, and Beau & Yasha are gonna kill him, and then it’s my turn? Disintegrate! And then the room was quiet, and then time passed, and Matt asked, you really cast Disintegrate? And I said yes, of course, and Matt started rolling dice, and in the back of my head I started wondering why he asked if I was rolling Disintegrate. Oh no. In the back of my brain, I was like, well, just tell him that’s not what you did. Tell him you didn’t remember the reflection thing. But he’s already rolling dice! You can’t take it back now. Hold on a second. I’m going to take you on the journey I went through. I was thinking: you have a spell save of 17. This thing wasn’t that fast. +1, +2, maybe? Anything under 14 is okay. That’s 70%. 70%. That’s okay, right? And still no one said anything to tip me off that I was in ELDRITCH MADNESS at that point, no one said anything about the reflection! And then I realize it can reflect back on us, and I realize this is...disintegrate. And then I started becoming morbidly, macabre-ly fascinated at the puppet dance of death I had created. Well, this is a mess. I have made a mess. Let’s just sit in it. And somehow, nonsensically, spectacularly, it worked out in my favor. I went home that night and I got in bed next to my wife, who was fast asleep, and I stared at the ceiling going, dude. Duuuuuuuude. Duuuuuuuuuude.”

He apparently also told his therapist about this and how terrible it was and how close he “danced myself to the precipice like a crazy person!” Marisha (as told by Liam): “Epic roll, though.”

Matt told Liam that night that if it had been reflected, it would have gone back on him. “If a player throws an M80 in the middle of a room, it would reflect on that player who threw it.”

Ashley talks about how interesting that Yasha is not performative, and yet has been doing these public performances with the harp. It’s a great experiment for Ashley--Yasha doesn’t like the attention, but feels like she is making something beautiful for the world.” She’s trying to change something about how she views herself & her place in the world. She was raised to be a weapon for the Sky Spear, but she’s also extremely gentle and loves flowers & beautiful music, and the further away she’s gotten from the tribe, she’s falling in love with gentle, beautiful things. 

Liam also points out it easy (real, but simplistic) to make an entire character centered around a single personality trait: “I’m angry all the time. I’m sad all the time.” He thinks it’s more realistic to see nuance in personality.

Liam can see some paths for Caleb to find peace & do good. He doesn’t know if Caleb is conscious of those. He thinks it’s a huge step forward to admit he was molded in this direction at all and that it wasn’t all his choice, but doesn’t know if this is the same possibility as redemption.

He also mentions Essek in this answer: there was/is attraction there, both intellectual and physical--the forehead kiss was a big marker of that--and he’s interested in seeing where that goes because he’s invested in Essek’s redemption arc on its own, but Essek is not as high on the list as other things Caleb/the M9 need to work on. He loved the “high spy times” of the Essek arc and the tangled-up-ness of feelings getting involved at the same time as intense commitment to duty.

Liam always felt Matt would bring Molly back in some aspect, even though Caleb always demurred because he doesn’t believe in fate. Dani and Brian agree that this is the start of a new act.

Ashley cried at the Vilya reunion. She thought that was an incredible moment and was so glad to see Keyleth. Liam: “Keyleth as part of our story is everything to me. That story is really important to me, so getting just a glimpse of her again was so important to me.” They could all see how that affected Marisha & how special it was to her. Liam: “It was such a great note in her song or color in her painting. She achieved magnificent things and was powerful and great, but had a very heartbreaking and sad ending, so to have this sliver of joy go back in is so complex and beautiful and masterfully done.”

Aaaaaaand that’s all for tonight! Remember, no Critical Role this week. Talks will be back in two weeks. As always, don’t forget to love each other. <3

[otterbagel]

The Reunion (Part 1) Simon x Reader

Reader makes a rash decision, one that has long lasting consequences.

(Notes: There are two parts to this! Next part should be out next week. I'll probably start spacing out my posts after this so I don't get burnt out like last time. Also, didn't get to edit this one as much as I should've; the whole thing ended up pretty long and would take a long time everytime I tried to edit it. Can't believe it took me this long to finish one about Simon!!!)

"Hey, this is quite the unusual find, you gotta admit."

   Your eyebrow raised without hesitation, your eyes looking down to check your shoes. "Not really," you remarked softly, eyes going back up to meet the object of the discussion: a PL600 android.

   The salesman, who had uncomfortably started hounding you for the sale after you had curiously drifted towards the humanoid, was gesturing towards it flippantly with a toothy grin. "At this price?! Tell me, no, tell me where you found one this cheap— in this good a condition?"

   Your mouth automatically frowned. The arms were covered by a dark undershirt that made most of the skin unseeable— any damage not on the face and hands wouldn't be factored into the buying purchase. You had a feeling this clothing choice was intentional.

   "Just three hundred bucks!" The seller's round face turned into your line of sight. You quickly looked away out of discomfort.

   Your eyes landed onto the android's clear blue ones. You hadn't looked very closely at any androids before, despite walking amongst them nearly every day. Did they all look this lifelike? 

   Maybe you were looking way too into it. 

   You swallowed, aggressively fumbling for your wallet with a grunt of annoyance. "Okay, fine. Three hundred."

   With a pleased noise, the seller took off with your card, waving it in the air between two of his fingers. 

   You crossed your arms beside the android, who didn't seem to take any notice of what had just transpired. 

…

   Reality had begun to hit you like a truck on the way home.

   By the time you opened the door to your tiny house, you realized just how big of a rash decision you had just made.

   The android stood behind you quietly and without complaint as you released the door handle, letting the door softly bang against the wall. You stared dumbly into your own house, coat hanging limply from one of your dangling arms as you searched your brain for a solution. 

   You frowned, shaking your head rapidly. "I have no room for this."

   "Excuse me—"

   You jumped at the android's sudden intrusion into your own self reprimand, a small noise of fright escaping you before you could even begin to think of holding it back.

   "—would you like me to get started?"

   "Uh, yeah yeah yeah, uh… do whatever you want," you waved it off awkwardly, holding a hand to your chest as you attempted to catch your breath. You hurried inside, embarrassed of the whole situation. 

   You sat down on the couch as the android closed the door and walked past you and into the kitchen.

   Without turning it on, you stared at the TV as your fingertips rubbed against your face in nervousness.

   That had been such an impulse buy. You couldn't believe you had done that.

   The faucet turned on for a moment. You think you had put a cup in there, but there wasn't much else to clean.

   It seemed to be working properly. The guy who sold it was certainly odd and abrasive, but all in all it was a pretty good deal. Usually they were more than twice as much; newer models so expensive that the thought of you owning one was impossible. Even if it had some cosmetic damages, that was a small issue compared to its functionality.

