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rinnstars · 1 month ago

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overdose!

he can’t stand this distance anymore

itoshi rin x reader: self-destructive behaviour (overdosing, vague self-harm), probably yandere (?), rant fic (?), kind of insane maybe lolz!

he thinks he must be going crazy, laying in his own mess that he created. he knows its all his fault, the calling ring mocking him. he swears he might just be having a heart attack - his hearts pangs in guilt and in fear, his breathing fast as his lung seems to collapse on h i’m, his hands shakily clutching his shirt. and another missed call. he knows he messed up - he’s never been the best at communicating his feelings, always isolating himself. he knows you’ll one day get sick of it, but god, he thinks he can’t live like this.

youre his heart - without you, he feels completely empty without anything beating inside, he feels as though his biological heart has been ripped completely out of him, its remaining gory mess left pumping outside of his body, he can’t survive like this. and youre like his lung, youre the reason he gets to live and get too play socccer and all, youre the oxygen that gets him going, youre everything he needs. youre his limbs, without you, he’s practically frozen on the spot, his limbs going numb - he doesn’t know how long he’s being here completely still lying still in the pile of clothes he’s haphazardly thrown earlier this morning before anything happened, feeling instead that he’s lying still in the pool of his own blood and gory guts and insides strewn out of him.

and maybe its your absence, or logically, it would probably be the pills he took. logically, he should be much calmer, its sleeping pills albeit ten or maybe twenty he doesn’t know, he doesn’t care. he should be getting sleepy, his breath should be slowing down from the earlier conflict, his mind should be relaxing but in contrast he feels more alive than ever, aware of his ripped apart organs and insides from your absence, he’s practically violently hyperventilating, feeling his lung pump too as though its his heart, his mind racing with the worst possible thought.

he should apologise - if he could, he would go to your house, apologise with his literal heart ripped out of his own body, dripping with blood and hand it right over to your. no, he would offer his limbs, give you his finger or something as a cat would bringing home a rat. no, he should disfigure himself for you, show his love and dedication he just can’t seem to - his eyes that you always adored, counting his eyelashes as you once laid right beside him at the floor area without a pile of mess, his wrist that he should brutalise yet again to show you his love isn’t anything superficial in opposition to his horrible communication skills, hell, he would take his own rib out and give one more to you.

yet, the minute he hears your voice vibrating from his phone - everything stops. the pile of bloody gore mess he swears he was in that sticks against his skin and pool at his shirt as though ripping through it too turns back to just the pool of clothes he logically sees of his discarded jacket, football jersey and a pair of shorts, his lung and heart no longer feeling out of his body and instead slowing down slightly as though you are truly his heart and lung, no you are truly the one keeping him alive, and his mind slowing down - perhaps you’re the only melatonin he needs. and its with your tired voice, still comforting him as though he didn’t practically break apart the house of cards of your relationship with him yet again with careless words, his eyes slowly blink and close, melting entirely into your voice that seem to hug him, his mind getting quieter with only thoughts of you, his breathing slowing down. he rubs away tiredly at the blood leftover from his nose and mouth from his earlier session, feeling it stain and pool at his hand, sighing.

“i love you.” three words he says, its all he can say - he doesn’t want to tell you of what he’s done - not the overdosing, not the harm he’s done to himself, not the panicked state you left him in. its not your responsiblity, he tells himself - but deep down its selfish. hes way too scared that you might just leave him when you figure out he might just be a little too dependent and obsessive over you, he’s way too scared you might only stay because youre afraid of what may happen, and hes way too scared one day you might just leave solely to leave him for dead. but for now, he’ll take a nap needed and call you back - and just maybe this time, he’ll stop this cycle of self-destruction the second he makes a mistake

#itoshi rin x reader #rin itoshi x reader #rin x reader #blue lock x reader #yandere blue lock #yandere bllk #bllk x reader #yandere rin x reader #wyd when u don’t do well for ur exams n can’t stand this feeeling? put it on rin!#i love u rin my bad i genitunely cannot handle failure so!#ineedarinsobad

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loeyshandtattoo · 1 year ago

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hindsight (chapter 2) | park chanyeol x reader

a/n: it took me awhile revising this chapter and i had to have a clear vision and connect the dots of the rest of the plot that i had already established, but here it goes anyway and is a bit longer than the previous one, and has more chanyeol appearance compared the last time it was sort of like the pilot episode. i hope you all love this, to all who where anticipating for a new chapter and i hope i served you all justice today

warning/s: alcohol consumption, mention of cuss words, some angsty shit i guess

word count: 4.2k words

IT STILL BAFFLES me how and when Baekhyun learned of my puppy love for his best friend. Admittedly, I have liked him ever since Baekhyun introduced him to me, and it only grew when the teasing part started; he would call me ‘cute’ for some reason because he likes seeing me turn red in embarrassment.

