#so stop throwing around “im so ocd” all the time.

[cicidraws]

not to mention finding specifically an ocd therapist is hell too. but hopefully ill find one.

[nathank77]

6/13/24

2:08 a.m

I took L Salivarius at 12:32 a.m, I mean I feel the difference. It works way better than those lozengers. I almost assuming everything continues to go well want to actually stay on it forever. Problem is cost of course. I'd like to get l reuteri.... but I can't go crazy between buying cbd, wanting to join the gym and all that.

That panic attack I experienced last night was from closing my eyes for over a hour and not falling asleep..... it brings me back to microsleep trauma. It was a long panic attack too. So I mean cbd has helped with my daily frequent random panic attacks but it didn't save me last night.

I want to buy tubs so I can do the attic. In my brain I see like 6-10 tubs stacked and organized neatly with labels. And a computer chair next to it lol and I want that so bad. I'm so done with being a hoarder but only one set of hands and a guy with ocd makes it hard. I mean I really want to turn that room into neatly stacked tubs so if I ever find a girl and move out my storage is neat and easy to move.

That stack of tubs being labeled with the computer chair is a wonderful mental image. And i want to make it real. I can't stop obsessing over trying to make everything I own nice organized piles in tubs. The idea that I could find anything I needed and have a place to put things sounds surreal. I just wish someone could help me. I mean I have like a huge pile of garbage I expect my sister to remove from the attic hands down I'm not helping, why? It's too much for one person she has a gf and she wanted me to get through the attic and I have to be the one to sort and throw out all my shit obv. She's going to do it bc she really wants me to clean that room out she's been waiting on renovations but I really wish I had tubs and another set of hands. As well as someone to say, "Nathan do you really need that?" Cecile and Colleen helped me go through my storage years ago. Christ almighty idk what I would have done without them. They helped me throw away a lot when I was much more of a hoarder.

Both of them had feelings for me... I was about to date Cecile. But that's the issue, people are only willing to help you if they want to date you.

Between the cbd, the gym, the potential of getting l salivarius every month for 25$ things are expensive... and tubs although cheap add up with my last purchase. I have to wait but my brain is on crack like let's do this and that. Let's do the mouse draw and I remind myself of anxiety and idk what to do with the deodorant or body spray. Or it's like let's get the medium boxers and Adidas shorts from the attic and I remind myself okay we could but then we got to do laundry and take a shower. Im trying to make myself relax and it's really hard.

I saw the tub my sister had saved for me in the basement and it had an used ear cleaner. I really want to buy new ones lol it's gross beggers can't be choosers.

Idk I miss the days where I didn't care about cleaning and I just sat around enjoying games without hallucinating instead of filling my time with cleaning then I wonder what if I get that nice stack of tubs and organize everything and then i have nothing left to do?

I got a lot to do but I will eventually finish it. I got a list and I'm going down it and I need some stuff to finish it but once I get the stuff I'll have nothing to do...

But yea. Idk.

[eclipseunmuted]

I shouldve realised i might have some sort of obsessive disorder sooner i feel like this was obvious to literally anyone other than me despite obsessing over everything. My one justification was "its probably not ocd obviously so its not an obsessive disorder im just silly and overthink and i dont want to use this label if i dont need it :)" cause i mainly had it noticable in the context of my love life and chocked it up to like. Romantisizing the yandere vibes or some shit and hating myself for it. Lol.

i ACTUALLY realised this probably is a disorder over an episode i had over mold in a cup the other day, it got so bad i had to stop myself from rubbing and scratching my throat raw ALL DAY because my brain kept insisting i drank my water from the mold cup. Today i couldnt get apple juice because the mold was growing in Apple juice. the cup was too similar to the mold cup so i started to freak out on a vc. The cups were literally all washed today. This is not the first time shit like this has happened. Its just a fairly funny example in retrospect because normal people just eat around the mold, or throw it away without a second thought... Me? Well I have touched moldy bread before and had to scrub my hands for damn near an hour to feel ok. Its not just with mold it just brings out the worst of the irrational part of it because it ties to like. A phobia

[yippieitsarvensart]

dont worry about the time of replies!!! we are in different timezones anyways

JDNNWBS THANK YOU ?!!?!! feel free to study me under a microscope im an interesting lil guy i think youll have a blast

oooooo yes yes i see ur vision.... the way i go with is that floyd isnt that fond of the contacts but his eyesight is so horrible that if he doesnt he bumps EVERYWHERE. jade had to put it in him the first time and hes slowwwlyyy getting used to it, but he immediately takes it off when hes in his room. floyd is very "when i put on my glasses and the walls have texture, ppl have faces & the plant have leaves" to me LOL. also side note i loooove caring azul that doesnt want to admit it so much <3

theyre girlie pops to me does this make sense. i have some hcs for their fashion too xhhshs these guys have RUINED me

would you believe me if i told you that i was already in lovw with riddle and then i did my hcs and boom. even more in love u

THIS REMINDS ME I DIDNT SAY THE RACE HCS I HAVE FOR THOSE THREE ?!?! ok so the tweels are black italians + vietnamese, while riddle is wasian (british + korean&chinese)!

OH AND I ALSO FORGOT TO SAY i hc that riddle needs glasses too :3c but she uses contacts! when hes overwhelmed he tends to isolate himself and he either tends to the hedgehos/flanmingos or tends to the garden/maze. and her meltdowns are much like her a anger fits, she just gets really really upset and wants to throw things around and behead people, hes very agressive! to calm him down you need to put him in a comfortable & familiar room, preferrably with tons of red (his favorite color), and talk to him normally about the things he likes + offer solutions to the problems until he calms down.

anyways silver > autism, narcolepsy. uses he/ him and is bissexual (no preference), but does Not get gender at all. i hc that fae's perception of gender is different than humans, and since he was raised by lilia he does not understand humans' genders. so he just goes w the flow haha. his hands are trembling slightly allll the time he cannot stop it. hes chinese + has albinism ! bc of that he gets burned pretty easily, has to eat a balanced diet and his eyesight sucks just a little, so he doesnt need any glasses or anything. yet. he has some small scars from his training, his hair is mullet-ish and very long, and he dyes it black + leaves some white strands to match w lilia. whenever he gets overwhelmed he lays flat on the grownd, belly down face on the ground, puts a blanket over himself and then just Stays There until it passes. his meltdowns are quiet he just stares off into the void and considers yanking off his ears lol. also he has some bite scars bc sebek used to bite him when he was changing his baby teeth, silver has a necklace w them!! he understands animals better than he understands ppl and he can recgonize every single species. thats his special interest btw, animals!! hes mostly a horse girlie tho <3

sebek > autism, ocd, auditory processing disorder. the reason he yells all the time is bc he cant listen very well + cant control his voice volume. he also uses he/him & is bissexual but, much like silver and bc he is a half fae, he does not get human gender. technically speaking he could be considered bigender too! i hc that in the future, he (and riddle + the tweels too) would take estrogen :3c and HE WEARS BRACES !!!! cmon crocodile teeth are kinda horrible and his dads a dentist. so. yeah. also he has some scales, but theyre so few and mostly on his arms + legs, so they are covered most of the time! hes very resistant to physical stuff, rarely feels pain and doesnt get tired easily. if he does use his magic, though, then he gets tired pretty easily, since his half human body cant keep up w the fae magic. his hair is a MESS he passes so much gel and it still sticks up a bit. hes so into the lighting motif hes COMMITED !!!! also horses just hate him for some reason. principally vorpal (riddles horse) lol. when hes overwhelmed he does push ups, runs, just trains in geneal. if its too loud he just yells SHUT THE FUCK UP and everyone is stunned so they do. he feel really bad after though djsbnds .... his special interest is malleus draconia (lol) and dragons :3c

OOOOO so cute and silly ...... ok ok i'll write something like tgat no worries :3c anything else youd like to see in the fic? i can shove smth more!!! im gonna cook. wait for me

all I could think about while readinf this was "estrogen could save them..." Like if I was bad at responding to asks that is ALL I would've said in response; but luckily I am autistic and could not bare to just leave it at that.

Jade having to help Floyd put in his contacts for the first time makes me also think that like, what if Jade has to do it every morning. Every single morning from the day they first came on land they've had to put them in for Floyd... Brotherly bonding time EHAHAHAHA But that's the only way F could get used to it, they can't do it on their own otherwise they'll mess it up or stab themself in the eye or whatever. "Having Jade do it is just easier" he says. Jade doesn't complain about it either because she'd rather have to do it for every day of their lives than have Floyd get seriously hurt because he can't see SHIT. Anyways...

Sil and Sebs having little to no connection with gender bc of being half fae/influenced by living with fae is so, so real. and true. If I'm correct, Silver is just human? And being raised by Lilia who is VERY gender in ALL sorts of ways, I think Sil may have had a few gender crisis' over the years because of it (I sure woulda), starting from a very young age. But like he's fine now he's chill with whatevevraarrrr (I LEAVE TO GO DO SOMETHING, COME BACK AND SUDDENLY NOTHING I JUST WROTE MAKES SENSE??? what is bro blabbering about. anyways.)

Overall I so so agree with all ur hcs they make so much SENSE !!!! I have nothing more to add to the rest of it you're just so correct that I can't think of anything more anything else to add to the fic errmm... uerhhmm... Well we could have maybe... *brain thinking sounds*

... I don't even remember what I said last time btu that's okay I think you should make them kiss 🔥🔥and also make up 🔥🔥 (I alr made that joke I think. I'm so unoriginal.) Uhmmm you could make riddle CRY 💧💧💧💧I don't kno w you could make them uhmm you coud uhhh *send post*

[haejjoon]

BARKBARK I LOVE TRANS HCS im not trans myself but when i see how happy they make my trans friends & my partner???? TOSSES THEM AROUND LIKE CANDY u get a trans hc! u get a trans hc! WE ALL GET TRANS HCS

also may i say. adhd/autistic phantoms ? good shit

also ur mention of how trans goro is more common than trans akiren makes me wanna pop off about infantilization in fandoms and how it ties into misogyny, trans-misogyny and nsfw content and its characterizations and just fjbvkfnb. im a social sciences major and i LOVE discussing infantilization in the context of sex and gender and disability i love that shit. anyway idk where i was going with this but tldr i love ur characterization of goro <3

OHHHHH ANON YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU JUST STARTED.....

prefacing this by saying: i have adhd. although i haven't been able to be properly diagnosed (with the things hooked up to my head etc etc) thanks to america's stunning healthcare, i am like.. 99.999999% sure i have it. my therapist, who i used to see regularly, agrees that i probably have it.

NOW. i'm sure we all know that futaba sakura our favorite gremlin girl ever exhibits some clear symptoms of autism. i don't need to get into it because there's a million and one analyses out there about her behavior, but i will say that i both love/hate how atlus depicted her. on one hand i love that the group just.. accepts her for who she is, i love that they don't try to change her, i love that they don't fall into the "ooh you're so smart though so your disability MUST be a superpower!" trap, and that they mold around her to suit her, and not the other way around.

THAT BEING SAID.....

i have SUCH a bone to pick with how they decided to go about her 'healing' arc. the phantom thieves give her a week--a WEEK--to readjust to society. and yeah i guess that while you could argue that she's just had her trauma supernaturally lobotomized out of her, it doesn't change the fact that she's... still gone through it, you know? just because she learned to stop hating herself for things out of her control doesn't mean her social anxiety disappears in a snap. she turns out alright by the end but the extremely pushy nature of the thieves to get her out of her shell ALWAYS rubbed me wrong. taking things slow and one step at a time is wonderful, and i'm glad they decided to go about that approach instead of just throwing her to the beach like they originally wanted, but they still should have taken it... slower. one week is HARDLY enough.

also, i fucking hate how they constantly talk about her while she's in the same room as them, as if she can't hear what they're saying. they said things like, "oh she's pretty normal, huh" and "she can hold a conversation just fine!" and while their behavior isn't one completely out of the ordinary for dumb teenagers to exhibit, it still really, really pisses me off that they do it wiht her in the SAME ROOM. im sure it wasn't meant to come off this way, but i always got the feeling that they attributed her 'quirkiness' to her not understanding how groups worked at all, which is why they were so open about discussing HER MENTAL HEALTH without including her in the conversation.

okay i'm done with futaba--quick hcs im throwing out there: ryuji has adhd, yusuke also has autism, mishima has autism, goro has ocd. boom bam bop, you've been hit by the 'tism beam.

PLEASE DO POP OFF ABOUT THE INFANTILISM it's honestly such a gross sight.... the amount of times ive seen goro depicted as some small, feminine twink is genuinely staggering, and it's always left such a bad taste in my mouth because i KNOW it's because his character, at least for the majority of the plot, is polite and soft spoken.

not to mention how incredibly fetishizing it feels. i won't get too into it, but the amount of shuakeshu ive seen where one is drawn/written as larger than life/confident/suave and the other is meek/skinny/easily embarrassed? ohhh my god. please. akiren isn't some smooth jerk who makes goro blush with a well-placed quip, and goro isn't a crazed yandere who shuts akiren away from the rest of the world. they're both fucking losers who don't know how to process their feelings for the other because of their very, very embarrassing rivalry. stop degrading one to fit your perfect mlm narrative.

sigh i didn't mean for this to become a social commentary or anything, but .. lo and behold... here we are. i'd love to hear your thoughts on my takes, anon, and i'd love to hear the thoughts for anyone who read thru this too! while i do have adhd/am trans i can't speak for those who fall under the autism spectrum or for cis gay men, so if you'd like to correct me in my thinking PLEASE go ahead and do so, i'd love to be educated on topics i don't fully understand. have a good one <3

[dreams-of-klag]

THOughTs on the Green brothers. (spoiler alert, these thoughts are highly positive)

been seeing posts recently about the time john green was bullied off of tumblr like its something to laugh about-- i even reblogged one of them that was talking about how tr*mp should try to join tumblr and see how it goes (which was, admittedly, funny)-- but i just want to throw it out there that john green gets a bunch of shit that he doesnt deserve and i am tired of hearing it.

So heres my incomplete list of great things John and Hank Green have done that dont mean that theyre perfect people but just mean that for FUCKS SAKE people need to lay off and actually recognize that they are good people and actually making the world a better place. 

1. in their podcast, where listeners write in with questions, they always refer to people asking the questions with gender neutral pronouns unless the person specifically expresses a gender in the text of the email. They dont talk about it, its just a thing that quietly happens.

2. Their books are fucking good

John uses his books to subvert common harmful tropes that affect the way people view women and people dealing with chronic illness. “Looking For Alaska” and “Paper Towns” are absolute refusals of the MPDG trope and absolutely condemn the main (male) characters for seeing Alaska and Margot as less than full human beings. “The Fault In Our Stars” is all about how illness in general but cancer specifically doesnt mean anything, its just a horrific thing that happens to people, and how nothing you learn from having cancer is valuable enough to be worth it, and how romanticizing illness hurts people who are dealing with it. “Turtles All The Way Down” is about OCD, about feeling like a burden on people around you, and sometimes actually being hard to be around and actually hard to deal with, but how that doesnt make you less of a person, and doesnt make you any less loved, and how “getting better” or being “cured” is not the end goal of mental illness narratives, sometimes you just need to be able to get through the day and that is OK. 

Hanks books are a trip and a half. “An Absolutely Remarkable Thing” and “A Beautifully Foolish Endeavor” are simultaneously the books that have made me the most afraid of the future, and the most hopeful for the future. I dont know how else to say it. Also. well. written. queer. women. HOLY FUCK. WELL WRITTEN QUEER WOMEN. WRITTEN BY A STRAIGHT WHITE GUY. How?? you ask??? because he fucking talked to queer women, hired sensitivity readers, and actually values the input of marginalized people and wants to represent them well. Read these books. 

3. This isnt even touching on all of the charity work that they do in which they NEVER CENTER THEMSELVES so im going to do it for them because they deserve some recognition for this. They are so generous with their time, attention, platform, and money in a way that i hope becomes more common, but damn, they are making concrete change in the world in a way that most people only talk about. and theyre DOING IT. 

4. THEIR FREE EDUCATIONAL CHANNELS. FREE EDUCATIONAL RESOURCES. FREE. EDUCATIONAL. RESOURCES. and thats not even close to all of them. They also make really great explainer videos on their main channel  about really difficult topics and they break them down into something you can understand. 

They are just earnest, silly, and interesting people who are committed to experiencing the world with curiosity and i could go on and on with the just-- fucking GOOD things both of them have done and people choose to ignore those in favor of laughing about the john green c*ck monologue and making up twitter style canceling manifestos based on not having read any of their books or having engaged with any of their content in any way and straight up garbage. I just think they deserve better than that. 

tldr: stop talking shit about the green brothers. ready for a keanu reeves style green brothers renaissance on this hellsite. 

[lioncunt]

hi! im a new fan (read the first three books a long time ago, but only invested now bc of the series!). i wanted to ask you something before i decide if I'll read the rest of them or not, if you don't mind. you said in one of your posts that rice didn't like louis anymore when she decided to keep going with tvc. do you think it affected his characterization? i read somewhere else that his character was not relevant or/and well written anymore in the last books, and I'm willing to stick with amc louis/ first books' louis if that's the case! thank you :)

hi welcome!!! yes anne admitted that she stopped liking louis after the first book because she didn’t agree with his “passivity” and “cowardice”. gonna psychoanalyze her for a second and theorize it’s because he represents pain to her because he is literally the manifestation of her grief and a link to her ocd but well what can you do. she keeps him around because lestat is in love with him and lestat is a real person to her that she talks to so u know gotta do what you gotta do! she continues to include him in most plot books (meaning non backstory related) through merrick, then again in the PL trilogy, but his role is significantly reduced and he’s mainly just there to back up lestat and be his on again off again eventually endgame romance. i haven’t read past the third book, so i’ll give my opinion of his character on just those three.

his appearances are more limited in the second and third books but i think he’s still very much in character, especially in his long scenes with lestat at the end of queen of the damned (my favorite section of the original trilogy). it’s from lestat’s pov, so unfortunately we don’t get to see his thoughts, but his actions and dialogue make me happy. there’s satisfying closure on the family dynamic and i think it’s really lovely to see him finally move on with lestat from their shared trauma.

i’m reading body thief rn but from what i know his interactions with lestat are pretty in character and fun they get into a nasty argument and lestat burns his house down lol just girly things

as far as what i’ve heard in merrick….i don’t even know it essentially ruins his and claudia’s relationship and then he’s less human at the end??? jacob’s reading it right now and if i could ask him one thing it would be his opinion of this book skdkdk i’ve heard different things but most louis fans think it’s trash so SKIP. lestat wakes up from a coma to save him from burning up in the sun though awwww

by PL trilogy again i’ve heard different things. reduced role but because he’s the Love Interest he gets to be more important than he’d been in the 2000s so slight win?

most loustat and louis fans just cherry pick their scenes and then throw away what’s too insane or poorly written to even try and perceive. every fan has a different opinion though and i’m sure i’ll have one too once i actually read these later books so i’d say to be on the safe side stick to the first three, which are all fantastic, and then if you’re like me and insane go read the rest. loustat is canon at the end of qotd and louis is in character so that’s a good stopping point for the series if you don’t want to read any more!!!

