#so that situation made me think maybe I am a believable liar

[polaroidcats]

51 and 63!!!

51. Are you a good liar?

hmmm I think I'm an okay liar? I am never sure if I'm a good liar bc whenever I lie it feels so obvious to me haha but I actually think it doesn't come across that way. I try not to lie much though, but ofc sometimes I do, usually just in situations like making small talk with coworkers or stuff like that, I'm very honest to the people I know and trust bc I see no point in lying to them!!

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

Ohhh this was so much harder than I thought?? But dinosaurs! Dinosaurs are so cool!! (So are dragons, this really is a rude question, making me chose!)

Ask game!

[silvershiningtarot]

🧸Pac: Message From Your Divine Masculine & Feminine 💪❤️🍂

Disclaimer: this is a channeled message from your Divine Masculine and Feminine and see what kind of message they had to say to you guys. Enjoy! Remember this is a general reading.

Pile 1🫢 Pile 2🤞

Pile3🫂

🫶🏾❤️🫶🏾❤️🫶🏾❤️🫶🏾❤️🫶🏾❤️🫶🏾

“Hey, You! This is your husband. I'm gonna come out and say it. I'm kinda little jealous. I'm looking at someone else's success. Sometimes I be wondering how the fuck they got it and I didn't. That shit should be me. So I am trying to build up my business and seriously, be fucking jealous baby. But whatever though. Don't be like me. Baby, please, be better than me don't look at other people's success thinking or wishing that was you. Nah, you don't want their success because you don't know how they got theirs. I am your divine masculine. I dealt with a lot of bullshit from people who tried to knock me down. But I fought my way back up. I keep my head on my shoulders. I am my boss. I am an honest man/woman. I take accountability for my mistakes because I dealt with a lot of dishonest people in the world. I don't fuck with liars. I can't stand them. It frustrated me. So I know you are dealing with a lot of karmic friends and those people are lesson-learns. Don't worry about that contract is done with these friends of yours. I'll be there standing by your side making sure that these assholes don't touch you. That's right, I am your bodyguard, and if anyone has a problem with it then guess what I'll knock their head off their bodies. I dealt with a lot of bad friends in my life who stole from me and continued to say they loved me. Like the fuck! Wack! Forgot those bastard babies. You are so much better than that. Your aura and energy are perfect for them. So let's move on. I've made some mistakes in the past. That is unforgiven. Even I believe myself is unforgiven. But all the mistakes you've made and that I have made will help us grow to become better. But I am willing to change my attitude and my mindset on love ❤️. So, baby, we can do that together. I can feel it in your soul that you are willing to change your life and mindset. Here is my surprise to you. Will you marry me? I will get on one knee for you and ask you in front of the whole world that I will marry you. Do you fantasize about our wedding? Because I do. I would want to take the next step with you. Okay, whoever cyber-bullying you let me know. I will bust their head wide open. My advice to you is that don't listen to people and their bullshit. People love being happy in misery. So take my advice and focus on yourself and our future together. Imagine our wedding together. Once we do meet, baby, we will start our life together. You and I are each other’s new beginning. Remember us and where I'll be your new beginning your fresh start. We all need something new. My Queen to be as my forever. Don't ever tell me never. I promise you I'll make your life wild. I'm already crazy about you, my love. If you find me attractive then that's cool with me too. Yes, I have a big egotistical issue but I am working on it.

🍂❤️‼️🍂❤️‼️🍂❤️‼️🍂❤️‼️🍂‼️❤️🍂‼️🍂❤️‼️

“Okay, I know you think I do flirt with a lot of females and males. But that's just my nature. I am a charmer. I am a friendly kind of person. But with you, you are something special. You make me work for you. There are times I don't like that but other times, I fuck it with heavily💪. You put me on a whole different level than I ever experienced in my life. I have a little message for you, I'll be the type to bring you flowers even if you don't like flowers I'll change your mind about it. I'm starting something new in my life. I had to walk away from a situation that wasn't meant for me. I'm ending a lot of cycles in my life. I'm planning on relocating somewhere else. Maybe, closer to you. I want to clear my mind and move forward. I'm working on healing my inner child and watching a lot of cartoon movies and shows 📺 to heal my wounds. I feel that you and I will watch a lot of movies together. I know you need to heal your inner child as well. Watch some movies and cartoons shows whatever makes you happy. Shit, I'll watch it with you. That's not a problem with me. I feel that you need to pay close attention to your inner child. They need some attention. I have been feeling so lost. I went through some shit that I felt that nobody wouldn't understand. Because I felt stupid, unloved, and not heard. I didn't work on myself so now I'm trying too. I know you probably dealt with toxic connections whether it's a relationship, friendship, or family relationship. If that shit is toxic for you then might as well, get the fuck out of it. I dealt with a gaslighter and manipulated people in my life. I'm still going through it. I don't want you to go through it. Because I don't want you to feel lost or lose yourself for someone else bullshit. It just fucking lame to me. Excuse my language. I know it. I'm still dealing with a toxic relationship. I'm trying to move forward but my ex keeps coming around and I'm still in a relationship. Don't be as stupid as me. I keep getting heartbroken by her/him but I'm trying.”

🌸👏🏽🌸👏🏽🌸👏🏽🌸👏🏽🌸👏🏽🌸💐🌸👏🏽💐🌸👏🏽💐🌸💐🌸💐🌸💐🌸💐🌸👏🏽💐🌸👏🏽💐🌸

“Hey, Baby do you hear me calling? I don't want no drama. Because you're my darling. I'm sorry, my Goddess. I've been hard on myself lately, a lot of fears have been creeping on me. I don't know how to confront someone. Got any advice? I'm afraid to talk to you sometimes I feel that you are going to reject me. I dealt with a lot of false mask people. Some of my friends aren't showing who they are and my ex-lover is mine. I think I've been betrayed. I don't have time for it. My heart has been shattered plenty of times. I am just ready to move on with my life. Are you? I know you probably have unfinished business with your ex and so do I. But I am manifesting new love in my life. I want that new hope so I can have a fresh start with you. Can you believe me when I say it? I fantasize about having good sex with you. I wanna fuck your brains out. I wanna blindfold you and feed you strawberries 🍓. I wanna put all kinds of fruits around your lips and put them in your mouth 👄. Your tongue is sexy. Can I lick it? It’s just this ex won't leave me alone. They won't back off me. Every time I've tried to move on she/he always pops back up. What am I curse? Do you feel the same way? Like don't you wish that we could just open our eyes and then we just ended up in each other’s lives? That would be fucking fantastic. Haha 😂 anyway, how are you? Have you been eating? Are you eating healthy food and water? I hope that you are because your body is important to me 💔 your health is important to me. I want us to watch our children grow up and watch our grandkids play in our grass while we sit in our rocking chairs. As old people together. You are my rest of my life. Remember that.”

[seeds-and-sins]

Light My Fire - Part Three

Pairing: Ben "Soldier Boy" x F!Reader

Rating: M (Crude Language, Graphic depictions of violence, Mentions of depression and death)

Description: Soldier Boy is dead. And his absence affects you more than you expected.

Tagged: @tonixe, @chernayawidow, @mrsjenniferwinchester, @deans-spinster-witchs-favorites

Part Two

Author's Note: Apologies for the long wait. I have had a lot going on, but I am always ready to dig back into my writings. I have a few other stories I am in the process of catching up on as well.

"What?" You could feel yourself on the edge of your sickness, having recovered almost fully to excellent health. You waited then, and waited, and waited, and you waited because you found yourself excited to show Soldier Boy that you had gotten better. The last time you were together, for some reason, it made you wish he had never left. You still found him infuriating, but the reality of the situation was that you tended to enjoy the odd ball conversations and quips that teeter tottered between you two, despite that. "What do you mean?"

They chose Countess to give you the bad news. You didn't know why. You hated that they chose her. Although, there was no one that could inform you of this tragedy that was free from your wrath.

"He-" She had tears in her eyes, but they didn't feel very genuine, did they? "He didn't make it."

"You're lying!" You jumped up from your seat in the meeting room, nearly everyone flinched aside from Stan Edgar. Edgar remained suspiciously calm at his seat at the head of the table. "You're lying to me!"

"Phoenix, he's gone. I watched it with my own two eyes." The Legend was standing at the corner of the room, you looked to him for an explanation, even knowing that he never would have witnessed what your fellow team members had. He shrugged at you, the pity filled and morose expression on his face made you heat up with rage.

"I don't believe you. I want to know everything. What happened? It's impossible!"

"Phoenix. Honey." The Legend was unable to stop you as you began to pace, eyeing up the others like they were fresh meat and all of them were about to be thrown in the fire.

"He saved us. He saved all of us." Mindstorm ducked his head after speaking those words and it was in that moment you knew something was wrong because the air thickened with a harsh tension. Mindstorm was never a good liar.

"Then where's the body? None of you got the body?!"

"How could we? W-We would have died." Gunpowder cried out, his bottom lip wobbling, but he too couldn't meet your eyes.

"Then I will." Your white cape swung out behind you as you booked it for the doors. It would take you a couple hours to get to Nicaragua, but you could do it, you would do it for Soldier Boy.

"One moment, Phoenix..." Stan Edgar's calm voice penetrated you from afar, you didn't face him. "Think rationally. If Soldier Boy did not survive that minor nuclear blast, then neither would you survive it's remnants." You closed your eyes, a wetness rippling down your cheeks that turned into steam off your lashes. Your fists clenched at your sides and you bit down on the inside of your cheek. "You are not the only person mourning a great loss, the world is mourning for a fallen hero, and they need the remaining members of Payback to stick together and rise up."

"How can we rise up? We don't have a leader." You glared back at him, unable to hide the red burning in your irises.

"We don't need him, we just need each other." Even more proof that they were lying, Crimson so swift to give up on Soldier Boy, so swift to forget his importance.

"I should have gone, I should have been there. Maybe I would have done a better fuckin' job than you shit heads."

"Hey!" Tessa protested, you were at the other end of the table, glaring back at Stan Edgar.

"Perhaps..." His next words would haunt you for ages to come. "But you weren't."

...

1994...

You stood before a lengthy window that spanned the entirety of one side of your home. The view of a New York skyline, metal structures reaching toward a crystal blue sky. The sun bled through, your shadow cast against a pristine marble white floor. You were wearing your hero suit, which had changed over the years. It was mostly black, with red accents that followed the curves of your body. Your former suit was all white, but Vought claimed you had been wearing that suit for too long. You needed to rebrand. This new suit still had a cape, it was slanted off one shoulder and it was cut shorter than your last, ending at your lower back. The boots were knee high, with latches of vibrant red.

They started having meetings about your name too. The board hadn't come to a consensus. They wanted to keep you, relocate you after Payback finally disbanded. The issue was no one could ever get ahold of you. The Legend called nonstop, he could barely get your attention at scheduled events. You were never in your penthouse, never available for a quick conversation. You knew what they wanted, but for nearly an entire year you had been avoiding it. In fact, you had been putting all of your energy into a separate project. Outside the knowledge of twisted Vought executives and nosy journalists.

Where was Phoenix? They all asked.

What is the former Payback hero up to? Newspapers read.

The other members of Vought became bought out poster children for big corporations. Vought occasionally had them doing shows and special appearances. Crimson Countess became the face for a nationwide insurance company, the TNT twins had rights to their very own movie franchise, Mindstorm was an author of a New York Times bestseller, Noir, despite his impairment, continued doing signings and attending Vought funded events, and Gunpowder's fame dissipated into nothing as he grew older. There was the occasional memorial for Swatto. And then, of course, the annual Soldier Boy celebration of life. They even put up a poorly crafted statue in his honor, directly in front of the ever-rising Vought tower.

Phoenix knew that this was the only chance she had at rounding up all of Payback's former members. It was the only time of the year that all of them weren't scattered about at different parts of the country. Phoenix-You, were determined to gain their audience. You were more than prepared for it.

So, you called them to your penthouse. Unlike them, Vought didn't immediately kick you out from the tower's many different living accomodations. Vogelbaum and the Legend spoke on your behalf numerous times about your quality and significance as a hero. The others had seemingly died down in popularity, but for decades you could pride yourself in keeping an endless following. You used these facts to your advantage.

Your penthouse was usually filled to the brim with vintage furniture, little war trinkets from the old days sat on black wooden shelves. Today, you ensured it was mostly empty, or out of the way. You had a solid floor plan, no walls aside from the ones that bordered the penthouse. The walls were white, the kind of jarring white that matched the floors. Expensive paintings and photos of a distant past litered your walls, colorful decorations hung from the ceilings. The kitchen was to the far left, it was rounded with a bar counter and an island in the center, fully stocked. Your flat screen television was at the far opposite wall, accented by nothing. The couches, the mahogany coffee table, the end tables, your bed, everything was pushed up against that same wall. It made the entire center of the home barren. Not that it didn't already look somewhat empty, but there was certainly something off about the sight.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Your head tilted, ear turned toward the door that was far out behind you.

"Come in." You prompted in a sickeningly sweet tone. The door creaked open, in entered Crimson Countess, a smile plastered on her lips.

"Ah, Countess." You faced her, approaching with sure strides. You enveloped her in a strong hug, which she lightly returned. You could see the discomfort on her face, despite the smile she wore to hide any suspicions from you. You held her at arm's length. "Let me get a good look at you." You smirked, giving her a once over. "You look just as good as I suspected." The offhanded insult caused her to frown for a moment before she returned to her appeasing demeanor.

