#so it’s just permanent scarring

[queeniehostapasta]

P…Piccolo side eye…(GHADD PLEASEE)

YEEEOWCHHH‼️‼️‼️it’s ok guys, they're no longer hating, they’re chill now

[redbean-nom]

thinking about 17's grievous incident again

(he also sent the pic to Grievous)

shebse interactions once again inspired by @thefoundationproject, because I feel like Priority would have Much To Say about it

and the version without the priority additions

[hestzhyen]

Analysis: Hakuri & Abusive Backstories

Hello dear void. Hakuri is a character that is near and dear to my heart so I wanted to yap about him and why his story is so important to me on a deeply personal level.

This is a LONG yapfest- the Tumblr Edit Post UI is hitching and lagging while I try to type this little notice there's so much word vomit in here. I honestly don't expect anyone to read it all the way through. I just wrote this to figure out why I was so goddamn attached to a fictional character. I spent too many hours on this to just delete it all once I found my answers though, so... if you wanna strap in, go ahead. But maybe make sure you've got a decent chunk of free time and high tolerance for extremely subjective interpretations first.

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DISCLAIMER: This is purely my opinion- I can't speak for anyone's experience but my own.

First, this isn't a trauma dump. Not for me at least. I'll be talking about what Hakuri endured and how it shaped his character in relatable ways thanks to the quality of the writing. But there won't be anything discussed outside of what happens in Kagurabachi canon, so rest assured on that front.

Second, fictional characters don't have to be 1:1 mirrors in terms of type or severity of trauma the reader experienced themselves to be helpful self-reflection tools. Please take care if you choose to read this, and make sure you're in a good frame of mind if parts of Hakuri's struggle could send you into darker places.

Third, I started writing this around chapter 53 and it's being posted as of chapter 58. If it ages poorly, well, I'm not saying I'm smart just because I yap a lot.

Without further ado... prepare for an expansion of massive proportions under the cut.

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All too often we see shounen characters have an abusive sob story background to give them a sympathetic hook and a reason to start from zero. There's little to say about them other than they go from zero to hero for the good vibes and catharsis. They begin their story as a victim first and foremost, and there are little or no lingering effects from trauma once they have their moment of triumph. In the "good" cases they're healed and whole. In the "bad" cases they have negatively warped personalities for the rest of the story. There's not much in between the two extremes.

Portraying the abuse characters endure in such a shallow way is not the best way to write about it, from my point of view. Writing it as something that can be overcome with strength of will alone is harmful. So is writing the victim as a permanently damaged, defective person. Instead, we need more characters like Hakuri that are shaped but not wholly defined by their abuse, and aren't completely healed by putting the manifestation of their torment in the dirt.

Hakuri is the first character the [abusive past] attribute that actually worked as a hook for me. This is largely due to two key writing decisions: not centering Hakuri's entire narrative around overcoming the abuse he suffered, and carefully depicting how trauma influences his actions. It's necessary to read between the lines of what he says and does to see how much he hasn't said about himself- what he won't admit or recognize, despite how core it is to his character.

Chapters 19-23, Meeting and Getting to Know Sazanami Hakuri

Mantis imagery for courage!

The very first things we learn about Hakuri are as follows:

1) He pushes through hardship with sheer force of will 2) He lost his whole family and has probably been on his own for a while 3) #1 is a lie

I've brought it up before, but food symbolism is all over the place in Kagurabachi- it's often a short-hand for comfort and connection. So Hakuri spilling that metaphor out of his mouth right after telling us he's able to "push through" is a sign that he actually isn't coping with his situation that well. His thoughts about himself and his actual status don't match up. But it's ridiculous imagery that puts us off and pushes us towards thinking he's kind of pathetic rather than making us feel sorry for him. And the rest of his introduction, while accurate to his character, buries the lede on how much he's suffering.

As for his backstory: he was disowned, yes. He says his family will kill him if they see him, yes. But it reads more like Hakuri was punished for being a moral black sheep after he himself framed being disowned as punishment for "being weak" and "getting in the way of business". There's no hint of foul play on his family's part other than being low-life criminals to be fought as the arc villains. So he's primed for some sadness but probably nothing on Char's level. The only hints we have towards something serious until the chapter 24 reveal are not exactly obvious:

-He has a fatalistic mindset and thinks it's natural for him to be overpowered and kicked around because he's weak. (Could just be typical zero-to-hero shounen character things.)

-He's generally unafraid and highly tolerant of pain. He gives no shits about his condition after being kicked around by the Yakuza, smears the blood from his nose while casually talking to Chihiro, and willingly takes a strong hit and is able to yell encouragement to Chihiro while lying bloody on the floor. (Doesn't really stand out in a series as violent as Kagurabachi; this is kind of the bare minimum for being involved in the plot if you aren't a child to be protected.)

-Perhaps the only big tell-tale sign: we zoom in on his trembling fist when describing his older siblings as "strong and scary" in chapter 23. (Could be inferred as fearing for his life since he also says they'd kill him on sight in the same chapter.)

Hakuri's not written like a typical abuse victim in this intro. We don't get commentary from other characters about how much pain Hakuri seems to be in- they comment on how weak and dopey he appears instead. Nor do we get shots of him looking sad, flinching away from touch, or being hesitant to connect with other people. He's actually kind of unhinged with how passionate and eager he is to join forces with Chihiro. He's intense and ridiculous and gets used like a wholesome gag character more than anything else.

So there's not much to suspect here. Hakuri's got more to reveal to us but there are no signs of what we should brace ourselves for. Then the nightmare starts.

Chs. 24-26, The First Glimpse

This page goes from 0 to 100 REAL quick.

Well, shit.

Behold the understated reveal of Hakuri's status as a victim of abuse. The revelation at the bottom of the page only to see his suicide attempt on the page turn is an extremely effective "oh shit- OH SHIT-" two-hit combo that arrests the reader's attention, and I really wish that it was the most memorable part of the chapter for more people. Because holy hell, this recontextualizes everything we know about Hakuri. He's still a passionate, silly, and slightly insane guy, but damn he actually suffered more than he let on.

To find out like this is unusual, isn't it? Char's situation wasn't shown right away either, but meeting her as a scruffy orphan clued us in that she was going to have a tough past from the start. Hakuri, by comparison, gave us very few obvious hints about it. It's like he doesn't want to be seen that way. He openly admits to being "weak" and "useless" but his own pain? The suffering he endured? He's totally fine pushing past it all (lies).

But we're not even close to done yet.

Note how Hakuri's focused on Soya's hands...

Hakuri's first instinct being to jump to his death says a lot. Unlike standing up for the little girl or jumping in to save Chihiro, this is a purely reactionary response. There's no room to think back to Chihiro's bravery for inspiration as those memories overwhelm him. He's terrified. So he jumps and trembles in fear as Soya tries to talk him into coming back to relive his nightmares.

We laughed at the soda spilling out of his mouth and his expressions after he got hit in the face by Hiyuki, but this is deadly serious. Hakuri isn't okay at all. He's actually in very bad condition and the way he thinks about Soya says so much.

The panel explaining Soya's expression of "love" on the page above is important, but it's not emphasized in the same way as what's happening in the present. It feels like an unpleasant detour into Hakuri's inner thoughts for extra context while the main focus is on him and Soya in the moment. Hakuri doesn't even describe what happened to him directly- he says "punching and kicking" like it could be anything from hazing to broken bones, but the backdrop lets us know that it's probably closer to the latter. It gives the impression that Hakuri (understandably) doesn't want to think about this at all.

