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justporo · 10 months

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Lost between the covers

When outside a blizzard is raging, there is nothing better than cuddling up with your vampire for a little reading date, right? Well, if you can pick a book to agree on...

MASTERLIST | AO3

Author's Note: Written for the "Getting cozy" prompt of the BG3 Winter Holiday challenge. Shortly ago I wrote a little thing about Astarion and books - and then immediately knew I had to write more about it for the fluff challenge. The bad erotica short stories thing was inspired by another post (I'll link if I can find it, if someone has it, please halp, I can't find anything on this hellsite) and also ofc there have been several posts going around on how Astarion is a Drizzt fan.

Pairing: Astarion/GN!Tav (You) Warnings: none Wordcount: 1,4k ~~~

The burning logs crackled in the fireplace while the flames licked on them and flickering warm light filled your living room. Outside a snow storm had been raging the whole day and hadn't stopped even when night had fallen. Wind was howling around the house, and little specks of ice were thrown so hard by the gusts, they made clattering noises against the big living room window.

It didn't bother you at all. You didn’t even spare it any attention at all anymore. The rising and ebbing of the howling wind and the crackling of the fire had become nothing but pleasant background noise.

You were all cosily snuggled up on Astarion's lap, legs swung over his, head on the vampire's shoulder, a blanket wrapped thoroughly around you. The pale elf’s feet were comfortably crossed over each other at the ankles on the floor. His head slightly rested on the crown of yours and he had put his arms lightly around your frame while holding a small leatherbound book he was reading to you from.

The whole scene was just complete and utter bliss - you didn’t remember the last time you had felt such serene peace. Perhaps you never had.

And if you would have asked him, Astarion would have told you very much the same. The vampire might never get used to the feeling of having you close, feeling the warmth of your body slowly seeping into his own as you relaxed into him, fully trusting him. He’d never known or shared this kind of closeness with anyone before.

And he wouldn’t give it up anymore for anything in the world - not even for being able to walk in the sun again.

At first Astarion had made a fuss when you had started to climb on his lap like a cat. But you'd been feeling rather sick for a while now and felt you were entitled to some pampering from your partner. And of course Astarion actually loved that he was that to you: the person you came to because he was your safe haven - not to mention the love of your life.

But the vampire still had wrestled you off his lap once more while you had pouted.

“Ah ah, patience, my darling. I'm only setting us up so we can stay all neatly cuddled up for the rest of the night,” he'd lectured you and had inclined his head towards you while doing a little bow.

“I don't know, Astarion, you being the one talking about having patience somehow feels cynic to me,” you'd replied and wrapped your arms around you to stay warm.

Astarion's eyes had narrowed dangerously at you, tongue in cheek, before he had turned on his heel and left without another word. You probably had only made him take his sweet time now. With a sigh you had sunk back onto the piece of furniture

He had returned some time later with a stack of different books under his arm, a cup of hot tea for you and some mulled wine for himself.

Astarion had scoffed at first at the premise of drinking “fine wine ruined with spices and fruit, my love - why not immediately make me drink juice with seasoning, ugh.” But then he had started to enjoy it quite quickly.

You scurried to make place for your vampire on the sofa. Then putting the mugs down on the small table beside the couch, the vampire sat down beside you again, balancing books of different size and condition on his legs.

“So, tell me my love, what shall we read?”, he asked cheerfully while you just eyed the stack of books on his lap - they were in your spot.

Astarion looked at you cockily, eyebrows raised, waiting for you to give a response. You just slowly blinked at him. Your brain was mushy and foggy from being sick - you weren't up to make important choices, but you tried to pull yourself together. Astarion was awful at downplaying how excited he seemed to just snuggle up with you on the couch with a book and you surely wanted to indulge him.

“Well, what's on offer?”, you finally asked in response.

Astarion jumped right back into action with a pleased grin: “I'm so glad you asked, my love.”

He lifted up the first one of the books: small, blue, golden lettering on the front and spine. “We have a nice small volume of poetry - the writing is a bit too sappy for my liking, personally, but this poet's been all the rave lately, so I had to form an opinion on that of course.”

“Of course,” you chimed in with a knowing little smile. It was insanely cute to you how much enthusiasm the vampire had for literature.

You had drawn your legs up to sit on them and were now leaning your elbow on your knees, chin in your hand, looking at Astarion who lifted up the next book - a huge, very old looking, leather-bound tome.

“We have one of the most holistic and elaborate accounts of history of our wondrous city of Baldur’s Gate”, the vampire went on, putting on some scholarly demeanour. Gods, he almost reminded you of Gale for a second. You blinked a few times to get that out of your head.

Then you eyed the dusty and crumbly book with a scrunched up nose: “You don’t really want to read that, do you?”

Astarion looked at you in confusion: “Why wouldn’t I?”

“Nerd”, you simply said. “Next!”

The vampire’s red gaze narrowed at you in distaste. He still held up the huge leatherbound chronicles in his hands.

“One comment about how I grew up on the streets and am uncultured, Astarion, and I will bite you!”, you threatened and stuck a finger in his face.

Immediately the pale elf put on a smug grin. “Would be a nice change for once, don’t you think?”, he muttered in a sultry tone while you just rolled your eyes and groaned. “But alright, I understand that the audience may be a little… overwhelmed with this suggestion”, he continued in one of his insufferable ways and went to carefully place down the huge tome on the wooden floor.

You still felt like you had been made fun of but you let it slide for now.

“Alright, next up we have this titillating collection of obnoxiously bad erotica short stories,” Astarion continued and lifted up a much smaller book again - this one bound in linen in a deep red colour. The vampire was back at grinning lewdly at you, one eyebrow lifted high.

“Is this where you got all your lines from?”, you asked dryly.

Astarion’s expression immediately turned sour. “Alright, we’re not reading this one”, he said in a flat tone, glowering angrily at you. He threw the book over his shoulder and heard how it clattered to the ground - always so dramatic.

Meanwhile you had started cackling so much you had to bury your face in your hand for a moment. Under his breath you heard Astarion mutter something about why he hadn’t “just chosen about anyone else to manipulate and end up with”.

Quickly, you went to lean forward and grab his face to cherish it with a kiss. Despite his still disgusted face the pale elf welcomed the loving attention. When you pulled away you kept holding his face in your hands: “You’re stuck with me, love.”

“Good thing, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else then”, Astarion replied and leaned in again for another kiss.

Afterwards,sitting up straight again, Astarion sighed dreamily while his eyes lingered on you.

“What’s the last one?”, you asked after a while of the vampire seemingly just getting lost in your eyes.

“Hm?” he made, raising his eyebrows. Then he shook his head softly to focus again while you grinned to yourself knowingly.

Astarion lifted up the last pick in his stack of books he’d brought: “Well, the last one is another adventurous tale of Drizzt Do’Urden.”

Your head perked up when you heard that.

Astarion had introduced you to the legendary tales of Drizzt a while ago now and despite brushing it off at first you had gotten seriously into the stories. And another one of those stories sounded just about right for a stormy winter night and for cuddling up for the rest of the night.

Eagerly, you climbed on Astarion’s lap without any other responses. The vampire just laughed while he allowed you to cosy up to him and finally sealed the deal by putting an arm around you, with his other hand opening up the book already.

“Alright, looks like we have a winner”, he mused playfully and dragged you in a little closer on his lap so he could press another kiss to the top of your head.

Tag list: @spacebarbarianweird @sunfire-ancunin @tragedybunny @dependsonthedream @tallymonster @magazzne @micropoe10 @aoirohi @my-bunny-prince @lumienyx @fayeriess @darlingxdragon

#astarion #baldur's gate 3 #astarion ancunin #fanfiction #astarion x tav #bg3 spoilers #baldur's gate iii #baldurs gate #astarion x mc #astarion x oc #bg3holidayfluffle23 #astarion x you #astarion x reader #bg3

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suga-kookiemonster · 1 year

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satisfy 06

summary⇢ “listen,” taehyung says, eyes wide and eager as he smiles at you. “i figure we can just help each other out. i scratch your back, you scratch mine.” but when you find yourself suddenly in need of a massive favor, exactly how much scratching are you willing to do? pairing⇢ seokjin/reader, namjoon/reader, taehyung/reader, …..jimin/reader word count⇢ 4.8k genre⇢ smut | escort!au | ceo!au (kinda) warnings⇢ none, really. just a few suggestive memories and oc having a crisis 👀 a/n⇢ and now, my dear friends, we finally make it to the epilogue! 🥹 thank you to everyone who has stuck with this fic over the years, and i'm extra grateful to everyone who has dropped in my inbox at any point to scream their feelings about it to me--as well as everyone who has enjoyed it enough to reblog and share! 💜💜 you guys are the ones who really keep me coming back to share my writing on this hellsite, and i truly, truly appreciate you for helping keep fandom fun and alive. i hope you've enjoyed this ride as much as i have enjoyed taking you on it! 🥰😈 mood for this chapter is this song~ thanks again, everyone! 💜

chapters⇢ previous | series masterlist

Just as they were scheduled to, your employers jetted off overseas, leaving you to your own devices for the next three weeks. You weren’t going to lie—it felt bizarre for your calendar to be so open after months of near bursting due to constant activity. But honestly? It was truly refreshing to suddenly have so much downtime. And after your last Kim encounter, you definitely felt your break was well-deserved.

