#so now im back in my home country and im feeling anxious about whats the right choice

[lesbianwithchainsaws]

They should invent a "trying to convince yourself that things will be okay" that works and is easy

[missfertileandferal]

lowkey super anxious to post this but im missing you guys so much <3

i plan on a solid return soon! i just wanted to get off my chest whats been going on:

Earlier this year, I dealt with an awful situation of my kinky stuff leaking into real life. My insane coworkers found my content and as I was serving on the clock, proceeded to show my customers and all the staff. then i was fired. Im traumatized to say the least but I over came it.

Come mid summer, I planned so step back for a little bit to move apartments no more than a couple weeks. What happened was both my job (i worked with close family friends so stressful) and a really bad situation with a companion found about my kink stuff. i never expected or was prepared for the humiliation, deception, and pain that would come from my fetish journey

My last job was such a loss. I had been blessed with a cute job as a medical office assistant without any credentials (i wasnt doing anything out of my capabilities of course) it was so peaceful and perfect compared to the drama of my last gig plus working with familiar people felt just like home honestly. Then I got covid. I was out for 2 weeks, at the same time i was moving into my new place. I tried calling them back to let them know I was cleared and ready to get back to work. I received a humiliating text. I was dismissed. That turned into a crippling anxiety of them confessing to my family what I do in my past time

The following week I was met with more disappointment. Ive said this before but I dont have many people in my corner. It used to suck to admit but I stand with pride now knowing those who are around me love me 100% regardless what I do or dont do.

One of my dearest dearest friends, who I had previously communicated what I do (not to a full extent they always respected it) called me very dramatically only a week before I planned to see them (they live across the country and we ALWAYS visit each other when in our cities) It still doesnt feel real tbh, the call only last 40 seconds. I was informed that “I was going on the wrong path” and could no longer be associated with. That’s alls that happened. 8 years down the drain

I was informed by outside sources that my hometown opps had gotten hold of my content (who my ex friend still associate with but I despise bc they’ve always been obsessed with me but in a bad way) and they had confronted him about being my friend. he pussied out and cut me off. they also mass reported my last instagram account😡🤬

I had to take some time back to seriously debate if these loses were worth it. I was swallowed with so much anxiety knowing that an uncomfortable amount of people in my zip code knew what ive been up to. its already complicated being into this and while at the same time not being in a plus size body. thats another conversation tho

That debate has turned into me accepting these events as the universe weeding out people/things that no longer serve me. This has shown peoples true colors, if I am not to be associated with because of my sexual freedom, body acceptance, and undoing of fat phobia then PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE.

Im recovering ❤️‍🩹 but my heart and hedonism can’t be helped. i love being a kinky lil gut slut. its helped me grow in so many ways from acceptance to living an esoteric dreamy life. i love all the hot girls and guys that i see on my timeline. they hype me up and vise versa. i love this little corner of the internet. my fellow freaks keep me going. i’ve been so on and off online but every time i come back to the sweetest words and support. thank you guys for your patience and consideration

my anxiety is to the roof as im typing. its crazy that these privacy problems havent been within the actual community. funny. if your still reading this I love you extra. ill be streaming on ig on my comeback day!

new ig acc @missfertileandferal💘

[wszczebrzyszynie]

sorry for the train ride… I hope the destination is at least interesting. I would LOVE to hear more about Przemek… he’s one of my absolute faves and I would honestly love to hear anything about him… maybe what inspired you to make him? or how he feels about his sexuality? or maybe his ethnicity (which I remember you saying you didn’t really have an answer for, but maybe you could talk about possible ideas you’ve had for it or how it affects his personality/how people treat him)

Nothing to be sorry for. i love trains. But it is a long trip with nothing but my phone and one book. Well not anymore im in Gdańsk now

Any way this is fun Przemek is one of my favourites as well. I created him because i wanted Ryba to have more friends, so he was very much a side/background character that i learned to love very much very quickly. Im not even sure why. Design wise there were plenty of inspirations... mainly the unbread twins from omori (which i think is where Lena came from as well and it shows), Artur from parties are for losers and Norton IDV (hence the scar... in the first draft Przemek was also a miner so it was very much my Norton at home). He used to be the straight man to Rybas whole... being at that time. They used to be childhood friends but Przemek was the smarter and more of a loner of the two. Tried looking for some old art of him but couldnt find much

Sexuality wise hes mostly in denial. He doesnt like thinking of himself as queer and doesnt want to be considered a part of the community, which affects the way he treats others (initial embarrasement to be seen with Ryba or Mikita, who are either visibly queer or just simply stand out; he grows out of it as the story progresses) and later on shapes his relationship with Ryba (mostly his struggles with being vunreable and opening up mixed with a very crushing need to be normal; he tends to force himself to do things he doesnt really want but thinks will be either for the ultimate greater good or just to be able to lie to himself more, either harming himself or Ryba in the process. Communication is a skill they both are learning as they go but it is a hard one)

And exact ethnicity wise I Dont Know. Well i mean he is polish ethnically and culturally but he does have darker skin from back where the story was set in a fictional dystopian world and i never figured out how to make it work with the background he has in current more historically grounded DNS. Most probably will never know until it just dawns on me one day. In the original DNS story hes simply "from here" (as is the case with most of the characters) and it doesnt really shape his experience as much as his class and upbringing does; hes catholic, he speaks polish, his family are peasants and hes a working man. In modern au its a different case that i dont know how to resolve and he does have a different experience with it; i dont like being cruel to my characters, especially with things i dont have personal experiences with, but i do know my country pretty well, so i can imagine some of the hardships he has to go through. It definitely can be a stress factor; hes a shy, slightly anxious person (which he doesnt even realize that he is? Second nature), so "standing out" and possible conftontations that can come with looking different in a relatively middle sized nowhere town is something he had to learn how to ignore throughout his life. I will finish this by saying i think it would be funny if it turned out some of his ancestors are from the old yugoslavia but not to explain anything just because i think at some point he used to be half balkan (and also many other slavic identites) . No clue from where exactly and it wouldnt affect him at all. Normal thing in lower silesia but he is from the other side of the country. Sadly. Bit of a lacking response hope you can forgive me for that

[sakurabutterflyart]

Without you (Delta Dawn x John Dory 🧡💙)

(ART/IG: @/ burntzbread) [note: hope you don't mind me using you art as reference, I'll take it down if you don't, it's sorta my inspiration while writing this TT]

(WARNING: English is not my first language)

The trolls in the Country Village, Lonesome Flats. Have known Mayor Delta and John Dory's relationship for a year now. No they weren't dating, they're just close, really close. But they can tell that they really like each other, it annoys them why neither one of them confesses yet.

Though not many country trolls really like John Dory. Cause first of all, he's a pop troll, some of his songs made them sick, he's too loud and even too touchy. Most of all, they worried that it might affect their beloved Mayor and Sheriff from his contagious pop troll nature, that'll affect their village as well.

So yeah, nobody really like nor accept John Dory living in Lonesome Flats... or so they thought.

One day, the rumour of John Dory leaving was spread throughout town. Some rejoices while some really misses him, since he has been a very kind and helpful pop troll to them.

Delta was aware that her friend was part of a band, which is his brothers. JD decided to pay his brothers for a visit, cause its almost been a year since the last time he saw them after saving Floyd. Which means that he has to leave from the country village for a week or 2, leaving everything behind here, that includes Delta.

"Are you gonna be okay while I'm gone?" The turquoise-haired troll asked and held her hand, while carrying both his belongings at his back and holding Rhonda's keys to his other palm. Worried about leaving her behind.

"Pfft! I'll be fine sweetie, you're being so dramatic. I'm a grown lady." The red haired lady scoffed. "You go spend time with your brother, you've already helped us long enough here. Go have a vacation to your real home, dear."

Even though she said that, JD knows that she's not gonna be. For the past few months he knew her. Delta may seem like she's a very tough fiesty mayor that kept everyone safe. He can tell that she's lonely, feeling the pressure of holding responsibility for everyone... much like himself for his family...

The man grabbed her warm hands, caressing in reassurance with an anxious expression on his face "Look, I promise... I'll visit as soon as I can to check on you and everyone... then, we'll go on a date! "

The lady snicker at his sudden silliness, breaking the heavy tension  between them. As expected from him, he always know how to cheer her up... that's what she loves about him....

"Hah, darling, I've already taken care of this village for the past what? 10 years? I can handle your disappearance for another 2 weeks, maybe even a year. And for the last time!  Im NOT going on a date with you! " She joked, giving him an evil smirk. Making him play along again, by acting like someone just stabbed his heart.

"Owww my lady that hurts." He giggled,  making Delta's heart felt a little lighter from joy.

JD turned around, about to enter into Rhonda, but then she saw him turn around,  hesitating to do something. 

Before she could even respond,  she was caught by surprise when JD charged at her with a smirk. He suddenly lifted her up with a hug... like, man! He's so strong! (Or did he secretly work out for this moment hehe) After a few moments of embracing her, he placed her down. But little did Delta know that's not his only surprising gesture.  He rested his lips on her cheeks, embracing this moment he gets to have.

JD immediately run to Rhonda and shut the door before Delta could even hit him with her horse shoes. She blushed deep shades of red, very flustered of what he just did.

"Mr. JOHN DORY!  Don't expect a warm welcome once you've come back!  You're gonna be kissing my fist when you returned!" She yelled, actually out of embarrassment.

"Can't wait honey!" He winked, as he sped up Rhonda so she won't be able to chase him to the driver's seats windows.

And with that... JD just disappeared out of thin air. Like how it was before... it suddenly got... quiet . She thought,  holding the light pressure of JD's lips on her cheek. With a sad expression that everyone in Lonesome Flats noticed... she was missing him already...

Delta turned around and saw that everyone staring at her, "What are you guys doing?  Get back to work!"

She scolded,  that everyone got scared and immediately mind their own business.

