#so whether I or my depression likes it or not

[queer-things-and-stuff]

you know, as a trans masc NB, it’s hard to acknowledge so many parts of my past self, solely because of the way people see me. i’m greatful to have developed the self respect to be able to say i miss being a little girl, cause that’s who i was back then, that’s what i was, and it was nice, it was wonderful really. it was simple and easy and i never realized how far away from me it would become. i never hated myself, i never wanted to be someone different, i just wanted to be me without the restrictions brought by the countless labels placed on me.

all of this is to say me too, OP. I miss laying on my belly and playing with barbie’s and listening to Pink, feeling like the og underdog. imagining a beautifully crafted future. one that was perfect for me, i’d have a nice big house, and a puppy, and i’d be a super famous singer, and i’d be happy.

i keep finding myself wondering where that person went, when my capacity for, and my belief in the happiness I had, and hoped for, got capped. when it all became too much to pretend I’d ever find myself awake in that little girls dream.

i know when i realized I’d never be a singer (i heard a recording of my own voice and it was enlightening to say the least), i have an idea of when i realized I’d never have a nice big house (around the 2rd or 3rd time being homeless, sleeping in hotels and shelters) i know when i realized I’d wouldn’t be getting a puppy (when i had no choice but to live with the deadbeat “father” who’d kept promising me one over phone calls and during visits, and he never brought it up once in the whole year i stayed with him)

i know when i realized i wasn’t happy just to be there anymore, to be alive. when i realized how sad I really was. like a switch had been flipped, the person i was before dissolved and the person i would become began to grow. the first time i felt depression, the first time i idealized suicide, the first time i realized i could feel so alone, even when surrounded by people who were supposed to love me.

i didn’t mean for this to get so long, i just… hope, and joy, and dreams, where have they gone? will i ever get them back? to finally stop questioning whether or not the person who previously heald that hope, and that joy, and those dreams, was me, means to wonder why they left me so desolate when i became the person i am today.

i miss being a little girl full of hope and joy that plays alone in her room dreaming about her future

[helslastangel]

Mini Observations #5

based on my synastry with a friend/unrequited love interest

Sun Sextile Pluto

Powerful chemistry. Both parties are left changed by the connection. Can become completely obsessed with each other if not controlled. Both Sun and Pluto feel a bit lost or displaced without each other from the first time they meet. Especially Sun, as Pluto is less averse to isolation. This is generally positive bit can take a very dark turn if Pluto has bad intentions. The Sun person loves the Pluto person "first" if you will, or at least expresses it faster and more confidently than Pluto, who will either lower their inhibitions and reciprocate the sentiment or give and withdraw their attention at will to break the Sun person's confidence and keep them under control. This is one of those aspects where when it's good, it's truly amazing, but when it's bad, it's downright horrible for both parties.

Sun Sextile Venus

A soft, supportive aspect. Love at first sight vibes, even if not acted on. Not the strongest connection indicator out there but the emotional connection is real between them. The Sun person feels happier and more radiant when around the Venus person. Very much "life is worth living when you're here with me" vibes. Venus thrives on the Sun's energy and is attracted to their charm. Venus feels the urge to do anything to make Sun happy ("Oh hey, I notice you really like x, so I got 3 of them for you"). Sun adores Venus and will protect them at all costs ("They said WHAT to you at work? Oh no they don't! Drop the name and address, who do I need to beat up?").

☆●☆○☆●☆

Pluto Conjunct Venus

Strong sexual attraction. Moderate emotional attraction. Can be one-sided or more commonly lop-sided in terms of willingness to emotionally invest. Karmic. Love-hate dynamic possible. Pluto person can easily read the Venus person. Pluto person can become extremely attached to the Venus person, who is aware of this but may or may not be able to reciprocate.

☆●☆○☆●☆

Mars Trine Venus

Again, mutual sexual attraction. The Venus person admires the Mars person's physique, energy and confidence in themselves and their appearance. The Mars person admires the Venus person's spirit, aura, general behavior and way of being. This is a comfortable connection. Warm. Both romantic and lustful. Likely to keep the "spark" alive for s long time.

Mars Trine Pluto

Possessive. Intense. Soul ties are very strong here. Can be explosive or have many power struggles if not careful. Mars person is the muscle, Pluto person is the mind of the relationship. Mars person gets things going after Pluto person has given it thought and come to a conclusion. Can have an on-and-off friendship or relationship. Or tend to drift apart and back again regularly, even if in very small ways.

☆●☆○☆●☆

Venus Square Saturn

Could go either way. Other aspects and placements can heavily influence this one. Venus views Saturn as wise and an authority figure in a sense, but Venus might feel restricted from expressing themselves freely and creatively. May feel a sense of always being in trouble, annoying or disappointing the Saturn person in some way. Saturn views Venus as a ray of sunshine-that never sets. They enjoy the exuberance and freespirited nature of the Venus person whether they admit it or not, but feel irritated by it at the same time. Saturn may be overcritical of the Venus person, leading the Venus person to leave in frustration or stay but become depressed, if other placements do not balance this out. This aspect can also indicate 'right person, wrong time' relationships, or one-sided, unrequited love between friends. Delays of one kind ot another are common with this aspect.

