#so you get bullshit slapped on to weirdness and it turns into a damn nightmare

[alatus-k]

I manage seven apartments for the theatre (and to be completely fair, only three are in a 5/1, the others are historic building renovations) but all of them, different landlords, different renovation times- are the same fixtures, the same bargain basement materials, and the same flashy eyecatching pieces that make you forget about the rest of it. (OOOO honey LOOOK they have (faux) marble countertops and wood-look laminate floor!!!) The 5/1 is failing in terms of infrastructure (multi-floor leaks, issues in one unit affecting multiple units) but the historics are failing wherever contemporary construction touched them- cheap appliances dying, cabinets only lasting two years before looking decrepit, low-profile trendy wall-mounted fixtures pulling out of the walls. They had to replace the *entire doorknob* in one because the RFID keyfob died, and the company stopped making compatible doorknobs- imagine that on a building scale! Nothing is built for longevity, only to look appropriately trendy for the online listing photos. So I don’t think the problem is with the 5/1- (it’s not NOT the problem) but that every possible construction project must be Profit Maximized and specifically gauged for Ideal Turnover, so in X years when it looks even slightly out of date, it can get sold off and knocked down.

Fuck it, Urbanism hot take night, none of you bitches actually know what gentrification is

[shadowqueenjude]

So I think we can all agree that the Archerons were so weird because they didn’t bicker like real siblings, so here’s a snippet of a fic I’m writing where all the sisters are arguing. This takes place during a dress fitting for Elain’s wedding. Warning: lots of inner circle slander

Nesta scowled at her reflection as faeries fussed over her, adjusting the gown she was wearing.

“You look lovely, Nesta,” Feyre said from the seat beside her. “Easy for you to say,” Nesta muttered. Feyre looked magnificent in an electric blue halter top paired with black slacks and boots. A circlet of small crescent moons lay upon her forehead. “I look ridiculous.” Nesta glared at the gold dress she had been shoved into again. “God, it’s the same as my hair. Can’t you get a red dress, at least? This makes my skin fade out.” At last, the dressers obeyed, pulling the ill-fitting monstrosity away from her body. 

“You looked pretty in that dress, Nesta,” Elain said gently, her hair up in a jumbo bun at the top of her head, wildflowers surrounding the band holding it up. She wasn’t getting fitted today, but she had come to see what dresses Nesta and Feyre would be wearing. Not like Elain would have any difficulty with her dress. She looked perfect in everything she wore, except perhaps that black dress she’d once worn in the Hewn City. It was annoying.

“Quit lying Elain, I looked like wallpaper,” Nesta snapped. Then she sighed. “Red is truly my color, but that blonde bitch everyone thinks is sooo beautiful is always wearing it, so I usually opt for black.”

“Don’t speak that way about Mor,” Feyre said sharply.

“I’ll speak of her however I like, little sis. She’s not my friend, and frankly, she isn’t really even yours.”

Feyre glowered at her. “She saved me from Tamlin.”

“Did she do that for you, or for little Rhys-rhys? Has she ever stood up for you in front of Rhysand? She certainly despises me; thought me fit to throw into the court of nightmares. I highly doubt you’re much different.”

“Yeah, I am. Maybe if you weren’t such a bitch all the time, people would treat you differently.”

Nesta laughed sarcastically. “Because 500 year old uber powerful Fae warriors can’t handle a 23 year old formerly human woman handing their asses to them, can they?”

“You’re really going to start this now, with my wedding just around the corner?” Elain complained. Nesta whipped her head around to her. “Oh, sure! I absolutely care about this sham of a wedding! Feyre’s mate is a jackass, my mate is a jackass, but perhaps third time’s the charm with you, huh, Elain?” 

“Lucien is ten times the man Rhysand will ever be,” Elain said coldly, her temper causing her voice to raise volume. Nesta opened her mouth to say that this doesn’t mean much considering Rhysand is a small boy stuck in a man’s form when Feyre interrupted. “Wait a damn minute. You both despise my husband?” she demanded.

“What gave it away, Feyre?” Nesta drawled. “Me constantly insulting Rhysand, resisting his orders, and declaring him not my high lord? Me not wishing to live with the rest of you? Elain literally leaving Night to get away from him?”

“I thought Elain left Night because of Azriel!”

“Azriel?!” Elain let out a snort which turned into such mirth that Nesta stared. “That broody, brainless bat not man enough to speak about his feelings in any capacity? You think I’d leave because of him? As if! I left because I got tired of your fake family’s fake welcome and decided Lucien was better than the lot of them.” 

“Lucien let me get hurt in Spring!”

“Don’t give me that bullshit, Feyre!” Elain shrieked, and Nesta gasped. Elain cussing was something Nesta frankly thought she’d never hear. “Lucien told me his side of the story, and it seems as if your head was too far up Rhysand’s ass to realize everything Lucien has done for you!” 

“Just like Feyre never acknowledged the work we did around the house when we were in the cottage,” Nesta muttered. Elain nodded. Feyre stalked up to Nesta and slapped her face so hard her neck tilted. “Oh no you didn’t,” Nesta snarled, and she shoved Feyre into a coat rack, taking her and the rack to the ground. The two of them began wrestling, Elain crying, “Stop, you idiots, stop!” in the background. “Help, there’s a fight going on in here!”

[poisonintopositivity]

(My Very Own) Top 20 Sterek Fics

Here is my very own Top 20 Sterek Fics (out of order)

For me, these fanfictions are a “MUST READ NOW!!!” kind of deal. These authors have so much talent, it’s incredible. These stories are just marvelous and deserve LOVE ! So, I decided to share them with you.

I’ve read most of these fics several times and some of them are even my bedside table books (with Harry Potter and the Prisonner of Azcaban and Jane Eyre)

So here we go!

1:  Enemy Lines by @qhuinn -  150k - Explicit - Dystopia - Enemies to friends to lovers - Action/adventure

This is the story of werewolf Derek Hale and human Stiles Stilinski: two people who grew up in the same town but completely different worlds, their realities split by the war between men and wolves.

Years later when Derek returns to Beacon Hills, he does it as Alpha of a military pack on a mission to capture those responsible for the region’s resistance. With his main objective, Sheriff Stilinski, out of sight, he settles for the next best thing: his son, Stiles.

Neither of them suspects they’ll need to trust each other if they want to make it out this alive.

2:  Actions Speak Louder than Words by @isthatbloodonhisshirt - 435k - Explicit - The BEST and slowest burn there is - Spark Stiles/Mute Derek - Friends to Lovers

“I apologize.” The cop finally looked back up at his face, seeming thrilled. “It’s just—it’s been so long. And we finally have you.”

That was a bad word. Not found.

Have.

Stiles wrenched his hand free and took a step back, but before he could even think up a gameplan, he felt a prick in his neck and jerked away, reaching up to slap one hand against it and twisting in the same moment.

One of the others had come up behind him while he hadn’t been paying attention, and his vision began to swim even as his eyes caught sight of the half-empty syringe the guy was holding.

3: Radio Tower by @hyperlittlenori - 130k - Explicit - Dystopia - Hope - Slow Burn/Build 

Everything was different. The world he knew was gone. It’d been a long time since he’d started thinking he was probably one of the last humans on earth, that out there the only sentient beings were those that would devour him whole. He wasn’t sure why he continued with the radio broadcasts, continued to talk into nothingness. The only explanation was that there was a spark of hope in him yet that he wasn’t alone. The lonely safety Stiles has built around an old radio tower in the middle of nowhere is about to be broken. Stiles isn’t sure if Derek is a harbinger of chaos or hope at the end of the world. 

4:  The Hollow Moon by @thepsychicclam - 180k - Explicit - Fix-It - Memory Loss - Slow Burn/Build

It's the summer after Stiles' first year of college, and he's working a crappy job and dealing with nightmares and anxiety - but he's okay, he swears. He makes it through most days without too much trouble. Then, a certain werewolf comes back into town. Which Stiles doesn't care about, nope, not at all.

After two and a half years, Derek returns to Beacon Hills with his small Pack. Though he tried to move on, something just kept drawing him back to Beacon Hills, he's just not sure what. Now, he figures he can start building something like a life - but he keeps getting distracted by Stiles Stilinski of all people.

5 :  Amor Fati by @alocalband  - 43k - Explicit - Consent is sexy - First Time - Fluff & Angst

When Stiles gets thrown into the bank vault about twenty minutes after him, Derek isn’t even surprised.As it turns out, neither is Stiles.

6 :  (not so) Pure Imagination by theroguesgambit - 33k - Explicit - Shared fantasies - Angst with a happy ending - hotdamn! 

"There is a world where whenever someone fantasizes about you, you can physically feel it, but you have no idea who is thinking it about you."

Stiles knows it's wrong, but he's been Fantasizing about Derek and he can't bring himself to stop. Derek doesn't know who's taken an interest in him, but he's enjoying it way more than he probably should.

7: What I Did On My Summer Vacation by grimm - 119k - Explicit - Wolf!Derek - Slow Burn/Build - Friends to Lovers

There's something weird about Beacon Hills that Stiles can't quite put his finger on. The way everyone in town knows his name the day he arrives. The way they insist the melancholic howling that echoes through the forest every night is just a dog. The way his dad denies getting a dog, even though Stiles comes home to find one sprawled across his bed, some big black thing whose eyes gleam red in the right light. The way that massive oak tree out in the woods vibrates under his touch, pulsing with sickly life.

There's something weird going on in this town, and Stiles is determined to get to the bottom of it.

8:  Stand Fast in Your Enchantments by @devildoll - 77k - Explicit - Captivity - Feral!Derek - Angst with a happy ending

"Stiles knew damn well what a pissed-off wolf sounded like, and every hair on the back of his neck was telling him that somewhere in this room was a very pissed-off werewolf." An AU in which Derek is feral, Stiles is magical, and they eat a lot of fast food.

9 :  What Fresh Twilight Bullshit Is This? by @isthatbloodonhisshirt - 196k - Explicit - Soulmate - Slow Burn - Misunderstandings 

“I am not Bella!” he insisted, shaking his fist angrily at Jackson, as if he’d been the one to suggest he was. “I am not Bella! I am, like, a Jacob, at least!”

Lydia made a noise of debate from his right and he whipped around to look at her.

“What?! What was that sound?!”

“You’re more of a Mike,” she insisted, shrugging neatly and flipping some curls over her shoulder.

“Wha—” Stiles had never been so offended in his life! “I am not! No way! I am a solid Jacob!”

“Mike,” she argued.

“Who’s Mike?” Scott asked.

“Shut up, Scott!” Stiles insisted, pointing a finger at him but still glaring at Lydia.

10 :  taste your beating heart by @cinematicnomad​ - 112k - Mature - Pack Dynamics - Slow Burn/Build - Stilinski Family Feels

Something was wrong in Beacon Hills. Derek was halfway across the country when he felt a call to return to his hometown, and somehow Stiles had been talked into letting the werewolf stay in his guest bedroom. This could lead to nothing good.

11 :  between the click of the light and the start of the dream by @thepsychicclam 105k - Explicit - Pack Dynamics - Getting Togheter - Fluff & Angst

A twig snaps, and then Stiles hears breathing and the rustle of leaves. He strains to get a better glimpse into the darkness, but it’s pointless. There’s nothing but a black void.

