#so many references to tea in this show and i choose the only one referencing coffee | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

libsterslobsters · 4 years ago

Text

Whole Lotta Love

Synopsis: For some people, Valentine’s Day is another word for "stress", especially when you don't know what the other person is expecting. Several years into their relationship, Bucky’s pretty sure he has a good understanding of the Reader, until a word from Sam makes him question everything he thinks he knows. The race is on to make their first Valentine’s Day since saying their vows a special one, but as per usual, fate has it's own ideas about what will make the holiday truly memorable

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Fem! Enhanced! Super-soldier Reader

(Reader can see bits and pieces of the future in visions as well as speak every language)

Warnings: Smut, Fluff

Author's note: This fic contains references to earlier stories. For more information, click the series masterlist link. As always, the reader is unnamed so that this can be read as a self-insert, but at this point, I think of her as an OC.

The song referenced is Hearts Don't Break Around Here by Ed Sheeran

Series Masterlist

A The Song Remains The Same Fic

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“So, Valentine’s Day.”

Bucky doesn’t look up from his laptop (or more specifically, the field report he’s typing) at Sam’s words. Despite his concentration, he can tell that his partner is staring at him, boring holes into his back with his gaze.

“Uh-huh.” He’s listening, but so far, he doesn’t care.

“What are you doing for it?” For Valentine’s day? Um…

“Not much.” It’s a Tuesday this year, right? Then probably working, like most other people, he’d imagine.

The room is silent as he types, so Bucky assumes that settles the matter. That is, until Sam mutters a quiet, “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.”

“About what?” How many paragraphs does he have to type before he can pass this off as a full report? When he joined the Avengers, he thought the hardest part of his job would be the bad guy of the week, not doing paperwork!

“You’re really not doing anything for Valentine’s Day? Seriously?” He nods absentmindedly and clicks the save icon. He’ll finish this tomorrow. It’s five o’clock. Time to head home. Home to-

“What’s your wife gonna think about that?” He shrugs and cuts the power to the laptop.

“She thinks that the whole holiday is a rip-off. See you Monday?” He turns around for confirmation, only to catch Sam staring at him, mouth hanging wide open. “What?”

“A rip-off?” Is he just going to be stuck repeating himself?

“Yep.” Told him that the first February 14th they spent together.

“And you actually believed her?”

He nods. “She’s not one to lie.”

Sam nods incredulously. “Uh-huh. And are you planning to ever have sex again?”

He’s not going to dignify that with an answer (because really, isn’t it obvious?).

“Fine.” Sam shrugs. “You do you, man. All I’m saying is, if I had a wife who looked like that-” he indicates the lock screen of Bucky’s phone (a picture of her laughing, telling him to put away the damn camera after wrestling the dog for the tie to her favorite robe). “-I’d have my V-day plans set up a month in advance.”

Normally Bucky would take what Sam says with a grain of salt, but he is after all a man out of time, so maybe it’s worth considering that his partner may be right.

“What would you suggest I do?”

“Outside of the bedroom?” He narrows his eyes at the Falcon. “Okay, bad joke.” Sam scratches at the back of his head, thinking. “I don’t know, man. That’s your girl. You know her best, but flowers are always a good place to start.” Good to know that hasn’t changed since the 1940s. Although, last time he brought her flowers, she spent the afternoon sneezing until he eventually convinced her that it was okay, he wouldn’t be offended, she should throw the damn things out. Then again, that was before she was a super soldier.

“Flowers.” He repeats, earning a nod from Sam.

“You can get creative. Do a little research. But I’m just saying, when a woman waits five years for you to reappear, the least she deserves is a few flowers.” On that, they can agree.

He must bid Sam some sort of goodbye and make his way through the Avengers compound, but he’s unaware of anything until he’s in the parking lot, sitting behind the wheel of his car, googling “What to do for your wife on Valentine’s Day.” There’s a web page that boasts twenty different selections. Might as well give it a look.

___________________________________________________________________________________

She’s nearly home when her phone dings with a text from Barnes. “Just got in. Forgot to get milk. Can you swing by on your way, or should I go to the gas station and pick up a gallon?” A frown forms on her face. It’s pretty rare that Bucky forgets things. Must’ve been a hell of a day at work, then. Either that, or his brain has completely turned to mush thanks to typing out field reports. Either way-

“I got it. See you in twenty.” She thinks about tacking on a “love you”, but the light turns green before she can.

The grocery store is packed thanks to so many people getting off work. There’s only three carts left, all with bad wheels. She chooses the least squeaky option and, grabbing an add on her way, heads into the grocery store. Milk, and if she remembers right from this morning, they’re running dangerously low on coffee and tea. Despite caffeine having absolutely no effect on their enhanced bodies, both of them are nightmares to be around in the mornings without their beverages of choice. Force of habit and all.

She’s halfway to the checkout when she sees it. A sign, decorated in garish shades of red, pink, and purple. “All Valentine’s Day chocolates 10% off.” Shit. Yeah, that is coming up. To tell the truth, she’d completely forgot all about that day halfway through February. For most of her life, it only meant giving homemade cards at school when most kids had store-bought. Then, once she reached adulthood, it was a reminder that she was destined to be alone. Who would want someone who’s on the run, and what’s more, sees the future? Once she and Barnes got together, it didn’t change much. That first Valentine’s Day, he mentioned the holiday, and she shut it down immediately. They were both broke (or at least, he had no legitimate way of making money while she was broke), and celebrating a mostly commercial holiday seemed like a waste. Plus, she didn’t want to put a strain on a new relationship. Over the years, the subject never came up again, and she’s content for it to stay a non-starter, thank you very much. In her opinion, you should show your partner you love them every day of the year, not shoe-horn it into one twenty-four hour period. Call her unromantic if you must.

She’s completely immune to the various displays of cheap chocolate in heart-shaped boxes and overly sentimental cards as she approaches the register and starts to unload her items. Milk. Tea. That one specific brand of coffee that he likes because, “It tastes like what we drank in basic training. Terrible, but I kinda got used to it, so now everything else tastes like it’s trying too hard.” whatever that means. He’s right; she’s tasted it, and it’s fucking awful. Still, every morning, he drinks at least three cups while she drains her pot of tea.

“You got a hot date for Valentine’s Day, hun?” The cashier asks her, never breaking her rhythm as she rings up the items.

She chuckles. “As a matter of fact, yes.” The cashier’s eye go wide, and she holds up her left hand. “And every other day.”

“Ooh, nice. How long have you been together?”

“Nine years.” Wait… “Or four years, depending on which of us you ask. He blipped, I stayed.”

The cashier nods. “So are you older than him now?”

Physically? They’re not completely sure, but if you calculate the times he was off the ice with HYDRA and add that to the age he was before the serum, then they’re not far off. But chronologically- “No, he’s still older.” And yes, it will always be funny that Sam responds with “Okay, boomer” whenever Bucky makes an outdated reference (even if he’s off by a good twenty years).

With a little more light chatter, she pays for her items and leaves. Now, for home.

As soon as she opens the front door, she’s greeted by their dog, Sarge, barking excitedly and hopping around like he’s on a trampoline despite missing a leg. Bucky’s not far behind, placing a quick peck on her forehead before taking the bags from her and unloading them in the kitchen. Tonight’s his night to cook, but unless her nose has suddenly decided to give out, he hasn’t started dinner yet. She doesn’t mind taking over tonight, and when he sheepishly apologizes while she begins her preparations, she brushes it off. Although, for the second time in an hour, she’s seen proof of his unusual absentmindedness. Oh well. She’ll ask him about it later.

Despite being relieved from tonight’s chef duties, Bucky stays in the kitchen, sitting at the breakfast bar scrolling through his phone as she cooks. His expression is neutral, which can mean one of two things; a) he’s just killing time and there aren’t any interesting posts or articles vying for his attention, or at the opposite end of the spectrum, b) he’s deep in thought, possibly angry, sad, or even frightened, but he’s gone into Winter Soldier mode and shut down so that she won’t pick up on his mood. Damn the man and his poker face.

Eventually dinner is served and she sends him off toward the fridge in search of two beers while she serves their plates. Just as she’s spooning a generous helping of salad into her bowl, it happens. A vision, but a limited one. All she’s seeing is a phone. Well, that and the hand holding it. She’s not sure whether to be proud or embarrassed that she immediately recognizes the hand as Bucky’s, but that goes by the wayside as she takes in the article he’s reading. “Should you do something for Valentine’s Day even is she says no?” It’s a thread on some anonymous discussion board. The reply that has his attention is in reference to a now divorced individual who “was dumb enough to believe that, on our first V-Day as a married couple, she didn’t want anything.” Oh boy. Not good. This will be their first Valentine’s Day since exchanging vows, and if the fact that he’s read this reply (if not already read, will read soon) means that it’s at least crossed his radar that she might be feeding him bullshit. That’s not the case, but after his research, she knows from experience that no matter how much she tries to convince him otherwise, a small part of his mind will be stuck on, “But what if this is a big deal?” Which means-

“Doll, are you just gonna stand there with the salad tongs in your hand?” That snaps her out of it.

“No. Just a vision.” He frowns as she passes him his plate.

“Anything important happen?” Should she say?

“No.” She’s not sure if the smile or not, so she takes a bite from her roll to cover it. “Random sneak peek.” It’s not a lie. What she saw really isn’t important. Still, if he’s in that mindset, she should probably go on and do something for him just in case. After all, why should it only be the ladies who reap this holiday’s benefits?

___________________________________________________________________________________

Not flowers. That’s the one thing that, after copious amounts of research Bucky is one hundred percent certain about. They may still be a common romantic gift, but since they were also a go-to back when he was courting girls in the 1940s, it’s safe to say they’ve been overdone. Plus, he doesn’t really want to remind her of that time she had such a severe allergic reaction to the flowers he picked her on a walk through the park in Bucharest that her eyes nearly swelled shut and she sneezed herself sick. That doesn’t exactly seem like prime romance.

Chocolates or other candies have the same issues as flowers. Contrived and predictable. A bottle of wine is nice, but neither of them can so much as get mildly tipsy thanks to the super serum. The fourteenth is his day to cook, so he guesses he could do some reading and try to create something a little more special than spaghetti (he thought about going to a nice restaurant for dinner, but there’s a few issues with that, not the least of which is they’re likely to be recognized without their disguises, and he’d rather not look at his wife through sunglasses on Valentine’s day), but that seems a little underwhelming.

As he loads the dishwasher (she fell asleep half-way through the third episode of whichever nonsensical comedy they’re watching this week, so he sneaked back downstairs to clean up the dinner dishes), he thinks back to the dozen separate articles he read on the subject of Valentine’s Day gifts. Jewelry was a common theme, but that’s out. She’ll say thank you to his face, but worry about the cost behind his back. Plus, he has absolutely no idea what she’d like, and there’s no sense in purchasing something only for her to hate it.

Another common one was lingerie. Bucky almost choked on his tongue when he saw some of the examples given with that option. None of it looked comfortable (in fact, he’s still scratching his head about how you even put on one of the pieces that popped up on the web page) and he doesn’t want to give her the impression that she has to dress up for him. Even putting all that aside, he has no idea what size she’d even wear. He likes to think that he knows his wife pretty well, but somehow, in all their years together, it never occurred to him to ask her for her clothing sizes. That, and have you even seen the bra sizing system? Does it make sense to anyone, because to Bucky, it’s all gibberish. 32 B? 36 DD? What the hell? Somehow, when HYDRA was training him to extract information, they failed to go over the translation of a woman’s bra size. He supposes he could ask, but he’s not sure there’s a non-suspicious way to work, “Hey, sweetheart. What size are your breasts?” into casual conversation.

Sam said to get creative, so he tried to think outside the box. What’s something she really needs? A new vacuum cleaner is the first thing to come to mind, but he’s not stupid enough to think that would make a good gift. He knows she’s had her eye on a set of throwing stars, but that doesn’t seem to correlate well with what this holiday is all about. That’ll keep until her birthday.

He’s still wracking his brain for anything at all that might work when he feels a wet nose poking at his hand. Sarge. “Hey, boy. Has your mom gone to bed?” The response is a quiet “woof” and lick to his palm. He scratches the mutt behind the ears, smiling to himself as Sarge’s back leg thumps at the treatment.

“What do you think we should get our girl? Huh?” There’s no reply (of course not, he’s talking to a dog), but he nods, pretending all the same that Sarge has offered up a suggestion. “A bone. Yeah, somehow I don’t think that’s her thing. Try again.” The dog blinks at him lazily. “No, you’re the one who wants new tennis balls. Not Mom. Although you’re right about her liking peanut butter.” At this rate, he might as well get her a bone and some tennis balls, because he’s sure not coming up with any ideas.

She likes music. The thought pops into his head while he’s brushing his teeth. All sorts of music. Over the years, he’s tried to make sense of the songs he’s heard her listen to, but has yet to find a discernible pattern in her listening habits. She doesn’t seem to stick to just one genre or era. More like she picks songs by how they relate to what she’s feeling at the moment. Wait a second-

“A mixtape.” His reflection mouths the words back at him. Despite technology having moved on from the days of burning CDs, she still has a thick stack of the disks stored in a cabinet and plays them on the regular. He’s even seen a few that she made herself, pasting together the songs she likes to make a “Cleaning mix”, “Workout Mix” and “Pissed off Mix”. Bucky’s sure he could figure out how to burn a CD, but it’s not like she’d be able to listen to that everywhere she went. That leaves a playlist. She uses one of those apps to listen to music on her phone, right? Surely he can put something together for her using that.

Quietly, he climbs into bed next to his sleeping wife and pulls her back against his chest, slinging one arm over her waist as usual. He closes his eyes, but his mind is alight with activity. A playlist. Of course. He’ll put some extra effort into whatever he cooks that night, stop by a bakery and pick up some sweet treats for dessert. Hell, maybe they’ll both dress up and act like they’re on a date. Then, once they’re sitting down to their meal, he’ll pull out his phone and hit play. It’s perfect. At least, he hopes it is.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Putting on a lacy bra and panties set underneath her regular work attire seemed like a brilliant idea this morning. Today’s a short day; she’s only got three classes to teach, and Rhodey called last night to tell Bucky that he’s suspending work hours at three pm “Since most people have holiday preparations to make.” Her plan was to be waiting on the sofa in the living room when he arrives home, professional button-down blouse open just enough for him to get a good look at what’s underneath, pencil skirt pushed up enough to reveal the stockings and garters she’s donned for the occasion. It’s fun, with just enough cheesiness to match this whole holiday. And, well, it’s a guarantee that by the end of the night they’ll be in bed together, both rumpled, sweaty, and satisfied. Perfect, right?

Wrong. On her drive to work, her skimpy underwear began to ride up, giving her a wedgie, and there was no way to adjust without running the risk of wrecking. She was so distracted by her discomfort that she missed her exit, and by the time she arrived at the college, she was running so behind that she didn’t get the chance to run to the bathroom and readjust. Her lecture on sentence diagrams was pure torture before the underwire from her bra decided to join in the fun and poke her directly in the ribs, but with that addition, she was especially impatient with her students’ tendency to joke around a little too much in class.

Luckily, she had just enough time to wrap the exposed metal bit in tissues before her next class, which eliminated the pain in her chest, but did nothing to alleviate the discomfort once her stockings began to slide down, having at some point disconnected themselves from the garters. She taught like that for the next two classes, but as soon as they were over, she pealed the whole ensemble off in the teacher’s restroom and changed into her gym clothes. Alright, screw the whole seduction routine. She needs to blow off some steam and fast, or else she’ll be in a bad mood all night.

That’s why, thirty minutes later, she finds herself in the training room of the Avengers compound, working over a punching bag. “Fuck-” Her fist connects, making the bag swing crazily from it’s hook. “-this- whole- day!” It goes sailing, and she feels a little better.

“Ouch!” The voice comes from behind her and she whirls around, gaze resting on-

“Sam.” The man in question holds up his hands in an “I surrender” gesture.

“Don’t shoot! I come in peace.” Rolling her eyes, she holds up her middle finger, receiving a snicker in acknowledgment.

“Just working off a little frustration before I head home.”

“Good.” Sam chuckles. “’cause otherwise, I’d be worried that when Barnes pulls out his dick tonight, you’ll bite it off.” She thinks about telling him that there’s no chance of that, but she might just cut off his if he crosses her. However, that jogs her memory.

“Has he left yet?” Sam nods.

“About an hour ago. Said he had to pick up groceries.” Shit. There goes her plan to shower, throw the damn lingerie back on and proceed as planned.

Bidding Sam a hasty reply, she makes tracks towards her car and, once inside, heads for home. Fine. New plan. She’ll shower once she arrives and then when the evening is drawing to a close, wait for him in bed. Nodding to herself, she puts the car in park and climbs out. Now, to psych herself up enough in the next few hours to put the damn lingerie back on.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Where did he go wrong? It takes all of Bucky’s self control not to spit out the spoonful of sauce he just tasted. This was supposed to be an easy recipe for Chicken Alfredo (or at least, that’s what the website boasted; he should’ve known better than to get his information from the internet and stuck to a good old-fashioned cookbook from the library). Not… whatever the hell this is. Maybe even if the sauce is nauseating, the chicken is okay?

He pulls open the oven door, and immediately smoke billows out, making his eyes water. Okay, chicken’s a little well-done. Who is he kidding? Black. The chicken is burned black. And the pasta… he lifts the pot lid and stirs, only to come to the realization that the pasta is completely stuck to the bottom of the pot. Wonderful.

It’s inevitable; over the years, he’s had his fair share of cooking disasters, but usually he does okay. Tonight though… who the hell up there did he piss off, because the only explanation for how badly this is going is his karma coming due.

Still holding the offending spoon, he looks over at Sarge, who’s staring at him, long pink tongue sticking out as he pants. “Trust me, boy. You don’t want any of this.” There has to be something else he can pull together on short notice. Normally he’d be worried that she’s running late without so much as a text, but today he’s relieved. At least if she’s running behind he’ll have time to… what? Maybe order takeout? Before she gets-

“I’m home.” Shit.

Sarge yips, shaking with excitement, and starts towards the kitchen door, then turns back, uncertain. “Go on. I know you’re dying to jump on her and lick her face.” Something they really should be training out of him because he’s getting too big for that sort of behaviour but, well… there’s a reason they call them “puppy dog eyes.”

Not needing to be coaxed, the dog takes off, tripping a little in the momentary lapse in his memory that he’s a tripod, but easily catches himself and goes on his merry way, leaving Bucky to clean up his mess. From the sound of things, a game of fetch is going on in the living room, so she should be distracted for a while.

He manages to pour the sauce down the drain and scrape most of the pasta into the trash while Sarge is acting as a decoy, but there’s absolutely no way he can dispose of the chicken without tipping her off (damn enhanced senses, it’s a wonder she hasn’t already smelled it). Finally, he decides to just go for it. She’s going to notice whether he throws it out now or two hours from now. Might as well get a head start on cleaning.

Sure enough, not ten seconds after he empties out the oven, he catches a movement in his peripheral vision, and the familiar sound of her breathing tips him off that he’s no longer alone.

“Hey, Doll.”

“Hey, Bucky. Did something burn in here, or-” He holds up the pan for her inspection before continuing his scraping.

“That’s one way to put it, yeah.” He slams the lid back on the trashcan and turns on the tap, intent on rinsing out the pan. “Another is whoever the god of culinary arts is has it in for me today.”

She chuckles. “You know, that would be funnier if we didn’t actually know a god.”

