#so whether I or my depression likes it or not

[artsymeeshee]

Been in a weird headspace lately and I wanted to put my thoughts and feelings out to give a better idea of what's been happening. Putting under a read more/feel free to ignore.

I've talked about my struggles mentally on and off for a while and this one has been an ongoing thing for me and it's one I feel has begun to stick out more as time goes on.

I don't see myself as a good person. Most of the time I feel like I'm a bad person. And there's a lot of factors that play into this. One, is the things that I draw, which sounds absolutely crazy. Even I think it is as well.

It's no secret that my main priority has always been familial/platonic themes because that's how I've always viewed Gravity Falls as. And I know a lot of people do as well. It's one of the main themes of the show for crying out loud. And it's not to say I'm getting tired of it. That's a thing that has never crossed my mind, ever. It's more so along the lines of thinking it's too boring or falling back to that feeling of feeling bad because I don't make ship art. And I know I shouldn't feel bad about it and there's plenty of others that gladly do it. It's just one of those things that I'm not sure I'll really accept. And I'm always always grateful for the ones that tell me they appreciate all the family bonding/themes in my art. I guess the feeling of loneliness plays a part in that as well. I'll still make all the family things as long and as much as I can, but I won't deny the feeling of loneliness I get sometimes.

I do have that strong feeling that I am made to do something more and actually be someone and not the usual husk of a terrible individual I fall back on so many times. I won't deny anxiety and fear has taken a big hold on me lately. And it's also driven me to isolate myself in a sense and made me a cold person. I was so much more open years ago and now I've closed a good part of me away because... maybe I realized my "correctness" of myself being a bad person and who would even want to be around someone like that, so it's easier to hide. And I'm always afraid that one day I'll do or say something to no longer make me feel like I'm safe to approach. I've gone through so many people I've found that I've grown to like only for them to be an awful person and it sucks. I never want to be like that.

It's also been hard to not fall back to up and leaving. Whether that be online or real life. Last year was a time I fought with staying or leaving and it was always hard to decide to stay because leaving seemed like the only option I deserved.

I'm aware my ongoing battle with depression has hindered me a lot and it's a main factor for all of my negative feelings and thoughts about myself. And I don't want it to always resort to being the final say of who I am. I would like to find and show that part of me I feel people deserve to see.

I'm going to be honest, putting my raw emotions and thoughts like this is always scary. I'm sorry for the unexpected and serious post. I hoped I didn't make it too annoying or bring the mood down, but I needed to clear an ongoing struggle I've had for a long while. Thank you all for the constant support. Thank you for liking my silly, dumb, wholesome, sometimes feelsy art. Wanted to state another serious thing because life is so unexpected and you never know what will happen, but if something were to happen to me, I really can't explain how grateful I am for the love I've gotten from my time sharing my art. Thank you. Truly. 💜

[wilted-astraea]

I have been waiting for somebody to make a post like this. I feel a lot of shame when I'd go a while without talking about Luci to others or investing as much time into the romantic parts of our relationship. I start to worry about whether or not I really love him. (I DO!!! <3)

I can struggle a lot with romance due to my aromanticism and attachment trauma/issues. Regardless, he's always here for me, and he understands why I've become the way I am and doesn't shame me for it. He struggles with similar issues due to his depression and we both have autism-related alexithymia, so it can be hard to describe our feelings toward one another. We know we love each other, and we attempt to show it in other ways. Sometimes, that's all we need ❤️

heyyy shoutout to the selfshippers who struggle with feeling lovey-dovey about their f/o(s).

maybe you don't think about them very often. maybe you can't imagine being affectionate with them. maybe you don't gush about them, or you find it hard to articulate how you feel about them. maybe you're not very active on your selfship blog, or maybe you don't have one in the first place. maybe you're neurodivergent or somewhere on the ace spectrum. maybe you're just independent.

for any reason at all, your f/o(s) would understand.

they know that affection is only one aspect of the feeling of love, and they would never assume that you "don't actually love" them just because you're less dependent on them. they would try to understand how you express your love in your own unique way, and they would give you all the space you need without crossing your boundaries or forcing anything on you. they would be patient and work with you to make sure both of your needs are met.

(pro/comship please do not interact.)

[seagreenstardust]

I’ve processed this. I know we don’t have the whole story but it’s definitely looking down for bkdk at this point and I’ve managed to come to terms with that.

