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emptymanuscript · 2 days ago

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Whaddya mean there are no benefits to being a good person?

Of course there are benefits. There are lots of benefits. There are, on the whole, MORE benefits to being a good person than a bad one.

If you’re good to a specific person, they may (or may not) be happy about that specific interaction. But, more importantly, each interaction shows how you are going to interact.

A good person isn’t made up of one good deed. It’s a global average of activity and interactions from a particular observer’s point of view toward a particular set of criteria.

I might think someone is good while you think they’re a total a*hole. Talking it out might lead to consensus - we each have different observed experiences of the same person. Or it might come out that we judge on completely different criteria. My friends growing up would give people points for religious attendance while I would have given zero points for that in the same period. They could tell me all the church time I missed and it wouldn’t move my needle. On the other hand, how they spend their time there might. I’m going to give a different evaluation to someone who shows up all the time but that’s all they do and someone who only shows up sometimes but makes it a point to help out every time they do. The second, helping out when they show up, counts while showing up wouldn’t.

So it is observer dependent.

That’s some of the real and basic comfort of God. God is an independent observer who sees everything better than anyone else AND saves all reporting until the end. So everyone else has to guess but God knows your true character. So if I think I am a good person, I can always rest on that fact. God will say so. I know because of x, y, and z that I was taught. And that’s how I act. So any other perceptions can be interpreted through that lens. Assuming I believe.

But that principle works even for those of us who aren’t particularly religious or don’t practice a populous faith. We tend to trust that those we know better have a better understanding of our proper moral categorization.

So, when given the choice, who will people associate with?

Right: people will naturally tend to gravitate toward others where you share a mutually high opinion of each other. At which point, what’s the next goal? Keeping that mutual admiration going. Which is why people in groups tend to act similar to each other. It’s recapitulating the positive feedback.

I like you, do you like me?

I do like you, do you still like me?

Well I think blah blah blah.

I like you and you think blah blah blah is good so blah blah blah is probably good and I think I might like to operate as if it is to try it out.

You like blah blah blah, well I knew it was good and I knew you were good so that makes perfect sense.

I do like it and it does make sense because I like you, I am glad you still like me.

Now, I’ve obviously oversimplified this and made it more than a little inane but that’s essentially a huge part of what goes on in overall communication between people. It’s verbal and gestural grooming. We’re in this together. Isn’t that great.

The thing is… it kinda really is.

Grooming is intensely important to social mammals. We talk about the ties that bind, well this is the actual act of tying that bind, that kind of subtle continual recapitulation of the tie. I like us being together, see I’m grooming you, do you like us together? Yes, see, now I am grooming your fur, too. Back and forth. Fairly constantly while everything else is going on.

On the other side is severe detrimental consequences for people who don’t get groomed enough, don’t know how to groom others in a way that gets asked for in order to initiate cycles, and suffer real harm from the isolation.

There’s all sorts of findings around illnesses and lower quality of life associated with that lack of social reciprocity. Lifespans start dropping fast. Someone who loses their main social grooming partners and doesn’t get a new one to take their place has about a two year average before something serious develops. If they’re already not healthy, those two years can be the lifespan.

But remember how people gravitate together. It’s the people who match with mutual admiration in some way.

So, when people are looking for others to add to their social grooming network, who are they going to gravitate toward when there isn’t already an initial pull?

The observed action that matches the seeking observer’s definition of something that they admire.

You like Star Trek? I love Star Trek. If you like Star Trek that probably means that there’s other stuff to like about you. Do you think there’s other stuff to like about me?

That’s the first tug.

But the rub is, until quite recently, things like fandoms were relatively hard to observe. Before 1996, Internet presence, where most of us can find these connections, was rarer than finding someone else who liked Star Trek.

So, what was easy to observe as a connection?

Seeing someone just out and about doing a good deed.

Even better: finding someone who you knew where to find them AND you got the regular experience of seeing them act in a good way. Mutual admiration generally starts with admiration.

One good deed might be meaningless. Everyone has better and worse moments. But regular, reliable patterns of valued behavior? Think about how good it would hear if the person who displayed that, said they liked you. That would really mean something.

Far from having no benefits, that kind of regular goodness - again, defined by the observer - carries the intense potential benefit of attracting people who also define those behaviors as good into your orbit and, from that entry point, into your regular interactions from being good groomers for each other.

This is also why doing good things for the reward is a mixed bag.

If it’s proactive toward the behavior, I want to be like this more because I value this behavior and want more of it in my life. Yeah, fake it till I make it. This is my best behavior but if I keep doing it, it will become my regular behavior and attract people who are like that into my life.

If it’s just putting on the sign because I think the other person will like it but I don’t particularly want to engage in that behavior regularly, then that orbit is going to destabilize fairly quickly as I don’t keep to the behavior I sold myself with. It’s the same issue as borrowing a nicer car for a date. No matter how good that might look at first, in the end, real life has to reengage, and that better car isn’t there anymore. The person I attracted with said car, now not only has to deal with the missing pull of the car but all the push implicated by the act of leading with the car. It’s saying that I value the sign more than the real thing and even the sign holds a different meaning because I was willing to use that sign against the real value of the thing. It means it wasn’t actually good, just a tool to acquire the person by deception. And deception is very rarely perceived as good.

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julietcpulet · 3 days ago

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LN 5 epilogue: The moment, the aftermath and the anime.

I’ve seen people being concerned for how things will be portrayed if the anime makes it to the LN 5 epilogue where Jinshi and Maomao have their undoubtedly most intense moment of the series. If the anime gets renewed for a season 3 it’ll have to cover this as the first two seasons have done 4 light novels so if we get even one more it’ll be expected to make through light novel 6, which is great material. Do I expect that some people are going to see Jinshi’s behavior as toxic, assault and the like? Yup, probably ramped up 1,000% from the frog scene even. Do I think the anime will tone it down from the light novel? Yes I do. They’ve added things here and there to other scenes and in ways I think it’s helped, with that moment and its nuances I don’t see them going all the way there. Also, there’s lots of fan debate on translation so I wouldn’t be surprised if the animators take a light tone just to keep from siding one way or another on how it was translated. That being said, here’s why I’m not that worried even if the whole scene is shown: because sometimes we need the messy moments for the growth to happen. (Spoilers under the cut)

First, some perspective. An analysis on the moment itself.

People can argue that this one moment in Jinmao history is a bit too messy but I don’t think so. For one, I don’t think Jinshi was truly trying to hurt Maomao. Yes we see him put his hand on her throat and pull her hand behind her back, however he quickly releases both, his one hand to twine in her hair and the other to pull her closer when he kisses her. The point of both was to get her attention. This scene starts out in a somewhat similar fashion to the frog scene but it is much more of a breaking point for the two of them than that. Just like with the frog scene, Jinshi has something vital he wants to communicate with Maomao. The whole reason for her being there is that she’s a marriage candidate, she is even wearing a hair stick Jinshi had made specifically for her, one with a moon and a poppy. (Moon Prince and the girl who likes poison, since poppies represent poison, anyone?) But when they begin talking on this subject Maomao, like before and always, evades and won’t admit she knows she’s his real choice for a wife and this is a proposal. Instead she even has the audacity to suggest he marry Lishu, who at this point even Maomao knows has feelings for Basen and wouldn’t be a good choice for Jinshi given her nature and his. To me it’s this continual evasiveness that gets Jinshi to grab her attention again by putting his hands on her in a more aggressive manner. For Maomao though, we’re finally given a glimpse at why her responses are likely instinctual over emotional and why she appears to almost “shut down” in the face of an advance. It’s because we see that her brain has been taught to view everything from the perspective of the pleasure district, she even later says she was “indoctrinated”. Horrifyingly, her sisters subjected her to sexual conduct when she was young to learn the ways of a courtesan to the point of tears and so when she’s in a situation where anything sexual happens she doesn’t see it as an opportunity to express herself but instead to retreat and only find a way to gain the upper hand.

Remember too that Maomao admits from the beginning that Jinshi “isn’t the type who would lay a hand on a young woman” and this doesn’t make her change her opinion. She even says out loud when he says “I wasn’t actually going to hit you”, “I know.” She can jump around his actions but knows whatever he’s doing isn’t about hurting her, it’s about getting a reaction out of her, which is why she denies him that satisfaction. We see once Maomao takes any kind of initiative Jinshi backs off, showing his only real goal was to have her show any reciprocation towards him at all. Especially when we see his perspective at the beginning of LN 6 where he’s looking back on the interaction and realizes Maomao’s detachment, we understand what he wants from her is not simply sexual engagement. He wants her to feel something and not be “like trying to shove a curtain…simply roll with it.” To me this expresses why it’s not “assault” in that Jinshi wasn’t trying to harm, harass or have sex with Maomao. He releases her when he thinks she’s kissing him back and his excitement over the interaction is over when he sees her face and realizes that she was completely devoid of feeling like usual and just playing along to whatever end she thought was expected of her.

Why is this pivitol for Jinmao? Understanding them. Growth.

Because it’s where we finally get to see why these two cannot seem to get on the same page about love or mutual feelings. Without it they’d just keep doing the same old push / pull song and dance forever. The quote before he reaches behind her head gives us a clue to all of it.

“That word, that simple four-letter word with its o and its e, was sometimes called vulgar, and sometimes turned out to be nothing more than a game- but some people said it was impossible to live without.”

Maomao is talking about love, what she sees in Jinshi’s eyes, what she’s trying to avoid and how we’re supposed to see them both playing it as a game because right now they can’t see it as anything else just yet. If you read on into LN 6 we see that Jinshi’s whole goal was basically to “triumph over” or to get a rise out of Maomao in some way, which he miserably admits he failed at. She remained unmoved and defeated him soundly. But that’s the whole point of this moment between these two is to show that they’re both still viewing love this way, as a “game” where one side has to win and have the upper hand to be successful. It’s why Jinshi tries to push Maomao to show him emotion and then Maomao is the one to have “victory” in the end by using what her sisters taught her but with absolutely no feeling behind it. Even during their interaction we get a glimpse that Maomao seems pleased Jinshi was jealous she had been dancing with Rikuson, “So he had been watching them!” (To me meaning she wanted him to notice.) So there may not be complete lack of feeling on her part, just a twisted sense that it has to be manipulated. Jinshi’s view of love comes from watching palace women and men play political games for affection and status. Maomao sees love as dangerous and deceptive, many times the only form of it leading to harm and abandonment in the pleasure district. So both of them have no real concept what it means to love someone other than to try and get one over on the other, it’s about power, control and hiding what you actually want. Without this understanding on our part, as the readers and audience, that Jinshi and Maomao have troubled histories and a distorted view of love, we would just see the way they handle one another as abusive. You need this scene and others like it to get a glimpse into how they actually operate, what they're hiding and what the aftermath does for them.

From the moment to the aftermath, where change happens.

It's in the aftermath we see real change for the two of them. Jinshi realizes he was conceited and a part of him believing that because others respond to him favorably he could get Maomao to do the same. Maomao doesn’t evade him in the same way as before either. Yes when they reunite in LN 6 Jinshi still offers her an antler and they engage in their typical back and forth complete with Maomao trying to reason herself out of being Jinshi’s choice but it’s lighthearted and both are far less intense. Maomao’s want to rationalize Jinshi’s choice as purely political without feeling helps her reason why he might want to pick her. It gives us a glimpse at her self esteem being so low that she has to say “He’s got strange tastes, though” to understand why Jinshi would pick her over other women she’d consider more desirable to him. It’s telling too that Maomao is quoted as thinking,

“Maybe he was hoping she would come right out and say she loved him, but quite frankly, Maomao wasn’t at a point where she could bring those words to her lips. The best she could manage was that she wasn’t without a certain affection for him."

It’s telling because 1. It says she isn’t at that point she can bring the words to her lips, not that she doesn’t feel love for him. 2. It still states clearly she has affection for him. This goes to show that Jinshi’s prodding can have an effect on Maomao. Being the kind of shut down person she is due to her background, she in effect can almost need someone like Jinshi who’s willing to push her outside her comfort zone to get her to admit to feelings she’s unwilling or even at times unable to fully voice. Even in the next moments where he tickles her and she lightly objects but lets him, it allows even more walls between the two to be bridged. It’s not aggressive like what happens in the LN 5 epilogue but more like what two true lovers might do in playfully getting to know one another. And it still proves the most effective way in getting Maomao to open up because their conversation here leads to the first real confession Maomao makes about her true fear and it’s made as clear as it can be that it’s not marrying Jinshi himself but that in doing so she doesn’t want to become Gyokuyou’s enemy. This revelation by Maomao sets off a lot of what happens in the next novels for them and it wouldn’t have happened had Jinshi not pushed Maomao to stop ignoring she was a marriage candidate and instinctively shutting him out. By letting Jinshi in, not hiding what she’s actually thinking, even this little bit, he takes that knowledge and tries to do all in his power to keep her from being afraid of a future where they’re together. But without the moment in the garden of the LN 5 epilogue there would be no Maomao opening up and no Jinshi realizing he needs to do what he can, not to prove his feelings to her but to prove it’s possible they can work and she won’t be in a tough position.

"For you, I will remove every obstacle that keeps us apart. One day. Just know that." - "I won't let what you fear come to pass. I swear it."

An important detail: star crossed lovers.

I think this quote that occurs just before the LN 5 epilogue moment is important to mention because it ties into a theme that becomes relevant with Maomao and Jinshi going forward, that of the star-crossed lovers.Maomao is looking up at the dark sky and it’s possibly one of the most romantic observations she makes. Some may say I’m reading too much into this but if you’ve read Hyuuga’s novels you’ll know the details are where are the goodies are.

“The sky seemed so vast. There was no moon, making the stars to shine all the brighter. Three of them shone brightest of all. Perhaps those stars were the two lovers, and the river that separated them.”

This is likely referencing the myth of Altair & Vega, those are their western names but it’s a Chinese ancient myth about a celestial princess who falls in love with a mortal and they end up being placed as stars in the sky, separated by the Milky Way only able to see one another on occasional days (that’s my brief description, worth looking up if you want to know more). So I don’t think it’s coincidence at all Maomao references the stars being two lovers (Jinshi & Maomao) and the river that separates them (likely the empire or even Gyokuyou because she keeps requesting Maomao at her side.) I don’t think it’s that far a stretch to make. And this comes before they have this intense, highly charged moment in the garden as almost lovers. Completely misunderstanding each other yes, hence the river between them they have yet to cross but I think that’s why nothing can be taken at such face value here because even a quote like this can add such depth. Hyuuga does this again with the star-crossed lovers motif in LN 6 where in the same antler scene she has Maomao notice Jinshi looking at the book that falls and it’s Romeo & Juliet. How this relates to the LN 5 scene is that the star-crossed lovers are mired in tragedy, misunderstandings, missed opportunity. But as we see in LN 6 with the moment Maomao & Jinshi speak about Romeo & Juliet is they both agree about wishing for a different ending (I talk about this in another post). So my thought here is without the LN 5 epilogue, without having them be the stars separated by the river, having them face these difficulties, we also wouldn’t get the ending they’re both working so hard towards.

Finally, the anime: striking a balance.

