#so that's why you don't pay for it and suspend your disbelief because it's all dumb and nonsensical for the sake of being kinda cool as hel

[rav3nston3]

car and keys

coming soon as knockback item on my tag map server yippee

[helplesslypurple77]

Day 14 -Shower Sex-Hisoka/Reader

Notes:  k so suspend your disbelief that Hisoka would ever need a roommate, that man is probably rich as hell, but this is my universe and I can do anything I want.

.....

Maybe your decision to get a roommate was a mistake. It had seemed like such a bright idea a few weeks ago, when you had put the last minute listing online. Because you could have a nice, large apartment in a central location and halve the price. And maybe you could make a nice friend out of it. You were even safe, requiring an online form as well as an in person interview. You weren't too worried though, you considered yourself pretty formidable when it came to ability. 

But it was not going as well as you would have liked. You have received plenty of submissions, sure. But each one had something glaringly wrong with it. You shuffle through the forms you had printed out, sighing as each one passes through your vision. These are the better ones, you threw out the worse ones already. Now, only three remain.

The first one is a woman, who after a delightful interview where the two of you got along really well, she had informed you that she had four cats and three dogs, and a cow. And she would expect them to live with her. So she was obviously tossed. The second one had been a rather mousy looking man who had some clear stalker tendencies, and had asked you to compromise on rent. You had told him maybe, and shooed him away. 

The last option was the one you were most hopeful about. It was another man, who was set to arrive any minute now. His answers on the form were promising, of course, but also very general. That was why you had set up the in person interview. To probe people and get their general vibes. 

The doorbell rings, shaking you out of your thoughts. You jump up, straightening your dress and fixing your hair, before moving to the door. This is the last one. You send up a little prayer, begging that this one will be the perfect candidate, and open the door.

The man standing on the other side of the door with his hand on his hip is very hot. It's the first thing you notice, followed very quickly by the odd way he dresses. But have met many a weird dresser in your day so you try not to judge. 

“Are you Mr Morrow?” You question, smiling up at him. He's very tall, looming over you a bit in your own doorway.

“Yes, I was informed you were in desperate need of a roommate,” The man says, offering a hand out in front of him. “You have such a lovely nen, dear.”

You take it, wincing slightly as he shakes it. He's a dramatic one. And probably a pro hunter, given the fact that he noticed your nen. And pointed it out at all. But that doesn't mean anything, not yet at least.  

“I am. Come on in.” You say, yanking your hand out of his tight, cold grip and opening the door wide. The man breezes past you, sauntering into your house with no hint of hesitancy or fear. He shows only blind confidence, accompanied by a smirk tossed over his shoulder. He must be very strong. Or just stupid. You don't know which is better. You sigh, leading him towards the living room where you have your little interview area set up. 

“Alright Mr Morrow, could you tell me why you want a roommate?” You ask, sitting down on the couch of the cozy little living room. He sits down opposite you, in one of the cushy armchairs and crosses one leg over the other. 

“Hisoka is fine,” he says, brushing a hair through his red hair, pushing it back farther. “And it seemed fun!”

You raise an eyebrow. So he's an odd one. 

“Not for a financial need or…” You say, trying to prompt him into a more in depth answer. His smiles, yellow eyes flickering between your face and the rest of the apartment, probably taking it in. It's a nice apartment, and in a central part of Yorknew city. That's partly why you were so desperate for it. 

“Oh no, of course not. I could pay for this entire place if I felt like it.” He laughs lightly, and you chuckle. Probably a bad sign, you muse as he continues. “It's just that the address of my other residence got out and I had the most annoying visitors at all hours of the day.”

You raise your eyebrow high, so high you assume it's going to disappear into your hairline at any moment, and tap your pen. Hisoka shakes his head, pouting slightly and you kick yourself as it occurs to you once again how attractive he really is. 

“It was so inconvenient, I'm sure you know darling. So I had to move.” Hisoka says with a frown, head tilting to the side. “But I soon discovered that I had been put on a no buy list. Like a no fly list? You understand?”

He leans forward, like he's telling some great secret, and you nod with a sigh. This one is a complicated one. No matter how attractive you find his arms as they flex, or his thin waist in that odd outfit he wears, you need to remain rational and not rush such an important decision because you thought this guy was hot as fuck. Hisoka smiles, somehow not disturbing the strange symbols painted on his cheeks. 

“So I figured getting a roomie was the solution to both problems!” He says with a smile, pointing his finger in the air as if he's come up with the solution to a great puzzling problem. “No weak people will figure out my address, as your name will be on the lease. And paying you the rent mitigates the no buy list issue.”

“I see, how interesting.” You say, trying not to sound too amused. He sure is a weird one, alright. “Do you have any pets?”

“Oh no, animals don't like me.” He laughs, passing his hand through his hair again. “I couldn't tell you why, will that be an issue?”

“Oh, no.” You say, a beat of worry ticking at the back of your brain. “I don't have any pets, they make a lot of mess.”

It should probably be a bad sign that animals don't like him, but honestly all you care about is the fact that he doesn't have a pet, not any flags as red as his hair that answer might raise. 

“And you wouldn't object to sharing a bathroom?” You question. The apartment is nice, but it's a two bedroom one bath. You didn't know why, an odd design choice on the part of the former owners. Hisoka chuckles.

“Oh, not at all~” He says silkily, recrossing his legs with a flourish. “I can coexist just fine with someone as lovely as you. I hear that taking showers together conserves water~”

He shoots you a wink, a smirk flashing across his face. You laugh, trying to ignore what he's laying down on the table. It's better not to think of anything like that, lest it urge you closer and closer to just giving up and taking him on as a roommate.

“How environmentally conscious,” You say, appropriately neutral as you continue. “And may I ask what you do for work?”

“Ah work. That's a little complicated, I'm afraid.” Hisoka says, tilting his head to the side with a bit of a frown. “I suppose officially, I would classify as a blacklist hunter.”

Ah, of course. You can't really say you're surprised, but perhaps it's a bad sign for your mental health that his answer doesn't actually put you off as much as it should.

“I see,” you say, noting that down on your little notebook. Hisoka tilts his head, eyes flickering curiously.

“You don't seem at all alarmed.” He questions, yellow eyes staring directly at your face. Not dancing around your face and body, not at the wall behind you. He must be very interested in your reaction.

“It's really none of my business, as long as you don't mess with the apartment,” You explain, running a hand through your hair. “And besides, I'm a hunter as well, and you don't seem to mean any harm to me. Right now anyway.”

Hisoka blinks, letting the silence stretch on for a moment, filling the air of the cozy living room. He seems a bit surprised by your answer, for reasons you can't understand. Maybe he was surprised by your total lack of fear? Or maybe your casual attitude. It was only natural, both your parents were hunters and most of your clientele were as well. You supposed you were a bit dead to what was normal and unusual. You did make specialty weapons for people all over the world. Some of your best clientele were the infamous Zoldyck family. You were kind of used to weirdos dressed in odd costumes who wanted strange things. The only thing you might need to worry about from Hisoka was how attractive you found him. 

Hisoka chuckles. 

“How interesting~” he purrs, breaking the silence that had fallen over the room. “What a strikingly brave person you are, doll.”

“I guess,” You say, shrugging off the pet name he’s already assigned you with a sigh. “Are there any questions you have for me? It's better to settle these things before you move in.”

“Ah, so you’ll have me then?” Hisoka asks, all smiles. You nod, shuffling your papers with a sigh. It seems he really is the best option. 

“Questions, hmm.” Hisoka says, tapping his chin. You wait patiently as he considers, a bit worried. Finally, he speaks. “I have an odd friend. You don't mind him showing up out of nowhere do you?”

You sigh. You've been doing a lot of sighing lately. 

“No, not really. Tell him my bedroom is off limits though.” You say, standing to your feet. You've known your share of weirdos, and as long as this one stays out of your private spaces you're fine. Hisoka smiles, rising smoothly to his feet with a slightly unhinged smile. He held out his hand, yet again. You eye it warily.

“So, we have a deal?” He asks, angling his hand upwards slightly, palm pointing into the ceiling. His nails are a bit long, you notice absentmindedly.

You reach out, taking his hand to shake. 

“Yes, for now.” You say, “But we still need to sign the papers.”

“Yes, of course.” Hisoka supplies, mouth curving into a smile as he grips your hand, bringing it up to his cold lips. You push down a flush, biting your lips as he presses a long kiss to the back of your hand. His yellow eyes flick up, meeting your own and pinning you to the spot. Finally, after what feels like an age, he stands up, gently releasing your hand from his chilly grip. It falls to your side, and you clear your throat.

“Would you like a tour?” You ask, proud of how clear your vocal cords remain. Hisoka chuckles, crossing his arms casually.

“Sure.” He laughs.

You fear for your future self. You’ve certainly found an odd roommate. 

⚀⚀⚀

Hisoka, despite the faults and red flags that constantly run in your vision, isn't actually that terrible of a roomate. He's quite clean, and not very noisy. He does cook at all, but you don't mind cooking for two and leaving leftovers for him as he comes and goes. In return, he cleans the kitchen for you, and often the rest of the house as well. The two of you end up not seeing each other as much as you would like, only meating for meals and the occasional free afternoon of dancing around each other. It's nice, honestly. You can ignore his other faults, like the makeup skin and hair products that are mixing with your own, and the incessant flirting. He flirts so much you assume it's just how he is. Because no matter how much you wanna fuck him, you doubt its returned. Because that's the other problem. You really wanna fuck him, and it can be reliably traced to a combination of a few things. 

One, because of your new roomie, you cant bring men home to fuck anymore. 

Two, He's just insanely attractive and touchy, a hand on your waist here, a brush of your neck there, and you're losing your mind.

And three, the walls are too thin for you to masturbate comfortably. You can only masturbate in the shower now. But that in itself is a problem. You try not to shower for too long because of the water bill and so you can only get yourself off way less than you need.

But it isn't really a big deal, you promise yourself. You don't find yourself spending long bouts of time with Hisoka anyway, so your obvious desire for him isn't on display. You can only hope you can hide it for as long as the two of your remaining roomies. 

⚀⚀⚀

You survey the counters of your bathroom, the white of the countertop slowly being swallowed by skincare. Your own skincare addiction was a beast, but with Hisoka living with you the problem had only worsened. The shelves were covered in various masks and serums, the cabinets taken up by painkillers and mysterious under the counter drugs. The shelves to the side of the counter are laden in your makeup, with a small space devoted to the few products Hisoka used to draw his star and teardrop. 

You shove a couple things aside to grab your hair brush. The mirror is clean, your reflection clear in the glass, a few little sticky notes stuck to one end. You eye them, your messy handwriting noting down the things you were running low on. It was better if you left them in the mirror. You looked at it every morning and night after all when you did your skincare. 

You sigh, running a brush over your scalp in relief. The shower isn't running yet, but you're excited for the opportunity to wash your hair, and of course, to masturbate. Your body is thrumming with pent up energy as you eye yourself in the mirror. Hisoka had been especially annoying this week. It seemed he had nothing to do, so every morning when you left for work you encountered him in the living room, and he was there when you returned. 

Sometimes he was on the couch, watching reality tv in a tank top and sweats, and sometimes he was clearly just coming from the gym with sweat gathering on his arms and face. Each time he was desperately tempting, and much too flirty for your sanity. Be it a wink and a flirty comment, or a brush of your waist and a breath on your neck. He was driving you crazy. 

You sigh, shedding the towel you had been wrapped in and fold it neatly, placing it on the small shelf next to the entrance of the shower. You dig your feet ingo the bathmat, running a hand through your hair with a sigh. And then you see it.

