#some bits of reflection i wanted to have for myself
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Daniil why would you say that???
Watching Pathologic (classic HD) while on break from suffering in Pathologic 2, and it really struck me how different the first meeting with the Bachelor was in each game.
Pathologic 1, well, only a screenshot can do it justice,
(Yes . . . far be it from me to call myself a person of mystical inclinations. However, when I look at you, I get the feeling that nature is playing jokes on us. It is as if both the left and right hand have clutched the head to realize for the first time they are two parts of a single whole.
>Why?
>I get that feeling too. Does that mean that we are alike?)
That's like the first thing he says to the Haruspex, and while yeah everybody in Pathologic talks like that to a degree, even in game, in character that's a wild thing for Dankovsky specifically to say.
We just spent an entire playthrough as this guy mocking and/or having breakdowns over the existence of the supernatural - especially precognition. And in strolls this 6'2 resting murder-face dude with half-a-medical degree, widely thought to be a serial killer (kinda true), and Dankovsky's like,
"BTW, my heart is telling me we're kinda two halves of the same whole.😊❤️"
Absolutely hilarious. Even funnier is that the Haruspex, grumpy at baseline and currently having the worst day of his life (so far), can agree with him. Great first impression all around!
Then over in Pathologic 2, the Bachelor is high-key fumbling, like fumbling so hard you can get an achievement for it.
Carpetbagger - Remind a colleague of the Hippocratic Oath -- and fail
Not to meme on the guy (who is of course, multi-faceted and at his core deeply altruistic even if he often seems to have trouble expressing that on an individual basis), but initial Pathologic 2 Bachelorencounter is Daniel at his most prickly prick.
He gets Artemy's name wrong (possibly on purpose and definitely twice),
condescendingly demands the Haruspex be his errand boy,
basically calls himself the smartest person in a room of 2,
and can accidentally imply that he left a couple of orphan children to die because he doesn't treat mutts (he actually refused to treat the orphans' dogs).
Yikes - no wonder Artmey spends the first couple of Days taking cheap shots at the guy.
I mean in both Haruspex routes eventually he ends up very friendly with the Bachelor, which makes senses on a thematic level given the some of the Haruspex's major themes/ideals are connection and community. You could say their first meeting was changed to be funnier ("Vorakh") or more in character for the expected tension between two people under a lot of stress who can both be difficult to get along with at baseline
However, what about if we look at it from a meta-narrative level?
While you can play Pathologic 1 as either the Bachelor or the Haruspex on your initial run, it's pretty common knowledge who you are supposed to play first.
"Daniil Danokovsky's Fun Steppe Vacation was just the tutorial for Artemy Burakh's Tormentous Nightmare" - HBomberguy in Pathologic is Genius and Here's Why
This means that the player in Pathologic 1 has already been introduced to Daniil - even if Artmey hasn't - and the game reflects that! You the player know the Bachelor, you've been him, and you probably got really attached after keeping him alive for 12 horrible, horrible days.
Even though you know he can be a bit sanctimonious and dismissive, the player knows he's rational and compassionate and thus already used the evidence at hand to figure out Artemy hasn't killed anybody!
Of course one of the first things you (the player) would want to do as the new protagonist is check on your former avatar, and the game rewards you for it! Talking with the Bachelor on Day 1 as Artemy can raise your reputation - which is super critical. It might be the increase that keeps you from getting hunted in the streets or starving as shops refuse to sell food. What a great first (Second?) impression!!
Daniil's unprompted "hey are we soulmates or is it just me?" line is funny, but meta-narratively it is also true. They are the player's first two avatars, taking turns being puppeted by the same you as protagonists through the same overall story to two opposing conclusions. They are (your) right and left hand. You've played Dankovsky, (you) know this and having previously been the protagonist this new Dankovsky seems to subliminally know this too.
Meanwhile over in Pathologic 2, the only route is the Haruspex - disregarding the Marble Nest (worst day of Dankovsky's life [so far, ad infintuum]) which has enough time fuckery going on that I shall disregard it for this analysis - you can only be Artemy Burakh.
Either under the assumption that the player of Pathologic 2 hasn't played Pathologic 1 or that they've played all of Pathologic 1 including Changeling' Route's extended murder hide and seek between Dankovsky and Burakh, We (the player and Artemy) don't know Daniil when we meet him in Pathologic 2 as anything but the broken man we saw in the depressing into.