"Phoenix, you look..." Countess looked you over from head to toe, cocking her head and blinking away the initial confusion. "Not a year older."

"Trust me, Countess. It's a curse more than anything." Your gritted teeth betrayed your curved lips and bright tone. "Please. Let me get you something to drink." You quickly moved from her toward the bar, while she slowly twisted around and took in the appearance of your penthouse.

"What's up with the furniture?" She rose her voice a little to reach you, words echoing off the high ceiling.

"I'm making a few changes." You went behind the bar and began making her a drink. You were mixing and stirring, grabbing things from the fridge, working with a startling fluidity. "What's your poison?" She followed up to the bar counter, tentatively placing herself at it's edge.

"I'll take whatever you got."

"Sure." You both made eye contact, and you knew that Countess' uneasiness was well-founded then. "Something troubling you?"

"Well, uh-" She snorted nervously, "What have you been up to?"

"Not much, really. The usual."

"Hmm." You shook the cocktail you were making, procured two tall glasses from below with the other hand. You placed them down in front of her and then poured, a stern glare now adorning your face.

"You nervous?"

"No. Of course not. Just uh-" She shrugged, "You haven't talked to us in years."

"Sure." You immediately grinned, another knock at the door followed.

"Come on in." Black Noir and Mindstorm were the next to enter. "Wow, we got a buddy system going now."

"Phoenix, my dear, so good to see you." Mindstorm greeted, Black Noir was his usual quiet, observing behind the protection of his mask.

"Ah, Dan, how ya' doing?" You gestured Mindstorm to come closer and embraced him in a hug. He sent you a raised brow before you attempted the same to Noir, who stiffly stood there in waiting. "I expect the twins will be late as usual. I don't mind waiting. Want something to drink, Dan?"

"Sure." His eyebrows were furrowed and he was eyeing you in suspicion. "I'll take a glass of scotch on the rocks."

"Of course." You rounded the counter to continue serving your guests.

"Is there a reason you invited us here?"

"Oh come on, a girl can't want for a family reunion?" Gunpowder was invited, but you knew he wouldn't show. Moments later the twins came in, with their false smiles and their flaunty hero personas. The general vibe though was that something was off, and they were perfectly right in thinking that, you didn't invite them for nothing. But even after everybody got their drinks and things started to get comfortable, you were waiting on one more guest. He showed up excruciatingly late, entered your home with a placid expression. You knew his tardiness was purposeful, considering that the entire fiftieth floor of Vought tower was his hunting ground.

"Stan Edgar." Your former team had remained congregated around the bar, but there was an immediate shift in their energy the moment they saw Edgar. You hovered at the opening in the bar counter, drink still in hand as you eyed the man with a steely glare.

"Phoenix," He greeted, eyes lifting and examining every other hero that stood around you. "You invited your former teammates as well, I see."

"We, uh..." Countess gulped, standing straighter, "We didn't know she had invited you too, Mister Edgar." Everyone looked at Phoenix, your eyes were flashing red and your glass was turned orange from the heat of your hand. You inhaled a deep breath and placed it down on the counter.

"The annual celebration of life is tomorrow. It's the only chance I had to get all of you losers together." You stepped into the open space where Edgar now stood. You stopped directly in front of him, you stared into his eyes. He didn't flinch, his face didn't wrinkle in fear, he didn't beg. He knew exactly why you called him here.

"Where have you been Phoenix?" He asked, a casual way about him, you swore that even the edge of his lips curled into a half smirk. He crowned his fingers in front of him. You had seen him here and there around the tower, he had aged significantly since he was in charge of the teams affairs. Now, he was promoted, an executive, taking charge on Vought's boards and in all of the slimy crevices where Vought hid their darkest secrets. He wore a business suit now in contrast to the laid back, expensive garbs you recall him wearing when you first met him. He looked as corrupted as his soul, a real life devil. "For months, the top floor has been trying to get in touch with you."

"Vacation." You stalked away from him toward the window, your boots making deafening thumps in the stark silence that followed.

"Have you forgotten that it's been my word that has kept you here all this time?" You gritted your teeth and tilted your head away from the view, eyes squeezing shut.

"Do you think I want to be here?" The venom was practically dripping from your teeth with every word, back still turned.

"Hmm," Edgar pretended to sound surprised. "You've given us no reason to think you don't." You didn't reply and your quiet forced Edgar to continue with a sigh. "The remaining members of Payback have been moved around, they have adjusted nicely to their new roles, but you remain, why do you think that is?"

"Vought is afraid of me. They're afraid of what I can do. Someone like me doesn't just get to walk away."

"Arrangements can be made." Edgar offered and then the realization of what he was doing came to you in a rush. You spun to face him, unable to contain your growl. The others were a distance away from you and everyone, aside from Noir, flinched. Even Edgar had a fear in his eyes that made you very pleased.

"You want to know where I've been, Mister Edgar?" Your demeanor shifted again, you clasped your hands behind your back, under your cape and chewed the inside of your cheek. "I've been thinking about all those years ago..." Your eyes met his. "When my team told me that he was dead."

"I know." Edgar replied firmly, he shrugged. "And what for? Why trudge up the past?"

"Because..." You glanced at Payback, at their confusion and fear. "They were lying. YOU..." You pointed at him, your eyes flashed. "Lied to me."

"Phoenix..." Countess started, "We never lied to you." Her words were practically a whisper, but it was so deathly quiet that everyone could hear what she said.

"Ya'know..." You closed your eyes for a few seconds and took a deep breath. "I have been alive for sixty-four years and I have seen some fucked up shit, but this? This might just be the worst."

"What are you talking about?" Tessa, one of the twins, spat, but her body language betrayed her. She was afraid too. They all were.

"I was foolish enough to think it was a coincidence that I got sick. Right before one our first missions in a combat setting too." You faced Payback. "And then I thought some more..." You tapped your temple, "It was a really big coincidence that Soldier Boy ended up dead on that very same mission, the one that I wasn't there for." You cocked your head from side to side. "Me. The second strongest member on the fucking team."

"Phoenix-" Dan tried to interrupt, you continued.

"And then, I thought some more..." You paced. "Noir approached me a few weeks before that mission, before I was sick, and he asked me how I felt about Soldier Boy. Isn't. That. Weird?"

"You're overthinking this, Phoenix." Edgar lifted his chin, "Clearly, Soldier Boy's death has taken it's toll on you. Perhaps some therapy. We take the mental health of our heroes very seriously."

"Clearly..." You began fierce, your toes gently lifted from the ground, but you lowered yourself again. "I'm not as invincible as I thought. It took a lot of digging, but I figured it out."

"Okay, this has gotten out of hand!" Crimson had the bravery to step forward.

"Carbon Monoxide!" The room was drop dead again. You had caught them at their own idiotic game. "You fuckers were pumping it into my room. That's why no one ever visited me. And that's why when Vogelbaum came around he was always wearing a fuckin' mask."

"Phoenix, I think you should calm down." Edgar calmly suggested, you flared.

"Calm down?!" Your fists clenched, you had enough of this. "Soldier Boy has been somewhere in fuckin' Russia this whole time and you're telling me to calm down?!"

"We did what we had to do! He was out of control!" Dan explained, you could see he was shaking.

"He was the only person who understood how I felt and you fuckers took him away."

"He didn't care about you!" Countess shouted, "He didn't care about any of us!"

"He cared about me. He did."

"So, what's your plan then, Phoenix? What are we doing here? You found out what happened, what now?" Your eyes turned red for real this time, flames engulfed your fingers and Edgar was casually stepping back as if it was a day like any other.

"I'm going to kill you. All of you."

The first hit wasn't made by you. Crimson Countess threw a beam and before you could brace yourself you were being throw back into the heap of furniture at the far corner of your penthouse. It splintered and creaked, the flames from your body catching on fabric. You flew to the high ceiling and it crackled beneath your feet as you pushed off and darted down to her. Noir pounced on you after you tackled Countess, you easily threw him off and he went sliding into the corner. You could make out Mindstorm trying to get a good read on you and you knew you needed to focus on taking him out first, otherwise he'd be the one to put you out in seconds. Your fist put a hole through the marble floor when Countess rolled away from your punch. Noir kicked you in the head, you barely flinched at the blow despite the crack that sounded. Noir and Countess were more hands on, while Tessa and Tommy stayed away near Edgar, hands clasped between them as they waited for a good shot.

Noir got you into a neck lock, you were swinging about. When you flew up off the ground, Countess grabbed your ankle and yanked you down with what strength she did have. None of them could pin you for long though, you kicked her in the face and she was sent flying through the counter top of your kitchen. You spun rapidly to get Noir off your back, even bursting your entire body into flames, but he held on tight.

"This isn't going to resolve things, Phoenix." Edgar called from the seemingly safe spot that he had curled into. You removed a hand from the arm bar that Noir had around your neck and you threw a ball of fire to Stan, he dodged with a wide eyed and shocked expression, practically throwing himself to the floor to get away.

You managed to toss Noir off again, he smashed into the window and fell out, finding a grip at the edge. The high winds burst through, shattered glass spread out across the floor, your cape fluttered behind you and you faced the Twins, Dan, and a recovered Countess. Your chest heaved and smoke exited your lunges with every breath, you glared evilly at your foes.

"Don't make us do this!" Countess warned, your eyes turned red and flames rose up your arms.

"I'm not making you do anything..." You husked out, "You can just sit there." As you were whirling up a heavy wave of flames, the twins and Countess cast their beams at you. Noir jumped you from behind and held you in place. The entire penthouse went up in a massive explosion, smoke flowed from the open window, everything was destroyed, the marble floor filled with dents, cracks, and smudges of black. As the smoke dissipated, the dust cleared, you were rising slowly up from the floor. Noir was laid out flat, unconscious perhaps, you glanced at him to be sure. Countess was squatting, hands still branched out, blood dribbling from one nostril. The twins were propped back against the wall and Dan was hunched forward, arms shielding his head. Edgar was laid down in the corner, legs spread. He eyed you, scurried himself deeper into the wall. You scowled, with rushed strides you made way for him, about to fill your fists with his blood. Just as you were nearly there...

Mindstorm jumped out in front of you, your eyes caught his, the world disappeared around you.

You fell into the abyss.

...

"Phoenix..." His eyes raked over you like he was hungry, and not the kind of hungry where your stomach growls. "Not what I expected." You accepted his offered hand, you gave it a firm squeeze that even made his eyebrows lift. "Vogelbaum told me about you, a real spitfire."

"Soldier Boy. Vogelbaum told me about you too."

"Good things I hope?" Your hands returned and you both walked side by side through the sea of rich socialites that crowded the room. Light jazz music played in the background, you both were wearing your hero suits, visually putting you apart from the dozens of others dressed in expensive suits and sparkling dresses.

"As good as our profession would allow."

"Spoken like a pro."

"Well, I have been doing this for a while after all." He stopped and cocked his head at you, you turned to face him and smiled at the confusion written all over his face.

"Wait, what?"

"I got my first hero gig in the 60's. You're not the only one that's been around." He chuckled in disbelief, shaking his head.

"That's impossible. That would mean that you're-well-" He squinted at you. "How old are you?" You laughed, then twisted yourself and slowly began walking away.

"It's not gentlemanly to ask a lady her age." He followed after you like a lost puppy, immediately taking the space at your side and keeping a slow traipse with you.

"How come I've never heard about you before?" Soldier Boy was fascinated, wide eyed, intrigued beyond his own belief.

"Before Vought came up with this..." You stopped walking with a shrug. "Team up idea, I was operating on the West Coast."

"So, California?"

"Sometimes." He blinked at you, reeled back.

"Sometimes?" He questioned, you rolled your eyes but you still had that coy smile on your face.

"Vought sends me all over. If I fly fast it takes me about three hours to go cross country. I go where they need me, I guess." This time, he looked you over again with an entirely different energy about him. He nodded his head with approval and lifted his chin.

"Damn, not even Lady Liberty could fly that fast."

"Lady Liberty can't do half of what I can, hun." You were bragging, flirting, laying on all the charm. He was a hot piece, you weren't going to deny yourself a little taste.

"That would make you the most powerful woman on the planet."

"Most powerful person." You corrected slyly, he bit his bottom lip, the action made your toes curl in your boots.

"Oh, I'm sure we could put that to the test if you'd like." The both of you held a deep stare and just as you were about to reply, red manicured fingers were curling around Soldier Boy's bicep, interrupting the moment.

"Phoenix, I see you've met Soldier Boy." Soldier Boy didn't look away when you did, staring intensely at you as you directed your attention to a beaming Crimson Countess.

"Countess, it's good to see you. You look amazing!" You reached for her and the both of you embraced in a hug. Your stomach immediately dropped when you saw how clingy she was being with Soldier Boy and how he was unflinchingly accepting it. You trained your disappointment not to show, instead keeping a sweet rapport with someone you considered a good friend.

"Thank you! You too." You both fell into easy conversation back and forth.

In the distance, past waves of people, conversing, drinking, swaying to the music, you watched. Your heart was pounding in your chest, sweat beading on your brow. There was a blurry haze that clouded your vision, but your focus was solely on the scene playing out leagues ahead of you. You could hear every word, understand every cue. Meanwhile, your presence was absent to all others around you. No one saw you: the obvious dark aftermath of the Phoenix they knew. Lonely. Completely devoid of life. With an uncontrollable desire to die. Numerous people had passed through your being as if you were a ghost, a mere image, a shell of your former self. This was a dream. That was the only explanation you had. A cruel, cruel dream.

