#social anxiety and not leaving the house or working out makes me weird

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for talking on the phone while shopping?

So this happened months ago but it still weighs on me when I’m reminded of it and I want to know if I was an asshole, if I’m being dramatic, etc.

For context I have PTSD and AVPD (avoidant personality disorder - think social anxiety, but much more intense, lifelong, and you can’t ‘cure’ it or really medicate it).

For a very long time I didn’t leave my house at all. The last year or so I’ve been really working on it and I can do small things like go to a nearby shop, but sometimes I still have bad days where I can’t do that without having someone with me.

I moved into a new place and it was ideally located, there was a small corner shop literally seconds from my front door on the same little street. It was the only store in that area so it was my only option and I was lucky it was so near. However because the area was unfamiliar it really set off my mental illnesses and for the first couple of months living there I couldn’t make myself go out of my home, needing my sisters (who are wonderful) or my partner to bring me basic groceries or go with me.

One day I wanted to take that step but I couldn’t make myself do it completely alone (trust me I tried, I was sitting for several hours with my jacket on trying to psych myself up to go). Eventually I asked my partner, who was too busy to come with me, if they could be on the phone with me while I went - this sometimes helps because it gives me something to focus on that’s not the people around me and lets me feel like I have a lifeline of sorts. They agreed and eventually I worked up the courage to walk to the store.

I got in and had the phone to my ear but was keeping my voice as quiet as I could, though I was the only person in the shop aside from the woman (maybe 50s-60s) behind the till, so I didn’t feel as bad as I usually would about disturbing other shoppers etc. I picked up basic stuff, got to the till, put the phone on mute and put it down on the counter so I could have my hands free to bag things up.

The woman was acting a little weird, just kind of short and giving me looks, but I was just kind of trying to get out as fast as possible so I didn’t think too much of it. I asked her if I could have a bag and she didn’t seem to hear me. Asked again and she said okay. After she’d scanned everything she scrunched up my receipt and went to throw it away and she noticed I was still hesitating, so she asked if I’d wanted to keep it and I said “No sorry I’m just waiting for the bag”

And she just. Blew up.

She started screaming about how maybe if I’d been paying attention to her instead of my phone I would have asked earlier, how I was rude, how it ruined her day to have customers like me. For the first few seconds I remember kind of weakly smiling because I thought she was being jokingly mad, because that’s how absolutely out of nowhere it was - just 1-100 in a second. I still remember the look in her eyes when she was shouting at me, like… I can’t even describe how much genuine anger and hatred was in her face, her eyes were twitching and she was genuinely shaking with anger. Raised voices and anger in general are one of my biggest PTSD triggers so this just… broke me. She was holding my groceries to her chest while I kept trying to reach for them so I couldn’t leave and I just had to stand there and let her shout. Another customer came in so I didn’t even feel like I could argue back so I just grabbed my stuff and basically ran home and then broke down.

I was completely back to square one and I felt like it instilled that I couldn’t leave my home and be independent because the first time I’d gotten the courage to go out mostly-alone this had happened.

I didn’t want to put in a complaint because I didn’t want to be That Person, but my mother ended up calling the manager on my behalf and after she followed up he said he’d spoken to her but no more detail than that.

For the rest of the time I lived there I didn’t go back to the store even with people except on hours I knew she wasn’t there, because my sister ended up asking around the area and someone told her they knew who she was talking about because she had a reputation of being “like that” and gave her her working hours so I could avoid her.

I eventually moved away again and didn’t need to use the shop anymore, but this was brought back again because a few weeks ago I was passing through with my sister and we dropped by so my sister could grab something, and the woman was there again stocking shelves. As soon as she saw me she completely stopped what she was doing to just stare at me, then started aggressively throwing the things onto the shelves before going back to the till. My sister would probably have said something if she’d been rude in front of her, but she was completely fine to her and served her politely.

I didn’t really realise how badly it was still affecting me until then because I was just standing frozen in front of the door waiting to be able to leave and my hands were shaking really badly.

So AITA for being on my phone in a shop and being rude? The reasons I think I could be TA are that she treated my sister perfectly fine, when I told family about it afterwards some of them said that in her defense being on my phone while shopping was pretty rude, and I got my mother to complain to her boss about her (even though I don’t think she got in trouble I think she was probably mad about this)

What are these acronyms?

[goldenbuckyyy]

PARALYZED

Summary: Your mind is making you believe things you shouldn’t.

Pairings: Harry Styles x fem!Reader, Fem!Reader x OC, Mentions of HS x OC

Word Count: 4kish

Warnings: DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AGAINST PARTNER, mentions of blood, slapping, tugging, and previous events of D.V. Also being gaslit, believing something you shouldn’t, allures to depression, anxiety, PTSD from D.V events.

PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE IF ANY OF THE ABOVE WARNINGS ARE TRIGGERING FOR YOU.

A/N: First off, I am so sorry I’m barely posting part 4! I know it’s been a long time since I posted part 3, but I was in a funk about this short series and I had no idea what to do with it! I’m thinking since it’s such a heavy topic, it felt almost draining, but.. here it is! And I hope you all enjoy it. 🫶🏻 thank you for supporting me and loving my work!! I’m also tagging the people that commented on the last part! Song Inspo: “Paralyzed” by NF

All my mistakes are my own. Please do not repost or translate my fics on any other site nor this one.

I appreciate any likes, reblogs, messages, and interactions. Please message me your thoughts!!! It fuels me!

Series Masterlist | Main Masterlist

Two weeks. 

It’s been two weeks since you’ve been home since your accident. 

Accident. 

The word felt weird in your brain. It felt weird in your mouth. It felt weird even thinking about it. 

Because the more you thought about it… the more your brain tried to remember the events that had happened to you and the more pain it caused you. 

You had spent the entire time locked up in your home. 

Absolutely terrified to go outside. To see your friends. To see your family.

You hadn’t even seen Harry and it wasn’t for his lack of trying. He called. He texted. He even came to the house when he knew Asher would be at work. He’d stay outside for hours in his Range Rover and you’d secretly watch him from the window upstairs that he didn’t know had the perfect view of him. 

And he looked just as rough as you felt. 

But you couldn’t find it in yourself to speak to him. Let alone see him. 

Sometimes.. sometimes you’d cry sitting against the front door as you listened to Harry talking to you from behind it. 

But you would simply just text him to leave you alone and that you couldn’t speak to him anymore. 

He sent you so many messages daily and it made you feel guilty. Guilty for shutting him out after he was there for you.  Ashamed for what you had done to Asher. And terrified because you didn’t want anything to happen to Harry. The more you thought about what had happened to you… the more it made you afraid of Harry getting hurt because of you. 

You just felt so horrible. So ashamed. So guilty. So gross. 

You couldn’t even bring yourself to record anything for your socials. 

You had been posting old drafts that you had saved for a rainy day and you feared that your followers were slowly realizing something was going on. But you ignored the feeling and persisted with your day to day life. 

Well, you were trying. 

Your body still aches. You still felt incredibly sore, but it was slowly getting better. 

The swelling around your face had gone down and the bruising was now a greenish/yellowing color. You still felt horrible. You felt hideous and ashamed. 

You didn’t know why, but you felt so ashamed of yourself. 

And you were terrified of Asher. 

You couldn’t even look at him. He had gone on with his day to day life after you had been released from the hospital. He tried to be there for you, but he could tell something was wrong because you wouldn’t let him touch you. 

You were so scared of him and you didn’t know why. You kept having nightmares of ‘the accident’ and the more and more you dreamt of it… the more the person resembled Asher. The more you saw the figure in your mind… the more their features twisted into Asher’s. 

Those dark eyes turned into angry blue ones. The messy black hair in your dreams turned into bright blonde. The blurry jaw turned sharp and all the features soon morphed into Asher. And it terrified you. 

Had it been Asher who had done this to you? 

The more you thought about it… the more those muffled words the person yelled turned into words yelled at you by Asher. 

The more you think about it the more your breathing starts feeling restricted because you can almost feel the way his strong hand was pressed against the base of your neck. The way he was physically choking you against the wall and how you cried to him, begging him to let you go, but he never did. 

Silent tears fall down your cheeks as the memories pile into your thoughts. You didn’t want to believe it. 

You couldn’t believe it. 

You grip onto your shoulders as you hug your knees to your chest and the cold bathtub feels good on your naked skin. But you feel hollow inside.. almost empty. 

The water surrounding your naked body is cold and your skin is breaking out into goosebumps. But you can’t find it in yourself to get out of it. 

You feel as if you’re drowning in all of your emotions with your heart pounding in your ears. Trying to find the meaning of why he did this to you. 

Why would he leave you with these scars inside of you that will never heal? 

You know what you did was wrong. So wrong. That’s why you hadn’t spoken to Harry in two weeks, but did you honestly deserve all of this? 

Maybe you did. 

Maybe you did deserve this. 

You did this. You cheated on him. You hurt him first. You destroyed him first. He just got even. 

The annoying little voice in your head kept repeating those sentences to you and you were starting to believe it. 

You let out a shaky breath as your body shakes with it. You slowly start to get out of the bathtub, your body feeling weak, and you know you look like shit. 

You had been feeling so nauseated and disgusting. You couldn’t keep anything down, but you kept trying. 

You obviously haven't been eating right and your body is showing it, but you avoid yourself in the mirror and dry yourself off in the dark closet. You pull on an oversized jumper and matching bottoms. You braid your wet hair into a braid and let out a deep sigh. Your chest feels heavy. 

You sit for a second, letting your eyes slowly go up, and you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. Your dark under eyes and hollow cheeks are enough to make you instantly look away. The bruises you still hold make your eyes sting. The fading handprint marks on your neck make you cringe. You close your eyes quickly and curse at yourself. 

You slowly make your way to your bed, putting your phone to charge, and slipping under the covers. 

And at that moment, Asher walks into the room in his work suit. His eyes immediately find you and you freeze in the bed. 

You wonder if he knows that you know it was him.  

Was it him? 

It was. 

His eyes never leave you as he bends down in front of you. You grip onto the covers around you and hold your breath when his fingers caress your face. 

“How are you feeling?” He asks with sincerity in his voice and warmth in his eyes. And you wonder how he could have ever laid a hand on you. 

“I’m okay,” you reply in a whisper and try to not shake underneath his touch. 

Why are you afraid of him? He was upset and you deserved it. 

“I’m glad,” he says as he quickly kisses your forehead and then goes into the bathroom. He shuts the door behind him and you let out a shaky breath that you were holding in. You wipe the wet kiss he left on your skin and then when you hear the shower start, your body relaxes into the bed. 

Then your phone vibrates on your nightstand. 

Your entire body runs cold and you quickly get it, jogging out of the room, and running downstairs. 

You step outside into your patio and answer your phone. The cold air hitting your face and making you instantly shiver.  

“You have to stop calling me,” you whisper immediately when you put the phone to your ear. Your heart thumps rapidly inside of your chest. 

You hear a small sniffle from the other side of the call and your heart tightens. 

“Sun..” 

You clench your eyes tightly and try to even out your breathing, “Harry. I’ve told you to stop calling me. You.. you can’t call me anymore. Whatever we had, it’s done. It-it’s over.” 

Even if your heart is screaming at you to let him back in. To ask him to come save you. To save you from Asher. To save you from yourself. 

“Just please tell me why you’re still there! He hurt you! He did this to you. Why don’t you believe me?!” His voice is filled with anguish, disbelief, and he sounds absolutely devastated. 

Because you can't admit that he did this to you. Because you deserve everything he did. Because you made the biggest mistake when you slept with Harry again. Harry doesn’t want you anymore. 

You pinch the bridge of your nose as an uneasiness settles into the pit of your stomach. “What am I supposed to do, Harry? I-I don’t even know if it was him! I feel crazy! I feel insane! I-I feel insane for the way my brain is slowly making images of him doing this to me! How could—he didn’t,” you start pacing your backyard, wet grass tickling your feet, “How could he have done this to me?” You silently beg him for an answer. 

