#but ouuuggh sometimes first you have to grapple with good god that has actually been part of me forever and i never realized it and it sucks
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cognitive distortion brain euaaaauuuughhh!!!!!!!!!
#it just sucks man and what sucks is for me that no it doesnt often distort to stuff outside of myself#but when it is anything related to myself it's like there is nothing else at all but my distortions that's all it is#every single thing has to be all or nothing it's all black and white there is no inbetween there is no two options and it sucks#for so long i thought i didnt have b&w thinking bc for essentially all things outside of myself i can rationalize pretty well#but for me for anything remotely related back to me there is nothing but one or the other. even though it isnt true.#but it is so scary and frustrating to not have it be one or the other gray area is scary uncertainty is scary i can barely stand it#also yes clearly i do know: there is room for two or more things to exist and be true all at once! it is just hard to wrap my mind around!!#bc it is hard to wrap my mind around and understand it also makes it very hard to accept and move forward!!!! i am working on it i want to#but ouuuggh sometimes first you have to grapple with good god that has actually been part of me forever and i never realized it and it sucks#bc how many things more has it ruined for myself and i didnt even know it#vent.txt
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