#so they don’t have to expose anyone else to their weird abusive bullshit

[angelsarecomputers]

I disagree with the statement that ‘harry doesn’t deserve kim’. not because I think harry’s a good guy or would make kim’s life better in any way but because they’re both fucked up pieces of shit and they Would Make Each Other Worse

[rotationalsymmetry]

Tumblr is not real life: polyamory

Dating more people is not a substitute for other forms of connection, like friendships. If you’re bad at making or keeping friends or actually relying on the friends you have for emotional support (no shame, me too, it’s something you can and should work on though) then if you look for polyamorous relationships before you figure out the friends thing you are going to need a support network that you don’t actually have.

Most polyamorous relationships don’t involve everyone dating everyone else. They’re networks where usually two people who are dating a third person aren’t dating each other.

There’s actually reasons to be cautions about everyone-dates-everyone-else clusters (triads/throuples or with more people) even if everyone’s on board. Doubly so when people don’t have emotionally close connections outside of the polycule. Breaking up in a group like that is hard (I mean, even harder than breaking up a dyad is) and often people will put up with things that are bad for them because they’re afraid of breaking up.

Sometimes couples looking for “a third” for both of them to date (“unicorn hunters”) bring other bullshit to the table, like expecting the “third” to not date anyone else or not being public about the relationship or expecting the “third” to go along with whatever the original couple has decided, but even if those other aspects aren’t present, everyone-dates-everyone-else relationships are very risky.

When people avoid everyone-dates-everyone-else relationships, sometimes they still expect an excessive and inappropriate level of closeness between metamours (people who have the same partner.) While many polyamorous people prefer metamour closeness and this is a fine preference, it’s important to respect people’s boundaries when one person doesn’t want that, or when everyone wanted it initially but it’s just not working out. Metamours don’t have to be best buds.

It is really freaking weird to be polyamorous and see basically all polyamorous fic and discussion on tumblr be this highly romanticized, impractical version of polyamory — things that are about as realistic as falling in love at first sight and getting married immediately after and having that work out fine — and none of it reflects how polyamorous dating works (well) in the real world. It feels like polyamory is being used as a romantic fantasy prop rather than being taken seriously as a thing people actually do in the real world.

It’s basically 50 Shades of Gray for polyamory — like ok, glad you find the fantasy interesting I guess (and some people do find their way to real world communities via fantasy) but you’re treating us like vampires or something else that doesn’t actually exist.

And then newbies who want to try it out in the real world have their heads full of absolute nonsense, because they’ve only been exposed to the fantasy version.

there’s something called the “Geek Social Fallacies” (look it up) that criticized common ways geek/fandom communities handle friendships, such as expecting that friends should always hang out as one big group so if two people don’t really get along that’s a Massive Catastrophe. Really in healthy friend groups things are fluid and you can have different events with different people present, so it’s possible to stay friends with people who can’t stand being around each other. (Caveat: if one can’t stand another due to abuse sometimes it’s better to cut out the abuser. But often when two people don’t want to be around each other there isn’t a clear villain.) It’s the same way with both friendships and relationships in polyamory: it’s lovely when your friends get along and lovely when your partners get along, but it’s not necessary. And it’s unhealthy to make it be necessary.

[masterthespianduchovny]

I’m going to be honest before I get to the Sam/Rebecca subplot: if they drop plots threads indicating that this continue into the next season and uplift this pairing, I’m out.

This storyline is gross and I can see why some people quit the show when the revealed happened.

When I say I’m repulsed by age gap relationships of this nature, this isn’t a shipping thing or a race thing. This is a moral and ethical thing. Because it’s not just an age gap, it’s also that Rebecca is Sam’s boss. I legitimately don’t see how people can overlook this and ship how “cute” this is. I’m not judging anyone, it just genuinely doesn’t make sense to me.

And for people who think I’m a hypocrite, Ted/Rebecca is not the same. Sam and Rebecca is like a principal dating a student. If you want to age Sam up, because people love to accuse others of infantilizing Sam, it’s like the president of a college dating a student. In both cases, there would be backlash, and have been, to these types of relationships.

Which would make Ted’s position that of a teacher/professor or someone higher. In most cases, there aren’t objections, however, both parties have to be transparent about their relationship and careful about how and if that influences their professional relationship with each other and others.

Last week, I mentioned a friend of mine who was 18 and dated someone who was 28. Both are white for reference. When I found out their ages and respective positions, I became concerned and doubly concerned.

Oh, they had chemistry and he made her so happy, but he was also controlling as fuck and emotionally abusive. During the duration of their relationship, he became her boss and would monitor her interactions via cameras in the back office. She was stressed out as fuck and would go to the bathroom to cry. You know, where cameras weren’t and where he couldn’t enter.

And it was a secret relationship because he could get in trouble. I didn’t say anything because she was with her boyfriend before she knew me. Me telling someone could’ve gotten him in trouble or fired, but that wouldn’t have ended the relationship. It would’ve made her end our friendship and cling closer to him. Instead, after I quit for other reasons, I sporadically checked on her to see how she was doing and give her advice and resources.

As far as the actual episode itself goes, I struggled to enjoy it due to the Sam/Rebecca situation. It should’ve ended at dinner at most.

The only emotional beat that landed, imo, was Jamie and Roy’s hug. I do think Ted’s confession was strong, but the flow was kinda weird for me. By itself it works.

Two things working for me that wasn’t at the forefront of the episode was 1. How Ted’s problem is fucking over the team. 2. That Nate is in over his head.

Even if AFC Richmond had lost with Ted being in his A game, it wouldn’t have been that made and the team would’ve been more competitive. They were sloppy and making baffling errors. Their head was not in the game and it showed. Man City wasn’t that good, Richmond was just that ill prepared.

And who led training?

Nate.

Nate has great instincts, but he isn’t ready to lead a team and he still has a lot of work to do before growing into coaching a team as head coach.

But let me stress, this falls completely on Ted and even Beard to an extent. Yes, Ted is having emotional issues, however, many people rely on him and he wasn’t there. I don’t mean literally because teams should be able to function without their head coach for stretches of time. He hasn’t been there mentally and emotionally for most of the season. Because AFC Richmond’s competition isn’t as premier as Man City, it’s easier to appear more dominant that you are, esp if you’re coach isn’t on his A game. However, when you’re up against actual Goliath’s in the league, you’ll get your ass handed to you like Richmond did.

As I mentioned earlier, if they do go through with supporting and uplifting Sam/Rebecca, my time with this fandom ends with the season 2 finale.

But if we take Ted’s dark forest into consideration, there is another way this could play out. Actually many.

The one I can see happening that can get her somewhat redeemed, because some will never get over this happening in the first place, is her hitting rock bottom via her relationship with Sam. Something will happen or make her have unflattering thoughts about herself and her actions that will drive her into a tailspin.

And I’m unsure if it’ll be just a personal crisis or if it’ll also be a professional crisis.

Some may disagree with me, but I do want this affair to come to light. Because if it doesn’t, it sets up this fucked up precedent that Rebecca can do fucked up shit and get away with it in private.

Rebecca fucked over her club, uprooted a man’s life in bad faith, and almost ruined several people’s careers due to her bullshit in the first season. The fact that she didn’t have to answer for any of this is a God damn mercy on Ted’s part even though she didn’t ask for it.

Now for her to date/fuck a player because “she just has to know.” Because she doesn’t want to let something pass her by?

Yeah…no.

Rebecca’s fear of loneliness is leading her to make very bad decisions and I fear what this means for Sam’s career and relationships if this breaks. There were people who allegedly care for Sam, yet cheered for this relationship to happen. What do you think happens with his locker room relationships? I’ve already explained in another post that either this sours those relationships OR they want favors from him because he’s dating/fucking the boss.

He’ll get crucified in the media. He may even have trouble getting employed. Why? Because that’s how racism works.

“But, masterthespianduchovny, if Sam may receive hate and racist acts committed against him, why do you want the affair exposed?”

Because this shit show of a relationship isn’t about just Sam. It’s about Rebecca’s fear of loneliness leading her to make bad decisions that effects everyone not just her and Sam. It’s the fact that a white woman isn’t thinking about how her actions could have major consequences for a young black man.

Rebecca is so obsessed with not being lonely and being loved that 1. She never sought help or productive ways to deal with the fall out and humiliation of her marriage. 2. She dated a man because he was “fine” and not because she was actually invested in him and the relationship 3. She’s getting involved with a player on her team without thinking of any of the consequences. 4. She’s not considering the other players, the coaches, or anyone else she’s responsible for.

Oh, and considering we got that call from Sam’s dad…his relationship with his father will most likely suffer as a result. AND now that Dubai Air thing looks suspect, esp because she was talking to him around that time unknowingly.

Oop! And isn’t she getting her relationship with Nora back on track? Even though Nora and Sam can’t legally date and I’m not saying every decision should be swayed by a teenage girl, however, Rebecca is literally sabotaging every relationship just because she’s afraid of being alone (I agree with another poster who said we really didn’t need to explore this storyline, but alas…)

Although Ted forgave Rebecca for her scheming in season one, I honestly don’t think he’d be so forgiving for this. It’s his job to protect players and look out for their well being and how can he one his boss is involved with one of his players, which again, affects others players. This relationship has major consequences for other people who are not in it.

Also, Sam…for someone who people love to say is mature enough to date an older woman, not once did even be consider the ramifications of getting involved with the boss.

Not once.

And that looks bad because a mature person his age would be mindful of such a thing. This isn’t considered or, at least, isn’t said onscreen. Sam os either thinking with his dick, his heart, or both, but he isn’t thinking with his head. Because there is no way you’re thinking with your head and don’t stop to say, “hey, this thing could jeopardize my relationship with my teammates and the other people I work with. Maybe I should think some more of this before pursuing a relationship with my boss.” Sam was all in from the moment he decided he wanted to have dinner with Rebecca. There was no thinking on his end.

But Sam’s super mature, right?

Another poster mentioned that there might be a screaming match between Rebecca and ted and I’m so here for that. No, I don’t think this argument will be romantic. They’ll have legitimate gripes with each other, but yeah…this is an argument that needs to happen. Which will most likely be before Rebecca gets help.

That’s all assuming this happens. Like I said, they could have Sam and Rebecca being a power couple (🤮), or handle this some other way. But if this is going to be framed as a good thing, others can enjoy it, but the show will have one less viewer from me.

[meme-loving-stuck]

Not to be all Controversial™ again but whoever started screaming "cringe culture is dead!!!!!" did more to kill off all the collective brain cells of fandom tumblr than like, anything else ever in the history of this site

Like, it's one thing to say "stop making fun of kids for liking harmless shit made for kids" and it's one thing to say "stop making fun of ANYONE for liking harmless shit"

It's another thing ENTIRELY to be saying "Don't criticize ANYONE for liking ANYTHING or you're an ASSHOLE with a SUPERIORITY COMPLEX"

Because you know what is missing from that? The part where it's harmless.

It's all fine and dandy if you like Harry Potter. Or drawing yourself as an Among Us character, they're adorable. Or listening to KPOP.

What's NOT harmless is obsessing over a piece of media to the point where you defend it's creator and flaws to your dying breath, and anyone who dares argue with you is a BIG MEAN ASSHOLE WHO LIKES TO RUIN PEOPLE'S FUN >:((. Pushing THAT idea and mentality is not harmless, it never has been, but that's what y'all have been doing!

Now we've got

fucking KPOP fans infantilizing, fetishizing, obsessing over these "idols" in a way that is literally fueled by racism & fujoshi bullshit. And a lot of KPOP idols, who are literal celebrities, are also racist themselves! Remember the BTS Nazi photoshoot? Or how many of these people think using racial slurs is fine because they're not white? I'll let you google those. Fans fall allll over themselves to defend, excuse, and erase the harm the industry does, the harm the individuals do as public figures, & will now ravenously attack anyone who dares criticize them for their weird fetishization of asian men & women alike.

35 year old Harry-Potter-obsessed cis women harrassing minors online for saying ANYTHING about the series. Anything. I swear to god. But they're even worse if you happen to point out the blatant whitewashing, antisemitism, or racism in the original books AND movies. Bonus points if you try to criticize JKR herself for openly FURTHERING her bigoted bullshit on her multi-million dollar Twitter Throne, and you find out these fans are also transphobic, and they RABIDLY SUPPORT THE AUTHOR. Hmm!

Reylo.

Actually, people shipping, promoting, producing content of abusive, incestual, or pedophilic pairings IN GENERAL. Putting this kind of shit where minors could be exposed to it, and using it as an excuse to groom minors, even. Don't even get me STARTED on if it's a nonstraight ship. Then you literally cannot criticize them or you're a homophobic/transphobic piece of shit and how dare you!!!

Literally just ANY popular piece of British media being 'adapted' and in turn whitewashed, or just openly racist in the way it handles characters! And being written by racists! And having the actors be racist in public where their fans can see it and adore it! So you get entire fandoms JUMPING to defend either the show's, the actor's, or its own racism because it's """"british humor"""" girl I.....

All of this and I'm an asshole for telling you you're a weirdo? Fuck off lmfao it has NOTHING to do with ~Cringe Culture™™™ it has to do with you not being capable of critical thought or critical consumption of media AT ALL. You're not being "bullied" you're being recognized as someone who doesn't consume or interact with any media in a healthy way.

So yeah, you deserve to be called out on it.

[lesserfandomappreciation]

Hello! What type of fanfiction do you write/don't write? (Shy!Reader, Baby!Reader, etc) (fluff, angst, etc)

It's easier to list the stuff I don't write, simply because I do write so many types of fic that it's tricky to list. Stuff I don't write for:

For really specific stuff I'd rather that be commissions than requests (working on opening those - setting up some sort of paypal has been tricky).

There's the general rules stuff for NSFW: I do NOT write r*pe, dubcon, abuse, incest, vore, underage. There's writers who are comfortable with that but personally, I am not one of them. This is the reason that while Beastars itself deals with some heavy NSFW content, I myself don't write NSFW content for it.

I used to do age up requests, which is why if you go back far in like the beginning when the blog first started you might find some really old age up writings. People got weird with it though. Age-ups are thus no longer a thing.

Beyond that it's usually case-by-case. Kinks range, and while I am down to right most I also haven't been exposed to all that many, so it really depends.

Requests for real people such as actors are a no-go. They're people, they're already highly scrutinized, highly fetishized (see the treatment of any popular poc actor) - I do not need to add fuel to that fire. Having your own fantasies is fine, but writing content for it is just not for me.

Yandere is just not comfortable at all. Do not like the idea of a manipulative love. I do write content for characters that would be unhealthy, but I specify that and do trigger-warnings accordingly. Specifically writing for the goal of being yandere feels icky (No shame to those who like it, I just do not).

There have been requests before of fetishizing disabilities and race. As a writer I recognize that writing about an s/o who is disabled or of certain backgrounds is not a bad thing and can be awesome for people who don't really see themselves portrayed in fanfic. But I also recognize that there is a severe line between celebrating who one is versus being very fucking gross about it. Race and disability are parts of humanity that should be recognized and treated with respect, not treated as a kink. There are some previous requesters who tried to bulldoze that line. They are gone now. *

*(I should also mention that if EVER any fanfic of mine is harmful in any way - racial stereotypes, making light of disabilities - anything like that, to please DO NOT HESITATE TO TELL ME. Just like anyone else I live in a society where I am constantly having to unlearn shit, doubly so as a white person. If my writing is harmful, tell me and I will educate myself so that I do not do so again. Unlearning societal bullshit is a life journey, growth is constant.)

Trigger warning: discussions of real-life tragedies below. Skip ahead next paragraph. The one I avoid above all else is any request that has to do with real-life tragedies. There are some people on tumblr who treat real-life horrors as fantasy. Because they're so separate or out-of-touch from the event, they get the terrible idea that they should request a character reacting to real event, like (and these are ACTUAL requests I have had to delete) school shootings and George Floyd. These events are not a playground to run scenarios with; these are serious sorrowful moments that deeply affect many. To make light of them by using them as a backdrop to a request is just... yikes. There's not enough negative words to express how horrendous that is. Will not touch them, I just delete those or blast them for being gross.

In general, the best rule to remember is that I write for pretty much about anything so long as the request is respectful, and that it's case-by-case unless otherwise stated. If you're unsure, feel free to ask!

Stay safe darlings!