☆●☆○☆●☆

Mars Opposite Neptune

Difficult aspect to balance. Mars wants to do everything now. If it's an argument, they want to finish it then and there. If it's a task, they want to get it out of the way. If it's a fun activity, they want to jump in and immerse themselves in it. Neptune is easily fatigued, easily overwhelmed and finds it difficult to keep up with Mars-and probably does not even want to. Mars is also blunt which Neptune can only handle in tiny doses, if at all, leading them to need space often, which hurts Mars' ego and leads them to push even harder, which in turn leads Neptune to resort to white lies to get the recovery time they need to remain in the connection. This is a difficult aspect that is only sustainable if Mars learns to be quiet and slow down and Neptune learns to speak up and pick up the pace. They can meet in the middle, but both have to be willing.

↤ go back to the masterlist

[xoxosolia]

hii. ohmg, just read your post about you becoming a master shifter and I'm sooo happy for you!! seeing successes on here genuinely makes me feel so inspired and happy, so thanks for sharing it with us.

however, i would love to know how you shifted for the first time, what blockages did u let go of to finally have shifted. also i hope you can mention the method when u first shifted (if u used any), which methods do you use to shift regularly now? how does it feel to be a master shifter? and if its okay with you, can you share wid us your Drs? ALSO IS SHIFTING RLLY AS EASY AS THEY SAY!!?

thankyouu soo much💌

♡ How i shifted for the first time ♡

The first time I shifted was a normal Sunday. I was so depressed and I absolutely didn't want to go to class because the next day I had a lot of control, so i just said to myself "I'll shift tonight or never" I was seriously determined, so I tried closing my eyes and putting on a subliminal but it didn't work so I fell asleep.

I woke up around 2 a.m. and realized that I hadn't succeeded. I was a little disappointed and very tired but I wanted to try again. So since it was still early and I had time, that's what I did. I concentrated on my dr very precisely, imagining myself looking in the mirror and dressing myself in my dream clothes, I was extremely focused on all the details , my face, clothes my friends, things like that.

It lasted about 20 minutes I think, until my eyes opened on their own and was in my room in my dr on my bed, I didn't immediately understand that I had shifted , everything seemed so normal. It took me 5 minutes to understand that my room had changed and I was like "Oh shit"

I think what made me succeed that night and not the others was that I was very focused on my dr and that I was too tired to notice the symptoms that I had, And also because those days I was alone at home and therefore my house was completely silent, so i understood that was just a problem of distraction

I didn't use any particular method, I just let myself go and I don't use any at all now. I just think very hard about my dr and I'm there

Honestly I really like being a master shifter, I feel so powerful lol😭. and it really boosted my self-confidence. It also means that now I no longer ask for anything at all because I know that if I want it I will have it whether it is with the shift or with the manifestation. When I realized that I had become a master shifter I first had a mini existential crisis. I was asking myself things like "So technically magic exists?" "So technically I'm immortal?" "So anything is really possible?" I wasn't really sad about it on the contrary. I found it incredible (and still do)

The shift also really changed the way I interact with others, whether here or in my other realities. Personally I don't make a script and I keep everything in my head because my subconscious knows what I want and sometimes in my dr my personality changes without me realizing it.

In my fame dr I am rather extroverted or even arrogant, and in my barbie charm school dr I am rather introverted and stubborn, the worst is that I never realized it until the day I had a big argument with my best friends from my fame dr. They didn't want to talk to me anymore and that's when I realized that yes, I can have problems even on shift in a perfect reality.

I have a lot of idea for my dr but for now i shift only in my better cr, fame dr and my Barbie charm school dr (I will definitely do a post about my dr).

I hope I answered all your questions :))

Xoxo, Solia ૮꒰ྀི⸝⸝> . <⸝⸝꒱ྀིა

[ragana62]

It's soup season, we could all do with something comforting, so who wants my grandmother's super low maintenance soup recipe?

Of course you do. Frikadeļu Zupa is good, the weather is getting cold for those of us in the northern hemisphere, and good, relatively cheap to make, relatively easy to make, food with good nutritional value is something we all need, especially in these trying times.

Ingredients:

Meatballs:

Bread Crumbs (honestly, I eyeball this, use however much speaks to you. I suggest using slightly stale rye bread or black bread, but use what you have)

About 1 lb Ground Meat (or meat substitute of your choosing. I use beef, use whatever speaks to you, just adjust your broth accordingly. Use however much meat as you want meatballs, this is just a standard amount, but just know if you go too much above this, you will likely need more broth as well and that’s fine)

2 eggs (or egg substitute, this and the bread are just binding agents really)

Seasoning (I use a mix of salt, white pepper, and dill, but if you want to add paprika or oregano or want to use black pepper instead of white pepper, go for it)

Broth/Soup Base:

10 Cups Broth (match your meat or meat substitute, I tend to use half beef, half veggie broth. Use what you have/what you like)

Carrots (about 5 big ones, or however many small ones you have. Cut into about bite sized pieces)

Potatoes (about 3 medium without skins, grated on the medium holes of a standard cheese grater, or if you're like me and get tired of fussing with that, you can just take a peeler to it and use that directly into your broth)

Greens (I use mustard greens, or dandelion greens or even nettle greens if I can get them. This step is optional and not technically correct to the original soup recipe inspiring it, but my grandmother always combined frikadeļu zupa with a nettle soup, and it is good and adds some additional vitamins and nutrients, so I do it still.)

