#so yeah i just need to look at my man rapping to make myself feel better

[pardonmydelays]

heyyy guess what

[novantinuum]

Fandom: Steven Universe Rating: Gen Words: 2.8K~ Summary: Not too long after making peace with Homeworld and sparking the start of Era 3, Steven wakes up one morning to discover some... notable changes about himself.

AKA: The one where Steven finally hits his growth-spurt. All at once. Because of course the half-Gem kid could never experience such a human thing like puberty in a "normal" way.

[Part 1 of 2]

Just a few seconds later, knuckles rap against the door in answer to his perturbed cry. 

“Yo Steve-o, that you in there?” Amethyst calls. 

“Y-yeah?” he stammers. His brows threading inwards, he delicately runs his fingers over the ridge upon his throat, very much thrown off by the distinctly lower tenor of the sound coming from his own mouth. He swallows hard, pushing himself to speak again. Come on Steven, he berates himself, think of something lighthearted. This doesn’t have to be a bad thing. No need to completely freak out over this yet. “Who else would I be? It’s not like the whole town uses this bathroom…”

“I mean, I do sometimes. For fun.”

“Okay, fair point, but—”

“Dude, what’s wrong with your voice? Are you like, sick or somethin’?“

“No, it’s just—” 

He squeezes his eyes shut, blocking out all the nebulous, spinning distractions of his mind and the world beyond. Deep breath. It’s okay. Tons of things about his form may be entirely different right now, but like… he seems fine. Right?? Nothing about his body feels tangibly wrong like it did when he willfully stretched himself out on his 14th birthday, or when he changed all his fingers into cats, or when he lost all control of his aging and morphed into an anciently old man and almost died, it’s just… 

New.

New and wholly unfamiliar.

So what now? How can he bravely move forward with all this? What does he need to know? 

“Have, uh… have you ever shapeshifted by accident in your sleep?”

“Not that I‘m aware of,” she says, and he can practically hear the shrug in her tone. “Shapeshifting is a conscious thing you do. It’s a choice, y’know? It doesn’t just happen.”

A good long moment passes as he drinks this information in. He runs his hand through the short curls at the back of his neck as he stands there in the pair of too-small banana yellow pajamas he fit in just fine last night, musing.

“Huh… I guess that makes things pretty simple, then.”

“What d’ya’—”

“Amethyst, I think I’m finally older,” he says, still absolutely mystified by this prospect as he gawks at himself in the mirror. 

She gives a fond laugh. “Ch’a, right? You get older everyday, bud. Wild.”

“No, I mean I’m actually, physically older! Look!”

Steven whirls around and swings the bathroom door wide open to show her. Amethyst’s jaw drops.

“Whoa—! Dude!”

Chuckling nervously, he steps a few feet out, wriggling his bare toes against the wood floor. “I know, right?”

“What the heck, you weren’t kidding!” Before he can even move to say anything else, she spins on her heels and cups her mouth with her hands, hollering towards the temple door. “HEY, PEARL! GARNET! You gotta get out here and see this!”

His brows shoot towards his hairline, his heart hammering in his chest all the while at the thought of all the dumb show-and-tell he’s gonna have to deal with now. “Aww, come on, did you really have to—”

“Amethyst!” Pearl cries, scrambling through the still opening gap in the doorway with Garnet striding mere steps behind. She summons her spear from her gem and swings it to fighting stance with an artful flourish. “What happened? Where’s the threat? What do you need us for??”

Steven darts towards them, hands held up in a placating plea.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! There’s no danger! We’re fine. I just—”

“Oh, my stars—!” she gasps, allowing her spear to dissipate in a glittery flicker of light. “You’ve grown!”

“Nice look, Steven,” Garnet nods, a supportive smile gracing her lips.

“And you’re sure this is real this time? You’re not—?”

“No, no, I’m not stretching myself out, I promise. I just woke up like this.”

“B-but—” Pearl taps her fingers against her chin, appearing thoroughly puzzled— “I thought humans were supposed to age gradually, not all at once.”

Steven’s shoulders slump. “Well… that’s what I assumed too, but—”

“Come, sit with me,” Garnet says, walking around the warp pad to enter the living room. She sets herself down on the couch, patting the cushion in open invitation.

With a heavy, far too weary for his age sigh, Steven shoves his hands in the pockets of his too-small banana pajamas and plods his way over. The rest of the Gems follow suit. He settles himself right next to Garnet, with Pearl perched opposite to her and Amethyst happily lounging on the floor, leaning on the coffee table with her elbows. 

“Steven’s aging hasn’t aligned with the norms of humanity for a very long time,” she observes, a glint of morning sun that’s beaming through the window catching on the edge on the edge of her star shaped visor. Then, turning to him: “I’m curious why you think this is.”

He hums, considering all the chaotic happenings of the past few years. Despite the rare query she poses, he gets the sense that… in her vast wisdom… she already knows the answer. Or at least, a small sum of it. It should be noted that her future vision— as far-reaching as it otherwise is with the vast possibilities of existence— can’t ever touch any knowledge that she won’t be conscious for or present to receive, let alone retroactively scry into the past.

(And honestly? Thank goodness for that.)

“I’m not sure,” he says, a half-lie.

He can think of one reason he might’ve started aging again. Though, it’s not something he’s ready to talk to the Gems about yet. It’s… far too delicate a topic to risk bringing up so soon after the start of peaceful Era 3. But after spending a whole childhood being constantly compared to and mistaken as various versions of his mom… let’s just say, having his gem torn from his body and getting to see it reform into a version of himself (and not her) was simultaneously the worst and the best thing that could’ve ever happened to him. While undeniably traumatic, this experience served as the ultimate proof that he doesn’t have to waste another second of his existence chewing away at some burgeoning identity crisis, that he can live his life however he wants. As Steven. Not as Rose, or Pink Diamond, just… Steven.

He’s not exactly sure how all this mental weirdness translates into him staying stuck looking like a little kid for like… six or so years, but after he returned home from his latest escapade on Homeworld, he could sense that— despite all the messed up stuff he and Connie went through— his spirit was lighter, somehow.

So maybe, he thinks, he simply had to peel away at all the damaged layers of his identity to ready himself to move on to the next stage of his life. Maybe he had to stare death in the eye and pass through the heart of the storm in spite of all these hardships before he could piece the foundational truths of his story back together and learn to finally live again.

To start shifting his hopeful gaze towards the dawn of their bright, sunny future…

“I mean, I always kinda thought he stopped aging because we never did,” Amethyst says then, laying her cheek on the table. “Like, it happened around the time you moved in with us, yeah?”

He purses his lips, scanning his memory. “Uh… I think so? It might have been a year before. Two, even. But I was definitely hanging out with y’all a lot by then.”

She leans over and playfully slugs him in the arm.

“See, there you go! You always wanted to be just like us when you were a kid, so much that you even wore that same ol’ star shirt every day to match ours, ha! You must’ve wanted to be a Gem so badly that you subconsciously stopped becoming older at all.”

“That’s actually a pretty solid theory, Amethyst,” Pearl chimes in. “Good thinking!”

“We have seen you shift your form in response to your perception of others around you,” Garnet says with a nod. “This has caused you to temporarily age and shapeshift in the past, but for you to age in a stable way now, your perception of self must have stabilized, too. I’m very happy for you, Steven.”

She tousles his mess of curls with her gold ringed hand, a welcome little offering of affection that he eagerly leans into.

And then, out of nowhere, Amethyst starts cackling.

“Dude,” she blurts out between her peels of laughter, nudging his foot with her elbow, “I just realized— Greg’s gonna totally lose his shit when he sees this…”

Pearl’s expression scrunches inwards with prickly displeasure. “Language!” 

“What, it’s true!”

He waves Amethyst’s comment off. “Pshhh, my dad’s seen way weirder,” he says, rolling his eyes. “Like, did I ever tell y’guys how the cat fingers incident ended?”

“No!” the quartz exclaims with intensive fervor, and leans forward in anticipation. “Gimme the juicy deets, m’man!”

Garnet adjusts her visor then, her features falling into a dutiful line. “Speaking of Greg… story time can wait until later. Steven— if you want to see your father this morning, you need to head over there now… or there’s a good chance he’ll fall back asleep until one and you’ll miss your window.”

Amethyst’s lips fall into a pout as she slumps back against the foot of the couch, her arms crossed. “Awww, phooey. Spoil sport.”

He swallows a grimace as he internalizes Garnet’s prediction. Yeah, that sounds about right. That’s become a bad habit for his old man lately, staying up super late and then sleeping in almost half the day on weekends. Ever since he received that ten million dollar residues check it’s nothing that can hinder his financials anymore, thank goodness, but then again…

“Yeah… I should probably go make sure he wakes up,” he mutters, pushing his tired body off his seat. “I’ll need his help finding new clothes, anyways.”

The second he’s up and moving again, Amethyst darts around him and snatches his spot with such swift and viscous drive that one might believe this ploy were her sole quest and purpose in life. She stretches out against the seat back with a big, dramatic yawn, crossing her arms behind her head as she speaks. 

“It’s too bad you can’t just… I dunno… summon whatever clothes you want out of light, like us. That’s like the biggest bummer of humanity, if you ask me.”

“And when do you ever experiment with your outfit enough to have a strong opinion about this?” Pearl prods, crossing her arms. “It took you almost a decade to fix that asymmetrical shoulder strap.”

“Well, P… I like to think of myself as a Gem who would experiment with my outfit. One day. If I’m ever really, really bored. Consider it an Era 3 aspiration.”

Steven rocks back and forth on his heels, absentmindedly fiddling with the fraying bottom hem of his pajama top.

“Okay, uh… well, I’m gonna dress to leave now, so—”

“Yeah, see ‘ya.”

“Send a text if you need anything!” Pearl says with a casual wave.

“And don’t forget…” Garnet begins, the ellipses in her tone practically visible with the naked eye.

He pauses in his dutiful march to the stairs— (a somewhat unsteady march… as it turns out, shooting up about a foot and a half in height overnight tends to impact one’s sense of balance for the worst, go figure)— turning back to intercept whatever life advice or future vision she’s prepared for him this time. 

She grins, flashing him a quick heart with her hands instead. “We love you!”

~~

Steven trudges across the hot sands to his dad’s car wash sans his favorite flip flops, trying his very darnedest to wipe away the developing grimace on his face all the while. 

A small segment of him felt overjoyed when he first saw his reflection this morning, eager to look his age and finally grow up alongside his human friends. But after struggling to find anything that fits him even halfway right in his wardrobe, his good mood has rapidly spoiled. There’s a decent few reasons for this.

Reason number one: his old sandals are at least two sizes too small. His heels stick out over the end now, and the plastic thong digs into his toes something terrible. He literally can’t wear them without giving himself blisters. Ergo, his bare feet right now. 

Reason number two: none of his jeans sit right around the waist anymore, plus they make him look like he’s waiting for a flood. (Though thankfully, he found a stretchy blue skirt buried in one of his drawers that will do the trick for now.) 

And perhaps worst of all… reason number three: with his newly increased height, every single one of his treasured star shirts have been turned into ill-fitting crop tops, putting his gem on full display. He’s not against the concept of a crop top, but it sure ain’t a look he’s passionate about for everyday wear. It just feels… too exposing. Like, what about winter?? He can’t bear his whole midriff in winter, he’d freeze, and like… get hypothermia, or something. And not only that, but the longer he’s awake this morning the more an inescapable, thrumming ache starts to settle within the deepest core of his body, like even his bones themselves— the stubborn things— dare to object to this abrupt growth spurt.

Just… ugh. What an annoying hassle all these changes bring.  

“Stupid shirt,” he grouses, tugging at the too-tight collar, “stupid sandals, stupid Gem puberty! Why, oh why can’t I ever go through human stuff normally?”

His bare foot catches upon a sizable stone hidden amongst the beach. On any other day he would’ve successfully broken his fall, stumbling forwards a few awkward steps before regaining his balance and continuing on his way. But with his body now so different, and his center of gravity entirely off from what he’s used to, he head plants straight into the ground.

Wow, he thinks, spitting sand out of his mouth and pushing himself back to his feet. How elegant. Truly the shining paragon of coordination and grace.

Thank goodness no one was watching. Next time he’ll just have to remember to float.

He arrives at his dad’s van with no further incident. The rear doors are— following Garnet’s prediction- cracked open. Dad’s awake, at least for now.

“Daaaaaaaad,” he hollers, cupping his hands around his mouth to project. “A really, really weird thing happened, and I kinda need your help!”