It's Stiles' senior year, and he's trying to concentrate on normal things - like the lacrosse championship, spring break, prom, graduation (and definitely not Derek) - when he starts having nightmares and waking up in the middle of nowhere. Oh yeah, and he's being haunted by a hag. Great.

12:  And You Say You're Alone by taelynhawker - 30k - Explicit - Pack Dynamincs - Bad Friend Scott - Romance

Between the kanima, the Argents, and Peter's untimely return from the dead, everything has fallen apart. Stiles and Derek try to put their lives back together once the crisis has passed. Stiles deals with the aftermath of being tortured, and the distance growing between he and Scott. Derek attempts to become a stronger alpha and keep his pack safe, and that includes Stiles.

13:  Trust Fall by Stoney - 144k - Explicit - Body Swap - Hurt/Confort - Slow Burn/Build

Stiles is fairly certain that a case could be made for every bad thing in his life coming back to Peter Hale. This time it's pissing off a powerful witch, who retaliated by swapping Stiles and Derek a la Freaky Friday, because sure. That makes sense. Um, there are GPAs on the line, not to mention the whole thing where his dad wants to shoot Derek on sight. Except who he sees as Derek is actually Stiles, and Stiles did not sign up for filicide.

Great. Wait...does this mean he's the Alpha until they figure this out? Holy. Shit.

****

Derek had stood in front of the bathroom mirror for a few minutes trying to control the panic as he saw himself as Stiles. As the loud mouthed human friend of the pack. He was going to kill Peter. He was going to kill the witch, then he was going to kill Peter. Maybe even resurrect him again just to kill him all over.

They were going to have to play this cool. They would have to stay calm and focused. Which is of course why the universe threw him into this situation with someone who physically couldn't be calm and focused.

Of course.

14:  Gravity's Got Nothing on You by @zosofi - 84k - Explicit - Fake/Pretend Boyfriends - Humor - Romance

“Three weeks,” Derek says.

“Still don’t want to,” Stiles says.

“I’ll pay you,” Derek says, and that… that has Stiles interested. Alf’s Antique’s may be a great job, but it’s not a high-paying job, and half of Stiles’s tuition is coming from financial aid, so…

“How much,” Stiles asks, “are we talking here? Because I know your family, dude. And it’ll be kind of awkward after.“

“My family thinks you’re some sort of fucking gift to the world,” Derek seethes, like he’s jealous, “they’ll probably be pissed at me when we break it off, so don’t worry about that. Five hundred bucks.”

“A thousand,” Stiles says, because screw ethics. Also, the Hale family is loaded. Derek can deal.

15:  Every Step You Take by @nokomiss - 49k - Mature - Magic - UST - Secret Feelings

Stiles accidentally ends up magically bound to Derek. It’s super.

16:  Baking My Way Into Your Heart by theSilence - 179k - Mature - College AU/Coffee Shop AU - Slow Burn/Build - Friends to Lovers

Derek is an uptight college student, all work and no play. His carefully scheduled life is thrown kilter when his regular barista is replaced with someone new.

17:  Windows by @drgrlfriend - 83k - Explicit - Blind!Stiles - Friends to Lovers - Found Families 

Derek has a new neighbor who won't stop looking.

Excerpt:

“You’re blind,” Derek said flatly, the anger draining from him so suddenly he felt almost woozy. His vision cleared, his claws sliding back into blunt fingernails.

“Thanks for the memo, genius,” the kid said acidly. “I can still fucking defend myself, so don’t take another damn step.”

“Fuck, I...I’m sorry,” Derek stuttered.

“What?!” The kid’s brow crinkled. “I mean — what?! You’re fucking sorry!?” His lips thinned into a harsh line. “What, is this some kinda Hallmark movie where you’re discovering the error of your ways because you don’t want to rob a blind person?! That’s fucking condescending, man. I’ll have you know that —”

“Just, wait.” Derek interrupted what was apparently the start of a convincing argument as to why he should rob the kid after all, feeling his head start to spin. “This is — it’s a misunderstanding. I’m — I’m not robbing you. You’re — you’re safe, okay? I’m taking three steps back. Just — just let me explain.”

“Explain why you came busting into my apartment? Yeah, go right ahead, man, I can’t wait to hear this epic tale.”

18 :  Just to See You Again by MellytheHun (@loserchildhotpants​) - 15k - Explicit - Love Letters - Getting Together - College AU 

A sterek college!AU where writing student Stiles specializes in love letters, runs a blog about it and can be commissioned to write love letters on behalf of lovers who are at a loss for words.

He makes some cash, he’s good at what he does (especially when he gets to be a little more explicit in his letters), it pays for his textbooks and that’s all he’s really looking for and life is fine. That is, until someone anonymously commissions him to write a love letter to mathematics student, Derek Hale.

19:  Chasing Slumber by @hyperlittlenori - 21k - Explicit - Post-Nogitsune - Porn With Feelings - Fix it

Stiles finds solitude and a glimpse at recovering from his ordeal with the Nogitsune in a dingy motel far from Beacon Hills. Inhuman blue eyes follow his silent struggles in the darkness of the room and he can no longer pretend to sleep, pretend he hasn’t been profoundly changed by all that has happened. He can only let his fingers stretch out across threadbare but clean sheets and clench around them, in a failed attempt at not reaching for Derek.

20 :  the thread is ripping by @thepsychicclam - 36k - Explicit - Pinning - Angst with a happy ending - Flashbacks

Stiles is 27 now, with a master’s degree and a career and a house and a serious boyfriend and a life in San Francisco that doesn't include Derek. But then Stiles unexpectedly shows back up in Beacon Hills, and Derek would recognize that scent anywhere.

If you are interested, feel free to check out my Sterek Fic Recs Collections on A03.

On this lovely note, happy reading guys!

[rosemary-is-in-pesterquest]

Its sad and funny looking at past hs2 team stuff and seeing them be happy and hopeful about hs2, doing the whole "you're welcome" stuff and all that. And then you fast forward to now...

It's depressing especially how much hs2 was hyped, with even polygon I think making an article about it, and hs2 trending on Twitter. Now, people barely even remember it because of how slow the pacing is and what a big "fuck you" it is to fans. Hs2 is leisurely being discarded by the fanbase and will most likely be forgotten about like it was a fever dream once it ends. Kinda like pesterquest: everyone was raving about that for the few months it went on, but the moment Dirk's pq dropped and got finished, nobody even talks about pq anymore aside from salvaging the sprites (which are an absolute blessing btw).

Honestly, I don't even think the new kids won't stop being super niche. Once hs2 ends, there'll probably only be like a handful of people who remember them tbh. (As much as I love Harry, there's definitely no way that fucker is gonna be on the same popular ground as the og kids or even the midnight crew.)

I have a huge confession here though: in the beginning of hs2, when it was fresh and new, I actually did quite like it and wanted to keep track of where it was going. I genuinely did think hs2 had some great potential, and the design reveals of the characters was really fun. I was so fucking excited when Clown Logistics dropped on Christmas Eve and the candy kids were revealed. Even after the Rosebot and Terezi update, with that single fucking page with verbal vomit everywhere like a dyslexic person's nightmare, I still had hope that hs2 could be good and interesting. But then after awhile, the hs2 updates stopped being so fun and slow after candy Rose and Kanaya's designs dropped. That's when the writing quality shat itself and the writers started being annoying as fuck. Seeing those orange letters on my screen felt like a chore to read and everything started getting uncomfortable within the comic and the hs2 section of the fandom, and then Jane got turned into a child abuser because muh villain and the fandom started seeing however the characters were portrayed in hs2 as stone-set canon and ignored the fact hs2 was called "dubious".

Then I realized how dumb as fuck it was that the characters got restarted to how they were before the game started and how shitty the writing was and fetishistic hs2 was being, that somehow it beat og hs in that factor. I wouldn't even be surprised if someone mistakes hs2 as a fetish comic.

Equius' fetish introduction was disturbing yeah, but it was funny and didn't treat the fact Equius liked drinking his lusus' man milk as something incredibly serious. Yiffy's whole situation isn't supposed to be funny; her name is, yeah, but her character and origins are supposed to be 100% serious and not slapping my got damn knee like an old man funny. They treat Yiffy as a serious character and give her this whole angst background, completed with weird shots of her getting shocked and Pip's weird comment about a 15 year old. This is what makes Yiffy come off as a serious fetish character. I'm glad I hightailed the fuck out of the hs2 fanbase because I can't imagine having to wait each month for one update that's centered around Dave talking about what Karkat's asshole tastes like while meat Roxy morphs into a carbon copy of Dave and gets misgendered for the 10th time as candy Jade explains in thorough detail to Yiffy that she came from her dog cock that firstly belonged to Bec so that makes her Bec's kid as well.

Tl;dr: Fuck hs2 and its bullshit lore, stan rosemary and watch The Last American Virgin

[figonas]

Twilight Re-watch Notes Pt. 1 - A Contest for the Worst Movie Quote in History

I'd like to think I'm funny so please enjoy my scene-by-scene notes from a recent Twilight Saga re-watch.

Hey Catherine Hardwicke, opening with the death of an animal was probably not the best choice but go off I guess??

There is a lot of general Bella awkwardness that I'm skipping over here but the scene in gym class is so horrifically, painfully uncomfortable that I almost passed out from the second-hand embarrassment.

Jessica trying her best to be fake nice to the human embodiment of a crumpled soda can: "Aren't people from Arizona like....really tan"

Bella with all the cadence of a child who just found out Santa isn't real: "yeah..I guess that's why they kicked me out"

Mike clearly just trying to get his dick wet: "HAHAH you are funny"

no mike she is not.

I'm not gonna go into the biology class scene because god knows tumblr has beaten that particular horse to death. BUT the scene in the administration office immediately after that is a TRIP. Edward has one of his most dramatic lines here when they won't let him switch classes: “I’ll just have to endure it” ?!?!?!?!?!?! This is INSANITY, he sounds like he's going to burst into tears like Edward please chill you aren't even being a little subtle.

I will never get over Bella trying to put Ketchup on her burger and then just???? giving up???? when it doesn't come out after she limply shakes it approximately once.

“HOW YOU LIKIN DA RAIN GIRL” Is our first contender for the worst and most unnatural line in movie history, and trust me there are plenty more.

Bella accusatorily saying “you were gone” to Edward as if this dude who she met for approximately 30 minutes 2 weeks ago owes her even a PALTRTY SCRAP of an explanation about anything???????

Actually, this whole scene is a horrific nightmare of awkward intrusive conversation:

“You’re asking me about the weather” HOE WHAT ELSE ARE YOU GONNA TALK ABOUT YOU DON’T KNOW EACH OTHER

“hey did you get contacts” WHO JUST ASKS THAT?!?

and of course; “it’s the fluorescents” [RUNS AWAY]

Charlie and Bella have the only organic-sounding dialogue in the entire movie. Any awkwardness they have is BELIEVABLE father-daughter awkwardness and not like "I'm being forced to film this against my will" awkwardness like every other exchange in this film series.

