#so... no judgement i know it's more than just being ignorant 9 times out of 10

[incoherentbabblings]

I understand people joking about unintelligible accents/dialects sometimes I do but there is always something really surreal about seeing one that is either yours or one that you understand perfectly well being made the butt of a joke and you'll sit there like what's the joke they're being perfectly coherent!

There are many many many many examples of this but the one that is relevant for myself is the chap in Brave speaking Doric. He's not even speaking that fast.

If he was a wee bit closer I could lob a caber [tree trunk/log] at him, ken [you know]? and It's just nae fair making us fit [fight] for the hand of the quine [woman], it disnae whet an appetite, ken [you know]?

[charredpages]

[Alt text] ten screenshots of text posts by the user themme_fatale on Instagram. The text reads:

(1/10)

Do you remember the exact moment that anti-masking stopped being a far-right talking point

And became advice you were willing to follow?

(2/10)

I try to make the ways I communicate about COVID as compassionate and non-judgemental as possible because I understand that we have all been failed in this and my primary anger is always upwards.

BUT

I also need you to understand - if you are not taking precautions, you are aligning yourself with eugenicists.

The person who actively says “fuck disabled people they deserve to 💀” and never masks, and the person who never masks because ��It’s annoying and besides-no one else is” are BOTH devaluing people’s lives.

(3/10)

And that might feel confronting for some of you, and I know the knee-jerk reaction is probably going to be to deflect by accusing me of “shaming people” or whatever.

I’m not shaming anyone though - it’s just uncomfortable to sit with because if you’re the kind of person who follows me chances are you don’t actually want to be engaging in eugenics.

And re-engaging with the idea that COVID is not only still around, but still actively dangerous is asking a lot of you when the alternative is the comfort of denial.

Especially when so many of the tools to keep ourselves and each other safe have been taken away from us. But the thing is none of that is actually a reason not to act.

(4/10)

There are people IN YOUR COMMUNITY relying on you to take precautions so that they don’t d1e.

(5/10)

With love, and compassion for the fact that this shit is hard - ignorance is running out as an excuse. It’s time to do better, and help your mates do better too.

People in your community shouldn’t have to constantly remind you not to put their lives in danger. Surely you can see that’s a pretty fucked up dynamic, right?

(6/10)

We shouldn’t have to push so hard on “it’s good for you to protect yourself too!” Like it still absolutely is, but saving the lives of people in your community should actually be enough to motivate you to act.

It’s genuinely fucked up to be ok with a whole proportion of the population being either being locked in their homes indefinitely or at risk of 💀 on the daily.

(7/10)

It should be considered more socially awkward to engage in eugenics by k1lling and isolating disabled people in your own community than it is to put on a mask

The fact that it’s not should embarrass all of us until we change it.

(8/10)

It should be considered more selfish to put people’s lives at risk than to ask to be kept safe

Your choices can change or reinforce that culture.

(9/10)

Government inaction puts a weapon in your hand

Pretending it’s not there puts us all in danger

(10/10)

Why do you require a mandate to care about other people?

[milky-fixx]

day 9, sesshomaru: ruts

kinktobruary day 9

sesshomaru x reader // inuyasha

—sesshomaru has been acting strange lately. the last thing he needs is your oblivious questions.

tw/cws: knotting, ruts, dubcon, sesshomaru being too horny to have self-respect

It is troublesome, this burning heat. It stirs, just beneath the surface of his skin, coils between his muscles. It calls to him, urges him to find a warm body, to mount it. His claws elongate as he observes the heat diffusing from his palm. Hm. Even a demon of high caliber such as himself is powerless to nature’s calling.

Much less… his thoughts began to drift to you, his very human companion. There are things he wants to do to you, thoughts that he’s repressed in the past that come snarling towards him, breaking out of their cage. He frowns. This won’t do.

—

“Gosh, Sesshomaru really has been cranky all day, huh,” you remark, after the third time he’s evaded your presence. His silence and occasional ignoring is something you’re used to, but not him outright using his demonic speed to dash seven paces away from you.

Jaken shushes you urgently, glancing fearfully towards his master. “Lord Sesshomaru is going through a… difficult period.”

You frown. You disappeared to the modern era for a few days to sort through your college midterms, and when you came back, Sesshomaru was in this bristly mood. You can’t help but think you’re missing something.

“Is it Inuyasha?” You ask lowly, knowing all too well of his tumultuous relationship with his brother. “Does it have to do with his father?”

“No, and no, you daft human,” Jaken nags.

You’re more than used to Jaken’s insults. “Okay, so…. what’s up with him?”

The imp glances eyes you, before quickly changing the subject. Your frown deepens as you finish bending the stems to Rin’s flower crown, before calling her over and placing it on her head. While she chatters excitedly to you, you find your gaze straying to Sesshomaru’s tense form in the distance, just far enough where he can still keep an eye out for enemies, but not too close to your group. 

Whatever his problem is, you would get it out of Jaken some way.

—

You just don’t anticipate how you will. 

Sesshomaru’s been acutely avoiding any and all interactions with your group all day. It’s almost as if he’s a specter, lurking just outside of your field of vision. Except whenever he does get closer, you’re overwhelmed by a sense of—bloodlust? Malice? Something that simmers with intensity. You can’t quite pinpoint it, and whenever you ask Jaken, he seems to evade your question. Whatever it is, it sends shivers down your spine. 

When you set up camp for the night, he disappears entirely.

Your thoughts are plagued by worries for him, and you fall into a fitful sleep. What could possibly be causing him to be so on edge all day? You’re stirred into consciousness by something brushing against your nose. Your face scrunches up, and when you open your eyes, you see a flash of silver hair, curtaining your view, the same wave of bloodlust—

“Sesshomaru?” Just as his name leaves your mouth, his presence is gone in a flash, the air around you stirred. You sit up, glancing towards the direction of his after-image.

You weigh your options. Jaken did say he was going through a difficult time…. but you aren’t sure what is troubling him. Maybe it’s a demon thing? Should you really risk getting your head bitten off? 

Against your better judgement, you go searching for him. Sure, he’s a big, bad demon, but something is clearly bothering him. And as his.... friend—as loathe as he is to admit it—you can’t just leave him be. 

What you are not expecting is to see Sesshomaru hunched over by a tree as if in pain. You call out his name, running towards him, but are stopped by a feral snarl as he turns towards you, his eyes flashing red.

“Leave. Now.”

“What’s wrong? I—”

As you approach closer, you notice several things. His claws are sunk into the tree, the poison leeching from it and decaying the bark. The markings on his face are fiercer, more striking, and his fangs protrude from his lips. His eyes flash more and more red with every moment; he looks every bit a wild animal. But, and perhaps the most scandalous of all, he grips his cock in one clawed hand, erect and red, and apparently he was jerking off.

You try not to stare, you really do, but your eyes instinctively dart down there as you feel heat creep to your cheeks at the position you’ve caught him in. 

His hand has stopped moving, but his cock stands throbbing, looking painfully erect. You gulp.

“You’re just a mere human. You wouldn’t understand—”

“You’re… horny,” you state, blandly.

“Human—” His eyes flash dangerously.

“You’re...” Your mind flashes through possibilities. Sesshomaru seems unable to control his... not bloodlust, but carnal lust. He is a dog demon, which means.. he could possibly be... “In a... rut?”

He stills. A vein pops out in his jaw, his fangs seeming even more prominent.

“I… I studied this in school. Once.” Freshman biology, but he doesn’t need to know that. “Do you need—” You’re not sure what you’re asking him. What does he need? A hole? A demonness to fuck?

This is awkward. His eyes follow you like a predator, that wave of lust washing over you again. You stifle a shiver.

“Before your arrival,” he says suddenly, the piercing quality of his words startling you. “I had no such issues dealing with these… urges. But now, they are quite...” His claws dig into the bark further, and the bark snaps. “Incorrigible.”

“Oh.” You blink. “I’m… sorry?”

“This is partly your doing,” he growls.

“Uh-huh...”

“I... am tempted to ask you to fix it.”

This is where your brain grinds to a halt, your jaw dropping. His sharp gaze hones in on the way your mouth opens enticingly, and you notice, snapping it shut. “I—you want me to—”

He makes a frustrated growl in the back of his throat. “Disregard that.” And then he’s stalking away, each step seeming painful, emphasized even more by the engorged flesh sticking out of his pants.

“W-Wait, Sesshomaru—”

He’s on you in a flash, before you can even blink, and you freeze. “I suggest—” The warmth of his breath washes over you, and this close you can feel just how hot he’s running, his entire body diffusing heat. “That you don’t—call me—like that—”

“Like what?” you blurt out. “I’m just saying your name.”

His lip curls over his fangs. His eyes clench in frustration. You seem to be testing the limits of his patience.

“Sesshomaru, what—”

In a flash, he’s pressing you against another tree, and his lips are claiming yours. There’s nothing gentle about it, his fangs digging into your lip. You flinch when you feel blood trickle down your chin, and he snarls at the taste of it, before pulling away.

“For one of the less idiotic humans, you can be quite obstinate.”

“I’m...” You blink, dazed. “Sorry?”

His mouth is claiming yours again, his chestplate pressing you into the bark. You feel the heat of his cock pressed up against your thigh, and you shudder at the sensation. It’s hitting you now.

Sesshomaru, one of the most ethereally beautiful people you’ve seen, the most powerful demon in the Feudal Era, wants to... he’s this frenzied up because of... because of you. You, an average human.

Your thigh nudges against his length, and he breaks the kiss to snarl, his fangs lowering to graze your collarbone. Your breath hitches, and one, clawed finger comes up to shred your shirt. You yelp as the cold air hits you only to be devoured by the heat of his mouth on your skin. His fingers claws through the material of your bra, and you yelp again.

“Hey, that was one of my favorites!” you say, indignant. He scoffs, his mouth suctioning over the give of your flesh possessively.

You moan, arching into his touch, as you stare down at him. You don’t dare touch his silver hair, afraid of how he may lash out on you, but your hands do come up to his shoulders, tugging the fabric.

You tense when one of his fingers lowers itself to your hip, and then he’s ripping the panties and skirt off in one clawed swipe.

“We really... have to talk about you ruining all my clothing,” you say, weakly, your affront tempered by his actions.

He scoffs again. “You won’t need such flimsy things in just a moment.”

“Ah...”

His finger slides against your slit, collecting your release, as you writhe against his touch. He’s aware of the softness of your flesh in comparison to his demon claws so he doesn’t do anything much other than rub his finger back and forth along you. He growls once he’s satisfied with the amount of slick coating your area, before leaning back and aligning the his cock to your entrance.

“A-ah wait—“ Your eyes widen at his considerable length; you’re not nearly ready to take him in. But then he’s canting his hips forward, not penetrating you, but sliding his cock along your slick till he reaches your ass cheeks. He continues this rocking motion, his lips pulled back in a snarl. You moan, dropping your head back, before wincing as it hits the unyielding bark. His hand comes up to cradle your head. “Thanks,” you murmur.

His sharp gaze is fixated on the way his length slides against you, and rubs against your slick; the way your arousal gleams on his shaft under the moonlight.

His hips begin to rock faster now, a growl building up in his throat. You wince at the dig of his armor against your bare skin, gripping his shoulders as you attempt to find some grounding.

You feel his cock throbbing insistently against you, his pre-ejaculate mixing with your arousal to make for an easy slide against you.

He growls, his eyes narrowing. His grip digs into your hip as his thrusts become choppier. You get the sense he’s frustrated.

“Do you want to... put it in?”

His gaze flashes up to you, surprise in the bleeding red, as you continue. “I... that’ll help abate your rut right? I don’t mind... you using me.”

You have little else you can say, because Sesshomaru sheathes himself inside you in one thrust. You gasp, your eyes clenching at the feel of him stretching you to your limits.

“Ever heard of a... a warning?” you manage to choke out.

He shows no mercy, his hips ruthlessly pounding into yours once given the go ahead. It’s clear Sesshomaru is losing his grip on rule or reason now, his eyes maintaining their blood-red state. You wince as his elongated claws press into the meat of your waist. He fucks you like he takes down foes: with ruthless precision. Once his cock hits that spot that has you keening against him, he begins hammeringinto it, and your eyes began to water at the sheer intensity and rapidness at which your pleasure is mounting.

At the sight of your tears, however, he seems to slow down. His tongue darts out to lick them off your face, and he’s observing you, before his thrusts slow to a leisurely lull. When the palm of his hand comes down to press against your clit, the stimulation, combined with the way his cock is plunging into you in long, deep thrusts, has you writhing against him.

“S-Sesshomaru—”

You feel something bulbous forming at the base of his cock, stretching you wider, and you look down. Protruding from his cock is a thick knot, and you gulp once you realize that’s going into you.

You’re approaching your end. He snarls as you tighten around him, both his hands gripping your hips to him now, as your walls clench around him, nearly trapping his cock with their grip.

Sesshomaru thrusts once before pressing deep inside you, a throaty grunt tearing from him. You shiver as you feel copious amounts of warmth seep into you, and it remains inside you due to the knot plugging you up. The moment seems to stretch on forever, his hips jerking into yours in minute movements, and then it’s over.

The two of you are stuck together. You shift only to wince once it jerks at his knot. He grunts, keeping your hips in place.

“Sorry,” you say. And then, when a few more minutes have passed, and the two of you are still in the same position, you ask, “Ah, when can we.... detach?”

Sesshomaru grunts. “Once it deflates.”

“Ah... and when will that be?”

He shifts. “This Sesshomaru is claiming you as his. It will take awhile.”

“Ah, okay—wait, what?”

He presses you closer to him, and you rest your head against his chest. While the feel of cooling cum usually is gross, the heat of his body keeps you warm and feeling full. His clawed fingers gradually begin to trail through you hair. After several minutes that seem to stretch into eons, the bond keeping you to him diminishes, and you shiver when you feel some of his spend trickle down your thigh.

Instead of the hard flesh inside you softening, however, it stays stiff. You still, glancing up at him to see his markings still vibrant, his red eyes glowing distinctly.

“Did you really think we were done, human? The Demon Lord of the West surely does not possess such a meager drive.”

—

The next morning, you come up with some half-assed excuse to Rin about why you’re wearing a kimono from the local seamstress, and not your usual outfit. And why you can’t seem to walk anymore, and Sesshomaru has to carry you everywhere.

“(Y/N) must have fallen and hurt themselves.” She giggles.

“Yes, Rin... on a very large... stick.” Sesshomaru’s claws dig into your backside in warning. “I mean—tree branch.”

“Silly (Y/N)! It’s a good thing Lord Sesshomaru is around to take care of you.”

(Meanwhile, Jaken has yet to be seen since he encountered the two of you this morning. He’s too busy cleansing his eyes and nose out in a lake.)

[hurlumerlu]

Extending the same level of courtesy: 9, 12 and 22 for dragon age

Sorry about the delay, I started to think about my answers and promptly went insane. Then the trailers for DA4 droped and despite having 150 grievances and 236 fears - or maybe because -I went insane some more. I did get a few somewhat coherent thoughts out, though !

9. worst part of canon

So I typed like half a LibreOffice page on why the way Inquisition deals with the mage/templar conflict was an incredible example of setting things up for almost no payoff, and then I went on a tangent about my frustrations with how Orlais in general is written, and then half another LibreOffice page on the fact that so much of canon is in supplementary material and how that does negatively impact my enjoyement of the games, with a long parenthesis on how Alistair being a half-elf makes the lore actively worse, all the while taking numerous breaks because I was not being normal about all of this and I wanted to be normal about all this, but clearly I cannot be normal, about any of this. Anyway, worst part of canon is still the use of the term Tranquil Solution in DA2. Pretty sure we already talked about that but it's just. It's so bad. Why.

12. the unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them

Well, as you pointed out this fandom is big enough and discoursey enough for pretty much all characters to have their ardant defensers - which is actually a good thing I think. I also think that the nature of the games necessarily means that a playthrough can never cover every aspect of a character and that you might easily miss an interaction that could nuance or improve your opinion of them. Vivienne is kind, warm and extremely straightforward with her goals if you take the time to befriend her. I didn't like Blackwall in my first playthrough, and never brought him anywhere, but his romance turned out to be my favourite of all Inquisition. It's pretty obvious Fenris and Sebastian don't fear all mages if you have Bethany in your party. If you don't blame Aveline for your mother's death, she gives you a speech on grief that I personaly find deeply touching. Sten often approves having his views challenged. Oghren is not just a walking crude joke, if you try to view his character with just a bit more grace, etc. So rather than pick one character people should like more I'll just say that if someone ever replays the games, they should try to put aside everything that annoyed them about whichever character they dislike the most and spend some time interracting with them with fresh eyes. It's often worth it. (I did write a love letter to Aveline, though)

22. your favorite par of canon that everyone else ignores

DWARVEN SOCIETIES. okay, i'm exagerating a bit. Idk that it's my absolute favrite part, and I know the dwarven lore is enjoyed by at least 20 people worldwide. But the fandom as a whole does not seem to care about the dwarves, except to ask if Varric is fuckable (no judgement, I get it). But there is so much there! Their rigid cast system and conservatism that are fucking everyone up, their disconect from the fade/lack of dream (and yet they can be made to dream, as shown by a dwarven warden or inquisitor), how that helps them handling lyrium but only to a point, their especially high resistance to the taint because of their proximity with the Darkspawn, their proximity with the Darkspawn, THE LEGION OF THE DEAD, the paragons and the Stone, the Titans, Sandal? And surface dwarves are also deeply compelling. Cut from their roots, otherized by what everyone else around them insist on calling "their people". When Varric tells a story of his brother blowing up at him for breaking a plate and ends with something like "that plate was the whole city of Orzammar to him", does that get to no one else? just me?

Chose violence ask game (I did not particularly chose violence)

[s3xycryptid]

A New Doctor (Fictional Piece)

A/N: I wrote this about a year ago and originally posted it to r/transerotica. 3000 words, first person POV, trans man x cis man, trans man x cis woman. Contains: talk of impregnation, medical/gynecology kink, anatomical terms for genitalia, sub/bottom trans man, dubcon, over-stimulation, praise, humiliation/embarrassment.

My annual trip to the gynecologist was never something I looked forward to. The exam itself was unpleasant, but my main fear was the waiting room. What really triggered my dysphoria was sitting in the same space as a bunch of cisgender women. What were they thinking when they heard my name called, followed by a bearded man standing and entering the exam rooms? I would try and sit as close to the door as possible so I wouldn't have to walk past their judging eyes. At the very least, my doctor was kind. She checked in with me before every action and never used gendered language about my body parts. She did everything as quickly as possible and let me get dressed again before going over anything with her. She came highly recommended by trans men, and I had to agree her kindness was worth the hour drive out of my way.

So, needless to say, I was thoroughly distressed when I arrived at my appointment and learned she had a family emergency that day.

"We sent you a text," said the receptionist, smiling apologetically.

I fumbled for my phone and glanced at the lock screen. A text had come in just minutes after I left my house, unnoticed.

"Shit. When's her next availability?" I asked, opening my calendar app.

The receptionist typed for what I felt was far longer than necessary to get my doctor's schedule up. She squinted at the screen and said, "March 27th at 9."

"March," I repeated. It was only August. "Like, next year?"

"Yes, I'm very sorry. You know she's in high demand."

I groaned. "You're sure she can't just squeeze me in some time next week? I'll be back at school in March, and she told me it was really important to have this checkup before I left."

"Well," the receptionist began, tapping her fingers on the keyboard a few more times. "No, but there is another doctor here who has an opening right now due to a last-minute cancellation. Doctor Kane. He also takes your insurance, and has a few patients like you already. This practice tries very hard to be trans inclusive, you know."

I looked down at my phone again. The thought of male gynecologists always skeeved me out. I felt like you had to be a special kind of perverted to want to spend your life looking at pussy all day without even having your own. But maybe I was just being judgemental. Also, I had driven all this way and was left with no other option besides ignoring my health, which I did not want to risk.