A few spare seconds pass, seconds filled with the rustles of shifting blankets, the sound of a book being shut closed, and his dad’s low murmurs. The doors swing wide, though not as wide as Dad’s eyes when they wander around their bright, sunny surroundings and eventually land square on him and his new look.

“Wh— Steven, holy smokes! Look at you!”

With an awkward chuckle, he scratches away at an itch at the nape of his neck. “Heh heh, I know, right?”

“You’re almost as tall as your old man! When did this happen? How did this happen?”

“Some point last night, I guess,” he shrugs. “I just woke up like this. But Dad—” he clings onto his arm with mounting desperation— “I need your help to find some new shirts. Don’t you have like… whole boxes of your old tour merch stashed away somewhere? I don’t wanna have to get rid of my star, I just— I just need a bigger size, or something.”

“Hmmm…” Dad muses, scratching at the scruff of his beard. “Well, maybe, but…”

“But what?”

“But if any of it’s still around, then it’s probably in Amethyst’s room. All of the stuff from the storage unit ended up with her, remember?”

“Oh…” he says, brows furrowed, not quite able to parse this fact within his memory yet. And then… 

Ugh. That’s right.

Two New Years’ ago. The huge mess of crates and mattresses and long forgotten belongings. All that ridiculous Little Butler nonsense. Amethyst’s fight with Dad.

“Oh,” he mumbles, crossing his arms. “Right. Well, then let’s go find it!”

“R- right now?”

“Yeah, why not? I need new clothes, and you could see if there’s any old junk in there you might want to keep!”

With that, he grabs his dad’s hand and yanks him along, spirit filled with renewed purpose and vigor.

“And you’re sure you need my help for this?” Dad asks, lagging a step or two behind him as they march back across the beach together. “The Gems, they… well, they don’t usually want me going into the temple—”

“Oh, Amethyst will be fine,” he says with a wave of his palm. “She never cares when I go in there to check out her trash piles. ‘Sides, I need your help to find the right box! I have no idea what your old band stuff was stashed in.”

His dad flashes a tight smile, the sort he always serves up when he’s nervous, but also too timid to tell him that he’s nervous.

“Well… if you think she’ll allow it…” he relents, and picks up his pace to match his.

~~

[End Part 1... more to be shared later.]

[heavyhitterheaux]

Call Her Daddy (NSFW)

First Lady of Private Garden Fic

AN: 🤭🤭🤭

Synopsis: Jack goes on the Call Her Daddy podcast and of course has to talk about his wife

Pairing: Husband!Jack Harlow x Wife!Reader

First Lady of Private Garden Masterlist

DO NOT ENGAGE IF UNDERAGE

Please Do Not Repost My Content Anywhere

“Jack, it's about damn time you showed up for an episode of my podcast.” Alex said after the both of them sat down and got comfortable where the podcast recording would take place.

“What can I say? I'm a busy man. And it's good to be here.”

“Definitely busy seeing as you just recently put a total of three babies in your wife, but we'll get to that later. We're focusing on you, first.”

“Look, I can't help it if my wife is fine as hell. Might as well go hard or go home.” He replied while shrugging and of course Alex laughed.

“Don't worry, you'll get to talk about how much you love your wife in due time because we know that’s a running theme with you. But first, I want to know more about Jack Harlow. Did you always want to be a rapper? And where did that drive come from?”

“Always wanted to be one and I remember selling my CD's back in middle school. My mom was a heavy influence on that and she would freestyle with me in the car when she would drive me to like soccer practice and different things like that.”

“That's so cute and adorable that your mom influenced you. Now when people think of rap, Kentucky isn't really the first place people think of.”

“Not at all and I'm from Louisville and a lot of people don't know that it is literally an entire city. When people hear Kentucky, the first thing that they think of is some back roads country ass shit when it's not.” He answered as he thought about when he first started and some people would tell him that he would never make it out Kentucky let alone Louisville.

“And did a lot of people support you? Or did they try to discourage you? How was that growing up there?”

“It was about half and half. A lot of people were confident that I was going to make something of myself, but others weren’t. But I’ve been serious about this shit from day one and it’s slowly but surely paying off. My girl wouldn’t let me quit for nothing even if sometimes I wanted to.”

“Now, what were you like in high school? Were you the popular jock, the nerd, part of the science club? Did the girls fall out over you?” Alex asked while getting comfortable in her chair and adjusting.

“I mean I always had friends and I wasn’t the one who would be stuffed into lockers or some shit. Like with certain things people knew not to mess with me. And it always seemed like girls always liked me, but when I set my eyes on one, that was it. It was a done deal. We weren’t even together yet and people knew that she was mine and they would respect it.”

“So, I want to ask you since you said that about people knowing that she was your girl and respecting it. Now we are talking about the First Lady, correct?”

“The fucking one and only. Had my eyes on her ever since I was fourteen.”

“A little birdie told me about you hiding a boy’s clothes after gym was over because he liked her and wouldn’t leave her alone? Not baby Jack getting jealous.” Alex said while laughing and Jack soon joined in along with her.

“Look, he asked for it and I didn’t have a problem with him after that. Like dude get the fuck away from my girl.”

“And what did she do when she found out?”

“She never found out until we moved to Atlanta after we graduated so she had absolutely no idea. But, she definitely got on my ass. But she’s not so innocent either, but you’ll have to ask her about that.”

“Yeah, she’s definitely the next person I need to have on here. Now what is the album that you think is your best work or the one that you are most proud of?”

“Hmm, Jackman hands down. No features, just me talking and getting my feelings out. I was able to be home in Louisville with my wife for about a year and a half and I took that time to reset and get my mind right because a lot of shit had been going on and happening around us and I felt that it was important for me to do that, but now we’re back to making the catchy shit that people can really vibe to and feel good music so I’m excited for this new era.”

“Lovin’ On Me! Now I am loving your new song and I notice that it says I don't like no whips and chains and you can’t tie me down. So no whips and chains in the Harlow household?”

“I… look I have a story about that. It’s not the fact that there’s absolutely none because at one point in time there was.”

“Damn, do I need popcorn for this because I feel like I need popcorn for this.” Alex added while busting out laughing.

“So, I tie her up, blindfold her, we got the nipple clamps, all that shit, and I handcuff myself to her to get her to stop moving and I lost the key in the process. So, she notices that I get quiet and she’s freaking out asking me what’s wrong and when I finally tell her she’s like call Urban. He’s our best friend who lived with us at the time and he has seen some wild shit and I know he’s so fucking tired of us. So with my free hand, I use my phone to call him and he comes and sees what the situation is, finds the key and leaves us there and goes to sleep because we had woken him up and he was pissed. So he just left us there until the morning.”

“I LITERALLY CANNOT! But, was it really a punishment though? Handcuffed to your wife so I can imagine a few more rounds came after that?” Alex asked while wiggling her eyebrows.

“More than a few.”

“Now talk to me about the other wild shit that he has seen.” 

All Jack did was hang his head as he busted out laughing.

“I… I don’t even know where to fucking start. Urb is always getting pulled into the middle of shit that he absolutely had nothing to do with.”

“That’s what best friends are for. Now, how do you feel about choking?”

“Anything she wants, I will do it. Nothing is off limits for her. I admit that it’s not my favorite thing in the world, but if it’s going to make her orgasm faster, I’m all for it. She definitely comes first. Pun intended.”

“Oh, so you’re all about putting her needs first in the bedroom?”

“And in life, that’s my baby and her needs and wants are always going to be met. Been doing that since we were fifteen when we were officially together.”

“Now you said nothing is off limits when it comes to her, so she’s just like ‘babe, let me peg you’.”

“No, absolutely not, no one is sticking anything up my ass. I love my wife through and through, but no. That’s a little too much for me. Come on Alex, I’m not that adventurous, my lyrics literally say ‘I’m vanilla baby’.”

“Well, I might have put an idea in your head that you’ll want to try with her later.”

“Nope.”

“Favorite sex position?”

“Do you…. Do you not know what they call me?” Jack curiously asked her in disbelief.

“No, what do they call you?”

“Missionary Jack.”

“Please shut up because literally no one calls you that, you call yourself that.”

“I swear that’s what they call me!”

“And who gave you that nickname?”

“If it was someone other than my wife then that’s a problem. She’s called me that since forever.”

“What do you like about it?”

“It’s underrated on so many levels. I swear my triplets were conceived in missionary. Because here’s my thing, I’m face to face with her, at one point her ankles are going to be behind her head or on top of my shoulders and I’m going the fuck in.”

“Well damn, what’s her favorite position? I’m going to get her on here, but I want to hear it from you.”

“She likes to think that she’s in control, so she likes to ride me. But she knows who runs this shit. My kids aren’t the only ones who call me daddy.” Jack responded while smirking and all Alex did was playfully roll her eyes.

“Your wife is going to get you for that one and I’m going to let her have at it.”

“Yeah that’s how it all starts and it’ll end with me fucking her brains out like it always does.”

“You’re going to be in for it when this is over. Hmm, kinks?”

“I love praising her because I know it makes her reach her peak faster, but definitely a spit kink.”

“OH! TELL ME MORE! I am intrigued!”

“Alex, you are funny as shit.”

“I’m serious! Out with it.”

“Spitting in her mouth and watching her swallow it.”

“Are you sure you’re as vanilla as you say you are, because? Yeah I’m going to need wifey here to get her perspective. Do you think she’s ever faked an orgasm while you were in her? Would you be able to tell?”

“I know her body inside and out and she better not do that shit and have me find out about it. But, I don’t think she has.”

“Hand jobs, blow jobs?”

“Fuck yeah, I love me a good hand job or blow job.”

“Craziest place that you’ve gotten one or had sex period?”

“On a plane to Australia. We thought everyone was asleep, but of course everyone except Urb. This was what I meant when he is always getting caught in the middle of some shit that has nothing to do with him. It was difficult because I’m so tall, but we made it work.”

“What would an erotic vacation look like for you?”

“Definitely fucking her brains out non stop in some tropical ass location. We’re not leaving our room for the entire time that we’re there.”

“Ooohh, now if you could have sex in any location in the world, where would it be?”

“Hmm, I never really thought about it. Maybe some exotic ass shit like behind a waterfall or something. But, I was also thinking the white house lawn because I don’t mind an audience.”

“NOT THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN!”

“YOU ASKED!” 

“Have you ever had or thought about trying tantric sex?”

“I’ve never really thought much about it, but I would have to do my research. If wifey wants it, I’m down.”

“She really does wear the pants in your relationship, huh?”

“Alex, like I said before, you’re funny and no she doesn’t.”

“I literally do not think that anyone will agree with you. If I were to do a poll right now, everyone will probably say that she does.”

“I let her think that she does.”

“Mmm hmm, sure. Now what is your dirtiest sexual fantasy?”

“I don’t even know since I’m pretty adventurous when it comes to it and not many things are off limits.”

You had just gotten to the hotel that Jack was staying at while he was filming for his episode of the Call Her Daddy podcast when you decided to surprise him. He had been going non stop since the release of his new single and getting ready to go on The Kentucky Tour. 

Of course Urban was with him and sent you a text saying that he was almost done and you promptly took a quick shower and slipped on one of Jack’s favorite lingerie sets which happened to be black and purple. You threw on your black silk robe in case you got cold and simply laid out on the bed and played on your phone waiting for your husband. 

You had fallen asleep waiting for him when you felt him reach down and place a kiss on your lips and your eyes fluttered open.

“What are you doing here?” He playfully asked as he was now kneeling on the bed in front of you and playing with the ties on your black silk robe.

“I wanted to surprise my husband since he’s been working so hard and I figured you would want a little time to have me to yourself.” You answered while motioning for him to lean down so that you could kiss him which he quickly did.

As Jack deepened the kiss, he took the opportunity to undo your robe and took in the sight of you in front of him.

“A sight that I can never get tired of seeing.”

He started to kiss down your neck when you lightly pushed him away from you and flipped the two of you over as you went to undo his pants and slide down his boxer briefs.

“Last night on the phone with you wasn’t enough and I decided that I wanted you in my mouth as soon as possible.”

The night before, Jack was complaining about missing you so just like you had done many times before, you gave him a show which ended up with him cumming multiple times as he watched you. 

Jack had now tossed his shirt to the other side of the room and you had gotten his boxer briefs completely off before taking him in your mouth painfully slow making him grab the back of your head and buck his hips towards you.

