#so much of therapy is just fake it till you make it tbh but it's not like that's gonna change my brain

[daz4i]

man it's a bit frustrating to see your brain doing something that's like. not good, in a sense. and you know where it's coming from, you understand what your disorder is perfectly, you know you are emotionally reacting this way bc of whatever's going on up there but you also know there isn't anything you can do to change it

[dreamteamspace]

They really went there huh

/rp (good lord I rly hyperfixated on this essay huh)

torture tw, abuse tw, manipulation tw, gaslighting tw

So the Dream SMP built a character, once maybe morally gray, who slipped straight into villany with little to no desire to change, and willing to cause a LOT of pain to get his way. Despite this, he doesn’t question what he does enough to stop, justifying his actions with a good intent that doesn’t come close to justifying what he’s done.

C!Dream is unremorseful of what he’s done, he’s quite literally manipulated and gaslit (like actually, not in the way everyone keeps throwing the word around) c!Tommy, almost drove him to take his last life- like, jesus christ. That’s not even to mention blowing up L’Manburg three times, encouraging c!Wilbur, wanting the discs JUST to have power over c!Tommy, etc.

SO, he gets thrown in a box for it so he doesn’t hurt anybody anymore, making his own hubris his downfall (narrative consequence my beloved). This leads us to a good finale - the bad guy, the person who’s caused objectively the most pain and destruction, is now unable to do so anymore, taken down by the person whom he tried to weaken. It is also revealed he was planning on blackmailing and threatening pretty much everyone, but now everyone gets their stuff back.

Good, right?

Especially for the finale, yeah! The message of the finale is good, c!Tommy manages to escape his abuser with nothing more but his clothes on his back and fights his way back to c!Tubbo and his home.

He doesn’t let his trauma (which is still very present!) let him become a terrible person (arguably the way that c!Dream DID let his frustrations make him a terrible person, c!Tommy, despite bearing quite a heavy weight, recognizes when he begins to turn that way and actively works against it).

It shows that while alone, c!Tubbo and c!Tommy were outfought by Dream, but because c!Tommy went the length to ask for help (which he didn’t even really seem to be relying on actually showing up), he wins! It truly is a good message.

C!Tommy escapes his abuser and manipulator, refuses and fights his trauma to not become someone he doesn’t want to be, and defeats his abuser by asking for help and receiving it, even more than he thought he’d get. He refuses to play c!Dream’s “game”, refuses till the very last moment to let c!Tubbo die, to surrender and say goodbye to him.

So, great! Good finale! C!Dream The Villain is boxed like a fish in a prison of, quite literally, his own making. It sent a good message to people. C!Tommy wasn’t expected to forgive him and did, in fact, axe him down twice, causing c!Dream to finally fall from his high horse.

Most media would stop at this point, say the villain is now defeated and never show them again, or have them come back another one or two seasons later, escaped and seemingly unharmed and worse than ever.

Alternatively, there’s a throwaway line, (or, in good media, a genuine, reasonable backstory, complete with remorse and bad role models and complicated situations), that allows the villain to be redeemed.

In GOOD redemption arcs (See: Zuko from avatar tbh), the villain was already never quite as heartless, or stressed their good intent, or felt remorse for what they felt they “had to do”. Then, ideally, the villain takes a looooong time adjusting their habits, regretting their actions and changing until they’re considered redeemed.

Not on the Dream SMP, though.

They don’t stop at c!Dream’s defeat.

He doesn’t dissapear off-screen and is never spoken of again. His life continues on, everyone’s does, just like it would in reality. He doesn’t magically want to become a better person, far from it. So no redemption. But he doesn’t dissapear, either.

They go on to, slowly, stress how awful the conditions in Pandora’s Vault are. c!Bad says c!Dream should be imprisoned, but at least at slightly better conditions. We’re in very VERY morally gray territorry here. Nobody says c!Dream is a good person, of course not, but even c!Bad - who knows Dream was planning on keeping c!Skeppy in a cage to control him with - goes, “yeah, he should stay boxed, but does he really need to like... suffer suffer?”