So, you used the sudden breathing room to catch up on other parts of your life that had been suffering. The next few days were spent burrowed beneath the covers and gloriously unconscious, your truly exhausted body ensuring sleep to be your first priority. Initiating the wildest sexual encounter you had ever had—and probably would ever have—on a Thursday meant that you luckily only had to miss one lecture, and you happily did so, knowing the slides would be online for you to look over later. And though you weren’t asleep the entire weekend, even when you were awake, you didn’t part with the comfort of your bed for long—eating takeout in it and watching true crime documentaries in it and actively ignoring the way your skin tingled when your mind strayed to the other activities you had done in it not too long prior.

(And if you were being honest, it was a little hard to not linger on what you had done. On what you so easily allowed the Kims to do.)

When you did allow yourself to linger on it, it almost felt like a fever dream. Some abstract, depraved fantasy that your overactive mind had cooked up. But the ache in your muscles, the tenderness of your pussy—these were tangible proof that it had all been real. That the flashes of hot tongues and gasping breaths and shivering pleasure that kept creeping back, no matter how you tried to distract yourself, were memories, not figments of your imagination. You knew you should probably feel some sort of shame over it, but honestly? Other than astonishment that this was what your life had become, other than the expected fatigue—

You only felt satisfied.

Satisfied that your own needs had been spectacularly met, of course, but also with the knowledge that your employers were even more satiated than you, and that you had done that. You couldn’t help but glow with a sense of pride when your doorbell rang one afternoon and you were handed a gorgeous flower arrangement, the corresponding card detailing that the unexpected, expensive gift was from Kim Seokjin. Months ago, you probably would have felt mortified to receive them—especially with the intimate knowledge of what exactly he was thanking you for—but you had earned those flowers, dammit! Earned that, as well as the absurd amount of money Namjoon unceremoniously wired you in between the texts he sent you every few days to check on you.

You always gave your all to whatever you set out to do, and this was no different. You were a hard worker, period. No one could fault you for being pleased with the successful results of your efforts.

So yes, you spent those next few days relaxing and recuperating and feeling rewarded. And when you finally felt enough like a human to leave your nest of pillows and blankets, you used your newfound freedom from distractions to catch up on other parts of your life you had been inadvertently ignoring—the first being your schoolwork, and the second, Jimin.

You did a double-take when your text thread showed that the last time you had messaged him had been a week and a half ago, unbelieving. Though busy, the two of you never went that long without at least checking in, and for him to not reach out either? You couldn’t help but worry that maybe he had forgotten about you. Found someone much more interesting, someone prettier and much more available to be showered with his attention than you.

But luckily, your slow spiraling was immediately halted when the timid Hey you sent him resulted in his bubbly, smiley face-filled reply barely a second later.

And so now, there you were, meeting him in person for the first time in over a month.

“Sorry I’m late,” you told him as you approached the table, slightly out of breath from your hustle there. “Traffic was crazy and the Uber driver seemed afraid of driving, or something? Like, this probably isn’t the job for you if driving in the city makes you that nervous.” Because yes, when Jimin asked if you could meet him for dinner, you were surprised when he chose a spot downtown. And you were even more surprised when you finally arrived and realized that said restaurant was apparently an upscale hotspot, especially considering the meals you usually shared together consisted of nothing fancier than takeout or something you could grab from the convenience store.

He immediately stood up to wrap you in his arms, giving you a comforting squeeze that reflexively had you melting into the warmth of him before he let go. God, he smelled good. “Glad you made it in one piece,” came his amused reply, eyes twinkling as he reached over and politely pulled your chair out for you.

You did your best to tamp down the familiar delighted butterflies that always sprung up within you when you were near him. There was something more pressing that needed to be addressed. “Jimin,” you hissed out the corner of your mouth, warily looking around. “You didn’t tell me this restaurant was so nice! I would’ve dressed up more.” Because as it was, your simple cocktail dress wasn’t really cutting it. The tables had cloth tablecloths that no doubt were removed and washed between each seating. There were multiple chandeliers sparkling from the ceiling, for fuck’s sake! Jimin had told you to wear something more on the nicer side, but he never told you this nice, and you could tell immediately that you were underdressed. You had been so excited to see him again that you just got in the car without even bothering to google the place first.

Jimin waved a dismissive hand, visibly unbothered as he retook his own seat. For his part, he had actually taken the time to throw on a rather smart blazer over his dress shirt and slacks, his hair carefully styled and slicked back. “You look beautiful, as you always do.”

Your eyes shifted to the table, a shy but pleased smile inching across your lips. “Thank you.”

“Thank you for meeting me. I was worried you’d forgotten about me.”

You couldn’t help the incredulous snort that escaped you. “Me forget about you? No, of course not, Jiminie. I’m sorry for dropping off the face of the earth—I’ve just been so busy—”

Jimin’s raised hand halted your rambling, the gentle crinkle of his eyes calming your frazzled nerves. “Don’t worry,” he smiled. “I totally get it—I was just teasing. I could tell you had a lot going on, and so I just didn’t want to bother you. You have nothing to be sorry for.”

Didn’t you, though? Would he feel the same way if he knew just what had been taking up all your time? You reflexively swallowed, sifting uncomfortably in your seat. “Yeah, school has been running me ragged.” And it’s not a lie. Just not the full truth.

“No kidding. I think I got seven hours of sleep total last week, so like I said, I totally get it.” Before it even registered that he was reaching for you, his hand was already enveloping yours, thumb rubbing soothing circles into your palm. “I’m just happy we have the chance to get together now. I missed you.”

You felt yourself immediately soften into putty at his admission. “I’ve missed you too, Jimin,” came your soft reply. Dazedly, you tried your best not to visibly show how much his unexpected touch was making your heartbeat skyrocket, but from the pleased curl of his lips, you weren’t entirely sure you were successful.

It didn’t matter, because just as easily as he had reached into your space, he was now letting go, pulling his appendage back to his side of the table to pick up his menu.

As if waiting for a lull in your conversation, the waiter chose that moment to approach your table. “Welcome to Serendipity. Have the two of you dined with us before?”

“I haven’t,” Jimin replied, expectantly looking your way for your response and finding you scrabbling for your menu instead.

“Me neither,” you squeaked, flustered that you had been too busy making heart eyes at Jimin to even give it a cursory browse. “Is there anything you recommend?”

The waiter reached over a little to direct you a slip of paper on your table that had gone unnoticed until this moment. “You can find our current specials here—I’m a big fan of the salmon, but everything on there is excellent. And we’re actually currently running a dinner for two special, that’s been really popular. One appetizer to share, two entrées, and a dessert to share.”

Yes, it didn’t surprise you that that would be popular—along with how nice the restaurant was, you had noticed immediately when walking in that it was filled with couples who were clearly having romantic nights out.

“I think we’re still deciding on food.” Jimin’s voice cut through your thoughts. “But can we please see a wine list?”

Wine? Your brow raised, not opposed, but surprised. In all the time you’ve known each other, alcohol has certainly never been a stranger—you’ve had late night study sessions together, accompanied by chicken and beer; you’ve gotten shitfaced together at bars after particularly rough exams. But something about this felt…different. In this restaurant, much fancier than you anticipated, surrounded by couples, sitting across a candlelit table from where Jimin was poring over a wine selection that you knew had to be really expensive—this was undoubtedly more intimate.

You idly cleared your throat, not daring to linger too long on the dots your mind couldn’t help but connect. Because it obviously couldn’t be that. It had to be a coincidence.

“_____,” Jimin said, the slight raise in his voice cluing you in that this wasn’t the first time he had tried to get your attention. “How does this one sound?”

You blinked our of your thoughts, finding both him and the waiter looking at you expectantly. “Whatever you choose is fine!” you croaked, slapping on a smile for good measure.

“Excellent choice. I’ll bring it right out,” the waiter said with an affirmative tilt of his head, and then the two of you were alone again.

