#so that he never feels helpless again like he did with jordie

[seance]

KAZ BREKKER | the horros of love.

[just-1other-nerd]

Okay the end caught me off-guard but before I died of laughter I had a few sad thoughts about the serious part of this au.

Jordie would have to deal with so much stuff, like the guilt because his brother who he was supposed to look after is even more traumatised now, not only because they lost their money and are poor due to Jordie's gullibility but also because he's the reason that the corpse collectors mistook him for a dead body, if Jordie had just been there he could have prevented this. And add to this that he will feel utterly useless and like a burden once Kaz takes up the role as the competent criminal prodigy. With all this guilt eating this boy alive he won't be as cheerful and optimistic as he was im the canon flashbacks. Would Jordie overcompensate his feelings of uselessness and helplessness by becoming one of the Dregs most brutal fighters?

And what about Kaz, in canon his whole motivation was revenge for himself and for Jordie. But he must have a reason to go through the pain of making his way out of the water in the au, maybe because he wanted to stay alive for Jordie because he knew his brother could never forgive himself if Kaz died like this, maybe he thought that Jordie's dead (while on the island) and still wants revenge on Rollins because he blames him. But what if Kaz didn't know the reason why Jordie left and thought he'd abandoned him? Even if it later on turned out to be a misunderstanding, the things Kaz must have felt would leave an ugly wound that would fester in their future relationship because Kaz was only 9 years old. Would their relationship grow cold and distant and would they start blaming each other for different parts of their lives and would they start to resent each other? Would Kaz who in canon keeps to himself talk to Jordie about his trauma and other stuff?

So many questions!!!

And who of the Rietveld brothers would want revenge on Pekka more? Both of them were immensely traumatised by the events that were set in motion by Rollins' con. And would Pekka recognise the Rietveld brothers when he meets them again? Would they change their name like Kaz did in canon?

With whom of the Dregs would Jordie grow close? How would the crow's dynamics change based on Jordie being there? Would everyone within the Dregs know that the Rietveld brothers are just two farmboys who were tricked or would they lie?

There is a nebulous jordie lives au which lives entirely in my head in which jordie recovers from the plague while Kaz is still sick. He gets up to find them food and water only to return and discover Kaz is nowhere to be found. Still recovering from the fever, he searches the barrel for days before he finally sees Kaz wandering down the staves in a sort of fugue state, soaked to the bone with a haunted look in his eyes.

Kaz won’t tell him what happened, but jordie knows it’s bad because his baby brother flinches every time he touches him, and soon enough he’s started wearing gloves, even in the height of summer.

Soon, they discover kazs gift for cards, and it keeps them fed and clothed, if not much else. Kaz is angry at jordie for losing the money, refuses to let him make any decisions. Jordie is beholden to his angry traumatized little brother because he can’t deny that he failed them the first time around.

Kaz is offered a place in his pick of the gangs, but the only one willing to take both him and his tag along older brother is the dregs. Jordie dies a little bit inside when they join up, when they take the tattoo side by side, but he’s not sure they’ll survive another winter on the streets.

And the plot of SoC generally goes on from there. Jordie tags along on the ice court, he and Jesper test kazs patience at every turn, he’s constantly offering unsolicited annoying older brother advice about Inej.

This lends itself to a really interesting exploration of Kaz and jordies relationship, what holds brothers together in the face of incredible trauma, the skewed power dynamic of Kaz becoming the breadwinner for them both at the age of nine, etc etc. But mostly, this au is a vessel for the sailing of the ultimate crack ship, which is of course, jordie/alys Van Eck.

[aneiria-writes]

Day 23 prompt: “Don’t leave”

‘Don’t leave, Inej…’

Inej awoke with a shock, scrambling into panicked alertness. Her hands instinctively reached for her knives, but they were… gone. 

‘Don’t leave…’

She blinked in confusion, squinting a little as the blurred world around her came into focus. She couldn’t remember falling asleep, but she could hear Kaz, somewhere, his granite voice familiar and distant.

‘Don’t leave, please…’

Kaz’s voice faded, back into whatever dream had dragged her into consciousness, and she realised where she was.

She was in Ketterdam, near the harbour, but something was… different.

The city was bathed in a soft, yellow glow, for one, turning the waters into liquid gold and bathing the buildings with a gilded wash.

Inej got to her feet, feeling light and free. Her hair was loose around her shoulders. The harbourside was silent, and she could see no one else nearby. 

Almost as soon as Inej had that thought, a small figure seemed to appear out of thin air, standing on the edge of the water. 

Inej shook her head, trying to clear the image in front of her, and walked over, slowly, when it remained the same.

It was Kaz, but he was young. Barely a teen, perhaps, but there was no mistaking the sharpness of his cheekbones, the curl of his lips, the arch of his brows. 

‘Kaz?’ she murmured as she approached. 

When they were face to face, up close, she saw her mistake.

He was so like Kaz, but there were a few differences. Blue eyes, instead of brown. Messy hair a shade or two lighter than Kaz. No scars bisected his face, the remnants of knife fights in the Barrel, although he did have the same pockmarks from the plague, only more of them, and with deeper scarring.

Inej’s heart leapt with disbelief.

‘Jordie?’

The boy smiled, and nodded. 

‘What — how are you — I don’t understand.’ 

He gave a little shrug, unperturbed.

‘I’ve been waiting for Kaz,’ he said, and his voice was Kaz’s without the rasp, without the years of hardship and loneliness. ‘It won’t make up for what I did, what he went through because of me, but…’ Jordie trailed off and looked out over the harbour waters. Inej followed his gaze, and could just make out the shadow of Reaper’s Barge in the distance, smoking gently. ‘Well, at least I can be here for him when he finally passes over.’

His words chilled Inej, and she remembered the echo of Kaz’s words in her dream: ‘don’t leave, Inej.’

‘Passes over?’ she repeated, her voice trembling. 

Jordie gave her a kind smile. ‘You don’t need to be scared, Inej. There are people waiting for you, generations of your family waiting to meet you, to welcome you home.’

‘But — why are you here? For me?’ Inej couldn’t get her head around any of this. Was she dying? Was she already dead? 

Where was Kaz?

Jordie smiled for real, then, and it was like Kaz looking out of his face, in those rare moments he let his guard down completely with her. ‘Kaz loves you, Inej. I’m sorry we never got to meet properly, but the least I can do — for Kaz, and for you, for the joy you’ve brought him — is help you cross over.’

The heavy truth sunk in then, and Inej looked over her shoulder in a helpless action, as if she’d be able to see the remains of her life stretched out behind her.

‘Will Kaz be all right?’ she asked, finally, looking back at Jordie.  

For a long time, Jordie didn’t speak. Then he sighed, and shrugged, and smiled sadly. ‘Eventually.’ 

‘Will I see him again?’ The words were barely a whisper from Inej. She couldn’t bear it if Jordie said no.

‘Of course,’ Jordie said, holding out his hand. ‘He’ll come home to you, when it’s his time.’

Inej looked at Jordie’s hand, as a golden circle of light opened up before them. She could hear the muted sounds of the caravan back in Ravka, smell the spices her mother used to cook dinner with, the geraniums that decorated their wagon. 

‘Don’t leave me, Inej, please…’ 

Inej took a deep breath, and reached for Jordie’s hand. 

[morganayenneferburnham]

Have I Known You 20 Seconds or 20 Years? – Nikolai Lantsov Series

Chapter 1: Devils Roll the Dice, Angel Roll their Eyes

Chapter 2: You Did a Number on Me

Chapter 3: You Could Call Me Babe for the Weekend

Chapter 4: The Best of Times, The Worst of Crimes

Chapter 5: All I Know Since Yesterday Is Everything Has Changed

Chapter 6: That Night We Couldn't Quite Forget

A very short summary: Y/N has been working with the crows for a few years. Her life feels complete until she meets the insufferable Nikolai Lantsov. She finds herself forced to work with the King of Ravka on one of Kaz Brekker’s crazy schemes.

Word count: 2k

A/N: Coming back at you with an update!

I introduced Kaz's POV to make it a bit more interesting. Keep in mind that this is taking place a few years after the events of SOC and CK so Kaz has gotten a bit of time to heal. This chapter explores how the events of the night of the party affect Nikolai, Y/N, and Kaz.

Enjoy! :)

Chapter 6: That Night We Couldn't Quite Forget

It had been decided they would stay at the Hendriks’ mansion to prepare for the next part of the job. It would be easier to keep their plans secret that way and the mansion was much more accommodating for their group than the slat.

A few days had passed since Y/N’s troubling confession. It was true that Brekker seemed to be in a particularly sour mood every time Nikolai had tried to talk to him, but the king still couldn’t believe he’d send the Grisha back to the pleasure house.