Still, c!Dream seems to be kindof inconsistent in his behavior. Is he faking his pain? Is he not? His actions don’t fully make sense for either take. He acts differently to each person, but at the same time some things he does don’t make sense if he were just fishing for pity.

Then c!Sam admits to trying (and thinking he succeeded) to “break Dream’s will”, to quite literally starving him for weeks.

Okay, so now we’re a step further. C!Dream is now suffering even more, although already boxed and unable to hurt anyone. Pandora’s Vault is one thing, but now c!Sam just seems to be out for revenge and nothing more. Instead of spending his time with c!Tommy, he spends his time pickaxing(?) c!Dream.

C!Sam isn’t an angel, and we should all know that by now. He does what he thinks is right, but he’s deeper than that, all characters on the DSMP are.

He cares deeply for the Badlands, and would always choose them above anybody else. He’s a capitalist. He built the prison because it would benefit the Badlands resource-wise, despite knowing Dream would probably use it on his enemies, and it was no secret that ALL members of L’Manburg, especially c!Tommy, are his enemies. C!Sam, undoubtedly, knew that. He still built it.

Arguably, he didn’t know about c!Dream’s attachment obsession at the time, but the point still stands.

People have already latched onto the untold story happening between c!Dream and c!Sam, and frankly, we barely know enough about it. Does c!Sam torture him regularly? Do they talk? Does c!Dream try to verbally fight back? CAN he fight back? We don’t know! We’ve gotten proof for both, between c!Sam saying that c!Dream is terrifying even in prison and c!Dream going silent to go on strike. We don’t have enough of an idea how bad or how good it truly is.

So the people who prefer to humanize c!Dream and explore morality imagine c!Sam to downright torture him, people that prefer to see c!Dream as nothing but evil due to his actions imagine prison on the DSMP to not be equivalent to real life prison, and thus nowhere near as torturous as people are making it out to be.

Now all that is thrown out the window as c!Quackity quite literally tortures him.

So now the internet is faced with a question that, judging by some of the impulsive reactions *cough cough* celebrating torture *cough*, it didn’t turn out to be ready for.

Tell me.

How far do we go?

C!Dream hurt a LOT of people. He did a lot of things that caused irreparable damage. Now what? Do we torture him forever? Why? Because he deserves it? How do we determine that without comparing one kind of pain to another?

It’s custom and kindof generally respectful not to compare people’s pain too accurately, because different things vary greatly in severity depending on the person that experiences them.

At what point do we say he’s suffered enough without comparing exile to the prison?

And if we DO compare, does that even make the question easier to answer?

And if he’s never suffered enough ever, killing them would be a mercy...

At what point has a person done enough damage that they “deserve” to die? What if someone only did half of the things c!Dream did. But if c!Dream gets infinite punishment, and half of infinity is still infinity, do they ALSO deserve endless suffering?

Do you think every person that did something you can’t emphasize with deserves to suffer for eternity and die?

I’m not saying we SHOULD emphasize with c!Dream. He did things we cannot justify, that NOTHING can justify. He did things that were, by their nature, unjustified.

I’m also not saying anybody should forgive him. I think it’s a GOOD thing that c!Tommy doesn’t want nor is narratively pushed to forgive c!Dream.

But c!Dream doesn’t need c!Tommy’s forgiveness to be... a person.

There’s a saying that I’m sure you know, that goes “I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.”, because there’s things you wouldn’t want any human being to experience. Not because you like them, not cause you think they’re right, but because they’re human.

And perhaps this is my personal opinion, but I don’t think c!Dream being a bad person justifies dehumanizing him, because then we get into an area where someone needs to meet criteria just to be human.

-

I met someone once, whom, because of outside circumstances I knew I probably wouldn’t meet again. We’d been getting along just fine for people who just met, and were both getting into an interesting discussion about morality. They kept insisting upon something I kept refuting, so they said they needed to get something off their chest.

They proceeded to tell me that they had, years ago, while a teen, manipulated someone in a relationship, pushed boundaries and tried to convince them to do things they didn’t really want to do to get what they wanted.

