#so like yk I was nearly [radio static noises] over talking to my therapist abt the young csa thing and I’m meant to be starting emdr tomorr | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

vampirebutterflies · 1 year ago

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listen ‘ere boy there is a voice in ur head telling u ur fine and you don’t need to go to therapy tomorrow and that voice is a f u c k i n g liar don’t listen to it boy don’t fuckin’ listen to that rat ass bastard it does NOT have ur best interests at heart

#vent in tags etc etc #aim losing my mind over here #it’s fine #see the thing is I’m so deeply lacking in like. the emotions edition of object permanence. I can have a massively heartbreaking reaction to #smth and then once I’m out of that moment and even slightly distracted it’s like nothing ever happened ??#so like yk I was nearly [radio static noises] over talking to my therapist abt the young csa thing and I’m meant to be starting emdr tomorr #tomorrow* except like for the past two weeks I’ve overall been fine regarding that?? instead it’s the ed and other traumas flaring up so ??#idk how Specific emdr is I honestly don’t know much about it yet but like yk now I’m wondering if I should delay starting that in favour of #talking about the other badtimes tm rearing their heads atm. todays in particular was unexpected it happened this morning and it’s only just #like. hit me and started biting and it’s ?? also dumb cuz like on one hand I’m pretty okay but on the other hand the other half of my brain #is spiralling hysterically to the point where I’m very glad I’m already in bed and like I know [redacted] won’t help but it’s like my brain #is just so lost about how to hold these things and what to do at all so it’s just pulling out the bad coping mechanism and insistently #thrusting it in my lap and waving its arms like it wasn’t even That Bad tm of a situation today but it Was some very specific factors which #are holding hands with Other specific factors and then The Location Of The Events is just #yea okay maybe I will talk to her abt this / these things instead if I can #ah the joys of heavy personal responsibility at a very young age and the severe guilt that gets bred from that and the fantastic experience #of things being so far out of your control and almost destined to fail and the absolute wonder of The Actual Person(s) To Blame Having No #Consequences For Their Actions and ending up feeling like you failed and you’re a complete fraud cuz no good you do will make up for that #one situation and yeah okay I’m gonna go sleep #ugh

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