Even if Dirtyhands truly was as ruthless as rumored, she was simply too valuable... and Nikolai didn’t believe Kaz was everything the rumors made him out to be. He hadn’t missed the hint of pride in Kaz’s voice when he talked about the many talents of his Grisha. Kaz even seemed quite possessive of the girl. Nikolai knew something else had to be going on. Y/N had to be mistaken. Kaz wouldn’t send her back to the pleasure house, Nikolai was sure of it. So why was she convinced he would? What had given her that impression?

Y/N had avoided him since that fateful conversation, but her distance had done little to clear Nikolai’s mind. Had he really imagined the hurt in her eyes when he had told her he shouldn’t have kissed her? Of course. He had to have imagined it. Surely, she couldn’t believe he didn’t want her. She was intriguing, brilliant, and absolutely gorgeous. How could he not want her? How could anyone not want her?

Nikolai couldn’t stop thinking about her. When his mind wasn’t trying to understand what had happened between her and Brekker, it wandered back to that night. The look on her face when he had pulled back from the kiss had been breathtaking. He had wanted to ignore the guard, ignore the job they had to do. He had wanted to stay in the moment, but that had been impossible.

Maybe he should go see her. He should apologize to her. For what? For kissing her? Or for saying he shouldn’t have? Maybe for asking Brekker about her? It baffled him to find himself so helpless when it came to her. He was usually so charming. Why was it so hard with Y/N? He wanted to talk to her. He wanted to know why she thought Kaz wanted to send her back to the Blue Iris. He wanted to be the one to comfort her. That was his problem. He had always wanted things he couldn’t have. He had always wanted too much. Nikolai Nothing. Nikolai, who has no right to his name. Bastard. Nikolai, who has no right to his crown. Pretender. Nikolai, who has no right to her heart.

“Nikolai! Are you even listening?” He flinched. Zoya sounded particularly annoyed.

“Of course, dear. You were going on about the report we’ve received from Tamar.”

“And what exactly does the report say, moi Tsar?” her raised eyebrow and amused smirk made it clear she knew he wouldn’t be able to answer her. Damn it, why does she have to know me so well?

A knock on the door saved him the embarrassment of having to come up with a poorly concocted excuse.

Wylan’s head popped in from the doorway. “Kaz wants to see everyone. He’s made progress with the plan.”

---

Nikolai and Zoya had made their way to the music room, following Wylan through the corridors. Nikolai took place on the back of the small couch facing the table Kaz was using as a makeshift desk. He was right behind the Grisha who occupied most of his thoughts. The chairs had already been occupied by the other members of their little group of misfits, and he figured he was better off leaving the last available one to Zoya. Though he would never admit it; his choice had been influenced as much by his desire to appease Zoya as his desire to be close to Y/N.

Maybe he should’ve thought about the consequences this particular sitting arrangement would have before taking place. He knew Kaz had started explaining something about the security of the base, but he just couldn’t focus on the criminal’s words. Y/N’s head was practically resting on the outside of his thigh and some of her hair was splayed across the fabric of his trousers. The flowery scent of her hair was hypnotizing. Nikolai couldn’t think straight. He wondered if it was as soft as it looked. Saints he wanted to feel it between his scarred fingers. He wanted to touch her. He wanted her.

He had wanted her since the moment they’d kiss. Since the moment he had felt her relax in his arms. If he was truly honest with himself, he had wanted her since the moment they’d met. He knew fairytales were just that, but he could’ve sworn the beautiful Grisha had cast a spell on him, just like in the stories his mother had read to him all those years ago.

---

Kaz had realized Nikolai wasn’t paying attention to anything he was saying. The King’s entire focus was on the corporalnik sitting in front of him. Kaz felt his anger bubbling inside of him. It was becoming a very familiar feeling when it came to the Ravkan King. Losing Jordie wasn’t enough? Losing Matthias and Nina wasn’t enough? Do I really have to watch her leave me too?

Inej had taken over, explaining what she and Zoya had discovered about the guards.

For a long time after Jordie’s death, Kaz had thought he didn’t really need anyone. He thought he hadn’t needed any human connection, but his crows had shown him otherwise. They had made him realize he wasn’t alone. He could rely on people. He could trust them. Losing Matthias had been hard on everyone and much harder on Nina than on any of them. Kaz had understood why Nina had left Ketterdam to go back to Ravka, but understanding hadn’t softened the blow of her departure. Kaz struggled every time he had to watch Inej leave on the ship he had given her even though he knew she always came back to him. He didn’t think he could bear watching Y/N leave their family to follow Nikolai back to Ravka.

It was funny, really. A former Drüskelle, wrongfully convicted of slavery. A Ravkan heartrender with a ridiculous appetite. A Zemeni sharpshooter with a gambling problem. A merchling runaway with a terrible father. A Suli indenture turned spy. A Kaelish corporalnik with a gift for getting on his nerves. This unlikely bunch of people had become his family. They had found their way into his cold heart. He rarely showed it, but he truly loved them.

He had already lost so much. He couldn’t bear losing anyone else. If that meant crossing a king, he wouldn’t hesitate to do it. He’d get Nikolai the plans and the prototypes he wanted, but that would be the last time he’d work with him.

Inej had stopped speaking. She was looking at him expectantly.

“Thank you Darling Inej.” The corners of his mouth quirked up, barely noticeable to anyone but her. “According to the blueprints, the antechamber to the vault functions as a scale. If any weight is added it triggers a defense mechanism. We’ll have to temper with the mechanics of it. I haven’t quite figured that part out yet. I’m hoping Wylan will come up with something.”

“On it, boss! I’ll take a look at the plans after this.” Wylan had really grown into his role with the dregs. Kaz still remembered the insecure boy he had first met for the Ice Court job.

Kaz nodded. “If triggered, the doors to the antechamber close and it becomes sealed before it fills up with water, drowning anyone inside it.”

“No pressure then.” Jesper piped up, his tone was way too jovial for the grim reality they were facing.

---

Y/N knew this meeting was important, but she couldn’t get her mind under wraps. She could feel Nikolai’s every movement behind her, and it was driving her crazy. She felt her hair move with his thigh as he shifted his position repeatedly. She had avoided him as much as she possibly could. She was trying and failing, to appease Kaz. Avoiding Nikolai had seemed to help keep her mind off him a bit during the day but at night her mind kept bringing up that Saints forsaken night.

The previous night she’d dreamt of him, again. However, it hadn’t only been the memories of their kiss. In her dream, they had been back in her room at the Hendriks’ mansion and, this time, the kiss hadn’t been part of an act. It hadn’t been Ainsley and Eoin Ó Ceallaigh. It had been Y/N Y/L/N and Nikolai Lantsov. That was ridiculous. Nikolai couldn’t possibly think of her that way. He obviously didn’t want her. Why would he? He was King of Ravka. He could have anyone he wanted. She was a Grisha indenture working for a barrel boss. She was no one.

That knowledge didn’t help her right now. Nikolai kept shifting his weight behind her. He was distracting her from the meeting, from her job. She couldn’t keep thinking of him. She needed to pay attention to Kaz. She needed to prove to him she could do the job. She needed to show Kaz she deserved her place with the crows. She had to stop thinking about Nikolai.

Kaz kept explaining the information they had already collected and what else needed to be done before the heist. She willed her mind back to the matter at hand. She managed to ignore Nikolai for the rest of the meeting. Keeping a strong hand on her mind’s reins. Kaz ended the meeting sending everyone on their way. There was still a lot to do before they would be ready to break into the military base.

-----

Kaz knew Y/N was lurking behind him. She had waited for everyone to file out before approaching him. He waited for her to speak, knowing she had something on her mind.

“You are going to send me back, aren’t you?” He heard the tremble in her voice. She sounded resigned.

He was surprised by her question. He had been expecting her to lose it on him for being in such a sour mood. He had been expecting a lecture not… whatever this was. “Send you back? Send you back where, Y/N?”

“The house of the Blue Iris, Kaz. I know you think I screwed up on the job. I know how much you hate people screwing up.” That surprised him. Of course, he’d rather have every job go perfectly according to the plan but that was improbable in their line of work. Why would he blame her for something out of her control?

A bitter laugh left his throat. “Is that really what you think of me?” Wasn’t he helping Inej go after slavers? Why would he send anyone to a pleasure house? Let alone a member of his family?

“I would never send you back there! You’re not people, Y/N. You are important to the crew… You’re important to me.” He knew he should leave it at that. “You’re a valuable investment.”

“But… You’ve been so… angry with me?” He could tell she was unsure, scared to make his anger flare up again.

“I’m not mad that a guard came back earlier than you thought, and that you had to improvise. It was the right move.”

“Then why are you mad, Kaz? What did I do?” He could hear the plea in her voice.

“You did nothing wrong.” That was true. He wasn’t mad at her. He was scared to lose her. Not that he’d ever tell her that. “I’m not angry with you, Y/N. My problem is with the king.” She looked at him, her eyes full of questions. He didn’t want to get into it right now. “You should help Wylan with the plan,” he said, dismissing her.