[untaemedqueen]

Room 732 (M)

Mafia!Jeongguk x Courtesan!Reader

Jeongguk brought to you by The Bird Cage

WordCount: 10k

Genre: Angst, Smut, Fluff, Strangers to Lovers!AU

Warnings: Excessive Drinking, Excessive Swearing, Guns, Jeongguk Is Haunted By His Dead Girlfriend, Character Death (Lee), Mafia!Jeongguk, Shy!Jeongguk, Possessive!Jeongguk, Dom!Jeongguk, Sub!Reader,  Jeongguk Is Riddled with Guilt, Praise, Cunnilingus, Orgasm Denial, Fellatio, Throat Fucking, Deep Throating, Begging, Jeongguk Has A Huge Dick, Daddy Kink, Did I Say Possessive? Because Jeongguk Is Possessive As Fuck, Cum Swallowing, Degradation (Cum Slut), Marking, Unprotected Sex, Squirting, Multiple Orgasms, Creampie, Begging

A/N: Can Be Read As A Stand Alone But If You’ve Read TBC. There are fun easter eggs. OKAY. ENJOY.

The mansion was silent on this Wednesday morning. Not a noise to be heard as Jeongguk pads down the right staircase of the large home. His sleep laden eyes drift to the brand new door before yawning loudly. His hand coming up to scratch at his bare tattooed chest as he makes his way through the sitting room. The perfectly white marble countertop of the island gives him a place to lean as he runs his hands through his black hair. He drank way too much yesterday with Taehyung to celebrate the birth of his new son. 

Everyone was finding love around him, starting families and here he was still a bachelor since his girlfriend Lee was murdered. He could sometimes still picture her, her black hair blowing in the breeze in the garden. Or, the way she used to wrinkle her nose at everything, a habit Guk had adopted from her. He sighs to himself before shoving off of the counter as he rounds the island to the liquor cabinet. Sometimes Lee visits him in his dreams, begging him to move on, to experience happiness like the others in his gang. But, how could he? He has this warped mind that only knows how to torture and kill. After she was gone there was no love, no yearning. He smiles, sure, at his nieces and nephews. He finds happiness in others' happiness but never his own.

Jeongguk jumps up on the counter, Johnny Walker in his right hand as Hawon runs into the kitchen. He smirks down at her before putting the bottle of alcohol behind his back. 

"Our Hawon." Her body sways as she does a little dance noticing her uncle. Jeongguk chuckles before hopping down off the island and picking her up. 

"Airplane?! Airplane, Uncle Guk!" Mirae enters not even a second later before sighing as Jeongguk throws Hawon up in the air. Her screech echoes throughout the kitchen as Jeongguk chuckles. See, this is a flint of happiness he obtains through the people around him. He can smile at the way Mirae becomes disheveled with the kids even though she has OCD and hates to be out of perfect form. He can smile at how Hawon is delighted to be with him. And yet, when he's alone the loneliness and anger gnaws at him, as if he has a constant leech on his body. Jeongguk spins around, hands grasping at Hawon's small body before putting her back on the ground. 

"Uncle Guk has to go to work. I'll see you later, hmm? We can watch that Tinkerbell movie." Hawon nods ecstatically at his promise before running out into the garden. 

"Just a ball of energy." Mirae mumbles before chasing Hawon out the kitchen door. Jeongguk smirks before grabbing the whisky and walking out of the kitchen.

The blood tainted towel falls into Guk's lap as he sits down in the wooden chair in his warehouse. The blubbering and shaking of the man in front of him makes him sigh as he kicks the chair back on its hind two legs. His feet coming to rest on the blood stained wooden table in front of him. 

"Just tell me what I want to know." His tone was not to be taken lightly as he shakes his long hair out of his face. Assessing the pained body in front of the table, he tilts his head. 

"I didn't cut your tongue out for you to talk so you'd better do so, or I'll tell my boss you bit it off instead." This is what Jeongguk was best at. Jimin's wife on many occasions has stated that she couldn't believe the cute, tattoo riddled boy in front of her was such a fierce person. But, it's what he is best at. It's all he knows and he's damn good at it. 

"You-I...Ple-Please." The voice was hoarse as if they haven't had water in days. Jeongguk taps his fingers against his leather pants before looking up at the wooden ceiling of his warehouse. 

"Not what I want to hear. I want to hear from your mouth how you got the address." All he needs is a name, that's it. 

"I have nothing else to take from you, Kyung. I took your eyes, your dick, your fingers." The man sobs hopelessly as Jeongguk looks at the blood stained bandage over the top of Kyung's head. 

"Im Junggoo." Jeongguk sighs, his hands covering his face before nodding. 

"Yeah. I was afraid you were going to say that." Jeongguk's body moves gracefully as he jumps out of the chair. He whistles to himself as he pulls his gun out from the back of his waistband. His fingers roll the silencer onto the tip of the gun before sighing as he jumps up onto the table before sitting down crossing his legs. 

"This was fun, Kyung. Let's do it again sometime." He closes one eye, aiming at Kyung's head before pulling the trigger. The body falls, twitching slightly before stilling and Jeongguk can do nothing but set down the gun on the table and watch how the blood begins to pool into the reddened dirt around him. His blood covered hands lean back behind him as he looks up at the ceiling. He was damn good at his job.

"You need to go get some relief of some kind." Jimin tells Jeongguk as he sits at his desk. Jeongguk looks over the rim of his whisky glass before furrowing his eyebrows. 

"What?" 

"Since you've stepped into this room your hands have been shaking, you have bags under your eyes and you can't stop bouncing your knee. You need to get some relief." The older man points at his knee, product of proof right in front of him that has Jeongguk rolling his eyes. 

"I'm fine." Jimin sips his coffee before leaning back in his chair, his crisp white shirt wrinkling as he does so. 

"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you." Jeongguk licks at his lips before folding his hands around the whisky glass in his lap. Jimin was the closest person to him since he was young. Jimin helped him find himself, made him who he is today and Jeongguk never takes that for granted. 

"I can't sleep. She comes to see me in my dreams." He tells his best friend as he looks down at the newly purchased Persian rug that replaced the old one after Jimin's wife killed someone in the office. 

"Lee?" Jeongguk nods to his question before downing the rest of his liquor. 

"She always tells me to move on, or be happy. Like that's such a fucking easy thing to do. Like I can't remember what her fucking body looked like when we came home." Jimin swallows thicky before looking up at the ceiling. 

"I get it. Really I do." Jeongguk's chest begins to tighten as he turns his head to look at the stained glass window. 

"It's not like I have a Kitten, like you do that magically transcends me into a different plane of existence and makes me better." Jimin takes a deep breath through his nose as he sets down his coffee. 

"Watch it. Your words are getting reckless." His eyes flicker shut, his heart beating in his ears as he sees Lee painted on the back of his eyelids. 

"I can see her. She's wearing that pink dress that I bought her for Valentine's Day. Her hair was in pretty curls. I can see her smiling at me." Jeongguk chokes on his own spit as his eyes open wide before standing up and walking over to the liquor caddy. 

"Guk." Jimin whispers as the alcohol sloshes into the crystal glass. 

"I'm fine." The lie slips right past his lips as he looks up at the portrait of all the guys behind Jimin's chair. 

"Go see one of Kitten's girls. It might help." A giggle bursts through the room as Jeongguk turns to his older brother. 

"Help? They aren't therapists. They suck cock for a living." Jimin sighs before putting his hand to his forehead. Jeongguk was stubborn, he always has been and probably always will be. 

"Then go see a therapist. You're getting out of control. I saw what you did to Kyung's body. You're lashing out." 

"I was doing my fucking job." Jimin clicks his teeth as the study door opens.

Jimin's wife stands in the doorway, one hand holding their son Minseok as the other rests comfortably on her growing belly. 

"Sorry. He wants daddy." She whispers before looking at Guk. 

"We don't cut people's eyes out." Jimin responds to Jeongguk before standing up and grabbing his son from his wife's arms. 

"I got it, Kitten." She hums before her eyes take in Jeongguk's disheveled body. 

"I was just doing my fucking job. Okay?" He looks over at Jimin's wife before raising his eyebrows as she stares at him. 

"WHAT?!" He screams to her as Jimin sighs gently.

"Jeon Jeongguk-" 

"Easy, Kitten." Jeongguk's head cocks to the side as Jimin rubs at her pregnant belly. 

"Go to a therapist, Guk. I'm not asking." The silence was palpable, eyes glancing here and there from all three people in the room before Minseok whines. How would Jeongguk even be able to process his thoughts? Let alone tell them to some quack who would just nod and ask him how he feels about it? Just give him snarky remarks before writing down a prescription for some soothing meds and telling him his hour is up. "I'd rather get my cock sucked."

Jeongguk stands in front of the Beasley Hotel. His eyes reading the same scripted letters on the facade of the expensive building for the thirteenth time before sighing. Of course, Jimin's wife immediately made an appointment with one of the girls for him. She asked Jeongguk what he liked and he didn't respond to her so she just set him up with someone new. Now, of course, all the girls that worked for her and her partner Hyunah were  incredibly capable. It takes a high standard to get into the Golden Cage. But, he couldn't bring himself to want to go through with the whole ordeal. Lee constantly springs to mind every step he takes. Could he really watch a girl get undressed, suck his dick or do anything to him without feeling guilty? He can't say he could. 

This girl would probably tell Jimin's wife he didn't go through with it and there would be hell to pay. He's getting a million dollar session for free. Jeongguk steps off the curb across the street before walking to the ritzy hotel in front of him. His hand digs into his black skinny jean pocket before producing a folded piece of paper. 

732

Jeongguk takes a deep breath through his nose. Just have to get it over with, right? He steps through the revolving door before entering the hotel. He pockets his tattooed hands as people bustle about in the hotel lobby. He receives a few strange looks, this was not the sort of grandeur hotel that usually has leather clad, tattooed men just waltzing in. His hand reaches behind him making sure to feel the comfort of his gun in his waistband before relaxing. His combat boots make a dull thudding noise against the marble flooring, the sound reverberating in his ears as he approaches the front desk. 

Orchards litter the large stone desk as he leans over it, a girl in a pants suit looks up before raising an eyebrow. 

"Can I help you?" Everything about her was dripping with disdain as Jeongguk cleared his throat. 

"Yeah, I'm here to see a guest in room 732." The front desk agent clicks her teeth before looking over his top half incredulously. This was the usual hotel for Golden Cage clients. 732 was always the room people would go to. It was common knowledge for most people in the hotel to know that a guest for 732 was going to get their rocks off. 

"Mkay." The agent mumbles before picking up the phone and pressing the numbers languidly. Her eyes never leave Jeongguk's face as he looks around the hotel lobby. This place was nice, really nice. Lee would have loved to stay here. See, this is the problem. Everything is Lee. Every waking breath he has he could equate something to his dead girlfriend, for years now. Even when he sleeps, all he sees is her. Whether that be alive, dead, dismembered, you name it he's had a dream of her doing it or being there. He pokes an orchard petal as the agent lets the girl in the room know she has a visitor. His body sways back and forth awkwardly as he looks towards the elevators. 

"You can go up." Jeongguk looks back down at the agent before nodding. "Thanks."

The hallway smells expensive, like lavender and warm vanilla. The chandeliers that hang from the ceiling exude the persona of this place and Jeongguk cannot begin to process how he came to be here. He nods his head to the Lee man who guards the door. 

"Arms up." Jeongguk clears his throat before doing as told. 

"I have a gun and two knives on me." He's courteous at least to tell him. He respects the Lees, they work quick and fast and have never given the Lions a problem. Especially since Yoongi just recently got engaged to Hyunah. The Lee man hums as he pulls the gun out from behind him. Jeongguk reaches down before pulling his knives from his boots and handing them over. 

"Have fun." He says before shoving the door open for him. Jeongguk looks into the room before clearing his throat and stepping inside.

The lights were dim upon entry, white furniture beckons him forward as he looks around the room. 

"Hello?" His voice was timid as he stepped towards the bed. The gold headboard catches his attention before turning to a noise in the bathroom. 

"Hello." There you stood, a grey satin robe covering your almost naked body as you take the tall man into your sights. Jeongguk runs his fingers through his long black hair, his eyes looking over your body before looking away as if it was inappropriate. He shifts awkwardly on one foot to the other, there was something cute about it. The tall, muscular man was seemingly nervous in your presence. You smile warmly as you walk past him, his muscles tensing as your satin robe brushes against his leather jacket. 

You sit on the bed, legs crossing as you lean back on your hands. The robe inches up, your bare thighs coming into view for his eyes as he pockets his hands. 

"You can sit. You know." Jeongguk opens his mouth before giving a small laugh. 

"Yeah." You pat the spot next to you and he slowly makes his way over. He sits on the edge, his butt barely connecting with the mattress as his shoulders tense up. He stares straight ahead at the black television screen. You lazily take in his features, big doe eyes and a perfect nose. Nice pink lips and a killer jawline grace your sight as you sit up. 

"I'm Y/N." Jeongguk turns to you before bowing his head. 

"Jeongguk." You hum to him before watching how his knee bounces in anxiousness. Why did your boss tell you to give him the plus treatment if he seems like he doesn't want to be here? 

"Drink?" You ask pointing at the liquor cabinet. Jeongguk takes his hands out of his pockets only to place them on his knees, his fingertips digging into the fabric of his jeans before nodding. 

"Sure!" He springs up before crossing the expanse of the room. 

Jeongguk takes a deep breath before opening the liquor cabinet. 

"Are you a virgin?" You ask as he pours two glasses of whisky. He chuckles, a sound that blesses your ears as you tilt your head. 

"No. I'm not a virgin." He turns back around to you, his black hair falling into his eyes as he smiles. He has a pretty smile, something about it makes you feel warm. Like nothing bad could happen when it was around. You find yourself smiling back as he hands you the glass. 

"You can take your jacket off, you know. I'm not going to immediately jump your bones, unless you're into that." He snorts, a simple exhale through his nose before shrugging off his leather jacket and throwing it onto the bed. 

"Good." You say before taking a sip of the whisky. The warm liquor soothes you, a fire producing in your belly as Jeongguk side eyes you. You were beautiful, he expected as much. Jimin's wife wasn't in the business of hiring ugly women. His gaze flickers to your bare thighs once more before looking anywhere else. You catch this within a second, and notice the discomfort he begins to feel. His body turning away from you out of instinct. 

You feel pity for him, something clearly isn't right with this situation he has been brought into. You grab at the duvet cover of the bed before throwing it over your legs. 

"Better?" You ask quietly as Jeongguk notices your movement. He looks back over at you, his doe eyes widening further. 

"I'm sorry. I must be being rude." You shake your head at his statement before giving him a smile. 

"It's okay if you don't want to do anything. I understand." He makes a noise in the back of his throat that you can't decipher before turning to you. You seemed like an understanding person. You didn't strike him as a courtesan to say the least. 

"I want to. But, I can't. My brain won't let me." He taps his index finger against his temple before taking a large gulp of the whisky. His teeth grit, neck veins fluttering as he swallows the whisky. You can sense his nervousness and it really doesn't look good on this handsome man. 

"I'll be right back." You whisper before standing up and heading for the bathroom.

"I fucked up." Jeongguk whispers before closing his eyes, he could see her. He could see Lee plain as day. She was frowning, her long black hair strewn over her shoulder as she folded her arms. Jeongguk couldn't move on, he was trapped in this miserable mindset. He wasn't even sure what it would be like to not see Lee or think of Lee at every given moment. It would probably terrify him. The bathroom door opens and you emerge in a long mocha brown sweater, black leggings shield your thighs as you smile at Guk. 

"I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to make you embarrassed or anything, I-" You cut him off with the shake of your head. 

"It's alright, you didn't offend me. Takes a lot more than that to make me offended." Jeongguk nods, his shoulders relaxing slightly as you jump on the bed. Your back connects to the gold headboard as you grab your glass. 

"Might be nice to not get fucked for once." He laughs gently before turning his body to you, the way his eyes crinkle makes your heart skip a beat. He's way too handsome. His hand pushes his hair behind his pierced ear before taking a sip of his drink. 

"You can have a drink and just chill out. Or, I can leave if you want." You suggest pointing your manicured finger at the door. Jeongguk is quick to shake his head, 

"No, no. Don't go. It's nice to just...just be able to sit and drink." He wholeheartedly means it. You felt comfortable to him. Nothing about this experience felt weird or strange which was a blessing in and of itself. Jeongguk scratches at the back of his neck and you catch the branding iron you've seen a few times before with a few clients. 

"You're a Lion." Jeongguk puts his hand down before giving you a small smile. 

"Yeah. I am. I'm one of the original seven." You hum before sitting up and putting your hand under your cheek. "I heard that you guys defile women and torture men." Jeongguk gives a carefree laugh as he fully turns to you. 

"Clearly that isn't the case. I made you go put your clothes on." You giggle before sipping the whisky and tapping your fingers to your temple. His smile doesn't fade as his warm brown eyes gaze upon your face. 

"I'm sorry your boss made you take me on as a client. I'm sure it's a waste of time." 

"You're not a waste of time. Don't say that. You're actually nice, compared to most people that enter this room." Jeongguk tilts his head before sucking air through his teeth. 

"I'll kill them if you want me to. The people that aren't nice to you." His eyes gleam with playfulness as you kick back your body before giggling. 

"Is that your way of flirting?" He takes a sip, the corners of his mouth quirked upwards as he stares at you. 

"So why are you here anyway? You said my boss made me take you on. Why?" Jeongguk clears his throat as he kicks off his combat boots before sitting cross legged on the bed. Now, he's uncomfortable. He looks past you to the pearlescent night stand as he puffs out his cheeks. 

"Because I, uh, can't function. My boss says I'm getting reckless." You hum as if you have any idea what he's talking about. After the hour you've been talking and drinking, you've kind of just assumed he's an enigma. He only answers what he wants to, he looks away at any given chance to not feel something. He seems like he doesn't want to feel. You wouldn't push him, it isn't your place. And yet, there's something about him that just makes you want to give him a hug. He seems so sad. You want to make him smile and laugh, he seems like he deserves that. 

"So they thought that you getting your dick sucked would make you better?" He laughs before looking down at his lap. 

"I think so." You sigh before sitting up and putting your hand on his knee. He stiffens, his eyes look up at you before relaxing his muscles. 

"Don't worry. I'm here to talk to you, if you want. I know my main job is to spread my legs for people but I'm a good listener." Jeongguk is quick to defend your honor to yourself. 

"Don't say that. Your main job is irrelevant to me. I'm happy I could sit here and just bullshit with you for hours. I feel kinda better than before." Your smile brings one to his own face. 

"Good. I'm glad." A knock comes at the door and you both turn your heads to the noise. 

"Time." You hear through the door and you sigh before standing up. 

"That's my cue." Jeongguk opens his mouth before nodding. For the first time in forever, he wants more time. He mentally chides himself, he spent so much time looking away and not answering that he didn't even get a real chance to speak with you. He regrets that. 

