#so ive been studying for exams for over a month and my last exam was this friday but next week a 2 week practical is already starting

[tkbrokkoli]

weird times weurd times wird times

[depthnessingsweet]

It just feels obligatory that i come on here to say shit no one reads lol idek what i ranted about last time

[youuthh]

happy birthday baby. i hope you're happy and healthy. i hope your exams are going well. i hope you're enjoying whatever you're doing. i hope you dont hate me but if you do, i understand. im not very likable. my exams got over today but i dont feel happy or lightweight. all i can think of is you. when you'll be back. whether you'll be back. whether u like me anymore. and if you dont then why. you're all that's been on my mind the last 5 months. yeah, 5 months since we last talked. 5 months since ive woken up without a "GOOD MORNING MY LOVE" text and gone to sleep without a "good night baby, i love you" text. 5 months since ive spent my days just waking up, going to school, studying, spending some time online and going to sleep. all without you. i know you didnt hate me the last time we talked but it kills me to know that if you do now, i'll never know. i hope you dont though. i really do. i hope one day ill wake up again to your text first thing in the morning. i hope one day i can go to bed with a smile on my face instead of tears. i know im being dramatic and you said you'd be back, but 5 months without you has been nothing but pure hell. i miss you baby. so fucking much. and i love you, now and always. and if you have decided u hate me but you change your mind someday please remember i'll be right here, waiting for you. no matter how many times my friends tell me to move on, i'll be waiting. for you.

[bronz3y]

Anxious Love - Georgia Stanway

A/N

Hi everyone!, welcome to a new story I’ve been thinking about for the last few weeks, This is going to be a multi part story, so it’s gonna be quite long :)

If you guys have any questions of suggestions for the story, please feel free to pop a message in my inbox x

this character (Alex) ,ive written is very similar to my experiences of dealing with diagnosed anxiety, which has changed my life, not everyones experience is the same x

word count: 3k

warnings: mentions of anxiety

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Chapter 1 

“Can I have a caramel frappe please?” the Starbucks cashier nods at Alexandra, leaving after taking Ellas order as well.

Alexandra and Ella have been best friends since they were 5 years old, Ella was the more outgoing one of the two, she enjoyed going outside and getting all muddy playing football. It was, and still is Ella's passion. Alexandra on the other hand was the more relaxed of the two, she enjoyed playing her guitar, drawing, and watching football, she wasn't very sporty at a young age, which has now changed, but she preferred watching football more than actually playing it.  Ever since Ella joined her youth team, Alex had been watching football religiously, always making sure to be there and support her best friend, and also by never missing a single match of her favourite team, Arsenal WFC.

 Alex and Ella had always planned on going to the same university together, Alex secured her spot at the university of Manchester by getting the grades she needed to study sports psychology, and Ella got her ticket in by earning her scholarship to play for Manchester university.

The two girls sat down at the star bucks, sipping on their cold drinks, even though it was december.

“God im so done with that one girl in my class, she has to make a comment about every point the lecturer mentions, like just shush man” Ella groans, shaking her head

“How does she even have the balls to speak in front of like a hundred people, that actually baffles me” Alex laughs.

“Anyways, me and the girls are probably gonna go out tomorrow night, a bunch of them are here in Manchester for a couple of days for some event” Ella tells Alex with a look in her eyes.

“Ella, don't even bother trying, i have an exam in a couple of weeks, if you want me to one day become your sports psych you need to let me study” Alex laughs shaking her head.

“Alex!, it's one bloody night man, you can leave your books behind to shag a girl” Ella wiggles her eyebrows.

Alex's jaw drops and Ella has to put a hand over her mouth to keep her laughter at bay.

“Ella!, oh my god you already know i don't do hookups” Alex huffs as Ella rolls her eyes at her best friend's words.

“Come on you can at least kiss one, just come and have some fun, you can make some friends besides me” Ella laughs

“Excuse me, i do have other friends” Alex huffs

“Lex, you and I both know that's a fat lie” Ella says after taking a sip of her drink.Alex looks down at her hands, knowing that her best friend's words are true.

“Hey, don't worry, if you come this weekend, you'll make some for sure, you just gotta put in a bit of effort, which is actually coming,” Ella says smiling sadly.

Alex looks down at her empty cup, nodding at Ellas words.

“Fine, I'll come, for once you're actually right about something Toone” Alex laughs

Ella rolls her eyes, “Whatever man, come on, let's go home and get warm, I'm freezing after this bloody drink” Ella shivers.

The two girls walk out of the starbucks together, laughing about some meme Ella saw on her phone. Once they got back to their shared apartment they began doing some chores around the house, Alex cleaning the living room and Ella preparing the dinner since it was her turn that night.

A couple hours later, Alex was relaxing on the couch after completing all her chores for the day and Ella was finishing up their dinner, which was some pesto pasta, made from scratch since Alessia had taught Ella a few months ago.

As Ella was pouring the pasta in two plates, the sound of her phone ringing echoed through the house.

“hello?..Georgia hi!”

Georgia Stanway, Alex has heard about her a few times, Ella and Georgia had met a couple years ago in one of the England youth camps, the same place where she met Alessia, who she knows well, Georgia on the other hand, she hasn't met yet.

Ella always mentioned that she was funny and very talented in football, Alex had only seen Georgia in some instagram posts Ella made while in football camp or when she would go out with her football friends, Georgia went to another uni about half an hour from Manchester most weekends they would meet up, sometimes Ella would get a train with Alessia to them, or they would get the train to Manchester, which is what was happening this weekend. Ella had also told her that Georgia went to uni with a couple other football girls Ella had mentioned to her, Leah and Lotte.

“Oh yeah, i know a good bar we can go to…no, G we are not getting a maccies, we are all gonna go to a nice restaurant before we go to the bar” Ella laughs into her phone, rested between her shoulder and her ear as she brings the two plates of pesto pasta to the table.

“Mhm, oh and by the way, i actually convinced Alex to come, she's not too thrilled though” Ella laughs as Alex shoots her a death stare.

“Alright G im gonna have dinner now but ill message all the details on the group alright?, okay, bye!” Ella hangs up and puts her phone down, replacing it with a fork.

“This pesto better be good, it took me 2 bloody hours man”

Friday 

Friday came around quickly,  Alex was in the apartment finishing off some notes since she had the afternoon off, but her peaceful silence was interrupted by Ella barging through the front door.

“Alex!, its time to find you a cute outfit for tonight” Ella sang as she entered Alex’s room, rummaging through her wardrobe.

“Ella!, its still 5:30 in the afternoon” Alex groaned

“We need time to get you all glammed up, now, what are we feelin’, a polo with jeans?, this one's very nice” Ella pulls out a navy blue Ralph Lauren polo with some white pants to match the white logo.

“Yeah alright, thats nice” Alex nods her head, ella smiles and puts the outfit on her bed

“Ok, hair, do you want me to iron it?” Ella suggests

It takes them both a couple hours to get ready, after a few arguments over Ella almost burning Alex’s ear with the straightener, they are about to leave their apartment. After parking Ellas car, they start to walk to the Italian restaurant Ella had booked.

Alex felt quite nervous about meeting more of Ellas football friends since she didn't play herself, her anxiety had risen a bit on the way to the restaurant, but she reminded herself that Ella was with her and that she already knew Alessia. Alex exhales as they approach the door.

As the two girls walk in they scan the restaurant and see the rest of the girls sat down, Alessia sees them and waves. 

“Hey girls, nice outfits” Alessia gets up and gives them both a warm hug, Ella then sits down next to Alessia.

Alex then looks for a seat and sees the only one free is next to Georgia.

“Mind if I sit here?” Alex says, Georgia looks up at her and smiles.

“Of course, there's nowhere else after all,” Georgia laughs.

“You're so stupid” Alex thinks to herself as she sits down next to georgia.

Lotte, Leah and Georgia introduce themselves to Alex, they all seem lovely girls, just how Ella had described them.

“So Alex, what are you studying?” Leah asks as the waiter brings their drinks.

“I'm studying sports psychology” Alex replies shyly

“Oh nice, are you enjoying it?” Georgia looks at Alex, Alex smiles at her

“Oh yeah, i've always been interested in it, and plus, i can make sure El has no more screws loose” Alex jokes.