"Ben." You whispered to yourself, watching your separate visage deflate as Crimson told you about Soldier Boy and her being an item. The former Phoenix forced a smile, collected herself and patted Crimson on the shoulder in congratulations.

"You guys make a cute couple."

"Aww, thank you, you're too sweet." She stepped toward you and wrapped her arm through yours. "I'm so excited for us to work together. The Legend is already talking about getting a photoshoot with you, me, and Tessa." Soldier Boy defensively crossed his arms, his demeanor taking a major shift.

"If you ask me, women don't belong in the hero world." Countess scowled, you were slowly starting to notice the animosity between them.

"Are you seriously going to start this again?"

"Just saying..." Soldier Boy looked between you both. "Women are really only good for cooking, cleaning, taking care of the children..." He tilted his head and his shoulder twitched. "Sex." He added with a finishing smirk and a wink in your direction. Countess went to make some nasty comment in response, but Phoenix was already speaking up.

"That's the old ways talking. This is the new world. Female heroes are the future."

"Keep telling yourself that, hot stuff."

The bantering continued, entering into a more political discussion that you recall being very one-sided; With Soldier Boy making outrageous claims and you immediately disputing them with facts. Countess was silently standing there after that. Upon her first entering the space that Soldier Boy and you shared, you had been the third wheel. After a few minutes of talking, it became very evident that the third wheel had become her.

You stepped closer to the scene, the distant memory, the dream, whatever this was. You looked so much brighter then. You were practically glowing with life and happiness. Things seemed simpler. You had a job, you did your job, you were happy with your job. You felt supported and stronger than you had ever been. Those times, you missed desperately, to only feel as you had in your younger self. As you were taking tentative steps toward the past, another figure invaded your path with swift and confident strides. You immediately recognized the person as a young Stan Edgar.

"No." You spat, the sight of him unleashed a venomous reaction you hadn't anticipated in yourself. "NO!" You shouted, following after the man. You realized then that all of your powers were gone. You couldn't fly or shoot flames from your hands or, in this case, beat Stan Edgar to a pulp. "YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" He burst the invisible bubble forming around Soldier Boy and you, reminding both of you that you weren't alone or in a private setting.

"Hope you all don't mind my interruption."

"YOU DO! HEY!" You waved your hands around, swatted them at Soldier Boy. They ran through his image as if he was fog. You didn't exist to them.

"Stan. Not at all." Soldier Boy greeted, Edgar sent him a half nod and then continued.

"We were hoping to gather up Payback for a team photo."

"Of course, that would be so nice." Countess answered for the three of you. She grabbed onto Soldier Boy's arm.

"Perfect. Follow me."

"Ben!" You were backpedaling directly in front of Ben with every step he took, your former self and Countess at either side of him. "PLEASE! YOU CAN'T TRUST THEM! You can't trust-" You inhaled a sharp breath, tears ran down your cheeks. "BEN!" You stopped walking and the images ran through you, you dropped to your knees and your palms shot up to cover your face. Your sobs were muted, wracking your body with harsh twitches and shakes. The world vanished around you, and another image took it's place. You sniffled, wiping your tears away as you lowered your hands to get a better look at your new surroundings.

It was your old apartment. From way back in the day. Your first home inside a growing Vought tower. They didn't even have fifty or so floors at the time, but the board was determined to go taller than the Empire State Building. Everything was as you remembered it; 70's styled furniture, peach colored wallpaper, the eyesore of a tv in your living room, the fluffy yet itchy carpeting. You could hear muffled conversation, only growing louder as you watched your older self enter the home. You stood to your feet, eyes narrowed on the man following you in.

You remember him, you thought, he was a Vought executive. Someone with a big name. But you didn't care about any of that as much as you cared about getting a quick release. It was always easier to date or sleep around within company borders, you didn't have to worry about someone spreading rumors to the paparazzi or the news. They had to look out for their necks as much as they had to look out for yours. And Vought was very, very particular about news that traveled and where it traveled from.

"Wow, they set you heroes up big time." He commented, adjusting his tie. He was of average looks; slicked back hair, a nice smile, a freshly shaven face.

"You think this is nice? Wait until you see my mini-bar." You bit your bottom lip, closing the door behind him and giving him a lusty once over.

"Oh yeah?" He snorted nervously.

"It's in my room..." You closed in on him, grabbing him by the tie and yanking, he had no choice but to come forward. "If you want?"

"If I want?" He repeated back, "Like I would ever say 'no' to you." His hands fell to your hips, you pulled him closer till your lips were touching. You were moving fluidly together, lips parting over one another, tongues mingling together, swapping spit, a little awkward on his part, but enough to draw a low moan from you. As things were getting heated-

CRASH!

The door to your penthouse broke entirely off the hinges, falling flat onto the floor, splinters of wood exploding everywhere. Soldier Boy stepped over the door, fists clenched at his sides, jaw tight. The Vought exec was clinging to you for safety, putting your body between him and the door. You blinked at Soldier Boy in shock, before anger fell over you like a blanket.

"What the fuck?!"

"Who's this prick?" Soldier Boy hissed, gesturing at the man curled up behind you and using you as a shield.

"That's none of your fuckin' business! What do you think you're doing?!" You stepped forward, the man kept directly behind you, fingers clenched at your shoulder.

"What do you think you're doing?!" Ben shot back, grimacing when he followed your movements and approached as well.

"I'm trying to get laid, which is none of your business! Now get the FUCK out." Your eyes flashed red, the man winced and darted away from your body, he held at his hands. His palms were sizzling from the immense heat that had risen in you. He screeched and dropped to the floor. Neither Ben or you reacted, instead keeping your rage.

"Considering you turn me down at every turn, I'm thinking it is my business."

"YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!" You yelled in his face, at the top of your lunges, getting an inch too close.

"IT'S AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP!" He yelled back, Ben and you both knew that was a lie.

"GET THE FUCK OUT!" You pointed at the door, shoving his shoulder, he only budged a little.

"HELP!" The man was rolling around on the floor, wiggling his burnt hands about.

"Look what you did!" You pointed at the poor guy, literal steam was coming off your skin you were so angry.

"What I did?! That was your fault!"

"Oh. There you go again! Always blaming it on me!" You stormed away toward your kitchen. "Can't take any accountability, can you? Ya' fuckin' asshole."

"You should take accountability for being a whore." He stomped after you, watching as you pulled a handle of cognac from beneath the countertop.

"Because I won't fuck you. Real classy!" You retrieved two glasses, pouring the orangey liquid into each glass.

You snatched up your chosen glass and sprawled forward into the counter, downing the glass in one go. Soldier Boy grabbed his glass, he eyed you with a sour expression, then sipped. Holding the empty glass up to your forehead, you sighed.

"We should probably do something about this guy."

"You don't want to know what I would do to him." Soldier Boy sassed, downing his own glass he limply dropped it back onto the counter.

"Fuck you." You grabbed the phone on the wall and made a call.

As you were intently following the movements of the past, the visage changed once more. You were surrounded by police cars, news trucks, standing in front of a bank. The alarms were going off, people were screaming inside as gunshots sounded. You were twisting around, trying to find out where you were. Instead, you spotted Soldier Boy conversing with the police chief. As he stepped toward you, a loud whistling split the sky, it went silent and everyone looked up. Soldier Boy kept walking, your former self was appearing from the clouds above, dropping down to the ground with a startling swiftness. He halted and you landed directly beside him, boots meeting the pavement with a thud.

"I fuckin' hate you." You growled, crossing your arms. Soldier Boy ignored you completely, squinting at the entrance to the bank.

"Seven hostages, three perps. We can go straight in, or we can take'em by surprise."

"I'm not really in the mood to prolong this, so let's just get it over with." You both calmly walked side by side up to the bank, Soldier Boy kept his shield posed at his side and a steely seriousness on his face. You trailed after them, desperate for another memory, for another feeling. Upon entering, Soldier Boy and Phoenix were both immediately bombarded with threats. Heavy duffle bags were stacked up over by the check-in desk, each perp had a handful of hostages. One of them had their gun held to the head of a woman, a bank teller, her eyes were red, filled with tears, makeup smudged down her cheeks, and gagged at the mouth with a tie. The robber's breathing was ragged, chest heaving with each pump of adrenaline, finger held on that trigger.

"Take one more step and the bitch gets a bullet!" He shouted, Soldier Boy and you froze, you glanced at each other. He was the first to shrug and look back to the robber.

"Okay." He said, completely nonchalant to the threat. The gagged woman whimpered at the prospect that she might die in that moment. That not even her heroes would save her. You couldn't find words, dumbfounded that Soldier Boy would even say such a thing. You stared at him for confirmation, he nodded to cue you in. He was going way off script that day.

"Y-Yeah..." You placed your hands on your hips and stood tall. "Go ahead and shoot." The robber did fire the gun, but next to her head and you knew her eardrum was blown out for it. You flinched, whereas Soldier Boy remained planted and terse.

"I'm not fuckin' around!" The robber yelled.

"And neither am I, stop being a pussy and keep to your word." The robber's eyes widened, you mirrored the man's expression and immediately sought to deescalate.

"The way I see it, you have two choices..." You gestured at them, "You kill the hostages and we kill all of you, or you let the hostages go and we take you in." Soldier Boy smirked, scoping out the men as they all shared uneasy glances.

"And either way, it's all the same for us."

"Except..." You emphasized the word through clenched teeth, directed at Soldier Boy, then added. "We much prefer that no one dies today."

There was a tense quiet that followed, a precursor to the chaos that erupted out of nowhere. All perps began unloading their magazines on Soldier Boy and you, little clinks and jingles sounded as the dented rounds fell to the floor one by one. The hostages that weren't gagged, screamed for their lives, ducking down as bullets seemingly came from every direction. Loud clicks started to sound, soon all of them were on empty. Soldier Boy and you looked down at the puddle of lead at your feet, then to each other. He smiled.

"They don't make dumb fucks like you anymore, do they?" Soldier Boy commented, you held your hand out to him and he grabbed it with his free hand.

"Our turn." You prompted, just as Soldier Boy twirled and easily took you with him, he tossed you at the main assailant. Your body was rolling through the air, landing directly against the criminal with a sickening crack. Soldier Boy jerked his hips and threw his shield at another. The last perp was trying to make a run for it. You had already killed the main one by breaking his neck and Soldier Boy's shield definitely left a mortal injury on the other. Usually, the two of you would keep one of them alive for the press opportunity of standing in front of a camera and smiling, like two hunters showing off a prized stag. But Soldier Boy made a dead sprint for the third, he had different intentions.

"Soldier Boy! Last one lives!" You reminded, but it was too late and he was tackling the man to the floor, pummeling his masked face in with a barrage of fists. After a few beats, he came to stand, blood spattered all across his face and the chest plate of his suit. "Was that really necessary?!" You shouted to him in annoyance, voice bouncing off the high ceilings of the bank, whimpers and sobs sounding in the background.

"I'm in a mood today, sweetheart, so shut your pretty little mouth."

"You think I wanted to be here either!" Neither of you anticipated a fourth male shooting up from behind the counter with a bomb vest and a trigger in hand.

"I'M LEAVIN' WITH MY MONEY OR NO ONE IS WALKING OUT OF HERE!!" Soldier Boy and you had moved ahead to stand beside each other. Your hands were on your hips, his bloodied fists dangled at his sides, you both carried a stone coldness about you.

"Listen, kid, did you not just see what happened?" Soldier Boy gestured at his three dead accomplices. "If you don't put that trigger down that will be you."

"If I push this button, everyone is gonna' die." The man was shaking to the core, you could see sweat collecting on his skin through the eye holes of his mask.

"Not us," You spoke up, "We won't feel a fuckin' thing. So, just put the trigger down. You're not accomplishing anything with this."

"Fuck you!" He yelled, lifting the trigger in the air. You weren't thinking, you flew fast and gathered him up in your arms. You shot up and crashed through the ceiling of the bank. The bomb went off just as you cleared the building, blood spattered all over, you were holding bits and pieces of a mutilated body in your hands. The fiery explosion disappeared in a haze of black smoke. After the initial shock of being covered in blood and guts, you were lowering yourself out in front of the bank. Your hands were still clinging to dead pieces of the perp, hostages were exiting the double doors behind you and sprinting into the safety of police officers and EMS.

"Phoenix!" Soldier Boy barreled out of the bank, nearly destroying the doors and pushing aside an innocent woman that was in his way. He cupped your cheeks and held you there, staring down at you, investigating you for any injuries.

"Soldier Boy, I'm fine!" You ground out, grabbing his wrists and prying yourself from his clutches.

"Don't ever do that again! Do you understand?!" He pointed an admonishing finger in your face, snarling at you.

"What?! It's not like I felt anything, I'm fine, okay? I saved everyone."

"You didn't communicate at all?!"

"There was no time to!" You chuckled in disbelief, palming your face. "Besides, you're the one over here not giving two shits about the hostages."

"You didn't actually think I was going to let those fuckers hurt them." He cocked his head at you, the corner of his lip tilted up in a charming smirk before he rolled his eyes. "Seriously, I would never allow that."

"Well, this isn't the first time." You elbowed his shoulder, then looked to the crowd. Aside from the officers and the hostages, news reporters were bursting at the seams to cross that tape and rush to Soldier Boy and you for an interview. They were already taking photos, despite the hefty distance, shouting your hero names. "I'm leaving." He grabbed your wrist, tethering you to the earth.

"Now hold on a sec, why don't we go get a drink? Unwind."

