#so many uncertainties do i even know myself!?

[rhaenicentpilled]

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans? In order of preference: Water bottles, sodas, tea cups, (iced) coffee mugs.

2. chocolate bars or lollipops? Depends chocolate bars for like a bite or two, but lollipops on the go/always.

3. bubblegum or cotton candy? Bubblegum but cotton candy flavoured stuff.

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you? Quiet, too quiet.

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups? Cans are superior, bottles and the rest make it flatter faster.

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear? Preppy/pastel/formal personally.

7. earbuds or headphones? Airbuds 24/7, then headphones for when theyre out of charge.

8. movies or tv shows? Movies fs but some times tv shows are superior.

9. favorite smell in the summer? The sea duh!

10. game you were best at in p.e.? None, we didnt have p.e.

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day? Bread, cheese, and milk tea.

12. name of your favorite playlist? Sounds from another planet, inspired by Japanese Breakfast album.

13. lanyard or key ring? Key chains.

14. favorite non-chocolate candy? No idea actually, I’ll eat any sweet yay!

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment? We didn’t have those either.

16. most comfortable position to sit in? Crossed legs, or spread out.

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes? My underarmour sneakers

18. ideal weather? A little cloudy, breezy, with a little sun every now and then.

19. sleeping position? On my back, dont have a preference really.

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)? I try to have a journal but its really just note app.

21. obsession from childhood? No idea.

22. role model? None.

23. strange habits? Dk.

24. favorite crystal? Ameythest a classic.

25. first song you remember hearing? Red by TS, she’s many things but deffo was an integral part of my childhood.

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather? Take a walk or something.

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather? Consume copious amounts of warm drinks.

28. five songs to describe you? Right side of my neck by Faye Webster, A pearl by Mitski, Andromeda by Weyes Blood, Swang by JT, VIP by Isabella Lovestory. Don’t necessarily think theyre me but theyre fav songs.

29. best way to bond with you? Dk talk to me?

30. places that you find sacred? Places of worship.

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names? Some corny 2000s villainess with leather and spandex.

32. top five favorite vines? Dont know ant That well, but probably oh my god they were roomates.

33. most used phrase in your phone? Idk?

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head? None.

35. average time you fall asleep? Depends is it weekday or weekend and whether i have class the day after.

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing? Don’t remember.

37. suitcase or duffel bag? Suitcase my shoulder isnt built that good.

38. lemonade or tea? Depends sometimes this or that.

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie? Cake.

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school? Someone got their braces poke out of their cheek by their friend.

41. last person you texted? My friend.

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets? Jacket.

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket? Hoodie clears.

44. favorite scent for soap? Roses.

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero? Fantasy, superheros, sci-fi.

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in? Pjs.

47. favorite type of cheese? White cheese.

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be? Strawberry because i liked them.

49. what saying or quote do you live by? YOLO.

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have? Dk.

51. current stresses? Life lol, classes too.

52. favorite font? Times new roman.

53. what is the current state of your hands? Okay, probably need w nail trim.

54. what did you learn from your first job? Jobless.

55. favorite fairy tale? Dk.

56. favorite tradition? Dk.

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome? A panic disorder maybe but did i overcome it who knows.

58. four talents you’re proud of having? None.

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be? Oh my fucking god.

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be? Shoujo lol.

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.? Don’t remember anything front of my mind.

62. seven characters you relate to? Kendall Roy, Alicent Hightower, Guillermo de la Cruz, Louis de Pointe du Lac, idk who else lol.

63. five songs that would play in your club? Now thats a good question, Figueroa by Megan Thee Stallion, Oh by JT, Nasty by Tinashe, Get It Sexyy by Sexyy Red, VIP by Isabella Lovestory.

64. favorite website from your childhood? Probably those dress up ones.

65. any permanent scars? Yeah some from falls or siblings fights.

66. favorite flower(s)? Maybe roses, maybe lilies, maybe daisies idk im not that informed

67. good luck charms? My own self :).

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried? Dk.

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned? Dk.

70. left or right handed? Right.

71. least favorite pattern? Colored checkers.

72. worst subject? Math.

73. favorite weird flavor combo? Chocolate and something spicy maybe.

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen? 5.

75. when did you lose your first tooth? Dk.

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)? Anything potatoes are all good to me.

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill? I would love to grow a herb.

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store? Sushi from grocery stores, because ive tried it snd its not bad!

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo? No driver id but my school id and actual idk are the same and theyre both bad.

80. earth tones or jewel tones? Earth tones.

81. fireflies or lightning bugs? Fireflies.

82. pc or console? Console.

83. writing or drawing? Writing.

84. podcasts or talk radio? Talk radio reminds me of hearing them young but i would probably now lean towards podcasts.

84. barbie or polly pocket? Barbie.

85. fairy tales or mythology? Fairy tales.

86. cookies or cupcakes? Cookies.

87. your greatest fear? Death.

88. your greatest wish? World peace.

89. who would you put before everyone else? Myself, who else is worth it?

90. luckiest mistake? Dk.

91. boxes or bags? Bags?

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights? Sunlights, lamps, overhead lights, fairy lights.

93. nicknames? Roro.

94. favorite season? Winter.

95. favorite app on your phone? Spotify or TikTok.

96. desktop background? On my ipad its just flowers.

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized? Mum, 2 of dads, mine thats it.

98. favorite historical era? Islamic golden age maybe, victorian too every history is great.

weird asks that say a lot

in

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

7. earbuds or headphones?

8. movies or tv shows?

9. favorite smell in the summer?

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

12. name of your favorite playlist?

13. lanyard or key ring?

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

18. ideal weather?

19. sleeping position?

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

21. obsession from childhood?

22. role model?

23. strange habits?

24. favorite crystal?

25. first song you remember hearing?

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

28. five songs to describe you?

29. best way to bond with you?

30. places that you find sacred?

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

32. top five favorite vines?

33. most used phrase in your phone?

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

35. average time you fall asleep?

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

38. lemonade or tea?

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

41. last person you texted?

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

44. favorite scent for soap?

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

47. favorite type of cheese?

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

51. current stresses?

52. favorite font?

53. what is the current state of your hands?

54. what did you learn from your first job?

55. favorite fairy tale?

56. favorite tradition?

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

62. seven characters you relate to?

63. five songs that would play in your club?

64. favorite website from your childhood?

65. any permanent scars?

66. favorite flower(s)?

67. good luck charms?

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

70. left or right handed?

71. least favorite pattern?

72. worst subject?

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

82. pc or console?

83. writing or drawing?

84. podcasts or talk radio?

84. barbie or polly pocket?

85. fairy tales or mythology?

86. cookies or cupcakes?

87. your greatest fear?

88. your greatest wish?

89. who would you put before everyone else?

90. luckiest mistake?

91. boxes or bags?

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

93. nicknames?

94. favorite season?

95. favorite app on your phone?

96. desktop background?

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

98. favorite historical era?

[leatherbookmark]

an interesting thing abt jgy antis is like. where is the source of their, shall we say, negative opinion of jgy? like, 1. jgy is a villain, he does horrible things with no remorse, he’s willing to do everything to achieve his selfish, egotistical goals. --> 2. the source of this claim: this, this and this scene. --> 3. alright, but to me -- says someone who’s not an anti -- this reads differently. that he did all those things, and did them on purpose and without remorse, is not that obvious to me. why do you think that? --> 4. well, obviously because he’s a villain and does horrible things with no remorse.

like... he’s evil because he does bad things, and he does bad things because he’s evil. i’m interested in how antis came by those opinions, but a, unfortunately i have them all blocked, and b, even if i or someone else made a poll, it wouldn’t be authentic because no sane anti is going to say “well, people hated him and wrote all those things about him on twt, so i started hating him as well”, or “i only care about wgxn, you could sell me anything about other characters if your arguments were convincing enough because i zoned out during the parts when wgxn weren’t on screen/pages of the book”. it’s all “written in the book/shown in the show” and “logical arguments you’d agree with if only you could read”.

[thedevotionaltour]

cognitive distortion brain euaaaauuuughhh!!!!!!!!!

[areyouwho-ithinkyouare]

there is… a job.. and it’s kinda perfect for me i think.. and it’s working somewhere i already know and love………. and the pay is good… and the hours are what i’m after………. and it’s easy enough to get to….

[so-i-did-this-thing]

How it's going as a trans person in Florida: Planned Parenthood, 26Health, and Spektrum Health have announced they have paused all gender affirming care.

To recap, DeSantis signed several anti-trans bills into law this week. Care is banned for minors, care is all but banned for adults, Don't Say Gay has been extended, children can be kidnapped from affirming parents by non-affirming family, and there is a bathroom bill that subjects trans folks to arrest for using government owned facilities, such as those in courthouses, airports, many stadiums and parks.

The adult effective ban was felt immediately. The main elements are:

signing at every visit an in-person informed consent form created by the state

all care come from physicians instead of nurse practitioners

no telemed for gender-affirming care

Currently, it is unknown if existing HRT prescriptions written by NPs will be honored by pharmacies. I personally know one person who was able to pick up testosterone yesterday, but I have also read many reports of folks being denied. I myself don't have a refill ready for another 10 days and will report back after I try my own pickup.

What's additionally dangerous is those of us, myself included, who get non-HRT prescriptions from our gender clinics now face the uncertainty of continuing of *all* of our medical care. Our health clinics are at risk of shuttering permanently as they lose major income, and many of us will lose STD meds, depression meds, heart meds, etc, etc.

When we say "this will kill us," it goes beyond suicide risk from forced detransition.

"But you can still get HRT from a physician."

So many suck or are outright hostile and the demand outstrips the supply. Before I found my NP-run clinic, one physician just decided to not call in my Rx, another was so shit at reading lab results, he thought I had hepatitis, and the third I had to threaten to kick in the teeth for trying to force too large a speculum in me.

Also, the state-required consent form has not been finalized and distributed yet, so at this point, everything has pretty much ground to a halt.

It was estimated that 80% of trans adults would lose their healthcare because of how many use providers like Planned Parenthood, but the impact seems even greater now.

"You can get your non-gender care elsewhere still."

DeSantis recently signed a bill that allows healthcare professionals to discriminate against trans people.

Sure, we can try to find care elsewhere, but it will be a slow and expensive process, with no guarantees. It took me over 20 years to get my heart condition treated because of transphobic doctors.

What can I do as a trans Floridian?

Stay in communication with your clinic - many are working on getting physicians added to the roster to prescribe HRT. Lawsuits are being filed and it's possible the changes to adult care can be rolled back.

Continue to try to pick up your meds, but begin looking for care elsewhere, though. Inside and outside the state.

Remember that while telemed for gender affirming care has been banned, you can still cross state lines for care. See Erin's map of informed consent clinics.

Many people will turn to DIY, but be sure you are aware of the risks here, especially if on testosterone, which is a controlled substance.

What should I be worried about next as a trans Floridian?

I worry about the following next steps towards genocide:

Banning getting care out of state. This is from the anti-abortion playbook. They will likely start with kids again, but we've seen how quickly adult care gets axed.

Being declared mentally incompetent or a risk in some way. This could be anything from being barred from gun ownership to not being allowed to work for the government.

Being declared a de facto predator. This has already happened with the latest bathroom law (cis people can eject trans people from government owned single-gender facilities, with arrest as a penalty), so watch out for it being applied to privately-owned facilities. Watch for discussions of official lists of trans people.

Gender presentation enforcement laws, essentially banning "cross dressing". Laws that block or rollback documentation changes.

These all have historic precedence and are huge "I'm in danger" red flags.

What can I do as a cis person?

Amplify all this news. Talk frankly about how this is genocide. And donate what you can to trans mutual aid campaigns so people can travel to get healthcare or even leave the state.

Here's some articles to get started on building awareness:

Take care, everyone, of yourself and each other.

[kitten4sannie]

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟏: 𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐞 𝟏 - 𝐯𝐚𝐥𝐮𝐞

pairing: mafia! ot8 x undercover officer! reader (fem)

genre: mafia/organized crime au, drama, angst

w.c: 3.3k

ch. summary: after countless months of preparation and ensuing anxiety, you finally revisit the infamous Black Pirates, but from the other side of the law, and it’s almost as if you’ve never left.

ch. warnings: not too many….uhhh very light depictions of violence, a bit of blood, a bit of manhandling (not the sexy kind), mingi is unhinged (?) and has a gun lmao, no smut this time but just you waittttt

a/n: hi thereeeee i cannot tell you how excited i am to share this with you all 🥹 this is my first mini series and i’ve never tackled anything this big before so please be patient with me when it comes to updates~~ (also this chapter will be the shortest of them all given it’s the intro hehe) but aaaaaaa i’m so happy we can go on this journey together >w< now sit back, relax, and enjoy ~ and if you like, please pleasee share your thoughts and feedback with me <33

song rec: scene 1 - value ~ ateez, concrete jungle ~ bad omens

fic masterlist

“Are you ready for this?” 

All you could hear was your heart thumping inside your ears, unable to focus on your Commander in Chief’s loaded question, tuning into the sounds of keyboard tapping and faceless chattering about the current crimes and cases that were plugging up the figurative drain of your local prescient, rather than what he was saying to you. Were you ready to infiltrate one of the most prevalent crime families your law enforcement agency has come to know and loathe over the better part of the year? Not as their friend, but this time, as an enemy? They had half your city in the palm of their hands and were itching to take it over, pushing the drug and gun trade into overdrive, washing countless loads of dirty dollar bills, and in turn, leaving you and your agency to clean up the mess they left behind — and what a mess they always made. Bullets, bodies, and broken dreams. Crime and punishment. Officers, regulations, and yellow tape. An endless game of chess that nobody ever seemed to win. The perpetrators of this game, their faces never left your mind, etching their likeness inside the grooves of your memory even after being away from them all for so long, at least, until now — if you stopped being such a goddamn pussy and answered your boss. 