It was quiet for a bit while you both properly perused your menus, though from the corner of your eye, the curious glances Jimin was sending you didn’t escape your notice. You were acting weird. You were acting weird and he could clearly tell you were acting weird, but ever since you noticed the restaurant’s romantic atmosphere, you couldn’t help it.

“These prices are kinda wild, huh?” came your attempt at normal conversation.

Jimin took it in stride, lips curling in amusement. “Yeah, they’re definitely overcharging for those stuffed mushrooms. But don’t worry about it—I invited you out, so this is my treat.”

You shook your head immediately. “No, no, I can’t let you do that! I was just making a comment. Don’t worry, I have enough money to pay.”

He let out a bemused sigh, shaking his head, and if you didn’t happen to be looking directly at him, you might have missed him say under his breath, “You’re not gonna make this date easy for me, huh?”

You immediately choked on your own spit, eyes bugging at what you thought you heard. “D-Date?” you repeated incredulously.

Jimin’s spine went stiff, eyes widening as if he hadn’t meant to say that out loud. You could only watch in amazement as it was his turn to look shy, pointedly averting his gaze to his menu and letting out a chuckle that sounded suspiciously nervous to your bemused ears. When you continued to gape at him, waiting for some sort of explanation, he was forced to continue.

“Yeah,” he hedged cautiously. “That’s what I’d hoped. Would that be a bad thing?”

You couldn’t answer right away, staring him down like he had grown two heads and wondering when he was going to burst out laughing with a Gotcha! You should have seen your face.

Always one for great timing, the waiter chose that moment to come back with your wine, taking his sweet time pouring it into each of your glasses and cheerfully chatting about the region it came from. You didn’t hear a single word, too focused on the way Jimin studiously avoided your stare, on the noticeable flush that had risen up his neck and was fanning across his cheeks. It was only after you apologetically asked for more time for your meal orders—your mind too frazzled to pick something on the spot—that he left again. Jimin took a long swig from his wineglass.

“Sorry,” he murmured, still not looking at you. “I probably should have let you know my intention beforehand, but I was nervous you wouldn’t come, or I’d chicken out of doing it, or—”

“Your intention?” you parroted dazedly.

Another generous swallow of wine, the liquid courage coaxing his eyes to meet yours. “I wanted to take you out somewhere really nice,” he admitted. “Show you a good time and work up the nerve to properly ask you out again.”

“On a. Date?” Your lashes fluttered, an involuntary response to your brain short-circuiting. “With me.”

His lips twitched. “Yes, with you, silly.”

“Why?”

“You’re really going to make me say it? Before our food gets here?” He was fiddling with his napkin, but despite his clear nervousness, his gaze was now unwavering and his voice was clear. “Because I like you, _____. I have for a long time.”

These were words that you had only heard him whisper in your wildest dreams, when your subconscious thoughts were no longer being restrained by your common sense. And as such, you could only gape at him, sure you were about to wake up any second.

Your unintentional silence triggered Jimin’s tongue into overdrive, and you could only struggle to make sense of his rambling as he proceeded to tell you how much your friendship meant to him and how he was afraid confessing how he felt would affect it, but he just couldn’t take it anymore. How his feelings for you were growing by the day, and the recent time spent away from you was maddening and only confirmed to him how much he wanted to be with you. And so he felt he had to at least put it out there and try.

And the longer he talked, the more your eyes welled up with horrified tears, panic gripping you by the throat and squeezing, tight, tight.

This was nothing short of a nightmare.

You would have never agreed to your arrangement with the Kims if you had thought in a million years Jimin would have ever been a serious option for you.

Absolutely not. You would have swallowed your pride, maybe taken that loan from Tae instead. Would have also taken as many odd jobs as you could to pay him back, would have forgone sleep completely and struggled ten times more than you were now just so you could pay off your debts. Hell, you would have even just fucking dropped out. Would have taken the semester off and attempted to come back whenever you could scrounge up the appropriate funds.

But never, never ever, would you have done what you had done.

Because now, not only were you contractually unable to be with the man you’ve—in an attempt at self-preservation—refused to acknowledge you were in love with, but even if you found some legal way to quit now…there was zero chance Jimin would still want you when he knew. Less than zero. And you couldn’t blame him for that, because who would?

Beyond overwhelmed, you did the only sensible thing you could in that moment—you burst into tears.

Your sudden sniveling immediately halted Jimin’s rambling, eyes wide in alarm and looking every bit as distressed as you. “Ah—don’t cry!” He leaned over the table, cradling your face in his hands and swiping your tears with his thumbs. “You don’t have to feel the same way, _____. I’ll get over it, please don’t cry—”

“No,” you blubbered, beyond miserable. He couldn’t be more wrong. “I do! Jimin, I feel exactly the same way, I just…” Your eyes welled up anew, unable to tell him the truth. “I c-can’t.”

“You can’t?” he repeated, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. His eyes roved your face for any possible answers, nibbling slightly on his bottom lip in thought. “…Is this…” His thumbs were still caressing your cheeks, gaze gentle and open as he quickly glanced around to see if anyone was paying the two of you any attention. When it was clear no one was giving your table more than a few curious glances, he said quieter, “…Is this about the arrangement you have with Tae?”

Everything froze. Your eyes locked, Jimin patiently waiting for your reply. Hysteria trickled through your veins, held only a bay by the disbelief slamming into you harder than a freight train. “W-What arrangement?” you blurted reflexively, a touch too loudly to be believable.

It was Jimin’s turn be caught off guard, hands slowly dropping from your face and returning to his side of the table, though he was still leaned over it so he could still whisper to you, “You know.” He looked at you pointedly, mouth downturning a bit in his confusion. “With him and his brothers. The arrangement.”

Jesus Christ, this was not happening. There was no way that this was actually happening to you. There was no way that the man who unknowingly held your heart in the palm of his hand was fully aware that you were fucking his best friend for money. Deny, deny! “I’m not sure I know what you mean.”

He didn’t say anything for a few moments, still visibly puzzled. But the two of you only sat in an awkward silence for a few more moments before he snapped his fingers, a light bulb clearly going off. “Ah! You can’t say anything because you signed an NDA, right?”

You swallowed thickly, unable do anything more in that very moment than stupidly stare at him like a deer in the headlights.

“I’m sorry, that was stupid of me,” Jimin chuckled, smacking his forehead for good measure. “I don’t know why I didn’t realize that sooner. Obviously you’re under NDA.”

You weren’t sure how to respond to that. Weren’t sure from the gentle smile he was now sending you if he even expected a response from you. Luckily, Jimin kept talking.

“But it’s okay—I already know everything, so you don’t have to hide it,” he reassured you. You didn’t feel assured. You felt like you were in the Twilight Zone. “Taehyung told me about your agreement when you started it months ago.”

If you were flustered before, that was nothing on what you were feeling now. Now, half-thoughts were ricocheting across your brain too quickly for you to grasp anything of substance but your internal screeching. “You know everything?” you repeated incredulously. This time it was you who leaned over the table, meeting him in the middle. “Taehyung told you?!”

“Of course he did!” Color rebloomed across his cheeks, but he didn’t shy away from the bewildered stare down you were giving him. “He’s my best friend and he wanted to make sure he wouldn’t be stepping on any toes. He…knows how I feel about you.” When you only continued to stare at him, he nervously added, “Who do you think got me the reservation for this place to begin with? The waitlist is literally a year out.”

“I’m sorry, I just—” You pulled back so you could reach for your wineglass, allowing yourself a few healthy sips to give your mouth something to do other than flap about like an idiot while you stalled. Jimin didn’t call you out on it, just waited patiently and topped off your glass when you set it back down again.

You took a few steadying breaths, ultimately choosing to lean back closer to Jimin. To the casual onlooker, the two of you were just another couple making heart eyes over a romantic dinner. And considering the rather lewd and illegal turn your conversation had just taken in this very public place, that only worked in your favor. “Let me get this straight,” you whispered, carefully choosing your words in case you still managed to garner an unwanted audience. “Taehyung told you the deal he has with me. Months ago.” Jimin nodded. “And you’ve known this entire time about our…arrangement, but never told me you knew.”

“I swear I didn’t at all mean to keep that a secret,” he murmured, expression contrite. “I just didn’t want to make you uncomfortable or embarrass you or anything like that, so I’ve just been waiting on you to bring it up at your own pace. But I didn’t take into account that you would never bring it up because you would be under NDA, which, again, now that I say it out loud was an extremely stupid assumption of me not to make. I’m sorry.”

