#so unfortunately im going to have to trial and error my way into making like. real life friends or finding people. wherever tf i go next

[notedchampagne]

i know things wont change like *snap* that but i hope for this year i am forced to get new experiences. im undersocialized and overafraid and desperate to try and hit a few random benchmarks after essentially 21 years of just following a path. if i continue the way i always was ill rot along the road laid for me

[iinryer]

Hey! I’ve recently been trying to transition into doing more freelance work. I was wondering if you had any advice or suggestions on how to get noticed and build more of a network. I feel like I’ve built a decent portfolio and I definitely feel qualified but networking ur work can be really difficult. Like I know nothing lol.

man yeah marketing and networking is a slog, but it’s an important endeavor 😭😭

unfortunately, a lot of it is individual and is going to be trial and error, but social media is where you’re going to get your best reach. post often, reblog/retweet/repost even more, use an absurd number of hashtags and keywords, BE ANNOYING!! because the truth is? you’re not annoying anyone, and if you don’t feel like you’re being annoying you’re not doing enough to push your stuff. no one is ever going to be online at the same time as you so YOU might feel like you’re doing too much, but most people probably won’t even see your work until the third time you’ve reposted it.

do some cursory research into best practices on different platforms, whether they favor comments or reposts etc etc and do your best to feed the machine. your goal is to get eyes on the things you make! a lot of freelancing for me personally is Being The Product. im in a weird spot where my work is also being a person on camera and being social and making myself available to an audience, so i have to sell myself, but that’s honestly pretty useful across the board for freelancing from scratch. social media can be kind of soul sucking but it really is the key to spreading your work to those who are going to want to work with you.

do a trend, make a gimmick for your commissions on occasion, post imperfect stuff, post unfinished stuff, post stuff you’ve posted before, post teasers and sneak peeks and close ups and things you like and redraws of things you didn’t. you just have to get up off the ground, and then it gets easier, but starting is the hardest part and the only way to start is to just do it. you’ll find your niche! but you have to go digging until it finds you too. people who get you work will be the ones to get you more work, either by hiring you again or by recommending you to others they know. keep good relationships, be kind, engage (to your comfort level) with people when they engage with your work, and value yourself.

i don’t know how helpful any of this will be for you, but maybe you’ll be able to pull something useful from it!! put yourself out there! you just have to get started!

[ghost-of-a-system]

Sorry if this is weird to ask, im a questioning system but ive been having trouble finding ways to understand myself & about others in my possible system, and i also have aphantasia, do you have any advice? (/notpushing)

not a weird question whatsoever! this may be lengthy so i am going to add one of those "keep reading" things to prevent a whole novel on someone's feed, lol. hopefully it works.

trying to determine whether or not you're a system can be a very long, slow, and frustrating process. for us it took years, and we are still learning new things all of the time, it seems. i don't know if you mean to also ask for advice on determining that, so i'll leave it out, but feel free to reach out again if that was something you were hoping for too.

because of that slow process, it's unfortunately not so easy to try to find out what works for you, especially when you have aphantasia, and, i assume, no vivid-interactive inner world, like other systems. (since we can't exactly just walk around and interact with everyone like we, i assume, could there. /lh) it really is just a process of trial-and-error, trying things and seeing what works, and what doesn't.

we have personally found that we learn best about ourselves and each other through fronting. it is a little broad, but, when we have no inner world or "place to go" when we aren't fronting, we only really have the ability to connect to and explore ourselves when we are fronting. the same goes for learning about others in our system. we personally have OSDD-1b, and do not experience "blackouts" or memory gaps like individuals with, say, DID, would. we have a fairly consistent train of memory, although events do get kind of fuzzy after they happen (within hours). because of that fuzziness, it's not always easy to just remember things about whoever was here once they're gone.

we personally like to use Simply Plural (the app, but it has a website too). it's an app for systems to log who's fronting and make "profiles" for each headmate/alter. the app is handy for many reasons but we personally enjoy how it lets you add "custom fields" such as names, likes, dislikes, etc. virtually whatever you want, hence the "custom". this allows us to be able to list things about ourselves on our personal profiles, that both us and others can look at or reference later. if something like that isn't an option, old-fashioned journaling could always work just as well for logging information about yourself. we just personally find Simply Plural more easy since we carry our phone basically everywhere lol

like all things, that can be tricky, especially for headmates/alters who do not front often, or at all. we have had alters like that in the past, ones who practically never fronted. unfortunately, we were sort of just left in the dark about them, or never even learned their names. we only ever knew they existed for the few moments they seemed to pop in. it can also be tricky if you do have blackouts/memory gaps, or if you have alters who just don't want to log information about themselves, even if it's private. we unfortunately don't have much advice for that, since the first is something we don't have experience with and the second is sort of a just, "can't really force them to do what they don't want to, i guess", unless you co-front with them or are able to learn enough about them to do it yourself.

sorry for the long post. it's easier for us to add details to get our point across rather than summarizing. hopefully it made some sense.

[viscerawrites]

status update 9/28/2024

just a lil post to announce what fics ive worked on/tasks ive crossed off my checklist today! its mostly for myself rlly fcngnhkk buuut its here if anyone's curious ig? Im just chilling

---

what ive accomplished today:

wrote 492 words for chapter 2 of where love didn't exist

today was the first time ive been able to work on this fic (w/o anxiety) since i first posted it in january, so that's pretty nice! tbh i lost so much confidence in it after i lost my therapist since i was hoping to use it as a coping fic while i processed shit. but who knows, maybe it'll still help me learn things abt myself. regardless, im excited to be back at it!

wrote 156 words for my sleep token oneshot wip, the body as a temple ; got it to 913!

i havent worked on this one in a while either lol, mostly bc i started it right before The Anxiety started hitting me every time i sat down to write. i was honestly rlly nervous to return to it cuz i was scared I wouldn't be able to keep writing it at all. but im giving myself the grace to move slow, so. rare W for me.

retyped/sorta edited 582 words for chapter 1 of my hollywood undead wip the exorcism of jorel decker

i actually posted this 1st chapter a long while ago! then i deleted it, tried to rework into original fiction, realized i was having much more fun writing it as bandfic, and then foolishly orphaned the original version instead of just deleting </3 but the good news abt that is. idk if i still have it in my google docs at all. so at least i have that to reference LOL.

---

soo.

today is saturday september 28 (this month is going by way too fast fr) and it's just past 6pm rn. got a late start today bc i was exhausted as shit for a while, then i talked to my mom incessantly for what was apparently hours. So i only got started around 3pm (but i still needed to warm up, soo it took longer. Bleh).

didn't set my checklist goals at the start of the day like i planned to bc i was having The Anxiety and a bit of decision paralysis. and was also worried abt.. Various things. so it doesn't feel as successful today, but ive still gotten shit done and that's what should matter to me.

out of everything ive typed today, ive done abt 1,230 words in total so far. Most of that was unfortunately just me retyping shit ive already written and am now moving from google docs to ellipsus (which i highly recommend btw). i typically prefer to retype into new software instead of pasting; it gets the brain flowing better.

but i did still write some new words, and a lot of what i retyped was modified and added to. or cut. Whatever it needed rlly.

im still trying to find the proper schedule for myself + the best way to juggle my millions of projects/ideas. I need to allow myself some wiggle room while still having some structure. adhd is making this a bit difficult (as it so often does), but it's rlly just trial and error rn. Plus a lot of self-acceptance and focusing on making things easier and more fun for myself - instead of worrying abt the "most reasonable" way to do things. Or anything others might recommend.

I do still plan on writing some more before the night is done, so I might be back w/ an update for this before I head to bed. I got distracted by my brother while writing this post so it's now just after 6:45 LOL.

---

gonna close this post off w/ music ive been rlly liking today! bc,, why not.

