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florencebirdsong · 4 days ago

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Healing Hands

Agatha Harkness x Reader

Healer AU - Chapter 2/3

Summary: you can’t seem to get the same feeling Agatha gave you

Tags: naive reader, fingering, good girl, praise kink, dubious consent, brief orgasm denial, manipulative agatha, corruption kink, medical play(?)

no pronouns used for R, wearing non-descriptive dress

masterlist | ao3

Authors note: here is some more manipulative agatha goodness for you i hope you enjoy <3

Chapter One

You’re back at Healer Harkness’ place much sooner than you were hoping. Which was somewhere between the next day and never.

You had attempted to treat yourself, multiple times. But no matter how good it had felt you hadn’t been able to…finish it like Healer Harkness had. You had hoped that it wasn’t necessary, that it’s only effect was making the gel more potent. Not that it was the key ingredient. But the feeling inside of you, which had been so minorly tempered after your trip to Agatha’s, grew exponentially every time you tried to treat it yourself.

It has only been embarrassment at your inability to do what she said and how the feeling grew every time you thought of her that kept you away for so long. But it’s become unbearable. The few moments you’re able to not think about it have become rare and only the smallest thing flings your thoughts back towards Agatha and her hut.

So, you force yourself back down the long path before anyone notices how unwell you are.

Knocking on her door a second time is easier but waiting for her to answer is so much harder. The heat inside of you banks a little at the thought of her not being home but longing flares. It’s the same agony that’s been haunting you since you left.

The door opens and the look on Agatha’s face changes the moment she sees you.

“Back again?” she asks as she opens the door wider and allows you inside. You duck your head as you nod. She doesn’t sound disappointed, exactly, but she doesn’t sound surprised either. “Healing or ingredients?” she asks just like the first time.

“The um- the same thing as before,” you say.

“Oh, yes,” her eyes run down your body. “Your little problem.”

“It’s not so little anymore,”you try not to squirm.

“The treatment isn’t working?”

“I’m not sure,” you wrap your arms around yourself. It still feels so strange to be talking about this with another, even though she is your healer. “You said I had to do the thing. And I wasn’t able to on my own.”

“The thing?” she asks imperiously. “Do I need to remind you of what I said last time?��

“I don’t know what it’s called,” you admit quietly.

“Of course not,” Agatha snorts to herself. “You came, dear.” At your still vaguely confused look she continues. “Orgasmed. Climaxed. Creamed. There’s a few words and many euphemisms but the proper term is come, which is what you will use when referring to your treatment.”

You swallow nervously before making yourself speak again.

“You weren’t there to- I mean I wasn’t able to- to come,” you stutter.

It’s easier to say than the other word since you haven’t heard it before Agatha but it still feels dirty, despite it being the proper term. Agatha sighs.

“It’s understandable given your experience but it does complicate things.”

“But- you can do it, right?” you rush out. “I mean you did last time, so I thought…” you trail off, abashed at your aggressive start. “I don’t want to feel this way forever and it truly keeps getting worse.”

You’ve had to fight the horrible impulse to leave whatever social gathering you’ve attended to lock yourself in your room and do as Agatha said. It’s made doing much of anything most difficult.

“Yes, I can. But do you remember how often I said it needed to be done?” she doesn’t give you a chance to answer. “I’m very busy, dear. I can’t drop everything to fuck you.”

You squirm as she says that word from last time.

“Maybe if you show me again I might be able to do so on my own this time?”

“Doubtful. There is a slightly different method we will try instead. It will mean that you may go longer between doses but they aren’t as effective. We’ll need to increase the amount, and then again for how long it’s been since you’ve properly started your treatment.”

“Anything,” to not be so consumed by the thought of her.

“Very well” one corner of her mouth tilts up into what you think is the hint of a smile as she completely clears off her workbench.

“Why didn’t you show me this the first time if I can go longer between doses?” you ask while she does.

“Because it must be done with two people.”

“But last time-I mean,” you stumble. Her resulting smile doesn’t help.

“I was showing you what to do at home,” she reminds you.

“Oh, right,” embarrassment floods you again.

“Does that mean I’ll need to come to you for each dose?” A strange twist of hope and anxiety curls around your lungs.

“Yes,” she says. “It is dire enough now that we can’t risk missing any while you struggle to make yourself come. Now, bend over.” She gestures at the workbench.

“Bend…over?”

She only allows you a moment of confusion before her hands grab your hips and position you in front of the bench. You don’t get out much more than a squeak before a hand between your shoulder blades is pushing you down. You don’t fight her as she bends you over. She lifts the skirts of your dress up over your hips. You don’t stop her. She’s a healer. She knows the persisting wetness is a symptom of what’s been plaguing you.

Her cold hands skim over your thighs and that ache deep inside of you returns. The memory of her fingers inside of you has you squirming. You want to feel it again and you don’t know if you’re allowed to. Want can be so dangerous.

“Symptoms?” she asks as she spreads your legs wider apart.

“The same as before but-,” her fingers run through your wetness and you gasp. When she doesn’t say anything, languidly stroking you instead, you continue, “But stronger. A lot stronger. And it gets worse with every day.”

“I suspect it’s because you haven’t been coming when you apply the gel,” her finger dips into your entrance and your hips twitch when she pulls away. “You should’ve come back sooner.”

“I’m sorry,” you whimper.

Instead of the reprimand you’re expecting or the slightly detached voice she’s been using, she gently rests a hand on your back.

“It’s alright, dear. You’re young and naive. There’s still time to fix it. Don’t worry, we’ll get it sorted in a jiffy,” she says and slides two fingers inside of you.

Trying to treat yourself so many times has made the feeling almost familiar now but being filled by Agatha makes it so much more and you don’t think it’s only from the new position. Although, the new angle does change the feeling. You aren’t sure which is more thrilling.

Agatha hums lowly.

“So wet,” she says, voice husky.

“Is- is that a bad thing?” you say, squirming as her fingers push into you again.

“I told you it was good [?],” she reminds you. “Now be still, dear.”

Her hand moves from your back to your hip and gives a reassuring squeeze. You force yourself to still but immediately fail when her fingers spread apart still inside of you.

Gasping, you press back onto her fingers, grabbing the edge of the desk to try and ground yourself.

“Um- Healer Harkness?” you ask, voice higher than usual.

“Yes?” she asks, sounding very much like she isn’t listening.

“The gel. You haven’t used any yet.”

There’s a long pause as her fingers continue to languidly pump in and out of you.

“Ah, yes. Of course,” the abrupt departure of her fingers is makes you whimper. “Merely checking your symptoms without its effect.”

“Okay,” you say, only thinking about her fingers to being back inside of you.

The sound of the jar opening has you spreading your legs further apart without consciously thinking about it. Your hips jump again at the cool gel.

“Be good for me,” Agatha says and you try your best to. Her fingers slip so easily inside of you and you whimper when she curls them.

“There we go. Nice and deep.”

It’s not a question so you don’t bother trying to struggle with making words. You happily sink into the feel of her- her fucking you. You moan the next time she curls her fingers and your own dig into the desk. It isn’t enough. The building pleasure has stopped. Something’s missing but you aren’t sure what.

“Oh!”

Her finger circles your clit and you try to jerk upwards. Her other hand threads through your hair and pushes you back down.

“You need to come, dear.”

“I’m trying,” you whine.

“You aren’t if you’re trying to get away from me.”

“I wasn’t- “ is all you can get out before she presses down on your clit and the huge wave crashes inside of you. The hand in your hair moves back to your hip to keep you still as your arch under her. She fucks you through it like last time and you expect her to stop when you finally go limp. She doesn’t. Her pace slows slightly but otherwise nothing changes. Her other hand grips your hip tighter as you begin to squirm. The pleasure building much faster than before.

“Hea- “ is all you get out before her finger swipes over your clit again and turns it into a broken moan.

“You need to catch up on your treatment. We’ll have to go again, dear.”

You moan. It feels too good to be embarrassed by how much you want her to keep going. The awful empty feeling of the last few weeks is gone. Replaced by spine-tingling pleasure. Why would you ever want to treat yourself when she makes it feel this good?

“There we go,” Agatha murmurs as you fully give in to her. “Such a good girl.”

Your toes curl. You want her to say it again. She only said it the once last time but surely if you behave better than you did then, if you accept everything she gives you, she’ll call you it again.

Her fingers curl every time she bottoms out inside of you and you’re a moaning mess. You don’t try to hide the sounds. You don’t care anymore. You just don’t want her to stop.

You’re suddenly empty.

“No!” you gasp, desperately humping the hair.

“We need more gel,” Agatha says and runs her hand down your side like it’s meant to be soothing. The only thing you feel is the ache of wanting it inside of you.

“Please,” you whimper.

“Hush,” she says.

You can’t hear anything else over your heart beating in your ears. You resist the urge to beg again. She told you to be quiet so you will be. Even if the ache inside of you feels like it’s going to kill you.

One hand returns to your hip and you eagerly push them back towards her. She gently spreads the gel around your dripping lips and you make a pathetic noise as you try and get her inside of you. She laughs quietly and nudges your clit so you make another.

“Please.“

This time she pushes three fingers inside of you and you can’t help the guttural moan that bursts out of you. Her movements are harsher than before. Her fingers slam into you with a force you haven’t felt before and her other hand is gripping you so tight her nails are digging in. It feels amazing. Your skin stings as her nails release you. She finds your clit within a second and you see stars.

You come hard enough to arch off the table. You swear you hear Agatha moan behind you as you squeeze so tightly around her.

She works you through slower this time, and her hands are gently by the time electricity stops zinging through your body.

“Very good, dear,” she says and it feels almost as nice as when she calls you a good girl.

Her hands stay on the the same as last time and it takes you a little longer to fully come back to yourself. Eventually, you push yourself back up. You wobble a little as you feel how wet you are down there. But Agatha hasn’t said anything so you’re sure you’re fine.

Turning to her, you’re greeted with the same blown pupils from last time.

“You’ll need to come back tomorrow,” she says.

“That soon?” you ask like you aren’t jumping for joy inside.

It feels wrong to want it so badly. Agatha is only healing you. Yet you can’t stop the want from growing.

“Yes. Like I’ve said. We have a lot of catch up to do.”

You nod your head obediently and go to the door. You hesitate at the threshold, biting your lip.

“How many times?” you force out.

Many, you beg her to say. The idea of never experiencing this again is too awful not to be comforted by memories of it.

Her smile is sharp. “However many it takes.”

#birdsong writes #healer au #dub/con cw #agatha all along #agatha harkness #agatha h.#agatha harkness x reader #agatha harkness x you #agatha x reader #agatha x you #x reader #reader instert #agatha fanfiction #agatha harkness fanfiction #agatha fanfic #agatha harkness fanfic

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aeonstale · 9 days ago

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ㅤㅤㅤ ㅤHARSH WINTER , WARM CAPTAIN.

pairings; capitano x reader ⸝⸝ romantic

content warnings; spoiler for 5.3 aq ✘ tiny mention of gore ✘ down bad capitano ✘ major character death ✘ angst ✘ mention of capitano's real name ✘ no beta we die like teppei lmao ✘ 691 wc.

syn. right person, wrong time.

They say the first of the harbinger is a cruel man. A heartless being who teared the hearts of his enemies in cold blood.

The Captain has many names, many of which are insults. Yet, you never fail to call him honey-sweet terms. Maybe that was what caused the great Capitano to fall deeply in love with you; the honesty in your eyes, the smile you always gave unconditionally.

Your will to be yourself.

If Capitano was the harsh winter of Snezhnaya—the shiver running down one’s spine or the storm that people fear, then you would’ve been the gentle fireplace where everyone gathered to warm themselves. But also the peace who calmed the storm.