So why should we actually look forward to a moment like the one in LN 5 being shown in the anime? Because it's not just about that moment but about everything it represents and leads to for these characters. Without this singular moment that's fraught with so much unresolved tension, feelings and decisions, Jinshi and Maomao would've never been pushed to discuss what needed to be between one another. They've both had too messy of upbringings to do so in any natural way. Maomao almost needs Jinshi to needle her to get her out of her self-imposed shell and he likewise needs Maomao to shut him down sometimes to prove his conceited notions aren't always on course. But without a moment like this we wouldn't have gotten a truth from Maomao that leads to down the road her admittance that she's merely afraid her feelings are too lukewarm compared to Jinshi's.

"It was a heat like molten metal. She wasn’t sure what to do with it all for the temperature she could return was no more than that of lukewarm water."

In effect showing that it's her sense of inferiority keeping them apart more than it is a lack of actual desire on either side. With the anime, I expect them to strike a reasonable balance. There's too much internal monologue that I don't think they'll be able to capture it all. The frog scene for me showed they were able to walk that tight rope between intense behavior and romantic advancement like the scene is meant to convey so if it would be the same team handling the garden scene I'm not worried at all. I think the anime's that are willing to stick to the canon, regardless of plots that may seem a bit edgy or not fit within modern standards, tend to be the best ones. So far Apothecary Diaries anime has stuck closely to the light novels and I would be surprised if we got to this moment and they deviated too much, they've handled much darker topics than this. I worry more about people's reactions to it but even then I anticipate the arguments that will coming along, hence this long winded explanation haha.

In truth, were this reality, would I recommend a girl friend stay with a guy like Jinshi, no I wouldn’t but I also wouldn’t recommend and guy friend stay with someone like Maomao who never listens and eats poison. Sometimes people take the fun out of watching two characters who are close to reality but don’t live in it play out an interesting story. I fully expect people won’t get the nuance in that scene and even I could read too much into it myself but I’m just looking forward to more seasons if we get them. However the anime decides to portray it should be good if we get there and I hope my analysis has made sense, even if it’s a bit long as always 😂.

#the apothecary diaries #kusuriya no hitorigoto #jinmao #jinshi x maomao #maomao #jinshi #apothecary diaries #jinmao rambles #if you like long breakdowns and analysis i'm ya gal

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hannahsturniolo · 2 days ago

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ᴜɴᴇxᴘᴇᴄᴛᴇᴅ ᴅᴀᴛᴇ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴄʜʀɪs

Warning: mentions about sex, mostly fluff, kissing

Summary: after a horrible date in part 1 , Chris takes Y/N on a date after confessing that he’s been in love with her since they were 12.

Read part 1 first to get the full story❤️

Part 3 also out!💛

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

“It’s always been you Y/N” he said softly. “I’ve been in love with you since we were 12.”

You were still in shock, and didn’t even know what to do or say. You can’t believe that you just kissed Chris sturniolo. THE Chris Sturniolo.

“I have been in love with you too Chris. I’ve just always been scared to say anything because our friendship has always been so strong, and I just never wanted to ruin that” you said nervously.

“I was always scared it was going to ruin our friendship too. But I just knew after seeing you go on that horrible date, and how other guys can be, I don’t want you to have to go through that again. Being in love with you, and seeing what happened was my turning point. I knew I had to do something about it” he said nervously with a gentle smile.

All you could do was smile. He reached over and grabbed your hand gently. “Now let’s go eat, baby” he said.

Hearing him call you that made your heart pound out of your chest, and your stomach flutter with butterflies. You never felt so safe and so happy.

Chris made you feel safe. You knew you could always count on him.

“Did you want to try out that new Italian place? It’s like a 15 minute drive if you’re down for the drive?”Chris looked over at you smiling.

“Sure. We can do that.”

The whole way to the restaurant, you felt him keep looking over at you in the corner of your eye, continuing to hold your hand. He was rubbing gentle circles on your hand with his thumb.

“I just can’t get over how beautiful you are” he said shyly.

You looked over at him, and he was looking at you with so much love in his eyes. You smiled and said “I hope you know how handsome you are. I’m so thankful that today’s date went the way it did, because if it would have went well, we wouldn’t have been going on this date. As much as I hated what happened, I’m glad about what came from it”

You arrived at the restaurant. You unbuckled your seatbelt and before you know it, he was at the passenger side door opening the door for you, and reached out his hand.

You grabbed onto his hand, and he shut the door behind you.

He held your hand walking into the restaurant. He would not let go.

The waiter walked up and said “for the 2 of you?” And Chris shook his head. Once you and Chris sat down the waiter came right out and said “are you guys a couple? I can see just the sparkle in both of your eyes.”

Chris and I looked at each other.

“I guess you could say that” Chris said with a smile.

“Can I start you guys off with a drink?” The waiter asked.

“I’ll do a water please” you replied.

“I’ll do a Pepsi” replied Chris.

The waiter walked away.

“You really mean that Chris? A couple?” You asked him shyly, cheeks all pink.

“I mean, would you want to be my girlfriend?” Chris said shyly. “I would love for you to be my girlfriend.”

“Of course I will Chris” you said with a big smile.

Chris’s eyes lit up. He leaned over the table, and gave you a soft romantic kiss. You felt like your heartbeat was in your throat. He reached his hand across the table and held yours.