Animals - Ice Nine Kills (maroon 5 cover)

Disturbia - The Cab (rihanna cover)

What I Never Learned In Study Hall - Ice Nine Kills

[strawglicks]

Sorry for the ramble in your inbox incoming- I'm a really huge fan of your analysis type posts like the ones about Cathal and recently Flint ;A; So I hope its ok to maybe throw in my own 2 cents about Cogs/their society- (Sorry this gets rambly I thought about this last night and writing this like an hour after waking up lol)

I think what alot of people kind of (I wouldnt say ignore- more of:) don't really get is that I dont believe characters like Cathal or Flint have bad tendencies because they really want to in a way, (I kind of worded that poorly but point is) but because their society rewards and encourages that type of behavior. I think you said something kind of similar on Cathals post- But especially for Flint, whose a Bossbot (Who are literally the embodiment of a toxic workplace and elitism. I believe a old snippet from the TTO magazines says "They have no real skills of their own, just the ability to push down others and stay on top!" Or something to that nature.) he has to be demanding and imposing. There is no benefit to him in being kind. (Like looking at Misty for example) And don't get me wrong I don't believe that if Flint and Cathal were removed from Cog society they'd be better/objectively nicer (Like Flint not being condescending to Toons and Cathal not making people do things for him and being encouraged to try) But I do wonder how much of it is pressure, or how much of it is egged on and rewarded. Atleast in the aspects it relates to how they treat others.

(..And also I wonder what happens to Cogs that don't get jobs and are seen as ..not functioning. Since Graham was freaking the hell out in "Meeting Of Two Minds" over the possibility of not getting the job. I have a whole thing about this actually in my oc lore but thats another thing entirely I'll write about someday I swear)

Also I gasped when I saw the doodle of Graham in the MSI shirt finally a MSI listener Graham truther. I think he'd like the album "How I Learned To" and of course "You'll Rebel To Anything". I associate him mainly with the songs "Lights Out", "On It", and "You're No Fun Anymore" :p (This has been my favorite band since I was like 13 and now I get to spill all my opinions xD) I always imagined him doing the guitar backbend their bassist does! And my final hc is that Flint plays bass and Graham plays the main guitar. I think it fits them .. some people overlook bass when its actually pretty hard to learn from what I hear and vital to the song. (Like heres Feel Good Inc w/o the bass.. feels wrong x_x)

Anyways thanks for reading ;A; take care and happy new year!

RAHHHH EATING THIS UP YUM YUM YUM YES YES YOU GET IT

THe biggest issue with Cogs Inc is that it REWARDS and ENCOURAGES these poor behaviors, worsening these characters as people. ESPECIALLY cathal considering the position of power they’re in. I’m sure it applies to a ton of other cogs too, but unfortunately I haven’t gotten to them yet bc I’m not as insane abt them . LMAO

And yeah since cogs are literally built for work, it’s a wonder what happens to those who can’t find a job as easily as others. Hoping that gets built on since it’s clear in MOTM that these cogs have to actually apply and go to interviews and probably face some trial and error to land a job, just like people IRL.

ALSO. THE BAND HCS. I love it and you’re SOOOO RIGHT about the backbend that is so grahamcore. And yes I’m pretty sure Flint does play bass, I think his creator mailman said smth abt that on their blog . AND IM SO GLAD YOU BROUGHT UP FEEL GOOD INC bc i did draw flint in a demon days shirt in that same animatic . And ive def drawn them in the same shirt a couple times in the past too . I’ve always imagined him to be a Gorillaz fan, maybe graham too

Anyway ty for these thoughts im eating them up and leaving no crumbs . I love when ppl come to ramble in my inbox bc discussing this stuff IS SO FUN and a good outlet for me esp when i might be having art burnout rn .

[rin-and-jade]

How can I gain the trust of my alters as an introject of our system’s abuser?

I hardly get the chance to front and whenever I do I am cut off from my other alters. They do not trust me, they are afraid of me, and many actively hate me.

At first I did struggle to determine that I was not actually literally my source. But at this point I do know better and I am trying to change for the better. But my alters do not see me as my own person. They see me as the one who traumatized them. They don’t understand that I am also a victim.

Unfortunately we do not have access to therapy at this time. Our system seems so fragmented to me, but it is painful to see whenever I front the evidence of my alters collaborating and getting along while simultaneously isolating me and pushing me away. On one hand, I am happy for them and their progress. On the other, it makes me feel even more isolated and alone, because I have never been afforded the opportunity to connect in those ways. My alters run from me and want nothing to do with me. I actively trigger them and our brushes of contact range from them acting cold and terse to downright panicking and fleeing… and this is with me making active efforts to behave in ways that differ from my source.

Any insight or resources for abuser-introjects would be immensely appreciated. Thank you for your time and consideration.

First of all, im very sorry that you're going through this. It can be very isolating and difficult to deal with such treatment, and i personally understand this from my own experience through my own developed persecutory behaviors due to maltreatment too,, which all my other parts do struggle understanding. I can say am qualified to help you through my own experience (also trial and error).

Here is a very detailed post i have made about introjection, and this also helps people think more deeper on what's the deal with parts and their sources, good or bad. This would help them--and yourself, understand much better too. Give it a read alright?

Also, persecutors or abuser-introjected parts are highly misunderstood, and only a slight fraction are the ones who are malignant (purposely causing havoc with no goal in mind) which probably caused fears surrounding it.

It will be difficult for them to accept you--or be curious about you even. But it is possible, with time and effort. Let's get to the point:

identify your source, and compare how similar you are to it. This takes a good while to realize, so do not rush and assume, you are here to survey and collect whatever resemblance you can catch.

Dismantle and understand the reason behind those actions. From there on, if you do catch some resemblance, or you recognize what you introjected from the abuser, dig deeper on why do you internalize such behavior or attitude. Be open and curious on what can be done in a different manner, that will not be associated with being bad or evil.

Getting them to see you as who you are is difficult until they know you acted different from your source. Which is why we need to attempt to drag their attention with active efforts for communication. Even if they do not respond to you, or actively isolate you--say them a good morning, send some short acknowledgement for your progress. Saying what you have in mind can help them gauge better on what's your intention better. You can even apologize, an abuser doesn't usually care doing that, right? So that'll totally do something.

This isn't one way either, they also should learn to be curious. Find opportunities to present similar resources (like my linked post) that they have trouble understanding to their fyp, or through a friend, be creative. If that isn't feasible, then asking simple questions like "what are you achieving from this?" about your treatment will also bring answers and underlying problems that they struggle with too. This is the hardest part i personally went through, though. But it totally made their little pea brain turn some gears.

Anywho, i am open to communicate and keep in contact with you through my DMs! It is not my first time having cases similar to this so i might be of help to you.

Also therapy generally sucks if you're from america. I'll do my best to give unconditional hospitality and advices for the community. This blog is made for that.

- j

[fearowkenya]

Cold-blooded, ruthlessly efficient, and cruel in its methods. These are words that can be applied to an alligator, sizing up its target as it lurks beneath the surface and waits for the perfect opportunity to drag it into the depths. The same words can equally apply to Shuuji’s father, who never stops watching his every move, judging Shuuji for missteps he doesn’t even know he’s making as he tries to live up to unclear and impossible expectations.

Stressed, scared senseless, and operating entirely on adrenaline. These are words that can be applied to somebody attempting to escape from an alligator, desperate for a shred of hope. The same words can equally apply to a participant in a game of capture the flag, where one team’s lone survivor fights for their life in hopes that a singular small success will turn the tides.

