#maybe the 2nd part is well thats what my memories support right?

[zenkor123]

From October 4th, after Gale tells him Peeta knows what pains Katniss but Is lying to himself.

WIP undergoing rework(specifically Peeta's manner of speaking)

"The only time she ‘loved’ me was when either I or the crapitol were forcing me on her, he confessed his infatuation forcing her to love him for food, her heart was always yours Gale it's why he gave Katniss the locket as some pathetic  type of apology, I know the limitations of restraining orders but words cannot describe how much I hate what the runt did to her, I'm sorry” 

I notice a brief puase until Peeta takes a deep breath and begins spilling words out:

“Annie, I don't get it, I was unfairly jealous of her, 13 should be the peak of her life, she has Gale, her family is safe, most of the  people who she knew growing up are alive. She as Mockingjay can fight snow. Yeah I did horrible things to her, she had to do certain stuff after her father died, she survived 2 arenas, but there are people far worse off than her. Like me for example. After my return, only 13 really cared about a doomed mad mutt slowly clawing his way to something resembling sanity. But we all know that she isn't in the bathroom to pee, sighs there's a brokenness to her, she's numb and is as quiet as an avox.

Annie sighs: “The heart works in mysterious ways” 

Tong says to Peeta: “Finnick injured himself rather than be seperated, if she cared about you she never would have left you in that state, fuck her”

“But Tong, the time she did visit I called her a piece of work and said she was small and ugly”

Tong responds: “would that bother Finnick, if Leeg went through what you did I would never abandon her ever. shallow teenage relationships  and actual connections are not the same thing”

“Maybe your right,if I had a love for real and she was hijacked I don't think I could handle the hurt, I would need to be institutionalized. They showed me footage of how I was, it's pretty brutal, If she really was my lover I wouldn’t want to be near me” ” Peeta says. 

“No not real Peeta, do you think this is easy for Finnick, it would hurt but most would never cower. It's not you, I think she'll get over whatever is bothering her" Tong replies

"Have I told you I really love your morphling bottles" Leeg said to Peeta

"Thanks!" Peeta says smiling

"I must say, in your second games, the Mockingjay really had us fooled during the beach"

"I'm confused about that as well"

"My 2 credits: it's called the hunger Games, for a reason though only she knows"

"She's only 17 and she's already gone through hell and back she's just so young. And when she's back she has to be the Mockingjay, If I was her lover she would probably handle the pain of a mutt lover, like a 17 year old" Peeta says.

"In D13 she would constitute an adult, now your infantalizing her, in D12 as you know she hunted for food. But if she isn't mature enough to be by your side when you need her the most

But I don't need her! It's my recovery not hers!

Tong ignores the interruption

Then she was never mature enough to have a lover. Let's compare her to you,

Me?

"Yeah, you suffer from constant episodes, yet you still have the strength to fight through them, despite surviving the capitol you still haven't given up. If someone was hurt I have no doubt you would run to the persons aid. Delly said you were making progress you were no physical or emotional threat to her yet she discarded you no longer had any use to her.

"You think to highly of me are you flattering me, I don't think I could handle a hijacked Lover honestly. This sounds like one of my jackered rants. She was only practical becuase she had to survive, it's District 12, but she feels strongly, she did all this to feed her family and keep Gale alive. She's not naturally a cold manipulator as your portraying, Its something she was forced into just like everyone in District 12. "

Its hard for someone from D13 to imagine, the bater and competition for the daily meal, but do you have any hard proof that she ever had a lover?

"Maybe Gale but no"

Tong says "yeah when did you do anything normal together, without a gun to your head?"

Peeta just nods.

“None that I know for sure, in the arena we had to play up that star crossed lovers strategy and get those sponsors, am I right? Peeta says

“in my opinion yes, acting in love is not the same thing as real love unless your the capitol."

Leeg speaks up "you are perfectly in the right for being mad at Delly for pulling the rug from under you and at Katniss for not doing one thing to help, she could have answered all your questions and don't give me the emotions excuse that just means she wasn't willing to put any effort into you. But that bitch lost her chance, if she cared about you she would feel something when Coin challenged her but that bitch can't feel anything. Why the fuck does she deserve to be the Mockingjay?"

"She doesn't strike me as that much of an actor, but being fed lines by me, or Haymitch and having a gun to your head does wonders for your acting skills. And even before I imposed this, she had to let's just say um perform for supper. That's why I believe she fell for Gale, she didn't need him and their relationship was one of willing equals"

Hmm

"The one good thing about this sickening act is that she isn't as hurt by my mutation as she otherwise would be. I would be a full scale psychological torture device if it was real, as if kneeding her larynx isn't bad enough."

"There's lots of lies in the games, it must be so confusing for you" Tong says

Peeta responds

"That's becuase that's what Panem is, it's a giant twisted game. And even if I was able to ask Katniss which are lies and truth, she probably doesn't even know. When I was verbally assaulting her about if she loved me or not she said "That's what everyone says" now I gave her grief over this but I think that's her honest answer the full details are something she wouldn't want to discuss in public or she felt ashamed over her confusion."

Tong laughs : "from what your describing I don't want to know it makes me feel sick".

"I was hijacked to feel mad, then I felt a longing at times for it to be real, but now I just cringe when I rewatch the lovey dovey part of the games. So much fucking implications, lies and subtext. I'm glad I don't have to touch it anymore."

Leeg says "Never forget that your supposed lover and wife left you to fend for yourself. That's why children in 13 call her catpiss"

Tong laughs.

"I don't think I'm the same person, it's probably a good thing that I'm not, I don't see why she would want to help me. I'm talking about Katniss's Perspective if she was my lover, objectively she doesn't have to do anything"

Leeg "your compassion is why she never will deserve you,we're all talking about her moral backbone which she has none"

Peeta says "ugh, Im glad she can't hear us but even if I was her lover at one point, there's nothing I can do to help her. There are simply some things that I will never know. In all likelihood we weren't lovers but if Gale was mutated I don't think she would behave differently but who knows? So anyway, how's the military sector den going?"

[saturndivine]

The Age of Aquarius (Jupiter + Saturn Conjunction)

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On December 17th, 2020 3:04 AM PST Saturn moves into Aquarius 

On December 19th, 2020 4:36 AM PST Jupiter moves into Aquarius 

On December 21st, 2020 10:20 AM PST Jupiter Conjuncts Saturn [0°29’]

The great conjunction is a historic occurrence between the social planets, Jupiter & Saturn. Most see these two energies as opposites but they both offer us lessons throughout our time on earth. Saturn represents the tough lessons we are meant to learn, what makes us stronger, how we can build ourselves up. Jupiter represents the lessons learned through our natural bestowed blessings, where we thrive, where our power lays when it comes to functioning in the world. 

These two planets will form a conjunction in the sign of Aquarius. Aquarius represents unconventionality, humanitarianism, change, growth, revolution, innovation. Aquarius is the sign that propels life forward, it is ahead of the crowd and leads others without people even knowing it. Expect to feel that personal push towards greatness, do not fight what this conjunction wants to offer you. You are going to feel incredibly uncomfortable and drained within this transit, especially fixed signs, specifically Aquarius placements. 

The key takeaway for everyone within this conjunction: Do not fight change. Do not fight progress. We heal through growth and movement. 

If you’re curious to understand how this transit will affect you most dramatically, look below! Or read here. 

Conjunction Through The Houses [Check the house where Aquarius lays]: 

1st House: As the first house represents the self, this is a self revitalization period, you have been making progress, others see it and you do as well! You aren’t meant to be held back as you were before, that was a time for patience and learning but now is a time for breaking free of the boundaries bestowed upon you and welcome in the rush that this conjunction will offer you. Switch it up, now is the time to transform. 

