#sobbing i miss being home
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if i see one more tiktok of people ordering indian takeout and absolutely loving it i’m gonna cry
#[𐐪— rheya talks. 𐑂]#IT LOOKS SO GOOD I NEED IT RN#like some good butter chicken and naan actually sounds perfect#and like….obviously biryani hits anytime#ITS LITERALLY SO CUTE WATCHING THEIR REACTIONS TO IT TOO#but i’m so jealous bc I WANT IT BUT MY COLLEGE HAS NO INDIAN FOOD AROUND#sobbing i miss being home
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I was actually so sad when Ice Adolescence was canceled. You don’t even know. Back in the days where I had just realized I was queer, 11-12, I watched Yuri on Ice. And I rewatched it. I watched it when I got home from ice skating practice. It was something I loved so deeply. And then there was the movie I was waiting on, for years. AND THEN THEY CANCELED THE MOVIE.
#GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#my name is Victor and I like ice skating. does this say enough#my name is actually fucking Victor and I grew up on ice skating. does this say enough.#I loved yoi so much it genuinely showed me so many things#sababsbsbebenr#yoi#yuri on ice#yuuri on ice#yuri!!! on ice#yuuri!!! on ice#ice adolescence#sobbing#I have a picture of Victor that I printed out and he’s on my ceiling#when i get home im gonna make another one#yuri is needed#we couldve had it all#</3#anyways yeah no it was my go to#ice skating practice takes a toll on me? yoi.#I almost got seriously injured once because a kid was being silly and nearly had an ice skate to my back. then I watched yoi.#<- not a vent just an example of how much I loved the show#I miss it so damn much#the movie may be canceled but don’t forget what the show gave us#a sob escapes me as I lay on the floor#banger
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Was anyone going to tell me you don't realize how much you've missed a friend until you see them in person again or was I just supposed to figure that out myself
#not me being fully taken off guard by my body's urge to crawl into their lap like a clingy cat#cool cool cool just sobbing in the car on the way home#what the fuck do you mean I missed you and you missed me and we went 2 years without seeing each other anyway????#fools the both of us
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Would be so cool if I didn't have a headache right now. Would be so incredibly cool if I could have GONE TO WORK TODAY but noooooo, instead, headache.
#i enjoy my job and i have Responsibilities and Things To Do and it's been so busy lately#so i know stuff is arriving today that i should be there to work on#or that i should be assisting with the bigger work project rn#but am i in any shape to do that? no!!#added to that I've already missed a lot this last month or so and I'll miss thursday too for an appointment#that I'd set all the way back in march but that had to be rescheduled#and they said oh no haha we don't have an opening in the town 20 mins from you but we do have one in the town 2 hrs from you#if i wanted an appointment in the town 20 mins away i would have had to wait until OCTOBER for the next opening#and now here i am at home on a monday with a stupid headache and knowing i have stuff i should be doing and want to be doing#but my horrid unwell body is not allowing me to do it#how do i even explain that? the frustration that comes with being chronically unwell?? to my coworkers who are healthy 98% of the time??#[sobbing]
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so actually never again will i be discussing my interests or any stupid fears with my real life “friends” from high school because tell me why it was let’s make fun of liv like middle schoolers night
#literally had my dad pick me up and sobbed the whole way home#finally comfortable being myself but nope no more#i’m literally just yapping#i miss my college friends
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Fanny, my sweet, beautiful girl
17.11.2012 – 14.04.2019
#my art#artists on tumblr#I cannot accept that it has been 5 years already#I know covid messed with everyone’s sense of time but it simultaneously feels so much longer and so much shorter than that#exactly five years ago I was holding onto my mom for dear life and sobbing as we watched lilo and stitch together#not the best movie to watch when you’ve just lost your first ever pet you know#and then I cried myself to sleep at the next morning we never mentioned her again#I know it’s because it was way too painful for everyone involved. but I do wish I was allowed to process that grief properly#instead of bottling it up and pretending everything was okay until I was reminded of her#feeling like my heart was being shattered over and over again every single time#well anyway. enough of that. I’ve allowed myself a nice long cry today and got most of it out of my system#and once I was feeling okay I decided to draw her#and I can count the number of times I’ve drawn animals on one hand so.. I’m not too sure about the result#but it felt like to commemorate her in some way.