“So. You have feelings for me,” you reiterated, ignoring the delighted shiver that raced up your spine at the words. You had to be sure. “But it didn’t bother you that your best friend…propositioned me? You have no problem with me being…involved with him and his brothers?”

“You were caught between a rock and a hard place and the grind never stops. You know I know that better than anybody,” he replied with a shrug. He swallowed, discreetly ensuring no one was paying the two of you any attention before he added, “You think you’re the only one who’s sucked dick for money?”

Your eyes widened, jaw dropping a little before you could catch it. Was he…implying what you thought he was implying? There was no way. You had to be reading into it.

But ultimately, all of this was irrelevant. When the ghost of Seokjin’s mouth on you came to you unbidden—the phantom weight of Taehyung’s body, the haunting reprimand of Namjoon’s stern hand—

You shook your head, unsuccessfully dispelling those unwanted, lingering thoughts. Your gaze skirted to the table, despondent and embarrassed as you finally set free your hushed admission. “Jimin, I’ve done more than suck dick for my money.”

There was a pause, an agonizing one that felt like an eternity, and then he was lifting your chin with a finger and guiding you to meet his eyes.

“Again.” He reached for your hands, thumb tracing patterns over your knuckles. His smile was a soft secret. “You think you’re the only one?”

He held your gaze, not looking away even though your mouth just flapped uselessly as you struggled to regain your bearings. So he did mean—

“Does knowing that bother you?” Jimin asked quietly, expression now carefully neutral. Seriously asking, and giving you the proper space to process and answer. “Does it change anything?”

“No.” The truth, though delayed, left you as easily as a breath. He was still Jimin. “Of course not.”

Jimin’s resulting grin turned his eyes into crescents. “Soooo…what I’m hearing is that we’re clearly on the same page and are both Team Fuck Bitches, Get Money.”

Boy, did you wish you could smile back. Wish you could share in his obvious relief. But while you assumed his exploits were in the past, the same couldn’t be said for you, who was actively under contract. “Jimin, I’m still…employed,” you couldn’t help but point out. “And still will be for a while. That really doesn’t bother you?”

“It really doesn’t,” he insisted. But your continued hesitance had him pulling back from you, hands busying themselves with reaching for his wineglass as he carefully asked, “Should it? Is there something else I should know?” A couple sips of wine to steel himself before a cautious, “Do you have feelings for any of them?”

“No!” you blurted. Despite the amount of time and intimacy you had been spending with the Kims, romantic feelings had never even crossed your mind. Your pussy certainly felt some things when she was getting some action, but your heart had never gotten involved. Your heart was too busy crowding in your throat at that very moment, threatening to fling itself at the man in front of you.

Jimin took your sincerity for what it was, a pleased twist to his lips. “Then it’s all fine with me. And again, Tae’s been aware from the beginning that I’ve been intending to ask you out, so that expectation has been there since the beginning. All three of them agreed to the deal knowing that I might be in the picture if I ever decided to put my big boy pants on and tell you how I feel. They’ve been expecting it, so they’re cool with it.”

“They’re cool with it,” you parroted blankly, completely flabbergasted. This was absolutely not how you foresaw this night going, and you never would have thought your life would ever take a turn like this in a million years. “They’re cool with it, and so are you?”

“I don’t mind sharing your time,” he shrugged. “So long as I’m not sharing you.”

“And you don’t see that as the same thing in this…situation?” you asked incredulously. “That doesn’t seem fair.”

Jimin puffed out an amused laugh. “Wow, you really are trying to talk me out of this, huh?”

You waved your hands. “Absolutely not, that is the last thing I want! I just. I come with a lot of baggage, and I don’t want any of it to come as a surprise. As busy as I’ve been the last couple weeks? That’s becoming a reoccurring normal. And Jimin, I just feel really shitty.” You swallowed. “Because I can’t promise you everything that you deserve to be promised right now.”

Jimin’s face softened as he listened to you, visibly much more comfortable now that you had successfully reassured him just how badly you wanted this. And oh, did you want it. You weren’t sure how this could ever work, but god did you want it to.

“Not fair,” he repeated under his breath, eyes glazed over in thought. “Hmmm.”

“Is there anything I could do?” you hedged. You weren’t really sure what that could possibly be, considering the ironclad situation you were in. But now that you had been given a glimmer of your heart’s desire, you couldn’t let it fade away. Not if you could help it.

His reply wasn’t immediate, still lost in thought. But when his eyes finally refocused on you, smoldering and intense, you couldn’t help the way your breath caught in response, the way your heart quickened. “Here’s an idea of what we can do to make it fair. What if you continue to work for them, just as you are now. And then…”

He was thoughtlessly swirling his wineglass, momentum pulling the ruby liquid into slow, circling waves that would be rather hypnotizing if you weren’t already caught in the snare of his gaze. When he leaned across the table again, the way you followed suit was as easy as breathing. A lovesick sailor willingly lured to possible danger by a siren’s song. “Whatever you do for them, you do for me. How does that sound?”

You let out a soft breath, just the thought of it immediately electrifying your every atom. Sparks danced excitedly beneath your skin, his soft, sultry tone curling your toes in their shoes.

“Fair.”

His Adam’s apple dipped excitedly, lips parting.

“So sorry to interrupt,” someone suddenly said from beside you. It was the waiter again. You had completely forgotten about him. Completely forgotten everything other than the restless tap of Jimin’s fingers against the table. “I just wanted to check in to see if you were ready to order?”

“Yes, I think so.” You didn’t look away from Jimin—still hadn’t even glanced at the menu. Your tongue swiped over your lips, and his gaze darkened in response.

“But I think we’d like it to go.”

chapters⇢ previous | series masterlist

#taehyung smut #namjoon smut #seokjin smut #bts fic #bts smut #bts fanfic #taehyung x reader #namjoon x reader #seokjin x reader #jimin x reader #mine #husband #bae #mr. worldwide #the tempter #fic: satisfy

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redphlox · 2 months

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No matter how bnha ends, I'm grateful that I became invested because it brought me joy, and it gifted me the euphoric experience of getting to know one of my favorite characters ever: Touya Todoroki, Dabi. I will always love him, and he will always have a special place in my heart. Nothing can change that or take that away from me. Shouto, too. The soba brothers are eternal to me.

It's so typical of me to be drawn to the mysterious, cold, brooding characters, haha. Shouto and Dabi immediately captured my attention when I first watched/read bnha with @fox-conscious. I took a break from following the series for a few years until November 2020, when I casually logged into Tumblr after months of not checking and saw chapter 290 Dabi's Dance leaks. It must have been fate. Suddenly, I was fully immersed in the manga again, excited that the obvious familial connection between my two favorites was officially confirmed. This reveal reignited my excitement and gave me something to focus on and look forward to during a challenging first semester in grad school, when I was on the cusp of realizing I needed professional help for my eating disorder.

To deal with the stress and have fun, I turned to reading and writing meta, and trying to make friends to share the experience with. That's the most important thing that has come from following this series... I've met so many incredible people who mean a lot to me:

@haleigh-sloth has become a really dear and close friend of mine. We met because of this manga and bonded over crepes, breakfast foods, pasta or ramen dinners, shopping at the mall, swimming in the river, walking her dogs, sleepovers, traveling, and road trips because of our shared love of the characters and story. We are basically the same person and constantly say the same things at the same time. Through the ups and downs of school, work, moving, and even now, we've always had each other's backs and shared countless moments of laughter and ugly cackling because we can't take shit seriously, ever. She's one of my best friends for life and I can't imagine NOT having her around!

@todomitoukei was one of the first friends I made in this fandom. I can always count on her to make the funniest jokes I've ever heard, especially during a completely serious conversation, and I'm astounded how smart, quick-witted, and talented she is. Truly an inspiration. I always look forward to seeing notifications that she messaged me because she brightens my day <3

I've had the great pleasure of meeting and hugging @hamliet TWICE! She has a generous heart and an inviting, calm aura. Her kindness and intelligence are remarkable. I genuinely enjoy discussing all sorts of topics with her, both silly and serious: life, hopes and dreams, fears and daily struggles, funny memes, reading and writing. I also love seeing her pet photos and can't wait to meet them in the future.

@transhawks is truly my most insane friend, and I say that lovingly and in the most ironic way because he's level-headed, creative, articulate, and self-aware. I'm always learning from him. I can talk to him for hours and never run out of things to say, and I always look forward to his insightful commentary about anything and everything.