Is he our friend this time? Is he our enemy? Whatever he is, he's certainly a sanctimonious prick.
(Today's tragedy won't be the last. I was blessed with a naturally high intelligence, and my observations indicate that a very deadly visitor has come to this god-forsaken town. That's all I can say for now.
>...I don't like you, Bachelor Whatever.)
In Pathologic 2, both the player and Artmey meet Daniil Dankovsky at at his worst, and slowly work-up from there because both of us are meeting, getting to know, and building a relationship with him for the first time.
This is actually parallel to how you first meet the Haruspex in Pathologic 1 as the Bachelor!
If you are playing in the intended order, both the player and Daniil don't know anything about Artmey besides the serial killer rumors, and likewise you meet him at his worst - (in prison and later he murders a young woman to get Daniil the infected heart he needs to try and develop a vaccine). Much like we see the worst of Daniil's classism, arrogance, and inability to connect beyond quid pro quo (hehe, latin) in our Patho2 intro; in Patho1 we initially only see Artemy's standoffishness, brutality, and stubbornness.
Interestingly, following Daniil's themes/ideals of transcendence and rationality we (the player and Daniil) don't actually end up connecting much with Artmey on the Bachelor's route. The player is influenced by the puppet, and why would Dr. Daniil Dankovsky - whose route is plagued by betrayal, manipulation, and the difficulty of connecting to even people who do selflessly care for him (like Eva) - make friends with a violent, possibly dangerous guy who practices a sort of medicine Dankovsky doesn't believe in?
(I couldn't find a good screenshot for this, but mentally insert a picture of Artemy doing a roadside dissection)
Basically if Daniil is the player's protagonist he won't reach out, because in-character why would he?
If Artemy is the player's protagonist, Daniil will try to be friends in Patho1 (because of the player's previous actions affecting both avatars) or in Patho2 Artmey will eventually connect with him because that's in-character for him.
Overall, I suppose this means that Danii's instant and uncharacteristic buddy-buddy attitude with Artemy on the Haruspex route Patho1 is completely justified from a meta-textually narrative, as is his horrific fumbling in Patho2.
And it is also very, very funny.
#Pathologic#Pathologic 2#daniil dankovsky#artemy burakh#TLDR: You (the player) are making your former favorite and current favorite doll bestest friends#No idea what any of this implies for the changeling's route#this isn't really a shipping post but u could take it that way#long post#pathologic spoilers
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so, finally deciding to share this with more people- (how long has this post waited in drafts? for a while fof sure-)
Monster4 be upon ye or smth nxhcjcjyd
yes, another AU-
basicaly, the idea is simple..
what if during IGBP the demonic keyboard not only posessed 4, but also corrupted his physical form?
(hchfgg gotta love how i basicaly kinda gave him the Rot, from Rain World-)
(i still haven't figured out how to draw leggies shaped like that, forgive me-)
have some hug art!
also i guess it (the art) partially inspired me to write a fic bit heh
(tags to give this ficlet? content warnings?: hurt/comfort, mentions of body horror? i'm not sure if it's a fitting tag [please let me now if it is or not], smg34, slightly suggestive if you squint i guess, brief thinking about eating someone)
***
How long it has been since the It's Gotta Be Perfect incident?
Weeks? Days? Months??
Four didn't bother to count.
All that time blurred into one thing anyways, a period of constant guilt and shame.
He couldn't even look at his reflection anymore.
He was a monster.
Literally.
That cursed keyboard not only took control over him back then, its powers managed to corrupt his physical form.
And it did not fade away, not even after the castle went down.
It hurt like a bitch when his legs deformed, thick tentacles sprouted from his back..
The claws were the least of his concern, unlike those strange cysts with "x"s on their surface.
They invaded most of the left half of his face, he also found out some have grown at the tip of his tail, and on his back..
Not to mention what happened to his-
No, he doesn't want to think about THAT.
The corrupted guardian had isolated himself from everyone, afraid of seeing them look at him in disgust (at least he imagined they would, and he wouldn't blame them..)
A loud growl snapped the youtuber from his thoughts.
He was so hungry.
He was ashamed to admit that his appetite could now rival Mario's(!)
Suddently his good ear registered the sound of approaching footsteps.
Four turned around to see his ex-enemy, partner.. Three.
Oh how nice and plump the guardian in purple looked, imagine just how delicious he'd taste-
WHAT THE-
Smg4 was terrified by himself, how could he have such a thought about his friend?! How disgusting of him..!