TIMESKIP

After JDs disappearance. The country trolls went on their usual routine. That includes Delta Dawn's job as Mayor and Sheriff.

Of course it wasn't the same without John Dory. Hanging around with the guys while playing pop-country songs together with their guitar and helping her around while also cracking jokes to make it more fun.  She find it annoying back then, but she never would've thought she was starting to look for it. Now it was quiet, having lunch alone in her office.

When she came home, she saw Clamper looking a little down while doing her homework. It was an unusual sight,  since whenever she came home she immediately runs to JD to get some upsies,  while he plays along and playfully toss her to the air. Now she just gave her aunt a joyful smile and hug "Hey Aunt Delta, welcome home! "

"Hey my sweet baby, ya hungry?"

"Yes ma'am!" She exclaimed, wanting to light up the mood.

Days went on, work, stress here and there.  The usual routine of going to work, checking up the town, and going home to take care of her niece, repeat for the past week. Then it gets more busy that the country trolls started to notice more changes from Delta ever since the blue haired pop troll disappeared.

Before he came to their lives, Delta was already doing just fine, being a workaholic,  while singing songs in her free time about being "Born to Die" , her life feeling like a routine.

When  that pop troll came, the women who seems to be nothing but work become more and more lively.  They keep seeing her smile and even laugh, being more in the moment. That even her songs becomes a bit more lively. She's even more softer than her tough personality that everyone feared whenever she gets angry,  VERY angry with her temper...

Which is actually...  happening when he left. But worse.

"The Delta Dawn" before John Dory, was back . Not only was she back from being a workaholic, even her temper that everyone feared returned. Another few days has passed, especially when the Country Trolls became busy for an upcoming busy event, she's becoming more stressed and hot headed.

Everybody knows that Delta is just being leader, that she has to be tough for her people to listen, without any bad intention of hurting them. In fact everybody knows she's kind and sweet deep down. But her toughness can get scary that her workers won't be in peace when she is angry.

"Hey I told you to clean this area!"

"Why are the bathrooms sink not fixed yet?!"

"The thieves did what?! Where are they?!"

"I didn't waste the village's finances for it to be nothing! Where's the thing i asked for?!"

Eventually Delta realised her roughness towards her village for the past few days and apologises.

Though everyone was starting to worry about her, despite the fact she apologises. The red haired trolls aura is becoming more scary for them to approach their leader.

"Oh goodness!  Our dear Sheriff has been so stress lately!" A villager spoke,  trying to be quiet so she won't hear them.

"She really needs to rest. She's overexerting herself "

"I can't believe I'm saying this, where is that Pop dude she's always around with?!" A guy asked

"That weirdo?  He came home to visit his bros to the pop village. "

"Well dangitty-doodly! We really need this dude back here if we don't want her to explode at us, especially on tomorrow's very special day!"

And with that,  the country trolls are now starting to look for JD's presence. His their only hope for Delta to calm down.

The day came, everything is going really well with the event. The decorations are aesthetically decorated, music played softly and beautifully,  couples dancing around , giving flowers here and there whether they're friends,  family and lovers...  Yes, it's Valentine's Day.

Everyone is having a great time, Delta? She is, she recieve flowers from Clampers and from her villagers, thanking her for all the hardwork she has done, which made her feel a little better.

She wasn't suppose to go out for Valentine's Day,  she even made sure that everything's finish yesterday.  The lights, the heart shape sweets,  the roses and the music. Everything was done,  even her  own people doesn't mind her resting for this event. But as the Mayor, she was needed. She needs to do the speech of the opening event and gets called out whenever there's an emergency. Unfortunately for her, this year's Valentine's Day is torture for her.

TIMESKIP

It's late evening, the Sheriff finally lays down in her office's coach out of exhaustion.  Finally gets to get away from all of those romantic couples cuddling in public and also some quarrelling between lovers or friends. It was very exhausting.  Thankfully the day is finally over. Being Mayor and Sheriff is tiring,  but it was all worth it to see everyone having a great time.

She sigh, decided to get up and grab some wine that she received. Enjoying the peace and breeze of the night, admiring the lights of her village. She felt a hint of sadness in her chest, as she grabbed some roses, loving the scent, absent-mindedly pluck each petals and let some fall from her window.

"Why do you have to leave? ... in such a very special day... John Dory..." She whispered.  Finally admitting that she misses him. Secretly missing his company, his jokes, his romantic gestures, his cheesy romantic songs and even simply his comforting words whenever she felt the stress of being a leader.

Since when did she gets so attach to him? That life's never been the same without him.

"Why? Do you really wanted me to kiss your fist so badly?" She almost choke at the wine she drunk when she heard a very familiar voice that she haven't heard for 2 weeks.

He was not in her room, she looks around and then spotted a turquoise-haired troll at the side of her window, climbing at the walls with a wide teasing grin on his face that she knows too well. "Hey Ms. Mayor, looking like a hottie as always... Miss me?"

He flirted, internally laughing at her reaction. Though he can't help but lovingly admired her, even by just her presence. "But seriously Delta... you're looking beautiful as always... I miss you..."

She was stunned that she can't say anything but stare, when he finally came in through the window. The silence made John Dory a little scared. Is she mad that he returned late? Or from what he had done from the last time they saw each other?!

"Delta... I'm sorry, my brothers and I have a little bit of an issue back in Pop village and-"

He wasn't able to finish it, when he felt arms went around him, embracing him tightly. The red-haired troll hid her face through his chest, holding him close.

"I thought you weren't coming back..." She spoke up. John was stunned as realization hit him.

"What are you talking about? Of course I'm coming back, I promise didn't I? Not even in this special day... with my favorite lady here, I'm sorry im a bit late..." He was trying to get her to look up, but she doesn't want to,  but just glued herself to his chest, refusing to show her face of which he understood.

Instead, he just caresses the locks of her and returned her embrace, staying quiet for a few minutes and enjoying the peaceful silence they have together.

When they finally let go, Delta immediately wipe her tears and started to act like she never cried at all. JD just pretended that he never saw her puffy eyes and just smiled, that he finally gets to see her again.

"Here... Happy Valentine's day."  He grabbed a rose from the bouquet he was bringing, then pluck the stem along with its thorns, to place the lovely red rose to behind her ears. While giving her the rest of the bouquet.

With that,  they enjoyed the rest of the evening catching up, as they stargaze and loving the view of the village. Drinking some wine and sweets, with romantic country music playing outside.

The Sheriff felt all the heaviness in her chest was lifted and was refreshed by the peace, simply by having his partner by her side.

Yes, this is got to be her most favorite Valentine's Day night...

BONUS: The next day? Yep! The country village was overjoyed of JDs return, dramatically begging him to not leave, and shockingly even ask him to marry the red-haired troll. Which leave the pop troll REALLY confused of their sudden clinginess.

"Umm did I miss something?..."

---

(Thanks for reading!  Please leave a LIKE and a COMMENT and REBLOG, to support this fanfic and if you guys want MORE of this!

and advance Happy Valentine's Day!^^)

[lloydmustache]

He's such a loser to me now. All of my favorite celebs are crashing and burning this year 😭

IMO, Everything we see is in the contract. He isn't married, and he feels bad about lying. I know it eats at him that people in HW know he pulled this embarrassing stunt. He's ashamed, that's why he's hiding. At least disable all of your SM after your true love's bday. I was expecting another photo dump for his true love. He's embarrassed about team real vs. team PR. He's embarrassed that his life has been outlined and that magazines and gossip blogs, basically anyone, can read and refer back to everything on tumblr. He's embarrassed about being called a creep. I agree with the anon about Chris being timid.

But, why on earth would anyone settle with a person who is willing to post nudes for more fame. And he's private. She pulled a Kim K. When that happened, I thought, "damn, she would do anything for fame." Like all these influencers and youtubers. Those are the worst kinds of people imo. It wasn't a fit. She and her friends followed sugar baby pages that had him as a target. She had someone randomly 'spot' them at WDW, and all of that screams, "I can't be trusted." He took control of the narrative because he hates being filmed or photographed without his knowledge. She made moves he wasn't aware of. He calls his own people for staged photos. She changed all of her interests to his as well. He sees right through it. I truly believe none of his circle likes her. Including his family. I wouldn't want my son/brother with a girl who researched him and changed her personality to fit what he likes. That's a wolf in sheeps clothing. If he did spend alone time with her, he's probably anxious about her talking about their relationship. So this is transactional, make her famous to get her on her merry way. But now he looks sketchy chasing 20 something year olds in his 40s, which I learned is a pattern for him. His actions and words go against all his Im LIkE StEvE ROgErs bs. If none of this went down, he would still be on his high horse talking shit about Trump, chiming in on the war, and spouting more fake activist bs. But no, he's hiding because of this mess. And it doesn't help that she looks like a minor. The optics are horrible.

Her friends are always around. Like chaperones. Even in NYC, did they have to be present if she was with her "husband"? They are never alone. I know the NDA's are ironclad. He does not trust any of them. This is karma, he reaped and now he's sowing.

I wouldn't dare want to be with anyone who loves clout and morphed into my perfect soulmate after looking me up, like who even is that person really? I couldn't sleep next to someone with two faces. He's stupid for sure, but he's smart enough to be sitting at home alone with dodger while she's in her home country. He loses so much sleep over this, he even stated that his anxiety kicks in at bedtime. Oh well.

I don't think they're together, because all of this reads PR. But it doesn't matter now. His actions are repulsive to me. I can no longer be a fan. Im not watching his interviews or movies. When I see him, I keep scrolling.✌️

.