"Jeongguk. Hopefully I'll see you around." You say as you grab your bag from the bathroom. 

"Me too! Thanks, Y/N." You give him that warm smile he's suddenly become fond of before leaving the room. The Lee man enters before handing Jeongguk his weaponry and bowing his head. Jeongguk lays down on the bed before closing his eyes. Lee was like a faded print behind his eyelids.

"How was she?" Jimin asks as they sit down for the meeting. Jeongguk smirks before putting his gun on the table. 

"Really nice." Jimin raises an eyebrow before folding his arms. 

"How do you know she's really nice if she had her mouth on your cock?" Jeongguk scoffs before matching his best friend's actions with folding his own arms. 

"Don't talk about her like that. She didn't need to suck my cock for me to know she's nice." Jimin's expression softens at Jeongguk's murmur. 

"Did you dream of Lee last night?" His question is point blank as the others file into the room. 

"Briefly." She had come and gone, Jeongguk for the first time in a long time didn't wake up drenched in sweat. He didn't feel compelled to tell Jimin every single detail of last night but there was one sentence that had Jimin bursting at the seams to know more. "I'd like to see her again."

Jeongguk walks down the hotel hallway, his gun and knives already in hand before handing them to the Lee man standing at the door. 

"Enjoy." Jeongguk has come to know the Lee man as Junkwon, he was nice and always escorted you. Junkwon opens the door, the lights are dim yet again. 

"Hey." Jeongguk sounds breathless as you sit in the chair by the large window, your body covered in just a beige lace bra with matching panties. You look up before covering your legs with a gasp. 

"Jeongguk! They didn't tell me it was you. I'm sorry." You say quickly grabbing your robe. Jeongguk has become really fond of this, fond of how considerate you are. How comfortable you make him feel when you're around just being yourself. 

"Don't worry." He says as you stand up. His eyes drink you in, your skin looking soft as butter in the dim lighting. 

"Let me go change." Jeongguk hums to you before licking his lips. He wasn't nervous or afraid to look at you, he didn't hate himself for it. Because, it was you. You rush off to the bathroom as Jeongguk walks over to the liquor cabinet. His eyes flutter closed and for once his eyelids were just black. No Lee. No smile. No frown. Nothing. He stumbles backwards as he gasps before his eyes open wide. 

"Lee?" He calls gently before closing his eyes again. There was nothing. And, this is what he was most afraid of. His tattooed hand grasps the wooden counter of the bar before choking on his own spit. 

"Jeongguk? You okay?" You ask as his legs shake. 

"She-I...I don't-'' He shuts his eyes once more before a ball begins to form in his throat, it's form ever expanding as his knuckles turn white from clasping the table so hard. 

"She left me." He whispers before opening his eyes and looking at you. 

"Hey." You whisper calmly to him, your feet taking ginger steps towards him as he whimpers. 

"She left me!" There was a small sob before a large one. His innocent eyes glossing over with tears as he grabs at his black t-shirt above his heart. 

"Jeongguk. Sit down." You say putting your hand on his arm gently. He rips his arm away from your grasp before faltering as he knocks the whisky bottle onto the floor. 

"Hey!" The concern in your voice reaches his ears as he falls into the seat you were previously sat in. His eyes were like a wild animals, flitting here and there while trying to grasp onto a thought. 

"Jeongguk. Do you need me to call my boss?" Jeongguk gasps as he leans back in his seat. 

"Don't! Don't do that." You could see his hairline beginning to sweat as you crouch down in front of him. 

"I think you're having a panic attack. Just take a deep breath. In through your nose and out through your mouth." You've had a few panic attacks in your time. It wasn't always cushy like it is now to work in this industry. 

Jeongguk takes a deep breath, his body visibly shaking as he stares down at you. 

“Just focus on something, let your mind begin to process.” You whisper running your thumb comfortingly over his bare knee through the cuts in his jeans. Jeongguk groans as he feels dizziness encumbering his mind, but he couldn’t close his eyes for fear that she wouldn’t be there. His eyes fall to your hand on his knee, he focuses on how soothing your thumb feels. How soft and delicate the touch you’re giving him is. You give him a small smile, eyebrows still knit with concern as he looks back up at you. 

“What color is my shirt?” You ask him quietly before pulling at the fabric. 

“Purple.” He whispers before taking a deep breath into his lungs as if his body was finally allowing him to breathe again. 

“Good.” Then there was silence for a while besides Guk’s heavy breathing. That was alright with you, as long as he felt better. He has only come three times before this and each time he came things were slowly becoming more relaxing. 

You would talk for long hours, sipping on whatever alcohol you decided on at the start of the session. You would laugh with each other, listen to how Jeongguk’s day went. You told him things you enjoy too like the beach and going to the seaside to fish with your dad. He told you about his nieces and nephews last time and it warmed your heart to see him smiling so widely when he talked about them. He was always happy talking about others but never about himself, you noticed. He never mentioned women or anything of that nature and that was okay with you too. Everything was very relaxing when you were with each other, like nothing else even mattered outside of this hotel room. Jeongguk flexes his fingers realizing they were numb only seconds ago. 

“I-I’m sorry.” He mumbles before putting his hands over his face, his palms becoming drenched in sweat as he leans back into the chair. 

“Nothing to apologize for.” His fast beating heart begins to slow as he lets out an exhale. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” You ask gently before standing up. Jeongguk looks up at you as he moves his hands away before clearing his throat. 

“Sit on my lap.” He whispers and you gasp gently. 

“What?” He’s never asked something like this before. 

“Sit on me.” You look at him hesitantly before slowly sitting down on his thick thighs. His strong arms wrap around your figure, his arms interlocking with each other as he lets out a slow breath. You sit still, eyeing him wearily as he looks up at you nervously. 

“Okay.” He mumbles before slowly closing his eyes. The back of his eyelids were still black. He sighs deflated before letting you go. 

“You can get up.” You stand up off of him before tilting your head. 

“I have to go.” He whispers before standing, his eyes don’t look towards you again as he rushes to the door. “Jeongguk!” He was gone.

He had you sit on him to see if Lee would come back, but she didn’t that night. He went to sleep without a single dream. His unconscious mind reveling in the back wasteland of dreamspace. But, she did come back when he was black out drunk. He would have conversations with her as he lay sloped up against the wall of his room. 

“Don’t fucking l-look at me like that, babe.” He slurs to Lee as she sits in the chair across from his bed. 

“Koo, you have to let me go.” Jeongguk laughs loudly, the whisky in the bottle he holds sloshes around as he shakes. 

“Let you go?! You left me!” Lee sits silently, hands on her knees as her black hair falls in rivets over her shoulder. 

“I didn’t choose to leave you.” Jeongguk scoffs before gulping down the alcohol. 

“I’m not talking about when you fucking died, baby. I’m talking about when I went to see Y/N.” Lee’s lips press into a hard line as she leans back in the armchair. 

“Because you don’t need me when Y/N is there. She can take good care of you.” 

“YOU’RE FUCKING DEAD! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT KNOWING WHAT I NEED?!” Jeongguk’s voice is a sharp, loud cry as he widens his drunken eyes at his dead girlfriend. He scoffs before holding the liquor bottle close to his body as he folds his legs underneath him. There was a quick knock at his door before the door went flying open. 

“What’re you screaming about at three o’clock in the morning?” Hoseok asks his younger brother before noticing just how drunk Jeongguk is. The way his body is slumped over against his headboard, black hair in his eyes so he could barely see. 

“Guk.” Hoseok mutters before stepping inside and shutting the door so as to not disturb anyone. Jeongguk didn’t realize he was crying until now, tears rolled off his jawline before leaving dark wet spots on his light grey sweatpants. Hoseok takes a seat where Lee was just sitting before looking at the drunk younger man. 

“She fucking left me. Y’know? I go see Y/N, what, four fucking times and Lee just abandons me.” Hoseok gives a gentle sigh before running his hands through his hair. 

“Maybe she left you because that’s healthy and you need healthiness.” Jeongguk laughs before taking another swig of whisky. 

“That’s what she said.” He mumbles, his tone warped with pain as he slams his head into the iron bed frame. Hoseok leans forward before grabbing the bottle of liquor and putting it on the floor. 

“This isn’t healthy. You’re a mess. If it helped you so much to see Y/N, you should go back and see her.” You probably hate him after seeing him at his weakest. 

“No. I don’t want to see her again.” He was afraid, afraid to be at such peace with you. Afraid to be able to smile.

Jeongguk sits at the meeting table. His feet up on the table as Jimin’s wife slaps him upside the head. 

“Just bought the table, feet down.” She mumbles before pulling on her cigarette. He mutters an apology her way as the rest of the guys enter the metal room. Namjoon enters with a cheery smile, his dimples deep as he pulls his gun out before presenting it on the table. 

“Oh! Jaebeom went to go see Y/N, thanks for the suggestion.” Jeongguk takes a deep breath before taking his feel off the table and staring at the t.v. screen above him. 

“She’s pretty, no?” Jimin’s wife asks as Jeongguk’s knee begins to bounce. 

“That’s what he says. He also says, she has a nice mouth for sucking cock.” 

“Stop it.” Jeongguk mumbles loud enough for Namjoon to hear drawing his attention to the younger member. Was this jealousy burning through his veins at a quick pace? He wasn’t even sure what the emotion was that filled him, but anger accompanied it. If it wasn’t for the black tattoos on his neck, it would surely be beet red. 

“You went to see her too, right Guk?! Man, I’m fucking telling you, Jae says those tits she has-” Jeongguk pulls his gun out of the back of his pants before aiming it at his older brother. 

“I said stop. Don’t fucking talk about her!” 

“WHOA!” Jimin yells upon entering as Namjoon holds his hands up, backing his chair up into the corner of the room. 

“Don’t fucking go tell anyone to see her! Tell him don’t look at her! Don’t touch her! Don’t you dare!” Jeongguk yells as he cocks the gun. 

“Easy, Guk. Easy.” Jimin whispers before stepping in front of Jeongguk’s gun. 

“Just because it’s her job doesn’t mean she likes it. When she was younger, she wanted to be a painter but no one would accept her into their colleges. Do you know that? She likes to go to the beach to feel the sand between her toes because it keeps her grounded. And, you have the fucking audacity to talk about her fucking dick sucking skills?! She isn’t someone you can easily talk about like this! She’s a fucking person! With feelings! She was there for me when I had a fucking panic attack. She took care of me. Don’t fucking talk about her!” Jimin slowly waves his hands as Jeongguk begins to foam at the sides of his mouth. 

“Alright. Jaebeom or anyone else here won’t go and see her. You have my word. Put the gun down.” Jimin was being gentle with him, Jeongguk recognizes his tone of voice as his wife rubs at Guk’s upper back. Jeongguk uncocks the gun before clearing his throat and leaving the room without another word. 

Jeongguk stares at the bloody dirt of his warehouse, for once his warehouse was empty. It was dead quiet, you could hear a pin drop. He had left the mansion for a few days, just sleeping in the back of his car while he stayed out here. His mind was fucking him over, this much was certain. He left you in that hotel room and he felt guilty about it. He also felt guilty about feeling the need to have Lee around him when she wasn’t even on this plane of existence anymore. More than anything, he can’t help but think about your smile. How warm it is, how comforting it feels to have his eyes on you smiling widely. He remembers how soft your skin looks, how he would have been okay with you staying in that little amount of clothing before his panic attack. He remembers how soothing your thumb was on his skin. Jeongguk sighs before looking up at the wooden rafters of the ceiling. 

“Koo.” His breathing stops as he closes his eyes. 

“Lee.” 

“Why don’t you go and see her?” Jeongguk’s eyes begin to burn, he sniffles before pulling up his black hood and looking at his dead girlfriend. 

“I can’t.” A broken sob rips through his chest as he hangs his head low. 

“She probably misses you, you can’t be locked up in your own head anymore. I’m gone.” Jeongguk wails loudly putting his hands over his face. 

“I know. I’m just so afraid for you to leave.” 

“I’ll always be with you, in your heart. In your memories. But, it’s time to move on. You like her, I know you do. It’s okay to like someone else that isn’t me, Koo.” He scoffs as he pulls down his sleeves to make sweater paws. His sleeves meet his eyes as he sobs. 

“She probably fucking hates me. I left her there all alone.” 

“Look at me.” Jeongguk timidly lifts his head, his hands pushing his hair out of the way as he sniffles. Lee was in front of the table looking down at him.

“You deserve to be happy, Koo. You deserve to smile. You deserve to feel no awkwardness or fear.” He whimpers at Lee’s words as his bottom lip quivers. 

“Go and be happy. She makes you feel better.” 

“What am I going to do without you?” He asks, his voice cracking as he holds his arms out to her. 

“You’re going to smile.”  In an instant, she was gone. Lee’s form fades away in a sudden breeze that chills Jeongguk to the bone. He shivers before closing his eyes and swallowing. She wasn’t there either. 

“Lee?!” No answer but the sounds of birds chirping outside the warehouse. Jeongguk buries his face in his lap before taking a deep breath. Lee left him, after all these years. She just disappeared, to prove that Jeongguk didn’t need her anymore. He didn’t need to depend on her when you were around. He smiled and laughed, he felt relief. Felt at home. He clears his throat before pulling out his almost dead cell phone from his back pocket. He scrolls through his contacts before putting his forehead to the lip of the table as the phone rings. “Jina. Is Y/N working?”

Jeongguk steps out of the elevator on the seventh floor before looking down at Junkwon. 

“She’s with someone.” He tells Jeongguk as he walks towards 732. 

“Open the door.” His voice is brisk as he stares at the three gold numbers that hang on the door. He could hear moaning inside the room before cracking his neck. 

“I can’t Jeongguk, I’m sorry.” Jeongguk sighs before pulling out his wallet and pulling out a few hundred bucks. 

“Go away.” 

“You can’t just-” Jeongguk shoves the money into Junkwon’s semi-open hand before pulling out his gun. 

“Go away.” Junkwon counts the money before sighing and walking down the hallway. 

“Don’t hurt her.” Junkwon calls to Guk as he rings for the elevator. 

“Never.” Jeongguk shoves the door open. He takes you into his sights, you were on your knees jerking off some random guy. You looked bored and unamused before looking over and gasping. Jeongguk points his gun to the guy. 

“Get out.” “Jeongguk!” Jeongguk walks over, cocking his gun before grabbing your robe and throwing it at you. 

“You heard me? Get out.” The man scoffs before standing up and pulling up his boxers. 

“Hey man! I paid a lot of money for this!” You haphazardly put the robe on before stepping away from your client. 

“Jina will pay you back. Get out. I’m asking nicely.” You look up at Jeongguk, his black hair is fixed behind his ears. His domineering persona was something you’ve never seen before and you can’t say it didn’t intrigue you as you lean against the wooden table. 

“Okay! Okay! I’m going. Shit.” Jeongguk watches as the man fumbles to get his pants up from around his ankles. His eyebrow raises as the guy looks at you before stepping in front of your small figure. 

“Don’t fucking look at her. Get out. Now.” The man grabs his dress shirt before running out the hotel room door and slamming it behind him. Jeongguk uncocks his gun before putting it in the back of his pants. 

“Hi?” You say before sitting down on the edge of the bed. 

“Hi.” Jeongguk whispers before sitting down next to you. You sigh before looking at him out of the corner of your eye, taking in the way his black hoodie was two times too big for him. It was endearing. 

“Feel better?” You ask quietly as Jeongguk closes his eyes. 

“I do now.” You hum playfully before laying back on the bed. 

“That was hot.” You tell him as he turns towards you. He snorts before laying down beside you. 

“What was hot?” 

“Defending my honor like I don’t do this for a living.” Jeongguk chuckles openly before turning on his side to look at you. His warm brown eyes bore into yours before fingering at the white duvet cover. 

“I’m sorry I left that day.” How could you hold a grudge against him when he looks like this. His big doe eyes gazing into yours only shows how guilty he actually feels about it. 

“Wanna talk about it?” 

“Yes, I do.” His answer surprises you, he normally says no or looks away quite quickly. 

“Oh! Okay! Let me put some clothes on!” You go to sit up and Jeongguk’s arm cages you down onto the bed. 

“No, stay.” You take a deep inhale before turning on your side to face him. “Alright.”

Jeongguk gives you a small smile, the corners of his mouth quirk up as he stares at you. 

“You’re very beautiful.” Your cheeks heat up pink at his compliment, he's always looked at you like you were pretty but he's never said a thing before. 

"Thank you. You too." Jeongguk chuckles before laying his head down on the pillow. He clears his throat before taking off his sweater and throwing it elsewhere. His white tank top reveals all of his tattoos up to his chest and you can't help but look at the tasteful designs he has printed on himself. They look great on his honey colored skin. 

"I don't want to keep running away from you anymore. I like you. I just have some...undealt with issues." He takes some time before completing his sentence but you stay quiet as if to tell him to keep going if he chooses to do so. 

"Do you like me?" He asks, tilting his head into the pillow. 

"I do." You tell him honestly, making him smile. 

"Okay, good." You giggle at his beaming smile before he looks off past you. 

"Don't get...I don't know weirded out when I tell you my story." You nod to him before putting your arm under the pillow getting comfortable. He was different now, he was uncertain, sure. But, he was nervous or anxious to look at you. He wasn't fidgety and making himself uncomfortable, he was just him. And, it's really nice to see that. 

"Years ago I had a girlfriend-" Jeongguk clears his throat before sitting up suddenly, "-her name was Lee. I loved her, a lot. She was the first person I fell in love with. Um…" He looks down at his legs as he rubs his hands over his sweatpants. You put your hand on his knee before sitting up, your head tilts to the side as you watch him struggle to swallow. 

"Fuck. Fuck! Sorry." You shake your head as he takes a deep breath. 

"So, yeah, I loved her and she lived in the house I live in with my crew. One day I came home and called out for her and she wasn't answering me. Me and my boss, Jimin, he's been my best friend since we were younger. We ran upstairs and there were little drops of blood on the floor." You close your eyes as Jeongguk clears his throat again before squinting. 

"She was dead. In our room. Another gang had killed her and did stuff to her body." You put your hand over your mouth as he struggles to go on. 

"That was a long time ago, but she stayed with me. Like, a ghost. I would see her every night in my dreams and when I closed my eyes. She was always there. And, it started to get out of hand. I was drinking a lot and I was very angry. Guilty. I was so guilty. Y'know? What if I got home just ten minutes or twenty minutes before I did. What would have happened? It ate me alive, then I would see her and feel this fucking weight pushing down my goddamn chest every second of the fucking day. Everyone around me was getting married and falling in love and I was stuck in this sick little fucking sand glass that kept flipping over when the last piece of sand was about to fall." Jeongguk sighs loudly before looking at you, his hand grabs your wrist before pulling it away from your eyes. 