The guardian in blue quickly moved away, not wanting to risk him giving in to those thoughts.
His stomach hurt, and he began to feel nauseous.
Three stepped forward to get closer to the other man.
"What's going on dumbass? And don't pretend everything's fine, can't fool our cosmic link." the streamer said, avoiding eye contact. "Not like I care or anything! I just don't want the crew to constantly bother me over this!" a noticable blush formed on his cheeks in the typical Tsundere fashion.
Before Four could reply he got hit with another wave of nausea. Three either noticed or felt that, as it caused him to look back at his partner. "Dude, did you eat some weird mushrooms or something? You look like you're about to puke your guts out-"
The smg in blue chuckled weakly. "Nah, can't get sick from some bad food if you haven't eaten anything to begin with" he attempted to turn this whole situation into a joke. That's what he used to be good at, right? Making people laugh at dumb humor?
Smg3's eyes widen in shock, certainly not finding that amusing at all.
"Four, when was the last time you ate anything..?" He asked, fearing the answer.
The corrupted guardian gulped nervously. "Last time..? I think it was when I locked myself in my room.."
Three sighed in dissapointment, pinching the bridge of his nose, his tail swishing in annoyance.
"Of course... Alright scrub, wait here, I'm getting you some proper meal. And I won't take 'no' for an answer!"
Four only nodded lightly, he didn't plan on leaving anyways.
And so he waited, scrolling through his phone in the meantime.
After a solid while the guardian in purple returned, carrying big bags of food.
Smg4 watched as his partner took all the contents out, setting them down so Four would't have to dig through the bags.
The guardian in blue and white rushed towards the food, soon devouring it like a starving animal. However he did notice Three looking at him with a certain kind of hunger in his eyes.
But it was a brief moment, as Smg3 quickly turned away from him once he saw Four's gaze and picking up a burger for himself.
Once satiated the youtuber sighed in content, laying on his side (as he found it uncomfortable to lay on his back now, due to the tentacles).
Ohh it felt great to have a full stomach like that.
"Four, I.." Three started.
The streamer sat down not far away from his partner. "Look, I know how it feels like to have your body corrupted, mashed with whatever eldrich shit that keybo-" he was suddently cut of by the guardian in blue.
"BUT THIS IS DIFFRENT! YOU ACTUALLY GOT YOUR NORMAL BODY BACK! Meanwhile I'M stuck as this.. abomination!"
Three moved in front of his soulmate, then cupped his right cheek.
"Four, listen to me. I don't find you disgusting in this form, alright?? You're actually kinda hot- WHO SAID THAT-" The guardian in purple quickly covered his mouth to avoid saying more (TOTALLY UNTRUE) things (he DID NOT!) think about 4!
The corrupted guardian looked at him wide-eyed.
"What I MEANT to say is-! It could have been worse! Like, you didn't become a twig or something-" Smg3 attempted to "correct" himself.
Smg4's body tensed up as he felt arms wrap around him, pulling him into a hug.
The feeling of Smg3's warm body touching his brought him a sense of comfort.
"Four, I... Remember what I said? We're friends.. So what if you look diffrent now? It's not like we never got redesigned! So what if you have those kinda goopy.." Three swallowed hard before continuing "Thick tentacles..? So what if you're.. the way you are now.."
The corrupted guardian felt tears form in his eye.