Process

Start heating your broth over medium heat, just until it has started to simmer. You can add a little extra seasoning to it as well if you like, but avoid adding lighter herbs like dill until later or you are just wasting your herbs.

While your broth is simmering, mix your ground meat (or meat substitute) with eggs (or egg substitute), seasonings, and breadcrumbs, before forming into small meatballs about the size of an acorn. Set these aside for now.

Add your potato shreds to the broth (or just grate your peeled potatoes directly into the simmering broth if you're lazy or just don't want to have to wash another dish) and simmer for around 10 minutes.

Add your chopped carrots (and greens if you are including them) and simmer for another 10 or so minutes.

Add meatballs directly into the broth (careful, it will splash and you don't want to burn yourself). Simmer for another 30 minutes, or until your meatballs are fully cooked. Stir occasionally, but mostly you can just leave it alone.

Eat the soup. You will almost certainly have many leftovers. This is not a problem, because it reheats well, tastes good, and will keep you warm and happy and full. You may want to add more broth when you reheat it, so keep that in mind, as the potatoes can absorb a bit of the broth. This is also not a problem, because it means you now have extra flavorful potatoes.

If you are feeling fancy, serve it with the same bread you put in the meatballs, and a pickle (either in the soup or next to the soup). Or, cucumber salad (sliced cucumber, white vinegar, honey, dill, salt, sliced radish if you're feeling fancy, all eyeballed, taste as you add your ingredients after mixing them all well to decide whether you have your balance right).

If you do make her soup, please tell me. Or better yet, show me! We can have a bowl together from wherever you are in the world. I just passed my first year without her, and miss her horribly, but she would be very glad to know that her soup is out there making people happy when everything is so frustrating and depressing.

Feel free to share the recipe as widely as you like. Or reach out for pointers, or ask for my black bread recipe I make to go with it, or anything else. Food was always one of her love languages, so I can't help but love it too.

I think we all need some soup right now. Reblog to give prev a bowl of their favourite soup.

[freyito]

ʜᴀɴᴋᴇʀɪɴ' ꜰᴏʀ ᴛʜᴇ ᴘᴀꜱᴛ

✭ pairing(s): boothill x gn reader

✩ in which: boothill's been quiet since he came back from penacony. way too quiet.

✧ a/n: little by little im chipping away at my depressive episode and building my motivation again

✦ taglist: @fffrost, @shinysora

🗒 cw: gn reader, 2.6 spoilers, mention of torture, hurt/comfort, not proofread

✎ wc: 2.4k

Ever since his most recent trip to Penacony, Boothill had been spacing out more when he got home. He insisted, very firmly, that you stay at home this time, leaving no room for any discussion. You were to stay home no matter what, and if he found you had tried to sneak out, even to the town, there would be words to be had. He was never this demanding, and he never barred you from going out. Yet when he told you, there was a certain look in his eyes. Fear. Something so rare within him that it made you obey without a word of protest. Now that he is back, he hasn’t been as energetic as you’re used to. In fact, he had practically stayed glued to the couch. 

You could poke and prod at him and he wouldn’t so much as smirk, and you hadn’t even gotten so much of a squeak out of him aside from why he had left in the first place. Despite his victory, he was just… quiet. You wake up to him staring at the ceiling, chewing on his lip. Even though he doesn’t necessarily need sleep, he’s always cuddling up to you when you go to sleep. So when you wake up next to him (quite a rare sight), it’s odd.

Not just that, but you notice he spends an oddly long time gazing out over the plains that surround your house, nearly unphased when you poke and squeeze at his cheeks. It’s not that he is entirely silent the whole time, but his words are few and far between. You can’t remember the last time he’d been so lost in thought.

After the third day, you’ve decided you’ve had enough. It was fine if he didn’t want to talk about it (though you are certain it would help), but you were starting to miss Boothill’s voice, or the silly things he would do. So, you catch him on the couch while he’s charging, deciding to lay on top of him. Cheek to cheek, you press into him with a smile.

“Hi,” You say simply. Boothill doesn’t react much, looking up at you with his eye and a small grin.

“Hey, darlin’,” He responds, his voice quiet.

“Whatcha thinkin’ about?”

“Mh, nothin’,” Boothill sighs, shifting awkwardly just a little beneath you. You raise your eyebrow, and he sighs, admitting defeat so easily. “Okay. Thinkin’ about a lot.”

“Care to share?”

“I dunno sugar, it’s kinda heavy,”

“Heavy is the cost.”

A silence stretches between the two of you, as Boothill ruminates over whether or not to share what’s on his mind. You lean further into him, draping yourself over him like a blanket, even though he wasn’t necessarily the most comfortable person to lay on. You weren’t going to say it out loud, and you have spent hours on him before, so it wasn’t necessarily a problem. There were days where his body was the most wonderful thing to lay on, when he had been lounging in the sun and you had been unbearably cold for Aeons knows what reason. In moments like those, he was like your own space heater.

“Well, I mean, there was a lot goin’ on in Penacony, and all these mind games, and…” Boothill sighs, his body relaxing slightly as he pulls an arm out from under you and slings it over your waist. “Got to rememberin’ a lot of things. Stuff I ain’t exactly keen on thinkin’ about. Now I can’t stop.”