“I can’t believe it. I’ve been wanting this for like 10 years now.” Chris smiled.

~~~~

Chris paid for dinner, and you both stood up hand and hand leaving the restaurant.

Once you got back to the sturniolo house, you walked in, and Chris yelled to Matt and Nick sitting on the couch watching a movie “Y/N said yes to being my girlfriend!!!”

Nick stood up right away “wait, what!!! I didn’t even know you guys were going on a date????”

I told Nick and Matt the whole story about my terrible date, and Matt knew why Chris stormed out of the house so fast.

Chris walked into the kitchen, “would you wanna watch a movie with some popcorn? I can make some popcorn, I even have some candies.”

“Sure.” You nodded with a smile.

While Chris was making popcorn, Matt walked up to you.

“He’s been talking about you for years, you know that? He’s always talked so highly about you and how much he’s loved you” Matt whispered.

You felt your cheeks go red, and you just smiled.

“Okay popcorns ready. We’re going to be up in my room watching a movie if you need anything.” Chris said to Nick and Matt.

You and Chris walked hand and hand upstairs.

Matt turned to Nick, “I don’t think we should go up there” Matt laughed. “What if they end up doing stuff?”

“I doubt it. They basically just started dating” Nick said.

You got up to Chris’s room. You haven’t been in Chris’s room in forever. You mostly hang out with all the boys at the same time in the living room or kitchen and chat. Chris had very dimmed lights from his lamp in the corner of the room, and the small light from the tv.

“You okay?” Chris asked. He could see you were a little nervous.

You both sat down at the end of his bed.

“Yeah, im okay. Just a little nervous to be honest.” You replied.

“Why are you nervous, baby? Talk to me.” Chris said worried.

Ugh when he called you that, you had an insane amount of butterflies.

“Just the- um.. pressure to do things” you said with your head down.

“You do not ever need to do things with me, I will never pressure you. Ever. All of this stuff goes at your pace. It could be 6 months from now, a year, I don’t care. I have you and that’s all that matters. I’ve wanted this for a very long time, baby. Don’t worry about that stuff.” Chris said grabbing your hands.

You felt like your heart was going to explode with love. Which did really make you want to do things with him. But you were too nervous. You haven’t been intimate with someone in 3 years, you don’t know what to expect since you’ve only been with one other person.

“The thing is Chris, I’d be open to doing things with you. I’m just really nervous and don’t know what to expect. It’s been a while for me.” You said nervously.

“You’d want to do stuff tonight? Please don’t do anything because you feel like you have to baby.” He said looking at you in the eyes.

“Do you- uh- think we can? Would you be down for having sex with me?” You said nervously.

Chris’s heart stopped. He got incredibly nervous, but he’s wanted this for a long time. He’s wanted to be intimate with you, and has wanted to show you what true love is.

“I-umm.. would love to.. if you- you want?” Chris stuttered.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Part 3 is now up!! - contains smut

#chris sturniolo #chris sturniolo fanfic #christopher sturniolo #sturniolo #sturniolo triplets #matt sturniolo #matt sturniolo fanfic #chris smut #sturniolo x reader #sturniolo smut #matthew sturniolo #nick sturniolo #nick sturniolo fic #nicolas sturniolo #sturniolo fanfic #chris x reader #matt x reader #smut

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heeseungiez · 2 days ago

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love letter | chapter 1

— with love, your admirer

your whole life, you’ve only known one thing: relaying love letters. but what happens when one of those letters is addressed to you?

— pairings! enhypen hyung line x fem!reader: heeseung x reader; jay x reader; jake x reader; sunghoon x reader

— featuring! enhypen members, haewon from nmixx, yuna from itzy

— genre! romcom, high school au, found family, fluff, angst

— warnings! profanity, lots of self-doubt and low self-esteem, possessive hyung line

— wc! 5k+

— a/n! to celebrate the fact that i managed to get vip1 for one of the european stops, we shall celebrate with the first chapter to this fic, i actually wrote this months back but since i didn't have the motivation to write the other chapters, i left it be... ANYWAYS now i'm writing the update to Tower by the Forest and will make something of this series, we trust!!!

previous | masterlist | next

Dear Y/N,

I know you might think this is a cowardly way of expressing my affections toward you, but I’ll admit I don’t know how else to do this.

I don’t think I’m anyone you would normally notice, considering the company you keep, but I’ve noticed you. I see you every day, always laughing and keeping your chin up even when you’re upset.

My heart has been acting up since the first day I saw you, running across the school courtyard just to tell one of your brothers that you aced your English exam. I remember the way your eyes sparkled as if they had stars in them. I remember the way your voice carried through the air like the sweetest lullaby, and I remember your smile and your giggle — something a picture nor a video could not capture in its raw beauty.

If I’m being completely honest with you, I’ve been drafting this letter for over a month, so I hope you can accept it, and the sincere feelings I am trying to convey.

With love, your admirer.

“That’s…”

“Cheesy,” Sunoo says, giggling to himself. “I can sense the glasses on this guy. He totally wears them.”

“Based on a letter?” You raise your brow at him.

“It kinda sounds like something Jay would write. In one of his songs or something,” Haewon points out with a shrug. “He wears glasses, doesn’t he?”

“How does that make this guy someone with glasses, though?” You wave the love letter in the air, your friends all gathered around you to have a clear view of it.

“It’s the aura,” Yuna agrees with the rest of your friends. “And he said he’s someone you wouldn’t notice, so what if this guy’s a nerd or something? You don’t really notice the studious types…”

“He could be the Heeseung type of a nerd, though, so not a bad thing at all.” Haewon grins, nodding her head.

“We have to find out who wrote this,” Sunoo claims, snatching the letter from you. He stares at it mischievously, examining the handwriting — the strokes of the pen, the spacing, the tilt of the letters — it can say a lot about a person.

“Who wrote what?”

You turn abruptly, surprised to see Jake at your lunch table. But when he hands you a small pack of sour gummy worms (your favourite brand, too), you think that you should’ve expected this. Jake never misses a day to give you a snack.

“Thanks,” you mumble under your breath, but Jake’s attention is already elsewhere. Giving you snacks is a tradition so embedded into his daily routine that he doesn’t even expect you to be thankful. But you are, every single day, you find it quite touching that he always makes the time to think of you.

But now, he’s become invested in the letter in Sunoo’s hands rather than you. “Are you reading a love letter? Did someone give you one? That’s awesome.”

“It’s not mine,” Sunoo replies, not even looking at Jake before giving it back to you. “It’s for Y/N.” Grinning proudly, Sunoo’s hands reach for the envelope instead.

“She has a secret admirer,” Haewon explains giddily.

“You don’t know who it is?” Jake’s brows furrow in distaste. “That could be dangerous, Y/N. Who knows what kind of person that could be if they can’t even put their name on a stupid letter.”

“Do your letters always have signatures?” you ask, looking him in the eye.

Jake pouts, rubbing the back of his neck. “Usually, they do,” he says, but you’re already rolling your eyes. “I’m serious, Y/N. This guy could be a weirdo.”

“But they don’t have to be,” Yuna says, disagreeing with Jake. “It’s not like she’ll be meeting him right now or anything.”

“There’s no point, Jake. I already tried,” Jungwon sighs, shaking his head. “Let them do whatever they want. It’s probably going to die down the moment they find out who it is.”

Jake runs a hand through his hair, a frown forming on his lips, though he does his best to pretend like it doesn’t bother him when you glance at him.

“I’ve never had anyone interested in me,” you say rather matter-of-fact, shrugging. “I’ve always been giving you guys love letters. So I’m allowed to be a little curious, don’t you think?” you ask with a raised brow, the corner of your mouth raised in a tiny smirk.

And if there is a spark of a certain emotion in Jake’s eyes then you both choose to ignore it because why would he be bothered by some random guy being interested in you? Oh, right — he’s supposed to be like an older brother to you. He’s supposed to be protective of you because he doesn’t want to see you hurt. If there are any other reasons for these feelings of anger, then he is totally unaware of them.

“You’ve had plenty of guys that were interested in you,” Jake claims confidently, and your brow shoots up. Because it occurs to him then that those plenty of guys he speaks of never dared to approach you. He knows of them, but you don’t, and he really fucked up by letting the fact slip. God, if the other guys find out that he told you, they’re going to kill him.

“I mean, like, probably,” he adds nervously, but the damage has been done. Your eyes are narrowed at him, wondering what exactly he meant by his words.

“Of course, there’s plenty of guys. Y/N is pretty as hell!” Yuna exclaims, grinning at you. “But, the fact is, none of them have ever approached her or tried to give her a love letter until now, so…”

“This guy’s special,” Haewon finishes, agreeing with her friend.

“Not that special, or he would’ve signed it,” Jake mumbles under his breath, rolling his eyes.

Jungwon, the only person who heard him, pats Jake’s back with a resigned expression on his face. “Just let them be. The more you’re against it, the more they’ll push toward it.”

“So who do you think it could be?” you ask your friends.

You spent the whole day walking around school, trying to figure out who could possibly be the author of the letter you received, but neither you nor your friends came to much of a conclusion. The letter was fairly vague and you had nothing to go by other than your own theories of what the person could look like.

So, obviously, your mood is slightly down when you’re heading home with Jay and Sunghoon walking by each side of you. They seem fairly clueless, so Jake probably hasn’t told them about the letter yet, but it might be better if you are the one to tell them. All of them, in fact, not each of them, one by one. But Jake and Heeseung both have practice for the respective sport they play, and as soon as you, Jay and Sunghoon reach your building, they also have responsibilities to get to — the band and figure skating.

It’s okay, though. You’ll tell them later. After all, this is something to gloat about — but you would rather know who gave you the letter first.

“You’re strangely quiet today,” Jay points out, nudging you with his elbow. He chuckles softly, when he sees your glare and the slight pout on your lips for daring to hit you. “I mean, it’s normal for him, but you usually have things to say about school.”

“Right. Yes,” you say, nodding. But there isn’t much you want to tell them besides the situation with the letter — and you can’t tell them unless it’s all of them. It’s not the right time yet. Instead, when the three of you stop at the bus stop together, you take off your backpack to pull out the new letters you received for Jay and Sunghoon.

“Here, take this.” You put their respective paper bags in their hands with a grin. “Today’s been pretty productive. I mean, I guess all the girls just felt like I’ll pick it up since I was kinda walking around school like an idiot, but it’s whatever,” you explain with a shrug. “Gosh, I really am becoming an office worker. Is this my calling?”

“You can do better than that, Y/N.” Jay shakes his head, laughing softly. “You can just tell the girls to stop giving the letters to you, you know? He doesn’t read them anyway.” Jay pushes Sunghoon teasingly.

“And you do?” Sunghoon raises his brow at him, rolling his eyes.

“Of course! It’s inspiration,” Jay says, grabbing a handful of the letters from his bag. “As long as they’re not full of mistakes and actually well written.”

“That just sounds like you’re just plagiarizing your own love letters,” you mutter, and Sunghoon chuckles, giving you a fist bump. “Do your letters have signatures? So you can give credits, you know.”

“Most of the time it’s at least initials.” Jay shrugs, not thinking much of your question, but you hum. “And their numbers, so I can contact them if I’m interested, but that’s pretty dumb. Who becomes interested in anyone over one letter?”

You frown. “Well, maybe people who don’t have many other options,” you say defensively, crossing your arms.

Jay and Sunghoon furrow their brows, exchanging looks but say nothing about your attitude. Instead, Sunghoon shakes his head and says: “There are always options, Y/N.”

“For people like you,” you remark, driving the guys’ confusion even further as they stare at you.

“Where’s that coming from? Did something happen today that we should know about?” Jay asks, examining you with the gaze of his that tells you he can read you like an open book. But you shake your head.

“No,” you lie, and Jay knows it. “Nothing much happened today.”

“If someone told you something…” Sunghoon starts, puffing out his chest, “I can fight.”

“So can I.” You roll your eyes, shoving him with your shoulder. “But no one said anything. I’ve just been thinking,” you try to explain yourself, waving your hands in disinterest to move on from the topic. “Ah, look, there’s our bus.” You welcome the distraction with a smile.

“We’re hanging out at Jake’s place tonight, right?” Sunghoon asks, affirming the plans for after dinner.

“No, Heeseung’s. He said he’ll be cooking ramen,” Jay replies, looking pointedly at you. Tilting your head and smiling innocently, you bat your eyelashes, well aware of the fact that you are the reason why. But you’ve been craving ramen for what feels like ages now, and Heeseung makes it the best.

After the three of you get on the bus, you mostly listen to Jay’s extensive rant about math homework that he didn’t do and was promptly punished for. Because, yes, it’s totally the teacher’s fault that he didn’t do the homework he had an entire week to work on.

You enter the Lee apartment without knocking or any kind of warning, really. But the door is usually unlocked, and since your families are used to all of you constantly coming over, nobody makes a huge deal out of it.

Heeseung is in the kitchen, already preparing his things for ramen. There are seven packs of Shin Ramyun scattered across the table, and you watch Heeseung beat the eggs in his own weird — unique — way that he says makes them taste much better than if he did it like any other normal person would. His dedication to making ramen properly is unyielding, though, and you smile as you watch him move around the kitchen.

“Need any help?” you ask with a raised brow, and Heeseung startles at the sound of your voice, looking up at you with wide eyes.

“Y/N, you’re here already?” he asks, and you shrug.

“I had nothing else to do. Parents are still working.” The thing is, while you appreciate your parents for constantly working to put food on your table, you’d appreciate it if they could also be at the table sometimes. But you got used to either cooking for yourself, or going over to any of the other guys’ homes to eat dinner with their families.

Heeseung gives you a look, sighing. “You didn’t eat at all, did you?” he asks knowingly, shaking his head in disapproval. “It’s an unhealthy habit, Y/N, you know that, right?”

“I’m just not hungry,” you defend yourself, but Heeseung smacks his lips together.

“That’s not a reason not to eat. You should always eat at least a little bit,” he sighs, crossing the kitchen to open a cabinet. “Come here,” he says, handing you a protein bar. “Eat that first. I’ll make the ramen fast.”

“Hee,” you call his name, and when he looks at you, you give him a downturned smile. “Thank you.”

Heeseung chuckles and shakes his head. “Just eat it. I couldn’t possibly let you eat ice cream on an empty stomach.”

“There’s ice cream?” Your eyes widen.

“Not if you don’t eat.”

You pout. “Then cook faster.”

“Do you want to make the ramen yourself?”

“I don’t know who said that. Maybe you’re just hearing voices.” You look around yourself, pretending not to have made any remark earlier. Heeseung rolls his eyes playfully, his focus half on you, and half on the ramen he’s preparing.

While Heeseung measures the water for the portions, you open each pack of ramen, taking out the seasoning for them, so you can combine it together in the water. Every time Heeseung glances at you, you also make a big show of taking a bite from the protein bar he gave you earlier, making him laugh each time.

“Yoi, I’m exhausted!” Jake barges inside the Lee apartment with a huff, heading toward the living room without as much as a glance toward you and Heeseung in the kitchen. He plops down on the sofa, completely taking over the piece of furniture while nobody else is here. “Coach made me do laps around the field for no reason, and then I had to stay longer to help Riki — the new kid that got onto the team.”

“He’s crazy good and has a lot of potential but… still needs a lot of work.” Jake runs a hand through his hair, finally bothering to glance at you and Heeseung. Although you’re both listening, the two of you also focus on making ramen together.

“Maybe he’ll be the captain after you go to college. If you teach him right,” Heeseung says, cutting some spring onions to put into the broth.

“Maybe,” Jake hums. “You got anyone for basketball captain yet?”

“Nah. But we’re figuring it out,” says Heeseung confidently. “I’ve got my eye on Jihoo and Nicholas. They’ve got potential too.”

Jake hums, nodding. He stretches his body out on the sofa, head hanging over the armrest. “Hey, Y/N, have you mentioned—”

“Not yet, so please, keep it to yourself,” you stop him before he gets to finish the sentence, glancing at Heeseung uneasily. The boy is already looking between you and Jake with his eyes narrowed. “I’ll tell you when Jay and Sunghoon get here,” you reassure him with a sigh.

“Then why does Jake know?” Heeseung’s voice is hurt, the tiny pout and his large eyes making your resolve falter. But you shake your head with a soft giggle.

“Good timing on his side,” you reply, sticking your tongue out at the boy sprawled on the sofa. He just makes a silly face in return. “Which actually reminds me, I need to go get your letters!”

Since you’re waiting for the water to boil, you want to run the few meters to your home, but Heeseung grabs your wrist and stops you. The expression on his face says enough you need to know — he doesn’t want the letters.

“But—” you want to argue, not entirely sure why you want to defend the work of random girls at school, but your heart dips into your stomach with Heeseung’s hand still wrapped around your wrist. The least he could do is appreciate the work people put into admiring him.

“I’m not interested anyway.” Heeseung shakes his head.

“But I got so many today. I need to—”

“Just trash them, Y/N, it doesn’t matter.” Heeseung shrugs nonchalantly, and it bothers you.

Maybe you’re overreacting because for the first time in your life, you also received a love letter of your own, and you actually treasure it. But you’d expect Heeseung to take them at least. So he can throw them out himself. Not have you do it.

“Y/N?” Heeseung notices your frown, of course, he does. But he figured since you’re partially bothered — though never say so — with people constantly making you relay love letters that it would be easier to just tell you to throw them out and let it be.

Maybe it would be easier to say that reading them doesn’t do anything for him. It isn’t a productive way of spending time anyway, when he knows that he won’t be interested in any of the girls trying to reach him. But that would mean he’d also have to explain why he’s so uninterested. And he’d rather keep that secret to himself. All while he watches you pout, staring up at him with the biggest puppy eyes known to man.

You look so cute, and you don’t even realize what it does to him. So he sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “Just… bring them. I’ll watch the ramen.”

The corners of your lips instantly lift in a grin, and Heeseung feels like tearing his hair out as he watches you run away.

Jake, who watched the whole interaction, laughs sympathetically. It’s almost comical how oblivious you are to them, but it makes sense in a way. After all, it’s you who’s been calling them your family. “You shouldn’t have said to trash the letters, man,” he says with a shake of his head.