[astraltrain]

i realize i haven't talked about gorillaz hcs on here in a Fat Second so here i go. trigger warnings for uhhh abuse, trauma, suicide mention, alcohol mention, death mention, experimentation (for noodle) - this is gorillaz there's a lot. this is also SUPER LONG so i'll try and add a read more

every one of em has Trauma To The Max babey!!!! these guys have been to hell and back!!! literally in murdoc's case

cyborg could talk! she just chose not to. also murdoc realized programming her with a voice was annoying because she Looked like noodle but he couldn't make her sound exactly like her and it pissed him off. every word cyborg learned was through murdoc/2D/the book of man/various other scrap pieces of paper she found

russel n del were boyfs. fuck you

2D is the only straight member. i think this is canon actually ngl (was it ever made canon that russel n del were together?? i don't remember)

russel truly believes del was his soulmate and that he'll never find love again

every year on the anniversary of d-day 2D goes back to the place where the uncle norm's organ emporium was (which is now a greggs. i know my gorillaz lore) and just vibes for a bit

russel likes to visit graveyards and play music for the lonely spirits who don't get visitors

2D accompanied him once on one of these trips and it was wild cause 2D's like "russel russel russel are there any spirits near me" as like. all of the spirits huddle next to russel because 2D is loud and annoying. russel's like "oh yeah dee there's tons of spirits over there they really like you. why don't you sing for them" and dee's like :DD

2D is generally pretty oblivious. but. he noticed russel was really sad and missing del during phase two and wrote mr softy's balloon race to cheer him up. it was one of the nicest things russel had received in years and he cried over it for hours. what 2D Didn't know was that he'd just saved russel's life and he didn't even know it.

noodle as a ten year old didn't realize How Bad the relationship between murdoc and 2D was. obviously she'd had a really fucked up childhood so far so when murdoc would hurt 2D and 2D would laugh and play it off so as not to scare noodle, noodle was just like :DDD thinking it was all ok

it was during the time that noodle was alone in phase two after remembering her past that she was like. o h n o that was bad wasn't it

noodle met a girl in japan and lowkey fell in love with her, but they had to split so noodle could go back to kong. she wrote every planet we reach is dead for her

2D and noodle never got to properly reunite in phase three. by the time doyathing happened, 2D hadn't seen her in like seven years

murdoc is trying to be less of a terrible person now and all the other members take advantage of it. russel's like "can i get a coffee please murdoc" and murdoc goes "fuck off" but all russel has to say is "remember when you thought i'd offed myself so you replaced me with a drum machine" and murdoc's like. "how many sugars" dhdgdgdh

noodle n 2D fucking love to dance together like absolute nerds

2D is like. the awkward big brother

they are each others wingmen when picking up girls

except 2D doesn't do that as much anymore so in reality he tries to be noodle's wingman but it fails miserably because 2D Can't Do Social Interaction

the boogieman and the evangelist were murdoc's parents

all the band have really bad insomnia and nightmares so sometimes they all have sleepovers in one room and just. watch a movie and sit on their phones but they're in each other's company and that's all they need

they all have a fear of helicopters, especially noodle

russel became extremely claustrophobic after his time in north korea which was very understandable

all of them have pretty weird triggers but none of them question them. noodle starts freaking out cause 2D's eating bacon and he's like "o shit sorry i'll go to another room" they're all very respectful and it's great

the reason 2D had that bead curtain door in phase four was cause after plastic beach, he couldn't stand to be in rooms with closed doors anymore

also! more 2D angst! he didn't sing for like. a good couple years after plastic beach because Trauma Babey!! so when he had to sing again for humanz, the first time he got into the studio he just. had a complete fucking meltdown because he was so scared to sing again. eventually he managed it but he literally couldn't sing with murdoc around because he was so afraid of him

noodle sometimes does really childish stuff because obviously she had no fucking childhood and the others just let her go for it and support her if she gets embarrassed about it

noodle has killed people. lots of em. some against her will as a kid, some more recently. she has a lot of nightmares about it but unlike the rest of the band, she does Really good self care and looks after herself really well

the band sometimes go on spontaneous road trips and usually end up getting lost and taking aesthetic pictures at gas stations

noodle very rarely cries because she would have gotten into trouble for that as a kid so she bottles all her emotions up in favour of helping her family. when she started going to therapy she pretended all was well for a little while but that didn't work for very long and she completely broke down. russel was very surprised to see noodle come home that day in tears and just throw herself into his arms

noodle really likes fashion and clothes and makeup!! she likes to be Colourful and Bright

when she first arrived at kong at ten years old, she really didn't understand what was going on. none of the band spoke any japanese so she was under the impression that these people were new doctors who were going to train/test on her. she stuck to the routine she was given back in japan and was very surprised when the others didn't do the same. like small green man it's three in the afternoon why are you just up?? big bald man why are you just going to bed??? where is the tall blue man WHAT IS GOING ON

none of the band members were qualified to be parents. at all. they were all very messed up mentally and therefore noodle just kinda did what she wanted as a kid

noodle was exposed to a lot of bad shit while in kong. 2D and murdoc were not responsible at all about what they did and said around noodle so russel tried to be more responsible about that, but little noodle's just like "oh don't worry i've seen worse" and russel's like ?????

noodle was the one to rebuild cyborg out of the parts she had left from plastic beach. she did this while murdoc was in prison just to prove she could

2D has an extreme fear of cyborg, which is. obvious

noodle didn't tell 2D she was rebuilding cyborg. when he finds out he flips his shit and noodle's like. ah. maybe this was not a great idea

cyborg has now formed her own band! the rejects!

2D wears little bobby pins in his hair behind his ear which the band sometimes lowkey makes fun of him for until one day noodle asks why and he tells her it was because back on plastic beach, murdoc would sometimes be too drunk to remember to bring 2D food so he had to pick the lock and go steal some. so Yikes babey!!!!!!

writing the fall was the only thing that helped 2D cope during plastic beach. that's why there was barely any singing on it - this was HIS album, HIS voice, not murdoc's. he could do what he wanted with it. writing it was the only thing that kept him sane

noodle's the only member who hasn't tried to off herself at any point oop

they're all doing a lot better now cause they're all going to therapy yes even murdoc! yay fun happy times

russel taught noodle english and in return noodle taught him japanese. russel can now speak pretty good japanese and 2D knows like. the most basic of shit *flashbacks to the gshock interview video*

there was a while where noodle believed that literally all she was for was other people. that she was either a weapon or a guitarist and nothing more. it was only after she disappeared after phase two that she realized she could be more

she still has a scar from el mañana but she covers it up with makeup

2D and murdoc have made a pact to smoke/drink less, respectively. they also made what they called a "non suicide pact" - a pact not to off themselves, formed after 2D found murdoc shooting bullets into the ceiling in phase four

murdoc knew about the dartboard 2D had in his room that had his face on it because noodle and russel told him but he didn't really believe it until he went up into his room like "hey dents can i -" and 2D turns round and just stares at him, darts in hand fhgvhfhvf

murdoc: ....whatya doin' there dents

2D, turning back to the dartboard and throwing one straight into dartboard murdoc's eye: practicing for the real thing

hcvdhvdfhg anyway

sometimes 2D literally Cannot be around murdoc so he'll disappear for days without telling anyone cause he forgets that people worry about him oh no

murdoc says he wants to drink less alcohol cause he wants to better himself as a person but really it's because he can't drink without getting flashbacks to plastic beach

murdoc's memories of plastic beach aren't great. he was drunk out his mind most of the time so he luckily forgot a lot that comes back to haunt him in nightmares and has him waking up thinking "fuck did i really do that??" but yeah sometimes 2D just reminds him of something really awful he did and murdoc's like. a h

when ace came into gorillaz he was absolutely doing it for the paycheck. then he realized how Enormously Fucked Up these people were and was like o h n o

ace could not understand a word of 2D's english accent

ace once asked 2D why he was called that. 2D said "well my real name is stuart but murdoc calls me 2D and it stuck" and ace goes!!! that's bullshit!!! and he starts calling him stuart. he refuses to call him 2D. 2D gets so emotional over it he starts crying and ace is like "s h i t what do i do did i fuck up" but in reality dee's just glad to like. not be "2D" for once and to just be someone else

murdoc and 2D are heavily codependent on each other and it's extremely unhealthy cause obviously they're Really Bad For Each Other but. 2D's known murdoc since he was 19 and murdoc has never really left his life except for the one point before and after plastic beach. that's why when murdoc goes to prison in phase five, 2D just goes apeshit. because now 2D doesn't have the threat of murdoc constantly hanging over his head!! he's gone and 2D is free!!!! yay!!!!!!!

then he's like. o h. he's gone and i'm free. oh no

because he has no clue what to do with himself now!! his whole life revolved around murdoc and now murdoc is gone 2D's realizing "Oh No maybe our relationship WAS really unhealthy if i'm feeling this depressed now that he's gone!!!"

the now now was like. the fall part two: electric boogaloo in terms of how 2D wrote it to cope with his trauma

souk eye was like a really depressing love song

2D's lowkey a little in love with murdoc but not really in the romantic sense at all. and obviously it's not cute or reciprocated by murdoc or anything 2d.c shippers dni blease

he just. feels like murdoc's the only one who could ever love him and UGH it's so unhealthy. luckily noodle makes him go to therapy and he gets a bit better. by the time the end of phase five rolls around 2D's like >:D yeah!! i won't let you hurt me anymore murdoc!!!

then murdoc actually escapes and is rumored to be dead and the whole band just shuts down

because murdoc, like it or not (and none of them liked it), was the glue that held the band together. and fuck if it didn't fucking destroy them all a little bit, especially 2D

then murdoc showed up at their door and. 2D was the one to answer it without knowing it was murdoc. and there's noodle and also murdoc, still in his prison clothes, covered in literal shit, and the first thing he blurts out is "i listened to the album."

2D panics and slams the door in his face HCDGHGCDH

russel refuses to let murdoc inside unless he can give him one good reason to. noodle comes in through the back door and comforts her brother while he has a panic attack and murdoc's just. sitting at the door pouring his heart out to russel through the door. covered in shit. these guys need help man

eventually 2D and murdoc face each other again and oh lord. they're both crying and then murdoc apologizes and murdoc's never apologized for anything, ever, he never says he's sorry, and then they're hugging and noodle and russel are like !!!!!!!

meanwhile ace is like. can i get my paycheck. can i PLEASE get my paycheck

murdoc: here dents i got you a demon possessed yak. her name is madonna

ace, who's spent many a night listening to 2D cry and vent about murdoc and all he's done to him: surely he's not just gonna accept that and move on

russel and noodle, who know 2D far too well: oh he will. trust me he will

long story short 2D is now the proud father of a demon possessed yak named madonna

song machine is kind of like. their Big Project that they're putting together to try and bring them all closer as a family. it's kind of working but also not really. they're trying their best

they're all a good family and they have to stick together and they're messed up but they love each other!!!! that is all thank you and goodnight ladies and gentlemen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[chickensarentcheap]

Best Part of Me -Chapter 38

Warnings: none

Tagging: @c-a-v-a-l-r-y​, @alievans007​, @innerpaperexpertcloud​, @ocfairygodmother​

“How much do you think Kyle knows?” Esme asks, several hours later as she stands at the end of their bed with Addie in her arms. Her body sways from side to side; the movement solely to calm her shaky nerves baby, the baby already fast asleep. Her voice is low; eager to keep any eavesdroppers -especially little ones- from hearing their conversation.

“Might not know anything,” Tyler replies, as he slips into a pair of cargo pants, tending to the zipper and button.

“What’s the chances of that?  Considering all the time he’s been spending over there, getting to know her. In the biblical sense.”

“How long were you able to hide what you did for a living from your family?”

“That’s a valid point. But I didn’t live under the same roof as them. And Kyle’s been over there every day for a week and a half; we barely see him. Can you be with someone THAT much and still be totally oblivious?”

“Maybe she’s really good at her job and knows how to keep things on the down low. She fooled us, didn’t she?”

“I’d just like to take this opportunity to swallow my pride and admit that you were right all along. You didn’t trust her from day one. “

“You called me paranoid and overprotective,” he reminds her.

“Usually that’s all it is,” she reasons. “You can be VERY paranoid and overprotective. I thought you didn’t want some strange all up in your personal space. You don’t like people disturbing your happy place.”

“You can’t tell me you didn’t think there was something...off...about her.”

Esme shrugs. “I thought maybe she was just eccentric and outgoing. Friendly.”

“Overly friendly. Like she was trying too hard.”

“Well you ARE a tough nut to crack. I guess it is sort of strange that  she seemed so hell bent on being friends with you; you’re not exactly the warmest and most welcoming person. And the whole thing wanting to touch you all the time,” she frowns. “I mean, I can’t exactly blame her for wanting to. I’d want to feel you up too. But she was so...I don’t know...insistent.”

“And you encouraged it. That night she had dinner here.”

“I was joking around and you were a really good sport about it. I just thought she was being goofy and totally harmless. And I was right there. It’s not like she was being sneaky about it.”

“Like when she came over here and I was alone and she started making comments about my dick?”

“It’s a very nice dick,” she playfully comments. “Guess she just knows a good thing when she sees it.”

“It was weird. Normally I don’t  mind being checked out, but that was fucked up.”

“Maybe she wanted to bang you and see if you lived up to your man whore reputation,” Esme teases, and he gives a small laugh and snags a belt from the closet; slipping it through the loops on his pants. “I don’t blame her for being thirsty. I’ve been thirsty for seven years and I feel no shame for that.”

“Yeah, but I like when it comes from you. Other people? Not as much. And she’s a little…”

“Overbearing?”

“That works.”

“I don’t understand how he didn’t hear or say anything,” she muses, watching her husband as he finishes dressing. Shrugging into a short sleeved button down; olive green and fitting ‘just right’ across that broad chest and shoulders and snug around the biceps.  

He’s changed a lot in seven years; physically speaking. Heavier and wider, stronger and more powerful, a touch more gray scattered throughout his hair and in his beard. More tattoos and scars that are still healing; injuries he’d sustained at Michael McMann’s home in Ireland. But the most drastic difference -despite the horrors and struggles with PTSD and everything that comes with it- are with his personality. The edge is still there. The grittiness and the toughness that comes with years of serving in the military and then as a ‘gun for hire’; the often haunted look in his eyes, caused by the things he’s seen and heard and had been forced to do to stay alive. It had taken years for all those walls to come tumbling down; a full time job even after they’d gotten married and having Millie AND the twins.

It had been a struggle for him; opening up to someone, trusting them, allowing himself to have those softer and vulnerable moments. He’d grown up with an abusive father and went straight into the SASR after graduating high school; had a wife that cheated on him regularly, had a child diagnosed with a terminal illness, then made the unfortunate -and entirely selfish- decision to abandon him while he was dying.  But little by little the cracks in that hardened exterior began to spread and grow wider.  He began laughing and smiling more easily; genuine smiles that would light up his face and crinkle the corners of his eyes. Letting go of the constant need to be the strong and stoic one; afraid that too much emotion and showing -and receiving- too much affection made him ‘soft’. Weak.

Slowly he’d come around; his children managing to strip away at the last of the layers that he found it so hard to get rid of. They’d  always been there. The empathy.  The compassion. A heart ten times bigger than his body. Just needing to be reminding that it was okay to expose those sides of himself; to allow himself to feel.

To be human.

“It would be hard don’t you think?” she continues, as she places Addie in her bassinet.  “Keeping that kind of secret when you’re under the same roof?”

We’ve kept a lot of secret things from each other,” Tyler points out.

“That’s different. We have a past and a lot of bad things happened in it. Anything we’ve held back from one another, has been done with good intentions. She’s just over there doing her thing and spying on us and having her colleagues over. She’s probably just been using him to get close to us. Or to find things out about us. Kyle isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer and he wouldn’t twice about it if she started asking him things. If she’s that sneaky…”

“Maybe what’s going on between them is legit. Maybe the dick’s that good.”

Esme grimaces. “Ewww. That is my brother. Let’s not talk about that. He probably could have given you a run for your money during your days as a whore.”

“I was not THAT bad.”

“Bullshit you weren’t! I bet half those scars on your back aren’t even from the job. I bet they’re left behind from some stripper with those tacky long nails that are like daggers.”

He grins, then leans it to press a chaste kiss to her lips. “She was a Sunday school teacher, actually.”

“Yeah, and I bet now she can’t even walk into a church without bursting into flames because of how badly you corrupted her with your filthy ways. I was an innocent, good girl until I met you. And now look.”

“You may have only been with two other guys before me, but there was nothing innocent about you.  What went on those days? Even just that first day? Good girl, my ass.”