“Yeah, but he’s in control of thunder.” He meets her eyes, smirking slightly. “Although it did look like I electrocuted the bird.” Her lips quirk up into a smile, and he takes the opportunity to kiss her, cupping the back of her head gently to hold her in place when she tries to move away, muttering something about being sweaty.

He’s not entirely sure how it happened, but by the time they come up for air, her back his pressed against the wall and he’s got her pinned in place. Not that he’s complaining.

“Anyone ever tell you that the tip of your nose turns pink after you’ve been kissed?’ Her cheeks go rosey in response.

“I think so. One guy did. I told him it’s only when I’m kissed properly.”

He really would like to continue the playful banter, but there’s still the small matter of whatever it is they’re going to eat.

“What do you feel like for dinner tonight?”

“Apart from electrocuted chicken?” He responds with a swat to her ass, which earns him a snicker. “Let’s keep it simple. Pizza. Your choice of toppings.” Right, that’s easy enough. Plus, if they have to wait longer than thirty minutes, it’s free.

“Okay. I’ll order while you shower?”

“Sounds like a plan.”

He’s just pulled up the menu on his phone when the sound of her clearing her throat attracts his attention. She’s standing in the doorway, combing through her freshly let down hair with her fingers, a playful look in her eyes.

“Or you could join me. Just a mild suggestion.”

Dinner can wait for a while.

___________________________________________________________________________________

The Brooklyn townhouse they live in has many nice features. There’s a functional if small screened in back porch, big enough to hold a table for two and a grill. Two bedrooms, on the off chance someone from work needs to crash for a night or two. A kitchen with a dishwasher. A working fireplace. Good closet space. And an en suite bathroom.

Maybe it’s a little ridiculous to call a bathroom luxurious, especially when, in comparison to what’s featured in many brownstones, it’s more than modest, but she can’t help but think of it as such. There’s a double sink so that in the morning rush to get ready, Bucky’s able to shave and brush his teeth without having to wait for her to finish applying her makeup. Shelving above the toilet makes certain that even if the last person to shower took the towel with them, another one is on hand. Speaking of the shower, it’s not the largest one in the world, but both of them can fit in comfortably at the same time, which is what’s lead to their current situation.

She’s just finished allowing the water to course over her body, easing the sweat from her skin, and is about to begin the process of washing her hair, scrubbing her body, but she hesitates. She might as well ask. It’s only practical after all.

“Do you want to start now or get cleaned up and have dinner beforehand?” It’s obvious what she’s referring to, so she doesn’t bother to spell it out.

His brown knits, and if she didn’t know him as… intimately… as she does, she’d actually believe he’s confused.

“Oh, so you’re just assuming there’s gonna be sex involved at some point tonight?”

She shrugs, wringing out her hair.

“Seemed like a safe enough bet.” She glances pointedly between the two of them. “After all, we’re already undressed. “

His laugh is a quiet huff, barely discernible over the sound of the water. “Then I’d say start now, have dinner, then go for round two. Sound about right to you?”

She nods. “Solid plan.”

“Then get over here.”

Unlike the welcome home kiss they shared not half an hour ago, this one is less tender, more electric. Hands twist in hair, bodies press together. Tongues begging for entrance quickly give way to teeth nipping at bottom lips, an unspoken sparring match for who’ll be in control this time around. Ultimately he wins, grasping her hips and lifting as she wraps her legs securely around his back.

There’s no need for prep; the teasing of their earlier words is foreplay enough. Back pressed against the wall, her body easily welcomes him in as she braces one arm against the glass shower doors for balance. Any concerns about slipping and falling wash away as they move together like so many times before. She’s sure her nails will leave marks on his back, fingertips digging in for purchase and it’s a guarantee her hips will be littered with fingerprints from his grip, but she can’t find it in her to care, and if the desperate, bruising kiss assaulting her lips is anything to judge from, neither can he.

“So damn good, Doll.” It’s panted against her neck. “Always. So damn perfect for me.” All she can manage is a moan in response.

She feels him twitch inside of her and knows he’s close. So is she, but she can’t quite get there without-

As if he’s read her mind, he reaches between them to touch her where she needs it most, and on instinct, she readjusts, locking her arm around his neck to stay in place. “Let go, sweetheart. Can you do that for me?” She couldn’t disobey if she wanted to.

“Fuck.” As her walls contract around him, he pulls out just in time to paint her middle with his release.

“That’s one word for it.” She’s still fighting to catch her breath, but she shoots him a shaky smirk, which he returns.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Mrs. Barnes.” Snickering, she releases him to stand on unsteady legs and pecks his legs.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Mr. Barnes.” Maybe there’s something to this holiday after all.

___________________________________________________________________________________

“You want the last slice?” Bucky considers it for a moment before deciding-

“Nah. You can have it.” It may not be exactly what he planned, but it’s been a good night. Between the two of them, they’ve gone through two large pizzas while watching the new version of Beauty and the Beast (she rolled her eyes when he asked if this was her way of saying he reminds her of a certain hairy, horned character) in their pajamas.

“No, really. You take it. I don’t want it.” She nudges the mostly-empty pizza box towards him. The noise makes Sarge lift his head from where he was snoozing beside her on the sofa. That gives him an idea.

“I don’t want it either, but I can think of someone who does.” He cocks his head towards the now-drooling dog. “How ‘bout it, boy? Wanna help us out?”

Snickering, she picks the pepperonis and pieces of sausage and ham from the pizza, forming a pile. “Here, Sarge. Catch.” She tosses a coveted treat in the air, and Sarge’s jaw snaps, swallowing it whole. “Good boy.”

They sit in comfortable silence for a few minutes before she speaks again.

“You know, I actually did have something planned for you.”

“Oh, yeah?” She nods.

“Absolutely. Had a whole seduction plan laid out. Tiny underwear, lacy bra, and stockings with garters included.” Huh. Guess she wouldn’t have taken the “lingerie” option the wrong way. He’ll file that away for future use… along with a mental note to ask her bra size. “That is, until I tried wearing the damn things for longer than an hour. Turns out, hiding a dirty secret under your clothes is more itchy than sexy.”

He can’t help it. He laughs, producing a pout from her which quickly turns into her own quiet laughter.

“Well, that fits in perfectly with my fancy dinner going up in smoke.”

“We really do have shitty luck with the whole “romance” thing.” She’s joking, but he decides to respond anyway.

“I don’t know about that.” Entwining his fingers with hers, he lifts their hands, twin wedding bands catching the light. “You waited five years for me to reappear after the blip, and I convinced you to elope with me. Seems pretty romantic.” Although, that reminds him…

“Don’t move.” Releasing her hand, he stands and goes in search of his phone.

“Bucky, what-”

“Don’t move, Doll. Stay right where you are.” Ah. On the kitchen counter, just where he left it. Jogging back into the room, he resumes his place on the couch next to her. Ignoring her questioning gaze, he pulls up the app and, selecting the correct playlist, hits play.

Immediate recognition blooms on her face at the opening lyrics. “She is the sweetest thing that I know. Should see the way she holds me when the lights go low.” He’s not one for modern music, but when he was googling “songs for Valentine’s Day” and this one popped up, he couldn’t help but think that the lyrics were fitting.

“I didn’t know you’d heard this one.”

He chuckles. “Even old men have a few tricks up their sleeves. That, and a wifi connection.” She rolls her eyes but leans closer, which he takes advantage of to show her the playlist.

“This is the app you use, right?” Receiving a nod, he continues. “Feel free to scroll through and add whatever you want. I haven’t listened to all of them the whole way through, but they seemed to fit the mood.”

Her hand closes over his, covering the phone. “Thank you, Bucky. It’s perfect.”

As the singer goes on about how hearts don’t break around here, he presses his lips against hers.

“I love you, Doll.”

“Love you.”

Not bad for a disastrous Valentine’s Day. Not bad at all.

#marvel #the avengers #bucky fanfic #bucky x original female character #bucky x you #bucky x reader #bucky x y/n #bucky barnes #captain america #the winter soldier #bucky barnes smut #smut #fluff

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beholdme · 4 years ago

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All the Many Shades of Gerry - Chapter 3

Chapters: 3/19

Fandom: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Gerard Keay/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Martin Blackwood/Gerard Keay, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Gerard Keay/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist

Characters: Martin Blackwood, Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Gerard Keay, Tim Stoker (The Magnus Archives), Sasha James, Gertrude Robinson, Elias Bouchard

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe, Library AU, Librarian Jon, Artist Gerry, Trans Male Character, Trans Martin Blackwood, Canon Asexual Character, Asexual Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Ace Subtype - Sex Positive, Polyamory, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Romantic Fluff, Falling In Love, Boys in Skirts, Kissing, Demisexual Gerard Keay, Minor Character Death, Past Character Death, Canon-Typical Child Neglect, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Flirting, Minor Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist/Tim Stoker, Adventures in Hair Dying, Happy Ending, Banter, Gerry has a lot of sass, Gerard Keay is Morticia Adams, Jon is a very grumpy Librarian, Martin adores them anyway.

Summary: In which Gerry is a kaleidoscope and Jon and Martin can't help falling in love with him.

He happens to love them back.

Find it on Ao3

[1] [2]

In the following weeks, as he sees Jon a few more times, Gerry's hair fades out and he looks rather more 'forest nymph' than 'American Gothic'.

So it's not much of a shock when the next time Jon catches sight of Gerry striding through the library stacks, his hair has been re-coloured. This time it's a smooth buttery yellow and Jon is struck by how young the warm, bright colour makes him look.

Gerry doesn't feel young though, he feels tired and bored and wrung out, and he wishes he had never agreed to take art commissions.

"It's only the one time!" Gertrude had insisted to a very put upon Gerry, very early in the morning. "And if he puts in a good word for you in his circles, your name will really be on the map in the art world."

Gerry wasn't particularly interested in being put on any maps, or being picked apart by rich, stuck up strangers, but he had agreed to try, mostly because Gertrude had put a lot of effort into making his passion for art an actual career and he felt like he owed her.

(He forgets, frequently, just how much of a commission she takes on the sales of his paintings).

So there he was, striding around the library at 7 am and desperately looking for exactly the right reference book. Unfortunately, it has been out of print for years, and Gerry can't seem to find a copy anywhere that won't cost him half a liver. He has the money now, but he refuses to pay half a month's rent to a second-hand retailer on principle.

Jon watches him skulk around for so long, (apparently forgetting that he is, in fact, a librarian) that Sasha comes out from her desk to ask Gerry if he's looking for something specific. She's wearing her big round glasses today and even indulged herself in her favorite waistcoat to beat the Monday blues.

"Why, yes." At this, Gerry looks directly up at Jon, where he is standing and watching him from the upper balcony level. Jon's face burns, and he ducks out of sight, but not earshot. "I do actually come here to borrow books, not boys." And he smartly feeds her the name of the reference book he has been hunting for almost an hour.

Sasha giggles at his antics, "We do have a copy of that, actually, but it's very popular. There's a waitlist; also it's checked out right now."

Gerry's whole demeanor sags and he sighs in defeat. "Guess I really will just have to order it off the internet, then." He eyes the stacks of books, old and new, looking vaguely betrayed.

"No!" Sasha's exclamation takes everyone a bit aback, being that they are in a library and all. "You know, my mate has this sweet little bookstore, and he loves hunting down rare copies of older books, he might have a copy?" She wrings her hands, eyebrows raised in question.

Gerry beams down at her, causing even stoic Sasha to blush and scurry off to get a piece of paper for the address.

They're already most of the way to the front desk by the time Jon realizes just which bookstore Sasha is busy recommending to the man he is dating , and just who owns that particular establishment.

By the time he manages to get downstairs to try to deflect the situation, Gerry is out the door, nothing left but the faint scent of oil paints and leather from his jacket.

***

Tim Stoker leaves Gerry feeling faintly dazed. By the time he stumbles out of the bookstore and into the tea room, elusive book in hand, he's forgotten everything he has ever known in the face of such intense flirting. And Gerry thought he was bad.

Throughout the whole episode at the library, the walk through Chelsea, and the exchange with Tim, Gerry had never once taken a moment to consider that Sasha's friend with a bookstore and Jon's Martin with a bookstore might be the same person.

He chooses to blame the lack of sleep and general disarray that is his life for the oversight.

Which is how, 9:30 in the morning, having been awake for almost 24 hours and completely finished, Gerry walks up to Martin in his tea room and says, "I'll have whatever is pink and in that jug, please. The biggest you've got."

Martin, of course, recognized him immediately. He would have recognized Jon's gothic childhood boyfriend from his social media stalking alone, but Jon's frantic texting was also a pretty big giveaway.

Martin: Relax, I don't bite clients this early in the morning. He's in safe hands with me.

Jon: HE KNOWS THINGS ABOUT ME. Besides, who's gonna stop him from biting you?

Martin: Whatever he has to tell me can’t possibly be worse than the office gossip I heard about you before we even meet.

Jon: W H A T

Now, here Gerry is before him, and he’s quite pleased with what he sees. Even tired and vaguely dazed, his presence in the little room carries a certain energy that Martin enjoys.

"Right away. Take a seat and I'll call you with it." Martin's voice is sweet, but gentle and firm, in a comforting sort of way. Through Gerry's sleepy haze, the instruction makes perfect sense, although he has neither paid nor offered a call name.

Gerry considers taking a seat on the plush bench that occupies one wall, before deciding that he desperately needs a cigarette, and wandering outside.

Technically he is only supposed to smoke at night when he's painting and needs just the right kind of boost, but he decides to call this one since he's on a painting-based errand when he's supposed to be sleeping.

"Gerry?" He turns toward the sound of his name, to find the barista offering him a large to-go cup of what he assumes is fruit ice tea. He frowns at having his name known (his new, much-preferred name, no less) and then frowns at a blonde, bespectacled man in a tea room attached to a bookstore.

His brain finally takes a moment to function, and he puts all the pieces together in an avalanche.

"Martin?" Far from his usual self-confident tone, the single word comes out in a squeak that would make even a toddler wince.

"Yes?" Martin returns the single word in the same solidly reassuring way, and even offers a happy smile.

"I didn't... I didn't recognize you."

"Would be pretty hard for you, considering this is the first we've ever met." Martin's voice is calming in a way that eases Gerry a bit, teasing and all.

"Thank you. For the tea, I mean." Gerry closes his eyes and desperately begs his shit to pull together for him, just this one time. "It's nice to finally meet you."

His hands are fully occupied with a book, a cup of tea, and a cigarette, but Martin doesn't seem particularly bothered by the lack of a hand to shake. "It's nice to meet you too. We're giving Jon a heart attack by doing it without him."

"That is the lawful good," Gerry says, after a long drag of his smoke. "A panicked Jon is a happy Jon, after all. Whatever would he do with himself without a situation to unnecessarily complicate?"

"Yes, the man does seem to thrive on anxiety, doesn't he?" Martin asks warmly, eyes crinkling around a fond smile. "Speaking of, you seem pretty wrecked yourself. Good party, I hope."

Gerry's answering laugh has a razor edge, "Not hardly. This fucking painting I'm working on will be the death of me." Gerry lifts the reference book as proof of trauma and stabs out his cigarette viciously.

"Hmm, sounds like a pain. I hope you typically find art a more enjoyable career?" Martin asks, tilting his head inquisitively. His curly hair moves fetchingly and Gerry catches himself tracking the movement.

"Mostly, yes. Although I keep the bartending gig for variety. You'd be amazed at the sort of inspiration someone can find in the right drunk crowd." Gerry grins, thinking of all the ridiculous things he’d seen walk in and out of the bar in his run there.

"I'd be very interested to see what kind of art you can turn that into. Maybe you'd like to show me sometime?" Martin's words are open and friendly.

Gerry eyes him for a minute, hiding behind a long taste of his drink. He's trying to suss out Martin's motivations, for his kindness and general geniality. The drink is good and it tips Gerry's mood far enough back into cheerfulness that he shrugs off his considerations for the time being.

"You know what," Gerry quips back. "I think I would like to show you sometime. How 'bout tonight."

It's not a question really, with Gerry's typical force of personality behind it, and he leaves the shop with Martin holding an address in his hand and a time to drag Jon over for dinner that evening.

***

Gerry does not make a big deal of Martin coming over. He acts as if any other friend is coming over for dinner.

He tidies, a little. Lights a few candles. Wears pants. The bare minimum really.

He isn't trying to impress anyone, he tells himself sternly.

Except he is, obviously. He doesn't know Martin very well yet, but he does want to keep Jon around, and they are a packaged deal these days. Which he was happy with, truly.

In their limited interaction, Martin had been sweet and put Gerry instantly at ease. He knows, from many years of working a bar, how to spot a dipshit, and feels confident in his assessment of Martin's character.

But, it's his own character that concerns him. People don't always like Gerry past surface interactions. He can be tempestuous and moody, and catching him tired is a pretty bad idea. The combination of artist and mommy issues can be jarring.

He desperately wants those things to not bother Martin though. He wants Martin to like him, and he's not interested in putting on a show to make it happen.

It occurs to Gerry an hour before they're due that he doesn't even remotely know what takeout to order for dinner.

(He knows what Jon will eat, and he obviously knows what he likes, but what about Martin? Why didn't he ask this morning? Why didn't he ask Jon earlier?)

Gerry is just starting to really panic about all the life choices leading up to this moment, when he gets a text from an unknown number, instantly filling him with relief.

Martin: Since you're hosting this time, I'll grab the take-out. Jon says you like Thai, I'll bring that. You got the drinks covered?

Gerry: As long as you drink either coffee, vodka, or water, yes.

Martin: I'm sorry, I subsist only on the blood of virgins.

Gerry: Oh dear. I couldn't tempt you to settle for Earl Grey?

Martin: Hmmm, yes, I'll accept your offerings this time.

***

The first knock comes right on time. Gerry, dressed in his best paint-stained jeans and cherry blossom kimono, opens the door with a flourish.

Martin allows himself to be welcomed in and hands the food off to the dramatic artist, who deposits it on the table where he has already set the tea tray.

"No Jon? Not that I mind quality ‘us’ time, of course."

Martin is busy taking in the rambling studio space and barely spares the attention to respond, although he manages a blush at the flirty tone. "He's, uh, running late. Work stuff. You know Jon."

Gerry smirks at that. "I do indeed. Is it a 'stumble in at 3am' late, or 'we could probably wait to eat' late?"

"Hmmm? Oh, let's wait a bit? If you don't mind." Martin seems equally taken with his painting wall and his book wall and keeps trading his attention between the two. The paintings, being the larger attraction, eventually win, and he meanders over to study them closer.

"Do you keep all the completed paintings around?" His voice is soft and reverent, and Gerry feels a rush of pride for his work.

"For a while. I like to make sure they're in their final forms before I release them into the wild." Martin blinks big brown eyes at him, before grinning and giggling slightly.

"You're very talented. Jon said as much, showed me the pictures, but words and photos are nothing compared to seeing the real thing." Martin really regards his paintings as if they're special, and rather than the prickly feeling of appraisal he feels during gallery nights, it fills Gerry with warmth.

He turns to examine the wall himself. It's filled with an eclectic group at the moment. Large abstracts made by pouring paint and then layering designs over, three-dimensional pieces painted and then embroidered or quilled over in select places, including a particularly wild eye design. Surreal faces and scenes that seem realistic except for the wild subject matter of planets in meadows and chimeras going to battle.

"Is this what comes from your adventures in bartending?" Martin asks Gerry, turning from the wall and towards the slightly taller man.

"That, and my traumatic childhood." Gerry makes sure to laugh at the last, taking the edge off the small confession.

"Obviously." Martin offers.

