#so i havent eaten for a week bc i feel disgusting doing so

[polnywumik]

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[gumdecay]

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[bwuniee]

petition for people to stop writing shane as just a huge slob in his daily life just bc his room is Messy............. bitch thats called a depression room and i have one too but u dont see me covered in dirt and scarfing down pizza like i havent eaten in a week and a half .-. he’s a sweetie with mental health issues... theres a reason his goddaughter is his responsibility and not her parents... like yall gotta remember he lost some people incredible important to him and was forced to move and get a disgusting job to provide for a child he loves but never asked for.... he fell into a depression.. and dont get me started on marnie not being even a little bit understanding of him and making him feel like shit for his mental health issues

edit: i was misinformed about marnie and shane’s relationship, so ignore that part. but everything else i 100% still stand by. do shane justice, people!

[itscrazylate]

Weather Update: I feel marginally better today

Weather Update: My ankle hurts even more and it feels like I stabbed myself whenever I walk

Weather Update: I have entered a Depression™ Episode and I now no longer have a will to do anything

Weather Update: …. I’m tired

[shriekingseas]

TW/// ED vent

 i am honestly so scared weigh myself to see if ive gained, but i know i need to. i havent eaten anything today and i still feel fucking disgusting and like ive binged?? i dont wanna weigh before i eat bc i know that even if ive lost then the number wont be low enough for me to feel good about eating, and if ive gained than i will certainly not be ok. but i need to see what the damage is ahhhh plus im supposed to be reaching my next goal weight/bmi at the end of january in a week and it is never gonna fucking happen. im actually failing my classes and so all the college apps i worked my ass off on are gonna be for nothing cause im gonna fucking fail. literally the only thing i should be able to fix rn is how far out my bones stick out and i cant even fucking do that right. ajajajjajadjguqegwldk im so over this shit. fuck fuck fuckity fuck

[c-noname]

i weighed myself today 52,7 kg i havent eaten today we have like 12pm i feel so disgusting its terrible, i couldnt do much sport bc i had corona BUT im starting today again i already had a little walk and i can just hope that i lose at least 2 kg this week if anyone has some tips please comment

[howling--fantods]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELLIS!!!!!

today is my best friend/platonic soul mate @beachsequence‘s birthday!!! i’m not great at doing these posts, for some reason i feel like i am less able to articulate the way i feel in important posts than i am in casual posts. but anyways, here it goes.

when ellis and i started talking around xmas 2014 within a month i felt like i’d known them forever. i have always been cautious of the term “best friend” bc i never have had one for a long, sustained period of time, but now around 3.5 years later, ellis has been the only true best friend i’ve ever had. i now have a hard time remembering what it was like without them, it was so much more lonely for sure. i remember often wishing that i had someone in my life, just one person to be able to share what i love with, especially music. i remember wanting just one person to take a chance and love me enough to try and understand and see what i love in the things that are important to me, with an open mind. we initially bonded over zooropa, for YEARS all i wanted was to find someone else who loved that album as much as i did (and still do). they are obsessed with the details and found things in that album that even i hadn’t found. that is one of my favorite things about them, they give their love so openly and dive in without fear. zooropa was the first album we shared and since then most of the music i have found and loved i’ve been able to share with them and that means so much more to me than i can say. but also they have opened me up to so many other things too, and i guess this is what love does, bc when i listen to the albums/artists/songs they are into, i can’t help but listen to them knowing that ellis loves them, and knowing that makes me warm to them immediately, if that makes sense.

this is the place where i could really go on forever about how much i love ellis, and it is overwhelming having to edit myself hahahha. whenever we talk we just dissolve into the grossest love-fest and it is the best but disgusting. but honestly, ellis is the most amazing person i know. they have struggled a lot over the time i have known them, and i know how hard it has been, but watching from the sidelines i can’t feel anything but love and immense pride for the person they are becoming/have become. i think they have this effect on a lot of people, pretty much everyone wants to adopt them bc they are so wonderful, and real, and authentic and kind and funny and awesome. i think we all see how rare what they have is, and just want to protect them from anything that could possibly take that away. but what is so incredible about them is how strong and resilient they are, i have total faith that they will make it through whatever life throws at them (the bruce springsteen lyric: “i strolled all alone through a fallout zone and came out with my soul untouched” comes to mind <3) i just feel so fucking blessed to know them and have them in my life.