“Oi!, all my screws are tight thank you very much” Ella huffs, rolling her eyes at leah commenting on how that's a lie.

As the rest of the girls are talking to each other, Alex and Georgia are eating their meals in a slightly awkward silence.

“What about you? What are you studying?” Alex asks to continue the conversation.

“Oh um, nothing special, just accounting, i wanna focus on football as much as i can so i didn't want to study something hard” Georgia says shrugging.

“That makes sense, you must be pretty good if you're planning to make it pro” Alex smiles at her.

“I guess so, thankfully i have football, i've never been a smart person” Georgia laughs.

As the dinner went on Georgia and Alex got to know each other, from life plans to favourite animals, and before they knew it, they were going to head out to the club Ella had mentioned. The girls paid the bill and soon enough they exited the restaurant into the cold night, the club was only a five minute walk from the restaurant, so they got to the entrance pretty fast.

As the girls entered the club, Alex was already overwhelmed, she hated being squished to sweaty men, the smell of cigarettes and weed, she hated all of it.

As the girls found a booth they all sat down, Ella announces that she’ll get the first round of shots. Alex rests her head on the table on her arms, trying hard to control the anxiety she feels, the familiar fatigue in her stomach increasing. “No” Alex thinks, “i need this, i need friends”

she balls her hands into a fist, she sits up and takes a breath, none of the girls notice, except Georgia, Alex can feel her looking at her from the corner of her eye.

“Alright, everyone take one” Ella announces as she comes back with a tray of shots, Alex grabs one and quickly downs it before she can overthink it.

Half an hour later, the girls had gone to dance, Alex insisted she was not a dancer and would much rather stay at the booth, as she does, she sees georgia dancing with the rest of the girls, her freckles and beauty spots being hit perfectly by the dramatic lights of the club, her pearly white teeth had been showing ever since she entered the crowd and started dancing to the rhythm of the overplayed songs.

Alex hadn't dated anyone before, her shy personality in highschool made everyone think she was weird, thankfully, she'd slowly grown out of it as she grew up, acting more like herself.

Alex had always known she fancied girls, she had never really had a crush on any boys, one time when Ella and Alex were 12, Ella had asked her if she had a crush on anyone, Alex replied with the first boy that came to her mind, but she never liked any of them, she just wanted to fit in, like Ella did, she did one time ask a girl out at 15, but she rejected her and made fun of her for liking girls, from then on the rumours started and everyone knew her as “the lesbian”, from then forward is when the anxiety started.

Alex snapped out of her trance when she noticed that Georgia was looking back at her, Alex quickly looked down, but then looked back up again, to see Georgia's eyes still on her.

Alex suddenly felt a presence behind her, or more so smelt,.

“Hey beautiful” a deep raspy voice mumbled behind her, Alex could smell the alcohol on the man's breath without fully turning around, Alex then felt hands on her waist, she froze, tensing as the man continued talking to her.

“Oi fuck off will ya?” Alex saw someone shove the guy off her, Alex could feel her chest tightening, making it harder to breathe, Georgia then appeared in front of her.

“Alex?, ya alright?” Georgia said quietly.

“I ca..i cant breathe” Alex manages to speak.

“Shall I take you outside?” Georgia suggests, Alex nodded at her words.

Georgia puts her arm around Alex’s shoulder, guiding her to the club's exit, as they leave the club, Georgia finds a bench and sits Alex down.

“Alex, breathe in and out, slowly” Georgia crouches in front of Alex, showing her how to do it. Alex nods and does as she says.

“Good, you're ok, you're safe” Georgia whispers, Alex nods, a couple tears running down her cheeks.

“Oh god” Alex breathes out when she can speak

“You alright?” Georgia says, sitting down next to Alex, a worried look on her face.

Alex nods at her words, resting her head back onto the bench.

“What that guy did is fucking horrible, touching you like that without asking” georgia says angrily.

“My anxiety got so bad, sorry you had to see that” Alex looks down

“Hey, there's nothing to apologise for, I'm glad I got there when I did” Georgia smiles, putting a hand on Alex’s shoulder.

“Thank you for that, i shouldn't need someone to do that, i should be able to tell the person to fuck off myself” Alex says, playing with her ring.

“No Alex, it's not your fault, not everyone is like that, some people go into shock, like you, and some people punch or shove them away, like me” Georgia says softly, Alex nods at her words.

“I dont think im gonna go back in there” Alex shakes her head.

“I can take you home if you want” Georgia suggests Alex

Alex shakes her head, “Georgia, there's no need, seriously i-”

“Alex, I don't mind, I promise, and plus your house is like 20 minutes walking from here right?” Alex nods at Georgia's question.

“Alright, Ella told me that the place me and the girls are staying in is close to your accommodation anyways” Georgia smiles.

They both get up from the bench and begin to walk towards Alex and Ellas place. As they did so, there was a comfortable silence between the two girls, apart from the sound of cars driving by them and the occasional group of teens passing by. but Georgia's voice interrupted the silence.

“Hey, sorry if this is too much to ask but, I saw that when we first sat down, you looked really stressed out, were ya alright?” Georgia fidgeted with her coat zipper as she asked.

“No,no it's alright, I saw that you noticed, it's just i'm not a big fan of these things, going out to clubs and getting really drunk” Alex shrugged.

“It gives me a lot of anxiety, but i don't have any friends besides Ella, sure i had like 2 more back home, but i've been to uni for a couple months and i only have el, i need to make more friends” Alex looked down ashamed. 

“Hey, you've already made one” Georgia smiles at Alex, gently bumping into her, Alex smiles back at her, but it quickly fades.

“I just feel like shit,I don't want Ella to feel like she only needs to hang with me, she has you guys, and a couple other friends she's met here” Alex explains.

“I understand, i'm always here if you need anyone to hang out, if you want to of course i know i can be much sometimes” Georgia rants, Alex shakes her head.

“I'd really like that, don't feel forced to, i know you already have your own friends” Alex says

“There's nothing wrong with making more” Georgia says shyly

After a couple more minutes of walking and their hands grazing every once in a while, Alex and Georgia arrived at Alex’s and Ella’s home.

“This is me” Alex says, stopping at her apartment building door, Georgia stands in front of Alex.

“Thank you, for tonight, you didn't have to see me like that, im s-”

“Alex.” Georgia says sternly, “i wanted to, i know you needed someone with you”

“Thank you” Alex says softly, smiling at Georgia.

“Any time” Georgia smiles back, before Alex could walk away, Georgia spoke up.

“Hey, would you maybe want to go get a coffee tomorrow afternoon?” Georgia asks shyly

“I'm not too busy tomorrow, but if I finish my studying, I'd like to,” Alex smiles at georgia.

“Great!, erm what time works best for ya?” Georgia cringes internally at her excitement.

“any time after 5, is 5:30 ok?” Alex suggests.

“Mhm, perfect, i'm not really doing anything tomorrow, just training in the morning” Georgia laughed.

“Stanway and her football” Alex shakes her head, Georgia giggles at her words.

“Well if it wasn't for football i wouldn't be here, gotta keep it up eh?” Georgia rambled, Alex nodded with a “that's true” expression.

“Well, I should head in, it's getting late” Alex says softly.

“Yeah same, gotta get some sleep before training” Georgia mumbles.

“Goodnight, stanway, thank you for tonight” Alex mentions it again, she wants to make sure Georgia knows she's not taking what the girl had done for granted, no one has calmed her down that quick before.

“Of course Alex, i'll help ya as many times as you need while I'm with you” Georgia smiles, her cheeks slightly red due to the cold, or at least that's what Alex thought in her head.Alex then walks closer to Georgia, wrapping her arms around her, it took Georgia a second to hug her back, not expecting it, Georgia hugged her back tightly, after a couple of seconds, they parted, smiling at eachother.

“Goodnight stanway” Alex whispered.

“Goodlight Lex,” Georgia smiled.

As alex walked up to her door to unlock it, she looked back, watching Georgia walk away, she smiled to herself and let herself inside, once she got into her apartment, she prepared herself a tea, it always helped her calm down after an anxious day, once Alex had sat down, sipping on her tea catching up on her series, her phone vibrated.

