#so this is like katniss and either of peeta and gale feeding certain sides of her personality

[oxygenbefore1775]

Beset with Mikasa cutting her hair short has a deeper symbolic meaning delulu

So, previously I never treated this as anything more than a comic scene with Jean’s chagrin being the punchline of it. Jean complimenting an element of Mikasa’s appearance → cue Jean’s compliment being immediately undermined by her willingness to get rid of the very element he’s expressed fascination towards mere moments ago only because Eren said so. That’s how I saw it.

Perhaps my initial blindness towards the actual depth of this gesture (and all the future transformations Mikasa’s haircut goes through) was rooted in the way I’ve been culturally hardwired to perceive hair. Like in the West there’s a strong correlation between hair length and gender - women have long hair and men have short hair (stereotypically) - so in the Western media whenever a woman’s hair is cut it’s either seen as her being devalued or her abandoning her feminine nature for something masculine. In the East, this difference is less pronounced - both men&women, barring the westernization, historically tend to have longer hair, with short hair being an outlier. And AoT’s relative uninvolvement with things like gender + obviously not offering a Western perspective on narrative elements kinda made me gloss over the true symbolism of Mikasa’s decision and its implications. 

But, it turns out to be much more interesting if you take another delulu angle on it.

From what I gather, in Eastern culture, hair is more closely tied to identity than to gender. Cutting one’s hair often symbolizes leaving a former life behind. For instance, Ghibli’s Ashitaka cuts his hair after being exiled from his village, and Buddhist monks and nuns shave their heads as a ritual to signify detachment from their previous lives in the material world. There’s also a connection between hair and one’s relationship to their parents. In Confucian thought, it’s believed that your body is a gift from your parents, and altering it - whether by cutting your hair or nails - is a form of disrespect. While this is rooted in Chinese culture, it’s worth considering how much of this belief has influenced Japanese traditions and media.

Ultimately, the act of cutting hair retains its core symbolism: starting anew. That’s why Mikasa’s decision to cut her hair is such a pivotal moment in her "hair arc." It takes place on the very day the EMA trio joins the Cadet Corps, marking the beginning of her new life.

But why now? Mikasa has experienced profound changes before this point. Her hair could have been cut short on two earlier occasions: after the death of her biological family or the fall of Shiganshina. Yet, it didn’t happen. The reason, I believe, lies in the nature of her life before joining the Cadets. Until then, her life, though traumatic, had been relatively non-violent. It wasn’t devoid of hardship - her parents were brutally murdered, and she spent two years toiling in the fields to survive - but Mikasa herself never inflicted violence unless it was in direct self-defense.

Mikasa's “new life”, which led her to finally cut her hair short, could only begin with her becoming a soldier - an violent vocation and something she never wanted for herself. She would have been content to live her life as a refugee, had it not been for Eren's decision to join the Cadet Corps, which compelled her to follow him. That’s why it’s kinda poignant that it is Eren that suggested she cut her hair.

Suffice to say, Eren and Mikasa’s dynamic is largely unsustainable as they both strive for opposite things in life and thus weigh each other down. But, because Mikasa is attached to Eren more than he is to her, she is more willing to let go of her own wishes to follow Eren. And dare I say this is what Mikasa’s “hair arc” represents - choosing to fight only because Eren follows this path.

Not to sound completely delusional, but even Eren’s wording highlights the violence Mikasa is now tying her life to. "Your hair’s too long; you could get into an accident using ODM gear, which you’ll be doing a lot starting today". ODM gear exists solely for killing Titans - a necessary but inherently violent act, and one that Mikasa never cared about before. Her willingness to embrace this path is less about personal conviction and more about following Eren’s lead.

So yeah, this is my thesis: Eren’s choice to fight and Mikasa following his lead results in her having short hair. And the unfolding events in the plot only feed into my delulu.

Mikasa’s hair grows shorter the further she distances herself from the life she knew before cutting it at age 12, and the deeper she becomes entrenched in her new role as a soldier. An obvious example of it is the start of the Marleyan arc, with Mikasa’s hair getting shorter than ever. This reflects the violent lengths Mikasa is now willing to go for Eren. Before, she primarily fought Titans (with rare exceptions during the Uprising arc), but now she’s waging war against an entire nation. Previously, she protected Eren as he killed creatures once considered inhuman; now, she defends him as he takes the lives of countless innocents. Mikasa’s increasingly shorter hair symbolizes how far she’s strayed from her initial self and how deeply she’s tied her identity to following Eren's path - no matter how destructive it becomes.

