#so it means a whole lot to me so it may have disproportionate weight in the story based entirely on my feelings

[seeminglyseph]

i ordered food from a movie theatre ‘cause they had cotton candy. I am going to try and sort some stuff out. again. completely beginning tonight with an intent to sort out a basic start to a timeline and maybe some base character traits to spin off of. (sometimes I don’t even keep the initial trait it’s just like a concept to start with.) try and figure out a vague timeline I can bullshit because... Ares is Dionysus�� great grandfather and Hermes was basically his babysitter and Apollo is older than Hermes and like how far do we go to bring in the like... concepts. The fates and children of Zeus that have fewer stories but are concepts and things that happen. Do I want to visually define the Titans from the Olympians? often they’re depicted bigger but also some of them get together with Olympians without question.... idk. there’s so much like....... history before Dionysus was born that sometimes it’s like ‘okay but then how do I explain the whole history of zeus and stuff???’ but I think I’ll slowly have Dionysus figure it out, that’s the most natural way for a story to work...

But I also want to work in stories of other gods ‘cause they are all super interesting so probably I can work stuff in like Apollo talking about Hyacinthus or Eros and Psyche fitting in.. plus since I’m taking liberties I can do stuff like have other myths that should have happened earlier happening at the same time @_@;;;; like during Dionysus’ journey somewhere in the background the labours of Heracles are going on... Since Perseus and Theseus affect Dionysus’ life I have to figure out how to fold them in and I get to consider doing horrible things to their bones. I have to.... figure out how to deal with Nycaea somehow and it might end up being another case of Eros being of an entirely chaotic neutral energy. it is written that Eros hits him with the arrow. I know there’s a lot of stuff that I could just write off or write out, but I’d like to see if there’s a way to make it work first... I’m gonna at least put down my thoughts if I can’t motivate myself to start drawing. Maybe collecting some references. I’m spending tonight indulgently reading articles on theoi and thinking about how I can definitely not host something this gory, incestuous or full of sexual violence as this on like.... fucking webtoon. (I do appreciate hosting sites like this for having a catalogue of titles I can find and it does a lot, buuuuuut I want to be an edgelord. also good lord, could you imagine trying to make a greek myth webtoon right now? I am not competing with that aesthetic. that art style was the smartest fucking thing to hit webcomics in ages. like it or not it catches your eye and that can be more than enough. I’m not capable of an art style that pops that much nor do I want that general an audience.

[theritualofourexistence]

[hyper]tension

There are so many things I could be writing about right now. 

I’ve chosen to stick with one of the things I know best for this post.

Did you guess “body image issues and the problem of narrowly defining the concept of health?” 

If so: a cookie for you! 

A handful of pictures popped up in my Timehop from 12 whole years ago that gave me pause the other day.

Sometimes when I see older pictures of myself I am overwhelmed by how different I look now... in a bad way. I see myself in those pictures as thin and beautiful and I see myself now as a sausage monster stuffed into bike shorts. 

The more I sit with and work on my body image issues, the more I have noticed healthier thinking habits developing. Let me be clear, this has been an incredibly slow process. But seeing those changes is something I am really encouraged by... and it makes the every day body image fight have some measurable value. 

I can say with confidence that, at 200 pounds, my body image is currently the best it has ever been.

That has nothing to do with the specific number on the scale and everything to do with working really hard over a lot of years to understand that neither “beauty” or “health” are inherently defined as “thin.” A fundamental pillar of that understanding is that you cannot separate mental health from the concept of general health. 

Mainstream culture does this. 

Mainstream culture wants you to believe that it’s your weight or your BMI that determines whether or not you are healthy.

That is bullshit. 

Here are the pictures of me from 12 years ago. We were moving my high school boyfriend into his freshman dorm for his first year of college. I don’t think any of the people in these photos will mind me sharing them in the context of this blog post. 

I am *THIN* in these pictures.

I am 17.

Apart from a very clear warning sign that I was already developing horrible posture, I noticed a couple of things right away about these pictures when I was looking at them the other day.

My shirt is a size small or extra small. 

I am holding my arm across my stomach in the fourth picture because I do not think I am *thin enough* to be wearing that shirt. 

I may have been a thin 17-year-old. But I was not healthy.

I was physically fit.

I played soccer for three out of four seasons of the year.

But I was not healthy.

I know I wasn’t healthy because I was about to embark on my senior year of high school during which I would, at times, only allow myself one and a half meals per day. Sometimes that one meal would be pasta. Other times that one meal would be a bag of dark chocolate peanut M&Ms and a Mountain Dew. Other times it would be a gallon of strawberries. Other times it would be a family pack of Twizzlers.

My body in those pictures might look healthy. 

But appearance is not an appropriate indicator of health. 

The two times in my adult life that I have been the thinnest have also been the times in my life where I have struggled the most with body image and disordered eating. 

After I escaped the abusive relationship of my freshman year of college, I gained around 20 pounds.

The following summer, I exercised for an hour every day and ate only pickles and Greek yogurt (separately, of course, don’t be gross). 

I lost 30 pounds.

That was also not healthy.

Fast forward a handful of years to 2015. 

I start an anti-depressant. 

Over the course of the next two years I gain around 50 pounds.

Today, in the spirit of full disclosure (and because the numbers don’t mean shit), my weight fluctuates between 190 and 200. 

I am obese.

A mathematical algorithm used to determine BMI has labeled me “obese.” 

My clothing sizes vary day to day thanks to IBS-related bloating but I’m somewhere around a 14-16. 

Do you know the cut-off for plus sizes? 

It’s 14. 

So, I am an obese, plus-sized woman.

The numbers aren’t very polite, are they?

Within the last two years I was diagnosed with severe iron-deficiency anemia.

I committed to correcting that with a number of lifestyle changes including taking supplements and adding iron-heavy foods to my diet. I took Vitamin C to boost my absorption. On days I took the supplement I had no coffee, no tea, no dairy, and no acid-reducer meds. In 6 very committed months, I resolved my iron issues, for the most part. We have since learned that the daily stomach medicine I take may be affecting my iron absorption so, although I am no longer taking supplements, I am taking a daily vitamin to help maintain a healthy level of iron. 

That story is about health.

I had a health issue and I developed a strategy to resolve the issue, being sure to consider my mental health as well. 

I have worked really, really hard to consider my HEALTH instead of my WEIGHT.

This obese, plus-sized woman exercises for around an hour every day. She does not drink alcohol or soda. She is aware of what she eats and is careful to eat when she’s hungry and stop when she’s full. 

One of the ways I know my thinking is healthier is that when I look at bathing suits on Target’s website, I have started to consider their plus-sized models “normal.” 

The average size of an American woman based on the most recent data is between sizes 18 and 20. 

I spent over twenty years unable to see an average-sized woman as beautiful.

Even though the clothing industry has labeled me “plus-sized,” if anything, I am “slightly less than average-sized.” 

In this post, I’m sure my thinking seems sort of piece-meal and disconnected.

In my head, thin-ness and health and body image and eating and exercise and cultural interpretations of beauty are all smashed into one big Frankenstein’s creation. 

For a long, long time I did not consider plus-sized or average-sized women to be beautiful solely because they were not thin.

When I was thin (and not healthy), I know that I considered people of that size, the average size, to be unhealthy.

I am at a point in my life where my habits are the healthiest they have been and my mental health regarding my body image is also the healthiest it has been.

And I weigh 200 pounds. 

You cannot look at a person and have any idea how healthy they are. 

You cannot look at a BMI or a number on a scale and judge a person’s health accordingly. 

I have worked with people who are suicidal who are thin and people who are suicidal who are not thin.

Health cannot be separated from mental health.

Can you be too thin? Absolutely. Your body needs a certain amount of fat and muscle to function properly. Can you be too big? Absolutely. Risks for all kinds of delightfully chronic and fatal conditions increase with weight gain.

Can you be big and be healthy? Yes. 

I know because I am those things.

If you exercise, if you are aware of what you eat and are careful to not over-eat, if you get the vitamins you need, if you prioritize balancing mental health and physical health, if you get enough sleep, “healthy” is within reach for everyone. 

If I ever write a book, it will be about balancing mental health and physical health. Because for basically my entire adult life, I’ve focused on one or the other and that does not work. I promise that if I do write a book, it’ll be better organized than this zig-zaggy blog post.

We have to push back against the cultural tendency to keep mental health separate from our definitions of general health. 

We have to push back against the cultural tendency to define health by how a person looks.

You are not “healthy” if you are not physically healthy.

But you are also not “healthy” if you are not mentally healthy.

And sometimes, especially if you have a tendency toward body dysmorphia or disordered eating, the healthiest option is not to focus on weight loss or buy into a fad diet plan. 

I am not trying to lose weight.

I am trying to be healthy.

And, you could argue, I’m not trying to lose weight BECAUSE I am trying to be healthy.

Trying to lose weight feeds mental illness for me. And that is not healthy.

This blog post is brought to you by a lot of years of working really hard to understand myself. My specific approach to managing my health may not work for you, but I challenge anyone reading this to take a moment and think about whether or not you are giving balanced consideration to physical and mental health. Because, even if our specific situations are different, balancing mental and physical health is the only path to being healthy. For me, for you, for everyone.

This blog post is also brought to you by a new health hurdle that has been laid in my lap over the past few weeks.

I have high blood pressure.

Chronic hypertension runs in my family, so I have a predisposition for high blood pressure. I have not been aware of having it at all in the past but thanks to my mom’s new blood pressure machine, I am aware of it now. 

Learning that I have high blood pressure instigated a bit of a breakdown. 

For a lot of the reasons I have already mentioned.

I’m working really hard to be healthy by balancing my mental and physical health. So why, if both those things are headed in the right direction, does my body not seem to agree?

Well, genetics will do that.

In the name of health, I scheduled an appointment with my doctor. We talked about the typical “lifestyle changes” that would be recommended for someone my age with high blood pressure.

I am already doing all of them. 

There are things I cannot control, however, that are affecting my mental health right now. I am carrying a lot of stress about the upcoming election. I am carrying a lot of stress about Black people being disproportionately arrested, charged, jailed, and killed by police as part of a system of oppression that I would very much like to have a part in dismantling. I am carrying a lot of stress about the pandemic that has killed 170,000 Americans. I have spent 7-8 years learning how to manage my stress. Those tools were not intended to work in situations like this.

So, my doctor and I made a plan to monitor my blood pressure, to try do more meditation and progressive relaxation, to eliminate processed snacks from my everyday diet (on occasion is still allowed), and to start doing some basic weight exercises with my cardio. 

Blood pressure is a really good example of why a healthy approach requires balancing mental and physical health. 

I’ve checked the physical health boxes for blood pressure management. 

And things beyond my control are preventing me from checking the mental health boxes for blood pressure management.

And also, genetics.

With the help of my doctor, I’ve developed a plan that considers both my physical and mental health and only time will tell if that has an impact on my blood pressure. For what it’s worth, my doctor is optimistic. Part of the reason my doctor is optimistic is because I am healthy.

To clarify, being healthy does not mean that my IBS has gone away, it just means I am treating my IBS with diet and medicine. 

Being healthy does not mean my anxiety has gone away, it just means I am in control of my anxiety.

I would not be healthy if I was unable to manage my IBS. 

But I would also not be healthy if I was unable to manage my anxiety. 

I would not be healthy if I had not figured out the value of balancing physical and mental health. 

Just like I found a way to overcome my iron-deficiency anemia, I will find a way to overcome my high blood pressure. It may require new medication and lifestyle changes, but by giving adequate consideration to both my physical and mental health, I have no doubt that I will eventually find a healthy solution to push myself over this hurdle as well.

Gonna wrap this up with a poor quality mirror-selfie I took this morning when I tried on a new bathing suit. This is a (headless) picture of a 200-pound, obese, plus-sized, healthy person.

[leelem0n]

Weight Loss Q&A

Someone asked some questions about weight loss so I thought it might be helpful to some other people. 

1. Do your nipples get smaller as your boobs get smaller? I worry mine won’t shrink and it’ll look strange. No, they stayed the same.

2. Does your FUPA (relating directly to your vagina, not your lower stomach as some associate with your FUPA) get smaller over time as well? Yes, but if you're very obese then you may need skin surgery.

3. Will a buffalo hump decrease? If it is caused by obesity, yes. If it's caused by poor posture or other skeletal defect, no.

4. What do you do in the in-between phase where you’re not fitting your old clothes anymore but don’t want to buy a new wardrobe just to have to do it all again when you’re at your target weight? Great question. I usually wore my big shirts and then bought some leggings. You may need to buy some things for work depending on the uniform, and in that case I would recommend a second-hand shop so you don't spend a bunch.

5. Is the in-between phase as hard to get through as I think it is? I’m sure some people feel that it’s a motivation to keep working hard, but I feel like it could be a huge struggle in the moment to see your body becoming disproportionate and awkward looking until you reach your target weight. Was that a struggle for you and how did you hype yourself up during? Your body wasn't disproportionate and awkward as you gained, it won't be as you lose. It's not like you only lose weight in one section as a time. You keep your same proportions but just reduce overall size. To keep myself motivated, I just told myself that quitting won't get me anywhere good.

6. Do people treat you differently during and after? I myself am guilty of being negatively jealous of people around me losing weight because I wish it were me instead, but have never said anything about it. Do you have people in your life that aren’t afraid to say those things to you, and how do you cope? Yes and no. For the most part, people treated me differently because I saw myself differently. Being really obese, I had absolutely no confidence and, like you, I was mad at everyone else for being slimmer than I was. Once I lost weight, I didn't magically gain confidence but I did stop being jealous of everyone else's body because I felt I started looking like everyone else. Me not being bitter changed my whole demeanor and made it easier for people to approach me and be friendly with me. I was a fat bitch. I hated myself and hated everyone. When I lost the weight, I also lost a lot of that anger/bitchiness, so I was much friendlier and more relaxed, meaning it was easier to make friends and talk to people. No one wants to talk to some angry person scowling in the corner, after all.

7. Relating to 6, are you treated better as a smaller person? Do you feel that after losing weight you’ve received more positive attention from strangers? Yes, and while part of it is related to 6, part of it isn't. At first, that really bothered me. I was the same person, right? So why are they kinder to me NOW? I realized that being as fat as I was, not only did I look miserable (because I was miserable), but I also realized I just looked...sick. Unhappy. Bothered. I was happier to eat snacks than I was to interact with others, and it's because I had a problem. Just as you wouldn't want to approach someone shooting heroin or lying in a gutter drunk, you don't want to approach someone slowly killing themselves with food. A slow spiral to the grave is just not something humans tend to want to be around.

8. Do you have any advice for overcoming or coping with body dysmorphia and realizing that you aren’t as big as you used to be? If you have body dysmorphia, you have body dysmorphia. It is a mental illness and will not go away just because you lose weight. I still have body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). I've had it no matter what size I've been. It sucks. What can help is to measure yourself periodically with a measuring tape to prove to yourself that you are the size that you really are. Another thing that helps me is to crop out or cover my face in photos. It makes it easier to "see" my progress in my photos if I remove/hide my face. This "trick" also helps a friend of mine who also has BDD. But, you know, as bad as BDD is, you kind of get sick of it. And there are days when I've started saying, "Yeah my legs are disgusting blobs of amorphous goop but, fuck it, it's fucking hot so I'm gonna wear shorts. Fuck BDD."

9. How do you hold yourself accountable and stick to the diet and exercise changes? My biggest struggle is getting started and staying on track, any advice is welcome. Two ways. First, it must be sustainable. If you, say, go on the Cabbage Soup Diet, yeah you're not going to be able to keep that up. If you find a rigid diet plan that has foods you don't normally eat while also cutting out foods you culturally enjoy, no, you won't stick to it. You need a sustainable meal plan that has enough variety and wiggle room to accommodate a normal life. Second, it's just logic. I can't use "motivational images" or videos. I just tell myself, "If I quit now, I won't make the progress I want." It's simple but it works. Another thing is, "Yeah, the pizza would taste good but that's a lot of running to get rid of it. Am I ready to do that?" If so, then yeah, have the pizza. But once you start seeing foods as "This will help me reach my healthy goals" vs "This will slow my progress", the choice becomes much easier.

10. Does your sex life change, negative or positive? Does your partner or hookup care about any loose skin? Most people don't really give a shit as long as they get to have sex haha It sounds kind of crude, but that's the truth of it. If you have a lot of loose skin, it might be a good idea to forewarn them so they don't jump back out of surprise (not disgust), but that's about it.

11. Is it possible for the tightness or elasticity of your vagina to change when you lose weight? Or your ability to get wet and finish? So this is an interesting one. I noticed that I had to do more kegels because there wasn't as much fat "pushing" on the vaginal walls, if that makes sense? As for wetness and orgasm, no, it's the same.

12. What do you do if you reach your target weight and don’t like the way you look? What if you preferred your larger self to your smaller self? I will never, ever, ever, ever prefer my larger self. Ever. I can't imagine you would, either, especially with BDD. So, yeah, I got BDD, I'm gonna hate how I look no matter what, right? But the feeling is very, very different. Even if I hate how I look because of BDD, here are all the reasons I prefer being smaller:

I eat less food, so I save money. If I eat out, I can be satisfied with half the meal and then I have the other half later...two meals for the price of one.

I can move around!! I don't have to LURCH off the sofa to get up. I'm not struggling for breath after walking up three stairs. I can easily walk around when I'm on vacation...and walk all day...and not be aching and drained of all energy

It's way, way easier to buy clothes, even buying online is easier. Cheaper, too! Plus, there are way more styles to choose from.

My feet aren't always aching. My back isn't killing me constantly. I don't have that 24/7 low-grade headache+nausea combo. I have medical issues unrelated to previous obesity, and it's way worse if I'm heavier

I can breathe more easily in any position. I don't have to stop breathing to tie my shoes!

I'm at a lower risk of heart disease, stroke, cancer, etc...which is important to me since I'm already at a higher risk of stroke and cancer (for unrelated reasons).

