#so many shows i was only able to finish or watch in chronological order until like idk very recently bc tv is trash lmao

[chasingwhitebunnies]

Headcanon that Merlin keeps notebooks and writes down everything - everything - he wants to show and tell Arthur whenever he comes back

It starts off as a project. He writes down important moments, things he knows he will have to inform Arthur of if when he comes back, but one day, Gwen tells him a joke and he can’t help thinking it would have made Arthur laugh. It was a bittersweet realisation, so he wrote it down to share with Arthur whenever he saw him

Slowly, more jokes were added, and anecdotes, books he wanted to tell him about, plays and music he was sure Arthur would enjoy, and eventually films and shows

Sometimes, he writes when he particularly misses him

He keeps these notebooks on a large secondhand bookshelf, and tries to keep them in chronological order, although the earlier ones aren’t in the best condition after a thousand or so years, but he’s enchanted them to stay legible

It becomes a habit. He decides, subconsciously and superstitiously, that once he has filled the bookshelf, Arthur will return. Merlin does, and Arthur doesn’t. He buys a second bookshelf, and then a third

Finally, Arthur is back and Merlin excitedly showing him his collection and telling him there’s so much he has to share. Arthur is amazed, “you wrote all of this for me?”

Merlin realises suddenly how overwhelming it must seem. “It made it easier, not being able to share all these moments with you. It felt like I was sharing them with you in a way. It was like I was writing you a letter.” He shakes his head. “But you’re here now, it’s silly! You don’t have to read them at all. I can go over them and pick out the important parts, the things you’ll need to know and—”

Arthur stops him. They go through each book together. Merlin hadn’t realised how many good moments he had forgotten over time, and he gets to relive them with Arthur at his side, both chuckling along as Arthur asks questions, “you did what?”

They aren’t all nice stories. Merlin winces as they get to the wars. Arthur holds his hand as he recounts each loss of a friend, and Arthur hates to see Merlin grieve, but he’s glad that he made friends throughout his life because he couldn’t bear the thought of Merlin being entirely alone while he waited for him

But even if he wasn’t always alone, he was lonely. The notebooks proved as much, and sometimes Merlin still panicked if he woke up and Arthur wasn’t close. Eventually, Arthur slid into Merlin’s bed beside him, only to keep him calm. It was the best Merlin had slept since- well, he couldn’t remember

Sometimes one of them would wake up with nightmares of the wars and battles and deaths and wounds, and the other would hold them until they fell back to sleep. Merlin kissed Arthur’s forehead one night without meaning to and froze, but Arthur had only burrowed deeper and fallen asleep with a soft smile

“So that was the last book,” said Arthur as Merlin finished the final page

“Yes, I wrote that the night before you came back,” said Merlin

“I’m all caught up,” said Arthur. “There’s nothing more to say.”

“No, no more to say,” Merlin agreed absentmindedly

A silence fell over them. Who moved first, it was impossible to tell, as if they had both decided in the exact same moment that it had to be now, and they kissed, pulling each other close

“I love you,” said Merlin once they eventually parted

“I got that,” said Arthur, gesturing to the pile of notebooks surrounding them. “The longest love letter in history,” Merlin laughed before Arthur added, “I love you, too”

Edit to add: the last show Merlin wrote that they watched together was Heartstopper, thanks

[itsays]

how did people...watch shows before the internet was a thing i just went into a lil panic

[kbsd]

not sure if you’ve answered this before, but what’s your process look like when you make an amv? i’m just curious and in constant awe of ppl who can make videos like you do :)

hello all!!! i have answered this before and i have a vid help tag with other asks i’ve gotten about stuff like this! but i’ve gotten several more messages along these lines so i’m just going to answer a bunch of them together (under a cut since i love to ramble about editing lol). i do just wanna say i’m definitely not the authority on video editing and obv everyone has their own techniques!

edit: i just finished typing all this up and it’s SO long so sorry in advance LMAO god bless anyone who reads this entire thing

so i work in news tv and we have a very specific workflow for writing scripts, sourcing video, producing, and editing. i’ve just applied that to making amvs! for every video i make, i copy the song lyrics into a google doc and adjust them to match the song i’ve cut (i often will trim songs for time and/or content purposes). then i start planning! i’ll mark down what clip i want to use for each lyric next to that line, and any sound bites i want to use (with episode numbers!). i’ll color code between video and sound bites and lyrics, so my scripts end up looking something like this (for my honeybee amv):

doing the planning ahead of time makes everything much easier when it’s a video that spans the whole show or involves a lot of sourcing, like honeybee or sports analogies. that way when i get to the actual editing process, i already know what i’m going to do and have a game plan. for videos like happy ending or believe it or not, where i’m mainly just pulling from a few episodes, i can just plan it in my head as opposed to writing it all down, and produce as i edit. obviously i do make in-the-moment decisions while editing—sometimes a shot doesn’t work the way i thought it would, or i go where the video takes me—but planning ahead definitely helps. i know some people use spreadsheets as well, with columns for lyrics, video clips, and sound bites if applicable. once you find a system that works, it actually goes pretty quickly.

as for sourcing clips themselves/finding clips within episodes, i talked about that here and kind of here. the short version is that transcripts are a must, and the supernatural wiki is hugely helpful by cataloguing all the hugs, prayers, phone calls, etc. in the show. gifmakers that tag episode numbers on their posts are your friends. it gets easier the more video you make—that’s another huge reason i make the google docs for each video (even the ones i plan in my head, i end up going back and making a loose script with episode notes just for reference). if i can’t remember where something is but i know i used it in another video, i can easily reference past scripts!

i also cut all my videos in the same project in premiere pro, so i can flip between them easily. instead of checking a past script, i can just go to the video sequence itself and copy the clip i’m looking for! this was especially helpful when i match cut together the 5x18 and 4x22 wall slam shots for my bestie video, and then stole it from myself for honeybee hahaha. at any given time i have at least 8 sequences open:

because of the sheer volume of videos i make, it’s worth it for me to download the entire show—i have all 327 episodes in HD, plus deleted scenes. if you think you’re only going to make a few videos, i’d start with scene packs. you can usually just google “destiel [or whatever ship/character you’re looking for] scene packs” and there will be any number of ones you can download. if you need other specific scenes, you can always download/torrent individual episodes or screen record netflix (that’s what i did before i got HD download links). i’m happy to share my links if you DM, but be warned it’s a lot of disk space (about 500GB on my hard drive). someone also compiled every destiel scene, downloadable here.

having every episode already loaded in premiere for all my projects also makes it a lot easier to source clips. once i use a clip in a video, i’ll put a marker on the episode file, so that after a while i have most of the important scenes/lines marked to easily find them. to give you an idea, this is my episode file in premiere for 12x10 lily sunder has some regrets (markers at destiel scenes, the car fight, hot girl cas, etc.). markers are the green tabs along the bottom:

premiere also lets you color code and name markers, so ONE DAY i will go back and color code them all. the ones above are all the same color, but in a perfect world, i’d have a myraid—for destiel shots like hugs, touches, looks; for important pieces of dialogue; for action shots; etc. but for now this works ok for me, so that’s a project for another time!

between detailed scripts, one giant premiere project, markers, the wiki, and my own memory, i have so many points of reference that i can usually find any clip i need in about 2 minutes max. sound bites are often harder to start out, or tiny specific shots i haven’t used before, and that’s when i turn to tumblr gifsets or beloved mutuals to crowdsource. but if you’re as obsessive about marking/keeping neat scripts as i am, it gets easier and easier with every video you make. that’s part of why i’m able to cut videos together so quickly. (also i want to stress i do this for a living and have to produce/edit a new piece for my show every day so i’m used to it. and compared to constantly updating content/sources and news that changes every day, 327 highly documented episodes that never change are much easier to handle hahaha)

this is all great for me since i make so many videos and plan to continue doing so, but if you’re only making a few, this level of work isn’t worth it imo. really it’s all about developing a system that works for you. whatever you do with episodes/sourcing, though, i cannot recommend planning things out in a script ahead of time enough. 

everything i just mentioned is producing, though. for the editing process, i usually do it in this order:

music first. any parts i want to cut, i make sure it all sounds smooth

then soundbites. i usually try to weave them into the lyrics—i have characters talk in breaks between lines or instrumental sections as much as possible. i’ll sometimes go so far as looped/extending an intsrumental part to make room for the soundbite i want there lol. if i do have dialogue over a line, i do the sound mixing/levels at this point as well to make sure everything is audible/one doesn’t overpower the other. (also i always include the video that goes with these bites when i drop them in, and decide later if i want to show the character speaking or have other clips cover the dialogue)

once i have all the audio locked in, then i bring in all my other video clips. sometimes i edit completely chronologically, sometimes jumping from section to section—it depends on the song or how i’m feeling

double check sound mixing. i usually listen to my videos through a few times, with headphones and without to make sure it’ll sound good no matter how people watch it

once i have picture and audio lock, i go through and color correct my clips. i’m basic and just use lumetri color in premiere, and usually just play with brightness, saturation, temperature, and tint until i like it

render and export! :)

i always have several audio tracks, but i try to keep my video tracks condensed. i’ll drop clips on a V2 level, and edit a section there, and drop the whole chunk down to V1 so i know it’s finished. that way when i leave and come back i can know where i left off/what’s done/etc. to give you an idea, this is the timeline for my what the hell video:

i always render as H.264 with high bitrate, and make sure to check “render at maximum depth” and “use maximum render quality” for the best quality. i’m sorry, but i don’t know what the equivalent options are in final cut, imovie, kdenlive, etc. i post on youtube mostly so i don’t have to sacrifice quality, but usually just using a lower bitrate will get you under the tumblr file size limit and it’ll still look good.

as for the anon who asked about “polishing”: first of all, thank you!! second of all, it’s in the details. all of this is a matter of taste and my own insanity, but here are some little things i always try to do:

after i color correct, i blur out any credits from the starts of episodes. i use gaussian blur for this, but really any blur tool works

as much as possible, i avoid clips where we see a character’s mouth move but don’t hear the words. in tv/film we call it “lip flap” and i just think it looks messy. also i’m trained to avoid it at all costs at work hahaha. it’s more for serious videos that this matters a lot to me (e.g. i think i did a really good job eliminating lip flap in my happy ending amv)—for comedy videos i don’t sweat it as much

i put audio fades on the start and end of every single audio clip i use, even if i don’t think i need it, to make sure everything sounds smooth

i use markers for timing, especially in action-y videos like what the hell. i’ll put a marker on the clip i’m using at the exact moment a punch lands, and in the song on the beat. if i have the magnet/snap in timeline tool on i can just easily snap them together instead of having to spend time finagling it

this is such a small thing but i dip/cut to black for a tiny bit at the start and end of every video. this way if i post with tumblr video player, there’s black between the loops, and it gives you a beat before the video restarts. i do this even on videos i post on youtube, just because i think it looks nicer/more professional

this is 1,500 words so i’m going to stop myself before i pull something. if you have follow-up questions feel free to ask and i’ll continue to add them to the vid help tag, but any more questions about sourcing clips or my process in general i’ll just link this post going forward. anyone who made it this far, i am sending to a telepathic kiss. thank you for reading and happy editing!

[not-so-mundane-after-all]

Alright, so- Inspired by my awesome friend @undertheknightwing who created this AMAZING list of Dad!Dick Grayson headcanons (go check it out!!!) I decided to write down the mess I have in my own head into this giant ball of fluff, humor and angst.

So let me present you:

The Graysonfam List of Headcanons and Analysis

It's a looong ass list of my headcanons, mixed with an analysis of some scenes, looking into the motives and behavior of the characters. It's in more or less chronological order and divides into groups: season 1 (+2x01), the time jump, season 2, season 3 hopes/predictions and future. If you want me to turn any of these into fics or you feel like you could do something with it, just let me know. And now... ENJOY!

SEASON 1:

The first time Dick thinks of Gar and Rachel as his kids happens during the events of 1x08 and 1x10. It's pure instinct and it doesn't come to him until much later when he realizes that not only he thought of them this way but he actually meant it.

When he and Donna start translating Kory's notes and it becomes clear that Rachel might still be in trouble, he's immediately on his feet, asking Donna for the keys to her car and ordering her to take the books with her, so they could continue on the way. He's acting fast, ignoring Donna's questions because there's no time for explanation, my daughter is in danger. He almost says it out loud - almost. 

When Donna tells him the danger clearly comes from Kory, he wants to deny it. Kory adores these kids just as much as he does, she would never hurt them. But he puts his feet on the gas anyway, breaking every speed limit possible, because if one hair falls from Gar's and Rachel's heads, he will burn the world to find the person responsible, even if it's Kory (especially if it's Kory)

When they get there the first thing he sees is Gar being thrown in the air, and his mind short circuits to only one thing: Gar, my boy, my son. Is he okay? Thankfully Donna takes care of the rest so he's free to take care of the boy. He pulls him up, holding him tight by the shoulders and makes sure he's okay, but the words 'my son' are still circling his mind.

Speaking of Donna - when Dick starts telling her about Rachel the first time, she wants to cry from happiness. Over these past five years all she saw in Dick's eyes was pain and suffering. A storm of bottled up emotions, raging monsters of anger ready to get out. His body looked weighed down, as if he was Atlas holding the world on his shoulders. And now he's talking about this little girl who threw a brick at a cop car in Detroit and his eyes start to shine as if they were stars in the night sky. His smile grows when he brags about how smart and witty she is, how she's more intelligent than she gives herself credit for, how similar the two of them are. He talks about her bravery and her big heart and he sounds so damn proud Donna's heart is about to burst out of her chest. "I thought I couldn't do it." he tells her. "I fucked up so many times. But she had awakened something in me. I just can't describe it." She can but she doesn't say it - he needs to get to it on his own. (Over a year later, when the girl who turned her brother's world upside down tries to guide her back to the light through the darkness of afterlife, Donna finally says "I always knew he'd be a great father someday. You have no idea how much he loves you." "He told you that?" Rachel asks quietly, trying to hold back her tears. Donna looks at her and smiles. "He didn't have to. I saw it in his eyes.")

Then Dick gets to the part about finding Rachel's mother and suddenly something changes. He's trying to seem like he's happy for her, he says he's glad everything ended well and now Rachel can start a new life but Donna sees right through his facade. He thinks he can't be a part of this new life and it's killing him.

Which brings me to something very important I've noticed a long time ago - Angela's presence makes Dick hold himself back. That's why he decided to leave - Rachel had her mother back, a guardian who could take care of her from now on so he wasn't needed anymore. His job was done. But at this point he's already too attached to just leave like that and when he learns that danger isn't over he comes back immediately. But when he gets there he's met with a wall. Angela is very territorial (we all know why but Dick didn't know that) and Rachel is too overwhelmed by everything but let's be real - if Angela wasn't there Dick would be hovering over Rachel like crazy. But he doesn't. Why? Because he thinks it's not his place to do so. It's easier to go after Kory than to just be standing there awkwardly, wanting to help and comfort but not being able to.

He remembers everything Trigon put him through - every fucking detail. There is some stuff from the vision he wants to laugh at - Him and Dawn? Married? Maybe once upon a time he entertained that thought but he abandoned it long ago. There are things he's actually grateful for - seeing Gar and Rachel as they could be in the future, grown up, in college, happy. That's the one thing he doesn't want to forget. And Johnny - he doesn't want to forget Johnny either. 

His mind was sort of awake, in two places at once, even though he didn't have any control over his body. He remembers chasing the kids around the house, Gar screaming "Real life horror movie!" as he and Rachel tried to run away from him. He remembers Rachel pleading with him when the others were beating the poor boy. He wanted to respond, wanted to let her know he can hear her but he couldn't do anything. He watched helplessly as his own hand pulled Gar up and finished what others started. He screamed and shouted but it was in vain. And then he cried and howled like a wolf watching as Trigon ripped Rachel's heart from her chest and crushed it in his hand, then placed the red gemstone in her forehead. He remembers her dark eyes and evil smirk. He remembers thinking it was over, feeling heartbroken and defeated. He gave up, let the darkness swallow him whole. He didn't want to see more, it was easier locking himself up in this vision because he knew Bruce laying dead in rubble wasn't real. And then she came to him. Back straight and head held high, piercing blue eyes locked on him. He remembers his tone when he spoke to her, taunting and dangerous but it didn't scare her. "We're supposed to save each other" she told him and he wanted to cry but Trigon had him wrap his fingers around her throat and choke her - another thing he would never do. He would never lay a damn finger on her and Trigon was well aware of that. But Rachel knew that too. And she wasn't scared. 

He remembers the circus she brought him into. Empty stage, broken chairs scattered everywhere. He never wanted to come back here. And even though his body stood there motionless he was trashing inside, wanting to get out of here but more importantly wanting to get her out of here. Seeing Rachel on that platform, ready to jump, it was too much. He couldn't lose her, like he lost his parents. He didn't catch them but he sure as hell was going to catch her. So when she fell - he snapped. Got the control back, his muscles acted on memory and he jumped. He flew like he used to and wrapped his fingers around her wrists, holding her tight. He caught her. He would always catch her.

When they wake up all he wants to do is hold her. Relief almost sends him to his knees. But then Gar walks in, all bloody and bruised and all that relief turns into freezing agony and guilt. I did this, he thinks. It's my fault. But there is no time for apologies or explanation, Trigon is still there. Letting Rachel go deal with him on her own is hard but Dick knows she could do it - and she did. Seeing her walking out of that fog is one of the most beautiful views he saw in his life. And when he finally takes her into his arms he doesn't let go until Kory basically rips her out of his embrace.

He wants Kory to go with them. Kids need her. His idea of giving Gar and Rachel a new life included her. Included both of them, taking care of the kids together. Things between them are tangled and complicated but one thing that is neither of those things is their attachment to these two. But Kory just got her memories back, she has her own issues to deal with, she needs time and space - and he respects that, so do Gar and Rachel. But Dick would be lying if he said he didn't notice their disappointment.

The first day of their roadtrip across the country is quiet - mostly because they are all so goddamn tired. Dick pulls up to a motel before dark, deciding that the more sleep they get the better. They pick two rooms next to each other, Jason and Gar in one, he and Rachel in the other. Rachel immediately vanishes in the bathroom, so Dick has time to sit down and think (as if he wasn't doing it the entire day while driving). An idea is shaping in his head, memories of a beloved city in sunny California come to the surface of his mind and he knows this is where he wants to take the kids. But he has to make a stop at Gotham first, he needs to talk to Bruce and most importantly return Jason home. Rachel walks out of the bathroom in fresh clothes Donna left for her and crawls into bed without a word. He takes his time to tuck her in, then sits down on the edge of her bed. She's beyond exhausted, but she's safe, she's with him, everything will be alright. He will never let anyone take her away from him again. And when he's watching her fall asleep, holding her hand in his, three words come to his mind, words he's not ready to say aloud yet but he knows them to be true. I love you.

THE TIME JUMP:

Physical affection is something I think the show is pretty good at showing but I still crave to see more. It's clear that Dick struggles to be affectionate, whether that be through words or touch. And he doesn't even realize he's actually very good at it. Why? Because whenever he does it, he's acting on instinct. The biggest proof? All his hugs with Rachel in s1. Boy had no idea what to do, it was written on his face, but his arms went up nonetheless. He didn't freeze, he didn't push her away, but reacted accordingly. The hugs in 1x02 and 1x04 are the only ones he initiated on his own, but he still wasn't sure if he's doing it right. As the show went on he slowly eased into it, but was still taken by surprise when it happened (1x08, the first hug in 2x01). By the end of 2x01 he seems to be pretty comfortable with it but I think it's during the time jump when he really starts to understand the importance and power of physical affection and how these kids really need it. The pat he gave Gar on the shoulder in 2x03 or their hug in 2x09 felt really natural, same as the goodbye hug with Rachel in 2x13. All three of them got comfortable with each other during those first three months in SF. Which leads me to…

Cuddle sessions. Yes, this is definitely a thing at Titans Tower (*cough*Grayson*cough*household*cough). It starts that first night when Dick, Rachel, Gar and Jason gather on the couch to watch a movie. Rachel lays down and rests her head on Dick's thigh while Gar settles comfortably on his other side. Dick has no idea when it happened but he freezes for a moment when he realizes his hand is on Rachel's head, fingers carding through her hair. The girl seems to be asleep already but stirs when he stops and asks him to continue, so he does. Soon after that Gar's head lands on his shoulder as the boy starts nodding off. The sudden contact wakes him up and he pulls away awkwardly, apologizing but Dick tells him it's okay so Gar leans back against him. The feeling of having the two of them so close brings a sense of calm to Dick and soon he falls asleep as well. He wakes up in the morning with the two teenagers basically laying on top of him and Jason standing over them with a smirk and a phone in his hand.

After that it sort of becomes a thing and not just during movies. Whenever Dick sits down on the couch, whether to work or to simply relax, Gar or Rachel (or both) would find him and snuggle to him, at first hesitantly, but with more confidence as the time passes and they get comfortable with it. After three months of living together all Dick has to do is pat the spot next to him for them to jump on the couch and cuddle up, tho Rachel is the one who does it most often and with no hesitation.

Dick very quickly starts understanding how important it is for them so he starts returning the favor. A good job pat on the shoulder during training, a kiss dropped on the top of the head during breakfast, a comforting shoulder rub when they aren't feeling well, emotionally or physically. Gar loves when Dick ruffles his hair, he even leans into it sometimes, while Rachel's favorite things are forehead kisses and tucking her hair behind her ear (but neither of them would ever say that out loud)

Words are as important as gestures, which brings us to affectionate pet names. It feels normal and almost ordinary when it comes from a woman - Rachel has been called 'honey' by Melisa and 'sweetheart' by Dawn but she wasn't phased by it. But when Dick calls her 'honey' for the first time, she nearly drops her coffee mug. It comes out so naturally and he doesn't even realize he said it, but it takes her breath away and she needs a moment to collect herself. With Gar it's usually 'Bud', 'Buddy', or 'Tiger Boy' spoken affectionately and he's always beaming with happiness when he hears Dick saying that.

One night, shortly after Trigon, Rachel slips into his bedroom in the middle of the night, saying she can't sleep. The memories are too vivid, too real. Her lips are trembling and she looks like she's about to fall apart and that's all it takes for Dick to sit up, open his arms for her and with full awareness and conviction say "come here, baby girl". She falls asleep snuggled to his bare chest and Dick feels his throat getting dangerously tight. He'd seen many times, mostly on TV, images of parents holding their babies to their bare skin - something about creating a bond through skin-to-skin contact. He was never able to wrap his head around this concept, but now, as he feels Rachel's cheek pressed to his heart, her hand closed in his resting on his stomach, the understanding hits him like a speeding train, pushing a tear or two out of his eyes. It's something indescribable, feels profound and almost sacred. The love he feels in this moment is overwhelming.

Gar has nightmares too, he usually wakes up screaming. It scares Dick at first, how he reacts, because the boy pulls away, wide eyed and shaking, and doesn't want to be touched. Guilt overwhelms Dick because he's sure it's because of him, because of what he did to Gar while being under Trigon's control. He tries to apologize and Gar accepts it but explains to him that his nightmares are not Dick's fault and they are not even about that (Dick can feel the boy is lying for both of their sakes but lets him anyway). It takes a few tries and lots of pleading and building trust but one night Gar finally falls into Dick's arms, sobbing into his shoulder. He pulls the boy close, runs his fingers through his hair just like Gar likes it and whispers "it's okay, my little boy." over and over again until Gar's body goes limp in his hold and he can put him back to sleep. Neither of them mentions it in the morning, but Gar gives him a look full of gratitude, filling his heart with warmth.

One evening during their first week in SF they organise a 'bonding night' - Gar's idea. There's take out and board games and staying up all night, talking. At some point one of them suggests sharing any hidden talents (besides superpowers of course) and details no one knows about them. Jason admits to being a theatre nerd ("it's thespian you idiots!") and proves it by flawlessly rapping verses from Hamilton. Gar thanks to travelling with his parents can fluently speak few African languages, he also shares that during his time at the Doom Manor Rita taught him the basics of playing piano. When it's Dick's turn he gets up from the couch and vanishes for a few minutes, but eventually comes back with a guitar, saying he had learned to play during his circus days, but hadn't done it in a while so he might be a little rusty. He plays a few cords, trying to spark his memory and when the notes finally come to him, a beautiful melody fills the room (I always imagine it's Viva la Vida by Coldplay). And suddenly this melody is joined by an angelic voice - Rachel closes her eyes and starts singing quietly, recognizing the song. She only opens her eyes when she's finished and finds the three of them looking at her in absolute awe, Dick's eyes seem to be a bit watery. She gets a bit embarrassed and says it's nothing but they start cheering and clapping anyway. Gar asks her where did she learn to sing like that and she admits she used to sing in a church choir when she was little, but had to quit after her powers started showing. The night ends with a little jam session and lots of laughing.