“Georgia Stanway has followed you”

“Accept”

“You are now following Georgia Stanway”

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hope you all enjoyed the first chapter! :) x

[humanpurposes]

My Heart Belongs to Daddy, part iv, modern!Aemond

Series Masterlist // Main Masterlist // For fear that you'll find out, how I'm imagining you

modern!Aemond x step-daughter

Warnings: 18+, smut, cursed dinner party, toxic family dynamics, Targaryen men being the worst

Words: 5700

A/n: Also available to read on AO3. And I made a Series Playlist :)

Over the last two months, finishing her thesis, taking exams, sending off masters applications and keeping track of a boyfriend has left little room in her mind for Aemond Targaryen.

For the last month or so she’s hardly even seen him. On the weekdays she gets up early and spends all day in the library. On the weekends she goes to Cregan’s place in central. He goes to the gym with Jace on Saturday morning and on Sundays he usually has a rugby match. Between that they watch movies in his room, go for drinks with his friends and sometimes she drags him around her favourite museums. 

The sex is good. For a bulky guy with a nose piercing and sleeve tattoos of wolves and weirwood trees, Cregan is surprisingly gentle. He makes her cum on his tongue, then he leans over to fuck her with his hands pressed into the mattress, looking between her eyes and the space where their bodies meet. He doesn’t say much, a few strained “oh Gods” and a grunted “fuck” when he comes. When they’re done he falls into the bed beside her, throwing an arm around her while he rambles about whatever happens to be on his mind, exams, internships, summer plans…

She’s happy to rest her head against him, listening to the humming of his chest as he speaks, letting it lull her as she slips into her own mind. Sometimes she still feels a little empty when it’s over and doesn’t have the energy to go for another round. She puts it down to stress. Or hormones. Or something. 

Now, being on the other side of everything she realises time is passing too quickly for her liking. 

Joan Jett blasts through the car speakers while Alys and Cregan go on about the season finale of some drama series she’s not kept up with.

Alys loves Cregan. Everyone loves Cregan because he’s a people person. He speaks to everyone he meets like they’re already lifelong friends and he has a remarkable talent for finding common interests. If she were cynical she would say he’s palatable.

The weather has been perfect so far, bright and sunny but with enough of a breeze that the heat isn’t unbearable. Ideal for the graduation ceremony.

She looks through the recent photos in her phone. She took a few nice ones of the Sept, the nave lined with columns and towering statues of the Seven watching over the cohort of students in red and black robes. She keeps swiping through photos of her and some of her classmates on the front steps tossing their hats in the air, a few of her and Joanna, one of her and Cregan, and one of her and Alys. 

Sometimes she thinks she looks nothing like her mother, but when they smile they look strikingly similar.

Everything had paid off in the end, the study dates with Joanna, the all-nighters, the last minute breakdowns crying over the kitchen counter with Alys. But she’s proud that she did it all on her own. Especially given how helpful Aemond had been last year. Just thinking about it makes her heart sink.

He’d been living with them for a few months by then. They were comfortable with each other, existing in the same spaces, eating dinner and watching movies together when Alys was out or working late. 

Sometimes he’d put his arm around the back of the sofa, letting her lean into him while they watched 90s thrillers, leaning into her every so often to make a joke or a profound observation. They could analyse movies forever, staying up late until their eyes were tired, leaning in closer and closer and never really realising it.

And then when exams came around, the stress just got to her. “It’s half the suffering,” Alys insisted, “you’re not doing yourself any favours, so don’t do it.” Easier said than done. 

There was one particular module on Conflicts in the Modern Era that was chipping away at her sanity. It was her last exam of the year and every time she went over her notes she just felt hopeless.

Aemond offered to help her study. He had loads of notes and old assignments on his laptop from his undergrad and his masters. They spent hours in the dining room, going over readings and practice questions.

He would sit next to her, leaning over every so often to read through what she was working on. Every hand on her shoulder, every reassuring “hmm,” or utterance of “good girl,” when she got something right sent shivers down her spine.

She knew it was wrong, but she didn’t exactly want it to stop.

The exam ended up going a lot better than she anticipated. She opened the paper and instantly saw that, by some miracle, there were a few questions similar to the ones she had done with Aemond.

She came home ecstatic. Alys was at work but Aemond was home, loitering in the kitchen. She practically leapt into his arms when she saw him, telling him every detail she could think of with a huge smile on her face.

Aemond’s hands settled on her waist. He leaned into her until all she could see were his bright, blue eyes. “I’m so proud of you baby,” he said in a voice that made her breathless.

He leaned in further until his lips were on hers, soft and warm, kissing her tentatively. She thought it might be over quickly, until she reached up, teasing her fingertips over the nape of his neck while his grip on her waist tightened, pulling her closer, kissing her deeper.

When they pulled away, both a little breathless, he rested his forehead against her and smiled. She smiled back.

But she snaps out of that trance when she realises they’re pulling into the driveway.

She looks across at Alys for a moment, laughing at something Cregan just said.

Her chest feels like it might crush under the weight of it all, but time presses on and things seem to be moving forward for the better. She’s happy with Cregan. Who wouldn’t be? He’s funny, smart, maybe a little over confident at times but she can forgive that. And she’s got the whole summer before she starts her masters. With Cregan in the picture she figured she might as well stay at KLU. He’s been trying to convince her to move in the flat with him. There’s no reason not to, it’s close to campus, his flatmates are nice and they seem to keep the place clean. She keeps saying she’ll think about it.

He reaches for her hand as Alys leads them through the front door.

The house looks immaculate and it fills her with dread. 

Alys has decided to use her graduation as an opportunity to host a family dinner. Maybe she’s intending it to be a grand offering of peace, maybe she just wants to show off, or maybe she’s just lost her mind because putting two halves of a warring family in the same room seems like a disaster waiting to happen. Not to mention she’ll have to introduce everyone to Cregan. 

The dreamy rhythm of a Mazzy Star song drifts from the kitchen. Aemond is leaning over the counter, in a black shirt with his sleeves rolled up, prepping a rack of lamb. She tries not to look at his hands as he takes pinches of salt, pepper and spices between his fingers.

Alys heads straight for the vodka, offering a round of martinis before the dreaded guests arrive.

She and Cregan both decline politely, and when Alys turns to Aemond he purses his lips. “I don’t drink vodka martinis.”

Alys rolls her eyes. “Thinks he’s so sophisticated,” she says to Cregan. 

Cregan chuckles and plants a light kiss to her cheek, muttering about taking a shower and disappears down the hall.

Her eyes meet Aemond’s for a moment. He smiles sincerely. He’s playing one of her favourite songs.

She tells her mother she’s going to get dressed, and feels Aemond’s eyes following her as she heads upstairs.

When she gets to her room she puts her graduation robes on a hanger and lies on the bed in the black slip dress she wore underneath. Something’s pressing awkwardly into her back, Cregan’s jeans and t-shirt. She tosses them across the room and falls back against the mattress, staring at the ceiling and listening to the hum of the shower.

Is it unfair to hate someone for listening to a song? Did he remember it was her favourite or was it a lucky guess? Maybe he was trying to tease her, or else it could have just been a coincidence, but that doesn’t seem like him. Aemond rarely does anything accidentally.

Cregan saunters in with a towel around his hips. He looks down at his clothes on the floor in front of the door. “Not where I left them,” he mutters.

She pretends not to hear him.

He gets dressed quickly, all he has to do is put on his jeans and clean white shirt. 

“How many people are coming tonight?” He asks, spraying some perfume on his pulse points.

She keeps her eyes on the ceiling. “Viserys, Alicent, Rhaenyra, Daemon, Jace, Baela, Aegon and Helaena.” Luke and Rhaena were going to stay home with Joffrey, and Daeron would still be in Sunspear until the end of the month. Just as well, there would already be too many people to keep track of.

“I hear some of the family stuff from Jace,” Cregan says, “sounds like a mess.”

She hums to herself. “Oh, you have no idea.”

She takes her hair out of its low bun and fixes it into a more casual look, leaving it mostly loose but out of her face. Her makeup has managed to survive the day pretty well. She touches up her blush and wipes away her lipstick, applying a sweet tasting cherry lipbalm instead.