2nd House: Evaluate what brings you comfort, then understand why it does. Whether it be a person, place, or thing, understand why it brings you relief, to understand how you can seek that safety within your own self. This transit wants you to let go of the conventional items that offer you this sense of peace as all that you are looking for is in yourself. 

3rd House: You’re going to be quite the firecracker this conjunction transit, your mind will be quick and bright and you will feel the need to explore life as it is. Now is the time to buy books, write pages of your thoughts and what you want to receive from this world, dive into a hobby that brings you joy. This transit is about finding the light stored inside of your own being. 

4th House: Look around, take a gander at the people supporting you. Now is the time to support yourself, you are the definition of strength and there is so much power stored within your kind heart. You are constantly looking out for others but use that energy for yourself. In other words, treat yourself! You will partake in lots of healing this season, be prepared for the “ugly” to come out however you will come out bigger and better on the other side. 

5th House: This conjunction transit will have you motivated to connect with every living person on this earth and that’s good! You’ve been confined to the boundaries of your own mind for quite some time but you made it and you have wisdom and beauty that people want to hear and see. Do not limit yourself, make friends, make lovers, create art in the best possible way you know how. 

6th House: You’ve been holding off on your passions, unsure if it’s the right decision, but now is the time to allow those passions to come out. This is the perfect time for you to see the power in the work you do and how you influence many others to follow your lead. You are an innovator, speak up, and speak your truth. Don’t allow yourself to be talked over, life will grant you many opportunities, up to you to take them. 

7th House: Watch out, people are going to fall in love with you. Whether it be friends, strangers, lovers, whether it be platonic or romantic you are going to touch hearts because you will find the power that comes with love. Throughout it all, you move because you are moved. You don’t take those special steps towards greatness until you are impassioned by the path you have chosen. Remember, follow your heart, let that guide you. 

8th House: Your heart may feel as if it’s exploding with power and dynamite. Use all of it, the pain, the angst, the love, the beauty, use it to create, use it to propel you towards your dreams. We all know you have some of the biggest dreams known to mankind and you are possible of achieving all of them, especially in this transit. This house will experience some of the most turbulence but the growth you will experience is astronomical. Prepare for your revolution.

9th House: You’re going to feel a little bit lost during this transit, you of course have your intuition to guide you. Even if you feel like you have never used your intuition, you have, and it’s powerful with this conjunction. You will feel that invisible pull, pay attention to your dreams, pay attention to how your body reacts to certain situations. You should spend a lot of time with yourself if possible, check-in, and understand who you are and where you’re going. 

10th House: Congratulations, you will benefit the most (in my personal opinion) from this transit. You may feel as if you’re experiencing a full 180 and as if all your progress has gotten you nowhere but it hasn’t. In fact, you are on a path to greatness and all you need to do is learn how to welcome what’s coming and accept it. Don’t block your own blessings by ignoring your true path. This is going to be an emotional journey, don’t fight it!!!!

11th House: There is a grand revolution occurring in your life, yes life is flipping you upside down because you have the personal power to achieve what you desire because of the work you continuously put in towards your own greatness. You have made some intense progress and now is the time to be rewarded for it. Teach your skills to those who need them, help guide others on this path of life. It’ll all come back to bless you. 

12th House: Twelfth house transits are usually the hardest as this will affect the deepest wounds of your psyche and pull out what you have hidden away and thought to have drifted into the deepest part of your memory. This is all for good reason, all of this will transform you into what you thought you could never be. You tend to doubt your own power and this transit wants to show you how incredibly mighty you are. 

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Conjunction in Relation to the Signs [Check Rising, Sun, Moon, Mercury, Venus, & Mars]:  

Aries: This conjunction will cause you to think outside of the box, of course, you usually do but now is the time to use this energy for a cause rather than just yourself. Try to assist others and build up with them. 

Taurus: Life won’t always go as planned and thats to show within this occurrence, find out how you can adapt to the situations rather than shut down. This transit is pushing you out of your comfort zone towards growth through flexibility. 

Gemini: You are prepared for this conjunction, maybe even the most prepared. Your life is all about change, in fact, you aren’t comfortable when confined and prefer change to stability. Try not to get too ahead of yourself, try to discover what you desire most and go after it. 

Cancer: The energy presented during this conjunction may feel as if it’s opposed to your own, your journey is to find that sweet balance amongst it all. Whether it be with work, family, love, or just simply life. Seek that balance. 

Leo: You are definitely about to be shaken up for the better but some stressful days are coming your way however there is good news. You are powerful, powerful enough to jump over these hurdles and understand there is beauty in the pain, you just have to seek it. 

Virgo: Now is not the time to restrict yourself (as you usually do). You have a side to you that is unconventional and free and it will come out during this transit so you should welcome it! Attempt to let loose and let your hair down. Dance, sing, paint, participate in what sets you free.

Libra: I understand that you are the sign of beauty, however, things will get ugly! Don’t run from your emotions this transit, they will make you feel more than you desire to feel, but this will all go into making your soul more beautiful than it already is! Feel all the feels. 

Scorpio: Your personal evolution is a little slow and catered towards yourself (as it should be) however, this period of time will force you to evolve and grow faster than you thought you ever could. Embrace it rather than hide from it, you are capable of accomplishing so much more in little time. 

Sagittarius: You’re going to feel this intense sensation of freedom and this can easily overwhelm you and burn you out if you don’t pace yourself! Think long and hard about where you want to go and what you want to be and then move. Impulsivity is strong this transit, don’t let it get you into trouble 

Capricorn: You were pushed to your limit with the last Saturn/Jupiter transition and you put in so much work towards your development. Now you can use those special skills acquired for this transit. Your job here is to learn to let go and simply be. You cannot control life itself, you can only control yourself! 

Aquarius: It’s your age! Now life won’t be easy because of this, in fact, you will be removed from your [fixed sign] comfort zone and propelled out into the world because you are leading this revolution. You are meant to act as a teacher, encourage, embrace, inspire! Speak your mind, manifest, create beauty. You are unstoppable during this time, try not to let all this energy go to waste.  

Pisces: You may feel as if you’re floating throughout this transit and your task is to find your footing. Stay on earth because you are meant to learn from what is happening, analyze it, pay attention. This is a period of intense change and you should not miss it. 

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Personal Predictions: A move towards equality in aspects of human life; justice for people of color [victims of police brutality, children in cages, those harmed through immigration, women in the face of gender oppression, & more], LGBTQA+ acceptance and openness [The Rise of Queerness], Wealth equality [class uprisings]. Restaurants transitioning to cruelty-free, vegan/vegetarian options, specifically fast-food businesses. Throwing away the tradition of family [Nuclear family, traditional pregnancy processes, finding family rather than being born into one].

[jus-tea]

Going to explain a little about the Miss Rhona lyrics, what inspired different aspects etc, as I’ve seen a lot of people speculating over it, and coming up with their own ideas (which I fully support!) but for those who are curious...