Back in my last year of Middle School, I learned that Chanyeol was dating the new girl from our school. I just thought that any guy like Park Chanyeol would just kiss and drop her, until I discovered that it was serious. I could still remember how broken I was that night. After attending the academy, I went straight home, moped around my room, and cried for days. Even though Angel and I were the best of friends, that was one secret I never told her.

Because Chanyeol dated my best friend.

She was the new girl.

When Angel was just starting out as a freshman and he was a sophomore while I was already in my last stretch of middle school, that was also the time that I had a chance to befriend the girlfriend of the guy I was going through my entire teenagerhood because I was the younger sister of Baekhyun, and I admit that I befriended her so that I could see the bad side of her, and just like the namesake herself, she was the purest and kindest person that I have ever met, and she deserves someone like this man she is with.

For the past two years that Angel and I have been friends, she still has no idea.

When I finally surpassed the feelings that I had for Chanyeol, the timing also had its ways, just so happened that was also the perfect timing to break up, and that was when I was already midway my freshman year, and as I have entered real high school, I also learned how much important of a phase it was and through my first years of high school, I had figured out that the football team was chasing after me, and they were taking turns on trying to court me and luckily, with the help of Baekhyun, he told me to turn them all down as they were only placing bets on me, which I learned the next day, Chanyeol had to beat all the athletes from the socccer team for that reason, which had Baekhyun skeptical as well, and while I just thought it was his older brother instincts that came out.

"Young Miss, You may finally rest now; I have removed all your makeup." Annie spoke with the most comforting voice. The room was dimmed, which turned my room into a relaxing ambiance. My mother was very strict with bedtime procedures, especially with me since I am her only daughter, and she was concerned that the next two years of my life would be filled with nothing but debut preparations. Upper Elites practiced this debutante ball every year as a symbol of family presentation to the world of Aristocrats of the Upper East Side, and it was one significant thing that Lower Elites did not have aside from inherited wealth, which is a debutante ball. Aristocrats have admired the same European practice, as takes us back to the reign of Queen Charlotte of UK, although debutante balls are a symbol of matchmaking functions, it also serves as a function that a woman is ready to take her place to become a lady and prove it by attending different galas, functions and charity events as well as the talk of her future, and even so the event will merely take two years later, the madhatters are preparing for it because of mother’s connections, and since our family is one of the nine dukes, it was important to make a presentation—to build image and I was representing the House of Yangban—the Korean Aristocrat, and the roots of the Secret Royal Family, the most important figure of the Elite High Society.

"Did Baekhyun leave?" I asked her. She nodded, bowed her head, and walked straight to the door to finally leave me alone.

He had to return the Rolls-Royce to him anyway.

"The bouquet does not reflect Sweet Sixteenth, Charity, Mother complained as she went over the selection of bouquet setups, and here I was following her around since I should also be concerned with the preparations for it, but the majority of the plans were made by Mother, and even so, the slightest bit of opinion does not qualify for it.

I was about to open my mouth, gathering up my courage to say that I would also like tulips and that they would also be a good addition to the bouquet. "If you were thinking about tulips, dear, it won’t go absolutely well with the rest of the flowers that I think suit the best." I just seriously gave up.

"You can do it next year," Mother added.

But she said the same thing last year, and Mother went all out with the Lily of the Valley, which had me wondering if I was already getting married at that time as it was a White Party, she said.

"Cali, dearest, I’ll have the driver pick you up and pick up the custom-made Vivienne Westwood dress that I had requested for you. I bet you will love the black, and don’t worry, there are lace embellishments and different trendy stuff that I had mixed there for you." She spoke happily.

Well, that would have gone better if she had consulted me before naming her price. As I was waiting in the foyer for the driver, I dialed Angel and decided to ask for company. "Yeah, sure, I was just sitting at home." I smiled as I heard the honking of the limo as I held my Dior saddle bag, checked the time, stood up straight, and exited the building.

I entered the limousine, "Upper West Side, please," and opened my phone.

BE THERE BY TEN. HURRY UP. JUST KIDDING. TAKE ALL THE TIME YOU NEED.

"Your Mother outdid herself again, I could say." Angel chuckled as she admired the party venue. This time, my mother chose a high-rise and rented the entire penthouse for my birthday. Men were wearing their tuxedos, and women were wearing their a-line dresses that vary in length. As I was a girl of morals, they said, it ended until my knee, but Angel and I had different plans earlier, especially when we picked this black dress.