   Trying to ignore the strange new entity in the house, you flipped on the TV. It was the news.

   There was some story about a recent fire that had decimated a small apartment building on the outskirts of Detroit. The police said it likely had something to do with Red Ice, although most evidence would probably be destroyed.

   The android had finished whatever it was doing in the kitchen and had quietly begun watching the TV from the archway. 

   You looked at it as it parted its lips in preparation to speak. "Are you a fan of the news?"

   "Sort of," you chuckled, looking back to the screen. "I work at a newstation— not this one, but I like checking it out from time to time."

   The android nodded, continuing to watch the screen as it held its hands politely behind its back.

   You looked it over, getting that feeling of nervousness again. "W-what's your name?" You blurted out quietly and without any grace.

   It blinked at you, the LED spinning blue for a second. "My previous owners named me Simon. Would you like to change my name?"

   You shook your head to yourself. "Do you like your name?"

   It squinted at you in confusion before returning to its natural, composed look. "It's good," it responded.

   Although you tried to maintain a jovial body language, you weren't doing a good job. "Great! Si… Simon is a great name," you chirped out awkwardly.

   "Thank you," Simon replied, giving a small head bow.

   You turned your head away from it as you felt your face grow warm with embarrassment. 

   What on Earth was happening to you?

   

…

   You had been having a strange dream about work when you heard someone calling your name.

   "...huh…?" you called out groggily.

   Your name again. "...I think you're going to be late for work at this rate…"

   Your eyes fluttered open. Simon was fiddling with his hands as he held them in front of his chest, eyes moving between you and the clock beside the bed.

   It said 8:32.

   The comforter was flung nearly off the bed as you jumped up in a panic. "Oh geez, yeah I'm gonna be late…" Random clothes filled your arms that you grabbed from your drawers as you prepared to go to work. "Thanks for waking me."

   Simon quietly made his way over to you as you tried finding a pair of socks. "I didn't hear you walking around this morning," he said with a chuckle. "And where you stayed up later than usual last night… I figured…"

   A laugh escaped you as you headed off towards the bathroom to get ready.

   He had been living here… maybe three months? It had seemed like a much longer time than that. In that amount of time, things had definitely changed between you two.

   Despite it being his intended purpose, it felt strange to have someone doing all your housework for you. It became an odd ritual pretty quickly: once you got home, you would work on chores together. Not that there were many— that was one of the perks of having a small house— but it just made you feel better about the whole thing.

   The whole process was a bit cathartic for you; away from the hustle and bustle of the busy, stressful life at the newstation and into a warm, domestic one.

   You hurried to the front door to slip on your shoes, Simon leaving his spot on the couch to see you off. 

   "I think I'll make it on time," you joked as you looked up at him. "Thanks again."

   "No problem…" he responded quietly, struggling to retain eye contact with you.

   As you rose to your feet, he gave you a brief hug. Your face immediately began to burn bright red.

   "Have… have a good day at work…" he stuttered out before walking in quick strides to the kitchen.

   You were still frozen in place by the time he exited your vision. "Y-you too…" you blurted out before fumbling out the door, realizing your linguistic blunder before you had even closed the door.

   As you headed down the street, you let your hands touch your heated face. 

…

   You had nearly run home out of excitement.

   It had been such a small thing, but the prospects of your future career had your mind going nuts.

   After fumbling to get the key in the door and tossing it open, you slung your coat off your arms in a fluid motion. "Simon! Simon! You won't believe it!"

   He was sitting on the couch— like he usually had been over the past year— engaged in some overly dramatic show you weren't particularly fond of. His eyes were wide at your sudden entrance. "Yes?"

   You let the door make its way closed before you kicked it shut behind you, holding your arms out. "They said they liked my article!"

   Simon stared for a moment before his LED flashed in excitement. "THE article?" He sat up on the edge of his seat, smiling at you as he was filled with a wave of positive energy.

   "Yeah!" You nodded. "Not to get you too excited, but they're showing it to some of the higher ups, but it looks like I might get my own schedule slot soon!"

   "Oh wow!" He exclaimed, rising to his feet and taking you into his arms to lift you up for a split second. "I knew it would happen! I'm so proud!"

   You erupted into a fit of giggles as he held you, almost enjoying his praise as much as your own success. "Thanks Simon, I couldn't have done it without you."

   He released you, letting his hands rest against your sides. "That's not true," he responded quietly, his face red as he looked to the side.

   With a warm smile, you nodded to him. "Yes," you drawed out for effect. "You even came up with the idea. And, not to mention, the moral support."

   He stepped back a little, crossing his arms as he attempted to hide his expression of happiness. "You're too kind."

   The TV played in the silence, Simon fiddling with the edge of one of his sleeves as he pulled it down.

   Your mind raced as you looked at his hand, debating on bringing it up right now when the mood was so light.

   "They mentioned… uh... increasing my pay," you began, watching his expression for any hint of distress. "I thought that maybe… we could finally… you know… get that fixed…"

   His hands trailed along his sleeve as he nodded to himself, seemingly lost in thought. "Yeah," he responded. "That would be nice… but it would be so expensive… are you sure?"

   It had taken a few weeks to first see it, and even longer for you to see the full extent of the damage, but your initial thoughts had been correct. The long sleeves had been put on him for a reason, and it had seemed as though it had gradually become a personal choice as well.

   His forearms and biceps had a lot of physical damage, certainly from his previous owners. 

   Luckily, it had been almost purely cosmetic. Aside from a few light dents and scratches to his actual body, it was just a matter of getting the covering fixed. As of now, the white sheen of his android body was always visible underneath his sleeves.

   You wrung your hands together out of nervousness. "I just know how you said that you wanted it fixed," you took in a sharp inhale. "It won't be a problem to actually do, I've already been saving for a while…"

   He smiled, rushing in to hug you again. You, a bit caught off guard this time, was frozen in place.

   "I'd like to put the past behind me," he said as you finally came to and hugged him back, albeit still in a bit of a shock. "I think this is the first step."

   As you embraced, you couldn't help but feel a pang of excitement and anxiety.

[blissfulsun]

Oooh girl there was once concept I sent you awhile back and I'm still craving it. It's where you are either cramping cause you're on your period or you've just had a horrid day, and pre-relationship Jeff wants to go all out to comfort you but he doesn't know how to do that without revealing his ever growing feelings towards you. I'm in for sooo much fluff right now. I have written SO much smut in the past 2 days that I just need some Jeffrey cuddle time at this point. LOL

late but I hope u still like it I love uuuuu❣️

It’s a day from hell, your meeting running well into your lunch break and workload never ceasing in volume.