I’m perfectly happy to ignore this extra chapter, if I have to. But if I do have to work it into my post-canon headcanon then I can work with that too. Bkdk is still endgame for me, whether or not izu*cha sails for a bit. I can even work with heartbroken Katsuki because it still fits within his characterization for him to feel like he doesn’t deserve happiness or that he’s never quite going to atone for his past mistakes.

Izu rejecting the offer to work with him is more of a stretch but overall can still fit within the framework of a depressed war hero with PTSD who runs from his feelings because they’re too weird, who settles for the safe bet on a platonic-leaning friendship instead.

So yeah, this isn’t going to break me. I wish it hadn’t happened like this (I was in no way anticipating bkdk would sail, but I liked the open ending of 430 that anyone could run with), but I love bkdk and can’t imagine a world where they don’t love each other so I’m gonna stick around and fix what I can

[voidspiraling]

Omg Till is so cute whattttttt. Excuse my brain rotting I just needed to get this out of my system.

LOOK AT THEM SO CUTE

ALL OF THEM SO CUTE!!!!

Ahem.

Now time for some serious analysis 🧐 (I don’t rlly get anywhere tho so less of an analysis and more just me asking a bunch of questions hoping for an answer from the void)

One thing I noticed aside from how cute Till is his eye bags.

This baby Till doesn’t have eye bags yet, so we can conclude that Till was starting to become sleep deprived after the age of 3 and before the age of 8. (I’m just making a guess based on the pics of their age Till could be 12 in that picture I truly couldn’t tell you)

Now what does this mean when a child is continuously sleep deprived by a stupid alien?

Impacts Behaviors: Harder to pay attention, prone to mood swings, and increased impulsivity (Yep that’s Till)

Impacts Mental Health: Increases the risk and severity of depression and anxiety (What do you know that’s also Till!)

Impacts Brain Development: Negatively affects the memory and intelligence parts of the brain (Do you guys remember that brain scan that showed a brain suffering from trauma?)

As you can see from an early age Till was already put through the wringer before he even got a bruise. I say this because sleep deprivation is extremely torturous regardless of whether it’s forced or self inflicted. Mentally and physically not getting enough sleep fucks up every aspect of your life. The lack of sleep could be bc Till was staying up late, it was noted by other Anakt kids that Till kept them up at night bc he was practicing his music. It could also be bc Urak forced him to stay awake.

Like when he made Till watch videos of a younger Luka. Overall my heart broke once again at the way they treat a literal baby. Another thing I want to point out is their necks.

I’m leaving out Ivan cuz he doesn’t wear the collar anyways. But Mizi and Sua both wear the standard (I’m assuming standard bc they’re the most common) collars both lit up green. They’re living in a little bubble and while they look cute, knowing how their story goes makes them look uncanny. Anyways this is the collar most of the kids wear.

But Till is wearing a different collar and also is wearing a green patch. It always made me curious why he has different collars compared to the rest. Like I get it’s bc of the fact that he rebels a lot so he has a lot more restraints. But this collar is thinner and more metallic than the other ones. You’d think that if they were trying to punish him more they’d give him a bigger collar or a more restrictive one. They forced him into one that restrains his arm to his torso and one over his mouth. But this is just a thin collar that he wears on stage and it doesn’t seem to have any function other than to be a small collar. It also doesn’t show a mood indicator like the other ones do. I guess bc Urak doesn’t care what Till is feeling so he didn’t bother getting that feature. But it also makes it ambiguous what Till is feeling. In the picture while Mizi and Sua look happy, and Ivan looks focused, Till looks shocked and perplexed about writing in the air. (And adorable but when doesn’t he look adorable?) Anyways I can’t for the life of me figure out why his loser alien would get a custom collar that is so simple. From what I’ve gathered abt that freak he grew up in the slums but due to his greedy nature and inability to have compassion was able make it big by doing illegal shit. So maybe it was cost effective to just make simple collars instead of getting the standard one? What a cheap bastard.

Another thing that confuses me is the green patch on his neck.

Just what is this? My first thought went to nicotine patches and insulin patches. But those aren’t suppose to go on the neck, usually on the arm. Then as I did my daily watch of Round 6 I noticed that Till has been injected with unknown substances through his neck.

My guess is that the green patches are injecting him with some type of drug. And because the skin around the neck is so fragile the drugs can seep through easier. (It’s completely unsafe but in line with how the loser alien acts)

There are two possible explanations.