He also frames Soya's aggression towards him as an expression of "sincere" affection. That's preposterous and heart-breaking to most people- violence isn't love. Even most victims will acknowledge that... to a point. Violence hurts, it's unwanted, but it's still a valid expression of emotion to be acknowledged. It's something they earn or deserve. The rational people are correctly screaming NO IT'S NOT! And most victims would agree again... to a point. Somehow they're the exception to that mindset. Other people don't deserve it, but they do.

So despite it all, Hakuri is still able to be brave for Hinao's sake. He's not going to let Soya hurt anyone else if he can help it, even if it means putting himself back in harm's way. This adds an interesting layer to his character. He's laden with trauma, but he's still able to show courage for others. He thinks he's weak and won't prevent whatever abuse comes his way, but he will put himself at risk to stop others from experiencing the same or worse.

Why is he so devoted to protecting other people at his own expense? Sadly, it's not uncommon for victims to advocate harder for other people than they do for themselves. It also has something to do with the merchandise woman that was mentioned this chapter, but that reasoning won't be revealed for a while yet.

"This pathetic wretch was born a Sazanami, but he can't even do sorcery. He's useless. Worse, he's a hindrance. His life is worthless."

There's another thrill of panic when Kyora summons Hakuri to use his life as a bargaining chip. Hakuri's at his most pathetic here- he's on the ground, helpless under Kyora's foot, not even trying to resist or escape. None of the fire we saw when he saved the little girl, took that hit for Chihiro, or defended Hinao is present. Hakuri can't be brave for himself. He's quite literally trampled by what passes for the Sazanami version of "love" and "basic human decency". It doesn't need to be spelled out any clearer than this: Hakuri's woes come from his family, especially his father. The Sazanamis are fucked up even when it comes to how they treat their own flesh and blood. They're rotten from the head down.

It's obvious then why Chihiro's words and actions affect Hakuri so much. Hakuri thinks he has no value whatsoever- his father says as much, and he falls for Shiba's bluff implying the same. Only Chihiro steps in to directly repudiate Kyora's toxicity and say yes, Hakuri does have value. So much, in fact, that he's willing to trade the precious memento of his father (and the majority of his strength) to prove it. So they're able to leave, but not without Hakuri encumbering himself with a huge amount of guilt for how things went down.

The face of someone ready to spiral down and out.

It's telling that reassurances don't do much to help Hakuri feel better. Shiba tries to help by offering generic comfort (ice cream) and Chihiro tells him it's alright, but it's not until Hakuri hears that he's still needed that he's able to bring himself out of the mire of self-hate.

Of course it's extra effective for Hakuri because he was considered totally useless, but this is very relatable even for folks who weren't told they had no value on a daily basis. Offers of comfort only make the self-hate worse for some people who think they're utterly worthless. Even simple gestures like Shiba's twist the knife and reinforce the idea that the person doesn't deserve any kindness whatsoever. It just piles on the guilt. But being given something to do -especially if it's believably framed as something only they're capable of doing- feels incredible. They might have some value after all, even if only for this one thing.

It's something that I really appreciate the author doing since it's a touch that didn't need to be added. Hakuri could have just found a bit of solace in Shiba and Chihiro's words, which would have given more time for other things to be addressed in the chapter. But it's important to show that Hakuri struggles with accepting kindness because he took his father's words to heart. His feelings of worthlessness and uselessness are essential to who he is.

After this we see him at Chihiro's beck and call, prioritizing his requests over everything- relaxing with Char and Hinao, even his own comfort with another ice cream/food metaphor. It's framed as something silly and dog-like for the laughs, which once again encourages us to downplay the severity of this issue for him. None of the other characters ever directly point this out either. It's one of those informed traits that influences Hakuri's actions without any acknowledgment from himself or others, but just like the soda spilling out of his mouth, we're invited to treat it as a gag.

From here, the focus shifts entirely to building tension for the raid on the Rakuzaichi. Hakuri's circumstances are put on the back-burner to simmer for 5 weeks in real time until he confronts Soya in chapter 30.

Chs. 30 & 32-34, The Soya Rematch (what Chihiro and Shiba know):

Hakuri puts his fear of Soya aside to bait him out to help the mission. Chihiro and Shiba gave him a job to do, so he'll see it through no matter what. Unfortunately things don't go as planned and he ends up all alone with his biggest tormentor.

I'll have more to say about Soya himself in his own section with Kyora later, but it's very clear what his role as Chief Bully is, narratively speaking:

In a lot of ways, Soya is more object than actual character. He's our almost cartoonishly evil device to represent everything that's been repressing Hakuri. He's the demon in his head telling him he's useless, pathetic, weak, and so on. So Hakuri trying to square up to Soya is also him facing off against the things he's internalized that hold him back.

Hakuri's struggle against Soya before he awakens seems very hopeful and standard shounen. He's fighting the internal battle at the same time as the external, telling his brother to "shut up" while his mind races to figure out what he should do now that the situation went belly-up. He could keep playing the victim and take Shiba up on his offer to help since he can't reach Chihiro, or he could play dead and wait for it all to be over... or he could try believing in himself. Because Chihiro saw something in him and even if he can't bring himself to think he's strong and capable, he can at least have faith in Chihiro's words that they would end the Rakuzaichi together.

This time it works and he's able to shove Soya close enough to the tree wall so that Chihiro can give us a great visual metaphor to show us what just happened to Hakuri:

Chihiro is the one who broke Hakuri's mental barrier for him. He couldn't do it himself, but someone he admired believing in him in return made all the difference. Hakuri just needed a little support to start coming into his own.

He stays behind to handle the rest of the fight on his own while Chihiro goes ahead to meet up with Shiba- he can do this himself now that he's awakened thanks to their help. Very wholesome, extremely shounen. But there are deliberate writing choices which make it obvious that there's more going on beyond the surface that winning this fight won't fix or even fully address.

In Chapter 32, Hakuri tells Chihiro and Shiba a slightly condensed version of his experience as an uncomfortable reminder for the reader. Oh, right, Hakuri was abused- at least that explains why he survived a Flame Bone punch to the face. Anyway, let's move on to ditching John Hishaku and kicking Soya's ass.

The framing is so interesting to me. Chapter 32 uses preexisting panels that are cropped and presented slightly differently compared to how they originally appeared: Ch. 24

Ch. 32

Full page for reference.

When Hakuri recounts a version of the abuse flashbacks, they're not merely downsized to fit. They're cropped to downplay the gang-ups and are smaller in size compared to the rest of his story, almost as if he doesn't think it's that big of a deal compared to being unable to keep up with his siblings. We don't even see his own words describing what happened despite him talking freely about everything else. Instead, the abuse sequence is treated like the panel where he describes Soya's "love"- Hakuri talking to Chihiro and Shiba about his suffering is an unpleasant aside to give context rather than the main event.

Seriously. The dialogue of him explaining why his family gave up on him over the reused backdrop of the Sazanami estate is given more time than him being hit and kicked. Chihiro and Shiba get the "it wasn't so bad" version of events compared to what Hakuri remembers experiencing, and we're invited to treat what's normally the foundation of a character's entire existence as a convenient explanation for why he's so goddamn sturdy.

Neither of them noticeably react to his story too. We got a bit from Shiba in the car in Chapter 26 when he realized Hakuri was probably stewing in self-hatred, but we've never seen any of Chihiro's thoughts or reactions since he was disgusted by Kyora using Hakuri as a bargaining chip. He does reassure Hakuri that they'll be there to help him, but isn't it strange we don't see Chihiro's reaction to this information at all? We see little panels of his concerned faces all the time for less than what Hakuri talked about here:

Chihiro cares a hell of a lot, and he's very attentive to boot.