You weep silently as he asks, “You remember?” 

You silently groan and wipe your tears away in a rush. 

“I don’t know what I remember! I-I don’t know what’s real or what’s fake. I just know that you need to stop calling me,” you demand as you quickly end the call and sit down on your patio chair. Trying to relax your heart rate as the ugly images rush in your brain. 

You clench your eyes tightly together, your hands grasping at the roots of your hair, and you let out a little whimper. 

Stop crying. You deserved it. 

You slowly start to work on your breathing, your entire body shaking with feelings of anxiety and desperation, and you lean back onto the chair. Letting yourself inhale deeply and calmly. Your eyes are still closed as you try to relax. 

“Y/N?”

Asher’s voice startles you which makes you flinch, which causes you to jump in the chair, your hands gripping onto the arm rests in a panic, and gasping deeply. Your eyes go wide in fright and you see Asher standing in front of you in only his pajama pants. His blonde hair is wet and messy. 

“Hey, it’s just me.” He coos at you, leaning down to watch you, his cold hands covering your own, and you try not to snatch them back. 

He notices your hesitation and he frowns. 

“Why are you outside?” His voice suddenly turned cold. 

“I just needed some fresh air,” you lie as you try to speak clearly and without any shakiness. 

Because your mind won’t stop trying to tell you about what happened. 

His eyebrows furr and his lips go tight. 

“You need to come inside before you catch a cold,” he demands. His hand tightens around your wrist and he basically tugs you onto your feet and drag you inside. 

You yelp loudly, “Asher, what are you doing? Let go of me!” 

He loves you. He wouldn’t hurt you. Would he? 

He already did. 

His hand only grips tighter around you as he drags you into the kitchen. 

The only place you had been avoiding since the accident. Your heart rate immediately goes sky high, confusion runs through you, and you beg, “Asher.. wh-what are you doing? Let me go, please.” 

Fear runs through your body when he shoves you into the kitchen stool and he stands in front of you. 

“Since when do you remember?” 

Your mouth goes dry as your eyes go wide, “Remember what?” 

He rolls his eyes, crossing his arms across his chest, and his dark eyes turn to you. “Let’s just stop this game where you pretend you don’t remember what I did to you and why I did it to you.” 

“I…I don’t—I don’t know…” 

You look down to try to avoid his hard stare and start fumbling with your fingers. A feeling of uneasiness surrounds you. 

His hand slams onto the countertop, the loud bang making you jump, and tears fill your eyes. Because you’re terrified. Your lip quivers in fright. 

“Stop fucking lying to me!! You’ve been lying to me for years! Saying you and Harry are over! That-that nothing was going on between you guys! That it was over! It was never fucking over!! You kept fucking him behind my back and I want to know why!” 

His hands grip your arms tightly, tears falling down your cheeks as you try to avoid his eyes, and he grabs your chin in his hand. 

“Stop fucking crying and tell me why you kept fucking him!!” He roars at you as angry tears run down his face, chest heaving in rage, and he looks terrifying. 

You cry into his palm, “I-I d-don't know why! It-it just happened, I s-swear!! Please, Asher! Please believe me! It only h-happened a couple times and—-“ you whine as his grip tightens around your chin and pain shoots all over your body from it. 

“So, who’s the father?” 

What? 

His question makes your tears halt, you suck in a deep breath, and your hands immediately go into his wrist to try and pull him off of you. Your eyes staring into his own in shock, “What are you t-talking about?!” 

Father? 

He shoves you off his palm and you steady yourself in the chair again, watching him, and trying to stop more tears from falling. He walks around the kitchen, shaking his head, and he lets out a chuckle in disbelief. 

“Asher!” You cry out, standing up this time even though you are shaking from head to toe, and you feel completely afraid of him. You have to know what he meant. 

“What are you talking about?!” 

He turns to look down at you, his eyes roaming your body, and he stops at your belly. You flinch under his attention, wrapping your arms around yourself as if you’re trying to protect your body from him, and he moves closer to you. 

“I told the nurse from the hospital that I’m your fiancée and she told me that you’re pregnant.” You gasp loudly, covering your mouth as sobs break through you, “The only reason why they told me was because they were about to tell you after they checked your blood work again to make sure, but I begged them not to say anything. Saying something about how it would be too much for you too soon.” He rolls his eyes at your sobs and continues, “I had to practically beg on my knees for them not to tell you, but you were beaten up so bad that they felt bad for you.” 

He leans down to look into your eyes as you try to back away. 

“Little did they know it was me who did it to you,” he whispers, “but then I found out you’re pregnant. And I admit.. I did feel a little bit guilty. But then I felt pissed. Because I don’t even know if the baby is mine. Do you?” 

You whimper as he gets closer to you, your arms wrapping tighter around your body, and you look down to your feet.  

“You did this to me,” you sob out in a whisper, finally admitting it out loud, and you feel your shoulders start to shake. 

He suddenly grabs your neck and in an instant without even hesitation, you react by slapping his face hard. The loud smack startles him as an angry groan rages out of his chest and you instantly retract backwards, fumbling and tripping on your feet to the floor. 

Why would you hit the man who loves you?

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Don’t touch me, I’m sorry! Please don’t hit me!” The words fly out of your mouth at a rapid speed as you quickly scatter into the corner of the room into a ball, trying to shield yourself from him with your arms, and your breathing picks up instantly. 

Asher’s quick steps allow him to reach you in an instant, his big hands swallow your wrist, and he pulls you to your feet. You stumble into his embrace as he holds you tightly against his body. 

His free hand tugs into your hair, pulling at it by the roots and he laughs when you let out a pained whine, and tears spring out in the corner of your eyes, and you’re frozen in his hold. 

He’s pulling your hair down so that you’re looking up at him, his tight hold doesn’t let you move an inch, and his white teeth are covered in his own blood from the hard hit you gave him. 

“Are you scared of me?” He questions as he slowly caresses your face. 

You let out a low whimper as you watch him, scared to even breathe. 

“Why would I ever hit you? You’re my fiancé and I love you,” his voice is steady and cynical. You gulp down the lump in your throat as your lips quiver. 

Your body is aching already from his tight hold and you wish you were braver. 

“I would never hurt you again. Don’t you trust me?” he whispers into your neck as he starts kissing down your jaw. You shiver at his touch and don’t move. 

“Isn’t that right? I would never hurt you again. I’m sorry I ever touched you like I did before. I was only upset. You forgive me, right?,” he whispers into your mouth as his lips hover over yours and he slowly kisses you. Fear is etched into every single fiber of your body and you don’t close your eyes as you watch him kiss your lips. 

You let out a shaky breath as you move your lips against his as you try and think of what to do. How would you even get out of this situation? 

He’s taller than you. He’s stronger and faster than you’ll ever be. You don’t think you’d be able to make it far. You don’t think you’d make it out the door without him catching you. 

“And now you’re carrying my baby. I’m not ever going to hurt you again,” he whispers into your mouth as you cry silently. 

What are you going to do now?

Harry couldn’t live with you. 

He couldn’t eat. He couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t fucking think without you. 

He couldn’t even fucking breathe without you. 

His chest hurt from your absence in his life and he was trying so fucking hard to help you. But you wouldn’t let him in. 

He tried calling, he tried texting, he tried staying outside of your house to get you to talk to him, but you just wouldn’t. He didn’t want to force you to remember and he didn’t want to physically take you away from your home. 

He couldn’t do that to you. But he was terrified every single second of the day. He didn’t know what to do. 

He tried talking to your family and seeing if they had spoken to you or seen you, but they said they hadn’t. They said you messaged them every day, but only simple worlds that you were okay and that you were recovering. And that you were tired and needed to be alone. 

It was killing Harry. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. 

He was torn about what to do. Because he didn’t know what the fuck to do. How was he supposed to just take you away from your home? It would be basically kidnapping. 

But he was scared that Asher was going to hurt you again. How was he supposed to know if he didn’t already? 

He just wanted you to be okay. He just needed to see you. He just wanted to be with you. 

He’d protect you. He’d love you. He’d keep you safe. 

If only you’d let him. 

And now you weren’t even speaking to him. You kept telling him to leave you alone and that everything that had happened between you two was a mistake. 

How was he supposed to believe that? You are the love of his life. 

He couldn’t give two fucks about Vivian and Asher. 

Matter of fact, he called off his engagement with Vivian the second he got home from the hospital and she was out of his home the next day. She said she knew it was too good to be true and apparently fucked off to Paris. 

Harry couldn’t bring himself to care because he was too worried about you. And he knew what he was doing wasn’t healthy. But what else is he supposed to do? 

Kidnap you? 

Take you away from your home and keep you in his? 

Keep you in his home until you remember what Asher did to you? And make you leave him? 

Maybe he should. 

Harry’s eyes started burning as tears filled the brim of his eyes and he stumbles out a loud, frustrated sigh, because he’s so tired. He’s so fucking tired of crying! 

He’s so upset at himself for not doing anything. He’s pissed off at the world. He’s pissed at himself. He’s pissed off at Asher for ever touching you and he’s pissed off at your brain for making you forget. 

He wants to kill Asher. He wants to beat him to a pulp. He wants to make him hurt the way you hurt. 

But how is he supposed to do that when you still believe he’s the golden boy you used to love? 

Harry knows he’s not supposed to call you. He knows you probably won’t answer. You never do. Well, usually. But he misses your voice. He needs to hear your voice. He begs god that you remember and that you ask him to come for you. Please. He needs this. 

He clicks on the first contact in his favorites list and his breathing almost hitches when he hears your voice. 

“You have to stop calling me,” he hears your sweet voice whisper into the phone. His heart tightens in his chest. 

He sniffles as he feels his lips quiver and he frowns, “Sun…” 

“Harry. I’ve told you to stop calling me. You.. you can’t call me anymore. Whatever we had, it’s done. It-it’s over.” 

He can hear your strangled breathing on the other side of the phone. His heart is thumping rapidly at your words. He pinches the bridge of his nose. 

“Just please tell me why you’re still there! He hurt you! He did this to you. Why don’t you believe me?!” He yells into the phone trying not to get too upset. But he feels so much pain right now. He feels devastated. He just needs you to believe him. Why don’t you believe him? 

He clutches his own chest as if he’s trying to console his own heart from the pain he’s feeling. 

“What am I supposed to do, Harry? I-I don’t even know if it was him! I feel crazy! I feel insane! I-I feel insane for the way my brain is slowly making images of him doing this to me! How could—he didn’t.. How could he have done this to me?” 

Harry listens to your rapid words and he aches for you. All he wants to do is take away everything you’re feeling. He wants to take away all your pain. 

He begs god to give it to him instead. He can handle it. He can take it.

You can’t. He doesn’t know if he can save you from this. He wants to save you. And then it clicks. 

He silently gasps when your words click in his own brain. 

“You remember?” 

He hears you groan into the phone before you speak again, “I don’t know what I remember! I-I don’t know what’s real or what’s fake. I just know that you need to stop calling me.” 

Then, the line goes dead. 

Harry stares at the phone in shock. His mind reels a million thoughts every second. What should he do? 

He doesn’t even think before he shoves on some shoes and goes into his Range Rover. 

He’s going to save you. Even if it kills him. He’s going to take you away from Asher. 

And he hopes you forgive him for not coming sooner. 

Tag list: @yellowtrain28 @sarcas-latte @st-ev-ie @ingrid-ingrid-ingrid @cherry01 @writinghost @that-daydream-look @marzhshaim

[tommyssupercoolblog]

Pluralphobia as a response to plurality is so unserious to me. Not as discrimination like, that's serious and awful and has serious effects, I mean the emotional response of fear and distrust when faced with plurality. Like. What the fuck.

I'm sorry, you're scared of...multiple people living together and balancing their needs? How the fuck are you even alive in this economy if roommates and family units are SOOO scary because there's multiple people in one space who have to SHARE. Were you never a child in a household or orphanage. Were you spit out by a machine fully grown and independent.