#so yeah. here she is. my dear girl. the best dog in existence. she was always so affectionate and kind#which I didn’t always appreciate bc of how young I was. when you’re a kid it feels like pets will live forever#never barked. never bit anyone. her only crime was chewing on my mlp and lps toys that I left out on the floor#but I’m grateful she did that. it taught me not to leave my toys lying around and to clean up after myself#she really was taken from me way too soon. ideally she could still be alive right now. but I’ve been down the road of guilt and regret#there was nothing I could do. I was a child. I can only hope that she knew she was loved right until the very end#even if I didn’t know how to show it properly. and great. now I’m tearing up again#I suppose it’s unavoidable. April 12th will always be a melancholy day. and maybe that’s not such a bad thing#it’s good to have a day when I can freely remember her and cry if I need to. it’s healthy. it’s better than crying every day#she never liked it much when I cried. always tried to comfort me. that’s the kind of dog she was. I miss her so much#when I move apartments and get a dog of my own I’m getting a spaniel. just like she was#well. maybe a different colour so I don’t end up sobbing every time I look at it. but spaniels really are the perfect breed#I mean. cavaliers especially were bred for love and warmth. that’s just what I need. it will be nice to have someone waiting for me at home#and while I don’t necessarily believe in the afterlife… I do hope that Fanny’s watching over me#spiritually comforting me when I feel all alone in the world. it’s a nice thought for sure#and hopefully she won’t mind me getting another spaniel too much. it will be done in her honour after all. to make up for my past mistakes
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ig running out of antidepressants really has consequences lmao
#im sobbing over being away from my home country which never happens so#something is UP#also im due to start my period! ugh#its just. being disconnected from my family and friends and culture and missing it all terribly#while actively running away from there#like. i miss it so so much but would not want to live there#if the politics and economy werent as they are i would not even have thought of leaving budapest#i havent been back in 5 months which is the longest i spent away ever#at least im not homesick in the way that im missing my family#just in the 'nothing can ever be home that is not budapest' way#ill talk about this in therapy i swear lmao but shes british so idk if shell understand#nett rambles#tbd
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the way i balance staying true to my tumblrina nature while also having a job and bills and rent is that at work while cleaning a room ill think of something id like to post and then repeat it over and over in my head and refine it until it sounds right and then i either post it as soon as i get a second to Or i forget it bc i think of anew post to make. and they always get 0 notes but its ok
#not a lot to post abt in a retirement home. its like yep this room is exactly the same as it was last week and the week before as well.#2day we mughtve had a missing resident idk. i also fink i saw her like 2 seconds b4 she went missing so im sure they found her#i was just sitting in the lunch room Seething and Coping ( iwas 40 minutes behind and had just found out i had an extra room on top of that#btw i didnt get out until 4:30. my shift ends at 330 but my ride leaves at 4 and due to The crisis my boss said i can stay clocked in until#4 so that i can do liberty and get overtime et cetera. whats hard is sometimes when i say et cetera i want you to read it as et cetera but#other times i want you to read it as E.T. cetera. but what can you do.#anyways where was i. right i was in the lunchroom oh also my ride didnt leave without me bc marians my bestie. anyways. i was in the break#room idk why i keep calling it the lunchroom im not a highschooler. its a breakroom we just sometimes eat lunch in there when im not outsid#or hiding in Closet <3333333333#aaaanyways what was i talking abt. a good thing abt desktop tumblr is that i can read through all the tags so far#mobile its like a whole debacle basically. idr how but its like. whatever ider what i was talking about hold on#oh right. so i was in the break room and there was a nurse in there and on the walkie (they all have walkies. brenda also has one) i heard#someone go Sooo 245 wasnt in her room and she wasnt in the cafeteria :worried: im gonna look around 2nd but keep an eye out..#and then like a minute later that nurse got up and quickly left idk if she got a different message bc i was listening to starstruck by sorr#and trying to figure out how expensive (indian restaurant) is. the answer is very ughhh i just wanted butter chicken and garlic naan and#rice and that wouldve been THIRTY DOLLARSSS :sobbed: it is very very good food though#i caint get it anyway my check hasnt come in. Tee be honest i might go ahead and order it anyway once my check does come in i rly rly want#butter chicken rn. if in being honest.#also the nurse was playing like a kids cooking channel youtube video rly loudly and the guy in it was obnoxious and i was having such a bad#day i was just sitting there hunched over in a corner forehead against the counter it was diree guys.#the way i made 'yeah i overheard on one of the nurses walkies that they couldnt find a resident for a couple minutes' into a 10 paragraph#debacle. this is what i mean when i say i have to be a tumblrina do you know how dire it would be if i had a social life and went outside#somebody would be like hey how has your day been! and id make it into a 15 hour long historical reenactment. lord