“Y/N…? You can back out if you need to…” He gave you an apologetic smile. “Given your history, I know it might be a lot on you. We can always put somebody else in instead.” 

“No..!” you suddenly protested, bringing a closed fist near your mouth as you forcefully cleared your throat. “With all due respect, sir, I’ve been preparing myself for this since you helped me…change course and join the academy.” Realizing you were digging your nails into your palms, you relaxed your grip, leaving red idents behind. “And, of course, when we realized what the Kim Estate was actually doing behind closed doors.”

“It certainly wasn’t tennis,” the seasoned man chuckled softly, leaning back slightly inside his fraying office chair, rubbing at his eyes from underneath his reading glasses, not aware of how prominent his eye bags were becoming. He let out a small sigh. “Y/N, I have a lot of trust in you. Going back into that world as an undercover operative is not a walk in the park under any circumstances, but this…they have proven to be unpredictable. I’ll ask you once more. Are you sure you can handle this case?” 

In all honesty, you were never too sure what you could handle, both in your professional and personal life, but the uncertainty never stopped you from diving in headfirst. And this, this case, being one of the dominos that would knock them all down, well…it was simply too delicious to pass up. 

You stood up, bowing your head to your superior, before giving him a knowing nod. “I’m ready, sir.” 

-

Your closest friend back in your police academy days and fellow undercover partner, Yeonjun, was the first person you spotted upon exiting your boss’ office, well, specifically his bright red hair, slowly navigating past the maze of desks and whispering coworkers to make it over to him, privy to the looks some of them gave you as you slipped past them — though it didn’t phase you anymore. Your past did not define you. At least, that’s what your therapist had been telling you the past few years. 

“Hey, partner,” Yeonjun greeted you with a smile, reaching out to hand you a paper cup full of freshly steeped coffee, leaning back to sit down on the crowded surface of his desk. “Tomorrow’s the big day. You ready?” 

You took the steaming cup, your jaw tensing as the bitter liquid hit your tastebuds. “I’m as ready as I’ll ever be, Choi.” You always thought of someone else when you uttered that surname. He was the complete opposite of your partner here: calm and collected, soulless when he wanted to be and full of love the very next moment, ticking back between the two like a malfunctioning metronome. You hated him for it. 

“Hey, it’s just Yeon, now. Come tomorrow, I won’t be my normal sexy self.” He pulled his freshly printed fake ID out of his t-shirt pocket and held it up to your face, replicating the toothy smile he had inside the picture. “Well, still sexy, yeah?” 

Chuckling, you leaned in, studying the fake ID, impressed by how real it looked. “Very sexy, Yeon, but remind me why you dyed your hair red? Is it the quarter life crisis settling in?” 

Yeonjun rolled his eyes, tucking his ID back into his pocket. “Ha-ha, funny. I just thought I should look the part if I’m going in as some renowned hacker.” 

You pushed a few files out of the way to lean against Yeonjun’s desk beside him. “Have you been studying up on your skills then?” 

“Of course, I have. I know I joke around a lot, but I’ve  dedicated my life to this, Y/N…” 

You looked down at Yeonjun’s hand, the one that rested on the desk in between you, his fingers drumming against the surface. “Good, because they don’t play around…”

The drumming stopped. Yeonjun turned his head to look at you, a flicker of light inside his brown eyes, like he was trying to understand you. “Do you…ever think about your life before the academy? Before this? Do you wish you could go back?” 

You bit into your lip, gazing past Yeonjun’s hand at one of the files that contained information about the very people you would be betraying. “I…just want to be good. Do what’s right…That’s why I left all of that. It’s why I’m here now.” 

He leaned over slightly until his shoulder pressed into yours, using his pinky to nudge at yours. “Not many would do what you’ve done, y’know. Giving up their way of life for something like this.” 

You nudged back, staring into the half empty cup of coffee you were still holding onto. “Not many people are this stupid.” 

“Not stupid.” Yeonjun pretended to clink his empty paper cup against yours, giving you a soft smile. “Brave. You’re the key component of this entire operation, Y/N. That’s huge. You’ll make a difference. Isn’t that what this is all about?” 

“Maybe…you’re right,” you replied softly, once again distracted by the folder from before, the one that was slightly open just enough to reveal the image of a man with slick back hair, dressed in quaint Victorian style clothes, with a big bow wrapped around his neck. Kim Hongjoong, owner of the Kim Estate and leader of the Black Pirate Organization. You knew him all too well, and all his closest cohorts. Would they recognize you? You hadn’t seen them since you were a young girl, forgotten by most and lost inside a system that didn’t care about you, except for the ambitious young man that swore he would one day be sat atop his ivory tower with those that followed his path. And now there he was, living the high life inside his big shiny mansion, sipping on fine wine, while you were still forcing down bitter instant coffee day after day, surrounded by people that looked at you, but never really saw you for what you were, whatever that was. Maybe Hongjoong knew. 

“Y/N…? You’re staring off into space again…” Yeonjun whispered near you, getting up from the desk once you came back to Earth. “Anyways, it’s late, and we have a lot to do tomorrow. We should get going.” 

“You’re right, we need as much rest as we can get.” You stretched out your legs before standing back up, just now noticing that you were the only two left inside the workspace, the light from your Chief’s office still peeking out past the dusty blinds. Maybe your Chief knew. 

Packing up your briefcase, you smiled at Yeonjun. “Should I dye my hair too?” 

Yeonjun pouted, resting his own briefcase against his hip. “That’s my thing.” 

-

Particles of dust and dirt filled your lungs, joining the blood that you began to choke on. It hurt to breathe, but your body carried on supplying oxygen to your lungs, not giving you a choice in the matter. You rolled over onto your back to face the night sky, your teary eyes focusing on the twinkling stars and the bright blue moon that loomed over the town, storm clouds rolling past until they blocked out the pretty view. Heavy rain began to pour down, soaking you to the bone. Even though you were losing the will to live, you still held onto the silver pair of scissors that you used to prove a point, even though it might’ve cost you your life. That was still something. However, your dear mentor still stood over you, his neck being clutched tightly by his trembling fingers, crimson slowly slipping past them. 

“See what happens when you bite the hand that feeds you? Ungrateful brat,” he choked out in between shallow breaths. Frustrated, he let out a gurgled growl, tossing his bloodied shank onto the dirt road beside his feet. You could’ve sworn you saw tears slip down his flushed cheeks, but then again, it was raining. “I didn’t want to do this…but you gave me no choice.” 

His closest companion took a step forward to securely grasp his upper arm, urging him, “Sir, we need to get you to the nearest hideout. I won’t let you bleed out like this.” 

The disheveled man’s other trusted subordinate placed a gloved hand on one of his shoulders, squeezing into it with urgency. He surveyed you past his foggy glasses, pushing them up the slope of his nose. His eyes were once filled with a sense of endearment when he looked at you, but now, they held contempt. “She made her decision, sir.” 

The struggling leader turned his head to look back and forth between his dear followers, then at his men who all waited behind them, their rain-streaked faces contorted with conflicted apprehension. They stood perfectly still like statues, until the all too familiar sound of sirens rang out in the distance. That’s when they all scattered, like rats, escaping from the flashing lights and disappearing into the dark of the night.  

Your soon to be killer was the last one to leave, looming over you as though he was Death himself, beads of rain, sweat, and blood dripping from his chin and down onto your face below. “Just one question, darling…” He held his neck tighter than before, growing dizzier from all the blood loss. “Why?” 

A small, self-satisfied laugh painfully bellowed from your chest, causing you to grab at your stomach where it had been sliced into. “The blade cuts both ways, sir. I was just following your lead…” You weakly lifted your hand up in the air, as though you wanted to reach him, but simply couldn’t. “Why aren’t you proud of the monster you created?” 

The man began to beam at you, but the corner of his lips stretched to an unfathomable degree, as though he had carved a smile into his own face. He lifted his chin up just enough to rid himself of the shadow that was cast over him, his brown eyes now void of anything, simply black. Soulless. “Oh, darling…the monster was always there. I simply dug it up.” 

You suddenly woke up and sat upright in your bed, your entire body covered in a layer of sweat, leading you to desperately kick off the comforter that had trapped you inside the sweltering heat. Upon realizing you were no longer caught inside a warped memory from your adolescence, you looked down at your stomach, lifting up the edge of your shirt to see if your scar was still there, sighing softly when you saw the jagged patch of skin. 

Your past doesn't define you. He doesn't define you — none of them do. And, now, you had the opportunity to create your own definition, and get a little revenge while you were at it. 

-

“Do we ring the doorbell…?” Yeonjun asked from beside you, nervously shifting his weight from foot to foot, getting a bit dizzy from trying to take in all of the glory of the Kim Estate. 

You were too busy studying the faded stains of blood left on the stone floor below to notice how out of character Yeonjun was already behaving, not that you could blame him. A similar prick of anxiety was already embedding itself into your mind, but you waved it away as soon as it made itself present. “We may be entering a lion’s den, but we won’t behave like them. I’ll knock.” 

Yeonjun nodded swiftly, clutching the handle of his messenger bag tightly inside his sweaty hand. “Hopefully they don’t eat us alive.” 

You gently pushed a few strands of hair behind your ear, making sure you didn’t disturb the positioning of the micro earpiece that was sitting just behind your tragus. “They won’t, as long as we prove our worth.” 

You grabbed onto the obnoxious ivory door knocker, and just as you were about to make your presence known, you found yourself being yanked into the mansion by someone much bigger than you, Yeonjun’s squeaks of protest becoming background noise as soon as the man slammed you against the nearest wall. What felt to be the cold barrel of a compact handgun pressed up into the bottom of your chin with a click, your assailant’s focused, deep-set eyes boring into your own. “Is this how you welcome all your guests?”

“Not all of them…some I leave dead on the doorstep before they can even get a chance to beg on their knees,” the man muttered in a distinctly gravelly voice, a small chuckle bubbling out of his throat. Usually, the people he dealt with would be pissing themselves at this point, but it just seemed to be another day for this strangely familiar visitor. 

You could almost see your partner out of the corner of your eye, already on his own knees, his distinctively red hair being held onto by a nameless man in a 3-hole knit balaclava. It was then that you angled your head up slightly to get a good look at your old friend, feeling the barrel push harder into your skin. “Every guard dog has to have their fun, right? And, if you blew my head off now, well, where’s the fun in that?” 

“You’re right, doll.” The tall man’s plump lips quirked up into a smirk, slowly dragging his gun past your chin, down your neck, and along the softest parts of your body, poking and prodding at you in an attempt to humiliate you. “Should I see how many new holes I can give you? Fill them all with hot lead?” 

“At least buy me a drink first,” you said through gritted teeth, trying not to show any discomfort when he pushed the loaded gun roughly into your abdomen, directly into your scar, not that he could’ve known it was there. 

He seemed to enjoy your pained response, leaning his head back to let out a sudden laugh, one that was short and abrupt like a bark. “You’re one crazy bitch…” The man licked over his plump lips. “I like that.” 

It was just then that somebody else entered the foyer, their presence so distinctly powerful, the lot of you couldn’t help but notice before he even stepped foot in the room. “Is that any way to treat a valued guest, Mingi? I thought I trained you better than that.” 

Mingi immediately de-cocked the gun and brought it behind his back, tucking it away inside the waistline of his tailored pants. “I’m sorry, sir.”

Seonghwa patted Mingi’s shoulder with a gloved hand, giving him a small nod of understanding, before turning his attention to you and Yeonjun, the both of you cautiously standing with your backs against the paneled wall. “I do apologize for my guard dog. We try to keep him on a tight leash, but sometimes…he gets loose.” His shifting eyes formed half crescents. “You understand.” 

Yeonjun glanced over at you for guidance, and you responded with a small smile, before nodding your head obediently at Seonghwa’s words, Yeonjun following your lead. “It’s not a problem.” 

Seonghwa clasped his hands together, shaking his head slightly, a strand or two of raven hair falling past his forehead from where the rest of it sat perfectly still. He couldn’t seem to understand why he was experiencing a bout of deja vu. “Where are my manners?” He pressed his palm into his chest, and gave a small bow. “I’m Park Seonghwa, the second in command, if you will, here at the Kim Estate.” 

Yeonjun bowed back instantly, pushing his dyed hair behind his ears as he stood up straight. “My name’s Yeon. That’s what I go by online.” 

Seonghwa’s eyebrows raised up slightly. “Ah, I know you.” He chuckled to himself, glad that he was able to pinpoint the air of familiarity, but still annoyed that something wasn’t quite right. “You’re that hacker that’s going around and fucking with the local government, aren’t you?” 

Yeonjun was glad he didn’t eat too much that morning, otherwise he would’ve already thrown it up by now. He brought a peace sign up to his face and smiled. “That’s me, professional shit-stirrer at your service.” 

As more men began to trickle into the foyer to see what all the commotion was about, Seonghwa slowly turned his attention back to you, the true object of his frustration. It’s like he had seen you many times before, in a dream, perhaps? In the casino they ran behind closed doors? Or maybe you were one of the many playthings that were brought in to appease the voracious appetites of his degenerate cohorts. Either way, Seonghwa both loved and loathed the way you were already inside his mind, like you had already lived there, and your existence had simply been unearthed by the sands of time. 

“And, you are…?” he asked in a slow, calculated manner, his head tilting to the side. 

“I’m a diamond expert,” you explained vaguely, motioning to the large suitcase of supplies you were holding. “I can see the value of most things from a mile away, much like your dear leader.” 

Hongjoong was already aware of your arrival. You could feel it in your bones. 

Seonghwa brought a closed fist to his chin, nodding at your words, still not completely sure why he felt so uncomfortable. “But, who are you?” 

Your bubbling amusement was starting to rush to the surface, unable to keep yourself from smiling. And, just like that, you reunited with your dear mentor, except on opposite sides of the chess board. You were delighted everyone was there to witness the beginnings of your awaited rematch. “Why don’t you ask him? I think he’ll have an idea of who I am,” you replied giddily, prompting you to motion your head to the man that stood above the rest of you. 