When they reappear in the kitchen Alys is nowhere to be found but Aegon and Helaena have already arrived. 

Aegon and Cregan pair up nicely, swigging bottles of beer while Aemond pours out three gin and tonics.

She compliments Helaena’s patterned skirt and red boots. In return she admires her dress. “You two are matching,” she says, as Aemond hands them both their drinks.

He raises his eyebrows and the corners of his mouth are tight. “Happy coincidence.”

“Black’s not exactly a fashion statement,” she adds, taking a sip. 

Aemond hums in agreement.

She takes a breath to relieve the tension in her shoulders. “How are you doing?” She asks Helaena, “didn’t get much of a chance to talk to you at the wedding.”

Helaena’s doing a PhD in Etymology at Highgarden, between that and her various art projects she seems happy, but something’s off. She’s never exactly been outgoing but she seems particularly timid, wide eyes darting constantly to Aemond and Aegon. She’s nervous, but in all fairness they all are. Or they should be.

While Helaena goes on about species of butterflies, she finds her attention almost completely on Aemond, his hand gripping his glass in the corner of her eye, the sound of his breath, those well timed hums and the smell of his aftershave. She takes another sip of her drink to steady her nerves, hoping neither of them notice her hand trembling as she brings the glass to her lips. 

Eventually Alys waltzes in with Rhaenyra, Daemon, Baela and Jace following behind her. That seems like a good opportunity to escape. She goes to hug Jace and Baela, and follows them when they go to stand with Aegon and Cregan. 

The tension is palpable, Alys having a stiff conversation with Rhaenyra, Daemon lurking at the edge of the room with a glass of whisky, and Jace stealing glances over her shoulder, at Aemond and Helaena.

She catches whispers of their conversation but nothing tangible. 

“What’s your problem?” Baela hisses to Jace. 

He tuts. “He’s staring daggers at me, fuck’s sake.”

Aegon’s lips thin. He excuses himself curtly and joins his siblings by the glass doors to the garden. 

Their little group falls to an uneasy silence. 

“Well done, dickhead,” Baela says, rolling her eyes.

Cregan gives her a confused look. She puts her hand on his shoulder and comes onto her tiptoes to whisper in his ear. “I’ll show you the powerpoint presentation later.”

Somehow the mood only gets colder when Viserys and Alicent walk through the door. It’s almost pitiful, watching Rhaenyra and Daemon trying to win his attention while Alicent keeps her hand on her husband’s shoulder, muttering into his ear whenever she can.

Not speaking to Aemond has meant she’s mostly been out of the loop, but she can guess they’ve not moved past the dispute over Viserys’ will.

Helaena and Aegon both go to greet their parents. It’s cordial at best, light hugs and pecks on the cheek, and Viserys shakes Aegon’s hand like this is the first time they’ve met. Aemond doesn’t go near them.

The lack of warmth is only more noticeable when Viserys greets Jace and Baela with open arms and a pleasant smile. He hugs her too, congratulating her— after all that is why they’re here— and shakes Cregan’s hand firmly.

She catches Aegon’s eye over his father’s shoulder. He frowns, almost comically and goes to find another bottle of beer.

Before long Alys ushers them all into the dining room.

Alys and Viserys sit at the two heads of the table and the others fill in around them. When they see Alicent has taken the seat to Viserys’ right, Rhaenyra and Daemon move to the other end of the table. Helaena sits next to her dad and they both smile vaguely. Aemond, rather diplomatically, takes a central seat between Aegon and Rhaenyra. 

In an attempt to avoid sitting across from either of his uncles, Jace settles next to Alys, and once Cregan sits next to him, the only free seat is directly opposite Aemond. She sits down without a fuss.

Once everyone is a bit more settled, Aemond and Alys go back to the kitchen to bring in small plates of salad and seared tuna.

It starts off with smalltalk. Cregan and Jace are muttering to each other on her left, while Baela and Helaena have a friendly catch up to her right, leaving her to prod at her starter, waiting for an appetite to appear.

She doesn’t dare to look up past the space in front of her plate, or the pair of eyes she can feel burning into her.

Once they’re finished, the plates are whisked away and Aemond presents them with lamb chops, fondant potatoes and summer greens, while Alys pours out glasses of red wine. 

Viserys’ knife scratches against his plate as he carves into the meat. “Really excellent lamb, Alys.”

“Aemond did the food,” she says.

He pauses, looks down at his plate and carries on eating.

She hears Jace whispering something into Cregan’s ear and they both grunt in amusement.

“Something funny?” Aegon asks sharply, reaching for his glass.

She finally looks across the table. Aegon’s face is a dangerous mix of anger and anticipation.

“Just admiring Aemond’s culinary skills,” Jace muses, spearing a cut of lamb on his fork, “didn’t realise he’d gone domestic.”

“Jacaerys,” Rhaenyra hisses.

Aegon huffs but keeps his mouth shut with a stern look from Aemond.

Viserys’ attention suddenly latches onto his grandson. The rest of the table falls quiet while he asks Jace about his exam results. 65 average. Just a few marks off a first.

Aegon nudges his brother but Aemond doesn’t react. 

Their father seems to notice. “Jacaerys is shadowing me for the summer,” he says pointedly. 

Aegon finishes off his glass and immediately refills it.

“Not coming to Dragonstone, then?” Helaena pipes up in a brighter tone, leaning to look at Jace.

The ancestral home of the Targaryen family, a beautiful estate along the coast outside the city. It’s more of a castle than a house really, passed down the generations over centuries. They use it as a holiday home now.

She went with the Strongs one summer. Ten weeks of beach trips, reading by the pool and fresh seafood for dinner every evening. It was the first time she really remembers meeting the Targaryen siblings. Aemond seemed so quiet then, always with his nose in a book. It feels like a lifetime ago now. 

Cregan’s voice in her ear takes her by surprise. “You alright?” He asks, stroking his hand along the silky black fabric on her thigh. “You looked a bit lost there for a moment.”

She can see Aemond looking at her in the corner of her eye. “I’m fine,” she says, pushing Cregan’s hand away.

“We’re just a little busy at the moment,” Rhaenyra says, “work is… hectic.”

Alicent visibly bristles. 

“Might make it down for a few weeks, if the boss lets me off,” Jace says.

“I’m excited to have you,” Viserys says, “good to get him used to the order of things nice and early.”

“Yeah, amazing what you can do when you have everything handed to you on a silver fucking platter,” Aegon says, casually taking a long draw from his glass.

Alicent and Rhaenyra look horrified. Daemon and Viserys are both clenching their fists. 

“He says as if Otto Hightower didn’t have to buy him a place at KLU,” Jace retorts.

Aegon shrugs. “So what if he did? Got the degree, didn’t I?”

“And what have you done with it?” Viserys says in a scathing voice, “bought a flat with my money. Drank and screwed your way through life with no concern for your career or your family.”

Aegon tuts. “The fuck does that mean, family?”

“Leave it,” Aemond mutters and the table settles into an uncomfortable quiet.

“At least Jace has some direction,” Viserys says, breaking the silence. For a moment his eyes dart to his wife.

Alicent’s brown eyes are wide and glassy. “And my children don’t?”

She watches Aemond’s lips flicker into a sneer before he composes himself and goes back to staring vacantly at his untouched glass.

“That’s not what I meant, love–”

Daemon chuckles quietly. “And yet…”

Alicent slams her knife against the table with a jarring clatter. “Maybe they would have amounted to something more if you had shown even the slightest bit of interest in your own children!”

A chair scrapes against the floor and Helaena’s silver hair billows behind her as she leaves the dining room.

Baela grabs her wrist and pulls her to stand. “Excuse us,” she says sweetly. Not that anyone will hear her over the shouting match brewing between Alicent and Daemon.

They find Helaena in the lounge, on the sofa, picking at her nails.

“Hey,” Baela whispers, coming to hold her hands so she stops.

Helaena looks up at them with glistening blue eyes and a trembling lip. It’s the first time she’s really seen the resemblance between her and Alicent.

Raised voices echo from down the hall. By the sounds of things Aegon and Viserys have joined in too.