"But, then. I met you. And, I really liked you because you made me feel comfortable and I didn't feel like this anxious wreck anymore. But, I got scared because before you Lee was painted on the back of my eyelids every second of the day. After I met you she started to fade. Then she left me completely, that was the day I had the panic attack. I felt frightened because she wasn't with me anymore and I-I was so used to it that it made me terrified. I felt guilty that I pushed her away or something. But, I felt even more guilty that I might have pushed you away. That I fucked up my chance for you to like me when I left you that day. Lee was a big part of me that left because you made me feel safe. You make me feel comfortable. And I-I really l-like you. I want to get to know you and not have to feel guilty or worried anymore. I just want to be able to be myself and smile again. You make me smile." 

Jeongguk presses his lips together after he's done talking and he notices how glossy your eyes have become during his talk. You nod to him before giving him a small smile. You lean forward before enveloping him in a hug, he feels his body relax and he didn't even know that he was tense. His arms snake around you before hugging you back. You could feel how fast his heart is beating through his chest as he holds you tightly. 

"You make me smile, too." Warmth starts to seep through him, starting at his heart and spreading through his limbs as he holds you close. Jeongguk pulls back before brushing some stray wisps of hair behind your ear. 

"I'm going to kiss you." You nod at his chivalry before closing your eyes. He takes this moment to look over your features, how soft and angelic you look in this lighting. He thumbs his finger over your bottom lip before leaning in and kissing you slowly.

His kiss was soft and sensual. A small jolt of electricity runs through you as he places one hand to the back of your neck. You would never have assumed this drop dead handsome man could kiss like this. His tongue licks over your bottom lip and it produces a fire in your belly. 

A gasp emits from you, mouth opening as your nerve endings tingle. Jeongguk takes the opportunity to slip his tongue into your mouth. His tongue, tasting and caressing every inch of you before mingling your tongue with him. His hand pulls you closer, his instinct to have you close makes you mewl as you grab onto his tattooed arms. He pulls away, only to take large breaths to fill his lungs before diving back in. His hands find your hips before flipping you onto him. 

His back hits the mattress with a thud as you lean down to smother him with more kisses. His large hands trail downward. The feel of satin wraps him in a cloud of pure pleasure as his hands come to rest on your ass cheeks. He groans into your mouth and the sound is so intoxicating that you feel your core seeping with liquid pleasure. 

"You're so fucking gorgeous." He whispers as you kiss down his neck, your teeth gently biting at his smooth skin. Jeongguk's hips buck upwards as his eyes close. Behind his eyes all he can see is you, the image of you above him is a welcome sight photographed onto the back of his lids. You tug at his shirt and it brings him back to reality as he opens his eyes. He sits up only to tug off the white article of clothing. Your eyes marvel at his tattooed chest, the way the planes of his eight pack highlight each tattoo perfectly. Jeongguk grabs at the robe belt before pulling it undone. He takes a sharp inhale of breath before looking up at your eyes. 

"Are you sure?" You ask quickly, his blown out pupils shake as he chuckles. "Kiss me, baby." 

You can do nothing but oblige as his hands begin to trail over your bare thighs. His fingertips knead at your skin as he sits up. You wrap your legs around his waist before feeling how hard he is underneath you. A gentle mewl leaves your lips as he kisses down your neck with heated fervor. 

"Feel how hard my cock is for you?" Your arms wrap around his neck as your head lolls back. Jeongguk playfully nips at your bust line before groaning as you thrust your hips to his. 

"I'm going to cum in my pants if you keep doing that." 

"You feel so hard." Jeongguk smiles against your skin before kissing at your cheek. 

"All for you, baby." This was serious whiplash. You could never have expected this. Jeongguk flips you over with ease, his thick thighs pining you underneath him as his lips lazily traipse down your chest. 

His hand snakes underneath you before taking a moment to unhook your bra. It was clumsy but he was determined to do it with one hand. 

"It's been a while." His admission makes you giggle as he finally unhooks your bra. Jeongguk groans as he throws your bra onto the floor. Your nipples become stiff at his longing stare. 

"Fuck." His warm lips envelope one, his tongue flicking at the sensitive skin as you whimper out his name. Something possessive flits across his gaze as he stares up at you. His fingers trail your thighs before swiping up your soaked panties. You could feel how they stick to you, almost embarrassing soaked. 

"Say that again, baby. Say my name again." He rubs your clit through your underwear. The silken fabric feels amazing against your sensitive nub as you moan out. 

"Jeongguk." He hums before bending down and pecking your lips. 

"That's right. That's who you belong to now. And, I don't share." Is he telling you to quit your job? You don't have much time to dwell on it, though as his fingers hook into the sides of your panties before peeling them off of you. The cool air of the room berates your sodden cunt as your skin produces goosebumps. 

"Look how wet you are, baby. Soaked." His voice is that of wonder as he spreads your legs wide. His tongue licks at his lips as if he's seen a feast in a great banquet. 

"Please." You whimper as he bows his body down. 

"What do you want?" His lips kiss at your pubic bone, teasingly slow kisses litter your skin and upper thighs as he intertwines both of your hands locking them to your sides. 

"I want you to touch me." Jeongguk looks up at you, his black hair beginning to stick to his forehead as he smirks. 

"Want me to touch you like everyone else that comes in this room? You think you deserve it, baby?" You wiggle your hips, trying to thrust them towards him. 

Your cunt was aching, a dull pounding reverberates through your lower half as you bite your bottom lip. "Your pussy is soaked and I haven't even started. What does that say about you?" You gasp as he kisses your clit. 

"Jaebeom was in this room not too long ago. You remember him? He touched your pretty little pussy I bet. You think you deserve my touch?" Jeongguk gives a flat swipe with his tongue to your pussy, your body sags into the bed as he pulls away. 

"Fuck, you taste good." 

"I'll be good! Please!" Jeongguk chuckles before suckling at your pussy lips. 

"Please, Daddy." His tongue gives two quick licks to your clit before blowing on your pussy. Your cunt quivers and throbs as the ache begins to drive you insane. 

"Please, Daddy! Please!" Your hands are squeezing his so tightly, he wonders where you get the strength from for it. "Good girl." 

His lips suckle at your clit, his teeth rake gently against the sensitive nub as you moan loudly for him. He hums in agreement as you lift your hips to buck up into him wanting to feel more. He lets your hands go only to push your hips back down into the bed. 

"You taste fucking good, baby girl." He relishes in how fucked out you look already and he hasn't even made you cum yet. He was good at this sort of thing, this sexual torture. He revels in it. 

"Fuck!" Jeongguk smirks before teasing your entrance. His finger slowly enters you as your head falls back. 

"Nuh uh. Watch me. Watch me eat your pussy so well." You whimper, fingers gripping at his black hair as he curls his finger inside of you. 

"Jeongguk!" He likes when you call his name so he takes pity on you and adds a second finger. Your walls begin to flutter, your orgasm approaching at a high speed. 

"I-I'm gonna cum!" He pulls away as you whine out. 

"Tell me what you're mine and that you won't share and I'll let you cum." 

"What?!" You pull at his head but he doesn't budge. 

"Tell Daddy that you're his and his only." He enters his two fingers into you again. Slowly pumping them in as your clit throbs. 

"Daddy, please! I w-want to cum!" Jeongguk hums before spitting on your pussy. 

"That's not what I want to hear." You keen for him as he soothes your clit with a gentle suckle. 

"I'm yours, Daddy! Yours only." Jeongguk sits up before looking at you with passive eyes.

"Yeah, you are and you better remember that, baby girl." You moan loudly as he begins to flick quickly at your clit. His fingers fucking into you so fast it almost knocks the wind out of your lungs. His fingers curl, finding that one spot inside of you that has you melting into the bed. Your orgasm comes back and full throttle as you whinge. 

"Daddy, please! I'm going to cum." Jeongguk moans as he feels your walls coax him. 

"Cum for me." As if he has given you the right to do so, you orgasm for him. Your eyes fill with spots as your thigh tremble with pleasure. 

"Good girl." He pulls away from your clit, his fingers slowing as you come down from your high. You looked gloriously fucked out before him, thighs and cunt still twitching as you lick at your swollen, kissed lips. He pulls his fingers out of you and you mewl at the loss before lifting your head. "We aren't done here. I'll fill your needy cunt, baby girl. Don't worry about that." 

Jeongguk stands up tall, his hands pulling down his sweatpants as you sit up on your elbows. His cock springs out, slapping his stomach and smearing it with precum that seems to be oozing like a never ending waterfall. His tip was an angry red as he strokes at his long length. Okay, you knew he was hard before but this, this is impressive. He had the length and the girth that has your mouth watering as you look up at him through your lashes. He chuckles at your surprise before sitting up on the bed, back resting against the headboard. His hand lazily strokes his cock before tilting his head at you. 

"Come suck on Daddy's cock." You're quick to scramble in front of him, your body falling between his open legs as he stares down at you. He nods his head simply before letting his cock go. 

"No hands." He says as you go to grasp him. You lean down, swirling your tongue around the tip earning a sigh from him as he grasps your hair into a makeshift ponytail. 

"Suck Daddy's cock better than you did Namjoon hyungs." With pleasure. You swirl your tongue around the base before bobbing your head up and down with quick movements. 

"Oh fuck." Jeongguk's teeth clench as he watches your cheeks hollow out. You gag on his cock, spittle and tears streaming down your face as you look up at him. 

"That's a good girl. Choking on my big cock like some cum slut." You whimper against him, his eyes falling between your legs as your arousal and cum drip down your thighs. 

"This is the only cock you'll be sucking so you better take good care of it." You moan against him and Jeongguk's eyes flutter shut. You gag on him once more and he taps at your throat. 

"Take it in." You whimper quietly before relaxing your throat for him. Wanting to do nothing but please him as he looks back down at you. You nestle your nose against his bare pubic bone earnings a hum from Guk. 

"Good girl, baby." He tugs at your hair gently, testing the waters only to be rewarded with a whine. 

"Mmm. Fuck. You like that? Like being pulled like a little fucking rag doll? Hmm?" He pulls harder and you moan against him, the reverberation has his cock thrusting gently into your throat. 

"You're so fucking pretty choking on my cock like this." He pulls your head up, before pushing it back down on his member. His toes curling in pleasure as he groans. 

He does this a few more times gently before beginning to thrust into your throat. "Fuck! That's it! Take this cock baby girl. No one else gets to fuck this throat but Daddy. You hear me?" You moan for him as his cock begins to throb. 

"I'm going to cum down your throat and you're going to swallow and show me that you're a good little girl that can follow instructions." You grab at his thighs as he puts his hand around your throat, squeezing gentle as he feels his cock pumping in and out of you. That's all he needs before he's groaning loudly. 

"Oh Y/N, shit! I'm cumming!" The way he moans your name has you fueled with desire, you greedily guzzle his cum as he streams ropes down your throat. 

"Fuck, baby! Fuck." Jeongguk gasps, his head lolling back as he eases up on your head. You pull off of him before showing him your empty mouth. He hums before wrinkling his nose and leaning up to kiss you. 

"Good." He lays you down before twirling his finger. "Get going." 

You flip over, face down and ass up as Jeongguk slaps your ass. "Who do you belong to?" You moan as he soothes the rub, "You, Daddy." Jeongguk kisses down your back before spanking you again.

"That's right. Good girl." You whimper as his slaps get stronger. 

"You let Namjoon hyung cum in your pussy?" His question sounds rhetorical but you answer him anyway. 

"No Daddy, everyone uses condoms." Jeongguk hums at the information before running his cock through your soaked lips. You moan gently burying your face on the mattress. 

"Does Daddy have to use a condom? Is baby girl on birth control?" 

"Yes, Daddy. I want you to fill me, show me I'm yours." Jeongguk takes a sharp breath between his teeth before smiling. 

"Aren't you just a perfect little girl, hmm?" You smile at his praise before rubbing your pussy on his cock. Jeongguk groans before stilling your hips.

“Be good, don’t make me punish you. I just became your boyfriend, don’t make me scare you off.” You laugh at his comment and he chuckles in response before bending over you and kissing you softly. He prods the weeping head of his cock to your entrance before slowly pushing in.

Your mouth opens with a groan as he stretches you, “Thank Daddy for his big cock.” You whimper as Jeongguk buries himself to the hilt. Your cunt begins to accommodate the intrusion by relaxing on him. 

“Thank you Daddy.” He moans gently, his fingers gripping at your hips so hard you know you’ll bruise by tomorrow morning. But, fuck if it doesn’t feel good. He pulls out, his eyes marveling at how sodden his cock has become with your arousal before thrusting back in slowly. 

“Fuck, you’re so wet on Daddy’s cock. Jesus Fucking Christ.” You moan loudly, your fingers gripping at the white sheets as you spread your knees wider wanting more. Jeongguk thrusts harder, his power would send you up the bed if he didn’t have such a tight grasp on you. 

“So tight on me, baby girl. Like your pussy was made for me.” Your eyes roll back as he begins to bulldoze inside of you. Your thighs quake at the pleasure as Jeongguk wraps his hand around the back of your neck pulling your body back onto his cock. 

“Fuck, you feel so good. Such a cum hungry slut.” You moan loudly, as he picks your body up to press flush against his chest. His fingers toy with your nipples, plucking and rolling the stiff peaks between his fingertips as he suckles harshly on your neck. He paints your neck with pretty red and pink patches before burying his forehead in the crook of your neck. 

“Mine. All mine.” 

“Yes, Daddy! Yours! Fuck! Your cock feels so good!” This angle is perfect for your pleasure as the bulbous head of his cock brushes against your g-spot. 

“Yeah? Shit, you feel good on Daddy’s cock, baby girl. Daddy’s gonna cum in your little pussy and claim what’s his.”  His words goad you on to your next orgasm as his fingers open your pussy lips before rubbing at your soaked clit. You sob loudly, head lolling back on his shoulder as he clasps his arm around your waist holding you in place as he fucks you to his liking. 

“Such a pretty little thing getting fucked right open. You’re going to take my cum nice and deep. Hmm? Walk around with my cum running down your legs so everyone knows who you belong to?” You grip at his hair as you feel your second orgasm approaching. 

“Yes. Fuck! Yes! I want people to see you drip down my legs.” Jeongguk lets out an almost inhuman groan as he kisses across your jawline. Your pussy begins to flutter around him, the action making his cock throb. 

“Daddy, gonna cum. Can I?” Jeongguk could fucking die right now and he’d be pleased. 

“Cum on my cock baby. You deserve it.” You moan loudly, ears ringing as you orgasm. Your cum coats the bed and Jeongguk can only choke on a moan as he looks down. 

“Fuck, you’re so hot. Christ.” Your cunt begins to milk him in the aftershock of your orgasm, Jeongguk’s grip on you tightens as he moans. 

“I’m cumming. Fuck. Take it like a good girl. Take it deep.” He gasps loudly before stilling inside of you, his warm seed filling you as he gives a few more short thrusts before gripping you tightly and falling onto the bed.

You giggle before closing your eyes as he kisses the back of your head. “Turn and smile for me.” You raise an eyebrow before turning with a genuine smile. 

“I love that. You’re so beautiful when you smile.” He wrinkles his nose once more before kissing you gently. His teeth gently nipping at your bottom lip lovingly before sighing. Jeongguk pulls out of you before looking down at the mess your pussy makes as his cum floods out. 

“Fuck, look at that.” He murmurs before smirking. You lay on your back, eyes taking in his tattoo riddled body before smiling. Who knew the nervous man you met a while ago would turn into this. Jeongguk stands with a before hearing feet outside the door. He’s quick to grab his gun from the floor and cock it at the door as you raise an eyebrow. 

“Who?!” Jeongguk yells walking over to the liquor cabinet, his eyes still trained on the door. 

“Junkwon.” 

“Fuck off.” Jeongguk calls back before uncocking his gun and putting it on the wooden table. 

“You’re kinda hot Jeon Jeongguk.” You tell him as you sit up against the headboard. He gives a whole hearted laugh, his back muscles tensing and releasing as he pours two glasses of whisky. 

“You’re kinda hot too, baby.” He turns back to you, eyes glued to your cum laden pussy before pointing at you. 

“I meant what I said. You’re mine. No one else's.” You sigh gently before closing your legs. 

“This is my job.” Jeongguk clicks his teeth before walking the expanse of the floor and handing you the whisky glass. 

“We’ll find you something else to do. Jimin’s wife was supposed to be a maid and look where she is now. She can teach you how to be a vixen like she is.” Jeongguk presses his lips to your temple before pulling your naked body to his. You ponder this for a second, you had told him before you never wanted to do this but it paid well. And, you trust him enough to not lead you down the wrong path. “Alright.”

You stand with Jeongguk in his bedroom, his eyes flitting to the green dress he bought Lee that many years ago on the day she was murdered. 

"You don't have to do this, you know. I understand." You whisper to your fiance as you hug his broad back. His hand rubs comforting strokes at your arms around his waist before turning to you. 

"Yes, I do. I've moved on. I'm happy. We've been together for two years. It's time for this to go." You look over at the dress before looking up into his doe eyes. Although one is black and bruised from a fight he got into not long ago because someone looked at you too sexually they still had this innocent look to them. A look that melts your heart as he opens up your bedroom door. He holds his hand out and you take it without a second thought. He leads you down the hallway and down the staircase as you both pass Jimin's wife. 

"What're you doing?" She asks, raising an eyebrow as Jeongguk balls up the green dress. 

"Tying up loose ends." She hums in confusion before shrugging. 

"Have fun, meeting in thirty minutes. Y/N, I expect you to be there." 

"Yes ma'am!" You call back to her as Jeongguk continues to pull you. 

Jeongguk wraps his arm around your waist as you walk out into the garden. Your feet feel the green blades of grass underfoot as you walk out to the firepit behind the row of rose bushes. Jeongguk looks up at the orange sky before sighing. 

"Baby-" He throws the dress into the pit without another word before grabbing a book of matches from his pants pocket. He lights a match before throwing it into the fire pit and looking at you. 

"I love you, baby girl." 

"I love you, too." He sits down on the stone bench before patting his thighs. You sit on him sideways, your arms wrapping around his neck as he leans his cheek against your breast. He watches the green fabric blacken as it scorches to nothingness. He was finally happy, he was finally safe within the confines of someone's heart and he couldn't ask for anything more. He rocks you gently as you run your fingers through his hair. Lee never came back to visit him. Not in his dreams or anywhere else. But, he didn't need her to, he found his own happiness.

[hufflautia]

AA I WANNA KINDA THROW UP. i just went through all my notifications for the last few months in which i was gone and void and just gone like my dad. one thing that i realized that was kind of a shocker was that i like to abandon things before they can abandon me, or just do dumb shit and disappear before i get disappointed.

a beautiful example was when i had ordered two cute dresses and they finally came in the mail and as i was trying one on, i ddint rlly bother looking around it for a zipper besides the back of it, i rlly just shoved that shit over my legs and tried to pull it up and when that didnt work i pulled it over my head and somehow got it on and when i tried to take it off, for the life of me i couldnt and thats when i noticed a zipper in the side.