"they could do ANYTHING when you're not there" yeah so could your mom at work. So could your pet when you leave the house. So could your friends when you're not around them. They could be doing anything right now and you WOULDN'T KNOW oh dear God the horror!!! They could be murderers or something and you would have NOOOO clueeeee omg. Apartment complexes must make you CRY huh, all those PEOPLE who could be ANYONE doing ANYTHING, all together in ONE SPACE oh NOOOO

"I'll miss things and not remember them" so you're not forgetful about anything ever? Interesting, well have you never taken a sick day before- skipped work or school, been bedridden or slept all day? Or like, done a phone detox. What about being hospitalized or going on vacation. What about SLEEPING IN GENERAL??? Oh NO you're going to be unconscious for eight hours, dear God what could possibly be happening out there?! What about being in a coma?

"it's different because my body is moving around without me and I could get hurt" okay, what about sleepwalking? And beyond that your body can get hurt anyway even when it's sitting still!! At any moment a meteorite could slam through the roof of your house and kill you while you sleep. You could be completely unaware of your upcoming death and lie asleep "honk shoo mimimi"-ng while a murder breaks into your house or your house catches on fire or something. Are you just not going to sleep anymore? Because you can't not sleep, you'll just literally actually die.

"what if they say something awful" sleepTALKING. And you've never insulted someone by accident or blurted something out without meaning to? You're in perfect control of your speech all of the time, never misspeaking or phrasing something wrong or saying something impulsive. Also, gee wizz, never go drinking!! You might say something bad!!! Don't talk to people when you're tired either!!!

"they all look the same" I sure hope nobody tells you about TWINS because that will defenitely fuck you up. Quadruplets are even worse. Just wait until someone tells you about celebrity douplegangers, you'll be INCONSOLABLE.

"what if an alter is mean or doesn't like me" that's not any more likely than a singlet being mean or not liking you; if you're not worried about every person you meet possibly being mean or hating you then you have no reason to worry about it with headmates. And if you ARE equally afraid of that with singlets then please, go get treated for social anxiety

"someone's alter could bully me and the other alters wouldn't even KNOW" Talk to them???

"what if they don't BELIEVE me?!!!" Then they wouldn't believe you about a singlet hurting you behind their back either and you should probably just. Stop hanging out with them

"they're replacing (original person)" what, because they look like them and live with them? That's not the same thing as replacing them. They still have separate thoughts and feelings and interests, it's not like they're "saving over the original file" or whatever. It's not any different then a family having a new kid, except they're guaranteed to live with each other forever. Again, don't talk to twins I guess. They might share a house or a friend group

"they're weird" Okay so I guess you'll have to live in a tiny model village where everyone is a perfect robotic simulation of the "ideal normal person" so you never have to encounter anything weird or different again, since you're so scared of things being "weird."

[blairsanne]

Try Therapy - Part 4: Shaken

For the @deanobingo event!

The Brokenwood Mysteries - Barnaby Buchanan & Reader 3160 words

Summary: Barnaby is diligently befriending you, and invites you for tea. When an unexpected event occurs, memories of your traumatic past come up, leading to both of you opening up about what you've been through.

CW: Mentions of therapy, ombrophobia, claustophobia, anxiety/panic attacks, breathing techniques, brief mention of torture, natural disaster (earthquake) and related destruction.

As the weeks wore on, you and Barnaby continued to have brief chats before he left in the morning and when he returned from his ‘work’. 

Barnaby continued to keep a log of these ‘pleasant’ interactions, quite chuffed to report on them to his therapist, who seemed pleased himself that Barnaby had genuinely made a friend.

One evening, as you were readying your bike to leave, he jogged out of his house with a book in hand. “I found it!”

“Hm?” You stood beside your bike, leaning it back against the side of the house again so you could face him.

“That book we were discussing the other day. About the- the librarian. It was just behind some others on the shelf.”

He held out the novel in question, part of a mystery series by an author you both liked. He’d offered to lend it to you the week before, but you’d completely forgotten about it.

“Oh! Keen, ta.” You turned it over in your hands, smiling as you skimmed over the description on the back.

“I really enjoyed it, like I said. Quite a change of setting from her usual novels.” “Hm.” “Do you get out to the library much?”

You looked up at him and your mouth fell open as you struggled with how to answer. “I- used to.”

He narrowed his eyes and tilted his head, confused by your discomfort. You were such an avid reader, he’d assumed-

“Oh! Right- with the-” his eye twitched as he fidgeted. “All those shelves in such a small space.” He gestured with his hands to indicate the tight space.

You nodded, pursing your lips. “Something like that.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-” “No, no worries. It’s not like I forgot I was claustrophobic.”

“Mm.”

He shifted his weight and rubbed the back of his neck, still feeling guilty for the oversight.

He’d not been great at socializing since the accident, and he worried he might run you off at any moment. Still, something had been gnawing at him for the last week.

He licked his lips. “Can I ask you something?” “Of course.”

“No- that’s-” You watched him close his eyes to try to stop his eye twitch. “I mean- I- I want to ask you to answer me honestly, even if- if you don’t think I’d want to hear the answer.”

“Oh…” You furrowed your brow slightly, concerned by what he meant by that.

What was he about to ask? About Betty? Would he ask if you thought he was crazy like the town did?

“Er- the answer is still ‘of course’, then,” you encouraged.

He made eye contact with you, his sheepish, vulnerable expression making your chest ache. “Did Dennis tell you to be nice to me?”

You laughed, confused. “What?”

“Is he paying you to- to be friendly with me, when you’re here?” He watched your amused confusion turn to hurt and horror.

“Of course not.” You closed your eyes, wincing, supposing that wasn’t entirely honest. “Well, obviously since it’s a job, I can’t be rude, either, but-”

You opened your eyes and looked up at him pleadingly. “But getting to know you and whatnot, that’s not- I’m just here to tend to Betty. Being your friend was just a…” You swallowed. “Happy accident.”

He let out a small, relieved laugh. “Right. Alright.” He looked away, wincing. “Sorry, that was a rude thing to ask, then.”

“No, I- I think I understand. When people are so unkind, normally, then, it can be hard to know if someone is pitying you or…” You trailed off, staring at the ground. 

Maybe you didn’t think a horse was your wife, but you’d dealt with weird reactions from others yourself on occasion. It was isolating, and you’d often felt frustrated that other people saw your trauma as an inconvenience to them. Like it was something you’d chosen.

“So,” Barnaby’s voice interrupted your thoughts. “In the interest of spending time together- as friends- I wondered if there was anything I could do.” He blinked unevenly as you met his gaze again. “To- To make my home a suitable place for tea or… what have you.”

“Oh, to- not trigger it, you mean?”

“Yes. You’ve been very accommodating, with the sink, and the car, and I thought I ought to- Er- make it easier for you to spend time here. That is-” His face twitched again. “I-in the spirit of reciprocity.”

The offer was deeply touching to you, and you felt yourself choking up even as you smiled. “That’s really kind. Nobody ever-” You held your fist to your lips as you looked away.

Barnaby waited as you took a few deep breaths before turning to face him again.

“Mostly it’s small spaces that set it off. So I like to be outside, or in a bigger room… Tall ceilings, like the barn… Or close to an exit.”

He nodded, committing these remarks to memory very seriously.

“But,” You felt your shoulders raising as you hugged yourself. “I’m trying to challenge that. I’m supposed to be practicing the things that make me uncomfortable. Apparently that makes them easier.”

You smiled somewhat self-deprecatingly.

Barnaby met your smile with a genuine one. “My therapist said the same thing. Wants me to try the hard things, a little at a time.”

“Right, exactly.”

“Maybe we could…” He licked his lips, feeling inexplicably nervous. “Practice them together.”

You lit up. “Oh, that’s smart! Then we can lean on each other if things get too hard.”

“Yes,” Barnaby’s voice held a laugh of relief now. “Yes, exactly.”

“Keen.”

You grinned at each other for a beat.

You moved to put the book in your bag. “I should probably get going. But I’ll start this tonight and let you know what I think.”

“Yes, of course.” Barnaby backed up, wiping his hands on his pants as he felt awkward again. “So- Do you think tomorrow you could stay for tea after…?”

You looked up as you got on your bike, thinking of your schedule. “Actually, I have an appointment tomorrow evening. But the next day?”

“Oh. Okay! Then, I-I’ll look forward to that, then.”

You smiled warmly at him, quite chuffed that he wanted to spend more time with you - Betty notwithstanding.

“Me too.” You licked your lips, giving him a quick lookover. “You’re a good friend, Barnaby.”

You watched his face flash through several competing emotions before he pursed his lips and gave you a nod.

Though he wouldn’t say so outside of his sessions, having a (human) friend to talk candidly with about all sorts of things had been surprisingly helpful and enjoyable. He hadn’t thought that shrinking his social circle to just his wife and brother would take such a toll on him, but he realized now that it had.

Not that he’d had much choice, given the way people thought of him.

“You too. See you in the morning.”

“Night, then.”

“Good night.”

--

Two days later, you found yourself sitting in Barnaby’s living room.

He had rearranged the furniture somewhat since the last time you’d been inside, and had suggested you take a seat on the sofa nearest the door, which afforded you a view out the large window to the early evening sky.

You found yourself glancing out of it periodically as he made several trips to the kitchen and back for the teapot, cups, and a tray of various biscuits.

“Too much, Barnaby,” you murmured, feeling guilty despite him having told you at least three times not to get up to help him.

He poured you a cup of tea, smiling to himself. “It’s been ages since I’ve hosted anyone besides Dennis or Amy.”

“Who’s Amy?”

Barnaby stilled momentarily as he finished pouring his own cup of tea. He carefully set down the pot, then sat in a chair perpendicular to you.

“I was seeing her about- er- everything. But…” Barnaby gripped his hands together on his lap, not making eye contact. “Well, you must have heard what happened to Jakob Deschler.”

You frowned, trying to recall the details of the Deschler murder case.

You knew from what Dennis had told you that Barnaby had briefly been a suspect because of his time at the clinic, but it hadn’t been him of course. It had been some counselor or another who you hadn’t known.

Oh.

“I’m so sorry, that’s…”

“That’s bad,” Barnaby confirmed matter-of-factly, giving a nod.

He took a deep breath and reached forward to take a biscuit. “Sorry; that’s not very friendly conversation.” He hummed in disappointment, silently wondering if he had ruined the whole endeavour.

“It’s fine,” you assured him softly. Then, wanting to lighten the tone, you mirrored his actions and took a biscuit. “In any event, it’s nice to be hosted so thoughtfully.”

Barnaby nodded, straightening up a bit as he put on his most congenial airs. “It is my absolute pleasure.”

You started telling him about a new book series you were reading, and it didn’t take long for both of you to put the thoughts of Jakob Deschler and his clinic completely from your minds.

Time passed easily as you discussed various books and films, and Barnaby was just describing an art exhibit he’d seen once in Hamilton when you both felt a rumble beneath you.

The tea set made a tinkling sound as it rattled against the table, and you looked up to see everything in the small home moving as an earthquake shook it.

You gripped the armrest of the sofa tightly, feeling like the air was closing in on you, your throat tight. Your pulse raced, your mind alight with terrifying, unhelpful thoughts.

“I can’t-” You ran out of the house, feeling like you were choking, clutching at your pained chest.

“Where’re you going!?”

Barnaby stared after you out the open door in shock, unable to follow you into the rain. He watched you fall to your knees on the grass, hyperventilating.

You couldn’t push the memories from your mind as your body panicked, reliving your trauma.

--

The earthquake had been one for the record books.

The city in shambles, you were one of dozens trapped in the rubble.

When the tremor had started, you had been on your way to your usual study spot in the city library. You’d watched someone’s pencil roll off a table, and instinctively thrown yourself under the one closest to you. The people who had dug you out had cited it as having saved you from further injury.