They cried, while telling me, too terrified to tell anybody they know, terrified nobody would ever speak to them again, insanely regretful of their actions. They didn’t know whether to go back and apologize or just stay as far away as humanly possible, didn’t know which one the right thing to do is.

It had been years, by then, and I talked them through it. I said that what they did was bad, and there’s no going around that. But I also said what I saw, which is someone who would never do something like that ever again. I saw a human being. Someone who regrets a mistake they did and now, after enough time has passed, would do anything to make it undone.

Someone who is too terrified to be close to anybody in fear that they would do it again. I don’t remember if they already went to therapy or not, but it was definitly on the table, or in the near future.

They asked me how I could possibly even keep talking to them after they told me all that. They implied they felt like some kind of monster despite literally chocking back tears, firmly convinced they don’t deserve to be close to anybody in their life ever again.

I never swerved from the fact that what they did was wrong, and harmful. But I also told them they’re human. The universe isn’t keeping score. They want to be a better person now, and they were never going to learn how if they never let themselves be close to anybody.

I told them to seek therapy, and to slowly, carefully, try. Assured them that the fact that they regret it so strongly will at least help them in not falling back into the same pattern, and if they do, they can learn to recognize that.

They thanked me after the conversation, genuinely, especially for the fact that I didn’t sugarcoat what happened, because I know otherwise it would’ve felt like I was lying, like I was just sparing their feelings. I wasn’t. I was thinking about how to make sure they get to live without hurting anybody.

As per the circumstances, we didn’t speak again after that, which we knew basicly from the very start.

-

I still think about that conversation a lot.

Do you think they should’ve been locked up for life after it happened, instead?

Do you think this real human being, that I spoke to, that took years to realize their mistake - and never would have realized it if they hadn’t had the time to, if they’d been killed right afterwards - deserves to suffer forever?

Let me tell you something, from someone who’s been in more than one abusive situation: People that hurt you are human.

That doesn’t mean you have to forgive them. That doesn’t mean you have to like them. That doesn’t mean you have to make an effort to understand them. That doesn’t mean you need to go anywhere near them ever again.

You can hate them. You can be angry at them. You can (and should) go as far away from them as possible, and/or defend yourself.

But that doesn’t mean you have to dehumanize them.

You’re allowed to hate and dislike people that are human, because you’re human, especially if they hurt you. That’s how life is.

And to go back to my original point - c!Quackity torturing c!Dream is not something that should be celebrated.

There’s a difference between necessary measures (locking c!Dream up so he doesn’t hurt anyone), and torturing people for fun.

It’s not right. It’s never going to be right, and do not justify literal torture on human beings, and do not make someone lower-than-human to justify torturing them.

Taking revenge on someone for what they did tenfold is romanticized, I know, but I promise you it’s not actually as cool as it sounds.

[girlbosslrell]

Melodrama (2017) is an Ash Tyler/Michael Burnham/L’Rell Album and Here’s Why:

A.k.a: I have finally snapped!

Warning: LONG.

Green Light: N/A

Tbh, I never listen to this song and I don’t think it’s very good. Next!

Sober: Ash Tyler/Michael Burnham

Replace the concept of sobriety with Michael’s inevitable imprisonment and you have the perfect S1 Ashburn song!

The idea that they’re living young and reckless, that they’re on fire and loving it, but they’ll eventually burn up and burn out

The idea that they’re living on borrowed time. Just as one can’t be drunk forever, one cannot escape the law forever (except Michael literally does but shhhh)

Homemade Dynamite: Ash Tyler/Michael Burnham

To be quite honest, I don’t really like this song and I think I’ve listened to it like 2.5 times in my entire life. However! That doesn’t stop it from being an Ashburn song

The explanation is really in the lyrics tbh I don’t have much more to add

But the idea that it’s a young, intense love that can also be a destructive force

The Louvre: Ash Tyler/Michael Burnham

This is absolutely an Ashburn song

This is definitely a song about falling in love for the first time and letting it consume you with reckless abandon

Like. I personally have never been in love but this is what I assume it feels like

Liability: Ash Tyler 110%

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

^That’s how I feel about that song being an Ash Tyler song

Ash is Literally a liability to the Discovery and to Michael because of his Voq-ness

AND NONE OF IT IS HIS FAULT!!! HE DIDN’T ASK TO BE TRANSFORMED!!! (Well Voq did but Ash didn’t) yet the love of his life has to break up with him!!