A blank expression was maintained on our faces when the custom-made dress was presented to us. "This is your birthday dress, or am I stand- corrected?" Angel quizzed. The hem reached below the knee, and the sleeves ended at my wrist. "This was the dress my mom was praising earlier?" I sighed.

"That is it; I am going home." I had lost all hopes for everything for my birthday.

"Oh my, Calista. It does not look that bad at all. Tell you what, I have a plan tonight." Angel convinced me to do as I was told, and here we are rotting away in this dreadful party filled with people from the Yangban house and the Upper Elites, exclusively, and Angel was my request plus one in the guest list, and Mother was still a bit skeptical about it since I was inviting a lower elite, and she will only be the only Upper Elite in that party.

I saw Baekhyun drinking his scotch whiskey again. "Good. There you are; I was stalling time." Baekhyun spoke.

"Huh?" I quizzed.

Then he dragged me out of the party venue and into the elevator that was obviously going down. "My little sister won’t be spending her birthday like that, Baekhyun said, and as we were nearing the ground level, the door opened, and outside the building there was a limousine waiting. That took a lot to process; I breathed it in and exhaled it out again.

"Mind telling me where we are going?" I asked Baekhyun. The limousine was not yet moving, meaning we were waiting for someone.

"We are going to show you how we really celebrate our birthdays, Lower Elite style." Angel spoke as she and Baekhyun high-fived across me. My jaw slacked as I saw their proud faces and decided that we should just go ahead with whatever they were planning, and I hope it does not involve something troublesome.

The neon lighting and the loud sound blaring into the party venue were enough information to take me to where I was taken by Angel and by Baekhyun, where I saw that they had taken me into a club. "You idiots brought me into a club?" I was so ready to scold them, and they assured me that everything was fine.

"Come on, I’m here anyways, so drink like you know how." Baekhyun assured me that everything is under control.

"Do they serve wine here?" Baekhyun laughed at that thought. "Hope not," He said as he entered the club and disappeared into the crowd of people.

I glared at Angel, and she smiled. "Don’t worry, your brother assured me that he limited the drinks you can take, and all of the people from school are here; many are from lower elites, but for sure they won’t talk around, especially since your brother is there, Angel said as she grasped my elbow as assurance.

Then I saw Angel bring out a skimpy-looking black dress and say, "I demand you wear this, birthday girl." She winked at me, and I widened my eyes at the look of the dress. This was the backup plan that she was telling me earlier.

Roaming around my birthday party was difficult; it turns out Baekhyun invited the whole school into this club for my birthday. Baekhyun feared that I was a bit old for not being open to alcohol, and so here I was sitting on a bar stool as I watched Angel turn into the polar opposite of how I used to think of her before. "Bitch, you drink?" I saw her on a totally different level, and she smiled and dipped her thumb and index finger into the bowl of salt and grabbed a pinch and consumed the shot glass of tequila and grabbed a lime wedge from the bowl and sucked onto the acidic fruit.

"Yeah, and this bad boy is called Tequila." Angel proudly spoke as she downed another shot glass.

"You only knew me two years ago, Calista. After dating Chanyeol, I learned how to drink," she narrated.

Yeah. They both dated, but that was ancient history.

"Here, drink one glass, and let's say that you have passed the test." Angel encouraged me, and I kept refusing, but still she was continuously offering me the glass, and I just gave up, and I looked at her as she eyed me, anticipating as I tasted the liquor down my mouth and burned my throat.

"The fuck! It’s bitter; you guys actually like these?" I asked her, and she nodded.

"You grow to like it, Cali," she said as she sipped her mocktail and offered me hers. "How about this one? Try it!" She offered me her glass, and this time I wanted to try it again, and it was sort of tolerable and much better now. Angel clapped for me happily and ordered from the waiter: "My friend here says that she’s also ordering the same thing that I am having." Angel spoke.

As the barista prepared the drinks, I glanced at the situation and saw that everyone was partying their guts out, and there I saw Baekhyun with his best friend, of course, dressed in his tuxedo as well and drinking his whiskey, and they were all going berserk, and I laughed at how silly they were behaving.

"Here you go, ladies." The barista offered us the drinks, and I politely thanked the barista, and I heaved a breath before taking a shot. "Don’t take it that way!" Angel scolded me and passed the lemon and salt. "You drink it like this, Angel said as she grabbed her lemon and demonstrated what she claimed to be the right way, which led me to do the same thing.

Which had me take a lot more, and I could still remember blowing my birthday cake and everyone singing happy birthday, and then all went black.

Happy Birthday to me, I guess.

"Good morning, Young Miss." Anne wished me a good morning with a smile.

