#so many things that started coming to surface since. & me ending up in therapy as a result bc of starting to grieve & process a lot.

[celestialmancer]

EMDR was supposed to happen today but didn’t, & I legit missed my appt for it last week that was supposed to make it 2 appts that week

So, taking that as my sign from the universe telling me i need to take it easier these days w reprocessing stuff, given how intense EMDR has been getting (which, fair given the subjects that come up during it, ig…)

[ninjatrashpanda]

The Other Shoe (Waiting for it to drop)

Written for @bucktommypositivityweek Round 2! Today's prompt is "Coming Out Scenes!"

Read it on AO3 here.

“I, uh, I think it’s time to face the music,” Buck whispered, tugging on Tommy’s sleeve. His eyes wandered over to his parents, who had watched him and Tommy like hawks throughout the entire reception, though Buck had a hard time predicting what they were thinking. On one hand, therapy had been going well, and while The Buckleys would probably never be the big happy family Buck had wished for as a kid, Mom and Dad were trying. They had been nothing but supportive about him being Connor and Kameron’s sperm donor last year, and Buck would be lying if he said he hadn’t felt a pang of appreciation when they had stood up for him against Chimney’s father and stepmother.

On the other hand, well, these were his parents, and old fears die hard. While they had apologized for how they had treated him and Maddie and become better, there was a little voice at the back of his head that told him they’d just be disappointed again. The fact that his mother hadn’t managed to get rid of the bewildered look on her face since he had dragged Tommy into Chimney’s hospital room didn’t help.

“Should I be scared?” Tommy asked, raising an eyebrow.

Buck chuckled, though it sounded more like a nervous exhale. He stole another glance at his parents, then shifted his gaze to the floor, kicking at an imaginary speck of dust. “Nah,” he said, though he admittedly wasn’t even able to convince himself of that. “Not scared. Just... prepared.”

Tommy followed Buck’s gaze across the room, where Buck’s parents stood stiffly by a wall, half-empty champagne flutes clutched tightly in their hands. Buck knew they had been mingling just a few minutes ago, but he still couldn’t help but feel that they looked, well, out of place. While they were nothing but polite, they didn’t really mesh with anyone else, and always seemed a little awkward.

“They don’t seem like they bite,” Tommy observed, in that casual, dry tone Buck had grown to appreciate over the past few weeks. In an instant, a part of his anxiety evaporated and bubbled to the surface in a barely held back snort.

“Not literally, no.” Buck ran a hand through his hair with a shake of his head, the slight smile Tommy had brought to his face staying on his face. “It’s just... history, you know? They’re trying, and I get that, I do. But sometimes it’s like...” He trailed off with a shrug, struggling to find the right words. “It’s like I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

Tommy nodded, his hand reaching out to squeeze Buck’s. Buck had told him the basics, how Maddie had practically raised him, how their parents had been neglectful and controlling. He vaguely knew about Daniel, too, though Buck hadn’t delved into the whole Savior Baby thing yet. The subject was…touchy, to say the least, and while he knew he had to breach it at some point, he wanted Tommy to have as neutral an opinion on his parents as possible. They were putting in the effort, so Buck figured they deserved that much.

“Well,” Tommy said, squeezing Buck’s hand again, a bit firmer this time, “if things get weird, you’ve got me for backup. Just say the word, and I’ll distract them with my fake mouth static.”

Buck couldn’t help but let out a genuine laugh at that, which surprised even himself. Tommy had a knack for diffusing tension, and Buck was grateful for it. It was one of the reasons he had gravitated toward him in the first place. He tightened his grip on Tommy’s hand, drawing strength from the contact, before letting go and straightening up.

“Good idea. You’re renowned for your fake mouth static after all.”

“Damn right I am.”

They stood there for a moment, neither quite willing to take the first step towards the inevitable conversation. The reception was starting to wind down, (because the nurses were kicking people out now) so at least if this developed into a scene, not too many people would end up seeing. Chimney, now recovering well after the whole viral encephalitis debacle, was in high spirits, chatting animatedly with Hen and Karen. Maddie was close by his side, smiling brighter than he had ever seen, seemingly refusing to let go of her new husband’s arm.

The love between them gave Buck a tiny surge of courage. If Maddie and Chimney could find happiness after everything they had been through, then maybe things could work out with his and Maddie’s parents too.

“Alright,” Buck said, straightening his posture, bracing himself for impact. “Let’s do this.”

They crossed the room together, Tommy a step behind Buck, offering silent support. Buck’s parents straightened as he approached, their faces neutral masks. They clearly didn’t know how to react, and Buck could hardly blame them for that.

“Hi,” Buck said, forcing a smile. “You probably have a few questions.”

His mother’s eyes softened, but there was still a glimmer of uncertainty in them. His father cleared his throat, his grip on the champagne flute tightening just slightly. The atmosphere was stiff, and the air felt thick enough to cut it with a knife.

“Hi, Buck,” his mother replied, her voice wavering just a bit. Buck was actually (positively) surprised that she used his nickname, though he had to admit it sounded almost foreign in her voice. “Yes, we, uh…” She glanced at his father, who nodded, urging her to continue. “We do have some questions, but—”

“We don’t want to push,” his father interjected, his tone uncharacteristically gentle. “We’re just… trying to understand.”

Buck nodded slowly, the tension in his shoulders easing just a fraction. They weren’t throwing accusations and bad faith arguments around, so that was a good start. Still, Buck knew that they weren’t out of the woods yet. He hadn’t spoken about the big B yet, after all.

“Yeah,” Buck said, rubbing the back of his neck, a nervous habit he hadn’t quite outgrown. “I figured. And, uh, it’s okay to ask. I know this is… a lot.”

He could see the moment his mother tried to put on a brave face, her lips curving into a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “We were surprised, that’s all,” she said. “When you came into the room with…”

She trailed off, her eyes moving over Buck’s shoulder to where he knew Tommy stood just a foot or two behind him. He took a deep breath. This was it. No going back. He had thought about it for weeks at this point, had said it out loud to himself in the mirror, but not to anybody else, not even Maddie or Tommy.

“Tommy.” He turned slightly, reaching out his hand out to Tommy, who took it into his own with a smile as he stepped up. “Mom, Dad, this is Tommy Kinard. He’s my date. He, uh… he’s the reason I figured out that I’m bisexual.”

The words hung in the air for what felt like an eternity. Buck could feel his heart pounding in his chest, the sound of his blood rushing through his ears almost deafening. He knew this moment was pivotal (one of the most important in his life, probably) and the weight of it pressed down on him like the world on Atlas’ shoulders.

His parents exchanged glances, and Buck could see an onslaught of emotions flitting across their faces: surprise, confusion, and perhaps a flicker of something that could be hope. His mother’s fingers tightened around the stem of her champagne flute, and his father took a small step closer to her.

Tommy, for his part, stayed by Buck’s side, his presence a quiet but powerful anchor. He gave Buck’s hand a reassuring squeeze, a silent promise that he was here, and that he wouldn’t leave. Buck was grateful for that; it reminded him that no matter what was going to happen, he wasn’t alone.

His mother was the first to speak. “Bisexual,” she repeated, as if testing the word on her tongue. Her brow furrowed slightly, but there was no trace of anger or disappointment in her tone. Instead, she seemed...curious. “I…well, I didn’t expect that.”

Buck could see his father’s jaw tighten momentarily before he let out a slow breath. “Buck,” he began, his voice careful, deliberate. “This is…this is a lot to take in. But I want you to know that we’re listening. We’re trying to understand.”

Buck nodded. This wasn’t a rejection, not outright. But it wasn’t exactly acceptance either, not yet, at least. Still, it was something, and in this moment, something was better than nothing.

“I know it’s a lot,” Buck said, his voice quieter now. “And I don’t expect you to get it all at once. I only figured it out a few weeks ago, too. I just wanted you to know, because…because it’s who I am. And Tommy… he’s important to me.”

His mother’s eyes softened at that, and Buck could see her shifting, recalibrating her thoughts, trying to process this new piece of information about her son. “Tommy,” she said, as if tasting the name for the first time. She looked at him then, really looked at him, and there was something in her gaze that was almost…gentle. “It’s nice to meet you, Tommy.”

Tommy smiled, his usual confidence replaced by an almost shy nervousness. “Nice to meet you too, Mrs. Buckley. And Mr. Buckley,” he added, nodding respectfully toward Buck’s father.

Buck’s father gave a small nod in return, though his expression remained unreadable. “Tommy,” he repeated, his voice a bit more measured. “You’re… Buck’s boyfriend?”

Buck sucked in a sharp breath. Obviously that question would come up. He should’ve been prepared for it, but he wasn’t. He and Tommy hadn’t even really had that conversation. He’d certainly like for Tommy to be his boyfriend, he just wasn’t sure if Tommy was at that point yet. It had only been a few weeks after all. They had been on four dates, one of which was a complete disaster, and another that hadn’t even been a date at first, but an apology for the date that had been a complete disaster.

“Yeah,” Tommy said, his tone steady. “I’m his boyfriend. And I know this might be surprising, but Evan…he means a lot to me. I care about him.”

Buck’s breath hitched in his throat. He hadn’t expected Tommy to say it outright. He had expected a lighthearted “Not yet” or “We’re seeing each other.” That he’d gone right ahead… Buck’s heart swelled just a little bit. He squeezed Tommy’s hand a little tighter, grateful beyond words. Tommy’s answer made Buck just a little braver.

Finally, his mother spoke again. “I…I see,” she said, her voice softer now, almost hesitant. She looked at Buck, her eyes searching his, as if trying to reconcile the son she knew with these new things she was learning about him. “And you… you’re happy?”

Buck felt a lump rise in his throat. It was such a simple question, but it carried so much baggage. She wasn’t asking if he was happy with Tommy. She was asking if he was happy with himself, something that would’ve been absolutely unthinkable just three years ago.

“I am,” Buck replied, his voice growing more assured. “I’m happy, Mom. I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time.”

His mother’s eyes shimmered with unshed tears, and she nodded slowly, as if coming to a decision within herself. She reached out then, tentatively, her hand hovering in the air for a moment before she placed it on Buck’s arm. “That’s all we want, Buck,” she whispered, her voice wavering a little. “We just want you to be happy.”

His father, who had been silent for most of the exchange, cleared his throat again. “It’s…a lot to adjust to,” he admitted, his voice gruff but not unkind. “But if this is who you are, and if this man makes you happy, then…well, we’ll do our best to understand.”

Buck felt a surge of relief wash over him, so powerful that it nearly knocked him off his feet. It wasn’t perfect, not by a long shot, but it was something. Something good. It was yet another step toward healing their relationship, and for that, he was grateful.

“Thank you,” Buck said, his voice barely above a whisper. “Thank you for not, like, freaking out.”

His father gave a small nod, and his mother’s hand tightened on his arm, a silent reassurance that they were, in fact, trying. Tommy smiled and wrapped his arm around Buck’s shoulders, Buck leaning into his side almost automatically, enjoying the warmth of their connection.

His mother glanced over at Tommy, her expression softening further. “You’re welcome to join us for dinner before we fly back to Hershey, Tommy,” she said, a small, tentative smile tugging at her lips. “We’d like to get to know you better.”

Tommy’s eyes widened at the invitation, and Buck didn’t blame him. It was already unusual that Tommy had met his parents this early, but getting invited to family dinner? That was big. “I’d love to, Mrs. Buckley. Thank you.”

Buck’s father gave a curt nod, not quite ready to add anything further, but his stance had relaxed just a little. There was still a long way to go, a lot of conversations to be had, but in that moment, Buck knew they were moving in the right direction.

As the reception continued to wind down, Buck stood there with Tommy by his side, his parents before him, and for the first time in a long while, he felt a cautious sense of optimism. The journey ahead would be challenging, there was no doubt about that, but they were all still here, still trying, and that was more than Buck could have hoped for when he first approached them.

As they exchanged a few more words, lighter now, less fraught with tension, Buck realized that this was what he had been waiting for all along. Not just acceptance, but the willingness to grow, to move forward together. And maybe that was enough to help the wounds of the past heal.

[ssiggss]

Hello again ! You don't have to respond to any of these if you don't want to btw, I just like explaining/rambling about Trollhunters because all of my friends aren't into it.

Anyways, my story for the Arcane Order is WILDLY different from both the Wizards series and the movie.

Nari's (who is based off of the Tylwyth Teg from Welsh mythology) more of a villain at the start of Wizards, being the driving force for the Arcane Order's disdain of humanity. Skrael and Bellroc aren't fully on board with the idea of letting the incredibly violent and destructive Gumm-Gumms win the war and rule over the surface world. But, Nari's the eldest, and they can't not admit that Camelot is a threat to the magical creatures within Nari's woods.

Still, allowing the man-eating trolls to win sounds like a bad idea, so Skrael and Bellroc refuse to assist in Nari's plans.

So, Nari plays with fate by herself, approaching Arthur under the guise of a fair maiden, and planting the seeds of doubt in Morgana's loyalty. Which leads to her death at his hands.

Nari is the one who resurrects Morgana, and gives her more power, along with a mission: Tamper in the battle and have the humans lose.

Fast forward, Nari realizes her mistake mid-battle when she's forcefully shown the future via that time-map thing. (I despise time traveling, but I can make it work to keep it just a *little* closer to Canon). After seeing what her world will become with Gunmar and Morgana ruling it, she backs down, and brings the forces of nature crashing down on the Gumm-Gumms. Deya still wins the overall battle, and locks Gunmar away, just like in Canon.

Now, remember how I said Skrael and Bellroc didn't want to destroy humanity? Well, Nari's actions seem to have a habit of coming back to bite her.