"I'm not leaving your side, whether you like it or not.." Smg3 said with a fond smile on his face. "And that's a threat!~"
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learning abt friendship decay and "not reaching out to your friends for months at a time unprompted is not neurotypical behaviour" has me feeling a certain way
#experiencing some BIG FEELINGS OVER THIS REVELATION#listen i have never ever been bothered abt not seeing someone in a while or making time to talk to them bc in my mind its like not thst muc#time has passed. i mean it with every fibre of my being that when im like 'oh its ok even though we havent talked in a while and have our#own things going on it doesnt mean we're not friends anymore since we left things on a good note 8 months ago' i sincerely believe that#and for the longest time i just thought everybody makes peace with it at some point and not automatically assuming the other person doesnt#wanna talk to me anymore or smth. my longest lasting friendships are with ppl who work the same way i just thouhght that was normal#whatever organ everybody has that makes them reach out to their friends and plan hang outs i probably dont have it#i was already hesitant to ask out Alex bc i spend almost every waking hour doing smth that isnt talking to ppl unless they happen to be in#the vicinity. and at first it was bc i planned on making sure i had everything set up so i dont get stressed out and do it one at a time#but then i find out theres a friendship decay mechanic? and after dating and marrying someone you lose -10 friendship points for every#day u dont talk to them?? actually ive probably been losing friendship points this whole time without knowing bc of this?????#and i notice a lot of my own habits are also reflected in how i play bc ive been avoiding getting close to pierre and marnie since its more#of a professional relationship. like i know theyre npcs but im approaching it the way i would in real life its fucking nuts#i think its a little relieving im playing /as/ a character than myself bc as im playing im just making up little interactions in my head#than approaching things the way i would myself so it takes a bit of the stress off trying to put myself in there as a spectator. but well#being in a relationship demands a certain amount of energy even more so when theyre things that already take up energy on its own#like making time to talk to your partner and make sure they know theyre loved. i dont always have energy to put all my mental focus into it#and this is true for real life so im not really bothered by not dating anyone. but when its a game and i want my character to be with someo#and i know its fully optional and i know i could just apply the same logic to this i dont /want/ to. sometimes i want to experience#the same things other people do at least to a certain degree without the same emotional andmental stakes#no offense krobus#yapping#stardew#stardew valley#puppy plays sdv#sdv#this game has me by the ankles man
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Lookie what I got! The rarest of collector's editions, with only one in existence! (There's an @ symbol in place of a © on the title page.)
(There's only one because I fixed it after I ordered my proof copy.)
Someday this will be very valuable, for sure!
#optimism ftw#why yes I do feel a bit stupid for that rather boneheaded error#but instead of dwelling on that I'd rather think about how much people will surely appreciate it years in the future#my writer friends are very talented you see#and there are some great stories in here#I like to think that someday the anthologies we put together will be looked back on in amazement#because how could so many famous writers have known each other from the start?#it's a nice thought#no idea what the future really holds of course#but I enjoy this possible future#just like I enjoy writing about Narcissus as a vampire who wants a reflection#and the walking-out-of-the-underworld Orpheus & Eurydice story as cyberpunk#there are many other cool things in here#and it comes out soon!#and pre-orders are up!#everywhere but Amazon for some aggravating reason!#clearly they are Too Big To Fail and no one is going to give them a proper kick in the pants for not getting their act together#like they were supposed to weeks ago#here's hoping their page works by launch day at least#we'll see#anyways!#yay I have my proof copy!#and it looks good!#I did the cover myself#my objectivity is shot but I think it turned out nice and professional#Shatterlore#book recs#indie author life#bookblr
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"For a self-proclaimed researcher... I thought you'd know by now that Psychic-types are weak against Ghost." "Morty-ehehe! B-But I'm nohohot a type specialist!" "Maybe should've thought of that first before deciding to wake me up so early."
A spiritual successor to this lil doodle of mine 🫣💖💕
#sacredshipping#morty x eusine#morty/eusine#gym leader morty#morty pokemon#eusine#mystery man eusine#eusine pokemon#pokemon tickle#'tis the season to be giggly or however that song goes askjdasnd//////////////////#pretty much a self-indulgent treat for myself this holiday season SDKJFSNKDFNS it's been real quiet this time 'round#I honestly don't usually look forward to christmas anyways since I have some bad memories tied to it :'D though it has been exceptionally--#--all over the place this year; partly on the busyness and errands being run on my household's side--#--though mainly on my own headspace and how I haven't.............. been great- these past few months#December in particular has been a time of reflection for me and it's just--been a lot - to grapple with#I needed to distance myself from things to try to make sense of myself---and still - I'm not quite sure where to go from here just yet#but I'll figure it out - one day. I finally do have a schedule with that new psychologist so that's something to look forward to#and I'm trying to get my bearings where I am now so--that's at least something to be grateful for I feel ❤️#got a bit sad there so I deserve to draw my sillies being tickly as a gift for myself yes yes akjsdajsknd#I've always wanted to draw a lee!Eusine ever since he's been implanted in my mind graaaaaaAAAHHHHHHHHHH /affectionate#let them be soft and sweet and domestic and silly with each other it's what they deserve 🫵🫵🫵
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Hello! I love your crocodad au! I wanted to ask how do you plan stuff out for comics? Cause you have arcs figured out and whenever I try to plan it ends up as 3 ideas in a hat
this au started as 3 ideas in hat! at first i kind of wrote everything that i came up with, funny stuff and a few specific key moments without much of anything around. then i kind of pad around it, trying to figure out how to get these few moments.