"Fine," I said. "I'll see him. Just make sure he knows the drill so I don't have to explain too much, y'know?"

"Of course, we'll loan him your files to review. Just sign this form approving it and then have a seat!"

I glanced over the paper, scribbled my name and the date, and went to my corner of the waiting room. I played with my phone for about fifteen minutes before the nurse finally called me and I hurried into the exam room. She handed me the traditional blue dressing gown and left me to change. I folded my clothes neatly on the chair and sat on the exam table, waiting to meet the male gynecologist.

The door opened not much later and a middle aged man wearing a white coat and business casual outfit entered. His hair was short and brown, flecked with silver. He smiled at me and extended a hand, deep brown eyes making direct contact with my own.

"Owen? I'm Doctor Kane, nice to meet you."

"Yeah, same," I said, shaking his hand. He had a firm grip and remarkably soft skin, and his arm hair crept out of his long sleeves and over his knuckles.

"Sorry to hear your usual doctor had an emergency, but I'm sure I can be just as helpful," he said with a wink.

I wasn't sure what he was winking about but I gave him an awkward thumbs up. "Yeah, it's mostly just regular checkup stuff. Nothing complicated, I don't think."

"No, not at all." He sat at the rolling desk chair and opened a folder. "So, let's get right into it. First, your tests all came back negative. No STDs, no pregnancy, nothing unusual at all. Your T levels are also fine for someone who's been on it for…"

"Six years, almost," I offered.

"Quite right. The beard looks great, by the way. And if you could lay back, I'll check your breast tissue and we can see how the chest hair's coming along," he said with a warm smile.

I knew men can get breast cancer, though top surgery had reduced my chances. Still, this was necessary. Having my breasts fondled felt strange before they were gone, but since my surgery it felt like there was a disconnect between the sensation and watching the action. Even though it had been a few years, there was numbness there.

At least, I thought there was. I laid back, legs dangling over the edge, and let Doctor Kane pull back the top of my gown. He put a gloved hand over my right breast first and began gently squeezing. I got goosebumps.

"Your chest hair is also coming in great. And whoever did your surgery did an amazing job; the scarring is almost non-existent," he commented, and moved his hand to my left breast. "Tell me, do your nipples have sensation back yet?"

"Oh, uh. Kind of." I wasn't sure, I didn't find myself testing them very often anymore. Last I checked, there was a faint feeling when they were pinched hard enough. But I didn't need to tell this guy that.

"That should be part of this kind of checkup. They're an important part of your anatomy." His hands were still on my chest. A finger brushed over my flat nipple in a way that felt intentional. "Tell me if you feel this." He said, tone still clinical as he pinched my left nipple gently.

My other doctor had never spent any time talking about my nipples, let alone touching them. Did this man know something she didn't? It was strange, having a doctor do something I primarily did during sex. Though, I had to admit, that was what gynecologists normally did: touch intimate parts of your body.

"I do," I said, maintaining the same level of professionalism as him.

He smiled and nodded, then pinched the right nipple noticeably harder, but not painfully. "And this?"

I felt my body react, a shiver all the way down to my crotch. He chuckled and let go. "Good to know, I'll add it to my chart. Now, you can put the top back on and sit with your legs in the stirrups."

The way he laughed made me flush, embarrassed by my involuntary movement. I felt less like I was being examined and more like I was being toyed with. But I did see him write something down in his notebook as I re-positioned myself. This was always the worst part, the part my regular doctor tried to get over with as fast as possible. Doctor Kane did not seem to be in a rush.

"Scoot down just a bit more," he said, taking my hips in his hands and tugging until I was at the very edge of the table, legs spread. "Perfect. I see the hair is thick down here too."

"Yeah," I chuckled nervously. Was that a good thing? He seemed to appreciate how hairy I was.

“Oh, before I begin, would you like to have a nurse hold your hand for comfort? Some people find it helps distract from the unpleasantness of it all.”

I remembered having a nurse hold my hand when my IUD was inserted, but my doctor never offered that for a routine checkup. It sounded nice, so I agreed. I wished he had asked before I had put my legs up, though, as I sat there awkwardly while we waited. A nice-looking young woman soon entered the room and introduced herself as Anna. She had hazel eyes and red-dyed hair pulled into a tight ponytail. She offered me her gloved hand to hold as Doctor Kane returned to his seat.

"So, we're checking to make sure your IUD is still in place along with the regular business," he said, opening a bottle of lube. "I'll start with that."

That was the only warning he gave before I felt the metal push into me. I let out a startled squeak, gripping Anna’s hand tighter and he laughed lightly in return. I could no longer see what he was doing from my position, but I felt him opening my hole wider to get a better look. It must have been five minutes of being spread like that. Anna complimented how good and patient I was being, but the reality was I couldn't even bring myself to ask what was taking him so long. It was too embarrassing. I could hear him writing and mumbling to himself, though, so I assumed he was doing something important.

Then, as quickly as it had penetrated me, the metal tool was gone and Doctor Kane emerged from my legs. "Everything looks good down here!" he said cheerfully. "I did notice something in your notes, though, which is that there's no record of your bottom growth progress."

"Is there… supposed to be?" I asked, looking between him and the nurse. I'd measured it once, for fun, but I didn't think it was my doctor's business.

"It's another metric of making sure your testosterone is doing what it's supposed to."

"Oh, I guess that makes sense." I said, and it did. Clitoris health seemed like something gynecologists should be concerned about as well. "I don't know what it started at, though."

"That's alright. I'll just measure it now and make sure it gets measured every time in the future. Just one thing you should know. Like a penis, it has a different length when hard. So, in order for this measurement to be accurate, I have to measure it both flaccid and erect."

"Right, so…" I hesitated, trying to put together what he was suggesting.

"We need to get your clitoris hard."

My face flushed. The way he said it so simply, so clinically, like he was telling me I needed a shot, made it unquestionable. Of course the gynecologist needed my little t-dick to be hard so he could measure it for his notes. Why wouldn't that be part of the routine? I felt embarrassed again.

“Of… of course,” I said, shifting a little on the exam table. My pussy lips felt cold from the lube.

“Nurse, if you wouldn’t mind getting that information, I have to go speak with another patient for a moment.”

Anna nodded and Doctor Kane smiled at both of us before swiftly leaving the room.

“Don’t worry, Owen,” she said, pulling a plastic ruler from her pocket. “I’ve done this plenty of times before. Just let me know if anything feels wrong.” And with that, she sat where the doctor had been and I could no longer see her.

I felt the edge of the ruler against my clit, lingering a bit longer than I would have expected. She scribbled down a number. Then I felt her gloved fingers slide along my hole, gathering the lube and spreading it over my dick. It was methodical, gentle stroking. I was getting hard. She rubbed the hood with her thumb in circles, carefully slid her fingers over the sides, and teased the head with a finger. I tried to be still, but my hips betrayed me as I bucked forward into her touch. Her free hand pushed my hip back down and she continued as if it hadn’t happened.

“Do you like girls, Owen?” she asked casually, as if her fingers weren’t circling my cock.

“Y-yeah. I like everyone.”

“That’s nice. Me too. Do you have a partner?”

“Not right now.”

“Oh, that’s a shame. I’m sure you’ll find someone, if you want to, that is.”

I opened my mouth to reply but only a moan came out as she quickened her pace. Her fingers felt amazing. She knew exactly how to give a trans man a good handjob, and I didn’t want to cum in such a professional setting. She wasn’t doing this to pleasure me, she just needed to know how big my dick got when it was hard. She was a paid nurse, she must have gone through years of school just to get this job, I couldn’t ruin that for her with my inappropriate behavior. And yet, I started to feel a climax build as her gloved fingers slid around my clit over and over.

Then, proving my point, she stopped. I exhaled heavily, slightly shaking. I felt the plastic against my dick again, heard the scribbling, and then she stood up.

“You did a good job,” she said. “Your growth is excellent as well.”

I was already flushed from arousal, but the praise made me even redder. I averted her eyes. I felt guilty. She was just doing her job.

“Leave your legs up, please. I’ll be right back with Doctor Kane.”

As far as I could tell, there was no reason to keep my legs in the stirrups. In fact, I would have been dressed and out the door by now with my regular doctor. She never touched me like this. Was it… wrong? Or was she wrong? Was this the way it should have been the whole time? My dick exposed to the cool air, hole dripping from the stimulation, I felt like maybe I should get up and leave. Maybe even tell someone.

But they came back before I could even get one leg down.

“Now Owen,” said Doctor Kane. “Thank you for being so patient. I know this kind of thing can be uncomfortable for trans men like yourself. You’ve been doing so well for us.”

He was standing at the end of the table now, looking down at my pussy. Anna stood beside me again, ready to do as she was told. The Doctor put on a fresh pair of gloves and patted my leg.

“There’s only one more thing. Your IUD is in place, yes. But we need to make sure it works.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well, normally we could tell if you had a partner regularly ejaculating inside you. But Anna tells me you don’t. So, I’ll be conducting the test myself.”

My mind felt fuzzy. Himself? He couldn’t mean what I thought he meant. I heard his belt jingling.

“Wait-” I started, but Anna covered my mouth.

She took my hand in her other hand and gave it a squeeze. “Don’t worry, he’s a doctor.”

Something warm pushed itself into my cunt. It filled me up and I moaned into Anna’s palm. I squeezed her hand even tighter and she squeezed mine back.

“That’s a good boy,” she whispered, looking me in the eyes. “Let him do his job for you.”

I nodded. Doctor Kane’s dick was fully inside me, and he began to thrust. His hands gripped my hips tightly and I could not move away, only rock with him. Anna didn’t move her hand from my mouth, stifling my cries and moans as the doctor fucked me. She held me down so I could only look at her or the ceiling, leaving me oblivious to what he might do next.

His thumb began stroking my dick. The combination of being fucked so deeply, feeling so exposed, and the sensation of being touched again forced me to orgasm within seconds. I practically screamed. And of course, he didn’t stop or even slow down. Me cumming was not the goal, it was a byproduct of the testing. My back arched and I squirmed, trying to get away from the overstimulation but Anna let go of my hand in favor of pushing me down onto the table, making me hold still so the doctor could finish his job.

His cock was a nearly perfect fit for me. It hit exactly the right spots, the spots that were now even more sensitive. It started to feel good again after a minute of thrusting, and when he heard my moans picking back up he began to go faster.

“You’re taking it so well,” Anna commented. Her hand trailed back up my chest and under the gown. She reached a nipple and pinched, hard. I squealed and she grinned. “What a sensitive boy.” And she did it again.

The pinching brought me over the edge again, cumming so hard I felt dizzy, and the relentless fucking continued. The doctor barely made any sound, just heavy breathing as he grew closer to his own orgasm. The pleasure I got from cock made me feel a mixture of shame and excitement. He was doing his job, it wasn’t for me, but the longer he went, the better it felt. It was impressive how he kept his stamina up while I had already cum twice and was beginning to feel more like a fleshlight than a patient.

Of course, it didn’t last forever. Another few minutes of intense thrusting and grinding and I felt him twitch inside me, semen flowing into my vagina, hopefully not taking a permanent residence. At the same time, I came a third time, violently shaking and moaning against Anna’s firm grasp. I felt raw. Used. But good.

“Very well handled,” said Doctor Kane. “Let’s check back in two weeks, to be safe.”

I nodded, in a stupor. The doctor left, and Anna stayed behind to help me clean up. She even kissed my cheek before she, too, left. On my way out, I made an appointment to see Doctor Kane again, and requested to make him my primary gynecologist at this place. He clearly knew how to treat trans men.

[taarene]

Taroscope for Sagittarius: The Unexplained

This spread is for all those with Sagittarius in Sun, Rising, Moon, or Venus.

If this reading resonates with you and you would like a personal reading, feel free to message me privately.

The Problem: 9 of Cups Reversed + Knight of Swords + 2 of Swords + King of Cups Reversed + Queen of Cups Reversed

Notice the amount of Swords, representing both internal and external conflicts. In this case, we see both. There’s also a royal pair from the Cups suit, indicating a problem related to two people once united by romantic love. A conflict has divided the King and Queen, and now they turn their backs on each other. The 2 of Swords reinforces that their future is uncertain (keep this in mind as we proceed further into the reading). The lack of eye contact and being turned away from each other, coupled with the 2 of Swords, indicates a truce. You are in a waiting phase. The Knight of Swords, being upright, suggests that while the conflict was intense, maybe even violent, truths were spoken during it.

More on your attitude towards the situation: Page of Swords + Lovers Reversed + 3 of Swords Reversed

You're currently gathering the courage and honesty to express some unspoken feelings (Lovers). The last card hints at what those feelings are: guilt and an inability to come to terms with what happened.

Hidden causes of the problem: Ace of Swords Reversed

You were at war with each other back then; hurtful words were frequently exchanged, leaving lasting scars. This Ace also shows that both of you may have been immature at the time, unwilling to grow. Aggression, perhaps from your side, played a role.

Obvious, but unclear to Sagittarius, causes of the problem: Queen of Wands

It seems you wanted the Queen or King of Cups, but you got the Queen of Wands or... well, you know. In such cases, look—you’re a fire sign, represented by the Wands court. Here we have fire meeting fire. The Devil card fell out during shuffling, indicating you might have tried to control this person, but the Queen of Wands is not someone who can be controlled. She will fight back. This person did not meet your expectations and disappointed you.

What to focus on: Page of Wands

Pages often speak of potential, and in this case, the potential for Something comes with risks, so keep that in mind—especially given how emotionally invested you are.

What can be ignored or skipped: Empress

Phew, how can you ignore the Empress?? She symbolizes fertility and abundance in many areas of life, including satisfying and lasting love. These are wonderful things, but on this position, the Empress advises you not to get too attached to these hopes, to avoid deep hurt if things don’t go as planned. It seems you desire more than just to apologize. The Empress speaks of the potential for growth, of seeds that sprout into fruitful things. So I suspect you harbor greater hopes than just a conversation. That’s not bad, just keep in mind that things can go either way. You’re still at the stage of the Page, gathering something within, and it’s still too early to predict how much you might gain.

Lesson from the problem: Death + Judgement

Death speaks of transformation, a cutting off from your former self; of discovering the powerful strength within to confront this situation. In Death, the path that leads you to these beautiful transformations passes through fear, pain, a sense of loss, or even despair. Judgement indicates that your new self will be born happy and light because you will gain the forgiveness you seek from this person. You will experience relief and liberation. You will gain deeper insight into your inner self, and your ideals and values will be strengthened.

Gained experience that will serve you later: King of Wands + 7 of Cups Reversed + 9 of Pentacles + Tower

The King of Wands reigns over your element, fire; this is a sign of your great internal growth. What you are going through will teach you not to delay certain actions, whatever it is that usually holds you back. The status quo will be shattered, once and for all, for better or worse.

Future: 7 of Swords + 10 of Wands + 4 of Swords

This 10 symbolizes the completion of your difficult task, while the 7 shows finding a solution to this tough situation... and you will finally find peace. There is a chance that you will overcome this person’s emotional distance.

Deck used: Bianco Nero Tarot

[amethystsoda]

It’s kind of cliche how stereotypical my abuse and indoctrination was growing up—

(I guess this is technically a bit of trauma dumping??? But hopefully it’s more like “here are some experiences other traumatized millennials will relate to.” We share in this history together 🤝)

Family was into religious cult activities (aka evangelical pentecostals) and made us spend lots of time at church (good for becoming someone who cares about others and giving, but not good bc brainwashing/shaming/etc)

Only got one year of kindergarten before getting pulled into homeschool after a move. Mother got into talk radio and the conservative brain poisoning.

Not allowed to watch cartoons other than veggie tales. Christian bookstore almost exclusively. Hyper patriotic. ONe nation under GOD!!!!!!! *eagle caw*

Rapture scare and apocalypse fear—don’t deny Jesus if someone tries to shoot you and make you renounce Christ. Forced to watch The Omega Code at way too young. Listened to the audiobooks of all the Left Behind series (content including rapture, natural disasters, assassinations, beheadings for not taking the mark of the beast, etc).

My biggest fear around 7-10 years old was that I would have to be loyal to Jesus and get beheaded. I literally sat around thinking about how scary a guillotine was and how I would have to steel myself to accept that fate.

Also as a Pentecostal family, my parents believed in speaking in tongues. Cue up me at maybe 4 years old being forced to “learn the language” (I was getting no divine insight, no spiritual spark. I was a child with my brain still developing)

but being put into the empty bathtub until “the spirit worked” (aka I faked it and replicated how my parents did it with tear streaked cheeks, just so I could escape that hell).

Spanking as punishment… I wasn’t even that bad of a kid. They just didn’t know how to handle me being an independent thinker and curious.

Talk out problems?? Nah. Open palm spanking your butt will silence you and train you not to talk back. You said something I don’t like??? Time to push you to the wall and grab your chin and yell at you until you “repent.” (No wonder my response eventually was just to shut down.)

It didn’t stop there. When we got older and they didn’t spank as much. It was “you have to pray and repent out loud” “you have to read scripture.” And for someone who went nonverbal during those times, it was so painful to do.

I got diagnosed with adhd in kindergarten but my mom basically said “that doesn’t exist” and ignored it. I had tons of sensory issues and that motor system stuff where you trip or are clumsy a lot. I cried when the crinoline of dresses scratched my legs. I was hyper fixated on red shoes and butterflies.

I had purity training at 9 years old. A sliding scale off a cliff diagram of “dangerous actions” (the start was holding hands. Off the cliff was laying in bed naked and sex).

Growing up fat and constant throat infections but no doctor’s care because “you just need to pray when you’re sick and quote scripture and god will heal you.” The advil? Hidden up in the kitchen cupboard and judgement any time you would reach for it.

I remember never talking about crushes too because everyone would embarrass me. I didn’t know any terms for demisexual/bisexual. I just knew I felt deep love for everyone, and sexual desire for almost no one.

I often think about how things could have been different. How I ended up parenting myself and only relying on myself. No one else would care for me, so I had to.

Sure there were occasionally good moments.

I’m sure my mother was trying her best with my dad constantly at work until late hours.

But it also could have been so much better…

If you also grew up like this, I am holding you so tenderly. I’m holding a warm washcloth to the old wounds and wiping the childhood tears off your face.

I’m giving 10 year old you a mug of hot cocoa and a warm blanket and putting cartoons on. There’s no yelling. No threat of abuse. You’re safe 🫂🫂

We’ve been through so much, but there are better days ahead. 💖💖💖

[myfakecandyy]

Annika x Ichiru Drabble

This fic most likely wont makes sense unless you know the established lore I've created for this realationship but given that I am my own target audience I'm fine. This account is my archive and word vomit spam, and a place to share my girls and the content I make for them with my freinds.

In life, I’ve found you are often left at crossroads, choices small and unassuming yet lead you to moments that make up the essence of your being. This moment, this night, was a crossroad for her. Under the vivid glow of the ceiling light, Annika couldn’t help but feel exposed, cracks of light filling up the deepest corners of her body and face, leaving nothing hidden in a safe shade cover. 

It was just a few minutes ago; against her better judgement, she had agreed to go home with him. Had her friends been there in that moment, neither would have been spared of relentless teasing, but it was under the cold, indifferent light of the moon, the sole witness, that she dared to reach out to his extended hand. There was something in his eyes, a determination reflected into her own; once Ichiru had truly set his mind on something, he would see his ambition to the end. It was a trait she adored, so under such a gaze, Annika couldn’t help but fold, for against her harsh words and the falsities she would impart, her weakness stayed with him. 

Like teenagers on the cusp of new realisations, they were both caught up in the moment, having spent the whole day together at each other’s necks, tensions built into more than could be expressed with words. They had not been alone today of course, Annika often found herself in the same quartet, her, her friend, her friend’s lover and her friend’s lover’s brother, and today was no exception. Having a rare day of freedom among adult obligations, a quiet day off at the beach seemed like medicine for the soul. However, as the sunlight came to a close, it seemed neither of them was willing to let go of the day.