Kaz listened to her footsteps as she left. He still couldn’t believe she doubted him. He hoped he had succeeded in convincing her he never wanted to see her go. If he wasn’t more careful, he was going to push her right into Nikolai’s awaiting arms.

-----

tagged: @power-of-words23

[manikas-whims]

some people are calling Kaz a villain, what do you think?

*sighs* we did this discussion like back in march..

Kaz was never a villain.

He's a morally grey character— done too much bad to be considered good; done too much good to be labelled bad.

He lies in this category. Sure his methods are unconventional, pragmatic and ruthless sometimes but he thinks through every step he takes. He is cautious and knows where his capabilities lie. He knows when to be patient and when to use violence to get something done.

And maybe some readers only ever notice his violent side which is why they rush to rope him into the villain category when he's most definitely not!

I'm telling you, considering everything he did in the past to survive Ketterdam and everything we do read about in the Duology, will not even sum up to the amount of killing the other crows have done. He'd probably be a close #3 I'd say..

It's just his moments of violence are far more intensely described that they put more impact into our minds as readers.

Geels? Kaz breaks his arm after their parlay is over and he does it because the man pointed a gun at him. He does it because his Dregs and also Black Tips are watching. Dirtyhands has to display some acts of cruelty to maintain his image and to add to his cornucopia of myths once in a while.

Oomen? Kaz was literally tired and scared. Inej being stabbed was Deja Vu, reminded him of the time he lost Jordie. He was also in denial and not ready to confront or acknowledge his feelings for Inej, which resulted in his actions coming out more cruel as an outlet..

When Nina tells Inej: "There was enough blood to paint a barn red." Again, he was looking for Inej on the harbour and he was worried for her.

When he dislocated the shoulder of that guy in the Ice Court Prison Cell? Its a chapter from Kaz's pov and he himself said he did it so that other prisoners would be wary of them and not mess with him or his crew. (And right after he also adds he does these things more to remind himself that he's not helpless, than to prove anything to anyone..)

Smeet's Assistant? That man kept calling himself an "honest man", all the while admitting he has control over a girl from the menagerie and can get her to do all sorts of things for Kaz as well. Kaz dropped him off again, because that poor girl's situation reminded him of Inej and of the things she'd probably suffered during her time at the menagerie. He also does it for the helpless girl.

Little Hanna? If we all read the same books then remember he clearly tells Wylan it was either threatening her or snapping her neck. He's showing restraint. And he had sworn to get his money and his girl back, so just understand he'd go to any lengths, even if that involves threatening little kids by pretending to be a demon.

All I'm saying is..he did thief, scheme, lie, beat up and kill people (sometimes those that didn't deserve) but he always had his reasons. He isn't unhinged or has any selfish motives like villains do. He is also aware that most of his actions aren't right, unlike villains who believe their awful actions are the only plausible option to achieve what they're aiming for..

Kaz Brekker is good. Kaz Brekker is bad.

Kaz Brekker is a bit of both. He's a morally grey character.

[draggingthedregs]

suffocating | grisha kaz

A/N: ah! its finally finished! it took me awhile to settle on a plot that i liked and that i felt did the au idea justice but, once i did, i was really happy with how it came along. i also had way too much fun finding ways to incorporate little bits of ravkan language and nods to the actual books in her as well. i will say, it is a bit longer then i originally anticipated. i wanted to give proper background and information and when i considered cutting it or shortening it, it just didnt feel right! and there is a bit of kanej because i am incapable of writing anything soc without it.

PS: thank you to the lovely @kingnikolaiofravka for the original idea! and thank you for being so cool about me falling in love with your idea and running with it!