Obviously we don't see Chihiro and Shiba's reactions because they aren't important. This isn't about Hakuri's abuse- we already knew about it. The focus is on Hakuri's awakening and his faith in Chihiro, not the past.

This is a victim's mindset manifesting as clever visual storytelling, in my opinion. Of course it's not that bad when he has to talk about it; he invited it by being weak and not living up to standards. It wasn't a big deal though. There's more important stuff to do right now anyway. And the story moves on as if to agree with him- we go right back to our regularly scheduled action scenes interspersed with some flashbacks to contextualize other characters, namely Tenri and the Sazanamis before Hakuri was rejected.

That's right, Hakuri once again dodges abusive past cliches by being doted on and cared for before he was found lacking. He knew what it was to be loved, even if the Sazanami version is manipulative to the point of being abusive all by itself. There's more to say about this under Kyora's section but no wonder Hakuri's so fixated on being useful- he wants that affection and sense of belonging back more than anything. It's fucked up, but it's all he knows. So Hakuri was abused twice over: emotionally and physically. Damn. He turned out pretty alright despite it all, huh? Wonder how that happened...

Well, it's time to move on now so he can ascend and overcome it all. He's gotta yell "Isou!" and prove himself, and the next two chapters seem to be putting him on course to do just that, albeit with some difficulty. Can't make a character's awakening too easy or it won't feel earned. He's got some serious trauma to overcome thanks to his family's bullshit.

Then chapter 35 hits and we get the nightmare fuel.

Ch. 35, The Real Backstory (what Ice Lady knew):

Chapter 35 is that long-awaited full-chapter delve into Hakuri's painful past with the mysterious woman, and boy does it have some unsettling revelations.

Ice Lady's tragedy is framed as the important driving force for Hakuri as we know him- she broke him free from his family's grip and motivated him to seek help to end their evil ways. She's the entire reason we meet him in Chapter 19. Everything Hakuri is doing this arc ties back to how badly he fucked up with her, setting the stage for him to become the savior he tried to be when we met him. Oh yeah, we got more Hakuri abuse lore. Can you believe that WSJ let the author get away with showing someone slitting their throat in front of a kid?! And make it at least partially his fault? Jesus Christ. Now it's truly time for him to come into his own, though- oh man that cliffhanger at the end of the chapter...! Wait, what do you mean there was more to his suffering besides the situation with Ice Lady?

I was being a bit facetious there but the point stands. We didn't get a tear-jerker reveal chapter dedicated solely to Hakuri's pain and suffering at long last just to make us feel bad for him and nothing else. Instead, we got a full-blown tragedy caused by the Sazanami cycle of abuse. The nightmare of Ice Lady killing herself in front of Hakuri overshadowed the reveal that damn, Hakuri actually had it super rough. Because yeah, that was unexpectedly brutal even compared to Chihiro being baited with Char's severed leg last arc. It really drove home just how fucked up the situation with the Sazanami family was and how it affected everyone that got tangled up in their bullshit.

So the presentation of what he endured is once again subdued even though the panels showcasing the tools took up half the page. Soya breaking Hakuri's finger was called "bullying" (いじめ[ijime], not 虐待 [gyakutai, abuse]). A single flash back frame off to the side seems small compared to the emphasis on Hakuri telling Ice Lady (and us) that it's "not that bad" because Soya keeps losing the tools and going back to using his fists (the terror in Hakuri's expression in that panel is completely at odds with how calm is explanation is, though). It's also not unreasonable to presume that the jump rope, peeler, and wrench were shown for the audience's benefit to clue us in that Hakuri's holding back again, much like the panel describing Soya's "love" in chapter 24. He's always saying the bare minimum and trying not to think of the rest- he buries that shit deep.

But he has to if he wants to keep going. There's no way he can sit down and process all of this right now:

Hakuri: "It's normal for my brother to break my bones and worse before he loses the tools. He usually only hits me anyway, so it's not like this happens all the time."

Woman betrayed by the man she loved to be sold at an auction as merchandise to the boy overseeing her captivity: "That's messed up!"

"This is as close as I can get to being cherished by the people who are supposed to care for and support me."

He even misses the point when he finally does open up:

"You're the one who's trapped in a cage."

This part is the hardest for me to write about, honestly. Again: I was never tortured or anything, much less hit. But this chapter is the one that made me take a good, hard look at what I went through and connect some dots. Hakuri's mindset, the things he says, the way he phrases things- that's someone who doesn't want to acknowledge that they're in a bad situation that's not their fault.

Hakuri will talk about his own worthlessness and all his defects that "invite" the abuse, but he won't acknowledge that he doesn't deserve what's happening to him at all. He's not the kind of shounen character who understands that his situation sucks and uses it as fuel to become better. Instead, he's stuck in that oh-so-relatable spiral of self-deprecating negativity that keeps victims trapped.

It's easier for Hakuri to think he deserved it for his own failings. This wouldn't be happening if he hadn't earned it somehow. He's in this situation because he's weak and any "love" is better than none at all. Then it's reinforced by the genuine helplessness and vulnerability of being too isolated to escape or know better, compacting down into dense layers of denial and self-hate that act as defensive armour against emotions that are too difficult to face. Like anger or the desire for something better. Like hope. Those are only felt on behalf of others, not himself.

At any rate, it's a bit distressing that so many people forget that Hakuri's actually a hell of a lot more complex than he was hinted to be before this chapter. He's not an innocent in all this like Char was, which is incredibly smart and realistic writing from the author. Hakuri was also an abuser himself. An accidental one, but doesn't matter when you talk to someone the way he did to Ice Lady. He didn't swing the knife but he did kill her with the same mentality that was crushing him down on the inside.

He doesn't use his suffering as an excuse for anything he does, good or bad. Not even in the sense of wanting to save others- that's all about Ice Lady and his family's terrible legacy. What happened to him isn't worth mentioning or acting on. Yet another distressingly accurate facet of a victim's mentality, unfortunately.

But this must be it. This chapter was a depressing surprise but surely there's nothing left to reveal. We had his big moment of sadness so it's only going up from here. Hakuri's going to overcome everything and it'll all be okay! Back to standard shounen powerups!

Chs. 36-43, Putting the Past to Rest (things only Hakuri knows):

Oh.

In chapter 36, the storehouse reveal somewhat overshadows all the instruments of abuse Hakuri unwittingly stored inside it. There are a lot of people who completely forgot about the objects in there during the hype of the moment, and I never get tired of seeing "WTF?!" posts and comments from folks doing re-reads of the arc. It's so easy to overlook the rope and sticks and all the other tools when you're cheering hard for Hakuri to finally, finally overcome his tragic past by putting Soya down. Worst Big Bro is gonna pay and Hakuri's ascension will be complete! ... Wait, was that a goddamn chair?

There's also a point made of Soya's defeat not being a resounding victory.

Still framing Soya's abuse as love, but it's got a bitter feel to it this time.

Hakuri is the one who gives Chihiro strength in the moment despite everything he's just been through.

We're cheering when he awakens and pressurizes Soya's guts, but then these panels remind us that there's nothing to celebrate from Hakuri's perspective. He doesn't savor finally overcoming Soya as his abuser or the manifestation of everything that's messed up about his family. There's no immediate sense that things will be okay from now on either. To Hakuri, this isn't a personal victory. It's just something that needed to be done for Ice Lady and all the victims of the Rakuzaichi.