Gar and Rachel grew up on golden era of Disney Channel shows (Jason knows them too but he'd rather be tortured than ever admit that) and once the news is out Dick is forced to sit through the entire run of Wizards of Waverly Place. But watching Rachel flawlessly impersonate the main character Alex, knowing every line word for word makes him grin like a madman and laugh so hard his stomach hurts and tears roll down his cheeks. He pulls her to him and she falls on him in a fit of uncontrollable giggles while Gar and Jason give her a standing ovation.

SEASON 2:

While hanging out together is important, Dick also makes sure he gets to spend some time with each of them separately. With Jason it's mostly through training - the boy isn't very keen on spending one-on-one quality time outside of the gym, but prides himself to be Dick's right hand man during lessons, having more experience over the other two. With Gar it's video games most of the time - Dick learned to play specifically for him and actually started paying attention to gaming lore. But it's not just that - Gar has a talent to anything tied to technology so they spend a lot of time together in the tech room where the boy learns to operate the Tower system. It brings both of them a lot of joy. Rachel, as the only girl in their little family, often needs some time away from the boys, so Dick takes her on walks in the mornings or a drive around the city, shows her his favorite coffee shop which soon becomes their favorite spot. They talk about everything and nothing, because conversations were the thing that brought them so close in the first place, and it just feels good. 

Rachel also loves spending time with him in the tech room - but not like Gar, she's not learning to run it (although she picked up a thing or two) but she's simply there to keep Dick company while he works (can he even call that work if he hasn't been officially working as a detective for quite a while now? Not to mention his resignation has been sent to Detroit the day they arrived in SF). She brings him coffee or snacks, stands behind his chair with her arms around his neck, observing whatever he's doing (and asking lots of questions) or simply sits in the other swiveling chair, drawing in her sketchbook or turning around so many times Dick starts to worry she's gonna get dizzy. He asks her one time if she's not bored sitting here with him but she just shrugs and says she'd rather be here than anywhere else and his heart grows tenfold as he smiles at her

So remember how Rachel lost control and attacked Jason in 2x03? And how Jason shouted "Stay away from me you fucking freak!" right in her face? And how Dick walks in like 3 seconds later asking if everything's okay and the tension is HIGH??? Well, he might have not seen what happened, but he definitely HEARD the full thing, he was within the hearing range. The fact that he didn't attack Jason immediately is really impressive, if this was s1!Dick - Jason would be on the floor right now, probably with a swollen eye and few broken bones. But here Dick is trying to play it smart and investigate. If it wasn't for dr Light he would probably get to the bottom of this and had a conversation with both Jason and Rachel. I'm thinking of writing a one-shot AU where he actually does it (mostly thanks to Gar who is a terrible liar when caught of guard)

When the last cab drives away and the Tower becomes empty, save for him, Gar and that boy in the infirmary, Dick does not leave to meet with Adeline immediately - he goes to Rachel's room and starts scrubbing it clean from all the crosses painted all over the place. His eyes are burning, the bile in his throat is the size of a tennis ball but he doesn't allow himself to cry. At some point Gar joins him and wordlessly starts helping him. It takes them a little over an hour and when it's done they both drop down on her bed, sitting shoulder to shoulder. "She'll be back." Gar tells him. "I'm not so sure." Dick replies, not looking at the boy. Gar puts a hand on his shoulder. "She will. You just wanted to protect us. Deep down she knows that, she's just angry." Dick knows Gar's reasoning is valid, but looking at his own reflection in the broken mirror he can't help but think that in the long run Rachel will be better off without him. They will all be better off without him.

It's not until his first night in prison that Dick starts to regret his decision to cast himself away. He wakes up in the middle of the night with tears in his eyes, his mind still reeling from dreams of Gar and Rachel seven years in the future. They were adults, happy and independent - that's good, right? That's what he always wanted for them. But his tears start to fall when it comes to him, hitting him like a wrecking ball, that spending 7 years behind bars means he won't be able to see them grow up. Something like a panic attack comes next and he is barely able to pull himself out of it. He's suddenly overwhelmed by questions. My kids… will they be okay? Is Kory back at the Tower or is Gar still alone? What is he gonna do when that strange boy wakes up? Was there any food in the fridge when I left? I left Gar some money, but still… God, and Rachel! She has never been on a plane before, what if she gets scared and her powers start acting out? What if she gets night terrors again? Will Donna know what to do? His head is spinning, these thoughts are suffocating him. Only a breathing exercise Bruce had taught him years ago is able to help, but it takes longer than usual. Dick doesn't sleep for the rest of the night.

He's not sure how but when Dick sees a bird in a window of his cell, he knows it's no ordinary bird. It's a raven. It's her. He gets up on his feet despite his knees being weak and wobbly and he smiles, grins like an idiot as he calls out to her. Because it has to be her, right? But all hope leaves him when the creature flies up again with a croak and disappears from his sight, leaving him alone. Dick drops to his knees, feeling more exhausted than ever and curls on the floor, his body shaking from shivers. No one is coming. He brought it on himself. He is forgotten already. But then he hears quiet tapping and something nudges his hand. He opens one eye only to look right into a ruby red one. The bird is here, inside, right in front of his face. It flaps its wings and its feathers turns into dark smoke for a moment. "Rachel…" He breathes out, holding to his last shreds of consciousness. The raven lowers its head, snuggling it to his forehead and before Dick passes out again he hears three words said by this quiet, angelic voice he loves so much: Don't give up.

When they bring Donna back to the Tower and lay her down in the infirmary Dick feels empty and overflowed at the same time. He goes to strip off his new suit and change into something more comfortable but it's a struggle when his hands are shaking so much. He goes back to infirmary and passes by Dawn in the doorway, who walks out of the room with Donna's Wonder Girl belt in hand, not even lifting her eyes up at him. He closes the door and sits down, taking Donna's hand in his but he is able to sit there for only ten minutes before the feeling of her hand growing cold in his makes him want to run away. He makes his way back to his room but takes a step back when he notices two colorful heads in the training room. Gar and Rachel are sitting on one of the benches with their backs to him, talking quietly. Gar is hunched over and Rachel has her arm around him and her head on his shoulder. The sight makes Dick's throat tight. He walks up to them quietly and they only notice him when he's standing in front of them. They simultaneously lift their heads up, showing him their red, swollen from crying eyes and his heart can't take it anymore. He falls to his knees in front of them. "I'm here." he whispers as he takes their hands in his. "I'm right here." he whispers again and his voice breaks. Suddenly two sets of arms are wrapped around him when both Gar and Rachel throw themselves at him, sobbing into his shoulders. He holds them tight, kisses their heads and lets his own tears fall into their hair as he keeps promising them he is not leaving them ever again. 

SEASON 3 HOPES/PREDICTIONS:

First few weeks without Donna and Rachel are absolute torture. Grief is normal, he's been through it before, it's nothing new (maybe more painful and guilt-ridden than he ever experienced). But not having Rachel around and how it impacts him on day-to-day basis after spending every day with her for the past few months is something totally new and unexpected and Dick is pretty sure he's never felt like this before. He's overprotective to the point of being overbearing and Gar points that out to him numerous times. He keeps making her breakfast, forgetting she's not gonna show up in the kitchen when the clock strikes 9 am. He keeps looking into her room like he's expecting to find her there. He constantly checks his phone as if she were able to call from Themyscira, where there's no signal, let alone phones. "Is it what sending your kid out to college feels like?" Hank asks him one evening and Dick almost chokes on his beer. Gar laughs so hard he falls off his chair. 

Rachel does everything she can to not cry in front of Dick when they say goodbye to each other but the moment the plane is in the air, she breaks. It was one of the hardest decisions she ever had to make and seeing Dick so broken definitely didn't help. But she has to at least try to bring Donna back, she wouldn't be able to forgive herself otherwise. So she gets herself together and keeps telling herself to be brave. For Dick. For Donna. For her family.

Gar becomes the center of family's attention and he can't say he doesn't love it. That spot always belonged to Rachel after all, but he was never jealous, nor he resented her for that. She totally deserved it and she can take the spot back when she returns (but he's never gonna let her get away with not saying goodbye to him). He's the 'A-Student' now during training, Dick is putting some extra work to make sure he learns as much as he can. Kory helps him a lot with the trauma CADMUS gave him and works with him on the development of his powers. He tries turning into other animals and after a month of struggling he finally turns into a mouse. Kory walks with him sitting on his shoulder around the whole Tower like the proudest mama in the galaxy and Dick's beaming with pride for the entire week. 

After Dick's off-hand comment that Rachel is missing on so much Gar starts to record vlogs on his phone about what's happening at the Titans Tower so Rachel can watch it and catch up when she's back. The material he gets is pure gold and even when others beg him to delete it, he refuses saying this is too good to be destroyed. 

The day before Rachel's first attempt at resurrection she uses a freshly learned trick to come to Dick in his dream. They meet on the beach she's currently on, meditating. Seeing him for the first time in three months makes her want to cry but she promised herself to be strong so he wouldn't worry and she holds her tears at bay. She falls into his arms with the brightest smile and burrows her face in his chest. He's holding her tight, asking if everything is okay and she nods, not quite trusting her voice at the moment. "I can't keep you here for long, but I needed to see you." she tells him. She's not sharing any details about her plan, the less he knows the better, but he begs her to be careful and stop if it turns out to be too much for her. Dick pulls her to him one last time before she has to serve the connection and presses his lips to her forehead. "I love you." he whispers and she closes her eyes, hugging him tighter. "Come home soon." "I love you, too. And I will."

To find Donna's soul Rachel needs to go to The Underworld, which is a dark, scary place (well, for the most part). The search is difficult and the journey ahead of her is long. On her way she meets other people, souls who sometimes want to help her, sometimes otherwise. She sees Adamson and all the people who were after her, drowning in a river of fire, calling for help. One hand grabs her by the ankle and Rachel looks down right into the hollow eyes of her birth mother. She struggles to set herself free from Angela's hold but eventually the creepy hand lets go of her and Rachel runs away. Not all the meetings are painful though. She gets to see Melisa again - she tells her about Dick and Gar and Kory and everything that happened. "I found him, mom. I found the boy from the circus." she says and they both start to cry. Melisa tells her how proud she is and lets her continue her journey. But the most surprising meeting happens right before the end. Rachel knows their faces only from her dream and the blurry videos she found online. But the resemblance to Dick is undeniable - he has his mother's eyes, his father's hair. Mary Grayson takes her into her arms with tears in her eyes, saying how happy she is to finally meet her. They chat for a while, laugh and cry together like they've known each other their whole lives. "He's so lucky to have you." John tells her. "Tell him we're proud of him." Mary asks her when she is about to leave. "And come back to him in one piece." Rachel nods, holding back tears. "I will, I promise." 

When Rachel arrives at Wayne Manor it's already dark outside. A black car pulls in the driveway. Dick, Kory and Gar are waiting by the main entrance and when the car stops they approach it and Dick opens the door. Rachel is sleeping in the backseat with her head falling on her shoulder and the view is so beautiful and adorable that Dick stops for a moment to just look at her with a dreamy smile on his face. He lifts his hand to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear and leans in whispering "welcome back, sweetheart". She smiles without opening her eyes and instantly lifts her arms to wrap them around his neck. They both laugh as he pulls her out the car. She steps away from him for a moment to hug Gar and Kory but sticks herself back to his side immediately after. Gar takes her bag and the car drives away while the 4 of them head towards the door.

She failed (or at least she thinks she failed) and that first night back she cries her eyes out into Dick's chest, apologizing over and over again. "It's okay, honey." he tells her, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "Remember what I told you back at the airport? No matter how strong we are, we-" "We can't always change the world." she finishes for him and smiles through her tears. "I know. I've had those words in the back of my head every day." They lay in silence for the next few minutes, Dick's hand slowly stroking Rachel's hair. She hesitates a bit but then starts telling him about meeting his parents. He smiles at her through tears. "I'm so proud of you." he whispers. "You've grown so much. You're so strong. Going away was a good decision, it gave you skills and experience you wouldn't have gotten here. But now I'm just glad I have you back. I was worried sick." Rachel smiles into his chest. "I'm not going anywhere again."

As happy as Dick is to have her back, some part of him wishes Rachel stayed longer on Themyscira. Everything that's happening in Gotham is making him consider sending her and Gar away to some place safe and hidden, The Justice League has a lot of those. But his kids are Titans - they both remind him of that. "You didn't train us to hide." she tells him. "We can handle this." Gar adds. And Dick believes them. And he's so proud his heart can barely take it.

Donna's return comes as a shock to everyone - Hank brings her to the Wayne Manor one day, saying they bumped into each other at some restaurant in the city. "How-" Rachel asks with eyes opened wide in disbelief. Donna smiles at her. "I don't know. I got lost, but… I found my way back somehow." Dick slowly walks up to her, his eyes welling up with tears. "But the spell-" "It worked." Donna explains. "It just needed more time." After that he sweeps her into his arms and extends his hand to Rachel to pull her in as well. He holds them both as close as he can, kissing their heads and swears to himself to never lose either of them again.

FUTURE:

Thoughts about adoption appear in Dick's mind more or less when he brings Gar and Rachel to San Francisco, but they are more of an abstract dream than something that could be real. But as the time goes on those thoughts become more and more solidified and are too big to be ignored. He finally decides to talk to someone about it and that someone is Dawn, mostly because they've had this kind of conversation before. "It's a big responsibility - taking her in. But taking care of a kid is complicated, you know that better than anyone." These words stay with him every day, that's why he goes to her. He struggles to say what he wants to say but she understands and hugs him with tears in her eyes saying she knew he'd do it sooner or later and that she couldn't be happier for him. She helps him with paperwork and prepares him for meetings. He breaks the news to the kids the moment everything is ready. They're suspicious of the 'gifts' he hands them since it's neither's birthday today and there's no holiday. They share a curious glance as they rip off the shiny gift paper to reveal two folders of documents (while Dick almost dies from anticipation and nerves). Gar is the first one to react - his lips slowly stretch into the biggest grin imaginable. "For real? Are you serious? This is real stuff?" his voice grows louder and more excited with each following question and Dick can't help but laugh. Rachel stays quiet though. She stares at the papers in her hands with her brows furrowed. Seconds pass and she's not moving. It's like she's not even breathing. "Rachel?" Kory asks quietly, taking a step her way. And then the floodgates open. Rachel's face twists into a grimace as she starts sobbing uncontrollably. She covers her mouth with her hand to muffle it but there's no use. Dick walks up to her, terrified he did something wrong but then she throws herself into his arms, repeating "thank you" and "I love you" over and over again. Dick pulls Gar to him as well and hugs them both. "You're my kids." He whispers to them. "I love you more than anything in the world. And nothing will ever change that." By the time of Rachel's 16th birthday she and Gar are officially Graysons.

Dick and Kory get married the following year. It's a glamorous but small ceremony with reception held at the Wayne Manor. For the months leading to the big day the kids (with the help of the entire team and few other people) prepare something very special - and the idea comes from Uncle Clay. Turns out Clay, as the closest friend of Dick's parents, owns a small storage unit where he keeps some of the stuff from the circus, including personal things - like a box of journals of Mary Grayson, who had been writing them since she was a child. Clay tells Gar and Rachel a story about how Mary used to write poetry which then she turned into songs and sometimes performed them at the circus. He even still has some of her stage outfits. The three of them get the idea that Gar and Rachel should look through tapes with her performances and pick one song to sing together at the wedding - and that's what they do. They find a beautiful ballad where Clay accompanied Mary on the piano (he teaches Gar how to play it) and in secret the team prepares the whole show. The performance happens during the Bride and Groom's first dance. Gar enters the stage in a tuxedo, says a few words and starts playing. Dick and Kory start dancing slowly but stop for a moment when he starts singing the first verse. They have no idea what's coming next. Rachel, in Mary's dress stands in the crowd surrounding the couple. Hank comes to stand behind her and secretly puts a microphone in her hand. She comes in for the second verse of the song and that's when Dick and Kory stop dancing completely, too surprised to move. They watch in absolute awe as Rachel joins her brother on stage and they finish the song together. When Dick realizes he actually remembers this song from his childhood and that the dress Rachel is wearing belonged to his mother he breaks down in tears. After the song is over the kids join their parents on the dancefloor for a bone-crushing group hug (and to help you imagine this even better this is the song I imagine them singing)

The day Rachel and Gar get their college acceptance letters is one of the most stressful days in their lives. They're in the Tower's kitchen, both holding the envelopes in their hands, afraid to open them. "What are you guys waiting for? Open it!" Kory encourages them. They agree to do it on three. Dick holds his breath, gripping tight his wife's hand. The kids read the letters, fully focused. There's a stretching moment of silence, and then… "I got in!" "Me too!" A lot of screaming and laughing and jumping around happens afterwards, but even in the chaos of all of that Dick can feel a burning knot tightening in his stomach.

And I thought sending Rachel to Themyscira was hard, Dick thinks when they drop Gar and Rachel off at college on their first day. Thankfully it's the same college, but it's in Chicago and it's still half a country away from home. He's not sure how many times he checked already if they have everything they need, if they haven't forgotten to pack something, if they are absolutely sure they know their schedule and so on. Kory, standing next to him with her hands on her growing belly, laughs at him fussing over them. Gar and Rachel just smile and nod, seeing how stressed he is. Yes, Dad, we're sure we have everything. Yes, we checked. Of course we'll call. Yes, Dad. Okay, Dad - and so on. At some point they all start laughing at the ridiculousness of it all but suddenly Dick is getting choked up. His two little birds are leaving the nest and he should be handling it better than he does. Seeing him clearlyon the edge of falling apart Gar and Rachel give him a tight hug. "I'm sorry." he says. "I'm just trying to let you go a little. Let you grow up." "It's that hard?" Rachel asks him and he looks at her - tall, beautiful, confident, brave and smart. Perfect. But he also still sees that little kid he met in Detroit. "It can't be that hard." Gar adds and for a moment when Dick looks at him he thinks he's seeing double - the young, handsome and courageous man who is standing in front of him now and that overexcited cheerful kid who joined them on their little road trip. "It's impossible." Dick tells them, pulling them back into another hug. "It's fucking impossible." Soon they have to go or they will be late for their classes and Dick and Kory are left alone on the campus. "They'll be okay." his wife tells him. He has to swallow down a bile in his throat and push back some tears before answering. "I know."

Oh and remember Dick's old silver Porsche? The one he traded for a minivan? Yeah, he got it back (don't ask him how). Rachel owns it now. Graduation present. And don't worry about Gar, he's got his car too. Grandpa Bruce got him his dream ride.

Woah... This turned out WAAAAAAAAAY longer than I thought it would be. If you made it this far (and even if you didn't) I hope you enjoyed.

[jaedore]

BINDING BONDS | 7 

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parings: jung jaehyun x reader

genre: ceo!au, arranged marriage!au, angst, consumption of alcohol, asshole/player Jaehyun, swearing, smut

[ ☾ smut (suggestive, slight somnophilia ) | ◇ angst | ☼ fluff ]

note: BB deals with themes of mental and physical abuse, which can be upsetting for some readers. If you feel uncomfortable reading these types of plots, you are advised to not continue

[ 6.6 k words ]

“I know, but I just wanted to tell you that I’m in love with you.” he thinned his lips, showing his deep sets of dimples. 

He’s in love with me, you gulped, your throat restricted any words from coming out, so you just gaped at him. You wanted to say something, but your heart knew it wasn’t the right time to do so.

Seeing your nervous state, Jaehyun interrupted your thoughts, “you don’t have to say anything,” he smiled gently, grazing his hand against yours in hopes that gesture was okay, “come on, let’s eat before the food gets cold.” he pulled out a chair for you and you slowly nod as you sit. 

Despite you not returning the words, Jaehyun was okay, he wasn’t pressuring you. He just wanted to express his feelings and it was okay if you weren’t there yet because he knew there were so many wrong things in the past he did to you. Every time he’d see just a glint of sadness in your eyes, he hoped that it wasn’t his doing. Every time he’d see a glint of frustration in your eyes, he hoped that it wasn’t because of him. He only wanted to give you love and laughter.

Jaehyun watched you quickly finish a pancake and timidly reach for another with a huge smile plastered on your face. Chuckling at your youthful behavior he asked, “is it good?” 

“Oh, yeah,” you gulped, “so good,” you sent him a thumbs up before continuing to dive into the pancake. 

“So, I was thinking…” Jaehyun hesitated. You looked up at him, your head still held itself down but your eyes averted to him. Hesitation held his eyes as you stared at him with curiosity wondering what was in that mind of his, “do you want to grab dinner tonight? Or is it too soon?” 

Swallowing a bite, “-not at all, we can grab dinner,” you smiled, then turned your attention back to eating.

The silent beat of the music drowned in silence of you two eating, nothing awkward, no tension but only the comfortable presence of each other. Once in awhile, you’d look up to see Jaehyun watching you and you could feel your cheeks heating up from the expression that was happily painted on his face. He thought you looked so beautiful in the morning, your thin t-shirt sliding down your shoulder displaying some skin where the sun hit, making it look illuminated. While you finally decided to put your disheveled hair up to avoid getting in your way and how the morning swole from your face hasn’t faded yet. You were so adorable, yet so alluring to him that he couldn’t even eat. 

“Why do you keep looking at me?” You scoffed, lowering your face to hide it from his stare, “do I have something on my face?” you ran your hand across your mouth. 

“No,” Jaehyun chuckled, his head bobbing from the vibration of his giggling, “you just look so cute in the morning.” 

“Stop,” a tint of whining coated your pleading, “I look a mess,” you turned to run up to the sink and set your plate down, then back to the table to clean up hastily. You wanted to avoid Jaehyun’s gaze even longer, afraid that he’d see how much of a mess you actually were in the morning. That, plus you were never good with compliments, so you didn’t want him to see your blushed out face.  

Frantically, you nimbly set the empty plates into the sink as gently as you could, careful not to break any, but when you turned around, Jaehyun’s body stood before you. You gasp from the close proximity, if he took one more step and lowered himself to your level, he’d be close enough to kiss you. The feeling of his lips still leaves a tingling feeling to yours, remembering his warm lips envelop yours, the way his tongue- Stop, y/n.

“W-what are you doing?” You whispered, eyes following his towering figure.

Jaehyun bent down, reaching your eyes, I’m just seeing how much I can make you blush. The innocence your eyes held was definitely a 180 from the other night at his house, but at this moment, those eyes he adored grasped tenderness. He couldn’t help but mentally gush at you, “nothing-” Jaehyun paused, “-angel.”

Your eyes widen in embarrassment from the nickname. He called you that the other night when you two were back at his place when things got steamy. Remembering it roll from his lips didn’t help you calm down, “Jaehyun, what do you think you’re doing now?” you did your best to put on an unbothered facade while raising a brow, “acting all cocky just because I slept with you last night,” you gently pushed him away.

As you walked away, a smirk painted your face as you could hear Jaehyun’s chuckle. You playfully rolled your eyes when the click of his tongue traveled to your ears, afraid you were giving him too much pride. 

Since it was the weekend, you didn’t have any plans. You wanted to use this weekend as an opportunity to spend it with Jaehyun, maybe you could get closer to him and get to know a little more about who he was under that cocky attitude and sometimes- but not usually now- cold front. 

You peered at your figure in the mirror, scrunching your nose at yourself. You didn’t look pleasing at all, messy hair, baggy clothes, opposite from how he’d usually see you. Maybe I should change into something...cuter? You thought to yourself, but you convinced yourself there was no point in impressing him. We’re engaged. This is what he gets. You smile as you shut the door to your room.

You walked downstairs, meeting Jaehyun who sat on the couch scrolling through his phone. Appearing in the corner of his eyes, he watched as you crouched down in front of the tv drawers looking for a movie and smiled when you fell to the ground, defeated that there weren’t any good ones.

“Do you want to have a movie marathon with me?” You asked, grabbing the remote. It’d be nice if he wanted to stay and watch with you, but he wasn’t obligated to. You just really wanted him to.

“Yeah! What did you have in mind?” Jaehyun asked, sneakily snatching the blanket that hung on off the middle of the couch for the both of you. 

“Hmm,” you mindlessly hum as you browse through the movies, “oh! Can we watch all of the Marvel movies in chronicle order?” you beamed. 

“Of course, I’ll go get the popcorn and snacks ready.” 