“Do you think telling me about it would help?” You purse your lips, blinking at him inquisitively. 

“Haven’t I yapped enough? I swear you ask me about all o’ this at least once a week,” He pokes at your side, causing you to squirm and yelp, before he takes hold of your waist and readjusts both of you, so he’s sitting up and cradling you in his lap. “Gonna make me talk til my jaw falls off, you know that?”

“I’m sorry…”

“Don’t apologize, darlin’,” Boothill smiles, something gentle despite his normally cocky grin. “I know you mean well. You’re the only one I like talkin’ to about this stuff, anyways.”

You tilt your head, silently asking him to continue. For a moment he doesn’t get the hint, raising his brow and chewing on his lip. He’s always been avoidant of such topics like the past, not that you could squeeze much out of him regardless. The most he let you know was of his family, specifically why he held a grudge against the IPC, and who he held a grudge against. Not to mention, he doesn’t enjoy talking things out much. He enjoys venting whatever’s gnawing at him in other ways, such as shooting. Still, he always seems to relent when you ask…

“Ah! Uhm, well…” He wraps both his arms around you, finally sitting up. He readjusts, making sure you’re seated comfortably in his lap. “They got me thinkin’ about when I was a kid… Well, more than that, really. Hard to explain.”

“I can listen all day. I like your voice.” You reply smugly.

“I– That’s not what I meant…” He chuckles sheepishly, shaking his head. “It was like a… hm. Felt like the kind of stuff the IPC had done to me when they caught me.”

Suddenly, you don’t know how to react. Your flirty demeanor drops, and so does your smile. Part of you didn’t think it’d be this kind of conversation. While he said it was heavy, you really didn’t think it’d be on the same level. Boothill sighs, patting your back lightly at your reaction.

“It ain’t that bad. I’m back home now, right? All in one piece.” He consoles, his voice just a tinge softer than before.

“Yeah, but–”

“It didn’t do much to me, really. Just got me thinkin’,” He shrugs so nonchalantly, like torture is something he’s used  to. “You asked, right? Lemme continue.”

With a huff, you concede. He strokes through your hair leisurely at your complacence, taking another moment to enjoy the quiet moment. As if what he was about to explain wasn’t something as terrifying as torture.

“It was somethin’ goin’ on with Dr. Primitive. Or at least, someone who aspired to be like him. Really odd thing, actually. With these monkeys and bananas, people wanted to become one. People were becoming one. Freaky, really. I mean, the things were cute n’ all… Not the point.” He takes a deep breath, “Some sort of induction… they… I don’t know how they did it, but they were able to bring back some sort of past version of me…? Took almost everything from me, voice, hearing, colors, sight, anger… they took it all. And suddenly, I felt like I was a kid again.”

The silence continues, while you ponder if anything you’ll say will be right, or okay. There’s not much you can think of to say, without sounding out of place. Dr. Primitive was one thing, and something horrifying at that, but the monkeys threw you off. Furthermore, what Boothill had described made your body feel… cold. It felt like it was one step away from wiping his memory completely. 

“What’s with that look?” He chuckles, shaking off the heavy air so easily. “You asked me to tell you, right?”

“Yeah…” You sigh. It’s still quite hard to wrap your mind around such things, but you do your best to ignore it.

“Now you sound all sad. C’mon, I’m alive, ain’t I? Plus, I think I do feel a little better now that I think about it…”

His voice tapers off at the end, before pursing his lips as if he was thinking. Again. Before you can ask him what else he’s got on his mind, his eyes light up. Without so much as a grunt, he picks you up and sets you down on the floor. 

“Here, actually, I think I’ve figured out somethin’,” He says, placing a hand on the small of your back as he leads you to the front door. He makes no further effort to explain what he meant, simply choosing to lead you off with a smile.

As he opens the door, light spills into the cabin. The land looks practically golden, you’ve forgotten just how beautiful the plains are at sunset. When you two step out on the porch, a light breeze greets you, wading through the grass. Boothill lets out another chuckle, before stepping off the porch. He stands still for a moment, appreciating the art of the world, the way the wind whispered across the grass, the birds in the distance and their song, and finally, he lets out a content sigh.

“Can’t say it’s as beautiful as Aeragan-Epharshel, but…” He begins, looking back at you for a moment, waving you closer. “It’s close enough…”

“What do you mean?” You finally take a step down off the porch. He wraps his arm around your waist and pulls you closer with an even bigger smile.

“All that work they did, well it gave me a hankerin’ for the past,” He takes a deep breath, his voice wavering ever so slightly. “Don’t like thinkin’ about it too much cause then I miss it even more.”

He cocks his head down at you, before his hand slides from your waist to your own, interlocking fingers. They’re not cold, for once, about body temperature. Perhaps that’s what you get for laying on top of him. He starts to lead you through the grass, his other hand gliding over the soft blades, sometimes grabbing at one just for the fun of it. However, there’s a certain sadness pulling at his face, his stride, even. He’s quiet for another minute, before he stops.

“It’s odd only feelin’ the wind in my hair.” He states, allowing nature to fill the silence once more.

“Boothill…” You mutter, reluctantly wiggling your hand out of his, reaching up to cup his cheek instead.