started the au with the just the concept of croc raising luffy and what that could entail to, then thought of robin being there and the betrayal. everything went from there afterwards.
comics are great because you can make them somewhat episodic, im not good at telling 100% linear story, it's much easier to start with something episodic where each comics can be their own thing then slowly brings everything together. put some foreshadowing here, bring back this detail there. that's why the prologue isn't drawn in chronological order. 1) because i hadn't planned the whole thing at first, could draw in whatever order i felt like while i came up with the narrative. 2) because it's more fun to draw the funny part first, the shorter comics and really just putting the general idea of what the setting is like so i can work of that.
for example i decided without thinking that luffy got shot so he could keep a scar next to his eye, but different from the canon one so ppl could tell au and canon luffy apart. then i realized how much that event could influence the rest of story and characters, the themes and all.
what im saying is a few things started without too much thoughts behind them, put them there for fun or for convenience then went back to see how it could impact the story and characters and developed on that. there's a lot of ideas i ended up scratching because it didn't work, weren't actually that interesting or fun to me.
i've got a text file on my laptop and phone where i write anything that comes to mind, never delete any of the abandoned idea because i can always come back to them and take what was really interesting about them, reshape them entirely into something that works better. the notes can be a single sentence that will make no sense in a few weeks or a detailed plan of what a comic or event could be like, detailing each characters feelings and the setting it takes place in.
whenever i get hyped about something that won't happen until forever i go draw it, that way i won't forget about it and everytime i'll look at it i'll get all hyped again to keep working till we get there.
my process is kind of "write shit for kicks and giggles then go back and make it make sense."
#crocau ask#i dont start by thinking 'what are the themes i want to explore' but more 'wouldnt that be fun/angsty?' and themes shows up by themselves#there's recurring themes in the au i have with most of my stories. there's some parts that are vent. sometimes a bit straightforwardly othe#time the reflection of a reflection with a filter added on. the most important thing is to have fun cause if i spend sm time on smth#im bored of/dont like then whats the point! if i pressure myself into doing smth that Has to be good i'll just block myself from doing#anything at all. going about this au with a 'just do it. doesnt matter if its good or coherent just do smth and have fun with it'.
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of course you have white hyphae and pronouns
#finished T. Kingfisher's What Moves the Dead#a short and entertaining enough read — though I struggled a bit to suspend my disbelief regarding the supposedly historical setting#it wanted to do some interesting things with gender but I'm not sure it pulled it off or what to make of it#I want it to be good but upon further reflection it really isn't. sigh#kitchat#also as with so much art that involves like. personhood and body horror and fundamentally alien ways of perceiving the world—#— I found myself wishing it would have just gone harder somehow#I can't put my finger on How but I'll know it when I see it#honestly the answer might just be Put More Transgender In It#okay edit i think i wanted the characters to suck more. they all felt too wholesome especially in a story based on gothic horror
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okay I severely misjudged spaghetti guy he’s actually just really cool
#okay so I came to this flat and he wasn’t here. greeted by a very dirty flat with shit all over the kitchen counters over cling film#I meet first my other flatmate who told me he stays in his room constantly bc of previous bad flatmates#has literally just a saucepan and some salt in the kitchen. so I’m like okay spaghetti guy potentially not great but could just be#how this guy is yknow#on Tuesday I get an email back saying he’s coming back from Norway tonight looking forward to seeing you feel free to use the kitchen sauces#rlly friendly message that I wasn’t expecting. I also didn’t know he’d been on a trip i just knew he wasn’t there bc his door was open#(to a REALLY nice room. multiple rlly nice plants (which he has little care labels for!!!) and it’s tidy and pretty#and he’s got a sheep teddy on the bed)#meanwhile I am in my own head bc I don’t wanna cook in the kitchen until I can clean it and I can’t clean it without moving his shit and#I haven’t seen him yet to talk abt it and I can’t bring myself to talk to him immediately bc I’m dying#and embarrassed as hell by how I’ve been cooking in my room with a microwave and air fryer (loud) and sneaking my shit out of the kitchen#but then yesterday I DO talk to him!! and he’s super friendly!! actually interested in having a conversation and Good at it.