Bella asks Edward ALL OF ONCE about him saving her from the truck and Edward gets so haughty and smug thinking that Bella won't figure it out

“you’re not gonna let this go are you?” “no” “then I hope you enjoy disappointment” [storms off] MY DUDE LITERALLY 2 SCENES LATER SHE FIGURES IT OUT IN 3 GOOGLE CLICKS

“I had an adrenaline rush, it’s very common you can google it” contender number two for the terrible dialogue award.

Edward saying “if you were smart you would stay away from me” AFTER HE APPROACHED HER LIKE FUCK OFF [skeleton throwing its own skull gif]

Kstew got a lot of flack for her performance in this movie but when she has a good partner to exchange lines with she SHINES. The scene with Angela and her at the beach where she tells her to ask Eric to prom is GOOD. EVERY scene with Charlie in THIS ENTIRE FRANCHISE is GOOD. It is nothing but pure misogyny that Rpatz didn’t catch any flack for his truly, horrifically awkward performance

I cannot believe Stephanie thought it would be a good idea to have Edward save Bella from potentially getting gang r*ped like I get it girl is about the drama but still this is just a TOOOUCH too far

“your hand is so cold,” WHO SAYS THIS TO SOMEONE THEY BARELY KNOW COMPLETELY UNPROMPTED???

SHE TRIES TO REFUSE CARRYING BEAR MACE WHEN SHE WAS ALMOST R*PED NOT 4 HOURS PREVIOUSLY LIKE SIS CARRY A KNIFE?!?!?!?!?

The “you’re impossibly fast & strong” monologue is so bad I want to barf

“I’ve killed people before” “doesn’t matter” BITCH YES IT DOES WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

“MY OWN PERSONAL BRAND OF HEROIN” IS SO BAD. Like we all recognize how bad this is right? Especially when one considered the target demographic for these films, i.e. teenage girls, have NO FUCKING FRAME OF REFERENCE FOR THIS WHAT.SO.EVER.

“And so the lion fell in love with the lamb” YOU’VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR ALL OF 3 SECONDS I CAN’T WITH Y'ALL. AT LEAST THE BOOK HAD SOME BUILD-UP JESUS GEEZUS

Who thought this meadow scene was a good idea, they need to be sent straight to hell. WHY ARE THEY LAYING DOWN LIKE, SIT MAYBE?????? IT’S SO WEIRD AND UNNATURAL THEY LOOK LIKE DOLLS I HATE IT

The scene where they get out of the car and Edward puts his arm around Bella while Spotlight by Mutemath plays in the background is TOP TIER teen drama bs and I love it. Far and away the best shot in the movie apart from The Baseball Scene(TM).

I will never get over the fact that Edward's bitch ass rats Bella out for already eating when she comes over to meet his family. BE FUCKING COOL EDWARD FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, GOD!!!

Esme is too pure for this world I can’t deal with her, & Emmet waving the knife is my favorite thing in all 5 of these movies

Why tf are Alice and Jasper fucking off doing god knows what in a tree and not helping with dinner like everyone else? Y'all ain't special even Rosalie is helping

Esme talking to Rosalie “Clean this up..now” I LOVE YOU BE MY MOM

Earlier they talk about the fact that vampires don’t sleep BUT the first thing Bella says when she walks into Edward's room is “no bed” girl we know what you after you ain't slick.....

WHAT IS THIS DANCING SCENE IN HIS BEDROOM IT’S HORRIBLE TO WATCH and I want to find whoever thought “well I could always make you” was a good line for Edward to say and slap them directly in the mouth.

“hold on tight spider monkey” excuse me while I VOMIT

Mike offering his opinion on Bella dating Edward HOWEVER justified is automatically invalidated by A. his own romantic interest in Bella and B. the fact that he has also know Bella for all of 10 minutes & has no bearing on her personal life whatsoever

THE PAST COUPLE OF MONTHS THIS MAN HAS BEEN COMING INTO HER ROOM AND WATCHING HER SLEEP THIS IS RED FLAG CITY LIKE BELLA WATCH A TRUE CRIME DOCUMENTARY OR READ THE NEWS FOR FUCKS SAKE

THIS FRANCHISE HAS THE MOST HORRIBLE KISSING SCENES IN MOVIE HISTORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN HEAR LITERALLY EVERY BREATH, EVERY AWKWARD PRESS OF LIPS. You're telling me THIS was the best take of this???? CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW AWKWARD THIS WAS TO FILM

The whole scene when Bella is telling her dad about her date with Edward is absolutely god tier. Charlie snapping the barrel of the shotgun closed, him motioning that he has a halo on, asking her if she still has her pepper spray. BILLY BURKE LIFTED THIS MOVIE UP AND TRIED SO HARD TO CARRY IT ON HIS BROAD, MUSTACHIOED DAD SHOULDERS, WE STAN

WHERE TO START WITH THE BASEBALL SCENE:

Supermassive Black Hole in the background, Alice going AWF with her pitching, Rosalie getting all pissed when Bella says she's out and Emmett yells "c'mon babe it's just a game" like the puppy dog of a person (vampire?) he is, CARLISLE WEARING A SCARF WHILE PLAYING BASEBALL, I WILL NEVER EMOTIONALLY RECOVER FROM JASPERS BAT TRICKS, EMMET AND EDWARDS LAUGH AFTER CRASHING INTO ONE ANOTHER.

A TRULY IMMACULATE MOVIE SCENE. This scene isn’t long enough

“My monkey man” might be the worst line in this movie, I’m so torn between which one is the worst. Also, I'm just now realizing that this is the second time someone has compared a loved one to some type of monkey and I really don't like it.

Bella's defeated “I can’t hurt him” breaks my heart every time. AND FUCKING BILLY BURKE pulling out his acting chops with Charlie’s poor little broken sounding “I know I’m not that much fun to be around we can do more stuff together” & “I just gotcha back” LIKE LITERALLY EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS SCENE HURTS ME ON A PHYSICAL LEVEL AND I AM ENTITLED TO FINANCIAL COMPENSATION

I know I've skipped over a lot but it's just a lot of like star wipe level montage of nonsense, so we are mOVING ON to what is possibly the biggest plot hole I've never recognized before now: How in the hell was James planning on luring Bella out if he didn’t find that videotape of Bella's mom looking for her????? Or was he just going to bust up in the holiday inn, metaphorical guns blazing & toss Bella out a window???

This fight scene between James & Edward is VERY poorly choreographed and you can practically see the stunt wires pulling on their clothes but no one is surprised..this is Twilight after all.

Who the fuck starts the fire in the ballet studio if Carlisle & Edward are with Bella, Jasper and Emmet are holding James's arms and Alice is ripping his head off???? Esme and Rosalie aren't there so the only explanation is that Emmett's power Stephanie never told us about is his ability to start small, controlled, indoor bonfires with his mind.

If Bella was losing blood from her femoral artery it is HIGHLY UNLIKELY that she would have been cognizant enough to tell them her hand was burning + THERE’S A BIG ASS BITE HOW DID THEY MISS IT???

Let Me Sign is such a good fucking song. Actually, while we're on music every song on every Twilight Saga soundtrack SLAPS. At least 1 department at Summit Entertainment was staffed with competent people. (side note, why the fuck do I know the studio by name that made this movie. I need to go lie down)

Bella acting a damn fool in the hospital bed like clingy much

CHARLIE IS SUCH A GOOD DAD FUCK!

The Edward/Jacob beef is so dramatic at prom can you both chill for 5 minutes we haven't even gotten to y'alls bullshit yet that's not until New Moon.

Bella really thought this mfer was gonna turn her at prom in the middle of the dancefloor??????????

Flightless Bird American Mouth. That's it, that's the bullet point

Victoria coming to prom, like we stan a dramatic bitch.

I will almost CERTAINLY post my New Moon (Extended Edition) notes in a few days. & yes I do have notes on the entire franchise.

[mainly-kpop]

Viagra Series

Jin

Word count: 1726

Warnings: smut obviously, not serious smut, pretty vanilla, little dirty talk, pill taking, I mean it. This sex is really not serious. It’s like established relationship normal ass piss take sex.

He had been laid up in bed with a chest infection, finally feeling better he requests his girlfriend to pass him the last two pills. That’s the last time he ever trusts anyone else with medication, and the last time he does a favour for a friend.

The thought of never having to be on this couch again thrilled him. The realisation that in the next two days, he would be back at work, rehearsing and laughing without coughing every 3 seconds. The chest infection had really taken a toll on him but he was so glad to finally be better. His alarm went off, signalling it was time to take tablets, the only problem being he would have to get up. For someone who hated this couch he had become rather accustomed to it. The indents becoming more and more comfortable the longer he lay there, the musky smell of the second hand couch becoming strangely comforting.

He switched the channel over, deciding if he was going to ignore the need to take his tablets, he should actually watch something mildly distracting.

A few hours later the door closed gently, the small sound of her heels clacking on the wooden floor waking him from his nap. She poked her head around the corner, making sure he was awake.

‘Hey babe! How you feeling?’ She spoke cheerily, despite the nightmare of a day she just lived through.

‘Feeling pretty good I guess, oh I forgot could you get me the pills off the table? Just pop them out and bring me two.’ She shrugged rolling her eyes, she popped the two tablets out handing them to him, along with a glass of water. She checked her watch frowning at the man before her.

‘Jin, you were supposed to take those at 4pm, it’s now 7pm.’ She scolded, he pouted, grabbing her hand and pulling her down to the couch with him. She cuddled into his chest, getting some much needed affection after such an insufferable day.

‘You seem tense baby, bad day at work?’ He rubbed her shoulder, providing her with a little comfort. A frown contorted her features. Drawing light circles into his chest she opened her mouth to reply.

‘Just work stacking up, people blaming things on me, the usual work place bullshit.’ She replied patting her hand gently against his chest she moved to stand.

‘I’m going for a shower, we can order food when I come out.’ He nodded, turning back to the TV after giving her a peck on her cheek. He lay there watching absentmindedly at the TV, he started to feel funny after about 20 minutes. Deciding to ignore it, he put it down to finally feeling better, well at least a little bit. His eyebrows furrowed feeling his pants tightening gradually. ‘What the…’ He muttered, genuinely confused. He wasn’t horny, well, he didn’t THINK he was. She came back through to the living room looking down at him. She took in his confused face, his boner, then his face again. Sighing she sat down at his feet.

‘Can we not tonight though? I’m so tired and I-‘

‘Babe what pills did you give me.’ He asked suddenly, cutting her off. She furrowed her eyebrows, his eyes popping out his skull. She couldn’t have, there’s no way.

‘The pills sitting on the counter, next to your keys. The blue ones.’ He sunk down into the couch, audibly grunting. She looked at him alarmed, what did she do wrong?

‘What? What is it?’ He rubbed the palm of his hands over his eyes, then ran his fingers through his hair. She placed a hand on his thigh, it was meant to be comforting but damn she was so close to his dick right now it was driving him mad.

‘Those aren’t antibiotics baby, that’s viagra.’ He mumbled, embarrassed. God this was the last time he did a favour, for anyone.