A spider. A nasty, giant spider the size of your palm, sitting directly in the shower. In the path of your feet.

You scream shrilly, jumping backwards dramatically as you run to get as far away from the spider as possible. You hate spiders, more than anything in the world. You scream again, your shrill voice echoing off the bathroom walls.

“Hisoka!” You shriek, hugging your naked waist in fear as the spider moves a few inches closer. “Come here!”

The door slams open, Hisoka moving with a sense of urgency. His face betrays no emotion besides amusement as he takes you in, shivering and naked, glaring at the spider on the shower floor.

“Can I help you doll?” he purrs, moving closer to you across the bathroom floor. You don't even notice, too busy with your worst enemy, the giant spider watching you from the shower. The shower in the bathroom is only covered with a slight wall of glass, leaving about a space wide enough for someone to pass through comfortably into the shower cubby. It's also enough space for the spider to escape and hunt you down relentlessly. 

“Don't you see it?” You hiss, body trembling in the chilly bathroom air. You shiver, holding your arms around your waist. You seem to have forgotten your nakedness. 

Hisoka chuckles, folding his hands across his chest as his yellow eyes scan your body, pausing on all the parts of interest. He licks his lips, moving towards you across the floor. You don't notice, too busy keeping an eye on the spider. 

“Look,” you whisper. “The spider. In the shower.”

“Ah,” Hisoka says, a slight laugh contained in his voice. “Afraid of spiders, are you?”

You roll your eyes, not happy with his sarcasm.

The spider jumps, moving out of the shower cubby and towards you on the floor. You shriek, jumping backwards and into Hisoka’s arms, clinging to his muscled body as you scream.

“Ugh, it's coming this way!” You yell, hiding your face in Hisoka’s chest as your legs clench around his waist. “Just kill it!”

Hisoka laughs, the sound rattling in his chest as you cling close to him. He has his phone in his pocket, poking against your thighs. It's odd, because you don't remember this pair of sweatpants he's wearing having pockets. The spider sits heavy on your mind though, and you grip his muscled shoulders close with a whimper.

“As you wish.” Hisoka laughs, gripping your thighs and holding your body close to him. Faintly, you inhale his scent, a mix of flowers and musk and the unmistakable faint scent of blood. It turns you on as fear runs through your blood. You hid your head in his chest.

“Is it dead?” You whisper, gripping him tightly. Your heart is beating fast against your chest, begging to escape and run away from the stupid spider. 

“Yes, doll.” Hisoka purrs, other hand coming up to stroke your hair gently, an attempt to calm you down. “Your knight in shining armor has rescued you from the great threat lurking in the depths of the shower.”

You roll your eyes. He's making fun of you.

“Did you throw it away?” You question, not loosening your death grip on his shoulders. 

“Yes, I'm delighted to report it’s out of your sight.” Hisoka says, a chuckle in his voice. You pull your head away from his chest cautiously, pearing backwards and scouring the bathroom floor for any remnants of the spider. The floor is empty, only occupied with the fluffy bath mat. You sigh in relief, your chest heavy distractingly against the black tank top Hisoka wears. 

Then you realize exactly where you are. You're clinging to Hisoka like a tree, completely naked and clutching at his body. You shriek again, almost as loud as you did when you saw that damn spider and fly away from him like you've touched fire. Hisoka chuckles.

“Aw, come back.” he coos, running a hand through his hair. “You were so cute, all helpless and scared.”

You frown and bite back a groan at the same time, covering your tits and pussy with your hands as best you can.

“Get out!” You shriek, fighting back the arousal that leaks in as you take him in. 

“How rude!” Hisoka chuckles, pulling his tank top over his head. “No thank you?”

You yank your eyes away from his pale chest, as your pussy twitches with arousal. He toys with the hem of his sweatpants. As he tugs them lower, and you take in the v line pointing lower and lower, you realize he's not wearing boxers. You yank your eyes away, but it's too late. He's seen your wandering eyes. 

“The water bill is getting too high.” You say out of nowhere, body tingling with arousal. 

HIsoka tilts his head, biting back a smirk.

“Is that so?” He smirks, voice lilting seductively. “You know, I've been told showering together conserves water.”

You bite back a smile. A callback to your very first conversation. You let your hands drop, as you move towards the shower. All pretense is gone, just two people who really wanna fuck each others brians out. You giggle.

“What a clever plan.” You say, stepping into the shower and turning on the water with a sigh. Hisoka crowds behind you, smirking like the cat that got the cream. You suppose that's an accurate description for what's happening right now. 

⚀⚀⚀

“How long have you known,” You whimper, boobs and face pressed against the glass divider. Hisoka chuckles, tick chock drilling your insides as you moan loudly. The steam of the shower floats through the air, obscuring his face slightly. His hair is down, dripping with water and plastered to his face, but he doesn't seem to care. You brace your hands against the glass as he grips his hips, hitting the spot inside you that has you seeing stars.

“Since your eyes first scanned my body,” Hisoka grunts, hands gripping you so tight you’ll bruise. “You aren't exactly subtle, doll.”

“Ah, how embarrassing.” you murmur, hair falling wet and heavy down your back, tangling in your mouth. 

“Don't be too upset about it,” Hisoka murmurs, pressing his back against you as he drills deeper into you. “Your lustful glances were very mutual. You're simply a bit romantically oblivious.”

You whimper, hands scrabbling at the slick glass. The bathroom is filled with steam, the sound of the shower muffling your moans and the slapping of wet skin. You hope your neighbors can't hear you. 

“Am i?” You whimper, head falling back as his steady thrusts bring you closer and closer to completion. “I thought you were just like that.”

“I am,” Hisoka mutters, sinking his teeth into your neck. You clench down on him, body tensing as pleasure and pain erupt from the bite mark, tangling and twisting into a heady cocktail of arousal. 

“Ah, god.” You moan, nipples rubbing against the glass. “We should have done this sooner.”

Hisoka’s clawed hand reaches down, abandoning your bruised hips to rub circles into your clit. Stars burst behind your eyes, the bubbles and steam of the ballroom only adding to the floaty, dream like atmosphere. Hisoka chuckles, body hard and powerful against your own soft, curvy one. 

“I think we'll be doing this a lot from now on.” He half chuckles, half groans, body pressing against yours, pressing you to the glass.

Your lips part as you cum, screaming his name into the abyss of hot steam and powerful muscles. And as the orgasms overwhelm your body, you smile to yourself against the glass.

It seems getting a roommate was shaping up to be the best decision you’d ever made. 

.....

Endnotes: my sister is terrified of spiders. I channeled her fear for the spider bit. I don't like spiders very much, but she's genuinely terrified lol.

Also, guess who finished this before one in the morning, instead of at like three. Im hella proud of myself for that <3

[thisaccountisagainstmywill]

BG3 Characters Safest Driver Headcanons

I've been thinking about that poll from months ago way too much, so I've pulled this from my drafts. In this essay, I will explain why Boo is the best driver. Astarion: Terrible. Absolutely terrible driver. He is doing his makeup with the visor down, looking at the mirror more than the road. Suspend your disbelief, he's driving in this universe. He can use mirrors. ♥ You have to grab the steering wheel, regularly. Without warning, the man twists around to find his purse in the back seat because he wants a different eyeliner than what he grabbed. You are on aux duty. He hates everything you've picked. 2/10, he lawyered his way into that license Gale: You would think he would be safe, but then you remember that Gale didn't pay attention in boring classes. And how hard could driving really be?? The man knows how to drive perfectly textbook. He also thinks he knows how to do it better than everyone else. He does not adapt well to poor drivers. The roads are full of poor drivers. He is yeling "Zipper!" at the merging traffic. You spend five minutes in the parking lot so he can find just the right song for the trip.

6/10, you will probably not die Halsin: The man drives slow, I'm sorry. He's fuel efficient as you can get with the windows down. He pulls over and stops traffic for ducks crossing the road, no matter what the current road conditions are. He stops to show you the new tree the neighbor got. He is a Yellowstone Park tourist. He wants to show you the world, one traffic-stopping mid-road parking job at a time. There is no music, we are listening to nature today. 4/10, you will be rear-ended with him and not the way most people want Jaheira: I stand by what I said last time: Jaheira reminds me of so many older women I know. She drives like she wants someone to start shit with her. She's so conditioned by having 5 kids fighting in the backseat at all times that every time she's behind the wheel she's having Vietnam-level flashbacks. Her blood is pumping in her ears. There is no road, there is only the red of her vision. She won't start the road rage incident directly, but by god, she will end it. (You tried to ask about music, but the look she gave you when asked killed the question.) 5/10, you make it to your destination intact. But at what cost? Your pants are a different color at the end of the trip than they were at the beginning. Karlach: Karlach is talking with her hands while she drives. She's fiddling with the radio constantly. You've blown four red lights. Three of them were the same red light because she took a wrong turn. She will not use GPS, she's got the vibe of where she's going. She was trying to show you something on her phone at the same time. It cannot wait. It was so good you have to see it right now. The tunes are so loud she hasn't heard the sirens behind her. 4/10, the tunes almost make up for it Lae'zel: You are helping her check her mirror distance before you get in the car. You are buckled in before the car even starts. You are not allowed to touch the light in the car if it is dark out. She was taught that it's illegal to have on at night and she takes that shit seriously. You are on blindspot-watching duty at all times. You're not allowed to have music on the in car, it is a distraction. 7/10, we are efficient, but we are miserable Minsc: Minsc cannot drive. Minsc was meant to drive today, but Minsc got into the wrong seat. We are all relieved. Jaheira trained him wrong on purpose and will kill you if you correct him. 0/10, don't even try. He will survive the accident, you will not. Minthara: Minthara, light of my life. She is gremlin cackling and riding bumpers the whole time. People are pulling off constantly to get away from her. You are white-knuckling in the passenger seat and are too afraid to let go of the bitch-bar. You pray her airbags are up to date because your life has not stopped flashing before your eyes since you got onto the road. We are exclusively listening to The Flight of the Valkyries. 7/10, it is shockingly efficient when no one else is on the road anymore

Shadowheart: I have been in many a 'Shadowhearts' car. The car is more of a problem than she is. She drives the type of car that makes people go, "You live like this?" She drives a manual. She was not trained to drive a manual. Almost every single dash light is on, the ones that aren't had their bulbs die out years ago. We don't know how old that trash is, but it lives here now. She has one of those cassette players that has to hook into your phone to come out the speakers. Good luck finding the right adaptor in the mess. 4/10, girl get your shit together Wyll: Wyll is the best driver, hands down...when he is alone. Like all things in his life, his greatest flaw is being too polite. He turns his whole fucking head to look at you when you talk because that is the polite thing to do. The road is secondary to how important your conversation and companionship are to him. And you can't not talk him! He's asking you genuine questions about your day because he's interested. You get to listen to whatever you want and he's totally down for it even if it's not normally his thing. He'll find something he likes about it. Alone: 100/10, he somehow makes everyone better drivers by just being on the road With you: 5/10, Wyll, please, look at the road. ;_;

Boo: My eyes are closed. It's better this way. We made it there in record time. I don't know how it happened. I don't need to know how it happened. ?/10, it's best if you don't think about it

[olderthannetfic]

People trying to write dialects only ever seem to do it to the poor characters anyway? Fucking hate that.

Authors who speak a dialect and write in that one, or in those? Yeah, that can be some real good shit. They're sharing their language with the reader. They know what they're writing.

But people who don't speak the dialect? Especially when they use it for the country bumpkin trope? Fuck right the fuck off.