Within your presence, Capitano’s frozen heart began to melt. Showing a golden man who carries too many burdens. His heart bears the burden of others; he carries the will of others with him—the will of the fallen. A responsibility heavy for mind, but Capitano continued to shoulder it. His heart who cared for his peers—for his soldiers.

Capitano is one of many things—a soldier, a warrior, a leader and a harbinger.

But in your arms, adorned by the moonlight as the witness to your love. In your arms, where his past no longer haunted him. In your arms, he discarded his title as The Captain/Capitano and becomes his true self.

He asked you to call out his name—his true name, the one he used centuries ago. With your soft voice lulling him to sleep, with your fingers playing with his hair, braiding it here while detangling it there.

In your arms, Capitano—the first of the harbinger was no more.

In your arms, he could forget himself.

In your arms, he felt loved.

And in his arms, you felt safe.

He was as much of a pillar to you as you were to him. With Capitano, you never feared that the freezing winds of the north would extinguish your flame. He was like an unshakeable wall, for he defended you from any harm that may come. Capitano loves you.

He showed it in many ways; from brewing your favourite drink for you to enjoy while reading beside him, to lending you his larger coat whenever the winter is too cold for you to bear. When Capitano loved, he puts his whole heart.

For him, to love is to give it all.

For Capitano, to love you is a duty he shall never fail. A beautiful soul like yours is rare to come by, but when it does one should care for it so as to never betray the trust it gave.

Yet somehow, despite the rocky start the relationship had—you always stayed beside him. Even when he hurt you with cruel words, or when he ignored you in times you needed his attention the most. Capitano was the definition of a scum, but you never left. Stubborn as you were—and still are, his side was never left empty thanks to you.

He didn’t know whether to be grateful or not. Does this sinner of a man truly deserve an angel like yourself? He wondered.

However, you proved his worth every time. You accepted him whole from the moment you caught a glimpse of his vulnerable self. You had fallen first but he had fallen harder.

″ To my dearest, I am not one for words, but I will try. For you. Every morning I wake, I thank the archons for blessing me with your presence. Every time my eyes lay on you, I find myself mesmerized. My dearest, Thank you. For being with me for so long, for staying and for loving me. I’m sorry. I will not be able to return your embrace no more. I’m sorry. Even in death and never ending slumber, know I will continue to love you. My heart is forever yours. From yours truly, Thrain. ″

As tear stains merged—both from yours and his, you hug the letter tight against you. Once more, just like that night—you cry out his name. Sobs and wail. Similarly as he had given you his heart, you buried yours along with him.

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sokkadora · 1 year ago

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see you again — mizu x reader

inspired by: see you again; tyler, the creator

summary: can i get a kiss? and can you make it last forever?

a/n: this came to me in a dream and made me wake up in a cold sweat /j

wc: 2.6k

tags/warning(s): allusions to period typical homophobia, angst, afab reader, fluff, arranged marriage, near death

from the river to the sea, palestine will be free 🇵🇸

︿︿︿︿︿︿ ✎ᝰ . . . .

You and Mizu had always been close. You would frequently visit your grandfather out in the thick woods behind Kohama, of whom Mizu was an apprentice of. Your grandfather was grateful of you coming around to give Mizu another outlet, a real friend her age to speak to instead of trailing behind him all day and night.

Mizu was quickly drawn to you the day you first showed up as a small child, but was worried about how you would react to her most potent feature. The first few visits you had that she was there for, she ended up curiously watching you from afar as you would talk to Eiji about your newest skill your mother had taught to you, or watching you play outside in the forest.

The first time you had seen Mizu’s eyes, you were enthralled by them. Of course, you had heard of the onryō haunting Kohama, but you expected them to be taller, have sharp and frightening features. But Mizu was shy and gentle with you, silently greeting you with a small flower every time you came to visit as you started to grow closer. You bonded over your shared want to master a weapon that seemed so far out of reach, you with your bow and Mizu’s sword.

You were her closest friend, the first person beside her mother to know she was a woman. You were never scared or deterred from her or her slowly hardening demeanor, or her sharp blue eyes. She could pinpoint the exact moment she had begun to fall for you; after quietly sharing the fate of her mother on the one day that the bad men had come to take her out of this world.

You were nothing but kind with her, an arm resting on her shoulders as your hand gently carded through her hair that you had helped her tie up so many times. When she turned her head to look at you through nervous eyes and she saw nothing but fondness and warmth, she knew you had her wrapped around your finger.

Your visits started to become more infrequent as your father began preparing you for your duties as a wife in the near future, and Mizu found herself distracting herself from your absence by throwing herself into her sword and fighting techniques. But in the moments before bed, she would lay on her back and stare longingly at the ceiling, wondering what would happen if you and her were to just run off together and start your own life together. But what she yearned for to be possible hurt her, because she knew it could never be. The relationship she so desperately craved to have with you was forbidden; it could get the two of you killed.

So her mind became consumed with her quest for revenge. Her sword was forged from the meteorite she and the swordfather found, and she was marching her way to say goodbye to you. The rain that poured on the day of her departure set the tone for how well the attempt at a goodbye would go. With how stubborn you were when it came to Mizu’s safety, she knew it wasn’t going to be easy.

She stealthily climbed up the tree beside your home, crawling in through a window on the second story floor before quietly in front of your door. Now, she’d never been to your home, but you’d described it to her enough for her to be able to get her bearings. She patted off the front of haori nervously before raising her hand and knocking on your door softly.

She could hear you shuffling around before arriving at the door, opening it and smiling widely at the sight of your friend. She allowed herself to curl her lips into a small smile as you pulled her into your room, the smell of your lavender incense and smoke from the candle crawled it’s way into her nostrils while you shut the door behind the two of you.

While Mizu was glancing around your room for the first time, you smiled before clearing your throat to catch her attention. She turned her head to look over her shoulder at you, her smile dropping at the reminder of what she was here to do. She decided to rip the bandaid off, not bothering with any pleasantries.

“I’ve come to say goodbye.”

Your mood and smile dropped, brows furrowing at Mizu’s sudden words.

You knew of Mizu’s yearning and hunger for revenge, but you figured you’d have more time with her in Kohama before she would depart. You regretted not sneaking out to your grandfather’s when you had the opportunities presented themselves, you felt incredibly guilty for leaving Mizu hanging for so long. She seemed colder now, you wondered what she had been through in the months since you last visited.

You should’ve made time.

Why didn’t you make time?

Now the one you loved more than anything any rich lord could offer was leaving, and you were stuck here to become a docile wife. The thought of it put a horrible taste in your mouth.

You swallowed thickly, “I’m coming with.”

Mizu blinked in surprise, her eyes widening as you began to gather up your bow and quiver that laid hidden beneath the floorboards in front of your sleeping pad. She swiftly moved over to you, kneeling and placing a hand on your bicep to stop you. She could see the tears glistening in your eyes through your hair that draped over your face, brushing it out of your face and tucking it behind your ear softly.

You paused your frantic movements to grab your weapon, glancing towards Mizu, who continued to be nothing but gentle with you as you began to let the tears trail down your cheeks. You wept, feeling homesick for the person who hadn’t even left yet.

“No, you’re not.” Mizu said quietly, but in such a firm tone you knew there was no room to argue about it. “I need you here. I need to know that you’re safe home, in Kohama. Where I’m going… you could get killed. I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to you on my watch.”

“But you could get killed, Mizu.” You whispered, turning into her, almost. Your knees touched, Mizu’s strong hands resting on your biceps while you raised your head just enough to stare at the scarf wrapped around her neck. Slowly reaching up, you fidgeted with the standing end of the knot before letting your hand fall to rest against her binded chest. “You could get killed and I’d… I’d never know. I’d be here waiting for you, and you’d never come back. I can’t…” Your voice shook, and Mizu’s hands began to as well. “I can’t live in a world that doesn’t have you in it.”

Mizu’s eyes widened at the admission, her heart swelling sadly.

“Nothing – and I mean, nothing,” she swallowed her anxieties. Should she be admitting this to you now? What if you’re right? What if she doesn’t come back? She paused briefly before deciding to just spit it out. If she was to die while on her journey, she was not going to die without knowing what it felt to be yours.

Even it was for a few fleeting moments.

“will take me from you before I’ve gotten the chance to give you the life you deserve.” She whispered, hands sliding down your arms to take your hands into hers. She rubbed her thumbs over the tops of your knuckles. “I love you,” She admitted, whispering your name as she reached a hand up to cradle the back of your head and pressing a firm, loving kiss you your forehead. “I’ll come home to you. I promise.”

‘She loves me?’ You thought, your brain swirling with excited thoughts as she pressed a kiss your your forehead. Your grip on her top tightened, and you finally mustered the courage to look into her eyes. Oh, how you loved them.

Seeing how this may be the last time you may every get the pleasure of seeing them, you reached your hands up and cupped her cheeks with a heavy sigh, hands shaking. Her eyes stormed with several emotions. Embarrassment? No… Love? Yes, and you were thrilled that it was openly aimed at you.

With the courage boost of her gaze on you, you shakily traced a thumb over her bottom lip, swallowing down the thick emotions that you felt bottling up. Her breath hitched, but she didn’t shy away from you. She never has.

You slowly leaned up, brushing your lips against her own before finally pressing them together, a mournful whimper leaving Mizu’s throat the second they made contact. Was this the only time she would ever be able to kiss you? She wondered, gripping your wrists softly as she eagerly kissed you back, her stomach flipping.

After what was too soon for either of you, Mizu pulled away, much to her own dismay. It was time.

You swallowed back a cry before pressing your foreheads together, “I love you too.”

———

You didn’t think she’d be gone for so long.

The first day was miserable.

The first month? Miserable.

The first six months? You guessed it!

Miserable.

The first year? Not any better.

You started to visit your grandfather more often to make sure he was cared for and still alive, you often cooked him dinners and stayed the nights to eat with him. He was the only thing besides your concealed weapon that really connected you to Mizu now that she was gone, and your frequent visits to him had interfered with your attempts at an arranged marriage, which resulted in your father doubling down and finally marrying you off to a lord after nearly two years of Mizu’s absence.

He hardly paid any attention to you, which was a blessing for you. It gave you more time to practice your archery and hunting, letting you keep a piece of Mizu with you. It also promised an easier escape for whenever Mizu came back.

Which she did.

Half dead though, which wasn’t ideal.

A man who you now knew as Ringo came crashing into the woods where you practiced archery at the request of your grandfather, and the moment you heard Mizu’s name slip out of his mouth you were sprinting towards your grandfather’s home. He had heard you sprinting through the woods, panting harshly before you slide one of the doors open. He placed the large metal tongs in front of your stomach before you could run to Mizu, guiding you over to the table to grab something to eat.

“You’ll do the boy no good if you cannot take care of yourself while you care for him, child.” He bonked your head with the tool, hobbling away after you walked over to Mizu with the meal, kneeling down beside her and setting it down beside you.

Your hand didn’t dare make contact with the injury on her forehead, but gently settled against her cheek. Your throat tightened from the overwhelming myriad of emotions washing over you the moment you laid eyes on her pale skin, you reminded yourself that she came home to you. Alive. But the look and thought her physical state worried you beyond anything you could reassure yourself with.

You had politely asked and instructed Ringo to deliver a message to your “husband” (to you, he was just some deadbeat you were legally tied to. He was already close to his deathbed before the few days that had gone on before Mizu’s abrupt arrival) that you were staying with your grandfather for a few days, falsifying an injury that he supposedly sustained that you needed to help him with. Which wasn’t exactly a lie, somebody you cared about was injured, it just wasn’t your grandfather.

Of whom made sure to put you to work while you were there, gathering firewood for him and assisting him to make tea and Ringo to make dinners for the three of you until one of the injured had woken up. It wasn’t the person you wanted to wake up most though.