"Obviously." Gerry accepts.

***

Gerry and Martin drink tea on the floor while they wait for Jon. Gerry gently prods Martin through the story of how he came to open the bookstore. The blonde man even softly confessing that he had to lie on his CV to get the librarian gig at Magnus.

"How old are you? How did you convince them you had a Master's degree?" Gerry is incredulous. Not that he doesn't think Martin could have an advanced degree. But in paranormal research? Gerry hadn't even known that was an option.

"That's the thing! I'm only 29 now . I worked there for five years!" Martin's voice pitches up in disbelief. "I'm still in shock that anyone ever brought it. Desperate times, desperate measures, you know?"

"I do, actually." Gerry shifts slightly, adjusting his balance with the long remembered urge to flee from those desperate times. He fiddles with his teacup to distract himself. He brought this particular set from a pawn shop because the filigree and florals appealed to his love of colour theory. Soft pinks and corals warm against the cool aqua background.

"Jon says you wanted to go to art school when you two were younger."

It's not a question, but merely Martin offering the same space for openness that Gerry had given him.

"I never went. After my A-levels, I had to get away, and I never really stopped moving for long enough to go to uni when I was younger. Now I'm settled and it's not important to me anymore. Besides, no one asks for a copy of my phantom degree when I sell a painting. So I'm happy with how things turned out for the most part." He stops to consider the outline of a possible past for a moment, one where he didn't have to skip college and go ten years without seeing Jon. "Besides, can you imagine a 27-year-old in art school? The young ones would sacrifice me for more creative talent."

Their eyes meet for a moment, and then they laugh easily and move on to different topics, sliding through the easy stages of getting to know each other.

***

Jon does eventually arrive, looking panicked and harried. He de-ages 10 years when he finds them laughing and relaxed instead of tense and awkward.

So, the three of them eat cold Thai take out on the floor of Gerry's loft, leaning against the perfectly good couch. They share the odd intimacy of people who have known each other for very disjointed amounts of time but like each other just the same.

#the magnus archives #jonathan sims #martin blackwood #gerry keay #jongerrymartin #tma #fic #also on ao3

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thewatsonbeekeepers · 4 years ago

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Chapter 10 – Oh No Love, You’re Not Alone [TLD 2/2]

[A line from Rock’n’Roll Suicide, which titles the previous chapter – listen here! X Possibly Bowie’s best song.]

This chapter aims to break down the infamous hug scene step by step – I couldn’t handle this scene for a long time, Mary and Irene seriously breaking with the otherwise reasonably coherent series, but I have a reading. This reading is complicated in that it relies – like this whole meta series – on every character in the scene being a part of Sherlock. This is obviously sad because it means that our boys don’t come together in one of the only moments of physical affection they’ve been allowed in the last ten years, but bear with it. There are three important symbols we need to know going into this scene: our three main characters. The grounding of this meta series is that, within the EMP, Sherlock is our eyes, the part of his brain that is consciously navigating the subconscious and trying to make sense of it. John represents his heart, normally in antithesis with Mycroft as the brain, but in TLD really taking centre stage himself. To get a handle on Mary, I refer you back to my TST metas [XX]; TLDR, at the end of TST Sherlock stages Mary’s assassination attempt on himself via Norbury, only to replace himself with Mary at the last second because he cannot cope with the implication that it is the loss of him that has made John suicidal. To be colloquial, then, Mary is comphet – which is essentially her function in every Sherlock Holmes adaptation anyway, but you know. Thinking about Mary in terms of comphet is useful particularly in terms of her obsession with Sherlock wearing the hat which dogs the end of this episode, and which for many spoiled this scene the first time around (i.e. me). Wearing the hat is a euphemism in tjlc for masking one’s sexuality, drawing on the Victorian phrase ‘a hat of someone else’s choosing’ X – Sherlock’s throwing off of the hat was so momentous in TAB that many of us were reluctant to see it brought up again. However, this all makes sense.

Before we take this scene from the top, I feel the need to say that someone has brought me tea in a glass, by pure coincidence. I feel this is a good omen.

The scene opens talking about Eurus!Faith, and one of the first possibilities touted is that Sherlock made up a dream woman who gave him all the info he needed. Not subtle – although Eurus has other purposes in the narrative which become very important, she does also kick the narrative along quite nicely here. However, as mentioned in the previous chapter, she’s not the only character who does – think of the random comments that allow Sherlock to piece together ‘everyone’, despite having nothing to do with the case. So what our boys are saying about Eurus!Faith, if we think about it in the context of the episode, instead of just her, points to the artificiality that is casting such a massive shadow right now. John’s ‘magic dream woman’ comment comes straight after Sherlock talking about being able to predict anything – undermining the entire basis of the episode as magic and dreamlike, so we know where we stand. Sherlock is only experiencing all of this semi-lucidly – kind of like TAB – so it’s up to his heart to try to get him to twig it I suppose.

Sherlock then suggests that Eurus!Faith was a hallucination brought on by drugs, in keeping with the theme of the episode, but also with our own themes. Drugs are used to cover up one’s true sexuality, and Eurus up until this point has only been used in her various disguises to veil Sherlock’s desires as heterosexual, so in that sense she is linked to the mirage that drugs can cause. Heart!John’s response is to keep Sherlock off the ‘sweeties’, which is a good sign for us – the more we fixate on the sober region of Sherlock’s brain, the more we’re in the place where he can’t hide from who he is, and his heart is pushing him there.

It seems that comphet!Mary is the one pushing Sherlock to talk to his heart here, which might raise questions, but as we’ll see one of the first things she tells heart!John to do is to ‘make him wear the hat’ – everything she says is fitting in with the paradigm of Sherlock Holmes that the heart cannot cope with and needs to leave behind. Mary also suggests that Sherlock should wear the hat to her as a tribute, because she’s dead. I like to read this as the weird sense that we should be respectful of old classics, as though queering them is somehow disrespectful – this gets thrown up a lot in relation to Sherlock Holmes. One time it really got thrown up though was in the making of TPLoSH – the reason it’s not more explicit is because the Conan Doyle estate didn’t want Wilder to damage ACD’s legacy. The necessity for comphet of the Victorian era is dead and gone, but we still consistently pay tribute to it in our culture.

Sherlock keeps mentioning Culverton’s confessions, which we’ve talked about in the last chapter – but in this world of mirrors, he’s unable to map them onto himself perfectly yet. It’s the same thing as Eurus heterosexualising his interactions – we’re working in a world of mirrors and proxies, because the reality of queerness is so off limits in his mind.

Then we get the text alert. Irene Adler has long been established within the mind palace as a symbol of Sherlock’s sexual desire. So, at the end of this, as Sherlock is about to neglect his heart and let it descend out of Baker Street, we get this sudden cry of sexuality – and the heart turns back. Comphet!Mary, through the hat linked to conventional storytelling metatextually propelling Sherlock’s comphet well into the 21st century, immediately jumps to the conclusion that Sherlock loves Irene Adler. There are several reasons why this is absolutely wrong. Firstly, we are dealing entirely in symbolic people here, so why Irene would suddenly be a real person instead of a metaphor is tonally dubious. Secondly, Irene is a long established metaphor for sexuality anyway. But thirdly, and most importantly – this scene, which revolves around the Irene Adler text alert, is the beating heart of the episode and arguably the entire series. For Irene Adler to be referenced once more in the series, in a minor line, suggests that she is not the actual focus. It’s about what’s going on within Sherlock.

[A side note: Mary’s exposition in this scene makes me cringe – I hope I’m not the only one? But if you will set up a complex network of metaphors and then leave several years between series, maybe you need that.]

John then deduces that it’s Sherlock’s birthday – again, reasonably unbelievable that he wouldn’t know this, given that Mummy and Daddy Holmes would definitely have made a big deal of it. It’s difficult to know for sure what the birthday symbolises, but John saying he has always wanted to know it might make us remember Sherlock actually seeking out John’s birth certificate to find the name Hamish on it. This meta [X] explains why this represents hiding a part of ourselves that is essential – i.e., from birth – which would fit the concept of the birthday. However, this may be tenuous.

Heart!John’s outburst at the discovery of Sherlock’s sexual desire – not necessarily how it is directed, but that it exists – is basically: well, what do you do about it? Why don’t I know about this? It is incredible that Sherlock has managed to compartmentalise this from his heart for so long, but that’s the pro of having an incredibly intricate mind palace I suppose. The Harvester in High Wycombe situation is sex without strings attached – I think the veiled suggestion here is masturbation, because Sherlock has refused the heart any involvement in it, but Sherlock denies the suggestion. The level at which heart!John is losing it is desperate, and the idea that ‘High Wycombe is better than you are currently equipped to understand’ suggests an affection starvation of epic proportions. I had problems with John’s claim that romantic entanglement would complete Sherlock as a human being (Sherlock being ace is a common reading, often touted by the writers themselves, and whilst I don’t subscribe to the theory such a statement plays into a pretty harmful narrative about ace people). The line is still dubious when said by heart!John because of the wider narrative it plays into, but spoken by Sherlock’s heart to himself does suggest that Sherlock’s denial of his sexuality has been crippling him.

The idea that comphet!Mary sent heart!John back to Sherlock is a difficult one – there are two warring versions of Sherlock’s heart here, and comphet!Mary’s idea of heterosexuality (posh boy and dominatrix, even whilst metatextually acknowledging that it’s a boring cliché) does require the unity of Sherlock and his heart, just in a way that isn’t possible. However, another possible reading about letting Sherlock die without comphet!Mary might take us back to TST – the hypothesis assassination when comphet!Mary took the bullet for Sherlock at the last second admittedly slowed down Sherlock’s analytical processes, but it’s quite possible that his heart wasn’t ready for it, that the heart wouldn’t have let him realise it and Sherlock would actually have died in the mind palace. His heart was too afraid to show up – which, true or not, is echoed in the idea that heart!John wasn’t there when Sherlock/Mary were shot by Norbury, but attending to heteronormative domesticity (sorry Rosie). It’s also devastating that the heart wants to be the Sherlock Holmes of the stories still – and we’re breaking through, but it’s TFP which will finally push through that, not this scene.

Heart!John’s admission of cheating here is vital. Eurus as mirror for John has long been discussed, and as we’ve seen in a previous chapter (X) she takes on a female form to give Sherlock’s desires an acceptable outlet – but here we have an acknowledgement from heart!John that he betrayed comphet!Mary in his texting of Eurus. The texting is made to parallel Sherlock’s own engagement with his sexuality in terms of Irene – he’s later revealed to have texted her too. Whether that just suggests merely thoughts or masturbation (or something else?) I don’t know, but the parallel suggests that such engagement with his sexuality is the same as heart!John’s covert engagement with gay trauma Eurus – in other word, both romantic and sexual illicit desires have been acknowledged, and have existed simultaneously though compartmentalised. We can see the paralleling of heart!John’s romantic desires with Sherlock’s sexual desires in moments like when heart!John admits that he still wants more – the camera focuses on Sherlock, who looks at heart!John like a moment of realisation (possibly because he’s recognising the form his heart has taken – that’s the headcanon).

But this is not a happy scene. Heart!John declares that he has never been capable of comphet, but that he wants it, and comphet!Mary tells him to get the hell on with it – taking special emphasis to call him John Watson. There’s no Hamish here, which in a conversation begun on birthdays might make us worry, but crucially calling him John Watson rather than John is a link back to the original stories, when we know that using just first names is a big indicator of the modernity (read queerness) of the adaptation, not least in the EMP (see TAB). Comphet!Mary’s heterosexual compulsion is thus still going strong based on the historical stories. And what’s sad here is that the impulses are acknowledged! Sherlock not only acknowledges his sexual desire but even that he acts on it (the texts), and heart!John acknowledges his romantic attraction, and where they had been compartmentalised the hug as a moment of unity tells us that Sherlock has joined those dots, acknowledges his existence as a romantic and sexual being. And then – he puts the hat on, he still needs a high of some description to cope with his birthday. I believe that Sherlock’s acknowledgement of Mary’s ghost at the end, previously visible only to John, is a new recognition of the compulsory heterosexuality that his heart has been grappling with – but he puts on that hat in order to capitulate to it. (Never fear, the hat is coming off later).

The hat wearing comes in a separate scene, in terms of framing, to the official hug scene, although logically they must happen within 20 minutes of each other in the same room. [I am resisting the urge to make a crack joke about what happened in the interim. I’m sure there’s something on AO3 about it.] It’s a horrible addendum, because heart!John has just confessed his biggest secret, and Sherlock acknowledges it – but then immediately downplays it. Just texting. In superficial terms, this downplaying is personally not what I would want from a friend – in metaphorical terms, it’s deadly. It’s a subtle undermining of the entire previous scene. We can see that the wall hasn’t been broken through, that he’s still chickened at the last second (much like at the end of TST) in other ways – he still has the appearance of drugged Sherlock, in particular the facial hair, which is used to reference bearding typically in the show. I also maintain – though others may take issue with this – that Cumberbatch’s gait changes when he plays a high Sherlock, and although ostensibly not high here that slightly clumsy gait remains the same. It is not a good vibe. And then, the final shot of this scene isn’t one of acceptance or closure. After Sherlock acknowledges Mary’s presence, the look on Martin Freeman’s face is one of quiet but terrible sadness, as well as anxiety.

A final thought before I leave this scene, having discussed what happens at the end of TLD in a different chapter – it’s worth noting that Sherlock has a mug of an unspecified hot drink throughout this scene, but it’s left ambiguous whether it’s coffee or tea. (Yes, it could be something else, but given the heavy focus on coffee and tea earlier in the episode, along with the pre-established drinks code, we can assume.) This ambiguity, I think, is deliberate – it allows Sherlock to acknowledge desire but still mask it through vagueness and ambiguity. It’s a way of lying to himself – and goodness knows we’re all capable of that, and can probably see how such a fudge might apply to a mental analysis of such a situation. I’d love to hear others’ thoughts on this scene though – do let me know! Until next time.

#sherlock meta #emp theory #tjlc #tjlc is real #meta #my meta #mine #thewatsonbeekeepers #bbc sherlock #chapter ten: oh no love #you're not alone #david bowie ref #what a guy #mofftiss #johnlock

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honeyedlashton · 5 years ago

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CALM Lyric Analysis Part 1: Red Desert

You guys apparently liked the idea so I’m not here to disappoint. I had way more to say about this than I thought I thought I did so, needless to say it’s long. I don’t know if the next ones will be this long, but yeah... I guess all I can recommend is for you to grab a cup of coffee, or tea, or water, or the blood of virgins, and let’s just break this opening track down. Here is “Red Desert”:

———————————————————————

Red, red desert, heal our blues,

I’d dive deeper for you

What a blessing to feel your love

Twilight moments with you

I’ve been asleep so long, I’m so far away,

The visions I see are strong, I hear what they say.

Won’t you leave all your fears at the edge of the world?

Tell you again like I told you before.

I’ve been asleep so long, wasting away.

Tell me would you pack up all your bags, stay true to north?

You’re the only one I’d do this for.

It doesn’t take too long, to heal and replace.

The demons we’re running from, they’re begging to stay.

Written by Ashton Irwin

———————————————————————

So this is the first lyric analysis of CALM. I figured I’d go in order, cause A) it’s less confusing, and B) 5sos put them in that order for a reason. So here we are. And here I am trying to figure out how to talk about this. The absolute first thing I realized is that this is an insanely difficult thing to begin writing about. But i guess this isn’t a thesis paper, so I shouldn’t really stress it. Alright let’s get into it, shall we?

When I first heard this song I thought: “ok so they took a love song and they made it West World,” (not really). But upon my first listen it didn’t seem lyrically rich to me because of the use of repetition. However, the more I looked into it, I recognized the deeper story. It is a story. It—like many of their songs—is symbolism for a relationship in a place in time where there are outward struggles.

Now this is obviously an established relationship, because talking about something such as putting your fears aside and going essentially to the end of the earth for someone means that you love and trust them completely. And in this, Ashton is saying that he has been “asleep” or distracted and distant from something he should have been focused on. He hasn’t been caring like he should, or like he used to. Maybe he had turned into a different person while he was in dormant mode, and basically living on auto pilot.

The “visions” he sees could basically be his call to action. His look into the past and future. The phantoms, the mirages, the oases he sees. Perhaps these visions are telling him that the commitments he’ll make in this relationship are the ones that will get him through the hot heat of his struggles. They could also be relating to the past. Having visions of the past and the future guiding him along as he travels.

“Won’t you leave all your fears at the edge of the world?” is a reference back to where the relationship started. Taking a chance and going forward together, leaving their reservations on the horizon behind them. But somehow in the midst he lost track and began “wasting away.” The the person he was before is no longer entirely who he is now. Part of him has decayed.

And then there’s the re-commitment of the pre-chorus. His visions come true. He’s asking his lover to be strong with him. They could search out their “true north”—finding a point to orient themselves in a spinning world—together so they can get back on the right path toward their destination: each other. They’re both looking for their norths together, because he believes that this relationship is the only one worth going forward with. The only one worth braving the great unknown for.

Not only that but worth going “deeper” to the heart of an issue. Because even if the day (or the issue itself) is hot and exhausting, it’s a blessing for the night to come and cool them down. Showing that when they’re away from the stresses of the day and can focus on their love, it’s worth it. (Also night being linked to love is a common duo on this album—and in every Ashton song ever—so remember that folks.)

In the second verse he opens it talking about restoring what he had lost when he was asleep. But the desert isn’t the one Ashton is saying heals him, it’s the fact that they mend each other. They “heal and replace” the parts of them that were “wasting away,” which is why they are parallels in the song.

The “Demons” he’s talking about have been referenced, many times throughout 5sos’s more recent songs. And they could be any number of things. They could be his own dark frame of mind, they could be actual people he “chooses” to hang out with, it could be a combination. Ashton has written many songs about himself as if he is a recovering demon/devil himself. And just like addiction, or a state of mind, or insistent people: they don’t want to be forgotten. They insert themselves and remind you they’re there. And no wonder he’s trying to run from it, imagine a constant onslaught of fears and insecurities following you no matter where you go.

As for the music, it is very percussion and rhythm heavy. Ashton really models the drums after “Meet You There,” and its very obvious. The music feels adventurous and melancholy. It has bluesy aspects to it, like the chorus specifically feels like a chant in a sorrowful blues song. I don’t know anything about music, except I do know a lot about tone, and the tone of this song is vast and scary and unsettling and adventurous. Not to mention the bridge has a tremendous buildup that makes me pay attention every single time I listen. It’s such a large sound you could almost drown in it.

It is a favorite of mine off the album, even from first listen. It’s so big and beautiful, I love it so much. The adventurous aesthetic is perfect, and it is the perfect way to starts album.

———————————————————————

So now that I’ve gone through the music and lyrics, its theory time. Now all of these are my opinions so take them with a grain of salt or don’t read them i could care less. I believe what I believe...

And I don’t believe this is some KayKay bullshit. Ashton is a fool if he thinks he can put this song that is about a very long lasting but suffering relationship on a playlist for a girl he’s been “on and off” with for a year. Fuck that. And fuck him for trying to sell that shit to us. in my eyes, this is so very clearly about Luke. It is about losing the end goal of a relationship, its about recommitting to being there for the one they love after a period of losing themselves. Ashton and Luke have been together since forever, and lots of the songs on this album indicate a tumultuous relationship with someone who has been there for a long time. and I don’t think neither Kay Kay nor Bryanna fit the bill. Also the first thing I could think of when I listened to the lyrics that said “Edge of the world,” my immediate thought went to that interview in 2018 Luke literally said that he’d “follow [Ashton] to the edge of the earth.”