“I thought it’d be easier,” Heeseung says defensively.

Jake purses his lips in disapproval. He’ll respect your wish not to tell Heeseung about the love letter yet, but there is another confession he has to make because there are almost no secrets between the five of you.

“She thinks nobody likes her, y’know.” Jake stares up at the ceiling as he says it, slightly in disbelief. “And I may have accidentally let it slip that a lot of people do like her, actually.”

“Did you—”

“God no, she’d kill us.” Jake shakes his head vigorously, glancing at Heeseung whose attention is back to the ramen. “I mean, we can always just say the guys at school totally respect us so much they don’t wanna mess with our younger ‘sister’,” he says the last word with such disgust it makes Heeseung chuckle.

“Damn, it smells amazing in here.” The door opens with new guests coming inside the apartment. Jake and Heeseung greet Jay with an acknowledging nod. “Did Y/N not get here yet?”

“She’s just getting our letters,” Heeseung replies with a sigh. “I told her to get rid of them but she didn’t like that.”

“Oh yeah, something’s been kinda off today. Did she tell you anything?” Jay furrows his brows, glancing between his two friends.

Jake and Heeseung exchange glances. “I think we all need to talk later,” Jake sighs just as the door opens to you giggling about something with Sunghoon on your tail.

“Oh, hello, Jay,” you greet the boy with a smile on your face.

Crossing the room, you put Heeseung’s bag with letters on the kitchen counter. Jake’s ends up on the coffee table. But one letter remains in your hands as the boys’ attention remains on you. Jake recognizes it immediately, while the others stare with narrowed eyes, tilting their heads in confusion.

“Look, guys!” You wave the letter in the air with a grin. “I got a love letter today.” Your giggle reverberates through the open space of the apartment. “Can you believe it? Someone actually likes me.”

Jake huffs in disappointment while the others gape in disbelief. On one hand, they do not like the fact you received a love letter, but their frowns only deepen at the soft, excited tone of your voice that reveals how little confidence you actually have in yourself.

“Yeah, we believe it,” Jay mumbles under his breath, glaring at the paper in your hand. “Is that why you were so upset earlier? I mean, love letters don’t really mean much if the person can’t just face you.”

“It doesn’t even have a signature,” Jake adds, still spread over the sofa. Though he changed positions and is now resting his head on his arms. “What is the point if you have to guess at who it is? Shouldn’t he be the one to come to you?”

“Yeah, I’d also rather have someone come up to me and just tell me to my face that they like me,” Sunghoon agrees with the guys, nodding. They’re not jealous, obviously, because they have no reason to be, but they definitely want to protect you.

“One of your letters from today is from Jang Wonyoung, Hoon.” You frown, not sharing the same opinion as the others. “You could read it, at least.”

Heeseung remains quiet, attending to the ramen that is finished by now.

“Why? It won’t change the fact that I’m not interested.” Sunghoon shrugs and your frown deepens, shoulders dropping in disappointment.

Why are they trying to make you feel bad about this? Just because they get love letters every day and it’s not as meaningful to them anymore, it doesn’t mean your love letter isn’t a big deal.

“But it’s Jang Wonyoung,” you say weakly. “She’s the prettiest girl in my year, and she’s so sweet… I actually don’t even know why she bothers with you, really.” You shake your head, dropping your letter on the counter next to Heeseung’s full bag of letters. Your one compared to his twenty or so feel so… sad. And it makes you furious, too.

Sunoo is right. You really do live your life only as the girl that talks to them. “And you! You have a letter from Huh Yunjin in that pile! But all you’re going to do is possibly use it as inspiration for one of your songs without actually caring about her.” You point at Jay with a pout before aiming your glare at Jake. “And you! There’s a letter from Ningning, but why would you care with the amount of letters you get anyway, right?”

There isn’t much the guys can say to defend themselves. To be fair, they have nothing to defend in the first place, but you’re upset, and they realize that they are the source of it all.

“It’s not that we don’t care, Y/N,” Heeseung says softly, while still attending to the ramen, now portioning it carefully into five bowls. Yours gets most of the eggs since he knows you love them. “We’re just not looking for relationships. It’s our last year at school, and we have other things to focus on.”

“But why is it so wrong to like someone?” you cry out desperately, throwing your arms in the air with a dramatic huff. “People like you. Nobody actually likes me.”

You hate being emotional like this, your eyes glossy with unshed tears, but you’ve never actually spoken any of these words out loud. It’s something that has been brewing and festering within you for years as you tried to ignore it. Now it’s overflowing, it seems. People don’t actually like you, though. They like the fact that you have a direct line to Heeseung, Jay, Jake and Sunghoon.

“At least not for me,” you add, your voice breaking.

“Y/N,” Jay tries to approach you, reaching out for your hand, but you pull away, yanking your arm out of his grip. He doesn’t let the hurt on his face show when you do that, respecting your space.

“I need to be alone,” you say, wiping away a tear that has barely escaped. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”

They can only watch you swiftly walk away from them, stunned by your words. They never realized how much this whole situation truly affected you, and they hate that they haven’t noticed earlier.

Jake fully sits up once you're gone, another sigh leaving his lips. “I told you,” he says to Heeseung. “But we can’t exactly tell her the truth.”

“She’d kill us,” Jay agrees quietly, staring at the letter you left behind. A letter that slipped past them — that, if they were more careful — would have never reached you.

“But she will find out herself if she starts asking around,” Heeseung says pragmatically, rubbing his eyes defeatedly. He stares at the bowl he made for you that you also didn’t take, which means you haven’t had dinner yet.

“We can’t tell her.” Sunghoon’s tone is firm.

How do you tell someone that you’ve been blocking every single person that ever liked them from approaching them anyway? How do you explain that you nearly punched some guy for saying that they’re hot? Exactly. You don’t.

“Whoever this guy is, though, we have to find out who he is before she does.” Heeseung looks at the letter that started this. “Just to talk to him…”

“It doesn’t change the fact that we made Y/N feel awful about herself, though,” says Jay, staring at the ground.

“Maybe we can explain to her that no one at our school is good enough for her,” Sunghoon tries to reason, but Jay and Heeseung both shake their heads. “They don’t deserve her,” he adds under his breath.

“I mean, we never told her that,” Jake takes Sunghoon’s side, but the two older boys already decided that it wasn’t a good excuse. “Okay, so what else do you want to do?”

“We need to let her know people do like her.” Heeseung runs a hand through his hair, glancing at each of his friends. “Just… in our own way. No surprises. And find out who the fuck is trying to give her love letters under our radar because he can, respectfully, back the fuck off.”

Jay nods in agreement. Then, noticing Heeseung playing with the bowl that was to be yours, he purses his lips. “She didn’t eat dinner yet, did she?”

Heeseung shakes his head.

“I’ll take it to her.”

“Be nice.”

“I always am, dickhead.”

You lie in bed, staring at your phone. Sunoo, Jungwon, Haewon and Yuna are currently doing their best to cheer you up while berating the guys, and you try to smile through your tears.

You just can’t understand why they can’t be happy for you. Sure, you understand caution, but the way they spoke — it was more than that. You know for a fact they hated it. They hate the idea of someone liking you. They are probably disgusted by it. So it hurts, obviously it hurts, your heart aching to the point you wish you could make yourself disappear off the face of the earth.

Are you really that unlikable? Is your only good trait the friendships you made when you were a child?

You quickly hide your phone when you hear a knock on the door, followed by Jay’s voice. He opens the door to your bedroom without waiting for your response. “You’re not that upset if you didn’t lock any of your doors,” he says softly, taking only a few steps inside.

Your back is turned to him, and you cover your head with your duvet. He doesn’t move — or at least you can’t hear him move — until there’s a small thud. The sound of him placing something on the desk by your door.

“Heeseung said you didn’t eat yet,” he murmurs, walking toward your bed. He just stands in front of it, facing your back for a good few seconds before crouching and speaking again. “And for the record, it’s not that we don’t care. Or… don’t like people or whatever,” he sighs.

“But when— I mean, let’s say hypothetically, if there already was someone you had in mind, would you also entertain the idea of liking someone else? Or indulge them because they wrote a love letter to you?”

Jay pauses, taking a moment to compose his thoughts. “We— I— people do like you for you, Y/N. You might not see it but you are the prettiest girl in your year.”

That makes you turn around. You stare up at Jay, into his eyes, a frown still settled on your lips.

“That’s not true,” you argue, but Jay smiles and tucks a strand of hair behind your ear, wiping any remaining tears from your cheeks. “It’s Wonyoung. Everyone says it’s Wonyoung,” you claim, shaking your head.

“Well, then I guess I disagree with everyone,” Jay whispers softly, his hand resting on your cheek. You absentmindedly lean into his touch, enjoying the warmth of his skin on yours. “I’m really sorry we made you feel like that one love letter was insignificant and like you’re not… likable. ‘Cause that’s honestly the last thing you are, Y/N. There’s so much to like about you, you know? And the most important thing is that you are aware of it.”

Your frown only deepens, but not because you’re upset anymore. You reach out for Jay’s hand on your cheek and squeeze it. He smiles, flipping his hand to intertwine his fingers with yours.

“Then why doesn’t anyone do stuff like… y’know… the girls that like you guys?” you ask rhetorically, but Jay chuckles regardless, an answer already in his mind. Not the one where he admits to threatening death to anyone who dares to even take a step in your direction or look at you wrong, obviously, but the other one — the real, vulnerable one.

“Because truly liking somebody is scary,” he says matter-of-factly. “We’re going to college soon, and falling in love is a terrifying concept for all of us.”

“But loving somebody should be a good thing,” you claim with a pout. “All the movies and books say that.”

“But that’s just the end of each of those stories.” Jay shakes his head, shifting in his position. Crouching is starting to hurt his knees, but he tries his best to hide his discomfort.

You notice, though, moving on your bed just the tiniest bit before letting go of Jay’s hand and patting the space next to you. You open your duvet, inviting Jay in. Cuddling is not something you do often, but you can use the comfort of somebody next to you.

Jay’s hesitant at first, his brain going a mile per minute as he comprehends the whole situation. His eyes widen the slightest bit as he stares at you and the open invitation to join you on your bed.

He does accept it, however, fitting himself on the bed meant for one person only. Though it barely bothers you as you smile and wrap your arms around Jay’s waist as if he were nothing but a plush toy. His heart nearly jumps out of his chest at the action.

In his head, he has to remind himself that you don’t see him that way. That to you, he’s just a brotherly figure, and this doesn’t mean anything. Not really. And yet his body refuses the fact as his cheeks and ears warm up the more you pull yourself closer.

Your words only further prove his point. “You don’t think the person who wrote the love letter for me is a creep, right? Because Jake said that and I don’t want to believe him.”

“I don’t know, Y/N,” Jay sighs, carefully wrapping his arms around your shoulders. “It’s hard to tell with letters that people don’t actually sign their name on. Why does this guy want to hide from you if he likes you?”

“Gosh, this is annoying. Why can’t things be simple?” you whine, moving away from Jay. “I want to like someone who also likes me back. That would be nice.” You stare at your ceiling, and the glow in the dark stars your parents stuck on there when you were a baby.

“Yeah… I wish things could just be simple and easy like that,” Jay agrees with you, only to be interrupted by your sudden movement.

You sit up on the bed, feeling faint, your arms slightly shaking, and you know for a fact the lack of any food is starting to get to you. But you also don’t feel hungry at all.

“The ramen,” Jay says instantly, getting out of bed to give you the bowl with a set of chopsticks and spoon. “I’ll just— I think I should go back to the guys, but… just remember what I said, okay?”

“Yeah.” You smile. The ramen Jay brought is still warm, so you should probably eat it fast. “I’m sorry for—”

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Y/N. Just eat, yeah? I’ll see you tomorrow.” Jay places a kiss on the top of your head.

“See you tomorrow,” you mumble, digging into the food.

If Jay lingers at the door a bit longer than he should just to make sure you are eating, you ignore it. But deep down, you are glad that at least someone cares.

You honestly don’t know what you’d do if Jay suddenly disappeared from your life. Out of the four, he’s probably the one who spends most of his free time by your side, and you’ve gotten so used to it that if Jay isn’t with you, you often feel like a huge piece of you is missing.

But then his piercing stare becomes a bit too much, and you giggle. “Okay, get out already,” you say, barely glancing up at him from your food.

Jay laughs, trying to ease the atmosphere. “Don’t choke on the noodles when I’m gone.”

You stick your tongue out at him. “Goodbye!”

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shanastoryteller · 9 hours ago

Note

Someone posted something about Adam Milligan, and it made me think a bit, and now I'm curious- What's your opinion on the third Winchester son?

honestly i don't really have one

i kind of think the whole thing was lame lol. i didn't really feel like he had any chemistry with sam or dean and part of that i think was his awkward age. i know we don't meet the real adam until s5, but i think it's fair to assume him in s4 is a decent aproximation of him. sam was 26, dean was 30, and adam was 19 (and he was 19 when he was brought back a year later and meets 27 yo sam nad 31 yo dean). not quite old enough to feel like a peer, considering what they'd been through, but not young enough to treat like a child. adam never really fit and he never felt like their brother

i also never really got a sense that he had any sort of personality, but i do think this was all by design. the most interesting thing about adam was how sam and dean reacted to him. if anything adam exists to demonstrate how fucking weird sam and dean are. it's all we're brothers, we're family, that's why we have to do this, we're all we have. but adam's their brother, adam's their family, and he doesn't have anyone else. yes, dean goes back for him, but honestly dean would have gone back for lots of people. also, when they find adam's body, sam's the one who wants to resurrect him and dean's the one that says no. frankly, i think part of this is dean saw adam as potential competition for sam's affections. he's sam's brother, his only brother, and frankly the concept of 'brother' has been expanded and messed up by them to mean something else entirely. and trying to fold adam into that is impossible, because they have decades of growing their tree roots into the other's foundations, but i think dean finds the idea that sam was willing to try to be distateful

first adam was a foil and then he was a plot device and never at any point did i find him interesting

that said!

back when i was watching supernatural the first time around, i thought of a fic where sam is on his way to stanford and comes across adam who's running scared from the ghoul that just killed his mother. sam helps kill it, asks about his family, finds out this his brother and calls his dad in a rage. john tells him to drop the kid off at social services. sam gets mad at him about it, john retorts that he thought sam didn't think children should be raised this way anyway. and he doesn't, john's right, but that doesn't mean abandoning family. john scoffs and is like, what, you mean like you just did? don't call me about the kid again

and sam reduces his courseload and takes adam, maybe mostly because he refuses to let his dad be right about anything. sam's 19 and adam's 12 and this shouldn't fly at all, but also it's legal guardianship to his brother who wants him and and who's record and grades and history are clean and impressive enough to get him into stanford or putting him into the system where who knows what will happen to him, so with sam he goes. and adam knows about the supernatural and it killed his mother and he wants to fight it, so sam ends up raising adam to be a hunter even though he doesn't want to, trying to strike the balance he always resented dad for not giving it him and it turns out this is all hard as shit, actually

then john goes missing and dean comes to find sam but it's not just jessica in his apartment. adam's there too and insists on going on their hunt, saying john is his father too, and dean's about to blow a gasket or have a stroke or something

#asks #anon #supernatural

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drunkeninlovesailor · 1 day ago

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Beckoning

Remember this post by @transformers-spike? I've decided to give the prompt my own try.

TW: nsfw, highly suggestive

now ya beckoning for me to dance

“It’s not quite lingerie”, you told Soundwave as he helped you tie the last ribbon of your costume, purple fabric hugging your figure tightly in some places, while flowing delicately over others. It was light, almost see-through (lie, it was see-through), soft and elastic enough to allow the performance you would put on.

“You’d be surprised by how often us humans wear such clothing for occasions like this. Actually, you’d agree that it adds to the art it’s supposed to represent”, there you were, dumping unsolicited info on him like it could distract him from the fact you were wearing that dress. Performance or not, he could have seen any other human wearing it and he’d be unimpressed, but you? Oh, on you it bore a whole new beauty.

You smiled at him, almost sheepishly. “There’s much about human dancing that I’d love to show you. We’ve found ways to make a simple human instinct a form of beauty, built categories for it, and, well, rules and such”.

Soundwave tilted his helm in understanding, visor still fixated on you, boring that invisible gaze into your figure and the fabric that shifted and flowed as you made your way across his desk.

You had his curiosity, now you should make it worth the while.

You licked your lips. “So, the single components can rotate on their axis, right?”, you pointed at his tentacles. “I need you to bind about,” you gestured, “this length worth of them”.

He did as asked. He was always so good at taking orders, you mused.

“Perfect”, you purred. Antennae stirring, he drew closer to you and you knew he enjoyed the praise as he inspected your clothing. Whatever that beautiful processor of his was concocting, you were sure your little idea was far above his wildest dreams.

Making sure he adjusted his tentacle vertically to the floor - his desk, floor to you - you instructed him in the set of songs he was supposed to play for you. A little gig of his, one you had many ways to find use of.

He recognized a couple of them, oh, more than a couple. And those he recognized, he remembered playing in other settings too. Spike stirring lightly behind his interface panel, he shot you an intrigued glance in the form of a Japanese emoticon.

“Patience, wave-kun”, of course you had to use that nickname. The first time it happened, he tilted his helm like a confused feline as you giggled at how wonderfully witty you were.

“Alright, here we go. Remember, don’t move until the playlist ends”, five tracks, fifteen minutes, but why?

As you held onto his tentacle with both hands, you hooked a leg around it - you felt it, the surge of charge beneath the panels - and nodded at him. “Let’s begin”.