“Baby, do not fucking tease me right now. All I basically did was talk about how good I fuck you in that podcast and we need to get to it before I fucking bust. This shit is starting to hurt and take that lingerie off.” Jack whined as you were making yourself comfortable.

Before taking him back in your mouth, you did as you were told.

“Patience, my love. You know that I’m always going to make it worthwhile.” You answered him as you went back to pleasuring him with your mouth and your eyes began to water as you felt him reach the back of your throat.

You were taking your slow sweet time and even though Jack was getting annoyed, he was in entirely too much pleasure to say anything at the moment knowing that when he finally did cum in your mouth that it would be worth it.

“Ahh fuck. Come on baby, go a little faster than that.” Jack pleaded with you, but then you took him out of your mouth and went to the edge of the bed and laid down upside down.

“Get over here and face fuck me then.” You said while giggling and Jack wasted no time getting in front of you and sliding himself back into your mouth while throwing his head back in pleasure.

“Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, ohhhh shiiiiit.”

Jack had now taken a hold of both sides of your face and began moving in and out of your mouth as you reached down to play with your clit knowing that if he saw you playing with yourself that he would cum faster.

“Come on baby, open that pretty mouth of yours wider for me. You can take more of me, you’re doing such a good job.”

You did as you were told and inserted two fingers while still continuing to play with your clit with the opposite hand as you felt the spit from your mouth leaking down the sides of it.

“You playing with your pussy for me? Add another finger for daddy.” 

Listening to Jack, you added another finger as he reached down to spit on your clit which made you increase the pace of your fingers.

You couldn’t help but to moan while Jack was still in your mouth and knew that you were going to reach your peak soon.

And as if right on cue, you heard Jack.

“Fuck, baby.” He tightly held onto you as you hit your peak and felt the cum shooting down your throat and out the sides of your mouth, but you continued sucking him off not showing him any mercy.

“Hold on!”

You shook your head no as you continued to move him in and out of your mouth, but finally let up when you felt another load shoot into your mouth and quickly swallowed it. Jack slightly moved away from you as you sat up and turned around to face him smirking.

“Wait until I get your ass for doing that.” Was all he said as you reached up to kiss him. You caught him off guard as you reached down and slowly began to jerk him off when he broke the kiss and looked down at you.

“Get your ass to the top of the bed and spread your legs so I have enough room.”

You moved until you reached the top as Jack hovered over you and simply looked down at you to admire you.

“What, babe?” You asked as you were now beginning to shy away from him, but all he did was lightly grab your face and kiss you.

“Nothing, it’s just my wife is so gorgeous and I’m about to have her screaming at the top of her lungs with how good I’m about to make her feel.” He answered as he began to rub small circles along your clit and reached down to kiss you while slipping his tongue in your mouth.

When you least expected it, he slowly entered you making you gasp against his lips which he quickly quieted you with another kiss as he began to move.

“Look at my pretty girl taking this dick.”

Jack then lifted your legs so that they were on the top of his shoulders and began pounding into you making you gasp as he caught you in another kiss.

“Shiiiit.” Was all you could mutter as you wrapped your arms around Jack’s neck as both of your noses were touching.

As Jack continued to keep the same pace, he kept his eyes on you and simply smirked.

“Open your mouth.”

You felt warm liquid slide down the back of your throat as he continued to move and place small kisses along your breasts.

On your right breast, he placed a small kiss and bit down and continued to suck on the same spot as you were letting out a series of curses and whimpers.

That was going to leave a mark, but you would deal with that later.

Jack then reached down to play with your clit and he quickly went to suck on your other breast knowing that he would have you come undone in front of him in less than a minute.

“Fuck, baby. Don’t stop, don’t stop.”

Jack then felt a rush of warm liquid hit the bottom part of his stomach and smirked as he reached up to kiss you.

As you were slowing down your breathing, Jack continued to rub small circles along your clit while kissing down your neck.

Once you felt that you recovered enough, you reached over to the bedside table and pulled out a bottle of lube that you had brought and handed it to Jack as you moved to get on all fours. 

All he did was smirk at you before opening the bottle as you were making yourself comfortable in front of him.

You had only done anal a handful of times, but you found yourself wanting it more and more lately and of course, Jack wasn’t opposed.

“Baby, remember you have to relax so I can get in easier.” You heard him say as he was getting ready behind you.

“Yes, I know.” You softly answered as you felt the tip.

Jack noticed he was meeting resistance so he added more lube and had you arch your back a little bit more before trying again.

He was moving in slowly and didn’t hear anything from you which had him concerned and he simply stopped.

“Baby, you okay? You aren’t saying anything.”

“I’m fine, just keep going.”

After a few minutes, he was fully in and gave you a minute to adjust and made sure that you were okay.

“You ready for me to move?”

All you did was nod towards him as you felt him moving in and out of you.

“You’re doing so good, you’re doing so good for me baby. Arch your back a tiny bit more.”

Complying, you slowly but surely started to notice how good it felt as Jack reached down and you felt him insert what felt like a vibrator in you. 

You had no idea when he had time to get it, but you weren’t in any way, shape, or form complaining. 

“Babeee, oh fuck.”

“Got a new toy to use on you.”

Between the vibrator and Jack pleasuring you, you felt your legs begin to get weak and the perfect arch that you had once had was forgotten as you were trying to hold yourself up.

Jack noticed this and instead of turning the vibrator down and decreasing his pace, he did the opposite and turned it up while increasing his pace making you scream out.

“Baby…. Mmm… fuck I can’t…”

“Yes you can and you will, arch your back for me. Such a good girl.”

Jack reached down to play with your clit and your orgasm hit you like a ton of bricks making you scream out as he slid out and released all over your back.

He then slid the vibrator out of you as you collapsed on your stomach and reached down to kiss your neck.

“You okay, down there? You were so good for me.”

You let out something of a groan letting him know that you were okay and he instantly laughed while sliding off the bed and pulling you by the ankles so that you were at the end of the bed and Jack was on his knees.

“Get on your knees for me because we are nowhere near done.”

This made you do a double take as you looked back at him in confusion.

“You didn’t think you were about to come all this way and I wasn’t going to taste my wife’s pussy, did you? Spread them damn legs.”

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[slvttyharlow]

𐑺 ˖ ࣪࿐ྂ SHE'S THE ONE — JACK HARLOW

new comment from; @comehomeimissyou. can you do jack realizing he has met his soulmate?

summary. jack notices just how much he needs you in his life.

warnings. fem!reader + fluff. wc, 618.

a note from sisi. im happy to finally put out something, it is short but it still something. im also working on other requests so can't wait to get those out. — masterlist / previous fic / taglist.

It was another late night at the studio where Jack was listening to tracks wanting them to sound perfect for his upcoming album.

You have been accompanying him to show him support, giving your opinion when it was needed, and you always did it with a smile on your face, reassuring him when he was way too in his head.

“But I remember when you used to be fanned out. I guess that when the whole world loves you. People only got one way to stand out. All that time in the kitchen finally panned out. I put some flavor in a pot and took the bland out,” Jack rapped while his fingers played with a toothpick, waiting for your input but silence met him.

“Babe?” His eyebrows furrowed together, confused on why you were so silent as you were just talking to him a minute ago but when he swiveled his chair to face you, he noticed you fell asleep on the couch.

A smile wore on Jack’s face as he got up from his chair, quietly walked over to you, putting his jacket over you to keep you warm before sitting back down in his chair.

Jack needed to finish this up so he can bring you home but he couldn’t help but to continue to look at your sleeping figure.

There was one thing Jack was sure of; if his career didn’t work out, he would have still had you by his side as you have always been there through everything.

You were his ride or die, Jack could not imagine a life without you. He was so into his thoughts that he didn’t notice the door to the studio open. “You good?” Urban questions as he notices how deep in thought Jack is as he sits in the chair right next to him.

“Yeah I was just thinking about something…” Jack trails off as something new pops into his mind, and before he goes to reveal what it was, he makes sure that you’re in a deep sleep so you wouldn’t hear the conversation.

Once he's in the clear, he takes a deep breath as Urban makes a blunt. "I'm thinking of finally proposing to [Name]."

"She has been there with me from the start,' Jack spoke as Urban listen quietly. "She always supported me even when there were times I doubted myself."

"About time," Urban blurt out, making Jack laugh. "I thought of doing it a long time ago but I didn't think I was ready and the thing with [Name], I didn't feel the need to rush into things which made me feel relax whenever I was around her."

"I don't think I can find another girl like her, nor do I think I can let her walk out of my life," he ramble as his eyes stay on you. "I want to give her my last name and then when it's time, start a family with her."

“I just need to get the ring and the perfect place to propose at.”

“Well you can scratch off at a football game, she thinks it cheesy and overdone,” Urban replies as he raises the spliff to his mouth.

Jack lets out a laugh at that. “Nah man it got to be special.” The sound of his laugh echoes through the room making your eyes flutter open, confused on what was happening and as soon as the sleep escapes you, you tune into their conversation.

“She’s definitely the one for me and nothing can change that.” A huge smile forms across your cheeks as you close your eyes back to make it seem like you were still sleeping and didn’t hear what he said.

chat. @livsters, @itsyagirljaz, @j0hkiya, @harlowarchives, @bernelflo @iheartharlow + @jackmans-poison.

— all rights reserved © HARLOWSTHETIC 2023-2024. all fanfics belong to me, do not copy, translate, repost nor recommend on tiktok any of the works seen here.

[claiestve]

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐄𝐱𝐢𝐭 ꨄ Alex

˜”* ❝𝙁𝙚𝙚𝙡𝙨 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙬𝙚 𝙝𝙖𝙙 𝙢𝙖𝙩𝙘𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙬𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙙𝙨 𝙗𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙚'𝙨 𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙗𝙡𝙖𝙘𝙠 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙗𝙧𝙪𝙞𝙨𝙚𝙙 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧𝙨 𝙞𝙨 𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙛𝙚𝙘𝙩𝙡𝙮 𝙛𝙞𝙣𝙚.❞

⎯⎯ ୨ ୧ ⎯⎯

ꜱʏɴᴏᴘꜱɪꜱ: ᴘᴀʀᴛ 2 ᴏꜰ ᴡᴇ ᴄᴀɴ'ᴛ ʙᴇ ꜰʀɪᴇɴᴅꜱ

⎯୨⎯ " " ⎯୧⎯

“So, what? You saw him?”

“Yeah, we bumped shoulders or something and I looked and realized it was him.”

“No fucking way? And then what?”

Well, there wasn’t much to it. You wanted to say he freaked out and stared at you blankly but that wouldn’t be the truth. When you looked up at him, you noticed someone by his side. She looked oddly familiar but you were so shocked about seeing Alex that you couldn’t even process. 

You wanted to act like you didn’t know who he was. You wanted to act like he was some stranger. You wanted to make him feel inferior to you. But, you couldn’t. The months you spent mourning your breakup didn’t exactly allow you to act like you didn't know him. Even when you thought everything was good now, it wasn’t. Well, you were happier, you had more important things you were worried about, but at the back of your mind, was him. 

“Apologies, I didn’t mean to bump into you, Alex.” 

He nodded as the woman next to him waited for him to catch up. It hurt so bad to see him not caring at all about you or the fact that you’re in front of him. He didn’t seem to care in the slightest. 

“It’s alright.” He would say before trying to catch up to the woman. You couldn’t let him walk away. But if you called out for him, would that put all of your healing to waste? Would that make you seem desperate? You will find out. 

“Wait! Don’t go…”

He turned around with the most clueless expression on his face. You already regretted this. You prayed to the man above that the woman he was with was not a new lover. You hoped she wasn’t some type of replacement.

“Um, are you two busy right now?” You tried to look him in the eyes but couldn’t.

“We just finished a meeting, we’re heading back now. Why?”

Okay, they’re not busy but… damn. You didn’t plan this out. Wait, a meeting? Like, they’re not dating? This was strictly business?

“Um,” The woman spoke up, “I can catch a ride nearby. You guys should catch up, it seems like you need to.”

She shot you a friendly smile and gave Alex a nod. Yeah, she knew and she happened to be so incredibly nice about it. Maybe this was all a mistake but, you needed this. 

Alex waved her goodbye before walking closer to you, “So, what is this about?”

You didn’t think that one through either. What was this about? You couldn’t tell him ‘Hey I’ve been thinking about you for so long and I finally got over you but then you randomly appeared so now we’re doing this’. That wasn’t exactly an option. 

“Just wanted to catch up. I mean, you’re here, I’m here, why not?”