Taigen, had been the first to rouse from his brief coma. You were not his biggest fan, but you knew him from the years you’d spent growing up by his side in the same village. Mizu never went into depth about what Taigen and his friends had done to her before the two of you met, but she said enough to make you strongly dislike the man.

He was surprised to see you, especially in the getup you were in, dressed similarly to Mizu. In your defense to yourself, how were you supposed to hunt in the kimonos that the women usually wore?

Today, Ringo was tailing your grandfather everywhere, claiming to be his new apprentice and Taigen was off exploring Kohama for the first time in years. You leaned against the building and watched as Ringo rambled while pulling out the firewood your grandfather needed, and your grandfather grumbled under his breath in irritation.

You let yourself chuckle, something you hadn’t done in a long while before your head whipped around at the sound of a groan coming from inside the house. You turned on your heel and jogged inside, your jaw dropping as you gasped at the sight of Mizu. She was sitting up, her hand pressing against the injury that had been stitched up by Ringo before you’d been alerted of her presence in your home.

You quickly ran forward and fell to your knees, engulfing her in a tight embrace. You felt her stiffen as you began to cry into her nape, but she seemed to recognize you quickly and returned the embrace, shutting her eyes tightly.

When you felt her warmth beneath your fingertips, it felt like you let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. She came home. To you. And she was alive.

“Mizu…” You laughed through a sob, your hands shakily grabbing the fabric covering her shoulders. Relief flooded through your system as she rested a hand at the small of your back, tugging you closer against her. “You’re alive! Oh my god, you’re alive.” You pulled back, shaky hands cupping her cheeks gently.

She brought a hand up to grab one of your own to steady your touch, leaning into your hand tenderly before turning into it and pressing a kiss to your palm. It felt good to be home. You were home, still. After all these years, after Mikio, after everything, you remained constant, unmoving. One of the only people that were consistently by her side after everything.

“I missed you,” She mumbled, her right hand coming up to gently rub your chin with her pointer finger while her left hand rested against one of the hands on her face. “I’m sorry I was gone for so long.”

You laughed through continuous tears, shaking your head softly, “I’m just glad you’re back, dumbass.” You held her face a little tighter, sniffling. “Even if you were half dead.”

“I kept my promise, didn’t I?” She joked, gazing into your eyes. They still held so much kindness and love for her… god, she didn’t deserve you.

“Barely…” You pouted, beginning to litter kisses over her face. She laughed softly, enjoying the affection far too much for her own good. She couldn’t leave you behind again, not now. Two years without you was already enough torture. You finally lingered your mouth over her own when the door opened, and you both turned your gazes to see Taigen awkwardly standing in the doorway.

“Was I…” He clears his throat. “...interrupting something?”

Mizu scoffs, rolling her eyes, “When do you not?” She asked rhetorically, beginning to bicker with the man.

Before he left again, he started mumbling something about how ridiculous Mizu was being and how he didn’t need this today. You couldn’t help but snicker at the mans grumbles, turning to face Mizu again, who was already smiling dotingly at you. She grabbed your face softly in one hand, and you melted into the touch that was missed and yearned for.

“Now where were we?”

#mizu x reader #reader x mizu #mizu x you #you x mizu #blue eye samurai x reader #reader x blue eye samurai #blue eye samurai imagines #bes x reader #reader x bes #SoundCloud #zoe's works #my works

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himasgod · 2 months ago

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Kinich x r4ped!reader

Scaramouche x family issues!reader

(I finally finished this request! I've tried to make it as non-specific as possible, I know this is a sensitive subject. If any of you, dear readers, have gone through a similar experience, I want you to know that this is a serious subject, and that you are not alone. You have many things, many people, many laws and entities protecting you. Feel free to express yourself. You can count on me if you need anything.)

Kinich

Where you find comfort on him after being sexu4lly 4bused.

It was a thick night in Natlan, and the heat was barely able to alleviate the weight you felt in your chest. In the last few days, you had tried to return to your normal life, pretending that everything was fine; but the reality was that the shadows of your pain continued to haunt you. You didn't want to talk, not even to Kinich, afraid that your words would fail to convey the hell you had lived through. However, the concern in his eyes convinced you that tonight you could no longer bear your suffering alone.

Kinich was at your side, silent. Not asking for explanations, not pressuring. Despite his pragmatic personality, he was perceptive and knew when someone was carrying more than they could hold. He watched you for a moment, his eyes serious and attentive, without traces of judgment, only open for whatever you decided to trust him with.

"You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to say," Kinich murmured softly, breaking the silence gently. His rough hands, accustomed to combat and hunting, sought yours with unusual care, as if he were afraid of breaking you at the slightest contact. “But I am here, for whatever you need. You know I love you, forever”

You felt the calm strength in his touch. A shiver ran through your skin, as if Natlan’s warmth was not enough to calm the coldness that had remained inside you since that fucking day. The words were stuck in your throat, and although you wanted to answer him, your voice seemed to have faded. But Kinich understood, as if your silence spoke for itself. He gently pulled you towards him, and without saying anything else, he let his arm surround your body with a protective warmth, gently, as if he were leaving you enough time to react, in case you did not want to have any contact.

“I know that what they did to you…” he began to say, his voice low and full of a weight that he rarely showed, “is something that no human being should endure. I can't undo what they did to you, or erase that pain… but I'll be here, even if you just want company without words."

You squeezed your eyes shut, and at last, the knot in your chest began to give way. Tears ran free, and Kinich didn't look away for a moment. He stayed by your side, like an immovable pillar in the middle of the storm that was hitting you. There was no rush, no attempt to change or minimize what you felt. He was simply there, sharing the weight in silence.

When you finally found your voice, you could barely whisper through your tears:

"I'm scared… scared that I'll never feel whole again, that this has taken a part of me away forever. I feel dirty, I've been taken away…"

Kinich looked at you, his gaze filled with an empathy rare in him. With a deliberate slowness, on purpose in case you didn't feel comfortable, he placed his hand on your face, gently wiping away the tears with his thumb.

"You're so much more... you are stronger than you think,” he replied, with a conviction so deep that he almost managed to make you believe him. “They haven’t taken anything from you. You will overcome it, and you will be the same as always. It is just a process that you will face… and I will be there throughout the process, helping you. You will overcome it. I promise you that.”

His words were like a balm, sincere and firm. Although the doubt and the pain were still present, Kinich’s presence enveloped you in a feeling of security. He did not promise that everything would be fine, but he did promise that he would be there, ready to accompany you in every step you took to heal.

You both stayed like that, sharing the silence under Natlan’s starry sky, and you understood that in Kinich you had found a refuge.

Scaramouche

Where he comforts you after you've told him your family's expectations of you.

The mood in Sumeru was gloomy, reflecting the weight of your thoughts. You had had a heated argument with your family earlier that morning, a conflict that seemed to repeat itself in an endless cycle. It was differences of expectations, impossible demands, and a constant comparison that drained every particle of peace you tried to build. You didn't know how to explain to them your desire to live on your own terms, without the weight of their expectations on your shoulders.

You found yourself walking aimlessly through the city, trying to clear your mind. However, a familiar shadow appeared in your path, and looking up, you saw Scaramouche, arms crossed and a disdainful expression you knew all too well.

"Are you done ghosting around town?" he asked in his usual scathing tone, but something in his eyes revealed more concern than contempt.

You sighed, trying to keep your composure, but the tension in your chest was too strong.

“If you’ve only come to make fun of it, then you might as well leave it,” you replied in a dry tone, hoping your words would drive him away.

To your surprise, Scaramouche didn’t move. Instead, he stared at you intently, as if he were trying to decipher the shadows behind your words.

“I’m not here to make fun of you, fool,” he murmured, his tone softening only slightly. “Though sometimes it seems like you don’t even understand what you need.”

His words made your barriers crumble, and without knowing how, you found yourself telling him everything. The overwhelming expectations, the rejection of your decisions, the constant criticism that felt like daggers in your heart. As you spoke, Scaramouche’s expression changed, a mix of contained rage and dark compassion that only he seemed to possess.

“So… you can’t live up to them and they know it,” he finally said, after listening to you in silence. “Why do you have to mold yourself in their image?”

You looked at him in shock, tears threatening to spill out. It was the first time someone had said it out loud, like a truth you hadn’t allowed yourself to believe.

“Because… they’re my family. I’m supposed to make them happy.”

Scaramouche snorted, his gaze turning icy.

“That’s absurd,” he muttered, a hint of bitterness in his voice. “Family shouldn’t be a burden that crushes you. They don’t have the right to decide how you live. If they truly loved you, why would they hurt you this way?”

His words were harsh, but they carried a sincerity that cut through every one of your doubts. You moved a little closer, seeking refuge in his presence. Though Scaramouche rarely showed affection to you, eben if he was your boyfriend, this time he didn’t pull away. Instead, he let you lean on him, his hand resting gently on your back as the weight of your tears fell silently.

“You don’t need to live up to their expectations to be worth something. If they don’t see it, it’s their problem, not yours,” he murmured, almost in a whisper. “And I… well, I’m the last one who should say this, but… you’re not alone in this fight.”

For the first time in a long time, you felt like someone understood you without judging you. Scaramouche, with his reticent nature and his own history of pain, knew more than he let on.

And in that instant, you realized that even if your family would never understand your choices, maybe you had someone at your side who could support you without asking for anything in return.

Here is my masterlist, in case you are interested in any more of my work or want to send me a request <3

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undreaming-fanfiction · 2 years ago

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When the Corroded Coffin makes it, Eddie leans into the success completely. He can't really help it, he never thought he'd make it anywhere, wouldn't even have a moderately comfortable life and now he's here, people love him, want him, think he's worth their time. It's intoxicating and he feels like if he slows down for just a second, he'll lose it all.

Steve is supportive, of course he is. It's everything Eddie's ever wanted, success in the world and the most amazing person at home, loving him unconditionally. But Eddie grows more and more frantic about his work, tours, everything. He loves Steve so much, he talks about him in awards ceremonies, in interviews and credits him as his forever muse that he maybe forgets a little that random people who he'll never meet hear more about his love for his boyfriend than Steve himself.

Maybe if he took a moment to think, Eddie would have remembered that Steve was left alone for most of his teenage years, that the love he had was real but distant. That this love always stopped him from asking for more, asking for time spent together, for actions, not words. But he didn't.

After many dinners wrapped in cellophane and tossed in the fridge, postponed dates, hurried goodbye kisses and whispered promises over the phone that never come true, it happens. Steve doesn't blame him, doesn't scream or snap, but Eddie would have preferred if he did. He just calmly tells him that he loves him, will always love Eddie and he can't imagine there being anyone else, but he finally realized that while he's happy for Eddie, he can't live through someone else's dream. He needs, wants more than another empty house and waiting, so much waiting. He kisses Eddie goodbye and whispers, "I'm so happy you managed to break your cycle, Eddie. The crime, poverty...I'm so proud of you. But now I need to break my own."

---

As Steve fully settles in his own apartment almost a year later, heart aching but finally not paralyzed, he turns on the radio and hears a familiar voice, like the sweetest pain. He sings a new song, one that Steve doesn't know.

I painted your room at midnight

So I'd know yesterday was over

I put all your books on the top shelf

Even the one with the four leaf clover

Man, I'm getting older

I took all your pictures off the wall

And wrapped them in a newspaper blanket

I haven't slept in what seems like a century

And now I can barely breathe

Just like a crow chasing the butterfly

Dandelions lost in the summer sky

When you and I were getting high as outer space

I never thought you'd slip away

I guess I was just a little too late

Your words still serenade me

Your lullabies won't let me sleep

I've never heard such a haunting melody

Oh, it's killing me

You know I can barely breathe

Just like a crow chasing the butterfly

Dandelions lost in the summer sky

When you and I were getting high as outer space

I never thought you'd slip away

I guess I was just a little too late

The last soft tones finish and Steve takes a deep breath, shaky and uncertain. He loves his new life, loves what he's doing, studying to save lives, and yet...