Still, when the roof had collapsed, you’d been confined there, surrounded by the broken pieces of your favourite place. Buried in a small pocket of safety, in the dark.

It had been too small a space to move much, curled over yourself and trying to avoid the jagged bits of glass, metal, plaster, and who-knew-what that had encased you.

You had heard the sirens, muffled, in all directions as emergency responders had triaged the devastation. You had heard the cries of others nearby, too. Some of them had gotten lucky, like you; some of them hadn’t.

When they finally started digging through the library for people, your voice was already hoarse from screaming for help, but you’d kept on, desperate for escape.

Your minor scrapes and bruises had recovered before your voice, so in the days following the event, you’d kept your fears to yourself; crying alone when your body had gone into panic mode every time you tried to sleep - curled up in the dark.

--

Barnaby grabbed his largest umbrella and paced a bit, making a whining noise as he screwed up his courage.

Finally, he stepped out into the rain, umbrella mostly shielding him, and ran over to where you were. “Please come back inside?!” He crouched near you, holding out another open umbrella.

You looked up at him, still breathing erratically and looking confused about what was going on.

“Deep breaths, right? Four, seven, eight.”

You took the handle of the offered umbrella, only then realizing that you were quite wet, and nodded.

Together you inhaled to a count of four - timed by Barnaby’s head bobbing - held it for a count of seven, and then exhaled for a count of eight. Immediately you felt more grounded in the moment with him. 

After a few cycles of this, he glanced toward the house, still deeply uncomfortable.

“Better?” he asked hopefully.

You nodded.

“Inside?”

You hesitated, but nodded as you shivered from the cold. “Sure.”

He led you back to the house, disappearing immediately to leave you standing alone just inside the door, sopping wet. 

You looked down at the puddle you were making, and memories of Barnaby’s discomfort with rain and leaks flashed through your chaotic mind, making you feel guilty. 

Your pulse raced again, fear and anxiety telling you that you were making a mess; that you were being a burden; that Barnaby wouldn’t want you here; that he would stop being your friend.

He appeared again, wrapped in multiple towels and holding out a large one for you.

“I’m sorry, Barnaby,” you sobbed, pulling the towel he offered against your chest and face. “You were just trying to do something nice and now I’ve forced you out in the storm-”

“No, it’s- It’s fine, you- You panicked, it’s-”

“When the house shook, it was just like that time and I-”

You felt his hand squeeze your shoulder, and you sniffled, looking up from the towel to see him staring back at you solemnly.

“It’s alright. You’re alright.”

He searched your eyes, not quite sure yet what had set you off, but knowing that you needed to come out of that panicked response.

“Deep breaths.”

His steady voice and presence had a calming effect on you, and you felt yourself grounding into the moment.

You nodded and started to dry yourself off, counting the timing of your breaths as you broke eye contact with him in shame.

He pursed his lips, letting go of your shoulder.

He felt a drop of water run over his skin and his eye twitched, suddenly reminded of his own discomfort once again.

“I’ll be right back. Going to dry off and change. I’ll bring you something dry, too.”

“That’s okay, Barna…” You trailed off, looking up to see that he was already leaving the room.

---

You stared down at the mug of hot tea you were cradling. 

You were sitting on the couch opposite Barnaby again, dressed in a pair of joggers and a “Brains Matter” t-shirt that were too large for Barnaby; gifts from his brother Dennis, apparently.

You had both dried off, and Barnaby had refreshed the teapot to help warm you up after your soaking.

A thick silence had fallen between you, and you couldn’t bring yourself to look at him, afraid of the judgment you were sure you’d read on his face.

Barnaby shifted in his seat, tapping his fingers against his lap briefly as he anticipated sharing what he was about to.

“When I was in the clinic,” he began, taking off his glasses to clean them despite having done so several times already since going outside.

You glanced over to him, surprised that he was talking about that.

“They, um- They would drip water on us. It was- well- literally, torture. W-water torture. That’s why I…”

You nodded. Dennis had told you briefly about Barnaby’s time at the Deschler Clinic, by way of explaining his many quirks. It occurred to you now that Barnaby probably hadn’t given Dennis permission to do that.

“I’m sorry,” you offered, voice small. “That should never have happened to you.”

“No,” Barnaby almost laughed in anger. “No, it shouldn’t have.”

He leaned forward to pour himself another mug of tea.

“But I’ve learned to move forward. Therapy is helping again, and having someone to-” He glanced briefly at you. “Having you as a friend.”

You nodded, pursing your lips. You held your mug up to blow on the steaming liquid inside, listening to the sound of the rain outside, muffled by the sturdy house.

“I suppose you’re curious why I ran out.” “You don’t have to tell me-” “It was the shaking.”

He settled into his seat, watching you intently.

You put down your tea, then proceeded to explain to him how you’d been trapped in the rubble during the big earthquake a few years prior.

“When the ground rumbled like that… I thought- It’s happening again. I’m going to get stuck again, and-” You shut your mouth and eyes, trying to fight the hot tears that rolled over your cheek.

Barnaby got up, grabbing a box of tissues from one of his side tables, and moved to sit at your side. He tapped your knee with the box.

You tensed at his proximity, but took a tissue to try to clean yourself up.

“But you didn’t get stuck again,” he reassured you.

You nodded, looking down.

“It was hard, but you got through it, eh?”

“Mm.”

“Just like how I was able to go out to get you.”

In truth, he was feeling a significant amount of pride for how he’d handled it, already planning to cite the experience to his therapist.

“I’m so sorry, Barnaby. I made you do something like-” “No, it’s fine-”

“I completely overreacted. My body just panics, and sometimes I can’t stop it. I feel so foolish.” You pressed the tissue against your eyes, covering your face in shame. “I’m sorry.”

Barnaby hesitated as he reached out, then placed his warm hand on your back.

“You needn’t apologize for that. Not to me.”

He felt the rhythm of your breath as you forced yourself to calm down.

“Friends help each other,” he reminded you.

You let out a small, laughing huff. “I reckon.” You finished drying your face, feeling a bit better.

You turned to face him, and realized you were much closer than usual. His pale blue eyes were searching yours, his genuine concern for you evident. You glanced at his lips and then down again, feeling your heart in your throat as you imagined kissing him.

“Would you like a hug?” Barnaby offered, unsure.

It had been ages since he’d hugged someone, and he worried it might set off your claustrophobia, but he had a strong urge to comfort and protect you.

You nodded, humming in mild agreement. You leaned into him, reaching your arms under his to hold him from your awkward seat beside him.

His own arms wrapped around you, pulling you against him even more as he rested his head against the side of yours. “She’ll be right.”

You nodded, feeling safer in his hold than you’d expected. For a moment, it was more than you could have asked for, wrapped in his warmth and scent like the day he’d lent you his cardigan. 

You relaxed, the painful knot in your back easing as your body accepted that nothing terrible was likely to happen for now.

“Ta.”

-----

Tags: @leonxrdosreign @i-did-not-mean-to @the-butterfly-blues @fortheloveofdurin @ichoosechoasandbeingqueer @missihart23 @gayles55 @spngingerbread21

If you would like to be added or removed from a taglist please just let me know! :)

[euijoosorangeslice]

Story of a College Succubus p.3

warnings: alcohol and drug abuse, jake and Heeseung kiss, slight manipulation? non-con touching, filler episode.

You angrily laid in your bed, arms crossed. That little shit really did that to you. Such an asshole. Anyway, you decided to talk to the person you trusted the most. Your dear old mother.

“Y/n, finally you call me! How is it going at school sweetie?” She happily answered, making you laugh. “Hey, mom. The boys here are pretty good to feed from, except I just need to be more careful.” You spoke quietly, not wanting to alert your neighbors. “Well, that’s good to hear. Check your pendant, sweetheart, and tell me what color it is.”

You looked at the necklace on your neck and answered, “Red, but there’s white cracks in it.” You heard a light sigh, and suddenly your mother’s voice was hushed. “Sweetie, you are growing up. You know every life phase it changes, and you’re 18 now. You’re going to start having to feed directly from your targets. So dream hopping still works, but you’ll still be hungry.” You should be happy at this news, that you’re changing and growing, right?

But it only angered you further. Life was shitty right now and it was getting difficult to keep up. “Okay, mom. I’ll try.” You whispered, mind fogged with anger. “You know, your birthday is coming up soon. It’s already Tuesday, okay? On Saturday you’ll be turning 19. If you feel anything weird, call me. Your body should be going through transformation and you’ll be put into a very…needy phase.”

You blushed at the newfound information. “Try and find a partner to settle down with for the weekend. It’ll make it easier, and we both know college boys love to have sex. Shouldn’t be that hard.” You heard a loud shout in the back. “I’ll call you back, sweetie. Your idiot father hurt himself.” Your mom hung up, leaving you with a smile.

Find a partner, huh? Shouldn’t be too hard.

-

You checked your phone in the middle of class, seeing someone had sent out a group message with an invitation.

__________

party, delta kappa delta house

9:30

(courtesy of the sports club)

bring 🍃,❄️ and 🥃

(or hot bitches)

- sh

__________

Wow, so inviting. You closed out the message, hearing your teacher rant about kids these days and their phones.

Maybe you could closet shop for an outfit after class. It was already 3pm, so you’d spend the rest of the time getting ready anyway.

-

You took a shower, taking a couple more photos before you began to get dressed and do your makeup. You settled on a slight smoky eyed look, accompanied with a sexy black outfit with a skirts and a tight see through top, along with some black boots with silver accessories.

You struck a pose in the mirror, smirking to yourself. If the goal was to find a boyfriend, then you’d do just that tonight.

-

You walked into the fraternity house, seeing a nice, pale but very handsome man dressed in a black tight t shirt and some black jeans. “Heh, so there’s the beauty.” He spoke loudly, walking closer and closing you into the wall. “I’m Sunghoon, pretty much the president of DKD. Nice to meet you, sweetheart.” He smiled teasingly, making you raise an eyebrow. “Nice to meet you too, Sunghoon. I’m Y/n.” You replied, Sunghoon grabbing your waist. “Let’s go for a walk, okay?”

You complied, letting him walk with you on his arm. “So, Y/n. How’s it going for your first week here?” You scoffed at the question. “Well, everyone at school had seen my naked body. So not too great!” He sensed the agitation in your voice. “I think you need to…calm down a bit Y/n.” He whispered, pouring a shot into a cup. “Fixes all my problems anyways.”

You looked away, watching as a short young boy wandered around cluelessly. He was adorable, but he looked like the definition of social anxiety.

-

While you weren’t paying attention, Sunghoon pulled a pill out of his pocket and crushed it in his hand. He poured it into the cup, stirring it into the cup.

-

A girl strutted towards the young boy, a smirk on her face. “Hey, Harua.” She flirted, leaning against the counter. “O-oh! Hi. What’s up?” He answered cheerfully, making the girl chuckle. “We should like, make out. I think you’re really cute.” He blushed, fiddling with his fingers. “I- I’ve never kissed anyone before.” He mumbled, her playing with his hair. “That’s okay. I can teach you.” She blew him a kiss, pressing his cheek. It was obvious to anyone in the room that she was going to play him, but for Harua it wasn’t so obvious.

You sighed, wishing that you could tell the boy his future. But you were a stranger. Why would he listen to you?

-

“Here you go, beautiful. Now hurry on upstairs, everyone’s waiting for you.” Sunghoon smiled, taking your hand and leading you upstairs. He opened the door to a room, gasping loudly. You looked in, seeing Jake and Heeseung’s lips intertwined. “Dude, what the fuck are you doing?” Sunghoon shouted, making Jake jump in his position. You had to admit, he looked really hot with messed up hair and plump, swollen lips. You stopped questioning why it felt like your vision was closing in.

“Experimenting, why?” Heeseung said, laughing and it was obvious in his tone he was drunk. “Well, I brought a new toy to play with.” You looked at him in confusion, lacking vision for a blink until you felt yourself fall into his arms. “She’s such a pretty girl. I can’t wait to get inside her.” Jake whispered, caressing your forehead.