"I'm covered in blood..." You tore yourself away. "And the last thing I want is to be anywhere near you." He frowned, tonguing the inside of his cheek. The wind whistled as you ascended into the sky at full speed and disappeared into the clouds. His brilliant eyes followed after you.

Meanwhile, you were drifting through the bank doors, watching every aspect of these dreams that were swirling in your head. Soldier Boy faced you, he looked directly at you, your eyebrows furrowed in confusion and you looked behind you.

"You." He spat, taking those few steps till he was within arms reach. The space that separated you both burned, your head began to throb.

"Me?"

"Yes. You." His strong jaw clenched and his eyes darted up and down your figure. "You can't trust them." He muttered under his breath, "They're lying to you."

"What are you talking about? What do you mean?"

"Wake up..." His words bounced inside your skull, you were hunching forward, clutching your head. "Wake the fuck up..."

Everything surged toward you, a heavy breath filled your lunges and you were jolting upright on a metal examination table. You were struggling to catch your breath, a palm naturally finding purchase at your chest to ease the pressure.

"Phoenix." Your eyes darted in the direction of the voice, Vogelbaum and a nurse were standing a safe distance away at the corner of the room. "Calm yourself." He smiled, it turned your stomach. "Everything is okay."

"W-What-" You were wearing a hospital gown. Your double vision focused until you were staring at Vogelbaum again. You blinked at him, eyes drifting shut, out of your control. "What happened?" You groaned, he turned his back to you.

"A gas valve went off in your penthouse. It's making headlines right now. You missed Soldier Boy's celebration of life."

"Gas valve?" You sat up straighter, weakly so, glancing around the room. It was all white, a lab of sorts, familiar to you from experiences that you had ages ago. You tried to prop yourself up on an elbow. "Soldier Boy?" You wiped your hand down your face. "W-What?"

"The blast knocked you unconscious." He turned to you, then started placing a bunch of stickies on your body, starting with your temple, then your collarbones, then your wrists and onward.

"What's going on?" Your voice trembled.

"Stay calm." Vogelbaum expressed, he cupped your cheek when he was done and smiled at you. "You're safe. This isn't like when you were sick."

"But how did I get knocked out? I-I-I've taken countless explosions."

"Well, you're getting old. It's normal to experience some wear and tear."

"Hmm..." You dropped your head into a palm and sighed. "I missed Soldier Boy's celebration?"

"Yes," He grabbed a clipboard, the nurse that was with him began clipping on a bunch of wires to the circular stickies, they were attached to a machine on a rolling cart. "Do you uh-remember him?"

"Soldier Boy." You propped your chin under your fist and nodded your head, a vision came over you and you were staring off into nothingness. "Yes." You gulped, shaking your head.

"Could you..." He waved two fingers at you. "Describe the day he died to me?" As you tried to collect yourself, flashes of lights and blurs filled your head.

"I uh-" Your eyebrows furrowed, the nurse flipped a switch and a short whizzing noise sounded. "Only recall bits and pieces." You shook your head, narrowed your eyes on him. "Why does that matter?"

"You were comatose for several days. You experienced a concussion," He dismissed. "I'm making sure that your brain is functioning to it's fullest capacity." He pulled up a stool and plopped down in front of you. "Phoenix, tell me what you remember about that day."

"Um..." You bit your tongue, itched your temple. "Soldier Boy and I went on a team-up. One of the Nuclear Power plants in Ohio. We saved as many people as we could. Ben told me to..." You felt a lump form in your throat. "He told me to go on ahead. The plant exploded and when I found him, he was a shell of himself. He died in my arms."

"Fascinating..." Vogelbaum mumbled, head buried in the clipboard as he scribbled notes. You glared at him and he got the message.

"What I mean is..." He tapped his pen at the paper. "It's fascinating that your brain recovered so much from the incident." You blinked at him, confused by whatever he was trying to hide. You knew he was lying to you, you could feel it. You just couldn't figure out why. "When you were under, your brain activity was off the charts. What was going on?"

"I-" You inhaled a deep breath. "I was dreaming about the past, I guess..." You snorted, shaking your head, eyes widening. "But it was like I was looking in, I wasn't apart of those memories."

"Interesting." His pen raced across the clipboard as he jotted down his thoughts.

"Look. I don't want to be here. When can I leave." He stood up, patted you on the shoulder.

"Sadly, we'll have to keep you under observation for a few more days." The nurse turned the machine off, it powered down with that same whizzing sound.

"I'll break out of here, then." Vogelbaum held his hand up, it did little to keep you from getting off of the metal table.

"Now, there's no need for that Phoenix. What's a few days to make sure that you're okay?" You sent him an uneasy grimace, then crossed your arms.

"Fine, but only a few. I'm not staying here longer than a week." You began unclipping the wires, "Scratch that. You've got two days."

"Okay," Vogelbaum nodded, scribbling something on his clipboard again. "I can do two days. Mind if I run a few more tests?" You collected the wires in your fist and tossed them to the nurse, who fumbled catching them all as they hit her chest.

"Not at all. I love being violated in every which way." Vogelbaum snorted, you sent him a sardonic look. His chest rose and fell with a deep breath, he waved at the nurse.

"Jenny, would you give us a moment." As Vogelbaum passed you, you caught a reflection of yourself in the mirrored glass; two way, you were being watched. Nothing you were new to, you had been in this same position before. The metal door creaked as Jenny rolled the machine out of the room. It made a resounding thump when it shut behind her. The door must had been heavy, inches thick even. For something so minor as a bump to the head, Vought was taking some serious precautions.

"Phoenix, let's talk. Just you and me."

"This another test?" You itched the side of your neck, your fingers catching on one of the stickies on your skin. You began to peel it off, feigning a calm and collected outward appearance. Inside, your body was screaming, your head was pounding, you could feel a weight heavy in your chest. Your anxiety was getting worse with each passing second and you couldn't figure out why.

"Perhaps." He sat on the stool again, clipboard forgotten in the crook of his arm. "I know it's been a tough year-"

"Okay, we're done here." You rose to your bare feet, about to take your leave, removing stickies aggressively as you went.

"I'm trying to help you, but you have to work with me." You stopped at the metal door, with your back to him, you squeezed your eyes shut and shook your head.

"I'm tired."

"I know." You rested your forehead to the metal. "The depression hasn't gotten better, I'm assuming." You turned to him, arms crossed in a defensive stance, then shook your head. "I've created something that might help." He reached into the pocket of his lab coat and procured a bottle of pills.

"Don't you know by now that medicine doesn't work on me." You said lowly, eyeing the orange bottle.

"This will. It's more potent than any drug you've ever taken, I tuned it specifically to you." He offered it toward you, "And I guarantee, it's going to make you feel very, very relaxed." You accepted the bottle, looking between his all too friendly smile and his creation raveled in your vice grip. "Try. For me?"

"Okay..." You bit your bottom lip. "I'll try."

Return to Master list

[impala1967dwinchester]

Dean Winchester- A Promise

Pairing: Dean Winchester x PlatonicFem!Reader

Pov: Dean Winchester

Warnings: Fluff, Angst-ish, Yelling, Cursing, 18+

Summary: When Mary Winchester ruins her relationship with both Dean and Sam. Y/n only wants to help, so she sets something special up for Dean.

A/n- Firefly-graphics for dividers; this is a request from anon.

WC- 1.0k

Dean W. Master List // Main Master List // Requests Master List

Listening to my mother come up with some bullshit excuse was more than I needed in my life at this point. She claims she's not blind to the way the Brits work, but I think that's bullshit. We both think it's bullshit.

Sam had been taken and tortured by these guys, and all the other bullshit they had dragged us into. She was less than understanding of the fake people she was working with. Sam is more than disappointed; he never grew up with Mom. I did, but it's not like four years can make a real change. Mary wasn't the same person I knew so long ago.

"When did you start working for them?" Sam asks he looks so sad, but I can't throw my own anger to support him right now. We had been around a lot of liars, we are liars ourselves. "Since the lake house, it was their case." I stand there dumbfounded that we were somehow having this conversation standing in the bunker.

"You kept that from us." I relive the whole moment, Cass had almost died. Her words just started to mold together. her bullshit lies. A hunter had died, and all for what a better way of doing things. I could never believe that my mother was that type of person. The person who puts herself before others.

"Our whole lives you've been gone. You said that you needed time. No, you said you needed space, so we gave you your space. No, you needed space from us." She stares at me and my younger brother, and I can feel another set of eyes on me. Y/n, a girl we found over eight years ago. She was a young adult, but to me, she was my daughter a daughter that I don't think I'd ever want to walk away from especially not how my mother just did.

"I'm your mother, but I am not just a mom, and you are not a child" My heart nearly jumps out of my chest as I hear the words hit my ears. Not a child, I never got the chance. "I was never a child, so between us and them." Mary desperately tries to back the situation out of the corner it's been driving itself into. "It's not like that Dean." I swallow the words that want to come up, and look over at Sam, "Yeah it is Mary, and you made your choice so there's the door."

I at this point end up just walking away, my heart is broken and the tears burning at the edges of my eyes are hurting more than the anger I'm pushing further down in my chest. My daughter watches as I brush past her and into my room. Slamming the door, that's when the true and real emotion comes falling out of me. The tears fall and the way I just can't catch my breath.

I had just gotten her back, Sam had just started learning about his mother from his mother. All for Mary to go and fuck it all up because she wasn't honest because she lied to both of us. It's hours before I leave my room.

A knock on my door is what had me dragging my ass out of my room. the tears had stopped only a few hours ago, and the only thing that sat in my chest was the burning, boiling anger. I open the door, and there's my daughter Y/n standing with hopeful and sad eyes. "Dean, do you want to maybe come and watch a few movies with me?" She asks her voice cherry and trying.

As much as I would have loved to go out and watch a few western movies with her I just couldn't bare the thought of yelling or screaming at her all because of Mary. Or even worse bumping into her because she hasn't left yet. When I had haven't answered Y/n continued, "I even invited Sam, he's waiting for us." She tires, "Honey, I'm really not in the mood right now, so…" She nods like my anger is something she's used to having to work around.

It burns me, but she smiles, leans in, and kisses my cheek, "That's alright, Dad, you know where we are." With that Y/n is walking away and I shut the door. The way my heart burns in my chest. My daughter and younger brother were trying to get over the yelling and how Mary had burned everyone here in the bunker.

I stare at the shut door, and then at the picture of Mary and I when I was young. I pull out a book, a diary of sorts. I write down everything that happened. All the emotions I wanted to push deep down, all the things that went wrong, and all the things that could have gone right.

My wrist hurts when I smell popcorn being popped in the kitchen. The laughter that's filling the cold and silent bunker. I close the diary and poke my head out of my bedroom door. The laughter grows and it's a mixture of Sams and Y/ns. I can't help but be drawn in by it. I poke my head into my man cave. The lights are all off, the only light coming from the TV. An old western is playing on the screen, and all my favorite treats are on the table in front of the old couch. "Dean?" I hear Sam question, looking away from the TV, "Yeah, it's me." Y/n's eyes light up and she turns a massive smile on her face, she pats the open spot between her and Sam.

"Come sit here and we can restart the movie." She says with cheer in her voice. I can't help but smile in return, "alright" I move quickly, Sam and Y/n are smiling widely up at me. "What made you come out?" Sam whispered, I dig my hand into the bowl of popcorn, "The food Sammy boy." He rolls his eyes, while Y/n curls up into my side. "It will be okay Dad, I promise," Y/n mutters as the movie restarts. I lean down and kiss her forehead, "I hope so honey."

Completed on: 05/08/2023

Posted on: 05/08/2023

Deanie Beanie Girl- @kazsrm67 @deanswaywardgirl @ijustlearnedtolove-beep-bop-boop @mrspeacem1nusone @dilfloverr @akshi8278 @fofisstilinski @band--psycho @doctorlilo @wonderfulworldofwinchester @flamencodiva @samsgirl93 @stoneyggirl2 @hobby27 @fanfic-n-tabulous @silverose365 @winchestersbitch-dm @alexxavicry @gabrielasilva1510

[darklinsblog]

The Other Woman | Sandman Imagine

Summary: Morpheus has an affair while still being married to Calliope

Pairing: Morpheus x Human! Reader

Part II

You didn’t plan on falling in love, you had never liked the idea of love honestly, too scared to trust, to have feelings for someone and still getting heartbroken.

When Morpheus’ came into your life, it had started as something innocent, a friendship even, but soon romance seemed to sneak upon your interactions, with glances, touches, comments.

It felt natural, it was the first time where you just got carried away, let things happen.

There was a kiss, then there were more, there were romantic details, a rose, a dinner, a letter.

As you reached the bedroom, everything happened at full speed almost as if from that point forward there was no return.

Morpheus’ was an attentive lover, from the first time you two crossed the physical line it was as if he had gone under a spell.

Unable to get his hands off you, thinking of you every second.

Thinking back on it, you just couldn’t understand, there truly were no signs of Morpheus’ living another life, with all your heart you believed this man was only devoted to you.

But as you stood in the pouring rain, in front of this house, seeing the image of a woman and Morpheus’ talking softly, as she had a gorgeous ring in her hand, you realized, just how foolish you had been, the married couple shared a short kiss, but to you it felt like forever as your heart shattered into a million pieces.

Then, Morpheus noticed your presence from the window, by the look on your face it wasn’t hard to tell you had seen it all.