Fast forward to Jim's lifetime, and the world is polluted, cultures are getting smaller and smaller, and not many people are still in touch with nature. So, remembering what Nari had tried to do with Killahead, Skrael and Bellroc decide to ask her help in wiping out humanity for good, to preserve the cultures that are rapidly fading.

Nari sticks her nose up at them and basically says "Nah fam, y'all didn't help me back then, I ain't helping you now. Besides, Merlin's letting me live at Camelot for free" and peaces out. And Skrael's like "You didn't even go through with the plan back then???"

Yeah so, Nari, #1 hypocrite in my Au. I still love her, since she's also inspired off of numerous fae and also kelpie mythology.

In what would the Rise of the Titans movie for my Au, all of the battles and stuff are a lot different, including the Titans themselves. I'll draw them all eventually, but moving on for now. There's still a fight between Nari and Skrael; Nari loses an eye and forearm during the fight, and Skrael is almost strangled and crushed to death by vines and rubble.

Eventually it turns into Skrael seeing that yes, there's still good people on Earth, and yes, killing them all is not the answer. He helps how he can in the upcoming confrontation with Bellroc, which is less of a battle and more of a therapy session. Because, damn, these guys' cultures have been absolutely wrecked by time and colonization / global warming.

In the end, the Arcane Order splits up for good.

Thank you for reading! Have a digitalized version of the sketch from the other day

This is a very interesting concept!!

UIltimately you've made some cool alterations!! I like the more in depth dive in Skrael and Nari's bond, and the differential development of your storyline!!

You've put a lot of work into this, I respect that!! Its all very detailed, and you've got good visual language!!

I like this au, thank you for sharing!!

[razorsadness]

Last week started out pretty well. I got a lot of work (paid day-job stuff) done; took my kids to the library for therapy dog reading time, took them to the park to birdwatch (we saw so many woodpeckers, both downy and red-bellied). I took a lot of walks and wrote a lot and read a lot.

C. and I had a sweet discussion about relationships. He asked me if he could have a girlfriend and I said that one day, when he’s older, and he meets a girl he’s into who’s into him, he can have a girlfriend. Then I said that he’s a long way off from dating, though, and that in the meantime he just needed to make friends with people, girls and boys. He said “okay,” paused, then said: “Does that mean I can have a girlfriend and a boyfriend someday?!” I said: “If you want to, then absolutely.” But internally I was screaming: “Oh my god, he’s gonna be bi and poly!!!!” Obviously I know that kids say and do all kinds of things that have no bearing on their identity or life, but it still made me smile. Later on that day, he said he wanted Spider-Man to be his boyfriend someday, which was also super cute. (And of course made me think of both the Bi-Der Man meme, and Andrew Garfield saying he’d wanted to play Spider-Man/Peter Parker as bi.)

There was one day when C. seemed like maybe he was coming down with something, and I got a little worried, but then he seemed fine, so I thought it was just a fluke.

Friday morning, I woke up feeling good. I thought P. and I would finally be able to fuck that night (we hadn’t had sex in a week and a half; first he had a backache, then I had some genital irritation which I did not want to make worse). But then C. was acting really weird, like saying he needed a nap after only being awake for two hours, and his eyes looked really glassy, and his forehead felt warm. I checked his temperature, and sure enough, it was slightly elevated. He only got worse from there.

Well, whatever he had has since made its way through the everyone in the house. It’s not CoViD. We’ve taken multiple CoViD tests over the course of the past four days, and all of them have been negative. I know antigen tests aren’t as reliable as PCR tests, but last April when we did have CoViD, the tests showed positive as soon as we were symptomatic. Plus, with CoViD I had insane body aches, fatigue, and brain fog, and have had none of that with this virus. (Well, not much. There’s always a little fatigue with any virus, but this is nothing compared to CoViD fatigue.) But we’re treating it basically the same way, anyway. Quarantining, resting as much as possible, megadosing on vitamins.

The first few days after we started coming down with it, P. and I felt pretty good, and we said: “Oh, maybe we got really mild cases!” I guess we jinxed it, because as of Monday evening, it got a lot worse for both of us. Still not the sickest I’ve ever been, but it’s no fun.

Worst parts of the past five days:

I had to pass on a really well-paying freelance gig, because the deadline was the end of this week, and I knew I’d be too sick to do it well, and taking care of sick kiddos on top of it so I wouldn’t have the time.

Obviously, P. and I have not gotten to have sex. It’s been over two weeks now! I know in the grand scheme of things that’s not a long time, but for us, it kinda is.

The being sick itself. All the phlegm and snot, oh my fucking god. It is endless.

My nose is chapped! My lips are chapped!

Not being able to keep my house clean/picked up. I’m not a clean or neat freak, but in recent months I’ve realized I do better if we keep up a baseline of organization and cleanliness, and we’ve been staying pretty on top of it. But this week, what with being sick, we’ve done dishes and laundry as needed, plus general wiping down of surfaces with disinfectant, and everything else has fallen by the wayside.

I am so fucking tired. Not like, fatigue-tired, but like, I haven’t been sleeping well despite my best intentions. Because either the kids keep me up half the night so I can tend to their ailments, or I just can’t sleep because I’m either blowing my nose or spitting out phlegm every two seconds. And last night was the full moon, and I can never sleep when it’s a full moon, sick or no.

I started feeling bad about my Career and my Life and Myself, thinking: “Ugh, I’m a failure at everything and I’m old and hideous and everything is terrible now and is gonna be terrible forever.” Fortunately, I nipped it in the bud quickly, remembering that I always get depressed about myself/my life when I’m sick, and that it is not the right time to be taking stock of anything.

Best parts of the past five days:

On Sunday, when I still thought this might be a mild cold, I was able to attend the Four Queens online writing workshop. I wrote some stuff, and got lots of great ideas for current and future projects. And I just really liked what Mathias had to say about attention and astonishment.

I’ve been taking Mathias’ words to heart. Even as I’ve been sick, I’ve been taking time every day to step outside or at least look outside, or even look at something inside, and pay deep attention and feel astonished, and that’s led to even more lists and ideas and scraps; more mulch for future writings.

I’ve been spending as much of my time as possible reading books or watching videos and films. And basically everything I’ve been watching and reading has been by and/or about queer and trans folks. Books I’ve read: A Minor Chorus by Billy-Ray Belcourt, Feral City by Jeremiah Moss, and IRL by Tommy Pico. Things I’ve watched: The film of Abigail Thorn’s play The Prince, Chris McKim’s documentary Wojnarowicz: Fuck You Faggot Fucker, and Caelan Conrad and Jessie Gender’s newest video essays on YouTube. I highly recommend all of it.

I’ve been drinking a lot of tea. I’ve been mostly foregoing cold medicine and having a hot toddy every evening instead. When I have tried the cold meds they just haven’t helped very much, or not enough anyway, and I find that a good hot toddy helps just as much. Plus, hot toddies taste better and are more enjoyable than cold meds. And there’s no way I’m gonna take cold meds and drink at the same time. Twenty years ago, back when I used to take severe liver damage may occur as less of a warning, more of a challenge? Sure, I mixed meds and booze. But back then I simultaneously still hoped to/thought I would die young, and also kinda thought I was fuckin’ invincible. Now I’m (comparatively) old and would like to live a lot longer, thank you, so I’m not going to risk it.

Today I made myself ramen for lunch—just instant ramen, but I tried this technique I learned that makes it taste better, and also added chopped scallions, a splash of soy sauce and a splash of chili oil, and I topped it with a fried egg. Then I took a long, hot aromatherapy bubble bath. Then I drank tonight’s hot toddy, and cooked dinner while listening to my favorite radio station. Every year on International Women’s Day they play only women/women-fronted bands and artists all day. The DJ tonight did a whole block (two songs each) of Alanis Morissette followed by Garbage followed by Ani DiFranco, and it was like, holy flashback to middle school thru early college, Batman! (I mean that in the best possible sense.) Then we changed the sheets on all the beds, and now I’m lying in bed, finishing this entry, and feeling better than I’ve felt since Monday. I’m cautiously optimistic that I’m actually on the mend.

Other things: 

Saturn has moved into Pisces, and it’s intense.

I have a wee little crush on someone. They are currently On The Road, and I’ve been looking up photos of places they’re currently in. I realized that this is actually fairly common for me. Be it friend, family, crush, lover, acquaintance even…if I am thinking of someone who lives away from me, and/or is traveling, I look up photographs of where they currently are. It’s sort of a way to see what they’re seeing, maybe in that way sort of feel what they’re feeling. And it’s sort of the opposite of a postcard. A postcard is sending someone a piece of where you are, saying wish you were here. This thing I do is finding a piece of where someone I care for is, thinking wish I was there.

I was thinking about K. the other day. Sent her a message to say I think of her often, and I hope she’s well. She has not responded, and I’m not surprised nor do I blame her. For three years, she tried so so hard to be close with me, and I really didn’t let her in. I wanted to, but I was also afraid, and there were several other factors. And she eventually gave up. And, as I said, I don’t blame her. I send her messages a few times a year, to let her know I still think of her. I wish she’d respond, but at this point in my life I’d rather have people know I care even if they don’t reciprocate.

We’re hunkering down for a winter storm that’s due within the next couple days. I want it to be spring, but despite the returning birds and the daffodil shoots, it’s still officially winter for the next two weeks.

[inhonoredglory]

another character based question - how do you feel about mikasa? a lot of fans dont like her, im curious about how you feel! - armin anon

Hellooooo Armin Anon. OMG it’s been forever since I had the time to sit down and do a proper meta, and I apologize.

First off, I finished the manga!!! (So, spoilers ahead for anyone else reading this.) I had to lie down after reading 139. It’s a tremendous story and I’m still taking it all in. The set pieces and personal/emotional stakes of everything that happens is just astounding. If it’s one thing Isayama does good, it’s the gut-wrenching personal anguish that underlies the action. I’m absolutely floored. My favorite bit was probably the timey-wimey stuff in Paths and Eren. That blew my freaking mind. But onto Mikasa!!

A Cruel Yet Beautiful World

I remember way back when I started the anime that I started liking Mikasa first out of the group. I liked how sullenly silent and no-nonsense she was, and I liked her loyalty to Eren. Her emotion, especially when Eren died in Trost, was palpable and terrifyingly beautiful. Her grief was incredibly realistic––rushing off with a death wish that even she couldn’t succumb to in the end, because of the drive to fight that she got from Eren. In a world like SNK, her relentlessness breaking through her grief was incredibly moving. And her philosophy is basically the driving theme of SNK: “This is a cruel world, and yet so beautiful.”

This is the same moral message she gives Eren when he can’t find the strength in him to fight Annie––and gives him that warm, understanding, inscrutable smile that allows him to finally accept his own monsters, fight Annie, and save her and Armin. (One of my favorite panels of her from the manga, actually.) Mikasa is basically the first character we meet who embodies this contradictory morality, which grows to engulf SNK and other characters as well (Levi, Reiner, and Armin especially come to mind). Which could be why I was drawn to her at the start, since the complex moral outlook of SNK was the primary reason I fell hard for this story.

(And gosh, it’s tragic to realize that it’s teaching moments like the scene above that made Eren into the person who could influence his own child self to murder, the person who could wipe out so much of humanity, the person who could take Ymir’s challenge to free her by destroying the love of the person who cared the most about him. I’m still processing yo.)

Acker-parallels

I started really analyzing Mikasa when I had to defend her from a friend of mine who accused her of resenting Levi (for beating up Eren) and that’s why she attacked him so violently in the RTS serumbowl. Because of my research into rebutting that, a lot of my affection for Mikasa now comes in seeing the little ways in which she cares and trusts other people, including Armin, Levi, Gabi, and Jean. And her quiet sensibility that goes beyond her love and protectiveness of Eren.

With Levi in particular, I find a lot I like about her. Because you can definitely see her annoyance at him, but she also trusts him more than anyone else in the Corps outside of Armin. After Levi’s violent encounter with Historia, she was the only one who implicitly trusted Levi’s judgement, backing up Armin’s more reasoned logic. She sees beyond her own emotions and even moral feelings and realizes the world is cruel enough that sometimes people have to do dark things to help others and survive.

This is very much the same statement Levi made to the 104th when he had asked them to follow Erwin’s orders when the commander’s plans were questionable on the surface: “Do you trust him? Those dumb enough to say yes… come with me.” These two understand each other on a moral level, and they ask for their comrades’ loyalty without demanding it, because they each know that everyone’s conscience is their own.

There’s a clear parallel between Mikasa and Levi, not only because of their Ackerman heritage and sensibilities (loyal to a fault to their chosen person, impossibly strong, quiet and grim), but their frustration when they cannot protect the people they are responsible for. They both know they are the strongest around, and if they cannot fulfill on that power, a lot of people will die.

There are many moments in which Mikasa puts aside her personal feelings to do her soldierly duty, from leaving Eren to help with the evacuation of Trost to leaving Eren and Armin to fight the Colossal Titan alone in Shigonshina.

And then there’s the fact that Levi’s the one who could break past Mikasa’s headspace and distraction so that she can do the right thing. He understands her strong emotion, he respects it, but he also knows when that has to be put aside for the greater good. But he doesn’t put her down for having those emotions, either.

Strength from Eren, Humanity from Armin

Mikasa’s love and loyalty to Eren challenges her tremendously after the timeskip and her sorrow at Eren’s change is what really stands out to me about her character in the Marley arc. The absolute grief in her eyes when she tells Eren what he’s done is devastating, and it shows just how much goodness and compassion she does have.