[desultory-suggestions]

hi there, thank you so much for running this blog! i have been following you for a long time and appreciate what you do so much, and i’ve been struggling with something and was looking for an ear or some advice so i thought i would come here.

this summer has been pretty hard on me mentally for a few reasons. being back home with family, as I live across the country for university and even studied abroad this semester, it’s always an adjustment living with people I love but sometimes struggle dealing with. i’m also back to an environment where I have no strict schedule, less friends, no privacy, no personal space, etc., and i got pretty sick for a portion of the summer.

this is my last summer before i graduate and i put many expectations on myself for how it would go (fun/personal life wise, but also academics/career wise). despite this sense of urgency and also these expectations, this past month of june i basically just rotted away in my bed, feeling depressed and anxious and not really doing anything about it. i did go out and about a few times and even got myself hired for two jobs, but there were so many responsibilities i ignored while rotting away and just feeling miserable for myself. now im finally clawing my way out of this hole i dug for myself, and im realizing how much i screwed myself over—all of the things i need to do would have been so much easier and enjoyable (!!!!!) had i not procrastinated. it feels like my memory for june is mainly just a haze when it could have been so great.

my question is—how do i cope with these feelings of self-disappointment, and almost self-disgust for the time i lost? for the moments i could have been better but didn’t? how do i cope with the knowledge that my summer could have looked totally different now, and that the power was in my hands to change it? the rest of my summer is looking pretty busy as i scramble to pick up the missing pieces, and im sad because i wanted it to feel special since it’s my last summer of university. any time i acknowledge the challenges i faced and the victories i did have just feels like making excuses for myself.

anyways, sorry for this ramble, and thank you for your time! i hope you are doing well and enjoying yourself.

Hello, dearest. First of all I want to tell you that I am so proud of you. I know right now you’re struggling with these heavy feelings, and it’s important to know that despite your inner struggles you are seen and loved and respected by those around you.

It sounds like you have worked very hard and been very busy for a long time. I know as a full time college student myself that the amount of work expected of us is often unbearable. People talk about it like a simple process, a part time commitment. It is not! You have been working a constant minimum of a full time job, plus additional work for pay, plus travel, plus family and friends needs, plus basic self care. Of course all of this can be so overwhelming and lead to a sense of burn out. Changing the language you use is giving reasons is not making excuses. Cultivate a mindset of correcting yourself:

“I’m making excuses -> I’m acknowledging the challenges and moving forward.”

I found quickly into college my high achiever mindset flipped into a constant sense of failure. I felt like I couldn’t do anything right, and like I just fell behind everyone else I respect. I wallowed in this for far too long, so trust me when I tell you not to spend all your time worrying about the past. Everyone has had a time like these, sometimes weeks, months, and sometimes years. But it is never too late to change the present and future.

You may not feel like it, but if summer meant laying in bed and barely doing anything maybe that’s what you needed. If your body and mind were too beaten down to do much, that’s not your fault. Remember that you are just one person, and this was one summer. You will have countless more summers to live out your dreams. Summer 2022 I barely left my room, depression, anxious, I pretty much rotted in bed! I was burnt out and struggling. Summer 2023 I worked my ass off at my new job, made friends, and started going to parties and even a music festival. Summer 2024 is now, and I’m in a solid mix of work, school, friends, and working to take care of myself. Life will not always look how we imagine it too, but often it will turn out much better.

Nothing that has already happened can be changed, all you have power over is the current and the future. Tons of people express the same sentiment to me

“I didn’t do X and now all I do is Y and it makes me feel Z so I don’t do X!”

And I totally understand! But this is the trap right here! This is what resembles the grave but isn’t! The more time you spend contemplating what you should have done the more past you create where you didn’t do what you wanted. It is so important to develop the ability to go “oh well, what do I want Now?” This takes practice. When you catch yourself in the internal doomscroll of all that you should have done, literally say “oh well, that’s the past. What do I want to do right now and how can I do it?”

Actions you can take:

- Make a list of goals you have tiered by right away, short term, medium term, and long term. Make sure to include a tier for goals that feel impossible! You’d be surprised what you can do!

- Start by picking one thing you want to change. Go on a walk every day, listen to an audiobook or music on that walk. Bam! Two enriching activities at once. Cook one new recipe a week or every other week.

- When at home from school, work to establish your independence in the home. This is hard! Family dynamics vary, but if you can, try to communicate with your family about personal space and boundaries. Perhaps rearrange your space at home to fit your needs as a more adult space while still maintaining your nostalgic environment.

- Cultivate a positive mindset and excitement for what comes next. This summer is not just an end, it’s a beginning! What do you want next? You can have it if you believe in yourself.

A final piece of advice. I started college with such high hopes and dream of what it would be. The summers with friends, late night studying in the library, goofing off between classes, getting to be this dream idealized self. For various reasons, this didn’t happen. I felt so angry that my experience with college had been tainted and forcefully taken from me, and I stayed angry for a while. This constant obsession with regret starts to eat you alive until you can’t see how good things are right in this moment. This did not get better because I somehow changed the past, it got better because I accepted that this was an idealized dream of one tiny part of my life. It got better when I started aiming towards the future. It’s ok to feel sad that you didn’t get what you wanted, but that doesn’t mean you never will. I am happier for moving on and saying I’d had enough grieving a hypothetical. You are real, you are young and alive and filled with dreams. It will never be too late, and there is nothing you could have missed this summer that cannot be achieved in a happier and healthier situation.

Start making today special. You are filled with light, dreams, and love. You will create the life you dreamed of, filled with adventure and happiness. Treat yourself tenderly, this is your first time being alive, the first last summer of college. You are learning and growing. I am so proud of you as you are now, and all that you will become. Keep the sparks alive, and I’m always here if you need someone to support or another senior in college to lean on!

I hope this helps!

Evan

P.S. here’s a poem that’s helped me!

[starjxsung]

(🪲)

okay but tumblr sometimes being a hellsite is honestly so real and i totally get that, hence why i also took a break throughout the semester and honestly it’s so nice to be back especially with all the thrill of the new comeback and the tour since it just reminds me of how much i love being a stay

i’m okay and safe at the moment, she lives a whole timezone away from me thank god. i honestly don’t think she would’ve handled it well if we lived near each other, and it’s so funny now because we used to constantly wish we lived a drive away from each other instead of a whole flight away. now i’m just thankful for the distance and my space. my parents, despite all the issues i’ve had with them in the past, have been nothing but supportive through all of this and were honestly so ready to call the cops on her and they did nawt give a shit about what would happen to her as a foreigner where i live. i feel like in a weird way, this experience has brought me closer to my parents. (also ps my mom had been learning sign language while i was away this semester and when i came back home she was so so good at signing and i’m so proud i could cry 🥹). anyways, i was by no means a perfect partner and im very well aware of that, but im also aware of the fact that nothing i could’ve ever done should’ve warranted this type of treatment and it’s something that im teaching myself now. at the moment i think i just wanna spend some time by myself and take love out of the list of priorities on what i want in my life. im learning to be okay with just me myself and i and its a little weird if im being honest but im okay and safe and that’s all that matters.

also, regarding the person you knew who died at the hands of her abuser, i’m so sorry for your loss and i hope she’s able to enjoy a peaceful afterlife. i also knew several people who’d either died or suffered irreversible damage to their bodies as a consequence of being in a violent relationship, and they were the reason why i ultimately ended the relationship as soon as she was far enough from me. i tried to stay with her another month, but i was anxious literally every single second of every day, i had literal nightmares of what my life would look like a year or two down the road if i stayed because the reality is that she felt bold enough to put her hands on me in MY country, in MY home, literally on MY turf. i couldn’t even begin to imagine what she’d feel comfortable doing once we returned to the dorms next semester. especially since we’d set up to live just the two of us in one dorm that was like a little apartment on campus, no other roommate to be a witness or intervene and it just scared me to my very core. i knew i couldn’t trust her anymore and i didn’t want to be another story in the headlines. i didnt want to be another voice amongst the other victims and so i took the opportunity i was privileged to have and used the physical distance to my advantage to end things.

thank you so much for your words, star, you’re truly the kindest person and ilysm and wish you nothing but the absolute best for you now and forever. i’m really really happy to have you as a friend. i’ll download discord again but i’m not sure if i’ll be a participant of the group chat, at least not frequently since group chats can be very overwhelming for me sometimes.

anyway, how are you feeling about writing again? better? also how did you come up with the story like what was the process of building the plot?

Tumblr my opp…. 🙂‍↕️🫶 I love this website so much but I have so much love for writing I simultaneously HAVE to take breaks from here to maintain my passion otherwise I feel too burnt out. But we’re in that “just posted and in love with interacting with all of u again” stage so I’m content and just overwhelmingly in love with all of u. It physically hurts to love everybody on this site so much oof ouch !❣️

So so glad to hear you are safe and far away from her. Isn’t it funny how we can be with somebody for so long and just wish there was less distance? And then it gets to the point where you feel as though the distance isn’t enough? I can’t travel through the city my ex boyfriend lives in anymore. It used to be a short one hour drive, and I still know all the restaurants he frequents, the street his childhood home is on, literally everything. I don’t know what he’s up to these days, but I find myself hoping he’s in another state or something because the proximity feels suffocating sometimes. You really come to value your space, and being alone and just being with your family and not having to make time for somebody else. Which can be a beautiful thing ! I second you on crossing love off your priorities right now. I’ve felt that way for a longgg long time now. And every time I wrap myself up in some situationship again, it goes awry and I know it’s also because I distance myself out of fear for repeating what my ex did to me. In many ways I’ve become a lot like him in the process of healing, scared of real commitment and vulnerable with my romantic emotions to the first person who’s able to wrap me around their finger. But I have no real end goal in any of my relationships any more- whatever happens, happens, and if I die alone then that’s cool too :)

thank you for your kind words 🫶 it was a trip to hear about. I have nightmares about her ALL the time and I can’t imagine what she went through. I left flowers at her house for a few weeks following her passing, and I truly hope she’s in a much safer place wherever she is now. I’m sorry to hear you know of people who’ve suffered it, too. This lifetime never fails to shock me with the things I hear about :( I’m grateful you were able to walk away from it when you did, and I hope you never have to go through something like that ever again. I hope love finds you safely and wholly when it comes back around, and I’ll be rooting for your happiness all the while❣️ to think somebody would even consider doing that just disgusts me on another level.