#and then he’s cooking and like. spaghetti burns but I’m not there for long and seems to be a mistake (he made the same thing for lunch today#and did Not burn the spaghetti) and is otherwise clearly competent bc the food smells Good and despite leaving a few things out it’s like#washed up stuff isn’t dirty and the sides are better despite still under cling film. more a case that he’s spread out than he’s messy#and now today we talked and i offered to hold onto some shit over summer bc complicated situation that boils down to he’s flying back home#and he cant take all his stuff and had to choose between chucking stuff/having literally nothing this weekend. like sleeping on the sofa etc#and then cleans the whole flat?? which I’m assuming a good chunk is his mess? but he did not need to do that. could’ve easily left#bc there are two people still living here who would’ve had to deal with it and he doesn’t know either at all#and THEN tonight we talk abt food which is fun bc we both ordered stuff. and he offers me some honeydew melon bc he’s been gorging himself#these past two days to finish it before it goes bad/he leaves which is also really sweet#and JUST NOW. I take my headphones out after finishing dinner and hear the sweetest fucking guitar#he plays the gentlest like dreamy sounding acoustic guitar I’ve heard in my life in his room (door closed by the time I leave)#this is actually just a really cool dude#now that the kitchens clear I’m gonna cook tomorrow and will probably offer him some bc otherwise he’s gonna be eating out all weekend#he has extra takeout for tomorrow night but might want smth Sunday#regardless I am just. huh??? left a bit stunned bc of the u turn my opinion of this guy has taken. bc my opinion of him was a reflection#of my discomfort moving to this weird dirty basement flat with two people I didn’t know#well. idk where to go from here. I think I’ll start by talking to him more this weekend. bc holy fucking shit.#luke.txt
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wheres the "why is it so saaaad" image with the cat with big sopping watering eyes ouauauuugh how I feel is the embodiment of that
#ow....... my heart 🥹#im not even really sad about anything specific its just been such a long week. and probably the comedown is enhancing it#i just want to cry snottily into someones shirt for like half an hour and maybe ill be okay#its just so haaaard. and i think the meds do help a bit but it still takes effort on my part too. and it sucks a ljttle bit that theyll-#take a while to get used to and maybe therell still be some side effects anyway. and also they could be stopped by shortages at any time#i guess it just scares me a bit the idea of depending on smth like medication just to get a little closer to being a functional human#i wish that came with existing already.. but no point lamenting abt it. the cards have been dealt and its not all that bad really#i just want to be happy.... not all the time but maybe a solid 60-70% of the time. if thats not too much. dont we all girl!!#ah my life is pretty good as it is though and i have a lot to be grateful for. but im allowed to want a little more... right 🥹#im going to go to beddddd. hopefully ill sleep better tonight and tomorrow will be a nice day. at least i dont have to work yayy#ahhh. also its my birthday soon and it always makes me sad coming up to and having a birthday i dont know why..#i dont mind getting older but i guess it makes me feel quite reflective and sometimes its hard to think about the past/future#i want to be able to celebrate birthdays and let people be nice to me and have fun about it! and i say every year ill try better at it#but i never manage to get there it always feels like too much to ask for and too much to take.. ah. well its okay really#ill make myself a cake and do smth fun. and have a good cry at some point but thats just part of the day#not for another few weeks anyway.. okay 10pm lights out zzzz#.diaries
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nothing makes me feel like i've lived a thousand lifetimes more than seeing "the buddy cole documentary" and "other girls" and "antisocial media" on the same list. like what do you mean i'm only 21 i should be at least eighty
#this is about the final i'm working on again. reflecting on current projects + past projects in the video i'm making#i've talked about the buddy cole doc and other girls on here. ''antisocial media'' is my first big writing project from when i was 13#i would write scripts for a sitcom i came up with and post them on wattpad and they actually amassed a bit of a fan base???#like nothing too huge#but like that was SUCH an era for me. like wtf from the ages of 12-14 i had my own sitcom lowkey???#and i would write new episodes by myself every week??? most of them weren't *good* per se but like what 12 y.o. is doing that???#i don't think most of it holds up and i haven't really revisited it in a while but i want to do some kind of series of video essays#looking back into it like an archeological dig into my early writing and 2015 internet culture (bc the sitcom is VERY 2015 internet)#possibly doing some readings of certain scenes with some friends#but like i wanna wait until i have even more actual industry experience first bc that will make analyzing this weird old writing very funny
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bar exam in 8 days. i am so scared lmfao