You lay the large blanket on top of you, noticing that there was only one. Uh...so we’re gonna share? Your mind wandered off to different ways this could end, but as Jaehyun came back with the bowl filled with buttered popcorn and a couple of drinks in his hand, the thought evaporated into there air. For he looked so lovely, so fully of content and affection, while those loving dimples of his appeared.

“You okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” 

“Heh, something like that,” you forced a short chuckle, your gaze shifting away from him. 

The first movie, Captain America: The First Avenger, played on the screen. It was easier for you to pay attention since Captain America was your favorite. Jaehyun on the other hand didn’t, he’s already seen the movie several times so he gave you his attention instead. Your eyes beamed whenever Captain Rogers showed up on the screen, making you look like a little girl who waited for her cotton candy being made.

You snapped your head to Jaehyun, he sat slightly surprised, “stop looking at me and watch the movie!” you laugh grabbing his chin and turning it towards the tv.

The movies went through like a breeze, you’ve watched all the movies before but never in chronological order, everything made sense now. Until Thor was turned on. You could feel you beginning to feel sleepy, your brain tired from trying to put all the puzzle pieces together, and your eyelids began to feel heavy. 

From his peripheral vision, Jaehyun could see your head bobbing time to time as you fell asleep but rapidly shaking it to stay awake. You failed each time. Not being able to help it but laugh, Jaehyun wrapped his hand around your left cheek while the other grabbed your shoulder to assist you. Without disturbing your sleep, he managed to set your head onto his lap. 

Jaehyun enjoyed the movie but he liked the view below him more, you were laying on his lap and had peacefully fallen asleep. You two were supposed to go to dinner, but he canceled the reservation, for this was much better. He combed his fingers through your hair, the strands filling the space between his fingers. He always admired the way you looked when you slept, he thought that you looked like a literal angel. Your lashes spreading among the hill of your cheeks, your lips trembling every once in a while, and the cute end of your nose all integrating themselves making you look like the most perfect, precious person he’s ever laid eyes on. He couldn’t resist laying a gentle kiss on your temple, seeing you slightly move.

By the end of the movie, the loud music at the end credits scared you awake. You open your eyes to see the tv screen playing sideways, huh? You blinked, trying to rub your blurred vision away as you groggily sat up, the blankets falling to your sides. Turns out, you fell asleep on Jaehyun’s lap while he eventually did too, his head resting back onto the edge of the couch. 

“Jaehyun,” you gently shook him, “Jaehyun”, you did it again but he didn’t budge, so you caressed his cheek with your warm hand, “Jae.”

Jaehyun finally hummed awake, a smile glazing over his pink lips as he leaned into your touch. 

“We missed dinner.” 

“That’s okay, I canceled our reservations,” Jaehyun sat up straight to stretch, “this was much better.” a yawn escaped from his throat, “let’s go to bed?” 

You nodded, turning off the tv. Jaehyun sat before you with open arms and you wrapped yourself around him like you were a koala and he was your tree, giving you the comfort your body desired. You could feel your heart almost leaping, especially when you felt his beating against your chest. 

Jaehyun gently sets you onto his bed, changing into his pajamas before climbing beside you. With closed eyes, your arms wrapped around him like you already knew his body. His arms shielded your body from the cold air and you both fell asleep quietly until he heard the gurgling in your stomach. 

Jaehyun chuckled, the noise interrupting the solace of the night, “you hungry?” his sleepy voice asked. 

“No,” you pulled yourself closer to his chest, “just wanna be with you,” you mumbled, sleepiness in your voice. 

Jaehyun kissed the top of your head before finally dozing off, soft breaths filling the air in his room, and the scent of you fragmenting the air.

“Good morning,” you smiled up to already see Jaehyun gazing down at you. 

“Hi,” he smiled back, eyes shaped like the crescent moon. 

“How long have you been awake?” You yawned. 

“Long enough to watch you snore.”

“I don’t snore,” you gently hit his arm, peeling yourself from his grasps. 

“Hey-” Jaehyun dragged, pulling back into his chest, “let’s just stay like this for a bit.” 

“Fine, five minutes only because I’m hungry.” your morning voice was muffled against the cotton t-shirt that laid on his chest.

“Hm?” Jaehyun pulled back to peer at you, “but last night you said that you weren’t hungry. And that you wanted to only be with me,” Jaehyun wriggled his brows, being too suggestive. 

“Okay-” you push onto his sturdy chest to lift yourself, “your five minutes is up.” 

“No, no, no. I was just teasing, come here,” he opened his arms to you, begging for you to come back onto his warm body. 

You found it hard to resist him, so you complied and fell back into his chest, his arms finding their place around your body. You inhaled the shirt that met your nose, the clean wood smell you’ve grown to love. You’ve grown to find the little part of your heart realizing there were a lot of things you loved. Time by time, you knew Jaehyun was genuinely trying, that he has honest feelings for you and you didn’t need his words to show that. You could just tell from his actions, the warmth in his touch, the adoration in his eyes whenever he looked at you, and his yearning for you. Maybe this time you could finally let him in, let him into the heart you’ve done an awfully good job at caging and protecting. 

Jaehyun gently pressed his lips on the top of your head, “what are you thinking about?” 

“I-that we missed dinner last night,” you quickly rambled, the thought rolling from your tongue. You didn’t want to say it to him yet, you wanted to wait until you were ready. 

“Oh, well if you want, we could go but I thought that we could make dinner together?” His voice rose in an octave, questioning if this was okay. To be honest, he didn’t know if any of this was okay. He definitely didn’t want to make you uncomfortable or feel pressured, so he doubted a lot of his actions, afraid that you’d reject him because of how he treated you in the beginning of all of this.

You hummed, completely satisfied with the idea of being home with Jaehyun and cooking dinner with him. You tightened your hold against him, bringing yourself close to him as possible, “I’d love that.” A smile appeared on Jaehyun’s lips, happy with your answer. He could just imagine how much fun he’d have with you tonight. 

You two stayed in bed until the sun was steadily shining in the sky, basking in each other’s heat, bodies, presence. The time brought serenity to your heart and you could feel a smile spreading on your lips. When the clock read noon, Jaehyun figured that it’d be best for you two to finally get up and go to the grocery store. 

“Are you sure it’s a good idea?” You called from his bed. 

“Yeah, I don’t think there’d be a lot of people,” he answered from his bathroom. 

“Let’s hope so.” 

You should’ve stayed home, the anxiety of getting caught by the media planted itself in your bones. You couldn’t help but be paranoid and look left to right multiple times, while Jaehyun held your hand as he grabbed a basket. 

“We’ll be fine,” he pressed a kiss to your temple, his free hand grabbing you by your waist to bring you closer to him.

“I know, I know,” you sighed, fumbling with the collar of your jacket.

While your nerves drove you to hastily grab what was needed for dinner, Jaehyun was particularly excited to cook with you. He couldn’t wait to spend quality time with you and only you, but he found it funny seeing you rush back and forth across the store. It made you look like a cartoon character as you sped here and there and dropped things in the cart as you passed him.

“Jaehyun, come help me. I can’t reach this,” you struggled to reach for the can of tomato sauce that sat on the top shelf. You both were going to make pasta tonight from scratch, including the noodles, so because you two sucked at grocery shopping, your kitchen pantry was currently bare and it forced you both to go shopping. 

Jaehyun set an item in the cart before walking over to you, deeply sighing, “Only if you stop being so nervous.” 

“I just don’t want to get caught,” you mumbled with your eyes on the ground.

Jaehyun stretched to the top shelf of sauces then lowered down, lifting your chin with his fingers and coming as close as possible, “and would it be so bad if we did get caught?” a grin plastered on his face. 

“Tch,” you scoffed, pushing him away and walking towards the neglected cart. 

That evening the kitchen was suffused with laughter, the soft music filling in the background, and the sizzling of the sauce that sat heated on the stove. You were rolling the dough for the noodles with Jaehyun by your side, while he was in charge of the sauce. With his hands crossed and his back leaning against the counter, he couldn’t help but watch you kneed it. Streaks of flour skimmed your face, Jaehyun found it amusing because you looked like you were struggling from all of your grunts and huffs. 

“I can do that,” Jaehyun offered. 

“No, I’ll do it! Just take care of the sauce.” 

“Okay-” Jaehyun dipped a finger in a pile of flour, “-angel,” then quickly brushed it along your cheek. 

“Jaehyun!” You whined, not being able to do anything since your hands were  stuck in the dough. Even though you always reacted like you didn’t like being called that, you were lying. You love it so much, it’s like music through your ears. You love the nicknames that he gives you, it makes you feel all warm and your stomach jittery.

Hearing your strained breaths again, Jaehyun just chuckled on his way to stir the sauce. He shook his head, wondering if you were going to do anything back to get at him. As soon as he thought about it, you came to him, wrapping your arms around his waist. You sneakily swipe the flour on his cheek with one finger, getting back at him. Jaehyun shook his head, laughing because he thought too soon. 

Jaehyun grabbed your wrist and spun you towards him, now his arms wrapping around your waist while yours found resort on his shoulders. He could see the slyness in your eyes when he looked into those eyes he adored, “don’t you dare.” A devious smile curved his lips, mischief gleaming in his eyes.

“Oh, in that case,” you used your other hand to swipe another on the same cheek, augmenting a pair of dimples. With the same finger, you pressed into the dimple. He looks so cute when he smiles. The familiar look of his whiskers appearing, harmonizing with his deep laughter. You couldn’t help but blush because of how handsome he looked.

You suddenly noticed Jaehyun closing the space between you two. You didn’t dare to move and even if you could, you didn’t want to. You wanted to kiss him, feel him, hold him. He began to get so close that you could feel the heat radiating from his towering body. 

Slowly, Jaehyun closed the distance, his lips grazing yours in hesitation for what seemed forever. You admit, you were an impatient person, especially when it came to Jaehyun, which resulted in you tugging on his shirt, bringing him closer to your body, and crashing your lips against his. The kiss was fast, but full of starvation and wandering hands. You let out a quiet gasp when Jaehyun lifted you onto the counter, gripping your waist to hold you down. Letting your heart take control, you wrapped your legs around his waist, which he reacted by caressing your thighs, running those hands of his up and down, creating friction in your legs. 

“Eager?” Jaehyun pulled away but was still close enough to touch the edges of your lips, sending shivers down your spine. 

“Just shut up and kiss me,” you murmured, pulling him by the nape. 

The kiss grew hungrier, clashing of tongue and teeth and the sound of both of your pants grew above the music. Jaehyun’s hands managed to sneak up into your shirt, grasping your waist, feeling your hot skin against his palms. His fingertips grew desperate by how he tightened them against you. Jaehyun wanted more, he wanted you all to himself, but before he could ask you, there was a knock on the door. 

You pulled away from him, not expecting anyone at this time, “who’s here?” 

“I’m not sure,” Jaehyun removed his warm hands from your boiling body, disappointed to end things like this. 

Walking to the door, he looked through the peephole to see someone he didn’t expect. Jaehyun looked back at you, seeing you with furrowed brows as you walked your way to him. 

“It’s Chaeyoung,” he whispered. 

Your mouth shaped into an ‘o’, definitely surprised that she’d show up, but what was surprising? Her presence or the fact that she’s already been here several times?

“Open the door,” you whispered back, your hand offering him the door. You clearly had no idea what to do. It’d be rude of the both of you to leave her, but at the same time, that’s exactly what you wanted to do. You knew it was wrong, but you wanted to be a good person. That’s why you told him to open it.

Jaehyun did as you said, he slowly opened it to see Chaeyoung standing at the door with her head hung low and a large box in her arms. 

“Chaeyoung,” 

“Jaehy-oh, good afternoon, Ms y/l/n,” she slightly nodded to you, seeing you standing behind Jaehyun’s figure with your hands wrapped around his arm. Almost as if you were keeping him from her. 

“Hi,” you timidly answered back, you severely wished to vanish into thin air. The thin air that held intensity, sadness, and all at the same time, anger. “Please, come in.” you pulled Jaehyun back, making him pull the door more open. 

“Am I interrupting something?” Chaeyoung asked, glancing at the roll of dough on the counter and hearing the sizzling of the sauce, which you quickly ran to lower the temperature to keep it from burning. 

“No, not at all, we were just making dinner,” you replied, coming back to Jaehyun’s side who managed to stay silent the entire time. You gently squeeze his arm, hoping that he’d say something. 

“W-what are you doing here?” his voice strained.

She’s obviously here to drop off your things, dummy. You narrowed your eyes at how oblivious he could be when Chaeyoung was clearly standing at your door with a box filled with men’s clothes and pictures.

“I’m here to drop off your stuff,” Chaeyoung answered, quickly glancing down at the box of Jaehyun’s belongings. 

You looked up at him again, but with questioning eyes, he kept his gaze on his former lover as his voice was muted from anything else. “Here, I can take that,” you took the box from her and left the two. The large weight of the box heavied your heart, the box held his belongings and most likely so many memories of their past. You couldn’t help but feel a bit insecure that your relationship with him wasn’t formed from mutual feelings, but more of a mutual agreement. 

As you set them down on the carpet in his room, you spotted a picture of them together buried under all of his sweaters. You know you shouldn’t go through his things, his dearest memories with Chaeyoung, but your emotions took over your actions and you picked up the picture. It was a picture someone else had clearly taken. The two of them stood in front of a beautiful scenery of large mountains and the greenest grass on hills as he pressed a kiss to her cheek. You saw more photos in the box, you hated yourself because you couldn’t help it. It was clear to you that he was the happiest when he was with her. And you took that away from both of them. 

As you walked back, Jaehyun still stood in the same position like his feet were strongly rooted in the ground, while Chaeyoung struggled to make eye contact with him. You sensed the tension between them and offered her to stay for dinner. Jaehyun furrowed his brows at you, questioning why you would ask her such a thing especially when you knew about them. But as much as you felt insecure about yourself, you felt bad for Chaeyoung, for you took her lover, you took him away from her and the least you could do was to offer her dinner. 

“I shouldn’t,” she glanced between you and Jaehyun frantically. 

Jaehyun huffed, walking away from the conversation. He really couldn’t believe that you’d just offer her to stay and have dinner. It’s already been enough for what he’s put both you and Chaeyoung through, was this his suffering? He snapped the temperature back on medium-high and began vigorously stirring the sauce. 

Your eyes followed Jaehyun’s strides that stenched like anger back to the kitchen, but snapped back to reassure Chaeyoung, “it’s no bother, really! Stay, we’re almost done making dinner.” You smiled, walking over to the dough to continue kneading it.

“Okay,” she faintly smiled. 

“You can help us set the table if you want,” you noticed her uncomfortable stance. 

Chaeyoung nodded before walking to your cupboards, taking out the dishes. You found it uneasy seeing how she knew her way around your shared apartment with Jaehyun, but discounted the feeling as you knew this was your own doing. As she set the table, you could see Jaehyun glancing at her in your peripheral vision, but you also saw him struggling to keep him from doing so.

With hesitant steps you walked to stand beside him, grabbing his arm, “you okay?” 

Jaehyun sighed, “I just wanted it to be the two of us.” Jaehyun turned to you with disappointment in his eyes.

You blinked in realization how important this must’ve meant to him. All he wanted to do was to spend the time with you, only you. He wanted to make you comfortable, wanted you to feel like you were at home with him, that he was your home and that you were his now. 

“I’m sorry,” you leaned your head against his arm, hoping it would ease him a bit. You didn’t know if it was you who needed the ease more than him.

Jaehyun hummed, clearly clouded in his thoughts. With his former lover in the same room as the person he now loves, how was he supposed to act? 

The three of you ate food silently, not a word popped out of anyone’s mouth. Chaeyoung kept her gaze down at her plate, while Jaehyun did the same, poking at his food. The only thing that kept the silence from eating you up was the music playing in the background. 

“So,” you dabbed the napkin on your lips, “how’s the prototyping going?” 

“Oh, they’re going smoothly,” Chaeyoung answered, “we’re almost done. We have a couple more outfits to do before completing it.” 

“Perfect,” you smiled, your brain running out of ideas on what to talk about other than work. “You graduated at New York School of Design, right? How was that?” 

“It was really good! The experience was everything I hoped for. They taught me so much information that I thought I wouldn’t need to know. Landing the job at Audace was my dream,” she gleamed at you, uplifting the mood. You found yourself unexpectedly smiling, she looked at you as if you were her role model. 

All of a sudden, Jaehyun abruptly backed up from his chair, creating a loud scraping sound against the hardwood floor. You shifted your stare at him as he walked to the sink, setting his things down and silently walking up to his room to only slam his door without saying a word. 

“I’m sorry,” you sighed. 

“No, it’s okay. I shouldn’t have stayed, but thank you for dinner. It was really good,” Chaeyoung stood from her seat, “let me help you clean up.” 

“Oh, it’s fine! It’s not a lot, I’ll handle it. It’s getting late, so just get back home safely,” you reassured her. 

You lock the door behind you after greeting Chaeyoung goodbye. You glanced at Jaehyun’s door remembering how angry he was. You didn’t know if you should go talk to him or let him be. You figured he needed space. Shifting towards the kitchen, you cleaned everything up, setting the leftovers in containers, and washing the dishes. 

“I’m sorry,” a low voice whispered behind you. 

“Jaehyun,” you jumped, dropping a plate in the sink, “you scared me. What are you doing?” You looked back at him. He was already in his pajamas and his hair was wet from his shower. The smell of his body wash made its way to your nose, giving you that cozy feeling in your heart.

“I just wanted to come to you, but I’m sorry for scaring you too,” giving you a small smile, he walked towards you, “I just didn’t know how to act with her around and then with you,” Jaehyun wrapped his arms around you as you continued washing the dishes, his chin finding a place on your shoulder. 

You quickly finish the last dish and turn around, still enveloped in his arms, “No, I should be sorry. I shouldn’t have offered her to stay. I don’t know, I just felt bad all of sudden when I saw your things in the box. I know it was wrong to look through them but I just felt sad for-” you paused, taking a breath in, “taking you away from her.” 

“Hey,” Jaehyun cupped your face in his hands, “I’m the one who broke things with her. We’re nothing now. I was just uncomfortable, that’s all.” 

“I’m sorry, Jae,” you whispered, looking down, face still in his palms. 

Jaehyun chuckled at your cheeks being squished in his grasp, not being able to hold in any frustration because you were so lovable, “it’s okay,” he hummed, “how about you shower and then come to bed?” 

“Okay,” you brought yourself to his chest, hugging him before departing from his arms. 

As the hot water trailed through the valleys and hills of your body, you couldn’t help but regret your decisions. You only wanted to make things right between everyone, but it seems like every decision you made was wrong. When are you going to stop messing things up, y/n?

You walk into Jaehyun’s room, already seeing that he was sleeping soundly. You crawled to him until you were slightly hovering him. He looked so harmonizing when he slept. With Jaehyun’s damp hair splayed on the pillow, his eyelashes kissed the rise of his cheeks, while his lips unconsciously pursed. You let out a content sigh as you press your lips against his forehead, earning an incoherent mumble from him as his tired body reaches for yours, bringing you close to his. You could feel the tiredness of his kiss that he set on the top of your head as you wrapped your arms around his waist to only be lulled to sleep by his soft breathing.

“Y/n, wake up,” Jaehyun gently shook you. He began poking your cheeks after a couple of failed attempts at waking you. 

With tired eyes, you opened to the blurry sight of Jaehyun in front of you, a smile painted on his face like he had been watching you ever since he woke up. 

“Good morning.” you yawned. 

“Did you get a good sleep?” Jaehyun asked, running his fingers through your hair. 

“Yeah,” you rubbed your eyes, hoping it’d clear your vision. 

“Good. It’s time to get up and ready for work,” Jaehyun smiled down at you, finding your morning face still amusing. 

You hummed, enclosing your arms around him to bring him to your chest, “ten more minutes please?” 

“Okay, okay. Ten more and then we have to get up,” Jaehyun giggled, relaxing to your touch. 

Those ten minutes felt like the shortest time. In that short moment, you felt the warmth radiating from his body, the feeling of his heartbeat quickening then faltering back to normal, and his breath tickling your neck. Jaehyun was so engulfed in you and with your arms around him, he found it hard to just want to stay in bed and kiss you endlessly, making love to you. 

“I love you,” Jaehyun mumbled, when he looked up after not getting a response back, he saw you had fallen back asleep peacefully. Without implying anything sexual, he kissed the center of your chest, trailing little pecks up to your collarbone, eliciting a soft sigh from you. He made his way to your neck, making sure to kiss your sweet spot. By this time, you had already been awake from the constant longing feeling in your stomach. You let out a louder sigh, your hands finding their place in his hair. Jaehyun came close to your lips, his almost touching yours close enough that you could feel the heat of his breath. He pecked your lips twice before stopping, “baby, our 10 minutes is up.” 

Once again, you blush from the nickname, but a smile grows on your face. You pull him in, locking your hands on his neck and softly bring your lips to his again. 

“You’re such a tease,” you chuckled between kisses, your fingers combing through his hair.

“I can’t help it when you look like this in the morning.” 

And that’s how you two spent the next ten minutes, just in bed with Jaehyun on top of you and passionately making out with each other. His lips were a constant crave for you, you realized. Jaehyun’s hands found their place on your waist, under your shirt as he firmly gripped the smooth skin. You let out a tired groan when he gently nipped at your bottom lip, earning a low chuckle from him. 

“You’re so beautiful,” his lips trailed down to your jaw then neck. You gently pull onto the hair that laid on his nape when he put a little more pressure on your sweet spot again, making you let out a tense breath. Under the covers, Jaehyun grasped your thigh, wrapping it around his hips and unwillingly, you rolled your hips against him, lusting for more. More of him. But he slowly pulled away, looking at you with low, hungry eyes, abling for the both of you to see the string of spit that connected your lips. 

Jaehyun pecked your lips before pulling away again, “It’s 7:20, we both have to be at work at 8.” he spoke, pulling away to stroke your hair. 

You sighed in defeat, you knew you both should really get ready for work. You looked at him, you looked into those big eyes of him and knew that they held so much love for you. You pecked his lips one last time before leaving traces of you in his room. 

“I can drop you off at work, if you want!” Jaehyun called from his room. 

“No that’s okay, I’ll most likely not be home until later tonight anyways,” you replied, buttoning your blouse. 

“Aww really?” Jaehyun walked to your door, leaning on the frame with a playful grin on his face. 

“Jaehyun!” your eyes widen. You turn away from him to finish buttoning before he could see your breasts.

“What? It’s not like I haven’t seen anything before,” he smirked, walking closer to you. 

“Nuh uh, not today, I gotta get to work in 15 minutes,” your pointer finger landed on his chest, stopping him from coming closer. 

Jaehyun firmly grabbed your waist, “I wasn’t the one that left the door open,” his eyes scanned your figure. 

“Oh stop it,” you smacked his chest, turning to slip on your blazer. 

Jaehyun bit his lips to refrain him from going further into his actions. He thought you looked incredibly sexy in your work outfit, all he wanted to do was to rip your blouse and hear the buttons hit the ground all at once. You snapped your head back at him, knowing he was daydreaming and waved at him to get out of your room so you could shut the door. 

In the parking garage, Jaehyun kissed your temple before walking off to his car, “goodbye, I’ll see you tonight.” 

“Bye,” you strum at his little act of affection as he opens your car door for you. 

You walked into an empty office since your mother was gone for a meeting. You sat your purse down and began working on your computer, replying to emails. There were several editorials that were looking forward to your Spring-Summer 2020 collection that either wanted to feature you and your clothes in their magazines or wanted to buy your collection to present them on models for their cover. Either way, it was your product and that was enough to satisfy you, as long as people knew it was Audaces’ fashion line.

After replying to your emails, you opened the files to the prototypes that showed the outfits. Going over them several times became a regular routine, it’s part of the job and you didn’t complain because you love what you do. 

By the time lunch time rolled around, your mother finally made it back. She strolled in with a proud smile on her face as she strutted herself to her desk. 

“Everything went well?” 

“Oh, certainly. Everyone’s on board with our collection. It’s ready to be advertised for its launch in the Spring,” your mother answered. 

“That’s great.” 

“It’s almost lunch time, are you going to eat?” 

“Yeah,” you looked at your phone screen, “I think I’m going to go pick something up for Jaehyun and I.” 

“Oh, that’s great! Is everything going well with you two?” her eyes widened in amusement. 

“You could say that,” you chuckled, grabbing your purse, “I’ll be back after. Did you want me to pick something up for you?”

“No, it’s okay, I just had a bagel after the meeting.” 

