#so perhaps not all those writers made their cool ass covers themselves (one of my old fics' cover was drawn by a Wattpad mutual/friend sooo)

[satellite-blossom]

I've yet to find another site that can give you the same feeling as a Wattpad fic with a beautifully/expertly edited cover and the worst first chapter you've ever seen so far.

[lokiondisneyplus]

Most Marvel post-credit scenes hint at the future. Loki opted for a blunter approach: the God of Mischief would return in season 2.

Based on the final turn of events, there was really no other choice: Loki (Tom Hiddleston), having journeyed to the furthest point in spacetime with his variant Sylvie (Sophia Di Martino) to meet the founder of the TVA, a scientist-turned-survivor-of-multiversal-war known as He Who Remains (Jonathan Majors), finds himself zapped into a new reality when his lady self slays the omnipresent being. The mind reels!

Creator Michael Waldron takes delight in the endless possibilities of Loki’s core premise. And as a veteran of Rick and Morty, he knows what anchors a mind-bending show, and what will keep Hiddleston’s character hurtling through his chaotic, rewritten future. Below, Polygon talks to Waldron about landing on the key choices of Loki season 1, what to expect from season 2, and a bit on his next project, the wrestling drama Heels, which is set to premiere on Aug. 15.

Did you know there’d be a second season of Loki from the beginning or was that choice made later in the process?

Michael Waldron: We always knew that it was a possibility. We always knew that we wanted to propel Loki and these characters out into the MCU after this, into further stories. But that didn’t really crystallize as a sure thing until we were in production and everything. And as we were really figuring out the finale.

So you were still cracking the ending as you shot the show?

There was a hiatus due to the pandemic. So things were constantly being retooled because of that. I think, by and large, everything with He Who Remains and the Sylvie-Loki conflict was always there. But that cliffhanger was the sort of thing that suddenly became a really appealing opportunity, a chance for that to lead into a second season.

What element of the series helped you crack the macro story of Loki, and made all the other pieces fall into place? Each episode almost feels like a standalone adventure, similar to Rick and Morty, but what helped it all click?

The first couple of weeks in the writers room was just laying out the individual episodes. It was very important to me that each episode stood on its own, and you could say “This is the Lamentis episode,” “This is the apocalypse moon episode,” “This is the Void episode.” I didn’t want it to just be cut up chapters and have one long continuous story. Obviously, we had to figure out the time travel for things to slot into place. I think a big idea for us was the way you get around the TVA by hiding in apocalypses. That felt like such a big, cool, exciting idea that it drove the action of episode 2, episode 3, and in a way it’s like Alioth is the ultimate apocalypse that He Who Remains is hiding behind. That sci-fi idea cracked a lot open for us. I know that after we had that I went home and I slept a little sounder.

Did adding the multiverse to the Marvel Cinematic Universe feel like blowing something up or expanding it, in terms of narrative possibilities?

In the same way that after the first couple Iron Man movies, and with the first Avengers, suddenly these movies were kind of going to space. Then we had Guardians. I think of the multiverse as another version of that. It’s new ground to cover, and particularly interesting because characters meeting other versions of themselves and other versions of people they know is... cool. That’s just a cool sci-fi concept! But I think with anything, as you expand outward, it only works if the humanity remains. It’s exciting to watch characters dealing with big crazy multiversal conflicts because we can see ourselves in them. I think you just have to hold on to the humanity that makes these stories work in the first place.

Did you go back to the Thor movies for Loki? Was there anything to find in the past of Marvel as you were paving the future?

Absolutely. I mean I watched them many times, contrary to what Twitter might think because I did some bits on there saying that I’ve never seen Avengers and I upset some people [laughs]. I have seen it many times. “Confirmed: Loki writer has seen Avengers and saw it before writing Loki show.”

In fact, I was watching all these movies on a loop in the writers’ room. I gleaned so much because you watch the evolution of the character. Avengers was particularly informative because our story picks up Loki right after that, but I also I found a lot of inspiration in Thor: The Dark World, a maybe sometimes maligned movie that I actually really enjoy. I just think there’s great stuff with Loki being tangentially responsible for the death of his mother, how he reacts to that. That is the start of his journey of that version of Loki’s redemption, so I was inspired by that.

What’s propelling the characters into season 2? Where are you headed in basic terms?

In season 1, you saw a lot of characters reckoning with and questioning their own glorious purpose, and that glorious purpose changing, [characters] realizing that that can change. Everybody except for Sylvie. I think she holds onto hers, which is vengeance, and to the detriment of us all, perhaps. And we’ve got a Loki who, at the top of our show, assessed himself as a villain and, I would argue, at the end of our show, has become a little bit of a hero. There’s nothing more heroic to me than fighting for the right thing and losing. You see that washing over him as he’s there back at the TVA, after Sylvie has knocked back there. And then he gets up because that is what heroes do — they keep going. So I think that you’re gonna see a Loki that looks at himself in a different way certainly that at the top of this.

Do you hope to explore more of Sylvie’s backstory in season 2?

I guess we’ll see. We certainly have our own rich backstory for her, stuff that didn’t get to make it into the show. Elissa Karasik, our episode 2 writer, wrote a lot of amazing backstory for Sylvia and everything. So those ideas exist out there.

And her version of Thor?

Tune in.

How did He Who Remains come about? Did you bring the character to Marvel or was that a character Marvel hoped to introduce?

I was pushing and our team was pushing early on in the writers’ room that it should be a version of Kang up in that Citadel, sort of fusing the mythology of He Who Remains with a little bit of the Immortus mythology. And that was a thing we were excited to do. And it became clear that it actually made sense for our story. The only way we were going to do it was if it made sense, but it was like, who had a better argument for creating the TVA to prevent other versions of themselves from existing then a guy as evil as Kang the Conqueror?

You wrote the upcoming Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness — did Marvel hire you for that after Loki? Does the movie feel like a continuation of the show?

Yeah, that opportunity came as we were getting ready to start production on Loki. It was a pleasure. I got to work with Sam Raimi, a hero of mine. I was in London for five months making that movie at the top of this year. We had a blast. I think that it’s a continuation in as much as ever every Marvel movie is to some extent a chapter in an ongoing story, but these things are meant to stand alone and the most important thing about Doctor Strange too is making the most kick ass Doctor Strange movie we could.

Is Loki a two-part show now or are you invested in telling a longer story with future seasons beyond season 2?

Time will tell, but I do my hope is that season 1 stands on its own. We always wanted to tell a complete story there. And in whatever the next chapter may be will stand on its own as well.

Your next show, Heels, is already on the way. We got a big preview out of Comic-Con this year, but I’m curious about the scope of this story. You’re starting with two brothers running an independent wrestling franchise, but you’ve dropped the name “Vince McMahon” a few times — is this about the building of an empire? Would you liken it to The Godfather or Breaking Bad?

I always thought about it a little bit of a Scorsese-sort-of rise, and we’ll see if there’s a fall. Starting from humble beginnings and trying to build some crazy. Wrestling was certainly not always the empire that it is and that’s what’s interesting, to watch the evolution of a family-run wrestling business from something you do in your small towns and perhaps a national, even global empire. That would be a really compelling arc for a show over the course of several seasons. I’d be excited to explore that.

What’s the most dramatically fulfilling wrestling moment you’ve witnessed? What’s the bar for the wrestling drama of Heels?

It’s gotta be Hulk Hogan turning heel in the WCW. There was an invasion storyline, these guys from WWF, Kevin Nash and Scott Hall, came over and they were the bad guys. It was at a Pay-per-view and and they were beating up on the good guys that you love, and here comes Hulk Hogan in the yellow and red and he’s the hero. “The Hulk’s gonna get ‘em! The good guy’s here!” And then the Hulk just leg drops Randy Savage. That was the original Red Wedding. I just think about the boldness of turning him heel. To a little kid... I wasn’t even like a massive Hulk fan, but he was just such a mythological figure. What a chance that Hulk Hogan took as a performer, as a bankable kind of movie star at that point. That was bold, risky storytelling and it set off two years of amazing storytelling with Hogan just playing a craven, cowardly heel and just being so evil. I really respect the hell out of them for doing that. That was a great storyline.

[recurring-polynya]

Bleach Sword Beasts Arc Recap: Episode 260

Yuppp, it’s time for the Kazeshini Befriends a Baby episode.

Friends, I know someone’s gonna yell at me for this, but honestly, I remembered this one being better. I mean, obviously, the idea seems like comedy gold, but as I was watching it, I felt like they had this concept and then just... failed to ride with it. Like “It’s Kazeshini.... and a baby! It’s hilarious!” without actually being hilarious. Regardless, I know people would be disappointed if I didn’t cover this one, because it is beloved, so I will do my best.

Ep opens with Hisagi Naruto-running through the woods while Kazeshini cackles, so I guess that counts as a strong start, but it’s literally just footage they re-used from the episode where they fought back during the Muramasa rebellion. I gotta say, if I went to shinigami school and trained with the blade, etc, and then found out my sword spirit was a crazy murderer who hated me and would absolutely not help me in any situation, I would take some night courses and become a shinigami bartender. I would not “deal with” some stupid death pinwheels that scared me. I would simply pursue another line of employment. I would also not get the sex number tattooed on my face, so these are just a few of the ways I am different from Hisagi Shuuhei.

I guess that was supposed to be an actual flashback, because then it cuts to Ikkaku, Iba, Izuru, and Shuuhei running through the woods. What a friggin’ dream team. Ikkaku and Iba are on exposition duty, and thus we learn that they are off to Rukongai to fight some sword beasts who are starting shit, as is their wont. They get attacked by Kazeshini and Hisagi sighs and tells everyone else to go on ahead with exactly the same inflection as an absentee dad in an 80′s film who just remembered he can’t go to the game because he has to pick up his son from soccer practice. It’s now Kira’s turn to provide some exposition, and he explains to Iba and Ikkaku that Hisagi’s zanpakutou is, as they say, a huge bitch. He voiceovers his own flashback to the time he totally beat Kazeshini and looked super cool. Iba and Ikkaku agree: Wow. Kazeshini sure is a huge bitch.

Shuuhei and Kazeshini fight for a while, but Shuuhei is so, so tired, and finally he’s like “Dude, I am at work, can we do this later?” and Kazeshini gets mad and pouty.

I really like the next part where Hisagi runs up to some Kira and Iba who are standing around in Rukongai, which is smoking, and says “Sorry I’m late.” Ikkaku is nowhere to be seen draw your own conclusions. It is no wonder the Rukongai dwellers hate Soul Reapers, I would definitely be printing up anti-shinigami propaganda if I lived in the Rukon.

I am sorry, I can’t stop taking screenshots of these goons, I love them. Ikakku shows up and says they were all too late, it was like this when we got here. Whatever you say, man.

Cut to a cliff where Kazeshini is gazing over the smoking town, and Haineko, Hozukimaru and Wabisuke roll in to give him some life advice. Look, the best thing about this arc is the great care and attention they give to pointedly ignoring that no one ever made up zanpakutou for some of the shinigami. Maybe you won’t notice, they say, that we never show Iba’s zanpakutou. He surely has one and it definitely has a name, look, here’s a catgirl! God, I would give my liver to get the backstory on Iba’s zanpakutou. I hope it’s just Ray Smuckles from Achewood.

It turns out this is an intervention, the other zanpakutou are as sick of Kazeshini’s shit as Hisagi is. They are literally just like “what is wrong with you man?” and then say he can’t come to the cool parties down in the zanpakutou cave anymore if he can’t get his shit together. (Do you think Byakuya is still invited to those? I mean, I am sure he doesn’t go). Kazeshini yells “You’re not MY DAD!” and jumps off a cliff.

Kazeshini attacks Hisagi again while Hisagi is in the middle of a fight with an actual sword beast. Hisagi is really fed up by this time, he’s busy and this is getting pretty tiresome (to us, the audience as well). He throws Kazeshini through a wall, yells “I don’t have time for this” and gets back to business. Kazeshini is upset because no one is paying attention to him and goes looking for Hisagi. What he finds instead is a sword beast murdering a dude. The sword beast calls Kazeshini a dog of the Soul Reapers so Kazeshini stabs him in the friggin’ face, the first time this episode we have seen Kazeshini’s commitment to murderin’ dudes. Of course, the sword beast was in the middle of his own murder at the time, and the poor dude bleeding out on the floor begs Kazeshini to take care of his infant son.

I am presuming it’s his son. He could have been stolen that baby. Maybe they were just roommates. I don’t know how babies work in Soul Society and every time I think about it, it gives me a headache. Anyway, the baby has appeared.

To be perfectly honest, the dad didn’t even look that hurt and Kazeshini doesn’t know how much blood people are suppose to have in them, I bet he was just faking to get rid of this baby.

Kazeshini deadass looks this baby in the eyes and in a gravelly Clint Eastwood voice says “Look, kid, the only thing I am interested in is reaping lives” and I laughed my ass off, this is the actual funniest thing that happens in this episode.

