#slightly depress | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

balkanradfem · 6 days ago

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So, I've been having a miserable time, and I'm going to write about it, because I thought of something insightful and deep to say about it at the end! It's all gonna make sense. It's a long post so I'm gonna put it under a cut.

If you didn't real my spatula story, in it I tell you about the painful process of buying a single spatula, valuing it above all other objects for the miracles it could do for me, and then having my roommate use it every day and leave it dirty in the sink so I couldn't use it! I have braved up since then and told her that I need that thing and to please wash it, and this is where we left of.

Some time later, I went to use the spatula, and discovered something bad had happened. The spatula was damaged. It's handle wasn't made out of silicone, but transparent plastic, and my roommate was leaving it on top of boiling pots and the stovetop, to the point where it had melted in several places.

I almost started crying seeing it damaged; I took it to my room, intending to never lend it to anyone again. I went to sleep sad, wondering why I get myself into these situations, and decided to have a comforting no-screen day the next day. I was just going to do my laundry, mess with plants, make fresh bread, read a little, open all the shutters and windows to get fresh air inside, make soothing tea, and remind myself that regardless of one damaged spatula, I can still find so much happiness and peace in life and I shouldn't linger on this grief.

However, as soon as I woke up the next day, my roommate knocked on my door in severe distress; both of her eyes were inflamed, red, she was crying, saying she couldn't see. She told me she's been cleaning mold at work with poisonous chemicals and the fumes must have gotten into her eyes. I realized it must have been bleach she was using, as it's the only thing that works on black mold, and it must have damaged her eyes. I took her to the emergency room.

We had to walk there, and it was a long walk; I was scared about my neck but ultimately worried about her, she was tearing up the entire time. We spent several hours waiting in various lines and waiting rooms, she had me talk to her employer to explain where we are, and the employer decided to come there too. Then finally, she was seen by a doctor, and we found out her retinas had surface injuries. They explained the damage is not permanent, she would get better in a few days, but it will sting horribly for the next two days. She got instructions to get eyedrops and ointment to put in her eyes several times a day, to ease the pain and help the healing process. They put some drops in her eyes and she finally felt a little better and we were all relieved.

We got home, and we still needed to get to her doctor (I didn't even know she had a doctor, or health insurance, but her employer explained it all to me) to get prescription for her medicine, so we could get it at a lower price. We had to walk there too, but even after we did, we found out the doctor left for the day and we'd have to come back tomorrow. We were recommended to just purchase the medicine at the full price and then get it refunded a day later.

So we went to the pharmacy next, and they asked for cash if we wanted a refund later, and she didn't have any, so I paid for the medicine, and by the time we got home it was 2pm, and I was shaken, exhausted, and extremely sad. I put drops and ointment in her eyes, and then made us both a big soup, because I knew she couldn't cook in this state, and I wouldn't have her starving.

When the emergency part was over, I was once again... sad about my spatula. Because I couldn't get people to not damage my stuff, and then I couldn't get my comfort day to deal with the grief, and now I spent a whole day in panic and helping someone else and I realized that for some reason, caring for other people makes me feel bad. I don't think I was like this before but I could tell I was absolutely miserable about everything that went on that day. I was no longer in a state to calm down on my own, so I clinged to my laptop for support.

Later in the evening, I went out just to get an internet connection for a bit, to reply to a few messages, and when I came out, it was snowing. It was the most beautiful, magical scene you could imagine. Tiny little snowflakes, falling so slowly, so it looked like the entire air was glittering. Lamps were giving them a warm glow. I was mesmerized. And I decided, you know what, it's not that bad. This makes me feel better about everything. If I get a magical winterland scene at the end of the day, I'm satisfied. This will fix me.

So the next day! I wake up sad, but I cheer up thinking this is going to be my new no-screen day. I do my laundry, transplant my plants, write some things down, start making my bread. I make oat milk and then decide to make some smoothies with it. I ask my roommate if she wants some food and she says no, she can cook on her own now. Great, I think! But then she comes to me distressed, asking me to talk to her employer for her. It turned out her employer wanted her to go work that day, which is absolutely insane, and I had to spend some time patiently explaining to her that no, half-blind woman with burning eyes cannot go to work this day, my god. She reluctantly backed off and I let my roommate taste the smoothies I've made, and I gave her half of her favourite one (it was chocolate!).