Shuuji gets a weird text at the worst possible time. Ryo risks his neck for the sake of the team. There’s alligators.

yeah im not posting the entire fic under the readmore , im not prepared to spend another two hours of trial-and-error on formatting. anyway i have so much to say about digisurvive but im unfortunately not the type to talk about stuff unprompted until im much more confident n comfortable. instead i'll talk about the First Ficwriting Experience Since 2016

ive seen all four endings but i havent done what im calling my Victory Lap playthrough yet. what i mean by Victory Lap is that i got my guys at lvl 80+ and the only real purpose of going thru it all again is to see any early-game missed dialogue and take unnecessarily-meticulous character notes

im not about to claim to be a Blorbo Expert w a PhD or anything but i think ive got a pretty solid understanding of the bulk of the characters and can manage a pretty accurate portrayal . shuuji and ryo are definitely the easiest characters for me to write , and im anticipating that the same will be true for kaito. i cant say for certain tho since i havent explored his voice much yet but im more or less confident that i can do a good job

at first i was like oh god oh fuck i cant write aoi but i thought about it for 2 seconds and it turns out that uhhhhhhhh i was a lot like her when i was a teenager. the insecurities are exactly the same, it is so horrifyingly uncanny. so for me, saki is the one that i find the most difficult to characterize and i love that because it seems so deliberate. this girl DOES NOT want you to perceive her and is doing her best to ensure that you do not notice that she has anything to hide. if you are good at writing saki, i have a lot of respect for your tremendous power

but thankfully sakis presence in this is minimal so i dont have to worry about that just yet. what i AM worried about are my formatting choices. i think theres a lot of potential in fucking around with indentation, typeface, and text placement, so im taking a swing at trying to push it further than i have before. i think it can serve so well to imply when something is happening, what else is happening at the same time, and how it makes the characters feel without having to outright say so. i dont want it looking like a geronimo stilton book tho so i gotta learn to strike a balance lmao

SO much of the way i enjoy character portrayal comes from tone and nonverbal communication, especially really subtle stuff like eye movement and body language. i think it can be so challenging to write that stuff in a way that doesn't feel clunky or encumber the pacing. the thing im practicing right now is saying stuff without saying it, and also trying to improve my imagery & symbolic language. im having a lot of fun with it

mkay im actually late for work so i need to post this damn thing and move on my with my day. thanks for your time!!

[send-up-my-heart-to-you]

Hi! Congratulations on your followers, you deserve it!

Can I request a sun and an eclipse on how to make friends? If you don't get time to answer, that's totally fine, IGCSEs come first :)

thank you bea!! sorry for responding so late, exams are killing me slowly

requests are here!!

ミ★ 𝚜𝚞𝚗 ★彡 - i'll write you a poem, either about you or about a subject of your choice

unfortunately you forgot to clarify what you want me to write a poem about, but i asked you im dms :) guys please dont forget to tell me what it should be about!!!

poem here (sorry its somewhat terrible 😭):

a very long time ago, a child looked to the stars as her father pointed and named each one. the stars winked in response. a fairly long time ago, a child looked to the stars, as his mother pointed and recalled her father. the stars remembered them. a score years ago, a child looked to the stars, and they told him about his father, long passed.  they kept him company.  eight years ago, a child looked to the stars, and whispered her secrets to them as her father watched. the stars kept her secrets safe. in a few years, a child will look to the stars and hear the whispers of their mother, from long ago, softly spoken to them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

ミ★ 𝚎𝚌𝚕𝚒𝚙𝚜𝚎 ★彡 - i'll give you big sister advice on literally anything. school drama, issues with parents, trauma, anything. trust me, i have advice on everything. (this is the only one where i'll accept anon)

how to make friends:

first, you gotta make your pick on who you wanna be friends with. you gotta see why you wanna be friends w them. the easiest thing here is choosing ppl who you have things in common with. that way, youll have something to talk about with them.

lets say you wanna be friends with that one girl in ur class bc she was reading agggtm. literally, bite the bullet and go talk to her. she wont think youre weird for talking, and you dont make friends by keeping to yourself and expecting others to come to you.

just walk up and say “i like your book / clothes” and continue the conversation from there. the best way to keep a conversation going is to ask questions. that way theyll keep answering. if theyre answering dryly, no biggie, just leave and dont think too hard abt it. if theyre responding well then thats amazing, keep talking. then after a few minutes of talking and already establishing a conversation, thats when you say your name and whatever else.

keep your tone casual, your expression slightly smiling, your shoulders relaxed, posture straight. the best tip for when ur just meeting someone is acting like youve known each other for ages. you might feel awkward but try ur best to not let it show. if it shows, thats okay. use your casual vocabulary instead of trying to be formal, thatll feel more familiar to a person. saying “dudeeee i LOVE that part when” etc or shit, thats gonna make them relax more bc its so much more natural-sounding

for me, im new at my school but became popular fairly quickly (despite being severely unpopular n bullied at my old school) just bc id do this stuff. smile at everyone, greet someone with a “hii” when you know them even if its js by name and face, drop compliments wherever you can, talk to people like youve known them ages, etc

lmk if you need any more help on this bc i learnt it all by trial and error so ik what works when making friends n meeting people 😭

[sexynetra]

A bit random, but I'm really curious... how did find out you were a lesbian? Because I'm trying to find out about myself (I'm a girl) and the only thing I'm sure is that there are people that attract me and people that don't... not necessarily related to gender.

Omg hi darling!

I wish there was some sort of shortcut to figuring out sexuality but unfortunately it’s a lot of trial and error in my experience.

When I first came out over a decade ago, I identified as pansexual, and I liked that label for a few years. I was like. Maybe 12 or 13 at most and honestly didn’t even fully understand what attraction felt like. That morphed to queer eventually because I didn’t really know how to describe what I was feeling or what my experience was, but I knew it fell under the umbrella.

Probably 4-5 years ago I started… dipping my toe into lesbian identity? Before that all I had in terms of calling myself a lesbian was crying to my friends that I might be a lesbian every time I had mediocre sex with a guy, but i didn’t for real start considering it until later. I honestly started so small, like using lesbian flag backgrounds whenever I made a picrew or making lesbian jokes around online friends, which morphed into lesbian jokes with real life friends.

It was kind of a slow progression but I essentially lived my life as a lesbian, made jokes about being a lesbian, continued to use lesbian imagery online, but kept calling myself queer because for some reason I was scared to take the plunge 😂

Anyways long story short, I kind of fell into my full true lesbian identity by accident, my friends (who knew my family was super accepting and that I was out to them) started making lesbian jokes about me around my parents and at one point my best friend told my mom that Im lesbian (I was out to her as queer, but not lesbian). If I wasn’t me that would have been very bad, but my parents are wonderful incredible amazing Allies and I found it extraordinarily funny, but also it helped me finally get over that last invisible hurdle I had with calling myself a lesbian.

Anyways I’m very lucky to live in a super open accepting community, have super supportive family and friends (and lovely elder lesbian aunts who I would kill for), and not really have any major risks (for the most part) to being openly lesbian where I live, but it still took me MANY years and many labels to accept and embrace myself.

Anyways that’s a super long winded answer and life story you fully didn’t ask for, but in my experience, trying to force yourself to fit into a label doesn’t work out, and just letting yourself exist and like what you like and not worry so much about the “correct” language is going to make you happier in the long run! You may be lesbian, you may not, honestly I recommend trying calling yourself a lesbian in online conversations, putting the lesbian flag on picrews if those are still a thing, just small easy things to see how it feels and if it feels right.

Plus, there’s no one way to be a lesbian! Gender and sexuality and attraction are waaaaay too complex to box things in so narrowly, don’t let the chronically online people tell you you’re doing it “wrong”

Anyways I love you, I hope you have a smooth journey discovering yourself, and my DM’s are always open if you need anything at all. Nothing means more to me than helping other queer people embrace themselves and blossom!!!