Writing has been so much fun again ! I still write all the time even when I take breaks from here. Crazy to think I’m coming around to my one year anniversary of being on this site. There’s truly no method to my madness, it’s just pure stream of consciousness (and I tend to sleep off any bouts of writing block LOL) but I have so much stuff unpublished right now hopefully I’ll get around to finishing soon and posting for you all. When I took some time away from my hometown I actually got incredibly sick so I was in bed for all hours of the day and the only thing I could do was either write or play Tetris. which I think forced me to get back into the swing of things again. Grateful all the same and I think it was a push for me to realize I need to get out into the world more !

Sending you all my love as always- you know where to find me if things get hard and I wish you nothing but the best on your path to healing. It’s not a linear process by any means, but I have no doubt you’ll get there. In the meanwhile, remember that love is all around you already, even if not romantically ! 👼🙂‍↕️💝❣️🩷💖💘💓✨⭐️

[imaslothandsowhat]

still unemployed. also, highly anxious and have creeping depression coming back. home situation so stressful with the whole home renovation. we dont have any help and im incapable of doing everything my parents want me to do. i keep having pestering health issues. i dont get enough sleep and i think i have very strong case of insomnia fuelled by horrible anxiety. home renovation is so stressful and shit doesnt work bcos both my parents are old and, well, im not a fucking builder so i dont do it either. they keep having constant bickering to full blown out fights. i cant even clean the house, im so exhausted all the time. i think tis the atmosphere in the house - depressing and hopeless, we all succumbed to it. i dont know how to escape. also, reading horror stories - that may have influenced my mental state in one way or another, who knows, at least it keeps me happy bcos im lost in another book.

i try to write. finished one shot. writing another one, a very long one. i have many ideas for fanfics but then i get discourages bcos 'those are just fanfics'. they are not going to get me employed or recognised in any way. its not a published book draft. i cant force myself write an analytical piece of essay on politics - it bores me, kills me. i want to be educated and i try to read some academic articles but i cant physically force myself to open one. also, i want to and, actually, just have to read and learn the laws (plural, yes, so fucking many) of my country so i can be an educated citizen that knows her rights. its intimidating, its a lot, i want to cry often bcos i feel like a failure.

im so old and i dont have a job even though i graduated bachelors already a year ago. i shouldve found smthgn by now. but i dont want any job, i want smthng nice and worthy of m and my time and my knowledge. but i suppose im also very lazy and passive. i thought about starting a youtube channel, but thats also a lot of effort. a lot of energy.

all my energy goes to surviving day by day in this depressed household whre my father is always angry, tired, unhappy and my mother is always angry, tired, unhappy. see, a pattern? i am, too, always angry, tired, unhappy. when things go well, we cherish and we dont do anything. then, things swiftly go to shit and i feel sm anxiety that i feel my heart bursting and bleeding and i dont have any meds (except simple calming one) to help me. i want to cry, often, more often.

i began my singing online classes. it felt like a lot of fun and i enjoyed it. i want to begin my piano classes too, slowly. but then, i feel like a failure bcos its not a job. i dont work. i dont get money. i dont develop myself career-wise. everythign i do and enjoy slightly - its all a mess, its all unworthy, its all pointless. i dont help around the house, i dont help with renovations, i dont work. im nothing, i worth nothing. i dont have a job and im nothing, i dont have a career and how dare i dream big, how dare i be ambitious.

very depressive state of mind. my mind is haunted, i suppose, its hunted even by these sharks of anxiety and self-hatred ingrained so deep within me that it takes me so many years to unlearn that no, in fact, killing oneself is not a logical decision and hating every inch of your being and your personality is, in fact, not a healthy and cool attitude.

well, doing it all little by little. might read some academic articles, might not. who knows? no one fucking hires me regardless of how many cvs i send. my country is rotting, decaying from blatant nepotism and corruption. how will i move through it? i do not know. but i put too much energy already in my beautiful hobbies, in helping around the house, in keeping myself and my parents sane and not going off the rockers. its a full time job, actually! i try to soothe myself before i sleep bcos i wish only to cry and scream bcos how dare my fate not be what i have imagined all these months ago.

the world is cruel, unhappy, damp place. and i think im falling through it. but im trying to remember that this all is just a temporary feeling and i will feel better soon, maybe even tomorrow. my hobbies make sense, they are worth the time, worth my energy. i must try to enjoy my life even though i feel like its running away and i am worthless and my mom's words about 'doing something, write something, DO SOMETHING' are not helping. i simply want to decompose, cease to move forever. why time flies so fast? its already the third month of the year and i havent accomplished anything. work-wise, i guess. mentally? im down again. why life is like this.

tmrw i believe things will be better even though i cant for the life of me force myself to fall asleep early bcos my thoughts are killing me, eating me from the inside. i cant for the life of me force myself to wake up early bcos the dread of the day filled with depressive state horrifies me. what a cycle i live in. i dont know how to get out. and my depressed and angry parents are not helping. and i do not want to leave my house, pls do not suggest, im so sick of this stupid suggestion.

[bleachposting]

...waaaah so i applied for the teach in japan programme...not gonna name it for the sake of not getting flagged here and i was really hoping i’d get declined just bc then i wouldn’t have to make a decision... results came back this week and i made it onto the reserve list,,, so i could go if someone dropped out but it’s kind of a drop of a hat kinda vibe and may not even happen

it honestly gives me so much excitement to think that if i said yes i could go to japan this year ... like ive been dreaming for so long and now maybe i could?! my heart feels really swayed but my brain is really like girl u should decline ... i’ve got to finish my ma which i can’t just put on hold, there’s a family trip to the home country which like... as someone who is so passionately applying my asian identity in all my creative and academic work,, it would be hypocritical not to join, my family will literally flip shit if i go too, i’ve got financial goals like replacing my phone and laptop and getting a root canal lmfao but work has been getting harder and harder despite it being my favourite workplace i’ve ever worked, plus im even establishing a writing career now... honestly escaping to japan and just living spontaneously it so tempting and im definitely one to cave to impulse

i really dont know what to do :( it just pains me so much of sending my email declining even though i know it’s what’s best

ugh at the same time tho, i’ve told a few of my close friends and like i’m just pissed that no one has really taken the time to ask me about it? like they’ve been like ‘oh that sucks’ but no one has had the time of day to be like ‘hey like really tell me about it’ and like i’ve been so just touchy the last few days and not acting myself and it’s just shit that no one’s like ‘hey r u okay?’ like i GET that i’ve got a part to play in being transparent and asking for help but damn it just sucks i’ve really been the supportive friend the last few months w so many people and im sick of it?? im literally like well nah i’ve been an anxious wreck since that flasher incident and no one’s been like ‘hey ur acting differently’ i’ve literally been pushing myself to the bone with work and writing and still no ‘hey like ur literally burnt out like i see u dropping out of social commitments ur always on’ like why can’t someone just ask me how i’m doing like how i’m reeeally doing

aaaah vent >:( but it is what it is right? i’m gonna watch your name and weathering with you before i send the decline email just to see if that’s enough to change my heart but im not super hopeful it will be a game changer but at least looking forward to spending a day on my own terms 

[sxfik]

✬✬✬ diary ✬✬✬

[daffodiline]

.

[technowoah]

THESEUS - a dsmp story ( DreamSMP x Queen!Reader)

CHAPTER FIVE : AND I REALIZE THREE FUNDAMENTAL TRUTHS AT THE EXACT SAME TIME.

Chapter Summary: You had gotten what you wanted, but at what cost? Nightmares ensue, and Dream’s true colors begin to show.

pairing: c!wilbur x queen!reader

an// IM BACK!! hopefully yall like this chaper cause this is the last one that I wrote in the past, Im writing chapter 6 rn so it might take a while. Also sorry for not posting requests I really wanted to get this chapter out there

⚠︎ swearing, dsmp spoliers(?), angst, arguing, smoking, explosions, gaslighting(?), not proofread.

Series Masterlist 

"Good job you two! This is all yours now.”

Dream had led you and Eret back to the castle, all of them still battered and bruised from the war they recently had. You had already taken off your armor and now you were wearing underneath your L'Manburg outfit that was torn and burnt showing some of your skin which was also burnt or cut. You had noticed on the way to the castle that Dream had kept on looking at the outfit that Eret and you had on with disgust, like a taunt.

You could finally relax in the huge castle that you apparently deserved because you and Eret had taken the first lives of the citizens of L'Manburg. In your heart you knew that L'Manburg was still a country. They all have two more lives and they will build the country up again with those two lives. You sighed then kept walking into the throne room. you looked at the two big thrones that sat next to each other. One for a king and one for a queen.

"Why are you standing there? Sit down! Relax!" Dream patted one of the thrones.

You and Eret had sat down on the thrones next to each other looking around the huge throne room and Dream smiling right in front of them. Once you both sat down you tried to sit up straight, but you wanted to slump down into the comfy, plush, velvet and gold chair. The two of them sat on velvet and gold thrones while in burnt and torn L'Manburg uniforms. It was a sight to see, and if someone didn't know the context of what just happened, this scene would've made sense to them.

"I'm happy you did this. You deserve all of this." Dream said while walking along the marble floor.

"It's beautiful, but I'm exhausted." You let your head fall to the side. You sighed wanting Dream to leave so you could finally get some rest.

"I bet."

"Eret are you okay?" You spoke up after Dream.

Eret had a look that you couldn't make out. He just stared off into space in his own mind. He shook his head after you called for him again.

"Yeah, yeah I am fine. I'm just thinking." Eret quickly responded.

"What are you thinking about?" Dream said in a monotone voice.

"If we did the right thing." Eret sighed.

