#so i'll probably write it boohoo

[chatterbox-juice]

yo i made a different blog to make it more organized i'll post some of my old shit there but yeah it'll be more [insert synonym for organized here]. i'll also talk more about my OCs, concepts, diff rewrites, etc. @unauthorized-author yeah i decided to make a new one bc the aj rewrite has expanded A LOT since i learned about AJPW being an alt universe or something like that. it's basically become a reconstruction from the ground up for not only worldbuilding but to make the lore make more sense (to me lmfao) also bc the constraints of sticking inside canon lore while revamping it makes me want to throw my head into a wall cause it's kinda convoluted and there's a lot of cool shit i could do if i just inch outside of that line (i ran a marathon outside of it) but yeah

[nisuna]

I fucking love the fact that you write down my ideas so quickly. you have become my favorite.

and so, for a very long time I thought that Itadori had an older half-sister who always took care of him. Even when she learned that Yuji had become a vessel for Sukuna, the older half-sister did not leave her brother. And that's why she feels weird when Sukuna, who has her brother's body, fucks her on the couch. Of course, she couldn't resist the King of Curses himself. But she is very worried about the fact that this is her younger brother's body

Omg hiiiii♡ thank you so much that's so sweet of you 😭 I'm trying to keep up, but I've gotten a lot more submissions that I expected 0.o Would you like me to call you something or anyone for that matter? Something like (emoji)-anon if you're comfortable enough with me knowing that it's you ^^ Let me know if anyone would like that!

But either way, thank you for another take!!<3

~short drabble~

TW: this one's kinda dark as I'm currently malding, screaming, crying, throwing up over the new episode 🥲; angst with smut, kind of dubcon, forced sex, mating press, a lot if talking and hating, my heart hurts, this probably wasn't what you had in mind I'm sorry 😭

"Lets make a binding vow. If you let me fuck you I'll leave your brother alone whenever you're around, deal?"

Is he joking? What kind of deal is that? You cursed yourself that you were even considering it, but being able to linder your brothers pain even just a little was worth it for you

"Deal...but doesn't he see everything like you do when he's on the inside? I don't want him to know about any of this."

"Don't worry I put the brat to sleep and if he does wake up I'll erase his memory. He'll never know any of this happened."

"Not tricks alright? I want that included in the vow."

He clicked his tongue at your comment nodding his head with a sigh. "Sure sure whatever you want sweetheart. Now get rid of those clothes let's not waste any more time. You wouldn't want him to take over while you're stuffed full of cock now would you." At that you swallowed your remaining pride and gave him the okay by pulling your top over your head.

"Now we're talkin'."

You shouldn't be enjoying yourself right now, you really shouldn't. But how could you not if his fat cock was splitting you open so deliciously.

"Shit you're dripping. Best pussy I've had in years. You like it too, huh? Like my fat cock up your pussy? 'gonna make me cum if you keep clenching 'round like that."

"Ooooh will the mighty Sukuna-sama, King of Curses cum like a virgin boy within a few thrusts boohoo", you mocked which only earned you another hard thrust of his hips.

"Cool it. Or I won't play nice anymore. Might even wake the brat up to see his sister like that."

"You wouldn't! What about the vow?, you moaned at his harsh words and mean thrusts.

"The vow starts after the fucking, so you better watch it, got it?"

With that you pressed your lips together nodding your head. "Got it..."

Satisfied he grinned while putting your legs over his broad shoulders folding you in half.

"Now that's a good girl"

"Whatever."

At least he made it worth your while. He made you cum harder than anyone ever had. And more times than you could count. Your head was mush at the point he bottomed out and filled you up.

"Was nice workin' with ya, see you never, Sweetheart." he mused being kind enough to put Yuji's clothes back on.

As Sukuna left Yuji's conscience you were quick to put your clothes back in place. Catching him because he almost toppled over from exhaustion. He faintly heard you calling his name but as soon he saw your dishevelled self, pink cheeks and messy hair, his eyes shot open.

"Oh no. He was out wasn't he. Nee-chan what did he do? Tell me what he did, if he hurt I'm going to kill him. I'm going to fucking-."

"No he didn't do anything, don't worry everything's fine. I'm fine. We just.. talked. He will leave you alone as long as you're with me. You're safe with me now. He won't bother you anymore. From now on I won't ever leave your side. We'll stay together forever.", you smiled at him trying your best subdue the tears that were threatening to spill. You opted for hugging him tightly, patting his head softly. Yuji opened his lips to say something, but he swallowed his words and hugged you back just as tight instead. "Okay, I trust you. You would never lie to me right, Nee-chan?" You felt your heart drop at his words but hummed in agreement nonetheless. "Never."

You were a good sister and you loved your brother more than anything. And that is why you will be taking this secret to the grave.

-----

Feel free to send me your Hot Takes as well ^^

[watch-out-it-bites]

I want to write a long paragraph but I dont know if I can. Have this.

I am both terrified and find it incredibly endearing to be watched. Being watched, being known, it means I exist. Someone sees my words and thought about them for a moment. Someone witnessed Me or We or Us or Whatever. Being taken note of, being noticed, having people remember things about you that you'd forgotten. It's very nice! But it's terrifying. They know more about you than you know of them, they can piece together pieces of you - but not perfectly. Never fully right. They take note of you and you have a purpose Sort of ? You have Things you Need to do. You have meaning and it's scary! That might be just how I view it but. My view is most important here. Especially since nothing else will exist for a minute or so after this.

I'm scared of being watched because someone knows things about me I'm ashamed of that I want to bury in the past that were so recent yet I've already moved on or I'm dragging it with me [Like A Corpse].

But then I love being watched. I like people seeing me. I like taking note of those who've seen me and assuming or fearing over what they might think

I love watching. I don't know how to explain that one too well. It's nice to know things about people - To be able to connect things together and stuff. To notice the patterns and the meanings behind little things over time. I really love all of it. Sadly, obsession is very easy to fall into for me. Boohoo....

Being watched is something I mostly fear. I have reasons. I'll probably just use the tags to explain the more personal stuff regarding it.

I'm sleepy and this rant is m. Very much repeating. I don't care. My vent blog, you followed.

[cheollipop]

ask game!!

🎀🕯️💌

(also hi hello I love your works so much <33)

hii orion!! tysm omg 🥹 I'm starting to read through yours and I love them sm too~~ 💕

🎀give yourself a compliment about your own writing

I already did this but ig I'll do more 😼 mmm... I think I'm consistent with my characterisation for the most part, specifically for san since I have a set character in mind for him

🕯️was there a fic that was really hard on you to write, or took you to a place you didn't think it would take you?