‘What the fuck, JIN WHY DO YOU HAVE VIAGRA?!’ She screamed, horrified and amused all at the same time. He sat up defensive, grabbing her face in his hands.

‘THEY’RE NOT MINE IT’S FOR NAMJOON, NOW ARE YOU GOING TO HELP ME WITH THIS OR NOT?!’ She looked down at his pants, debating whether or not to help. She shrugged, it was her fault to be fair.

‘Okay, I guess so, let’s go.’ She muttered standing up from the couch, he scoffed at her passiveness, following her to the bedroom anyways.

‘I guess she says. You act like your boyfriend isn’t the most handsome man in the immediate vicinity.’ She smirked, opening the bedroom door, dropping her dressing gown instantly.

‘Immediate? Meaning there’s someone more handsome than you?’ He scoffed, letting his hands trail over her naked body. Goosebumps following where his fingers trailed.

‘Baby, you know there isn’t, I was being modest.’ He spoke, cocky nature contrasting his “modesty”. She giggled, breaking the small amount of sexual tension he had built up.

‘Ya! You ruined it you deviant, we had some sexy tension going there. You broke it with your giggles.’ He whined, tickling her sides until she was running to the other side of the bed.

‘You fiend! Why must you tickle me!’ She spoke, moving as he did trying her best to stay away from him. He pounced onto the bed causing her to screech, she didn’t run in time. He wrapped his hands around her waist throwing her down on the bed, boobs bouncing at the impact. She giggled lightly, stroking a hand through his hair.

‘You’re so much fun Jinnie.’ She whispered lightly, placing a small kiss on the tip of his nose.

‘You’re not so bad yourself sweetheart. Now, are we gonna get down and do the dirty?’ He whispered, pulling her nipple between his fingers. She whined, the feeling something foreign almost. She felt bad, with her working so much, and him at practice and been unwell lately. Basically, they hadn’t done “the dirty”, as Jin so candidly put it, in a while.

‘Only you could do something sexual, while saying childish words.’ He giggled, letting his fingers slip to her clit, drawing light circles into it. Drawing moan after moan from her throat, whimper after whimper through her lips.

‘I can do worse, don’t challenge me buttercup!’ He spoke, a teasing grin on his lips.

‘I think that’s something you should prove.’ She composed herself enough to speak the sentence confidently. There was no such thing as serious sex with Jin. One time, their chests pushed together in such a weird way it made a fart noise. Throughout the whole of the sex he continued to try and make this noise, both of them laughing throughout their orgasms.

‘Challenge accepted tiny, let’s get to putting my thingy in your thingy then.’ She giggled as he stepped of the bed, shimmying out of his clothes. He climbed back on top, positioning himself so his head poked her entrance.

‘Can’t believe we are about to do this, how gross. What if I get cooties?!’ He whined, running his dick through her juices, getting it wet enough to just slip right in. She rolled her eyes, smacking his arm, laughing she tilted her hips up to meet him. A little groan slipped through his lips, a smirk gracing hers.

‘I’m sure we got cooties shots when we were like six right? It should be fineee!’ She played along, Jin nodded in affirmation, slipping himself in easily. She let out a lewd groan, burying his face in her neck he chuckled.

‘That was a dirty noise!’ He whispered, voice sounding shocked as ever. She didn’t have to see him to know he was pulling a stupid face. Letting another one slip passed her lips, clenching her walls around him. He hissed in her ear, hips stuttering slightly.

‘Don’t do that, I can’t keep doing this childish talk when you clench like that.’ He moaned, game dropped for a moment. She apologised, telling him to continue while tilting her hips to meet his. Thrusts quick and sloppy, sweat building on their skin.

‘Can I try the fart thing again?’ He asked, eyes popping out his head in excitement, she giggled, but scolded him anyways.

‘You keep the child words, or you can do the chest fart. Not both.’ He contemplated for a second, hips coming to a stop. Pushing his chest onto hers she could tell what he picked. With each thrust his chest pushed on hers, air squeezing between their bodies making the noise he was so delighted with. Then he flipped the game, the filth pouring out his mouth something she didn’t recognise. Sex with Jin was vanilla to give it a name, not that she minded, it was still incredible. She much preferred sweet intimate moments, having him giggling and having fun. Clumsy sex, anything not serious. She couldn’t stand those porn films, the ones with the girls tied up and them whimpering “daddy, oh daddy fuck me harder”. It was something that made her cringe, she couldn’t believe it. However, the filth falling from him while he makes fart noises with their chests. That right there, was confusing the shit out of her.

‘God baby, you feel so good around me. Feels so good when you meet my thrusts. Yes baby, work for it. Fuck, you’re so hot.’ The words making her whimper, walls tightening on instinct. He could feel that she was close, his hips falling in an uneasy rhythm, he was close too.

‘You like it when I talk like this baby? Mmm I can feel you’re close, let go baby. Cum hard around me, fuck I wanna feel it so bad.’ She whimpered, a small scream passing her open mouth. Walls clenching as she came, forcing his quicker than he expected.

‘I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU!’ She screamed, slapping his arm as they both came down. He laughed, slipping himself out and grabbing his t-shirt to clean her up. It was going in the wash anyway who cares.

‘I’m not quite sure I know what you mean princess!’ He spluttered, trying to act calm and collected.

‘I cannot believe, you whispered that SIN in my ear while making fart noises with our chests.’ He let out a loud, very loud, laugh. Her laugh following closely behind until they were play fighting on the bed.

‘OKAY OKAY!’ He screamed, calling it quits. ‘But did you enjoy it though?’ He asked, making sure he hadn’t done something she wasn’t happy with.

‘Yeah, I guess it was okay.’ She replied, fully downplaying how much she really enjoyed it.

[alittleshocking]

Phillip and Shock are Disgusted and Frankly Appalled by the Miracle of Pregnancy (*) [Tell Tale Heart]

In which the title explains it all...[takes place idk some time]

@knightley--phillip

[tw -- frank discussion of abortion]

SHOCK: “So, I’m pregnant,” Shock said to Phillip as she lay in his bed, the blanket tossed artfully over her lower body. She slid her heel up the mattress, so her knee was bent, the black sheet pooling over her abdomen. She let out a huff.

Yes, Shock was pregnant, because she let men inside her body however she wanted. Usually, she was rather good about it in terms of the pull out or what not, but she had always played fast and loose. She had assumed God or whoever the fuck owed her majorly for giving her fucking cancer as a kid. Maybe she had used up all her “poor little cancer girl” tokens in the slot machine, gambling away for more time consequence free. 

Maybe it was just shitty luck. One too many times letting some dumbass come inside her.

Honestly, she didn’t even know if it was Phil’s. He was her best guess, considering he was a frequent customer, but there would be no telling without a DNA test and if Shock had anything to say about it--that wouldn’t be necessary at the end of the day.

Shock lit a cigarette, even though she knew Phil’s tight-ass roommate hated her smoking in the house. Maybe she should’ve announced this at family dinner. That would’ve been hilarious. John would’ve popped a blood vessel. Tom would’ve asked to be godfather or some shit. Of course, in this scenario, Shock convinced them all she was keeping it. Which--

“Don’t freak out, I’m not keeping it.” The cigarette wagged between her teeth as she spoke and then she took a drag, plucking it from her lips and letting the smoke drift into the air. 

PHILLIP: “Oh thank fucking God.”

He let out a breath. He’d been totally and utterly frozen the moment she’d said what she’d said, sitting up so his back was against the headboard. He’d been about to suggest they grab a drink after she lit her cigarette and then she’d spoken and Phil couldn’t hear much else.

Here was a thing Phillip Knightley knew: even the best birth control was only 99.9% effective or something. He couldn’t beat those odds.

Here was another thing: Phillip had been...how shall we say...particularly careless when it came to fucking Shock. He wasn’t normally, mind you. He was normally very careful about rubbers and all that sort of stuff, because if there was one fear Phillip had, it was some woman knocking on his door heavily pregnant and demanding he pay for a child he did not want. That’d make his father quite happy.

Not that Phil didn’t want kids eventually. Maybe. He knew he was supposed to want them — or at least supposed to want to breed like a rabbit and produce strong Order sons. 

But a kid running around from some non-approved woman was a fucking nightmare — and it’d ruin his status. Not that Order members didn’t on occasion keep side mistresses or slip up, but Phil couldn’t do that to the Knightley name. He’d already fucked up once. 

“Not that I won’t help you remove it,” said Phillip, smiling now, because that’s what he did when things got weird. “But how the hell do you even know it’s mine?” He nudged her with his leg. “Not exactly like we’ve ever been exclusive.” 

SHOCK: Shock snorted at his emphatic response. She’d wanted to elicit a similar sort of reaction from him, just because she’d find it funny. And she needed funny right now.

No, Shock was not having some moral quandary over yeeting a fetus out of her uterus. She was having a monetary quandary. Since she wasn’t a citizen, she was going to have to pay out the ass for an abortion. And there was no other option. Either Shock was gonna have to prostitute herself out for a few months to gather the near 500 pounds she was gonna need (maybe more including a place to stay for the recovery after the operation) or she was gonna get it from Phil.

She knew he could afford it, which is why she had targeted him for this particular favor. Well, he was also the closest thing she had to a friend in town. They actually spent time together not having sex or doing drugs sometimes, which equaled friendship in Shock’s eyes. Which meant there was an emotional connection here she could play on too--garner his sympathy. 

She rolled her eyes. “You’re fucking me a lot more tan anyone else. Didn’t that big fancy university you went to teach you statistics?” she scoffed at him. 

PHILLIP: “You overestimate my ability to pay attention in school and do math,” fired Phil right back. 

He was quiet then, thinking about the weight of it all. He couldn’t help it. Stewing on things was part of his nature, trying to find some sort of meaning to it all. Logically he knew this would get taken care of very easily. Phil had money. He knew Shock probably came to him because she knew that he had money. He knew that he wouldn’t have said no. She didn’t need to convince him. It was something he’d do for a friend. 

The corner of his mouth tugged up. He didn’t know if he’d consider Shock a friend — just someone he was fucking. But it was more than that, wasn’t it? It wasn’t romantic, nah. Phil knew what love felt like, this big, gnawing, pulsating thing that clawed in his chest and suffocated him. He didn’t feel like that with Shock. He looked at her and he felt — he felt like high-fiving her. 

“Wow, fuck. We made a thing.” He laughed, poking Shock’s lower stomach. “There is a thing in there. That’s mental. That’s fucked. That’s straight up horror movie shit, I don’t know how women do it. Something just bloody grows inside of you for nine months all because a bloke didn’t pull out fast enough.”

He shivered a little and then for good measure, slapped a hand on Shock’s thigh.

“Alright, when do you wanna extract this thing? How does this work? Do you call ahead? Make a reservation? Just show up? I’ve no idea. Maybe I should.” He tilted his head. “For the future.”

SHOCK: Shock actually smacked his hand away. She didn’t feel like high-fiving. She felt like breaking his damn fingers, one by one. Or kneeing him in the groin. She didn’t think it was mental. It was horror movie shit. She had done a lot to keep this body: chemo and radiation mainly, though malnutrition definitely played its part. Part of her body had never really recovered from any of that. And she liked it that way. The idea of getting fat was a fucking nightmare. Especially if it wasn’t because she’d gorged herself on delicacies and sweets because she could.