It's almost funny. They broke up a year ago, yet Eddie never left him behind. There was no pressure to get back together, no unwanted declarations of love, just...showing. Steve told Eddie that he needed actions, not words, and here he was, for a year, giving Steve the space he needed but always checking in, always making sure Steve was okay.

Eddie's words were his actions and Steve finally understands how to break his own cycle. Being alone doesn't mean he's lonely. Not when Eddie's thoughts never leave him.

Not when he remembers the four leaf clover he scribbled into his textbook.

When he says he always thinks of Steve when seeing dandelions, so bright and comforting, like home.

The nights they spent together, drunk on each other's presence.

And the melody Steve always hummed when he got out of shower.

He reaches for his phone, their careful messages blinking at him, making him wonder how this love can feel so distant yet so real.

I hope your classes are going well, Stevie.

Wayne says hi. He says he'll call you next Tuesday.

I hope you found what you were looking for.

I hope you're happy.

I'm thinking about you, always.

He types something cheesy and ridiculous, but he can't help himself. He just feels loved, seen.

What if I told you that you aren't too late, crow?

His phone dings back almost immediately and he smiles.

#steddie #steddie drabble #steddie songfic #steve harrington #eddie munson #steddie song rec #stranger things #stranger things drabble

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rapunzellovesbooks · 2 months ago

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The way I just want to hug Luke Newton and apologize on behalf of the entire Polin fandom for the shit he had to go through over a f*** picture taken without his consent. Like, I get it was the crazies, but still. Being part of the Taylor Swift fandom and seeing how she disappeared for a damn year over a leaked video taken without her consent and taken out of context villainising her... I know it must have hurt. And we can say it was months ago and that he knows who his true fans are, but still, that stuff would affect anyone, specially someone as sensitive as he is. I usually mind my own business and do not ship real people, heck, I usually do not even go online and "protect" celebrities. I tend to just focus on the happy and celebrate the characters they play but something about that June 13th and the look on his face... it haunts me to this day. And I just feel very very bad for him still.

I am deeply aware of the fact that I know nothing about his life, not really. I only know about his feelings for Polin and Nicola, because he has spoken about them. I have access to the same amount of information as the rest of the world, the pictures and videos of their WT and behind the scenes, the interviews he has done. I do not know anyone in his life and I should not have to. Neither do I know Nicola. And hey, maybe it never happens. Maybe they are happy with someone else (I doubt it, but this is just a feeling I have) and their relationship remains unique and the millions of questions we have never get answered. My point is, I got into this fandom because seeing their bond brought me joy. I don´t think them having other people in their lives diminishes that, which is why the hate he got over one picture never sat right with me. I do not get how it affects someone´s viewing experience of a show. I do not understand why we are so focused on labelling people´s relationships, as if it is as easy as saying a pencil is pink or green. It makes me happy seeing their videos and waiting for crumbs. I have fun hoping that what I truly see as more than platonic feelings will come to fruition.

I write this because the world is in shambles right now. And the last thing anyone needs is to add more negativity to it. So, I hope that we can, in the Lukola fandom, be kind and focus on the good. I do not give a shit about paparazzi photos or whatever the "adjacents" or however you want to call them do. In fact, I have not once looked at A´s or JD´s SM, nor do I want to. They are human beings, but not the human beings I care about. Even if they are involved in Luke and Nic´s lives, I will never send them hate or bad mouth them. I have no idea what they are to them. All I know is what L and N have said about each other. And it has always been good. So, that is where I will be.

And, yes, I truly believe they will be together. And I will be happy with anything that suggests it so, cause this is supposed to be fun and joyful. I, unlike other people, do not label people as gf or bf UNLESS it comes directly from the people involved. And if anyone ever confirms or launches anything, I will still be here. Cause that is what shipping is. Not hate, not negativity, not putting other people down, not invading someone´s privacy, not thinking that a moment in time is forever (people break up all the time, there is no way to know if someone is still with someone if there was never a "launch" or whatever you want to call it).

It would make both Luke and Nicola sad to see that a connection that is supposed to bring people joy is putting people against each other. I know we were so well fed with content over so many months that now we hold onto every detail we have not dissected yet. I get it. I also miss them. But that is the way it is supposed to be. We are not supposed to know everything. We are just supposed to be grateful and happy for when something good related to them happens. That is all and that is my hope for this fandom.

Spread joy and leave the rest out of it. Spiralling only makes people dizzy. Let us "get some vision, bro" like Luke said.

Thank you for reading and, remember, be kind to one another.

#luke newton #nicola coughlan #lukola #polin #nicluke #bridgerton

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mothduchess · 6 months ago

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Kitsune HRT Part 1

There was a light shower accompanied by the gentle pitter patter of daylight, the sky untarnished by any cloud or dreariness. The earth was laid bare to a dance of shadows and puddles as light fluttered about the scene, parading through the golden leaves and across the white bark that rivulets of water meandered down. The forest was quiet; no bird song or noise pollution, not a rustle or even a buzzing. Yet the wind was there. The scent of roses that drifted with its whispers was carried through the towering woods that seemed to stretch forever. But in these woods there would be a grotto of tall grass and the most lovely of flowers, roses of such amazing hues that the petals did rise in celebration. In the middle of the grotto there was a stump whose rings numbered in the hundreds and branches curled up high like eager hands. The light wreathed the field in shining gold. And sitting upon this stump atop a nest of pristine cloth bedding was a creature of fur with reddened fur and black. Her tails curled around her graceful legs all draped in shining white and colorful silks. Her fur rustled with the breeze, speckled with crumbs from flaky pastries. Other creatures sat around her enjoying tea and cakes aplenty. Dainty fingers were stained with strawberries and peaches as petals lightly fell around the party. The bears and the wolves were cloaked in mantles of cloud and a frog drank gold from a saucer. Wordless chatter curled throughout the party. The vixen sat prominently with legs curled under her and eyes squeezed upwards. With grace, onto her snout curled a silver smile that broke with heavenly laughter. Laughter and Smiles. Echoing, and curling, off into a grey distance. Sleep fell off ungracefully thudding onto the hardwood as only a boulder could. I groaned with my eyes screwed shut. I peeled from the sheets and rubbed the crustings from my eyes. Those pale blue eyes and the blunted nails with chipping nail polish. Pale grey light oozed through the broken blinds as morning made itself known. But as I laid half swaddled in sheets, surrounded by plush toys, my only thoughts could go to her smile. Her laughter. All I could muster was a frown as I conjured forth my energy to rise from the bed as cotton foxes and other creatures watched. "...That was a nice dream." My nails dragged across the flesh of my arms leaving red marks that sat across older such markings. I yawned and stretched, sliding my phone into my hands from the place it fell the previous night. I turned on videos as wakefulness slowly drew itself together. "That was the fifth time this month already. They've been getting worse," I thought. A sigh escaped my lips as I dead scrolled through social media. "How can anyone focus like this?" At that moment I saw posts come into view. Over the past year or so, a new kind of medicine had hit the stage, but all of the new drugs were filed under a singular umbrella: "Humanity Removal Therapy". Pictures of people showing scales and growing to a gigantic heights, tails, claws, horns, all kinds of new body parts. I even saw people become human or things stranger than any typical animal. I was slackjawed. I had heard of the medicine, surely. But to see so many people more get onto it, I couldn't do anything but stare at the screen with legs pulled into my torso. Cows. Dragons. Fish. "It's that effective?" I begun to get dressed. It wasn't as if I'd never taken such a leap before. Estrogen was what gave me my chest and lower proportions. It didn't do everything I could have hoped for, of course not, but it was something! I was happier. It was... "Something like from a dream." I sat there upon my knees for minutes. The phantom sensations of a bundle of tails drifted behind me, the ethereal fur almost taunting me. At first I wondered if I was allowed to have it. Then, thoughts of money. I had so little, could I afford the many months? But the idea of those dreams haunting me for years and years on wrenched my gut into a spiral. I couldn't live like that. I couldn't.

When I sat at my computer, I pulled up a tab to begin researching. After a moment's hesitation, I pulled open another window. "Kitsune Transition: Week 1."

------------------------------------------------------------------------ Thank you so much for reading! And huge shout out to @ ayviedoesthings and all of the other people who have made Animal HRT art. It helped us figure out that we were therian, and we're making that to express the feelings we've had in our head. Will be posting more over time!

FIRST NEXT>

#kitsune #otherkin hrt #therian #animal hrt #fox #short story #transformation #transgender #kitsune hrt

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maeedrg · 3 months ago

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Satoru, Oh Satoru

Y/n’s goodbye letter

ᯓ★

Synopsis : In which you write and send a letter to your ex fiance, Gojo Satoru, before his deathly battle with Sukuna. Broken promise, he wishes to see you again, the love of his life, one last time before it’s too late. [The letter is the Mary’s goodbye letter to Arthur Morgan from RDR2]

Words count : 2k

Warnings : heavy angst, slight comfort, major character death, spoilers of the end of the manga, reader is called « wife » once.

જ⁀➴ ⠀ׂ Autor’s note : I love Red Dead Redemption 2, and the letter of Mary is haunting me. It’s been weeks since I wanted to write about it, so here we go, with Gojo instead of Arthur Morgan ! English is not my first language, sorry for the mistakes.

“My dear Satoru,

You never showed up, and now, after looking at the newspapers I understand why. I don't imagine you will receive this letter but I nonetheless must send it.

Satoru, oh, Satoru. I was just starting to dream the silliest and softest of dreams. I miss you, and I will always miss you but I cannot live like that, and it seems you cannot live any other way.

When I am with you, the world makes sense but when we are apart, I see clearly that your world is not a world from which one can escape. I am so sorry, for everything, for everything long ago and for leaving you. There's a vulnerable man within you, Satoru, but he is wrestling with a giant. And the giant, wins, time and again. You've broken my heart, again, and I fear I have broken yours.

For that, I will never forgive myself but you must let me go now. I enclose a ring you gave me many years ago, when we were both young, not because I don't like it, but because I care for it far too much and it reminds me too much of you. I hope, one day you will find some people in love who can use this, for it kept me thinking of you all these years, and I hope by returning it to you I can finally be free. So please, win, and come out alive.

Goodbye.

y/n”

Are those water drops ?

Satoru blinks once, twice, before realizing that tears roll down his rosy cheeks and wet down the paper. He slowly opens his mouth in a shuddering breath, knuckles tightening against the letter he was holding in his hands. He is crying, Gojo Satoru is crying. Heavens know that this man almost never cried since the day he was born. But the way his heart was hurting so much, each breath being a stabbing inhale, as if a dag was slicing open his lungs and cutting into pieces his poor sweet damaged heart, confirm it. Yes, he cries. He cries this forgotten moment, he cries you, he cries your love, lost in the nostalgia he feels.

The Strongest, no, Satoru, never thought he would lose the love of his life twice. The first time was when you left him years ago, three more exactly, and God it was his own damn fault. He knows it more than anyone else, more than you.

The second was today, when he opened this letter you sent him and read it 5, 6, 12, 23 times. Hell, at first he thought he was hallucinating when he received it this morning. Why ? Why today ? The day he was supposed to have no single regrets, because he knew it would be the last time he would be on earth. He prayed that you forgot about him, hated him, cursed him in your soul forever, so he could die without your and any regrets.