“I can’t help it that the voice and the accent brought out the nympho in me,” she says, and directs a swat to his ass before he heads around to his side of the bed. Watching as he removes the Glock remover and its holster from the lock box in the nightstand; slipping the latter onto his right hip before covering it with the bottom of his shirt.

“Better to be safe than sorry,” Tyler reasons, when he catches her observing with wide eyes.

“And if all else fails, she probably has a garden rake you can borrow and kill someone with.”

He smirks.  “It’s not too far-fetched to think maybe things between your brother and Salena are the real deal. What would she have to gain by banging him just to get to us?”

“Orgasms? Hopefully.”

“It makes no sense that she’d do that.  Hook up with him to get to us. That’s way too much work.”

“None of this makes any sense,” she grumbles, and then sheds her housecoat in favour of pulling on  a simple white and yellow striped Maxi dress over her bra and panties.

Tyler doesn’t argue with that.

“Okay, so we’ve established that it is possible Kyle knows nothing. But explain this to me: why would Mahajan give us Ovi if his intention all along was to come after you? Wouldn’t that just put Ovi in harm's way all over again? And why would he wait this long for revenge? The kid’s been with us for six years now.”

“I dunno, babe. He’s got his reasons I guess.”

“It’s been seven years since Dhaka. If he held a grudge against anyone, it would have been Saju. For not taking you out.”

“But he’s dead and I’m still here. So…”

“That line of thinking makes no sense,” she argues. “Why would he wait all this time to exact revenge?”

“Probably to catch me off guard.”

“Hmm...I guess…”

“Or maybe he was waiting until I had a lot to lose. So it would make a bigger impact.”

“That’s just fucked,” Esme declares. “And if that’s the way he thinks, he’s an even bigger monster than I thought. Waiting until a man has a family?”

“More lives destroyed that way,” Tyler reasons.

“That’s messed up.”

“You what kind of people these are. You’ve worked closer with them than I have. You were the one that would go in and make nice with them and get them to trust so you could get the info guys like me needed. You can’t tell me you didn’t hear and some fucked up shit.”

“Of course I did.  But this is different. This is personal. We aren’t talking about random strangers we’ve been hired to help. We’re talking about OUR family. You’re not just some guy off the street that I barely know. You’re my husband. And those are my kids downstairs and…”

“Nothing’s going to happen to the kids. Or you.”

She scowls. “I noticed you didn’t put yourself in there.”

“I gotta do what I gotta do, yeah? Keep you and the kids safe. That’s all that matters to me.”

“Well it matters to me if you’re still breathing at the end of it. And can we not think all doom and gloom? If Salena is telling the truth...if she is who she says she is and she’s working for Neysa and her ‘people’ are keeping an eye on things...maybe things won’t escalate. Maybe it will just be all idle threats and nothing will come of them.”

“You really want to just sit back and hope nothing happens?”

“What else can do?”

He takes a seat at the end of the bed, grimacing at the pain in his knee and the small of his back. “I can eliminate the threat.”

“You said yourself that you can’t just walk into the prison and shoot him in the head. And it’s the people he has doing his bidding  that we have to worry about.”

“So I stop them before they can cause issues.”

Esme frowns. “You’re talking about tracking them down  first? Before they can even get this far?”

“Take them right out of the game before it even starts.”

“That’s a little risky don’t you think? How would you even know who  these people are? I doubt Mahajan is going to willingly give you their names.”

“There’s ways of finding out.”

“How?” she asks, and leans back against the dresser across from her.

Tyler stares at her pointedly.

“Oh hell no!” Esme objects. “I am not getting involved in this.”

“You already ARE involved in this.”

“I am NOT  going to Mumbai to talk to Mahajan.  There is no way I’d be able to get information out of him. Why the hell would he tell me anything? If he really IS after you, he’s going to tell your wife who’s working for him.”

“I wouldn’t let you go there anyway. But you know people. You still have contacts in the game. Probably some that are in India right now.”

“People that I haven’t talked to in years,” she reminds him. “I can’t just call them up and ask them for help. It isn’t the same kind of relationship you have with your contacts. They’re glad to hear from you’; they’re happy you’re even still alive. Mine are hoping I’m dead. That’s a lot of burnt bridges, Tyler. And some of them? Going to them for help would only make things worse.”

“So you give me their names and numbers. I’ll talk to them.”

“And that would be better, how? I lied to them years ago and now I turn around and give their info to a mercenary? You can see why that would be problematic, right?”

“Then just give me their names and I’ll find their numbers another way. I don’t even need to bring you into it. They don’t need to know how I found them.”

“They’d figure it out.”

“Well we need to figure out who these people are. The ones working for Mahajan. Before shit does hit the fan.”

“WE don’t need to do anything,” she informs him. “Let Salena and her people take care of it. It’s what they’ve been doing, right? Keeping an eye on things?”

“I’m not going to trust complete strangers with your life. Or our kids’ lives. I’m just not.”

“So you’re just going to find out who these people are and hunt them down one by one?”

“If I have to.”

“Tyler...no...just no. How is that even an option?”

“It’s the ONLY option.”

“The hell it is! Salena and her people are already on this!”

“And I already said I don’t trust them. Not with you, not with my kids. I trust myself. And a couple other people. That’s it. And I’m not going to just sit back and and wait for things to go to shit. I need to stop it before it happens.”

“You don’t know that anything is going to happen.”

“I’d rather not take the chance that it will.”

Sighing heavily, she crosses her arms over her chest.

“You trust me?” Tyler asks.

“Of course I trust you. You're the only person I do trust. But I also love you and I don’t want to just send you out there to  get killed. These are bad people. Extremely bad people.”

“I’m not some rookie going in blind,” he reminds her. “This is what I do. It’s who I am.”

“No. It’s part of who you are. There’s a difference.”

“And right now, I need to be that ‘part’. I need to be the old Tyler. And I need you to be okay with that. I’m not doing this because I want to. I’m doing it because I have to. You’re my wife. Those are my kids. And without any of you, I’m nothing. Which is why I need you to let me do this.”

Another sigh. Heavier this time. Resigned. “Can we at least give it two weeks? For the kids? Because we’re going away next week and then it’s Millie’s birthday shortly after. And we can not take that away from her. She’s a little girl. And she’s so happy and so excited and it’s going to break her heart enough when you leave and I’d rather her not find out until AFTER her party. Can you do that at least?”

He nods. “But if anything happens…”

“If anything happens then you go and take care of it. But for now can we just act like nothing’s going on? For them? Because they're kids and they don’t need to worry and stress over adult things. Can we just pretend around them that everything’s fine? Because it’s going to be hard enough when you leave without the anticipation of it hanging over their heads. Please? Can we do that?”

“Of course baby.”

He reaches out and takes hold of one of her hands, gently tugging her into him, placing her between his legs. And he presses a kiss to the inside of her wrist and then wraps both arms around her waist; pulling her tight against him, forehead resting against her chest. Eyes closing as he feels her hands on him. First in his hair. Fingers combing through it before her nails lightly scratch against the nape of his neck, then the tips running softly over the outer edges of his ears.  And when her palms come to rest against his cheeks, he looks up at her, attempting a reassuring smile when he finds those huge dark eyes filled with tears.

She’s silent as he watches her. Fingertips travelling over the older scars that mar his face; the one across the bridge of his nose, then the left side of his forehead, followed by the one alongside his left. Then she moves to the one that he’d sustained during the incident at Michael McMann’s house. Starting at the top of his right eyebrow;  spreading up onto his forehead and disappearing -for several inches-  into his scalp.

She kisses him. So soft and sweet sweet...the tenderness and the love so evident...that it takes his breath away and nearly brings tears to his eyes.

“I can’t lose you,” her voice is just above a whisper. “I just can’t.”

“You won’t,” he says. “I promise.”

She manages a small smile and places a kiss on his brow. And he tightens his hold on her; falling backwards onto the bed and tucking her securely into his chest; one hand on the back of her head, the other on the small of her back. Feeling her body trembling against him and the tears that dampen the front of his shirt.

****

She plays the part of a perfect hostess; bringing out carafes of coffee and tea and a jug of ice water, along with plates of various small desserts and finger foods.  Tyler had noticed the drastic change in her the moment she’d answered the door. Her usual flowing and brightly colored sundresses or tropical themed shorts and band t-shirts replaced with well tailored dress slacks and a crisp white blouse; her usual bare footed approach abandoned in favour of a pair of black heels. But her personality change is the most baffling.  No longer loud and boisterous and bordering on obnoxious, instead both soft AND well spoken. Now that  the truth is out -or at least part of it - she no longer has put on the front of the affable, annoying, and overly friendly new neighbour. Now she’s professional and courteous. Polite. And almost too apologetic. A continuous string of “I’m sorry” and “I wish things hadn’t come out this way”  as she led them out onto the back deck. Telling them help themselves to food and drink before disappearing back into the house.

“Is it just me or did things just go from weird to really fucking weird?” Esme whispers to him as they sit side by side; their knees touching and his hand on the small of her back.

It’s comforting. The simple brush of his body against hers and his familiar scent; filling her with a sense of security and effectively calming her nerves.  He won’t leave her side now, making sure she’s always close enough to touch, never out ear shot and certainly not out of eyesight. His protective nature kicked in high gear.  And for good reason.

“It’s not just you.”

“It’s like we’re living in the Twilight Zone,” she mutters, and then issues a long, shaky sigh.

“It’s okay,” he assures her, as he rubs the small of her back. “Everything’s going to be fine. The worst could have happened already. If she was working for the other side, she would have had guys here to ambush us the second we walked in.”

“How do you know they’re not hiding inside for the perfect moment?”

“Not a rookie, remember? You have to trust me,” he  presses a kiss to the side of her head. . “Just trust me.”

She manages a small smile and leans into him. A hand resting on his thigh   and his lips lingering against her temple; hand slipping off her hip and up onto her side, rubbing comfortingly. Selfishly he enjoys having this role in her life: the fierce and loyal protector. It’s an ego boost knowing that she has that much faith and trust in him.  And he knows he’s more than capable of living up to her expectations; confident in his strength, skills, and abilities.

“I promise none of it has been tampered with,” Salena comments upon her return, noticing that their cups remain empty and the food hasn’t been disturbed.  “As I said earlier, I’m not here to hurt either of you. Or your children.”

“So why are you here?” Esme asks, her hand slipping from Tyler’s thigh as he moves beside her; pouring himself a coffee and her a tea. “And why the big production? Why show up out of the blue and act as if you wanted to be friends? You could have  just been honest right off the hop. You think it would have bothered either of us? This isn’t the first time someone has threatened us in the past seven years.”

“I know it isn’t. I know everything there is to know about the two of you. About everything that went down in Dhaka; start to finish. And I know about your little return there. About Mumbai and Ireland and New Zealand. Information is easy to get when you know the right people.”

“And when you’re willing to pay big for it,” Tyler adds. “Something tells me Nik Khan helped you out quite a bit.”

“Nik and I have a very good working relationship, “ Salena admits, and Esme gives a derisive snort. “I don’t approve of her transgressions. Or attempts at them. But as far as business goes, she’s one the best there is. And we trust her completely.”

“Who is we?” Tyler inquires. “And who are you? Why don’t we just cut the shit and get down to it. You wanted us here to talk, so talk.”

“My name...my REAL name...is Allison Rav.”

“Rav?” Esme arches an eyebrow. “You’re related to Saju? How?”

“Related by marriage only. My husband...ex husband, I should say...is Saju’s youngest brother. Former special services as well. We parted on good terms and have remained friends. And business partners. After Saju died...correction, after he was murdered...Anil left the military and started things up; in Saju’s memory. A way of both honoring him and avenging him. This…” she lifts up one of the plates of food and removes a file folder -one of many- from underneath. “...is everything there is to know about it. About us. About who we are and what we do.”

She offers the file to Tyler and he accepts it; dropping it into the empty chair beside him.

“Are you a mercenary?” Esme asks, her body and nerves starting to relax; comforted by the mention of Saju’s name and the woman’s connection to him.

“Far from it,” Allison gives a dry laugh. “None of our people are. We strictly provide security. We’re trained to assess potential threats and stop them before they happen. But we do seek out mercenaries; when things because too volatile and need...permanent...results.”

“When you want guys like me to go in and put our asses on the line and get blood on our hands.” Tyler smirks.

“Our area of expertise and concern is providing support to those being harassed and threatened by the Mahajans and the Amir Asifs of the world. And there’s a lot of them. So when Neysa contacted us and said that she was receiving threats of bodily harm and death against her and her son, we didn’t hesitate to help. We have her and Aarav in hiding. A safe house just outside of Mumbai.”

“You really think that’s smart?” he asks. “Being that close to Mahajan and his people? Doesn’t leave much room for error. Why not move them somewhere further away? Other side of the world if you had to. Doesn’t make sense for them to be that close.”

“It’s what she requested; to be close to home. We move them when...and if...we have to. We ended up here..I ended up here...when Neysa ‘disappeared’ and Mahajan’s people lost track of her. That’s when he changed his game plan, so to speak. His first thought was that she came here. What better place to hide them with someone who could protect her and Aarav if need be? The person who worked with Saju to get Ovi out of Dhaka alive. What a turn of events THAT was. He was supposed to eliminate you and in the end you worked together. Not what Mahajan expected.”

Tyler gives a tense smile. “How about we NOT talk about Dhaka.”

“Fair enough,” Allison agrees, and pours herself a cup of coffee. “When he thought she’d come here, we were ready. We already had eyes and ears on the situation. He hadn’t sent anyone here or sent out any official threats, but we knew it was going to happen. So we acted first and got here as soon as we could. But things ARE picking up. He is escalating things. This is a man hell bent on revenge and will stop at nothing to get it.  You both know what these kinds of people are like. They don’t care if there’s a woman and children involved. They’ll be their first targets to get to who they really want.”

Esme issues a heavy, shaky sigh and Tyler gives her a small, reassuring smile; arm wrapping around her, palm softly and comfortingly rubbing her shoulder.  “It’s been seven years,” she says. “Why now? Why wait all this time? And why Tyler? Mahajan gave us his son. So Ovi could be safe and have a normal life. A real family. Why would he let us have him if this was his plan all along?”

“There’s two reasons,” Allison replies. “The first is that Saju failed his mission. Yes, he helped get Ovi out of Dhaka. But he didn’t eliminate everyone standing in his way. He wasn’t supposed to leave anyone alive. You two survived. And I understand why he didn’t kill you; he would never harm a woman in that way. I’m sure he looked at you and thought of Neysa and realized he couldn’t go through with it. But you…” she looks at Tyler. “...you put up one hell of a fight. He didn’t expect that.”

“What’s the second thing?” Tyler asks.

“Did Ovi tell either of you that his father has been in contact with him? On a regular basis?”

Tyler frowns. “What?”

“Even behind bars, Mahajan still holds a lot of influence and power in the drug world. He has a lot of money stashed away in several offshore accounts. Enormous amounts of money. He needs someone to run the business now that it’s booming again. And what better person to be his successor than his only son? But that kid is tough. Resilient. He isn’t giving in. He wants nothing to do with that kind of life and isn’t afraid to tell his father that. Which naturally has enraged Mahajan. He’s taken it as a sign of disrespect. Dishonour. And he’s not going to let that slide. He feels the only thing standing in Ovi’s way...preventing him from doing it...is the two of you. But especially you.” she nods in Tyler’s direction.  “He thinks Ovi is completely under your influence and is only saying no because of you.”

“I’m starting to finally see why he wants into the game so badly.” Tyler says to Esme. “It isn’t about the actual job or the money. It’s about being able to protect himself. And us if he has to.”

“That’s why he didn’t want to tell us,” she laments. “Or why he gave us such bullshit excuses. Because he knew he’d have to tell us that he’s been speaking to his father.”

Tyler nods.

“Mahajan wants the obstacle removed,” Allison continues. “He really just wants Tyler out of the picture; he’s the biggest hurdle and true threat. And it would be a way of righting Saju’s wrongs. That’s why we’re here. To prevent any of that from happening. We’re here to protect you. Not hurt you.”

“I’m more than capable of protecting my own family,” Tyler informs her. “I don’t trust just anyone with this. And I’m especially not going to trust you. You could have just told us all of this right from the beginning. Not put on some big, ridiculous show.”

“Neysa asked us to keep this quiet. She didn’t  want to scare either of you. Or your kids. And now that you’re getting back into the mercenary business, there’s an even bigger target on your back. Mahajan sees that as a direct threat.”