The baby starts crying because Kazeshini won’t let him touch his death pinwheels, and the Soul Reapers hear it and start to run over. Kazeshini yells “I guess I have no choice!” grabs the baby and scrams. He had... no choice. He is very committed to murders, but he had no choice but to leave the baby sitting on the ground for 30 seconds before some authority figures ran up and found it. No. Choice.

GOD, I would give anything to see Iba, Ikkaku, Kira and Hisagi try to take care of a baby. Iba would try to get the Shinigami Women’s Association to take it and they would refuse. He would put the baby in sunglasses and one of those chest wraps. Ikkaku would try to teach the baby to fight, while Kira shouted “You can’t teach a baby to fight!” Hisagi would try to read a book on childhood development and get some Bad Ideas. Eventually, Ukitake would show up and take the baby away from them. I would give you all the money in my pocket for this, Bleach writers, but NO.

Kazeshini tries to talk the baby into going off and getting a job or something, but that doesn’t work. He tries to abandon it and... fails, I guess. He goes back to the cliff where the other zanpakutou show up to laugh at him and refuse to help, as well they should.

The baby cries because Kazeshini won’t let him touch his scythe thingies, so Kazeshini let’s him touch them. a) of all, this is not how parenting works, Kazeshini, and b) why does Kubo/whoever wrote this episode think babies love sharp objects, because this is exactly how the scene where Zaraki meets Yachiru goes. I have had babies. Do not get me wrong, babies love things they can hurt themselves with, mine particularly loved power cables, but I do not think they are generally interested in weaponry, but then again, this is Bleach, so it’s probably just a sign that this kid is going to grow up and be a Soul Reaper. I think this is the part of the episode where I started speculating where the baby would get his ‘69′ tattoo, because clearly, the cycle continues, and my husband made me shut up because he didn’t want to think about it, but search your heart, you know it’s truuuuuuuuue. If they ever do a Bleach Next Generation series, this kid better show up and he better have that tatt.

The baby pees on Kazeshini.

There’s a montage of the baby further harshing Kazeshini’s Hisagi-bothering lifestyle.

Then, Kira tells Hisagi that “there’s a rumor going around the zanpakutou about yours.” Why are the zanpakutou telling Kira their rumors. Do Kira and Wabisuke hang out? I mean, all of these takes place within, like, 2 hours, I think? While everyone’s on a mission? I don’t care, now I’m just mad that we got robbed of a Kira & Wabisuke episode where they listened to a bunch of The Cure together and made a poetry chapbook.

Kazeshini really, really wants to fight Hisagi at this point, but the baby has fallen asleep. He tries to leave it on a roof, but the baby rolls off the roof. Maybe it’s because I have kids, I dunno, but none of these antics are really funny to me, they’re just dumb. Literally, why doesn’t he just leave it on the ground?? All of these jokes revolve around him being an idiot and not caring about the baby, but he could have not just taken it in the first place. (there’s one point where he does try to hook it on a tree branch and that was funny, because we always talked about putting hooks on the wall that we could hang the babies on, just, like, for a minute, they would have loved it). Anyway, he spots a shed on the edge of town and decides that would be the perfect spot to abandon a baby while he murders his master.

Fight time! God, I love a Scooby Doo sequence where you have different characters running up and down streets and in and out of doorways, and there is a delightful one of Iba, Ikkaku, Kira and Hisagi fighting sword beasts. I cannot believe I am more delighted by the lieutenant parts of this episode than the Kazeshini parts, but that’s just who I am now.

We actually get to see some competent Hisagi fighting. Kazeshini is about to jump in and mess him up again, but the baby starts crying back in the shed. (it’s so far away??? How does he even hear it???)  I guess he cares now, so he runs back to go get his kid. In the meantime, a nice lady has found the baby and is attempting to comfort it, except that the moment Kazeshini slides into the doorway she... drops the baby? The baby is comforted by hugging Kazeshini’s pointy shoe, and Kazeshini realizes that perhaps this woman will be an incompetent enough parent to take over in his stead.

Oh no a sword beast attacks him from behind! I guess it’s the one I thought he killed earlier, because it says “Oh, it’s you, the Soul Reaper’s dog!” Kazeshini isn’t even good at murdering, wtf? This episode is dumb.

Anyway, Kazeshini stabs the sword beast, and it definitely dies this time. He has an intense moment of realization that saving people is almost as cool as murdering people, and tells the lady to take the baby and run. The baby cries while a very intense guitar chord plays.

Kazeshini finds Hisagi, who is killing the last of the sword beasts, and is like “Okay, I promise not to attack you from behind can we fight now?” The episode then goes full-bore D R A M A, where they say “Reap--!” at the same time and there’s a smash cut to T H E  S K Y  and a woman singing a lullaby with some haunting reverb and then it intersperses imagery of the woman comforting the crying baby in a field full of floating dandelion seeds and Kazeshini and Hisagi fighting. At this point, if the episode doesn’t end with them each dying on the ground, I am going to be deeply disappointed. (Spoiler: I am deeply disappointed).

There’s a pretty good death pinwheel-on-death pinwheel fight, although it’s short. Hisagi stans gotta take what they can get, I guess. Anyway, at least Kazeshini ends up lying in a pool of his own blood, where he mumbles “When I turn back into a regular zanpakutou... what will we fight for?” and Hisagi replies “We will fight to protect people” and Kazeshini makes this face:

This was the second funniest part of this episode.

He turns back into swords and that’s the end.

In canon, the bit about Hisagi fearing his own blades is an interesting bit of character building, that fits in nicely with his admiration of Tousen, and the fact that he’s a bit of an artsy, writer type. It builds up the idea that Soul Reapers are not just bloodthirsty warriors, but people with morals and concerns, that they fight to protect, just like Ichigo does.

This episode in no way contributes to that idea. It’s more like the writers say, “Hey, people love Grimmjow! Let’s make a yell-y guy who likes to kill people!” Why does Kazeshini want to murder so badly? Who hurt him? He’s part of Hisagi’s psyche, but why? Why are either of them like this? In my head, prior to this, I could think of Kazeshini as a disembodied voice encouraging the escalation of violence. Hisagi was weak and powerless as a child, and then, in one of his first command positions, had a group of underclassmen in his care brutally attacked and a friend killed. I can see him having urges to go to extremes-- to get revenge, to kill monsters before they can kill innocents, but he fears these urges within himself, he fears becoming a monster.

The way this filler arc portrays Kazeshini doesn’t fit. It doesn’t work. Kazeshini is just a dirtbag who wants to kill and attack from behind and then they give him a baby and they don’t even have anything interesting to say about any of this. It’s honestly just disappointing. That’s right. I’m disappointed in you, Bleach Filler Episode about Kazeshini Toting a Baby Around. C-. It’s not quite the level of disappointment I had over the one where Renji blew up Urahara’s van, but Hisagi fans really don’t get thrown a lot of bones, and they deserve better than this.

Oh, and then in the next episode voiceover, Wabisuke theorizes that the baby was Kazeshini’s lovechild. We definitely do not have time unpack all that, so let’s end it here.

[purrincess-chat]

In your opinion, what are all the things that ML writers could do to fix the show and make it better?

Oh, Lord, how much time do you have?

I don’t even know how to begin gathering my thoughts for this, so if this ends up being a big incoherent brain dump then, uh, I’m sorry. XD

So, first and foremost I guess, they need to balance their main characters better. Why is all of the plot tied to Adrien? Why does Adrien have a more fleshed out backstory than Marinette? This is supposed to be a girl power show, and yet it revolves more around the boy’s life from the girl’s perspective basically. Marinette really doesn’t have a dog in that fight outside of the fact that she was asked. 

Marinette needs some kind of tie into the plot that doesn’t revolve around her love interest which is basically all they are willing to give her in this show. Everything about her has to relate back to the boy somehow, and if girl power is their message, then they are kind of defeating the purpose. Sure, they have episodes that are supposed to depict that the girl doesn’t need the boy, but then when you pile on top of that dozens of other instances where she gets pushed aside in favor of the boy, including words coming out of the creator’s own mouth (or off of his two thumbs onto a screen) then it doesn’t exactly hold the same weight. 

If your protagonist doesn’t have a tie into the plot, then why are they the protagonist? Take other shows, for instance: Avatar: the Last Airbender, Aang is the avatar and it’s his destiny to keep the balance in the world, She-ra, Adora was destined to become She-ra, it’s in her blood. But you have Marinette who is Ladybug because….the greater good? Some fairy sprite bug thing asked her to be? 

The villain isn’t personal for her, there is no mark of destiny that deems that she must be a hero, she’s just kind of there. Even her family barely gets fleshed out in comparison to Adrien’s. I mean, her parents are just blindly supportive of her meanwhile Adrien’s mom is in a magical coma, his father is cold, distant, and neglectful, which for some reason turns his assistant on and makes her want to sacrifice her fucking health even though Gabriel looks like a dried up soft pretzel. They canceled the special where we were supposed to learn about Marinette’s family, and I think that about sums up my point.

Secondly, I think they need to abandon the idea that Adrien is perfect because it’s not doing his character any favors. Thomas is so far up his ass about Adrien being a perfect example to boys that he has actually looped back around and made Adrien a poor example to boys. He gets away with all of his bad behavior because Thomas just covers his eyes if you call it bad behavior, he refuses to take no for an answer from the girl he likes, he thinks standing up for yourself is being unkind to the other person regardless of how unkind they are being to you, he conveniently turns a blind eye to the abuse of his friends, but god help you if you try to assert yourself against your aggressor because “you should just be nice to them and eventually they’ll change” like um, and maybe they won’t, in the mean time, I don’t want to put up with their bullshit! 

By insisting on this perfect image, they prevent Adrien from growing because you can’t improve perfect. I have said it before numerous times, but Adrien reeks of amateur fanfiction author’s self-insert OC. He’s described as being perfect, he’s good at a lot of activities just because, he’s wildly attractive, charming, smooth, can generally do no wrong, everything revolves around him, the narrative is constructed in a way that usually puts him above the everyone else. The fact that more people don’t realize that, especially the creator himself, is laughable. 

“But Cat, Chat Noir gets mind-controlled and thrown around and is goofy and-” Okay, but when Chat throws a tantrum about Ladybug not returning his feelings, who apologizes sincerely? Who is painted as being wrong in that situation? When Chloe puts a train full of people in danger just to play hero for a day, who does he scold? And of the two, who does the fandom adore more? Bonus: who do the Chibi specials revolve around and pity? 

Thirdly, they need to actually delve into shit more. It’s season 3, they’ve only been greenlit for 2 more seasons, and what plot do we have? Gabriel wants to bring his wife back from her magical coma, Master Fu messed up something in the past that led to two Miraculouses being lost as well as their temple to be destroyed where presumably everyone else but him died making him the last member of that magical society. That’s it. We don’t know how Emilie got to be the way she is. We have suspicions, but nothing explicit in canon yet. Same with Fu. We don’t know what his mistake was, only that he made one. We barely know any lore about the Miraculouses, the origins, how they were made, when they started working with humans, why they were created. 

If you want my honest opinion, with how slowly they’re dragging out this Agreste plot, they could have accomplished it in two seasons if they actually made every episode count and mean something. We get like maybe 1-2 minutes of actual plot relevant information once every few episodes, if that, and sometimes that “plot relevant information” is just the villain learning that there’s a guardian. Hang onto your asses, guys, they’re really laying it on thick for us. 

Seriously, they give us breadcrumbs of plot, and they don’t even go into any of the cool shit (like fucking Master Fu and his ancient magical fight club perhaps??) because obviously the villain’s assistant being in love with him despite the fact that he’s married, has a kid, and is doing all of this to resurrect his comatose wife whom he loves and devotes everything to is WAY more interesting and important than all that froufrou magical ass Chinese bullshit, right? Like, this show has all of this Chinese lore and a biracial lead, and they still somehow manage to make it all about white people. but ya know, the French are proud of themselves I guess

Fourth, chunk the status quoyo out the fucking window. I get that this decision may not have been the writing team’s, but in fact a higher up decision, but it’s still a stupid ass decision. For a show that is trying to introduce deeper plot, you cannot progress anything if you constantly have to set everything back to the way it was at the end of the episode, and that much is evident. The relationships are getting stale, characters aren’t developing, plot is moving at a snail’s pace, all because they are so bound by this idea that everything needs to be right in the end to maintain an episodic format. If they wanted to keep the series episodic, they shouldn’t have gone in for all of this lore and backstory that they say exists, but never tell us what it is because that just leaves a lot of people unsatisfied. 

Fifth, for the love of god learn how to write dynamic characters. Not everyone needs to be dynamic, but your main cast should probably be. Adrien, I love him to bits, but he is static as all fuck. Which, again, see point number 2. One of the biggest complaints floating around about Stormy Weather 2 is that the characters haven’t changed. With the exception of Marinette, none of the other characters have really learned anything. Adrien hasn’t, Nathalie doesn’t have enough focus to learn shit, Nino and Alya really haven’t, Chloe sure as hell hasn’t, and Gabriel can’t decide if he’s an abusive piece of shit or a sympathetic, heart broken sad man, so I barely count him. 