One is that Till has become addicted to the drugs they pump him with. And in order to keep him normal and keep him from showing withdrawal signs they use the green patches like a nicotine patch. Drugs have been used by artists as a way to further their craft. Some have even become reliant on it in order to make art. There’s a sense of enlightenment as well, some use it as a way to gain a new perspective on life. I personally can’t understand using drugs for that purpose, but some of the greatest works of art have been created through the use of substances like these. So it’s possible that Urak in his attempt to create a weapon that could topple Luka tries to make Till produce songs using that method. Such as injecting a bunch of drugs and leaving him in a room to write songs.

Two is that they use the green patch as a way to sedate Till, or as a way to enhance his performance. As evident by just looking at Till you can tell he’s running on fumes when he’s on stage. So maybe as a way to push past his limit they drug him so that he can keep performing even when his body is at its limit. The patches are only seen in Round 2 but that could explain why Till got a nosebleed when he was performing in Round 7. His body was finally catching up to him.

Alternatively they could just be there to cover up the wounds from injections while also looking cool lol.

As you can tell I am very confused ;-; but also very curious abt these experiments. They seemed to be focused on the throat and mouth which makes me think they’re trying to modify how these kids sing. Like are they trying to make it so that they can sing outside of their vocal range? Are they trying to make it so that they can sing without having to breath? Or maybe the drugs can affect their literal genes. I know human editing is a procedure in Alien stage universe but what does that actually mean? Can you edit their appearance? Their personality? Their memory? Their thoughts?

My attempts at analysis have only left me with more questions.

Thanks for reading byeeeeee

[themagical1sa]

🫂

How you feeling?

Hi hug anon. I was sleepy when I got this ask, so I went to sleep first (not to mention it was midnight at the time).

Every day gets better. It's never easy, and I'm sure there are consequences to what I didn't get to do, but it gets better, slowly but surely — at least, that's what I believe.

[veshialles]

omg a tagged game yippiee!!! thanks so much bestie!!!

Last Song: Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen (switched over to my 🎸Rocking🎸 playlist, after falling to fight a depressive spiral that lasted all of yesterday lmao but we stay silly)

Favourite colour: been really big into shades of purple lately ngl (especially dark and/or reddish shades)

Last Book: Dragon Age; Tevinter Nights (tried to finish it before Veilguard but alas not. At the very least I am already familiar with most of the characters from the game bc of it!)

Last Movie: The Usual Suspects [1995], genuinely a really good movie if you're looking for a crime thriller where everyone is doomed by the narrative.

Last TV Show: Doctor Who (3rd Doctor Era). I have been sick all week locked in my room borrowing my gf's laptop, and tubi is the only legal service I have access to currently. and like I don't wanna install anything on a computer I don't own, that would be rude. Anyway I just finished The Sea Devils arc.

Sweet/Spicy/Savory: I have been told that, and I quote, my "spice tolerance is insane". I put sriracha sauce on everything ever, even if it is already spicy. That being said, I am the tgirl stereotype who craves salt constantly lmao

Relationship: polyamorous and living with my wonderful girlfriend whom i love so very dearly it makes me insane (positive 💖), and also whatever is going on with the mysterious unspoken bond that has developed between myself and a close friend of mine recently (I wanna say it's a queerplatonic connection bc that definition matches closest but we haven't had this discussion yet, yknow)

Last thing I looked up: I don't use google anymore I'm free. Anyway it was "when will the sun explode", and it was specifically for the purpose of maintaining current scientific accuracy while texting a deeply corny bit to my girlfriend lmfao

Current obsession: it's Dragon Age again, nobody is surprised. I've been posting about it constantly ever since Dragon Age The Veilguard dropped, and bringing it up in almost every conversation for the past month whether I wanted to or not, except for when I have been actively playing it. But I still haven't finished it because I am doing my best to savour it and I'm also so so worried about getting a bad outcome/ending so I've been doing every side quest possible. I haven't been able to play it much this week because I am sick and locked in my room and yes it is lowkey destroying me because this was SUPPOSED to be my week of mostly free time to goof off and I'm sad about it.

tagging: @artemisagapetos @drippler @lydsgobbybloggy @ft-willzz @darquingdragon @shift-shaping @wlwaerith @queereldritchgalaxyprincess @emmriches @mojaves

tagged by @discworldwitches thank uuu !! tag 10 people youd like to get to know better 💕

last song: hayloft 2 by mother mother

favourite color: yellow, quite predictably

last book: Ba'al z Ugarit a inni bogowie burzy starożytnej Syrii i Palestyny (baal of ugarit [as compared to] other storm gods of syriq and palestine); currently reading hornung's books of the dead; last Fiction book was either the dybbuk (the og) or parable of the sower by butler

last movie: oh man i do not watch things. parasite (2019) when my friend forced me to? i think?