This is a sort of capstone to Hakuri's backstory. The second-to-last new thing we learn about him is that the abuse was still somehow worse than we thought. He really, truly buries the lede when it comes to what he suffered and the writing is in cahoots with him on it. He won't even take the time to smile or feel a little relief- he's not ready for that yet. Instead he just walks past Tenri's mutilated corpse to pull Chihiro along to get the job done.

If this was a different series we might get a little more catharsis- even just the barest hint that Hakuri's gonna be just fine from now on. But this is Kagurabachi and the author fucking gets it so there's still a little more to unpack before Hakuri can have an opportunity to begin the healing process.

In chapter 37, the pain of Kyora looking away was framed as just as important to Hakuri as the fond memories of when he was loved and wanted:

"... I still wanted you to praise me, Father."

The very last thing we learn about Hakuri is that he wanted his father's love despite it all.

Hakuri ended the torment from Soya- he'll never have to worry about his skin being peeled off or getting beaten with a pipe ever again. But the cycle that caused it- and the complex feelings for the people who hurt him- aren't so easily dealt with. It's not so simple as being hurt and flipping a switch to stop feeling affection for the perpetrator. So Hakuri acknowledges that he still wanted his father's praise in spite of the years of torment the man knowingly enabled.

In the end, Kyora grants Hakuri's secret wish and acknowledges him at the very last as the chaos fades away so that they're the only thing in each other's view. He really, truly won it all. He doesn't rejoice in victory, though. Once more there's no triumph for Hakuri to celebrate. Killing his father was just another thing that had to be done so that there would never be another Ice Lady.

It's hard to say what exactly Hakuri's feeling about Kyora's death since it's yet another thing we haven't seen him talk about- and may never. It's not too much of a stretch to think he's got a complex mix of sadness, relief, and guilt going on, though. At least the moment when their eyes met was intensely cathartic after all the times Kyora deliberately looked away. But Hakuri's still not okay yet.

It's not like life suddenly gets better when the abuser is gone for good in some cases. Hakuri's still struggling in the immediate aftermath of seeing his father die at last. It's a relief that there won't be any more pain caused by the Sazanami clan -and Kyora in particular- but it still fucking hurts to lose someone so important to you. It's also frightening to suddenly be thrust into the unknown without a guide of any kind.

Fortunately for him, Hakuri is able to find new purpose with Chihiro. He gets to walk away from his family and stay with the people who believed in him. This is another thing that I can't praise the author enough for. It's far, far too common for writers to frame victims reforming their abusers as some kind of ultimate victory.

No, no, no!

The most charitable way to explain this is that the survivor is so saintly that they'll even reach out to the ones who hurt them to help them become better people. But that is such utter bullshit I don't even have the words to express myself properly. It's terrible messaging for survivors. They don't have any obligation whatsoever to help the people who hurt them. They don't even have to keep tabs on how the abusers are doing in a general sense. They get to fucking leave and find happiness with people who treat them well. That is the true ideal.

Hakuri being given a clear out to leave is where the rest of the catharsis in his story comes from. He doesn't have to stay and fix things even though he absolutely could as the first person since the clan's founder to have both Isou and the storehouse powers. Kyoura and Soya are gone- he could have stepped in to make the clan right their wrongs and atone as a family. But there's not even a hint of guilt tripping from the author about Hakuri's decision to follow Chihiro. It's framed as the best possible thing for him to do, in fact.

If he stayed, he'd never work on the other issues around self-worth that he's burying so deep inside. Switching from villainy to good deeds won't resolve the issues with the clan's mindset about being living tools for a greater cause either. Not to mention the fact that there's nothing his siblings can offer him even if they treat him like a king for the rest of his life- the damage was already done long ago. There's nothing left for him there except more misery and stagnation. He needs to go with Chihiro, his new north star, to learn how to heal.

But lest this outcome be too heartwarming, Hakuri's still not directly facing everything that he went through. Hakuri phrases working alongside Chihiro as "proving the value that [Chihiro] saw in him", not "starting over" or "making the world a better place together" or even "paying Chihiro back" by helping him on his mission. He's still trying to be useful in the service of someone else like a tool.

Hakuri's bruises are already fading; or at least they were until I had to edit this part in light of the events of chapter 56 onward. But the mental scars of the abuse are still guiding his actions and thought processes even if he doesn't acknowledge it. And that's where we come back to the torture implements still hidden in his warehouse.

Hakuri's not home free despite us collectively sighing in relief that he got his Happily Ever After, subdued as it was. He needs to face what he's been avoiding and burying so that he's not endangering Chihiro's plan and the people around him by throwing himself in danger just to be even the slightest bit useful.

Oftentimes, trauma is an invisible scar that needs to be worked around for the rest of someone's life- hence why he's still got those physical manifestations stored deep inside where only he can see and grant access. Hakuri's only just started out on the path to redemption and recovery. He needs to start addressing the guilt over Ice Lady and learn some tough lessons about self-worth before he can even begin to look further inside to those Visual Metaphor Tools.

After that, if the author's interested in continuing this part of Hakuri's character, is exposing them and what they mean to someone who can help Hakuri get rid of them. Whether that's Chihiro, Shiba, or someone else doesn't really matter. Hakuri's got a long road ahead dealing with the lingering after-effects, unlike so many of his fictional fellow survivors. He's still very much in need of a lot of support from his new found family- now more so than ever after what happened in chapter 58.

Soya and Kyora

There's something to be said about the writing for the primary abusers, too. The Rakuzaichi arc was well-received in large part to Kyora being an incredible villain and Soya being... Soya.

Soya

And the "Worst Big Brother" Award goes to...

Soya serves two primary purposes in the narrative: to contrast Hakuri's character, and be the manifestation of everything that was wrong with the clan.

Soya and Hakuri share similar looks, hand gestures, and extreme expressions but they couldn't be more different. Soya has the inverse of Hakuri's character framing: he's shown to be competent and strong, and almost everyone in-universe acknowledges him as such-we're even told he's smarter than Kyora. But he's actually quite the pathetic loser due to his freakish obsession with his "weak" little brother.

More obviously, Soya is the rotten core of the family. He's obsessive over Hakuri to an extremely alarming degree- he even refuses his duties as the next clan head and a member of the elite Tou to find and stay with Hakuri. Kyoura tells him to "stop fixating on that failure" but Soya's having none of it, he just can't let go of his "endearing" weakling of a little brother. Bullying Hakuri is what he lives for and he does it all in the name of purest love. Just like the clan lives for the Rakuzaichi and are devoted to it mind, body, and soul. They're both extremely toxic and Soya's the guy who gets to represent the deleterious effects of cleaving to abusive mentalities on individual members.

Soya's fists and words to Hakuri are the blatant messaging about what the Sazanami mindset did to him. He had that mental block preventing him from using his sorcery because he was constantly being told he was weak and useless. It was literally beaten into him as a form of love, but not all abusive mentalities need to be reinforced with violence. Soya was just there to make the point too obvious to be missed.

Hakuri's final words to Soya say it all. Soya throws a tantrum over Hakuri refusing to lay down and take the abuse any more and screams "Why won't you go down?! Why won't you die?!" Hakuri simply responds that it's because Soya "always loved [him]" and deals the final blow. He was able to recognize the strengths his family gave him through Soya's "love" but he's not grateful in the slightest (and he shouldn't be). He's simply ready to sever all ties and move on with tearing it all down now. Hakuri was finally able to accept that he didn't want or need that kind of love in his life any more.

Kyora

And the "Worst Dad" Award goes to...

Obviously, Kyoura is the key to this whole mess. He's the one who instilled his children with corrupt values, enabled Hakuri's abuse, and generally Fucked Up Big Time when it came to loving his kids properly. But he thought he was doing the right thing because what's what he went through. He was both abuser and victim himself, just like Hakuri.