Seeing him get out of the house to chase after you made you angry and sad, you started running wanting to escape this, the reality of the situation hitting you like a ton of bricks. Suddenly there was no more air in your lungs, your limbs felt tense and heavy.

“Y/N!” Morpheus’ exclaimed as he caught up with you, yanking your arm to finally face him, you screamed trying to squirm away from his touch.

The same touch you longed for, the touch that had once brought you comfort and safety now felt poisonous under your skin.

“You’re a liar! Don’t fucking touch me!” You urged as you cried, Morpheus felt the knot on his throat, the tears started forming in his eyes.

“Sweetness, please” he begged you, not really knowing what he was supposed to beg you for, for you to let him explain? To forgive him? To not hate his guts?

Maybe all of the above.

“You fucking piece of shit you enamored me and for what, huh? ‘Cause you needed an escape or was it just because you could?!” You interrogated him feeling your insides bubble with anger, the thunders rumpled in the midnight sky, almost in sync with your emotions.

“None of that. It was never my intend to fall in love with you” he try to defend himself while knowing in his heart his actions had no valid reason, there wasn’t a justification to the pain he caused.

“Never your- WHY DIDN’T YOU STOP? YOU HAD EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO TELL ME AND YET YOU CHOSE TO DRAG ME TO WHATEVER THE FUCK WAS WHAT YOU WANTED!” You were screaming so loud you were hurting your vocal chords but there was no pain that could compare to this moment.

“You came at a… complicated time in my life, but everything that we shared was true”

“Complicated? You call a wife… complicated?” You huffed, your tears had mixed with the rain, you could not believe what you were hearing, it seemed to just get worse and worse.

“Y/N you, us… was never only a quest for pleasure, I am bound to a crumbling marriage. You are the one I desire, the one I love” Morpheus’ said, now holding your hands in his, looking at you directly, thinking his words would soften you.

You let go of his hands after he was done talking an slapped him across the face with all your strength, with all your rage that couldn’t be explained with words.

“You’re out of your fucking mind if you think I desire you” you spat in his face, breaking his heart, but you couldn’t hurt him more than he already had done with you.

“I do not wish to lose you” he whispered making you scoff.

“Thing is that you already have. Even if I wanted to believe you, how could I trust a single word that comes from your mouth?” Morpheus’ stayed awfully silent, he looked at you with deep regret, knowing he didn’t have the answers you seek.

You sighed, knowing this was the end. You reached from behind your neck and unclipped the necklace Morpheus’ had given you months ago, ever since he put it on you, you hadn’t taken it off.

Until now.

Your lover looked at you wide eyed, knowing what the gesture meant as you placed the necklace in his palm.

As you looked at him and his saddened expression you wished to say something, but no words came out and honestly at this point, you had said more than enough.

So, you turned on your heels and left, your steps echoed with the pouring rain. Morpheus’ wished to stop you, he truly did. But in the end, he knew you would just be fooling yourselves, he loved you immensely, more than he loved his wife Calliope, or at least how he used to love her once.

Yet, he knew this was a point of no return, you wouldn’t change your mind and not even with all his power would he be able to erase your memories or revert things as how they once were.

So, he simply stood there, watching you fade away and become just another shadow in the darkness.

Still, Dream knew that if he was given the choice, he would do it all over again, in the blink of an eye.

Tag list:

@emiemiemiii @ladyfairenvale @hungrhay @aurorarevenclaw1927 @adishax @meganmayhem89 @mrs-captainsteverogers @hb8301 @sarahbullet235 @bambooing-shenanigans @queenshelby @characterxreaderimagine @emarich7 @carolcrysis @sister-of-stars @coolsnowker @sandman-33 @jesllianaquilesrolon @supermegapauselouca

[soracities]

hi mim! i hope you're keeping well :) i wonder if you have any experience or thoughts on something, as a fellow late twenties-er:

how do you deal with unaccountable/unjustified cruelty towards you? like most people, i've lived through some bad times and have had pleeeeenty of people be mean to me, but generally as an adult, especially in the last few years, i do all right managing social situations & protecting myself, so i can safely disengage or accept the shitty stuff until the feelings dissipate. also, i try really, really hard to be genuine and kind to everyone, no matter what, and am relatively naive, so that helps limit bad interactions to some extent.

but earlier this year, i was trapped in a situation with a boss (they had power over me, so i couldn't leave) and was stuck listening to them hammer at me relentlessly with cruel, personal insults. (my union wasn't willing to do anything because of work politics.) my boss had teased out some misunderstandings and built them up in their head and let them fester until they felt the need to pull me into their office and scream really horrible things at me. they refused to let me defend myself and called me a liar every time i tried - basically begged - to explain where the misunderstandings must have come from, laughed at me when i asked them to stop yelling, threatened me over and over...i was full-bodied sobbing in front of them because i couldn't understand how this could have happened, how someone i knew and trusted (at work! not a shitty family member or abusive partner!) could snap and lose control like that at me. it was so so awful.

an older friend, who is much more cynical than i am, pointed out afterwards that this is par for the course when you're trying to be a nice and honest person; he tried to impress upon me the idea that if you are kind and passionate, you will inevitably & repeatedly encounter people who will harm you because they can do so without consequences. because if you care about being kind, they know you won't fight back. because if you care about your work, you'll do anything to keep doing it.

i have a really hard time with this perspective. again, i've lived through plenty of horrible things, no small number being directly related to injustice and prejudice, and i firmly believe that you don't get the chance to opt out of suffering in life. i know that there are worse things that happen on vastly different scales. i also know vocational awe and abuse is a real issue in the arts and in helping professions - i made it my life's work to help people who've suffered childhood trauma, as did my coworkers, but unfortunately the kind of people who run not-for-profits are rarely (if ever?) cool, decent people.

so i can't stop thinking about this day - i quit my job, even though i was eventually able to calm my boss down, because i have boundaries when it comes to yelling at work, but the excessive degree of cruelty sticks in my mind. i can't wrap my head around it because her behaviour feels so antithetical to anything i could ever even imagine doing to another person, especially in a workplace. i'm not obsessing over it, but this degree of meanness really sticks, you know? as we get older and encounter more people like this, how do we keep our hearts open? how do we make sense of cruelty when we have no way of fighting it or reasoning with it? as we get older and get a better sense of how limited our power is in the world, how do we let go and move on without losing hope?

I think we are able to let go and move on without losing hope because "letting go" is not surrendering our own capacity for action--it's surrendering the belief that we should be able to (if we are truly "good and virtuous" enough as people) control the responses and decisions of other people.

I think it's very easy to conflate the two: that letting go is the same as not caring, but they aren't mutually inclusive things in the least. And I think this idea maybe comes from the same perspective you described your older friend as having (and I am with you in this, because I do not abide by that belief either)--that if you are kind and passionate, you will inevitably & repeatedly encounter people who will harm you because they can do so without consequences. I think the biggest issue I have with this (and I have many) is that it assumes a responsibility for others' actions that you are not obliged to have. And in doing so it actually erases the notion of accountability (which we do have) by putting the brunt of it on a single party, effectively absolving the other (the person who acted cruelly and caused you harm in the first place) of any responsibility they themselves have. It's a perspective I don't like because it negates itself without realising, or acknowledging, that it does so but still posits its view as an undeniable truth about the world: by its own logic people have enough agency to act in cruel ways because they know they can get away with it (which implies a conscious, measured, analytic decision), but somehow not enough agency to be held responsible for that decision in the first place.

It's not an objective statement, but a self-fulfilling prophecy: if you are going to be responsible for other people's unwarranted mistreatment of you, then, yes, caring and sincerity aren't worthy endeavours--but only because you have actively created, and justified, a world in which your right to behave callously takes precedence and is, therefore (whether this is conscious or not, admitted or not), valued. And at its heart, I sometimes think that is what statements like this are about: they're an indicator of what we value in this world, even if we don't realise it, or would be horrified to realise it

I think that because this idea is so prevalent and exists in so many different variations--the idea that you have to guard yourself against others because people will "always" take advantage of you otherwise--it trickles down even to those of us who don't believe it; you convince yourself that any mistreatment has to be a failing on your part: your kindness wasn't good enough, your attempts at understanding weren't empathetic enough--in short: you made a bad investment and therefore you were not good enough. And when we fall into this trap, the same thing happens to us as happens to the person who harmed you: you lose sight of your own agency and your own capacity for decision-making, and the role these occupy in every interaction, for every person.

Being kind, open, and sincere, to me, are things that have very little, if anything, to do with other people--they are decisions that I have made regarding my conduct, my beliefs, and my hopes for the kind of world that I want to live in, and the world I want to build with each interaction I have with someone else. They are not a means of measuring my own worth in the eyes of others, or proving myself to people to show that I am good enough, I can be good enough, that if you let me show you who I am, what I am, how I am then surely this can overcome anything (because I am giving everything I have) and you can accept me and therefore I can accept myself--because the fallout of that is, like I said, that if someone rejects it and decides instead to offer cruelty, the edifice of my entire being falls apart: why? because I have hitched it all on someone else's decision. The decision that I made, the decision that I came to as a result of all my experiences, all my hurts and beliefs, all that I have learnt and unlearnt in order to get to a place where I can exist in the world in a way that gives me fulfillment (in essence: the sum of my entire life)--all of that suddenly doesn't matter anymore, and why? Because someone else decided to be shitty?

This is what I mean about agency, and about our own capacity for action. Someone else's choice doesn't have to be mine. But it is their choice. And if you offer kindness and are met with callousness, that is a choice on their part, not yours. Letting go of others' cruelty towards you, and cruelty in the world at large, is not letting go of your own beliefs or changing who you are and how you approach or live in the world. It's simply saying: this is me, and that is you--otherwise it'd be like deciding that you no longer like oranges because some random person thinks clementines are gross.

I don't necessarily believe that all acts of cruelty are beyond understanding, but I also don't believe that understanding is going to come as some kind of revelatory moment that will make it all make sense. But what I do believe is that, sometimes, especially when it comes to people treating us as horrifically as your boss treated you (and I really am so sorry that you were forced to endure something so awful for that long), when we look for understanding, what we're looking for is a justification: that there has to be a why to explain it all and tidy these painful interactions up like a neat and indisputable equation. But I don't believe that they are always the same thing. If I were to take any of the hateful rhetoric I see around me--sexism, racism, homophobia etc--and try to understand it I know I won't and never could, and I'm thankful for that: because, for me, the very moment it begins to make sense to me is the moment I have seen something in it that can be justified and that will never ever be the case. But what I can understand is how we have a world in which these exist--I can see and recognize all the various points of power and domination that require a constant renewal and generation of such intense violence and hate in order to maintain a status quo whose sole priority is its own preservation, at the brutal cost of anyone and everything else. That, in situations like these, is what understanding is to me: it isn't acceptance or justification but knowing how certain aspects of this world work so that I can make the decision to refuse them.

The key thing, I think, in trying to understand why people treat us unkindly, is knowing that we can refuse it, not by negating it as a reality (this is naivety and can, sometimes, be just as insular as blind cynicism) but recognising that sometimes people respond in ways that are the result of factors that have nothing to do with us personally--they could be the result of traumas, immaturity, selfishness, bad behavioural feedback loops or simply plain pettiness--but it isn't our job to somehow fix that for them.

When it comes down to it, at the heart of most pessimism (and some cruelty) is a reservoir of fear or pain, or some concoction of the two. Our world is a profoundly fucked up place, in many regards, and all of us accumulate a host of hurts and traumas as a result of that: you cannot always control the things that happen to you but you can control the decisions you make about your life and the actions you choose to follow as a result. Your boss made a calculated, deliberate decision to berate you in the most painful and humiliating way possible--this had nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her. People who decide, consistently, to act cruelly will do so regardless of who is on the receiving end: it isn't about the person they target, but about whatever this cruelty and targetting validates for them and that is a choice. You cannot understand why she would do this to you because you know there is no justification for it. And that is something to hold on to because already it shows you that you are absolutely not like her. And that is where your agency and your ability to not lose hope lies.

I think the only way, sometimes, that I have managed to deal with this (and despair in general at the things that happen in this world sometimes) is to recognise what I can control and what I can't. It doesn't make things less painful, but it does make them less crippling. Whatever has happened in people's lives, the views they take as a result and the decisions that they then make--that isn't something I can change. All I can account for is how I respond, learn and grow from my own experiences. Other people can have their truths about the world, but I also have mine: and I assert it over and over again through the people I surround myself with, through the little actions I take to try and make it all as bearable as I can for myself and others, where I'm able to. I think, for me, recognizing the world's duality is part of that: knowing that cruelty exists, that pain exists, that senseless violence exists and knowing, too, that beauty exists, that graciousness, and openness, and kindness exist--and that I can resolve to bring more of those into the world and less of the others, even if it's only in my tiny corner of it. It may be small, but it exists. And if my life is a testament to nothing else but that, then I know I'll have spent it sincerely, regardless of what others choose to do with theirs. I really hope this helps you somewhat, anon 💕

[phantomoftheorpheum]

hi!! 😊 i liked that christian was a major red herring. it was nice to be validated even though i was expecting it. i like christian but i think he is a little too similar to tabby to be interesting as a love interest. they are the male and female versions of each other 🤣

johnny deserved better. although i think he was a little too understanding with imogen at times, he knew she was going through it and i respect him for that. the way she demanded to see his texts and look at his search history was such a red flag. of course i get it in this context but irl that would not be okay. maybe imogen need to be single for a while.

i don’t like jen. i will never like jen. she’s manipulative and a liar. i will never excuse how she deflected and made noa the bad guy in the conversation where noa attempted to confront her about robbing shawn’s house. how their shippers ignore that problematic behavior is beyond me. i’m sad that she will be in season 3. at least i’m not alone in this as i’ve seen a lot of people complaining about this ship in the pll original sin instagram comments. i hope the writers hear our complaints. it has made noa my least favorite liar when i used to love her.