In fact, 3 of those characters’ “development” just revolves around being in love. Nathalie’s “change” is that she for some reason wants to fuck Gabriel (I guess the whole gray-ass pompadour, candy cane aesthetic really does it for her), and then Alya and Nino’s “change” is that they fuck love each other now which them being a couple has basically just become their entire character. They’re barely separate anymore, particularly in Nino’s case more than Alya’s. I’m sure that Chloe’s bit about having changed juxtaposed with flashbacks of her not being nice coupled with how she wasn’t nice in this episode was just for humor because they like to make the point that mean people will never change, but for some reason they still feel the need to teach the protagonist a lesson about being nice to mean people so that they can change, but they don’t do that, they just think that you should keep hoping. :) :) :)

I honestly think that the writers don’t know what “character development” means, and Stormy Weather 2 was just proof of that. All they did was show that the characters have been in a number of different situations, but none of them have really learned anything or grown from those situations, so it’s kind of a weak argument to say that they’ve changed when they’re all intrinsically the same. Except for Marinette because she is constantly the writing teams’ punching bag in all of these morals of the day cause can’t teach shit to perfect boy cause he’s perfect, but of course they don’t reflect on all of the lessons they forced her to learn, what are we, stupid? No, her only importance to the plot is the fact that she loves the boy that the plot really focuses on, so of course her only significant development of character is that she can talk to him sometimes without foaming at the mouth. Not a peep on how she has learned to overcome her jealousy and hotheaded nature, gained confidence in herself, and learned to maturely accept when someone doesn’t return her feelings, a lesson that a lot of us wish good old perfect boy would fucking learn, but he can’t because he’s perfect. :) :) :)

Another part of the problem with characterization in this show, is that often times characters behave in such a way to push the moral of the day rather than giving them established characters. It’s why Alya only questions Marinette’s sources in Chameleon while she just lets Lila claim a bunch of wild shit without batting an eye because she only cares about journalistic integrity when she can use it to beat down her friend so she can learn a lesson about turning the other cheek. :) :) :)

Sixth, pick up a fucking romance novel every once in a while cause hot damn is their relationship progression a heaping pile of hot garbage. Their love drama is so forced and there’s no real development because of the #status quoyo because they must drag this shit on until we’ve all basically lost interest. I’ve seen more people dropping off the love square in the last half season than I’ve ever seen in any other show. Part of that has to do with Adrien becoming a real “nice guy™” but a good chunk of it also has to do with the fact that they don’t really know how to write love drama or romantic tension in a way that makes you care. We all pretty much know that Adrien is never going to figure it out, even if someone grabs him by the shoulders and screams it in his face that Marinette is in love with him, so why should we care? We know that Chat Noir is never going to stop loving Ladybug, but Ladybug is never going to stop loving Adrien so why should we care? We know the show is never going to break the square because they’re endgame so why should we care about the love rivals? 

Seriously, Captain Hardrock didn’t give me a reason to care about Luka or ship him with Marinette. I still stand by my opinion that their chemistry was incredibly forced and inorganic, and it still is, and as much as I love Kagami, I wasn’t convinced that she was interested in Adrien at the end of Riposte either. The only reason we know Luka likes Marinette is because Winny said he “fell in love with her at first sight” on Twitter (which the whole love at first sight trope is bullshit, but that’s a post for another day). Somehow in Frozer Kagami was randomly into Adrien all of a sudden, and no one likes to bat an eye about the fact that she told him to change targets because the girl he likes doesn’t like him back and then at the end of the episode when Adrien admits that he still likes the other girl over Kagami, Kagami is all “well, it’s fine. I’ll wait.” like bitch, again on characterization. A strong and confident character like her would know her worth and would show that boy the door. But of course she would contradict herself because they need her for #love drama later even though we all know it doesn’t matter. 

I love the love square, and I live for soft moments between them, but I’m ready for them to turn up the heat and give me some actual drama and tension that doesn’t revolve around Chat being a pouty pissbaby or Marinette fucking up another love confession. Cause when you do that too many times, it stops being interesting. You have to throw us a bone somewhere or else we’re gonna stop caring, and lots of people already have.

Seventh, can we please stop pitting all of the girls against each other while the boys just get to be cool with each other? For a show that promotes itself as being a “girl power” show, there are a metric fuckton of misogynistic undertones to this show. See: why does the plot revolve around the boy even though the girl is the slated protagonist. See: why does the girl learn all the lessons while the boy gets to be right all the time. See: why two teenage girls are “the worst things I can think of” while an actual neglectful father gets to be sympathetic and “do anything for his family” uwu

Seriously, I think making Kagami and Marinette rivals while Luka and Adrien are just chill dudebros is so tired. Girls fighting over boys is tired, especially because we have it not once, not twice, but three fucking times in this show. Chloe and Marinette don’t often fight over Adrien, but in Despair Bear Chloe sure as hell didn’t want them dancing together. Marinette initially follows Lila because she’s hanging off of Adrien, and even at the end of Chameleon, Lila makes it known that she is still gonna try to steal Adrien. Kagami basically tells Marinette that she better stop hesitating or she is gonna steal Adrien away, and we have Backwarder where Marinette is basically plotting to cockblock them even though we had Frozer where she decided she wasn’t going to be jealous of them because Adrien liked her. Again, see: characters behaving in a way that is convenient for the plot of the episode. All of the drama is between girls. All of the women in this show are described as being terrible, the worst things they could think of, never going to stop being mean. Seriously. Chloe and Lila? Worst things Thomas can think of. Audrey is constantly shown intimidating her husband who is extremely corrupt himself, not that anyone bats an eye at that. Nathalie/Mayura was described by Jeremy as “making Hawkmoth look like a baby.” Any time they show a man being problematic, they have to bring in a female to be ten times worse, and the worst part is: they don’t even know they’re doing it. #girl power, am I right?

Eighth, speaking of making people bad, can we stop half-assing redemptions? Honestly, they’re so back and forth on whether or not they’re going to redeem Chloe. First it’s “mean people will never get a miraculous” then dingdong, who’s that? Queen Bee, motherfuckers. Then it’s talk about how they’re not going to redeem Chloe then bam bitch, “why don’t you love me?” But even after that they reset the status quoyo and have her go back to being mean. Even after they give her a second chance to be a hero and do good, she still goes right back to being her nasty self. I think they really highlighted in Stormy Weather 2 how much they haven’t changed her at all, and yet somehow she still gets to play the hero. 

Additionally, now we have them trying to make Gabriel sympathetic? Boo fucking hoo my wife is in a coma so I terrorize the fucking city on a daily basis, pity me! Also I neglect my son, verbally abuse him from time to time, and I don’t even let him see his friends or feel any happiness, and even though my superpower revolves around feeling people’s negative emotions, I never seem to care about my own son’s unhappiness, but hey, I’m doing it for his mommy, so that makes me better than the 14 year old girl. :D

Shit or get off the pot, Zag. Either you’re going to redeem these characters, or you’re going to leave them the way they are. Make up your damn mind.

Ninth, be diverse in more than name only. For a show that prides itself on its biracial female lead and its ties to Chinese culture, uhh, they spend a lot of time focusing on not those things. I said it before, but they focus all of their plot attention on rich ass white people drama more than the vastly more interesting Chinese lore they have going on. Their black characters were paired together just cause, and their only real important quality now is that they love each other. Their ship is basically their character now, and we barely have a reason to root for them outside of the fact that they’re canon. They have such shallow relationship development that my feet wouldn’t get wet if I stood in a puddle of it. Can we have more on them, please? 

This show is diverse only on the surface. They use diversity as decoration then fill everything else with less interesting shit, and even then they get a lot of shit wrong. It drives one of my Asian friends nuts that Sabine’s neckline is facing the wrong direction. (for those unaware of what I mean, it should look like a y. hers is backwards) They use diversity to pat themselves on the back and say they are diverse, but they have no intention of doing anything meaningful with it. It’s just a gold sticker they wanted to give themselves to draw in an eastern market. It’s cheap, and several of us see through that shit. 

And last, but certainly not least: Shut the absolute fuck up on Twitter. Just shut the fuck up. Every time Thomas opens his mouth, he just pisses off more people or makes everything more convoluted. Shut the fuck up. Please. 

Now, I know a host of you are going to be like “buhhh, it’s a kid’s show, go outside, hur dur, I’m so smart and mature,” but like, honestly that’s a weak argument. Yes, Thomas’s audience is young now and they may not be able to see all of this shit, but when they get older and decide to go back and watch one of their favorite childhood cartoons, all of that shit is gonna come out. They’re not gonna be so naive forever, especially if our generation is raising them, and just because they can’t see all of this shit now, doesn’t mean that it’s not still there just because they don’t notice? That doesn’t make it any less problematic. One thing I love about several shows I used to watch as a kid is that they aged well. When I go back and watch them now as an adult, I find things that I missed as a kid that I appreciate now as an adult. I can’t say that the same is going to happen with Miraculous, especially in this day and age. 

Additionally, kids learn a lot through media. I never believed that I was any less than the boys growing up because I consumed a lot of media that taught me that, and going back and watching it over now, I still get that from those shows. Clearly, if you apply two ounces of logic to this show, it falls apart, and that’s not because it’s a kid’s show, it’s because it’s bad writing. I can always see what they are going for, but they always miss just a little bit. sometimes a lot

A lot of us complain because we are concerned with the message being spread to the next generation because those kids are going to grow up one day and be influenced by what they are consuming now. If we teach our girls that the perfect boy is going to chase after us no matter what we say to them and if we teach our boys that in order to be the perfect boy we have to continually chase after the girl until she says yes, how are those kids going to approach relationships? That mentality is actually something that we are trying to combat in the world. That mentality is why rape is so prevalent because we teach boys that they are entitled to a woman’s affection if they’re “nice” to them, and if she doesn’t give it to them, then she is wrong. 

Media has an impact on kids, whether we like to admit it or not. Yes, parents can still teach them, but sometimes things get into your subconscious and it can determine how you see yourself and the world. Lots of kids engage in make-believe play where they put themselves in that character’s shoes and play pretend. I just think it’s important to give them the right things to look up to. 

[hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger]

Spider-Gwen: Ghost Spider #4 Thoughts

 The very, very, very end of Spider-Geddon and...a surprisingly great issue!

Covering this comic is very strange for me because I’m coming at it from two places mentally speaking.

Firstly I’m jumping into the fourth and final tie in issue to an event comic having not read the prior three issues.

Secondly I’m jumping into Spider-Gwen, a series I abandoned long ago, back in volume 2 issue #10 to be precise, which was published over 2 years before this issue was. It also had an entirely different writer/artist team back then.

Frankly I picked this up purely because I knew Mayday and some RYV characters were going to be in it. In that regard the issue was rather pointless, they cameo and do little else.

However I’m actually glad I bothered with the comic all the same. I was expecting this to be fluff and filler at best. An insufferable worshipping of Gwen Stacy, as so many comics (including Spider-Gwen itself) was when Spider-Gwen got big back in 2014-2016.

To my delight that wasn’t the case.

I admit to being rather lost with some plot points such as Gwen having a symbiote (this was brought up in Spider-Geddon #2 but it was unexplained there too) and how exactly Gwen can transverse dimensions.

However the rest of the issue was mostly good. Now I read Secret Wars: Spider-Verse, Web Warriors and Spider-Geddon #0-5 but I didn’t read any other Spider-Gwen or Ghost Spider issues so to me Gwen’s sense of loss over Noir and Spidey-UK felt rather unearned and cheap. It wasn’t that I didn’t think she’s be upset over losing a comrade but the deep sense of loss and words towards little habits within their respective relationships didn’t ring true to me. However that may have come up in issues I didn’t read so I’m willing to be corrected on that.

But based upon my reading Gwen feeling as sad as she did was a bit of a stretch. I also felt the milking of Spidey-UK’s death from a reader point of view was questionable because...did anyone honestly love that character? Spider-Man Noir I can understand, he has a fanbase (and this issue hammered home how asinine a decision it was to kill him back at the start of this event) but Billy Braddock? Who cares really? He was used for some cheap pathos in Web Warriors and that was about it. Now that being said I did love the idea behind him being buried in Lady Spider’s dimension as she was English (although if memory serves that was never confirmed outright, she may have simply lived in 1800s New York). I did wonder where the Hell Lady Spider was throughout this event though.

The addressing of Noir’s death though was much more necessary and as stupid as it was to kill him I do give Marvel credit for having an issue which addresses that. His fans deserved at least that much, particularly I think the Noir/Felicia shippers who are undoubtedly out there. I also very much appreciated how May, MJ and Felicia had different reactions to his death respectively.

Another great thing was that the general addressing of grief, sadness and death in the issue felt respectful. It felt real even though as I said the specifics of Gwen’s relationship with Noir and Spidey-UK didn’t quite ring true. It’s like it would’ve been perfect dialogue and execution if used for another character’s death.  A small detail I especially  liked in this regard was Gwen’s drumming as a coping mechanism. One of my major complaints in Latour’s issues was how Gwen’s hobbies and passions were underused and underdeveloped. She was a drummer but that didn’t factor that much into the stories I read. So to see McGuire embrace that is as welcome as Miles’ artistic talents in ITSV.