This is the key part of abusive backstories that are so often missed. Abuse doesn't always come from deadbeat caretakers that hate the innocent little kid. That scenario is actually way too over represented in fiction, honestly. Abuse isn't always constant malice- it can start later in life. It can even be born from love. Ultimately, it's all too often the unintended consequence of a family haunted by the specter of the cycle. And Kyora is the perfect summary of how and why it echoes through generations.

Hakuri was loved and wanted for at least half of his life. His family might not be wholesome or have healthy attitudes about affection, but he wasn't born hated and mistreated just for existing. He was cared for to the best of his dad's ability just like Tenri and his other siblings.

Even when Hakuri failed to live up to expectations, Kyora didn't just write him off and turn him loose. He kept Hakuri around for years feeding and clothing him and let him try to do what he could. Kyora simply couldn't justify protecting him or showing love since the family ideals were so warped around being able to serve the clan's tradition. He wasn't "allowed" to love a failure, no matter how much he wanted to.

Kyoura struggled about his feelings for his "worthless son" in the flashback we saw through Tenri's PoV- he wanted Hakuri to succeed. He acted like Hakuri forced his hand to punish and marginalize him for failing too hard, not out of ill-will. And during the raid itself he was actually "bent out of shape because he used Hakuri's life as a bargaining chip", according to Enji. It wasn't even until Hakuri showed up to break into the storehouse that Kyora truly cast everything away to prioritize the Rakuzaichi. He really did love Hakuri in his own way.

Kyora was a shitty dad and person, don't get me wrong. No one should put family tradition over their child's well-being and he more than earned his death just by being a human trafficker. But it's clear that Kyora wasn't written to be a shallow, irredeemable monster of a person- he didn't exist in the story just to be a villain and to make us feel bad for Hakuri. He's a tragic character in his own right.

He couldn't even understand why his wife's final words about the auction ruining their lives was replaying in his head near his final moments. The what-if scenario of his happy family sitting down to eat dinner in an apartment somewhere showed his longing for something that he could have had, if not for the goddamn auction. If not for the abuse that made him into the person he chose to be until the very end.

It's why Hakuri getting to walk away is such a poignant end to the Rakuzaichi arc. He's the one who gets to break the cycle on his own terms, and that's the true end of the Sazanami dynasty. The auction hall doesn't collapse until he decides to stand tall and follow a new path. Whatever Hakuri's siblings do with the Sazanami legacy isn't his concern any more- he's free.

What About Char?

Char's story was also well told! It's the earliest evidence that the author actually gets it when it comes to depicting abuse victims. She's reticent despite her desperation, unable to open up even when Shiba and Chihiro tell her she needs to or they'll send her to an orphanage. Eventually Chihiro wins her trust through his altruism and she comes to believe in him. She and us are the only ones who know exactly what happened with her mom, but it's not important for the rest of the cast to be in on it. She's safe and happy now and that's enough.

Even though Char's arc ended close to that overly-simplistic "everything is k now" scenario that I hate, there's one key difference that sets it apart to let us know that no, she's not truly okay yet.

Char's still got some attachment issues, which makes perfect sense. She lost her mom in a traumatic way so of course she's happily surprised that Chihiro came back to her. Char's on the path to healing- she's able to thrive thanks to Team Goldfish's care- but her abusive past still shapes who she is in small ways like this.

I doubt we'll see more development of her beyond checking in now and then. She's too young to be consistently involved in the heavy themes of Kagurabachi's story, much less the fights. But it's good to know that the author includes little details like this so we don't assume Char's 100% fine now. He understands that trauma doesn't just vanish when the victim's safe in their Happily Ever After scenario. That's why he made sure we knew that she's going to be okay in the long-run.

Ch. 26, right after Chihiro trades Enten for Hakuri

But Hakuri's not there himself yet.

Food as a metaphor for comfort, security, and/or connection is constant in this series. It's very obvious symbolism to let the author convey a bit more context in the scene than dialogue alone can. So when Hakuri rejects food here, he's rejecting reassurance from Shiba. Meanwhile Char's already comfortable enough to accept it. Good for her, truly!

Hakuri's situation wasn't necessarily worse than hers, but it was a lot more complex. So even though he's safe now, he's not really able to pursue his happiness yet. All those tools he keeps locked up inside, the mindset of being one himself- they're still issues for him to work through. But there's hope for him too.

The author went out of his way to show us that Hakuri's also on the path to healing here. The last time Hakuri shared food with someone, he was forcing his abusive ideology on Ice Lady. She started finishing the meals and truly internalizing the hopelessness of her situation. He fucked up the food as comfort/connection metaphor bad with her.

Yet in Chapter 47, we see Hakuri sharing some snacks with Chihiro on the train. Sharing food isn't connected to the situation at hand or the information dump it's serving as backdrop for, so it's definitely a deliberate choice on the author's part to depict this instead of literally anything else. It was shown to let us know that Hakuri's on his way to his own Happily Ever After.

He's able to connect to Chihiro and not worry about the repercussions. This is a huge step for his character and speaks volumes about the level of trust between them; this is the first time Chihiro's willingly accepted food from someone else too. Hakuri's not only still reaching out to other people, he's still able to provide warmth to others despite it all.

What's Next?

I'm not going to pretend that I can predict what Hakuri's story will look like from here on out. He'll have a hard time for as long as he's slated to get development though- Kagurabachi takes the adage "suffering builds character" very seriously. We're only 58 chapters in as of finally posting this so it's best to strap in and expect a lot more pain.

That said, I feel like Hakuri's self-sacrificing mindset is going to be addressed first. As of chapter 55, he's set up to fail and cause problems by throwing himself into danger despite not being fully healed or rested. The root of this issue would likely be his atoning savior mindset. Hakuri needs to protect and save others very badly after what happened to Ice Lady. He also loathes the idea of others making sacrifices for his sake. So he's willing to throw his life away even when it would be better for his allies if he stayed out of the fighting.

There's also a good reason we met the Makizumi clan in the arc immediately after the Rakuzaichi fell- Hakuri needs to start dismantling the "tool" mindset that was drilled into him. He's only switched his fervor from serving the Rakuzaichi to serving/saving others. This is extremely toxic when combined with his guilt over Ice Lady and drives him to go to extremes to do good, to the point where he's ignoring everyone trying to get him to rest and heal for the sake of the mission if nothing else.

In essence, I believe we are going to finally address the lie of his introduction- that he can keep pushing through hardship with sheer force of will. Because that is not how overcoming trauma actually works.

After that, only the author and his editor know exactly where things will go. But I hope that no matter what happens, Hakuri's lingering trauma is exposed and dealt with. It's informing all of his actions, positive or negative, whether he wants to acknowledge it or not. I have faith that this author can tackle this subject compassionately and realistically- he's already done it twice with Char and the Rakuzaichi arc.

So that's that. If you read all this... thanks. Take care, and choose kindness for yourself for today.

[oneluckydragon]

"Suddenly the world was gray and dull and my heart was so heavy I felt like I couldn’t move, let alone make it back to Treasure Town. But because of Echo’s last wish… I was able to keep living.”

--- --- --- --- ---

SORA : (Partner)

Abilities: Justified / Inner Focus

Nature: Gentle / Hardy

Moveset: Aura Sphere / Metal Claw / Poison Jab / Dragon Pulse

[mail-me-a-snail]

whateva. throws thomas de givras from between two fires on your dash (with a satisfyingly wet and viscous splat)

[silusvesuius]

fly high

[ancha-aus]

RealAgeAU Drabble - Questioning

:3 We are back! And The chaos? The chaos is getting closer and closer. @spotaus

First Drabble Prev Drabble Next Drabble

Lets see how good Crop and Straw are at improv.