“He can take it whatever fucking way he wants. I don’t care if you and your people stay on the sidelines or keep in the background. But I’ll protect my own family. I’m more than capable of doing it and I know my wife and my kids trust me. They know I’ll keep them safe. Better than any of your people can.”

“He’s right,” Esme speaks up. “There’s no else I trust with my life. With my kids’ lives. And we’ve got people working for us that can always lend a hand if they need to. We don’t need perfect strangers fucking things up.”

“We’re highly trained,” Allison argues. “We’re more than capable of...”

“Tyler can do it. And that’s who I WANT doing it. I don’t care how highly trained you or your people are. No one can protect us the way he can. No one. And if that pisses you off and you pull your people out of here…”

“We’re not going anywhere. Neysa wants us here and this is where we’re saying.”

“I want to talk to your ex husband,” Tyler says. “There’s information I need. About who is working for Mahajan. Who these people are he has after us.”

“Anil expected you’d want to speak to him. That you would  have a lot of questions for him. All his contact information is in the first folder I gave you. There…” she pulls the other files from under the plate of food. “...are your files. Everything we have on the two of you. There’s also  a file about Dhaka and everything that went down there. And one with copies of all the threats that have been made so far. To Neysa and to you. I trust this information will be in good hands?”

Tyler nods and accepts the folders, placing them with the initial one she’d given him.

“We kept this secret because  that’s what Neysa wanted,” Allison explains. “She didn’t want to alarm anyone. So I HAD to put on a good show. I had to get myself into your life. I had to get close to all of you and get you to open up to me and tell me things. And I know that you know what that’s like, Esme. Having to lie to people; fool them. Having to trick them into giving you what you want.”

“And my brother?” she asks. “What about him? You used him to get to us? He broke up his engagement for you. And all along you were just using him? Why did you have to stoop THAT low?”

“We do what we have to to get what we want. Kyle has no clue about any of this. I’d like to keep it that way. Because he’s a good guy and there’s feelings...legitimate feelings...involved now. On both sides. It started out as part of the job, but it’s become more. So much more.”

“Yeah…” Esme smirks. “...sure it has. Can we go now?” she addresses Tyler. “I really want to go. I’ve heard enough and I just want to get the hell out of here.  I just want to go home.”

“We can go,” he confirms, and then gathers the folders off the chair and stands up. “I don’t want any of your people near my house,” he informs Allison. “I don’t want them watching me or my wife or my kids. Especially my kids. You tell them to back off. That I’m more than capable of protecting my own. Because if they get in the way and totally fuck things up? If that happens? You’ll end up a few employees short because I won’t hesitate taking them out too.”

Allison nods in confirmation, then stands as well. “We’ll continue to keep an eye on things. Just as Neysa asked. And if you need our help…”

A smirk tugs at the corners of his mouth, and he lays a protective hand on the small of his wife’s back. “I won’t.”

[fortunatelylori]

This is a long one: having read all of the sympathetic and convincing Sidney Parker posts here, I am wonder if you’re letting Sidney off a little too easily? It seems to me that no matter how much he may want to find love (as has been so eloquently argued here), he has not yet learned true selfless love imo. His half proposal is a point in case. Consider the comparison with Babbers.

Sidney: “What a brute I was… I hope that I am a different man now… If I have changed at all it is in no small part to you. I have never wanted to put myself in someone else’s power before. I have never wanted to care for anyone but myself.”Lord B: “My dear girl don’t you know that I am in love with you… It’s enough that you like me and that you trust me…I have no wish to own you…i want to make you happy. I could never try to lead or constrain you, Esther. All I ask is to walk through life by you

I know he was just getting warmed up, but Sidney’s expression of love is still very firmly about his own development and his own realisation, while Babs’s expression of love is very much about what he hopes to give, and what it means to love. Sidney’s growth arc is incomplete and he still hasn’t fully earned Charlotte, whom Rose Williams has made so generous, brave and loveable. You have already pointed out that this is the midway point in the story, and I completely agree.

But I would love to hear your thoughts on how this circle can be squared: Are we supposed to think that Sidney has done something noble by pimping himself out to Eliza Campion for the sake of his feckless brother and disappointing and destroying his own happiness and, more importantly by JA rules, that of a young inexperienced woman whom he has publicly shouted at, exposed himself to, felt up, kissed, and half proposed to?

Andrew Davies has put Sidney in a hell of a bind: If he breaks it off with Eliza now, he’s a dishonourable cad. If Eliza breaks it off with him, Charlotte looks like second prize to his first great love in the world’s eyes. If he marries Eliza and she dies and he runs back to Charlotte, how can we expect Char to enter that “river” again?

The only comparable situation in JA is Elinor Dashwood and Edward Ferrars, and Edward’s honour was completely intact throughout: his secret engagement occurred when he was young and naïve; he retreated from Elinor once he realised he loved her before more damage was done; he stuck by the loathsome Miss Steele once their engagement was public despite wanting Elinor; Miss Steele throws him over for his brother making clear that she was only ever interested in money and feelings were not at stake.

By contrast, Sidney has broken the heart of an intelligent and worthy young woman for a venal and loveless marriage, though the cynical “bargain” seems to be that he try to love Eliza. Ugh. Badly done, Sidney! How can we redeem Sidney to the point of making him worthy of St. Charlotte? How can he be extricated from this mess without losing his honour and without making Charlotte suffer any further?I would love to see Charlotte released from the passivity she has been forced into here.

She has been robbed of any agency after being established as an active character – a toiler and a spinner. Perhaps she will concoct a way to save Sidney’s soul behind the scenes, showing him in the process what true selfless love looks and feels like. I have a weird feeling that in one episode someone said something like “Men need to be helped without ever knowing they’re being helped…” or something similar. That’s coming back to me now – maybe that’s the only direction this can take:

Charlotte orchestrates Sidney’s rescue with the help of Lady S and the Prince Regent and then retreats back to Heraclitus and rabbit hunting in Willingden, where Sidney comes to find her. After a spot of grovelling and sexy scything in the fields to show that he is not just a dandy city boy but a man of substance, he will win back our Charlotte. Whew! sorry forth long one, had to get it off my chest. Now, about that GOT ending…

Hey there!

Whew … that was INTENSE! Lol … I hope you really meant it when you said you wanted my thoughts on this take because you’re going to get them and …. I don’t think you’re going to like them.

So here goes nothing … I’m going to break this down into topics because your messages covers a lot of ground.

Firstly, the issue of selfless love:

When I was much, much, MUCH younger that I am now, I watched a little movie called Love Story (1970). This film was essentially The Notebook of my mother’s generation. And the most famous line in that film is:

Jenny: Love means never having to say you're sorry

The main female character is standing in the freezing cold with no way to enter her apartment because her husband got pissed off at her and bolted. And that’s what comes out of her mouth … Because love is selfless, right? You don’t need to apologize for anything EVER because love means never having to say you’re sorry.

Let me tell you something: THAT IS COMPLETE AND UTTER BULLSHIT! Anyone who believes romantic love should be selfless needs to reevaluate. The belief in selfless romantic love will not help anyone find that kind of love (because it doesn’t exist). What it will do is that it will allow that person to be prayed on by fuck bois/fuck girls everywhere because you are going to continually excuse their behavior … because you have to love them unconditionally, right? WRONG!

Selfless love is acceptable only in a parent-child dynamic. That’s it! As Cersei would put it:

Cersei: On that front, a mother has no choice

Romantic love is very much conditional on treatment, involvement and attraction. When it isn’t, that’s fertile ground for abuse.

You think this is romantic?

Babington: My dear girl, don’t you know that I am in love with you?

Esther: And what is that to me since I do not love you?

Babington: I don’t care. It’s enough that you like me and that you trust me.

What happens six months down the line when Babs catches Esther having sex with Edward in their marital bed? Do you think he’s still not going to care she doesn’t love him back? What Babington is doing in his proposal is lying to himself. No person who has ever been in love ever genuinely does not care if the object of his affection loves him back. We all want to be loved back. We pretend we don’t because we’re so desperate to have that person that we think we’re able to live without it or, most likely, because we think we can talk them round into loving us.

To be clear, I don’t think Esther will cheat on Babington with Edward. But you can bet your bottom dollar Edward will be coming back into her life in season 2 and that she won’t be over him. Guess who will get his heart put through the ringer?

Sidney’s proposal, on the other hand, is very much how an adult should suggest a lifelong commitment to another adult.

Sidney: If I have changed at all, it’s in no small part down to you. I have never wanted to put myself in someone else’s power before. I’ve never wanted to care for anyone but myself.

In his speech what Sidney is laying out is the following: I am well aware I have issues and that we’ve clashed around those issues time and time again. I am committing myself to fixing them because you make me want to do better. I have trust issues but you make me want to hand you my heart because I know you won’t hurt me. I want to share my life with you and make your needs a priority in my life because you make me less selfish.

I’m sorry … but I’ll take Sidney’s proposal over Babington’s any day of the week because Sidney has a plan for our future (lol) while Babington knows I don’t love him but he is so blinded by infatuation that he can’t see he’s promising something he can’t deliver on … and most crucially no one should deliver on.  

Sidney’s growth arc is incomplete and he still hasn’t fully earned Charlotte, whom Rose Williams has made so generous, brave and loveable.

I agree that Sidney’s arc is incomplete but so is Charlotte’s. She’s not fully come into her own either and this isn’t a matter of one character being flawless while the other has to work his way to her perfection.

Sidney doesn’t need to earn Charlotte because Charlotte is not a possession, she’s a person and Sidney is not some lecherous monster that needs to go through the 7 circles of hell in order to “earn” anything. Sidney and Charlotte are two people that have had some conflicts but nothing truly disastrous (until Sidney proposes to Eliza, that is) and in which they both have had their share of blame. It’s not like Sidney has been the sole aggressor in all of this. Charlotte has insulted him and mocked him in an assortment of ways.

In the end they have chosen to put those differences aside and have come together with a new understanding of who the other person is. They’ve chosen to love each other and accept each other’s flaws. There is no discrepancy in worth between the two of them that needs to be addressed by Sidney.

What should happen in a potential season 2 is that he will need to rebuild Charlotte’s trust after breaking it with his engagement to Eliza. But that discussion is separate since his initial proposal comes before the Tom Parker realizes he doesn’t have insurance debacle.

Are we supposed to think that Sidney has done something noble by pimping himself out to Eliza Campion for the sake of his feckless brother and disappointing and destroying his own happiness and, more importantly by JA rules, that of a young inexperienced woman whom he has publicly shouted at, exposed himself to, felt up, kissed, and half proposed to?

I think what we’re supposed to take from Sidney’s decision to sacrifice his happiness to help his brother is that his “outlier” facade was just that … a façade. Beneath all that is a man who is willing to go to extremes for the people he cares about. I also think that it shows Sidney, despite his outward confidence, doesn’t really love himself that much.

You’re making the mistake of assuming Sidney’s decision to marry Eliza is a rejection of Charlotte. I wouldn’t blame Charlotte for thinking it but we have a 360 view of the story that she doesn’t have the luxury of having.

We know Sidney loves her. We know he is heartbroken at having to let her go. But he doesn’t want his brother to go to jail and he has only 1 week to figure out a way out of the hole Tom has dug himself into. I’m pretty sure Eliza was the last option on the list of things Sidney tried to do in order to help his brother.

As for your implication that Sidney somehow dishonored Charlotte, it’s pretty obvious from the tone of the show that the whole “there always has to be a chaperone” and “no kissing before marriage” etc. are not rules they are choosing to include in their version of the regency. Charlotte leaves Sanditon with her reputation intact. It is her heart that is broken and I’d be willing to bet that in Sidney’s mind, he has already convinced himself that she will recover very quickly while he will be in pain for the rest of his life. Because … as I’ve said … he doesn’t love himself enough to realize just how much Charlotte loves him.

If he breaks it off with Eliza now, he’s a dishonourable cad. If Eliza breaks it off with him, Charlotte looks like second prize to his first great love in the world’s eyes. If he marries Eliza and she dies and he runs back to Charlotte, how can we expect Char to enter that “river” again? The only comparable situation in JA is Elinor Dashwood and Edward Ferrars, and Edward’s honour was completely intact throughout

I’m not sure what your point is here? For starters, who cares what “the world” thinks? Charlotte will know that Sidney loves her and only her and that his engagement with Eliza was an act of desperation on his part. And so will we, the viewers, because and I quote:

Sidney: I don’t love her, you know.

Charlotte and Sidney’s situation is exactly the same as Eleanor and Edward’s, with the exception that Sidney didn’t flirt with Charlotte and almost proposed to her while being engaged to someone else the way Edward does.

And if we are going to take “the world’s” opinion into account, I’m pretty sure people very much speculated that Edward was nursing a broken heart over the woman for whom he risked everything, was disinherited and that abandoned him to marry his brother. After all why else would he retreat to the countryside and marry the almost old maid with no fortune, Eleanor Dashwood? See how you can spin anything into something negative if you want to?

How can we redeem Sidney to the point of making him worthy of St. Charlotte?

Sigh … Sidney has always been worthy of Charlotte. He is a good man ... with great AAAABBBSSSS. And while Charlotte getting her heart broken is deeply sad, I think it’s safe to say it’s Sidney that has gotten the truly shitty end of the stick. He has tied himself to a woman whom he does not love and who treats him like he’s her dog.

I don’t think people realize just how hopeless his situation is. It’s not like if he marries Eliza, he can get a divorce a few years down the line. He is stuck with the woman who betrayed him 10 years ago for the rest of his life. And he’s in this situation not even because of his own venal desires or greed. He’s in it to save his brother … a brother that will probably ruin himself regardless. That kind of thing eats at a person.

Charlotte’s state, on the other hand, is not permanent. I’m not trying to minimize her pain. Heartbreak is horrible and deeply traumatizing. But as everyone who has gone through it can tell you, it eventually goes away. You recover, you move on.

I don’t think she will need to go through the entire letting go process because she and Sidney will be reunited and everything will work out for the best but if she had to, she would go through it and come out the other side even stronger than she is now.

I would love to see Charlotte released from the passivity she has been forced into here. She has been robbed of any agency after being established as an active character – a toiler and a spinner. Perhaps she will concoct a way to save Sidney’s soul behind the scenes, showing him in the process what true selfless love looks and feels like.

See … this is confusing to me. On the one hand you think Sidney isn’t worthy of Charlotte, on the other you want her to save him. I would suggest it’s not Charlotte’s job to extract Sidney from the shitty situation he’s in. He has to do that for himself.

As for Charlotte being robbed of agency … what’s that even based on? What was she supposed to do in that situation? It’s not like there’s 80.000 pounds hidden under the Heywood family tree that Lassie can dig up …

After a spot of grovelling and sexy scything in the fields to show that he is not just a dandy city boy but a man of substance, he will win back our Charlotte

And this is the part where you truly lost me … As a born and bred city girl, with a generational line of city dwellers dating back centuries, I will have you know I have SUBSTANCE, ok?!?! I have many, many substances … I’m oh so substantiated and stuff.

All joking aside, why does Sidney need to prove that he is a man of substance? What the hell has he done to make anyone assume he isn’t?

I guess in the end our conflicting views come from our perceptions of Sidney as a person. I don’t think Sidney is a bad boy that needs to be redeemed through his love for Charlotte. I think he has always been a good man who is trying to do his best for those around him, who has had to deal with some pretty shitty situations in his life and who is involved in at least one toxic relationship (with his brother). In addition to that, he has a self-destructive streak (people who get dumped don’t necessarily react to it by setting fire to their whole lives and almost dying in the process) which makes it easy for him to prioritize Tom’s well-fare over his own life.

The reason why he falls so deeply in love with Charlotte is because she offers him a real chance of breaking out of those patterns and being able to be seen and loved for who he is. The problem is that toxic past relationships are still very much encroaching on his ability to move on with his life in a healthy way.

In order to break free, what Sidney needs isn’t to be saved. What he needs is to put a stop to the negative patterns that exist at the core of his relationship with Tom (and Mary by extension) and to put the whole Eliza relationship to rest.  

[anerbananers]

Listen, I don’t care

idc who you stan, who you hate, if you ship them or don’t whatever. You don’t have to ship them to understand this. I only appreciate them as rivals and this is hitting me in the face and making me FEEL things y’all. 

the writing of the scenes in episode 23 and just izuku and katsuki’s relationship in general is INCREDIBLY nuanced, complex, and well done! A lot of rivalries in shonen are shallow in comparison to this.