What grinds my gears is that the middle and upper-class characters almost always speak the same dialect, yeah maybe the upper-class character will use a few more "fancy and posh" words, but concerning the actual dialect it'll be the same. This honestly just makes the choice of giving lower-class and poor characters a dialect just kinda gross.

Like, I can suspend my disbelief that all classes of people talk the same dialect, but when you then introduce the poor class as being the only one that speaks a (heavy) dialect? A dialect you don't actually speak or know? A dialect you then, to say it a bit aggressively: Gentrify so your readership can understand it? Yeah no fuck off.

I can handle all characters being able to speak the same language on the same level of skill, and understand each other. Even if two characters come from completely different places, they just happen to understand each other no problem? Both of them speak perfect "English" and none of them have the "foreigner" speaking "English" voice? Ok, yeah, readability. Fine. Suspense of disbelief. But if you then introduce the idea that across countries, all the lower-classes have a heavy and othering dialect? Why? So for some reason two characters from two different languages don't have any language quirks at all, but the lower-class all speaking in "silly heavy dialects"? Stop it.

--

On of my linguistics profs also writes children's books, and she had this whole rant about stupidass "phonetic" spellings that just demonstrate that people don't pay attention to all the other dialects. Her most hated one was 'wanna' for 'want to' because most fast-paced English does some version of that. Nothing especially useful is being conveyed by that new spelling.

Even many uses of '-in'' for '-ing' strike me this way. Yes, there are contexts where I feel like it's giving me a distinctive and clear sense of how this character sounds, but a lot of the time, it isn't giving enough new information to be worth it.

[comicgeekery]

Sherlock and Shoscombe

So, after the deep dive I did with Sherlock & Co and the issues with the Case of Identity storyline, I thought it was only fair that I talk about their take on The Adventure at Shoscombe Old Place.

*Ahem*.....This was a lot of fun! I just looked up a summary of the original story because I didn't remember it well, and no wonder! It was the very last Sherlock Holmes story Doyle published, later collected into The Casebook, and thus...one of the boring ones. I'm sorry. I really don't like The Casebook stories. It's also the last batch of stories that the Doyle estate was clutching onto before Sherlock went fully into the public domain, which makes the story feel doubly tedious to me.

But! These episodes were a blast! Practically a survey of all the best parts of Sherlock & Co! There's fun banter! Heaps of character background! A really clever update to the original set-up! BRILLIANT acting and foley work! A cheeky cameo! And a truly exciting, satisfying end! I think this is the most direct information we've gotten about John's past since, well ever, but certainly since we learned about his memories of his dad. Now we know that he grew up in a very class-divided town that once felt so much bigger. And he was deeply in love once, with a woman he lost partially because of classism. (Which is such a great mirror for Beatrice and her husband's situation!) He also lost his friends because they had privileges he didn't. (Did John join the military partly as a way to get away from his roots? Out of a desperate need to be praised as a hero?)

No wonder John has so much resentment for the wealthy when it's so deeply personal. I think it's going to be comically awkward and VERY interesting when he finds out that Sherlock is mega super rich. Holmes is often theorized to be the son of a lord in canon. I figure he's at least from a wealthy family that was able to pay for him to go to tons of fancy schools. And then personal tutors. And a full-time staff that always took care of cleaning and stocking up the groceries. (For all his observation skills, I do think Sherlock grew up never considering who made his household run.) I think part of why Sherlock has been so touchy about John's anger at rich people is because Sherlock is SUPER nervous it would ruin their friendship. I am also so pumped to see what the podcast does with Mycroft! I wonder if his autism might be more limiting than Sherlock's. Like he's got the genius skills, he's got the deceptively powerful government job, but he can't handle going out into the world. Going to Baker Street would be an ordeal. Might have a full meltdown if he's not at home, work, or whatever the Diogenes Club is updated to. But.....It's hard to tell how much Sherlock & Co wants us to suspend our disbelief about some things. John and Sherlock have very clearly committed a LOT of crimes on their publicly available podcast. Maybe that will never be addressed or MAYBE Sherlock, Mycroft, or other Holmes allies have been bribing and intervening to keep them from getting arrested. Imagine the drama! "You hate the rich, but you owe all your success to MY money and power, 'Dr.' John Watson!" *Blinks rapidly*

Where was I? Oh yeah, Shoscombe. That. God. Damn. Chase. Scene! So bold for a podcast to have a climax with a car chase at the center. The foley work was top-notch for the driving and the terrain and then the crash and sinking in the lake. Whoever plays John Watson, you did an incredible job! The reckless car chase where, OF COURSE, he still narrates everything, the diving for Robert (and the clever layer of the recorder fritzing), and that CPR! It was all so engaging and believable! I love when John does doctor stuff generally, but this was my favorite example since the gunshot wound at the wedding with The Solitary Cyclist. Not sure I buy Robert's at-home crematorium as being 100% good, but I can believe John thinks so. Might help that John's a bit more desensitized to cutting into corpses than most folks. Finally, I'm sure folks are quite excited that a certain James made a cameo. (Maybe he's interested in why Sherlock and John keep getting away with all their crimes.) I knew he was going to show up at some point, and making Moriarty a listener shout-out is delightful. I just hope it's a while longer before he's ON the show. It always frustrates me when Moriarty winds up becoming basically Lex Luthor. Then again, we've already had similar cameos for Irene Adler and Baskerville Hall (and probably some I've missed) without them showing up yet. We'll see how it goes!

Good job, Sherlock & Co! I'm excited to see what you do next!

[haveyouseenthishorrormovie]

*breaks fingers* Let's go, mod Sus' rant on 247°F (2011)

Talking from the viewpoint of a finnish person, while the movie itself is American, and no I haven't actually watched this one but I did read the plot summary and watch a little bit for proper arguments.

TLDR: Characters are freaking idiots and physics don't work in this world, apparently.

For the reference, 247° fahrenheit is about ~120° celcius. So yes we're talking about hot sauna. I personally can stand 100°C for a while at best but anyways.

I guess we could start by inspecting the sauna itself first. It's supposedly electric sauna (which, it doesn't even look like a proper one but more spa/steam sauna than an actual good one) but also with this large rock pillar stove in the middle of RELATIVELY LARGE ROOM. With no leveled up seats, just one seats on same level + you could sit on the backrests for more space and height I guess. Compare that to actual proper finnish sauna:

This is a bit of a mix of modern and traditional sauna but only by the looks. Pay attention to seats on different levels, you want to have seats near the ceilings because that's where it's the hottest. Hot air raises up so it's cooler at the floor level, if not even very cold after getting used to the temperature at standing level.

Now the stove in the movie is supposedly the kind you throw water onto to release the steam and more heat. And here comes the fun part. In the beginning, they set the temperature to 187° F AKA ~86° C???? AND THEN THEY SAY IT'S "CRAZY HOT"???? IN THIS VERY LARGE ROOM WHERE HEAT SPREADS OUT A TON? BITCH THAT PLACE IS COLD and they act like they're already toasting in there???? Weak ass americans. AND THEY DIDN'T EVEN TOSS WATER ONTO STOVE BEFORE THAT, they have just this one huge heat source in the middle of LARGE ROOM that's like WARM at best??? You're supposedly to throw water on that thing, or otherwise it'd be same as you'd just stand next to a hot cooking stove. You don't even start sweating properly without the steam which helps with the heat releasing from your body. You're just cooking yourself with that thing.

Okay, so just? Turn off the electric heater (which becomes a major plot point of the movie, so that's not an option here for some reason?), and don't toss water onto stove. LAY DOWN ON THE FREAKING FLOOR??? WHERE IT'S COOLEST OR EVEN COLD BECAUSE IT'S ASSUMINGLY MARBLE/ROCK/WHATEVER FLOOR. Sure if the average temperature in the room is 247°F aka ~120°C it is hot, but it's still cooler at floor level far away from the stove.

And speaking of the heater. At first I thought it was like, they set the heater to get hotter and hotter on purpose but why would you do that if you can't handle shit??? I guess the thermosthat malfunctions or some shit or because the heat keeps rising??? That's not how electronics work as far as I'm aware but suspend my disbelief I guess. I can't tell too much what the characters decide to do without spoilers but let's say they're all massive idiots with their choices. This is all on them. (BTW if this was a traditional wood-heated sauna, just stop putting more logs in the fire, lol).

Okay, let's assume it's all because uh physics broke or something. It's getting hot in there. You got a small window there, and even in trailer we see characters manage to break it. But apparently??? THE HEAT DOESN'T ESCAPE ENOUGH FROM IT???? WHAT. You can this huge room with one heat source, it's cold outside, and the heat still doesn't escape enough to make it more managable in there or at least near the window to cool them off??? Physics, hello???

Like legit the entire point of the movie is it's getting too hot in there but there's so many things that help you to stay cool in there until something gets fixed. The characters aren't even drunk which would've made this so much more belieable because alcohol is probably the main reason (aside sudden health problems like cardiac arrest) people would die in saunas because they pass out in there. But no, this is just idiot characters being idiots.

Also take your freaking clothes off, cowards. You can't even call yourself a sauna movie if there's no bare butts and peenors and natural hanging booba in non-sexual bathing setting through entire movie smh.

[lesvegas]

ritchie’s🎃💀 ABCs of Horror Movie Marathon!! 💀🎃

Horror movie challenge prompted by @quintsmachete

Day Fifteen - O is for Old (2021)

I saw the beach that makes you old.

I don't think anyone in their right mind would go into this movie and expect anything good, unless they were completely unaware of the man behind it and hadn't even seen one of the trailers. I knew to expect stupidity, and stupidity is what I got, so I really don't have a right to complain here.

But not enough of my favourite movie critic youtubers have torn this movie a new one, so give me a minute.

This movie has some of the worst acting I've ever seen. The children were borderline jarring to witness after the performances of the child actors in Let The Right One In, but the adults really aren't much better. I'd argue the parents sounded twice as stilted with incredibly unnatural dialogue that had me both laughing and cringing. The family 'drama' also screams of a writing team where not a single member has ever met anyone who knows anyone who's gotten a divorce. As a child of divorce with two younger siblings, I always find poorly written families like this extremely funny.

The cinematography is nothing special, but there were two types of shots that were especially awful and funny. First is what I can only describe as David Cage style camera angles where nothing is really the focus, there's weird zooms and erratic camera movements, and it genuinely feels like a quick time event is about to happen. Second is extremely zoomed in shots behind the child characters' heads to obfuscate the fact that they've aged rapidly despite the fact that we can hear they sound older AND see that they're taller and their anatomy has changed (and that they're different actors now). I genuinely don't understand why Shyamalan thought the audience would find it shocking to see their faces five whole minutes after we were already told that they're older besides to drill it in for anyone not paying attention.

Speaking of aging, it makes no fucking sense. It doesn't have to make a lot of sense, but with a movie like this it's just begging you to fall into one of the numerous stupid plot holes instead of suspending your disbelief. Everyone ages rapidly but the adults barely change the entire time, particularly the black characters don't change at all, no one's hair or nails grow 'because they're dead cells', bodies decay almost instantly, a baby is born (I'll get to that.) but dies instantly from not receiving enough attention, somehow the cliffs surrounding the beach are rapidly aging everyone via magnets or some shit and trying to leave the beach makes everyone black out but they're just fine walking into it? I know there's more plot holes because I was questioning the movie at least once every five minutes but I didn't take notes and I'm not gonna rewatch it.