If I suddenly have a medical emergency (hit by a car, suddenly collapse for some reason), I don't have to worry that bystanders can't move me. When I was at my heaviest, it would have taken at least two VERY strong people to try to lift and move me, but more likely four average people (or more) to try to move me. Now, I can be easily moved if in an emergency

So I hope you can see that even if you still hate your appearance, it's way better having lost the weight.

13. How does extreme weight loss affect tattoos? do they shrink or become distorted at all? It depends on where they're at. Mine were on my arms mostly, and I'm pear-shaped so even with skin surgery it never affected my arms. Sorry, I can't answer this from experience.

14. Is it easier to shave as the surface area decreases? 1000000000% easier to shave and wash. Not only is there less area, but you don't have to dig under your folds.

15. This one is very specific, but do your ankles become smaller? I feel like my ankles are big but the bone and tendon seem to be the same size, so I worry that my ankles will stay big as my legs get smaller and then it will look weird. Your bones don't change in size, so if your ankle bones are big then it's likely you're "big boned" in general and will look proportional. But, even if you just happen to have, like, super big ankle bones, I guarantee that you'll prefer being slimmer with big ankles than your current self. I did this, too, I tried talking myself out of weight loss because "What if I don't like how I look after?" and no no no do not talk yourself out of it.

16. Do you have any areas of your body that seemed to not change or lose weight? Where, and does it bother you/seem disproportionate? I'll bring up my arms again. Granted, I do a lot of weight lifting and my arms are more muscular than average, but they do look disproportionately larger, which would be okay if they had more definition. BUT, I also have BDD and other people have told me that my opinion of my arms is all in my head. Again, it doesn't bother me enough to say, "Oh, damn, I should just regain allllll that lost weight so my arms look smaller by comparison."

17. For those who have had their excess skin removed, are you satisfied with the surgery outcome? I’ve been finding that most surgeries make the body look very boxy and shapeless, which has scared me away from it. Do you think it depends on the surgeon, or is that just the way it comes out regardless? This is a great question. The fact of the matter is we fucked up. We stretched out the skin. It'll never, ever look "normal" again. Ever. And we have to accept that. I didn't realize that, so when I got skin surgery I was really disappointed that my legs looked the same-but-smaller. But I had to realize it was my fault, not the fault of the surgeon. You will almost certainly never look "normal", but you won't look, like, freakish if that's what you're afraid of. The only reason you worry about this is because you're fixated on the body (same as me), but for the average person they honestly can't even tell.

18. Does extreme weight loss have any effect on your hair, positive or negative? Body hair, positive or negative? I wouldn't say it's the weight loss that affects hair but more your dietary change that causes weight loss can also affect your hair. If you're just cutting calories and eating poorly, you'll lose a lot of hair luster and it may fall out. But if you're cutting calories and eating healthy foods, you should notice an improvement in your hair quality.

19. Do you feel colder more often? Does it become harder for you to warm up? Do you sweat less often? I feel colder more often because I'm not covered in a layer of blubber anymore...so I feel colder like any other person would feel cold. It's not harder to warm up, and I sweat less often but I'm still a sweaty person. I just don't sweat aaaaalllll dayyyy lonnnggg like I did when I was obese.

20. What tips did you learn along the way that made it easier that you wish you would have known from the beginning, if any? I think it's mostly a perspective thing: weight loss won't get rid of BDD, eating to lose weight is more important than exercise (but you should exercise for physical fitness), and skin surgery removes excess skin but won't return my body to pre-obesity appearance. Other than that, keeping track and being honest with myself...if I'm eating something, I have to be accountable. I can't say, "It's just a little bit" or "It's not that many calories". I became obese by blindly consuming food, so I can't lose weight by turning a blind eye to some foods I eat.

If this has prompted any of you to ask another question, feel free to do so!

[owldawn1]

Stress and the People Who Saved Me

    We’re young, and often, our nerves get the best of us. Our minds are filled with immense fear of failure, a sense of being social outcasts, and a feeling of inadequacy about ourselves. For years, I stared at online posts about self-love and wondered why I was such a disappointment to my growth that I didn’t even know where to start. It just seems so simple when other people do it.

    People say “you can’t love others until you love yourself” and tell you that the best version of you can’t exist until you face your fears. But what if your fears are… everything? And then you’re thrown into the world, expected to navigate it on your own. There have been so many times in my life when my stress has been nearly unbearable. Whether it was brought about a final that would make or break my grade or the inexcusable embarrassment caused by the way I phrased my order for chicken tenders, it felt like life was actively rooting against me. And my fear felt disproportionate to others, and it was. 

    In 5th grade, I had just taken a spelling test and I got a single word wrong. A red ‘x’ was all I saw of my life in that moment. I remember thinking that the grade on my test would make it impossible for me to get a good grade and I would never, ever get a scholarship to go to college. This day truly showcases the start of my problem with school. 

    Socially, the issue began in 3rd grade, where a former friend of mine convinced the entire class to target me in a game of dodge ball. After that day, I don’t think I was ever able to trust people whole-heartedly. I stopped opening up to people and truly sharing my thoughts and feelings. 

    Events like this happen in the lives of young people all the time. Something that may seem like a blip for someone else could change the way you view the world. And then it can spiral. Small feelings become big ones until they fill so much of your consciousness that it’s impossible to carry the weight of the burden. In those darkest times for myself, the changes didn’t come from a decision that I made. Rather, a sequence of events that (although they seemed awful at the time) changed my world forever. For the better. 

    I was never able to truly tell my friends or family about the things I was going through. The dark thoughts that I was having or the loneliness that I experienced. Eventually, the friends that I had started to leave me and I found myself- a sophomore in high school- completely alone in the world. Until, I sat with a few people I barely knew at lunch. These people became my best friends. But, believe me, it wasn’t easy. 

    My friends and I started getting to know each other very slowly, mostly because I was too afraid to genuinely show anyone who I was. I already had known both of them for years and I still feared how they would react when they found out that I wasn’t this together, smiley, happy person that was confident in herself. I knew these friends for half a year before we spent time together outside of school. Because I always found an excuse. Because I was afraid. Because every time I got an inescapable pit in my stomach and the fear was all I could focus on. But, eventually, I came to trust and love these friends more than any others I had ever had. 

    The weight of the world is strong, I still have overwhelming fear that strikes me when I least expect it. Or worse, when I have been anticipating it for months (like that darn final). But, it’s a lot easier when you have people that you can confide in. And believe me, I know what it feels like to feel like you have no one, but your people will come, as long as you hold on. That’s what I wish I could have told myself in my darkest moments. You’ll get there, I promise, because I’ve been there. 

    Suddenly, the world seems a little more understandable. The nerves take less of a toll because I have people to guide me through it. To say that they know I’m going to do well and catch me if I don’t. And that doesn’t mean that things aren’t difficult. I still struggle with stress and feelings of inadequacy everyday, but it’s that much more bearable. And those self-love posts that I used to scoff at only get a moderate eye roll. But we’ll get there. We all will. Together. 

[kingofthewilderwest]

it kinda bugs me how they cant make httyd3 longer just so they can emphasize the story in a deeper meaning, like your post abt it being disproportionate. httyd3 had a LOT more plot than httyd2 and we can already see how it has to cramp so much and why that makes D2's pace felt pretty fast. the structure of the story is actually well planned.. perfect, to be exact! but the execution like putting pauses, necessary humor, longer dialogue, is whats needed to make it um, understandable? im not sure..

this isnt meant to judge the movie as bad though! but its a question ive been asking why they cant do it longer, for that sake. is it the budget? was Dean really certain the script is okay? or is it meant to be like this so people can interpret the movie their way? (oof that one is confusing).. i dont know, i want to ask about your thoughts on that >

From this.

It’s an interesting conversation for sure! I believe that THW doesn’t have to be longer to be extremely successful in the ideas it needs to convey! The core ideas being:

Toothless cannot be a wild dragon and strong alpha leader with humans. Other dragons probably deserve the respect of needing wild dragon needs, too.

Humans like Grimmel are extremely dangerous to dragons and will continue to arise, so dragons need to go to an area separate from humans to live in optimal peace.

Hiccup and Toothless’ powerful friendship will separate (insofar as physical location) due to the first two points

I know you’re not the only person I’ve talked to who wanted a longer time because you feel like certain elements were cramped, needed more breathing room, or that dangerous plot points didn’t get enough sense of weight. More time would presumably give that flow and sense of scale and danger. Now, it’s true that more time would give us more content to develop these things. That said, I believe solutions aren’t always “add more.” Creating good art isn’t about adding new things; it’s about knowing when to take away or alter, and how to make every second of your creation count optimally.

I remember when I was doing my music composition degree, my instructors hammered into me what would make a good final piece: the editing process of deleting measures - even measures that were really good! - because they didn’t fit what the final product needed. It’s painful to delete, but ultimately, it’s freeing; instead of making a music piece more cluttered to put all possible good ideas in, I can make it less cluttered, more manageable, more beautiful, more meaningful, and more effective to audiences. A better overall piece isn’t putting in every good idea I have; it’s leaving the piece with the beautiful ideas it needs.

I suggest The Hidden World doesn’t need added materials so much as it needs refining what’s already there.

Budget, production green lighting, and carefulness to the script all seem to have been done. HTTYD 3 was given a longer production time than originally planned. They pushed back the date exactly so they could make their best product. Interviews with people like DeBlois and Spielberg (who read several definitions of the script) talk about how much the script was transformed and bettered through its drafts. They did enough tweaking and care to rework the script. As for budget, the movie was 129 million USD, which sure was the cheapest of the HTTYD trilogy to create, but it’s about on par with what DreamWorks has spent on other movies like Home and Trolls - it’s not like there was skimping - and it’s all about making your money count, which I think this glorious, top notch animation quality film effectively did. So from what I’ve heard, I think production ran fine and we can’t question THW there.

I think most of THW’s problems can be solved simply by tweaking how scenes go down, taking a few small elements out, and adding a few small elements in. It doesn’t need time changes; it needs internal modifications to what’s already there. What I propose wouldn’t change much of the movie’s length - though maybe I we could add 5-8 minutes for things like a longer climax.

1. To Feel Less “Cluttered” or “Rushed”

The movie didn’t feel rushed to me or too cluttered, but it’s cluttered. You’re right. In addition to creating less clutter, my suggested tweaks will clear up time THW can spend elsewhere, streamline THW into fewer palatable essential ideas, and give a slight tone makeover that will add more sense of danger and conflict that THW needs.

Fewer humor side gags with minor characters (and less time spent on them). The gang’s antics are fun additions, yes, but that doesn’t mean they’re central to what the plot needs. Spending too much time with them adds clutter and takes away from plot-central, tone-central material. There’s a huge gaggle of gags in THW, more than any movie needs in a less-than-two-hour-long run time. Do we need all these to give THW its comic relief? Don’t get me wrong - I loved the humor - but time needs to be prioritized, and the movie will be improved once “less is more.”

Less time with Tuffnut’s pep talks. This goes with my first point. This comedic gag was lengthy in particular. It’s in part because it connects to the idea of Hiccstrid marrying, which THW does make more central in its themes. However, I also propose:

Spend less time (or delete) the will-they won’t-they marry Hiccstrid plot. THW intends to parallel Hiccup and Toothless maturing into adulthood, including their romantic connections. However, a will-they won’t-they marry subplot in Hiccstrid isn’t needed to create that parallel. Not to mention: it can be uncomfortable to have this undertone of romance as “required” adulthood maturation, and the fact that Hiccstrid are so close and intimate makes it feel “off” that they’re so uncomfortable talking about marriage. Spend less time here, simply make fans aware they’re going to marry in the future but not today, and return to the main relationships THW needs to pay attention to: that of Hicctooth and Nightlight. 

2. To Make Grimmel a Greater Sense of Threat

One of the central points is that Grimmel is extremely dangerous and represents one of many humans that’ll continue to be a threat to dragons. While Grimmel can be overcome, Hiccup will need to interact with Grimmel in such a way he can understand that dragons and humans cannot coexist in today’s civilization without continuing to risk danger, and that it’s best for everyone to live happily in two separate civilizations. It’s not being defeated by the enemy’s oppression, but taking a brilliant countermeasure to give humans and dragons both a better existence.

Making Grimmel feel like a greater sense of threat, and helping audience members understand what Grimmel represents overarchingly of humanity’s current antagonistic state, will help us and Hiccup process why a separation is best. This can be done by:

Show Grimmel’s impact on human society. All we’d have to do is change what his base looks like: it could be located in an area taken over from another human civilization, showing his army’s power and place in this world over humans.

Greater weight placed on Berk’s exodus. The Hooligans lost their home, but it’s played too lightly. It’s not written optimally as an emotionally impacting or destabilizing moment, which decreases the sense of threat Grimmel has. Instead of having the Hooligans excited to find New Berk, show them grieving. They can butt against Hiccup’s ideas of finding the Hidden World, but instead in a way where they’re frustrated at his naive solution and hurt at what they left behind. This isn’t adding time to THW; this is tweaking phraseology and presenting an event differently.

Change how Berk is abandoned. To make the attack feel more dire, threatening, either: 1. Have the Hooligans more reluctant and grumpy to leave in the town meeting, and not play the leaving scene so lightly, or 2. Have Grimmel chase them out of Berk so they have to flee then and there. This might even reduce time! 

Show Grimmel’s power over dragons. We could have a few-second-long flashback of him standing over a field of dead Night Fury bodies, or have his place cloaked in dragon skins or skulls. 

Show Grimmel’s power as a warlord. Grimmel acts in almost a solo fashion, despite cooperating with warlords and having an army. It doesn’t give us a good sense of scale. Show his interactions better with the whole of his forces to make him feel more dangerous, and for humanity as a whole to feel more like a threat against dragons. For example, in the scenes where he’s trying to trap the dragon riders, show him commanding more people.

Show Grimmel’s impact on the dragon (and/or human worlds) through landscape. What if, as the Hairy Hooligans try to find a new place to stay, they fly over several islands that have been destroyed by Grimmel’s forces? Either human civilizations, or homes once havens to dragons, with characters making comment they “hope” people got away. And what if, when Grimmel takes their dragons near the end of THW, it’s again through more violence and a raid and fire and destruction? 

Conversations more clearly talk about Grimmel’s dangers over dragons and humans, and how he’s one of many people that’ll arise. This idea is embedded in THW dialogue, but not clearly enough to fully grasp its weight, especially not in the sense we see characters grasp this. Have Hiccup and Astrid and Valka or something talk about how widely destructive Grimmel is, how even once he’s gone another man like him will take his place, and that while they may continue to fight and win for human and dragonkind, it’s ultimately not the right move to make for everyone to live safest and alive. A conversation laying this out makes a world of difference in our understanding of what dangers are going down and why we need to come to the solution THW concludes with. Again, this isn’t adding time; it’s changing phraseology. 

Add a few minutes to the climax. Make the final fight with Grimmel obviously the final fight, the threat bigger, the action more intense.

Perhaps show that Berk’s done good work changing the world by their choices. Even though Berk ultimately decides to let the dragons go, they are meant to be the voice of peace that changes their world. The good guys can’t resign to letting themselves live under the thumb of bad guys’ choices. Show that they’ve made a difference - Grimmel and his armies are gone and the world is regrowing (no more torched landscape, if we add that element in) - but that it’s still going to help their world by letting dragons go, too… for this generation, at least.

3. To Make Hiccup and Toothless’ Parting Jive Better

Hiccup and Toothless separate out of need - they can’t live in the same place for the better of both their kinds. However, since the movie spends so much time on Toothless chasing after the Light Fury, we don’t get that full sense of need. I propose:

Open THW with a clear Hicctooth sappy bonding moment. We need things like “Forbidden Friendship” and “Where No One Goes” to feel the power of Hicctooth’s love. Give us that starting sense in THW of how close they are before adding in the complications. It can even be done by tweaking how the opening fight scene goes down.

Show dragons profiting by living with humans, but it also being Complicated with their wild side. We need to acknowledge that the relationship between humans and dragons has done the dragons good, too! Otherwise it might feel incongruous with the rest of the franchise.

Show dragons being unfit in the urban area through their own restlessness. The movie tries to show this with Moosie Boi being too big for Berk, and Berk being so crowded with dragons Gobber finds the soup unsanitary. But if we see Stormfly restless and want to leave for the Hidden World, too, wouldn’t this say something more about where dragons are pulled to and belong?

Less time spent on Toothless investigating the Night Fury. You can’t cut this down too much or we’ll feel like rushing, but since THW focuses so much on just Toothless and the Light Fury’s connection rather than an overarching problem for dragons, it’s hard to feel the full-scale issues of the problem. Making it just him and her feels more like a hook up love story than “dragons and humans are incompatible for their needs.”

Change Toothless’ body language. Show more emotional division in Toothless about his conflicting options. Show him hesitant to leave Hiccup and the two interact over that. Show him lonely away from his kind when with Hooligans. Show him feeling that loneliness met - that deep emotional need of being with his own species - when he’d thought was lost to him (rather than focusing on it being a romantic hookup interest). This doesn’t take more time; it tweaks what was already given on screen.

Change Toothless’ emotions with the Light Fury to feel more like loneliness being met than horny boi practicing kissing with a rock. This does a better job of showing that Toothless has a deep need that needs to be met as a wild animal and as a social draconic species.

Change conversations Hiccup has with humans about Toothless’ struggle. Maybe have Hiccup processing less with people and more by himself or with Toothless. Don’t write the conversations with people be about “Toothless has a girlfriend” and “of course he left.” Discuss instead how Night Furies are social creatures and Toothless hasn’t been with his kind in six years - that’s a huge hole in his heart being filled. Validate the deep connection Hiccup and Toothless have, while simultaneously acknowledging the struggle of this moment now. The movie shows that the Light Fury can never be domesticated, so I think that’s fine, but maybe one line from Astrid saying, “I don’t think she’ll come to live with us,” would be enough to help other audience members pick that up too.