This is why it’s poignant (I think) that in the cabin sequence, Mikasa’s hair is long again. Though Eren is still in her life, in this dream he abandons his pursuit of violence, and Mikasa’s life returns to what it was before becoming a Cadet. This suggests that Eren’s presence isn’t what determines Mikasa’s hair length in her 'hair arc'; it’s only when he chooses the path of destruction that her hair shortens. Think of it like an Euler diagram: short hair happens when the two elements - "Eren" and "Eren choosing violence" - intersect.

Similarly, in 857, Mikasa’s long hair symbolizes her return to her past life, even without Eren in it.

Another point could be made about Mikasa’s long hair in Jean’s fantasy - it's consistent with the peaceful life she imagines for herself. However, this doesn’t necessarily reflect Mikasa’s character arc; it’s more about Jean’s vision of her, as he’s long admired her long hair. (Don't really want to make this about Jeankasa, this is more about my girlie alone)

That’s all I have to say, this is my Mikasa hair delulu

[zenkor123]

From October 4th, after Gale tells him Peeta knows what pains Katniss but Is lying to himself.

WIP undergoing rework(specifically Peeta's manner of speaking)

"The only time she ‘loved’ me was when either I or the crapitol were forcing me on her, he confessed his infatuation forcing her to love him for food, her heart was always yours Gale it's why he gave Katniss the locket as some pathetic  type of apology, I know the limitations of restraining orders but words cannot describe how much I hate what the runt did to her, I'm sorry” 

I notice a brief puase until Peeta takes a deep breath and begins spilling words out:

“Annie, I don't get it, I was unfairly jealous of her, 13 should be the peak of her life, she has Gale, her family is safe, most of the  people who she knew growing up are alive. She as Mockingjay can fight snow. Yeah I did horrible things to her, she had to do certain stuff after her father died, she survived 2 arenas, but there are people far worse off than her. Like me for example. After my return, only 13 really cared about a doomed mad mutt slowly clawing his way to something resembling sanity. But we all know that she isn't in the bathroom to pee, sighs there's a brokenness to her, she's numb and is as quiet as an avox.

Annie sighs: “The heart works in mysterious ways” 

Tong says to Peeta: “Finnick injured himself rather than be seperated, if she cared about you she never would have left you in that state, fuck her”

“But Tong, the time she did visit I called her a piece of work and said she was small and ugly”

Tong responds: “would that bother Finnick, if Leeg went through what you did I would never abandon her ever. shallow teenage relationships  and actual connections are not the same thing”

“Maybe your right,if I had a love for real and she was hijacked I don't think I could handle the hurt, I would need to be institutionalized. They showed me footage of how I was, it's pretty brutal, If she really was my lover I wouldn’t want to be near me” ” Peeta says. 

“No not real Peeta, do you think this is easy for Finnick, it would hurt but most would never cower. It's not you, I think she'll get over whatever is bothering her" Tong replies

"Have I told you I really love your morphling bottles" Leeg said to Peeta

"Thanks!" Peeta says smiling

"I must say, in your second games, the Mockingjay really had us fooled during the beach"

"I'm confused about that as well"

"My 2 credits: it's called the hunger Games, for a reason though only she knows"

"She's only 17 and she's already gone through hell and back she's just so young. And when she's back she has to be the Mockingjay, If I was her lover she would probably handle the pain of a mutt lover, like a 17 year old" Peeta says.

"In D13 she would constitute an adult, now your infantalizing her, in D12 as you know she hunted for food. But if she isn't mature enough to be by your side when you need her the most

But I don't need her! It's my recovery not hers!

Tong ignores the interruption

Then she was never mature enough to have a lover. Let's compare her to you,

Me?

"Yeah, you suffer from constant episodes, yet you still have the strength to fight through them, despite surviving the capitol you still haven't given up. If someone was hurt I have no doubt you would run to the persons aid. Delly said you were making progress you were no physical or emotional threat to her yet she discarded you no longer had any use to her.

"You think to highly of me are you flattering me, I don't think I could handle a hijacked Lover honestly. This sounds like one of my jackered rants. She was only practical becuase she had to survive, it's District 12, but she feels strongly, she did all this to feed her family and keep Gale alive. She's not naturally a cold manipulator as your portraying, Its something she was forced into just like everyone in District 12. "

Its hard for someone from D13 to imagine, the bater and competition for the daily meal, but do you have any hard proof that she ever had a lover?

"Maybe Gale but no"

Tong says "yeah when did you do anything normal together, without a gun to your head?"

Peeta just nods.

“None that I know for sure, in the arena we had to play up that star crossed lovers strategy and get those sponsors, am I right? Peeta says

“in my opinion yes, acting in love is not the same thing as real love unless your the capitol."

Leeg speaks up "you are perfectly in the right for being mad at Delly for pulling the rug from under you and at Katniss for not doing one thing to help, she could have answered all your questions and don't give me the emotions excuse that just means she wasn't willing to put any effort into you. But that bitch lost her chance, if she cared about you she would feel something when Coin challenged her but that bitch can't feel anything. Why the fuck does she deserve to be the Mockingjay?"