You felt something stir within the men that looked at you, as though what had been hidden for so long had finally come to light. You weren’t a ghost, much to their surprise — well, at least, not yet. You were, of course, taking a gamble with your life, and your partner’s as well, but risks were meant to be taken, rules were meant to be broken, and strings were meant to be cut.

As though right on time, Hongjoong dug his nails into the mahogany railing of the expansive landing, his free hand unconsciously adjusting the bow that was wrapped securely around his neck. He understood the most out of all them. Value. You looked up to him, moving your fingers as though you were using a pair of scissors. 

“Remember now?” 

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© kitten4sannie, 2024.

[dokjaism]

[zhongrin]

zhongrin © 2024 ❥ do not repost, plagiarize, translate, or feed into ai.

i'm tired, darling.

featuring... ❥ zhongli, al haitham, jing yuan, blade

involves... ❥ hurt/comfort(-ish), implied self-harm, suicidal thoughts/behavior, probably incoherent, not proofread

through the thousands years of his life, through the plethora of sounds that could bring both fear and sadness to the god of stone’s heart, one stands out most; and he is forced to relive this moment as his ears picked up your heart-wrenching wail and loud sobs from the bedroom. he pays no mind to the clatter of his shoes nor the crumple of his signature coat to the floor, missing its intended place at the coat hanger. all he knows is that you’re in pain — his mate is in pain.

zhongli finds you curled in your nest, trembling and buying your head into your favorite pillow. his chest tightens when you peek at him, and he sees the rain of tears staining your cheeks, eyelashes matted and lips quivering. a variety of emotions wells inside him, but he’s sure it’s nowhere near intense as what you’re experiencing right now.

��darling…,” your husband whispers, stepping closer slowly, reaching forward cautiously like he’s approaching a wounded animal, “can i come closer?”

you can’t seem to reply, busy hiccuping and teetering the edges of hyperventilating. wilting and rotting like a flower that’s been rained for far too long. struggling to stay alive, and yet the petals are falling, the leaves crushed, the thin stem drooping.

your skin is marred, and in turn a pained frown mar his face. his gloves are taken off haphazardly, and they gently settle on your back, trying to rub soothing patterns. he knows not to speak, yet he makes sure you won’t be in further danger for yourself.

it’s a slow process, for you to unlatch yourself from the pillow and delve into his embrace instead. but when you finally do after a series of patient coaxing and comforting touches, he holds you tighter.

just hold on, please just hold on. his warm hand cradles your nape, reassuring and solid, while the other squeezes against the flesh of your back. this too shall pass. his lips press against your shoulder; reverent, loving, apologetic. i love you.

for a man who has his way with words, there are just as many unspoken words in each of his silent actions. he can only hope it's enough to tide you for tonight. at least for tonight.

“everything hurts.”

“i don’t know what's wrong.”

“i’m so tired.”

there are many things al haitham knows the answer to. those that he doesn't would normally require some deep research, but at the end of the day he comes out a renewed man who could potentially give a few presentations about said topic if he so wished. but matters of the heart are notoriously fickle, complicated, and perhaps ironically beyond human understanding.

“i don’t know how you can help. i don't know how to even help myself.”

all he can do is hold you, and he is plunged into the enlightening pit that is the realization about the powerlessness of a mortal, as he feels the shaking of your body within his arms. the sharp mind he is often praised and insulted for and the body he trains daily for precautions are useless against this intangible enemy.

what was he to say? “it’s okay”? when he couldn’t guarantee that it would be? “you’ll be okay”? wouldn’t that imply you should have the capability to make yourself okay? “it’ll get better”? wouldn’t it be overly optimistic and naive to believe the world will just somehow align itself to pave a path of flowers for you?

too many uncertainties. too lacking of valid evidences to support his case. broken and as worn out as you may be, you are not a fool, and such is a trait that he will continue to adore about you. the treatment as an equal is what you deserve, even when you’re in your lowest moment.

so he settles with something he knows will be factually true and has a complete control over:

“i’m always here for you.”

everyone equates silence to peace, yet often fails to account silence as suffering.

centuries of living, and jing yuan too manages to make the same mistake. there’s something haunting about the way you lay on your shared bed today. and now that he thinks about it more, yesterday… and the days before, too. something unnatural in your smiles, in the way it slips far too quickly and the way you always close your eyes, as if to hide something. the way you keep your nails short, the nail clipper making itself home on your nightstand and used every morning and every night, almost in desperation. the nights where he would fall asleep to your snore are quiet: the room listens to his breaths and the tranquil chirps of the cicadas outside.

silence.

silence.

silence.

silence.

“darling, something’s wrong, and you’re not telling me.”

you look at him like you’re tired of life itself, and his heart freezes. in a second, he drops onto the bed and cups your cheek. by now you should have berated him not to wear his work clothes and climb onto bed with them, and yet all he’s met with is

silence.

and a shaky breath, before you finally speak, soft and uncertain and numb.

“why can’t it all just end, yuan?”

he can give you a hundred reasons. because it means he won’t be able to see you smile anymore. because it means he won’t be able to make you laugh. because it means he won’t be able to kiss you, make love to you, treat you like the priceless treasure…

… that he has utterly failed to do.

“i’m sorry, darling. i was ignorant. when did this start?” he pleads. the man commanding an entire ship that may as well be a nation in itself grovels willingly before you, his hand cradling yours before bringing it up to his lips. your knight nuzzles your palm, observes the way your eyes turns glassy, a tear slowly sliding down your temple onto the halo of your hair.

“let’s end this silence and talk to me…. please?”

“countless times. countless. times…,” his breath shudders, jaw clenching before his lips reopen, “… you tell me, again and again, to be careful with my body. and yet i come back to see this…”

blade’s breath hitches, and perhaps a stab to the heart would be less painful than the way his body seizes up with hurt at the way you promptly apologize, with those godforsaken tears continuing to make a stream of sadness stain your cheeks.

he’s always seen you as a tempered steel, resilient and sharp, yet comforting and reassuring. the star to his night, illuminating and guiding. the sun in his orbit, ever present and shining so brightly.

he forgets that even the strongest blades, too, can break. that any stars can disappear in an instant by a supernova. that a sun continuously burns itself just to shine and will one day, too, burn out like a fizzling candle.

your voice is as cracked as the weapon he wields and it cuts deeper into the scarred remains of his cursed heart. he swallows thickly, yet the lump in his throat refuses to cease. rough hands tightening before his arms bring you into a painful embrace. just like the way you hold him whenever the nightmares visit. he tries to wipe your crystalline tears with his fingers, watches sorrowfully as your swollen eyes glazes and the whites of your eyes fills with red lines. the grief you experience is harrowing, and he wonders if this is how you feel whenever you see him suffer: powerless, bleak, tortured.

“don’t cry.” would it truly suffice to just hold you like this?

“don’t cry.” would it be better to kill everything you’ve ever interacted with so you won’t be hurt further?

“don’t cry.” would it be better to remove himself from your life…?

“i’ll give you everything,” he finds his own voice break, “everything… so please stop crying.”

[sadnymi]

「 ✦ Euphoria. ✦ 」

[Mattheo riddle x Inexperienced!reader]

Request: can you perhaps do an inexperienced reader x mattheo with like thigh riding and dry humping .

Words: 2.400

Warning: thighs riding, dry humping, f(orgasm), fluff ,smut .

Sat alone at the top of the Astronomy Tower, hidden away from prying eyes, consumed by the weight of my emotions. Tears streamed down my cheeks uncontrollably, my sobs echoing off the stone walls as I struggled to contain the storm raging within me.

Suddenly, I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder, I looked up to see Mattheo, his concerned eyes searching mine. He pushed the strands of hair away from my face, brushing away the tears with a tenderness that made my heart ache.

"What's wrong, my love?" he whispered, his voice soft and soothing. "Why are you crying like this Y/N?"

I hiccupped through my tears, unable to form words as the pain threatened to overwhelm me. But Mattheo pulled me into his arms, holding me close as he whispered sweet words of comfort and reassurance.

"Shh, it's okay," he murmured, his voice a soothing balm to my wounded soul. "You can tell me anything, darling. I promise I'll fix it for you. I hate to see tears in those beautiful eyes."

His words melted away the walls around my heart, and I buried my face in his chest, letting myself be enveloped by his love and warmth. In that moment, I knew that no matter what challenges lay ahead, as long as I had Mattheo by my side, everything would be okay.

“He called me a prude," I choked out, my voice trembling with emotion. "He said I ruined our date because I wouldn't let him touch me. He said so many hurtful things...".

Mattheo's expression softened with understanding as he listened attentively, his arms wrapped protectively around me. "I'm so sorry, my love," he murmured, pressing a gentle kiss to my forehead.

"You did nothing wrong. You have every right to set boundaries and expect respect and he’s going to pay for each tear that falls from your eyes."

His words washed over me like a soothing balm, calming the storm of doubts and insecurities raging within me. "I just wanted to feel wanted," I admitted, my voice barely a whisper. "To go on a date like the other girls..."

"You are wanted, more than you could ever know," he insisted, his gaze burning with intensity. "Not by just anyone, but by someone who sees your worth, your beauty, your intelligence, and your kindness. Someone who loves you for exactly who you are."

His words struck a chord deep within me, touching a part of my soul that I had thought long buried beneath layers of self-doubt. "But I'm a prude," I protested weakly, the label still echoing in my mind.

Mattheo's expression softened, his eyes filled with an emotion that sent a shiver down my spine. "You're not,"

"Baby, it's not like that," he reassured me, his voice gentle but firm. "You're not a prude. Those boys don't even deserve one tear from those beautiful eyes."

I gazed at him, my heart swelling with a mixture of love and disbelief at his heartfelt words. His unwavering belief in me, his unwavering love, it was overwhelming. And as I looked into his eyes, filled with an intensity that took my breath away.

"But I'm inexperienced," I admitted quietly, my voice tinged with uncertainty.

His response was immediate, his tone filled with unwavering confidence. "You're just waiting for the right person," he assured me, his gaze steady.

I met his eyes, searching for the courage to express the feelings that swirled within me. I longed to tell him in that moment that he was the only boy who mattered to me, that my heart beat for him alone. But the fear of rejection held me back. He was Mattheo, and I was just me. How could I dare to dream of being more than his best friend?

"But what if the right person never sees me? What if they never develop feelings for me?" I questioned, my voice betraying my uncertainty.

His response was gentle yet firm, his touch tender as he held my face in his hands. "Then you need to look more closely," he replied, his eyes flickering briefly to my lips before meeting mine once more.

As his breath caressed my face, his proximity sending a wave of anticipation coursing through me, I closed my eyes, unable to resist the magnetic pull drawing us together. I felt the gentle brush of his finger against my lower lip, a tender gesture that sent a shiver of excitement down my spine.

"Why are you wasting your time with those stupid boys, baby?" his voice was a soft murmur, laden with sincerity and affection. I dared to open my eyes, finding myself lost in the intensity of his gaze. He was so close, his presence enveloping me in warmth and reassurance.

And then, without hesitation, he closed the distance between us, his lips meeting mine in a kiss that stole my breath away. His lips were soft, so achingly soft against mine, yet the kiss held a passion and longing that left me utterly breathless.

In that moment, everything else faded away, leaving only the two of us suspended in time. His lips moved against mine with a gentle urgency, as if he was pouring all his unspoken feelings into the kiss. It was my first kiss, but it felt like so much more – it felt like the culmination of every unspoken desire and every hidden longing we had ever shared.

I melted into his embrace, my hands finding their way to his shoulders as I surrendered myself completely to the intoxicating sweetness of his kiss. The world around us ceased to exist as we lost ourselves in each other, our hearts beating as one in a moment of pure, unadulterated bliss.

And as our lips finally parted, leaving us both breathless and flushed with desire

" you kissed me," I whispered, my voice barely a breath as I searched his eyes for answers.

He smiled, a softness in his gaze that made my heart flutter. "It took me so long to, but I did," he admitted, his voice filled with a mixture of relief and longing.

"Why did you kiss me?" I couldn't help but ask, my curiosity getting the better of me.

"Because I felt like I would have died if I didn't," he confessed, his words sending a thrill of excitement coursing through me.

I looked at him, my heart pounding in my chest as I dared to ask the question that had been lingering on my mind. "Do you... do you like me too?"

His response was immediate, his voice filled with a raw intensity that took my breath away. "Fuck, baby," he moaned, his words a desperate plea. "I'm in love with you. So deeply in love with you."

As he kissed me again, I melted into him, lost in the sensation of his lips against mine. But then I felt something beneath me, and I pulled back, concern etching my features.

"See, that's what you do to me," he murmured, his voice strained with desire.

I gasped, realizing the effect I was having on him. "It feels good," I admitted, my cheeks flushing with heat.

He smirked, his eyes darkening with lust. "What feels good, baby?" he teased, his hands roaming over my body.

"this... Mattheo, oh i this so good I want more ," I confessed, feeling a surge of arousal coursing through me.

"Fuck, baby," he groaned, his grip tightening on my thighs as I moved against him again.

But then, I felt a pang of worry. "I'm so sorry, Mattheo. Did I do something wrong? I'm sorry, I didn't mean it," I babbled, my nerves getting the best of me.

He hushed me gently, his touch soothing my frayed nerves. "Shhh, my sweet girl, you did nothing wrong. It's just... if you continue to do that, it might....." he trailed off, his words leaving me hanging in suspense.

I swallowed hard, feeling a rush of embarrassment wash over me. "Did you ever experience the feeling of orgasm before? I mean, with yourself," he asked softly, his eyes filled with understanding.

I shook my head, feeling tears pricking at the corners of my eyes. "No," I admitted, my voice barely a whisper.