I should actually talk about the horror in this movie. There are a few elements that genuinely feel uncomfortable, but not all of them felt like good horror. The few elements that work are inherent to the premise; things even Shyamalan couldn't fuck up when adapting the original graphic novel. Some of the symptoms of rapid aging, like the exacerbation of disorders and impending death, were... occasionally handled well. But half the time, it just felt absurd, and absurdly dark to the point where it was just funny. Or really, really uncomfortable.

Okay. In Shyamalan's defence, two of the kids making a baby is in the source material. The girl going through all stages of pregnancy in like, an hour, is also in the source material. But that doesn't make it any less fucking weird and uncomfortable, and not even in a horror movie way. These kids were six years old about fifteen minutes of screen time ago, them even knowing that much about sex at all is kinda odd but everything that follows is just. I could've gone without ever seeing this shit if I'm being honest. And all that discomfort is almost immediately followed by the baby just, like, dying (it does not die in the novel). And it's wrapped in a blanket and just a bit later when it's moved we just hear bones rattling and ashes trickling out of the folds of the blanket, like... I feel bad, but I laughed. A lot. It's so fucking stupidly dark I couldn't even react any other way. There isn't even anything to mourn; we don't see the baby and I refuse to believe anyone watching this felt anything for any of the characters.

This movie is weird and gross and bad. And funny at times, but mostly bad. There's a twist ending that I saw coming a mile away because it feels like something Bethesda would write. What can I even say about it? It's stupid, polarizing, and as far as I can tell draws no inspiration from the source material whatsoever. It's also just the cherry on top of a fat fucking sundae of plot holes and shit that makes no fucking sense. I have more questions about the twist ending itself than the rest of the movie. I could ask them here but I don't think anyone actually reads these reviews besides one or two of my friends and it's 2:32am and I'm hungry.

I was gonna give this one dead baby out of five, but that seems a little too edgy even for me. And I don't think there's an emoji that can accurately depict a dead baby, so. Uh. This gets one age-inducing beach out of five I guess. 🏖️🗌🗌🗌🗌

Stupid fucking goddamn movie forreal. How the hell did Joe Rogan and Ben Shapiro even figure out how to get out of there by the way.

[princehendir]

saw the post about dwarven tax/inheritance fraud where you list friends etc as nephews. would like to know more about how that works. does it only work within the context of orzammar's legal system or has it spread outwards to be used by surface dwarves etc and is varric listing hawke and co as his nephews? how does it tangle things up if anders gets listed by both brosca and varric? also when/how did oghren die? bc i feel like it was implied he was dead.

It's really more of an Orzammar thing because on the surface, it's not considered as taboo or unusual to have someone who isn't directly related to you in your will, at least not among lower-class and Ascendant families. It still happens in Kalna families though, but less often and at a much smaller scale than it does in Orzammar, because the Merchant's Guild is less likely than the Shaperate to let you get away with having A Lot Of Nephews.

anyways, there's a couple of reasons you might do this. Inheritance-wise, the reason this is done is mostly just to ensure that someone actually gets what you leave them. The contesting of wills is extremely common, especially in noble families, but it's so extremely much harder to successfully contest someone's right to what was left to them if they were a direct family member* of the deceased that most won't even try, so making someone your nephew is functionally as close as you'll get to a guarantee that that specific part of your will will go through as written.

*I'm still nailing down details on this but to be clear nephews, and more specifically your sister's sons, occupy a weird niche culturally and legally for dwarves, where in some cases a nephew is functionally the same as a brother or a son. A very direct and intimate family relation. Part of the reason that nephews are used for this kind of thing is because you can have the benefit of direct relation without having to explain why the person in question doesn't really look like you (your sister might already have a different mother or father than you and look very different, so it's easier to suspend disbelief)

Another reason, of course, is that being brought into your House may be a step up, caste-wise, for the "nephew" in question. This and the last thing are both often done in exchange for some other shady deal being done, much like adult adoption fraud in the real world. Like you pay me x amount and I'll move you up to the noble caste. You render x service and i'll guarantee you get y after my death. that sort of thing.

Another reason for adding a lot of "nephews" would be to increase the number of people in your House, which is a form of status symbol in Orzammar. Not really a thing on the surface though.

The Shaperate and the Merchant's Guild already don't cross reference very much, and a lot of Guild families are already not acknowledged at all in Orzammer, so getting listed by both House Brosca and House Tethras probably would never even come up. It's actually not fully unheard of to be acknowledged as a relation in both a surface and Orzammarian family simultaneously, though it does imply you're a skeevy person who does skeevy things lol.

Oghren being dead has been a thing in my canon for a while but unfortunately, I keep changing my mind about when that happened. He definitely died while fighting darkspawn, and it was either at the Keep in the battle at the end of Awakening (like in his one lower-affinity ending slide), or at some point during what is late act 1 in dragon age 2. Can't be more specific than that at this time.

[absolutebl]

Hi ABL,

Are you doing a To sir, with love watch along when you start watching? I hope you do, it's the sort of show that deserves that. It's actually quite great although you must suspend your disbelief very high up for full enjoyment, it has a lovely and hopeful ending.

On another note, I know you don't like to follow china but I just wanted to say I find it funny and sad the journey we've been on with their bls. The way bls were censored until they simply became "they were sworn brothers" bromance. The fact that even with censorship they couldn't stop bls and the bromance became a popular and growing genre. The success of series like Guardian, The Untamed and Word of Honor, made it so that most of their biggest services were rushing to adapt BL ips. So the axe of censorship came for an already censored genre. They placed a soft ban on all bl adaptations even if they were merely bromance. I guess the eye fucking the actors were pulling off was too much for them.

What makes me really pissed though is remembering what they did to addicted and it's actors. Those boys did not deserve what they did to them. Chinese government just makes me really mad, after addicted I was actually shocked any producer would touch bl again, even if censored,then Guardian came.

Now several bromances that were filmed and waiting to air, are just sitting on the shelf with fans like me praying that each new month is THE month that news will come about our beloved works.

Were you a fan of anything that was supposed to come out of China?

❤️ Mimi

Hi!

Are you doing a To sir, with love watch along when you start watching?

Maybe? I hadn't thought about it. I've never really live blogged a binge. If it whips me into a verbal frenzy, then yes. If it doesn't, no...

I agree with you on China. it's because I find it so sad that I don't like to follow it. It's just depressing. And we all self guard our psychies in our own way.

Were you a fan of anything that was supposed to come out of China?

Only Addicted and then, even more so, Advance Bravely.

But if you mean content that was scheduled to be adapted, no. I don't follow the industry there at all. Never have, even well before BL came on my radar. They so rarely adapt IP legitimately and in such a way that it intersects with my IRL job that there is no point. (China doesn't respect international IP regulations, patents, copyright law, etc...) China also doesn't report its ET data in such a way that is trustworthy for analysis. So... why bother paying attention?

[zalrb]

So I also just watched The Substance, and I think I agree with you. I was expecting them to share a consciousness, spend more and more time as Sue at the expense of Elizabeth, because it’s just so tempting to be Sue instead, and being Elizabeth becomes more and more unbearable. I guess they just felt like two completely separate people with conflicting interests. Like they’re supposed to be the same person, but nothing in the movie really made me feel that. Which I guess maybe is the point? If you create a clone of yourself, they wouldn’t really be you, they’d be their own person. Idk. It was a fun movie though. Good cinematography and sound design, cool body horror stuff

Yeah, I can intellectually understand the different reasons why they wouldn't share consciousness in relation to the theme of the movie i.e. when you are considered old, you are forgotten, you are shunned, you are looked at as less than so the more Sue is out in the world, the more Elizabeth feels like she doesn't have the right to exist, but I just couldn't get past the fact that if Elizabeth isn't experiencing the benefits of what Sue is doing then her continuing The Substance just doesn't make sense because all she is experiencing/getting are the consequences so it's not even like I can look at it as a depiction of addiction even when she begs herself to stop taking The Substance because she's hurting herself considering that it's not even as though she's chasing the dragon because she never experienced the dragon then I was like wait, did she even have to pay for The Substance? so it was definitely one of those things where you just have to go with it and suspend your disbelief but the lack of clear-cut motivation really took me out of it.

I did think the cinematography and the overall visual look of the film was cool and the sound design was cool. I think specifically having Demi Moore as the protagonist was a brilliant choice considering her tenure in Hollywood. In terms of the commentary, it felt kind of like Barbie shallow to me though way less eye-roll inducing. And since an anon asked why I don't talk about books much, it reminded me of Mona Awad's work, particularly Rouge. So if no one has read Mona Awad or Rouge, they should check it out.

[thinehitmanagency]

More Silly Facts:

☆ Blaster would be absolutely awful with children. Of any age. He doesn’t pay attention to anything that doesn’t concern him. All that matters is the kid "doesn't touch anything that could give you rabies" and "don't start digging around like a nosy little rat."

☆ Unknwn is probably the gangliest motherfucker in the agency. He is not physically strong, even though he likes to pretend he is. He’s got book smarts and is a super good hacker, but he would get IMMEDIATELY cooked in a fight. But please let him believe he’s the best, most talented and strongest guy ever. His ego is frail.

☆ I don’t think he ever takes off his coat. He sleeps, works, travels, and eats in that coat. As a matter of fact, it’s barely ever been washed. Unless he spills something on the majority of it or it gets really dirty, he will always keep it on. Being away from it causes him great anxiety.

☆ Briar used to play "the can game" with his siblings. Basically, they would throw cans at the next door neighbors’ kids and if they hit their face, head, or neck, they would win. This was not very popular with any of their neighbors. Bellatrix usually always won, with Blythe being a close second.

☆ Dreadelle claims to see the dead! How crazy is that? Being a half alive doll corpse really suspends disbelief, though. Everyone just believes her when she tells them about an encounter she had with Straws or Rabecca, or whatever other ghost she’s seen.

☆ Zinc is a perfectly normal human man. There is truly nothing special about him. Of course, he still gets asked questions like, "Why do your joints creak when you move?" and "why does your voice sound so weird?" But you can rest assured that it is none of your goddamn business. He is just living his life as normally as he can, so please hold your questions and keep a safe distance.

☆ d011in7 does not sleep. He experiences something he calls "radio death," where he temporarily turns off technology within a reasonable radius and shuts down. The internet is inaccessible when this happens, and nothing will turn on. He claims it’s an "uncontrollable problem," but he’ll do it when he’s angry, irritated, lonely, or feeling ignored.

☆ You will notice & is always absent from the agency and from agency meetings. This is because she doesn’t care about any of them. Nonetheless, she still gets paid regularly. No one knows what she looks like or what her job is, aside from Silver and Unknwn.

☆ d011in7, The Prototype! The Original! Do not tell him his systems have been copied across millions of servers and used for other applications that are identical to him. Radio death might occur for good.

☆ Briar was very small and scraggly as a kid, being the shortest out of all his family members and classmates until about 7th grade. Then he hit 8th grade and he got fucked up. He came back over the summer and he was deadass 6’0’’ and he thought he was hot shit.

☆ DLL is constantly being fucked with by Unknwn. "Do u wanna have a hacking comp? :)" no he does fucking not. He wants to be left alone.

☆ Speaking of, DLL has hidden cameras around the agency. No one (other than d011in7) has found them yet, but he insists it’s not for any malicious purposes. He’s just watching. For spies. Like you do.

☆ Bonnibelle, the only mechanic before ▇▇▇▇ shows up, is constantly stealing shit from HQ. She steals from the higher ups, their funky mechanisms, their enhancements, their cogs and their wiring— everything. She claims she’s going to make a powerful super weapon for only the agency to use, without the control "of the big bosses in charge up there." The way she has described said weapon is… sinister.