"She doesn't strike me as that much of an actor, but being fed lines by me, or Haymitch and having a gun to your head does wonders for your acting skills. And even before I imposed this, she had to let's just say um perform for supper. That's why I believe she fell for Gale, she didn't need him and their relationship was one of willing equals"

Hmm

"The one good thing about this sickening act is that she isn't as hurt by my mutation as she otherwise would be. I would be a full scale psychological torture device if it was real, as if kneeding her larynx isn't bad enough."

"There's lots of lies in the games, it must be so confusing for you" Tong says

Peeta responds

"That's becuase that's what Panem is, it's a giant twisted game. And even if I was able to ask Katniss which are lies and truth, she probably doesn't even know. When I was verbally assaulting her about if she loved me or not she said "That's what everyone says" now I gave her grief over this but I think that's her honest answer the full details are something she wouldn't want to discuss in public or she felt ashamed over her confusion."

Tong laughs : "from what your describing I don't want to know it makes me feel sick".

"I was hijacked to feel mad, then I felt a longing at times for it to be real, but now I just cringe when I rewatch the lovey dovey part of the games. So much fucking implications, lies and subtext. I'm glad I don't have to touch it anymore."

Leeg says "Never forget that your supposed lover and wife left you to fend for yourself. That's why children in 13 call her catpiss"

Tong laughs.

"I don't think I'm the same person, it's probably a good thing that I'm not, I don't see why she would want to help me. I'm talking about Katniss's Perspective if she was my lover, objectively she doesn't have to do anything"

Leeg "your compassion is why she never will deserve you,we're all talking about her moral backbone which she has none"

Peeta says "ugh, Im glad she can't hear us but even if I was her lover at one point, there's nothing I can do to help her. There are simply some things that I will never know. In all likelihood we weren't lovers but if Gale was mutated I don't think she would behave differently but who knows? So anyway, how's the military sector den going?"

[gladiatefm]

she appreciates madge more than she can say , more than either of them have ever actually indicated to one another . she's one of the few people in her life who ask so little of her , if anything at all . the pressure to feed an entire family , to start one of her own , to disappear into the woods with gale or to don a wedding dress and live by peeta's side — katniss feels that slip from her shoulders as easily as one of the costumes jett has dressed her in over the years when she sits with her old friend from twelve .

" sure i did it once , and i'm pretty certain that's what got us into this mess in the first place . " had she never lifted those berries , maybe peeta would have gone home without her , married someone nicer from town , someone who could love him without conditions and offer a family who likely would have avoided the reaping bowl , unlike rye . that handful of berries destroyed her husband's life , their children's lives , so long ago . " it's weird . . . i swear , it's like peeta is convinced i'm coming home with rye . it's like they haven't accepted that i'm dead . "

madge’s  ultimate  form  of  consolation  to  give  came  in  silence  .  this  was  something  she’d  known  all  too  well  ,  both  in  the  capitol  and  back  in  twelve  .  maybe  it  was  something  that  carried  over  ,  a  piece  of  her  that  they  could  never  erase  .  it  was  all  she  had  to  give  ,  especially  now  with  katniss  sitting  across  from  her  ,  and  madge  was  awful  with  words  .  it  was  almost  embarrassing  to  a  certain  point  .

then  katniss  speaks  and  it  feels  almost  like  a  relief  ,  hands  moving  to  clasp  together  as  madge  tried  to  figure  out  a  way  to  comfort  one  of  her  only  true  friends  .  the  tragedies  created  by  the  capitol  each  year  were  nothing  to  ignore  ,  sources  of  fuel  to  a  fire  that  madge  hadn’t  been  aware  of  .  the  rebellion  ,  in  itself  ,  was  more  of  a  mystery  to  her  than  anything  else  .  lips  part  to  respond  right  away  ,  but  there’s  hesitation  that  comes  next  .    “   you’ve  done  it  once  before  .   ”    maybe  not  with  a  kid  ,  but  with  peeta  .  madge  knew  it  wasn’t  the  same  ,  which  makes  all  of  this  circle  back  to  her  awful  way  with  words  .

[ellanainthetardis]

Hi! Could you write something about jealousy Effie to Hazell? I know you wrote like that, but maybe here you could put something where Hazell soothes Effie, saying that Haymitch loves her. Well, or something like that but with this sense. Thank you!!!

Here you go! [X]

Of Old Friends, Folded Clothes And Battlefronts

There was only so much cleaning Effie could doin the small compartment that was her home away from home in Thirteen.