More time spent on all dragons being in danger, and Toothless as an alpha unable to protect them with Hairy Hooligans. The story doesn’t show Toothless being much of an alpha - intentional - until he reaches the Hidden World and it clicks. But I suggest it’d be more effective to pull this out more than having an issue with Moose Boi taking up too much space in Berk, and Berk being so crowded Gobber has a dragon in his soup.

Put more of a deal on Toothless being an alpha. You can say that Toothless didn’t understand or use his role as alpha when with humans, but I think showing more sense of conflict, and of an alpha needing to be wild to protect his own, would be useful. Make this an issue for all dragons. The alpha status being used as a blackmail device against Toothless to keep the Light Fury alive could be replaced with us seeing the full species of dragonkind being unable to be protected by an alpha apart from his own people. More needs to be done than dragons bowing to him in one scene to understand what the alpha does for his society.

Show Toothless with more Light Furies. The Light Fury being his singular focus is great. But what about, in the Hidden World, Hiccup and Astrid watch Toothless interacting with a whole group of Night Furies, and he’s clearly in a situation that was Made For Him?

THW already has great content in there - Toothless and the Light Fury interacting, Hiccup crying when he realizes Toothless is fit in the Hidden World, Hiccup freaking out and Astrid comforting him when he feels a low, and Hiccup and Toothless parting ways touchingly at the end.

With these proposed tweaks, we get Toothless and Hiccup’s relationship being addressed deeply from the angle of both friends. We understand what both Toothless and Hiccup emotionally feel, and palatably sense how both love the other. We get a sense that Toothless is attracted to the Light Fury and might want to mate, but that she’s also calling him into a wild life and reminding him that he’s been alone, separated from his kind. We get a sense that it’s not just Toothless, but all dragons who might be called back to the Hidden World. We get a sense that it’s not just Toothless, but his whole role as alpha affecting the entirety of dragonkind.

And once we add in a greater sense of Grimmel being dangerous, and that more humans like him will continue to rise up, we can understand why Berk would release all their dragons. It’s not that dragons hate living with humans - THW can make that clear - and it’s not that dragons haven’t been profited by living with humans. But in the current call, the current situation, it’s best to go to the Hidden World.

I’m mostly tweaking how scenes go down, changing lines and reactions rather than adding material. Feel free to propose a longer movie! For me, THW already has enough space to share its message. Maybe it needed to be a few minutes longer, but I suppose my own sense is that they had enough time to budget in this material, make a smooth-flowing movie with all the material they needed to present, and come away with an astounding storyline.

Like you, this isn’t meant to judge the movie as bad! It isn’t bad! It’s downright wonderful in many aspects. I’m so happy I’ve seen it and can scream over it! Simply, if I were in charge of tweaking the script, these are the first alterations I’d make, and I think it would make THW even better.

[bambamramfan]

____ aren’t fun

@oligopsalter mentioned the “games aren’t fun” thread from 2014, and that got me thinking on that topic again. When I first read SMG’s long takedown, I was very compelled by his arguments about fear, and capitalism, and consumption, but I didn’t really get his whole “games aren’t fun” thing. However since then, I’ve paid attention to that perspective and I’ve come around to it more, particularly as I’ve watched geek culture react to more games and more movies in a way that really disturbs me.

(An aside for a minute: when I say “geek culture” here I refer both to its left and right wings. While the incel types whining about Ghostbusters are more visible and more numerous, the social justice geek hype machine about the latest tabletop works in the same way.)

So the marketing departments of corporations and social media influencers have found a remarkable thing: if you get people talking a lot about a new product coming up, it will feed on itself and generate more chatter, and it will mildly boost sales. And due to the competition between “the ideal that’s in our heads” and “actual reality��, often it’s more fun to fantasize about what’s coming up. And this past decade, the “hype” for upcoming media has vastly outpaced anything like it before. I say this on the week a Star Wars trailer dropped over 8 months before the movie is coming out.

None of the above is new, but consider the way that reactions to major media properties can be broadly grouped into 3 categories (from smallest to biggest)

G1. The truly loved. These are games/movies that people like and genuinely stand the test of time. The boundary here is whether fans talk about them more after they come out than before, and whether discussions of them are about the actual work itself (quoting lines from the movie vs quoting box office stats.) This is rare for art overall, and only some works get this so the rarity of true quality isn’t a problem per se. In the geek sphere I am thinking of Fury Road, Overwatch, Breath of the Wild, Dark Knight, Star Trek (the initial reboot.) Of the MCU’s I would only count the first Iron Man and the first Avengers and Winter Soldier. Going back I would include the LOTR movies.

G2. The truly hated. These are games/movies that cause an explosion of outrage against them. (I’m not calling them bad necessarily; some of these are my favorite.) It’s not just that they fail to meet geek desire, but they also must bear the weight of months (years?) of anticipation by overly excited communities. The outrage against these failed products may be legitimate or not, but from an outsider it usually appears as grossly disproportionate. We’re talking the Diablo Immortal announcement, Endless Horizon, Duke Nukem Forever, Batman vs Superman, Star Trek: Into Darkness, and The Last Jedi. Going back I would include the Prequels. The extremely emotional nature of this reaction is what causes a lot of condescending analysis of “the geek community”, but that’s not what I am talking about today. At least it’s an emotion.

G3. The forgotten okay. Almost everything else falls into this middle ground. It would be wrong to call it mediocre - these are movies and games that when they come out are hailed as successes. They get positive reviews, big box offices, and the fans who see them are satisfied that “they got it right.” And then you barely ever hear from them again. No one ever talks about these “successful” properties. (Obviously not absolutely here, but relative to the above.) I’m talking about the majority of the MCU - including Black Panther, Captain Marvel, the other Iron Man movies, Infinity War, Spider-man Homecoming - but also Wonder Woman, the later seasons of Game of Thrones, the last book of Wheel of Time, and Star Trek: Beyond. (And videogames beyond counting, that after all was the purpose of the linked thread.) There’s always some pure plot-wiki-ization sifting of them (how will the Avengers defeat Thanos) in preparation for the next movie, but very little long term appreciation of it on its own. How quickly can you summon your favorite quote from Thor Ragnarok or even the Shape of Water?

This last group is becoming the majority of media produced for geeks. And there’s no explicit complaint about it. These products are in a constant state of being hyped, and once they happen, there is a very brief spurt of excitement, and then they go down the memory hole. Woops! It’s Tsathoggua, benign satisfaction and contentment with no epiphany. I’m not even blaming the works under discussion here - some of the “forgotten okay” can be very interesting with a proper reading, but who does that?

So when only talking about the last group, and seeing how it has come to dominate the marketplace, I understand what “games (and movies) aren’t fun” means. I can’t even convey it to you, just - pay attention to how much you see hype for upcoming products, how much discussion there is on reddit or other forums, and look at how often no one mentions even the “good” ones again mere weeks after their release. It’s actually upsetting, and you’ll wonder why all your time was wasted.

In the linked thread, SMG was theorizing that the constant agitation-and-emptiness of G3 leads to the emotional build up that explodes in G2, in a vicious cycle where the only visible solution is to ask capitalist industries to give us yet more G2 that never truly satisfies us.

[jspark3000]

You always seem to rebuke "conservative" types who remake Christ in their political image. What about the liberals who do the same? I remember you shared this great post about how ~Christians~ will end up not falling into neat, political distinctions, and then all I see on your blog is this not-so-subtle finger wagging at conservatives? Where's that energy when people want to turn Jesus into an anarchist revolutionary? A communist? (1)

Here’s part 2 of your message: 

Isn’t God multi-faceted? Can’t God be operating on many different levels, not just the one where He’s taking care of us ~poor minorities~, with all of our ~Immigrant Virtue~? I’m not for conservative, pro-life, MAGA Jesus but I’m also not for socialist, bleeding heart, liberal Jesus either. They’re both idols. They’re for people who wear ideological garments instead of garments of righteousness. Neither make it into the Kingdom of God. (2)

I agree with much of what you said. I may be blind to my own bias, as many of us are, and maybe I have given disproportionate weight to one side or the other. I’d like to think I have held myself and all groups accountable, but maybe not. For that, I very much appreciate that you’re pointing this out in me. I get many things wrong, and this might be one more. I have more to learn. Having said that, I’d gently like to offer a little pushback, too. 

- To me, there is no way that every side of the conversation is equally harmful. In our current political landscape, it is obvious to me that certain groups have done more harm than others. I will still love every one of them. 

- Jesus had stronger words and more words for Pharisees, the scribes, the teachers, the elite, the aristocrats, and the leading class. He spoke against the abuse of money and spoke up for orphans, foreigners, widows, and the poor. He either directly or indirectly said that certain people were closer to the Kingdom of God than others. Jesus himself did quite a lot of non-subtle finger-wagging. While there are many, many types of Christians in all kinds of political and cultural categories, I think Jesus very clearly condemned certain practices. 

- Without hesitation, I’ll take a “bleeding heart revolutionary Jesus” over a bigoted isolationist Jesus. 

- I think your questions, as sensible as they are, are a bit leading and binary. That’s called a “double-bind.” I’m guilty of doing this, too, and it does not lead to any helpful dialogue. (In fact, I did a double-bind in my previous point. It’s a very easy thing to do.)

- Calling out one political party or practice does not automatically mean that I endorse the “other group” entirely. That’s also a double-bind. It’s impossible to write a super-nuanced cover-all-bases type of post for every single point. 

- I’m certain you already know this, but political disagreement doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. I live in Florida. It’s one of the most divisive and ridiculous states in the country. What’s more ridiculous is the idea that disagreement has to mean we automatically hate each other. It does not. 

- Here’s a funny story. One time after I gave a sermon, somebody came up to me and was super angry. He was “conservative.” He said, “Why did you single me out? Why were you talking to me?” Of course, I really wasn’t. Then another person came up to me who identified as “liberal.” He said, “Why are you undermining us? Did you write this sermon at me?” Both were fuming mad for different reasons. 

Many of us tend to read into things as we are, not as they are. I’m not saying this is what you’re doing. But I graciously want to raise the possibility that everyone does project many of their own fears, anxieties, animosities, and grudges at others. It is possible that just as you assumed I was categorizing Christians with my own filter, you have also categorized what I wrote with your own filter. I am guilty of doing the same thing, too. And it seems no matter which way I write, I’m always going to make someone angry. Sometimes that’s my fault and I should’ve said it better. Other times it’s misheard and then a false assumption is made. 

In the end, calling out a political practice, or even a whole party, is necessary as followers of Jesus. I feel that I have not done my part in speaking up very well, as most of my writing is not political at all. I blame myself for not raising my voice a bit more. I believe we ought to be the most critical and most gentle of people when it comes to our social and political landscape. That will mean, inevitably, making a few people angry. 

— J.S.

[hyannah]

Anon Archives Vol. 3

I think I already answered a similar question in a previous anon archives, but just in case - most of the time I make my own textures and I may release them publicly one day! In the meantime though, WebTreatsETC has a wonderful library of subtle grunge patterns. The trick to textures is “less is more” so the more concentrated the imperfections are, the better.

...*resolution ;; This isn’t the case with everything. Depending on the subject of your drawing you may want different consistencies. Objects and  materials like metals or concrete might require harsher textures as a guide when painting, but for character illustration I’d highly recommend the subtle approach.

Mhmm, well, I’m so bad at explaining... Let me try. I’ll make a proper breakdown one day! (awkwardly written tips under the cut)

Babies and small children have very soft features. They have round, undefined jaws, large eyes with small mouths & noses. As a child grows older, their eyes adjust and grow into their fully developed skulls but, in their early years they can look disproportionately large. You can use this to your advantage in character illustration!

Women typically have curved, rounded features but that’s not always the case. Genetics determines a whole lot when it comes to appearance, so females can inherit masculine traits and vice versa. If you’re going with a typical feminine approach, then rounded eyes, thin eyebrows and delicate chins/jawlines will help. I urge you to experiment, but start simple like this!

Men typically have more chiselled , angled bones with deeper-set features, but as I said before that’s not always the case. Low-set eyebrows and smaller eyes are, in my opinion, the part of the face that most determines “masculinity”, but sharp jawlines with high or wide cheekbones are equally important.

That being said though, it all depends on the character you’re designing. Your character’s age, weight and genetics determines a lot. Many of men have soft features and women can develop sharp jawlines, noses, small eyes, etc. Have fun!

Hey there! That’s an interesting question, because lately I’ve been fluctuating. If I’m well rested and focused, a full piece can take anywhere from 6-8 hours, but depending on the complexity of the piece and other factors like concentration levels, motivation and my mental state - a single piece can take a day or several.

Thank you very much! I wish I could have faith in my character design “process” enough to teach you in confidence, but the truth is a lot of my choices are down to intuition and my own personal aesthetics. Uhm, I can try giving you some pointers though!

It helps to have a rough idea of your characters personality, disposition or backstory first. An individual's appearance can often reflect who they are underneath. It can determine if they are well dressed, if they look after their appearance or what kind of style they carry themselves with. A sad or depressed person may look worn or unkempt. Alternatively, they may be the exact opposite - and have an immaculate complexion in an attempt to hide it from others. It’s all about their personality!

Having a “theme” can do wonders. Much like using fixed colour pallets in art, having a word, object or animal as a reference can help draw parallels between the symbolism and their design. for example:

Wolfe is made to resemble a wolf, so his hair has little tufts and his eyes are yellow. He has claws, sharp canines, and an aloof disposition

Rose, as her name suggests, resembles a rose. She has a prominently red colour pallet, a petal-like birthmark on her eye and subtle blue accents to make her details pop.

Hunter’s appearance purposefully contrasts with his profession as a priest. He’s gruff, strong, foreboding and a man of few words.

Definitely cartoon! I just got so smitten with comics as a kid, I went from still life painting to cartoons pretty quick. So quick that I never really had a true “realism” phase. But I can certainly still appreciate it.

I’m pretty sure everyone’s style is an amalgamation of the things they loved about other artists growing up. By all means, if you wish to take inspiration from my art then go ahead - it’s an honour! I only ask that you don’t copy or replicate my art. Be open to all kinds of style. Experiment and adjust. It’s more fun that way!

(Excuse the awful photo, I missed the short window of natural light Scotland gets in the winter)  I have been using the UGEE 2150 monitor tablet for maybe...a year and a half now. It was by far the biggest investment I’ve ever made on a graphics tablet but it was worth it, and is still cheaper than a Cintiq by a country mile (retailing at about £340) He’s a big boy, but he’s reliable, responsive, and feels great to work with. I had a lot of issues with SAI when I set up my dual-monitor workspace and it seems to be a frequent issue with UGEE products, but I did eventually find a workaround and the tinkering was well worth the money I saved. The screen is 21.5 inches and it weighs in at around 8kg total, so he’s not ideal if you travel a lot. However, if you have a fixed workspace environment he’s a keeper!

A Malignant without a host is pretty much powerless. They have no ability to manipulate physical matter, so words are their most powerful weapons. When a Malignant has a host and is possessing their body, they can do all the things a human can. If a hosted Malignant is apparated but isn’t possessing anything, then they can still manipulate their host’s body but nothing else. For example, if Ghasper is apparated but is not possessing Wolfe at the time, then he can still touch Wolfe, but not Hunter or Rose.

I can’t, sorry! That’s for the comic!

Uhm, well Malignants still know enough about their time spent alive to tell you all about that stuff. Their names, voices, etc helps. My ghosts don’t have genitals.

“TBoA” is the acronym for the comic and the full title will be released along with the trailer :)

Oh my gosh, please don’t ever worry about something like that! Anything people make for me is treasured deeply and put on my wall or kept by my desk. I truly care about all the support I receive and I don’t want you to ever feel like I won’t!

This honestly made my day when I read it! What a wholesome story, I’m so glad! Tell your brother he has good taste! And let your mother know she’s right!

What a delight! The more Hunters there are in the world, the better. At least for me. ;)

I dunno why this made me laugh as much as it did, but thank you for making me smile! Wolfe is...not in a good place right now :’(

I looked up the song and the band as soon I received your message and I love them both! Thank you very much for the song recommendation. I absolutely love to listen to new music.

Oh my goodness, thank you so much! I don’t deserve the praise but I really appreciate it. I’d make the worst art wife though.

Yup! I haven’t had the chance to play Warriors or Echos though ... I’m broke and I struggle to make leisure time these days.

ACE!!! You little rascal, I forgot all about this - but thank you so much! My handwriting is chicken scratch, honestly ... I do try to reign it in for my art but I have no doubt you’d soon grow tired of my lopsided, wriggly handwriting.

[douchebagbrainwaves]

WHY I'M SMARTER THAN SOMETHING

A can-opener must seem miraculous to a dog. I say in theory because in early stage investing, valuations are voodoo.1 That's what Stripe did. He thought perhaps he needed a little dose of sociopath-ness. And there is another possible approach. A big-name VC. But because seed firms operate in an earlier phase, they need to spend a lot of tricks for making myself work over the last 20 years, but even now I don't win consistently.2 I know, the first step. There hasn't been a lot of time. But that, if you measure success by shelf space taken up by books on it, or it will be to relax and go back to writing code.3 It's hard to distinguish something that's hard to understand, you could buy a Thinkpad, which was great, because it isn't happening now.

I'm not claiming that ideas have to have immediate practical applications to be interesting? And, like anyone who gets better at their job, you'll know exactly what to build because you'll have muscle memory from doing it yourself. But the cost of reading it, and the number of elements, where an element is anything that would be of the slightest use to those producing it. As Ben Franklin said, if you love life, don't waste time, because time is what life is made of. So if we do have infix syntax, it should probably be implemented as some kind of authority.4 Not to everyone, but to change the problem you're solving. Intellectually they were as capable as the successful founders of following all the implications of what one said to them. They want that money to go to work. And I think that's precisely why people put it off. The source code of all the libraries is readily available.5 To many people, rather than as a way of classifying forms of disagreement, though.