And yet she longs to understand Eren, to trust him, to believe there can be something redeeming, and not merely jaded and tired, in what he taught her so many years ago––to fight, to win, to live.

There’s such a difference between these same words said here by Mikasa, so many years later, after so much heartbreak, to the anger and flame that were in them when she first heard them, back when she realized that this was the way of the world. That death and killing happens in the natural world everyday and that’s how you survive. That the world is both cruel and beautiful.

And yet as the years wore on, as Mikasa grew closer to others, found purpose in protecting others, sought a life with Eren… as she wandered further into the forest of life and society and relationships, she lost some of that simple injunction... to live is to fight, to fight is to win. She, like so many of the 104th and the others on this journey, found that it’s not enough to just fight and live and be satisfied. We really want it all to mean something, to have our actions be redemptive. To allow ourselves to believe that we do what we’re doing because we’re not just saving ourselves, but saving others, “saving the world” like Yelena points out (in the forest therapy session pfff). And it’s that drive for something bigger in our actions that grieves her so much with Eren, because as she wants her own actions to be fundamentally good and selfless, she wants his actions to be moral as well.

So while Eren is the person that frustrates Mikasa and motivates her to become stronger and braver than she ever was, Armin is the person who humanizes Mikasa and allows her the space to be gentle and vulnerable. She comforts Armin, confides in him, puts her faith in him, and puts her life in his hands.

She trusts Armin with Eren, and she values Armin’s intellect and compassion, qualities she doesn’t have in nearly as much quantities as he does: “There are only so many lives I can value. And… I decided who those people were six years ago. So... you shouldn’t try to ask for my pity. Because right now, I don’t have time to spare or room in my heart.”

This bit from her confrontation with Ymir and Historia was a defining moment for me with Mikasa. It’s honest and realistic in a way that few of us care to admit about ourselves, and it’s just super chilling and badass coming from her, too. It also shows how much she fights for Armin and Eren both. They are the two people she loves the most in the world, and she never gave up on saving either of them––from death or from themselves.

I’m looking back on Trost now and finding so much irony with the ending to SNK. In Trost, she was the one to give up on Eren, telling Armin that it was hopeless to try to extract Eren’s personality from his Titan form. And yet, like in the end, it’s always been between Armin and Mikasa to try to salvage Eren’s humanity. In Trost, Armin tells Mikasa to leave––to go do what she’s good at (saving lives)––and to entrust Eren to him.

It’s a huge expression of both Mikasa’s trust in Armin, and her belief in Armin’s abilities and friendship for Eren. And in the end, it’s the two of them again debating on if there’s any humanity left in Eren. The bond they share is intimate and deep. With all the military doubting Eren and scheming to take away his Titan (with even Jean and Connie unavailable to them emotionally), it’s only Armin and Mikasa against the world––the only two people who can truly consider Eren’s actions and hold off on judging him. And you can feel their love for him even as they doubt him.

And like back then, it has always been Armin who understands Eren most, the one who recognizes his own evil and Eren’s and finds a redemption in having others stop you, because you cannot stop yourself.

And that’s the thing I really take away from SNK and from Mikasa’s journey, that we all have devils inside us, and yet there is still beauty to be found, within us and in the world––from the natural wonders that Armin dreams of, to the comfort of purpose and companionship that Mikasa has in Eren. Love and wonder is what redeems us of our devils. And yet love itself is complicated, and can turn ugly in its obsession. That giving up that love is what makes the love selfless and beautiful, what absolves us of the selfishness within us. That’s what Mikasa learned. And in the end, she was able to release that love for the good of the world.

So I guess to sum up, I really love Mikasa. I can see why her dogged loyalty to Eren might annoy some fans, but I think there’s a lot more to her than simply that, and in fact, her journey and growth is heart-rending and one of the most symbolic arcs of SNK and fundamental to its entire theme. She’s a badass with a lot of emotion and depth behind her cold mask.

[darkshadow90]

Loki x reader: You have a reunion with Classic Loki

Summary: You are pruned with Loki and end up in the Void. You reunite with the Loki you fell in love with. The Loki you believed was killed at the hands of Thanos.  A/N: Hey guys. I had this idea since it was confirmed Classic Loki was the Loki who faked his death. The reader has a brief reunion with him. She doesn’t believe it’s him at first. I haven’t seen many fics based on this idea so I thought I would write one. Warnings: A lot of angst. I hope you enjoy this 🙂

You were pruned with Loki to a dreary place. You thought you were dead. “Y/N?  Is it really you, my love? I see the TVA must have caught you.” You were confused. You had no idea why is was talking to you like this. How did he know you? He was the oldest variant of Loki you had seen so far. You don’t ever remember seeing him before. “Come on. We need to go now. I’ll explain everything once we get to safety.” You and Loki went with him and made it to their bunker. “Y/N. You’re still as beautiful as you were all those years ago.” “You think that’s funny? Loki and I loved each other. I saw him die. He was much younger than you.” “I know he’s me.” “That’s impossible. There’s no way you could be him. I don’t believe you, you’re lying!” “Darling, I assure you I’m not lying. Look at me.” He cupped your face so you could look at him. You looked into his eyes, and it was then you realized he was telling the truth. He was the Loki you loved but much older.

You teared up all the pain you had been feeling had been coming to the surface. “It is you. But how? I saw you die. How could you leave Thor and me behind like that? I thought you really changed that you were learning to accept yourself. That you were learning to put others before yourself. I believed you. I believed you died a hero, Thor and I both did, and you were alive the whole time!” “I know. I know I hurt you  and I’m sorry. Please let me explain. When Thanos showed up on our ship, I cast a projection of myself so real, even he believed it. I thought about all the pain I caused so many people, I thought it was better to have you believe I died because I was afraid you and Thor would hate me for lying yet again. Instead of returning right away, I isolated myself on a planet for many, many years. I thought it was the best thing to do, but eventually I got lonely. I decided to try and find my way back to Thor. I missed both of you dearly, but at the time I left the planet, you most certainly would have been dead for several years, for a mellinium or more. I thought it would have been easier for you if you thought I was dead, but when I was apprehended by the TVA, I saw the impact my faked death had on you. I saw you in therapy sessions for grief you were trying to deal with over losing me, and your family. I tried to protect your feelings and I hurt you anyway. I’m the god of outcasts, we all are.”

You started to cry again. It was a mix of sadness and joy. “We finally reunited, my love. Alas, it’s too late for us now.” He laughed ironically. “I’m so old now, you may very well outlive me. I never would have thought a mortal would outlive a god, but I never expected to fall in love with a mortal. If that’s not ironic, I don’t know what is. But if you really want to, you can make an old man happy.” He grinned playfully, joking. Yep, he was definitely your Loki. He laughed and you lightly elbowed him. “Alright, I deserved that.” “Somethings never change, do they?” You smiled and shook your head. Loki, the Loki you had been in the TVA with came and touched your shoulder. You had come to trust him like the Loki you fell in love with. “Maybe it’s not too late for us. I trust you you can trust me, I’m not the person I was.” You looked over to the now old Loki and he smiled and nodded in approval. That was enough for you to give yourself another chance at happiness. 

[jadedxrealityw]

-Chapstick- Pansy Parkinson x Female Reader

    ☼-☪-☼

   Kody: the lesbians have risen

  Request: pansy x reader where they are friends & reader loves chapsticks very much because chapped lips also the taste and the smell are cute ?? and then she has different variants of it. Pans could smell it sometimes when she purposely gets closer, got curious one time and asked for it and she casually gave it. One time Pans asked what flavour was the one on her lips right now because it's different from the usual??? and reader was like see for yourself and then they ki- IM SO GAY FOR PANSY PARKINSON - 💐

  House: Slytherin

  Possible Triggers / Warnings: lesbian power couple baby, cursing, y/n being a bottom, making out. 

    ☼-☪-☼

   since day one you had been best friends with Pansy Parkinson. Even in your small little friend group that consisted of Draco Malfoy, Blaise Zabini, and Theodore Nott, you just gravitated towards Pansy more. Maybe it was because you were both girls or the fact that you had met her first.

   throughout your school years you and Pansy were like a power duo. Some were scared, some wanted your title, and the rest despised you both. Even with all the popularity you weren’t mean or cude to people who didn’t deserve it. Kill them with kindness is what you’d always say.

   around your 6th year is when you enveloped your slight chapstick addiction. You had noticed your lips become more flaking and chapped as you grew up so over the summer when you visited america you bought a pack with a variety of different flavors. 

   Pansy made fun of you at first because of how quickly you had started to buy more and more until you had a collection. After all the teasing you two developed a sort of game you could say. Anytime Pansy could smell the chapstick on you she would try and guess what scent it was.

   at first it was cute and friendly, but out of nowhere she would grab your face and bring it close to hers so she could smell the chapstick. It would be so sudden and make your stomach twist in a way you had never felt before, especially when she would send you a wink after she backed away. 

   after a lot of thinking and ‘therapy’ sessions with Theo you had come to the conclusion that you had fell for your best friend. It was very cheesy, but it was true. Pansy Parkinson had stolen your heart and you terrified at the power she held over you.

    ☼-☪-☼

   7th year

   you were practically running towards the field, hoping the outfit you chose would keep you warm enough in the nippy weather. You did not want to be late to Draco and Blaises quidditch match against Gryffindor. Of course you cheered on your friends, who wouldn’t?

   you began to climb up the stairs to make your way into the stands. Once you make it to the top you gaze through the crowd and spot the familiar black haired female leaning back to look up at the sky. She looked very focused on something in the sky.

   Pansy was wearing a large black sweater with some kind of white t-shirt sticking out from the bottom with matching black pants and shoes. She looked in casual clothes- in anything really. You make your way through the crowd, pushing past a couple people while mumbling ‘excuse me’ and such.

   you take a seat next to Pansy who looks back down to face you “Thought you weren’t gonna show. You look nice by the way” she comments and you shake your head. You were wearing a black crop with matching pants and a oversized navy blue hoodie. 

   your stomach twist like many times before. “Thanks” you reply before suddenly realizing you were missing a friend “Where’s Theo?” you ask. Pansy lifts up her hand to point in front of her. You follow her finger until you spot the back of Theos head “He wanted to be closer to watch Blaise”

   you nod once before you heard Lee Jordan begin the announcements.

    ☼-☪-☼

   while watching a breeze blew past you and towards Pansy. The Slytherin girls nose scrunched up as she smelled something, something fruity? (because your gay duh) She turns to look at you, brown eyes narrowed. You felt her eyes on you and face her “What?-” 

   Pansy grabs your face with both of her hands. You could feel the cold metal of the rings she wore against your cheek. Pansy leans in close, her nose centimeters from your mouth. You could hear her sniff as your face began to feel hot. 

   she was so close. The smell of hrt minty breath from her gum she had been chewing made everything in your body flare up. It was only a second, but felt like hours before she pulled away “Your wearing strawberry” Pansy had a cocky smirk on her face as she spoke, her hands slowly falling from your face

   you blink mindlessly as you reach into the packet of your jacket. You pull out the tube of strawberry chapstick. Pansy’s smirk only grows wider “Knew it, what's my prize?” she asked. Your face twist a bit. A prize? She had never asked for one before.

   “What do you want?”

   “A Kiss”

   your mouth opens a bit to speak, but you choke on your words instead. Pansy lets out a chuckle and turns to face forward again “I’m only kidding”

    ☼-☪-☼

   you were walking alongside Pansy, Theo, Draco and Blaise. You were all leaving the quidditch field and head back to the common room. Slytherin had won and the team was going out for butterbeer at the three broomsticks. Draco and Blaise had opted out saying they wanted to celebrate with close friends.

   just you guys, how sweet.

   “So- did Y/n and Pans. I flew past you guys and for a brief second and i swore i saw you guys making out” Draco spoke making Blaise and Theo laugh. “You guys were what now? I knew you were close, but no that close damn” Draco adds were made the boys laugh even harder.

   you roll your eyes playfully and walk behind behind Draco. He doesn’t see you as you wack the back of his head “Ow!” he exclaimed. Pansy chuckles “We were not making out by the way. I was smelling her chapstick” she explains. The boys nod and silence consumes you all after that.

   that is until Theo speaks up “That’s still gay”

    ☼-☪-☼

   you all spent the night together, talking, goofing around, and drinking firewhiskey. It was a fun idea at the time, but you all got wasted more than you’d like to admit. Your E/c eyes open slowly and your met with skin? You lift your head up, you were laying on top of Pansy.

   Y/n.exe has stopped working

   she was wearing her black flannel pants as well as her matching sports bra. Your heart might have stopped right then and there. You look down at what you were wearing and noticed you only had your undergarments and Pansy’s sweater that she had worn at the game. 

   before having time to freak the hell out you heard the black haired girl mumble under you “morning” she mumbles, her eyes opening slowly. You give her a half smile before sitting up “Um- how did- how did i end up here?” you ask. Pansy uses her elbows to prop herself up.

   she pushes her bangs from her face. They had began to grow over her eyes, but refused to cut them after you said you liked them longer. “You got a bit tipsy so i brought you here to rest. As well as those three” she says and points to the floor. You raise a brow and crawl to the edge of the bed.

   on the floor was Blaise and Theo cuddling on the ground. Cute. Draco was laying next to Blaise curled up in a ball with a blanket over him. Also cute. “Damn, i guess you played mom for a bit huh?” you joke, sitting back down on the bed. 

   Pansy shrugs her shoulders “You could say that. Your hug things in your sleep, did you know that?”

   “I’m sorry what?”