It was disgusting and awful and she wanted it gone. The thought of thinking of something unauthorized growing inside of her made her feel violated. Her room was not for rent, get the fuck out squatter.

“I’ve got to make an appointment and go through some bullshit pre-screening process, probably to get convinced out of it. Don’t worry, that’s not going to happen. I’d rather die. And as soon as fucking possible. We have to go up closer to London, because there is no doctor out here in the boonies that’ll do it. Also, it’s gonna cost you 500 quid or whatever the fuck you say. And that’s just the operation. Apparently I’m gonna need to be there 48 hours before. So, add hotel on top of that. And I want the fancy shit, as mother of your bastard, I deserve the best.”

She flicked some of her blonde hair into his face. “I know you can afford it, so pony up. Oh, also, if you’re using a credit card, you’ve got to come with me.” 

PHILLIP: “Yeah, yeah.” Phil waved a hand at the mention of a hotel. He knew a place in London that was nice, but tucked out of the way, the sort of place that rich executives — and rich Order Princes — took their mistresses.

“Don’t worry, nothing but the best for my baby mama.” He reached on the side table for his phone, typed in the name of the hotel and then pulled up the website that listed all the amenities — spa, pool, lounge, gym, all that jazz — and tossed it to Shock. It was an expensive hotel, the type with a big flashy chandelier in the lobby, and if Phil didn’t already scream money, he sure as hell did now. The Knightleys were old money, basically gentry, which Shock, an American might not realize, but Phil knew she knew he knew that she knew that he was loaded. He wasn't gonna skimp out now. 

“That good enough for you? Might as well make a mini-vacation out of this whole thing.” He sighed, leaning back on the headboard. “Vacabortion. Aborcation? Something like that. Is that crass? That’s absolutely crass. Good thing we’re on the same page here.”

SHOCK: Holy shit, this was working?

For all the shit that Shock talked, she didn’t actually know if it was going to and there was a part of her that she’d never admit to, if you pried back all the rest, that was terrified. She didn’t want to go to some shady backdoor doctor, she didn’t want to turn tricks in order to afford the abortion and probably end up with some disgusting STI in exchange. Her options, outside of Phil, were unappealing and dangerous. As much as Shock liked to risk her life, it was always on her terms.

Not to mention: Shock hated hospitals and anything medical. She barely took Advil, if she could help it. Now, she was going to have to have surgery. Be strapped, helpless, to a table and dissected.

This fear lurked like a shadow against the wall, in the peripheral of Shock’s vision. Just faint enough that Shock could ignore it. 

She hadn’t panicked. She’d gotten to work.

There was this burn in her chest when Phil handed her the phone. Something that was as thick and cloying as perfume: gratitude. Shock would rather choke on it. 

Good thing Phil handed her his phone. She took it with eager hands and, despite her composure throughout this conversation, her eyes bulged wide at the sight of glittering chandeliers and a pool bigger than any she’d ever seen.

“Holy shit, that bathtub is a-maz-ing! That’ll be so great to soak in after they’ve ripped my uterus out through my vagina.” 

Shock wasn’t going to say thank you. Even if the words were on the tip of her tongue. Instead, she leaned back against the cushions and clicked the “book room” button--

“So, when are we going? You don’t have school yet, right? And if Gaston doesn’t let me off, I’ll just start a smear campaign about him.” 

PHILLIP: “I’m literally always free,” said Phil, which was somewhat of a lie. He’d have to make up a reason to tell John and Tom why he was going out of town with Shock. Maybe the reason was just as simple as he was going out of town with Shock to the Belleview — which both of them would recognize immediately — and Tom would make a big deal about it and John would roll his eyes, but Phillip could deal with that. 

He did not want a child. Not right now at least. Maybe one day. In the future. In the far future. Hopefully. Phillip hoped that one day he’d wake up and the future that was laid out for him — marry a nice well-bred Order girl, breed like a rabbit and have an army of children — would be something he realized he’d been looking for. All this youthful ennui and restlessness was just an adolescent phase. Phillip Knightley was just a bit too late in growing out, of course! He wanted to want it, wanted to duck his head down and make his parents happy, please his brothers, stay by John and Tom’s side for the rest of his days. 

He glanced back at Shock, the thoughts too heavy for even him to infuse levity in, pushing them out of mind as he browsed more of the Belleview’s amenities. 

“Next weekend? Or is during the week better for you? What would please the boss man? Like I said — and like you know — I am very flexible.” 

SHOCK: The relief was like a shock (ha) to the system with how immediate and all-encompassing it was. She hadn’t even realized how stiff she’d been until her body finally caught up and realized: damn, girl, you actually got us out of a shitty situation for once. She felt herself relax into the fluffy mattress of Phil’s bed, her body aching slightly. 

“During the week probably. Definitely can’t take off Friday/Saturday. Could leave Sunday and get back..Tuesday? Do you think there is a long recovery time for getting your uterus lining ripped out of your vagina? I mean...usually that shit takes a week, I can’t imagine it all done at once.” She gave a shudder before perking back up. “Hey, you think they’re gonna give me pain killers? Like--the good shit?”

She laughed. Awesome, if she got those, she could turn around and sell them maybe. Give Phil back at least some of the money. As much as she enjoyed having money and attention lavished on her, she didn’t like the idea of being a charity case.

“Thanks, though. Guess I owe you a really good blow job or something.”

[kenetijame-blog]

Jealousy Game (Part 2)

The One Where Archie is More Than Mad

Summary: Rumors of you and Reggie dating are bouncing off Riverdale High’s walls and Archie suddenly finds Reggie’s neck the perfect neck to snap.

Warning/s: angry and sad archie, swearing

A/N: HI THIS IS HORRIBLY LATE I AM SO SORRY

JEALOUSY GAME MASTERLIST

When Archie arrived at school, whispers of your name paired up with Reggie’s could be heard bouncing off the school walls. Then he hears another student saying ‘they’re dating’. 

Archie feels like his nightmares have suddenly come true. 

He has been crushing on you since you showed up in Riverdale when you were both 8. Reggie knew he was putty in your hands and that you’re exclusively his. The whole football team probably knows it, too. He either started dating you to aggravate him or he actually does like you the way he does. 

Reggie suddenly looked like he has the perfect neck Archie wanted to snap.

But it can’t be true. You couldn’t be in love with Reggie. You even said to him that you’d have to eat deodorant before you’d have to date someone like him. If that’s the case, then what are these rumors going around the campus mean?

Archie spots a familiar blonde by her locker and he sprints up to her. “Betty,” he calls to her, making her turn around. Betty looks like she has been panicking when she saw him. “Archie, you’re not gonna believe this.” she says, grabbing onto his bicep and dragging him to another hallway.

“Betty, what’s going on...?” Archie trails off and feels his heart drop to the floor when he sees you resting your back against your locker with Reggie in front of you, playfully trapping you. You’re both giggling and whispering sweet, stupid things to each other. 

Archie has never felt this heartbroken before.

You suddenly turn your head to them, and you smile that oh-so beautiful smile of yours as you interlock your hand to Reggie’s. 

“Oh, hi Archie! Hi, Betty!” you greet them sweetly, your voice sounding and feeling like smooth caramel. “Hi, Y/N.” Betty greets and waves at you and your new boyfriend, subtly bumping Archie on the shoulder to not be rude. 

“Hi...” Archie says and weakly waves, failing to sound optimistic about the whole situation. You walk towards them with Reggie following beside you. “So, I know that it’s sort of like a total surprise to all of you, but...” You excitedly look up at Reggie, smiling so wide that Archie thinks your face might break. “Reggie and I are an official couple.” 

Betty is first to react, faking everything from her gestures to her expressions.

“You guys are so out of the blue! I never see you talk to each other at school.” she compliments enthusiastically. “That’s because I get real nervous around her. The first time I ever talked to her, I got so scared that I might say something weird. I only wanted to borrow a pencil.” Reggie jokes. You laugh, Betty joining in with you.

Bullshit, Archie thought, weakly laughing along.

The bell then rings, signalling the first period is about to begin. You suddenly tick your tongue, like you’re annoyed. You look at Reggie with the cutest damn pout as you grab onto his hand and place it on your cheek. Archie feels the natural urge to start puking. 

“Don’t worry, baby. We’ll see each other in third period and at lunch.” Reggie reassures you as he strokes his thumb on your soft cheek. Archie has to restrain himself from slapping his hand off of your face. You reluctantly let go of him as he kisses you on the forehead, not once ever removing your pout off your face as you watched him go to his first period. Sighing dreamily, you hastily position your folders properly onto your arms.  

“School’s starting to get hectic. Especially when you’re in a relationship.” You share a laugh with Betty. You bid your goodbye to Betty and then to Archie, to which you only gave him a close-lipped smile. 

Archie has never been so uneasy when he walked in his first period.

Archie is with his friends outside, sitting on their usual lunch table. He’s stabbing on his salad with his fork a little too harshly. Jughead notices this and looks up from his book, staring at Archie with his eyebrows knitted together. 

“Archie, what are you doing?” he asks, concerned and annoyed. Betty and Veronica look up from their phones and at Jughead and Archie.

Archie looks up, feigning confusion. “What?”

“You’re stabbing on your salad. Like literally murdering it at this point.” Jughead deadpans.

Betty perks up. “He’s mad because Reggie and Y/N are now dating.”

“I’m not mad. I’m happy for her.” Archie corrects her, sounding a little aggressive. Veronica smirks. “Well, if you actually did something about your feelings for her, you wouldn’t be this mad.” she quipped. 

“I’m not mad.” Archie growls out the last word and throws his fork into his salad’s container, only telling his friends that he was actually mad.

The other three give him knowing looks.

He sighs heavily.

“Speak of the devil.” Veronica cuts him off, looking at something behind Archie. 

 Archie turns his head back and everything felt like it was in slow motion.

You’re walking down the green field with Reggie, holding each other’s hands, with your fingers interlocked and all. You’re smiling that beautiful smile up at Reggie while he’s talking about something that you’re probably not interested in. He wraps his arm around your waist, pulling you closer to him. You’re starting to blush at his gesture.

Archie could only grit his teeth while he watches the both of you just being so happy. He turns back around to his friends, locking his jaw and grinding his teeth together to avoid screaming out.

“Yeah, he’s mad.” Veronica says.

[ringomom]

I’ve never done this before holy shit anyway here’s??? Reiji and Tokiya being depression friends who love each other very much. Reingo.

Think of it as uh, extended headcanon rambling,,, iim not a fiction writer lmao

Tokiya kind of hates to see Reiji and Ringo interacting. It’s just… too much at once, like staring into two suns at the same time. Like two cars about to collide but they’re going to somehow keep colliding infinitely until reality unspools and it turns into a sort of Dali-esque nightmare.

A little dramatic maybe.

“Oh Rei-chan!!~” echoes down the hall.

Tokiya shifts his back to press hard against his headboard. As if moving physically away from the sound will get it to stop.