Everything was spotless, all the pieces ofclothing in the room had been folded and put away, she had reorganized theridiculously tiny bathroom…

She dropped on the chair and propped her elbowson the table, burying her face in her hands. Typically, she had tricks to focusall that restless energy: do her nails, smoke a cigarette, sketch clothes… Herfake nails had been torn away at her arrival and she didn’t have a manicureset, she hadn’t been able to find a single cigarette in the District and paperwas too important to be wasted awaywith doodles – or so she had been made aware during a briefing.

She had nothing to do but wait and it wasdriving her mad.

The knock on the door sent her heart racing.Plutarch had promised he would send someone to fetch her as soon as there wouldbe news – that hadn’t stopped her from making a fuss when Coin had banished herfrom Command but it had, at least, reassured her a little. She was terrified ofwhat the news would be, she realized.

She had known sending Katniss to Two was a badidea. She had argued against it from the very beginning. You don’t expose yourfigurehead, that seemed obvious to her. Katniss was the drive of this rebellionand… Sending her into combat…

The speech had been impressive for somethingmade up on the moment, as always with the girl – it had been powerful enoughthat she had forgiven her for not using the one she and Plutarch had worked onfor hours. It was live, it wasimpressive and it would probably have convinced Peacekeepers to defect to theirside all over the country if the man hadn’t opened fire on the Mockingjay.Katniss had gone down. Haymitch had rushed from the side. The feed had cut notlong after that.

Effie had studied Cinna’s sketches and designs.She had inspected the Mockingjay’s outfit before helping the girl to put it on.She knew that Katniss would most likely be fine. She wasn’t one hundred percentcertain but she knew the outfit wasbulletproof and the soldiers would evacuate her as a priority.

What she didn’t know, on the other hand, waswhat Haymitch had been thinking he was doing rushing in the middle of acrossfire when he had no gun and no bulletproof jacket.

Idiot.

Idiot.

Why hadn’t he been properly equipped if he hadbeen on the front?

When he would come back, she was going to sew a bulletproof vest on his back so hecould never take it off. And she would add pink and glittery embroideries just to spite him.

He would beback.

He hadto.

“Come in.” she called with a voice that wasmore shaky than she cared to acknowledge.

She prided herself on her self-control afterall.

The door slid open just enough for HazelleHawthorne to step through. It remained ajar behind her and Effie focused on theshadows the harsh neon lamps from the corridor tossed on the floor. The lightsinside the compartments weren’t as powerful as the ones outside. She wasn’tsure why. She missed natural sunlight. She was starting to get claustrophobicdown there.

“Miss Trinket.” Hazelle said, a note ofchallenge in her voice.

Always a note of challenge in her voice.

She had first met the woman on the day of the Quell’sReaping and while she had been glad to see that Haymitch had finally hired a housekeeper, she hadn’t beenpleased to learn the housekeeper in question was an old friend. They were too close for her comfort. Haymitch didn’thave any women close friends, hebarely had any close friends. Effiewas used to being his only ally, she was used to him being her only ally. He was the one she trusted above all others and shewas as close to him as he would allow anyone to be. She liked it that way.

She didn’t like old friends from the pastcoming back into his life.

All the more so when the friend was relativelypretty, confident and clearly interested.

“Mrs Hawthorne.” she replied, a beat too late.A tad less defiantly than usual too.

She wouldn’t have minded fighting forHaymitch’s attention right then. It would have meant Haymitch was there and inone piece and not…

“You… You can call me Hazelle.” the womanoffered, suddenly deflating. “I was wondering… I’ve been asking for news butnobody will answer me and…”

Oh. Of course. Gale was in Two and where Katnisswas the boy usually was too, in the thick of the fight. Effie honestly couldn’tremember if she had spotted him before the feed had cut, she hadn’t beenlooking.

“I am terriblysorry, they asked me to step out of the room.” she cut the woman off, shakingher head. “I do not know anything more.” The worry on the woman’s face was sucha perfect echo of the one she was feeling that Effie felt any animosity towardher melt away. “Plutarch will tell me as soon as they know something if… Youcould wait here with me.”

It clearly wasn’t an offer the woman had beenexpecting but she took a hesitant step toward the empty chair and then a moreconfident one and before Effie could process it, Hazelle was sitting in frontof her across the table.

And it was awkward.

The hostility between them had barely been veiled by civility eversince Haymitch had introduced them – well, Effie had introduced herself afterhe had failed to do so.

“Would you care for something to drink?” sheoffered because it was the polite thing to do.

She was out of her chair before Hazelle evenanswered, glad to have an excuse to dosomething. Except it was only once she was standing on her own two feetthat she realized all she could give her guest was tap water. They weren’tallowed any sort of beverage in their room. They weren’t allowed much of anything in their room.

“No, thank you.” Hazelle answered.