“It’s okay, sugar, I don’t need any pity,” Despite his words, he leans into your touch so easily, eyes fluttering closed. “Just… expressin’ myself.” After a beat, he opens his eyes and looks back out on the landscape, sighing softly. “I miss all the mischief I’d get into. After I’d finished my work on the ranch, I’d… run off somewhere, mostly off to the town. I’d get into all sorts of trouble just to keep myself from gettin’ bored. So I could get a chance to run through the fields again.”

He turns to you with a somber look in his eyes, as if he’d tear up. Not that he could, he’d lost that function long ago. His hands fall to your waist, gripping gently at the fabric of your shirt.

“There’s nothin’ quite like that feelin’. Runnin’ through the fields, the wind in your hair, stingin’ your cheeks and fingers, heart beatin’ fast as you find somewhere to hide…” He continues. Again, his voice wavers, and he swallows. He does his best to hold off on his own sadness, something he hadn’t allowed himself to properly feel for Aeons knows how long. “I guess I sorta get it still… bein’ wanted ‘n’ all… but it ain’t the same. It ain’t never been the same since…”

He ducks his head, the wind causing his hair to obscure his face. His hat dips, and you raise your hand to catch it. You don’t know what else to do. You haven’t seen Boothill this sad, ever. He’s always so rowdy and practically radiant, and yet now he’s dour, forcing himself to get his words through. He sniffles, then lets out a choked sound that goes straight to your heart. You wrap your arms around him, pulling him in close and squishing your face against his chest. The minute your arms meet his body, he mirrors the gesture. He practically crumbles in your arms, knees buckling as if he were flesh and bone, sliding down in your arms until his knees are planted firmly in the ground beneath you. In turn he presses his ear to your chest, listening to the gentle sound of your beating heart. At this, he grasps your shirt so tightly, pulling you impossibly closer, letting out another whine.

You pet through his hair, doing your best to still your own thoughts. Not only have you never seen Boothill sad before, you don’t think you’ve ever seen him so… weak. Especially on the topic of his past. He could always speak of Clementine, of Nick and Gray, even of his hatred for the IPC with such confidence. Never once did his voice break, did his scowl turn into a frown. His body is wracked with shudders, biting his lip to quiet his sobs.

You two stay like that for a couple of more minutes, Boothill clinging onto you for dear life while you did your best to comfort him, scratching at his scalp and shushing him gently, whispering all sorts of cliche things to calm him down. Eventually, he finally lets up, with a soft breath. His grip weakens on your clothes, and he stands up. When he does, you card your fingers through his hair, moving his bangs from his face. He can’t help but let out a weak chuckle, allowing you to enjoy the feeling.

“M’sorry honey,” He mutters, his shoulders sagging slightly. “Didn’t mean to get all gloomy like that.”

“It’s fine, really,” You smile, your fingers lingering in his hair, before pulling away. “I think you needed it.”

“I… probably,” He sighs, “Just got too caught up in… all of this.”

Still, he nudges you, hand finding yours once more. He squeezes it, before leading you back to the cabin. The wind started to bite, the sun just peaking over the horizon as the sky went from orange and pink, to pink and purple. The clouds waned, the stars just barely visible as you two walked back. The silence is comfortable now, a small smile tugging at Boothill’s lips. He opens the door for you, taking one last look at the plains, before stepping in and closing the door.

“I’ll make dinner, then,” He says triumphantly, clearly feeling lighter than before. ��As an apology. For makin’ you see me like that.”

“You don’t have t–”

“I want to, sugar. Let me? Please?” He cocks his head to the side, his smile turning gentler.

You wouldn’t fight it, either way. Despite how much he’s enjoyed literal bullets and oil, you wouldn’t dare stop him from cooking. He was like an angel, really, almost terrifyingly good in the kitchen. While you wanted to say that he didn’t have to apologize, if his cooking was on the line, you’ve found no choice but to concede.

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[ohithankyou]

now that the initial feelings of shock hurt and betrayal re: bucktommy’s abrupt breakup (let me be dramatic) are wearing off (well i’m still hurt and depressed lol) — i’m circling back to the conversation buck and tommy had that led to the breakup and appreciating it in a different light than before (although i still do not like certain elements of it). specifically, tommy’s reasoning for the breakup - now that i’ve processed my feelings - i’ve come to realize give him so much more depth as a character and really bring forward what we got to know about him before in a different way while putting other things we got to know about him, into perspective. what i think i struggled with initially, and what i still struggle with now, is that we won’t get to see him explore any of those feelings. not with buck and not alone. if he was still a character on the show, even if him and buck never got back together, we’d get that chance to peel back the layers and understand the reasons behind him breaking up with buck when both of them essentially wanted the same thing: a future together. but we don’t get that opportunity since he was a side character/love interest.

and all in all, i think i would be able to appreciate the breakup and some of the reasoning behind it more if it wasn’t meant to be the hard end of their relationship when the narrative leaves it so open-ended and ready for deeper exploration. if there would be more to come - an aftermath - whether that be them making up (my ideal scenario and what to me makes the most sense for their stories), or finding some sort of closure with each other by having a conversation that really explores the feelings that were laid out rather suddenly and abruptly for us to digest.