Also I almost forgot to mention that most of Ashton’s recent songs--especially the ones cowritten with Luke--(Midnight, Better Man, If Walls Could Talk, ect...) have been about only being able to love someone at night. which doesn’t line up if he puts a song he wrote about a long drawn out struggle in a relationship that spans over two whole albums on a playlist for her... likely story. (There’s also a lot of songs on that playlist that are not for her and are for Luke, but that could be a whole other post.)

Anyway “Red Desert” is a Lashton song through and trough in my eyes. So Ashton can say what he wants, and can post this song on his “for Kay Kay” playlist, but he can never convince me that this shit isn’t about Luke.

#red desert #calm 5sos #calm #ashton irwin #afi #luke hemmings #lrh #michael clifford #mgc #calum hood #cth #red desert calm #lashton #lyric analysis #sorry if you like kaykay #literally just my opinions you dont have to read them

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aboveallarescuer · 5 years ago

Text

Dany considering, threatening to take and/or taking violent measures

As I was rereading ASOIAF, I made it my goal to compile all* the book passages demonstrating either certain key attributes of Daenerys Targaryen (e.g. that she's compassionate and smart) or aspects of hers that are usually overstated (e.g. that she's ambitious and prophecy-driven). Doing such a task may seem exaggerated, but I'd argue it's not, for many, many misconceptions about Dany have become widespread in light of the show's final season's events (and even before).

It must be acknowledged that it can be tricky to reference, say, ADWD passages to counter-argument how she was depicted in season eight (which allegedly follows ADOS events). Dany will have had plenty of character development in the span of two books. However, whatever happens to Dany in the next two books, I would argue that there is more than enough material to conclude that her show counterpart was made to fall for flaws that she (for the most part) never had and actions that she (for the most part) would never take. (and that's not even considering the double standards and the contradictions with what had been shown from show!Dany up until then, but that's obviously out of the scope of these lists)

Another objection to the purpose of these lists is that Game of Thrones is different from A Song of Ice and Fire and should be analyzed on its own, which is a fair point. However, the show is also an adaptation of these books, which begs the questions: why did they change Dany's character? Why did they overfocus on negative traits of hers or depicted them as negative when they weren't supposed to be or gave her negative traits that were never hers to begin with? Another fact that undermines the show=/=books argument is that most people think that the show's ending will be the books', albeit only in broad strokes and in different circumstances. As a result, people's perception of Dany is inevitably influenced by the show, which is a shame.

I hope these lists can be useful for whoever wants to find book passages to defend (or even simply explore different facets of) Dany's character in metas or conversations.

*Well, at least all the passages that I could find in her chapters, which is no guarantee that the effort was perfectly executed, but I did my best.

Also, people could interpret certain passages differently and then come up with a different collection of passages if they ever attempted to make one, so I'm not saying that this list is completely objective (nor that there could ever be one).

Also, some passages have been cut short according to whether they were, IMO, relevant to the specific topic of the list they're in, so the context surrounding them may not always be clear (always read the books and use asearchoficeandfire). Many of them appear in different lists, sometimes fully referenced, sometimes not.

I listed the passages back to front because I felt doing so highlighted Dany's evolution better.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To justify the existence of this list, let's see examples of widespread opinions that I feel misrepresent Daenerys Targaryen:

It's just time that we acknowledge that Daenerys' behavior over the past few seasons has been more of someone with an overinflated ego and an limitless sense of entitlement than that of a ruler with the well-being of their subjects and land in mind. If I can really spill the tea, she's acting a lot like the Mad King as well as Cersei, who's currently acting all type of the fool on the Iron Throne. Violence may be a necessary evil, but like...do we really have to burn everybody alive? Is that really what we want for Westeros? (x)

[S]he’d rather slaughter her enemies than use them to her advantage. Sure, sometimes you need a good slaughter, but you have to be willing to try diplomacy, too. (x)

The issue isn’t whether it’s better if the slave cities remained slave cities — it goes without saying, that’s reprehensible. But her most striking moments ruling Meereen are quite sadistic in nature. In season four, when the Meereenese crucify slave children as a threat to Dany, she responds by crucifying an equal number of noblemen once she takes over the city, despite Ser Barristan’s pleas for mercy; “I will answer injustice with justice,” she coolly responds. Revisiting that scene, it’s pretty disturbing. What starts out as a moment of joyous liberation — and the slaves chanting “Mhysa!” her way — ends with the anguished screams of the newly crucified Meereenese across the city.

Fast forward to season five, when Ser Barristan is unceremoniously murdered in an alley by the Sons of the Harpy, Dany rounds up Meereen’s elected leaders to interrogate them and find out who among them could be a secret Harpy. To establish she’s not fucking around, she picks one of them at random to be burned alive and subsequently eaten by two of her dragons. She’s not just content with her decision; despite not getting any answers, Dany’s entranced by the sight of her dragons and the burning fire.

Dany’s fascination with fire — not to mention her nonchalant attitude toward violence — bears an uncomfortable resemblance to her father, the “Mad King” Aerys Targaryen. (x)

Are Dany's acts of violence supposed to make you wonder if she's going to "burn everybody alive"? Are her acts of violence "quite sadistic in nature"? Does she feel "entranced by the sight of her dragons and the burning fire" and has a "fascination with fire"?

I would argue GRRM has written a character who only chooses violence either for humanitarian reasons or for political goals (which are often intertwined), and even in the latter case, she seeks to avoid collateral damage (ASOS Dany III, ASOS Dany IV). She's not immune to acting on vengeance, but so far it's always been motivated by the injustices perpetrated upon others (ASOS Dany VI, ADWD Dany II); you can argue that "harsh justice", as she puts it, is not justice, but you can't argue that she's doing it for them. The one exception to this is her burning of Mirri Maz Duur, but even then, it is not because she is "sadistic", she explicitly recognizes the futility of vengeance. She kills her because she needs her life for the ritual that culminates with the birth of the dragons. You could argue Mirri didn't deserve it, but Mirri also killed her child and left Drogo in a comatose state. And she lives in a society that largely normalizes violence. Dany's entire characterization must be taken into consideration.

With that in mind, there is no textual evidence to suggest she will decide to burn every noncombatant she can find because she was unhappy about their reception. None. She fights to be queen because she wants to protect the ones who can't protect themselves and it is her duty towards her lost family. She carries unbearable guilt over her mistakes (or ramifications that had nothing to do with her). She treats her achievements and inheritances as a duty rather than as something that elevates her beyond others. She wants a home for herself and peace for everyone.

I should also add that the list about the moments showcasing her empathy and compassion is more than four times bigger than this one. One can argue I'm being biased, but it says something that passages showing instances when she does take violent measures would not fill a whole list. I also had to look for moments when she considers or threatens to in order to fill this one. And even then, her positive aspects greatly surpass her "negative" ones. Why would GRRM focus so much more on her sympathy towards others rather than on her ruthlessness? Must be because Daenerys Targaryen is ultimately meant to be a sympathetic character who is not supposed to turn into a mass murderer of her own volition, ever.

A Dance with Dragons

ADWD Daenerys VIII

The hall rang to Yunkish laughter, Yunkish songs, Yunkish prayers. Dancers danced; musicians played queer tunes with bells and squeaks and bladders; singers sang ancient love songs in the incomprehensible tongue of Old Ghis. Wine flowed—not the thin pale stuff of Slaver’s Bay but rich sweet vintages from the Arbor and dreamwine from Qarth, flavored with strange spices. The Yunkai’i had come at King Hizdahr’s invitation, to sign the peace and witness the rebirth of Meereen’s far-famed fighting pits. Her noble husband had opened the Great Pyramid to fete them.

I hate this, thought Daenerys Targaryen. How did this happen, that I am drinking and smiling with men I’d sooner flay?

“You don’t never want to trust a sellsword, m’lady.”

“I have learned that much. One day I must be sure to thank you for the lesson.”

“Is there some man in the Second Sons who might be persuaded to … remove … Brown Ben?”

“As Daario Naharis once removed the other captains of the Stormcrows?” The old knight looked uncomfortable. “Perhaps. I would not know, Your Grace.”

No, she thought, you are too honest and too honorable. “If not, the Yunkai’i employ three other companies.”

“Rogues and cutthroats, scum of a hundred battlefields,” Ser Barristan warned, “with captains full as treacherous as Plumm.”

“I am only a young girl and know little of such things, but it seems to me that we want them to be treacherous. Once, you’ll recall, I convinced the Second Sons and Stormcrows to join us.”

“If Your Grace wishes a privy word with Gylo Rhegan or the Tattered Prince, I could bring them up to your apartments.”

“This is not the time. Too many eyes, too many ears. Their absence would be noted even if you could separate them discreetly from the Yunkai’i. We must find some quieter way of reaching out to them … not tonight, but soon.”

“As you command. Though I fear this is not a task for which I am well suited. In King’s Landing work of this sort was left to Lord Littlefinger or the Spider. We old knights are simple men, only good for fighting.” He patted his sword hilt.

“Our prisoners,” suggested Dany. “The Westerosi who came over from the Windblown with the three Dornishmen. We still have them in cells, do we not? Use them.”

“Free them, you mean? Is that wise? They were sent here to worm their way into your trust, so they might betray Your Grace at the first chance.”

“Then they failed. I do not trust them. I will never trust them.” If truth be told, Dany was forgetting how to trust. “We can still use them. One was a woman. Meris. Send her back, as a … a gesture of my regard. If their captain is a clever man, he will understand.”

“The woman is the worst of all.”

“All the better.” Dany considered a moment. “We should sound out the Long Lances too. And the Company of the Cat.”

“Bloodbeard.” Ser Barristan’s frown deepened. “If it please Your Grace, we want no part of him. Your Grace is too young to remember the Ninepenny Kings, but this Bloodbeard is cut from the same savage cloth. There is no honor in him, only hunger … for gold, for glory, for blood.”

“You know more of such men than me, ser.” If Bloodbeard might be truly the most dishonorable and greedy of the sellswords, he might be the easiest to sway, but she was loath to go against Ser Barristan’s counsel in such matters. “Do as you think best. But do it soon. If Hizdahr’s peace should break, I want to be ready. I do not trust the slavers.” I do not trust my husband. “They will turn on us at the first sign of weakness.”

“The Yunkai’i grow weaker as well. The bloody flux has taken hold amongst the Tolosi, it is said, and spread across the river to the third Ghiscari legion.”

The pale mare. Daenerys sighed. Quaithe warned me of the pale mare’s coming. She told me of the Dornish prince as well, the sun’s son. She told me much and more, but all in riddles. “I cannot rely on plague to save me from my enemies. Set Pretty Meris free. At once.”

ADWD Daenerys VI

“If we should wed by Westerosi rites …”

“The gods of Ghis would deem it no true union.” Galazza Galare’s face was hidden behind a veil of green silk. Only her eyes showed, green and wise and sad. “In the eyes of the city you would be the noble Hizdahr’s concubine, not his lawful wedded wife. Your children would be bastards. Your Worship must marry Hizdahr in the Temple of the Graces, with all the nobility of Meereen on hand to bear witness to your union.”

Get the heads of all the noble houses out of their pyramids on some pretext, Daario had said. The dragon’s words are fire and blood. Dany pushed the thought aside. It was not worthy of her. “As you wish,” she sighed.

Dany filled his wine cup again, wanting nothing so much as to pour the flagon over his head and drown his complacent smile.

She wanted to scream, to gnash her teeth and tear her clothes and beat upon the floor. Instead she said, “Close the gates. Will you make me say it thrice?” They were her children, but she could not help them now.

ADWD Daenerys IV

“The Shavepate has ways of finding the truth.”

“I do not doubt that Skahaz would soon have me confessing. A day with him, and I will be one of the Harpy’s Sons. Two days, and I will be the Harpy. Three, and it will turn out I slew your father too, back in the Sunset Kingdoms when I was yet a boy. Then he will impale me on a stake and you can watch me die … but afterward the killings will go on.”

ADWD Daenerys III

“The Wise Masters should follow their example. I spared Yunkai before, but I will not make that mistake again. If they should dare attack me, this time I shall raze their Yellow City to the ground.”

“Have you forgotten? I have dragons.” [...]

“My dragons have grown, my shoulders have not. They range far afield, hunting.” Hazzea, forgive me. She wondered how much Xaro knew, what whispers he had heard. “Ask the Good Masters of Astapor about my dragons if you doubt them.” I saw a slaver’s eyes melt and go running down his cheeks.

Westeros. Home. But if she left, what would happen to her city? Meereen was never your city, her brother’s voice seemed to whisper. Your cities are across the sea. Your Seven Kingdoms, where your enemies await you. You were born to serve them blood and fire.

“Xaro Xhoan Daxos does not threaten. He promises.”

Her sadness turned to fury. “And I promise you that if you are not gone before the sun comes up, we will learn how well a liar’s tears can quench dragonfire. Leave me, Xaro. Quickly.”

ADWD Daenerys II

Mercy, thought Dany. They will have the dragon’s mercy. “Skahaz, I have changed my mind. Question the man sharply.”

“I could. Or I could question the daughters sharply whilst the father looks on. That will wring some names from him.”

“Do as you think best, but bring me names.” Her fury was a fire in her belly.

She was the blood of the dragon. She could kill the Sons of the Harpy, and the sons of the sons, and the sons of the sons of the sons. But a dragon could not feed a hungry child nor help a dying woman’s pain. And who would ever dare to love a dragon?

She sniffed suspiciously at Reznak mo Reznak. I could command the Shavepate to arrest him and put him to the question. Would that forestall the prophecy? Or would some other betrayer take his place?

ADWD Daenerys I

Dany said a silent prayer that somewhere one of the Harpy’s Sons was dying even now, clutching at his belly and writhing in pain.

Daenerys pushed her hair back. “Find these cowards for me. Find them, so that I might teach the Harpy’s Sons what it means to wake the dragon.”

She had not forgotten the slave children the Great Masters had nailed up along the road from Yunkai. They had numbered one hundred sixty-three, a child every mile, nailed to mileposts with one arm outstretched to point her way. After Meereen had fallen, Dany had nailed up a like number of Great Masters. Swarms of flies had attended their slow dying, and the stench had lingered long in the plaza. Yet some days she feared that she had not gone far enough. These Meereenese were a sly and stubborn people who resisted her at every turn.

“...Women do not forget. Women do not forgive.”

No, Dany thought, and the Usurper’s dogs will learn that, when I return to Westeros.

There were times when Dany wondered if that razor might not be better saved for Reznak’s throat. He was a useful man, but she liked him little and trusted him less. The Undying of Qarth had told her she would be thrice betrayed. Mirri Maz Duur had been the first, Ser Jorah the second. Would Reznak be the third? The Shavepate? Daario? Or will it be someone I would never suspect, Ser Barristan or Grey Worm or Missandei?

A Storm of Swords

ASOS Daenerys VI

“I want your leaders,” Dany told them. “Give them up, and the rest of you shall be spared.”

“How many?” one old woman had asked, sobbing. “How many must you have to spare us?”

“One hundred and sixty-three,” she answered.

She had them nailed to wooden posts around the plaza, each man pointing at the next. The anger was fierce and hot inside her when she gave the command; it made her feel like an avenging dragon. But later, when she passed the men dying on the posts, when she heard their moans and smelled their bowels and blood ...

Dany put the glass aside, frowning. It was just. It was. I did it for the children.

Dany remembered the horror she had felt when she had seen the Plaza of Punishment in Astapor. I made a horror just as great, but surely they deserved it. Harsh justice is still justice.

“Do not ever presume to touch me again, or to speak my name. You have until dawn to collect your things and leave this city. If you’re found in Meereen past break of day, I will have Strong Belwas twist your head off. I will. Believe that.”

ASOS Daenerys V

Worst of all, they had nailed a slave child up on every milepost along the coast road from Yunkai, nailed them up still living with their entrails hanging out and one arm always outstretched to point the way to Meereen. [...] “I will see them,” she said. “I will see every one, and count them, and look upon their faces. And I will remember.”

ASOS Daenerys IV

“I say, you are mad.”

“Am I?” Dany shrugged, and said, “Dracarys.”

The dragons answered. Rhaegal hissed and smoked, Viserion snapped, and Drogon spat swirling red-black flame. It touched the drape of Grazdan’s tokar, and the silk caught in half a heartbeat. Golden marks spilled across the carpets as the envoy stumbled over the chest, shouting curses and beating at his arm until Whitebeard flung a flagon of water over him to douse the flames. “You swore I should have safe conduct! “ the Yunkish envoy wailed.

“Do all the Yunkai’i whine so over a singed tokar? I shall buy you a new one ... if you deliver up your slaves within three days. Elsewise, Drogon shall give you a warmer kiss.”

ASOS Daenerys III

“He will not come,” Kraznys said.

“There is a reason. A dragon is no slave.” And Dany swept the lash down as hard as she could across the slaver’s face. Kraznys screamed and staggered back, the blood running red down his cheeks into his perfumed beard. The harpy’s fingers had torn his features half to pieces with one slash, but she did not pause to contemplate the ruin. “Drogon,” she sang out loudly, sweetly, all her fear forgotten. “Dracarys.”

The black dragon spread his wings and roared.

[...] “Unsullied!” Dany galloped before them, her silver-gold braid flying behind her, her bell chiming with every stride. “Slay the Good Masters, slay the soldiers, slay every man who wears a tokar or holds a whip, but harm no child under twelve, and strike the chains off every slave you see.” She raised the harpy’s fingers in the air ... and then she flung the scourge aside. “Freedom!” she sang out. “Dracarys! Dracarys!”

“Dracarys!” they shouted back, the sweetest word she’d ever heard. “Dracarys! Dracarys!” And all around them slavers ran and sobbed and begged and died, and the dusty air was filled with spears and fire.

ASOS Daenerys I

[“]The warlocks said the second treason would be for gold. What does Illyrio Mopatis love more than gold?”

“His skin.” Across the cabin Drogon stirred restlessly, steam rising from his snout. “Mirri Maz Duur betrayed me. I burned her for it.”

A Clash of Kings

ACOK Daenerys III

“I mean to sail to Westeros, and drink the wine of vengeance from the skull of the Usurper.”

[...] “Will nothing turn you from this madness?”

“Nothing,” she said, wishing she was as certain as she sounded.

A Game of Thrones

AGOT Daenerys X

“I am tired of the maegi’s braying,” Dany told Jhogo. He took his whip to her, and after that the godswife kept silent.

As she climbed down off the pyre, she noticed Mirri Maz Duur watching her. “You are mad,” the godswife said hoarsely.

“Is it so far from madness to wisdom?” Dany asked. “Ser Jorah, take this maegi and bind her to the pyre.”

“To the ... my queen, no, hear me ...”

“Do as I say.” Still he hesitated, until her anger flared. “You swore to obey me, whatever might come. Rakharo, help him.”

[...] “I thank you, Mirri Maz Duur,” she said, “for the lessons you have taught me.”

“You will not hear me scream,” Mirri responded as the oil dripped from her hair and soaked her clothing.

“I will,” Dany said, “but it is not your screams I want, only your life. I remember what you told me. Only death can pay for life.”

AGOT Daenerys IX

“Eroeh?” asked Dany, remembering the frightened child she had saved outside the city of the Lamb Men.

“Mago seized her, who is Khal Jhaqo’s bloodrider now,” said Jhogo. “He mounted her high and low and gave her to his khal, and Jhaqo gave her to his other bloodriders. They were six. When they were done with her, they cut her throat.”