    ☼-☪-☼

   later in the day you were in your own dorm room studying for an exam in charms you had the next day. While writing down a few notes you heard your door open. You place the quill down and turn in your chair to see Pansy at the door. 

   she had on a black t-shirt with a sheer long sleeve one underneath, black pants with a white dragon that stopped above her ankles and black socks with checkered vans. Pansy had a plate of food in each hand “Theo told me you hadn’t eaten lunch yet so i brought you some.”

   “You look cute by the way” she adds with a wink

   you smile lightly and pat the chair next to yours “I’m guessing you came to eat with me as well?” you ask and she nods, taking a seat. She places the plate of food in front of you and places her down as well. Pansy began to move your textbooks around as you reached into the pocket off your black jeans.

   you pulled out your new chapstick ‘fruit punch’ and took off the cap. You smear it on your bottom lip before popping the cap back on and into your pocket while rubbing both your lips together to apply it evenly. Pansy smells something fruity again and smiles lightly.

   except for this smelt different. Way different. Nothing you had worn before.

   Pansy looks at you as you grab a fork with a amused smirk “New chapstick?” she asked. You noticed her playful tone. Turning in your sea you face Pansy “Maybe, maybe not” you say vaguely, shrugging your shoulders. Pansy rolls her eyes and faces you too.

   like last time she reaches up and grabs your face, pulling it close to hers. You hear her sniff just like before, but this time her eyebrows furrow “What the fuck is that?” she asks, making you laugh quietly “Can’t figure it out?” you tease. Her brown eyes narrow into a glare “Shut up” she hisses.

   what a baby

   Pansy stays like that for a couple seconds before exhaling loudly “What the hell is it” she grumbles. A risky idea popped into your mind in an instant. It was dumb, but you were so tired of just being friends with her. You were willing to risk it all in one question.

   “See for yourself then”

   you couldn’t really remember much between the the couple seconds of silence. All you remember is Pansy’s lips on your feverishly. She leaned into kiss you deeper, making you almost fall out the chair. She was not taking it slow in the slightest.

   As Pansy’s mouth moves against yours she leans down and uses her hands to scoop up your thighs. She lifts you up and you wrap your arms around her waist tightly, making Pansy let out a muffled noise. You felt a hard surface hit your back and assumed Pansy had leant you against the wall.

   Pansy ran her tongue against your bottom lip. You open your mouth slightly for her and Pansy’s tongue slipped into your mouth instantly. You felt a cold piece of metal on your tongue that connected to hers. It took you a second to process what it was.

   she had a tongue piercing

   “You have a tongue piercing?” you ask between hot kisses. You feel her smirk against your lips as one hand traces circles on your exposed stomach. She pulls away for a moment “Yeah. Problem?” she questions, panting slightly. You shake your head quickly “Nope- it’s just really hot”

    ☼-☪-☼

   an hour later

   “You owe me ten galleons” Draco spoke.

   Blaise groans and reaches into his pocket to dig out the money and place it in his hands “Yeah, yeah whatever” he grumbles.

   Theo smiles happily “I’m so happy for them!”

   Draco nods slowly “I’m pretty sure the whole house heard them though”

    ☼-☪-☼

   Taglist: @the--queen-of-hell @sonbelleame @dracosathenaeum @pxroxide-prinxcesss 

    ☼-☪-☼

   Kody- lesbian things lesbian things. Anyways request are open, peace.

[ravens-rambling]

I just finished watching encanto and all I can say is...wow.

The message behind this movie, the meaning behind it, really touches close to home.

Especially the relationship between Mirabel and abuela

Cause, it basically showed that cause of all the trauma she faced at seeing her home being burned down. Everything she loved. And then seeing her husband get slaughtered in front of her. She's scared of it happening again. That trauma followed her since that day, and it's still following her. She can't escape it. She based her entire life, even her family's lives, around this trauma. And I've come to realize with going to therapy and seeing a lot of posts on different social medias about my generation...

We are kinda the same way?

Like our parents, or even our grandparents, hold so much trauma that they shape their lives around it without even realizing it. They don't get the help they need until it's too late or none at all. And cause of that, they unknowingly give their children that exact trauma or similarly to it. And those children carry that trauma too.

But our generation acknowledges that trauma. We know it's trauma. And we look up resources to fix it, we look up and seek out ways to help on how to change ourselves before it controls our lives. That's why so many of us have depression, anxiety, PTSD in many cases. That's why there is a surge of these cases in our generation. Cause we acknowledge it. We see it. And we put a label on it to help us become better. It helps us heal. And we seek out help to heal even further. And in case we do have children in the future...the trauma ends with us.

When our parents just moved on with life and didn't bother to do any of this. To them, their trauma was their life. It was too late for them.

Just like abuela, she didn't see that her trauma was putting SO SO much stress onto her family. Luisa had to carry all this burden and weight until she cracks, which she was cracking under the surface. Isabela had to be perfect, no matter what. Bruno left cause he was scared of her, he was scared of what she could do. She unknowingly put all of this onto her family...and her trauma blinded her of that fact.

That trauma was being placed on them all, but especially to Mirabel. But she had to smile and bear through it. Just like she was taught to do by observing abuela doing the same thing. And her family doing it too. Until she stopped and realized, everyone is cracking under this pressure. It may seem wonderful and dandy on the cover. But behind those doors?

Was trauma. Trauma that wasn't resolved, that follows the leader of the household...and is putting that trauma into others.

It reminds me of my dad since he grew up with SO so much trauma. And it never got resolved. That trauma still follows him. And cause of that he lashes out, he hurts those closes to them without even realizing it. He's put trauma onto members of the family cause he doesn't see the trauma in himself. It takes his children, or even a therapist, to tell him that he has trauma. It's the same thing with abuela. It took Mirabel to tell her that she has trauma. And to stop putting that burden onto her family, and get some help. Course they didn't show her getting help at the end, but they showed her start to heal from her trauma.

And idk, I find that very cool.

[theyscreamjade]

Can you do Kiri, Iida, Izuku, and Bakugo with a s/o who goes deaf from a concussion received during a fight or even training. (I lost my hearing and I haven't seen much done for deaf readers. Thank you so much if you do respond hun.)

Severe Silence

Words can’t describe how I feel for you honey, Trust me, you’re not alone. I’ve always had hearing issues since I was born and they’re stating I may or may not lose my hearing in the future which hurts because music is my life and I can’t see myself without it. I hope this makes your day and if you need to talk, I’m always here.

Disclaimer: Slight Gore, Abuse and Acts Of Violence

————————————————————————————————————————

Eijiro Kirishima

* He remembers the whole accident that day because he was the one who carried you to the infirmary.

* It was training to see how you’d withstand during a earthquake and you were one of the following that was instructed to stand in a building.

* Aizawa wasn’t too keen on it but you insisted that you wanted a challenge.

* When the ground started to shake, wood, chunks of cement started tumbling down. You had your practice dummy to your back, running towards the safe exit with Ochacko and Shoji following close behind.

* Apart from the training, a ding would be heard when there’s another victim close by, you guys had the majority of them. Even though the earthquake ended, parts were still falling.

* You handed your dummy off and went off to find another one, and never returned.

* You were eventually sent to the hospital even though Recovery Girl healed you.

* You weren’t heard of for a while which worried your Sharky lover.

* During a free period, Baku-Squad including Deku, Momo, and Ochacko comes over to visit you.

* You were home alone and when you opened the door to see your friends, you couldn’t help but burst into tears because you couldn’t hear their excited voices to see that you’re fine.

* I do see Kirishima as the type to pull out his phone and ask you if you were okay through the notes app.

* You tell them back when you were grabbing the last dummy, you tripped and slammed your head into a large block of cement.

* Being the amazing boyfriend he is, he’s going to learn every possible way to speak to you.

* To sign language to even speaking as slow as he possibly can.

* He’s willing to do everything to make everything easier for you and to keep that gorgeous smile on your face.

* He knows how hard it is to lose something that you’re so used to having and it pains him to see you a tad bit depressed because you can’t hear him anymore.

* Just know he’s going to do anything that would seem impossible to help you through every step.

* This includes training, If you always relied on your ears he’ll help you try to find another way to smell a villain near you.

* He’s going to encourage you to keep going towards your dream and never give up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Izuku Midoriya

* His feet never ran so fast when you were found unconscious.

* During your first internship, You and Izuku were attempting to save Eri that day. Everyone was soon separated.

* When it seemed that it wasn’t going to be well, you sent him to go get Eri while you fought the villains with others.

* The mission was a success but came with painful consequences, You fought with a villain who was a tad bit advanced for you. You fought with all your might while the building warped and swirled.

* The last thing you could remember was the villain's backup appearing behind you and attacking you as everything became black.

* Luckily, One of the pro-heroes rushed over and defended you while their sidekicks quickly took you towards the medic.

* When Deku first found out, not even caring if he was injured or not. He wanted to see you. He wanted to make sure you were okay.

* It took him a while to see you and when he did, he was ecstatic to see you awake and responsive.

* He called your name but..you never responded, which confused him. He had to touch your shoulder, nearly giving you a heart attack as he asked what’s wrong and you just stared.

* Then, he knew..something was wrong.

* Upon finding this out, Izuku being the great and amazing guy he is will also take many precautions to learn to speak to you.

* His sign language is a tad bit rusty and sucks a bit, but give him a chance. He’s trying.

* In each conversation you two have, he’ll always make sure he’s speaking slow and you’re able to see his lips move.

* If he can’t speak or wearing a mask, he’ll either text you or type his words through his phone for you.

* He’s going to tell you that you should keep going on your fight to be a hero.

* Izuku will train with you and see if you two could discover a different method that you could use during battles.

* He will never give up on you and will always help you with your dreams.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Katsuki Bakugo

* Everything happened so fast that even HE couldn’t keep up.

* One minute, You were kicking ass, destroying every villain in your way.

* Even though the attack was extremely random and with the permission from the teachers to fight these villains who interfere with your training for the fifth time in a span of a few years.

* Hell, you had your hero’s license so you had the right to kick their asses.

* You stood up, cracking your neck and fists before punching another villain back to the ground.

* Katsuki saw the purple blur flash past him as a large Nomu appeared to your turned back.

* Before he could even react, his body ran you over. His corrupted face looked down at what he did as Bakugo’s anger boiled over the surface. He grabbed the villain he was originally fighting and launched him into the Nomo before blasting them with his explosion as hard as he possibly could.

* No one hurts you. No one.

* It took Kirishima, Denki, Izuku, and lastly, a time-limited All Might to get him off the Nomo who he SURPRISINGLY knocked out.

* Once he could relax, he walks to your dorm. When he knocks and you don’t answer, it makes him worried.

* He won’t kick the door down..but..knock it off the hinges and discovers you crying on the bed.

* All the banging, knocking he did and you didn’t react while he was standing in front of him, his heart instantly knew that damn Nomu did something to you.

* He already knew sign language, there’s no lie in that.

* He knows it because his quirk has nearly made him deaf at times and it was told that he’d lose it before he would have a chance to be a hero.

* After the attack, he’s always by your side. He corrects people who try to talk to you and demands that they use sign language or their phones. He hates when others talk fast to you as well.

* He’s like this because he wants to help you in every way he can.

* If you decide to be a hero, despite his warnings. He’s going to help you as much as he can. He’ll ask for help from hero’s who has the same disability as yours if not, he’s going to make a method of teaching you with your other senses.

* He may teach you how to use your sight more, smell, or touch to their full potential.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Iida Tenya

* It honestly hurts him every time he thinks about it, It shouldn’t have been that.

* He was supposed to protect you but he was separated from everyone else. You were with one of the members of Wild Wild Pussycats when Dabi attacked with his crew.

* You and Ragdoll were walking back after discussing your training in the morning when everything became extremely terrifying for you two.

* You and Ragdoll fought your best, almost moving in sync with each other Magne knew how to just send you flying into a tree each time.

* He created a negative force between you and Ragdoll when sent you two flying apart at a harsh force as you went flying into the woods and collided with a huge bolder.

* Blood dripped from your head as Ragdoll’s scream came to your ears while you reached out to help. Your knees touched the marshy land while your hand shook, pain rushing through your body.

* When the message came through, you passed out.

* Tetsutetsu and Itsuka discovered you and carried your body to safety away from all the chaos.

* When it was discovered that you were among the ones injured along with two missing individuals, It sent chills down his spine.

* Since you two just started dating and he was sure you and your parents wanted to spend time with each other, he wouldn’t come to see you in the hospital.

* It takes him over two weeks and when Aizawa needed someone to take his homework to your home. He immediately offered himself because he’s been dying to see you again.

* A jump, kick, and step later, he appeared at your door. You were checking the mail as he called out to you from a few feet away.

* You didn’t notice him and walked towards your home, not noticing his presence yet.

* He was taken back by your casualness while you walked to the door until he saw the hearing aid in your ear.

* That’s when he knows now why you didn’t react and just watches you walk away.

* One thing I do admire about this man, he’ll do anything when it comes to you. While he’s taking his brother to the physical therapy sessions for him.

* He’s learning every single possible way to talk to you. I mean every way.

* As strange as this may sound, he loves signing into your hand even though you’re not blind.

* It’s close contact and he adores that with you. For example, private things or him simply saying he loves you, he’ll sign it into your hand while everything else is out to the open.

* He often recommends to others and his friends that they speak slower with you so you can comprehend or try not to speak all at once.

* If you wish to continue your path to being a hero, he’s going to support you but he can’t help but constantly worry.

* The last time he let you go, you became deaf and he doesn’t want anything else to ever happen to you again. He wants to be your knight in white amour but he knows how you like to be independent too.