Helaena releases her hands from Baela’s and presses her palms to her forehead. “I’m sorry,” she says, taking a few shallow gasps. “I just don’t know how much more of this I can take.”

Baela hums in agreement.

Tears start to trickle from her eyes. “I used to love hanging out with you and Jace and everyone. I don’t understand… what did we do wrong?”

She isn’t sure what to do. She feels so helpless just watching Helaena as she starts to cry. Baela sits next to her and puts her arm around her shoulders.

And while the arguing persists, Helaena eventually starts to calm down a little, wiping her tears on her sleeve and leaning into Baela. “We missed dessert,” she sighs.

“We have ice-cream in the freezer,” she says, “strawberry or vanilla?”

And just like that her face lights up. “Both.”

“Noted. Baela?”

Baela smiles sympathetically. “Strawberry please.”

She catches fragments of the insults being thrown around the dining room as she walks past. “Hightower leech”, “spoiled cunt”.

She sees a figure in a black shirt through the frosted glass door to the kitchen. She holds her breath as she opens the door.

Aemond is leaning over the counter, fiddling with a packet of cigarettes. He looks up as soon as he hears the door. She lets it close behind her and leans against it.

He stares at her with a tight jaw, a sad little pout on his lips and a slight scrunch in his nose. Despite everything she can’t help but feel sorry for him. 

She tuts to herself and goes to place two bowls and two spoons on the counter, avoiding Aemond’s gaze.

Not my problem.

She goes towards the freezer and hears Aemond sigh heavily behind her. She hovers her hand over the handle.

Not my problem. Not my problem. Not my problem.

“Is it stupid of me to ask if you’re alright?” She asks, turning to fave him.

One of his wide plams is pressed against the counter, his legs crossed casually at the ankle. “No.” 

“And are you alright?”

His nostrils flare as he takes a slow breath. “I told her this would be a bad idea,” he says, tapping the box against the counter. “But what do I know, it’s only my fucking family.”

The way the light shines on his face makes the scar over his left eye seem like a shadow. She’s never asked about the details of what happened, but then he doesn’t like to talk about it. 

Two months ago she would have held his hand or pulled him into her arms when he was this anxious.

But things have changed now.

“Aemond, I–”

“Babe?”

She whips her head round to see Cregan and Jace standing in the doorway. Guilt twinges in her chest and she doesn’t know why. A conversation is nothing to be ashamed of, surely? She hadn’t even heard the door open. 

“Baela and Helaena are in the lounge, right?” Cregan asks.

“Yeah,” she says, “I’ll be there in a minute.”

They both glare at Aemond before they leave. When she turns to face him, he’s looking back with a cold indifference.

“He seems nice,” Aemond says once they're gone. “Palatable.”

She starts to drag her teeth over her bottom lip but stops herself. Aemond’s eyes are so intense, glaring from across the room with a dangerous look of fury and sadness. That’s exactly how he looked at her, the night of the wedding, when they were in her hotel room. When he asked her about Cregan then she liked how it made him jealous. 

Her blood starts to simmer, a feeling that cuts deeper and hurts more than hate. “Is this it then?” She says.

His brows scrunch into a frown, but his wide eyes seem more bewildered than anything. “What do you mean?”

It’s like a switch clicks in her brain and something in her heart dies. These last few weeks, even with things going so well with Cregan, she’s carried Aemond with her, hoping that one day she’d wake up and things would have worked out differently. It’s what she’s been doing for the last year anyway, she just never managed to break the habit.

It has to end somewhere, the lying, the guilt, and the naivety that she meant something more to him than a pretty face and a convenient fuck. 

She needs to let go and she’s known that for a long time.

“Forget it. You’ve made your side of things clear,” she says, her voice starting to tremble. “This was never going to end well and I should have thought about that before I led myself on.”

She takes a step towards the door but he’s in front of her, keeping her between the freezer and the counter.

“Do you love him?” Aemond mutters, quickly and quietly.

She can feel her heart beating in her throat.

“Do I… what?”

He takes advantage of her hesitation. His hand clamps around her wrist as he moves to the door. It takes a few moments to realise he’s dragging her with him.

The door to the lounge is shut. She hears Cregan’s booming laugh on the other side as Aemond leads her further along the hallway.

And suddenly they’re in the downstairs bathroom. She stands in front of the sink, staring at her own reflection as the lock clicks.

She watches Aemond in the mirror. The room is small and narrow, even when he’s standing by the door he’s close. Then he starts to close the distance between them with slow, taunting steps until he’s standing over her.

She can feel him and smell his aftershave, the bitterness of gin and the sweetness of red wine.

There’s that dark look in his eye again, determined, and hungry.

“Did you really think I’d let you keep up this pathetic little act?” He murmurs, eyes fixed on hers through the glass.

“What act?” 

She lets out a little gasp when he places a hand on her hip and pushes his hips against her, grinding a growing hardness against her so subtly he might not be moving at all.

He leans into her but no part of him makes contact with her skin. She shudders at the heat of his breath running over her ear, neck and shoulders. “I said you were needy, didn’t I?”

Her shoulders flinch when a single fingertip touches the nape of her neck. He draws it gradually along her spine as she desperately resists the urge to cry out at the tingling sensation it brings, arching against him because her body has nowhere else to go.

“And so sensitive,” he says and stops just as he reaches her lower back. “It was all for me, wasn’t it? The crop tops, the staring, even Stark, you just wanted a reaction.”

She’s always been a good liar but when she opens her mouth to reply she finds she just can’t do it. She doesn’t want to, not when he places his hand on her side and traces over the curves of her waist, her hips, the pouch of her stomach and her thighs. It’s been so long since they’ve been this close, and it’s not close enough.

“You stopped wanting me,” she breathes.

“Stupid little slut,” he says, leaning his chin over her shoulder. He starts dragging both hands down her thighs, taking the hem of her dress with him as he moves back up. “How could I ever stop wanting you?” His voice is harsh and hypnotic all at once. Cold and unforgiving. It sets her skin alight and leaves her wanting more.

But it doesn’t make sense. He was the one who left the hotel room. 

“I don’t understand… this isn’t fair.”

“But you and I both know you don’t like to play fair,” he rasps, tracing circles over the tops of her thighs, occasionally brushing over the hem of her panties.“I just know these last couple of months have been fucking unbearable without you.”

She bites down on her lip to stop herself whimpering at his touch.

He groans as his head falls against her neck, hands still pawing at her legs and the dress hitched around her waist. “Let me fuck you,” he utters in that low voice that means it’s taking every ounce of effort to hold himself back. “I know what you need. Just be a good girl and let me fuck you.”

Anticipation floods her body. She can feel her self-control slipping. She can’t think straight, can’t think past him or a world beyond this moment.

She wants it too much to feel guilty, for now at least.

“Please,” she utters.

“Please what?”

“Fuck me.”

Suddenly his soft touches are gone and he yanks her panties down to her knees. One hand slides between her legs, prying them open enough so he can circle her clit with the pads of his fingers. The other snakes up her body and takes a gentle hold of her throat.

He finally brings his lips to her cheek. They graze over her skin as he mutters, “you said something to me, that night. What was it?”

She scoffs. “You’re such a cunt.” She can hear how weak her voice is as she says it.

“Mouth on you, baby,” he coos, “come on, I know you remember.”

She shakes her head fervently, hoping she can focus on the movements of his fingers, the pleasure building and building inside her. 

“I want to hear you say it, baby.”

She lets herself melt against him, clinging desperately on his arms, breathless but defiant as she meets his eyes in the mirror.

With a short huff he withdraws his hand, but keeps her against him by her neck. He easily undoes the buckle on his belt, bringing his trousers down just enough to free his cock.

She bucks her hips on instinct as he slides the tip through her folds, gathering her wetness, and smiling when he realises responsive she is to him.

“Have you always been this restless? Or have you just missed me?”

Her head hangs slightly as he teases between her entrance and her clit. She can feel how thick his cock is, how hard he is and she already knows it’s going to make her feel so fucking good.

The grip on her neck becomes firmer, demanding her attention back to the mirror. He holds her gaze as he slides into her tight, slick cunt.