[lukewarmkraftsingle]

hello, tumblr user adekuscrub.  i am the anon who sent you the ask about reigen's divorce.

i would firstly like to apologize for the demeanor of my previous ask: from what xkit tells me, it was 27 minutes after the ball dropped for new years and i was facing my most cathartic experience yet.  following a dream where i was in love with reigen (note: i am aroace), i fell madly obsessed with mp100 and was desperately searching the tags, posting like a kpop girl and her bias. in that sudden delirium (where i was also screaming silently in a discord voice call), i had stumbled upon a fateful video.

if it was any other night, im certain i would give a good chuckle, queue, and move on. but it was not that night. i was absolutely taken. even now, as i think of what to say next, i am replaying the video in another tab because it tickles me so. im going to leave it on loop now. anyways, as you might have guessed: your video had sent me into a frenzied state of dire need.

surprisingly, i didnt have any of the questions you delved into. i believe the mere idea of reigen, a 29-year-old man, being wrecked by divorce and now raising a 14-year-old teenager, was enough to launch my brain into the stratosphere. as i recall, the feeling was akin to being High As Hell and discovering birds can fit in your mouth. (small birds, anyway. im not sure someone can fit an eagle). all i needed was context, information, anything that could add into the brand new fantasy my mind had begun to leech on.

and, as i had asked, you delivered. i greatly enjoyed the screenshots, by the way. and the cat ears gamer headset reigen rendition. i have saved that image to my photos folder for my private enjoyment. i am grateful for the response, as it has brought me several fits of giggles and satisfaction to my mp100-riddled mind. and now, after three unnecessary asks (my apologies. i know its a lot), i will go into my own commentary on the mp100 divorced au.

Of course hes gay. Why wouldn’t he be? as a serirei fan myself, i imagine the ultimate continuation of reigen’s disastrous love life would be finding comfort in his anxiety-riddled employee/business partner (i feel like they addressed his title in the reigen spinoff, but i cannot remember at the moment).  in this same line, yes, it would be difficult imagining reigen married to a woman.  but, as you have already addressed, this is an alternative universe of our own making.  more so, this is a story of discovering oneself through messy trial and error. course, i dont think hes actually been through several divorces, as “trial and error” implies. just the one.

as for with whom: i didnt know what a ‘lavender wedding’ was either, but found it entertaining all the same. i imagine they would have met at reigen’s old job, maybe bonding over similar feelings of loneliness. and maybe the divorce is what lead reigen to quitting said job. something like a not-so-midlife midlife crisis. but, as i mentioned, i enjoy the theme of self discovery. this reasoning is also why i cannot bring myself to entertain the ‘ex-husband from reigen spinoff’ pipeline, because it would the same thing.  sorry, gays.

unfortunately, this has brought me into a rut, because i cannot for the life of me think of an identity for our mysterious ex wife.  i suppose the ex-coworker idea would work. if it means going into my tastes, her lesbianism would get retconned.  though now that i think about it, who said she had to be a lesbian during their marriage? maybe she went into self-discovery, too.  yes, i think i like this idea more.  it would bring up the possibility of an epilogue, a rehashing of old dirt and patching up sore feelings.  maybe a friendship shaped from divorce.  i dont know.

to end this dialogue (as i am suddenly aware that the google doc is nearing 800 words), however or whoever reigen settled this divorce with is up to viewers discretion, of course.  i find more enjoyment in the emotions reigen would experience post-divorce.  how would it feel, knowing your confidant wouldnt, couldnt, accept such an integral piece of you?  how would that loneliness sink into you, as you struggle to find another partner who stand to be near you, much less deal with your lies and fakeouts?  you want to be someone, but nobody wants you to be that person, their person.  its sweetly disgusting how these thoughts swirl in my head.  i guess i just like to push this guy’s buttons.

my apologies. i meant to end it there, but i went on another tangent instead. either way, i hope my thoughts brings you something to consider.  you probably werent expecting a letter.  and im sure some of these thoughts were a bit irrelevant… nonetheless! i open my sincere feelings to you, spurred by passion, delirium, and some sort of disease in my little head. thank you so much for reading, if you ever got to this point.  feel free to respond at your leisure.

p.s. you might be wondering why im speaking like this. you see, your reply was a surprise to me: it held the cadence of some sort of indie author receiving their first fan letter, passionate and inquisitive. have you ever watched a film or video with an accent or way or speaking, and, whether by accident or on purpose, you adopt said accent? you could say this was what happened. because no i dont normally write like this. Also i love that ACNL track; it brings fond memories.

[the previous ask. for posterity. what can i say. i like to be thorough]

thanks for the follow-up! the situation unfolds. this was received in a similar manner to the previous one, first thing in the morning, but much earlier, i must admit. as the invigoration of the holidays fades from view, unfortunately, i am being reminded that i have items that i am responsible for, and life is slowly fitting itself back into the typical slog. lovely way to begin such a day, however! that little blue dot on my inbox was as a freshly received, carefully sealed letter which i could not wait to simply tear into. an excellent letter indeed, the sort that i want to read many times over and fully soak in. unfortunately, i am quite bad with envelopes. i can never get a clean peel, or tear across the top, without the entire thing going into little pieces. it's a bit of a weak point for me, but i am too stubborn to use a letter opener. i suppose it doesn't matter. the envelope is not as important as the contents, and you have certainly given me some contents. truly, the envelope icon is a lovely skeuomorph.

enough of that, though. i am absolutely floored. this is all i ever could have hoped for in response. i will attempt to address things in an orderly fashion.

i understand your frenzied circumstances, certainly. it reminds me somewhat of how i felt after i watched mob psycho. well. it reminds me a bit too much of how i watched mob psycho.

this needs to be approached as i approached it. i am not an anime watcher. certainly not. i have dabbled previously, but not with any depth. it's not an uncommon thing on the internet, especially when you have friends who are into anime. the most i had seen was some of my hero academia, some of ouran high school, and the game theory ddlc videos, which may or may not count as anime. i am not a man of anime experience. however, i am a man of mishandling television.

please ignore the current state of my profile. a recent development. it doesn't matter. my profile picture was certainly not reigen at the time.

this is a message sent moments before disaster. and the verdict?

all within 6 days. it's not a terribly long show. could have been worse, yes?

but oh. i have now remembered. i have repeatedly neglected to clear my browser history. for months. many other things stuck in a similar purgatory. it's fine. it provides me with information such as this:

(not to worry. all watched for free, so subbed at the time, with the most powerful ad-blocker known to man, mind you. this is a screenshot of firefox history, okay, and those blocker things run like crazy. my ad-blocker does not mess around.)

started september twenty-third at 9:11 pm, ended on september twenty-fourth at 4:19 pm. all within less than twenty-four hours. i feels as though we are taking part in some sort of mental illness competition. no one is winning. and i say this with affection.

i shortly after dragged gf into this, and we both watched to the end of season 3, through, ah, let's say, alternate means. lovely. and mob psycho is now my go-to thing that i absolutely will not shut up about. my divorce musings should be sufficient proof.

i can't say that it was driven by any sorts of uh. dreams. as yours was that night. but my god. what a way to kick off the new year for you. that is just. i don't even know what to do with that information. i simply need to take it in, over and over. what a couple of paragraphs. what a description. i love it.

i am glad that the cat ear headphones reigen has been well-appreciated. i suppose i only have one other tidbit to add about that image: they are based on a pair i had myself when i was younger. a dearly beloved pair of headphones. i have since misplaced them. they are not fully lost, simply lying in wait, in the depths of some sort of storage area type of situation. the sort of thing you find when you decide to re-organize your room one day.

well. i could elaborate a bit more. there are, in fact, more mspaint drawings.

here is one based on the artful combination of my old discord status and picture, and

here is one that gf used as a profile picture! matching profile pictures! adorable. hers changed shortly after mine did. we were both holding out to see who would change first. an unspoken war. i lost to that one piece of art for the show, made for the urban legends episode, i believe. the one that is in the screenshots from the last post. but how could i not? it is such a beautiful image. to me. i love it dearly. as to avoid repeating myself, i have left some Normal tags on a post containing it, if you are inclined to dig a bit for them.

i am glad that you have garnered such enjoyment from my video, though. personally, when i make something like that, i'll open up my videos folder occasionally and watch it a few times over. that happened more with the video i made for the last response, though. i quite like the feel of that one. i just end up being entirely too pleased with my own silly videos.

a handful of my postings betray a similar appreciation for gay business men. this is the clear follow-up to divorce in my mind. and as i recall from the reigen manga, there was an addressing of Serizawa's title: i believe that it is officially "my man," of course, the highest honor an employee can be given. incredible.