Remember this is targeted at young boys! It’s SUPER important to show them what an inferiority complex looks like, what imposter syndrome looks like. How someone can be a GOOD PERSON and still do BAD THINGS. How not to let people walk all over you. Both of these boys cry and you SEE their tears, feel their emotions. And the mentors in their lives are also there to guide them too. For young boys to see this, I think, is important. This isn’t JUST about jealousy. IJS, this is some grown shit. ADULTS IRL struggle with this. Like, Bakugou’s entire perception of Izu is warped by his insecurity. This shows how intentions and perceptions can be so WAY off. Why communication is important.

And what I love is that Horikoshi makes sure you KNOW the adults and teachers know they have a part to play in this. And it’s a theme of the story that the adults have created some hefty issues here and even if they didn’t start this, they have to take responsibility and properly guide these kids. Not just between these two boys, but in general, culturally. When you have a hero system that has emphasized might over rescue this whole time, it creates this kind of confusion! At this point in the story the hero franchise (b/c it’s a business really) is changing it’s model due to All Might’s retirement.

THAT’S WHY THE HEAVIEST HITTERS FAILED THE FREAKIN’ TEST.

Even the teachers were surprised by this change in approach. They hadn’t exactly prepped their students for this kind of thinking.

Honestly it’s a good change, but of COURSE it trips up kids like Bakugou who only emulated what he saw. Katuski, who you KNOW is smart enough to understand how the system works even as a preteen and study it to the letter. Look at it like this:

All Might saves people because he’s STRONG. He’s fast, he’s overwhelming and in PHYSICAL top shape. All Might has the ability to rescue because he wins first, because he knocks the villains out and then even if he has to flee the scene (because he’s on borrowed time), OTHER heroes can come to help civilians.  But the main thing is he can beat anyone, and that fact ALONE has deterred villains from even TRYING shit until now. His charisma is a bonus, but his incredible power kept shit locked tf DOWN this entire time.

A lot of heroes rescue just fine. But only All Might is able to have such a lasting heroic influence. And his strength and power is the key difference. He’s not just GOOD, he’s the BEST. He’s not just the BEST, he outpaces the #2 hero by leaps and bounds. His strength comes from his heart, ofc, and WE know that, but Bakugou has no way of knowing that. He doesn’t understand how OFA even works. 

The way Bakugou does this is brash, ofc, but he’s questioning what he believes. He’s asking WHY? He’s even asking Izuku because he doesn’t know who else, and tbh in all his anger still has to swallow a lot of pride to do so.

The guilt. Wow. The way that scene was done. *chef kiss* Sometimes when you’re a high achiever and do well in most things, nobody wonders if you need help or support or to get out of your own head. Nobody even thought that Bakugou was blaming himself because he gives off such a strong and assured aura. Which is crazy cuz for me I was like UMMM HELLO? CHECK ON HIM?? 

“I’m weak too, you know.”

SO IMPORTANT. Not only that Katsuki said that, but that he said it to two people I think everyone can agree he’d NEVER want to know this ideally. But he’s just at that point where his emotions are spilling over. He needs help. That’s how he’s asking for help. I was dying man. So beautiful seeing All Might embrace him and understand exactly what he needed to do. Fuck the secret. Explain so this child can be at peace on this! Too much to carry alone! For each and any one of them.

If you narrow Bakugou Katsuki and Izuku Midoriya down to “a bully and his victim” you are missing out.

this post is long because I got in my feelings. Just had to write a thesis paper. LOL. More under the cut! 

I was a victim of bullying. Many times in my life. I’m small, I’m intellectual, I was social and made friends easily but I also didn’t like cliques and some other girls didn’t like that I just hung out with EVERYONE. Some boys did the “i tease you because i like you thing”. Either way, I’ve reconciled with 2 of my bullies in the course of my life. I know a thing or two about how and why bullies do what they do. And this was when I was in elementary school, so I’m telling you also that when you’re super young it’s a bit...different in your mind as you get older. This isn’t to excuse Katsuki’s actions, so let me stop you. But there is a very key difference in behavior between a typical bully and what happened with these two boys.

10/10 times, I was steering clear of my bullies. Even the ones within my friend groups that would start to do the mean girl kinda bullshit. I’d keep interaction with them to a minimum. Even when I wanted to be pretty and cool like them, I was meek and fearful in the way I interacted with them. I’d engage the other girls first and keep my head down. My bullies would approach or interact with ME, clearly seeking to gas themselves up by putting me down or bothering me. I mean, I’m sure others have experiences more similar to our boys here so maybe I’m full of shit, but the complexity with Izu and Kat is that Izuku kept approaching Bakugou with a smile and a laugh, no matter what Bakugo did. This does happen in actual abusive relationships, but for kids and not adults, and I think some folks aren’t seeing the difference. This isn’t like, weird gaslighting and manipulation. Bakugou doesn’t act like a bitch and then turn around and be all sweet on Deku to keep him closeby. Bakugou legitimately wanted Deku to go away, and when he doesn’t Bakugou, in his wild paranoia is like “what does this MEAN???” He attached a meaning to it that was completey WRONG of course, because that’s how anxiety and insecurity work. Now Izuku being the natural beautiful bean boy that is perfect for heroism, is right to do this. He somehow, even so young, could understand that sometimes people need to be saved from themselves. I’m so positive of this. And that ability frightened bakugou so much. In his eyes, he’s being tormented by this kid who sees RIGHT through him and won’t go away. Izuku represents his fear in living breathing form. Every time he sees him, it’s like an irrational reaction. In Bakugou’s eyes Izu might as well have been walking around yelling “KACCHAN IS AFRAID!!!” In his desperation not to be exposed for the insecure and fearful child he should’ve been taught is okay to be, Bakugou decides to be the absolute worst in hopes that Deku leaves him alone. As he’s doing this though, he’s getting positive reinforcement from those around him, which just solidifies this personality trait as a good thing. It’s just a mess!

Again, not condoning, I’m always just amazed at the nuances here. Bakugou was and in some ways still IS a bully (at this point in the anime at least. but in the manga currently i wouldn’t call him this anymore. grumpy? rude? yes. but honestly harmless. the class cares for him and he and izu are civil now)  but also it was Deku’s choice to stick with him. He saw that Bakugou could be better and didn’t give up on him. THAT is a hero. And I think everyone is unanimous on that, and that’s why it bother’s me that people are so divided on Bakugou. I trust Izu’s judgement tbh, more than All Might’s. And both of them, Aizawa too, see that Katsuki can be better, and that he’s TRYING. and that he is willing to change because he legit WANTS to be someone All Might would choose. He’s asking Deku so many questions not just because he’s confused, but because he wants to know so he can do what HE needs to do to match up and make his idol proud.

People love a work in progress. I love how the top dog in a lot of ways is the underdog here. I love that Deku GETS it. That to others he may seem crazy. Who chases after their bully? Who admires someone who said disgusting and hurtful things to them? It’s not stockholm lol. There’s a lot to unpack there but I’m telling you, this is some real shit. It’s well written af! Heroism isn’t about being perfect and wonderful and kind all the time. All Might thinks Bakugou is an earnest kid who can be an excellent hero and just needs some work! Who doesn’t? You do! I do! You are not perfect either. A lot of fans of the series see that patience and they support not just our bright and shining Izu, but also the glowering and loud Katsuki who is growing mentally right now. I think it’s fine if his behaviour just makes you so uncomfortable and brings up bad memories. You can absolutely dislike him, it’s not for everybody! But hopefully you can objectively see why they WILL team up and be a team and the story is supporting that growth. I hope you are not disgusted by it or think it’s lazy writing just because it’s not your cup. Let these kids develop and grow and change! Step out of trope and archetype city and just feel this story arc for the realistic mirror of human nature that it is. Either way it’s a fabulous ride!

[amberandmetal]

So I relly just need to vent and I can't think of a better place than here. I know I have been awol for some time and the reason for that is.. because I started doing better. Fandom is my safety net, that warm dark room full of soft pillows that I can go to when everything else hurts. And 2016-2017 and almost half of 2018 I had need of that room but then something happened and I started to get better. I have no clue how but I did. And everything was almost good for a while but then- then my grandfather died nearly 2 weeks after my birthday, a man I saw as a father (a lot in thanks to my biological father being an abusive alcoholic asshole) and whom I loved an respected deeply. Around the same time I found out my father has cancer, have had for a year and not told me. A month later my other grandfather died. Just in time for x-mas and yule. I also suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder and wintertime, especially Jan-feb are always terrible months for me. Especially because my Grandmother died during that time and she was more dear to me than anyone before or after. She was the only one who always loved me through everything and never doubted me, who believed there was nothing wrong with me (even when I started slicing and dicing my own limbs and started wearing negligés as dresses- yeah, it was a weird time in my life) who said I was just different.

So now they are all gone, all my grandparents, and those of you who have gone through that know that it comes with a certain loss of innocence. Suddenly you're nobody's little one anymore and adulthood kinda hits you in the face with a shovel.

Last autumn, ca one year ago, I finally got the correct diagnosis after had to dealt with psychologists and doctors for seventeen years. I have autism. Which yeah, it totally explains everything pretty well. At first I was relieved because finally I knew what was going on with me and why I felt like an alien who could not connect with another human being, and it sort of gave me this free pass on being as weird as i felt like because suddenly I had permission, suddenly it was okay.

In hindsight I think it's fairly obvious I overcompensated quite a lot. I remember being furious with other "aspies" who talked about it like it was a curse and decided to not have kids because they didn't want to pass on the gene. I said things like "well if somebody gave me the choice: aspie or NT, I would choose autism every day of the week" ...What complete bullshit.

See that's the third..fourth?.. thing that has broken lately. The autism bubble. It's been wearing on me and suddenly I can't really manage the weight anymore. I don't like it; I am not grateful for it; I would not choose it had I a choice.

What happened is that I have started to realise that this is permanent. And that.. yeah. Imagine that you get sick when youre eleven. You can't explain it but you're sad most of the time and even though you've had bad untreated anxiety since you were four it's not the same. You're worried and anxious, sad and you start to see things in the corner of your eye. This is the starting point of a decade of doctor visits, psychologists, selfharm, psychosis, medications (I was up to 30 pills a day at one point), ambulance trips to the emergency room, blacking out for hours, having to move to a home for girls because your parents can't handle you anymore etc. Now imagine that through all this you never stop fighting, you cry and you scream and you fucking ache but you carry on because you refuse to be beaten by this, because if you just push a little bit more you will be okay; you can be cured, you can beat this. Only to find out seventeen years later that you won't, will never be free from this, from how your own mind turns on you and drags you down into insanity on a regular basis. That is a pretty hard thing to come to terms with. Not to mention having to accept the fact that you will have to explain yourself your entire life (becayse most people with asperger are NT passing), seeing the dissapointment in people's faces when you don't measure up and aren't able to perform as well in society as your NT peers. The constant shame and guilt in having to ask for special treatment.

Not all people with autism are the same, some, like my boyfriend, have the "luxury" of silent minds- this not to say that they don't have problems, life is pretty fucking difficult for them too but for other reasons. My mind however screams. Constantly. It keeps me from being able to fall asleep. I got sleep medication the first time when I was 6 months. And I am so so tired. My mind feels like an enormous room with that churchy acoustic and it is crammed with people who all try to talk at the same time and raise their voices to be heard over the others and it all just turns into a cacophonous mess of chaos. Sometimes I straight out scream because my mind races away with me and gets too loud too fast and I can't take it anymore.

So trying to come to terms with that that particular phenomenon is permanent, chronic? Yeah I am not doing well with that. I can't see how I can live my life with a brain like this and ever be happy. I am going to try, and I am going to fight tooth and nail to get there, even if it's not even a possibility. I can't give up; if I do I am done.

Lately I don't recognize myself and I am just tethering on the edge. You know that Bruce Banner quote "I'm raw, like an exposed nerve" yeah, that. All day, every day. The panic attacks have returned and I haven't had a problem with that in years. I feel skinless and it is a terrifying feeling.

The thing I wanted to say was.. is.. that this is basically me coming back to the soft dark room with lots of pillows. Because fandom is where I can distract myself and tumble into fanfiction and art, using that autistic hyperfocus on something beside myself for a little while; and even though the reason behind me being back is less than positive I have still missed it. I didn't have a lot of people to talk to here before I left, I didn't have a lot of people who wanted to read my fanfiction either, but I hope some of you remember me even though I changed my url from Waywardkitten (I just needed a change).

I just needed to vent, I just needed to open up and see what would pour out and this is a safe place for me and I hope you don't mind. I will try to tag this with apropriate trigger warnings but if I missed anything please let me know and I will rectify that immediately.

I've missed you guys, lots of love. xo.

[theonceoverthinker]

OUAT 3X18 - Bleeding Through

If you don’t like Cora, then I’d recommend you EVA-cuate before this review begins!

...Fuck what you say! I’m proud of that one!

Anyway, the review is under the cut!

Press Release

After Zelena steals Regina’s heart, Regina casts a spell so that she can speak across the realms to her dead mother, Cora, to discover the truth about why she abandoned Zelena, and Belle stumbles across what Zelena’s ultimate end game is. Meanwhile, in the Fairy Tale Land that was, young Cora is duped by a man claiming to be a prince and finds herself alone and pregnant. But a chance meeting with a real prince could lead Cora to the royal life she’s always craved, but she must keep her pregnancy a secret or risk losing everything.

Main Thoughts - Characters/Stories/Themes and Their Effectiveness

Past

The Cora insight in this episode is so great. Like we really see how a woman with ambitions of royalty, but still a level head becomes someone so driven like the Cora who abused Regina so she’d become royalty. ”Revenge is a long-term plan.” I like how even in an episode that is more-or-less leaning towards sympathizing with Cora, there are nuggets of her darker side wedged in there. It really helps balance the story and remind the audience that yeah, this is Cora. There was always that darkness to her, even while she still had her heart.

Everything in this flashback also completely recontextualizes what happened with her and Regina and Daniel’s relationship. Like, of course a love with a commoner would leave Cora just a bit apprehensive. That’s not to excuse her for SHIT, but I do this it’s important to point out nonetheless.

Present

It’s weird that we don’t really reach the meat of this story until the halfway mark. Everything beforehand is more setup than anything and it’s unlike most every other episode in that regard. The closest comparison that I can think of is “Coming Home” which spent its last fifteen minutes as an epilogue.

I compared the Regina/Zelena/Cora conflict to the Snow/Regina/Cora conflict in the past, and I guess now’s as good of a time as any to unpack that. Just like how Snow did something that hurt Regina without meaning to at all, so did Regina to Zelena. Both Snow and Regina in their respective situations were innocents and so were Regina and Zelena victims of Cora. So, is there a point to pointing this out rather than to just say that it exists? Well, I think the latter instance shows the only good way that a complicated issue like this can be resolved: communication and understanding. Snow and Regina grasp this about each other and finally, this is where the bulk of their issues are put to bed. While Snow’s divulgence of her secret comes out, it’s going forward played for laughs in the instance of a corrupted state or as a “what if.”

But ANYWAY, that aside, the Snow/Regina dynamics sits at the heart of the present segment’s story. It’s hinted at early on and blossoms from the end of the failed seance onward. Snow’s apologies to Regina throughout the episode allows for these two women to finally confront the complicated nature of their run-ins with Cora. Cora was a bad person who in the end, got what she deserved, but the mess she left behind wasn’t deserved by those with whom she left it.

All Encompassing

THAT ALL HAVING BEEN SAID, ”She didn’t want to give up Zelena. She was forced to by my mother.” Everything Snow recounts about her possession is utter BULLSHIT and makes me think she has no comprehension skills! To put it bluntly, that aspect of the ending fucking sucks! This would be one thing if this were a few episodes ago, but she’s contradicting things that have and will be in mere minutes literally clarified. Cora DID willingly give up Zelena and all Eva had to do with it was making sure Leopold wasn’t swept up by it. THAT is why “My best chance” is the swerve of a line that it is, because it’s a mother giving up her child to die in the woods with absolutely no remorse! Because of all that, the moment where Snow “exposits” about the present ends up as the weirdest story hole that paints everyone involved in such an unnecessarily weird light. This is either the result of the writers not communicating with each other about the framing or the framing being flat-out wrong. Like, they’re trying to make this a more complicated issue, but are going in the reverse order of things! How did they fuck this moment up so badly?! If they wanted to do that, Eva should’ve been shown in the episode to be a lot more malicious than she was instead of exposing a liar. The actions should’ve been worse, but I’m more on Eva’s side than Cora’s. OR FUCK! LEOPOLD has a giant ass hatedom and he was the one who proposed to someone he was roughly four times older than! Make HIM the baddie! Have him outright reject her for the pregnancy and kick her out, no lie attached. That way, you get to keep the message the same, but give that assholery to someone who deserves it. Just...this element that makes up the moral center of the story is utter GARBAGE here, and it’s so sad given how well set up everything else was. Eva’s move was only douchey if you remove the fact that Cora was keeping such a big secret!