in closing here are some things that i love about them:

they always, always, ALWAYS make me feel infinitely better if i am feeling down without even knowing a lot of the times (for example a message like last week about how they were watching a porn and the guy answered the phone AND IT DIDNT EVEN RING. me depressed, lonely, sees that message and it just reminds me that i am not alone at all :’))

we are like the two biggest shaun ryder fans and literally yelled SHAUN RYDER IS THE KEATS OF OUR TIME!!!! all day long when we were in ann arbor with sam and michael (i sent them black grape the first time i listened to it and they replied so quickly THIS IS AMAZING!!! honestly this is everything to me, they are the person i can share shit like black grape with)

i found a half-eaten bag of almonds in the bottom of my bag last week that i had bought at our u2 concert in detroit in august and sent them a pic and they were like “WHY IS THIS BAG OF ALMONDS ABOUT TO MAKE ME CRY!”

we sobbed through “i still havent found what i’m looking for” at that u2 concert together and then during “one” were resting our heads on each others’ shoulders and BONO SAW US AND RESTED HIS HEAD ON ADAM’S SHOULDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

they are the first person i want to tell pretty much anything that happens in my life

they wake me up with screenshots of graham coxon tweets

they come up with some seriously epic puns and shitposts (”here cum that boi” springs to mind)

SELFIE KING, STYLE ICON (me drunk, scrolling through IG while out with friends: LOOOK AT ELLIS LOOOOOOK AT THEM!!!!!!!!!!! THEY ARE SO FUCKING AMAZING LOOK AT THESE SELFIES LOOK AT THEM!!!!!!!!!)

a;ksdfjkalsdjf;a there are so many more things i cant even begin to go into THEY ARE THE FUCKING BEST

HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY TO MY FAVORITE PERSON IN THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHH I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!

[raeagma]

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[killer-killjoy]

i’ve been trying to be better

i’ve been eating healthier this week and i’ve started going back to the gym. i did okay, minus a few setbacks. but like i don’t know i’ve just been feeling a lot better? at least mentally i’m like. feeling okay. my main issue is that i usually eat so much when i’m bored/not hungry so i’ve been trying to watch myself and be like “ok no wait you just ate you aren’t hungry you just want to do something lmao” so i stop myself. and i’ve been feeling pretty good knowing i’ve been able to keep that somewhat under control. at least, better than what i’d normally be doing.

some days i just feel kinda weird. i think it might have to do with what i eat, but i’m not too positive bc i’ve felt like this a few times now. but like today i didn’t get a chance to eat breakfast so i just grabbed a chocolate milk to drink during class, and then i ate some mac & cheese and for dinner had chicken nuggets (lol so today i didn’t do good but like its all i had in my dorm and it was rainy and we didn’t want to leave again) but like. i just feel really weird. like kinda weak, like i’m very aware of my heart beating, i feel kinda shaky although my hands really aren’t (like it kinda feels like how u feel if you havent eaten all day and ur like ‘o fuk im weak’) but like i ate today. so  i don’t know. and like i’ve felt like this a few times before, might’ve written a post about it idk, but like the only way i can describe it is kind of like being aware of my blood like flowing thru my body.. idk. its odd and i just feel lethargic. if it is bc of my diet i’m confused bc i never really felt like this before like jan (i say this bc i started feeling kinda weird when i tried out birth control and i kind of freaked myself out and felt kind of weird, but then i learned i was a bad candidate so i stopped taking it) but like ever since then i would randomly feel this way and its like. if its my diet it odesnt make sense bc i’ve always eaten poorly so i dont see why it’d do this to me now. but idk. but yeah that’s how i’m feeling today so i just decided to take it easy. 

but i just feel like i’m starting to be in a better place. i never really considered i’d have such an issue with food in my life tbh. i mean i’d always be like “lol i love food” but like. it’s really affecting my life and mental state, so to be feeling better about it is good. i hope i can keep this mindset. i’ve been here once before but i’d always end up “ruining” (or so i’d tell myself) and like eat really shitty at the end of the day and bc i “ruined it” i’d just kind of throw the towel in and feel miserable and disgusting. but like, last night i ate so good all day but then had some nachos and i felt kind of guilty about it but i told myself it was okay and that i’m allowed to have bad foods some time and that it didn’t mean i sabotaged myself or ruined anything; and i felt okay. it was okay. it’s just a really hard mindset to get into but i’m hoping i can get there and feel confident being there so i won’t feel as shitty about myself.