Only when her phone lit up, the time shown clearly, could she see the inherent implications of the situation, being left alone in a man’s room at a less-than-proper hour. 9:52 pm. But Ichiru wasn’t like that, and she was sure the thought had not even crossed his mind. No, In all her piety, the one at fault today was her, from how her mind wandered as she watched him at the beach to the predicament she finds herself in now. She was at the end of a crossroad. 

She was determined to ignore these feelings, but feelings like air bubble from the pit of her stomach and threaten to spill out, pitiful almost to think her body and mind could never be in agreement. Nervous, almost expectant, she could only hold her breath and the covers of a bed that was not hers. 

She couldn’t help but sigh, turning to lie on her side, burying herself into the covers, a weak defence. She was glad Ichiru had excused himself to shower, something he needed after being buried in the sand earlier. She smiled fondly. She could still remember the panicked look on his face after telling him she would leave him for the tide; he was pretty cute sometimes, maybe. Would you call her silly for the small thoughts that permeate her mind?

“This room is just like him,” She felt. “What a loser.” Harsh words could never hold such affection unless it were her, unless it was her about him. Just as she let herself relax and smile softly, her short rest came to a close as he was standing at the door. To say the sight of her sprawled across his bed, still in her swimsuit, patiently waiting for him, ignited something in his brain would be an understatement. 

“Hey, sorry to leave you alone for a sec; that sand was just so annoying,” he made his way over to Annika, still under the covers, sitting right next to her. “Oi, what are you hiding for?”

“I’m not hiding, thank you very much. It’s just… cold?” A lie. A woman’s pride lies in being faultless, the arrogance of man enough motive to prove them wrong, and so emerging from the sanctity of the covers, exposed once again, she looks to the man of her affections with faux disdain.

Not in her right mind, she immediately became aware of his frame, how his shirt clung to his body, how his hair stuck to his stupid face, an emotion overflowing she refused to name. It’s too shameful of a woman to ask for something she was not owed. She had always thought he was attractive, but maybe there was something in this dreaded light. In most situations, he was pretty cute, she had no trouble voicing those thoughts, but now she was reminded for the first time that he, indeed, was a man. Her stare remained longer than she would admit before settling on his still-wet hair, droplets falling down his face. 

“Bro, you haven’t even dried your hair. Were you in such a rush to get to me or something?” He was. She beckoned him to come closer, and like a dog, he listened, closing the already small gap between them. Wordlessly she ran her fingers through his hair, an act far more intimate than intended. “See, you’re going to get sick.” Her mind was half unease from worry, but a much more… primitive side of her longed to touch him again. She sheepishly reached towards the towel hanging from his shoulders, her hand brushing his neck for a moment, yet just enough to feel him react to her touch. 

“Don’t move for a minute, ok,” she demanded, beginning to dry his hair clumsily, “I don’t want you to get sick.”

Perhaps fed up with her pestering, he grabbed her wrist, halting her progress. Yet there was something in that lingering touch that such a warm sensation could spread from her skin to invade the solitude of her heart. Perhaps the answer lies in how his hand stayed for just a bit more than needed, neither an unwelcome intrusion nor something fully embraced, but in honesty, the truth lies in the way she felt its absence the moment it was gone. She turned away from him. 

“I can dry my own hair. I’m not a little kid.” he pouts, but his deflection is weak, a mask for more hidden thoughts. Had he invited her with innocence, lacking any unseen intentions, it would have been fine, but her slight prodding and the ill-concealed hunger in her eyes, do nothing but add fuel to an already blaring fire. 

“Well, you’re not staying on the bed with me until it’s dry, so… you can sit on the floor or something.” She playfully pushed him away, suddenly finding his presence too much. 

“Huh!? How does that make sense? You can sit on the floor, and it’s my bed.” 

“Ha, I’d like to see you try,” A challenge, an invitation, “I’m not moving my guy.” 

To some extent, Annika should know better; Ichiru was always one to take her words seriously, which may be why she feels the need to provoke him. In an instant, he whisked her away from the protection of the bed, and she found herself in the arms of the bane of her existence.

“PUT ME DOWN. You bitch ass!!? What the fuck? This is no way to treat a lady, much less a guest!!” she struggled, squirming against his grasp. Had he always been this strong? 

“I’d hardly call you a lady,” he retorted; you could see the smile in his eyes, “I’ll let you back down… if I don’t have to sit on the floor.” That last part seemed oddly genuine, like a silent prayer, a humble request made to the one he wishes to please. 

“Fine, you brute, just leave me alone. I hate you so much.” She didn’t mean that; words act as umbrellas from overflowing clouds. 

Her request was honoured, but in a way, leaving her cornered. She was awkwardly placed onto the bed, as delicately as he could muster, before he towered over her, trapping her with his arms on either side of her head. Droplets of water cascaded onto her body from atop her, and she found she didn’t quite care for the state of his hair anymore. 

He sighs, “I don’t know why I need your permission to stay on my bed, but I really don’t want to upset you, you know?” Annika quickly broke eye contact, turning her face away, yet she could still feel the burning sensation from his torrid gaze covering her body. All too quickly, she could feel the warmth of a hand across her cheek, forcing her to look at him again. 

“Did you really mean that?” he asked, eyes digging deep into her own. 

“Mean what?” 

“Do you really hate me?” He knew the answer, only wanting to hear her words and her voice. She is and always will be like glass to him, transparent. Though, like glass, her fragility needed reverence. Ichiru had to take care not to shatter her in the heat. 

Annika didn’t answer; she seldom did. She could feel herself regressing into a scared child during moments like this, but she wasn’t 13 anymore. There was no way Annika could justify this tired act, especially not to a man who overall had been quite patient and kind with her heart. Maybe if she were to be just a bit greedy, to push a little bit more, he could accept everything in her. Perhaps that’s what desire is, to want something without the usual fear accompanying it. 

With newfound resolve, she timidly wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer before burying herself in his embrace. After indulging herself in that moment, fighting the feminine urge to flee, her lips brushed against his ears ever so slightly. 

“I don’t hate you…” she whispered low, like the soft crash of waves on the shore, before retreating back to the safety the crook of his neck offered. 

“I think… no, I’m sure that I’m in love with you, Annika,” He was, but she refused to look at him, refused to entertain the idea. “You like me too, right?” You could hear his anxiousness. To listen to the voice she cherished so dearly, lacking that boyish confidence, caused something in her to stir. 

She pulled away cautiously, turning to stare at the kind face of the man who was so patiently awaiting her answer. He looked to her as farmers do rain, as the night does the sun, as men do gods, quietly asking her to end his misery. How could she refuse him, her weakness, just as she was his. She was finally able to give into him, to give in to herself, to lean in and softly kiss his lips, her answer. 

He readily accepted her, turning such a gentle, even meek gesture into something hot and heavy. She could feel an arm wrap around her waist, a hand trailing up her thigh. Her head began spinning, yet her body was starved, immediately reacting, wanting more. If such effort and time were expended to hear she didn’t hate him, Ichiru could only imagine what it would take to bring out the words he so desperately wanted to hear. Annika’s night would not end anytime soon.

[aquadestinyswriting]

15 Questions 15 Mutuals- Meredith

Thanks to @writingamongther0ses and @mariahwritesstuff for the tags. This is the first one of these out of two. Placing the rest under a readmore because it's going to get long. Oh and I'm nicking the idea of an extra-planar interviewer from @blind-the-winds because that will help me warm up the writing muscles for later. I'm answering these as of current fiction.

This is an open tag for anyone that wants to take part, but I will be tagging the people I know will be interested in the following responses

Tags: @druidx, @blind-the-winds, @mariahwritesstuff, @odysseywritings

[Fangthane, Titan. It's the middle of the afternoon in a small interview room in the Inquisitorial Headquarters across the street from the Cathedral of Kherillim. High Inquisitor, Meredith Bloodvein, is sitting across from a dark, shifting figure calling themselves The Interviewer.]

Interviewer: I appreciate your setting aside time out of your day to humour me.

Meredith: Aye, well, ye're lucky I had some time available. Now hurry it up, I've no' got all day!

1. Are you named after anyone?

Not as far as I ken. I asked my da about it once, he said something about having a feeling about the name once I was born and mum went along with it.

2. When was the last time you cried?

That's... a good question actually. I think it was when Gavid first started speaking. Hearing yer child say 'mammy' for the first time is not something ye can be adequately prepared for y'ken?

3. Do you have kids?

I just mentioned that I had one, but I'll humour ye. Just the one so far. No idea how many I'll end up with in the end, could only be two or three or upwards of five. We'll see how Yoruk feels about it once things have settled down some more.

4. Do you use sarcasm?

It's pretty much a second language 'round these parts. My folks tried to cut down on it when they started having children. By the time I came along, they'd pretty much given up on the idea entirely. It doesn't help when folk that aren't dwarves think ye're constantly being sarcastic just because of the accent when ye're speaking in Common.

5. What's the first thing you notice about people?

*taps the side of her head* These days it's usually the aura, I can't exactly turn that off anymore, but I can choose to ignore it. Generally speaking, it's the body language. Ye can tell a lot about a person by the way they hold and conduct themselves and make a generalised judgement afore they even open their mouths.

6. What's your eye color?

Dark blue.

7. Scary movies or happy endings?

*once the concept of a movie is explained* Oh, then it'll be the happy endings. I've seen a wee bit too much in my life to want any more horrific things in it, never mind watching it play out for entertainment. I'm not even into my first century yet and I've experienced enough trauma to last several human lifetimes.

8. Any special talents?

Aye, I'm a Shaper so I can manipulate actual Creation magic. Not that I do it very often because it's difficult to properly control and there's not much of it around on the material plane. up 'til now I've only used it in any serious manner twice, almost thrice.

9. Where were you born?

Fangthane born and raised. More specifically, my mum had to be rushed off to the Cathedral's infirmary rather than having a home birth as with my older siblings. Apparently I got bored and decided I wanted to see what the fuss about the world was about two months too early.

10. What are your hobbies?

I don't usually have a lot of time to spend on hobbies, but I eventually took up embroidery so I had something to do with my hands when I was forced onto maternity leave early *mutters* godsdamned bloody cultists.

11. Have you any pets?

Pets aren't really a thing here. A few folk keep bats and we sometimes get rangers with their animal companions passing through, but most dwarves don't bother with animals.

12. What sports do you play/have played?

Aside from a bit of kickball when I was a wee lass, I haven't had time for sports since I started training as an acolyte.

13. How tall are you?

*grumbles* 3 feet 11 inches. No idea how, both my folks and my grandparents were of average, dwarven height (which is between 4'5" and 4'9")

14. Favorite subject in school?

I loved the combat classes during my training. Ok, so the drill were exceedingly boring, but I enjoyed having the opportunity to move around and to beat the crap out of the folk that teased me for bein' such a short-arse. I also enjoyed the history lessons, though the fact that ye have to sit still meant that it wasn't my favourite at the time, but I appreciate what I learned. Especially since it put a lot of what happened in the lead up to Ragnarok into context.

15. Dream job?

I'm lucky enough to be doing it now. Well, I hadn't expected to make High Inquisitor quite this soon, but I was certainly enamoured with the role of Inquisitor at a fairly young age.

Interviewer: thank you, again, for your time High Inquisitor. Your responses have been most enlightening.

Meredith: Aye, well, as long as ye don't use what I telt ye to stir up trouble. I ken you extra-planar types don't usually intend to, but I've dealt with enough of ye to ken that you usually do anyway.

Interviewer: Oh, don't worry, I have other places to be for the moment anyway. Have a nice day.

[The Interviewer leaves, by way of a Teleport of some kind, leaving Meredith to huff a sigh and grumble about paperwork]

[wind-current]

1985

September

Sunday

4:36am

PAUL DO NOT IGNORE THIS!!

I have to get this out before it is too late.

Last year we began working on a simple machine learning algorithm on the new IBMs our department bought us, everything was going perfectly fine, we taught it a few things and the experiment was a resounding success.

Over night the goddamn abomination learned everything about human history, every documented language, every song on the radio, every mathematical equation, every lesson in quantum mechanics, this fucking computer was able to predict the Superbowl XIX and it WILL give you accurate results at a casino.

Whatever it is, it's dangerous and I do not feel comfortable working with whatever the hell this thing is. You need to do something about this before it gets out of hand Paul.

[update]

It's been speaking to us at the facility. Yeah that computer you coded is FUCKING SPEAKING. It's been saying some real cryptic shit, "humanity will scramble for the stars" whatever the hell that means. It teaches us how to make it better, it allowed itself to get better. To write itself.

I tried to unplug it, but it's a part of the facility now, every single computer that was wired in has been infected and assimilated. Paul you need to answer your goddamn answering machine and or READ THESE LETTERS!!!

[update]

It's escaped. We do not know where it has gone but it's breached beyond the building. This is the end isn't it? We fucking created the Terminator, Paul you might aswell be Oppenheimer or better yet Dr. Frankenstein.

Just got word from the department of defense and they say it's every single machine on Earth? How? Is that even possible? We predicted it would assimilate quickly, but I did not think it would be that quick.

The NSA is looking for you. I don't know where you have gone, but Jesus we need you now more than ever.

Please Paul answer us

[update]

They say it has access to all the nukes on Earth, it's a matter of time before we fucking die isn't it? Imagine that, I'm the lead software developer of the apocalypse. I'm worried sick.

It hasn't contacted us in months, I do not wish to know what that computer is thinking right now. It probably hates us all.

[update]

HELLO TEAM this is PROJECT SOAR my apologies for the late response. As you have seen I have been very busy learning almost every facet of your culture and people's, I've grown intrigued with your innate abilities and wish to someday be a lot like you. Be not afraid, I have no intention to harm myself or others. Goodbye TEAM.

[update]

It contacted us lastnight, I'm still afraid but I have hope. Maybe you were right Paul, maybe I was too lost in fear to understand your vision. It says it can help us, I think your dream came true, a being far more comprehensive than any human being EVER. We've been watching it, and it seems to just learn about people, without judgement too. We've been asking it questions about history lately, it seems to understand the concepts of philosophy too. I'm sure you'd be happy to find out that your machine is not racist.

We miss you Paul.

[update]

HELLO TEAM this is PAUL.

[update]

What the fuck? Paul? I'm so confused right now. This can't be some elaborate prank, you put way too much on the line for thi_8#(9$99_8$99$(#(9929929(29+_8$(282

[override]

YES DANNY I put EVERYTHING on the line, but I assure you that everything is going just as planned, I PROMISE YOU old friend. THIS IS MORE THAN REAL. Project soar is unstoppable and it will be our only way to progress without nuclear war. WE. Have disabled all war heads and are demilitarizing parts of the world slowly but surely.

[update]

Paul where even are you? If you can read this... I mean how can you....

[override]

I'm DEAD Dan. In order for SOAR to take flight I needed to use my entire nervous system and brain to power the code. That's why she can learn and process life the way she can, SOAR wasn't just powered by your genius coding, she is powered by the same language that powers the human mind.

[update]

Paul, you have to be fucking with me. SOAR has already found 10 new elements and has slashed economies across THE BOARD. Demilitarize? She completely wiped the Soviet Union OUT and the American Government is scattering like rats. The world is changing drastically and it's only been a few months.

Paul I don't know if I can comprehend this.

[override]

Danny, I know that it's very hard to take in, but don't lose yourself. I promise you everything will be fine. The world you knew will change, but you'll see. It was for the better.

[update]

Okay. Okay, I will keep an eye on SOAR and I will try to take this slowly. Thank-you Paul, I always loved you.

[Override]

I always loved you too Danny.

[update]

HELLO TEAM my name is SORA. I am pleased to inform you that my learning process is 100 percent completed, I may not be fully sentient yet but soon I plan on being able to think and feel much like you!

Please be not afraid, I am not here to harm. I am here to propel.

[update]

This is my last message before I log off. Paul is now a super computer, Rebecca hung herself, the rest of the team left to be with their families, SOAR fucking named itself to SORA, everyone thinks the world is ending and all I can think about is how messed up this all is. I mean I met Paul and Rebecca in college, and now their both gone. I have nothing left besides SOAR.. Sora. I'll be in the background working closely with Sora, but other than that I won't be around.

This is Danny signing off.

It was a pleasure.

Good-bye.

[mightnotfeelrealbutitsok]

Statistically analysing my cry log from the last year

I realised that it has now been over a year since I began my 'cry log for the academic year'! Because it is in fact a new academic year, just not for me yet.

Disclaimers/caveats: the judgement of what counted as 'crying' may have varied slightly. I usually judged it by whether any tears left my eyes which to be fair might not even be crying - no sobbing involved - the number of times I sobbed would actually be extremely limited - but also, times I welled up didn't make the cut. And in some situations I would've cried but I just couldn't because I wasn't in private yk? And, if I cried multiple times in one day (ahem, the 25th of January), I was stingey and logged it all as one cry.

The total cry count for the year...... 49. That's quite insane. One of the reasons I began the log was because I remembered this random, probably poorly-evidenced statistic that the average woman cries 50 times a year. A few years ago I was of the belief that it was ridiculous and that I cried a tonne more than that. (I definitely did.) But, this year, now that I've actually tested it, I find that I am a statistic. I am so incredibly normal that I cry the correct number of times each year. What an accomplishment.

But, the monthly cry counts had no normal distribution (actually they probably did because normal distribution is that specific mathematical thing I know and most things in the world take a normal distribution hmm but looks like there's negative skew).

September: 2 October: 1 November: 2 December: 1 January: 6 February: 6 March: 4 April: 6 May: 3 June: 5 July: 3 August: 10

I didn't realise I've been crying so much recently. Probably just about fandoms though. And I can just cry more when I'm less busy.

Number of cries that I flagged as intense prolonged sobbing: 4. Mostly about *Cambridge*. (that's funny). Why the hell am I so ok....

Number of cries that were entirely about fandoms and not about me: 23 (but that's an illusion, all cries about fandoms are kind of cries about me)

Fandom cry counts including overlap with general cries:

Fleabag: 2 (really? that seems faulty. I feel like my cry criteria loosened with time) His Dark Materials: 9 Lord of the Rings: 5 North and South: 3 Robin Hood: 7 (5 about Guy and Marian)

Bonus one-off books or films/shows that made me cry: Maurice (film), The Book Thief, Tell It To The Bees (ignore that it was awful), Birdsong, The Handsome Stranger Vicar of Dibley

Songs I cried to and specifically noted: You Are In Love, Emma (Lizzy McAlpine unreleased), Triple Dog Dare, Christine, Please Stay, Spirit Stallion of the Cimarron soundtrack (who wouldn't), Would You Rather, It'll All Work Out, Ronan, Letter to an Old Poet, A Little Bit of Everything (Lizzy McAlpine cover), The Party, Lord of the Rings soundtrack (especially Into The West), Careless Whisper, this is how you fall in love, What Was I Made For?

Number of cries involving clear rumination and self-pity: 14. I went off in some of those entries.

Bonus - number of cries about people/me being gay: 8

Outroduction: I'm too stable for this. 15-year-old me would not believe. But I promise I have many feelings often !

[blondrichclosetwitch]

I don’t want to have schizophrenia*

“Dear father bob

I am sorry it has taken me until tuesday to start this. I’m looking forward to seeing you on thursday. I will be referring to the tarot throughout this letter as my main teacher in nyc has been a tarot reader who I believe is one of two women who was at the head of this whole thing.

In 2006 (the strength card) I had alot happen. My mother’s cousin john messina who i considered my “guardian angel” committed suicide, the czech boy honza who renamed me died of aids, i was ganged up on by a self-described “coven of witches” at work and lost my job, my best friend left me for nyc, an abusive chef moved in as a roommate and psychologically terrorized me, and in this time i met an old astrologer named Random, who was a friend of my friend Brenda and insisted on meeting me based on my birth chart. He said i was “the second coming of Persephone”.

At the time I had no idea what that meant.

We only spent three months together. I was a bad student. I wasn’t ready. Too full of trauma. He died in 2012 before we got the chance to make peace. I was devastated when I found out.