You slowly nodded because you were thinking the exact same thing. They were traitors, you had built somewhat of a connection with those people you helped kill. And now what? you're living in a huge castle and apparently you "Shouldn't be feeling this way", Dream claimed.

"You two are overreacting. They are fine." Dream said bluntly while staring at them with a straight face.

That was a huge lie, their lives were taken today. They're not just “fine”.

"You two were never a part of that place anyways. This is your home! Why would you need to wear those hideous colors? They look bad on you, it's unflattering. There is no need to go back." Dream explained.

You hang your head not knowing what to say to the man, there wasn’t really anything to say but you spoke up hoping the words will come to you.

"I don't-"

"You don't have to say anything, it's okay. You're safe now. Did you get hurt?" Dream asked.

The bruises and scars said differently.

"Remember when I said that?" Dream pushed the question.

You rubbed a burn mark on your wrist and laughed a bit. "No! Actually I don't. We're safe now, but that doesn't mean we aren't hurt." You chuckled in disbelief.

"Well maybe if you listened to me you wouldn't be so anxious. If you listened you wouldn't have been so hesitant. You're safe." Dream said sternly.

"Maybe you're tired, Dream. We're all tired. Shall we go to bed?" Eret stood up and held out his hand to help you up from your seat.

You accepted his hand and started to follow Eret through the huge castle making your way through the huge, high ceiling halls. The three walked towards the king's and queen's room in the castle, Dream kept a slower pace and walked behind the two wanting to get one more word in before leaving the castle.

"If you two are ever in doubt just remember that you are on the right side of history." Dream said then turned around to leave the two alone.

You both stopped and turned around to see Dream’s back facing the both of you as he walked away. You and Eret eventually made it to your new bedrooms. There was a big door which held a huge room made for the both of them to sleep in and two separate rooms next to the bigger door which were made for one person. Eret and you stood in front of the bigger door staring at the intricate designs on the door not speaking to each other.

"So?" Eret laughed.

"So!" You exclaimed while chuckling.

"Are you okay sleeping in that huge room tonight?" Eret asked.

"I'm not totally comfortable with that, but it would be weird if we slept in the same bed. Don't get me wrong! You're a great friend, but-"

"Y/N/N stop! I'm okay with that too. I wasn't looking to sleep in the same bed. Yes we're married, but we're just staying friends, hey we might get a divorce later." Eret explained.

"If I do, we won't be king and queen anymore." You said softly to your husband.

"Is that what you want? To be "queen"?" Eret asked while putting air quotes around the word queen.

You paused for a moment then answered his question.

"I don't know where I'm supposed to be, Eret." You looked up at him sadly and he pulled you in for a hug. It took you everything you had to not cry into the L'Manburg uniform Eret was wearing. Today drained you mentally and physically, your hands were raw from shooting arrows, you had burn marks on your skin and your feet hurt from running through the kingdom. You weren’t sure about where you would go, because this didn't feel like your home.

"Let's go to bed and we'll talk in the morning. Rest on it because I'll happily divorce you so you can find your place in this huge kingdom." Eret laughed and let you out of his arms.

You chuckled and then let him go walking into what was supposed to be the queen's room and right next to it was the king's room which they both walked in after saying goodnight and closing their doors finally having time to themselves after a long day.

You finally took off the L'Manburg uniform and laid it on a velvet chair in the corner of the huge room. You stared at the uniform before going to the nearest closet and picking out something to wear for that night. The queen's room was basically the huge couple's room that you found before, but just with a smaller bed. There were still trinkets, jewelry and even clothes in the closet. you took a nightgown out of the closet and sat on the plush bed. You ended up laying down staring at the high ceiling thinking of the predicament Eret's question brought.

You finally retired for the night and crawled into bed and got under the soft covers. The window was open so a soft cool breeze was blowing through the room letting the curtains flow with the breeze. If you left you wouldn't have anywhere to go except back to L'Manburg, they would never let you back even if you tried. They probably hated your guts by now, so maybe divorcing wasn't a good idea. You had a set home here, you had food, clothes, and you weren't under attack every minute. you didn't have to watch your back for any enemies.

Your mind slowed down as you finally lulled yourself into a deep sleep forgetting the troubles in your mind for only a moment.

-------------------

The sunset fell over the horizon making it a gold, red color. It was beautiful. The trees were illuminated and the lakes had a certain glow to them. you could see mobs began to crawl out of the ground and caves, but you was safe up here.

You looked down and saw the familiar obsidian walls. It seemed like a faint memory, but in reality the walls were real. It was like you could feel the stone underneath your feet at this moment. you could see inside L'Manburg.

you saw Tubbo and Tommy laying in the grass talking to one another. you saw Fundy sleeping in the grass next to them. There were two new faces you had never seen before. It was a woman with short pink hair and another man with a shaved head. It might've been your mind putting people in your dreams to fill space. Then you saw Eret sitting by a small river letting his bare feet flow in the water. It was a peaceful scene.

"Beautiful sunset isn't it?" A voice showed up beside you.

It was Wilbur. He had his uniform on, it was clean like the war didn't even happen.

"It is really beautiful." You agreed watching the sun continue to lower over the trees.

"You know everything the sun touches is yours? It's all of ours. It just so happens that you can see the sunset and sunrise from L'Manburg. You can do anything as long as you see the sun rise and fall." Wilbur said, keeping his gaze soft at the sunset.

You hummed but stayed quiet admiring his words and the sunset.

"Let me tell you what I wish I'd known when I was young and dreamed of glory. You have no control who lives, who dies, who tells your story. After you took one of my lives away I understand now. You can't control other people and their motivations."

You hang your head in disappointment, but then Wilbur continued.

"But I know that we can win. I know that greatness lies in you, but remember from here on in that history has its eyes on you. History will forever have its eyes on you no matter what you do." Wilbur looked into your eyes as the sun set on the two of them the stars began to shine.

The light brown eyes Wilbur had turned darker because of the sunlight being gone. You looked out back at the mobs in the forest and the huge towers in the sky made the kingdoms members. you turned around and looked into L'Manburg. Or what was considered L'Manburg.

There was no one there anymore, instead of people there were huge amounts of TNT that filled the walls behind them. you could hear faint voices around them, people that you didn't know. It sounded like chaos. you whipped your head around to Wilbur who was dressed in a brown tattered trench coat, brown pants, and a white shirt instead of the L'Manburg uniform.

He had a cigarette in his mouth and matches in his hands. He smirked at you as the voices around you got louder and your head sounded like you were in the middle of a tornado. your head was buzzing as your eyes couldn't focus on Wilbur in front of you. It felt like these moments were happening right in front of your all at one time.

"You want to be a hero Tommy?"

"You know if I die, this country goes down with me."

"if respect is the only thing protecting you from a knife in the back, then respect is nothing, right?"

"Kill me, Phil. Phil, kill me, Phil kill me! Phil, stab me with the sword, murder me now, kill me! Look-"

"You know Y/N" Wilbur started next to you. He lit a match and turned around to L'Manburg which was now filled with TNT.

"Somethings. Somethings were never meant to be." He threw the match into the huge pile of TNT and all in a second the obsidian underneath your feet disappeared as you fell into the explosion beneath you.

-------------------------

"Fuck! Where am I?!" You shot up from your sleeping position in a cold sweat.

You frantically felt around the bed trying to convince yourself that you were physically at the castle in your bed. You finally caught your breath and laid back down in your bed finding yourself staring at the ceiling again. Even with the window open blowing cool air into the room, your skin still felt hot. You ended up tossing the covers off of you and making your way towards the entrance of the kingdom to get some air.

That dream was so much stuff in it you couldn't comprehend all of it. It was like Wilbur was there as if he was talking to you directly and it wasn't a dream and it made you second guess yourself and think that it may have not been a dream. You finally made it outside and sat on one of the steps that led people up into the kingdom. you sighed and breathed in the fresh air and it immediately relaxed your body and mind. You were alive, you were here and sadly Wilbur wasn't there. You closed your eyes and felt the breeze around you until you were startled by a figure beside you.

"You're up late. I thought you said you were mentally tired." Dream chuckled sitting beside you.

"I had a bad dream." You sighed.

"Hey don't take my name in vain like that" Dream laughed trying to bring up your mood.

Dream sighed and stood back up when he didn't get a response from his companion.

"Come one, let's go. Let's get your mind off of the one bad dream." Dream held his hand out, gesturing to you to take it.

You took his hand and then released it letting him lead the way to wherever the wind may take them. The dream is currently still stuck in your head. The voices from different people confused you and made your head spin.

"You want to be a hero Tommy?" What did that mean? Was someone threatening Tommy? Will someone threaten Tommy? You grew to care for that kid.

Who said "If I die, this country goes down with me"? What country. L'Manburg?

"If respect is the only thing protecting you from a knife in the back, then respect is nothing, right?" That one stumped you the most. you didn't even know if this was being spoken to you or to someone else. All of them except for the Tommy one.

Were they all even dreams? The one that haunted your mind the most was the one where someone was telling a man named Phil to kill them. Were you there for that moment? Did Phil kill the person? Who was Phil? All these thoughts and questions plagued your mind so much that your feet mindlessly carried you wherever Dream led you to.

"Here we are." Dream led You on top of a hill, a tall enough hill to see the main attraction. The place you missed the most, L'Manburg.

Tears started to form in your eyes and you tried blinking them away. All the moments of that dream appeared in your brain, but even stronger. you never felt these emotions before. Maybe L'Manburg was your home all along. you missed seeing Tubbo, Tommy, Eret and Fundy doing their own thing while your and Wilbur had a deep talk inside the van. you had spent weeks with them growing too attached to them and then ended up becoming a traitor.

"That place. You never belonged there. You're too good for them." Dream started and you stayed quiet watching the stars begin to disappear.

"Do you trust me?" Dream asked.