To top it off, your period comes early and surprises you in the middle of the afternoon.

So with a heavy heart, you drop Jeff a simple message asking to reschedule your movie night.

There’s no reply as you finally get in your car and watch the office disappear around the corner, it’s looming pressure still heavy on your shoulders even as you ran for the lift inside your apartment complex.

You check your phone again, thrown deepening at the read 5:08pm that stares back at you.

Is he upset? The last thing you need on this Friday night is for your best friend to be upset with you for cancelling your weekly movie night.

The dark thoughts stay with you as you make it to your floor and step off the elevator, only to smack straight into a hard wall, or rather, chest as you turn the corner to your door.

‘Woah...careful doll’ you hear him before you see him, head lifting up so fast it almost gives you a whiplash as you finally look up to see Jeff standing right in front of you, one hand holding a plastic bag & other wrapped around your lower back to stop the almost fall you’ve had.

‘Hi? I - did you get my text? I’m so sorry but I’ve had the worst day ever and I don’t know if-‘ Jeff stops your stressed rambling, sensing the way tension to seeps into you as you continue to rant.

His hand drops the bag in an instant, both moving to carefully wrap around the nape of your neck and the other to cradle your warm cheek respectively.

‘I figured as much, you’ve been mia all day & I thought I’d grab your favourite and we could talk about it yeah? What do ya say doll?’

He’s soft in his delivery, eyes focused on your every expression and head leaning down to look you directly in the eye.

It makes his own mind spin momentarily before he reminds himself to focus on you and what you need right now.

You almost protest. Nearly thank him for being thoughtful but ask to reschedule in order to wallow in your own pity for the night.

But then you let yourself indulge, feel Jeff’s familiar warmth surrounding you after not seeing him since last week, texts and face time calls not nearly enough to appease your heart.

Giving in feels cathartic. Jeff knows it too, as soon as your head falls against his hard chest, this time intentionally, and you wrap your smaller arms around his waist in a needed hug.

The two of you stay that way for a while, minutes going by with you wrapped up tightly in his warmth, the stresses of your day slowly melting away.

Jeff himself finds his own eyes closing, taking a deep breath to truly appreciate having you this close, it only happens once in a while.

The comfort of it, familiarity in the way you find such solace in each other, no matter how busy you both become, how hard your week has been or how life gets in the way sometimes, you always have this: each other to hold tight.

His heart syncs with your own, thudding against your rib cage and softly against his own through his sweater. It feels so right, so easy to let the words slip past his mouth when you furrow deeper into his embrace, nose inhaling his familiar scent that’s just so Jeff it hurts.

The ‘I love you, so much darling’ feels equal parts euphoric and terrifying as he whispers his confession into your hairline.

You pause, all movement ceased as your mine catches up to his words.

Spoken so eloquently in the hallway as your food gets called in the bag by both your feet.

When you try to pull away, only far enough to see him again, Jeff’s initial response is to try and keep you in his arms.

The laugh and half playful huff of his name which leaves your mouth makes the man cave and finally let you move away.

‘You mean?-‘ ‘that I’m in love with my best friend? Yeah...kinda’ he interrupts your gentle prodding, breath picking up as your pretty eyes only stare at him in silent wonder.

He wants you to look at him like that all the time. ‘What - I, When?’ You finally stutter out, heart leaping in your chest at the way his right hand subconsciously reaches to nervously play with the hair at the back of his hair.

Jeff almost asks you two to continue this inside, his brain firing a quick reminder that staying put makes his escape route much easier if it all goes south.

He’s already done it now: said the words that have plagued his mind for months.

He doesn’t regret them, feels somewhat lighter despite your lack or response mirroring the daydreams in which he’s taken to building up this pretty little life the two of you could have.

He laughs nervously, ‘When? I mean, properly? since December I guess. If you want the exact moment then I can’t give you that- I think I’ve been in love with you since that time you met my mom and helped her make breakfast and you made my dad laugh so hard he got hiccups. Or maybe when you called in sick to go to the vets with me when Nerf found my chocolate stash or-‘

Jeff doesn’t get to finish that thought. To continue his endless list of reasons you’re the first thing on his mind in the morning and the last person he thinks about before bed as he finds you in his dreams soon after that.

You’ve heard enough, throat closing up as your best friend admits he’s loved you for almost 10 months now, perhaps longer if half of his recollections are anything to go by.

Your lips are on his before you even think it through, a natural instinct to the sweet words that drip off his tongue.

Jeff falls into it within seconds, eyes bulging open before he realises you’re kissing him and he finally closes them before reciprocating the soft touch as his hand wrap around your waist and pull you in tight.

Once you run out of breath and have to pull away, his lips chase your own before your giggling make him smile and take in the sight of you staring up at him like he’s brighter than every star in the sky.

‘I take it you-‘

‘I love you too’ you confess, promise to tell him every instance that’s made your heart leap in your chest once you two get inside and cuddle on the couch with the somehow still warm food in your laps.

[buckywiththegoodhair86]

1 and 5 for the fic ask meme!

Okay!

1: Is writing cathartic or stressful for you? Writing is cathartic for me. It probably started as a time-filler, because I have very little to do in the evenings. (Even pre-pandemic, I didn't go out much after getting home.) Ten years later, it's kind of become part of my routine. It helps me wind down in the evenings. I'll have dinner, take a shower, and then spend an hour or so on whatever WIP is taking up the most real estate in my brain. Even if I'm at a sticky spot in a story, I still find it relaxing to just sit down and write for a little while.

5: Share a snippet that you’re proud of from an upcoming fic/chapter. Ooh, okay. Since I recall you expressing some excitement over my Doctor Who Steggy AU, here is a snippet from that one that I quite like the dialogue in. (Time Lord Skinny Steve, Companion Peggy, and Captain Jack Harkness as played by Bucky Barnes.)

They stepped out of the ship. Peggy felt no less excited at stepping on her second alien planet than she did her first. They walked out of the ship onto a stone platform. They appeared to be halfway up a set of stairs leading to a grand-looking building with several columns and a large dome on top. At the bottom of the stairs was a city square, though it appeared to be deserted. Peggy thought that was odd, especially as it still appeared to be day time, if a bit overcast.

“Well, I’d say this is mysterious,” Steve said, looking around. “Where is everyone?”

“That’s what I thought you could help me figure out,” said a voice from behind them, making Peggy jump. They turned around to see a man coming down the steps from the entrance of the building. He grinned broadly and gave them a casual salute. “Hiya, Captain.”

Steve smiled. “Hey, Bucky.”