You wanted to fight back, but you just let your body slip into unconsciousness.

-

You awoke to the sound of guys arguing, seeing the boy you had met on campus earlier getting into an argument with Sunghoon. “Dude, what the fuck?! Just because she’s hot doesn’t mean you can roofie her!” Nicholas shouted, Sunghoon rolling his eyes. “Fine, just take her. I’m not even that horny anymore.” He pushed past Nicholas, who walked up to you and grabbed you bridal style. “It’s okay, Y/n. We’ll go to my place.”

You softly smiled, still too weak to talk and leaned into Nicholas’s touch.

prev//next

[slickshoesareyoucrazy]

Stupid Hope

Hey, A. This is what I do at your grave now. I write a Tumblr essay to you because I'm still not going to talk out loud to you in the ground. I guess at least I'm not that crazy. (Yet.)

Your cup of rocks is still on your headstone. I guess I'm happy they're all still there. I added the ones I found for you in Ireland and Paris. J wanted me to bring British pound coins and leave them here. "But I guess you'd have to press those into the ground, which I'd guess you don't wanna do. I don't think people will leave money alone, even if it's not our money and the exchange rate and fees are shitty." 😂

Anyway, life continues to be a scavenger hunt full of your invisible, untouchable presence. Like Randy Newman's I Think It's Gonna Rain Today on my drive to work? Again...neither subtle nor funny. J told me to come today because it would be marginally less hot than yesterday, but I was afraid of rain. It wasn't raining when I left for the library this morning, but it rained the whole drive here to the cemetery. And miraculously (?) it quit when I got out of the car. With your rocks. After fucking Welcome to the Black Parade played as I turned into the cemetery. The Boy has noticed that. I have a Spotify playlist that's a catch all. I keep it on random. It has like 5000 songs in it...hours of music...every genre. There are exactly 3 My Chemical Romance songs on it. One of them plays whenever we're talking about you. Once all three of them played in the same 40 minute car ride. "That's fucking weird, Mom."

Anyway I guess I appreciate the rain. I'm here by myself again because who comes to the cemetery in the rain? Apparently me.

So I gave this piece a title. Stupid Hope. Because man, it's been a while since I've been here because of traveling and a new driver's license and other family stuff. I was really hoping to see that someone else had been here. I perked up a little because the stranger next to you has flowers and I thought they were yours for a second. But of course not. No one else has been here. And that honestly makes grieving harder, man. If someone else was here, it would feel real. And I'm still having a rough time with that. The old social anxiety and insecure attachment I've dragged around my whole life but was never there with you is there with you now. No one else is coming here so Stupid Jen Anxiety Brain says you aren't really dead. This is just an elaborate and complicated ruse to get rid of me. I'm the only one coming because you're not really here. You're still alive and happy somewhere just without me bothering you. Which in itself is Stupid Hope. Denial. That's just a fancier word for Stupid Hope.

I'm still amazed that every book I'm reading is grief related. It's you related. It's us related. I'm trying to accept you're here and that you wouldn't ditch me in such a dastardly complex way. You died. What the fuck, man? Obviously I'm not angry with you for dying but you did keep my Stupid Hope alive because you so consistently killed the Insecure Attachment monster. Shit, man, you were better at it than J, and that's really saying something. I try reaching out to other people. Kind people. People I love. L and D and online friends. People who do come back and show up if I extend myself enough but like...shit dude, you spoiled me. I never was afraid to be too much for you. You didn't ever let me feel that. You reached back. Other people just don't. Except J, but he lives in my actual house with me, so asterisk. I miss you so badly still every day. I'm so fucking lonely. And scared. I had a nightmare about J last night. That one I always have had, but it's the first time I've had it since you died. J said maybe in a way that's good, like I'm getting back to normal...'my old self' (he's got a lot of Stupid Hope too, I guess). But it's just abject terror of just how truly alone I'd be if I lost J now. It's even scarier now than it used to be because now I don't have, "Call A," as a coping option. And now I'm hot because it's not raining and there's just barely enough of a breeze to make the wind chimes go in this tree to my right (your left I guess). At least there's finally some grass here now. I'll come back in a few weeks. Or when you start making all the songs on the random car radio play titles with 'Rock' in them again. (Real rocks not rock n roll...I Am a Rock...We Want a Rock...Loves Me Like a Rock...) Or all the book titles that pop up in the holds lists or book bins to check in at work are about graves and cemeteries in fucking July (not October or Memorial Day).

I'll always come back with my Stupid Hope as long as you keep it alive like that still. You're still my best friend. I love you. But I'm going home for real now because yuck. 🥵🥵🥵

[albatris]

Tell me about grub! I love grub!

grub!!!!

here she is, courtesy of the lovely @polyacerine :3c

Grub is Nat's rescue kitty from a local shelter! she was a..... gift? surprise? I guess?? from Quinn, although not without ulterior motives >:3

basically Quinn and Alex are attempting to win Nat’s trust and get him to depend on them or even just to LIKE them to start with, but they don’t really. know. an awful lot of useful information about him because he’s sorta paranoid and cagey. two facts they do know are that 1. he likes animals, especially cats and 2. he’s excruciatingly pathetically lonely

Quinn wants to integrate Nat into some of their own social circles and help him make some friends, but for the first week or so after turning he’s too nervous to leave his apartment except for work. he’s super fucking intimidated by other vampires, Alex included, and he doesn’t want anything to do with humans because of his newfound tendency to want to eat them

so Quinn eventually gives up trying to coax this anxious trainwreck of a vampire into getting out of the house and starting to be a person again n is just like. fuck it. maybe I’ll just throw a cat at him?? he’s just spiraling into a crisis all on his own, he’s barely willing to talk to us, and this will maybe be a foot in the door in terms of getting him comfortable being around other living creatures again??

so they get him a cat. Nat is home one day when a delivery of pet supplies arrives and he's like "nononono this must be a mistake I didn't order this and I don't have a pet" and the delivery person is just like. well it's addressed to you so! good luck!

and Nat is busy going hhuhhh???? about this when Quinn arrives and asks to be buzzed up to the apartment, and convince him by going “hey I brought you some blood for snacks <3” but then when they get up there they’re like “AND ALSO HERE’S A PET CAT TOO”

anyway, he’s initially super nervous about having a cat living with him although he LOVES her. because he doesn’t want to accidentally hurt her if he gets stressed out or hungry ;-; Quinn talks him into it by insisting that she is the least appetising creature on the planet because she is Genuinely Just That Ugly and also smells real weird. like literally what vampire would want to eat this. Nat is like hmmm yeah ok

so he acquires a cat!

she was a stray before she got to the shelter n has obviously been through some rough times, though has clearly been a housecat in the past, she loves people :3 she’s old! she’s got elevator music in her brain! she’s blind in one eye and near deaf in both ears! she’s got scars! she’s missing half her tail! she’s fluffy! she likes to murder shoelaces and make beeping noises!

she’s a bit skittish at first, but doesn’t take long to warm up to Nat c: she’s very VERY needy and affectionate, she cries whenever he’s not home, and will snuggle right up next to him on the pillow when he’s asleep. they’re both very glad to have a friend I think c:

vampires are creatures who are instinctively drawn to being warm and cosy and cuddly, so vampires and cats pair well together hehe

he can’t go anywhere in his apartment without her trailing after him and yelling for attention and love. Quinn finds this vaguely annoying. Nat loves it and it makes his heart melt n this weird little cat is responsible for like 90% of his emotional wellbeing. Grub stops him from spiraling too badly.... like, Nat just likes to feel needed and useful and loved, and he enjoys having something to look after and be responsible for :3 plus it's a friendship that's a little easier to manage with his schizotypal anxiety and paranoia, not that Quinn put THAT much thought into it

man idk if Nat actually genuinely doesn’t believe Grub is ugly or whether he just refuses to narrate as such. either way, he’s horrified when other people insult her, but like. yeah. he’s well aware most people find her somewhat bad to look at, and he takes great joy in showing people the EXTENSIVE collection of Grub pictures on his phone and going “isn’t she cute?? isn’t she the most beautiful cat you’ve ever seen?? she’s perfect and adorable right?? right??” in a cheerful-but-increasingly-threatening voice. and watching people squirm and lie through their teeth. because he’s a bastard and he finds it very funny

he does this to some random guy Quinn’s kidnapped and handcuffed to a chair for him to eat at one point and this poor guy is like. fucking sweating bullets and internally screaming just sort of like……. what kind of sick power play is this…. is this normal vampire behaviour….. is this guy going to rip my throat out if I don’t say his cat is cute convincingly enough….. what the fuck is happening

whereas Nat’s thought process is just “I have zero interest in actually eating this guy but he is handcuffed to a chair with no means of escape which means I can ramble to him as long as I want. of course I am going to take advantage of this for a while lmao”

hmmmmm and one wholesome fact is that Nat often makes Grub extremely fancy little homecooked meals when he feeds her. like. healthy safe meals for cats! but still just. yep. he lovingly cooks for her frequently. this is also funny because Nat is a vegetarian and refuses to cook meat for any of his friends (except Lloyd occasionally), but WILL cook meat specially for his cat

he will also make up little nonsense songs about how cute and special she is and he will sing these to her while dancing with her around the apartment. it is incredibly silly and incredibly cute. I cannot emphasise enough how much he adores her

aaaaand this has been Grub Facts with monday!!! have an excellent day :D

[autisticgirliesbracket]

What makes Futaba Sakura from Persona 5 the autistic girlie ever of all time? Here's what the people have to say:

Futaba-related asks/reblogs: x This post will be updated after each round!

Image ID in alt text and under the readmore.

[Image ID. White slide with a screenshot of Futaba in the bottom left corner. She is surrounded by text boxes which read,

"She’s a hikkikomori and a hacker genius. She initially has bad social anxiety due to trauma and does not leave her room."

"She's just like me fr fr (im autistic girlie)"

"Generally described as being incredibly introverted and socially anxious, however having no problem opening up if the conversation is about something that interests her. She also has a deep interest in hacking and computers (if the protagonist claims to have built his own PC, she asks for the specific details on it, such as GPU, CPU, RAM, ect.) There are more details I feel are autistic but I'm not sure how to word them !!"

"Talks in Video Game references and wired expressions. At one point she leaves a conversation because an Anime she wanted to watch was on. Helped me come to terms with my own Autism. Covered her face with a weird mask and a towel (separate events) because she didn't want to show her face in Public. Gets pissed off that someone messes with the her Neo Featherman Figure (basically the Persona equivalent of Power Rangers or Super Sentai). Overall just a massive nerd."

"First of all: The way she sits . little gremlin girl. Second of all. Social awkwardness (she has SO MUCH). Third. She's 15 years old and an international hacker, i mean come on, you cant DO THAt unless youre at least a little autistic. 4. Constantly tries to wear things over her head to avoid being looked at. Five. Her room is the dirtiest place on the planet, filled with snacks and figurines etc. Sixth. Look come on please shes autistic"

"She has social anxiety, doesn't really understand social norms and relates a lot of her real life experiences to video games. She also hyperfixates on the things she's working on and says a lot of strange things without thinking about it."

"Futaba is intensely afraid of social interaction (living in her room for years, unable to exit the house without a meltdown), including her almost constantly wearing headphones (which, to be, read as sensory comfort items). She's only really comfortable around her close friends and family, around who she becomes a lot more excitable and energetic. She has deep and passionate interests in the things she loves, and tends to become hyper focused on whatever shes tasked herself with, even neglecting her own health during which. It's very easy to equate her love of video games to a special interest, as it influences the way she sees the world, to the point where she calls the main character her "key item", since he helps her agoraphobia, saying she needs to "level up" to improve her social skills. To top it all off, her voice actress, Erica Lindbeck, has stated that she played Futaba as if she was autistic."

"Girl had so much autism stored in her body."