I think my hongjoong fic definitely took me by surprise! I thought it would be very difficult to write since I've never written for him before, but all the sappy love talk sprouted out of nowhere and boom :"" as for difficult.... probably my wooyoung fics (except wet), fsr I really struggle with writing him (but I love it sm).

💌share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited!

ahhhh I was gonna post a teaser about it yesterday but I'm actually not sure when I'll be starting it (uni boohoo), buuuttt... I had an anon send me an ask about jeonghan ages ago, so I'm gonna be working on that very soon! my first svt smut, and it's looking super toxic 😼

》》 send me a question!!

[love-strike]

Help I love the idea of him being mean, but actually I'll probably cry if he is 😭 continuing from anon's idea of him being nice to everyone but a little mean to you but what if one day he says something particularly harsh and you burst into tears and he feels guilty and it's really shocked please 🥺

(THE WAY MY BRAIN SPIRALS ME INTO DELULU THOUGHTS I'M-DHDJDJ I wish I knew how to write)

WAHHHH and he would feel so bad he would bring you coffee the next class to apologize ;-; oh I feel soft now boohoo

maybe after then he develops a crush on u and starts being overly nice and helpful hehe 💗

[space-blue]

Really disliking this TBH.

Going to be real clear here: fanfic isn't a business. It doesn't pay my groceries EVER. Also if I were like Harry Styles, I would wipe my tears over low engagement with wads of dollar bills. Boohoo.

Fanfic is written for readers, not consumers. We're writing stories, not content. We are fans, not self-marketting gurus.

Reader interaction is the CURRENCY I wish to be paid with.

If I'm not going to get my due because everyone wants to read my shit but nobody wants to talk to me about it, then FINE, I will also drop my account and go write into the silence, except then I'll send the result to a publishing house and cry into my empty fists when they reject me, but that way if I get lucky Y'all actually will pay real life money to read my stuff and I'll buy groceries from writing at last.

Fandom is supposed to be an ecosystem. If you're seeing it crumbling, it's probably because a part of it is caving. And let me tell you, writers come in with stuff already done. Same as artist. The work has already been put in. Then they get disappointed, feel ignored or used, then they leave. Once they post a story they've done their role, and spent hours or days or weeks, fuck some spend months working on their project.

Interacting with it silently is just readers failing to be good *fans*. Sue me or block me for thinking this, IDC. We're in this together and by the time you finish a fic, the author has done their part and now it's your turn to bloody do yours!!

I'm following this super cute fic atm and it has 3 chapters, 29 kudos, and I AM THE ONLY PERSON WHO EVER COMMENTED ON IT..!!! Ashamed for the 28 other people! Poor author was so obviously relieved by my comment it made me upset!

People go around saying 'writers don't owe us fic and readers don't owe them comments' and I disagree. I think you do. If you're gonna read that fic and love it you actually owe a kudo and a comment. It's your role in the ecosystem. It's the oil that keeps the wheels turning.

When people say "I read fic to decompress and I'm too tired to comment" it makes me want to scream. I come home tired from work and I spend my decompression hours writing fic for you and you're too tired to type "Thank you for writing this" in the box at the end? Wish I could block you from interacting with my stuff so you couldn't ever give me another silent hit.

I’ve seen five different authors take down, or prepare to take down, their posted works on Ao3 this week.  At the same time, I’ve seen several people wishing there was more new content to read.  I’ve also seen countless posts by authors begging for people to leave comments and kudos. 

People tell me I am a big name fan in my chosen fandom.  I don’t quite get that but for the purposes of this post, let’s roll with it.  On my latest one shot, less than 18% of the people who read it bothered to hit the kudos button.  Sure, okay, maybe that one sort of sucked.  Let’s look at the one shot posted before that - less than 16% left kudos.  Before that - 10%, and then 16%.  I’m not even going to get into the comments.  Let’s just say the numbers drop a lot.  I’m just looking at one shots here so we don’t have to worry about multiple hits from multiple chapters, people reading previous chapters over, etc.  And if I am a BNF, that means other people are getting significantly less kudos and comments.

Fandom is withering away because it feels like people don’t care about the works that are posted.  Why should I go to the trouble of posting my stories if no one reads them, and of the people who do read them, less than a fifth like them?  Even if you are not a huge fan of the story, if it kept your attention long enough for you to get to the bottom, go ahead and mash that kudos button.  It’s a drop of encouragement in a big desert. 

TL;DR: Passively devouring content is killing fandom.

[queengarbage]

feeling really angry about life today and i just need to rant a little

it sounds so silly to be like "tearing my acl significantly changed my life and not for the better" but like this injury fucking sucks and i hate it and i hate my life right now. and yeah, i'll recover and things will get better. but like. not for a fucking year. i can't even fucking walk right now. all the muscles in my left leg have just vanished to the point where i can't even lift my foot off the ground without assistance. and i'm just so tired and i'm only at the beginning of this journey.

sports and working out have been such a huge part of my life for my entire life and to have something that is both an outlet for frustration/hard feelings and also a huge source of joy just yanked away from me without warning has been really fucking hard to deal with. and like boohoo i can't go kick a ball around with my friends people are dying kim but like. i feel trapped in my body, my life severely limited by my lack of mobility. i do not feel like myself. i'm angry. i'm constantly crying. i'm not even in pain anymore, it's just that i physically cannot do anything!!!!! and i've just never been in this position before and i'm not handling it well.

it's been almost 3 months since i got injured and almost 2 weeks since i had the surgery and i feel like i'm being robbed of that time, as well as the year of recovery ahead of me. my partner and i keep referring to this summer as a "sacrificial summer" (because he's getting ready to apply to post-docs/finish his phd, and because i literally can't walk, so neither of us ever leave the apartment). and it's kind of like "yeah okay we just gotta get through this period and things will get better." and yeah maybe they will, but they won't be the same as they were before.

my sister tore her acl her junior year of college when she was playing soccer. she trained really hard to come back for her senior season, and a week after she started practicing again, she tore her other acl. after that, she took a few years off (because who wouldn't). she started playing again this past year. and then she tore her acl for a third time. my dad has also torn his acl playing football. this injury haunts my family, and even when i get cleared to return to sport, who knows if i'll be brave enough to come back?

i hate so much that i will never be able to step on a field with confidence in my body again. my athleticism has always been a huge source of pride and confidence, it was something that i put a lot of time and effort into, and i don't know if i'll ever feel that way again. i am very grateful that i'm still able to do a lot of other things not related to physicality (i can still write, i can still work, i can still pursue my intellectual hobbies/interests), but there is a particular thrill of satisfaction that comes from physical achievement, and i'm just really sad that i'm cut off from that for the forseeable future, and that even when i return, it will probably feel different.

i just want things to be normal again. and they're just straight up never going to be, not like they were. i'll find a new normal, and i'll adjust, and i know this time will pass. but right now i'm smack in the middle of it and i'm just so deeply, deeply unhappy, and i just needed to let that out.