☆ Cadmium does some funny little cannibalism sometimes. He’s just hungry. Lately he has been trying to curb these urges by biting down on metal with his sharp ass teeth, and fortunately it has worked for the time being. He stays in the attic above the agency, but who knows what he’s doing in there. It smells like copper up there.

☆ Mister G.L. is the local nurse and he is 100% always whacked out on sleeping pills. He has built up so much resistance to the sleep-inducing chemicals that all they do is keep him awake. Which is great! Because the agency medical office is constantly flooded with injured patients, and he could never leave someone hurt. Some say he has a "savior complex," but that is just complete and total nonsense! Him? A savior? Never! Just a brilliant, guiding light for those who need him!

[stormandforge]

Oh wow. Not even the shadow of an explanation about Arakko then.

Look, I came to the Krakoa party very very late (and I'm quite attached to it anyway, so I can only imagine what people like @rei-ismyname are feeling), but I'm no stranger to Marvel reboots breaking my heart, so Tom Brevoort and team are paying for their predecessors here:

It would be nice if direct continuity could be made a priority for writers. Like, a condition of their contracts or something. We, the readers, shouldn't have to be aware of the realities of a reboot. We shouldn't even have to know what goes on behind the scenes.

We're here for stories. Allow us to suspend our disbelief for a minute, please. It's literally your job. Don't interrupt my reading, and my vision of Storm, with, "oh, it's because Brevoort wanted to end Krakoa."

A reboot like From the Ashes will always leave some readers broken-hearted, but you could soften the blow. You could. It's called respect for your readership.

You want her out of Arakko, fine. Just make the first 2 issues of the solo about her exit. Simple. There would have been conflict, a moral dilemma, probably a fight or two. All the elements of a good Storm comic.

And she would have emerged glorious and ready for her next chapter. It would have been bittersweet for the fans of X-Men Red, but it would have been respectful.

But no. She's in Atlanta now, people. Why? Because we can. Don't ask questions.

Good storytellers only leave room for the right questions. But it's no longer about stories, is it?

Anyway.

The explanation will come, it has to. Does anyone have theories as to what happened? Let's do our own storytelling.

Storm #1

I feel kinda churlish poking holes in what was a solid (comparatively) first issue, but really? Zero fucking explanation of why she left Arakko?

It's entirely expected but still so disappointing. I don't blame the writer, either. In a way they told us what they were allowed to do and where they had to start. Fuck Tom Brevoort, seriously. Don't think I didn't see the Uncanny team called the X-Men (which they kinda aren't) and the Alaska team ignored. Great to see Frenzy, of course.

@stormandforge how are you feeling about this?

[captains-simp]

hey! so i love wanda and i was wondering if you could write one kind of enemies to lovers or something like that where reader and wanda don't get along well, jealous scene or maybe a very suggestive fight. very angst but happy fluffy ending please

Enemies to lovers owns my whole gay heart and I CANNOT write it without there being sexual tension so xksksjsks smut alert

@g-cordelia hope it's okay to combine your request with this too so there's a healthy dose of angst and fluff with it

"Please don't go."

"Don't you fucking lie to me."

Warnings: choking, fingering, spanking, strap on sex, mentions of oral and hints at mild injury

6k words

[ masterlist ]

Buy me a coffee ☕

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Your actions jeopardised the whole mission." Steve said sternly before raising his voice when he saw he received no reaction from you or the redhead. "Whatever is going on between you has to stop!"

"You say that like it's ever been any different." Natasha added.

The pair that usually felt like the protective big brother and sister of the team where acing the role of disappointed parents. Admittedly that did make you feel bad, but Wanda showed no signs of giving an apology and you would be damned if you did first.

Natasha and Steve waited for any kind of response from either of you and got nothing. You and Wanda continued to glare at each other from opposite sides of the table, your stubnorness stopping either of you from looking at the two standing at the head of the table.

"Just write up your reports." Steve sighed, giving into the tension of the room before anyone else. If it had been just you, Wanda and Natasha there was no telling how long you'd be in there.

You both got up from the table at the same time, still refusing to break eye contact.

"Y/n stay behind a minute." Oh so they're switching it up to disappointed teachers now. Your attention fell to Steve in a look of confusion although that didn't mean you missed the smirk that played on the corner of Wanda's lips. You cursed her like a sailor in your head and hoped she heard but her back was to you and she was strolling out the room.

"I thought you guys were getting better." Steve sighed as he leant against the table.

"We were when we didn't have to talk to each other." You said honestly. There had been a few weeks prior where you and Wanda had had no missions together and therefore had no reason to talk or train with one another.

"You can't resort to avoiding each other as a way to solve your problems. All that does is make things escalate even more when you're actually together which will inevitably happen. Because believe it or not you two are on the same side and have to act like it." Natasha said sternly. You stared down at the table and thought about how how her words were. But it wasn't like you had that warning before.

When the pair infront of you knew you weren't going to say anything in response Steve filled the silence once again. "You're both suspended from missions until you can learn to work together." He decided.

"What?!" You cried as you snapped your head towards them and stood up. "You can't be serious."

"Deadly." Natasha said. You looked frantically between the two in disbelief.

"Alright." You said finally and clenched your jaw. You turned around and left the room without objection from the two Avengers, heading straight towards Wanda's room.

You never really knew why you and Wanda never got on. Maybe it was because she reminded you so much of the popular girls in high school you always envied while wanting them in your bed...no, it definetly couldn't be that. You just didn't know what.

It didn't take long to get there when you were walking like you were out for blood, that wouldn't be an unexpected result of what you planned. You banged on her door several times in a closed fist so it didn't take her long to answer.

She looked concerned when she opened the door and as soon as she realised it was you that same smirk from the meeting room fell back into place.

"Did they ground you?" She asked as she leant against the doorframe.

"Suspended." You spat. A shit eating grin started to appear but you wiped that off her face instantly. "Both of us."

"What the fuck? I didn't-"

"Yes you fucking did and now I'm paying for it too. You wanna know the best part? We can't go back in the field until we can work together nicely." You said bitterly.

"Why don't they just keep us on separate missions?"

"You can go ask them that later. Right now we're training." You said simply and you grabbed her forearm and pulled her out of her room down the corridor.

"We just got back." Wanda argued but followed you anyway after slapping your hand off her.

"Not prepared to put the work in, witchy?" You mocked, not looking at her as you marched through the compound.

"Don't call me that?" Wanda warned as she kept your pace.

"What are you gonna do? Read my mind?" You continued to taunt as you arrived in the gym and made your way to the mats.

Wanda put her red jacket on the floor and stepped away to take up her position as she eyed you. "I could snap all your bones into pieces so small they could be mistaken for ash." Wanda said stoicly.

"I don't think that's gonna get you another mission." You replied calmly, knowing that while there was a truth to Wanda's words she would never give you more than a split lip or bloody nose in the worst training sessions.

"Don't be a smartass y/n, it doesn't suit you." Your jaw clenched at her words.

Without warning, the entirety of your right arm lit up in flames and was aimed at Wanda in an instant.

You sent a wave of fire her way that she swiftly engulfed in her powers and sent back towards you. She looked less than impressed from your warningless attack.

"That was tacky." She said.

"I know, seemed fitting for you." You grinned but stopped when the red mist surrounded your body and lifted you into the air before a larger wave of fire was sent hurtling down to the redhead. The wall of fire blocked her view of you and subsequently dropped you to the ground as she dealt with the flames.

As soon as you landed and the fire parted you sent another blast Wanda's way only for her to do the exact same thing. You both ducked at the same time, your powers hitting opposite walls and leaving marks Tony would be on your asses about when he found out.

Wanda was clearly thinking the same thing. "We can't use our powers in an enclosed space, especially not yours." She said, her accent thickly woven into her voice.

"Okay then, let's see if Natasha's lessons have paid off." You said as you raised your fists and got into your defensive stance. Wanda mirrored you the way she had been taught and narrowed her eyes.

"They definelty have." She insisted as her eyes flickered over your form to try and identify your weak points already in a very obvious way.

"Just try to keep up." You mocked and swiftly moved to swipe her legs out from under her but she was surprisingly prepared. She jumped up to avoid your attack and kicked her leg out mid air and landed it on the center of your chest. You stumbled back in shock while Wanda looked very proud of herself. The last time you saw Wanda train it was clear she wasn't familiar with close range hand to hand combat. You hadn't expected her to improve so significantly in such a short amount of time.

You gritted your teeth and went for her stomach this time which she easily avoided but wasn't expecting another attack to follow so quickly. She blocked the continuous blows from you until you saw your moments and kicked one of her legs out from under her. Your mistake was thinking you succeeded the moment she was down because she spun around and kicked both of your legs out. You caught yourself partly as Wanda stood up so you were on kneeling.

Wanda's smirk was quick to take place when she saw your position, not missing the opportunity. "You look good when you're on your knees." She quipped.

Your eyes widened at her boldness and a heat rose up your neck that you knew wasn't your powers. You rolled back on the balls of your feet and swiftly stood up to look anywhere but the smug redhead infront of you.

"No snarky remark for that?" She challenged and you charged at her again. Anger feuled your attacks making them miscordinated and all round bad.

"Shut the fuck up, Maximoff." You huffed and made her grin even more at the clear signs that she was getting to you.

One of your punches was pushed to the side and Wanda took the chance to show you just how much she had learnt from Nat. You weren't entirely sure how she even did it it was so quick. Your arm was outstretched behind your back painfully due to Wanda's unrelenting grip on it and made it that much easier to push one of your legs down onto the floor. She held you like that for longer than necessary, soaking up the view of you struggling in her grasp.

"Get off." You snapped and winced when she pulled your arm back more.

"What's the magic word?" She teased.

"Now." You demanded. She tutted and pulled harder. "Maximoff!" You ordered through the pain. She leaned down beside you as her voice dropped to a low whisper.

"Beg." It was one word but you couldn't deny the effect it had on you. It was as though her light breath on your ear shot throughout your body and settled in a place you really didn't want it to.

You were about to object and tell her to stop being a bitch but her grip tightened and she pulled to a point where you thought your arm might just snap off under any more pressure.

"Please." You cried through gritted teeth. She instantly let go all too quickly and you collapsed onto the mat on your front. You heard her chuckle menacingly but cut herself off when Nat appeared in the doorway.

"We told you to write up your reports, not train." Natasha scolded as she watched you massage your shoulder and glare at Wanda.

"Sorry, just got a bit carried away." Wanda smiled, her innocent and sweet act that she put up for everyone except you returning. "Y/n's had enough now anyway." She smirked to herself.

"Fucking psycho." You muttered loud enough for her to hear but not Nat. Her jaw visibly clenched from that making you revel in the small victory as you finally got up from the mat.

"Just get on with the reports." Nat sighed and turned to leave as Wanda called out.

"On it."

"Aww, you trying to be a good girl, Maximoff?" You mocked as the pain subsided and your need to overrule what had happened came through.

"I don't have the time to stress over that, not when I'm busy putting brats in their place." Wanda said as she advanced towards you with a look you had only ever seen aimed at those you were fighting against.

"What?" You whispered as you backed up and felt your back hit the wall. Wanda's hand came up suddenly and wrapped itself around your throat firmly and cut off your breathing. Your eyes widened as you grabbed at her hands but she didn't budge. She looked amused at your efforts as her head tilted slightly to the side.

"And you certainly need to learn your place." She took her hand away and left you gasping for air for a split second before grabbing your arm and pulling you out of the gym.