Word Count: 4373

~~~

When he was a boy, Kaz was told stories of Grisha. 

Depending on who you heard them from, you received different tellings. Though, all stories were, by nature, the same. They told of men and women who could heal any wound, who could bend wind and water to their will, could reshape metals with a simple wave of their hand. Some stories were darker; the Grisha could kill with a single blink, could set your body ablaze and simply watch you burn, could render you helpless with nothing but gasses and powder. 

Like most children, he was afraid of the unknown and the magic they seemed to possess was foreign and strange. It wasn’t until he saw one of them work that he truly understood. 

The man was an Inferni, working in the fields near the Rietveld family farm, burning the soil to help improve the harvest. Kaz had been running through the fields before supper and gotten turned around in the expanse of golden stalks. He had just begun to panic when he heard the sound of footsteps, a soft warmth emanated from his left. 

Kaz walked closer, peeking through to see a man in the clearing up ahead. He was tall and thin, wearing clothes about as clean as Kaz’s. Fire flicked around his wrists and hands, the flint never far out of reach, as long streams licked at the ground, burning away the remnants of dried crops. Without even realizing, Kaz had started walking closer and the man took notice. His arms fell and the fire ceased, as he spoke, his accent was odd and difficult to understand. Kaz was ceratin he wasn’t from Kerch. “Who are you? Where did you come from?”

“I-I-” Kaz stuttered, feeling as though he had been caught doing something he wasn’t supposed to. 

“Well, Otkazat’sya?” The mans tone was short and though he couldn’t understand the word he had used, Kaz didn’t think he heard anger. 

“I got lost. I was just trying to get back home- I didn’t mean to-” 

“What is your name?”

He was tentative but was certainly not trying to anger the man who could create fire. “Kaz.”

“I am Alik.” Alik tucked his flint into the pouch worn around his belt and crouched in front of him. “Where do you live, Kaz?” 

“On a farm near here. The Rietveld’s.” 

“Da, da. Come with me.” Alik patted Kaz’s shoulder as he stood and began walking back through the way he had come in. Kaz scrambled after him, keeping a short distance between them as they walked. To him, it felt as though he had been gone for hours. The sun was orange on the horizon and the last bits of the summer day were fading quickly. Kaz was glad to have Alik with him. 

With a sudden rush of confidence, Kaz felt a question bubble up . “How do you do it? The magic?”

“The fire?”

Kaz simply nodded, quickening his pace to walk beside Alik. 

“It’s just there. But it isn’t magic, it is a science.”

For some odd reason, Kaz understood what he meant. It wasn’t learned or taught, it just was. It helped make the shapes of him, like blood and bone. Kaz had always felt as though he was the problem, never fitting in, never making friends, but maybe it was just who he was. It was just there all along. 

When they approached the Rietveld farm from behind, Kaz breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank you, Alik.”

The man waved with his thin hand, dismissing the thanks. “Just be sure to know where you’re going next time, da? It might not be me who finds you.”

Kaz tilted his head a bit, going to speak, but Alik had already walked through the high stalks, disappearing into the moonlit darkness. 

As he walked back toward to house, Kaz felt a new sense of surety settle in his chest. He glanced over his shoulder at the backdoor, then spun to see in every direction, ensuring no one was around to see him. He stuck his arms out and focused all his energy on them, calling toward something, anything, to respond. His cheeks grew hot and he realized he had been holding his breath. Kaz let out a huff and dropped his arms to his sides, clearly disappointed. 

“What’re you doing out here?” Jordie’s voice sneered from behind. 

Immediately, his cheeks flamed. “Nothing!”

His brother laughed. “It was obviously something.” “Leave me alone, Jordie.”

“Oh come on. Don’t be a baby!”

Kaz spun on him, his eyes narrowed. “I’m not a baby.”

“You sure are acting like one.”

“I said leave me alone.” The sense of surety from before remained, now flowing through his arms and legs, bouncing back and forth in his ribcage. As he clenched his fists at his sides, he seemed to grab hold of it. It was no longer ebbing and flowing, it was constant. 

Jordie’s eyes went wide, with what could only be fear, and his hands scrambled to his throat; he coughed and sputtered, never breaking Kaz’s gaze. 

“Jordie?” 

His brother gave no response, only gasped for air. 

“Y-you’re just playing, right?”

Jordie’s eyes began to roll and his legs buckled. He fell hard to the ground, landing straight on his knees, still clawing at his neck. 

“Da!” Kaz shouted, finally breaking his gaze and uncurling the fists at his side. He ran to the backdoor, throwing it open, and racing to find their father. 

“Da, please! Hurry!” He tugged hard on his arm, pulling to where his brother lay outside. Jordie’s chest now rose and fell in short, rapid pulses. He had turned to lay on his back, gulping down air in a panicked manner, like he was afraid it would leave him again. There were red marks on his neck from where he had been desperately scratching, as if trying to force the air through a new way. 

“What happened?” Their father commanded. He crouched down beside Jordie, helping him sit up before examining him further. 

“He couldn’t breathe!” Kaz replied. “We were talking, and then- and then he started coughing!” 

Jordie turned to Kaz, correcting his description of the events. “We were arguing,” his voice was ragged and thin, he had to stop to take long breaths. “And then Kaz got angry, and I felt like someone was squeezing my throat…”

Kaz began to defend himself. “It isn’t my fault, Da! I didn’t do anything! I couldn’t have!” And it was true. He hadn’t even laid a hand on Jordie, only thought about how angry he was. He hated when Jordie called him a baby, and it happened often. Whenever Kaz cried, wouldn’t share his toy, begged to play with Jordie and his friends in town… Kaz had heard it one too many times. 

His father said nothing more on the subject then. Only lifted Jordie up and helped him inside, telling Kaz to come in for dinner as well. 

Kaz stood there alone for a few moments more, staring at where Jordie had just been. He replayed everything in his mind, trying to remember what had happened. Had he missed something in his memory? Had he seen it all differently?

As he thought, he realized the feeling in his limbs remained. It was a pleasant hum through every inch of him and he found it oddly familiar, like it had always been there. He didn’t need to reach for it anymore, it was simply there; but he wasn’t sure what to do with it. An unpleasant idea crossed his mind. Maybe it was me. Maybe I did hurt him. Maybe the feeling hurt him… 

Quickly, Kaz scurried inside, pushing down those thoughts, trying to force himself to forget them entirely. As they sat down for dinner that night, there seemed to be a cloud hovering over top of them all. His father kept looking between the boys, as if he knew something they didn’t. 

***

In Ketterdam, Grisha were closer to property than people. 

They were bought and sold, like they were nothing more than a piece of machinery or an ornament in a merchers collection of treasures. The indentures were common, as they were a pretty way to make slavery sound more appetizing, to both the government and incoming, desperate Grisha. 

Even as a boy, Kaz had been instructed to keep hidden; his ability was to be used only when most necessary, for everyone's safety. When they moved to the city, there were times when he’d go weeks without it. His skin would go pale, shadows formed under his eyes and cheekbones, and his clothes hung off him more so than before. Jordie would worry when he wouldn’t eat, would say he looked more and more like a ghost everyday, but Kaz didn’t care. All he could think of was the hum he felt beneath his skin that wanted more, he wanted more. After Jordie was gone, Kaz quickly learned that it was the best weapon he could have ever asked for. 

When the alleyways of Ketterdam were swallowed by shadow, Kaz would strike. He waited for an unsuspecting victim to walk by, so long as they looked promising, and dropped them unconscious with a wave of his hand. He’d then scurry out of the dark, picking away at their persons, leaving nothing on them but their clothes. With a quick run back to the comfort of his hiding spot, he’d bring them to and let them ponder on what possibly could have happened. 

After Kaz joined the Dregs, he grew more careful. He saw the same people everyday, walked the same routes, did the same jobs; he couldn’t risk anyone finding out he had been harboring such an profitable secret. Still, to keep himself well and, quite frankly, entertained, he found ways to use his power that raised little attention. It started with a few girls. 

Kaz would catch them staring across the busy streets, curling their hair around their fingers and batting their lashes at him. The glance he gave in return was always small, just to keep their attention long enough to do his little trick. He’d ball his fist at his side, raising their heart rate and pushing a rosy blush up their cheeks. He could always tell by the looks on their faces how they’d responded. Some felt betrayed by their own emotions, others felt lovesick, their goofy grins constantly comical to him. 

That grew into something different, a similar trick that proved more efficient with the Barrel’s uglier inhabitants. Whenever Kaz came up against a rival gang or the occasional lone thief who fancied themselves quite the criminal, he would spike their heart rates. His fingers now tapping once against the cane to trigger the change. He urged their hearts faster than the girls; they needed to be afraid, not in love. Sweat would bead upon their brow, sometimes with his help and sometimes without; their speech would stutter to a slur or even a stop, and Kaz would know that he had them. 

All of these people had something in common; they were easy to fool, maybe even wanted to be. They all came for a show, for the preceding reputation Ketterdam carried. Kaz was only ensuring they all got what they came for, and in return he got what he wanted as well. They would remember the unexplainable sense of panic Dirtyhands had caused and he reveled in the reputation that began to build itself. The stories they told of Kaz Brekker, who made your heart pound with simply his gaze, reverberated through the city and beyond. 

Good, he thought, let them talk. 

His habit of wooing women dwindled as the years went on, realizing he preferred the look of fear in a mans eyes rather then the look of lust. But, after one chance encounter at the Menagerie of all places, he began to feel it for himself. 

The way she sat in his windowsill and fed her crows, the way she watched the stars when she thought it was too dark for anyone to see her, the way she never shied away from telling him exactly what she thought… It all made his heart thump and, had he allowed it, he probably could have conjured a goofy grin himself.  