(i know what you are actually referring to, but i do not have the actual part on hand, terribly sorry.)

i do appreciate your placement of self-discovery and trial and error as a vital point for all of this, and as it has brought me to further thoughts. i would like to elaborate on that a bit more in tandem with societal expectations, all while getting vaguely personal, as that is the only way i can think clearly to properly get my ideas across.

like most, i would venture to say, i have lived a very large portion of my life in an environment where heterosexuality was very much the standard situation. a place where any sorts of marriages followed by gayness-induced divorces or lavender weddings would be born. my younger years were filled with a specific idea of what an "attractive person" should be, how "crushes" should happen in pre-teen through teenage years, and other items along those lines. i figure these typical standards are familiar. for myself, they birthed a sort of good ol' 'merican suburbia-induced conundrum. out of an unshakable and then unidentifiable confusion from these standards, i shut myself out of entertaining any sort of thoughts of relationships outside of platonic ones, and, to a degree, i found comfort in aroace labels as i learned those terms, simply because i did not experience attraction in the ways that people around me were peddling. for myself, my distaste for such things was not born of a very healthy place. being the young and generally introverted person i was, i found it much easier to shut out anything romantic, rather than partaking in any sort of aggressive generic heterosexuality, as a certain divorced au man may have. that man interacts with complete strangers so much. it scares my poor, fragile, introverted heart.

do not be mistaken. i deeply respect the Aroace Grind, dearest anonymous tumblr person, my belovèd. i impart my blessings unto you. may your lack of such attractions be born of the beauty of self-acceptance. i wish you the best in whatever Degree of Not Being Romantically Attracted to Reigen Arataka you partake in outside of the world of dreams. keep it real. etcetera.

anyway. i do not remember if there was ever one deciding moment, but i gradually started to realize through some amount of reflection and experience that i did have desires for romance and other sorts of things that follow, but not on the "typical" terms. and it was certainly a long process of self-discovery for me. in fact, it was only a couple of months ago that i thought slightly more than what would be normal about a side character in a television show who did not match the typical image of Hyper Attractive Male Actor, thought about it a bit harder, then realized that i, traditionally not a man, have successfully been duped by male beauty standards for my entire life. this is my official announcement. i do not care for famous men alarmingly toned 6 foot tall jawline whatever. memories of my mother and old school acquaintances talking about actors following that description being attractive rush to my mind. unfortunate circumstances. but i am allowed a bit of heterosexuality. as a treat.

i do not know if you have had similar experiences in coming to understand yourself, dearest anonymous person, but that is the story i have generated to understand myself. i am quite a fan of narratives that allow me to compartmentalize my own mental processes. and thus, it is how i have come to think about divorced au. reigen, raised around similar expectations, figured that as an adult man, he should be in a typical heterosexual marriage. i think this fits in with what little knowledge we have of his family, mostly from the recent fanbook. they all seem to want him to have a "normal" life, and maybe they quit talking altogether after the divorce. although there is some hope, as he does want to rekindle that relationship. the true reasons for the marriage and depth of awareness of other sorts of attractions are up for interpretation, as i am not offering anything terribly concrete, but my thinking about divorced au comes from my own experiences of suppression, trial, and frequent error.

is it okay if i come up for air for a moment? a brief moment of self-awareness? because this was born of a complete one-off stupid video i made in maybe an hour max from idea to completion. and i'm now projecting my own problems and insecurities onto it. what the hell. actually what the hell. what am i even doing man. i have other ideas about mob psycho characters, hell, i have an au idea that i have been obsessing over born of personal experiences first (i might be tempted to go into that at some point too who knows), but the divorced au is the one that gets thousands of words???? the divorced au????? the one that's only out there because i made funy mob drawing???????????? anon person i am grabbing you by the shoulders and shaking you back and forth like some kinda cartoon character

anyway. enough of that. enough of the hater part of my brain. i'm having too much fun with this.

bringing up the fanbook has brought another thought to mind: one of the major parts that was hyped up for it was information about reigen's past love life, which, in beautiful reigen fashion, was a showstopping display of dodging the question entirely. if the man is divorced au, it could be a touchy subject, or a situation too complicated to explain. it gives off that very generic perception of heterosexual romance.

i appreciate that you've also fit in some of the themes straight from the show shockingly well. that really stands out in the part where you're talking about how reigen would take it. his struggles with loneliness, with his family's expectations, his other side especially, taking into account his conversation with mob in the finale. feeling unwanted. he may already be a bit more than 16% divorced in vibes. i don't even have anything to add to that, i love how you put it.

straying completely and entirely from the mob psycho discussion, your noting of my tone completely and fully warms my heart, truly. i think it's strange that we tend to do that, pick up on how other people speak. personally, my vocabulary has certainly been completely wrecked by reading a large amount of books when i was younger and a vast quantity of stupid posts on the internet. always glad to be writing things for fun, though. i see it as a sort of puzzle. i enjoy finding the exact words i want to use and meshing them together to flow from one sentence to the next, ensuring that i don't repeat too many as to maintain healthy variety, and frequently re-reading parts to convey my ideas as clearly as i can, even if they still end up mildly incoherent and silly - such a roadblock is inevitable in considering divorced au. i get myself into a certain mood when i want to explain something, and it is electrifying, especially when i do it out loud. i am usually an incredibly timid speaker, reserving myself to only a handful of words at a time and letting other people lead in conversation, but once i feel comfortable and reach a place where i have knowledge and ideas to provide, the cadence of my speaking quickens, i give more thought to the arrangements of my words, my voice reaches the height of its volume and full timbre, and i feel as though i could just talk for hours. it is definitely one of my favorite feelings. i still keep my usual stutterings, but rather than dwelling on them, i find myself gliding over them as i do in performing music; a finger slips, but i continue to the next phrase all the same.

that type of speaking does not translate over exactly to my typing, but when i begin typing anything with great length, i fall into a similar style. for myself, this sort of tone is typically reserved for writing in more professional or academic settings, but occasionally, i offer myself the opportunity to splurge on a silly idea or a niche passion, and it restores my soul, in a way. it places me in that mood where i could go on for hours. of course, if i am writing something in a different setting, it does contain capitalization, but outside of that, i'm really not a capitals kinda guy. i am a huge advocate of attempting to type as speech, generally, especially while texting, and my voice simply isn't that poignant, i suppose. the google dictionary claims that my usage of "poignant" is both archaic and metaphorical, but i do not particularly care.

i meant to add the profile picture, but i didn't want to cut into the pace of my writing. here it is. in all its mspaint glory. whatever sort of conversation led up to it was absolutely, definitely, mind-numbingly stupid. it's fine.

and to wrap it up, once again, i feel the need to reiterate, this is the most incredible response i could ever receive from my ramblings. the most incredible.

oh. let me go ahead and stick the second ask into here too, for the sake of brevity:

much appreciated! god has given me very limited knowledge of html, and i will use it to create a barely functioning hodgepodge of a blog. i hope they're okay with that. gf doesn't like it. i think she just fears my power. my favorite detail is resizing the window. almost everything is decently configured for that.

i hope this addresses your concerns, and maybe adds on some new ones, too!