“Listen, it’s great to see you again, but I don’t think we should. I’m still trying to figure things out, you’re probably still hurting, it’s–”

“Who said I was hurting? Last time I checked, the reason I’m even here is because I was taking myself out. I’m good, Alex. But if you want to make excuses just to not talk, be my guest.”

Yeah, that was not how that was supposed to go but you didn’t appreciate what he suggested. Yeah, you were hurting but not anymore. It was unbelievable, the audacity and confidence he had behind that when he could’ve just declined without reason. 

“So, did you walk away after that? There’s no way you two would’ve continued talking after that one.”

You re-positioned yourself on the couch and looked at your friend. There was a reason why you were getting comfortable. 

“Well…”

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈

hello... uhhh.... surprise???

ive been tuning into the recent rap beef with kendrick and drake while writing this so you know i was motivated.

[wayfayrr]

The Menace Anon heed your call and you choose "Lone Wolf" so here is something for you to read.

I got this idea from a book on Quotev called "Skipped Cutscene" from MayBeDragon12. And this book has an interesting feature. Reader is a Link, Wild to be specific, but it's not a Yandere Chain x Reader but a normal Chain x Reader. So I thought to myself, why not turn them into Yandere? So here we are. This is Sage!Reader and how I headcanon my TotK Link.

They loath Wild and Twilight.

They are different from Wild like a alternative universe, where Wild was never named Link. Or they are Wild and just said, that they aren't Link anymore.

Twilight was still their guide through the first adventure, though.

Twilight was confused as hell before feeling guilty. He feels guilty because he thinks he abandoned Ruins as they needed him the most, on their second journey, third if we count pre-calamity.

Wild is Pup, they are Pup Cub in his mind.

Ruins' Sword is a fused Master Sword, but to be specific a fusion of Gloom Sword and Master Sword. This Sword Fi doesn't react to the other heroes at all.

It's because of the Gloom Sword and the Gloom and Malice inside of Reader's blood.

Nobody but them can wield this sword properly because of the Gloom.

If you thought Legend took awhile to trust the Chain, he still doesn't trust them completely.

Well Ruins will not trust them for a loooonnnng time maybe even never.

Because I found the nicknames weird, I came with a new one "Ruins" as they literally are surrounded by them.

As for "Sage", it's kinda mean as they got the nickname because of the sages they wield?  So how about "Pilot"?

Their title is "Hero of Ruins" because they deserve one.

Twilight is always near them, he's trying to make amends.

Reader doesn't want that at all.

Reader doesn't want to be a hero anymore just Reader who lives in the outskirts of Tarrey Town.

As the Chain said, that they still are a hero, that they needed them to be the hero once again. Reader wanted to scream and blow up a goddess statue.

If the Chain want's to capture Reader to take them with them? A wild goose chase is going on.

They have a slide for snowy mountains and a makeshift skateboard for the hills and cars. And don't forget, that they can teleport.

It was one hell of a fight.

They would jump of Skyloft, without a care for the world. Twilight is losing it.

They are a savage bastard after all.

The best songs that fit Sage!Reader would be "Link up" the TotK Rap from Austin Simmon.

Now how they met.

Twilight PoV:

We landed in Hyrule again. At first Wild and I thought that we were in his, but his doesn't have any floating islands. So then we thought it was Sky's, which wasn't it either. So we came to the conclusion that it has to be a Hyrule shortly after Sky, maybe like 100 years? So we went to explore it, I had to catch Wild a few times as he tried to run off. He really acted like a pup. We saw a monster camp near us, so Warriors began to formulate a plan to annihilate them.

„Yeah... Forget about that, someone with a robot is going through this.“ We all turned around and looked at the said person which Four mentioned.

They wore a blue tunic with a hylian hood, and brown pants and boots. Finished with the camp, they started to build something, which reminded me of a carriage but it wasn't drawn by any horses, yet. They climbed onto the strange carriage and it drove... Without any horses or rails... They came to our direction and stopped sideways in front of us.

„Do you need help?“

„Do you know, where the next town is?“ Pup asked them.

They looked with the eyes to us before signaled us to come up to them.

„I can drive you to the nearest lookout from there your on your own.“

„That would be very appreciated.“ said the old man.

We climbed onto the vehicle and they drove with us off.

We tried to speak to them but they didn't budge. They kept silent, just looking at the road before them. We could see a wooden wall in the distance with the castle behind it. They stopped at the door and turned the carriage sideways.

„We are here, you're safe in there.“ They sounded annoyed and mumbled under their breaths profanities. So we jumped off and they drove off. I looked at them quite a while. They were so familiar...

"Why do I feel like I know them...?" I thought to myself.

I jumped out of my train of thoughts as Wild laid a hand on my shoulder.

„Twi, you alright?“ I looked at Wild.

„Yeah, everythin' is 'lright, just somethin' is naggin' me about them“

„What bothers you?“ I looked at Hyrule beside me.

„I don't know... It's like I know them, but we aren't anywhere near my Hyrule...“ I told them while we were walking inside the "lookout". We looked around, it was like Ordon a small little village not town or anything. Zora, Hylian, Rito and some Gorons were here and trained. We heard fast footsteps and before we could see, who it was, Wild laid on the ground with a girl with short blonde hair on top of him.

„Reader! Where have you been?! Purah and I were so worried!!!“ She released the Champion from her hug and as she saw her mistake. She stood up abruptly and went red.

„I'm So Sorry!!! I thought, you were someone else! ~But you wear a Champion's Tunic and the hood in your face... I really thought you were them...~ Again I'm sorry...“

„Sorry mylady, but who is that "Reader" and can we help you with them?“ asked Warriors while I helped Wild up.

„Reader is the Hero of Hyrule... They changed after this adventure... After they woke up inside the Shrine of Resurrection they were so openly friendly and curious like a little puppy hehehe... But after this one it was like that they went from the curious puppy to a distrusting lone wolf... They travel around Hyrule to find anything to soothe their pain... I know, I was at fault at that, I even took over their house... I want my best friend back... The only one, who understands me the most...“ She laughed sadly and looked at the ground. She had probably tears in her eyes.

„Do ya want us 'da look for them? Maybe even bringin' them back here?“ I asked her, while the boys looked shocked to me.

„You would do that? Thanks!! Oh... I didn't even asked you for your names. I'm Zelda from Hyrule, the princess and next Queen of Hyrule.“ she bowed down slightly. 

So we bowed down as well, before introducing us.

„Well, our name is Link, so everyone has a nickname. I'm Warriors, that's Time, Legend, Four, Hyrule, Wind, Sky, Twilight and the one you tackled is Wild. We are all heroes of Hyrule but from a different era.“ Wars introduced us by pointing to said person. The said person either bowed or nodded.

She nodded with a sad smile. „So you will take them with you, right? You are definitely not travelling just to have a vacation... They need to be a hero again, right...?“

The Captain nodded with a sad smile.

„The threat we're dealing with isn't easy to slay, we could need any helping hand, that we can find.“ My ancestor told the princess with a stony face, but his eyes reflecting the worry of the soon-to-be new addition to the group.

So we said her we help her and bring the hero here before we depart around Hyrule to find the shadow. We went out of the village and headed the way, that "Reader" drived off to. But they were much faster than we ever could be. So we crossed the bridge and saw a destroyed Talus with bodies of Bokoblins.

„Does that Talus look strange for you too?“ Wind asked as Wild rushed to it's side to investigate it.

„That's awesome! The Bokoblins took the Talus as a walking fortress!!“

„Their called "Battle Talus" and they are a real pain in the ass with the right monsters on it's head.“ We looked up the hill and saw the obvious hero of this Hyrule. They wore the Champion's Tunic with a leather armour over it, they wore the same cape as Wild but their's was more tattered and ripped at some parts. Their pants was a normal beige-brown with a ripped green tunic with Triforce symbols tied to their hip and hanged down sideways and heavy looking travel boots. Their hood hid their face even as they jumped down and slided down the cliff. They stopped before us and stood on the remains of the Talus.

„So what do you want? I heard you guys talking about me. So what is it?“

I looked in-between Wild and the newcomer and noticed something that made me a little dizzy.

"They have the same scent!! That's what's nagging me! That's why I had the feeling I know them!!" I thought and looked at the older copy of Wild, my pup.

They looked at me but they didn't seem happy like Wild always was as I appeared before him as a wolf. They seemed cold and angry and stepped aside as I tried to hug them. They are my pup, after all!

„Don't come near me, you mutt! I will behead you myself, if you try it again! You abandoned me as I needed you the most! As I stumbled around like a newly born fawn and crawled out of the shrine as I woke up, The Second Time! You weren't there! So do me a favour and get the fuck lost!!“ It hurts like hell to hear that from the one I took under my wing but I could understand it. I abandoned them...

„Is this how the old man felt as he heard that he abandoned Wind's time?“ was my first thought.

They acted so feral and snarled at me so I stepped back.

„I'll not tryin' 'da come near ya again, but please hear us out...“ The others looked shocked to my and my second pup.

„Spit it out, I still have things to do!“

„Stop acting like a child! What are you five?! You can't jus...“ Warriors was interrupted as the hero before us stripped off their tunic and hood.

We could see their arm. It wasn't their arm and it's reeking old magic while also reeking dark magic.

„Just what?! I lost my arm and got cursed!! I wander around Hyrule to find shrines to complete them under pain! Normal people would trying to bit their arm off! Under a blood moon I can feel the Gloom and Malice swirling in my blood!! If I could I would do Ganondorf a favour and jump off the next cliff!! Without the glider!!“ They put their clothes back on before walking away.

„Look for someone else to travel with you, I distanced myself from my so called "titel". I'm no hero anymore!“

With that the wild goose chase began and the Chain, especially Twilight, were hunting Sage!Reader like the monster hunted Hyrule on his journey. Reader really thought at first they were puppets but after some "investigation" or "stalking" they new they were the real deal. It didn't make it any better. After Reader is back from their forced fourth adventure, they can fix their house as that got rearranged during their fight against the Chain. During the journey many insults were thrown around, especially on Wild's and Twilight's head but since when is a Link known for giving up? Oh and what Chain tries to do with Reader so they stay? Well, trying to be the most trusted companion obviously. So now please help me stop Sage from beheading Legend with their bare hands.

okay so - I hate to start it like this (and feel a little bad because I did choose this) but I cannot handle sage anymore. There is a reason I stopped writing him, and had to block any tags to do with him - it isn't something I would like to take public though with all due respect. it is the reason why tears exists as a link that I now write for as my preferred totk link. So this was something that took me a bit to read through and I couldn't really read all of it. This is something that I should have made clearer on my blog however, and I'll take responsibility for that. but in the future I will ask to please not send me anything to do with that version of the character for my own sanity.

but the premise is really good! I love the idea of a reader being an alternate link and how it could impact their relationship with the chain

[thottybrucewayne]

A LIST OF PEOPLE WHO ARE GOING TO HELL: 2024 EDITION

Every zionist, duh, but esp yall who screenshot perfectly reasonable posts and go "Um, the look at this idiot who thinks genocide is wrong" yall make my ass itch and nobody takes you seriously, MOVE. 2. The entire U.S. government but esp Joe Biden that old ass man gettin spit roasted in hell (AND NOT THE FUN KIND!) 3. DIDDY AND EVERY SINGLE PERSON THAT PROTECTED AND DEFENDED HIM. 4. Tory Lanez whole family, his mama, his daddy, his dog? All them. 5. The nonblack people who run those Rap House Tv type blogs that are clearly trying to be shade room clones. 6. People who get all their news from the Shade Room and Whatsapp, sorry auntie, I'm sick of you tellin' me COVID can be cured by sticking cloves of garlic up my nose :/ 7. Every single one of you dirtbag leftist ass people, yall do nothing for nobody except you thousands of adoring "former nazi" fans that need to be told it's okay that they still say the n word in private. 8. N.O.R.E and every single hiphop "journalist" 9. Charlemagne Tha God and Dj Envy, they know why. 10. Everyone who made Ike and Tina jokes after Tina past away. Grow up. 11. You fanfic girlies. So many of y'all are seeing the lake of fire, But esp if you donate to ao3 or own ao3 merch. Like, that is just embarrassing. 12. It's 2024, If I see you coming up here saying shit like "Miku wroke harry potter!" or " Hello Kitty wrote Ofmed, actually" I'm sending you to hell myself. 13. Booktokers? This is yall the second year on this list, tighten the fuck up and stop being weird about strange men on the internet, now. 14. People who do LITERALLY NOTHING yet try to tell other people how to be activists. You contribute nothing to any conversation you're a part of, suck my dick from the back. 15. People who stopped masking because other people were making them feel bad. Fuck your mama not being able to see your smile, PEOPLE ARE DYING???? 16. Lana Del Ray and Taylor Swift. They know exactly what they did. 17. Every white girl on twt who tried to jump me cause I said the Barbie movie is white feminism at its finest. 18. Elon, you raggedy bitch. 19. Every single man who hit on me this year who isn't one of my friends. 20. People who don't know what transmisogyny means and make that everyone else's problem. I need yall to start reading so bad it's not even funny. 21. You "goth is a feeling" people. You gonna be "feeling" that hell fire nippin' at your ass, NEXT 22. You 35 defending fanservice of high schoolers in anime/manga all day every day...yeah, just get on down there, big fella. They waiting on you. 23. Cishet Black men on tiktok and twt who make it their life's mission to make an ass of themselves for minor ducats. You are a one-man modern-day minstrel show and you will be dealt with. 24. White Tyler The Creator fans. Y'all know what you do.