“It was her fate, Khaleesi,” said Aggo. 

If I look back I am lost. “It was a cruel fate,” Dany said, “yet not so cruel as Mago’s will be. I promise you that, by the old gods and the new, by the lamb god and the horse god and every god that lives. I swear it by the Mother of Mountains and the Womb of the World. Before I am done with them, Mago and Ko Jhaqo will plead for the mercy they showed Eroeh.”

The Dothraki exchanged uncertain glances. “Khaleesi,” the handmaid Irri explained, as if to a child, “Jhaqo is a khal now, with twenty thousand riders at his back.”

She lifted her head. “And I am Daenerys Stormhorn, Daenerys of House Targaryen, of the blood of Aegon the Conqueror and Maegor the Cruel and old Valyria before them. I am the dragon’s daughter, and I swear to you, these men will die screaming. Now bring me to Khal Drogo.”

Dany called out for the men of her khas and bid them take Mirri Maz Duur and bind her hand and foot, but the maegi smiled at her as they carried her off, as if they shared a secret. A word, and Dany could have her head off ... yet then what would she have? A head? If life was worthless, what was death?

AGOT Daenerys VIII

“You do not command me, Khaleesi,” Qotho said.

“Find Mirri Maz Duur,” she told him. The godswife would be walking among the other Lamb Men, in the long column of slaves. “Bring her to me, with her chest.”

Qotho glared down at her, his eyes hard as flint. “The maegi.” He spat. “This I will not do.”

“You will,” Dany said, “or when Drogo wakes, he will hear why you defied me.”

Eroeh stared fearfully at Drogo where he lay. “He dies,” she whispered.

Dany slapped her. “The khal cannot die. He is the father of the stallion who mounts the world. His hair has never been cut. He still wears the bells his father gave him.”

“Khaleesi,” Jhiqui said, “he fell from his horse.”

Trembling, her eyes full of sudden tears, Dany turned away from them.

Only a horse, Dany thought. If she could buy Drogo’s life with the death of a horse, she would pay a thousand times over.

She caught him by the shoulder, but Qotho shoved her aside. Dany fell to her knees, crossing her arms over her belly to protect the child within. “Stop him,” she commanded her khas, “kill him.”

AGOT Daenerys VII

“I will not have her harmed,” Dany said. “I claim her. Do as I command you, or Khal Drogo will know the reason why.”

AGOT Daenerys VI

“You will drink,” Dany said, cold as ice. “Empty the cup, or I will tell them to hold you down while Ser Jorah pours the whole cask down your throat.”

His khalasar left Vaes Dothrak two days later, striking south and west across the plains. Khal Drogo led them on his great red stallion, with Daenerys beside him on her silver. The wineseller hurried behind them, naked, on foot, chained at throat and wrists. His chains were fastened to the halter of Dany’s silver. As she rode, he ran after her, barefoot and stumbling. No harm would come to him ... so long as he kept up.

AGOT Daenerys IV

“I am the Lord of the Seven Kingdoms, not some grass-stained savage with bells in his hair,” Viserys spat back at her. He grabbed her arm. “You forget yourself, slut. Do you think that big belly will protect you if you wake the dragon?”

His fingers dug into her arm painfully and for an instant Dany felt like a child again, quailing in the face of his rage. She reached out with her other hand and grabbed the first thing she touched, the belt she’d hoped to give him, a heavy chain of ornate bronze medallions. She swung it with all her strength.

It caught him full in the face. Viserys let go of her. Blood ran down his cheek where the edge of one of the medallions had sliced it open. “You are the one who forgets himself,” Dany said to him. “Didn’t you learn anything that day in the grass? Leave me now, before I summon my khas to drag you out. And pray that Khal Drogo does not hear of this, or he will cut open your belly and feed you your own entrails.”

#daenerys targaryen #a dance with dragons #a storm of swords #a clash of kings #a game of thrones #dany passages

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comicteaparty · 4 years ago

Text

Writing & Misc. Resources

Check out this plethora of writing and other comic creating resources archived from Comic Tea Party’s Writing & Misc. Resources Channel!

RebelVampire

https://www.sfwa.org/2009/08/fantasy-worldbuilding-questions/ - an enormous set of world-building questions for fantasy and science fiction stories.(edited)

http://rollforfantasy.com/ - generators and guides galore. it's fairly D&D oriented, but its broad enough to work as an aid for any sort of story you want when it comes to building certain elements.(edited)

http://writersrandomramblings.tumblr.com/post/139781578857/elements-of-culture - fantastic chart that helps categorize elements of culture for world-building. really helpful when you're trying to organize your thoughts(edited)

https://www.learnthat.org/pages/view/roots.html - a quick reference for latin and greek word roots. its really helpful if you need to build your own made up words.(edited)

http://donjon.bin.sh/fantasy/calendar/ - a cool generator that can help you build a fantasy calendar. not the most robust, but if you need to make something for quick reference it works well

http://www.behindthename.com/ - my personal goto site for names. has a large collection with meanings and everything.(edited)

Kabocha

There is a thing called "Knife Theory," -- while it's primarily referenced for D&D, this gives some ideas on how you can quickly and easily flesh out an exploitable backstory for a character. Every "knife" a storyteller has can be used to further the character arc of someone if you so choose. https://www.reddit.com/r/DnD/comments/775caq/my_friends_and_i_have_something_called_knife/

Also gonna drop "Worldbuilding Question of the Day" and the "Original Character Question of the Day" tumblrs: https://wbqotd.tumblr.com/ https://ocqotd.tumblr.com/ World/Character building is optoinal but useful! Your mileage may vary from question to question.

Kabocha

MIT Open Courseware Courses Writing Science Fiction: https://ocw.mit.edu/courses/comparative-media-studies-writing/21w-759-writing-science-fiction-spring-2016/ Genre Fiction Workshop: Fantasy: https://ocw.mit.edu/courses/comparative-media-studies-writing/21w-758-genre-fiction-workshop-fantasy-fall-2016/ Genre Fiction Workshop: https://ocw.mit.edu/courses/comparative-media-studies-writing/21w-758-genre-fiction-workshop-spring-2013/ Transmedia Storytelling: Modern Science Fiction: https://ocw.mit.edu/courses/comparative-media-studies-writing/21w-763j-transmedia-storytelling-modern-science-fiction-spring-2014/index.htm Make sure to check out the assignments and student work, as well as the readings, and lecture notes. All of these are free.(edited)

RebelVampire

http://www.spacejock.com/yWriter5.html -free word processor software. ywriter may have an ugly site, but the software is immensely useful if you want to collect lots of information in the same place. character profiles? important locations? the outline? all can be contained in a single file. http://wikidpad.sourceforge.net/ -another great, free program. if youre a fan of wikis and would like to store your story notes in a wiki format, this program is great for that.

https://papercatpress.com/ - since this one doesnt really fit art_resources ill put it here. paper cat press is a great resource for finding tons of resources in general. contests, zines, job openings, and so forth! definitely a great thing to have if you're a comic creator.

Kabocha

Webcomic Listing Resources Where can people find links to your comics to read? Comic Bookmarking assistants -ArchiveBinge - https://archivebinge.com/ -Piperka - https://piperka.net/ -ComicRocket - https://www.comic-rocket.com/ Lists -The Webcomic List - http://www.thewebcomiclist.com/ -TopWebComics - http://www.topwebcomics.com/ -Belfry - https://new.belfrycomics.net/ -Webcomics Guide - https://webcomicsguide.com/category/webcomics/ <- this might be iffy, browse with discretion and probably not at work -Webcomic Library - https://webcomiclibrary.tumblr.com/ -LGBT Webcomics - https://tagpacker.com/user/lgbtwebcomics(edited)

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

These are also about site design, only partly intersecting with writing...but there's no coding_resources chat, so I guess I'll put it here? Useful Wordpress plugins for webcomic sites. https://twitter.com/ErinPtah/status/1045091986070556672

Kabocha

Also, if you're using Wordpress, this site is invaluable for keeping up to date with the latest issues that might pop up with various plugins: https://wpvulndb.com/ You can search for various plugins, and sign up for an email digest. We use it at work a lot to make sure nothin' we're using got hit. Also, if you do email through wordpress at all -- get an SMTP auth plugin! It's... well, good because your mail can be rate-limited in case it starts spamming. Also sending authenticated emails will help stuff from getting flagged as spam. It won't stop it, but it will help. Many shared hosts require this. https://wordpress.org/plugins/easy-wp-smtp/

Kabocha

If you were wondering how people got things like.... a Patreon icon, or a deviantart icon on their site using a font... Worry no more -- here it is! FONTAWESOME https://fontawesome.com/icons?d=gallery&m=free The free version is just that -- free. Documentation: https://fontawesome.com/how-to-use/on-the-web/setup/getting-started?using=web-fonts-with-css

Kabocha

Also, since I'm thinking about fonts, here's some good places to get free or inexpensive fonts with commercial use licenses: http://typodermicfonts.com/ - Check the "Some Styles Free"/Free tag in the catalog https://creativemarket.com/free-goods - Every week, there's a few new "free" items, one of which is usually a font. https://www.myfonts.com/search//free/?sort=cheap - MyFonts has a free option -- check the licenses on what you download https://www.exljbris.com/ - You may recognize this foundry, but... well, they have some distinctive, useful fonts! Check them out if you get a chance. http://www.blambot.com/ - COMIC FONTS! Some free, some paid. Read the license. https://fonts.google.com/ - Google has a ton of fonts that are available for web use AND download under the MIT open source license. *note: commercial use means like... in your books, or on your website, etc. Read licenses of course, and know what you're allowed to do. Many fonts do not allow you to use them in a graphic that you are trademarking because this may limit other people's use. https://99designs.com/blog/logo-branding/trademarking-a-logo/ If you're thinking about applying for a trademark, talk to your lawyer, not to me.

Artem Ficta (Ring Spell)

Also https://www.fontsquirrel.com/ for free fonts

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

I get a bunch of cheap fonts, and other graphics resources, at MightyDeals: https://www.mightydeals.com/

They do limited-time offers of big bundles at huge discounts. Some of them have really nice fonts, others have tiled patterns (I've used them for SO many clothing textures) and clipart elements, that kind of thing.

Kabocha

https://myfonts.cmail20.com/t/ViewEmail/y/681445A81EC65CCF/0AB7A90AD1D74D85B4B1B1F623478121 Free font Friday!

RebelVampire

https://www.emwelsh.com/blog/character-questions an article with 7 questions to get to know your characters. i really liked some of the questions on here so i thought itd be worth sharing.

Kabocha

If you're looking for resources for writing comics or just... writing, here's a few (including book recs): Save the Cat https://www.amazon.com/Save-Last-Book-Screenwriting-Youll/dp/1932907009 Beat sheets can be found here: http://www.savethecat.com/category/beat-sheets Romancing the beat http://gwenhayes.com/romancing-the-beat/ People don't talk a lot about romance stories or arcs and how they're structured. So here ya go. http://gwenhayes.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/RtB_worksheet.pdf Generic beet sheet Various worksheets for plotting, beta reading, etc: https://jamigold.com/for-writers/worksheets-for-writers/ (The beta reader sheet is definitely worth a look if you're giving people things to read over -- focuses their feedback ) Writing a character's internal journey https://jamigold.com/2014/05/how-can-we-show-a-characters-internal-journey/ SciFi/Fantasy Writers of America resources https://www.sfwa.org/other-resources/for-authors/information-center/ (for those looking for US publication -- GUILDS HAVE TONS OF INFO. This list goes to tons of blog entries!!)(edited)

Kabocha

https://twitter.com/gumroad/status/1058358068411555840 Hey, if you didn't know, Gumroad has a wordpress plugin, and that's kind of awesome if you ask me.

Kabocha

Dropping some youtube videos tonight, all from the same channel. Evaluating Critical Feedback on your book: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCeXPF1SS10 Revising Character Arcs in Your Novel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jj6MASDD_P4 How To Develop Characters: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SicPEVhzSaM Writing Hack: Break Out Of Your Writing Rut: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAsV3Vhvy-I Revising Your Novel: Where To Start: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lAKvUwrhCr0(edited)

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

Putting this here because there's no "coding resources" channel, hope that's all right. Now that a lot of people are suddenly feeling the need to move their webcomics to an independent hosting site, I really to spread this around...if you're going with Wordpress, don't use ComicPress! Use Webcomic 5: https://wordpress.org/plugins/webcomic/ It has more features, it's more versatile, and it's updated much more regularly, with an active support forum if you need it. There's so much you'd be missing out on.

Kabocha

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXoJYOWFESI This entire channel is great, but this video. (Tenor pointed out to me she uploaded a new vid) EDITING! Also, another CMS for webcomics? Hmmm. It ain't wordpress, at least. http://ptyxis.cthonic.com/ Note: I have not tested this. I cannot speak to how usable this system is. I assume it requires a base willingness to learn html/css at minimum.

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

Useful poll about what readers like in webcomics! Covers site design as well as story stuff: https://hplehkonen.com/blog/how-do-you-read-webcomics-poll-data/

Delphina

I'm really digging this video series about con table setup and sharing tables! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TpPNSFBemQ0

Artem Ficta (Ring Spell)

https://twitter.com/MattGarvey1981/status/1135157084805312512?s=19

MJ Massey

This podcast mini series features two creators I have met in real life and consider authorities on comic writing: Dirk Manning and Russell Nohelty. Each week they will be focusing on a question from one of the different creators in this mastermind group. http://www.comixlaunch.com/session202

Attila Polyák

Whenever I join any webcomic related community I always end up linking to this wonderful guide that covers everything that's webcomic making or related: https://evanjwaterman.com/guide/ Also fun fact: This guide used to be just some publicly shared google sheet, but the dude who compiled it eventually made this page for it.

RebelVampire

https://yourlocalwriterblog.tumblr.com/post/185806112050/how-to-make-a-story-file some great ideas for organizing your stories and making sure the important things that need to be answered are getting answered.

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

The power of pacing https://twitter.com/Hamm_Tips/status/821137467545817088

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

Made a post with all the foundational "how to start a webcomic" advice I've seen people ask for, plus some that I haven't: http://leifandthorn.com/2019/07/help-i-want-to-make-a-new-webcomic-how-do-i-start/

The Q

Found this very new resource about making webcomics, from a Finnish webcomics creator (who seems really cool on twitter). It's still in pre-order, but you read the first chapter for free. Thought maybe it could help someone! https://twitter.com/HPLehkonen/status/1160965755330076672

Jo Michelle

Don't know if I've shared this before, but this is a really good resource for story creation: https://youtu.be/hZgWw5juPJ8

MJ Massey

I have trouble coming up with FX ideas so this has been really helpful! http://www.comicbookfx.com/fxlist.php?fbclid=IwAR2QzmzgfVhFy4690_KaK0NX4Qg2r2tPSVXHhwLGf2ldin9m5hSnlDUwsU0

DaemonDan

I also have made use of http://www.writtensound.com/index.php for coming up with onomatopoeia.

DaeofthePast

Jami Gold has a good breakdown on writing romance https://jamigold.com/2012/11/write-romance-get-your-beat-sheet-here/

Pistashi

someone sent me this website on twitter and I thought it was really well done https://www.wirepop.com/

a good initiative too

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

For those of you also writing fantasy, you might find these two videos interesting: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMJQb5bGu_g&t=256s https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZVrnfniQiS8&t=222s

MJ Massey

My pal Russell relaunched his podcast as The Complete Creative and his first episode is a discussion with Tyler James of ComixLaunch. Both of these guys are experts on having a comics business https://open.spotify.com/episode/2QluA6vfhsmvhTnMRQ0wN3?si=OzF2goYlQeqgg99PL3sqXg

SAWHAND

Hi all! Here's a favorite link of mind for writing stuff! This is an entire recorded course from Brigham Young University on Writing. It's basically a lecture class by Brandon Sanderson, who's written a few of my fav books. It's a quite good class that covers many main categories of writing fiction! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N4ZDBOc2tX8&list=PLH3mK1NZn9QqOSj3ObrP3xL8tEJQ12-vL

Also, I like to plot stories out event-by-event, then scene-by-scene for comics and I found this really cool format for using excel/spreadsheets to do it that I really like. This person uses the technique (they call it God's Eye View) for screenplay writing, so there's a whole thing about color-coding scenes based on what characters are in the scenes that I just don't bother doing, so don't let the crazy rainbow intimidate you! Anyway, it really helped me organize and get a good feel for the overall pacing of the story https://thestorydepartment.com/get-a-gods-eye-view-of-your-story/ Enjoy!

Kabocha

https://wordpress.org/themes/toocheke/ https://wordpress.org/plugins/toocheke-companion/ Alternative webcomic resource for wordpress

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Another 'Hello Future Me' video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2dzRzPPAwY

He has a lot of excellent writing resources (including a book on worldbuilding), so I recommend checking him out.

Kabocha

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6HOdHEeosc&list=PLSH_xM-KC3Zv-79sVZTTj-YA6IAqh8qeQ Brandon Sanderson's got a really good writing course, and the one he's got going for this year is being posted online with each lecture. Totally worth it if you're into writing fantasy and sci fi (And it's FREE!)