[cheskaxoxo]

Unfortunately, it wasn't this time

You've probably noticed that I haven't posted anything in a while, I was too focused on writing and other things that I forgot about the blog.

I didn't pass the writing contest but that's okay, there will be others in my life. I have to be positive, you know?

But, I did other things!!

For those who don't know, I'm in a small theater and singing company(I'm a theater kid), and I did my first solo a month ago. I'll leave the link here for anyone who wants to see it.

I also play handball at my school, unfortunately we didn't make it to the semi-finals because an idiot group insisted that they had drawn (note: they had accepted defeat but came back with a video 30 minutes later saying it was a draw, biggest lie in the world lol). So we went to penalties and they won (boohoo)

Anyway, life is good for me. I managed to make a timeline and decided what my publication order will be (I'm thinking about publishing on Wattpad, Ao3 or Spirit)

Xoxo, Cheska!!

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Friday, February 23rd, 2024!

7:55am: I slept for so long and woke up with no alarms this morning :) feels amazing. Still had a huge orange chunk come out of my nose but it's less than before, I just don't know when it will stop lol (I literally had to get up while writing this and do another one). Last night I had to go to sleep unexpectedly early bc I had a milkshake and it made me so bloated omg. I think I'm officially at that age where I really can't just be eating anything 😂 of course I can bc I'm an independent woman 💅 but not without The Consequences. Also I just popped my BC in and I'm ready for my period to stop and also for the stomach issues to stop omg it's been rough out here. It really feels like spring break should be today, but the pros to it being next week are that it's one week closer to the end, I won't be on my period at all, and hopefully it will be warmer!! I'm tired of this cold ass weather!!

I feel good today besides the random brain thoughts that I don't particularly want. I need to figure out how to replace those thoughts with ones I do what. This journaling, as much ranting as it is, definitely helps me I guess regulate my runaway thoughts. I really want to take a post poop nap though those are the best so ttyl lmao.

10:47am: omg I continued to sleep until 9:50am I don't know how to explain to people how much sleep I really feel like I need. Idk it's probably depression but that's literally ok I'm just doing what I can. I still miss him and that's ok too. I don't really miss him I literally miss just having someone to talk to. But he fucked up and it's his loss, not mine. He lost a genuine person, and I lost a liar who cheats and steals money and nothing he does is genuine, it's all fake to get people to like him so he can use their shit for all it's worth. What's crazy is he's so fake he doesn't even care about these cats after he kept saying he misses them oh boohoo me it's like losing two kids, then blocks me so he'll effectively never fucking see them again. He's literally so fake AF. I take pride knowing I'm not a fake ass bitch and I don't lie to people. Doesn't matter if people believe me or not because I know I'm not lying about anything. If you think I'm lying, you just have something else going on in your life that you have to deal with clearly. This image of them getting on the bike together I think will stay with me for a while, I guess visuals are really my downfall. I know I'm the bigger person bc I literally said yeah y'all are cute together before he stopped speaking to me and everything was chill. It was chill because I made it chill. I made this entire friendship what it was and I'm really convinced of it now tbh. I don't like him, I like me and how I act towards him 😂 I like nice people, aka myself lmao.

If everyone likes me except for you.... Sorry I don't think I'm the problem boo 😘 just a matter of time before he does some more stupid shit I'm sure I'll hear about 🙄

Happy Friday!!

1:02pm ate my ramen leftovers and my boss is buying me CFA Cobb salad for work later :') people are awesome ❤️

10:09pm: JFC my feet hurt like hell. I wish I had a guy to rub my feet fr but one day lol. I just realized he didn't block me on sc so I could technically add him back whenever, I wonder if he's waiting for me to do that?? Hmmmm he's such a narcissist it's wild, plus the whole posting at me when I'm technically blocked on ig is actually crazy af. I bet $200 if he adds me back on ig that post will magically be gone or the caption would change. He's so petty and acts like a little bitch. Literally can't relate 💀

11:40pm: finished my law assignment and I'm so tired I think I'll eat my salad leftovers and literally pass out. My eyes are literally burning.

I really just be out here gaslighting tf outta myself. I'm sitting here like wowza I wish I had "guy" to vibe w me after getting done with my hw.... But it's been so long it's funny that I forget, that man in particular would NOT want to chill with me after I'm finished with my hw!! Name literally one time when he ever fucking did that?? Literally he never fucking did. I'm so gaslighting myself into thinking we'd be doing anything rn, he would've pissed me off all night and then would probably be asleep rn. There would not be random drive thru trips bc he's on a lame ass diet and won't stfu about it and there wouldn't be cuddling bc he would've pissed me off the entire afternoon sitting on his ass making fucking messes instead of contributing anything ever to the home we share and it would infuriate me!! That's not attractive 🙄 so yeah gaslighting tf out of myself to think that would be happening 🤣 it's been so long I forget how exhausting that bullshit was!! Don't go back sis you literally hated it!! Wack AF and manipulative tbh.

One day, there will be a man, he will rub my feet when I get off work, even better he'll see the insides of my shoes, know that I'm too busy/ADHD to remember to get insoles, and would surprise me with new insoles for my shoes ❤️ that's what care and love looks like. We will have a cute snack and then probably fuck before bed bc we are both grown and not scared of a little period fr, and he would get me a towel and draw up a shower for me afterwards and I'd come back into the clean bedroom with no dirty shit on the floor and get into my made bed and snuggle with the real love of my life who loves and respects me 🥰 manifesting lol 💕

[pensat-i-fet]

What even is boohoo I’ve only seen mediocre influencers post #ad about that brand

I remember jack had the same deal but he upgraded to Gucci 😅

Yeah, but he probably got more money from Boohoo than Gucci. One day, I'll write an essay about how Jack is just basically a glorified influencer for Gucci 😅 even Leah has done more with the brand with the same contract.

But basically, this PR team aims to portray Rúben like that. So it kind of fits. Instead of the exclusive deals like Son's or Rashford's. Pleasing the footballerfits crowd. I sometimes get recommended posts from that account and I read the comments and lose all faith in humanity 🤣🤣🤣🤣

[propheticpanickingnerd]

// TW: SA, Noncon, dubcon mention (not graphic)

Its about the more uncomfortable topics that why i reposted instead of putting this on the original post, ok safe reading.

By all of Dick's exes I fully mean all of his CONSENSUAL DATES (that are mostly gingers and thats why its funny). Again, consensual dates.