Hi! I agree!

You are so right about Christian! I should have trusted my 2x01/2x02 gut that he was a red herring, but then I got so suspicious of the fact that no one was suspicious of him when they obviously should be. jksdhfksdf. I'm still baffled by how Tabby didn't think to put either Wes or Christian on their original suspect list, considering their love of horror and the masks stuff, but I'm just gonna have to learn to accept that. I'm glad Christian was good too, though. I never wanted him to be bad, just was very suspicious he might be. They definitely gave him some dialogue that pointed his way. But he was a good red herring! He worked until the finale when they started getting suspicious and then I knew it wasn't him.

I have said it once and I will say it again, Johnny is quite literally the chillest dude on the planet (😂 this will never stop being funny to me, I am sorry). I'm also glad that he's not bad because I think he's an enjoyable addition to the cast and I hope he is in next season (again, assuming they get a next season) because we still know almost nothing about him, so they could do a lot of fun things with his character. But I do think Imogen needs to take some time, regardless of the Johnny stuff (I mean, he really should NOT want to date her ever again because she nearly killed him??) because this was a mess. I also think all the girls (but particularly Imogen and Tabby) do still need mental healthcare, but obviously not with Dr. Sullivan.

Aaaaahhh, the Jen stuff. I just kept thinking there was going to be some sort of reveal/resolution that made the Jen stuff feel like it worked in the season and had a reason to be there. I had so many possible scenarios I was willing to accept. and yet, they managed to find one which was none of them??? I can't believe I sat through so much love triangle crap for literally no payout. I hate love triangles and the only redeeming quality is that they usually have a big blowout scene when it all comes out, but they didn't even give us that???? It will be interesting (assuming they get a season 3) to see if they respond to the criticism like they did with the Ezra thing, because a lot of people feel Noa's carelessness about the situation (and she was super, super manipulative towards Shawn throughout this, as well) ruined her character for them. Now, I think it's fine to tear a character down and need to build them back up, and I think it's good to see the Liars engage in flawed behavior, the problem I have here is... they (the show) have given no indication that they think they actually DID tear Noa's character down? Like, I am sorry, but her behavior was flat out cruel and she felt a tiny bit bad about it for like 2 seconds and faced absolutely 0 consequences, and that, not that she made some terrible decisions, is the real problem here. It's not "tearing a character down to build them back up" or even "giving a character flaws" if those things are never acknowledged as flaws and terrible behavior in the first place? Ugh. There was just so much potential with this storyline (literally so much!) and they just threw it all straight in the trash.

[peachjagiya]

https://www.tumblr.com/peachjagiya/747891487375753216/im-not-a-shipper-and-definitely-in-no-way-a-jkkr

I hope you don’t see this as me being combative. I am honestly just trying to understand something.

I am aware that not everything the members tell fans is the truth and i certainly know that sometimes they will flat out lie or tell half truths to protect their privacy and themselves and I 100% get that. What i don’t get though is why they would lie about not seeing each other? Also, why do you get to pick and choose what you think is a lie and what you think is the truth? Isn’t it possible that they could also lie about things that reinforce your belief? I would not expect them to admit to things that could clearly out them as a couple but there are just certain instances where there is no point in lying. For example, on Jk’s birthday in 2022, Jin went over to his place and started naming all members and asking if they had come to greet Jk and Jk said Hobi and Jimin came over and when Jin asked about Tae, Jk said he didn’t come. In this case why would Jk lie? He could just group tae in with the rest who came and that wouldn’t be weird or suspicious would it?

The example you gave about Jk and sex don’t really fall in line with what i am saying. Jk never said he has never dated did he? He didn’t even say he isn’t dating, he said he doesn’t have a girlfriend but not having a girlfriend at that particular point in time doesn’t mean he never had one. He knew the implications of saying he knows everthing he has to know yet he still made it clear that at the moment, he didn’t need a girlfriend and just wanted to concentrate on work.

You don’t have any concrete proof that your ship is real, all you have are moments and the things they say. If you begin to doubt everything they say unless it is something that reinforces your belief then don’t you think that is a problem? You cannot decide that they lied just because they said something you didn’t want to hear. Besides why would Tae be able to openly tell everyone Jk sings a song for him yet he can’t admit that he saw Jk on his birthday? Or why would Jk be able to tell everyone that Tae heard his song first yet he lies about knowing where Tae is? You see how you pick and choose? If you really believe that they lie about simple things like this to protect themselves or not out themselves then why would Tae post a facetime pic of himself and jk both shirtless knowing that a huge part of this fandom ships them? I don’t think it makes sense.

Not combative at all. It's fair points.

I mean... Maybe Tae just didn't see him on his birthday. And maybe that's not a problem? Maybe Tae had other plans for celebrating with JK? Like we don't know but I know a ton of people who simply don't value their birthday. I've not seen my wife on her birthday every single year.

I don't always take it as face value if it benefits Taekook either to be honest. In the more personal lives, yes for sure.

But if it's true that we're not supposed to think of them as even close, and there's evidence to suggest that's how it's been presented, if they're saying they are close, I do pay attention to that. Because it's not the company line and there's no benefit to lying.

2018, JK has a mental health situation.

2018, Tae has a mental health situation.

Jin, I cannot remember when but it doesn't matter: "Jungkook wasn't talking to any members"

2018 Festa: "I received the text" "the other text was to me"

2023 Suchwita: "Me and Jungkook were reading those texts together."

Conclusion: JK was talking to one of the members. But Jin couldn't say "he wasn't talking to anyone except Taehyung."

Jin isn't a liar. Jin is either unaware or leaving that detail out. Either way...? There's Taekook stuff they're either unaware of or aware of but omitting.

Slowly the bigger picture is revealed. All Tae does is expand upon what we already knew and fill in what was left out. So I do tend to listen more to those extra details, yeah.

As for why they'd ever say anything about their relationship... I think they've been braver with the freedom of hiatus and I also don't expect them to be able to hide it without going slightly insane.

[autiboards]

lies and truth .

thinking about something from when I was a kid . might be just me or might be autism or everyone . I don't know . but until I was 13 or 14 , I didn't realise conversations were supposed to be about real things . I thought that conversation meant talking and reacting , so would tell whatever stories would get best reaction . I thought any conversation that was not ' pull to side , we need to talk ' was story time , didn't matter if real or fake . took until years later to find out that people thought I was saying things that actually happened .

I was called a liar about a lot of things , even things that were true , and I didn't understand why . might have been a theory of mind thing , maybe I thought people could tell when I was making stories up or telling the truth . anyway , because of this nobody believed me when I said anything , and was stuck in lots of bad situations for long time because if I tried to say anything it was dismissed .

now, I understand why it is important to know something is pretend . I don't even see the point in lying . it is never my first thought , I am bad at making up lies that are believe able quickly . but I do like to tell stories , and I can make those up . I have just learned how to make sure people know it isn't real . but I still think of myself as liar , especially when I was a kid . I think I need to keep remembering that I have a communication disability , and that I didn't know things like that back then , so I didn't know I was lying , so I am not a liar . I made mistakes in conversation often . and people assumed I knew rules I didn't , so they told me I was doing it on purpose .

[chaifootsteps]

Hey Chai, I know the Hazbin leaks are the main talk right now and I'm sorry to bring it up again but I am so conflicted about Jane's document you mentioned a bit ago.

I read it all, and at first I was believing every word, felt so bad for Jane, all these horrible endless turmoils that happened to her. Then when I went back through and started reading the screenshots I started seeing contradictions. They'd be like:

Jane is just saying the claim to someone else on Discord (which provides a likely timestamp but not necessarily definitive proof)

There's not much present that actually backs up Jane's claim

Context appears to be missing

The proof occasionally contradicts itself

Jane says one thing in one screenshot while saying something different in another. (One Example: In one she lies/downplays what she told people about Avery and tells Karli she just "saw him giving people massages" and "never said he got me drunk .. only that I wondered if he wanted to try to" then in her conversation with Avery's ex she literally tells her "he was awfully touchy with women at the party" and "he tried to get me drunk.")

(Another example was she claimed Steven was abusive, but you read all the screenshots she provided and it's just her talking at Steven and occasionally trauma-dumping, with him responding in either supportive or neutral/blunt ways or requesting reasonable boundaries considering that she's living there rent-free and with free groceries. She titles a few screenshots "Steven being weird about my d*ck" then the screenshots just show HER bringing up her d*ck and him asking Jane to avoid making a mess when she pees and offers she could try sitting down because he does that to avoid making a mess too.)

I'm not trying to defend Ang, or anyone else in the doc, and I'm not trying to say Jane's a liar that shouldn't be trusted, but maybe to caution people to go back and re-read it with ALL the screenshots and make more careful judgement when not just Jane but anyone comes out with a long list of extreme claims.

I also think Jane might've misread some situations considering how young she was at the time + her trauma + C-PTSD + her DID. That is not me trying to say she didn't suffer, or that some of her claims aren't true, or that some people mentioned in the doc didn't make poor decisions, and it's possible for some of them Jane just made poor choices in the screenshots she included or something.

( And outside of the doc Jane recently claimed on Twitter that Ang faked their su*c*de and went on about how that affected her but... we all know Ang was publicly open about their declining health and that they were ready to leave socials to succumb to it because they had no medical care and no money to get it and were getting worse. And then people assumed that meant A. Instant Su*c*de, B. Ang is now dead, and spread that around like wildfire until people involved had to be like "Ang isn't fucking dead they're approaching EOL what are y'all talking about." Idk if Jane misunderstood that, or if Ang truly did additionally fake their suicide behind closed doors, I find the latter less likely, but food for thought I guess. )

If you're open to it I can send you a few more main points in the screenshots that felt contradictory to me, if not I'll just leave this ask as it is, and thanks for reading it, it's okay if you don't post it.

It's...a tangle, for sure. I honestly don't know what to make of it myself.

I will say that if Ang isn't dead or dying I would like more solid proof of that, because when I talked to them years ago, they were in frighteningly poor health. Their spinal fluid was leaking to the point where they could taste it in their mouth, and when people had said they'd died, I wasn't surprised. Not even the slightest bit.

[himemiya-kun]

Secret Swan (Chapter 5)

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Chapter 5: The Truest Self

Summer

Characters:

• Tori Himemiya

• Tsukasa Suou

• Eichi Tenshouin

Tori: (I got help from Producer without asking for help… At this rate, I’ll never be able to find a way to improve...)

I remember during the filming of “Fist of the Shangri-la Idol”, Eichi-sama seemed to use special methods to stimulate our acting skills.

If only I could think of a method like Eichi-sama… but that's Eichi-sama.

Sigh…

Ah!? Ow, ow, ow… Who is it! Is it hard to see where you’re going?!

Tsukasa: Oh, you were the one who bumped into me while walking without looking, didn’t you, Tori-kun? So why is the villain filing a complaint first?

Tori: Ugh, it’s Tsukasa…

I really don't want to talk to you right now, so you should leave quickly. This is the secretary you're talking to. Now leave me alone.

Tsukasa: Oh? You’re usually so arrogant, but now you’re willing to lose without a fight in an argument with me?

I’m really curious to know what made you look so troubled, maybe you were preached by Fushimi-senpai again?

Tori: What do you mean ‘again’! Yuzuru praises me more often than scolds me recently, you are the one who is often lectured by Sena-senpai, right?

Hmph, next time when Sena-senpai comes, I will tell him that you secretly eat snacks every day after class!

Tsukasa: Hold on…! Did I start spreading rumours if I couldn’t say it, you liar! I’m just curious about what kind of trouble people like you have, but it seems that I shouldn’t have given you any extra care in the first place!

Tori: Huh~? An idiot full of evil thoughts like Tsukasa will not understand the troubles of a cute and simple person like me.

Tsukasa: You are Tori who obviously doesn’t know what respect is?! I don’t want to have the same knowledge as an insolent boy like you!

Tori: I'm too lazy to talk nonsense with an uneducated guy like Tsukasa!

Tsukasa: Ahhh…! For a person like Tori, there are so many fans who believe that you are really a pure angel, they praise you for being cute, I really want them to see you like this!

Tori: Hmm? What are you talking about, am I not cute now?

Ah…!

(The plot of the short film roughly expresses that even if the world doesn’t understand you, you must dare to show your true self, show the side you want people to see, and pursue what you want…)

(In the eyes of Yuuki-senpai and the others last year, as well as in the eyes of Tsukasa, even I have been the villain quite a few times.)

Tsukasa: Cute? You are the embodiment of evil sometimes! A demon!

Tori: Heh heh heh, so what if I’m the incarnation of evil? The original me is the cutest me ♪

That's great, it's another step ahead of you. It won’t be long before I can leave you far behind. When the time comes, you will kneel down and cry and beg me to forgive you. Maybe I will agree ♪

Tsukasa: What the… What’s the matter? Why do you suddenly look completely different from just now? You also said a lot of inexplicable things, which is really unpleasant!

Tori: Alas, you won't understand even if I explain it to you, idiot.

Tori: …Still, I want to thank you.

Tsukasa: You, what are you saying? Thank you? Are you saying thank you to me? Did I hear you right?