:/

i know, i have worms for brains. and after i realized, one: im dumb, but also two: theres a likelihood tht i decided not to look for the zipper bc i automatically assumed after i saw no zipper on the back that there wasnt one instead of searching for one bc if i couldnt find one, then i would get worried and disappointed. so i just went straight into it and tried to wear it without using one.

as i was looking through all the notifications, i just felt so immensely sad. maybe bcim listening to intense piano music bc the thought of going through all the notifications made me rlly anxious. bc then i would have to see all the likes and reblogs and comments and be reminded that there are actually people who care and like my work and im an old fart who disappeared for months. and i feel ultra bad bc of that ask i got of the person who was like pls i need closure areu working on the series or not : ( the email connected to this blog is one i no longer use so i didnt get the notification that i got an ask and UGH. the ask was back in december and now its jan and i feel so bad.

yall know how much i struggled with my writing and all the likes and reblog and just the lack of feedback i receive and how i was disappointed. so i think i have reached the reasoning behind my disappearance: disappear bc they disappoint you again. just like my dad when he would consistently disappoint me and i wsant in control of the situation, i could not make him come back home but im in control ofmy own actions so i leave before i can get disappointed again, try to fit on the dress without the disappointment that there was no zipper.

but as i was going through all the notifications i realzied that i am actually loved to some extent. sure, some of my fics dont do so well in my eyes, but others do. i remember feeling sad when chapter 5 part 1 didnt get much feedback but here i am, four months after it posted, and theres 102 notes and thats good enough for me.

i feel so sad, like alone here. my stupid fucking ocd forced me to go throuhg my entire feed every single day on tumblr and it was so exhausting. but i thankfully came out of that by not doing it, and it felt okay again. i was ok. but then i kinda lost touch with tumblr after? like i miss the people i used to see on my feed and i wonder where they are. i wonder where you all are. theres probably gonna be like two or three people reading this, and imt hankful. i hope ur ok.

i feel so weird on this blog. theres so much shit that happened, like with the ocd and then the stalker friend and then the whole thing with feedback. i have a very mixed feeling. sometimes i tell myself im never going back bc the validation will never be enough. but other times i want to write, not even for the feedback but because i like my writing, i like crafting it and thinking of ways to perfect it and make it nice.

i remember the days when i did incorrect quotes and i remember stopping them bc my anxiety was getting to be too much, and thats when i kinda disconnected with tumblr bc then my follower and like count slowed. i think i wanna start it again bc it was fun but its like, where are the people i used to see? people who i follow either stopped posting or idk where they are. i feel sad, like everyone is leaaving tumblr and im reminiscing on what this used to be. this used to be my whoel life and thats HELLA dramatic, no it wasnt, but i remember how excited i felt whenever i logged on tumblr, all the asks i got, etc. its sad when u lose touch with something u would've given everything for. but im not forgetting the new people who i come across, who are still here. its sad and beautiful. maybe things will get better when i post incorrect quotes again and connect with more people. bc this is connecting, in a way. like hey this post is funny. it reminds me that people are there and im not in a void.

thank u if u got this far, thank u for not leaving me in the void of loneliness. :(.

i think that before, when i was semi-notreally-active last year, i was kinda sad. like still dealing with a lot of stuff. ugh work, i remember when i had work in the summer and i was SO fucking exhausted all the time and didnt have the energy to write or just do literally anything. that shit was horrible. but now im actually happy. like im genuinely happy at college, its fun and wonderful and freeing. and im happy. i hope it makes u feel a tad bit better to know that while i was gone, i was happy.

so now idk whats next. i started planning out chapter 5 part 2 today. i hope people will be there to read it. xoxo i love you .

[nepenthendline]

Mental Health Headcannons - Tsukishima, Kageyama, Ushijima, Tendou & Bokuto

All these are from my knowledge and based off of each character’s actions haikyuu, this is all my opinion so feel free to discuss other thoughts! I’m happy to talk about each more in depth if anyone would like it :) this is just me projecting my own problems on fictional characters

You can also message me if you wanna talk about these too!!

This is going to be long

TW: Mental health, learning difficulties, eating disorders, self-harm

Tsukishima - Depression, Anxiety & OCD

Tbh someone else (I’ve been trying to find their username to tag them but I can’t find it, they’re called something like theguessmonta but idk) has amazing posts about Tsukishima and his mental health which I totally agree with all of it so some of this is going to be pretty similar

I think his mental health problems started when he was quite young, around the time when the Akiteru drama happened so he’s been dealing with these for a while

Having depression can often make a person seem very disinterested/sarcastic/negative as a way of pushing back emotions and self-protection which explains a lot of the way Tsukishima acts towards some people (I have a whole post on how he isn’t just some asshole)

His anxiety stems from a place of terrible self-esteem and self-image, it’s clear to see he has a bad sense of self-worth when he talks about how people are obviously a lot better than him, he’s just there to ‘stop trouble happening’

Tsukki suffers from panic attacks quite regularly (especially when he was a bit younger) but he tends to shut himself off then they happen, he doesn’t want anyone else to see him like that

His anxiety and overthinking is often why he keeps his headphones on him at all times, listening to music helps drown out the sounds around him and those in his head

His OCD got worse over time - first it was things like turning the light switch on and off repeatedly until it felt right, or tapping on his desk before he went to bed, but as his anxiety and self-esteem got worse it developed into him needing himself to be perfect

This included only eating a certain amount of calories a day (no where near the amount he should be eating) or getting a very specific grade on an exam, where even one number over or under set him into a panic

Things got to their worst for Tsukki around the age of 13 - this is where he was much too underweight and self-harming on his hips (so no one else could see)

Probably also thought about suicide a couple times around this point

He has tried a couple different types of anti-depressants in the past, however none have seemed to help

He likes a lot of time alone - he gets too overwhelmed dealing with other people

The only person besides his family and Yamaguchi that knows about his OCD is Kageyama - they both noticed each others odd, repetitive habits until Kageyama asked him about it one day, while they don’t get along too well, they feel some comfort in each other understanding their actions

Kageyama - Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

wow what a smooth segue 

this boy is like a walking definition of ASD - coming from a person with ASD

Kageyama was diagnosed with Type 1/High-functioning Autism when he was very young (probably around 3-5 years old)

He struggles with social interaction, knowing what to say to people and most importantly, how to say it, e.g. when he smiles people often think he looks angry

Kageyama has never had many, if any, friends before Karasuno, as he has often struggled with conversation and speaking in an inappropriate tone that may make some people uncomfortable or even scared

He isn’t very good when it comes to remembering academic studies but if it relates to his fixations (volleyball) he is extremely intelligent - this is seen clearly when Daichi shows their team hand gestures and Kageyama says he remembered them in a day

Kageyama uses masking a lot - it’s a technique people with ASD tend to do which involves copying other peoples actions in order to understand social situations, he does this many times in the anime/manga such as his awkward BBQ song dance, or high-fives

He visited a social worker once a week while he was little until he started middle school, resulting in his behaviours getting worse

Towards the end of his first year at Karasuno he went back to therapies regularly and has anger-management training in order to help him express himself in a manageable way - he probably won’t admit it but it helps a lot (key note is that having anger-management training often does not have anything to do with anger, simply just managing emotions in general but it often a great type of therapy for those with ASD although he is a bit of an angry boi sometimes)

ASD comes with repetitive, almost OCD-like tendencies - two examples include filing his nails every single day and having a very specific routine before going to bed that consists of drinking milk, putting on pjs, laying in bed and throwing + catching a ball, brushing his teeth and going to bed on his left side - if he doesn’t do these things at the right times/in the right order, he gets extremely anxious and agitated

It is important to remember people with ASD tend to also have another mental health issue, such as anxiety or depression

Ushijima - Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

autism buds with kageyama

I kid thats probably a bad idea

Ushijima was also diagnosed with Type 1/High-Functioning Autism when he was 5

Unfortunately due to the stigma around Autism, his family (besides his father) were not very accepting of this and he was put into therapy at a young age

While this was actually helpful for him, his family insisted his therapies should ‘cure’ him and were dismissive of the many times a doctor told them that ASD is not a curable disorder

Outside of therapy he does not receive much support from his family, except his father who got him a pair of noise-cancelling headphones he used to wear until he 8 whenever they went out together - he was only allowed to wear them if it was just him and his father, the rest of his family thought it made it too obvious there was ‘something wrong with the child’

Extending on this, Ushijima was very sensitive to sensory input as a child, and while he still is, it has become easier to manager as he has gotten older

His ASD is most prevalent in his lack of understand ways of communication, such as sarcasm or jokes, and tends to take things very literally 

@simp4satori and I came to the conclusion that if you were to call him daddy during sex, or ask him to ‘punish you’ the poor boy would have NO CLUE - would probably call your dad and tell him you needed to speak to him, or say you can’t watch anime for a week lol 

He is extremely direct when he talks, to the point where it comes across rude or hurtful but he doesn’t realise this until someone mentions it

Tendou probably helps him rephrase things from time-to-time in order for him to get his point across

He gets very anxious when faced with things he doesn’t know about or understand (this is mentioned by Tendou in the manga), this can include people, going to new places or trying new foods

It is important to remember people with ASD tend to also have another mental health issue, such as anxiety or depression

Tendou - Depression and Anxiety (also a highly sensitive person - that’s not a mental health disorder or illness but it does affect him)

Tendou’s mental health suffered from a young age due to bullying in school

This caused a lot of low self-esteem and low mood, and he was later on diagnosed with depression and anxiety

Only his family, Ushijima and his coach know about this, and even then, only his family know any details

No one would really expect Tendou to deal with such mental health issues as he always keeps a bubbly, happy persona around others - he doesn’t want people to think he is weak or cowardly

It is also hard for others to see and he is someone with high-highs and low-lows, so when he is happy or excited his emotions are quite extreme

Tendou’s anxiety relates a lot to his image, mainly his appearance and the way he acts, but he is also a general over thinker

He doesn’t have panic attacks as often as Tsukishima does, however they do happen occasionally when things just get too much

He often thinks that people are staring at him, or talking about him whenever he goes out, and he tends to hid this by seeming overly cocky or sardonic

When his depression hits, he tends to just feel sad or hopeless instead of numb, which tends to trigger his anxiety too

Tendou used to self-harm often around his hips/thighs however he hasn’t done so since the end of his first year of high-school 

Probably makes a lot of dark ‘jokes’, especially around suicide and people semi are like ‘...dude...you ok?’ and he’s just like ‘hahaha yeah im fine what’

He doesn’t like alone time too much as he tends to get trapped in his own thoughts

As expected of the guess monster, he is extremely good at reading and understanding people, which is how he finds it easier to help and communicate with Ushijima

Bokuto - ADHD

A lot of people at Fukurodani think Bokuto is just stupid, however he actually has ADHD

He was diagnosed a lot later than the rest at 12 years old

Bokuto tends to struggle with his studies as his attention-span is very low and can get distracted easily - either by things in the classroom or his own thoughts

He’s very forgetful, often forgetting his lunch at home or forgetting to do/bring in his homework, and this goes into volleyball too where he forgets how to do certain moves

Taking exams are the worst for Bokuto, he hates having to be still and quiet for such a long time and is very sensitive to little sounds or movements that distract his attention - you’ll often find his bouncing his leg or fiddling with his pen

He tends to butt into conversations or interrupt people when they are talking, he just gets a bit too enthusiastic to share his thoughts

He has extreme mood-swings too which we see often in the anime, especially when he is stressed or someone mentions his behaviours

Is very reckless - Akaashi has probably had to stop him from leaning too far out the window and almost falling to look something

The whole Fukurodani volleyball team are aware of his ADHD and do their best to help him and make him feel comfortable or accepted

They are the only people allowed to call him stupid - they will fight anyone else

I think there are more characters with mental health illnesses or disorders, such and Yamaguchi, Yachi, Kenma and Asahi having anxiety so I might write more at some point!

[hoplessdreamer9796]

BTS 8th Member - Your Friends

Best Friends: Kim Hanbin (B.I from Ikon. (Pretend he’s still in Ikon and YG didn’t snake one of their best artists.) Your mothers are best friends and so when you moved to Korea, he was the only person you knew so you clung to each other. He was also one of your best friends through high school. He is your best friend and you both have always been there for each other. The both of you tried alcohol for the first time together, which you stole from his father’s liquor cabinet. Were there for each other’s first relationships and first heartbreaks. You were there for his parents’ divorce at 12 (I made this up idk if it’s true). You ditched classes and went to go sit on the roof of your apartment building to talk about your futures together. His aspirations for music and yours to live peacefully. In your friendship group he is the grandfather that clings to his youth. He hates any physical activities other than mountain hiking but loves going on nights out. You both even got matching tattoos as soon as it was legal, and it will be explained later. “You can’t push me away Y/N! So, get angry, scream and shout but I’m not going anywhere! I’m your best friend that shit doesn’t work on me!”) Park Shinhye (Despite your age difference you two are best friends, you consider each other sisters. Grew close because you both work in the entertainment industry but both don’t have girls around you, you by being in BTS and her by being an actress so when you both met at an award show soon after BTS debuted you clicked. You both were there for each other threw everything. She’s one of your best friends and you often have movie nights when you’re both free. She cried for you when BTS won a daesang for the first time, that moment went viral. BTS walked off the stage, and were still visible by fans but near backstage, and you two ran at each other like dramatic losers as she was crying more than you were and you were both shouting at each other to stop crying while continuing to hug. Fans love that moment and your friendship. She often states that you are her best friend both in this industry and in life. “I never really thought it was possible to connect to someone like that. But I honestly think that in another life we were sisters.”) Min Sooah (Best friend from high school is your secretary, for now, and is one of your pillars. You would not be able to function without her. There’s an ongoing joke that she is basically your mother, you worry her to no end. She is very grateful to you. After her father broke his hip and was not able to continue working, she had to drop out of university to go to work. You gave her the job as your secretary despite her not being qualified. You needed someone you trusted, and you knew she would work hard. Now she is one of the most important people in your company. She is the Dad of the group always complaining about how “I gave up my youth to look after you brats and none of you have time to spend with me? Okay I see how it is. Daehyun this is your influence on them!”) Ok Hwayoung (Best friend from high school now she is your personal shopper. After university she became a personal shopper, and you thanked the sky’s because she chooses all of your clothes to pack when traveling or when you have formal business meetings. You like buying clothes but you hate the process of shopping and trying things on, so you tell her what pieces you want, and she’ll get it. She also organises your wardrobe ‘cause she’s OCD like that. She also is a hopeless romantic and is constantly trying to talk you and Hangyeol into giving up your partying lifestyle because, “How are we supposed to have a group wedding if you don’t let yourselves find the ones you idiots?!”) Lee Hangyeol (Best friend from high school he owns a mechanics and auto repair shop and he is the only one you trust with you cars. He is also the only one of your best friends who encourages you attitude towards your love life as he is also not into committed relationships. You're both each other’s wingmen. You guys are basically the epitome of lads’ lads when around each other. You’re the loud, annoying people in a bar gassing each other up to chug your drinks down. Whenever one wants to go on a night out the other is always down. “Who needs a relationship? Tequila is just as good. Gives me a fun night and then when the fun wears off it give me a headache and regrets. That’s basically a relationship.”) Tae Daehyun (Best friend from high school he works as a pd on tv shows mainly running man. He was also on the track team back in high school. The two of you often go out on runs together. After seeing what the industry is like behind the camera, he worries a lot for you. Especially since he knows no matter how crappy you feel you’d rather down the nearest bottle of alcohol than talk about it. So, he always tries to let you know if you need to talk, he’s there. Also hates how much you and Hangyeol drink and always tries to make sure you guys eat a proper meal before going out and drinking. He’s also the one in your friend group who can be bothered to cook, he got so offended when he found out you hired a personal chef but then he tasted her food and is okay with it. He’s the Mum of the group. “What the hell is wrong with you all? You can’t throw a knife at the apple on his his head! Are you crazy? See this is what I have to deal with Sooah. But if you weren’t so busy working, you’d know that!”) Ryeo Chungae (Best friend from high school and she works on the public relations for your company. When she first joined your company, she always felt like she got the job because she’s your friend, but you wouldn’t have given her the job if you didn’t think she could do it. She went through a hard time when her boyfriend cheated on her with her old boss. Instead of being scared of falling in love again she wants love. Trying to convince you and Hangyeol that it’s is amazing when secretly she is glad that you won’t be able to get hurt. She is a pushover in all aspects of life except for work. When it comes to work, she is a force to be reckoned with. So instead of staying at her old job with her boss she resigned after making a scene about the boss sleeping with her boyfriend which got said boss fired. When she is with all of your friends, she is also very outspoken and opinionated. However, when it comes to people she isn’t comfortable with her anxiety acts up. You and all your friends are protective of her in situations where her anxiety gets bad. Her ideal life is a Hallmark movie. “One day I’m gunna meet the man of my dreams. He’s gunna be tall and handsome and most importantly he’ll take me away from all of you dumbass motherfuckers.”) Hak Daeho (Best friend from high school he works at Songsun’s shop as and is in charge of customising cars. He is the one that never wants to go out and always wants to stay home. He prefers a night in with his friends than at some stupid club where Y/N and Hangyeol ditch a half hour after arriving, most of the time. He doesn’t have the best relationship with his family after they found out he didn’t want to become a lawyer like his parents and siblings. His parents kicked him out and cut him off. Y/N payed for his college tuition even though he protested, you just said it was a loan and that he can pay you back someday. However, after he had been able to save up to pay you back you told him to shut up and buy a damn apartment which is what he did. Thanking the universes for his friends. He stayed in an apartment with Hwayoung, Daehyun and Chungae during college and no matter how many times he couldn’t pay rent his friends always had his back. It also helped that every time you visited you stocked the fridge and freezer. He thinks of you all as family more than he does of his own family. “You guys are a bunch of fucking idiots. Like you’re my family but damn you guys are stupid.”) Park Soomi (Best friend from high school. She is the most subscribed to female Korean youtuber with 11 million subscribers. She is also and ambassador for Jeonsa cosmetics although at first, she didn’t want to be as she felt like it would be using her friendship with you to her advantage. However, after you convinced her to accept, she did. You also knew that you could trust her since she has always been honest with you and never expects anything from you. You also knew that she would be advantageous for your company so it’s not like you’re just giving her money your promoting your company through her brand. After you explained this she reluctantly agreed. She is the loud, chaotic crackhead of the group. Constantly doing dumb shit. “Hey guys my pineapple was being difficult long story short we no longer have a microwave.”) Im Kyungmin (Best friend from high school, he is a part of Soul & Bones, a hip-hop and house dance crew. When you were younger all of your friends would go to his contests. Everything you learned about dancing you learned from watching that crew. You always loved the way their dancing looked and the atmosphere they created. But you were realistic with your situation knowing you’d never get to dance. When Bang pd wanted you to be a trainee you were hesitant, but he practically dragged you to that audition. And during trainee days he helped you with your dancing. He says your better than him now, but you know you’re not. Soon after you became a billionaire Soul & Bones were set to end. Their investor pulled out and most dance crews are under entertainment companies unlike soul & Bones. Kyungmin was devastated, Soul & Bones was his whole life. So, when you decided to fund it he was conflicted. On one hand he was thankful and on the other hand he was guilty. But after you told him what the crew meant to you, how you were also friends with everyone else in the crew and couldn’t let it end when you could do something about it he was on board. You however made it clear you don’t own Soul & Bones you just pay for things. Now it is considered the best hip-hop dance crew in Korea and one of the best in the world. He is the one in your group who seems high most of the time but isn’t. “I think that pizza is thinking shit about me... I’m gunna eat it not ‘cause I want to but because it needs to die!”) Close Friends: Mark Tuan (You met at a BTS and Got7 collaboration for and you both clicked immediately because you were both from western countries, you were both raised in similar cultures so you had become close friends easily. It is also less lonely when you both miss your home countries if you’re around each other. It was surprising because your personalities are the opposite, but you bring him out of his shell. Whenever you guys meet you always speak in English and it’s a relief for both of you since it is your first language no matter how long you’re in Korea. You both also relate on how different your home countries’ standards are compared to Korea in terms of public image, behaviour and many other things. It’s very easy to be your true selves around each other. ) Choi Youngjae (You guys are the same age so you clicked easily. Even though you’re closer to Mark you’re still close to Youngjae. The guy is literal sunshine it hard not to like him. There is also a group of idols born in 1996 who he is a part of.) BTS and Got7 are both close to each other so you are friendly with all the members. But you are the closest with Mark. Woo Jiho (Zico. You both met when BTS and Block B did a collaboration at mama. Namjoon and him knew each other but they weren’t that close, so it was unexpected when you and he hit it off. You are both close friends and hang out when you can. He often asks for your opinion with his music and the two of you once spent an entire night just messing around in the studio. He says that you are one of the only people to get him to take a break, when he’s in work mode, and to have some fun. Clubbing isn’t really his scene so you and Jaemin often have to beg him to go out drinking with you guys. He used to have feelings for you but after some time in the friendzone he realised he is okay with you not having feelings for him as long as you are in his life. No one knows about the feelings he had for you.) Lee Jaemin (A YouTuber who has 7 million subscribers. The two of you met through Jiho and got along very well because you both like alcohol and clubbing. However, he maintains a clean public image, so your company is fine with you being seen in public together. Your members aren’t very fond of him since the time he showed up at the dorm drunk looking for you and threw up in a plant. They think he is a bad influence, but you know what he was going through and know he’s a good person. He feels like he can be himself around you without feeling judged. Yoongi really hates him and the friendship you two have.) Kang Yujin (She is an Instagram model who has 18 million followers and 2 million subscribers on YouTube. She met you and Jiho through Jaemin. However, once the public found out about your friendship many thought she was using you in order to work with Jeonsa cosmetics. But you knew this wasn’t true. Yujin was the kind of person to drive to McDonald's for you at three in the morning when you had a nightmare about your father and wouldn’t tell her what it was about. The kind of person to kill spiders for you even though she’s scared of bugs too. And due to the public’s reaction, she was scared you would end up thinking the same of her. You told her how you knew what kind of person she was and in order to make a statement to the public you both posted a photo together on her Instagram announcing her endorsing your company. She is a very close friend and an older sister figure to you.) You, Zico, Jaemin and Yujin often go bowling together or go out to eat and are also drinking buddies you are very close to them. The four of you are often spotted in public together. Kang Seungyoon (You both met through Hanbin and both of your personalities go very well together. Musically you both also mesh very well together. You both also often play pool together and he gets triggered at how he’s played longer but you kick his ass at it. Whenever you both have the time you go out for food and drinks and spend all nigh playing pool and all night, he complains that you’re a cheater and he won’t stand for it. He’s a very good friend.) Kim Jisoo (You met her first, soon after they debuted, in the bathroom. The two of you clicked and then you met the rest of the group through her. It was easy to become friends with them due to BTS and Blackpink both being at the top of K-pop, so you were a lot more understanding of each other’s situations. She is a very close friend of yours and is an older sister figure to you. She always gets excited when you send her the new launches of Jeonsa cosmetics and does vlives talking about it.) Kim Jennie (Despite Jennie being introverted you charmed her during your first conversation. She found it very easy to talk to you despite being slightly nervous and you were her sunbae. She was surprised how easy it was to talk to you. You are a people person, and she is not so like most other extroverts she’s met she thought you would clash but surprisingly your personalities match very well. You bring out the fun in her.) Lalisa Manobal (Lisa. She looks up to you a lot in terms of your dancing. She is very clingy towards you when you meet, and you love her crackhead energy. You learnt to speak Thai early after BTS’ debut, this made Lisa feel like she could connect to you on a deeper level. You have also helped her with the racist side of K-pop, her being Thai and you being half Arabic you’re both no stranger to how harsh netizens are. As you have been going through it for longer than her you are able to comfort her (kind of because you’re emotionally stupid but you try and push that aside for your friend).) Park Chaeyoung (Rose. She was also born in a western country so when she met you it helped her feel less homesick. You both often talk about childhood TV shows together and relate to each other when people talk about Korean things from their childhood that you have no idea about. Even though you’re from different places it’s nice having someone who understands the difficulties of moving from western culture to eastern.) Kwon Jiyong (Gdragon. You guys met backstage at an award show when BTS and Bigbang met. The groups are casual with each other, but you and he became very close especially because you’re friends with many YG artists. You also both like to party a lot and often go out together. He views you as a very close friend and is often nagging at you to eat and rest properly You try and hang out whenever you both have time.) Matthew Kim (BM. You two met during an inkigayo. He got lost and was swearing in English. So, you approached him and asked in English if he was okay. You helped him find his way back to his dressing room. He knew who you were and that you were British as BTS was well known then. However, he was expecting you to be arrogant and was pleasantly surprised with how nice you were. You and he got along well as you have similar personalities. Both extroverted. The two of you also quickly found out about your shared love of partying and clubbing and now you often go out together.) Peniel Shin, Ashley Choi, Amber Liu, Stephanie Young Hwang (These are some of your other western born K-pop friends.) Red velvet (You are good friends with the group mainly Joy as you are the same age. You, them and Blackpink try to go out together when you can. Irene is also very protective over you and sees you like a little sister.) Park Chanyeol (You have very similar attitudes you were good acquaintances but then you both worked together on the Goblin ost (Pretend it was you instead of Punch p.s I love that song so fucking much.) He always tries convincing you to let him drive your cars and you always say no. He’s a very fun person and you guys have a good laugh together.) You’re friendly with the rest of the Exo members but the closest to Chanyeol. Your best friends are: Hanbin, Shinhye, and all of your friends from high school. However, you are still close with the rest of your friends.