With your sandwiches in one hand and drinks in the other, you excitedly walked up to Jaehyun’s office on the top floor. As everyone had questioning expressions as to why you were in Jung Corporation, they still showed respect for you by bowing, but they found it odd because they’ve never seen such emotion on you. You always did your job in showing seriousness and professionalism whenever you went to other business’ headquarters that seeing a smile on you wasn’t the usual. 

You could barely hold your nerves down in the elevator, you just wanted to see Jaehyun. You wanted to kiss him like this morning, you wanted to hold him close to your heart, hoping that he’d know how much you have to offer for him. You wanted to give him so much love...and that’s when you realized you were truly, in love with Jaehyun. Your heart was at peace whenever you were with him, you wanted him. You want him in your life, you want to spend time with him. Him, him, him, was all you could think about, Jaehyun and only Jaehyun. 

With the realization circling your mind, you sped walked to Jaehyun’s office, not being able to be away from him any longer. You felt like your chest was about to burst from the overwhelming feelings in your heart. You wanted to tell you love him, heck, you wanted to tell the whole building and the entire world. 

With hands full, you push the door open with your back only to turn around with the sight in front of you. What you had seen in Jaehyun’s office shocked you that you dropped everything in your grasps at the same time feeling your heart shatter with it. The sound of everything dropping at your feet nudged you to move and with wide eyes and stuttering breaths, you did what you always did best and bolted. You ran as fast as you could away from Jaehyun, away from the building, away from being hurt. The heartbreak came sooner than you thought. 

The moment you dropped what you held in your hands, Jaehyun’s head snapped towards you, not expecting to see you. When he saw the hurt on your face, he ran after you, but you were faster than he thought. It was like you were running on your fumes and only on your fumes. 

By the time Jaehyun stepped out of his building, his head looked frantically for you, head whipping left and right. Sighing in defeat, he knew there was no way he’d find you, you vanished in the sea of people. With his hands in his hair, slightly pulling his strands in frustration, he had lost hope in finding you. 

[shihalyfie]

Ichijouji Ken, his future, and Kizuna

Having talked about Kizuna’s extremely deep relationship to 02 as a series, it’s only natural that I should probably spend some extra focus on its main central character, Ichijouji Ken. It’s no secret that, although Daisuke was the protagonist of 02, Ken was the central figure to the series itself (after all, the series was founded on the concept of deconstructing the supposed “genius kid”), and so Kizuna having such a deep relationship with 02 means that it does, inevitably, have a deep relationship with Ken in particular.

The last twenty years have been full of a plethora of meta analysis on Ichijouji Ken as a character within 02 to the point I feel anything I could possibly come up with would probably be redundant, so today I’d like to place extra focus on his development after 02 (in terms of both canonical materials and general analysis), and how it leads up to his portrayal in the recently released Kizuna. (Naturally, spoilers for the movie will be below.)

We’ll start this analysis by looking at where Ken left off during the final episode of 02.

Thanks to his interactions with the rest of the 02 crew (especially Daisuke), Ken was slowly putting his life back together, but he still had a long way to go. As late as episode 49, we learned he still had suicidal ideation tendencies in regards to his deeds as the Kaiser, and although the rest of the team did get through to him in the end, it was clear that there was still a huge path ahead of him as far as coming to terms with himself and bonding with the rest of the team went. This was especially because he ended the series with the Dark Seed still in the back of his neck -- supernatural forces may have assisted his initial downfall, but it was going to be entirely on him to make sure that he never went back there again for the rest of his life.

One thing that’s really important to put in perspective is the actual chronology this ordeal took place in. Although the Kaiser saga spanned a little under half of the yearlong series that 02 was, Christmas skewed the schedule a little bit, so a good chunk of the second half of the series actually took place in much more condensed time than the first. Taking into account the official statement that everything before Christmas roughly aligns with the time of the year the relevant episode aired, and given the exact dates in December that we know episodes 38-50 take place in, within the course of 02, Ken’s reformation from being the Kaiser and bonding with the group spanned around only four months. That is not a lot of time, especially compared to the roughly two-year period Ken went through the trauma of his brother’s loss and his transformation into the Kaiser, so in actuality, Ken made a huge amount of progress considering how little time he had to do so.

Before we continue, I should make clear that I generally count pretty much everything in the Toei-esque fashion of “everything is canon, don’t think about contradictions too hard” (which is generally their modus operandi with pretty much any franchise), so pretty much everything here is fair game. That said, obviously, contradictions and other outliers do exist, so occasionally I am going to have to omit stuff that really, really doesn’t track...so for the sake of this analysis, I’m skipping Armor Evolution to the Unknown for two reasons: one, because it takes massive liberties with characterization for the sake of crack (it’s pretty hard to believe Ken would be this degree of flippant about the Kaiser persona in a more serious situation), and two, because it was written before 02 finished airing (it was released between episodes 43 and 44) and doesn’t reflect a lot of series and characterization development that happened later in the series. (Armor Evolution to the Unknown was released during a time period when the drama CDs were really, really big on the crack -- the three Adventure mini dramas are the same -- and it wasn’t until later that actual “serious” ones would start coming out.)

Given that, our next canonical point we can work with is Diablomon Strikes Back, which takes place in March 2003.

At this point Ken’s recovery is at a little around six months, and he’s making massive progress -- even if you’re not sure about counting the actual events of this movie as canon, it’s an excellent character study in terms of watching Ken’s emotional recovery at this point in time and his relationship with Daisuke, now that he’s not directly dealing with issues pertaining to his own past trauma.

It’s already a very different Ken from the one we’ve seen in the original series, where in episode 38 the idea of him laughing was such a huge shock, but here we already see a much wider emotional range from Ken -- light cheerfulness, playfulness, and at times even a bit of petulance. His actions and dialogue still have Ken’s trademark “softness” -- being kind and gentle has always been said to be his core inner trait, after all -- but, nevertheless, he’s a lot more willing to show “superficial” emotions, especially compared to how closed up, shy, and sometimes standoffish he would be within 02 proper.

Even Ken’s own body language indicates a lot -- he’s much more relaxed and  natural. Observe how he slouches here.

In fact, if you listen to Park Romi’s delivery of his lines throughout this movie, she voices him with a significantly higher-pitched and “lighter”, soft tone through all of it, which really gives off the impression that he’s much less emotionally uptight.

We get a glimpse of Daisuke and Ken’s future dynamic and how they’ll continue to be such tight friends in the future -- Ken is someone who can keep the infamously chaotic Daisuke in check (especially since prior to Ken coming into his life, Daisuke’s closest friend was probably Miyako, and while the two certainly got along very well with each other, they had a tendency to enable each other’s chaos a bit too much at times).

But despite Ken obviously trying to be more sensible than Daisuke here, it still manifests as a much greater show of emotion than the kind you’d be used to within 02 proper. He’s much more assertive with putting his foot down in keeping Daisuke under control, which indicates not only a more comfortable relationship with Daisuke in particular, but also a general increase in his ability to be assertive.

In one of his most famous scenes in this movie, he actually outright taunts Daisuke in order to spur him on. He’s doing it totally affectionately (it’s specifically to give Daisuke more motivation to keep running), but nevertheless, he’s taunting Daisuke -- not really something you'd expect from Ken in 02 proper. The original line in Japanese even has him use the very super-casual and aggressive end particle ~ze.

He even snarks about Daisuke’s convenient bouts of luck in ways that aren’t exactly complimentary (the literal phrasing of this line has “baka mitai ni” in it, in this context "some kind of ridiculous incredible power”).

And, near the end of the movie, when he starts to lose hope, it only takes a single line from Daisuke to get himself back together -- this kind of thing would have probably taken a whole speech in 02, even from Daisuke himself, but by this point Ken’s got a much better emotional grasp on himself.

And in the end, the movie ends on both Daisuke and Ken laughing together -- very lightly.

It’s easy to pass off Ken’s characterization in DSB as an incidental thing simply because this is a “side story” movie from 02 -- especially since it was technically produced during 02′s airing -- but in fact, this portrayal is consistent with what Ken has to say about himself during his next known point in canon, Spring 2003.

Given that Takeru’s track is apparently set “three months” after Christmas, and Miyako’s track talks about having just entered middle school, I assume that this means Ken’s takes place in around late March or early April 2003 (almost exactly a year since 02′s start), but in actuality nothing really “happens” during Ken’s track. Nevertheless, it provides a lot of information on Ken’s state of mind during this time and his own self-reflection on his past...and defines in very clear words what it is that Ken needs to move away from.

You were always in a bad mood and you were cold to me, but now that I think about it, maybe you really wanted to be nicer to other people. I don’t know what happened to you that made you act like you did, but now, I finally feel like I understand a bit. You were demanded to grow up fast, weren’t you, Brother? Because we were always being evaluated and compared by someone, we didn’t get a chance to have more freedom. We didn’t have any chances to run down an alley because we felt like it, or pull up weeds, or tumble around… meaningless things, things that didn’t bring any value to us at all. Just like the cat napping on the roof… we weren’t able to fully enjoy any everlasting freedom.

02 -- especially its latter half -- dealt largely with the concept of parents imposing too many expectations on their children, acting “proud” of them but actually using them to inflate their own self-worth, and in the end effectively robbing their own children of their right to “be children”. While we don’t know a lot about Osamu based on limited information about him, Ken’s parents also lament that they might have robbed Osamu of the opportunity to be a “normal boy” in 02 episode 23.

Once Ken took the role of the “family genius” after Osamu’s death, Ken was thus likewise robbed of that “normal childhood” due to all of the expectations put on him -- and Ken’s words in his track imply that it extended to before Osamu’s death, because just because Osamu was the favored one at the time didn’t mean that Ken wasn’t subject to the same kind of expectations to at least some degree, even if not as much. (Note how he really didn’t seem to have any kind of friends at all prior to Daisuke and the others.)

Thus, Ken’s ideal trajectory is to become “a normal child” -- one not subject to expectations as a “well-behaved genius child”. That applies not only to things like his academic or sports performance, but also even his core manners -- being a “normal person” in this context meaning being allowed to show emotions, be petty, have emotional range that extends beyond just being deferential and polite, and generally do things because he enjoys them and not because others expect him to. This is consistent with his portrayal in DSB, as in said movie he really does come off as a “normal boy” -- a young child who, while certainly less chaotic than Daisuke, is still enjoying himself and interacting with the world in “his own” natural, relaxed way rather than holding himself to obligations.

Another interesting thing about DSB is that it has Ken refer to Daisuke by given name. This is particularly intriguing because up until the end of 02, Ken consistently referred to Daisuke as “Motomiya” (he did use given name in episode 39, but it wasn’t something he really followed up on). This despite the fact he went with given names (plus honorifics) for everyone else in the 02 team, but it seems like Ken was still trying to figure out his very complicated feelings about Daisuke as someone who was his Most Hated Person™ during his Kaiser days and yet is now trying to aggressively reach through his barriers that he’s constructed out of self-defense.

And yet, extremely notably, almost every single post-02 material is consistent about the idea that Ken switches to given name basis with Daisuke after 02. (The only exception is Armor Evolution to the Unknown, which, as stated before, was written and recorded during 02′s airing and not after; notably, Daisuke is also on surname basis with Ken during that drama CD, even though he permanently switches to given name basis after episode 39.) That includes “out-of-hard-canon” things like Xros Wars episode 78.

Yet they still couldn’t remember to put the highlight back in Ken’s eyes, among other things.

Honorific and surname-given name basis fluctuated quite a bit in both Adventure and 02 (especially whenever canon material changed hands between writers), but for all intents and purposes, there is no reason Daisuke and Ken should not be on mutual given name basis after 02. This is especially when you take into account the more naturalistic relationship they have as of DSB -- there’s no standoffishness at all between them anymore.

This ties very deeply into how 02 portrayed its characters. One thing I’ve very, very often pointed out was that it was always an explicit point of contrast between themselves and the original Adventure team was that the 02 kids were not only “friends” in terms of fighting together on Digimon cases, but “friends” in the sense of actual social-life friends who clicked well in personality and adored each other’s company. (Part of this was because of the core theme of the series; Jogress being such a huge motif, “understanding your friends” took precedence over Adventure’s “understanding yourself”.) These are the kids who hung out together in the totally-not-related-to-any-Digimon-incident (at least, not at first) picnic in episode 6 and Christmas party in episode 38, a stark comparison to the Adventure kids who infamously started drifting as early as Our War Game!.

(Note that this isn’t meant to diminish or drop shade on the Adventure kids’ bonds in any way -- I feel like their bond is more of one that’s a “transcendent” one that crosses space and links them through their shared experience, but, nevertheless, is simply not the same in nature as the “social life” bonds the 02 kids had where they were very casual and yet intimate with each other in almost all daily life respects.)

As a result, Daisuke and Ken’s relationship ended up very different from that of their predecessors Taichi and Yamato -- it’s actually hard to imagine them getting in all that many highly heated fights in the same way their seniors would be prone to, and they’d generally be on “mild banter” terms for most of it. In fact, they come off as pretty casual and in-sync with each other, and it’s to the point where it really does feel like -- especially by the point of DSB -- staying on “standoffish” surname basis really is unwarranted.

And while it’s tempting to limit Ken’s relationship to only Daisuke, this did involve the rest of the 02 group, after all -- we got significant episodes defining his relationship to the others (Miyako got a whole episode in 25, and 30′s entire events kicked off because of an attempt to get him to better socialize with Iori!), and the 02 kids as a cohesive “overall group” were integral in getting Ken to open up and show different sides of himself. Although his relationship to certain team members ended up closer than others (Daisuke and Miyako, the ones who tried most aggressively to reach out to him, ended up getting the most out of him), nevertheless, it was important that Ken ultimately cultivated a relationship with a group of friends, and not just one.

This, of course, brings us to Kizuna, which takes place in the summer of 2010. This is a massive leap of time we don’t know a lot about, and for all it’s worth, this means we have, compared to the approximately two years Ken spent suffering under the influence of the Dark Seed, a whole eight years dedicated to potential recovery. There’s a lot that could have happened during that time, and what happened in between, we can only really guess.

Well, for one, he cut his hair.

The reveal of Ken’s design for Kizuna was a huge shock for those watching, because, among all of the twelve main human characters in Kizuna, he probably has the biggest and most drastic design change -- especially because his long hair was so iconic that even the epilogue depicted him with it (and even longer, at that). Were it not for other important identifiers like Wormmon’s presence and the fact said hair is at least still indigo blue, you’d almost wonder if it’s the same character.

(I do have to at least give props to this Animedia poster, though -- that soft and concerned expression is textbook Ken-chan, so it absolutely nails the vibe that it’s the same character despite the massive design change, and it even has a small cute detail that, despite clearly trying to calm Yamato down in haste, he’s still tidy enough to lay his chopsticks neatly on the bowl. That Ken has a habit of doing this while eating hot ramen is a very specific minor blink-and-you’ll-miss-it detail in 02 episode 36, and while I’d normally pass this off as coincidence, Kizuna and its PR has had such ridiculous attention to detail that I’m not entirely willing to.)

Not only that, his actual outfit in the movie is rather unassuming -- it’s just a black shirt, pants, and a belt, compared to the more distinctive/fashionable or setting-immersive outfits everyone else has. I mean, it sure beats that godawful grey gakuran he was constantly wearing during 02, but there were certainly a lot of complaints about how...well, unassuming and plain he looks.

The thing is, though, this is very much in line with how Ken would most likely want to present himself. When you think about it, Ken himself would probably not really appreciate his fanbase status as the “sad pretty boy”; having been scrutinized, evaluated, and put on uncomfortable pedestals through all of his early life, “blending in” and coming off as an average, unassuming person would be right up his alley.

Anyway, before we get into Kizuna itself, we have the drama CD that came with its BD, Where Should We Go? While it was released after the movie, in chronological timeline, it serves as a slight prequel, and what we learn about Ken in it is certainly...interesting. Namely, that he’s apparently a hardcore fan of Japanese hot springs. And not just a hardcore fan of them, but also a complete nerd.

The hot springs *obviously* must have free-flowing water. If possible, I think I’d prefer a quiet, rural flowing hot spring that’s surrounded by a moss-covered garden. Then I want to stay the night at a historical inn that focuses more on tranquility and wabi-sabi rather than wildness or beauty. I’m not looking for a lot on the food options, but the portions should ideally be neither too large nor too small. If we’re just going to relax our bodies, then I’d like it if there was a variety of hot springs to choose from. The water quality that I recommend for the ladies would be the hydrogen carbonate spring or the alkaline simple hot spring (these are otherwise known as simple hot springs with a basic pH of 8.5 or above), but my personal favorite is the hot sulphur spring! Incidentally, the hot sulphur spring is said to treat arteriosclerosis and high blood pressure. If it were possible, I’d like to take my time there… At least stay for two nights! Ahh… Hot springs… Hehehe…

I cannot stress enough how much the audio delivery for this depicts him as being terrifyingly into it. It’s also...not exactly the most fashionable thing for a nineteen-year-old to be into (actually, it’s more of a stereotype old man thing, what with the fixation on traditional Japanese aesthetics and health nut aspects), but we have Ken being very shameless and assertive about his personal interests, even if they’re a bit unusual.

Funnily enough, this isn’t actually the first time he was demonstrated to be a huge infodumping nerd -- it’s just that the last instance was questionably canonical, but tracks extremely heavily with what was just demonstrated here. Namely, Daisuke and Ken’s Shopping Carol:

Listen, the thing about Christmas is that it's one of the most important days in the world... It was the day the Savior was born... So, you go to church and pray... Of course, you knew all of that right?

Or in other words, he interrupts Daisuke’s wistful thoughts with The Actual Nerd Facts, because he’s a nerd. He even has a bit of a smart-aleck atmosphere...and then he cheerfully and sassily dumps all of the work on Daisuke thereafter. While the canonicity for this song is hard to place since it was released during 02′s airing (and 02 itself depicted a very different Christmas), plus the ambiguity of character song canon in general, it’s interesting how Ken’s portrayal here is pretty surprisingly in line with what we’re learning about his future personality.

The rest of what we see of Ken in the drama CD is what we generally knew about him already -- he’s kind, he dotes on Wormmon (he even indulges Wormmon’s request to take him skiing!), and he still keeps up with being into intellectual studies, and even soccer (he’s described as actually keeping up with soccer to the extent he does training camp), because he was always interested in those kinds of things -- it’s just that now he can indulge in them in ways he personally likes instead of being held to other people’s standards.

But he’s also very emotional, passionate, and openly assertive -- something he could be in 02, but only when it was something he really, really cared about, because most of the time he was a little more on the shy side with others. Not anymore. And he’s happy to indulge in the chaotic trip planning and enable the others, and, at the end, gives some sentimental words to Daisuke, his best friend.

Anyway, onto the movie itself!

Notably, they do not mention Ken’s past trauma nor his deeds as the Kaiser throughout the entire movie.

That might surprise people, given that this was...well, central to the entire plot of 02, so it’s arguably a glaring omission that despite having the 02 cast here, it’s not even brought up once. The only real “reference” to it is this scene, where Ken happens to be the one who knows about Menoa’s background as a child prodigy -- and even then it’s uncertain whether this had anything to do with said traumatic events (Menoa was admitted to Liberica in 2002 itself) as much as it’s a meta nod to Ken having a suspiciously similar background and the fact he and Menoa were based on the same real-life story (the nine-year-old boy who skipped grades into Columbia University).

But, again, recall that Ken has had eight years to move on from the events of 02, more time than said events had actually spanned over. That doesn’t mean he’s easily going to forget that trauma, nor that said events don’t still have an impact on him, but rather that a true positive development for him should have him not having to consciously dwell on it if it’s not necessary, and that his friends of now eight years should probably not be still holding it over him at a time like this.

After all, 02 itself was dedicated to scolding this kind of behavior -- not being “stuck in the past” (which, well, also happens to be a very pertinent theme when it comes to Kizuna...) was basically the entire point of the latter half, and so it stands to reason that Ken, and by extension the rest of the 02 cast, would be more focused on what they’re doing now instead of what happened back then.

In the absence of any references to said past, Ken in the actual movie ends up coming off as a bit unremarkable and plain compared to the three friends who end up surrounding him, all of whom have much more extreme personalities (the chaotic and exuberant Daisuke and Miyako, and the comically poker-faced Iori). But you get the feeling that he’s perfectly fine being that way -- rather, he’s enjoying getting all of his fun from his exciting friends, without feeling a need to spice things up himself.

So when we finally do meet Ken for the first time in Kizuna, he’s cheerfully eating ramen with Daisuke and Iori in New York (which, for all it’s worth, is probably really questionably legal, considering that Adventure’s world of 2010 likely still hasn’t figured out how to deal with that whole thing with “immigration and customs” as it pertains to Digital Gates.) Emphasis on cheerfully. He’s as tidy as ever (note how he still properly keeps his chopsticks between his fingers and cleans up after himself, albeit not as well as Iori), and he’s obviously more straight-laced than Daisuke or Miyako, but he isn’t really hiding the fact he’s also totally enjoying this. He didn’t even know why they were there for ramen in New York in the first place, but he just rolled with wherever Daisuke took him.

Recall that, according to their official profiles, these three go to completely different schools now -- Iori’s in high school, Daisuke’s at vocational school getting a chef’s license, and Ken’s in university studying psychology. (Which, by the way, is not brought up at all throughout the movie nor the drama CD! It’s easy to glean how his past experiences might give him an interest in the topic, and it’ll certainly be a valuable background to have for his future known career in criminal investigation, but despite Ken previously having had a reputation for being studious, it’s not brought up at all -- almost as if hanging out with his friends and having fun with them is more important and pertinent.) The drama CD even points out that Ken would normally be busy with soccer training camp. Yet they’re hanging out. In New York. Eating ramen. So, Yamato, what were you saying about how “choosing your own path can sometimes mean being alienated from friends”? If anything, these friends seem to be going out of their way to make sure they’re staying tight.

And, as you’d expect, Ken refers to Daisuke by given name, following DSB’s precedent. Again, given the nature of their relationship right now, this should be expected. There’s other evidence that Kizuna does use DSB as reference in certain other respects as well (Takeru calls Yamato “niisan”, which had previously been exclusive to that movie), and it’s very possible that Ken as portrayed in that movie was used as reference for his potential trajectory here.

Note that he seems to be even more outwardly affectionate with Wormmon than before (which is, shockingly, apparently possible) -- he still feeds his partner before feeding himself (similar to what he did in 02 episode 37), but now he also shamelessly carries Wormmon on his head, which he never did in 02. Perhaps it’s because he’s tall enough to carry the weight, but unlike with Takeru and Patamon, Wormmon is big enough that the sight is honestly comical -- yet Ken couldn’t care less, and while we don’t see him in his own school, it’s a sharp contrast to how Taichi and Yamato scoffed at the idea of bringing their partners to school because they “have their own lives to live”.

(A nice touch is Ken carrying Minomon from his arm, which actually comes from a very obscure piece of 02 concept art -- you can find it in the Character Complete File or the Animation Chronicle -- but was never depicted in the series proper. The Kizuna design works in the April 2020 edition of Animedia actually recreated that piece of art with Ken in the exact same position, only as a nineteen-year-old this time, which was an incredibly welcome thing to see.)

He greets Miyako upfront when she arrives, which doesn’t look like much on its face, but recall that this probably wouldn’t have happened during 02 proper -- not even with Daisuke! -- and, at the very least, not with this very casual “hey!” tone. It means a lot in terms of how much more casual of a person he’s been able to become in the last eight years, and how much more casual he is with this group (well, at least with Miyako). Takeru also greets Wormmon in the drama CD, and Wormmon seems pretty unusually happy to see Hawkmon when they meet each other there, certainly implying a lot of interpersonal interaction since.

Miyako meets up with them (and, going back to how tight these kids are, Miyako would come in all the way from Spain to meet her friends even for the exact same job that she dumped on her seniors), and they end up infiltrating Menoa’s office. He gets in a line of snark, especially because the Shueisha Mirai novel indicates he’s deliberately “looking the other way” in regards to worrying about security -- looks like he’s developing some Lawful tendencies, but in the end, his friends and getting to the bottom of the real truth take priority.

And, also, it’s still pretty clear he’s totally taking the opportunity to enjoy this.

So what does this all mean, really? He’s taking a fairly passive attitude with his abundantly more chaotic friends, but he’s also not protesting, and he’s enjoying everything he can out of it. He’s a bit quieter than he was in DSB, but that could easily just be from being older and a bit more mature, and he hardly comes off as reserved, either (it helps that Daisuke doesn’t quite resort to any antics nearly as ridiculous as he did in DSB, so there’s no need to keep him in check -- yep, even Daisuke got a bit more mature himself). And he’s joining these kids in being possibly some of the most chaotic disaster adults (near-adults?) on this planet, in a sharp contrast to their seniors.