You stumbled a little as you tried to keep up with Wanda's long strides you could usually match. Your whole body was already trembling in anticipation, more so by the tension filled silence between you both as you travelled through the compound and ended up outside the redhead's room.

She opened her door and shoved you into her room swiftly. You didn't have much chance to take in your surroundings because the Sokovian gripped the back of your neck and forced you to lay on your stomach on her bed.

She made quick work of your clothes, discarding them to some soon forgotten about corner.

You turned your head to the side and gripped the sheets as you felt Wanda's slim fingers trialing up the back of your thighs before she gripped them roughly and forced them apart and lifted your lower half up. Her fingers returned and glided along your drippikg folds, collecting your arousal as she reveled in the effect she had on you.

"What was it that made you this wet, slut? Was it being on your knees for me? Begging me? Or did you enjoy the pain? I bet you enjoyed me choking you too." She chuckled darkly and didn't wait for you to respond.

She slipped two fingers inside your soaking cunt without warning making you gasp out in pleasure. Her fingers curled inside you beautifully, brushing some kind of nerve ending every second they were buried inside you. She had you a moaning, quivering mess in no time.

"Wanda...fuck! Right there, oh God!" She snickered against your skin as she worked her fingers expertly. Even then she wanted to test you. Well it was more that she was setting you up for failure.

"Shut the fuck up. I don't want to hear another sound from that whiny mouth." She ordered and you couldn't help but shiver from her dominant nature.

Of course it didn't last long. Her fingers felt so damn perfect inside you and you couldn't help but moan at the unspeakable pleasure.

She brought her hand down fast and landed it on your ass with a harsh smack that echoed through the room. She did it to both of your asscheeks until they were bright red and you were trembling. The sadistic redhead didn't stop there, she continued to rain down smacks that edged you further to your edge with the pleasurable pain.

Soon, you were moaning into the air as you came around Wanda's slim fingers, desperatly clenching around them in an attempt to prolong the pleasure. Thankfully, she kept pumping her fingers inside you, not caring when the overstimulation kicked in. She even started scissoring her fingers inside you, stretching your walls in a way that has you whimper loudly.

"Gotta stretch you a little to get you ready for my piece, sweetheart." She said in a sinister tone. "There's no way you'd be able to take it otherwise, it's already going to reck you with its size." She husked into your ear and withdrew her fingers, spanking you again when you whined.

Wanda got off the bed and disappeared into her closet, shortly returning with a large strap secured around her waist and pointed at you. You whimpered at the sight of it, not sure you could handle its size.

The Sokovian kneeled behind you and gripped your hips with both her hands as she lined up the strap with your entrance.

"I'm going to fill you up so nicely, Princess. Gonna have your cumming in no time." She husked, her voice dripping with lust.

A scream was ripped from your throat when Wanda thrust the entirety of the strap into your pussy. She set about her harsh, abusing pace instantly and preened at the sound of the pleasure filled cries that left you.

She grabbed a fistful of your hair and slammed your head down into the pillows on your side do she could still hear all of your desperate moans. The rough action earned the redhead a cry of her name.

Her pace was unrelenting, everytime she thrust back into you she somehow managed to hit deeper, pounding the toy against the most sensitive and pleasurable part of your cunt.

"Mommy!" You moaned loudly, not realising your slip up until the words left your lips. Your eyes widened and you feared Wanda's response, but what you got was a smack from the redhead that stung your ass in the best way. Her fucked you with increasing vigor too, wanting you title to spill from your lips again. And it did. Over and over, each time going straight to Wanda's pussy.

"Fuck, I'm gonna cum." You whimpered as you gripped onto the sheets tighter to prepare yourself for your release. But Wanda pulled the strap out the the very tip and held it there as she leant over to whisper in your ear.

"Beg me." She ordered and you whimpered again. It wasn't like you hadn't already submitted to the red head you hated but begging would be something that would loom over you for a while.

Your thoughts clashed with the overwhelming need from your pussy as it desleratly tried to clamp down on the tip that didn't provide nearly enough pleasure.

"Please, Wanda." You whispered.

"Please who?" She asked sweetly, clearly testing you making you groan.

"Please, mommy just let me cum." You whined and Wanda smacked your ass hard. She edged the dildo in further ever so slowly and stopped again.

"Mommy, please! I need to cum." You tried again, desperation seeping into your voice. Wanda hummed.

"I can see that." She mused as she rubbed small circles on your throbbing and soaked clit. "I just don't see why I should, brat." She punctuated the name with a harsh slap to your ass again and you caught onto what she was hinting at.

"Please, I'll...I'll be so good for you, mommy."

"Yeah, baby?"

"Yes! Please mommy I'll be so so good for you. Just please please let me c-" You were abruptly cut off by your own whorish moan as Wanda snapped her hips forwards and filled you up entirely.

One of her hands tangled itself in your hair and forced your head down into the pillows, not stopping your incoherent babbles filling the room along with the sound of your pussy being fucked by Wanda and her thighs slapping against yours.

The Sokovian tugged on your hair again so your head was off the pillow.

"I'm gonna cum!" You cried out into the air.

"That's it, baby. Soak my fucking cock." And with that demand you came harder than you ever had around Wanda's strap and moaned continuously as the redhead prolonged your pleasure by continuing to pound into you.

But it soon became too much for your sensitive pussy. You squirmed away from Wanda but she placed one hand on the middle of your back to keep you flat against the bed.

"Too much." You managed to say, however the redhead didn't seem to care.

"I'm nowhere near done with you, Princess."

*

Laying panting and gripping onto Wanda's bedsheets like a lifeline wasn't exactly what you expected to be doing on a Thursday night. You were drenched in sweat and although Wanda had pulled out the toy minutes prior, you were sure you could still feel it filling you up, the faint throbbing a forewarning of what was to come.

It took you a while to gather the strength to get up. With anyone else you probably would have just stayed the night in their bed, but you weren't sure you could do that with Wanda. Although she wouldn't kick you out, you didn't like the thought of sleeping beside the redhead. It seemed far too...soft? Whatever it was, you were sure Wanda would agree.

You searched for your clothes while she took a most likely deliberately long shower, images of her naked figure covered in water invading your mind.

Once you cursed them away they were just replaced with flashes of what you had been doing for all those hours, remembering how she pulled on your hair as she praised you when you went down on her. Of course you did that while on your knees.

What happened between you and Wanda wasn't a one time thing. In fact it became increasingly common until you were in each other's beds almost every night. You would have been fuck buddies if you had considered each other a friend.

It worked. You and Wanda were able to work out your pent up frustration towards each other in a way that didn't hurt one another....well, if that didn't include the scratches along Wanda's back and the constant aching between your legs.

You didn't even make snide comments about each other in meetings or during training. You were able to keep everything in the bedroom.

The success of what you two had going forced you to ignore the noteable change in feelings you had towards Wanda. You saw her differently but couldn't quite tell how. Sometimes it was as though the unplaceable emotion you had towards her from from start spiked and other times you were purely confused.

It was always most prominent after she made you crash over the edge of bliss or when she came undone beneath you. Those moments when your bodies went limp and you were caught up in each other's embrace because you didn't have the energy to move. Hearing her exhausted breathing match her rising and falling chest and faint heartbeat if you had your head on her chest. Those tender moments were the ones that caught you off guard.

You refused to make a big deal out of it though. You refused to investigate your feelings or even acknowledge them. What you had with Wanda was the most efficient thing you could do. You didn't want to muck it up but you knew it couldn't go on forever. Another labelless feeling emerged at that thought.

Natasha was the only one who knew what you were doing. Neither of you told her, the spy was able to figure it all out on her own quickly and confronted you both about it once, only saying to be careful. That was the only time she addressed it verbally but you could always feel her watching you both carefully when you trained.

You thought it was going great. You and Wanda had finally been cleared for a mission that you would both be on, the team certainly needed the man power. That was until Nat told you otherwise.

"What do you mean I'm not going?!" You exclaimed across the room. You had seen Nat in the meeting room looking up something on her tablet and had gone in to enquire something about the mission that was long forgotten.

"I've thought about it and you and Wanda still aren't deemed the most reliable when put together for a mission, with this one being as important as it is we can't afford to make mistakes." Natasha sighed.

"So why don't you take Wanda off the mission? I have more experience."

"Her powers are perfectly fitted to this mission, we need her."

"And not me." You knew you came across as petty, but you had been dying to go back into the field.

"Y/n." Nat tried but you scoffed and glared at the screens with those assigned to the mission. Your eyes found Wanda's picture first and your jaw clenched at the sight of her ridiculously attractive face.

"What did she say to you?" You demanded as something clicked in your brain.

"She didn't say anything, this is my judgement." Natasha began but you didn't buy it.

"We both know if it was you you would have told me as soon as you decided it. You had no issue with me and Wanda being on this mission before. Hell, you cleared us both for the field." Nat glanced down at her tablet guiltily as she searched her brain for another hopeless lie.

"This is unbelievable." You scoffed and turned sharply on your heels to storm out of the room, ignoring your name being called by Nat.

You soon found Wanda in the kitchen making herself a coffee as she hummed softly. You willed your brain to ignore the warmth you got from seeing the redhead in her own, peaceful world.

"Do you have a problem with me?" You demanded, snapping her out of her trance. She visibly figited when she saw you approach her and lean on the edge of the kitchen island on you hands with an expectant look.

"No?" She said, seeming unsure.

"Don't you fucking lie to me." She seemed startled by your increasing aggression.

"What are you talking about?" She asked as she stirred her drink.

"Don't play dumb with me, Maximoff. You got me off the mission!" Wanda stopped her movements as she froze, clearly caught off guard by your discovery. Given how Nat had acted you guessed you weren't meant to find out it was Wanda who said something.

"It's for the best." She finally said but avoided your eye.

"It is not your place to decide what's best for me, you don't get to do that." You argued.

"There should only be a few people on the mission." She tried.

"I know that, I've seen the intel. But we already discussed that those people should be powered. Why am I being taken off?" You demanded again.

"It's dangerous." She muttered as she stared down at her drink.

"It's my fucking job. You think I don't know that."

"Of course you do, but there's a bigger risk than the usual missions we've been on. A bigger risk of you getting hurt." She muttered the last bit, like she wasn't entirely sure she wanted you to hear her. Granted, Wanda showing concern for your safety was new.

"Any one of us could get hurt." You said, lowering your voice marginally.

"But it's you I'm worried about." She insisted. It was your turn to become uncomfortable, shifting slightly under her gaze that held something new.

"I can take care of myself." You said as you crossed your arms, feeling a sudden defensive need to protect yourself.

"I know... but I care about you." You exhaled slowly, becoming increasingly uncomfortable at the tone of her voice. "If something happened to you..." She continued, "I don't know what I would do." Her voice was barely above a whisper, the softness laced in it undeniable. It sparked something in you. Something you didn't want to accept.

"Good luck on your mission, Maximoff." You said through gritted teeth and went to leave but Wanda was behind you instantly and took ahold of your hand to pull you back.

"Wait, I wasn't done-"

"Well I am." You snapped and yanked your hand out of her grip.

"What..?" She said slowly.

"If you don't want to work with me then we won't, no need to keep fucking anymore." You huffed and went to walk away.

"That wasn't what I-"

"Stop!" It wasn't a cry of anger. It was pure desperation. Your pleading look took Wanda by surprise and pained her to see. "Just stop before you say something you can't unsay." You said shakily. Your unspoken message was received. You didn't want to hear about Wanda's feelings towards you. She just didn't know it was because you were afraid that it would uncover what you had been feeling all along. You couldn't handle it. You were scared.