Like for example, I dont consider Talia and Jason fucking once after his resurrection a good thing. I dont count it, it didnt fucking happen, I dont like it so I dont count it at all. And while it is just heavily implied and not as obvious as Dick getting SA'd, does not mean I count any form of sex that doesnt have 110% consent as "dating" or "Exes" or "hooked up once" because they didnt. Rape is not hooking up. Nor it is dating.

Now that that's cleared up.

Its real funny to me cause Jason and Dick dont know each other when Jason was Robin. Dick hates Bruce, Bruce gets a new Robin, Dick is pissed, so they dont interact. I mean, I'm sure they talked once, but they dont really know each other. Jason fucking dies. Dick is regretful for not knowing him better, but its not really unbelievable guilt as Bruce has constantly.

So yeah, I fully believe Dick and Jason's brother relationship is a bit more graphic, like sex joke here and there, cause they have mostly the same friend group (in which are all adults). Theres not the brother protectiveness from Dick to Jason because Jason's not the "sweet little brother" he's the "revived angry brother he didnt know that well before but knows now". Like Dick telling Jason abt his new boohoo and Jason making fun of him because I believe Dick is a hopeless romantic.

Thats my interpretation of their relationship.

Its never gonna be as deep and connected and them and any of the others. They could've know each other more, but they didn't. Not to say their relationship isnt good on the field. No, they work wonderfully together (when Batman's not there but yknow), they are the first Robins, they have the acrobat and the brute. Not to say they're not amazing in their other skills, but the unmovable object and the unstoppable force are so different that they work together.

But they're not gonna have a deep brotherly connection. They're both traumatised grown men. It happens.

So yeah, its really funny that Jason gets with all Dick's exes.

Jason at this point probably doesnt even actually hooks up with them, its just like "Wanna fuck with Dick?" and does some shit and snickers abt it with them and Dick finds it stupidly annoying cause he knows Jason's just trying to make him annoyed and it's working. But its funny at least for me.

Anyways yeah that's it, I totally forgot not anyone has "The Gingers™ + friends" on their mind at all times.

I feel like I could make this easier to understand by sketching some funny interactions or writing something. Oh well I'll do it later.

Jason ships have been on my mind so im gonna write shit down

I dont think jason should date anyone specifically, maybe its cause the characterization of jason that i most adore is the "angry pit reaction" which is him not really wanting to do anything particularly, gets triggered, kills tim, regrets it, rinse and repeat. Can it be easily mischaracterized? Yes, of course. Do I care? Not really, cringe is dead and I live for fanfiction. Anyways, Jason shouldnt really date anyone cause the thing I always hate in relationships is when a partner gets angry as a way of coping and just destroys shit and breaks walls, like that's money right there, stop wasting money because of your temper tantrums you overgrown emotionally stunted child. Which is not to make people with that kind of issues feel bad, I'm just like, get your shit together, then date, no one should be forced to "fix" you that isn't the therapist you're paying.

So no, Jason shouldn't date anyone because I like my Jason emotionally constipated and I hate my relationships with emotionally constipated people.

HOWEVER

What I do LOVE, is the joke that Jason dates all of Dick's exes. All of them and more. By "dating" tho i fully means a few weeks at best full of hook ups, you're saying you're dating but you're just being friend and fucking at the same time and you know its not gonna last.

Like, for example, all of Outlaws. That's polyamoury right there!! I love bisexuals. The Ginger trio if you will, except one of them is emo and/or has far too much daddy issues.

I just genuinely enjoy the idea of Jason being like "oh you're done? You stopped dating? Are you over them? Wanna check?" Sends a pic to Dick of him making out with whatever ex he broke up with.

[swanimagines]

Question: if writing for celebrities is so hard and feels uncomfortable, why are you writing for characters played by them? 🤣 They have the same face in case you haven't noticed and you're a hypocrite if you don't write actors who literally play the characters you write about. In addition, I should point out that you're an adult, correct? Adults can and should write smutty pieces. Sexuality is a part of life and you're not a retard so I'm sure you have wet fantasies about those characters you have a crush on.

No wonder no content november is a fail for you, you don't even try hard enough with your blog. You take breaks because boohoo someone made you sad with a valid point. It's time for you to grow up.

Here we go again... this has been sitting in my inbox for 2 days but I wanted to show one reason why us writers are being "lazy" and taking breaks without warning. Asks like this make us feel shitty. Yeah yeah we shouldn't care but we get these in an increasing pace and it starts to be hard to just ignore.

1) I feel like writing for celebrities is disrespectful and breaking their privacy. So I don't read or write those pieces. Some of my friends/mutuals write for celebrities and while I don't exactly like seeing fics of celebrities on my dash, I'm not sending them messages being like "EWWWW WHY YOU WRITE FOR CELEBRITIES, YOU'RE SO DISRESPECTFUL", because it's not my place to say. I block the tags and move on. The actor having the same face as their character doesn't mean they're the same person btw...

Tw: mentions about sexual stuff below

2) Fyi being a mentally disabled person doesn't mean that they don't have sexual desires 😅 Also asexuality is a real thing...

That being said, yeah, I sometimes have wet fantasies about characters I've been crushing on. But that doesn't mean I'm willing to share them in a form of writing nsfw/smut. Maybe it's partly because touching myself feels like nothing and I don't know what sexual pleasure or an orgasm feels like = I wouldn't be able to write it. Also reading smut of those characters from others make me uncomfortable, not aroused (at least I don't think arousement is thinking "oh god that guy is going in now, yikes, this is so awkward") or feeling good in any way so yeah, I'm pretty sure that smut just isn't for me.

3) Yeah I don't try hard enough with my blog. I get some likes and about 1-5 reblogs per fic (if that either), I get very rarely any kind of comments or feedback but I do get anons like you quite frequently (as all writers get you guys in their inboxes super frequently nowadays). I should be grateful for all of this because someone bothers to be rude at me every time I turn a request down or what's worse, asking that people would be respectful towards writers 😱😱😱 OMG that's so childish and overdramatic, I should just shut up and work my ass off day and night.

I'll probably be closing anons later. Right now I'm too tired to search it up because I'm on mobile and it's 2:37am.

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

Hi again

I'm back here way sooner than I expected honestly. I'll start off with uh the week did NOT go to plan whatsoever but I'm trying to not end of the world mode off any and all deviation from my original plan sooo I am mostly okay with that. Ish. For one, I came to my senses and decided against the mini origami as filling. It woulda been cute yeah but she is a massive hoarder when it comes to any sort of sentimental shit so was just imagining her tryna store all 80 trillion of em and I was just like... nah...... lets not. I just told her the truth in the small aggressive take-the-damn-gift note I left. Plus I didn't sit there and try to rush like I thought I would. I actually accidentally did my own thing day one then shit just kept happening and... I boohooed and slept most of the week ngl 💀💀💀

THO one thing that happened that was slightly out of my control was my aunt invite/dragging me out to this event thingy. I believe I told yall I went to pride with her earlier this year and had a good time and apparently I didn't ruin it for them! Tho it's kinda bittersweet cause of a lot just.. family shit I wish I was young enough to stay ignorant to still. It was easy to play dumb growing up but now that I am a lot more emotionally intelligent annnnd now hang around with her alot its putting me in this corner that I have no clue how I'm going to get out of.