Dann

https://twitter.com/EtheringtonBros/status/1228916004463489025?s=20

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

So earlier in the general chat we were talking about types of characters (mary sues, likeable characters, antiheroes, etc), and this short video I think summarises the basic factor for creating an engaging character: https://youtu.be/QM1tUwpy-yQ

Kabocha

If you're looking to be published or agented, make sure to take a glance at the Manuscript Wishlist for agents to see what they're looking for and if what you're doing matches that niche! https://www.manuscriptwishlist.com/the-comprehensive-search-and-query-guide/

Kabocha

Also, if you're looking for freelance editors, the Editorial Freelancers Association has a nifty search tool! (And yes you can have them review comics!) https://www.the-efa.org/hiring/

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

Wrote an article on webcomic-specific issues from COVID-19, and some strategies and resources for handling them: http://herald.comicadia.com/2020/03/17/covid-19-and-you-r-webcomic/

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

One of my favorite "here's one way to look at pacing" guides. Short and sweet! Source: https://twitter.com/Hamm_Tips/status/821137467545817088

em.rowene

Hey all! Just heard about a virtual comic con being held over discord/twitch this weekend. There's a lot of interesting comic-related programming! All the info is at: stayhomecomiccon.nl(edited)

em.rowene

I’m double sharing in this channel, I guess, but I’m starting up a hashtag for creators to share ko-fi/commission/other support posts on twitter! It kicks off tomorrow! https://twitter.com/anaphiel_/status/1244727294503067655?s=21

CoppertheCarutor

Whoo Hello Future Me made another video on writing mental illness!... if anyone else is interested in that sort of thing. https://youtu.be/SQCb7GiNOrE

Joichi [Hybrid Dolls]

Good advice on comics to listen to, even tho she's going to teach graphic novel tips, it applies to Webcomics: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TFsDCxHJpBg(edited)

Joichi [Hybrid Dolls]

DVpit is coming soon, here's a thread of comic artist advice on looking for a literary agent by my good friends, JesnCin. This is for marginalized creators https://twitter.com/JesnCin/status/1250788458618073088?s=19(edited)

Joichi [Hybrid Dolls]

Guide on How to change your book formatted comic into a Webtoon. Found this and thought it's a useful guide: https://youtu.be/evv5hyB6UGk

Joichi [Hybrid Dolls]

Webtoon gave guides on how to publish on their site. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWLxyqoe66w

shadowhood {SunnyxRain}

Was looking up tips for designing comic banners for comment storm and found this! Pretty solid advice for anyone thinking of doing it. http://webcomicalliance.com/business/10-terrific-tips-for-building-banners/

Jo Michelle

This focuses on screenwriting, but the suggestions about opening scenes and establishing empathy with characters is true for any medium: https://youtu.be/E1eoLw1goic

Miranda (Into the Swell)

Some helpful information on prologues: https://www.masterclass.com/articles/writing-101-what-is-a-prologue#3-famous-examples-of-prologues-in-literature(edited)

Joichi [Hybrid Dolls]

The Mom Trope guide; this covers 3 types of moms. I like that she mentions the Missing Mom and give pointers on why it's written this way. Also her black cat distracted me https://youtu.be/vMc955HsAV8(edited)

em.rowene

There's an online SFF writing convention happening this weekend! There are some realy interesting worldbuilding panels on the program! https://emrowene.tumblr.com/post/618560723074908160/diverse-sff-writing-convention-this-memorial

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

A cool post by the staff at GlobalComix about finding your audience: https://globalcomix.com/news/details/9/who-is-the-ideal-reader-for-your-comic-

CoppertheCarutor

This person who ran a really dedicated critique thread on Tapas made this doc, I figured it would be an interesting read for users of the platform. https://docs.google.com/document/d/11ejYNWf9w8L1Y-th1SHAqT3sSDPbOY6KNd-1CfvBTJE/edit

Joichi [Hybrid Dolls]

Good advice about Tips for new and 'getting into it' creators starting a webcomic. I agree alot with Caezhel since it speaks to my struggles even though I've done webcomics for afew years https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wc6greXRS7A(edited)

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Hello Future Me back at it again with a world-building video: https://youtu.be/gcyrrTud3x4

LabsZach

This vid hit me between the eyes re: The Toolbox Fallacy https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz4YqwH_6D0&feature=emb_title

eliushi [Keyspace]

Taglines for your comic! Tips: https://www.google.com/amp/s/thoughtsonfantasy.com/20hat-makes-a-good-book-tagline/amp/

Feather J. Fern

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-v4R2ZcxPlA Other that the satirical nature of this video, it does give good advice

#ctparchive

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beautifulrzilience · 7 years ago

Text

Real Talk-Choosing between the Ivy Leagues and Elite Public Universities

Oh my gatos! Never. Again. Will I wear thick platform heels to school. Ever. Especially when I KNOW that I gotta walk a good 13-15 minutes to get to the train station to go to school --Someone get me a foot masseuse, a red velvet cupcake, and cold tea. Like right meow.

Jokes aside (but not really because my feet are throbbing!)-- today was my department’s orientation for us first year PhD students --and to my surprise it went well--like really well. Like I couldn’t believe that I was sitting at this round table with my cohort, administrative staff, and core faculty, and never did I once feel uncomfortable around anybody. I don’t know if it’s an East Coast thing--or a CUNY thing--but like there is no sense of elitism, fake politeness, competitiveness--or intellectual snobbery here. All of my peers in my cohort have demonstrated nothing but support, encouragement, and care. Even faculty! I honestly felt like all of the core faculty showed genuine belief in our intellectual talent and creativity, which is why out of 90 applicants--they had chosen us 8 to be admitted to the program. Pretty crazy huh?

For a split second I thought about my first “orientation” for Ethnic Studies back in 2013. Why? Because I recall how tight my body was, how my heart was racing so fast I thought I was going to pass out- I mean I was straight up uncomfortable and felt like I was a complete outsider because there was no one that looked like me there. It also didn’t help that there was a funky vibe and energy with most people I encountered (faculty and grad students). And here I was, fast forward to 2017, and I’m just sitting calmly listening to Dr. X talking about the program’s milestones, expectations, and requirements. Maybe because I already tried a PhD program before so I wasn’t intimidated by nothing-- there wasn’t anything shocking that was expected of us-or any outlandish workload--I knew what I had signed up for. Or maybe that I am older now-- I learned not to get too hyped--stressed about shit, because it’s not worth my mental health or sanity. I am not sure -but I felt really calm and relaxed. Although there wasn’t anybody that looked like me there, I felt comfortable, which I believe is already a good sign.

And you’ll hear me talk about my former program a lot because --well it’s part of my intellectual, spiritual, emotional, and physical experience. It’s always going to be a part of me-for the better or worse. It’s what I have as a point of reference you know? And my intent is not to bash Ethnic Studies at Berkeley, rather be honest about what my experiences as a first-generation Xicana at an elite public university was like in terms of navigating the politics, the bullshit, and all of the things that people are just not upfront about. That’s the point of this blog. I want ya’ll to get a real sense of what it could be like. Things that you might want to look out for when it’s your turn to start a PhD or masters program.

So, why John Jay (CUNY)?

During my one day orientation at John Jay, many people asked me--why’d you pick JJ?” Truth be told, it was the only program that took me. See I was upfront about what happened to me at Berkeley, and I have a strong belief that most admissions faculty members took one look at my shit and were like NOPE. Even though I KNOW I am MORE THAN ENOUGH to be at any mothafuckin elite program in the United States. I know I have what it takes to become a scholar-shit I already am one. But see that’s where politics come in. The behind the doors type of shit no one talks about but that is ever so present in academia. But the other belief of mine was that when I sent out my applications, I asked God to send me to the right place. I had applied to all top ranked/elite programs in the country for Sociology and Criminal Justice/Criminology, so I knew that no matter what happened, whatever schools said yes, I wasn’t settling for anything but what I knew I deserved. So when JJ said “We want you!” --I took that as a sign from God that this was where my next opportunity for greatness was at. So I took it. Plus they said I was going to be fully funded-- I mean why the fuck not? Right?

One comment that was the most striking to me was one that was stated by one of the staff members, “Between you and I, I didn’t think you were going to come here.” And with a scrunched face I nervously asked, “Why not?” and she responded, “Well with all the options you have--why come here?” They were referencing to the fact that I could’ve gone to an NYU--Columbia--Harvard or another elite Ivy League school. In the back of my mind I was like “Damn, you thought I got into those places? Word! But I didn’t” --Then--cus I told ya’ll I would be honest- I panicked. I was like “Damn did I not come to an elite school? Should I have waited and reapplied until I did get accepted to a Harvard or Columbia?” But I just smiled and said, “I feel like this is the right place for me.”

and its true, i feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be, and it feels so fucking good..

But see, at the end of the day, you gotta ask yourself, who are you? What are your values? Because honestly, if I had to do it over, I still believe that I wouldn’t choose Ivy League schools over elite public universities. And it’s not because I don’t think I am good enough--shit it’s as simple as I don’t want to be around elitist assholes. I am not so interested in prestige and material accolades. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to get awards and recognition etc. but honestly as I sat and stared at everyone around me--I kept thinking about what pursuing and obtaining this PhD meant to me. When it comes down to it--I’m really interested en la liberacion de mi gente. You know what I’m sayin? Like I want to use academia as a platform for social change in my community. I want my Black and Brown --Indigenous & Native peoples to win. I still believe in the power of public institutions. Education should be free and it should be for everyone. We have to fight against the privatization of higher education ya’ll. Forreal.

On another note, I just wanted to let ya’ll know that I feel really happy today. I feel like even though I literally got uprooted from everything and everyone I love and know, this move is going to be the game changer in my career. I need this. I didn’t want to do it, but I jumped, I flew, and I landed where I need to land. And I’m excited ya’ll! Forreal. I’m here to hit the ground running.

P.S

I know this might be petty but I just got a kick out of it. I went back to check out my syllabus for my Intro to Ethnic Studies at Cal and compared it to an Intro syllabus for Criminal Justice and I mean...check it out for yourself:

Introduction to Ethnic Studies Syllabus at UC Berkeley:

VS.

Introduction to Criminal Justice at John Jay

Oh the irony! This was one of the professors who said that one of my exams was not passable...yet... check out the quality of this syllabi. Enough said right?

I feel like I am definitely in the right place. I’m finally going to get some legit training to be the best scholar that I can be. I mean you can just see the intentionality in this syllabus that the program means buisness. And I’m ready. I’ve been ready for a long time....

So with that said, it’s a wrap for the night ya’ll. I’m tired.

Love,

la negrita chocolate

#Day15

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scummy-writes · 8 years ago

Note

MC who loves Lolita and always wears it (with the picture of her favorite dress? Only if you want to) What would RFA+V+Saeran's reaction be to dis adorable MC

٩(•̤̀ᵕ•̤́๑)ᵒᵏᵎᵎᵎᵎ In middle school I used to learn a lot about the Lolita styles, but since that was years ago, I’m using This Guide to help me brush up. Each style I’m referencing has a image on that blog by an artist that goes by Tophatcats, and they did a great job! You can also find that each style (Except ero style) has a tag on there with many pictures for reference! I…I can’t really choose a favorite. (ಥ﹏ಥ)

Zen

- At the RFA party it wasn’t really…appropriate to wear lolita, but you sure as hell tried a quieter version of what you usually wore

- So Zen’s shock of your full blown Ero lolita outfit was slightly expected.

- “Whoa! Mc, you’re so dressed up. I-I mean you look amazing, but whoa!”

- You just chuckled a bit and explained that you usually dressed like this, you even pulled up a few good selfies on your phone to show some examples

- The little coffee date slowly turned into a brief explanation of lolita and a long Q&A session

- But, honestly, he didn’t mind it! He’d want to try and have his outfits go along with yours at times (If he knew ahead of time what you were going to wear), and he loved how cute you looked

- Granted, with the name ‘Ero Lolita’ he expected some scandalous outfits, but he was happy they weren’t too bad at all

- Still didn’t mean he didn’t find you sexy in them of course, but he wasn’t too worried about others trying to paw at you

- Getting ready with him would be a breeze because you both took so long. You wouldn’t have to worry about him nagging or being upset with how long it took you to get everything perfect

- I mean. He was exactly the same, except his clothes might be slightly easier to put on than yours

- (He was a fast learner on how to take them off, tho ;) )

Jumin

- Okay, so you did rush to his apartment when the RFA group wanted you to. You swear. You just needed to make sure you looked decent, that your make-up wasn’t messed up… You needed to look! Your! Best!

- As soon as you walked in his jaw nearly dropped

- He wanted to treat you like a princess, but he had no idea you dressed as one

- (This…Explained a lot of things)

- After a few days stay (You making sure if he washed your clothes they were not to be ruined whatsoever) he slowly asked you what on earth you were wearing

- He wasn’t used to seeing such a different way of fashion, and you happily answered his questions about the Hime lolita style

- From that point on, he didn’t mind helping you afford/buy the high-end brand pieces you liked, and he offered to give his opinion whenever you needed it

- He secretly loved the fact that you dressed exactly how he wanted to treat you

- He’d try his best to surprise you with expensive jewelry to go along with your outfits (especially tiaras)

- The only time he wouldn’t enjoy it so much would be when he was trying to take it off of you. If he so much as popped a stitch on it you gave him a yelp and a stern slap on the arm.

Yoosung

- Your style was easier to get away with, and Yoosung not knowing much about fashion probably would think it was just a prettier way to dress

- Casual lolita was your style, due to you being young and broke….Much like Yoosung orz

- Even though it was a bit casual, he did take notice of how you didn’t just throw things on like he did (gdi yoosung), and seemed to take a bit to get ready. Was this just how girls were?

- One day you took him shopping with you. Mainly to get him a few more shirts (He had like five), and a few more pieces for your cords. When you kept rejecting some outfits, even though he said you looked great in them, he asked what exactly you were looking for

- When you say something to go with your cords, that’s when the full blown Q&A session through several, several, stores started

- He was interested, only slightly understood it, but didn’t mind because you looked so cute and pretty to him.

- So what if you took a bit long to get ready? He’d make sure he looked good enough to be beside you during that time!

Seven

- He nearly spat out his soda when you popped up on the CCTV screen in full blown Sweet lolita!

- You didn’t look bad, not at all, but dear god you were going to hate being stuck in the apartment with hardly any clothes

- He may tease you in a few phone calls, like he does everyone, but you looked so cute

- In person he gave you a big hug and made way too many variations of jokes along the lines of “You’re so cute I could eat you right up!”

- Sure, it was difficult to laze around with you at times- Once he cuddled too much with you on the couch and his hair managed to get stuck in a hair clip of yours.

- Otherwise, he was your personal hype man!

- He’d look up different styles of the Sweet lolita, watch you put on your make-up, love the new cords you made

- Sometimes he’d even want you to dress him up in your style!

- (He would want you to make a HBC themed cord tho. Come on, you know he’d love you in it, or love wearing it)

Jaehee

- She Loved It

- The way you dressed fit in with the cafe theme- A simple Classic style lolita.

- She didn’t understand it at first. Instead of bothering you with questions, she did her own research on it. Once she found out, she’d be very supportive

-I mean, you looked so cute? How could she not??

- Once in a blue moon she’d let you dress her up in a cord of yours, but she’d need so much prompting to go outside. She’d feel so out of place

- She wouldn’t mind making coffee/tea and sweets for any lolita meet-ups though. She loved seeing all the different styles, and how your planned new cords

- His eyesight was a bit bad, everyone knew this, but when he saw a big black blob from far away he was a little worried

- When you were up close and he was able to see you a bit better, he felt his heart flutter a bit. You looked like an old gothtic doll!

-He wasn't used to the style, not at all, but he loved finding places to help compliment outfit pictures

-He's more of a nature guy, so he would be able to help you the most during the winter for the best backgrounds

-Otherwise he thought you were so pretty! Like a living doll. He loved taking pictures of you, and once his eyesight was better, he loved studying the different patterns you had

-If possible, he'd see if you were willing to try different styles for photo sets he wanted to take with you

Saeran

-When he first saw you, he didn't know how to react

-You were so cute! He wasn't supposed have feelings for people... But here he was, trying not to stumble over his words

-You almost dressed like him, but...Fancier? He was a bit confused, but looking it up he found out you were dressing as a Punk Lolita?

-He didn't really get it, but you were so pretty he didn't mind.

-He loved watching you get ready, making small little make up suggestions

-Sometimes if he thought one of his studded wristbands or chokers would go with your outfit, he'd wordlessly put them on you

-All in all, he absolutely loved it and loved seeing each new cord you put together.

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writing-creative-fiction · 5 years ago

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VISAWUS – aka The Victorian Interdisciplinary Association of the Western United States – embraces scholars of the Victorian era from any academic discipline and any career stage. Thus, the presenters at their annual conference in November 2019 ranged from eminent Professors with publication lists as long as your arm to under-graduate students approaching the final examinations of their Bachelor degree – and somewhere toward the lower end of that scale is me, for I decided to respond to their Call for Papers in February and was offered the opportunity to speak on one of their panels. The venue for the 2019 conference was the 15-storey Courtyard by Marriott Hotel, which has occupied the historic Alaska Building in Pioneer Square, Seattle, since 2010. The building dates back to 1903 and was designed by Earnes and Young to provide suitable office and storage facilities for the stockholders of the Scandinavian-American Bank during the Alaskan gold-rush. On its completion, Seattle’s Alaska Building, with its state-of-the-art fireproof construction, was the first 14-storey steel-framed construction in Seattle and the tallest building in Northwest America. The images below show The Alaska Building, as portrayed in an information booklet at the hotel, and The Arctic Building, which is just round the corner from The Alaska Building.

The Alaska Building, from an information booklet provided at the hotel

The Arctic Building, just round the corner from The Alaska Building

Just me, then! As the only representative of the UK – apart from a Toronto-based Professor hailing originally from the northwest of England – I could easily have felt a little out of place at VISAWUS 2019, but, on the contrary, I was warmly welcomed and enjoyed many interesting and helpful conversations with fellow delegates – although several misunderstood the name of my University – Canterbury Christ Church – and assumed I was from New Zealand. They realised their mistake as soon as they heard my clearly English accent! Following Registration and breakfast on Thursday morning, the first panel I attended focused on the works of Charles Dickens, so the conference couldn’t possibly have got off to a better start as far as I’m concerned. Between them, Joshua Brorby, Matthew Van Winkle and Cayla Eagan treated us to words of wisdom on:

• the mutability of words in Our Mutual Friend • the theme of memory in both Bleak House and Our Mutual Friend • an analysis of the real-life case that inspired The Chimes.

This led to an interesting Q&A session in which we discussed philology, etymology and the standardisation of language, wills and inheritance, the differences between connected, spatial and temporal memory, the value – or power – of literacy in the nineteenth-century, and whether infanticide could possibly be a manifestation of maternal care. After lunch, I chose to attend the panel on Marital Stakes, in which Katherine Anderson, Veronika Larsen and So Park provided valuable insights into:

• evolving perceptions of torture in the nineteenth-century, including domestic torture, both mental and physical, with reference to The Egoist, Daniel Deronda, and He knew he was Right and encompassing cases in India and Jamaica as well as the UK • early stage adaptations of Jane Eyre, and their ‘correcting’ of the novel’s moral deviancies by, for example, elevating Mr Rochester to the peerage, legitimising Adele, and omitting any suggestion of rebelliousness in Jane. • socio-economic restrictions and/or consequences in the nineteenth-century marriage market, as “intricately and delicately” handled by George Gissing in novels such as The Odd Women.

These, as can be imagined, led to a lively debate among panellists and audience.

My Paper

During the short tea-break that followed the second round of panels, I made my way to the Yukon room on the second floor of the hotel in order to connect my laptop to the projector and ensure my PowerPoint presentation would work; all was well!

Ready to go, and the audience begins to arrive.

There were only two of us on Panel 3C: me and Elizabeth Chang, a Professor from the University of Missouri, so we had plenty time for our presentations and a lengthy Q&A session. Elizabeth spoke about travel journals published in the 1880s by John Murray – the same publishing house that worked with the Admiralty earlier in the century to publish the Arctic Narratives that I’m looking at. Elizabeth’s journals related to voyages in China, on the Yang Tse River and the River of Golden Sand. Written by William Gill and Thomas Blakiston, the journals included descriptions of the native Boatmen tugging the boats with ropes, in a very similar way to that in which British seafarers in the Arctic would tug their ships through the ice. Blakiston, however, likened the Boatmen to a team of “dogs”; an analogy underscored by attitudes of white colonial superiority, and one that would never have been applied to their British counterparts. On a more conciliatory note, Elizabeth explained how Archibald Little, an Englishman living in China, had tried to introduce steam ships to the Yang Tse, while his wife – the author Alicia Little – campaigned against the practice of foot-binding.

When it came to my turn to speak, I presented my paper on the ways in which, through their engagement with literature, art and popular culture, the Victorian public gained personal temporal and emotional stakes in the Arctic – as well as the political and financial stakes they held via government and taxation.

Having introduced my audience to the Arctic as the Victorians would have known it – by way of a map from 1879 – I illustrated the circular trajectory of Arctic representations in the nineteenth century with examples from adult and children’s literature ranging from The Rime of the Ancyent Marinere, through Frankenstein, Jane Eyre, a selection of fairy tales and boys-own style stories, articles in the popular press, and the play The Frozen Deep, to Tess of the D’Urbervilles and The Purple Cloud, and demonstrated how these imbued readers with both temporal and emotional stakes in the Arctic. Evidencing the same concepts with reference to the Arctic paintings of Biard, Landseer and Riviére, I concluding with a brief examination of the ways in which remnants recovered from Arctic expeditions were revered as ‘relics’ and collected for public display as well as being reproduced for home entertainment such as Magic Lantern shows, thus substantiating my claims for the Victorian public’s stake in the Arctic. Following this, a range of interesting and pertinent questions were asked of both me and Elizabeth, and we were able to recognise and develop common threads and themes in our papers, as alluded to above.