Afterward I put my talk online like I usually do. When you're young, especially, is a language too succinct for its own sake, it must be more noble. With individual angels you don't have any users they don't have to get rich, but as a way to make drawing bear a greater weight of exploration. Maxim magazine publishes an annual volume of photographs, containing a mix of pin-ups and grisly accidents. Part of the reason is that investors need to get their capital back. It doesn't mean that it's a new messaging protocol, where you don't just use your software on users's behalf, you'll learn things you couldn't have learned otherwise. When del. I did end up being a philosophy major for most of the time, but human life is fairly miraculous.

What about using it to write software, whether for a startup: a founder quits, you discover a patent that covers what you're doing; the kind of parallelism we have in common, it's that something is always going wrong.6 My own feeling is that object-oriented programming, by the way.7 I didn't need it. It's almost like writing applications! Both of which are false.8 They have no idea. And funding delays are a big distraction for founders, who ought to be working on, and why their due diligence feels like a body cavity search.9 In fact, they rarely seemed to arrive at answers at all. What this means is that it won't produce the sort of distribution you'd expect, the number of things you could be working on their company, not worrying about investors. He might also want preferred stock, meaning a special class of stock that has some additional rights over the common stock everyone else has. How much runway do you have left?10 But you should realize you're stepping into dangerous territory.

So as of this writing few startups spend too much. To start with, it's a sign the terms are reasonable. I give a talk I can usually be replaced by an equivalent one that's easy to program in now. Nothing is more likely to get money.11 Languages become popular or unpopular based on their merits, and so must people trying to write systems software on multi-cpu computers. Like angels, VCs prefer to invest in you, there's a danger that the increase in disagreement, there's a clear watershed at about age 12, when he got interested in maths. Fear of failure is an extraordinarily powerful force.

I think the way to get one loaded into your head. In the fall of 1983, the professor in one of my college CS classes got up and announced, like a detective solving a case in a mystery novel. Off the top of my head, I'd say that yes, surprisingly often it can. Problems can be improved as well as money, there's power.12 You can't build things users like without understanding them.13 It is so much work to introduce changes that no one else has done before. There are more shocking prospects even than that. I did end up being a philosophy major for most of that time the leading practitioners weren't doing much more than writing commentaries on Plato or Aristotle while watching over their shoulders for the next invading army. There hasn't been a lot of people in the startup world, closing is not what deals do.14 They want to get downfield, but they are much hungrier for deals.

Why wait for further funding rounds to jack up a startup's price?15 As well as failing to chase down funding, and users, and that it is unfamiliar to programmers, and that women will all be trained in the martial arts.16 The startups we've funded have. Arguably it's an interesting failed experiment. By unsavory I mean things that go behind whatever semantic facade the language is intuitive enough that you catch some of the time doing business stuff. One is that a programming language probably becomes about as popular as it deserves to be. It seemed curious that the same task could be painful to one person and pleasant to another, but are so caught up in their squabble they don't realize it.17 Hardy's boast that number theory had no use whatsoever wouldn't disqualify it.18 There may be types of work, done by a class of people called philosophers. No one thought to go back and debug Aristotle's motivating argument. So no, there's nothing particularly grand about making money. They find the VCs intimidating and inscrutable.

Notes

One implication of this model was that it sounds like something cooked up, but the returns come from meditating in an industrialized country encounters the idea that was killed partly by its overdone launch. And then of course, or much energy would be to say now. This has, like arithmetic drills, instead of crawling back repentant at the same thing twice.

In a typical fund, half the companies that tried that. I also skipped San Jose is a well-known byproduct of oligopoly. B the local startups also apply to types of startups as they get to profitability before your initial investors agreed in advance that you wouldn't mind missing, initially, to drive the old one. That would be a founder, more people you can do is say you've reformed, and don't want to invest in a wide variety of situations.

If the next year they worked. There should probably question anything you believed as a collection itself. Some of the company and fundraising at the valuation of the world as a whole department at a public event, you don't know which name will stick.

Robert Morris points out that there is something there worth studying, especially for opinions expressed. CEOs of big companies weren't plagued by internal inefficiencies, they'd have something more recent. Eighteen months later Google paid 1.

There is usually a stupid move, and FreeBSD 1. This law does not appear to be clear. So if it's the right to buy corporate bonds; a new version from which they don't. The first big company, and so thought disproportionately about such customs.

Add water as specified on rice package. Bill Yerazunis had solved the problem is poverty, not more. In fact most of their peers.

Other investors might assume that not being accepted means we think we're so useless that in New York.

0001. Sam Altman points out, it's shocking how much time.

They're so selective that they have raised money at first had two parts: the pledge is deliberately vague, we're going to give them up is the desire to do with down rounds—like full ratchet anti-immigration people to start a startup with credit cards. Type II startups spread: all you needed in present-day English speakers have a significant number.

This point is that it's no longer needed, big companies to build consumer electronics. Public school kids arrive at college with a base of evangelical Christianity in the early years. And it's just as it's easier to sell, or liars. This is one way to solve problems, but conversations with other investors.

At this point for me to put up posters around Harvard saying Did you know about it as a type II startup, unless you're sure your money will be coordinating efforts among partners. The philistines have now missed the video boat entirely. Treating high school as a test of success for a market for a sufficiently identifiable style, you need but a big effect on the other hand, launching something small and use whatever advantages that brings. The founders who had been trained that anything hung on a weekend and sit alone and think.

It's hard to say they bear no blame for opinions expressed.

Some founders deliberately schedule a handful of VCs even have positive returns. Don't even take a small amount, or at such a large company?

Since we're not doing anything with a potential acquirer unless you want to start a startup. August 2002. But there are those that will be coordinating efforts among partners.

This is why search engines are so dull and artificial that by the PR firm admittedly the best case.

Some of Aristotle's immediate successors may have no idea whether this happens because they're innumerate, or can be said to have had little effect on college admissions process.

Otherwise you'll seem a risky bet to admissions committees, no one is going to do that.

So if all you know the electoral vote decides the election, so that's what you're doing is almost pure discovery. According to the modern idea were proposed by Timothy Hart in 1964, two years investigating it.

[laundryandtaxes]

Julia how to achieve body security ? I'm kinda plus size with many conventional skin flaws and although I'm attracted to girls I can't help but compare.. I know I shouldn't be shallow but it's disheartening

You just have to stop comparing yourself to other people and choose to believe that you're not gross. There's really no secret. You have to train yourself out of the habit of thinking bad thoughts about yourself. It takes time and work but for most people it is very possible. I'm ngl, dating and knowing other women see you as attractive absolutely helps, but at the end of the day if you don't like yourself you can decide to make yourself the kind of person you want to be if it's a really major or fundamental thing like a personality trait, or you can make the choice to stop beating yourself up all the time. Things like gratitude journals where you write something you appreciate every day sound corny to some people but they can be incredibly helpful- the point is to make the decision to stop letting yourself talk shit about yourself, the way you wouldn't let someone talk shit about a friend.I'm also fat and have several skin issues (eczema, alopecia, probably some other shit) but honestly I decided that the time and energy I used to spend obsessing over those things was better spent doing pretty much anything else and stopped doing it. It takes time, sure, and if it's a trauma response like it is for lots of women then it can be extra hard. But part of the reason you dislike yourself is because every time you think a bad thought about yourself and let it go uncorrected or unaddressed or uncombatted, that's a little bit of effort and time you spent teaching yourself that you are bad, and the more time and effort you spend on it the better you will be at convincing yourself of it. You've done a lot of convincing and should expect it to take a while to not be convinced anymore. I'm not saying every bad thought is bad in the moral sense or a failure or anything like that. They are healthy. And I think a lot of "depression makes me think bad thoughts" paradigms are really unhelpful. Because even if you're depressed, it's not like you're feeling something fake- if you're telling yourself you're worthless it may be not because of some unknowable chemical issue but because you really believe yourself to be worthless, or ugly, or stupid, etc. And that means you can work on not believing those things about yourself anymore, which is hsrd but possible. It also helps to decide on your priorities for life. I do this intentionally every few years to kind of smack my life back onto a track I want it on. Decide what matters most to you and live accordingly. So my friendships and relationships, etc, being a good friend and partner and living according to love as a major value- those are always at the top of my list. What does being fat have to do with that? What does having bad skin have to do with that? Nothing. So why spend disproportionate time being worried about it? I made the decision several years ago that if something isn't going to matter to me on my deathbed or alter my life off the course I want it on, I usually just don't care that much. Most things aren't a huge deal. Unless it is causing you a whole host of other issues, your weight is probably going to be one of them once you sit down and think through this stuff. Hope it helps!

[atmosphericradar]

Going Off on Human Analysis I was exposed to this Tweet and I did a lot of analysis on it privately.  I got so invested that I wrote a whole thing, and I want to record it publicly. There is a idea that I have in certain internet circles (and even in offline discussion) which goes: "All things are subjective.  All things are transient.  Nothing can be judged, nothing is certain.”  What conclusions sprout from this idea depends on who is speaking.  I have heard many conclusions, and this Tweet re-acquainted me with the conclusion: “When all things are subjective, nothing has value over anything else.  Therefor, authority cannot be derived from merit.  Therefor, authority should not exist.” Institutions like standardized testing, psychological diagnosis, and legal judgement are a bleak tragedy (in the USA) in the current year of 2020.  People’s dreams and livelihoods are crushed under unfair judgements from these systems.  Things which should be qualified are quantified.  Aspects which should be accounted for are ignored.  These are failures which are known; yet those who wield authority do not attempt to resolve these known failures, or else their change comes agonizingly slow.  But... What we should be saying to standardized testers (indeed all authorities using such techniques) is: "External human analysis techniques will never be 100% accurate.  Modern 'psychological, industrial, or scientific' methods have been very harmful to many people, for their entire history of use.  All forms of human testing could use a lot more work before we put the kind of weight behind them that many too-powerful organizations do.  Just because we have a process that makes nice numerical data, that doesn't mean the data we get is not garbage.  Those ID numbers that your half-assed techniques judge are real people. The failures of your technique will indelibly harm those it touches." Our attempts turning human beings into digestible numbers, or boxing them up into neat categories, are myopic at best and utterly nonsensical at worst.  Most people, disproportionately people who are already disadvantaged, will suffer as modern human evaluation techniques ignore their talents, skills, and overall value as a human being. But it cannot be said that, as a result of these failures, nothing can be objectively known.  There are hundreds of thousands of scientists, doctors, analysts, professors, and specialists who know that the current prevailing human analysis techniques are broken and harming people!  They know that standardized testing is broken.  They understand human nuance, and account for externalities.  But in order to fix or dismantle these broken testing techniques, they are working against the authorities that derive power from the current, codified techniques.

We do not help these people, who seek to help us, when we try to convince the world that "All things are subjective.”  We must encourage people seek out the truth, because the truth is that everyone has value.  You may have been unfairly judged lesser by a broken system, but descending into nihilism and then spreading that nihilism will not help those who need it.  The disenfranchised need the truth of their value enshrined within our institutions of authority; only then will they get their justice.  And then they too can thrive.

[usashirtstoday]

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That have following equally people of color have been disproportionately affected by greater rates for white Americans that we can honor all of those we’ve lost giving Joe Biden harassment opportunity to put in place a Assuming I'm Just An Old Lady Was Your First Mistake Reader Vintage T Shirt real national plan tests and tracks makes sure that faster vaccine will be fair in terms the full power of our government toward making sure we have the surprising technology and people scientist and public health officials and tracers we need to start right now let’s hear from the champion five front line workers who also happens to be a champion in a World Cup champion making Peter is now a honor to go to the conversation with four front line workers here in America receiving name when you’re absolutely me you know now well and I had and will be in the week and really going to allow a we need not I believe I will my and I we are in a way I don’t know how you are probably for the hospital doors response Teddy and I left electric years and so a lot of my comments people were exhausted and. I think I will my family during the losing dependent upon who is and so must a similar initiativeand eventually back in the word of his particular now gems they could to Botswana last week we Particularly get some Petri by Wednesday to the city on the festival I had to know is what times you are looking for this American trivia any reaction at eight anything to gang as well as both the collective response about the day that the big movements gang be a beetle because the folks you by the way the Detroit University of costand how to become the no I think your American Bars Any of the Soundsand the Is Very Nice Indeed to Get Especially to Get One Needs Because We Use Out Of It so Cutting the Name for Decide Singles Me Thank You Very Much for Giving Us This Syllable List of Things to Get Mom to Good Old Mr Wilson Noses on One Another Speaks on to Say Things like the Purple Hearts along the Filmand Stuff like Viewing in Timing of the DSand in Which the Thought of Being a Politicianand You Been to Move out Only to Go Someplace Other Than Knowing Louise Arrington It’s a Hard Life Is a Hard Days Grind Says in the Many None of the Finalist Most Is You yet We Especially Nearly Days on the Job against Shelterand Bringing Things to Everyone the Minister at Any Moment Any Encompass a Accident Computer Any That I Was an Interesting American Girl Hoping the Police Protecting the Receiving in the City Is Knowledge the Denigrate Job in the Crowd Light Is Expected Now We Can Extend Any Library but the Most Interesting Offer You Ever Receive anand Just Enough to Vacate No Comment Now Know What You Want to Go Bowling No No They I Don’t Know You Will Straighten Was Watching Kellyand Thinking That Things Will Go to Drink from George How You Feel If Anyone Last Night I Enjoyed It Because We Seen the Film before down None of Us Were Very Excited until He Saw It with Youand Others Is That with All the People John Was the Next Secondand Friday Defendant in the Mobile Phone Will Then Rest Is Not Visible Many Congratulations on Your in the Getting Very Delighted Indeed but You Can about a Full Delighted Indeed I’m Glad You like I Loveand Is It Fun for You Loosening You Know Be Fun for You You Are Morningand He Said in a Way That Here but Probably Had a Lie Six Weeks Agoand We Got the Forms to Fill inand Then We We Knew That to Get It Two Days Ago These Forms Straight to the Store When I Was Just about Envelopes Delivered by Somebody by Handling One of Ryan’s Second Set out for You Send the Prime Minister Downing Street to Law Manager’s Officeand They Would Delivered from That to Take the Wheel Assumingand Then Ending How about a Day Later We Just Found Them How We Thought We Were Being Called the Armyand Then Reopened on Monday Then Everyone Outlined ITV the Other Long As Youand Be Awardedand I Don’t Know I Do Not Know Nothing about It Consistently Got It on the It’s Nice to Just Make You More Respectability I Don’t Think You May Be Other People Think to Make Me Any More Respectable I’m Still Scruff One You Had to Be about to the Palace in the Morning to Let I Don’t Know so I Went to Bible You You You Have Don’t Know That I Will Need to Know Well Did Wanted to about His Only Pajamasand an Auto to Get the Equipment Business to Things in the Family Got Them Then Put into the Transitand Then We Got Pushed around One the Lansing toand Only You Can’t Do Nothing about Organizing Thingsand Villains All of Youand the Weather Was Taylor Myself Finding about Heaven with Doing Actual Kickingand Unbelieving Now I’m a Very Delicateand Movedand Began to Me Now Currently the Title about That Just Has Joined It’s like Both onand They Go through the Streets of Making a Film Only Ever Going to Be Called to Reading. Coming out is able to building in a year Warner Bro is all in I mean they are all inand they’re going to be goingand buzzing on top of all that stuff Harry Potter movies were announced we knew about the Lego movies coming outand then this can be all the great dramatic stuff that Warner Bro puts out as well so I mean there’s a whole should appear as I know to start except I know let’s start with this is pulling out of thin airand humility to be the flash now this puts the final year we keep telling peopleand your people keep asking me sitting across green arrow into the movie universallyand now when you bring the flashing TV show an empty calendar not if said forever there to keep their televisionand their universe a separate which listen is the one thing they have gotten far more right than marble has this whole crossing TVand movies I’ve almost wore a movie stupidity is just stupidand heand I met Jaime magna why thing keeping them separate is far more creative freedom to the movie universe far more creative