You stayed quiet not having the answer he wanted to hear. He wanted to hear you say that you trusted him when in reality you couldn’t, you weren't fully there yet, not anymore. 

"They lied to you. It's not your home." Dream continued on letting you listen and not talk.

"How did you know if someone said it was my home or not?" You asked, startled.

"I might've been keeping an eye on you. I wanted to make sure my flower was okay." Dream kept his gaze on L'Manburg.

"Stop calling me that." You sighed.

"I never started. This was the first time I said that. Who called you flower?" Dream suddenly got serious, staring at you.

you kept your sights on the obsidian walls, not sparing him a glance. The stars began to fade and the sun peeked over the horizon. As they stayed longer the sun rose over the walls of L'Manburg. You started to remember the words in the dream you had.

"You know everything the sun touches is yours? It's all of ours. It just so happens that you can see the sunset and sunrise from L'Manburg. You can do anything as long as you see the sun rise and fall."

L'Manburg stands for independence. Independence. That word kept ringing through your head like a mantra until a few voices below the hill and near the walls alerted you.

"HEY! Hey Wilbur! Give me back my shit!" Tommy yelled as he stomped after the older man.

"Wilbur get Tommy to stop shouting and give him his swords back please!" Fundy yelled trailing behind the two.

"No not until he learns not to go start stabbing shit!" Wilbur yelled back at the other two.

You missed that. you missed the bickering and the nonsense they all shared. you were upset that Tommy still hadn't learned his lesson and you wished you were there beside them at that moment.

Dream spoke up giving you a look you couldn’t quite get. "You are never allowed to step inside those walls again.

"What gives you the right to tell me what and what not to do? Who does that make you? Who do you think-"

"YOU ARE NEVER ALLOWED TO GO IN THOSE WALLS!" Dream yelled getting dangerously close to you.

You continued to stare at those blue eyes as the bright sun rose over the dark walls of L’Manburg. you didn't say anything but descended down the mountain alone with the sounds of Tommy, Fundy, and Wilbur bickering in the background, wishing you were there and not next to the man next to you who was staring at you angrily.

"I know what’s good for you! I know what's good for this country! Just trust me Y/N!" Dream yelled starting an argument

"Would you calm down! You came here to be all quiet and now you're yelling at me. You might want to be quiet before Wilbur hears you. Or do you want me to get him myself?" You yelled back, getting furious.

"Oh you wish! He doesn't care for you as much as me, Sapnap and George do! They agree as well!"

"Don't put words into his mouth!" You accused

"Oh! So if he cares so fucking much he would've help save you. And do you know what would happen if he saved you?! You would've died! I saved you! You were in a perfect situation and all you had to do is not complain! You're always overreacting." Dream ended with a huff and rolled his eyes while turning away..

you were speechless at this point. Overwhelming emotions consumed you. you couldn't believe you were overreacting. Maybe Wilbur wasn't everything you needed. you were overreacting, you were being selfish too. Dream was right. Dream walked over to you pulling you in a hug with L'Manburg was still in your sights.

"I did everything because I love you. You're too precious for them, you're not for them. They don't deserve you, you deserve someone who wants the best for you. A flower that needs a home and I'm here to give it to you." Dream softly explained.

Your eyes kept tearing up at the words and different emotions flowing through you. The sights on L'Manburg make your memories and questions come back. Where did you belong? But more importantly who was telling the truth?

Taglist: @hi-imuwu @k-l-a-w-s

[weirdcultstuff]

I’ve felt numb for weeks now. It’s getting better but it’s not gone. Moving cross-country and finding a new apartment and a new job from scratch, starting over in a new place and moving in with my girlfriend hit all my old fears around lack of stability, and change.

It cost a lot to move, more than I expected. We went without a car for a few weeks longer than I’d planned. It was easy to worry if we’d find work, and an apartment, and a routine fast enough before the money ran out. We did! We did fine. We have monthly expenses and incomes now and we’re fine. But I worried. I had backup plans, backup plans for the backup plans, a savings account, friends, and I still worried. What if I get sick? Really sick. What if there’s an accident? What if….?

The new job is one I love, but was a difficult adjustment and the management is a far cry from the extremely lovely and supportive bosses I had previously. It took a couple months to get my schedule worked out. I still get a little anxious going to work, and I never did at my last job. But they’re paying for training, and I get overtime pay which I’ve never had before. I’m getting certifications that I can use in the next job, whenever it comes. It’s a good job. It turned out okay.

Living with someone I love is wonderful, but it brought up this weird thing of how I first found/created my identity by doing my own thing, making my own decisions based on what only I wanted. I’m so afraid to be codependent again. I’m not sure how to share decorating styles, grocery shopping, a bed. I worried I’d lose myself in a relationship, the way my mom kinda did. I worried I wouldn’t be enough, yknow? All I know about being a partner comes from what I was taught about how to be a wife when I was growing up and I don’t do half those things now, I don’t cook more than a few times a week, I leave my laundry on the floor a lot, I don’t defer all my opinions to theirs. But we’re okay. We’re good. I’m home with her, and it’s really nice. I was just worried, but it turned out kind of unbelievably good in the end.

I still felt numb. Ungrounded. I don’t know where to grocery shop. I don’t know where to go to the dr. I don’t know where Taco Bell is. I don’t know where to get my oil changed. I don’t know why I can’t text my friends back. I don’t know how I feel about my family now that I’m suddenly far away and missing them again. I don’t know what tomorrow will be like, I don’t know if I’m working too many hours or not enough. This might be the first year in eight years that I don’t work on Christmas Day and I don’t know how to do that, I’m scared it will be too much if I’m not at work.

But I have a water bottle now, and Im leaving for work in half an hour and I have my scrubs and I know where to stop to get a raspberry pomegranate Red Bull in a cup with a straw and where to stop to pick up my coworker who needs a ride. I know I’m going to be okay, and my worries are just worries.

I get up and I try again.

And I’ve always gotten up and tried again.

And it’s a good feeling to be reminded that I’ve got this. I can depend on myself to get up and try again, to make it better, to make it work, to make it okay. It’s gonna be okay. The fog will lift. I’ll make art. I’ll laugh. I made bread last night. I have stickers for my water bottle.

It’s raining and I’m getting up and I’m trying again and it’s gonna be okay. I’m not lost, it’s just fog. It will lift. I got this.

[yoshkeii]

"𝙵𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚍 𝙿𝚎𝚝𝚊𝚕𝚜"

࿐ character(s): Daichi Sawamura, Asahi Azumane

࿐ genre: sfw, soft/fluff

࿐ type: (au) headcanons

࿐ requested by: anon

⌦ boyfriend male!reader (he/him)

⌦ genshin impact x haikyuu!!, modern settings

⌦ ‘can i request an au headcanon (basically genshin impact x haikyuu!!, modern settings, but the vision bearers are rarer than post traveler time and there's still spiral abyss where vision bearers help discovering new information and artifacts, and getting paid from their country for that) So, daichi and asahi's boyfriend(a vision bearer, which element is up to you to decide.)(also separetly) reacts that their boyfriend just give them an old flower artifact that he found that reminds male!reader of his boyfriend‘

A/N: an interesting concept !! thank you for requesting, im not good with reactions but- ihopethisisokay,, i dont think i did well on this,, khai writes hcs weirdly pt. who fucking knows.

asahi azumane’s give flower: wanderer’s troupe or viridescent venerer

𝙳𝚊𝚒𝚌𝚑𝚒:

》 staring at the rosy-red petaled flower that was supposedly made into a brooch, a piece missing that would make the item stay on the wearer. your eyes glossed over the item, identifying cracks and scratches on the metallic bronze pieces that accompanied the ordinary looking flower, that somehow was in one piece. just... slightly off-colored. before jumping as your name was called by another vision-bearer with two others by the way towards the exit of the Abyss floor, you began to hurry over to them as you gently slid the “Gladiator’s Nostalgia” into your pouch. the name you had read before within a dusty journal, remembering it so clearly with a much vibrant image than the real one you had now. but it oh, so reminded you of your beloved boyfriend, the one waiting for you at your shared home. 《

→ Daichi didn’t know he would be dating a vision-bearer, no one would’ve thought of a thing really. they were such a rare sight to see out in public- especially in the modern days. but that only just added to the many surprises you came home with after your days of working in the “Spiral Abyss” is what they call it.

→ giving him the faded-out red flower as soon as you walked through the front door, a bright smile across your face, was a sight he would never get tired of. except the slight worriedness would built up seeing scratches n bruises along your skin the more he stared...

→ eventually leading him to treating your injuries properly, maybe a slight scold or lecture here and there-

→ “Love, you know you have to be careful. Especially with fire! I know you have a Pyro vision, but that doesn’t mean mess around- and play with fire itself- You aren’t immune to it.” “..even worse that you tried using your abilities to cook..”

→ “He-hey it was a one time thing-!! and I was really curious ‘Muraaa..” you whined, wincing and pulling your face away with a pout as Daichi pressed a cotton swab onto the cut along your cheek.

→ “Yeah yeah, lil’ember.” He muttered the nickname, swiping a thumb over the bandaid to cover the cut. “..there you are done, now go get a change of clothes dirty boy- I have to put the first aid stuff away.”

→ seeing you disappear pass the door frame of your shared room, he went back to pack and close the first aid kit. before his eyes wandered towards the flower you had given him earlier, which was just idly sitting there on the counter. Daichi picked up the flower holding it gently in his palms, feeling the petals with his free hand.

→ he stared at the flower for a long moment, observing the petals before noticing the scratches on the metal pieces attached to the brooch. he smile gently, beginning to realize this was a gift to him, a gift that you gave and probably risked your life to nag. 

→ sighing deeply at the thought of you getting hurt, knowing how clumsy you can be, he went off to the shared room where you would be. just to make sure you dont... do something stupid.