I mentioned earlier in my analysis of Kizuna’s relationship to 02 that Ken is actually a “hidden” foil to Kizuna’s main antagonist, Menoa -- they were both conceived from the same idea Producer Seki had regarding the real-life “genius boy” who ended up going to Columbia University at a young age and, in her opinion, was going to be robbed of a proper childhood experience. 02′s Dark Seed children arc was a major indictment against parents forcing this kind of pressure on children, not only in the sense of pushing them academically but also quashing out their more “childish” dreams for the sake of a more “dignified” outlook and future. Through the events of 02, Ken learned a very personal lesson on not losing his “true self” to the pressure of those expectations, and the meaning of valuing his family and friends instead.

Ken and Menoa, effectively, were originally on the same path, but thanks to the circumstances of 02, Ken managed to avert Menoa’s fate and ended up following his own way. Nevertheless, Ken was largely robbed of a normal kid’s childhood up until the age of eleven, and it stands to reason that, even at the age of nineteen, he might still be trying to make up for all of those fun experiences he never was able to have.

Funny thing about his haircut, too -- this isn’t the first time Ken’s had this haircut, actually. You know when was the last known time he did?

Hm. Coincidence? Maybe. Maybe not.

But unlike Menoa, who decided that it would be better to trap herself in her own distorted view of what “childhood” is, or Oikawa, who ended up clinging dearly to the last reminder he had of what he’d lost from his childhood, Ken ends up dealing with it in a very forward-facing manner. In fact, he’d elucidated his feelings on the issue back in Spring 2003:

There are still a lot of times when I think about how I should have “done this back then.” But I discovered that there are many things I can do over afterwards. I’ll stop counting the things that I can’t do. Because I’m sure there are many things that I can do.

Instead of living in regrets about the past, Ken simply chooses to move forward by making new fun experiences and memories with his friends, befitting those he couldn’t have when he was a kid, and perhaps even enhanced by his newfound freedom as a nineteen-year-old.

During the final battle, we get a few more emotional and assertive shows from Ken -- his concern about Miyako is pretty frantic-sounding, and the fact he steps in so quickly and frantically to help her out by his own will is pretty impressive. And then he definitively declares that they can’t afford to give up -- which is certainly in line with the nobility he had even during 02, but remember when, even in DSB, Daisuke had to be the one to remind him of this? Now he’s the one reassuring his teammates about this, all on his own. When it all comes down to it, his sense of awareness of what he wants and what he wants to do is stronger than ever.

I mentioned in my analysis of Kizuna in relation to 02 that the 02 kids are in a fairly unique position in the movie, thanks to having already practically gone through a lot of the lessons in both 02 and Kizuna, thus leading them to become very lacking in susceptibility to potentially losing their partners anytime soon (and in fact are deliberately portrayed as such). I would say of all of them, Ken is the most representative of this -- being such a direct foil to the movie’s main antagonist, one who actually came dangerously close to making some of the exact same mistakes she did and emerged with his own trauma as a result, the lessons and warnings imparted by the movie are already deeply embedded in his being.

He’s one of the most openly affectionate and intimate with his partner, having already learned the very, very hard way of what happens when you don’t treasure your partner properly. (He’s taking Wormmon jogging with him, which has got to be an awfully uncomfortable setup, but, goddammit, he’s gonna make it work. And if ~With~ is to be believed, he’s been doing this for years now.) He’s still got a Dark Seed in the back of his neck as an eternal reminder to remember who he is, and to acknowledge the love from his family and friends around him instead of succumbing to arbitrary societal expectations. Remember what I said in my earlier analysis about the true reason for partnerships dissolving, and how deeply it was tied to throwing yourself away for the sake of arbitrary standards of adulthood? Ken’s experiences and extremely painful trauma are like a giant do not do this stamp on his face, and although everyone in this cast is naturally human and may have ups and downs or relapses, Ken is possibly one of the last characters one could imagine succumbing to that kind of mistake again.

So we make it to the epilogue, and although Ken’s technical job title as given in the epilogue is literally “police officer” (keisatsukan), his form of dress (plainclothes, not uniform) and his the Character Complete File indicate he’s from the Digimon Special Investigations Unit (tokusoubu), or, in other words, he’s actually a public-servant detective. (So no, the various dubs also going with “detective” are thus not “changes” in this respect.) In short, he investigates scenes of crimes after they happen, and the Character Complete File provides an example in the form of him investigating a dead body found at the river.

This is probably why Kizuna has him major in psychology, because forensic psychology would be a pretty useful skillset for this kind of job, and a university education in general would most certainly be helpful. (The job requirements as per the Japanese system also require a very high level of athleticism and aptitude.) On the other hand, considering what we know about Ken up to Kizuna, there aren’t any indications that he treated this like any kind of major aspiration, and the psychology major makes you think he might have just fallen into this career by a series of accidents -- he took an interest in psychology (and mental health) due to his own experiences, and then decided that “discovering the truth behind things” was up his alley (much like Iori). Even more notably, his position isn’t really described in any history-making terms, not even ones like being “the first” of anything (like Jou), and it feels like he’s doing this to contribute to society in a way he prefers more than he’s trying to accomplish anything world-shattering.

But on the flip side, it’s probably no coincidence that the 02 epilogue portrays him with such a big family. Of course, it also fits with his and Miyako’s family backgrounds (they’d probably want their kids to have siblings, given their own experiences), but since the Dark Seed was described as having its effects countered by acknowledging how much you’re loved, Ken is clearly surrounded by love -- his wife is one of the most openly affectionate people out there, and his kids (or at least his middle child) use the same “Mama” kind of affectionate language Ken shared with his own parents. Once the events of 02 came to a close at the end of 2002, Ken went on a journey of discovering his own self-assertion, personal desires, and fun -- shedding the expectations and societal standards others had of him, and learning to enjoy life in ways he personally enjoys, for his own sake.

[alexseanchai]

Fanfic 2020 in Review

I got tagged by @kasienda @noirshitsuji and @marvelousmsmol and I am tagging whoever wants to play!

1) List of fics completed this year in the order they were finished:

*filters own works to complete and updated in 2020*

1 - 20 of 57 Works by AlexSeanchai

nope. *adds filter to include only works of at least 1000 words*

unless otherwise indicated, these are all Miraculous Ladybug:

“don’t bake it lying down”, post-reveal Marichat vs Felix Graham de Vanily

“veracity”, canon divergence from “Ladybug” featuring Mister Bug and Verity Queen (so also Marichat, I guess)

“(no request is too extreme, if) your heart is in your dream”, in which Hawkmoth wins, for the thirty seconds or so before Emilie saves Ladybug and Chat Noir’s lives

“tell me you love me and make me believe it”, in which trans girl Chatonne Noire ropes Ladybug into helping plan her civilian self’s escape slash social transition

“kingmaker, oathbreaker”, in which Hawkmoth wins and Emilie watches her son remove himself from the family

“stay and let me watch you break it down” (Twelve Dancing Princesses), a modern setting

“set a course for winds of fortune”, in which trans girl Chatonne Noire has already escaped and Gabriel and Nathalie are trying to bring Gabriel’s son home

“we ground love in a hopeless place”, in which post-reveal Marinette’s attempt to remain resolutely not in love with her partner dissolves like sugar in coffee when they start a pun war

“ring the bells that still can ring”, in which Alya is deeply confused about why Adrien and Marinette are planning a wedding when last night both were single

“burning wishes at both ends (the cold wind and long loud wail remix)”, in which Gabriel made a monkey’s paw wish and Emilie makes another

“words cannot espresso”, in which Marinette’s OC roommate is justifiably worried for Marinette’s safety, and meanwhile Adrien takes care of Marinette

“the compromise of truth” (the chronologically second-earliest part posted to date of nine lives, snake’s eyes), in which Adrien tells his friends how he won some freedom and respect from his father

“At The Present Time”, the Ladrien/Ladynoir marriage proposal follow-up to @art-deco-shrimp‘s  “Your Presents Required”

“j'ai rêvé (so I don't have to dream alone)”, in which the events of canon must just have been a series of dream sequences, Marinette and Adrien both think, until they both arrive at Chloe’s Halloween masquerade dressed as themselves from the dreams

2) Number of words written:

ahahaha no. I am not counting all my scattered fic drafts and trying to figure out what I did and didn’t write in 2020. I refuse.

AO3 says I posted 162K in 2020. it is counting all of keeps you guessing (like any real love), which (a) I started posting in 2019 (b) is co-written by @galahadwilder​; it is counting all of my meta snippets collection, much of which was written in 2019; it is counting the Vimeo passwords for my vids. but I probably cleared 150K by a safe margin.

3) Your most popular fic:

“veracity” has a four-digit kudos count, wow, when’d that happen? this is also the 2020 work with the most hits and the most bookmarks, but “tell me you love me” has four-thirds as many comments as its nearest competitor.

4) Your personal fav:

“cannot break us, not with a thousand swords”, no question about it. this is the one in which Ladybug proposes marriage to Chat Noir via Princess Bride meme on Tumblr. (if you intend to download the work or otherwise to consume it with creator style off, you want the accessible version instead of the primary version.)

5) Your fav scene:

aaaaaaaaa

—okay so this is cheating and I know it, since Uncertain Humors (the one where Marinette/Adrien is both Orpheus/Eurydice and Theseus/Ariadne) is nowhere near finished, never mind posted (maybe I'll get “Sanguine” done to post on my birthday?)

but it is still my favorite of the year. as you might guess from that description of the story, this scene has content notes for character death:

Hell is a maze. Marinette walks.

This acrid passage has little to see but damp stone, seeming blood-stained in the dim carmine light. At about the height of her heart, the faintly glowing thread cuts through the not-clammy air; it ought to be pulsing at the same rate as the heart it's bound to. She might be able to see her own reflection if she looked down at the open sewage pipe, or at one of the puddles that now and again she splashes through, dampening the canvas of her shoes. She might see reflected what's behind her.

She remembers Mme. Mendeleiev lecturing on human physiology. In healthy humans old enough to have learned how, urination is a voluntary action: one may not know which muscles one tenses and relaxes in order to do so, and probably isn't paying attention to those details when one is doing, but one has conscious control over whether one does. Usually. Stress and anxiety mean some people are unable to relax the relevant sphincter muscle and others are unable to stop themselves. It's voluntary for cats, too: it's one way they mark their territories. Cat-boys have other ways.

There is a moment in every human life when all one's muscles relax at once. Some Parisians have had several such moments.

The thread is braided with itself around her left fourth finger, rows of tiny red half-hitch knots, and falls loosely over the back of her hand to loop twice around her wrist. She holds it wrapped between the fingers of her right hand to keep it at a constant tension, as though knitting with this insubstantial thread, so fragile for something two (two dozen, two million) lives hang from—too thin to sew with, no thicker than one strand of his hair. As she walks, she winds it around and around and around her wrist.

Between her ring finger and her right hand, it loops twice.

Marinette's shoe lands in a puddle she didn't see. The rainwater splashes soundlessly onto her bare ankle and on the stone.

(With cat-like tread, upon our prey we steal— It's a very loud song.)

She walks on.

6) A fic or scene that challenged you:

where the firelight fades, no contest. this is the second story I’ve ever been able to stick with more than a couple hundred words past the 20K mark, but it’s easily the twentieth novel-length I’ve begun. (though also, you know that kedreeva post? well, 90K later, I’m less than 15K from completing this 10K fic! I think.) and I have been learning so much about long-form fiction.

there has also been a lot of weeping and tearing my hair. case in point: I just trashed the chapter 15 draft because I figured out the reason it wasn’t going anywhere! I can probably keep the first few hundred words of that draft without any editing, and another few hundred with some revision...

7) A line of writing you’re proud of:

from “j'ai rêvé (so I don't have to dream alone)”:

Everything about their partnership is fragments of sentences in the dream diary Adrien writes in ultraviolet pen. Disjointed flickers of thought even when examined under the black light he hides in the snack cabinet under packets of Super Yoyo sandwich cookies and bags of cheesy Monster Munch potato chips and boxes of petit écolier butter cookies (chocolat noir)—none of which explains the gym-socks smell. All fleeting incoherent flashes, invisible between the mundane lines of La Modification shelved at his bedside between Leroux and Dumas. None of it is solid. Adrien has more proof his room's haunted.

okay let me break this down for you!

* Adrien started a dream diary to make sense of the memories

* in invisible ink, in a book that (according to Wikipedia) is thematically appropriate and won’t (if Gabriel sees it) look like anything other than Adrien developing an interest in French literature

* shelved between Phantom of the Opera and The Three Musketeers

* look I didn’t come up with the name “black light”

* or “chocolat noir” for what English speakers call “dark chocolate”, or “petit écolier” (that is, “little schoolboy”) for that sort of butter cookie

* also not my fault that “chocolat noir” sounds remarkably like “Chat Noir”, which, attentive readers may have noticed, is not a name that appears in the story after the header and before Miraculous Cure

* I found the website of a store in Boston, Massachusetts that caters to French expats, and the yo-yo cookies and the monster chips were right there in the photos, y’all

* the snack stash and the black light live in the cabinet where, in canon, the Camembert lives; yes, that cheese smells in the real world like gym socks

* this story’s akuma was not able to affect anything but squishy human memory: nobody affected remembers anything about Ladybug or Chat Noir or Hawkmoth, not in any solid way, not even when they read news articles about the subject, and this includes Marinette and Adrien not being able to see or hear or remember their own kwamis—but you know what Adrien’s Insta post about his poltergeist and Adrien’s Insta post with the floating sock don’t show and don’t explicitly refer to?

* I love this paragraph so much (my housemates may have been lovingly mocking me over it)

8) A comment that touched you:

there are people (y’all know who you are) who said y’all are studying my style. I ded of blush.

9) Something that inspired your writing:

by volume of fic drafts that can be blamed on any particular person, the winner is probably @norakwami​

10) Your proudest accomplishment (that one scene; finally finishing that one fic; posting your first fic; etc):

so that longest-story-ever-written record I set in 2007 with the 89.5K story that, till where the firelight fades, was the only story I’d gotten much past 20K?

I broke that fucking record!

and then I deleted the draft of firelight chapter 15 😭

11) Do you have any writing goals for the next year?

I’m starting work on a fantasy novel, a Sleeping Beauty retelling in which I explore (among other things) the economic consequences of the king’s ordering all the spinning wheels burned, and I want to make significant progress on that. and I want to not make my hands any worse; I kind of need those!

(breaking news alert: bodies fucking suck. so does giving yourself repetitive stress injuries in doing one and a half to two people’s worth of work for an organization that was never ever going to pay you more than one person’s worth of pay.)

[archived-gtronpa-account]

*grumble grumble* dumb Tumblr deleting my 2.5K words post for no reason blegh.

Well anyway,

In defense of Gonta and Kokichi's friendship

Heyo! I like both Gonta and Kokichi a lot lot lot, they're both p much my faves.

I've only watched a single let's play for v3 a few weeks ago so I don't remember everything, however I was on the lookout for those two and it's pretty easy to miss their positive interactions or even misinterpret them, but I'll try to bring up what I remember cause I've seen people hating the relationship between them a lil too much and while I'll concede that it isn't the best it's also important not to dismiss the good things canon and heavily supported headcanon. Also it's one of my favourite friendships of all the danganronpa franchise even when we only look at absolute canon.

Without further ado, we start off with the insect meet and greet that gets brought up a lot. It gives off the impression that Kokichi manipulated Gonta into doing it, but there's a piece of dialogue between Gonta and Shuichi before it in which Gonta says 'Oh, Shuichi! Are you looking for a way to get students to trade motive videos?', meaning it was a plan he wanted to do- and we can assume it's not Kokichi who pushed him into thinking of that, cuz Gonta wasn't aware of his plan and why would Kokichi tell him about trading motive videos without mentioning his plan?

After that during the IMAG When Kokichi says he has to leave and Gonta asks him why, Kokichi very clearly says that he'll bring their motive videos to watch together and Gonta very clearly agrees to it. No manipulation. So all of Kokichi's IMAG plan can be boiled down to 'I'll force everyone to gather and watch the motive videos, and I'll get help from Gonta since he supports this idea, and along the way he can show off his bugs so it's a win-win' and note that Kokichi is not anymore malicious with his plans than he thinks is necessary, he could have lied to him and just gathered the students elsewhere, but instead he chose a plan that would make Gonta happy. I'm not sure why he didn't explain his entire plan to Gonta beforehand, but at least he chose him because he agreed with his opinion and didn't go out of his way to manipulate him.

After that we think Kokichi tricked Gonta because the students- mainly Tsumugi- keep saying it, and we see Gonta confused so we think he has no idea what's going on- but he does, he clearly agreed to watch the videos, and is confused a little as to why they keep saying he's gotten manipulated. Then we see him angry and assume he's angry at being manipulated, but he is only angry because Kokichi lied about liking bugs, and, well, he didn't let it slide and punished Kokichi with the IMAG, so, yeah. If you don't look closely it's very easy to misinterpret this whole event.

Moving on to the whole lovely mess that is chapter 4. I'll explain it in a chronological order so hopefully it doesn't get too messy.

Two murders happened for an insanely stupid reason, and Gonta once again wasn't able to prevent it. At this point he's desperate to help his friends but he feels more and more useless and unhelpful, the constant babying from his classmates doesn't help

Kokichi takes the motive keycard and sees the secret of the outside world. You know, the one that broke all of the students in chap 5 and made Shuichi understand the idea of Gonta's mercy killing in chap 5 and made Shu so depressed he couldn't do anything but lay in his bed for days.

Now I'm gonna go in speculation territory cuz I've only watched the game once a few weeks ago and my memory is fuzzy and it's hard to come up with a good analysis without a second watch through, so prepare for some confusing stuff here. There are two of Kokichi's reaction to seeing the literal end of the world before his eyes after he thought there was an audience, the initial one is that it drove him to insane despair (which Kaito noticed and punched him and called him weirder than usual) and he started to believe that this entire twisted game was only made for one single crazy mastermind, and maybe the best choice was for all of them to die after all. But then he may have thought further of it and realized there might still be a chance for it to be a lie, because why would a single person care so much about rules for a game without others stopping them from doing whatever dumb whim they want? So through his despair Kokichi thinks there might still be a chance that the world is fine and there's an audience which wants a thrilling game of murder, but he needs to test that theory. The plan he comes up with would be to see if monokuma would team up with him to add a motive to the neo world, and if monokuma accepted then it would mean there really is an audience that wants things spiced up. Problem is, he knows Miu wants to kill him there.

Now, I don't know what exactly Kokichi's plan was, but I'm sure he can come up with plans very quickly and adapt to whatever situation and see a few moves ahead. Gonta followed him outside- Kokichi didn't lure him out-, and it was then that Kokichi came up with the plan we all know of…

Reminder that Gonta saw the secret of the outside world, the one that drove the entire class to despair in chapter five. Gonta isn't as pure as we make him out to be, he is prone to violence as seen a few times throughout the game, and having been raised in the wild with carnivorous wolfs we can speculate that he isn't averse to murder so much. It would make sense that he would agree to a mass mercy killing. Both he and Kokichi agreed that it would be best for everyone to die in their blissful ignorance. Gonta was in fact so willing to do it that he helped by suggesting the idea of the slide to make the murder even more confusing and make Kokichi even more suspicious.

Once again, I'm not sure what plan Kokichi was going for, but, whenever I think back to trial 4 I really get the vibe that he wasn't completely against the mercy killing. I'm not sure how much, but I'm certain that to some extent he was ready to go through with his and Gonta's plan, like he had one foot in the killing plan, and one foot in another plan, and however the trial went he would go.

To summarize up until this point, both he and Gonta saw the secret of the outside world and made an alliance in which they very surely both agreed that death was a better alternative than letting their classmates live and see what had become of the outside world. Kokichi didn't even need to manipulate Gonta for that.

Although I will admit that if Kokichi wanted to test his theory and thought there was a chance the outside world was fine, then he really did manipulate Gonta by making him think that the outside world was destroyed when he himself thought it was a lie. But even in this case Kokichi didn't manipulate Gonta by exploiting his gullible nature, he used a lie that could have worked on anyone, and Gonta just so happened to follow him outside.

Then the part that gets people is Kokichi yelling at Gonta for being stupid till he cries, and just generally being a dick. But get this, in the anthology in the Hair Raising Panic chapter Kokichi realizes that Gonta is tricking them and hiding something. Kokichi of all people doesn't underestimate Gonta's intellect and it's shown many times throughout the game but I won't go into it for now I'll save this for another time. But Kokichi is the type to distrust people for the smallest reason, even in the anthology's no-murder school life AU Kokichi found it in him to get suspicious of Gonta, and now they're in a killing game where each person can be mastermind, murderer, traitor, he has every reason to distrust all his classmates and he doesn't underestimate Gonta's intellect. So from Kokichi's point of view, Gonta is deviating from their plan and betraying him- when he'd thought he could trust him and even made an alliance with him. It's messing with his carefully crafted plans and he can't afford that and there's too much at stake, so he snaps at Gonta. Although I will admit I don't understand what was going through Kokichi's mind when he called him dumb, I'm thinking his evil persona was pushing through and his panic was guiding him, but I still firmly believe that Kokichi was the one student who didn't underestimate Gonta's intellect.

This is getting long and I haven't even finished most of what I've wanted to address. Moving on.

Let's not forget that after the whole trial Kokichi wanted to die with Gonta and voted for himself- but here's the thing into speculation again. I believe I'd he wanted to just die he could have not voted and been punished for that, but he voted for himself. Sooo I think he voted for himself after telling the students about the two blackeneds rule, hoping that either votes would be even for them and thus for him to die with Gonta- or that he hoped too many students would remember the two blackeneds rule and vote for him so he would be wrongly voted as blackened and their mass mercy killing plan would work after all.

Also, you know, in chapter five Kokichi could have made an unsolvable murder by killing Kaito who was gonna die of his illness anyway, but he still chose to kill himself because of two things: the first being that he wasn't anymore malicious than he needed to be so he made a plan that would allow Kaito to shine as the hero he desperately wanted to be, and, well, his immense guilt over killing one of the closest people to him during the killing game- heck, two of the people he considered somewhat friends and allies he could trust a lil.

Before I'm done with the main narrative I'd like to point out one last REALLY IMPORTANT thing; the killing game is a game of distrust where anyone can kill anyone, it puts an insane amount of stress and paranoia on people and drives them to do things they would otherwise never accept. Some relationships couldn't easily happen outside of the killing game (like Kaito and Shuichi) and some happened more easily because of the killing game setting (like Kaede and Shuichi) and some should stay intact in either (like Tenko and Himiko). It's a rather unfair setting to judge people.

Now onto miscellaneous stuff that the killing game setting doesn't affect and should be good enough to judge people and relationships:

In trial 2 I think, Kokichi was the only one to praise Gonta for pointing out something smart (I don't remember what it was though, maybe the rope thing with Kirumi.)

Kokichi was also the one who took Gonta seriously when he talked about seeing tiny bugs and went as far as requesting the bug vac over something everyone forgot and dismissed- even the players themselves. In general, Kokichi is the student who most acknowledges Gonta's intellect.

Kokichi had two main plans and for both he trusted Gonta.

They can also be found often hanging out together- which I think is unprecedented in dr- and from what I remember if you you try to spend your free time with either of them they both hesitate to stop hanging out but get reassured by each other that it's fine and they can pick their discussion back up. So when together they aren't bickering or in an unpleasant discussion and enjoy eachother's company enough to hesitate to spare time for Shuichi. Strong emphasis on the fact that this is mutual, it's not only Gonta being nice enough not to ditch Kokichi or reassuring him that it's fine and he can leave, Kokichi too doesn't wanna ditch Gonta at first and reassures him that they can hang out later together. (As far as I can remember at least, but my memory may be tricking me)

In one of Kokichi's dating events he says that he hates bugs but wants to watch a bug documentary to understand why Gonta likes them. It's a good outcome too so Kokichi had a good time watching it even though he hates bugs.

Again in Hair Raising Panic even if Kokichi suspected Gonta he didn't tell anyone or mess with him and instead let him carry out whatever plan he had, suspicion but trust in the end.

The two have a very bittersweet event in the TDP (Gonta's) where Kokichi says goodbye to Gonta.