*----------------*

Hello Journal.

Sorry I didn’t write yesterday. I was already asleep when I got home.

Yesterday was fun! We did some of the last preparations for the grapes for the colder months and after that we went to Ccino’s!

Ccino had once again locked up shop so it was just us six in there! He also made this amazing new cupcakes for us to try and eat. They were really good. After the snack we went to relax with the cats.

Killer quickly got covered by cats and I think dad couldn’t be happier. He just laid there smiling and unmoving. Cross reassured me that he is fine.

I hugged my own cat version for a while and my dad’s cats also came over to sit and cuddle with me. They all also checked on kitten me before starting to snuggle with me.

It was nice to see my dads relax as well. Just relaxing and making small talk. It is always nice to be at Ccino’s.

It took me a while but I eventually found my old cat in the cupboard behind the counter.

My old cat is still tired a lot and I really wanted to help him. I remembered that we all figured that he is connected to the apples instead of me anymore. And well… the doctors told me that I no longer really use the apple magic anymore as my own magic had seemed to take it back.

So… I may have tried to… give whatever apple magic I had left over to the cat.

My dads weren’t amused. Ccino wasn’t happy either.

The cat is fine! He is a lot more energetic and stronger again! The tails move more and everything!

Tiny downside… euh… the scars on my skull are now permanently visible. Which caused quite the bit of panic with Ccino.

So I may be slightly grounded now. Not allowed to leave the nest and everything. We already went by Fauna for a quick exam but she said I am fine. That the ‘invasive’ magic is all gone. But she worries that my normal magic can’t do it all by itself.

So I need to take it easy again. Which all circles back to me being grounded.

Which means I am not allowed to help around the farm or house at all and I am once again limited from walking.

I don’t mind it. I feel fine if only a bit tired. But now the old cat version of me is fine at least!

Oh. Dad just ran in and he is calling for a meeting.. I wonder what is going on. I will give you an update later.

NM.

--

Crop blinks as he hears his old name shouted. He shoots Straw a look and Straw looks confused as well before both turn around. Crop feels his soul lock up. That… That are Blue and Dream.

Oh no. They have found them?! How?

Straw frowns but shoots him a look and looks thoughtful.

Blue stops before them and grins “Hi Sans. Hi Papyrus!”

Crop sees his brother grin and Straw answers “Hello mysterious person who knows our names yet we do not know.” and he waits.

Blue laughs and nods “Yeah sorry for that. I am just exciting as we have been looking for you guys!” Dream joins them and looks so relieved.

Crop sends his bro a look and Straw sees it.

Straw hums and puffs up his chest “Of course you were looking for me! I am an amazing farmer and many people wish to hear my advice! I have many admires across the globe!”

Blue looks shocked before holding up his hands “Oh no! Not that! We just have some questions which we hope you two can help us with.”

Crop gives a nod “Farming stuff I guess? There are different type of farms and we don’t know about all of them.”

Dream smiles “Can we go somewhere a bit more… private? People are staring.”

Yeah. Crop is not surprised. He can see people keep an eye on them and glaring at the two new arrivals. But saying no would just look more suspicious and like they are trying to hide something.

Seems like Straw made the same conclusion as he cheerfully agrees and they go to the parking lot to talk as it is usually rather quiet. As Straw points things out to the two Crop quickly grabs his phone to check. Only to see about twenty messages all warning him about the strangers in town. Woops. He should check his phone more often. That is a problem for later. For now he quickly finds the guys number and calls them quickly.

It rings twice before Horror picks up “Hello? Horror speaking.”

Crop needs to be vague but still obvious “Hey! I am a bit delayed in town. Some new skeletons walked into town and they are asking for some advice. We will still be in time for lunch!”

Dead silence on the other side before a soft thanks is muttered and Horror hangs up.

Crop just nods to himself as he speaks “Nah it shouldn’t take long. At least.” he acts as if he keeps the mouth piece covered as he looks at Blue and Dream “You two don’t need our help for long right? I had lunch planned with some friends.”

Blue and Dream share a look but shake their skulls.

Crop nods and puts the phone back to the side of his skull “Yeah it shouldn’t take long. Yeah no worries Tori I will be there in time for lunch. See you later.” And he ‘hangs up’.

Dream looks deeply disappointed when he hears Toriel’s nickname and Blue pats his shoulder. Yeah that is what Crop figured.

Straw smiles brightly at the two “What can we help you with! I must admit I haven’t heard of anyone new moving into town!”

Blue shakes his skull “Oh no we aren’t moving in. Just.. looking.” He looks at Dream and waits.

Dream takes a deep breath and smiles “I am Dream, this is Blue, we are looking for my brother and his… friends.”

Crop takes special care to keep his face neutral as he listens.

Dream rubs his arm “It is nothing negative! We. I mean I…” he frowns and thinks “I made stuff into a mess and I need to talk with him.”

Straw tilts his skull “I mean… Why don’t you just call him? If you are brothers you probably have each other’s numbers right?”

Dream looks away pained “It… is a bit more complex than that… Euh…” He and Blue look at each other and share some looks and nods before Dream turns back to them after taking a deep breath “Ever heard of the multiverse theory?”

Crop and Straw share a look. The only reason they both know about it is because Horror took great effort to explain it all after his first stay with them and after he just disappeared again one day.

They both shake their skulls. Dream looks slightly more panicked before shaking his skull and breathing “Well… It is a theory that each decision we make is a branching point. And that one decision leads to one future and the other to another. And that while we pick one, the other future still exists. This is much bigger and complex to easily explain but it means that at any point in time there can be a thousand different you’s going through different things because of different choices, made by you or for you by others.”

They both give a nod.

Dream smiles and points between Blue and himself “We are from other universes. Where everything is so different that you wouldn’t even think we are similar. Blue is actually also Sans but from another universe and timeline.”

Blue laughs and shrugs “I go by Blue to make it easier.”

Dream nods.

Crop gives a slow nod “Okay… say we believe you and not that we think you should go to the hospital. Why are you looking for us?”

Straw hums and gives the thoughtful comment “Would explain why they know our names.”

Dream looks nervous “I am from a very strange universe and a lot happened. I have a twin brother and I am looking for him. We had… a fallen out and I realised some things I didn’t know before. I want to talk with him and apologise.”

That… surprises Crop but he can’t help but not believe it “Really? You want to apologise? Look. I don’t know you and for all I know you are just trying to get sympathy points.”

Dream shakes his skull “I am not! I swear I am not!” he reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of papers. A sneak inside shows that there are many more likewise paper packages in there. Dream pushes it into Straw’s hands and straw starts to curiously look through it.

Dream rubs his hands “I just… Blue managed to figure out that at least my brother’s friends visited this place. Have you seen any other skeletons?”

Crop doesn’t bother to answer as Straw nudges the papers into his hands. Crop starts reading it and stares. This… this is huge. The others. They need to know this.

Dream just keeps staring at them. Waiting.

Fuck. What does he say?

Straw is the one to answer “We don’t have an answer for you. Not yet.”

Blue looks up hopefully and grins “That just means you know something!”

Straw shakes his skull “No. It means we know nothing about you and no matter what we say will give you some kind of information that we are not comfortable giving you. So we are not giving you any answer. We need to look through this information and get it verified before we can even start to make a decision. You are invading our lives and demanding our assistance without even giving us a chance to consider the options. You will leave and leave us be until we considered what this could mean for us.”