Effie considered sitting back down, as was onlyproper, but she couldn’t resolve herself to immobility. Immobility was so not her. She needed to be in movement. She needed to…

“I am certain they are fine.” she declaredfirmly, as cheerfully as she could manage.

The woman looked at her as if she wascompletely crazy and Effie fled her gaze, heading to the sleeping area and thepile of clothes she had folded and put aside on the spare bed – the clothesHaymitch had left behind and she had picked up from her floor at one point oranother, most of the clothes he had been given in this place, really. Shewondered what was left in his room because it looked like almost everything wasright there on the spare bed: undershirts to the right, then the shirts, theunderwear, the socks, the heavy woolen sweater…

She grabbed the sweater and slipped her arms inthe sleeves. She wrapped herself in it and briefly smelled the collar. Hissmell clung to the wool, slightly off because of Thirteen’s basic odorless soapand the lack of liquor.

She wondered if the only reason she had neverbeen assigned a roommate when everyone in the District was sharing was becausethe situation suited both Haymitch and Plutarch. Haymitch technically livedwith the Gamemaker but spent all his spare time in her room, which afforded himthe pretence of this being nothing more than recreational and allowed Plutarcha privacy most sought after in that place.

“Haymitch wasn’t wearing a bulletproof jacket.Was he?” Hazelle asked.

Effie wandered back to the main room, fistingthe woolen sweater in her hands. “No.”

There was no hiding the anxiety in her voice.

Not even her escort persona could manage thatfeat. And yet acting like Twelve’s escort was the only thing keeping herupright. Her masks were necessary, her shields, her armors… But withoutmake-up, without wigs and glamorous dresses… Her masks were fragile.

And right now she wasn’t sure they weren’tcracked.

“He is too clever to get himself killed likethat.” Hazelle joked but it sounded hollow. Wishful thinking maybe. “Theyprobably evacuated Katniss, right? Gale… Gale will be with her. He has to be,he’s there for her protection or something… That’s what he said. That’s what…”

“The rebels will move heaven and earth to takeKatniss to safety.” she confirmed. “And I do not imagine your son will let herout of his sight.”

“No…” Hazelle half-scoffed, half-chuckled. “Ican’t imagine that either…”

Effie slowly sat back down at the table,pulling distractedly on the too long sleeves.

“Your boy is very handsome.” she commentedbecause it was the only positive thing she could think about Gale Hawthorne.The young man was barely polite with her and only so because of Katniss, he wasvery anti-Capitol and a little too… rash forher tastes. Besides, well… She supposed when it came down to it, she was onPeeta’s team.

“He’s brave.” the woman whispered, rubbing herface. “I wish he wasn’t so brave.”

“He is brave.”she granted, her gaze darting to the still open door. No one appeared though.Not a soldier coming to fetch her and not Plutarch.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

Stupid girl who could not listen when people told her to be careful.

Stupid girl who had to be a hero…

Stupid man who couldn’t stop to think for two seconds…

Stupid man…

Stupid…

“How long does it take to re-establish radio contact?” she huffed, talking to herselfmore than to Hazelle. “Surely Boggsmust have reported back by now.”

“I’m sure Katniss’s fine.” the woman hesitated.

“I am not worried about Katniss.” she snapped. “Well… I ambut…” But the Mockingjay’s outfit was as close to being a wearable fortressas possible. “Haymitch should nothave been out there in the first place. He has no business going on the front lines. He forgets he is not younganymore. He forgets…”

She stopped herself and shook her head, alarmedto feel the treacherous burn of tears. She bit down on her thumb nail, cursingherself for resorting to habits her mother had driven out of her the hard way.She stared at the door, waiting…

“You really care about him.” Hazelle commented.

The surprise was clear in her voice and Effiescoffed. “Of course, I do.”

The woman studied her for a long time and thenlooked down at her own hands. “I believe he cares about you too. I haven’t seenhim… I haven’t seen him acting like that witha woman since… Well… A long time.”

She wanted to argue Haymitch only cared so much but lately… He had been betterat expressing – without saying the words – that she was important to him. Shesupposed it had a lot to do with Thirteen and the fact they were safer there,that it was actually better for her to be perceived as close to him rather than expendable… They were more… free. At least, they had the illusion offreedom. She wasn’t entirely convinced that District was better than theCapitol.

“You are a good friend of his.” Effie observed,keeping her tone light even though the hint of steel pierced underneath. Shewas a master at layers, after all. Say one thing and mean another…

Hazelle wasn’t fooled by the apparentcasualness.

“I’ve known him a long time.” the womanconfirmed with a small almost indulgent smile. “We used to run with the samegroup of friends. He had eyes only for Mabel at that time. A bit like with younow.”

Effie studied her, trying to figure out if shewas sincere or not. The worry hadn’t really left the woman’s face and she hadclearly bigger fish to fry than Haymitch’s love life…

Effie relaxed a little.