Dishonorable mentions: Shojo fans who never talk about the fucked up shit in the manga they recc you because "At least its not as misogynistic as shounen!" (yes, yes it is) Fashion tiktokkers I hate so many of you its not even funny Every person who put the image of T.D. Jakes getting his doonies beat down at a Diddy party in my mind. Like I literally never needed to think about that. My dad <3 and all my friends' dads. Patricide NOW!!!!! People who are still whining about having to boycott shut upppppp god damn. People who stare at me in public. You got a fuckin problem?????

That's a wrap! Here are the lists from last year and the year before feel free to add more in the tags <3

[zayphora]

honestly so many situations of showing your ass and making a fool of yourself on social media could be stopped by people just not feeling the need to publicly broadcast their opinions about things they don’t fully understand

im seeing all these posts about white people on tumblr saying stupid shit about rap and other genres pioneered by people of color and getting rightfully roasted, and every time something like this happens im just like. so many people could stop from looking foolish if they stopped and thought for a second.

I’ll be the first to admit i don’t know much about rap for example myself, and I understand it’s a genre and culture that I as a white person am an outsider to. (i need to listen to more of it to develop an opinion actually.) so I don’t go around having broad sweeping public opinions about it or blabbing about it, or anything else that isn’t my purview rly.

so often i see ppl getting dunked on for things they couldve avoided getting dunked on if they just kept their takes to themselves or kept them in the oven until they understood more about the world around them. social media rly does incentivize shooting ur mouth off and it Sucks

I guess in some ways people getting publicly roasted is good because they wouldve just kept the dumb opinions otherwise / maybe it will cause other ppl to reconsider. but it also makes me feel like man these people aren’t going to learn they’re just going to get embarrassed / mad. and idk in some ways they just deserve mockery, regardless of whether it’s productive, but idk.

I forever wish there were better ways to communicate online that didn’t make people into mega fool examples for having bad, ill-thought-out, uneducated, ignorant, etc takes. but until that gets invented I feel like we all could benefit from just keeping our mouths shut more. maybe I will find that this post is a thing I should have kept my mouth shut on and delete it (and I will if sometime tells me to) but yeah. tldr: we should all think before we post

[gyorogyoro]

Tomodachi Life Mii Dump

A bit different than my usual posting but feel free to take these Miis for yourself. I just evicted half of the residents from my island, who had almost filled up the entire building. It's why I don't make OCs. They can be edited in case you want to change some features. May add more codes to this post some other time.

Concert Hall Song Collection

Might as well turn this into another masterpost. Note that some songs are character-specific.

Metal

Ass on Fire

Somebody come help・My ass is on fire・It’s burning like hell・I drop to my knees・Don’t know how to roll・So I stop and・Let the flames eat my ass・Until all’s left is ash

It’s Not Great To Be King

It’s not great to be king・When your knights are complete dumb asses・Like what the fuck?・Can this get any worse?・This is why I’m going to・Execute them・I am too proud for this・Worthless boy band shit

Threat Level Egg

Oh my god what just happened?!・The almighty Beast King got martyred!・It's that bald dude・What the hell is he?!!・I'll just dig myself・out of this horror.・I hope he won't find me・and martyr me too.

Pop

Beaky Chibi (Djehuty)

I judge people・That's what I do・I'm pretty good at it・The book says we need to play nice・But bawkak!・Who listens to・the book, am I right?・I make things go BOOM!・Boom boom boom! Pew pew pew!・Nun deez fools know how to have a gud time・Do you want some buk?

Mr. Saddlebags

Di de di da・Di de doe doe・Di ba di de doe・Di de de di de doe day・That's it!・Yeehaw! Ha!・Ha! Here we go!・Di ba di de doe・Di de di da di de doe・Di de de di de de doe day・That's all there is to it!

Salad Bar (Sutekh)

I love eating・tossed salads・with their leafy goodness.・Yeah yeah you know that it's true!・Yummy!・Oh my I love eating greens・especially lettuce・although this dressing tastes weird.・WAIT A MINUTE, THAT'S NOT SALAD DRESSING!・HERU, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!

Young Beauty

How do I look?・Yes, I'm rich!・Watch and learn!・Aren't you an adorable thing・Darling・You're not ready・For what you are about to face・I give the orders!・Keep young and beautiful・Forbidden fruit's the most tempting...・Victory looks good on me!

Rock & Roll

Freedom Retriever (Anpu)

You lookin' for・some freedom kid?・Let's light 'em up!・It's so glorious!・Rockets red glare.・Bombs burstin' in air!・The bigger they are・The harder they fall・Freedom never dies・Stars and stripes forever!

Return The Slab

The Man in Gauze・The Man in Gauze・King Ramses・He’s no Santa Claus・Return The Slab・Or I send the curses・First comes the flood・Then plays my song・No stoppin’ these locusts・Until you return my damn slab!

Trash

Taking the trash・Out to the dumps・It stinks like ass・Out in the dumps・Debris starts driftin'・Scraps start scatterin'・Rubbish starts rollin'・Garbage starts gatherin'・Get out the way・Lest the trash thrashes you down

Rap

Heavy Hitter (Anpu)

Everyday's a hustle!・My life's a bustle!・Only one man leaves this ring!・Get knocked out.・I ain't done yet・You started this fool.・This hood ain't safe!・Yo momma so ugly・She turn Medusa to stone・Them streets are dangerous・Gotta keep up these gains・Keep on keepin' on・Nothing two fists can't take!

Sandstorm (Sutekh)

Run them thru, run them thru・My wrath is unleashed・Face the crushing sands・Do you feel that?・The sands stirring・To stand against me・is to stand against the sands・Through chaos and strife・The strong survive・I see the path ahead!・The age of Set's begun!・My power’s unbounded・All hail Lord Set!

Ballad

Love, Sacrificed

If everyone saw you how I did・Maybe they too will shed tears for you・An innocent punished・for sins not of his own・If only l'd been there to halt・Your greatly undeserved demise・You'd still be here with us・Alas...・The witch has hunted you・So I'll seek her・And I'll slay her・To avenge・My love

Opera

Jackal Knight (Anpu)

I aim to serve・the royal king・I playeth well wit sword・None shall pass・I shall giveth thee a warrior’s death・Thou shalt suffer!・To hell with thee!・I shall guard my king・and realm at any cost・Charge, my brethren・Die by mine own sword!

Judgement Day (Djehuty)

I have been charged・With judging their fates・& have found them guilty・Now you die・Your day of judgement is nigh・So many names・In the dead book・Give me the bird’s-eye view・Let us do this by the book・Fight the judge of・the dead and fall

Mad Alice

You fear the truth・You live in shadows・retreat into the sterile・safety of your・own self-delusions・or risk inevitable・annihilation・If you destroy me・you destroy yourself・You'll lose yourself・forever

Techno

Death Sentence (Anpu)

With this I bring death・Come look into my eyes and・Gaze upon death itself・I must hurry・My enemies await judgement・You've been judged・Your heart weighs・heavy with greed・Now join me in the・realm of the dead・let the eternal darkness embrace you

Musical

Beauty of the Beast

Look around you there are creatures・of all sizes and shapes.・Isn't that wonderful・to behold the beauty・in even the strangest of beasts?・The beauty that ends up・becoming too much.・Nooo, take it all back!・Can't feel this way oh no・I'm hot for monsters!

K9 (Anpu)

I need everyone to stay calm・Let's bust some crooks!・All gods are equal in・the eyes of the law!・Anything you say can and will・be used against you.・Don't do the crime・if you can't do the time.・I'm too old for this.・Anyone got a donut?

The Great Circus Roast

Are you ready for the best roast・of the Cirque des Cartes?・As the circus ringleader・I am quite excited・So get ready viewers・The roast will start now・Cerebella's a whore・Feng's a flatbread・Beatrix is a bitch・Taliesin's a fuckboy

Use a Line (Confessions)

Dump the Chad and get yourself a Vlad.

[eleven441]

Dance WWE Dance

"Hey , you okay?" It was Jey he came to see what was going on. " Watha hell happened here. Oh..." He clearly didn't need any explanation... "It was..." before I finished, he said " Rhea , right?"

His brown eyes just looked deep into mine as he smirked. Our eyes locked for about a minute. If I remember (hee hee). "Yeah Yeah , it was ... it was Rhea" I said in a very disappointed tone. So I just looked down but I could feel his eyes staring at me.

"Come on Uce, you can't let her pick on you like that. You need to learn to stand up for yourself... aight ?" I sighed and looked at him. " I try to man , but the thing is , we in the middle of a war. I don't wanna start no trouble. It's just I'm to soft and innocent in your understanding"

Jey looked at me with a smirk. " Yeah , you the sweetest little cherry I've ever seen. Umm look I have something to tell you". He pulled up my chin ,Gazing into his eyes again. " What is it" I asked.

Suddenly someone had to rudely interrupt. Seth FREAKIN Rollins. " Oh ... Sorry to interrupt but umm , I have some unfinished business with Tenaya or should I say the 'Sweet Little Cherreeeeey' hahaha"

I had to go , Seth and I had to go sort out group orders who were dancing first second then last. I looked back at Jey he looked disappointed, he usually doesn't make that face. " I gonna get back to you , yeat?" He looked at me and just responded "Yeat" I'd call him when I'd get home.

**********************************************

" Seth , what is Soo important I need to get home and rest ... Ugh" he rolled his eyes and we just continued walking... "Alrighty I have something to show you, the new Smack Down manager is planning something big. I don't know what it is but it's big and bad"

I looked at the video footage and was shocked...

**********************************************

I was exhausted. I got home and threw my bag on the carpet. Jocelyn , my tabby cat came to snuggle next to me. She gave me a meeeooow... " Yeah , Yeah , Yeah I'm gonna take a shower.

So when I got to the bathroom I looked at myself in the mirror , tiered. I pulled down my shorts and my lace panties. I then kicked them stepped out of them. Then I took off my hoodie , slowly pulled of my T-shirt and then as I was taking off my bra Jey's face appeared in my mind.

"Nah , man" I told myself , he's just a friend. So I got in the shower and turned the nob "Holy sh*t" It was blazing hot. So I turned it to a much better temperature. As I was showering I could see Jey in my thoughts...

"Mmmm" I moaned to myself , as I touched my nipples while bitting my lower lip. "Jey!" I moaned louder as I could imagine him teasing me... I don't know what I was thinking , so I slid my right hand downwards. To my stomach then lower to my count.

I just rubbed it , teasing it as I imagined Jey licking my neck. I remember his gaze, his lovely brown eyes , his dark , beautiful Samoan hair , his lovely tattooed mascular arms and biceps and OOO his rock hard abs.

I could imagine him working out. How sweaty he'd be. " Oh yes , Jey!!!" I moaned louder as I gave my pussy a second finger. I slid it in and started moving it in a circular motion as my thumb was on my cunt.

I REALLY NEED TO SQUIRT ... You know a release (right girls 😉). All of those thoughts were running through my head. I could start to see... Colours? Looked something like ugly artwork made buy a British mime.

Then ... I squirted. My chest felt heavy and the breaths I inhaled were heavier. I could hear my phone ringing from my room. I cleaned up rapped my towel and got out of the bathroom...

It was Jey calling

"Hi Jey"

"Yo wassup , Uce "

"Nothing much , big dawg. Just came from taking a shower. You?"

"Just watching some 22:00pm Telenovela , yuck."

I giggled quietly to myself.