Firstly, Kokichi says he isn't eating enough but when Gonta gets worried Kokichi dismisses it as a lie, but Gonta still worries about it and most importantly, thinks Kokichi said the truth about not eating before dismissing it as a lie so he still worries about him. It's… really odd when you think about it, if it had been a lie for sure then it would have been written as such, but Kokichi's malnourishment is being treated in this scenario as the truth and most importantly we're shown that Gonta was able to see that Kokichi said a sad truth and then said he lied but Gonta still saw through that and understood that Kokichi could dismiss a sad truth as a lie not to worry him. This scene always sticks out to me because its writing really really caught me off guard, we don't have so much to say whether or not my interpretation is truth but knowing those two characters and as writer's hunch? I think this holds up well. I think Kokichi isn't as unreadable as people make him out to be and Gonta is smarter than people think he is, add to that the fact that in this event they've been classmates for nearly 3 years so at this point I don't doubt Gonta would be able to see through Kokichi's lies to some extent. I think this is overall really sweet and I'm glad that this scene exists.

But the sweetest has yet to come! Kokichi tells this to Gonta

Kokichi: Cuz we won't see each other after we graduate. I *am* the leader of evil after all. There'd be no point in me being around a gentleman like you m, Gonta. And that's not a lie. Are you relieved, Gonta? You'll never be tricked by someone as despicable as me anymore.

Gonta: How sad! Gonta make lot of memories with Kokichi over last three years… So… of course Gonta feel sad he no see you anymore.

Kokichi: Of course. Well, I'm not a gentleman like you Gonta, so I bid you my farewell.

Gonta: Grgh… Gonta wish that was lie… [You feel even sadder than before]

And you know, this is a graduation event, in most cases one of the three choices is an interaction with someone from v3 cast who is very important in the killing game to the character you're playing. (Kaito with his sidekicks, Kiibo with Miu, I can't remember the rest). We have a clear confirmation here that outside of the killing game, Kokichi and Gonta are very close friends and Kokichi holds Gonta in high regard as a real gentleman who deserves better than a clown gang leader as his friend.

Mic drop.

Now, I've tried to be as objective as possible and point out either canon or interpret the vaguer stuff. I won't say they had a pure beautiful friendship because that would be aaa wrong, and I won't deny that for chap 4 plan Gonta was going to get hurt with that plan no matter what -by being voted as the blackened and thus failing to help everyone with the mass mercy killing, or by succeeding with the plan and being left all alone with his despair and prolly either planning his suicide after that or being taken to participate in season 54 before he could kill himself- and Kokichi most likely knew that his plan would hurt Gonta no matter the outcome, and Kokichi even if he didn't want to still pushed Gonta, his sweet gentleman friend, to murder for him. And he did lash out on him in trial 4 and say nasty things and make him stress and panic then hurt him with his villainous persona. I won't deny canon, actions speak louder than words, and Kokichi's actions, regardless of his intentions, still ended up hurting Gonta. But still in not ignoring canon, it's important to realize that Kokichi undeniably felt insanely guilty for what he did and even wanted to die with Gonta which completely contradicts his leadership quality and selflessness and logical nature (because dying with Gonta would be a meaningless death and would leave his clueless classmates behind with no plan to escape and many leads inaccessible) only because he didn't want to live with his sin, and it's also important not to ignore their many little positive interactions in canon pointed above. I won't speak for canon, but I definitely think their relationships had it's downs but also had it's ups that we really shouldn't be ignoring.

Feel free to point out any mistake I made or share your opinions- but please make sure not to be spiteful and have actual concrete arguments to share, I've spent a 3-4 hours writing and revising this passionately and I don't wanna deal with hate so please be gentlemen like Gonta. Thankie!

(oh cool this time around Tumblr didn't delete this phew now I won't have to re-format everything.)

[yellowmagicalgirl]

no good to dwell on dreams (even if i walked with you once upon one)

At the top of a wooden tower, Krel finds a boy cursed to sleep for 900 years until he receives true love's kiss.

At the top of a wooden tower, Douxie is finally awoken from his cursed sleep. Nothing is as he had expected it to be.

Thank you to the Sleepless Domain Discord user known as 10zin for helping me out when grammar was an issue for me. This fic is post-3Below AU where Wizards didn't happen, and also a Sleeping Beauty AU.

I'm still on hiatus due to finals, but I hope people enjoy this!

AO3

FFN

"I wonder what creepy creepers are in this creepy castle?" Steve asked.

"Really, it's just a tower," Toby said, swinging his warhammer around for light. The three of them had been excited to have a peaceful winter break. No school aside from the homework that Miss Janeth and Señor Uhl had assigned, and ever since Krel and Aja had defeated Morando last summer, the only fights there had been were with the occasional goblin or gnome. And, of course, sparring sessions that Krel tried to ditch as often as possible.

But then the tower had shown up, which meant that Toby and Steve had decided to drag Krel through the woods near Arcadia Oaks. He should have just stayed home, because at least there wouldn't be so many trees. Just the loneliness that had settled into every corner when Mother died and Aja and Varvatos had left.

The tower was made of wood. Dead trees, because of klebbing course it had to be. It looked a lot taller in person than it did from far away. A cool mist surrounded it. The door was made of wood as well, with a few runes carved into it.

Toby frowned. "That's not Trollish or Akiridion."

"Maybe we should come back with Claire, since she's trying to learn to decipher other magical languages?" Krel asked. Really, they should've just waited for Claire and Jim to heal from their common cold before investigating the tower.

"Uh, no. She and Jim will act all smug and superior because we needed their help," Steve said.

"They won't be... okay, they might be annoyed because how dare we go off on our own and pull a stunt when those two have nearly killed themselves doing the same thing, but! They won't be smug. Grumpy, sure. Jumpy, yes in Claire's case. But not smug. I'll lead, but have your axe and serrator out," Toby instructed. He pushed on the door, but it didn't give.

"Oh, well, I guess we should go home now," Krel said.

"Not getting out of this that easy," Steve said, punching Krel in the shoulder with enough force that Krel was glad he was in his Akiridion form. Otherwise, there was a good chance that Steve would've knocked him over.

Toby took a step back, then slammed his warhammer into the door. It still didn't give way.

Krel's curiosity won over the fact that he should be trying to be the voice of reason for his friends. He pushed past Steve and Toby. He then reached up to trace the runes. Perhaps there was some sort of mechanism to them.

They lit up green under his touch. Krel heard Toby make a nervous sound behind him as the rest of the door glowed green before turning to mist.

Steve coughed. "Well, since the castle-"

 "-tower," Toby interrupted.

"Since it likes you," Steve continued, "I guess you're leading the way." Krel groaned and walked into the tower.

The three of them made their way up the spiral staircase. Every several feet, a sconce in the wall lit up with green light. Eventually, they reached a second door at the top of the stairs. Krel once more traced over the ruins engraved in the door, which then disappeared into the same mist.

The room at the top of the tower was empty aside from a stone slab in the center of the room. On top of it lay a boy. He looked so still; so peaceful. He was human, with dark hair tied into a bun and bangs flowing down either side of his face. His arms were crossed over his chest. He looked to be at most a year older than Steve, Toby, and Krel.

"Is this... a tomb?" Toby asked as the three of them approached the boy.

"I don't think so," Steve said as Krel leaned over the boy, who showed no signs of breathing. "In all the video games I've played, the tomb is under the castle-"

"-I keep on telling you Steve, this is a tower!"

"The tomb is under the castle," Steve continued despite Toby's interruption. "Not at the top of it. Unless, I don't know, maybe some cultures don't have their tombs under the castles? Krel, how do Akiridions do it?"

Krel was about to retort that it didn't matter how Akiridions dealt with their dead, because this boy wasn't Akiridion. However, Steve nudged Krel forcefully enough that he lurched forward and his lips brushed against the boy's. They were soft, and just warm enough that despite being in his Akiridion form Krel could feel the temperature difference.

Krel stood up, about to turn and yell at Steve for pushing him. But then, the boy's eyes fluttered open.

Toby screamed.

The boy screamed, sitting up and scrambling away from the three of them.

Steve and Krel screamed.

The boy caught his breath and looked between the three of them. He drew his knees up to his chest as he   and Krel waited for Toby and Steve to stop screaming. He licked his lips and swallowed before speaking. "Which one of you kissed me?"

Steve pointed at Krel. The boy stared at Krel with an odd expression.

"I only did so because I was shoved," Krel said, rolling his eyes. Really, if the boy wanted an apology for having been unexpectedly kissed while he was asleep, then Steve should be the one apologizing.

Slowly, a shy smile formed on the boy's face. "I'll admit, I had thought that my true love would've been a human or another wizard, not... no matter what, it's good to meet you. I'm Douxie."

Out of the corners of his eyes, Krel could see his friends trying and mostly failing to not laugh at the entire situation with Douxie. This wasn't funny, and his friends weren't helpful at all. Maybe this was a sign that they should've waited for Jim and Claire, who would certainly... no. They'd probably also be trying to stifle laughter. Krel was so thankful that Aja wasn't here, because she'd definitely be laughing.

"I... no," Krel said. "Why the kleb do you think I'm your 'true love' or whatever?"

Douxie's face fell before raised an eyebrow. "I was cursed, so that I would sleep for 900 years, and then this tower would appear in close vicinity to my true love, who would wake me with a kiss. Didn't you read the runes the Master Merlin inscribed on the door? You would've triggered their magic."

Krel bristled with frustration. "Well, clearly this 'Master' didn't account for the possibility of my technology interfacing with the tower."

Douxie flinched, frowning and crossing his arms across his chest.

"Wait, by Merlin, you wouldn't happen to mean a crusty old wizard who likes the color green and uses the Staff of Avalon, would you?"

"I wouldn't call him crusty..." Douxie said. One of the corners of his mouth twitched like he was trying to fight off a smile.

"Come on," Toby said. "My friends - other friends, not these two - and I have way too much experience cleaning up Merlin's messes."

The four of them exited the tower and watched it turn to mist behind them. Douxie frowned and was silent as they made their way to Jim's house.

"So," Jim said, glancing over at Douxie. Douxie was seated on the couch, sipping at a glass of water. He had tucked himself into a corner, arm not holding the glass wrapped around himself. He looked around slowly with a dazed and confused expression. "You decided to, instead of waiting for backup, go investigate the tower on your own. And then you woke up yet another ancient wizard."

"I mean," Toby replied, "at least this one doesn't seem to be genocidal or power hungry." Claire flinched.

"Technically Krel woke him up!" Steve said. Krel scowled. He only woke Douxie up because Steve pushed him. For all they knew, carrying him out of the tower would have worked just as well. Or splashing him with water or shaking him.

"Why were you asleep and trapped in the tower, Douxie?" Douxie jumped upon hearing Jim say his name.

"The curse was intended for our king, to make him sleep for 900 years, but his sister pushed him out of the way. It was because the curse wasn't originally meant for her that I was able to sacrifice myself for her," Douxie said. Very pointedly, he looked away from Krel. "I... there was an old wooden tower on the edge of Camelot. It had fallen into disrepair, so Master Merlin was able to enchant it to protect me, and so... the curse was supposed to only be breakable by true love's kiss, but I guess since Morgana took on the curse instead there were other ways to wake me up."

"Wait." Claire sat up straight, muscles tensing like she was preparing for a fight. "By Morgana, you wouldn't mean a witch 'has many names' and was the apprentice to Merlin?"

"I have never heard her claim to have many names," Douxie said, "but you do remarkably well at mimicking her voice. And yes, but she finished her apprenticeship years before I met her. How do you know her?"

"Oh, let me count the fucking ways." Claire sneered. "Let's see, in reverse chronological order, there's the time she tried to kill all life on Earth-"

"She wouldn't do that!" Douxie's hands shook before he balled them into fists.

"Oh, she definitely did. She did that and more."

"No, I know  her. You must be mistaken," Douxie said quickly, like he had very little air and couldn't say much before gasping again.

"You knew her," Claire said. Pinpricks of purple invaded her eyes, and her voice raised a little in volume with each word. "But I know what she became after you fell asleep. You should have just let her keep the curse."

Douxie began to hyperventilate, shaking his head. Krel just barely saw the way tears and pinpricks of blue formed in his eyes as he reached for his bracer before a cloud of pale blue smoke enveloped the room. The glass fell to the floor, and the sound of the door opening could be heard.

Douxie was gone when the smoke cleared, and there was no sign of where he could be.

"I... fuck," Claire said. Her hands shook, and she kept glancing down at them and around the room. Her eyes were wide and her voice had taken on a slightly higher pitch than normal. "I didn't mean to- I just- I'll go after him. Apologize."

"No," Toby said. "Claire, we all know you didn't mean to hurt Douxie, but we also all know that if you even just start sneezing because of dust then your PTSD starts to act up more. That argument you just had about Morgana isn't helping things. You're on the edge of a panic attack, and one or both of you will get hurt if you go after him."

"I'll go after him," Krel said. "What's the phrase... you wake it, you pay the consequences for it?"

"Eh... sort of, not really," Jim said. "It's you break it, you bought it."

"You break his heart upon waking him up, you're responsible?" Steve said. "But it's probably best if we split up to look for him before he gets himself hit by a car or anything."

Naturally, Douxie had run off into the trees near Jim's house. Given his path, it seemed like he had tried to find his way back to the tower, but he had probably given up when Krel found him. He was casting magic from his bracer and sitting on a tree stump. Half-dried tears reflected the blue light of his magic.

Krel bit his lip, recalling the way that Douxie's had felt against his. The doors of the tower had given way for him. As much as he wanted to deny it and blame Steve, it was Krel's fault he was stuck in a strange world with no one.

Krel inhaled sharply as it finally hit him why Douxie had been so pleased that Krel was his supposed True Love. It wasn't just because Krel broke the curse keeping him asleep, or else he wouldn't have insisted on it so much. He probably would've been thankful either way.

It was because, even if everyone else he ever knew was dead or evil in their old age, at least Douxie would have had someone guaranteed to care about him. It was the one thing he could hope for, and Krel had smashed that hope and left him all alone.

"I know this is probably overwhelming for you," Krel said, slowly approaching Douxie. Douxie didn't look up at him. "I'm not from Earth, so it was overwhelming for me as well, and I at least had my sister and our bodyguard. I'm sorry I'm not who you hoped I would be."

"It's not your fault," Douxie mumbled. "Is it true? That because I sacrificed myself, it's my fault that Morgana did so many horrible things?"

"No. You couldn't have known what she would do. Not even Claire believes that, and if she had been the one to find you I'm sure she'd be trying to apologize. But, out of all my friends, Morgana hurt Claire the most badly, so she overreacted. But no one blames you." Krel pointed at Douxie's bracer. "How does that work?"

Douxie smiled, probably thankful for a change in subject. He could talk about his ancient wizard technology instead of his feelings. "It's sort of like a portable spellbook. It helps me control my magic, and it's also easier to remember the components needed for spells like this. I'm currently trying to cast a spell that will help me find my familiar."

Douxie's smile slid off of his face. "He's a dragon, and dragons live for a long time. If he didn't, then I would have run away from Camelot and never would have sacrificed myself for her. But, what if he's changed like Morgana did, or gotten another wizard after all this time? Or what if he died of non-natural causes?"

"We can try to help you find him. Him and Merlin." Besides, everyone had been trying to find Merlin anyways, after the geezer had skipped out on the trolls by proclaiming that he had things to do.

"Thank you. Though, I'm scared to find either of them."

"Though, in the mean time, you'll need a place to stay. My sister doesn't live at home anymore, so I have a spare room if you want it."

"I'd like that; thank you."

There was no foretold true love waiting for Douxie, but that didn't mean he had to be alone. And neither did Krel.

A/N: I'm going to leave it up to the reader as to whether or not Krel actually is Douxie's fated true love and is just in denial about it.

[baconpal]

talkin bout fuckig manga

hey it’s me, haven’t had internet for over a week and i’ve been sick and uni and blah blah blah time for a rant about manga

this time its about  "Soredemo Machi wa Mawatteiru", tl;dr, good manga read it idk

lots of bullshit below the cut

Before anything I say gets too confusing or I go off on an insane tangent, just know my recommendation is that you read "Soredemo Machi wa Mawatteiru". It's not very easy to find online since it has an official English release (which my recommendation extends far enough to suggest I might pick up in the future, just to have it, but I am very stingy), but there's an alright torrent of all the volumes on your local anime torrenting website, and is at the very least worth the trouble of reading as such. There is also an anime that gets better as it goes, but the manga is my primary recommendation. Beyond this point I'm not gonna give much regard to what I write, so get ready for anything, read the manga and see if you agree with me, or don't and see if I care:

BOUT THE ANIME: The SoreMachi anime is one of those rare comedy anime you find where the animation and overall production is just really extra the entire time. Hopefully you know what I mean because I won't really be able to explain it any other way, it's simply one of those shows where the jokes are decent and it's a fun time for the most part. Unfortunately, the anime makes a couple of critical missteps that kept me from getting far into it when I first tried watching it about a year ago, and in retrospect seem even less reasonable.

Starting with the good, as an adaptation it does a good job with most chapters it covers, it properly sources where each chapter comes from incase you intend to read the manga and skip around to catch up, and the anime adapts some sections to have additional jokes that fit very naturally in to the story. It also covers up some of those problems only manga can have like having a concert segment without any actual music involved, until they invent mp3-paper it's just something we'll have to live with. Translation work was pretty good (I watched the [WhyNot] release for those who care), which is extra important for something as difficult to translate as jokes from another language. The set of episodes they chose to end on was very good, and was expanded to be a lot more impactful in the anime. If it wasn't for the last episode being as strong as it was I may have given up on finding the manga when I saw it wasn't super easy to read online.

As for what the anime fails in, some episodes feature some really blatant over-acting that doesn't really help make characters believable, and there's this obnoxious gag that continues the whole where through where most scenes have a few seconds long line from what is essentially a forced mascot character, which usually mean nothing and only serve to harm the pacing of many episodes (there isn't even any sort of equivalent bit in the manga so I really don't know why they did it, most of the anime original jokes are pretty good so I just really don't get it). The biggest issue the anime faces is that the source material is about 140 chapters, while the anime is only able to cover 24 chapters. This comes with a LOT of problems, the first being what I'd call the "required reading". SoreMachi is not a 1-note simple comedy where you can skip to any chapter and be completely okay; There are many small but meaningful subplots lying beneath, and characters have a fair bit of development throughout. What this means for the anime is that the first 3-4 episodes are just the first few chapters of the manga, which are a bit rough and not as good as the majority of the work, which is true of a lot of comics (god fuck I promise there will be more than a first chapter of my comic I promise it'll get better fuck). In terms of the anime by itself, I'd say episode 1 is decent, 2 is middling, and by 3/4 their still taking a while to introduce members of the cast, and I didn't immediately want to finish it. I put the show down for a long time until my internet started dying and I wanted to watch something fun. Slapping it back on at episode 5 I immediately had a great time and watched the rest of the show pretty soon after. While I understand the reasoning behind doing this, the anime does not pay off this structure, as beyond the first few episodes, the chapters start being presented out of release order and out of chronological order, kind of destroying any consistent throughline. This decision in and of itself isn't the worst, since the comic isn't always chronological, and the volume ordering is a bit different from the release ordering, but the inconsistency makes the first few episodes feel lessened without reason. The other large failure that comes with only animating about 1/7th of the entire work is that many themes and concepts that are core to the manga are not represented in the anime well at all. One of the biggest is the rare but unnerving supernatural chapters, of which only one is animated, and not a particularly good one. In order to talk about these themes I'll have to transition into talking about the manga itself, since they aren't part of the anime.

DA MANGA: So one last recommendation that you read the manga, the whole damn thing. Cus we're gettin into themes and character moments that take a long time to pay off, and obviously is all part of my interpretations, so if that stuff means anything to you don't let me ruin it for ya.

The title of the manga is, in essence, the entire manga's "punchline" in that every chapter could meaningfully end with simply the text "And yet the town still turns..." (My translation of the title, fuck "And yet, the town revolves" or "But the town moves"); by this I mean most chapters end in an anti-climax where a mystery is left unsolved, or a mystery is solved and undercut by the realization that life simply keeps on going without much change. This is used to essentially force your eyes open to all possibilities when reading, as the main character spends her time acting like a detective, and these mysteries end up as either misunderstandings, secrets, riddles, and sometimes something out of the ordinary happens that makes you unable to pin anything down firmly. Similarly, these endings aren't always read-and-forget scenarios. Several chapters come back in the form of a continued joke, a continued mystery, or contribute to some greater purpose later. Readers are properly rewarded for keeping everything they can in mind, while also tormenting such people with loose ends.

I enjoy Hotori as a protagonist due to her character being defined not in flaws and strengths, but in mindedness. Hotori seems like a simple "haha she's dumb" character to start, but consistently throughout she proves that her strengths are in memory, observation, and deduction, while lacking in some more common sense and abilities. Her brain works in strange ways that some people may or may not understand, such as her need to think through even the most trivial fictional scenarios, which I relate to deeply.

The art and paneling throughout are wonderful. Ishiguro Masakazu is one of those artists who draws very simple characters, but knows how to use details and depth to breath so much life into the artwork. He also clearly uses the occasional supernatural happenings as an excuse to draw what he loved, as all sorts of artistic depictions of the supernatural come out that simply look satisfying. These parts obviously meant a lot to him since he's been working on a primarily mystery-action manga that has a lot more of that stuff in it. (Also, as hindsight is 20/20, if you've read any of his new work you'll notice that the main character of it is eerily similar to a character who shows up very late in SoreMachi that the author obviously fell in love with, cus she just keeps coming back and even ends up with a really unsettling end to her character arc despite only being introduced as a component in a harmless mystery. Feel free to call me out for the same shit 30 years from now when I'll probably do the same shit)

I'd like to get into some of the major themes of this work, as a lot of them hit very close to my mind (which I guess is true of any theme you recognize for yourself, you wouldn't really "get it" if it didn't mean something to you...).

The simplest theme, again, comes from the title. The main character, Hotori, expresses a desire that the town she lives in continues going on, unchanged forever. This is obviously a fear of change, which ya know, same, but also an exploration of what it means to fear change. Hotori actively tries to keep businesses from closing down, keep friends from leaving, and keep relationships from changing, while simultaneously making all sorts of new relationships and solving mysteries. Hotori even comes to realize that simply learning the truth about something changes the world through your own perspective, and that such changes can't be undone. In spite of this, Hotori mostly gets her wish, any time she fears that a large change will impact the town, its resolved about the same as any other issue. Whether its a message that even time can't keep you from your loved ones and that change isn't worth fearing, or a concession that large changes to the setting would be a bad idea in terms of humor, I can't really decide. This theme reaches it's conclusion in what is one in a series of "ending" kinda chapters at the end of the series. Hotori is faced with a supernatural ethical situation, save her town from destruction at the cost of her existence, or live through the disaster, knowing her town and the people in it will forever be changed. While the actual result is that nobody disappears and nothing is lost, and the event may have simply been a strange dream, Hotori confidently decides that sparing the people in her town from a life altering event is worth giving up her memories with them. A kind of bold spit-in-the-face to the idea that change is okay, where we find that Hotori didn't fear change for herself, but rather for the people around her.

There's another major idea in this manga, which takes a very long time to pay off, and completes its arc at the very very very actual end of the series, the idea of "leading someone to be something". A character that rides that line between main and side character, Shizuka, is a writer of detective novels, who feels the best person to judge her works would be a version of herself without the bias of being the author. She tries to achieve this by leading Hotori to be interested in detective works (including her own) and generally be just like her, starting from a young age. The end result is a young girl dead set on being a detective herself (or at least another novelist), while Shizuka keeps her identity as an author secret. She then uses Hotori as a scapegoat for herself, attempting to see how she would solve various mysteries and use that as inspiration, and this is depicted as though Shizuka were some sort of villain, which she may feel like she is. The end result of it all, though, is that Hotori was likely already a detective-minded person, and that even if Shizuka pushed her down that path, it was Hotori's decision to continue down it, and the very end of the manga is a scene revealing that Hotori figured out Shizuka's secret at some point, and even still respected Shizuka and aspired to reach her, and the two accept each other for who they are. I enjoy this ending a lot, since as an artist I've worried that some of my love or aspirations for and from other artists came with an ulterior motive of wanting a better community for art to exist in, but people are people and will make their own decisions, and some day everyone may be able to become equals in a truly meaningful sense, where everyone is inspired by and guiding each other together.

So that probably didn't mean shit to nobody and I didn't even really talk about anything in the comic like most of the main characters or any of the shit goin on but ya know fuck you go read it, and thanks for reading this.