Not much but a little.

“I am sure Gale is alright.” she offered, moregenuinely this time.

Hazelle flashed her a strained smile but beforeshe could answer, there was a single knock on the door. Plutarch didn’t stepinside, he remained on the threshold, barely looking up from the tablet in hishand.

“Good news, Effie. The hovercraft is on its wayover as we speak. Katniss is injured but the doctors are confident her life isnot in danger.” the Head Gamemaker explained “If you would be so kind, I needhelp right now. I want to film their arrival. I am not sure we can use thefootage but… just in case.”

Effie blinked, breathing out in relief. “Whatabout Haymitch?”

Plutarch looked up, his features softening. “Haymitchis fine.” His gaze darted to the other woman. It took a second for him to placeher but then he smiled. “So is Gale.”

Hazelle buried her face in her hands in reliefand Effie found herself squeezing her forearm in comfort. She didn’t have muchtime to come to terms with the whole thing though. Plutarch dragged her awayand gave her orders disguised as suggestions.

She was barely more than a glorified assistant.

Still, she was glad to be asked to supervisethe camera crew because it allowed her to be in the hangar when the hovercraftlanded. She made sure Katniss’ arrival on a gurney was filmed but she didn’ttry to follow after them. There was a medical team with her and Plutarch had sworn she would be alright so shedirected her attention to the other people walking out of that hovercraft.

It took all she had to walk rather than run.

Haymitch looked a little dazed. There was agash hastily patched with plaster over his eyebrow but he looked otherwiseunhurt. His eyes tracked the gurney as it was swallowed by the corridor andthen snapped to her as if following asixth sense.

Effie didn’t toss herself at his neck. Shedidn’t kiss him senseless. She didn’t slap him for his utter idiocy…

“I see you managed not to get yourself killed.”she mocked. At least she tried. Hervoice betrayed her. He briefly met her eyes and then pulled her into a hug. Shemelt against him, sneaking one arm around his waist and another behind him tograb his shoulder. “You scared me.”she whispered in his ear.

The hangar was buzzing with activity but shebarely noticed. Truth be told, she didn’t think he did either.

“Scared myself.” he mumbled back, his shoulderssagging. “I need to check on Katniss.”

He was shaking a little. She was pretty sure itwasn’t from the cold but she stepped back, slipped off the sweater she hadstolen and handed it to him. He pulled it on with a grateful quirk of the lipsthat didn’t manage to turn into a real smirk.

“Are you alright?” she asked quietly.

She didn’t dare reach for that wound on hisforehead. Later. Once they would be back in their room. Then she would touchand kiss and soothe. Then he might let go a little and told her how it trulywas.

“I need to check on Katniss.” he repeated.

That wasn’t really an answer.

But then again, given what they had done at theNuts in Twelve, how many men had lost their lives… She didn’t expect him to be.

So she let him go.

It was alright.

She knew he would seek her out eventually.

[everlarkbirthdaygifts]

Happy Birthday infinitegraces!

We apologise @infinitegraces for the delay with your gift! We hope you had a wonderful birthday on the 9th of August. To help celebrate your birthday the lovely @pagedancer87 has written you an Everlark story just for you! We hope you like it :)

Title: Selfish

For user: infinitegraces

Prompt: Everlark without the Games AU—Games can never have existed or still exist, I’m just a sucker for “It would have happened anyway” fics

Summary: “It’s really okay for there to be times when you stop putting everyone else first, and just do what’s best for you.”

Rating: K+

A/N: All errors are belonging to me. Happy Birthday!

(%)(%)(%)

As a rule, Katniss Everdeen didn’t allow herself many things.

The first and last time she had asked for something, was the one thing she had ever regretted: to selfishly have her father with her on her birthday. It was a request shyly made, and gently denied, but he had wanted to surprise her. It had him going to work on a day he normally had off, which ended up being the day that he died. At eleven, watching her mother spiral into grief driven madness and her younger sister nearly starve to death, she blamed herself. From then on she vowed to put her family first.

It became the way she lived. Everything she did and every choice she made was for the benefit of her younger sister. Not only did it make her happy, it was also very easy.

 Once in awhile, something came up that made her choices not so black and white.

 The Careers Exchange Program, for example.

 Their assigned counselors, Haymitch Abernathy and Effie Trinket were to go through the entire district and pick two people (a boy and a girl) between the ages of 12-18 to travel to a different district and learn a trade. They came every year, and every Tribute that went inevitably found their way to prosperity and only returned to District 12 to collect their family. No Tribute had ever chosen to come to 12. To her surprise, this year they chose her.

 Her initial response was to refuse, which she did as firmly and rudely as she could.