[bornadreamer]

My watch dogs 2 headcanons

Sitara:

 Aro/Ace (not just because she wears the flag colors lol)

Dedsec is a big queerplatonic relationship for her. She loves all the guys so much and would kill for them, but as soon as someone mentions her fucking one she kinda just *vomit emoji*

Hyper protective of kids. After the mission with her niece she dedicates at least 10 hours a week to developing software to protect kids on the internet/root out pedos

Hardcore listens to nature noises while she paints/sketches

Fantastic at calling people out on their bullshit. She does NOT let the guys get away with anything demeaning/sexist, even by accident. To their credit, they always apologize and try to do better

Loves weird/facey tea flavors. One time she brought back a bbq boba tea and everyone else gagged. 

Knows everyone’s triggers and actively purges them from Dedsec feeds before the others can see

Crazy wine aunt vibes. Will care for you when sick, but will roast you for how you acted like a baby after.

When she gets panic attacks, she needs weighted blankets. Like, enough to break a few ribs. Wrench sat on her once. It actually helped. 

Loves She-ra. Hacked the studio to watch the eps being made and yelled at the screen like a banshee the whole time. The boys were very afraid.

Horatio:

Actual only straight person in the group. The butt of so, so many jokes.

He, like Marcus, LOVES fashion. While he can’t wear what he wants all the time due to his undercover persona, he buys fashion mags like nobody’s business. Can name his ten favorite designers off the top of his head. 

A little bit very OCD, though you can’t tell by looking at him. Ratio is very anal about what goes where. Everyone knows not to go near his station in the hackerspace. 

One time Wrench knocked over his desk (nearly destroying his rig) and Ratio’s stuff went flying. Wrench almost had a guilt meltdown. Luckily, Sitara had a picture and they managed to put everything back almost exactly. Almost.

Stress cleans. When his undercover stuff is really getting to him, he’ll kick everyone out of the hackerspace and just. Clean. For hours. When they’re allowed back in you could eat off the floor.

Since he can’t be around all the time, he gets little gifts for everyone and leaves them at their stations to show that he’s thinking about them.

Wrench:

We been knew that the boy is suicidal, but he’s manic-depressive bipolar as well (also not shocking)

ADHD

Self medicated with every kind of drug out there.

Marcus and Josh eventually beat him down enough to take Meds That Are Actually Helpful. Sitara mediates. It was A Process. 

All of his fingers are broken from one thing or another, it made him really self conscious when he Marcus and Josh started dating. He didn’t like holding hands because he felt his were ugly. 

Texts solely through emojis like fucking hieroglyphs. Half the time nobody knows what he’s saying. He has no intention to stop. It drives everyone nuts.

Likes to be the middle spoon, with Marcus as the big and Josh as the little

DO NOT let him consume more than three cups of coffee. He will not sleep for days. 

The first few weeks of sleeping with Josh and Marcus he doesn’t take his mask off. He’s terrified. Finally, they manage to get im comfortable enough to do so and his boyfriends have a great time kissing every inch of his face. He laugh-cried from relief. 

He and Marcus have terrible hacker movie night. They watch cheesy hacker moves and laugh at how bad everything is.

Squishy toys help relax him when he’s having a bad manic episode or an anxiety attack.

Josh:

Also hardcore ADHD

Somewhere on the autism spectrum as well. 

Marcus’s first gift to him as his boyfriend was a chewy necklace, since he needs his hands to hack. It actually helped more than he thought it would.

Most of the time he totally forgets he has it, though

Unironically enjoys black and white television. He’ll have I Love Lucy running for audio while he’s working. Sometimes he even turns on the blind narration.

Horatio and Marcus switch off on making him blind narration eps. They have a ball with it.

Lists. Lists. Lists. This boy has a timed checklist for almost every day. His phone will ping and won’t stop until he Does The Thing. When he’s really in the zone and doesn’t hear it everyone at Dedsec kind of wants to kill him.

Sometimes Marcus and Wrench need to tag team who coaxes him into the shower and who does his laundry while he’s distracted because this boy is a fucking disaster. They both fucking hate his green hoodie. 

Must Hack. There is nothing else But The Hack.

Will crack if you say enough bad puns. It’s really the only humor he can get behind

When he does his happy stim (flappy hands) everyone at Dedsec just does from cuteness overload

Loves slow, lazy kissing in the morning or right before bed. It’s the only time his brain slows down enough to really enjoy it before he goes into work mode

Marcus:

He and Ratio have the deepest discussions about fashion. They both lose their minds at John Boyega and Orville Peck

Marcus loves to shop! He drags Wrench and Josh with him for opinions, though neither of them really care they love how happy it makes him. Sitara is his real shopping companion, she Knows what looks good on him.

He’s the only neurotypical person in Dedsec. Boy was THAT and adjustment. Marus spent months after he joined reading up on everyone’s conditions and how to best help. He feels like a pro now, but is eager to learn. He stayed updated on all medical research. 

Marcus works with Sitara to prepare little emergency ‘fit-kits’ as they call them, for everyone. He can pull them out when someone’s having an episode and help them through it.

It can be a struggle to make sure both his boyfriends are on their meds and keeping themselves healthy, but he’s happy to do it. Marcus can take almost anything life throws at him

Organizes hack offs within the group just to show off, basically. The only one who has beaten him so far is Josh.

Josh isn’t into clubbing, so Marcus and Wrench party hard. When they come home they binge one of Josh’s old shows until all three fall asleep on the couch. 

Tasers pedos and rapists on sight, unless he’s on mission.

He goes back for them after

Terrified of motorcycles but loves weird cars.

He’s jewish and keeps a menorah at the hackerspace. Everyone loves to help him celebrate. 

[oh-theatre]

Objection!: Chapter 11

Chapter title: Sidebar

A/n:  Let me tell you how fucking hard this chapter was to write. I HAD TO REWRITE the court section multiple times because my OCD brain wants it to be as accurate as possible and I still think it's not but whatever. Prinxiety is slowly growing more on me, and im very excited for where they are going cause babies. MMmm Damian, Remus, and Val are my fave characters oops. Anyway! If you have an comments to spare... :)

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words: 5020

summary: Roman, against many wishes, wants to return to work and Patton has had enough

pairings: Eventual logicality, eventual prinxiety, platonic demus, romantic remile

warnings: Murder mention, child murder, Law and Courtroom, swearing, blood, hospital, LIAM, unwelcome actions, kissing, children in court

Ao3 Link  

“Damian please be careful!” Roman hears a familiar voice warn down the hall. He pauses the TV, expectantly sitting up as the rushed patter of feet draw near. After a few more moments of waiting, Roman watches as the door slowly slides open. He peers over his bed to reveal a small Damian struggling to push open the door. His little fingers barely pushing the crack open, his chest puffed in an attempt to be strong.

“Nnng got it!” Damian cheers finally getting through, a triumphant look on his face. He looks down the hall waving to an unknown figure. “Look papi! I got it!” He tells the figure, presumably Virgil. Roman has to laugh delighted at Damian. He's very familiar with the phrase bouncing off the walls and no one came close. But Damian? He was really pushing the line.

“Good job Dee” Virgil appears a moment later, doubling over huffing for air. He walks into the room picking up his son in the process. “Sorry Ro, he really wanted to see you” Virgil apologizes, cradling his squirmy son. The boy examines his surroundings, trying his hardest to figure out a way out of his father's grasp. He doesn't have to wait long, however.  

“Nonsense!” Roman declares, he adjusts his own position to better suit the young boy. “Come here” He ushers, Virgil gives him a doubtful look before placing Damian on the bed. He wastes no time making his way into Roman's arms, embracing the judge in a hug. Roman swallows the deep pain he feels, hoping the scrunching of his face looks more like excitement. Damian pulls away, sitting cross-legged on the bed opposite Roman.

“How are you feeling?” Virgil asks, his own arms folded in front of him. He looks around the room, his eyes fixated on the monitor. Though he doesn't understand most of what's displayed, the steady beating of Roman's heart does ease Virgil.

“Better, I'm going to work this morning” Roman responds not looking up. He plays chopsticks with Damian, letting him win almost every time. Virgil jerks his head towards Roman, his mouth failing to produce words. With no response, Roman turns his head towards Virgil. “What? The doctor cleared me, Im Gucci to go” He insists, the awful phrasing aside Virgil didn't believe it.

“You can't possibly be serious” Virgil gapes, his voice in a soft whisper as to not alert his oblivious son. Roman ‘loses’ another game of chopsticks, snapping his fingers in defeat. Damian giggles, falling back onto the soft cushioned bed. To their credit, hospital beds were quite comfortable.

“I am, the doctor informed and briefed Joan, so their prepared. There will be a nurse on standby” Roman hope the preparation eases Virgil because whether or not the anxious man wanted it he was going back to work. “I'll be ok Virge” He assures, his focus still on entertaining Damian. Roman was ready to go back to work, after two days of wallowing in the stupid hospital room. It was not a fun place, the walls were frigid, nothing drawing Roman out. Nothing made him feel comfortable, or safe, just...observed.

“Sorry to interrupt, but the car is ready when you are Judge Reial” A nurse pops her head in, Roman smiles at her thankfully, she disappears a moment after.

“Wait! You're leaving now?!” Virgil cries, ignoring the very dramatic undertones. Roman shrugs as Damian ‘helps’ him pack some things away. “Im wondering if you're really stupid” Roman shuts his bag closed. He doesn't mean to startle Damian, he gives him an apologetic look his demeanor softening. Virgil sighs, taking a moment to collect himself. “Im sorry Ro, obviously I didn't mean that...I'm just saying…”

“I got it, I know what you're saying” Roman nods, unable to meet the detective's eyes “And I'm saying, Im fine” He seethes. Damian grows bored of the cryptic talk and stands on the bed, he waddles over to where Virgil stands. Outstretching his arms in a request to be carried, Virgil obliges enveloping his son in a protective hug. Roman finishes packing, sliding his legs out from under the sheets. “I have to...get ready so…” He mumbles looking down at his sad gown. Virgil nods.

“I'll go check you out” He takes Damian with him out of the room, towards the front desk. His head bowed down to avoid witnessing the horrors that take place in this building. He sees enough during work, he didn't need to see anymore.

He checks Roman out pretty quickly but hangs behind for a while longer, gracing the judge with enough time to change. Once at least fifteen minutes have passed he returns, knocking politely before receiving the all-clear.

“RoRo!” Damian throws his hands in the air upon seeing the judge again. Virgil has to admit, he still looks good. Jeans, a red shirt and a jean jacket really fit the judge. Plus, in Virgil's...professional opinion, it was nice to see him in something other than a gown. The scars on Roman's face framed him perfectly, weird, Virgil didn't think they could do that.

“Virge, my eyes are up here” Roman teases watching the detectives gaze. Virgil's eyes shoot up meeting Romans. He coughs, hoisting Damian a little tighter.

“I know, they were just too ugly to look at” Virgil retorts turning around, Roman mocks a gasp. Damian giggles into his hands as the three of them walk towards the front door. “Dee, would you like to ride with Roman?” Virgil asks his son, seeing as they have two cars. Damian, without a second thought, nods practically jumping into Roman's arms. Virgil helps them into the car before waving them off and making his way to his own car.