The man—Bucky, evidently—came to a stop in front of them. He was head and shoulders taller than Steve, with dark hair and steel blue eyes. His hair was swept back in a way that managed to look wind-swept and yet meticulously coiffed at the same time, and he was wearing fitted black pants that tucked into black boots with silver buckles, and a grey shirt underneath a black leather jacket. The whole effect was a bit roguish and rather dashing, especially when he gave Peggy a charming smile and reached out with a gloved hand, taking her fingers and lightly kissing the backs of them before letting go. “Sergeant James Barnes,” he said warmly. “And you are?”

“Private Peggy Carter,” she said, smiling back.

“Nice to meet you, Private Peggy Carter,” he said, his smile growing wider.

Steve let out a put-upon sigh. “Must you flirt with everyone you meet?”

He turned and shot a teasing grin at Steve. “Feeling left out, Captain?”

Steve rolled his eyes, but there was a slight smile there that told Peggy this was an old song and dance. “Peggy, this is Bucky. He’s a Time Agent with a knack for getting into trouble.”

“Hey!” Bucky protested. “You say that like I’m the cause of the trouble. That’s only true, like, maybe fifty percent of the time.”

“At least seventy,” Steve countered.

[neeterloveschenford]

Today I was feeling drained, so I decided to take a little time to escape to my favorite world, Roswell New Mexico. I watched the last three episodes of season 2. I had some feelings that I wanted to share. I know these things have been talked to death over the last few months, but I need to discuss things so my brain has something to dwell on that's not stressful. So let's start with feral Michael. God, it was glorious! The fact that he can express how much he loves Alex to Jesse and Flint blew my mind. He spent an entire year running from those feelings, but put Alex in danger and it all comes crashing back. His only focus was finding Alex. He would have done anything to save him. And when he talked about kids and a dad band? My heart felt like it was going to explode with happiness. Then we have his little "It's complicated" comment to Charlie. Like, you ain't lying there. There is such a complexity to their relationship. I honestly think that if they were to never get back together, they would always be in each other's lives. And not just because of the alien connection. They're a part of each other. And then there was Michael's relief at finally seeing Alex. He literally threw himself at him when they were reunited. I just love the way he kind of breathed in Alex when they were hugging. Later we see them at Crashcon, and Greg declaring that he knows what Michael means to Alex. (Why do we only get these declarations from Maneses?) Then we have the M!luca breakup. This was probably the best example of what I think CAM was trying to convey with the whole no one is the bad guy take on the triangle. Maria wasn't angry that Michael's actions proved his cosmic connection to Alex. She was just finally ready to deal with the giant elephant in the room named Malex. The boys destroying the shed, the place of their shared trauma, was so cathartic. Then reading about Tripp and Nora's cosmic connection together just made me tear up. And then, there was the song. Yes, it was a love song about Michael. But for Alex it was so much more. Him declaring his love for another man was him giving a final screw you to Jesse. And as much as he is criticized for leaving, Michael knew he wasn't ready to be good for Alex yet. I think season 3 will have a complete role reversal. Just like Alex constantly showed up for Michael last season, Michael will be the one to show up for Alex. And when we finally, finally, get to that even ground where they are both ready.........man it's going to be so so good!

[mr-entj]

Mental Health Wellness Tips for Quarantine

Sharing a piece a clinical psychologist in my network published.

______________

After having thirty-one sessions this week with patients where the singular focus was COVID-19 and how to cope, I decided to consolidate my advice and make a list that I hope is helpful to all. I can't control a lot of what is going on right now, but I can contribute this.

Edit: I am surprised and heartened that this has been shared so widely! People have asked me to credential myself, so to that end, I am a doctoral level Psychologist in NYS with a Psy.D. in the specialities of School and Clinical Psychology.

1. Stick to a routine. Go to sleep and wake up at a reasonable time, write a schedule that is varied and includes time for work as well as self-care.

2. Dress for the social life you want, not the social life you have. Get showered and dressed in comfortable clothes, wash your face, brush your teeth. Take the time to do a bath or a facial. Put on some bright colors. It is amazing how our dress can impact our mood.

3. Get out at least once a day, for at least thirty minutes. If you are concerned of contact, try first thing in the morning, or later in the evening, and try less traveled streets and avenues. If you are high risk or living with those who are high risk, open the windows and blast the fan. It is amazing how much fresh air can do for spirits.

4. Find some time to move each day, again daily for at least thirty minutes. If you don’t feel comfortable going outside, there are many YouTube videos that offer free movement classes, and if all else fails, turn on the music and have a dance party!

5. Reach out to others, you guessed it, at least once daily for thirty minutes. Try to do FaceTime, Skype, phone calls, texting—connect with other people to seek and provide support. Don’t forget to do this for your children as well. Set up virtual playdates with friends daily via FaceTime, Facebook Messenger Kids, Zoom, etc—your kids miss their friends, too!

6. Stay hydrated and eat well. This one may seem obvious, but stress and eating often don’t mix well, and we find ourselves over-indulging, forgetting to eat, and avoiding food. Drink plenty of water, eat some good and nutritious foods, and challenge yourself to learn how to cook something new!

7. Develop a self-care toolkit. This can look different for everyone. A lot of successful self-care strategies involve a sensory component (seven senses: touch, taste, sight, hearing, smell, vestibular (movement) and proprioceptive (comforting pressure). An idea for each: a soft blanket or stuffed animal, a hot chocolate, photos of vacations, comforting music, lavender or eucalyptus oil, a small swing or rocking chair, a weighted blanket. A journal, an inspirational book, or a mandala coloring book is wonderful, bubbles to blow or blowing watercolor on paper through a straw are visually appealing as well as work on controlled breath. Mint gum, Listerine strips, ginger ale, frozen Starburst, ice packs, and cold are also good for anxiety regulation. For children, it is great to help them create a self-regulation comfort box (often a shoe-box or bin they can decorate) that they can use on the ready for first-aid when overwhelmed.

8. Spend extra time playing with children. Children will rarely communicate how they are feeling, but will often make a bid for attention and communication through play. Don’t be surprised to see therapeutic themes of illness, doctor visits, and isolation play through. Understand that play is cathartic and helpful for children—it is how they process their world and problem solve, and there’s a lot they are seeing and experiencing in the now.

9. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and a wide berth. A lot of cooped up time can bring out the worst in everyone. Each person will have moments when they will not be at their best. It is important to move with grace through blowups, to not show up to every argument you are invited to, and to not hold grudges and continue disagreements. Everyone is doing the best they can to make it through this.

10. Everyone find their own retreat space. Space is at a premium, particularly with city living. It is important that people think through their own separate space for work and for relaxation. For children, help them identify a place where they can go to retreat when stressed. You can make this place cozy by using blankets, pillows, cushions, scarves, beanbags, tents, and “forts”. It is good to know that even when we are on top of each other, we have our own special place to go to be alone.