The first track hadn’t even reached half its duration and he was already cursing himself for not having started the recording before.

There you were, leg hooked around his tentacle, swinging, swaying, letting the momentum carry you in tandem with the low bass. Your hips undulated, grin across your lips as he stared at your body.

You braced yourself as you held one leg up, another slithering across his tentacle. One move from him, and you’d have lost balance. With expertise, you let go and caught yourself again, twirling once more, legs hooking as your hair cascaded around you. Upside down, you grinned at him again.

“This, my darling”, and he swore you pressed your chest and closed your thighs around him on purpose, “is called pole dance”.

And then, tempting like a succubus, you kissed your makeshift pole before you rose again and began to spin as the song reached its crescendo.

You were enjoying it.

You were enjoying it and he knew. He could feel it on his tentacle. He could feel it as you rubbed your slit up against him, sultry and devilish.

And you loved it.

You were always a bit of an exhibitionist at heart (lie, you would never admit how much it turned you on), but you never had the courage to give into it. No matter how many times you’d practice in the privacy of your apartment, it was never something you were going to show to the world.

Until he came along.

His gaze was burning into you and every glance at his faceless visor made the fire burning in your loins just a little hotter. You bit your lip as you swayed, back arching and hooking a leg up so you could give him a good show.

You hoped that beside the allure of it he would also recognize the art. You knew he would. You hoped his spike was straining behind his interface panel. You hoped he was filming all of it.

You smiled wickedly and cascaded, catching yourself just in time to press your chest flush against the pole once again and slide, dragging your tongue along it too.

Something like a rumble echoed through the music.

You climbed up again, swaying with momentum as the third track began, trusting the movement and the strength of your legs. You knew he wouldn’t let you fall - but even so, your dance had captivated him. His other tentacles remained unmoving, trusting your expertise.

Besides, you had precisely instructed him not to move as you gave him your little show.

You saw his servos twitch nonetheless. You sent a kiss his way, beckoning him.

“What’s wrong, Soundwave?”, you teased, slithering all the way down until you touched the ground in a perfectly executed split, “are you not enjoying the performance?”

The panels beside his neck cables flared up, but he retracted them quickly. A noise of metal slabs brushing against one another, you figured he was tightening his fists.

Your dress rode all the way up as you swayed again, and you could swear you heard a groan. “Come on, love. We’re at the fifth song already”.

You climbed the pole again, careful as you went, and shot him one last sultry glance.

“Watch me now”, and your hands both left him, allowing you to fall before gripping him again. The kinetics that came with it made you twirl faster, hypnotizing as your limbs wrung around him and the song reached its climax. You struck a pose, leg up, back bent, spent and debauched.

Silence.

You felt him move and stability was lost until you found yourself against the ground, his tentacles, four of them, wrapped around your limbs with one barely inches from the hem of your underwear. Him on top of you, mass displaced, at the limit of his ever-lasting patience.

“I hope you enjoyed the sho-”, that one tentacle slithered under and the others tightened. You held back a whimper, and he slithered further.

“I’ve been such a tease, have I not?”, you rolled your hips to meet his touch. This time, he made sure you couldn’t stay silent. Carefully removing your underwear and finding it completely drenched, he set it aside and slid his tentacle between your thighs. Like you’d been doing just moments before. Now who’s the tease?

Your clever hands threaded through his seams and ridges, landing on his interface panel - it was warm, and the biolights around it kept pulsing.

“You’ve been so patient with me, like always”, you kissed his visor, making his engines pick up the pace, “but you know, I did it for you, too”.

Of course, he knew. You were trying to impress him, entertain him, show him more of your wonderful world and make sure it remained engraved in his memory.

“You’re the only one I’ve ever performed for”, him, him and only him.

And oh, a confession. “I love it when you watch me”.

His engines flared and a hiss warned you he had released his spike. “But I like this better”.

#transformers x human #transformers #maccadam #valveplug #tfp valveplug #soundwave x reader #tfp soundwave

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niqhtlord01 · 2 days ago

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Humans are weird: Video Games Continued

Alien: What is this floor, and why is there so much killing upon it?

Human: Have you not seen the things you meet on it?

Alien: No, why?

Human: You’ll understand once you do. -------------

Alien: Why are these humans going back for blood?

Human: What?

Alien: If they are going back for it why didn’t they pick the blood up when they were there last time?

Human: A world overrun by worm zombies and this is what you focus on?

Alien: Inefficient time management will always be the deadliest of threats. --------------

Alien: Why is this baby in an egg?

Human: No idea.

Alien: What are these invisible creatures are stalking us?

Human: Got nada on that one.

Alien: For what reason does that other human have a golden mask?

Human: I honestly couldn’t tell ya.

Alien: Well what can you tell me about this then?

Human: You’re basically an amazon delivery driver heading up to an isolated compound and hoping it isn’t 2024 again. -----------

Alien: If you are part of an army of super soldiers, why do they always send you out in groups of 3?

Human: What do you mean?

Alien: Wouldn’t deploying even 10 of their kind at once provide absolute success in any mission you embark on?

Human: Only if one of them wasn’t from the Lamenters chapter. -----------

Alien: Why would vampires want to be on an island?

Human: I don’t understand your question, please expand it.

Alien: By your own history vampires can not cross running water, ergo they can not cross over water to get to an island; so why would vampires wish to go hunting for humans on the one place they would end up trapped on?

Human: But oceans are not running water.

Alien: Ocean water is constantly in motion via the rotation of the planet, therefore it is running water.

Human: It’s meant to be more about streams and rivers.

Alien: Yet both of those feed into oceans.

Human: I would say focus more on the vampire killing than the story, but after trying it myself I would say this discussion is a more enjoyable experience. ---------------------

Alien: Why are these humans going into hell?

Human: For democracy! ---------------------

Alien: You would think with this being the fourth game of the series they would have learned how to deal with zombie outbreaks.

Human: What do you mean? They already have a solution.

Human: If shooting them in the head doesn’t work, use more bullets.

Human: If that doesn’t work use an RPG.

Human: And if THAT doesn’t work then just nuke the whole area.

Alien: You went from, what is the sayin…… “0 to 100”, rather quickly there.

Human: Yeah, we tend to do that a lot when it comes to zombies.

------------------

Alien: What is your fascination with apocalyptic fallout aftermath?

Alien: You have so many mediums focused solely on this subject yet showing the harsh reality of the situation.

Human: In a way it is within our desire to break down society and from the ashes of the old try to make something better.

Alien: And has it worked?

Human: No.

Alien: Why do you say that?

Human: When the price for a better future is blood of innocents there are no winners. --------------------

Alien: Is this about going on a quest to destroy jewelry?

Human: No.

Alien: What about joining a fellowship to destroy evil?

Human: Nope.

Alien: Then what is the point of this?

Human: To grow potatoes and get high. --------------------

Alien: May I ask you a question?

Human: Isn’t that what you’ve been doing this entire time?

Alien: What is this event called the “Elder Scrolls Crusade”?

Human: It’s what happens when you dangle a game in front of gamers long enough without delivering and then the gamers get angry.

Alien: Ah, much like the “Grand Theft Massacre” then? ----------------------

Alien: Which Dynasty are these warriors fighting for?

Human: Whichever one has the most interesting color pallet.

Alien: What?

Human: I always side with blue myself. ---------------

Alien: I don’t know how I’m going to fight through this army of human soldiers with just a sword.

Human: Have you tried using the rotary grenade launcher?

Alien: What are you talking abo-

Human: *Proceeds to pull out M32A1 Grenade Launcher and blast their way through soldiers with spears and swords.

Alien: This feels unfair. ----------------

Alien: What makes this sequel different from the first one?

Human: It’s colder and there are even more pissed off people you need to deal with.

#humans are insane #humans are weird #humans are space oddities #humans are space orcs #scifi #writing #original writing #niqhtlord01 #funny #video games #console #PC #parody

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lilangeldeath · 3 days ago

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Things I have successfully manifested into 3D

you can believe me or not. i really don't care. i'm in my idgaf era bc when you care too much about what others think, your manifestations will fail because you're giving your power away. that's my personal belief. i will put what came in the 3D and then an example of the desire i persisted in parentheses next to it. these are from various time periods, but all have happened within the past 2-2.5 years once i started actually getting the hang of it all.

four of my friends ("i have mature, caring, loving friends that love me for who i am")

three no contact friends that had drifted out of my life, not from animosity but i missed them (same affirmation + "[insert names] are my close friends and we are always talking" + "[insert names] and i have such a deep connection as friends")

exposing people in my life who were bad for me in some way: trying to use me, manipulate me, lie to me, or just were bad people in the sense that they were toxic and bad for my life because even if they were nice to me, the way they lived their lives were toxic immature messes ("all secrets and lies are instantly exposed to me, no one can hide anything from me, i always know. all manipulators and toxic people are instantly exposed to me for what they are")

job interviews ("every company wants to interview me, they fight over me, they all want me to work for them")

escaping my abusive ex ("i have a safe place to live where my ex cannot bother me any more. i am permanently free of my ex for the rest of my life and now it's my time to shine")

keeping my job when i should have been fired multiple times for attendance, about 5 or 6 times, i had a period of time where i kept repeatedly getting seriously ill, people were passing away, other major life changes and impacts etc it was like the biblical plagues fr and at that time, the company i worked for did not care when those types of things happened to others and would give them the boot in ways that were really messed up ("the people at my job genuinely care about me, want me there, and they know i'm not lying about my life circumstances and will let me get away with whatever i need to in order to heal, rest, and come back to work")

a glow up that changed me from medium pretty/medium noticed to having people in my 3D rave about my beauty and personality ("i am so alluring and beautiful. i am so interesting. i am so magnetic and charismatic. people love looking at me and talking to me. people find me so intriguing and mesmerizing. my beauty sticks in peoples minds like a work of art")

here's my thoughts on how i did this and what i learned about manifestation through the hard and good times:

i really had to dig deep into my self concept and get out of a lack mentality. the lack mentality, fear, and anger led me down a path of things getting worse and worse. my old self was very obsessed with spending a lot of time angry about how hard i was trying both in the 3D and 4D yet things were only getting worse. i had convinced myself back then that there was no point in doing anything other than the absolute bare minimum to stay alive, and that oftentimes there wasn't any point to doing that either.

i feel like i went through a trial by fire, tested again and again to see how strong my faith was, being tested by my own self. i had to find a way to understand my 3D and 4D from my own perspective, as the whole "you cause everything in your 3D, you bring everything upon yourself" was the most annoying mentality i kept seeing when trying to learn about manifestation, as i think it's a chronically online and privileged point of view for out-of-touch people who have never experienced things like systemic poverty, sexism, racism, SA, abuse and more. i was tired of seeing egotistical and narcissistic manifestation content creators go on and on about how everyone is them, and how everything revolves around what they think is the right way to do things. the constant solipsism of victim blaming and lack of empathy for others. there is no right way. that is why i always say something is MY personal belief, not the standard or the rules.

yes i'm aware i keep talking shit on here. and i'm doing so because the vast majority of manifestation content had me so in a tizzy with how hypocritical and contradictory it was that it made me go nuts just trying to follow along. i'm not the type of person that can go along with woowoo shit that makes no logical sense. that's just not me. i am deeply spiritual but also deeply scientific. i believe manifestation, creation, whatever you want to call it, has to do with quantum physics and quantum entanglement, but that's for another post.

you really can create anything you want in your 3D as long as you make it be in a way that makes sense to YOU. for example, i personally choose not to manifest money in ways that seem over the top to me. i grew up in poverty and so affirming things like "i'm so rich, i'm a millionaire, i'm one of the wealthiest people in the world" was so annoying to me because i'm an anti-capitalist and i'd rather spend my time manifesting jobs and opportunities than try to convince myself that i'm a millionaire when i think rich people are inherently evil by nature, because through capitalism the only way you can get rich is by exploiting the less fortunate. that's an example of how i see things.

i don't dislike goddard's work, and i do truly find some of his work very useful and enlightening, i just wish so many people would stop trying to treat him like a cult leader or messiah. he didn't invent manifestation or the law of assumption. these things have been present in every single religion since the beginning of time. it's just new age rebranding of ancient cultures across the world. it's taking a bunch of different cultures and cherry picking them and putting them together to make money. it's like saying L Ron Hubbard invented the idea of reincarnation and that Gerald Gardener invented witchcraft. not saying that everyone who likes/follows the teachings of goddard do this, but from what i've seen in my personal life, many do. the power doesn't come from goddard, it comes from you. and you would have figured out that power anyways even if you never read goddard. we have been manifesting/creating since time immemorial and it's how our species evolved in general. that's my personal opinion. like i said, i find some of goddard's work very helpful and strongly resonates with me, but i think too many newbies get caught up in him like a cult leader and don't truly have any faith in themselves.

my issue in my old self was that i had no faith in myself OR in anyone else. i got tired of doing vaunts, scripting, void state, shifting, writing things down 99 times backwards and forwards, all those other things. it just got annoying and felt like i was being a psycho like jack on the shining writing "all work and no play makes jack a dull boy" over and over. it was just turning into madness instead of me facing what my real problems back then were. and i see a lot of that on here and other sites. you have to be able to get over yourself and grow up. i learned that the hard way, and i'm being harsh in some of what i'm saying to hopefully "break the glass" of illusion on anyone who may be struggling with the same things i did. i am no point of authority or leader of any kind, i just want to share how i think and what worked for me.

i am going to be posting some affirmations and tips that have to do with wavering, persistence, 3D vs 4D etc. and I honestly don't like to use a lot of the buzzwords but what I call these things is very private to me and it will be easier for others to read and understand if i just use the buzzwords. thanks xoxoxo

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lisziztaken · 2 days ago

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In universe, my two main issues with this newest take on their dynamic:

There is a really in-depth (however rationally sound is whole other issue but I think effort and focus is the point here) discussion about Bruce’s motives and thoughts regarding each of the steps he takes in how/why he saves Joker’s life. You see the negotiation. And you sort of see more of how he looks at Joker and the impact of the injuries and the actions etc. Which is in an insanely stark clear contrast to when it comes to Jason. I’m not saying that we should be reliving the death of the second Robin every other Wednesday and by god I do not want to, but since this is the problem we are tackling and the storyline we are choosing to (re)visit, then it would feel pretty hollow for Bruce just go “you know it’s my fault and just take it out on me and call it a day”. It doesn’t make sense that there is so much less struggle in the decision to beat up/brutalize/shoot Jason, that all of it could be compressed into two pages.

DEAR LORD WHAT THE HELL “YOU KNOW IT’S MY FAULT I FAILED YOU I SHOULD HAVE PROTECTED YOU YOU WERE JUST A KID” sandwiched right in between shooting him in the face?? And throwing him into a car???? Why??? I’m not taking the route of “what kind of message are you trying to send with the gaslighting etc”, and the morality of the whole situation aside, just, the actions and the dialogues make no sense literally. Just looking at these panels now, it’s pissing me off. You have Bruce taking the first shot (in defense of the Joker. Again very interesting that we always prefer non-lethal/deescalating tactics but not when Jason is involved because manufactured conflicts but whatever), then the physical conformation, then AMIDST that he tried to change tactic, and Jason rejects the sudden change of course and physical comfort, thus the panels pin him as the aggregator, paving the way for another “Bruce tries his best Jason impulsively lashes out and refuses to look past something”. Once again at this point it’s not even about the direction of the story anymore, it’s how you choose to tell it. Like gaslight the character but own it??? If you want Bruce saying it’s all his fault to feel like a moment of truth and vulnerability and redemption, or even a tactic to solve the problem, then the storyboard should serve that purpose. At the moment it feels immensely like he’s trying to absolve his past and present and future actions by saying words and then not doing anything about it, and it’s hard to root for that. It’s hard to side with it. I knew what I was in for when I saw the cover yet I bought the comic 😭😭😭😭😭

Jason is the poster child for the child soldier problem of Robin but that doesn’t mean Jason himself believes that in-universe.

Really this feels like a cope on Bruce’s part. To be at fault for something is painful but it comes with the benefit of being able to fix or at least avoid the problem next time.

DC will never bother write Jason with enough depth to explore the idea but I really think he would never ever begrudge Bruce for making him Robin. Robin was everything to him. Hope, family, opportunity, agency. Yes it was dangerous but there’s a difference between facing danger for a purpose and dealing with it just to survive. Look at difference between Jason before Robin and afterwards. It’s truly a demonstration of how the effectiveness of nobility is a luxury the desperate are denied.