BECAUSE HE’S A  L I A B I L I T Y

Because he has the ability to hurt people even though he doesn’t want to!!!!

Oh did you think I was done? No I have More

“The truth is, I am a toy that people enjoy till all of the tricks don’t work anymore” not to bring up a sensitive topic buuuuuttttt this feeling of being “used” might be how he feels about L’Rell

“I know that it’s exciting running through the night but every perfect summer’s eating me alive until you’re gone” BITCH I’M GONNA CRY WHAT THE FUCK

“You’re all gonna watch me disappear into the sun” Ash Tyler my baby I’m so sorry.... on God we’re gonna get you some therapy bro

Bonus points if you picture Ash singing this in the wedding dress Lorde wore on the video I linked

In conclusion: I am crying

Hard Feelings/Loveless: finally a L’Rell song

And my God is it ever a L’Rell song

Do you ever cry picturing L’Rell in a dark room, thinking about her relationship with Voq/Tyler and where it all went wrong? Because I do

She seems hard on the outside but I think she’s actually Soft underneath it all

And she must be going through soooooo much after losing the love of her life and knowing she can never get him back :(

“It was real for me, yup, real for me” oh my g o d . . .

Bitch I’m gonna cry

“Now I’ll fake it every single day till I don’t need fantasy, till I feel you leave”

😭

Oh but you thought this was a L’Rell song? Get ready for the “Loveless” segment:

Maybe it’s just me but I can totally picture L’Rell as the psycho bitch ex-girlfriend who fucks up her ex’s life

And all I can say about that is: that’s my baby and I’m proud

Sober II (Melodrama): L’Rell/Voq/Tyler (that whole Mess of a situation)

This is S2 L’Rell after she has to pretend Ash is dead  and she thinks she’s never gonna see him again but she still loves him and she’s reflecting on the HUGE FUCKING MESS she’s made

Writer in the Dark: Hell yeah more L’Rell/Voq/Tyler

Same as Sober II (Melodrama), L’Rell reflecting on losing Ash

“I am my mother’s child I’ll love you till my breathing stops, I’ll love you till you call the cops on me” is maybe the saddest, maybe the most metal lyric I’ve ever heard

Supercut a.k.a. the entire gotdamn reason I made this post in the first place: L’Rell OR Ash Tyler (mutually exclusive)

This is either L’Rell reflecting on her relationship wit Voq and playing all the moments over again and again in her head because she knows she’ll never get them back OR Ash Tyler reflecting on his relationship with Michael Burnham and wondering where it all went wrong and why she doesn’t want him anymore

CAUSE IN MY HEAD (IN MY HEAD I DO EVERYTHING RIGHT) WHEN YOU CALL (WHEN YOU CALL I’LL FORGIVE AND NOT FIGHT) BECAUSE OURS ARE THE MOMENTS I PLAY IN THE DARK, WE WERE WLD AND FLUORESCENT COME HOME TO MY HEART

In Ash Tyler’s head, he did everything right

In L’Rell’s head, she did everything right

In conclusion: “come home to my heart” is the most romantic lyric I’ve ever heard

Liability (Reprise): L’Rell

She realizes that she, too, is a liability to Ash just as Ash is a liability to Michael

Cinematic parallels

But she can’t help but remember how good she was to Voq, how much she had to offer him

And Tyler isn’t who he thought he was

Perfect Places: Ash AND Michael AND L’Rell, all getting the fuck over each other

Forgiving themselves for their mistakes but allowing themselves to keep being the messy people they are, finding other people to move on with (this isn’t canon but I want that for them), realizing that life will never be perfect but they can make it Good... yeah :’)

[searchingformylostpan]

Don't know if youll see this but i read about something that could be helpful for you and i want to actually be able to share it with you but this is the closest i can get to talking to you...oh well this is reality now reality is fucking depressing and i don't like it.