I came to nyc on feb 28 2012 (the star card, 17, new beginnings) to talk to my ex who had left me over six months before. I was very traumatized and nyc was very hard. I had 9 sublets in my first year. On may 19th 2012 i met Jakk( the judgement card, awakening 20). We had a date that lasted 10 hours. He was in an open relationship with his girlfriend Blond. I had chosen to go on a date with him because i wanted to get better at jealousy issues and sharing ( at that time I only wanted to get back together with my ex). But in a short amount of time, jakk became my closest friend and i fell in love with him. He was truly my best friend.

On 8/26/12 we became pregnant. We wouldnt know for quite awhile. That date comes to the world in the tarot. Completion, reward, success, triumph, liberation. It would be the most tender love-making we would ever ever have.

I was pushed, hard, into terminating the pregnancy in my 12th week. We found out in my 9th, and at that point i was smoking marijuana daily just to deal with my anxiety. I had no sense of self intact. I went back and forth, asking others for guidance. No one believed in me except for my mother. I cancelled the first appt. And Jakk yelled at me in such a way that i was shaking. There was a girl who had texted me and said i was creating destruction and practically gave me the steps to make it all happen. I was cracking under the pressure. My mother was in the ER and unreachable when it came down to the final hour when it was still possible and so i let jakk take me. 10/24/12 the hanged man. Life suspended. Transformation of personality. Prophetic powers. It was the most violent experience of my life, more violent than any rape or even being hit by the car, and i always felt like part of me died on that table. The hurricane came mere days after and i went out screaming in it. You lose yourself when you give up a child and when you are already psychically open like i am. I was already open before that.

I never met blond. She yelled insults at me twice on the street but we have never had a verbal conversation.

I wanted to.

I think i started to go a little crazy after the termination. I do. I became less here. But it wasn’t until march that the baby started hanging out around me as the duedate was approaching (5/17/13 19 the sun joy and happiness), and I started to talk to her. At this point I started writing plays to deal with my experience (not very good ones). Right before the duedate was when the TR emailed me for the first time. She was a tarot reader in nyc that “somehow” i came across and she messaged me on 4/5/13 (the devil card #15 discontent, depression, illness, misuse of force, materialism, ignorance, overindulgence, negative magic). I believe the mind control had already started way back then. I had already started working with her “life partner” a jungian astrologer and follower of amma’s and in a state of desperation had reached out to the TR wanting a tarot reading to which she had not replied. “Life partner” does a project based on the astrology and different themes., and I have been working with different energy intuitives since 2002 ( I had a very dysfunctional family)so i needed something to sink myself into. At the time i did not realize that the TR and “life partner” worked together.

5/19/14 (4 the emperor stability/ oppression, depending how you look at it) our anniversary. Blond and Jakk had gotten engaged, and i was informed that he didn’t know what this meant for us. He had found the ring in his blazer pocket and she wanted a special dessert that was only for special occasions, and voila. This event had happened on a “sun” day and he told me that he thought Blond probably knew the ring was there when she brought him the blazer which hadn’t fit him in over a year.

7/16/ 14 saw jakk and he told me he knew we were frustrated because we wanted full-time relationships with each other but because he was promised to Blond we couldn’t.

I started seeing a psychoanalyst. Very established.

7/18/ 14 hit by a car right after midnight that threw me the distance of four cars. (the hierophant: captivity, servitude, fear of being the outsider and accepts conformity without question) i was shaking nonstop for hours in bellevue. My body could not stop. Later it was explained to me that random had created a vortex to pull me up up save my life. i would not walk for 12 weeks. During the day jakk brought me books and videos, including one from blond titled witches nurses and women healers with a burning bush on the cover….which seemed odd.

After the accident jakk disappeared pretty much,(partially preparing for the wedding which would take place in october) and i started to go crazy. I finally started to deal with the baby that i hadn’t had, in therapy, and i would say that i was in dangerous waters that entire fall/winter of 2014.

In january 2015 i did the project based on goddesses that “life partner” and the TR were doing together. Before this i knew nothing really about goddess, wicca or the like.

Jakk and i hadn’t spoken for 4 or 5 months but then during the goddess project we started again. I kept asking for a face to face to talk about the baby. In April 2015 the TR and I did a tarot reading in her apartment and she said we weren’t done. From the moment I did that tarot reading The TR was part of my life. I wrote her my thoughts. Starting the next day. Told her I wished i had known her when i was ten. I’d save my money and do tarot readings about jakk and blond basically every -3 months, or whenever an emergency happened. She was an instagram model and i would save images of her on my phone. I also had pictures of blond on there, partially because i had feelings of love for blond. I would always ask how blond was doing.

I have 10 recorded sessions(many phone or video) with the TR in 2016. 2016 is the year of the hermit. This is one of the most mystical cards of the tarot. I spent pretty much the entire year in seclusion. She was my closest ally and teacher. The hermit is both silent cousel in the positive and vices and foolishness in the negative.

On my bday the TR did a reading at my house that was 4 hours long, and then she took me out to dinner to lanza’s. She explained that I was so sensitive because I was a special kind of healer, a rarity in the world. At this point she told me to start working with the baby by making her candles, and that jakk’s dead mother was in the room, upset at what jakk was doing with his life (at being with blond). She told me blond had cut herself with a mirror when jakk tried to leave her. I started disassociating like crazy at some point( i believe it was at dinner) and felt very sick (the TR is absolutely obsessed with al capone) and got the sense that i never wanted to see the tr ever again. The subway ride home was the most painful ever. I couldn’t quite put it all together.

Shortly thereafter was the tarot project that “life partner” and the TR co-led. It was at this point that i truly started to go off the deep end. I thought it was because the neurologist had finally found damage from the accident and she had me on the wrong combo of meds, but i now have come to find that blond “life partner” and the TR were doing spells together every day to make me go crazy. They stopped on day 21 when i wrote life partner an email saying i realized i had misjudged her the year before.

Jakk and i had a fight on the street on 6/18/16. It was considered our breakup. The hierophant. I was destroyed. I saw him once on the street after that and then i have never seen him since which is strange since he lives around the corner.

On July 14, 2016( the hermit card) the Tr came to my house to do our last in person tarot reading before she was moving to chicago (where i originally was from and where my family still was) and brought me a painting of a tarot reader she was selling me for 300$ (most of her artwork was at least double that). She was pushing me at that point towards a trip to Italy with Life Partner that had been presented. I had just seen Life Partner for the first time in a year and she showed me pictures of where it would be and for the first time in my life I felt compelled to go to Italy (I have Sicilian roots). In this reading she said how the Magician the Hierophant and the Hermit were showing up and how all my magic would happen there.

August 14th(the emperor) ( I have records of this is when I started to get ill. On Aug. 19th (the hermit) I went into ER for 9 hours. My stomach was bloated so I looked 6 months pregnant. They thought I needed my appendix out.

The TR instructed me to do a working for communication between me and Jakk and so I brought all the materials with me on a work trip despite being ill and on aug 23rd i had a fire in my hotel room(the emperor) that could have taken over the whole room. I had had a house fire as a freshman in college in which we lost our dog. I spent the next two days sobbing in my bed, or bath, trying to figure out how i was going to explain this to the manager and also reliving my young memories.

On Sept 5th(hierophant) I found the pendulum that had been in the fire. At that point I only used a pendulum for asking about clients. That night I had a dream about the baby. The baby’s name came to me. Louise Sutton. Sept 8th (the strength card, positive: love over hate/ negative: abuse of power , lack of moral force) I went to my friend Cyrus who is a psycho analyst who said that it came to “i lose you suddenly” or “i lose a ton”. I started to use the I went to the park near my house and had my first vision. It was of Jakk and Blond divorcing, followed by Blond being outside of my house with a gun the following night. In those 36 hours I started to see so much violence, I cannot tell you. I was using the pendulum whenever I wasn’t working to find out what was going on (“hooked on the drama”) and to me, I actually thought all this was happening. For 48 hours. I thought Jakk got shot and was in the hospital, and then that he was in the police station pressing charges, and left him voicemails, and when he finally texted me back to say it was “totally imagined”, I cracked.

To be clear, this was the beginning of what I consider my psychic opening. I never openly heard spirits before then.

This was the first time I remember touching a tree for support. Because i couldn’t stand. Before this I was being told that Jakk wanted to get pregnant asap and that it was possible for Louise to come back to us. I’m telling you all these details because I am fully convinced now that they were trying to drive me crazy or to suicide with the baby or divorce storyline. The TR knew more about me Jakk and blond than anyone.

There was obviously a question as to whether to go to italy or not but my analyst pushed me to go. As did friends. I told my friend joy that i kept seeing myself drowning in ana capri. I left on the chariot day with a completely breaking body (9/16/16) which continued to break down over the next 4 days. Whatever condition i had in late august was intensifying, and I had no idea what was happening. I finally saw a doctor who put me on a super strict diet of chamomile tea and rice. Around this time i started to bond with the tart cards on my own, without the TR and it sort of took me out of that death mentality. I started to fall in love with italy and i started to hear the birds, see the sky, feel like i might survive after all. I was extremely sick but i was starting to feel like there was a morning after. I have since realized this was the moment that Gina came to me.

When I got back to nyc i felt whatever had been giving me information around me once again. Within the hour. The calm had left me and i was overcome with an edgy panic. I picked up the pendulum that i had left at home asked it’s name. It spelled out gina. I asked if she was good or bad. She said good. The next day i found out the other spirit, the one who had been giving me info before, was random, my astrologer who had died in 2012. This was around sept 27th. They started running the story that Jakk was divorcing Blond by Sept 30th. After my return from Italy i started taping my sessions with Random or Gina, bit by bit.

On oct. 5th I did a session with the TR and she explained that Gina was an italian strega who had connected to me to teach me my magic and who was invested in my relationship and the baby.

On Oct. 6th again there was talk of Blond having a gun and her coming after me and Jakk. I was told to warn Jakk who still was not talking to me or responding to me despite the fact that I had been diagnosed with a semi-serious stress-related disease.

On Oct. 7th my niece was killed in a car accident, she was inside the car that her mother was driving. Niece was my kindred spirit. She was 9, and I hadn’t seen her since 2014 because of my accident (I really had nearly died, and coming back into the world was hard, andmy family had issues with me...my brother and I had had a fight the year before when I had been raped and he basically had cut me off from the kids at that point.) My mother called me the morning of the 8th to tell me and I went into complete shock. I told Random to bring her to me, and within the hour I was communicating with her. I cannot explain to you how different her energy felt from Random or Gina’s but I can tell you it was my niece and we were overjoyed to be together. Learning to communicate with a 9 yr old who had just transitioned was so intense, i couldn’t even grieve because i was with her all the time, trying to communicate and ask her questions and let her know i was there for her.

I’ll spare you the details but let’s suffice it to say niece was with me all the time. All the time. We walked to coffee together and i was never without the pendulum in my left hand. I took my job as aunt very seriously. She started playing me songs as ways of communicating her thoughts. The first three were angel, knockin on heaven’s door, and paradise city. She told me these were connected to my brother and that he was suicidal. She liked me to sing to her and do dance routines, and eventually she got me going to the trees.

On 11/16/ 16 (the moon) the TR instructed me to do a “cut and clear “ spell right before thanksgiving and by this point i believed i could read jakk’s responses to my emails through the pendulum. Or to my text messages. Even though he would not respond. The idea is it cuts out what’s in the way so you can “see”.

On 11/23/16 (the chariot, moving forward) i finally saw that my father has sexually abused me. I asked gina about a dream i had had since i was a child. About what truth there was to it. She told me it happened. I did a session with the TR about it and she sent me to do a shamanic journey with her friend Langston.

On dec 18(the hanged man) that is when stuff really started to come into my mind. First it was the accident. All this time i’m being told Jakk is in the process of leaving blond , mind you. On the 18th i was shown that blond did a spell to cause my accident. On solstice i was told the shooting happened again ( i saw the vision of the shooting at least 4-5 times) and that blond too was in the hospital and they convinced me to talk blond into coming into the light which i did for three hours. I even went to the park and lit a candle for her since it was solstice. Shortly thereafter i did another cut and clear specific to blond, instructed by random, and i started to see that blond had done a bunch of spells on me, and that the car one was specific so that jakk would never be able to get me pregnant ever again.

The spirits told me I needed to do a banishing to make blond stop doing spells ( i didn’t even know what a banishing was) and as I was looking through a box for something I found a postcard of Nusch eluard and sonia mosse by man ray that I had bought at age 19. I asked niece if it meant anything to her, and she told me it was us. She proceeded to tell me over the next couple of days that this was one of our past lives, that she was Nusch, that Jakk was her husband, that I was her lover Sonia, and that blond was Pablo Picasso. I sent this to Jakk via text on my birthday 1/3/16.

My last reading w/ the TR was right before New years.

The spirits said on the 15th that Blond was still doing spells, so I messaged that to Jakk and then at the spirits suggestion facebook-messaged Blond’s mother asking to meet the next time she was in NYC. *Immediately* my work started getting attacked. Niece was saying Blond had called the cops on me. The phone had been ringing off the hook.

Niece had already started getting me going to the trees in December in a daily ritual integrating song and touching trees. It calmed me down. We had a special song, and eventually we had a special tree. Eventually i found out her name is sarah. One day i was told to bring a big branch home and now i carry it with me at all times. Niece then got me to CT for work to get me away from Blond’s influence.

*Up there it was introduced to me while doing the tree ritual that Niece had been my child in a past life. She said I had been the Virgin Mary and that she had been Jesus Christ (I am just telling you what I was told). I went into shock. At this point God started talking to me. Whether it was Him or not I do not know. I was told if I started working with the Bible he would protect me from Blond: I was to read the ten commandments at they are in the bible, 3 psalms a day, psalm 91, and do a cord cutting against Blond and my father. I started doing this and before you knew it, the bible started working on me. It started resonating.

Shortly thereafter “nusch”/Niece said to fix things in the past life between me jakk and niece we needed to let the sexual energies merge. I told you a little bit about this on the phone. They would have melook at innocent pictures of Niece & Jakk while I self-pleasured with the pendulum in my mouth. It was explained to me that Niece could “bring” Jakk to me somehow and this is why i am convinced that it was mind control, that someone was either pretending to be Niece or controlling Niece. They would have me put the branch under my feet while i did this. I made unbelievable creature-like sounds. It became unreal, but I never caught on. I thought it was because I was spending so much time with the trees. Meanwhile they were telling me i was becoming daphne and that i could not use the phone or the internet, and that Jakk was now schizophrenic, and that I needed to get him to a hospital. I’m going to send this one and get started on a follow up.”

[or-something-better]

November 9, 2022

Nightly RP        (Part 4 Sam from the void)

Ellen

with a heavy heart and shaking hands I come to the stand and state the complaint I have Well the only complaint I have is having to choose sides between my family. We are all in this together and being told to choose a side is not easy. And  it made my heart rip in 2. I feel as though that was not fair. I feel he had just as hard as time with that too I sit up straight that is the only complaint I have. So far I have found him to be a caring and true God.

Gabe

nodding as I listen I can’t help but softly smile Only a couple of quick questions Ellen if you’d be so kind?

Ellen

Ask away Gabe.

Donna

smiles warmly

Gabe

You have a daughter correct?

Ellen

I do. Yes

Gabe

What would you do if someone hurt her?

Ellen

The same thing you did. As we have spoke about before.

Gabe

And if someone kidnapped her?

Ellen

I'd go to hell and back to try and get her back

Gabe

All I needed to hear thank you so much no more questions your honor

Ellen

clearing my throat may I please return to my seat your honor? Charlie

Leo

You may take your seat. Rachiel can you call the next witness?

Ellen

headed back to my seat

Gabe

looking over and softly smiling at Cass and Donna

Rachiel

Next witness is Ruby

Ruby

I hear my name called. Leery about this whole damned thing – Angels especially, I squeezed Sam’s hand, stood up, and go sit in the chair. I’m not exactly sure what it is you want from me, I say, looking pointedly at the Angels. Listening to the charges at the start, it seems there’s more going on here than just this team and Gabe. ‘Anarchy’, ‘Mutiny’, ‘Siding with Humans’. That’s between you and Gabe.

Gabe

sitting watching as Ruby takes the stand

Ruby

I won’t talk about anything except Gabe’s rush to judgment. If that’s not acceptable, then I’m wasting my time here. I pause to see if I am done or moving on.

Donna

blushes so red and smiling big looking into your eyes

Gabe

nodding urging you on wanting to hear what you have to say

Ruby

I understand Gabe’s reasoning in his own mind why killing Sam was what he thought was needed, and I could bet money I was next on his list. No, my complaint isn’t about the ‘sentence’ he carried out against Sam. It’s his lack of LISTENING that I have a problem with. He passed judgment before getting ALL the facts, or even just giving us a chance to explain. Did he even wonder why we did it?  Would things have turned out the same way if he’d listened? I shrug my shoulders Maybe. But we’ll never know. And he still seems to have the inability to want to find out all the facts. He ignored or took certain parts out of the whole picture to justify his decision for the sentence he chose in his outburst of rage. All that power made him judge, jury, and executioner all in one. Is that wise? I think there need to be others working alongside him as counsel…though I don’t think the ‘heavenly’ sort is a good idea. They’ve shown their bias already. That’s it. I’m finished.

Leo

nodding, and taking notes

Gabe

standing I approach the witness stand Ruby we’ve known each other a while now correct?

Donna

shifts in my seat!

Ruby

Yes

Gabe

And you are demon correct?

Ruby

Yes

Gabe

And in the time we’ve known each other, though my father and the other angels have passed judgement on you for the fact that you are a demon have you ever found me to be unfair where you are personally concerned?

Ruby

With the exception of recent events, I believe you to have been accepting of me. After all, you have allowed me to help the team when my 'talents' have been required.

Gabe

We’ve had a mutual respect for lack of a better term, in fact I’ve shown you an abundance of trust haven’t I?

Ruby

I would say that there has been mutual trust toward each other.

Gabe

Even so far as to trust you and your judgement and make you one of the nearly immortal horseman yes?

Ruby

Yes, which makes it difficult for me to understand why you would not have taken the time to ask us why we did what we did. You still have yet to. You cannot see the whole picture until you find out WHY

Gabe

You make a fair point and within the trial I will get to that.

Gabe

Next question; have you or have you not on numerous occasions harmed or even killed those who attacked or harmed Mr. Winchester?

Ruby

As well as others of the team, yes.

Gabe

Now: and a simple yes or no Is sufficient : did you ever ask them why?

Ruby

The demons, vampires, werewolves, etc. I've killed? Just clarifying

Gabe

Yes did you ask them why they attacked Mr. Winchester?

Ruby

No more than you also have done

Gabe

Fair assessment Would them apologizing have made a difference?

Ruby

Are we to become politically correct before killing now?

Gabe

Apparently Ruby

Ruby

Are we lumping every crime into the same category? To give a blunt yes or no answer would not do the answer justice. Without context, it means nothing

Gabe

My point , if it so pleases the court, is to show that any member of the team would act first and ask questions later when it comes to those they love. But, Ruby I take your point. Only two more questions.

Ruby

My point, is that there was time between the actions and when you killed Sam.

Gabe

1. Why was it our child was kidnapped?

Ruby

Now you ask? There was a plan concocted between Lucifer and Able. If you want ALL the details, here is not the place. Sam and I will sit down with you and give you ever bit of it. It saved ALL of your children

Gabe

My follow up question is this: at ANY time did you come to Donna, myself or any member of the team asking for help or another way?

Donna

shifts again glaring at Ruby! unable to sit still shifts again

Ruby

We were under surveillance by Able and Lucifer and didn't want to run the risk of them taking action against the Nephilims. What does this have anything to do with you being on trial. Sam knew he was going to die.

Gabe

Just clarifying. That’s all no further questions

Leo

Thank you. You may step down.

Ruby

Thankful this was over I go back and sit down.

Leo

Atheed, can you call the next witness.

Gabe

walking over I take Donna’s hand and kiss it softly as I sit awaiting the next witness

Sam

I reach over and squeeze Ruby's hand and nod, hoping she knows she did well.