"It is very obvious in nearly everything she does that they intended for her to be autistic. Literally just watch almost any cutscene with her and you'll see it (well. Ideally after her palace is taken care of since she's going through stuff and the 'tism is less obvious as a result)"

"she is soooo autism girlswag coded. When you first befriend her and hang out, the characters all have trouble sort of connecting with her, but once they realize they are being way too obnoxiously formal/normal they start asking her about stuff she is interested in, which then she talks very excitedly about. Im sort of passively watching someone play persona 5 so i might have gotten something wrong but eee she is so coded to me <3 and not in a bad way imo ik sometimes things can be TOO stereotypical but yknow yknow"

"Struggles with social interactions, special interest in computers and video games, her English voice actor intentionally played her with the idea that she's autistic."

"She's obsessed with and so good with computers she was a world reknowned hacker before the story even began, she struggles with interacting with people and was bullied through out her entire childhood for being "weird" and being able to memorize books and other things. Her outfits almost always include her wearing headphones (which i personally hc to be to reduce sounds) and there are scenes where she experiences sensory overload that turns into panic attacks. A lot of her character arc is about how after a personal tragedy she completely isolated herself from the outside world and now shes trying to ease back into interacting with people with the support of her family and new friends. When trying to connect with her, the quickest way they got her to relax and open up was when one character got her talking about an in universe sentai show she loves. Also her English voice actor said in interviews that she performed Futaba with her being autistic in mind because everything abt her character just reads as autistic and seeing someone struggle w the same issues I did was super important to me when i got into p5."

"Futaba is incredibly autistic-coded. She couldn’t leave her room or speak to strangers due to trauma, but she also was “quirky” before the trauma. She’s a computer genius and can get so obsessed with her work that she doesn’t hear or acknowledge other people. She wears headphones almost all the time and sits with her knees up (odd posture). Lastly, her mother was known to also be “odd” and was also very absorbed in her work. Autism is often inherited, so my personal read is that both of them are autistic. I’m missing lots of things I’m sure but she’s the best."

"All of her interests are special <3, major social anxiety, partially nonverbal (just like me fr), one of the only people she's constantly jokingly mean to is also very autistic coded which idk if that's a me experience but i can only be joke mean to other autistic people. allistics wouldn't understand. She cannot sit properly!!! Very important she has that autistic ball sitting position"

"She’s a genius hacker nerd who up until certain events in the game never left her room or her house due to trauma. She’s gets nervous and overwhelmed very easily once she starts expanding her comfort zone, but she doesn’t let that stop her. At certain points when she has to interact with people she isn’t comfortable with she puts on a disturbing doll head mask. At one point she has a miniature meltdown in the middle of a crowded store, because she tried pushing her boundaries a little too fast and got overwhelmed until the protagonist was able to find her. She loves anime and collects figurines and gets annoyed when her display of them is messed with. Her personality is socially awkward and kind of bratty when she’s comfortable and I don’t mean that in a negative way at all, she’s great!"

"very bad with people, obsessed with programing and Nerd Shit, i love her and she is very cool"

"she has a massive special interest in technology, her entire character arc is helping her learn to socialize, she sits like a GREMLIN"

"she is a epic hacker gamer girl so we are within the margins for trans and autism, she has a hard time with eye contact, she has intense social anxiety and wahooooooo she has the special interests !! on a side note she has chronic fatigue so damn just like me fr!! and shes so fun!! ack!!!" End ID.]

[pjsk-writin]

I had an idea for Rui and Mizuki with a shut-in reader, it can be either platonic or romantic idc.

Foreground: The reader used to be friends with the two of them in middle school, as they were another social outcast. The reader stops showing up to lunch one day without a word.

Present day: Mizuki or Rui run into the reader outside, and they're both happy to see eachother, but the reader is a complete ball of anxiety. It turns out that after some severe bullying, the reader left school and went full hikikomori. They work online and only ever leave their apartment to get groceries, and they've developed a fear of just going outside.

Feel free to pass on this if it's too angsty, I'm kinda just projecting my life onto a pjsekai prompt XD

waaa its ok dw, im doing this separately unless you wanted them combined, and ill leave it up for interpretation- i hope you like this!! <3

♡ OUTCASTS - Rui Kamishiro and Mizuki Akiyama x Reader

Rui:

Rui was used to people pushing him away for being weird, so he was always grateful for you and Mizuki's presence

He was expecting one of you two to leave him eventually. It still hurt when it was you though

Fast-forward to a couple years later. Rui has become an expert with robotics, and is well known for his eccentric plans

He was buying some more parts for his robots when he bumped into you

He would pause, looking you over before calling your name cautiously. Your eyes widened before you mumbled, "Rui?..." "Ah, so you do remember me! I thought you had forgotten about me completely back then." There was barely hidden hurt laced in his tone

You had detected it, and was quick to stumble an apology out. You spoke about how you had been bullied, how you shut yourself in your room, how you had grown a fear of going outside for anything except your essentials

And then, the hurt was gone, replaced by sympathy. "Ah, is that so?" He hummed, placing a hand on your head and patting you, "I apologize, I would've tried to help if I knew...How about I make it up to you?"

After that run-in, he went over to your house often. He would come with his robotics, and would talk and catch up with you as he worked. Sometimes, he'd bring Nene with him, since you were acquainted with her when you were younger

He makes a robot for you, one very similar to Robo-Nene that you can use. It can leave the house, and you were able to maneuver it from the comforts of your home. Rui would just need to accompany the robot to make sure that things didn't go wrong. He'd do anything for you though <3

Mizuki:

Mizuki was learning a lot about themself during middle school, so it was a show of trust that they let you and Rui into their life when they did

Of course, that made the sting of you suddenly not meeting with them worse. They could never find you at school either. Where did you go?...

Fast-forward to a couple of years later. Mizuki had become more sure of themself, and was as comfortable as they could be in their identity today

They were out buying groceries when they bumped into you, and it was a shock for you both

They called your name with awe, and you stared at them for a bit before your eyes went wide. "Mizuki?..." "Yeah! How have you been? I haven't seen you since..." They would trail off, looking to the side before sighing. "Ah well, that's in the past-"

You stutter out an apology before quickly and quietly explaining what had happened. When the bullying had become too much, you had shut yourself in your room, too anxious to do much outside except buy groceries

They had nodded the whole time, a sad smile on their face. "Ah, I'm sorry it reached that point..." They took your hand, squeezing it gently, "You're like one of my friends- I won't force you to go out too much, but we should really meet up again. I missed you!"

So, after that day, they go over to your house as much as they can. Sometimes, they call Niigo while they're at your house, and introduce you to them! You and Kanade bond over your hatred of going outside

They buy a lot of gifts for you since they know you fear going outside. Ena asks why they have so many bags and they respond that they're for a very special person <3

[knighthelm-aes]

Fun work story:

So we had a little fun employee get together after lunch (paid!) and one of the challenges was balancing this rubber frisbee on your head whilst doing an obstacle course (very basic and small)

My coworker and I watched the demo and she said, “I grew up in the 70’s we used to balance books on our heads because we had nothing to do”

Me: “We did that too, plus my parents were pretty strict about posture”

Coworker: “Oh I’m sorry to hear that, that’s weird”

Me: “Oh no it’s fine they were Catholic and just strict on a lot of things”

She laughed and fist bumped me which I’m pretty sure was solidarity for also having very strict Catholic parents (she’s mentioned them before). Then she made me do the obstacle course and we won the best time (with the other two people on my team it wasn’t just me)

It reads like a “and then everybody clapped” reddit story but in reality I was an anxious mess. I like begged them not to make me do it but I realized being too firm would cause more of a scene so I just did it as quickly as possible. I think it was good more me in the end. I realized it was because there was a big crowd of people and my agoraphobia was really acting up. Straight up cold + clammy nervous sweats. This is kind of a new reaction I’ve been having to anxiety lately and I noticed it started when I had to take care of all the bugs in my house.

Hoping losing some weight will fix that issue, but also am going to try and add some more mindfulness stuff to my day and maybe try to get out more. I really don’t want to get to the point where I’m like throwing up when I need to leave the house etc.

But all in all it was fun and I socialized as much as I could bear. I kind of realized I was going to end up feeling like a weird loner and just accepted it lol. Oh well 😅 it’s work

[atwooozi]

Almost Perfect (Sebastian x Fem!Farmer) Chapter 8: Frog Season?

Warnings: Slow burn, personal struggles, anxiety, depression, eventual smut

Summary: Sebastian's internal struggle with social anxiety and unexpected feelings as he grapples with embarrassment, the upcoming flower dance, and his interactions with the new farmer, Angeline.

A/N: I feel like I alternate between hating a chapter and liking the one after it. I really enjoyed this chapter. I can't really give an exact reason why I like it but I just do. I hope you like it too.

READ ON AO3

Spring 14

Frog season? Sebastian groaned to himself as he played the interaction back in his head for the third time. He could imagine Sam laughing at him if he told him about his interaction with the farmer. It sounded like something Vincent would say! Was he on par socially with Vincent of all people; an eight year-old? 

Maybe this was a sign that Sebastian should just throw himself into the lake. It sounded like a good idea considering the painful interaction he had with the farmer and the fact that the flower dance was coming up. Truly, drowning in the lake willingly was better than living with the embarrassment that he was constantly put through. The idea of having to force himself into the definitely too tight baby blue pants and forced to do some weird dance was excuse enough to disappear.  

Sebastian stopped at his spot near the lake and looked at his reflection in the water. He wasn’t actually going to throw himself in the lake, but it sure felt tempting. He flicked the ash off his cigarette before bringing it back to his lips, taking a drag. 

Sebastian needed to get a grip. He felt like his anxiety was making him extra sensitive lately. Even if it was embarrassing the interaction he had with the farmer wasn’t terrible. It actually felt pretty good. He was the one that caused her to laugh and to smile, her dimples to show. He liked it. He wished he didn’t, though. He wished that she were annoying like Hayley, or a bit more abrasive than Abby so he could just brush her off and not care about her. He didn’t care about her, but enjoyed her reactions. Sebastian started to wonder what other reactions he’d be able to get out of her. 

Sebastian shook his head and sighed, smoke filling the air around him. He shouldn’t think of her like that. He really shouldn’t be thinking about her, period. He had a plan that he needed to stick to. 

~*~

Sebastian finished his cigarette and made his way towards the house. As he walked past the foyer and into the kitchen he caught a glimpse of Demitrius and Maru working in the lab with their… potato samples? Whatever.

“Sebby!” Robin smiled “Want some tea? I got some new leaves from Caroline today.” 

Sebastian shook his head, “Nah, I’m feeling kind of on edge lately.” He leaned against the counter and put his hands in his pockets. 

Robin frowned at that and pursed her lips in thought, “Is there anything I can do honey?”

Sebastian shook his head, “No, just one of those days.” He mumbled as he rubbed that back of his neck. 

Robin nodded and took a sip of her tea. There was a beat of silence between the two before Robin decided to lift the more somber mood. “You seem to be getting along with the new farmer.” 

“She’s more of Sam and Abby’s friend.” 

“You guys seemed pretty close to me.” Robin shrugged and a smirk spread across her face. 

Sebastian frowned at the red head across from him. “Mom, were you watching us?” He groaned at the thought. He knew that she meant well but it was all just so embarrassing to think about. 

“I just happened to look over that way.” Robin held her hands up in defense. “You two looked cute.” She giggled. 

“Mom, stop, please.” Sebastian felt his face flush. “I am going to put my head in the oven.” 

“But I need to cook dinner still.” Robin laughed harder and patted her son’s arm before wiping a faux tear away from her eye, “She’s a cute girl, Seb. Don’t miss your chance.” Robin finished her tea and left the kitchen, leaving Sebastian alone. 

Sebastian ran his hand through his hair and sighed. His mom was truly the worst at times. He loved her dearly, but the last thing he wanted from her was dating advice. 