* Just don’t give this man a heart attack, please.

[philsmeatylegss]

wait no i’m gonna cry i just saw someone say clancy or the bishop or whatever broke those long light saber things after the bishops decided to stab him is a metaphor for breaking the cycle.

especially since we can probably guess this was written while jenna was pregnant or rosie was very young. i get “breaking the cycle” can apply to a lot of things but yk tyler rarely says what his lyrics mean because he wants us to have our own definition and that’s what at least this part symbolizes.

my parents fucked me up my because my parents’ parents fucked them up because their parents’ parents fucked them up (aka generational trauma). i started therapy really young to break this cycle. idk if i’ll have kids but even if i don’t, i’ll break the pattern in my family of fucking everyone up.

i never read the lyrics for this song and i just did and 1) this song also is fucking sad people need to shut up about sai being positive 2) it talks about being stuck in a cycle. and as i said, there’s tons of cycles he could be implying, but for me, it symbolizes breaking the cycle of trauma and avoidable mental illness.

the albums always have come out at a time that match up with my life. for me, blurryface was something that came along at the time where everything was so dark and i just needed to keep pushing through. that’s what blurryface did and still symbolizes for me. trench to me symbolizes getting better, getting out from the dark, but still long from freedom. the middle phase where i wasn’t drowning in sadness and anger and negativity and suicidal thoughts, but still had a lot of deep rooted issues. and sai came at a time where i started working to break the cycle. getting at deep rooted issues. my depression needed to be healed for me to get here, but it was very surface level. even if i’m not longer depressed, i still had many issues and now that the depression was gone, the immediate issues, i can finally address these issues. i also think that’s why i don’t love sai. being depressed and finally getting out of depression are very intense feelings and moments. but getting at these issues that will continue the cycle is slow and boring and a bit tedious. unsatisfying that after all your work, you still have so much more to do to have a healthy life. so that’s what this era is about for me and how it’s matching up to my life. ending the cycle. and though it’s not exciting as being depressed or just beating depression is, this is ultimately what will get me out of the cycle.

i joined the clique in 2016, the middle of the blurryface era. i was also violently depressed and suicidal in this era. that’s what the bf era represents to me. just hanging on and knowing it’s going to be okay. trench came out when i started to fully get out of depression and healing. that’s what the trench era symbolizes for me. finally beating this awful thing, but still not being in the clear. now the sai era is happening as i work to break the cycle. something that’s not as exciting. something that seems a bit unnecessary, but you got to do it.

for me, sai, especially the outside, is about breaking the cycle.

fuck this wasn’t meant to be long

[assortedpuzzlepieces]

Ok, I’m about to go off on a GIANT rant about a specific issue I have with John Winchester & how the show intentionally & canonically portrays him as an ableist, homophobic asshole through his portrayal by JDM, so buckle up.

For the record, this is something I’ve always believed, but after listening to podcast episodes from @otrsupernatural & Carrying Wayward, one super clear example of why has just snapped into place & I feel compelled to share it.

So I want to start by noting a couple things that stand out. First & foremost, I think JDM is an incredible actor & I think he brings his A game with his portrayal of John. John Winchester is undeniably an asshole, & yet JDM balances that so well against the idea of loving parent, to not only make the character more realistic, but also to give real authenticity & depth to the trauma his children experienced at his hands & answer why they act the way they do in regards to him as their parent.

John is someone who, on the surface, appears to be a loving and concerned father, who makes mistakes, but does so because he’s in shitty circumstances & doesn’t have a lot of options or has his own trauma to battle that limits the choices he believes he has.

However, the show also gives us other content that proves there is more to John than that caring but broken man from as early as S1 & into the beginning of S2, & this content screams the truth of his ableism & homophobia, & gives some really strong evidence as to why these are two of the primary struggles of his children through the end of the series.

To explain, we 1st have to look at characters from earlier in S1. In 1x10, Asylum, we are introduced to Dr. Ellicott. He is shown to be someone who is canonically ableist to people with MHI. He sees them as less human, he does unethical experiments on them, he tortures them, just, lots of gross stuff there. On top of that, we see him as a ghost using what appears to be electrical shocks to Sam & Dean to possess & harm them, which resembles electroshock. There are also strong echoes of conversion therapy in this episode.

After this, we have 1x12, Faith, where Sue Ann is using dark magic to attack & murder people she hates, which specifically includes a woman who was pro choice & a gay man. This not only shows that she was homophobic, but that she condemned sexual freedom & bodily autonomy for women as well, which is in relation to homophobia, as well as deeply rooted in misogyny.

So essentially, we are shown a doctor who tries to force people to be less mentally ill or queer by “curing” them, & then a woman who took it a step further & murdered them to “cleanse” the town. We are given two different, but very interwoven ways with which society has tried to get rid of queers & disabled people, & it’s not subtext, it’s literally stated.

Now, in the show, both Dr. Ellicott & Sue Ann are the villains, & while the show demonstrates their ableism & homophobia, it also clearly condemns them for those actions. They are both dead/gone by the end of the episode & their actions are shown as evil. This is SO important, especially for a show that has failed in other episodes to truly state what exactly is the problematic action in the episode (looking at you, Bugs & Route 666).

That said, if Dr. Ellicott & Sue Ann are villains, then we must also extrapolate that ableism & homophobia are intentionally being written as evil in the show, so other characters who demonstrate these actions are also bad. (Yes, I know I’m being super redundant right now, but I just want to be really damn clear on this to demonstrate why I believe John’s characterization is intentional).

Now, in 1x21, John finally “learns” about Sam’s psychic abilities, & I say that in quotes bc there’s reason to believe he knew about it already from Missouri & was just in denial until confronted with the evidence, at which point he has a very strong reaction. As Ali pointed out, it’s interesting that he has such a strong negative reaction, as he clearly doesn’t have an issue with Missouri as a psychic, & yet he’s upset about Sam being one. He demonstrates the mindset of “othering” people outside of his family, which is a common treatment of both people w/ MHI & queer people - the mentality that “those people” are fine in general, but “not my son/daughter/family/me”.

So here in that episode, we are already getting an attitude from him that clearly parallels ableism & homophobia, & that is on top of other comments he made that are clearly rooted in misogyny, like his “that’s my man” to Dean in the flashback in Something Wicked This Way Comes (1x18).

THEN - the final nail in the coffin is the “secret” he tells Dean before he dies in 2x1; that Dean needs to either save Sam or stop him. By now it’s crystal clear he views Sam as something “other”, something not fully human, & his response? It’s literally “cure or cleanse”. Either make him “normal” or get rid of him.

To repeat, John LITERALLY uses ableist & homophobic language & tactics towards him son because he is different, & also tries to force Dean to do the same, passing on that legacy, by trying to erase anything about Sam thats not his personal definition of “normal”, all out of FEAR of who his son is & what he might do.

And the show CONDEMNS this behavior from the very beginning, even before we ever see him act this way!! They make it clear that ableism & homophobia are BAD, show John act that way, & then condemn him AGAIN when Dean tells Sam & it is made clear to the audience that what John asked of him was wrong.

Like… holy fuck. There is literally no way I can watch this & not believe that his characterization was not 100% intentional with him being set up as a bad person & his actions as condemnable. It’s just not narratively possible. John Winchester was intentionally written to be an asshole & we are supposed to see him as one, & any love we see from him is only meant to validate the complicated feelings Sam & Dean have towards him, not undermine the knowledge that he is a bad person. It’s literally in the text.

*Edit - Im adding a point here, since it’s been brought to my attention. John’s concern about Sam being infected with demon blood & possibly corrupted does not detract from the parallel being made between his actions & those of IRL people who are homophobic or ableist. In fact, this is another argument for that in interpretation, & here is why -

For literal thousands of years, mental illness has been viewed as demonic. People w/ MHI were thought to be possessed, evil incarnations, or even just sinfully corrupt & given to wickedness. People w/ physical disabilities were believed to be punished for moral failings, not faithful enough, etc, etc. Queer people were believed to be sexually deviant, witches, destroyers of families, etc.

These beliefs carry across many religions, but especially Christianity, & are present even today in some more extreme sects. And the people that believed these things? Well many of them were parents who “loved” their child & were trying to protect them from evil by purifying them. They too believed they had valid fears & good reasons to torture, maim, & even kill their children.

So to anyone who would argue “well it’s not the same because John had a good reason to be afraid of Sam” - shut the fuck up, because no, he didn’t.

Sam hadn’t hurt anyone. He wasn’t doing anything worth killing him over. He was a good kid who was hurt by someone outside his control & yet he only started doing anything that was truly wrong when he was pushed to it by circumstances that were again, beyond his control, & only then bc he was trying to do what was right!!

Anyone would do that, not just a kid w/ some demon blood powers. So let’s not act like he was inherently dangerous just BC he was different, bc guess what? That’s part of that mindset too. Sam was a good fucking person & John seeing him as less was John’s failing, not Sam’s.

[neakco]

The Lost Temple Ch.6

Ao3 First Previous Next Masterlist

They may be trapped underground and separated from their friends, but at least they found the temple. Right?

Ch.6 Treasure?

Tim took no time in grabbing a light from his utility belt. He was about to look around for Marinette, he knew he saw her land okay, when his radio cracked to life.

 

“Rob, are you and the lady okay?”

 

“Yeah, we’re fine, but the ground seems to have collapsed. Think you can make an entrance with out touching the ground?”

 

“Probably, but from what I see, that cave in is all that’s keeping the roof above you from collapsing as well.”

 

Tim swore before finally looking to Marinette. She was looking around with a large spotted lantern, where the hell had she gotten that? Just something else to figure out later.

 

“Impulse, report. Where's the target?”

 

“They walked directly to you guys before the ground started shaking. I lost track of them after that. The magic telling me to go away is weaker but I think the ground swallowed them.”

 

Directly, that made no sense. How did they know? He was sure there weren’t any trackers on him or Marinette, well none he hadn’t placed. They only ones that had been alone at any point were Bart and Adrien. He trusted this Bart but the timing had been wrong for it to have been Adrien.  The only thing he could think of was that someone must have been nearby and when the magic weakened they were spotted.

 

“Impulse, I need you to pack up camp and ready our escape. I have a feeling we're going to need it.”

 

“On it.”

 

He walked closer to Marinette after that to try and discern what she was yelling at the ceiling…or maybe why.

 

“We're fine for now. We can always try and find this treasure and look for another way out.”

 

“Hate to intervene, but Impulse Reports that the enemy was last seen heading straight for us before being swallowed by the ground.”

 

He watched her face very carefully for any sign of betrayal. He was quite happy to see surprise, confusion, and anger flash through her eyes in a blink of time.

 

“No more choice.” She muttered suddenly before turning back to the ceiling and exclaiming, “Change of plans Chaton. Destroy it.”

 

Tim was about to ask for an explanation when he heard Kon swear before a large part of the ceiling just disintegrated.

 

A boy dressed as a parody of Catwoman graceful spun through the air before his staff extended to catch him and lower him down. Tim started to get into a defensive stance when Marinette disappeared in a flash of pink light and was replaced by a girl in spotted spandex.

 

“Surprise.”

 

Just like that everything clicked into place. Every small piece he had filed away as celestial weirdness made sense. Marinette and Adrien were Ladybug and Chat Noir, heroes powered by small gods. He remembered Diana warning them years ago that these heroes were the cosmic balance of the universe. Shit. “This is a Miraculous temple.”

Kon, who hand finally landed next time him actually gasped in surprise, he probably still remembered Diana's threats.

 

Both Parisian's had flinched at his words. Finally Ladybug sigh as Chat tossed his hands in the air, “Of course you know that! I swear you know everything.”

 

“Explanations later Kitty. We need to find this treasure before those others. They are likely somewhere in this temple and we don’t know if they are still tracking us somehow.”

 

Tim nodded. “You’re the embodiment of good luck and this is your temple, where are we going?”

 

He watched as she looked around before she saw or felt something they couldn’t and took off at a sprint. Tim had thought her fast before but now she moved as if even gravity didn’t slow her. In this labyrinth of stone it took everything he had to keep up.

 

Then the walls opened to reveal a beautiful chamber untouched by the ravages of time. There was no dust, no moss, every surface shone as if freshly polished to perfection. At the end of the room there was a glowing pedestal with something floating above it.

 

Kon laughed, “You guys think this is it?”

 

Tim smiled, “That or a trap.”

 

 

Marinette glanced back to the American heroes, “It is both.” She stepped forward a bit to grab Adrien's tail. “There are spells here to set off traps if any kwami come to close.”

 

She could see Red Robin studying them as they detransformed. “Just what is a kwami?”

 

“We are not a what, we are a who.” Marinette turned to see the tiny horse-like Kwami scolding Red Robin.

 

“Kaalki, that's rude, we talked about this.” Tikki came flying over to pull the other Kwami out of Red's face.

 

She could hear Plagg pulling a tin of cheese out of Adrien’s small bag and inhaling it. She sighed. “I promise I will explain when we have time. Can I ask you two to stand guard while we try to disarm the traps?”

 

Superboy shrugged and looked to Red Robin who in turned took a slow breath before nodding.

 

“If you are sure you have it handled.”

 

“If it comes it I can just toss Adrien as hard as possible towards the scroll.”

 

Superboy turned quickly towards Adrien at that, “you’re okay with that?”

 

Her loyal kitty smirked, “If it keeps working why should I ask her to stop?”

 

“You know what, never mind, you both need therapy.” He turned back towards the door.

 

“Bold of you to assume we haven’t tried it.” She laughed as she and Adrien started to poke at the pedestal.