The thoughts of her made him sick, though not because of the icy cold nightmares, but because then he’d have to admit that he cared for her, admit to himself that he wanted more than the Wraith simply sitting in his window. He couldn’t stop seeing her in his sheets, her inky hair swirling against his pillows, her hands running up his arms… Yet even still, he promised himself that his trick was never for her. She deserved better then him and certainly better then a cheap guise of affection. 

Kaz had hidden his ability from even her. After so many years of secrecy, he found it impossible to even consider uttering the words aloud to anyone. Until, one night he was left without a choice. 

It had only been the two of them on the canal that night. Inej was settled on top of a rickety apartment building, watching as Kaz waited for their target on the cobbled streets below. The man they were looking for was Harold Kerjach, an employee of Halleen with shifting loyalties. He had offered Kaz information, requesting a specific sum of kruge for his troubles. Though it was suspected that Kerjach wouldn’t come alone, neither of them felt too worried about needing more power then Dirtyhands and his Wraith could provide. 

Inej caught sight of him coming in from the right. She nudged a pebble over the edge of the roof with her toe to alert Kaz of the man’s presence. With a little nod, he turned, looking both ways like a child crossing a bustling street before making his way forward. Inej carefully shimmied down the brick siding, clinging to a drainpipe. The next row of apartments couldn’t simply be leaped to as she would have liked, crawling down left her vulnerable. As she prepared herself for scaling the next building, eager to follow alongside Kaz, she felt the point of a blade jab the side of her throat. 

A husky voice with hot breath crooned in her ear. “Look what I’ve caught. Brekker’s little spider.”

Her mind raced and with barely any time to think, she reached for the knife in her sleeve. The hilt had just graced her fingertips when another set of hands grabbed her arm. Inej nudged the blade back into place before it could slip free and clatter to the ground. Suddenly, she became keenly aware of the fact that she was surrounded. Three men stood around her, her front still snuggly against the brick wall of the second building. She was trapped. 

A different voice spoke now, this time, coming from her left. “Come with us, pretty girl, and you won’t hurt too much tomorrow.”

Inej snarled, his words forcing memories of a gilded cage and blue silk into her head. She shoved her elbow toward him, praying the jab would land, and thanking her saints when it connected with his gut. Quickly, her other elbow did the same, freeing both of her arms. One leg kicked backward as she spun towards them, hitting the man across the knees, causing him to stumble back. Finally, she allowed for the comfort of her blades to slide into her palms. 

Inej heard the cock of a gun from the dark. 

Kaz had been given useless leads before but this was almost too pointless. Harold Kerjach may have worked for Halleen but he didn’t even seem to know the combination code for the building lock. It had only taken one look for Kaz to realize something was wrong, but he couldn’t pick out a plan, couldn’t see where the hole was. Not until he heard the scrape of boots against pavement and the muffled struggle coming from the alley behind him. 

Kaz cocked and raised his pistol in one motion, pointing it straight between Kerjach’s eyes. “You chose the wrong man to pull one over on.” 

He needed the attention off of him and onto the barrel of the gun pointed at the mans head. Kaz gripped his cane tighter and the breath left Kerjach’s body in one swift gulp. He collapsed onto the pavement and, with a definitive tap of Kaz’s thumb against the crow’s eye, his lungs closed in his chest. Kaz held his gaze only until he was sure Kerjach lost his last breaths of life. 

Kaz ran quickly in the direction he had come, turning the corner to a small alley, where he saw Inej struggling against three men. She had been pressed against a wall, lifted off her feet by the collar of her shirt. The other two pressed her wrists flush against the brick, leaving only her legs free. She kicked and scrambled, struggling for any blade she could grab and bucking her legs in an attempt to kick the man holding onto her collar. The one pinning her right wrist, the shock of his white hair nearly glowing in the moonlight, seemed to grow tired of her thrashing and pulled out a knife, slicing a thick line down the side of her neck.

Inej let out a hiss that nearly bordered on a whimper.

It felt as though time slowed for Kaz as he walked forward and grabbed ahold of a heart with his free fist. The man holding Inej’s throat froze, his eyes widening. Kaz squeezed again, this time harder. The man dropped her as he stumbled back, allowing Inej to catch a second wave of strength. She drove her knee upward, connecting with one of the men’s groin. It was this frantic moment that she finally looked toward Kaz. Her gaze was wild and, if he had to venture a guess, frightened.

Kaz lifted his hand in the air, slowly clenching his fingers as the man with the blade seized in his grip. The bloody blade fell to the ground with a clang, ringing through the alley. He walked around, making sure he would be the last thing this man saw. His arm twisted, left and right, slowing his heart with every turn. Then, with a quick shove, he sped it back up. 

The stress the irregularity was causing was apparent. The blond coughed and sputtered, breathing heavily. Kaz’s vision tunneled, the world went quiet, and his fist closed tightly. He felt the mans heart burst, like a balloon with too much air; the sensation reverberated through him. Blood trickled out of his mouth, a crimson trail falling down the side of his chin before he slumped forward, hitting the ground with a thick thud. 

As Kaz lowered his hand and remembered his place, he realized the eerie silence in his head had blanketed the entire alleyway. Inej stood a few feet away, staring at him with an unreadable expression. The other two men lay dead at her feet, one with his throat slashed and the other with blood pouring from his eyes and ears. Kaz wasn’t entirely sure what he had done and what she had, his panicked memory blurring most of it together. His gaze fell to the thick covering of blood down the side of Inej’s neck. It flowed down past the collar of her shirt, now torn and stretched, staining the fabric.

His voice was rough as he spoke. “Your throat.”

She didn’t respond, only stared, looking up at him with gentle eyes and stepping closer.

“Inej -”

“You’re a Heartrender.”

Kaz let out a breath and nodded. His response was matter-of-fact, knowing there was no way out of this now. “I am.”

Inej considered him for a moment longer. The confusion and curiosity in her eyes was crystal clear, like this was the first time she was truly seeing him. “Can you do what Nina can? Can you heal too?”

“Not as well.”

She gently unstuck a few strands of hair from the blood coating her throat, scraping the messy braid over  her other shoulder. Inej knew that Kaz normally would have suggested that they go find Nina, make her deal with the slash in a quick and orderly manor, but she didn’t want anyone else to see her like this, she wanted him. “What about this?”

Kaz had watched Nina work on different members of the Dregs on multiple occasions. He payed careful attention to the way her hands moved, the way she held their limbs, the look on her face… Late at night, well after everyone else had gone to sleep or left the Slat entirely, he’d sit alone in his room and dwell on his own body. Scratches, cuts, gunshot wounds, whatever the ailment, he’d sit by the dim lighting at his desk and try to piece himself back together. The scars were always thick and ugly, the cuts sometimes looking worse than when he’d first began. He had never truly gotten the hang of it; never felt as though healing suited the Bastard of the Barrel. 

He considered her wound before carefully peeling the glove from his hand. Kaz forced a deep breath. Had the person in front of him been anyone else, he would have laughed in their face at the ask. Would’ve told them to find a medik before they lost too much blood to walk themselves home. But not with Inej. He would have done anything she liked, anything she asked. 

His fingers were nimble and pale, shaking as they gently brushed against her. The nausea arose, like it always did, but this was different; it was a manageable feeling. He focused on the long cut, focused on her beneath his touch. This was the closest they had ever been. Kaz could feel her heart beat beneath his fingertips, the warmth of her shoulder that was nearly pressed against his chest; he listened to her deep breaths against the silence of the alley, hearing the hitch in her throat as he began working away at the thickest part of the cut. 

After a few moments, Kaz had closed the edges of the wound. He wouldn’t be able to prevent a scar but it didn’t matter. He was fairly certain that Inej wouldn’t care about looks, she had only wanted to remain upright and conscious. He lingered a second longer, despite having finished, he couldn’t help but revel in having her this near. Eventually, he forced himself back from her warmth, swallowing down the image of his bare hand trailing up to her cheek, his lips gently meeting hers. 

Inej hadn’t taken her eyes off him and even now, she remained determined. Kaz could see  a question pulling at the edge of her lips, one dark brow raised high on her forehead. Her way of making silence palpable and, quite frankly, loud, irked him. He quickly grew impatient. “What is it, Wraith?”

Inej didn’t jump at his snap, she never did, if anything she moved closer, studying his face. “Do you do it on purpose?” 

“What?”

She looked down at the concrete, in deep thought, then she looked back up, meeting his gaze once more. He saw the conflict in her eyes, the regret creeping in as she asked what she had been thinking. “Do you steal my breath everytime I see you on purpose?”

Kaz felt the world spin, his lungs seemed to give out all on their own. He couldn’t have heard her right. His trick wasn’t for her, it never had been but- had he done it without realizing? Had the feeling creeped into his hands without him letting it? A quick vision of Jordie clutching his throat flashed through Kaz’s mind. 

Inej waited for his answer, appearing as still as always, though her eyes were stormy and filled with apprehension. 

“No,” He began and, before he could think better of it, his next thought fell out of his mouth, hanging in the air between them. “But I feel as though I could ask you the same.” 

She stood a bit straighter, a drop of hope running down her spine. Inej didn’t respond to his remark, simply stared at the boy in front of her. Somewhere, deep down, she knew that he wouldn’t have played a game such as that, not with her. Yet hearing the words come from his lips, made her heart thump even more. Kaz had not changed from earlier in the night, walking in along the canal to now standing among bodies in the alley, but Inej couldn’t fight the feeling that right now, she was seeing something new. 