But instead of judgment, I found only warmth and reassurance in his gaze. He smiled gently and kissed me again, his lips tender against mine.

"So that makes you feel good?" he asked, his voice soft with concern. As I nodded, he continued, "I'm going to give you more, but let's take it step by step, okay?"

I nodded eagerly, desperate for more of the pleasure he could offer. And as he trailed kisses along my neck, sending shivers of pleasure down my spine, I knew that I was in good hands.

As his hands trailed up my thighs, pushing my dress higher until my wet panties were exposed, I felt a surge of anticipation coursing through me. His touch was electric, igniting a fire deep within me that I couldn't extinguish.

With a gentle yet firm hand, he guided me to straddle his thigh, positioning me so that I could feel the hardness of his arousal pressing against me. I gasped at the sensation, the friction sending sparks of pleasure shooting through my body.

"You're so fucking sexy," he murmured, his voice low and husky with desire. "I love seeing you like this, all wet and ready for me."

I moaned in response, the sensation of his thigh against my throbbing core driving me wild with need. And as he began to move me against him, guiding my hips with his hands, I felt a wave of pleasure building deep within me.

"Good girl," he murmured, his voice laced with approval. "That's it, ride my thigh just like that."

I closed my eyes, surrendering to the sensation as he continued to move me against him. With each thrust of my hips, I felt the tension building, the pleasure mounting with every stroke.

His lips found mine in a searing kiss, his tongue exploring my mouth as he urged me to let go of my inhibitions. "Don't be afraid, baby," he murmured against my lips. "Just feel it."

But with each movement, I could feel my pussy throbbing against his hard thigh, the friction sending sparks of pleasure shooting through me. And then, as if by instinct, I shifted my hips, seeking more contact, more friction.

Mattheo groaned in response, his grip tightening on my hips as I ground against him with reckless abandon. "Fuck, baby," he muttered, his voice thick with desire. "You feel so good against me."

And then, as the pleasure reached its peak, I felt something new, something I had never experienced before. It was a tightness in my stomach, a fluttering sensation that seemed to radiate throughout my entire body.

"What... what is this feeling?" I gasped, my voice filled with uncertainty as I struggled to make sense of the overwhelming sensations coursing through me.

He kissed and sucked my neck gently, his lips sending shivers of pleasure down my spine. "Don't be afraid, my sweet girl," he whispered. "That's pleasure, and you deserve every bit of it."

I moaned in response, the sensation of his lips against my skin driving me wild with desire. With every movement, I felt myself drawing closer to the edge, the pleasure building to an almost unbearable intensity.

I moved my hips against his thigh, craving more of the friction that sent waves of pleasure coursing through me. His grip tightened on my hips, his touch electric as he guided me in my movements.

I felt a new hunger stirring deep within me. I wanted more, I needed more, and I knew that he was the only one who could give it to me.

"Please," I begged, my voice barely a whisper. "I want more."

He grinned, his eyes gleaming with lust as he moved me against him, his own arousal pressing against me now. "You want more, baby?" he growled, his hands gripping my hips possessively. "Then let me give it to you."

With a wicked grin, he shifted me slightly, guiding me so that I could feel the hard length of his arousal pressing against my soaked panties. As he moved me against him, the friction sent bolts of pleasure shooting through me, and I couldn't help but moan in response.

"That's it, baby," he murmured, his breath hot against my ear. "Feel how hard you make me. Feel what you do to me."

I whimpered as he continued to move me against him, the pleasure mounting with every stroke. His lips found mine in a searing kiss, his tongue dancing with mine as he urged me on.

"Ride me, baby," he growled, his voice filled with hunger. "Show me how much you want it."

With a desperate cry, I began to move against him, my hips rocking back and forth as I sought out the delicious friction he offered. Each thrust sent waves of pleasure crashing over me, building with every stroke until I was teetering on the edge of ecstasy once more.

He watched me with hungry eyes, his hands gripping my hips as he guided me in my movements. "That's it, baby," he murmured, his voice low and husky with desire. "You're doing so well."

Encouraged by his praise, I moved faster, my body craving more of the pleasure he was giving me. With each thrust, I felt myself drawing closer to the edge, the pleasure building to an almost unbearable intensity.

And then, with a cry of pure ecstasy, I felt it happen. My body convulsed with uncontrollable spasms as waves of pleasure crashed over me, and I screamed his name as I tumbled over the edge into oblivion.

He held me close as I trembled with the force of my release, his arms wrapped around me protectively. And as I lay there, spent and sated in his arms, I knew that I had never experienced anything like this before.

He kissed my forehead softly, his lips tender against my skin as he whispered, "You're amazing, baby. Absolutely amazing."

I looked up at him, my body still tingling from the incredible pleasure he had just given me. "Matt, can you make me feel that feeling again? Can you teach me more " I asked, my voice barely a whisper.

His eyes darkened with desire as he gazed down at me, his fingers trailing lightly along my neck. "Fuck, baby," he muttered, his voice husky with need. "The things I want to do to you, the things I'm gonna do to you...".

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── ─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── ─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆

[fishnapple]

Channelled message: Things they wish to tell you (lover/partner/future spouse)

This reading is about things that the person you have in mind wishes to tell you but find it hard to do so. I don't know why, but the tone of this reading sounded so angsty. I had to fought back the urge to comment on every sentence as I was typing.

This is a general reading meant for multiple people. Take only what resonates and leave out the rest.

Your feedback is much appreciated. If you find the reading resonated with you, leave a comment, I’d love to know 🎐

About me | Masterpost Book a reading with me - KO-FI (Read this post : personal reading)

1. Amethyst

I feel like a kid whenever I'm near you. It's hard to hide, I feel so vulnerable. You stripped me of my armour. You made me afraid but I liked it. I want to tell you that you can strip whatever is left of me, and I will be willing to stand there and let you do it.

But before that, you have to catch me. I like the game of hide and seek, running and chasing. Every time I had to chase you, every time you had to chase me, it gave me the satisfaction that I'm not proud to tell you. Don't give me that look, you and I both know that whatever game we are playing, in the end, the loser gets to win, the winner gets to lose. You know you can catch me, because I let you.

I love whispering things into those pretty ears of yours. Feel them so close that my lips can almost touch your skin. Sometimes you will laugh, sometimes you will stay silent, your skin getting more red, sometimes you will turn around and let your lips touch mine. Your reactions are my goal and I'm an over-achiever.

Teetering between pure love and pure lust, what to choose? Sometimes we are so close to being enemies to each other, then we fall over into lovers. I don't know how we do it but I like to keep it a little ambiguous. The suspension, the uncertainty, those uncomfortable feelings make me feel alive.

Not to mention that people are so confused about us. I bet they can sense something between us, those flustered looks, those closer than necessary touches, those innocent exchanges. They can guess but they will never know the depth of our connection.

I actually love the feeling of sitting on the couch, waiting for you to come home to me. Once we've built our nest, I don't want to leave it. I don't want you to leave either. But I know your free spirit well enough not to tell you my wish. But you can't blame me if sometimes I use some "tactics" to entice you to stay with me. Hey, I can hear your snicker. You think someone like me saying this kind of thing is probably lying. Well, I do lie, but about the opposite thing, I lie to the world that I'm not a home-body, that my life is a constant motion, moving here and there, that I'm someone who always takes charge. My lies will be so convincing that they can even fool you. Yes, I know I like to change things, but look closer, you will find something that stays the same no matter what. I hope you won't give up finding it because I won't make it easy for you to find it. But I know you like a good challenge.

2. Rose quartz

I have so many things I wanted to tell you, but the moment those words arrived at the tip of my tongue, they took a U turn and went back. I don't know why I like to betray myself like that.

I would tell you how this ice cream tastes good, but all I could think about is your taste. I would tell you I like the feeling of warmth when sitting near the fire, but all I could feel is your heat. Same old stuff, same old stories, same old jokes, repeated again and again. What am I trying to hide? Why can't I just say what I want? What am I so afraid of?

I feel like a yellow rubber duck, floating forever on the surface, can't never get deep enough. Well, at least I get to be with you in the bathtub, not complaining. Here I go again, using light words to camouflage my feelings and desire for you. I don't want to be a tease, I want to be an arrow, striking its target at lightning speed.

Use your finger and sink this duck down into the water, and keep it that way. Hold me down, keep me still, until I'm drown in you.

Giving and taking, holding and embracing, I want it all, I don't want a single experience to slip through my fingers, I want to salvage everything, to savour slowly then to devour swiftly.

I want you to be the cold, harsh truth to my soft lies. The punishing force to my innocent crimes. But I also want you to be the embrace that I can fall into, the laughter I long to hear in my darkening days. Greedy, I know. And you can be greedy with me too. You ask and I will give.

Will you say no to my dreams, saying they're just pipe dreams, forever should be in the land of the unreal. Or will you say yes and applaud them? I know I can make them real, I know I can turn my thoughts into things that others can see and feel. I have faith. I just want you to have that same faith with me. Wouldn't it be nicer to have two who dream the same dreams? And nicer still when those two can create something together. I suggest a family, kids, pets, just a few examples.

I wish to take you everywhere, to meet everyone I know and everyone I haven't known. The feeling of a community, of connections always warm my heart. I hope you understand that. But it's okay if you don't, because there are probably lots of things I don't understand about you either. And let's keep it that way.

3. Tiger's eye

I have so many plans for our future. Since the first time when I met you, probably in some corners of my mind, I've been drawing up our plan together, our imaginary home, our imaginary kids, even our imaginary pets.

Talk to me, tell me your own delusions, give me more fuel, rile up my imagination. Delusions create the world. Or so they say, or so I say. Doesn't matter. Because I'm actually nurturing these delusions of mine into reality. Just so you wait and don't act surprised when they do come true. I have the divine on my side. You can't beat it, I can't beat it. And believe me, I've tried.

I've tried to go against the nudges, the little push behind my back so many times. It usually didn't end well. I still found myself in the exact place that I needed to be, whether I wanted to or not.

Please don't misunderstand, I'm not saying this to tell you that being with you is against my will or I want to fight back our connection. I just want to explain the way I do things in general. I do bizarre things, say bizarre things sometimes, a lot of times, actually. You would think these are all jokes. They are. When you're viewed as a weirdo, it actually gives you lots of freedom to do things your way without people exclaiming disappointment or shock. What's there to be shocked and disappointed if they already viewed you as someone capable of everything, even unhinged things. This is the way I deal with the world. Quickly, so they will be out of my sight and let me focus on other important things.

For example, you, the sight of you, up close, inching ever closer, faraway, walking away but never be out of my sight. Curate an art exhibition for me. With pieces of art showing your myriad expression and sounds. Showing you in different clothes or without. I'd love to just stand there to watch and listen. Then, when I'm brave enough, I will be an art thief.

4. Carnelian

Let me tell you upfront, I'm not the kind to forgive easily. And I know with each pain I'm getting, I'm also dissing out more pain towards others and myself.

I get easily obsessed about everything, good or bad, mostly bad things. They've burnt a piece of me. I've been betrayed in the past. So many betrayals that made me angry towards the world, towards myself. I just wanted to go away. No, not to hide, but to gather my strength again and come back and confront. I used to be the one that is caught in other's claws, now I know how to catch them in my claws.

But this kind of behaviour ruined my soul. I want to sweep away all these pains and anger, to lighten my existence. It's almost a wish that I've been keeping to myself for all this time. And now you know about it too. And I'm glad that you can help me make it come true. Pull me out of this destructive cycle. Help me breathe and look for the light.

I say hurtful things sometimes, you probably will fall victim to that some day and I want to ask for your forgiveness beforehand. I let my pride get in my way a lot of times. To prove my point, to prove my worth, to prove that I'm strong, that you can't hurt me. But you can, you just choose not to. I know I'm at your mercy. This makes me uncomfortable, but it's actually not so bad. I'm getting used to it. Thanks to your humour and gentle touches. For every hurtful word of mine, you replaced it with your kiss. If I ask you to cry for my pain, will you do it, in my stead?

You sure know how to tame me, or just anyone ever met you feel the same way? Stop, I won't let myself go into that direction of thinking. Let's just focus on us. Teach me how to dismantle someone's defence like you did to me, step by step. Just so I can understand what's being done to me. I want to know everything, grab everything in my hands to understand it.

Don't worry, I won't do it to you, because you will come to me defenceless. Is that how you will win? Will I take all I can and leave you with nothing, or will I give you all and be a part of it? You decide.

Note: I usually pull one oracle card to read their energy better. With this group, three cards wanted to come out. I looked at the cards, the fish, the bear and the scorpion, then tried to put them back because that's too many. Right at the moment I put them back into the deck, I felt a sharp pain in my rib-cage for a split second, so I decided to put the three cards down and read them for this group. And guess what, a part of the stone layout does resemble the scorpion's tail.

5. Aventurine

I'm putting my best behaviour for the world to see, for you to see too. In this world of everyone fighting to get to the top, I just want to honour a softer energy. To nurture and harmonise everything, everyone. But I pursue that desire with the mentality of a soldier, a worker, diligently getting closer to my goal every day. I don't know how to do this, to be honest, I'm properly doing it wrong. Shall I just agree with everything to keep the peace, or shall I fight back?. Is it possible to honour something that I don't understand?

I have a dilemma of being a little people-pleasing. I like to hide and push my individuality to the back. Let my own compass take a back seat while letting others dictate what's good for me. I can't deny that a part of me wish for this. To let others lead me and I will do what was told. And I just want to trust you with that responsibility, putting myself into your hands.

The only thing I want to control is how I do things, those small details to get the job done. I guess I'm just overwhelmed by the large responsibility of life that I fuss about the details. When can I stop putting my mental energy into banal things and think about the bigger picture? Will I ever meet my calling, my destination?

But good news, I'm learning. Those days that I hid in my house, alone, probably did me some good. I'm learning to be with myself. So that I can be with others. You will get an early access, of course, with special service.