And of course, I'm grateful for all the discord shenanigans with my friends: watching the anime together, voice calls, memes, sharing ideas, etc. @chocolate-biscuit who always pops into the chat with funny one-liners that leave me cackling for days when they flash in my head randomly, @bootlickerhawks who is the bestest horse person ever and I get excited to see on my dash, @helga-grinduil who is the saltiest and funniest person on this hellsite and also happens to make the best bnhaedits in this entire fandom, @jecook who is one of the sweetest people I've ever met and can't wait to read fix-it fics from, @mettywiththenotes who sends cute dog pictures and makes the most hilarious memes. Together we are all unhinged, and I love it. Despite living in different time zones, different counties, we've all create a fun space to cohabitate, and I think that's really cool and beautiful.

Hmm. Looks like the real treasure was the friends I made along the way, and the shared trauma of having our favorite characters mishandled by their creator was worth it. Can't wait to keep writing fics, making memes, and making new friends like @shortstrawberryshake because of this manga. And, I can't wait to keep loving Touya and Shouto Todoroki, of course <3

#bnha #bnha 430 #just julie things

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moonlight-prose · 1 year

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WARM GLOW

a/n: i wrote this quickly because the idea was sweet and soft. also i am just obsessed with the idea of waking up with your lover. so i'll probably write it a million times. in my head this takes place in jackson, when joel is finally at peace.

dedicated to: @sunflowersteves happy birthday babes!! you are an amazing person who i am so lucky to have found in this hellsite. you are the best enabler a girl could ask for, an even greater friend, and i hope your birthday is amazing!! love you babes.🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

summary: his love felt as warm as the afternoon sun.

word count: 481

pairing: joel miller x f!reader

warnings: EXPLICIT SO MINORS DNI, fluff, romance, joel being soft, mentions of p in v sex.

The afternoon sun filling your bedroom was an experience you tried your best to never leave. Staying huddled beneath the warm blankets, your body intertwined with him. It made you smile just thinking about it. About him and his tender touch. His southern drawl that made butterflies explode throughout your entire body. A sensation that you would never get with someone else.

You sighed, feeling his hand slip lower along your side. The callouses caught against your nipple as his other hand went up. Until he was cupping the weight of your breast in his palm, his lips pressing right over your heart. Joel seemed to always have a fascination for your body. Willing to study it like this for hours at a time. Never feeling the need to take it further.

“Good morning,” you smiled, hand falling to rake through his unruly hair. You noticed the darkening blemishes along his neck, trailing down his chest. Last night’s antics looked too good on him; you found that you couldn’t look away yourself.

“Mm,” he hummed, bending down slightly to take your peaked nipple into his mouth. Drawing a soft moan from you. “Mornin’.”

“Ah.” Your nails dug into his shoulder. “Keep doing that and we—oh—we won’t make it out of bed.”

Joel smiled, his eyes meeting yours as his lips trailing along your chin, moving to lay entirely over your body. “That’s the point honey.”

As tempting as he sounded, you could feel a slight rumble in your stomach, your body demanding breakfast. “I was thinking we could make pancakes,” you said, catching his attention. “With some coffee. And then…come back here?”

“I like the sound of that,” he said softly.

“Then we should get up.”

The smirk on his face told you otherwise. “Or,” he breathed, his lips catching yours in a kiss, his tongue sliding along yours and stealing your breath away.

He drew your leg up over his hip, taking a very familiar position that usually occurred at a time like this. Something about the afternoon sun made Joel less eager to get out of bed. He smiled against your lips, swallowing down your moans as he pressed his cock into you slowly. The drag of him against your walls nearly made you dizzy, your hand twisting into his hair to keep a hold of something while he dragged you to the edge of heaven and back.

“Joel,” you gasped, feeling so full you could barely take a full breath.

He felt his cock twitch at the sight of your glazed eyes, your mouth parted in bliss. “We could do this,” he mumbled, setting your entire body ablaze.

You had to admit…his choice was a whole lot better than getting up from your small world you shared with him. Eventually the sun would disappear, life would be set back on course, but that was then. This was now.

#joel miller x f!reader #joel miller x reader #joel miller x you #joel miller x y/n #joel miller #joel miller smut #joel miller drabble #the last of us #my writing

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victoriaspriing · 9 months

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2023 writing gif-making round up

Rules (adapted for fic, gifs, art, etc.): Share what you made this year! It can be works you posted to Ao3, Wattpad, Tumblr, or anywhere else! You can share everything you made or just the projects you're most excited about.

I was tagged by @swearphil! thank you sm renee <33

Hii!! so 2024 is right around the corner, happy new year yayay. Actually, if I think too much about it I think I'll start crying cause like what do you mean we're less than 42 hours from staring a new year?!! 2023 doesn't feel real tbh time in general doesn't feel real but yeah anyways I'll save that convo for another time. I'm here today to reflect on all the gifsets I've made throughout this year, which let me add, has been A LOT. I'm going to start by sharing some fun stats (yes renee I'm copying you <33), and then I'll do a fun top 5 of my fave gifsets, and to finish it off I'd also like to use this to shout out some of my fave people and creators on this hellsite cause you all made my 2023 so much better and I love you all for that <333

fun statistics:

In total I made 61 gifsets in 2023

57 are heartstopper (not surprised)

3 are 911 lone star (mostly tarlos)

1 are dan and phil

In august I made 20 gifsets, which are the most gifsets I've made in a month this year

In may I made 1 gifset, which is the month I made less gifsets this year

6 of the gifsets are song lyrics edits

3 of the gifsets are heartstopper comic edits

31 of the gifsets are scenes from heartstopper

6 of the gifsets are heartstopper compilations from s1 and s2

top 5 gifsets from 2023 (in no particular order)

that one dnp gifset: I think most people know that I was and still am a big dan and phil fan, and that I spent most of my teenage years obsessing over them and giffing them and only them. Well, they went on hiatus and they stopped having a big impact on my life util they decided to come back and ruin my life again (in a good way). This gifset was the first time I giffed them since like idk 2019/2020, and it does mean a lot to me :') it's not really about the concept and the coloring, I chose this one to be apart of my top 5 for sentimental reasons, and I think that's valid.

give your friendships the magic you would give a romance: once again, sentimental reasons. when I read this quote on loveless it just spoke to me in so many levels. One of the things I love the most about heartstopper is the importance they give to friendship and I just had to make something that highlighted that and I think it turned out super good.

I think nellie loves him: well, now I think I snapped with this one akdhjahak I just love it so much. the coloring.. the heartstopper tv scenes with the heartstopper comic scenes, like chef's kiss, just perfect. of course this is not an original idea so I'd love to thank @rose-nobles for inspiring this gifset <33

mr. ajayi loves museum dates with his grumpy bf: and just like that we are back to sentimental reasons ahdhkas. well, this was one of the first gifsets I made when season two came out and it blew up. I've never had that many notes on a gifset, and honestly I think it's well deserved cause the coloring is good and I had finally just figured out how to sharpen gifs, so yeah love that for me.

I'm bi actually: I had so much fun making this one. the amount of bi coded elements and colors I included on this, I WAS ON A MISSION. the fact I made the font wobbly hsjgdjaka, I love love this gifset.

a little shout out to my faves (I hope you all have an amazing 2024)

@swearphil ☆ @barrowsteeth ☆ @narliee ☆ @cafecdramin ☆ @heroeddiemunson ☆ @nelsonnicholas ☆ @curlyhairedprince ☆ @wylanvannecks ☆ @aimeegbbs ☆ @indimlights ☆ @jelloandsugar ☆ @perrieedwards ☆ @imogen-heaney ☆ @thatwasthenightthingschanged ☆ @klinejack ☆ @birthdaysentiment ☆ @seeleybooth ☆ @sonseulsoleil ☆ @taraolssons ☆ @immortals-malec ☆ @parissquads ☆ @rose-nobles ☆ @itwasmagic ☆ @perccyjackson ☆ @naomismcpherson ☆ @neverfindmegone ☆ @charlieisverybored

Okay I think that's it, I'm so sorry if I missed someone. I'm also tagging everyone that wants to do this, just say I tagged you in it <33

#tag games #this was fun

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arctixout · 9 months

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What a year!

I've had probably one of the best years so far in my life, so many good things happened, I got to travel the country and experience a lot of cool things and make a lot of new, like-minded friends.