" Wait , you said you came from taking a shower right???"

"Yeah , why?"

"mmmm , I wish I could join you"

I bit my lower lip and smiled

" So there was something you wanted to tell me ?"

"Uh yeah , yes yes yes.."

How'd y'all like that one ...

What was your favorite part?

Wanna know more , don't worry we're getting closer..🥴😼

[imustbenuts]

A translation off the original text hosted at genius.com. Translated text will be highlighted with this color. This song has been stuck in my head for years! A LOT of liberties taken bc I really want to preserve the rap as much as i can (and potentially mess it up ;; if this can be improved in anyway please let me know)

[Intro] B-O-S-S until I fuckin' die (Die) B-O-S-S still wanna wanna kill some more B-O-S-S until I fuckin' die (Die) B-O-S-S still wanna wanna kill some more I am the boss here, B-O-S-S Look at my necklace, ayy, it do be shine, eh I am my sensei, teachin' me fight, ayy Can't give up, yeah, this a game, yeah

[Refrain] Wow that's crazy, how'd you pull that off? So I'm asked but hell if I even know myself I gonna hit you like kamikaze, whoever you are I feel nothing, I feel nothing

[Verse 1] (Hold up, hold up) Why can't I be like the [ ] with the silver face? I just want to live my life at my own fuckin' pace I'm tired of being from the human race If God the judge, then help a [ ] beat the fuckin' case (Woo) Why can't I be like the [ ]with the silver face? Stompin' [ ]down, puttin' [ ]in they place And my skin so brown, you might think it chocolate cake But life ain't sweet, my [ ], I'm just gettin' to the cake (Ayy) I'm the underdog (Underdog), ignore my fate (Ignore my fate) Never gave a fuck (Nah, nah) in the first place (First place) I'm just gettin' buck (Gettin' buck) like I'm Silver Face (Silver Face) I'm just diggin' in the motherfuckin' record crate That pussy sweet on the first date (Uh) I ain't had shit on the dinner plate (Woo) The boss man shitted on my fuckin' chestplate (Uh) Thinkin' way too hard, I think I over contemplate

[Chorus] On your mark, get set Go run straight ahead On your mark, get set Go higher than higher On your mark, get set Go run straight ahead On your mark, get set Go higher than higher On your mark, get set Go run straight ahead On your mark, get set Go higher than higher On your mark, get set Go run straight ahead On your mark, get set Go higher than higher

[Post-Chorus] It's ending, this world, and in this dangerous world right now Take your finger off the trigger, I'm not really a killer I just came to figure how to make my life better Run away, I am legging it Here on out, I wanna make it better

[Verse 2] Marason with the my bro, marathon with the my bro B-O-S-S dig it love it a preachy psycho Personal chauffeur after shitfaced? Ain't got that, y'know I don't gonna lie, yo, this here is my zone

[Refrain]

Wow that's crazy, how'd you pull that off? So I'm asked but hell if I even know myself I gonna hit you like kamikaze, whoever you are I feel nothing, I feel nothing

[Verse 3] Courage in my right love in my left hand Don't need either I just need that freedom Give me a chance to run and I'll run You realize too is this too real Goals' in sight and your body's fluttering out like an extinguisher barely putting up any fight Marason solo play like an exhausted school principle in conbini relaxing for sabbatical Screwed up is this world, don't have vocabs Red bandana, shot straight into your heart Anyway you just don't cry, don't cry Play's an impossibility, this is real world game

[Verse 4] I understand [ ], I got it Copy that bitch, I be on it Things I don't know, I don't really trip about it Criminal stuff, I don't fuck with that (Woo) What it do? What it do? What it do? What the fuck you on? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? You know where I'm from But I don't know where the fuck I be from I cannot believe what the fuck I have become (Ayy) Pull up, pull up, pull up, pull up, I be runnin' wild NaniNaniNaniNaniNani, I'm the devil's child Arigatou, bitch, beat that pussy up I'm on a roll, bitch, Neo Tokyo A future exists we be wildin' out, A future exists we be wildin' out Pull up, pull up, pull up, pull up, I be runnin' wild NaniNaniNaniNaniNani, I'm the devil's child

[Chorus] On your mark, get set Go run straight ahead On your mark, get set Go higher than higher On your mark, get set Go run straight ahead On your mark, get set Go higher than higher On your mark, get set Go run straight ahead On your mark, get set Go higher than higher On your mark, get set Go run straight ahead On your mark, get set Go higher than higher

[Post-Chorus] It's ending, this world, and in this dangerous world right now Take your finger off the trigger, I'm not really a killer I just came to figure how to make my life better Run away, I am legging it Here on out, I wanna make it better

[sugar-omi]

aaaaaa thank you im really glad you like it (both the writing and drawings aaa)!! 🥺👉👈 if you want to share the link you want, but i appreciate you making sure if i was okay with it first! 💕

i want to draw some stuff with cove and his experiences with the timeline reset stuff and i will send it your way if i do 😭😭😭

aND AOUGH I FEEL THAT SO MUCH,,, ricky montgomery, cavetown, and mxmtoon (and also conan gray!) give me so many fcuking emotions when i think about different characters and scenarios. also line without a hook makes me think about cove and aaaaaa

oh and one more brainworm i had sdfklj like i thought about mc when you mentioned them and how theyre like just vibing with qiu and tamarack in golden grove and i think that like,,,,one of the differences that makes them and jamie/frankie different is that they dont have the continued experience of baxter just slipping through their fingers all the time, with cove he was always there, he was a constant for them. jamie/frankie constantly fears losing the person they love the most and always ending up alone, while mc doesnt have that inherent fear. i really can see mc having told cove that they would always look for him at the end of watching that play at the theater and they absolutely mean it and they hold onto that tiny hope somewhere in them that even though they feel like something is off or missing that they will find it, they just have to keep trying (if they have the shell/friendship bracelet too this also helps i think in reassurance that what they feel inside isnt just their imagination, it isnt just a dream) - 🕐

ofc!! <3 everyone needs to see it its so AAAA my brain worms are worming today too omg *link

omg not conan gray

I love him but he makes my heart hurt!!!! some of his songs are my family issue anthems like pls!! that man is a genius

also yeah!!! I thought the parallel was brilliant if I may say so myself 😎

mc!2 always worrying abt losing someone close to them, even after years of being together n things being good, sometimes the fear strikes them. they'll wake up several times in the middle of the night just to check cove is there...

whereas mc!1 is always filling themselves w baxter. being with him, touching him, doing things for him. just making everything about him, consuming him and everything he is because he's everything they've been missing and what's making them feel whole, he's what they've been looking for and they're going to make sure they never feel empty ever again.

also I love going to see a play w cove!!! I always choose it. I believe in reincarnation n I want cove to have that assurance too 🥹

mmm I'm tryna think abt my cove song

I'd say nonsense by Sabrina carpenter I think. ngl I mainly listen to sex songs or sad songs, rap, or emo/punk 💀💀💀 n pop n indie ofc

my taste is limited lately lol I'm very picky

OMG SZA'S "SPECIAL" IS SO THIS AU?? or it could be the og leaving cove for baxter spiral.... it kinda fits maybe "far" fits this reset au better? mmm

[moonvalecrossing]

Alright, top 3 favorite and least Gym Leaders of Paldea?

Hell yeah Fam lets do this! PROBABLY MORE SCARLET AND VIOLET SPOILERS KIND OF. THIS IS YOUR ONLY WARNING. Also unpopular opinions probably! I aint stopping you from liking what you like. Nobody attack me for the following!

Favorites first.

#3. Kofu. I like the colors in his design. I like that he's a friendly old man. I also liked how they used him to introduce a side activity in the game that I might otherwise have completely passed by. Even though I wound up climbing the mountain around Cascarrafa in order to get to the other town he went to because I was scared to cross the desert and run into the part of Arven's quest that was out there. I want to try his cooking.

#2. Grusha. The last gym leader is always supposed to be the strongest and I did not expect to find the Ice Type gym in this slot. Of course, but his point in the game I was a tad over leveled. By this point in the game, even when I was swapping out and training entire teams for a gym/team star/legend battle I was already thinking about what mons I'd take to the elite four and any other endgame stuff so I already had a pretty good party set up. I sorta pulled the rug out from under this cool cucumber's sassy ass. It was absolutely adorable how he was clearly embarrassed when our character asks for a picture with him after earning the badge.

#1. Larry. Larry is we all. All of us are Larry at some point. This man is so tired you guys. He just wants to get his job done. He didn't want to be a gym leader, he's just really good at it so that's his job now. The poor thing is even one of the elite four. How did they manage to make a tired salaryman a pokemon trainer? I don't know but I'm so happy he exists 10/10 I would hang out and share a meal with him when he had some time off.

Honorable mention: Ryme. Her hair is dreadlocks shaped like skeleton parts. She's a rapping old lady and that is rad as FUCK. Yes, queen! SLAY! RAISE THE DEAD. NECROMANCY!! The only thing I didn't like about her design was the fact the people who made her model made her dress so damn tight that you could see her navel through the fabric as well as the damn creases where her thighs meet her abdomen. Not even rapping grandmothers are safe from the male gaze anymore, folks. Every woman wears vacuum sealed plastic in the future.

Now the least favorites! Preface: I don't HATE these characters. Well besides the unlucky duck who's sitting at the top of the #1 slot. I kinda really hate them but we'll get to that. <3

#3. Brassius. PUT DOWN YOUR PITCHFORKS, DID YOU SKIP THAT PARAGRAPH UP THERE JUST NOW? I don't hate him. But... I don't really like him too much either. I want to, don't get me wrong. I'm a sucker for artist characters. I've always considered myself an artist. But... this guy is a lot of what I hate about artist characters. A bit abnormal? The dude was standing on the damn windmill before the battle started and implied he watched us collect those sunflora from all the way up there. He uses the word 'avant-garde' way too much. Also, gonna say it now. His pieces of art aren't that great. He's got like 200 of the same sunflora statue all over Artazon. It's not even that impressive of a statue. Just slightly exaggerated of a regular Sunflora. And whatever that other work is supposed to be... yes, okay sure Brassius is such a skilled artist that his weird thorn ring thing needs to be shown on billboards all over that one city. At least they decided to give the multiple copy pastes of this piece different colors. And then there's the class he joins in during Mr. Hassel's teachings at school. If you pick the wrong emotion when he asks how he was feeling when he made that damn sunflora statue? "No no no... completely and utterly wrong!" Look here you avant-asshole. If there's one thing that really rustles my jimmies its 'artists' who get offended at someone having an incorrect interpretation of your art. You made a mildly constipated looking sunflora statue, not some great piece depicting Arceus mourning over having no choice but sealing Giratina away. Get out of my art class before you spread your bad personality to the younger students. Don't glare at me when those creepy eyebrowless eyes. You look 24 going on 79. Burgh will always be the superior artistic gym leader!

#2. Tulip. Okay, so overall I love this woman's design. Well besides whatever the Kentucky fried fuck is going on with her eyelashes. Like, goddamn woman. Stay away from open flames they might catch fire. How do you hold you eyes open with that much weight on them? However, the design is about all I like about her. We're introduced to her gabbing on her phone. She's not thinking about the gym battle she's about to be challenged to, oh no. She's too busy planning out a makeup line with someone. And this cake-up faced woman has the gall to decide the tagline for this new line of cosmetics should be 'naturally beautiful'. Uh, honey, no. Please do not enforce the idea that 'natural' beauty needs eyeshadow, mascara, lipstick, and the whole nine yards. It's bad enough that women end up trapped in a Schrodinger's Box of being 'slutty' and 'fake' if they wear too much makeup, or looking like a corpse or they're sick if they don't have enough makeup on. When she finally deigns to get off the damn phone she's quick to let you know that being gym leader is just a side gig and that her make focus is all about makeup. She then calls our character cute and says that her ESP training made us all the more beautiful. Woman your challenge was possibly my least favorite of all of the gym challenges. It was obnoxious and all it made me feel was a strong desire to have my Annihilape break your nose. And when we finally beat her? One of the first things she says is that she should take you under her wing before we find our big break somewhere else. You stay away from me, lady. This tube of purple lipstick is all I want in life. Oh, and I hope you trip on your heels when you get back to your absolutely packed schedule. Seriously, don't quit your day job. Quit your side gig. Let me battle someone with a better personality. Also? Ryme's got better taste in makeup than you.