Anyway that was not the introduction to something as it probably sounded assss I have not slept in two days and while I am weirdly alert for whatever reason I am sure ASFFF not finna stay up tryna write. I alwayssss do it oml until I feel satistfied I'll go on and on. Basically tho, I was saying the 14th as R's brithday is on the 18th and I wanted to make sure that it'd be nearly guaranteed to be there in time so the plan was sending it 4 days early so it'd more than likely be there the day before and I could just tell her not to open (ah tho.. Im honestly just hype to see her reaction I dont think I'd bother to make her wait). Tho the concoction my aunt had me on... had other plans. I lost another day of my work week on Saturday to go with her and oh my god.. Sunday was out the question too. I wasn't so much gone gone it was just a LOT. I already crying the night before so I took like 900 or so tryna force myself to sleep before only to find out calcium can effect that stuff...? I don't know I could not sleep for the life of me even when I laid there chilling for at least an hour and a half. So no sleep + nearly a gram and most of it still floating around asss I took it not too long before all this + FOR ONCE NOT WATERED DOWN ALCOHOL (ish it was this big ass can of black cherry something) so I actually felt something fr + walking around and lowkey sweating.. + her possessed weed had me like. DONE. DONE DONE. I wanted to go to bed the entiiiiiree time I was there as I was shleepy plus I'm guessing since I don't smoke too often but I have a really hard time processing whats going on when Im off her weed so even with it mostly cooled off by the time I went home I died on the spot. Then I woke up, ate.. then promptly died for another 6.

Sooooo I sent it today. Lowkey in a panic as atp nothing was going to plan and I literally hadn't sent anything in the mail in so long I was scared I'd do it all wrong. I knew I could ask but. I am a ball of anxiety. Didn't even think of it til I was tryna calm down on the way back.

Tho explain to me how even with me getting just plain ass priority mail as the box I had on deck was bootleg and me previously calculating this shit out on the website and having everything seeming fine and dandy.

Only to look at the receipt and see that it's gonna come the day before more than likely

Like.. how on earth.

2 days?? AND I DIDNT HAVE TO PAY EXTRA????

I hope it's right! That'd be so convenient dude now I know whenever I'm sending her shit I only gotta time it for two days before

Annnd I know I still said I owed an explanation for my absence and shit and I am still holding myself accountable on that. Cause I mean.. what's the point in going back on my word on that you know?

This was just a little mini something to make it clear I did not die or anything. Plus the draft I was writing before was so fucking bad. SO bad. I was goneee tryna write while I was crying and the tears made me already shitty spelling so bad.. But the little tangent I went on was kinda sweet honestly. I neveer really get to joke about my grades in school so it was nice that me just talking shit about an old situation got me out my funk for a little. I think you'd be able to tell kinda. Or maybe only I can since I can see specifics on it that others wouldn't notice. I dunno. But yeah 2 stories about my notable bad grades in highschool. Its a more personal one so I would not be offended if this is where you'll stop reading. Just wanted to say I'm alr.

My dumb stories about my grades

I used to be on a robotics team

No.. not battlebots.. 🥲

Twas a FRC robotics team. Which means nothing to anyone outside the community but for people that've done it know all the hassle with that shit. My team was particularly bad with that. I was on a relatively historic team, one of last original teams that were still active, a triple digit team (very rare now as team numbers are given numerically and I think frc has like 8-10k teams now) annnd we had a few duties on top of just building a robot. Was a very involved rookie, mostly there for scholarship opportunities but I made a few friends there that made me stick around and in turn made me pretty reliable.

Which.. ah. I wish I could go back honestly. One of the worst times of my life. It was fun here and there, but for the most part it was just a lot to constantly stress on. First off, one of the only black people on the team and I was one of the few girls ("girls" sob sob) on the team

Im now fluid and while it doesnt bother me that people have and still mostly perceive me as a woman, having my womanhood highlighted for some buzz word shit/girlboss nonsense is a giant pet peeve of mine. One of the main reasons I moved onto fluidness. It's hard to explain honestly. I feel like I am a woman in some aspects but I'd rather it not be acknowledged. The fluidness would be in like how little I want that piece of me acknowledged. Somedays I'm completely chill and you can call me ma'am and use she/her without me even noticing it really. But other days that shit. Stings. I'll go out my way to look more neutral and I hope that even for a second people question what to call me. She/her is still pretty whateverish but fem terms piss me off to an extreme. These days I try to stay Isolated for the most part cause it's so bad I'd be on the verge of tears/in a blind rage over someone simply calling me young lady. I fully acknowledge that part of it ain't cool so I'm trying to better about making preferred terms clear during that stuff and even with that I try to avoid talking so I don't even have the opportunity to be misgendered

But with that all being said... my womanhood being tokenized WITH my blackness?? Hell. Hellllllllll.

I at the time didn't recognize my fluidness but having those non woman days back then and still having to be the bubbly girl rookie for a good I think 20-25ish hours a week was a lot. I was a tryna be the bubbly girl everyone expected me to be while also being shoved into a leadership position because of that previously mentioned tokenization. Which was hard as is. I wish I could go back then and just show my dumbass what I am now. I'm sure I woulda quit on the spot annnd came to my spicy basics style that I am now :)

Ah but slight tangent. Anyway uh that all was going on but I actually had more there going on. Our team was also had a lot of cattiniess and fakeness going on. A longtime family of the team had previous issues with them shoving their kids to the center of attention with EVERYTHINGGG. It was extremely frustrating as they'd want them to be the leader of anything worth a damn. On one hand, made sense. They were very talented and they were experienced in a lot of the shit we were doing. However, it ain't exactly a great look to have the team be essentially these two and everyone else just being the help. Plus, one was a junior and we had a strict rule about no one coming back to be a mentor for at least 2 years after you graduated hs (cause of previous events/drama before my time there, lowkey think it's a massive mistake as most alumni build enough of a life outside of the team in the time to the point that they can't/won't come back 95% of the time) so once he left it'd leave a huge skill gap if we allowed it. That and, I won't lie, the boys were dicks when they got down to business (a weirdly common trait with future engineering/computer science majors for whatever reason). While even in the short time I knew them I could see it mostly being due to their parents treatment of them, it was not a common thing apparently.