1st Stanza

“Daddy’s at the food store” So, when this was written, myself, my partner, and seemingly everyone was spending so much time going from supermarket to supermarket trying to find the basics, the essentials. Pasta, flour, sugar etc were sold out seemingly everywhere. The weekend just before this was written he’d lined up for half an hour before Costco opened to ensure he acquired some toilet paper- which seemed impossible to get ANYWHERE. I had colleagues who sent their adult children to shops everyday (they couldn’t cause they were at work) to try to find toilet paper somewhere. We ran out at work, and ended up with tissues. People, generally, were spending so much more time trying to find essentials at supermarkets. It’s not nearly as bad now, but just over a month ago when I wrote this it felt like a big issue. Also, “food store”?! NO ONE HAS CALLED ME OUT ON THIS which I find so weird because no one actually says, “food store”?! What a weird expression! So why did I use it? Well! Initially I thought “cost-co” but didn’t use it because I wanted the rhyme to appeal more universally. And we only got a Costco in my city a few years ago and I know plenty of places in the world don’t have one so... I thought maybe supermarket? But thought maybe they didn’t call them that in other countries- market? Market sounded so strange as it’s really only fresh fruit and veggies we get in our local markets here (in my part of the world) and didnt fit with the image I was trying to create and besides all our markets were cancelled as they were too crowded.. so “food store” was initially just a place-hold. I still can’t believe literally no one has said “hey wtf is up with “food store? No one says that” but there you go. It’s in literally every version ive seen as that so... that’s what it is now. So, that line about the food store and collated with the next line, “mummy’s our of town- she’s working at the hospital” was based on news articles I’d read about doctors having to isolate themselves from their families by sleeping either at hospital or in their garage. People who couldn’t see their kids for ages, it was really sad! And then combining these lines, it’s about how these little kids for the first time really are sometimes being left home alone because their parents have stuff they *have* to do; get food or work, and lots of kids these days don’t get left home alone anymore, it was common when I was little but not for a long time! But seemingly suddenly with this pandemic it’s happening again. And I hadn’t seen that talked about but I was seeing glimpses of it and it, felt weird? I guess? So that made for the perfect beginning to a covid19 nursery rhyme- a kid getting left home alone a lot and not being really sure how to respond to that.

So, with the hide away lines, there’s 3 stanzas and in each miss Rhona gets closer. The first one is she’s “come to town”. Now I remember that feeling on that day learning that the first coronavirus case had occurred in my city. Up until then there was a bit of a sense of dread, like you knew it was everywhere else, then in the news it got closer and closer, with cases in small country towns nearby. But when it got to my city it was suddenly so real. And that’s where the story starts because Miss Rhona was HERE. She arrived in the kid’s town. The line, “she’s come to take us down��� is another way of saying “she’s going to get you” and also links to the final line which reveals her success “she took us down/she’s brought us down”.

2nd stanza

So, she goes from being in town to being “at the doorstep” which represents getting closer- being in those people the child might interact with everyday- and imagined more literally in the postal worker delivering a package (actually ON the doorstep) or food delivery or anyone who they’d still have close contact with. But “I’ll keep 6 feet away” is a self reassurance that if they just do the right thing and keep their distance everything will be ok. But then the conflict! Grandma needs toilet paper, EVERYONE needs toilet paper and no one can get it anywhere! No doubt the dad is our trying to find some more while he’s at the “food store”. And I was thinking... my children’s grandmother lives in a different state to us but if we were in the same one you can bet your life id be out dropping essentials at her doorstep whenever I could- tp included. (Although, tbh the tp issue didn’t seem as bad in her state from what she told me) so in this bit I guess I imagined myself as the child because that would be something important to me, to make sure my elders had their essentials. Idk I tried to help where I could, got baby wipes when I found it for a friend with a newborn, stuff like that. So the conflict is the child’s sense of responsibility ensuring their grandmother has what she needs, while also knowing that the coronavirus, Miss Rhona, could reside in anyone they meet along the way. Kind of like a little red riding hood situation linking the dangers of strangers. So they open the door due to this sense of responsibility and, oh no, Miss Rhona was at the doorstep, remember? Now the child has it too; “Miss Rhona’s come to stay” IN THE CHILD. This line was to use the imagery of Miss Rhona coming to stay with the child at their house, like an aunt might come to visit for the weekend, but symbolises the virus coming to live within the child, they’ve caught it now, which is why they definitely, “can’t come out to play”.

Stanza 3

“But grandma needs the paper” that’s where the conflict arises again- the child’s sense of responsibility, maybe guilt even? Overshadowing their understanding of just how serious the virus would be should their grandmother catch it. They’re just a kid remember? They don’t understand. So they take her some anyway, everyone needs toilet paper! Also, I know that phrasing it as such misleads the listener to think about a newspaper. Thats how we talk, “I’ll get the paper!” My dad says ... often. But, 2 things, it rolls off the tongue easier than “grandma needs toilet paper” which would’ve messed up the rhythm anyway, and also, for anyone who’s lived it you would automatically know about the “great toilet paper shortage of 2020” 😅 there were so many memes about it and it was funny that everyone was obsessed with it but if you were one of those people who genuinely really couldn’t find any- and there were lots!- then it kind of sucked. And that’s a memory that’ll stick with you 🙈

So. The note. “And here’s a note from Rhona she wanted me to say” imagine the child at the grandmas doorstep, she’s bringing her tp (that’s nice) but the child is infected, and hands grandma a note. I imagined like a little filed up piece of paper in their back pocket they take out and hand over, to pass on the message from their aunt living in their house. As kids would do- what teacher hasn’t given their student a note and said “go tell mr x such and such” and the note is a reminder of what to say. But the note they hand over is also a metaphor. It symbolises contact between the grandmother and grandchild, and as grandma took it, she caught the virus too. And the note reads,

“Hide away, hide away, keep 6 feet away”

Which is that line repeated all the way through the rhyme. In the end, it’s what Miss Rhona was saying all along. Hide away children...

And the final line is a throwback to near the beginning, “she took us down” because earlier remember she came to “take us down” but now it’s happened and we’re in past tense. She did it. She took down the grandma, and possibly the child too, although I left that as ambiguous. To be taken down here is the symbol for death, of course. It’s pretty grim. But that was the point i suppose.

And that’s where it ends. Anything after that, while I’ve seen some adaptations made which sound really cool, doesn’t really make sense with the story, because they died in that moment. And continuing on after that seems a bit overkill, because I gues, perhaps symbolically at least, who would be able to continue singing the rhyme once they had already died?

But having said that, it’s still nice to see people get exited about it and want to contribute more lyrics too. Making up stories, songs, games, art in general, it’s a way we’ve found to cope i think? Like dark and morbid stories are a part of our culture because we respond to them. Lessons, feelings, etc. people far more articulate than I have explained before...

So. That’s Miss Rhona. This explanation was written really roughly and I apologise for that, but you get the gist. I strongly recommend for anyone who hasn’t already to check out the #miss Rhona recordings hashtag on my blog, because some of these melodies people have put to it are really beyond words. Dreamy, haunting. Peaceful. Childlike. Much more than the original chant-like skipping rhyme I originally envisaged.

Thanks for reading this far... please be safe and look after your grandmothers ❤️

[dont-follow-me-im-scared]

A conversation with my younger self.

Sitting in my safe place where there's a slight breeze the sun's barely going down and the water in the lake is calm. Your tiny light brown head is gently resting against my arm as we just watch the environment around us.

"Do we get married?"

This question insights a small giggle because I knew she wouldn't be ok with the answer, "A few times. You'll meet a boy when your 16 and you'll believe the sun rises and sets on this particular love. Everyone will warn you not to do it so fast and maybe you should've listened but you didnt. You didn't waste those 4 years though you learned alot and had alot of special memories with him. The 2nd guy is a mistake and if I could have you just walk away I would but you know I can't change things. The third one though that's where the magic is and you'll be skeptical and try to self sabotage but he's stronger than you. He believes in it more than you will ever be capable of."