Now I admit, those of you who recall my thoughts on Latour’s Spider-Gwen book might be calling me a hypocrite here. Because another of my frequent complaints was how doom and gloom and glum Gwen typically was in that series from the outset, yet here I’m praising that.

I think the distinction is this. Latour came out the gate defining Gwen as grieving and guilt ridden, reeling from a tragedy that happened an undisclosed amount of time ago (but still making with the yuks and gags). Not only was this tonal whiplash but it also was a shitty way to set up a new ongoing series. It began world building for Gwen in media-res of extenuating circumstances and circumstances which were incredibly derivative of Peter Parker.

Where McGuire succeeds in this issue is by having not only a distinctly different tragedy but also the benefit of this occurring both after Gwen’s world has been built up and in the aftermath of a huge event. It’s totally realistic and earned that there would be a mourning for fallen warriors after a war. It’d be disrespectful for that not to be the case; in fact it’s kind of disrespectful that that mourning happens in a tie-in issue not the main book!

By having this issue actually deal with the aftermath it re-contextualizes the prior issues of the event. Spider-Geddon as a whole was definitely a bloated poorly written inconsistent mess. But this issue as a coda treats it with the weight the main book never had. There is an emotional realism to the story even though we are dealing with something as wacky as inter-dimensional travel and totem vampires.

This emotional realism is pulled off so well you even feel a little something for Karn’s death, you even feel bad he died alone and so violently even though again, no one is a fan of that character. No one gives a shit about him.

Part of this realism comes from McGuire from this one issue apparently being an inherently better writer than Latour ever was, at least for Spider-Gwen. Latour in all this works I’ve read emphasises style, and wants you to ‘watch’ the story unfold rather than feel like you are right there with the characters. You can ‘see’ Spider-gwen is upset but McGuire takes you inside her head and writes her grief from the inside out. Latour might’ve used internal narration but he rarely pulled this off, probably because he was too busy making a clown show on the side with stupid ass Spider-Ham cameos, wacky humour about the Bodega Bandit or building up Evil Daredevil instead of you know, the ACTUAL main character.

His Spider-Gwen work felt a lot like watching things sort of just happened rather than experiencing things unfolding like in this issue.

What further enhances this story is the deliberate or accidental metatext behind the story. No I am not talking about how Stan Lee had recently died when the issue came out, though that did make me tear up thinking about it.

Gwen has been rebranded Ghost Spider (though her recap page doesn’t quite admit that weirdly) and this is an issue about Gwen dealing with ghosts, dealing with death, spreading the grim news as a reluctant messenger of death. That angle just works in this issue and if embraced would work brilliantly as a new element to the character to latch onto. In no small part because, as the issue itself acknowledges, Gwen Stacy’s legacy is inherently linked to death.

That might be admittedly a radical departure from the punk rock youth vibe the series began with, but not only was that rather squandered by Latour (with bullshit like Hipster Electro and Hipster Kraven the Hunter, go fuck yourself seriously!) but at the end of the day that vibe is perhaps rather...shallow...for an ongoing character...??????

Other elements of the issue I liked was the artwork. It’s not much like what Rodriguez was going, which was I admit very distinct and gave Spider-Gwen’s series a unique identity. But this art is still lovely and works very well for the subject matter. What is particularly nice was the different period outfits Gwen adopted as she made her travels through the multiverse. Also, though this isn’t strictly ‘art’ per se, the word balloons at Karn’s funeral have a cool moment where everyone speaks a salute to Karn and the combined word balloons look like a spider. That was just a cool touch.

My final note is that McGuire has one of the best Peter Parker moments I’ve seen in a long time, and considering the quality of Spencer’s run that is not damning with faint praise (as it would’ve been just over a year ago). In the scene Spider-Gwen and 616 Peter discuss Gwen needing some time off and Gwen asks if that is selfish. On the one hand this is a little bit derivative of Peter Parker, King of Guilt and Responsibility. On the other hand I guess most heroes would ask this of themselves. Peter Parker surprisingly gives a very mature answer.

Now this answer is very much in character and logical for Peter, but it’s also something too often writers neglect in favour of writing Peter in a repetitive manner that renders him a caricature. Peter acknowledges it is selfish but that that is not wrong, He says the world will always need saving but the heroes get to pick their battles and have to sometimes rest, that indeed they deserve it.

Though a mere moment in a story not about him McGuire writes a Peter Parker who truly feels like a mature adult, that feels like the Peter who is truly the sum of his experiences.

Were this teenage or college aged Peter he wouldn’t have been likely to say that. If it was friggin Slott’s Peter Parker definitely not (even though he’d have still gone to play with Miles in the park rather than do his actual job). But a Peter Parker who’s insanely experienced and knows his limits? Yes absolutely he’d know he’s entitled to down time and more importantly needs it. It’s demonstrative of how guilt is present in his character and yet is not the defining trait. Responsibility is, and there is a responsibility to himself. Spidey-UK even echoes such a sentiment earlier in the story.

So with all that said I must admit this issue was a tremendous triumph from where I’m standing, I’d recommend you read it and would go so far as to call it the best issue of Spider-Gwen I’ve ever read sans her debut.

Does it change my feelings for Spider-Geddon as a whole?

No, it still sucked and was still pointless beyond resurrecting MC2 Peter (which in my book makes it worth it, sorry Spidey Noir fans, I’m sure he’ll be back eventually) but this last issue took it out on an unquestionable high note.

[acrownforaking]

Infinity War: First Impressions

Needless to say, my ass will be back in the theatre soon to see Infinity War again -- perhaps several times -- but after one go-through, I’m gonna cover my initial thoughts and feelings about the movie. And hooBOY, I have a lot of them.

****SPOILERS****

The Good

Is this Thanos: The Movie? Yes, yes it is. But that’s not a bad thing. Aside from Josh Brolin’s fantastic performance, the writers really outdid themselves with this one. For a giant, purple nutsack from space, he is remarkably human, with understandable motives, that while incredibly misguided, are almost...noble? I never expected to walk out of Infinity War and find myself grappling with a philosophical struggle over whether the villain was right or not. Besides Loki, most Marvel villains are as generic and comic-booky as expected, but Thanos fucking shined in Infinity War. 

This should have been a mess. For all intents and purposes, Infinity War (MOST AMBITIOUS CROSSOVER EVENT IN HISTORY HER DE HER) was doomed from the start. Juggling five-times the amount of characters of the original Avengers, while creating a followable plot and introducing a new villain. Sure, we’ve been teased Thanos, but we didn’t really know anything about him. We just knew Grimace was coming, and he was gonna get the shinies, goddamnit. But somehow, everyone had a chance to speak and do something relevant, everyone mattered, in some way, and even though the plot was largely fragmented, broken off into several simultaneous stories, there was no confusion. I still can’t get over how something so massive was so cohesive, so streamlined.

Some people have complained about length, but I didn’t register that the movie pushed a three hour run time until I’d left. I was on the edge of my seat, laughing, or crying for the entire run. I was never bored, never wondered when a certain scene would end. I thoroughly enjoyed every second.

The humor was on point. The Russos took a lot of good cues from the Gunns and Taika, because the GOTG/Ragnorak hilarity was there, with the perfect comedic timing and memorable lines. “Thank you, sweet rabbit.” and “I am Steve Rogers!” will stick with me for a long time. Nothing beats Trash Panda, but this came very close.

They picked some unusual pairs for certain stories that turned out really well. 

The dynamic between Thor, Rocket, and Groot was great to watch, and even with Thor rolling with them, had a very distinct GOTG vibe to it. Also surprised by the depth of emotion in that scene between Thor and Rocket (you know the one), but after the tear-jerking brilliance of the Yondu/Rocket scene in GOTG2, I should’ve seen the heartbreak coming. 

Strange and Tony together was also fantastic. They’ve been compared endlessly since Doctor Strange was released, and to have two massive egos butting heads like that was something that I think was long awaited for many fans, and didn’t disappoint -- and it did show that yes, Strange is not a copy paste of Tony in a different universe. Strange remains pretty Machiavellian while Tony sees more intrinsic value in every human life. Even though they had similar “redemption arcs” in their separate movies, the contrast between the two of them was more on display than anything else, and I loved that.

Peter Quill and Thor. Need I say more?

Some of the sweeping space shots were awe-inspiring. I thought that the Valkyrie scene in Ragnorak was peak Marvel beauty, but Infinity War was absolutely gorgeous. 

Red Skull coming back was a really interesting twist.

Those mindless, Resident Evil style monsters that Thanos released in Wakanda were actually scary as shit, and it was a lot more interesting watching the Squad tear into those than say, the Ultron minions, or...basically any other generic evil thing they’ve fought, just because they were so mindless and vicious.

SQUIDWARD. Great small-time villain, and whoever did his voice acting killed it.

Tony and Pepper talking about having kids, the broken-up conversation on the space-ship...oh, it wounds me so...but it was fantastic writing. Grounding for Tony, certainly, reminding us that he’s settled into a pseudo-normal life since Civil War AND HE WANTS LITTLE TONYS AND PEPPERS AND YOU KNOW THAT WHEN HE THOUGHT HE WAS DYING THAT’S ALL HE WAS THINKING OF, HE WAS THINKING, NO, NO, THIS ISN’T RIGHT, PEPPER AND I ARE GONNA HAVE A BABY, WE’RE HAVING A BABY

Bruce really shined and it made me so happy, and I don’t have much to say on the subject other than I’m psyched he got the amount of screen-time that he did. I vastly prefer Bruce to the Hulk, and the comic relief of Bruce basically having Hulk ED was great. 

Yes, the end crushed me, of course. But I appreciated that so much was subverted, tropes, expectations, you name it -- they failed. The heroes failed and the casualties are incalculable. The villain goes home to rest and sit on his laurels while the heroes mourn their dead. How often does that happen in blockbuster cinema? What a breath of fresh air. (I STILL HATE YOU FOR PETER PARKER, MARVEL.)

Speaking of me hating Marvel for Peter: that scene was crushing. I started sobbing, and I heard a lot of crying from around the theatre. Just...”Mr. Stark, I don’t feel so good.” ... “No, no, I don’t want to go.” It tore me up inside unlike anything else I’ve ever seen in the MCU.

And so spoke the prophet Ned: “Holy shit, we’re all gonna die!” 

The Bad

While everybody shined at one point or another, there were some characters that were really thrust into the forefront in promos that in reality had very, very few scenes in the movie. Mainly, I’m talking about Bucky. He got a new arm, hugged Steve, swung Rocket around, and then died. I was hoping for more. 

There were a few interactions I was hoping to see but never got. Mainly: Tony and Bucky, Tony and Cap, Shuri and Tony, Shuri and Bucky. But there’s time for that yet, because let’s be real: ain’t none of these motherfuckers staying dead. Except for Loki, Heimdall, and Gamora. RIP.  

While the humor always made me laugh, there were a few misplaced moments that undercut the emotional weight of whatever had just happened. Drax standing there while Gamora asked Peter to kill her if it came down to it is the main thing that stands out in my mind as jarring.

I was a little underwhelmed when I found out that the Soul Gem was on some random planet, but that’s mainly because I was hoping that the “Heimdall has the Soul Gem” theory wasn’t going to be Jossed. 

It seems strange at this point that no one in the films has acknowledged any of the canon introduced in Agents of SHIELD, like the Inhumans, but truthfully, I complain about this because I just want Coulson to be in the films and for the original Avengers to know that he’s still alive.

NO HAWKEYE. AM ANGRY.

The Ugly

Some of the cinematography was...meh. Especially when they were fighting in Wakanda, there was a lot of shaky cam and random cuts that made the action pretty hard to follow. 

Nebula getting ripped apart. Ouch. 

I feel as though Thanos announcing himself by murdering Loki and Heimdall was a great way to establish how dangerous he was (along with beating the shit out of the Hulk) but WOW it was hard to see Loki die like that.

I...I get what they were trying to do with the forge...and, true, it was pretty cool, but holy shit, why did Peter Dinklage need to do that voice. It sounded forced and ridiculous. Any GOT fans remember Tyrion imitating his cousin Orson? That’s what Peter’s character sounded like THE ENTIRE TIME. I couldn’t take him seriously. I get that they were probably trying to distance this character (I can’t remember his name) from Tyrion, but for the love of God, why not just let him do his American voice, then? Or just his Tyrion voice, because most people see Tyrion when they look at him anyway and that can’t be avoided sometimes. 

I’ll probably have even more to say about Infinity War once I’ve digested it a bit, but TL:DR -- this is one of the best films in the MCU. Possibly the best. My expectations were subverted and it was better than I ever dreamed it could be...so if you haven’t seen it, you need to!