#Ramblings #My personal rant #about Batman 159

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gudfornuthin · 2 days ago

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The Baker and the Ballerina

Chapter six

Pairing: Frank Castle x fem!reader (au)

Summary: Frank confronts the workers. Y/N confronts Frank. The pair come up with the best possible solution to their problems.

Word count: 2k

Series warnings: slow burn, cliché tropes, mentions of PTSD, mentions of abusive relationships, (eventual) smut, violence

A/N: I wrote this ahead of time as I’m on holiday. Hope you all enjoy, and feedback is always appreciated :)

Frank has been stood in the same place behind the bakery counter for at least half an hour. Unmoving, glaring through the window and towards the building across the street. To be more specific, his focus is on the workers lounging around outside of said building, chatting to each other and doing a whole lot of nothing. Of course, Frank knows they deserve their time off, but this wasn't just a quick break. This was them taking the piss. And it was starting to annoy him.

David moves around him, packing up orders and serving customers. He's aware of his friend's cold stare piercing the men on the other side of the road, trying to focus his attention elsewhere.

"Frank, buddy, this isn't any of your business," David says, passing a bag to an old lady over the counter. "You're always telling me to focus on work, so how's what you're doing any different?"

"It's completely different," Frank mumbles back, still not taking his eyes off the workers. "They're taking advantage of her."

David nods in agreement. "Yeah, and that's awful. But Y/N told you herself, she doesn't wanna cause problems and this isn't any of your business."

Frank crosses his arms, knowing his friend is right yet still feeling like he needs to do something. Just as thoughts of the young woman cross his mind, he sees Y/N leave the building and walk past the workers. Her heads down and the grip on her bag is tight. She's more than uncomfortable and Frank knows that.

As she brushes past the workers, they begin to ogle her, scanning up and down like she's a piece of meat. They start whispering amongst themselves and laughing. Frank doesn't need to hear what they're saying to know he doesn't like it. He knows the disgusting things those kinds of men say to each other when in close proximity to a beautiful woman. He grunts under his breath and moves around the counter, heading for the front door.

"Frank, hey where're you-" David doesn't finish his sentence as Frank leaves the bakery and crosses the road. He shakes his head and continues working, muttering under his breath. "Pain in my ass, Castle."

Frank checks to make sure Y/N is definitely gone, not wanting her to see what he's about to do. Just a quick word to set them straight. That's all.

One of the workers spots him making his way over to them, noticing the obvious frown on his face. "Can we help you, bud?"

"Yeah, just wanted to ask you fellas a question?" his gruff voice sets the tone for where this conversation is going. "You think it's tough and manly to objectify women?"

The worker huffs out a laugh. "Beg your pardon?"

"You heard me asshole," Frank continues. "You get paid to sit on your asses all day and make her feel uncomfortable?"

They start to catch on that the person in question he's talking about is the woman who hired them to do work on the studio. They all look between each other, unsure who's going to stand up to the less than happy muscle man.

The original worker who spoke first risks it, feeling overly confident. "Listen pal, we're just taking a break, and I don't think any of this concerns you. I mean, what? You her boyfriend or somethin'?"

Frank almost says yes, wondering if it would change their attitude, but decides not to. no point making things more complicated.

"No, but that doesn't matter," Frank says. "She's nice. Been way nicer than what you guys deserve. So I'd suggest you stop acting like a bunch of jackoffs and do the job she's hired you to do."

All of the men are stood up now, burning holes into Frank's head.

The main worker steps closer to him. "We'll get the job done, and we'll drain her of all the cash she's got if we want to. So why don't you mind your damn business and go back to making your little puff pastries."

Frank is prepared to retaliate, but her voice plays in the back of his head. Don't want to cause any problems. He knows she's right, and they're not worth it. He'll never be able to get through to them. So just leave it be.

Frank doesn't say anything else as he turns to walk away from the heated confrontation. Take the high road. Unfortunately, the worker isn't thinking the same thing.

He hears the man snort under his breath. "No boyfriend means she's free game."

Frank sighs, looking down and placing his hands on his hips. High road be damned. He doesn't give the worker much time to react before he's turned back around and punched him square in the jaw. The man yelps, stumbling back and onto the floor. The others jump up and stalk towards Frank but hesitate slightly.

"Go ahead," Frank snaps at them, his arms out wide. "Try something." They all remain still, none of them willing to test his already thin patience. He moves away from the shocked group, heading back towards the bakery. He already knows his actions will come back and bite him in the ass. He also knows it was worth it.

David watches on, rubbing his eyes in desperation. "Just great, Frank, you dumb idiot."

- - -

It's early morning the following day, and Frank is walking to Bakehouse 31. Surprise, surprise, the workers had called the cops and reported the incident from the day before. Although he explained to them that it was provoked assault, they still put it on his report and set bail for him to be released from jail. Frank owes David big for paying that out.

As he gets closer to the bakery, he hears quick footsteps following behind him as well as his name being called. He knows it's Y/N and turns around, happy to see her. That is until he notices the angry expression on her face.

"You have some nerve, you know that?" Y/N says, arriving in front of him and standing almost toe to toe.

"What're you talking about?" Frank feigns innocence, already knowing exactly what she's referring to.

"You seriously think you can go around punching people in the face?"

"I can when the people are saying awful shit about you."

Frank tries to go into a deeper explanation, but she stops him, rubbing her forehead in distress. "Well, thanks to you, they've quit on me and left an unfinished job at the studio."

Frank knows it's wrong, but the news fills him with relief. The idea of those men being over there and gawking at Y/N, objectifying her whenever they wanted to made him feel sick. He hates to have complicated things for her, but if he could go back in time and change what he did? He wouldn't.

Frank sighs. "Look, I'm sorry-"

Y/N shakes her head. "I get you were upset with what they were saying. I was too. But now because of this, the studio has no chance of opening even close to on time and I'll need to hire new workers for even more money!"

She can't help but yell out the last part, startling Frank and a few people passing by the pair. Tears start to form in her eyes as she looks down at the ground. Now is not the time to cry in front of the good-looking baker. Frank sees, and puts both hands on her shoulders, rubbing slightly, trying to provide any kind of comfort.

"God, what am I gonna do?" she whispers through her hands covering her face.

"I'll do it," Frank says the words without much thought.

Y/N looks up at him in confusion. "You'll do what?"

"I'll finish the work on your studio," he shrugs, as if what he's just proposed isn't a big deal.

Y/N continues staring at him, unsure of how to respond. Despite her current anger aimed towards the man in front of her, the offer is incredibly sweet and deep down she knows she'd accept in a heartbeat. That is, of course, if Frank did this kind of work for a living.

"Uh, I dunno-"

"Hey, I did all the work on Bakehouse 31 by myself," Frank says. "I can make the place look professional. And I've been told I'm really good with my hands."

The last sentence makes Y/N feel flushed, smiling as her mood lightens. She contemplates for a moment, trying to weigh any pros and cons that may present themselves to her. Pro, she gets her dream studio and spends more time with the handsome baker. Con, she spends more time with the handsome baker and her feelings for him start to move into dangerous territory.

One other thing plays on her mind that she knows has to be brought up. "It's not like you have free time, you're busy with the bakery."

Frank waves her off. "S'fine, I can work on it in the evenings. I'd be willing to work through the night for you." Her face is really hot now. "Frank-"

He interrupts. "I have trouble sleeping most nights, might be nice to have something to do while I'm up."

Y/N pauses briefly, thinking it all through. If he's offering, how can she possibly say no?

She laughs slightly, shocked at how fast the plans crashed around her just to be built back up again. "Okay! I guess we're doing this." Frank smiles, holding out a hand for her to shake in mock agreement.

She does so, smiling back.

"So how much d'you want to do it?" Y/N asks, knowing the money side of things can't be put off.

"Nope," Frank replies. "I don't need you to pay me."

She looks at him with wide eyes, scoffing. "I'm not gonna let you do overtime work for free."

Frank scratches the back of his neck, appearing nervous and shuffling his feet. "How bout in exchange for working on the studio, you go on a date with me?"

Y/N feels like she could explode. Her first thought is to immediately say yes because obviously. When a guy as attractive as Frank asks you out, it's a sin not to agree to it. But flashes of her ex-boyfriend pass through her brain, as nerves begin to take over. What if it's the same thing all over again? Could she take that risk?

Frank seems to notice her hesitation, mistaking it for rejection. "Sorry, maybe I read this wrong I just thought-"

"No, no!" Y/N is quick to shut down his worry. "It's not that." She stops for a moment, accepting that now would be the best time to mention Jonah to Frank. If she wants this to go anywhere with him at least.

"I was in this relationship with a guy not too long ago," she rolls her eyes just thinking about it. "It ended….. messy to say the least. And I'm terrified of rushing into a new one and not being ready for it. Then what if it ruins the friendship we've built and with you also wanting to do work on the studio I-"

She's beginning to run out of breath as she tries explaining her reasons to the man in front of her. she's unaware of how close he's standing until he's resting his hands on either side of her face and looking deeply into her eyes. She stops talking, entranced by his soft stare.

"Hey, it's alright," he says. "We don't have to call it a date. It's just two friends working on the studio together, hanging out, and maybe eating some Chinese food."

Y/N nods, her head still cupped gently in Frank's strong hands. "I like Chinese food."

"Good," Frank replies. "So we'll just take it easy. One small step at a time."

She nods once more. "I'd like that."

- - -

Taglist: @nialhero-blog @luvrgirlsworld @britt217 @solstararis @legit9thlunaticwarrior

#frank castle x reader #the punisher x reader #frank castle #the punisher #jon bernthal x reader #jon bernthal #marvel #x reader

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russetfoxfur · 3 days ago

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okay so i went a bit insane about the examination of agency in the nightmare's routes, and then this evolved into a deeper examination of the rest of nightmare's whole deal. i am not an analyst so please take everything i say with a grain of salt, but. you know. i find her whole character to be very interesting. rambles under the cut.

okay, so every route the princess begins by being chained to a wall. this is the first thing she knows. she appears to be the ideal of a damsel in distress - she can't move, can't fight on her own at first, can be easily stabbed if your perception of her stays as a damsel in distress. she has no agency in this. she is forced to wait in the cabin until you, an unknown monster-looking thing comes along explicitly to kill her. and if you're quick and doubtless, she ends her life just as it began - born in a chain in a cabin, died in a chain in a cabin. and that's how you get the spectre.

now, the nightmare you can get on either harsh or soft princess. she's unique in this - as far as i remember, the only other princess like this is the stranger, where you don't meet her at all. (please correct me if i'm wrong though, i'm new to this fandom). and - as pointed out in another analysis, though i can't find it now - she's like this because she speaks to the foundational fear that all princesses have, which is going unperceived. she adapts based on what you are, and while she'll treat you differently if you try to kill her or save her at first, she will always revert to the nightmare when you meet her and then refuse to engage with her at all.

by refusing to perceive her you take away her agency. when you fight her she at least has the chance to fight back. if you manage to stab her in the heart she can at least provoke you into wondering if she's actually dead. but she has so little agency here, fighting for scraps to keep herself alive in the face of a construct that desperately wants her dead, and you leaving her alone says that you don't even see her as someone who's a threat. while slaying her means seeing her as an apocalypse in the making, and freeing her means seeing her as a pitiful thing locked up in a harsh cabin, leaving her alone means seeing her as absolutely nothing at all.

so she fights back. she slips her chains to try and escape from the cabin on her own terms. i genuinely don't think the shutting-down-the-organs thing is a lie on her part - she doesn't really lie, not unless you think she can, and she doesn't want to kill you at all, as evidenced in her chapter II. she knew you were the key to her escape, and then (in her eyes) you have the spite and sheer audacity to kill yourself just when her freedom is in view, just before she can leave for good. you kill yourself just to make sure she can't have the option of leaving at all.

so, to recap: she's locked up, you abandon her, she tries to escape, you die, she dies.

when we come back to her, the cabin bends to her will. her chains are nowhere in sight - whether they existed in the first place is a mystery. what i find interesting is the sort of prelude to her appearance - when you descend into the basement, you're given a choice between staying, running for the stairs, turning left, or turning right.

no matter which way you go, she always finds you.

she gives you the false choice this time. while before you'd spoken to her, tempted her with freedom and autonomy and agency, you'd snatched it away and left her with the worst fate she can imagine. now she's giving it to you - she tempts you with freedom and agency, and then she snatches it away by showing up no matter where you turn. no one ever talks about it but it's just. she'd said so many things to try and coerce/persuade you into helping her leave, and no matter what she'd said you'd left her anyway. you try and go any way to avoid meeting her and facing the princess again, but no matter which way you go she'll always find you.

anyway.

you pass out a few times as paranoid begins his chant, she reacts with mild curiosity and annoyance, and then you're free to question her. someone else pointed out that her mask never changes - it's frozen in this teasing smile, almost like she's smiling over the pain. (which she definitely is, considering what happens in the leadup to MoC.) she repeatedly reinstates her desire to leave and now gleefully talks about the world ending. what has it ever done for her, anyway? she also teases lq with death, just like he teased her with freedom. an eye for an eye.

a few highlights of her dialogue: when told that she's a lunatic, she responds, "I am what I am. And right now, what I am is in control." she also then teases him with death again. how the tables have turned. if you've got the knife, you can tell her you might just kill her instead, to which she warns the player and then says, "This place is mine. And I'm not giving you the stairs unless I'm leaving with you." she then demonstrates you by trapping you in the cabin if you decide to slay her right then and there. everything else is pretty standard - talking about her plans when she's free, talking about what happened after she died. these are interesting in their own right, but not for this analysis.

then, once you've exhausted all dialogue options, you have a few more options, three of which lead to chapter IIIs which have interesting takes on agency as well. you can remain with her, run, leave with her, or (if you have the knife) stab her.

both running and remaining - seemingly opposing actions - lead to the same outcome: the moment of clarity. this happens when you've finally exhausted all other possible outcomes, and all that's left for you to do is to let. her. out. you have no other choice - they're all grayed out. whether it's a broken hero or your own amnesia-blocked trauma doing this is anyone's guess, but the fact remains.

in the leadup to the moment of clarity, she takes off her mask, the thing that's kept her seeming morbidly cheerful and playful throughout the rest of the route despite her multiple open threats and gleeful hatred of the world. the narrator describes, in detail, a horrific existence which she is baring to you in an attempt to get you to help her to leave. she takes off her mask, stops playing nice with you, and tries to get you to see her side of the story, tries to get you to at least pity her and leave.

it's so bad the narrator stops narrating and refuses to go on.

think about this. this is the guy who narrates the entirety of the fury sequence, cool and calm. he describes the nightmarish cabin matter-of-factly a few minutes before, which hero points out. he isn't bothered by you getting killed except that it means his plans are ruined and the world is doomed, and he tells you about various gruesome deaths such as being crushed by vines or watching the prisoner chop her own head off. the only other times i can think of that he despairs like this is when you fail your mission (by freeing or dying to the princess) or when he himself is in danger (getting burned up by apotheosis, getting controlled by the tower). but in nightmare, the vision is so horrible that he cannot stand going on. (paranoid also stops chanting at this time, but he does that before when his concentration is broken. narry is notably VERY DEAD SET on his goal of slaying the princess. he's not like this!)

what this vision is exactly, i cannot tell, but for the sake of this analysis i'm going to interpret it as what she is, behind the mask, behind the facade of a vessel. shifty offloads the nature of her existence, the purest distillation of change - a lifetime, the circle of life, bloom and decay and burgeoning rot over and over and over again, success and fame turning into scandals and dishonor and poverty, humans living and changing into monsters or saints, every choice you make irreversibly altering the tapestry of time you are a part of. she represents the future and its unpredictable nature, and people trying to adapt to changing societal pressures and failing to evolve fast enough, and each unlucky twist of fate that leads to ruin and despair. she is survival of the fittest, and she is testing you.

this is what the nightmare is, under the mask. a monster, a murderer, the essence of death and destruction. this is what you are denying agency.

in this light, refusing shifty's offer of godhood seems almost reasonable. maybe she's trapped here for a reason. death is... pretty bad, isn't it? if our cool-headed narrator doesn't want her out, maybe there's a reason for that. maybe he's loved and lost - maybe he's seeing reflections of himself, in the princess' experiences, and the reason why he's so set on you slaying her is to prevent this nightmare from happening to anyone else.

you die, of course. you have the audacity to die. and when you wake again - we don't know whether she's hopeful you've learned the error of your ways, or whether she's still as forceful as in chapter II, but one thing's for certain - she doesn't win. you still act as the prison guard. you still keep her away from her only goal, and you become determined to keep it that way.

so you guard the door. you slay her. you romance her and question her and murder her and you end up with different voices, each time, different fragments of change that help you evolve to fight her but you always end up with the same princess with the same goal and nothing's getting better and you keep on denying her freedom because she's clearly awful and you're clearly the guard to an irredeemable prisoner.