A Pleasant Evening – and the second day of the conference

That evening, I had dinner in the hotel’s Bistro with the wife of one of the VISAWUS Board members (while he attended the Board Dinner). We were both disappointed with the quality of our food, and received apologies and a bill-waiver, but we had a super time chatting about our very different lives!

On Friday morning, I selected Panel 4C for my attention – it’s always so difficult to choose between concurrent panels at these events, but I chose well on this occasion as Susan Shelangoskie’s account of the Brett brothers prolonged yet ultimately successful enterprise in laying the first transatlantic telegraph cables was compelling; I could see clear similarities between the way John Brett promoted their project anonymously in the press and the way John Barrow promoted Arctic exploration anonymously in the same papers and journals. Robert Steele’s consideration of the role, concept and variations of time and time-keeping in Far from the Madding Crowd, was equally thought-provoking – especially as I had watched (again) the 2015 film version of this novel on the flight across from England – and Katherine Voyles’s thoughts on the ways in which modern reportage draws on nineteenth-century lyrical realism were interesting if appearing a little anachronistic to the conference. After a mid-morning break, I indulged in some Post-Colonial papers with:

• Sumangala Bhattacharya – who connected Gaskell’s Cranford to the twenty-first century US Border crisis via the character of Peter • Beth Hightower – who argued that Dickens funnels his own Oriental racism through the character of Flora Finching in Little Dorrit • Ava Bindas – who focused on ‘epistemologies of space’ and ‘narrative dialects’ that define domestic, gendered and social mobility.

Business A formal Lunch and Business Meeting in the hotel’s Alaska Ballroom followed, providing a good opportunity for delegates to share information, ideas and advice concerning a range of topics relevant to Victorian studies, career development, and transatlantic co-operation. Similar discussions, of course, accompanied the Conference Dinner that evening. The Business Meeting consisted of introducing the Board members, hearing a Finance report and updates on this and future conferences – next year’s will be in Reno – and the presentation of an engraved plate to a lovely lady called Kathleen, whose surname escapes me but who founded VISAWUS with Richard Fulton c.1986.

My most eagerly anticipated Panel Having referenced at least one of her books extensively in my MA dissertation, I was keen to hear what Erika Behrisch Elce had to say on the Journals of Ships’ Surgeons, so, after lunch, I trotted along to Panel 6A on which she was accompanied by Dorice Elliott and Nathan Kapoor. The latter spoke about Geothermal energy in modern New Zealand and linked it very tentatively to the Victorian era by describing it as a form of decolonisation; an innovative alternative to the energy legacies of former colonial powers (I’m not convinced!). Dorice spoke about Australian emigration, and resulting conflicts of identity, as demonstrated in Henry Kingsley’s novel The Recollections of Geoffry Hamlyn. Of primary interest to me in my research, however, was Erika’s account of the journals kept by Ships’ Surgeons – journals that reveal the day-to-day illnesses, ailments and condition of each man on board every ship; a far more revealing and accurate record than the Narratives published by ships’ Officers: or, as Erika put it, “an alternative chronicle that can alter the master narrative.” One case that she focused on concerned Captain Kellet’s ships joining the over-wintering ships of Captain McClure in the Arctic in 1853. McClure was stubbornly refusing to turn back or abandon ship, so Kellet ordered his ship’s surgeon, Domville, to inspect every one of McClure’s crew, including McClure himself, and assess their health. Domville declared almost every crew member “utterly unfit to continue Arctic service”, forcing McClure to turn back against his will. Under questioning, Erika confirmed that ships’ surgeons were usually the healthiest people onboard, despite their exposure to so many sick and diseased individuals suffering from “everything from sunstroke to dyssentry”. She attributes their good health to their habit of “constantly experimenting on themselves” with quinine, different diets and a range of other “common treatments”. She also noted that ships’ surgeons, generally, had “tons of responsibility but no authority”, so Domville’s success in saving McClure and his men was presumably an exception to this rule. Dorice pointed out at this point that surgeons onboard the convict ships sailing to Australia had full authority over the convicts while the Captain maintained authority over the crew.

Colour Theories In the Friday ‘teatime’ session, I chose to attend panel 7C, on which Kristen Feay, Amy Woodson-Boulton and Julie Codell discussed the ways in which the Industrial Revolution destabilised perceptions of colour, leading to George Field’s Chromotography in 1843, Owen Jones’s The Grammar of Ornament in 1852, and Christopher Dresser’s The Art of Decorative Design in 1862. This was a very well co-ordinated panel with a clear connecting thread linking each paper.

Conference Dinner & Keynote Address The highlight of the conference, obviously, was the Keynote Address by Professor Andrea Kaston-Tange, Chair of English and Director of Liberal Arts at Macalester College. Her address was entitled ‘Embedded in Empire: Reading Lucie Duff Gordon’s Egypt’ and it focused on the published letters of the eponymous lady, who lived much of her life in Egypt for health reasons as well as out of a spirit of adventure that was evident in her youth, when she is recorded as having plaited a live snake into her hair. Prof. Kaston-Tange, however, also used her address to question the value of nostalgia, asking how useful it is (or is not) and what good (or harm) it does.

Keynote Speech

A three-course dinner provided ample time to discuss the issues she raised and to enjoy another sociable opportunity to converse with fellow delegates.

Final Day, and Time to Moderate On Saturday morning, I followed my birthday breakfast by attending Panel 8C, in the Kodiak Room on the 15th floor – where all C panels were based; B panels being next door in the Klondike Room and A panels (such as mine) a few floors down in the Yukon Room on Floor 2.

On this two-person panel, Michael Carelse argued convincingly for ‘literary impressionism’ in Thomas Hardy’s The Woodlanders, showing how Hardy was influenced by the paintings of J.M.W. Turner and the French Impressionist painters with regard to the symbolic significance of outward detail, so that this novel, in contrast to his previous one, The Mayor of Casterbridge, omits detail in a way that mimics the representational ethos of Impressionism and anticipates Modernism. Claire Barwise followed this with an exploration of satire in the sensation novels of Mary Elizabeth Braddon – a “phenomenal woman”, Claire said, “who not only wrote more than 80 novels but also founded the Belgravia Magazine and raised 11 children!” Focusing on 2 of those 80 novels, Lady Audley’s Secret and The Doctor’s Wife, Claire invoked Bakhtin’s theory of the carnivalesque to explain their inversion and subversion of social norms.

On Panel 9B, after a break for coffee, David Wayne Thomas, Priti Joshi, and Edward Beasley all focused on different aspects of British Rule in India, and did so in such depth, and with such enthusiasm, that there was no time left for questions at the end of the 90 minutes. David provided handouts to help us follow his exposition of the failure of the Ilbert Bill in 1883, while Priti used PowerPoint slides to show images relating to the 1857 Mutiny and argue for the recurrent identification – or misidentification – of portraits in the Illustrated London News and John Lang’s Wanderings in India, which was serialised in Household Words in 1857 and published in book form the following year. Edward, in his turn, argued for the reputation of Charles Napier; a Liberal Socialist hero of the UK working classes who was nevertheless regarded as a facist oppressor in India. Edward’s biography of this controversial Commander in Chief of the British Army is due out next year and will make fascinating reading, I think.

After lunch, the final panels of the conference took place. I had volunteered to moderate Panel 10B as the topics of the two speakers were both close to my heart: Dickens’s The Pickwick Papers and British Free Public Libraries. On the first of these, Sierra McMillan first demonstrated how the para-text of illustrations and advertisements in the serialised copies of The Pickwick Papers affected the text and the ways in which readers engaged with it, and then discussed ways in which readers could select from a variety of binding options once they had collected a full set of the serialised issues. Richard Fulton then introduced his research into the history of Free Public Libraries in the UK, explaining how the working classes went from initial mistrust of what they saw as middle-class charity to the overwhelming popularity of the libraries as a source of civic pride and a resource used and valued by the working classes in their hundreds of thousands. And that was the end of the conference! I went for a swim in the hotel’s basement fitness centre, ate a salad in my room, and began to pack in preparation for the next stage of my transatlantic adventure:

Victoria, British Columbia, Canada. I arrived in Victoria, via a trip on two buses and a ferry, at 7:30pm on Sunday 10th November and discovered that November 11th is a public holiday for Veterans’ Day. The military parade was long, loud, and very impressive, with representatives from many different branches of the Canadian Forces, including the Mounties in their bright red tunics. Crowds thronged the route of the parade and the 11:00am Ceremony of Remembrance outside the British Legislature Building on Bellevue Street, and the city was full of uniformed personnel for the rest of the day.

I watched the parade and then took a long walk round the coastal path, passing James Bay, Fisherman’s Wharf, Breakwater, and Ogden Point, and emerging into Beacon Hill Park with its exquisitely carved Totem Pole – the tallest in the world at 127 feet & 7 inches – Rose Garden, Ducks, Fountains, Petting Zoo, and Lookout Post, among other attractions. From there, the paths led me to Superior Street and thereby back to Government Street and through the grounds of the Legislature Building to where the morning’s wreaths lay bright yet poignant around the plinth of the war memorial.

World’s tallest Totem Pole

Veterans’ Day Wreaths

From there I explored the shops and historic buildings of the Old Town before returning to my Hostel to spend the evening relaxing with fellow solo travellers from around the world. Tuesday morning found me basking in the history of British Columbia; first in the 3-storey Royal B.C. Museum, founded in 1886, and then in the B.C. Archives, housed in the basement of the same building, which claims to have been “collecting and preserving photographs, documents, maps and historical records since 1894”. Having obtained a Researcher Pass (valid for two years; oh, I do hope I get the chance to use it again!), I was able to indulge in a few hours of research before heading to the Ferry Port to catch my evening Clipper sailing back to Seattle. My research revealed a couple of letters and maps of interest, but the B.C. records are evidently not old enough to contain a great deal pertaining to my current project.

early map pertaining to a possible Northwest Passage

On Wednesday, I had a few hours to explore Seattle’s Pike Place Market and Waterfront before taking the Link Light Railway to the airport and catching my flight home. Altogether a very enjoyable first transatlantic experience, which I very much hope I will not be my last.

Transatlantic Trip – VISAWUS 2019 VISAWUS – aka The Victorian Interdisciplinary Association of the Western United States – embraces scholars of the Victorian era from any academic discipline and any career stage.

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suzenzachariah · 5 years ago

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CBD OIL: A Doctor’s Perspective

Although cannabidiol (CBD) comes from the marijuana plant, it does not contain THC and will therefore not cause you to get high. On the other hand, it could offer users some remarkable health benefits.

All over the Internet people are reading articles and blogs touting the benefits of CBD, a compound extracted from cannabis plants. Online marketers rave about CBD (also called hemp oil) as an effective remedy for any number of ailments. The rich and famous are using it in droves, claiming that it has amazing healing powers. As a result, you can now find CBD Oil Hurst included in the list of ingredients of trendy beauty products as well as dietary supplements. The FDA has even approved a new drug derived from CBD.

Although CBD does come from the cannabis plant, it does not have the psychoactive properties often associated with marijuana. CBD will not cause you to get high, like you would if you smoked or ate something that contained THC, the psychoactive compound in cannabis. Still, many doctors have no idea how CBD affects the body, plus there’s a lot that consumers need to know before they impulsively try it based on a random recommendation.

To gain a better understanding of the effects of using CBD, scientific researchers have been looking into the most common claims being made about CBD.

After running some tests, here’s what these scientists think about how CBD products are being presented to the public, and what they think potential CBD users need to consider before trying it:

To Stop Smoking

CBD oil has been touted as something that can help people stop smoking. There was a small study conducted that Addictive Behaviors published in 2013 that, in fact, does lend credence to this claim.

The subjects of the study were 24 smokers who were given inhalers, some of which had CBD in them while others had a placebo. They were told to use the inhalers for 7 days whenever they felt like they needed a cigarette. The subjects given the inhaler with the placebo did not smoke any less during that week, whereas the subjects given the inhaler with CBD did reduce their smoking by approximately 40%.

These results clearly indicate that CBD can potentially treat nicotine addiction, according to the authors. However, they admit that these are only preliminary findings. Cannabis researcher Ryan Vandrey, PhD, who teaches at Johns Hopkins University as an associate professor in the Psychiatry Department (who did not participate in the referenced study) agrees with others that larger longitudinal studies would be needed to actually determine whether CBD use could help people stop smoking.

To Relieve Pain

Daniel Clauw, MD, who teaches at the University of Michigan in the Anesthesiology Department, thinks CBD could offer substantial help to people suffering from chronic pain. His opinion is based on a clinical trial recently conducted by Zynerba, a pharmaceutical company that Dr. Clauw consults for. Results of the trial showed that a CBD topical medication did relieve the pain of patients with osteoarthritis in their knees.

According to Dr. Clauw, Zynerba is not currently developing that medication for osteoarthritis. At the moment there are no specific recommendations for dosage or CBD formulation for either a topical or oral CBD medication for treating pain. But Dr. Clauw believes that patients suffering from chronic pain should try CBD products because they may offer the relief they’ve been looking for, without providing the high that THC produces.

“We really don’t have very many safe drugs that effectively treat pain. We already know that CBD comes with fewer side effects than you get from taking opioids or non-steroidal anti-inflammatories, which could cause excess bleeding and possibly heart problems,” he said. “If an elderly patient comes to me suffering from arthritis, I would much rather offer a small amount of CBD to relieve their knee pain than prescribe them certain drugs.”

For Skin Care

Dr. Clauw also says that CBD seems to be an effective anti-inflammatory, which is why the skin care industry has touted it as the latest anti-aging ingredient. You can now find CBD in a variety of skin care products and it’s also being widely used in spa treatments.

New York City dermatologist, Francesca Fusco, MD recently said that CBD oil has been shown to be rich in fatty acids and other nutrients vital to skin health. She added that CBD oil may improve hydration by limiting moisture loss. Some studies suggest CBD oil may curb acne growth, although this has not been tested on humans, only on cell cultures in a lab.

For Treating Autism

Parents with children diagnosed on the autism spectrum may turn to CBD as a possible treatment. However, research on this is in its infancy, according to Vandrey.

Research has shown that CBD does interact with the endocannabinoid system in the brain. This network appears to have a role in our circadian rhythms, reward processing and social behaviors, which are often atypical in those with autism. This is why researchers are enthusiastic about a current study being done by the University of California San Diego to determine whether CBD could potentially treat autism.

Aside from the fact that there haven’t been any human trials using CBD to treat autism, there’s one more important reason why parents and potential patients need to carefully consider their options. The CBD industry continues to be unregulated. In many states there is no governing body, no inspections and no laws to ensure that a CBD product’s ingredients are actually consistent with those spelled out on the label.

Vandrey and his researchers have conducted studies showing that there are CBD products out there containing THC in significant amounts, enough to get a child or small adult high while causing other adverse side effects. According to Vandrey, “This is a grey area in terms of legality, so anyone who is considering the use of CBD, in any form, should proceed cautiously.”

For Treating Seizure Disorders

According to Vandrey, “The one thing we have solid evidence on is that CBD can help in the treatment of rare seizure disorders seen in children. Other than that, there’s not enough evidence yet to definitively support using CBD for any other purpose.”

For more information on CBD Oil DFW products, visit

Clinical trials conducted on the drug Epidiolex, which is derived from CBD, show that it can reduce the number of seizures suffered by children diagnosed with two rare types of epilepsy: Dravet syndrome and Lennox-Gastaut syndrome. In fact, the FDA gave Epidiolex the approval to treat these two types of epilepsy. It is the very first prescription drug derived from marijuana to gain FDA approval.

For Combatting Cancer

In 2017 Olivia Newton-John revealed that she was fighting metastatic breast cancer. This is when Chloe Rose Lattanzi, her daughter, announced on Instagram that her mom had been using CBD oil to treat her cancer. Lattanzi added that cannabis, “has been scientifically proven to possess properties that can inhibit the growth of cancer cells.”

It’s possible that Lattanzi was referring to certain studies conducted on animals as well as cell cultures in labs. These studies show that cannabis may bring about anti-cancer effects. However, as yet there have been no studies conducted on humans that can substantiate this, said Vandrey.

“Those anti-cancer effects of cannabis have not been accurately translated, validated or repeated in clinical trials on humans,” said Vandrey. “Taking results from a clinical trial on one species and applying them to another can be misleading. This is especially true when we’re discussing something as serious as a potential treatment for cancer.”

Putting it simply, the medical community by and large cannot recommend using marijuana or various forms of CBD to treat cancer. Although these compounds may relieve some of cancer’s side effects or the side effects of chemotherapy, such as nausea, vomiting and pain, marijuana and/or CBD products should not replace conventional proven treatments for cancer.

To Treat Stress & Anxiety

Actress Busy Philipps has lately revealed that she’s an “enthusiastic advocate” of CBD and THC gummies, both of which she takes to combat frequent panic attacks and anxiety. A variety of “calming” foods and drinks are available for consumers today, like almonds infused with CBD and hemp-oil tea. And if you have a nervous dog, you can even buy CBD dog biscuits.

Off the record, people suffering from anxiety have been turning to cannabis for years, according to Dr. Clauw. Although people assumed that the THC high was what relieved their stress and anxiety, recent studies indicate that CBD may effectively combat anxiety on its own.

Dr. Clauw says, “CBD seems calm the brain, although how it does this is not well understood.” He added, “I tell my patients to first try CBD without the THC, since you may be able to get the all the benefits you need without having the side effects.”

For More information on choosing the correct CBD Oil for you and your family, please call or visit Trail Creek Pharmacy in Bedford, TX. There are unfortunately many brands on the market these days, and this unfortunately is confusing to consumers. The staff at Trail Creek Arlington Pharmacy can direct you to the correct decision when it comes to CBD Oil Products. Visit: www.trailcreekpharmacy.com

#CBD Oil Hurst

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stellaonlineandofflinepurchases · 7 years ago

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Shopping Trip Items to Keep Track of For Both Present and Future Reference-Initiated/Started by 1011 pm Saturday November 4m 2017

Disclaimer/Preface/Please Note: I Stella Carrier must make it clear that I am in process of increasing and improving my knowledge, wisdom, and intuition as with many other people both within the United States and worldwide; Canada, New Zealand, Australia, Africa,Europe, Asia, Latin America etc for both present and future. Therefore I Stella Carrier am still learning towards what information I can use to become a subject matter expert. As a result, I am sharing and keeping this information to be free of telling others what to do yet I Stella Carrier am writing this more in order to write and archive online details for both present and future that I can use towards various writing ideas, present and future investment ideas etc for both present and future in all areas of my life.

Store; Giant Food 3521 East West Highway Hyattsville Maryland near the Prince George’s Plaza metro station and the Prince George’s Plaza mall open until 12 am today Saturday November 4, 2017

I Stella Carroer walked at least a total of approximately 5 miles (2.5 miles each way) from my apartment to Giant Food grocery store and back while my sweet husband waited for me at home. I am saying this not to show off yet more to write and record how my shopping habits are when I am shopping with my husband andor any of my friends compared to when it is just me shopping.