[its-just-like-the-movies]

XX (17, B)

There’s something about XX, the four-part horror anthology that just popped up on Netflix, that feels hard to talk about. It’s not as though the material is unapproachable, or poorly made, or even mostly enjoyable. Hell, it was one of the titles I was most excited about coming out of Sundance, not just for the premise but for the directorial debut of musical fave St. Vincent aka Annie Clark, her leading lady Melanie Lynskey, and the follow-up feature of Karyn Kusama after 2016’s The Invitation, easily the best American horror film that year. As much as most great horror films have female leads, rarely are they made by women, and the idea of four interconnected stories coming from an exclusively female point of view was so enticing I watched it as soon as I realized it was streaming online. Yes, it’s uneven, as all interesting horror anthologies are, but the connective tissue is missing, and at some level all four seem underserved by their time constraints. This doesn’t stop the best features from being entertaining - incidentally, the best ones are by Clark and Kusama, with strong leading performances from Lynskey and Christina Kirk - but even their potency feels primed for more time to explore their protagonist’s dilemmas and flesh out the narrative. Consequently, the weaker first and third features feel even more stifled and underdeveloped than another five minutes would’ve allowed. Like the film, I’ll be dividing the review up into four segments, for the sake of being cute about it, with small intermissions to mention cool yet pretty unrelated stuff that, nevertheless, is still in the film. And now, without further ado, let’s begin.

Maybe it’s unavoidable at this point in time and media history to not think just the teeniest bit about American Horror Story when thinking about horror anthologies, but what gave me the strongest - perhaps the only - reminder of anything AHS has attempted was the stop-motion vignettes that separate each short film with the goings on of several monstrous doll houses with ports for porcelain doll faces. Other living toys flit about, along with teeth, an apple, other random objects, all existing in some sunlit, white-paint attic. Crafted by Sofia Carillo, it might be stretch to say that any one segment comments on the upcoming story so much as setting a tone or suggesting a narrative trajectory, but they’re all fun to watch and fairly inventive.

Doing us the kind grace of opening with its weakest story, Jovanka Vuckovic’s The Box doesn’t seem to have a strong enough hand on its own story. A young mother is helpless to watch as her son, then her daughter, then her husband all fall victim to some mysterious spell that makes each one happily unwilling to eat anything, even as it kills them. Her inactivity, evolving from an unconcerned assumption everything will work out to a state of resigned acceptance that everyone around her is doomed, is never given a proper explanation from the script or actress Natalie Brown. I’ve read reviews suggesting this is inspired from some Stepfordian symptom to act as though everything is fine when it clearly isn’t, but Brown doesn’t seem to be playing denial so much as she is the flippancy of someone who thinks their problems will work out even if an immediate solution isn’t in front of them. Her husband’s accusation that she doesn’t care that their children aren’t eating should ring falser than it does - hell, make her blatantly happy her family is practically finishing themselves off of you want - but instead it feels off because we have no idea what this woman is thinking. A dream sequence where her family finally eats a horrific meal feels cheap not because of any unearned shock value, it just feels like wasted potential. Even the closing narration suggests a slightly more interesting film waiting in the wings, as the woman tries to track down the man with the box in the hopes of being like them, of being with them. A mother’s exclusion from a bond the rest of her family share, as terrible as that bond is, for the sake of maintaining a semblance of normalcy, feels like it should pay off richer dividends than it does. I’ll give it credit for the combination of makeup and VFX that make the characters so emaciated, and how well it captures their gradual thinning out of existence, but this story has less meat on its bones than most of its characters. As is, The Box is easily the most weightless pick of the bunch, practically floating away next to the stronger styles and stories of the subsequent segments. Not just because those segments have something more to offer, but this has so little.

One question that feels obvious looking at this list of directors, and one that entered my mind pretty soon into The Box, was “Where is Jennifer Kent?”. The answer to that, according to her Wikipedia page, is that she is currently filming her next project, The Nightingale, about a young convict trekking to find the soldier who murdered her family in 1820’s colonial Tasmania. Kent herself said she received floods of offers from the United States after The Babadook premiered, instead focusing on doing more of her own work. I admire her resilience, and that XX chose to stick primarily with newer writers-directors (Kusama being far and away the exception, this being her sixth film and having about a dozen TV directing jobs to her credit), Still, her absence her feels like a lost opportunity, if only for us.

From its weakest story XX hops to easily my favorite of the segments, Annie Clark’s The Birthday Party. Set in the tone of high farce, we immediately learn the tone of the story as Clark’s opening close-up of some blue fabric turns out to be the wrinkles and folds of the nightgown covering Melanie Lynskey’s ass. Lynskey, game and hilariously neurotic from the word go, wakes up to find out that her husband arrived home early in the middle of the night, died at his desk, and, worst of all, did so the day of their adopted daughter’s seventh birthday party. It is this want to give their child the perfect party that inspires Lynskey to desperately try and hide the body rather than calling the police and harshing everyone’s vibe by telling her daughter than her father is dead. I still can’t exactly figure why Lynskey’s Mary didn’t try and prop him in the closet of his office, though it did seem like a cramped fit. Clark’s debut outing synthesizes everything so idiosyncratically delightful about her music and her persona into the presentation of the film. Mary looks out of place in her own home, with her torn robe sleeve and messy hair surrounded by hopeless gauche grasps at sophistication that seem to work for her friends. Even her severely styled maid looks more appropriate in the place than Mary does. Clark’s score also keeps the proceedings on edge, and she knows how to wield sound (of course she does) to tremendous effect, turning a child’s excited “Boo!” into a genuine jump scare by dialing up the single loudest sound bite in the whole film, and somehow making this as funny as a satisfied wink effect to commemorate the deal between Mary and a panda bear. Lynskey herself is instrumental to Clark’s success, dialing up the character’s anxiety and being able to play the whole thing for laughs without mugging in the slightest, and still finding room for emotionally beats with her daughter and her dead husband. By the end of it all she’s too tired to carry the damn corpse, hoping to hide it in plain sight, unable to stop what’s coming and finding the perfect face of exhaustion and resignation. I suppose the tone makes The Birthday Party more morbidly absurd than an outright horror movie the way that the other three segments are, but Clark and Lynskey by far craft the most singular and innovative segment of the bunch, standing out not just for its lightness but because, moment to moment, I couldn’t guess what happens next the way I could for better (in Kusama’s segment) or worse (in the other two) throughout the rest of the quartet. Clark also displays a real sense of humor in her art direction, the hilarious costumes of the children and some of the equally odd outfits and hairstyles of the parents. Two of the best props are objects Mary fusses with at the beginning, one that’s vaguely crescent moonish, the other horrifically familiar. “All she wanted was for her daughter to have a nice birthday and her jackass of a husband had to go and die.” my boyfriend said after watching it, and I agree with him wholeheartedly. It’s amazing that this is Lynskey’s second lovely performance of 2017, in another morbid comedy on Netflix that showcases her talent to great effect (the wonderful I Don’t Know How To Feel In This World Anymore). It’s just as amazing that this is only Annie Clark’s first directorial outing, so assured and confident within such an offbeat tone to operate in, let alone for this project. I’m excited to see more from them as soon as possible, and if it could possibly be together again, well, that’d be great too.

Here’s where I admit that, apart from Jennifer Kent, I really need to expand my knowledge of female voices in horror. Ana Lily Amirpour’s A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night and The Bad Batch, Kathryn Bigelow’s Near Dark, and Mary Harron’s American Psycho feels like the most obvious place to start, but I really don’t know who to look out for in terms of established or up-and-coming talents. I’ll be right in line with everyone else for Dee Rees’ recently announced black lesbian horror film, and will happily look for whatever projects that are recommended to me. All filmmaking markets deserve to give more room to women filmmakers, but horror is almost as reliant as the rom-com or other stereotypically “female” genres on having compelling women in front of the camera, and by god is it time to have more compelling women behind the camera too. Especially if this genre is going to keep packaging itself using stories that are mainly exclusive to cis women’s experiences. 

Don’t Fall, written and directed by Roxanne Benjamin (who also helped write The Birthday Party), feels like an outlier among the four films. Gone is any idea about female horror rooted in motherhood, as is any idea rooted in a specifically female experience. It’s the most conventional of the stories, the one that feels the most like the opening to a film we aren’t allowed to see the rest of. I don’t mean conventional in any bad way, but as scary as Don’t Fall is, its style feels the most generic, its ideas vague. Look, the creature makeup was great and I enjoyed the camaraderie between the four friends. As little as she had to do, it’s always nice to see The Final Girls’ Angela Timbur, playing the lesbian girlfriend of the lead, no less. But there’s not much here to separate it from the opening of a pretty solid Syfy Original Movie, and I don’t have as great a sense of what’s unique about Benjamin’s directorial style as I do of Clark’s, Kusama’s, and maybe even Vuckovic’s stifled and slightly dread-filled atmosphere. That being said, there’s not a thing that’s bad about Don’t Fall. You feel the anxiety of Breeda Wool’s Gretchen, her unease not just with camping but with camping at this specific location, the way she does and doesn’t get along with the friends she’s traveling with. Benjamin finds a solid tone that works in a more naturalistic style that still accommodates a lot of hand-tipping. The depiction of the beast that possesses her is creepy, her rampage is terrifying, and the ending is genuinely scary. It’s the most straightforward of the segments to watch, Benjamin building it too sturdily to dissipate like The Box does without any of the singularities that make The Birthday Party or Her Only Living Son so fascinating. You won’t have a bad time, but the ways it doesn’t click with the other three segments makes me wish it had conformed with the others more, or that one of them (perhaps The Box) had shifted away from a specifically maternal point of view. Other reviews seem to put Don’t Fall as the most widely approved of the segments, usually not anyone’s favorite but one everyone seems fond of. And as much as I agree with these takes, I wish it had some kind of oomph to it to make it as specific as the others.

While we’re on the subject of female voices in horror, since so many horror films specifically revolved around female neuroses already, what’s to stop us from getting Lynn Ramsay’s Rosemary’s Baby? Or Karyn Kusama’s Stepford Wives? Or a female interpretation of any other paranoid, profound auteur project that use women as vessels for their ideas? Sophia Takal’s Always Shine has already been compared to a modern-day kind of Persona, and Emily Yoshida’s recent article about the male terror and fascination of women alone together brings up the very good point that, as wonderful as many of those films have been, there’s a remarkable lack of persona-swap films starring and made by women. It’s one thing to have an actress’s voice for your words, rewriting dialogue and contributing character details, it’s another to have a director’s voice making the material authentically female from the start. Perhaps this is the same thing I was talking about in the previous intermediary paragraph in a different key, but films about women’s pain and women’s terror are so often the subject of male auteurs. In this day of the remake, even if many of these films are classics (albeit classics already possessing shitty sequels or remakes), why not let a female director take a stab at a woman’s story? Men have plenty of thoughts about what it means to be a woman, the performativeness of “being” a woman in many contexts, yet actual female voices on the subject of being a woman feel sparse. Let them do it. Come on guys. Just let women tell their own stories. 

Karyn Kusama’s Her Only Living Son stands out among XX’s segments, not just for having the most interesting of the titles, but for grafting itself connective tissue to an already existing classic. Putting us in the headspace of Rosemary’s Baby isn’t Kusama tipping her hand so much as letting her cards bleed all over us, allowing her segment to accumulate narrative dread through the friction between Christina Kirk’s Cora and her son Andy, played by Heath Ledger look-alike Kyle Allen, as the film barrels towards an inevitable confrontation. Tension accrues between Cora and the other increasingly odd adults in her life, so reverent of Andy, and her knowledge of his own violent outbursts and shifting physiology. Kusama overwhelms the film with dread, perhaps overbearingly so, and I wonder how much power it gains through associating itself with one of the best horror films of all time. It’s not as though the film doesn’t stumble a little, mainly in a suspicion-confirming conversation with mailman Mike Doyle that escalates into a personal reverie towards an unseen but increasingly felt presence. Thankfully, Kusama finds textures in Cora’s seeming overprotectiveness and Andy’s vicious isolation from his mother, making both more interesting than they might have been. Their final conversation is poignant and heartbreaking, as Cora reveals the circumstances of Andy’s birth and their nomadic lifestyle. She stakes as powerful a claim on Andy as his father, and their last acts are as visceral a bond of mother-son love and codependence as some of the most interesting scenes in The Babadook. And yet, for all the power of the segment, Her Only Living Son feels the most cramped into its running time. Unsettling encounters with the mailman and the principal of Andy’s school seem to tip their hand too much for the degree of uncertainty (denial?) that hovers over the film. It’s the only film crying out for a longer middle than a longer ending, and one I would happily sit through. As is, even if it’s flawed, Kusama’s power is as palpable in Her Only Living Son as it is in The Invitation, and I’m more than ready to see what the next unsettling spectacle is she’s going to put us through.

I don’t quite know what to make of the final stop-motion segment, where the demonic dollhouse that’s been the star of these vignettes brings a human girl to life. It feels even less connected to any of the stories than the previous one, though its power in mood and craft still hold. When thinking about XX, they’re a delightful diversion but not really worth discussion. Their delightful diversionary status is undeniable, but I wished they had narrative cohesion even between the other animated segments.