There seems to be no headache at all, and that got me suspicious. I was heavily drunk last night, and the least I could expect was an excruciating headache next thing in the morning, which I didn’t seem to have. "It was very unlikely of you, Young Miss, to wake up this late, Anne said as she arranged all the mess on the floor. The contents of my clutch that matched my outfit last night were scattered around the bedroom floor.

"Your Mother was expecting you earlier to join her for breakfast, but you did not seem to respond earlier this morning, Anne added.

It hits differently when something so insane like being drunk hits you, but one thing’s for sure: I love the feeling, and now I feel something for Angel.

"I’m really sorry, Anne. I sort of had a bad sleep last night, and all the slumber is still kicking in." I spoke to Anne with a smile as she left for my privacy, and then I heard Baekhyun calling me from the hallways of the house with a panicked tone.

Then I dazed at him as he stood by my door, and he rushed inside the room, closed the door with a slam, and locked the door. "Where were you last night?" He asked me.

"What do you mean where was I last night? I was with Angel and you the whole night in the club?" I tried to knock some sense into him, and he scoffed. "No, I was not; I was with my classmates, and I was looking all night for you after the party, but Angel told me you just vanished." He spoke.

If Baekhyun did not take me home last night, who else did?

"And why in the world do you smell like man’s perfume?" Baekhyun quizzed, and I was taken aback and took a whiff of my hair as I tried to recollect from my mind’s memories of last night who I possibly was with last night.

"Please..." I mumbled and prayed, hoping that it was not someone that I did not know and someone that could have possibly molested me. As I closed my eyes, I recalled the memories; however, they were blurry, but some familiar voice spoke to me.

"I’ll take you home." It was a man’s voice, and it was oh so familiar, but the face was something that I couldn’t distinguish.

"Your Royal Highness, we have to be discreet as much as possible; this lady has an aristocratic background, and we must not raise suspicions." A man possibly in his fifties spoke with the man from before.

"Were you sure enough?" Angel asked me as we walked down the school hallways. As we conversed about that night’s events, she could hardly believe that the man that I was referring to could possibly be someone from the secret royal family. The Secret Royal Family of Yi was the one that established all the luxury lives that we are benefiting from, and all of the aristocratic houses are very thankful to the family for giving honor to our heritage as royalty. "I am sure that the man addressed him as ‘Your Royal Highness," I exclaimed.

"The only people in our world who address them with an HRH title are members of the secret royal family, even if we don’t see them at all. It’s like God to us," I added.

Then, as we walked through the hallways, I saw Baekhyun and Chanyeol, and they had their books in hand. I looked over at Angel, and she was admiring him. From the very start of their breakup, I knew Angel still had the deepest feelings for him, and through her actions, there was no question. The way her eyes still glimmer with hope when she sees him along the hallways and everywhere just pains me enough to just sacrifice what I have left because I don’t want to be suspicious anymore, but what Baekhyun said that night as we went home from the charity event was also convincing.

"Calista, you know about these situations. You should learn how to gamble your feelings away even if it means not ending up with your feelings being returned," He said as he held on to the wheel.

That night was extremely windy, and the way our hair flew and the fabrics of our clothing reacted to the gush of wind as Baekhyun drove hastily—even though I told him to slow down, he just never listens anyway.

"How about Angel? I can’t hurt her." I cried to Baekhyun, and he sighed, "Calista, if Angel is your true best friend, she will understand you no matter how much it hurts, just like you have always understood and sacrificed your feelings for Chanyeol. I bet she will do the same." He explained.

I scoffed. The rules of the girl code are strict but simple: the ex of your best friend is off limits. "Either way, Chanyeol will clear it up for the both of you; just trust me and him," He added. Chanyeol, as I have learned and experienced through my years of childhood with him and my brother, was the gentlest man ever known to mankind until he reached the point where popularity took the best of him. We rarely had interactions, which made me miss his attention when I was young, and I rarely see him because I started attending the academy when I entered middle school. The yearning to see him again made me realize how much I had fallen for him.

Then we bumped our shoulders, which earned a painful groan from both of us and elicited a quick ‘ouch, and we looked at each other. "Sorry, I mumbled, and he assured me it was fine, and I looked over to Baekhyun, then Angel.

She looked down to her feet, and from that moment on, I felt bad for Angel. She is my best friend, and I don’t want to hurt her feelings. From the start, I knew how much feelings she harbored for Chanyeol even more than I do. What they had is something that I can’t penetrate my way through, but still, even if their relationship is no longer valid and I don’t like the way my best friend is clinging to her last bit of hope that they will come back together as a couple, it is something that I can just do for her and not hurt her anymore.