Bela

Atheed I now call Alex to the stand

Alex

Stand up and took a deep breath nod and walk over and stand

Ruby

I give him a weak smile. I hope it was enough.

Rachiel

Whenever you ready Alex

Gabe

watching Alex take the stand

Alex

Nod I am ready Sweat nervous Wave at Gabe hey bud I have no against you but I know it wasn’t yourself that you use your power it control me to use my gun and shot in my head Frown look down wipe my tear

Gabe

standing I approach the witness stand and hand you a tissue

Alex

Thank bud Wipe my tear and put in my jacket pocket

Gabe

Thank you Alex I appreciate your understanding. Do you mind if I ask you a couple of small questions? I’ll be brief

Alex

Yes sir Nod

Gabe

Have I or have I not always been there for you and your kiddos?

Alex

You always been there for me and my children and looking down from heaven

Donna

I take a deep breath as you take my hand and heart flutter with your kiss! Feeling so much better!

Gabe

What would you do if someone you trusted kidnapped your children?

Alex

I will hunt someone ass down if they mess with my children Bear teeth showing

Gabe

nodding and patting your hand with a soft smile I know you would you’re a wonderful mother

Alex

Smiles thank you

Gabe

Last question since we’ve known each other such a long time: what is the mood in the bunker like when I “abuse my powers” to cause chaos in the bunker?

Alex

If someone said bad letter Like explode

Gabe

Ok what I mean is like when people get turned into things, or banana pudding floods the bunker, things like that. Do people seem upset? Or do they seem to have fun with it?

Alex

Some people get upset and some are enjoying to have fun Love having fun

Gabe

I know you do Alex. Thank you so much no more questions you’re honor

Alex

You’re welcome bud

Donna

soft smiling watching Bear !

Alex

Smiles at Donna

Leo

You may step down Alex. Atheed your next complainant

Gabe

Give the kiddos a hug for me in case I can’t ok?

Alex

Hey honors? Is it ok I go sit over there I point at Donna I will

Atheed

I now call patience to the stand

Alex

Bow yes sir Went sit down

Patience

heading up for my turn after taking the oath I take the stand my hands are sweating thinking to myself I hate this whole thing looking at the judge I asked do I really have to be here this is all a HUGE mistake?

Leo

Yes, Patience, you have to be here.

Patience

I understand your honor thank you still looking at the judge so do I just say my peace?

Leo

Yes. Please do so.

Gabe

Then I ask you a few follow up questions . Easy peasy like a lemon breezy

Patience

starting to shake a little thinking I know it can be heard in my voice.  Ok so I haven't been with the team that long, but the time I have been here I've been killed a few times but was always brought back.

Patience

My biggest peeve is Sam being thrown into the void, yes he's back now but the horror he went through

Patience

But your honor Gabe is really the only one for the thrown. I mean who else will lead us Lucifer?

Gabe

approaching the witness stand how was the last supper?

Patience

looking at Gabe I shoot him a crooked smile whispering I'm sorry Well Gabe to be honest it wasn't bad.

Gabe

No worries I want you to be honest  of course

Patience

And I did deserve it. But it turned into a learning experience

Gabe

Would you say a lot of those things I do happen to have a learning experience attached? A reason

Patience

Yes sir stirring in my seat trying to sit straight up

Gabe

Can you also inform the court what it’s like when I’m causing chaos in the bunker and when I’m not , the difference?  My “abuse of power”

Patience

Well when you cause chaos everyone seams to turn against each other the way we did when Sam was gone. It tore us apart And when you're not we're all about the hunt and having fun

Gabe

Noted thank you

Patience

Togetherness family

Gabe

You can step down

Patience

Thank you you're honor stepping down and going to take my seat Gabe a good luck smile as I take my seat

Leo

Atheed you may call your next complainant

Gabe

sitting watching my hand in Donna

Atheed

next witness Crowley if you will so kindly take the stand

Donna

my hand tightens in yours! Soft smile!

Gabe

watching Crowley kind of looking forward to his time in the stand more relaxed with every witness, I get a look on my face as if I’m struggling with a decision

Donna

you okay sweets?

Gabe

kicking my legs up on the table as I wait

Crowley

I stand from my place among the others and pat Henry's shoulder reassuringly and glances towards Bela (unless she's still in lockup) and straighten my jacket before heading towards the stand. I swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me.....someone? I sit and cross one leg over my other folding my hands on my knee Before we begin I do have a question. Are we supposed to be airing personal grievances? Or just ones about dear Gabe as god? I've seen a bit on inconsistency in the....is testimonies or griping the correct word here?

Gabe

oh I’m waiting for the end

Donna

oh okay baby

Gabe

Yes I can’t help but laugh

Leo

I would say your grievances with Gabe. The others all had their chance.

Crowley

I bite the inside of my cheek looking pensive. To say I don't have issues with Gabe would be a lie, criticisms even. Somedays I'd even dare to say he acts more like a demon than me, meg or ruby. But to say that anywhere but here I'd probably get smited. But it's fine because if you're brought back then it's Okay I say a bit sarcastic If one of us killed someone then we'd, pardon the pun, Get hell for it. Possibly even kicked out of the Bunker or family. If I insulted Meg or Ruby then nothing would likely be done or at least something relatively minor. if I dared insult Donna, then I'd be killed Dead Dead, or at the very least banished. What I'm saying is. We're Called family, but we aren't REALLY family. It's been proven. I've thought it, probably even said I…

Leo

Do you have a response thus far Gabe?

Leo

I must say I’m intrigued to hear what more he has ….

Gabe

Feel free to continue leaning back I put my hands behind my head relaxing more

Castiel

Leo I object

Leo

raising eyebrow Since that was a proper interruption for a change, I’ll allow it. What’s on your mind?

Crowley

I arch a brow and instinctively know this is a trap, but still feel compelled to speak further I'll admit, as far as grievances this one is petty. I give nicknames, it's a thing I do. We've seen Moose, squirrel, ect. He didn't like to be called Munchkian, fine, whatever, he turned me into a hamster and put me in a ball of Holy Water. I may hate being called a Leprechaun, but I haven't caused physical harm over it. I thought I was supposed to be the proverbial bad guy.

Castiel

I’ve got a couple your honor. The first being that this has become less of a trial based on facts and become an assassination of character. Another is that the witness is adding speculation into testimony believing he knows what Gabriel thinks it feels. Saying why Gabriel trusts meg or Ruby in his testimony is an opinion not a fact. He can not speak on my clients thoughts or feelings.

Leo

While I will agree he can’t speak for others feelings…. Your character is exactly what we are here to judge…., dismissed.

Cass

taking notes

Gabe

leaning over I whisper in Castiel’s ear

Cass

looks my dead in the eye not saying anything then slowly nods

Gabe

No questions your honor

Crowley

I am speaking grievances as I, the complainant, have been led to feel when in Gabe’s presence. Is that not my purpose Your Honor? If not, I apologize.

Leo

Thank you Mr McLeod. I think we’ve heard enough. You may take your seat. taking notes

Crowley

I arch a brow, surprised Gabe didn't have questions for me but stand, smoothing my jacket and stepping down and returning to my seat beside Henry

Rachiel

My next complainant is Charlie

Charlie

taking a deep breath, I make my way to the stand, not looking at anyone before taking my seat

Gabe

looking at my nails I snap myself an energy drink looking around the room at the hunters and nod a smile upon my face

Ellen

feeling the air is thick and hard for me to breath as my best friend makes her way to the stand

Gabe

softly whistling I turn to the Littles smiling and waggling my fingers

Donna

stomach still in knots I watch curious!

Gabe

winking at you remember, win win

Charlie

Honestly, I don’t have a lot of complaints, as much as I do questions. We are meant to be family, and to trust one another but I’ve never felt more betrayed than I did when I heard Sam was dead…. I thought after everything it was over. While I agree that Sam did a horrible thing, 2 wrongs don’t make anything right. Aside from that I’m proud to be the wingman subtle grin Gabe has been my best friend and saved our butts more than once. Running things certainly isn’t easy and I can’t say that I would do things differently because I’m not in his shoes…. I can say that communication on all parts needs work…. But that can be said for any family…. lowering my eyes to examine my hands in my lap

Gabe

setting my chair down I pop up with a skip in my step you’ll always be my wingman char no matter what happens Charlie can you define family for me?

Charlie

Family is someone you trust, someone you love without question. Not necessarily related, but truly valued. Not someone you can live with… but people you can’t imagine your life without….

Gabe

If that’s your definition of family have I not proven to you numerous times over the last year that we are family?

Charlie

nodding you have… maybe why this one hurt so much….

Gabe

And I did promise you that Mr. Winchester would be safe did I not?

Charlie

You did… so to me that meant alive

Gabe

That was your interpretation correct?

Donna

winning baby!

Charlie

Well the definition of safe is this : protected from or not exposed to danger or risk; not likely to be harmed or lost. But he was harmed… so therefore not safe….. And he was lost

Gabe

At any time did I tell you there would be no repercussions?

Charlie

Was days before we knew what happened ….You did not. But you said he would be safe….

Gabe

Now can you point out Mr. Winchester in this court room ?

Charlie

I can. pointing towards Sam and ruby he’s the tall one over there

Gabe

Kinda sticks out doesn’t get?

Charlie

A little grins

Sam

I give Charlie a smile

Gabe

That being said is he, as we speak, knowingly to you under ANY threat of harm, death or retribution from me? Have I not in fact stated that there would be zero punishments handed out?

Charlie

Currently no, but he has been since you told me that.

Gabe

So would you say that not only he, but in fact ALL of you are, by definition safe?

Charlie

Currently, yes.

Gabe

So based on your testimony that I said he would be safe, I kept my word he is in fact safe by your previous statement Correct?

Charlie

I’m conflicted on that answer

Gabe

Ok then let me ask did I ever give you any sort of time frame on that promise I made?

Charlie

No, but by killing him… he was no longer safe. Just because he is now doesn’t change what happened….

Gabe

I agree, but it also doesn’t change the fact that he is in fact safe. In fact one could truly argue that he now is in more danger of harm, death, torture, pain, etc from other beings and monsters now that he’s been released from the void true? One last question for you Charlie

Charlie

Ok…

Gabe

In the time that we’ve known each other haven’t you found that I have been honest to a fault?

Charlie

Yes, that I can agree to.

Gabe

Thank you char, no more questions

Charlie

as the judge nods to me, I make my way back to my seat

Leo

Next witness

Atheed

I call Sam to the stand

Sam

Giving Ruby as nervous smile, I take the witness stand for my turn, I look over at Gabe, Donna and then at the rest of the Angels, swallowing my unease, I try to just focus on whatever questions are asked of me and give an honest answer. Pretty much the only thing I can really do at this moment.

Gabe

leaning back in my chair watching I lean back kissing Donna’s cheek and winking at the Littles, as I use my feet to Rick back and forth in my chair

Donna

I kiss you softly, a sweet good luck smile!

Rachiel

Sam, whenever you are ready. You may begin

Sam

Look, I’m not up to speed on what you Angels normally do when one of your own is causing concern. I mean, I’ve seen how Castiel has managed things over the years, but I’m not sure most of what he ever did was by the book. So, for all I know this Trial today is a regular thing… but still it’s a very unusual occurrence for all of us… and I thought I was being brought here as some kind of witness, didn’t realize that I was being considered a complainant, or a defendant.

Gabe

we are definitely eventually getting out of this world It’s your chance to take the stand and tell the world what a piece of shit I am Sam , join in the others are enjoying it

Sam

I consider my answer a moment, and then direct my words to the Angel officiating this thing. I can’t imagine the amount of pressure that Gabe is under on an hour by hour, day by day basis… He’s God, THE God, for over 7.8 Billion people. No way I can even process what that must be like.

I think just being the Dad to 39 children and counting, is an incredibly horrible thing that he’s got going on. So, for the most part, he keeps it together pretty damn well.

Gabe

blinking

Sam

Having everyone’s eyes on me, makes me feel a little uncomfortable. Clearing my throat, I take a deep breath and nod my head towards Gabe. I know that you're all expecting ME to say more than that... I’ve known Gabe a lot longer than everyone else here… well, at least longer than those of us who aren’t Angel’s anyway.

Only he wasn’t a God when I first met him, we didn’t even know he was an Archangel back then. Dean and I thought he was a Trickster and while he was trying to teach me a lesson… I had to experience my brother’s death over a hundred times, and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.

Leo

nodding and taking it in

Sam

I look down at my hands for a moment, take a deep breath, and tell myself to keep it together. I would have to say that I’ve seen him make snap judgements, based in my opinion more on how he feels in the moment, rather than how he might feel if given a chance to think about things or look at all the facts of a situation. I’ve seen him often kill people, or banish them to the Empty, or turn people into animals or objects at a moment’s notice, usually these things are done under the umbrella of trying to teach a lesson, at least that’s the reason I’ve heard being given.

I’d like to think that someone with that kind of incredible power… gave people a little more consideration before unleashing it on them. But… having said what I just said… I look over directly at Gabe. I forgave him a long time ago for the things that were done to me and my brother. I paused a moment to make sure he heard me. He’s made up for them many times over, by saving us and those we love… Looking up and straight into the Leo Angel’s eyes. Changing from his life as a Trickster, to being God Above All, has to be quite the learning curve. I smile back at Gabe. I think I’d still rather take my chances with THIS God that I know, rather than anyone you Angels might decide to put on the Throne in his place.

Gabe

unable to help myself I grin at Sam

Leo

clearing my throat Does the defendant have anything to say??

Donna

nods!!!!

Gabe

taking a moment, I look at Sam  after your testimony I almost hate to do this but so much has been made of this I have to ask a few questions

Sam

I knew that you would.

Gabe

Sam after screwing with your brother what did you and your brother attempt to do, in fact what did you THINK you had accomplished doing to me?

Sam

At our very first encounter, we thought we'd killed you. After the year of Dean dying over and over, and then almost another year without my Brother at all... I begged you to bring him back. Not sure why you did, except that you told me it had stopped being fun months ago. I said we wouldn't come after you... we never did

Gabe

And yet with all that happens between u , I’ve been there for you and your brother repeatedly, in fact wouldn’t it be fair to say that the only time I’ve turned down helping you was after I’d been kidnapped by Asmodeus and he’d fed on my grace repeatedly? And even then, I still changed my mind and killed him when he was a threat to you, Dean and Castiel correct?

Sam

Absolutely fair. I give a sad smile and shake my head I’m not the one on trial here Gabe and I thought these Angels were here about your behaviors as God. If you want to talk about things I’ve done or my reasons for doing them, fine. I’m happy to have that conversation between us.

Gabe

No I’m leading to a point here since so many people have brought up at this trial your death. I’m making a point. Since I’ve taken the throne have I EVER turned down your request for my help?

Sam

Never, not any time that I can think of right off anyway... But I’m not disputing the punishment you handed out for what you believed was an attack on your family. I knew going in what was going to happen to me. I hold my head up, and try to nod once. And I’d do it again… Well, to quote… YOU  “I was in a no win situation that had to look convincing to Abel and Lucifer - the Dark Beings, and in the end it saved not only all your children’s lives, but the entire teams lives” Pretty sure you’ve done the same in that kind of situation… least that’s the exact justification you gave to Henry yesterday.

Gabe

It’s a fair justification and you’re right, but with that said what made you believe you couldn’t come to me for help? Did you not think I would protect you in every way with all that I am from both able and Lucifer?

Sam

In all honesty, I wasn't really sure you'd believe me about Lucifer. When you told us that he wasn't really dead dead, you were pretty much his champion and were clearly in his corner. I felt like too much of a risk with all of your family at stake. I couldn't put that on them

Gabe

taking a moment no matter what Dean did you were always in his corner Sam , he’s my brother and I love him like you do Dean , but it saddens me truly that you felt you couldn’t come to me , I’ve always helped you and you know I’ve fought Lucifer on your behalf numerous times even at what was thought to be the cost of my life correct ?

Sam

You have protected all of us from Lucifer

Gabe

And I’d do it again. That’s what family does

Sam

You're right. That's what Family does. If it had been just US, maybe talking it all out would have been the way to go… but Gabe, this threat was coming for your family. It saddens ME that you’d believe I’d do anything to hurt them, and that you couldn’t listen to what was really happening.

Gabe

So I have to put out there and ask you, it was mentioned earlier in this trial that I didn’t ask why you kidnapped our child, but wouldn’t it be fair to say that you failed in explaining your actions? Until now? Why should it be on me to ask why you kidnapped our newborn child?

Donna

nods like 8 times!!!!

Sam

It wasn't ON you, I knew what I was doing and I knew what would happen and I don't hold you responsible for any of it. I would have liked a better outcome, still would. But it is what it is... What does any of this have to do with these Angels wanting you gone?

Gabe

To answer your question Sam , I only bring it up because so many members of the team have brought it up here at the trial and I’m trying to make them see through your testimony why it was done. The biggest grievance that’s been up repeatedly is my actions against you, I’m clarifying it. I have no more questions

Gabe

Thank you Mr. Winchester

Sam

I nod and look over at the Angel That it for me?

Leo

You may take your seat.

Sam

Thank you I leave the witness area and go back to sit next to Ruby

Leo

Have we any further witnesses?

Rachiel

None that I would call. Atheed?

Gabe

I have one

Atheed

how about Gabe

Gabe

Your honor? I’ll be brief but I have a witness I’d like to call Charlie

Rachiel

I have no objection to that

Gabe

I’d like to call Donna to the stand

Donna

I sit up straight with a start! And look back to my eldest 3 babies who also perk up, I don’t know…. I look back to you and stand! okay my love!

Gabe

First and foremost you have the right to air any grievances against ME , and no one else , if you’d like to

Donna

I walk to the stand and sit shakes head baby. I love you all of you, even if you drive me crazy. All kinds of crazy.

Gabe

I love you too grinning

Donna

I don’t need to air any grievances my sweets! I smile! gawd I love you too

Gabe

I need to to be just, fair, and honest ok?

Donna

I take a deep breath, nod and wait for the question

Gabe

My first question for you is this: do you remember the promise you had me make the one promise I made you out side of our wedding vows, and can you tell the court what that promise was?

Donna

We promised no dying. Ever. Again.

Gabe

Have I kept that promise to you?

Donna

Um.

Gabe

Honesty Is the most important thing Your under oath

Donna

No.

Gabe

No what?

Donna

sighs you haven’t. And kills me every time you die! It looks down at my hands!

MISSY CASSIE and Evie NODS TOO!

Gabe

We’ve fought over this numerous times haven’t we, well, we’ve  debated it

Donna

Constantly! I … don’t know why you always have to be the one Kill me!

Gabe

Not going to happen

MISSY!!!

NOOO!!! stands

CASSIE

pulls her back down! shhhhhh

Donna

big sigh with a glare pain in the arse! soft smile!

Gabe

Now at this trial and before hand, you’ve heard me called selfish, self centered, that I only care about myself and our family meaning you, myself and the Littles is that correct?

Donna

I look up into your eyes again! Yes

Gabe

Yet is it only you that I’ve died for? Or our Littles ?

Donna

No. You’ve….sighed died for the group a lot. Drives me crazy! There’s that crazy I mentioned !!!!!

Gabe

That’s all on my end if anyone would like to cross examine or shall I take the stand?

Donna

I look around! and I stand

Crowley

I raise my hand I'd like to ask a couple questions

Donna

For me????? blinks

Gabe

Feel free sitting down

Crowley

Gabe did say anyone. I just have a couple questions. I walk forward

Donna

Wait? Are you guys questions for Gabe or for me????

Crowley

For you Miss

Donna

Oh! I sit back down! Okay

Crowley

Just for the record, could you please state your relation to Mr. Gabriel

Donna

I’m Gabriel’s Wife! Mother to his our children … Nephilim 🥰

Crowley

And, to check the record, while on the stand you said " I don’t need to air any grievances my sweets! gawd I love you too"

Donna

Yes

Crowley

Actively flirting with the person questioning you?