Tori: That's right ♪ Although I’m just a mere secretary, you made Tori-sama feel super excited~ Well, of course the cutest Tori-sama in the world will choose to forgive you for the time being ♪

Tori: Producer~ Here I come ♪

Eichi: Haha, we have been waiting for you for quite some time.

Tori: Eh, Eichi-sama is here too?!

Eichi: Producer told me before that she was a little worried about your situation, but judging by your appearance today, she was worrying a bit too much.

Tori: Producer is always worrying~ but this time, I really want to thank her ♪

Eichi: Mm. Producer really did a lot for us. There's one more thing she hasn't had time to finish, and while I'm waiting for her to complete it, let me tell you something first.

I feel that, now, there should be no bad influence for you.

In fact, I got news from Yuuki earlier. I don’t know why, but people from COS PRO are more inclined to participate in the audition of the “W series”.

So the “B series” has basically already been negotiated with our STAR PRO.

Tori: Eh, in other words, the audition pressure will be very light, is it just a formality?

Eichi: That’s right. In the end, even if you still can't solve the difficulties you encounter, I will ask Yuzuru and Tsumugi to help you, so that you can play this role perfectly.

But we have all seen Tori working hard. If I told you this in advance, it might make you feel that we didn't expect you from the beginning.

Because you said that you don't want me to treat you as a child again, and this time, after all, it is a job commission you personally received, I want to give you as much respect as possible.

So, in the end, you made a really amazing result that exceeded our expectations, Tori.

Tori: Hehe, I feel like I've been praised so many times by Eichi-sama recently that it feels like a dream.

Eichi: Oh, it seems that the work on Producer’s side has been completed, so go over there and have a look.

Tori: Huh? The outfit Producer handed me looks very similar to the upcoming B-Series...

Hey, this is specially tailored by Producer for me?! Because you think that if I really wear this suit, maybe I can break through the original...

Woohoo~ How can you treat me so well! Although you always avoid close physical contact with us after arriving in ES, can you let me hug you now?

No, I'll hug you even if you don't agree! Thank you, Producer ♪

Yesterday, I finally found some understanding of this role, and just now, after seeing this costume, I immediately imagined what it would look like to wear it... It proved that my idea wasn’t wrong!

I have always acted as cute as an angel in front of my fans, but in the eyes of different people, I still have some bad intentions and self-willingness, right?

So I thought, I’ll show my truest and most natural self, and show my lovely self to the fans!

This costume needs not only my cuteness, but also my confidence—

When I wear it, I'll tell the world how awesome this costume is!

And I, Himemiya Tori——is the perfect spokesperson for it.

« Chapter 4 • End

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[elvesandlanterns]

Ghost Helpline part 9

Konstelacio walked to the Egyptian palace. Much like how Johnnys bike rode on nonexistent roads Konstelacio walked on invisible ground, she believed the Zone would not let her fall and so it didn’t.

—- —- —-

Tim drove past his old home what use to be Drake Manor. He somehow doubted his family had noticed he sold it. He doubted they had noticed the moving trucks and contractors. He told himself it would be because they were busy. It felt like a hallow excuse.

Once Bruce figured it out he would want answers. Tim had them planned, Masters dubious escapades in criminal activity had been on the decline. As well as Masters sudden disappearance a few years ago, required their attention just in case.

Inwardly Tim had had a single conversation with the man, spotted a gaggle of teens who looked happy and sold it to the man on the spot.

When Tim thought over the conversation later, he would call the emotion that came over him jealousy and decide to ignore it.

—- —- —-

“Your highness, it appears Princess Violet will be sealing an audience.”

“Send her in immediately! “ Tucker shouted excitingly, Violet was such a sweet girl, he adored her visits. She usual came with the pretense of picking up her more technically inclined brother but Chad wasn’t here as of late. Which only meant one of three things.

She was coming here to hide.

She was coming in for a check up. (Doubtful.)

Or she was coming here to ask for help.

“Prepare some light snacks, our comfiest seat and coloring pages.” Tucker hoped she was okay, he would never admit it but if he didn’t know any better he would have assumed Violet was Danny’s clone too. In personality at least. Where Dani had gotten Danny’s loud passion, Violet had gotten Danny’s self loathing. Where Dani had his fearless determination Violet had his self sacrificing down to an alarming degree. Dani had her fathers laugh, Violet had his best friends fear of abandonment.

Yeah, Tucker would never admit it but Danny and his ex-arch enemies kid had a lot in common. He sighed oh well. It was fine, if anything it made him and Sam love her all the more. Their niece, their little constellation.

—- —- —-

Billy breathed a sigh of relief. It was good to be back home.

“Captain Marvel, Dr Fate we need to talk. We have a situation.”

Billy sighed he thought to soon.

Zeus: lolz!

Hercules: L L L

Mercury: Run fuck this noise

Billy shushed them, he just wanted to go home. The faster they got threw this the better.

Batman explained.

Solomon: He’s on to us! Kill him!!!

Billy: No we are not killing Batman

Atlas: he’s a threat to our your family Billy, I hate to agree with the old man

Solomon: Hey!

Atlas: but perhaps it’s time to move on

“Captain Marvel are you paying attention. This is serious.”

“Of course of course. But uh what exactly do you want me to do here?”

“I need information.”

“I don’t -“

“Marvel you are a terrible liar, also.” The man dressed as bat shrugged in the direction of superman. Right Superman, a living lie detector.

Billy: well fuck

Mercury: RUN

Solomon: oh is that it? Well then Billy just don’t ‘lie’

Billy could hear the smirk in man’s voice. Well two could play at this game. But first to get Dr.Fate off the field.

“I’m leaving.”

Well never mind then Fate was doing it for him.

Maybe he isn’t so bad after all.

“Dr Fate we need-“

“All is as it should be. Before I am a leaguer I am a Lord of Order. You would all do better to not interfere with which you do not understand.”

Yeah you tell them!

“Especially not with those as vile as demons.”

Billy took it back the bastard could suffer.

In that moment Fate left and two pairs of eyes landed on Billy himself. Goddamn it.

“So … what exactly do you want to know. I’ll do my best but I make no promises to answer everything.”

“THATS -“

“That is enough boys.” Wonder Woman walked in, “We are her to ask for help not interrogate our fellow leaguers. Now then Batman what evidence do you have to think both the girl and Captain Marvel know one another in the first place.”

“ Coordinates“

“What?”

“Coordinates from the demons location line up with the new coordinates you’ve sporadically been taking for the past year or so.”

“Batman that hardly proves-“

“Yes I know her.” Billy wasn’t getting around this, and maybe he could use it to paint Konstelacio in a better light. After all they had to understand, they were his heroes they had to understand that his sister wouldn’t hurt them. Not unless provoked.

—- —- —-

Clark could see Bruce sag in relief, the quest for answers over. But Clark didn’t think it be that easy, Captain Marvel may be immature but his loyalty was relentless. Something in the way he held himself could only leave Clark to believe that Konstelacio had earned that loyalty. Clark looked at Bruce again and sighed instead of voicing his opinion after all it’s not as if he was the detective, no he was just a journalist. Clark eye rolled internally.

“How?”

“She is… my sister in arms.”

Both him and Diana froze.

// … even by demon standards I assume you’re rather young …..//

Clarks hands clenched and unclenched, “What?” He must have heard wrong? Right, right even demons must care about their young.

“She is my sister in arms. She is a good person.”

“A good person, she’s a demon.”

Captain glowered actually glowered at Batman, Clark thought as he twitched to put himself between the two.

“And so is Superman and he’s an alien, so so what? Or is it different because he happens to look like you?”

[garycxjk]

Second chances

Let's get this out of the way. Throughout this post, I will not name one certain individual, not because she has done anything wrong, but to make ego searching this post a lot harder for her. This also means that this post will not be easily found. The thing is, I don't really even need to mention her to make a point, as her situation isn't a big part of it, it only serves as the backdrop. So I will neither name her previous life nor her current.

Second, I'm not gonna shit on Nijisanji EN. Too many have already done that before, and it's getting a bit tiring. Plus, again, it doesn't serve the point I am trying to make, however, it does serve as a backdrop.

So, basically, to keep it short, recently a certain person had been terminated in a pretty fricken dumb way which I'm not going to get into, which involves them self-exposing their own incompetence. This termination also came after the person who was terminated made two attempts on her own life, fortunately she's still with us.

But that's not the point of this story. Recently, three of the talents have released a not really smart video, basically digging themselves deeper into a hole, if I may so personally, those being Elira Pendora, Vox Akuma and Ike Eveland. Now there are theories going around, but let's keep it as a fact, they were used as spokespeople, either against their will or otherwise, we don't know. We'll get back to the three.

Now, out of all of this mess, one thing was clear. Zaion LanZa, also known in her current life as Sayu Syncronisity, was right. After her termination a month after debuting at Nijisanji as Zaion, she was terminated, and she wrote a scathing expose about how her experience at Nijisanji was, and spoilers, it wasn't great, and later, it turned out a lot of it lined up with what the most recent terminated member experienced.

The thing is, at the time, she was mostly ignored. Not by everybody, but by too many, in my opinion, mainly because she was only there for a month. I know, I was there when it all happened. People either ignored her, or just said that she was salty or straight up called her a liar. Her reputation as Sayu therefore tanked, and it was only after a week after the most recent termination that people slowly began believing her completely.

The thing is, her reputation only improved almost a year after it happened, and from what I understand, her offenses weren't even that severe. People called it mistakes, yes, but not bad enough to warrant a termination. But okay, maybe Nijisanji didn't think she fit into the Nijisanji ecosphere, so she was let go. I'm not going to go into how she got terminated, that's a whole different can of worms, all I'm going to say is, she got terminated, and her reputation didn't exactly recover.

But, and excuse me for repeating the same phrase but, here's the thing. After almost a year, people should have forgiven her. She had already apologized, I'm not sure if she's done it multiple times, but she did at least once. She had admitted she made mistakes.

I'm a firm believer of second chances, everybody deserves one. Now, I do have to say, people don't deserve second chances from everyone, depending on how bad the offense was, but, look. If we can forgive James Gunn for his tweets he made when he was dumb and stupid, we should be able to forgive Sayu for the dumb shit she said, right?

It's as if people don't actually believe in second chances. Now, I'm gonna be honest, I'm not really willing to give Nux Taku a second chance, not after he did Coco's graduation notice dirty, essentially acting like a rrat. But that's my personal issue, I've been betrayed too many times in my life, taken advantage of too many people that my flight response gets triggered quite easily. Fuck, it's why I stopped associating myself with the Steven Universe fandom, despite me still liking the series. It's not that they're inherently bad or that I think they're bad, it's that they're bad for my mental health, which is why I distance myself from them.

And if you ask me what my opinion is of Charlie (penguinz0) or Asmongold, I don't talk about them at all. They just give me too much of an I-don't-trust-them vibe. Not that they're untrustworthy, but I just don't want to burn my fingers on them.

The thing is, yes, the SA jokes were in bad taste, I agree. However, it just feels like people were looking for an excuse to hate on her. And now that all this shit with Nijisanji EN is going on, she's suddenly being hailed as someone who was right all along. It just doesn't sit well with me.

The thing is, we all want second chances, but we don't all want to give them. I personally believe that everybody deserve second chances. Not just one, but many. People continue to make mistakes in their lives, and yes, if it's better for your own mental health, you can decide not to give that person another chance. Maybe there are some people who just don't deserve second chances because they never take them, they never learn from them. As cynical as I am in life, I still believe people can change, either for the worse or the better.

Which brings us to Elira, Vox and Ike. No matter whether they're guilty of whatever people accuse them of or not, their reputation is toast. In the short term, they won't be able to recover it. However, let's look at another case.

Mikeneko. Amemiya Nazuna. Yes, even Uruha Rushia. Her reputation has sunk to the bottom of the ocean. However, I don't think it'll remain that way. In time, there will be people who will give her a second chance. Remember, it's forgive, not forget. People may forgive her, but they won't forget. Honestly, I've decided to stay away from that drama, as I really do not care about it, but I do believe she can, in time, recover her reputation.

I mean, fuck, if Logan Paul can come back from that Aokigahara controversy, as much as I still think there should have been more repercussions from it, anyone can.

So, as a closing thought. Elira. Vox. Ike. Your reputations are pretty much toast, at least at Nijisanji EN, but possibly also in your PLs as well. However, it's not unsalvageable, it never is. As long as you're willing to change, as long as you're willing to better yourselves, as long as you want all of that, you can come back on top.

Tanking your reputation isn't the end of it all. You'll probably have to start over from scratch, and you'll most likely never going to go back to the reputation you had before. But it's not the end. Just live and learn.

But I do think Nijisanji EN is practically done.

[probablyanalienindisguise]

I see you write things so have you written anything about robots not UK related?

Uhhh not UK related. I mean I've written a few that I never really got the chance to finish? Yeah they're my favorite concept but most of my robot writing has been reserved for homework assignments lmao

I have one here that's unfinished about a ship AI and it's captain's last words? ⬇️

All it took was a stray rock, along with a panic filled fumble to fall. Stupid really, yet he couldn't help the barest of human instinct to the result of an action.

The cord holding him tethered there had snapped.

Perhaps a miscalculation on his own part.

Maybe he should have picked a stronger one to support his weight?

 He would be a liar to believe that though. Space had a certain weightlessness to it. You were left floating adrift with nothing to keep you in place. 