With a nod of his head, Kaz gestured toward the way they had come. “We should be going. Before someone sees us here.” 

Inej followed alongside him quietly. 

The moon, high in the air, reflected pretty ripples in the canal beside them. Kaz fought the urge to watch her as they walked, glancing down once, then twice, before giving in. 

The light touched the bridge of her nose, the soft curve of her forehead and lips, her eyes shimmering with sparkles. Despite the blood now dried on her throat, she looked picturesque, like an oil painting that seemed a little too good to be true. It didn’t take long for her to feel his gaze, glancing upward with the gentle turn of her head. Kaz felt his heart thumping quickly in his chest. Once again, he felt like one of the girls he’d met on the street, his own grin bubbling under the surface. 

He couldn’t stop hearing her voice in his head, asking if he had dug around in her chest like so many others. Without even realizing it, Kaz had once again given her the choice. She would always get to decide for herself, whether she stayed or went, loved or hated, touched or didn’t. Inej would always receive the best from him, the best of him, because she hadn’t given him the same choice. 

Kaz would always be bound to lose his breath and feel his heart pound at her mercy, and as much as he hated to say it, he enjoyed it. 

fin.

[bennwriting]

2. Best Date Ever

Cara and Jamie spend the day together Fluffy fluffy fluff

Part 2 of A Season of Firsts

12/6/15

Jamie rang the doorbell and stepped back. Cara emerged shortly with a pair of figure skates slung over her shoulder.

"Hi," Jamie smiled brightly as he kissed her cheek and put an arm around her. "All set?"

"Yep! Are you sure you don't mind? I know you spend half your life on the ice, so if you're sick of it and want to do anything but put on a pair of skates, that's cool."

"Nope," he reassured her. "It'll be nice to skate just for fun. And outdoors but not freezing? It's gonna be great."

"I can't wait. I've never skated outdoors!"

Jamie smiled at her enthusiasm and opened the door for her before hopping into his truck and heading to Frisco.

When they pulled into the nearly empty parking lot next to the rink, Cara frowned. "Are you sure they're open? There's no one here."

Jamie grinned. "Absolutely sure. I called last week and reserved the rink for us."

"Wait. You reserved it? As in we have it to ourselves?"

"Yep. All ours."

"Jamie Benn!" she chastised. "You are too much."

"Well I wanted you to have room to skate with no one running into you. Except me," he grinned.

"You're spoiling me already," she blushed.

"I'm the one who's spoiled. I don't want to share. My ice or my girl."

"Your girl, huh?" she raised an eyebrow.

Now Jamie blushed. "I don't mean — I'm sorry — I just —"

"It's ok, Canada," she giggled. "I was just teasing. Besides, my niece is already calling you my man anyway. May as well go both ways."

"Oh is she now?" Jamie laughed.

"Oh yes. She's basically already planning our wedding. She's a huge fan. And not just of your hockey skills. And she's probably going to kill me for telling you that. And I'm rambling. I should shut up. Let's go skate!"

Before he could respond, she was out of the truck and headed toward the ice, covering her mouth with both hands. Chuckling, he grabbed his skates from the back seat and followed her, checking in with the attendant and then heading over to the benches by the rink.

When he sat down next to her, Cara was lacing up her skates, still blushing furiously. "Can we just forget my word vomit back there? I do that when I'm excited. Or nervous. Or embarrassed. Which makes it worse. And I'm still talking. Oh god." Again she clapped her hands over her mouth, staring at her feet.

"Hey," he said, reaching over to pull her hands away and turn her face toward him. "It's ok. You're really cute when you're embarrassed, y'know."

His hand lingered on her cheek, and she finally looked up at him, green eyes bright in the sun. Hesitantly, he leaned closer. He closed his eyes and softly connected their lips. He kissed her cautiously, questioning. When he pulled away, he kept his hand on her cheek.

Her eyes fluttered open for a moment, then she reached up to pull Jamie back down to her lips, answering his question. Goosebumps raced down his back as she ran her fingers up the base of his skull, but the kiss remained tender and sweet, both of them just feeling each other out.

Finally, reluctantly, Jamie broke away to catch his breath. They stared into each other's eyes for a long moment, both a little stunned. Then the corners of their lips curled into smiles, followed by ear-splitting grins, which dissolved into helpless giggles.

"Oh god, I feel like a teenager right now," Cara squeaked through the giggling.

"A bit, yeah," Jamie agreed, stifling a giggle. Embracing his inner 14-year-old, he grinned impossibly wider and grabbed her hand. Cara threw her head back and laughed, and when she looked back at him, he couldn't help but lean in for another quick kiss before asking, "Now that that's settled, should we skate?"

Cara nodded vigorously and let go of his hand to finish tying her skates. While Jamie was changing into his, she stepped out onto the ice. She started off slowly, skating in small circles. Jamie followed and glided around the boards, testing out the ice and just watching her. When she seemed a bit more confident, he skated up behind her, turning backwards as he passed her.

"Obviously you've skated before, but you're a little rusty?"

"I used to skate all the time, but it's been forever," she confirmed. "It's coming back though."

"So how did a Texas girl get into ice skating?" Jamie asked.

"Well, one of my best friends growing up skated competitively. So sometimes I'd hang out at the rink, or she'd hang out at the barn. Never enough for either of us to be competitive, but enough to learn a few things. Like this," she smiled and skated ahead a bit and did a small waltz jump.

Jamie applauded, impressed, and caught up with her, grabbing her hand again, earning a giggle and a blush.

The two of them skated around the little rink for most of an hour, chatting and showing off, horsing around a bit, enjoying the beautiful 60° sunshine and each other's company. When their time was up, they raced each other to the exit, Cara just edging Jamie out.

"You so let me win," she laughed.

"Nahhh," he lied, grinning guiltily.

They changed out of their skates and simultaneously reached for each other's hand, smiling happily as they walked to the truck. Jamie planted another soft kiss on Cara's lips before opening her door.

...

Two hours later, they were sitting side by side on a blanket, sharing a sushi sampler.

"Oh my god, you have to try this one," Cara said, handing Jamie a particularly delicious piece.

He reached out, but in a fit of playfulness, he grabbed her hand instead and ate the sushi right from her fingers. Her mouth formed a silent "oh" as his lips grazed her fingertips.

"Mmm, that is good," he confirmed when he was done. Smirking a little, he cradled her face in both hands and leaned in to press his lips to hers. Still slightly stunned, she moved only her lips at first, but as the kiss intensified, she lifted one hand to his chest, the other to the back of his neck, sending goosebumps racing over his skin again.

Lost in the moment, he brushed a hand down to the small of her back and pulled her body closer to him. She wrapped an arm around him, digging her fingertips into his shoulder blade.

A loud thud in the distance, followed by a whinny, made both of them jump, breaking the kiss.

"Ohmygod I forgot where we were for a minute," Cara sputtered, embarrassed.

"Shit," Jamie laughed. "We are teenagers."

Cara giggled and blushed but didn't move away. Instead, she tucked herself into Jamie's side and leaned her head back on his shoulder. He wrapped his arm around her and kissed her temple, then fed her a piece of sushi. "Your turn," he said.

She fought the urge to lick the sauce off his fingers. They were, after all, in public, and she didn't want to start something she wasn't prepared to finish. But feeding each other, snuggled up together, she couldn't help imagining where it might lead.

When they were finished eating, Cara laced her fingers with Jamie's and closed her eyes, relaxing against his chest. “So how much horse experience do you have?” she asked.

“A little. A trail ride here and there. Nothing serious. I know the basics. How long have you been riding?”

“Oh goodness, since before I could walk. My mom did endurance riding from the time she was a teenager. She slowed down a bit when my brother came along, more after my sister — still competing, but shorter rides. By the time I was in middle school, we were competing together.”

“Wow, so you were really born into it, eh?”

“Yeah. Sean and Molly were never really interested though. We joke that Mom kept trying until she had a kid who loved horses as much as she does,” she laughed. “That's why there's six years between each of us.”

“Oh man, that's a big spread. There's only a couple years between me and Jordie and Jenny.”

“Yeah I was still in elementary school when I became an aunt the first time. That's part of why Liv and I are so close, I guess. Well, that and her mom not being around. You should come out for one of her Equest sessions sometime," Cara invited. "See what some of your MS Society donations go to."

"I'd like that," Jamie agreed.

"On that note," Cara snickered. "Ready for the nickel tour?"

"Lead the way," Jamie smiled.

After stowing the blanket in the truck and putting their trash in a nearby bin, they strolled toward the barn, hands clasped together.

"So this is where you spend most of your time?" he asked.

"Yep," she answered. "About 60 hours a week, anyway. It's my second home."

She led him through the barn, explaining the setup. Near the end of one row, Cara stopped and looked up at Jamie.

"When we get to the next aisle, check out the clown in the last stall on the right," she snickered, rolling her eyes. Curious, Jamie nodded. He was surprised when she stopped at another stall before they rounded the corner.

"This is Zeke," she said, rubbing the nose of an enormous black horse. "You'll be riding him," she said, oddly loudly. "He's super gentle and laid back."

"Why are you yelling?" Jamie asked.

Cara laughed, "For the clown's benefit. Watch." She motioned him over to the other side of the aisle and pointed her thumb toward the end of the row. Resuming her elevated volume, she winked and started walking away. "Let's see ... who should I ride today?"

Jamie saw a white nose appear from the far stall. As Cara's voice retreated, the rest of the horse's head emerged. When Cara still stayed out of sight, the horse whinnied loudly. Cara stood where Jamie could see her, laughing silently behind her hand. The horse squealed, tossing its head and snorting. Finally, Cara gave in and sauntered around the corner, planting her hands on her hips in mock disapproval.

"What's with all the racket, ya big baby?" she scolded. She strolled down to the stall, where the horse was still tossing its head. "You are a 900 lb toddler," she chided, but an affectionate smile lit up her face.