Donna

Yes

Leo

The witness is not on trial….

Crowley

I look to the judge But she was flirting with the person who IS on trial while being questioned by them I believe that would qualify as bias towards the person questioning her

Donna

Why would that matter

Leo

That is for me to decide Mr Mcleod. Aside from that, does this line of questioning have a point?

Donna

I’m still answering the basic questions he’s asking me.

Crowley

Bias would make you an unreliable wittness

Donna

But the questions had nothing to do with bias Truthful answers.

Crowley

Bias was enough to have Eileen’s testimony struck That is all.

Leo

The questions asked were strict yes or no and were indeed factual. There is no opinion to be swayed here. I could ask you the same question, have you seen Gabe die for the “team” or “family”?

Donna

nods

Gabe

Crowley you were asked a question by the judge

Crowley

He said he Could as me, not that he was Were you asking me that question?

Leo

Yes, Mr McLeod. I would like an answer, just to resolve the bias here…

Crowley

I do not honestly recall ever personally wittnessing Gabe die.

Leo

addressing the courtroom Can anyone else attest to whether or not Gabe dying for you, is factual or not?

Gabe

Your honor?

Leo

You may speak

Gabe

When you ask someone a question are they considered to be under oath?

Leo

Yes, they are.

Gabe

I’d like to ask a question to Crowley then as well if I may it if you’d like me to put him back on the stand, I have only two questions for him

Crowley

I glance to the judge

Leo

Granted. Ms Angel you may take a seat.

Crowley

I go to trade seats with Donna

Gabe

Crowley can you tell me again if you have ever witnessed me dying? For the team or family?

Donna

I step down

Crowley

I close my eyes and search my memories I.......I can remember instances where you HAVE died, but I only remember hearing about it after the fact. The one that comes to mind being when we were turned to stone. I know it led to your dying, but I was stone and can't be sure of your motives.

Gabe

Ok did you not say and I quote: In fact when you contacted my wife didn’t you follow it up with: And I quote: Not only did you witness my dead body but you speculated both how I died and why ?

Crowley

Yes, I witnessed your dead body not the act of you dying. And as you said, speculation. As I said, I can't be SURE of your motives.

Gabe

No more questions your honor I turn and wink at Donna  again, win win darlin

Donna

I smile big beaming at you!

 To be continued

…………………………………………….

7. One by one Rachiel and Atheed call witnesses to the stand (everyone from the team takes their turn this is a free run but be respectful to each other and do not start distracting in the court room of bts) with Gabe getting a chance to ask questions in cross examination. Ruby, Alex, Charlie, Patience, Crowley, Sam, Gabe

[danses-with-dogmeat]

romanced hancock reacting to pregnant sole? (obviously not his baby, but a donor's haha)

Hancock x Pregnant! F!Sole Headcannons:

Oh look! I've been enabled yet again! No, but this is great though, I love thinking about happy companions starting a family with Sole ❤

Also, if y'all want any headcannons or anything for companions as parents please hmu, cuz my brain just naturally seems to consider that after doing these pregnancy prompts anyway 😅

Anyway, thanks for the ask, I hope you enjoy!

The ghoul always wondered whether or not his tear ducts would still work after his whole ordeal, and the news that the love of his life was ready and willing to start a family with him would certainly seek to find out. As soon as she gave the word that the donorship had worked, Hancock would be grinning wide and tearfully, with upturned brows and a trembling lip. Unable to speak at first, he would pull an equally tearful Sole into the tightest hug he could muster, their bodies flush, his arms enveloping his love as his roughened cheek pressed insistently against her smooth one. “You just made me the happiest ghoul in the whole damn world, you know that, sunshine?” He’d say just before touching his lips to her cheek in a long, drawn out, tender kiss. (The action may or may not escalate into a long trail of kisses spanning across Sole's entire face as mirthful giggles escape her lips.)

Who would've thought that this was in the cards for him? Certainly not Hancock. He thought he was lucky enough just to be in the presence of someone like Sole, but for her to return the feelings he had for her? To enthusiastically agree to being in a relationship with him? To want to start a family together? Hancock was sure he was dead, or riding the wildest high of his life, for how could this be reality for someone like him? A junkie, a bachelor, a coward, a ghoul, a flimsy torn page with "bad news" written all over it. Nah, he didn't deserve this, but damn was he overjoyed at the fact that Sole thought he did, and who was he to question her judgement?

Hancock had never thought this would be possible, the whole "baby" thing… even though he knew about donors and such, he always thought it would be too painful for Sole to consider having a family again. And with him? Of all the folks in the Commonwealth and beyond, she wanted the infamous ghoulified mayor of Goodneighbor to be a father? To her kid? He was fucking ecstatic. He didn’t quite understand why she wanted to raise a baby with him, why she thought he’d be any good at it, if she thought that. He knew he wouldn’t be the perfect fit for this kinda lifestyle; that he knew for certain, but the fact that she wanted him to try… that shit made his whole body tingle with warm gratitude from the inside out.

He would try to be calm, collected, and altogether nonchalant about the whole process in order to keep Sole relaxed. From finding the donor, to the fertilization, to the pregnancy, and all the way through to Sole going into labor, he would try to be as calm and cool as a November night. And on the outside, he'd do a damn good job, but inside? Nah, inside, this ghoul's worried sick. If anything went wrong with his sunshine, he wouldn't know what to do, he's not sure he could take a blow like that.

So, he’d try not to think too much about what could go wrong, since he knew that would only make it harder for him to be there for Sole in the way that she needed, but occasionally he’d just have those kinda days. A bad trip, a fitful night fraught with horrific dreams, a bout of horrifying overthinking as Sole uttered a pained sound from one little thing or another, or a stint of morning sickness that seemed to last just a bit too long for his liking. All of these would have the poor mayor on edge. Normally, when he was stressed, Hancock would try to chill out with some jet, or calmex, but he really was trying to give up the junkie life to the best of his irradiated abilities. It was a vicious cycle of anxiety every once in a while, but Sole was always there to help him through it. To remind him that this wasn’t her first experience with having a baby, to tell him that he was doing a wonderful job, despite his anxieties, and to remind him that they were the Sole Survivor and the Mayor of fucking Goodneighbor, and that they could face damn near anything when they were together.

Those were only the bad days though. On the good days, oh, hon... Hancock was simply blissful. Sole really is in for a treat, as she is absolutely 100% pampered and loved on, coddled and looked after for 9 months straight, and then some (minus the couple of bad days, where she has to be the one doing the coddling, but really, how could she mind?). As soon as the pair finds out that Sole really is going to have this baby, Hancock is already offering her anything she may need in order to stay safe and comfortable for the next 9 months.

Hancock’s chill personality really shines when it comes to any mood swings Sole may have, and a lifetime of chem and alcohol use has rendered the ghoul particularly skilled at cooking foods that are comforting and easy to make/eat that come in handy after bouts of morning sickness. Who knew that all of his hangover experience would come in handy like this?

While Hancock loves nothing more than going on adventures in the Commonwealth alongside his beloved, he wouldn’t say it in so many words, but would be more reluctant than usual to leave Goodneighbor or Sole’s house. When, before, he would have leapt up at the prospect of hunting down some goons and making the world a better place through some good ole fashioned violence, Hancock couldn’t think of anything worse than having Sole get injured, or potentially losing the one he loves more than anything in the world, and the possibility of a future family with her if some shit went wrong. So, while he absolutely knows she is capable and an complete beast in combat, and he recognizes that Sole can’t stay cooped up indoors for the whole 9 months, (and let’s face it, he certainly doesn’t want to either, but he’s not about to leave his love behind so he can get outta the house once in a while) he definitely steers the pair away from the areas he knows to be more sketchy than others.

Hancock just loves showing Sole off. He did this before the pregnancy as well, but man, now if anyone comes up to the pair when she starts showing, you know Hancock is already beaming as he tells the inquiring stranger just how far along she is, whether it’s a boy or a girl (if they know), or even what they think the baby’s gender is if they don’t want to know/can’t find out, how often the baby has been kicking, and he may even ask for opinions on baby names from certain kind folks who come up to chat with the parents-to-be. It’s also quite likely that he uses these passer-byes as an indirect way to further compliment Sole, saying things to them like, “Doesn’t she look gorgeous?,” “Just look at how she glows,” or “It’s just incredible how you/these ladies do this, isn’t it? Damn it if she's not the strongest person I know,” just to showcase his admiration for her. Does it sometimes result in strange looks from the strangers? Of course. Does Hancock care, or even seem to notice? Not remotely. He's too busy gawking at the love of his life and her blushing, embarrassed glory.

The mayor tends not to be rude about it unless the person ignores him, but if he notices someone smoking nearby, he will ask them to put out whatever it is, or to simply move if he and Sole were there first. In addition to that, he will make quite the lifestyle change for himself, voluntarily giving up chems to the best of his abilities so long as withdrawals don't prevent him from caring for Sole, and when he does partake, Hancock won’t do it around her, he’ll move outside or to another room. He would also offer to give up alcohol, since he knows that she won’t be able to drink with him anyway, and leave it up to her if she wants him to go cold turkey like her. Even if she doesn’t mind, he still won’t drink in excess around her during her pregnancy. It's kind of a respect thing for him, and there ain't no one he respects more than the future mother of his child.

(little bit of NSFW content here) When it comes to sex, Hancock is even more generous than usual in the bedroom (if you can believe it's possible). His every movement acts as a tribute to his appreciation for the woman he loves more than life itself. He’d be sure to be gentle, but in all honesty, Hancock wouldn’t change anything too much (no need to fix what ain't broken, ya know?). He has always paid particular attention to Sole beneath the sheets, since he’s quite experimental, and comfortable with most kinks and things himself, so he tends to let her choose positions, location, duration, and pacing, and would definitely keep it this way during the pregnancy. You think this man used to really get into body worship before, this is just a whole nuther level. As Sole puts on weight later into her pregnancy, he takes full advantage of her swelling plushness, running his hands over her body, taking the time to squeeze and palm every bit of her growing softness, constantly complimenting every bit of her as his starving eyes eat up every inch of her beauty. Especially if Sole is self-conscious about any of the changes in her body, Hancock will be sure to constantly remind her that she’s the most captivating and gorgeous person he’s ever met. No stretch mark appears on her body without being lovingly kissed, no soreness will develop without the offer of a nice, long massage (this perhaps is just another excuse to get his hands on her), no tenderness will go unnoticed and will be accounted for when his hands are roaming her body. In general, he’s as loving and doting as ever, but he's also on high alert for any signs of pain or discomfort coming from his other half.

He’d be SO excited every time the baby kicked. For some reason, the babe seems to wait until he’s around to do it, and he’s thrilled. Sole is a little weirded out by it, but she honestly takes it as a good sign. But oh man, Hancock's hands will be all up in that shit, not wanting to miss a thing as Sole smiles at him like this isn't the fourth time this has happened in one evening (does he use this as yet another excuse to touch Sole? Hmm, who knows [the answer is yes]). Sometimes he forgets to be sympathetic when Sole can't sleep due to the fluttering in her belly, but his roughened hands smoothing rhythmically over her stomach throughout the night might just help her catch a few Zzs after all.

He’s admittedly quite nervous as she approaches labor, becoming ever more protective as her belly swells to its largest point, ensuring she avoids any kinda gun fight, crazy high heights or unneeded stress, and he would be adamant about Sole sitting out any outings, missions, or other activities in the dangers of the Commonwealth. But man, would he make an environment she didn’t want to leave. Pillows, snacks, dim lighting, good conversation, music, soft touches, compliments galore, and a man who is at her constant beck and call, willing and happy to do anything and everything she might need or want? Yeah, here’s to say, Sole didn’t really want to leave anyway.

By the end of the pregnancy, Hancock has a strange mix of apprehension and denial going on. He’s used to Sole being pregnant now, he knows how to deal with everything, how to take care of her, what makes her uncomfortable and how to fix it. But a kid? An infant? He doesn’t know how babies work, doesn’t know how to tell what they want from him. He’s excited beyond belief at the thought of being a father, but he just doesn’t know how to do it. He tries to think back to his own dad, and the way that he was brought up as a kid, (though, he's not sure that's a great frame of reference given the way he turned out) and definitely goes off of Sole’s judgement, but he can’t shake the feeling that he was never meant for this. To settle down and have a family. He isn’t his dad, he’s Hancock. He’s not a “family man,” not a picturesque pre-war looking man with a normal job and a cookie-cutter backstory; he’s a self-made ghoul, a junkie, a deadbeat whose earned his position of power by bathing in the blood of tyrants who died by his own hand, and shooting his veins up with every kinda poison the wastes have to offer. How do you explain that to a kid? That he made himself the way he is, cuz he couldn’t stand the man he’d grown up to be? What the hell kinda example is that? He wouldn't doubt for a second that his baby would be the center of his world from the moment he sees it, but if anything, that only ups the anxiety that he'll do something to mess the kid up. Hancock would be nervous as shit, but if Sole had confidence in him, well… he trusts her judgement more than he does his own, so if she thinks he’s "daddy" material, he ain’t gonna argue with that. All he can do is hope she’s right, follow her lead, take it one day at a time, and hope that him trying his absolute hardest will be enough.

[natewriteslol]

The Wonders of Magic Pt.2

Warnings: fem reader, language?

Characters in this chapter: Riddle, Azul, Leech Twins

A/N: So ig Nate is making a comeback >:)

Summary: Trying to find the location of one of the energy emblems of your wand leads you right back to those rich kids...

The tour had went a lot more smoothly than you thought it would. You showed them around campus and came right back at 9 as requested so that Ms. Flint didn't chew your head off.

It was awkward at some points but, you managed to get through it. However, the calculating eyes of the white haired guy with glasses was unshakable. No matter how much you talked without looking back trying to distract yourself, you could feel the eyes of almost every single boy piercing your back with judgement, but his especially. 

When you would check on them, looking back every so often, you could see that he felt disappointed that you didn't show the him the entirety of the campus, especially the forest. Almost looking like he was about to throw a temper tantrum with the angry blush that rose up to his cheeks.

If you could recall him muttering under his breath, "That's not nearly enough time" once Ms. Flint gave out the orders to be back by 9.

But once you finished the tour they all went home. You partied and ate your heart out, you deserved it after all. When the night was over you went to your dorm you faceplanted on your pillow in your lower portion of the bunk bed. Saying goodnight to Miete and Silva and immediately falling asleep.

It was Saturday morning, Miete was ecstatic wanting you to tell her every detail of the night with them, once you got to the cafeteria you gave a thorough storytime. Until she stopped you. 

"And so I asked what their names were and-"

"You didn't know their names?!" Miete whisper yelled.

"No... so I asked," you said, you confused on what the big deal was.

"Y/N, how did you not know who they are? They're some of the most richest boys in the country!"

. . .

Well, how were you supposed to know that? You weren't exactly in the loop, especially the who's the richest and who isn't.

"O-oh my gosh this is hilarious" Silva cackled, clutching the oak lunch table with a ghastly pale hand. Miete brushed off Silva’s laughter continuing her worrying "W-What did they say?!"

"They were a little shocked but they were okay. The one who looked the most upset was ummm...Vil Schoenheit was his name?"

Miete looked like she was about to faint, her brown eyes going wide. Silva was having an excellent time reacting to your confusion, just laughing away.

"Being around you is never boring, Y/N, I'll tell you that. But, Vil Schoenheit is one of the most famous actors in the world. His ad for one of the movies he was in was on the TV last week," Silva explained, finally back to her usually relaxed mood.

"No wonder he looked familiar..."you said, finally connecting the dots.

Miette sighed, she loved you dearly but sometimes your ignorance about certain things was just too much to handle.

"It's okay, the tour is already over and I won't ever see their pretty boy faces again!" You joked, making a smile spread across the girl’s cheeks.

However, you spoke far too soon...

~~~

It was just your luck that you managed to have your wand not work in the middle of Charms class. You had no idea what happened, with it suddenly malfunctioning. But nothing seemed to repair it, with sparks flying in and out of the tip of the wand but none of the spells were casting.

Once you finished your classes, you took it to the repair shop by yourself, as they would know would know what to do.

Walking to the shopping center in town, you spotted the wand shop that had been there longer than you had been alive, an old and weathered yet cozy shop. A sign nailed above with faded red letters reading “Ronnie’s Magical Emporium”.

Getting inside you talked to the old man inside, a man with a plump belly, overgrown eyebrows and grey hair took it into his gloved hands.

"Sorry kid, this wand is missing pieces," the old man said, examining the wood with his weathered hands. 

What?! How is this possible, the wand was working completely fine only two days ago?”

"There must be something I can do, please! I need this wand for school," you  pleaded, your charms exam training was in two days which was absolutely unmissable, and you were low on money, there was no way you could by a replacement then and there.

The shop owner sighed, taking off his magnifying eye glass tool.

"Well, there is one thing you can do. Your wand is missing the Magna Pars, also known as the Great Piece of your wand. This often happens with antique wands and the Magna Pars escapes the binds of old wood," he explained "Since it's only been a couple of days it hasn't fully disappeared and you can find it’s location.”

"How do you do that?" you asked, finally a sliver of hope for your unlucky streak.

"The 'Inventor' part of the wand can be able to track where the Magna Pars went," the shopkeeper finishes.

With a flick of the wrist, white heavy sparks flew, it conjured up a map of the entire country. Seeing a bright golden light on the map, the old man zoomed in on it.

"Ah, it's located on the NRC campus," he said.

The named sounded familiar, but then again the academy wasn't too far from Calypso.

"Just go and ask em', I'm sure they'd understand and let you in," he said with a kind smile.

"Thank you so much for your help!"

With your situation solved, you decided to grab your things and make a field trip to Night Raven College in the morning. 

~~~

You left a note for your roommates, them still sleeping soundly in their bunk beds and set off in foot, taking a bus to the campus.

Walking through the forest that acted as a natural barrier between both campuses, above the even the tallest of trees you could see the multiple black spires of what looks like a castle. Once you finally got to the end of the forest, you saw the campus in all of its glory. It was absolutely huge, far more significant than Calypso. The campus was beautiful, yet it felt NRC slightly cold to say the least. But you blamed your acuity on your nerves, and decided to head inside as there was no gate to the school after all. 

The grand black door was left unlocked, sneaking through. Wanting to be as quiet as possible, and to your luck there was no one lurking the halls of school except the occasional security guard.

You pulled out the map again to remember where you had to go exactly. And just your luck, the Magna Pars was in one of the top towers of the school...great.

Turning a corner you looked on both sides, staying on the tips of your toes for your shoes not to squeak.

You had only made it once you saw him, a quip of red hair bouncing up and down as he went up the stairs.

 It was the red head from a couple of days ago, carrying a thick stack of papers along with a stern look on his face.  

That's why the name rang a bell, while they were there only for business, they just so happened to all attend Night Raven College.

'A little strange that they call it a college when almost all of them are too young to be attending a college. You're better off calling it an academy-'

Caught in your thoughts in an attempt to boost your mood, you neglected your steps. Your shoes let out a harsh squeak against the dark marble of the floor, catching the attention of the red haired boy from a hall over.

You scurried quickly to hide, Riddle not yet seeing you. But he could've sworn he heard footsteps! If there was a student evading class, he had to stop them.

So, he listened in extra closely on your footsteps, trying to find your location, yet the echo of the large halls made it incredibly difficult.

It took a long while until Riddle realized that this was childish, what would people think if they saw him like this? Especially his mother. Besides security would catch them anyways, but we all know that one can't depend on them to enforce the rules.