#1. Iono. I hate this child. I hate this child so, so much. Gamefreak did an amazing job of recreating everything I hate about the stereotypic streamer girl persona. LOL SO CUTE AND RANDOM INTRODUCTION? Punny name? Oh, Iunno, looks like it! A weird-ass crazy vtuber design? Hot damn this kid's got it all! It's a good thing she's got simps like Electro King throwing money at her because after she filed her teeth down to get those absurd spikes her dental work must be an absolute nightmare. Like Tulip, Iono is clearly more focused on her job outside of working as a gym leader. She only cares about how many views you can get her. She even says as much before introducing her gym 'challenge'. We can't 'collab' with her unless we play a cheap man's version of where is waldo with some random guy she pulled off the street (who luckily just so happened to be someone we could easily recognize). If we can't get this narcissistic cotton candy brat the views she wants, we'll fail. Were I actually in this universe, my gym challenge would have ended right here because I would have called her out on that shit, walked right out of the gym, filed a complaint with the league, and bought tickets to the furthest away region I could as well as got my legal name changed as soon as I touched down. I'll be carrying my best pokemon on me at all times because there's no way in hell I'm getting jumped by rabid manlets because I called out their waifu. My brother keeps telling me she's a grown ass woman. Yeah, okay. I don't care how many thousands of years old that dragon loli is she looks like a child. The final cherry on this sundae is how she signs off after losing her gym battle. I'm guessing she's supposed to do that heart symbol with her hands as the camera zooms in on it but, unfortunately, her designers decided to give her some bigass sleeves that cover her hands. So in that split second zoom we get, all I saw was the camera zoom in on this child-looking streamer's non-existent boobs. Fantastic and not the least bit unfitting. I bet Electro King had more pokebucks for her after that one. Also she did what I absolutely hate and had an electric type that's immune to ground types because of FUCKING LEVITATE. Fuck. I hate that ability so goddamn much. How dare you make me dislike Mismagius in any way.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

[pesterloglog]

Dave Strider, Dirk Strider, Jake English

Meat, page 5

DAVE: bro im watching you on the tube and i gotta say

DAVE: while the beatdown you just received was as thorough as it was humiliating im afraid as usual the solution to this problem should probably not involve your decapitation

DAVE: you fucking drama queen

DIRK: Damn.

DIRK: Are you sure?

DAVE: yeah

DAVE: jake just kicked your ass

DAVE: thats really all there is to say on the matter

DIRK: You’re probably right.

DIRK: But still not entirely sure we should be so quick to rule out my beheading as a catchall solution to any given problem.

DIRK: It really could save us all a lot of trouble in the future. Especially me.

DAVE: its really amazing how this meme we have going here continues to be exactly as funny as the day it was established

DIRK: Isn’t it always though?

DAVE: yeah

DAVE: by the way

DAVE: how DID you get your ass kicked so bad

DAVE: jake sucks and his raps are fucking awful

DAVE: please tell me this garbage show is as rigged as it looks

DIRK: Dave, there’s such a thing as showmanship.

DIRK: I’m sure I don’t need to explain this to you, of all people.

DAVE: ok cool its fake just making sure

DIRK: Sigh.

DIRK: We really don’t like to use that word.

DAVE: lmao ok

DIRK: Holding back a little to achieve certain results doesn’t necessarily mean you’re participating in a farce or rigging the event.

DIRK: We do this all the time. We hold back our thoughts, our true feelings, our full potential. We disguise how much we know about what and when, for many purposes. To ease relations, to let others behave naturally and make up their minds without undue intervention. To wait for the right moments to show our hands, to pick our battles.

DIRK: In life, there are many reasons to show restraint, which would never be regarded as an attempt to rig reality.

DAVE: oof

DAVE: my dog you are full of some SHIT today arent you

DIRK: Absolutely.

DIRK: And when it comes to theater, there are just as many reasons for restraint. To build tension. To set the stage. To give the people someone to root against.

DAVE: is that what youre doing now

DAVE: making people root against you

DIRK: What, by losing a round? No, man. That’s just standard pacing stuff when it comes to battlecraft.

DAVE: no i mean by holding up the whole fight by talking to me

DAVE: i can see you on tv

DAVE: theyre booing you dude

DIRK: Oh.

DIRK: Then yes, I guess that is what I’m doing.

JAKE: Dirk are you going to be much longer with your telephone call?

JAKE: The crowd is getting feisty... you didnt get too badly winded from our last scrum did you dirk?

DIRK: Haha, no Jake. I’m fine. I’ll just be a minute.

JAKE: What about the agitated rabble? Theyre starting to throw things.

DIRK: I don’t know. Do a dance or something. Sing a song.

DIRK: They love anything you do.

JAKE: Ummm.

JAKE: Ok sounds stupid but ill try.

DAVE: why do you want people to hate you so much

DAVE: its fucked up

DIRK: You’re reading way too much into it.

DIRK: If I wanted another round of embarrassingly indulgent and mutually masturbatory psychoanalysis, I would have called my daughter instead.

DAVE: hm

DAVE: do i need to point out how fucking weird what you just said was or can that start going without saying at this point

DIRK: I think it can go without saying.

DAVE: nice

DIRK: The point is, playing myself up as a villain figure in this hacky rap pageant has nothing to do with getting people to dislike me. Besides, everyone loves a good villain. When they boo, they don’t really mean it.

DIRK: I think you’d be surprised by how popular I actually am.

DAVE: i dunno man

DAVE: did...

DAVE: did someone just throw a diaper at you

DIRK: There’s gonna be some diapers, yeah.

DAVE: sounds bad

DIRK: The point is, this is much less about me, and more about providing a foil for Jake’s heroism and charisma.

DIRK: It’s very important that his popularity continues to be cultivated, to maximize his political capital.

DAVE: political capital

DAVE: what the fuck are...

DAVE: ok how long have you known about the jane thing

DAVE: i mean is this something you have been planning for like

DAVE: a long time or

DIRK: Planning is such an intense word.

DAVE: god damn it

DIRK: Look, let’s just say there have been some conversations.

DIRK: Does that meet with your approval?

DAVE: jane is a shitty candidate dude

DAVE: shes going to be so shitty

DIRK: I thought you’d feel that way.

DIRK: I respectfully disagree.

DAVE: i get shes a good friend of yours and all but even you have to admit how far up her own ass she is

DIRK: Of course. I consider it to be among her best qualifications for the job.

DAVE: christ

DAVE: ok if nothing else have you at least taken into account the DEVASTATION to the economy this will cause???

DIRK: You know perfectly well how much we differ on fiscal policy.

DIRK: Maybe this isn’t the best time for one of our epic debates on the subject?

DAVE: yeah what was i thinking

DAVE: wasting the time of the dude currently holding up a televised rap contest so bad hes gettin diapers thrown at him

DIRK: Dave, I think if you search your soul, you’ll come to the same conclusion I have. Jane is just what this planet needs.

DIRK: We’ve all had our fun here, but it’s easy to overlook the fact that civilization on Earth C is hardly a sustainable proposition.

DIRK: Just beneath the surface, it’s quite a dangerous and unstable place.

DAVE: i know that

DAVE: which is why actually i think it would be cool to have a president that is good instead of bad

DIRK: He’s not as great as you think.

DAVE: what

DAVE: who

DAVE: obama??

DAVE: how dare you

DIRK: No, fool.

DIRK: Karkat.

DAVE: oh

DIRK: I think your heart is in the right place, but the dude is a complete amateur.

DIRK: He’ll get eaten alive. I also have a hard time imagining he even wants the job.

DIRK: Really, it’s an awful idea for him to even run. Think about how much it’s going to inflame the interspecies tensions on this planet. Is that what you want?

DIRK: I’m happy for both of you, really. It’s nice that you encourage and support each other in this way. But you’re sending him on a fool’s errand which can only end badly.

DAVE: wait

DAVE: how do you even know hes entering the race

DAVE: we like just decided this

DIRK: A competent political operative has his ways.

DIRK: Besides, it was always pretty obvious to me you’d react this way the moment the announcement was made.

DAVE: ok thats kinda creepy i guess but it doesnt change anything

DAVE: hes running for president and hes going to fuckin win end of story

DIRK: Fair enough.

DAVE: though now im wondering

DAVE: since you and jane have been planning this for a while how many key endorsements have you locked up

DAVE: cause if youve already got jake on your side then i guess we might as well just fucking quit

DIRK: I wouldn’t worry about that.

DIRK: He and I don’t quite have the rapport we once did.

DIRK: He’s “over me” and doesn’t spare opportunities to make ostentatious demonstration of this claim.

DAVE: um

DIRK: Basically he doesn’t like being told what to do. Especially not by me.

DIRK: So it’s fair to say as of now, he’s still fully in play.

DIRK: Not that I should be encouraging you, really.

DAVE: you are one doubletalking son of a bitch you know that

DAVE: i cant tell if you dont want us to run or are reverse psychology mindfucking us into running

DIRK: Does it matter?

DAVE: i guess not

DAVE: not like i can just stand around and wait for president crocker to like

DAVE: write fucking grammar laws into the constitution

DIRK: Good.

DIRK: That’s a heroic attitude to have, which I’m pleased to hear. Even if your plan is stupid, which it is, and even if Karkat would be an atrocious president, which he would.

DAVE: nuh uh

DIRK: Sorry to cut this short, but diapers are starting to come down pretty hard right now, and some of them haven’t even had their babies removed.

DAVE: what

DIRK: That was a joke.

DIRK: Goodbye, Dave.

DIRK: Sorry for the momentary diversion, Jake. Now where were we?

JAKE: Momentary??? Gadzooks man you were on the phone for half a friggin hour!

JAKE: I know you like to get the crowd all hot and bothered but we are supposed to be professionals here!

DIRK: You’re right, my bad. Won’t happen again.

DIRK: How about you kick off the next round?

DIRK: I bet this crowd will settle its shit right down the moment you drop the latest rhymes you’ve been tinkering with.

DIRK: You know the ones.

JAKE: Gasp.

JAKE: You dont mean...

DIRK: Oh. But I DO.

JAKE: Tally ho its me, jake mcgee!

JAKE: Popping my pistols off, two shots and a kiss

JAKE: My aim is tops, i never miss

JAKE: One shot to the heart and the other to your lips

JAKE: Im heedless

JAKE: You cant impede this

JAKE: While these cads are all hat and very little cattle

JAKE: Cattle so weak one fears they might be feedless!

JAKE: As i prattle and digress you try to make your egress

JAKE: In the middle of the battle, but surely ye jest?

JAKE: FIDDLE FADDLE!

JAKE: My rhymes are known to bring the rattle

JAKE: I rattle those bones right down to the bit

JAKE: Im a mellifluous old chap who knows how to take a hit

JAKE: Im the tip...

JAKE: Tip top of the morning!

JAKE: A rip roaring halt to your snoring

JAKE: Like pouring butter on bacon

JAKE: Their hunger awakens!

JAKE: All the rascally scalawags

JAKE: And dastardly jackanapes

JAKE: Always ask of me, mate what is shaking?

JAKE: With golden gas pipes such as jake-eng’s

JAKE: Im dodging their shade and ducking their jape-slings

JAKE: While my rump stokes a thirst that my rhymes have been slaking!

JAKE: When the splendid lads and ladies ask me “how do you do?” i -

DIRK: Whoops. Jake, sorry to cut you off...

DIRK: Looks like I’m getting another call. Really need to take this one.

DIRK: Gonna have to wrap this battle up sooner than scheduled.

DIRK: Yo Rose, what’s up?

[ice-jj-kiss]

Can’t Stop Won’t Stop

I just released it to SoundCloud but I still gotta promote it on my social media. A part of me just wants to release all of my music without any promotion. You gotta find it yourself. The kids and music heads always sniff the great music out eventually— they will find it. But then how will I get to where I need to get to, right?

This track is over 21 Savages “Pad Lock”. The original song is such a vibe. You know that video of Solange vibing to it out in the sun? Cheetah print, lip gloss, looking good, doing the little dance moves.. literally a vibe. Anyways, that’s how I feel when I hear the original. One day I was like “I want to write my own version of this”.. and got curious how it would sound. 21 Savage is rapping about his life and my subject matter would, of course, be different and relevant to me. So my version is also personal to ME. A bit vulnerable too. But I feel like I tie it in nicely.

Because I spent the entire two hours of my studio session recording and perfecting the lines (and because I only had money for a two hour session), my engineer couldn’t mix or master it. Let me be clear that I go into the studio with my lyrics and flow all memorized. I also write on paper. I was just being real particular on how I wanted it to sound. Also, being my second studio session, I’m getting more comfortable with everything— which is exciting. I’m okay with it being rough though.