[chelledoggo]

i'm spiraling again...

it's becoming increasingly apparent to me that i… may have to do some things in the next years that i've been afraid to do because of judgement from my family and the prospect of being homeless…

all my life i've been coddled. a bird in a gilded cage.

i might have to go out and protest whether they like it or not.

i may have to be vocal about my political stances… even to my own dad, the man who's ire i fear the most.

i might have to uphold my own God-given rights, even if i'm sent to jail for it.

if it gets bad enough, i may even have to consider… getting a passport. and… seeing if i can live on my own in canada.

i've never had to live on my own, much less in another country. i have such an emotional attachment to my family that i never considered i'd have to leave them.

a part of me is still trying to resist these possibilities. they're too scary. what if i die? what if i get sent to jail? what if i can never afford internet access or medicine or anything again? what if i never get to talk to my online friends again and i end up truly alone and afraid, with nothing to distract or console me?

i don't know… it's all just… so scary for me…

i'm a chronically fatigued autistic woman with depression and anxiety. i can't work. all i can do is… sleep.

i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

and also… i'd never be able to hug my mom again. for some reason that… scares me.

that's a stupid thing to be scared of. i'm a grown woman. i can't depend on mommy forever. but i never got to become an adult. all because i was coddled so much and raised in a stifling environment. i never really wanted for anything.

i don't wanna leave if i don't have to but... i'm afraid once he's in office, and if i ever need to leave…he'll make it so i can't.

i don't know what to do. i'm so sorry everyone.

i'm sorry i'm not the strong person you think i can be.

[ray-winters]

I am about to get a lil sappy here, but…I remember when I was in middle school, I was in private Catholic schooling, and I was dealing with the fact that I knew I was gay. I knew this was “wrong” because that’s what I was taught, so I suppressed it and tried so hard not to be. I told myself I’d do what my uncle did, which was push it down, marry a woman, and have kids like I was “supposed” to.

I remember specifically one day, I was home alone, and I knew I couldn’t keep it in for much longer. Jurassic Park was on my TV (weird detail to remember but I do) and I was sobbing on the couch pleading to God to just make it go away, and to make me straight. I didn’t even care if it made me an asshole and changed my personality I just wanted to be straight. I remember thinking it’d be easier to straight up just die than to live the rest of my life this way. Keep in mind this was around 2007-2008, gay marriage wasn’t even close to a reality, I had no positive gay rep that I knew of on TV or in movies, and again, private Catholic school so I was surrounded by homophobia. I didn’t come out for about 3 more years from this point.

I give this depressing backstory so that I can say-

I just woke up next to my husband, he is in the kitchen making us coffee, we have been together for 10 years, happily married for 1.5, and our only plans today are to play video games and then go do a performance of SCREAM’D together. I truly don’t think I’ve ever felt more fulfilled in who I am or what I’m doing in life. I have a great group of friends around me, I feel love & support from people from all across the world. I have truly made a genuine effort to create and portray queer characters almost exclusively and hopefully in doing so given people some representation that maybe they’re searching for. I’m 29 now, and if I could go back and tell 15 year old Ray that everything was gonna work out in its own way and in its own time, I would.

I know it’s cliche, but it does get better. It just takes time. And sometimes, you’ve got to make it better yourself. If you’re struggling, if you’re in a religious school, if you’re in a conservative area, I just want you to know that I know it’s tough rn to keep the faith; but it’ll be okay. You’ll be okay. It might just take a little bit of time. Find likeminded people, whether it’s irl or on the internet, there’s a community of people for everyone. There is a world of love & acceptance out there for you, you’ll find it 💙

[call-me-strega]

Dc x Dp prompt #25: Jason gets isekai-ed

It's been a while since I've done one of these and this has been sitting in my drafts so:

Danny Phantom exists in the DC universe as a TV show and comic series where they actually expand on lore and integrate fan lore that we the actual fandom has created (cores, obsessions, Ghost king, etc) bc the creator doesn’t suck. Like if Alex Hirsch (creator of Gravity Falls) had been in charge of it. Basically, DP being low-key like the DC of the DC universe kind of, but better.

Jason is with the Outlaws fighting some magical foe when he gets zapped into a conviently placed, tv/book/billboard or whatever and ends up in some rando's body in the DP universe.

I'm thinking full fledged isekai experience for Jason. We're talking guilt for stealing someone's life/body, not knowing how to interact with the pervious owner's family, wondering if there is a way to get home, bouts of homesickness and depression, being suspiciously talented and weird, having flashbacks to his previous life and the Horrors (bc you can't erase the PTSD), Jason contemplating his place in the universe wonder if he's more obligated to change it or to not change it, and getting involved with the protagonist whether he wants to or not.

I'd probably drop him early in the timeline while he can earn Danny's trust and make his and Jazz's lives better. He'd be so protective over them, trying to make their lives better. The Fentons are originally intrigued by his connection to the ghost zone bc he's more spiritually connected due to having died at least once and then being isekai-ed. He makes the kids his priority though. He grows up with them (plus Sam and Tucker) probably older than Danny but younger than Jazz so there's still a degree of separation. By the time the portal incident is about to happen, he's already decided after years of agonizing to do his best to not let it happen even if it changes the whole premise of the story/world.