Have you heard about xenon therapy?

It has a lot of research in cf lung studies, might be worth investigating to see if it could help you. Only in trials right now, not fda approved yet. Also being studied for bipolar/ depression varieties, that's how i heard about it and saw the lung stuff and thought of you... but tbh what doesn't make me think of you. I had a pretty massive breakdown on the phone with my mom yesterday. I slept through my alarm and woke up so scared that i left the babies too long without feeding them but they were all fine, just very hungry. (Oh yeah Rice and beans are big brother and sister as of the 12th, momma had 6 more babies...i built a drop trap to try and catch her while still pregnant so she could be kept with the babies till they were ready and let them grow up in a better environment but of course she evaded capture yet again. I last saw her evening of the 11th and then on the 12th noticably not pregnant. A few hours later my neighbor said her daughter found them in the backyard of the vacant house behind ours so of course i run over to meet lil babies but also to check on them as momma is panting pretty heavy, probably dehydrated and overheated. Babies ended up looking the same. Wanted to steal them away right then but they were only hours old and definitely needed momma still so i put them in the shade with my camera pointing at them so momma could get them and hopefully not put them in another spot that had only a bit of dead grass as protection from the 95⁰ sun. Left them at 4, went to grandmas till 9, had my bicycle stolen and recovered (searched the neighborhood till i found the asshole who took it a block from my house when i was heading home in defeat and kindly asked for it back / hold her to give me my fucking bike disgusting bitch ) then at 10 knew i had to feed them. They were very thankful for lots of warm kmr after a rough first day of being alive. As much as i wanted to cuddle them immediately, i left them outside for another 3 hours with a heating pad till it was under 60 and brought them inside till the sun was up so i could get some sleep. More kmr then left them in a different spot and played a recording of their little mews but still no sight of her. So i took them in, cleaned them up and gave them the best that i could for the short time they were with me. ) during the breakfown thay my mom had the honor of listening to, she really pushed me to go to treatment again. Basically i told her what the main source of me not wanting to continue on is, and its me. Ive always fucking hated myslef. The only reason i would want to go is that its probably the only way I'll we've get to talk to you again

But even then, i doubt you would want to. Im trash, i don't know what you saw in me. Must have all been fake, if i was really that great why did i treat you like shit, why did you have to run as fast and as far away from me as possible? The person you almost convinced me i was could never do this kind of shit. I dont feel any different than i always have. My mental illness is a birth defect. Theres no mind over matter bullshit that will show me the light and make me happy to live out the rest of my days in my own. I should be on my own, i have adopted the narrative that all i want is sex and i don't have any interest in a relationship. I really do though. I want the kind of love that makes you excited to have nothing to do bcause nothing with you was my favorite thing. Eveythimg with you was my favorite. But i had no idea why you said all these wonderful things to me and yet i was a disgusting vermin in your life. You said only me but there was clearly more than only me. You fucked with my head so thuroughly that i didn't know wuss was real anymore. I know what is real now. I am trash, i am on my own, and i should be forever. You deserve to never be bothered by me again. And anyways i wouldn't subject you to me while high, and i dont see a reason to ever give it up. It'll get me to my end goal pretty damn quick if i keep up like this.. That is one of the many reasons i cant seen to be done with it. I just want to be done in general

[demonic-alex]

I think I got what you mean. I guess this is a really complex topic, and there's no "one pill to cure it all", indeed. I'll be honest though, I sometimes get worried looking at all the people, often really young (like, 15-18), who think they are trans because they are uncomfortable with gender roles, or misinterpret their symptoms. It's none of my business of course, it's just sad. I guess it's not too much of a deal if they go with other name and pronouns online, or change their style, but if they get on hormones, it can really fuck up their health. I heard it's impossible to get hormones if you are not really trans, but tbh I doubt that. First, there's always "buying the diagnosis you want" thing, and then there's this "telling the doctor what's needed to get hormones" thing (that's one of the reasond I wondered why no one uses brain scans). Considering that, from what I see at least, "transphobe" became the new "communist", I can see doctors giving prescriptions instead of trying to see if the patient actually needs it or would benefit from psychological therapy more. Tbh I would be glad to hear all these fears are not real.