[aion-rsa]

The Sopranos’ Best End Credit Songs

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There are so many legendary aspects of The Sopranos that it’s hard to pick just one. Between masterful storytelling, deep character development, and uncanny acting, everything comes together to create a show that has been enjoyed for over two decades now. The most artistic aspect of the package, however, may just be the use of music, specifically the unique songs curated personally by creator David Chase that run during each episode’s end credits. 

Ranging from oldies, foreign ballads, jazz compositions, and pure instrumentals, the variety is stunning and can keep you exploring the track list of the series for days. We’ve decided to narrow all of the end credit songs down to the best 15 in the series, listed in chronological order of airing. Enjoy! 

Season 1 Episode 4: Meadowlands 

“Look on Down from the Bridge” by Mazzy Star

The nice father-son moment between Tony and A.J. at the closing of this episode is accompanied by this beautiful track from Mazzy Star. A.J. sees his dad in a whole new light after Meadow tells him that he’s in the mafia, but a simple smile and wink from Tony reassures the youngest Soprano child that he certainly will still “look on down from the bridge” and see his family as the only priority in his life, no matter what criminal occupation he tries to hide on a daily basis. 

Season 1 Episode 7: Down Neck 

“White Rabbit” by Jefferson Airplane

This one follows the pattern of the show choosing to play a song earlier in an episode and then again during the final scene and credits. The Jefferson Airplane hit refers to drug use and being intoxicated, therefore changing as a person in the process. The song plays when Tony is taking prozac mid-episode and during the final scene in which Tony and A.J share an ice cream sundae and some whip cream together. No matter how much the therapy and the meds try to alter Tony’s life, he’ll remain the same man: a depressed mobster and a father who softens for his children. 

Season 2 Episode 10: Bust Out 

“Wheel in the Sky” by Journey

If you haven’t noticed by the time you’re done watching the show, The Sopranos loves to point out how trapped all of the characters are in the lifestyles they have either chosen or been forced into. Tony has betrayal surrounding him at every corner at the end of the second season: Richie and Janice plotting his removal, Carmela falling for a painter who is working in the family home, and Pussy’s FBI informancy reaching a climax. Still, the “wheel in the sky keeps on turning”. Tony finishes the episode having some fun with A.J. on the Stugotz, and he doesn’t “know where he’ll be tomorrow” but he’ll enjoy the time he has in the present. 

Season 2 Episode 12: The Knight in White Satin Armor 

“I Saved the World Today” by the Eurythmics

Tony returns home after disposing of Richie Aprile’s body because Janice shot him to death over a domestic dispute. After informing Carmela of the night’s bloody events, she quickly moves on to the list of chores and homemaker responsibilities she is going to lay at Tony’s feet for the next week while she goes on vacation with Ro Aprile. This apt song from the Eurythmics exemplifies everything Tony has to be in the lives of friends and family around him: always there to save the world for them.

Season 3 Episode 4: Employee of the Month 

“Fisherman’s Daughter” by Daniel Lanois

This Dr. Melfi-centric episode is one of the most deservedly acclaimed hours in the drama’s history. When the final scene gives her a chance to let Tony loose on the monster who assaulted her, she powerfully takes the moral route and declines his services. The camera pans to black solemnly with this haunting instrumental track by Daniel Lanois, a perfect backdrop to allow the audience to ponder everything that just happened and why Melfi was able to maintain strength that so many others wouldn’t have mustered. Anything with singing would have detracted from the environment the writers were trying to create, so this is a great song choice. 

Season 3 Episode 12: Amour Fou 

“Affection” by Little Steven and the Lost Boys

The penultimate episode of the third season features the climax of the relationship between Tony and Gloria, in which the crazy affection that they have for one another boils over into violence. Yet another of the brilliant musical choices this show made was to use the same song twice: once earlier in an episode, and then again in the final scene and credits. This tune, sung by Silvio Dante (Steven Van Zandt) himself, plays with Tony and Gloria spending time together mid-episode and then again at the end credits. 

Season 4 Episode 4: The Weight 

“Vesuvio” by Spaccanapoli

Another example of double dipping on the same song in one episode. The above scene between Carmela and Furio dancing and falling in love right underneath Tony’s nose uses this romantic Italian track by Spaccanapoli, and then uses it again in the final seconds when Carmela is daydreaming about Furio while having sex with Tony. So sensual and heavy, the audience knows that Carmela is going down a path she can’t see through to the end, but the music signifies the passion that she will inevitably entangle herself in for the time being. 

Season 4 Episode 7: Watching Too Much Television 

“Oh Girl” by The Chi-Lites

When an assemblyman starts an affair with Tony’s ex-lover, Irina, there is quite a bit of jealousy and ownership that exudes from the mob boss. This classic from the Chi-Lites plays in the car on the way over to the assemblyman’s house as Tony drives over to confront him about “taking” his mistress from him. It is a song which causes deep reflection and nostalgia for a lost love, and prompts Tony to get emotional listening to it. Wonderful acting by Gandolfini and superb use of in-world music that plays over to the credits, something the show got down to an art and a science simultaneously. 

Season 5 Episode 10: Cold Cuts 

“I’m Not Like Everybody Else” by The Kinks

No, Tony Soprano is certainly not like anybody else. He insists that Janice see anger management counselors at the beginning of this episode, and when she actually improves her mood because of it, his narcissism makes him antagonize her until a typical Soprano family fight breaks out at dinner. Tony walks out of the house with a despicable smile on his face to the tune of this intense rock anthem.

Season 5 Episode 11: The Test Dream 

“Three Times a Lady” by The Commodores

In an episode in which Tony spends 20 minutes literally dreaming about past and future problems in his life, culminating in the murder of Billy Leotardo by Anthony Blundetto, The Commodores soft romance hit plays us out. Tony calls Carmela to report about said dreams, part of which were repeat ones that have happened previously in Tony’s life. It’s nice for the audience to see these two having a tender exchange rather than the tense arguing that normally characterizes their marriage, especially because this was when the two were still separated previously throughout the fifth season. 

Season 6 Episode 4: The Fleshy Part of the Thigh 

“One of These Days” by Pink Floyd

Paulie Walnuts is a fan favorite for a myriad of reasons. Between his gray-haired wings and his immature one-liners, many forget that the mobster had one of the scarier violent streaks in the show. After discovering that his mother was actually his aunt, Paulie gets jealous of Jason Barone’s mother trying to protect him from the mafia after selling the sanitation business that serves as a front for the DiMeo crime family. This psychedelic, hard-rock snippet from Pink Floyd that blares in the credits after Paulie threatens Jason’s life at the end of episode is a strong reminder to the viewer that this is a character who borders on sociopathic most of the time. 

Season 6 Episode 12: Kaisha 

“Moonlight Mile” by The Rolling Stones

Unlike other iconic dramas, The Sopranos loved ending their season finales (and “Kaisha” is technically a season finale with season 6 split into two parts) with relative closure and absolutely no cliffhangers. The family has an enormous Christmas gathering at the Soprano residence, marked by A.J. bringing over an older girlfriend and Meadow’s rare absence from family time. This classic from The Rolling Stones that describes the feeling of trying to get back home off the road fits lovingly with the rare moment of calm before the storm that is the final season of the show.  

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Season 6 Episode 14: Stage 5 

“Evidently Chickentown” by John Cooper Clarke

This closing piece by John Cooper Clarke is actually considered a poetry performance, and the anger and fury that it inspires as Phil Leotardo laments being taken advantage of a few too many times is palpable. This is when we knew that war in New York was going to be bloody. The song also symbolizes the perpetual frustration both Christopher and Tony have with one another when they hug at the former’s baby’s baptism. The final season was certainly kicked up a couple notches as these final credits rolled. 

Season 6 Episode 17: Walk Like a Man 

“The Valley” by Los Lobos

This somber piece plays alongside Christopher picking up a tiny tree in his front yard after Paulie had attempted to destroy everything on his property as revenge for a violent incident. After Christopher thinks they’ve made up, Paulie and the gang start making fun of his infant daughter and laughing in his face. It is at this point that Chris understands he is forever an outsider, not loved by a single person on the planet. He will just trudge along and try to keep upright, which are themes displayed in this chilling and melancholy song of choice. 

Season 6 Episode 21: Made in America 

“Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey

The most famous song in the show is also the final one that plays right before the screen goes to black and Tony Soprano’s fate is left up to our own imagination (kind of). It’s technically not an end credits song, but there’s no way it can be excluded from this list. The song represents the nostalgia of sharing one final family meal together, the simplicities of the Soprano family when you strip away the mobster lifestyle and the murder, and it encourages the audience to never stop believing their favorite mob boss is still alive if that’s what they so choose to desire. A special ending to a legendary show!

The post The Sopranos’ Best End Credit Songs appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[dorminchu]

30 DAY CHALLENGE [NSFW] CHAPTER(S) 12-14 -- WIP

I made this picture/edit on my phone because I have too many feelings. New chapter(s) of the 30 days fic (it’s more of a tryptich, honestly) are taking longer than expected because it keeps getting softer and more complex? Spicy, too, with quite a bit of angst but there is a lot of soft emotion as well, I promise! :)

I usually name the chapters after lyrics or a phrase but I’d argue this tryptich’s collective theme would be Toxic but it’s Deftones Change (In the House of Flies). Shoutout to the friend from middle school who recommended the OG Toxic to me in the first place. You know who you are.

Three WIPs below the cut. Last one is NSFW:

I.

There was so much time to fritter away without a war on the backburner, and her eyes were boring into him. Every time they locked eyes now he'd get that same, absurd itch in the back of his mind from a year ago, the one that sharpened his tongue and made him want to act in ways he didn't think he should attempt to justify whilst sober.

When she came back indoors, the tension had gone from her shoulders, a defeated look in her eye he'd never wanted to see after all these years.

She looked at his patch then his working eye, as if considering the best way to blind him permanently.

"You're all I have left," she spoke to his shoulder. "I cannot let you live with what you've done, what you've taken from my country—" she inhaled, viciously, like she was trying to convince herself of this "—but, you're all I have."

He touched her arm. She did not flinch but looked up to him, her pale eyes wide and searching. He embraced her for a lack of knowing what he should say, and her arms hung limp at her sides.

"You did what was asked of you," he told her. "You don't have to fight anymore."

She locked up, shuddering. "I thought you would be dead." She pushed herself away, biting her lip. "I thought—I would be smart enough to do it myself."

"Nothing's stopping you."

Her eyes widened. He did not smile. She looked away, almost hyperventilating.

"I didn't want it to be you," words rushed, teeming with remorse, as though she were already attending his eulogy, desperate for atonement, "oh god, I never wanted it to be you, you should have died in—"

He cupped her face. He was thinking not of this room but the girl in the Titan, in the crystal, atrophying for years, able to hear him but afraid to respond for what he would do.

"You don't have to face this by yourself anymore," he said, unsure to whom he was speaking. "I—we've got each other."

Her eyes hardened. "We’re not family."

"I'm not your father, either."

She wrenched away as if revolted, eyes wet. "Don't."

He kept her at arm's length. "I’m not your father, and I won't try to be."

Her expression crumbled. She hid against his chest and shuddered, and all he could think to do was hold her.

II.

In the night he rolled over onto his bad leg and the pain woke him. She was standing over him, staring at his face as though he were on his deathbed.

"Does it hurt?" She indicated his leg.

"Sometimes." Again, that searching look from before. He studied her face for a moment for signs of age, finding naught but scars. "Can't sleep?"

"Can you?"

He frowned. She approached without words, sat down beside him.

"I'll stay with you until you fall asleep," she said. He stiffened as he felt her weight join his on the mattress. "Just sleep," she murmured, pulling her into his chest. "I won't leave you."

She was so much smaller than he remembered and it was moments such as this where their disparity was only thrown into relief. She laid down at his right shoulder, and he put an arm around her. He could feel the rise and fall of her back against his fingers through her thin undershirt, the softness of her hair on his cheek. He'd dreamt about this a lot when he was sixteen, the tragedy of her betrayal not fresh but still painful in his mind. He had no energy left to hate her, for she was not his enemy.

It was almost noon when he woke up alone, hard, the smell of her imprinted on the sheets and his memory. For a few miserable seconds he convinced himself this was a dream and he'd wake up for real momentarily, scaring the shit out of Mikasa, but when he sat up he could see her sitting at the end-table, working on her shirt, and he felt such a terrific yearning--for what, he could not say--that grasped his lungs, rendering him mute, content to watch her; if he spoke a word to her, he’d break the spell.

III.

She was biting her fist; he took that arm and threw it around his neck, worrying her lip with his teeth until she was groaning, rocking slower, slower as she tightened up. He kept kissing her, chin to throat to breasts to collarbone, tonguing a stripe up the pale column of her throat. She shuddered, catching the back of his head and raising herself against him, and he looked so serious that she almost wanted to tease him, but then he captured her lips again.

"Annie," he growled, not in disgrace but in warning, lowering his hips, fisting his cock, 'I have to—"

She let him pull out. Standing there with his dick in his hand, she felt a strain of pity for him as well as her own ruined orgasm.

"Sit." She slapped the counter with a palm, voice tinged with frustration.

"Ngh?"

"If you don't want to make any more of a mess, the least you could do is come in my mouth."

Eren barely flinched, laughing huskily. "Fuck, all right. C'mere."

He threw himself into a nearby chair and she dropped to her knees, palming his thighs. He thumbed her mouth until she nipped at him in retort, whereupon his voice turned husky and he eased her onto his cock. He was already wound-up; all it took was a bit of before he came, a strangled groan. Annie pulled back like she was avoiding a gunshot.

He looked just as surprised as she did.

"Fuck," he muttered, flushed. "That wasn't, uh."

Annie tried. Wasn't especially good or terrible, but at least she had his interest again. "It's fine. I'm just that good, right?"

He chuckled. "You don't have a goddam clue."

She watched him put it away, buttoning up his chinos without another word.

"We can do it again," she offered, "if you want."

"Right now?" She hesitated. Eren rolled his shoulders. "I've got fuck-all to do to-morrow morning. How 'bout then?"

She raised her eyebrows. "All… right."

He studied her a moment longer, chewing his tongue. "Did you finish?"

Annie shrugged. "It's all right."

"Oh." He turned pensive again.

"To-morrow morning," she insisted, half-amused and half-exasperated at his demeanour. "You can make it up to me if you like."

"Yeah, all right." He was still surly.

"You don't have to hold back with me."

"Well," he said, "it's not that I don't want to fuck you. But I don't want to overdo it. If I go and give you a limp, who's going to help me out with the chores?"

"I'll help," she said. "No problem."

Eren smirked. "Are you sure you know what you're askin' for?"

Her expression did not falter. "You think you'll hurt me," she said, brusque. "You've always been this way. But you won't, I'll show you."

He studied her expression. "I'm technically lame, you know. Maybe you should be on top."

She scoffed. "Don't be an idiot."

"Hm? I thought you liked being on top."

Annie's smile was all in her eyes. "I don't have to be on top of you to take the lead."

He blinked. "I know."

"Then why ask?"

He shrugged. "Sometimes I like to hear you say it."

She wanted to kiss him without teeth for saying something so utterly masochistic. She wanted to run her fingers through his hair and hold him closer, a strange and unflattering response for a Warrior of her calibre, but she did not give in to such fancy.

"Hm," she said, looking at the remains of her shirt. "You're just as reckless as I remember."

"Fuck, that's right," he muttered, deflating somewhat. "You need a new shirt."

"I'll fix it myself." By necessity, all the trainees knew how to darn their own clothes. It was true to Annie's nature that she added: "It can't be that different than sewing up a wound."

Eren grunted. "Yeah, I've got some thread you can use.

Note: Order of chronology goes: 1 3 2

[zero2heroyesindeed]

So Tangled the series ends in just a few hours.

What can I say about this show, this wonderful wonderful show. I still remember my reaction to that first promo image in 2015 and being excited since this was the first Disney movie to series spin off in years and with how much the landscape of tv animation had changed in that time (much more focus on overarching stories and continuous, in-depth character arcs) it would no doubt be interesting to see. I remember everyone HATING that the hair was back but I didn’t mind as long as it made sense and was part of a good story and OH MY WAS IT PART OF A GOOD STORY.

Tangled the series is a show that somehow feels like it’s been around forever yet also feels like it’s not been around long at all. I watched Before Ever After the day it came out and same with What the Hair. A few months later I binged from Rapunzel’s enemy to Max’s enemy and fell in love with this show. The stunning art style and flowing animation, the respect and attention put into making the returning characters feel exactly as we remember them while also perfectly integrating every new character flawlessly into the world. The show completely eclipsed the original movie in every possible way in my opinion. And it only got better the further we got into this story and lore.

Instead of continuing on about how amazing this show is and how grateful I am for it’s existence as both a Disney obsessed teen and animation fan and I just wanna sing the praises of the crew, there are countless posts more we’ll put together than mine that accomplish that. So what i’m gonna do is instead throw it all the way back to the first season and go in chronological order and pin point the 10 most important moments in the series as a fandom. These are not the most emotional or impactful moments, just things that were a huge deal in the fandom.

1: Life After Happily Ever After

The first ever real impression of the series we got and an indication of what a ride we would be in for. Bringing in Alan Menkin to continue writing the music showed just how far this show was going to go to create the most faithful continuation as possible. It was also the introduction to our precious Cass and showed Eugene getting ready for the first of many proposals we would see throughout the series.

2: Eugene and Rapunzel talk after the coronation disaster

Who could ever forget when Rapunzel and Eugene officially became the most developed and healthy Disney couple. This was basically the moment most people fell in love with the series and it’s not hard to see why. Tangled the Series wasn’t just cute Princess hijinks with some action thrown in, it took it’s characters and their relationships seriously in a way now Disney show had ever done up to that point and could be mature. Rapunzel asking Eugene to be patient with her to this day still gives me chills and showed the direction this show was taking Rapunzel’s character and we were all along for the ride.

3: Rapunzel dreams of Gothel

OOH BOY this moment. While the fandom was still relatively small by this point this moment sent everyone into an absolute frenzy. While Before Ever After featured mentions of the Sun Flower and the King’s ptsd of losing Rapunzel, this was when the flood gates opened for all the angst and tears. Rapunzel’s trauma of the tower and Gothel’s treatment of her were not gonna be glossed over, they would be explored in excruciating detail which to this day is still one of the greatest elements of the series. Just because Gothel is gone doesn’t mean the 18 years of abuse she put Rapunzel through magically heals (pun intended).

4: Varian’s introduction

I don’t even need to say anything for this one. It’s Varian. (gonna be honest. It is 3am in my corner of the globe and I am struggling to find the energy to keep writing this much, so we’re just gonna rush through the rest of these).

5: Big Brothers of Corona/ aka Eugene is a perfect human being

This was the episode that cemented Eugene as one of my favourite Disney characters of all time. I can not count how many times I have rewatched the ending to this one alone. But it was also a fantastic episode for developing Lance’s character and integrating him as part of the shows main cast moving forward despite this only being his second appearance. Also I forgot how small Red and Angry (or the girls formally known as Red and Angry) were.

6: You promised!

This is still my favourite callback to the movie the show ever did. To me Rapunzel saying she never breaks a promise in the original movie feels out of place. Like Rapunzel keeping her promises was going to be a huge part of the story early in development and that line is just a reminant of that draft that should’ve really been taken out. But I don’t care because it gave us this beautiful moment. Also this moment cemented Nigel as my most hated character on the show.

7: “Difficult decisions are what make us who we are”

I can’t with this scene and just how brilliant this episode was at dealing with the fall out of Queen For a Day and how crucial it was to Rapunzel’s character development in retrospective. Everything she has done in season 3 and every action she has taken can be tied back directly to what she learned in this moment. If that ain’t good story telling then I don’t know what is.

8: The Tower Falls

I’m just gonna say it. This is my favourite scene from the series. Everything in this moment is perfection. The music, the staging, the visuals, the emotion. It all builds to an absolutely devastating climax as Rapunzel watches her childhood home crumble to the ground leaving behind one pieces of the walls she used to paint on. If wanna frame the moment Rapunzel starts tearing up as the tower collapses and display it on my mantle because I love it so much.

9: Rapunzel reaches her limit

I couldn’t finish this episode for hours after seeing this first scene. Rapunzel finally took a stand against her father and I was just making inaudible gasps throughout my first time watching it. Then there’s that bombshell at the end where Raps compares her father’s actions to that of Gothel’s that never fails to shake me to my very core no matter how many times I rewatch it.

10: Ready As I’ll Ever Be

What? We’re you expecting the biggest song this show was turned out to not make the list? I mean it was the first time Tangled the series was able to get the attention of those outside the fan base and hooked so many people into checking the show out. This was the moment Tangled the series just left the movie in the dust and from there it just kept pushing further and further with each season.

Not really sure how I should end this. I am very emotional and very tired but I refuse to go to sleep. I am staying up until this finale drops because I am not going to go to sleep knowing i’ll wake up in a world where Tangled the Series is over. This show is a once in a lifetime experience that is in my top 5 television shows of all time. It might not have had the legacy of Phineas and Ferb or the popularity of Gravity Falls but it had so much love, energy and passion behind it and you can tell everyone making this show loved it just as much as we did. I’ll probably end up doing lists like this for season 2 and 3 when I get around to binging the entire Tangled franchise (which will probably be around Summer).

Thank you to the indescribably talented crew of writers, animators, designers, and directors (and I am so sorry if I missed any other positions out but you are all so amazing). Thank you Mandy and Zach for giving your voices to Rapunzel and Eugene and letting us explore their life after Happily Ever After and letting their journey continue. Thank you Eden, Jeremy and James for bringing life to Cass, Varian and Lance who expanded the world of Tangled and felt like perfect additions to the main cast. Thank you Alan Menkin and Glen Slater for continuing to write phenomenal music and putting in your all for something you clearly didn’t even need to do in the first place. Every piece of music for this show has left me breathless (and not just from belting Waiting in the Wings to myself). This 3 year Journey has been simply sensational and I can’t wait to see how it all ends.

Next stop anywhere!

[cactusstree]

1994 v.s. 2019: My Thoughts On The New Little Women Adaptation

Before I start, I would like to say this is a VERY biased review, it is not meant to be objective. I have always loved the 1994 Little Women, and I definitely went into the theater knowing that I would still prefer it. I absolutely enjoyed the new adaptation and I’m sure I will be watching it again in the future, but there are certain things that I feel just can’t be changed about the original.

Jo March

Going into the theater, i had low expectations of Saorise's portrayl of Jo simply because i think Winona Ryder cannot be beat. I still prefer Winona, but i was pleasantly surprised with Saorise. I felt Saorise really captured Jo's tomboyish personality, when I was afraid she would not. I was happy to see Jo's masculine costuming; it seems Gerwig was able to "get away" with more gender nonconformity than the first movie could.

Jo March+ Laurie

In terms of Jo and Laurie's relationship, I have mixed feelings. In the 1994 version, it seemed as though Jo was certain in her feelings towards Laurie. Although it pained her to lose a dear friendship, she never really regretted it besides "I shouldn't turn down perfectly good marriage proposals." In 2019, however, Jo seemed much more indecisive after the two characters argument after Meg's wedding. It appeared that she may actually love Laurie romantically. I felt this was inconsistent, especially because 2019 Jo was much more aggressive in her first refusal, even to the extent that I was hoping Gerwig might actually allow Jo to be a lesbian (as we all know she is). Jo even said something along the lines of "I wish I had those feelings towards you but I don't," which is what got my hopes up.

Personally, I have always felt that Jo made the correct decision in turning down Laurie, as I picture their relationship to be more similar to brother and sister.

Jo March+ Friedrich

I have to say I was very disappointed with this movie's Friedrich. While of course I would prefer that Jo end up independent, we all know that is not going to happen. Therefore, I want her to end up with her intellectual equal, and someone who genuinely cares about her. In 1994, it is firmly established that Friedrich is dirt poor, and has many similar interests to Jo. On the other hand, 2019 only hints at Friedrich's poverty, and makes little to no effort in making him a lovable character; there are only a few interactions shown between him and Jo, and none of them really struck me as anything special. For instance, 2019 Friedrich offers Jo a set of Shakespeare's complete works, and while this is certainly a kind gesture, it doesn't really showthat they have much in common besides a love of literature. In 1994, Friedrich and Jo have an entire conversation about trancendentalism, not only establishing that they have more specific interests in common, but also showing that Jo's parents, while poor, are deeply involved in political and intellectual movements.