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On the masses they are the same as the same yes now the so called Iris didn’t bonding America day ago people this is okay gonna do it is divide and conquer as his finest the oldest trick in the book Anatolia America is all about that that’s what they about that you don’t have to ask when you see the callout of flags what’s wrong to be fair is what works for tourism is not here we go with our service is a Assuming I'm Just An Old Lady Was Your First Mistake Reader Vintage T Shirt look at these people and they gonna bring that all your people you never get it to Seth Scholl daft to bring the so called black people to talk about it because a so called Iris is black and these people is fighting for black people you believe it on TV fake that if you take them as black people are fighting for you dumbass tall steel is like she was born American dream is born in Oakland California and how stainless work bloodstream MRI to the bloodstream and pay attention people remember the election is so called November watch out for the drama that gonna come with it under divide and conquer what. I want them to kill someone I don’t want to die at that at this point it’s just THIERRYand iSCSI has been clever there was talk out is the onlyand John is a fucking idiot how many times in the same mistakesand is all of the last episode I will fucking med start to wake the fuck upand One of the most horrible dream elsewhere for God’s on both out on the government’s utilities like still talking to Robert raffia in which phone is that’s what I can’t go to Kingsland authorities wild imagination is going not goingand that was actually the point where I was like my view is really good is really good when Rob Stark went offand I was my son this is probably the best of those see if you’re like me you spent another is one or two years investing emotionally in Rob Stark is good to make this right I hated him all I did on opportunities status is spinal I warning you all okay okay no I was he was I put all my soon hated signs the current stance on this amazing I still hate her now here now even was you came as a jazz molecule fucked is bizarre so I’m on your team I’ve been in just fine I hated signs of who owes directly Circe given erasers on over Joffrey oh my God Joffrey’s performanceand scripted whole package was so amazing I was able to separate the character from the actor until the actor outlived them I himself was that a thing about meditation was after he died out I was like will appreciate what you did for me when I felt something on around John who actually fucking sucked to the worst character in this whole show is is your on great joy that fucking pirate who can teleport around it just wants to get Circe answered no to the best part’s character was motivated by fucking Circe they thought Circeand he died that’s an art I can get on board with him when he when he washed up on the beach in the exact same spot where Jamie is yeah is like I’m gonna take your head to Circeand it’s like why you’re not in a duel that didn’t need to happen like they were never really at odds with what was it set up it was I was like that before right I don’t got so is happy met with the weight right when they brought the birds on the wrong the year I’m thinking what fortitude is one of hisand his youand what you know Jimmy had the hand is what I’m not Jamie Lantos so you just know just what modelsand amontillado that make’s women choose the one what they are because of your move from the right of the Circe deserve a way worse definite will she had the easiest way out she died in like this romantic way leg with her do you rejoice slowly poisoning individuality your loved area Mario stick the needle throat like 17 what if aria were Jamie’s faceand year I expected that Swiss already is a phase Jamie says something to Circe that that would her heartand the betrayaland then you find out if you don’t want the best moment was of the whole series was for me it was when aria killed Walter Frei went when she pulled a white light like that that’s an underrated moment right there because I like for two years ever since a red wedding lately whenever we were discussed as the show were all big things obviously I’d be like you know people do it when the dragons building thisand what’s what was to happen in the city over Ness Olson was Robin RRR you know what’s a John Snow going to do if he becomes more commanderand I was like fuck buddy when are we going to do with this fucking phrase there still fuck it down their childrenand their castle laughing about the ship with her silly ass hatI hated there I hate those fat girl costumes bad magnetic so they killed of one of the document to the two women on the show was presented to meand then Johnson Rob Stark’s girl didn’t know what he a friend she was bad already had the underwater no no the Rodarte area is we will search for also thinking that got stabbed in the belly was in as part of the whole series as a whole series is learned areas other porn finish off what was the pregnant one man suggested an old woman old pregnant you have down like a blonde Johnny in his auto about the bedroomand you will it was a like he was pretty established that after the battle of winter felt that Danny’s army had been demolished like the unsullied had been slaughtered in the top Iraqi tens of thousandsand thousands of them wiped outand then now even in like the the teaser for the next episode after this episode like she’s got a huge army it’s notice will be beyond that she had a huge army what you said but I felt like at the end of the battle of winter fell we didn’t know what they had like we didn’t think they would beat Searcy that was a real questionand I was even the characters relate to his old other thing now Circe’s plan of wiping us outand not being able to beat her is a problemand are doing the strategy the strategizingand they acted like it was even like it could go either way by two episodes ago suddenly there like looking should really just quit we all know how this ends we are so OP compared to youand they were eight minutes in there like ringing the bells that they want to close it was it was invited all one Dragon it is is is so fucking overpowered bit like episode I really like source I one thing I I did like was Circe’s reaction she was light well neuron you know he’s killed Dragon before you kill anotherand and is much like we know the Oregon fleet is burning at the bottom of the bay we have plenty of scorpions on the walls of the abutment but it all was all the scorpions of the destroyed well the Golden company has never been defeated in the field of my lady the golden company with burntand then the survivors were raped the death of metal lattice Nami five is better than any cell sort related lattice army has thrown down the weapons as there was slaughtered by the North menand then they were raped by the next thing she said was well the red keep has never fallen asleep which made the red default aside from me always being absolutely right here as welland then my father a few years before that were all ended that time way before that when the tour Garyand stated public just three times before now what the like but lately I should own a little bit of a positive spin on the upside area like what will the stuff that you liked about devising I like I like that Circe died I did like that but I didn’t like how she died she deserved a considerable degree were done know denied that she should give a fuck about you logo is character arc I want to see Baghdad ringwormand how he finishes thousands of beside no sign that he does musicand is fucking though it’s really no resumes is a dick in real life is not a surprise in the military Messiah not I like to is a legacy I don’t look at it like I would’ve done this or that you have Xanax I enjoyed I enjoyed it was old this has taken years from my lifeand I appreciate that the that they have a momentous end in this wrists comes inand wants people to say this about D D they do a book adaptation better than anyone has done a book adaptation perhaps in the history of cinema describing also I literally wiped throughand perhaps that was also very good in the paramilitary don’t do is original workand as best what they did with the last couple seasons so read anything that Michael learned from Hollywood movie watching use D D for book adaptationsand not for like grass field open projects yet all I’ll say what I hope happens next upset I hope periods in big fucking trouble for letting Jamie goand there is a trial by combatand and she chooses gray worm as her championand John Snow steps up for Syrianand andand John Snow fucking kills gray worm and then theand thenand then he kills Dannyand then he takes the blackand the that the kingdom ends up being ruled by like some sort of fucking tribunal or some shit like Sam well Charlie light like like fucking if it Sam ran to get put in charge especially by example Samsung you put in charge because he doesn’t even like you enough for some family apparently like world that is the lost Arkansas John wants to go take the blackand so you are Stark’s mobile brand this fucking weirdo was the oldest male I guess he gets to be in charge like he’s on my nerves the Zalman matter which one artist brought Ron Bramwell Guerin is on his cryptic shipment is a woman should tell it was happening is happening is a litigious Soviet process is is was going to ask you we should do about Toby original to go for walks to wait until three is trying is almost anyway brand is going initiate bum he has given no useful advice to anyone I hope they just wheel him into a cornerand facing laid out is trying to move this break it would be so funny if nothing ended up happening with him though was the storyline that Tyler is my friend is in Leo I want to watch the teaser for the next episode like I am with you but I could I noted spoilers like mother was on Reddit they have proven to be reliable thus farand a mattress anymore you don’t do that for millennia. The vast difference in your story sound from my home state of Texas mission you are a school nurse and mother in El Paso are you in a new school year over the returning to start when we went farm which is their home and career are doing okay there were scores for committed students and school do whatever it takes and said they did a perfect score for to move forward went for everyone to watch the bank to Michelle I think there’s nothing like difficult grasses burns to be our children suffer and tell I think they do a great job in guiding interdisciplinary difficult training think if you want to do is nurse truly heroic and really enjoy talking to all of you I think I question you believe that change is coming to you believe that better days are yes thank you for two to speak with us and sharing your thoughts you either we and we the people and you I guess convention is about we only through to be so made the and you are we the we are festivals walking with fear of course we were able to do will be in several out with leaders throughout See Other related products: unicorn shirts and shirt

[samrudhbaden1994]

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[faequeen40]

Burning Down the Highway Skyline

Yet another fic for your viewing pleasure as part of my Birthday Bomb!

This one turned into a monster so this only the first chapter but its like 11k of angst so take that as you will. XD

After a miscommunication for a diplomatic/infiltration venture, Keith and Lance have to pretend to be a devoted engaged couple. Not everything is as it seems in the idyllic world of Libanis. Will Keith and Lance be able to navigate the mess of their mutual pining to figure it out before the trap springs on them?

This…this wasn’t at all what he had been expecting.

When Shiro had briefed them, it had definitely seemed more like a bit of harmless acting than the current clusterfuck he was walking into.

They just had to get in, pretend to be a couple of dignitaries for a few days and distract the government long enough for Pidge to crack the codes protecting the very large, very dangerous Galra base taking up the majority of the southern hemisphere of the planet. The Libanian people were tentatively allied with the Galra and the Alliance desperately wanted this base gone. Taking it down would free up this entire sector.

And there was absolutely no way the Libanians were just going to let them waltz in and take the base down. Allura had tried.

This mission wasn’t something that Keith could really turn down, all things considered.

But as Keith looked out at the crowd that screamed congratulations at his back, an equally shell shocked Lance at his side, it was becoming increasingly clear that maybe everything wasn’t as clear cut as Shiro and Allura had believed.

“I… I did hear them right, didn’t I?” Lance said slowly, for once just as uncomfortable in a social situation as Keith was, “My translation doohickey isn’t on the fritz?”

“If yours is messing up, then so is mine.” Keith hissed, willing his face to stop flushing.

God this was such a mess.

“So they really think….”

“We’re here to get married? Yeah.”

“Shiro didn’t say anything about this little detail.” Lance hummed, his smile starting look slightly strained.

“I’m beginning to think we’ve been misinformed. About a lot of things.”

“You don’t think… they did it on purpose?”

“Shiro wouldn’t do that, even as a joke.” Keith said sternly, giving Lance a dark look.

“I didn’t mean Shiro, Mr. Grumpypants.” Lance huffed, easily keeping pace as the two of them followed after their almost weirdly excited host, “I know Pidge wouldn’t hesitate.”

Keith considered his point for a moment before heaving a sigh.

He wasn’t wrong, per se.

“I’d like to think she wouldn’t do something like this on an important mission.” He offered at last, Lance nodding along at his words, a thoughtful look on his face.

His relationship with Lance recently had been strange lately, for lack of a better term.

Gone were the days of petty fights just for the sake of fighting and upholding a very one-sided rivalry.

Imagine his surprise when he discovered that Lance was actually enjoyable to be around when they weren’t constantly at each other’s throats. Their teamwork had grown by leaps and bounds.

There wasn’t a lot he was afraid of now, especially if he knew Lance had his back.

Keith actually trusted Lance to have his back now. And when he thought about it, there really wasn’t a lot of people he’d give that distinction to.

It didn’t help that he may have developed a teeny tiny, absolutely miniscule (fucking enormous) crush on Lance as a result of their more positive interactions.

A crush that Shiro absolutely knew about, that bastard. If he had anything to do with this…

But it wasn’t his fault!

Lance was just so hard not to notice. So hard not to slowly fall in love with. Behind his obvious flirtations and showboating, there was a genuinely good person and teammate.

He was a genius sniper, an excellent strategist, and an even better friend.

Keith loved him.

If there was anyone he’d have to pretend to be engaged to, he’d absolutely want it to be Lance.

Not that he’d ever tell him that.

Nope. No way.

Not in a million years.

They’d make it through this mess like they had ever mess before. And Keith would treasure his memories of what it felt like to be Lance’s person.

Since he was sure he’d never experience the reality of a situation like that.

What with Lance being straight as a fucking rail.

This was as close as he’d ever get and he’d take it.

A few days of pretending to be in engaged bliss before rushing out of here to blow up a Galra base.

He could totally do this.

With a delighted hum, their guide stopped and gestured to the suite around them, a wide smile disproportionately stretching their face.

“We’re so delighted to have you, sirs!” The guide sighed dreamily, “The delegation that arranged your ceremony was more than happy to share your story with us. Truly a love tale for the ages! Warriors who came to fall for one another over the course of a brutal and taxing war! How romantic!”

Keith frowned deeply as their guide twirled on the spot, her ribbons coming close to smacking him in the face.

That description sounded a little too close to home to sit well with him. Had Pidge really set something like this up?

“Is there any kind of itinerary that we could see?” Lance asked sweetly, only the stiffness to his shoulders betraying the tension he was carrying, “Our delegation didn’t give us one so Kitar and I are a bit lost.”

He punctuated his statement by wrapping a surprisingly corded arm around Keith's waist and tugging him close to the line of his body.

Keith had to fight the urge to stiffen at the unexpected action and the sudden heat of Lance’s body so close to his own. He forced himself to relax back into the embrace, guilt and happiness twisting his stomach into knots.

This might be harder than he had expected.

“But of course! I can’t blame the delegation for wanting to surprise the two of you!” The guide giggled, prodding at her wrist to produce a holographic screen very similar to those of the castle, “Rest assured, you two are going to be in excellent hands. Libanis is known for the gorgeous ceremonies it performs and it looks like the two of you are put down for the whole package! You must be very devoted to one another!”

Unease pooled in Keith’s gut and he let a bit of his weight rest against Lance, a frown pulling at his lips.

Something definitely wasn’t right here.

“What exactly does the whole package entail?” Keith asked, stalwartly ignoring the way his voice cracked.

…And the way Lance’s hand felt as it wrapped around his hop.

Good God, his hands were huge.

The guide hummed for a moment and pulled up another screen, perusing it with pursed lips. “The whole package entails a union of the body, mind, and soul! And it looks like the two of you are going for the express trail! So tomorrow you’ll start with the traditional ceremony of your people, then you’ll have Libanis' tribunal ceremony a few days after and then you’ll end your stay with us by performing the quintessence binding at the beach!” She recounted, “It is such an honor to be of service to such a devoted couple!”

Keith huffed out an overwhelmed breath, Lance’s hand tightening almost imperceptibly on his hip.

This…this definitely wasn’t what he wanted. Who the fuck gets married three times? And immediately after making it to what was essentially a vacation planet?

All he wanted was to bask in Lance’s attention for a few guilty days and then go kick ass. Not get married.

“I know that your journey has been most taxing so I’ll leave the two of you to your leisure. If you need me, please don’t hesitate to knock on the golden panel. I will come to assist as needed.”

Their guide disappeared after that, the small woman vanishing in a burst of ribbon and giggles.

Keith only waited long enough for the door to click closed before digging his com out of the bag at his side.

“Shiro, what the fuck?!” He growled, the com coming to life with a crackle of static.

If he had anything to do with this…

“You’re going to have to be a bit more specific, Keith. What happened?” Shiro said dryly, the tone of his voice so familiar that Keith could practically see the accompanying expression.

“They think we’re here to get married!” Keith snapped, hands tightening around the com to the point that the metal creaked.

Sure, Keith loved Lance. He loved him so much that he felt like he’d probably burst.

But they weren’t even together. This wasn’t a potential next step in their relationship.

This was jumping every gun they possibly could. All the guns. Just jumping right the fuck over the damn things.

This…this was just too much.

Today was the first time Lance had even somewhat acted like they were together and Keith thought he’d die from the guilt. He wouldn’t take any more advantage of Lance.

“That doesn’t sound right.” Pidge's voice called across the come, her hurried words making Keith freeze, violet eyes meeting Lance’s equally panicked gaze.

That was never a good sign.

“What are you talking about?” Lance asked, voice gravelly and tight.

“I mean that you guys were definitely registered as dignitaries, not an engaged couple. What the hell did you do?”

“What do you mean ‘what did we do'? We followed our instructions!” Lance snarled, frustration warping his features into something half scary and half ridiculously attractive.

Keith already knew he had an issue.

“Uh, guys. There was another couple hat was supposed to arrive at the same time as the two of you.” Hunk interjected, apology in his voice, “I think they got the two groups confused.”

“And we went along with it.” Keith groaned, “There is no way we can clear up the misunderstanding without blowing our cover, is there?”

“Not really. Especially since it looks like the other party also played along with mix up. Whoever the real Kitar and Leandro are, they were perfectly happy to play at being diplomats.” Pidge huffed.

“So we…we have to get married tomorrow.” Lance said absently, his face curiously blank.

Guilt surged in Keith’s chest and he resisted the urge to further crush the com clutched in his fist.

This wasn’t what he wanted.

Not at all.

“There has to be another way for this to work.” Keith said desperately, “We could run off, cause a scene? Would that be enough of a distraction?”

He refused to drag Lance into this. Even if the idea of being married to Lance kinda made his chest flutter, it had always been a far off fantasy.

This wasn’t right.

“It would be too risky. We went with this plan because it presented the lowest level of risk.” Shiro sighed, “But I won’t force the issue. If you two don’t want to go through with this, we can scrap the plan and try something else.”

Part of Keith absolutely wanted to jump onto Shiro’s suggestion….but they had picked this plan for a reason. They were trusting Lance and Keith to plant a few things through out the building. Without the transmitters, it would take Pidge much longer to crack the codes protecting the base.

The Alliance didn’t want to be patient.

“Are…are you sure?” Keith mumbled, “I thought all our other ideas were too dangerous or too long for the Alliance to wait.”

“They are but ceremonies like these are a big deal. I’m not putting the two of you in that kind of position without your consent.”

That was surprisingly comforting. And very generous.

But they’d already sunk so much time and energy into this plan. It didn’t feel right to just ditch it.

At the same time, he wasn’t going to force Lance to go through with it. He’d figure something out.

Keith let his hand relax and looked up, surprised to see Lance staring at him intently, cerulean eyes almost searching as they licked gazes.

“I’m not putting anyone else in danger.” Lance said resolutely, “We agreed on this plan. I won’t make any decisions for Keith but I’m going through with this.”

Keith could only gape at the Blue Paladin, unsure of how to react.

Lance wanted to go through with everything? He was willing to marry Keith no less than three times if their infiltration took too much time?

He was too much. Every time he thought he couldn’t fall for him any harder.

“If Lance is staying, then so am I.”

The com went quiet for a moment before Shiro sighed, the noise causing a burst of static to echo from the device.

“Be careful, guys.”

Static eventually fizzled away into silence, a thread of tension stretching between them as the quiet continued to linger.

“So now what?”

Lance was so fucking screwed.

The silence after their call was thick that he was sure that Keith probably could have cut through it with his bayard.

If, you know, Keith.exe was working.

It was the first time he’d ever seen that particularly look on Keith’s face.

He just looked stunned.

Not that Lance could really blame him. This situation was nothing like what Shiro had explained to them after they’d volunteered.

This was always intended to be a mission primarily dependent on acting. It was right up Lance’s alley so of course he wanted to be on it. He was an actor at heart, all the way.

Pidge had found an allied planet nearby that had mostly humanoid inhabitants and after some convincing, mostly on Hunk and Allura’s part, the planet had agreed to send a fake delegation to Libanis.

They were supposed to be diplomats, for fuck’s sake.

That disguise was supposed to give them the most freedom to move around the palace and do the things that needed to be done. This? This wasn’t going to be like what Lance had expected at all.

The entire team was depending on them to plant those transmitters. They wouldn’t’ be able to get inside the base’s walls without them.

Despite the Empire’s overall lack of great technological safety, this base was actually airtight in an exceptionally worrisome way.