There's never a perfect fix for anything. Almost any medical condition you can think of can be faked to be diagnosed (and on the opposite side of the spectrum you can be misdiagnosed and then doctors will do their best to keep saying that is what you have, rarely finding that it was actually a misdiagnosis).

In general though those who get a diagnosis that isn't theirs, know what they're doing and know better. In order to fake your way into a diagnosis you have to know what is required of the real thing, and have to know that what you have isn't that, then you have to claim all these things you know are not true.

So for the majority, most people won't get much past the whole name, pronouns, clothing, thing. Expecially if they're under 18, as most childeren will only be at best given hormone blockers. Its possible to manage to get hormones before 18, but you'll need supportive parents and you still won't get it till around 16 or 17. An adult can get hormones easier, informed consent does exist for that, but you still have to talk to a doctor.

In any case to go farther then just social you have to, even for the easiest methods (informed consent with pro lgbt providers) still talk to a doctor that will inform you about all of the effects that it causes, ask about why you want it and what you want from it, do a full talk about everything involved in it (and do some bloodwork). If you manage to do all that talking and sign several pages worth of papers, then you either need it, or clearly don't care that you don't and know better.

The medical industry is already unfortunately difficult, to the point of refusing to treat people who do desperately need it. I'm not going to even pretend to say I'm sorry that I just don't feel sorry for anyone who purposely goes out of their way to get what they clearly don't need. Its like with anything else even remotely medical, people fake it. Fake service animals, which force people to either make it even harder for those who have a real one to just live a life, or to put up with a bunch of pets dressed up as service animals for fun. Fake pain to get pills for addictions. Fake disorders to get away with being an asshole or to get sympothy and money. It shouldn't come down to make the life of real people harder for those who chose to fake shit.

[spac3ang31]

I’ve been murdered again

So I don’t know if I made a post about what happened between my friend that was avoiding me or not so I’ll recap everything in a short version here.