“Oh, sweetheart,” he says, “look at how well you take that.”

He’s right. The sight of her pleading face and parted lips as he holds her and pushes deeper inside of her only adds to her arousal. 

He fucks her slowly, precisely, placing a hand on her stomach and pressing into her while the impact of his thrusts are muffled by fabric. 

“Can you feel that?” He whispers, “can you feel how tight you are? Can you feel how deep that is?”

“Ah— fuck, yes…” she chokes, savouring the burn and the stretch of his cock as he drags through her walls and hits her sweet spot. When his fingers come back to circle her clit it all becomes so light and perfect and deliciously overwhelming.

“I knew you still wanted me,” he pants between the gentle kisses to her cheek. “Say it.”

“No,” she manages to whimper.

“Say it.”

Her orgasm comes as a sudden burst of warmth and Aemond isn’t far behind, suppressing a grunt as his hips still and his cock throbs inside her.

A few moments pass and he turns her head towards him, keeping his eyes on her lips. He leans in to kiss her and she twists her head to the other side.

“Fucking brat.” 

Suddenly he brings her to face him fully, effortlessly lifting her by her thighs to rest her against the edge of the sink. 

There’s no teasing this time, no pretence, just need. He pushes himself into her in one cruel snap of his hips.

He’s too impatient to give her time to adjust before he starts to fuck her, fiercely and without mercy, hands digging into the flesh of her rear, pulling her in over and over again. He brings his forehead against hers, glaring into her eyes like he hates her.

But like this she can wrap her arms around his neck, hold him even closer and lose herself in just him.

“All you need to remember is you’re mine. You’re fucking mine and you know it.”

Tears well in her eyes and she can only take what he gives her. “Fuck… Aemond...”

Her climax builds until it’s almost excruciating, and then it tears through her, a release unlike anything she’s known for months. She keeps her arms tight around him, burying her face into his neck as her thighs shake and her whole body tenses and trembles.

Aemond doesn’t stop, fucking her through it until she’s writhing with the overstimulation.

“Too much,” she whines, “fuck it’s too much!”

He clasps a hand over her mouth to muffle her protest, dangerously echoing on the tiled walls and floors. He comes again, gnawing at his lip to keep himself quiet and spilling deep inside her as tears stream from her cheeks.

He admires the mess they’ve made as he pulls out, her cream on his cock and his cum leaking from her quivering cunt. His eyes flicker back to her face, his expression softening and his lips curling into a half smile.

Dazed and still desperate she leans into him, but her lips barely get to  graze his before he pulls away.

“Oh now you want to kiss me?”

She frowns, which only seems to amuse him.

By the way he grabs her jaw she doesn’t need to be told what to do. She offers him her tongue and swallows when he spits into her mouth.

A satisfied groan rumbles in his chest and her belly flutters in anticipation, as if he hasn’t just made her come twice, as if she can’t feel his spend starting to drip down her thighs.

He slips her off the sink and kneels down to pull her panties up her legs. Then he fixes her skirt, smoothing down the fabric with his palms.

“You’re going to be civil,” he murmurs, one of his hands coming to fix her hair. “You’re going to go back out there, kiss your boyfriend on the cheek, but I want you to think about me. Think about how good I make you feel. Do you understand?”

She nods.

“Words, baby,” he says as his hand comes to cup her jaw, stroking his thumb over her flushed cheek.

“Yes.”

“Yes what?”

“Yes, daddy.”

“That’s my good girl,” he says softly, leaning in to plant an almost chaste kiss to her lips.

She tries for more but he steps away, eyes roaming over her to make sure she’s presentable.

With a vague “hmm,” he carefully unlocks the door and slowly steps out. He shoots her a quick wink before he closes the door, his footsteps fading down the hallway back towards the kitchen.

Her legs almost give out underneath her and she clutches the sink to keep herself standing. 

That certainly wasn’t how she was expecting this evening to go.

She’s not sure how she’s supposed to show her face and go about pretending like nothing’s happened in front of their families. Maybe she’ll rediscover her ability to lie, kiss Cregan on the cheek and play the part of the sweet girlfriend, but what kind of person will that make her?

She looks at her reflection, at the glimmer of blissful tears and sweat on her face. 

A familiar laugh drifts down the hall.

How is she ever going to look her mother in the eye again?

General Taglist: @randomdragonfires @jamespotterismydaddy

Series Taglist: @marthawrites @urmomsgirlfriend1 @aaaaaamond @boundlessfantasy @sahvlran @tinykryptonitewerewolf @arcielee @tssf-imagines @aemondsfavouritebastard @skikikikiikhhjuuh @queenofshinigamis @lost-and-founds @izzydlb @dc-marvel-girl96 @xcinnamonmalfoyx @padfooteyes @castellomargot @pet1t3

[bonesandthebees]

ellooooo bones

long time no ask, graduation stress has me gripped tight, but i was making myself a london fog to take a break from studying and it always makes me think of you (shout out tcfs) so here i am

ive been flipping between ignoring the exams and stressing over them, ive got the written part in a week (beginning of april) and the oral part in may, but the written part is harder, I cant wait to get it over with

i have both rose and sunrise on the reaping saved up to read as a treat after the written part and im really looking forward to it

hope youre doing good (or at least better than me) and ill see you on the other side o7

hello eileen!!

it's still so funny to me how many people tell me they think of my fic when they drink london fogs because of how much I actually can't stand them. I have tried so hard to like earl grey tea. I've had it so many times in so many different ways. I just do not like the taste but the concept of london fog as a drink will always sound so lovely to me so I'm very glad the rest of you enjoy them

I'm sorry you're so stressed with school but you're almost done!!! you just have to push through and get the written part over with then you won't have to worry that much. I'm sure you're doing to do great, eileen. you just have to hold out for a few more months and then you'll be free!! look forward to reading sotr I just finished it last night and cried it was so good but so painful

[dino-mp3]

blog intro :)

3-23-24

Hello I’m Dino! I wanted to make an introduction post for my tumblr since I decided I wanted to start posting to motivate myself and others! I thought it would be nice to list my personal goals, interests, etc. :)

also pls ignore any grammar issues I don’t feel like putting this through Grammarly :,)

Goals

Work towards a 4.5 gpa: I have currently maintained a 4.2 gpa for this school year I wish it was 4.5, but I have 2 b’s :( So I’m going to work towards a 4.5 for this last quarter and senior year!

Become a better speaker: My ultimate career is to be a lawyer! With that comes working to be a better speaker. I get quite nervous when it comes to taking to a large group of people and start to talk fast. On top of this at my mock trial meet I messed up my direct horribly because of how nervous I was to talk in front of the judge and jury :,)

Get best lawyer during Mock Trial Comp: I won best attorney this year, but I don’t think I deserved it…I want to be more confident in my win this time around!

4 or 5 on AP Exams: I want to get a 4 or 5 on both my AP Lang and APUSH Exams in May! I need to study and practice hard though, but I’m willing to put the hard work in ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ

Practice flute more often: I play the flute for my schools band and while I have only been playing for 7 months now I have to keep up with people who have been playing for 5+ years :,) With that I want to practice more to keep up and for my personal interest of just becoming more skilled with the flute!

Turing in homework on time: I have made a bad habit of turning my homework in late which is so bad oml I need to get out of it

Exercise: I want to start working out regularly to lose some weight :) While I’m at a healthy weight I just want to lose a few pounds for aesthetic purposes, but in a healthy manner!

Love myself more: I forget to remind myself that I have gotten so far and I have evolved over the years. I want to make sure that I know that I’m worthy of love even when I’m at my lowest.

Interests

Music: I’m a big fan of all genres (even some country songs too) but I’m a big listener of k-pop! But here is a list of my favorite groups + musicians: Red Velvet, Melanie Martinez, Laufey, Idelwork, Frank Sinatra, NMIXX, Ive, Megan Thee Stallion, Flo Milli, Poppy, Lesserafim, Aespa, Newjeans, Infinity Song, Kiss of Life, and many more!