I'm glad that I can feel safe with you, enough to whisper in low voice about my spiritual belief. It's always there, with me, protecting me. The last thing I want is to be called strange. Especially from you, and lucky for me, you won't. You will never do that to me, that's your kindness. To other people, they can see me getting upset at our carpet being spoiled by coffee. They probably will think that I was upset because of the cost of getting it cleaned, the ruined aesthetic. But to you, you will understand the reason immediately. You will know that I believe a spirit lives in that carpet and spilling the coffee will hurt them. Keep it a secret for me, okay? Pinky promise.

6. Prehnite

The first time that we met wasn't the first time I saw you. I had seen you ways before that. I just needed time to build my strategy, to infiltrate into your life as smoothly as possible.

I was patient, time was on my side. There is no need to rush. You had your guard up and I didn't want to scare you away. Heck, I sound like a predator, circling its prey. Or maybe I was? You tell me.

But I do know that you didn't make it easy for me to approach you. I have to confess, I almost gave up. I have a habit of letting go too early. A sign of things derailing, then I will be up and going. I couldn't be bogged down by anything, or so I thought. Love was never the end goal for me. It was just a side effect. Even lust had not much meaning to me. I just sped up ahead, leaving them behind. I was pursuing total freedom. I viewed everything as an object to be studied, to extract information from, to help build my personal library. I basically lived in my head.

What's mysterious force that kept my patient in pursuing you, I don't know. Maybe you are the biggest mystery that I've yet to solve. And that thought was the beginning of my demise. At least, my old self's demise. I'm enjoying myself right now, with you.

But you also didn't make it easier when we're together. What are you? Divine punishment? It's not like I have the option to pack by bags and go back to my old way again. I've already burned the bridge leading to it. No coming back now.

You push me to the edge, and I will pull your hand with me. Let's fall together then soaring up again. When our wings are tired and broken, plunge me back to the depth, and I will show you how enticing it is to be with me down below. You're afraid, but you're also brave. I won't do something that I know you can't do or don't want to do. That's our unspoken oath.

[street-smarts00]

Drabble: Superstitious

Spencer Reid x Reader

Reader gets stressed and locks herself in the bathroom. Penelope grabs Spencer to help her calm down.

Tags: reader has anxiety, fluff

Penelope rushed to grab the hotel key from her bag and unlock the door. Once the door was open she led Spencer inside and pointed towards the bathroom.

“She’s in there.”

His head turned to the closed door with the bright cool light peering out the bottom.

Penelope fidgeted with the hotel key card in her hands. “Do you want me to give you two a minute?”

“Yes please,” he answered softly under his breath. His eyes still on the bathroom door. Penelope softly smiled at Spencer’s concern for you as she walked out of the suite. She knew of all people who could calm you down, it was him.

He lightly knocked on the door twice. “Y/N? It’s Spencer. You in there?”

After a brief pause he heard two knocks from the other side. He let out a sigh of relief at your acknowledgement.

“Can I come in?”

“No!” You abruptly pleaded. “I’m sorry. I just don’t want any bad luck.”

You tended to be a very superstitious person. So he’s not surprised you would be strict with the not seeing each other before the wedding rule. But still, he so desperately wanted to walk in and comfort you.

“It’s okay sweetheart,” he comforted. “Can you tell me what’s wrong?”

“Today,” you quietly mumbled. He wouldn’t have heard you if he said wasn’t resting his head against the door.

“So many things kept going wrong this morning. I’m so anxious Spence,” you said a bit louder this time.

“And you’re scared something bad is going to happen during the wedding?” He didn’t have to have profiling skills to know you inside and out.

He heard your shaky breath before you responded. “Yeah.”

This wasn’t the first time you spoke to him about worst case scenarios. He found himself to be your anchor, he pulled you back down to earth when your mind would go against you. When you got caught in a storm of uncertainty and fear.

He knew this wasn’t just about the wedding.

“That’s not all is it?” He pondered.

You sighed as tears threatened to spill from your eyes, “No.”

“I kinda thought spiraled and started thinking about our jobs. How scary that might be once we get married,” you tried to hide the small gasp of breath that threatened to escape your throat. Spencer still heard it as small as it was.

“What happens to people in our line of work and what happens to their spouses. I- I could never forgive myself if something happened to you.”

He wanted to bust open the door and hold you as tight as he could. Melt away all your worries.

But he understood how much these superstitions meant to you. At times when your anxiety was against you, a knock on wood or throw of salt would ease your mind. So he stayed on his side of the door, and used his words instead.

“You’re right, our job can be scary. There’s gonna be bad days and there’s gonna be even worse ones. But through all the bad I will always be here with you, even when you can’t see me,” he smiles and lightly taps his knuckles on the door.

A small laugh escapes you at his actions. He loved the sound of your laugh. He could get drunk off that sound.

“I will never stop fighting for you and I will never stop loving you. I want to go through all those bad days with you as your husband.”

“We can’t let the fear of what could happen, stop us from being happy.”

A stray tear makes its way down your cheek, “If that is what you say to cheer me up, then I think your vows are going to ruin my makeup.”

Spencer chuckles with a bright smile on his face. After a moment of yours and his quiet laughter he gets an idea.

“Stand behind the door,” he calmly orders.

“Why?”

“I want to hold your hand but not break tradition.”

Your lips parted and eyes widened. No matter how long you knew him he could still give you butterflies from being so adorable.

Spencer heard you shuffle closer to the edge of the door and slowly turned the handle. He pushed the door open just enough to reach his hand out making sure to look away from the door.

Suddenly he felt your hand intertwine with his. The action practically made him melt. When he started rubbing his thumb against your hand, he was met with a gentle squeeze from you.

[ambrosiagourmet]

Did Laios have a plan

... when he made his deal with the Lion? How much of it was intentional and how much of it was out of his control?

Well. If I'm being honest I don't really want to try and provide a definitive answer to that question, because I think the ambiguity is, itself, part of the story. I've gone back and forth a few times myself, and I don't think either category - "fully intentional" or "fully coincidence" - is entirely true.

That being said, I would like to point out a few things that I've seen taken for granted as true. Things that, imo, are much more about the character's perspective, or about what the character WANTS people to think (well, that's really just the Winged Lion).

Consider this not exactly an argument for "Laios masterminded everything from the start and saved the world with his cunning," but more... "Laios considered what he was doing more than people give him credit for." Make sense?

Alright then, let's go:

So to start with, I want to show every time (that I could find, at least) that the question of 'does Laios have a plan' gets brought up. This is specifically after his Ultimate Monster Form is revealed, to be clear - the question isn't about if he has a plan in general, it is if he has/had a plan when he made this specific deal with the Lion.

Here they are:

-

-

You'll notice, in all of these instances, there never really is an answer given to the question. Either because there is no way to get one, or, with Kabru at the end there, because he explicitly doesn't let Laios answer. There's even a bit of an arc here: we start with a sort of desperate 'I've mostly given up but maybe this isn't as bad as it looks,' then get a more optimistic 'maybe we really are saved,' and finally end on 'it all worked out in the end, so we maybe don't need to know.'

But, as much as there is some genuine growth in Kabru's 'accept the outcome, rather than dissecting the truth,' I also think it says a lot more about him than about Laios. Kabru is the one trying to handle his questions and his uncertainty - as he said, he wants to confirm his judgement of character. He wants to feel like he had control over things.

And he lets that go! But he also doesn't actually get the truth, either, and his implied assumption here (that Laios, the wide-eyed monster-lover, probably just followed his desires), still relies on his judgements and assumptions about Laios.

But okay, these bits are all focused on the characters theorizing about Laios. How about we look at the character who actually tells us the facts ("facts"): the Winged Lion.

The Winged Lion has quite a bit to say about Laios and his monster form.

He says that Laios hates humanity, and would rather be a monster

I've talked about this a bit already, but the Lion makes a lot of claims and assumptions about Laios that aren't necessarily true.

First of all, let's just make sure we clearly establish that the Lion is being manipulative here. That may seem obvious, but it's important to understand that there is a difference between 'the truth' and 'a version of the truth specifically framed to prey upon your deepest shame and insecurities about what you really want.'

To point out a few quick-and-dirty contradictions here:

If Laios really hated all other humans, then the Lion wouldn't hinge so many of his other arguments on Laios' love for Falin and his friends.

the Lion claims that Laios "[doesn't] even care enough about the future of [the] world to express an opinion about it," even though Laios has literally expressed opinions on what he wants for the world, to the Lion's face.

In general, the Lion does not make a distinction between urges and choices (see, for instance: him using Marcille's subconscious fear of the canaries as a way to keep her from stopping the monsters from attacking in chapter 86).

I'm not saying there is not a piece of truth here, but also... we are not our darkest thoughts, and we especially are not those thoughts as defined by someone who wants to hurt and control us.

But let’s move on to the stuff the Lion claims about Laios once he has been turned into his monster form.

2. He says that (or rather, acts like) Laios is under his control

The Lion really enjoys grandstanding about how Monster Laios is an ultimate tool he has control over. He gloats about making Laios fight the others, and has him smash through the magical barrier.

But smashing the barrier is kinda the only thing that Monster Laios actually does for the Lion. He doesn't attack anyone. He doesn't hurt his friends, despite Chilchuck thinking that Laios has "turned completely into a monster." And he certainly doesn't simply let the Lion go through with his plan to eat everyone.

This barrier smashing is actually an interesting and odd thing for Laios to have done specifically, so remember that one. I'll come back to it later.

But, yeah, to the original point... despite the Lion's dramatics, all that Monster Laios does is pose, smash up a magic barrier, and then eat him. Not exactly under his control.

AND SPEAKING OF EATING THE DEMON...

3. He frames Laios attacking and eating him as thoughtlessly violent

This one is pretty funny to me, and the Lion keeps it up for the whole scene. I'm not sure how much of this is his genuine understanding of the situation, and how much is him intentionally framing things in the most insulting manner, but like... truly. The ego involved in this. To see someone who has, multiple times, tried to stand against you - someone who has literally wished for your non-existence, to your face - to see this person attack you, specifically, and have your first reaction be 'huh, I guess he's a reckless weirdo to the core???'

Incredible stuff.

And this part, too:

He claims that Laios can't recognize anyone, that he's out of control. And yet, the Lion is the only person that gets eaten here. He is Laios' singular target.

Hell, Laios even specifically attacks one of the bodies that is actively hurting Chilchuck. I don't know if that was entirely intentional on Laios' part, but I do think it's notable.

The Lion torments Laios' friend, and when Laios does something that interrupts that action, the Lion reframes it as unhinged violence. I don't know, there's something here about the way that cruel people only talk about the things people do to resist them as violent, and ignore the violence that causes such resistance in the first place.

In any case, the main point is that the Lion insists on treating Laios like an unthinking animal during this fight, despite the fact that Laios is clearly trying to accomplish something here.

And what exactly is Laios trying to accomplish? Well, the Lion isn't entirely wrong. Laios is trying to eat something. He tells us as much.

And truly, everything Laios does as a monster points to this. He had a goal. And he accomplished it.

Let me back up a moment. I need to explain smashing the barrier.

So, Laios first starts considering how to kill the Lion when he is confronted with the fact that his only other choice would be to kill Marcille. Immediately and entirely discarding that solution, because of course he does, he tries to wrap his head around what defeating the Lion would even look like.

He clearly continues thinking about this, as a nearly identical conversation happens a few chapters later, when Laios is once again told that killing Marcille is the only way forward.

Only, this time, he's started to come up with an idea for how to do this impossible thing.

Harkening all the way back to the Living Armor chapter, Laios draws on the same lesson - if the Lion has made itself part of the world, if it has made itself into something alive, that means he can kill it. And eat it.

But there's an important extra detail to this. If he's going to try and kill (and eat) the Lion, he needs to strike when it’s vulnerable. He needs to strike when it's eating.

This is why he smashes through the barrier. Again, nothing else he does as a monster really benefits the Lion. He doesn't attack anyone else. The only command he obeys is to smash the barrier. Because the Lion has to think he has won for Laios to be able to eat him.

Beat him. For Laios to be able to beat him.

The question of why Monster Laios wanted to eat the Lion is, I think, the most ambiguous part. Was he curious? Hungry? Did he fight for his own life, for his friends, or for all of humanity? Did he know how to win because he had planned everything from the start, or because he was driven by an unquenchable instinct to do whatever it took to survive?

I don't know that it is possible to say for sure. But I do know that the Lion underestimates Laios, through it all. He underestimates Laios as a human, and he underestimates Laios as a monster.

And in the end, after he is bested, even then I don't think the Lion ever gets Laios. I don't think he understands how much Laios means his words about the Lion being burdened by hunger...

or what Laios cares about most...

or what meaning there is in life, for him.

So I don't buy what the Lion is selling about Laios, generally speaking. I don't buy that Laios didn't ever know what he was doing, and I don't buy that he was nothing more than a hungry beast.

Well. I mean. He was a hungry beast. But he was a more than that too. He was the Devourer of All Things Horrible. And he didn't just happen into that title by chance.

[simp4konig]

"You drive me crazy."

Obsessed! Nikto x Reader

Word count: 2472

Nikto's POV! Sporadic uses of "Y/N" — otherwise, reader is referred as "You".

To say that Nikto is obsessed with you would be an understatement 😵‍💫...

Nikto's psychological state gradually deteriorates as you read!

Google Translate Russian lmao 💀,, please forgive any errors! 😟

Edit: Realising that this fic is darker than my usual works. Warning my readers for darker content!

Edit 2: Added the appropriate "dark content" tags. <3

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I'm crazy: I don't think I needed to say, yes?

I know it. We know it. Everyone else knows it.

I've lost my mind long ago. We're losing it as we speak. I've lost myself long ago and I have not known what to do with ourselves.

Of course, not all was lost. I was cleared for service. I can approach situations without hesitation or uncertainty — but most importantly, kill methodically.