"Jamie, this brat is Glorfindel — Finn for short," she giggled. "He's spoiled and stubborn and willful. He's also mine," she beamed, "and the most beautiful, loving creature in the whole world." She punctuated the statement with a kiss on Finn's nose. She turned and leaned her back against the stall door, and Finn dropped his bright copper head over her shoulder so she could rub his face with one hand and feed him a carrot with the other.

Jamie approached quietly, smiling. "He's gorgeous. But if you're a trainer, why is your horse a brat?" he laughed.

"Preacher's kid is a hellion, right?" she giggled. "He's too smart for his own good. And I probably do let him get away with too much. He's still young though."

"Well, hello, Finn," Jamie greeted, letting the horse smell his knuckles. "I hope you don't mind sharing her with me."

"Oh, don't worry. He gets tired of me making him work. He's more than happy to see me go at the end of the day." As if nodding in agreement, Finn snorted and tossed his head. "Brat!" Cara retorted and shoved the horse back into the stall, sticking her tongue out at him. Sliding the door open, she slipped a halter on Finn and threw the leadrope over his back, then grabbed Jamie’s hand and started walking away.

“Uhh, aren’t you forgetting something?”

“Nope. He’ll follow.” And he did, nose to Cara’s back, all the way to the saddling area, where she hooked him up to the cross-ties before taking Jamie to fetch Zeke.

After saddling the horses, they headed out onto the trails. Cara led until the trail widened, then they rode side by side, Zeke and Jamie comically towering over Cara and Finn. Fortunately, Zeke was content to plod along while Finn almost jogged to keep up. They chatted as they rode, about family and where they grew up and favorite memories, and Cara pointed out highlights of the trail — wildlife, beautiful old trees, a small stream that fed into the Trinity River. She kept the ride fairly short, knowing he wasn't used to hours in the saddle, and they returned to the barn a little over an hour after they left.

Together, they unsaddled and brushed the horses, then returned them to their stalls — first Zeke, then Finn. Jamie followed Cara into Finn’s stall and watched quietly as she had him lower his head so she could take his halter off, then pushed him back and made him square his feet. Everything was a combination of command and affection. Cara was undeniably the boss, despite being outweighed by several hundred pounds. As she fed the horse a treat and hugged him, she caught Jamie staring and blushed. “What?”

Jamie smiled softly. “Nothing, just watching.” He stepped closer and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “And I really want to kiss you right now.”

Without a word, she let go of Finn and pulled Jamie down to her lips. He kissed her softly for a moment before sucking her bottom lip between his teeth. After tugging at it gently, he pulled back to look in her eyes — such beautiful eyes — and the want he saw there made his head spin a little. He kissed her more deeply then, tongue exploring her mouth, tasting. Her fingers drifted up into his hair, dislodging his baseball cap, dropping it to the floor as she kissed him. He wrapped his arms around her back, pulling her closer.

Hands were starting to roam southward when Finn got tired of being ignored and shoved Cara's back with his nose, knocking her into Jamie and making them stumble. Jamie fell on his butt in the shavings with Cara straddling his lap.

“Are you ok?” they said in unison. They giggled and both nodded. They locked eyes for a long moment and were just leaning into another kiss when Finn snorted, startling them into another fit of giggles.

“I think he's trying to kick us out,” Jamie laughed.

“Yeah probably. We'd better listen before he gets rowdy.” She kissed him softly before standing up and walking over to kiss Finn on the nose. “Sorry, baby boy, didn't know you were the jealous type. Ok that's a lie, I totally did. Brat.” Shoving him affectionately, she opened the door and took Jamie's hand as they stepped out of the stall. Finn wasted no time, lying down as soon as he had room and rolling happily. Cara and Jamie laughed at him as she closed the door.

Pulling her close, he kissed her softly. “So I guess we're done here. How do you feel about Christmas lights?"

Eyes wide, Cara practically squealed, "I love them!"

"Great, me too," Jamie said.

"Is that my surprise?"

"Part of it, yes."

"Yay! So what's the other part?"

"Still a surprise," he grinned.

"UGH! You're going to kill me with the suspense.” She mock-pounded her fist on his chest. “Do you know how crazy I've been all week wondering?"

"Well, a couple more hours shouldn't be too bad," he laughed. "C'mon, we've got time to clean up before dark."

…

[three hours later]

“So where are we going?”

“You are worse than a little kid. It's a surprise!”

“You. Are. Killing. Me.”

Jamie just laughed as he parked the truck. When they got out, he took her hand and led her around the corner, where they were greeted by a shopping center lit up for the holidays. Jamie checked his watch and nodded, then led Cara to a bench and sat down, putting his arm around her.

“Are we waiting for something? I mean this is pretty, but it's a shopping center. And you're looking at your watch.”

He laughed. “Yes, about five minutes. That ok?”

“Yeah I guess I can wait five minutes,” she giggled. She snuggled into his side and looked around at the decorations, then up at him. He was staring up at the lights, eyes bright, a small smile on his face. It was so cute, she couldn't resist planting a kiss on his cheek. He looked down at her then, smiled wider, and kissed her softly.

They stared at each other, smiling, trading a few small kisses, until they were pulled from their trance by the sound of Christmas music. Jamie smiled broadly and watched Cara's eyes light up as she looked around and saw the light show, set to the music, begin around them. He tried to watch the lights as well, but it was hard to take his eyes off her. He ended up only seeing about half the show. It was worth it to see her face, he thought.

When it was over, she looked up at him with a huge smile on her face and said, “Do it again!”

He laughed loudly and told her, “Sure. In an hour.” Then he winked and kissed her again. “Ready to go eat?”

Cara nodded. When they stood, she hugged Jamie tightly and stood on her tiptoes to kiss him before taking his hand and walking with him down the street to the restaurant.

They were seated at a table by a window, and Cara shook her head, blushing. “You've thought of everything, haven't you?”

Jamie blushed too. “I just wanted today to be perfect.”

“It has been,” she smiled. “I feel spoiled. And happy. And a little bowled over.”

“Too much?” he asked sheepishly.

“Yes. But not in a bad way,” she smiled. She reached across the table and laced their fingers together. “Today has been crazy and fun, and I've loved every minute of it. I just don't want you to think you have to throw money around to impress me.”

“I'm not just trying to impress you.” He looked down at their hands. “Well ok, maybe a little, yeah,” he smiled. Running his thumb over hers, he looked back up at her. “Mostly I just want to spend time with you, do fun things with you, make you smile.” Cara smiled. “I have money, sure, but I don't want you to feel weird about it.”

“It's just not necessary. I'd be just as happy eating cheap pizza and watching a movie with you as I was having private ice time and this nice dinner.”

“We can do anything you want.” He looked at her seriously. “Look, I make a lot of money, yes. But I have a weird schedule and a lot of responsibilities and not as much privacy as I'd like. Being able to do nice things for you kind of makes up for all the hassle.”

“Ok. As long as you know I don't need that to stay interested. I like you , Jamie, not the money.”

“I like you too — a lot. And I totally understand if my crazy life is too much. It's too much for me sometimes. But I'd really like you to be a part of it, if you're up for it. It's not a bad life — don't get me wrong. I love that I get to play hockey for a living. I have a pretty cool life because of hockey. But it's not a normal life.”

She smiled back at him. “I've seen your crazy schedule already. Fortunately, mine is pretty flexible. Yeah it's gonna be a little weird dating a celebrity. But in the two months, three dates and seven hundred text messages since I met you, I've only gotten more interested. I'm in. My only rule is honesty. You'll know what I'm thinking. I want to know what you're thinking. Deal?”

“Deal,” he smiled. Then he blushed a bit. “Um, in the interest of honesty, hockey players have a … reputation. I'm not gonna pretend I've never been guilty of it, but if I'm dating you, I am not taking random girls back to my hotel room. No matter what you may read on the internet.” He grimaced.

“Well just so you know, I won't be messing around with someone else when you're away, either. I'm a one-guy-at-a-time kind of girl.”

“I just don't want you to get hurt because you're with me. People can be … vicious.”

The genuine concern on his face was charming — and maybe a little worrying. “People are horrible. I know that. I won't let it get to me. Do you want to keep this quiet for a while? Is that even possible?”

“I don't want to sneak around like we're doing something wrong. I want people to see this beautiful woman I can't get enough of,” he grinned, “but I also kinda want to keep you all to myself. I'll leave it up to you. We can be as public or private as you want.”

“Flattery will get you everywhere, Mr. Benn,” she blushed. “How about we hold off on the billboard, but we don't hide out in our houses either?”

“Perfect.” He brought her hand to his lips and pressed a lingering kiss to her palm. “I wasn't planning to get into all that tonight, but I'm glad we did. I like knowing where I stand.”

“Me too. Now we can just have fun.”

The rest of their dinner was filled with stories and laughing, punctuated by pauses where they just smiled quietly at each other.

After dessert had been shared and the check paid, they walked hand-in-hand to the car, where Jamie opened the door for her before climbing in and starting the truck. “You up for one more surprise?” he asked, smiling.

“Another one? Are you serious?”

Jamie's face fell. “We don't have to. If you're ready to go home, that's fine too.”

“No, no, that's not — I'm not ready to go home. I'm just …” She smiled softly at him and reached over to touch his cheek. “I'm just blown away by you, that's all. So blown away.”

“Good,” he laughed, “because this last bit is my favorite part of the whole plan.” He leaned across the console and kissed her deeply. When they broke apart, they continued to trade small, breathless kisses, until Jamie softly said “We should go or we're going to miss it.”

Smiling into another ghost of a kiss, Cara giggled, “Oh you mean kissing you in the truck isn't the surprise? Damn.”

“No, but it can be,” he offered. And kissed her.

“Ooooh tempting,” kiss“but I want to know”kiss “what the actual surprise is.”kiss

Jamie groaned jokingly. “Oh ok fine.” kiss“Let's go.” He kissed her one more time, then buckled his seatbelt and headed north.

…

They could see the Christmas lights from the highway. Cara's eyes widened as they got closer. “Holy cow,” was all she could say.

“This is supposed to be amazing,” he smiled.