We still needed to get that prescription we didn't get yesterday, and I was dreading it, cozied in my bed reading and thinking about how I'm going to pull that off, because at this point my neck was upset at me for walking,I couldn't walk two days in a row. I could barely stand up without pain. My roommate came to my room to notify me, that she's going off to be at a friend's place and she won't come back until tomorrow. I remind her that we still need to go to the hospital, and she looks confused and sad. I offered we could go immediately, so she could go to her friend right after. She agreed and I got ready, and then instead of walking, I just slowly rode a bike beside her, feeling a bit silly, but at least not adding to the pain.

The doctor was a horrid male who made me feel so uncomfortable I wanted to disappear. I communicated to him we needed prescription for medicine and he wrote it wrongly, and a nurse had to write a new one. I realized she was covering for him yesterday too when he left before his shift ended. Poor woman. After we left the hospital, the roommate immediately tried to ditch me, and I once again explained we needed to still go to the pharmacy to get a refund, and at this point I am exasperated. It is so obvious I don't have much money, and I paid for the medicine to make sure she wasn't in pain, and now it was too much effort for her to go with me so I could get some of the money back. I can't do it on my own because it's her documents and I'm only translating what she needs so she could communicate. I helped her get out of work to make sure she was safe even though I hate talking to her employer. I became extremely sad. She followed me to the pharmacy and then left as soon as she could.

When I got home I actually started crying. Not specifically because of this, but because this is a pattern. I regularly take care of my sick roommates only for them to ignore me and avoid me afterwards, I make sure nobody is hungry or in pain while they're living with me, even lend them my things only to get them damaged and broken without a sorry or a replacement. I didn't understand how it kept happening to me; all I wanted was to be humane to people around me. To do anything else but to care for the sick was unimaginable. I still couldn't get anyone to care about my problems, but I didn't particularly want to, I don't like people worrying about me. But to be dismissed and ignored so completely? I felt like I was in charge of a child somehow, forcing them to get trough their chores, even though this roommate is my exact age, and should understand how things work, how plastic melts, how you need to remember scheduled visits to the doctor. Why is this happening?

I went back on my no-screen day, because I was so upset, I needed some gay stuff to feel better, and I watched a bunch of videos I had saved on my laptop, laughed so much, and felt better. And then I got curious, how come this made me feel so much better? I felt like I actually had a great time. Just being reassured there are gays and lesbians out in this world made me feel normal again. It always does. And then I put two and two together. This is happening to me because I'm a lesbian and alone in the straight world, isn't it?

Because I'm single, and alone, and if a woman is alone and single, then it's assumed she is just a support character for everyone else's struggles, isn't it? I obviously have nothing else going on, no male to sacrifice all of my time to, so I am presumed to be a free-for-all resource. If I was in a straight relationship it would be assumed I was busy taking care of a male, but I'm not, so everyone just assumes I'm here... for them. I'm supposed to help the 'normal' people function because I am presumed to have no other goal. So if people are sick and I am just there and willing.. obviously there's no need for them to feel any certain way about it, and it's okay to take it for granted, and not care if they damage something or cost me something, and only come to me when they need something, because I am relegated to being a resource. What else could I be? Obviously nobody wants me since I'm alone and I should be grateful to at least be of help to someone, and be of some sort of use to the society. And this happens to me even though I only communicate, and work for, and live with other women.

And if I lived with other lesbians.. it wouldn't be like this. I would be a normal part of society. I wouldn't be an afterthought, something to use and forget immediately. I would just be a normal person. With my love for a spatula, fascination with gentle snow, and the desire to have a soothing day where I make myself experience joy and comfort. All of this would matter, and be a part of who I am, I could talk about it, I could talk about things that seem so unimportant and irrelevant to everyone here. Even if alone, I would still be presumed to have an inherent value, my personality would count for something.

I kept thinking that some of this is my fault, maybe I act in the wrong way, or I'm too mild, too helpful, too forgiving, but now I see this was set up from the start. If I'm not a resource to a single male, then I'm presumed to be a resource for everyone else.

It makes me so mad to have to live like this. Is anyone else going mad?

#slightly depressing post #roommate's medical emergency #we're all okay now except i am sad lol #stay away from bleach female folk #i now know what happens if it gets in your eyes

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