#ooc.#a bit of negativity in the tags:#i am also a little sad bc my studies and lack of availability/focus have def caused some people to not want to stick around here#but i am trying not to think about that now#thanks for sticking around if you're still here#i really appreciate it. i love being here and talking with you all. my life has just been so hard lately#when i was still able to write my brain would only let myself focus on certain things#and it is nothing to do with the lovely people i write with here#and more just what my brain let me focus on#this has been a thing since i have been in school#i opened my blog back up to the public right before finals#so you really have known this stressed scatterbrained version of me#that i would like to think isn't reflective of who i am as a person or writer#i've just been full of a lot of emotions lately#because i hold my fandoms and the people in them near and dear to my heart and i feel like i have inadvertently driven some of them away#so my heart is breaking a little bit.#if we have spoken on here#or i have sent a meme to you#or received one from you#or gotten a starter from you#or written a starter for you#you Do mean a lot to me.#i have not forgotten you.#i'll probably delete this soon. i'm a little embarrassed#i don't want this to be a pity party but i feel i owe an explanation#just know i have everything saved#everything in my drafts/askbox#and i never drop anything unless i tell you i need to for some reason#thank you for being here again#you all have offered me some solace and community during the hardest time in my life
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i found enneagram books and bought a couple, and i was feeling a little insecure ("am i rly a 7? i act like a 2 a lot of the time" etc etc) and then i read some stuff about type 7 and laughed out loud bc it read me so hard. so i think i'm typed right lmao
#it's the social instinctual variant making me attention oriented and somewhat self sacrificing#i remember a year or two ago when i took some personality test and scored super high on narcissism...#self obsessed now self obsessed forever 💖#anyway. the thing that got me was riso and hudson writing about 'the wake up call'#2's was believing they must go out to others to win them over... which resonates a little bit BUT#7's was feeling that something better is available somewhere else. and baby if that isnt me :/#I AM WORKING ON COMMITTING TO THINGS AND LIVING IN THE MOMENT AND APPRECIATING WHAT I HAVE#BUT I WANT MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE#variety and experiences and fun and and and#this has been noontime self reflection with jess. now you know im obsessed with myself and have avoidant tendencies#(if youve been following me or have known me for a while u already knew that lol it's not a big secret)#enneagram
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I'M SO SLEEPY HFLKDJA
#🌙.vent#weekends r too short i barely did anything ngl but. i did spend time w my family n some friends lately so that's nice !?!#just thinking n oh my god i hate being shy so much. i tell myself so often i need to hesitate less! but#it's just so HARD. I HATE IT BCS I REALLY WNA JUST#😭😭 i can't help but feel really bad about it bcs. i really need to..#oh my mind is such a mess rn wait but i really need to hesitate less#ok that said it's 4 am n i have to wake up in less than 3 hours. i'm sleepy but. i want to.. write whatever. i need to#it's so hard for me to bring myself to sleep until i've. written. something#writing to my friend writing to myself writing for school i don't care i really just need to write something before i sleep#this sucks bcs i'm genuinely rlly sleepy rn but i can't bring myself to just. stop wtvr n finally go to sleep#it's so. tbf it is like 4 am rn my mind is so messy#i opened up a bit to one of my online friends of my.. anxiety of like drifting apart or being distant n all#n their words reminded me of some stuff that made me reflect a bit n#i know w like. a lot of my friends i don't have to be so nervous about anything at all n i#i'm about to cry rn i blame it on the lack of sleep n the sleepiness i have rn :<#it's just such a touchy subject for me i always get very emotional when i think or reflect on what i mean to others....?#it's a really really touchy subject for me bcs it just. reminds me that i'm. actually alive n human too yk? that. this is. real i think#i'm crying this is so dumb#it's so. i hate it so much bcs at heart i know better but it's just so hard to really just accept that. i don't know#how is it like to have /me/ in your life?? in whatever way?? it just feels so unreal to me n that. probably stems from a certain#loneliness that i've grown to be used to. n then it's the root of my hesitation i Think#it's just.. rlly so hard at times to. idk i can't help but unintentionally restrain myself w others n there's just often this barrier#i hate it i'm so afraid to be hurt in any way again that even though i rlly wish this fear wasn't there it's just engraved in me#n so i wonder at times. the person others know me as. is it rlly me or just the parts they want to see. an image of me?#i hate it bcs i know certainly w the way i perceive others i love them so much wholly but accepting that for me feels so 'selfish'#i know better but it's so hard to just break out of it n i feel like a burden so often.i hate it so much i feel like i'm rarely ever enough#& i 'have' to be just enough; not too much or too little. i have. fears of what wld happen if i really be myself if i wasn't shy n all..?#n then i rlly can be too harsh on myself at times. to do things right n properly. but life is imperfect the world is imperfect n it's ok if#if i'm not too right? if i can love others unconditionally then.. surely surely i'm not exempt from that? surely i'm human too?#yk what. i'll be fine when i wake up i think i'll go sleep n do the rest tomorrow. it's been.. a month now hasn't it? 28th huh