There's a silence like you're processing and deciding if you like this answer.

"Does mommy ever come back? Or am I always going to be with nanny? Daddy's hardly ever around either and we have to drive a long time to go see him and he can't leave with us."

I felt myself trying to choke back the lump making its way to my throat, "Ladonna doesn't come back. Well thats not right she does come back, a couple times, with a new kid everytime. She's not going to be mommy sweetheart and I'm so sorry but the cool thing is nanny becomes mom. She'll be over protective shell seem really old school and you guys will fight alot but she saves your life."

"Does daddy ever come live with us?"

"He does. A couple times. Then he'll have a wife and a little brother for you but you'll be back where you belong with nanny."

Your tiny shoulders slumped forward. I can feel the sadness in your tiny body building up. I wish I could make it better but the truth is the easiest way to be about this.

"Why does everyone leave us? Am I not a good kid?"

I couldn't handle the hurt in your tiny voice so I scoop you into my lap and wrap my arms around you, "Thats the thing. They leave us because we are better off without them. All you ever ask me are sad questions but do you want to hear some amazing parts of whats coming? You're going to get married in one of the most beautiful places possible. Despite the hurt you allow yourself to be happy and enjoy being loved if even just for a small time. You end up with two amazing tiny humans who believe you hung the moon and stars. They are going to drive you absolutely crazy but you are going to protect them the way you should've been protected. You're going to find these amazing friends in your life and your going to have a chosen family surrounding you and supporting you. Yes bad things happen and yes we get hurt alot but thats what makes the messy beautiful is the moments in the middle. You should've been protected. You shouldn't have had some of the things happen that did but you figure it out. You realize you're worth more than your trauma. Your mental health will be a constant battle but turn to your circle. They don't judge neither will the tiny humans."

At this point your body had gone soft and I realized you had drifted away thinking about the good. Someone should've protected you.

[brianyololau]

May 5th, 2020

A dad. A father figure. Someone who is your guardian, mentor, friend, and loves you for who you are, I never had that kind of dad. Seeing it now, my dad showed no emotion. I never saw him laugh. I never saw him smile, not even around me. I don’t have any memories at the beach with him. There were no days where he would take me to the park right outside my house and play catch with me. I had the most emotionally unavailable father. 

I remember he gave me a light up plastic sword/baton once which I assume he found in a client’s car. Other than that, I remember having to beg for each toy. 

My favorite toy that my mom bought for me were two lightsabers: a red and green one. I saw it at Walmart one day and told her I wanted it. She secretly bought it for me for Christmas. Though, I eventually found out when I looked into the trunk of her SUV one time while she hid it from me. She said it was supposed to be a surprise, but I fucked it up by looking lol. 

I bought my mom a gift for Mother’s Day too. It was a plastic ring from the book fair back in 2nd grade. Not sure if I stole it or not. I didn’t get any allowance so I probably did HAHA. She found it hiding in a crayon box one day and confronted me about it thinking I found a boo. I was like nooooo that was supposed to be a surprise for u foo

Back to my dad. He lectured me a lot. told me to be like this be like that. do this do that, but he never explained how. never asked how was school. never tried to be there while I was struggling. In fact, he didnt even wanna sign my fucking club application papers. Dude thought leadership was a joke and sports was unnecessary. Hypocrite. He used to spend hours in the evening swimming and sitting in the sauna while my mom had to take care of me WITH a baby in her stomach. That’s cap. I was told all he did was work, gym, eat, and sleep. 

My dad worked from home. How tf did he not make ANY time for me? In fact, I saw my dad more than my mom on the weekdays... 

Why didn’t he try to claim me after the divorce for months? Why was he never a real man to my mom? Did he not realize the importance of this? 

And now, when I visit him, I see a swing, toys everywhere, and a hanging rope ladder installed in his garage. I never had that.

I remember sitting outside of Target every day after middle school waiting hours for him to pick me up. He never called to let me know when he was coming. He never called to ask about my week. It felt like he was doing the bare minimum. Yet, I still considered him as a father to me. Why did I idolize him in the first place? He taught me nothing, but he put me through schooling and took care of me. He cooked sandwiches for me, but that was it. Though I appreciate him fulfilling his duty in keeping me alive and educated, HE WASNT THERE FOR ANYTHING ELSE.

He didn’t show up to my graduation. So, what if you don’t fuck with my family? I’m your own son gdi and your excuse was work? He never wanted to hear about my extracurriculars. He never talked to me when I was in his custody. He never said I love you son. I knew my grandma more than I knew him. He never shortened his gym days when my mom was pregnant and had me. He never did the house work for her,cooked, planned vacations,taught me how to ride a bike, or took me outside the house. We live right next to a park for fuck’s sake. What’s the excuse for that? Dad didn’t have time cause he was working 24/7? That’s fucking BULLSHIT. He valued his gym time more than his father and son time. Thats a fact. 

Now that I think about it, my mom tried to play the playstation with me once. It was a racing game. She couldn’t play for shit but at least she tried. She spent a whole day with me to go through an entire kindergarten workbook. I saw a loving mother in her. She did everything for me. And she still does. Typing this made me remember parts of my childhood where she was there for me. My mom stayed for me. My dad planned to leave. Maybe there were secrets kept from me by both sides, but I sure as hell know now who loved me more when the love grew thin. 

The point of this entry was to see if I could recall and reflect on my childhood with my dad. I wanted to see if after this, I would choose to accept or reject him as a father figure in my life until now.

I choose to reject.

but, I will still care for and respect him like he did to me. 

Who did I choose to look up to as people I could strive to grow for as a kid?

Cau Vu, Cau Long, Chu Khai, Chu Quy, Catherine, Ben, Aaron, David, Amma, Mo Anh, Chi No, Michael, Shirley, Tracie, Tammi, Apac, my dad, and my mom.

Who do I choose to grow for now?

My mom, Crystal, Chu Quy, Grandpa, Grandma, Cau Long, Eric, Andy, Dony, Isaiah, Catherine, Ben, Aaron, Amma, my birds lol, Cau Bao, my little brother, and most importantly, myself. 

This whole process was a good way for me to find a form of self love. I went back into my past to reflect on how I was treated in order to see for myself who was truly there and opened their arms to me. The only person missing in this equation was my dad. That’s why I choose to reject him as a real man and a father figure during my childhood.

I realized that growing up, I barely had support in front of me, but I pushed believing that through hard work and achieving, I’d get to a good college after hs, choose a good career, and graduate with stellar experiences.

Boy, did that work out lol

However, I had massive support behind me. I have a mom who loves me unconditionally and will sacrifice anything for me, no matter how hard she has it. I have uncles who believe in me and made me smile as a kid. They still give me cash every year. I have Amma, who loves me unconditionally as well and still asks me if I’m hungry even today every single damn time I come over. What a G. I have a fucking badass grandpa who told me the day he sees my career take off is the day he will have lived long enough. He even collects every single plastic and glass recyclable to help earn some money and gives it all to me. I have a grandma who believes I have a good heart and the strength to succeed.

In fact, now that I think about it, when I changed my major and couldn’t bring myself to find purpose in life, my grandma was the only person who observed me each day for weeks and walked into my room one day and told me don’t be sad son, This isn’t like you. Don’t be sad. She might’ve been a one of the reasons why I decided to wake up one day and do something about it. 