Media: I’m not going to list every kind of media I’m into but here is a small taste! Big fan of ARGs, Indie Horror games (puppet combo specifically), Mascot Horror games (FNAF + Poppy Playtime), Anime (although I haven’t watched anything recently, but my fave is TBHK), K-dramas and Thai-dramas, YouTube video essays (TRO, iNabber, Primik, Stephanie Soo), Cartoons (Owl House, Gravity Falls, Amphibia, MLP, stuff like that), RPG + Dating Sim games (Shooter game HATER here), Sitcoms, Snoopy/Peanuts, Miraculous Ladybug (biggest MariChat lvr) Twisted Wonderland (Azul my love) and a BUNCH more things I’m into, but I’m not going to list them all like I said :,)

Hobbies: Doing my nails, playing my flute, writing fanfics (don’t judge I BEGGG), reading (pls recommend books for me to read, I love the classics too), deco (for my photo cards and notebooks lol), and makeup!

I think that should suffice for my introduction, though it looks a bit long…I’m a blabber could you tell?

Anyways thank you for sticking around for the end! If you want to see any updates on my goals or read my blabber about my interests don’t hesitate to follow me! (Also follow me on Ao3 @/dino_mp3 if you’re an Azul lvr bc all my fanfics are about him) This tumblr is more of a casual stop for me to be more myself and work towards a better me :) But thank you again and I hope you have a good day/night! Don’t forget to drink water :D

-Dino

[astrojaxsaga]

I. am. exhausted.

Woof this term has been an absolute struggle. It is nothing compared to when I was previously unmedicated and pushing through writing and studying for my candidacy exam, but it is pretty damn close. Plus instead of being just a few weeks to endure this has been a relatively large and consistent stressor since basically September. I looked into my weekly hours this morning since I track them on an app (basically to help myself stay accountable and attempt to hit weekly work goals) and I realized that I have been pulling multiple 50-hour work weeks since October. 😭 No wonder my hips feel so fucked up.

I have 12 - 13 post-doc positions and fellowships that I am applying for this cycle. The last one due is Jan 15th (or Dec 31st if I don't do the 13th one). I've been glued to my desk most weekends, and only really take half days off when I am having solid writer's block/mental struggle, which sucks because then nothing feels really like a break. It would be easier in general to just get ~7 hours of work done each weekday but that's not how my ADHD works :/ I just have to haul ass whenever I finally get the motivation and just run with the hyperfocus....ugh.

Shit at home has been a struggle too; it's not enough that I have to be focused and creative and dedicated to work right now but everything else around me has to fall through as well ?? Like what the hell is that about. Not just general problems with home life which comes up sometimes, but an insane amount of financial shit. I think the worst part for me is how much I am struggling in my relationship right now. I think it boils down to, (i) work too much and need to kindof neglect a lot of things including my partner, (ii) partner feels neglected, (iii) partner reaches out to other people to get their needs met, (iv) parner neglects me to support other new people in his life, (v) I feel like I'm being replaced and since I am also neglecting myself I am upset at how much I wish I was being taken care of myself. It all just sucks but we are getting through it I think. I just wish that I felt like my needs were being considered and heard too.

I'm thinking ahead to the new year (when the nightmare will be over or at least postponed lol) and reconsidering the goals I have related to fitness. I do want to get back to 5x/week workouts, they make me feel so much better about myself because I eat so much better and sleep so much better. I'm thinking about kickstarting January off with a month of keto before pulling back and working on gaining muscle, since I wanted to do dry January anyway. I just think that a modest weight loss in the beginning especially will help my confidence and help to get me on track.

Lucky for me the leads I have for positions I think are going to pan out well. I have an interview already for a position in Copenhagen, I have some fellowships in Edinburgh that I get the sense that the group really wants me to work there and so even if I don't get the fellowship they will want to hire me funded through their ERC grant. I have 2 groups at MIT and University of Washington that I think would be a great fit. So, I hope it's all enough in the end...

[thewonderingsorceress]

// I know. I know. I know what you are all thinking. Wow they said they were going to come back and be on. Now it's been months.

I know I know and i know Ive been saying it alot but life has been knocking me down.

As soon as I said that My apartment gave me a weeks notice before they were going to be doing construction in my apartment that would require them to do work on an asbestos filled ceiling and the walls being open for over a month even tho i have cats and they wouldn't give rent reductions because tis "technically still livable because you have running water" So with such short notice i had to drive 4 hours away to a friend bc my works confidentially would be broken if i stayed, where my property manger used it as an opportunity to go into my apartment and take pictures of my apartment that was a mess bc i had alto of sudden health issues and then had to pack to leave for a month. She did this to get back at me for complaining to her about her lack of following the lease we have and offering a tenant who brought danger to me and residents multiple times a renewal of their lease. she then has been trying to use everything to get me out. So i was panicking trying to find a place to move which I couldn't find without me having a negative balance at the end of each month. So Im still trying while not being able to live in my apartment without issues because this woman literally fired every front desk person and got her people to come in and watch for me and other residents who have report her- ive literally had her come out of her office and stare me down when Ive goneto the lobby to pick up packages or leave. So I'm trying to move in January while working extra jobs to save some extra cash only to find out that my car got broken into and they attempted to steal it (I have an hyundai elantra with the immobilizer upgrade so they couldn't) and caused 8k worth of damage about and that's more than my car. So Im waiting for the adjuster to go out and decide if theyll pay it or if theyll give me a 2k check for my car and tell me good luck.

Along with that I was just denied an advancement at my current job that I was promised when I was hired and I am about to cut my last relative off/ go NC bc of the stress theyve been adding to my life and making it that much worse. While trying to study and save to be able to take another Bar Exam in February. So Im sorry IM trying I am. I havent even been super active on discord and that's where I'm normally super active.

[coolcoelacanth]

i've been so fucking sad about my ex recently and i feel like a crazy person. it's deadass been 1 year since we last saw each other but it's all just hitting me right now. i was relieved for the first few months after we ended things, then i was sad, then i was doing just fine, now all of a sudden i have been fucking miserable about it for the past month. i really wish i could take my brain out of my head and run it under cold water. i feel like im short circuiting. ive just been overall depressed then ill randomly burst into tears about it for like 30 minutes. i've only been one one date since we ended things, and im starting to feel like ill never find someone i love like that again. he didn't treat me right, and i deserve better, but damn did we work together so well. if he hadn't been an idiot things could've worked out really well. now im back to square one, with all these people i genuinely have no interest in. and im pretty sure he started seeing someone shortly after we ended things and theyre still together. so i just feel even worse, like did all of that really mean that little to him? and why does he get to move on and have a happy ending? i feel like nothing is ever fair bro, i give my heart and soul to this shit and i get the short end of the stick every time. and i really, truly, deeply trusted him. i really really did. i dont know how to get over this horrible feeling of betrayal. it burns a hole in my stomach. it doesnt feel real. i dont want any of it to be real. its all just some kind of sick joke. and i keep playing back all the memories of all the things he did that hurt me, so im just hurting myself over and over again and just crying about it all. my brain is truly putting me thru my own personal hell, for why? who fucking knows. maybe bc i havent had a day off since august and im finally having a nervous breakdown, so my brain is just throwing everything its got at me. and i literally spent 8 hours studying today, then im working 8 hrs tmrw and studying afterward for my exam on monday. but it doesn't end there, it all just repeats on an endless cycle until my semester ends in december. i only have this semester and next semester left until i will only be doing rotations, but jesus christ if this doesnt kill me. and i used to have a reprieve on the weekends when my ex would come over for three days and we would just LOL and eat good food and i really felt like i could completely let all my walls down. now i never get to let my walls down because i dont trust anyone to be myself around. so im just constantly holding everything in all the time until i finally explode one day. this is literally so long but if you made it this far, im literally at my breaking point. and i dont even have time to have a break down, i get to cry about my life for a couple hours a day then i just keep going and going and going like a fucking lunatic. somebody please put me out of my misery for fucks sake

[theyellowgal]

september 16, 2024

its been so long lmaooo

I've been a busy girl okay y'all. a busy woman :)

been dealing with class, work, stressing, getting annoyed, trying to eat enough. its just a lot of things happening at one time.

I know straight A's in nursing school is kinda crazy and I definitely haven't achieved that thus far, but I really am trying to get as close as possible. we've had 2 exams so far and I got an A on the first one. we took one today though that was farrrr from an A. idk my exact score yet but I know it wasn't an A lol.

girlhood wise....