[bellshazes]

#OHHHH #this makes so much sense and also clarifies a lot of the ??? my brain produces for some of your writing #like the way you talk about and approach building and stuff this first section makes me Get It now#also now im like. how to give other people this framework for play bc its so much more fun than just absorbing the interest du jour #i feel like bc of a combination of lack of this kind of underlying thought and how algorithms work ppl tend to condense#whether that be on Faithful or megabases or texturing or Hardcore 100day whatever #and while its easy to call that fads or imitation i think its partly just #players do Not have the language or framework to go 'but how do i want to play?' #increased roleplay has opened that up a Bit but its still very BILLION ITEM FARM engineer-porn out there #meta #bdubs #anyways. fuck dude this rules (@salemoleander)

how to give other people a framework for their play is exactly what I want and what I was getting at, thank you for that phrasing! especially because you could start like this:

Ask yourself "How do I like to play?"

except then you've already started off wrong. there are secret hidden questions behind all simple questions, and if the quest is to get people thinking about their own framework for play, then it's more like:

How do I know how I like to play? Is it by what I'm naturally drawn to? Experimentation, trial and error? Past experiences? Things I've seen other people do and want to try?

What different kinds of enjoyment do I get from different activities? (if I like redstone and also mining, how are those kinds of fun different?)

In what contexts do I experience different kinds of fun? What contexts am I currently playing in or wanting to play in? (biome, single v multiplayer, physical computer setup, time window, etc.)

and it's a red herring to list questions this way because what I'm after is not a checklist but a way of thinking that prompts people to continuously ask these questions or interrogate their experiences in some kind of capacity, as an ongoing activity or reference system that helps guide and shape play. it could look like paying attention to joy or pride or victory when you feel it so you can use that information about your experience to make the game more fun/rewarding/better for yourself, opening more possibilities.

I think a didactic checklist or how-to approach is worse than a dialectical, critical conversation one because a dialectical approach also naturally is compatible with collaborative play, if not encouraging of it. the framework has as much utility for a single "I" as it does a collective "we" of players, and a lot of my feelings and desire for such a framework is the wonderful conversations about the game in the abstract or as it relates to a project with friends. even as conversations for their own sake, it's rewarding! and actionable on top of that!

a dialectical framework also sidesteps the issue of pigeonholing yourself, as a checklist is by definition checked off; a way of thinking and paying attention to your own play experience allows room for your preferences to change across time or contexts or whatever variable condition. it is, as I think bwbs3 somewhat exemplifies, friendly to skill development but doesn't require it. it would solve all my problems if it existed (jk. but.)

unfortunately the platforms available to us for meta-level minecraft content (content about minecraft as a game experience) are just not. built. for dialectical learning and theory - like possibly false conceptions on what The Algorithm desires and so on. and even in my perfect world it wouldn't fully replace farm tutorials or build hacks or whatever - they're different niches. i get why it's not already being done. but I wish people would

[wolfisland]

that first red/beige/green anon you posted is SO ME but i didn't send that and now i have to come up with something different uhhhh

Red flag: prideful to a fault, admitting mistakes feels like willingly losing a battle that no one except myself is actually fighting, it feels like giving ppl ammo to use against me, i hate being wrong

Beige flag: being critical of things is a way i show im engaged and appreciative but it comes off as being nitpicky and pedantic

Green flag: i'll go to great lengths to create a safe environment for my friends and loved ones while respecting my own limitations (of which there are unfortunately many)

i think this ask game is just making me realise i have more in common with other human beings than my own arrogance wants me to believe. admitting im wrong is literally like eating glass for me not even joking like if i say sorry for something know that thats literal years of trial and error and therapy that got me there.

like 3 for 3 here bro 🤝🤝🤝

send me your red/beige/green flags

[lostacelonnie]

Ah hell my bad i did get. Really busy & really tired the end of year holidays are busy & really draining. I am a sea person but im glad that resonates with non sea people too. People try & talk to you often there? I dont know a whole section of verb conjugation so im not sure how id do there. Fried bread & cinnamon sugar what a peak combination thank you churros. Same i need to pick up more spanish food recipes. Oh? Thats a good start actually. Knowing simple stuff like eggs or grilled cheese or uh. Chicken noodle soup are good baselines. I mean. Yeah same to a degree. I turn them on when im reading or walking/going places. Keeps me focused. Mag is good. Same with nightvale & alice isnt dead. Thats some solid luck kudos to everyone for not getting attacked by gulls. Id wonder about that too australia seems. Nice but very weird. Like their one prime minister who walked into the ocean & disappeared. Kudos to her for finding one she likes & gets along with enough to move there. Ah nothin like light hearted roasting among friends love that for you. Oh jeesh thats like my geometry teacher i had once. Dude would get distracted & then skip stuff he was supposed to help us learn. & still test us on it. Had a different math teacher help me sometimes because he was better at teaching. Hell yeah english teacher for the save. She sounds cool. I dont have time for meta so like. Why bother when if something works it works? Oh is honkai meta that hard? Do i need to focus on that on the way through the story? Oh thats way better like star rail having a pick your own on standard after x amount of pulls. What genshin's fate system could be if it was good. Hmm im not sure where even to start. I guess about himeko. Like her place in the story & what her story in hi3 is. Since i doubt its similar to in hsr. Hell she does have that vibe doesnt she? Chill piracy milf in a way. I hope she becomes playable. A thirty minite backstory? Must be a heck of a joke. Or because of all the polish nuance. Thanks! Ill have to see how she plays of course but personality wise she's good. Fontaine has killed it with interesting characters. Oh? Why the screen limit is it a doctors orders thing? & no worries about that life hit me hard so i understand. Ah thanks im getting to where gear matters a bit so ill need that luck. Need to up talents & such more though. Makes sense then but damn 4 pm as the other option? Both of those aren't super great. I live close to my work which is nice but i still have to wake up 2 hours before for early days because otherwise i wont wake i am not a morning person. 4 am? Hell mad respect for that i could never im barely a person some days at that hour i definitely wouldnt be. Oh nice congrats! On the exam & the history memes. At least your friends are becoming nerds with you. Important group activity. Im caught up on show & manga releases but i do need to read the spin off still when i can find it. Claire has protag rights to one name

AH ITS OK i just. Dont trust tumblr to function properly AJSKFJJH. but ah wishing you some time to chill soon. i understand tho since its the end of the first semester in my school so literally every teacher is trying to squeeze in as many tests as possible. yeah sjdkfkkskdf thats one thing everyone can agree on i suppose!! and it really is like that!! the stereotype about spanish people being seemingly All Extroverted is. much more true than i expected it to be. especially when compared to poland where everyone just more or less minds their own business. and not knowing the language that well proved to be less of an issue than i thought actually!! as in. i do Not speak spanish very well but through a series of trial and error combined with a lot of gesticulation i managed to communicate well enough. AND FOR REAL good lird. they were so right for that. and thanks!! i can more or less follow intermediate recipes so i can Survive more or less. and ahh thats fair, i unfortunately cant really listen to stuff outside my house as i only own headphones and not earphones and i dont like being Completely disconnected from the sound around me when im not at home. but very understandable. ANYWAY YEAH AUSTRALIA IS. A PLACE. i heard about that one prime minister yeah..... wild...... and yeah ajdkfjg me and my friends have been dissing each other for a Long time since i did the same thing in my previous school. always fun. AND AOUGH I FEEL YOU i have. a Lot of teachers like that. but eh im pretty decent at studying on my own [if i find the energy.....] so its managable. with math teachers too actually which is very funny bc last year we had this one teacher [we called her The Brick] who just. did not explain Anything just start doing exercises on the board and then be disappointed when we didnt understand anything. so obviously we were very happy to hear that were gonna have a different one EXCEPT??? SHE DOESNT KNOW HOW TO COUNT???? LIKE GENUINELY SHE DOES SOMETHING ON THE BOARD THREE TIMES AND EACH TIME ITS SOLVED INCORRECTLY. IN A DIFFERENT WAY. ah well. but yes my english teacher is very epic. if nobody got me i know she got me can i get an amen. and exactly i agree with you!! as in. i like when theres a Big Number so i try to more or less build my chars but im not gonna wreck my sanity doing the same domain over and over again. the honkai meta however IS pretty hard so i try to keep up with that. but im much less excited for part 2 so when it drops im probs gonna focus on gearing the chars i already have instead of pulling the new ones since you can do anything with a good support and i have. pretty good supports [HERRSCHER OF TRUTH FOR THE WIN]. id generally recommend Not Completely Ignoring it yeah. tho i did and still managed to pull myself out, but it wasnt a pleasant experience [god. superstring dimension with ungeared teams. Augh.] so. yeah. AND RIGHT???? honkais meta may be painful but the gacha sure is not. I WILL GET INTO HIMEKOS STORY BUT ITS GONNA TAKE A SEC SO ILL JUST PUT IT UNDER A READMORE AND ALSO BEWARE OF VERY VERY VERY HEAVY SPOILERS. since im not exactly sure in what point of the story youre in. AND YEAH shes just. chillen. and the joke is [linguistic rant incoming] actually not That long [i just love hyperboles] although there is one joke that is Actually pretty hard to explain. anyway what i wanted to say is that she has ESSA which. first of all this is slang but its slightly outdated slang [which, of course, doesnt stop me from using it] and it just. well when you say someone has essa it means theyre like. chill in a cool way. cool in a chill way. but also essa itself can be used like. hm. for example if you manage to do sth, say, pass an exam, and you wanna say you did it and also it wasnt very hard?? you can just say NO I ESSA. its not quite translatable into english but needless to say i shall now begin using it. AND YEAH FR rare occurence where genshin made me actually care about male characters. as in. i love furina forever but neuvilette has actually proven to be someone i like as well.