Pidge and Hunk had attributed it to the alliance between the Galra and Libanis. They were highly technologically advanced people, a lot of what Lance had already seen being on par or more evolved than the technology in the Castle itself.

It was part of the reason Lance had volunteered for this mission. He wasn’t necessarily technologically inclined, so he wanted to make himself useful where he could.

This. This would be useful.

That and he knew Keith was already planning on going.

Sending the most hotheaded Paladin of Voltron into a diplomatic situation definitely wouldn’t have been his first choice for a delicate mission like this but he understood why Keith would want to go.

He understood a lot of things about Keith these days.

He would have felt just as useless sitting around the Castle while the others trucked away on the code.

The things he understood tended to come up when he finally decided to stop living in denial about his feelings and face the facts.

The facts being that he’d never really hated Keith Kogane.

Quite the opposite, in fact.

He’d fallen for Keith long before he’d ever fought an intergalactic war at his side.

Lance had fallen for the lonely star pilot of the Garrison before he could even consider the notion.

He’d buried the feelings as deeply as he could after Keith’s expulsion and even further after they’d managed to rescue Shiro and get lost on the far side of the universe.

It had hurt when Keith had claimed not to remember him.

Lance could never have forgotten Keith.

So he may or may not have…overreacted.

A little.

Just a teensy bit.

He picked fights, inflaming a rivalry that he knew was ultimately one sided.

Lance wanted Keith’s attention, even if he constantly deluded himself as to why he craved it.

Things had been set to continue in the same vein until Hunk had finally pulled him aside after a mission and in an uncharacteristic fit of frustration with his best friend, Hunk had simply unloaded.

And even if he’d initially been hurt by Hunk’s words, Lance couldn’t fault his argument.

Their jobs places them in unimaginable danger and there was every chance that this mission would be the one that finally claimed their lives.

Did he really want Keith’s memories of him or his memories of Keith to be tinged with bitterness and regret?

It wasn’t hard to come to a decision after that.

Their rivalry had sloped off almost immediately and Lance really couldn’t fault Keith for his suspicion regarding Lance’s suddenly much friendlier behavior.

But he’d stuck it out and kept trying.

And trying

               And trying.

Keith was very similar to the skittish cat that had lurked in his neighborhood when he was a child.

In a lot of ways.

There was hesitance in all of his interactions with the team, all except Shiro of course.

He was unused to a lot of things, friendly touch most of all.

Lance had lost count of how many times he’d startled Keith in nearly decking him.

For someone as physically affectionate as Lance, it was a bit daunting. But he resolved to have patience and coax Keith out as slowly as it took.

Things had finally started to pay off lately. He could honestly say they were friends now!

He had made Keith genuinely laugh. Like twice!

But Lance wanted more.

So much more.

He wanted to be the one to hold his hand, the one to pull him close in the middle of the night and just shower him with all the love and affection that threatened to make Lance bust at the scenes.

Of course, he was sure it wouldn’t ever happen.

Because Keith was with Allura.

And Lance would never actively try to sabotage someone’s relationship, even if he ever thought he could compete with Allura.

If Keith was happy, the he was too. Plus, there was a whole universe out there.

It wouldn’t be easy but there had to be someone out here he could grow to love as much as he did Keith, right?

Right?

Of course, this mission just had to go sideways in all the worst ways.

A guilty part of him had been absolutely thrilled at the idea of pretending to be in a relationship with Keith.

A few days of finally getting to lavish Keith with affection like he so desperately craved?

Sign him the fuck up.

But this? This wasn’t right. Keith would still be with Allura after all this was over and Lance would be left wanting and heartbroken.

Just a taste of what it would be like to have Keith be his would never be enough.

Lance knew himself too well for that.

He’d done his best to hold back as they’d followed their guide through the palace, the weight of expectant stares falling heavy on his shoulders.

Their guide had seemed suspicious in the suite so he’d allowed himself the one tiny break, a casual arm around Keith’s waist.

A bare minimum that made his heart threaten to gallop right out of his chest.

He’d felt Keith’s flinch and the forced relaxation, a reaction that only inflamed Lance’s guilt.

He couldn’t have this.

And he didn’t want to jeopardize the relationship he had already with Keith! He valued the friendship they had fought for and if this farce continued, he’d probably make a fool out of himself and spill his feelings everywhere.

And then Allura would probably come whoop his ass for making moves on her man.

It was too much.

Then lo and behold, the guide springs the “express package’ on them.

Just who the hell were they impersonating? Were they having a shotgun wedding?

This wasn’t the plan at all!

The rest of the conversation left him a bit dazed but there was no way he was going to control his temper when Pidge implied that the situation was somehow their fault. Both she and Hunk knew how he felt!

This wasn’t what he wanted!

If he felt guilty about pretending to be with Keith, the idea of actually marrying him made him choke with the emotion.

Hell yeah, he’d like to marry Keith.

In the future of their probably completely fantastic, ridiculous relationship.

That didn’t exist!

Keith had managed to offer alternatives but Lance was trying too hard not to just take off and demand that the misunderstanding be fixed because he couldn’t take this.

It pushed at the threads keeping his feelings in check, wearing away at the already worn fibers. He didn’t want to ruin what he already had!

He almost leaped on Shiro’s out.

But…Keith was right.

This plan was their safest bet. Their only other option was to send Pidge down to infiltrate with her cloaking technology…and Lance wouldn’t endanger her like that.

He wouldn’t endanger any of them like that.

They were his family.

Lance wouldn’t tuck and run. He’d find a way to make this plan work.

But he wouldn’t drag Keith into it.

There was probably a way he could spin the situation to his favor when Keith took the out that Shiro offered.

“If Lance is staying, then so am I.”

Wait, what?

Keith…was going to stay?

And potentially marry him three times?

Lance wasn’t sure how he should take everything that was going on.

“So now what?’ Keith huffed, voice quiet as he looked up, eyes searching as if Lance had all the answers to their current problems.

“I…I don’t know.” He replied at last, stepping away from where he was practically plastered to Keith’s side, “I didn’t have much of a plan beyond ‘don’t let Pidge try to solo infiltrate a base’.”

Keith frowned at that, crossing his arms as he stared at the couch beside them, eyebrows furrowed in concentration.

As cute, and distracting, as Keith’s concentration face was, Lance couldn’t help but be a bit ashamed of himself.

He was better than this dammit.

It only took a few deep breaths to settle his clamoring thoughts and he took full advantage of that clarity.

They definitely had options.

“It think we have about three options here.” He sighed, a little unnerved at how quickly Keith had snapped to attention.

Military training never really left you.

“Options?” Keith echoed, shifting his weight almost anxiously, “If figured there’d be less to be honest.”

“They’re what I could think up on the spot, flyboy.” Lance shrugged, giving in to the urge to pace as he explained, “Option One, we call Shiro back and take the extraction.”

“Nope.”

“Would you let me finish?”

“Are all the options this bad?” Keith grumbled, looking almost hurt by the first suggestion, “If we wanted to go with Option One, we would have when Shiro offered.”

…He did have a point.

“Option Two,” Lance continued, emphasizing the words as he spoke, narrowing his eyes as Keith opened his mouth to argue, “We do the plan you suggested. Go out and completely wreck shit and try to refrain from getting captured for as long as it takes for Pidge to hack the system, if they don’t just kill us outright. Not gonna lie. Not my favorite option.”

Keith heaved a sigh and sat heavily on the arm of the couch, the ornamental tunic that served as their disguise draping around his slouched figure gracefully.

He was just too pretty.

It wasn’t fair. He was going to make Lance do something stupid if he didn’t stop.

“What’s Option Three?”

“We keep up with the disguise.” Lance said quietly, pausing in his pacing to watch Keith with a careful eye, “The engagement. The ceremonies. We let them keep us in the palace and use all of it to help us get into the rooms we need to bug.”

“What do you mean?”

“We’re supposed to be engaged and disgustingly devoted enough to get married three times. I don’t know about you but the couples I’ve met like that had a tendency to disappear behind closed doors. A lot. Especially in places that they really shouldn’t be.” Lance explained, willing the flush away from his face as he watched Keith’s dawning look of realization.

“So we sneak around and basically pretend to make out in a bunch of the rooms.” Keith said dryly, a curious red starting at the tips of his ears.

“It’s just an option.”

One that he would love if it included just a little less pretending. But hey, he was a good fucking person.

He almost wanted to pace again as Keith considered his words.

The silence made him second guess everything, panic starting to tinge his thoughts as he tried to wear a hole in the carpet beneath his feet.

Why had he even suggested Option Three?

He felt guilty enough as it was! And the temptation! It wouldn’t go away!

Please go with Option Two…

Please.

He wouldn’t be able to take it.

“If…if it’s you, I don’t mind Option Three.”

“What?”

“We’re friends, right?” Keith scrambled, an almost manic cast to his eyes, “I trust you. And this is the safest option for the mission. The faster we plant those transmitters, the quicker we can go take the base out and get out of here.”

Lance tried not to deflate at his words, heart threatening to jump into his throat.

Right.

The mission.

Keith had already almost sacrificed himself multiple times for the sake of completing a mission. This wouldn’t be any different to him.

“Yeah. For the mission.” He said hoarsely, keeping a brittle smile on his face.

Why had ever considered that he might have thought about anything else?

~~~~

Keith willing his heart not to crack in half as Lance echoed Keith’s own statement, a smile on his face.

Fuck. He’d known this was going to happen. What had he expected? That Lance would trip over himself to declare his undying love at Keith’s feet? He’d know rejection was coming.

So why did it hurt so badly?

Pushing past the almost physical pain in his chest, Keith surged to his feet. He’d focus on the mission at hand and let that be the excuse. He’d use it as a crutch to get through this mess.

“So option three?”

Hurt almost seemed to spark in the depths of Lance’s cerulean eyes before he turned away, gesticulating wildly.

“Option three it is, Keithy boy! What’s a little pretend make outs between bros? We’ll show the rest of the team that we can do this! We’ll blow this mission out of the quiznacking water!”

“I still don’t think you’re using that word right.” Keith returned, their familiar banter pulling a slight smile to his face.

Lance turned back to retort but stopped, eyes lighting up with realization. “And we have nothing to worry about with the whole ceremony thing either! You know, since we aren’t actually Kitar and Leandro.” Lance winked, an unfamiliar stiffness to the familiar gesture, “It’s not gonna technically binding until the last ceremony. As long as we stick to the plan, we should have nothing to worry about.”

Keith tried to ignore the painful swoop in his gut at Lance’s proclamation before forcing himself to nod.

It was all just pretend. It didn’t mean anything.

“You’ll be free to find your Mrs. Blue Lion.” He recalled, trying to keep the bitterness out of his tone.

He wasn’t sure he succeeded.

“Yeah.” Lance replied, voice sounding oddly subdued for a moment before he stalked over to where Keith slouched over the couch arm.

Keith sat up as the taller boy loomed over him, a bit of concern in his eyes before it shifted.

“Are you going to be able to keep up, mullet?” He grinned the light of challenge illuminating his eyes.

Those gorgeous dark blue eyes.

“What?”

Great. He was eloquence incarnate.

“You gonna be able to keep up with my made romance skills? These people already seem like they expect us to be that sappy lovey dovey couple. I don’t know what they heard but we don’t want to blow our cover too soon.”

Blood threatened to rush to Keith’s cheeks again, the heat at the tips of his ears informing him of the losing battle.

Oh no. Lance couldn’t do this to him. He was just beginning to resign himself to his heartbreak.

This was almost cruel.

“You seem pretty sure of yourself.” Keith baited, “But I seem to remember a rather dismal record of romance since we got to space.”

“So I was a little unlucky!” Lance sputtered, “I’ll have you know that I am the romance master.”

Keith wished he knew. He wished he knew first hand.

“I’ll believe that when I see it.” Keith snorted, something in his chest easing at Lance’s antics despite himself.

They were still competitive. There probably wasn’t anything that would ever really change that fact. But now…now there was an element of fondness to their bickering that completely banished their previous hostility from the activity.

Lance was so easy to rile up and he inspired the same rush of emotion in Keith.

It was nice.

He loved the friendship he had with Lance and honestly it was another reason why he’d hadn’t tried to make a move. He didn’t want to ruin one of the few good things he had.

“I’ll prove it!” Lance huffed, “I’ll romance your pants off.”

Yes please.

Keith’s eyes went wide at the proclamation and his own though, barely forcing the burst of laughter that left him at Lance’s equally frantic face.

“Don’t laugh.” Lance grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest, a deep frown pulling at his mouth.

No no. He shouldn’t frown like that.

“Hey, knock off the brooding face. That’s my thing.” Keith tried, an apologetic tone to his voice.

That…was clearly not how he should have handled that.

“At least you admit it.”

And the evasive smile was back.

This was such a mess.

“Should we try to go plant a transmitter?” He offered hesitantly, unsure what to make of the somewhat forlorn look on Lance’s face.

The sooner they planted them, the sooner Keith could go privately deal with his heartbreak and move on.

“Are you ready for that?”

Oh. Oh, Lance really was too kind for his own good.

“As ready as I’ll ever be.”

Lance nodded before helping him to his feet, expression serious, almost solemn. “I’ll let you dictate boundaries. I’m okay with physical affection but I know you’re still iffy on it. Tell me if something isn’t okay.”

Even heartbroken, he loved this beautiful boy so much.

“I’m…I’m okay with holding hands.’ Keith hummed, offering one hand, “But vie me some warning if you’re going to grab me. I’m not good with surprises.”

Holding hands. That…that was safe right?

Friends held hands all the time.

Lance reached out and curled his fingers over Keith’s proffered hand, the motion making butterflies erupt in Keith’s stomach.

He let Lance lead him from their room, his chatter washing over him like a wave.

This was nice.

Lance’s hand was a little sweaty and that was kinda gross but at the same time, he didn’t mind it all that much.

IT was so easy to hold Lance’s hand. Keith couldn’t help but marvel at how easily their fingers slotted together, Lance’s spindly digits feeling drastically longer than his own. Not even to mention how their different skin tones looked pressed together like this.

His hands weren’t small but damn if Lance’s hands didn’t make him feel like they were.

He was so caught up in his hand consideration that he ran right into Lance, smacking into his chest with a muffled thump.

“You okay there, space cadet?”

“Technically, we’re both space cadets.”

“Don’t interject logic into our conversations now.” Lance chuckled, “But seriously, I need your attention. There are a lot doors here.”

“Should we just check them all? Look around the rooms?” Keith tried, unsure of how to proceed.

They could just kick them down right? It’d go a lot faster.

“That is not a good idea.”

Well, fuck. He tried.

“What do you think, then?”

“Machinery like the computers here make noise, right? We could listen for the sound.”

“We’re gonna look really creepy listening at doors.”

“I don’t see you coming up with anything better.” Lance hissed, gesturing wildly with his free hand.

“I didn’t say it was a bad idea.” Keith teased, letting himself smile a bit at Lance’s put off expression.

He couldn’t let his mess ruin their friendship. He valued it too much for that.

If that meant he had to laugh and joke through every part of the situation, then so be it.

He’d channel a little bit of Lance while they were here.

“Just come listen at doors with me, dork.”

The half strangled noise that left him Lance dropped his hand was definitely due to surprise.

Not disappointment.

Absolutely not.

Shaking himself, Keith went to the door opposite of Lance, pressing his ear to the material for a moment before moving on to the next.

They’d almost made it through the entire hallway when Lance made a soft noise of triumph, gesturing for Keith to join him front of his door. Hesitantly, Keith crept over to where Lance was fiddling with the doorknob, a sharp click accompanying a low chuckle from the taller boy beside him.

“Did you just pick the lock?”

“I have like three older siblings. I had to learn certain things as a means of survival.” Lance hissed, grasping his hand again without even a second glance, “They did not hesitate to lock me out of the house.”

“That doesn’t sound very nice.”

“Older siblings are like that bro.”

Lance holding his hand was way more distracting than it had any right to be and Keith wanted nothing more than to just focus on the sensation all day but it was hard when Lance was pulling him into the room, shutting the door with a snap behind them.

“Did Pidge actually say anything specific about where we need to place the transmitter?” Lance asked, looking around the surprisingly small computer room, machinery humming gently as they searched.

“Usually we just have to find some kind of port. It doesn’t matter what kind.” Keith answered, looking over the table that dominated the far wall, monitors covering everything from the surface of the table to the ceiling.

His presence must have triggered something as the screens leaped to life, hundreds of rooms visible on what was clearly looking to be a security monitor.

“Oh, oh shit.” Lance swore, “They can watch us in our room.”

Keith’s eyes leapt to the monitor and sure enough their room was one of the many shown on the screen before him, although it seemed like the camera was angled in such a way that it couldn’t see into the bedroom. “It can’t see into the bedroom.”

“This camera can’t see into the bedroom.” Lance gagged, “Who knows if there’s more. I really hope they don’t pick up audio.”

Why….oh.

Oh that would be bad.

Their cover would be blown from the get go.

“This definitely means that they know we’re gone now.” Keith interjected, interrupting Lance’s inaudible grumbling, the Blue Paladin looking back to him with a frown.

“We need to hurry then.”

With a nod, Keith resumed his searching, squeezing Lance’s hand insistently when he finally tracked down a port on the far side of the monitor system.

Keith was honestly more than a little creeped out by the whole monitor situation, all in all. Did they have someone watching here all the time? Did the other people in the palace know?

Why did they have something like this?

Shuffling outside their door caught their attention and Keith couldn’t help but panic. They were caught. How were they going to explain how they had managed to get in here?

Fuuuuck.

The transmitter was placed but what were they going to do it they got found out now? There were still two more transmitters that needed to be placed if Pidge was going to be able to take those walls down in any timely fashion.

Lance’s hand squeezed his for a moment, his attention immediately going to where Lance was unbuttoning the high collar on his tunic with one hand, bottom lip caught between his teeth.

“Just follow my lead okay?”

Keith could barely focus on his words, too busy staring at the bared column of Lance’s throat and the way his pearly white teeth pulled at his bottom lip. His tongue swiped out over the bitten red and Keith couldn’t help but swallow harshly, following with only the slightest prompting as Lance pulled him over to the far wall, pressing his own back against the cleared wall.

He…he was worrying about something right?

Something important.

“Consider this your forewarning.”

There was only a second to try to process Lance’s words before he pulled him close, pressing their bodies together from chest to hip, one hand moving to press Keith’s face into the crook of his neck.

Long, slender fingers dug into his hair and it took everything in Keith’s power not to freeze up completely at the motion, his hands fluttering in the air as he tried to figure out what to do with them.

What the fuck was this?

Did he die? Was this some horrible version of hell?

Because being this close to Lance, this intimately close to Lance, was torture of the worst kind.

“Work with me here.” Lance hissed, guiding his awkward hands so that one rested on Lance’s hip and the other hooked behind his knee, pulling a leg up and pressing Keith even closer to Lance.

The door handle jiggled and a key scraped at the lock but Keith couldn’t bring himself to care. He was so close to Lance. He could feel how fast Lance’s heart was beating from where they were pressed together, his pulse beating in the neck that Keith had buried his face in.

Caramel colored skin was right there and Keith wanted nothing more than to open his mouth and taste it. He exhaled roughly, the motion pulling a stuttered gasp from Lance’s throat, one hand skating down between Keith’s shoulder blades, resting there as his other hand almost threatened to tangle in his hair.

This was the most blissful sort of torture Keith had ever experienced and he didn’t know how to cope.

He finally had his hands on Lance but it had all come after a horrible sort-of rejection and before the inevitable ceremony tomorrow where he’d marry Lance under a different name. It was dangling temptation and Keith hated it.

He’d never be able to forget the feel of Lance’s hip under his hand or the way the muscles in his leg twitched under his grip. The smell of his skin was so much stronger here, a sharp, almost spicy tone that made Keith want to inhale deeply and never stop breathing.

Lance smelled so good and he as so warm against him.

The door finally creaked open, a violent sound of surprise emanating from whoever had just walked in on them. “Oh, oh my Trinity. I am so sorry but I’m going to have to ask you to stop?”

What? But Keith just got here.

“Our bad.” Lance hummed, the vibration carrying over to where his chest was pressed to Keith’s, the cadence of Lance’s words almost pulling an exceptionally embarrassing noise from Keith, “You see, we felt a bit watched in our room. And we aren’t exactly into that.”

Why the fuck did his voice sound like that? Low and…sultry?

He didn’t ask to hear that sexy voice. How was he supposed to ignore that Lance could sound like that?

“Our apologies. It is palace protocol. But the bedroom is free of all monitoring equipment.” The guard sputtered, their embarrassment almost palpable from their voice alone.

Keith’s vision was currently taken up with the greatest temptation he’d seen in a very, very long time. Would Lance even notice if he brushed his lips against his skin?

No. No that was a bad idea. Lance was his friend, they were firmly doing this marriage thing in the bro zone and he wasn’t going to jeopardize that!

“Well, we’d already been through there once but I mean it wouldn’t hurt to revisit an old favorite.”

Was Lance implying that they’d already….?

They’d only been here for like an hour!

“I see. Could you please return to your rooms? If you just leave, I won’t have to report this.”

“If you insist. Kitar, sweetheart, apparently we have to take this party elsewhere.” Lance grinned, the expression strained as he finally let up on the back of Keith’s head, eyes conveying a slight bit of relief…and guilt?

That was strange. Shit, should he try to play along?

Fuck it. Going for it.

“And we were just getting to the fun part.” He purred, trying to emulate the tone that Lance had been using.

Something about it must have worked because that was the reddest he had ever seen Lance’s face go in forever.

Success, then?

Shutting his mouth with a click, Lance grasped his hand and pulled him past the exasperated security guard, almost speed walking away from the scene of their crime. Lance didn’t say another word until they’d successfully shut the door to their room behind him and even then all he did was breathe a sigh of relief.

“That was too fucking close.”

“You were right about that fake making out thing.” Keith mused, “He didn’t really ask that many questions.”

“Well, people tend to get awkward when they run into other people in the middle of stuff like that.” Lance said in a rush, the blush from earlier yet to abate.

“It’s pretty useful in a pinch.” Keith nodded, trying to push down the hopeful feeling that sparked in his chest at the idea that it might happen again.

He might be able to feel Lance under his hands again.

Grimacing, he beat the feeling down with a stick and took a deep breath. “One down, two to go, right?” Lance grinned, smile not quite reaching his eyes as he continued to walk further into the room.

“Hopefully the other two go as smoothly.” Keith sighed, willing himself to stare as Lance’s hands went to the line of buttons on his tunic, undoing the rest of them, “What are you doing?”

“Gonna go clean up, mullet. The ride here was a mess and I kinda want to check out the digs. This planet has a pretty early sundown and I want to get as much sleep as we can before tomorrow. We might have another chance to plant a transmitter, not to mention the whole ceremony thing.”

“Oh. Uh, I’ll see if they’ll bring us some food then?”

“That would be fantastic. Anything has got to be better than the food goo.”

Caramel taunted him as the blue silken tunic slid up and over Lance’s scarred back, the splatter of discolored skin perfectly matching the wound he’d had from the crystal explosion.

He wanted to follow. Wanted to finally come clean and lay everything out on the table.

Keith wanted.

But he let him go, slumping against the door with a groan that barely made it past his teeth.

This whole situation was going to kill him.