I wish I was taking more time for myself and self care ya know...ive been struggling to do so lately because school is taking up so much time. but I have 2 weeks to study for my next exam so I'm gonna do my best to study early and not rush during my last week. but while studying I want to add in some time for myself. especially this week.

I also want to have a date night with my bf. I know he'll probably pay buttt I wanna wait until pay day so that I can at least offer to pay yk lol.

I need to get more sleep. I need to wash and retwist my hair. I need to get a wax.

yall

I want a wax so fucking bad omgggg. Ive had the money to do so but like....ugh idk.

speaking of money. I feel like ive been managing it pretty well tbh. I am just now running out of money since my last really paycheck which was over a month ago. still wish I had more so I could do more BUT ive been doing a very good job and im proud of myself. that includes putting money away for my savings and my hospital's version of a 401k. so everyone clap it up for me lmao

anyways im in class right now so im gonna wrap this up :)

I hope you all have an amazing day. eat good food. drink some water. get good rest. take care of yourself.

lmao

I just remembered

my birthday happened and I never said anything about it...

well happy late birthday to me :) it was a good one lmao. some of the pics here are from then

[imnotdoingmuchbetter]

ok. imma write my damned 3-month-plan and 6-month-plan. i honestly didn't wanna do this because i might fail my goals but who fucking cares i will write them down.

in three months, i want to lose all the weight ive gained over the past two years. my diet has been going ok, im not starving myself completely like i did back then, but im trying some things out and begging them to work so i won't have to atarve anymore.

aside from that, i will be completing my fourth year in uni. If i hadn't decided to postpone my graduation, id be a graduate by then. wow. even the thought of it is awful. i needed a year to prepare for graduation and i postponed it, and im thinking i won't regret my decision (even though I'll lose my high honour badge).

In three months, I will hopefully be done with finals and ready for a holiday. sike. i will work in a psychologistics lab to get that exp. i will also need to prepare all the papers i will need to read for that. maybe i can go for a lab in europe or something. i might try it later on.

Another thing is, in three months, my boyfriend will be done with his tournaments and i hope i can get him to stand back on his feet again. I hope we can work it all out together.

Ok now for the six month plan,

I will be going into my last year in uni. By the time the fall semester starts, i will have taken japanese 2, and i will take the third one. I will have worked in a lab, and I will have even more experience to start writing my own papers. Maybe I can try out a small scale research, even. Itll all depend on the papers I will have read until then. Maybe I'll start studying for the national exam. Maybe I'll find a good position in some lab overseas. we'll see.

Oh and hopefully I can be happy.

[theleopardatemyhomework]

March 14th, 2024

11:47 PM: Absolutely atrocious. I saw a really huge black squirrel scurrying around this morning, and didn't even think to document the cosmically beautiful moment until just now. Such a pivotal plot-point deserves more air-time and linguistic prowess than I can possible craft with only 11 minutes till 00:00. Ah 0... a little late addition to the numerical systems brought to us by our friends over in Mesopotamia.

I had some meetings today, TA'd, and attempted to do some work. My idea of "work" the last few weeks has been "prepping" for my qualifying exam, which basically just means slacking off while pretending to read pompous and intellectual textbooks and papers. I have some actual real molecular tomorrow that I've put off doing, however was attempting to be productive tonight by studying for my LSAT. It was excellent, until I changed gears and did some actual work (writing a title on a powerpoint slide). Needless to say, I'm exhausted.

However, it did bring my awareness to the harsh reality really know what I am doing. For the first time in a while, my motivational flow is receding into an ebb. Alas, I must delve into my cookie jar of discipline, instead of riding the effortless gumption that prevails my ego once every few months.

I want to read some textbooks and take some notes, but I'm a little unsure where in the mountain of resources to begin. Almost a paralysis, so many options and im not even sure where to start. Dare I say, void, that you are keeping me rather grounded and sane. Ive been enjoying flexing my little brain box in ways I don't usually. Scientific writing is structured and boring, but you don't care what I write? Do you void? Meep moop zorp zup. Reality is an illusion; the universe is a hologram. Buy XRP.

[hoshigray]

I’m writing something for Geto and nanami because writers block is killing me fr,😭Ive been in school and went straight to bed when I got home.

OMG SAMEEEEEEE I had a whole text presentation that I was so nervy for (turns out it was okay ig), then one of my teachers JUST gave us a study guide for an exam on Thursday and I'm just like 🧍🏾‍♀️🧍🏾‍♀️🧍🏾‍♀️ so yup, came to the dorm and went straight for a two hour nap lmao. Something tells me I'll regret taking it instead of doing work but idc

Omg Geto twinsiessss lol. I feel you, writer's block was kicking me last month so I'm surprised I have some amount of creativity rn. However, lectures are really grabbing for my attention, so that's why I feel like I'm all over the place 🙃🙃🙃 blehhh.

[vbug]

life update + where i've been and demotivation

august 11 2023

11:11 pm

i've been pretty quietly recently across all social media and i'm sure no one has particularly asked where veronica went on here lol (i speak to myself most of the time). however this isn't saddening to me, almost no one has noticed because i still interact the same amount, i believe, with my closer mutuals and my family. i didn't take a break purposely in order to find a meaningful answer to life or to combat depression, i just felt demotivated to write or go out, ive just sat here most of summer rotting in my bed and sleeping through the day. perhaps i had a bit of a depressive episode but im back now and i think that's what matters most.

i reached 4 months with my boyfriend august 9. we went through a lot last month but we made it out really well and i think we will have a better month going forward. we almost broke up and then the day we worked things out i had dinner with his family for the first time (this had been planned months in advance please don't think it was a rash decision). things went really well that night. his sister is so cute and fiery and is a ball of fun, his mom is beautiful and mature and the epitome of womanhood/adulthood. i appreciate their family dynamic. it all just makes sense. the next day i went back over and we all watched star v the forces of evil and then me and my boyfriend drove around a bit and fucked in the movie theater parking lot and then we went and watched insidious (which i considered horrendous plot wise but the gore aspect was pretty well done). i love my boyfriend and i'm excited for our future.

tonight i just feel so much joy and happiness and i feel like things have gotten so much better and im doing so much for myself by myself and with help from so many amazing people. housing, transportation, advice... so many people supplying me with great tools for a smooth transition into adulthood. im blessed and will continue to be.

i start school august 21, so i stocked up on school supplies today. i was finally able to purchase my big girl laptop!!! it comes in tomorrow and im practically jumping with pleasure. i got all these accessories i wanted as well, which is great, and i plan on giving my ipad to my cousin once i get some money to buy a new case and screen protector for it.

as for school supplies i think i will make a list on what i bought specifically in case anyone is interested, so i'll leave that haul for later. what i got, what i major in and what i think some essentials are. keep in mind this is my first year so i'm not very well versed in college life.

with all this said i couldn't be more excited for the future. i go on another family trip in september and then a birthday trip a weekend after. still deciding on what gift to give her. and i pray i will be able to set up my teas exam soon so i can take it in order to apply for the lpn program in january. i'll be studying for it as well. has to be before september 30th! thank you all and GOOD NIGHTTTT!!!

[monzabee]

https://www.tumblr.com/monzabee/717466232334532608/if-you-were-wondering-where-ive-been-for-the-past

Oh no bestie but I get you that was me last month for my psych paper I felt like the portion just wasn’t getting over and that’s the paper that I put the most pressure on myself for because I want it to be my major in my third year. But I hope you’re feeling better now and the month is halfway over so you’ll be done with all this v soon !!! And I think you’ll do well dw ! 💖

-💖

i just feel like these exams are really messing me up big time, like i did not expect the questions to be this hard😭 my immune system might also be crashing down because i keep getting sick for no reason so yay!!✌️i hope you end up majoring in psychology like you want, i hear from my friends who do study psychology that it is very fun and interesting!!

honestly that is the way i motivate myself, i am halfway done (yay✌️), thank you for all the motivation bestie, you are the best💜💜💜

is there any updates on your psych paper?? i'm sure you've done a great job!🤍