Actually, maybe it’s more like seeing your parents kissing when you were a kid. Intrusively intimate. Tokiya is embarrassed by the thought, comparing the couple to parental figures… But he shoves that to the back of his mind to unpack at a later date because despite the warning signs of Reiji’s distant screams he’s still surprised when his senior blasts through the door with all the grace of a duck landing.

Reiji looks ragged, and he’s panting as he shoves the door closed and leans against it.

“You know you can’t hide in here.” Tokiya says from between the covers of the book he’s reading, not bothering to spare him a second glance.

“Tokkiiiiiiii” Reiji whines, slinking towards him “You’re so mean. You’re really gonna turn your old man out like this?” Dragging his feet along the carpet in a way that makes Tokiya cringe, Reiji sloppily drops to his knees at the foot of the bed, and fixes the younger with his best, most annoying pout.

Tokiya’s still reeling about ‘your old man’. Really where is this coming from.

“Tokkiiii…”

“You’re not-“ Tokiya pauses despite himself. “Get up you look ridiculous.”

Before he can open his mouth again to protest, he’s thrown off balance by a shift in the mattress, barely having the chance to steady himself. His book thunks as it hits the floor. He glares at the boy now laying on his belly at the end of the bed. He’s trying to look angry but Reiji chooses that moment to pinch one of his toes through his sock, and makes a little “beep” sound and Tokiya can’t help the warm chuckle low in his throat.

For a moment they stay like that, Reiji humming some tune as he absently fiddles with Tokiya’s toes. Tokiya studies him, he’s still a little flushed from his dramatic entrance, his hair not quite the perfect picture it usually is. Reiji’s quiet, relatively, which is weird in itself though not unheard of. It’s not like he can be at 100% all the time and they lived together long enough. Tokiya makes a point of watching out for quiet moods, it’s something he recognises in himself, the cold distant feeling of cutting yourself off. They’ve all had bad days, sad days. Even human sunshine Otoya has his moments. Reiji has a lot of them.

Looking at Reiji’s distant expression as he sings to himself, makes Tokiya wonder if he doesn’t seek him out on purpose. They’ve spent hours like this before, in intimate silence, neither having the energy to explain themselves, but the company being enough.

Tokiya hums, they’re similar in some ways.

“What did you do?” Tokiya asks softly, gently moving to sit cross-legged.

Reiji puts on looking hurt. “Why do you assume I did something huh? Tokki, you’re mean.”

A classic Reiji deflection.

“Because you’re hiding. Sit up.”

“Why tokki? So you can gaze into my eyes easier?” Reiji taunts but he lazily does as he’s told.

Tokiya rolls his eyes. “Right, so I can see your bullshit better.” He takes the soft punch the other lands on his arm.

“Language!!”

“Reiji…”

A soft sigh passes Reiji’s lips as he refuses to meet Tokiya’s eyes. He raises his hands in defeat, his head still hung low. “Alright, alright. It’s nothing. He just?…” 

Reiji makes a loud frustrated noise and flops back on the bed, kicking his legs out, passing either side of Tokiya’s head. Had he been that few inches taller his reckless kicking would have put another hole in their wall but Tokiya manages to rise above the dig. “Ringo’s perfect. He’s perfect in every way, confident, smart, kind. Baroque beautiful. Everything. And I’m…”

Reiji gestures vaguely at his whole body.

“Ah, you told Tsukimiya he’s too good for you and now he’s angry.” Tokiya summarises. Maybe they’re similar in more ways than he cares to admit. Though he’s oddly touched that his senior would come to him with his insecurity, it’s not like Tokiya’s any better with this.

“I-“ Reiji struggles with his thoughts silently for a moment and Tokiya’s fingers dance their way up Reiji’s calf, lazily drawing circles against his knee. Reiji sighs; “Yeah.”

“Hm.” Tokiya hums. “It’s not fair of you.”

Reiji goes almost completely still. “I know”

“No- Reiji look at me.” His back hits the headboard again, like he can move physically away from his own stupid, stupid words hanging in the air, knives waiting to fall.

Reiji doesn’t move.

Huffing a little, Tokiya reaches forward and pulls his senior up into a sitting position. Hands clap Reiji’s cheeks and the slight impact forces him to look at Tokiya in shock. Tokiya doesn’t let go.

“Reiji, you don’t get to decide how Tsukimiya feels. He loves you. That’s not up to you, no matter how foolish you think it is. You don’t get to choose. Understand?” He can hear how serious he sounds and maybe that’s not how he should be talking about ~feelings~ but he IS serious. He gets that Reiji is self-conscious, but. Reiji is amazing in his own right.

The smile that’s creeps on to Reiji’s face is enough to make anyone fall in love with him. It’s a rare one. Genuine. Unfiltered through personas or self-loathing. Tokiya really loves Reiji.

A jolt runs through Tokiya’s spine and his hands slap to his sides when he hears a faint sob outside the door. Quickly pushing Reiji off the bed with an undignified squawk, he’s pressing hard against the headboard now.

Reiji, to his credit, doesn’t react at all poorly to being practically launched across the room. He simply props his chin up on the bed and chuckles.

“Shut up Kotobuki.”

Reiji grins his goofy horrible grin at him. “Come in Ringo.” He hollers past Tokiya’s legs. He really is perceptive.

Ringo flies into the room the way only Ringo can, like he’s the fawning protagonist of some shojo manga, Tokiya feels like he can see rose petals whenever he looks at Ringo. Right now he even has those big fat tears gathering in his eyes.

Before Tokiya can think otherwise the question is slipping out of his mouth, “how long were you out there?”

Ringo’s tears seem to dry up immediately, still he dabs at them with a lacy handkerchief. “Well it was hard to focus after you said I was more handsome than any painting in the world, and twice as brilliant…”

Reiji remarks that he doesn’t remember saying that but Ringo continues.

“But the main thing is that you two are so damn cute!!!” He smiles warmly. “And Reiji don’t think you’re off the hook, I want a 1,000 word essay on how wonderful you are on my desk tomorrow morning, young man.”

Reiji beams. “Yes sir.” He salutes.

Yeah, the two of them are entirely too much for Tokiya.

[tactickle]

Hi there! Got any kiribaku headcanons for bnha?

i’m very weak for kiribaku… you got me.. they got this super slow burn friendship going on like holy fuck is it killing me. let them be stupid in love. kirishima is my muffin okay and bakugou is such a cutie pie too but in a more fussy puff your cheeks out way (i mean lowkey a demon but he’s so.. cute. he’s shorty chub face over there like calm down creampuff).

so.. They dating. it’s a weird relationship without a legit label but they’re romantic in their own ways. kirishima is very good at expressing affection. he initiates everything cause bakugou deems it weak to indulge in any cute activities. unless kirishima starts it and now he can call it a contest.

kirishima likes physical contact quite a bit for starters. the first sight of any tickles started up when kirishima thought it’d be funny to just blow a raspberry to bakugou’s cheek while he was just chilling. and he was greeted with a smack and a scream like “GET OFF ME” which kirishima giggled at and was like alright alright omg sorry bud! didn’t mean to scare you!

but it leaves off cold for a bit. until one day kirishima offers bakugou a massage. he’s talking about how baku needs it and it’d feel great he promises. baku’s all, sure whatever i don’t care. cause! tickling doesn’t even cross his mind at all like he doesn’t even wonder.

so, they get in bakugou’s room when they have any days off and kirishima is proud of his massage skills and ready to get to work ((also lowkey baku’s mom is like…. ya made a friend. How tho)) but yeah! they’re alone and it takes baku a year to agree to lay down on his stomach on the bed and be vulnerable and let kirishima work on his back. just cause they’ve had a couple kissy sessions doesn’t mean it isn’t awkward as hell still.

btw they’ll have weird romantic confession moments like real late at night for some reason aka bakugou yelling out and swearing while kirishima is more timid and is trying to declare his love passionately but can’t quite do it right.

but back to it. kirishima is real good and bakugou can’t deny it. he’s good at working bakugou’s shoulders into mush, so much so that he’s beginning to drift in and out of a nice nap. and while dealing with all the knots baku has, he can be rough with kneading. so far so good, until kirishima decides the next area to massage at is bakugou’s lower back. he’s like oh he’s not as tense here so i’ll ease up the pressure. and the massaging suddenly feels a lot more like ticklish prodding.

like fucking magic, bakugou shakes out of his nap and starts struggling and yelling wildly like HEY HEY SHITHEAD LET GO in that way that he does. and kirishima being a sweetheart is like augh fuck sorry did that hurt? here hold on how about this? and he tries rubbing small circles down his lower back instead and bakugou makes a bunch of odd choking noises and twists and throws kirishima off of him and onto the bed to his side.

now cue all the “what the fuck did you think you were doing” type statements. and kirishima is dumbfounded. he doesn’t know what he did. but he realizes it when he looks up to see bakugou’s disheveled hair and red cheeks and he starts recalling all the weird noises he was making and the way he was squirming like a kid. he just rubs the back of his head goes “ohhhhhhh. hey, sorry was i tickling you? didn’t mean to, man!”

and the quickest response of “no you weren’t, and i’m not” comes right out of baku’s mouth. and kirishima’s thinking to himself like uh.. i didn’t ask if he was ticklish so what’s with the defensive ‘i’m not’ comment?? so now he has 2 options. to drop the convo or unintentionally tease bakugou by trying to communicate. and he goes with the second one.

kirishima has both of his hands up to let baku know he doesn’t mean anything and goes “no need to be embarrassed, like, everyone is ticklish. i am too.. my underarms are off limits i understand don’t worry" and baku’s all “… i didn’t ask and i SAID I’M NOT get it through your thick skull asshole” and this is the exact personality kirishima dated him for, he thinks it’s cute so he’s like “alright alright whateverrr just lay back down” and bakugou REFUSES

and cue the “oh why, are you afraid i’m gonna tickle you???” and bakugou is so bullshit right now he’s like “I’LL KILL YOU” and it doesn’t end up in a tickle fight yet it’s more of a bakugou is just consistently slapping laughing kirishima. plus kirishima doesn’t even end up starting it, like a week later baku does. they’re wicked slow burn chic.

so.. when the tickle fight first starts, it’s cause kirishima has a nightmare while he’s sleeping in baku’s room. he wakes up super upset and he’s all insecure. when he shoots out of bed he’s already crying and it ends up waking bakugou up. at first he’s like “what the HELL it is 1AM lay back down STUPID” and kirishima turns around like HHHAAHA it’s nothing but he’s sniffling super hard and bakugou swallows his pride for his fuckin bf for once to try and cheer him up, or do anything really.

and he’s like uhh uh oh shit what do i do and he’s running through all the things kiri does for him when he’s out of whack. and he thinks of something. more than he’d like to admit, the cheek raspberries kiri always does are kinda… well.. fun. so bakugou grabs kiri by the shoulder and pecks his cheek. and then after a couple of seconds he blows a huge raspberry.

and kirishima makes the most pleased sounding screech. he’s giggling like W-WHAT OH MY GOD?? in just total awe. and tears are streaming down his face from before still. and bakugou is like aight it keeps making him smile just a couple more blows. but like, he’s having fun. and the next thing he knows he thinks back to their earlier convo where kirishima mentioned his underarms. so he stops the kisses and hooks his fingers under kirishima’s arms and squeezes a bunch of times.