He made his way down to his room and plopped himself down in his desk chair. He felt tired, but his nerves had his body feeling wired. He figured that since he would have a hard time forcing himself to sleep so he decided to work on some projects instead. It would keep him occupied hopefully until his body could catch up with the rest of him.

~*~

Working on projects instead of trying to sleep did not help in the slightest, in fact, Sebastian felt worse off. He had been staring at the same few lines of code for what felt like hours.

What’s wrong with him? Sebastian wasn’t sure. He hadn’t felt sure about anything for sometime now and instead of it being worrisome it was just fucking annoying. 

He grabbed his hoodie, his lighter, and a small tin from his desk drawer and made his way towards the lake. Maybe weed would take the edge off because the nicotine wasn’t helping.

Sebastian closed the door behind him and made his way towards his spot by the lake, but was stopped in his tracks when he saw someone else there. At first glance he figured it was just Linus, but no the silhouette was smaller. He slowly made his way over towards the edge of the lake a little further off and noticed that it was the farmer. Why was she here? In his spot. 

Sebastian went to move further down near the plank bridge when a twig snapped under his feet, causing the farmer to look over. 

“Shit” Sebastian mumbled under his breath. 

“Sebastian?” She called out as she tried to make out his figure in the darkness. 

Debating on whether ignoring her would be creepy or rude Sebastian reluctantly opened his mouth. “Yeah…” He stepped out from the shadows and walked towards her and his spot. “Hey.” 

“What are you doing here?” She asked as she stared up at him looking a bit confused by his presence. 

Sebastian frowned and returned her confused gaze with a confused look of his own. “Well, I decided to get some fresh air.” He looked out at the lake and at the reflection of the moon. “Why are you outside my house?” 

There was a beat of silence. Sebastian was usually comfortable with silence. In fact, he welcomed silence, but for some reason when she didn’t speak up right away he almost felt like he should apologize. He went to open his mouth to do so, but then she spoke. 

“...I don’t know.” She said as she joined Sebastian in looking at the reflection of the moon. 

Sebastian glanced at the girl standing next to him. He couldn’t read her expression. Was she sad about something? He wasn’t sure. Sebastian took in her features in the moonlight. She really did look like a doll to him. He wanted to run a finger down the slope of her nose, as odd as it might’ve sounded. If someone asked him why he wouldn’t be able to explain it he just wanted to. She glanced over at Sebastian and when they made eye contact her features seemed to soften slightly. “What?” She asked with a slight smile forming on her pouty lips. 

Sebastian quickly tried to think of what to say and his hands instinctively went into the pocket of his hoodie. “Do you want to smoke?” He said as he pulled out the small tin from his pocket. Good save. 

The farmer looked down at the tin for a moment and then looked up at Sebastian with a small smile and shook her head. “No thanks…I don’t smoke.” She said and looked away. Was she embarrassed that she didn’t smoke? 

 “...Do you mind?” Sebastian asked as he opened the small tin. He wasn’t sure why he was even asking. His whole purpose for being out here was to smoke. What did he care if she was here? She was in his spot for Yoba’s sake. If anything she was intruding. 

She shook her head. “I don’t.” Well that stopped his train of thought. 

Sebastian took out a joint and put it between his lips before lighting it. He inhaled and held it for a moment before blowing the smoke into the cool night air. He felt himself start to relax despite the farmer being there. He wondered why she was still here anyway. She wasn’t bothering him, but he’d imagine that she must be uncomfortable with him there, neither of them talking, and him smoking. 

“Aren’t you cold?” Sebastian asked, he was surprised to hear himself speak. It surprised her too it seemed. She thought about it for a second and nodded as she hugged herself and rubbed her arms. Sebastian shifted getting ready to take off his hoodie to give it to her. He wasn’t exactly sure why. If it were Abigail he would’ve just let her be cold. 

“A little, but it feels kind of nice.” The farmer said as she interrupted his movements. “...I guess being alone on a holiday wasn’t something I was exactly ready for.” 

Sebastian inhaled smoke and gave a deep exhale before answering, coughing slightly. “You’ve never spent a holiday on your own before?” 

She gave a thoughtful look, the one he liked. He supposed it wasn’t intentional after all like he thought when he first met her. “Technically yes, but in the city you’re never truly alone.” She sighed. “For me, it feels a bit lonely here.” 

Sebastian nodded as he listened to her reasoning and put his hands in his pockets. He felt the exact opposite. This place felt suffocating. He could understand what she was saying, but didn’t feel quite the same. “I guess.” 

She chuckled and he glanced over at her. “Sorry, it’s just the look on your face.” She shook her head and looked ahead, smiling to herself. Her dimples were visible and she was trying to hold back her laughter. “You’re pretty hard to read, but you looked like you thought I was crazy just then. 

Sebastian couldn’t help but smirk a little. He did think she was a bit crazy. Usually something like this would probably have made him annoyed, but for some reason with the farmer it didn’t. She sighed and looked back at Sebastian. “It’s late.” Was it? Sebastian wasn’t exactly sure. “I should be going.” Sebastian wanted to protest almost. To his own surprise he was actually enjoying the farmer’s company. The thought of her leaving left him feeling a bit lonely despite coming here to smoke alone. 

“Thanks for keeping me company, Sebastian.” Angeline said with a small smile and waved, heading down the woods towards her farm. 

“Yeah later, Angeline.” Sebastian said softly as he watched her leave. 

[whentherewerebicycles]

here is a scruffy little angel! ok I feel pretty fragile inside from a week of bad sleep & an especially terrible insomnia experience last night but I am trying to be brave about it. two of my grad school friends I haven’t seen in forever are in town this weekend and I am v excited about that!!! I always get weird homebody inertia around social stuff but then I have a great time (like last night I really dragged my feet on hanging out with M&A in the park/getting dinner after and then it was so much fun) so I just have to commit to stuff even if I feel like socially hibernating. when it comes to most social things my instincts are not a reliable guide to what will actually make me happy. so tonight I will meet up with them for dinner/drinks and then tomorrow we will hang out at the lake.

here are some things I’d like to do with the day:

finish young mungo which is absolutely gutting ughhh so painful but so good. I kind of want to put up my hammock and read somewhere without distractions but can’t decide if it’s too much effort. mm tbd.

work on writing meme prompts (this has been v good for me it’s forcing me to dig into scene writing/revision which for whatever reason is the thing I’ve built up the most writer’s block anxiety around)

the house is a tip right now it’s not dirty really just super untidy and the clutter is making me feel on edge. I think I need to do a few song-timed bursts of putting stuff in its proper place and ugh I might actually start with that so my brain feels calmer about other stuff

fold laundry

long walk with dogs because I didn’t walk them at all yesterday… I can tell I am avoiding walks partly because it’s a bit hotter out and partly because I’m getting Walk Boredom with our usual route. I think I’ll drive them to the slightly farther-out forest (4 min instead of 2 min haha) because it’ll be cooler and kinda interesting/new. also if I’m feeling really motivated I could do a very short run after I drop them off at home—I’m talking like, 3 min run / 3 min walk times 3 short haha. gotta ease back into it somehow.

pick something to wear well in advance of leaving. otherwise I will get so stressed later on and will end up running way later than I mean to & being way more amped up when I leave. why are clothes so stressful to me literally no one cares and I feel like people care even less in this city than anywhere else I’ve ever lived lol

shower around 3:30/4 so I can be ready to leave between 5-6ish

mm okay that all seems good. I think now it’s time to get up and do my first burst of song cleaning… maybe I will do all too well 10 min version + I can see you.

[timeoverload]

I don't understand why you are so afraid of me. I don't think I am very scary. I try to be welcoming but maybe I'm not doing a very good job. I know I have hurt your feelings in the past and I think that was due to my lack of understanding. I know I'm not a perfect person. I'm sorry for that and I never want to hurt you again. I would take good care of you and I know that I can be an amazing partner. I am very loyal. I don't know why you can't just give me a chance.

I am not trying to be impatient with you or be pushy. I know you are having a hard time right now. I know it's not easy to step out of your comfort zone.

I have to do that every time I come to see you. Of course I love seeing you and coming to the shop. I just get so nervous every time that I feel sick and forget how to act normal. I have literally had panic attacks in the car because my social anxiety is so bad. I think it was the worst when I tried to come to see you on walk-in days because I didn't know what was going to happen and it was very stressful for me.

I don't leave my house to see anyone else but you and my family. I don't hang out with friends outside of work or anything like that anymore. I don't have any extensive conversations with anybody and my phone rarely goes off unless someone is calling me trying to get my money. I think I have gone out with friends by myself less than 5 times in the past 10+ years because I wasn't allowed to go out alone for such a long time. I became so isolated when I moved to Florida and I had no friends down there and it only got worse when I moved back to Nebraska. I also wasn't allowed to have friends over either and I tried a couple times but it didn't end well. I think I became used to the feeling of isolation unfortunately. I have always had trouble socializing since I was a kid so that definitely doesn't help. I'm not sure if I can fix that because I have been trying my entire life. I am just weird I guess.

I don't think I have gone out to do anything since I moved back home. I haven't gone to any concerts. I can't remember the last time I went out to eat at a restaurant or to a bar. I don't go outside unless I'm driving somewhere or walking from the parking lot to and from work. I have to have a blood test on Friday and I think my vitamin D levels are very low because I rarely see the sun anymore unless I'm looking through the window. The world scares me more now because I've had a lot of bad experiences.

I don't know if you have the same problems with social anxiety or not but I totally understand if you do. It's not easy to deal with.

I want you to know that I'm not going to stop you from doing the things you enjoy or living your life. You are free to do the things that make you happy. All I ask is that you spend time with me when you can. I wouldn't force you to spend all of your time with me. I understand the need for quiet time. I'm not controlling. I would like to make your life easier and I don't want to stress you out.

If you have a problem with something I'm doing, you can just tell me. I'm not going to get mad about anything unless you yell at me or something. I would hope you wouldn't do that though. I know you are very caring and you have been gentle towards me in person. I avoid confrontation as much as possible because I don't like fighting.

I think it's kind of funny how we both sit in our rooms alone all the time. I don't understand why we can't sit together in OUR room. I think it would be more enjoyable than having to stalk each other on the internet. It isn't good for either of us. I also want you to know that I believe in you and I love you.

Anyway, it has been a long day. I don't want to stay up too late since I woke up too early because I couldn't stop coughing. Sometimes my acid reflux causes me to have coughing fits in the middle of the night. It doesn't happen as often as it used to but it's annoying when it does. If I go to the doctor, they will probably just put me on a PPI again and last time it hurt me more than it helped me. I got put on omeprazole for gastritis about 6 months before I got my kidney infection that caused sepsis. I read a study recently about how proton pump inhibitors can increase the risk of infections and suppress the immune system. They can also increase the amount of E. Coli bacteria in the body which is the strain of bacteria that caused my infection. I am going to stay far away from that stuff.

Work wasn't very exciting. I wasn't that busy and my cases should have been done at 3 but they added another one for 5 so I had to do other things for 2 hours while I waited. I only had to stay 30 minutes late. I suppose I shouldn't complain because I got off at 4 yesterday. I don't have any cases in the morning tomorrow. Thursday might be busy unless the weather gets bad again. I am planning on getting groceries tomorrow after work just in case.

It's getting late and I feel like I'm just rambling now. I don't really want to make food because I ate a lot earlier. I have some blueberry muffins I need to eat before they go bad so I will probably have those and some other snacks. I will probably get ready for bed after that because I'm already having trouble keeping my eyes open. Hopefully tomorrow is a good day.

I hope everyone else has a great day tomorrow too!!! 💖💖💖

[eyes-talks-ocs]

HELLO THERE! LOOK AT ME, I'M GONNA ATTEMPT TO DO A THING! [And I'm late to the party by a few days, like usual 😅]

I didn't get the chance to participate in Whumptober like I have the past few years, and NaNo has always intimidated me. But when I saw @winterandwords putting on this event, I just had to jump on it. Not only is it low to no pressure. Which is perfect for me since there has been NO CHILL in my life this year. But also I've been meaning to work more on myself, especially with the no chill I've had.