 

She saw him stiffen slightly out of the corner of her eyes as Plagg landed on the poor man's head. She didn’t think much of it until she Plagg spoke up lazily.

 

“If I were you Pigtails I would hurry it up a bit. You are going to have company soon.”

 

She tried, but it was like a tangle of threads and wires. She needed to free one specific cord but to do so she needed to untangle several others. It was a nightmare and only went as well as it did because she had practice every time Plagg had gotten into her yarn.

 

Adrien grabbed the item on her signal and revealed it to be a scroll. They exchanged a worried glance before quickly opening it . She started to tremble, and she saw her kitty pale.

 

The scroll contained a spell to control the minds and will of Miraculous users.

 

“Those old bastards,” Adrien hissed, “We do this job and it isn’t just worries we won’t have anymore.”

 

Just as she opened her mouth to try to reassure him a bullet flew past her.  Looking up she saw a magical nexus confining Superboy and Red Robin nowhere to be seen, she felt him though, to her left. He had melded into the shadows.

 

“Drop the scroll and we let you go peacefully.”

 

Superboy seemed to growl, “Just why should we believe you?” She could see him straining against the magic. Just a few minutes longer and he could break free, it was meant to hold Kryptonians.

 

“We were hired by the Order of Miraculous. “ That had her attention, did those old men really… “Only a member of their order can use the power in that scroll, so no point in you keeping it.”

 

Adrien was muttering quiet curses as he roughly shoved the scroll into his bag.

 

“If what you say is true then we should be allies. The Order are the ones that hired us as well.”

 

The man laughed and she spotted a couple of his men with artifacts she recognized. They hadn’t been tracking them, they had been tracking magic, and her presence had amplified it enough for them to get a signal.

 

Tsk, “You really shouldn’t have said that girly.”

 

Oh good villain monologue, she liked those, gave her time to plan.

 

“Them monks warned us of some pretenders.”

 

She saw the magic on Superboy about to snap and smiled to Adrien.

 

“See, we’re to kill you on sight.”

 

“Spot's on!”

 

“Claws out!”

 

Just as they transformed the magic bindings snapped and the resulting light was enough to temporarily blind their opponents.

 

The men began to fire blindly but bullets were a poor weapon choice against the three powered heroes, one of which was completely invulnerable.

 

She stuck an arm out to stop Superboy from attacking as a small part of her prayed Red Robin was okay in this chaos.

 

Calmly through the storm of bullets she walked forward until she was close enough to grab Chat Noir's hand. They hadn’t done this often and never before had they used it on so many.

 

“I am Destruction, a true Guardian of the Miraculous. For your crimes against us your memories shall be destroyed.” He began to glow a powerful green.

 

Bullets were still being fired, magic artifacts were being triggered, but all dissolved in the green light.

 

“I am Creation, a true Guardian of the Miraculous. Since you were tasked to preform your crimes by others you shall be granted new memories to replace those destroyed.” She began glowing a fierce pink.

 

Then they spoke as one, “We are the chosen balance, our will is universal law.”

 

Their lights flared, combined , and took over the room. When it faded the men were gone and their transformations had faded.

 

Then their legs gave out and left them leaning on each other just to remain upright.

 

“Life with you is never boring M'lady.”

 

She chuckled before looking up to see Superboy and Red Robin staring.

 

She was glad that Red was okay but she couldn’t help but wonder where he had appeared from.

 

“What the ever loving fuck was that?” Red was pacing now. Is it bad she found it cute? “What did you do to them? What are you two?” He stopped and pointed at Adrien, “And what the hell is on that scroll?”

 

Adrien, her ever loyal yet sometimes useless kitty, just started laughing. She kind of wished he would share the joke, she could use the pick-me-up.

 

“If you stop yelling and sit so I don’t have to look up at you then I will gladly explain.” Was that a little harsh? Probably, but she was at the low end of energy now.

 

He took a deep breath before crouching like a gargoyle. It wasn’t quite sitting but she would take it. Superboy sat next to him, he looked a little lost. She would probably feel bad later.

 

“That was a ritual that can only be preformed by two guardian's that hold the black cat and ladybug miraculous. It works by temporarily combining the powers. This can in theory be done by one person wielding both miraculous , but that tends to throw the world into disarray, possibly even ending it.” She could remember that Wonder Women had warned the Justice League about the wish and its consequences so the concept shouldn’t be new.

 

“As for the men, they should be back at their camp. Any memory of finding us or the temple have been replaced by now. They will remember finding nothing but overgrown rubble.” She paused to take a breath and muster all the remaining energy she could into sounding confident. “As for who we are, we are Ladybug and Chat Noir, The true guardians of the miraculous and the gods inhabiting them.”

 

“And the scroll?”

 

“The scroll contains an ancient spell meant to be used if a miraculous user goes bad. It can take away the will and control the mind of anyone is possession of a miraculous.”

 

“Actually, it is dust.” She looked back with more energy than she thought she had to see Plagg with a beaming smile.

 

“You owe me so many Cheese pastries for this Pigtails. I have a list.”

 

“we can discuss it once our family is safe.”

 

Superboy cleared his throat to get their attention, “I don’t mean to be a downer,” he spoke softly, “but I think your light show sealed us in. I can’t see the hole he created anymore.”

 

Of course, to alter the memories they also had to alter reality, if someone was to come back there really would be nothing but overgrown rubble to find above ground. “Kaalki, may you please bring us to Impulse?”

 

“Is he famous?”

 

If she had more energy she might be angry, why couldn’t the tiny horse bend her weird rules just this once?

 

“Technically we all are.” Red Robin smiled at the kwami, “Impulse, Superboy and myself are member of Young Justice and known the world over.”

 

She was so thankful to the man for saving her an exhausting argument.

 

“Oh wonderful, It is a pleasure to meet you. I am Kaalki and I look forward to meeting this Impulse.” The kwami flew in an excited circle before addressing Red Robin again, “Would any if you happen to be unattached and looking for courtship?”

 

“Not now Kaalki!” Why? Why did all the kwami like to embarrass her?

 

“Very well my guardian. Please make note that I believe the red one to be most suitable for you.”

 

She felt her cheeks heat up and hoped it was dark enough that no one other than Tikki or Adrien could tell.

 

“The portal Kaalki.”

 

Portals opened up under all of them and dropped them from the ceiling of the escape vehicle. She wasn’t sure if it was an airplane or a weird space ship, but she did know that Kaalki was not getting any sugar for a long time. The kwami had purposely dropped her on top of Red Robin.

 

She knew she should get off the man but she was completely out of energy now. She thinks she managed to apologize but honestly the only thing she could think while drifting off to sleep was that all in all everything was working out okay.

Just the epilogue after this. I hope you have enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing.

Taglist @toodaloo-kangaroo

[ultimatebethylficlist]

Veteran Author of The Month: June 2021

The featured veteran author for June is also a co-admin right here at UBFL: SquishyCool (or @im-immortal )!

SquishyCool can be found on AO3 and FFN under the same penname.

When asked what got her into Bethyl and what the fandom means to her, she said:

I’ve been a hardcore TWD fan since the show began airing, but that’s because of my love for zombies. In all honesty, I didn’t really ship anyone for the first 3-4 seasons. I kind of shipped Daryl with Carol, but then it became clear that it was a platonic relationship and in all honesty, I just wanted to see them both get some action lmao. Then the prison fell... and in those first moments of “Still,” when we see Beth and Daryl running and running and finally collapsing on the ground, breathless and exhausted... the butterflies started. Something clicked and I immediately thought, “uh oh.” The rest is history, especially considering how “Still” and “Alone” played out. I can’t explain how or why I’m still so heavily invested, especially considering my last 2 fandoms only kept my attention for about 2-3 years each, but here I am. And I love it! I am so incredibly grateful for the Bethyl fandom because not only has it helped me improve my writing so much more than I ever could have imagined, but it has also introduced me to some of the most amazing people, including someone who I now consider one of my very best friends! It’s my happy place :)

For her personal fic rec list, she recommends:

In The Maw by ronsparkyspeirs

Way Down We Go by LeathernLaces

Surfacing by lindentree

Wild Things (The Moonshine Poet) by Abelina

The Gift by Feliz

The Man Who Can't Be Moved by burningupasun

New Experiences Series by wallflow3r

Whisper Softly to Me by taylorcatherine

Interstice by leftmywingshome

To Love Like a Man by Seraphique

Death, Death (i defy thee) by alamorn

In My Blood by Courtneyshortney82

Let the Good Times Roll by gutsforgarters

Resolved by Allatariel

the weight of these wings by peachthorns

all my spaces are filled with you by annabeth_writes

A Little Jailbreak with the Little Jailbait by wandering_gypsy_feet

between the beginning and the end by sheriffandsteel

SquishyCool’s Works & Personal Thoughts:

Dirty Fingernails and Dried Blood Summary: What happened during the months between "Still" and "Alone"? Beth uses the last pages of her diary to write down every detail of surviving with Daryl. Thoughts: My first Bethyl fanfic. It holds a special place in my heart for that reason, though it is pretty rough. If I could go back, I never would’ve done it entirely in first-person. But I do plan to finish it one day. There are some scenes I’m particularly proud of, and I still have a long note full of ideas and plot points.

Most Wanted Summary: After Beth’s mother and half-brother are murdered in a drug war, the godly veil on the Greene Family operation is lifted, and law enforcement comes down hard. In an effort to protect her family, Beth commits a heinous crime that could mean life in prison alongside them. Now everyone she’s ever trusted is in police custody and her only chance at freedom is to get as far away from Atlanta as she can... Thoughts: Well, this is a must-read if you like my writing. I hope to one day convert this into an original fiction and maybe get it published, but I need to finish it first LOL. I got the idea from ONE scene of “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt,” and from there, it exploded into a huge mystery thriller (with lots of romance and smut). I’m really really proud of it, and I’m scared I’ll fuck it up tbh, so I keep putting off continuing it. But I really need to get back to it because I really want people to see what I have planned! (Also, this fic is the reason @courtneyshortney82​ started talking to me, so that alone is pretty historic lmao)

The Crow’s Song Summary: Beth and Daryl spend a few more days together in the funeral home and come to terms with all they've lost along the way. But soon, they must decide what comes next. Thoughts: This fic... this fucking fic. It took me a full year to write. I made numerous edits. I even got a little depressed while I was writing the last two chapters, and my bf didn’t know why until he read what I’d been writing lol. It’s honestly the Bethyl fic I’ve always wanted to write but just didn’t know how. I’m still really really proud of how it turned out.

Carnival Games Summary: Daryl is a traveling carnival worker and Beth is a barely legal farmer's daughter looking for a night of fun when the carnival comes to town. Thoughts: Omg this fic is so fun!! One of my first Bethyl fics, and one of my first Bethyl smut fics. Short, sweet, a little funny, and a lot hot. I am still impressed with myself on this one, especially considering how much my writing has improved since lol

Breathe. Please. Summary: Beth shows up at the Hilltop. Alive. Daryl can hardly believe his eyes. Until she's lying in his bed, an arm's reach away. And he can hear her inhaling... exhaling... inhaling... Thoughts: Another “fix-it” that I’m proud of. Tbh I didn’t think it was anything all that special, but a lot of readers have said it’s one of their favorites, and some say they reread it regularly, and nothing makes me happier than hearing that, so I am extremely proud.

picking @ scabs Summary: Sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, being with them just isn't right. But what wouldn't you give for it to be right? Can someone like Daryl learn how to swallow his pride and stop repeating the same mistakes over and over? Can someone like Beth learn to fight off her demons and allow him to get close enough to hurt her again? How can they stay away from each other when it's all too easy to fall back into one another? Picking a scab will leave a scar, but they both have so many scars already... what's a few more? Thoughts: This fic is very, very personal for me. It’s like my “therapy” fic. I have poured some of my deepest feelings and struggles into its chapters, and the whole idea that got me to start it was that I wanted to find a way to navigate and cope with ending my 3-year long relationship with my emotionally/mentally/sometimes physically abusive ex. I still have a lot of fond memories from that relationship, but even more so, I have painful memories. Not to mention, going through your early 20s as a woman in the modern day is a fuckin’ trip, so this kind of explores that. It’s really self-indulgent, I think, but I’m really proud of the smut in it. And more than that, I’m proud of the response. I’ve had a few people message me or comment to say that they’ve felt all those things, or have experienced similar things, and it’s really just... relieving. I put my heart and soul out there, and what I got back was “you’re not alone.” So yeah, this fic is special. I wanna finish it soon, but I have to be in A Mood to do so. 

In Toto Corde Summary: Despite a million reasons not to, Beth and Daryl fell in love. Then he made the ultimate sacrifice in order to keep all of his promises. Now, facing unimaginable consequences at the hands of witch hunters, Beth has no choice but to use her powers to bring Daryl back from the dead. "He won't be the same..." Thoughts: I LOVE THIS FIC. I love it so much that I had to rewrite it after like 4 or 5 years. And I already started on a sequel that I really hope I’m able to finish. Though it doesn’t have many hits, and I don’t think many people have read it at all, which I understand since it basically is entirely focused around Daryl being killed. But damn, I’m proud of this one, and it was really fucking fun to write because witch!Beth is just... the best.

risk it all (part 1 of in for a penny, in for a pound) Summary: Daryl Dixon has a pretty decent life, all things considered. He's got his own place. A good dog. A few friends. Even a girlfriend. He keeps himself out of trouble. Until he starts texting Beth Greene. And hell, if he ain't about to risk it all for this damn girl. Thoughts: This was supposed to be one short multichapter fic focused entirely on smut and social media. Then I got on a roll and it ended up being the beginning of a series! This fic is purely fun. Nothing too serious or heavy. I write it when I’m in a Good Mood because it’s my little happy place. I have plans for about 4 more fics before the series will be finished!