I literally cut my hair the day before writing this.

“Buzzed my hair and I’m feeling light/ I feel so free/

Curls are gone along with every perception of me”

I admire the people who are so unapologetically themselves. Without a care in the world, fucks are not given and floating in the wind. You see, I was a different kid growing up. I felt the need to hide and reserve my natural, bubbly, happy self. A child doesn’t do that naturally, that behavior would have to be learned. I became a master chameleon. If it’s one thing I am amazing at; it’s adapting to my environment. Survival. I’m undoing all of that though. Not giving a fuck what others think of me/about me. To an extent, because not everything is so black and white, but you get what I mean, I’m not going to over-explain myself. Done people pleasing. Every single day, I remind myself: Be yourself. Me even releasing my music is proof of this. And believe me, I don’t give a damn if this is corny ;)

…

I don’t plan on doing freestyles forever. This beat in particular isn’t even a beat I would use for my own music.. But, this is how I choose to start. I love hip hop & rap, I am a TRUE fan of it. I know when it comes to making my own sound, it’s going to be different than what’s out and what’s popular and what’s already been done. But again, this is my start. It’s okay if you don’t understand right now. As long as my future manager believes in me and sees the vision, everything will be alright. I also got faith, a lot of that. Ha!

I hope you like this track. If it’s not your cup of tea I am currently writing two freestyles that are sooo freaking good. I’m waiting until I get paid to book more studio sessions but they’ll be out in the world soon. I’m a working man, gots to pay my rent, have food in my fridge. I can’t wait to work with producers. I want to learn how to produce. Re-learn piano. Yeah…RE-learn. Shout out to my old piano teacher, Ms. Merrit.

Ok, this is way too long. I think I said too much.

…

“I’m a pretty boy/ With some metaphors/

Leave the function/ GAY boys in aventadores/ UH!”

P.S. The closing line = The best line. Also, Google ‘Will Welch’ and you’ll find out who he is, if you don’t know. Then you’ll piece together why I said I’ll have him GQ it.

Love,

Josiah Kane

[calypso-finale]

Hundred Twelve.

I am well and truly happy that the American tour has ended but having to stay behind anyways sucks, but who in their right mind would say no to Rihanna, nobody. I am not saying no to her, she came to the show ever so excited, and I am glad they came out, but I am also happy this is over with, I want to go back to London already. I want to be in bed with Rylee really, I am still reeling myself in from what happened, she got that good good, I am still thinking about it. I don’t think I have had sex that good; I don’t think I have, or I don’t remember it but Rylee she been on my mind, and I feel I am on cloud nine, she did it good. Rylee also left me her panties, I found them in my pocket, she is on some shit, and I am snorting it, she is a drug, she is my drug, but I miss her and Aziel, I wish I could go back really but the best thing is the tour ending. That is over with but now I need to work with Rihanna, and I promised her this, I promised I would work with her with this clothing line, I am going to have to sit with the big heads and I sometimes don’t do well with it, I leave YB with that, but they are all leaving me now, they are going back to London “Oakley can I speak to you?” Juke said “soon, Rihanna is coming to me” I said, “but bro I been wanting to speak to you!” he spat “I have been fucking busy Juke, open your eyes. I am working!” I spat; his face softened “alright” he backed “I really enjoyed your concert” I laughed “you sure, I was like she can’t be coming without Chris” she hugged me “hey, I know my rap too, but the boys loved it. They have been rapping along so much” seeing Raihan and Junior “I knew all the words” dapping them both “appreciate it, both of you coming out. Sucks Chris couldn’t come but I get it, he is preparing for the residency so I understand” he is a busy guy now “he said to come to the house, he will make some food but that means I make it and he claims it but do come to the house, where are you staying? At the home you both bought” nodding my head “yeah I am, for a few days. I am missing Aziel a lot, he keeps facetiming me asking me when I am home, he misses me so I am apprehensive of going back as soon as but I want to also work with you” Robyn cooed out “we can bring him here” I chuckled “Rylee doesn’t agree, she said he stays in one place. She wants him to have normality, so yeah. But I am cool with it” I so miss him though “well come to the home tomorrow, we will be expecting you” I got to be on my best behaviour now “of course” I said smiling.

Tianna just stayed on tour with me anyways, she said she didn’t mind sticking around “you get all your things out yeah? And into the SUV?” I asked Tianna “yes, I was going to get my duffle” nodding my head “bro, can I please talk to you” Juke again “fine, I ain’t got time but come” walking off “Oakley, I am sorry I couldn’t stay for the meeting, but I have to go” dapping YB “bro it’s ok. Thank you for the memories of another tour” YB is laughing “to see you rise and be in a better mood once Rylee left told me all I needed to know” I am laughing because he peeped that I became a better man “I aint’ saying shit” I pointed, I mean I did feel my mood lift, I ain’t orgasmed that hard in a while so I am happy “ok go on, what is it? Bro, you ain’t staying here, you need to go home” Juke looks guilty “I fucked up Oakley, I been trying to tell you all this time” I frowned “in what sense? What did you do?” he really panicking “I didn’t know Imani was a virgin bro, I didn’t know” my mouth fell open “woah, replay that back what did you do? And say it properly because I will beat you the fuck up” he swallowed hard “we had sex, but she was a virgin, she never said she just bled and I was like what, but she said it’s fine but it’s not. I haven’t seen her since, I swear I didn’t know. I feel so bad” placing my hand over my mouth “you had sex with Imani? Why? I told you to stay away from her” he fucking didn’t “I didn’t mean to do that, I swear” before he could even speak again I punched him “please bro, please!” he spat “fuck off home, please just go” he really did that, why would you do that when I told him to stay away from her.

This shit is playing on my mind now, I mean they are of age, so it isn’t the issue, but Rylee didn’t want my brother near her and he goes and sticks his dick in her and she is a virgin, that girl is sensitive and he did that “Ti, have you spoken to Imani?” I asked, I have not slept well at all because Rylee and I are at a good point in our lives and this may cause a rift, I am pissed “she erm, I did she was ok. She is at the house, I said I will see her today. How cute, my dad cooking for his third son” I laughed “yeah” Chris is going to go crazy, they are all protective of Imani and I am panicking because why would he do that “I need to take this” Juke is calling me, I am so mad because why Imani though, Chris is going to kill him, his baby. I seen it, I know it “you fucked up bad, don’t call me” I am mad “look, she wanted it too. I swear she did, she kissed me bro. She kissed me first! I swear to you, I love you bro I wouldn’t lie, she kissed me. She wanted it, she said it. I am not lying but she didn’t tell me she was a virgin, I didn’t sign up for that” jogging up the stairs “you know she is the loved one, the one they protect yeah. I ain’t stopping when her dad comes to you, he is fucking crazy, you idiot! Fuck off my phone” disconnecting the call “bro” I said to Wadz “Juke and” looking around her “Imani” I mouthed “he had sex with her, she was a virgin. Rylee is going to kill me, she will blame me for this, I don’t know if Imani is ok, what the fuck” Wadz just stared at me “bro” I shook my head “what do I do?” this is bad “speak to her, Imani that is. See how she is, he took her V card, girls be feeling a way with that, I mean bro. she is the diamond, and he did that. Also she waited a while and he took it” shaking my head “he said he didn’t know, he was scared. He should be, if this fucks up things with Lee and me I am going to kill him” I hate that bastard, he has always been a little shit and remains that.

I didn’t think Chris would be actually cooking but this man is, he looks so happy too “so the residency is a big hit” Emi is wanting me to pick her up, I don’t know how I became favourite with her “I don’t know yet, but the sales are mad, I think it is. I am happy, we are moving to Vegas too” letting out an oh “really? What about this house? This is a beautiful home” he can’t leave this “keeping it because we will back eventually” that is true “but we found a home, but Robyn is a little fussy so waiting for the boss to say yes” Chris is in high spirits I am happy for him “boss is hardheaded, them Fenty ladies-” I dragged out seeing Imani, I need to speak to her, and she has been hiding “how you feeling you?” Chris hugged her “ok, just sore” my eyes bulged out; this is fucked up. Wadz and I stared at each other “well my food will heal you” I could kill Juke, this is not a joke either “thanks dad, smells nice I just need some water” I moved out of the way because I was in the way “you going to let me put you down?” I asked Emi “no” she just said without a care “alright, you make me miss my son you know. He wants me home so much” Chris is smiling at me “I don’t know how you holding her fat self, she is heavy” I chuckled “nah, she is slim” Chris shook his head laughing.

This is so awkward, I don’t even know what to say about it all, but it seems like to me Imani hasn’t said a word, but my dumbass brother hasn’t checked in on her either, women are sensitive and especially when it’s the first time, I am stressing out here really “I need to speak to her bro” rubbing the top of my head “and how? Hi Imani, how was your first time” I pulled a face “Rylee is going to pull a fit with me, I am so pissed with him, out of everything he could have done” walking off seeing that Imani is walking by on her own, I don’t know what I am going to say but I’ll wing it really. Imani is walking up the steps “Imani, can I speak to you one second?” I asked “erm yeah, I am just going to my room” taking in a deep breath “cool” following up behind her, I hate Juke so much he always gets me into some shit always and I’m stuck with it. Stood outside her door “come in” she said, clearing my throat “yeah, I just erm” turning around and closing the door “wanted to know if you’re ok” I asked, this is so awkward “I know” I added “did Juke tell you to ask me” she said “yeah, look I am not happy he did that” this is crazy “tell him I’m not upset with him, he made a great lover” I am gobsmacked “erm look yeah” I just stared “as long as you’re ok with him messaging you I’ll let him know” she is sensitive I know that, and even more so. She called him lover, this is bad “that’s fine, and I haven’t told my sisters yet because they are so overprotective” she smiled “yeah” I ran out of the room really, I want to kill Juke. Pressing the phone to my ear as I went into the bathroom “bro” he said “don’t bro me, you need to call Imani and ask her how she is doing and I ain’t playing with you” he can’t fucking do this “I’m with Sky” he mumbled “I will fucking murder you, fuck that bitch. I don’t care, you was ok to do that now you can tidy your mess she is in her feelings, you don’t understand but I will tell Chris where you are because I am not taking this” he went silent “alright I will call, damn. She should have told me though, I didn’t know Oakley” disconnecting the call, he did this shit so he can fix it.

I can’t even lie but I feel bad about it but we can’t just predict what would have happened, I didn’t think that would have happened just like he didn’t know that she was a virgin, I can’t just pin it on him because I can imagine she didn’t tell him but it’s just fucked up, I know how Rylee will be about it and she will tell me how she told me about this so I better just strap up and get on with it “where is Imani?” Chris asked, she isn’t even sat here “she said she wasn’t well, so I said to rest up, it was a long tour for her, first time too” this is a mess “true” I just said “Oakley, are you excited about working on Fenty Skin, don’t worry. I will be kind; Rylee has been telling me I got to relax. I cannot get at you, I can be a little pushy, but I promise I will be good” I chuckled “it’s ok, you are a perfectionist. I would be the same, you aren’t  a billionaire for nothing, so I get it” Robyn is smiling “see he understand but I will be nice, I know it’s out of your comfort zone, it’s just literally you and skin care that is it. You have good skin” she complimented “all that water I just use” I joked “you better not be” little does she know “I used too, it was Lee that was like what the hell is this, what is a two in one, what are you doing she switched it all up for me. She wasn’t impressed, I remember the first time she looked at my products, and it was just a bottle of two in one and she said I stank, I didn’t. That is a lie but I ain’t that now, I use good things now” I defended “if it wasn’t for me I feel Chris would be the same, you men. And yet you all have nice skin, using the same thing for everything. Men” she rolled her eyes “I am glad you came out though, it’s nice seeing you” Chris smiled at me “you are in love with me that’s why” Chris shook his head, my phone pinged on the table, it will be Lee anyways.

From Rylee: I miss you too babe! I wasn’t expecting such a text from you 😊

To Rylee: I mean it! I miss U x

From Rylee: Miss me or the P

I snorted laughing, she is stupid.

To Rylee: Both! But how about I stay in ur bed now?

From Rylee: Hmm I need to think about that boo 😉

“ahh jarring” placing my phone down on the table, I want to be back in bed with her and now she is playing a silly game but after Juke she is going to be mad with me and I am not happy about that at all, I will beat him up if this makes my relationship with Lee rocky.