Insights - Stream of Consciousness

-”Red apples are so sickly sweet. Don’t you agree?”That must be an Enchanted Forest thing, because not in our realm, or at least not compared to Granny Smiths!

-Okay, Zelena’s plan to get Regina’s heart was sinister and ingenious as fuck!

-The way Roland just drops the firewood in his hands upon seeing Rumple is so fucking adorable! #bestcharacter

-Aww! Regina’s first thought when she loses her heart is to ask if anyone was hurt!! <3

-I love the background music in the flashback’s first scene. It’s so bouncy and peppy and just makes me smile!

-Jonathan’s such a sneaky asshole-ish fuck. He has his seduction of Cora down to a freakin’ science!

-”I’ll turn this ring into gold.” Bitch, she’ll do it herself!

-”Can you please tell your mother that we’re not naming your brother Leopold?” Yes! Please don’t!

-”Eva might not work for a boy.” Edwin?

-The Dark Vortex is hands down the silliest thing this show has ever done and I kind of love it.

-”Oh don’t be jealous.” ...This line was said from Zelena to one of her monkeys. Do her monkeys have crushes on her?

-I like the explanation for why they don’t use the seance more. I am curious though, do you think people who have moved on can be communicated with? Like, if Neal were killed with an actual weapon and Zelena were present for it, would he have been able to be summoned?

-FUCK YOU, JONATHAN!

-”Good luck finding me.” Why? You’re a gardener. You’re pretty easy to find. ...Okay, so you’re just gonna run away from your job? ...You are such a loser.

-Hey! Pre-scummy Leopold! Decent to see you!

-Jeez. Hearing Emma talk about how powerful her magic is hurts! Damnit!

-”I’m not in the mood for a heart-to-heart.” “I’m not sure that’s physically possible right now.” XD That’s an underrated joke and Regina’s chuckle was well earned!

-”You can help with the teacups.” Why is it that teacups are this show’s equivalent of being soft and cute?!

-I love how you can see how freakin’ amazed young Leopold is when Cora takes his knife to make the fire.

-The way Emma says “Boom!” is sooooo cute! She’s so excited and I want that as my fucking text tone! <3

-...I love how Belle for once gets to interrupt someone at Granny’s. This is ending up as the best Belle episode ever and she’s not even the main!

-”You should have a woman dress you more often.” I can’t say that I disagree.

-”Why a heart? Why courage? Why a brain?” Do you think Zelena knows that there’s not only a book series, but a classic movie based around these things?!

-”My son is not lost. He’s dead.” Don’t remind me!

-Haunted house! Why are there so many Halloween episodes that have fuck all to do with Halloween?!

-I love how the possession blends into the next flashback scene! That was COOL storytelling!

-...I know Rumple’s playing her, but damnit, the dude’s dashing as fuck. If I were Zelena, I’d have fallen for him too.

-Damn! Zelena’s touch starved! Have a listen to those gasps!

-”And he said I have a tough placenta, which somehow came out creepy.” Yup, that’s Whale for you.

Arcs - How Are These Storylines Progressing?

The Wicked Witch - So we now have Zelena’s plan and I while I stand by what I said in my “It’s Not Easy Being Green” review in saying that it’s kind of pointless going back in time when Cora only wants a child that will grow up to be royalty, the process of how she time travels is nonetheless a good one and Zelena’s the kind of character who is both cocky and talented enough to make it happen.

Regina’s Redemption - We get so much of Regina’s Redemption in this episode and once again, it’s all just spectacular! “If she wants to kill you, she’s gonna have to go through me.” Like, Regina’s not only defending someone who she used to HATE, BUT is freely standing up to her mother. That’s so impressive!

Killian’s Redemption - I think it’s a big show of how much Killian has grown as a character that while not romantically pursuing Emma, he’s still doing everything he can to help the cause while he comes up with another plan. He’s definitely in a complicated spot here and not telling Emma is definitely a mistake, but for his current situation, he’s doing what he can to ensure everyone’s safety.

Rumple’s Redemption - Rumple made a really impressive stride here. Just as much as Rumple mourns for Bae’s loss, he wants to honor the sacrifice he made and thus refuses to resurrect him at the cost of invalidating that sacrifice. Look, Rumple has a tendency to put his needs above others, but with Bae, he will never do that again.

Favorite Dynamic

Belle and Regina. Let’s talk about that apology scene and how good it is. I like how at the start of it, Regina does what she did with the Lost Boys and points how how them working together could benefit them both, but upon seeing that that won’t work (Or that it will, but Belle deserves better), she gives a real apology. And I like how Belle, while working with her, doesn’t necessarily accept it. It’s also a good moment in that it gives Belle a voice as she gets to react to things and get angry, and as Belle isn’t often granted that by the writing staff, I think it’s something that makes those moments stick out more.

Writer

Jane Espenson and Daniel Thomsen finish out their work for the season here, and they were doing such a good job...but then they fucked it up! Like, the mistake was easy to fix. Either make Eva do something FAR more villainous than convince Leo to test Cora or axe the “my mom was evil too” angle. But by not going all in on one or the other, you lose the center of your story, and that’s exactly what happened here.

Rating

8/10. Not gonna lie. That 8 comes solely from the ending resolution on Eva and Cora. That lack of understanding of what your own narrative was saying is so shocking and appalling to me that I had to take off more than just one point for it. The rest of the story -- both of them -- are so good. How did they not stick the landing? I feel like they were trying so hard to make Cora more complicated that they neglected Eva in the process.

Flip My Ship - The Home of All Things “Shippy Goodness”

Captain Swan - This is such a weird moment to love as a CS fan, but I still do. Emma’s finally opening up herself more to Killian and Killian can’t do the same, but Emma’s still trying and she’s trying fairly hard! Also, I want to know how that conversation would’ve gone had Belle not stepped in! Would Emma have gotten the truth out of Killian? Would there have been cuddles? It’s anyone’s guess!

Golden Heart - Just gonna point out that when Cora finally showed up, it was in by a spinning wheel of all things!

Outlaw Queen - I like the present buildup to Robin and Regina getting together. Regina’s softness and understanding of them being soulmates on top of their chemistry really helped the expedition of their romance work. Robin’s subdued presence alongside Regina and Snow’s conversation about her resilient heart really helped their kiss come together.

-----

Hey guys!! Thank you all for reading and to those fine and fabulous folks at @watchingfairytales for birthing this project! Also tagging the marvelous @daensarah by request! Love you all and I’ll see you all next time!

Season 3 Total (169/220)

Writer’s Scores: Adam and Eddy (39/60) Kalinda Vazquez (26/40) Andrew Chambliss (34/50) Jane Espenson (28/30)* David Goodman (29/40) Robert Hull (30/40) Christine Boylan (20/20)* Daniel Thomsen (28/30)*

* Indicates that their work for the season is complete

Links to the rest of my rewatch will no longer be provided. They take posts with links outside of searches and I spend way too much time on these reviews to not give them that kind of exposure. Sorry for the inconvenience, but they still can be found on my page under Operation Rewatch.

[jodiereedus22]

Runaways

Request: Could you do a request for me? I don’t know if you write smut or not but something with Daryl pre-apocalypse with a character named Gray (a girl) where she and Daryl have run off together away from their abusive homes and can finally be alone and manage to steal some money to get married and have a honeymoon :)

Daryl x OC

A/N: I was a bit nervous about this one, it was my first time writing Daryl out of the walking dead universe, so I hope that I did it justice!

Please send in some requests if you have any!!!!

Trigger Warning: Mention of Abuse

Word Count: 3204 (got a bit carried away)

Daryl and Gray were like two peas in a pod. Both have been stuck in the same hick town their entire lives, both working dead-end jobs, but the thing that bound the two of them together more than anything else was that they were both abused by their parents. The only difference is that her parents were well off, she had a nice home her parents had good jobs and plenty of money.

There wasn’t a day that went by that Gray wasn’t attacked by her folks. Almost every day her parents would ask her for money, so they didn’t have to take it out of their own bank accounts, she knew exactly where that money was going. If she gave them the money they would get their drugs or drink, she still didn’t know how they managed to hide who they really were from the world, and sooner or later she would have a new bruise to add to her collection, if she didn’t give them the money, the same bad result.

Gray was starting to think that this would be her life. But under that awful life, she was living was her saving grace, Daryl Dixon.

Everyone knew the Dixons, but no one knew Daryl like Gray.

The first time they met had really been a coincidence. It had been a particularly bad day for Gray, she was sporting pretty bad bruises on her ribs and had to get out of the house before they killed her.

Although the town she lived in didn’t have much to offer in terms of things do to, it was a very beautiful place. So Gray took a ride to the outskirts of town to a lake, somewhere she had always found solitude, somewhere that was safe.

On this one particular day, while Gray was sitting on a rock beside the lake with her feet dangling in the cool refreshing water, a man wandered into the clearing with blood running down his nose, headed for the lake to clean himself up.

He hadn’t noticed Gray sitting there until she spoke.

“It's Daryl, right?”, Gray asked knowing the answer anyway.

Daryl looked up shocked that someone else was there, no one ever came there, it was too remote.

“Err… Yh”, Daryl said looking around, there was no way a girl like Gray was here by herself.

“Are you okay?”, she asked while Daryl was still surveying the area.

“Huh?”, Daryl didn’t really understand the question until she pointed to his face.

“Oh, err, Yh I’m good”, Daryl felt exposed and uncomfortable with Gray looking at him.

“You get them often?”, she asked, but seeing him tense at the question she started to regret asking him, but before she could retract her question Daryl spoke up.

“Yh it’s nothing, used to ‘em”, Gray felt in twinge in her heart when he said that.

Everyone knew the story of the Dixons and she knew that the bloody nose didn’t come from a normal bar fight but from his father, but she wasn’t going to say anything, it was none of her business.

“Well I’ll leave you in peace,” Gray said but as she went to stand up her ribs twinged with pain causing her to double over and hiss in pain.

“Hey, you alright?” Daryl asked slowly making his way over to help her.

Gray put her hand up to stop him coming any further.

“Yh, I’m fine, fell out of bed is all, hurt my ribs but I’ll be fine, thanks.”

Daryl knew that excuse was bullshit, he knew because he would try to pass those kinds of excuses for himself at work. But Daryl knew it wasn’t his place to say anything.

“You need any help?” he asked, taking Gray a bit of guard.

Dixons didn’t care about anyone but themselves, but maybe this one was different.

“Nah I’m good”, Gray said as she walked to the edge of the rock trying to ready herself for the pain for when she jumped down.

But before she could move Daryl was already there.

“Here,” he said as he reached out a hand to help her down.

Gray took his hand and leaned all her weight on him to reduce the amount of pain. She got down with the help of Daryl but the sleeve on Gray’s shirt rode up and he could see bruising on her wrist. He knew something was going on, he also knew she wouldn’t tell.

“Thank you,” Gray said giving Daryl a small smile as she walked off towards her car and drove off leaving Daryl standing there not knowing what to do.

Daryl figured that if he was right and someone at home was hurting her that maybe this place was a place she came to often to get away. So, every day at around the same time, he waited for her to come by, but for almost a week she never did.

Gray couldn’t decide whether she should go back there or not. She was scared of him asking questions, she was also scared of what she might tell him. But after almost a week her mind was made up for her when her parents got in a screaming match, she was determined not to be in the middle again so got out of the house as quickly as possible, back to the lake.

As she walked over to the lake she saw the one person she didn’t want to see or did she, she couldn’t decide. Daryl was sitting on the same rock she was sat on the first time they met.

“Hey,” Gray called out to Daryl, who turned around and gave Gray a small smile.

“Hey,” was all he said back.

“You mind if I...” Gray said pointing next to him on the rock.

“Sure,” Daryl said and scooched over, so she could sit next to him.

They sat there in silence for a while until they started asking questions about each other. They talked, and they talked getting to know each other.

This happened every day for months, at the same time every day they would meet at the lake, they would bring beer and food, and they would talk.

But there was something else there that they both felt but wasn’t quite sure what it was. Daryl and Gray knew each other better than anyone else in their lives, they had a connection, a bond, something that no one else had.

One day on a hot Georgia afternoon, with a blanket laid on the grass with food and drinks they finally realized the connection they had.

After a few drinks, Daryl looked at Gray.

“Why are you still here?” Daryl asked.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re not like me, you have money, why do you stay here, with them?”, Daryl didn’t understand why she would stay with her parents who beat her when she had the means to get away from it all.

“I don’t know, they’re my parents, they’re family. I guess I was always too scared to leave.” Gray didn’t really understand herself why she stayed. But at that moment Daryl understood, with everything that had happened to him, he didn’t think he could leave his brother.

“There may be another reason, but it’s a more recent reason,” Gray added looking over at Daryl with a smirk.

“What’s that?”, Daryl not really picking up what she meant.

“You dumbass, coming here with you to the lake every day has given me solace, a reason for staying.”

You took the initiative and leaned in closer to Daryl placed a soft kiss on his lips. Daryl a bit tentative at first soon got into it as he placed one hand on her face and another around her waist as he deepened the kiss.

Every day from that day the meetups weren’t just about drinking and talking but also a lot of making out. Daryl and Gray had fallen head over heels in love with each other, and this was the only place where they could be themselves.

One day Gray was by the lake waiting for Daryl to arrive, she thought it was a bit weird as normally Daryl was there waiting for her, but she waited and waited and still no sign. The sun was setting, and it was getting dark, so she had to leave and headed home.

The next day was the same, no sign of Daryl. Gray was starting to lose hope, that maybe he had lost interest, that maybe he didn’t love her like she loved him. But she waited for him nonetheless.

Sitting there on her own contemplating her life she heard an engine of a motorbike roar through the silence.

She turned around to see Daryl with a backpack heading with a fast pace straight for her.

He didn’t even stop when he crashed his lips onto hers with passion.

“I’m so sorry I haven’t been here, please forgive me!”, Daryl said as he pulled away keeping his forehead on hers.

“What the hell happened”, she demanded an answer, she wanted to be angry at him, but that kiss changed that.

“It’s Merle, he got into trouble, he’s in jail, and gonna be for a long time,” he said, but something that shocked Gray was that he didn’t sound all that upset with the fact that he won’t be seeing his brother for a long time. He actually seemed happy.

“And you’re happy about that why?”, she asked confused.

“This is our chance, this can be our new start!”, Daryl said with excitement in his voice.

“What do you mean Daryl?”

“Let’s run away!”, Daryl exclaimed.

“What? Are you insane, we can’t just run away!”

“Yes, we can,” he said taking hold of Gray’s hands,

“We can start a new life, away from the arseholes that keep us here, together, we can finally live our lives without fear or pain!”, everything Daryl was saying made sense, and if Gray was being honest with herself she had dreamed about getting away from this place and being with Daryl, but something was stopping her, and she didn’t know what.

“I love you, Gray, I can’t be without you…” Daryl paused and looked deep into Grays’ eyes.

“… Marry me?” Daryl asked.

“What?” Gray was stunned. This question came out of nowhere and it was a huge question.

“Marry me? Let’s run away, get married and live a life together that we deserve.”

Gray took a moment to think, her heart was screaming YES. She loved Daryl, more than she had loved anyone in her life but her head was telling her this was the wrong thing to do. She wanted a life with Daryl, she wanted to marry him, but the was finding it difficult to come to terms with the running away part of the plan.

Daryl could sense her apprehension.

“They don’t deserve you, Gray, they have done nothing for you other than take your money and beat you, you deserve so much better, I want to give you a life, please come with me?” Daryl pleaded.

He wanted everything good for Gray he wanted her to be safe, he wanted to be able to go to bed every night knowing that she was going to be happy and safe.

While Daryl was thinking out all the possible scenarios in his head, he was quickly interrupted.

“Yes”, Gray answered, she wanted everything Daryl just said, and she wanted it with him.

“What?” Daryl not quite catching it, or not believing the answer she just said.

“I said yes, I will run away with you and yes, I will marry you, Daryl Dixon.

They both locking into the most passionate kiss they had ever had. As Daryl wrapped his arm around Gray’s waist he slowly and gently lowered her to the ground, and lowered himself on top of her, their lips never once breaking contact. Slowly and passionately they removed each other’s clothes and made love in the most intimate way, taking in every part of each other, loving each other.