On top of all that I spent a lot of time here on this everburning hellsite being as normal as possible or disfigured on the floor, eating the walls and bedrock. And also getting to know lovely babyboos all around the world! I'd like to thank everybody who's interacted with my posts somehow, that's what keeps us content creators going, especially I want to give a thousand forehead kisses to people who reblog and go on about God-knows-what in the tags, they're always a lot of fun to read :) ❤

I'm not too good at writing long thank you posts, so I'm going to smack my top 10 original posts that have gotten the most notes this year in here as well, so enjoy some classic arcti content!

arcti's top 10 posts in 2023

10. Bojan's job crisis - 172 notes

9. Cat collaboration goes just as well as you'd expect - 173 notes

8. The first soft Jan hours - 175 notes

7. Bojan's most adorable smile - 180 notes

6. Bojan's one DVD screensaver shaped brain cell - 183 notes

5. Nace kicking off the doors of the closet he and Jan were in -195 notes

4. Bojan, Jan, and the ananaslonkero hat - 222 notes

Sharing the 2nd and 3rd places are, funnily enough,

The homophobojan masterpost - notes 265 notes

and

The totally legit Jance confirmation (they are married and together) - 265 notes

(god I love poetic cinema)

And of course, who else could be on the first place other than Stožice Kris with 281 notes! I gotta say, this is my favorite gif set of mine so far as well ♥!

And with that I hope you all have a wonderful new year's eve and a glorious 2024! Europe tour 2.0 can't start soon enough!!!

#joker out #bojan cvjetićanin #jan peteh #kris guštin #nace jordan #jure maček #*my gifs

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hellsite-detective · 9 months

Note

*sighs in relief* (anon looking for the red blog with a blue eye pfp)

My most notable post, and the one this blog reblogged multiple times that brought our paths across each other, was a "do you love the color of the sky" post, but I made it extra long. Like, several times as long as the original. It was evil, I know. It was for April Fools. The blog I'm looking for reblogged it from me en masses, a good 20-40 times in a row. That's what made me take notice of them. Most of the time I just reblogged posts, but that one was a special occasion. I also had a bunch of back and forth posts with a different mutual, tagged #homeskillet, which might be unique enough to be of use? Oh, and one of my most popular posts was a Awsten from the band Waterparks that I edited to have transparent hair so it would change color with your blog theme (made that for a friend). Maybe that would help? The blog I'm looking for never reblogged that post, but it still might be worth something?

My old blog used to be ftinally (currently on anon because my new url is extremely similar, but I've had too many bad experiences with sending asks off anon and then getting a bunch of hateful asks in response that I'm wary of attaching my url to asks).

The title of my blog was "don't write yourself off yet", like the Jimmy Eat World song. It was only deleted around September/October, so the trail isn't too cold yet. Hopefully some of that information is useful? Thank you so much for looking into this!

finally... a lead. first thing was first, i saw the mention of "do you love the color of the sky" and jumped for joy. see, i'm very close with Madame Curator, @hellsite-hall-of-fame. and dare i say she is the Queen of the Sky. i went to her and asked for any extra long color of the sky posts, to which she sent me two different variants. however, neither of these were gettin' me where i needed to go. luckily, i was provided a blog name i could track! doin' quite a bit of diggin' i managed to stumble across the aformentioned Awsten post. now, i know that i was told that the missing person hadn't reblogged this one, but at least i could confirm this was what i was lookin' for.

so, i went down to my ol' pal, Google, to see if they knew anything about "tumblr ftinally." and they handed me a whole laundry list of links. it was time to meticulously check every single one of these. i was hopin' to stumble across the color of the sky image that my client had mentioned. unfortunately, i wasn't findin' the color of the sky post. however, i went back to the Awsten post and thought i might be able to use that as a lead. problem was, that wasn't gonna do me much good. usin' the Wayback Machine and searchin' for the blog's address also wasn't doin' me much good, and i was gettin' worried this was gonna be a dead end.

i hate to do this again, but is it possible you have any defining characteristics of that color of the sky post you made? any accompanying text, tags you may have used, or even original image files and could reverse image search? and of course, feel free to message me this information in private if it's too personal to share in an ask, or not mention it at all if you're not comfortable!

additionally, when you say "red blog" do you mean the blog had a red theme, or the blue eye was on a red background in the actual image? that also may help to narrow the search!

i will not give up on you, anon. i will find your mutual if it's the last thing i do!

Post Case: Under Investigation

#im gonna find this #i swear on my life i will see this case through to the end #ask #hellsite detective #post case under investigation

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painfullymeta · 5 months

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Warning: I'm Gonna Be Earnest Now

I am deep in my feels right at the moment so I am actually making a post of my own on this, the deep in my feels hellsite.

I am late GenX. (Not quite what gets called Xennial IMO but definitely in what gets called the Oregon Trail (Micro)Generation.) And for all you young whippersnappers, you have to understand "The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there.” ( - L. P. Hartley)

I am old enough to remember when AIDS was named GRID. ("Gay-related immune deficiency.”) I am old enough to remember ACT-UP, the Reagans’ abandonment, “If I die of AIDS just leave me on the steps of the FDA”, all those things that tired older people on tumblr try to remind people of when the TERFs come around to tell us to stop saying “queer” as if Queer Nation was a goddamn hallucination I had when I was a kid.

On the last day of high school, after the last exam, when none of us would have to ever see each other again if we so chose – that was the day that one of my friends, someone I had eaten lunch near every day since partway through freshman year, said to me “I have something to tell you. I’m gay.” And then he followed it up with “Is that okay?”

I hugged him. He broke my goddamn heart and I hugged him. "Is that okay," he asked me. Is it okay to be who I am, near you.

I was in college before I met someone who identified herself as a lesbian — and I went to a women’s college until I lost my shit and dropped out, and I expect that if I hadn’t done that I might have gone longer.

(Of course at the same time as I was clueless and not meaningfully connected with any sort of queer culture I somehow wound up with a friendgroup who, if we got bored and couldn’t come up with anything else to do, would watch the Rocky Horror Picture Show together. This is what we did instead of going to Homecoming.)

By 2000, I was vaguely aware of trans things existing, and in fact met my first trans person while at Brighton Pride that year, though we didn’t really speak (I was there as the guest of some people in his extended social group) and I was vaguely confused and too awkward to try to do more than ‘observe and try not to fuck this up’. I met a nonbinary person for the first time around then as well, and zie was the only one I knew of for nearly a decade.

By the mid-oughts I was with it enough to ask someone what pronouns she wanted me to use for her before sharing something about her on a message board.

(I am also old enough to have spent time on multiple message boards. I’m old enough to resent the internet going through the world wide web instead of email and usenet actually.)

Sometime in the early oughts I guess I was at the subcommittee hearing in the Boston State House that was discussing, among other things, whether we might consider possibly condescending to allow same-sex couples to marry. I was even going to testify! (Please be impressed with my early twenties autistic ass I was terrified.) There was a guy there - a senator on the committee - who was asking every person who came up if they were going to force his church to marry the gays. Catholic, y’know, this being Massachusetts. I revised my speech in my head to note that if we weren’t forcing the Catholic churches to marry divorcees yet he didn’t need to worry about it.

(Then my nose decided to haemhorrage all over my entire life and I couldn’t get it to stop bleeding so rather than testify while looking like an entire murder victim I went home.)

I was in my thirties when pregnancy-induced dysphoria made me start seriously thinking about my own sense of gender.

I was in my forties before I bought a binder.

I am from another fucking planet. (The past is a foreign country.)

I know kids - multiple kids - who knew enough to identify as lesbians at an age younger than I think I knew that word. (And I am one of those humans of freakish and unreasonable vocabulary and always have been.)

I crack jokes with one of my kids about the Queer Kids Stairs at their school, because that’s where the GSA kids hang out together after activities get out. (While GSAs were around while I was a kid, they started in Massachusetts according to Wikipedia and that is not where I was when I was a kid, and to my best recollection I didn’t hear about them existing at all until I was an adult.)

I live in a world where my social circles include queer people of my generation, of older generations, of younger generations, and oh my gods, I look at the kids and my heart tries to explode.

My oldest knows more than one trans kid. More than one *affirmed* trans kid. (And we’ve talked a bit about the social dynamics that might make it more likely for the trans boys to be out than the trans girls, even now.)

And I’m writing this because of one of those trans boys, who is in the Coming of Age group at our church, and who is, apparently, in his credo, citing that thing I’ve seen on the tumblrs more than once, about how being trans means being a participant in the holy, divine process of creation, coming into being as himself.

And guys?

I’m not from the same planet as that kid.

Because I’m in my forties and I don’t even know what I’m creating. And I’m terrified.

And here’s this kid coming out there with that as a core statement of belief that he’s prepared to stand up in front of, as the phrase goes ‘God and everyone’, to claim.

(I need to remember to talk to him about how in my Craft tradition there’s a canonically transmasc god.)

I know I’ve got at least two teenagers reading me and I just. Y’all got this. I know it’s hard and the world is scary and it’s fucking coming for us all but you are amazing and I am so full of inarticulate alexithymic feelings about all of you. The ones I know and the ones I don't.