Then, after that, we simply walked away and looked at Angel. "Hey, are you still affected?" I asked Angel, and she nodded. "I just can’t believe that he just called it quits with no valid reason," Angel explained. I just tried to be there for her, console her on the spot, and assure her that everything would be fine, even if it cost me my feelings for him.

I should not be talking about him at all.

"No, I am not going to any stupid party, you dipshit." I told Baekhyun, and he continued to plead that he go with me to that year-end party for seniors, and I kept refusing. "And I am not a senior, so that means I am not invited!" and here I am still reasoning out with my brother why he should not bring me to a party filled with throwing questions here and there about which university they will be attending next year, and how can you just say that you are Baekhyun’s younger sister and you’re just a High School sophomore?

Baekhyun scoffed. "But you want to drink, am I right?" He offered. "Done and done!" Baekhyun agreed. After the incident one night, he refused to let me consume alcohol anymore, and here he was saying that the alcohol ban on me was lifted. But here he was, walking towards me and sitting on my bed.

"If you fear seeing Chanyeol, I think it’s the perfect time that you become honest with your feelings about him, even if there is nothing there; he deserves to know whether or not he accepts your feelings; it is something that you have let out of your system, and in that way, you have no regrets." Baekhyun spoke.

"Because what I want you to do is choose yourself; let your heart win this time."

"Now go and do your thing where you dress up for ten minutes even when it is not." Baekhyun joked and made me chuckle. One thing about Baek is that he has this force that makes me want to always be with him, the relationship between the both of us, and how it will always be the two of us.

He asked me to dress up and do my makeup. Now, what kind of girl could ever disagree with that? And even if I did not, I could not miss the opportunity to play dress-up.

The year-end party was taking place at Chanyeol’s place, and of course his having the most solid reputation known had urged him to do this, and the fact that we are here in the Upper West Side is like a crime for us aristocrats, but since we feel like we have some sort of entitlement over everything, it does not matter at all, and here my brother is ditching me again for the people he knows as if he does not go to school almost every day.

Then I looked around the place as I wonder that the place has not changed ever since, and I grabbed a mocktail that was being served, and I saw the huge flight of stairs and decided to do a bit of exploring around the house as if I have memorized every nook and cranny of this house, which actually I do, and as I have finally landed on the second floor, looking for someone that I have been looking for all night. However, my search was cut short when I heard someone talking along the dimly lit corridors of the house. "What do you mean you have fallen in love with someone else?" Some girl spoke.

"I liked her ever since the start; I needed to date you at that time," The guy answered.

"That is extremely unreasonable to call it quits with me two years ago with no valid reason, and my mistake was letting you get away with that, and now you claim that you have fallen for someone before you even met me. How far can you go with all your stupid excuses?" She yelled at Chanyeol, and I know who the girl was, and it was Angel.

"Because she’s aristocratic and I needed to let go of all my feelings for her, is that enough proof for you, Angel? Is that already valid for you?" He replied with pent-up frustration, and I saw Angel go teary-eyed. "That night when I said I love you and when you did not reply, did you even mean it when you said that you’ll grow affections for me so that you can return it?" Angel was getting desperate at this point, and she clutched Chanyeol’s chest, and he sighed, "I did mean it. Then she cut him off and kissed him.

"Please, mean it when you say that. I love you so much, still." And continued doing it right in front of me.

I clutched my chest, where my heart is located, as I watched them do it right in front of me as the session got heated. I decided to go back down where everyone was and wanted to escape right at that moment. I should be happy for Angel for finally earning his love back, but when she is already at the point where she is happy, it just comes down to me being the complete opposite, and I decided to escape here and just cry my heart out.

Chanyeol pushes her away. "I like Calista, Angel. I’m sorry." He apologized, and Angel looked at him with tears that were threatening to fall.

"You could like any girl, but why does it have to be my best friend?" Angel sobbed and covered her face with her palms.

"That is why you wanted to talk to me?" Angel asked.

"My intentions were pure, Angel. I told you that I liked someone else, and here you are feeding your delusions when I already told you the reason why I called it quits two years ago," Chanyeol reasoned.

Chanyeol recalled that time when Baekhyun told him that if he loved his sister that much, he should do what a man should and settle his issue with Angel, which he did because he respected them both, and before he proceeds with anything with Cali, he should do what he feels is right—to be brave enough to recognize his feelings and settle it with Angel, but the night turned out to be different than what should have been.

#exo baekhyun #exo imagines #exo smut #exo x reader #park chanyeol x reader #baekhyun x reader #chanyeol angst #chanyeol fic #chanyeol fluff #chanyeol smut #chanyeol x reader

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