I really missed the tender 1994 moment where Friedrich invites Jo to an opera, which we know she has always wanted to attend, and they kiss in the "worst" seat in the theater. Friedrich was not able to afford nice seats, but he wanted Jo to have the opera experience, as he knew she would love it. In 2019, Friedrich simply observes Jo enjoying the opera while he sits in a nice seat and she stands, once again not really establishing any sort of connection between the two.

1994 Friedrich's criticisms of Jo's writing seem genuine. They come from a place of "you are talented and you write entertaining stories, but they don't seem to really come from your heart." Of course, Jo is offended at first but she comes to realize that she needs to write about her family, not just adventure stories. Therefore, Friedrich's criticisms are actually constructive and help Jo along her path. 2019 Friedrich really only says "I don't like it" which doesn't help Jo at all, and then it seems like she had to humble herself and stop being offended? Once again, this doesn't make any sense. Jo had every right to be offended when this man she barely knows starts criticising her life's work with no helpful suggestions. I felt that tension was never really resolved.

And of course, Jo and Friedrich's final scene where they kiss in the rain will always hold a special place in my heart. I love the 1994 version of course because it's simply beautiful. I love the fact that two of them are alone in the rain on the pathway leaving Orchard house. I didn't really enjoy the train station setting as much because it felt less special, especially when they're surrounded by people. Also, the 2019 version just quickly went over one of my favorite moments, when Friedrich says "I have nothing to give you, my hands are empty" (which of course in more powerful in 1994 because of how strongly Friedrich's poverty is established) and Jo responds by holding his hands and saying "not empty now."

This moment was included in 2019, but it didn't feel as special to me.

I think Gerwig tried to make up for Friedrich's characterization by showing that LM Alcott would prefer that Jo ended up a spinster, but I just don't think this was the right way to go. Like I said, I would like Jo to be independent as well, but if she does end up with a man I would like to feel happy for her. Gerwig's juxtaposition between Alcott getting her book published and Jo's moment with Friedrich was clever, but it took me out of the moment and made the last few scenes much less enjoyable.

Marmee

I felt 2019 focused much less on Marmee, which was disappointing to me. That isn't to say Laura Dern did a poor job, just that I have a closer connection to Susan Sarandon. There were several more scenes in 1994 that included Marmee, so I think the audience has more time to become attatched to her. Also, I didn't like that there were a few sarcastic quips between Marmee and the father (such as when father March jokes that he should move to California? I just didn't quite get that).

Mr. Laurence

Something I will say I prefer about 2019 is the emphasis on Mr. Laurence. I LOVED seeing his close friendship with Beth, especially the scene where he listens to her play the piano in his home, and later when he and Jo enter Orchard House together after Beth's death. I felt his inclusion helped Beth seem more significant.

Chronology

While I understand what Gerwig was trying to do with the way she ordered the scenes, I think chronological order is the best way to go. I liked that 2019 ordering was able to make some interesting parallels between the girl's childhood and young adulthood, such as Beth's first and last illnesses, Amy's relationship with Laurie, Jo's childhood at Orchard House and her later return. The problem I have, however, is that the constant scene switching made it more difficult to connect with the characters. One of the reasons we as an audience care so much about the girl's adulthood is because we saw them being foolish, we saw the way they care for one another, etc. This is especially apparent in Laurie's character, because he's kind of an asshole in young adulthood. In 1994, we put up with that because he is so charming in the first half of the movie. In 2019, not much is convincing me that I like Laurie as a character until we're further into the movie. It also took away from the audience's view of Beth. In 1994, we are relieved that she survives the first wave of scarlet fever, and that relief makes her later death more powerful. In 2019, her first and second waves of illness are depicted simultaneously, which makes it difficult for the audience to calm down. For me, this just meant a full ten minutes of tears streaming down my face, I never got a break!

Amy

Listen, I loved Florence Pugh as Amy, but I really really wish they had a younger actress to depict her as a child. I don't mean this as an insult towards Pugh, because I think she did a wonderful job, it was just incredibly difficult for me to believe she was the youngest child during their childhood scenes.

Amy+ Laurie

I have never really loved that Amy and Laurie ended up together, but their 2019 relationship felt even less resolved than 1994. One of the things that helped their 1994 relationship is the moment where Amy is being sent away due to Beth's illness and she laments (in her overdramatic fashion) to Laurie that she has never been kissed. Laurie promises her that he will kiss her before she dies. This sets up a potential for their romantic relationship, and establishes that they both care for one another. In 2019, it isn't really confirmed that Laurie cares for Amy more that her sister. In 1994, Laurie and Amy have a full conversation about how Amy doesn't want to be loved for her family, but rather for being herself, Larie then has to get his act straight and prove to her that he really does love her for who she is. In 2019, they have this same conversation but it never felt completed. It seemed like Amy just gave in, especially because she was so distraught about her sister's death. I will say that I loved 2019 Amy's moment where she explains marriage is very much an economic agreement for women, as I feel that was important to acknowlege in their time period.

1994 Jo's reaction to their marriage also felt like more of a resolution. She seems genuinely happy for them. That isn't to say that 2019 Jo isn't happy for them either, but she is clearly more upset and hasn't finished moving on.

Cineamatography

It is difficult for me to compare 1994 and 2019 in this aspect, as I genuinely loved both. I think 1994 focused more on details and domestic scenery, whereas 2019's landscape shots were more impressive. For instance, I loved that Gerwig included a scene at the beach because it was simply beautiful, and gave the audience something new to look at. The ice skating scenes and the scene right after Meg's wedding were really lovely in my opinion. However, I vastly prefer 1994's depiction of Orchard House. It just seems so much more inviting to me.

(I can't find a good picture of 2019 Orchard House, though I have heard it is more closely modeled to LM Alcott's actual home, so that is something, I just didn't really like it)

I thought these scenes were beautifully framed, I loved it!

Costuming

I absolutely loved the costuming in 2019, especially Jo's writing coat!

Soundtrack

1994 soundtrack makes me weep tears of joy and nostalgia every time I hear it. 2019 doesn't even come close.

[imagine-lcorp]

To Be a Hero (Part IV)

A/N: Hi everybody!!Been a while, uh? Fortunately, here it is! the last part of this series!! Really happy to finally finish this, I hope you guyes enjoyed it, as always let me know what you think and kudos to the people that requested this and the next chapters, love you all! 

Lena Luthor & Metahuman Daugther R//Word Count: 1,964

- Part I - Part II - Part III - Part IV - Full Text -

-------------------------------------------------

It was midnight when Lena received the first call that was about to turn her life around.

It had been a couple of months after the attack of the Lost Sons of Liberty and she was still getting used to the silence in her own house. A silence that was plagued with echoes of chattering and laughter of someone that was no longer there. And Lena did not believe in the supernatural but she could have sworn she had seen the ghost of you a couple of times already. It was hard trying to sleep with your silhouette adorning the door frames and your voice calling her in a muffled whisper.

So she rolled on the bed and took her phone from the nightstand after the third ring, mostly so she could stop the noise of it and hear another voice that wasn't the ghost of yours.

"Lena?" She hear from the other side once she answered, not bothering to look at the number ID.

"What is it, Alex?" Lena recognized her voice but couldn't identify its urgency at first.

"I'm sorry I woke you up."

"Don't worry, I'm sure there's something going on so, what is it?" Lena asked hoping there would be something at least interesting to distract her mind.

"There is indeed something going on, but I need you to come to the DEO." She heard Alex sigh. "It's about (Y/N)."

At the sound of your name Lena jolted fully awake from her bed. "What about (Y/N)?"

"I would like to explain it to you, but I think it's better if you see it for yourself."

A thousand things crossed Lena's mind in that single moment and only one strong enough to set her into motion. Hope.

"I'm on my way." She finally said.

When Lena arrived, she was taken to the conference room at the DEO. Alex, Winn, J'onn and Kara were already there, looking at the screens and reading papers as if they were getting ready for a new mission. They almost didn't see her come in as she spoke.

"Lena-" Kara tried to ease the following conversation.

"What is it?" Lena asked as a manner of a salute, leaving the formalities aside.

None of them was bothered by this as they knew why had decided to come in the first place. She was a worried mother about to do the impossible to have her daughter back.

"A month ago our radars started to record certain signatures of radioactive activity." Alex started and handed Lena the file records as she took a seat near her. "We didn't put much attention to it, after the attack of the Lost Sons of Liberty we thought it may have been a glitch."

"What do you mean a glitch?" They looked at each other briefly in awkward silence as Lena passed the pages and read the reports.

"After the radioactive explosion, they were reading seconds of activity in many other locations." J'onn added.

"Yeah, it was like there were being many mini radioactive explosions everywhere." Winn continued. "I double checked the systems. It wasn't an error."

"All these places..." Lena said, still looking at the reports. "(Y/N) was in all of them at least once."

"We noticed that too." Alex turned to face Kara, encouraging to speak.

"I went to check most of them, to make sure there wasn't something out of the ordinary but in every location there was at least someone telling me they had seen some kind of-" Kara struggled to find a word for a moment. "Ghost."

"Ghost?" Lena lifted her eyes from the papers and looked straight at Kara. She flinched slightly at the intensity of Lena's stare. "Are you really telling me a bunch of strangers saw the ghost of my dead daughter?"

Lena thought it had to be some kind of sick joke. She had come to the DEO against all reason, holding some hope in her heart that there would be a kind of miracle that could erase the past weeks of longing and solitude, or at least something that could help her ease the pain of your absence. She certainly hadn't come to hear about the undead. She had enough with the traces of you at home.

"N-no, Lena, no." Kara blurted immediately. "I'm telling you the truth."

"I promise you, Miss Luthor, it is not a game for us." J'onn spoke, her voice calm and collected. Lena imagined he had pondered for a long time before revealing this to her, not wanting to bring her any more sorrow. So she listened and Kara continued.

"At first, we weren't sure about this either but after I visited one of those locations, the music shop in Warden Street, I talked to the owner. He said he was so excited he had finally caught a poltergeist on camera and then showed me his security cameras. Winn, could you?"

"Yes, right." Winn pulled his laptop from the table and after a few seconds the screens in the conference room were on and displaying the security footage from inside the shop.

Lena's eyebrows were going up slowly as she watched second by second the images on the screens. There was a circle of light forming in the middle of the shop, then there was a small explosion, a strong pulse coming from inside the light, expanding and contracting until Lena could see some sort of figure emerging from it. It all looked like a bundle of cables moving and trying to find a way to hold themselves onto the air until Lena realized it had the resemblance of a human body.

"I used the DEO system to identify more security cameras that could have been near this locations. I put the few videos I was able to collect in chronological order and while revising them, well, I think we found more of (Y/N)'s ghost. Look."

As Winn showed each video, the figure coming and forming from these little explosions was taking better shape. Lena could see it now. The nervous system, the bones, the muscles showing progressively like it was a puzzle finding its own form, its own body.

"Lena, we think (Y/N)'s trying to come back." Alex said. "We just haven't figured out how."

The first time Lena ever held you in her arms she had feared for a moment she wouldn't be a good mother. Scared that she couldn't protect you from the evils of the world, scared that she could hurt you too. After all, what did she really know about motherhood? But she loved you. She had loved you the first instant she ever knew about your existence and even more the moment she saw you. You had looked so tiny and fragile once you came into this world that she had sworn to protect you no matter the cost. So that was what she was gonna do.

"Then we will." She assured, more to herself than to anyone else in the room, and they all set to work.

Needless to say, it was complicated task. One day you would be back at the music shop and the next you would be on another corner of the world. There were also many times when Lena returned home hoping she would catch any sign of your silhouette or hear your voice. But your appearances were too erratic and too short to even recreate an ordered pattern. Lena had never seen something like this, not even when you had first tried your powers.

"We have to give her time." Lena suddenly said one evening as she and the rest of the team watched the last video Winn had been able to retrieve of you.

"Uh, how much?" Winn asked a bit confused. "Like a week or something?"

She remembered the initial diagnosis the DEO had given about your powers. The ability to travel from one place to another at will by disassembling and reassembling your own cells at will. Lena guessed you were finally learning the cellular part of that while pulling yourself together.

"Just time." Lena assured with a little and confident smile. "She is figuring it out."

They followed your every move after that. Your mom was hopeful every time they were able to catch you on camera as you looked more and more like a whole body.

Sooner or later, she thought, she would have you in her arms again and, after weeks of following you, Lena went to get a peaceful night of sleep. She never imagined, however that, while they were waiting patiently for your return, the wait for you was already over that same night...or day.

It had been during the late evening when Diana felt the sudden change of energy inside the room. She had been in the Louvre, taking care of the final details in the pieces for the next exhibit, when she felt the air turn heavier and had thanked the gods no one else had been there to see what occurred next.

There was a small explosion in the middle of the room as a tangled figure emerged from the light. Diana had to cover her eyes for a moment to be able to see nerves and veins, bones, muscles and skin, all finding their way and wrapping around to form a human figure. It all finished in seconds and with another flash of light as your body fell heavily to the floor and Diana was finally able to recognize you. She ran to your side, making sure you were in fact you and you hadn't suffered any other kind of injury.

"(Y/N)? Can you hear me?" Diana took you gently on her lap and tried to wake you up.

You opened your eyes slowly, trying to adjust to the newfound light and focused them on her. If you hadn't felt so tired and out of breath you would had slapped yourself on the forehead in annoyance. You weren't suppose to be this far from home.

"Why France?" Diana heard you say with an annoyed but happy grunt before you fainted.

That's when the second call came in.

It had been two in the morning when Lena jolted awake and grabbed her phone imagining it would be Kara or Alex, or someone else at the DEO, to finally tell her you were here. When she answered she heard a familiar voice just not one she had expected.

"Diana?" Lena frowned a bit in confusion. She and diana were good friends and she was not unused to her calls but this was different. She sounded different.

"I'm sorry if I wake you up but you need to come." And with that Lena knew. "It's (Y/N). She's back."

It may have been the fastest trip Lena Luthor ever took in her life. With the help of Supergirl, she was able to reach Diana's apartment in less than an hour. Lena sat beside you as you laid in Diana's bed. Diana had explained to them what had happened at the museum and how you had been sleeping since. She looked at you, the slow rhythm of your respiration and the features of your face. She almost didn't believe you were there.

Then Lena saw you take a deep breath and open your mouth slightly.

"Am I in trouble?" You mumbled a moment after.

"Not yet, young lady, but we'll be having a long conversation about playing the hero." She managed to say, keeping the tears at bay and touching your face gently. "Just wait till we get home, sweetheart."

"Yeah, sounds about right, mom." You said with a little smile playing on your lips. You could be a hero any other day but, for now, it was enough to be back.

[warriorcats-rewrite]

I really need to post more frequently here and actually get to writing (I still need to finish Chapter One of Hawkheart’s Blood which is not good). For now have a long list of things that I plan on changing/some character info in the first arc + the time between the first arc and second arc (in somewhat chronological order). The information is organized by clans.

THUNDERCLAN

The kits who died in Leafbare were Dappletail’s kits, Featherkit and Cricketkit. Dappletail was seen as crazy for having kits “at her age” and when they died not many cats showed her sympathy. Dappletail retired early due to the stress of her kits’ deaths, especially Featherkit. Speckletail is one of the couple cats who supported Dappletail (the others being Goldenflower and Thrushpelt)

When Snowkit turns out to be deaf, Dappletail offers to help mentor him since Featherkit was deaf.

Tigerclaw claims Redtail was killed while fighting Oakheart, who also died in the fight, when he brings Redtail’s body back. In ThunderClan framing a cat as a hero makes you appear as a better cat, so the clan takes more of a liking to Tigerclaw for taking so positively about Redtail

Tigerclaw is a lot more charismatic to get cats on his side. To Fireheart he’s bloodthirsty, but he up until he tries to kill Bluestar he has a lot of cats on strings.

Ravenpaw’s mentor was Redtail before he died. Ravenpaw becomes Tigerclaw’s apprentice.

Dustpaw’s mentor is Leopardfoot

Leopardfoot and Rosetail were mates. When Rosetail was killed in battle, Leopardfoot was heartbroken. Her grief turned into hatred when Yellowfang was allowed to stay in ThunderClan. She only started warming up to Yellowfang when she was treated by the older medicine cat after getting a small injury while out hunting. Yellowfang was a bit kinder to Leopardfoot, and told her about how she respected Rosetail as a fine warrior whenever she was at a gathering.

Leopardfoot offers to help bury Yellowfang along with her brother after the fire dies down.

Longtail disliked Fireheart for so long due to him seeing Fireheart as a ‘replacement’ for his sister Cherrypaw, who died the Leafbare Dappletail lost her kits. He warms up to Fireheart when he gets to know him and realizes he isn’t trying to replace Cherrypaw.

Runningwind sticks with Tigerclaw’s group because he feels like it’s the only place he belonged. When Tigerclaw’s plot is revealed, he’s more ashamed at himself than Tigerclaw. Mousefur comforts him, and helps him get involved in her friend group of Willowpelt, Leopardfoot, and Whitestorm. 

Before he dies he lands a good blow on Tigerclaw’s shoulder, giving him a scar. 

Mistlepaw joins Swiftpaw and Brightpaw to go take on the dogs. She tries to convince Snowpaw to join them, but he declines. Mistlepaw dies from the dogs. Snowpaw finds their bodies and runs back to camp, horrified.

Goldenflower comforts her younger brother, and the two grow very close after the deaths. Bramblekit and Tawnykit are taught cat sign language, Tawnypaw later bringing it to ShadowClan

Brackenpaw becomes interested in medicine when he watches Yellowfang treat Cinderpaw for her leg injury and his siblings for their coughs. Yellowfang takes Brackenpaw under her wing before officially making him her apprentice. His medicine cat name is Brackenwhisker (named after Sagewhisker).

Longtail is named Firestar’s second deputy after Whitestorm is slain in the BloodClan battle.

SHADOWCLAN

Scorchwind was Brokenstar’s deputy until he tried to protest the invasion of WindClan. Blackfoot kills Scorchwind for Brokenstar and then becomes deputy

Badgerfang, Blossompaw, and Swamppaw are all killed in the invasion of WindClan

Tallpoppy has Oakkit in secret and tries to hide him. She’s unable to hide him for long, getting caught  by Clawface and Deerfoot. She’s given a nasty scar on her face and Oakkit is made an apprentice extra early. 

After Brokenstar is chased out, Newtspeck and Archeye return. The rest of the elders who were exiled and ended up dying were then given proper burials.

Nightstar wasn’t able to get his nine lives due to a mix of Carrionspill and his serious asthma making it hard for him to leave camp for long periods of time. Cats in ShadowClan called him Nightstar in hopes of the other Clans not seeing them as weak

The illness is called Carrionspill because it came from the Carrionplace and a lot of cats ended up vomiting up the infected rats they ate.

Carrionspill made it hard for cats to keep food down, therefore weakening them. Whitecough ended up spreading through ShadowClan around the same time. Cats who were already suffering with Carrionspill were wiped out by Whitecough.

Darkflower flees ShadowClan when the Carrionspill outbreak begins to join a loner named Goose. Goose and Darkflower are later adopted by a young couple who find them on the streets. 

Tangleburr and Ratscar kill their brother Deerfoot when he tries to kill Tigerstar for ‘breaking ShadowClan’. They later somewhat regret that action when they are forced to watch Stonefur’s execution. 

Tawnypaw was treated like a second deputy under Tigerstar’s rule, which she hated. The only cat who wasn’t frightened by her was Rowanpaw, who had grown accustomed to being yelled at. The two bond easily. 

When Tawnypaw brought up the troubles she faced in ShadowClan, Tigerstar brushed her off. She was only allowed to boss other cats around and watch Tigerstar do horrible things. 

Flintfang becomes leader when he’s elected by Runningnose. Russetfur is named deputy and Littlecloud becomes a full medicine cat.

Magpiewing has Smokekit and Talonkit shortly after Flintstar becomes leader

WINDCLAN

WindClan cats believe that they deserved the horrible conditions they got after being driven out of their home due to attacking the kit warriors ShadowClan sent after them.

Lilywhisker and the retired Hawkheart die while WindClan is traveling the streets. WindClan keeps their bodies until they’re able to return to their territory.

Thrushwing survives the attack by ShadowClan but is left barely able to speak above a whisper. She has Pipitkit (Tawnypaw/fur) moons later. Many cats question why she didn’t name Pipitkit after her brother. She states that she doesn’t want Pipitkit to be judged too harshly by her clanmates for not living up to Stoneclaw’s name, and that she shouldn’t even be judged by StarClan for having to carry that legacy.

WindClan cats see her as wise and smart for that statement. She’s rather annoyed by it since she’s being treated “like a messenger of StarClan”, but she doesn’t try and stop it

When WindClan returns, Tallstar tries to distance WindClan from the other clans. He claims it’s to give WindClan some time to rebuild, but in actuality it’s because he’s scared of losing more cats

Coalfoot advises Tallstar to try and get help from RiverClan, their neighbor. Tallstar hears of Whiteclaw’s death and claims that “RiverClan’s on edge after the death of their clanmate, it’s best we don’t ask for help while they’re greiving.”

Tallstar takes this time to casually visit his boyfriend in twolegplace, Jake.

Eaglepaw and Gorsepaw were really close. When Gorsepaw is killed, Eaglepaw is left alone and scared. Pipitpaw comforts him, along with Thrushwing and Morningflower. 

Darkfoot has Nightkit and Weaselkit when Ashfoot as Crowkit, Downkit, and Hillkit. Downkit and Hillkit are sadly stillborn. Ashfoot becomes a bit overprotective of Crowkit. 

Oatwhisker and Gorsetoe (Gorsetail) are mates. They find an abandoned BloodClan kit after the battle and decide to take him in. They name him Owlkit

Owlkit is nursed by Darkfoot, Ashfoot unwilling to out of fear something would happen to Crowkit.

Heathtail (Rusthtail) and Gorsetoe are brothers

RIVERCLAN

Shimmerpelt and Whitefang were taken by twolegs a moon before Into the Wild.

They were both fixed. Shimmerpelt’s kittypet name was Silk and Whitefang’s was Frosting.

When Fireheart and Graystripe bring Mistyfoot’s kits back, Fireheart is questioned by a few cats if he’s seen either of them (didn’t take long for RiverClan to find out he was formerly of a kittypet).

RiverClan are untrustworthy of ThunderClan due to Oakheart and Whiteclaw’s death. However, when Graystripe comes with his kits begging them for a place to stay, they let him stay in RiverClan.

RiverClan has a very strong sense of family, and will call off battles as soon as a cat dies.

Graystripe and Mosspelt become mates as they raise the kits (Dawnkit (Dawnflower) was born shortly before Featherkit and Stormkit, so they’re raised together).

Leopardfur, Whiteclaw’s mentor, and Blackclaw, Whiteclaw’s older brother, are the only ones who distrust Graystripe.

Heavystep, Shadepelt, and Silverpaw are all siblings born to Mallowtail. SIlverpaw ends up choking on a bit of fish and dying and camp. Nobody in RiverClan talks about it like they usually do about deaths due to how young Silverpaw was and how horrible his death was, being watched by everybody in camp

Heavypaw and Shadepaw have trouble eating after the death of their brother.

Crookedstar and Bluestar’s friendship after the fire in ThunderClan forest becomes the talk of the clan. Cats joke about it until Crookedstar tells them to politely shut up. 

Crookedstar dies just before Tigerstar comes to talk to him. Leopardfur calls herself Leopardstar in hopes of intimidating Tigerstar, but quickly learns he isn’t there just to ‘talk’. She says yes to joining out to prevent his cats from attacking her in such a vulnerable state.

She doesn’t let Tigerstar know she doesn’t have nine lives out of fear he’d replace her for being weak. Only Stonefur and Mudfur know she doesn’t have nine lives.

Her original plan was to, with the help of Stonefur, take down TigerClan from the inside. This plan crumbles beneath her when RiverClan cats begin supporting Tigerstar and Stonefur is killed.

Tigerstar’s supporters are: Blackclaw, Grasswhisker, Skyheart, and Sunfish.

Grasswhisker and Skyheart die in the battle with BloodClan, and Sunfish and Blackclaw are exiled.

When The Battle with BloodClan is over, Leopardstar names Mistyfoot deputy then goes to get her nine lives. She begs StarClan for forgiveness and claims she’ll fix RiverClan and all her mistakes. She gets her nine lives and immediately starts work on fixing RiverClan. During this time she’s kind to her clan while a bit more harsh and snappy than she usually is to the other Clans. 

Volekit and Brushkit (Swallowtail) are found in a sack by the river. Their sibling ended up drowning. Greenflower takes the two kits in.

(i am tired and i accidentally deleted a bunch of stuff so this isn’t all of it)