We've come a long way from "Is that okay?" and you heal my broken heart.

#kids have a handle on the real problem here #trans issues #queer issues #dear diary tumblr #parenting notes

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thenotebookwizard · 4 months

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Seven years?

Seven years ago today, I lost my fiance to a stroke. They and I didn't meet on tumblr, but tumblr forged a lot of our relationships and mutual friends.

Tumblr was our internet home, and super important to them. They got me on Ye Olde Hellsite, and today I miss them - a lot. Seven years, and you're still helping me chart my course. Seven years, and you're still changing the way I think.

Remembering how you dealt with anxiety helped me when I suddenly got anxiety in my late 30s. (Oh, you would have been empathetic, compassionate, and teased me mercilessly.)

I think, as my first real 'new' fandom in a long time, you would have loved She-Ra even more than I do. You would have been there for the side characters. You would have been there for the characters I don't understand, and you would have helped me see them - and write them - clearer.

And oh, you would have given me such shit for having so many longfic ideas. And been poking me (literally) for writing more angst, not fluff.

I miss you today as much as I missed you then.

(And you would have loved the new kittens. Spoiled them. And laughed at me when Adora cuddles instead of letting me write.)

I know since you've gone, some of your favorites have passed on. You've met the Green Ranger. You've met Bray Wyatt. I know you're on the next great adventure, surrounded by the dogs and cats that got there first.

Though it's going to be awhile, I know I'll see you again.

Below the cut, I've shared the eulogy I wrote and gave for Kalen.

A Eulogy for Kalen Lei Perez (February 27, 1991 - June 1, 2017) Service held: June 24, 2017 at Cook Walden Capitol Parks, Austin TX

I want to talk to you about fear and I want to talk to you about courage - because I can't talk about Kalen without talking about the experiences that framed her life. Fear and courage are not two sides of the same coin; you can be afraid without being courageous, but you cannot be courageous without first being afraid.

And Kalen was always afraid.

She experienced the world through fear created by anxiety. What most people call 'mental illness' is commonly thought of as disorders of behavior - of thinking, feeling and reacting in the 'wrong' way. But Kalen and I always thought of mental illness as neurological conditions, of something physically wrong with that most important organ - the brain - causing someone to have disordered responses to common stimuli. To her and to me, 'mental illness' is an physical as a broken leg.

I'm not talking to you about mental illness to lecture about how awfully we think about and treat people with these conditions, but to give you an idea of who she was how she thought and why it matters. Because Kalen saw her illness the way she did she knew her brain was lying to her all the time. Her brain lied about what she should have been afraid of, why she should have been afraid and all the terrible ways she should have dealt with her fear. She was legally blind, had essential tremors and brain damage from concussions that caused never ending vertigo. Her brain lied to her about what the world looked like. About where the ground was under her feet.

She had to be unspeakably brave just to just stand up in the morning and take a few steps away from our bed. She had to summon immense courage to walk out our front door. And she did. She got out of bed. She went out our front door, even though going out your front door and stepping onto the road is a dangerous business - if she lost her step, she might never find her footing again.

She lived her life like a hero from stories. "Go back?" She would ask. "No good at all! Go sideways? Possible, but why? Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!" And so up she would get and trot along, cane in one hand and the other hand feeling the wall.

And she kept going forward, because 'little by little, one travels far.'

Kalen knew better than most what kind of terrible things can happen to people when they go out their front door or even when they stay at home. She didn't let that stop her; while the world is indeed full of peril and in it there are many dark places, Kalen knew there is still much that is fair.

Of course, she believed this because of statistics and math. She knew her brain lied to her about the probability of those terrible things befalling her, of encountering those awful people. So she memorized statistics and did the math. Those statistics and that math told her she was more likely to be struck by lightning than it was that most of those awful things would happen to her.

She relied on that empirical proof to overcome the lies her brain told her- and she walked out our front door, talked to people and did all the things she could live a full and fulfilling life. Many of us were lucky enough to get to know her because she chose to believe facts instead of fears.

She would be laughing at me right now, with all my paraphrasing JRR Tolkien and all my comparing her to a hero - and she did love heroes and stories about heroes. She would argue - and she did love to argue - that she was a simple person living a simple life. Tolkien would, say that 'it is no bad thing to celebrate a simple life' - but Kalen didn't know how to do simple, no matter how often she claimed she did. If there was a more difficult path to take, she would take it, just to see if she could. What hero could resist challenging themselves?

And how could I not make the comparison?

We met in a place called Dragon's Lair after all. She was a work study student and I was assigned to train her. She stuck with me, working even when she didn't have to, because she was determined to make her temporary job into a permanent job. It didn't take long before all the geeks (which is to say 'everyone we worked with') were calling her my Padawan - which is 'Star Wars' for protege.

I didn't know it at the time, but she was determined to change my role in her life from temporary to permanent. Much like when we adopted our first dog, she had chosen the largest, fluffiest and most pathetic creature in the room and decided to keep them. I do not have the words to say how I glad I am that she did.

I didn't make it easy for her to convince me we should be together, because I'm often too stubborn for my own good. She was sneaky about it, too, always getting me to take her to dinner to discuss things. At first, work - and later my objections to dating again at all - and eventually my objections to dating someone so much younger than me.

I couldn't understand. How could she want to be with me, when my life was a quicksand quagmire of bad decisions and absurdly impossible hopes too vague to even be ideas? But she was right about us and in what felt like no time at all, Kalen became an integral, important part of my life - the first person I wanted to see in the morning and who I wanted to talk to just before I slept. The more time I spent with her, the more my life became about us - about her - instead of about me; the more time I spent with her, the firmer the ground under my feet.

Between Kalen's courageous refusal to give up on me and some sage scolding from my mother - whom she had somehow enlisted to her cause - she and I got (officially) together soon after she got a full time position at Dragon's Lair - which she held until she literally could not work.

I am forever grateful she didn't give up on me, because she brought depth and magnitude and meaning into my life that I didn't know I needed, even when I was living the geek dream of working at comic and game store. An awesome adventure to be sure, but not one most of us can make a career of.

She could have, though. She wanted to.

And as far as I know, that job was still there, waiting for her get better. If anyone could have made it back to work after everything she'd gone through, it would be Kalen. Like every hero, she achieved things the rest of us marvel at.

That job meant a lot to her - not just because she was exceptionally good at it, but because of what she got to share with people. Kalen actively sought out joy - sought out things to be happy about, things to enjoy and things to explore - and people she wanted to keep. Every person she met knew it. Could feel it - the light she carried with her and that childlike excitement she refused to give up, that she shared with us all the time.

And that was her job. To share that joy with everyone who walked into that store.

It took heroic courage for her to do her job when her anxiety told her to be afraid of people, afraid of making a mistake - any mistake, afraid of disappointing other people - or worse, herself. Every day, she overcame her fears and did her job with exuberance. But she didn't just overcome the fear once a day when she went to work. Or a few times a day at work. Every moment of every day was a heroic choice to face and overcome her fear.

That decision to be courageous didn't stop when she couldn't work anymore. Some of you know that last November, she had her first seizure and spent a few weeks in the hospital. Soon after she got home, we had to let our first dog - a Great Pyrenees named Odin - cross the rainbow bridge. We still had our dog Patch, but one dog was not enough dogs for Kalen and she was worried Patch would be lonely once she got back to work and wouldn't be at home all the time. So, we looked for a new dog and found Texas Great Pyrenees Rescue. We went to one event - less than a month after she got out of the hospital - and before we left, Kalen had decided she wanted to foster rescue dogs. So, we fostered rescue dogs. Not always an easy thing, but it is worth doing.

We never missed a rescue event after that. No matter how bad she felt, no matter how weak her legs were, how much her hands shook, how uncertain that ground under her feet was, no matter how loudly her brained screamed lies and fears at her - she went to every single event. Because she was going to be a voice for those hurt and scared dogs and make sure they found their people.

That was heroic, too. Because it is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keeps the darkness at bay - the small acts of kindness and love.

Kalen wasn't just courageous for herself - she had courage enough she could (and did) share it with the rest of us. She encouraged us to be writers, artists, dancers, actors, business owners - anything and everything we thought we wanted to do, Kalen was there to tell us to do it.

Because - why not?

That was her secret. She was always afraid, so there was no reason not to do things. Her brain told her nothing could ever go well, so there was no reason not to try to do the big, scary things. And she would be right there beside you the entire journey. Kalen never lost faith in her people, no matter how hard things got. She agreed with Tolkien - faithless are they who say farewell when the road darkens.