from her perspective, mind you, she's been locked in a room for no reason, teased with escape, accidentally killed you while trying to leave, entertained your faints and questions, bared her soul to you in order to get you to understand why leaving her alone is such a bad idea, and then you died and promptly doubled down on your decision.

it's hell for her! she doesn't know why you're doing this! she's forced to react to your actions, because you're the one who can take the knife and you're the one who can leave! she lashes out! how dare you! how dare you keep her trapped here! why can't she leave! why can't she be the one in control of her fate! why do you hate her so much, that you are willing to die over and over just to keep her trapped?

so she lashes out at you. she takes vengeance on her captor, and she hunts you again and again, eroding away your defiance loop by painstaking loop. we don't know exactly what she did. we probably don't want to. but it's bad enough to break the voices, shatter many of them beyond recognition, and outright deny us our autonomy in a way that's only otherwise seen in tower.

and i'm not saying she's a saint! i know this whole analysis i've been on her side but that's because most people aren't! she's undeniably cruel to lq, but the thing most people forget is he was cruel first! she is a creature of perception and he denies her even that basic privilege! and she reacts violently! she lashes out and tries to threaten him into staying! has no qualms with sacrificing the world if she can get out! the nightmare cranks the abandonment anxiety of all the princesses up and adds a vicious vengeance to her as well!

but also. this route shows how hero isn't quite so perfect as he appears to be. you get this route by taking hero's third option, which satisfies no one. (it's also worth noting that HEA is also hero's call.) you abandon her, she who literally never has met anyone beside yourself, and that breaks her. so she tries to cling onto you. she possesses you and shatters you and threatens you and wants you there because she knows nothing else and she's already fractured from shifty's splintering, she can't fracture further, so she'll squeeze and claw for any bit of companionship she can get. she'll hunt you down for sport if it means she can spend a few minutes with you perceiving her. she's lonely is what she is. and she's reacting in the worst way possible.

where were we? oh, right. moment of clarity.

eventually, though, after untold numbers of loops where you keep doggedly trying to keep her locked away, she breaks through. she exhausts your options, traumatizes you, forces you to let her out. she will not be defeated. she will have her way. she makes sure of it.

what i also find interesting is that you're not scared of her anymore. paranoia isn't chanting away in the background. there's no more fear - just resignation. no one's happy with your third option, just as the narrator said back when you made it in the first cabin - everyone just wants it to end, and the only voice of dissent is the narrator, who doesn't even remember what's happened and doesn't know how awful it is to keep on trudging through the same, unchanging story over and over and over again. it's not new, or exciting, or changing anymore. it's just painful. you should really just let her out.

ah, but you might be wise enough not to try and pick that third option, and instead choose the more traditional two options - leaving or slaying.

leaving with the nightmare, like most chapter II endings, is pretty straightforward - you comply with her wishes and let. her. out. if you have the knife, there's a fun moment where paranoid says 'fuck you' to the narrator, but otherwise you give her her agency again. you allow her out. you've learned the error of your ways - now you'll let her free.

and, granted, she does wish death onto the world, but - as detailed above - she does kinda deserve it. i'd let her. she should kill people. i want to watch it happen :3

but if you choose to slay her, she reacts not with indignance but with gleeful wickedness. she can't believe you - a paranoid, helpless thing that she'd decided was barely a person at all, just a key that kept getting stuck in the lock, just a helpless little birdie who couldn't even stay alive in the face of her beauty and power - actually killed her! she's too surprised to be angry, i think. and then that surprise turns into realization - she's already figured out that you were always going to keep coming back until you let. her. out, and she can feel herself changing as a result of your changing perception.

and thus we meet the wraith.

while she has the same dialogue no matter where you kill her, you get different voices depending on where you do it - oppy on the stairs/in the cabin, cold if you do it in the basement. you're also forced to kill yourself either way - she tosses you into the void if you betray her, and you're stuck in the basement if you kill her in the basement since, as mentioned before, she won't give you the stairs. you die either from biology or suicide, and then you go into the wraith.

the wraith is a vengeful creature, and for good reason. she tried being nice to you! she tried talking to you, then tried threatening you, then tried forcing you. but you keep refusing! you keep dying, stubbornly, before you can reach her... you keep killing her before she can reach the outside... you keep teasing her with freedom! you keep her away from freedom, so tantalizingly close yet far.

and she's done being nice. she's seen where that's gotten her - a paranoid corpse and a knife through her heart. it's not her fault you keep dying! you just can't help being so afraid of a shackled princess that you're willing to kill yourself to be rid of her! so she's going to take it by force. she'll be evil. that's the only way things get done around here.

so she transforms into the wraith, a half-dead thing with a skeletal grin and grasping claws. you're introduced to her when she twists your ankle and drags you down to her level. she also explains that she was so, so close to freedom last time, but then you locked her away, killed her, and took her body away from her. so she's going to take your body away and march out that door, and you're going to be completely helpless during all of this, just like she was.

interestingly, she also limits your freedom, just like she did last time - if you ask her questions twice, she'll cut you off and take over your body then and there. she's done entertaining your frivolous questions. she wants to leave. let. her. out. she also goes ahead and possesses you without a second thought if you try to struggle or give up

a few interesting highlights from these explore options: you can claim that you were a victim in all of this, and she says, "Just because someone hurt you doesn't mean you get a free pass to hurt anyone else." some delicious hypocrisy there, wraith, as the voices point out. but perhaps she doesn't even see you as someone who can hurt, thus justifying her possession and torture of you. someone who can hurt would have sympathy for the poor locked up princess in the dark basement, and they certainly wouldn't lock her away and stab her to death. only heartless people do that, and heartless people can't be hurt. if you tell her that possessing you is evil, she says, "After all you've done, why would I ever care what you think of me?" she's past the point of evil and not-evil. to her, you're evil - you hurt her first, after all. whether a villain sees a hero as evil is irrelevant; to her, you're means to an end, an end that is always dancing just out of reach. possessing you is a necessary step to her goal.

she then possesses you.

now that she's in your head, she realizes that you also have voices in your head. oppy is immediately on wraith's side, because of course he is, and cold's a bit ambivalent about the whole ordeal (as he often is), though he's leaning toward your side. narry and hero are mortified, as they are wont.

if you struggle as she possesses you, paranoid's able to save up a bit of will and uses it to help you defy her one last time. first you lock her away in the basement, then you stab her, then you are literally willing to kill yourself and fall forever to be rid of her. she's sadistic as she tries to force you to move, but if you want to - because you're the one with agency here, still, even as she forces you to shamble toward the door on a broken ankle, even as she usurps your body and forces you to watch - you can throw yourself out the window.

as you fall, she asks you why you hate her. why you've always hated her. why you didn't trust her when you locked her away, why you decided to stab a knife through someone who didn't even want to kill you, why you defied her even with a shattered ankle and her voice in your head. why you decided your autonomy was more worthy than hers, way back at the start, back when she didn't even want to kill you. why you hated her into the nightmare, and then the wraith. why you decided she was better off alone and abandoned.

and honestly? you might have a valid reason at this point. she did break your ankle, after all. she did shut down your organs and act gleeful about the end of the world. she's a monster. she's sadistic and cruel and horrible and she possessed you, for goodness' sake! you've been trying to defend yourself against a threat! you're literally dying all the time near nightmare, and wraith greets you by breaking your ankle! like, i understand why people hate her! i'm not saying she's a good person! no one is, in this series! that's part of the appeal!!!

but she never even tried to kill you. (to those who are going to say well what about the organs-shutting-down-thing, think about it rationally: she needs you to get out. you fainting and dying isn't helping her. it's an active detriment. if she could control it, she probably wouldn't do it, because you being dead just shunts you back into the same hellvoid again.) she never locked you away forever. that was you. you keep taunting her with freedom and then shutting her away. you killed her and trapped her and, to her, you forced her into this. you forced her to hurt you and possess you and make you fear her. this isn't her fault. this is yours. for locking her away, for killing her, for denying her her one wish. she tried, in that first chapter. and you decided she wasn't worth the time of day.

personally, i would've made this choice also branch off into MoC. this game doesn't do fourth chapters - and i understand why - but i feel like it would've been fulfilling. she finally gets her freedom after you kill her and kill yourself and lock her away and keep her from getting out. you wouldn't even have to change much - you've already proven you're not going to let her out again. who's to say that the wraith wasn't one of MoC's iterations, and that the voices leading the charge then were also able to store some will and kill themselves before she could escape?

and maybe they were right. we don't know what happened between the nightmare and MoC, and we never will. maybe she was horrifically cruel, an unfeeling maniac. maybe she was pleading to be let out, and you weren't having that. maybe she was doing both. what we know is she never left the cabin.

finally, i want to draw attention to what, exactly, shifty says about each vessel. she gives us our best glimpse into each vessel's psyche, as someone who is part of them. her little speech often endears me to the princess i delivered, even if i wasn't very fond of her.

for the nightmare, she states, "This one is filled with sadness. A doll abandoned to the company of her darkest impulses. She desires only companionship, but the only thing she knows is how to hurt. She will make for a tender heart."

this reinforces what i've been saying throughout the whole analysis - most of the nightmare's nightmarish qualities come from her desperate need to be perceived by someone else. to be known. you doom her to a life of eternal loneliness, so she gives into her darkest urges and hurts you, over and over again, to try and win you over. she doesn't know how to do otherwise.

for the moment of clarity she states, "This one is a waiting maw. An inevitable destination where all roads end. She will make for a wise heart."

she chased you over and over until you broke, waiting for you to shatter and let her out. no matter what you tried to do, no matter which choices you made or roads you took, she awaited you, and you awaited her. she was made wise through your attempts to defy her, and eventually she won the long game. it was inevitable, really. you did your best. there's just a pecking order, and you'll always be at the bottom.

and about the wraith she states: "This one is loneliness turned to seething. She could not find her strength in others, so she found it in herself. She will make for a driven heart."

when you refused to save her, when you defied her over and over, she realized she couldn't rely on you to save her. you took everything she had away from her. so she took everything you had - a pristine blade, a free body - away from you instead. she used to be lonely, scared - but now she is powerful, hateful, laughing even as you throw her out a window in a spiteful act of defiance. you monster.

but eventually, inevitably, finally, she rejoins the shifting mound as one of her many perspectives. she finds peace, finally, in the eternal choir of the vessels.

do not mourn her. she is not alone anymore.

...

this analysis is not in defense of her actions - she does do some pretty fucked up things in this! pro tip: do not break people's ankles and then possess them, and also do not torture someone and break their will. just a suggestion.

but the reason i'm making this analysis is that so many people will say that nightmare/MoC (and tower, though this analysis isn't about her (but i love her very much and she was so valid for mind controlling the narrator)) is a horrible irredeemable bitch, and then they'll turn around and praise smitten/oppy/cold.

and that feels... more than a little hypocritical to me. oppy is literally a backstabbing bastard who allies with the person who has the most power - he literally tries to stab you in patd! he is born out of the decision to betray the princess when she's finally thought she could trust you, similarly to the nightmare, except this time you're killing her instead of locking her away. in HEA, he decides that free food is worth more than the princess' happiness, and in thorn he wants to stab the princess because of her newfound vulnerability.

and yet i've seen so many analyses of his behavior! so many people excusing him as a sopping wet cat who just doesn't want to die. and it's like, well, okay, i'm not going to stop you from liking oppy. i'm not a cop. i can get why you might like a morally gray kinda sneaky character. but it just feels a little misogynistic when you hate the nightmare, who also resorts to desperate measures in order to not die, don'tcha think?

or cold! i'm gonna be honest i'm a bit more favorable of cold, but he still advocates for killing the princess when he thinks it'll be interesting. he is literally born when you don't even try to hear the princess out in the first place, coldly stabbing her without a second thought. he values novelty over pain. and yet people will praise him and then turn around and criticize the tower for not caring about you at all!

ugh. i just... hate the shifty neg, you know? so many ppl hate her for being 'manipulative' and 'self-centered' while completely ignoring your own hand in shaping her! she is a creature of perception, after all - the damsel and the tower are wildly different, and they both change based on how you act. each princess is a reflection of your own thoughts toward her. and people hate on the nightmare for *checks script* trying to leave the basement she was locked into, and then reacting violently when the only person she's ever known decides to keep her trapped, possibly for forever. like, you all see why she'd do that, right.

...also, like. god forbid women do anything. even if she did do all that organ-shutting-down stuff of her own volition, good for her. she should do it more. she should kill everyone who disagrees with her. she was locked in a basement and abandoned by the first person she met i think she deserves to kill and slaughter.

andddd end of post! again i am NOT, like, a practiced analyst. there are almost certainly things i got wrong during this, and feel free to bring those up in the comments! i will admit this got a bit out of hand and turned halfway into a gushing-about-nightmare post.

also i just want to reiterate that this analysis explores her motives and explains why she's Like That, and again i am not trying to say she's a precious cinnamon roll. just that she's got some reasons for doing what she does.

ALSO ALSO PLEASE DO NOT MAKE THIS POST ABOUT THE VOICES THIS POST IS ABOUT THE NIGHTMARE AND HER ITERATIONS!!! MAKE YOUR OWN POST!!!

alright! that's it! russet out!

#stp meta #stp princess #stp nightmare #stp the nightmare #stp wraith #stp the wraith #stp moment of clarity #stp moc #stp the moment of clarity #slay the princess #stp analysis #flickering lights in empty cityscapes #russet rambles #between the lines #im running off four hours of sleep here (had to catch a flight) please do not be mean in the notes #also at some point i want to add a bit about them at the end pf everything. since you literally see through their eyes

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p0rk-guts · 1 day ago

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Yapping about The Stolas Animation™️ everyone's been in a tizzy about because this is MY blog and I get to treat it like my personal diary.

Not going into the surrounding drama of the video because i hate drama and it's always a fucking headache. I'm gonna talk about the content of the animation, the song, and my interpretation of them together!!! (Contains discussions of suicide. Obviously)

First off. THE ANIMATION IS AMAZING. But you already knew that. The portrayal of Stolas we see for the first two thirds of it is clearly something dissimilar to his portrayal throughout the entire series thus far—much more callous and cold than playful and cheeky like we knew him to be—so to me it seemed like a portrayal of how Blitz sees Stolas and how he thinks Stolas truly felt of feels about him. Especially since each of those scenes was interjected with clips of Blitzo staggering through that white empty mind scape with the golden feathers like we saw when he was tripping and imagining him in truth seekers.

I also love how the lyrics so perfectly line up to what's happening—"who's gonna rescue you when you're lost at sea? Who's gonna love you if it isn't me?" These lyrics precede clips where Moxxie and Millie— who HAVE rescued him and who WILL love him even if Stolas won't— showing us how Blitz is so deep in his self hatred that he can't even see that despite thinking he isn't loved or worthy of loving that he IS.

The clips of Stolas are more than just Blitz's mind fucking with him though, for us we see just how ironic it is that Stolas could be saying any of this in the FIRST place. "Who's gonna rescue you when you're lost at sea": Stolas NEVER rescued Blitz in any way! (Headcanon here but) Stolas' obsessive yearning for him just made Blitz mirror those feelings of affection in late season 2 (because there were NO signs of Blitz reciprocating or feeling anything other than disdain and ANNOYANCE for Stolas initially)! He wanted that equally returned love and not to once again miss expectations and miss what he saw as his fleeting chance for love!

Anyways anyways ranted and got off topic. If anything Blitz was always the one rescuing Stolas. I also think it's interesting that that lyric fell on a clip of Stolas mocking at one of the goetia parties despite the fact that he was always miserable at them. You could even say that Blitz trying to steal the book -> their night together -> Stolas divorcing Stella was some roundabout instance of Blitz "rescuing" Stolas from his loveless marriage. But that's more of a crazy take I think Stolas would have floating around in his head

And my FAVORITE line of the animatic (and probably the whole song)— "And who's gonna love you if it isn't me?". Obviously. Like we said. He has love surrounding him already! Even in Loona too I guess! Pairing this lyric with Stella wrapped around his arm looking withdrawn while he stands front and center not even acknowledging her?? From the fictitious Blitz perspective we're shown, I saw this as Blitz seeing himself as an unnecessary stain in Stolas' perfect pristine life. Technically, he's married, or was (does Blitz even know they're divorced??? Lol I don't remember), and his entire presence just detracts from this fictitious image of high class excellence and composure he had.