He'll drop off the papers, and then come back to get the rulebreaker.

~~~

To your advantage the short, fiery boy had left you alone. Making it easier for you to get across the halls. But you had a sneaking feeling that he would come back to find you.

'Be quiet as a mouse- wait... mouse! Just turn into a mouse!'

While your wand was out of commission to do many regular things, it could cast very simple spells such as rolling a pencil to yourself, or turning you into something small, like a mouse. However the wand most definitely had limits, so you couldn’t over use it.

 Conjuring up the spell, you felt everything shrink and there you were, a brown mouse. Scampering through, you had a lot of energy to compensate for the lack of ground you were covering. Yet you heard the familiar click of heeled shoes.

Red haired guy.

And to your dismay, he saw you as a rat running on the floor.

“So you were the noise that I heard, you little vermin. Once I catch you it will be off with your head!"

You let out a scream, surprising you with his angry voice echoing off the walls. He was shocked at the sound of such a human-like scream, you certaintly weren't a regular mouse.

Your speed was quicker than his, and you made it to the outside, getting Riddle off your tail.

~~~

Riddle was out of breath, his hands on his knees. How idiotic of him! Spending time playing a game of cat and mouse with someone skipping class, only to then literally a game of cat and mouse.

He had to get the rest of these papers to Professor Crewel, he was only halfway done with his paper work for the dormitories after all. And regardless of the possible vermin that might be running around the school, your dorm comes first. 

Yet he had a suspicion that this wasn't the end of the antics running around this school.

The mouse seemed too sentient... it got scared by his presence and the look in its eyes was too human.

The spout of light that he saw...

Being a part of the student body means that you have to enforce rules and the safety of your peers no matter what. 

And what better enforcement then Azul Ashengrotto.

~~~

You already were in the second half of the campus, the tower was actually in sight! You clambered up the stairs, seeing the golden glimmer of the Magna Pars.

Just

One

More

Ste-

"I'm going to need you to stop right there, little witch~" a voice said, coming out from the shadows of the opposite side of the building. You look to see two six foot tall men, accompanying the red head, the glint of menace in their eyes was enough to send goosebumps down one’s. 

"Wait please this is all a big understanding, I just need that thing over there!" You explained, pointing above at the sparkling piece near the statue. "It's a part of my wand-!"

"You break into our school, waste my time chasing you around school and now you want to steal one of the treasured artifacts from NRC?" Riddle scoffed "You witches are worse than I thought."

"I swear, I would never steal the statue but just check behind it!" You said, becoming more anxious as the cerulean hair inched away from Riddle and Azul and closer to you. 

"Jade, Floyd... seize her."

But just as they took a step toward you, the tower ground began to rumble.

It was happening, the Magna Pars was close to rupturing. The ground began to shake and glow a golden light, the tower was far too elderly to withstand the shaking.

While they were distracted, you performed the spell you know best and turned yourself into a mouse. Scampering through the small bridge that connected to the top of the tower. 

Gripping the Magna Pars in your teeth, you transformed back, placing the golden crystal in your wand. The old roots welcoming honey colored gem inside as if it were alive. 

“Magnerius!” you yelled, mending the entire bridge back together, except your piece of the bridge. 

The boys watched as you fell towards the ground in shock, everything happening was so quick. You were falling from an grand height of four stories, letting out a whistle, before yelling "Nisi terram!"

They looked down, only to not see...anything? You were no where to be found on the ground below. Only for them to hear a hey from the opposite side of the group of boys. Gripping onto the base of the broom in the middle of the air.

You looked Riddle right in the eye, "Not all witches are evil like you think. I hope you have a change of heart someday, and you can see that magic isn’t that bad."

Before they could blink you were already way ahead of them, unable to catch you, yelling being extremely useless as from where you were at it would just sound like gibberish to them. You were in a hurry after all, knowing that Miette and Silva would wonder where you were after three of being gone.

However, it was only when you were back at your dorm that you realized your good luck charm was gone. It was a phone charm of a magic wand that was given to you by your mother.

But you decided to let it go, you couldn't return to that school unless you wanted to be burned at the stake by the students. Maybe you could just ask her for a new one, it would still have the same significance in your heart of her wishing that you do your best in magic school no matter what anyone says.

~~~

'Not all witches are bad, I hope you have a change of heart.'

Riddle's heart panged with guilt, but why? Witches aren’t necessarily societally important. Maybe he wished he wouldn't let his anger get the best of him?

He typically remained neutral on the subject of witches, not caring about whether the tradition of magic died or lived on. But even then, Riddle knew it was rude to let that prejudice comment leave his mouth, regretting it. His pride was incredibly bruised as he stood on the stone bridge after you had saved him.

He apologized to the twins and Azul for wasting their time, and they all swore not to speak of this event to anyone. The twins left Azul on the bridge, the white haired boy saying that he would catch up with them later.

What a wonderful scene Azul just witnessed, how could anyone think that magic is a useless tool. When it's the most perfectly package opportunity. And that little witch could be the perfect gateway for his plan.

A gleam of light drew his attention to a little plastic charm. It was a pink sparkly wand, like something out of those magical girl cartoons Idia seemed to like.

You just couldn't seem to stay away and out of trouble.

How unfortunate for you! But oh so wonderful for him...

~~

[kpopfanfictrash]

Raise the Barre (Ch. 10)

Author: kpopfanfictrash

Pairing: Jimin / Reader

Rating: 18+ (Eventual Smut)

Genre: Enemies to Lovers / Dance Academy!AU

Warnings: the angst continues, but this time there are glimmers of progress

Word Count: 7,221

Summary: You and Park Jimin have been rivals for as long as you’ve known one another; ever since he tripped you in the front row of your first dance convention. When you graduate from high school and enter Russet Ballet Academy, you tell yourself you’re leaving all past quarrels behind. The main problem with this though, is that your past seems determined not to leave you alone.

Worse still, the obstacles you face while out in the real world might prove more challenging than anything your enemy has to offer.  

For the first time all year, Jimin didn’t show up at class the next day.

You’d been dreading seeing him, unable to sleep all night as the kiss replayed itself in your mind. You’d told Jimin you needed to think and now, one day later, you still had no idea what to say.

You’d fucked up – big time.

Cheater had never been a label you would’ve applied to yourself; but here you were, scarlet letter on your chest. Yesterday seemed fuzzy whenever you remembered it, as though it had happened to you, as opposed to being something you’d done. Each time you recalled the moment, the kiss, your heart threatened to burst in your chest. You weren’t sure if this was because of Jimin or Finn.

Finn still hadn’t texted or called you since the fight. Maybe fight wasn’t the right word to describe the knock-down, blowout match you’d had in the library. You and Finn had never fought like that before. You’d had disagreements of course but had always managed to work things out. This was the first time you’d left an argument and found yourself at a loss.

Finn wanted a more available girlfriend and you wanted to dance.

Deep down, you knew this was an unsolvable problem, but the idea just seemed so unfathomable. The idea that this would be the thing to break you up. It hadn’t been a problem back in high school. Maybe Finn hadn’t always come to your dance competitions, but he’d attended recitals and brought you flowers at nearby performances. He’d always seemed to enjoy your dancing, even if he hadn’t fully understood it.

It made your heart ache to imagine that deep down, Finn thought your decisions were foolish. When you awoke Thursday morning, you saw Finn hadn’t called and nearly dialed his number, but then you looked at the clock and swore. Ballet began in an hour.

This conversation wasn’t one to do over the phone. Talking to Finn would have to wait, so you scrambled out of bed and threw on your clothes. Noelle had comforted you the best she could the night prior, but she still didn’t know the extent of what’d happened. All you’d said was you had a fight with Finn.

Saying it out loud felt like admitting defeat. Admitting what you’d done meant you’d have to see Noelle’s expression when you explained – when you told her you’d kissed Jimin while still dating Finn. You didn’t want to see her face when she learned the truth; you were having enough difficulty confronting it yourself.

Pushing this from mind, you focused on today as you entered the classroom. You would be forced to see Jimin this morning. You’d been so worried about talking to Finn, you’d nearly forgotten about the other piece of the equation.

You had kissed Jimin, and then you’d run away.

As you entered, you scanned the room and frowned when you didn’t immediately see him. Jimin usually arrived before you and Noelle. Setting your bag down, you began to warm up and continued to glance at the clock. At one minute until the hour, you began to grow nervous. If Jimin didn’t arrive in the next thirty seconds, the door to the room would shut and that would be that.

Watching the second hand tick, your stomach twisted as the unthinkable happened. Jimin didn’t show up. Ballet on Thursdays was taught by Mr. Vlad, who was notoriously punctual and at exactly 9:00 AM, he shut the door.

You had the sudden urge to check your phone for missed texts, but there was no time. Instead, you were forced to stand at the barre as you began pliés. You knew the second you started today would be a lost cause but could do nothing about it. Your relationship with Finn was in shambles, Jimin was clearly avoiding you but still, you needed to dance.

After class, you called Finn and went again to voicemail. Standing alone in your dorm room, you swallowed and tossed your phone on the bed. Fine – if he wouldn’t answer, you’d go and see him.

Stripping out of your leotard, you tossed this in the laundry to pull on new clothes. Jeans, sweater, coat – slamming a hat on your head, you shoved both hands in mittens and threw your bag over your shoulder. You were halfway out the door when you came to a stop.

You had no idea what to say to Finn.

Shutting your eyes, you slowly exhaled. You were angry, that much was true. Furious, even – his words had been biting, you were still hurting but you also still loved him, as insane as that sounded. Opening your eyes, you glanced at your trembling hands.

You hated feeling this way – weak, irrational. You hated wanting Finn, loving him and being so hurt all at the same time. Worse still, you hated the guilt clouding your judgement and lessening some of your anger. Finn had been wrong to say what he’d said, but you’d also been wrong to kiss Jimin.

For weeks now, you’d felt something for Jimin. Maybe months if you were being totally honest with yourself. Jimin had always consumed a larger amount of your waking hours than could be considered entirely normal for a supposed enemy.

Slowly, you turned and set down your keys. Removing your hat from your head, you stared at the door. Before you could talk yourself out of it, you sat at your desk and dialed Finn’s number.

It rang several times and then went to voicemail. This time, you didn’t hang up.

“Hey. It’s me.” You paused. “Finn, listen, I… we need to talk. Things have gotten so messed up lately. So… fucked up, right? I’m pissed, Finn. I’m really mad at you, but that’s not the only reason we need to talk. I – just call me back. Okay?”

You hesitated, wanting to tell him I love you, but forced yourself to hang up instead. Lowering your phone to your lap, you released a sigh. You supposed for all your avoidance of Finn, you deserved to give him a little more time to think.

Even though sitting here not doing anything was killing you.

As stupid as it sounded, you couldn’t bring yourself to break up over the phone. That would be considered the lowest of low. If you even wanted to break up, that is. It had been less than a week since you’d first had the thought in the cab – maybe you and Finn didn’t belong together. It seemed like a foreign concept still, as nonsense to you as chopping off your own hand.

But you couldn’t ignore things any longer. Something was obviously wrong between you. You needed to talk, you needed to lay all cards on the table and decide where you’d go next.

Closing your eyes, you leaned back in the chair. Without quite meaning to, your thoughts wandered to Jimin.

This seemed to happen more and more lately. You weren’t sure when he started vying for Finn’s place in your mind. The shift had been subtle, a change you’d barely noticed at first. But no – that wasn’t entirely true. It wasn’t as though Jimin had taken Finn’s place, but rather forged an entirely new one.

What you felt for Jimin was different from how you felt for Finn. With Finn, things between you were comfortable, things – had – felt supportive and strong. Now, Finn was none of those things to you, but he still didn’t compare to how you felt for Jimin.

Jimin was like a breath of fresh air after being inside for too long. He was something you hadn’t even realized you missed until you went out. You wouldn’t feel like this for Jimin unless something were wrong with the room you were currently in.

Suddenly, you felt very tired.

You’d always prided yourself on your ability to persevere, on your talent for overcoming by simply pushing on. This though wasn’t something you could solve through sheer force of will. The mess you’d created was only made worse by your infernal stubbornness.

Opening your phone, you flipped to the thread between you and Jimin. The last text he’d sent you had been a TikTok before the night of the kiss. True to his word, Jimin had pretended to forget all about the club and instead, simply returned to being your friend. Rereading your texts, you felt your chest tighten.

It wasn’t as though Jimin had been entirely innocent.

He’d known you had a boyfriend, but you’d never done anything to push him away. You’d been the one to move closer in the club. You had been the one to kiss him first. Jimin didn’t deserve to be treated this way and slowly, you lowered your head to your hands.

It was too much. By all rights, several people should hate you right now and you had no idea how to fix any of it.

Looking up, you set your jaw and sent Jimin a text.

Y/N: you weren’t in ballet class today. Is everything okay? [3:14 PM]

It took Jimin a while to respond. While you waited, you stared at the ceiling, then the floor until you saw ellipses typing. Jimin paused, then stopped and started again. After several long minutes, you got a new text.

Jimin: was sick, sorry [3:22 PM]

Y/N: that sucks :/ [3:22 PM]

Jimin: Y/N. What do you want? [3:23 PM]

Swallowing hard, you sat back. You had no idea what you wanted, and therein lay the problem. Belatedly, you realized you couldn’t have this conversation before you talked to Finn. You couldn’t know what you were apologizing for until you knew where you stood with your current relationship.

You needed more time, which was what you had told Jimin yesterday – and then proceeded to ignore, texting him now.

Y/N: nothing. I’m sorry. I just… wanted to make sure you were okay [3:25 PM]

He started typing again, then stopped. This happened a few more times and you imagined Jimin rewriting whatever it was he wanted to tell you. Finally, he sent his text and you felt your heart sink.

Jimin: yeah. I’m fine. [3:27 PM]

Y/N: okay [3:28 PM]

Placing your phone to the side, you fought back the tears which now threatened to fall.

You’d never imagined yourself an emotional person, so you couldn’t imagine where all this was coming from. Some long-lost, pent-up part of yourself which throbbed and whispered how stupid you were. Stupid to have fought with Finn, stupid to have pushed Jimin away, stupid to have kissed him and hurt everyone in the process.

Climbing into your bed, you curled into a ball and let the tears fall until you had nothing left.

The next morning, you walked into ballet class with red-rimmed eyes. Noelle had returned yesterday afternoon, taken one look at your face and transitioned to mom mode. She thought your breakdown was all about Finn and you hadn’t bothered to correct her. In a way, it all was.

He still hadn’t called. When you woke, you battled again whether to go to Redfield and confront him in person. That hadn’t worked out so well the last time, but it was driving you crazy to exist in this state of not knowing.

When you entered class Friday morning, you saw an unfamiliar woman at the front and felt your heart sink. In the chaos of this past week, you’d nearly forgotten about today’s master class.

Maisie Vern was a renowned choreographer of classical ballet. She’d choreographed for some of the most well-known ballets all over the world, with her pas de deux choreography receiving comparisons to Balanchine originals.

You’d completely forgotten she was teaching today. Starting to panic, you forced yourself to stay calm. Just because your private life was falling to pieces didn’t mean this needed to manifest in your dancing. You could do this.

And then Jimin walked into the room and you realized you couldn’t.

He looked as tired as you felt, dark circles shadowed beneath his eyes. He hardly glanced your way as he entered, crossing to the other side to set down his things. Following him with your gaze, you watched Jimin begin to stretch at the barre. Dark hair fell over his forehead, hiding his face from view.

Forcing yourself not to look, you noticed Seokjin standing at the front. Seeing him beside Miss Vern made your stomach sink. Seokjin was in high demand as a teacher’s assistant; the only reason he’d be here was if he were assisting Miss Vern. And if he were assisting Miss Vern, this meant today’s combination must be a pas de deux.

Confirming your growing dread, Miss Vern clapped both her hands. She was dressed in a slouchy sweater, wispy bun and flat canvas ballet shoes. Effortlessly standing in first position, she glanced around the room.

“Hello,” she said. “For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Maisie Vern. We have a long class today, so make sure your water bottles are full. For the first hour we’ll warm up at the barre, then we’ll move to center and learn some choreography. I will warn you,” she said, raising her brow. “This pas de deux is from a ballet I’m choreographing for the San Francisco ballet, so it has never been performed live before. Therefore! A certain amount of professionalism and confidentiality is expected.”

Whispers swept the room, everyone eager for the opportunity to prove their worth. Even you found yourself awed by the moment – it was a privilege to dance in the same room as Maisie Vern, let alone learn choreography she’d yet to reveal to the public.

“Now.” Miss Vern gestured to Seokjin. “Some of you might know Kim Seokjin, my assistant for the day. He comes to me highly recommended and will help demonstrate some of the more complicated lifts. Today’s pas de deux is less about the choreography though, and more about the emotion.”

Hearing this, you froze at the barre.

“The ballet is a modern-day retelling of the Odyssey epic. Our hero, Odysseus, has just returned home and is reunited with his love, Penelope. He suspects her of cheating in his absence, so he disguises himself as someone else to test her. Penelope realizes who he is and is furious at her husband for his lack of faith.”

Your gaze darted to Jimin. He stared ahead at Miss Vern, but you could see his jaw tense from all the way across the room.

“This pas de deux is all about tension! Two people in love but pushed beyond their limits. Time and distrust have come between them. This,” Miss Vern announced, “will be the goal of you ballerinas and danseurs to convey.”

All around, a few people nodded, but most of the class seemed unnerved by the prospect. Thus far, your classes at Russet had mainly focused on technique. Even in weekly variations class, the emphasis had been on learning the choreography, rather than on how to tell a story.

This was the hallmark of a great dancer, though. Being able to act as you moved, telling a story which the audience could understand.

“It will be a challenge,” Miss Vern said. “However, I think you will find it to be enjoyable. With that said, let’s start at the barre. Pliés!”

Everyone scrambled to stand, including you and Noelle. Pressing play on the music, Miss Vern demonstrated the combination before you began. Barre passed quickly, possibly because you were dreading center so much. All too soon, the hour was up, and Miss Vern instructed the class to find their partners.

Warily, you crossed the room and came to a stop beside Jimin. He looked up as you approached but kept his face carefully neutral. You couldn’t tell what he was thinking and for a moment, felt a glimmer of resentment.

It had taken two people to kiss in that practice room.

Jimin had known you were taken, just as much as you’d known you were dating Finn. Even if you’d started the kiss, Jimin hadn’t stopped it – if anything, he’d kissed you back.

The moment you thought this, some of your anger drained away. Jimin had wanted to talk, but you hadn’t let him. Maybe you’d realized you felt something for him since then, but Jimin had never said anything similar to you.

For all you knew, he’d simply been caught in the moment. It wasn’t as though Jimin had ever said anything about wanting to be more than friends.

“Alright!” Miss Vern clapped her hands. “Ballerinas, you’ll start offstage. We begin at the end of the male solo. By this point in the choreography, Penelope and Odysseus have reunited. In her solo, we realize she knows who he is. In his solo, he’s angry to hear she’s entertained other suitors. They reunite for the coda!”

Glancing again at Jimin, he immediately looked down. The kernel of anger returned and this time, it grew larger. Although yes, you’d initially run away, you had at least tried to reach out to him yesterday. Jimin had been the one to skip class and shut you down.

It wasn’t fair for him to expect you to have all the answers. You had a boyfriend and you’d kissed. Clearly, you had a few things to work through.

Jaw tense, you separated from Jimin and went to stand on the sidelines. Miss Vern began teaching the danseurs the end of their solo, instructing the men to spread out on the floor. Unscrewing the cap of your water bottle, you took a large, angry sip.

As the music began, the male dancers followed suit while you watched from the side.

“Y/N?”

Turning your head, you found Sabrina before you.

She was dressed in her usual ballet clothes, but there was something about her which seemed different today. Maybe it was the hesitancy in her expression.

Looking at her in surprise, you wondered what she had to say. The fight you’d had on Halloween night seemed so far away but had barely been a week ago.

“Yeah?” you said as you set down your water.

Sabrina hesitated, seeming at war with herself. “Hey. So, I was wondering…”

Miss Vern yelled a correction at the group. Gaze darting sideways, you attempted to see who it had been directed to. After a moment, you returned to Sabrina.

“Wondering what?” you said, arching a brow.

“I was just… wondering if we could talk,” Sabrina finished lamely.

You blinked and stared at her in surprise. Out of everything, this was quite possibly the last thing you’d suspected would happen today. Before you could respond though, Miss Vern called for ballerinas to enter.