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#the more chaotic my life becomes the more i post here some purely random shit#i think i've found some kind of a solace here#(read as i think i kinda have two weird unspoken beefs with both of my close friends so i feel lonely but that's not about it)#(i just want you to read my rambling in the most loser-ish way possible)#i bought this limited suit (a jacket + mini-skirt combo) from a local brand not that long ago#i ordered it online because i fell in love at first sight with it. the models looked so cool and chic and hot and cute and HSUKDOGSE6JDOIF7#all at the same time#today was the first time i've put it on all together & took a full height pic of myself#and instead of cute cool chic hot YJJEIKDNDOXJEIAKAKWIDJ I got a chubby chibi vibe from the uberkawaii meme#you probably don't know this meme but i think i look exactly what it sounds like#i look like a chubby chibi from the uberkawaii meme and that's not what i was trying to achive :(((((#i deliberately didn't include a pic of me in full height so that you won't see my chubby chibi uberwakaiiness#why can't i be just a little bit taller. is it too much to ask. i just want a tiny little +50cm to my height#i love this suit so much. if only i could be a 2m chinese tiktok long legs beauty i'd fell in love with my reflection in the mirror as well#sad stuff#it's still not that bad tho#thanks for coming to my tedtalk#i should go and get my life together instead of shitposting from now on
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kind of very personal reflection in the tags about health and fear of death i guess
#really sucks when someone keeps going with unhealthy behaviors#and when the body suddenly breaks or suddenly gives extremely alarming signs it might already be too late to act#because 'but i was fine before'#one of the top reasons why i have done my best despite stress and arguing and everything going on to keep moving#keep hiking keep walking more than an hour a day keep eating even if i don't like it#managing stress and prioritizing myself some extents more#yeah i was 'fine' before. but i wasn't realizing i was slowly starting to kill myself. a young body won't tell you shit. it will compensate#until it suddenly can't anymore#just saw a video of a content creator i follow who suddenly got scared of their body giving up on them#and is now changing their lifestyle. which is great. but it's sad for me to see#because the body keeps score and catches up. it eventually does. and it's scary when it happens. and i wish i acted more for myself#anyway. i hope people look after themselves as much as they can and can afford#human body can snap its fingers and suddenly there's a huge problem that needs fixing. and it can be preventable#it can be easier. i don't want to fall ill because i push myself to extents my body can't follow. and i don't want people close to me to#risk the same. maybe it's selfish to want. but it's a bit of a reflection i've had buzzing in my head quite a while#and this video made me think actively on it again#i don't know when's the last time i'll see my aunt. she's 70 and morbidly obese and can barely walk. she needs medications and she can't#raise herself from her bed. i just don't want more family to go down that road. i want everyone to be ok and know that some things can be#easily prevented and looked after. yeah
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i have to keep reminding myself im not on a deadline for a new painting (after working on my new years redraw close to the date. again) but im also working awfully slow and raaaahhhh i wanna do main painting but i also want to actually be settled on designs so i dont screw myself over laterrrr
#i am resigning myself to redoing alice's outfit a bit unfortunately#like its not bad but. its not her i think.#im not making 'playable character' design btw i would actually die these are meant to be fairly... casual? outfits?#im not studying genshin design style. you can tell bcs they have wrinkles.#rhinedottir im p settled on.#alice needs some adjustments bcs i actually had a cute designs idea for her hat#nicole.... eh? her shawl is the big thing i wanted her to have and the vibes are fine but smth about her is just kinda off for me atm.#and barbeloth. whos gonna be the fourth original design. i have v little ideas. i like to think she's a lot more like mona than mona likes#to admit and i want that to reflect in her design but. i dont know howwwww.#im rambling im sowwy. i find i draw quicker in my physical sketchbook for shitty quick sketches so ill bang out some ideas tomorrow.#at least klee albedo mona and diluc all have established designs and vibes so although theyre getting designs as well i know what angl#winks#step right up! || 🪄.txt
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