Two miles of drive-through Christmas lights, dozens of oohs and ahhs, a few excited squeals, and a handful of stolen kisses later, they stood at the front of the line to see Santa Claus.

“So do you like this surprise?” Jamie asked. They stood facing each other, her hands in his, and it was all he could do not to ignore the people around them and kiss her breathless.

“This is the best one of all. I can't believe we're about to see Santa. This is the most fun date I've ever been on. Seriously. Ever.”

He couldn't help it. He leaned down and placed a tiny, chaste kiss on her lips. Then he held her hands up to his lips and held them there for a moment longer. “Me too.”

After their photo with Santa (the two of them sitting on the floor on either side of Santa’s legs, grinning like little kids, Santa laughing merrily), they bought some hot cocoa and snuggled on a bench together to drink it.

Cara stifled a yawn, but not fast enough that Jamie didn't see it.

“Tired?”

“No!” Another yawn escaped. “Ok maybe.”

Kissing her forehead, he chuckled. “Come on, let's get you home. It's getting late.”

“But I don't want this to end!”

“Baby, we can do this again. As many times as you want. Or we can do something else. We don't have to stay all night. They'll be closing soon anyway.”

Cara giggled and buried her face in his shoulder.

“What's so funny?”

“Nothing.”

“Come on, tell me. What are you giggling about?”

“It's nothing, really.” She blushed and shook her head. “I just … you called me ‘Baby’ and I got butterflies in my stomach.”

“Is that ok? Good butterflies?”

“Yes, I like it. I just wasn't expecting it. It's … cute. Sweet. Like you,” she smiled up at him.

“Ok if anybody's cute around here, it's you. God I want to kiss you so much right now, but this is probably not the place.”

“Well that's motivation to get out of here.” Jumping off the bench, Cara pulled Jamie by the hand and nearly sprinted to the truck. When they got there, giggling, Jamie opened her door, lifted her onto the seat, and kissed her like his life depended on it. The parking lot was basically deserted this close to closing, so the muttered “Get a room!” from a few feet away was a surprise — one that sent them into fits of giggles again. A few more giggly, breathless kisses later, he peeled himself away from her with a groan and walked around to climb into the driver’s seat.

“I guess we should go.” But he leaned over to kiss her again.

Giggling into the kiss, she hummed agreement.

“Ok ok ok, going. Driving. Now.” One more kiss and he started the truck, reaching for her hand as he turned onto the highway.

As he drove, Cara quietly watched his face. She didn't mean to stare, but she couldn't seem to look away. Occasionally, he would glance over at her and grin. About halfway to her house, he glanced over and found her asleep, face still turned toward him, hands still wrapped around his. He smiled softly and turned back to the road, fighting the urge to watch her sleep.

When he pulled into her driveway, she was still sleeping, still holding his hand, so he turned off the truck and brought his other hand up to gently cradle her face. Running his thumb along her cheek, he leaned over and pressed a soft kiss to her lips.

“Cara. Baby. You're home.”

Without opening her eyes, she smiled and reached up to pull him back to her lips for a slow, sleepy kiss, which he happily returned.

He walked her to the door and kissed her again, still sweet and gentle, but lingering.

“Good night, Beautiful.”

“Good night, Handsome. Text me when you get home, ok?”

“Ok.” Another soft kiss, and he turned back to the truck.

...

J: Home. Sleep well baby

C: :) You too. I had the best time today. :*

J: Me too. :*

[slapshotsandoneshots]

Part Nine.

Player: Tyler Seguin – Dallas Stars

Prompt:

Hope you all enjoy part nine!! 

Mentions: Jamie & Jordie Benn

Warnings: Sadness & Hospitals plus a swear word I think.

Preview: “She looks so peaceful. I hope she’s not in any pain.” a softer voice came next. “You think she can hear us?”

Characters:. 1415 words.

Find the other parts on the masterlist here.

You begin to come to, but your eyes just felt so heavy. You laid there for a few moments as you began to hear voices. You kept trying to open your eyes but it just wasn’t working. You still had no idea where you were or what happened. Everything was in such a haze.

“I can’t believe that something like this happened.” The voice mumbled.

“She looks so peaceful. I hope she’s not in any pain.” a softer voice came next. “You think she can hear us?”

“She knows we are here. How is he?”

He? Who’s He? Am I in pain? All the thoughts rushed through your mind. Suddenly everything hit you. The accident, the water, Tyler.

Your eyes suddenly fluttered open. “Tyler…” you rasped. Your mouth was dry and you could hear your voice cracking.

Jamie and Candace were by your side in seconds. “Y/N, just relax. Everything is okay.”

“Where is he?” you asked ignoring the twinge of pain you were feeling in your leg.

“Tyler is down the hall in his own room.”

“Is he okay? I want to see him.” You tried to sit up and the pain became unbearable. You looked down to see your leg bandaged and in a cast.

Jamie placed his hand on your shoulder “Y/N, you need to calm down. Focus on yourself love. You were pretty banged up.”

You could tell he was lying to you. You saw the gloss in his eyes. It was a tell-tale sign.

“Jamie what’s wrong? What aren’t you telling me” you pleaded.

“Y/N just don’t worry about it love.” Jamie tried again.

“Tell me Jamie! I need to see Tyler” You yelled trying again to get out of the bed.

Jamie held you down gently as you began to sob violently. All you wanted was someone to tell you how Tyler was. Everyone avoiding your questions made you know something terrible had happened.

You sobbed in Jamie’s arms for what seemed like forever. When you noticed the tear streaks on his cheeks you sobbed harder. You sobbed until you finally fell back asleep.

When you awoke again you eyed Jordie sitting next to your bed. “Jordie…” you started. Jordie was always honest with you, you knew he was your best shot at finding out the answers you so badly wanted.

He looked up and leaned over grabbing your hand. He knew it was coming.

“Jordie, what’s wrong with Tyler?”

Jordie took a deep breath and gave you a sympathetic look.

“He hasn’t exactly woken up yet. The doctor says there is brain activity and it’s just a matter of time till he wakes up but still everyone is on edge.”

You looked down fiddling with the IV on your arm. You glanced at your left hand, you noticed your bare ring finger. You felt the panic rush through you.

“Where’s my ring?” you choked out.

“What ring?” Jordie questioned obviously confused.

“My engagement ring. Tyler had proposed before we got on that stupid boat.”

“Oh Y/N…” Jordie pressed lying next to you bringing you into him for comfort.

“If I would have just given into him sooner, we wouldn’t be here.” You cried.

“You know Tyler wouldn’t want you thinking like this Y/N.” Jordie tried running his fingers through your hair trying to calm you down. You cried until you had nothing left falling back to sleep.

A few days later, you were released from the hospital. Tyler still hadn’t woken up and you still hadn’t seen him. You were propped up in your wheelchair. You had shattered the bone in your leg and you knew it would be a long road. But right now that was none of your concern. All you wanted to do was see your best friend.

Jamie wheeled you into Tyler’s room and your breath hitched.  You couldn’t bear to see Tyler so vulnerable. You felt responsible. He laid there still wires running every which way and a steady beating echoed the room.

You just sat there in an uncomfortable silence as you matched your breathing to the beeping of the machines.

You came in every day from that point on. Replacing flowers, talking to Tyler, reading him one of your favorite books, or just resting your head on his legs. Each day became harder as it was another day without his voice. You replayed his voicemails and videos of you both every night until you could fall asleep.

Days turned into weeks, you watched as countless people visited him. His room seemed to have a never-ending revolving door.

But today you were alone. You sat next to him running your fingers up and down his arm.

“So many people have come to see you Tyler. I have lost count. I didn’t even think you knew that many people but who am I kidding, it’s you. I even tried to convince the nurse to let me bring Marshall and Cash but she said no.” You chuckled softly.

“They keep me company though. When they do kick me out of here, I go back to your parent’s house and sleep in your bed. I sleep on your side because it smells like you still. The nurses think I’m crazy putting your cologne on you every day but I can’t let you smell like this godforsaken

 place.” You shook you head running your hands through his matted hair.

“Your beard game is pretty strong right now too, giving Jordie a run for his money Segs. They are all in the waiting room you know. At any given moment there are like 30 people in the waiting room for you. We are your family. You still have a family Segs. You still have me. You can’t leave me here babe. I can’t do it without you.”

You looked down playing with his fingers. You rested your head on his lap. You had almost fallen asleep when you felt it and suddenly you were wide awake. Tyler was looking at you confused as he moved the hair from your face.

“Tyler…” Your eyes widened as you frantically pushed the nurse button.

“Tyler, you’re awake.”

“Yeah, I am but who are you?” He questioned raspy.

Your face fell and you could feel the color draining from your face as your heart plummeted to your stomach.

After a few moments, a smirk sprawled across his face and he chuckled. You looked at him confused.

“I’m only kidding Honeybee, I would never forget you.”

“TYLER PAUL SEGUIN THAT WASN’T FUNNY!” you yelled. He just continued laughing as nurses and doctors filed in.

You sat and tried to pout but you couldn’t control your smile. You watched as doctor’s took his vitals. The doctor nodded your way saying how everything looked good and they just wanted to keep an eye on Tyler. But you couldn’t take your eyes off your best friend.

Tyler smiled your way once again after the doctor had left. It was like he had never been away at all.

He looked at you staring at him. “What? I needed a good nap.”

You chuckled and rolled your eyes. “Oh my gosh, I need to call your family.” You reached for your phone but Tyler stopped you.

“I just want a few more moments with you before this room is flooded with people.” He patted the bed next to him.

You hesitantly crawled in next to him and kissed your temple.

“Did you miss me?” he asked and he rolled his eyes.

“That’s a stupid question.”

“You know I heard you sometimes, It’s like I was here but I couldn’t open m eyes or respond. I felt so helpless. I wanted so badly to tell you it was going to be okay I could hear the hurt in your voice.”

You just nodded tearing up.

“Plus I want you to finish that book you were reading to me, I need to know more.”

You giggled. You both sat there for a few more moment reveling in one another’s company. Finally, Tyler allowed you to call his family. And he was right. His room was an endless flood of people. You didn’t mind though. Tyler was awake and was yours for the rest of your life.