I haven't really considered any ships or anything yet, but I think Jazz and Danny would both have childhood crushes on Jason bc he's really nice and always looking out for them. Whether they out grow it or not can be left to the imagination.

[fishbloc]

*Dr. Eggman voice* I miss you, Fishbloc, I miss you a lot. I'll be back (but seriously, I do miss you and your art!! I hope you're doing well and take care! <3)

wait this is so sweet 🥺

for my absence, i've been offline as usual (no surprise there). i tried to watch a bit of wild life but i keep forgetting oops. mcyt is a bit on the backburner lately. i have been more inclined recently to engage in the characters within my own verses and worlds, and also with friends.

but truthfully most of my time lately has been spent trying to live life in a less miserable way 👍 trying to reconnect with my old friends, trying to spend more time with current online friends. its probably not as holy as it sounds, and a lot of days are still spent quite aimlessly.

i dont draw as much as i like, but i don't hate myself for it! and the few art i do these days are just for other fandoms that doesn't fit this blog in particular haha (i have so many sideblogs...) that's why it seems like ive gone too quiet here. i've always been into various video games even before mcyt so i've just kinda revisited them.

that doesn't mean my life still doesn't have its really depressing miserable days, it still does. but im actively working towards in trying to view my life differently, even if only for a little bit.

i've talked a lot to a few people on regarding whether or not i want to let go of fishbloc, but i think ultimately that will always be an indefinite decision because im so sentimental towards this account and the people i've come to meet from here. besides! i am working on a few personal projects (sorry they have no set schedule oops) and a zine! so fishbloc as a whole can't be abandoned just yet.

for what its worth, i think mcyt will always be a core part of my life now, and it always was a subject i like drawing about due to the creative freedom it gave me unlike other fandoms and media. i just hope no one forgets me as i kinda hibernate right now, i'm still here.

and seeing this really helps me feel better for the uncertain times in my life that are coming. <3

[caxycreations]

I feel like you guys are missing the point.

He's a 900+ year old Time Lord. He's living as much as he possibly can, and he feels like it's nowhere near enough, and far too much, all at the same time.

This SAME MAN, same face and all, is the person who said "Sometimes I think a Time Lord lives too long"

He's the man who, literally in his NEXT regeneration, spends a third of his series depressed because he can't find an ounce of joy in the universe himself and NEEDS humans to show around so he can catch a hint of it through them.

The Doctor even states that humans "look like giants" to him, specifically BECAUSE of the fact that they live so much in such a short time.

This isn't a show about an awesome, nigh-immortal time-traveling alien.

It's a show about the pains and soul-crushing responsibilities that come with time travel and immortality.

And, of course, you're all forgetting the glaring fact of this episode, entirely separate from the quotes you're so eagerly judging:

THE MAN THE DOCTOR IS TALKING TO HAS TO EAT PEOPLE TO STAY YOUNG.

He literally KILLS PEOPLE to survive. The Doctor, talking him out of eternal life, is not just doing so because "long life bad", he's doing so because "eating people to live forever is an awful way to be" as well.

You're also disregarding his point entirely in favor of giving bad-faith analysis of the show.

His point is that whether you have 10 years or 20, how you spend that time is what matters, not the amount of time you have to spend.

He has eternity, and it's not worth it. He knows it isn't, and he's trying to stop anyone else from making that mistake. He's living for so long, and has lived so much, but it just isn't worth it anymore.

Lucy Lacemaker, from Satellite City (or, more officially, The August Few: Amygdala, though she never says this in there) puts it very well:

"Billions of years we've been about. And life's not worth much once the rest is gone. You get bored of the wind and the birds and the sound of laughter and the smell of pine. Life is like a piece of paper. And the writing is our lives. Our stories. When you only have 90 years, the ink turns to gold. So valuable are the words, the days you live. Cause soon, the story will end. But what if you have a never-ending page? A bottomless inkwell? The more you write, the less it all means. That's our curse. We live so long that it's not even life anymore. We're not living forever, we're dying forever."

@another-normal-anomaly said that if they kicked ass for 80 years, got saved, and kicked ass another 80, that's twice as much as they would have done. But that's still only 160 years, and it reinforces the Doctor's point; it's not the time that matters, it's the person, because others may spend that 160 years doing nothing, and some may spend that 160 years doing everything.

But they would still only have 160 years. Not forever. What the Doctor is warning against is eternity. Eternity is pointless.

@dagny-hashtaggart said the show is hypocritical in it's transhumanist stance for featuring an "awesome, nigh-immortal, time-traveling alien", but that just tells me they've either never watched the show or they have and 100% missed the point of the character of the Doctor.

Because the Doctor is not happy with his long life. He's not content or pleased about it. He's miserable. The only worth he finds in it is giving other, shorter-lived life forms the pleasure of seeing things they never could otherwise, and protecting the lives of those more fragile than him because he, at his core, has two values above all others:

If it kills me, I can put an end to this opera of my life, and I can finally rest

If it doesn't kill me, it means I've stopped it and other, more meaningful lives will be spared.

The Doctor is not some happy, positive character. He's a victim of a tragedy, and that tragedy is, quite painfully obviously, the fact he lives so long. His lifespan, his regeneration, is a curse to him, not a blessing. The fact you can call the show hypocritical for that tells me you've never seen it, or you've never understood it.