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my girlfriend hasn't been online much today (she's studying for finals) she's obviously ignoring me and she hates me (I'm in desperate need of attention) she wants me dead and prays for my downfall (I miss her and I'm clingy)
#t4t#bones is being gay on main :/#sorry y'all i miss her a lot#yes i saw her last weekend#yes i just got home last night#i still need her attention 24/7 and finals week is my mortal enemy#sobbing and crying and wishing she passes all her finals so i can bother her more
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#just dropped my friend off at her house after our last hang out before she leaves for uni#and I’m not really handling that well#she was genuinely one of the best friends I’ve ever had#and I don’t know if I would have survived last year without her#and now she’s flying to the other side of the country to get away from her parents and get her nursing degree#And I just sobbed the whole was home#I know we’ll keep in touch. I know we will#but she was the only person who made sure I got out of the house last year#who came over to see me and invited me over and made sure we went out to do things#she’s also one of the only friends who I’ve ever really felt open around#and not being able to spend time with her anymore is. really fucking me up#i really need to go to bed bc I have work early tomorrow but I just can’t#I feel like shit im gonna miss her so much#vent
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depressing tags i miss my family
#literally been crying harder than i think i’ve ever cried before for hours now#i sobbed at the airport and basically all through my flight#and then had a breakdown the second i stepped into my apartment#for context i was visiting my family in virginia for the last month and just came back to amsterdam today#and don’t get me wrong i love my friends i love spending time with them#and i don’t even hate amsterdam like i rlly like this city!!!!#but i fucking hate BEING here rn i hate it here because i just. want to be with my family#i want to be with my mom#i miss them so much and its probably gonna be a while before i see them again#i just don’t know how people do this#i can’t cope#this is the worst i’ve felt in so long i just want to be at home.#t
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I miss ia n shu my uni friends 🤠🤞🏾
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The heart wants toxic yuri and drunk calls and drunken confessions but the mind tells me to be a responsible adult living in the real world with a 9-5 😐
#why is this world so boring why can't i be an immortal witch who dies every night in the battlefield only to be cleaned up and resurrected#in secrecy from my gf who hates fighting but only to be found out to her horror and be cleaned and picked up by my gf every night#why can't healing magic exist in the form of girls kissing why can't i be puking flowers if im puking anyway#like healing and doing better is great but god is it boring lmao#i kinda miss how dramatic my first unofficial heartbreak was.. like that was bad for my health but very interesting for the plot#now instead i journal and play an instrument and don't talk to ppl abt how i feel and work a stable job and hang out with my friends#WHICH ARE NORMAL PEOPLE ACTIVITIES and i think it's good to be being a normal person rn but i haven't had a like. big dramatic cry yet.#i cried before the break up but i haven't really had a big sob or anything after it and part of me misses feeling the range of emotions#like i was angstier when i was 15 this experience has been so calm and muted it even surprises me i feel like i should feel more hurt abt it#alas i missed my best chance to like actually act heartbroken. like if i do anything now it's kinda gonna be more for the experience and bit#god it's the theatre kid in me lmao i just. i want to experience what it's like crying and calling drunk walking home in your friend's arms#but ig if ur w ur friends they wouldn't let u call ur ex? so ig walking home alone at night drunk and crying!#but that feels unsafe. so maybe just. drunk alone at home? but that also feels like a liability#what do u even say on the call? im drunk can u pick me up pls? 💀💀💀 i don't think that's gonna work.#ok god i need to stop thinking abt this lmao im gonna be tempted to do it for fun but aaa self control self control#think instead abt the independent project u have. and ur diagnostic score. and the fact that u already broke ur favorite shirt.#where do ppl get interesting lives. the older i get the more my life has settled down into some stable npc life which i do like. but still.#can't help but realize i live in a very different world than most ppl. my coworker constantly asks me how old i really am.