11. Expect behavioral issues in children, and respond gently. We are all struggling with disruption in routine, none more than children, who rely on routines constructed by others to make them feel safe and to know what comes next. Expect increased anxiety, worries and fears, nightmares, difficulty separating or sleeping, testing limits, and meltdowns. Do not introduce major behavioral plans or consequences at this time—hold stable and focus on emotional connection.

12. Focus on safety and attachment. We are going to be living for a bit with the unprecedented demand of meeting all work deadlines, homeschooling children, running a sterile household, and making a whole lot of entertainment in confinement. We can get wrapped up in meeting expectations in all domains, but we must remember that these are scary and unpredictable times for children. Focus on strengthening the connection through time spent following their lead, through physical touch, through play, through therapeutic books, and via verbal reassurances that you will be there for them in this time.

13. Lower expectations and practice radical self-acceptance. This idea is connected with #12. We are doing too many things in this moment, under fear and stress. This does not make a formula for excellence. Instead, give yourself what psychologists call “radical self acceptance”: accepting everything about yourself, your current situation, and your life without question, blame, or pushback. You cannot fail at this—there is no roadmap, no precedent for this, and we are all truly doing the best we can in an impossible situation.

14. Limit social media and COVID conversation, especially around children. One can find tons of information on COVID-19 to consume, and it changes minute to minute. The information is often sensationalized, negatively skewed, and alarmist. Find a few trusted sources that you can check in with consistently, limit it to a few times a day, and set a time limit for yourself on how much you consume (again 30 minutes tops, 2-3 times daily). Keep news and alarming conversations out of earshot from children—they see and hear everything, and can become very frightened by what they hear.

15. Notice the good in the world, the helpers. There is a lot of scary, negative, and overwhelming information to take in regarding this pandemic. There are also a ton of stories of people sacrificing, donating, and supporting one another in miraculous ways. It is important to counter-balance the heavy information with the hopeful information.

16. Help others. Find ways, big and small, to give back to others. Support restaurants, offer to grocery shop, check in with elderly neighbors, write psychological wellness tips for others—helping others gives us a sense of agency when things seem out of control.

17. Find something you can control, and control the heck out of it. In moments of big uncertainty and overwhelm, control your little corner of the world. Organize your bookshelf, purge your closet, put together that furniture, group your toys. It helps to anchor and ground us when the bigger things are chaotic.

18. Find a long-term project to dive into. Now is the time to learn how to play the keyboard, put together a huge jigsaw puzzle, start a 15 hour game of Risk, paint a picture, read the Harry Potter series, binge watch an 8-season show, crochet a blanket, solve a Rubix cube, or develop a new town in Animal Crossing. Find something that will keep you busy, distracted, and engaged to take breaks from what is going on in the outside world.

19. Engage in repetitive movements and left-right movements. Research has shown that repetitive movement (knitting, coloring, painting, clay sculpting, jump roping etc) especially left-right movement (running, drumming, skating, hopping) can be effective at self-soothing and maintaining self-regulation in moments of distress.

20. Find an expressive art and go for it. Our emotional brain is very receptive to the creative arts, and it is a direct portal for release of feeling. Find something that is creative (sculpting, drawing, dancing, music, singing, playing) and give it your all. See how relieved you can feel. It is a very effective way of helping kids to emote and communicate as well!

21. Find lightness and humor in each day. There is a lot to be worried about, and with good reason. Counterbalance this heaviness with something funny each day: cat videos on YouTube, a stand-up show on Netflix, a funny movie—we all need a little comedic relief in our day, every day.

22. Reach out for help—your team is there for you. If you have a therapist or psychiatrist, they are available to you, even at a distance. Keep up your medications and your therapy sessions the best you can. If you are having difficulty coping, seek out help for the first time. There are mental health people on the ready to help you through this crisis. Your children’s teachers and related service providers will do anything within their power to help, especially for those parents tasked with the difficult task of being a whole treatment team to their child with special challenges. Seek support groups of fellow home-schoolers, parents, and neighbors to feel connected. There is help and support out there, any time of the day—although we are physically distant, we can always connect virtually.

23. “Chunk” your quarantine, take it moment by moment. We have no road map for this. We don’t know what this will look like in 1 day, 1 week, or 1 month from now. Often, when I work with patients who have anxiety around overwhelming issues, I suggest that they engage in a strategy called “chunking”—focusing on whatever bite-sized piece of a challenge that feels manageable. Whether that be 5 minutes, a day, or a week at a time—find what feels doable for you, and set a time stamp for how far ahead in the future you will let yourself worry. Take each chunk one at a time, and move through stress in pieces.

24. Remind yourself daily that this is temporary. It seems in the midst of this quarantine that it will never end. It is terrifying to think of the road stretching ahead of us. Please take time to remind yourself that although this is very scary and difficult, and will go on for an undetermined amount of time, it is a season of life and it will pass. We will return to feeing free, safe, busy, and connected in the days ahead.

25. Find the lesson. This whole crisis can seem sad, senseless, and at times, avoidable. When psychologists work with trauma, a key feature to helping someone work through said trauma is to help them find their agency, the potential positive outcomes they can effect, the meaning and construction that can come out of destruction. What can each of us learn here, in big and small ways, from this crisis? What needs to change in ourselves, our homes, our communities, our nation, and our world?

(x)

[infinitetab]

Musings on BTS & Mixtapes

I remember briefly going through twt and seeing some fans fight about supporting/gushing about a single member’s mixtape vs all members getting a mixtape (some posts got ugly and I left to go peruse other tags, so if someone would like to expand on the discourse/I got it wrong, I’m all ears). And then I read romanticdrift’s post and wanted to expand on my personal thoughts about mixtapes being made by the members.

Mixtapes are a personal, intimate project that’s chosen as the form some BTS members (and other artists in general) express and sort out feelings, emotions, and memories.

(To be honest, before BTS I thought of mixtapes as a “CD/tape that someone puts together (sometimes for themselves, sometimes for others) to convey a single emotion or feeling”. While we’re on the topic, if you want a vmin fanfic rec, please read nonheather’s mudlands & yellow acacia -- the imagery is so very pretty and soft, the plot heartwarming and introspective)

Mixtapes (specifically for BTS) are absolutely a personal project. The members are already working around the clock and have an insane schedule -- to go out of your way and make time to work on something? And it being multiple “something”s (songs) that you’re working on spanning months, maybe even years? The motivation and sheer want to put it all down is awe-inspiring in itself. And no member (or artist) should be shamed when they express their wanting to craft one/wanting to release one, and the widespread recognition after the release is deserving.