All I need are targets. Just give me targets. Nothing else matters. Nobody.

But I found you. I found you. And you found us. Although there was nothing to find, you found us.

How? It's a mystery. An enigma. An unsolvable puzzle.

My name is Igor. Igor Vasilyevich Yurievich.

Игорь. Igor. I—gor. Two syllables. Four letters, in English. A not so common name in Russia, according to the statistics: in 1991 — the year of my birth — approximately 37 baby boys born were named as such. In 2021, only 17 baby boys born were named Igor. I would assume the number declines each year — maybe less than a dozen Igors were christened this year. Or a single digit. Nine. Eight. Seven. Or even less than five.

October 13, 1991 was my exact date of birth. I was born in Novgorod, when Russia was still the Soviet Union. I had parents. A sister…

…Yet that means nothing to me.

Igor Vasilyevich Yurievich? That is foreign. That is not anyone that I know of. I am Nikto. I am no one. Nobody to know, yet somebody that I know of. Not this… Igor. I am nobody. Никто.

When the voices are quiet, that's when I can silently mourn the man that I once was.

Though, can you mourn someone whom you don't know? Can you mourn the faceless person in the casket, whose face is unrecognisable? Can you mourn at a funeral that no one attended, and hadn't taken process?

I'm crazy: I don't think I needed to repeat it, yes?

I knew it. We knew it. Everyone else knew it.

But you didn't. You. You.

You… remind me of someone.

They're dead now.

They were just a target. Too bad I can't remember who they were.

But you're not. You're more than a target.

You treated me with kindness when everyone avoided me like the bubonic plague. A Black Death following the death of the former Igor Vasilyevich Yurievich and the black, black blackness lingering — a reminder. But not anything that allows us to remember, or reminds us of who we once were.

I don't remember anything. I don't remember anyone. Photographs of my family before the torture are irrelevant. Documents stamping my existence could just as easily make us inexistent. Nobody exists any more aside from Nikto.

A cacophony of voices has infiltrated my brain. Our brain. We will never be me anymore. We are who we are now.

I am a broken man. I hear the voices of many men, who won't let me sleep, won't leave me be, won't give me peace. I was one of those men. Maybe all of the men are me?

But if all of them are me, and I am all of them, then who are we? What are we?

Then again… who I am is nothing. What I are is everything. What we are — crazy.

The pieces of the puzzle aren't fully there. Surely you must have been aware, my treasure?

You were doing your due diligence to arrange the puzzle pieces, so meticulously and with dedication, devoting hours of your time and wishing for the finished product to be cohesive, but you won't find that within us. How unfortunate.

Some of the pieces are missing. Some of them don't even fit. What you're left with is an incomplete picture — one which will never be completed.

No matter. You can be the missing puzzle piece, yes?

My fellow operatives named me Никто — “Nikto”, meaning “Nobody” or “No-one” in Russian — for… what did they say? My “uncanny ability to replicate other people and hide [my] true identity”? Ironic — seeing as replicating an identity is not the same as claiming your own, and being an individual. Having an actual identity, as opposed to being forced to think that being nobody can suffice.

Funny. I was apparently religious before all of this.

Have you heard of Orthodox Christianity? It's a branch of Christianity most often practised in Eastern Europe, in case you weren't aware. Orthodox Christians believe that Jesus redeemed humanity by sacrificing himself through crucifixion — unlike Catholics, who believe that Jesus sacrificing himself through crucifixion was all in an effort to redeem humanity.

Perhaps I was an altar boy in my childhood. Or wore a cross around my neck. Maybe I was devoted, and prayed in the morning, before a meal for grace, in the night, before a mission for mercy, during a mission out of desperation, and after a mission as gratitude.

Such bullshit.

Obviously, God doesn't exist — not in the ethereal, omniscient sense.

Oh no.

The God is You. You are my God.

Just like with Orthodox Christianity, and the salvation of humanity after the sacrifice of Jesus, your presence, your mere existence, was salvation. You brought redemption unto us.

Of course, following my torture, God became an abstract concept. How could the Holy Father abandon me? How could my prayers after the tortue be so wilfully ignored? Why would he actively play a passive role in my damnation, as I'm burned, as I'm beaten, as I'm bruised, abused, cut, and mutilated?

No one was born a sinner. Not even me, this nobody. So what kind of retribution was this — a disfigured face, ruined body, and voices which infiltrated my psyche, words equivalent to the evil of the Antichrist?

But You? You made it worthwhile. Your kindness. Compassion. Charity. It was all worthwhile. Even to gaze at You from afar.

Well.

For the most part.

We have repented for our sins: stealing Your dirty laundry, Your hairbrush, Your t-shirts, and other trinkets which we deem Holy Relics; using Your lip balm without permission, You none the wiser; committing sinful acts in the comfort of your own bedroom, only for You to return, oblivious. We apologise for that nagging paranoia, demanding You to turn around, to catch a glimpse of the eyes staring at You, but You not noticing us when we were camouflaged in the shadows. For stalking You and learning Your schedule. For hacking into all of Your devices and acquiring every little piece of information available from Your digital footprints.

But, You forgive us, yes?

Don't look so horrified, dushka. We left no trace, yes? No evidence. You said You have forgiven all of our transgressions. Think of this as a confession, nothing more. Besides, we never tampered with You belongings. They're all still with us. Just like you will.

You are our oxygen. Without You, we can't breathe. Our lungs suffocate without Your natural scent to fill them, to keep us alive. Our eyes go blind with time without the sight of Your face, Your body. We can't hear anything other than Your voice — our ears tune out any frequencies and wavelengths that don't leave those pretty little lips, yet wage civil war amongst ourselves, spitting curses that cut like knives and pierce like bullets. And Your lips. And Your eyes. And Your eyebrows, hair, hands, neck, God — everything.

You won't abandon us, yes? You wouldn't abandon us, would you, мое сокровище? You are our treasure. I treasure you — all of us do: your pretty little lips, that speak in the softest of tones to us; those eyes that stare in slight fright, yet crinkle in as genuine of a smile as you can manage; those eyebrows that furrow over your bright eyes in the subtlest of frowns, in sorrow or frustration, maybe vexation — and that's just your face. What about your hair? Your hands? Your neck? Your body? What is there not to treasure?

Боже мой, Bozhe moy, my God. Oh God, it's as if an angel has descended and granted us salvation, a merciful deity absolving us of our sins and cleansing our soul. And both the angel and deity are You — working in perfect sync, so benevolent and forgiving, taking pity on a creature so pitiful, so ruined, so unfixable.

We can't remember what some of those was.

Those puzzle pieces, of course.

Zakhaev’s torture stole some of the pieces to the jigsaw, and the puzzle won't ever be solved. We ourselves interrogate, torture, eliminate, kill. Sometimes we dissociate. Other times I am completely in control. Yet all the time, we are committing sins, sins, sins.

And You forgive them. Forgive us.

Every prayer is us praying for you, to you, about you. And each one concludes with your sacred name, whispered in hushed tones as the syllables are too precious to utter out loud.

Poor, poor thing. You probably didn't even know what you were signing up for, did you? You probably intended to be charitable. Sympathetic. And you were, sweet one.

But you were naive to have assumed that we wouldn't become possessive of you like an unwanted stay mutt of its only bone. So innocent — perhaps stupid — but we like to think that you were misguided in your intentions, yet guided by some God.

An ignorant God? If You're the God to worship, then are You an ignorant one? An innocent, naive, and unconditionally loving one? Yet, one that, despite Their obliviousness, can knowingly soothe with a simple string of words? With a caress?

What an oxymoron. It suits You. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Aw. Are those tears, dushka? Let's wipe them, hmm? Kiss it better, yes? You will like our lips on you.

Don't scream. Don't hurt those vocal cords. We like the sound of your voice. We want you to talk.

There there, little one. You look beautiful when you cry, but you look most beautiful when you're smiling. Smile, hm? Do it for us. Your Nikto.

You don't have to be afraid, you know. Don't be afraid, krasotka. We love you.

Here, put your hand on our chest. Feel how our heart is beating? It beats only for you.

Our abdomen, our stomach. You feel how toned that is, yes? You feel the muscle?

What about our biceps? The strength in our forearms? They're all for you. We're all yours, yours yours yours.

Our blood looks good on you, dushka. The blood really accentuates your nails. But please, stop. Stop.

You don't have to scratch us, or scream. You know that none of that will change anything. You know that we will love you, even if you tell us you hate us. It's too late.

Get used to touching us, yes? What's left of us, anyways. Yes, our body won't be the most appealing, or the handsomest, but it's all for you. Every inch. All for you — just like how you are all ours.

You're ours, just as much as we belong to you. You could stab us with a knife and we'd smile. You could shoot us with a gun point-blank in the head and we'd thank you. What an honour it would be to live with you by your side, or die by your side. We're a dead man either way. Your dead man. Your Nikto.

You underestimated my capacity for violence. Or were perhaps too naive to understand it.

That's okay. Put your hand on my face. Just like that. See? Nothing to fear. It's just us. Your Nikto.

I can feel it shaking. Why do you shake so much, hm? Don't be afraid. There's nothing to be afraid of. You should know there's nothing to be afraid of. After all, you were fearless when it came to speaking to me, and weren't afraid to reach out to us. Surely you don't want to abandon us now?

That's too bad. You won't abandon us. We won't let you.

I'm crazy: I don't think I need to repeat it, yes?

I know it. We know it. Everyone else knows it.

You drive me crazy.

You drive me crazy.

You drive me crazy.

So crazy.

So, so crazy.

I am already crazy yes but it is You who drives me to insanity do You know that? Why do You deny? Do not deny us this yes? Yes You do know that it is You who makes me mad beyond return of course You do You've always known it and You know it now little one You're just pretending feigning ignorance with surprise in Your eyes. Why pretend that it was all a pretense? Your kindness? Your sympathy? Your company? It was not pretense to us no it was everything. Everything we could have hoped for prayed for and lived for.

You drive me crazy.

You drive me crazy.

You drive me crazy.

So crazy.

So, so crazy, baby.

Craaazyyy. Crazy crazy crazy!

You have made us the craziest we have ever been from the moment we met Your eyes and will be forever driven crazier with Your around from the day You die. And that won't be anytime now, my treasure. We will treasure You, take care of You, keep You safe. You will want for nothing, we can assure You — nothing, nobody, no one. Only Nikto. Nobody will ever look at You, as their eyeballs will be gouged out for having the audacity to spare a glance at the pinnacle of perfection. And nobody will ever want You, nobody will taint that precious skin with unworthy fingers, as anyone who tries will have them broken have their bones crushed to dust their skin muscles and tendons ripped to ribbons until there is no body left.

Nobody will ever look at You. Only Nikto. Us. Forever, and ever, and ever and ever and ever we will have our eyes on You until our retinas dissolve and our pupils can no longer absorb light and we become blind and crippled, crying, crying crying crying for You, crying only for You. You crying out for us until Your voice is hoarse from moaning, until our name becomes a prayer just as much as Yours is to us.

We love You. Think of nobody. Only Nikto. Only of Nikto. Only for and against Nikto. We will live for You. We do already, do you understand? We're yours. Yours. Yours yours yours yours yours yours to have yours to hit yours to scratch with those nails yours to scream at yours yours yours yours yours. Yours. Yours! Yours!

Yours!

Y/N.

I'm crazy: I don't think I needed to say, yes?

I know it. We know it. Everyone else knows it. You should have known it.

And if you didn't know it, then You will know it.

Because You drive me crazy.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

A/Ns

Really really really Really REALLY had doubts about posting this and thought that no one would like it. I felt inspired and happy and proud of myself when I was almost finished but it took me days to conclude the work since I was second-guessing whether or not I should post this after all. Kind of embarrassed, in all honesty, but I decided to post it in the end since I quite like it. :'>

I just wanted to highlight your, @//connorsui, lovely, lovely words when you reblogged my last Nikto post 😭😭😭💘💘💘. To receive not only some compliments, but your thoughts on my headcanons AND analysis *AND* your evaluation of my post was so, SO heartwarming to wake up to in the morning 🥹🥹🥹💓💓💓, especially when it was so long!!! Like, what?!! 😢😢😢😢😢😿😿😿😿😿😭😭😭😭😭💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💖💖💖💖💖✨✨✨✨✨

Thank you so so so SO much for your positive feedback !!! I've read it over four times by now. O really appreciated and still appreciate it. ☺️💞🫶💖✨✨💕💕

(I also want to kiss Nikto's scarred face ☹️☹️☹️ just wordless acts of intimacy where words aren't necessary and just to show the man some affection, regardless of how he looks 😟💝 need that ugly traumatised Russian man SO BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭)

Inspiration for this gained from:

thisvvv song!!! and Chapter 7 in Metro 2035 lol,, when Artyom was drunk and disorientated I thought it was written really REALLY well and I wanted to incorporate his meaningless drivel into this.

Nikto's voicelines and his various voices/sporadic changes in character

the Fandom Wiki

my own headcanons lol 😋

From fluff this whatever the fuck this is!!!!!!!!!! Hope you enjoyed 💗💗

[solar4seekstron]

(Requested) TFOne!Sentinel x Model!GN!Cogged!Cybertronian!Reader Oneshot: I Wasn’t Offering Part 1

Part 2

TW/Tags: possessiveness, forced relationship, trapped, cogged!reader, scary Sentinel.

You were a model. Performing for many higher ups and showing off new paint jobs and polish. Posing for the media and data pad magazines.

This was something you did in order to make enough to get more energon and treats for the miners who work tirelessly for the city. Always bringing them plenty of energon and treats that they worked for.

You were good pals and on good terms mostly with the miners Elita, Orion, and D-16, who you saw every day after a day of work. One day.

On a very special night you were modeling for a live singers even of Iacon and were to pose as one of the primes. You being Prima. After the show you were still covered in gold Cybertronian jewelry and the paint of gold and white on your frame.