 As a collective, I like a lot that XX has to offer even as I find plenty to quibble with on individual levels. The Box is too insubstantial, Don’t Fall too generic, Her Only Living Son too compressed, but each one boasts significant virtues - a strong sense of mood, a compelling story, sheer filmmaking and emotional force. The Birthday Party feels like the only segment that finds the right amount of story for its time limit, boasting a unique tone and texture, with a strong central performance to boot. All the disparities between the segments only make it more interesting to talk about and read about, and I’ve enjoyed seeing what resonates with reviewers for them to pick it as their favorite. Tommy’s favorites are the second and third segments, and mine are the second and fourth. I’ve seen commenters and articles praising all four films across various publications, and that makes the whole only more fascinating to me. The variance of opinion is almost as interesting in the variance of approaches XX gives us, and if I’ve singled out particular enthusiasm for Clark and Kusama’s segments, I’d be delighted to see a feature film from any of these gals. Each segment more than lays the foundation for longer, equally interesting films, headlined by imaginative directors working with committed actresses. That’s a solid hook for me in any genre, but when that imagination is let loose in such a strange, fascinating genre, I’m ready for anything they want to throw at me.

[robbyrise]

RANGERS REBORN.

So good it makes me wanna type away like i used to. 

Just got back from my first viewing of the Power Rangers and i’m glad to announce I am very satisfied with what was put on the big screen. Like most movies i didn’t have any crazy expectations for the film, just minor details here and there like the story going its own route to make it different and unique from the original show but still keeping true to its essence.

My only worry for this reincarnation of a great past time from my childhood would be the fact that the old shows (and even first 2 movies) were just so corny, so bad yet so good. Trust me, there are times when i come across clips and what have you, from the old shows that make me cringe when i realized how lame and corny it was. How could they possibly make this movie NOT corny? 

Why and how was i so drawn to this kind of entertainment? The power rangers taught me a sense of unity and it was probably what opened my eyes to being a part of and trusting your team (besides the Knicks). My favorite color back then was blue, so naturally Billy was my favorite ranger despite being the total opposite of his personality. 

If you’re a true fan, if you were there from the beginning till maybe the 3rd-4th generation of Rangers, and you don’t have high expectations of the new movie, you will probably find yourself feeling so much nostalgia from your childhood and it will open your eyes to how much the first group really made you appreciate the essence of wanting to become a power ranger. 

This is as far as I’ll go in regards to not spoiling anything. So if you haven’t seen it yet and plan on seeing it and don’t want me to ruin anything, stop reading here and come back later after you see it. If you don’t care and just want to keep reading because you’re bored, by all means go for it, just don’t say i didn’t warn you.

*SPOILERS*

The fact that they changed the story a little bit was already an indicator that i did the right thing in not wanting to expect anything from the movie that would impress me or even predict. Don't ask me how i remember this, but if i recall, the very first episode of the power rangers season 1 has something to do with a dumpster. Dumpster day or something. I don’t know, i just remember reading it, yes i could (somewhat) read at 5-6 years old. I remember Alpha and Zordon were already established in their ‘Command Center” and sensed Rita Repulsa’s escape from captivity. Want to know how she escaped? Go watch the original ORIGINAL intro of the series and you’ll see astronauts pushing over the lid of a genie stove top releasing the alien witch. The movie has her as a FORMER RANGER, the GREEN RANGER to be exact. Some will think it’s lame, i thought it was cool and acceptable. 

Recruiting. 

How the movie’s story pits the potential rangers together is a testament to the original series and how Zordon ordered Alpha to recruit “individuals with attitude.” The new teenagers portraying our beloved Jason, Zack, Billy, Trini, and Kimberly were all somewhat trouble makers/rebels. All of them rebels in their own right. All of them having something deep inside that could only brought out about themselves through each other, something we could really appreciate with the original rangers. 

Morphers? 

Remember it’s morphin time? And BOOM, out comes the morphers that EVERYBODY HAD AS A KID, well, almost everybody, and the rangers TRIBEAMED their transformation into rangers and the awesome theme came on and you know shit’s about to go down. I appreciate the fact that they really displayed these ‘rebels’ having a dark side to their personality and using the good inside them to be their source and spark to their armor.  Five strangers becoming friends and willing to do whatever they had to do for the greater good of their town. 

The Zeo crystals. 

I didn’t realize the importance of the crystals on the show until the Zeo rangers came about (potentially setting up a new franchise). It was referenced on the show numerous times as well. But what granted our rangers their powers were their crystals, or on the show the gold coins with their Zord animals on them.

OH, don’t worry, i’ll get to the Zords. The movie gives us a better perspective of how these teenagers with attitude came about and ‘trained’ as Rangers to defeat Rita. The show pretty much put them in suits and rangers like billy and Kim magically learned martial arts whereas Jason, Trini and Zack were already established martial artists. The new rangers were forced into training by Zordon and even Alpha. 

Backstories. 

The writers and producers did just enough to cover each character’s lives leading up to their discovery of the power coins crystal things. All well enough for them to be unique and appreciated in their own right. Billy the nerd with some loner/awkward issues who’s father disappeared (passed away perhaps?), Zack being a wild rebel with a sick mother, Jason the star jock athlete with a desire for trouble and a disappointed father, Trini (pronounced Trin-E in the move, not Treen-e like the original show) who jumped schools every year because of you guessed it, being a rebel and then Kimberly, who had personal issues ‘not being a good friend’ i guess? She was a cheerleader also vs. the Kimberly from the 90′s that was a gymnast. 

ZORDS.

Again, i’ll reiterate, there were times when I realized the old show was corny as fuck. And yes, the old Zords, while being badass in their own right, were still corny... as fuck. They were literally just remote control toys that were zoomed in on by the camera to make it seem like they were huge robots on TV. HOWEVER. If you were to fuse a real life Gundam wing with a Beast Wars transformer, you’d probably get a Zord from the new movie. The massive robot reference to crushing Bumblebee was very poetic. I’m glad i had a good crowd because they laughed and applauded that. But these new Zords? I’d say they were pretty fuckin awesome. I just personally feel like they made those corny robots toys that were on screen, cool and transformer like. Just again, in their own unique power ranger way. 

TRUE ESSENCE.

I mentioned ‘essence’ earlier in this write up and that essence is something that could only be felt if you were part of the beginning. When the original rangers, despite being so cheesy and corny, made you want to be a ranger SO BAD. The concept of the power rangers teaches us the power of unity and what the team could accomplish if they worked together. They struggled to reach the full potential of their powers, almost 2 weeks even (11 days to be exact b/c thats when Alpha calculated Rita could strike). But they did to the expense of Billy who later on was revived by Zordon as Zordon realized it wasn’t his team to lead. Remember when Zordon was about to die in the 1st Mighty Morphin Power Rangers movie? the adorably HOT Kimberly at the time said, “You’re like a father to us all.” Zordon guiding the Rangers towards the right direction to reach their potential, and giving Billy the 2nd chance to live showed qualities of just that in being a father like figure to the rangers, something he’s very accustomed to in the show and previous movies. In the old show, there were PLENTY OF TIMES when the rangers “were at their doom” at the hands of Rita and Lord Zed, but they somehow ALWAYS found a way to win. 

I’ll give you a perfect example of true essence. When the rangers and their Zords were pushed to the edge and they had to ‘hold the line’? Their struggle vs Goldar. Man... seeing the commercials I KNEW that the Mega Zord was going to be formed and it was going to kick serious ass, but the moments leading up to that they were all ready to die TOGETHER? I’m not gunna lie, i had the same feeling form up in my feels when Woody and Buzz held onto their friends at the end of Toy Story 3 before the claw saved them (shouts to swag surfer). As the cinema Gods as my witness, NO MOVIE has made me feel that way since Toy Story 3, LEGIT, until the new power rangers because I KNEW WHAT THE OUTCOME WAS and yet there i was, sitting on my seat reminding myself, “wow... i haven’t felt this urgent sorrow for ANY GROUP OF CHARACTERS since toy story 3.” And then they fall into the pit and you hear the Zords forming and i get this huge relief and burden lifted off my shoulders and i applaud with the crowd thanking God the tears forming in my eyes didn’t stream out b/c that would've been really embarrassing. But yeah, i’m applauding, the crowd is applauding and Billy has that comic relief line of Mama Zord-Mega Zord and as they try to advance the entire Zord falls over. Well fcuking done. No really, they didn’t just magically download the program to operate a “65 million year old alien robot” in a few seconds to their brains, they actually taught themselves how to operate their respective body part that was formed by their Zord. Again, unity, team work, Power Rangers... WOOOOO!!!!!!

I’m still kind of in shock at how much i actually enjoyed this movie. And i think that’s due to the fact that the crowd i watched the movie with was probably one of the better crowds i had watched a movie with since i got to Washington. Really. The movie culture here isn’t as passionate as what we have in New York but anyway back to the movie.

Alpha 5 said his signature line 2x,the black guy is actually the blue ranger and the asian is the BLACK ranger, both the pink and yellow rangers are cute & hot AF, Rita made her monster grow and said her token line as well. There weren’t any communicators, there wasn’t a bulk or skull even though i think the bully in the movie was supposed to be one of them i’m not too sure. Mid credit scene = Thomas Oliver = Power Rangers 2. Speaking of Tommy, the actor and actress who played they original Tommy and original Kimberly cameos probably had the biggest applause of the movie. Boom. Might be a little too early to bring in Lord Zedd in the 2nd movie, MAYBE hint or reference him like Rita did in regards to the Zeo crystals.

Future?

The Power Rangers have a generation of fans that first started watching and admiring them at such young age that are now PROFESSIONALS, MARRIED AND WITH KIDS. Granted, the series has gone onto bumblefuck abyss because i obviously lost track of where the TV series has gone, that old generation could show their kids what they used to watch, and be like, “That movie that’s out? That’s a remake of the ORIGINAL rangers, the founding fore fathers of what you young maggots are watching now” kind of deal. 

I AM PRAYING that this generates enough revenue and popularity that they make a nice, LONG MOVIE SERIES because THERES SO MUCH potential. Maybe something Disney could look into working a deal with Saban b/c there’s just too much to let slip away. You got franchises like Fast and the Furious that’s gone off track from how great it was before the 4th/5th movies, but could somewhat catch up to and pass GI Joe (unless they actually cross over with, wait for it...), and maybe be half as good as the Transformer series (yes, GI Joe and Transformers could crossover, because they have in the comics). I look at transformers and think thats a good goal to strive for, because movie series like James Bond, LOTR, the Matrix, and Star Wars are just at an elite level. Then I see franchises like the Underworld, Resident Evil movies (sorry, i’m just not a fan of them) and Sharknado (IDK how and why people find those movies entertaining), and it gives me hope that the Power Rangers movie reboot could just be the thing we need in the movie industry to keep it interesting unless Japan and Hollywood could work something out to bring Gundam Wing to life. 

*CUE BLOG SOUNDTRACK ENDING CREDIT AND MOVIE RATING THEME = VAN HALEN - DREAMS*

ANYWAY. 9/10 Power Rangers. I’m going to see it again. WITHOUT A DOUBT.

Off topic final thought:

Where are my movie junkies at? This is off topic but i know you’d appreciate this. I had a dream... you ready? I had a dream, that Christopher Nolan, Steven Spielberg and George Lucas all worked together to make an American interpretation of Spirited Away with a movie score composed by Hanz Zimmer. Call me crazy, but i woke up and had mixed emotions about it.

[trendingnewsb]

5 Huge Celebrity Scandals The Entire Planet Got Wrong

The media has the amazing ability to shed light on terrible situations and stand by victims when no one else will. That or, you know, just point and laugh at them. Usually, the rest of us are too busy laughing along to notice this is happening, but if you look back, it’s painfully obvious. Here are five times the media came across someone who clearly needed help and said, “Yeah, but wouldn’t it be more helpful if we mocked the shit out of them?”

5

We Were All Obsessed With Diagnosing Charlie Sheen’s Exact Mental Illness (For Some Reason)

Back in 2011, people, websites, and media outlets of all political inclinations united for what seemed like a worthy cause at the time: making fun of Charlie Sheen. It got to the point where some lowly dick joke sites had to specifically ask their writers to avoid “Charlie Sheen is insane” zingers — it was far too easy. It all started when Sheen was canned from Two And A Half Men due to his erratic behavior, which led to a series of high-profile interviews wherein he attempted to explain that he was totally clean and sane. They, uh, didn’t go that way.

Hell, there’s still a weird corner of YouTube solely devoted to “Worst of Charlie Sheen” compilations. This auto-tuned one has over 60 million views:

One particularly notable line from Sheen’s interview with ABC News’ Andrea Canning (which is also highlighted heavily in the memes and songs) involved his mental state. Canning suggests that perhaps Sheen is bipolar, to which the star of Hot Shots! Part Deux replies that he’s simply “bi-winning.” And that’s where this starts to fall apart.