→ “Y/N?” Daichi had softly called out, seeing your head peek out from the closet as you slid a shirt on. he motioned his hands upwards a little, still holding the faded-brooch in his palms. 

→ “Oh! The Gladiator’s Nostalgia? The flower, do you like it??” the way you had ecstatically replied, he could imagine a puppy’s tail wagging so fast. your eyes shimmering as you awaited his answer.

→ “I love it, ember, it was really nice of you to give it to me.” “..although I hope you didn’t get hurt too much... to achieve it. I bet this was hard to get-” He spoke softly, genuine about the words slipping through his lips.

→ “Well actually... not really-” seeing Daichi look at you in confusion, “..I’ve seen that artifact set a lot on my runs with my team, but are often- broken’n’damaged. So I- I could never give you one-” “There’s also different ones apart of the same set for yours!! I might try to collect the others for you... or more.. flowers..”

→ “Wa-wait-,, there’s more-?” he longed on his question, before he could let out another word he noticed how you started to ramble. talking about interesting details of the items you could get him on your adventures and battles, and all he did was listen. settling down on the edge of the bed while you went on.

→ you were so passionate with your job, what you were doing as a vision-bearer. it’s what he liked about you, or well... loved about you. although he wonder if every Vision-bearer were the same, he’d still take you, . date you, just as who you are. with, or without a vision. and ofc he will keep an eye on what gifts you decide to give him in the mere future.

𝙰𝚜𝚊𝚑𝚒:

》 being an Anemo Vision bearer, your able to adapt and flow with whatever could come your way. making elements spread across the battlefield with one set of moves or to crowd-control them into one spot for the others to strike the unfortunate foes. time to time you would stumble upon the “Viridescent Venerer” set in the fallen loot of opponents or the scuffed chests that were stashed at the end of battles. they looked so different than most artifacts, especially the flowers. common artifacts were genuine real flowers, making them have the same aspect as any other flower, withering and fading into nothing but dull-bland colors. but the Viridescent Venerer’s flower did not, it was just a white wild flower that used to cover the earth. and it has not withered one bit, and still gives off an exquisite fragrance you noticed as the times you ran by it... and well of course noticed it as the scent was what you usually smelled since you had one as part of your outfit. 《

→ Asahi had always pointed out the flower on your outfit, the “In Remembrance of Viridescent Fields“ is what the books would title it, but in short you just called it the Viridescent Venerer flower or just... Viridescent for Asahi’s sake.

→ he had always complimented on how it looked beautiful and pretty, especially when his beloved boyfriend is wearing it. 

→ as days of works and floors of the Spiral Abyss, you managed to find a new piece of the Viridescent to use. unlike discarding the one you currently you had, you had an idea that came into mind, finding you sliding the newer artifact into your bag before leaving off to home. a smile brought onto your face.

→ now cuddling in each others presence, you both chatted about your days. already cleaned yourself up from your days works. hand in hand with soft laughter erupting from both of you, before it died off into comfortable silence.

→ “Azumane, love?” you simply called out, knowing you caught his attention instantly as you felt movement from him. “You certainly like the flower on my fit.”

→ “Well it really is- pretty. Like knowing how regular and most flowers wilt and wither- That one hasn’t! An-And I believe its the same one you wore the day we met too-” he noted.

→ to only be surprised at his memory of these types of things, you laughed- making him startled and a bit embarrassed.

→ “You sure have quite the memory, to even remember that image? I’m impressed, so I assume... it has caught your eye since the start? Just like I was to your own vision~” you cooed, getting up from his grasps before disappearing pass a corner of a wall.

→ confusion expressed on Asahi’s face, sitting up from his position on the couch before his eyes caught the glimpse of the Viridescent in your hand.

→ sitting on the edge of the couch, you motioned the flower towards him, a gentle smile across your face.

→ “I would simply like you to have mine then, it is quite old- and worn from the times I’ve had it through my lifetime. But I think it’ll be a nice gift from me to you.”

→ hearing the words being slipped passed your mouth, he felt tears daring to fall from his eyes- Asahi did not know why. but imagining keeping the Viridescent you had for who knew how long-

→ it would be something he would cherish, something he wouldnt let go.

→ exchanging gentle kisses across your face in exchange, trying his best not to cry the joy. because it was so touching- so simple yet so poetic to give. he didn’t think he deserved one.

→ and from that afternoon, Asahi had kept it. he had kept it safe and sound, bringing it with him whenever you were never there. so he had something to calm him down in anxious moments. he had a memory of you in a flower that would never wither.

[dancingintheraindreamingonday]

You will always be the winter soldier - Chapter 5

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4

Author’s Note: 

This is a flashback of your past with Bucky. Somethings weren’t witnessed by Bucky or you because I just want to give more details about the thoughts of other people as well. So this is definitely written in a third person perspective. This chapter is really long but I hope you’ll enjoy it anyway. 

Bucky sits in a plane to Munich. Sam got information that the leader of the Flag smashers are currently working there. 

Bucky remembers the last time he was in Germany. It feels like an eternity ago.

„Tell me why I need to watch this series again.“, Bucky looked absolutely annoyed. 

„Its a classic. Everyone knows this series. It’s like general knowledge.“ You answered while scribbling something on your paper. 

„ And why aren't you watching this series?“ 

„Well my love, I know this series by my heart.“, you smiled at him and then saying the exact same thing the actor said on the screen proving him that you really do know this series.

Minutes later you closed your math book with a loud thump and throwing it on the ground. 

"I'm sorry. I don't want to torture you with this series. Maybe I can make it up to you." You winked at Bucky and kissed him on his right cheek. 

„Probably you will find a way.“, Bucky smiled mischievously and kissed you right on your lips with both of his hands on your cheeks. 

You and Bucky weren’t virgins but you both never had sex with each other yet. It made you nervous. 

And Bucky was nervous as well.The last time he had sex was an eternity ago and women changed through the times. Now women are so much more emancipated and strong-minded.

You kissed him. On his face, throat, neck and down his torso. You wanted him as much as he wanted you. 

In this night you and Bucky didn’t have just sex- you made love that night. It was something absolutely soft, and warm and caring about it. 

There was no much of talking and there was no pressure- it was just pure love without saying the word itself. 

Everything changed from that night on. From that day on you both were a couple, without labeling it.

Two weeks later Bucky accompanied you to university. It was something he did regularly and you enjoyed it. It gave your the feeling he was just a normal guy spending time with his girlfriend. And James from Bucharest was  indeed almost a normal guy. While you were bubbling about a math problem no one except math students could understand, he noticed a man.

Bucky knew when he was being followed and it agitated him. 

Now that he wasn’t just concerned with his life but also concerned with your safety it made him anxious. 

He grabbed your right arm and pulled you in a small alley.

You looked at him confused and scared. „What’s going on?“, you asked not understanding his sudden behavior. 

„I wanted to give this to you.“ Bucky pulled out a small mobile phone from his pocket. You looked confused because you already had a smartphone in your trouser pocket. 

„It’s a safe line. So, if you’re in danger or you just think you’re in danger- call me and I will come and get you.“

„You’re scarring me. Are you in trouble? Are WE in trouble? Do we need to run?“ You looked at him, touching his face to make sure he calmed down.

„No. Don’t worry. Everything’s alright.“ Bucky lied. „I’m just taking precautions.“

You doubted this reassurance.

„I can ditch university. I can come with you.“

„No. It calms me down to know that you’re safe at university.“ 

„Okay. But don’t forget: If you jump, I jump, remember?“ You quoted the movie you both watched last night. 

„You’re stuck with me. Where you go, I go.“

He kissed the palm of your left hand. „I’m not going anywhere.“, Bucky lied again. 

And with that he accompanied  you to university. As he left, you walked into your class and you took out your phone and your homework. You checked the latest news. The day before there was a bombing in Vienna but on this day there were breaking that there’s a picture of a suspect. The picture showed no other than Bucky himself. Your heart stopped for a moment and you couldn’t think clearly. This explained his behavior and fear. You knew he was innocent- no doubt about that. You knew the man you fell in love with and James would never do such thing. The only conclusion was that he was being fraud by someone else. You decided to skip the class and go home to find James. 

When you arrived outside, the campus was quite empty because the majority of the students were already in their classes. As you walked to the gate a man was calling you.

„Hey! Wait!“ He jogged to you. 

„You’re working with Bucky, aren’t you? You’re his accomplice.“ The man in front of you assumed. 

„None of your business.“, you muttered. You wanted to pass him but he stopped you by grabbing your shoulder. 

„My name’s Sam Wilson and you really need to come with me.“, he said, scarring you with his words.

His grip was so tight that you couldn’t break free.

„Im not coming with you. Who do you think you are?“

„I’m working with Captain America.“ He said. You could hear the pride in his voice.

„So? That doesn’t make you an authority. I don’t trust you.“

„You saw the picture, didn’t you? You saw the picture of him in the newspaper. You don’t strike me as a dumb person, yeah? You know what this picture means. They are after him. They are already here. So I need your help.“

„Why do you need my help? He’s innocent. That picture is fake and I know it. But do you? Do you believe in his innocence or what aim do you really pursue?“

Sam didn’t answer but he also didn’t let go of you. So the only thing that you could do was to kick him between his legs. But your head start wasn’t for long. You can’t outrun an athlete. He caught you with his hand which made you stumbled and you fell face forward on the ground. Your lip was bleeding. 

„Im sorry. I didn’t intend to hurt you.“

As you looked around you saw police officers pointing their guns at you and Sam. 

„You called the police?!“ You asked unbelievably.

„Ey. They’re pointing their guns at me too. So no- I didn’t call the police.“ 

They handcuffed you both and took off. Sam talked with someone via earpiece: „I’ve got her but the police got us both. I’m sorry.“

At the same time, Bucky, Steve and King T’Challa were also handcuffed. Steve looked at his childhood friend and shared the information Sam just gave him: „I’m sorry, but they’ve got her.“ 

To say that Bucky was furious was an understatement: He would burn down the whole city if they’d hurt her. 