Blue looks down and ashamed as Dream rubs his arm “Right… of course… I just… I really want-”

Straw huffs “Yes. You want something. And apparently you have no problem destroying someone’s whole world view and turning up someone’s entire existence to get it. Did you think that maybe we didn’t even want to know about all this universe stuff? That we were happy with our lives? That we didn’t want to be forced to consider these things? You are forcing our hand to think about these things. The least you can do is give us time to consider it all.”

Blue and Dream both flinch but both nod.

Straw nods “And stop trying to force others to consider these life changing things. Leave us be.” He holds out a hand “Give us a phone number to call once we considered this.”

Blue nods as he writes down the number. Still clearly embarrassed.

After which they both apologise and agree they shouldn’t have gone about it the way they did before leaving them.

Crop whistles when they leave “Good quick thinking Straw.”

Straw looks proud “Thank you! It helped that they just started explaining things without even considering what it could mean and do to us. A good way to shift the focus. At least for a short while…” he stares at the papers in his hands “We need to get this to them.”

Crop nods “Lets make sure they aren’t following us before we meet them. Then we can discuss it all together.” he frowns “Also make sure to get a feel for what they said to others.” And both quickly rush off to speak with their neighbours.

*----------------*

First Drabble Prev Drabble Next Drabble

[cherriko-art]

Ok more alnst rambles.

I think my favorite interpretation of both Sua and Ivan's deaths is that their self-sacrifice was less about saving their loved ones than it was that they themselves could not live without Mizi/Till. Like this belief that yes, we're choosing our loved ones over our own lives, but also with the belief that Mizi/Till would be able to live past their (Sua/Ivan) deaths.

But for both Sua and Ivan, they could not find any reason to live if Mizi/Till were to die instead in their rounds. Both are absolutely obsessed with their partners - their entire reason for living revolves around Mizi/Till, bc for both Sua and Ivan, their lives were empty husks until they met them.

Ivan calls Sua out for being a self-sacrificing idiot, calling her selfish bc it'll only leave Mizi traumatized over her death. According to him, her choosing to die was not out of love for Mizi, it was a purely selfish choice bc Sua cannot live without Mizi. But in the end, Ivan is the exact same.

So dying for their loved ones? Easy. But ask them to live with their loved ones' deaths? Over their dead bodies.

[oil-bh]

Do you think, when he was arrested, that Cell was seen as the same as any other prisoners? Do you think he resided in the same places, ate the same food, performed the same work? Do you think the guards saw him and his violent history and let him roam the same as the thieves whose POV we saw it through?

Or do you think they saw this barely 18-year-old, who turned to violence and cannibalism as a means to survive, and recognized the danger he posed? Do you think they held him down, fought against his struggle, and let the other prisoners know that he wasn’t like them?

Do you think Cell was confused, confused as to why he was so different from the other Brazilians that lived in those same conditions? Do you think that he saw them as threats not because they were ones, but rather, because he knew that they lived so much better than him, yet still wound up here?

Do you think this man— if you could even call this teen a man— saw JV, Pac, Mike, and Guaxinim as threats out of jealousy? Empty wishes that he could have lives their lives and made smarter decisions to be a free man roaming the earth?

Do you think he cried when they held him down and put that infernal thing on him?

Não.

Ele é um animal.

Os animais não sentem.

[skunkes]

1 week until surgery...my brain keeps trying to talk me out of it bc i dont Need it and im scared of medical environments and Pain but i have to remember this is one of the only things that has ever made me consider wanting a tattoo and also the only thing that's made me Excited For and Wanting visible scars...

And also I've been making "i want sterilization and testosterone" meltdown tweets every other week for many many years so we're scratching one off the list LOL

[quaranmine]

oh my god guys i just realized one of the oddly specific "irrelevant" things i researched for firewatch au became relevant in my job AND is the reason i know my manager is wrong about this particular thing

[adultish-momma]

Ink Dandelions

Ruggie agrees to what he thinks is just a fun outing with Yuu before everyone comes back from break and vies for their attention, but as he should expect when it comes to them, things end up more complicated than he bargained for.

TW: Tattoos and getting tattoos, mention of past trauma, mention of past violence, mention of scars, mention of nightmares, mention of asphyxiation/snakebites, mention of intentional violence, possessive thoughts.

A/N: MONTHS. THIS TOOK MONTHS TO WRITE. I really really really wanted to write this concept, I really really really wanted Ruggie to have his time to shine, to show it's not just the OB boys and Housewardens who are affected by this Yuu, but COHESIVENESS man gets me everytime :'(

"Where are we going exactly? Because I remember something about donuts, and this is not the way to the donut stall."

"I know, and I will get you those donuts, but after my appointment. This place doesn't allow any food or drink, besides water, for the clients."

"So explain to me why exactly I had to be the one to come with you then? Don't you have your pet cat and that card duo to drag along on your errands? I already gotta play errand boy for Leona, what's in it for me?"

There's a way Yuu will look at people, this intense look in their eye that he's never been able to quite pin down before. They're not looking through you, it's different than the way somebody like Floyd or Riddle might look at you, like you're not even there. And Yuu's stare isn't invasive either, not intentionally at least, no Ruggie is well aware of what that looks and feels like. There are too many guys at NRC that have perfected that calculating, dissecting gaze of looking into you, of being able to find your every flaw with just a heavy look. (He sees it enough on his own Dormleader's face.)

Yuu levels him with their unique, flustering, soul-searching look right there on the street corner. They're quiet as they wait for the signal that it's safe for them to cross, seemingly giving his sarcastic question some serious thought. It makes him squirm, makes his skin itch in an unfamiliar way, makes his ears flick and his tail twitch and it's not unpleasant, particularly, but it's different and he's about to say something taunting and probably rude just to get the Prefect to stop looking at him like that and -

Suddenly they're wrapping their hand around his own, gentle but firm as they finally turn away and tug him across the intersection. He thinks they're just going to ignore his earlier jabs, and that's fine, there was nothing serious behind them in the first place. Leona hasn't come back from break yet, and Ruggie had just returned yesterday, so as long as they held true to their promise of sugary delights, the hyena really didn't have any other plans today.

"I think you're the only one in all of NRC who will actually understand why I have this appointment. And if you decide you want it too, then I'm more than happy to pay for yours." They aren't looking at him, eyeing a nondescript storefront that they are determinedly dragging him towards. But their voice is somber, serious in a way he's really only heard inside the confines of the school infirmary. It makes him reach for his elbow, fingers tracing the scar he tried very hard to hide from his family over the break.

They catch the movement, he knows they do. But instead of commenting, they push inside the shop, letting him go once he's passed the threshold so they can approach the person at the reception desk. And Ruggie is left standing there, thinking to himself that this must be what whiplash feels like, because the stark difference between slipping into a slow spiral of complicated memories and baffled bewilderment is absolutely wild.

This is not where he thought the Ramshackle Prefect would be taking him today.

The tattoo shop is warm and cozy, surprisingly enough. Almost every inch of the waiting area up front is covered in tattoo designs. There's art in every different style known to man. From small, modern, simple designs to some massive traditional pieces he'd see back in the slums of the Sunset Savanah to everything in between from every corner of Twisted Wonderland. Ruggie is pulled back from his admiration for the art by the conversation brewing between the Prefect and the tattoo artist leading them to the back, Yuu waving at him to follow along.

"This is gonna be the last one right? I shouldn't have to see you in here again after we finish up this piece, correct?"

"Wow, okay, I see how it is, already sick of me huh?"

"Nah, of course not, you're one of my favorite customers. Some of my favorite art to walk out that door too. But considering exactly why you've enlisted my services, yeah, I want this to be the last one."