now, kirishima was gonna try and tickle bakugou at one point but never in his life did he think bakugou would stoop this low. he’s like “aaAAH you’re cheating!!” and he’s still recovering from crying and kind of snorting. he falls back and basically crushes baku but he doesn’t care like as long as kirishima isn’t crying anymore. and ngl he really is enjoying this stupid play fight. he’s all smug and proud of himself as kirishima rolls around trying to get baku’s fingers out of his armpits and he’s like “bakugouUUUUU!!!!!! MERCY” and dying.

bakugou does finally stop and kirishima is still laying on baku’s lap and panting like a dog. but he has a big smile on his face. and bakugou goes “–alright. now shut up will you” and plops back down thinking it’s OVER.

when kirishima finally recovers he snuggles up closer than ever and gives bakugou his fav type of kisses, the ones that are like just little pecks on the corners of his mouth. and we all know… that kirishima is a sweet boy so of course he’s like “AAA thank you for all the love i love you so much you’re so good to me” and bakugou is like “!! FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE SLEEP ALREADY”

and kirishima just laughs and is like “god i can’t believe you TICKLED me, you’re going soft dude i thought you were gonna blow me up instead” and after he finishes his sentence he scratches at bakugou’s tummy a couple times to punctuate. kirishima isn’t necessarily trying to start shit he’s kinda like that dude who tasers his friends for fun y’know. and baku yelps and immediately grabs kirishima’s wrist and grips it SO HARD.

he’s like “STOP” but kirishima is like “aw come on you started it” and bakugou hates to admit it but he’s super weak to affection so he feels like mush but he’s so determined not to lose his attitude. but he’s not doing so well. he’s turning into a lovesick teenager. 

and all of a sudden bakugou’s having flashbacks to all the times his mom used to tickle the hell outta him for being too much of a brat. and how he… never really did so hot with tickles. he is SO fucked rn. cause now kirishima is using a syrupy voice like “what’s the matter?” like OVERLY syrupy like he’s talking to a grumpy kid (well i mean) and bakugou is like, 100% tryna get out of those blankets.

luckily for bakugou he has both of kirishima’s wrists in both his hands, so it’s kinda like a deadlock moment. but, kirishima has this moment of bravery and even though they’re still super awkward with romance he goes in for some neck kisses. but not firm ones…… the dastardly soft ticklish kisses. cause kiri is so desperate to make bakugou laugh. and it WORKS cause now baku tries to let go of kiri’s wrists and back off but kiri just interlocks their fingers tight so he can keep kissing.

BAKUGOU IS SO OFF HIS GAME ATM. cause he keeps trying to threaten kiri but his voice keeps going all weird and giggles are occasionally pouring out of his mouth as he’s DESPERATELY fighting against the tickling. bakugou keeps going “STOP” and growling and kirishima’s like “whaaaaa why can’t i tickle you come on let me it’s fun” and he pretends to stop but then a second later he dives under the covers and goes for his belly. and ohh my god here we go

it’s a mess of constricting blankets and baku trying to kick them off so he can make an attempt at escape. and he’s also trying to grab kirishima but can’t really find him like he’s aware of where he is but he keeps moving and is under a comforter and he can’t grab him correctly. and he’s really ticklish okay so he starts laughing really damn loudly. his laugh is a little rugged and concerned sounding just cause he’s a baby. and he’s always frustrated so he yells the whole time. but, not quite as loud and boisterous as kirishima’s was, it’s more of a screaming squeal for help rather.

but he stops kinda quickly! and honestly bakugou feels kinda lost for a second like he realizes he’s stupid in love to let this happen and he’s in a daze. kirishima comes up and is like “see, wasn’t so bad” and starts with the kissing again but bakugou’s like “okay it’s somewhere in the morning idk when and i’m out of breath you dumbass” and kirishima’s like “HHAH… you right.. can we still hug” and bakugou just turns over like “whatever i’m sleeping” so passively letting kiri snug him.

this is long as FUCK but here it is to match the NUMBER OF REQUESTS kiribaku is real popular! ❤ thanks to everyone who asked!

[tanyaodebra]

You 2.5: “Have a Good Wellkend, Joe!” – Halfway Home

Five down, five to go. Ugh, it’s so hard to only watch one of these at a time while I write each recap! At the end of the last episode, Forty was trying to secure a plane ticket from Austin to LA for his new girlfriend, Amy. Looks like they decided to drive instead, or perhaps Amy’s ID says Candace and she doesn’t want to blow her cover. Candace isn’t as skilled at having a fake identity as Joe, because she’s not an actual fucking psycho like he is. When Candace’s ride stalls in Arizona because her car needs a charge, Forty dials up a private jet to whisk them back to LA – his mom doesn’t like it when people are late. I called it! It’s time to meet the Quinns! Quinn must be an alternate spelling for coin, because damn. These people have “we met at Esalen” money. Dottie and Ray Quinn (Saffron Burrows and Michael Reilly Burke) are renewing their vows for their 30th anniversary, so the gang is in for a whole weekend, aka Wellkend, of hippie bullshit that will culminate in a wedding ceremony officiated by Love. Okay, so when the invitation reads “abundance,” that’s apparently code for flaunting that cash. Got it. From the get-go, Dottie’s a little handsy with Will, and then she tries to conceal her cold reception of Love. Hmm.

Now is the moment the viewers have been waiting for: Candace and Joe face to face. This shit is on. Will looks like he’s going to vomit, but he manages a remarkable recovery. The two engage in a verbal tango, each doing their best to trip the other. A little while later, they end up alone at an outdoor bar where she divulges how she found him – she happened upon video of Forty’s outburst at Hendy’s, and Joe was in the background. Candace trolls Joe during a group session, claiming she wants to fulfill her life’s dream of traveling to Italy. Viewers from last season will remember that Joe hacked her Instagram to post postmortem photos of a fake trip to Italy in order to cover his tracks. Joe counters by forcing her to hug him in front of everyone. It’s too much for Candace, so she excuses herself to her yurt. Joe has the nerve to follow her, thinking they can somehow call a truce. He has convinced himself that SHE is the crazy one. Candace attempts to defend herself with a knife, but he’s stronger than she is and he easily disarms her. They find themselves alone again after the wedding, and Joe cautions Candace that he’s not afraid of her – she doesn’t actually have anything on him or she would have used it. Candace knows him too well, so in her eyes all she has to do is wait; he’ll fuck up sooner or later. Joe knows she’s right.

The word is out about Hendy’s death, which has been ruled a suicide. But the police are still dotting their i’s and crossing their t’s, because they check in on Ellie since she was the last person he was supposed to hang out with, according to his IMs. Delilah gives them the run-around, so they never actual speak to her. Ellie’s doing some snooping of her own, because she found the homemade underage porn-stash Delilah’s been hiding. Delilah comes clean about the real reason she didn’t want Ellie hanging out with Hendy, but Ellie doesn’t believe any of it. Later on, fuck buddy cop shows up. Delilah’s whole dynamic with him reinforces the idea of an inversion of Joe’s New York life. Delilah is so together, unlike Ray’s mom. And the cop is actually a good guy, unlike Ray’s mom’s boyfriend. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I love this cop. He’s so genuinely invested in Delilah’s happiness and well-being. Anyway, he’s back for the photos so he can try and nail a motive on Henderson’s suicide. Delilah tries to hand them over, but Ellie snatched them earlier. With a little help from Joe, Delilah tracks down Ellie at a Raymond Chandler film festival. This is the second Chandler reference, but unfortunately I’m not very familiar with his work. Something about detectives, maybe? Or maybe it has more to do with Double Indemnity which I haven’t seen or read, but seems to deal with mistaken identity of murderers and faked suicides. Either way, Ellie has finally come to terms with Delilah’s sexual assault. She apologizes to Delilah and convinces her to burn the photos. A savvy internet teen, Ellie knows Delilah’s photo will follow her forever if they were made public. Delilah agrees and the two flush them down the toilet. Ellie seemed very sincere, but I can’t help but feel a little suspicious about this choice.

Love is slowly showing more signs that she is not the person she’s pretending to be. The Big Bad Wolf metaphor has been extended to this episode, and our sweet little Love is not being painted as Little Red Riding Hood – quite the opposite. First, she pulls a wolf toy out of the gift bag, and as Joe heads to Forty’s yurt, she tells him not to get lost out there. There’s a real live wolf at one of the activity sessions and Joe tries to approach it, but it growls at him – we’re dealing with more than one Big Bad Wolf. Our Little Red Riding Hood might actually be Candace. Each time Love walks in on a conversation between Candace and Joe, she seems mildly displeased. She drills Candace about her relationship with Forty and catches her in a lie about her job. Again, Candace is not at Joe’s level when it comes to catfishing, and you’ll recall that Love can name every fish in the market. If I were Candace, I’d watch out for Love. During a fight in their yurt, Joe accuses Love of throwing him to the wolves: her family. After Forty takes another giant leap out of sobriety, his mother’s reaction to his stoned antics at her wedding reveals more of Love’s damage – Dottie slaps her after accusing her of not protecting Forty. Joe attempts to form a trauma bond with Love by sharing his own childhood abuse. Love ups the ante and discloses Forty’s sexual abuse at the hands of their au pair. Turns out the au pair committed suicide after having been exposed and subsequently fired. Weird that so many people adjacent to Joe and Love tend to die. As Joe consoles her, Love pulls the wolf toy from under herself and shoves it into Joe’s neck, growling maniacally. He’s not put off by this – in fact he sooths her with kisses until she confesses her love for him and he reciprocates. They decide to come up with a new word for love to separate it from her name. Love tells him she “wolfs” him – he “wolfs” her, too. They officially join each other’s pack. But viewers know that Joe will never be a part of a pack; he’s a lone wolf. If Love is a mirror image of Joe, what will happen when two lone wolves pair up?

Finally, the audience gets filled in on the whole Candace situation in this episode’s flashbacks. I’m glad they’re shown from Candance’s POV. One thing I loved about the first season was that we got both Joe and Beck’s separate POVs. There must be a reason we’re not getting Love’s POV, and it’s got to be that she’s a stalker and/or killer, too. But Candace’s flashbacks are deeply disturbing. After they break up at his apartment, Killer Joe abducts Candace and keeps her tied up in the back of the van of every woman’s nightmares. I don’t even need to describe it, because we all know it’s a plain white van with no seats in the back. He’s made them a picnic so she’ll take him back. She plays it cool, then runs as soon as he puts her outside – the dumb-dumb only tied her hands. She doesn’t get far before he catches her and smashes her head against a downed tree, accidentally killing her. Or so he believes. In one of the most disturbing moments of the season, Candace emerges from her own shallow grave. Seeing a woman in a shallow grave hits me hard. Not only is it common in real life, it sends the message that she’s not worth the effort of a full burial. That she’s disposable. That no one will care to figure out who she was or where she came from. This concept is reinforced when Candace tries to report the crime at the police station. The (female) cop (Cara Mitsuko) seems totally uninterested in helping Candace – if she has no corroborating evidence, there’s really nothing that can be done. But what appears to be a lack of concern might instead be realism. This cop knows Candace’s assailant won’t be punished; he’ll get off with nothing but a restraining order. Off the record, the cop tells Candace that the best thing she can do if she wants to stay alive is to pretend to be dead. I fear this cop was right, and that Candace should have followed her advice.