@argumate made a crude joke about a man with a big dick, named after having a big dick, saying that life wasn't about having a big dick.

Well, fun fact. If your dick were, say, 14 inches, as a human (which is a real condition that has happened), you would have heart problems every time you got erect, be entirely unable to enjoy penetrative sex (aside from the heart problems, you'd be unable to get more than a small fraction of your length in without hurting them), and if you ever tried to get a little more out of it, you'd seriously injure your partner.

Not only that, but you'd have social problems as well. Try hiding the outline when your flaccid length still reaches down past your knee. You'd be a laughing stock early on, and if you had frequent erections (say during puberty, post-growth spurt, pre-calming of the hormones), you'd be unable to hide it no matter how hard you tried.

It would cause more issues than that, too, believe me. And yet you're saying if a man who suffered from all of these problems told you "it's not all fun and games, having a big dick", you'd mock him for not loving the "gift" he's been "blessed" with?

All of you missed the point of the show, the character, and even the point of the scene you're remarking on.

I expected better comprehension on this site.

[themagical1sa]

🫂

How you feeling?

Hi hug anon. I was sleepy when I got this ask, so I went to sleep first (not to mention it was midnight at the time).

Every day gets better. It's never easy, and I'm sure there are consequences to what I didn't get to do, but it gets better, slowly but surely — at least, that's what I believe.

[deathricedrawn]

i'm ready to try

[boredomsbonedeep]

they're gonna bring jason back right?? and piper's coming too? and she'll be an important part of the plot instead of just getting mentioned at the end? and leo will be there? and then valgrace?

[moon--mama]

Apollo’s hatred of apples definitely wasn’t the only thing that set off those alarm bells, but I think the apples were a little unresolved at the end of ACFTL.

What I took away is that apples for Jacks were sort of like sewing for LaLa. Whenever he got the urge to kiss someone, he always had an apple on hand to fidget with or bite to distract himself.

I did wonder about the color of the apples though.

I can’t recall the apple being described as green or yellow or pink, just white, red, and black. It’s interesting that these correspond to the colors usually used to print playing cards, which are associated with Jacks in Caraval.

Here’s my guess about these colors, because they do seem significant:

RED: Jacks is only described as carrying a red apple in the quote below, when Evangeline finds a photo of him before he was a fate. Since there is an orchard at the Hollow, it makes sense that he may have often had apples on hand growing up. Especially as a hunter, who would have needed to live off the land while tracking animals like the first fox. Red apples are common, so this color signals his humanity.

WHITE: Jacks only carries white apples when he’s feeling hatred or ambivalence toward his companions. He is described as having a white apple in the end of ACFTL after he has ripped out his heart. He also carries a white apple when we first meet him in Legendary:

White is the color of a blank canvas, and it is often used to describe rage. More commonly it represents purity. In Jacks’s hands, I think that it is the color of a blank canvas.

BLACK: Jacks only has black apples on hand when he’s feeling emotional. Most of Evangeline’s series shows him with a black apple. He also carries one in Finale when he is feeling hurt by Tella:

In both series, his apple is black whenever he is feeling conflicted or depressed. As Jacks is warring with himself about his attraction to Evangeline, the apple reflects his mood.

When he says that he does not need the apples any more, I think it’s not just because he can kiss Evangeline whenever he likes. It’s also because he is no longer conflicted (black), nor is their relationship a blank canvas (white), and he is still not a plain human (red). If he ever has another cameo, I would be interested to see whether or not Jacks has an apple on hand, especially if he is out of reach from Evangeline.

I listened to most of these books. Did I miss some color symbolism?

spoilers for a curse for true love…

rant….solely about APPLES.

With the lil teaser via Stephanie:

“Apollo hated apples”

i’d like to state that this is sooooooo important to the breaking of the curse.

from the first book it’s established that Evangeline has a connection to Jacks… which I believe is stronger than true love to start his heart, but to break the archer/fox curse that has kill almost everyone he’s loved (Donatella being the exception).

Within the first 20 pages we are told that Jacks is her greatest heartbreak…

And then the motif continues once Evangeline gets to the North and well well well… the evidence is overwhelming. Not only is Jacks her biggest heartbreak (the past of his curse killing those he loved and the loss of her memory in the last book) but he is also her true love.

—-this we already know, but Evangeline will not… she will smell and taste the apples with a hinting sensations of love and affection but will not know what it means…

Further proof of her subconscious reminding her of Jacks

BUT

WHAT DO THE APPLES MEAN!??!?? To jacks.

truly I believe that since the apples taste like true love, they curb his instincts of kissing people to kill them- because all the fates can’t fight their feelings. So Jacks obsession with apples is just another form of his love for love but also his restriction to love anyone. Maybe he knows the apples taste like Evangeline…and that’s why “she’s better off not knowing” - to save her from kissing him and dying…

HIS IMPULSES BEING EVANGELINE??? I’ll die.

And lastly… Evangeline’s association with apples also causes… impulses too…

So, Apollo’s hatred of apples will send little alarm bells going off in her head/gut on her true feelings and memories. Maybe after coming into contact with Jacks again she’ll realize something is drawing her to him…

…

And a bonus moment that is overlooked…

[mysticalflyte]

Unwittingly Andy Warhol inspired 💥

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