The time that the receipt shows me checking out and scanning the items on the Giant Food self store checkout machine;853 pm sarurday november 4 2017

Stouffer’s Classic Five Cheese Lasagna 96 ounces (6 pounds)

Hormel Slow Simmered Beef Roast AuJus net weight 15 ounces

Toaster Strudel pastries cream cheese and strawberry 23.4 ounces Pillsbury Brand

Tropicana Strawberry Peach juice 59 ounces

International Delight Egg Nog Classic one quart

Giant Brand Whole Milk Vitamin D half gallon

Marzetti Brand Old Fashioned Caramel Dip 16 ounces

Johnsonville Brand Flame Grilled Garlic & Herb Chicken Breast 9 ounces

Kraft Brand Mexican Four Cheese 8 ounces

Kraft Brand Italian Five Cheese 8 ounces

Giant Brand Honeycrisp Apples 48 ounces (3 pounds)

Guerrero Brand 20 fajita flour tortillas

Pure Leaf Brand Extra Sweet Tea 18.5 flowing oz bottle

I have actually already learned the challenging way and now understand the easier way why saving money must be made a higher priority for my situation especially to save at least 6 months or more of my after tax paychecks a year from now or less even before I saw this article tonight. However, I am keeping this link more or less as a gentle reminder.

Money might be able to buy happiness overall — especially when you're saving it

By Business Insider

https://www.yahoo.com/finance/m/1aca9567-7f42-3862-86d7-86b2286df004/ss_money-might-be-able-to-buy.html

Money might be able to buy happiness overall — especially when you're saving it

By Liz Weston Nerdwallet

http://www.businessinsider.com/money-might-be-able-to-buy-happiness-especially-if-youre-saving-it-2017-11

affirmation; I Stella Carrier become wiser, more creative, and more interesting each day in all areas of my life both present and future.

By November 2018 or sooner

https://www.merrilledge.com/offers/retirement?cm_mmc=gwm-selfdirectedbrokerage-_-ttd-_-728x90_600%20401k_bigpicture.html-_-2017_merrill_edge_baseline_display

I feel blessed to have come across and now know about this article as there is information to suggest that script doctor Eric Pearson’s persistence paid off. It is clear that he has a passion for writing and he successfully created his own door of opportunity. I hope he enjoys more career success for years to come. I know that Polowy is only coming from a good place when writing and publicly sharing this story. However, the only caveat to this story is that there are details to suggest that Polowy was at first considering giving up living in California all together until one of his scripts paid off. I am glad that he prevailed to great success. However, I do believe that it is possible to still live in whatever place (U.S. state) you prefer regardless of how your career dreams materialize and that sometimes a closed door can become an open door andor an even better pathway to a more lucrative door in the present and future when a person has intent to stay residing in a particular area regardless of how long it takes to achieve their career andor money goals. This is especially if a person has the option of being able to freely choose whatever U.S. state they prefer to reside in for the rest of their current lifetime. I admit that I may be partial in saying this as I am blessed to have been born an American female who has the option of freely choosing whatever U.S. state I prefer to reside in for the rest of my current lifetime (especially since I am blessed with a husband who is supportive of wherever I choose to reside long term for the rest of my current lifetime). However, I feel that there are many other adults who can freely choose wherever they reside within the United States for the rest of their current lifetimes. It is just a matter of being open to follow where you prefer to reside regardless of how you may be publicly judged for your personal reference.

How 'Thor: Ragnarok' screenwriter (and former pizza guy) Eric Pearson became Marvel's go-to script doctor

By Kevin Polowy

https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/thor-ragnarok-screenwriter-former-pizza-guy-eric-pearson-became-marvels-go-script-doctor-001743890.html

Bob’s Discount Furniture link

https://www.mybobs.com/riley-10-piece-king-comforter-set?utm_source=criteo&utm_medium=display&utm_campaign=retargeting&ctocode=979373361-72470

Interior Design; Chandeliers of the 2017 DC House by Virginia Coyne

http://washingtonlife.com/2017/10/27/chandeliers-of-dc-design-house/

Virginia Beach Virginia link Virginia Vibe

http://thedailylifevb.visitvirginiabeach.com/post/virginia-beachs-vibe-colorful-creative-inspired?utm_campaign=fy18-vblt-lifestyles&utm_source=trade-desk&utm_content=fy18_198&utm_medium=media

Café Stella

Cafe Stella to Open New Location on Granby Street by The Main

April 18, 2017 By Jesse Scaccia

http://altdaily.com/cafe-stella-to-open-new-location-on-granby-street-by-the-main/

Condolences to the friends and family member of the US service member who died Saturday as referenced by this article. Additionally, may the soul/spirit of that service member rest in peace and be in a happier place. US service member killed during operations in Afghanistan

By Luis Martinez and Morgan Winsor of Good Morning America

https://www.yahoo.com/gma/us-member-killed-during-operations-afghanistan-185205323--abc-news-topstories.html

5 STEPS TO DEEPENING YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SPIRIT GUIDES

By James Van Praagh

http://www.vanpraagh.com/5-steps-to-deepening-your-relationship-with-your-spirit-guides/

Songs for me to keep in mind from an iheartradio playlist from today in shuffle mode: I Can’t Stay Away by the Veronicas,Hall of Fame by Script feat. William of the Black Eyed Peas, Saturday I Like To Move It by Basshunter, Out Of My League by Fitz and the Tantrums, I Am The Bullgod by Kid Rock, Freekn You by Jodeci, Lucky by Jason Mraz feat. Colbie Caillat,Dance Hall Days by Wang Chung, Bubbly by Colbie Caillat, Loveshack by the B-52’s, The Walker by Fitz and the Tantrums, A Horse With No Name by America, You Might Think by the Cars, Only In My Sleep by the Corrs, Addicted to Love by Robert Palmer, Best Day of My Life by American Authors Wonderland by Natalia Kills, The Middle by Jimmy Eat World, Dance For You by Beyonce,Electric Head Part 1 by White Zombie, Cake by the Ocean by DNCE, Trip Switch by Nothing But Thieves, Mesmerized by Amethystium, Caught Up In You by 38 Special, Boys and Girls by Blur,Broken Wings by Mr. Mister, I Feel You by Depeche Mode, I Would Like by Zara Larsson feat. Gorgon City, Rock You Like a Hurricane by Scorpions, Magic by B.o.B feat. Rivers Cuomo, Possum Kingdom by the Toadies, Come Undone by Duran Duran, So Alive by Love and Rockets Touch Me by Armin Van Buuren; Unique Category;I Love A Rainy Night by Eddie Rabbitt (my sweetie handsome was spontaneously singing it earlier Sources I prefer to keep secret; You’re The Best Thing by the Style Council, Freekn you by Jodeci, Feenin You by Jodeci,World In My Eyes by Depeche Mode, Roam by the B-52’s, Rabbit Heart Raise It Up by Florence and the Machine, It’s Not Unusual by Tom Jones

rity71 \2�Z�H

Wednesday November 22, 2017

Seltzer’s Sweet Lebanon Bologna 12 ounces

Lunch Mate Hard Salami 8 ounces

Giorgio Brand Sliced Mushrooms Fresh n Clean 8 ounces

High Pulp Nature’s Nectar Orange Juice 59 fl ounces

Specialty Selected Lattice Cut Aged Cheddar and Black Pepper Kettle Chips net wt 7 ounces

Little Salad Bar Classic Guacamole 2 qty 8 ounce pouches

Parkview Cheddar Brats 14 ounces

Jamestown Brand Sliced Bacon net wt 16 ounces

Bake House brand Crescent Rolls 8 Ready to Bake Rolls 8 ounces

Season’s Choice Broccoli Bake Broccoli in a Creamy Cheese Sauce 24 ounces

Tasteful Selection Simply Amazing Potatoes 24 ounces

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thedeliberatewanderer-blog · 8 years ago

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BEING A WOMAN IS FUCKING HARD

Today I want to talk about something that’s been profoundly affecting my visit since I’ve been here. I encountered it from around day 2 or 3, maybe since day one with out knowing it.

The first time it happened, I didn’t really register the situation for what it was, but it certainly left me frustrated and disgruntled until I realized why. The second day I was here, Mohanad took me to Yarmouk University to register for my classes, but first I had to meet with the director of the language program. Aside from the usual condescending tone I typically experience from people in academia, he mocked my small attempts at my broken Arabic - mostly because I had been taught in the Lebanese dialect, which varies in certain, and sometimes drastic, ways from the Jordanian dialect. That was fine, I guess, I normally deal with that from my family and just graduated from a five year experience at a university, but I was unsettled about what happened next. Mohanad briefly left the room to tend to something. The director was across the room, behind his desk, and I was sitting in a chair with its back against the opposite wall. He had a piece of paper in his hand that had course descriptions for their Arabic Institute. First he asked me if I could read, and I said yes - my ability to read Arabic and understand it was and still is phenomenally better than my ability to speak it and understand it when it is spoken. Despite this, he got up from his chair, came over to where I was sitting, and stood less than a foot away from me - with his crotch in my face. He began reading the paper and pointing to each word as he read it. Not only had I already told him I could read it and understand it, but after he read it, I definitely knew that I could’ve without his help, and even if not, there was really no reason for him to not read it from where he was sitting behind his chair. Also, tf, why did he come at me only after Mohanad left the room?

I left that room disconcerted. I was perturbed by it for two weeks and couldn’t shake the hate. But then I suddenly realized: Oh my God. I experienced blatant sexism.

And I feel that literally everyday. I’m told it’s not impolite to stare in this culture, but I constantly notice more eyes on me than when other women grace the streets. I stick out like a sore thumb with my blonde hair and blue eyes, so if I go outside I’m guaranteed to be cat called at least once and piss off some people because some asshole clogs up traffic, slowing his car to get a better look at me. My taxi rides are uncomfortable more often than not. 3/4 of them propose to me, just think they have a right to my attention, and demand - not ask, demand - for my number and address. One time it was so bad that I just got out of my taxi in the middle of a busy intersection. I am now accustomed to saying “I don’t want to talk” when the men get too pushy. Sometimes I have to double back on my walk home because some creep is following me. On some days it keeps me from going outside because I just don’t have the energy to deal with it.

My experiences with male English instructors at the Academy aren’t much better. I’m a native English speaker and therefore find the language intuitive and understood more by context than grammatical rules. When one of them asks if I know something or other about English, and I say no, they take it upon themselves to start lecturing. Like, o wow, thanks, I’m so much richer for this useless knowledge you have bestowed upon me. Like, no thanks. I did not ask for an explanation. I do not need to be intellectually coddled.

But my experience at the Academy yesterday was particularly insulting on a variety of levels. After my first class (which went semi-well, I will elaborate in another blog post), I sat down with the director, his friend, and had some tea. He asked me about my focus in anthropology as an undergrad. I told him about my pursuits advocating for Muslim American rights, interning at an NGO, my thesis, etc, etc. So, of course, I told him in particular I was interested in Muslim American hijabi female identity, and we began having a discussion about that. I told him that, rather than the typical American stereotype of the hijab being inherently oppressive, I generally found the opposite to be true. Most Muslim American hijabis feel immensely empowered by covering, and I had and have not met one that does not wear a hijab out of her own volition. In fact, in some instances their parents tried to dissuade them from wearing it, because they were worried about the potential discrimination they might face. Since American society reduces a woman’s value to her looks and equates female liberation with bearing more skin, in some ways covering is a consciously defiant choice against American patriarchal standards. By preventing people from reducing them to objects in this way, they take power back into their own hands.

Before I go on, let me just preface this by saying that, here, I have too often been assumed to be pro-Trump, anti-Islam, etc. Only on a handful of occasions have political subjects have been a topic of discussion. But, unfailingly, every time, the other party either starts off with discrediting something Trump has said or denying x, y, or z stereotype many Americans have against Muslims, Syrian refugees, etc - both of which immediately let me know what they think I think. I have also by and large been assumed to be Christian. Seldom is there a conversation about Islam in which there are not efforts made to compare or compliment it with Christianity or Biblical references.

What I thought was supposed to be an attempt to alleviate the aforementioned presumptions from influencing the conversation was still perceived by the director as an attack on his Islamic beliefs and interpretations, but for much different reasons than I anticipated or even realized until some time after. He replied first by insisting that Christian women wear the hijab in church, and that American women used to cover their hair, arms, and legs in the 40s. I told him that the former is definitely not so, unless referencing nuns, but they are a pretty stark minority of Christian women. I know there are still some sects of Christianity and non-Muslim cultures where women cover, but, again. Very stark minority. Nonetheless, he took my mention of nuns me conceding to his perception that most Christian women cover in church (I don’t know if he actually knew what nuns were, then? Or Roman Catholicism?). I also tried to inform him that, yes, American women historically dressed more modestly and covered their arms and legs, but hijabs were never, like, a thing in America, lol. He kept insisting that it was, that in the 40s they wore “pieces on top of their heads” and I was like hats? Those were fashion statements worn randomly, not attempts at modesty. But still, there he was, smirking and nodding and apparently tuning out after I said the word “hats.”

I tried again from the historical angle he brought up. In America, women wore less clothes the more social freedoms they had. That’s why there’s a cultural conception that links bearing skin with freedom, and a cultural bias saying women are liberated and empowered this way. But we’re also not allowed to be sexual, so we’re basically expected to be empowered by nakedness under the condition that it’s sexualized and controlled by men. But that’s why the hijabi women I’ve met felt empowered by doing otherwise. They have control over their sexuality, it’s their choice, and I think that perspective is unique and pretty cool.

His retort was something like, well do they say that’s the only reason they cover? And I was like, well no, of course not. There’s parents, cultural pressures and expectations, etc. But I would say, for the majority that I’ve met, yes. And that’s not to say people who don’t cover are more wrong or right. American women in general have some authority and control over their sexuality, including hijabis.

“What about whores?” His tone was clearly insinuating disgust.

We were both disgusted at that point. I got pretty blatant after that. I said something like:

Terms like whore and slut are considered sexist where I’m from. There’s nothing about a woman that says she’s more or less worthy because of what she wears or how many people she does or doesn’t sleep with. Even if she has one partner for her whole life or twenty in a week (at this point he shook his head, stuck his tongue out, and closed his eyes in a clearly disgusted face), she’s allowed that without shame because it’s her body.

Then he asked, “what about Christian women who convert to Islam that cover?”

“What?”

“What about Christian women who convert to Islam and wear the hijab?”

“I don’t understand why you’re asking that right now,”

“What. About. Christian. Women. Who. Convert. And. Choose. To. Wear. The. Hijab. What does that say about the hijab and Islam?”

“That she’s read the scripture and decided covering feels right in her heart.”

He looked annoyed at that point and kept asking me if I knew this famous person or that famous person that were Christians that converted to Islam. As politely as I could, I just said, “no. I’m not a religious person. I don’t spend my time looking into stuff like that.” He showed me another. And another. It took me a few times of repeating what I had said for him to understand that a few Christian people converting to Islam is meaningless to me. Or, at least didn’t mean what he had expected it to mean to me.

The conversation kind of ended with me saying the reasons I love anthropology so much and am grateful that it was my major. It taught me that you can’t quantify the human experience, that people aren’t numbers, blanket statements are never applicable to everyone, and human life and culture is complicated and conflicted. It leaves room for nuance, and it acknowledges relativity in cultural beliefs. He waved me off, looking for another video. I nonetheless looked at it patiently, nodding and acknowledging it before giving it back, and again reiterating my stance on my personal beliefs.

When I eventually and finally got it in his head that there’s nothing for me to convert from he did get quiet and stopped being patronizing and argumentative, though (which means one of his goals wasn’t purely to attract me to Islam, but merely to say it is superior to Christianity). I guess no religion is better than being a Christian? Either way, I think in the end he understood that I acknowledge and respect religious perspectives regardless of which one, but that doesn’t mean I ascribe myself to one or think one is more valid than another. His presumptions didn’t allow him to prepare for an anomaly, though, so I don’t think he had much of a choice but to stay silent at the end.

People convert from Islam to Christianity all the time, too. Or, I don’t know, to Buddhism to Paganism. It doesn’t mean that one religion is inherently better or more correct than another because of that conversion, as he was clearly trying to get me to conclude. Which, when you think about it, is pretty sinister. If he assumed me to be Christian, then his goal was to get me, as a perceived Christian, to invalidate my beliefs or say Islam is a better faith.

I realized the next day (today lol) talking to Nada, though, why my initial comments insulted him in the first place when I completely meant the opposite. The idea of a woman being in control of her sexuality and how she expresses it was inconceivable to him. When I said, “because SHE feels it is right in her heart,” the answer wasn’t satisfactory enough for him. He went tight-lipped and halfway rolled his eyes. And when he said, “is that the ONLY reason they say they wear the hijab?” when I expressed Muslim American women’s common feelings of empowerment from covering, he said it dismissively, waving his hand, talking over me, like he was searching for the answer he wanted to hear (Islam is better/women are meant to be covered) and didn’t care about a woman’s say in covering or not even though it’s her body.

Because he didn’t. To him, women cover because they are not allowed to be anything but modest. They are not allowed to be sexually expressive regardless of how they feel about, because men here expect it. Individual female empowerment doesn’t matter. Their agency is irrelevant. If she expresses any semblance of the power choice, she is devalued and dehumanized, likened to a "whore." What was intended to be a way to show respect for Islamic practices unintentionally came across as a threat to his male privilege. And I'm okay with that. 💁🏼

To some extent, Muslim American women do have the luxury of choice. Their agency is integral to whether or not they wear the hijab in most instances. Not to say they don’t get shit for wearing it or don’t experience sexism, racism, and oppression in other ways. They certainly do. But in a greater respect than what I’m observing in Jordan, their say matters, and wearing the hijab can, indeed, be a source of empowerment. But I can’t for sure say the same thing about women here. Many of them tell me that they choose to wear it. And, granted, a small number of women here do not. But do they really choose to wear it when it’s the norm and what’s expected of you from your family and peers? When men scoff at the idea of them having a voice or choice in the matter? Is there any sense of empowerment when there’s no rebellion in showing less skin rather than more since less is already the standard? Does the questioning of a woman’s character if she doesn’t sway her opinion? Is it really, fully, and completely her choice in that instance?

Also, Nada told me that, last summer when she still covered, she was still hounded in the streets of Jordan. Even though she did as what was told would make her a respectable woman, she was still not respected. She was still objectified. There is no rest for women even if they’re compliant with Islam. If men staring is a norm in Jordan, then I guess the Islamic tenant of "lower your gaze" doesn't mean shit, either. Therefore, rather than the issue being a question of Islam, it's an issue of a patriarchal culture. The director had confused his sexism with his religiosity.

And, you know, I really fucking hated the idea of writing this. Because I’m essentially throwing Orientalists and anti-Muslim people a bone for their racism. And it makes it sound like Jordan is a terrible place and that all its men are sexist assholes. Let it be known that Fareed and Mohanad are nice, lol. And that I have enjoyed and treasured my time here in a lot of ways. And of course I think of the American way as better. I’m a God damn American. Ethnocentrism is a thing. But even so it doesn't make my experience okay. I have never experienced sexism like that. Never have I felt so devalued in a place because of my sex. I know sexism is a problem in America, too, both at the individual and institutional level (a “clash of patriarchies” as some scholars have argued). There is no question about that. But it is still not fashionable to be sexist in America. You do not want to be called sexist in America. That doesn’t make it go away, though. It just makes it more covert. But here, it’s so overt that it’s right up in your face, shoved down your throat, and pulled out your ass. Either way, whether covert or overt, it's not okay, and the experience was deeply insulting to me and women everywhere.

I’ve been reading some blogs about other white women’s experience in the Middle East, and a handful said the visit made them question their values. I’m very grateful for my education in anthropology, because no doubt, otherwise I would probably be doing the same.

Last thing, the director has a PhD in linguistics, a subfield in anthropology, like tf???! How does he not know this shit????

Kbye:) ~ NewKat

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