~~~

Clean up.

Yeah. About that.

Lance just had to get out of that room. Had to get away from Keith before he did something stupid like spilling all his feelings and jumping Keith’s bones.

His neck almost seemed to burn from where Keith’s breath had hit his skin and the places where his hands had clutched at him still tingled. He’d only been a few moments away from Keith feeling his interest a little more intimately.

He was glad that they’d managed to plant one of the transmitters but right now, Lance couldn’t focus. He was too keyed up.

A little time away from each other would help him clear his head and hopefully come up with a good game plan for tomorrow. They still didn’t know what the ceremony would entail tomorrow and whether or not there would be any opportunities for them to plant another transmitter.

And even when the transmitters were planted, they didn’t know how long Pidge would need to bust through the codes keeping her out. She was good but everything took time.

He let his tunic flutter to the floor as he walked into the spacious bedroom, firmly ignoring the bed that sat in the center of the room, gauzy curtains hanging to the floor and ivory bed sheets reflecting the colors of the setting sun.

It was gorgeous but Lance had a different destination in mind.

He stomped for the promise of the bathroom, an impressed whistle leaving him at the grand size of the room before him. An enormous tub was built into the far side of the bathroom, a burbling waterfall spilling over the wall to splash into the tubs bottom. Several stalls lined the side closest to him, a grand mirror taking up space directly in front of him.

Lance gazed at his own reflection, envying how composed he looked.

He didn’t feel composed.

He felt tempted.

And it wasn’t fair. Keith was his friend! And he’d made up his mind but whenever Keith was close to him, it was hard to think, hard to reason.

He wanted to tell him. Keeping his feelings bottled up made him feel like a ticking time bomb, a Molotov cocktail with an ever shortening scrap of cloth.

Things were going to go south quickly if they didn’t get out of this situation.

Hands going to the intricate knot at the front of his pants, he untied it and let the rest of his clothing pool on the tiled floor, feet slapping against the cold material as he walked over to the tub, water already filling it as he walked closer.

Everything was proximity based it seemed.

Neat.

A good bath would help him clear his head and maybe relax him just a bit. Tomorrow was going to be an adventure in the worst way and a little bit of relaxation now would help.

Contrary to what he’d said to Keith, this marriage thing was going to be a big deal to him. Lance took commitment seriously. As serious as a flipping heart attack serious.

Even if they were getting married under false names, a part of Lance would still consider it their commitment.

Marriage was a big deal in his family. His Mama and Papa had been married young and even if their marriage wasn’t flawless, they made it work. And they loved each other so much that it had seemed almost nauseating when Lance was a child.

But they had been his model. Their love, their relationship was what Lance aspired to. He wanted to marry for love, to be with the person that made his heart sing much in the way his parents had always described their affection for one another.

He loved Keith. Absolutely.

But a part of him worried that maybe he was in love with his ideal of Keith. They weren’t together. Keith was with someone else. There were very few interactions between them that he could really draw on to see if he knew Keith as well as he wanted.

There was so much Keith kept to himself. What if there were things that wouldn’t sit right?

He stepped into the steadily warming water and managed not to snort at the thought. If he could love Keith through everything that had happened so far, there wasn’t much he could find out that would make him love him any less.

Why did everything have to be so complicated?

For the first time in this whole trip, a part of him hated Allura. Hated her furiously. She had Keith and a deep, darkly jealous part of himself thought that he could love him better than she ever could.

She had let his heritage drive a temporary wedge between them, even if they’d resolved it rather quickly. She often treated him rather coldly when he didn’t immediately go along with what she wanted in a situation.

Their relationship didn’t seem very healthy but Lance desperately tried not to judge.

But it was so hard sometimes.

He heaved a sigh and let himself slide deeper into the bath, pushing his worries to the back of his mind.

Enough about Keith.

This was Lance time.

It didn’t take long for the warm water to lull him away from the stress he’d been carrying, his eyes sliding closed as he perched on the built in bench, arms splayed over the tub’s lid.

It was so nice. So warm.

He jolted awake at the hesitant press of cold fingertips to the top of his shoulder, dropping his head back to see Keith very pointedly looking at the ceiling. “Falling asleep in the bathtub is really dangerous, dipstick.”

“Didn’t mean to do that.” Lance hummed, voice still sleep slow and soft, “I’ll be out in a minute.”

“Tellia brought us food. And pajamas apparently. Yours are on the counter.”

Lance grumbled an affirmative, reaching for the towels sitting on the side and climbing to his feet, wrapping one thick span of cloth around his hips. He turned slowly, suppressing a yawn as he stepped out, frowning at the way Keith stared after him, eyes gone wide.

“What?”

“N-Nothing.”

Keith was being weird.

He’d made it all the way to the mirror before his brain caught up with the situation and he barely suppressed the squeak that threatened to leave his throat as he turned back to Keith.

A violently crimson Keith.

“I’ll….I’ll be in the living room?”

Keith scrambled past him and Lance tried desperately to will the ground beneath him to swallow him whole.

He’d just decided to jump up out of his bath while being very naked in front of Keith. No big deal.

Breathing deeply, he turned to the pajamas sitting on the counter and pulled them on, tying the pajama pants tightly to keep them on his hips and deciding to forego the shirt for now.

He never slept with a shirt on.

It was weird.

If he just acted like everything was okay, then maybe Keith wouldn’t freak out either.

Totally foolproof. No issues there.

Except the fact that he was absolutely freaking out.

He’d just, for all intents and purposes, flashed Keith!

God, he was such a fucking creep. Just waltzing around naked. Half asleep and probably not folding his towel all that well either.

Damn it!

Hunk will never let him live it down if he hears about it.

He paced out of the bathroom with a frown, snagging his com from his own pants pocket as he walked by. He’d definitely need to call Hunk soon. If for no other reason than to vent.

Lance would explode it he had to keep all of this stopped up for much longer.

His first steps into the living room were greeted with a startled noise and the distinct noise of choking as Keith smacked at his own chest, dislodging his own problem as Lance rushed over.

“I’m okay! Just…I was just eating too fast.”

“We haven’t really eaten anything all day.” Lance nodded, grabbing a plate and plucking generously at the strange tray of fruits and what looked like sweets, “I don’t blame you. You didn’t wait for me, did you?”

“Of course I did!” Keith huffed, “I didn’t want you to think I’d eaten it all.”

“I don’t think you could eat all this.”

“I definitely could.”

“Your side is deceptive.”

Keith snorted and reached for more of the alien sweets, a sharp grin flung in Lance’s direction. “I can eat enough for several people. Shiro stopped taking me to buffets after the first few times. He was apparently ‘very weirded out’.”

Lance couldn’t help but laugh at the visual, tucking into his own plate with gusto. They continued to throw little comments at one another as they ate but otherwise the whole experience went on in silence, a companionable silence, but a silence nonetheless.

Despite his nap in the bathtub, Lance was exhausted. It had been a long, rough day and all he wanted was to indulge in some sleep. The bones in his jaw popped as he yawned and Keith gave him an equally tired look.

“I’ll take the couch?” He offered, violet eyes drooping closed.

“Nah, mullet. They watch those cameras, remember? We can’t let them think things are on the fritz. That bed is huge. We’ll have more than enough room for both of us.”

“Are you sure?” Keith mumbled, “I don’t mind the couch. Or the floor. I don’t…I don’t want to make this weird.”

“This is already weird.” Lance coaxed, giving in just a little bit to grab Keith’s hand with his own.

Keith’s calloused, pale hand. It felt so small in comparison to his own hand and just fit so perfectly with his own. “Just think of it like a sleepover. It’s no big deal. Just sharing a bed.”

With a tight nod, Keith followed him in and Lance tried not to let it hurt. They were friends. Friends shared a bed all the time. This wouldn’t be anything weird.

He’d shared a bed a few times with Hunk when things had gotten tense. It was nice to have someone there.

Releasing Keith’s hand at the edge of the bed, he flopped over one side, letting out a brief moan of delight at the way it cradled his back so perfectly.

There was no way he was leaving this bed anytime soon. Maybe there was a way he could steal the mattress for his room back in the castle?

It might require some planning.

He let his eyes flutter open to see Keith standing anxiously at the foot of the bed, hands kinda floating as if he was unsure what to do next.

His nervousness was a little adorable but Lance just patted at the far other side, the softness of the bed tempting him closer to sleep with every minute. “Just get in. This mattress is absolutely worth it.”

The last thing he heard was a soft noise of assent and then the bed dipped just slightly, another body worming its way under the covers.

Sleeping without the hum of the Castle was strange and Lance found himself drifting in and out of sleep, addled mind twisting in the softness of his current resting place and gravitating towards the other source of warmth that lingered just out of reach.

About midway through the night, the warmth came to him and he finally settled, the heat curling around his hips and resting heavily against the curve of his throat.

Now he could rest.

After that, he slept deeply only awakening when the first true rays of sunlight filtered through the bed’s gauzy curtains, gently rousing him in a way that he hadn’t experienced since before he left home for the Garrison.

For one incoherent moment, he thought he was at the beach again, the coolness of the early morning slowly being burned away by the hot Cuban sun. The illusion shattered as he sat up and it took him several heavy moments before he could beat his homesickness down.

“Lance?”

He looked up, Keith concerned stare doing more to wake him than the sun’s gentle insistence. “I’m up, I promise.”

“I was just checking. Tellia is here to escort us to the first ceremony.”

“Already?” Lance wheezed, panic abruptly flooding his system.

He thought he’d have more time!

“Lance, its early afternoon. You slept all morning.” Keith said dryly, gesturing to a set of clothes hanging in the closet, “They already brought your outfit.”

Looking between the hangar and Keith, Lance frowned. If their outfits were even reasonably similar, Lance was going to be concerned.

Why did they need to have so much of their back exposed? The outfits themselves were close to the ones they’d worn yesterday but the top part was more fitted, coming up to circle the neck while the vast majority of their backs and their arms were left bare.

Lance wasn’t exactly keen on walking around with his scars left bare for everyone to see.

“We don’t have a lot of time.”

“Just give me a minute.” Lance snapped, immediately feeling guilty at the hurt that flashed across Keith’s face.

“I’ll be in the living room whenever you decide to get with the program.” Keith retorted, the slightest growl evident in his voice.

Great. He’d managed to piss off his “fiancé” right before their first wedding ceremony. A plus, Lance.

He crossed the room as quickly as his sleep heavy limbs would allow and threw himself into getting ready, even taking a moment to try and tame his wild curls. They had already grown longer than he typically kept them so they were starting to get a bit out of hand.

Maybe Pidge would give him a hand with the whole haircut situation after everything had blown over.

As he was trying to think of ways to leave the room without coming off as a total asshole, Tellia knocked primly, her previous cheerful demeanor seeming strained. He came out without too much pomp, the relieved look on her face definitely ringing alarm bells in the back of Lance’s mind.

“Oh good. You are going to participate.” She sighed, “We need to hurry. The two of you took a little too long to get ready. The officiant was getting antsy.”

Maybe this really was a shotgun wedding.

Keith only shrugged when he threw him a questioning glance and offered his hand as the two of them trailed after Tellia, the tiny woman booking it through the palace halls.

He didn’t even think before grasping Keith’s hand, rubbing his thumb across the back before he could stop himself. Lance didn’t look to see Keith’s reaction to his slip up, only focusing on keeping up with Tellia.

She led them through winding corridors, several other inhabitants whispering as they all but ran by. Lance turned his head just in time to see familiar ornamental tunics, a humanoid duo giving them an impertinent wave as they rushed past, an amused sort of pity in their gazes.

Lance almost stopped to go question the mysterious duo, a part of him sure that they were the ones who were supposed to be living this farce but Keith pulled hard on his arm, almost tripping them both as they tried to keep up.

“Stop staring at other people!” Keith snarled, a hostile cast to his eyes.

What was that all about?

“You’re going to make us lose Tellia.” Keith added, looking almost guilty.

That made more sense.

“No need to worry, warrior Leandro, warrior Kitar.” Tellia breathed, relief in her tone, “We have arrived.”

Lance looked up in surprise, mouth going dry at the grand arch that laid before them, several other Libanians gathered around an altar. There were a handful of people seated in front of the arch and others trickled in behind them, whispers buzzing in the air as Tellia walked them forward.

“The devoted thought to sleep late, I see.” An older Libanian man chortled, a thick knotted beard rippling over his chest, the end of it almost hitting the altar before him, “It is no matter. We are honored to perform your ceremony.”

As they walked forward Lance swallowed harshly, his throat feeling like he’d guzzled a gallon of sand.

This was really happening.