We dated for six years and ten months. He broke up with me around Christmas because he fell out of love with me. I fell into depression but we remained as friends because we cared about one another. I started dating another guy despite still not being over my ex. My boyfriend at the time was... not a good fellow but that doesn’t mean I’m a victim or a saint because let’s be honest here, I wasn’t. My ex was seeing other people without telling me. Even though it’s rightfully none of my damn business, I was heartbroken all over again and I obviously couldn’t tell my boyfriend at the time what was up. Although my depression has gotten better, I sometimes had relapses and my boyfriend at the time didn’t make things better or easier for me. But then one day my ex stopped seeing other girls as far as I was concerned and was more focusing on his friends and himself which is good. My boyfriend at the time dumped me on my sister’s birthday and the only regret I have was that I pretended to be heartbroken over it for his sake. I talked to him a month later but it was only about him picking his shit up. Other than that we haven’t talked. I tried to meet up with my ex just as friends and to just hang out and I guess I should’ve been more upfront that I wanted to hang out with him and his friends whenever they get together but I felt (and still do to this day) that they don’t want me around. I mean, I try to hang out with one of them one night. I think we were to go to a hockey game or whatever, I can’t remember. I only know that I was really excited about it and I messaged him my phone number and waited all night for him to call/text/email me about it there was a change in plans or something. He didn’t reply till the next day in the morning saying that he changed his mind about going out. I mean, if something happened I would understand but the least he could’ve done was tell me earlier and something tells me that he was just lying and just didn’t want to hang out with me. I mean, I understand that it would be weird since we don’t know each other that well but wouldn’t it be a perfect time to get to know one another better? I remember while I was dating my ex, we were all in the car and I think he was asking me to do something about the radio or whatever but I was kind of lost in thought at the time and didn’t hear him and when I snapped out of it, I overheard him say in a annoyed tone that I don’t do anything. I don’t know what he meant by that but it did not feel good to hear. It’s probably not a big deal but sometimes I wonder if it really is. I’m not the best at conversations and I come off as a fake when I do try (according to my ex). I’m not good at subtle hints and apparently I’m not good at keeping friends. On the outside, of course I have others that I could hang out with and talk to. But in reality, I don’t. People avoid me, are usually too busy, live too far away, we were never that close to begin with and the ones that “I am close with” have a history of being mean in a subtle manner or at least come off as not putting me in their true friends circle; only a sub. I did not have time with these “friends” in highschool because I was kind of pushing them all away because I didn’t want to deal with them, I was going through some stuff at home and I honestly did not have the time. But come to think of it, I did but I did not make the time. I would rather play games or spend hours online reading manga or pretty much being an anti-social weebao. I mean, I spend time with some people in highschool who were more or less quiet like me but I don’t talk to those people anymore... We’ve drifted and I feel like it’s too late to get back in touch with them because of all the stuff that has happened in their lives. I mean, they either have kids, getting married or moving somewhere far away. I’m not saying it’s their fault because I’m sure I probably did something or acted in a way that would have these people not wanting or caring to be around me. Anyways, earlier this year, my ex was slowly not responding to my texts and soon enough stopped replying all together. I asked what was up and if I did or say something to upset them. I wanted to apologize and fix whatever was going on. They said everything was fine and that they were going through things. I’m thinking ok, I’ll give them space and they’ll come talk to me if they feel like it. Over a month in, I wanted to check on them and they started to ignore me again and tbh I got pissed and I was not in my right mind to start talking to them in such a aggressive manner. I guess?? But my ex eventually replied and has stated that they no longer wish to be friends and they I need to stop talking to them. Yeah, I was outrage and I tend to get overemotional, sometimes overdramatic (I think), I overthink things a lot and I might’ve overreacted to the situation. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. I must’ve done or said something to upset him. I must’ve said something that didn’t help my case when he told me that. I don’t know. He won’t give me the satisfied answer and even if he did, I most likely wouldn’t believe him because I feel like he’s been lying to me this entire year and why should I trust whatever he has to say if he doesn’t trust me? And when I say trust me, I mean trust how I’ll react, trust what I’ll say, trust me with information and trust me to be a friend and respect his wishes? It doesn’t sound fair to me. We’ve stopped talking and well I’m showing signs of being depressed again and it’s not just because of him but because of many things. He’s just the straw that broke the camels back. He apparently hasn’t blocked me or deleted me off of his friends list or as far as I’m concerned stopped following my tumblr account. So sometimes I get to see whatever he posts/reblogs when I’m scrolling through the app. His latest reblog is a post of a picture that said to let go of toxic people. Now chances are this doesn’t mean it’s about me but as far as I know, I’m the last thing he’s thrown away. It just does not sit right with me to call me toxic. I do not believe that I am a toxic person but what if I am? Would that explain everything? But instead of talking to me about my behavior and give me a warning and explain, I am left to just be alone without a reason as to why whatever happen happened. I am left to not learn from my mistakes and to not grow. I know it is not anyone responsibility but if you want to make the world a better place and to avoid anyone getting hurt the same way you gotten hurt, should you not try to change/solve the problem? I’ve tried this online thing called 7cups (of tea??) that’s basically online therapy. But for some reason, my payment won’t go through as if there’s something wrong with my account. So I can’t get the full experience but I was talking to someone but then they’ve stopped talking to me when I was showing signs of feeling better. My old laptop had my account information on there and it died. I think it has been years since I was on the website but I’m pretty sure my account has been deleted due to inactivity. A friend that I have been talking to recommended that I go to my local health department because he went there for therapy and he said it was free. Let’s just hope it’s the same for me... I’m going there tomorrow.

Jeez... I said that I would keep this short but it’s still a long ass rant...

oh in case some of you are wondering who my ex is... Here’s his tumblr page: https://zanthros.tumblr.com/

I’m split on wanting him to get hurt and being a better person and let it all go. Either way, there’s nothing I can do about it now.