I have an uncle named Cau Long who will always gives me guidance when I ask for it. Sometimes when I don’t lol. I have another uncle named Cau Vu who still treats me like his own. I have cousins who remind me what it’s like to grow up as a kid and motivate me to be a good role model to them. I have Chu Quy, who accepts me like his own son. I have Crystal, nah gay as fuck. I have cousins from a different family who always find a way to keep in touch and bond together. I have friends who want the best for me and will support me no matter what. I have a little brother who looks over my back. And I have everything in me to know that nothing, not even a shortcoming or toxic energy from others will stop me from being my own fucking man.

“There is no nobility in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.” - Ernest Hemingway

[eclecticdweeb1230]

Ryzen 2nd Generation Is Coming Out After 4 Days, What To Expect Before Release?

April 19th is the day that officially Ryzen 2nd generation CPUs are finally coming out, after over 13 months of Ryzen's first release. Almost every notable reviewers out there have their review kit ready for testing, during that timeline before the embargo instead of some of us biting our nails, hoping that AMD hails a new champion among the industry, let's try to dive into what we currently know. The only CPUs that are going to be released are the 6 Core and 8 Core variants. No sight of R7 2800X, which is mostly indicated to be the best binned model so this could either mean that R7 2700X is the best they got or 2800X is having a later release date. This whole thing is weirdly starting to sound familiar. Most people aren't fans of early leaks which are choke full of speculations, mostly. But let's just say they're right; we're seeing improvements from CCX latency, cache/memory with faster RAM support and higher clockspeeds. TDP is more likely the same, considering this isn't a die shrink(a mistake I made assuming earlier). Most people would think this is a refresh since nothing much is different, though that sort of contrived because the changes are not only based on lithography(12nm die size) but minor tweaks and improvements on the core architecture. The price is also better, selling the non-X 6 Core 2600 for 200 USD approx. While you can purchase a cheaper version of the 8 Core 2700 for 300 USD, my advice however would be to jump over and get the 330 USD 2700X. Speaking of that, oh boy, yes let's talk about the flagship model of these line-up; the 2700X which has said to stay at a sweetspot of 4.3Ghz around over 1.3-1.4V from manual overclocking. Some even claimed it can go further but requires beefier coolers because of the power index significantly increasing. Am not surprised by that, another note am not even bothered. It could go upto 200W and wouldn't make much of a dent on my electricity bill.

Courtesy of El Chapuza's review which is the recent leak, here's the CPU outperforming the i5-8400(6 Core). That's a DX11 benchmark btw, though against the i5-8600K it could barely hold on and that's mostly because of the turbo boost feature from Intel's part. Compared to it's counterpart, the CPU is right around 13% faster than the 1700X. Now these numbers aren't huge of course, why get excited? Well that's because if Ryzen can already beat an i7 at highest capacity of overclock, what's to say how far the 2nd generation will pull? This ought to be an interesting prospect for enthusiast overclockers with LN2 kits because from early leaks, the CPU could pull itself around 5.8Ghz with everything they got from most expensive motherboards to the superbly effective cooling kits. Intel I believe is now trying to stray away from competing directly, they're now diverging to other territories. Just earlier I heard they're coming back to the mobile market(ARM CPUs). They're also working with AMD's Radeon division against Nvidia for the time being and they're trying to push the competitive edge into the server market. I still believe most people around the world know Intel preferably, so brand royalty still gets Intel their business in the desktop market rolling. AMD hasn't even fully scratched the surface on laptops, while their new Ryzen APUs are flourishing am still hard pressed to believe even budget gamers are going to be interesting in purchasing them since they don't have a good 1050 Ti contender as of now. If you're still rocking a Ryzen CPU from current gen, my advice would be for you to wait unless you have rather specific interests to buy it for. Ryzen 2 architecture will be the next leap for AMD, 7nm with major overhaul over the designs. Thats due out next year. Extra reference; Ryzen Threadripper is also coming out this year, you think maybe 10%+ performance will matter? let me know.

[11toe11-blog]

Golden eggs and things like that

Aum.

I enter gently to understand and illuminate. Guide me past temptations of power and greed into insight and wisdom. 

___

The right shoulder feels heavy. So does the heart. The throat clenches a bit. The back of the neck is tight. I notice the breath and it deepens. Some previous walls seem less perceivable.

It feels like a time when some portals are active and lifetimes of memories are colliding for resolution.

Its impossible. No . it is only possible for us to continue on this if we are connected to our simplest, most essential..essence… Because thats what connects us. The narratives that run through us place us far far apart as the other.

L. Is that what triggered this? Or is something else?

It was my sisters birthday the day before. And the possibility of R having fallen sick and my not being able to tell anyone or ask for any support.  And the whole family had gotten together, i felt no shared joy. 

This combination of isolations are triggering memories. And in anticipating pain, i am acting out. Inviting it in. I can see that.

There are many things unresolved in my relationship with my sister. It is obvious. Cant deny it. Envy. Guilt. All of that. Unsure of how to relate. Disagreement. Power struggles.

Pain surfaces. No way out other than through it. 

Memories of being bullied, of being the weird one, the feeling of being rejected after the birth of my sister. Maybe i harbored that somewhere, which is why i ended up treating her the way i did, even though i loved and continue to love her immensely.

Because i dont think i was competitive at all, not striving to be first in class or anything, till my sister was born. In my lower KG i was naturally bright. Shifting schools 1st and 2nd, i dont particularly remember much. I wasnt compared to anyone by mom. Dad was the comparer. Maybe he was compared.

I suppose 1st 2nd is when i began to experience social pressure. And with G, is probably when it got competitive. A fight for attention, is a fight for affection,  which got worse, as the family’s financial and mental health plummeted. Physical abuse, sexual abuse..i notice that in this narrative I have used the word abuse..i am usually looking at it as an early sexual encounter. But which ever is the voice that is writing today feels like it was impacted by the incidents.. Everything coincided with the birth of my sister, now when i think back.

Shame and guilt hangs heavily on my shoulders. Like a cloak. I can feel it brushing against my arms.

It feels like there is nothing i can do but notice it.  Very helpless. I dont want to be helpless. I straighten up and remind myself that - i dont have to make it go away. I have to notice it. When i want it to go away is when i become helpless. If my role is to observe it - i am doing it quite well, quite perfectly. *

I am reminded of K speaking about shame. I empathize in this moment.

When we feel we that we are not supposed to be feeling it, that i should have let it gone - its another round of failure to deal with. “ oh! I cant even let it go.” Another disappointment - like i had one job and i couldnt even do that. 

But what if my job was not to let it go. And be all empowered?

What if my job was only to observe - understand this shame. Feel it, give it space and observe it? Not to change it. Polish it. Dress it up to look smart and suave. Cook it. Make it tasty. None of that. Just notice it, for as long as it is there.

Well that sounds like something ican do. Simply. Not easily maybe, but simply. 

Not simply, maybe. But easily. 

Much less scope for disappointment. And something i feel i ccan do, and i am doing quite decently. 

Sudden spike in self worth

The sky is bright blue today. 

I had noticed yesterday in the body scans, that when they ask me to feel line of the spine, and i cant or its dull in space. I force myself to imagine a line. Than notice what is already there. I force the imagination, somewhat guilty...not somewhat - just plain guilty that i am not feeling what i am supposed to be be feeling. That i should be doing work, i am being lazy thats why i am not perceiving it, all of that. Which may have part truths. But are Catch 22s. I cant notice the line ever unless i start with noticing what is already there. I cant notice what is already there because i feel i cant perceive the line i am supposed to be seeing. Supposed to! As opposed to what is. Can i notice what is already in my frame of vision as opposed to all that i al supposed to include. Please! Kindly!

Can i notice what is already in my frame of vision and deeply enough, that at somepoint, on its own, the rest of it will emerge. 