Wanda nodded, defeated, and let you go. You were filled with grief as you walked away, your footsteps feeling heavier than usual. You wanted to look back, to go back to her. But you couldn't.

*

You distracted yourself with a particularly ruthless training session the day of Wanda's mission. Carol showed you no mercy in sparring, weight lifting and boxing - even encouraging power use every now and then. But your mind still wandered to the redhead the way it usually did.

When you finally collapsed on the mat in defeat Carol chuckled and tossed you your waterbottle before encouraging an ice bath and strolling out of the gym for her evening flight.

You stayed on the floor for a while after you finished your water, only stopping staring up at the ceiling when Nat's outline blocked the lights. You sat up and looked at her hopefully, seeing that she was back from monitoring the mission and didn't seem distraught or upset.

"How did it go?" You asked as she sat down across from you.

"It was a success." She said but she didn't seem all that happy.

"And everyone's okay?" You asked cautiously. Nat gave a half shug and sighed lightly.

"There was ice - a lot if it and it was so cold. Dangerously cold." Nat started. You tried not to clench your jaw or show any signs of annoyance, knowing there was no need to point out that mission was fitted for you and your powers that would have guaranteed everyone's safety.

"Wanda got a little cut up, it was impossible to fight on that ground." You eyed the door and bit your lip, refraining from giving in to the urge to go see her.

"She doesn't want to talk to anyone right now, but she needs seeing to the cut." Nat said as she placed a first aid kit down infront of you. She was back already? And why did you have the kit?

"She won't see anyone either." Nat said before you could verbally question her. It took a moment for you to understand what she was saying.

"I don't think she wants to see me, Nat." You said as you pushed it back her way only for her to toss it into your lap.

"Goddmit, y/n. Can you two stop dancing around each other and actually talk?!" She exclaimed.

"We tried that-"

"Talking, y/n, not shouting or arguing. Talking." She said firmly and got up before you could protest further.

You pondered over what Natasha said for a while. You knew she had a good point, that talking was exactly what you should have done from the start, but it was just another thing that frightened you.

"Your job is facing your fears." You muttered aloud to yourself.

You finally got up from the ground, first aid kit in hand, and trudged along the compound towards Wanda's room. You tried to figure out what you could say on the way. But it all came out a jumbled mess that made no sense. Multiple times you stopped in the hallways and considered turning back before convincing yourself to keep going.

You knocked softly on Wanda's door and was surprised that it opened for you. The redhead in question was sat on her bed with a pillow in her lap, fiddling with her hands the way she always did when she was anxious or deep in thought. That evening it was both.

She glanced up at you as you closed the door but turned back to her pillow quickly when you gave her a short smile that didn't quite meet your eyes.

Regardless, you cautiously walked towards her bed and sat down next to her with the small box between you. You brought one of your legs up under you so you could face Wanda and eyed the cut above her eyebrow in concern. She still didn't say anything, neither did you.

You opened up the small box and got out a pack of wound closure strips and carefully unwrapped one. Wanda didn't object to you gently holding the area around her cut as you placed the strip on and lightly smoothed over the edges until you were sure it would stay on.

"I let my emotions cloud my judgement." She mumbled as you prepped another strip.

"It happens to all of us." You said.

"But I didn't listen to you. I should have." You sighed and stopped unwrapping the strip to look up at the redhead and watch her closely. She looked back at you with a guilty and pained expression that was full of regret.

"Yeah." You nodded slowly as you went back to the medical tape and raised your hands to put it on but the Sokovian held your wrist to stop you. "What's done is done, so just let me put these on and we're good." You said but she still didn't let go.

"Just like that?" She questioned.

"The mission was a success. If I'd had been there you wouldn't have gotten hurt, that's all."

"You were really mad though." She continued and you put your hands down to rest them, not failing to notice that Wanda was still holding your wrist but with a much lighter grip.

"It's hard to stay mad at you." You admitted.

"You've always been mad at me."

"Well it wasn't exactly like you were the friendliest person to me." You pointed out. "I was never mad at you, Wanda. I just hated that... that you made me feel something I've never trusted, so I didn't trust you. It was never your fault, I was unfair." You admitted as you stared down at the tape the whole time, afraid to meet the redhead's eyes.

"What did you feel?" Wanda asked, her voice void of emotion making it more difficult for you to say. You gulped as you continued to stare at the tape, willing yourself to give Wanda the answer she needed. The answer she deserved.

"Love." You voice shook. "I loved... love you." You were shaking more as you finally looked up at Wanda. Her eyes were wide and her lips slightly parted like there was a million thoughts trying to be heard but without the ability to.

She didn't say anything for a while. A long while. She stared at you in disbelief then at her pillow as though it would give her all the answers.

Tears rushed to your eyes that you tried to blink away as your head swam with curses to yourself for admitting your feelings. You had opened up and been vulnerable to Wanda, and the result was the exact reason you had sworn to never do it again.

Once you were sure she wasn't going to say anything to you, you took it as your cue to leave. To leave so Wanda could prepare her rejection speech for you. However, as soon as you put your hand to the door she spoke out.

"Please don't go."

You turned around slowly and met her light brown eyes you had always found impossible not to get lost in when you had your fingers or tongue inside her. You timidly went back to the bed and paused before sitting down next to her, facing the wall instead of her this time.

"I thought it was one sided." She started and you felt yourself begin to shake with nerves again. "I thought you didn't love me back." You looked to Wanda quickly and searched her features for any signs of a lie, any signs that she was setting you up to push you down but she was gazing back at you longingly with tears glistening in her eyes.

"When you confronted me about the mission, I was going to say it then, you knew that." You squeezed your eyes shut and nodded, remembering the fear you felt in that moment.

"I wasn't ready, I thought I wouldn't ever be but," You took a deep breath "I want to try, for you." You took ahold of Wanda's hand to reiterate your point. "I care about you too Wanda, so much. More than I could ever express or even handle and I didn't know what to do about it. I mean we've tried a fair few things now," You both laughed a little, "but it I don't think any of them are going to work as well as accepting it and...and I don't know." You looked to her for guidance because fuck did you need it. You needed Wanda to guide you down whatever path you chose to take, as long as she was there with you.

"Maybe we could start with something small." She suggested with a small smile that made her eyes shine.

"Like a coffee date?" You tried.

"Exactly like that." She confirmed, giving your hand a reassuring squeeze.

"Then I'll pick you up around 2." You said cheesily making Wanda laugh. "But first, I have to finish tending to this cut." You declared as you turned around to face her entirely and crossed your legs under you, pausing for a moment to give Wanda a short and sweet kiss.

[noknowshame]

Hi, you may have noticed me spam liking your posts lol. I have a genuine question as someone who watched ofmd then black sails (and basically has no knowledge of historical or fictional pirates): what IS the lens that first time black sails watchers should have? Because of early season one, i cynically started seeing it as a misogyny fuelled Action drama. and yea i liked the other seasons better but that view of it kind of stayed for me. So i think i subconsciously interpreted a lot of the story choices as being made in bad faith. And i can't really get all the talk about the themes in the story, i didn't notice a lot of them. Do you have any advice on how to flip that switch like a different way to read the story lol i really want to Get this show.

Hi anon!

"What is the lens that first time Black Sails watchers should have" is a great question – and a complex one to answer. I know for a fact that you are not the only person who didn't vibe with it the first time (several of the persons in question now being some of its biggest fans). I have several pieces of advice for "getting it" (buckle in).

1: As you note, season one is quite different from the rest. It is a "product of its time" so to speak, that time being the height of Game of Thrones' popularity. That is the audience it was trying to draw in, and you can tell (I like to call this "straightbaiting"). Its criticisms are definitely warranted, but I would encourage you when (if) you rewatch to pay attention to how the expectations you draw from season one play into later seasons. Season one is all about theatre – the theatre of piracy. Sex. Violence. Action. But that's what it is, theatre. Notice how later seasons subvert expectations and drop the facade of the first few episodes.

2: As for the misogyny you mention. Yes, I agree that the first season makes some choices with its female characters that I would not. However, I caution against keeping such a skeptical attitude as the show goes on, because Black Sails contains and develops more female main characters than many of its contemporaries (and largely queer female characters as well!). None of them are there for set dressing or fan service. They are active agents integral to the plot. The role that women should/shouldn't play is one of the themes of "theatre" that continues through the show, like Eleanor playing the role of Mrs. Rogers (a choice that comes with great sacrifice).

3: If you follow my blog, there is absolutely no way you haven't come across the concept of "The Narrative". Black Sails is a story and knows it. Its basis on both history and fiction (and everything in between) imbues it with a ton of complexity, especially when it comes to inevitability (Treasure Island has to happen, the pirates can't win the war, etc.) Some of the themes you are having trouble seeing might become clearer when you don't suspend your disbelief all the way. See it as a story. And if you want to make it more fun, see how the characters themselves see it as a story. Jack want a legacy above all else. Flint sees himself almost as a Homeric figure. Silver (unfortunately ironically) fears above all else being locked into the role of a single character. Etc etc. It's all very self-referential and that's why I love it.

4: Overall, Black Sails requires a lot of deliberate critical thinking. It's not meant for you to take things at face value. You aren't supposed to agree with everything that Flint or Eleanor or whoever does. You're not supposed to believe everything they say, or assume that they themselves understand the motivations behind their actions. It's not straightforward, and that's what makes it great: you can come away with so many different nuanced takeaways and interpretations. Ultimately, there isn't really one "right" lens to view it through at all.

Anyway, I hope something in all of this helps! Thank you for asking, I'm always happy to provide my opinions!

[rumblelibrary]

Kinky stuff you said?

so... i have this idea

I know we all collectively as a fandom have decided that Andrea is a fluff ball lmao

but I'm rooting for him because...I don't know, like when he got angry when he found out about the letter and started to play the violin all annoyed and how he raised his voice and there is also the look that he gave Olga he gives me the feelings like~

Andrea spank me with that violin bow (we can buy a new one later)

Something like Teach me a lesson sweet boy

Dancing the dance [Andrea Marowski x Reader]

Word count: 2k

Warnings: Smut (fingering, spanking, mentions of cheating)

Author’s note: Do I have to say something? I mean the request is amazing enough

It was just a day like any other in the little village, you opened your bookshop, a small little thing that your uncle run and you were proud to call it your precious jewel. 

You worked hard to keep it afloat, you went by bicycle to the bigger cities nearby to get the best books yourself or the classics, you were determined not to let it die on you, but it was every day harder.

It was almost the end of your day when you saw Mr Barnes come inside, he was a war veteran that suffered terrible injuries, but also an avid reader who would come even twice a week.

“Don’t you tell me you have already finished it, James”

You smiled at him and he shrugged, his playful smirk running over his lips. “I like this Agatha Christie author and her Belgian detective, what can I say?”

He was a player, you knew it and didn’t expect anything less from him, he is handsome and he knows it. But you never took him seriously and even less since a certain shipwrecked violinist made his way to your heart, but truth to be told, you indulged him. Sure, he was a passionate reader, but he loved to come and flirt with you and you need him and his coins to call it a day.

“Well, what’s next then?”

“I don’t know, you tell me, you’re the bookworm, aren’t you?”

His smirk was playful but you ignored it and smiled only moving away from the counter, making your away around the books to try the one you were meaning to offer him next. You always planned one in advance, or even two, just to make sure to give him enough attention but not too much.

“What about…” you begun, your tongue sticking a little put as you’re focused, eyebrows furrowed as you read the titles.

“You’d look even more the part with glasses” he interrupted you and you chuckled 

“I know, I know, I should wear them but..”