23rd of December. Tomorrow, it will be the 24th. Please, please, please. He doesn’t want to die now. Will he really win ? That was just a sentence said to reassure himself, to convince his students and his own heart that everything will be alright. But the “what if” came along, and he ended up writing letters to his students in case he would indeed lose tomorrow. Including you. His long lost love. His ex fiance.

But for fuck’s sake, he didn’t expect you to send him one before he could even finish writing yours.

That hurts, so damn much. Was he even breathing anymore ? He didn’t know. But he had to breathe, everyone wanted him to breathe and to stand up. They needed him. Everyone needed him. But all he wanted, in the end, was for you to need him. Even if he told you the contrary years ago. That was all a lie, to you and himself. Satoru made you leave him, but that was for your sake.

Marrying The Strongest meant having a deadly bounty on your head, the end of your peaceful love, and maybe the end of your own life. He never really regretted what he did, he preferred for you to be safe and sound, away from him. Even if he missed your pretty eyes, your oh so sweet lips, the warmth of your soul and the comfort of your arms.

But now, some hours before his last day on earth, he regretted it more than anything. In the end, he would have wanted to spend his last years in your company if it meant having this kind of death. God, he could have called you his wife. He wasn’t dumb, Satoru was far too smart for his own good. Tomorrow will be his last. There was no need to be delusional about it, but it hurts. It hurts so much. More than he wanted it to be. The Strongest never gets hurt, after all. Because he doesn’t allow it to happen.

He kisses the ring, the engagement ring, he gave you years ago before you returned it to him in this letter. He slowly closes his watery eyes, biting the inside of his mouth, lost in thoughts. He wanted to feel your lips against his one last time. He wanted to be in your arms one last time. He wanted to hear your name coming out of your mouth one last time. He just wanted to see you, before his battle against Sukuna. Was he egoistical to want that, after everything that happened in between the two of you, after the letter you sent ?

“I just… don’t care anymore,” he muttered, standing back up and softly sliding your letter against his still beating heart.

Seeing you was his last wish. May it be granted.

Some minutes after, barely 20, he was in front of your door. It was an unholy hour to grant you a visit, the clock ticking 11.58 PM. In two minutes it would be his official last hours on earth, Christmas Day. If Santa Claus was real, then you were the biggest gift he could ask for.

The moment you open your door, sleepy eyes, greasy pajamas, and then face distorting in utter disbelief when staring at your ex fiance standing right in front of you, time stops. Satoru couldn’t believe his own eyes. His Six eyes were useless, his soul was already screaming to him that the person in front of him was the love of his life.

“Satoru… ?” you whisper, unable to know if you were dreaming, or not. He died a little when he finally heard his name slipping out of your lips after so many years.

You can’t even utter another word, that his large frame is on you. His strong arms wrap around your body, cradling you in the depth of his chest and undying love for you. He inhales, you smell the same as he remembers. Oh, sweet Lord, how he missed this. He felt his heart beating again, his lungs working finally normally, he was breathing. Yes, he was breathing. Thanks to you. He never felt more alive in this moment. What a duality. A cruel duality.

“I did read your letter. Let me say my goodbyes to you too, y/n. One last time, I beg you,” he murmurs in the crook of your neck. Gojo Satoru never begs. Yet, here he was, ready to go on his knees like he did when he proposed to you, to implore one last blessing moment in your presence.

Your feelings were conflicted, you were in the arms of the man that broke your heart, and from whom you just made your goodbyes. Maybe that was mean of you, to send this letter the day before his battle against Sukuna. When you saw it on the news, you understood that it would be maybe your last time being able to reach to him. You told him what you needed to say. For you, that was final. But one thing that you didn’t take accountability for, was his soul wrenching love for you. And, in this small moment of peace before war, you decided to indulge in his vulnerability, no, yours. Wait, both of you were more vulnerable than you could ever be again.

“Satoru.”

“I missed you,” he whispers as he slowly lift his head, blue glossy eyes meeting yours intimately. Tears, rolling down. You couldn't fathom it.

“I’m so, so, oh so sorry. Do you forgive me for breaking your heart ?” His voice is like a whimper, and you feel a part of your soul breaking at his pleading. Your lips quiver.

“Yes, Satoru. And do you forgive me too for breaking yours ?”

“I never resented you,” he closes his eyes saying that, leaning his forehead against yours. That was unspoken, but you understood the depth of his words. After all, you knew him better than anyone else. He made you leave him, on purpose, and you were aware why he did that. You indeed left, he watched you doing it, unable to stop this tragedy from happening, because you both knew that marrying each other would have been probably the biggest dream and nightmare of your life. You both broke each other's hearts that day.

“I never did too,” you answer, closing your eyes.

“I love you, you know that, right ? Always did."

“I love you, Satoru. I know that you do. And…” you both open back your eyes at the same time, “I realize that loving you was my greatest curse, but your eyes grant me mercy. In them I see the salvation of my soul, but I know that your heart has already cursed me,” you finish in a breath coming from the depth of your being.

Two tears roll down at your answer. One from your eye, one from his. He sniffs, unable to suppress his emotions, and then slowly take out of his pocket two objects. First, a letter, bigger than the one you wrote him. It was unfinished, he didn’t have the time to. He softly puts it in the crook of your hand.

“Read it if I’m gone, if I’m not, then give it back to me in person," he asks you, his pearly white lashes getting wet from the tears in his eyes. You both knew deep in your hearts that you would never be able to give it back to him. Yet, you force a smile on your face.

“I promise.”

The second object, was your engagement ring. Satoru knew it was oh so egoistical of him to give it back, when you send it attached to the letter this morning. He refused to keep it. He still had his on his finger, he wanted you to keep it too.

You said in your letter that you refused to keep it anymore because you cared for it far too much and it reminded you too much of him. Satoru wanted you to remember him. He was sure that when he will die, people would forget about him, and move on. He came to accept that fact. People only cared about the farthest and the greatest grand Gojo Satoru, The Strongest. Once death would take this title from him, he would have nothing left, aside from you.

“Only you can carry my love. Never forget that. You said that you hope by returning it to me you can finally be free. For my christmas gift, let me take your freedom,” he pleads, no, begs. His hand was shaking as he gently slid back the ring on your finger, it was his ultimate wish.

A sob escapes your lips. You cursed him for doing that to you. But how could you be mad, when granting the death wish of your long lost fiance ? You look back at the shiny ring, and remember how you blessed Heavens the day he proposed to you. It hurts to know that you never had the chance to call him your husband. Your love was doomed from the beginning. The world was cruel, so cruel.

“I’ll feel alive as long as I’m in your heart, may you never forget me,” he finishes, tangling his fingers in yours.

His left hand cradles your cheek, and you slowly lean towards him. His lips melt against yours, in this final goodbye, last kiss, last shared moment, heart to heart beating in sync. Your souls intertwined, and Satoru wished he could just die right now in your arms, in the sweetness of your lips and warmth of your love.

“In another life, Satoru. In another life we’ll marry and love each other how we wanted to, just not in this one,” you whisper like a secret to the world against his lips. He smiles through the tears.

“I’ll gladly die with a smile, now.” At least he could die the same day as Geto Suguru, one year after him, joining him in death. At least he could die knowing you loved him no matter what. At least he could die knowing that in his next life he could be by your side, again.

You never forgot him. You kept the ring on your finger, until your last breath and till death do you part. It did.

THE END

#gojo x reader #jjk #rdr2 #gojo x you #gojo angst #gojo satoru #x reader #jjk x reader #jujutsu kaisen

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aventurineswife · 3 months ago

Note

anon who requested the IPC worker x Aventurine where reader faked their death :D

a part 2 would be cool, how you go abt it id up 2 u but if u would like any ideas…it could maybe have a flashback of their fakeout death and Aven’s reaction, and then flash to the present where he tries to leave IPC to live domestically w Reader, but they get killed for real in the process (i’m angst #1s lover) and now Aven is stuck in the IPC 😭

“At the end of the world, or the last thing I see, you are never coming home” | Part 2

Summary: Memories of your past with Aventurine resurface, unraveling the intense moments that led to your faked death. A flashback reveals the night you made the harrowing decision to disappear, showing how it shattered Aventurine’s world. Torn between loyalty to IPC and his love for you, Aventurine is ultimately willing to risk everything for a future together. However, when he attempts to leave the IPC, tragedy strikes, claiming your life in reality this time. Now, Aventurine must face an eternity of regret and entrapment within the very organization you both sought to escape. Bound to the IPC, haunted by memories of you, he is left yearning for a life he can never have.

Tags: Aventurine x Reader, angst, fake death reveal, intense emotions, love and loss, tragedy, betrayal, hurt/comfort, forbidden love, character death, emotional breakdown, regret, forced separation, internal conflict, bittersweet romance.

Warnings: Intense emotional themes, character death, grief, betrayal, mentions of violence, flashbacks, guilt and regret, dark themes, potential tearjerker, unresolved trauma.

A/N: AHHHH!!! 😭 THAT'S SO MEAN BUT SO GOOD TOO?! MY BABY!!! 🥺💔

(Part 1)

The memory clung to Aventurine like a shadow—one he could never shake. He could still recall every detail from that day years ago, the day he’d thought he’d lost you forever. In his mind, it was as if he were back there now, reliving the dreadful series of events that tore you from his life.

It had started with an anonymous tip. He’d been in the heart of IPC headquarters, surrounded by the opulent furnishings and hushed power plays that were his world, when he received the message. The vague words scrawled across the screen still felt burned into his mind: An unexpected death in IPC’s ranks. Don’t ask too many questions.

At first, he’d dismissed it as some cruel joke or an attempt to provoke him. But as whispers circulated, he’d felt an ache that reached far deeper than any professional ambition or loyalty to the IPC. His instincts screamed at him that something was wrong. His fingers shook when he finally demanded details from an IPC informant. They had tried to placate him with silence, then with excuses, before finally leading him to a private room where they produced a list of names lost in action. His eyes landed on yours.

His heart had shattered. And in that moment, the world he’d so carefully built around him crumbled. The IPC, his title, every ounce of the strategic power he wielded felt like a joke, a hollow nothing in the face of your loss. Days bled into weeks, then months as he clawed through records, files, and whispers, desperate to uncover anything that could prove this had been a mistake. Eventually, after countless sleepless nights and fading hope, he resigned himself to a cruel reality: you were gone.

In the present, Aventurine had all but lost himself in your kiss, his hands cradling your face as if afraid you might disappear again. But now that he’d found you, he couldn’t imagine letting you slip away. You’d barely finished promising him you weren’t going anywhere when he whispered urgently, “Come with me. I'll leave the IPC. We can start over, together.”

The idea hung in the air, and the look on your face said you wanted it as much as he did. The life you’d built in hiding had given you some solace, but nothing compared to the warmth that had returned the moment you’d locked eyes with him again.

“I want to, Aventurine,” you murmured, your voice soft with hope but tinged with caution. “But you know, you leaving IPC isn’t going to be that simple.”

He gave a wry smile, the familiar gleam of his gambler’s spirit returning to his gaze. “Since when have I ever played it safe?”

It was settled. Together, you and Aventurine began planning a final escape from IPC, the promise of a quiet, shared life filling every unspoken moment between you.

Weeks later, the two of you were ready. Aventurine had secured falsified documents, disguises, and even an old shuttle that he’d salvaged and reprogrammed to slip through IPC scanners. His heart thrummed with excitement as he held your hand, the two of you ducking into back alleys and secret passages within IPC’s labyrinthine halls, moving closer to the shuttle bay with each step.

But just as freedom felt within reach, a familiar voice stopped him cold.

“Aventurine,” called a smooth, calculating voice—a voice he knew well, belonging to his superior within IPC, one of the few who could see through his every bluff. “Going somewhere?”