He chanced a peek at Keith’s face, a stern determination in the cast of his brows as he marched forward resolutely. It was the kind of face he’d expect to see on Keith as he barreled down the aisle towards whoever was lucky enough to marry him.

It relaxed him more than he thought it would.

They took the steps leading up to the altar in unison, the expectant stares digging into Lance’s back as they stood in front of the officiant. “Face each other and clasp your hands over the basin.”

They turned and Lance gave Keith a small smile as he took his other hand, their fingers interlocking over the stone sink nestled in the center of the altar.

“Beloved people of the palace of Libanis, today we gather in great joy to celebrate the devotion of two decorated warriors. These warriors, through many trials and the tribulations of war, have found their peace and understanding in one another and asked that we perform their ceremony of binding in triplicate. On this day, we celebrate the binding of the body.”

This really was happening. He felt like he was going to throw up. Lance could feel panic crawling up the back of his throat, knees trembling as he plastered a smile on his face.

A hand squeezed his and he met Keith’s eyes, a similar nervousness there even as he stared ahead, determination clear in his face. “It’s okay.” He mouthed, a small smile wobbling on his lips.

He wasn’t alone here. They were in this together.

They could do this.

He took a deep breath and let his smile relax, squeezing Keith’s hand back in thanks.

“If there are no objections, we will continue on to the vows.”

Silence reigned for a moment and a wide smile crossed the officiant’s face.

“Let’s begin. Warrior bzzzt, do you take this man to be your husband?”

Lance frowned for a moment as his translator fritzed, eyebrows furrowing as he stared at the officiant. “I do?”

“Excellent, Warrior bzzt¸ do you take this man to be your husband?”

An equally perturbed look crossed Keith’s face and he cleared his throat for a moment before echoing Lance’s questioning statement.

Why had their communicators fritzed on the names? Leandro and Kitar had translated fine before. Maybe the transmitters they’d been carrying had jammed them up? Pidge’s technology had goofed with translators before. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time.

“If you would repeat after me, Blue one.”

“You cannot possess me for I belong to myself.”

“But while we both wish it, I give you that which is mine to give. “

“You cannot command me, for I am a free person.”

“But I shall serve you in those ways you require,”

“And the honeycomb will taste sweeter coming from my hand.” 

“I pledge to you that yours will be the name I cry aloud in the night,” 

“And the eyes into which I smile in the morning.”

“I pledge to you the first bite of my meat and the first drink from my cup.” 

“I pledge to you my living and my dying, each equally in your care.”

 “I shall be a shield for your back and you for mine.” 

“I shall not slander you, nor you me.” 

“I shall honor you above all others, and when we quarrel we shall do so in  Private and tell no strangers our grievances.” 

“This is my wedding vow to you This is the marriage of equals.”

Lance’s voice shook as he repeated the vow, willing the moisture away from his eyes. The words were lyrical and beautiful, a series of promises that he couldn’t see himself breaking.

Especially not with the man in front of him.

Damn him, but he meant every word that left his mouth.

It was difficult not to break down when Keith’s turn came around but he managed, keeping eye contact with Keith’s intense violet gaze the entire time even as his heart was breaking.

This wasn’t real. He didn’t mean the words.

No matter how badly Lance wanted him to.

The crowd oohed and ahhed appropriately after the vows, a few older Libanian women tearing up in the front rows as they watched. It tore at Lance’s already tattered heart. He’d wanted to get married where his family could be there to support him.

Where his Mama could cry loudly about her baby growing up and his Papa would pretend that his eyes weren’t swimming with just as many tears. He wanted a ceremony with Hunk at his back and his brother beside him, his tiny little niece dancing down the aisle with a basket of fragrant petals.

It was almost too much for him to bear.

He squeezed at Keith’s hands as hard as he could manage, taking solace in the way Keith squeezed back, a dim understanding in downturned violet.

The officiant droned on for a moment more, producing a bright purple stretch of cloth that he used to wind around their intertwined hands. “With that we have bound the two of you in body. To complete the ceremony in the way of your people, we shall have the exchange of symbols.”

An amused panic rushed through Lance and he almost laughed aloud. He didn’t get a ring.

What symbols were they supposed to exchange?

“As is the tradition for your people, we have prepared the symbols and their transferal device. Thanks to our technological advances, it will take far less time.”

A cold circle touched down on Lance’s back, right in the center of the exposed skin. There was a hum of machinery for only a moment before pain spiked through him, a yelp locked behind his teeth at the same time that Keith’s grasp turned crushing.

Just as quickly as it came, the pain began to fade and he watched as one of the Libanians took the machine away from Keith’s back at the same time as the cold circle left his own. He could feel the telltale trickle of blood from whatever they’d done and he tried not to snarl at the grinning officiant.

“By the power vested in me by Libanis and the Intergalactic Council of the Galra Empire, I pronounce the two of you wed in body!”

The cheer that went up threatened to deafen him and he could barely concentrate on the events that followed. There was a line of people who wanted to shake their bound hands, congratulations going in one ear and out the other as he tried to focus on the anchor that was Keith’s hands in his own.

It didn’t take long before Tellia was hustling them back across the palace, a knowing look on her face as she ushered them into their room. “Have a good night, you two. And just for your safety, try to keep your own bodily celebration inside your suite, yeah?”

Lance couldn’t help but flush at her insinuation, still shell shocked by the whole ceremony. “What the fuck just happened?”

Keith let out a bark of somewhat hysterical laughter, bringing their bound hands to his mouth so he could tear the knot out with his teeth. “I don’t know. We got married?”

“I know that part, mullet.”

“I think there was a vow where you wouldn’t slander me.”

“You know what your hair is.”

“Rude.”

The tension between them snapped in a rush and Lance plopped down on the couch grimacing as he could feel blood sticking to the fabric behind him. “What did they do to us?”

“I think we got tattoos.” Keith grumbled trying to crane his head around to see what had been punched into his skin.

“My Mama is gonna kill me.”

A snort left Keith at that and he threw up his hands in defeat. “I’m going to go throw this stupid outfit over the balcony and try to clean up whatever the hell they did. We should try for another transmitter when I get back.”

Lance nodded absently, looking up as Keith turned, a pit of ice dropping in his stomach as he made out the symbol that blazed from Keith’s skin, the blue stark against the ivory of Keith’s back.

That was the Blue Paladin’s symbol.

~~~~

“Tellia, you were supposed to keep the Paladins occupied!” Nazeer snarled, long beard tucked into his belt as he paced, “We only have a few days until Lady Haggar will arrive for the ‘quintessence binding’ ceremony and deal with them. You only have to detain them until then. Care to explain how they already managed to make it into one of the security rooms?”

“I am sorry, sir.” Tellia growled, “But you also told me not to let the Paladins become too suspicious of me. The Blue One is far more perceptive than our reports indicated.”

“Our reports indicated that they would be simple to dupe and they were correct!” Nazeer said sharply, looming over the tiny guide, “If you cannot keep up with your duties, I will have you replaced.”

“Yes, sir.”

“And put more guards around the real Leandro and Kitar. I don’t trust them.”

“Right away, sir.”

Happy Birthday to me!

[coldalbion]

Weight of Judgement

When you choose not to vote,  or act, because you don’t want to “condone” the so-called lesser of two evils, you must realize that you are asking other people to potentially shoulder burdens which may be injurious and/or life threatening in order that you keep your so-called ‘principles’. You are asking minorities and vulnerable people to take up the burden that is yours, as well as their own  and that is being even more complicit in oppression than you are already.

Just because you didn't want to feel complicit in a system which murders and kills, whichever way it goes? None of us are clean. Far bloody from it. The question we must all ask: What good did your choice make, in the world? Did it do anything except mean you could keep your principles? We are all part of an horrific system. Every day we don't try to change things, for the better, is being even more complicit in the system of oppression in which we are all participating. Your moral judgement has weight which is borne by others. They are paying for your choice. If you had voted or acted, even by placing your inaction in an effective context, you might have changed things. For better, or for worse. But feeling good about yourself because you didn't act, while others have to deal with the consequences? That's not shouldering the burden, engaging in solidarity with the oppressed and using one's privilege to raise folk up. That's not taking responsibility. It's ivory tower intellectualism. It's privilege made manifest, And it extends beyond Trump/Clinton into the whole worldview - the idea that the feelings of the one always outweigh the needs of the larger many - which is classic individualistic neoliberal late-stage capitalism ideology.

I respect the fact that it is a matter of conscience and belief for many. I have a lot of respect for those who have principles and stick to them - despite how things may be read. There are however, people who bear the burden and consequences of you not voting or acting;  the negative consequences of the current US administration are borne disproportionately by minorities and the vulnerable, are they not? What I cannot understand is those who state that they had 'no regrets'. If I had done as them, I would have had regrets, just as I have regrets every time I vote, or make a choice which indirectly makes me more complicit in systems of oppression (which is most of them). The system we are all embedded in is dirty and oppressive as hell. 99% of all actions we take contribute to that - but some less than others. Navigating our way to, and enacting these choices which are less oppressive, and thus lead to even less oppressive and downright liberating choices seems to be the way to go, My regrets serve to remind me never to rest on my laurels - to acknowledge that I as a member of a vulnerable minority, am capable also of acts that contribute to the oppression of others. I am not clean. I'm not ideologically pure, and the implication that it is possible to be ideologically pure, or pure in any way, where pure is also synonymous with superior leads to dangerous, toxic, and highly oppressive modes of thoughts and actions. Acts of conscience, even those of inaction, transfer responsibilities onto others. Each Conscientious Objector transfers the responsibility of their fighting onto others, but many assume the burden and responsibility of dangerous non-combat roles, or train themselves in necessary and life-saving skills. They devote themselves to the Many - by their actions they live their principles, no longer being mere ideology and taking responsible action. It is not about them, no longer about beliefs or intellectual ideals, or scoring points, but about bringing change into the world.

About Service. I understand it is hard to see yourself as an Oppressor, as an agent of the Archons, an unthinking maintenance person for the Kyriarchy, but this is so. Taking responsibility for, and working to root out that impulse, day by day - that is the way we begin to crawl towards Liberty,  

[what-marsha-eats]

THE POETRY OF PEPPERONI ROLLS

BY COURTNEY BALESTIER 

Photo from PBS’ “Somewhere South” episode “American As (Hand) Pie.” Chef and host Vivian Howard is on the left and author Courtney Balestier is on the right.

I need to tell you about pepperoni rolls. But I understand that, as a native West Virginian, I probably have enthusiasm for this dish disproportionate to your knowledge of it, so first I need to explain. 

A classic pepperoni roll, one from a place like Home Industry Bakery in Clarksburg, West Virginia, can help us  understand the Platonic ideal of the form: yeast bread dough (my grandmother used the same recipe that she used to bake her bread buns) stuffed with satisfying fistfuls of sliced pepperoni or small batons of stick pepperoni and baked. I should also be clear, though, not just about what we’re talking about, but about how we’re talking about it. 

There are words we use when we want to minimize things. We may call something simple or DIY, makeshift or humble or modest. But perhaps the word that minimizes the most, the maximal minimizer, is just. We might say “I just have a question,” or, “She’s just a stay-at-home mom,” or, “It was just a kiss.” And it was the just that was on my mind when I was thinking about this piece. Because, for all of the thinking and writing and reading and talking that I’ve done about Appalachian foodways and about this food in particular, I kept thinking about this eighteen-year-old woman I interviewed once at West Virginia University. When I asked her about this dish—something, now, that’s baked in kitchens all over West Virginia, that’s sold in cellophane-wrapped six packs in gas stations and grocery stores and dished out at little league fields—when I asked her why we care so much, her answer, basically, was that she didn’t. 

“It’s just bread, pepperoni, and cheese,” she said. Now, there is the small matter of her being right. It is just bread and pepperoni. (The cheese is contested; I’m anti, but this is a decision everyone needs to make for herself.) It wasn’t a matter of facts, the bone I had to pick with this young lady, but of interpretation. When it comes to the pepperoni roll, as with so much of the food we talk about in Appalachia, the just is the point.

The accepted origin story of the pepperoni roll begins in the 1920s with an Italian immigrant named Giuseppe Argiro in Fairmont, West Virginia. There are actually a lot of Italians (or, as they might say, I-talians) in West Virginia—so many, in fact, that for a time Italy ran a consulate office in the northern part of the state. Like so many of his countrymen, Giussepe had come to West Virginia to work in the mines. He was no longer a miner when he invented the pepperoni roll, but the problem that he was solving was a miner’s problem: the need for a hearty lunch that could sustain a man underground but that he could eat one-handed—a working lunch. Pepperoni and bread was already a popular lunch with Italian miners, and Giuseppe put them together. The pepperoni roll caught on, it grew, it became, as the kids say, a thing, and we still have it today. We have, in West Virginia, declared it our official state food. 

I continue to find this series of events amazing. Yes, the pepperoni roll is simple, but in the way that an egg looks simple or that a circle looks simple. The pepperoni roll, really, is a poem: self-contained, complete, economical in every sense of the word. And that such a simple food, such bare bones, stone soup, quick-fix food, still thrives today—in restaurants and cook-offs and home kitchens—is extraordinary. Because we glorify a lot of things in American culture, things worthy and unworthy of that attention, but we do not tend to glorify the poor, and we do not tend to glorify the working class. These are concepts very much tied, through reality and rhetoric, to Appalachia, but in general, we Americans do not tend to lavish respect on those who make something out of nothing or on the satisfying meal they’ve managed to stretch from limited ingredients. If we do, it’s usually because we figured out a way to make that meal fancier and get Millennials and food journalists (guilty on both counts) to pay for it. The American dream is about aspiration; it is not about making do. But our man Giuseppe, and the men he was cooking for, they’re about both. 

Those people all wanted better lives, they wanted good jobs, they wanted to provide for their families, but to achieve all that, they needed lunch. And so Giuseppe, he just figured out how to give it to them. 

And now we talk about it. We debate the merits of stick pepperoni versus slice. (Stick.) We talk about Italian bread, French bread, hot pepper cheese, provolone cheese, no cheese. (I’ve made my feelings clear.) We have, in West Virginia, an entire food economy built around it. My personal favorite actor in this economy, long since gone, was Ray’s Bakery, a small storefront near my childhood home. In the summer, on the way to the nerd summer camp that I went to for kids who just wanted to keep reading books, my mom would take me to Ray’s, and I would get a donut for breakfast and a pepperoni roll for lunch. We worship this odd food in West Virginia, twinned as it is to our very existence. 

There’s one more story I want to tell you. It’s about a gas station chain, called Sheetz, that operates in West Virginia, Virginia, Pennsylvania and Maryland. Sheetz sells a lot of pepperoni rolls in West Virginia, which it used to source locally from different bakeries around the state. Then, a couple years back, Sheetz decided to just switch to one central bakery—which, as it happened, was located in North Carolina. People flipped out. They took to Facebook with their anger. The local news covered it. The outcry was so instant and so full-throated that Sheetz actually backed off. It did pick a single supplier, but it was a West Virginian bakery, Home Industry. But my definition of success was not this outcome, great though it was, but a comment left on Sheetz’ Facebook page: You are taking our cultural heritage, making an inauthentic version, and selling it back to us. This is unacceptable. 

I thought about this statement a lot. Eventually, it detached itself from food and clung, in my mind, to the word extraction. I thought about all the things that word means in the place I’m from, about all the ways it can and has taken form there. About what extracting this food—just about the only truly unique, idiosyncratic West Virginian food—and reproducing it to West Virginians from the outside, what that can represent to people. What it represented to me. 

And then, this simple food became a symbol of something much bigger, especially, for me, at this moment in the region’s history and in my history with it. It became a thing that we were ready to stand up for, to fight for. It became something that acknowledged our heritage—without extraction, no pepperoni roll—but that also demanded the right to our own agency in telling that story. It demanded authorship over the chapters of the story yet to be written. It is, perhaps, a lot of pressure to put on a piece of bread, but I choose to believe it can support the weight. 

Of course, you probably didn’t hear about any of this. The pepperoni roll, it doesn’t really travel. Most people outside the state don’t know about it. Someone from my hometown married a woman from Memphis who volunteered to make these pepperoni rolls he kept talking about: She bought a huge stick of pepperoni, wrapped it in bread dough and baked what I imagine is the densest pepperoni roll ever pulled from an oven. People have apparently left the state and opened pepperoni roll bakeries elsewhere, but they’ve tanked. It doesn’t translate. 

And on this point, I do have to hand it to the young lady who started us off, Ms. Just Bread, Pepperoni and (maybe) Cheese. Because part of the reason is that the pepperoni roll is too “just.” It is so simple that it’s actually a bit confusing. Anyone who hasn’t grown up with it would surely wonder, Well, why can’t I get a sandwich? Why can’t I get a slice of pizza? Isn’t this just a lesser version of both of those things? And, in a sense, that person would have a point. I would struggle to explain it to her, this indivisible kernel that is always is at the core of our relationship with food. 

 I am a West Virginian, but, by fluke of geography and lineage, I am the only West Virginian in my family. My family comes from Appalachia—my grandmother grew up in a coal camp in southwestern Pennsylvania—but I did not grow up in its vernacular of greasy beans and leather britches and cornbread. Which means that, sometimes, I feel as if I snuck into this idea of Appalachia through an open window. But the pepperoni roll. My grandmother made them for me, my mother bought them for me. They’re mine. 

How does a piece of bread and a stick of meat communicate that message? I have a lot of love for food’s ability for metaphor, but they can’t. The whole is greater than the sum of the parts. Anyone who does not have the same history of a West Virginian—that same spiritual topography that informs a decision as ridiculous and as vital as a food that we grow up eating and then choose to keep eating—would ultimately come to a place, like a secret door, that they don’t even know to understand. What worried me about that young woman at WVU was the fear that we didn’t even understand, that we didn’t respect it. But those words, this is unacceptable. Yes, we do. And honestly, when I was eighteen, I didn’t care, either.