Meanwhile, Stolas did try to maintain their marriage the best he could, but he never loved Stella at every point in the story we've seen so far he doesn't consider her at all. Tbf, she's pretty abusive and insane, but he really did jump through hoops to excuse his cheating and later on didn't even consider how her presence in Octavia's life could affect her (these are all tied to greater issues with the show ignoring Stella's existence but I digress).

Stella is just a prop in this image. She was just a tool for Paimon to get Stolas to produce an heir and keep the goetia conveyor belt moving, and likely even a tool to her own (largely) absent family so she could be used to grow familial wealth and status. Beyond her "liking to torment him", she's never shown to have ANY other feelings about. Anything really. Other than what, liking parties? Her reserved portrayal alludes to her having more feelings and thoughts about everything happening around her but whether it's to keep up appearances or to deny her own emotions, she stifles it all. 100% get how everyone's been saying her .2 seconds of screentime here characterize her more than the entire show does.

Then we switch gears to the real Stolas, getting dressed in something very similar to Paimon's clothes (which someone else pointed out I did NAWT notice that on my own). I have two (ish) theories on what this was about but I'm not sold on them so feel free to tell me what you think this was all about.

Maybe Stolas was putting the clothes on for some unrelated event—some goetian responsibility he forgot he was supposed to attend to— or maybe it was something like him reminiscing on all he's lost after the divorce and the trial (if this takes place post trial. Not sure). One of these maybe, or he got dressed up specifically for his suicide. I could see his romantic and fanciful nature driving him to do something like that.

(didn't have much to say on the portraits around him all turning into Blitz. It's a pretty straightforward showing of his mental decline and destructive obsession. Overall fantastic detail I missed on the first watch)

Then, when he kills himself, he chose to do it in the middle of the street, directly across from and FACING I.M.P.'s place of residence. Which is. Insane to me. Placing it there felt so purposeful with the light glinting off of the horns on the building. Was it meant to be a "look what you made me do" type deal? Some sort of final "fuck you" for all Blitz had done ("""making""" Stolas love him and then not reciprocating)? A last desperate attempt to be seen and acknowledged?

Well who knows fr but that's all my analysis for the animation. Dwinni ate down idc. This was a peak fandom event honestly. But yeah uh what do YOU 🫵🏾 think

#words #this has gotta be one of my longest text posts but idc #also if some other video essayist has said this exact train of thought bar for bar IT AIN'T ON ME BC I HAVEN'T WATCH ANY.#I'd have made my own video on this is i knew how to make videos and i cared enough but i DON'T!#ESSAY TYPE STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS IS WHAT YOU GET #hellaverse #helluva boss #Stolas animation #now that you're gone #now that youre gone #helluva boss critical #anti vivziepop #dwinni

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hollowed-theory-hall · 1 day ago

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Dumbledore as the minister?

(sequel to this)

We know the results of that. Up into Harry's first 3 years, Fudge's asks Dumbledore for advice on Everything:

“ ’Course,” said Hagrid. “They wanted Dumbledore fer Minister, o’ course, but he’d never leave Hogwarts, so old Cornelius Fudge got the job. Bungler if ever there was one. So he pelts Dumbledore with owls every morning, askin’ fer advice.”

(PS)

“Of course he doesn’t,” said Mr. Weasley. “He’s never wanted the Minister’s job, even though a lot of people wanted him to take it when Millicent Bagnold retired. Fudge came to power instead, but he’s never quite forgotten how much popular support Dumbledore had, even though Dumbledore never applied for the job.” “Deep down, Fudge knows Dumbledore’s much cleverer than he is, a much more powerful wizard, and in the early days of his Ministry, he was forever asking Dumbledore for help and advice,” said Lupin. “But it seems that he’s become fond of power now, and much more confident. He loves being Minister of Magic, and he’s managed to convince himself that he’s the clever one and Dumbledore’s simply stirring up trouble for the sake of it.”

(OotP)

The state of Azkaban, werewolf laws, house elf rights, and the state of muggleborns we see in the books is what they would've looked like if Dumbledore was in charge. Dumbledore isn't an idealist for change; he wants to keep the ministry as is. He doesn't see the problems in the system as a whole and he never cared to push for it even when he could (As a Chief Warlock who had the minister's ear).

He is only fighting Voldemort because he became very anti-dark arts because of his ex. It's personal for him, not political.

Dumbledore is definitely smart and charismatic, but he is also narcissistic, arrogant, a show off, and yes, a little power hungry. And Dumbledore knows all of this about himself. He knows he is arrogant and not to be trusted with power. He is self-aware enough to know he would not improve the Wizarding World by being a minister and that the position would make him worse, and yet, he pushes himself into other political positions, almost like he can't help himself. (Hogwarts headmaster is low-key a political position in their world. There's a reason Dumbledore accuses Tom of wanting to teach at Hogwarts for political gain; he is projecting a little, as he always does when it comes to Tom. Dumbledore sees his own worst traits in Tom).

The point is, Dumbledore as a minister would be very prideful, he won't want advice from others, he won't share any important information with anyone, he won't change any of the main issues their world has, and he'll find ways to ensure he keeps his own power for as long as possible, unless he has a good reason not to. I actually think Dumbledore placed himself in a more protected position than Minister. In the years before the books, Dumbledore could influence the minister and the ministry, while enjoying the ability to say his hands were clean.

If we look at how he handles Hogwarts when dangerous things happen, we see he lets things play out and only acts when he has no other choice. He allows students to be endangered by Quirrellmort, the basilisk, Lockheart, Sirius (perceived threat), Barty, Umbridge, Draco, etc, every year and leaves it up to Harry to deal with.

(Yes, it is a staple of the genre of the books, but if we look at it from a Watsonian perspective, it seems he doesn't really care for his student's safety:

“D’you think he meant you to do it?” said Ron. “Sending you your father’s cloak and everything?” “Well, ” Hermione exploded, “if he did — I mean to say that’s terrible — you could have been killed.” “No, it isn’t,” said Harry thoughtfully. “He’s a funny man, Dumbledore. I think he sort of wanted to give me a chance. I think he knows more or less everything that goes on here, you know. I reckon he had a pretty good idea we were going to try, and instead of stopping us, he just taught us enough to help. I don’t think it was an accident he let me find out how the mirror worked. It’s almost like he thought I had the right to face Voldemort if I could….” “Yeah, Dumbledore’s off his rocker, all right,” said Ron proudly.

(PS))

Dumbledore wouldn't have prepared the ministry for Voldemort's return, since he hadn't before the books when he could have. He would've wanted Vodlemrot to reveal himself, to make the first move, just like canon — and when the war starts, does he work with the Aurors? Does he put aside his pride to protect more people? No. I understand keeping the horcruxes a secret, but I think it's striking that he doesn't even work well with his own Order, sending them on pointless missions for the most part. Dumbledore doesn't know how to cooperate with other people, which, I think, is essential for being a good minister (and for a lot of other things in life, really).

Basically, Dumbledore as a minister would result in the world as we see it in the books. He might remove the dementors from Azkaban, but I'm not even convinced of that, since he had the capacity to influence Fudge at the beginning of his career and didn't. It means that a lot of things Dumbledore says are important to him, aren't so.

#he is very much a politician though - says a lot of shit that sounds good on paper and does none of it #albus dumbledore #albus dumbledore critical #harry potter #hp #hp meta #asks #hollowedtheory #anonymous #minister of magic

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nocasdatsgay · 2 days ago

Text

The Statue on the Hill

Pairing: Nesta/Eris| Rating: T | Word Count: 2141

Part 1| Part 2| Part 3 | Masterlist | Read on AO3

Warnings: Omegaverse, Pervious Major Character Death (Cassian), Infertility issues, Grief, Angst with a happy ending.

Summary: After trying to conceive for a decade, Nesta is at her breaking point. Eris suggests she go to the Night Court to be with her sisters. She goes to Cassian’s grave instead.

A/N: For @nestaarcheronweek Day 5 Mother. Due to the heavy themes I won’t be tagging anyone. Dividers are by @/tsunami-of-tears

She didn’t know why she even let herself hope. She’d stared at the vial for over an hour now as if it would suddenly change when she wasn’t looking. A month after her heat, she did the test like always and nothing. A whole decade of nothing. She made sure was doing it right, having the feisty, redheaded healer Edith walk her through each step. And nothing.

Eris must have felt her distress.

The door opened to the bathing room and she looked in the mirror to see Eris slip in. His gaze met hers in the reflection, before dropping down to the vial of clear liquid on the countertop. She felt a pang of sadness in her chest as he shut the door slowly. He didn’t say a word; he came up behind her, wrapping his arms around her. Scent of him had her dropping her walls.

“They said it would be easier.” She wiped at her eye, shame rolling through her for crying. “I don’t understand. Feyre and Elain have children.”

“It’s easier for them.” His arms pulled her tighter against his chest. “True mates conceive younglings at a higher rate.”

He said it so casually. Like a fact she should know. It burned her heart and her eyes.

“We are mates.” She replied back just as casually as she could muster. She met his gaze in the mirror again. She hated that he looked as sad as she felt.

“I am not your true mate, Nesta.”

Visions of the Battle with Hybern flashed in her mind. The male she tried to save, vivid. Just like his death. She shoved it away.

“He’s dead. You are my mate, my alpha. That counts for something, does it not?”

“Not in a matter such as this.” He rested his face against the top of her hair.

“It feels like I learn the rules and you change them on me.” She let herself rest back against him.

“I know it feels that way. We’ll keep trying, it will happen before you know it.”

She watched her expression change. The slight flash of pain she felt at the idea of waiting even longer. Of trying again and again only to fail. Eris squeezed her tight.

“Go see your sisters,” he said softly. “Some time in the Night Court might do you well.”

She met his gaze and knew what he left unspoken. She nodded. She would go. Whether it would do any good, she didn’t know.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Nesta had not been to the grave since they brought Nyx’s brother to meet him. There was nothing left after the war but the magic siphons in the dirt. She kept one in her jewelry box, attached to a necklace she used to wear day and night. The rest were placed in the statue that looked like him. She sobbed, the first time she saw it. It was Rhysand of all people who caught her as she fell to the ground. That was the only time they’d ever been close. Holding each other as they grieved.

It hurt when her true mate died. She didn’t know Cassian- had only just met him. But the loss of his presence left a hole in her heart she never truly filled. Eris was kind. But it was a political arrangement- one that thankfully worked in her favor. She pushed away her thoughts and placed the flowers down on the small slab. She then kneeled on the grass. It was spelled to stay green and lush even in the heat of summer and cold of winter.

“I don’t know why I’m here,” she muttered.

The wind seemed to respond, a gentle breeze caressing her skin and shifting her loose strands. It did that when she visited. She knew it wasn’t anything other than the breeze coming up the hill from the river. But in her heart she wished it was a sign.

“I told myself I would move on,” she said. She ran her hand over the plate at the base where his name was etched in gold. “The mother knows it’s been long enough. It was him, my husband, who suggested I visit the Court again.”

It felt wrong to call Eris her mate in front of this monument. Her eyes burned and she sighed.

“I’m angry with you.” She didn’t notice the air still around her. “I know we did not have time. You promised me in another life we would. But gods am I still mad at you.”

She blinked and tears fell down her cheeks. The cool breeze came and dried them.

“I want a family. Feyre and Elain both started their own within the last decade. Nyx is twelve now, his brother five. Elain’s children are barely two years apart. I didn’t understand it. They both said they fell pregnant after stopping the tea almost immediately. So easily it was comical. I said I didn’t know why fae pregnancies were rare. But I- now I know why. I am not so lucky. We’ve tried for just as long and nothing. My m- husband- he told me recently true mates conceive easier. I feel cursed.”

Her voice broke, more tears falling. “I know they said while you were alive you didn’t like him. But he loves me. He’s kind. Feyre and Elain both tease me that there's nothing he won’t give me. It was my decision to even try, and I feel like I’m the problem.” She sniffled, rubbing her eyes with the back of her hand. The wind blew a little harder, rustling the paper around the flowers. “He could have found his true mate by now and had his heirs instead of being shackled to me.”

A rumble startled her. In the distance, she could see dark rain clouds. She looked back up at the statue.

“I suppose I’ve asked for too much. The Mother gave me a husband- a mate, who takes care of me. A second chance. It’s silly to think I could have it all.” She laughed and wiped away the last of her tears. “Maybe if he didn’t love me the Mother would pity me- give me children to fill the void. Sometimes I wonder if it’s your doing, blocking me from the grave.”

It felt eerily still in that moment. So much that she wondered if Cassian was blocking the souls of her children from entering her womb. It was a terrible thing to think. She knew the truth. No children would want her as a mother.

“I wanted a child so badly.” She choked back a sob. “It’s so selfish of me. I would be a terrible mother. Who am I to hope differently?”

Another rumble in the distance. She sobbed quietly, wiping her eyes with her sleeves. She would need to leave soon, with a storm coming. The wind picked back up- gentle like it usually was despite the clouds. She cried until she couldn’t anymore. A few sniffles left her as she sat and tried to get herself together. She sat there until she heard footsteps over the breeze against the path. Eris approached her and stopped short of the grass.

“They said you were here.” His gaze ran over her face and he frowned. He never did like seeing her upset. “I can leave and wait for you, if you still need time.”

She shook her head. She went to stand and Eris stepped forward and offered his hand, helping her up. He was focused on the statue, studying it. He had a scowl. The same one he wore when he saw Azriel.

“Did you hate him?” Nesta asked.

Eris didn’t tear his gaze from the statue. “Truthfully I didn’t know him. Other than he ruined my first engagement.” His mouth ticked up in the corner slightly. “Saved me trouble honestly.”

Then he looked to Nesta. “He was your true mate. I am jealous of him for that. But to hate him would mean to hate part of you. There is nothing about you I could ever hate. Including the male you were destined to be with.”

Nesta blinked profusely again. “Even if we never have a family?”

“You have a family. You have your sisters. You have me. And you have an eternity to live. You forget that.” He must have seen the concern on her face. He took her hand and squeezed it. “I do not need you to bear children just for me to love you, you know that.” She did. It didn’t stop the ache in her heart for wanting her own. He pulled her hand up and kissed it gently. “Children come in their own time.”

“And if they never come?” She whispered.

A strong breeze rustled her skits, reminding her the storm was near. She looked up at her husband- her mate, whose amber gaze studied her softly.

“Then we will weather it together,” He replied.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Eris stayed back while Nesta walked up the hill. He did not question why she wanted to come here so soon. He only requested he join her when she was ready. Feyre said Rhysand was the same way when her children were born. Something about Alphas and their pups, though she despised that term. She stared up at Cassian’s statue for the first time with nothing but joy in her heart.

“She’s here,” she whispered. She wiped her eyes with her free hand like she had done at her father’s statue. “Took fifteen years, but she’s here.”

She shuffled the babe in her arms, pulling back the blanket that kept her clear of spring wind chill. Her sweet babe. So tiny still, with her little nose and pouty lips. Her hair, thick on her head, shifted in the breeze. It was red like Eris’s mother’s. Red like the siphons on Cassian’s statue gleaming in the sun. She squinted her blue eyes, cooing and shifting in Nesta’s hold.

“She's perfect,” Nesta whispered.

She didn’t dare say out loud that sometimes- much more rarely now, she wondered what her and Cassian’s children would have looked like. Would they have her hair and his eyes? His wings? Nesta shifted her hold to loosen more of the blanket. Hands free her babe rubbed her face and yawned.

“She’s not very talkative. She doesn’t cry much. I thought something was wrong with how quiet she is. Eris’s mother says she gets that from him.” She gently rocked her in her arms. “She does glare like me.”

Nesta stood in silence for a moment, looking up at the statue. She never thought her heart could be so full and feel so empty at the same time.

“I don’t have the right to ask this of you.” She whispered, blinking back more tears. “Wherever you may be, watch over her when I cannot. Protect her better than I did you.”

A gust ruffled Nesta’s skirts, throwing them forward against her legs. Her babe only giggled, the blanket also flapping in the wind. Instantly Eris was beside her, grabbing her shoulders.

“Steady,” he said, as if they would both blow away.

“I’m fine,” she shifted the babe to lay across her shoulder. “It was just a gust.”

She watched his jaw tighten and tried to not laugh. He didn’t remove his hand off of her, but did loosen his grip.

“I can take her,” he said, cutting his eyes to their daughter. “So you can have a moment.”

“No need.” She looked back up to Cassian’s face. The siphons glistened in the sun out of the corner of her eye, like they winked at her. “She’ll need to eat soon and I just bragged that she doesn’t cry often.”

The breeze calmed and washed over them like a gentle caress. Eris held her arm as they walked down to the pram. She laid her baby down, cooing at her and kissing her small hand. She could not explain why she felt lighter now. Her babe would be taken care of. She knew it in her soul. When she straightened up, she saw Eris walking back up the hill. She watched him stop at the foot of the statue, his hair blowing to the left in the breeze. She waited for him. He wasn’t there long, when he turned and saw her watching him, he winnowed to her.

”Apologies.” His face didn’t show a tell of what happened up there, but she could feel it. “Do you want me to push her?”

”No, I can do it.”

He frowned at her smirk but didn’t comment on it. They walked back to her sister’s house slowly. Whatever happened at that grave between Eris and Cassian was their business, but she liked to hope the outcome was the same. That her daughter had one more pair of eyes watching over her and keeping her safe.

#nesta archeron #nesta acotar #nestaweek2025 #eris vanserra #neris #omegaverse #acotar #acowar #character death #angst with a happy ending #angst #infertility issues

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