The episode ends with a postcard from Will. Looks like he’s in the Philippines, blissed out with Gigi. Maybe Joe’s safe on that front after all. Or maybe Will got someone else to send it. The note is in the style of the hangman game. I’m not counting Will out yet. Side note: am I crazy, or is Love constantly handling lemons at Anavrin? I digress. Lest we fool ourselves into thinking our would-be Little Red Riding Hood is totally lost in the woods, Candace shows Joe she’s still on track. Forty’s latest filmmaking gambit will be an adaptation of the posthumous autobiography of none other than Guinevere Beck. If murder hasn’t followed Joe on its own, Candace is giving it a map. That’s a pretty big bomb to drop at the end of the episode, but somehow that isn’t the end. PS – the police think Henderson was murdered. Candace is right on top of this shit. She knows immediately that Joe is the culprit. I hope she gets to nail his balls to the floor, but I have a terrible feeling that she won’t live long enough. If the saying is true, Love trumps all. See You next time!

[juicy-cookie]

Through The Valley - Chapter 5

Fic Summary: A deeper look into The Sanctuary.

Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy. Boy has a weird obsession with a baseball bat, promiscuity and the word “fuck”. Girl has to find out if she can look past these things. Also, zombies and shit.

AO3 Link: http://archiveofourown.org/works/10075958/chapters/23378913

Tags: @rickdixonandthefandomlifeposts @embracetheapocalypsewithme @redisunamused @kinkozan @lupienne @theblack-wolf @lovingzombiechaos @dragonracer @miiraal

Pairing: Negan X OFC

Chapter Summary: Mornings are for coffee and contemplation.

The first light of morning was starting to pierce the blue of the night, carrying promises of another hot day under the merciless Virginian summer sun.

Lilly was standing on top of the stairs that led down to the small garden and enjoyed her first cup of coffee, brewed on the little cooking station she had set up on the back porch. It had been her daily ritual for the nearly three months that she and Jax had been staying at this place. Get up at the first light of dawn, make coffee, plan another day of hunting, scavenging and piercing skulls. She had never been a good sleeper, but living outside of a community had resulted in her tossing and turning each night with barely four hours of sleep in between nightmares and lying awake, listening to every sound inside and outside of the house.

She leaned against one of the porch posts with a content sigh and blew into the steaming cup that she was cradling in her hands. Better to enjoy some peace and quiet before the horde of men came back from their little sleepover in the school. She couldn’t wait to see if Jax was okay, of course, but the thought of having her home invaded by strangers again made her anxious.

It was probably best if she stopped thinking about this place as her home and those men as strangers real quick.

Lilly knew that Jax could handle himself. When he wasn’t glowering at a bunch of invaders, he was actually a very friendly and outgoing guy. He’d probably come back with four new best friends, beaming happily at her and demanding breakfast and sharing inside jokes they had collected during the night.

She took a sip of coffee and thought that her own guest probably wouldn’t be as enthusiastic about seeing her again in the morning. She still couldn’t decide if it had been genius or insane to pull her little handcuff stunt. She may have ruined her chances of joining a new community, but her fear of being alone all night in the house with a man she had just met had drowned out all reason. She would just have to think of something to placate him and hope that he was as reasonable and friendly as he had been before she had gotten his cock up and then blocked.

Negan. Impressive name. Impressive man.

Lilly thought that he had done a damn good job convincing her and Jax of joining his community. The combination of logic, jokes and promises of a safe home had won them over in the end. Negan had laid it on a big thick with the compliments, but Lilly guessed that that was his way of ensuring people that he and his men were friendly. Though she had no doubt that his friendliness would be quickly replaced with something far more sinister when provoked. She could only hope that she wouldn’t be on the other end of a bad tempered leader with a baseball bat when she went upstairs to uncuff him later. Maybe she should have just fucked him. He was attractive enough.

Fucking her new boss before she even started at this new place, great idea.

She would just present him with a nice breakfast and a big pot of coffee for him and his men and hope for the best, she decided.

She was so lost in thought, sipping her coffee, looking over the garden that was slowly basked in soft sunlight and thinking of tall men with foul mouths and leather jackets, that she nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard a loud SLAP and felt a stinging pain on her right butt cheek.

She yelped, dropped her cup, which shattered at her feet and spun around, while simultaneously going for the machete on her hip when she felt a hand around her wrist, applying just enough pressure not to hurt, but making sure that she couldn’t draw her weapon. The object of her former musings was baring his teeth mere inches away from her face, his broad frame towering over her. Lilly’s eyes widened in fear and she was sure that she had fucked up by once again utterly failing to read a person’s behaviour. This wasn’t a strict, but benevolent leader who just wanted to recruit new people for his community. He was here to kill her; Jax was probably bleeding out on the school’s linoleum floor at this very moment. These weren’t Saviors, they were killers. And Negan, if that was even his real name, would now proceed to take what he didn’t get last night and then murder her in the most brutal way.

“Told you you’d get a fucking spanking.”

He was grinning at her and she opened her mouth to say something, but her mind was drawing a blank.

“What? You don’t like it? I got the impression that you’re into all this freaky shit after that fucking show of yours last night.”

She blinked. Why was he cracking jokes? Was that some form of sick psychological torture before bashing her head in with his bat? Where was that weird thing, anyway? She looked down at his hands and then back at his face. His grin had been replaced by a look of concern and he released her wrist and took a step back.

“You… you’re not going to kill me?”

 “I still might if you don’t pull the keys out of your ass and take these off.”

He held his arms out in front of him and she realized he was still half naked and handcuffed. She fumbled for the small key in her jeans pocket and gave it to him with shaking hands. He took off the handcuffs, which fell to the ground and put on the shirt he had stuffed into the back pocket of his pants. He then stepped in front of her again and poked his index finger into her shoulder and looked at her with a very serious expression.

“What the fuck was that all about? I offer you a place in my home and go out of my fucking way to make you fucking comfortable and you thank me by going all dominatrix on my ass?”

Lilly sucked in two more shaky breaths before answering.

“Look, I’m sorry, okay? You wouldn’t be the first man I met to turn into fucking Ted Bundy in the throes of passion.”

“What the fuck? Are you fucking kidding me? Do I look like a fucking raping serial killer to you?”

“I have no idea what you look like. I only just met you, you were adamant about being alone with me and I figured, if we were still cool in the morning, it was a sign that you really are just a bunch of normal people who are interested in us joining your community.”

“Oh we are so fucking far away from being cool, you might as well paint me red and hand me a fucking pitchfork.”

Lilly put a hand on his forearm and the small gesture seemed to calm him down a notch. She noticed him staring at the heavy rise and fall of her chest and figured that she wasn’t above using her female charm to get herself out of this situation. It had already worked on him once, after all.

“I really am sorry, Negan, for deceiving you like that. I panicked. Please don’t be mad at me? I do like you a lot, but being with you last night brought back some really bad memories. It’s a fucked-up world out there, especially for a woman.”

She felt like she needed a shower after spewing so much bullshit.

She hadn’t panicked. Not last night, anyway. She had it all planned out from the moment he had suggested to separate her and Jax for the night. But he didn’t need to know that. She could play the frightened little princess until she got one foot in his community.

His eyes softened and he took his hand away from her collarbone. He looked around and noticed the steaming pot on the camping stove.

“Is that fucking coffee?”

“Yeah. You want a cup?”

“Fuck yes! It’s the least you can do to get back into my good graces. Or my pants. Offer still stands.”

She laughed and hurried to the plastic garden table to pour Negan some coffee. She handed him the cup, took a fresh one for herself and couldn’t help being curious:

“So, uhm, how did you get free?”

He took a sip and grimaced, though she couldn’t tell whether it was from the question, the taste or the temperature.

“The fucking headboard came off. Next time you want to try out some kinky shit, make sure your fucking props are a bit sturdier.”

“Oh… well… I’m not exactly used to having such a hunk in my bed.”

“Stop fucking buttering me up, bitch. I won’t fucking kill you, but I also don’t want to hear any more of your bullshit sweet-talk.”

Lilly frowned and muttered “Don’t call me a bitch.” under her breath and his eyebrows shot up.

“Are you for fucking real right now?”

“I hate the word. It’s degrading to women.”

“Says the bitch that left me with my arms tied over my head all night.”

“Apparently not all night.” she murmured and Negan scoffed, before she gave him a half smile: “By the way… thanks for staying in your room and not taking your baseball bat to my head.”

 “The day has only just begun, so you better play really fucking nice from now on. At least I got to fire one off before I fell asleep… would have been a waste of a perfectly good boner.”

Lilly hid her grin behind her cup.

“Okay, I’ll think of something to make it up to you.”

“You can start by giving me a run-down of all the fucking things we’re going to take home with us.”

“Can I at least finish my first cup of coffee? I really don’t function properly without a good dose of caffeine in my system.”

“Again with the fucking demands.” he sighed dramatically, “We’re not even home yet, and you’re already busting my balls. But yeah, sure, finish your fucking coffee. Might be a long time before you get another cup. My people at the Sanctuary are going to fucking rip each other apart to get their hands on the fucking stuff.”

“The Sanctuary? You named your community?” she looked at him in amusement.

“Hey, don’t fucking look at me like I’m some fucking weirdo. Just for your information, there are quite a lot of fucking groups out there with much stranger names. And it serves a purpose. It increases people’s sense of community. Strengthens the team spirit.”

“Wow. That actually makes sense.” Lilly sat down on one of the plastic lawn chairs and propped her feet up on the table. She was rather impressed with what she had seen of Negan’s leadership skills so far and she allowed herself to relax and soak up some of the sunlight that was hitting the porch now. She watched as Negan eyed the other lawn chair suspiciously, clearly contemplating whether it would survive an attempt of him sitting down. She pointed over her shoulder.

“There’s a wooden one folded up against that wall.”

Negan followed her directions, unfolded the chair and happily sat down next to her.

“Thanks! I’ve destroyed one too many of those fuckers in my life.”

“Yeah, wouldn’t want you to land on your ass first thing in the morning, Big Guy. One person with a hurting backside is quite enough… Ouch!”

She rubbed her butt where Negan had slapped her earlier. No doubt there would be an imprint of his giant hand there if she cared to look. He seemed to find her discomfort incredibly funny, judging by the devious grin creeping up on his face.

“Fucking hurts, doesn’t it? Good. You’re lucky you pulled your fucking stunt while we were alone. Can’t let shit like that fly in front of my men. So you better keep your fucking mouth shut about last night. Unless of course you really are into kinky shit like handcuffs and spanking, then by all means, be my fucking guest.”

She grinned and, after taking a final sip from her coffee, swung her combat boots off the table and stood up to look down at him.

“Oh please. Handcuffs and a pat on the butt? A bit vanilla, don’t you think?” she had to keep herself from laughing when he choked on his coffee and asked him with a sweet smile: “Breakfast?” just before a loud knock came from the front door.

The boys were back. Time to get this show on the road.