I guess this is my biggest point of contention with L’s tone and kind of politics that is her work. Very “supposed to”. And hence all the more divisive. Not something one wants, particularly now. The invitation to deepen and acknowledge ones seeing, is welcome. To berate for what one doesn't see, is very 3rd grade damaging elementary school teacher in repeat. 

Hence probably my general feeling towards her work. And somewhere definitely understanding that she is in her own process and will continue to grow and evolve and all that. But the screeches are not what i need right now. 

Maybe they are. 

And thats why they have shown up in my orbit. To engage with. I dont have to change the way i feel. So much pressure. Just knowing and noticing that this is how i feel is good enough. 

To articulate it out aloud is the next step. Thats turning actor from observer. More like being actor and observer simultaneous. Thats  the leap. Will happen when it has to.

No pressure to turn saint. No pressure to change a feeling. No pressure to change. Nothing. Just noticing what ever is , is the work. Where is then room for disappointment and low self worth?

A scene played exceptionally well. And a disaster of a scene are both well withing the frames of observation. And both make great viewing material for insight. 

I know this. I have known this vantage. 

“All the world is a stage”!

Yup.

Envy is my nemesis at this point. And every other thing is fuelling it one way or the other. 

Watching Ka give a spellbinder was beautiful, at the same time pointed to personal inadequacies. G at home with Is for birthday underlined all the support she had and i dint. R inviting LP for a session meant he didn't see things the way i did and i had no ally, isolation. The idea of a session with LP translated to the whole giant suitcase of sibling rivalry being projected along side the bundle of political difference, and huge ego dents because i see my position to be far more nuanced, experienced and evolved compared to hers. Because we met once and she never connected back since - strong feeling of rejection- and a reinforcement of sibling rivalry. Trust R to throw a deep one.

All this is just from my vantage. 

Who knows how things are looking from hers. Or R’s. Or G’s. Or V’s. 

I like the guy. For the brief moments that we have had an exchange i feel he understands. Like R says, living with the person might be an entirely different ball game. And it is true, the complexity of these things. But the few moments of understanding is all one needs. Just the golden egg. No need to cut open the Goose. 

That seems to be where R and I are. We cant seem to understand where the Golden eggs have disappeared. And we are cutting open each other to find out where they are hiding. We were after all promised a steady supply of Golden eggs. Unlike the fabled farmer, we didnt cut open the goose. We just bet on it, hedged it. Like many large scale farmers engage with the money economy today. Sell the produce even before sowing. Heding. Put a chip in, and try and turn every goose there is into a Golden egg laying Goose.

Can we stop cutting and slicing things open, please. Can we just watch the clouds?

Sounds like something a Goose would write. 

Who is there to forgive me? Relsolve this? For the mean thoughts, the harsh words, the attempts to manipulate.  I forgive myself?

Ho oponopono says i can. And i must. 

I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. 

__

Thank you fro letting me enter. ANd for the insights. I close the door gently behing me to come back another day.

[hgpelite-blog]

Hi!  My name is:

Today let me begin by introducing myself to you.  My name (now) is Hillary Giuda-Philpott and I am an alcoholic.  NO, no Im not, thats supposed to be funny.  My ex-husband IS an alcoholic but that is a tale for another time.  I will introduce myself as follows:

-Wife

-Mother

-Entrepreneur

-Coach

-Competitive bodybuilder:  Today we start from the beginning of this journey.  It has been 4 years in the making and to be perfectly honest, today I am tired of it.  I don't always love it.  And I am hungry.  But... I keep going.  Why?  Because I am insane?  Or maybe stubborn?  Determined!  That's it.  At least that is what I tell myself.  

In the beginning I was 29 years old and a brand new gym rat!  I didn't really know much of anything about bodybuilding.  I learned a little bit about macros, losing weight, and how to lift weights (via youtube videos) and like so many that have come before me I became totally obsessed!!  I was already a WELL established cardio queen at my local YMCA so it came as a surprise, for some, to see me in the weight room.  I do have giant balls though, so naturally I wasn't intimidated.  I also have a lovely RBF!  So people, for the most part, left me alone!  Not long after my iniatition in the weight room I left the YMCA for 'The Pound' which was where the real bodybuilders were, no offense Norwich YMCA, and clearly where I belonged!   I truly did feel right at home at The Pound, and this place was like no other gym I had ever seen... not that I had seen that many, BUT...  The owners were (and still are) straight up GOALS!  They both train like savages and have the know how to back up their skills!  And they actually WANT to help their people grow which is one of the things that set them apart to this day!  Shortly after I began training there I was asked "have you ever thought of competing?"  Well no.  Not sure what that even is... I think I even asked "what's that?".  Then googled and figured YEAH Im gonna do THAT!  I can do that!!  And it was off to the races!!

I think that epic moment was some time in August of 2016... and I took the stage that October in Syracuse NY!  I believe my class had 5 girls and I actually came in 2nd!  I remember thinking I was going to either trip or pass out... maybe both.  But luckily I did neither of those things.  My feedback from that show was to smile!  Looking at the pictures now makes me cringe... like most of us when we look at our first show pics.  No joke though I literally looked like I was being tortured up there.  After that show I decided to do the Arnold Amateur in Columbus OH (yea, that is me!  From sharing the stage with 4 people to the 2nd largest show in the world...).  Just a month or so into my Arnold prep I decided I was in over my head and hired a coach.  The first coach I had ever hired!  Her name is Casey Samsel and I was totally obsessed with her from the start.  I still am in fact.. but I think her, and my growth through her, is going to be a whole other blog.  

I took the Arnold stage that March looking better than I did in Syracuse but not nearly good enough.  I was still in the stage of "doing this for fun" and "now I get to eat" so I was ok with not placing top 10.  But far more importantly... something happened to me on that stage... and Ill take a few minutes to get into that now.  Why not.

In May of 2016 I left my college sweetheart & now ex-husband.  I had my reasons and if anyone really cares I will write about that at some point as well.  When I left him I took with me the blame and a barrage of rumors about my relationship with my NOW husband.  And like that cocky RBF gym rat I gave zero fucks.  My husband, Mark, was and is my pilar of strength.  It was through him that I began to find myself and who I really am.  And clearly, because people, this somehow equated to we were having an affair.  I think I am digressing so I'll move on.  And none of that is the point. ANYWAY.  May 2016 to March 2017 was rough.  VERY rough.  I learned who my Ex really was.  I learned how much he lied to me and how bad his drinking problem really was.  I learned that he wasn't going to change, and that things were really over.  I, like that country song said, found out who my friends were!  I also lost half of my family (in terms of support.. no one died).  I had some very low moments in those months... but somehow I made it to that stage in March 2017.  I remember meeting Casey for the first time at this show.  And she really is goals.  My BFF Jess and I were just staring at her!  We were AMAZED by her physique!  Like two little kids looking at a real life Unicorn!!  She led us past the security officers with their dogs, past THE ARNOLD STAGE, and into the backstage area.  That is one of my very few vivid memories of that day.  As crazy as it sounds the memories that day don't all stand out... and maybe that is because what happened when I stepped on that stage.  And no, I didn't face plant.  