As well as the face make up.

You honestly loved the look. You wont lie. As you made it to your dressing room with a few others. You manager was the one to tell you you had a special visitor. And so as you made your way.

You realized you were headed to a room for VIPs who speak to the singers and dancers.

A place to hang out. You though the singer wanted to speak with you or something.

But as you made your way too the room and opened the door. You saw that it was just Sentinel there. He was laid back against the sofa as the room played soft music.

His arms placed on the top of the sofa as his cervos hang. His legs spread as he sat there without a care. At this point you had the make up of but the jewelery was still on. The singer letting you and the other models keep them as a gift.

You walked in as he then noticed you. Not sitting up but his usual smile to the city soon appearing. “Ah Y/N! The Model of Iacon! Glad to finally meet you sweetspark.”

You chuckled a bit at his words once he said “sweetspark”.

You’d stand there putting your cervos behind your back as you looked at him. “Is there something you needed Sentinel Prime?” Your voice was soft.

”Ah just Sentinel is fine babe. Now why don’t you take a seat.” He gestured to the seat next to him. But you pretended to not notice. Turning your head soon and sitting in the sofa across from him. He lost his smile for a moment and his eyes narrowed.

But it wasn’t like that before he went back to smiling. He’d then stand up and walk over to you. “You know I’ve always enjoyed your work as a model. Seeing that you’re always so well fit and such.” He chuckled.

You did the same. Flattered by his compliments as your cervos rest on your lap, as he stands before you. His cervo then gently holds your chin. “That jewelry is a cheap…..”

His helm then leaned down closer to yours as he examined them then look back at you optics to optics.

”Let me get you better ones.” You only stared at him. Uncertainty in your optics as the cervo once holding your chin then moved to the neck less laying against your chest. Gently rubbing it between his digits. “Tell me.”

His voice was low as he spoke. The same cervo moving down before holding your waist.

”How would you like to be more in the city of Iacon.”

His cervo gently pulls you a bit closer to your frame. “And be seen by my side.”

He whispered into your audio sensors. You froze for a moment. You had many other higher up femmes and mechs. Bigger and smaller then you give you the offer but that wouldn’t always land long and would go to the next hot topic in the city.

You gently set your cervos against his chest. He looked a bit confused for a moment before you spoke.

“Sorry..Sentinel. But.” You stood up creating some distance between you two. As you spoke.

”I made a promise to myself when gaining my ‘populatiry’ I would only do it to help those who want to do better on my people and the miners who work hard for us everyday. And I wont just ‘join’ anyone who just wishes to use me for status and looks like some eye candy.”

As you spoke his optics were narrow and he only sighed and took a step. He then let out a deep chuckle. “Goodness no my dear. I have no intentions of keeping you only for a few days or anything….”

His frame almost touches yours. His optics narrowed as you stared up at him.

”When I say I’ve been watching you…I mean.” Both of his cervos gently grab your waist keeping you still. “I want a model of Iacon to be…mine.” He said in an almost sinister way.

“I have seen you. Been watching you. Always taking care of my miners everyday after you work. And not to mention how hard you try to stay the way you look. I’ll admit I have a crush on you. And so.”

He then sat down pulling you onto his lap. Only sitting on one of his thighs as he then picks up an energon drink that was on the table. Your cervos on his shoulder and chest as he took a sip of his drink. Then looked back at you. “Why don’t you be a good bot and accept my offer hm?

You can live like a true ruler on my side. And continue to help your mining friends…”

You stay quiet for a moment before speaking. “And if I refuse?”

He said in a low voice once more. You only looked at him unsure. He can tell and brought your leg up moving it around his waist as he stared at you. Now fully on his lap as his cervos remain on your aft. Your cervos still in place.

”I’m afraid what I said wasn’t a request.” He said in a threatening way. His cervos grip tightens as he rests a kiss on your chest after leaning forward.

You were frozen.

Even as you lightly push against his shoulder and chest it get up. His grip only got more tighter and tighter. “I wouldn’t try it. You see sweetsaprk when I want something I expect it to be mine in less then a second. So….be a good bot….will you?” His optics looking up at you. Almost narrowed.

You knew he was threatening up. In his own way. You could only stare down at him. Did you really have a choice now? You were…shaking..Just by the look of his optics you know he’s mad.

”Shh shh shh sweetspark no need to be scared..” One of his cervos move from your aft to the tip on your thigh. Gently squeezing.

”You just have to say yes…and…Non of your mining friends have to get hurt….” You two stay still for a moment. You looked down thinking. Your cervos moving to your own lap as you grow unsure. Against your better judgment….You agreed…

The image of those miners like Elita, D, and Orion coming to mind. You’d slowly nod. Still looking down.

”Look at me.” He spoke. And so you looked at him. Your optics sad and his cervos don’t move. His optics narrow still. “Now my partner isnt sad…You always have a smile when you’re with me and….by my side.”

He places another kiss on your shoulder and the side of your neck a few times. “Now be good for me and open that chest plate of yours..”

You held in your tears. How did things move so fast for you? Slowly your chest plate opened showing your spark. He’d then open his. His cervo once on your thigh moving to your upper back. gently pressing your chest against his. You then felt a rush. Your spark connecting with his.

He’d then press his dermas against yours. The kiss was hungry and yeet still full of….love?…. You didn’t return the kiss. But he didn’t seem to care.

The kiss continued. All you can hear is the soft music and the kisses he exchanged against your dermas. Keeping your frame against his as he continued. The spark bond was completed and he leaned back with a sigh. Glad to finally have what he’s been craving for so long.

He’d then resume, kissing your neck and chest. Ignoring the jewelry as his cervos explore your frame. Your own on his shoulders. Trying to not let out a few soft moans as he assaults your frame.

He’d then pause looking at you with his optics full of lust.

“Such a good Conjunx. You're going to make everyone…and Me very, very…Happy.”

This one I was pretty excited to write about and I swear all I can hear his voice in my head when write him lmao. The writer I wasn’t fully sure what to do with at first ‘cause I don’t know if models even exist in Cybertron. But hey I hope you all enjoy non the less and hope you all have a good rest of your day.

As always, a repost is appreciated.

[kp-alice]

Prove Her Wrong

Summary: Yunho knew that what that stranger had said to him back then wasn't true. He quite literally had physical evidence to prove it. And yet, he couldn't help but think about her comment a little too often.

AKA a well-endowed-and-very-desperate!sub!Yunho x bored!dom!f!reader

Word count: 3 820

Warnings: small-dick humiliation, roleplaying (reader pretends to be bored and unsatisfied), degradation (but no name-calling), mid-scene checking in, just another case of me writing about pathetic Yunho because I can't help myself and definitely have issues

A/N: This fic is the third part of my sub!Yunho Kinktober 2024! The event's masterlist can be found here.

"...and then she told me 'I have no right to act like an overcompensating asshole just because my dick is small'."

"Ouch," you hissed empathetically. "Yeah, I can definitely see how that would hurt for a while, even if she was totally wrong."

"That's uh, that's the thing," Yunho retorted nervously, shifting in his spot, "I kinda, well, liked it? I guess? Like- not because of her saying it, but because of what she said, you know?"

The silence between the two of you stretched to an uncomfortable degree, making Yunho chuckle nervously. "It's not too weird, is it?"

"Hmm, no, it's definitely weird," you concluded at last, eyebrows furrowed.

"...But I'd love to learn more about it."

"Wait," you said, sitting up straight on the couch, "so I'm supposed to have sex with you, but like, act like your dick is small and it's not doing anything for me?"

Yunho's blush deepened at your words, curling into himself even further. "I mean, when you put it like that, it does sound really weird, I'm sorry."

"No, honey," you said, leaning over to place a comforting hand on his thigh, "I wasn't saying it to make fun of you, I just want to make sure I understand it all correctly so that I don't mess up when we eventually try it."

"We seriously don't have to, though," Yunho opposed, starting to backtrack now that the nerves had caught up to him again. "It really is quite odd, and the last thing I want to do is push your boundaries just to please me and my weird kinks."

You sighed. This wasn't the first time Yunho had gotten like this when it came to talking about his needs and wants. No matter how many times you'd try to reassure him that it's fine to ask for things, it always took just a short moment of uncertainty for him to begin retracting back into his shell. "Yu, I've already told you that I'm completely fine with trying it. Sure, it's not something I'd personally bring up, but I'm not opposed to it either. Who knows, maybe I'll also end up liking it? Either way, I'm really not pushing myself to do anything, nor am I planning to do so. Just trust me, okay?"

"Okay," Yunho finally conceded, giving you a small smile. His hand found yours on his thigh, grasping it gently. "Thank you."

"Anytime, love," you smiled back, rubbing your thumb against the back of his hand. "Now, how about you elaborate on your little fantasy a bit more, hm? I need to know all of what I'm going to do to you."

A shiver ran down Yunho's spine at the words, visible excitement lighting up his eyes.

"Oh, we're going to be here a while."

After an open conversation or two with your boyfriend, you were finally ready to indulge him.

Yunho didn't want to set a specific date, though, feeling as though it would make the scene too staged and unnatural. So, instead, the two of you decided to just wait and use a non-verbal signal. If Yunho were to initiate sex while wearing a specific small blue bracelet, it was your sign to start the play if you felt up for it.

There were a couple false alarms of sorts, where Yunho would wear the bracelet the whole day, but would never actually gather the courage to initiate. You knew this was something that might happen, and yet you couldn't help the small twinge of disappointment whenever you went to bed with nothing from his side. You also suspect he might have worn it at least once just to tease you, but you didn't dare ask.

Then, it was your turn to decline a couple times. It wasn't payback for Yunho's nervousness in any way, obviously. It just so happened that the first two times when he'd tried to finally initiate, you were either not in the mood in general, or were up for something more soft and loving. And just as you had with him before, Yunho also completely understood your preferences, boundaries, and pace.

But then, one fateful night, things were finally put into motion.

You were lounging on the couch, watching TV while mindlessly scrolling on your phone. Yunho wasn't home yet, having to stay at work longer than expected today. You wouldn't have to wait much more, however, as you heard the front door opening just a few moments later.

Already from the sound of his heavy footsteps trudging down the hallway, you could tell he was tired. Then, a small thud resonated through the living room, making you sit up and look behind you.

There, Yunho slouched against the doorway, pouty and puppy-eyed. His hair was disheveled, likely from running his hands through it countless times from all the extra stress today.

"Hey there, love," you said warmly, turning his pout into a small smile.

"Hey," he replied sluggishly before pushing himself upright again to take off his jacket.

Which, to your surprise, revealed the blue bracelet.

If Yunho noticed the interested twinkle in your eyes, he didn't show it. Instead, he turned around, walking back to the front door to hang his jacket up next to yours. Afterwards, he wordlessly disappeared into the bathroom, likely to freshen up a bit after the awfully long day.

"Are you hungry?" You asked, watching him walk back into the room a few minutes later. "There's some leftovers from dinner if you want."

Yunho just hummed in disagreement, the pout from before returning to his lips. "'m not hungry."

"What can I do for you, then? What do you need?" You questioned further, scooting back to give him some room to sit down.

To your surprise (not really), he ignored the space you'd made for him, choosing to dive right into your arms instead. You huffed as he lay down on top of you, burying his face in your chest and wrapping his arms around you.

"You," he finally muttered, squeezing you just a bit tighter in his hold.

"Me? What do you mean?" You asked back, pretending like you couldn't already feel the slightest pressure against your thigh. Did he really rile himself up just thinking about his fantasy on the way home?

"Babe, please," he pleaded, an embarrassed whine to his voice, "you know what I mean."

Usually, you'd be satisfied with just a bit of teasing. A moment of playfulness before you'd get to the main event. But today? Today you wanted- no, needed, to truly savor the moment, both for your and Yunho's sake.

"I really don't, honey," you feigned ignorance, running your fingers through his hair with a mischievous smile on your face. "I'm afraid you're gonna have to tell me yourself."

And judging by the deep red visible on his cheeks even with his face hidden, you knew it was working for him as well.

"I just- I really need you right now," Yunho said, voice already wavering from the delicious anxiousness of being so small before you. "Y-you know, like, to be... inside you."

You chuckled at that, jostling your boyfriend's head a bit with the movement. "Ah, of course. It hasn't even been two days since you've last gotten off and you already wanna go again, huh?"

Yunho just meekly nodded, trying to bury his head further into you.

"I mean, I don't blame you, honey, but what's in it for me?"

Your question wasn't too direct just yet, still giving him some leeway to stop in case he felt uncomfortable or not ready.

But, much to your amusement, Yunho made no such attempt.

"Oh! W-well, I'll make you feel good too, obviously!" He promised, lifting his head up to look at you with hopeful eyes. "I always do."

You let out a loud laugh at that, making his face twist in confusion. "What?! You can't be serious right now."

"Wait, what do you mean?" Yunho asked in a shaky, uncertain voice, but the twitch against your thigh betrayed his real feelings.

"You seriously think fucking that small dick of yours is doing anything for me?" You ridiculed him, eyes wide in disbelief. "Why do you think I always ask you to eat me out after you're done? Even that tongue of yours feels bigger in me."

Truth be told, it wasn't you who usually asked for oral. Whether during, before, or after having "proper" sex, it was mainly Yunho who'd turn to you with hopeful eyes and an eager smile. But there's nothing wrong with a bit of fact-twisting for the sake of roleplay, right?

Your slight uncertainty was immediately solved with a choked moan from Yunho, along with a stuttered thrust against your leg. You could feel all of him through his pants now, dragging up and down your thigh with just enough pressure.

"P-please, babe," Yunho began again, gaze blurring into something more distant yet content. "I'll do anything to please you afterwards, but I'm so hard I don't think I can wait any longer."

"Wait," you said in fake awe, "you're hard right now? I can't even feel you against me! Are you sure you can actually stay inside with that?"

"Fuck," Yunho whimpered at your words, brows tightly knit together, "you're way too good at this."