Ruggie feels like he's having an out-of-body experience. Sure, he can still feel the shop around him, too many predator instincts ingrained in his DNA to truly lose all his faculties. But as the artist and Yuu keep talking in that weirdly professionally intimate way, he feels his mouth go dry and his limbs lock up. And as Yuu takes off their overly thick turtleneck, revealing the tank underneath, it feels as if the world slows down to a syrupy crawl, like his head is dipped underwater and the only thing solid and real in this new world of his is the expanse of the Prefect's skin that he's now faced with.

Ruggie was there for Azul's Overblot. True he passed out before the fight had ended, but he dimly remembers seeing the cephalopod's tentacles wrap around Yuu's neck and squeeze. (He wakes up in cold sweats some mornings, trying to gulp down as much oxygen as possible when his nightmares decide to play around with that particularly traumatizing experience.) So there's a part of him that flinches, hard, when he sees the tentacles that are inked into the Prefect's skin. They wrap around their neck the same way the Octavinille's housewarden did, although these ones are more stylized than the real thing, purples and lilacs and oil-slick blacks creating a haunting effect on their skin. The suckers look a little more raised than the rest of the artwork, but otherwise, it's a gorgeous piece of work. Makes him less nauseous to see that than the old, awful bruising that used to decorate Yuu's collarbone.

It's the piece of artwork on their right shoulder that cause a ball of anxiety to develop in Ruggie's chest. Sure, the stark reminder of that day in Octavinille isn't exactly pleasant, and seeing the pottery-crack scar on their left shoulder always fills Ruggie with a complicated concoction of emotions, but he knows about those events, he was there for them. He'd seen the damage firsthand for both, helped them with their bandages for both occasions, shared one of those scars with them. But if they are getting tattoos as reminders of the events that left them scarred so far this year, which Ruggie is inclined to believe is the case as he watches the artist prep the area surrounding Leona's mark, then what happened to them over the winter break?

Slithering up the Prefect's right shoulderblade is the tail of a snake, burnt oranges and blood reds and coopery bronze scales climb the snake in an almost hypnotic pattern. They turn, and he can see that the head of the snake rests on the front of their shoulder, fangs poised over two holes just to the right of where their collarbone meets the shoulder. Its hood is flared, and the cobra's garnet-red eyes seem to follow you, daring people to come close lest its fangs end up embedded in them. It's an incredibly detailed and realistic piece, the snake leaving shadows along Yuu's skin and the fangs actually looking like they've... pierced... skin...

"Did you get bitten by a snake??!!"

"Yes, and?"

"What do you mean 'and?'?? When? Why? How?"

And as the Prefect settles down in the chair, they tell him.

-------

Ruggie has spent the past hour in silence, processing everything Yuu told him, watching their newest tattoo bloom to life on their skin, trying to force the nausea to leave his system. At first, he thought Yuu's near-death experience was his main cause of discomfort, and don't get him wrong, it did bother him. Incredibly so.

But the longer they sat there under the tattoo gun, the pissier he became.

It's not like this new tattoo was ugly or anything. In fact, it was gorgeous, something that would make him salivate in any other situation. It was done in the traditional Sunset Savanna style, harsh lines and bold swirls, matte black lines creating an intricate design across their left shoulder. He spent the past hour watching the cracked, jagged lines of Leona's scar disappear beneath a complicated geometric pattern. When he realizes they've replaced the mark of a lion with a massive inked lion head, something in him snarls.

"It's a reminder, not a claim."

"... I don't know why you think you need to explain. 'Aint got nothin' to do with me."

"It's a reminder. It's a reminder I choose, something I have control over. There's no magic in existence that can heal the scars left behind from an Overblot, these are scars I'm stuck with for the rest of my life and I had no choice in it. These are my choice. And I chose to swap the scar tissue for a lion so nobody, especially the person who hurt me could forget it."

Well, now Ruggie feels bad. A little. He gets it, probably the only person on campus who can get it, but that doesn't quell the possessive urge inside of him that's furious with the Prefect for doing... something. He's not quite sure what exactly about this whole situation that's got him so upset.

He grabs his elbow, as the artist paints glimmering gold for the lion's facial features, stuck in his own messy, complicated feelings from that messy, complicated day. Leona is one of his closest relationships, a weird mess of a balance between friend and servant, equal and lesser. Their relationship has always been about mutual benefits, symbiotic always, platonic sometimes. And Ruggie can’t even look at his arm because it reminds him that there was a moment, before Leona Overblotted, before you can write it all off as something done under magical insanity, a moment where Leona actively tried to hurt him, actively and intentionally tried to maim him. And Ruggie is still bitter about it, still brings it up occasionally to inflict some of the complicated hurt on Leona that he still feels, but Ruggie is also exhausted and tired and wants to move on.

He looks up and Yuu has him pinned with that pleasantly infuriating look again, like they can read every thought he's currently having and every thought he's ever had and every thought he could have in the future. And it makes him feel so incredibly seen, but right now while he's drowning in such an emotional internal shit show, he wants nothing more than for them to stop looking at him. He's too vulnerable like this, too on the edge, too irrationally mad.

"I think you should get a coverup tattoo."

"I think you're projecting your emotional bullshit."

....

"What would I even get, huh? No way in hell I'm getting a matching tat."

"I think you should get a Dandelion."

....

"I don’t know, I just don’t feel like you should let Leona have such a physical claim over you. Like, turn this thing that he did to you, this mark he gave you, and make it into something that’s yours. Your flower, your mark, your body, you know?"

And it's not a bad idea, not at all, but it does nothing to satisfy the feral thing that's been pacing in his chest, snarling and chomping at the bit during this whole stupid endeavor.

"Besides, we can say we've got matching flower tattoos!"

If anyone ever doubted Ruggie's predatory status, they should've seen the way he fucking locked onto the Prefect's newly revealed thigh. He was so intently taking in the vine of roses circling their left leg, a constricting band of blood red and bone white roses, vivid green leaves and night black thorns, so intent was he that he almost missed how his disquiet had quieted, calmed and placated.

Oh. Oh, that's what was bothering him.

Because he’d been watching the tattoo come to life and a part of him had died a little inside with every stroke of ink but he couldn’t figure out why. But it turns out he’d always thought of the scar as a sorta good thing, a little bit, in the very back of his head. Because Yuu had the same scar, and it tied them together. And when Yuu erased their scar (for very valid reasons he knows this) they erased the connection they shared with him. Erased their connection and replaced it with something connecting them to Leona of all people.

But instead, he can now have this with them, something they both choose to happen to them. In this cozy, tucked-away store on the far side of town, they can have this tie, and Ruggie really, really likes that idea.

[enhanced-operatives-division]

i don't think you've made a solaris design yet.... but am i allowed to request solaris anyways. or will i get beaten with two billion hammers until i die. for this.

No hammers for you, these asks hold me accountable to actually design the characters...

Filled a double page spread with just her...thus the 'Oops! All Solaris'

On THAT note, +2 sketchbook pages filled, 6/30 completed. I have 2 weeks until my hand in so I gotta pick up the pace. Blimey.

[dvdkisser]

Wanted to give her a new look for after her arrest

[wetslug]

i go in n out on wanting a tattoo scar coverup but im worried itll actually accentuate the scars MORE and draw the eye to the area (cuz duh theres a tattoo there) and thus ill have spent hundreds of dollars and come out worse

[hyper-cryptic]

(I DIDN'T FORGET A CAPTION... YOU DID!)

He pop'd in my brain and some demon took over my body to draw him n' other sillies from this au. :3