As they laid there naked in the sun Daryl turned his head to Gray.

“Are you sure about this?”, he just didn’t want her to regret anything.

“I am, surer than I have been about anything.”

Daryl placed another kiss on Gray’s lips and moved to sit up handing her all her clothes.

“We should get going, no point in lingering here.” He said as he was getting his trousers and shirt back on, but before Gray to could say anything Daryl interrupted.

“Although...” he paused, looking slightly guilty for some reason at what he was going to say next.

“What is it?”, she said with concern in her voice, but he didn’t answer.

“Daryl?”, he turned to look at her, and she gave him a look to tell him it’s alright.

“We’re gonna need money!” he said looking at the ground, he had some money, but it wasn’t nearly enough to make a life for them both.

“Come on,” Gray said finally finished dressing she stood up and reach out her hand to Daryl.

“We’re going to my house”, she had a plan that was going to help them with their new life.

“What? Why?” Daryl asked.

“My parents have a bank card for emergencies, they keep it in the house, I know the pin, let's just take it,” Gray explained the plan.

Daryl got onto his motorbike and Gray on the back and they rode off to her house. There was no one home at this time, they were both at work.

Gray located the safe they kept it in, put in the combination and opened it with ease.

“Bingo”, she said to herself as she turned around to face Daryl waving the card around.

“Let’s go,” Gray said with a tinge of excitement in her voice.

They rode off together looking back at the town that was not kind to them and they smiled knowing that they never had to come back this hell hole again.

--- A Month Later ---

Everything had been going amazingly. Daryl and Gray had found a new town to make their life together, they had found an apartment, they had good jobs that paid well and now it was time for them to get married.

Although they had the money from the card they stole from Gray’s parents, they didn’t want a big wedding, no one would come anyway.

It was the day before the wedding and Daryl said that he had a surprise for Gray.

As Gray was clearing the apartment Daryl walking in with a clothes bag.

“What’s that?” Gray asked.

“Your surprise…” he handed it to Gray and she started to open it.

“I know we’re not having a big wedding, but I wanted you to have something to make you the beautiful bride you are!” Daryl went on explaining as Gray opened up the bag to reveal a beautiful white dress.

It wasn’t a proper wedding dress, but it was beautiful, long and flowing with gorgeous embroidery and lace.

“Daryl it's beautiful, thank you so much,” Gray placed the dress down and went to thank Daryl properly and placed a loving kiss on his lips and he lifted her up.

Daryl pulled away from the kiss his arms still around her waist.

“I have another surprise, but you’ll have to wait till after the wedding”, Daryl said teasingly.

It was the day of the wedding and Daryl had already left the apartment, not being able to see the bride and all. And some of Gray friends had come around to help her get ready for the big day.

Gray got her dress on, had her make up done and hair put up with beautiful pins, she looked stunning.

Daryl was round his mate's place where they were getting ready too, all getting their tux’s on, Daryl looking as handsome as always.

Daryl made his way to city hall and waited there for the arrival of his beautiful bride.

As the doors opened he was blown away at how striking she looked in her dress with her hair done and most of all her big smile, something he never got tired off.

As they met at the end of the aisle he placed a kiss on her cheek.

“You look beautiful,” Daryl told her.

“You clean up pretty well yourself Daryl Dixon”, she said jokingly as she straightened up his tie.

It came to the end of the small ceremony.

“Do you Daryl Dixon take this woman to be your wife?” the minister asked.

“I do,” Daryl said with a big smile on his face, he had never been happier.

“Do you Gray Williams take this man to be your husband?”

“I do”, Gray answered taking Daryl’s hand in hers.

“I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may now kiss the bride.”

Daryl didn’t waste a second in pulling Gray close and kissing her passionately.

As they pulled away from each other they looked lovingly into each other’s eyes knowing, that never in both their lives have they ever been so happy.

Daryl and Gray walked out of city hall and went back to their apartment, when they got to the door Daryl scooped Gray into his arms and carried her across the threshold.

He set her down and locked onto her lips pushing her backwards so her back hit the door. Daryl pulled away and took one of Grays’ hands and led her to the sofa and told her to sit down.

“Do you want to know your other surprise?” Daryl asked getting very excitable.

“Yes please,” Gray said not being able to contain her excitement.

Daryl reached into his back pocket and pulled out an envelope and handed it to Gray.

Gray opened the envelope to reveal two airline tickets to St. Lucia in the Caribbean for two weeks.

“What’s this?” Gray asked, kind of confused.

“Our honeymoon,” Daryl said as if it was obvious.

“But how, how did you afford this?”

“I picked up a few extra hours, plus I had some money saved from when I was back in Georgia,” Daryl explained.

“You shouldn’t’ve done this Daryl,” Gray felt guilty for Daryl spending so much money on this honeymoon.

“You deserve everything, you deserved a big wedding, but I wasn’t able to give you one, so I wanted to give you a wonderful honeymoon.”

“Daryl thank you so much”, Gray said as she jumped up from the sofa and into Daryl's arms.

St. Lucia was the most beautiful place Daryl and Gray had ever seen. He had got them a villa so there could be privacy with its own private little beach.

Walking along the shoreline at sunset hand in hand Daryl stopped and pulled Gray towards his body and kissed her with all the love in the world.

“I love you Daryl Dixon”, Gray proclaimed with a big smile on her face.

“I love you too, Gray Dixon”.

They were the most perfect two weeks in both their lives, lots of smiling, lots of laughing, eating delicious food, lots of drinking, A LOT of lovemaking and above all else so much love.

Taglist: @crossbowking @addiction-survivor25 @viraloutbreakcontrol@dragongirl420 @bluesfortheredj @shutupimtryin2write @nothingevertrulyends @hyphymanatee @selenedixon @cbarter @cole-winchester @alyisdead @hopplessdreamer @infinitewcr @blogsporadicartist @mtngirlforever  

[tea-books-rain]

Book Review: A Beautiful Composition of Broken by R.H. Sin

Warning: I hated this book. I go after it really hard Inserting a read-more just for length.

I’m going to start this review with an excerpt. Two excerpts, actually. I couldn't decide which was more... erm... appropriate. You'll see.

From page 77:

The Tights You Wear.

wrapped around both thighs black hues and heather grays beginning at the waist ending just at the ankles forcing me to pay homage to your curves

From page 299:

6:16p.m.:

utilizing my tongue as a stress reliever pressing pressure points creating a climax provoking pleasure with ease opening you right up because my tongue is the key

-- This was, without a doubt, the worst collection of poetry I have ever beheld in my entire life. I feel like I could exfoliate with steel wool in the shower and I still wouldn't be rid of the absolute creepiness I've been exposed to within these pages. It is vile. It is demeaning. It is derogatory. It is falsely feminizing, toxicly masculine, and the attention-mongering is real. I have a lot to say about it.

A single moment of disclosure, I didn't actually finish this book. It's 461 pages long. I threw up the white flag of surrender on page 300. I couldn't take another page. I'll explain more in a bit.

Before I get into my full lambasting, however, I do want to say something nice about this book. I genuinely appreciate seeing a male poet so ready to embrace the idea of writing about love and about how it's OK to want love and to want a relationship, instead of just an OKCupid hookup or whatever. That was a nice, refreshing sentiment. If you aren't super-rooted in third-wave feminism (which I admittedly am, and which we'll also get into), you'll probably think this book is amazing. It offers just enough love, enough longing for respect, etc, to be good.

Another positive I want to say about this book is that some of the poems are legitimately good. There are plenty of redeemable poems that have nothing wrong, weird, or unhealthy in them. I'd say 25% of them are fantastic, normal, solid poems with good ideas and thoughts. I was drawing little hearts next to them. In fact, this book is so long enough that if they were collected up and all of the crappy, chauvinistic, toxic poems were removed, he still would have been able to publish a book, it'd just be more like a regularly sized poetry book instead of this insane tome.

That said, the good poems in this book are surrounded by so many poems that are - for lack of better phrasing - complete and utter bullshit, I couldn't take the good poems seriously. For example, there was a very nice poem about how R.H. Sin likes to get to know a girl's mind before he touches her body. This is well and good. It's a valid sentiment. However, it comes in at about page 250. The leggings poem listed above is on page 77. If what you're wearing to walk down the street means he can whistle at you, then what really comes first? What does he really care about?

So for me, the positive sides weren't enough to redeem this collection. I don't even know where to start with my issues regarding this work. I think I'm going to list them out and then elaborate one by one, just so I personally don't get lost ranting. I highly disliked how Sin paraded around like he was one of the feminists but he clearly isn't, I didn't like the whiplash from one poem to the next, the sheer amount of contradictions within the messages he's trying to bring forward, the toxic masculinity so clearly made evident, and the way he views love in general.

I think I'm going to tackle the love issue first, actually. This might have been what bothered me the most. R.H. Sin's idea of how love works, according to this book, is that it only has to do with being earned. If you just work hard enough, if you throw enough flowers at a pretty-lookin girl, if you just say the right words and put in the elbow grease, everything will be dandy. Then, when that's not how love works, he gets incredibly frustrated and blames it on the girl who left him. He sulks like a 5 year old who had a toy taken away, bemoaning that he loved her so hard and she didn't care about him at all and she never deserved him and blahblahblah. It eventually devolves into saying "well I don't care about anyone" (which we'll get into under the toxic masculinity section), before the entire process repeats itself again and again and again. About every 10-15 pages, it repeats. By page 300, he still hadn't learned what was going wrong here.

And I'm not saying that love doesn't require work, ok? It does. Being in a relationship means making decisions for 2, taking another person into account, worrying about them, checking in with them, etc. But being in love is also something relatively mundane. It's thinking someone is cute. It's having similar interests, a general respect for them, a general attraction. Within the poems presented here, I highly doubt R.H. Sin understands that. He genuinely seems confused that a woman might arbitrarily not be into him simply because she's not into him. He writes about women is like they're just prizes to be won over.

I think this ties into the toxic masculinity theme, so I'm going to dive into that next. This part isn't so obvious. R.H. Sin is definitely pretending like he's third-wave. He says all the magic words: he uses "women" and "warrior" in the same sentence multiple times, he has a whole poem using the word independence, he says women are strong, he even has a poem that says, "I hate this idea of a woman being silent."

But don't be fooled by the catch-phrases, kiddos! He's faking. If you read the excerpt at the beginning of this review, by page 77 you're already gonna know he clearly thinks that the decision to wear leggings is an open invitation for him to check you out on the sidewalk. If you choose not to like him, then you're just not good enough for him anyway and you never deserved his love. By the 200s, he's going to admit flat-out he knows women are silent because they're done with your shit--but he already said he hates it when women were quiet.

As if that's not contradictory enough, he starts gaslighting with his poems. He says he doesn't like silent women, but then he writes a poem "you don't have to explain why you left to the person who made you leave." He says you're allowed to leave anyone, but if you leave him, then you never meant anything. It's nonsense. It's infantile.

And that brings me to my main point of the toxic masculinity: R.H. Sin didn't admit a single fault about himself in all of the 300 pages I slogged through. Every. Single. Time. something went wrong, the finger was pointed at someone else. It was always that someone didn't love him enough, that they didn't understand him, that they wanted to leave, that they decided to choose Mr. Wrong over him, etc. Even people who had criticized his poetry meant nothing to him and were just jealous. He was completely and utterly incapable of sitting back, critically thinking through a situation, and admitting that he had any sort of flaw in his behavior or his logic.

As another example, there's a poem on page 160 that says, "I've come to the realization that loving a woman means making an effort to make her smile at all times." This is a terrible, terrible idea. Love is so much more than smiles. Trying to make someone happy 24/7 is the perfect basis for a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship. Does he get this? No. By page 219 he's saying "trying and trying is something that i'll no longer do. loving you until i realize that it'll change nothing. these things take time and i'm patient." No, you literally just don't understand what love is and you're glamorizing an unhealthy relationship dynamic, then having the audacity to turn around and behave like this act of self-sacrifice somehow earns you brownie points. It doesn't.

Anyway, I think that covers all of my major points. As a final note, I do have to say I thoroughly enjoyed ripping this book to pieces. I'm a firm believer in annotations and dog ears. This book looks more loved than my copy of Milk and Honey, which I've read... six times, I believe? Which is not bad considering I literally didn't even finish this book. My Snapchat story is littered with sassy annotations I added to the pages. My love interest, who doesn't even believe in annotations, was begging me to add further commentary and thoroughly joining in on the rampage against the godawful poetry and the godawful ideas R.H. Sin presents in this book. It was decidedly much more fun that if I'd actually spent the day reading a poetry book I enjoyed. In fact, if you want to get some thorough stress-relief by way of ranting about bad ideas of love, I'd solidly recommend this book. It's great for that.

Other than that, yeah, it's a really crappy book. My sincere apologies for whoever gets my copy after I get rid of it, both because the book sucks and my annotations surely do not improve on the theme. Yeah.

[electriclladydoesthetwist]

OKAY - I HAD TO - I HAD TO - 

And I HAVE TO SAY THIS - 

I HAVE TO VENT TO YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE WHO WILL GET IT. And also because I  need to. 

OH MHY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDD 

JAMES! DEAR LORD SHE’S AN ATTENTION SEEKING IDIOT 

Oh those beautiful, poor kittens - she’s so selfish 

WHAT THE HELL  - WHAT - THE HELL 

Come on this is so ridiculous 

I haven’t posted here in ages and yeah - I haven’t called her out in forever because I haven’t been paying attention - but - uhh. 

I hate people like this, I can’t believe she turned into one. 

social media brings out the worst in pathological attention seeking no brain people behaviour. 

It’s very creepy and weird. 

And yes, I get that we all take pictures with babies and post them because it’s cute but also it’s a reason to be like ‘look I look amazing but I’m really only posting this because of the cute baby ‘ blah blah hehe - but I mean that’s relatively harmless - it’s only really harmful if the baby is your own and you’re just using it because that’s the only way you value it - but guess what - that’s the only way she values these beautiful babies. AAAAAAA it’s so revolting it makes me sick. And I can’t post a new photo because I don’t like not focusing on the present moment and my happy internal and external life - And also - facebook kind of makes me hate people because of stuff like this so it’s just better for my own happiness not to even look at it. Oh - but she always does this - and this time it involves innocent beings who should be treated equally - with genuine moral consideration -

she’s such a fucking moron - who just uses other people to try to make herself feel important instead of actually being a genuine human being. 

Oh James - I just knew you’d get it - you’re the only one who really does 

And also it felt really great to call her out on her bullshit - publically - with genuine real considerations - I’m happy 

I used to do that - I used to use facebook and whenever she pulled crap or used me for attention seeking - I’d call her out immediately and it wwas brilliant. I love you . 

I Just had to do it. 

She;s not thinking about their wellbeing. 

And they’re beautiful and I arleayd love them - but even if she doesn’t end up - if she does move that would be okay - I want to protect them - but evne if she doesn’t end up keeping htem - what can be done - if the go to ‘ the girls’ - they’d be fine but those parent’s would totally abuse and not treat them well - coz they’re horrible {god i LOV E having no human siblings ;p = truly) - - and she’s  stealing their kitten hood. How could she. She had choices. She didn’t have to become like this. 

Please promise me you’ll defy the poison - those extremely sexist and violent video games tell me you’ve been exposed to that way too young - and at all. Please - please respect and genuinely value females. Please. Because we are people in our own right. I know society - every single male has internalised misogyny - society grooms them, - you- to see only males - all texts are angled toward their own uplifting at the expense and subduing of women. Please don’t listen to it. Please consciously recognise it and reject it. Please don’t become an aggreesor toward us. Don’t just respect me because of who I am to you . Respect me because I am a human being in my own right. And I deserve respect. Because I am equal. More than. 

Please be the real you. Promise me. 

 you also know why I’m indignantly pissed off too - you can guess it . 

i’m so worried about those poor babies - she’s stealing their kitten hood for her own gain and then what. They won’t get the quality of life they deserve. THey deserve to be happy and healthy and well looked after and genuinely loved - for them. They deserve a back yard - space. Cats need soo much space. All those idiots who keep them indoors- that’s literally abutse - their mental wellbeing and physical wellbeing - you can’t replicate the stimulation of outside, with it’s smells and sounds and trees and grass and calm and fun. That’s their natural environment. For humans or animals. But animals - especially. That’s basic living being rights - I want to rescue them. I would if I could. 