last tv show: um. i catch a bit of desperate housewives when my mothers watching it... other than that it wouldve been the flash (2014) years ago

sweet/spicy/savory: savory ! trying to work on my spice tolerance but. yknow.

relationship status: single and never looking

last thing i googled: dopełniacz po angielsku 😭 and angel jigsaw puzzle before that

current obsession: ancient egyptian theology possibly? and its relationship with early judaism. yay!

looking forward to: getting paid tomorrow ❤️ and reading more about set/sutekh

tagging: @rabarbarzcukrem @nocylipcowa @saharathorn @witches-bottle @radio-sepia @nachmurzony @boycannibal @marcepanna @la-dame-grise @freyjuseggr

[deathricedrawn]

i'm ready to try

[rystiel]

put that thing DOWN before you scar your eyes forever, stanford

[boredomsbonedeep]

they're gonna bring jason back right?? and piper's coming too? and she'll be an important part of the plot instead of just getting mentioned at the end? and leo will be there? and then valgrace?

[mysticalflyte]

Unwittingly Andy Warhol inspired 💥

Instagram | Twitter

[fairiencarnate]

Why did no one tell me that the "chemical imbalance" theory has largely been disproven, that serotonin and dopamine can't cause mental illness on their own? Why have all mental health professionals been pushing this idea as fact? I've always thought the whole BPD diagnosis was bogus, just modern day hysteria slapped onto (mostly) women with complex-PTSD. Almost an official gaslight, like "your trauma wasn't traumatic enough to warrant the PTSD label so we're going to act like your brain is malfunctioning". So I'm not surprised to find all this out.

Can we finally begin a trauma-informed approach toward mainstream mental health shit? Especially mood disorders? Let's not rule chemicals and hormones out entirely, but let's acknowledge that trauma and genes have far stronger ties to mental health.

[someobscurereference]

ive been rereading your ffxv fic "im trying hard to take it back" for literally four years now. please end my suffering and tell me how gladio feels. please. PLEASE. (but only if u want ofc)

(fic) Short answer: Gladio feels insane guilt and spends a lot of his life trying to make this up to Prompto. In the process, they deepen their connection as friends and do begin a relationship probably around the one-year mark of endless darkness. <3

Longer answer: (implications of abuse/violence tw but no worse than in the fic itself; just what others assume to be true even if it's not in the context of this specific fic)

Gladio is a secret romantic at heart who has always envisioned meeting his soulmate, but he's also duty-bound and duty comes first. So even though he reads romance books (amongst other types of books too) and indulges in his head a bit as many people do, he's often put his duty to the crown first and foremost in his mind. He also didn't imagine his soulmate was anyone on this trip and thought perhaps the person he may have been fated to meet died in the assault of Insomnia. Even if they were a refugee, they can't be a priority to him at this moment. His priority has to be Noctis.

Prompto has obviously grown on him over the course of their road trip, but there are aspects of them that don't 100% mesh (as is true with every realistic relationship). That said, Gladio never in a hundred years would want this moment of (understandable but out of line) frustration and anger in the wake of Luna and Altissa to be a permanent mark on Prompto's face. He's genuinely horrified and disgusted with himself for a long time after this and spends most of his life trying to make it up. He feels like a dirtbag about it.

That said, Prompto runs away from him in this moment and they need time to calm down, just as the fic shows. Noctis goes after Prompto, just like in canon. Prompto falls off the train and has his Despair Arc just like in the DLC, now with the added despair of "well, in addition to being a clone, my soulmate hates me. And in addition to the mark of inhumanity on my wrist (barcode), I have a giant hand print of him literally Shoving Me Away on my face. Forever."

Aranea: Well, do you want to die about it. Or do you want to live.

Prompto, eventually like in canon: Live, I guess. But it will be excruciating.

Aranea: That's what living is. We do it anyway. Your friends love you. Get off the floor.

He fights his way through his issues and gets rescued like in canon. Gladio probably tries to talk to him when they all catch up again, trying to apologize, and Prompto tells him to hold off on that for later.