What is incredibly personal about mixtapes is the content they hold. The songs within are the result of the artist trying to put into words and beats these emotions and feelings they have. Memories they want to make permanent, strings of thoughts being turned into carefully picked out words. You’re throwing your heart out there and then using your mind to choose how to best express the intangible feelings you have. And then for the members to actually willingly share it with us, to let us listen and be privy to a glimpse of what they’re thinking and feeling? I tear up sometimes.

Also another thing -- mixtapes take a lot of effort and work. Writing/producing/composing a song from an idea you have? One of those things alone can take months. And then doing not just 1 but all? For a plethora of songs you’re putting on a mixtape? AND doing it around a busy schedule that you have to find personal time to work on it? ...sometimes (all the times) I’m blown away by it all. Again, it’s a personal project -- I’m sure they get burned out. Maybe some days they don’t even want to think about it. It doesn’t mean they aren’t serious about it anymore -- they just need to take some time away from something that was supposed to be cathartic before they start hating it or it causing them stress when it was supposed to be the opposite.

Which is why I’m personally fine whenever these mixtapes come out. Again, the members are choosing to share them with us -- it’s cruel to start badgering them about, “when is ___ going to come out??” because not only are they not obligated to make and then share them with us, but also because it’s piling more stress on them. It’s different from a studio album -- this is their inner thoughts going out for the world to see and judge (the latter unwarranted because who are you to judge something so personal)(I have feelings about how things like art and songs are graded and judged but that’s a different rant).

(Also, keep in mind the confirmation that BE had at least 2 songs on there that were originally supposed to be on their personal mixtapes (JK-Stay, TH-Blue&Grey). Also that “Your Eyes Tell” was also supposed to be on JK’s mixtape. There are holes now that maybe they have to re-think. Personally if I was JK I’d space out and wonder, “Hum...do I need to make something else now?”)

But, and here’s the thing, mixtapes are only one form, one outlet for the personal things the members are going through.

Out of the group, NJ and YG are the two members to have released more than one mixtape (and if someone would like to gush with me just the evolution? or difference/similarities from RM-->Mono and Agust D-->D-2? Please, I have so many feelings), so I think it’s safe to say that song-writing/producing/composing is a method they find helps them the most in working out their inner thoughts (they’re also the ones who’ve expressed and pursued this the longest).

But that’s only one way to work it out. Maybe people work out their thoughts by having a private conversation with a close friend/confidant. Maybe people work it out by writing in a journal, a blog. Maybe people work it out by researching and trying to find answers, meeting similar-minded people along the way. Maybe they pour it out into their responsibilities at the time, having it be fuel but also sit on the back burner. The point is that there are multiple ways one works out their thoughts, and some (if not most) are very private methods that don’t go beyond people they trust. That should be respected.

That isn’t to say the method one chooses to express themselves can’t change.

I’d argue that out of the members, SJ, HS, and JM are the most private. All the members are private and have personal moments they don’t share (which is okay and valid and they owe us nothing), but the three above are very close-lipped to us as fans (I personally think they have “professional/work/what I show to the public” vs “casual/off-camera/what I show to close friends and family” distinctions very clear in their minds compared to the others). Their method of sorting through things probably reflects this.

We are seeing them try out other methods though to sort things out, specifically song-writing (the last months of 2020 alone with “Abyss” and “Christmas Love”). Maybe they’ll find this a cathartic method and will pursue again. Maybe they saw it as helpful to work out something specific but don’t see them doing it again. Either way, I think we should be happy that they’ve found ways that helped them get their thoughts out instead of bottling them inside.

This probably got convoluted and scatter-brained along the way and I don’t know if I got everything I wanted to say out, but basically: people have different ways they sort out their inner thinking. If BTS members choose to do this via mixtape, that’s okay. If BTS members choose to do this another way, that’s okay too. 

Would I be happy and excited that HS drops another solo mixtape or that SJ and JM choose to release one? Absolutely. Oh man, what if I was able to have “Tonight” and “Abyss” on spotify I think I’d cry. Would I be fine if they didn’t release any mixtapes in the near future? Of course. Do I think we need to tone down our happiness for TH and JK’s mixtapes? Absolutely not (though we have to be careful about being happy for them vs causing pressure and stress). Will I support whatever the members choose to share with us? Undoubtedly and with my whole heart.

[leo-culture-technology]

I don't really have anything specific in mind, I'm actually kinda lost as to what to look for jkjsksjk I know I identify with some traits, like sensory issues and difficulty communicating (I do have a diagnosis of social phobia, though I've been thinking maybe autism would better explain other aspects of my life beyond social interaction). I've been reading some articles regarding late discovering of autism and mostly looking for experiences, so I can compare to my own. I feel like I should be looking for something else but I don't really know what? lmao I don't think that was really helpful, anything you can share would be good to me

This is a really long post so I'm going to put it under a read more to not clog up other people's feeds but I think the main areas to cover are:

- verbal communication issues

was your vocabulary/reading ever under/over developed as a child? Having a really advanced vocabulary is just as much a sign of autism as having delayed development in this area. Also, having a very hard to pin down accent, or taking on others' accents Really easily is common amongst autistic people. Do you ever have trouble speaking? I experience selective mutism and when I'm overwhelmed/stressed/upset I often find it hard to speak out loud and have to communicate through messages/notes, though when I'm not mute I'm very eloquent and have always had a vocabulary that was advanced, other kids found it hard to talk to me when I was younger bc they couldn't understand me, but equally comprehension/vocabulary can be delayed/compromised and you might find it hard to understand others because you struggle with that sort of thing yourself. Do you have issues with your tone of voice ever? I find that I can't read my own tone of voice or my volume, some things will come out really bitchy-sounding or angry-sounding and I won't be able to tell, or I might be shouting and not know it because it all sounds the same in my head really.