You chuckled at his admission, breaking your mocking persona for a moment. "I'm glad you think so, hun." Lifting a hand to caress his cheek, you made him look into your eyes. "You're still okay with all of this, right?"

Yunho immediately nodded at your question, eager to reassure you. "Yes, please. This is better than anything I've ever imagined."

Feeling an almost embarrassing level of pride at the praise, you resumed your role with newfound excitement.

"You know what?" You spoke up again, challenging him with your unwavering stare. "I'll let you have your fun."

Yunho didn't need anything beyond that, diving into the crook of your neck the second you finished your sentence. You couldn't help the gasp leaving your lips at the sensation, Yunho's precision at finding your sweet spot catching you way too off-guard.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you," Yunho muttered lovingly, letting his hands roam free alongside your curves while he rutted against your thigh again.

His movements were halted, however, when a sharp sting shot up his scalp from where your fingers tugged at his hair, pulling him away from your neck.

"But," you continued, suppressing a mean smile, "you have to make me cum first, since you're so confident in your abilities."

You could see all the eagerness fall from Yunho's face and morph into a look of nervousness and uncertainty. Normally, Yunho would have no problem making you cum whichever way you wanted, but now, he knew it wouldn't be so easy. Your eyes screamed determination, excited to see him slip up and embarrass himself even further.

"I- I, uh- yeah! Sure, of course," Yunho finally replied, though the confident facade he tried to put on broke rather quickly.

You sighed, feigning complete disinterest as if you already knew what the outcome would be anyway. "Fine, go ahead then. Let's see how much magic you can conjure up with that tiny dick."

The two seconds of silence that followed after your sentence were broken by a chuckle from Yunho, making you join in as well.

"I'm sorry," he said, "I know that was supposed to be hot - and it was, but it was also pretty funny."

"Shut up," you retorted, annoyed, though you couldn't hide your own amusement. Fighting back the shy blush on your cheeks, you continued, "and get back to work. You have a lot to prove right now."

"Yes, ma'am," Yunho muttered, re-focusing on the task at hand. He crawled backwards on the couch, giving him just enough space to take off your sweatpants and underwear, ignoring the damp spot in the middle. Seems like he wasn't the only one enjoying this.

He then removed his own pants and boxers, making you scoff. "Are you seriously so horny you can't even take off my shirt as well? You're so pathetic."

Yunho whined at the delicious sting of your words, crawling back up to settle between your legs. Just as he'd told you, he was already rock hard, pent-up from daydreaming about this exact scenario the whole day. Today was going to be the day, he just knew it. And now that it was actually happening, not to mention how you seemed to like it as well? He was almost shaking with excitement.

"Don't even bother with prep," you said unenthusiastically, reaching over to the coffee table to grab your phone again. "There's no need to prepare for something that small."

Yunho's movements stuttered for a second at your words, unsure of how to proceed. You usually liked it when he'd take his time and warm you up to his size, but now you were telling him to just skip it and go right to the main event. Well, guess he's going to have to trust your judgment.

"It's not even that small," Yunho tried to argue, fumbling with his erection to line himself up properly, "just wait, I'll show you how good I can make you feel."

You looked up from the phone in your hand (you couldn't really focus on anything on there, but pretended to be distracted anyways in the name of your role-playing session), trying to seem as unbothered as possible. "Yeah, yeah, all that big talk just to-"

Your words got caught in your throat as he finally began pushing in. You knew it was going to be a bit of a stretch, but those expectations were exceeded anyways. Taking a deep breath, you tried to relax as much as possible. As the resistance from your muscles began to fade, so did Yunho begin to breach even deeper.

"You good?" Yunho tentatively asked, visibly affected himself.

Unable to form words at the moment, you just nodded as confidently as you could.

After a few more tense seconds, Yunho was finally fully sheathed inside of you. He stayed like that for a while, looking into your eyes for a sign to start moving.

"So? How does it feel?" He asked, a playful smile on his lips at the way you were biting your bottom lip with furrowed brows.

As always, Yunho just couldn't help but be a brat and keep challenging your authority at the most random of times.

But, of course, you were having none of that.

Fighting back a wicked smile, you feigned confusion instead.

"What do you mean?" You asked, trying to sound as genuine as possible. "I'm still waiting for you to put it in."

It was almost impossible not to burst out laughing at the flustered look on Yunho's face. His eyes widened, flitting between your seemingly innocent face and down where you were already connected. "But- but I-"

"But what?" You challenged again, that annoyed edge to your tone from before returning. "Too scared to go through with it now? Just admit I'm right and save yourself the humiliation, seriously."

Yunho shook his head, the blush on his face spreading down to his neck and chest. "No, that's not- I mean, I- I'm already-"

"Already what? Not hard anymore? Got so anxious that that poor excuse of a dick fell asleep again? Not that it makes much of a difference, really."

Yunho's bottom lip trembled as he squeezed his eyes, stomach churning as the humiliation seeped even further in. It felt so awful to the point it felt exhilarating. He wanted to believe you couldn't feel him incessantly throbbing within you, but he was smarter than that.

"That's not what I meant!" He cried out, voice wobbling from the tightness in his chest. "I'm just- It's already in, okay?!"

A deafening silence filled the room, making Yunho want to curl up on himself. All of your attention was on him right now, boring into him with an intense, unreadable gaze.

And then you began laughing.

"Oh my god," you wheezed incredulously, gasping for air. Your body shook with your breaths, unintentionally squeezing around Yunho as well.

It was confusing, feeling the mix of incredible arousal along with insane shame. Yunho could feel his stomach tighten to the point of almost hurting, and yet it felt so good.

"Are you crying?" You gasped, marveling at the tears in his eyes threatening to spill over at any second. "You were so overconfident about that tiny dick of yours and look where it got you now. Crying because you can't even please a woman right. You're incredible."

That was the final straw.

Sobs echoed around the room as Yunho finally broke, letting the tears flow freely as he gave in to the humiliation. His arms gave out under him as he fell into your embrace again, wetting the pillow under you as he hid his face into it. He trembled in your hold in almost complete silence, safe for the occasional sniffles and an almost inaudible "fuck" whimpered into the cushion.

"You okay?" You whispered, tangling a hand into his hair to pet it softly.

Yunho quickly nodded in your hold before shuffling his head down into the crook of your neck again. "I'm gonna cum, oh my god."

You smiled fondly at his words, using his obstructed vision to relax your stern expression for just a second. "Aw, is that it? You've barely even put it in - or at least you say you did - and you're already gonna cum? What happened to our deal, huh? Are you that desperate you can't even wait for me to get off first?"

Just as expected, your words seemed to rile him up even further. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he said in a strained voice. His hips began rutting against yours with zero rhythm, focused on chasing the pleasure your body and words had brought him. "I'm so pathetic I can't help it, please!"

You rolled your eyes, but the clenching of your own muscles around him betrayed your true thoughts on the situation. "Ugh, fine. Not like I expected anything better anyways. Just clean up after yourself when you're done, and maybe I'll let you make me cum after."

Yunho grinned down at you, wet cheeks shining in the light. "Thank you, oh god, thank you!"

You gasped as his pace quickened, rocking you up and down on the couch under him. Yunho's face showed nothing but absolute bliss, eyebrows furrowing and mouth hanging open as he got lost in the feeling of you.

"Fuck- I love you, I love you so much," Yunho suddenly groaned out, head hanging low as he tried to keep up with himself, "you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, I swear."

You chuckled at the confession, trying to keep your breathing somewhat steady yourself. "Just because I told you your dick is small? That's not difficult criteria to meet, don't you- ah! Don't you think?"

Yunho just moaned in response, head too stuffy to form proper responses anymore. However, the increasing pleasure coursing through him felt so overwhelming to the point he had to at least say something, and so he resorted to that which he knew best.

"Love you, love you so much, 'so good to me, treat me so well all the time," he rambled on and on, hiding his face in the crook of your neck before lifting his head up to breathe properly, only to then drop back down again. "You feel so- fuck! So good, I love you! Please, can I come? Please, I need to-"

"Come, honey," you spoke in a hushed yet clear voice, slipping your hands underneath his shirt to press him closer to your chest. "Did so well today, took everything I gave you and then some."

Yunho let out another sob at your words, overwhelmed with both the warmth of your body and your words. Clutching your hips and waist tight enough to bruise, he pushed into you two, three times before finally stilling inside of you. His back tensed as the endorphins hit him all at once, even clouding his vision for a moment.

You held your lover close as he slowly came down from his high, holding onto you for dear life. Your hands rubbed soothing circles into his back.

Just when you were starting to think he'd fallen asleep, Yunho spoke up again.

"Well, that was insane."

You chuckled, making him raise his head up to look at you. "In a good way or in a bad way?"

Quirking an eyebrow, he nodded down to your half-naked bodies, still connected together in the middle. "What do you think?"

"Yeah, yeah, I get it," you conceded. "I was just scared of accidentally hurting your feelings in the process, so I needed to ask for my own peace of mind."

"You could never hurt me with anything you'd said today," Yunho reassured you, bringing one of his hands up to cup your cheek. "Besides," he grinned, "like you said, I have quite a lot of evidence to prove none of what you told me is true."

That earned him an outraged slap on his arm, making him giggle mischievously. Nevertheless, it left the both of you smiling stupidly anyways.

"...Anyways, I have a favor to repay, don't I?" He asked in a husky voice, supporting himself against the couch cushions as he rose back up.

"Ah, you don't really have to," you replied shyly, suddenly reminded of the compromising position you were stuck in in front of him. "I mostly just said that as part of the scene, we can just go clean up in the shower like we usually do."

It was already too late, though, as Yunho began to slowly pull out of you, dropping down on his stomach right after to make sure you didn't make a mess on the couch.

"No, no, you were right," he disagreed, flashing you a devious smile as he disappeared between your legs.

"You already did your part, now let me do mine."

taglist: @justconniez @domribo @another-random-fanfic-blog

Thank you for reading! And remember, feedback is always very appreciated! <3

[divinesangel]

— 𝐥𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐟𝐮𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐞

pm me for a personal reading!

— 𝐩𝐢𝐜𝐤 𝐚 𝐩𝐢𝐥𝐞!

— 𝐩𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝟏

my dearest,

as i write this letter to you, my heart is filled with excitement and anticipation for the life we will share together. every word i write comes from a place of genuine affection and admiration. there's nothing i would love more than to shower you with my affection in love, the love that i've been saving to myself for many years now. i've been waiting for you for such a long time and i still am. i can't wait for the day that we get to do endless things together, visit, many places, and do many things together. you inspire me to grow and to expand myself in ways i haven't been able to before. i'm quite eager to see our future together unfolding in abundance and prosperity. i'm pretty sure we will build a life filled with stability, harmony, and security, which is more than i could ever ask for. i will protect our connection and our home will be like a sanctuary, a place where love and joy will be present, and where we will be able to create our own family.

you need to know that i will always stick by you through thick and thin, to support you in anything that you need, in your endeavors and your dreams, and to always work to make our connection happen and for our future family to thrive. i'm pretty sure that we will be able to any storm that comes our way. although sometimes i'd rather keep the bad news to myself so you don't have to experience any negativity, i promise to always communicate with you and show you my commitment to honesty and transparency, even when the truth may be difficult to face.

i will always cherish you and take care of you. my love for you knows no bounds, and i am thankful for every moment we share. your happiness is my greatest priority, and i will do everything in my power to ensure that you feel loved, cherished, and appreciated each and every day. with you as my partner, i know that anything is possible.

until we meet again, know that you hold my heart in your hands, now and forever.

— 𝐩𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝟐

my love,

my heart overflows with warmth and anticipation for the journey that lies ahead of us. it's as if fate itself has brought us together and knew that we were always meant to be together. even if we haven't met yet, i just know that our connection will be instant as i feel the sparks even now. it's all gonna be magical, reminding me that our story is guided by something greater than ourselves. i'm impatient for the day we will get to experience that. my soul fell for you the moment it entered my body.

every time i think of you, my mind drifts back to the innocence and purity of childhood, like the sweet nostalgia. you remind me of something sweet, although distant. it's probably due to our souls knowing each other for lifetimes, finding solace and comfort in the familiarity of our bond.

my greatest desire is to see you happy, to witness the glow of joy radiating from your being and being there by your side to see you overflow with happiness; being there for you every time you need me. i know you'll be there for me as well, and it such a comfort for my heart. hand in hand, we can make anything possible.

with all my love, your future spouse

— 𝐩𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝟑

my most precious,

i find myself grappling with the complexities of life, feeling torn between the various paths laid out before me. there are moments when i question whether i am truly ready for what lies ahead, whether i possess the strength and clarity to navigate the challenges that await. the truth is, my love, there are aspects of my life that i am still coming to terms with, aspects that fill me with uncertainty and doubt. i am confronted with decisions that demand my attention, choices that require me to confront my deepest fears and desires.

but then, amidst the chaos of my mind, there is you. with you, my love, everything changes. in your presence, i find a sense of peace and clarity that i have never known before. it's as if the weight of the world is lifted from my shoulders, and suddenly, everything feels possible. you have this remarkable way of making me feel like everything will be alright. your unwavering faith in me, your boundless love and support—it fills me with a sense of courage and conviction that i never knew i possessed.

there are many things i'd like to talk to you about that have to do with how i've been feeling. things that i've never dared to tell anyone else out of fear they might not get it as well as you will. i've experienced dark times in the past that i'm trying to come into terms with, and i will tell you all about it.

it's as if you are my guiding light, leading me through the darkness and showing me the way forward. yes, there may still be moments of doubt and uncertainty, but with you, my love, i know that i am not alone. with you, i feel as though i can face whatever the future may hold with courage and grace.

yours always, x

𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐢 𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭

hi! it's daphne here.

i'm currently offering personal readings for €5 ($5.43) so don't hesitate to send me a private message if you're interested!

thank you for being here!