She gave me courage when it was time for me to leave Dragon's Lair and rebuild an old career. She gave me courage when it was finally time for me to seriously pursue being a professional writer. She gave me courage to keep working and fighting even when my own illnesses and conditions made me just want to lay down and sleep. She gave me hope as I considered a future where I could end up disabled and wracked with pain. She shared with me her joy, her excitement, her love and her life and gave me everything I never knew I wanted from a relationship.

Now, standing here without her, I've realized it's my turn to be afraid - because - because I am afraid to go forward in life without her. I'm not sure where I'm supposed to go next or what I'm supposed to do next, but I do know that I cannot go backwards, there is no reason to go sideways, so I will pick up my bag and I will keep going forward, even if I have to put one hand on the wall so I don't fall over.

I will keep going forward because she showed me how. And I will try to carry that depth, meaning and magnitude she gave me with me for the rest of my life. She would never have believed it, but she was the small person Tolkien envisioned who changed the course of my future, who showed me it was possible to do impossible things.

And I will say goodbye with one last thought from Tolkien: that I was glad to have gone through one lifetime with her than have faced all the ages of my life without her.

#me #my life #the wizard writes #Kalen #Aloyran #anniveries #I miss you

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ninacarstairss · 5 months

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hello cece my beloved soulmate!! hope you are doing well!

i just wanted to ask a cheeky little question! so i am planning to visit italy at one point before i go back to australia and i was wondering if you had any personal recommendations of places to go to?? i would only trust your judgement!

anyways, i adore you, i’m leaving all the jaffa cakes and tea MWAH

nero my beloved soulmate!!!! i’ve been off this hellsite way too long, i’ve missed you!!!! <333

how are you doing?? how’s the uk?? have u visited any more interesting places??

anyways, absolutely!!! ugh there are so many places that would be worth a visit here, but if you ask me i would say aim for either the center or the south regions. i live in tuscany and i can say it’s always been one of my favorite spots in italy, the central regions like tuscany and umbria and even lazio with rome, they have all these really antique cities that you can’t miss. tuscany is full of vineyards and medieval cities, there’s obviously florence that is amazing but also lucca, pisa, arezzo, and the smaller cities like san gimignano, san quirico d’orcia, monteriggioni, pontedera, and so many more that feel like they are stuck in the medieval and renaissance times, you’ll feel like you’re literally walking in the past. and lazio too, i mean rome is absolutely something you can’t miss. it’s out of this world, there’s something new to discover at every corner and you’ll eat some of the most amazing meals ever. it’s very touristy of course, but it’s worth it. i’ve been to rome a thousand times and i still keep finding new hidden gems whenever i go back. (and in case you do get to rome i have a cute little restaurant to recommend, i’ve eaten there more times than i can count and it never disappointed once!!!)

i’ve traveled less in the south but i can say that puglia and sicily are my absolute go to spots for that part of italy. it’s a very different scenario, they’re even more stuck in the past, in greek times even, and it’s magical. i don’t know how many days you’re planning to visit so i don’t know if you can do both regions because sicily is an island so it takes a bot of travel to get there, but still i would highly recommend both!!

i think i’ve rambled on long enough now 😂 so when are you planning to visit?? i’m really curious to hear about what you do and what you’ve been doing so far too!!! i’ve really missed you a ton <333

i’m sharing all these jaffa cakes with you and a lot of biscoff cheesecake too <3333

#nero my beloved <3

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slashingdisneypasta · 6 months

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So I clearly missed some things due to my severe lack of activeness on this hellsite (derogatory) but I'd very much like to know more about Then He Got Rough if you feel comfortable sharing.

If not though, that's totally okay!! Either way, hope you're doing well, my friend 💜🙏🏻

!!!! Thats my Original Work!! I occasionally mention it on here, but I do need to be quite careful about what I say cuz theirs a lotta stuff in it that is meant to be a surprise XD But goddddddddddddddd I love talking about it, so thank you for asking!! ^^

Basically it is a small town murder mystery, but using Slasher Movie Tropes. Its also got a lotta platonic love and other more complicated kinds of relationships because I'm, of course, aro and I need that shit XD Here's a basic blurb I made up for someone else who asked one time ^^

Hallie (the virgin) meets Edward Brown (the killer) and they hit it off- she's exactly the kinda girl he likes; friendly, kinda reserved, and they have... err- certain things from their pasts... in common, it turns out. And to her, Edward's the perfect guy, too! He's a young English teacher at the high school and he's got this skinny Clark Kent thing about him?? Awkward, and funny. She doesn't realise he's a part of the little town's most powerful (and tight-lipped) family, the Bamford's (He was adopted into it- Edward Bamford-Brown), until she tells her best friend and roommate Maggie (the whore) about him. Maggie immediately develops a bad taste in her mouth when it comes to Edward. She goes rogue and decides to investigate, employing Hallie's family doctor, Arthur (the scholar), and his old friend/new roommate combo; anxious ex-con Rodney (the fool), who just so happens to be Edwards adoptive aunt Carla Bamford's ex husband. Doors are opened for Maggie into the world of the Bamford's through Arthur and Rodney, and Winnie Bamford (the athlete) later on, and she uncovers some bone chilling secrets about everyone in this family, and everyone a r o u n d them, too, that make her determined to save her friend before its too late.

**You might also be interested to know that, in my head, Rodney (Who is a very charismatic, but very anxious man who used to do some pretty bad things but feels terrible (he knows his behaviour had everything to do with self-loathing) is really truly trying to clean up his act these days post-divorce; rooming with his old friend Arthur and working at the grocery store as its the only job he could get) is played by a more middle-aged Robert Englund XDD (Closer to Professor Wexler in Urban Legend then Inkubus) . Arthur is played by Brad Dourif XDD (so yes- freddy kruger and chucky XD Of course.)

Some little tid-bits I can/want to share also:

The Bamford Family Line-Up:

Mrs Emily Bamford: The matriarch. A cold-hearted snake woman. She pretty much only loves Edward.

Mayor Richard Bamford: He and Em were highschool sweethearts back in the day but broke up when he left to pursue politics in a big city-- but mysteriously came back and married Emily a few months later despite everyone knowing he was doing so well in the city?? Took the Bamford name and everything. Its rumoured that Emily's parents blackmailed him *cough*. Everyone knows Emily is in charge. Richard always looks kind of like a show pony next to her, despite being actual Mayor.

Carla Bamford: Emily's adopted sister and town journalist. She's kinda lily-livered. The only thing she really stood against the family about was her marriage to Rodney (They didn't approve. He was a damn con), but even that fell apart eventually.

Rodney Hawk (Formally Bamford. They made him take their name but he's got his back, now): I already talked about him XD

Edward Bamford-Brown: THE MAIN VILLAIN. Edward is Emily and Richard's adopted son, the same age as their biological daughter (Winnie. up next) who... well, its no secret- is the favourite. Emily would let him get away with anything. She would help him get away with anything. He can do no wrong, in her eyes.

Winnie Bamford: Emily and Richard's biological daughter. She's an insane freak- they sent her away to boarding school in Georgia but she came back worse, and there are s o many rumours about her in town; Orgies and deviant sexual activity, mostly (most of it is true, too). She has a major thing for 'Uncle Rodney' and makes him very very uncomfortable. On the bright side though?? She's more then happy to fuck things up for her spiteful mother by assisting Maggie to uncover some dark secrets (: She wont make it easy, though 😅 That would be no fun.

Unnamed Bamford Family Member: I cant tell you anything about them, whoops.

And Tom Manning: Richard's best friend, and the town lawyer (Edwards lawyer). So close with Rich and Em (And Winnie and Edward) that he's practically part of the family. I have described him as 'a hot dill pickle in a sharp suit if he was a harvard law graduate'. He's slimy, charismatic and seemingly perfect.

Here are the main characters Looks, if you're interested 😅

(Also another little thing that is really just a convoluted blink-and-you'll-miss-it kind of inside joke- Maggie, who has a huge thing for Arthur and constantly describes his eyes as 'brad dourif-blue', is a major Childs Play fan.

... and hallie loves a nightmare on elm street *cough*. she doesnt really interact with rodney, but during the few times they do, they totally have Something. and when she describes her perfect guy?? its the opposite to edward. its rodney. anyway- )

Anyway, thank you for asking! And reading, if you made it this far XDD Sorry for the word-vomit!! I just really really love this story and I really hope one day I can finish it ^^ <3<3<3<3<3<3

I hope you are doing well too- better then before at least ^^ I hope the time away from Tumblr is doing you well! You're right, it can be a very harmful atmosphere and I'm so proud of you for knowing when you need to take a step back!! 💛💛💛💛💛

#Then He Got Rough

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