I’m so angry at her that she would even do this. It’s so morally repugnant. 

SHE is so morally repugnant. 

I jsut saw her fb post for my birthday - wow. Talk about use me for attention - and my childhood - the photos she chose. At least I used to pick nice photos of her - not the one photo where I look like I have the weirdest posture on earth because I’m detaching her earring from my hair mid photo - 

and how much have I said that my childhood is private - and lovely - and I don’t want to be used for attention - or have it put anywhere on social media - Yes - I look like a little doll as a child - Sash literally said that about me when she saw some photos - ‘She looks like a little doll!’ were her exact words - so - you know hehe - and there are SO MANY gorgeous photos of me - - and of me and her -  but she really did pick the least flattering one for the post. She - however, was not so good looking. but it’s really not done out of genuine good will 

My childhood is my own. I don’t want anyone else to have access to it. It’s precious. Why doesn’t she ever respect the integrity of other people. perhaps because she doesn’t have any herself.. ;p.. she mustn’t understand the concept - at least for anyone else but herself . I’m sick of her using me for attention. And other people. Especially those kittens - I have to be their advocate now because no one else is going to do it. They are precious and so are their lives and they deserve happiness, health, safety and genuine, true love - and to be treated like a family. And space ! They’re kittens. Little balls of sweet innocent energy and free will. Because they are family. I want to protect them. 

[thedeanrogers]

Well Let Me Tell You That There's Nothing Wrong, It's Just That Ones Like Us Will Never Belong

Boundaries have always been something I have had problems with enforcing. Either because I’m incredibly naïve or gullible, at times. I have allowed people to manipulate me. I have allowed people to subvert my resolve. I have allowed people to overpower their way into dictating to me how I should act, or how I should think.

For many years, I thought it had more to do with believing in the good in people. And looking for that. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that people are inherently selfish egoists. Only interested in using to their own, be it people, things, whatever. Once that purpose has been fulfilled, that object or person gets discarded. Having ultimately served whatever purpose they were pulled for. Knowing that now, I fight this daily. I fight with myself to retain control of my life. To retain control of my actions. To retain control of my emotions. What’s even worse is that it is amplified, as it pertains to my children.

When I was in my teens and 20s, I floated between groups. I was constantly in motion. There was a very large part of my psyche and ego that feared what would happen if people were able to see how damaged I was. I wasn’t sure what would happen, were my peers to see me as who I was, and not who I portrayed myself as being. It was here that I, sort of, perfected the ability to roleplay. I could give different groups and different people specific facets of myself. I could keep them held at a distance, and I could control how much of who I was they got to see. It became a survival mechanism. Something that became so deeply ingrained in who I am, that it is something that I have adapted as part of my sense of self. I tend to joke about how I am a man of many hats, but there’s a deep truth under the statement. Each role has a hat assigned. Dad. Employee. Friend. Lover. Asshole. Writer. And so on. As I’ve gotten older and learned more about myself and learned about how I process the world around me, I’ve learned how to transition between those hats more fluidly. I’ve integrated them into who I am, and I’ve learned to accept that those hats correspond to the needs of the world, as it exists outside of my body and my mind.

Unfortunately, this is also a cause for tension. There are people in my life who feel that this sort of, situationally appropriate, role-transitioning is indicative of my being psychotic. Or that I’m sociopathic. Because I don’t conform to their attempts to compartmentalize me. I don’t stay static. I am constantly evolving and growing and learning. I am constantly implementing concepts learned from the lessons. Constantly looking for ways to improve. Constantly looking for a better way. And because I do not feel it imperative to remain in stasis. Maybe this has to do with my constant chasing of enlightenment. My pursuit of transcendence. My struggle to move into something greater than myself. I have come to think that the fact that I am looking for something greater than myself, and choosing not to rest on my laurels, has created a resentment.

How does that relate to boundaries? The hostility toward me plays out in scattershot attacks, usually the same tired, cliched points of attack. The same rhetoric used against me that doesn’t reflect whom I currently am. And does not reflect whom I intend to be in the future. And when I choose to reinforce the boundary, it creates further hostility. It creates further tension. And it plays out in a violent mishmash of flying words, vitriol, and psychosis. The realisation that my life is not a mirror, was important. I do not reflect anything. I am not the individual whom people project onto me. And I choose not to let that project define my sense of self. I choose not to accept it when people adopt the toxic projections onto me as gospel. Likewise, I do my best not to accept how people are characterized to me. I let their own decisions define their character to me. And fuck if that level of mental detachment isn’t difficult. Because sometimes the ego and the emotions want to kneejerk all over the place and create unnecessary bullshit. Sometimes the moment carries too much power, and I allow myself to take the bait. I’m human. I’m flawed. I haven’t mastered the art of putting into execution, the lesson of knowing and understanding that what someone says about me isn’t indicative of me. It is indicative of their perception of me, and their perception of themselves. Much in the way that my perception of other people may not, always, reflect who they are.

When I was younger, I feared scrutiny. I feared examination. I feared confrontation with those less than perfect sides of myself. The level of my own insecurity dictated how easily I was malleable. And now that I have lived and experienced quite a bit; I’ve come to understand that there are people who never really step out of that mentality. They surround themselves in a cushion of denials and self-delusions, and they get aggressive when their self-image is questioned or perceived to be attacked. They need those untruths to be “true”, otherwise their sense of self is shattered. While I don’t directly remember feeling this to this level, I was more afraid of being exposed for being a sham.

Another big lesson I’ve learned about boundaries is how it relates to control. Those who feel like they are out of control, regularly disregard boundaries. They regularly disregard anything which will take control out of their hands. A great Instagram page, The Holistic Psychologist, posted something about this which struck me, “You’re crazy to everyone who can’t manipulate you.” And when I thought about it, it struck me as true. Almost blindingly so. And it’s something I carry with me.

Having said all of that, the place where those boundaries gets weird, is how it relates to my children. I am expected to trust their mothers are acting in good faith, and doing right by the kids, even though the very concept of it repulses me. I am expected to believe that these two women have the best interest of my children in mind; when all demonstrative action I see out of them indicates a level of self-centeredness that leads me to doubt what I am supposed to take in good faith. I feel I should be upfront in stating that I do not like either of these women, as people. In terms of the way the relationships played out, both were verbally and psychologically abusive. One was physically abusive. Both have gone out of their way to portray me as being psychologically unstable, controlling, and manipulative. And that’s just what comes off the top of my head. I was criticised for my own mental and emotional issues yet expected to cater to theirs. I was treated as though my thoughts and feelings were not valid, under the guise of accusations of treating them the same. Unfortunately, I see the same patterns of behavior starting to play out with them, with my kids. They both claim to be in therapy, but I don’t see any sort of indication that this therapy is actually constructive. It just looks like, from someone who was forced outside, that it’s just a continuation of the self-delusion. And that doesn’t benefit the kids at all.

By virtue of the fact that I am expected to co-parent, my ability to set up boundaries is slightly hampered. Because these women don’t respect anyone’s boundaries. They don’t know how to do anything but chase whatever whim their ego screams at them. And to me, a lot of the times, their egos run strongly counterproductive to what is best for the children. Or what is best for the harmony of the situation. Whenever I speak up about something, I’m met with derision. I’m met with attacks. I’m met with perpetual static. I am not allowed to establish limitations on what can be said. I am not allowed to establish boundaries on what I feel is acceptable for my children, because those boundaries interfere with their mother’s lives.

The most blatant two examples I can offer are this: bedtimes and significant others. My daughter has a problem with constantly falling asleep when she is in the car, no matter how short or far the trip is. She acts like she never gets any sleep. She always acts like she is exhausted. I know that when she is with me, she has the activity at school; either PE or recess, as well her martial arts class. But when she is with her mother, she does nothing active. Additionally, her mother doesn’t respect her bedtime. And then I’m left to wonder why my daughter has little to no energy. Both mothers of my children have a problem with being appropriate about their relationships with each kid. To them, their dalliances are just “friends”. Even though my kids see them kissing these new men. The kids see them going into the same bedroom. The kids aren’t dumb. But exposing your children to these men, like a revolving door, does not set the best of examples for them on how to view their relationships. Not every person you date deserves the honor of meeting your children. The lesson I was taught was that my children should only be introduced to the women I potentially date, once I’m sure that they’re going to be around on a near-permanent basis. The kids don’t need to know that people are expendable. The kids deserve to see better relationship models. Stability. Not the chaos of the perpetual revolving door. And not the gradual development of the fear of impermanence.

I struggle daily in enforcing my boundaries. I struggle with not capitulating to someone else’s desires. Because the weight of the bullshit that is thrown is absolutely depressing. And draining. No one deserves to feel like that. I’m better than I was, but I feel I could still improve. And I’m sure I will as I continue to grow, and evolve, and learn about myself and how to deal with my world.

[imzephyrkai]

My story with abuse

I wanna tell you guys about something that happened to me. Its something that really messed me up and i wanna make a post so anyone else that has been through this with this man can know they aren’t alone and they don’t have to keep quite about what he did to them.. There is this man named Phillip Wray. He owns a booking company called Syntheticide Entertainment LLC based out of Northern Arizona. We actually started talking because we both loved music so much.. I asked for a ride to couple shows one of them being his show because he had one of my favorite locals on it. The second show he asked if it could be a date and i said yes. I thought why not. You know? I was like let me give this guy a chance. He seemed nice at first. I should've known something wasn't right with him when he grabbed my hand when we got out his car at the show and would not let go. Like i really wasn't all that comfortable holding his hand like that. I really didn't know much about how to act as i really didn't do a lot of dating growing up.. He actually knew this and took advantage of my lack of knowledge. He asked me to be his girlfriend after he took me home that night, i stupidly said yes. He made it Facebook official and i felt kinda special because i was actually in a relationship and this was something kinda new to me. The friend i live with let him stay at her townhouse after one show we went to soon after we started dating so he didn't have to drive 2 hours in the middle of the night back up to Cornville. That night he pressured me into sex in her living room. Her dog tried to cock block him which i wish she had been successful because i really didn't wanna have sex yet, i was kinda sheltered growing up so i wasn't out of the house much and i was kinda sex repulsed. He knew this, i told him and he didn't care. He just did what he wanted and forced me to do something i wasn't ready for. Soon after he asked if he could pick me up from Phoenix and bring me up to Cornville where he lives for a week that December so we could spend more time together as he said and also because he wanted me to meet his mom.. I told him i wasn't so sure about that and i wasn't sure if i was really ready.. but he kept begging me to come up. He pressured me into coming up. I really wasn't ready for that at all. When i came up, i was really scared. I noticed when i went up there that his mom did everything for him, Now i want you guys to remember that this man was 31 years old at the time. I noticed she did all the laundry, she cooked, she cleaned and took care of the dogs on top of being responsible for her own elderly mother. Now originally he told me that his mother and grandmother only lived in the house with him because his mother was disabled and needed someone around her so she didn't get hurt and his grandmother was to old to live on her own. His grandmother was too old to live on her own and did need someone around a lot of the time but his mother didn't need him or his help. She paid for a lot of things for him. He was a full grown man basically being taken care of by his mom. He had and i think he still has it a second company where they go into restaurants and clean the stuff in the kitchen. He made very little doing that for he had to pay his helper most of what they made because he didn't want the guy leaving him to do it alone. So Phillip had barely any money, He never took me on actual dates. He told me he owned his home and he didn't. His mom pays for the mortgage. All these lies came out about things he had told me and i did get a little worried. I brushed it off though because he had convinced me that it was normal. His grandmother actually pulled me aside and said to leave him. I didn't listen to her and i should've of. Phillip has anger issues and if something doesn't go his way or someone did something to upset him he would blow up. He took a lot of his anger out on me. He threw things and would grab onto me really hard and yank. He left bruises which i made sure to hide. I didn't want anyone to see them. He eventually got to the point where he would hit me.. He told me i was in the wrong, He told me it was my fault that he hit me. I have never told anyone a full detailed description of how he treated me because it really is hard to talk about. My friends know he abused me and mistreated me but i left out details because i was really scared of what he would do to me if i said anything. He gave me a ton of rules that i had to follow to keep him happy and to be a good girlfriend. He said i couldn't hangout with any of my guy friends unless he met them and talked to them one on one even if i had known them for years. He didn't really want me hanging out with anyone. I would go see a movie and he would yell at me for seeing something he wanted to see without him and how dare i do that to him. I would go to shows with the girl i live with and he would be messaging me the whole night because he thought i would cheat on him which i never did. He really wanted to control me. My friend became worried about me and took time to sit down with me and tell me that this isn't normal and that how he was treating me was abuse. I told her it was fine because at that point i felt i couldn't leave him. I was really scared to leave him, he would say if i ever left him he would kill himself and then he got to the point where he said he would ruin my rep and make sure i couldn't get photo passes for shows and would make sure i couldn't work in the music industry ever or even that he would harm me. He even threatened to take my cat and harm her.. People ask me all the time “well why did you stay with him so long? This cant be true, you were with him so long.” People need to realize i was scared. I was terrified, He was very abusive and i had seen stories about women who tried to leave there abusive partners and had gotten killed. I didn't know what to do. I was just so scared. 

 Here is the part about his cheating. I brought over condoms to his house because he didn't wanna keep buying them and i had some. He stopped really wanting sex as much towards the end which was so weird because he wanted to fuck all the time before. I actually noticed the condoms were disappearing and we weren't having sex. When he was sleeping one morning i actually took his phone, There were so many inappropriate messages from several different women that dated back to the start of when we had started dating. I took pictures of some of the messages with my phone quickly and put his phone back. I told his grandmother and his mother what i found... I didn't say anything to Phillip at the time because i was actually kinda scared. With past abuse and how he treated me i was so scared to confront him. His mother told him i went through his phone and he told me he set it all up because he apparently knew i was gonna snoop.. Which is complete and utter bullshit because some of the messages were dating back to the start of our relationship. He wanted to work past me going through his phone, which he said going through his phone wasn't okay even though shit got really suspicious.and obviously he was fucking around with other women. He still found a way to blame it all on me and made me out to be the bad guy. 

It took me time to finally get out of that relationship. I told him i couldn't take it anymore and he told me i was a horrible person for “giving up” on the relationship. I didn't want to keep quite about what he had put me through, i made posts about it and he made a huge status saying i was the monster and put all the blame on me. But there were many people who witnessed the abuse. He turned many people in the local music scene against me by spreading lies that i had talked shit about them. Which there were people i had never even met he was telling that i said shit about. There are several people who know what he did to me, they knew about the abuse and everything he put me through but because they knew him first they didn't care. A women reached out to me and told me Phillip had sexually assaulted her. And even with her coming out and telling people this through my posts people still didn’t care, They still supported him. Its so disgusting to see bands booking through his company and supporting someone who abused me and raped another woman. 

People tell me to just get over it but i cant. You try getting abused, forced to do things you don’t want to and cheated on. I am really damaged because of him. I don’t wanna have sex with anyone ever because i was forced so many times. I don’t wanna be touched and i don’t even hug people that often anymore like i use to. If someone touches me in anyway i usually flinch. I have really bad trust issues now and i am scared to get close to anyone which has hurt friendships and possible relationships because they just really don’t understand. I know there are probably more women out there he has hurt but they are too afraid to do anything because he has threatened them. He threatened me for so long in many ways. I am sick of being quite about him. He is a horrible person who put me through hell. Its time he is exposed. People need to know exactly what he did. If you have been hurt, mistreated, abused or raped by him please contact me, you are not alone. 

to be honest there is so much more i could still say about him, about more cases where he hurt me or how he forced me to do something i wasn't comfortable with but that would make this post so so so much longer and i would just repeat myself with how much he did things and how he always was abusing me. Simple Phillip Wray lied to me, abused me, forced me into unconformable situations and had been cheating on me the whole time. He is a bad person. Stop making excuses for him.

I am not a liar, and i am so sick of people telling me it didn't happen. My friend watched it happen. People saw the abuse. People knew it happened, they just didn’t care..

Hope all this really makes sense. I am trying to write this quickly because i want to have a post up since i was bullied into taking all the other ones down. People need to know what he has done. I really hope he doesn't do this to any other girls. I hope he spends the rest of his life alone because of what he has done. He should not be allowed near women. If you wanna ask me any questions or contact me my twitter is @fxdedcreep you should be able to DM me but if not just send me a tweet and ill follow you so we can talk // i really hope this makes sense to you all. And i hope i didn't ramble on too much, i just wanna say as much as possible and tell people what he did. I am not the best writer so my grammar might be off but i got my point across.