I remember being hit in the face with those lights, and unlike my Syracuse showing, it lit me up inside and out.  Mark and Jess were in the audience and they were just about all I had at that point in time!  I had the love and support of my father also but he wasn't there.. the bikinis are a little small for his comfort level so he cheers me on from afar.  I walked out to that center box and it happened.  An epiphany!  I had gone through months of physical and emotional struggle and found myself in Columbus.  Literally.  I had found myself.  This was who I was meant to be!!  I had found a way to channel my pain and struggle and turn into my very best version of myself!  (Insert some cliche saying about a butterfly).  Then and there was when I decided competing was part of who I am.  It was my struggle that got me through.  Competing gave me something to focus on other than the utter chaos of my divorce and all the drama that went along with it.  My prep was the one thing that I could control and in those moments on stage it all paid off.  Even now as I remember that day my fire to succeed is growing stronger.  

Being a competitive bodybuilder is truly one hell of a rollercoaster and I don't know that many people put that out there.  What you see a lot of on social media is the gorgeous women, all shredded, in totally blinged out bikini's pumping up eating a donut (or a rice cake if you keep it clean).  And that is the glamorous and exciting side of the sport!  What you don't see or hear so much about is the shit that is going on, in my head, right now.  Right at this very moment.  It is a constant battle of your will!  It is some kind of cross between insanity and determination.. on steroids (no pun intended, and no I don't use gear).  The kind of hunger and exhaustion you experience during contest prep isn't anything that can be put into words.  It is all consuming some days.  Today I have spent my free hours working as much as I can to keep from counting down the minutes until I eat again!  And my meals, though I am being fed pretty well, barely coat my ribs and really just piss my body off... making me MORE hungry than before I ate.  And I know, cry about it right?  There are literally people starving in the world and I choose to do this to myself.  

The trouble, lately, is I feel like I lost my fire!  I forgot about that soft, underdeveloped girl, who fell in love with this sport!  My goal is always in my heart and on my mind.  I WILL WIN MY PRO CARD!  It has been all consuming for the last 3 years!  My life revolves around my sport and my goal!  But today these girls (and I do mean girls... most in their early 20's) are FIRE!  And here I am, 33, arriving late to the game!  And I find myself asking will I EVER GET THERE?  Or will I just torture myself until I finally decide to give up.  But there... is the problem.  I can't give up.  I will never be able to live with myself if I do.  So in these moments I try to remember my why.  And I go back to that stage in Columbus.  Today and each day I will follow my plan.  I will give it hell.  I feel like I have come full circle and my time is coming.  I made my rounds (and again, that will be in a blog to come), and I have found my way back to my first coach, Casey.  She brought the true athlete out of me and she is the one who will take me to the IFBB pro league.  My time will come!  I WILL be like Charlie Brown and I will never give up.

[trave160]

Ryzen 2nd Generation Is Coming Out After 4 Days, What To Expect Before Release?

April 19th is the day that officially Ryzen 2nd generation CPUs are finally coming out, after over 13 months of Ryzen’s first release. Almost every notable reviewers out there have their review kit ready for testing, during that timeline before the embargo instead of some of us biting our nails, hoping that AMD hails a new champion among the industry, let’s try to dive into what we currently know. The only CPUs that are going to be released are the 6 Core and 8 Core variants. No sight of R7 2800X, which is mostly indicated to be the best binned model so this could either mean that R7 2700X is the best they got or 2800X is having a later release date. This whole thing is weirdly starting to sound familiar. Most people aren’t fans of early leaks which are choke full of speculations, mostly. But let’s just say they’re right; we’re seeing improvements from CCX latency, cache/memory with faster RAM support and higher clockspeeds. TDP is more likely the same, considering this isn’t a die shrink(a mistake I made assuming earlier). Most people would think this is a refresh since nothing much is different, though that sort of contrived because the changes are not only based on lithography(12nm die size) but minor tweaks and improvements on the core architecture. The price is also better, selling the non-X 6 Core 2600 for 200 USD approx. While you can purchase a cheaper version of the 8 Core 2700 for 300 USD, my advice however would be to jump over and get the 330 USD 2700X. Speaking of that, oh boy, yes let’s talk about the flagship model of these line-up; the 2700X which has said to stay at a sweetspot of 4.3Ghz around over 1.3-1.4V from manual overclocking. Some even claimed it can go further but requires beefier coolers because of the power index significantly increasing. Am not surprised by that, another note am not even bothered. It could go upto 200W and wouldn’t make much of a dent on my electricity bill.

Courtesy of El Chapuza’s review which is the recent leak, here’s the CPU outperforming the i5-8400(6 Core). That’s a DX11 benchmark btw, though against the i5-8600K it could barely hold on and that’s mostly because of the turbo boost feature from Intel’s part. Compared to it’s counterpart, the CPU is right around 13% faster than the 1700X. Now these numbers aren’t huge of course, why get excited? Well that’s because if Ryzen can already beat an i7 at highest capacity of overclock, what’s to say how far the 2nd generation will pull? This ought to be an interesting prospect for enthusiast overclockers with LN2 kits because from early leaks, the CPU could pull itself around 5.8Ghz with everything they got from most expensive motherboards to the superbly effective cooling kits. Intel I believe is now trying to stray away from competing directly, they’re now diverging to other territories. Just earlier I heard they’re coming back to the mobile market(ARM CPUs). They’re also working with AMD’s Radeon division against Nvidia for the time being and they’re trying to push the competitive edge into the server market. I still believe most people around the world know Intel preferably, so brand royalty still gets Intel their business in the desktop market rolling. AMD hasn’t even fully scratched the surface on laptops, while their new Ryzen APUs are flourishing am still hard pressed to believe even budget gamers are going to be interesting in purchasing them since they don’t have a good 1050 Ti contender as of now. If you’re still rocking a Ryzen CPU from current gen, my advice would be for you to wait unless you have rather specific interests to buy it for. Ryzen 2 architecture will be the next leap for AMD, 7nm with major overhaul over the designs. Thats due out next year. Extra reference; Ryzen Threadripper is also coming out this year, you think maybe 10%+ performance will matter? let me know.

[atiellefilletmignon]

Hard to Explain

Mann Idk what it is but honestly the past few nights I’ve been feeling like I need to let things out. I’m not sure what it is, it has to be something. Don’t get me wrong, I am not sad or depressed or whatsoever. I just feel I need to write. So it’s almost 2am right now and I’m about to write a recap of my life so far.