I tried to stick up for them where I could and talk and scold them when I could see they were out of line. I'm not usually all that bold but. At that point I was there more than I was home so I got a lot more comfortable airing my opinions there. Welp. Sort of. Me doing that somehow someway turned me into the fucking teams therapist. It was okay at first when I was handling a pair of privileged but well meaning and confused boys and it was all of my own will. But that shit turned into EVERYONE coming to me for shit like that. I've heard damn near everyone's dirty secrets at that point

Shoot. Mentors going through divorce and fantasizing/crushing on other mentors, them same grown ass mentors coming to me to whine and ask about the boys, this one team member with a weird savior complex that led him to whine and throw tantrum after tantrum since he wasn't getting his way, meeting my ex best friend and dealing with her abusive mother and her various now very obvious bpd related relationship issues, met my ex through that and promptly got groomed...

That was on top of the already complicated duties of just being on the damn team anyway. We were there damn near everyday for at least 3 hours at a time, including over 12 hour days on Saturdays. I was being pulled in every direction. Every two seconds I was tending one issue or another. Either dealing with the two faced team that would talk all partnership and fairness at large meetings and gatherings but regularly talk shit about any and everyone on the team, running to the rescue of my ex best friend whether that was wiping her tears because of something her mom said or did or helping her get with whatever dude she was interested in at the time or listening to my ex's whining about whatever he was stressing on which was usually my ex best friend that he played being over but like 2 mo after he fucked me over claimed he was always in love with. Just a lot for a 15-16 y/o to be dealing with. Especially with me going from not having friends close enough to have issues like that to having EVERYONE seeing me as they damn bestie

Which led to me to severely neglect myself. I wasn't showering the way I should, I was constantly picking at my skin (mostly my face ngl) and I started cutting around this time. I was extremely suicidal as well but I knew if I killed myself at that time it'd be a massive inconvenience for everyone since they were all depending on me. I started talking to my ex all night and sleeping every other day to accommodate. I started to completely forget about school entirely.

My grades tanked by my standards. I usually keep mostly high A's with a few B's in classes that were less lenient with my forgetfulness when it came to homework. But I started going from that to mostly b's and a few a's. I was just exhausted. I was ripping and running almost everyday and it wasn't even at its peak

The second semester was a lot more hectic with robotics, we had competitions left and right which started making me behind in a few classes. We at first would just miss a friday here and there but then it started to be Thursdays and fridays. THEN a week for world champs which was AWFUL to catch up from. Most of the teachers did not care that we were dipping and just gave us the work and we were to have it done by like... either the day we came back or a few days after. It varied ofc and i cant remember specifics specifics but i know it wasnt that that lenient.

Plus heightened tensions with the team as it was build/comp season, it was bad. Constant drama. Constant. I couldn't escape it. Shit tankkkkkked my GPA. Even as the comps and shit slowed down it was still so much extra and around this time I was in the "talking stage" with my ex and I was sometimes going days and days not sleeping tryna talk with him, with a quick nap for the like hour and a half I was home before robotics..

I semi fixed it by the end of the year. Mostly anyway. My ex best friend had an incident that landed her in mental institutes a few diff times so I had one less client to worry about for a little while. Once she came back I think me and my ex started dating like 2 weeks before the seniors graduated and left which was like a month before the rest of us got out. All that going on made me semi relax and get my shit together

It was as fixed as it could be lmao. I think I had a single A and all the rest were B's with an exception of economics....

Most teachers just ain't say nothing when I'd set an old assignment somewhere. They'd grade jt and boom. That's that. The teachers that would notice notice I didn't even bother trying and I'd instead do the last few assignments to the best of my ability and make sure I'd ace or damn near ace every test and that month with me dating my ex but not seeing him at school made things a lot easier. I didn't think I really needed to like FIGHT to keep his attention as much so I was sleeping more often. Plus, drama teamwise got a lot better as most of the team graduated and we went back to the non comp season schedule so wayyyyyyy less meetings and shorter ones too. Overall more sleep and less stress so more focus on school

Man.. and side note why the first week I was with my ex my skin damm near completely cleared?? That shit makes me want to kms looking back that is NOT fair 😭

Anyway. Everything got a lot better and having an entire month to pretty much exclusively focus on school was great. It was bout 30ish of the workload so long as I wasn't doing absolutes nothing through the year I could get a decentish grade. Plus, my issue was never that I wasn't understanding or remember what they were teaching. I would wear an earbud and listen to music during class and the switching focus between that helped me remember stuff better as I wasn't daydreaming or thinking as much.

Sooo for most I was all good. The tests were good, sleep was good, some old assignments were put in and all my new ones were pretty much 85-100 everytime, and most tests were a breeze. The assignments definitely helped ofc but for most classes me having consistently great test scores kept me at a mid-high grade anyway so the assignments just leveled shit out.

ECONOMICS HOWEVER. Holy God bruh. THE SHIT WAS ASSSS. The teacher I got was notorious for her horrible teaching, to the point multiple seniors warned me to switch out of her class if I got her. But, my dumbass not understanding how to do that mess, I was too honest on why I wanted to switch classes and got sat down and denied. They told me they couldn't switch me for shit like that and they said she had a whole other teacher with her now so it should be better anyway

Wrong.

Horrible bruh. HORRIBLE. 99% of the tests were just shit from her PowerPoints which was only vaguely related to the textbook. The extra teacher did us a favor and pointed out to focus on the PowerPoints and that helped a TON on tests. I would for the most part get near perfect/perfect scores as I literally didn't even have to attempt to read or anything. It was usually line for line from the PowerPoint

But there was two issues with that model

One: the little workbook/packet we were supposed to be working through with each chapter were mostly textbook based. Which was kinds hard as you were teaching yourself for the most part with that mess as the PowerPoints explained everything completely differently from the textbook and had their own examples. I usually didn't even bother cause I'd either be lost at what I was doing or it'd be some shit like oh make a poem about this or draw this and I'm like what? Fuck that wth

But two is what did it. The seemingly standard of tests being worth more than assignments was the opposite in her class. So I could sit there and clearly show that I was paying attention and I understand the concepts she was teaching and still fail the course since I didn't do the petty activities she'd copy and paste from the textbooks

I tried to argue my point as I literally only got the d because of my nearly perfect test score on the final which SHOULD BE THE IMPORTANT THING as that shows I learned wth I needed to. But a combination of an already stubborn teacher, her weird beef with me that was ongoing that entire semester (didn't believe I was in robotics fr and also got confirmed as a racist a little while into my senior year which made a few more things click as well.. 💀💀💀) and her doubt that I even actually understood the material as if I cheated... when I was usually one of the first done with the damn test just led me to drop it and deal with it