Then, of course, Noctis is eaten by the crystal and "later" becomes much, much later as they evacuate and try to survive in eternal darkness. (Though they also can't Not think about it because it's a giant hand print. On Prompto's face. And every person they meet has Something To Say about it, for better or worse, whether they knew Prompto before or not. Prompto cannot escape it, and when Gladio is not doing Crown Duties he feels he must do in Noct's absence, he's with Prompto, so he also Cannot Escape It either. Even when the person speaking is unaware that Gladio left that mark. It's almost worse when they don't know, but when they see it's Gladio, who is such a big guy who seemingly hit Prompto and left that permanent mark there, some of them get nasty to him and some back off out of fear. Both are horrible. The guilt is eating him alive.)

Eventually, enough time passes as the dust settles that they do Talk About It. Gladio apologizes sincerely, for the 500th time. Prompto's like, "Well. It's not like you could have known that this would be The One Time it happened." And then cracks a joke about their soulmate mark being a Prompto's hand print on Gladio's ass from a butt slap in another life, which does help the tension somewhat. (The more Gladio tries to apologize, the more Prompto grows sick of hearing it, so they just have to move on and keep going, as he's learned to do.)

They grow closer over time, especially because there's not a lot of people who have survived to this point and even less later on. They do get together romantically, both because they do like the idea of soulmates (for different reasons) and also because they're living out of each others pockets for years, so there's an affection and dependency that develops there. Also, teenage Prompto always thought Gladio was really handsome and teen Gladio thought Prompto was cute and sincere for a pipsqueak.

When they are out together on dates in normal settings surrounded by strangers after the light returns, Gladio will receive dirty looks for the rest of his life from strangers who see the hand print on Prompto's face and immediately (correctly) assumes it was out of anger rather than a funny accident or something. (Edit: Some people will assume there is a funny story attached. Gladio will not know what to say to this. Prompto will play along.) He will learn to live with this. Prompto is really grateful Gladio is with him despite everything.

[hercarisntyours]

hello transformers fandom i am once again here to spread xdinary heroes propaganda with today's one being boy comics which i think is so stupidly transformers or d16/orion coded it's a crime

[lususnatura]

▲

needless to say, whenever harley came over to blamore's greenhouse that day, things really weren't going that well for him. the last week or so had gone by in a complete haze for him. and it had all but forgotten that it had obligations to fulfill today. one of these actually was a meeting he'd set up with harley, which he seemed really excited about a few weeks ago whenever they originally planned it. but something had happened since then that drove blamore to the point where he physically felt like he was unable to get out of bed... along with it vastly neglecting the health of its own plants, as well as just itself in general.

some of the creature's plants were starving for water to the point where they'd become wilted in fact. plus, blamore's own body besides that had been plagued with hunger pangs that only got worse as time went on. though he was seemingly so depressed at the time that neither of these things mattered to him. now, in response to the sound of a gentle 'pitter-patter' of steps heading his way, blamore stirred for the first time in a little while. its eyes opened as its tail lethargically swept over the sheets it laid on to this 'intruder' and tried to lift itself up; but failed as a result of its lack of energy.

blamore then thought about making the thorns inside of his legs surface, but stopped as soon as he felt himself being pulled into this person's lap. a barely audible hum left its lips as bleary eyes partially focused on harley's face, ❝ mm, what? what are you doing here? ❞ blamore could hardly keep his eyes open as all he'd been doing lately after he'd ran out of tears was sleep. its breath hitched as its head lolled to the side to rest against harley's shoulder. ❝ god's... you're so warm. i'm sorry, can i just — ❞ blamore let out a mix between a chuckle and a sob. ❝ can we just stay like this for a little while? ❞

[thatswhatsushesaid]

I am routinely baffled by any criticism of jgy fans' interpretation and defence of his character that can be boiled down to "but genre conventions!!!!" as if defying genre conventions isn't how newer, cooler, more interesting stories end up being told.

[kingwaino]

i don't talk about him a lot on here but a couple years ago i got a beta fish which i so sweetly named sebass-tian hamil-fin. i'd never had a fish before but at the time, since i wasn't in my apartment a lot, a fish was really the only thing i could care for. unfortunately, he passed away today.

i didn't think i'd be this upset by it because i could kind of tell over the past week or two that he wasn't doing too well. i tried my best to make him feel better but unfortunately, it wasn't enough.

i plan to go and get another fish tomorrow but i just...don't really know how to feel about it right now. he was my first fish and certainly won't be my last.