A team of armed operatives closed in, blocking your escape route, and Aventurine felt his stomach sink as he saw the trap closing around you both.

“What’s this?” he asked smoothly, masking his fear with a cocky grin as he positioned himself protectively in front of you. “A farewell party?”

His superior raised a brow, her gaze shifting to you before returning to him. “Leaving isn’t an option for a Stoneheart. Surely you know that.”

He cast a glance over his shoulder, meeting your eyes, silently urging you to stay close, to trust him just one last time. “Then let me make it clear,” he replied, stepping forward, his voice steady. “I’m done with IPC. And if you want me, you’ll have to get through us both.”

In the ensuing chaos, you and Aventurine fought with everything you had, desperate for one last chance at freedom. But just as you were about to reach the shuttle, a shot rang out.

You stumbled, a look of shock crossing your face as blood bloomed from your side. Aventurine’s heart seized. “No,” he whispered, catching you as you collapsed into his arms. “No, no, please… we were almost there.”

Your eyes met his, filled with a quiet acceptance he couldn’t bear. “It’s okay, Aventurine,” you murmured, your hand weakly reaching to touch his face. “I’m just sorry… I couldn’t give you the life we dreamed of.”

Tears he’d fought so long to hide spilled over as he held you, pressing his forehead to yours. “No, no, please don’t… I can’t do this without you.” But even as he clung to you, your grip grew weaker, your breaths fainter.

When your hand slipped from his cheek, Aventurine was left cradling your lifeless form, his vision blurring as grief consumed him. He’d lost you once before, but nothing had prepared him for the agony of losing you again—for real this time.

In the end, IPC dragged him back, broken and hollow, the final remnant of his old life slipping through his fingers. He returned to the office and his title as a Stoneheart, each day haunted by the love he’d sacrificed to leave the IPC, each night dreaming of a life he’d never know.

And so Aventurine remained, a prisoner of the world he’d once called his own, but now bound by grief—a gambler who’d lost his most precious wager.

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r3starttt · 1 year ago

Text

Don’t delete the kisses

a/n: I got my inspo from “See You In My 19th Life” also, felt too personal. Basically reader inspired on me lol

Pt 2. | Prt.3 | Prt.4

Warnings: mentions of bullying, suicide, lots of angst and fluff

“I see the signs of a lifetime, you ‘til I die”

You’ve had seventeen lives so far. You’ve been all kinds of people in all kinds of places, and you always remember each one of them. It always happens for different reasons, it could be a smell that reminded you of a perfume, a new dish that apparently you’ve already tried before, a face that felt familiar, a song that made you feel weirdly in love.

At first it was horrifying, it was so confusing and you made so many mistakes. You told people about it. You tried to find your loved ones, tried to approach to them again because your heart still missed them. But eventually you learned to handle it. Eventually the pain of past life losses disappeared and you just learned to ignore your not so nice gift.

You’ve also learned to adapt to every life, which was becoming easier every time because the knowledge, talents and hobbies from every life apparently stayed with you. Maybe it was your soul?

You stopped having complains and learned to value and enjoy everything. You appreciated every mistake you made because it helped you learn for a future life, you enjoyed feeling everything so deeply because it would help you remember the next time you reincarnate, you showed your love for everyone and did everything you wished so you wouldn’t have any regrets. You learned to be positive and take advantage of everything that was offered to you on each life.

Until now.

Ever since you were a child you’ve felt empty. Loved but not enough to fill your heart, admired but feeling like you’re not worth it, with friends that care for you and a lovely family that provides you all you need and all you could ever ask for but feeling like you don’t deserve them. Maybe you were born sad?

It seems like your whole life happened in the blink of an eye. Maybe it’s the sadness that hasn’t allowed you to enjoy this life properly, but where does that come from?

Maybe you’ve got used to sadness so much that you don’t know how to handle it on this life? It’s frustrating, not even all the knowledge in the world, all the abilities you’ve learned and your old soul can handle such feeling. It’s the first thing you’ve been unable to control, ever.

There is a reason why it got out of control though. When you were eleven you were bullied by your whole class, including some professors. And it didn’t matter how much privilege you had, neither you or your parents could do anything about it.

That’s the moment all the lonely, angry and sad in you became overwhelming, the moment you started to believe in god again just to beg him every day to kill you, to let you die.

And even if that was almost ten years ago it still haunts you. The humiliation, the anger, the loneliness. And you can’t handle it, not because you don’t know how to, but because your body doesn’t allow you to.

Your heart always reminds you of it, like it happens with your past lives, there’s always a smell, a word, an action. The way those kids made you feel, they things those adults said to you, the way your parents broke in tears when you first told them, the awkwardness at home whenever they tried to make you talk to them. It all stuck to you forever.

“What if it’s not meant for me? Love”

However there was someone that was worth trying to live. Her name is Ellie, and you’ve been dating her for some years now.

She’s your childhood best friend, the person you trust the most on this world and the only one that doesn’t make you feel overwhelmed. Your girlfriend and the lover you’ve feel more connected to or all your lives.

“Do you believe in soulmates?” You’re both laying on her bed, staring at the ceiling and talking about random stuff, whatever goes trough your minds “Or…. reincarnation”

“None of them, do you?” you could see her moving her head towards you from the corner of your eye “Yeah, I’d like us to be soulmates and find each other on each life” a chuckle came out of Ellie’s mouth “you’re so cheesy ughh” you laughed back, kicking her shoulder with your arm to which she complained.

“I know but, I’ve never loved someone this much el” you turned your head too, smiling at the look of Ellie’s shy smile and and her slightly tainted cheeks “you’ve really saved my life, you know it” Just as those words were spoken, her face changed completely.

“all good?”

You could see the worry on her face, in the way her eyes studied yours and on the pout that slowly appeared. You just sighed back, hesitating a bit and debating if you should tell her the truth or not.

“It’s probably my birthday, I’ll be fine” the reassurment in your voice didn’t seem to convince her, so you spoke again “el, things have been good in the past few years, it’s not gonna change suddenly”

“What if they do?” she’s right, what if they do?

“They won’t, I would already know and I would tell you, I promise” you do know, but you won’t tell her, not now.

“You tell me to get over it and to take you out, but I can’t and I’m too scared. “

You’ve tried to take your life some years ago, before Ellie and you started to date. Honestly, to this day you still don’t know how you managed to not die. It was late at night, right before your birthday, it always makes you feel extremely sad for some reason, you believe is the fear of growing up, of things getting harder.

“And here’s the night bus, I have to go. And the doors are closing and you’re waving”

You’ve had that feeling for over a month. All your healing process falling apart just for your birthday? you still feel ashamed about it. You just took some random blade you’d saved for this moment and started to practically stab your wrists.

All your thoughts mixed with the weirdly feeling of pain and satisfaction and the blood dripping down your arms blinded you, and in the blink of an eye you just loose the balance and fainted.

But you promised yourself that if you didn’t make it back then, you would try it again, no matter what. Or at least you tried to convince yourself.

“What if it’s not meant for me? Love”

“What are you gonna gift me?” you decided to better change the topic before your thoughts could overwhelm any of you “What do you want?” Her hands tangle with yours.

“You haven’t got me anything yet?” a laugh scapes your mouth “I do but…. I don’t know” Ellie loved handmade gifts, however she always does something different for you. “You know I love your gifts el, you can give me a rock and I would admire it forever”

Your hands slowly move from Ellie’s, cupping her face and making her look at you. She’s so pretty, with the light of the sun coming through the window snd hitting her freckles just perfect, making her eyes look shiny too.

“So you want a rock then?” of course she had to make jokes, she can’t handle romantic moments, gets to nervous. You just roll your eyes.

“You know, a perfect gift would be that you stopped using those crusty converse” she immediately groans, pushing your hands away from her face and leaning on her back

“What’s wrong with them?”

“They smell, they’re broken and they’re dirty as fuck because you never clean them”

“They don’t smell! and I glued them recently”

“Ellie, please”

“But don’t call me by my full name”

“I’m not! And I’ve always called you Ellie”

“No you haven’t, you call me El”

“El, please buy some new converse for my birthday”

“And what do I get for doing it?”

“Your girlfriends happiness”

“I think that’s a sign. I’m losing self control and it’s you”

And that’s how you it was for the rest of the day. Ellie pouting every time you teased her but calling you dramatic if you said anything about her teasing you. Also, Ellie suddenly telling you random facts about dinosaurs and space and just random stuff in general.

That was the las time you saw her, until your birthday. She’d come earlier than anyone else to have more time alone with you. It’s not that you had many friends but your family always came too so they’d keep you busy all day.

A day before you were looking through your closet, finding all the cute gifs Ellie had made you, admiring the details of all her drawings and reading the letters. Watching all the Polaroids your mom took of you two, the gift she made for you when she asked you to be her girlfriend, a bracelet she gifted you when you asked her to be her friend, a letter you made for her from when you first fought.

And it made you feel horrible, because the decision was already made, the letters for all the people you cared about were already written and saved in your desk. Your phone was already unlocked so everyone could have access to it, your room was tidy and your closet clean.

You were just waiting for her, for tomorrow, for all your family to be together when you left so it would be hopefully easier to everyone. For everyone to be there and get their letters, for Ellie to not be alone when she got the news, for your parents and your girlfriend to be comforted by each other’s presence.

You went downstairs, looking for Ellie since you heard your parents already speaking with her. They were all siting at the dining room.

It made your heart melt to see you happy she looked the moment she saw you. Her eyes, her pretty nose scrunching a little, her smile widening.

“Can I see my gift already?” Your parents laughed in disbelief, telling you to at lest greet her properly before asking her about a gift.

“Your parents told me you’ll open them later” she chuckled, looking at your parents and then back at you, you did the same.

You stepped closer to her, grabbing her hands and taking her to your room.

“Can you at least tell me what is it? I’ll act surprised I promise”

“A rock”

“Haha so funny el”

You closed the door behind you, watching Ellie sitting on your bed. She just stared at you, with puppy eyes of course. You really hoped you wouldn’t remember this when you reincarnated, or at least that It wouldn’t hurt as much as it does right now.

“What’s that box?” her finger pointed at the box you were just looking trough last night. You walked towards it and took it to the bed, sitting besides Ellie.

“All your gifts” she looked at you in pure shock “This is something I did for you when we were like…. Seven or something, why’d you still have it?”

“My mom saved all this things, it’s cute isn’t?”

“I feel exposed”

“What’s wrong with it? I love all of it”

“Your gift is not gonna fit in here”

“So it’s not a rock and defined not a new pair or converse” your eyes moved towards Ellie’s shoes, she just sighed

“Stop it, you’re the only one that notices them”

“My parents do, my mom asked my why you never changed them” that was a lie, but how could Ellie know?

You did the same thing as last nigh, take a final look to all the gifts that Ellie had made to you, not now with her. You’d made fun of her and she would just frown her eyebrows and eventually pout if she felt really ashamed of it. You’d make her read the letters out loud and ask her about the process of every draw she’d made of you.

“This letter is for me, why didn’t you give it to me?” Now you understood the feeling, karma. “We fought, I decided it was better to apologize in person” her hands leaned the letter towards you, making you read it out loud just as you’d made her do to you.