---

Writing Goals:

🗯️ Fix up the new beginning chapters in Social Throwaways - earlier this year I realized I had started my project in the wrong place story wise, and that's why I was having such a hard time writing the beginning and trying to move forward with it. So now I have the task of moving over all the important scenes and info from all the scrapped chapters in the beginning....so yeah...sifting through about 30,000 words and trying to figure out where and how I'm gonna weave all the important world/character building into the current new beginning chapters.

🗯️Try and get to Ch 20 - I'm on Ch 16 right now. Not going to push myself too hard on this goal. My chapters tend to be chonky boys. Averaging 5,500 to 6,500 words. 😬 But if I can get just a couple chapters done and moved forward, I'd be happy.

🗯️Work more on character voice - Just as it sounds, make my character's dialogue have more unique personality. Macaw is easy, he's always had his own distinct voice. But a few of my other characters I feel sound too similar to one another.

🗯️If you think it's weird, make it weirder - taking inspiration from a post I saw a while back. I need to get over the 'purity culture' that's around writing and media. I need to get over the fear of being ruthlessly burned at the stake for writing "bad people", "taboo topics", "grey morals", and just having brutal scenes by deranged individuals. I need to learn just to ignore the posts picking apart media and trying to socially castrate the authors/creators. Basically, 'fuck you, I'm doing what I'm doing, because I know that writing certain topics doesn't mean I support them...'

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Self Care Goals:

🖤 Make a better creative space - that banner I used up there, that laptop, yeah that's mine sitting at my little desk in the living room. I NEED to start getting into the habit of using my computer more for writing. I work so much better and faster when I sit down and write on my laptop. It's just 100x easier for me. But over the past year or so, I've been exclusively using my phone over the computer for writing and it's really lagged me back. Sure the phone is convenient and doesn't take effort to set up. But setting up and getting the laptop out, making a cup of tea and getting into the space to write is FAR better and productive for me.

🖤Do the FUCKING dishes - okay. Dishes are a huge source of dread and anxiety for me. The executive dysfunction and task avoidance is very real for me with them. I'm a very busy person, so my dishes pile up and every Saturday is my Dish Day™️. Where I slog through the pile of dishes in the sink. But if I just wash the couple of dishes every night instead of letting them pile up over the course of a week, theoretically, I'd stop dreading it and the anxiety over it should be less.

🖤Wake Up Earlier/Spirituality - I'm an alarm snoozer trying to get my 45min morning routine done in 5 while trying to get to work on time. I used to be really good about taking my time in the morning to work on my spiritual work (Hello fellow Pagans), but life got busy and my practice fell to the back burner, and that burner is set to low. I wanna move it to the front and get it simmering nicely again.

🖤Spend more time with my family - this includes friends too. I used to stop over at my nephew's house regularly to hang out, help with chores, and be a good adult role model. But life with no chill has me exhausted and not wanting to leave the house. I feel bad because I haven't had a DnD / game night with my nephew or brought him out hiking for a good while now. I know he's been bummed over it, so I need to quit isolating and go socialize. 😅

---

Anyway, these are my goals for this month, I think I should be able to hit them. Hopefully 🤞

[sigynpenniman]

You can tell it’s 1 AM and I’m sleepy because I’m posting a lot anyway let me talk about myself a bit more

I reblog (and post tbh) a LOT of anti-cringe-culture pro-shameless expression stuff and that’s literally just because like. it’s what I believe in. but I don’t actually walk the particular walk of living without shame myself as well as I pretend I do a lot of the time like I SAY that I do but the reality is I am occasionally overcome by waves of self consciousness I am *excruciatingly* aware that the way I behave here in my internet corner is likely perceived by some/many people as extremely weird sometimes when I hit publish on AO3 the demon on my shoulder is like. absolutely no one alive wants to read your self insert. when I started this post 30 seconds ago I literally had to fight the urge to add “in a mildly conceited fashion that perhaps embarrassingly assumes that anyone cares what I have to say” after it. but I somehow didn’t. because I’m grabbing that demon and beating him to death with a baseball bat. it’s like my favorite post in the world that says “am I being annoying about my interests? No, it’s my house” and that’s right babey this is my fucking house. And planting myself in that has done more for my sanity and confidence than just about anything else. you will not come into MY HOUSE and call me cringe or give me shit or what have you because it’s my house! if you dislike the decor in my house you may leave! And I mean that in the kindest and most cool and non-emotional and levelheaded way like if my weird displeases you please! don’t subject yourself to it! As for me and my house I’m gonna keep doing it because 1. It makes me feel good and this + adjacent spaces are the only places in my life where I’m allowed to be just as weird and bizzare and cringe as I god damn want and 2. If one single soul sees one single post I reblog or self insert I shamelessly post or what have you and feels the least bit better about their own weird then I will have done some kind of good in this world. please go kill the part of you that cringes and go forth into this world and be weird and strange in ways that are genuinely unappealing and unpalatable. I am kissing you on the forehead.

And remember. The greatest piece of advice I have ever read. If you want to say sorry in a moment of self consciousness where you haven’t actually objectively harmed someone else but you did something or said something that you’re scared was Too Much or perhaps made a social boo boo or are AFRAID you have made a social boo boo or what have you. and if simply resisting the urge to say something is too hard which it usually is. Instead of saying sorry. Try saying thank you. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for being understanding with me. whatever the case may be. It will change you I promise. Because it will fill the hole your anxiety is making that forces you to say something AND if you actually HAVE committed some kind of social boo boo it covers and acknowledges it in basically the exact same way as a Sorry, and if you’re with otherwise kind and loving people will have exactly the same impact, but if you, as likely is true, actually have done nothing whatsoever wrong or even slightly wrong, it’s still a kind and welcome and good thing to say and makes the people around you, and YOU, feel positive and good

plus getting all those apologies out of your vocabulary will make you feel better about yourself immediately

okay I have to work tomorrow I’m going to bed now. kisses.

[dancing-to-architecture]

25 - ABBA - The Visitors

*Creepy* album cover. Just eerie and off-putting.

So, cards on the table, I am not a big fan of ABBA. (Spotify has them listed as 'the 149th most popular artist on their entire platform', so i know this is An Unpopular Stance). I also don't know a single song on this album.

Buy the ticket, take the ride.

•The Visitors-

Creepy synth strings on the intro. Is this Dark ABBA? Maybe not, the singing came in and it's pretty overtly poppy.

That said, the proto-autotune here sounds pretty damn cool, and the actual lyrics perfectly describe 'having social anxiety and you're throwing a full dinner party in 20 minutes'.

Very "Who are these people and why the fuck are they in my house?" vibes.

Maybe this IS dark ABBA.

•Head Over Heels-

A song about the Toughest Woman On The Planet, which this musical journey has shown me is Decidedly a Type of Woman.

Interesting instrumentation on this one. Almost ethereal at some points.

Only problem i have with it is that i don't know if what they mean by hear over heels isn't exactly what that saying means.

•When All Is Said And Done-

Gotta say, i like a pop breakup song that is mature enough to say "actually, neither of us is the reason this didn't work out, sometimes things just don't work despite what we want".

•Soldiers-

Regarding the chorus: i urge you to listen to The Monks' Black Monk Time about 'songs that soldiers sing'. (Then again, when i was in, i knew far more punk/(nü-)metalhead soldiers than hooah-assed cadence-singing dipshits.)

Also, i get the idea that civilians often get pulled into wars despite the efforts of the soldiers, but that's way less on the soldiers themselves and mostly due to the horror of war finding a shitload of new and interesting ways to destroy humans over the last 120 years.

•I Let The Music Speak-

I'm not sure which of the A's is singing lead on this one, but: THOSE PIPES, GIRL. holy shit, she's straight up belting on this one.

Kinda darker, but still somehow a little upbeat throughout the darkness.

•One Of Us-

Not quite the inverse of 'Said and Done', but i do like the novelty of the song's concept: writing the sad breakup song from the pov of the dump-er who's still feeling pretty miserable about it.

I've definitely been here before.

Soul-shredding but still quite pretty, overall, which is a tough line to walk.

•Two For The Price Of One-

Okay, right off the bat: A. A trivial occupation? TRIVIAL?!

Sanitation workers are what keep "civilized society" from immediately collapsing into a total cesspool of human filth and you from contracting all the typhus and cholera and the numerous others in the horrid violently-shitting-yourself-to-death genre of diseases, so i won't be having any smacktalk on my custodial engineers out there.

B. Nobody should be excited about a BOGO sale on... *checks notes* ...Women?

[Office_space_million_dollars_two_chicks_same_time.gif]

Last line reaction: wait a minute, IS HER *MOM* "GIRL NUMBER TWO"? WHAT IN THE PORNHUB IS GOING ON HERE?

What a weird, "creepy in a bad way" midpoint song.

•Slipping Through My Fingers-

Songs like this make me feel a bit better about not being a parent, because I'm certain this song is a common lamentation regarding parenting: "there's so much i want to do and i feel like I'm missing so much of my child's early life because I'm stuck at goddamn work."

•Like An Angel Passing Through My Room-

Feels like a lullaby, but the subject matter is about remembering the dead.

Which... might be a Scandinavian lullaby for all i know. I've seen some old European lullabies that were pretty wretched.

•Should I Laugh Or Cry-

So far, this one feels the most like 1981. Pads and synths and then synth drums and then somehow still more synth.

Okay, see, there are way too many songs like this and not nearly enough like the Dixie Chicks classic: "Goodbye, Earl".

If you don't want to go so far as to kill 'em, then just leave 'em. Either way you deserve to finally be happy again.

•The Day Before You Came-

Severe Tonal Whiplash after that last song. This one is pretty great, the instrumentation feels a little "Castlevania"-y, and the lyrics perfectly capture that utter Bolt From The Blue feeling that is "meeting someone who you already KNOW is gonna change your entire life".

Just going through the motions, without really thinking about the time going by, and then someone comes out of nowhere and shakes your whole world up like a cheap snowglobe.

•Cassandra-

One of my favorite of the classical Greek tragedies, tbh. A woman cursed with detailed knowledge of future calamities, and nobody believes her.

An interesting modern take on the story.

•Under Attack-

The metric foot is all over the place, one line will have like 12 syllables and the next one has 5, but it really adds to the off-kilter, kinda disoriented vibe of the lyrics.

Also, NO MEANS NO.

NO MEANS FUCK OFF.

NO MEANS IF YOU KEEP ASKING ME I'LL HAVE TO TAKE ACTION.

NO MEANS I'M GONNA EMPTY THIS ENTIRE CAN OF MACE DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYEBALLS IF YOU ASK ME ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME.

Well... surprisingly, i really enjoyed an ABBA album. Wasn't honestly expecting that after a lifetime of not digging their singles. (There was a point in time during high school where i legitimately believed the worst part of having so many gay friends was the sheer OMNIPRESENCE of "Dancing Queen".)

I'm certain there's going to be more ABBA along this journey, but I'm feeling a lot less trepidation about it now.

Also, i just might have to relinquish my title of "the only person on the planet who has yet to see 'Mamma Mia!'"

Unrelated entirely, but Spotify automatically started playing more music, and it just now hit me that the intro to Blondie's "Heart of Glass" is basically the same as Nine Inch Nails' "Head Like A Hole", just without Trent's trademark stank (affectionate) on it. That is all.

Favorite Track: The Day Before You Came, what an interesting way to describe what's effectively a day of no real importance, only important because of a lack of something you didn't even know you were missing.

Least Favorite Track: Two For The Price Of One. Even removing the possible incest-y shit in that last line depending on how you read it, this song is just creepy as shit, AND it insinuates that janitors can't get laid without paying for it, which i am here to tell you is categorically incorrect. Utterly bizarre to have it on the album, let alone its placement inherently making it the centerpiece of the album.