Before driving off he allowed the silent humming of the engine and the drowned out voices of the news reporters to embrace him. Cradling him in a steady routine, beating rhythmically as they eased his breathing. He took this moment to himself, clean slate. It was just him, it's just you.

~~~

“I do love coffee” Patton smiles, sniffing his freshly brewed cup. Logan watches the tiny tip of his nose scrunching as it does so. He pays the cashier working the cart this morning before leading Patton back towards the main foyer. “I do wish we could stay out here, it's the perfect fall weather. The leaves are changing, it's chilly but not too chilly and the sky is just…” Patton sighs marveling at the vibrant blue color. “It's perfect” He decides, Logan eyes the familiar twinkle in Patton's eyes. It really is, he thinks.

“It's eloquent I suppose” Logan responds, taking his own look at the sky, he bundles up tighter. Patton laughs taking a sip of his coffee, Logan makes a mental note to stop looking at his lips. “I understand the appeal, it is quite pleasant” A gust of wind passes through them, a shiver chilling the bones of Logan's spine. “But yes...chilly” He shivers, Patton smiles linking his arms with Logans. He seizes the palms of his hands currently buried in gloves in his pocket growing sweaty. Patton thinks nothing of it, he continues admiring the environment. As they keep walking, Logan eases, slowly melting into the gesture.

The walk from the coffee cart/courtyard back to the courthouse is a lengthy one. Logan is silently grateful for this, he's not sure what it is but just walking through the path, having a fruitful discussion with Patton, a delectable coffee in his hands. But it's perfect. A small gasp from Patton pulls his attention back.

“Oh, you should see how excited the twins are for Halloween!” Patton remembers. “It's their first Halloween” Logan ponders this for a moment, his face showing the thinking process. “They were too little the last couple of years, we almost went last year but…” Logan nods remembering the incident that had occurred in Patton's neighborhood.

“Well it seems exciting” Logan admits, he wouldn't know, however. His parents never allowed him to go, and he never had any real desire too.

“You should join us!” Patton offers, Logan's heart picks up speed. “It would be fun, we could take them around the neighborhood, get some candy, and then just watch some good movies” Logan listens, it sounds wonderful. He almost longs for that kind of perfect night every night. Logan's face must not have conveyed the same feeling as Patton's next words fell out “You don't have to of course, just an offer and I'm sure the kids would love having you around”

“No Patton, I would very much appreciate that” He rushes not wanting to miss his window or miss a chance at seeing Patton's face light up. “I don't have to...dress up, do I?” He cautions, Patton shakes his head.

“Of course not, I usually wear something simple. A witch hat, little cat ears...but no you don't have to” he smiles. They continue on their way reaching the main foyer. Patton unlinks his arm from Logan much to the lawyer's disappointment. He struggles to remove his jacket, Logan removes his briskly hanging it on the coathanger.

“Here let me” he extends, Patton sighs resigned allowing Logan to help with his coat. He folds it neatly before placing it next to his own.

“Thanks!” Logan gives a short nod.

“Roman, I'm not going to tell you again!” Both lawyers turn their focus to the noise. Virgil stumbles in after a very annoyed looking Roman. “You have to be more careful, you're injuries are still fresh” He reminds, Roman groans throwing his head back.

“Ugh! I know, you keep telling me” Roman moans, as he removes his coat Patton and Logan see a bundled up Damian. Patton awes as Roman handles the boy carefully. The pair make their way to join the others.

“If it isn't your royal highness and his knight in sulking armor” Logan teases, Patton stifles a laugh waving a quick hello to Damian. Roman and Virgil share the same expression towards Logan. “I must ask, what are you doing here Roman?” Logan inquires. Virgil throws his hands up.

“Thank you! See? Logan...agrees?” He questions, Logan shrugs ultimately agreeing with the sentiment of concern Virgil feels. “You shouldn't be here, you should be resting! Getting better!” Virgil shouts, Patton shushes him still watching a very sleepy Damian. Roman rolls his eyes turning sharply towards Virgil. Patton breathes through his teeth, extending his arms towards the young boy. Roman eyes him confused. Patton gives him a sweet smile before Roman finally understands.

“Oh my god, here take him” He huffs handing Damian over delicately. Patton smiles cuddling the young boy, Logan watches. “Now you” Roman turns back to a rather fuming Virgil. “Need to stop, I am fine!” He affirms, Virgil laughs dryly. Patton begins dancing softly in place, humming quietly to Damian, a much-appreciated gesture. Virgil makes a mental note to thank him for that, Damian, much like his father can get stressed or anxious when people fight or are loud.

“Too loud” Damian moans staring at Roman and his father. Patton nods sympathetic, he shares a glance with Logan. “They won't stop” He complains, Patton takes a deep breath eyeing the front desk.

“Im going to go check in” Patton decides, telling the squabbling pair. Virgil nods, shooting his own apologetic look to his son. Patton, promptly followed by Logan, makes his way to the front desk still cradling a sleepy Damian. “Good morning Jen” He greets the receptionist, she gives him a half-hearted smile. Logan works on checking both the lawyers and the judge in, making sure to gain visitors pass for Damian and Virgil.

“I wish it was Mister Hart” She sighs, leaning her head against her chin as she works on the computer. Patton and Logan glance at one another, then back at Jenny. She cocks her head wanting to speak but finds herself pointing instead. “I really am sorry Patton, we tried to keep him away but…” Patton follows her point, his breath seizing as his gaze falls onto Liam. He stands only a few feet away, chatting up some officers. At this point, Patton has no more fight in him, the texts, the visits, even the slightly creepy gifts...Patton can't keep doing it anymore.

“Pat? Are you alright?” Logan questions softly, Patton's eyes glaze over. The only feeling of warmth coming from the now snoring child in his arms. His stomach aches, a nervous tug pulling at him. “Patton?” Logan tries again, he makes a point to keep his own voice steady. His own frustration and anger wanting to overwhelm him, to control him. Patton inhales, hoping the cool air frosting his lungs will jolt him back to life.

“Im ok” He responds finally. Logan looks for a sign of whether it was an honest statement or not, finding the blank expression quite hard to analyze. Patton returns his focus back to Logan, his face immediately gaining color. “For now, Im ok” He tells him, Damian shuffles in his arms causing the lawyer to coo at the young boy.

“So tell me, what are the twins dressing up as? For Halloween I mean” Logan questions, Patton looks up at him a slight widening of the eyes. He bites back a flustered smirk nodding.

“Well Valerie wanted to be a princess warrior and Remus wanted to be either a pickle or a duke” Patton explains, Logan smiles at Remus’s request.  “So I used an old princes dress we had and some new fabrics to make Valerie's costume, finished it last night” He grins, Logan nods. “Then I used some other costumes and some new material to make a duke outfit for Remus. It's very poofy and green of course” Patton finishes

“Of course” Logan agrees, Pattons chest burns. He continues talking as they return to the now silent Roman and Virgil, fully aware of the intent to distract Patton, Logan had. He was grateful nonetheless, and it worked. Unaware to either that Liam was watching, a sea of envy pooling his stomach.

~~~

“Come in” Patton calls out to the door after a soft knock was heard. The door creaks open in the way that Patton was so used to. Logan's head appears causing a slight giggle to escape Patton. “Hiya Lo, what's up?”

“I uh…” Logan begins, he remains in his position not furthering himself into the room. Patton cocks his head closing his laptop.

“Lo?” Patton asks, Logan takes a deep breath before stepping into the room.

“I brought you a dog” He blurts, and sure enough he had. He lifts his arms to reveal a cubby dog. “This is Kevin, my corgi” Logan informs, Patton squeals at the animal. “Patton are you alright?”

“Yes!! Of course, I'm alright!!” He squeals in delight, he moves around his desk towards the dog. He extends his arms “May I?” He wonders, Logan nods handing over his dog into the lawyer's excited arms. “Oh hello, I love you” He admits as soon as the soft fur tickles his arms. Logan breathes a sigh of relief at the lawyer's smile. “Oh, Lo, he's wonderful” Patton insists, Logan steps forward, petting Kevin's head in Patton's arms.

“I sure like to think so” he coos at the dog, Kevin really had squirmed his way into Logan's heart. “I had Reeve pick him up on the way here,” Logan tells, its true. After the morning the pair had had, Logan wanted to do something. Directly or indirectly, he wanted for some godforsaken reason, to cheer Patton up. So, dogs.

“Oh, I love him, Logan!” Patton cuddles the corgi, showering it with soft kisses. Logan gestures to the seat, Patton nods. They sit opposite one another, Patton still obsessing over the small animal. As if remembering Logan is still present, he brings his focus back to the lawyer. “Hi” He smiles, rubbing the corgi's belly softly.

“Hello” Logan responds, Patton adjusts his own glasses. “Are you ready for today?” Logan inquires, inspecting the office he's been in so many times. Whether to work on cases or just visit Patton, he knows this office.

“I think so” Patton receives a delighted lick from the corgi, causing him to giggle. Logan could listen to that sound forever “I'm a little nervous about George's testimony ...If I'm being honest” he confesses.

“What changed?” Logan sits back in his chair, folding his arms in front of him. Patton buries his chin slightly in Kevin who wants nothing more than to remain in this position licking away at the sweet man's face.

“I don't know…” Logan gives him a doubtful glance “I dont” he insists letting out a soft laugh. His phone buzzes causing him to slam it over, Logan leans forward.

“Everything alright?”

“That text is most likely, ninety-nine percent from Liam” Patton guesses, Logan gives him a tired smile.

“I do-” Logan begins quickly interrupted by Patton. Kevin yelps, scrunching his tiny nose.

“Not like him, I know” Patton finishes “You, Virgil and Roman should start a club” Patton jokes, Logan bites his bottom lip. It was a childish thing to do, and mostly for the joke but they had had a group chat a while back called ‘The Liam Hate Club’. It was inactive but they had it. He scratches the dog once more before carefully handing it back to Logan. “Im sorry, I love the little dude but...I should get back to work” He admits

“Yes, I suppose I should as well” Logan sighs resigned, he wants to stay but overstepping boundaries is not his thing. “I will see you in court,” he says his goodbyes, much as he has done before. He nods before leaving, Patton leans back in his share smiling softly.

“See you in court Lo” He mutters softly reopening his laptop. Typing away ignoring the incessant buzzing from his phone. As he does so, one thing, one image, one thought keeps running through his mind. Logan

~~~

“Mister Tolentino you ma-” Roman pauses eyeing the detective who now stands alarmingly close to him. At first, he found it sweet but now Virgil was annoying him. Constantly checking in, examining his every move, always having something to say about everything. “Detective Tormine, do I have to remove you from my court?” Roman practically seethes, the jury watches as the two shares silent communication.

“You might bitch, you might” Remy mutters softly for only him and Patton to hear. The lawyer turns and gives him a stifled laugh, Remy nods in return leaning in his chair.

“Can we please continue?” Logan begs. Roman jerks his head towards the impatient lawyer nodding.

“Yes, lets” Roman decides, he uses his gavel to point to Logan “You may proceed mister Tolentino” He assures, Logan, smiles standing from his bench.

“The people call George Hoff to the stand” He announces, Remy and Virgil joined by Joan stand making their way to where Geroge sits. The detectives assisted by the bailiff lead George over to the witness stand, securing his handcuffs in place. Patton hated the sight but it was the only way he was allowed to have George testify. Joan swears him in and Logan goes through the usual. “Mister Hoff, where were you on the night of the first murder, July fifteenth?” Logan inquires, George remains still.

“I was at home with my wife and children” He responds, Logan had forgotten how cold his voice could sound. The way it kept perfect pitch.

“And the night of the second murder, July twenty-first?” Logan continues, Patton listens intently. Someway, somehow, sometime Patton will slip up and Logan will catch it, so he has to stay on his feet.

“I was at work” George answers, Logan hadn't noticed but his eyes were fixated on Patton. They hadn't moved or blinked once.

“Where do you work mister Hoff?” Patton goes on, his questions feel flat, boring. Logan has to wonder why what will these do for the case?

“I work as a nurse at Florida's home for the elderly, and also work part-time as a behavioral therapist” George explains, Logan nods. He really was a model citizen, Logan's eyes grow wide. A model citizen, Pattons trying to weasel the jury, show that he's not a murderer. And he was assisting with that.  

“Mister Hoff what are your work hours?” Logan requests, Georges ponders for a moment.

“Typically from five am to late in the night” Logan nods scribbling something down.

“So, would you say you're at work most of the day?” Logan implies, Patton scoffs softly.

“Objection, leading the witness” He claims, Logan bites his lower lip

“Sustained, mister Tolentino” Roman warns, Logan takes a deep breath.

“Mister Hoff, where would you say you are most of the day?” Logan tries again, hoping George catches on. The man isn’t stupid, he's quite smart actually but these things are meant to trick clients, catch them in a lie.

“Work, mostly”

“Do they keep records of when you check-in?” Logan inquires, George nods.

“You check-in and my boss will check in every hour to see if we’re still working, then check out” George describes “We have records on records of when we are at work, and security cameras of course” Pattons good, Logan can tell he prepared his client.

“Did you kill those people George?” Logan asks point-blank, the jury erupts into small gasps. Patton himself is taken aback by this. Remy and Virgil lean forward, every time they have asked this question they've gotten one answer, always the same; yes.

“No, I did not” He admits, something shatters around the man. His shoulders fall, his face grows increasingly red, his eyes...were they always so tired? Patton takes a prideful breath.

“Then how do you explain how your blood was all over the crime scenes?” Logan remembers. “Because as you can see here…” He pauses allowing Reeve to set up a stand with Logan's evidence. “Your DNA results, and the crime scene with your blood and fingerprints-”

“Objection! Badgering the witness” Patton cries, Logan wasn't letting him answer. Roman nods.

“Sustained, mister Tolentino” Roman advises. Logan yawns, he's not sure where it came from but he’s exhausted. “Mister Tolentino, is everything alright?” Roman questions, a growing concern, the lawyer is always...ok. Patton recognizes something but takes a breath, he’ll check in on Logan during a recess period.

“Yes, mister Hoff please answer” Logan assures, rushing away from the problem.

“I...am not sure how to answer sir” George concedes “I don't know how my DNA ended up on the crime scene, or why I confessed.” Wait no, Logan can hear alarm bells going off. “I-

“No further questions your honor” Logan decides “For now” He shuts his eyes in regret, Roman slowly bangs his gavel, confusion riddling his face.

“Uh...ok...mister Hart would you like to cross-examine the witness?” Roman inquires still staring at Logan. Patton looks over to the lawyer, Logan returns the look, nothing out of the ordinary.

“Not this time, thank you” Patton concludes, Roman scrunches his brow. Patton had examined the jury, though some had biases, they were still not opposed to either side, Patton didn't want to mess with that.

“Mister Tolentino, you may call your second witness” Roman gives permission, Logan nods looking towards the audience. The detectives resume George to his previous position making sure his cuffs are secure.

“The people call Annie Hoff” Patton's heart shatter, he knows exactly who that is. He hears a small seize next to him, George inhales his breath a cold shiver ran through him. Patton stands a calm fury inside him.

“What did you just say?” Patton baffles, everyone turns to the lawyer, a frozen fiery passion on him.

“I-“ Logan begins

“Sidebar” Patton states, no one moves, too afraid.

“Patton-“ Logan tries

“No, sidebar” he decides, Roman glances between them. He takes a moment before ushering them to his stand. They both make their way over, Remy and Virgil glance at one another. “Patton…?” The lawyer takes a breath before turning to Logan.

“How dare you call a child to the stand?” He seethes in an angry whisper. Logan keeps his composure, feeling a stab as Patton stares back with nothing but...hate. “She's only five years old! How dare you put her through this!” Patton cries, his voice keeping quiet.

“Patton she witnessed a lot of suspicious behavior from her father, I have to” Logan pleads. Patton laughs bitterly. “You would do the same!” He argues, oops.

“Never, would I ever put a child on the stand to testify against their father!” Patton exclaims, this catches Virgil. Annie Hoff, he looks to his left seeing a woman holding a small girl. As if on cue, he and Patton share the same emotion.

“I sincerely doubt that I was just doing what I needed to prove tha-

“Remus, Valerie and Damian,” Patton says simply, Logan exhales sharply, what a fool. “I thought so. Roman, I apologize but I'm requesting we hold off until tomorrow” He turns to the judge, Roman nods giving him a sad smile. Logan wants to say something but Patton walks away. His feelings final.

“Court adjourned!” Roman calls out

~~~

The room felt so much smaller than before, the walls closing in on Patton, the way his chair could barely move. He wanted nothing more than to go home but he had so much work to do and it wasn't easy. He almost missed the rasping knock on his door, but it continued, longing for a response.

“Logan?” Patton hopes softly, he feels awful about his outburst in court and wanted nothing more than to apologize. The door creaks open, Patton sighs.

“You'd like that wouldn't you?” Liam trips in, shutting the door behind him. Patton's shoulders tense as the man looks around his room. “Wow, barely changed in here...besides..” he looks to a small corner of the room, a play mat is placed with remnants of the twin's toys.

“Liam” Patton identifies. Liam makes his way further into the room. “Im busy” He makes sure to choose his words carefully.

“Oh that sounds familiar” Liam jokes dryly, he makes his way to where Patton sits. Patton remains calm, taking a deep breath. “You working late, I would come to visit you…” He leans in, peering over Patton's shoulder.

“And yell at me if I recall” Patton shrugs, Liam scoffs. He feels his warm breath right next to his ear, no-no. Liam's arms carefully make their way around Patton, resting his head on Patton's shoulder. “Liam…” Patton mumbles softly.

“Sometimes I would do this…” He whispers, kissing Patton on the neck. Patton loathes how much he longed for this, something like this. The warmth, the feeling of safety, of being there with someone he loves. Except...he didn't want this...not with Liam. A certain person in mind? Someone to hold him, it's sad, Patton knows.

“Liam stop…” Patton decides, although not a lot of effort is put into his objection. He is exhausted. Liam rests his head again, tightening his grip. Now it hurts, and now Patton can smell the breath of the horrible man who's decided he has any right to touch Patton. “Of course you're drunk!” He scoffs pushing Liam off of him, actually quite proud of his resilience. Any other time, he wouldn't be able to, but he's grown.  

“I am lightly tips- tip..” Liam stops “What's the word again?” Patton might have laughed, had he not been incredibly uncomfortable.

“You should go” Patton holds up a finger “No, actually you will go” He demands. Liam grunts he moves away followed by Patton ushering him out the door.

“Goodbye Pat-” Patton decides not to let him finish his sentence, shutting the door promptly.