“January 13 2020” you stopped as she laughed “don’t laugh, you wanted me to read it I’ll read every detail then”

“I’m sorry for whatever I did to make you mad, I’m still not sure what it was- Ellie, you’re such a dramatic person”

“Me? You’re the one that’s dramatic for making a whole letter even though you hate writing just to randomly apologize”

“This just proves how much I love you, shut up”

“Right, keep reading”

“I’m still not sure what it was, but I feel like apologizing because Dina told me how much you’ve been crying and how awful I made you feel-“ you got interrupted by a loud gasp

“Why would Dina told you?” She slapped her hands on her face, groaning “only fucking fake friends these days” you laughed

“Hey don’t say that! I love Dina, she’s the sweetest and I bet she also tells you all I tell her about you, you’re overreacting for something that happened three years ago”

“You speak about me with her?” You nodded

“I want you to know that I’m so fucking grateful for having someone like you in my life. For a long time you were the only one that made me laugh, the only one that made me feel happy and loved and like life was worth it. You’re the reason I keep trying” you could feel the knot of tears forming in your throat, so painful “I feel like you got mad for what I said, but I want you to know that I didn’t mean it in a bad way, I wanted you to know how I truly felt about you and us and my life. I didn’t want to lie to you, I can’t. I was hoping you could understand that I didn’t tell you that before because I was afraid of how would you react, because I care for you snd I don’t want you to get hurt just for my weakness-“

The door of the room got opened after some small knocks were heard. Everyone had got there already. You didn’t realize how long you’ve been in your room with Ellie, totally worth it though.

You just saved the letter in the box again. You’ve purposely let it in your room for Ellie to take a look of it later that day, for her to have something left from you.

You both went downstairs again, Ellie went with your friends and you went to greet each family member, having some small talk with everyone and thanking them for being here.

And the time today felt extremely fast. Maybe this was the first birthday you’ve properly enjoyed, maybe you were excited or anxious, maybe it was the calm you’ve felt for the first time in years, maybe-

“I wanna eat the cake already, can’t you hurry them?” Ellie’s hands positioned around your waist, hugging you from behind and pulling you closer to her. You could see her pretty face resting on your shoulder, staring at you.

“You smell like gummies” you smiled without even realizing, now looking at Ellie. Her lips pressed in yours, the sour and sweet flavor invading your tongue “I ate gummies”.

“There’s tons of food El, why don’t you just eat something that’s not candy? Instead of asking for cake that by the way you won’t get to eat” she pinched your stomach slightly “why won’t I get to eat cake?” “I don’t think there’s enough for everyone

“I deserve it more than them, I’ve been with you, listening to your annoying voice every day” now you pinched her back “shut up or you really won’t get any”

“Do we really have to stay here with everyone? Your grandpa freaks me out” you chuckled “stop being rude to my family” “do we?” “let’s go outside”

And so you walked to the small garden behind your house, sitting on the cold grass with Ellie

“You seem happier this year…. do you feel happier?” you can see her toying with her fingers, staring at them to avoid eye contact “are you worried about me?” your gaze is now focused on your family, inside the house. You can see your friends almost eating each other on the closest window, it makes you laugh.

“The letter…. am I really that important to you?”

“You’re my best friend since forever el, you’re my girlfriend, why wouldn’t you?”

“I don’t know, I thought I didn’t help you at all”

“You do”

You turned around again, facing Ellie. She was picking the grass. How were you supposed to leave her? How were you supposed to ever live without her?

You grabbed her face with your hands, pulling her closer for a kiss. Her lips felt just perfect for yours, her skin was so soft, her face just the right size for your hands to fit, her hair the right strength for you to feel it every time you two kissed. You couldn’t do this to her

You tried to break the kiss, but her hands moved behind your back, pulling you closer to her again and deepening the kiss. You could feel her smile trough the kiss, she’s so fucking pretty.

“I love you Ellie, I’ve always loved you, don’t ever doubt it” she laughs in confusion “I love you too” It was the third time you probably said it out loud, you really wished you would’ve told her sooner.

“I’m electric, a romantic cliché”

“Take this, I was planning on give it to you later but…. I guess it’s the right time” you looked confused at her, she was looking for something on her hoodie pockets. A rock

Maybe you should wait, just a little more, just for her.

The rock was painted with your favorite colors, it was your face. Why is she so lovely? Why can’t her love fill your heart? What’s wrong with you?

She slowly puts it on your hands, studying your face, looking for any reaction. You lean on her, hugging her as both of your bodies fall on the grass. You can’t see her but she’s definitely smiling.

“I can’t imagine a life without you Ellie, don’t ever dear to leave me” she thought you were just being romantic because of the gift, but you mean it, you hope you fin her always and forever. To hopefully have the life you won’t be able to enjoy with her this time.

Her hands rubbing your back, her nose smelling your perfume, nuzzling on your neck “I won’t, I promise”

“Let’s go for the cake, I can hear your stomach” you rest your arms on the grass, positioning each one besides Ellie’s face and giving her another kiss. Her eyes look so pretty.

The sky turns orange as you get inside the house again. You hate this part of the day because it means it’s almost over, and today specially you want everything but the day to end. You hope every smiley face in the house can forgive you for what you’re about to do, you hope they understand.

So now you’re siting in the middle of the table, with everyone you love around you as they sing happy birthday to you. Ellie is sitting besides you, taking pictures of you. And you can only thank her in a small whisper, and thank the universe in your mind for letting her have that picture as her last memory of you.

The minute the song is over everyone claps, watching you turn off the candle. You always wished for happiness, but today you’re just wishing for forgiveness. Your smile is wide, it hurts to lie to everyone there.

Before your mom cuts the cake for you as she usually did, you grab the knife and cut a big slice of cake for Ellie. “Can we open the gifts?” you ask loudly to everyone, knowing that way your parents wouldn’t make you wait more.

Everyone’s eating cake, sitting on the couches in the living room, most men in the room staring up, Ellie sitting besides you on the floor and offering you to open the gifts to “help you” but you know she’s just gossiping.

Whenever you didn’t like a gift you’d look at Ellie and she’s look back at you, like you could communicate with each other just with your eyes. She’d laugh and pass you another gift.

If you did like a gift then she’d take it from you and would stare at every detail of it. She’d separate discreetly the ones you liked from the ones you didn’t, she’d usually keep those or Insist you on selling them online.

However the more gifts you opened the more anxious you got. “Where’s your gift el?” you whispered as your mom passed you another gift, that seemed to be the last one. But it was way to small to be from Ellie “mine goes last, open that one, come on”

And so you did, it was a set of some pink pijamas, and the moment you opened them you turned your face at Ellie, she was already laughing “Shut up”

“Wait, there one more” you heard your mom speaking as she walked to the kitchen. Everyone looked at her, waiting to see what it was.

She returned with a big rectangular canvas. Did she just made a huge fucking painting for me? you thought, looking back at Ellie who seemed clearly nervous.

“I’ll give you the letter later, I didn’t want to get exposed in front of your whole family” she whispers

You take the canvas and turn it around. It was a portrait of a picture she took of you the day she asked you to date. It was so detailed, so colorful and just so right. You showed it proudly to your family. Everyone cheered Ellie and you couldn’t help but smile at the sight of her shy face, her cheeks covered in blush as she looked at her fingers, just as she did whenever she felt nervous. Your friends making fun of Ellie and you for being so “adorable” as you heard them say.

And the rest of the night Ellie just stood close to you, listening to everyone share all the fun memories and stories they had with you. She shared ridiculous things she’d lived with you, making you cover your face ashamed. But also making you laugh as she always did.

And you couldn’t be more grateful at the end of the day because finally, for one whole day you could finally be happy again, you didn’t felt pressured or anxious or sad or overwhelmed at all, and you were with everyone you loved. You could finally go, you were just waiting for living one happy moment in your life before you took such an important decision, and this was it. Today had been all you’ve ever wished for.

So when everyone left and your parents stayed cleaning you could only feel peacefulness overcoming your body. You went to your room and laid on your bed, Ellie was still there. She had to give you her letter and you couldn’t leave without reading it.

The big canvas was already in your room, right next to your bed. You were cuddling her as you read the letter.

“Happy birthday baby. I hope this year can be different, I hope you can get better, I hope you can be happier, and I hope I’m still here every day to see you smile more and more.

I remember starting the painting and regretting immediately because it was gonna take so long and I’m lazy as fuck. But I made it :)

I had to lie to you many times and tell you Joel needed my help with some stuff just so I could finish it, hope you didn’t get mad at it.

I’ve been noticing you off lately, but if I’m honest I’m too scared to ask. But you know you can always tell me anything, I’ll always understand and I’ll always listen, no judgment.

I’m proud of you for making it another year, and I’m the happiest person ever because I have you and I’m watching you try again and again. I know you’ll get better.

I still remember how nervous I was when I asked you to date, I can’t stop thinking about it lately, maybe it’s because of the painting? but I feel the same even after dating you for years, too cliche for you make me feel the butterflies on the stomach, a lot.

I’m glad we’ve got to grow up together, I can’t imagine this life without you. The other day you told me about this, about reincarnation and soulmates, I don’t believe on it, but if it’s real I’ll make sure I’m with you always. I promise.

I can’t wait for your birthday, I wanna see your reaction and I’m containing so much for not telling you already what it is. If you’re reading this then I didn’t regret writing you this or you found it without me noticing like you did last year, don’t do that again pls :(

Anyway, I want you to know that you’re the fucking best, the prettiest girl ever and I love you so fucking much.

Ellie :)”

She saw how you folded the letter, looking at your face for any response “I love you so fucking much too” you moved your head slightly up so you could properly kiss her. You’ve never kissed her so much in one day, you also wished you would.

She stares back at you, with those puppy eyes you love so much, and her dumb smile now a bit shiny due to the kiss.

Her hand moves to your neck, pressing your head on top of her chest. Her other hand moved to the puffy pink blanket that you had in your bed, moving it up to cover both of your bodies. Your hand moves on top of of her tattoo, caressing it softly with your thumb.

And before you realize you two fall asleep, not knowing how your life’s were about to change in less than twenty four hours.

Maybe it was the anxiety coming back but you woke up earlier than usual. You slowly removed Ellie’s arms from yours, placing them over your pillows.

You stood there for some minutes, just staring at her, at her gift next to your bed. Were you being selfish?

You slowly walked towards your desk, picking the letters and placing them on top of it so everyone could see them easily, you also placed your phone on top of them. This was it.

You hated yourself for not waiting for Ellie to leave, for making her see it and be there, but you had waited enough already.

You walked quietly and slowly to the bed, placing Ellie’s letter besides her. Then you walked to the bathroom, locking yourself in it just in case anyone woke up and went to look for you.

You regretted not taking your phone with you, maybe some music would help.

You slowly remove your clothes. You hear the water run. There’s so thoughts on your head right now.

You don’t even realize but the cuts are already there, making the blood run all over the tub and covering your body with it. Your eyes close and the only sound echoing in your ears is your own breathing.

This is nothing like what you’ve done before, this is it.

“Dear loved Ellie. El, Els

I love you so much, don’t ever forget it, don’t ever doubt it. I’m always gonna be with you and I promise, I swear that we’ll meet again. Please read this first before you do anything else. I’m probably not in bed right now, I knew you would stay, don’t panic.

Ever since you know me I’ve been sad, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I told you how I remember mas past lives when we were younger, remember? and you just laughed at me, but I want you to believe it this time. And I want you to never forget me, I want you to meet me again, in another universe where I’m happy and we can get to live anything we didn’t lived here.

I waited just for you, I tried my best, I promised myself I would only try once, and if I failed then I would take it as a signal to say, but I can’t.

Your jokes, your laugh, your pretty face, the songs you played for me with your guitar, you made me stay and try so many times, but I gave up.

I can’t live lifte this forever, and it hurts me deeply to leave you, because you don’t deserve this and I don’t want to leave, but the pain I feel every day is bigger than what I want.

It’s not your fault, it’s no one’s fault actually.

You told me that whenever I could say things out loud I should write them, but never keep them just for myself, and so I’m doing it right now, hoping you, Dina, Jesse, my mom, my dad, my family, you all understand. I know you will.