When you arrived at the office in Berlin you couldn’t stop all the questions that were floating in your mind. „Why are we here? Since when is Germany responsible for crimes that happened in Vienna or Bucharest? Why were German police officers in Romania? What the heck is going on?“ You asked but everyone was ignoring you. 

Minutes later a man entered the room and you realized that this was Tony Stark. „Who is that?“ He asked, pointing his finger at you. You didn’t bother to answer him. You just turned your head away. „Alright. Kinda mean but we will get the answers anyway.“ He sat down next to Steve. „Is the thing you have with him even legal?“, he asked you again.

„You tell me. He was born in 1917. I was born 80 years later.“

Tony scrunched up his nose. 

The screen was turned on and you saw James. „Why is he in a cage? Why is there no lawyer? Is this how Germany practices its law now? Did you tell him his right to silence?“ You asked almost aggressively 

„You’re audacious and naive.“, said a man in a suit. 

„Stop insulting me. James is as innocence as I am. He wasn’t in Vienna and I told you that from the beginning. And no one in this damn room is listening. You’re just looking for a guy to take the blame. I don’t know how America treats their suspects but here in Germany they have human rights as well. They have dignity and they are still treated with respect and decency. All people have rights. We learned that 70 years ago and we will never ever forget it, understand?“, you spatted. „You imprisoned and treat him as if he’s a monster.“

„My dear child, do you know what he just did today in Bucharest? The damage he caused?“, the man screamed. 

„But it were you with the loaded guns, right?“

„He’s not just a suspect. He’s the delinquent.“

„In some countries there is a trial for this question to be answered, but you seemed to be hangman and judge in once.“ You provoked him. This was so unlike you that you really couldn’t understand the anger that was inside you. 

„I like her.“ Tony said. „She’s loyal like a golden retriever.“

„Stop insulting me even more. I’m defending the man I love that doesn’t mean I’m a puppy wagging its tail.“ 

Before anyone could say anymore to worsen the situation the power was gone for merely seconds but the power was back, Bucky disappeared from the video. Everyone in the room turned around and looked at you. 

„How are you going to explain this.“ Tony asked you 

„Kid, you stay here. Don’t even think about leaving this room.“ As Tony walked downstairs he asked himself if you’re related to a woman he met over 20 years ago who happens to have the same last surname like you did. No, unlikely. Almost impossible. 

Bucky, in his winter soldier mode only had one aim: to kill as many people as possible. But something was off. He hasn’t been the winter soldier for quite some time and the impact you had. The thought that you were hurt made him even more lethal. His priority was to find you and made sure you were okay. So everyone who fought him was a threat, an enemy.

It ended in a cafeteria where Bucky held a gun to the head of a seemingly important man. Bucky was circled with dozen of agents, all pointing a gun at him. 

„Where is she? Where is (y/f/n)?“ Bucky asked

„She’s okay. You don’t need to worry about her.“, Steve assured Bucky

„I don’t trust you. I need to see her.“ 

„We can bring her here. So you can see it for yourself.“ Steve suggested while Bucky just nodded. 

Steve and Tony ran upstairs and Tony grasped Steve by his arm. „What the fuck do you think you’re doing? You can’t bring her downstairs to him. He’s dangerous and she’s just a kid. You can’t control him.“

„He isn’t dangerous and I don’t think he would hurt her. After all they are something like a couple. She knows him. And we will be there as well. Trust me, Tony. Nothing will happen.“

So they both accompanied you downstairs. 

You’ve got nervous, shaking uncontrollably. „You don’t have to do this.“ Tony said. 

„And I’m really sorry that I compared you with a golden retriever. I just think that loyalty is a great character trait.“

You smiled at him. „It’s alright. I’m sorry too. For being so angry and impulsive and arrogant.“

„Are you scared?“ Tony asks. „No, I’m not. I trust him. I trust the man I love. He isn’t the winter soldier anymore. And that he remembers me in this moment- that’s a good sign, isn’t it? So I had a little impact on him.“

Steve opened the door. You felt all the eyes of the agents on you. Thats really made you uncomfortable but you tried to ignore and only concentrate on James. You tried to relax. Your hands where cold as ice- something that always happens when you get nervous. You walked towards him. „You need to let go of this man, James.“, you pointed with your eyes at the man. „I’m alright. I’m safe.“ You approached him. „You really need to let go of him.“ Your voice was firmer. „The agents here are scared of you. They see you as a threat. So I’m begging you: let go of him.“ 

And Bucky let go of him. „They hurt you.“ He stated looking at your bruised lips. „No, they didn’t. I stumbled.“ You reassured him. „James, you need to put down the gun as well. The avengers aren’t the enemy. We can trust them. I do. I trust them and I think we might need their help.“ And you kissed him. Right in front of anyone. You heard the thump of the gun greeting the ground as James let go of it. 

You broke the kiss and caressed his cheek. But before Bucky could say anything you looked to your right and something you saw made you so scared. You pushed Bucky with all the strength you’ve got, making him stumble a few steps backwards. But that was enough to take his spot. 

Bucky saw the redness on your shirt before he heard the bang of the gun. Steve and Tony screamed „NO!“, but it was already too late. You looked at it and all the color of your face vanished. You started to fall but Bucky caught you, laying you softly on the ground. Soon you lost you consciousness.

Steve used the chaos to get Bucky out of there. „They will help her. But you need to come. It’s not safe for you here.“ 

During that time agent Sharon Carter kept Steve and Bucky informed but Bucky had a really hard time. „She’s still sleeping. You are not missing anything.“ She assured him. 

When you woke up you were greeted by non other than Tony Stark itself. He read a German magazine. „Do you understand what you’re reading or are you just looking at the pictures?“ 

He looked up and grinned. „Really nice pictures. But I also get help with the translating.“ He pointed to his high technology-glasses. 

„How do you feel?“

„Exhausted but okay.“ 

You looked around and you saw James standing in the door frame. „James“ you whispered, reaching out for him. „I’m so relieved that you’re fine.“ Bucky looked at Tony who faintly shook his head indicating that you were still oblivious about the fight in Leipzig and the separation of the avengers. 

„What happened after I passed out?“, you asked

„You mean after you got shot.“, Tony corrected you. 

„Why did you pack?“, you ask James, forgetting the last question you just asked. 

„I’m leaving for Wakanda. They offered me to free me from the mind control and I’m gonna take that chance.“

„Take me with you. I want to be with you. I can’t imagine a life without you. Please, James.“ 

He looked you deep in your eyes. You could see how he’s debating on the inside. „Okay.“ And he kissed you passionately. 

Tony didn’t like that idea at all. „Okay, lovebirds. We better should look for a doctor to sign the release papers and you can rest a bit more.“ He ushered Bucky out of your room and when the door closed he let go of his facade.

„You can’t take her with you. Thats really selfish of you. She’s kid. She can’t throw away her life for you. She is not your psychologist. You know exactly what you are. You’re a murderer. Nothing will ever change that. You’re destroying her life. And you don’t care because after all you will always be the winter soldier. Nothing will change that.“

Bucky looked at Tony like he just got slapped. „I know who and what I am. I will never be good enough for her. Yeah, maybe I’m selfish taking her with me but I can’t imagine a life without her. I love her and I will protect her. I promise.“

„But can you protect her from yourself?“ 

As you packed your belongings James waited outside your room. „You don’t have to go with him. You don’t need to throw your life away. You don’t owe him anything.“, Tony stated. 

„I’m not throwing anything away. He’s my future. He’s anything I’ve ever wanted. Wakanda will be an adventure and I’m ready to take it.“

Tony suppressed all the things he wanted to tell you. He hugs you and said instead. „If he hurts you in anyway, call me. I’ll come and get you.“ He caress your hair and without noticing he took a single hair of you. He needed to know who you were to him. He couldn’t ignore his curiosity anymore. 

Chapter 6

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[sonicenvy]

i think im fucking losing it. my grandma died 2 weeks ago, my family is currently a shit show, im behind on every single home and work project i need to be doing, i can't sleep and i can't eat and i found out from the dermatologist that i might have cancer AGAIN this year. i feel like there is something heavy slowly crushing me and i can't think straight. i started dreaming about when my other grandma died in 2019 and i was there and her lifeless eyes were staring up at me her mouth open. i can't even figure out what i need to be doing because i can't seem to make myself sit down and think about it. im anxious about the elections and this stupid country. ive been daydreaming about offing myself again and im so lethargic all the time that ive been falling asleep at my job. my inattentiveness is off the fucking charts and my auditory processing is taking a nosedive into a trash heap at work. i feel so heavy all the time. i started thinking about going for run again. i haven't been back to the studio in over a week. i have multiple unpaid bills. im so lonely i feel like im drowning because the house is empty and i can't make myself do anything because going places that are unfamiliar makes me anxious and uncomfortable now. i have so many programs im supposed to be giving in the next two months that i can't fucking get together and now my coworker also dropped a budgeting spreadsheet project on me and im behind on my kits and i just keep forgetting and forgetting and forgetting and forgetting things. ive been so emotionally volatile, and every time i feel good i get punished for it by then immediately after emotionally nose diving. i want to start trying to practice the habits and skills my therapist gave me but i can't make myself do it. my thoughts are jumbled and im even more impulsive. i spent so much money on my credit card this month. im still stuck in my dead end job because i can't make myself apply for anything new or reapply for school or move anywhere. im stuck and i feel like im being crushed and drowned and i kinda want to die right now. my mind is spinning and spinning and spinning. ive been having tremors and the weird numb to burnng to pain feeling in my limbs whenever im sitting down again. i just cant make myself do anything so i just dick around on the computer trying to supress my feelings but it just makes it worse. its like im currently unable to help myself. im trapped and im drowning and im being crushed and there's nothing and no one here.