I ended up retaking the class my senior year as our school had a grade replacement policy and a special class I took had me ahead with credits anyway. Oddly enough got the same teacher again which was odd... but got it in the same hour with my youngest sister (that I live with anyway). She didn't get the extra teacher this year as dude quit last year but it didn't end up mattering cause of the pandemic. Waaaaayyy less focus on textbooks period as they ain't wanna figure out how they were gonna deal with sanitizing em so she changed her assignments accordingly. She acted stupid and acted like she didn't remember me... while ofc remembering to mispronounce my name everytime she said it 🙃

It was soo petty lmfao. I didn't even realize she was doing it until my sister corrected her a few different times. The way she was saying it was pretty common so i usually don't bother to correct people if they use that name instead as I've grown so used to it its basically a second name atp. But my sister ofc ain't used to it so she'd correct her everytime she said it. To give her credit, pandemic made it where we were completely online on semester and the next we were in 2 days a week, but at the same point... cmon now. It ain't even that deep 😭

I think like a month into us being back semi in person she called somebody a nigger bruh.. not in our class or anything but nonetheless it happened. I didn't hear too much of the context but it happened in her 4th hour class annnd she babied them the entire year to keep em from getting her fired. Like deadass buying pizza for these mfs, skipping assignments, taking em outside and turning a blind eye to a few seniors dipping when they was out. The whooooole shebang bro. That shit instantly made so much small shit she was doing in my sophomore year make total sense. I shoulda aggravated her and got her exposed earlier bruh....

Now gym???

Dude can kiss my dick bruh man was out here tryna tell my big ass to run mostly 85-100 degree weather when I not only TOOK THAT SHIT IN MIDDLE SCHOOL SPECIFICALLY SO I WPULDNT NEED TO IN HIGH SCHOOL but it ain't count cause of differences in the districts/states requirements but also had that mess as a third hour class, which meant a whole nother hour of sitting there sweaty af in another class until lunch. If I woulda had it as a 4th hour class I woulda been chill on that as lunch meant I wasn't rushing to anywhere and I could prolly whole ass lunch period to wash up if I wanted to.

But 3rd???

Got me fucked bruh

I'm not gon sit there sweaty and gross and only get 15 mins to change and get to a class across the campus (open campus thing.. no hallways just a big ass field with buildings and stairs around for the actual classrooms. Semi makes sense but still the most backwards shit I've ever seen) ANNND sit there still sweaty and half dead in a whole diff class

Semester before I barely got a B cause it started cool down to junk like 60-75 which is wayyyyy more my speed and I could do more without sweating too bad. Tho I was one of the only ones that ain't run. I wouldn't do any more than like.. 20 sec bursts with a looooooong ass recovery time. So warmup running shit was 95% walking for me and the mile ain't even attempt. I got a cool 21 mins on that shir 💀💀💀

The semester after is where it came to a head. By April I abandoned even them few seconds of running as by that point we were LUCKY to get anything under 95 and I was done just being out there. Going from MI's prolly 75-80ish spring/early summr and it not even mattering as we'd be indoor with ac all day to whole fucking sports and shit outside.. hell nah

We FINALLY start coming inside to play instead like 2-3 weeks before we dipped for summer break cause it was consistently 100 degree weather and even mfs that lived in AZ all they lives was going through it. Sooo we did our thing, I still ain't run out of habit ofc ofc but I did semi well at volleyball and badminton so that wasn't too notable. Gave me a bit of a boost so I went from like.. lowish c to a mid c which was cool

Then. Oh my god. Bro. So I got a like. Prolly 60 on the mile. Got it on some technicality that I didn't know about so I was pretty shocked on that. Second semester tho it was like over 100 and he'd be out his mind asking ANYONE to run out there. So instead of letting everyone else run while I leisurely waik and call it a day, we instead did the pacer teat

Dude explained it all to us. Basically was like every one pacer thingy is one percent. So, you'd have to run 100 of em to get a perfect score. There were ofc, the few dudes acting like this was some alpha male contest and kept going past that to show out, plus get extra credit, only to be told that was never part of the plan and they did that for no reason 😵‍💫

Ah but rewind mb mb. Uh dude explained and I was like... oh shit. Yeah I'm failing tf out this. The highest I've EVER gotten was a 26 in like.. elementary school. Shit was like 3rd-4th grade and I had since gotten A. Lot older and less active and B. Fatter. I've been overweight but not morbidly so my entire life. I think I'm now barely plus size. Kinda varying on where I'm getting the shit I'm either on the very end of normal sizing or the very very beginning of plus sizing, 0x. Uh which is oddly hard to find

Ah tangent tangent anyway yeah. I'm sitting there like fuck yeah I'm failing th out this final. At my peak I would be getting a 25% and I knew damn sure I wasn't at my peak. So I start calculating it all out.... I'd have to get like 50-60ish laps to pass the class. I'm already coming to terms with it, thinking about taking a summer class for it and keeping it moving, when dude stopped me at the end of class and STRESSED that I ran. Which lowkey pisaed me off ngl... uh but I knew why he did so I tried to not be spiteful the day of

I was tryna be a good little student. Got a matcha latte (soy. Tastes better + I'm lactose intolerant 😮‍💨) before and everything, thinking the little bit of caffeine would help

Only to damn near puke when I was running....

I could literally feel the shit sloshing around as I was going and I was like okay. I might gon head and do it so I can get out this shit early. But then I was sitting there like. Damn. Sweaty. Puke covered. And my mom works as I'm at school so I'd have to either hope that she come get me or the more likely option is they gon send me to the nurse, have me change back to my normal shit, then go back to it. Which was like ???? Nah what fuck that

I got a fucking 7 on my final bruh

😭😭😭

Dude came up to me like bro wth. You can do more. And the combo of me already being annoyed of him steady going out his way to point me out and me genuinely feeling like shit, I was just kinda bluntly like, I feel sick and I'm not chancing having to call my out of work for me to shower. He argued a bit I kinda just blinked and repeated myself lmao

Ig he felt bad or he was done with my bs but he last second made it a thing that you could continue walking laps around for partial credit. Which me and a few other people did. Which took my shit to like. I think a 50. Not amazing but no summer school so I was content. I had a high d+ but our school for whatever reason did not do the -/+ system at all for final grades. So whether you got a 90 or 100, you got a 4.0 A. Which was cool on one hand as you had a tooooon of wiggle room with grades but it was horribleeee when it came to cases like mine

Deadass was like... .2% from a 2.0. Which was like. Bruh. If I woulda got a 1.7, prolly still woulda asked for the extra .2 but at the end of the day it wouldn'tve been that big of a deal if they said no. BUT A WHOLE GRADE POINT AVERAGE LOWER? No.