See, there’s a bad habit in the media to try to get mental health professionals to “diagnose” a famous person they’ve never met, which is very much against that field’s entire code of ethics. In a stunning display of sticking to their guns, psychiatrists are even refusing to diagnose President Trump from afar. So why was the media so hellbent on getting a diagnosis on the guy from some crappy sitcom? Time got specialists to analyze his speech to determine whether he was crazy or merely a drug addict. To this day, Dr. Drew is remarkably hung up on Sheen:

GoogleYou’d think someone with two “Dr”s in his name would know better.

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The media made it clear that figuring out what was wrong with Sheen was way more important than encouraging him to get help, which is a very different thing. Sheen admitted to Canning that he had no idea what bipolar disorder even meant, and Canning didn’t seem terribly informed herself (for future reference, it’s more complicated than being “on two ends of a spectrum,” as she put it). So after that whole kerfuffle, what did Sheen do? He organized a bipolar disorder awareness walk in Toronto, with funds going to a Canadian support group. Canning, meanwhile, only walked away as part of a meme.

4

Vanessa Hudgens Had To Apologize For Someone Else Leaking Her Nude Photos

When you’re a Disney child star, you’re expected to be a lot more than some kid who acts in movies and TV shows. You’re supposed to be a wholesome young chap or chapette who represents the family friendly values of the company, but also cool and desirable enough to decorate the walls of millions of horned-up teenagers. The perfect Disney star is equal parts sexy and virginal. And most importantly, they should never, ever be naked.

This is what made it such a big scandal in 2007 when someone leaked nude photos of High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens, who was 18 at the time. This was almost certainly a case of revenge porn, which is a crime most states prosecute today. But back in 2007? The media backlash centered not on the asswipe who did this, but on Hudgens herself, who had to issue an apology for … having nipples? Not being a vampire and showing up in photos?

At least Disney proved they had her back when they released a statement saying: “We hope she’s learned a valuable lesson.”

Frederick M. Brown/Getty ImagesAnd yet this degenerate is allowed to parade in public without pants.

It’s also kind of important to note the timeframe in which this happened. In 2007, as you surely remember, we were somewhere in the middle of the second season of Hannah Montana. Miley Cyrus had yet to smoke her first bowl and take a steaming dump all over everything Disney held dear. Lindsay Lohan was two years removed from Herbie: Fully Loaded, and her own problems were only getting started. The pressure on Hudgens was pretty bad, and all those indignant articles describing “saucy snapshots” which showed her in non-“ladylike” positions didn’t help.

Even stupider is that even when trying to “defend” her, the media still can’t help but crack a joke. Here’s HuffPo in 2013, six years later:

HuffPostNeither is reading HuffPo.

3

Nobody Took Chelsea Manning’s Transition Seriously

The existence of transgender people has historically been a source of headaches and inconvenience for the media. “What pronouns do we use? Do we refer to them by the gender they were assigned at birth or how they identify? Do we treat them as people, or as monsters to be derided and mocked? It’s all so complicated!”

So when Chelsea Manning was arrested in 2010, and later reports came out that she was transitioning, the media was confused, to say the least. Thing is, they shouldn’t have been. Manning explicitly said that her name was Chelsea and that she wanted to be referenced using female pronouns. It’s that easy. Nevertheless, practically every major newsroom in the country used masculine pronouns during much of the initial reporting — including outlets that already had rules about respecting transgender people’s wishes, like The New York Times and the Associated Press. Meanwhile, The Washington Post, in an impressive effort to avoid getting angry letters from any side, avoided pronouns altogether throughout an entire article.

On an even more stupid level, the terrible reporting was followed by articles about the terrible reporting which managed to be quite terrible themselves. Look at this stupid-ass headline:

TimeAnd whoever wrote this didn’t struggle enough.

There was a reason for disregarding Manning’s wishes other than ignorance or bigotry: money. Or at least clicks. Essentially, it came down to using key phrases in reporting — “Bradley Manning” was a household name, but Chelsea Manning was brand-new. Some grumpy news reader looking at CNN.com would have clicked on a new report about “Bradley,” but looked at the same story about “Chelsea” and not known who the hell that was, thereby not clicking. And if they don’t click, they won’t share the article via an all-caps Facebook post, and then where would we be?

2

Monica Lewinsky Was As Vilified As Bill Clinton, Despite The Obvious Power Imbalance

Under most circumstances, going from being a fresh-faced intern to the biggest name in politics within a few years would be a good thing. For Monica Lewinsky, unfortunately, it meant that her name became synonymous with a sex act that no one else had apparently performed before or since.

As soon as the media learned of Lewinsky’s affair with Bill Clinton, everybody across the political spectrum mocked her fairly harshly. Lewinsky jokes became a whole genre of comedy, especially for late-night talk show hosts like David Letterman.

CBS Television Studios

Even into the Bush presidency, Letterman still found time to make fun of Lewinsky. But why exactly did the American media think it was a good idea to rail on this young woman? Don’t get us wrong, making fun of Bill Clinton is totally fair, even necessary. He was the most powerful man in the world when the scandal happened, while Lewinsky was a 23-year-old intern who was barely out of college. Our military carries out orders from the president that they probably don’t agree with on a daily basis; do you think a young intern is going to have the fortitude to say “Sorry, just brushed my teeth” to the president of the United States? Him even asking for sexual favors was an abuse of power, but practically nobody covered the story that way.

After the scandal, Lewinsky was criticized for using her new celebrity status to make money, but she didn’t really have much of a choice there. Her career was ruined; people don’t generally get into politics in the hopes of one day selling a line of handbags. As much as she wanted to stay out of the spotlight, she’d been slapped with so many legal fees that she had to keep accepting every ridiculous offer that came her way. It was also really not cool that there were people seriously having discussions over whether or not Lewinsky references were “fair game” in the 2016 election. Everyone from Rosario Dawson to some rando Republican strategist in Florida had some kind of opinion on whether or not it was OK to drag Lewinsky’s name through the mud nearly 20 years after the fact when, again, it was not even Bill running for president.

1

The Media Pointed And Laughed At Britney Spears’ Mental Breakdown (And She’s Still Being Treated Poorly)

Man, 2007 was not a good time for anyone’s mental health. You may remember some of these headlines from your grocery store checkout lanes that year:

New York Daily News, New York Post, StarOh, but when Larry David gets the same hairdo, no one cares.

To recap, in 2007, Britney Spears was only 25 years old and on top of the goddamned world — or so we thought. After checking out of rehab, she decided that her hair extensions were too tight and asked her stylist to chop it all off. When the salon owner tried to talk her out of it, she grabbed some clippers and did the job herself. And because Spears was the type of celebrity who had paparazzi who would follow her off a bridge, the whole incident was caught on camera.

What did all of us do? We laughed. MTV, which could probably afford to serve caviar at the cafeteria thanks to her videos, let a clearly unprepared Spears lip-sync her way through an awkward, widely mocked VMAs performance. For a while there, “Britney Spears” replaced “Michael Jackson” as the punchline for every music industry joke. And inexplicably, the lone voice of reason in this whole debacle was a freaking viral video.

Vlogger Chris Crocker, better known as the “LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!” guy, was genuinely worried about Spears’ health and how everyone in the media was treating her when he recorded that video. His own mom had been struggling with some issues at the same time, and he was truly upset with the way people casually dismissed the mental health of women he looked up to in his life. So naturally, we started mocking the shit out of him, too.

Spears was eventually able to get some of the help she needed, but at the cost of having to put all of her money and future earnings into a “conservatorship” held by her father and an attorney. That’s the kind of thing you only do when grandma starts trying to deposit her cash in the microwave. Today, you could say that Spears has recovered reasonably well, what with her hit Las Vegas residency and critically acclaimed latest album … but she’s still not allowed to handle her own finances. Crocker needs to make a new video called “Let Britney Have A Debit Card.”

Isaac’s life is falling apart, but only on the inside. Follow him on Twitter anyway.

Charlie Sheen got really into “winning” in that whole period, and he put together his Winning Recipes cookbook after it.

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[tessatechaitea]

Green Lantern Loves Space Ghost #1

I hope this stars the talk show version of Space Ghost.

James Tynion IV is writing this issue so I bet it's more serious than it ought to be and it'll probably be full of comic book tropes and Space Ghost will come out as bisexual. The issue begins with a planet in some serious trouble. You know the kind of trouble planets get into in Green Lantern comic books! It's always serious and hardly ever humorous and wacky. Just once I'd like to read about a planet full of sentient penises having to deal with sentient vagina missionaries hellbent on getting the penises to worship their vaginal god. I mean, okay, fine. That's probably a metaphor for a lot of comic books. But I don't want to read it as metaphor! I want to look at pictures of talking vaginas!

So the weapon is a pen? Is that the big Twilight Zone twist? "He's got the only pen on this world and he's writing lies about us! Future generation will read those lies and think we were all jerks! And we can't get the pen away from him because he's locked himself in the bathroom! And we can't get the door off the hinges because the door swings inward! And we can't pick the lock because our greatest technological advancement (aside from the one really sweet pen!) was perfecting the unpickable bathroom door lock! We're doomed!"

I love to toot my own horn so let me say I probably just wrote a better story than whatever Tynion IV came up with. I just got to the page with the credits and I want to apologize to Christopher Sebela for not including him in my critique of the writing. I'm sure you've added nothing to this story that James Tynion IV didn't say, "I was already thinking of adding that! I know Scott Snyder!" I should really meet some of these writers before caricaturing them. Although I feel like I probably nailed Tynion IV. It's just too bad you can't hear, through the written text, the grating, whining voice I gave him. The first few pages are used to establish that the call for help is coming from a place outside of the known DC Universe. Page one is all, "We don't know where we are!" Page two is all, "I'm Hal Jordan and this is a new space and time dimension that I'd like to enjoy!" Page three is all, "I'm Salaak and I'm reminding you that this distress call is coming from uncharted space that we've never explored because it's outside our universe or even further!" Hopefully that's all the reminders this comic book gives us because even I'm not so stupid that I didn't get the message after rereading it all three times because I was sort of confused about where the message was coming from. Now that the location has been established, it's time for some action! Larfleeze makes an appearance, as does Space Ghost and Zorak. How did this comic book get so exciting so quickly?! Was it written by geniuses?! James and Christopher should take that last paragraph as a compliment because it's the nicest thing I'm bound to write today.

Especially if I have to wade through twenty pages of dialogue like this.

Although I wouldn't mind more art like this:

Is this the first time Green Lantern has made a light construct butt plug?

Green Lantern and Space Ghost crash on a planet outside of the known universe (yes, it's mentioned again). It's a planet full of either Robocops, Transformers, or Sentient AT-STs. It might also be a Battletech crossover but since the cover didn't mention Battletech in an effort to get the huge Battletech audience to pick up the comic book, I remain doubtful of that conclusion. The alien Hal winds up talking to (a regular humanoid alien because the robots are apparently just weaponized vehicles) tells his story and it sounds suspiciously like the plot of Life, The Universe, and Everything. Apparently Green Lantern and Space Ghost have crash landed on Krikkit. I could explain in greater detail but if you aren't familiar with The Hitchhiker series, why would I coddle you and your choice to remain ignorant of something so enjoyable? Although, to be fair and objective and other complimentary things that perhaps aren't completely true of me, Life, The Universe, and Everything was the worst book of the bunch. The Perterrans attack Hal because they can't have any evidence showing up on their planet that suggests there is more to the Perterran universe than simply Perterran.

I would have chosen Amanda Waller. But I guess that might be construed as racist or sexist or fattist.

Does anybody need to know my opinion on United Airlines and their behavior this week? No? You all know exactly what I would say already? Good. Thank you for paying attention so I can spend less time writing. Hal gets away so that he and Space Ghost can have a battle. Remember that thing I said about James Tynion IV relying on comic book tropes? Well, here we are with the good guys battling due to a misunderstanding! Only a few pages left before they realize the mistake and work together. I bet Christopher Sebela read the script and was all, "Maybe let's try something different?" And James Tynion IV was all, "Really?! You're going to question my writing! I did mention I know Scott Snyder, right?! Anyway, what do you think of all my great jokes?" And then Christopher was all, "There are jokes?" The two heroes wind up knocking each other out just as some kid named Keila and her robot on a leash (named P.E.T. because of course it is) enter the scene. She takes them away so that they can learn that they're on the same side and also become part of the rebellion, probably. So there's some stuff where everybody decides to get along so the plot can continue. Can we get some kind of Comic Book Consortium to set up official tropes so that comic book story space isn't wasted by them? So the first ten pages of this comic book could have been condensed into one panel that read "COMIC BOOK TROPE 1A." Then everybody goes, "Cool. Space Ghost and Green Lantern fought each other due to a misunderstanding and neither actually bested the other before they realized their mistake and began working together to find the real bad guy. Let's get to the story now!"

Oh no! This story isn't about a secluded planet cut off from the rest of the universe at all, is it?! It's a metaphor for human loneliness! NOOOOOOOO!