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I am...... getting A Little nostalgic for Stardew Valley........ but I know it is SUCH a commitment like if I get back into that shit I'm blacking out for a month. I Cannot Allow It
#GSJAGSKAHSKSJ#i miss .... my goth stay at home malewife and my goth chickens and being the wizard's pet guy#furious and devastated you get nothing for maxing out the wizard's hearts. bullshit.#i wish you could romance the wizard......... i know there's mods but i play console LMFAO#i also miss emily... peak weird woman. she is SO AWESOEM#emily and sebastian were the ones i was split between marrying and i went seb bc i felt deeply#slotted into being a 'cisguy' and. while playing as male absolutely was integral to my transition actually#like the very start of the game i was fucking ruined. grampa nooo don't die AND you respect my identity as your grandson........ WAH#but like. i just needed something queerer. like who you're with doesn't determine who you are#but. i mean. it's MY self-indulgent male fantasy and i need MORE QUEERNESS. EXPLICITLY.#also was sobbing like.... husband AND husband..... holy shit........ gay marriage IS real and so am i .....#got slightly off topic but the fact that i was split between romancing seb or emily and also was EXTREMELY#EXTREMELY EXTREMELY WANTING TO BE THE WIZARD'S PET APPRENTICE SO SO SOOOO BAF#BAD#AND I DESPERATELY WANTED TO HAVE THE OPTION TO ROMANCE HIM#says. something about me. i think.#also my whole ass shane saga. he's not my type but i do absolutely feel for him. we can be buddies. i wish the best for you.#i am primarily motivated by chickens though i am so sorry. i am A Farmer.#IN. THE LOOSEST DEFINITION OF THE FUCKING WORD BC ALL I WAS INTERESTED IN WAS CHICKENS#I HAD SOME CROPS SEASONSALLY BUT. ALL I EVER WANTED. ALL MY HEART DESIRED. CHICKENS#also men long for the mines. and the skull cavern. i was barely a fucking farmer i was dungeon crawling 80% of it.#ALSO. LINUS. I LOVED LINUS I MADE IT MY MISSION IN LIFE TO BEFRIEND LINUS#and ALSO be his pet guy. more platonic this time but like. local young man looking for older men to imprint on#MY GRAMPA JUST FUCKING DIED. AND I'M TRANGENDER. A BRAND NEW MAN. GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!!!
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I'm back in the place I grew up for the first time since moving 6 months ago and it is so fucking weird and I have a lot of feelings
#firstly i am fucking exhausted#my girlfriend stayed over last night and i slept like 5 hours#i am so stressed#and my birth control has been fucking with my energy severally#secondly ive been on edge since I woke up#I've constantly been 15 seconds away from sobbing uncontrollably or bashing my head against a wall until my brain leaks out of my ear#my poor fucking girlfriend had to deal with me being overwhelmed and irritated and they were so lovely and just made me feel calm and loved#i also miss her so fucking much even though if i was still in ny i wouldn't be seeing them anyway#the drive was terrible we had like an hour of traffic because it was a holiday weekend and we completely forgot#and the whole reason im down in jersey is because my grandma's back in the hospital#so that's a whole cluster fuck i dont even feel like unpacking right now#and that's not even me having such weird and complex feelings about being back in a place i called home for 24 years#it's weird and it's a lot#on the bright side i got really really really good pizza and im getting phenomenal bagels in the morning#but im just so tired and overwhelmed and i want my girlfriend#personal
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My sister wanted to watch dance moms last night like… as if it’s a comedy… and my god is it not at all funny or enjoyable to watch. Crazy to me that it was even aired as entertainment at all considering how fuckin abusive the adults are to the children involved
#like hahaha these parents are so fuckin neglectful of their child’s emotions and is making their self esteem come entirely from winning#being skinny and attractive#the amount of ‘man up’ ‘tough love’ ‘stop crying’ ‘you have to put dance first’ etc. was insane#and hearing the moms say they were dancers from a young age or their kid ‘wants nothing but to win’ or ‘she’s a perfectionist’ or some shit#when you can tell it’s 100% the moms not the kids that are like that… just the sheer disconnect and lack of care for who they are#and ngl the teacher brought back horrible feelings from getting talked to like that by teachers in school#that shit’s awful and I can’t believe the parents would still force their child into that situation knowing the effect it has on them#eugh. just eugh#couldn’t make it through 1 episode and then cried after lmao#and the moms lowkey hating the dance teacher and having mental breakdowns over her rudeness/treatment of the kids AND YET STILL PAYING TO#HAVE THEIR KIDS IN HER CLASSES#like what the fuckkkkk your kid was sobbing after her ‘tough love’ and is stuck with immense pressure and stress about getting it right…#and she’s pitting them against each other and making the kids that aren’t as good feel lesser#maybe fucking stop ???#I guess the problem is the parents are just as bad just in their own way cuz they don’t give a shit if it hurts the kids either#as long as they win/stay in dance/stay being the best#the teacher not letting a kid stop because she was nauseous and the mom intervening because she looked like she was going to throw up… only#to say ‘stop crying its not a big deal’ and saying ‘you never miss dance though’ when the kid is sobbing saying she wants to go home#really got to me ngl… made me fucking sick to watch#me talking#dance moms
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