Don’t Make Me Haunt You Summary: So here's the thing: Merle Dixon is dead as fuck. And as it turns out, Beth Greene is the only one who can see or hear him. Which is weird considering she's never met or even heard of this guy, let alone anyone with the last name Dixon. That's her first problem... Thoughts: The reception to this fic has absolutely blown me away. I had no idea anyone would want to read about ghost!Merle haunting Beth and forcing her to solve his murder with the help of his grumpy brother. And it was all inspired by an episode of South Park lmao then I started really getting into it and now it’s just like, my super fun fic where I explore a range of emotions and all kinds of religious beliefs and different mythologies and I can build the world however I want and goddamn I just love writing this fic. Plus there’s a podfic for it! I can’t even begin to explain how much I love this fic and how proud I am of it :)

[suituuup]

pieces - chapter ten

Five years ago, Chloe dropped off the face of the Earth. Beca didn’t expect to see her again dancing in a strip club, out of all places.

rated: E (drug use and emotional abuse in early chapters)

ao3 link

*

The knock at the door made Chloe jolt. 

Aubrey was here, and Chloe was a nervous wreck. Even if Aubrey had shown nothing but support in the texts they had exchanged over the last couple of months, Chloe was bracing herself for judgment. It had become her default setting over the last couple of years, to always expect people to think the worst of her. 

It turned out Aubrey couldn’t make it for dinner that weekend and instead offered lunch on the following Monday, so Beca was currently at work. Meeting her alone made Chloe even more nervous; Beca had become her rock, her lifeline over the past couple of months, and someone Chloe actually trusted, and she would have been more comfortable with her being present. 

She wiped her hands on her apron and padded to the door, sucking in one last deep breath before pulling it open.  Her friend looked the same as Chloe remembered her, except for her hairstyle, which evolved into a neat bob and matched the lawyer persona well.

“Hey Chlo,” Aubrey greeted softly, eyes soft and smile shy. 

“Hi,” Chloe breathed out when she remembered she should say something, blinking. 

Before Chloe could step aside, Aubrey stepped forward and pulled Chloe into a loose hug. Chloe’s first reaction was to tense for a brief moment, eventually wrapping her arms around Aubrey’s back, in turn, her shoulders relaxing as she exhaled. 

“Thanks for having me over,” Aubrey said as she backed away.

Chloe nodded with a small smile and took a step back to let Aubrey through. “Come on in. I uh-- I made chicken pasta. Do you still like that?” 

Cooking had been one of the activities Chloe had rekindled with since finishing rehab. Following a recipe was a good distraction from her cravings. 

“I do. Sounds yummy.” 

“You-- you’ve been here before, I imagine?” Chloe asked as she shut and locked the door behind them, leading Aubrey to the main room.

Aubrey shrugged off her jacket. “A few times, yes. I think the last time was for Beca’s birthday last September.” 

Chloe nodded once more, then remembered her manners. “Can I offer you anything to drink?” She asked as she padded to the fridge. “We have water, flat or sparkling, coke and fanta.” 

“Sparkling water is good,” Aubrey said as she perched herself on a stool, resting her chin over her propped-up hand. “How’s it been living with Beca?” 

“Good,” Chloe replied as she reached for two water glasses in the cupboards, the water bottle in her other hand. “She’s been really amazing with trying to make me feel at home. It’s weird though because I can’t pay rent or groceries. I still feel like I’m taking advantage of her generosity.”

Aubrey hummed. “I get that. But you’re not. Beca wouldn’t offer all those things if she felt like you were taking advantage. And we all know you’re not. You’re getting back on your feet and could use all the help you can get, which I’m sure Beca is happy to give.” 

Chloe took a deep breath and nodded. She uncapped the bottle and poured some water into both drinks. 

“How have you been feeling otherwise?” Aubrey questioned then. 

Chloe shrugged, breaking eye-contact. “It’s been a real rollercoaster, to be honest. Somedays I feel fine, other days it feels like I’m drowning. If it weren’t for Beca’s support or--” The baby, which she had yet to tell Aubrey about. She swallowed, forcing herself to meet her friend’s gaze. “A few days before the end of rehab, I found out that I was pregnant.” 

Aubrey blinked twice in slow succession, much like Beca had done. “You are? I mean--” 

“I’m keeping it,” Chloe cleared up before Aubrey could attempt to reword her question. “I know it probably sounds crazy and irresponsible given my situation and who the father is, I--” 

“I think you’re going to make an amazing mom, Chlo,” Aubrey murmured before Chloe could finish. “And yes, your situation is tricky right now, but it won’t forever be that way. And the father might be a dick whose balls should be fed to wolves, but you and I both know that a  baby sharing your genes can’t be evil.” She tilted her head to the side. “Are you going to tell him?” 

Chloe froze. She hadn’t dared broach the subject with her therapist for fear of her telling a judge, and she didn’t know what she was allowed or not allowed to do. “Do I… have to? I mean, legally?”

Aubrey shook her head. “No, you don’t have any obligations to. The father’s name on the birth certificate can be left blank, and that means Marco will have no rights over the child.” 

Chloe nibbled on her bottom lip as she processed that information. “What if he finds out? Can he get custody?” 

“He’ll have to submit a petition to the court through a lawyer in order to have a DNA test done,” Aubrey explained. “After that, a judge decides if he has the right to have custody, but I really don’t see how he could, given his track record. I had a friend at the precinct look him up, and he’s been convicted several times for drug dealing and violence.” 

Relief swept over Chloe upon hearing that. The thought of Marco having any influence on that child gave her nightmares. “Okay. Good.” She cleared her throat when her brain caught up with the rest of Aubrey’s sentence. “I didn’t know he was a criminal.” But she wasn’t surprised, now. “I wouldn’t have-- he was really good to me at the beginning, and by the time his true personality surfaced, I had nowhere to go.” 

“He was toxic,” Aubrey said as she nodded. “A manipulator. He probably loved the hell out of you at first, bombarded you with sweet messages and calls and flattery? And little by little, the connection faded and you started to feel meaningless? Unworthy?” 

Chloe could only nod faintly, because Aubrey had just put into words what her relationship with Marco felt like, without Chloe telling her any of that stuff. 

“I come across so many people with the same profile in my job, and the victims, men or women, always blame themselves. But they shouldn’t. You shouldn’t.” 

Her therapist had already told Chloe that many times, but Chloe’s default thinking made it hard to grasp that. Being with Marco felt like chaos reigned in her head, her emotions, her body, her life, and he found a way to make her believe it was her own fault. 

Chloe mustered a soft smile, feeling more than ready to stop talking about that for now. “Should we eat?” 

The conversation thankfully transitioned to easier subjects. Chloe caught up on the last six years of Aubrey’s life, feeling a little lighter and more at ease around her friend now that it was clear Aubrey held no grudge or judgment towards Chloe for cutting her out of her life. They found themselves reminiscing about their college days, two hours zipping by without Chloe once thinking about her cravings. 

“I’m just a call away, alright?” Aubrey said as she slid her jacket back on. “And if you ever want to come to Boston for a weekend, I have two guest bedrooms.” 

A genuine smile spread across Chloe’s lips as she nodded. “I’d love that.” Chloe was the one to initiate the hug this time, letting it linger. “Thank you for coming down, Bree.”

Aubrey smiled back. “It was my pleasure. See you soon, Chloe.” 

Bean’s thirteen-week-check-up took place the following day. Chloe was set on having as many tests done as possible at this stage, with an NT scan to help assess the baby’s risk of having complications such as Down syndrome, other chromosomal abnormalities, and major congenital heart problems, as well as full blood work to rule out cystic fibrosis and Tay-Sachs.

Bean passed their scan with flying colors, much to her relief. The heartbeat was strong, and 

Bean’s features were unmistakably human this time around; Chloe could make out Bean’s head and their nose and the round belly and tiny feet.

She went home with three pictures, and Beca insisted one should go up on the fridge. 

The following month was punctuated with more therapy, NA meetings, and the visit to Oregon. Chloe felt more at home in Beca’s apartment with each passing day, though she tried her best to stay out of the way whenever Sarah was over. 

On the day of their departure, Chloe was beyond grateful Beca agreed to come with her, as telling her parents the truth felt incredibly daunting. 

They landed in Portland a little after four that Thursday, renting a car to drive the two hours to Newport, where Chloe’s childhood home was located. As Beca parked the car in her parents’ driveway, Chloe was rooted to her seat with nerves. 

Beca’s hand on her leg snapped her out of it. “Hey.” Chloe turned her head to the left, meeting Beca’s soft eyes. “Breathe. In and out.” 

Nodding, Chloe inhaled deeply through her nose and released the air through her mouth, closing her eyes. She reached for the door handle next and stepped out, swallowing thickly as she let her leaned legs carry her to the front door. She pressed the doorbell and stepped back, instinctively reaching for Beca’s hand. 

Her mom appeared on the other side a handful of seconds later, and she engulfed Chloe into a hug before Chloe could even utter anything. 

“Hi mom,” she croaked out, her eyes fluttering shut as she released Beca’s hand to hug her back tightly, basking into the instant comfort being in her mom’s arms brought her. 

Alice pulled away but kept Chloe at arms’ length, her gaze sweeping over her features. “It’s so good to see you, baby.” Her focus shifted to Beca, and she embraced her next, keeping it a bit shorter. They had met each other before when her parents flew to Atlanta for Chloe’s graduation. “Welcome to our home, Beca.”

“Thanks, Mrs. Beale.” 

Chloe’s mom glared playfully, tutting. “It’s Alice to you. Come on inside.” 

They stepped into the house, a smell Chloe knew well drifting from the kitchen: her dad’s famous lasagna, Chloe’s favorite. 

“Hey Chlobear,” her dad greeted as soon as they rounded the corner, smile bright and eyes sparkling as he sat in his electric wheelchair by the couch. 

Tears pricked behind Chloe’s eyes, and she crossed the distance between them, bending down to hug him. His working arm drifted up to snake around her back. “Hi, Dad,” she whispered, emotions trapping her voice in her throat. “I’m so happy to see you.” 

“Me too, sweetheart,” he murmured, his own voice wavering. “I made your favorite. Well, your mom made your favorite under my supervision, ‘cause she would have messed it up otherwise.” 

“Hey,” Chloe’s mom objected, drawing a chuckle from both Chloe and her dad. 

Chloe straightened, hitching her thumb over her shoulder. “You remember Beca, right?” 

“Of course I do,” Mike confirmed as he made his chair go forward, then extended his hand. “How are you, Beca?” 

“Hello Mr. Beale,” Beca greeted, shaking his head. “It’s nice to see you again.” 

“You, too. And it’s Mike. No Mr. Beale around this house.” 

Beca laughed, nodding. “Got it, Mike.” 

“I hope you guys are hungry, we’ve made enough food to last us until next month,” Mike commented as he moved towards the table. 

After freshening up, she and Beca sat at the table just as Alice pulled the lasagna out from the oven, then grabbed the salad and the wine bottle from the counter. 

“Wine, Beca?” She asked, holding up the bottle. 

“I’m good, thanks, though.” 

Chloe glanced at her. “You can have some if you want.” 

Beca shook her head, smiling softly as she unfolded her napkin and draped it across her lap. “I’m okay, I promise. Water’s fine.” 

Chloe caught her parents sharing a confused look over the exchange, and she cleared her throat, knowing it was probably best to get this over with. “Mom, you should probably sit down.” 

Concern creased a frown on Alice’s forehead as she set the bottle down and lowered herself next to Chloe’s dad. “What’s going on, Chloe?” 

Chloe took a deep breath, and she felt Beca’s hand cover her own under the table. She flipped hers over and wrapped her fingers around Beca’s, grateful for the grounding contact. “I um--” she swallowed, unable to figure out where to start even though she had practiced her speech countless times leading up to their visit. 

Shame and guilt rushed through her, digging their claws into her heart and lungs, making it harder to breathe. 

“Chloe,” her mother’s voice pierced through the buzzing in Chloe’s ears. Chloe looked up from her plate, finding soft eyes. “Whatever it is, you can tell us.”

Chloe closed her eyes and sucked in a sharp breath, forcing herself to own up to her situation by looking at her parents while she spoke. “I have a drug problem. Had. I’m--I’m in recovery. I got out of rehab a couple of months ago.” 

A heavy silence settled over the room as Mike and Alice processed the news. Chloe felt like bolting out of the house as she watched her dad swallow thickly, and her mom’s jaw-dropping. She felt a squeeze to her hand and remembered to breathe. 

“Oh Chloe,” her mom whispered and got up to sit in the vacant chair on the other side of Chloe, taking her other hand as she tilted her head to the side. “How long have you been struggling?” 

Chloe cleared her throat. “About five years. I never-- I never graduated from vet school. I dropped out.” 

Her father frowned, his mouth moving wordlessly for a few beats. “But-- the money you gave us for my treatment every month?” 

“I was a stripper,” Chloe admitted quietly. “That’s how I got introduced to cocaine. How I met Marco. How I... made so much money.” She was hit by an array of emotions -- shame, fear, and somehow, relief -- right then, and a sob burst out from her throat before she could reign it in. “I’m s-sorry I lied to you for so long.” She released Beca’s hand to cover her mouth, her body shaking as she crumbled under the weight of her feelings. 

She didn’t fight it when her mom pulled her into her arms, rubbing her back in slow circles and whispering reassuring words into her ear. “It’s okay, sweetie. Breathe. We love you. No matter what.” 