 “But…don’t you want a better life for yourself, dear?” Effie asked, understandably shocked as no one had refused before. “Every district has something wonderful to offer. Why, the Capitol will have opportunities you’d never —“

“Thanks, but no thanks,” she interrupted standing up, “I’ll just head back to class now.”

 “Sit down.” Haymitch said, speaking for the first time since she arrived.

 She immediately stiffened at the command she heard. “You can go f—”

 “Language!” Effie chided. “Perhaps we were mistaken in our assessment.”

 “Aw hell, Effie. We both heard about that attitude.”

 “Be that as it may, if she hasn’t the sense to even see what a dream come true this is—”

 “Look, why don’t you go find yourself an overly complicated caffeinated beverage, leave sweetheart over there to me.”

 With one last glance at her and a baffled shake of her head, she left them.

 “You’ll have to excuse her. She’s Capitol stock, born and bred. To someone like her, staying in a place like 12 when you have a chance to leave is something she’ll never really understand. She still doesn’t get why I keep coming back.”

 She studied him for a moment, “Just because you lived here once, doesn’t mean you know anything about me or my life, Mr. Abernathy.”

 “Maybe, but I did my homework before we approached you. Whenever anyone comes to you, begs you for food, you give it to them. When you can’t have much to begin with. Why?”

 She shrugged, “Because I know what it’s like to be starving to death and have someone do something about it at the cost of a beating.”

 “So, you’re not refusing our offer because of pride. Why then? Surely you know that the skills you’d learn and the trade you’d pick up would mean at least financial stability for you and your family. So why?”

She thought about her reasons for staying. Her sister needed her. Without her many people at the Seam would go hungry. Then there was him. But really, none of those were why she didn’t want to go.

 “I already have skills and a trade. We are far from being financially stable, but we get by.”

 For awhile, though things weren’t exactly alright (she doubted they’d ever be alright again) they were stable. District 12 provided the coal that not only powered the trains that brought trade between the districts but also heated the homes and businesses all over Panem, as such the government provided a monthly stipend to the families of the miners who died in the same accident that took her father. Every month their stipend was just barely enough to get by (even before they added mother’s medicine and the shots for Prim’s damn cat). So, she began hunting again. With her father’s bow, she ventured into the forest to hunt, often skipping school to do so. When Gale Hawthorne joined her, trading tips and skills, together they made sure that their families never went hungry.  

In addition to game she also began to scavenge for roots, berries and herbs. Her mother used the plants and herbs in her apothecary, her sister made jam from the berries as well as selling milk from her goat, while she sold the meats, furs and such to either traveling tradesmen or to merchants. It was a bartering system that had served her well.

 Haymitch sat back in his chair. “Boy, you really aren’t what I expected. Well, someone’s got to go, sweetheart and Effie’s liable to pick some girl off the slag heap.”

 So, she did one of the hardest things she’d ever done.

 “Me?” Prim was shocked. At just 12, she had little hope of being chosen for the Careers Program.

 “Katniss tells us you have a gift for healing, dear.” Effie spoke to her kindly. “I know just the school for you. You’ll be a doctor before long, I’m sure.”

 So, they packed her up and sent her off with promises to write and to visit. As part of the program, not only were her expenses taken care of, but she’d begin working while she studied. Though it hurt her heart to send her off, she knew that this would be giving Prim her best chance.

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Not long after, she found herself staring down the barrel and another life-changing moment.

 Gale Hawthorne. Her hunting partner, and her dearest friend. He was chosen for the Careers Program, and was moving to District 5.

 “Come with me, Catnip.”

 She rolled her eyes at the nickname. “They already picked Madge Undersee, Gale.”

 “Family can go, too.”

 She looked him, confused. “But we’re not related.”

 He hesitated, before taking both her hands in his. “We would be if we got married. Marry me, Katniss.”

 She’d heard the gossip. People had paired them together since they were kids. With all that they had in common and with how much time they spent together, everyone assumed it was just a matter of time. If she still had Prim, she might’ve considered it. Marrying Gale and moving to District 5, would’ve meant that neither of them would need to worry about not having enough for the mouths they had to feed.

And she loved him. Of course, she loved him. But not that way. He was her brother. She just couldn’t. Even if it meant she lost him. Even if it meant she lived the rest of her life alone. She couldn’t marry him.

 He mistook her silence for shyness, and was bending his head to kiss her. Her first kiss. No. Not you. A panicked voice in her head whispered. Unthinking, she raised her arms and pushed him back. Losing his balance, he fell into the fence behind him, which broke under his weight.

 “Gale! Oh, I’m so sorry!”

 When he sat up, instead of being angry as she expected, he just looked at her and smiled sadly. “No, don’t be sorry, Katniss. I know how you feel. I’ve always known. But I had to try.”

 Her eyes began to sting with tears. “I don’t want to lose you, Gale.”