I want you to find someone else to make happy, some one that’s worth your fucking amazing and pretty self, someone else that truly deserves your time and your jokes, and your songs on your guitar. Someone that stays with you forever.

I feel so ashamed, I just couldn’t say to anyone out loud how tired I felt, how badly I wanted to die. How my first and kiss though if the day was death, how exhausted I feel every day for no reason. I can’t tell you that the moment you leave I feel overwhelmed again, I feel weak and alone. I just can’t.

I also wanna thank you for being with me every time, for teaching me how to live, for not giving up on me and for being always with me.

I remember the first time we kissed, the first time we slept with each other, how shy you got after that and how much you wanted to tell me but couldn’t so I found out by reading your diary. How mad you got for me reading it but how much you thanked me once we did it. I remember every single one of our dates. I remember the first time you talked to me and I talked to you, the first time you slept and my house and the first time I slept at yours. I never forgot anything, I won’t ever forget.

I remember how you told me you wanted to go to college just so you could work and make us my dreamed house, with an art studio for both of us and a room to have many cats. How you told me that you didn’t want any kids but since you dated me you could only think of having a cute baby that looked just like me. How you got mad when I told you I wanted my last name to go first.

And I want you to live that with someone that’s really worth it.

I’m so sorry for making you stay with me for so long, for making you waist your best years of adolescence and childhood trying to cure me and my sadness. And I’m sorry I’m leaving you like this. But I know you’ll understand.

Words cannot express how much I adore you, how happy you made me, how much I’m in love with you.

Please forgive me.

I swear we’ll meet again, I swear I won’t leave you again, I swear I’ll stay.”

She woke up your parents, your dad unlocked the door. They couldn’t take it.

Now they didn’t understand. Why would you do this? Why didn’t you tell anyone? Did you ever asked for help and they didn’t notice?

Why?

Ellie was too broken to cry. She wanted to look at you but her eyes could only stay at your wrists. She could never forget.

Your parents were on their knees, unable to think, unable to move, just crying.

And so was Ellie. She couldn’t believe just a couple of hours ago she was cuddling with you and now you were gone. How did that even work? There could never exist something more terrifying that your parents sobs. Should she leave? Should she stay?

Should she even try anymore?

She felt so much anger, so much desperation and anxiety in her body. She was so shocked she couldn’t do anything else than stare.

You were gone, forever.

It’s been just a month since you died. She’s been unable to move from her bed, not wanting to eat, not wanting to sleep, feeling dead. She’s been reading your letter nonstop, over and over again, almost memorizing it already.

And your parents? Your family? They’re all broken, how could any of this even happen?

Your funeral was shocking for everyone. Everything had happened so fast, in less then a week, just right after your birthday.

Did you really had to do this?

Everyone felt so sick, for not knowing, for not saying a proper last goodbye to you, for not giving you a proper gift, for not taking enough pictures and videos of you, for not speaking to you enough that last day. For not noticing snd for not helping you.

And Ellie could only hope that she’ll meet you again as you always assured her. That all this pain will disappear eventually. That the love she feel for you would actually help her.

“Me and you were meant to be in love. I see the signs of a lifetime, you ‘til I die”

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sea-changed · 6 months ago

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i. Reading Looking For The Good War has, among many other things, I think really helped me to clarify and articulate what I find so disquieting about "Points" as an episode. (Which is not all of it! There are certainly plenty of scenes that I find fascinating and/or enjoyable to watch.) But:

"It is much easier to tell a sentimental war story with a happy ending, in which valor eclipses causes and reconciliation triumphs over everything--a comedy, in other words--than it is to tell another, unsentimental kind of story." (page 89)

This is what it is, exactly--"in which valor eclipses causes and reconciliation triumphs over everything" could more or less be the logline of "Points." This is most egregiously evident to me in the scene of Nazi general's surrender, but the scene where Winters tells the Nazi officer to keep his sidearm is also I think highly indicative of this drive towards reconciliation, however rotten, above all else. And Samet articulates that wonderfully, and articulates as well the cost of this type of narrative:

"Yet sentimentality does more than shape the way we commemorate wars. It informs all those cultural and sociological attitudes in the shadow of which wartime and postwar policies are crafted, and it prevents a more productive and enduring sympathy that, in cooperation with reason, might guide our actions and help us become more careful readers of war's many ambiguities and false seductions." (page 83)

ii. The layers of dislike I have for the Nazi general scene are manifold; the mirroring of Winters and the Nazi general and thereby Easy Company with the Nazi soldiers feels incredibly sinister, perhaps most aggressively so in its weird push to rehabilitate the Nazis as soldiers, and thus to both foreshadow (within the world of the show) and echo (in the world of the audience) the archetypal defense that Nazi higher-ups would put forward at Nuremberg and beyond, that they were just following orders.

iii. The mirroring of Winters and Easy Company with the Nazis is clearly intentional, and somewhat bizarrely explicit ("You've found in one another a bond that exists only in combat among brothers") and maudlin (the panning shots over the Nazi soldiers' faces and wounds), and by the end the urge to parallel the two leaders and the two armies--indeed, to collapse one into the other, in order to make them functionally the same--seems to cause a sort of scriptwriting amnesia about who these words are actually being said by and to. Once again the greater historic context makes this especially chilling, Operation Paperclip being perhaps the most salient point to evoke. (I am also haunted, forever, by a statistic that Michael C. C. Adams cites in The Best War Ever, that a September 1945 survey of American GIs found that 22% believed the Nazi treatment of Jewish people to be justified. Granted, this survey would not have been taken using modern sampling methods, and who knows what the sample size was to begin with or what soldiers in particular were being surveyed. But still.)

iv. The scene leans heavily into the idea of a unique soldierly bond that unites not only each individual army within itself but bonds the two armies together. ("You've found in one another a bond that exists only in combat, among brothers who've shared foxholes, held each other in dire moments, who've seen death and suffered together.") Besides being disquieting for reasons I state above, I think it's notable that the Nazi general's speech emphasizing the brotherhood of soldiers happens directly after the short scene between Winters and Sobel, wherein Winters chides Sobel on a point of military ritual ("We salute the rank, not the man"). Sobel is outside the brotherhood; he doesn't understand how to be a soldier; whereas the Nazis are within the brotherhood, so much so that they are allowed to articulate its terms. (This is egregious no matter what, but becomes all the more so when it is framed as a Jewish man being excluded from the "club" of military brotherhood while WASP Americans and literal Nazis are allowed in.) (Meanwhile, Liebgott occupies a sort of bizarre placement in this scene, there to ventriloquize--indeed, perhaps neutralize, or even legitimize--the Nazi general's words, but not speak for himself.)

v. This gets to another point that Samet makes that stuck out to me, about the inherent tautology of military culture. She quotes William Styron, who in a 1964 review of General Douglas MacArthur's memoir said:

"Anyone who has lived as a stranger for any length of time among professional military men, especially officers, is made gradually aware of something that runs counter to everything one has been taught to believe—and that is that most of these men, far from corresponding to the liberal cliché of the super-patriot, are in fact totally lacking in patriotism. They are not unpatriotic, they simply do not understand or care what patriotism is. [...] A true military man is a mercenary [...] and it is within the world of soldiering that he finds his only home." (Samet quotes Styron on page 233; I'm quoting here from the full review)

The point of being a soldier is to be a soldier; the point of the military is to have a military. She also has this to say--especially saliently, I think, for obvious reasons--about Ambrose, and his perspective specifically in Citizen Soldiers:

"By means of emphasis and convenient omission, Ambrose preserves his focus on unity, not division; right, not wrong; liberation, not subjugation. Paradoxically, given that he makes so much of American idealism, he often subordinates a consideration of causes altogether to a veneration for the magnificence of the army itself. The creation of that army, rather than the victory it made possible, becomes 'the great achievement of the American people and system,' just as the nation's 'greatest nineteenth-century achievement' had been, according to Ambrose, 'the creation of the Army of the Potomac' rather than the end it eventually secured--the abolition of chattel slavery." (page 46)

Here we are back to the first Samet quote from above: valor eclipses causes and reconciliation triumphs over everything. To be a military man--to be part of the club, the brotherhood, the "bond that exists only in combat"--is to "subordinate a consideration of causes altogether to a veneration for the magnificence of the army itself." The country and the cause that the Nazi general and his soldiers fought "bravely, proudly" for become sublimated, while that bravery and pride, stripped of more specific meaning, is extolled. What matters, by the time this scene happens--and it's the last scene in the core section of the episode, followed only by the close of the frame structure with Winters and Nixon and then the baseball scene-cum-epilogue--is not the American cause that Easy Company was fighting for, and certainly not the Nazi atrocities they were fighting against, but rather a reconciliation that views the experience of war as preeminently important. Sobel, who did not experience combat, is dismissed; the Nazi general, who did, is legitimated.

vi. And that, I think, is the core of the message that Band of Brothers promotes. Fandom often refers to the show in passing as propaganda, but I'm not sure that really gets to the heart of what it is, in the end, saying. I would suggest that it's not merely propaganda; it's a recruitment poster. It's not selling truth, justice, and the American way (or if it is, it's doing so only incidentally); it's selling the experience of being in the military as a transformative and ultimately positive one, that unites (a certain subset of) men through the unique crucible of battle, beyond any concerns about what, exactly, one is fighting for. So long as you know when and how to salute, you too can be a part of the brotherhood.

vii. All of which gets back to the scene earlier in "Points," when the Nazi colonel surrenders to Winters. The colonel first makes the explicit parallel between the Nazis and the Americans, and between himself and Winters in particular: "I wonder what will happen to us, to people like you and me, when there are finally no more wars to occupy us." He serves to explicate here more or less exactly what I was saying above: he sees himself and Winters united as military men, above and beyond their particular countries and causes.

Winters doesn't look thrilled about the comparison--but then almost immediately tells the Nazi colonel to retain his surrendered sidearm. I suppose this is supposed to read as magnanimous and fair-minded on Winters's part, but it also serves to reinforce the Nazi colonel's own words, validating the colonel's prioritization of their shared military positions above and beyond their allegiance to the countries and ideologies they were (at least nominally!) fighting for. As the scene itself shows, giving up a sidearm is an expected part of the surrender process, both practically and symbolically; by refusing it Winters is stepping outside military precedent--indeed, bending over backwards--to help the Nazi colonel retain dignity as well as firepower. On its own it is, I think, a frustrating and uncomfortable scene; in the broader context of the episode it sets up and reinforces the Nazi general's speech later on and the ways that Winters and the show itself find meaning in paralleling and reconciling the Americans and the Nazis with one other. (The Nazi colonel knows how to salute; and when he does so, Winters salutes him back.)

viii. Of course it's historically true that American soldiers tended to identify with German soldiers and civilians much more than they identified with people from Allied countries, as Samet herself and even the veteran interviews at the beginning of "Why We Fight" document. (And I don't believe that paralleling the Americans and the Nazis is necessarily something to be dismissed out of hand.) But because the end of "Points" is so overtly sentimental, paralleling the Americans and Nazis serves not as an indictment of American soldiers' amorality but rather as a rehabilitation of the Nazi soldiers and officers as soldiers and a paean to military culture divorced from meaning or cause. As Samet says--"valor eclipses causes and reconciliation triumphs over everything." The military, as an institution, whether it be American or Nazi, becomes the greater good of the war; while the causes those militaries were fighting for become not only secondary, but recede entirely.

#this is less 'notes for an essay i'm never going to write' and more 'working through my own feelings (with citations)'#band of brothers #wwii #according to the tumblr draft datestamp i started writing this almost three weeks ago #and it feels like there has been an uptick in discussion of ''points'' since then which this was written largely separately from #so if i seem to be over-explaining some of my points that is probably why #(that said if i am under-explaining any of my points i would be happy to get into it more as well)

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