So I asked. I didn't make it a big deal at first as I've never had to ask that sort of thing and I thought my argument was pretty sensible as is. And to my shock he ain't even say nothing back. Dude just did the shit and kept it moving. I'm sure he was tired of my bum ass steady working his nerves but I was not complaining. Wrote him a whole thank you email and kept it moving B)

Mb bruh massive tangent I never get to talk about that stuff anymore and it was like I was reliving it all in my head for a second 😭

[theacewithoutgrace]

was feeling kinda low yesterday :"))

wrote like a 7 page drama script for my group but it was rushed because my dumbass teacher only gave us a few days and it was impossible to discuss

none of us had any good ideas so I wrote random bs BUT I would feel bad if it was all just me, so I used a plot one of my classmates gave -

they all called it cringy and something they would make fun of if another group actually played that and TO BE FAIR I was kinda downgrading it myself too so I wouldn't make them feel awkward but like I actually genuinely liked it a little okay I thought it was at least a little comedic 😭

I'm sorry I guess YOU GUYS should've written it in the first place boohoo jdkshjhdj we were actually supposed to submit it yesterday but the teacher was in a hurry and forget to take the scripts soo...... I'll just write another one

also this was my SECOND attempt for the first one I was actually REALLY proud of the teacher took one look at it and went "This is what a 5th grader would write do better" WELL IM SORRY I can't write ACTUALLY GOOD STUFF for a fucking school drama lmao?? the painful truth is that we are gonna have to ACTUALLY ACT and NOBODY wants to take it seriously

ALSO because the bitch literally gave is no instructions, other than, to make it, funny??? what the fuck is the point of this assignment at least tell us the basics of making a script of something since this is going to be GRADED based on story and acting...

Honestly, if it wasn't mixed and the groups were boys and girls, I could probably make a better play. I'm soRRy if this is bad in a way but it's just the truth that none of the boys in my class are actually serious about anything- I'm having to make the scripts worse on PURPOSE because THEY won't play in it unless it fits to their horrible sense of humour. My evidence: the group that had the quiet girls and stupid boys together are doing a play about 9/11 and killing the fucking president. I cannot with this shit -

jdjhjj but anyway, I have test today on two of the hardest subjects, and I really did study hard, so I hope I do good -

[tamiddyinyourcity]

1:32pm.

I'm ovulating and hornier than a marching band, depressed, and of course just in general tired of seeing my bedroom, news about how people are stupidly going out still during the coronavirus, and more.

Let's see....

Rowan is still a dumbass, and its like "i wanted to apologize to at least clear the air before i move on, even if not 100% successful, yknow?", and "why apologize??????? he played the same card every other nigga does, including people I've told him about who fucked me up that way. Boohoo, i brought up the similarities to how what he did is like what other girls do to him, cool, sue me hoe".

Feeling bad about leaving, but I shouldn't be so hard on myself. He was just gonna continue not talking it out, or gettin salty, and he still is now. Not a single apology, or "oh i see what you meant, and sorry for the phrasing before"...... And I was under a lot of stress that I didn't need. I should just be glad. I noticed all the red flags and finally heeded them to avoid potential chaos.

One doesn't know if I make the right decisions for my actions, but I did what felt right for me and him. So maybe it's not that bad at all. I'll still miss him, though, obviously. But probably not too much, since now I'll hesitate to trust the next man I meet that bothers to shower me with attention, affection, intimacy, a good trust and bond, and more. He gets to be upset over being told his beard is patchy and he makes himself unloveable to others with his actions and naivety, and I get to lack faith in a horny man, or men in general, even more. So its a double win, and I hope he suffers.

This has the same energy as the night Patrick tried to gaslight me, yet again, (he always chooses that over just being honest and making a change, fucks sake, so unhealthy,) and claiming that wishing he kissed me the night I was leaving him *wasnt* a romantic feeling.... Oh what nigga, you were just gonna kiss me as a "no homo tho" sort of move? You want to kiss all your friends? Specifically when they leave you for giving mixed signals and not being able to commit romantically?... (The joke writes itself, here. He's such an asshole, fuck that noise.)

Overall, just reflecting on any time a dude got attached to me, then either sabotaged it and refused any responsibility, or claimed nothing romantic went down whatsoever. (For example, Matty being the one to take me out on dates, gush to every single person he could find about me, introducing me to his friends, nonstop sex and making out, high promises of always being there for me, and even straight up confessing wanting a serious relationship with me..... But all it took was three hours on the phone with *another bitch* and oh boy oh boy did he sure instantly say nothing we ever had was real!)

God, Universe, please stop sending emotionally unstable and mentally unwell white boys into my life who lack basic common sense and accountability. Sure, they're hot, but they always do The Most, get my hopes up for more by pushing the normal boundaries of what we had before we started, or being strictly sexual.... Then oh look, kicked in the side with the fact that they did it aaaaaaaall to obtain a chase. (So I guess similar to how some women hold off from sex so a guy likes her for her, and a particularly shitty guy chases her, then loses interest once he gets bored of sex.... The reverse can happen. Someone sees a hot girl that likes sex and also wants no strings attached, starts to actually like her, then chases after her emotions, sometimes being really gross or outright desperate..... theeeen once she reciprocates the attention, and whatever fantasy disappears, then they dip out, with the "I'm not looking for something serious!", without even bothering to discuss if I wanted that at all...)

One would think that the amount of weirdly sexual deviant men and trust issues I've gained would make me stop bothering with them at all. But eh, shit happens, a girl gets lonely, and a guy can be a nice distraction.

Rowan should've stayed a side guy to like on the side but never actually want something from.... Ironic that he got so upset, knowing that women often see him as a sex object and never want to be with him romantically, when he also did not want that with me, despite hitting all the figures with it.... over fear.

Eugh.

Note to self: softhearted dudes are sweet, but softspined ones are goddamned disgusting. Just wait till your vibrator comes today, then feel free to think of something else at all.....

Alright, that feels nice to type.

2:05pm.

I gotta eat something.

My options are:

Week old eggs and grilled bell peppers (delicious)

My burrito, that is the size of a small toddler and can feed me for three days straight if i keep taking bites nonstop

Lovely.

And I should probably shower. I probably wake up so depressed, since when I picture having to shower, then I'd be naked and traversing through my messy bedroom, and putting on fresh PJs and lotion, pajamas, and scented oils, just to......

Have laundry, or go back to folding.

But it's not like staying sweaty and musty is going to leave me refreshed, energized, and not ashamed to leave my bedroom, you know?

Sigh.

I'll eat something and try my best to wash up. Things have been pretty hard for me, I should cut myself some more slack, tbh.

2:10pm. Wish me luck. Peace out yalls, god bless and amen.