[once again. tumblr forcing me to do a paragraph break] his autistic swag has captivated me. and yeah ajdfkgjsj as it turns out im both farsighted and have astigmatism so i should be limiting my computer usage...... its ok tho im trying to get into traditional art more and also studying is easier. so Its Joekay. ahhhhhh talents are such a pain to level up.... i just never have enough stuff for them seemingly. yeah my history classes have godawful times good lird. and we actually do less material bc of that since our teacher just refuses to do anything on the 6pm classes and just does twice the material in the monday block instead. i love my life. fair enough tbh, i picked up an ADDITIONAL 7am class bc its not mandatory and was close to disbanding but my classbestie really likes it so i joined to make it less likely to fall apart but ah. im regretting my decision. but at least the teacher is nice so. AND FOR REAL i do not understand where they get their energy from. or the dedication. ESPECIALLY for this godforsaken school. and ah thankies!!!! and good luck with catching up!!! i LOVE the manga sm omg...... im also very excited for the anime since the love scale arc is starting today and its my favorite........ big hype. and ah i started playing noita recently!!!! very fun i love games that are engineered to hurt me personally

ANYWAY. ONTO THE HIMEKO LORE

i Should mention that im not an expert on himeko lore BUT ill do my best hehehe. however i will reiterate that heavy spoilers ahead, especially for chapter 9.

SO himekos backstory is revealed in the alien space manga [which, admittedly, i read only because i found out shub niggurath appears by the end and i love niggurath] but it goes more or less like this. i wont go into detail about what Exactly happened because truth be told this is a pretty long manga and i simply do not have the motivation to do an Entire Summary but basically. when she was in university, her father, who was working for schicksal and also the host of an Actual Literal Alien kiiiiiind of went berserk [without her knowledge, of course] and welt had to Kill Him. which is pretty bad because they knew each other and were Kinda friends. anyway since her mother was already dead and she was infected with honkai at the time, this caused her to join schicksal! of course, the entire time kept in the dark about what exactly happened to her father. so when she was in schicksal, she was in the squad let by ragna lothbrok, who also ended up dying in action, and himeko ended up in saint freya. she also made bianka join schicksal! so anyway this is where we get to the main story. i wont go into chapter chiyou bc im gonna be honest i remember Nothing from chronicles. but she was kiana and the others from the main squad mentor, guiding them through their journey as valkyries. when kiana awoke as the herrscher of the void during the void arc, she was also Actively Dying from honkai poisoning [since valkyrie gear uses the honkai in it but she had pretty low natural resistance to it]. fu hua gives her an antidote that Could save her life but, during the final lesson, she uses it to temporarily seal the herrscher of the void so that kiana can live on. and dies in the process. i cry watching it to THIS DAY. but himeko remains as somewhat of an Afterlife Guide to the end of the series, appearing as flashbacks and visions in the chapter 11 ex cg, meteoric salvation, like an entire section of set tomorrow ablaze, everlasting flames, and graduation trip. to summarize, I LOVE HER AND WILL CRY ABOUT HER AGAIN. AOUGGGHH. she actually means so much to me you have no idea you have NO idea

[inky-thoughts]

still struggling a lot myself but these are some things i started doing (only ADHD but maybe it helps regardless):

make a concept (you don't need to but it can help esp if you work with other ppl together & might need to delegate things in times of crisis) - if you feel too scattered, just write something down for the concept, doodle something, pin something to your moodboard (i absolutely LOVE my pinterest boards and whenever I have a new project I'll start a new board. if I feel like the air is out of a project, i just go to the board & pin some more)

break down the project into smaller steps (e.g. each illustration becomes its step or even multiple steps, researching, layouting, writing chapter X, ...)

sort the different steps into task categories (writing emails would be administrative, looking for references is research, thumbnailing is drawing/sketching, etc)

if you have them sorted into task categories, it's easier to see what you *can* do if you feel like u have a day where u can handle administrative tasks, or writing, or sketching, or whatever else you have as task categories

u can also structure ur day like that like 1h admin, 2h drawing, lunch break etc.

have someone you can share your progress with and can run through your problems with but is non-judgemental so u have an outlet for that project, even if it's not going well/you have the feeling of "falling behind"

have floor time

no srsly, try to do some tasks while sitting/laying on the floor, from personal experience it helps grounding myself. added bonus for feeling like a toddler with their wooden block toys.

sometimes the medium in which u plan can also just not be the one for u/u need to switch it up every now and then. if u plan digitally, try a traditional planner or the other way around. im personally not good with bullet journaling but maybe it's something for u. it's unfortunately a lot trial & error

set reminders (weirdly countdowns do the trick to me? like 7 days until X, 6 days until X,... - it increases urgency) if u have actual deadlines or have weekly/monthly goals you want to achieve. also sort your tasks within their category according to urgency, that can help.

Random query:

Does anyone have advice for managing larger (or multiple) projects for those of us that got blessed with the autism/ADHD combo platter?

I can manage my day to day just fine, but I struggle with anything that takes more than a week to finish (especially if I can't just integrate it into my routines).

[carpisuns]

anatomy tips for anon

(someone asked me for this but tumblr ate the ask lol so I’ll just answer it here)

hi anon, I actually really struggle with anatomy so i was kinda surprised to get this ask hdjsksjs but i hope my answer is at least somewhat helpful!

first of all, there are a million methods for drawing a full body. some people like sketching out a skeleton first and building on top of it, some people start with a super loose/flowy general shape of the pose, some people use ovals or 3D boxes or cylinders—i'd recommend looking at various tutorials and trying them out to see what works for you!

unfortunately none of those methods worked very well for me,, i found them kinda cumbersome and counterintuitive so I usually end up just like. going for it lol. I don’t really have a System cause my method is honestly just “try your best, hold back the tears, fix it until it looks as passable as you can get it” DHJSKS but idk maybe it will help you to see my "process" lol

(ok i've never done a speed drawing thing before so i'm about to Expose Myself but im doing this for you anon haha)