1996: I was born in the Manila, Philippines. Tondo to be exact. June 4, my mom gave birth to me. Never met my dad, but my mama raised me well. Pretty damn great. 2000: My mom moved to California. The cliche filipinos moving to America to make better money and provide for their family back home. Hey I’m not hating, she had to do what she had to do. 2003: Hmm not sure but I’m guessing this was the year I started 1st grade at Manila Cathedral School. But yes if it was, man I met a lot of people through this school. The system is designed for us to be close to our classmates because we stay with the same 30+ people the whole year. And along with that, there are other batches with the same amount of students. I stayed in this school till 4th grade. In that four years I went through a few good memories. I made friends, and a few of them I considered bestfriends. I can still name a few that I remember, only because I have them as friends on facebook. But hey there’s always this one person from that school that I’ll never forget. My “puppy crush”, thats what they call it I guess. She was my first crush, her name is Abby. I remember getting teased about it almost everyday but I was an innocent little kid so nothing really happened. One reason why I’ll never forget about her is because my mom has our picture framed and its chillin in my living room. Im guessing she shipped us. But thinking about it now maybe catching up with her would be a pretty cool idea. Well we’ll see since I’m going back to the PI this June. So for now, that story is to be continued. 2006: Growing up in the Philippines was fun, no doubt. Since my mom left for LA, I was mainly raised by my lola. I called her mama too. I’ll be honest I was closer to my lola than I was to my own mother but I’m pretty sure everyone understood why. She raised me, protected me, disciplined me, showed me God, and taught me to be respectful. Everyone, pretty much took care of me. I was the favorite nephew, not to be cocky. Until December 2nd of 2006, when My lolo, my lola, and I flew to LA to reunite and live with my mom. A lot of things changed, and it changed really quick. It was almost shocking. 2007: I moved to the US for good, which meant new school, new friends, new culture, and well new everything. My mom sent me to go to St. Martha’s to continue my 4th grade year. She didn’t want to send me to a public school because she didn’t think I was ready. But knowing what I know now, I’m thankful she sent me to go to St. Martha’s because I had some of the best memories there. This is where I met my closest friends specially my best friend. I’m so thankful because they were patient with me, being fob and all they didn’t abandon me. They took me in and treated me as one of them. 2008-2010: School was tough, but I slowly adopted to it. 4th grade, I was very quiet. Didn’t know a lot of english yet. 5th grade, I was still quiet and just went school and home. But came 6th grade I became more comfortable. I started being active, joining sports and other school activities. I was mainly focused on flag football and basketball. But hey it was something. I started talking a lot and making more friends. 2010: This year impacted my life in such a huge and different way. This was the year full of challenges to my family. In the middle of the year my Lola was diagnosed with brain cancer. At that age, I didn’t know what it was or how bad it was until I saw the struggle and the emotions my mom and my other family are showing. My lola fought, and I’m proud of her. But November 3, 2010 my family and I gained an angel. An angel that I’m sure is watching every step of the way. Still supporting us, caring for us, and loving us like she’s always done. Mama I miss you, and I will always always love you. Thank you for everything. 2011: Losing my lola wasn’t easy for me, but we had to keep living. This was my 8th grade year. My prime. I joined almost every school events, activities. I was close with my teacher and I was well known. I was pretty much the clown of the class. This was the beginning of the Atielle you all know now. Hypey. June 4th, I graduated from St. Martha’s. I know, same day as my bday but oh well, wait till you find out what day my HS graduation was. Anyway, this was also the year that I started high school. Freshman year. Man oh man, crazy. I went to Bishop Amat, it was way different than St. Martha’s. I went from being the alpha dog to starting all over at the bottom again. New people, new culture, and new environment. But hey I did the best I could. I joined a club, made friends that I’m still good friends with till this day, and I did well in my classes. 2012: But that all comes to an end because I moved school just cause it got too expensive. So this is when my whole Nogales High School life begins. Same thing. New school, new people, new environment, and new culture. But I did have my bestfriend here, Ethan. Even though I had him at the same school it was still different. I was shocked, coming from Bishop it was hella different. Well to be exact, it was ghetto. The place was dirty, there were cholos, fights everywhere, and too many stereotypes. It took me the whole first semester to get used to it. But for 4 months all I did was school and then home. 2013: I started being more active at school. I met a new group of friends. I got lucky. I met some real good ones. This year I also got my license. And sophomore year just happened too fast. 2014: Junior year was the turning point of my HS days. This was when I became more social. I had a very close group, we called ourselves BcFam. I still do till this day, but of course it’s not the same as it was back when we were just in high school. Hmm I learned a few things this year. Tried a lot for the first time. I started to smoke hookah, I tried weed once this year, I probably had my first alcohol, I attempted to talk to a girl (i’ll tell you later what happened here), I guess you can say that this was the year my whole living in a perfect world, protected by a bubble ended. My bubble popped. I was exposed to real life. 2014: I have to tell you about that girl cause this was really the first time I tried getting at a girl and honestly I don’t know how it started. To keep it short, she and I were close friends, even called each other best friends until everyone noticed that we could be more than that so they shipped us. They started teasing us and I guess thats when I developed feelings for her. So spring break 2014, known to me as Waded. Cause this was the first time I got faded and it was at the beach. So beach day was when our friendship moved up to a different gear. You know, the talking gear. So it was established that I was trying, but after 2 weeks she told me she can’t do it. I was alright, I thought I was heart broken but later on in my life I find out the real definition of being heart broken. Anyway, a week later she decided she was wrong and we tried again. Same thing happened, she was confused. So I stopped trying and since then things got awkward between us. Keep in mind she was part of my close group of friends so it was really awkward and plus it was hs so we were all immature still. But yea! Junior year ended pretty dope. 2014 (summer): This has got to be the most interesting summer I’ve ever had. Around July, I joined the basketball team. New coach so he didnt have a favoritism, thats why I made the team. But yea varsity, I didn’t play much but i still did it. I lost a lot of weight in 3 months. I went from 210 to probably 170. I mean I was skinny. We were dying. I love my team, we went through hell and back together. 2014 (senior year): So 1st semester of my senior year. I’m back! Back to being an alpha dog, I never liked admitting it but I was popular around school. I was one of those asian dudes. I was in basketball, I joined renaissance to dance for my class, and I was in choir. Oh and keep in my i was about 170lbs, I was fire. Around September, I was nominated to be part of the homecoming court and to run as homecoming king. Honestly I still dont know how or why I was nominated but oh well. I was pretty much shipped with the only other asian of the court. Keep in mind, I’ve had a crush on this girl since junior year. Never really planned ok doing something about it until that whole homecoming event happened. I ended up asking her to be my date for homecoming, and things led to more things between us. She became my girlfriend. My first girlfriend. Man I turned into a simp ass dude. So it was pretty much, basketball, her, and my friends all senior year. Wasn’t all perfect mixing all of those together but somehow it happened. 2015: Class of 2015 woohoo! So basketball took over my senior year, and when season ended in February is when I actually started enjoying my senior year. I got to hang out more, with my friends and ofcourse my girlfriend at the time. It was cool! Dramas here and there but it was cool. I think 1st week of May was when my ex broke up with me. I didnt know what to feel about it. First time having a “heart break”. But nah I was alright, mainly because not a lot of things happened between us anyways. Not even a kiss. I was sad but it was alright. I spent the last month of senior year, having fun with my friends. Fixed all the drama that happened and just made sure we went out with a bang. Shit, well like I said June 4th, I graduated again. There goes my high school memories. 2015 (summer): The day after graduation I went to the beach with my group of friends. It was dope! Emotional. Just what we all needed. Around those times I also rekindled with my ex. Lets just say I wasnt the one to reach out. But yes one thing led to another. We got back together. This time it was different. We matured. Our relationship got deeper. First everything. Kiss and ALL that. Okay that’s it, I’m not gonna elaborate on that anymore. 2015 (college): I started an LVN program, 15 month program. This was the time where I mainly focused on school and my gf at the time. I distant myself from my other friends well maybe except for my best friend. But knowing what I know now, I wish I didn’t distant myself as much. I wish I knew how to balance already, but hey I was still learning. Oh First week of August, I moved in a new house too! Same house as I am in right now. 2016: School was going great, I learned to love nursing even more. I was exposed to the medical life. How it could be hard at times but worth it. Around April or May of this year however, we broke up again. But this time it was for good. It was her choice, I don’t know exactly why but I had to respect that. This is when the real heart break happened. I had my heart totally broken into pieces. Sounds dramatic but so was I around that time. It took me awhile to get over it, probably 6-7 months? I dont know, but awhile. I learned to let go and forgive. I went on with life, I finished my school on November. And I became close with my friends again. And this time, I know not to take them for granted. 2017: I went to Philippines for 2 weeks. A much needed vacation. It was short, but it’s alright because I’ll be back in a month. For my bday :) As of right now, I took a break from school and gonna wait till After I get back from philippines to take my NCLEX. So tumblr, for now thank you for listening. Brb, gonna continue life. Well gonna sleep first then continue life. Gnight its 3:20am.