SO here’s an update. The blog is still active but he has unfollowed me and blocked me. Why??? Chances are that he found this post. But this has been up for a couple of days so why now?? Idk. This is just a blog that I normally rant on to get things out of my system. This blog isn’t seen by my usual followers unless my main blog reblogs it or if they happen to stumble upon it. I DON’T want people to after him because it won’t solve anything, it’ll make things worse (though to be fair it can’t possibly get any worse), and it’s not fair.

[the-ghost-of-me]

Just gotta vent/rant a little

what is up these past two weeks..

It's just like all my feelings got muted once again, I just feel numb 24/7 with no will to do anything except to just either sleep or stare into nothingness till I disasociate far far away. I started gaming again and it atleast pulls me out of my disasociative state and that is pretty good.

My sleep problems are also back and made me miss my volunteering job three times, and one of those times I slept for 17 hours. That gave me flashbacks all over again from when I had therapy, expecting people to blame me and demonize me for it that I can't do anything right but that luckely didn't happen and they offered me to give me a call just before we start. I expected them to go full ham on me but instead they gave me support and that messed with me..

Or last sunday, I can't remember much about it or for a fact any of the other days really. But I woke up really late again what made me annoyed, just later I went out to the store to buy some things and I almost got hit by a car, they were speeding in a neighbourhood near a school and when I got home I just lost my cool and got super duper annoyed about how wreckless some people are.

To make matters even worse that day, not even half an hour later later I got called by a private number, when the phone rang I got a massive panic attack but I did pick up. Then a girl of who I didn't recognize their voice of asked for me with an obviously fake last name, already in a panic attack and being super annoyed, I asked who it was without anwsering because I want to know who I'm talking to because of my anxiety. all I got was if you are *name* you are my muse, tbh I don't know if I remember that correctly, it could've been "I am your muse" but I can only remember it very vaguely.. and I didn't even know the meaning of muse so straight after that my panic attack rose to a new level and I just couldn't handle it anymore so I hung up. That really fucked with me, sending me into a massive negative though circle for almost 2 days wondering what just happened and I still feel it lingering around.

I did talk to some friends about what happened since I felt really crappy about having just hung up on someone and they said they'd do the same in that situation and that it must have been a prank call so not to worry about it but unfortunally my brain doesn't make it that easy.

[the-day-patient]

Final review & im Discharged!

Friday 6th December 11:39am

Last follow up review

And now I'm sad. Sad the safety is now gone. The warmtest, the dim lights, the breathing. The 'when I get there with them I'll be ok'. All gone.

Just walking into the dp room I felt safe, the darkness, silence, calm and peaceful. I could breath.

How depressing. No not depressing, more numbing, or more 'i actually don't feel anything but I know I feel like I'm missing something I should have'

I wish I could carry on seeing my keyworker, even once a month, hell even once every 6 months, or I wish we had longer to talk, a hour & a bit is not long enough. Seeing her or someone would be something to keep me held on. But no just like that I am gone unfortunately and cut off from the treatment. "I'm just another number" my father said to me when he found out he had terminal cancer.

Funding, I understand.

I know I will eventually find my own way and that I would be able to manage...but until then?

I still need my hand held at the moment.

I can't read the papers she gave me. a summary of my treatment, my behaviour, my mental gealth. It's like reading about someone else. How embrassing and sad.

She also gave me a list of treatment places (non-nhs funded) that she thinks would be helpful for me with the ed/anixtery. I'm really greatful for that. I hope within the new year I can push myself to look into these things.

Other than that it was nice to just talk, to let it out. The realise. I'm going to missing that. The way it makes you feel. You feel like you can breath again and that you are not going crazy.

I need to try, and I need to try the other therapies. I'm going to miss her and that place and the safety it brought me.

My keyworker has reffered me back to my gp and that I should go there monthly to be weighed and checked on. I don't see my GP following though on it and I don't think there is much of a point trying to push for it. Maybe I'll give them a week to receive the paperwork from the DP and then I'll give them a call to see what they think. Tbh my ed is not that in control at the moment at all, it's other areas of my mental health that I am more worried about, but unfortunately I don't see them going away for a while, I just need to push though..Fake it till I make It as they say.

So yea, final review, final weigh-in, finally done.