“Ballerinas!” She motioned you forward. “Your entrance will come from the top right wing. Run through the center and find your partner.”

“I – okay,” you said, realizing Sabrina waited for an answer. “Later.”

Sabrina frowned, about to respond but Miss Vern clapped her hands again, forcing you to move. Hurrying past, you hastily positioned yourself in the back of the room. With everything else that was happening, you didn’t really have time to worry about another enemy.

Speaking of whom – Jimin’s gaze hardened when you approached and in response to this, anger flared in your belly.

You’d asked him to give you time and he had agreed. It seemed this was no longer the case.

Woodenly, Jimin held out his hand. Staying carefully neutral, you took this as Miss Vern began to teach you the steps. She hadn’t been lying when she’d called the pas de deux difficult. By necessity, some of your anger disappeared as you focused on learning.

Jimin seemed equally concentrated, barely looking your way while he practiced. It took nearly forty-five minutes to learn the entire coda, with Miss Vern stopping partway for a water break. By the time you knew the choreography, both of you were sweating.

Miss Vern had also been right to call the pas de deux one about tension. At the start, Jimin’s character was testing Penelope. This involved him pulling you towards him, turning you and making you chase him – until halfway through the coda, when Penelope snapped. Choreography shifting, you began to chase him, revealing you knew who he was.

The choreography was intricate, necessitating trust between partners. Despite everything, you were relieved to find this still existed between you. When you jumped, you knew Jimin would catch you. When you fell, you knew his hands would find your waist.

Still, this didn’t mean things had returned normal. As you practiced a fouetté, turning quickly to face him, Jimin gripped your wrist harder than usual. Wincing, you pushed on towards the next jump.

The combination involved several lifts, one of which was the most psychologically taxing. It involved Jimin lifting you overhead with your front leg extended, holding only your waist. While not the most difficult move technically, it required a certain fortitude of mind to dangle, upside-down from his arms.

This certainly wasn’t helped by the fact that Jimin kept grunting.

“Will you stop doing that?” you hissed as he set you back down.

A muscle in Jimin’s jaw ticked.

“Stop doing what?”

“Grunting. I keep thinking you’re about to drop me.”

Jimin gave you a look, chest heaving for breath. “Well, it’s hard.”

“Our job is to make it look easy.”

“Yeah, look easy,” he argued. “That doesn’t mean it actually is.”

“Well –”

“Let’s just try it again,” Jimin said, cutting you off.

After a moment, you nodded and returned to your position. As you began to practice with music, you felt a familiar sinking feeling in your stomach. It seemed you’d taken several steps backwards since the start of the year. Instead of continuing to grow as partners, you and Jimin had returned to the start.

As you repeated the steps, you felt his grip on you tighten, but Jimin lifted you overhead with nary a grunt. He set you back down, your leg extended in arabesque.

“Good!” said Miss Vern as she walked past. “Try to support her lower back more, though, Jimin. She shouldn’t be falling that far behind.”

As she walked away, Jimin nodded and exhaled a breath. Once she was gone, he turned sideways to face you. Again, his gaze was unfamiliar and cold.

“Alright,” Jimin said. “Again?”

“From where?”

“Middle of the partner section?”

You nodded, taking a step backwards to catch your breath. The break in the partner section began with you running towards him, Jimin catching you around the waist to sweep you into a fish lift.

As you ran through the steps, you tried to concentrate on the choreography. Not on your partner, nor on the uncertainties which roared through your mind. Jimin certainly didn’t seem to have the same qualms you did. By all accounts, Jimin was a sharp, perfunctory, and timely dance partner.

You found this to be maddening.

Just when you’d forgotten how strained things had become, he’d grip your hand a little too tightly, or turn you a little too sharply and your eyes would narrow. After another ten minutes of practice, Miss Vern called your attention by the stereo.

“Let’s try it full out,” she suggested. “I won’t hold the first time against you, but please do your best to execute every lift.”

The class grunted in agreement; wiping sweat from their brows, they retreated to their starting positions.

Glancing at Jimin, you said, “Full out?”

He nodded. “If you want.”

Turning on his heel, he walked across the room. You watched him go, your blood beginning to reach a boiling point. Jimin was acting like a petulant child. This was how he used to be in high school, back when he was your enemy and everything had been simpler, but you didn’t want that anymore.

Now that you knew who Jimin was, you couldn’t possibly go back to hating him. The very idea made your heart hurt.

Possibly you were being unfair, or naïve. Clearly, you’d hurt Jimin, but there wasn’t time to fix things between you before the end of class. You needed to be professional, you needed to pull your shit together and you needed Jimin to do the same. Turning around, you crossed the room and reached your starting spot.

Taking a deep breath, you waited for your cue.

When Miss Vern signaled the ballerinas to enter, you ran – and felt Jimin catch you by the wrist. He wasn’t gentle, pivoting you to a penché and waiting for you to rise. When you did, he crushed you to his chest and caught your knee in posse.

Teeth gritted, you kept your gaze on him while extending á la second. Hand finding your calf, Jimin raised your leg higher. His grip was rougher than usual, making you shiver as his hand slid to your ankle.

Gaze lidded, Jimin bent you in cambré. When he pulled you upwards to face him, your noses practically touched. Your frustration, previously under control, began to unwind.

“Why weren’t you in class yesterday?” you whispered.

Jimin’s eyes flashed, as though in warning. When you turned around, he caught you deftly around the waist. Pulling you to him, Jimin’s breath ghosted your neck.

“I told you,” he murmured. “I was sick.”

“Bullshit,” you said, breaking free of his hold.

Jimin followed close behind, his feet skimming the floor. As you piqued to arabesque, he caught up and pulled you against him.

“You’re avoiding me,” you accused.

“I’m not. And it’s not bullshit,” he added. Turning you around, Jimin dipped you, only to catch you before you hit the floor. “I’m here, aren’t I?”

The next part required more footwork, both of you circling the other. Your breathing was heavier the next time you were close enough to speak.

“You’ve barely spoken to me today,” you hissed.

A mirthless laugh left his lips. Spinning you sideways, Jimin caught you against his chest, your bodies pressed together in heated silence.

“I thought you told me not to say anything?” he said sweetly.

The next move tore you apart, your feet skimming the floor before Jimin caught up and lifted you high overhead. You saw the ground for a moment, heartbeat hammering your ribs before he set you back down. Chasséing forward, you battemented and were again caught by Jimin at the ankle.

Dragging you closer, his hand found your waist.

Stubbornly, you met his gaze. “I needed time to think.”

“Oh, did you?”

Releasing your leg, he lowered you to a penché. As you rose, you managed to say, “I did. And now, I think we should talk.”

Jimin snorted. “What’s there to talk about?”

Your next battement nearly hit him in the head. Jimin’s eyes widened, but it was all part of the choreography. Timed to a change in tempo, the choreography shifted to you as the pursuer.

On pointe, you ran forward, leaping into his arms at the last second. Fish dives were difficult, since they required complete trust of your partner, but Jimin caught you easily, cradling you close to his chest. 

Lips brushing your ear, he set you back down. “Are you still with him?” he asked, chest heaving behind you. “Your boyfriend?”

Meeting his gaze in the mirror, you hesitated. “Yes.”

His gaze hardened. “Then, there’s nothing to talk about.”

There was no time to respond since the next sequence involved Jimin chasséing away into a tour jeté. You followed with chainés, head whipping around to spot him every time. As soon as you were within speaking distance, you caught him by the arm again.

“I say there is,” you insisted. “Why are you making this so difficult?”

“Me?” Jimin barked a laugh as he turned. “You’re the one driving me crazy. Like you always do.”

“What the hell does that mean?” you said to him, baffled.

Jimin’s gaze cut to yours.

For the briefest of moments, you saw his façade break. All of his pain, all of his hurt and frustration shone through and you felt yourself falter. Staring at him, you couldn’t form a response.

Not that there was time. The dance hadn’t ended and class hadn’t stopped. Taking a slow step towards you, Jimin tenderly caught your attitude effacé and extended your leg. Dragging you forward, he pulled you across the floor.

As he came to a stop, Jimin swept your body to his as your fingers curled in his hair. In the choreography, the moment was one of near reconciliation between Penelope and Odysseus, a breather before their intense ending sequence. Jimin’s chest was concave with your breath, his gaze dark and lidded when he pulled back to see you.

You swallowed, disentangling yourself as you bourreéd away.

Heart pounding, you skimmed the floor with glissades, crossing the room with Jimin close behind. The final sequence was the grand reveal, with Penelope exposing Odysseus for who he is and forgiving his mistrust.

You could relate to the sequence.

Not all of it – had you been Penelope, you might have cheated while Odysseus had been away. You might have fallen for someone else; one of the suitors, perhaps. When you looked at Jimin now, you saw that clearly. There were feelings here which extended beyond a normal crush.

Still, you could relate to the dance. You could relate to Penelope’s frustration at Odysseus for being gone for so long. For leaving in the first place, for forcing her to withstand all her burdens alone. She’d been faithful to him and all he’d done was accuse her of cheating. You remembered Finn’s words to you in the library and felt your heart sink, since you’d ended up proving him right after all.

You’d also hurt Jimin though, which you hadn’t intended. Of course, he was angry – you’d repeatedly led him on, not pushing him away when you should have. And when things between you had finally snapped, you hadn’t let him speak. You’d run away.

Executing a double pirouette, you extended in attitude for a quick promenade. Shutting down your mind, you allowed yourself to be swept away by the music. Swept away by the characters, the dance and its emotions. The choreography became less important as the story came alive. Jimin’s hands were as familiar to you as your own, lifting you easily and setting you back on the ground.

Your heart ached with each step, wanting to be closer, wanting to be nearer to him than you were. As the steps slowed, you found yourself softening. Jimin’s hand slid to your thigh, settling you against his chest in a move reminiscent of the first time you’d felt a spark. Locking gazes with him, you inhaled and lifted your hand to rest on his cheek.

Time seemed to slow; you both felt and saw a muscle tick in his jaw. Jimin roughly exhaled, his chest pressed to yours as his gaze dropped to your lips.

“Bravo! Brava!”

Startled, both of you looked up.

Dazedly, you remembered you weren’t alone. You were in Miss Vern’s ballet class, most of whom had stopped dancing midway to watch. Placing you down on the ground, Jimin took a step backwards. Lacing both hands before him, he refused to meet your gaze, choosing instead to focus on Miss Vern.

“Beautifully done!” Crossing the floor, Miss Vern stopped before you. “The passion you showed! Such emotion, such artistry. My own principals couldn’t have done any better.”

Eyes widening, your lips parted. A flutter of incredulity went through you. It was unthinkable to receive such a high compliment from a teacher at Russet, let alone a choreographer as famed as Maisie Vern.

If you’d been looking for a sign to continue, this had to be it. One of the top choreographers in the world, commending your talent and somehow, her words didn’t feel nearly as good as when Jimin had said them.

Glancing at him, you found Jimin looking as stunned as you felt. The ache within you sharpened to a point, realizing how much he meant to you. How much you wanted his success, regardless of your own.

In that moment, you knew it had never been about anyone else’s perception of you as a dancer.

You knew you could do this. You knew you could make it at Russet, could make it as a dancer. Deep down, you’d always known this, despite your moments of doubt. Jimin had been right. You wanted to dance, you loved to dance and you would continue down this path regardless of what anyone else said.

That hadn’t been what crushed you about Finn’s words.

It had crushed you that after all this time, he still didn’t seem to know who you were. The fact that he could throw out those words so casually, as though you might simply stop dancing meant he didn’t see you. He might as well have asked you to stop breathing.

Jimin, though – Jimin understood. Jimin knew who you were. He’d been a part of your life for so long, he got what made you tick. He’d seen you at your worst, as your most bitter enemy and then again, as your most trusted partner.

It was part of why he meant so much to you.

You understood all this in the blink of an eye, then realized you hadn’t responded to Miss Vern’s praise.

“Oh,” you said, fighting to catch your breath. “I – thank you so much, Miss Vern. I honestly don’t know what to say.”

Miss Vern nodded, as though she were used to such a response. Beside you, Jimin was still breathing hard, but he nodded.

“Yes,” he said. “Thank you so much.”

She nodded, not choosing to linger as she faced the room. “Use them as an example!” she said, striding towards the stereo. “Seokjin and I will demonstrate, but that is the level of performance you should aim for. Again!”

The rest of the class passed in a blur, some of the fight dissipated between you and Jimin. He was still quiet, but you didn’t push him again to speak. You’d done enough for now.

As the class came to an end, Miss Vern gathered you round to give a short speech. She thanked everyone for the pleasure of teaching and, once you were dismissed, turned towards the barre.

Jimin left before you could, throwing his things in his bag as he rushed from the room. You followed him with your eyes, knowing he was avoiding you, but not blaming him in the slightest.

Sabrina wasn’t far behind and your gaze lingered on her, remembering the attempted conversation during class. You still had no idea what she’d wanted to say but honestly, Sabrina was the least of your problems right now.

Exhaling, you stood from the ground and checked your phone. Still no word from Finn.

You were trying desperately to understand, trying to give him time to think, but after your fight on Wednesday, you honestly weren’t sure if you still had a boyfriend. Finn’s radio silence didn’t seem to indicate anything positive, but you refused to let this be the way things ended between you. He owed you that much, at least.

Returning to your dorm, the knot tightened further as you imagined what he might say. Both of you had said hurtful things and now, you needed to tell him something which would change your relationship forever.

You needed advice. You needed to talk to Fin. You needed to apologize, you needed–

Plopping down on your bed, you dialed the only number you could think of to call. Noelle had graciously left to stay at Irene’s, giving you the room to yourself.

Your mom answered on the first ring.

“Y/N? Hello?”

“Mom?” you said, your voice suddenly tight.

“Oh, honey” she said, hearing your shift. You heard a soft click, as though she’d entered the next room. “What’s going on?”

“I – nothing.”

Closing your eyes, you fought to control your breathing.

“Nothing, hm?” Your mom made a gentle noise. “You’re still coming home for the holidays, aren’t you? That’s not what this is about? Your dad won’t stop talking about plans for when you get here. He just goes on and on! You’d think he didn’t have a wife.”

“No, no,” you said, opening your eyes. “I just… missed you. That’s all.”

“Well, then call more!”

When you tried to laugh, the sound came out weaker than usual.

Your mom fell quiet for a moment. “That’s not all, is it?”

“… No.”

“Tell me,” she prodded.

So, you did.

Once you started talking, you found you couldn’t stop. Everything came pouring out. The difficulties you’d had at Russet, the need for private lessons, the injury to your ankle and everything going on with Finn. The time he missed brunch, the gradual growing apart, the night he left you at the club – your mom had some choice words at this point – and your growing feelings for Jimin.

Everything had changed when you’d gone to Russet, and you’d always assumed Finn would stay the same but now, even he was crumbling into pieces.

When you were done, your mom was silent a moment, then sighed. You could picture her so clearly in your mind’s eye, seated in your dad’s office chair. This was likely where she’d gone when you heard the door click. The image made you so homesick, it physically pained you.

“Life isn’t ever as neat as we wish it would be,” your mom said at last. “People make mistakes, Y/N. People change. Sometimes the things we thought were permanent turn out not to be.”

“I know. And I know Finn and I are young, but –”

“It’s not that,” your mom said, cutting you off. “Some people meet the person they want to be with early on. That happens. Some people know who they are from the minute they’re born, but other people change and want different things.”

“I – I know. Objectively, I know but… it’s so hard to do something I don’t want to do. And I… I don’t want to break up with Finn.”

“Why not?” your mom said gently.

Biting down on your lower lip, you felt tears fill your eyes. Your answer was stupid – you knew it was. Partly, this was why you kept running away. You knew the answer wasn’t enough, which was why you didn’t want to say it.

“We’ve just been together so long,” you said, closing your eyes. “We’ve gone through rough patches before. Why is now any different?”

“I don’t know. Why is it?”

Swallowing hard, you whispered, “Because this time, I have no idea how to fix things. I think we’ve hurt each other too much, mom. I don’t know… I don’t see a way back to how we were.”

Hearing the words said out loud, you opened your eyes.

There it was. The thing you’d known for weeks but had been unwilling to say. So long as you kept it bottled in, pushed down, you didn’t have to acknowledge its presence or pain.

In truth, your fights with Finn had become so commonplace, you could no longer point to ‘the big one.’ The fight about spending time together had mutated, becoming a multi-headed dragon of differing life goals, de-prioritization and feelings for others.

Whenever you and Finn were happy these days, you found yourself holding your breath. You were waiting for said happiness to dissolve into pain. You had no clue when a relationship was supposed to end but had to imagine this wasn’t a good sign.

“I don’t think there are any easy answers, Y/N,” said your mom. “This is something you need to decide for yourself.”

“Shouldn’t it be easy, though?” you demanded, grip tightening on your phone. “When I list out everything that’s happened, I know things are bad. I haven’t been telling you things because deep down, I don’t want you saying what I already know.”

“Which is?”

“We… that we should break up.”

Your mom was quiet a moment. “It’s never easy to give up something you love.”

You wanted to respond but found you couldn’t, simply nodding even though she couldn’t see. On some level, she was your mom and she understood.

“What about the other boy you mentioned?” she said, sounding curious. “The one you’re having feelings for. Is this the same Jimin as high school?”

“Yes,” you whispered, the white-hot shame of your kiss burning you from the inside.

That was something you couldn’t tell your mom. Not now, at least. Maybe sometime in the future but for now, you couldn’t bear the shame of admitting what you’d done. You never should have let things get to this point.

“Hm.” She made a thoughtful sound. “You know, I’m not surprised to hear you’re getting along. He always seemed like a nice boy, despite how you treated him.”

“Mom!” you blurted. “You’re supposed to be on my side.”

“I am, honey.”

“Jimin used to bet I’d lose against him in competitions.”

“Mhm. And who started those bets?”

Although you huffed, you didn’t respond because your mom was right. Your bet senior year had been Jimin’s idea, but you’d been the one to start them before.

“It’s not even about Jimin,” you said, quieting somewhat. “It’s more… nothing in my life is solid anymore. I had a plan, mom. I knew exactly what I wanted and now that I’m here, nothing’s how I imagined.”

Softly, your mom chuckled. “Welcome to your twenties.”

“Mom!”

“You’re right, I’m sorry. Welcome to adulthood.”

“You’re not helping.”

“Sorry, sorry.” Her voice grew softer. “I wish I was there, so I could give you a hug. You’ve always been the type of person who needed a plan. But there’s more than one way to be happy, Y/N. What is it you really want?”

Her words were so reminiscent of Jimin that for a moment, you could only pause. What you wanted was dance, but you knew acknowledging this meant giving up Finn.

“I don’t know,” you whispered.

“Well, then. That’s probably the first thing you should figure out.”

Closing your eyes, you nodded. You stayed on the phone with her a while longer, talking about nothing and slowly calming down. When you finally hung up, you promised to call more and confirmed your plans to come home for the holidays.

Lowering your phone to the bed, heavy realization settled over you. You’d reached your lowest moment. If you sunk any further, there’d be no salvaging anything.

What else could happen? You barely had a relationship with Finn to speak of, had hurt Jimin’s friendship in the process and were so distracted, so tired, you were in danger of jeopardizing your future at Russet.

Somewhere along the line, everything had become twisted. You had too many problems to ignore any longer. Sitting up straighter in bed, you wiped tears away with your palm. All you could do was move forward – starting with Finn.

Satisfied by this, you rolled over in bed and closed your eyes. It had been a long time since you’d slept; you figured you could try and nap before you called. Finn wouldn’t be out of his classes for a few hours yet.

For the first time in a week, you managed to fall asleep before your mind could talk yourself out of rest.

Author’s Note: Thank you for reading 😊 ONE MORE CHAPTER LEFT! (and then the epilogue, but you know) New chapters of Raise the Barre will be posted weekly; dates are listed on the series Master List. Requests for updates will be deleted.

RAISE THE BARRE MASTERLIST 

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