- sensory issues

do you have issues with certain types of sound? volume? quantity? volume doesn't bother me, but too many different sources of noise will send me into a meltdown so fast. Do you struggle with certain smells, bright lights, tastes, textures of food or of clothing, certain sensations, for example I get really stressed out by having wet skin/hair, and I can't stand the sound/feeling of something rubbing over carpet. I also find some tastes to be overwhelming. Under-sensitivity or processing issues can also be a symptom. Do you ever struggle to process reading/listening to something? I have absolutely awful retention for auditory information, I can't hold more than around 4-5 words in my mind at any one time, and I can't follow auditory instructions at all if there's more than one step, it needs to be written down. I also often struggle to read things because I don't process the words and they just look like meaningless letters on a page to me. I also really struggle to process my own thoughts and order them, I'm able to talk out loud but there are times where I can't write my thoughts without speaking them first because ordering my thoughts while they're still inside my head is very difficult. I also have an under-sensitive sense of smell and taste at times. I can't even smell when meat has gone bad and everyone else I know says it really stinks, and like I can't tell the difference between chicken gravy and onion gravy, for example, because they taste almost identical to me. And senses aren't just the basic five, either. Do you have a particularly high OR low pain threshold? interoception is the perception of bodily functions. Do you have trouble identifying/noticing when you're hungry/thirsty or when you need to go to the toilet e.g. you didn't need to go pee a minute ago but now you're Suddenly absolutely bursting to go because you didn't notice it earlier at all. Proprioception is your perception of your movements, balance and of where your limbs are in relation to your surroundings. Do you bump into things or fall over seemingly nothing a lot? Have you ever been told/noticed you move "strangely"? Do you ever walk sort of on your tiptoes or toes-first rather than heels-first?

- social issues

do you have trouble reading body language? facial expressions? figurative language? tone of voice? not every autistic person will experience all of the above, I know people who can't read body language but can read tone of voice, or can't read figurative language but can read facial expressions, etc. etc. Personally I struggle with tone of voice a lot, I can't tell when people are being serious or not, or whether they're upset or not, tone of voice doesn't really tell me anything about how they're feeling of what they mean. Figurative language varies, I understand metaphors and I often understand sarcasm, although I won't get it if it's too deadpan, and I sometimes miss hyperbole and think people are being serious. I also can't tell whether people are teasing me or genuinely being mean the vast majority of the time. I tend to rely on speech patterns and word choice a lot to understand people, personally. I pick up on what sorts of words they use in what moods and use that largely to inform my interpretations of their current mood based on the words they're choosing. Do you ever struggle understanding what is/isn't socially appropriate? I overshare a lot bc I don't rlly understand what is "too much information" and what isn't, and I also don't understand really how to treat people differently based on their "social role", like I treat someone like a friend regardless of whether they're a stranger, a classmate, a friend, a family member, a colleague, a boss, a teacher, etc.

- need for routine/dislike of sudden/significant change

this isn't always as clear as like needing an entire day to be a routine, it can be little things. I'll give some examples: I have to brush my teeth in a specific way - I count the number of passes of the brush over each section of my teeth, I have to eat a sandwich in a specific order of bites, many food places I will order the same thing every/nearly every time and I will eat that order in the same way, I wash my body/hair in a certain way/order in the shower every time, sometimes I get weirdly obsessed with symmetry and I have to walk in a certain way and if I step "wrong" I have to hop around on one leg until I feel "balanced" again, I have to do my daily tasks on genshin impact in a certain order, etc. etc. I could probably think of more if I tried. I will often get distressed/overwhelmed/upset if any of these "routines" are disrupted somehow. My original method of eating a sandwich applied to when they're cut across into rectangles, so I used to hate eating triangle sandwiches because I couldn't eat them "correctly" until I figured out a similar way to eat triangle sandwiches, and now I Have to eat them in that way because it's "correct" and I'll feel uncomfortable otherwise. Note that this isn't like OCD because it's not anxiety-based, it's based on the fact that it feels like the "correct" way to do it, and that any other way is simply "wrong" and you don't like doing it "wrong". The need for routine and dislike of change might also manifest in needing to plan things ahead days in advance, you also might be like me and be very capable of impulsively doing things like going out if You decide to do it, but if someone Else suggests it, then you need the preparation time. - stimming/special interests

stimming can be honestly anything. I tap my foot, I sing, I have a whole folder names "stim games" on my phone, I type, I eat, I chew gum, I flap my arms, I scratch fabrics, I smell blankets/clothing. Stimming just means self-stimulation and is absolutely any repeated action that you find soothing/cathartic in any way. Under here I'm also going to mention samefoods: foods that you feel comfortable eating even when you don't feel comfortable eating anything else. Like if too much flavour/smell/texture feels overwhelming, most autistic people will have food/s that aren't at all stressful to eat and they can default to at those times. Mine is a specific brand of chicken nuggets, I'll often fall back on those when eating anything else feels overwhelming but I need to eat Something, and I can usually handle those when I can't handle other things.

as for special interests, they are anything that you're kind of obsessed with. You can have multiple, they can change over your life, but your interest tends to go much deeper than that of a neurotypical person's and you feel a need to know everything about it and struggle to hold conversations about other topics because it kind of just takes over your brain. when I was younger some of my special interests were final fantasy, anime, hello kitty, languages/linguistics has always been a special interest of mine, kpop is definitely one, astrology is also for sure one. I fall in and out of being obsessed enough with genshin to call it a special interest. I had a friend in highschool whose special interest was the periodic table, for a while they were obsessed with the 8 times table, and then it became dinosaurs. My little brother is autistic and his special interest has always been video games, he's really interested in retro games, he loves Minecraft and Mario too, when he was younger it was ben 10 for a while, there was also a period where all he wanted to do as a kid was rewatch the cars movies. Media likes to portray special interests as being academic but they can truly be absolutely anything. A desire to know absolutely everything about trains or flowers or kpop is just as much a special interest as neurology or maths or physics or smth like that.

Another thing I've just thought of to be noted, is hygiene:

some autistic people might appear to have borderline OCD tendencies where they can't handle dirt/mess and need everything to be tidy/clean all the time. This is definitely one of the stereotypes. But struggling with hygiene is just as much a symptom of autism. If you struggle to remember to shower/wash hands/brush teeth/do laundry/etc. that could well be an autism symptom. I found out I'm sensitive to mint and especially to toothpaste, it makes my mouth feel like it's burning and like I'll actually cry if it touches my tongue bc it hurts that much lmao. I discovered a toothpaste that's unflavoured and doesn't foam up and now I can brush my teeth without pain but for a long time I struggled with consistently brushing teeth bc of that. I also struggle with showering bc of being stressed out by wet hair/skin. Sometimes it's also a memory thing, and I forget to do these things. I also absolutely suck at keeping my room clean, idk why I just Really Can't lmaoooooo

I'm certain there are things I haven't covered, these are mostly pulling from my own experiences of autism from myself and those around me. All of this might apply to you, it might not, but I hope it makes sense and has given you a good starting point of things to examine within yourself and questions to ask yourself <3 I wish you well bub and please always feel free to ask more questions and/or talk to me more about your experiences <3

[oikawa-tuwu]

Linen Closet (gn!Reader x Kiyoko)

Rated G, 1.3k words

Not Home for the Holidays Masterlist

“Are you... crying in a linen closet?”