(putting the rest under a cut bc it's long, sorry lol)

as u can see, it's a lot of trial and error for me. you may have noticed how i redrew every single thing like 50 times, how i initially made her arm ridiculously long and had to shorten it, how i general just Abused the lasso and warp tools....the list goes on haha. the point is, i make a lot of mistakes and my final products are still very flawed, but that's okay because i know i'm getting better the more i practice! if you scroll back through my art tag you will see some anatomical horrors that would make picasso cry, but at the time i was really proud of them LKJDFSKJLF

ok let me break it down a bit

i usually start with the head, neck, and like a vague indication of the shoulders lol. then i add these slightly angled lines to build the torso from and leave a little gap so i can come back for the arms

then I add the legs!

i used to be so allergic to legs lol but i've been drawing them more lately and i decided i actually kind of love them?? who'd have thought. (but not feet. dni)

here are some basic examples of how i draw legs. keep in mind that i am still learning and these are not like the best examples ever! i don't tend to put a lot of detail in my anatomy and mainly stick to very simple lines and curves, partially because i prefer a simpler style and partially bc i currently lack the skill to be fancier about it lol

i usually start with basically two lines slanted slightly inward for the upper leg and then for the lower leg i do a straighter line and a line with a bump for the calf. pay attention to what direction the knee is facing because that will determine where your bumps go

once i've got the legs, i have the basis of the pose in place, so i add the arms

shoulders are a weird struggle for me lol but i usually add like a little circle or triangle to indicate the joint so i can attach the arms. and then i build the arms kinda similar to how i do the legs—like with two slanted lines and then the bump for the lower arm

once I’ve got the whole body down, there is usually a fair amount of adjustment haha. I gotta ask, does the pose actually work? like, where is the character putting their weight, and does the pose make sense that way? are the legs and arms and torso the proper length and width? and then at some point after a lot of fiddling i give up and voila, done :)

as far as proportions goes, my advice is to pay attention but not sweat too much about it. I used to try to like Vitruvian Man it lol and count how many heads tall the character was and try to be super precise about the proportions according to one of those proportion chart things. and ofc that stuff helpful and important to know! but in the end, worrying that much about it was a hindrance for me and I ended up with really stiff and unnatural-looking poses. so I mostly just follow a couple rules of thumb:

1. The elbow should hit around the waist/mid-torso

2. The arm, fully extended, usually hits the upper thigh. like, wrist at crotch level I guess?

3. The length of the legs is like roughly equalish to the length of the the whole upper body (head to bottom of hips)

these are just basics and not very Scientific haha but that’s vaguely what I go for. also remember that proportions can be pretty stylistic too! for example, a real human body is normally like 8 heads tall, but I probably do like 6ish heads normally. that’s pretty common for more cartoony styles, and the bigger heads also make the character look younger bc kid proportions are different than adult proportions. just kinda play around with it and go with what feels natural and good for the character you’re drawing

if you feel like your pose is stiff and weird rather than natural/dynamic, it often helps to make sure the shoulders and hips are tilted slightly at opposite angles. that's a tip i picked up from this tumblr tutorial a long time ago and i always come back to it, haha

ok that's about all i have for specifics but i have just 2 general tips to end with:

1. Use!!! References!!! seriously. i use references every time i draw. i look at photos of real people and screenshots from the show and i even sometimes take pictures of myself for reference. often i'm using multiple references for one drawing, like piecing together elements of various refs to create the pose i want, but sometimes i work from a single reference. i also study my favorite artists' work pretty frequently to see how they do things. getting familiar with what good art and real life looks like will help you get better at mimicking it and noticing when things are off.

2. Be patient with yourself. You’re gonna mess up a lot. Sometimes you may even post something and realize months later that you made chat noir’s upper arm literally twice as long as it should be :/

but fear not! you don’t have to live forever in the shadow of Long Arm Chat! lol. you will get better just by trying, I promise.

Part of the process of making art you like is making a lot of art that you don't like, or art that you like at first but hate later. Your skills and your eye are developing simultaneously, and sometimes your eye passes up your skills, so that you're better at noticing your mistakes even if you struggle to fix them. that's okay! that gap can be really frustrating and discouraging, but it's still a sign of growth and your skill will catch up. just keep studying, keep drawing, and keep having fun! it gets better, seriously. when i first started drawing like two years ago, i thought i'd never be able to do a passable full-body pose. it was SO hard. and it's still hard for me! but i can do it much better now than i could then, and when i get bummed out about my limitations, it helps me to remember that even though i still have a long way to go to get where i want to be, i've also come a long way. and you will too! if your current self could see what your future self can do, you'd be so impressed 😌

P.S. just to reiterate, I am Not an expert At All and these are just some methods/tips that are working pretty well for me right now. i hope they help you out too, but my methods may not be the best fit for you, and if that's the case, don't sweat. try out a lot of stuff and see what clicks and makes sense. art is a learning process and it's so individual so i encourage you to experiment!

Good luck, and have fun!

[shushthisaintmytumbla]

a year in the books - 8/9/22

It always just amazes me how much can change from the previous time I write here. I have definitely neglected this space for quite some time (longer than usual) as its been almost a YEAR! It’s always so insane to see how much has changed and where i am now from where i was in the last post. I truly don’t even know where to begin, but I guess i will just state the fact that tomorrow is my one year anniversary of living in NYC.... HOWWW?! So much has happened over the past year. New friendships, self growth, hurt, feeling lost, finding myself, you name it its happened. Its crazy to read my last post and see how un settled this city made me feel. I can now leave my apartment and get just about anywhere by memory. I have so much to say and update on so I guess we shall start with a big part of my last post. D. 

Wowow i don’t know what to say but girlllll you were just getting started with this heartbreak. To say being in a toxic relationship is difficult is just an understatement. Its definitely been one of the biggest struggles from the past year. I have been hurt countless times, but yet i still find myself stuck in the same place. From where I was a year ago, I’ve been back and forth and pulled in every direct. From a genuine relationship to a hook up to a toxic friendship to friends to enemies and back, we still gravitate towards one another. Our relationship makes zero sense to me, but id like to think my mental state of the relationship has begun to take positive steps out of the toxicity. It’s hard to say what the future looks like but all I can hope is that I find a way through this muddy path. I know I am capable and I hope to continue to work on finding my way out... I guess thats all I can really say.

other than THAT! lol so so so much good has happened. Sometime after this post I pushed myself out of my comfortzone to make nyc MY city with MY friends. It took some trial and error, but through a literal friend dating app I found my best friends who I now could not imagine life without. Were literally going on our second trip together this weekend like thats how freaking amazing they are. They make NYC home and I couldnt be more grateful. Not only do I have them, but ive been able to connect with people who I barely knew im college, I have molly and her friends and I even had brooke (who unfortunately just moved back to LA) for so much of the past year. Once i got out of my comfort zone this city really openned up to me. My friends here are the reason I love new york as much as I do and for that I am forever grateful.

Not only have my relationships changed, but MY JOB changed. This I never thought I’d be saying a year ago, mostly because I thought my job was going to be the coolest thing ever. It was at first, dont get my wrong, but once things set into place i realized the scam that is reality TV lol. I am now at a new job that has been one of the most challenging ones yet. Hold onto your seat bc you wont believe this... I AM SO BUSY. I thought i was cursed w boring jobs hahah but not the case anymore!! I really really struggled the first few weeks, but id like to think im getting the hang of it now. Its still in influener marketing which I enjoy, but now i do everything from sourcing talent to contracting to runnning a full campaign. I hope to stay in this role for a bit and grow at the company because it definitely seems like there is a ton of room for it. Im excited to see what the future holds w this career path.

Another big thing is I started therapy this year! It is something ive always been so scared to do, but something i really needed. I am so good at venting to an online portal, but actually seeking a mental health outlet has been so good for me. Sometimes i doubt my progress, but ive been able to open up a lot more and id like to think its made me more overall healthy. 

I feel like thats a pretty lengthy update on the life status for now, but i hope to come back soon w even more life  wins and not go so long without writing here! I am so so excited to see what the future holds, how my nyc life will progress, and what new challenges will come my way to make me even stronger. 

xx,

C