“No, I mean that you’d look even more attractive with them on”

You kept quiet as he moved closer, his arm leaning against the shelf in front of you as you mumbled a thank you.

He stared at you following your every move, your hand picking a thin book and handing it to him.

“The Great Gatsby” he read out loud “Is it new?” “No, just American, it was published in 1925”

He nodded looking at it as he moved page after page, his lips pursed in concentration as you tried to move past him, but he just stood still and board in front of you.

“What do you do after work?”

“Oh, well I have some chores to do at home, study new purchases for the shop”

“You always do” he said closing the book with a loud snap making you jolt in your spot

“Let’s have a date night, we could dine at the tavern and you can tell me more about those orders you always have to do” he said taking a step forward as you mimicked him taking a step back.

“Y/N” he murmured “we are dancing this dance from a long time, don’t you think?”

“I don’t know what you mean”

You replied only as you tried to move past him

“You’re very attractive, still unmarried, incredibly tempting for every man in town, you should expect it”

The truth was that you weren’t completely far from anything love related, but Dr Mead advised you to keep your little ‘entanglement’ with Andrea s secret for the time being. Most people still didn’t get the difference of him being Polish and not German and it would only make your life harder for no reason. So you obliged, you closed the curtains at night when he sneaked into your room, you visited him often with the excuse of bringing him books, you pretend not to wish his touch on you every time of the day.

“I said I can’t already”

You took the chance to move past James and take the broom to clean.

He took a deep breath, gritting his teeth as his eyes travelled on you. He was patient, but not that patient, nevertheless you were a delicious eye candy to his eyes. He put his hand to his pocket still holding the book into the other one. He pulled out some coins and left them on the table, there was also a tip from you.

“I like this game Y/N” he said bluntly to you and he looked at the book “also. such a small book makes me think you want me to come back soon”

You looked at him, you matched his smirk, oh he loved to be kept on the edge, didn’t he?

“See you next week” you only said and he gave you a light military salutation to you saying something about being at your orders.

You smirked biting the inside of your cheek as you enjoyed the game for sure, or the dance as he called it, but you were realising how you had to probably tone it down. He was liking it a bit too much and going over the simple play, plus you were losing the plot of it since Andrea came into the picture.

After you closed the day, recorded all the sells and cleaned the shop you wrapped yourself up in a coat, taking an easy children book for Andrea to practice with. On your way out you noticed some scattered flowers on the ground, but you didn’t pay much attention to it.

You made your way to Ursula and Janet’s house, the violin being played out loud, a very dramatic and strong melody going off, almost violent.

As you knocked at the door Janet welcomed you quickly.

“Oh Y/N, please try to talk to him, at least you know German” she said and you looked at her confused “he went out for a walk and came back so angry, he shouted at poor Ursula, she is so bumped, I can’t look after the two of them” Janet said in her own way that made it sound almost funny, if not sarcastic.

You nodded taking off your coat and hat, you walked upstairs holding the book with you, the music getting louder as you took the stairs until his room, you got inside without knocking because it would be impossible for him to hear anyway. The first thing you noticed was his back wrapped in that white shirt and the pants kept up by his suspenders. You still remember vividly the first time you pulled those suspenders off his shoulders, it is still one of your favourite things to do as a prelude of what is about to come.

“Andrea” you called him as you closed the door behind your back, locking it just because you know how much Ursula likes to peak in.

He turned around suddenly, almost scaring you off as he held his violin in one hand and the thin bow into his other hand, his eyes on fire, jaw clenched and his back straight like a soldier.

“You bezwstydny” he shouted at you and you looked at him even more confused “schamlos” he said then in German.

“Shameless? Why?” You asked frowning, you had the luck to know German because your family immigrated to Cornwall before the WWI to join your uncle’s business, but that didn’t help when Andrea was so mad to decide not to tolerate any other language by his own like now.

“I saw you” he said spitting venom “You think funny?”

“But what?”

“You with that man in bookshop!” He growled putting down the violin because it was at serious risk of being thrown on the floor.

You parted your lips in shock as he said that, so those flowers were his? 

“Did you come to pick me up?”

He nodded but his lips pressed against each other in disgust.

“Andrea, don’t make that face, he is just a client acting up”

“You act up”

You looked at him shaking your head “you don’t understand” you said.

He raised his eyebrows.

“oh no, I do understand”

His voice was different, his accent thicker than ever, there was no trace of the usual sweet smile, almost mischievous, that he always had on his lips.

He sat down on the chair were Ursula watched him for nights on “on my lap”

You frowned “no”

He raised his eyebrows “I think you not understand” he said threateningly “Are you playing with two men?”

You shook your head vehemently “You know it is not like this” you stated “I want only you”

He didn’t seem impressed, he pursed his lips in disbelief and let out a sarcastic chuckle twirling the bow between his fingers.

“Then prove it”

His accent hitting you again, you loved it, but the way he said it, that didn’t feel comforting.

You stared at him, you didn’t want to argue with him, he was already too mad and to hold a conversation was to ask too much.

So you obliged leaving the book aside and making your way to his lap sitting on it.

“No this way” he said wiggling underneath you to make you stand up

“gebückt” he said in German waving the bow to you. Oh, so he wanted you bent over it?

You stood uncomfortable for a moment but then you nodded again, you needed to get past this crisis, no?

So you moved your dress a bit to make your way onto his lap, you wanted to ask what now but then you felt distinctively the way he pulled your skirts up.

“Andrea” you hissed at him but by now he held you in that position pushing your panties down, the cold air hitting your bum, your cheeks bringing from embarrassment.

“You like play, so you get to be punish like little kid”

You blushed even more if possible, you wiggled but he held you down firmly until you stopped struggling and settled in the position he wanted.

“Repeat numbers in English for me” he said and you whimpered as he smacked that bow onto your ass earning a gasp, your shoulders trembled inward as it was more painful than expected.

“Number?”

“One” you replied immediately, how much do you have to count, you wondered.

You whimpered as other two snaps to the stick followed very quick together

“Andrea, please stop” “If you wanted me to stop you’d not act to earn it” his words an hiss between his teeth “we begin again now, you didn’t count”

You groaned but another slap reduced you to a forced obedience “one”

He smirked widely as he twirled the bow in his hand, you could’t see him but you could ear the way it cut the air around.

You obeyed and counted all the three snaps that followed, your breath itching and your hands trying to reach out to the floor to gain some advantage in the positioning, which still felt too embarrassing, the constrictive exposure of your bottom making you feel uneasy.

Andrea saw that movement and he reached down with his free hand clasping onto your jaw making you look up like some animal in need to be tamed. Another whip hit you.

“Five” you groaned as now your position felt even more humiliating, you shivered as he chuckled

“Now you will be good during more strokes, if you manage to come to dziesięć then you’ll be free”

You groaned, how much is that? The confusion in you was showing as your body stiffened. The unknown scaring you, your core clenched shamelessly, your wetness revealing a pleasure that was evident, a dirtiness of your own that you didn’t expect to meet.

“Only five more”

He whispered and smacked your ass again, you whined squeezing your eyes

“Six”

Oh, to see you so obedient.

“You like to be a tease, don’t you? You love it, showing off like a whore to that man, to all the men, you sell them the whole experience for few coins? You make them believe they can fuck you?”

He smirked hitting your ass again, your hips buckling against his leg as you were looking for relief from that desire

“Seven”

“You love it, you love to be desired by many don’t you?”

“Eight”

“You want them to dream of you at night, to desire to fuck you and smack your ass like I am doing now, these skirts only making them dream more”

“Nine”

You were sobbing by now, his hand on your jaw making it hard to breathe and speak

“Who is a whore?” “I am”

“Who is my whore?

“I am”

He smirked, he was pleased giving you one last whip, the hair of the bow falling down as some of them broke, oh you know too well how much that will cost you, Andrea wasn’t one to easily ruin something like that.

“Ten!”

You almost shouted it, your thighs trembling and knees kept closing and parting trying to find some relief.

Andrea leaned down kissing the back of your neck as he gave you time to calm down, let the humiliation sink in.

“Andrea” Ursula’s voice rang from behind the door “Are you quite alright? Dinner is almost ready”

“I am! Y/N and I need a moment” he said, his voice completely different and far from the dark threatening voice that poured over you a second before “We will be down in ten!” As he spoke he touched over your wet slit, how shamelessly you were patching his pants with all that excitement, so slowly began playing with you, you winced biting on the fabric of his tailored cloths trying to hold back any sound while those skilled violist fingers kept scissoring inside of you. “We haven’t done yet”

Tagged @cazzyimagines​ @lieutenantn​ @handmaiden-of-mischief​ @thesunflowersutra​ @zemomybeloved​​ @fictionlandslanddreams​ @charistory​ @greeneyedblondie44​ @apparrio​ @hb8301​ @whatawildone​ @rhymerhymerhyme @thehuiabird @lilith-blackrose @unbeatablecurlgirl

Let me know if you want to get tagged to my publications too <3

[everyurlithinkofistoolong]

Do you ever just watch a year old midsommar review where you just know the reviewer has weird dudebro brainrot so they are physically incapable of understanding the deeper meaning of the movie

So far this person has said:

> Dani is annoying, needy, and overly emotional

Yes ..... That's the point. Trauma can make you annoying, needy and overly emotional, especially pair that with the anxiety of growing up with a heavily mentally ill sibling.

> Dani is unlikable

Dani isn't a hero protagonists who you have to like. The goal of every movie doesn't have to be that you like the protag as a person. You just have to know that she is in a very bad place.

> Dani should have just gotten over her family's death in 6 months (or at least played it off as a joke as if it wasn't an important part of the movie)

No. Just no.

> christian is the victim and did nothing wrong

Oh my god did we watch the same fucking movie. He's stuck in a shitty place, he's bad if he breaks up with her and bad if he doesn't. He chose to stay with her while also remaining emotionally unavailable and even somehow turns the blame directly onto her when she finds out he planned a trip without her because he intented to break up with her before her family died. This is what the movie leaps off of from the start. This is what primes Dani to be the most vulnerable to the cult.

> the death of Dani's family plays no role in the movie

Genuinely need to know if this dude has a single ounce of emotional intelligence or does he think that somehow the cult needed to have literally planned her family's death in order for the movie to have a good pay off. Her family's death was just supposed to add to her crippling loneliness. She is the perfect victim for a cult because of this. They target her because of this. That's the point. Oh my god.

> why didnt everyone just leave??

Slightly valid point but they were also tripping on acid the entire time. Also, the British couple did want to leave, they got killed. The vast majority of the group are anthropology students- their whole field of interest is based on studying this type of stuff. Anthropologists irl have studied weirder shit from weirder isolated tribes.

But also, this is a horror movie. Suspend your disbelief for two hours.

> Christian is raped and killed and it's framed like he deserved it. The feminists can't keep getting away with this.

This is what grinds my gears the hardest, because people who liked the movie and people who dislike the movie will say this same thing. No, Christian didn't deserve to be sexually assaulted and no he didn't deserve to be brutally killed. You're expected to exercise the tiniest amount of critical thinking to understand that the cult was manipulating Dani and preying on her to this point. Just because some weirdos on Twitter don't understand that, doesn't mean that's what the director intended. You're supposed to be horrified. That's. The. Point.

> the movie was too long and I got bored

Surprised he even sat through the movie tbh

This is like joker (2019) all over again except the sides are switched. This is more akin to a character study, with a horror spin, of someone indoctrinated by a cult than anything else. You're supposed to see how all the circumstances of her life converge into the moment she finally loses it in the end, groomed by a Nazi white supremacist cult. Nothing more, nothing less. My god.