When you’re a child, crying is a catharsis. Stub your toe, cry a little, get up and keep playing. Pain, physical or emotional, was temporary, and tears were as good of a placebo painkiller as it got. It used to feel so good to cry. Children aren't exactly eloquent creatures when it comes to emotions or injuries, so when worst comes to worst… cry about it and keep going.

Eventually, crying becomes less of a catharsis and more of a guilty pleasure, except with less of the pleasure and more of the guilt. It might feel good in the moment, but, god forbid, you accidentally burden anyone else with your troubles, because, frankly, that would just be embarrassing for both parties, so crying is left for quiet nights in your cold bed or sniffles held back by a thread on your way home or, in this case, frustrated explosions of emotion in the linen closet of your bed and breakfast.

But we all grow up eventually.

Another shudder wracks your chest, a sob letting loose before you can clamp your mouth shut. You know, from unfortunate experience, just how thin the walls of this old house really are, and the last thing you want is for Maria, your employee, changing sheets next door, to decide to investigate those weird noises.

You try to take a calming breath. In. Out. In. Out. 

It's not so much breathing as it is wheezing, but it's getting oxygen in your lungs, so who are you to complain?

And then you think about it again.

It. Whatever the hell it is.  Money problems, relationship problems, mental health problems, all of the above problems piling on top of each other like a snowstorm until the front door won’t open-

Another whimper, about ten decibels louder than ideal, and you hold your breath and you hear footsteps. Pass, please. Pass this door and move on. Nothing interesting here.

The door opens.

For a second, all you see is a silhouette. About average height, skinny and lithe, like a runner, with dark hair. And then the light adjusts, and you see her face. She’s beautiful, no doubt about it, and with the halo your (slight) lightheadedness from the crying session, the scene is somewhat… holy… in nature.

But she’s frowning, and the worried expression is rather upsetting to see on such a beautiful face.

The woman asks, carefully, “Are you… crying in a linen closet?”

Your mouth, apparently working faster than your brain, asks, "Are you an angel?"

Silence. Well, mostly silence, because your brain is currently screaming.

"That was a weird thing to say. Sorry."

Thankfully, the woman laughs. She laughs, and you melt, firstly glad that she's laughing it off, but also because her laugh is melodic. "Trust me, that's not the first time I've heard that one. But... uh," she hesitates, looking you over, and you remember that five seconds you were bawling your eyes out. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," you say, and brush away the last of your tears. Thankfully, seeing her was enough of a shock to stop them for now, but you have a feeling you haven't seen the last of them today. "Sorry, I didn't mean to make you worry. After all, I'm sure you didn't expect to spend your vacation dealing with an overly emotional host."

"You'd be surprised," the woman says, with a soft smile that speaks of a quiet inside joke, possibly, an inside joke for her alone. "Let's just say I've been in a somewhat similar situation before. My best friend used to have pretty bad anxiety. Actually, she's the one that checked us in yesterday, Yachi Hitoka?"

The name rings a bell. "Short, blonde, blushes a lot?"

"That's her."

Ah. You were wondering when you'd get to see the second of Yachi’s party, since she requested a room with two single beds. And here she was right in front of you. An angel on earth.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

An angel.

"No, thanks. It's sweet of you to offer, but..."

But you don't even know why you're crying.  It could be any number of things. Being (relatively) alone during the holidays, stress from your job, or just plain sadness and loneliness. Missing family, missing friends, wanting hot chocolate but knowing full well you ran out a week ago and haven't restocked yet. It could be any and all of those reasons and isolating a single culprit is nearly impossible.

“It’s just a lot,” you end up saying. “The holidays. Everyone likes to talk about the good parts, the food, the celebration, the presents… that you end up forgetting the bad parts too. Until they’re staring straight at you.”

No one likes to mention that your room feels colder in the winter without someone else there to warm it. No one likes to mention that your house feels emptier without the laughter and conversation of kin.  No one likes to mention the stress of throwing together a holiday dinner or coming up with the perfect gift idea or looking at your bank account and realizing you might need to rethink some things.

And there it comes again, that wave, and you blink, blink, blink, praying the tide will recede until the next time you get the chance to be alone. A cocktail of anxiety and guilt and salt slowly rising, rising, rising. This woman shouldn’t have to see you like this, you don’t even know each other, and honestly, it's a little unfair to burden one of your guests with your emotional problems and-

“You’re spiralling again, aren’t you?” The woman asks, in that soft voice of hers, and you wonder when you got so transparent that a literal stranger can tell when you’re close to breaking.

The dam cracks, and the tears start to fall again. “I’m sorry,” you manage to get out. “I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have to deal with this-”

Instead of saying anything, agreeing or disagreeing, the woman drops to her knees, crouching down next to where you’re sitting on the bucket. She looks up at you, her hand holding yours, and says, very softly, “Stop apologizing.”

Amazingly, you do. You close your mouth and let the tears flow, with the woman still there, offering hand squeezes and quiet company through your mental breakdown.

It’s… nicer than you expect it to be, just having someone there. She doesn’t say anything else, but you know she’s there to talk it out if you really needed to. For now, she’s willing to sit there and listen to your woes and remind you that there’s someone out there that does care when you’re struggling.

So you cry. You cry and the guilt and frustration slowly lessens and all that’s left of the broken dam is an empty reservoir.

It's… cathartic.

With her sweater sleeve, the woman wipes your cheeks dry. “Better?”

“Better,” you agree, and your mouth forms the first syllable of I’m sorry, before the woman gives you a look. “Thank you. For being here with me. I do have to say though, I would have liked meeting under different circumstances. I don’t think I look incredibly attractive mid-breakdown.”

The woman shrugs, and you see a little faint dusting of blush on her cheeks as she stands, offering a hand to help you off the bucket. “I think you might be surprised.”

You smile. You take her hand, and let her haul you to your feet.

“The name’s Kiyoko, by the way.”

“Y/n.”

“Well, Y/n,” Kiyoko says, that flush still on the tips of her cheekbones as she averts her gaze, a little self-consciously. “How about the next time you need a break, you come knock on my room door and we can go out and do something to take your mind off it?”

“I’d like that.”

Ngl, I had trouble writing this one because I wasn't sure if it would be relatable enough? But I figured of all years to talk about the worst parts of the holiday season, it was this one because oh lord do the holidays remind us that covid-19 sucks butt. Anyways, this is your reminder that you're allowed to feel sad right now. You might be separated from your friends and family or maybe you had to be laid off and money is tight, or maybe you just miss the way things used to be where we could go out and do things. Maybe the holidays just aren't for you, and the negative emotions weigh out the positive ones every year. All those feelings are valid, and take this as a sign to reach out to someone if you need to. My dms are always open if you need someone to talk to <3