“Toodaloo” He whispers a farewell, going back to his desk. He's not sure how it happened, but the moment his back sunk into the chair it just came out. It started softly, like a light patter of rain, then it grew. Until Patton sat alone in the dark, sobbing.

~~~

“Reeve you can go home if you want” Logan assures the young intern. Reeve, appropriately yawns, simply shakes his head.

“That's alright sir, I enjoy...learning and hanging out with Kevin” He answers, cuddling the corgi, much to the dog's delight. They continue in silence, Logan typing away at his keyboard, Reeve studying over his books, as Kevin begs for a hint of attention from the pair. They had fallen into such a routine, the careful knock on the door scared the two of them.

“Hello?” Logan calls out, slightly closing his laptop. The door creaks open, a very exhausted Patton stands there, holding files delicately. Logan closes the laptop completely now. “Patton, I was hoping you would...come to talk to me” He cautions, glancing towards Reeve.

“I was hoping I could speak to you” Patton's voice is so soft, so...Logan's alarm bells are ringing. He finally notices the deep red eyes and the soft cracks in his words.

“Of course” Logan decides, Reeve makes his presence known, the dog barking.

“It's more of a...private matter” He eyes Reeve, the young intern pops up. “Apologies Reeve”

“No, of course, mister Tolentino, I will see you tomorrow” Reeve bids farewell, handing, knowingly, the dog to Patton. It's a wonderful source of comfort. He gathers his things before ducking out.

“Goodbye, Reeve!” Both lawyers shout in unison. Logan turns his attention back towards Patton. “Patton, I ju-

“I want to build a case against Liam” He proposes bluntly. Words could not describe the relief Logan felt.

Finally

“Come in” he invites, Patton nods, closing the door behind him as he sits. Patton takes a deep breath, placing his files on the table, Logan looks them over.

“These are...Liam's files and...other stuff I've collected and Virgils collected over the years” Patton mumbles, he's in no state, but he's come here. He's come here, asked Logan for help, and Logan was going to everything he could.

“Let's get started”

[ofstrikcrs]

heyo what’s poppin ! it’s me, hannah !  i’m 20 n vibin in the est. my pronouns r we/them/boys but she/her work as well djskfsmd n i’m currently #unemployed BUT i am a full time student... majoring in dumb bitch theory n loving my gf n i’m at the top of my class baby...... :’) ANYWAY. i’m back again w a ( hopefully ) more condensed version of the infamous google doc(s) STRIKER KIM? MORE LIKE STRIKE ME IN THE HEART I LOVE U BITCH so that u dont all have to read the monstrosity that is my app ( but like, if u wanna... u can find it right HERE ) 

n without further ado... let’s kick it !

this is striker, he’s 28 ( soon to b 29 #ariesculture ) n he’s very complicated.. very complicated.... 

his mom cherry kim ( nee corallo ) is the daughter of lorenzo corallo, renowned filmmaker. daphne had a stint in acting in her youth as well but ending up withdrawing from the spotlight once she married his dad.

his dad is warren kim, business man

what kind of business you ask ? well..

let us rewind a little bit, shall we? now if you know anything about the ins and outs of organized crime in new york city, the name corallo might sound *eyes emoji* familiar to you. giovanni corallo was a boss of the lucchese crime family until his arrest and… you guessed it… that means our man lorenzo corallo is a man of the mafia !

lorenzo, however, wasn’t a first-born son which also meant he wasn’t an heir in any way shape or form and was free to do his thing you know BUT when it came time to arrange marriage for his one and only daughter, cherry, it was Expected of him to keep it in the family 

enter the kim family, who had been loyal to the lucchese family for as long as they’d been in america and had built up quite a reputation for themselves in the family, so it was just a natural choice to marry off cherry to their son, warren

they had two kids! their first-born son, dagger, and their second-son…. STRIKER !

and, as in all mafia stories, there is no better prize than the benefits reaped from die-hard loyalty, so in addition to getting to marry a corallo girl… a series of unfortunate events ( i.e. some deaths and arrests ) led to the promotion from right-hand man to acting boss of none other than our very own warren kim

now being the child of an acting mob boss is stressful, but being the second-son of an acting mob boss is… slightly less stressful. see, cherry stepping Out of the spotlight was a strategic move on her own part but was entirely her own decision which meant that striker was free to choose the exact opposite

with no real mafia-related responsibilities or expectations ( other than keeping his mouth SHUT ) on his shoulders, he was more or less… free to roam however he wanted and as he’s always had a taste for the finer things in life, there’s no real surprise that he chose to follow his mother’s side of the family and became nothing short of a socialite in new york city 

which.. despite what the press says abt our #mans striker kim ( i.e. being a billionaire playboy, irresponsible, reckless, wild, etc. ) he’s smart n his main motivation for heading straight for the spotlight is bc every person who falls in love w him is part of a complex and expansive insurance policy that makes it that much harder for the mafia to make him Disappear, u know ?

this is one of the reasons why striker and dagger never Really not along, though striker’s always had this theory that dagger was built for nothing but the mafia anyway bc he’s straight up one of the meanest, cruelest,  most RUTHLESS people that striker has ever met. but, like, with a name like dagger… how could you not be?

things really start getting #Complicated for striker when he’s ABOUT to graduate from college and his dad yeets this mortal coil in a Shocking Tragic Unexpected death ! it doesn’t really affect striker all that much bc striker spent a lot of his life living with his grandfather in the city but… rather when his father dies it’s dagger that ascends into the role of acting boss and BOY OH BOY that’s nothing but trouble for striker 

dagger gets striker roped right back into the mafia that he worked his whole life to try n get out of.. just like that. sad.

and because striker is… como se dice…. a stubborn shithead with a penchant for the dramatics, he starts looking for a way to make his brothers life absolute hell because! yes! striker IS the person who fucks with the mafia! what a moron!

for a good few years it was just minor stuff, nothing really consequential, but that gets boring very quickly bc ... u know ... it is what it is 

ANYWAY. he really finds his in to what’s going to make dagger kim’s life HELL and that is getting himself involved in a little heist group. there are only so many events that striker can show his face that end with a robbery of some sort before it starts to become suspicious, and it doesn’t take a genius to connect the kim family to the corallo family to the lucchese family. it’s just enough to keep people talking but not enough to actively incriminate himself. and as long as he’s not publicly throwing the lucchese family under the bus, he’s still, by all accounts, insured by the mafia as the son of warren kim.

anyway! enough w the backstory! here’s some fun lil personality n headcanon stuff :’)

first and foremost.. he does have a face tatoo. ( and an eyebrow piercing and yes i have photos of both if u want to see them )  it’s of a crown on his left cheek and he   got it within a week of his father dying and dagger forcing him to come back into   the mafia to Assert His Dominance n show dagger he was still in charge of his own   goddamn decisions so fuck you dagger

dagger punched him in the face for getting the tattoo and he had a black eye for two weeks but you win some you lose some

on the surface? rich kid asshole!!! rich RICH kid asshole!!! you know the kind of guy you take one ( 1 ) look at him and you’re like yeAh u absolutely think that ur better than me ? that’s him 

does he rly think he’s better than u? unclear.. depends on who u are... i already have some thots abt who striker wld dislike hmu tho aha x

fluent in english ofc n also korean and italian, his primary language is lit rally a jumble of korean and italian tht nobody can understand but like.. him n dagger n his dad ( rip ) n he also knows a little spanish and japanese.

he’s afraid of horses but will never admit it

he loves to bet!!! he loves it!!! it’s probably from growing up in a family where making bets on things was a major source of income but he will 100000% place bets on anything there is to place bets on and will rope as many people into his betting pools as possible

he hasn’t had his gay awakening yet isn’t that tragic??  turns out the mafia ISN’T a very lgbt friendly place, who would have thought?? so that’s absolutely something that’s going to happen bc we know that i love to make my characters suffer esp when it’s related to their attraction to someone whew…

he’s somehow both the biggest gossip and the most secretive person that you’ll ever meet??? like he’s an instigator n will make offhanded comments abt what he’s observed other ppl doing recently that he thinks are… inch resting… and you’ll have this long ass conversation w him and not realize until like 2 hours later that he didn’t say one ( 1 ) thing abt himself the entire time

you know how finnick from the hunger games used to get paid for things w secrets??? that’s so striker to the core… like you can’t buy him or bribe him bc baby has $$$ and is so disinterested in the glitz and glamor of fast cars and expensive drinks and whatnot, so if you really want him to do something for him… you’re going to have to trade him some secrets��� n that’s that on that!

he doesn’t like to take his shirt off around ppl bc #scars ( predominantly the large letter L that’s branded on his chest but there are some others that i haven’t decided on yet ) anyway he does not partake in the pool parties n as explanation has just always  told everyone that he doesn’t know how to swim… n he’ll die w that lie, thank u !

very paranoid... has 2 different phones w his contacts n codes.. folds his clothes a certain way so he can know if someone touched his stuff... has a fun in a safe under his bed that he changes the passcode to regularly.... he also has some ocd but a lot of it is #trauma

im sry there r so many points here i .. rly tried to trim them down n there are like 300% more in my app but.. whew... ok

i’m going to stop now but pls.. pls plot w me i beg ok thank u bye

[yippieitsarvensart]

OK OK SO !!! HCS FIRST 👇👇

both the tweels > bpd, autistic. also partially blind in both eyes and wear contacts (morays have shit eyesight), their vision gets shittier the lighter the ambient, + they have shit balance but are pretty fast. they have long hair shaved on both sides, are black w/ vitiligo, notable on their face on the same side of their black hair strand (stolen hc), and have freckles with their merform's colors. oh and their gills never go out so they can breathe underwater + their ears are that shape i drew on floyd always, bc the potion cant take those things away. they have some scars from brawls in the ocean. in my head they also purr. AND theyre both transfem. to me. (they use any prns but mostly he/she) + theyre every gender under the sun & bissexual/panssexual, they date everyone regardless of gender

floyd specific > adhd. gets overwhelmed pretty easily and his meltdowns consist of him whining and crying and breaking stuff and wanting attention. can understand tone when hes in a good mood only + has super control of his tone & voice, not masking just very good w it. he can toletare tight clothing but as long as its 1 item, prefers large ones. also he likes enclosed spaces and needs stimulation 24/7, never stops never stills, either has music or is fidgeting. special interest is fashion (mostly shoes) :3c

jade specific > slight ocd. its not that big but its there. hard to get overwhelmed but when he does he breaks and throws everything around him, even people. has more difficulty w tone and his face + voice is almost always stuck in that customer service one, poor guy. absolutely LOVES tight clothing and tight spaces. hes not very hyperative hes just chillin most of the time. vibrating slightly sometimes when hes vv happy. special interest is mushrooms ofc!

bonus riddle > bdp, autistic, ocd. also has depression & anxiety. uses he/she and is transfem bigender sapphilean (mlm wlw) ! the white strand you comented abt on my art (thank you sm for the kind comments btw <33) is a hc that i have about the after effects of chap 6. she ended up having that white strand and cant seem to get it out no matter what... has dyed it before but gave up eventually. anyways she has chronic pain on her wrists bc of writing so much! i also hc that his overblot left burn scars on his arms, legs & face. in the begginings of nrc time he had an ED, but after his 3rd year he was very recovered and is now pudgy. her special interests are books & hedgehogs :D

(+ i can talk abt silver & sebek if you want :3c)

ANYWAYSS, jchshjds riddle is so silly hes so unaware of social clues poor guy..... its so funny that hes the only one out of the loop there. but they work it out eventually....

honestly im convinced sebek would try asking him on a date and riddle would accept but he would know it was a date. and this happened for a long time. until riddle told trey & cater about him, sebek and silver hanging out and they were like "riddle.... thats a date.... you guys are doing things boyfriends do" and hes all "we are What." jdjwndjsn

I DO HAVE TIME give me some ingredients (ideas) and i'll cook (write) . bc unfortunelly i am not so big on ideas rn 😔😔

also THE IMAGE ?!!??!(($!? HGJDHS ive saved it its so silbekrid....

I was literally looking at this in the morning while eating breakfast like "I'll respond to this after I eat" Now, 7:30pm, I start writing out a response. smh.

YOU LITERALLY HAVE THE CREATIVEST MIND EVER?? THE REALEST THOUGHTS IN THE GALAXY???

I have actually mentioned before that I also think the twins have shit eyesight and how I think it goes down is like; ONLY JADE uses contacts, Floyd finds the idea of putting those things ON YOUR EYEBALLS is like actually disgusting he would rather DIE. So he- Like Jade -Has prescription glasses, but he never uses them unless he's in his own room and wants to actually see clearly. Azul insists he wears them while working in the lounge because he doesn't need Floyd tripping over and breaking things, it would be annoying to clean up after him. (translated: I really don't want you to get hurt please wear ur glasses so I can stop worrying about you) I don't actually have hcs for the twins' sexualities n' genders but I feel like they're so nonbinary spectrum 2 me... and also bi/pan is so real 2me now thhank you... Tweels purring real... idc if eels can't actually purr they can now... The separate-specific hcs I agree with it all, very very super real

YES go ahead and talk about the other two as well I love your massive awesome brain it's so full of things and I need to study you under a microscope methinks... I love love love Silver especially, he's one of the characters that when I hadn't played twst yet he caught my eyeee and I was like !!!! :OOO pretty boy alert!! Although with Sebs it took a little longer, I've only just recently started liking him a lot more but with the help of hcs and deep diving into lore I have quickly warmed up to his character... Love the boy Love him <33

and Riddllleeee... ohhh Riddle <3333 I'm #FallingInLove for real (take this part as inspo for a fic if you want boo, I can write prompts all day) Riddle just being so confused when caycay n' Trey tell her he's been going on dates this whole time. Like why didn't I get told about this. Have we been dating this entire time and I didn't know. And then she has a crisis and freaks out about it because "what if Sebek and Silver didn't know either and they are literally just my friends and they see me as a friend-" and all these 'what if's' go through his head and it makes him go. coo-coo. So he's extra irritable, too many heads are rolling once again, and she's trying extra hard to avoid/ignore/turn down any of Sebek's and Silver's offers to hang out BECAUSE SHE JUST FEELS SO AWFUL ABOUT IT like they really. REALLY need to talk it out. SebeSil go to someone else (can't think of any1 rn, maybe lilia?) to ask for advice on what to do... AUUGHHH then idk 1000 words later they k-k-kiss and make up (like the song. aha)

[and-i-uh]

6? 22? Any other number you wanted to answer?

6- i dont have any stim toys, ive never really delved into that stuff, i was never really given the chance to explore stuff that would help me out with stimming and such. I also dont think i would like stim toys? Maybe i just have to try some but idk.

22- idk any specific songs i stim to. But ive stimmed while listening to mcr, and honestly i just stim to alot of the general songs i listen to. I really like singing along, i think thats a stim of mine, and some songs just listening to them is like stimming (anything with drums and/or guitars)

2- i like blankets a lot. Even if im hot and dont really need one, ill subconsciously grab the blanket on the couch and put it on my lap, and on my bed. There was one day i grabbed a pocket-sized beanie baby and put itin my hoodie pocket, and just knowing it was there made me happy. Also when i was with my friends one of them stuck their hands in my pocket and i panicked and like moved it out of their reach bc i was scared to get made fun of lol, it ended up being fine. I sleep with stuffed animals a lot. I think thats it

3- my school experiences were,,, not fun at all. Theres a lot to unpack there. My schools all had this thing called a “504 plan” or whatever. And it’s supposed to help people with certain disorders/disabilities. Mine only acknowledged my adhd as far as i know. Maybe my anxiety too. Some of the things that were supposed to ‘help’ were moving me to the front of the room, i got extended time to complete stuff (supposedly), extended time on certain tests (which i only saw on the act, literally i got no other extended time to do anything else. And after i got extended time on the act my scores shot up. Imagine the potential if i was given my actual extended time shit) and the meetings were hell. They started to have meetings with me in middle school, sixth grade i think. Having an administrator there, and my parents, and at least one teacher was terrifying to me. I think i cried every meeting. Honestly it felt like an interrogation to me, esp with all the damn eye contact and shit. My dad asked me if i wanted to continue it this year and i was immediately like fuck no nuh uh not happening. And whether or not I actually needed to be in the front of the room depended on the class, teacher, the people in there, but a lot of the time i would just be moved to the front and i would hate it. In eighth grade my math teacher moved me from the back of the room (a favorite seat in that class) to the front of the room in the middle of class for like a week. It was honestly humiliating and the only time i was eventually able to express my opinion on the 504 shit. Actually my freshman math teacher did that too. Ahaha moving on now before this gets too long.

4/5- three negative and positive things about being autistic.

Pros-

(1) i dont really have a chance to not have a hobby. Ive always got an interest to keep me entertained and i like that.

(2) stimming is nice, i like it, im not afraid to let myself stim. Makes me feel better.

(3) im unique and shit. I have a different pov than other people and that allows me to have different ways of thinking. I think outside the box ig. I also have this weird version of confidence and objectivity that I appreciate in myself

Cons-

(1) its hard to feel like i belong somewhere, bc im so different. Im getting better at it but im not good at getting close to people.

(2) i also like,, dont have certain permanence? Like object permanence? A lot of the time i dont really miss things/people unless im somewhere that reminds me of them. Idk if it’s negative really but its something,, even a spin, like bts, i dont really miss them that much until i do. Theyre still very important to me but yeah

(3) people dont really get me the same way other people get other people. And its hard for me to explain it to people. And theres certain people i get more than others. Its weird.

7- people need to give autistics a chance to be heard. Apply the accommodations you “give” them. Dont put them in the spotlight and give them space when needed. We are what you might call “picky” too. Eating, learning, socializing, we have our own things we need to be able to do shit. Learn them. Let us stim. Encourage us to learn about ourselves and remind us that youre there for us. But dont try to help us unless we ask or we actually need help. Dont trigger meltdowns on purpose, stop using the r word even in passing like its not a big deal. Be more than aware of us, accept us, appreciate us. Dont be a bystander.

8- i dont have much experience with meltdowns? I think? If i have i didnt have chances to recover. I had to go back to class or something. Idk how to recognize them in me either.

10- showering. Thats a big thing that even though i kinda need i forget to do. Except during school. I had a whole routine in the morning and i was super punctual. If i didnt shower i would be late, miss the bus, forget something.

12- meat. The way it feels. Disgusting. How do people eat it and not feel like dying? Same with lettuce. Spinach is fine but every time i try to eat lettuce I almost throw up. Bell peppers, pickles, vinegar, mayo, eggs usually, cheese sometimes. Just off the top of my head. One time i tried putting lettuce on my burger, was feeling adventurous, and after biting down i had to just take the lettuce off. Another time, my stepmom (newly married to my dad) made slads for us, and i was skeptical. There was white stuff all over the salad and she wouldnt tell me what it was. I tried eating a little carrot stick thing and almost vomited. Thats when she learned I cannot eat mayo. Even if idk that its mayo i still cant fuckin eat it. She forced me to eat bell peppers one time. Didnt go well at all. At all.

(Not gonna do the spin one bc ive already talked about them and if i do again itll be too long)

15- yes! I only do big stuff(?)(like yelling n shit) when im completely alone. Like if im home alone. Bc i get so loud. Sometimes ill hum in my room or sing to myself in my room though. Its so fun. As for phrases i repeat, ill repeat anything i find interesting. In a movie or song, or even something a friend said. One time my mom said the phrase “tough titty said the kitty but the milks still good” and i went around the kitchen repeating it until she got annoyed. Also sometimes something in the room will have a constant sound and ill like think a phrase to that sound repeatedly. Idk how to explain it lol. Idk if thats echolalia either

16- rocks. Typical i know, collecting rocks. But i just cant help it. I see a rock i like, i pick it up, take it home. I used to collect sticks. And when i was in elementary school, i used to pick shit up off the playground. Beer bottle caps was a favorite. Apparently the school called my mom about it bc they found my stash and thought it was from home and my parents were drinking excessively. 😬 oops

18- introverted?

19- kinda depends. Idk. I really cant tell wow. I would probably say hypersensitive. Just cause i have a ton of sensory issues and a lot of stuff bothers me. Like types of clothes. And how things are resting on my body. Yeah i guess i am hypersensitive.

20- i used to struggle with self love a lot. And sometimes i still kinda do. But in the past few years ive really started appreciating myself and trying to learn a lot about myself. Its going well id say.

21- empathy. Hmm. I think im very empathetic, actually. I can always tell when someone is feeling uncomfortable in a situation. And when i should tell people to back off of them if they wont say it themselves. And im very uncomfortable when theres secondhand embarrassment. And bullying, in something im watching or reading. Yknow, I actually cant watch mean girls. I just. I tried, i had to walk away bc I couldn’t take it. It also kinda triggers me so theres that. Bc of the bullying. But yeah im very empathetic. Otherwise socially im not good at that.

23- nope. Ive got like no support system other than tumblr and online friends. Apparently my dad refused to acknowledge im autistic and hes my favorite parent. Thats his big flaw though. And if i “came out” to him and said it myself he would probably come around. I know hes not completely nt either. My Opa has ocd, so nuerodiversity runs in the family ig.

While making this i got distracted and went on insta for like an hour oops lol

24- steampunk cosplay? Or college dorm tips? The steampunk one was freshman year, and the college dorm one was fifth grade. It lasted well into sixth grade and seventh grade.