#i love u rin my bad i genitunely cannot handle failure so!

[rinnstars]

overdose!

he can’t stand this distance anymore

itoshi rin x reader: self-destructive behaviour (overdosing, vague self-harm), probably yandere (?), rant fic (?), kind of insane maybe lolz!

he thinks he must be going crazy, laying in his own mess that he created. he knows its all his fault, the calling ring mocking him. he swears he might just be having a heart attack - his hearts pangs in guilt and in fear, his breathing fast as his lung seems to collapse on h i’m, his hands shakily clutching his shirt. and another missed call. he knows he messed up - he’s never been the best at communicating his feelings, always isolating himself. he knows you’ll one day get sick of it, but god, he thinks he can’t live like this.

youre his heart - without you, he feels completely empty without anything beating inside, he feels as though his biological heart has been ripped completely out of him, its remaining gory mess left pumping outside of his body, he can’t survive like this. and youre like his lung, youre the reason he gets to live and get too play socccer and all, youre the oxygen that gets him going, youre everything he needs. youre his limbs, without you, he’s practically frozen on the spot, his limbs going numb - he doesn’t know how long he’s being here completely still lying still in the pile of clothes he’s haphazardly thrown earlier this morning before anything happened, feeling instead that he’s lying still in the pool of his own blood and gory guts and insides strewn out of him.

and maybe its your absence, or logically, it would probably be the pills he took. logically, he should be much calmer, its sleeping pills albeit ten or maybe twenty he doesn’t know, he doesn’t care. he should be getting sleepy, his breath should be slowing down from the earlier conflict, his mind should be relaxing but in contrast he feels more alive than ever, aware of his ripped apart organs and insides from your absence, he’s practically violently hyperventilating, feeling his lung pump too as though its his heart, his mind racing with the worst possible thought.

he should apologise - if he could, he would go to your house, apologise with his literal heart ripped out of his own body, dripping with blood and hand it right over to your. no, he would offer his limbs, give you his finger or something as a cat would bringing home a rat. no, he should disfigure himself for you, show his love and dedication he just can’t seem to - his eyes that you always adored, counting his eyelashes as you once laid right beside him at the floor area without a pile of mess, his wrist that he should brutalise yet again to show you his love isn’t anything superficial in opposition to his horrible communication skills, hell, he would take his own rib out and give one more to you.

yet, the minute he hears your voice vibrating from his phone - everything stops. the pile of bloody gore mess he swears he was in that sticks against his skin and pool at his shirt as though ripping through it too turns back to just the pool of clothes he logically sees of his discarded jacket, football jersey and a pair of shorts, his lung and heart no longer feeling out of his body and instead slowing down slightly as though you are truly his heart and lung, no you are truly the one keeping him alive, and his mind slowing down - perhaps you’re the only melatonin he needs. and its with your tired voice, still comforting him as though he didn’t practically break apart the house of cards of your relationship with him yet again with careless words, his eyes slowly blink and close, melting entirely into your voice that seem to hug him, his mind getting quieter with only thoughts of you, his breathing slowing down. he rubs away tiredly at the blood leftover from his nose and mouth from his earlier session, feeling it stain and pool at his hand, sighing.

“i love you.” three words he says, its all he can say - he doesn’t want to tell you of what he’s done - not the overdosing, not the harm he’s done to himself, not the panicked state you left him in. its not your responsiblity, he tells himself - but deep down its selfish. hes way too scared that you might just leave him when you figure out he might just be a little too dependent and obsessive over you, he’s way too scared you might only stay because youre afraid of what may happen, and hes way too scared one day you might just leave solely to leave him for dead. but for now, he’ll take a nap needed and call you back - and just maybe this time, he’ll stop this cycle of self-destruction the second he makes a mistake