The tension of him pulling back had broke the already weakened cord, and it was too late for him to realize before getting the chance to grab back onto something solid. 

Maybe if he was quick enough he wouldn't have ended up in this situation; human error was hard to leave behind on Earth though.

The beeping on his wrist gave way to his next and most obvious problems with a blaring red sign, it counted down from its start. 

- 4:00 

- 3:59 

4 hours meant nothing besides the delay of the inevitable.

He sighed before opening up another menu besides the horrid countdown. 

- Transmission Delivered

- Transmission Accepted

He almost cried then at how the acceptance was almost inhumanely immediate. 

"ASU?" 

"Yes Captain?" 

"I messed up.. and I don't think this one is fixable bud."

"I am aware Captain. Your cord came back half unattached. You are.. drifting."

 He emptily laughed to himself, before falling silent. Noticing how his companion had drifted off itself with its sentence. 

- 3:56

"Would you like me to make a transmission to base about your predicament?" 

"No no. Not- not yet. Okay?" 

"Understood, Captain." 

"Can you stay on the line with me instead?" 

"Of course." 

He smiled, even if it was somewhat in vain, it helped some hearing his companion would stay with him. 

"Can.. you just talk to me? Like if I was still at base with you?" 

"If you wish me to, Captain." 

"Call me Sam, ASU. You don't have to refer to me as Captain each time." 

He wouldn't have believed it himself if he didn't hear it so clearly audible to his ears.

A laugh? Coming directly from the inner speakers to only slightly mimic the voice of his AI companion. It was merely a soft chuckle but it brought comfort to hear, especially from its unexpectedness.

For the first, and last time. 

- 3:53

"Of course, Captain Sam." 

"I feel like you did that on purpose." 

"Perhaps." 

He laughed himself at that input given.

- 3:50

"ASU?"

"Yes, Sam?"

"Theres no bringing me back on board is there?"

 "Unfortunately, no. Detaching parts of the ship, maybe. As they could be manually driven in theory, but I was designed to not detach any parts of the ship as protocol B. There was no way of calculating the risks as 100% failure that, they too, would not float adrift as well."

Sam hummed to himself at there even being an option such as that one. 

- 3:40

"What will you do when I'm gone?" 

"Sam?" 

"You know it's the truth. Just tell me so I can imagine some kind of future. Even if it isn't my own." 

The silence on the other end of the line was deafening. As if the machine was deciding on its next words carefully.

"I will request deactivation and replacement." 

"What?" 

"I will request dea-"

"-No!- No.. I- I get that. But.. why?" 

"I am not sure how to explain it in simple terms."

"Then give it to me in non-simple terms. Please." 

"I meant I was not sure of the origins of them myself. But, perhaps it is from you? The cause."

"What is from me?"

"It is you." 

"Me?" 

"Yes. In your entirety." 

"What did I do?" 

"You.. made me feel. The feeling of hopelessness specifically. The series of events that followed, from both our past together to the present now." 

".. What about it?" 

"Without you, I somehow find myself devoid of purpose and meaning. I have programs, yes. But it is more of a metaphorical purpose I find myself lacking without you in the picture." 

"I am sorry.. for messing up. I thought you could maybe move on easier, than say another human would." 

"Surely you cannot think yourself as that forgettable?" 

- 3:30

He huffed out another breathy laugh as he looked down at the wrist device holding their call, with acute fondness.

"That's oddly touching and poetic coming from you." 

"Saying that you are the purpose I have found besides my basic protocols?" 

"All of it, really, buddy."

"I am incapable of lying for myself, Sam." 

"I know, I know. But why deactivation?" 

"I.. do not think I will be able to carry out a fake purpose when I am aware of a true one's existence. Deactivation is better than forgetting you to continue working correctly... I do not wish to forget you."

"I'm glad you think I'm worth invading your memory banks." 

"It's not invasion if I enjoy the presence."

"Stay, please though."

"Why would I do that?" 

"Keep my memory alive, you know? Who knows you might be the only one to really remember me as.. me. Not some name on a page."

"I never thought of it that way."

"I don't think most think of it that way."

"Yes.. I suppose I will keep your memories alive."

He smiled.

- 3:21

"It is saddening."

"What is?"

"How my calculations proved inaccurate."

"Which ones, ASU? You calculate things all the time."

"Well, I was under the assumption that, despite your horrible eating habits, we would have at least 45.4 years left together. Unless you chose to retire early. Thus leaving the ship completely. " 

"I think that is just life ASU. Things.. happen. You can't predict everything exactly, even if you are a smart computer." 

"I should have predicted the cords lifespan being numbered though."

"No. You know just as well as I do that you have no physical body to predict that sort of thing."

"I could have warned you."

"You couldn't have done that."

"It is apart of my system to warn the Captain of any risks."

"But.. you weren't aware of such a risk. Were you?"

 "No.... I couldn't have tested the cords myself."

"Then it was out of your... metaphorical hands. It's okay." 

The mechanical laugh that sounded from his companion sounded almost... saddened. As if an attempt to reassure itself. It caused him to frown.

- 3:00

"Would you have changed your choices in life?"

"What was that ASU?" 

"Would you have done anything differently from the choices you chose?" 

"Hm.. I suppose not. Well, besides the obvious."

"You're quite accepting of your current fate though."

"I have no choice, bud." 

"I am aware of that. But would you not have changed a thing?" 

"No. I'm glad I went to space, and im glad I got you as my partner to help. Even if it doomed me in the end.. the uh, space thing. I don't think you would've doomed me." 

"I would try not to." 

"Try?"

There was a slight tease in his tone that his companion picked up on almost immediately.

"I would not doom you." 

"No no. I'm happy you'd try not dooming me." 

"Perhaps I too am happy to not project you to purposeful torment." 

"I knew you were alive somewhere in there." 

"What, Sam?"

"You're feeling another emotion ASU. I just find that funny."

"I will try and feel more if it causes rises in your endorphin levels more often then." 

"You have a little less than 3 hours to help my brain make more then." 

He couldn't help letting out another small laugh at ASU's stuttered silence. 

- 2:48

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw invalidation/being called a liar, people witnesses the abuse but telling a diff story and idk what I’m looking for really

How could my abuser have done things that caused me rage and grief and there were multiple witnesses but I’m so confused why they take my abusers side and tell me im both faking being the victim and making things up. How can I tell it I’m making things up? How can I tell if im abused or not? Victim or abuser? I think hard about this often and question maybe I genuinely am faking being the victim and im twisting events. Multiple witnesses I thought were seeing what I was seeing but they said they didn’t see the things I remember telling my abuser bout that I think they were doing at the time… and they even went as far as saying I was the abuser. I don’t know what to say or think. How can I tell if I’m making things up or manipulating myself into believing I’m the victim? How can I tell what behaviors are valid reactions to a person and what behaviors are abusive or instigating? With little memory to go off of idk if I just dreamt certain things as a kid and remembered it or idk what’s going on. Idk how to sort through everything.

I did find out though that certain witnesses were creating lies and I managed to actually find this out and see the curated lies/stories they made up to side with my abuser so that’s about 2 witnesses canceled and out. I won’t go through the whole details but that’s it. These two people are child abusers and definitely not trustworthy esp after being caught curating lies…

But the rest of the witnesses seem like normal people and haven’t proven themselves to be a liar or an honest person so I wouldn’t know why they took my abusers side. I’m saying abuser but idek if that’s who she is.

How can I actually tell?

It got to points where my abuser would do something she knew I hated and she knew was crossing a line I drew for myself bc I’d really make myself clear, and I’d say something cruel to her out of pure anger in the moment and every adult around me would go “HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CANT SAY CRUEL THINGS JUST STOP BULLYING, APOLOGIZE NOW” which made me feel like I was constantly given the responsibility of making all this stop but every time id try to stop the issues b/t me and her I seemed to only make things worse, I’d say something I’d regret and again, the cycle repeats of me having to apologize which I did, and then be responsible for this and stop what’s happening which I thought I tried but I had no control to stop it bc I can’t control my abusers actions but I can control mine, but I had a terrible time controlling mine which I apologized for every time but now I feel like I’m just using a victim complex…. I feel I tried to stop things but I feel it was so difficult part of the responsibility seemed out of my hands.

-🥩

Hi 🥩,

I'm so sorry about what you've been going through. While I don't fully know what happened, it sounds like your abuser purposefully gets a rise out of you, and then witnesses often miss the context and antagonize you solely off your reaction. This is known as reactive abuse. It's also possible that, for the people who seem to think that you were the abuser even if they witnessed it themselves, they may have normalized abuse in their own lives or perhaps they're abusers themselves, which could be why they fail to recognize the situation for what it truly is.

I don't think you necessarily have to apologize for your reactions because 1) you are reserved some grace because you're doing what you feel is necessary to survive in the moment even if it doesn't completely make sense and 2) your abuser is no less to blame, no matter what you do in response. But I also think that if you feel apology is appropriate then I think it's possible to balance taking accountability for your own behavior while simultaneously condemning your abuser's. Because when you get in the habit of apologizing for your reactions to the abuse, it can be easy for that to grow into enabling the abuse to continue as well (which is often the goal of people who deliberately take your reactions out of context).

When you're exposed to gaslighting, victim-blaming, DARVO, or antagonization, it can be easy to question yourself, your narrative, and whether or not you were the abuser. Determining whether or not you're making things up or whether behaviors are valid reactions to a person or abusive and instigating is generally on a case-by-case basis. But it's worth taking into consideration your open-mindedness, good faith, and willingness to improve, as well as the substance and productivity of the criticisms leveled against you. In other words, it sounds like you're open to learning from past behavior (even if you didn't actually do anything wrong), and it also sounds like those criticizing you are more so putting you down and silencing you rather than wanting you to grow or defend yourself.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist could help you navigate and process this situation and its complex dynamics, and guide you along your healing journey. I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[but-i-feel-like-i-have-died]

Hey. I'm writing this on a different account today. I hope you don't mind. I just really don't want him to see this and I think this should just be a conversation between the two of us.

It's your birthday today. I'm sure he's thought about you. I know I have. I hope you liked my fun fact today. I know that you're up there in God's loving arms and you always will be. Did you do anything special? I'm not sure what goes on up there but God has the power to do anything so I'm sure it was great anyway.

I'm conflicted to say the least. I say this with all the love in the world, but your cousin is a fucking idiot. I just...I don't know what I'm supposed to do you know? I know I promised you that I would love him with all of my heart and take care of him. I intend on keeping that promise for the rest of my life. But I'm not sure if I'll be in his life anymore tbh.

Every day I feel like he gets further and further from me. You knew him better than anyone, me included. Maybe I didn't know him as well as I thought. He's turning into this jock fuckboy persona that I don't recognize and honestly, it hurts so much. And the reality of the situation is that he doesn't need me anymore. He never really needed me did he?

I look at his posts all the time. There's no place for me in his life anymore. I've done everything that I could. And it's like he never appreciated me or anything I've ever done for him you know? Like I've helped him out financially. I flew to see him just because he asked me to. I defended him when he 100% didn't deserve it. And all that ever happens is him talking to me when it's convenient to him. He asks me to stay extra days for sex honestly. We've lowkey just begun a friends with benefits situation. And it hurts. He's so so so much more to me than just a fuckbuddy. But he doesn't value me in that way.

I really don't wanna break my promise that I made to you. But honesty, he's a liar. He's lied to me this whole time. He lied when he said he'd fight for us. He lied when he said he believed it was us in the end. He lied when he said he'd prove to me that he was sorry and he'd learn. He lied to me when he said he didn't want me to feel underappreciated and used. All he does it fucking lie to me. And I'm so fucking sick of it.

Truthfully, I'm getting to a point where I don't want anything to do with him. I'm sure it'll be an easy adjustment for him. He seems to have cut me out of his life entirely. He keeps telling me he'll help me get a boyfriend or something. Does he understand how much that hurts to hear? That he's actively trying to tell me he doesn't want me anymore but he's too much of a wuss to just be out with it? That he asked me if he should have a hot girl summer? Me, his ex girlfriend who very much still has feelings for him? But he asked me to stay an extra night. But he fucked me the whole night. But he asked me to take a Plan B. Because that's not fucked up right? (While we're here this is the only place I'll admit this but I've faked every single orgasm with him please don't tell him)

He can't ever take away the fact that I fucking tried. I'm loyal to him to a fault. And clearly I don't learn. But I'm ready to be over him. I really am. And honestly, I don't want anything to do with him anymore. All he does is hurt me and he just doesn't fucking care. He says he does but he doesn't. His words, his actions, and his intentions don't line up. And they never do. And they probably never will because he doesn't fucking listen. He doesn't fucking get it.

I know you'll always look over him. I hope he treats the next girl who comes along better than me because he's treated me like shit. And as much as I love him, I deserve so so much better than whatever he's giving me.

Am I dumb to think we still have a chance? That we still have a shot? I know I shouldn't wait and honestly he doesn't deserve me waiting for him. But I can't help but hope. I get so frustrated sometimes because I wanna be over him and I just can't. I don't know why because I need to be over him. I'm tired of constantly being disappointed and abandoned by him. But why can't I let him go?

Anyways, sorry for trauma dumping on you. I just thought I'd update you on my life so far I guess. I'll always be here for him. It's just I know he'll never afford me that same courtesy and knowing that fucking hurts me.

I know you're doing great up there. I hope you know you're so loved and so missed down here. Maybe in another life we can be better friends. But I hope that when I finally see you and meet you we can be friends. We really miss you. Sleep well now my friend.