 He laughed softly. “Oh, Catnip. You’ll never lose me.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead. When he bent his head again, it was to whisper in her ear. “You know, it’s really okay for there to be times when you stop putting everyone else first, and just do what’s best for you. Tell him how you feel, I promise you won’t regret it.”

 She blinked when he stepped away. How did he know?

 He just smiled. “I’ve seen the way you look at him, when you think no one’s looking.”

 Life slowly went on, and slowly got better. She saved enough to open a shop in the merchant side of town, coincidentally right across from a certain bakery.

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 This time I’ll talk to her. Today for sure. Peeta looked out the window to the shop across the street. The Hob. Katniss had set up shop the month before, and still made the walk between town and her house at the Seam. They either sold goods or traded. He watched her come in every morning, as she often opened up her shop as he was getting the bread made, and as she left for home at night.

Every day was an opportunity. Every day he tried to build up the courage. At the end of the day he promised himself that the next day would be when he finally did it.

Peeta, by nature, was a giver. It may have begun in part to avoid the attention of a cruel mother, but even when she passed, he still didn’t ask for anything. Instead, he tried to go above and beyond for both his customers and his family.

 There was only ever one thing he truly wanted. One quiet wish he clutched tightly to his heart.

 Katniss Everdeen.

 All his life he was drawn to her. He held his breath when he heard she was picked for the Careers Program, and again when he heard Gale Hawthorne intended to marry her. Was ashamed at the relief he felt when she stayed and turned him down. He felt he was slowly running out of chances, and if he didn’t act soon someone else would.

 “Oh, look. The mooney-eyed prince returns.”

 He was pulled out of his thought by the teasing comment. “You’re in early today, Delly.”

 Delly, had been his dearest friend since before either of them could walk. She was also his sister since she married his older brother. The former gave her a front seat at his infatuation with Katniss, and the latter gave her the influence to push him. Which she tried to do regularly.

 “But of course. I couldn’t miss today’s Everlark episode.”

 He raised a brow. “Everlark?”

 Her blonde hair bounced as she nodded. “That what we call you two. Rye and I have a bet going on how long before you two get together. My money’s on sometime before Christmas.”

 He shook his head. “Pretty sure she doesn’t even know I exist. Why would she?” Though, sometimes he thought he felt her eyes on him, she was never looking his way when he glanced up.

 “Of all the places she could have set up shop, she chose the on across the street. Don’t you think that means something?”

 He tried not to get his hopes up like that. He shrugged. “It’s a good location, that’s all.”

“So you’re saying if Hawthorne came back and made another pitch, you’ll just let it happen?”

 He winced, still remembering the scene he had haplessly witnessed, of the two of them about to kiss. He’d turned away rather than have that in his memory banks. “I have way too much to do. Between keeping up with the bakery, and making sure Dad’s being taken care of—”

 He started at the hand on his shoulder. “You know, it’s really okay for there to be times when you stop putting everyone else first, and just do what’s best for you.”

 He smiled at her. It wasn’t the first time she’s said that to him, “I’ll keep that in mind.”

 He spent the rest of the day going back and forth between the kitchen and helping Delly at the front counter. During the busier seasons, he usually had a few more hands, but most days they got by with just the two of them.

Inevitably, he’d catch himself looking across the street, hoping to catch a glimpse of Katniss. Between the myriad of expressions he’d seen play across her face and the rich tones of her skin, she was a feast for his artistic eye. He hoped to paint her one day, but all the colors in the world would hardly do her beauty justice. Besides, if he couldn’t even drum up the nerve to talk to her…

 It was near closing when he noticed her on a ladder grappling with large wooden sign. Every store on the street had a place above their door for a sign to hang to be easily seen from afar, and it looked like she had finally gotten one made.

 He could tell right away, however, that the sign was probably much heavier than she anticipated and the chain for the sign much higher. She was on the top rung when he saw the ladder start to lean backwards. She was going to fall!

He was out the door faster than he could blink, miraculously catching her just as she slipped off the ladder.

He found he breath knocked from his chest, both from her slight weight and fright of what might’ve happened.

“A-Are you alright, Katniss?”  He asked over the thundering of his heart.

“I-I think so.” Shocked grey eyes met his, and for a moment they just stood like that. She was just as warm and soft as he thought. His felt his face heat at the direction his thoughts went.

Clearing his throat, he set her down. “I have a sturdier ladder in the back you can use.”

He brought it out to her, and held it steady as she climbed it.

 “Looks good.” He commented, as they both stood back surveyed the newly hung sign

 She nodded, standing closely next to him. “Thank you, Peeta…and thank you for saving me.”

 He smiled, “You’re welcome.”

 It was the beginning of what would be the most selfish thing either of them had ever done: falling in love.

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