It turns out that this planet that speaks English (it must since Hal can understand the aliens without his ring) has only one major difference in their language: weapon means vehicle! They also have the word vehicle for vehicle which enables the alien to easily explain, "Weapon is our word for vehicle." Well, that sure will cause a lot of wacky mix-ups, right?! Green Lantern and Space Ghost probably wouldn't have shown up if they received a transmission that said, "We have a really powerful car and some guy wants to destroy it!" Green Lantern and Space Ghost believe the crazy guy with the rocket ship who sent out the distress call. They decide to back his play to destroy the foundation of the entire culture of this world. That seems like the right thing to do. Truth is always better than stability! I mean, even if you believe that truth is better than stability, is it smart to trust the judgment of one guy? I suppose when the other side has already threatened to kill you, it's probably the best decision. To make matters even more exciting, the military shows up to destroy everybody! It happens so quickly that Space Ghost and Green Lantern are given back boxes holding their ring and wrist bands but the little girl mixed up the boxes! And there's not time to switch! I can't believe I thought this comic book couldn't get wacky! Ha ha! Look at Space Ghost try to use the Green Lantern ring! Ho ho! Look at Hal Jordan try to use Space Ghost's whatevers! They switch back pretty quickly but Hal Jordan discovers his ring is almost out of energy. Like always! How the fuck aren't Green Lanterns getting stranded on backwater planets constantly? Their rings always get critically low or run out of juice because that's the only way to make the fight tense (at least for unimaginative writers like Cullen Bunn and Cullen Bunn). It wouldn't be a problem if the Green Lanterns hadn't stopped using that Storage Locker Planet to keep their batteries nearby in interdimensional space. In the end, Green Lantern and Space Ghost inspire the planet to rise up and believe in something greater than whatever they were already believing in. They inspired the Perterrans to not simply sit back and take it in the ass! What a great story! I'm so happy that people are around to inspire other people or else how will all those other people know that there are other ways to live their lives?! People who inspire are life-saving heroes! I hate stories that glorify inspiration. Inspiration is what people who are too lazy to actually do shit do. It's the acceptance of advertising as the impetus that gets the world moving. "Without a charismatic person singing on a reality television show, how would any young people know that you can become a charismatic person lucky enough to get all the same breaks that that person did so that they could also become an inspiration to inspire people to become inspirations? It just wouldn't happen without inspiration! Nobody can ever be self-motivated or believe in themselves without first being told to believe in themselves! Fuck off! The Ruff 'n' Reddy story is terrible. It's just a bunch of old jokes and stolen material shoved into a framing story of two comedians trying to find new partners whose last names will make a clever pun or saying. That's just an old Mitchell and Webb sketch! So even the framing story connecting the stolen material is stolen!

I'm sure the punchline has something to do with somebody putting their cock inside somebody else's ass. Ha ha.

A lot of the material in the Ruff 'n' Reddy story seems way bluer than I would expect DC to greenlight for a Teen Rated comic book. I guess because the filthy punchlines are either never actually mentioned or were deemed not quite explicit enough, DC Comics was okay with it. I certainly don't mind! I just think it's an odd decision. Especially since the main story is about how Space Ghost is good with kids and how people inspire children to grow up to change the world. I mean after feeling good about how little Keila grows up to become a space explorer, the reader is treated with jokes about chickens fucking eggs, cocks inside asses, and walruses raping seals? Way to go, DC! Oh! There's also a violent depiction of a forced rimjob!

To be completely transparent, I was less upset about this as I was about the stolen Bill Hicks escalator joke! And by "less upset," I mean I masturbated to this.

The Ranking! Overall, I'm almost sorry I purchased this comic book. At least I'll get a few more private moments with that rimjob pick. Ooh la la!

[trendingnewsb]

5 Huge Celebrity Scandals The Entire Planet Got Wrong

The media has the amazing ability to shed light on terrible situations and stand by victims when no one else will. That or, you know, just point and laugh at them. Usually, the rest of us are too busy laughing along to notice this is happening, but if you look back, it’s painfully obvious. Here are five times the media came across someone who clearly needed help and said, “Yeah, but wouldn’t it be more helpful if we mocked the shit out of them?”

5

We Were All Obsessed With Diagnosing Charlie Sheen’s Exact Mental Illness (For Some Reason)

Back in 2011, people, websites, and media outlets of all political inclinations united for what seemed like a worthy cause at the time: making fun of Charlie Sheen. It got to the point where some lowly dick joke sites had to specifically ask their writers to avoid “Charlie Sheen is insane” zingers — it was far too easy. It all started when Sheen was canned from Two And A Half Men due to his erratic behavior, which led to a series of high-profile interviews wherein he attempted to explain that he was totally clean and sane. They, uh, didn’t go that way.

Hell, there’s still a weird corner of YouTube solely devoted to “Worst of Charlie Sheen” compilations. This auto-tuned one has over 60 million views:

One particularly notable line from Sheen’s interview with ABC News’ Andrea Canning (which is also highlighted heavily in the memes and songs) involved his mental state. Canning suggests that perhaps Sheen is bipolar, to which the star of Hot Shots! Part Deux replies that he’s simply “bi-winning.” And that’s where this starts to fall apart.

See, there’s a bad habit in the media to try to get mental health professionals to “diagnose” a famous person they’ve never met, which is very much against that field’s entire code of ethics. In a stunning display of sticking to their guns, psychiatrists are even refusing to diagnose President Trump from afar. So why was the media so hellbent on getting a diagnosis on the guy from some crappy sitcom? Time got specialists to analyze his speech to determine whether he was crazy or merely a drug addict. To this day, Dr. Drew is remarkably hung up on Sheen:

GoogleYou’d think someone with two “Dr”s in his name would know better.

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The media made it clear that figuring out what was wrong with Sheen was way more important than encouraging him to get help, which is a very different thing. Sheen admitted to Canning that he had no idea what bipolar disorder even meant, and Canning didn’t seem terribly informed herself (for future reference, it’s more complicated than being “on two ends of a spectrum,” as she put it). So after that whole kerfuffle, what did Sheen do? He organized a bipolar disorder awareness walk in Toronto, with funds going to a Canadian support group. Canning, meanwhile, only walked away as part of a meme.

4

Vanessa Hudgens Had To Apologize For Someone Else Leaking Her Nude Photos

When you’re a Disney child star, you’re expected to be a lot more than some kid who acts in movies and TV shows. You’re supposed to be a wholesome young chap or chapette who represents the family friendly values of the company, but also cool and desirable enough to decorate the walls of millions of horned-up teenagers. The perfect Disney star is equal parts sexy and virginal. And most importantly, they should never, ever be naked.

This is what made it such a big scandal in 2007 when someone leaked nude photos of High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens, who was 18 at the time. This was almost certainly a case of revenge porn, which is a crime most states prosecute today. But back in 2007? The media backlash centered not on the asswipe who did this, but on Hudgens herself, who had to issue an apology for … having nipples? Not being a vampire and showing up in photos?

At least Disney proved they had her back when they released a statement saying: “We hope she’s learned a valuable lesson.”

Frederick M. Brown/Getty ImagesAnd yet this degenerate is allowed to parade in public without pants.

It’s also kind of important to note the timeframe in which this happened. In 2007, as you surely remember, we were somewhere in the middle of the second season of Hannah Montana. Miley Cyrus had yet to smoke her first bowl and take a steaming dump all over everything Disney held dear. Lindsay Lohan was two years removed from Herbie: Fully Loaded, and her own problems were only getting started. The pressure on Hudgens was pretty bad, and all those indignant articles describing “saucy snapshots” which showed her in non-“ladylike” positions didn’t help.

Even stupider is that even when trying to “defend” her, the media still can’t help but crack a joke. Here’s HuffPo in 2013, six years later:

HuffPostNeither is reading HuffPo.

3

Nobody Took Chelsea Manning’s Transition Seriously

The existence of transgender people has historically been a source of headaches and inconvenience for the media. “What pronouns do we use? Do we refer to them by the gender they were assigned at birth or how they identify? Do we treat them as people, or as monsters to be derided and mocked? It’s all so complicated!”

So when Chelsea Manning was arrested in 2010, and later reports came out that she was transitioning, the media was confused, to say the least. Thing is, they shouldn’t have been. Manning explicitly said that her name was Chelsea and that she wanted to be referenced using female pronouns. It’s that easy. Nevertheless, practically every major newsroom in the country used masculine pronouns during much of the initial reporting — including outlets that already had rules about respecting transgender people’s wishes, like The New York Times and the Associated Press. Meanwhile, The Washington Post, in an impressive effort to avoid getting angry letters from any side, avoided pronouns altogether throughout an entire article.

On an even more stupid level, the terrible reporting was followed by articles about the terrible reporting which managed to be quite terrible themselves. Look at this stupid-ass headline:

TimeAnd whoever wrote this didn’t struggle enough.

There was a reason for disregarding Manning’s wishes other than ignorance or bigotry: money. Or at least clicks. Essentially, it came down to using key phrases in reporting — “Bradley Manning” was a household name, but Chelsea Manning was brand-new. Some grumpy news reader looking at CNN.com would have clicked on a new report about “Bradley,” but looked at the same story about “Chelsea” and not known who the hell that was, thereby not clicking. And if they don’t click, they won’t share the article via an all-caps Facebook post, and then where would we be?

2

Monica Lewinsky Was As Vilified As Bill Clinton, Despite The Obvious Power Imbalance

Under most circumstances, going from being a fresh-faced intern to the biggest name in politics within a few years would be a good thing. For Monica Lewinsky, unfortunately, it meant that her name became synonymous with a sex act that no one else had apparently performed before or since.

As soon as the media learned of Lewinsky’s affair with Bill Clinton, everybody across the political spectrum mocked her fairly harshly. Lewinsky jokes became a whole genre of comedy, especially for late-night talk show hosts like David Letterman.

CBS Television Studios

Even into the Bush presidency, Letterman still found time to make fun of Lewinsky. But why exactly did the American media think it was a good idea to rail on this young woman? Don’t get us wrong, making fun of Bill Clinton is totally fair, even necessary. He was the most powerful man in the world when the scandal happened, while Lewinsky was a 23-year-old intern who was barely out of college. Our military carries out orders from the president that they probably don’t agree with on a daily basis; do you think a young intern is going to have the fortitude to say “Sorry, just brushed my teeth” to the president of the United States? Him even asking for sexual favors was an abuse of power, but practically nobody covered the story that way.

After the scandal, Lewinsky was criticized for using her new celebrity status to make money, but she didn’t really have much of a choice there. Her career was ruined; people don’t generally get into politics in the hopes of one day selling a line of handbags. As much as she wanted to stay out of the spotlight, she’d been slapped with so many legal fees that she had to keep accepting every ridiculous offer that came her way. It was also really not cool that there were people seriously having discussions over whether or not Lewinsky references were “fair game” in the 2016 election. Everyone from Rosario Dawson to some rando Republican strategist in Florida had some kind of opinion on whether or not it was OK to drag Lewinsky’s name through the mud nearly 20 years after the fact when, again, it was not even Bill running for president.

1

The Media Pointed And Laughed At Britney Spears’ Mental Breakdown (And She’s Still Being Treated Poorly)

Man, 2007 was not a good time for anyone’s mental health. You may remember some of these headlines from your grocery store checkout lanes that year:

New York Daily News, New York Post, StarOh, but when Larry David gets the same hairdo, no one cares.

To recap, in 2007, Britney Spears was only 25 years old and on top of the goddamned world — or so we thought. After checking out of rehab, she decided that her hair extensions were too tight and asked her stylist to chop it all off. When the salon owner tried to talk her out of it, she grabbed some clippers and did the job herself. And because Spears was the type of celebrity who had paparazzi who would follow her off a bridge, the whole incident was caught on camera.

What did all of us do? We laughed. MTV, which could probably afford to serve caviar at the cafeteria thanks to her videos, let a clearly unprepared Spears lip-sync her way through an awkward, widely mocked VMAs performance. For a while there, “Britney Spears” replaced “Michael Jackson” as the punchline for every music industry joke. And inexplicably, the lone voice of reason in this whole debacle was a freaking viral video.

Vlogger Chris Crocker, better known as the “LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!” guy, was genuinely worried about Spears’ health and how everyone in the media was treating her when he recorded that video. His own mom had been struggling with some issues at the same time, and he was truly upset with the way people casually dismissed the mental health of women he looked up to in his life. So naturally, we started mocking the shit out of him, too.

Spears was eventually able to get some of the help she needed, but at the cost of having to put all of her money and future earnings into a “conservatorship” held by her father and an attorney. That’s the kind of thing you only do when grandma starts trying to deposit her cash in the microwave. Today, you could say that Spears has recovered reasonably well, what with her hit Las Vegas residency and critically acclaimed latest album … but she’s still not allowed to handle her own finances. Crocker needs to make a new video called “Let Britney Have A Debit Card.”

Isaac’s life is falling apart, but only on the inside. Follow him on Twitter anyway.

Charlie Sheen got really into “winning” in that whole period, and he put together his Winning Recipes cookbook after it.

If you loved this article and want more content like this, support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_25225_5-huge-celebrity-scandals-entire-planet-got-wrong.html

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