It took a few minutes for Chloe to be able to get her breathing under control, straightening when she did and taking the tissue Beca offered her. 

“You must have a lot of questions,” she murmured, licking her dry lips. She still had the baby bomb to drop, but one thing at a time. Thankfully she wasn’t showing that much yet, and her large hoodie kept her small bump concealed. 

“Thank you for telling us,” her father murmured, and Chloe saw him wipe a tear away when she looked up. “I can’t imagine how hard that must be, as for deciding to seek help.” 

“I’m sorry I didn’t do it before. I was ashamed and lost and--” she shrugged. “I wasn’t myself.” 

“How are you feeling now?” Her mom asked softly, pushing Chloe’s hair behind her ear. “You said it’s been two months since rehab?” 

Chloe nodded, sniffling. “Ups and downs. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for Beca. She’s the one who encouraged me to get help, who paid for rehab, continued paying for your treatment, and I’ve been staying at her place while I get back on my feet.” 

Both her parents’ focus shifted to Beca, gratitude swirling in their eyes. 

“She’s been incredibly strong and responsible,” Beca said, smiling softly. “Hasn’t missed a therapy session or NA meeting since getting out of rehab.” 

“And this Marco…” her dad trailed off in a questioning tone. 

“He’s out of my life. He wasn’t a good person, but I failed to realize that.” 

“More like he hid it well,” Beca corrected gently. Chloe met her eyes. “Remember what Aubrey and your therapist said about how you didn’t have to blame yourself for that?” 

Chloe nodded. “Right.” 

“Did he… hurt you?” Mike asked next, a tremor in his voice as he seemed to brace himself for the answer. 

“Not physically.” It wasn’t exactly the truth, but Chloe didn’t think that slap was worth mentioning. “Just… emotionally. He knew how to get into my head, and the drugs didn’t help. They have this funny way of having you believe whatever it wants you to. Logic and reason no longer existed for me when I was at my lowest. I was ashamed of lying to you every time we spoke on the phone, but the paranoia over you not wanting to talk to me again if I told you was stronger.” 

She was sure her dad had a lot more questions and probably wondered if his treatment and their financial problems pushed Chloe into taking that job, but he remained silent, clearly mulling everything over. 

“We could tell you looked tired every time we called, but we never…” Alice trailed off, shaking her head as a few tears rolled down her cheeks when she blinked. “I’m so sorry.” 

“No,” Chloe croaked out, having feared this: her parents blaming themselves. Her heart felt incredibly heavy as she sandwiched her mom’s hand between her own, glancing at her dad briefly. “I don’t want you guys to feel guilty and think that you should have noticed. I hid it well, especially the first few years. Then it sort of derailed, that’s why I stopped visiting. Please don’t apologize.” 

“Did you take that job because you felt like you had to help us?” Her dad asked, just as Chloe had predicted. “With my treatment?” 

Chloe took a deep breath. “I took it because NYC was expensive and I was struggling a bit with rent. And when your health worsened, I asked for more shifts to help out.” She didn’t want to get into what she was asked to do for more money. She couldn’t. Her dad would be eaten away by guilt if he knew how much of a toll working in the VIP room took on her. The whole truth would hurt him more than a small lie. “It’s when I started doing drugs that everything fell apart. It’s not on you, dad. I promise.” 

Mike swallowed and ran his hand over his face as he visibly tried to keep a hold on his emotions. “You’re my daughter, you shouldn’t have had to provide for me, or to put yourself first.” 

“Dad, please,” Chloe whispered, feeling her throat shrinking. “I wanted to help. I just… made bad choices and met the wrong people. It’s not your fault.” Her eyes found her dad’s. “Please tell me you believe that?” 

Her father remained silent for a stretch as he stared at her. He eventually offered a faint nod, but Chloe wasn’t sure if he was being honest. 

Her mom reached up to wipe her tears away, sniffling. “What… what can we do to help you through your recovery?” 

“Being part of my support system, like you unknowingly have since I got out of rehab,” Chloe murmured with a small smile. “And dealing with more of my visits,” she added, knowing they would both be all for that.

“You are always welcome to move back here, Chlo. For as long as you want,” she offered. 

“I…” she cleared the rising lump in her throat as she briefly glanced down to her lap. “There’s something else that I need to tell you.” Another deep breath. “I’m four months pregnant. With Marco’s baby. But he’s not going to be involved. I’m going to raise them on my own.” 

There. Everything she was ready to share was out there in the open, and Chloe felt incredibly lighter, despite her heartbeat picking up as her parents once again fell silent. She really couldn’t blame them, after everything she had just dumped on them. 

“I know it’s a lot,” she added, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “And I know my decision to keep it might come across as strange, but I couldn’t get rid of it, and this baby is giving my life purpose again because I want to be a better person for them.” 

“I think you are incredibly brave,” Alice said after a little while, reaching out to catch a tear falling on Chloe’s cheek with the side of her pointer finger. “And I’m failing to find words to express how proud of you I am.” 

Chloe sniffled, wiping her nose with the back of her hand as her gaze met her dad’s once more. She could tell he needed more time to work through everything, and maybe they could talk about it some more the next day, once he had slept over it. 

“That kid is going to be the most spoiled grandchild of all Newport,” he joked with a soft smile, his words loosening the nerves in Chloe’s stomach.

Chloe released a watery giggle. “I love you guys.” 

“We love you, too, Chlobear,” her dad murmured, and after embracing her mom tightly, Chloe stood up and rounded the table to hug her dad. 

They eventually dug into dinner, the conversation shifting to the baby, whether it was okay, what the risks there were, when was her due date... Her parents offered to turn the office into a nursery if Chloe wanted to move back in with them, to which Chloe answered that she would think about it. She had been concerned about how much the pregnancy and having a newborn baby around would affect Beca’s life and her relationship with Sarah, and this would be another alternative to which Chloe needed to give some serious thought. 

Chloe and Beca headed upstairs shortly after dinner, both feeling exhausted as their mind and body were three hours ahead. After showing Beca to the guest room, Chloe changed into her pajamas and washed up for bed, knocking on Beca’s door on her way back to her own bedroom. 

She pushed it open upon hearing a soft come in, finding Beca lying on top of the comforter, already changed in her sleeping wear. 

“You okay?” She asked, smiling as Chloe sat down on the edge of the mattress. “That went pretty well.” 

“Yeah, I…” she swallowed, shaking her head in leftover awe. “I have amazing parents. I didn’t think they would be so understanding.” 

“Of course they’re amazing. They raised you.” 

Chloe bowed her head as blush bloomed in her cheeks. She cleared her throat. “I think my dad is a bit shaken up and part of him feels to blame, but I’m hoping he and I can talk some more tomorrow.” 

Beca nodded. “Yeah. I think that’s a good idea.” 

Chloe let out a small sigh, and she reached out to squeeze Beca’s hand. “Thanks again for coming here with me.” 

“Not a problem. I’m hoping you’ll show me around the town at some point, take me to your favorite spots.” 

“We can definitely do that tomorrow,” Chloe agreed, her smile genuine. “Goodnight, Bec.” 

“Night Chloe. Night Bean.”

[sunflowerdigs]

Bathena, Athena, Sinkholes, and the general direction I see the rest of the season going for most of the firefam*

I'm not saying that a sinkhole is the perfect metaphor for a relapse that goes undetected for a long time only to have devastating consequences when it finally shows itself, but...it is. The road appears completely solid until it collapses under pressure, at which point the damage that has been building until that point becomes all too clear.

Alternatively, rather than representing actual drug use, the quietly crumbling street could easily be a metaphor for resolve crumbling under external pressure prior to the relapse itself. Pressure like, for instance, Athena's anguish over the rapist and Harry getting kidnapped and Bobby...not really having a clear role in those things beyond support because he isn't Harry's dad and Athena doesn't like to be vulnerable and ask for help. Bobby's initial feelings about the kidnapping in 5x03 were so uncharacteristically explosive, I can't help but think there was more to it than fear. It was a hard situation for him because Harry is his son but he also isn't and Michael became Athena's partner in helping to find their son while Bobby went back to work. And since the kidnapping, there has been no room for Bobby to air any of his feelings about it. And I'm sure he has many, but first and foremost, he wants to provide absolutely stalwart support for Athena (adfggdg...if they ever break up, love is dead to me).

I think it's possible that the real resolution to Athena's arc won't come until the end of the season when she is forced to confront, through Bobby's relapse, the damage that she does to the people around her when she preaches vulnerability to others but doesn't practice it herself. Just like the rapist's first victim was Harry and he escalated to Bobby, I think Harry's spiral will be the precursor to Bobby's much larger one, which will have much higher stakes and which will force Athena into the kind of self-reflection that she will only scratch the surface of while trying to help Harry. Bobby cannot be vulnerable in the relationship if Athena isn't and if Bobby is to survive as a former addict, vulnerability and honesty are key. He has to feel like Athena will love him at his lowest (I'm about to start quoting A Raisin in the Sun, but that might be premature...) and seeing Athena unable to do anything but lash out when she feels vulnerable probably won't give him that security.

(Imo, this could also tie in nicely to Madney - instead of lashing out, Maddie runs away when she feels vulnerable, but the theme is the same. Additionally, storytellers like to do things in threes and there hasn't been any groundwork laid for strife between Hen and Karen or Michael and David. I could be wrong about that, something could come up. But right now what I'm seeing is three specific characters who have, from day one, dealt badly with vulnerability - Athena lashes out, Maddie runs, and Buck self-flagellates. Whether it's Taylor or Eddie who helps Buck deal with his piece of this, YMMV, but given the small size of Taylor's role and the larger themes involved here, imo it's more likely that the two sets of threes are Athena/Buck/Maddie and Bobby/Eddie/Chim).

Anyway, I think this might be the episode where Bobby's relapse starts to rear its head. Just a thought based on the themes and the fact that Athena will likely start therapy next episode, so I don't know that the sinkhole is in time to be a metaphor for her (but maybe it is? I could be super wrong, I'm just spitballing. But. Maddie's breakdown happening at the start of S5, Bobby's happening in the middle directly after stress is placed on his relationship with Athena, and Buck's happening close to the end of the season, after he's been called on to sort of hold up the sky as all of his monuments to strength crumble around him...makes sense to me).

*by Fallout Boy

[rufousnmacska]

This started as a late night-waiting for my laundry to get done-reading too many acosf posts on tumblr brain storm that I sent to @propshophannah and @itach-i and they helped expand on it.

Here’s what I wish the next two books were about** —

Acotar 5 is a spies/enemies to lovers book featuring Mor. It’s mostly set while she is doing whatever she was doing in Vallahan during acosf. On the surface she’s there to make an alliance. But really, she’s spying and gathering all the info she can about Koschei. To do this she pretends a friendship with Vallahan’s spymaster. That their spymaster is a beautiful, mysterious female is not a problem. Until Mor realizes the flirting has become serious and is no longer a game. Maybe they succumb to the attraction, but it’s “just sex.” While Mor tries to navigate her growing feelings for the female, she’s trying to gather intel on koschei, the real villain behind almost everything she and her friends have endured. Maybe the spymaster is the king’s daughter and as she grows closer to Mor and realizes how dangerous koschei is (and her father for wanting to ally with him) she goes against her training, her kingdom, and family and helps Mor find what she needs. That’s when Mor knows she can trust her and admits her feelings. It ends with Mor returning to the Night Court with her intel, and her girlfriend helping to get allies against koschei on the continent. During the book, when she’s traveling back and forth to the NC and realizing she loves this female, she gains the confidence to address the thing with Cassian and Az and there’s some resolution to it.

Maybe we get a novella in between. I honestly don’t know what it could be about. Az gets therapy so he’s in a place to be in a relationship with someone? Or we get some backstory to actually make koschei a multidimensional villain? Or an Eris/Lucien story and that sets up where they are at the start of book 6?

Acotar 6 is a multi-POV book like KoA where they go up against koschei. Feysand and the baby stay home (their dumbass death pact makes their direct involvement impossible), maybe Amren too (solely because she annoyed me in acosf lol.) So we’ve got: Nesta, Cassian, idk maybe some Illyrians and a unit of Valkyrie (with Gwyn and Emerie, who now officially wield two of Nesta’s made blades while she has the sword and dread trove), Mor who meets up with her girlfriend, Jurian, Vassa, Lucien, Elain, and Az. Maybe Eris, who is now high lord of Autumn after he helps his mom kill Beron. Lucien’s real parentage has come out and he’s now heir to Day. Maybe some other high lords, Drakon and Miryam... idk. Whoever wants to go lol. There’s lots of angst and love pentagram drama. During the journey to find koschei’s heart and kill him we get resolution to the various remaining ships. (I don’t care who ends up together as long as everyone ends in a good place.) With his newly awakened Day powers, Lucien frees Vassa, the others are all battling koschei’s armies, and Elain and Nesta join forces again to kill the big villain. Nesta uses the dread trove and by some unexplained magic destroys it so it’ll never be used again.

Everyone survives (sjm doesn’t have it in her to kill off a main character) and returns home. Mor’s girlfriend has been shunned by her family and moves to the NC. She and Az become friends and share spy secrets. Nessian is nessian - they bicker and have loud sex and go back to training armies. And most importantly, all that Rhys as high king bullshit is never mentioned again since there are no cauldron made weapons left for him to use on other courts.

The end.

*I know none of this will happen. But I think it’d be a nice way to go. And I realize this idea blows up the Mor-Emerie ship. I’m not against it! I’m just trash for a good enemies to lovers story.